Tom Segura
Appearances
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, everyone. We just announced my Fall 2025 Come Together tour dates. We added a whole bunch of cities, including Allentown, PA, West Lafayette, Indiana, and Colorado Springs, and many more. I will see you out there. Thank you so much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash bears. I didn't like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's up, everybody? It's Tom Segura. We're almost into the new year, and I'll be bringing my come-together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th, I'll be in Philadelphia. I haven't been there in a while. January 24th, San Francisco. The 25th of January, I'm in Reno. January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st, Savannah. February 1st, I'll be in North Charleston.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to ask you this, because I'm always fascinated by boys growing up with, regardless of if someone's dad is an athlete, usually boys either go, I want to be just like my dad, or I don't want to be anything like my dad. And when you get to athletes, obviously there's children of athletes who go, I want to do that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was phenomenal. And that got us even more gassed up. We're like, oh shit, this is going to be fucking nuts. And then we got in there and watched a light sparring match.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like let's say in like the NFL and you know there's some that do and then there's some that you're like you just can't do you're not an NFL player right or NBA in wrestling like as a kid were you I want to be a wrestler like as a young kid or were you kind of like eh you know it's just what my dad does whatever
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, nothing. And was it like, was he like, great? Or was it like, you got a long way to go, kid. Like, you're going to have to...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
um that was like what the fuck is this um it was crazy i know there was like all these conspiracy theories which is a natural thing that happens but one thing that i mean doesn't matter whether you're there you watch it is like it was clear that neither guy pressed that and like you know when you watch boxing you see people set things up with jabs and then a jab usually at some moment yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't start with, like, what it is, cuz. Yeah, I don't think that would go well.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's so you to be able to go to the singer and be like, I can sing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
creates an opening where you attack. It's like the basic fundamentals of boxing. And you would watch that happen. You're like, ooh, like right here. And then by the fifth round, you're like, I think they're just going to hang out. Light sparring.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, how do you think you did, man?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what's funny? We have something from the show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I actually feel like, I mean, look, I've said reckless things in my life, but I do feel like I already know that I would have a good time. I think I experienced the same thing when I went to NASCAR. I was like, I want to go to fucking NASCAR. And I went to NASCAR. I was like, this is amazing. Yeah, I had a great time at it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I've watched maybe not a lot of matches, but like I said, I've watched multiple docs. I also get the fact that I used to think they're so different, but what I'm saying is when it comes to wrestling and sports entertainment, it's really not...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
at its core that different from traditional sports in other words you know going to a NFL game it's like you got into this as a kid probably and you're watching the rules that are established and people like participating in it and you cheer or you boo and you just get you get emotionally involved and then in wrestling for me it's just like yeah it's athletes they're performing and usually there's a foundation from usually from being a kid yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're emotionally invested. It's kind of a similar thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, what's it normally used for? Clippers. Oh, it's the Clippers place.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, until which age were you? Sadly, 27.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Before you kind of like... Wait, so he doesn't come down the chimney and leave stuff?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But also I'll say this, your level of belief in this, I don't know if anyone tells you this, but it's adorable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've always wanted to ask this, though, because you mentioned Tyson and his participation, and you have people come in that are not background wrestlers, like a Mark Henry or a Brock Lesnar or somebody, right? And so when they come in and they get what the world is and that there's a lot of... It's obviously... Super athletic. Yeah. There's a lot of performance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And obviously, like, we all know that people get seriously, seriously hurt. And there's tons of people that have had serious injuries and tons of surgeries and stuff. But do you have, you know, moments with these guys where you're like, hey, like, don't fucking flip a switch. And like, do you have to like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mark is a fucking animal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember when Mark was a junior Olympic lifter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
he wasn't even on a proper meal plan and so this like high level coach yeah i was like what the are you eating like and brought him in and was like no no you got to be like you have you as a heavyweight yeah need to be eating this much protein and all and like Was just getting him to do that properly because he didn't have any idea.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't wait to hit all these cities. Get your tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour, and I will see you there. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. I'm Tom, he's Bert, and joining us today, we don't often get to say this, but we're actually being joined by a world champion. So please put your hands together for the one and only Cody Rhodes, everybody. Cody Rhodes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
With someone like him, though, I mean, obviously, you know it intellectually, but you can also physically sense the level of strength someone like that has when you're in a match with them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you for this bizarre lesson, but yeah, thank you. Now, very few people
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's kind of rad. I mean, here's the thing. I think for your job, it's rad. And if I didn't know who you were, I'd be like, this guy did 20 years. He was a dangerous individual. Let me ask.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think at a glance, no. But once like as a, if you were running for something like governor, the thing about it is your story gets out. So you become, actually you'd become the person who opens doors for throat tattoo people. They would be like, ever since he became governor, I got hired by a tech company and people stopped shutting the doors in our faces. Yeah, you'd be that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you see American Nightmare, by the way? Yeah. The doc?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whether or not people always argue about, you know, is there such thing as normal? And you're like, yes, of course there is. And there's a spectrum of normal behavior if you're somebody whose girlfriend was just kidnapped.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the way he is in that interrogation room, you're like, this is fucking completely abnormal. Sure. The way he's talking to you. Oh, yeah. So it leads you to go like, yeah, this is fucked up. He's the problem. And then episode two, when they feature the girl... Her behavior and her interview, you're like, what did they do? Yeah, they created this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then to learn where it goes, yeah, it is the biggest mind fuck. Yeah, it's a fantastic doc. If you haven't seen it, then we just ruined for you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, his sister.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The best is like, I mean, this guy, I mean, a full-fledged textbook psychopath. And she's missing on Christmas Day. And they play on the doc, they play the interrogation footage or the questioning footage of that day where he's at the police station. And they're like, so your pregnant wife's missing? He's like, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I went fishing and I definitely hope you guys get her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fucking fan of yours well it was a it was a peculiar evolution where i had straight up panic about approaching him because i was like you know i was listening to like old guys going like hey mike you remember 1987 he was like yeah like just like i was like oh don't be like so i just worked up it was like it took like i actually thought of it as courage because i totally i was like don't bother him but then i was like you never this will never happen yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hope you find her. And you're like, this is right away.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, look, guys, most peculiar behavior ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Imagine your pitch. My dad was black, and now I'm going to run Chocolate City. It's terrible. It'd be fucking amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I gave him, I reached into my bag, and at the time, I had one special out, and I had a DVD, and I gave it to him. And I was like, I'm a comedian. And then he was like, cool, where are you going right now? I was like, we're both going to Pittsburgh. We're on a plane. So that's what we're doing. And he was like, oh, where's your show? And I was like, it's at the Improv.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I remember they said... Are you in horrific pain here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of course. And how, how much prior to the match did you, uh, you have the injury?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you should do, I mean, I've seen a number of pecked hairs. You should do a gradual warm-up that day. Oh, my gosh. Get yourself nice and warm for it. Don't just go over there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Show the lead up to mine. Show the stuff that leads up to it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was like, where's that? And I was like, I don't know, man. It's wherever the Pittsburgh Improv is. I don't know. the geography of Pittsburgh. And then he was like, oh, cool. And then he gave me a fist bump and I was thrilled at the interaction. I was like, I had a moment with Mike Tyson. And then I sat down and I'm just like, I'm literally like my heart's racing, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's what I remember vividly that kind of freaks me out when I remember it. You're not ready for this, Cody. I don't think I am, actually. Right? And Roy pulls me aside. And he goes, you're going to have to dig deep on this one. He goes, you're going to have to reach for that inner Larry Johnson. And I felt an adrenaline rush. I should have almost like calmed down before I tried.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've heard lifters talk about it too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, I'm just going to jump and see what happens.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So walk me through what. Okay, so here, that's Roy. He's like, I had never seen some shit like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, people were saying it to me. two days before, they're like, what are you doing, Burt? I go, basketball. And one of my friends was like, that's how guys tear their ACLs, man. And I was like, shut the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
247 hitting a nine-foot dunk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because I felt like it took a lot just to say something. I was also kind of scared because I didn't know if he was going to be like, bitch, leave me the fuck alone, right? So I was like, and then I just feel him, this hand grab my shoulder and he's standing above me. He goes, yeah, I know who you are. And I was like, what? Wow. And he, he holds the DVD. He's like this picture.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's exactly, I know for a fact that's what I was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So here's the, what I said there is true. So the guy, that coach, he really, like, first of all, it's over at that point. That's the part that I always, we had a contest and he didn't do it and I did it and I should have just like walked away. And that guy goes, you got a little more than you. So he cranks it up to 9'3".
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right? And I was like, okay, three inches. And I, in my head, I go, you know, that nine was tough.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, it was one hand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Eight and eight and a half. But like with nine. So I go, okay. So then he's like three inches more. And in my head, I kind of am like, I don't think I have this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But he's like, bro, you got this. Like dig, dig deep. So I just, you know, you feel that like kind of adrenaline rush and you're like, okay. And I line up and what happens is when I, the reason this all goes is when I press off the left leg, my patellar tendon snaps. So that's why there's no, everyone's like, how do you fall like that? I'm like, cause there's nothing pushing off anymore. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then your body instinctively braces and all that dead weight landed on the arm and snapped it. And then the other thing that people can't see is that there's another scar here and actually here that's more subtle. And that's because six months later... My hand wasn't opening all the way, it was opening like that. So they're like, you have to do this now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is they take a nerve out of here and they put it in here. So that allows you to pronate still. Oh, this is the one. This is our bullshit. Like our lead up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you're like, oh, that's not bad. It's amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that's when it's over. It's over then.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're just done.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just walk away. And then I was like, no, I'll do it. Sweet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How's your training now? How do you train differently?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, yeah, that's the, I just gave that to you. And so I was like, and then he leans down to my ear. This is almost like your oil thing. He leans down to my ear and I'm like, what the fuck is he going to do? And he leans down, he goes, I've been watching a lot of Netflix. That's it. And then he stands up and I was like, me too. What a great. And he goes, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So while your chest is, do you do like the standing press machine?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Flat bench also, for a lot of people, starts being a shoulder thing too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So your shoulders start to get like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If I was alone there, I'd have been like, okay, that's done.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's just in a moment?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You remember the second season I had that brace on? That was such. Toes debilitating. I broke my left big toe. Nail fall off? Dude, I did it in the dumbest fucking... I did it at... Kicking your wife? No, I wish. It was in jujitsu where the drill was just take this left leg over and you kick the mat with the top of your foot. And I was just like going boom, boom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then, you know, your brain just kind of drifts sometimes. Yeah. So as I'm doing it, I just have my foot arched up. And so I kick the mat straight down. Oh, God. And so my toe just goes boop. Yeah. And I'm just like, ah! And the guy's like, are you okay? And I'm like, I don't fucking think so. And then, yeah, there was blood from the nail. But that break. Yeah. It's so painful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So he goes, uh, give me your number. And I'm like, Okay. Yeah. So I give him my number and I'm like, this is like, we land and I just fucking like run off the plane because I don't want anything to go wrong. Yeah. And then I'm like, well, that was that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And when I go to get an x-ray and they're like, it's broken. You're like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. You just wait. And then it'll heal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, they told me to go when it stops hurting, then it's healed. And I go, cool. That's really cool. One day it won't hurt and then you'll be better.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, I fucking appreciate the attire, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love your aesthetic. I kind of was hopeful. Yeah, you have that appointment to pick up something in a couple weeks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But still be involved in the world?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because you obviously have other aspirations, it's clear.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's not, cause so many, I've met so many celebrities who were like, give me, I'll give you a call or you can, we can do, we should do a thing together. And you're like, sure. And so next day, phone rings. It's Mike Tyson. Wow. He goes, we're coming to your show tonight. And I go, okay. So I call the club and I'm like, Mike Tyson's coming to the show. And they're like, sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I know. People always tell me that I refer to the 90s. I'm like, it was like 10 years ago. I'm like, that's 25 years ago.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is rad, man. Oh, my God, bro. Yeah, it's a beefy one. Jesus Christ. It's a beefy one. How about, why don't we go into the lobby and you do a little move on Burt? Like, just give him a little show. What kind of... Give him a little show? Put him through a little bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Were you guys, by the way, he just hit me right now. Were you guys the first, like, sport to, like, do the belt? Is the belt from you guys?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, sorry. It's from 3000 BC. Yeah, never mind.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like they don't believe me. And they're like, I'm like, okay. So then I get to the club. I'm in the green room. There's like 100 people there. It's a Thursday night. And they're like, manager comes in. He's like, dude, Mike Tyson's here. I was like, I know, dude. I told you. And then he fucking, I can hear him during the show hitting the table.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You didn't make it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, look, we talked about it. Jerzy, you're an amazing guest. Thank you for coming on. You really are. And everybody, just don't forget, January 6th, Raw is on Netflix. It's going to be an event.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thanks a lot, man. Thank you for coming here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you, brother.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
See you guys next week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
while he laughs oh you had him man I had him for a second and then the show ends and he fucking he grabs me he's like let's go to the green room so he he takes me to my green room to your own green room and then he just starts smoking cigarettes and by his like fifth cigarette he goes he goes you got a window I go it's a little late for that your fifth fucking cigarette he goes you got one and I go no and he goes he goes that's when you'll know you've made it when your green room's got a window and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just hung out for an hour. Wow. Yeah, and I just asked him. And I remember telling him, I was like, yeah, you know, it's crazy watching you guys train, like the training videos of those guys. And I just stupidly, I go, you know, like Roy Jones Jr. And he goes... Yeah. I was like, oh yeah, why did I say him? I was like, I should say you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then a huge announcement because the platform of Netflix just keeps expanding. But for people who don't know, Raw is going to Netflix on January 6th. And so far... Sports on the amount of things that they've done is pretty limited, but it's been a huge hit. It's fucking huge, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it was incredible. And he told stories and I would throw out names of boxers and he would be like, that guy's a bitch. And I was like, yeah. Oh my gosh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're not the first person to make that observation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, it's tremendous potential. I mean, it's global. It's the potential because when we were sitting there for that fight and two hours before, there was a Netflix executive next to me. So he's like, he goes, there's 30 million people right now on the service. And then the next fight started, and he's like, it's 45 million people now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then right before the fight, he goes, we have 100 million different subscribers. That's just subscribers, like accounts on right now. And then people were like, oh, you know, the signal is all scrambled. Like, people were buffering issues. And it's like, well, yeah, you have 100 million subscribers watching.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was at the Paul Tyson fight, and if your guys could be anything like that, it'll be really electric.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was fascinating watching the, I was watching the Vince McMahon doc and the watching the history, like the evolution. And, you know, there was, I mean, there's a lot of aspects to it, but just the fact how I didn't, you know, cause I had no idea that it was, uh, everybody had territories and different markets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, and you didn't cross territories. And one of the things that they credit Vince with is being kind of brazen enough at one point to be like, fuck him. We're going to go do it in this guy's territory. And then everyone's like, what are you, like mob shit, basically.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was a dog shit fucking fight. It was one of the worst things I've ever seen. We were fourth row, like, this is going to be fucking amazing. And that undercard was Serrano Taylor, the women.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I get it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Officer Cumdump likes it wild, dirty, and filthy. That's right, Officer Cumdump. We'll take it like a man. I will bend down, and you can bang me as you can.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love that I started the Not a Damn Chance podcast with just the nastiest story I have.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
102.7.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
15?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you don't know by now, this is me and Tommy's vodka. It's called Porosos for the bears. And we want you to make friends. There's nothing better than having a best friend that you can share secrets with, share a cocktail with, and you're going to love this vodka. It's got a smooth taste, a beautiful finish. And we taste tested. a hundred different vodkas and landed on this one mutually.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we were not wrong. We have won two huge awards, the USA spirits, 2024 gold medal in the tasting Alliance, 2024 double gold medal. It is a fair price is an accessible price. We wanted to make that for our fans. We want you to enjoy it. Go get yourself a bottle and, uh, Make it with soda.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We have a bunch of drinks over on the Poroso's Instagram page that you can try, but pick up a bottle at one of our finer retailer partners, ABC Fine Wines and Spirit, Total Wine, and more specs, or go demand it at your favorite liquor retailer. Do that at a bar. Go up to your favorite bar and go, do you guys serve Poroso's? When they say no, they go, damn, all right, never mind.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I guess I'll have a beer. Order a bottle and some of our killer merch online at drinkporosos.com. Make friends.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love it. Can I tell you, this, I listen to...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey guys, quick reminder about the Two Bears 5K with me, Tommy, and Jelly Roll in Tampa. May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. Do not miss out on the early bird pricing because that will go away at the end of the month. Prices rise on March 1st. Get off the couch. Get on Strava. Jelly's on there. They'll get you to a 5K. You can do it with us. Meet us in Tampa. Go to TwoBears5K.com to register.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So wait, you were on the Osempis then?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. A soup.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nice joint.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How was the bill? Heavy. Heavy bill. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Steakhouse is the, you can't go wrong at a steakhouse.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Celebratory. When you come here, have you been to Jake Harver's? No. No, we went to Three Forks. How'd you like that? Loved it. Did you get the King's Butter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to go back. You got to get the King's Butter, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you told me, I mean, you got here, you guys were like, we are spenders.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Were they like, excuse me?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How many people were on the bus with you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How'd you guys handle the Super Bowl?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe Super Bowl tickets are crazy. Crazy. Crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If anybody could have done it, it's him at the moment. But there's a point where, like... It was probably in the third or... The dagger. Yeah. The dagger dismissed. Oh, shit, this is really... This is happening. Also, it was such a beatdown. Crazy. I've never, I've never ever... That's a fucking ass kicking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, like, the fucking Vegas people must have made out, because there's no way people were betting with these types of spreads.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, it's just so crazy to see not just how good you guys looked, but, like, how bad they looked. It was wild. They looked so bad. You know what it looked like? It looked like sometimes when, like, an old, mean coach makes his JV team play the varsity.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, these guys are way bigger and stronger. And this is not cool. Someone's going to get really hurt. That's what it looked like. It looked like two different leagues of teams. Really, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There should be a movie about this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some of these old guys, like right before I got to my high school in Florida, when I transferred there from Milwaukee, the old, like you could just tell the guys mean, A.D. was also the football coach. And he transferred out. So I never, I got to see him when I moved there. And then by the time spring came around, he was gone. Mm-hmm. And they were like, oh, yeah, he's a piece of shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they go, he would like... One time I remember I tried to... I asked one of the kids in my class, I was like, why don't you play football? He was like, I'm not doing that anymore. And I go, why? He goes, well, that guy, he goes, just for his own amusement one time, made me...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like run full speed at a, he was a freshman at a senior and just to like, and they, and the senior was like the big fucking juice fucking guy. He was just like, yeah, he was like just 40, 40 yards sprint at him. And the fucking senior knocked him out. Like, sent him into the unconscious. And he was like, yeah, that was the last time. I go, yeah, that's not... That's a life lesson.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Didn't like us at all. Because were you guys, like, rowdy? No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What are you talking about? Come on. The next guy's not going to make you do that. He was like, I'm done with that shit. I'm not doing that again. He just did it to, like, bully him. That's why these kids are soft now, Tommy. That's right. That is why. Do you see the fucking Rick Pitino thing? That's crazy. No, what happened? Dude, you got to pull this up. This... This is so great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just saw this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go to Bleacher Report on Instagram. Rick Pitino is still at it. He's been coaching, I feel like, 45 years or something. Old schooler. Old schooler. So I think he coaches St. John's now. They are, scroll down, right there. Where have you guys been? And when you click on that, you'll have to swipe and turn the sound on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Just, like, right away.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God damn, that's scripted. Dude, so they're down 13 at halftime. Come back and win this game. Good for them, dude. This is halftime. Yeah, and if you scroll down, it's just, everybody's just ready to be like, I want to play. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ah, it was the best. Yeah. It was the best. I love coaches that were, because there's this line, you want them to be tough, but care about you. Of course. And some coaches don't know that you have to have both. But if they care about you, then they can say anything they want to you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah yeah yeah it's true always stuck with me sounds pretty emotionally abusive if you ask me i'm doing it for your own good jesus christ we like that stuff back then it was crazy yeah when they yell at you when you know the guy gives a shit about you and he says that it fire it fires you you're like yeah i'm letting him down letting myself down like radicalizes you're like let's fucking go let's go dude yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
New queen of garbage. She couldn't come in today, but she was, I go, because I told her how much fun she was going to have. You're going to have so much fun doing this. And then I go, how'd it go? She goes, I'm the new queen. I go, what? She goes, I'm the new queen of garbage. And I was like, oh, I knew you were going to at least come close to the title.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know a lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There were some wild, like... You know, we'd go, like, in the valley. I don't know how well you know L.A., but we'd be, like, in the valley. And, you know, she'd show me this neighborhood. And, like, I grew up in these apartments. And I was like, oh, these suck. And then, you know, like. Yeah, she said it was all, like, single moms.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, yeah, I mean, first of all, his assignment is driving the 1981 fucking Prevost, so this is not their best guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
With her on the cover like this. My Indian stepdad. And then he was out of his fucking mind, you know. Yeah. He was a criminal. He was a real criminal. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He loved his pistachio ice cream.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we pulled into a parking lot. And he's like, hold on a second. and then fucking just stabbed the guy's tire. And then the crazier part to me is, like, that in and of itself, you're like, that's super psychotic, is that he gets in the car, and then her mom was like... Yeah, like laughing at the highlight. Yeah, and they were, like, in it together. Like, this fucking guy owes me money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Her dad, too. First of all, the story of her parents getting out. That's crazy. Going to an internment camp. That's nuts, man. Where now, because they were in an internment camp in Italy... And he's like, resents Italians so much. And I'm like, well, you were refugees.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, he's like, Italians are the cockroaches of Europe. That's like his slogan. He hates them. And you're like, yeah, they took you in, though. But he's like, fuck them. But yeah, then to Canada. And then did she tell you the story about why they moved to the States? Yeah. It seems like it's out of a comedy. Because he's working in Windsor. Well, living in Windsor. Forklifts. Well, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So Canada... He's a mechanic, right? Right. Canada is more welcoming to immigrants and refugees. So they settle in Windsor, Ontario, which is across the bridge, basically, from Detroit. So he's going into Detroit to work, but they're residing in Canada. He's like, one day... I see a man in Detroit, a black guy, cool guy, with a nice coat and a feather in his hat. And you're like, you mean a pimp?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he's like, this is who I would need to be with, these guys. And you're like, pimps. And they just get in the car and drive to California. That was the inspiration for it. He was inspired by the pimp. And then went to California. Yeah. And then started pimping himself. How much? I mean, her life is crazy. It's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It broke down. Was it like his bus?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I don't know. There's a few things. He passed, right? Her stepdad passed. Her stepdad passed. Her mother passed as well. Okay. So the first time I met her mother, what was funny to me was she was like, my mom's crazy. And I was like, yeah, my mom's crazy. Every mom's crazy. Yeah, we're crazy. She's like, my mom's crazy. And I go, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we've been dating, I don't know, a few months or something at that point. And she's like, okay, we're going to go to this restaurant now. And she's like, again, you know, just so you know, I go, just relax. It's fine. So... I got this. We go to, we sit at this restaurant. Her mother comes in. She's got her hair's done. Blonde lady, very nicely done.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like a well put together lady, like nice sweater, pearls. Yeah, she said she was beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah. You know, has her makeup, nails. Like she looks very presentable. This is a nice, elegant woman in her probably what, late 50s or something at the time. And I go, hi. And she's like, hi. And then she, Christina's here. I'm over here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, like, describe him. Like, how old is he?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, and she does this little, she had this like little point with her. And she goes, I went to Bloomingdale's and this fucking try to tell you. And I was like, yeah. And I look at her and she goes... I told you. I told you. And I was like... And then she just goes off, goes off on the fucking... Bloomingdale's. It's wild. And she... Yeah, she had a wild mouth. The dad did too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I don't... I thought he was a saint. You know what I mean? Yeah, she told us her dad would take her to Club Med. Club Med. That's crazy. Crazy. First time I met her dad. This is... I can 100% tell you when this happened. Because it must have been 2005. Yeah. Because I think that's the year that Michael Richards was on stage at the Laugh Factory. That makes sense. And dropped the N-bomb.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we went to his house the weekend after. He goes, what the fuck's the problem with saying that? I go, what? And he goes, why? He's like, if somebody is an N-word, why can't I say it? And I go, right? He goes, there's one across the street. Look at his lawn.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They don't give a shit. They're like words. What do you mean?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Words? What? This guy's in trouble? I go, he's in big trouble. His life is ruined. He's like, I don't get it. Anyway, how long have you been dating my daughter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is nuts. So, yeah, they were pretty – they were, like, intense, Eastern European, like, hardcore ones. And, yeah, her mom – you know, her mom was complicated. Like, she would be sweet but also had this, like, fly off the handle. I remember one time she – She had ended up in the hospital. I think she had fainted at a lamp store or something like that. And we went to the hospital to visit her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Smells like a slip and fall. And she goes, I had a stroke. I had a stroke. And we were like, oh, shit. And then the doctor was like... He took us outside. He was like, she didn't have a stroke. And we were like, what? And he was like, she didn't have a stroke. You know, she fell. But her mother, who was going through a lot of things, was like the attention of that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I made a fatal error, which is that I was bedside with her, and I decided to try to lighten the mood with a joke. And it was like a simple, playful joke. I was like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
well you know when we get out of here you know would you like to go dancing or something maybe we can go for find a nice club to go dancing at tonight and she was like fucking dancing i had stroke no way to condense and i was like oh and i thought it would be like playfully dismissed yeah like oh tommy yeah yeah just like something to like you know just lighten the mood
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She got really, really mad about that. Who's going to fucking dance if they had a stroke? I'm like, well, I don't know, but you didn't have a stroke. But she got very mad about that. Yikes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She told me, she goes, I cut myself. I just cut myself, by the way, with the same fucking knife. Maybe we should get rid of these. These cigars are a little fucking. And I filleted open my finger. It was gnarly. And I was trying to just wrap it myself. And I was bleeding through it. I was like, I got to go. So I went to urgent care. And they put Steri-Strips and everything on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was just lazy, trying to slice something through my finger. She saw... My kids are always grabbing scissors, screwdrivers, hammers. Yeah, they sound like great kids.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's the deal, man? You know those little electric cars that kids drive? Power wheels. The miniature ones that you... I always wanted one of those. You zip around. So they have a couple older ones that like they don't really use anymore. And I walk up the other day and they're just like there's no steering wheel. There's two tires on one. They took it to a chop shop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The door is off the other one. And I was like. what the fuck happened? So I grabbed them, like, what happened? They were like, oh, we've been hitting them with hammers. And I go, why? And they're like, they don't work. So we took them to the shop. And I go, what's the shop? And then they both pulled out hammers, and they just fucking, like... You can't blame them. Good as new, Pop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and I was like, this is cool, guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Heirs, One Cave. This is an exciting day here. The sexual energy is thriving. It's charging. I can feel it in my bones. And we're really happy to tell you guys that on February 25th, you can check out the all-new Route 66 tour comedy special. It's coming out on YouTube. And these are the guys behind it. Give it up for the RU Guard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Terrors. Yeah. That's funny. That's, uh...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They do. Stabbed their mother. You know their favorite thing to do with me, they call it torture time. So they go, it's torture time. And I go, okay. So that means you clear the bed and I jump, I get on the bed and then they pummel me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But like, they get like really, like they punch, they choke me. They like, and I'm supposed to like, I get to pin them. And then as soon as they go, hey, then I have to let go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i was doing that and i had one leg locked like i had one man a dad's leg lock will fuck you oh yeah and i and i'm i stopped paying attention to him and i'm like this guy and then i just he's like he just starts crying i go what he goes your ass is close to my face and i go okay okay sorry then he calls for his mom dad put me by his asshole And I'm like, I didn't put you by my asshole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, meet the Seguras. Yikes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let it bleed through.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He had a knife, and she went to grab it, and then he didn't let go. So then her hand went and sliced it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. I mean, there's been snakes, too. One time they caught a copperhead, which is crazy. And they put him in a cooler. On their own? Well, with her cousin. Her cousin's like three years older.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, neither am I. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's good the tour didn't go up there. Sure, yeah. It stopped in L.A. He was really cool, though. And was he from Dominican, or just like Dominican?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Caught a copperhead. A copperhead, which is very dangerous. Put it in the cooler. Put the cooler on the trampoline. And then I go, what the fuck? Why are you doing that? And then my nephew was like, I secured the premises. That's what he said. He goes, everything's secured. Did you know there was a snake in the cooler? No, I go, what is that? What is that on there? Copperhead.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like, dude, that could really... That could fuck up the day. Yeah, that thing can fuck up, yeah. It can fuck up the rest of what would have been your life. That's like something from Yellowstone. Yeah. Hey, Dad, open this. Yeah, they're fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They are the best, though. I got to say. All the stories I tell are like people who don't have multiple boys go like, huh? And then everybody who has boys is like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like it would just be like it would be hell in the cell until my mom got how these how kids like adjust your your emotions. So yesterday I hear this banging. I'm like, what is this? And I get out, and they had taken, you know, like, workout bands? Yeah. They had taken a band, and they put it around a different type of toy car, and they're pulling it, but it's hitting the walls.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I go, hey, guys, look at the wall. Like, it's all banged up. And I go, take that shit off, and, you know, don't do it again. And I go, now I have to have this touched up. Like, you fucked up the wall. I have to pay for that. And then my oldest, he goes, I can do it. Get the hammer. No. I go, I don't want you to do it. I want it to look good. So I would have a professional do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He goes, it's just a little paint. I go, again. It's also like you're getting in a fight with him. I go, you're not doing it. Listen, you don't have the steady hand to do that, okay? You're definitely not doing it. Gives you an estimate. You're going to cost me money by doing this nonsense. And then I'm fired up, and I go, just don't do shit like that. He goes, or maybe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't get so upset about a little bit of paint.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like. Because he's right. He's not wrong.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, one of my kids gave a C-note to a kid in school the other day. What? Yeah. He's got that kind of cash on him? I was like, what the fuck, man? I go, what? He goes, hey, don't get upset. No one's upset. And I go, okay. What for? He's like, he's a good kid.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Smart kid. Could use it. Straighten him out. I go, what are you talking about? He's a really good kid. I just wanted to do something nice for him. I was like, you don't have to do that for people. You don't have to give them cash. What the fuck? Where did he get the $100 from? I don't fucking know. He stole it from me. Jesus. Yeah. I don't know. Man. Yeah. I was like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, I'm not mad at you. Can we just make sure that we are not in the practice of giving cash? Who dimes him out for something like that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What, the kid ran him out and say, hey, he gave me $100? I think a teacher saw it. A teacher saw it and was like, is that a $100 bill? And they were like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right. So, yeah, he, I don't know, man. Those kids are, yeah, they're wild. That's funny. Wait, let's talk about money. Okay. So what's going on? Can I have some? What's going on? Get your son here. Get the kid in here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It took me like two years to... Last time I saw you, or at least when we were podcasting, you were debating about a car. Do you remember this? Yeah. You were like, I want to get this car. I don't know about that car. But what did you end up getting?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We get it, yeah. We lost a lot of money, thanks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're in the red on this fucking thing, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was sleeping. I didn't see any of this. Holy shit, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you have a new, you got a new one? No, I bought a 95. Oh, you bought a 95.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It wouldn't get out of reverse?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who's running away, huh?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Went wrong.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On the tour?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So if I have it. But now that you've been doing this, the podcast has obviously grown. It's become successful. You're selling tickets on the road. When you get money now, do you put some aside for taxes and or? Well, we got a business manager.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Good. So that's pretty cool. And then he should be also easy talking to you about a pension. We're not there yet. No, like you don't have to start with a lot, but like just contributing. Because you know what you're saying? I'm 49.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're never too late to contribute to something that you can tap into after you're a retirement age. That's what I'm saying. You're not going to want to hustle the same level when you're an older guy, right? Sure. I am an older guy. He is an older guy. He's older than you. Am I? I guess. I'm 49. Well, then, yeah. What are you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're doing pretty good. I used to have a lot more gray.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I learned this too. I learned this too. I learned this too, which is like, I've had different business managers and stuff. Nobody. You trust them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, this is what you learn. What you learn is that you can hire the absolute best, best, best of the best. And nobody will ever look after your money like you with more concern than you. Right. So I got to get I don't know if that's true. All you have to do, what I'm saying is, yes, you should trust somebody. If this is a trustworthy person, trust them, right? But ask for a monthly report.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But they don't do that. But ask, here's what I'm saying. Ask for like a monthly...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, look, it might be a Ponzi scheme, and in which case... You know, best of luck. But in the idea that it's not, which I hope it's not, and that somebody is taking care of you. Just all I'm saying is ask for things and ask questions. And you are only going to get where you want to be if you tell this person what your goals are. Because what will happen is if you go, I'm just giving an example.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you're like, my goal is like, I want to buy a house in this neighborhood. And you don't mention it. Things are happening, and then when all of a sudden you want to do it, they're like, well, we didn't know that. They can help you structure it. I don't know what that is, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, that's fine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you want to not have to work one day? Yeah. Okay, that'd be one of your goals, then. Tell them that. Tell them that. I could do that now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
let's go back to being a bum do you have a house now then maybe you want to get one one day yeah i'm just saying to tell them tell them what you have on your mind don't assume that they'll know what it is your goal is that's all i'm saying sure no i agree i agree i actually just did that i was like hey man what would it look like if i got it like when can i buy an apartment yeah right
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Beautiful. Koalina is gorgeous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That wasn't cheap. Yeah. Yeah. No, none of it is. Weddings are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In Hawaii, oh my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So how many did you have to end up covering? None. It all worked out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, that's stressful. That is stressful just thinking about it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If they were like, good news, you only have to pay for 19 nights for people that didn't come.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You had a good time. Beautiful. Let me ask you this, because for everybody watching right now, you're either going to know that tomorrow, or if you're seeing this after, that there's a special out on YouTube. It's on the RU Garbage YouTube page. Yeah. It's the Route 66 tour special. So it encompasses a bunch of stuff you guys did on the road. You documented a whole tour. What happens now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That would have been a dead giveaway, I figured. Oh, so it was just to, like, save face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It comes out. Are you guys going back on the road?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. So we got there. Were there stains on it? I mean, Tommy. From the outside?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. Conduct business. I'm a fan of it. You know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you are doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're going to put something down?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like B.A.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. That is kind of a garbage vehicle, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, they were staying. At a glance, I could have maybe sat in some water or something like that. I remember when I was with my dad one time, and we were in Portland, Maine. And we went out. He was like, let's go get lobster. And so we got lobster. And then we walked. It's like a father-son trip. By the way, it's like I'm fucking 40. I mean, this is like a few years ago. And we get back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's all sweet on the inside?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One thing that is crazy. Somebody pointed this out to me. I forget who it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was on the road one time and another comic was staying at the same hotel this is like 10 years ago and we were playing different places and I go are they coming to pick you up and he was like oh no no no he's like no one ever picks me up and I thought he meant like disrespectfully I was like what he goes oh I refuse yeah like what do you mean you refuse
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, these motherfuckers don't know how to drive. They're nuts. He's like, I rent a car in every city I go to. And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind, right? Ten years later, every other time I get picked up in a city, it is some fucking Yahoo who is, like, talking to me. They don't care. I'm like, you're a professional driver. Like, brake checking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, just driving like an asshole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And half the time, I'll ask when we get... I'm like, if the drive isn't far, I'll be like, hey, can I rent the car? I'll just drive myself. I'd rather be behind the wheel.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, there's a lot of fucking, all right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, your business manager will be a lot happier with this purchase if you use it for a lot more transportation. Sure. You know what I mean? Well, that's the thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you don't know, just don't do it. Yeah, don't ask the guy we pay. Don't ask the guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
to the we're in the hotel lobby and he's like i gotta take a shit so he just goes to the lobby bathroom and i go up to the room we're sharing a room sure so i go into the bathroom of the hotel room we're in and i'm sitting there taking a shit and then i don't know a minute later i hear I go, what's up? He goes, me. I go, I thought you fucking were using the bathroom downstairs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a long flight. Woo! I remember the... before like this is 2007 uh I had miles and I had like I don't know points or something and I figured out the and I I went to Hawaii with Christina uh huh and she was like this place is fucking I was like yeah it's no problem no big deal uh And I had calculated that this trip with whatever I was doing was going to cost me $3,000.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then when I checked out, you forget things like breakfast. Sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like a big breakfast. Yeah. And then I'm checking out, and they're like, here's your bill. And it was like $7,500. And I was like, and I didn't say anything. I just was like, doo-doo-doo. And I left. And then, I don't know, six months later, I was still being like, fuck. And I believe that, yeah, that bill went to collections.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Man. And then they called me. I still got some stuff in collections. And I paid it. And the guy, I was like, I paid that off. He's like, oh, the guy on the phone, he goes, oh, you a big baller? Little pussy bitch. He's like, you big baller, you paid that off? And I was like, what? I was like... Just taunting you? Yeah, he was taunting me. That's great. Big bull.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If not, I'm losing money. Yeah, that's fucking amazing. All right. Well, thank you guys for coming in. Thank you, buddy. We love you. We love you guys. Are You Garbage? Route 66 tour special comes out February 25th. It's on their YouTube channel. Make sure you check it out. Make sure you listen and follow Are You Garbage? And we'll see you guys soon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you, guys. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate it. Bye, guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, I shit my pants. And I go, okay. So he's like, hurry up. I go, I'm on the toilet, man. Like, hold on. So I clean up. I get out, and he's like, I shit my pants. I go, what happened? He's like, well, I was walking in, and it was five feet too far. So I was like, okay. So he goes in there. He cleans up. And then he comes out, and he's telling me the story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like tearing up laughing at it. And then he's like, all right, well, let's go to whatever, like go to see a movie or something. And he starts putting pants on. I go, are those the pants you just shit in? He's like, well, yeah. I go, well, don't you want to look at them? And he holds them up, and you see this brown stain. I go, you can't wear those. He goes, why?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, because there's shit on them. And he goes, it's just a little bit of shit. That's crazy. And I go, that's not a sentence. No one says it's just a little bit of shit. I go, don't you have other pants? He's like, yeah. I go, well, get the other fucking pair of pants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
garbage guys kevin and h foley everybody what's up guys um good to see you thanks for having us of course it's so good to see you congratulations thank you special thank you this is a documentary special yeah that encompasses are you garbage with the with the crowd stand up yeah and i think actually it's the thing that people want to see the most which is like the bits the off off stage fun shit like yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, he's an animal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was it a slow reveal that you had done this? In other words, they found.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's a moment, right? It's like one quick moment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, right, because you have to check sometimes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So at this point, in your mind, you just got away with this, right? Heist of the century time. It was like the Lufthansa heist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On the bus, fucking around in restaurants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You need to see the evidence before you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It just shows you, too, that you can work at comedy for so long, and a real moment like that will be funnier than anything you ever read. You need a fat guy to shit in a dumpster.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure. Your mind is fascinating.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what I'm saying? He said, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's interesting that you still remember all those numbers. Because we can tell you what we made at clubs, what we made at theaters, what we made at arenas. You don't forget.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, his app, your app, The Pump, is fucking awesome. Well, thank you. Your workouts, I did your first workout. Of course, I did advanced weight muscle building. I expect nothing less. Thank you. Bench, T-bars, squats, flies. I mean, it's a great workout. And the schmooze, the weekend schmooze, is fucking so great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and you will continue on with the workout. Oh, the workouts are amazing. My dad's your age, 77? Yeah. And he just got into working out because of getting out of a chair. Right. And I was like, Dad, you got to get the pump. You got to get the pump. It's such a great... Can I tell you what's fascinating about you? Your book is amazing. Your book is amazing. I'm saying this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you have a high school child getting ready to go to college, buy them this book. This book is a guideline of how you should live your life. But I couldn't stop thinking that it's so rooted. All of your philosophies about life are so rooted in it. in working out. The way you look at everything is you've got to have struggle to have growth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The way you look at the world with just optimism or selling, withhold some stuff first. It's really amazing. Working out informed all of you, I think.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What exercise? I'm going to be all exercise questions. You look great, by the way. You look fantastic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. So this is what I needed. You were at the precipice of bodybuilding and working out. What exercises showed up in your career that you were like – You're like, wait, I heard you talk about tricep extensions one time. I think it might have been in your book. And I was like, all the exercises showed up. All the stuff we just know as. I still do Arnold presses, and you created that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But what other exercises showed up when you were working out, and you're like, oh, this is brand new, and I love it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you're going to engage the muscles.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I feel like I know this a little bit, but if you had to have your top five heroes that gave us the guy we got today, because when I got the Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding, I'm going to be very honest, I was like, maybe I'm gay. Because I couldn't stop looking at your body. And I was like, this is like, I mean, this is why.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And when I work out, I put the documentary, your documentary on Netflix, I put it on. It inspires me. But you draw inspiration from men, like I do. And I know you did. So who are your top five Hall of Fame dudes that gave us the guy we got today?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never realized that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know, I know. I'm going to go fucking bench 315. Yeah. Shit. I'm ready to go, dude. You really are fucking awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like in the halfway through, I almost go, will you be our mentor?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Before Ozempic, he was really strong. Shut the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When we were working out, you had so many great stories about Milton Berle. Oh, yeah, yeah, Milton Berle. And I would just love for you to share them. You know Milton Berle? Of course, of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You were Lou Frigno, and Lou Frigno's dad is gold.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're just, I mean, I feel like I could talk to you for an hour, another hour, and I know you have stuff to do, but you're just so, like I'm dying to one day to get the call and go, Bert, you and Tom want to have a cigar with me? And we're just out there smoking. What does your cigar regimen look like these days?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Same time?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I think about it every morning. Oh, you do? He's obsessed with death.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world and that death will be the one unlucky thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said, it's the only thing that I know. Well, I mean, I will simply say – Your docuseries on Netflix is outrageous. It's so good. It is really great. Your book is phenomenal. I can't reiterate this enough, especially if you have a young boy. And this is coming from my perspective. If you have an 18-year-old boy, you buy him this book. It is so good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if you are looking to get in shape this New Year's coming up, get The Pump. The Pump is awesome. And The Schmooze is you. You are writing The Schmooze. It is very personal. And the comment section is wildly positive. It is just people pumping each other up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you said when you were a child that you never felt Austrian. You felt like you were American. You felt like you belonged here. And I will just simply say, as an American kid, you are like my favorite American. Yeah. Yeah, well, thank you. You're an American hero now. Yeah, you're an American hero.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I always say no one should cry at my funeral because I have done it. Like I have done it. But when I look at your life, I'm like, Jesus, I still have work to do. Yeah. So you don't want anyone to cry at your funeral? No, I want everyone to cry. Really bad. Everyone to cry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He said he would be okay. How do we not go move forward? How do we not schnitzel?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Arnold, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Exactly, yeah, yeah. Get that down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
315.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You will do it. I will do it. Well, you will do it. I would wish you could be there. I was trying to organize it here at Gold's. Okay. And get the boys out here. Let's organize it. I'll see if I can.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's got good height.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, come on. I mean, look at this. You ready for this? This is the size your arm was when you were 16. I went through your measurements. Your arm at its biggest, 22 inches. This is 17 and a half. Chest right now, you are five inches bigger than me at your biggest. Your waist and my waist, nine inches difference.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And be useful, exactly. Because you're talking about Franco. And Tom is my best friend. And Franco is your best friend. Right. And I can tell stories about Tom. of what I love about him and why he's my friend. And I was wondering, I read your letter you wrote when Franco passed away last night in bed. I was having a glass of wine. And I got emotional.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I went, oh, man, I'm going to do that for Tom when he dies before me. But I would love for you to tell a story just about... Look at that face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would love for you just to tell a story about Franco that maybe you haven't told or like what you loved about him or just anything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, for several years now, the Macan has been the top seller. And the Cayenne, the SUVs, these do extremely well for the company. And basically, the cars that people are... I would say the most passionate about is like the GT line for Porsche, like GT3s and everything. Everyone's like, those are the coolest fucking cars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those are... That line, the GT division, is basically supported by the fact that they sell so many of these other cars. I think... It wouldn't be... They wouldn't be profitable if they were like, we just make GT3s.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Pussy is a very good. Pussy and Porsches are line. Like they're just exactly the same thing. You're just. You can't wait to get it. And then once you dump inside, you're like, I'd like to try another one. You know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think he had him on nutrition plans and his training regimen from the NFL that Ed was doing. Yeah. But when he was a kid, it's insane. You got to do that with your boys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's very cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's an AP.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's really, really other level. He's like probably the best celebrity ambassador for that entire field. I think he's the best one. He's so passionate about it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ed Sheeran's also a huge, huge collector. Dude. Yeah, really crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They really are. Yeah, he's... He also owns a plane. Did you tell him that when he said to get your money back? He bought a Challenger. He did? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw a clip of you on. Yeah, look at your eyes. I saw a clip of you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On Rogan saying you speak Spanish because everybody in Florida speaks Spanish. Yeah. Did you also say you speak Italian? Claro.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Packed lunches. Mexican women's...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, he's got a feast to go to work. Dude. You realize if he brings any of that back, she's going to hit him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Lunch for my husband.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I told you. Yeah. I told you. They did the signs of the cross. Of course. My mother used to do that to all of us, by the way, leaving the house. Are you serious? Every day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every time I get this, though... Thank you, buddy. Every time I get this, I think about heroin, though. How much fun that has to be. Because that goes right into your bloodstream, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's an awesome. Look at this. Do you go to Mexico?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I mean like regularly?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Unless I need something. Oh, my gosh. Shout out to the fucking guy. We were at the bottle signing. Yeah, keep going. Hold on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. This is a, oh my God. I could watch homemade salsas being made on a loop. Okay, okay. You ever make homemade salsa?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They have 8.7 million followers. What the fuck? On TikTok? Real J. Lynn?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This guy's eating an insane amount of.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What do you think that is, Tommy? It says, bro, they done fried Duolingo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If I had one of these meals, one. I want chicken tenders now. I would have so much diarrhea for so long. Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You want to start doing videos like this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I see that, yeah. The old school cars with the old school jams. I love it. Look at Le Sleepy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
who he said joe rogan i said what makes you say that and he goes well that's who likes the drip fast am i right coco intravenous drug users how because it's like it crushes you like when i yeah i do it um when i get it regularly i do the the the 500 and they go oh you're taking it pretty quick it still takes me um i guess pretty quick for the 500 would be like an hour and and i've
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you have an association with it now. How do you think she got that nickname? You think she was because she was sleepy a lot or she looks sleepy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's an influencer, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You love hot dogs. It says La Sleepy Hot Dog. Dude, I fucking love hot dogs. How do you not book her for a hot dog?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I used to leave the Hollywood Bowl, when I would go to shows there, there would always be somebody with a hot dog, bacon-wrapped hot dogs, and the corn, the Mexican corn.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hang on. That's a great idea. It was fun making hot dogs at my bro Boo Boo's ice cream truck. So you can probably get both.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, not everyone, but there's always a segment of society. I mean, isn't some of this just having like a bit of an existential crisis in a way of like knowing that you start to get to a certain age where you realize that it's not forever and there's things you want to do? I think that happened before Instagram. There's just people that you just realize you have one go at this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But there is that feeling when you get it where it actually can, like, you feel pain, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if there's things like that that are exciting to you, there's a ticking clock on it. There's just only so much time you have that you can do things. I think about stuff like that too. I don't think it's all, sometimes what it is, is that the Instagram or the image you see reminds you of that thing that's already in your mind.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like I want to climb a mountain or I want to go to a place, but you still wanted to go to that place before you saw images of it. You still wanted to do that thing. But I see what you're saying, that it can fuel it. But I still think, you know, it's not like 30 years ago people weren't thinking of those things. They were still having those thoughts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It just wasn't always prompted by looking at their phone. That didn't exist. They still wanted to do those things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So why would an intravenous drug user enjoy that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, some, but some people also see it as it's being performative on those platforms allows people to sometimes monetize that. Right. Which allows them to do the thing they want to do. So for some people like sailing or running, they're like, If I didn't have this social media thing... I couldn't do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But wait a minute. Didn't you still enjoy going to the game with them?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's on her. I just want to say, just gay bars are where it's at. We went to the Iron Bear last night. And he was dancing there. Cap, cap, cap, cap.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They are holding it down, dude. They're not letting go. And it is nice that there's no end in sight. It doesn't stop. In elementary school, black guys are holding on to that shit hard. But I will say this. In all sincerity, it was such a fun night. It was so fun. It was great. We went to the Iron Bear here in Austin. It was a Porosos Bar takeover, but the vibes were the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everybody was there, meaning the regulars that go to that place, fans, couples, women, guys, and it was just everybody was in a great mood. We got to do... interviews outside on the street with people, which was way more fun than I thought it would be. But everybody there was so welcoming. They were just really cool. And it was a fun night, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So big shout out to the Iron Bear and I guess everybody that just came out to that. It was a fun, fun time. You guys were a blast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. No, my God. I would have paid so much for it to have any there and had a guy move him by holding his waist. Hands on the waist and moved him. Just to have him been like, yeah, no. Hey, man. Just the hands. Just the hands. Dude. There we are. Gay men fucking rock. Yeah, it was fun, man. Gay men. And they told us the greatest stories.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But then afterwards you feel great. You feel great. I'll tell you the other thing that I, there's nothing to do with this is a nitrous oxide. Like when you're, I was just in the office.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a couple that describe themselves as like. Also, they said the smaller end of dicks was between six. If you're kind of like average small, you know, like six to seven. I was like, wait, wait, what? Smaller?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I wore the gayest shirt I had, and it seemed to work well.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. We got fluids going into us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you this? Yeah. It is flattering being complimented. Because men will say it to you in a way that women never will. Women don't know how to. So you can know a woman digs you, but it's like you're sensing it. But the guys are very direct. I would argue...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, that was the best. I was laying there and they were like, take, you know, inhale five times, breathe back into the thing. Cause it gives you night. And then,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, not so bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you. That feels good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is interesting how gay compliments feel so good. Why do?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. It's almost like the trajectory. I would feel like now it's like gay compliments are amazing. Black compliments are great. And then a gay black compliment. Unbelievable. Oh, my God. And there was a few last night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, they were super appreciative.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, because when we were doing interviews, you were like, I'm pretty hammered. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. I was not saying that. I wasn't hammered. You said that to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Yeah, and you started with martinis and then you had like a bottle of wine. Yeah. So it's not like you drank.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're talking about a doctor and I go, okay. And I was, I felt so high and the doctor was like, do you feel it? And I go, not really. And they go, just keep doing it. And I was like, okay. And I was like, oh, this is the best, but it's out of your system so fast. Can you get us some of that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we were drinking on the street. And we're like, hey, we're not allowed to drink on the street. And they're like, it's fine. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, all this shit that like as a straight guy where you go, oh, you know, gay guys have it the best because they just get to fuck whenever. And you're like, well, that's kind of a stereotype. And then you talk to some of these guys and they're like, well, you know, sometimes you end up doing this. And then all of a sudden there's five of you fucking each other. And you're like, wait, five of you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, oh, yeah. And then you think that's a lot. And then you end up in a warehouse in Dallas and there's 200 people fucking. And you're like, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
tom goes wait are you on like a group text yeah i was like how did you learn about this shit he's like well if you really like fucking you find out i was like i like fucking i like to find out god dang yeah what and that wait what did that guy look like That was the guy, you asked him about the beard. He had like the cropped out beard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, they would want to be fucked by Jason. You think they'd want to fuck? It's a big man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. He is the perfect bear. He is the perfect bear. Although, some might argue, we learned this last night, that To be considered a bear, some of the standards for hair are kind of ridiculous. I didn't know this. I thought they were like, oh, that's not enough hair. What are you talking about? No, you need to be completely covered. All over your back. All over your shoulders.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every inch of you has to be hair. Otherwise, these guys would be like, you're not really a bear.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know, and I thought it would be fun to say that, like, hey, put a couple drops of cum in it. And nobody liked it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, I thought we were gay. And they were like, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You never, like, were curious, hey, you know, what's this gay shit all about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No? Zolo? Neither?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you never were like, oh, I'm just going to blow a guy once just to see if I, like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you think... Oh, it's going to be this... Like, some will be like, yes, and some... No, we're not going to ask them. But I'm saying it's like anything where some people will be like, oh, I love it, and some people hate it. Hang on, hang on. Hold on one second.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I know that. I'm saying some have a taste for it and some don't, just like you're saying. No, I don't think someone's going like, I don't think there's anyone in your office silently thinking to themselves, God, I want to taste their gum. No, no, not theirs. I'm saying in their own lives, some of them are into it and some are not. That's what I'm saying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like some have boyfriends where they're like, yeah, I love it. I know that. What I'm saying is. You're talking about us?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I will tell you this. This is the thing that has been so crazy to me. I would say three or four times in the last year, and I wouldn't say this if I didn't have repeated evidence of this. where we travel a lot for a living, so we're always around people, a lot of people, shaking hands, all this. And I regularly get colds, get sick, viruses. And you kind of know when it's day one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would do it for, by the way, Coco, no offense. I would do it for $40.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I think a lot of, by the way, a lot of straight guys, if you have from a million dollars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you don't have to take it fresh from the source.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, no, dude. He drinks it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, how did you go from $5,000 back to $1,000? That's awful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's not what I... Was Ari just learning that there? That's what I'm asking. Yes. So Ari didn't know? Ari didn't know, no. And Matthew's also French, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, ah, fuck, I'm getting sick. Four or five times in the last year, it's been day one. And I got a heavy NAD like two, three days in a row and just, it went away. And I'm like, holy shit. And I tried to, I want to tell people that because dude, like I have seen it multiple times now where like, I know I'm about to be sick for two weeks and And it's like, oh, I just didn't get sick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've never seen him with a croissant in his hand. You don't have to. You can just be like, yeah, he's a French Jew.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's insane.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's brought to you by First We Feast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Taking it from the source, I understand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I understand if you were like, hey, this guy's going to fire it right into my face. That might be like a different price.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
that's even that's just the same thing but worse what the fuck i don't know but like it's a fucking surprise yeah it's a surprise i was like it's in it's in a souffle like you don't know you think you're eating something i bet you've had cum before no all right new office game we gotta get any to eat cum without him knowing it yes and then we give you the cum surprise yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know you were like, yeah, bitch, go get some Colgate.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't think it's kind of hot to have a little bit of your remnants on her mouth when she kisses you? I sure don't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't kiss me. No. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
she is god man I'm bummed wait a minute but Zolo back to you and Chad yeah you've kissed a girl after she's given you nice mouth kisses right
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, of course not. No, of course not. You're a fucking adult, man. You're supposed to like full French after that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you go, hey, you go leave a little in my stash. I want to know it was there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Clip it out. All right, we got to run. We got to run. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. And yeah, we'll see you next week. I love you. Love you too. Bye.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The Two Bears 5K is less than two weeks away. And listen, you can come in person or you can run virtually. First of all, though, you have to sign up at TwoBears5K.com.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tell Jordan we said what's up and thank you, please. I sure will.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You tripping good? So speaking of being out of touch and not knowing the prices of things, you see this new line of Rolexes that came out?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The funny thing to me about if you talk to watch people, you know that people are in that world. People are scared of Rolexes. Rolex is terrifying as a brand and a company because they're like the Vatican. They're so powerful. They will crush people who are... I mean, they protect the shit out of their brand. The way that they will...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The way that they allow you to be, let's say, an authorized dealer, dude, they send in people that you don't know are there. They check everything from the cloth on the table that you display on, the way that the logo is displayed on the wall, and they give you... critiques that you don't know about. At the end of the year, they come in and they go, you didn't do this shit right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if you don't do it right again, we're just gonna pull it from here. People will get like scared.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That sounds really cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Rolex, it's like fucking in the kitchen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's good, isn't she? Yeah. I've actually never seen one go in right there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're either into it or you're not. I mean, I know. There's obviously a huge, huge fan base for this. And people get into it for different reasons. Some of it for the art involved. Because they are like pieces of art. Some of it to, like you say, mark...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I know we've heard you. We know the fans love Watch Talk. And we promise, you know, we'll keep it up. We'll keep telling you things that we've acquired that you can dream about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who's going to, why don't you make it half that and it makes sense? Okay. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is saying that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it doesn't have anything to do with what you're reading.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Lead your business into the future with smart features and automations that boost efficiency.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm losing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Please, to me? Yes, I'm trying to read the copy. Okay, exactly. End of piece. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't go so fast. Let me tell you how you put it for me, please. Can we go future before? Okay. Right there. It's fine. Lead your business into a future where it's not features and it's not going to boost efficiency and save you time. I don't know if it's commercial, but you don't favor anybody. That was great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is shit to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but you can't read like that. Who's going to listen to you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, well, you're not going to make any money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But shh, just don't talk. I'm doing an ad. Please stop. But don't, just don't talk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't ask me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whip up the golf, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm waiting to play golf.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
87.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Adam “Pacman” Jones Chased Who Off the Field?? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, yeah, I know, you need to watch it one more time. I'm super grateful, honestly, for the experience and getting to do it. Because I was telling, I was with Joe, and I was like, I go, you know this is actually my real dream, right? And he was like, what do you mean? And I go, well, I moved to LA. I go, I didn't move to LA to do standup. It wasn't even on my radar.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had zero, it was just, it wasn't even a thought. And I go, even though like I have a standup career that I'm super happy about and grateful for, I go, you still, that thing in your mind never leaves that you go, it was my dream to like make things like this, you know? So to get to execute it felt like it was a dream.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It'd be like if somebody was like, if you could jump into a 22-year-old version of yourself and play baseball, you'd be like, yeah. That's what I wanted to do. Right. What I wanted to do when I moved to LA was make comedy movies. You know what I mean? So this was like, it felt like they were like, here you go. Go ahead and do the thing you wanted to do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, they love it. They were talking about it in school.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So much, so much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, yeah, yeah. Now, we played with that a lot. And then even when we thought we had our order, we were still debating. And we ended up switching some things around. But almost from the beginning, we thought that that assassin one was the way to start the show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was, uh, Casting was crazy. One of the things was like, we're in Austin. Because we always talk about if we were in LA, it would be so easy to call so many people you knew. So that was a big thing. And we did cast a lot of Austin people that were super talented. People also came from Houston and Dallas. And we had people fly in from New York and Arizona.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But when it came to those, it was... So... The Sickler thing, we were just like, hey, who do you want standing next to you while you're naked? Because at first they were like, should we just cast a local guy? I liked that it was Sickler. I was like, it'll be fun to be Sickler.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Kevin did me just a super solid because it was a small part, and he's an accomplished actor who's been in a bunch of real things. Bobby, I thought, was so perfect... to play the part of... He plays the victim so well. You know when he's being bullied in a way? His natural way of playing that I think is so funny. Him in that role is so funny. He's great. I wasn't supposed to be in that one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My role in that one with Bobby, that was supposed to be Momoa. And so our whole thing was...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you can't get someone who's like genuinely a sex symbol let's get somebody who's like kind of like why the fuck do you find this person sexy Wow wait so what happened momoa backed out yeah so we changed all our whole entire production moved everything all to accommodate like his schedule because he was like I'll do it we were all like out of our minds just so happy about it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and then like two weeks before he facetimed me from a bathtub he was like hey what's up i'm like are you taking a bath he's like yeah hey i can't make it man and i was like fuck i was like he was like in new zealand they were shooting more pickups from his movie or something so i was like all right so then we were like we didn't want to get somebody where you go like yeah that guy's
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
sexy too because like he stands out did you reach out to brad pitt we did reach out to the he was shooting a movie in i don't know louisiana or something so but then we were like once we get those guys off the table it felt like it was funnier to make it like the anti-sex symbol i thought it was even by the way i mean i'm sure momo would have been it would have been hilarious to watch him walk in and i bet he would have killed it but i thought it was funnier that it was the guy that makes subs
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, then we just tried to make him kind of a dirtbag. Yeah, so that was that. And we got surprised. Shea Wiggum saying yes to the baddest ass. And then Dan Stevens, who plays the guy that runs the old folks home with the old lady, the guy who's like these people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Same guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is the guy from Downton Abbey. Yeah, it's him. He's so handsome. Shit. He's gorgeous. I could see how she could confuse them, but they're also about 30 years apart in age. A lot. Well, you know what's crazy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Give him the job. Hey, I just wanted to meet you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He is amazing, actually. Yeah. He's a really great actor.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, yeah, it kind of does feel like that. The only note they ever gave me was don't say the N word. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's so funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I turned down a movie that shot in Oklahoma City. back then where like they just they gave me an offer to play the part and it was like here's the days you need to be here and I was like I can do that it was like let's say 12 days right of shooting this movie and they're like cool we need you two weeks before then And then a week after, and I was still like, okay, maybe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then as we got closer, they're like, you actually need to stay multiple weeks after also. So the 12-day shoot, they wanted me there for like six weeks. And I was like, I can't do that, dude. That's insane. That's crazy. Because of like how they were quarantining back then.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yes no the for this show it was casting was like a very scrambled thing where you're always like who fits into this part what's the what's the way that they would um you know who can do it at what time and it was always like what would be a good fit people's schedule um looking back i don't know if you what was the one i think we were
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
because i wanted to actually play you in one and we were kicking around that idea um yeah so it just i just didn't it's just one of those things where it wasn't like uh never thought about or discussed it just didn't pan out um but you know hopefully we can do another one hopefully there's season two yeah what would you like to play just a guy that sucks a dick or gets fucked in the ass or shits himself or eats a guy with shit on his ass whatever you're whatever you like whatever you're into you know
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, do you want to do like an orgy scene or something?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we got Shea Whigham in that, who's, like, playing the guy on the other end of the phone. I met him. Yeah, but he's, like, unbelievable actor, you know? Crazy. Getting those people in it, like, Dan Stevens was in a couple, Daniela Pineda. It made everything, you know, especially if you take a silly, absurd idea, and you have, like, a real actor go, like, hey, ground this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You do you really well, though. I do me pretty good. You do you really well. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, thanks. I appreciate that. I think playing the characters is the most fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That also freaked me out. And also, I think I told you, and I wasn't joking, that day when I was playing the Italian guy, and I was A, walking around, and everybody was like, wow, you look great. And I would look in the mirror, and I was like, maybe I do want hair transplants. That was the only day that I thought that. I was like, wow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's pretty dark.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. My friend Steve that came to the 5K. Yeah. Yeah. We're the same age, and his beard is totally dark. And I was like, you're using a dye, right? He's like, no, it just grows like this. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, it was so dark.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Eight days. You're almost time to get a coin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, it's over in four hours. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah i know we fly differently we talked about that um i just i'm like yeah i don't care dude do a barrel roll i don't give a shit and then yeah turbulence makes me laugh everyone's like panicking on my flight and i'm like it's fine You can hear it like the engine separating from the wing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Both.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, where is that, by the way, so we can say it? And then I think I'm going to the Post Malone Jelly Roll concert. Okay, hold on. It's the Old Crow Smokehouse. It's the 24th. Scroll up a little. Yeah, the May 21st, 8 p.m. That's 3506 North Clark Street in Chicago. It is a free and open to the public event, 21 and over. Of course, that is going to be a lot of fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think it just makes everything better.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We've done a bunch of bar takeovers all over the country. And so you guys should come out. If you're in Chicago, we will be there from 8 p.m. And if I know Bert, we'll be there until way after 8 p.m.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There you go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's the offer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The next night. Oh, that's cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's okay. You'll have fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. I mean, those are exciting events, dude. I mean, NASCAR for me, when we went to the Daytona 500, I was like, holy shit. I'd never experienced anything like it. It really was so fucking cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I don't know, dude. F1 definitely erupted and had been a huge European thing. That's like a European sport, basically, that has gone global. And so it's always been the creme de la creme. That kind of society loves it. But also... I would say in Europe, you do have princes and dukes at F1, but the working class man also loves F1 there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It kind of transcends all social classes, even though people associate it as an elite kind of fan base. And I don't know. NASCAR started... With, like, in the southeast, you know? It was, like, country shit, those guys. That was the origins of it. So it's always been, like, this thing that... It did kind of become, like, this redneck is what you associate with it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But then you get around them, and you realize that these... you know, the fucking brains behind it. They're brilliant. Like the people who are analyzing the data and the engineers associated with it. I mean, it's very, very highly technical and super sophisticated. But people will casually kind of dismiss it as just being like a bunch of rednecks driving in a circle, you know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But why is American car culture is like –
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those are all things that I heard him say about Vietnam. So the funny thing about that one, if you want to know the story, is I wrote it as me taking my son to say goodbye to my dad on his deathbed. And then I go, is there anything you want to tell him? And then he starts saying all this war shit. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he's like, what? And I'm like, oh, OK.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you're right. You're totally right. I don't... I mean... Part of it, I think, is that in the F1 world, the teams that have the most kind of weight to them that are traditionally dominant in that sport, they're all European teams.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like luxe brands right it is mercedes and ferrari and mclaren um those are like those are household names but they're also like super elite brands so i think some of that is just the fan base that comes with that you know i mean like here it's chevy and ford that's a different it's a different thing do you know what i do you know what i got into watching uh it's you got me into drive to survive
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They have it for everything now. Wide receivers, quarterbacks. They have the tennis one, the golf one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh my God. Dude. Was that, it's like the thing that got roasted the hardest.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is he Argentine? Because they love Polo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it just keeps progressing. And we had that written. That was written. It was like ready to go. And then in the writer's room just discussing it, this idea came out of like, what if it came out of the kid, but it's from the – and I was like, oh, that's better. That is better. That's way better.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. Oh, it got renewed? Everybody was like slamming. But of course, it's probably got crazy views. It got crazy views. Because weren't the reviews for this just like insane?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You think she lives like this regardless of a camera's there?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think she's the real deal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Argument's sake.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, yeah. The portal stuff with Rob Eiler.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You were. It was awesome to hear you, actually.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. And the rumor is that William, you know, William's going to be king soon, is that he had planned on removing their titles completely because he so resents her and him for leaving.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, yeah, they're kind of fucked, man. They're not welcome back there. At least that's the rumor.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, casual invite.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I would say, yeah, totally. Just so you know, I think my wife has said some not so cool things about yours. Is that okay? Shit, she has.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, man. I think she had some commentary on a video, like, you know, making fun of something about her. And it was in the British tabloids and everything, too. Oh, for real? So they might know Christina's name. Yeah. But I'd be like, yeah, sure, we'll be there. I mean, I would go. Wouldn't you go? You'd go in a heartbeat. Fuck, yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you pay your own bills? There's a portal that I sign into and approve of certain bills that go out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I figured.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Seriously?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you have no idea how any of it works for you? None. None.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That one is, yeah, that's one of my favorites, too. I love the black and white one with the... Dude, shut the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, no, it's a statement piece. He builds houses. Yeah, yeah. That's so funny, though, that your lady tells you this is what we're getting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's rad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I love white cars. It's like your extension of your racial beliefs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, that's what I'm saying. It just fits you perfectly. You had the white truck. What was the truck? You had a Denali.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know why I bought it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, that... And that's one of my favorite ones. I mean, they're all kind of like, they feel like they're your babies, you know. But yeah, we had a really fun premiere that you came to, Leanne, a bunch of people that were in it. It was a really fun night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What do you think the last time I opened mail was? I think you would probably be the same as Bobby Lee. You both, I think, have the same financial planning. He's like, I don't know what it is. I don't know how much the amount. I've never seen a bill. I don't open a thing. I haven't done it in 25 years. Zero, zero awareness. I would say I haven't opened a piece of mail.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. What's something you should have opened?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's cool. It's good that you both have your role in that for sure. Yeah. I feel like in my house it's definitely the other way. No shit. Why do you think I found you? And I don't think Christina has paid a bill in many, many years.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is good to keep you like this then. You're right. If you knew, you might go like, oh, fuck it, and just go crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. That's the way to be then.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do I like who I am?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I mean, that's not my inner dialogue.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Honestly, the first thing is like, fuck, I'm tired. I wish I could sleep more.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I'm always like, God damn, I wish I could sleep more. I always try to just...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
stay in bed as long as i can unless i like absolutely have to get up but i mean i i what my point is that i don't stay in bed as long you know i mean like i get up so tired um then sometimes you know you wake up skinny so you're like it's a good morning and then sometimes you wake up fat no there we go then you wake up and wait wait wait where do you judge that skinny or fat
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah i mean it's similar mine is that the mirror is in front of me as i'm walking into the bathroom so it's straight on so it's like it's like your stomach is like feels like flat and you're like oh it's a good skinny morning boxers feel loose like oh this is nice um and then yeah some mornings you go fuck it fuck this mirror and you just turn right in and pee Yeah, dude. It varies day to day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Day to day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, dude. And skinny lighting, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I 1,000% agree.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Just skinny mirrors only.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They should all be bullshit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you weighing yourself?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How is it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is insane.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you don't look at the picture.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Holy shit, man. That's wild. Yeah, I got it trimmed down too. I think I put on like 10 pounds.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, because I shot it three years ago.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that was when I shot the pilot, which was, there was no deal. I just shot it on my own. And yeah, it's notable. And I kept bringing it up. I was like, shouldn't we make like a comment about it? It's that one. It's the coffee one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that one I'm definitely way bigger. And everyone was like, no. You know how other people are like, no. What do you mean? I'm like, you don't think people will notice? And they're like, no. I'm like, how can they not notice? I'm 40 pounds heavier. And they're like, I don't think anyone will notice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. Okay. But the last line was improv'd. What was that? Which one? The last line is, she goes, you killed three people. I go, I know I'm exhausted. And then I go, I don't know how you guys do it. Yeah, that was great. That was great. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thanks, man. I know. You must be just filled with joy. Good luck holding out on drinking on this flight. I hope you can make it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Let it go. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Eight days is good. Eight days is a long time. Eight days is a long time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're back on. You're just on it. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's pretty awesome. It's pretty good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Well, thanks. Thank you guys for watching and listening. And please check out Bad Thoughts. It's on Netflix. Please tell your friends. And yeah, thank you guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, tour dates, tomscura.com slash tour. I got a full fall schedule.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah yeah no totally i mean that's you know the feedback i i because i think um people in some of the people in production i i prepared them for this i was like i go this isn't a stand-up special but i go it's the same kind of thing is going to happen it comes out i go you're going to have a lot of people shower it with love and say how great it is and then i go if you want you just keep looking and you find the people they're like i hate this is the worst i go
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
just don't you can't like just focus on it you just have to accept it's part of how it goes you put something out you're not in control of how people react but like we love it the the people that made it and i'm like just uh you know be happy that some people really love it and then just you know move forward you can't like i haven't read i mean i you come up you and you come up in my news thread i've blocked me my name never comes up but you come up in my news thread yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's cool. That's cool. I mean... Yeah, I kind of have a zen attitude now. Christina was actually complimenting me on it. She was like, you're not checking all the time. I'm like, yeah, no, it's out. I can't do anything. It's out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're in Los Angeles.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, you know, that's a great question. I loved that writer's room because we had brilliant people in it. We had Matt Zimmon, Craig Gerard, Connor Galvin, Rami Hashash, Jeremy Connor, Greg Tukulescu. And it was this great room where I came in with things that some things were already written. I would go, here's the thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we would talk about it, and some of them would keep a lot of what was there, and some of it would evolve. It was always better after the writers worked together. Sometimes we would discuss one, and somebody would take a stab at it, and then we would all punch it up together. So it was this whole process.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The funny one, because the guy, Jeremy told me this later, he was like, I'm glad you fought for Slept Like a Homo. He goes, because we would have a wall with pins of like our definite yeses. And then another wall had like, we're considering it. And that Slept Like a kept getting moved to considering. And I would take it out and put it on the definite wall.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
know and he'd be like how did it make it back here i go i put it back here we're doing did you direct that one yeah i directed that one i could tell i was like i was like was it you weren't in it yeah and i was like and i was like wait the heat i knew you were directed did you direct a bunch or just that one three i directed that one i directed the grandparents one the the speech the the little kid oh are you serious i directed that one and then i directed uh the one with bobby lee
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Which he's so funny, dude. When you see our bloopers reels coming out soon, looking into his eyes and trying to say that shit seriously, I thought we were going to have to do 30 takes. I was like, I can't do this. Every time I look at him, I just start laughing. I just could not. Just looking at him made me laugh, which is going to make him upset.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There was some improv in that, especially like when we got to the end of the bed and we were talking like, you know, I'm like a sandwich and you're like, so I was doing different versions of that and they were making us laugh every time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
they were they were throwing things like because different ones would visit on different days and whenever they came they would have you know a bunch of ideas and we would try stuff but they're they're the greatest guys i mean i had just i have nothing but good things to say they they always were like throwing out ideas so were jeremy and rami like always just what if we did this you know suggesting new new ways to play it or a different line um but yeah there was there was a good a good bit of improv but i feel like most of it we tried to stick to what we wrote
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is my sense of humor. It totally is. Yeah, I mean, you know, I got a call yesterday because I had screened the first couple, basically the first one for my mom, and she called me yesterday. And she just goes, I watched your whole show. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was gorgeous. That's Nico, Nicholas Wiesnett, the DP of all of them. Man, because I told him, I was like, you know, one of the main things, I was like, I don't like watching comedy that is shot like, hey, this is a comedy. So it's super bright and flat. And you know what I mean? Like the way we kind of... You see sitcoms. I was like, I don't want it to look like that, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and just quiet and i go and what'd you think and she goes absolutely horrendous she goes it's so embarrassing that i have to see my friends and know that they could see this that's what comedy is at its best yeah i guess you are so you are such an open book in this i know right parents my parents started watching it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. She was... She hadn't seen them all, and we were watching some last night because she asked me to show her some more. I don't know which one is her favorite, actually. I really don't know. But she's over the moon about it. She loves it. She was laughing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But then to see the way that he approaches it... 95% of us would be like, yeah, just don't fuck this up. And then be like, did I do that okay? And then they're like, yeah, that's fine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was the best. When he came here, the fact that he was like... Because we asked certain questions about how he prepares. And you see how much he... He's not just a guy that's just like... What are the lines? Let me just phone it in. No, not at all. He really, really cares. And I think that's why he elevates things. That's why he is who he is and then why that commercial is good. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, okay. This is the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As someone who's constantly on the move, flying for interviews, brand deals, and the hot ones empire, you've probably seen every possible version of in-flight madness. What are the air travel pet peeves that drive you absolutely insane? Are we talking bare feet on the bulkhead, people clapping when the plane lands, or something even more heinous?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you'll go, never do this to me again. That'll be the subject line. Never again. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because then you go, how many times has... He's saying that because he's been asked that. I understand where he's coming from. Of course. But he's got to understand your position too, of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's insane to me. We got a great deal for you guys, 35% APR.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you've been, I mean, everybody who knows from watching anything on YouTube, everybody knows Hot Ones. And the trajectory of this thing is incredible. You're like the, that's the prototype. That's the dream for people is they go, I have an idea. I'd like to do this, you know, this bit kind of online and maybe it'll turn into something. And then the A++ example is Hot Ones.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. So as a food guy, because you're somebody we associate with food. Yeah. It is kind of crazy to be in an enclosed space and people just bring all this food, sometimes food from home that opens up and then you're like, what the fuck is that? I got a bag of eggs. And you're like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. Seats, you know? Where's the cutoff for that? You see how long some of these planes have been in operation. Because you fly first on one airline, and you're like, that's nice, right? And then you get on the next one, and there's no screen. Yeah, right. It doesn't lean back, really. And you're like, there's nothing. And they're like, yeah, this thing's been here since, like, 91.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're like, that's a fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's time, dude. You got to take this one out of commission. When I was in New Zealand last year, And I was flying back here. I remember they pulled my bag out of security. And I had the spray deodorant. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy goes, can't have this. And I go, I can't have the deodorant? And he was like, no, it's too big. And I go, I flew with it here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he goes, and where did you fly from? Was it another country? And I go, yeah. He goes, this is another country. And I go, brilliant. He goes, what was that? I go, brilliant. Brilliant.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, what about... This is one I'm curious about. Sure. You've had... I mean, you guys have had huge A-list celebrities on your show. It's pretty wild. How about after-show DMs?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And they said yes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
this is the best story ever. I mean, that's like, it's out of a movie. It feels like a movie. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's got to feel pretty amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's my favorite. Have you had, because I remember there's, um, there's, and I think this is probably a shared experience for a lot of people that go on hot ones. You have this built in anxiety, right? When you're like, Hey, so, you know, you have like a producer can be like, so like, what's this? Uh, what are we, what are we doing here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, you know, you've seen the show and you're like, yeah, but like that, like they're escalating and they're like, yeah, we'll get progressively hotter. And you're like, how fucking hot is this going to be? I'm like, yeah, it's pretty hot. And then in your head, you're like, fuck, man. Like, that's going to be uncomfortable, right? Yeah. And then you go, you're doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you're like, oh, what's the later result of this going to be? Like, how upset, am I going to fucking shit fire? Am I going to have emergency diarrhea? Like, so have you had, like, immediate problems? After taping things where someone's like either notably sick or like they're or they're vocally upset about like, have you had people like really be like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I remember like for me, um, I left there, I was like, oh, and then I was like, oh, it's going to be, thank God there's wet wipes back in the screen room. And then I was like, oh, wasn't that bad? But then, of course, I was like, yeah, digestion takes a while. Yeah. It's later.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wonder how their anus is doing today. Yeah, I do think about that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
um so you were you were raised in chicago have you heard people say it like that no that's literally the first time i've ever heard somebody say that that's so funny to me because i used to like christina used to be like are you going to chicago and i'm like why are you saying that she's like people say that no one says that and then literally one of the times that like a morning she did that i went to lax and i'm walking through the united terminal and a lady is
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
on the mic, and she goes, Flight 2221 to Chicago. And I was like, holy shit. Somebody is fucking dumb enough to say that. So there are people out there that are saying that the wrong way. But I do think, I was just in Chicago last weekend. It was fucking amazing. And I always have a good time when I go. And I gave them credit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, you're incredible sports fans because you have to deal with whatever you get. And you keep dealing with it. But you're a hardcore... White Sox guy, right? Yeah. You're a Southsider. Yeah. So if you were chiseling out Mount Rushmore of White Sox greats. Yep. Okay. Who's making the cut? And is there any universe where Mark Buell doesn't have a spot on there?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is it Burley? It's Burley. These guys literally wrote a pronunciation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, Mark Burley, I got it right this time. Okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Frank Thomas with the fucking T-pills? Yeah, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no. I've told this before, but I've met some Major League Baseball players. I had no idea. They were like, oh, you know that throughout MLB, on all teams, Dominicans shower separately? Interesting. And I was like, no. And they're like, oh, yeah, because they're wild. And they'll do shit like... They're not gay, but they'll come up. It's a free culture.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everybody's doing knockoffs of it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're like, they'll just slap their dicks against like each other. And then we're like, nah. So it's like Dominicans, they do their own thing. And then the rest, they're like, I go, it feels like segregation. They're like, well, it kind of is. They're doing their fucking wild shit because they're so sexually free.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And I've had, that's interesting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I pitched, I told the other guy and they're like, Oh yeah. A hundred percent. Oh wow. Yeah. It's pretty, it's pretty interesting. Yeah. And then you go to the Dominican Republic and you're like, you know, I get it. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow, okay, there you have it. It's official, and hopefully this will get built pretty soon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is crazy, right? Well, first of all, if you have the Bears, which is like... It is crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A thousand percent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
sunlight for how they get out of it you know like there's i'm not even sure what i'm supposed to be looking towards it's so funny because i i tell this to people so because you know there's people who like i don't care about sports and then there's like kind of people who like casually watch some things i'm like here's the thing about it if you're not emotionally invested to some degree
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
then you're not getting the thing out of it that is there. It's like if you go, I don't care whether they win or lose, it's like, well, then you almost shouldn't just, you shouldn't watch, right? Like the whole thing about being a sports fan, I mean, obviously some people take this to an extreme and they're way too invested, but the fun of getting behind a team
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
is that you care enough to be miserable when they're down so that when they are great, the joy is so much greater.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to have the up and down. A lot of these things are... I always watch college football, and it is cyclical. The teams will be great, and you're like, these guys are great, and then they'll have this downtime, and then the team that wasn't doing so well, and it comes back. But it feels like... It usually belongs, it really does belong to like 10 to 12 teams.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The other ones really can't compete because they can't bring in the recruits to that level. In the pros, though, you're like, man, some of these windows where it's not good is like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, 15, 20 years ago, you haven't experienced the highs, really. Except for a couple moments. If you're a Blackhawks fan, you've had some big time. But they don't know what the Bulls thing was like. They just heard about it. They're like, oh, that's cool. And you're like, no, you don't understand. This shit was wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Sad, sad news about my regular co-host. He had an arm amputated. And so while he's recovering, we have the king of ring sting sitting in for him. It's the great Sean Evans, everybody. Hey, thanks so much for having me. Thank you. I hope Bert gets a cool prosthetic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they're cocky. It's not you. You didn't do this. But they're like, fuck you guys. It's my shit. You have nothing to do with this. But they adopt the arrogance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Feels like just on that whole cyclical thing that the bears would have to be due at some point.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But there is a thing about the NFL, too, that you just notice over time. And you go, how can this be? But it is true. There are organizations that understand winning more. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I think that's true. You're like, that's weird. They all have money. But you look at the Steelers, and you're like, yeah, this organization understands going after winning.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're doing it decade after decade.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I'm from Cincinnati, dude. Yes. Yeah, I understand. That the president of operations pays himself $35 million a year. For real. Mike Brown's like, that's my salary. You're like, okay. This is not about winning. This is about you being like, this is pretty cool. This is a fucking... He runs it like it's a hotel and he's like, yeah, it's full. Yeah, right, right. They're not going anywhere.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't realize, too, the genius... of hot ones until after doing it, which is that, like, on its surface, it can appear that, like, oh, this is some gimmick, like eat hot wings, right? But the thing that happens is that when you...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't care. I don't give a shit. So, for this next question, shit in your pants and then sit there and deal with it. Now, just tell me if it affects your answer. Yeah, yeah. You've been known for asking hard-hitting questions and now it's time for the real question. Do you believe...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
in sasquatch are you full of this is all nonsense or do you lean more i do i don't not believe when it comes to them and if we put you out in the pacific northwest with night vision goggles and a gopro do you think you'd make a compelling case one way or the other great great quote i love this parody of me by the way what are you talking about
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, just fucking write some things down for me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As a kid, that was a really exciting one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think those are birds. He's just like, look at him. That's crazy. You fucking shot that? You're like, all right, dude. I don't know. Do you believe in the moon landing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But there was a hesitation there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you think it rotates around the sun and everything?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Well, you guys, as this continues, please prep, get all the Bryce stuff ready for us just so I can show him all three. I just want to show you that there's other voices out there. A lot of people will not realize this, but...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
have something like hot sauce it disrupts your your natural guard yeah so as these questions progress and you're uncomfortable you're speaking in a way that you would not normally speak and that's really the the magic you're like because like you could do with alcohol but then you have like you know it's different right you have your inhibitions are kind of like it's also it's like it's making you
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The Margaret Herrick Library is kind of like the Holy Grail for film nerds and a place where you can find original scripts, production notes, Hollywood history that feels too sacred to be touched. You had the chance to do interviews there leading up to the Oscars. What is the coolest, weirdest, or most unexpected thing you stumbled on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And did you actually end up with like, whoa, this is actually here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's very famous for being like, no, don't type it up. He's like, would you type up a poem or a song? No, you write it by hand. He writes all of his... His scripts are handwritten and then he gives it to somebody to type up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But is it written film style? Like is it script style? Yeah, it looks like a script. So it's like exterior. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cool. You're like, oh, wow, yeah. Usually this is in a note from a buddy, but this is cool. This is Hollywood lore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, yeah. Can anyone access this? Or no?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to ask your opinion on this. This is like, I had mentioned this a couple days ago, and I was like, I want to know if this is me or if this feels genuine, like more true. I feel like, like the Oscars just recently happened. Right. I was like, you know, I just feel like it used to be more of a cultural national event, almost like a Super Bowl of sorts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like, am I sensing something changing legitimately? Or is it that me personally... Am I just more removed and less interested?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, like the Oscars. I was like, I don't know. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's. There's massive movies, and then everything is kind of small. There's not the in-between, really, it feels like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wonder what... Oscar viewership was like this year versus like 1995. Yeah. Right. I wonder if it's dramatically different. Would you look that up? Like what they are those two years?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's going to affect you for a longer period, right? You're going to be drunk eventually. But this is like this temporary thing that throws off your equilibrium and your judgment. All of a sudden, it's like truth serum. It's truth serum is what it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cause I, I do wonder like, is it, is it dramatically different where there's like, cause the other thing is like you, like I hear about and it kind of, I guess it kind of makes sense is that NBA viewership is way down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's like this thing where you sense, without having looked up that number, you just feel like... I don't know. Even though I work in entertainment, people aren't like, oh my God, the Oscars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they used to nominate less people for each category, which I think makes it feel like harder to get in that conversation. So it becomes more exclusive in other words, right? They're like, wasn't it like three nominees for like the big ones? Right, right. And now they're like, oh, there's 10. And you're like, 10?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But they also never celebrated.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The things that we saw Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray do in comedies, like in just straight comedies, you go, that movie doesn't exist without that person in it. It just wouldn't work.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah um all right so we have these things so bryce mitchell ufc fighter comes on the scene you have these going through the speaker for us yeah okay so this is like his episode one of his podcast coming out hot comes out hot
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He gets all the notes, right? He's like, and this is my show. This is episode one. People go absolutely insane, rightfully. Dana White, because he's a UFC fighter, was like, this guy's a fucking moron. He comes out and he's like, he's the dumbest person we've ever had the pleasure of hiring. And he's like, hopefully people will just watch him fight to see someone beat the shit out of him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you're like, I guess this guy's not going to make content anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, he started putting out other opinions, which is why I brought up the fact that he has, you know, other things to say.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
around the earth as in when the earth the inside circle the black circle does one full rotation the red circle or the flight of the helicopter actually has to cover more distance but what i like is that when some you that you see somebody who has multiple cool opinions you know i mean so like the that you're like who the fuck is like i'd like to go fishing with hitler it's the same guy who's like hey man if you take a chopper up in the air you know
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One of the things that is crazy about not wearing a seatbelt is the goddamn ding and like the ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Car tells you, put that motherfucker. So, like, I have been, like, driven by, like, a car service. Right, right. With some psycho fucking, you know, dude who's just up there. And you're like, ding. And you're like, hey, man, are you going to, can we just stop the ding?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you see the guy like, fuck. So it means that guy drives around all day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that doesn't bother you, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some guy drove us on the road a few weeks ago, and we were all looking around like, is this really happening? You know when you have the radio on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you don't find a station and it's just static yeah yeah just that just right we were like don't say anything and we were just like is he deaf I was like hey man he's like yeah like no you can hear and then we just kept driving the whole time like white noise I was like this is what you cruise around with just static in your ear all day I'm fine this is good soothes me to dry
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And this guy, wherever he goes, ding, ding, every 20 seconds. And then he's just sitting there like, wish I was fishing with Hitler right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is a good lane for like WWE artists. like his heel oh yeah if he was like trying to be like make me the villain I'll just open up with Hitler would be cool to hang with and they're like alright everyone's gonna know your name and then he's gonna double and triple down after that but he's got he's got lots of thoughts So many thoughts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The funny thing is, I love when somebody actually has opinions, and then he, in his mind, he has great supporting arguments.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's actually kind of my favorite part about it. When you've done your own research, you know? And you're like, yeah, that's how I came to this. And you're like, yeah, no, that's fucking good, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. It's yeah. That wasn't, it wasn't an accident. There was no, yeah. The best part of all that though, is that other dude who's like, he frowned face. He's like, this is episode one, dude. Frozen in time. Like, you said this was going to be fun when you got me to do this with you. Like, you just dragged me into some shit that I don't want to be a part of now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, I'm going to get so many fucking calls after this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. What about a Chicago pizza question? Sure. Chicago's known for deep dish. It's like the Chicago style pizza. Yet you live most of the time in New York, which is known for a completely different style of pizza. Are you going to be a diplomat or are you going to choose a side?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I don't know this landscape, but is any place that serves pizza in Chicago kind of required to do deep dish? Do they all do it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I wish we had pizza right now, too. That'd be awesome. Pepperoni?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's all these little things. It's all the little things that add up. That are very detailed. I feel like too, like we, you know, I've watched a lot of them and I've obviously, I've been on the show and you're like, you start to appreciate that you kind of leave there and you're like, what the fuck just happened there? How did they know this stuff? What did I just say?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you ever imagine? Here's the thing. Hearing that, I go, oh, he would have been great at that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah yeah i appreciate you're a good presenter and i think you would have been you know information little wink and a smile yeah yeah right and they always have like little quips or jokes you would have developed uh your sense of that and then there'd probably be like a like an ig fan page of like what's sean's bomber jacket like today or whatever right for the weather guy or like i want to fuck the weather guy or something like that you would have you would have had some like super fans some moms at home who were like honey get out the door i'm about to watch the weather
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you actually know a lot about weather, though, too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you liked the presentation aspect of it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
local news people are like, they're beloved there. Exactly. Remember Dallas rains. What's that fucking guy's name? Dallas Rains.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's made for local... Look at that smile, bro. Oh, that is... And they always have, like, a lot of them, you know, like, appearance is obviously a big thing. He's also in the L.A. market, but it's like, you know, the hair, the veneers, the tan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so wild. I think that's him like 40 years ago. In the headshot? Yeah. The signed one. I think that's him. Incredible.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, same with porn. Everybody goes, like, I'm here to act. And then someone's like, hey, what do you think of $300 to show your asshole? And they're like, oh, OK. And they're like, I kind of fell into this. And you're like, yeah, I know. I've watched that porn doc on Netflix. And they have this fucking, it's so fucked up. But they're like, hey, if they're like, what are you getting paid today?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do I have to text them and say, please cut that out? Like all those things. But I feel like also you're so good at interviewing that I think you're next, you know, like at some point you're going to stop doing it. Right. You're our next Charlie Rose. Oh. Yeah. I mean, I remember, I think he was the man and then he like peed on someone. I forget what it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And this girl's like, I don't know. Like, it was like $500. And then the guy's like, and then she goes, but they offered me another $100. for a cream pie, like the finish inside of me. But then she goes, I gotta buy the Plan B pill, which is 40. It was 40 at the time. And she goes, but that's 60 bucks in my pocket. I'm like, yeah, that's not a lot to say come inside of me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To be like, yeah, but you got 60 more dollars. 60 bucks is 60 bucks. But for sure, local weather is like a byproduct of... Failed auditions.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think anything you end up doing with a camera anywhere is like I was trying to act. Yeah. Like anything. Like everybody was like I was trying to act and then I ended up doing this. Ended up doing weather. Yeah. No, I'm just telling you it was fucking breezy today. Yeah. But I do think it's kind of cool. The weather track is kind of cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I also loved, this is like a, I mean, not that it doesn't exist anymore. Is that him? Yeah, look at that. Wow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so funny. That is so funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so awesome. And there's also, that to me speaks to also the audience at home, where there's people dying laughing at that. And then there's people being like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Like, they're totally confused. Why is he talking about a border? Like, Did they really? Like questioning that it's real, you know? Yeah. That's for sure happening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He is the best, dude. That's so fucking funny. I also miss... I have... I guess it's a nostalgia thing. What the national news guys were...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
when I was growing up like it was Peter Jennings Dan Rather Tom Brokaw and like I really missed those guys I loved those guys I loved like their their presentation of it was really prompter just the was like comforting to me classic newsman classic newsman I liked it we still have I guess a little bit yeah but not like that not like that there's also it's like there's something to be said about just old white guys making you feel like everything's okay yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they stopped letting him do the show. Do interviews, yeah. But we need the guy who gives the... really good, in-depth interview.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know? They don't hire them anymore. Poor guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's totally... People don't understand that, like, you want a rogue? Sure, yeah, yeah. Okay. That I've mentioned it that like I remember the the transition from news is just something that's read where they're like, here's what's happening in Somalia today. And you're like, OK, to it was what I remember specifically is CNN saying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The first time I was like, I remember going through it, and it was Anderson Cooper, but he's like ageless or something, so it might have been 50 years ago. But it was Anderson Cooper. And then he said something that was happening, and he was like... He commented on it, and I was like, what the fuck? Is this weird? And he was like, yeah, it's not. I personally think that's a bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, why is he fucking doing this? Right, right. But then you realize that he was doing it because he wasn't the only one doing it, but it was slowly happening. Fox was starting to do it where it was like, and like, oh, this is the person who's gonna say what I want them to say. And then that'll make me feel good because they're sharing the opinion.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But those guys were just like, here's the thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a real compliment. Yeah. Shout out to Charlie Rose. I'm still a fan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And what happened, too, was that when Fox did it, They were doing it first where they were like, they're going to look this way, they're going to take this angle, and their numbers went through the roof. Right. And so everybody else was like, uh, we got to do the opposite, like do something to get the other people because they're killing us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Or is that just dead? I don't know. I keep saying this about things, that everything seems cyclical. But it feels like... It feels like in my lifetime, nothing's ever been more split, where people are just so adamantly against the others. And what they need is someone to go like, hey. How about I'll just tell you what's happening? And they're like, yeah, fucking tell me what's happening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that person, it feels like there would be a market for them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But then I go, oh, I thought that already, wasn't PBS doing that? And then, I don't know, when I said that last time, somebody was like, no, fucking PBS is not doing that. And I was like, oh, okay, sorry. Everybody gets upset about, It's so funny because if you say something that certain groups agree with, immediately you're bombarded with like, you fucking get it, smart guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, oh, okay. And then the second you say the thing that they don't, it's just vitriol. It's just so much hatred of like, fucking idiot. And you're like, okay, fine. So, I mean, I guess that shows you just can't look for validation in comments. No, that's a bad idea. It's a bad idea. Just in general. But it is like, it's still, I feel like the split could not be wider and stronger.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And just, yeah, always growing more intense. Right? And I don't know if it's like an old guy thing, but it doesn't, to my memory, I don't feel like it was like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And it's all because of... 9-11? I don't know what it's from. I don't know. That was a bad day. It didn't really happen. It was a controlled demolition. I don't know. Somebody's real happy I said that, though. They're like, fucking, he finally gets it. Finally, he said it. Yeah, he gets it. Oh, really? Do buildings just fall like that? Really? Yeah. It's George Bush and his friends.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They went in there the night before and they set dynamite inside and just fucking fell. The signs were there all along. They were always there. The planes are just a little thing on the side just to get you distracted. Anyway, we're going to make the news on this one. We hit a lot of cool topics.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's really going to help. It's going to help sauce sales for sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Always a pleasure, dawg. In your defense, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all our side.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I've heard from other people before, you have to say something in the moment. Otherwise, people get mad at you for not having said it. So this might be a good soundbite for you to be like, I just want to say some of the things you've shown me or said. You know what I mean? Yeah, like in a sanctimonious way? Well, yeah, just so that people go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because the big criticism will be that things were played for you and things were said, and you didn't speak up in the moment. You should have spoken up in the moment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is actually a really good soundbite, is that don't trust Tom. Don't trust Tom. I love that I did your show and that I got to be friends with you. I couldn't be happier for your success. Thank you, Doug. I do think you are, I've said it before, I think you are the best interviewer on the planet doing this today. You really are the Charlie Rose without peeing on a... or whatever he did. And...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And what do you advise for interview? Like if somebody was like, how do you give a good interview? Like, what's your take on it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I really do think you're the best. I think you're the best. I'm happy for you. I know you're extremely wealthy now, and I expect incredible holiday gifts when that season comes. I would also like to visit your estate when you're done acquiring it. You're invited. Always. Always.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where would you reside if you were picking your, like, this is where I want? Would it be anywhere? Would you stay anywhere?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you want out of the big city in a more peaceful setting?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where do you want to die? I never hear people say, where would you like to die?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But how long has it been now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That place is rad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right. That's a great answer. So I've thought about it a little bit. So you can now take your newfound extraordinary wealth and buy a house in Malibu. Yeah, right. So you know where to find them. Buy the dip. Buy the dip, yeah. Fucking, dude. Malibu is, even with all of its chaos, you get used to hearing about, obviously fires is a big thing. Yeah, right. Mudslides and everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's still, there's nothing. It's the best, yeah. It's the best. Malibu's the best. Malibu Beach Inn, you got a free plug. There you go. Give us a couple free nights.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's better than fried chicken, too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, can we get some fried chicken tonight? Let's go. Hell yeah. Let's do fried chicken, dude. Fried chicken is the shit. It's so good for you, and it's so good to eat. What do you watch? That's the other thing I want to know. Because you have a good taste. What are you watching? Are you watching any shows or movies right now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You did watch every one?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What was your, did you love one the most?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Never seen it, everybody. It's one of those things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I feel like I'm such an idiot. Whatever's the hottest show, if I didn't already start it, I always go, I'll watch it later.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I started it fucking 2023. Hell yeah, you and me both, dog. I watched a season and a half, though. I get too distracted. I think it's, I have a little, a lot of characters, a lot of different spots. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite was that breaking bad was like a cultural phenomenon. And I kept being like, Oh fuck off, you know? And then, uh, you're like, this is the best show ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, here's the thing. I started the show as the last season was beginning to air, whatever year that was like 2015 or something. So I started, I all watch this show. So I got to watch the entire series, uh, in like two weeks of like, this is the fucking best thing I've ever seen. So I always remind myself that, what was it, 13? So it was 13, it was even earlier.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was, yeah, that ride of being able to go through it without having to wait was incredible. Yeah, it was incredible. But I do keep hearing that Severance is amazing. It is. It's really good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, well, guys, make a note that in 2029, I will watch Severance. Please, don't let me forget. Thank you, Sean. You're the best, dude. You're the best. Thank you for doing this. I'm sorry if I did something that will affect your brand in some way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i wouldn't have it any other way yes i'll go down with you that we you have lots of uh studio space here you know i could always pop up a show here anytime okay yeah we will we will make you know what we'll get rid of people for you i would love to tell somebody that they lost their job today because you're here and i'd love to break the news with you oh dude also that would be the best ig real tiktok video ever of like hey sit down
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And actually stand up, because you've got to get the fuck out of here. Sean's here now. All right. Thanks, guys. We'll see you next time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the... When you're doing press, they're always like, hey, you want to do an interview with this college kid? And you're like, sure. And then the college kid is like... What made you like comedy? I watched it. Right. Like, when did you start? And then I have four more. And you're like, OK. Yeah. And it's like they're filling their quota. Exactly. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Your whole thing is essentially don't be lazy. Yeah, and that's hard to do sometimes. It's effort. You have to put effort. You guys put time and effort into it. I think it's obvious. When you do the show and when you watch the show, you're like, oh, they didn't just go, tell us about your movie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It's going to add a whole new dynamic to his live show. Thanks for being here. You're in town because South by Southwest. Are you going to speak?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's clear that you guys do a better job. It's so funny because it's non-traditional media, and then you go, this is, you know, it's online, versus like an ABC show or something, and you're like, yeah, but you guys did a way better interview. Like you guys did a way better interview.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And seriously, where he hit because because of the lead up to selling it or no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sean, as a fellow bomber jacket enthusiast, how do you go about picking your outfits for the episodes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We both have beautiful bald heads. And yeah, actually. Or shaved. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Looks good. But you do put thought into it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you have the same problem as me, too, where like... The other day, I got clothes shipped to the house, and I showed my wife. I was like, hey, what do you think of this? And she was looking down, and she goes, it's going to be the same thing you always get. I go, what? She goes, you buy the same shit over and over. And I was like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and then you're like, I have 40 of the same t-shirt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every time I arrive somewhere and they go, this is your calendar, my objective is I go, how can we reduce this? That's what I lead with. How can we do less instead of what you've proposed?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's my hot ones pitch that we're going to do here, okay? Okay. Okay, take your thumb up. and you rub it along the crease of your scrotum, and you take a whiff, and then I'll ask you a question, and we'll see if it disorients you. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. So... Now, Sean, a Super Bowl commercial is a big deal in and of itself. But when you add Matthew McConaughey to the mix, it goes from a cool gig to life event. When you got the call to shoot with him, what was your immediate reaction?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100% excuse.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's crazy, because I've been to those sushi places, and I'm like, you can't get any better than this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ, that's crazy. And then it's on an airplane. It's flown. Yeah, I was like, maybe this stuff's just better because it's not being thrown around in boxes. Everyone's handling it like every tomato's handled very delicately.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's that documentary, Jiro Dreams of Sushi. It's very similar. That was really cool to watch. My problem was like, why can't we get into making omelets and stuff? What's in our brains that doesn't allow us to make a salad and just be totally into it and take pride in it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to, I want to try to figure out what that is. I'm not saying all of them. True. I don't want to start a stereotype, but yeah, it is, it is kind of like, it's like, that would be nice to get into that. Just like start just taking pride in stuff you're doing. Cause I haven't, I like try to make a cheese plate. I, we like people at our house recently started chopping up some cheese.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, I'm gonna make a nice cheese plate. I got like, Within two minutes, I was like, fuck this. I put a knife in the block of cheese and crackers, and I was like, I'm not doing this. Giving up. I gave up right away. Although, you know what I have been doing? I've been skateboarding lately. You've been skateboarding? Yeah, and not like anything crazy. Did you skateboard in your youth?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I was little, yeah. When I was younger, I did. But I underestimated or overestimated how much of my skills I would have retained. Dude, it was wobbly. I just started, like, three weeks ago.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Probably, like, seventh. It would have been, like, seventh, eighth, ninth grade. And then done? Done, yeah. Oh, okay. But every now and again, I would still pop on a skateboard here and there. But I went to a skate park, like, I'll be all right. It's really hard, but I have this little... It's called a pump track. You know what that is?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I've just been doing that, and it's like... I had my Apple Watch on. I don't wear my Apple Watch anymore because my wearables have let me down. Apparently, I'm pre-diabetic. I didn't know that. Dude, they're telling me my biological age is like seven years younger. Really? Or whatever it is. Yeah, they're like, dude, you're like physically, you're like a fucking 29-year-old.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, sweet. I went to the doctor. Like, dude, you're pre-diabetic. What are you doing? I was like, fuck. Really? Yeah. Wait, is your sugar consumption really high? I didn't think it was that bad, but apparently I was eating a ton of rice. I don't eat gluten, so I was eating white rice, potatoes, so I would eat mountains of that. Mountains of it is different than having some.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I need to go to Japan. I need someone to show me how to eat. My dad has type 2, so it's pretty much his fault. I think I got an epigenetic transfer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I will. He won't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
he will he just takes he did actually i i shouldn't i shouldn't put smut on his name he still does eat like a giant bowl of ice cream every sunday okay not the best but he does he'll take like the medicine for it the pill and he has cut down a lot on a lot of stuff yeah because i know a couple guys that have been type 2 diabetic reversed it and reversed it yeah that's my plan i want to reverse changes i want to reverse my pre-diabetes
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I thought I was pretty healthy. You look healthy. That's what I thought, man. But I guess, I don't know, because I was like, I did eat a pancake the day of the blood test. They're like, dude, that has nothing to do with it. I was like, fuck. Oh, wait, on the day of the test? I didn't know you're supposed to fast. I forgot I had the test. But that gave you a crazy glucose spike for sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought so, but they were like, no, this A1C studies your hemoglobin. Apparently your blood cells last for three months in your body, and then they die and new ones come. So I guess they somehow can tell the age of each blood cell and see how much glucose is attached to each blood cell. The A1C is like a measure of how much glucose is covering all of your blood cells. Huh. They just get sugar.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They get, they get like, they turn into like Sour Patch Kids inside your body. Yeah. They get sugary. Yeah. And they just really like, yeah, your blood cells are covered in sugar. So that's my understanding of it. I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I went like, my wife's pissed. I'm like going like full psycho now. It's just like, I don't, I haven't eaten carbs in like a week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
cool barely any barely any that's good so now she'll make stuff everything she makes me i'm like what are you trying to fucking kill me do you can you still eat meat though do you like yeah i eat a ton of meat i just eat meat and veggies i think you're gonna be fine yeah skateboard meat and veggies yeah but the pump track that is my only zen like moment now where i just like when you're like do you wear protective gear at all none yeah no i can't i can't do it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I still have like that seventh grader mentality. Just because you're like, that's gay. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Helmets. Someone asked me, you wear a helmet, right? And I was like, I am sorry, I can't. I'd rather die. I'd rather hit my head and die than be seen wearing a helmet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he needs one. He's, look, he's doing fucking like loops and shit. I'm just doing the pump track. Okay. I'm just doing the pump track. He, you know, and again, if he wants to, you know, dress like that, that's his business. Dress like that. Dress like that. It's an outfit. He's doing like 40 foot. Look, some guys are willing to.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He doesn't love skateboarding as much as I do. That's the problem. That's the problem. He's out here, you know, he's having.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's fucking around. Yeah, he is. He's pussyfooting around. Yeah. Okay. No, that makes sense. No, I've, I saw his documentary. Did you watch that? I did not see it, no. He has gotten... I didn't know he got that fucked up. He's gotten like 90 concussions.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, you look like a totally different guy. I know. You know, did I? What the fuck? I didn't tell you that. You look like the guy who shot the United Healthcare CEO. Are you sure you didn't do it? That was last week. We could have got our guy. Dude. It is kind of similar. Did you inscribe... You know we inscribed the bullets. Yeah, deny. Yeah. And delay. Yeah, and depose or something.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I've also heard compulsive gambling is more about the flow state. It's like the winning and losing almost becomes irrelevant. You just like being in that kind of like, Eric, everything just falls away. You're just on the table and it's just like you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down. It kind of keeps you in this like almost like flow state.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So he'll win. He wants to win.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Damn, that's kind of bullshit. That's kind of bullshit how they do that, if you actually play.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's kind of weird. Well, you know what? A lot of people use casinos as, like, money laundering centers. So maybe they figure, like, we can kind of scare some of those guys and keep their money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is it really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some people do it. You get like hippies. Well, they get like some like evil hippies in there like selling ketamine. They'll take like five grand because they have to mail it. If you have a bunch of small bills, you want to turn it into a big bill so you can mail it easier. So they'll take it in, like play a little bit and cash out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So maybe they can think like, oh, we'll scare these guys and keep their money. That's what they would do. They would take like five grand of small bills, change it to big bills and be like, all right, we're out of here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So if you started pressure, I'm like, let me see your, let me see your tax return, man. You'd be like, yeah, just freak you out a little bit. Yeah. That's bullshit though, man. That would piss me off. It's really annoying. You don't do it. You don't gamble at all. I used to here and there. I didn't gamble. I did it my first time in Vegas when I was 21, and I just won blackjack. I won at craps.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I won $600 in craps. It's exciting. It's very exciting, but when I lose, I get filled with such a disgusting, bitter feeling that I don't like doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the only way... For me, it was fun to gamble back when I was 21 because I literally had zero... I had no money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then so like... Everything's a rush. That $500 was all... That was like my whole fucking week of work. So I was like, oh, fuck. Now it's like, dude, the idea of giving a sizable enough portion to be financially... That's the only thing that makes it exciting, if it can wipe you out or do you serious damage. Yeah. Because if it like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I used to play, when I lived, it was me, Shane, and it was me and a bunch of our friends. We're all like comics. none of us had like any, no one had any money at all, but I was like selling a little bit of weed. So I had more than them. So we would do poker and they'd be like $5 buy-ins. And I'd be like, this sucks. Cause I was like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you that... What the fuck, dude? I think you killed that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It needs to be enough to get your, like your hair standing up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, but then it's like, I'm not, if I lose that, I'd fucking freak out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was depressed. Well, you know what it is is like when you win at gambling, it, the feeling is that like the universe is like, I like you. Yeah. And you're like, fuck, I knew you liked me. Yeah. I'm a good guy. Yeah, when you lose, it's like, yeah, the universe fucking hates you. Yeah, that's true. And you're like, fuck. Yeah. There is like a magic element to gambling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's what kind of attracts people to it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, that's what happened to me. I won the first two times. I win, like, $400, and I'd just be, like, to the moon. Like, holy fuck. And I would, like, cash out, buy everybody stuff around me. Like, I fucking did it. Yeah. So then when I went again, like, a year or two later, I was like, guys...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
check i know exactly how to do this and i just got wiped out like instantly yeah like the next three times just lost so fast try to cash back in lose again i was like i'm not doing fuck i hate this yeah i get that feeling i always think about just like a casino owner just like my money just being like filtered onto like a gray truck just amongst stacks of cash and just trucked away and he's like thanks yeah he's just like oh cool fuck i paid my cell phone bill yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I don't like it, man. I know a lot of people love to gamble.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I also had a pretty risky kind of gambly life for a long time. Really? Yeah, I've gotten my thrills out for the most part. How was your life risky and gambly? I used to just sell drugs. People would go to the casino and I was like, dude, I do this every day. I could be devastated every day. What kind of drugs were you selling? Just weed. Yeah, mostly weed. And then I tried to sell coke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wasn't cut out for that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, true.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You play Xbox for like an hour, and then you just make $1,000, and you're like, yes. Yeah. But it was risky. How was the coke stuff? Terrible. I didn't do it. That was the thing. So I didn't do it. I didn't I just I didn't like what it like did to people. I was I was like 19. So I didn't really know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that was like when I was like that was like genuinely scary because like weed is like people are mostly cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Um, except to a certain point, if you get up high enough, you know, when the money gets high enough, it'll be like, you deal with like real actual criminal. You were talking about home invasions. It's like, dude, there's guys that'll do that. And it's like, it's so fucking scary. And they're so scary too. You got into that level. I've gotten my, I was in a house. I got invaded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was never a home invasion kind of guy, but yeah, I got up to like, I would get like 35 pounds. Like that was, you'd buy 35. Yeah. I would get in front of it, but I would like, I would be, I would commanded 35 pounds. That's a lot, bro. I know. Scary. That's what I'm saying. I got my like, but when that, how would that 35 get to you? Uh, it would get dropped off at somebody else's house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we have like a storage unit and we would just like go down that we get to like pick between the strains. Like I want four blue dreams, six, six hour diesel.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it was me and one other guy you and one other guy so we would get like 70 dropped off and we get to split them and what was your selling like like what were you how much were you selling at a time you know yeah it was mostly like two my big people were like two to three sometimes people take five pounds that was like my most i would give people like five at a time so they were dealers too yeah okay i would find people and then be like i think you get and you kind of like slowly front them and get them a little bit more than you eventually are like i'll give you like two pounds it's like just you'll be fine
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You were just ringing the alarm bell? I was just like... It's like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you just start dropping it off and collect your money. So that's real money though, right? Yeah, I was chilling for a while in my early 20s. I was having a good time. But yeah, you get robbed. If you think of it like your employees, it's like the most unreliable. People are getting DUIs. It's like people couldn't just chill.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They'd be like, I got hammered and I started running around selling. It's like, why did you do that? Then they get in trouble. People get addicted to drugs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Not really. I got robbed at gunpoint a bunch of times, and I was just like... I should say I got robbed at gunpoint twice, but I guess that's not a bunch of times.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was like someone I knew would set up with somebody who would then be like, my friend's going to come, and then someone that person knew would just be like, I'm... I'm going to set this up like a robbery because everyone got bad on pills.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you get people who get bad on like pills who then would be buying like heroin who now they're introducing like heroin guys to being like, hey, I owe you money. But I know this one guy who could like, you know, who's like, I can help you rob him. And they'd be like, yeah, let me do that. And when you got robbed, was it for the weed or for the cash? For both. For both. Yeah, they got me for both.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They got me for both. Yeah, the postal, also, like, we would mail it a lot. So, like, we had the postal police take, like, I mailed, like, 35 grand, and they just were like, yeah, that's ours. Fuck. I was like, fuck. Those are huge losses, though, right? I know. I've been wiped out financially. Again, I'm like 25, 26 with like 40 grand. I'm like, this is crazy. And just go to zero.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you, though?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've done it like two or three times. Damn. Yeah. And were you mailing cash because you owed it to... Well, you would mail it to... You could buy it once it got here, but as soon as a pound of weed comes from California... It's the driver itself. That's like 400 per pound they're tacking on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then it's going to go to a person who's going to attack three, probably three to four or whatever on each one. But if you can get it directly from California, you can skip all that, but they got to mail it to you. So you open yourself up to the risk of catching a package in the mail. Yeah. And then you got to like, you know, hopefully it's not being followed or whatever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, through my friend. I would give it to my friend, and he would mail it to California. So you got zero after this. I was wiped out. Oddly, it becomes kind of a peaceful feeling, though, to get totally wiped out. After the third time, I perversely kind of liked it. You're like, oh, here we go. So I would just go back to painting houses and be like, damn it, right back to the salt mine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would just paint houses and kind of do stand-up and work my way back up. Jesus, man. Yeah, but eventually it just became ridiculous. I was like, I'd have to stop. It wasn't really the kids were the big thing. Once I had kids, I was like, I can't, this is ridiculous. If I go to jail, that'd be so sad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
driving around like this it becomes so normal you forget the first like month i remember like my i think i've fried my nervous system but the first couple months you're like legs are shaking anytime a cop's around you you have like an ounce of weed you're like oh yeah then you get like you just forget it's even illegal you just i would just drive around like it was like a normal job yeah you're like then if a cop does pull up behind you you're like it's just like ice water your veins just sort of like yeah and that that's really bad for you and also it's like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it's one of those things. It's like, it's genuinely when people say it's bad, I was always like, it's weed. Like who cares? But when you're, when you're doing that, you're essentially, you have to lie to everybody you talk to, which is not good. It's not good. And it like, it's a, you be literally become like a liar. Like you have to lie. It's, it's nonstop kind of games and manipulation. Um,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and it's like like your relationships excuse them because then you're like i don't really want to tell this person i'm with exactly what i'm doing and it's like because if it goes south they can kind of fuck who did your closest friends know some yeah people knew kind of but i always would kind of like i wouldn't really ever tell people the scale for the most part except for a couple people the scale is alarming scale was kind of alarming when you said 35 i was like what the fuck bro
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, no, just be in, like, a storage unit, and then, like, or, like, I'd bring it to my house, and then it's, like, every time you leave your house, you're just, like, somebody's definitely going and taking that from me. So, like, it's just constant anxiety. Yeah. It's not worth it. It's, like, just go get a job. It's, like, boredom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's either you're bored or you're going to be, like, hair-raisingly anxious, and it's, like, being bored's better. You can always just, like, join CrossFit and do jiu-jitsu or something. Yeah, work it out another way. Yeah, just gamble or, you know, you don't have to risk your freedom, but... Fuck, man. It was cool. I kind of did that from like 18 to embarrassingly not that long ago.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And now you're a successful comedian. Yeah, thank God, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now you can walk around and go, man, can you believe I got this clean money? Yeah, true. Thank God I got robbed so much that for real, I could just show the IRS like, bro, I'm telling you, man, there's nothing there. Got robbed. Taking up with that other guy. But it is crazy because then people rob you and then you learn later, like, karma really is, like, it gets people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, yeah, I would just learn about people who rob me and, like, bad stuff happens to people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jail. You feel kind of bad, though, not going... Usually there's the big redemptive arc where you're like, and then I got arrested. And it's like, when you're like, nah, I just... Kind of worked out. Now I sell tickets on the road. People don't like hearing that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the truth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Although I do have that perverse side of me again that like, I have the jail fantasy. You're like, how would I have done in jail?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think all right. I don't know. Again, it's one of those easy things to say.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was literally I was just reading about the fact that like people are celebrating the fact that this guy just got shot in his front door.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. It's got to be kind of fun, but I do think it is pretty depressing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My friend was there a bunch of times, and he... He was like, yeah, you know, there's parts of it that were fun, but he's like, mostly it was horrible and I'm never going back there. I don't think anyone wants to go back. The food, man. That's the one thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'd have to probably go for like... Maybe the Jew, I don't know, Jewish diet or Muslim diet. They like, that's like, they're like the coveted diets you can get there. Really? So I have to convert. Yeah. I have to convert to probably.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to pass a test. If you want the diet in jail, you have to like exhibit knowledge of the diet. You have to like, it's like a citizenship test.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it's five times a day here pal you're allowed to switch it every like couple years I think it's like it's a big deal like if you can kind of get that like special diet like well well well if it isn't the old Christian Muslim Jew but yeah I'm really I'm actually I'm very happy it sounds it sounds really miserable man it's like Yeah. You seem well-adjusted, man. Well, I did a lot of reading.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't have time to read, so I kind of got to read a lot, and I got to really kind of reflect. And I also was never violent. That was my big thing. I wasn't really violent. I had one time that I really spazzed. But for the most part, I would just kind of live and let live. Did you carry a gun?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
no briefly I had a gun in my house but that gun scared me I'd look at it and be like I'd be all high looking at a gun I'd be like oh fuck dude yeah but so no I know and that thing too if you got caught with drugs and a gun it was automatic jail yeah so that's why I was like I'd rather just lose the money than have a gun like I'm not gonna fucking shoot somebody yeah I'm no hero I'm not like you know not like that guy
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, do you really think I shouldn't ever shave again? I think it was kind of cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So jealous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He doesn't recognize. That's nuts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's his problem, man. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, God damn. Because the voice would be so familiar. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's like when old senators die and they're like, fuck you, go to hell, you piece of shit. And you're like, all right, that's a little much. This guy, yeah, that does suck, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
True, young as hell. I get it like a goatee. My hair is gray and shit. My goatee is just really gray. Really gray. I look aged, yeah. When I grow my goatee out, I look old as hell.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I get that a lot too now. I guess Austin, man. Dude, my hair and facial hair grows in. I look like I'm 50 years old. People are like, dude, you look old as shit. It ages you up. People have been telling me a lot. Like, dude, I'll get off the stage and say hi to people after shows, and they're like, oh, dude, in the lights, you look like you were like 55. You look terrible. I'm like, thanks, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Isn't that cool? Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't do that. I saw her. I can't grow a mustache. She just went like this. When I was little, my cousin, we were having, like, a battle with a kayak paddle. It was, like, a split-and-half kayak paddle. So they had, like, sharper edges, and we were, like, sword fighting in a pool. And he, like, accidentally slashed my lip open and, like, literally filleted my lip so I came like that. Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I had to go to the hospital. I was, like, maybe eight years old, and the doctor was like, you know you'll never be able to grow a mustache. And I just cried. That's a cool thing to tell an eight-year-old. I was so fucked up with him. I could have found out later. I didn't need to know that at eight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was like, you know you'll never be able to grow a mustache, right? Because I do have a big gap right here because of where it got... And he was like, he hit me with that information and I just...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was so fucked up. I don't know why he had to tell me that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's crazy. I'm already in shock. Like, my face is cut open. I have, like, my lip. And then everyone thinks I had a cleft palate now. Yeah. Because I have a scar right here. Like, oh, you had a cleft palate? I'm like, no. God, it hit me in the face with a kayak paddle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Because that was a rough one, man. Yeah. You come out and it's like, you got that snarl.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, we're going to hold you back forever. You're lucky they kept you. Yeah, you don't see it anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. We had kids, and our first kid had like a cone head when they came out. Because she got into the birth canal, but she had the umbilical cord around her neck. Oh, my God. So she just got her head for real. It was like a pyramid when she came out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Although the thing is, well, I have two questions. The first is an observation. It's like if you get... Like, if your, like, mother just dies of cancer and, like, you kept getting, like, your paperwork blocked, it's like, I get that would fill you with a murderous rage. Yeah. But, yeah, you're not allowed to go and shoot the guy. Well, yeah. It's cancer rules. It's cancer law.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That'd be awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not a bad idea.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They won't remember it. Also, this kid's kind of fat. Let's thin him out a little bit. This kid's dick's kind of small. Let's give him a penis enlargement.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My fear of having a son was that the nurses were going to peep my newborn son's setup and then do some sort of math to be able to scope my flaccid setup out and be like... You know what I mean? There has to be some sort of scale. They see so many brand new penises every year that they must be able to, from the son, look at the father and be like... Because I've also had...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mom's side. There's a small dick on the mom's side blocking the genes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It'd be crazy to inherit a big dick from your mom's side.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That'd be kind of nuts. I think that does something to a man. Especially if the dad clocks it real early. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, he's like, the fuck? I have a friend who was adopted, and he's got a massive hog. Really? And his younger brother... What kind of dimensions are we talking? Fat, dude. Really? Yeah, absolutely fat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Parking... He said it's shaped like a parking cone, but the... His little brother one day came in in front of the dad and was like, why is his bigger than dad's? And it was like, I was like, bro, he must have felt that. You feel that for sure. I would have been like, I would have banished him. Yeah. I would have put him in a basket down the Nile and been like, the fuck out of here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Get out of here. Put your fucking nine-year-old ass out of here. Yeah, that's rugged. But here's the thing, you'd have to be... Or are you proud? You're like... But you can instill small dick energy in a big dick energy guy, which would be kind of nice. That would be kind of unstoppable. Just tell him all the time, like, bro, if I had your dick, here's what I would do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is the civilized society. Yeah, true.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You could just pump your son up. We're going to give you a small dick work ethic. You're going to be completely unstoppable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Although you kind of want big dick guys lazy. You don't want big dick guys too active.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, here's the thing. If they let 10,000 just of loved ones slowly die in a bed, that's the argument. Of course. Is it worse to quietly, if you turn people into paperwork and let them die?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Probably. I'm kidding. It's terrible. That's one of those things that the stories you hear.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I mean, that must be. Do you think there was some element of him or some part of him that was kind of like prideful?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, it's not about pleasure at this point. It's just about like just telling the pussy up. I don't know, man. I got this big old dick. That's what happens, man. It's tough to love me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't need it that big. It's kind of a curse. Yeah. But I don't agree.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have talked to guys who have felt used, who have been like, dude, I feel like women just use me for my penis. They want to actually have a relationship with me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
hmm i'm like oh that sucks dude yeah you can't watch a lifetime that's what you're fucking worried about you're bummed out about you can't watch the real housewives do that sucks they're just using you for your perfect dick yeah i'm like dude i don't want to hear that shit fucking i had a guy one time in an office like third day we shared like an office room and he was like yeah i got a nine inch day he just like just throws it out there threw it out to me and i was like oh cool man that's what's up he just threw it out to me and it just changed our relationship forever was it good
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
His dick you're talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was all right. It was okay. But then he just like threw... It was like he didn't even have a chance to like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like to set he just threw that right into the mix that's such a weird why are you trying to do why are you doing that to me right now he just wanted you to go like I guess you'll you'll run things around here I think so I think he was trying to establish pecking order he's like you'll be my little dick minion and I'm gonna have you have you do my bidding so just so you know when I say something it goes yeah true I'm in charge I have the nine that's a crazy way to do it I think he was maybe telling a story he's like threw it in as a detail and I was just kind of like all right dude that's that's what's up
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And so you can live in that. But then here's the thing. If he wasn't responsible for all those deaths, he wouldn't be the CEO. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But, yeah, although I kind of did... I didn't... I never... I would just leave all the time. You should have just turned and busted out a ruler and be like, prove it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know why people lie up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was claiming... Yeah, it's... I don't know. That's what he claimed. He threw it in the mix and it was just like... What was his physical description? He just was like a... about the same height as me, but he did have, like, slightly Cro-Magnon face that led me to believe, like, you might have a giant, you know, I had a big dick face. It was just, like, deep fucking eye sockets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just like a dimension, like a hand turkey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and i would be on the bus shivering with fear i had like four pubes i was like dude please don't look at my tiny unpubed penis and they were like it never got to me finally but they did make a couple boys show them their penises then we like eighth graders checking our pubes they'd be like you got pubes like you have to like pull your thing down like look at my pubes yeah dude that's so many fucking pubes dude dude these three dominican girls one time got me to show them my dick
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had a shaved face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So-
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, Jesus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I fluffed for the dermatologist one time. Yeah. Dude, I had, like, a hard, I don't know what, I think it was, like, eczema. But I thought it was, like, some other type of rash. So I had to go to the dermatologist. And, like, it just so happened to be there was this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like really like there's this dermatologist in philly who's just like it's it's kind of ridiculous like my friend she is yeah it's like it's it's kind of unreal and my friend was like actually doing like medical sales and he was he knew exactly who i was talking about so she was like all right i gotta see it like i knew it was coming so i just kind of was in the waiting room trying to like like quietly kind of fluff myself up let's go on like instagram and try to find like ladies shaking their like anything yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And as soon as I got in front of her, it was just like, just shriveled right out. It was like a shriveled, like red, dried out penis.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is nothing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is crazy for them to see that many dicks. That's got to kind of wipe you out. Yeah. You got to look at them all day. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because then you'd know exactly where you're standing. At least guys have like that air of mystery in their head where they can kind of be like, eh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck, I might be a suspect right now, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, man. I always wonder about this, too, especially women. Women have that anthology in their head. Dicks. Yeah, they know, man. There's always that one Charizard they've seen. They're like, oh, my God. And it's like, does it mean as much to them as it means to us? And I genuinely don't think it does. I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you reminded every time if like, say you're with like, like a boyfriend, every time you look at his penis, does it like trigger a flashback of like the biggest one you've ever seen?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's my fear.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank God girls brains are set up the way they're set up. That's awesome. Really? That wipes it out. So it does matter to bring home flowers. I'm erasing the memory of the biggest dick a woman's ever seen. Absolutely. Every time you say I love you, she forgets his dick a little more.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's like, you know, I don't really remember. Those pants look great on you. It's just like, just a little bit shrinks. I thought you said it was an eight and six. She's like, no, it's like seven. Wasn't even that fat come to think of it. Oh, really? Yeah. We're going on vacation. I'm going to shrink this thing down. Shrink it down, dude. That's good. That's actually, I'm happy to hear that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you're actually showing me your penis. Nice. That's pretty good, right? That's fucking great. I had my regular dick queued up. Oh, wow. Some of my butthole in there somehow too. Spread eagle shot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're fresh right now because I've, he's filming. So he's been, we've done only a couple.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We miss, I miss him so dearly right now. Yeah. What I do is I try to. Is he still filming right now? Yeah, I think they should be wrapped up next week, I think. But what I try to do is I read constantly, and I read subject matter that I know bothers him immensely. And I bring it up, and it's so fun every week to just expose him to esoteric, kind of weird spiritual stuff. And he hates it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He has no time for it. That's great. So that kind of makes me laugh every time to watch it. And he likes to dismantle all the ideas.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But yeah, it's fun. It's also the thrill of like, we don't prepare anything. So every week comes and it's like, can we summon an hour of something out of the ether? Yeah. It makes it kind of fun to be like, especially when it's not working, we're both looking at each other like, fuck. Yeah. What do you do then? We just repeat stories we've told before. Yeah. That's all we do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My guy just has a drink.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And inscribe the bullets. I just learned that moments ago. I didn't know he inscribed them. Yeah, yeah. Kind of a drama... It's a drama queen move. It's a total drama... And it's a message, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Although, this is the worst part, is this is the only thing that can possibly make them kind of be a little more lenient with their policies.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Anywhere. So many places. Go to my computer and access the files themselves.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's why they put you in Guantanamo Bay for it. It works very well. It works, yeah. It's very effective. Some guy wrote a book claiming that all throughout history, the only time there's been meaningful wealth transfers have been after disasters, like huge wars, natural disasters, or kind of coups. So he's like, yeah, I mean, it's a shame. It still is bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like you're going down, you know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, true. That didn't really do anything. And also, the government's too big and it's too nebulous of a target, but hitting a health care... That's like, you know, if you blew up a meter maid, people would be like, well, I don't want to get tickets. I know. So, yeah, he had – a guy had like a – And the city would be like, all right, these tickets are a little aggressive. True.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, we'll give you 14 days before you double it. We're sorry about that. Austin's pretty good about the tickets. Philly's like ruthless. Yeah. They give you – I think they give you like – I forget what it was. It was like 10 days, and then they double it. And if you have more than two outstanding tickets, you're automatically on the boot list. And they come take your car. Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've gotten – I had two of my cars taken from – Boston's like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, big Patreon guys. So... You're business savvies? I think so. I think we're pretty savvy. I think you are too. That's what I always tell myself, man. Whenever I get too spun out about all the personality bullshit, I always just say, look, I'm a small business owner. What do you want from me? I'm just running a small business, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Very aggressive. I owe the Philadelphia Parking Authority still like, I think now they want, I think it's like $5,000 or $7,000.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I talked to the one lady the one time. It can stay on a marathon, and I'll just keep it. It's good, man. I went down there once. I think they took a Ford Contour off me. You can go to your car to get your belongings out of your car. So I went to get my belongings, and you have to write on a piece of paper what they took from you and what's in your car that you're reclaiming.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I wrote a giant dildo, and you have to hand it to the person at the counter, and they have to bring it to someone in the back and get it approved. It's really funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I didn't have a giant dildo. I actually had a blunt that fell out behind the seat. Did you ask for that? I wanted to go get that. And I had some other stuff, too, that I wanted, but I was after that blunt. But I did put giant dildo, and they were kind of laughing. Oh, that's good. It's good that they have a sense of humor. They did kind of laugh. It seems like they do on the show. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I mean, they kind of get broken down. I've said the meanest shit to those people, and they would give it back to me. But there was this one lady the one time, she gave me a ticket, and I was like, come on, man, that is bullshit. And I was like, fuck you, I hope you die. And she was like, I hope your mother gets cancer. That's what she said to me back. The meter maid.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, I was like, I hope you die. And she goes, I hope your mother gets cancer. And I was like, if you were my mom, I would. She said something like, would you say that to me if I was my mom? And I was like, if you were my mom, I'd fucking kill myself. And she was like, I hope your mother gets cancer. And we just had this exchange, and I was like, yeah, whatever. That's awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We both got it out of our system. I was kind of, by the end of it, I was kind of laughing. She got so ruthless, and I was like, that's kind of funny. That's pretty funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance, Sound of Madness, and all the classics you'll love alongside some never-before-performed deep cuts. And, of course, the mind-blowing production in Pyro the band is known for. Let me tell you something. I've had these guys on Birdcast. I've known Zach for a very long time. We've seen them perform whenever our tour's lined up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a show you won't want to miss. I'm telling you right now, Bush, Morgan, Wade, what a lineup for a full list of dates. And to secure your tickets right now, visit Shinedown.com.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it does. People are very on edge, man. I didn't realize it until I was here for like six months. I went to Baltimore to do a show, and I got off the plane. I'm not lying. I got off, and I just looked at people's faces when I came into the terminal. and like everyone, I was like, did people just get in an argument here? And I was like, I thought they were, it was like post fight energy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I came in, I'm like, Oh yeah, this is just, people are just sourpussing all the time. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
shoulder to shoulder you know like on the streets and like it's there's slush and shit on the ground and yeah true people just fighting for position more they're jockeying for position yeah you have after like 10 of those interactions a day of like you and another person walking in the same trajectory and like either giving or being like i'm not fucking moving it does do something to your psychology i don't do that i don't have to deal with that like at all i don't there's never anyone on the sidewalk
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I feel like they're nice if you talk to them, but if you ever ask someone for directions in New York, they look at you like, get the fuck out of here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All of them. Are they a big producer of produce and stuff? I didn't think they... It's just an island. I didn't think they had a lot of room to grow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I feel like it takes the heat off. Otherwise, you become the commodity. That's where it gets personal. This sucks. You're like, well, it's me. I'm the product, and I don't really appreciate you saying that very much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we could import some of that here, whatever that is going on. Whatever's going on inside people in Japan, we need to take that here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah dude so you're gonna have some eyes on you like i can't wait i'm going shirtless i'll show you what i'm wearing for real this and i'm gonna i'm gonna wear this goes over my shoulders and that's my underwear and then i'm gonna put these pants on over him and i'm gonna be behind the bar but you know what i just realized not all gay guys are yeah that's something like a yeah Look at this. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, Tom Selleck. Look at that bear community. That's our fucking people, Tom. Do you know why? Do you know why for real? Because those are the people that go to our shows, but they just happen to be straight. Right, right. Well, some of them aren't straight. They come to your shows? I've had a lot of gay bears come to my shows.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I told you about that time the guy stopped me in his car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like in a, oh my God. I bet the drain for that thing is fucked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, there are black bears. Yeah. Do they call Asian? Bears of color. Oh, go to, yeah. See if they have Asian bears.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Look at that guy. Fuck yeah. This is going to be fun tonight. I'm getting wasted. Dude, I hope you end up fucking a guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was so fucked up. The best wake up I ever had in my entire life. The best wake up. Sometimes I deal with life based on my wake up, right? So like if I wake up depressed or anxious, that bad wake up can put me in a way. I woke up with anxious this morning. I didn't sleep so great. And then my nose was stuffed up in the middle of the night. So I had a hard time breathing and my shoulder hurts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. Really? Yeah. Do you ever see those girls with two vaginas? Type in girl with two vaginas. And what's the draw with, I mean, I'm not, no shade given to Bonnie, to Bonnie, the woman that's fucking everyone. Bonnie Blue? Bonnie Blue, no shade. But like, that's crazy that that's like a big thing that people are trying to outdo each other.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, fuck. I just woke up like that. Fuck. And then the other day I woke up in Minneapolis. Best wake up ever. Best wake up ever. How was the wake-up? I rolled over, and Leanne goes, you chokeslammed two dudes last night. Oh, yeah. It's the best wake-up I've ever had. That was probably one of the best experiences I've ever had in my entire life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And all I'm telling you, and Triple H, if you are watching, if anyone can get this to Triple H, Tom has a fucking series called Bad Thoughts coming out April, May 13th? Yes, May 13th. May 13th. There is going to be a Monday Night Raw right before his comes out. I will go with you. I will go with you. We bring the boys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we go to see WWE Raw. Tom, the energy there is so fun. And it's just like bears. It's like, but it's all people into one thing. Yeah. And they, I mean, it was so fun. Is this you jumping over the fence? This is me jumping. Have you not seen this? No. Okay. Leanne's pissed. Right here? Yeah. Why? Because I wasn't supposed to do any of this. Now, at this moment, I'm panicking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You are really panicking? I'm really panicking. I'm like, please wake up, CM Punk. Please wake up. There you go. Look at this. Boom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at this. Tommy, not my best look. I should have kept the belt on. Look at this. Look at that chokeslam. Oh, dude. Look at that. Do it again. Poe's going, do it again. Do it again. Tommy, it was the most exhilarating. Now, I'm going to say this. Yeah. Because... I saw Schultz on Theo's podcast, and Theo said, was that planned? And Schultz says, no, it wasn't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And in my head, I was like, bullshit, right? Because we go there for Netflix. We go on behalf of Netflix. Netflix asked, can you go to Minneapolis? All they were going to have me do was hold the belt. I was going to do a promo, right? So I did a promo with Otis. I was backstage. It's really confusing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like the whole thing is very confusing because everyone's kind of nice to you, but there is this real male energy. And I'd seen those two dudes for real backstage and they're Australian. I thought they were Irish or something. And I said something about Conor McGregor and they did not find it funny. And then I was like, oh, I think they're Australian.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they kept walking back, and I thought they were doing a bit with me. They were like this thing. By the way, all of this that's on there is not on air. That's not on air. The cameras were off. The show was over. This? The show was over, Tom. This is not on the air? It's all off air. The cameras were... The show was over. Everyone, cameraman, Pat McAfee, everyone left. Everyone left.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That happened after the fucking show. So... When Schultz said it wasn't scripted, I was like, bullshit, it's got to be scripted. So I go, I do the promo thing with Otis. They give me the belt. I put the belt on. I chug a beer. All scripted, all set up. We knew we were going to do that, right? And I had said to Triple H, I was like, I want to get in the ring. I want to take a couple bumps.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like when comics were seeing who could go longest on stage. Yeah. It's like wild. And I think she said they each get like, they each get like 45 seconds. Oh, 45 seconds.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And everyone was making fun of me. They're like, bro, you're 52. I remember I told one guy, he goes, how old are you? And I said, 30. And he went, what? And I was like, I'm 52. And he goes, hang on, if you're old enough that you don't remember how old you are, we're not going to let you take bumps. And so I was like... I was like, and Triple H said... At 30, I'd be like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Does this guy eat? They thought I was drunk. McAfee came up to me, he goes, what's in the glass? I said, it's coffee. And he goes, okay. I told Pat, I go, do you think I could take a bump? And he was like... No. I said, but you have. He goes, buddy, I bought a wrestling ring my first year in the NFL. I've been a wrestling fan my whole life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When we did this in our backyard as kids, I knew what I was doing. I had a guy train me before I started doing anything. And so I was like, okay. So I said to Triple H, I was like... I was like, you know, I said to Cody, and I said to everyone I wanted to take a bump, and Triple H is like, yeah, I don't... He's like, here's the deal, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you're being serious, if you'd like to get in the ring, then absolutely. We'll send you down to Orlando, and you can do a couple weeks in Orlando. That's what everyone does. And then we can get you up to speed, but we can't just send you in there. And I was like, okay. So when that happened, and I swear...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
on both of the lives of both of my daughters and my wife and my two dogs, might as well throw the cats in. I swear to God, no scripting, no planning, had no idea what the fuck was going on at all. And I thought I was going to get in trouble.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. I didn't understand, I thought I met everybody, right? And I kind of thought I was cool with everybody before the show, and the second New World, a new day came in, and they were just fucking lit me up. I was sitting right behind McAfee, and everyone would come in and go, hey, you fat fuck. And I was like, what did I do to Austin? Wait, the wrestlers? He's like, yeah, sit down, you fat fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, I was sitting there with my wife watching wrestling. I'm enjoying myself. McAfee's losing his mind. He's laughing in front of me. He's like, dude, they're coming after you. Everyone came in. Everyone lit me up. And when they came out, they were just staring at me and they're like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I fucked Bonnie Blue and all I got was his hat. Yeah. She was born with two vaginas. Who? This other person? I've been hearing a lot about vaginas.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're like, yeah, take off your shirt, fat boy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Show them titties. Show them fucking titties, fat boy, or whatever. And I was like, I would have had a seizure. Dude, one guy got in my fucking face. This is on the script. One guy got in my face and started getting in my face, up in the thing, talking shit. And I lifted my shirt up to him. I didn't know what to do. I'm not trained for this. I thought we were all friends.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I really, really honestly, my big mistake was I walked in, Now I regret it. I walked in that day and I said, is CM Punk here? And I think everyone was like, we're all people too. Why the fuck are you looking for CM Punk? But he's the only one I know. Right. Because we did the football thing together. And when I saw him, I said, I swear to God, this is on camera. You can find this on camera.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said, are you wrestling tonight? And he went, no. I said, what are you doing here? He goes, I'm just doing a promo for WrestleMania. It's in two weeks. I was like, okay. I go, what are you doing? I said, I think I'm going to do something with Paul Heyman. Just, you know, pump everyone up for WrestleMania. I was like, cool. And so I was like, yeah, he was not supposed to fight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was not on any card to fight. He should not have wrestled at all. And so when they did that and they started, I started looking around like, what am I supposed to do?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, yeah, get over here, fat boy. Take your shirt off, fatty.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like... And then I'm like, okay. And I thought, I swear to God, Tom, I'm not joking at all. I thought I'll go over there and I'll like talk shit and then security will pull me away. And I got over there and the guy had got out of the ring and I was like, hold on, am I going to fight this guy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like there, I'm like, I know, I know this is not, I know what this is sports entertainment, but now I'm looking at a guy who just got out of the ring and is charging me. So I took my belt and started whapping it. So I was like, and cause I want him to know, I don't know what I'm doing and I will hurt you to make sure I stay safe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I will hit you with my belt to make sure I stay safe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? It was such an insane experience. But the craziest part is when CM Punk looks at me and goes, chokeslam him. And I go, huh? I've never done a chokeslam in my fucking life. Yeah, it looked good. Because he saw, I think CM Punk had seen my special.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I'd have two OnlyFans. One for one pussy and one for the other. You think you could fuck that... The answer is yes. Well...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I had a joke in my first bit about throwing my wife's, my wife's got like an inbred special needs kid in her family.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's in the special. Thanks for watching. But I chokeslammed him into the water. He goes, do me WWE style. And I was like, do me WWE style. Come on, my dad does it. So I chokeslammed him into the lake. So CM Punk thought he must know how to chokeslam people. Yeah. Dude, chokeslamming a man is the funnest thing. I will do that any fight I ever get in. I'm chokeslamming people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the whole thing. Because I woke up the next morning and I was like, I felt so good. And I texted Cody and I texted CM Punk. And I was like, yo, I think I got bit by the bug.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
April is National Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. So let's talk about it, because if you're not checking your boys, who is? Hopefully, just you. It's actually the most common cancer for guys between 15 and 35, which means if you're in that age range, you should be paying attention. And look, Manscaped isn't just out there making sure your junk looks presentable, pretty, and clean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're actually doing something real. They've teamed up with the Testicular Cancer Society, which is a registered nonprofit, and Manscaped is throwing down 50 grand to help save lives and remind you to check yourself before you riggedy wreck yourself. Trust me, check yourself. That is the, we had Duncan Trussell is a good friend of ours had testicular cancer and beat it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Get your bundle while supplies last, and let's raise awareness for testicular cancer together. Get 20% off plus free shipping with promo code BEARS at manscaped.com. Visit manscaped.com slash TCS to learn more about how to check yourself or make a donation to at TC Society today to save lives and balls. Like I might go to Orlando for a little bit and train. Yeah. And they just laughed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They love it. They love it. But I really think me and you could take those two dudes in a Monday Night Raw.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. They're Day Down Under. What are they? Lovely Day Down Under? What is the name of the wrestling?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that a boy band? I've been texting them with... No, they're A-Town Down Under. Oh. It's Grayson and Austin, and they can get this smoke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's all I'll say. I mean, they've already got a taste of the B-Man. You bring in the two of us, two bears versus A-Town Down Under. Two bears? Dude, we would fucking crush, Tom. But what we'll do is we'll get a really good wrestler in our corner. Yeah. A really, really good one to be our coach. Somebody under 50? Yeah, someone under 50. Yeah. Get Cody.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We'll get fucking Cody or get fucking CM Punk or get both of them in our corner just to kind of like tell us what to do. Yeah. They'll kind of like shepherd us through it. Yeah. I'd fucking chokeslam a dude, dude. I could do that. I can do that move. That move's in my pocket. I mean, that's exciting, dude. That would be super fun. Super fun. We might need to learn how to do some stuff first.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's probably a good idea. Or just go in. I think the name of our team should be called Dumb Luck. And we just go in with no fucking training.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
wow that's pretty deep america for theory and you guys really grayson went to the well for that one that's creative can i tell you what can i tell you can i tell you what's really scary yeah is the next morning i followed them on instagram yeah they didn't follow me back yeah they i just followed them like i i just followed them because i was like and i think i sent a message hey guys that was really fun last night no reply yeah no reply yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's a pretty... Yeah, I don't know. I probably could be fine fucking that. Really? I mean, his face is so masculine. I think it's kind of fucking cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, the wrestling scene is so cool to me because I really honestly don't know how these people don't get hurt. There was a fucking match with New Day, I think it's called, up against these two Vikings. And they did this fucking move. Yeah, and the New Day, yeah. Once again, those guys fucking lit me up. Those guys did?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking come out like Spider-Man in the multiverse, and they're like, hey, fat boy. They got my face. I was like, I thought I said hi to you backstage. There aren't any other black guys here. Why the fuck are you guys, why is everyone being a dick to me? And then, like, the one guy I meet that's cool, Otis, doesn't even say hi to me after the show. No? Like, everyone just kind of was like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, Otis. He was like, mm-hmm. Otis was fucking good. Dude, man, these guys move around so fucking fast. They're athletes, I know. When you see the crazy one. He's big as fuck, this dude. What's Steiner's son's name? I met him, and I'm sorry I'm not remembering any names.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude. Yeah. Brock. Brock. and Brock, go to Brock, go to Brock, see if it's Brock. Dude, he fucking tackled a guy so hard, I don't know, no, that's not him, no. The other one? He's a wrestler. I'm fucking sorry, I'm so bad with names. I met so many people that night, but this guy fucking tackled a dude so hard that I was like, that's real. That's real. He was coming, Tom, at a full clip.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was it this dude? I think so. And he was so jacked. He's so fucking ripped and so fucking big. He comes running to the ring in just jeans and tackles a dude, diving tackle. And I'm like, that would break ribs. Then they get this one guy up against the chair, up against the wall. And they come and they just fucking slam their body into his face. And I'm like, these have to hurt. Yeah, of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you what's crazy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
These guys get really fucking... I lifted that guy at least fucking seven feet in the air and threw him onto his back. I don't know how the fuck he got out of the ring. That's like, it looks, when you see it in person, I want to go, I want me and you to go with your boys. And I want them to see, their minds are going to be fucking blown.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know what's going to happen when your boys see their dad and Uncle Fat Sticks in the fucking ring?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're gods.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh my God, wait, those are dicks. Yeah, those are cocks. Oh, wow. Okay, that's a porn I want to see. Will you put me a link to that? By the way, I just found out how to watch porn in Texas. Look at those. Those are big dicks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I mean, first of all, live. Live, there are times, I mean, if you looked at the playback, because I was sitting behind Pat, and so I was in their two shot, I was in the middle of them. So many times, people just screen grab pictures of me just like this. You see them do these things that are so athletic and look so fucking painful. And you see them get up. There was this girl, Ayo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that her name? Ayo? This is the craziest thing I saw. Yeah, Ayo WWE. Ayo Sky. Ayo Sky. Dude, they bring in the three fucking female contenders for the heavyweight belt, and I think they're going to make them all three fight at the same time. It's a black chick, it's a fucking chick from Brooklyn, and then this AO, EO, whatever. They, I don't know, I'm bad at fucking names.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I feel bad because I met all these people and I'm not saying their names right. And so, Tom, the fucking two chicks are face to face and they're talking and this EOS guy's like, fuck this, grabs her belt, starts to walk out. And we're watching two people talk like this. And all of a sudden, I see this fucking rising sun Asian person flying up in the sky.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She kicks the black chick in the back of the head. The front of her head headbutts the other white chick. And they both go to the ground. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. You kick someone in the back of the head, it fucking hurts. You headbutt another person, it hurts. I was so blown. And that's early in the night. When that happened, I was like, holy shit, I'm fucking in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm telling you. I'm going to talk to Ross. You know what? Tom, it'll be so fun. It'll be so fun. Find out where WWE Raw is when Tom's special airs. Will you find out where it is? By the way, have you seen? The picture is worse. I got a new fat picture to put up at my gym. Yeah. I'm going to text you guys a picture. It's the worst picture of me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is Peter's angle of the whole thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't even know what's going on around me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love that I can sense your nerves. Yeah. I'm like trying to get away from a dog. Yeah, get away from me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I give him a little fucking bam. Bam. Look at Leanne. This is not my best look. I had a hard time getting in the ring. Yeah. My pants were falling down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's when CM Punk goes, you think you can chokeslam him? That's the best day of my life. That's amazing. Now I got it. I'm like, give me another one. Come on. Leanne goes, the second guy you really hurt. And I was like, for real? Dude. Tom, that's going to be us. Find out where Raw is on the month.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
May 12th in Louisville.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's Louisville. Louisville. It's Louisville. Know your cities. Does it say who's wrestling?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's it. Louisville. Pretty cool, man. Dude. Can I talk to you about a weird thing that is happening in my life, and I'm wondering if you're adjacent to this? Okay. So I was doing an interview with Kyle Busch. The NASCAR driver? Yes. And his lovely wife casually mentioned...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
that her her parents are in a retirement community yeah i said really how old are they she said 55 55 and wait a minute how what how old is kyle bush no she's no they're both young they're i mean she's like 35 37. she's probably like 29 Okay. Yeah. I've never heard of a retirement. Community for 55-year-olds? No. So that's the really popular ones now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's like all these places in Florida where you can go into a retirement community. And these retirement communities, they sound pretty awesome, but now Leanne's obsessed. With? She wants to start a retirement community. Start one? She wants to make her own. She wants to buy. There's a... school in Bristol, Connecticut for sale for $500,000. Bristol, Tennessee. Bristol, Tennessee.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, I guess I'm... I remember someone telling me they liked watching trans porn. Yeah. Because they were like, yeah, dude, it's like tits and tits and a dick. You want the dick there anyway. Wait, is this a comedian? Yeah, it was a comedian. Yeah, I know the comedian. I think we know the same guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Have you seen it? Yeah. You have, right? Yeah. She wants to buy it and she wants to start a retirement community. There's a stage. She goes, we'll have bands. She's like, it'll just be fun. It'll just be parties. We'll always get fucked up. She was like, it'll be like a fraternity house. But you'll have other people living there. I know, I know. But I'm thinking, I wonder if that's the move.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What if I start a retirement community, right? Yeah. Just like-minded people. I mean, it seems like, honestly, like a natural fit for you. I'm kind of starting to get into the idea of a retirement community. Yeah, I totally see that working for you. I can't understand why my parents never did it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Travis Barker's going to come out. I think Travis Barker's going to come out. I think Jason Kelsey's going to come out. It's going to be a blast. And we party on the field on the 50-yard line. We got music there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Yeah. Wouldn't it be awesome if you got a little pharmacy there where you got a rock dock on there? Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's cool. So you can get IVs. You can get pickleball courts, tennis courts, basketball courts. You got a fucking pool with a beach, and then you got a bar right in the center of it. It's so Burt though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's, it's, I, I, it's definitely, I would love it if your day was just, and then here's the other thing, right? Yeah. So like 55 and up 55 and up girls start at 40. Okay. Guys have to be 55. Okay. Only 40 year old dudes in there. Yeah. And, uh, And yeah, you buy in, get like, I want to find like an old, like I want to find a place and buy it and then build it out to my liking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you get like IVs, you get like a rock doc, right? So like you get a doctor, but he's a little, you know, on the. Yeah, so you have a community of people with you. A community of people where, and you got activities planned every night, every night, like Taco Tuesday and everyone gets excited for Taco Tuesday. But here's the cool thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So like, you know, I think one of the things in our country, that is unspoken but is a real problem in our country is our silent caste system, where people hate rich people, but people all want to be rich, right? Yeah, that's totally true. It's kind of a bizarre... set of circumstances considering in India, they just have a great up, they just have a caste system.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they go, yeah, yeah, you're poor and you'll always be poor and you can never be rich. That's who you are. And accept it. Accept it. Well, what's cool about a retirement community is you kind of go full communism. You kind of do. Because everyone gets their own house. No one's houses are better than anyone else's house. Everyone's kind of the same.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like, have you ever seen the place that all the rock stars live in Tennessee? Someone tell me the name. Someone knows the name. I wish someone on my team was here. It's this great, great, great fucking community. Of rock stars? It's country music stars, and Bargatze's going to move there. Is it Music Row? No, no, no, no. I forget the name of it, but it's a golf community.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know. And there's no rules for the golf course. You can play shirtless, shoeless. You can do whatever you want. Beers are everywhere. They've got a place for your store bus. They've got all these places. When you buy a lot... you get three houses you can pick from. So everyone's kind of got the same houses. So there's no keeping up with the Joneses. No. No, it's not Old Hickory.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I forget the name of it. It's the one that Nate is moving to. And Nate's trying to get me to buy one there. And I think all the ones right now, we're trying to get out further in the woods. But it's not Old Hickory. But it's so cool because these guys like Morgan Whalen lives there and like I think Ernest lives there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's hot, though. We're talking about the same person.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All the fucking, but because you only can have one of three houses, then they build the house for you. The community builds the house. No one really is big dicking anyone. Right. Everyone's on the same level. And not everyone is on the same level. I mean, people like Morgan Whalen are fucking making crazy money. And Nate's making crazy money, too. But everyone has the same house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think that's the cool thing about a retirement community is everyone gets the same house. So then ultimately, or a version of the same house, it's like track housing in the 50s or in the 40s that they did for my grandfather. Yeah. Everyone in Levittown got one of three houses. And then you would go to the neighbor's house. It was the same as your dad, as your grandmother, my grandmother's house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. But that would be the cool thing about it. And partying. You don't have to live there, Tom. Just have like a little timeshare. Timeshare. Okay. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Okay. This is a great fucking game. Okay. Today, I said. Leanne can't hear me. Can she?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Never mind. Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I'll say it. And then Leanne can say her. Just whisper it. She won't hear. Okay. Today I, I was, uh, I was, I was on my treadmill. I was doing my jog and I decided to jog in Stockholm, Sweden. And, um,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I just realized that I never got the opportunity to live in Stockholm, Sweden, to ride a bike everywhere and have my pants tight and have this tall blonde girlfriend who goes, hey, would you like to meet for a beer after work? And I go, yeah. And then I'd ride my bike up and she'd go, oh, it's so lovely to see you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we'd have a couple beers and then we'd ride our bikes home and we'd eat like a little bowl of rice or whatever like Stockholm people do and just go to bed with a little hot milk. I was like, I never got to live that life. I never got to live, I never married a French chick who was like smoking cigarettes in the morning off the balcony with no bra on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's like, fuck poetry, you know, or whatever. Like all those chicks around the world. So now I was like curious, what chick, in what scenario, in what country do you look and go, fuck, I'll never get one of those? Oh, yeah. I mean, basically all of them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at her. She's right there. Look at her, the one in the fucking corner. Dude, I was just explaining that type in Stockholm woman. See if I maybe look. Oh, yeah. And then she goes, oh, it's so good to see you. My mama and a papa are coming by later. Maybe we get a little, little bit of beer now. Not too much. And then my mama, daddy, papa, papa would like to go have one with you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So today Leanne and I are staying at the hotel and she wanted to have sex last night and I was too drunk. I was like, no, I'm going to sleep. And then this morning I thought we'd have sex and she was already getting ready to go to the gym. And I was like, so what am I just going to jerk off?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I got a geisha one night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was the greatest night of my life. That's fucking cool. Dude, I'll tell you what. Yeah. No, type in hot geisha. Serving you? She served me all night. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She sat in my room while I slept. She sat while you slept? She sat in my room while I slept. I had, dude. One of the greatest nights of my life. Kyoto, Japan. We go to, we get a geisha.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She sits with me through dinner. We're doing trip flips, so she sits with me. She's my geisha. She sits with me. She laughs at everything I say. She doesn't speak English. She's laughing at everything. Right? I tell her, you know, hey, can I get another beer? She goes and has beer. I was telling her about sake bombs. She hadn't done sake bombs. I was like, how the fuck is that possible?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I'm doing sake bombs. And then there's time for me to go to bed, so she takes me to my room. She makes my bed, undoes my bed. She gets all my clothes out. I tell her, I explain to her I have a flight in the morning, that I have a flight early, and I have to shower, but there's no shower. And she says, you know, whatever, don't worry, don't worry. I'll bathe you with my hands.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She was like, she was like, yeah, jerk off, get it out of your system and jerk off so we can hang out today. So I go to Pornhub and fucking Pornhub in half of this country is like, Hey, listen, I need to see a picture of your license. Never will I give you a picture of my life. I'm not going to let you know what I'm watching on Pornhub.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She sits in the corner of my room while I slept. I don't think I passed out, but I don't know if I... I woke up, and she was sitting in the corner of my room, and she saw me wake up, and she got out. She drew a bath. It was snowing. It was fucking snowing. I have a picture of this. I took a picture. I wanted to take a picture of me, her, in the bath, but I was naked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I was like, she drew a bath. It's snowing outside, Tom. And then she brought me a fucking Sapporo in the bath. It's snowing outside. It's still dark. My geisha hasn't slept all night long. I fucking power napped. I'm in a bath. It's snowing. Tom, it's one of the most beautiful fucking mornings of my life. Yeah. Look at this picture of this. Japan. What was her tits itch like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She wasn't that attractive, to be honest with you. I was in Osaka. Or no, I was in Kyoto. Look at this, Tom. Yeah. This was my bath. That was my bath in the snow. This is me trying to take a picture of me and my geisha. Yeah, that's not so good. I bet I have a picture. That's me. She dressed me to go on the airplane. Nice. That's how you flew? That's the clothes she laid out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I can't have it. Where are the rest of my clothes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, it is a good girlfriend is the redneck. Redneck girlfriends, I've had one. I have one. I'm married to one. Yeah, right. And they're fucking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She said something the other day. She said something in the car the other day and I'd never heard her say it. And she goes, oh, we said that all day, all my life growing up. Oh, oh, good goody. Someone tell Leanna to text me what she said. Good goody? It was so stupid, Tom. And I was like, but you know, here's the cool thing about this redneck chick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to blow up redneck chicks for a second. Surfer girlfriend? You ever have that? No. That's a pretty good one. That would be a surfer girlfriend. Okay, what about a hiking Colorado girlfriend? Oh, yeah, that's another one. Surfer girls, cool. Surfer girls. Surfer girl would be badass. Yeah. How about the New York chick? How New York? I don't know. I can't do Long Island accents.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, that's rough. yeah it's okay like that philly accent it's orange it's all my cousins yeah you want to get a you want me to suck your cock
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah i went out with a girl from boston once who had a heavy boston accent and i would go limp as she spoke she was yeah wait type in type i just want to see if it has hot hot boston girl disgusting accent best box okay let's see let's see this best can we hear it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is a sucker's play. I
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God, lady.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. So today, I'm like, dude, I hate that I can never look at porn when I'm in Texas or Arkansas. But you can. I got... Oh, I was going to say... Different sites don't have the same regulations.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Butternut squash. Oh, Carter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a fucking intense accent. Yeah. I bet it grows on you. I bet it grows on you. We just didn't grow up around it. No. I don't know if it grows on you. I think it does. Ah, come on. Pull out your pecker. Come on, let me see that cock. Let me see that cock. It's like you're having sex with Bobby Kelly. Yes, rough, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I don't know if I could. Pittsburgh's a rough one. Pittsburgh? Pittsburgh accent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I think here's the deal. I think, okay, so obviously French accent, French accent, Italian accent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, that's the whole thought behind browsers. Really? Brazzers is all British chicks, and you hear like a British chick. Dude, the British, the posh British accent. Yeah. Type in posh British chick gets fucked. I want to hear what they sound like when they have sex.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. We got to hear her talk, though. Yeah. There she is. She's talking a little bit. Let's hear her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How do we get the... That's not even a real dick. That's a real dick. That is a real dick. Come on. I need her to say something like, get me a cup of tea. Okay. All right. I feel bad that there's girls working in there that are all watching this. Yeah. There you go. Oh, well, this is a little creepy. The fucking audio sucks on these.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There you go. I like when they're too dumb to read.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like, you can't fucking read. By the way, I can't have them dressed up like children. Clearly a girl's running this page. Talking? Never mind, guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's rock hard. This guy doesn't look like an actor. Yeah. All right, you can get this off. Okay, so let's rank them. Top five hottest chick accents.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus. American doesn't even hold. We got so many different accents in here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You almost want a stereotypical submissive like Italian, like, hey, that's okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sofia Vergara, fucking best accent. Colombian. She's from Colombia. Jesus Christ. The Spanish accent is so fucking hot. Sexiest accents around the world. Number one is British. Okay, number two, French. Number three, Italian. We're hitting this out of the park. Number four, Australian. Nar, nar, nar. Now that's not cock.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it's so funny. I'm so used to the interface on Pornhub, and Pornhub kind of knows my algorithm. Yeah. So it suggests things that it knows I'm into. I don't have an account. It just knows you've been to this site. I can go up to old links, and it'll go, oh, yeah, you like that. It's the old cookies. Yeah, it's the old cookies. Yeah. Then I go to this new one, and just type it in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Scottish. I want my mom fucking in the ass. How can you rub my clit? Okay. American Southern, Leanne. There you are. You're number eight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
South African accents are fucking... It's super sexy. Best fucking hottest South African chick? The girl from fucking... Die Antwoord. Oh. She is so beautiful. That accent is sexy as hell. She is. Put in Yolandi Fossar. Just get her to talk. Yeah. Get her talking. Yeah. I mean, she talks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's hot. Oh, dude. Her accent is so fucking hot. Go back to a part where she has a microphone in her hand. I think he just holds it the whole time. He does a lot of the talking. Okay. Here we go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's got such a hot accent. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Top five dude accents. Number one's going to be American. That's the hottest male accents. Number one's American, I guarantee you. Why? Listen to us. We speak flawless. We don't sound silly. We sound normal. We sound hottest male accents. Hang on, wait. It's the same exact list.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, American Southern is attractive as opposed to just American regular? I have zero accent. You? I have zero accent. I have zero.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have no accent. You have a neutral accent. I'm a neutral accent. Do I sound like I'm from Boston? No. Do I sound like I'm from Philly? No. Do I sound like I'm from Georgia? No. No, but you have a hint of something. I got a hint of just American. Just good, perfect American. Good, perfect American. This is, if you said, give me a bland, give me a baseline American accent, it's what I sound like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You think so? So do you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, sure. So all the dudes in this thing. But if you talk to Ron White, he has an accent. Oh, for sure. Okay? Joe, Joe had, I don't know, did Joe have an accent?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's faded away. I was with a dude, this is so wild. I can't remember his name. He's got a new series called The Devil May Cry on, type it in. He went to WWE with me. Devil May Cry. This was wild. I think his name is, I think his name is Aide, Edie, the creator, the guy who created it. No fucking shit, fuck. It looks like they're all Japanese. No, no, no, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought this was hysterical. Okay. It's called... Okay? And then I didn't... It's really kind of complicated. It looks like a high school senior made it. Like, it doesn't look like... It doesn't have the... Oh, wow. What? No way. They already got it? They got it? Jesus. There you go. No? No, that's not it. Oh, maybe that's it. Anyway, I went to the categories.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's the guy that directed the Netflix series. I apologize. I'm so sorry. Director. Director. Okay. Director. Okay. That's it. Okay. ID Shankar. Okay. I had, I apologize. I'm going to overshare a little bit. Uh, I, um, that's crazy. Eyeliner he's got on. Well, he's into like anime. Yeah. Gosh, shit. And like, he's like, he's first of all, he's wildly talented. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Devil May Cry is pretty fucking awesome, and I'm not even an anime, and I'm seven episodes in. Okay. But this is what's so insane. Once again, I apologize. I'm not meaning, just trying to tell the story right. Okay, okay. He's talking to us. He's like, yeah, it's so nice to meet you, man. It's really, he's like, it was so fun sitting next to you. I never drank. I drank with you guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had such a good time. And then we're talking, and I said, you know, you fucking... Where are you from? And he's like, I'm born in India. I grew up in Singapore. I came here, you know, like five years ago or seven years or something. And I was like, really? You have no accent. And he goes, oh, this isn't my real accent. I said, what? And he goes, I do this just to blend in. It's easier.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said, really? He goes, and then he does, this is how I talk. Like that? No, I'm not good at accents, but like a full-blown Indian accent. He goes, this is how I think. In an Indian accent, this is how I think. This is how I talk. But, you know, it's just easier to assimilate just to talk like this to you. Yeah. Or talk like this. And I was like, that's fucking wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, that guy was fucking fascinating. He was talking, I'm going to, I guess maybe you're not supposed to share everything that people talk to you about when you're drunk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So maybe I shouldn't share everything, but he was talking about, he was talking about arranged marriages. Mm-hmm. Pretty crazy. Bro, they bring you smoke shows. Sometimes. They bring you smoke shows. Yeah. And by the way, his wife is beautiful. He married his wife. He was like, I'm not getting an arranged marriage. Fell in love with his wife. Married his wife. We had drinks with him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This was after WWE? We all went to the bar at the Four Seasons and had drinks. And he showed me a picture of one of his arranged marriages. And I was like... And the arranged marriages, they're doing it with the millionaires.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What do you think, if they had arranged a marriage between you and Push, didn't know her, they just walked you into a room, sat you on a bed, put a lay on your neck, put a lay on her neck, and sat you next to each other, and this is your wife. Yeah. First impressions, what would you have said?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, I liked her so much. What do you think Push would have said?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Same here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is she coming to the gay bar tonight?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, can't they watch themselves? They would love a bear bar. Can they watch themselves yet? No. How old are they? Six and nine. Oh, at nine, I was walking to the store by myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I hope so. I hope if we just get the word out, if they could just, you know how like when you go bungee jumping, the guys fuck with you a little bit? And they're like, yeah, we haven't lost anyone in like a month. And you're like, what? And they kind of like turn it on a little bit. I hope they do that to us a little bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're like, yeah, if you guys weren't here, we'd all be fucking and sucking. Yeah, cool. Let's see it. Hey, did you guys chat at the Glory Hole back there? No. I'd be like, no, are you serious? Glory hole I could deal with. Would you do a glory hole? No. Milking table, yes. Glory hole, no. Wait, why? Milking table, I think. Because you're so relaxed?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because I was like, I don't really know. I think that's it. I think those are the exact videos. Actually, that's it. I went to the categories. Go to categories. OK, go to categories. And OK, this is what made me laugh. So they are so specific. Bi, big ass, big cock, big dick, big tits, D-black, blondes, blowjobs, brunettes, cam porn. It goes all the way. And then one just goes, gay? Just one gay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There you go. I could definitely do that. He's got a piece on him. I could definitely, definitely, definitely do that. I think that'd be awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As you're getting a blowjob, she comes up. She goes, do you want me to rub your back? Who's talking about dick? Would it matter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What have I told you? Yeah. We've got a milking table. I would love to try a milking table. It's probably a girl. It's probably a girl. But it's the best blowjob you're going to have in your life if you'd like to try it. And so you try it, and it's the greatest blowjob. See, that looks awesome. That looks fucking great. Look at him. He's on his phone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
See, I don't think Leanne would be into a milking table. What's this one right here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I bet that blowjob is so hard to give.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like drinking a milkshake upside down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I bet a glory hole works easier for the person on the receiving side of the glory hole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Leanne?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I think that she would, Leanne's got this weird thing about like it being even. Like I don't think, like there's no, Leanne has no taste for dominance or like subservience. Like I don't, I'm being dead serious. I'm being dead serious and I'm curious if she would answer this, if she's hearing this. Leanne is not the kind of chick that will give you a blowjob on her knees. Like that's like, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The fuck, what am I, your servant? No. Fucking, it's not enjoyable for me. What are you, are you gonna stand dominantly over me? That's like Leanne's energy. So she doesn't, and I mean, quite honestly, she kind of wears the pants in our family.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, like, I don't think a milking table, she wouldn't be like, yeah, why don't I get the bottom of the table and suck your cock while you rest in a fucking massage chair. It just doesn't seem like Liam. Yeah, now that you say it like that, I don't know how Christina would respond either.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll just buy one and just put it in the store. I bought her, Leanne, if you don't like me saying this, I can take this out. So we got, our sex has been pretty fucking insane lately. That's great, man. And one of the things, I had this dream, I had this dream one night that Leanne was in a nurse's outfit. Yeah. And it was a white latex nurse's outfit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she came up to me and she goes, hey, I just need to take a sample real quick. And she put her hand on my pants and it was like the hottest dream I ever woke up, I woke up like crazy. So I went, and I tried to buy a nurse's outfit. And I got kind of one, but it wasn't what I was looking for, but I got it. It's more like a Halloween costume. It was like a sexy one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And one night, I think we were both a little buzzed, and she was like, and I was like, yeah, I put it out on the bed, just laid it on the bed. And Leanne's like, ah, fuck it, I'll try it. And bro... It was crazy. It was like maybe I'm saying I sometimes will tell the end just so you know That's going in my memory bank that moment. I've got like three things are in my memory bank five things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Like, are you gay? Okay, you're like this. It's so specific for heterosexuals. Oh, right, right. Gay? Yeah. Okay. Just click gay because I was like, gay? Oh, yeah, that is. Oh, that is pretty gay. That guy's young. Yeah. Oh, my God. They're all young. They're all. Dude, have you seen the guy online who's like, he's like a good looking kid. I think he lives in South Florida.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's one of them So then I go yo, I need to get a latex nurses outfit So I type in latex and this thing comes up and it's like fucking hot. It's hot I mean, it's so type in on Amazon a red latex outfit Nurse's outfit? What? No, it's not a nurse's outfit. But I got it off Amazon. And I was like, holy shit. This is so sexy. I show it to Leanna. She goes, absolutely not.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's more like go down. It's almost full bodied. So it's like, it's feet, wrists to ankles. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. And Leanne saw it. She goes, absolutely not. Why? Dude, it's rubber. Like, you need to lube yourself up to get into it. And she was like, this might be a little bit much for me. Oh, OK. But that's Leanne's energy. It's $38.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I might've gotten the more expensive one because I bought two and they were, I think they were custom made. Yeah. And so they just sit in our, but the best is Isla comes home. She was like, yo mom, what's up with the nurse's costume? Leanne's like, you shouldn't be going through drawers. Ali goes. Wait, wait, wait, before we go, before we go, I want to talk about MSG. MSG was the absolute best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You said something to me a long time ago that I have kept in my head. I mean, I'd like to do MSG. It's not my bucket list thing. I think I've done my bucket list things, like the Gorge, Red Rocks. Those are my speed. I like the outdoor stuff. But you said something one time, because I remember we were talking to a friend and he asked us to do MSG with him. And you said to the friend,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
this should be your play. You should do MSG by yourself. And you said to me, I would like to do MSG by myself. Like, no offense, I just, if I do MSG, I want it to be my night. And I fucking registered so heavily that as I was looking at the videos, I looked at the videos, I was like, dude, this is a big night for him. Yeah, it was awesome. Is it...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
out of all the shows you've done, you've done big venues. Is MSG, does it feel different than say the United Center or the Forum?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're good on this. They're all so young. Yeah. They're all so young.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I was like, you didn't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's doing, I got to say this, Chris DiStefano is doing Madison Square Garden September 11th this year.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The best one ever. So keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it was very, very fun. And now, how much more touring are you doing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You just added fall dates.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I look at old ones. You look at old ones? Yeah, MILF. Stepmother is like my favorite. That's your favorite category? Yeah, stepmother. Yeah. Stepmother or MILF or I go to like someone I've discovered, like I've found, and I'll go to her and find her stuff. That's cool. Yeah. But there's this dude online. I wonder if any of you guys have seen this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I'm taking the summer off. I'm going back. I go, when do you start?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I only have one gig in in June like that's like just happens to be there But I have basically June off July nowhere near each other on these tour dates I start September 18th as well, and then I go into December and then I'm done By the way if you want to see Tom do stand up live This is your last opportunity.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm being dead serious, and you know that I'm kind of accurate You will not you will not tour Easily for another two years after this. Easily. And I will be shocked if you tour at all ever again.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to be out there for a while.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know, but you'll do it at home, and you're not going to tour. I'll do it at home. I can already tell. Okay, all right. Permission to Party War tour starts for me September 18th, I think, as well. Okay. Permission to what? Permission to party. Oh, permission to party. Permission to party. I'm at Red Rocks October 1st, I think, or October 4th. But yeah, I'm excited.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm excited to get back on the road. I just started doing stand-up again, and it feels fucking great. I've I've I said to myself. I literally we had this talk about about ourselves doing stand-up. Yeah, and I was like, I don't know I I I just was like, I don't know am I gonna just keep doing this and I got one more special You know what? I'll do this stand-up. We talked about this the other week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said I'm gonna do this hour do this tour I'm gonna record that special and then I may be done. I actually said that and And then I went on stage in Vegas and I went, oh fuck, I forgot how much I love this. Yeah. This is everything I am. I actually said, I actually started going through like what I could get rid of. It's curious. I'm curious to hear your answers.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I wonder if I've said this to you, what I could get rid of. Okay. Yeah. First, first thing I get rid of is acting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would, if you said you got to pick, we're emptying the boat. I get rid of acting first. Yeah. Then broadcast. then something's burning, then two bears, then stand up. That's my list. What would you be? Would you get rid of stand up or your mom's house? Fuck, man. I don't want to get rid of either one. No, no, no. You've got to empty the boat. What's the most important to you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because I started thinking, you know, I feel like I'm... Especially in promoting this special, Lucky, that's streaming right now on Netflix. In promoting the special, I felt very overexposed. I felt like I was everywhere and it was bothering me. Because I don't want to be doing all that. But you have to do it. Because... Some guy might see all of them, but there's a guy who just watches one thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All he watches is Good Morning Mythical Kitchen. And so I felt overexposed, and I was like, man, what if I just got rid of some stuff? You can get rid of some stuff. And I just go, what if I just did stand-up like Louis? I just did stand-up. You know, that's a big conversation happening in New York right now is a lot of comics that we respect, like Colin Quinn and Louis and...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Older guys are all like, you guys should all get rid of your podcasts. They're like, you're not journalists. You shouldn't be talking about politics. You shouldn't be talking about world events. And these funny thoughts you have, you should be writing them down. You should be trying them on stage, and you'd be a better comic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I mean, luckily, I don't say that much funny stuff on podcasts, so I'm not burning too much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Isn't it Two Bears, One Cave Hat?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's a young, good-looking kid, and he's like, yo, what's up? I just got my back blown out by my boy, and this other dude comes up, and they're like kind of kissing. Jesus Christ. And so I followed him. And I don't know his name. I can't tell you which one he is. He's a good-looking kid. But he's like, the one that made me laugh, he was like, yo, it's time to normalize homie head.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bad Thoughts, April 15th. May 13th. Permission to Party World Tour, September 18th. Tom Segura, if you want to see him live before he retires. Wait, we're on Rockford at the same fucking day. Oh, that's my schedule. Oh. I'm on Rockford September 18th. Yeah, yeah. Milwaukee, St. Paul, Minnesota, Duluth, Eugene, Oregon. I'm doing Eugene, Oregon. That's cool. And Red Rocks. Red Rocks, your favorite.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
October 1st. Yeah. Salt Lake City, Idaho Falls. Nampa, Idaho. Oh, how's your new stuff? You have to have a new thing, right? New hour? Yeah. Awesome. Is it? Dude, I did two hours the other night. Jesus. I did two hours and I have the best joke I have.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
See, this is the thing that sucks about me on podcasts is like, because I was talking to DeStefano and he's like, yeah, you can tell a joke on a podcast and then use it in your special. I go, I can't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If I did one time with you, one time with you, I said I took a shit next to a dude in Japan that was so bad the guy in the stall next to me threw up, and you laughed, and then I said, and I was in Japan, I thought he was trying to talk to me, and you laughed even harder, and I tried it the next week on stage, and I watched the dude in the audience go, blow it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's why I save all my good thoughts for the stage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I try to keep anything stand-up out of the podcast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, boy. Who's... Who could normalize homie head to you? Be it, like, if it's Brock Lesnar, and you're in a car, you're driving in the fucking woods, and he's like, yo, that's my guy! That's my guy! That's my guy! Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's in a parking lot. It's in a parking lot. And it's with another guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you ever see the video of the two black guys and they're talking on face cam and his chick's behind him with her feet up? He's like, yo, homie, what's going on with the feet? He's like, what feet? He's like, your feet. Where you keeping your feet? He's like, stop doing that shit, man. You saw that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This kid, I follow him. Would you let him blow you? No, he's too young.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the issue? Yeah. I'd want like a Kevin Spacey. An older guy? Yeah, if I was gay. I would hate to find out I was gay now and then realize all my franchise playing years are behind me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then all the times when you were really good at fucking and you looked good and people wanted to fuck you, they're all behind you. They're all gone. Yeah, I know. And now you're just some queen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have a star on my face because I have a pimple, and this draws out the pimple. I think it's ingrown hair. Is it designed for that, or is it just? Well, you can get ones that are circles, but then you look kind of weird. But is it for that? Yeah. Oh, it's for that. It draws out the pimple.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He fucks a lot. And he's got a boyfriend. Where's his back blown out video? It's one in the parking lot. You got to go back. You're going the wrong way. How much do you watch? I watch all of them. Okay. I get a deep dive on this motherfucker. Okay. You'd be shocked who I follow. It's in a parking lot. They're in a parking lot? Yeah. Okay. So just scroll over them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not going to be... You're never going to find it. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of videos, man. Yeah. I don't follow them on TikTok. I only follow them on Instagram. Oh. Twink Tone. Cool. I got my back. It would be cool to be in that whole subculture of gay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just... Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I'd rather have a star on my face and let everyone see it than put like a – I was going to put a Band-Aid over it. Yeah. But it's crazy. Everyone's like, what happened here? Dude, this pimple has two heads on it. Two heads? It's two heads. It looks like Marky Mark's nipples. You ever know he had a third nipple? No. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. I didn't know that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've got our outfits.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is your outfit. No, I have my outfit. This is your outfit. I think, oh, it goes like this. Your cock goes out of here. You put your cock and balls here. This goes around your waist, and you wear it like that. Oh, that is cool. Yeah. It would be tough. I mean, I'm being serious when I say this. And I hope this doesn't come out like ignorant. I mean, it's going to come out ignorant.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, how do you have a friend when you're gay? Okay. You're just friends with them. And not fuck them? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I mean, I would be like... If I was... I mean, I just think I would be a little more... Promiscuous, it's like it's like imagine if you had girlfriends, but then they also like yeah, I like fucking too. Yeah You were single you just fuck a lot. Yeah, I think this was happening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, so does one of the guys in WWE has a third nipple. I saw that too. How long has that been a two-headed dildo on your face? I woke up – it's – I got this. If you go back like a month ago, it was there, but it never got ahead. And then it went away, but I could always feel a lump. And then it started coming back. It's a hair. It's a hair in there. So I got to get Dr. Pimple Popper on it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we're gonna find out tonight I know. I'm so fucking pumped. Are you? Yeah. Will you let a dude touch your dick? What? Will you let a dude touch your dick? Just pull it out? They get handsy. Yeah, they do get handsy. Yeah, they're like those monkeys in Africa that climb into your Jeep and take your food out of your backpack. Are you going to let one touch your dick? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll let a gay guy touch my dick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We have a stash. We should get some Bluetooth. Just go in there fully ramped up. Yeah, dude, I am so pumped. I hope they know that I'm coming with love. We're not mocking them. This has been my opus for a while. I've always wanted to get rid of the chicks for Porosos and lean into the gay bears. I think that community is cool as fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I think it's cool because, you know, and I'm talking a little wild, but, like, gay culture is all about, like, when you go to, like, the Abbey in Hollywood, we went, it's all really, like, jacked and good-looking guys, and everyone looks like the guy Twink Tone who got his back blown out. And then you've got guys like us who found their people, and they like the thing they like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They like some hair on a dude. I just think that's so cool that there's different subcultures of gay, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and this one's my favorite. I think mostly because I look like them,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. I mean, it's all cost relevant. The thing that I already was thinking of, because two things are definitely going to happen. One, I was like, all the scumbag pieces of shit that will scam people in some way out of this, you're like, I can't wait until the...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, that is a big thing. That is a big thing, a difference between now and like the 1950s, let's say. In the 1950s, the big thing that kind of everybody bought into was hope. You had hope that you could get a house, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, that you could get a good job. that you could work it, that you'd have a nice pension, and that you'd have a nice life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And one thing that's eroded over the last 70 years is the idea that everybody has hope. People just don't... They don't see that anymore. They just go, no, you just work... to fucking catch up on some bills that you never catch up on. And so, yeah, fuck people who have found a way to have that because I don't have it. And there's a lot of people that think that way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I understand why you would think that way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember too. I remember when we lived in, we were renting a place in Silver Lake and seeing like an open house. And we're in Silver Lake. Silver Lake, for people that don't know, is the east side of Los Angeles. It's kind of a trendy, hipster neighborhood. It used to be like a dicier neighborhood that kind of became gentrified.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it's kind of like a cool, you know, Williamsburg type of neighborhood in Los Angeles. And we're living there. You see like open house and you pull over. You just take like the flyer. And, you know, we're renting a place, some work in the road, 45 weeks a year. And you see the flyer and it's like $1.2 million. And you're like, what? Like how the fuck would I ever buy a house?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
the Dateline special that'll come out about how they're going to just prey on people, which is so horrible, but also how industries always come out of disaster. So I was thinking, because you go Malibu and the Palisades are two of the most sought-after industries in Los Angeles. They're fantastic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like that was just the thought. I guess maybe in a dreamland. Like how is this possible? I'll be a renter for the rest of my life. Yeah, of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was it Michael Winslow and he did a bunch of sounds and stuff?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cancel my set at the store. That's a big deal. They close the store. Is that on the news?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's in the go bags? Did you put passports? Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Remember we had a conversation and I was like, it's better when you can see them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did not. No. You know we're on a podcast right now, right? I don't care. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I just know what ends up happening is an industry will come out of a disaster of this magnitude. So some version of this will happen. We'll be like, okay, first of all, you're going to have a lot of people leave. A lot of people are going to leave these places. They're going to be like, I don't want to live here anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you get the therapist to go?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a good go bag.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then is the bag by the door? Do you leave it by the door or what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bring out those lamps. I got to get the fuck out of here. I don't know what I'm doing here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what's going to happen is they're going to move to Austin. All those people are going to end up moving to Austin because they're going to go to Austin or they're going to go to Nashville or Denver or whatever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
calm up yeah cause I'll eat like a king cause you know Ron's bringing his sisters I haven't heard anything about violence yet cause sometimes disasters you know trigger people in a way but like having having protection is a good idea like you have oh yeah dude I got an AK-47 a shotgun okay and two pistols and a bow and arrow and I have a bunch of knives and a machete and a chainsaw
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The boys still are like, remember when Fat Sticks was here? And I'm like, yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
okay all right then you're gonna have this thing where it's like okay i want to rebuild i want to i want to live again in the palisades or i want to live again in malibu beachfront malibu stuff and you know people are going really like yeah i want to do it so then what will happen is first of all i think the value of this actual property has to go down. So you'll go, oh, I can get in for less.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, you wouldn't. They've grown so much since you saw them last. Really? Yeah. Are you going to let them play football? Of course. I'm not fucking straight, dude. I'm not going to. Yeah, I have zero hesitation about that. I'm wanting it. I'm encouraging it. I'm also being like, hey, you like Roblox? You want more Robux? Fucking play football. Some real benefits. There's a lot of bonuses.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When my kids get to middle school, high school age, if they're like, yeah, I'm thinking about playing football or whatever, I'll be like, how's 10 grand sound right now? For real. And if they're like, what? I'll be like, I'll give you $10,000 if you sign up. And if you don't, I'll take something away from you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, you know my dad told me that when I was going to college? When I was like, yeah, I'm done with football. He was like, if you get a scholarship somewhere, I will give you that amount of money. I was like, really? Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. That's how much he wanted me. But I understand it now. I would definitely do the same thing. Yeah, it gives you something to look forward to.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I got to say, you're totally accurate. I mean, we both had two sisters too, and I remember – That era, like when each of them got basically like late middles, like 13, 14, like they both turned into such monsters. And it doesn't taper off for a few years. They really were monsters.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, no, the fires are – this is unlike anything that's ever happened.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can also already picture how as Georgia now ages, like when she's like 28, you're going to be like, remember what a cuck you were when you were... You're going to bring it up all the time. And she's going to be like, huh? And you'll be like, you fucking sucked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then what's gonna happen is they're gonna go, okay, what are you gonna spend on this house, right? And let's just say you're like, I'm willing to spend, you know, $5 million on a house to be there. They're going to be like, cool. So you're going to do about $3 million of what you thought you were going to spend on your home. And then $2 million are going to be in fire retardant buildings.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's very, very, yeah. Now my kids are always like, do you know Mr. Beast? And I'm like, I mean, no. I know people that know him and they're like, oh, that'd be cool. Do you know Elon Musk? I'm like, no. And they're like, that'd be fucking cool. Do you know Donald Trump? I'm like, well, for fuck's sake. Could you get somebody a little fucking lower on the list?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, well, it's a big show, man. A lot of fucking, a lot of stuff happening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
products and builds. And so that industry will explode. You know, you're going to have, I think it'll be, first of all, I think they're going to pass laws where it'll be illegal to have bushes and trees, anything like that in these areas. It'll just be like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. There is no such thing as landscapes. It'll be like rocks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It should be pot leaves. That is the dumbest shit you can buy. Like just covered in pot leaves.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I bought an El Chapo hat. It's just a hat of El Chapo in his face. And there's people who would be like, what the fuck are you wearing that for? I'm like, well, it's dumb. I just got it. But I think we could do a whole line of El Chapo stuff. There's no way anybody has estate rights on that. They don't care. We should just do all cartel guys, like a cartel line.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Escobar, El Chapo, the Arellano Felix brothers.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I'm glad there's another kid doing that because my fucking nine-year-old does that too. So every picture, I'm like, can you just fucking smile? And he goes like, I'm like, okay. This picture's horrible, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it's been a few years yeah it was really fucking hard to get it they were they're both just insane uh on something like that especially you just can't get ellis to no like yeah i'm sure we could do it but it's it's difficult yeah we probably should maybe that's maybe that's my goal is my goal is to just buy stuff for your kids that you don't want them to have cool that is like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, do you do Christmas presents for your sisters and their families too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, so we were doing what do you want to get, that kind of thing. And my sister would be like, what should we send your boys? I'm like, well, he likes Roblox. He likes cars. And then she's like, oh, yeah, you should get my daughter this. And then for my son, who's 12, she's like, maybe a sofa. And I'm like, I'm sorry? Your 12-year-old wants a sofa? That's what he was like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was like, can Santa bring me a sofa? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, is this for your living room? She's like, nah, he really wants this sofa from Restoration Hardware. I'm like, cool. It feels weird.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's just going to be like rocks and things that look nice, but that aren't actually brush. And then I think homes there are going to be like concrete homes and stone homes. It's like, it's the logical thing. And they're going to this industry of like the, there's that spray that some places have, have done before that I assume is very expensive.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And my mom, who I'm so used to, everyone knows this about her, but she's like traveling with us over the holidays. And she's like, I love you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We, we're, we're working on it. She's coming in next week. We're going to be in studio with her and we're going to really try to encourage it. I'm trying to show her how, you know, this could really help her out. So she doesn't want to fart on it, but I think we could probably work up to it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But, um, she's going to do hopefully morning greetings and, you know, to show you what she's doing during her day. I think she can get a nice little following going. Um, But she's like, I love your backpack. And I go, thanks. She's like, can I have it? And I go, of course not. I just got it. It's mine. She's like, I love it. I go, I don't care. You're not doing this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she's like, oh, it's so nice. And I go, you don't even use a backpack. I travel every week with this thing. She's like, can I have a bag? You have so many bags. And I'm like... What the fuck, man? And she's like, you do? And I'm like, yeah, I do. I have a lot of luggage because I travel for a living. So I go, fine. I'll give you a bag. You promise? And I go, yeah, I promise.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I'm like, what kind do you want? And she's like, the one you carry. I'm like, a duffel bag? I go, you're 80. You're going to throw a fucking duffel over your shoulder? And she's like, yes. And I'm like, OK. So I give her one. And I'm like, here you go. Here's a duffel. It's a nice duffel bag. And as I'm driving her, I'm like, you're not gonna use that. And she's like, why?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, because it's empty right now, right? Once you put shit in it, it's gonna weigh like 30 pounds. You're gonna lug a fucking bag around. And she's like, I think you are right. And I go, fucking thank you. And she's like, I give it back to you. I'm like, yeah, that's not, you're not giving me something, it's mine. And she's like, do you have a different bag that has wheels that I can have?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I go, fucking fine. I'll give you. She's like, but it's nice. And I go, yeah. Of course, I'm always like, you could just buy one of these. And then every time I say that, she's like, I don't have what you have. I don't have your income. And I'm like, yeah, but you act like you're destitute, like you're on welfare. You could go buy a bag. No, I can't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you don't want to give it to me, I just won't have a bag. And I'm like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. She did that with the phone. She goes, do you, what kind of phone is it? I'm like, it's an iPhone. You know what the fuck it is. And she's like, which one? I'm like, the latest one. And she's like, do you have one that maybe you don't use anymore that I could have? And I go, absolutely not. No. And she's like, well, I have the iPhone 11. And I go, great. Go buy the fucking 16.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I won't do that. And I go, okay, then stick with your fucking 11. And she's like, why can't you just give me one of your old phones? I go, because I'm not doing that. I throw them in fires. I just let them explode. So she's like, you throw them away? I go, yeah, computers. I break them in half and I throw them in a fire. So you can't have any of them. Why can't you go to the store?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They'll, you know, they'll be like, yeah, we're going to build your house. So we're going to do this spray and sprays fucking $300,000 or some crazy amount of money. Um, And then people will have to make the decision of whether they want to do it or not, because there's no way they're just going to be like, yeah, throw up your wood house again. It's just it's not they're just not going to do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and buy a fucking phone. And she's just like, I'm not having this. She's like, I won't spend that kind of money. I'm like, all right, then just stick to your fucking 11. I'm not doing that. I'm not buying you a phone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, lately it's been quite a bit. I mean, you know, a few times a week at least. Does she knock on the door or does she walk in? Oh, fuck no. No, no, no. She'll call. She's scared to drive. Like, you know, we fucking pick her up or something, you know. Yeah. She's not just going to show up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Usually around the same amount of time. A few times a week. Yeah, a few times a week. But also, I'm back to touring again, so... I'm going to be gone a lot. I assume they'll be at the house a good bit on weekends that I'm gone to, you know, just to see the boys and be around. So they'll probably be at the house a good bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I know. I'm trying to, I'm introducing her to people and you know, she'll get her work stuff going, but I think she's going to like it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know 35 something in late 30s yeah I don't know. I think it's a pretty horrible thing to do to her. I always tell when I meet people and they're like, oh, don't you have any friends for this single woman? I'm like, I would not do that to you. You deserve better. The comedians are not who you want to be dating. No, I would never. They're such horrible people, most of them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, ever in Los Angeles. They've already passed an estimated 51 billion, which is going to grow by exponential amounts. Wow. The neighborhood that I left when I last lived in Los Angeles is completely gone. The house that I lived in. That house is gone. The house is gone. The school that Ellis went to is gone. It was a very walkable neighborhood.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah i'm like but like most comics i'm like yeah dude you don't want this you really don't yeah there's a there's a really a small group that i would i mean i would actually have a hard time coming up with that list yeah i can't imagine i can't think of one comic where i go well like bobby lee would be someone i'd set someone up with yeah well that makes sense I love Bobby. I love Bobby.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's so funny. And I texted him about the other night, and I go, are you safe? And he was like, yeah, I have a bag packed and all this. I go, well, don't wait. Like, just leave. Oh, it was right by his house. Yeah, he goes, you do care about me. He goes, okay, I think I'm going to leave now. I go, good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, I hate when people, the same thing when, you know, because we lived through so many hurricanes, and people were like, I'm just going to see how this goes. I go, you see the fucking...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And of course, the insurance industry is going to be sent bent over sideways.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow. No, I've checked on all my Christian friends first and then kind of worked it down through the other denominations. But yeah, I wanted to make sure that, you know what I mean?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You mean like the hijab or something? What are you talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's stuck for so long. But it's good in that climate because it's a Middle Eastern wear, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You can't improve upon a perfect... Here's the thing. It kind of is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. You understand why guys wear dresses, too, because letting your nuts hang and feeling that breeze come up. Oh, my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone looks the same. The North Koreans are good at that. There's only like a few outfits you're allowed to wear and there's only like six haircuts you can have, you know? For real? Yeah. You ever seen the North Korean barber list? So if you go get a haircut in Pyongyang or anywhere in North Korea, there's like six and you pick one. Like that's it. You have one of these.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's it. Clothes is pretty much the same. You just wear like one of a few shirts or jackets. That's it. That's fucking brilliant.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I mean, our uniform, it feels like maybe, I feel like what's very American is old Western stuff. So like cowboy shit, wouldn't that be like the American standard? That'd be a good standard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's it. Blue or white. You know, there's not like a lot of color variation. It should be like white tee, blue button down, collared shirt, jeans, boots. It would be fun if they did it regionally.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They fucking already do do that. They adhere to that. All those Southeastern boys, all the dipshits you see go into games on Saturdays that are pledging or whatever, they always look like tools. They always have on that same fucking goofy ass shirt. Yeah, it's like a country club outfit. It's like blazer, khakis, right? And they're there with their little fucking side piece who's in a dress.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The hipster outfit. Yeah. Yeah. Hipster mustaches. But here's the thing. There's already too much variation for this. You know, you got to, if you're going to do it North Korean style, you got to pick like three looks. I think there's like, that is way too, you got to tell the, uh, that hipster guy to fucking clean it up. No more of that shit. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what they would like? They would like the fucking onesie. Like a onesie should be an option. Like a janitor onesie. You know what I mean? Like the zip up in the back. Because some hipsters will wear that kind of thing. That could be one of the selections. You're allowed to wear one of those in a muted color.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You just learned that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Islam is the religion, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Muslims are practitioners of Islam, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we all have this jersey on. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And they do do that. That's cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. They're like, if you're a Giants fan, we're going to beat you to death. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It definitely does something because clothing is totally an individual kind of expression, right? That's the thing is clothing gives you the option to present yourself in the way you want to present yourself to the world. It has an impact. Like somebody – in a suit and tie, you perceive differently 1,000% than you do in a fucking tracksuit, right? Like, you just do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it's nice to take away that freedom and individuality from people. And that's kind of what the North Koreans have done. And I think what you're saying is it'd be cool if we do it here in America. I like it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, jeans and t-shirt, onesie, like zip up, you know, and cowboy outfit?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And should you be allowed to wear a suit? Because suits are kind of the... Suits got to be a thing. So four. You get four options.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Men can't wear. That was the one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Men can't wear gold. Muslim men can't wear gold. Muslim women can wear gold. And the reason that Muslim men can't wear gold is that it's an old thing. I think it's in the Quran. It's about something to do with like fertility. So it's not really like, you know, it's just like kind of like, I don't want to say like, here, this is probably a better explanation than mine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mankind was considered an excessive adornment that could lead to vanity, imitating women, displaying arrogance, going against the Islamic principle of modesty and simplicity, based on interpretations of the Prophet's traditions rather than explicit Quranic verses. Okay, and if you hit the key points, The idea should be focused on inner strength and character. Yeah, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I was taught something or explained something different. But yeah, okay. So it's about appearing more modest. But I don't know why you'd want the women to appear not modest then. But yeah. But they can wear anything but gold.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is it called? What is the traditional Muslim men clothing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Would you do the wrap?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What about the PLO style? What was the guy's name?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Arafat, yeah. Arafat. What was Arafat?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, dude. That shit's tight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He wore that forever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, him with that on and the Ray-Bans, that's a fucking look right there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, fuck yeah, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's one thing. One of my favorite jokes, because people wear camo. Camo is like fashion now. Yeah. It's like B.J. Porter, this very funny writer, told me whenever he's in L.A. and he goes to a Hollywood party and someone's wearing a camo jacket, he'll just lean in and go, thank you for your service. And they're like, what? Yeah. And they're just like, it's just a fucking jack.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, oh, sorry. I thought it was from your time in the military.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't see it. I heard about it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, one thing that's cool about this Nikki's kind of ascent is that she is a fucking grinder. Nikki is somebody who has worked so hard and has done all the work. And I've been seeing her, obviously, for years, just work the road, work the road, get on stage nightly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
put out material and then she just you know just obviously like became a better and better and better comedian and got opportunities and capitalized on him so I think she's just somebody that like in comedy people are genuinely happy for because she's really just earned everything that she's got right now she's just she's killed it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's... It is always fun, the cutaways. Whether people laugh or are horrified, the cutaways are always great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let me know if you want to come.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll be on tour this year, the whole year. Are you on for the whole year? I'm on for the whole year. I'll be touring, well, right now through May, and then I'll announce fall dates. I'll take most of the summer off. I really enjoyed doing that last year is like – instead of just like pushing through it is like enjoying summer. You know, like the boys are out of school.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's, it's, it's really like a great time. So I'll take like 90% of the summer off and then get back to it in the fall. And then, yeah, go through, go through. Oh, there you go. There's your writers there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
is rich voss's wife yeah i like calling rich voss's wife instead of bonnie mcfarland i'm sure she loves that that's a fucking monsters that's a monster those are some of the greatest white voices working in comedy right there wait not one black guy well you said you wanted the best of the best right so there's oh there is an asian yeah there's diversity there's one asian well my writer's room was together they were like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is insane. People were telling me, they're like, this is insane to have so many white writers. And I was like, really? And they were like, yeah, dude, this is crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, they were really blown away by it. And I was like, this is who you fucking sent me to interview. Why don't you send more people? I mean, I didn't call these people up. You sent me people and said, meet these people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the best. It's the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's cool. It's really cool. And it makes you funnier. It does. It elevates everything. It elevates everything. It elevates everything. There's no substitute. It's like what's better than a one funny person is fucking 12. It's like you get all these minds together. It makes everything better. A couple things. I have to pee, and I have to get on a fucking plane. I got to get out of here, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is fucking crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, they also just can't believe how horrific. It looks like a war zone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There will be insurance stuff. There's going to be people who – in that area, of course, people can afford – because you get – In most places where it's not like fire zone stuff, you have your fire insurance, which is kind of part of your protection of all your property. But in heavy fire zone places, what happens for people that don't know is they go, here's all your home protection insurance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he goes, we- Wait, wait, wait. We can show this one. I just sent it to- Oh, please show it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, for people that didn't see this, this was great. This is great. He's like, wait, why are there fires?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're the news, right? But yeah, this is great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. All right. Got to run.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thanks, man. It was great to see you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Stay safe. We love you. We'll see you next week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're not covering fire. That's a separate policy. And if you're talking about a home that's worth six or 10 or 20, dude, those insurance policies are insane. Now, people can afford to do it, but it's a crazy, crazy expense. So some of those people for sure had that great coverage, and they'll have the money to pay off that mortgage. But then they have to go like, well, what am I going to do?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So did you send an offer yet on that property that burned down?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're here in Studio Burt. Hey, buddy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's disgusting to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All my neighbors, like I checked in with old friends, all their houses are gone. And also all the places that we would frequent, you know, like we would go to the CVS. CVS is gone. Gelson's is gone. Ralph's is gone. The gas station's gone. The Starbucks is gone. Like it's all gone. It's like, it's hard to comprehend, like, and to imagine that it's all gone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
$5 or just your spare change. There's nothing better to do than to prepare for your own future by taking your financial planning seriously. I've done it and I highly recommend you do it. Head to acorns.com slash bears or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What do you want your 2025 story to be?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every January brings you 365 blank pages waiting to be filled. In 2025, maybe you're ready for a plot twist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As of now, unless it's changed, I couldn't believe that the Palisades village was all intact. And I was like, how is that possible? And I guess it's because, Maybe the buildings, the structures are all stone, you know, like concrete and stone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You were like, don't say this on mic. Shut up. No, that's fucking nuts, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's... It is crazy that people would start. And people who are starting, they also feel like once this many fires are going, they're like, fuck it, start another one. If you're of that mindset, yeah, start another one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Welcome to 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Today, we have a treat for you. Oh, yeah, baby. Welcome back to Two Bears, One Cake. Give it up for Ari Shafir, everybody. Matt Wright. Jon Stewart. What's up? Can you fucking believe I'm here? Appreciate it. Good to be here. Louis C.K. Quinton. You're lucky I'm here. I feel like it's like, you know. Wow. Are you going to run for president? Let me take a hit. Back to us. Holy shit. I'm Tom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Welcome to 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Welcome to 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Cheers. Cheers. Yeah, baby! We fucking bring it! We fucking bring it!
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It kept so many people from going to rehab. You know what I mean? Yeah. There was people that were about to go, and they saw your thing, and they're like, I'm fine. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, if you're doing... There's two of us. All right. So... This is a crazy thing that actually worked out, that so many people wanted to participate in exercise, which is... We did this because we started realizing our fans...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is it, like 260 over 150? What is it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Holy shit. Look, there's a medic right there. You're fine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. His name's Jerry, by the way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I gave Jerry a lot of credit, and then I thought about all those, you know, the downhill shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
With another disabled guy? Okay, that's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jeans is rough on a marathon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. Just finish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's on the.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not the best way to approach a marathon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's a lunatic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, please. Jason and Bo. Bo Allen. See if they want to come out. Jason Kelsey. Let's bring him to the stage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, they're making their way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ladies and gentlemen, Bo Allen and Jason Kelsey. Give it up. What's up? Thanks for having us. Of course. What's up, bro? Yeah, anywhere you want.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fat. It's crazy how anytime I'm in public and I see a guy that looks like he doesn't take care of himself, I'm like, this guy's a fan. And then as soon as I see a guy... There's Mel.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, shit. Time out. We donated that? I just feel like I'm somebody's son all of a sudden. I'm just here with my dad and my uncle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, let's get some whiskey poured. Can we get a couple more cups?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a lie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is that? I think everybody kind of hates and loves their brother, right? It's a normal brother relationship.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. That's a healthy male relationship, I believe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're going to try something. Have you ever heard of a beer mile?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So beer mile, one beer every lap, so every 400 meters, so four beers every mile. Four beers, wow. So I'm going to try a beer 5K. So we're doing 12.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to try. Dude, you can do it. You're a fucking champion.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you think you can do 12 beers? Yes!
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Absolutely no chance. A thousand percent I believe in you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. I've never tried drinking 12 beers that fast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And here's the thing. You're earning it with every 400 meters.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's my thing. If we're going to do it, let's do it big. And also, there's water in beer. There is. It's mostly water. I brought some hydration packets I'm going to throw in there, too. In the beer. We're going to be safe out here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's fucking rough.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think it would just be 12 shots.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ. If anybody can do it...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You are the guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's plenty of time to test this theory.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's plenty of time. Now, do you do, because you're retired now. Yes. You're still lifting strong like a psycho. I'm trying to, yeah. Because your meathead mentality cannot go away, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. You've got to keep at it. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you do any type of training to prepare for the 5K? Any running training?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've done zero. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, anybody that's like, this guy's falling apart, he's always like, what's up, bro? So, yeah, two middle-aged guys who, you know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You feel good?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Running is like such a big man's kryptonite. I say we, but like us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Us bears.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I fucking despise it, but I make myself do it. You know, I make myself do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I think it's healthy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is, I've heard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Supposedly. Which is the only reason I think anybody does it, right? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. That's swimming. Yeah. It checks out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I mean, and on, at least, was it like that at Wisconsin? The swimmers at Cincinnati were usually the craziest, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, they are the freakiest and the weirdest people on the- Durs was a swimmer at Wisconsin. That checks out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thick, thick back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, swimming is all lats.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's almost like a trans back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Great cardio. Great cardio that lasts all night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, all right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are we going to take a shot of this? Should we take a shot of this? Are these the Shandy's?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did they make a mistake? We had some tool over there that you could take the top off of it. I've never seen it before. It's pretty snazzy. Wow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's fantastic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I feel like you're the best one to bring it up. Go ahead.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's the thing. Latinos are the most fun. Whites are the most terrifying. So it's kind of what kind of vibe you want to go for. I need you to break it down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You say this is the reddest face I've ever seen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is for a fact. Oh, yeah. There's a thing. Bert's got some Indo-European, half-Asian blood going on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a fact, dude. You did get read. First of all, thank you for bringing this up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But, yeah, you know, there's a lot of Asians that have an enzyme that doesn't go with alcohol. Plus, they'll start bowing up on you, shit that you're not expecting. So I feel like, yeah, it's not the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, whites are the craziest. Google drunk Asian businessman.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There is no, like, some redneck or some Irish guy drinking. They're out of their fucking minds, dude. They'll do shit that you can't even conceive of drinking, and they'll do it for days on end. They're the scariest. And I think Latins are the most fun. That's because of the tequila, I feel like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Based just on crowd reaction.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Once again, we left black people out. Sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When you listen to Tupac, you're like, this guy's a fucking alcoholic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
my life are you sure what never done never like backstage i used to sell cocaine i used to sell let's make that clear i think some people didn't hear that i used to sell cocaine yeah and i never even tested it like in the movies miami vice what's the most you ever sold in like one transaction probably a half a key half a key oh yeah i've never i've never was a big but that's got to feel good right oh no
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I've always wanted to do that. It didn't feel good?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But like when you're holding the, like how much do you get paid for half a key?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the credibility that's definitely shit in the hat, though. No, it's the best, dude. I would fucking put that in my Instagram bio. I sold coke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that is not weird. This is incredible. Thank you guys so much for coming out. If you're listening, we are at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida. And there's a 5K, which was, I think it was your goddamn idea.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cheers. What's like, you guys ever commit any crimes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Petty what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now, you're big, strong guys. You ever just beat the absolute fucking shit out of somebody?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was really miserable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was so hot. We went out to warm up. And we were out here for two minutes. And the coach said, boys, just go back in. Just go in. Yeah, like you're going to get more tired out here trying to warm up and play football. So we just cut warm up short. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got to ask you this. First of all, big fan of you guys. I love football, as so many people do. It is so much fun to watch NFL action. Who is the worst? Who is the matchup of your career where you circle it and you're like, this is going to be a week. Sunday is going to be rough with this motherfucker lined up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bo played the worst position in the NFL. Yeah. Like... Just be fat as fuck and try and take on two offensive linemen every single snap.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, the worst. I mean, I don't know why he signed up for it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I always have help. Are they going to help you? I get to make all the calls.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you, the people, are the ones telling us how great it is too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us this is now your favorite vodka. So thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if you haven't tried Poroso's, get out to the store. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You are not allowed to hit the long snapper. Holy shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My blood pressure just raised. Wait, but who is your motherfucker, this guy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For me... A lot of them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Pretty much every week. So Dexter Lawrence up in New York towards the end of my career. Really, really good player. Guy that has everything. If you play a guy that's big but doesn't really have any speed to his game, you can kind of work around it. If you play a guy that's undersized fast, doesn't have that length or that size, you can play to that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Guys that have both of them are just like, I'm working with nothing here. I'm going to try and outsmart this person, and usually it works. Thankfully, I played Dexter Young in his career, so the first couple of times I played him, I could use all these little tricks that I accumulated over a decade. And then after you play him again, it's like, oh, shit, that didn't work anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just throws you to the side. Shit. Yeah, Dexter was up there, a guy named Snacks. Oh, Snacks. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, for the Giants? For a nose guard, that's like the best. Yeah, for the Giants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a great nickname really for anybody.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, Snacks Harrison was unbelievable. Limbaugh Joseph was very good. A lot of nose guards that nobody in this audience probably is going to be that familiar with. Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Vita here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We did. And the old school players had all had nicknames. Yeah. That's one thing I wish we'd bring back. I'm trying. To the NFL is like the great nicknames of like the past. Yeah. Let's get nicknames going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. 140 over 70?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you were like, what's up? He was like, actually.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's a big Putin fan. So that's cool. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You think Putin... He doesn't... Does Putin even... You think he listens to English-speaking podcasts?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're all like, oh, no, it's by MC Yahoo with the bald bean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You mean it's a child's name.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Belly comes out. We're all hip-hop fans. We're Hype Williams fans. And the soundtrack's crazy, and we're just watching this movie. I'm Tom. Tommy. Parents call me Tommy. They're like, you remind me of DMX. I was like, I know. And then they just started calling me Bunz, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm just intervening to say that at the time, Hype Williams, just imagine it's Christopher Nolan and Quentin Tarantino. He is that level for music videos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nori, will you let them take your blood pressure? That's all I got.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We thought it was Hennessy. You're drinking like $100,000 bottles.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
See, nothing is more fucked up than the music business.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is the most predatory business practices in the world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bro, imagine that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A lot of it comes down to how good the rookie is. Do the vets like him? They're going to have some fun with him. But if a guy's a dick, you're going to get got at the rookie dinner. Really? Yeah. I've seen guys take Louie. And they don't even want to drink it. They just take the shot and pour it into a glass of water. Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's up, bro? How you doing, man? It's a pleasure to meet you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The higher your pick is, the more you're going to – And what is it like a rookie – like, first of all, you don't imagine rookies being dicks because you kind of – in your mind, you go – Oh, no, there are definitely – there are some that are, for sure. They come in with an attitude, and they're just, what, not friendly?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Usually the ones that do come in with an attitude are actually really insecure. They're usually trying to mask something. So nine times out of ten, the really good players and the guys that end up being great players in the league aren't like that. They're confident, but they're also just excited to be in the NFL and around NFL players and vets. So that's the way it usually goes. I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The higher pick you are, the more that rookie dinner ends up being. I've seen it as high. You've seen it in the $20,000 for a meal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's pretty crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think our rookie year, we had a first-round pick. We split it three ways, and it was something like 15. Somewhere between 11 and 15. I can't remember. That's a nice meal. You split it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Steaks. Steaks. Some wine. Louie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, it's all in drinks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And guys are taking bottles of wine home. That's hilarious. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I ask you a football question? I would love a football question.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I think there's multiple parts of that. I think the character stuff and, like, all the interviews is probably being overplayed a little bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think the reality is if he was viewed as a first-round talent or a guy that would be, like, an organizational changing player.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
they would have drafted him in the first round.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like if Michael Vick or Cam Newton or any of these guys had the same interviews with those type of traits, they would have been drafted that high.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because at the end of the day, teams want to win games. Right. So the reality is when he starts falling, all that is is a metric of these teams that are in the market for quarterbacks don't feel at a high level that he's going to pan out to be that player in the NFL. All right. Now, the interviews and stuff like that, did that cause him to fall more later in the draft?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Potentially, but I think most of it comes down to the arm strength isn't like crazy elite. The athleticism isn't crazy elite. So what is the trait that is going to stress defenses? Well, it comes down to there's been a lot of quarterbacks with his traits that have had success, but a lot of those guys have some it factor that you can't measure at a combine, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They see the game in a way that you can't measure, right? And if he's one of those guys, which he was throughout college, he had amazing success, he can still pan out in the NFL, but you're not going to spend a high pick on a guy that doesn't have those measurables that they're looking for. So I think that's the biggest reason.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think some of those distractions later in the draft do play a little bit. But I still think, by and large, the majority of it comes down to, like if you're at that pick, right, and you have this group of quarterbacks. Let's say you've got four guys that you think are in this tier.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If Shador was that high above those other guys that they thought had that probability of panning out the next level, we think this guy can be this player. If he's that much higher, you take the baggage. Because at the end of the day, that's what you're drafting for. You're trying to draft to win games. But if it's close, or it's like, hey, this guy can do this really well,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If he pans out, you know, is it worth risking it with Shador and having to deal with the stuff on the side and all the noise? The way teams dealt with, you know, like Tim Tebow coming out, right? He was a guy that had a lot of years as a backup and not to his credit. I mean, Tim was a great person, but because he had such a fandom and such a following.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is something that you have to think about. This is going to be a media circus. It's going to be a lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They do, but my only issue with this whole topic is I think that is being talked about way too much. I think that that has taken the overwhelming majority of the spotlight in this instance, and the reality is... The majority of reason why he was not selected where people had him pre-draft selected is because the NFL did not view him as that caliber of player.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Or that they had the potential to beat him. Mel Kuyper Jr. almost had a seizure on television talking about his – because he analyzed him as a top pick. But really where he got drafted is just the statement of the NFL saying, we don't think you're a top tier talent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Exactly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, apparently no one read Black Twitter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, to be fair, back to black Twitter, there's a few black NFL players.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You be on black Twitter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I should explain the point you're making. The point you're making is that people were saying they were hypercritical of Dion having said, my son will not play. I will not let my son play for certain teams. And people were like very vocal about that. And they would point out that when Archie Manning did it for Eli,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
several years ago that it wasn't an issue so that was like one of the things going on when archie did do that and when eli was doing that that it was controversial at the time like it was it was frowned upon but at the end of the day there were still teams that viewed eli as being as top tier like that's all it comes down to yes i'm gonna keep coming back to that and yes you know brock purdy
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You didn't like the nine corridors up that you have to run?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
dropped because he didn't have any of these outstanding traits. He's panned out in the NFL. There are quarterbacks that are selected later in the round that just don't have these attributes that allow teams to accurately project whether they can be the best quarterbacks in the league. Totally. When you're drafted in the first round, that's what you think you're getting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're trying to get a guy that eventually is going to be an all-pro, one of the best quarterbacks in the league. Right. And they get it wrong all the time. But when you're making that assessment, you have to pick quarterbacks that have some type of trait that leads you to think that. You go, this is going to work. You see this guy's arm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Guess what? Neither did I. And it was fucking awful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
His athleticism is going to allow our offense to do all these types of plays. Or he just reads the game incredibly. But that's a harder one to gauge. And that's where there's the viewpoint and the decision-making and all that stuff is way harder to judge coming out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we're assuming we're good at all of these.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's just you up there, you know? It's you. I want to be MC Yahoo with the B in the middle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
With the ball to beat, yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of course. How accurate that is because... Completely ridiculous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I think that all of those stories in some semblance can happen, but that's like a much more dramatized version of like what reality is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but also, he's a good guy. It's no fun. Jason's the worst at being famous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You want to ask this question to a different player.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ask that question to Johnny Manziel. You'll get an interesting answer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can you tell? So I've never done a 5K where you're like, fuck you. We're going upstairs?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, of course. How could you not?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a lot of hills, bro.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you walk the hills or run the hills?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You didn't walk a single thing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What was your time?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have your time?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm telling you, these are my favorite podcasts right here. Wait, did you guys ever play a game drunk, high, or hungover?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Uh, no. No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Never? Nothing. Hungover. Never hungover.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wish I could tell you otherwise, but no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
See, these are good guys, dude. These are great people. Great people. I could tell.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wasn't good enough for that. I've known guys that would do like a shot of whiskey or something like that before they played. That was a thing. Marshawn Lynch famously, I think, has talked about being like a shot of Hennessy before he played.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The league has also changed quite a bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Even just in my time, like... More of the young guys just don't even drink. It's not even a thing that they really enjoy doing, whereas earlier in my career, when you first came into the league, that's all anybody did. The first thing you did Thursday, practice, let's out, we're going to the bars. Thirsty Thursdays, let's go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was talking to some of the young guys about team meetings, and I was like, do you drink in them? And they're like, no. I go, I know guys that used to just drink in all their team meetings.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sports science has ruined camaraderie. It really has. Goddamn science.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How fucked up do you get after a Super Bowl win? Is it a blackout?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, enough that you don't remember. That's okay. That's a blackout.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's right. At some point, you remember winning the Super Bowl and you remember going to the after party. And then that's kind of it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Kind of hazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you kind of have that brown out. Oh, I ran into that person and this person. And then you're trying to piece it together. Yeah. That's the Super Bowl after party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How about a fun one? What is... You're a college kid. You want to play in the league. You get to the league. What's the stupidest purchase you made? Oh, let's go around the table.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm sorry, man. I got a tree for the yard that I didn't plant. I think I'm getting a call that they're telling me my pancakes are ready. Oh, shit. Do we have his pancakes? I'm like the most needy person. I asked for pancakes, and you guys have such a wonderful staff here. They just are whipping up pancakes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They love you. I mean, the dumbest purchase I've made? I don't know. I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was the first thing I bought. Yeah, that's right. That's not a dumb purchase, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. And your wife was like... I actually brought my kid to this Super Bowl. My first child. My brother's playing here. Well, actually, take that back. That was in Miami. Sorry. This Super Bowl sucked, by the way, for me. I came here to watch my brother play Super Bowl. They got killed, and then I got, like, and they didn't even know who I was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're in May. It's May 13th. Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was when nobody knew who Jason Kelsey was, right? I am walking through Raymond James Stadium getting shit-talked, wearing a Chiefs jersey, just, you suck, fuck. And I am getting it like berated endlessly with my parents. Then I just got to get out of here. We got to walk away. It was the best. I've never felt like such a one NFL fan. It was it was incredible. It's pretty amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I've tried to bring my kid to a Super Bowl. And apparently for a Super Bowl, each kid has to have every heartbeat has to have a ticket. So we have an infant with us. We think we're going to be able to get in. We show up and they tell us, no, you can't bring that child in here. And for anybody that doesn't know, to get to the Struble, it's like a whole process. It's like the White House.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we're already like... halfway through this meandering maze to get into the stadium and they finally tell us no you can't come in and we start panicking and thankfully the nfl like we call like you know what is it seven ways to kevin bacon or whatever that game is yeah we're playing that game and eventually they get us in they're like yeah don't worry about it you can come in the stadium but
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow. I don't really know where we're going with that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But hold on. Wait. Yeah, so worst purchases.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nori, you've got to have a wild rapper purchase that you've made.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bo and I had the privilege of being drafted very late in the NFL draft, which... I think there's this conception that everybody in the draft gets paid a ridiculous sum of money right away. Yeah. It's good, but to make a truly absurd purchase like a McLaren or some ridiculous house that is never going to ever get paid off, we didn't have that kind of money yet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. I used to think my brother was making bad purchases. My brother bought some Marty McFly shoes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're like $9,000. He spent six at the time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I know that now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, dude, what are you doing? Like, you're buying shoes for this much money? What the... You're an idiot. And now they're like nine. They might even be more than that. It's crazy how much these things appreciate.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he doesn't. He just keeps them in the box. He's got boxes. Well, I shouldn't even say this because I don't want people to know this. He's got all sorts of sneakers and art and stuff like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Make some noise for the Lego chain.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, do you still have it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. If we're doing Yamazaki, there's no second race.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Rocking a diamond Lego chain now. God damn it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I gotta piss. What you got on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some great shorts, by the way, Tom. Another shot. Thank you. Are we doing another shot? Let's do another shot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We have to because you also have to wrap up. We got to get to Jelly's Run Club, so we got to wrap this up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got pancakes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't even know what he's rambling about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a standard thing I go through most days.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tiny shots.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tiny shots.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Doing great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's the best follow on Twitter. I know that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But also, let's just, first of all, thank you again, everybody. You made this possible. So thank you for coming out today and supporting. You guys are amazing. Big shout out to Nori, Bo Allen, Jason Kelsey, everybody that came and supported us. Can't thank you enough.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The run champs and the drink champs together.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we're running it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Holy shit. You're going to be hammered during this run, bro.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's what I'm about to say. Yeah, I'm drunk already. All right, here we go. All right. That's why I got to eat these pancakes. Pancakes. Let's get those pancakes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that really didn't pan out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Buddy. Reed, get that DMT pen. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've never jogged drunk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Quite a few. And I put this near the top, but it fucking panned out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. I'm Tom and this is Bert, everybody. Say hello.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I was going to say, talk about how you've changed, dude. Like, you got after it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Shout out to Diddy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ooh, yes. Oh, you should have it neat. Is that what you're trying to go for here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's what we should do. Okay. Let's have a little bit neat and see how we like it. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was tapping out. I smoked DMT yesterday, and I had like 20 shots at Bar Howard, was it? Bar Howard. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Join their Forever Clean membership to save $30 an hour and get unlimited cleaning starting at $19 an hour, all backed by their happiness guarantee. Take home cleaning off your plate this spring by using Bubbly Cleaning. Head to bubblycleaning.com slash bears to get your first three hours of cleaning for only $19. The best money advice I've ever received was do not spend more than you earn.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I will hit subscribe on that OnlyFans. If those girls want to get it going, I will fund that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Super nice guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As well, man. I'm a big fan, bro.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I mean, I just, I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
These are nerd shoes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They trick you into thinking it's not as hard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To you. Cheers. And to all of you. Thank you so much for coming out today, guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, yo, I'm going to just do stand-up tonight. That's all I'm thinking about is stand-up. That's true. And I kind of want to get back to that. Yeah. Especially with just stand-up is like, that's what I was like. I told Leanne, I was like, I think I'm going to go to Austin for like two weeks. Just do the mothership. Literally just do podcasts with Tom, do the mothership.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When he's not there, I'll be fine. I really wanted to do Lauren Compton's podcast. I'd do Danny Brown's again. I think his podcast is awesome. So fun. You know? But like... I think that's what I'm trying to do is downsize a little bit and just get it a little back to what it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Georgia? She's coming home in like a week. Oh. Yeah, she was there 90 days.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the longest you can have a visa.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
all right it's like 90 days i'm gonna facetime you when she's back and we'll just talk in spanish in front of you it was weird when the waitress came up for the very first time we saw her we haven't seen her and we haven't seen her work her spanish and the waitress comes up and she ordered for us and i was like wow she's like dad my spanish sucks and i was like it's better than mine and i tell everyone i can speak spanish
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That sounds very you. Oh, God. Yeah, it was cool. Both the girls wanted to just kind of chill out with Leigh-Anne. Like, just hang out with her. Like, just even look at, like, Instagram videos. Because that's, like, Leigh-Anne's thread is, like, innocuous. It's so weird, right? It's the dumbest. It's, like, cat videos. People scaring people at work. Like, boo!
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then there's some lady, some fat lady going... And Leanne's crying laughing. Mine's definitely not like that. Dude. Mine is. Have your boys gotten a hold of your phone and seen your algorithm?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I learned the hard way with the girls that I couldn't let them open my Safari browser because I don't know what I've seen last. And usually it's porn. All right, listen up, you high-functioning party animals. Light Strike. Hard refresher is finally here, unlike anything the alcohol industry has ever seen. Light Strike isn't just a drink. It's a goddamn survival tool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bro, something like this was introduced to me in Germany when I was in 1995. It is the perfect party pacer. Why choose between fun and function? This hydration...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
drink inspired cocktail low key brings its own self-care to the party with a crushable mix of coconut water sea salt and five percent alcohol by volume it is non-carbonated gluten-free and a great alternative to fizzy hard seltzers or sugar can cocktails this one right here is what is this smells like peach Oh, that's freaking good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Life Strike Hard Refresher is launching nationally this month with two flavors, lemon, lime, and orange mango. This is orange mango. Drink them cold, over ice. You can drink them warm. I'm drinking this one warm, and it's not bad. And just watch how fast it disappears. It's crazy. Life Strike is also a proud sponsor of the Two Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida, May 4th.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
With me, Tommy, and Jelly Roll, we will be putting these back. Because let me tell you something. These are freaking good. Hard Refresher, Light Strike. I'm telling you, learn more about Light Strike at drinklightstrike.com or follow them on TikTok and Instagram, drinklightstrike.com. It's at drinklightstrike on Instagram. Light Strike, Hard Refresher, an excellent source of 5% alcohol.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So walk me through how you felt when you saw the video of me benching 325 pounds.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears. And then I gave my niece Lola my phone, and she went on Instagram.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she was like, Uncle Bert, what is this? And it's a video. The first thing she saw was fat n-word summer. Have you seen Fat N-Word Summer? Have you seen Fat N-Word Summer? Pull up Fat N-Word Summer. That was the first thing she saw. Hold for that. That is... Don't put Fat Bert. God damn it. Fuck off. This is why I can't be online. This is why I can't be on fucking line.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It says your name? Instagram, Instagram. Instagram, fat n-word summer. Oh, I saw it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So this is it? No, hang on. Okay. Go to the... Fat n-word summer. Wait, do you have to write n-word or the actual word? No, I can't say the word. That's what I'm asking. No, you got to say any. You got to say any. You say it. Not any. Any. Fat any summer. Fat any. I got it. No. That's the first thing she sees. No, what are you doing? Go to the Google search. Go to the search.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go to the Google search. Okay. That one, right? I'm not seeing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. Is it a song? No, it's just a white girl saying. Oh, it's a white girl saying it. But with a black guy, and I think it's an AI because they're scuba diving together and they're in private jets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let me see if I can find it on my phone. Yeah, this is so... Yeah, how do you... Well, I just typed the N-word into my phone. All right. Well, that's the first thing she sees. I can't believe I can't find this. How old is this niece of yours?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Four. That's the first thing she sees. And I hear her. I hear her like, yeah, it's a fat N-word summer. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's a white girl going, it is a fat N-word summer. Is it not fat N-words with fat pockets? No. Fat N-word summer. Okay. I can't believe it's like a song. It's like a music video, but I think it's an AI. It feels like it may have been a dream that you had.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I almost sent it to you, but I had to get out of my phone so quick. So did you snag that phone? No, that's not the one. I heard it, and I looked at it. I was like, what are you watching? And then she went to the next video, and it was a woman pissing on a knocked-out man's head. Oh, I've seen that video. And she was like, Uncle Bert, what are you watching?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't look at my algorithm. Yeah, that's in my algo, too. Yeah, and so my algorithm is fucked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he realized his leg was probably coming off his body for the rest of his life. There was no fixing that leg. Yeah. And his panic he had in that, I saw it on Instagram.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I did 315, but it was like touch and go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. No. Having said that, I'm getting a motorcycle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Shout out to Harley Davidson. You already got it? Ordered it? No. I'm going to go out and pick it out. They're going to take me through the whole shop, show me all the different bikes, and I get to pick one out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm really excited. I'm so fucking excited. I'm never more excited in my life. And I'll probably drive it four or five times in my entire life. Well, it's fun to know how your friend's going to die.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I think that about you sometimes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I could see that. Yeah. Hang on. Hang on. Can I ask you something? Yeah. When you... When did you know they had video of you talking to that lady or did that video show up and you found it? The lady that hit your car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. You knew they had video. Yeah. Did you know you were being recorded? Not at that moment. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the crazy part is I was wondering if you were nervous that you might have said something that you didn't want out there. No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a terrifying feeling when you find out in a heated moment you're being recorded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now I'm curious, was there, I want to know what idiot on the internet blamed you or took her side for it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So people on the internet was like, like, uh, bro, you're rich. Oh yeah. You can just fix it. If you can afford this car, you can afford to fix it. So no culpability on her hitting the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For sure. Are you fucking kidding me? I'll brush up on my Russian.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You like bear? Vodka take it? Vodka take it in mouth?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, by the way, soft pitch, Russia. You've got a bad rap with the media. I think you have a few jailed journalists. Time to turn that around. Bring us out to Moscow. We interview Putin. We have a good time. We show a good face, but do some fun stuff with him, some like archery and shit he probably likes, right? Sure. Paint it good. We'll give him a softball interview.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean... No, you didn't, because do you know what I've been doing a dive on? Yeah. Mussolini. Oh, really? Let's go. First of all... Wait, you just sent that in a text, and I replied back to you. Yeah. We just were texting about this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's interesting how you can do the math about that, but even still, Arnold kind of fucked me up, and he was like... He's like, it's crazy. Sometimes you get 350 pounds and then they put on two and a half and you can't get it off your chest. It's mental. It's fucking mental. I do think that's true.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He created fascism.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's the grandfather of fascism. They were called the black shirts were his people. And they all wore black shirts. But can I tell you what the most fascinating thing about Mussolini, in my opinion, is? Yeah. the defamation of character that happens after he's killed. So they loved him in Italy. They didn't even know all the stuff he was doing, but they loved him in Italy. Loved him, loved him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Il Duce, yeah. Il Duce, Il Duce. And then what a fucking... But that same pose, right? That same pose you just did? Yeah. When they saw that the first time, they're like, fuck, yeah! And they, like, went crazy. And then they turned that, after he died, to turn him into a fool, and then they show that pose, a little sped up, and he looks like a fucking idiot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like... And so they did the same thing with Nero in Greece, is... Nero is not a bad emperor, but four emperors after him, or four Caesars after him or whatever, they kept fucking up, and they were like, boom, couldn't last a year, couldn't last a year, couldn't last a year. And so the fifth one shows up, and he's like, in order for me to succeed, I gotta make Nero look like an asshole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So he created the phrase, when Rome burned, Nero played the fiddle. And they did the same thing with...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
with Il Duce that when he died they just defamed his character so much they shared all this stuff so that there was never going to be a recollection of him being the guy that they thought he was when he was the leader because he ran the country and they loved him for a long time they did you know what I'm wondering though is how come we don't have like an awesome modern day Mussolini movie like shouldn't there be a fucking Oscar level movie about him there should be right
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but no one's ever done one about Hitler. That's the other thing is everyone, the big, can I tell you, Hitler was like the mean girl of these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Like he was the mean girl. So like everyone. Mussolini, Stalin, they all wanted to be boys. Even Churchill. Churchill flew to Berlin to meet Hitler and sit and talk to him. Hitler just shined him. Was like, yeah, I'm not coming.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not coming to that. Everyone wanted to be Hitler's friend. Right. And he just was a mean girl.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Wait, can I ask you, I've gotten to a big argument today about refrigeratable foods. Yes, this is a great transition. Okay. So I'm going to tell you a food, and you tell me if it's definitely refrigeratable, okay? Refrigeratable? Does it require refrigeration? Meaning in your house, do you put it in the refrigerator?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay? Yes. I'm going to start with the one that started the fight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It doesn't have to be, but I prefer it. If you go to someone's house and you're like, do you have any ketchup? And they go into their pantry and pull out a old bottle of ketchup from their pantry. I don't want it either.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The acidity from the vinegar acts as a natural preservative, but storing in the fridge will help maintain its flavor and texture, okay, the things we like the most, for longer. Who disagreed with you? Come on. Yeah, the old lady. Yeah, the fucking mountain woman I live with. She was like, I like it on the table. Okay. Butter. Butter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Leanne will put it in the refrigerator to hold onto it, but the second she decides to use that butter, it goes out. And it just stays out. And it stays out in a butter tray with a top on it. In like a week, it looks like the butter's just fucking put its dick everywhere. It's all over the top. It's all over the sides. Squirting out the side.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's dark because you used a toast knife to cut more butter off with. Yeah, yeah. Just, ugh. Okay. So far, I'm on your side. I agree. All right. Cheese. Cheese? Soft cheese.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think you're probably top ten. Top ten easy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
People say you don't need to put soft cheeses in the fridge. You leave them out. I think it...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bird's coming over. Leave them out. Leave it out. Leave it out. Just leave it out? Leave it out? Leave it out. How about eggs? Fridge. You leave those out too? Leanne, when we had chickens, she never put them in the fridge. The eggs were always just out on the counter. Why? What's the thinking behind that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because she was like, once you put them in the refrigerator, they got to be in the refrigerator. I'm going to leave them out. Leave them out the whole time. Store-bought eggs should always be kept in the refrigerator. You know, they say milk you don't need to leave in the refrigerator. Georgia said that to me this week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Milk. Out? Now, think about it, right? You go to Starbucks. Yeah. They leave the milk out all day. No, but they're always reaching into the fridge. Type F milk should be refrigerated.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They were like, milk can be out. You can leave milk out for a long time. How long? I don't know. And I was like, I don't think that's a real thing. And they're like, no, it is. It is. It's just America is so crazy. And I was like, no, that's not real.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So then let me ask you, so if you get a nitro cold brew, say you get two nitro cold brews and you bring them home and you have one and you put the other one in the refrigerator, would you drink that the next day?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I would just... I'd drink it, I'm just saying. If I also go like... Part of me would say, part of me would be like... I don't know. I'm so obsessed with my coffee maker right now. I haven't been to Starbucks in probably a year and a half. Jesus, are you doing espressos or like what kind of? Espressos. Duplios. Two duplios. Duplios. Espressos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Duplios. Maybe. It's a deuce. Doppio? Doppio. Doppio. That's what it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I look at Word. There's a guy that just passed away. His name was Dingo in the Snow. Do you know who that was? No. He was a very sweet guy. Friends with all the skateboarder community. Dingo in the Snow. He just passed away recently.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did see this. How did he pass away? I don't know. I don't think they had the cause of death yet. Oh, yeah. But he was a very sweet guy. I met him a few times, and we followed each other on Instagram. And he's only 38, which is heartbreaking. God. Yeah. But what's so funny is he's such a nice guy. I am dyslexic, and I read things fast. And I didn't read it said dingo in the snow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought it said dingo show. so I kept calling him Dingo Show every time I saw him, and he never corrected me. And then when he passed, I read it. I slowed down and read it, and I went, the dingo in the snow, not the dingo show. Ah, yeah. So I was like, oh, dingo show, and he'd be like, ah. He just rolled with it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Rolled with it, and I was like, and then I read that, and I was like, every time I fucking called him by the wrong goddamn name, and he never fucking called me on it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, there was a lot of people that loved that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, fresh beans. And I go through beans pretty quick in that whatever we pour in there, I don't know what kind of coffee maker we have, but it's my favorite one I've ever owned in my life. You don't know what it is? I mean, I just, I'm. It's too expensive to. No, no, no. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it's called. I have one in my tour bus, and I have one at home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I liked one in my tour bus so much that I bought one for home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I do two Dopios, Dopios, whatever. And I'm telling you, man, I love it. And I do them over ice. Yeah. Oh, it's Dopio. Yeah, I read things too fast. That's why I stopped reading comments, because I would read comments that were even positive about me. Mm-hmm. and I would misread them, and I'd feel bad about myself, and then I'd reread them and go, oh, that guy isn't attacking me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I haven't gone out for coffee in forever. The last time I probably went out for coffee was when both the girls were in town. You know, the nice thing is you're saving money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was my favorite thing about going to your house and seeing that Push has her own little coffee station in her bedroom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When we were looking at houses, we were looking at a house in, you know, where did Bob Hope live? Not Burbank. Burbank? No. Right in front of Burbank. Anyway, it was a nice old house, like really like pine inside, like dark wood hints all over the inside. Toluca Lake. Toluca Lake. Toluca Lake. It was a great old house. It looked like it had been built in like 1982, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those kind of like a banister and like stairs with carpet on them. And in the same way, Push saw a coffee thing and was like, God, I need one of those. In the guy's office, he had what I could only consider a
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, he had his walk-in closet, and right when he walked in, it was a pull-out drawer, and it had little baby bottles, but they were... The way the drawer was set, it was tilted up a little bit, so they were displayed, and there was a rack here, a rack here, and a rack here, and it was little baby bottles of Jack Daniels all the way across.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he pulled them out, and I saw that, and I fucking was turned on immediately. Yeah. And I said to the lady, what's this? She goes, oh... He's a dentist, and every morning when he wakes up, he takes a shot of Jack Daniels before he starts his day. No. And I was like, shut the fuck up. That's pretty nice. I could do that. I wouldn't stop at one, but he just took one shot and started his day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, was it FDR that did that? FDR would have a shot of whiskey every morning. Maybe Truman or FDR did that. The old lady in Spain.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Harry Truman would start his day with a shot of bourbon in the morning. Essentially a breakfast shot of whiskey. Can I tell you, I've done that before, but not like I do it on Winston Churchill's day. I do it one drink in the morning. I keep drinking, but I do that one drink in the morning. And it's kind of wild what mood it puts you in for the day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, when you went there, did you speak full Spanish like you do now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You did six months?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know accommodate you if you need it they were just like yeah I don't speak English so like that was when you came back from Spain did you cause your mom's Peruvian and Peruvian sounds different I'm sure than Spanish Spanish yeah yeah definitely could you can you hear your mom's accent
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sweet. Give me an impression. Okay, do impressions of these different countries in English, okay? So if English, like I would assume Spanish in Spain sounds like this. It is. It's the English of the Spanish countries. And so when they're talking, they're like, oh, would you like to go to a bullfight? It's brilliant. It's the official way of speaking the language.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then even when they say this, because they say Barcelona. Yes, they do. They have a very particular. And that's like, so that's like a real fancy pants way of talking is. If, yeah. Okay, interesting. Okay, so that's the standard. So then what does Mexican sound like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It just gets quiet like they're about to see a play.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so then what is like Bogota? Is that like red? Where am I getting? I always think Argentina would be like really high-end Spanish. They'd have like... It's just really...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. What Caribbean countries speak Spanish?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, Puerto Ricans are like – well, Tony Hinchcliffe had some jokes about that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So like what's an example?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are all Spanish laughs the same? Like, okay, so, like, we all speak English, okay? But, like, obviously black.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You saw that lady, Zoe Saldana? Who? Zoe Saldana. Is that a person? Yeah, she won an Oscar recently. Okay. Zoe Saldana. Some reporter, I guess she did a movie that was like about Mexico or something, and Mexicans felt offended by Amelia Perez. I don't know why, really. I didn't see it. She won the Oscar for this? She won the Oscar for it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, I didn't see any of the movies that won any of the Oscars. Wait, was Zoe Saldana, was she a Bond girl at once? I don't know. She was in Guardians of the Galaxy, I think.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. Why just type in Zoe Saldana Bond? Just to see if she comes up for Bond.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She got, a lot of Mexicans were upset. I don't know why. I didn't see Amelia Perez. Okay. But they like, not bum-rushed her on the stage, but they kind of like, they like, you know, challenged her when she was like doing her press after she got an Oscar. And the lady's like, it's a great movie, but what do you say to all the Mexicans that you offended? Zoe Saldana's like, bitch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She didn't say that, but she was like, she basically was like, I have a different opinion of you than you do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I think that the movie experience has changed entirely. It used to be a huge deal. Mm-hmm used to be a huge deal, but the I mean the Oscars were for these blockbuster crazy Avatar Jaws Star Wars, you know that those were like the Oscar greatest picture now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the greatest picture I had not seen any of those greatest pictures and I think they're cuz they're all done I mean, I think one of them was done for like two million dollars really and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I never really cared about the Oscars ever in my life until I moved to LA and people were like, hey, we're going to watch the Oscars. And I was like, why? Are we going to watch the Tonys next? Who gives a fuck about these things? And then when I moved to L.A., people were like, yo, it's Sunday, and there was a reason to drink. I was like, oh, I'll go to an Oscar party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then now I find myself going, well, we should watch the Oscars. And I watched the Oscars. I think Conan did a great job. I think Kieran Culkin's speech was fucking hysterical. He was great. I don't think Adrian Brody was an asshole. They're all saying he was despicable for saying, hey, I've been here before. Cut the music. I'm going to talk. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think Zoe Saldana, I mean, I think it was a bigger deal. It was like they cared what people wore. I think that's so, I think the world has gotten to a place where there's such a disconnect between Hollywood and the rest of our country. I mean, Hollywood is really- Yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe the gap is so much bigger now. Dude, and you know what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like people have an opinion and you can hear their opinions. Yeah. And I'm telling you, the canary in the mine was the pandemic. Yeah. And everyone got to assess what their house looked like versus celebrity houses. And when that fucking, that lady that played Wonder Woman did that video, or when any celebrity did a video trying to relate to America, and they showed their garden behind them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. It really just pulled Hollywood further and further apart. And I got to tell you, I think the producers that are wanting to make movies are wanting to make movies about...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
stories that I don't I'm not certain that all of America cares about well clearly not a lot of them I mean none of the I don't think any of those well how much did the the top who won one movie of the year I would I'm curious how much me a Nora how much money did a Nora box office bring in let's see
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On a $6 million budget. But $38 million is not... No, it's not like, holy shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who do you care less about, Bob Dylan or Amelia Perez?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bob Dylan, I know too much about Bob Dylan to start saying stuff because I was a huge fan for a long time. Yeah. But, yeah, I didn't see the movie, I'll tell you that much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't care. They should do a remake of Complete Unknown called A Somewhat Known Person and make it about Mussolini. Let's pitch this. This is our next pitch. I'm in. Somewhat Known.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. He deserves a higher ranking. When we come back next week, the number one thing we have to talk about is fucking Deuce Cruden.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. Goddamn Gruden. John's son. Let's do it. That guy fires me the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's better if I don't care about the show. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I get nervous. I get nervous at Red Rocks. I get nervous at the Greek. Anything big, LA. No, no, no. Like, the Gorge, I wasn't nervous. But, like, Red Rocks is a big one for me. Like, I'm really nervous. I don't know if we haven't announced it, but I'm doing Red Rocks again this year. I get nervous at the Greek. I get nervous. Why? I don't know. I think because I invest, I put a lot into it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like the Greek really made me nervous. Red Rocks always made me nervous. But that's why I like doing Red Rocks. Because it makes you nervous. Because I don't always get nervous like that. Like are you going to get nervous doing Madison Square Garden?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like a tent pole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like a tent pole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, let's talk about it. Okay, you brought it up. Yeah, yeah. Google how many people in the world can bench 325 pounds. Let's see. That's a... How many centimeters in an inch?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Chris DiStefano's doing Madison Square Garden on 9-11. Yeah. He came with me. Last weekend he came with me. I just saw that. That's what made me think about this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Someone had a seizure? Yeah. Someone had a seizure at my Lucky Taping. Oh, really? During the taping, someone had a fucking seizure. And I was like, great, we won't use this fucking...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Turn the lights on and off real quick. Just everyone click, click, click, click, click.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I haven't been really on social media a ton. I've been trying to stay off it just for mental health because sometimes I'm being very candid and honest. Sometimes I will see a picture like this and I'm not touring and it'll bum me out. And I'll go, what am I doing with my life? I wish I could do something like this. And I was with Leanne in bed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw the list of pictures, and it looked so fun. It was fun. You got the jerseys. Yeah. You got the fucking, you're with DeStefano, and it's just so cool. Jeff Tate was there. Yeah, Jeff Tate. And I was in bed with Leanne, and I was like, I'm not doing shit with my fucking career. Oh, my God. You're crazy, dude. And I was like, I got to get on the road. I got to get back on tour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, I got to do Chicago. I want to do the United Center. And she was like, wait, didn't you do it last time you were in Chicago? I was like, did I? She goes, yeah. And then I look, and I have the exact same fucking picture of me in United Center. And I'm like, God damn it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How is it that you can get sad when you see someone doing something, but then you've also done the same thing, but it reflects on you internally? You know what I mean? It's such a weird thing to see someone on vacation and it bums you out and you're like, wait, I've been to that exact resort. I see people on vacation and I go, oh man, I wish I could do that. I was in Spain.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was in Spain looking at people on vacation going... I want to go on vacation. You're like, I'm on vacation. Yeah, what the fuck? Wait, how was Spain? Oh, amazing. Yeah? Amazing. Amazing. I'll tell you what, we need to incorporate siestas. Siestas are great. And by the way, I think my Spanish is really good. Yeah. And Georgia speaks Spanish. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Georgia was doing an impression of me speaking Spanish. And it was like, me like Campari. Yeah. Me want, me want ice. Me want ice, ice, ice. More ice, more ice. Is she loving it there? She loves it. Yeah. She loves it. She is, she's speaking Spanish and I'm having the time of her life and we went and visited Isla at college. Isla's fucking happier than ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so funny. That's not what I got when I Googled it. It was like 0.01% of the world. I think that's fine. 10% of the world can bench 325 pounds. That's a lot of strong motherfuckers. Well, it is saying less than 10, which is pretty broad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just Leanne and I sat as fuck alone in the house. Just me and her every fucking day, Tom. Every fucking day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's been really good for me. It's been really good for me to slow down. I think, can I tell you the biggest thing, and this is maybe a little inside baseball, but, like, I think when you're that busy, sometimes people ask you to do creative stuff, and you don't have the bandwidth for it, and so it comes out mediocre. And so, like, I'll give you a perfect example. It's, like, promo videos, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They would tell me, like, we need an on-sale video for dot, dot, dot. And I'd just be like, I get so many of those. Because, you know, you have an on-sale video for a show. I need a promo video for Poroso's. I need a promo video for our 5K. I need a promo video for your special. You have a movie coming out. We need to do a promo for that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you have all this stuff that you just, all of a sudden, I feel like the fun gets pulled out of the job. When the job was never intended to be work, it was meant to be fun. It's supposed to be fun. It is work, but it should be fun work. Yeah. And that's when it's at its best. And that's why I think, When you see...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll use Shane as an example, but when you see Shane make tires or Gillian Keeves, that was all just fun. It wasn't work yet. His calendar wasn't loaded. All he had to do was sit in an apartment with his boys and try to make each other laugh. And that's the beauty of the playfulness of standup, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I think I had subtracted that out of it and gotten so many plates spinning that I couldn't have fun with anything. I just was like, I looked at everything as another job. And I think I'm glad... I'm glad... that I got the opportunity to kind of slow down because now I'm having fun and trying to like writing jokes and shooting content that's fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm enjoying doing podcasts that I'm not promoting anything. I'm just going on to do a podcast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's my goal. My goal is to downsize a little bit and bring it backwards so that – I don't have as much shit coming at me and just have fun with stuff. Like, you know what I said? I was like, I miss when you first moved to Austin. I said this to Leanne. I said, I miss when you first moved to Austin. Because I missed... That was literally just a day of nothing. I love when you come here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love when you come here. But when you come here, you get to have the fun of I'm going to stay at a hotel. I'm going to go work out in the morning. I'm going to take a meeting. I'm going to come to a podcast. But when I went to Austin, I had to get to have that fun. It was like, yo, I'm coming in. I'm going to work out. We're going to go out to dinner that night. We're going to go party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know that if you do 400 pounds bench, you're in a very small— So I got one readout that said— There you go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're going to do a couple podcasts. And I was like, I told Leanne, I was like, I got to start coming out to Austin more. Yeah, come out more. In June, I want to spend like two weeks out there. Okay. Because you know the other thing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like with stand-up, I know you feel this, but when you're in Austin and you're doing stand-up and you go to the club that night, you've had a full day of the boys, Christine, podcasts, work meetings, script meetings, and then all of a sudden you go to the club and you're like, I haven't thought about stand-up all day and now I'm supposed to do it? Yeah. But when you're on the road...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Battle Creek, Michigan. Tickets are on sale now for my show at Fire Keepers Casino on Friday, May 9th. Next month, I'm coming across the pond to Dublin, Belfast, Manchester, London, Glasgow, Nottingham, and Cardiff. Tickets and info are at tomscrow.com slash tour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's... I don't know. That's a weird... Oh, that's called Pablo Escobar. That's a different thing. I wonder, yeah, how about colognes that gangsters wore? Oh, like... Let's see if there's a list of those. No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was a requirement to walk in?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where was it? Where was the show? The Forum.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fucking guy put some shoes on you got flip-flops at my show um no that's pretty cool so you just took a leisurely trip to paris yeah must be nice must be nice oh very relatable do you worry about your kids what if they're what if they're like rich kids
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
um i mean they're such just little dudes who don't care about i mean they're of an age where they just don't care about anything but like having fun and breaking things they're just like boys you know like they're just they're into wreaking havoc did i tell you about i show you the text message no i got this is funny um So they're doing some work at the house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So there's been like construction crews there. Yeah. And the contractor texted me. He goes, everything's okay. This is okay, but I just got to share this. Allegedly... Your super human children totaled the porta potty. They ransacked our outside wood storage, pulverized a 50 pound two inch stone that we needed to reinstall.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's also three evidence of a fire, three bloody knives, and the toilet seat is gone. So that's my little cool guys. That's what they are. I was like, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. He's like, oh, no, we're laughing. It's very funny, but everything's destroyed. They destroyed everything. And then I confronted the boys. First, Ellis.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like, I broke it. And he's like, how'd you break it? So I tell him the whole story, and then he's like, so is it like, did your arm not work or something? And I'm like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, hey, man, did you destroy the porta potty and ransack the woods and break this thing? And he goes, no. It was Julian. I go, really? Your six-year-old little brother just decided to do that on his own? He goes, I saw it happening, but it was mostly him. I go, oh, mostly. He goes, I'm sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i may have said for him to do some of those things i was like oh so this was your idea he goes no it was both of ours but he did most of it i'm like cool man i go you know i have to pay for this right i'm i get the bill he goes oh you do how much i was like thousands of dollars he's like no he goes we will pay you back i go no you fucking won't You're not paying me back with what I've given you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. No. But yeah, that's them. So they're just like little dudes is my point. They're not like... You know, that's not great, but they're just like little, you know, they just like to be little boys. They're not into like labels or like things that are nice. They're just into like, can something go, can they go fast? You know, they're like riding bikes down a hill and they're...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He took a tricycle down the hill that he's too big for, and the wheels came flying off, and he was like, it was so fucking fast, the shit exploded. That's what he's into, is just being a crazy little kid.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
no it works but like i have nerve issues like don't you do nerve tests here isn't this what this is he's like yeah i just i don't know anything about you i don't know what like what's going on and i go okay so here's what happened and you know i had a nerve transfer done which nerve did they transfer and i'm like i don't know the fucking name of it man like it was here and now it's here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was thinking... That would be great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Oh, you'd have a great time. I would love for you to do that. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fucking sign sign them up let's do it i love it yeah i was thinking about i gotta i gotta do uh i wonder how long it would take before you actually were like i think i'm suicidal i think i want to actually end my own life really you don't think it would be the other way around that she would yeah no you don't think i'd drive her nuts i don't know man i think i'm an interesting roommate i bet you are what would your dad say
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then he's like, okay. And he goes, do you know what kind of damage you have? I go, yeah, I have some like radial nerve damage. You know, you have different nerves that go down your arm, ulnar nerve. You sure it's radial? I go, yeah, that's what they've always said. And he's like, all right. He goes, don't be freaked out by this. Okay. And I go, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's an actually interesting question. I feel like most of the time the person would reject the notion. Really? I would think so.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. I think if you said it to somebody who's defined that way, they would not see themselves as that. Yeah, see, a narcissist may be aware that others perceive them that way. They do not often see their behavior as problematic and therefore may not consider themselves to be a narcissist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Essentially, they may know their reputation but not necessarily view their traits as negative, justifying them as their signs of greatness instead.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You mean like a behavioral thing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like your psychological profile?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How about histrionic personalities or HPD? Do you think maybe you have this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, here's the symptoms. Attention seeking, being uncomfortable. Okay, hold on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Being uncomfortable when not the center of attention and acting out to get it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dramatic behavior, being overly emotional, dramatic, or expressive. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Having emotions that change quickly and seem shallow to others.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, that you could change your emotion from a dramatic, let's say, sadness to excitement to happiness.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Being overly concerned with physical appearance and using it to draw attention.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Believing relationships are closer than they are and having difficulty maintaining them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then he pulls out a book and he starts reading about it. He's like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I think you believe that relationships are closer than they are sometimes. Not like with you and me. I mean with other people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Being easily led by others, especially people they admire. Yeah. God damn it. I got that too. I mean, you're kind of checking all the boxes here. Yeah. Acting inappropriately sexual or provocative to gain attention or approval.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. Speaking dramatically with strong opinions but few facts or details to support them. I can answer that one for you. Quickly tiring of routines, jobs, friends, and romantic partners. Quickly what? Tiring of routines, jobs, friends, and romantic partners.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Having a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
HPD is often coexistent with other mental conditions like anxiety. I got that. The cause is not entirely known, but can involve abuse, trauma, or neglect.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
um and i'm like what are you doing he's like i don't really do radial nerve stuff usually i'm like cool so then i'm like then he hooks me up is zapping my arm it's the worst like electrical shocks going through your arm sticks needles in there and like sends volts through my arm and i'm like ah and i'm like so am i learning anything from this fucking test man
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you might, and that's something that a doctor could check, but you might have HPD.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Can we read more about it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Give me some famous people with histrionics.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Let's see. Who was a famous person with it? Megan Fox, Jessica Simpson, Kim Kardashian. But that's also, that's not, that's just like, that's somebody saying that these people have it. You know what I mean?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I don't know. This is like, but this is like diagnosing people from afar, you know, saying that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's a good group to be involved in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jerry Sandusky. Amber Heard. Amber Heard, Megan Fox. Yeah. And Bert Kreischer. Can you guys, can you get Bert added to this list, somebody? Please have him pull up right under Sandusky.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're kind of a hot chick. Yeah. I'm a hot mess. That's really interesting. It's kind of good to know what you have. It is good. Also, is there any treatment for it? It's probably therapy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That sounds like a very histrionic thing to say.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but he has America's Sweetheart out right now, which is really funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't like being the center of attention offstage. I do like being the center of attention on stage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have a separation for it. For me, I don't want all the attention when I'm walking around or talking to people or in a restaurant. I don't want to be the center of attention. I like being the center of attention when I walk out and I just step and grab that mic. I want to... be the center of attention then. You know, like when I'm talking to people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, you said it was your radial nerve? I go, yeah. He goes, let me try one more thing. And he sticks one more in my arm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I think for me, it's just when performing. I do want you to focus on me performing, but I don't want it offstage. I don't know. It feels like too much for me offstage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he's like, okay. He's like, all right. And then he sends a report. Patient has radial nerve damage. Everything else is fine. I'm like, what the fuck did I learn from this dude? It was the worst fucking 40 minutes of my life. And he's just like, yeah, you're right. It does suck. That's it. That's what I learned. That's cool. Yeah, it was real cool. It was really cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know if I've ever met anybody who likes it as much as you. You really like it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, it bothers people. But it's... But you really don't know what that means? You don't understand what they're saying?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It means that somebody is saying, making an observation, telling a story, and then what you do instinctively is go, here's what happened to me one time. So in their mind... they're telling the thing that happened to them and you're pivoting it to something about you. I did that today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do people not do that? Sometimes. And you're not alone in that. No, a lot of people do that. I mean, I've done that too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think they would – like some people would say, well, focus on that person telling that story. Ask them questions about the story. Like make it about them. And then there could be like a natural time to make it about – Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I believe you. I believe you. I mean, your natural instinct is to hear something and go, what's my version of that? Or I have something to say about that, right? Here, what does it say? How to stop talking about yourself. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well... If you're using the words I, me, and my in your conversation, you may not be having a conversation. You may only be talking about yourself. Actively concentrate on this when you're speaking to others. After all, the only way to stop a behavior is to recognize it. An exception would be statements such as I agree or I hear what you're saying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A great way to remember this is to keep a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself using those words, snap the rubber band. Start practicing these steps when conversing with others. Ask them to tell you if you've missed a step. Most friends will be supportive. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She is that day. She came on the podcast that came out. She came on, she ate an edible. She drank, I don't know, a couple of glasses of wine. My mom only drinks decaf coffee and she drank five cups of coffee, regular coffee on that podcast. Five, five full mugs of coffee, five in like 90 minutes. Um,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it was she was just all over the fucking map in just the most unpredictable volatile hilarious and mind-bending way i mean she was yeah she was like shot out of a cannon and uh no she's she's a lot of fun but yeah you know she's a lot dude my mom's a lot
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I went today, yeah. To what? Well, here in LA, I went and got an EKG. For real? Yeah. Just to see how it's going. Guess what? They're like, it's perfect. He says, perfect.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So is the thing that in your mind when you're listening, you're like, I want this to be done so I can talk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think some of that feels like, Like you don't want to listen though? Like if you were to just listen, like sit back and listen, that would make you anxious almost. Like it makes you anxious to just listen to the person because you're like, I have to relate it to something that I know. Do you think it's part of my social anxiety?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I've had that. I've had the calcium cardiac rating.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, that makes sense because you talk a lot in general terms. You talk a lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What makes you anxious about why can't you be silent around other people, you think? I feel like I'm letting them down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, and by the way, I have sensed that I'm letting them down, and then I'm like, let them down. I want to. I want them to walk away being like, God. That was so fucking, he didn't say anything. I'm like, yeah, that's exactly right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've done it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, Lorenzo's brother's a bodybuilder?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you. I think some of my not talking is a version of anxiety manifesting itself too. You know what I mean? Yeah. In certain situations, I just rather not talk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't want to talk? I'm saying, look, there's some times where I'm very comfortable just not speaking, right? Like just naturally, I'm fine with it. But I'm saying there are certain situations where I might have some anxiety and my way of dealing with it, whereas you would speak more, my way of dealing with that would be to not speak. You know what I mean? Oh, wow. I wish I had that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I'm nervous, right? And I'm just not going to talk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
125?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's okay. You start it. Well, I think I said that your big toe got amputated. So is it? Or do you have it still? I don't remember. No, I still have it. I still have it. That's great. No, that's a great way to start. Bert has his big toe again.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that means Leanne said that a lot. She said that a lot. I've heard her say like that whole stuff.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is this what like the therapy's about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You do? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you Zillow people's houses? No, no. Never? I mean, I've been on Zillow to look at houses, but I've never been like, where do you live and Zillow it? No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's hilarious. Let me pause for a second. I got to piss so bad. Okay, cool. Pete, get me another drink.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Um... The last time I was there, which was two years ago. Yeah. Took walks in the city, went to the Louvre, did like the fast track one where you see like 10 significant pieces. Went to another art museum to see a different exhibit. And then, yeah, I mean, went to different restaurants. But I mean, I was there on tour, but I had off days. So I did do... And yeah, there I am. That's me in Paris.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's where I got the jacket that everyone's talking about. So yeah, I mean, you know, it's different than like just a social visit, but I still managed to go to a couple of museums. I'll say this, though, that when you are in there, even with the fast pass thing where they do that, it is so – it's like a terminal at the airport.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is so crazy the amount of traffic that's going on at that museum, which is – I mean, I understand why. It's got incredible exhibits, but it is chaotic. It's so much chaos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The thing about it that was going with a guide, like the guide explaining the Mona Lisa is, it changes the experience when they start telling you about how, like when it was, the story behind it and then like the theories on what is actually happening in that painting. That changes the experience, I think. Wait, I don't know any of those.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I mean, you know, he talks about obviously the famous smirk and how it's basically, I mean, there was a theory.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, he talks about how like, let's see. There was, you know, this is like a theory that it's a woman who's dealing with her aging and how the river flowing from behind signifies the youth into the older age.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't do justice to the explanation, but when you're there and this person is going over every detail and what could be possibly happening in it, it's like it's an expert telling you their theory on it. So that part... made looking at it a lot more interesting because there's somebody who's really explaining to you, I can't do it because I obviously don't remember every detail.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I mean, it's subjective. Or like a Bob Ross. It's subjective. I mean, it's... you can actually totally rightfully think that something's better than that. But yeah, there's a fascination with this one for sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean that, that subtle smirk of hers is like something that, and you know, you can, you can see it in the eyes and the, and the, and the lips, but you know, there's, well, I mean you can hit that. There's details there that maybe, maybe some of this will bring up what they told me. Um,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, sure. I went to a bunch of Armos when I lived here. Oh, for real? Yeah. I went to Armenian dentists, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, obviously, it being painted by Da Vinci probably makes it a pretty attractive, appealing piece of art, too. Yeah. Because of his legacy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it feels like it's not like it used to be, the way that cinema would dominate culture. It doesn't feel the same anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, Google it. Nothing beats when she saw the magician, though. That was the greatest. Nah. Nah. It's just a trick. You're doing a trick right now. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Has she been before?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a good one. He definitely has something going on. Yeah, I'm sure he is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you're going to start diving in on that now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to be brainwashed. I want to be manic episode.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just throw them out the window?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you deliberately do heads up or no? No, I just toss them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Isn't it $10? It's 10. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It just fucking gives me anxiety. Do you know what happens if you have mouth cancer? Oh, buddy. Have you seen Roger Ebert when he had it? Pull up the image.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You are a mental patient, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you threw it out? I threw it out. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What if it was like $6,000?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What are like, oh, there you go. $7,000 penny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, for the app. Jesus Christ.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The coin has no mint mark due to the... Yeah, no mint mark is a big deal, I guess.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, it looks like it's a letter that's stamped on the coins that lets you know where it was minted. P means the coin was minted in Philadelphia. D, Denver.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So this one is missing the mint mark. And, man. 1983 penny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you're giving people good luck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I forget what caused it. But when he. Oh, come on, man. Hold on. Hit the images.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This means that some asshole wants this penny, though. Some guy's like, you got that penny? I'll give you seven grand for it. It's like, the fuck are you doing, man? That's what you value?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they take basically your bottom jaw. They took his jaw off. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right. Well, I think we learned a lot this episode. I think we did. I feel like this was a pretty good session. Am I just in therapy? This is definitely a therapy session for sure, but I enjoyed it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it was productive, and I feel like we... Donna Rollins is calling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you going to go? Yeah, I'll be late. You want to sign off with your regular Nazi salute, or how do you want to do it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm excited. Thanks, guys, for watching. I'm going to smell everyone. Thank you for listening. We'll see you guys next week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How would you choose to be murdered? You want it to be quick or like you want it to be a real struggle? I would like it to be a struggle. So you're looking at probably strangulation or stabbing, right? That's what would be, those would be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A lot of Arabs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, yeah, I think you were probably in a pretty good neighborhood. For real? Yeah, Paris is a big city. There's a lot of dicey areas in Paris. Do you think there's racism in Paris? Yeah. For real? Definitely.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
no they don't for real yeah they have like a real i mean there's been the last decade this influx of you know muslims that have moved there and there's a lot of there's a lot of outspoken selling the little islamophobes and well just yeah they have their issues man for sure the only thing i notice is that like they're black guys don't wear cool shoes um well here's what this says
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Racism has been called a serious social issue in French society despite widespread public belief that racism does not exist on a serious scale in France. Anti-Semitism and prejudice against Muslims have a long history.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, yeah. You sound like a local. Don't let that guy fool you. He's full of shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's code bears50off at factormeals.com slash bears50off. to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. And he loves it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, I have a... I had a nerve conduction test.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, your French is absolutely impeccable. Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How is it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. So I still have nerve issues in this arm. Really? Yeah. And certain things prompt. That's why these bruises are here, by the way. So certain things prompt it. So they do a nerve conduction test. to see what's going on. And I go in, and this guy's like, so why are we doing this? And I was like, to get an update on how my arm's doing. And he goes, what happened to your arm?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was like famous people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is a cool one. So who has the best smell of those four?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, they're all getting delivered. Yeah, I'm going to get, I'm so excited. Okay, here's some other people out there. So George Washington.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Didn't know that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Caswell Massey, number six.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jean-Marie Farina eau de Cologne for Napoleon. That's what I bought. Winston Ward Creed Tabarum, a bespoke blend with tobacco notes fitting. Ernest Hemingway just dumped a bottle of liquor down his face. And it's American 31, whatever, 131 by Krigler. Oh, John F. Kennedy. Did you buy his? No, I didn't buy his.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everybody should get Leo's. He does pretty well. Eau d'Adrien by Annick Goutal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
my new special lucky is streaming right now on netflix check it out 100
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we got to get you off the apps and into, well, you're alone. So we got to get you into social circles.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why don't you go to massage school or something?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That seems like a... And then just what, we rub women?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, sometimes, like, I remember I did a show one time, and after the show, there was a woman in the lobby. She was 6'4". And somebody was like, oh, yeah, she plays for Team USA Volleyball. And I looked at her like she was a sculpture in a museum. Like, I went up there, and I was like... I just admired her. I was like, Jesus Christ. She was also super feminine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then just be like, oh, I'm interested in, like, anatomy. So, like, you just have a good cover story. All right. I'll try that. Then be like, oops, did I come?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Today's topics, the situation in Ukraine. The market continues to go down, and there's no better person to discuss real-world issues with than my regular co-host, Bert Kreischer. But he is at fat camp. And so as he continues to try to lose 150 pounds... We have an incredible fill-in. This guy, you've seen him on CNN. You've seen him on Fox News.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What does that look like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When's the last time you had a long-term relationship? So long ago. For real?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe it'll progress into rain.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait a minute. This was like a turn on for her. Are you laying next to each other in bed? We're fully naked making out, yeah. And then she's just whispering to you like, I'm on my knees and your penis is in my mouth. And you're like, great, let's see it. Let's make it happen. Yeah, I'm like. Love the buildup. Let's act on that. It's almost like I'm not blowing you right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then wait, after that, it would just be like, good night?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you ever ask her, be like, hey, what the fuck is up with this narration?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's insane. It's insane. I mean, here's the thing. I respect it as like... Part of, like, your sex, like, if she was, like, one of the things she's into is, like, doing these descriptions. But where that's fun would be if you were, like, here and she was there and she told you over the phone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're like, can't wait till I get back. And you get back and she acts out the things she described to you. That's a normal person. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, right? That's a really weird thing. Yeah, she was fun in a weird way. The funny thing about that is that this feels like a role reversal that you see. I would imagine this story coming from a woman going like, this is how little this guy, it's always guys that don't pay attention. You know, the guy would be like, here's the dairy. And then the girl goes, I'm fucking, I don't drink dairy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right, right. I was the woman. Yeah. And then, but she's oblivious, like not paying attention.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. Sometimes it's people's...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Which is usually not how it goes. Yeah. She couldn't give a shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The one I'm alone in. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like their bio don't talk to me if you're not you know what I mean yeah I'm on dating apps it's like under 5'10 don't bother don't bother don't bother ouch which is crazy I think because it's always been a thing where I go yeah most men like we go well I dated a girl that was 5 feet tall yeah and I dated a girl that was 6 feet tall and what you'll find is you'll you'll just like somebody for who they are you're gonna vibe with you don't go into it being like she's only 5 feet no
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, no, really, though?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't believe you. No, of course we will.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, just tell me now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now you have internet sleuths hunting for this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't give out her name. What's the name of the book she sold? Super Successful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, in bowling where we're all bad. Which is supposed to be just a fun who cares kind of thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thanks, buddy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So how did the second round go? Did she switch it up?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Have you ever done that? I think I have, yeah. I also, but I wasn't good at it, dude. I remember one time I was out and I saw this beautiful woman across the bar. Yeah. And I looked at her and then we made eye contact and then I'm with people and then we look at each other again and everyone with me is like, oh, she's looking at you. And I was just like, yeah, I don't know what to do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I looked again and looked at her and I was just like, you know, like really like looking at her, right? Yeah. She's clocking it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and i still was like like what we're saying i'm like i don't say so that she came over she goes hey i noticed you're fucking looking at me like do you want to say what's up and i was like oh yeah what's up like it was wow like she totally did you end up dating her for a little while no Nope. Did you blow it, or was she just weird? I think I blew it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I fucking... I'm trying to remember the only things that have ever worked for me, because it's been so long, has honestly just been...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
not trying to do something just normal conversation like you know what i mean like yeah hi like just literally introducing yourself was like it's sad sound but like it was the thing that led to the best results was just not trying i had a friend who was like one of these guys you see on these like let me show you how to pick up chicks thing and you'd be like oh my god and it would work for him but i think that's his personality like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was with this guy one time at a bar, and he sees this girl, and I'm like, oh, my God. I stand next to him. He's like, hey, baby. And she's like, hey. She's like, how are you? He goes, a lot better now that I'm talking to you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they left together. They just left. I was like, this is insane. I could never put a sentence together like that. It feels really cheesy. It's super cheesy, but it works for some dudes. I don't think I have the chin to pull that off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, but they have to like you back. You're a good-looking guy. You're an entertainer. You're funny. You're charismatic. What's the problem? I appreciate that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but you don't focus on height. You're focusing on height too much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. They don't teach you that. No. In school. Also, another thing is... So many women, I discovered this, were like... They just want the guy to make decisions. A lot of women hate... When a guy goes, want to go out Friday? And they're like, sure. And you're like, cool. Where do you want to go? Or what should we do? Women are attracted a lot of times to decisive men.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Men who go, there's this new show. I want to go check it out. There's this restaurant. I want to try it. Or I love this place. We're doing this and this. For a lot of women that's, oh, you're making decisions and I just get to go along with what you picked. So being decisive is a big thing. I do that in the beginning.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I only remember it because it's completely unnatural to me, too. I was more like, yeah, fine, whatever you want to do. And they're like, no, no, decide something.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm on a break from dating apps and stuff right now. That's good. You're going to go to jujitsu and strangle some chick, and then she's going to be like, fucking A, what's your name?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What happened that night?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did she describe a blowjob to you? Actually, yeah. She described a rim job and a blowjob. You did make out with her, though? Yeah. She was all turned on by you being the man. Yeah, it felt very unnatural.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's definitely some good advice in there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
house yeah it's not held there also no fire insurance you're speaking of editing your ig because the characters are insane dude thank you um and one thing i wondered can we pull up his ig look at that look at that handsome guy look at that handsome guy
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's right. That's my mother. Because I fuck with my mom constantly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
oh you want to go wine tasting no it's not me i don't do that but so isn't it better like because that's what we all everybody who's been on a date knows what you're talking about which is you're presenting who you think yeah like and then after a month you gotta go he's dead yeah yeah you'll never see him again that guy doesn't even i don't drink wine no what the fuck is wrong with you
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's going on, you guys? Isn't this with your mom where she's like, aren't you doing things where she's like, just fucking stop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With my mom, we showed her a screening of my new series.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
dude she was like you can't put this out it was so great and she didn't know there was hidden cameras in this screening room oh that's so funny like tommy she goes you have to tell them no and i go what do you mean it's coming on netflix she's like no no she's like give them the money back tell them tell them no well what was it she was just like she goes you cannot go any lower than you just did
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like it's so disgusting she's like this is not who you are that's a great promo for your show yeah they're gonna use it to promote it so but she went on and on she was like you are absolutely she goes does it just make you happy to be disgusting and i'm like yeah sometimes
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, she's proud, but she's also disgusted. Disgusted, yeah. She's always like, she'll see some guy tell like a nice joke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so some of the characters, let's scroll here. I want to see.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're doing amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. You've never tipped.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've never flown private. Let's hit this. Let's do this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, most people, what's interesting to me is if you have a distinct enough personality, level of familiarity, celebrity with people, and people are doing impressions of you, it's usually seen as a flattering thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow, it's funny that it bothers them, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You scroll down here. Oh, there's RFK in the middle there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just to loosen it up. Yeah, but that also feels like a stint. It's better than coffee. Oh, yeah. Don't take someone for coffee. Everyone's got to shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, what's funny is that I really, I guess RFK Jr. only came into sort of my, you know, ecosystem.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In the last couple of years. And I know that he has a condition, which is why his voice is like that. But I didn't realize I saw a video of him 20 years ago and he's speaking. I didn't realize it was something that just kind of came up. It just came about. I guess.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he's head of the Secretary of Health and Human Service. What is he?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It doesn't seem like it's probably good for the voice. No, it's not very good. It'd be crazy if doing your impression, you induced spasmodic dysphagia.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now you do a lot of times on IG, you do the face replacement stuff. Yeah. Yeah. How do people, how would, like, what is the,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, baby. Wait, so there's Bill Maher Christmas.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's exactly him. I mean, you sound 100% like him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and he has these like... He makes a really loud... Okay. And the way he punches, the inflection goes, the way he goes up and down with it. Okay, people. Yeah. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cool place, Robert. Really cool. Nice knick-knack. Looks like a penis.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love the Elon quality of... It's so peculiar. To me, he's always been... It's so fascinating that somebody who is... You can argue he's objectively the most successful person on earth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you go, I guess they're bored of that because now it's just like I want to be liked and also be told that I'm funny. Yeah. I don't want to just be like what I have isn't enough. I want people to tell me I'm a genius, tell me I'm cool, and know that I'm funny and cool. It's such a... an interesting personality.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My car's flying around Uranus. But it is a really interesting personality. And he also, I always am fascinated by someone who has time for bullshit, like the pettiness, where you're like, you know, if you send a whatever, enough tweets about Jeff Bezos, he's never going to respond to you. Carlos Slim's never going to be like, oh, you're making fun of me?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it gets on Elon's radar where he'll strike back at someone. I'm like, how are you not too busy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. The time management thing is wild of what he's got going on. And I almost don't believe that. And the other weird thing is the amount of fanboys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The amount of people who are like, I'm a, I'm a huge, like their bio line is like, I'm a Elon. Yeah. I'm like, this is who you're a super fan of. Yep. Just, uh, there's super fans and super haters.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That doesn't end well, that Amy Winehouse story. I just saw this guy. He was on our show once, and I was like, what do you like to do on a date? He's like, oh, you know, a girl comes over, and we just watch a movie, just chill. I was like, yeah, that's pretty cool. I go, do you have a favorite movie? And he goes, yeah. And he goes, I like, it was some Sandler movie. Jack and Jill.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's a very polarizing guy. Yeah, really polarizing. I've never seen... People burning Teslas?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tesla stock's been going down. Maybe get some more now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, these are amazing, dude. Wait, do you do Tim Robbins, too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's private. The private event's a lot of time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a cool headline. It says, Tony Robbins filmed using N-word. like we click that repeatedly sorry is there a video of this that'd be awesome oh in the 80s i mean i would love to go to this seminar oh yeah take control of your of your emotions be who you are you want to say it say you are he's like this oh my god that's so and it was like oh there it is
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One of the Happy Madison movies, and he goes, or he goes, my other one, my other go-to is Dallas Buyers Club. And I was like, the AIDS movie? He was like, yeah, it's a great movie. I was like, that's your first date movie? He was like, sometimes. That's insane, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's not 100% okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's the joke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I bombed so hard at private events. So hard. Which was the worst one? Do you have a worst one? I'll tell you the... Well, I'll tell you the most recent one was like two months ago. Really? Yeah. I was like, I got booked for this thing. And I remember I always ask now. I'm like, do they know? They see my stuff? Yeah. They know that it's me. And they know that I'm not.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because sometimes I realize that a private event goes, oh, I know this person is like a capable comedian. And then when I book them, they'll do stuff. that will be right for us. And I'm like, I'm not doing that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm just going to put on my show. Yeah. And they're like, they know, they know. And they're, they specifically asked for you. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And so it was a, it was a convention of jewelers, like a jewelry convention. Do you have a jewelry trunk? Dude, right before I went on, it's in a ballroom. Yeah. And they did, um, Ballrooms are good. Yeah. It's a great environment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Great environment. Nice and bright. Nice and bright, like a, I don't know, two-foot stage. So it's just like basically a platform. They did an auction. And they were auctioning things to support a children in need fund. That's your opener. They were like, how about a three-day trip to Iceland? And no one was bidding. And the lady was like, this is going to help children that are being abused.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she just kept pushing it. And then you would hear things like... Because it's not a real PA system. It's just for the thing. And I was looking and I was like, this is going to be bad, man. This is going to be real bad. And when I got introduced, they're like, give it up. I walked this long walk from like the wings to the center of the room.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To like essentially no applause, which I was like, this is a bad sign. You know, like they were just like. They didn't know who you were. And it's always whenever I go like, who'd you have last? They'll name a really clean comic who's really good. And I'm like, well, yeah, but like he's good for this, for this environment. Or somebody who's like, oh, this person did like George Bush.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like they did a character. And I'm like, sure, that might have been right for this crowd too. And then I got up there and it was... The only thing that got me through the set was turning on them. I'd be like, you guys are the worst. Oh, they started laughing at that? Well, some. And then some of them got more upset, but it made it more fun for me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did a joke and it didn't go well. And I was like, first of all, you are the lowest of the low. I go, you are below mortgage lenders, predatory. You're jewelers. You're the absolute lowest people on the totem pole. And then some of them would like laugh and then some of them would like yell something back. I'd be like, shut up the fuck out of here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're just like taking African children's blood and tears to sell your shit. I was really worried I wasn't going to get my check. You weren't worried? No, I wasn't worried about that. I was just like, I was like, yeah, I was just trying to like muscle my way through it. Could you see the person who booked you? Like how they were, their face? No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know that when I was done, the person that booked me talked to my tour manager who was with me. And he was like, what the fuck, man? They were like, that was so goddamn vile and all the things that were said. And he was like, well, yeah, that's what you hired. You hired this. But I remember one that I remember stood out was I was living in California and I did the Irvine Improv show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it was a regular show. It was a good show. After the show, they're like, hey, come meet these people. They work with Carson Palmer, who was at the time the quarterback for the Bengals. He played at USC, the California guy. And Carson's having this private event, and they want to have a stand-up host the event and do some time. And they're at the show, but they're seeing a regular show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, this was great. We'd love to have you at the thing. And I'm like, oh, cool. So I go to the event, and it's at a restaurant that's But they shut down this one big room. So people are mingling, right? Let's say 200 plus people are mingling in the room. And then the guy's like, okay, let's start the show. And I was like, cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you going to tell everybody it's time to start the show? And they're like, well, you do that. You're the host. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I go, well, at least introduce me. So in the back of the room, he's like, here's the host for your evening, Tom Segura. It is as if
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that's awkward to not go, oh, how was my favorite city? Yeah. It was weird. But that's such a, I mean, it sucks that you had to spend the money to figure it out, but it's such a good way to be like, yeah, I'll never see this person again.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
nothing changed so nobody stopped mingling do you know what i mean yeah so i got up there and i was like all right and i'm just like waiting for everyone to just like turn and face the stage nobody stops so i just go hey here we go like here we go it's showtime and it's just like if you're at a bar on a saturday night and it's just you know loud in there right that level of volume yeah so i look at the guy and then he looks at me he's like we'll fucking do it like you do it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, it was insane. There was three people looking at the stage, and I just talked to them. And I'm like, this is so. And I'm just. It's not even like you're bombing. It's like no one. It's like nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. You're in a dream. I'm in a dream. I'm like. So the funny thing is, I forgot this part. He was like, oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So the thing is, the event Saturday, Sunday is the golf outing. Oh, then you have to play golf with everybody? I was like, am I doing that? And they're like, unless... You don't want your track. No, unless something is... Unless Carson hates you or something. There's no way you're not going to that. So we go through this thing. I'm trying to introduce things. No one's listening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
At one point I go, all right, now Carson come on stage. Everybody stops like a record stopped. Turns, faces the stage, listens with every ounce of their attention. They look at him. He says his thing. Gets off stage, everybody turns back. I get off and I'm like, I don't even know what happened, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, that was more frustration. Humiliation is more like when you're trying, everyone's listening and you're literally nothing's happening. I feel like that's more humiliating where you're like, I'm trying to and they hate me. This was like, how come nobody will even listen?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I remember there's a bunch of NFL players there. And I was like, hey, what's up? They go, that was rough, man. That was rough. I was like, thanks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I go to the organizer guy. I was like, so what time is the golf outing tomorrow? And he's like, we'll let you know. Oh, man. I was like, I'm not going to. That guy was like, I don't want him even there. I don't want him there. That guy just fucking ruined our thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the crazy thing to that for me was I was kind of with the guy like, hey, man, you have to at least have them look at the stage. I'm not going to wrangle him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, pretty, like, I'm down, you know, I think you're the man, you pay for the first date, but for the person to go, let me pick the most expensive place as a first date.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it was embarrassing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we go. Yeah, before you got here, it was great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tony, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It's just epic in its own way. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've got to turn... The last three times I've accepted, everyone's like, why did you say yes to this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because in the moment, you get a call and they're like, they're going to pay me to just do that? I know, you're like, yeah, I can do that. It's like I should turn it down. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
40?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, 40. I don't think I have 40 years left. No? I'm 45. How old are your parents? Are they still alive? My mom's 80. She's alive.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. My dad's dead. He died at 74. My dad died at 60.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's young.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, what's your number? What's your money number?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was going to say $175. $175 million?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Ah, I think I'll work until forever. But I also like working. Here's the thing. I'm not chasing that number.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like doing this stuff. I like doing stand-up. I like making a show. I don't go like, I need to do this because I have to pay this or I need to accrue. I like working.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That just seems like it's the wrong place you went to though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, because vacationing alone makes a lot of sense. But if you go to like a place that is mostly families or like that's a, yeah, that's a different thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like if we're friends. Yeah. That's like half, you know. Friends then you should go half.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, don't stop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What are we going to do?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you're playing this game with Christina?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I don't know. And you had hooked up months before. Yeah. You know who you are. You know who you are. Just, you know. Yeah. Fucking Venmo him. I would love that. That would be awesome if right after this comes out, he just goes, ding.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You probably did the guy's ass, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Three minutes is bad, but it's not as bad as six months with Linda. I think Christina married Linda. She did. I think she did. Oh, I'd eat that guy's ass. I didn't say you had to eat it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Big, deep yoga breaths. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So next time, I'll make you this deal. Next time I go on a family vacation, I am going to message you and be like, this is what we're doing. Are you coming?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, invite me. We'll see what I say. We went to London. I do want to go to London. We went to London. We would have been like, all right, we're going to go to the park now. Do you want to come? I know a girl in London.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you want to have dinner with us? Yeah, I'll be right down. And then my kids would be like, who's this guy? I'd be like, it's fucking Kyle, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And they'd be like, you have a brother? I'd be like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You've seen him on PBS. You've seen him on 60 Minutes. It's Kyle Dennegan, everybody.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You gotta do some paperwork. We can do it. I'll sign literally whatever you, I won't even read it. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Where can people see you? You're a- Montour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
on tour at kyle dunnigan.com the instagram is a fun fun place to live with kyle it's at kyle dunnigan one uh on instagram uh if you haven't yet checked it out see kill or be killed it's out now on netflix uh it's the live kill tony you are absolutely hilarious on it thank you thank you for coming in thank you for having me on one bear one you want to wish best wishes to bert for his weight loss journey
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, a little bit. All right. Thanks, guys. Bye.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, that's a shitty thing to do. It's a shitty thing to do. Unless you're feeling sick or something. I guess. Let me tell everybody, because right now, as of this moment, Kill or Be Killed is out now. It's on Netflix. It's a special episode of Kill Tony. We were both at that and participated in it. Yes, we did. I participated in sitting there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They were just like, just don't, I don't know, just react.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you'll see if you go check this out. It was so funny. It was one of the funniest fucking, like, night's fever dream of a show. It was so crazy. Again, you can see it. It's on Netflix. And obviously, Kill Tony comes out every Monday. It's always a fun ride of craziness.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I feel like it was also, because this is a special event where it's, like, the first time it's going on Netflix, it was in overdrive. It was. Yeah. Of, like... Especially with characters, right? Because, like, the show has, you know, they're kind of the regulars that do their time, and then these bucket pools where, like, random open micers basically are kind of getting to try.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it was a full range. You get the full range of, like, hey, that was impressive. Oh, my God, that was terrible. And some funny things in between. But, like, Shane was Trump. Adam Ray did Biden and Dr. Phil. And you did... Elon Musk and RFK Jr. Dude, it was some of the funniest shit I've ever seen. I started the show in the balcony. I was just watching from the balcony.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How much do you weigh?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was told that you were doing Elon. I was like, oh, I wonder what this will be like. And it was so fucking funny to watch you do these quirks and mannerisms. Yeah, the shoulder roll. The shoulder roll, his accent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And what added so much to it was, A, I was like, I don't know that I've seen someone do an Elon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you had the hat, and you had an outfit. It was crazy. Yeah, he looks crazy. But also the fact that you were sitting next to Rogan, and you were like, this is my good friend.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was so uncomfortable. It looked like he didn't know what to do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I mean, that with the hat is that was you. that was you were there wearing the hat and everything yeah but the no I know the face I look like a fat bastard from Austin Powers it was like it was insane
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is going on? I think so many people, too, were, like, they didn't know, like, you were nailing it. And they were just, like, I think a lot of people were, like, I don't even know what an Elon Musk impression is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, they were just trying to, like, figure it out. But it was... I was absolutely dying. I'm so glad you were. Oh my God. So fun. Do you feel like too? Cause I remember I asked one time, so another comedian who's like really good at, at doing impressions of people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, how do you know? He's like, you honestly just try and you either are like, I have it. Right. Or like, I can't do this one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You kind of lean into it if you can. And if you can't, you're like, I can't do that one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Kind of, yeah. Yeah. What's your favorite? What's the best dating app for you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I like to work out before I come to work. And what I do is I work out, and then I walk to work. And sometimes when I get here, something's burning or a podcast or two bears is already about to start. And I don't have time to manage my odor the way I'd like to. It's been somewhat of a challenge. And I'm telling you right now, this Cremo stuff, this Cremo deodorant is phenomenal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cremo's new signature deodorant scents shows the company's dedication to creating quality products and ingredients, upscales ingredients to fit the taste of every man. I'll tell you right now, this Italian bergamot is freaking awesome. Oh, and Palo Santo. Good, uncommon scents with distinct scents. It's crafted from a thoughtful blend of ingredients.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cremo deodorant enhances the possibilities of men's body care. Deodorant isn't just for smelling good or avoiding sweat. The scent you choose sets the tone of how you present yourself to a female and or partner and or work partner. They help make men smell unforgettable and leave unforgettable impressions every time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cremo offers a wide range of other grooming products, including, I don't have it in here, shave cream, but this is the stuff I love. shampoo and body wash. They've got beard oil. You can find your favorite scent and buy the whole body care for the whole line. And it's awesome. I'm telling you right now, they also have these colognes. I just got into colognes. And I love this Palo Santo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love the name. I want to name colognes. Let's give it a scent. I'll never go through this much cologne. You're saving money on just the... Let's see. Head to Target or Target.com to find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants in the Italia Bergmont. That's the one I like and Palo Santo sent. This is Palo Santo. Once again, that's Target or Target.com.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Aloe or Albert or Skims, sure, you think about a great product and a cool brand and a brilliant marketing, but an often overlooked secret. is actually the businesses behind the business making selling and for shoppers buying simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. Nobody sells like Shopify.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed, and wherever and anywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. We sell on Shopify, and we are killing it. Thank you to everyone. First and foremost, thank you to every single one of you that buys through over here at Birdie Boy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But more importantly, thank you to Shopify that makes all that buying possible.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
so much easier upgrade your business and get the same checkout we use sign up for one dollar per month trial period at shopify.com slash bears all over case go to shopify.com slash bears to upgrade your selling today shopify.com slash bears but i do rye every now and then because it's just such a disaster it's the primo plus though right that's the top shelf stuff i look i'm not doing well on the on these apps really yeah i just be i'm there to pay for dinners
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave. Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, soon. And what it is, is, like, it is, like, you sitting... And literally... telling these stories like the the whole thing i because i was i was i was listening to you explain how you made this transition into this thing but the part i didn't i didn't get like is this just a field you always had an interest in like did you always like stories like this
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Almost like a window washer or something, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Without being in a situation where you get smashed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The same, dude. The same. Like, I am your audience.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm one of the four males, I guess, right? Because it's like 85% females love this stuff. That's what I always read.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He knows it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The winch operator?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
heavily female oh it is yeah because the true crime genre is disproportionately skews female now when you tell these stories one of the things i got curious because it's really well done you you are you're a natural storyteller you convey the story in a really clear um exciting way and you you know you follow you follow along are you looking at any type of script off off off camera is this all memory like are do you research it and then kind of
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's intense, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The one I thought, I was watching your stuff, and I was watching the five guys that went missing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that's like, I watched a recent one, too, but...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The Yuba County Five, that's right. The Yuba County Five, which is the American version of the- The Dyatlov Pass, correct.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, some type of like special needs, but high functioning.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, well, I remember that it was that the five of them basically had some type of, like they're high functioning, but with some type of disability. And- They basically were five guys that really came alive together. Even though they had their own issues, let's say, with groups or in public settings, when they were together, they were great and they loved basketball.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they had a huge basketball game the following day, but they wanted to go watch a game, a college game, San Jose State or something like that. That sounds right. And so they went to the game to watch it. And then it was like, now it's time to go back, drive back like an hour or something back, maybe more so that they could get some rest and be able to play in the game the next day. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And when one of them didn't show up. You know, one of the parents became concerned. By the next morning, all five had not returned home. So they alerted authorities, like, these five guys didn't come home from this basketball game. And making this long story short,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
their vehicle was found 70 miles in the wrong direction up a hill, just parked, which had nothing to do with how they should have gone home, essentially, right? And eventually, one of their bodies is found, but it's found in this- A cabin, right? Like a cabin, makeshift sort of cabin, but the guy's wrapped in blankets. But there's... He had resources. That's what was found.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They found clothes, military food rations, a heating source, firewood, kindling, everything to make a fire. So it kind of didn't make sense that this guy was wrapped in these blankets and had died somewhat from starvation, somewhat from the elements, because he had the resources to be eating. But that's one guy. And then two more were found.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
10 miles in another direction and they had been, you know, eaten mostly. And then, so like these guys were found everywhere and it was this crazy, well, I guess it still remains this mystery of like, A, why did they go in this direction? Is it as simple as a wrong turn? Doesn't seem likely. Odd place to have the car found, just like parked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Didn't seem like, like in the video that you said, the police said it didn't match what would they would interpret as kind of lost driving, which is like usually in the loop or something. But yeah, it's one of those stories where like you hear that story and you're like, God, I want to know what really led to this. But that's part of the thing, right? Those mysteries just kind of sit with you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, well, thanks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, that should happen to me, man. I love these stories. My first job out of college was I worked for America's Most Wanted.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
recap it? How do you actually put it together?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. So that was my first first job. Did you go for that? Did they recruit you? How'd that happen? I did an internship the summer prior when I was still in college and I worked for one of their spinoff shows called Final Justice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I was doing all that and they hired me and I was a researcher. So I would pitch stories.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I'd be like, let's go get this. And they were like, great. So yeah, you just pitch them crime stories, essentially. So I've always liked this genre. Dude, that's great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I mean, but I'm telling you, if you do enjoy these things, this channel is great. Because it's really like... I don't know. I also think part of it is that all of us have limited attention spans now, especially in this day and age. And the stories are very consumable, which is like you might have like a 23-minute video and it has like three stories.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it means like you're kind of like you're getting the – important parts of the story there's still like an arc to it and then there's some type of resolution either just the results or you know the end climax of the story and I feel like you know if you see a video and it says like hour 38 you're like I don't know man it's too much too much to commit to it's a lot it's a lot to commit to
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're so much smarter than Bert. It's so fun to talk to you. Yeah, there is an answer, and that is the thing that, like, the types of stories, too, that always, like, you had another one about this. It was a family where it was, like, a man, his wife, and maybe one or two children. But the wife and the children went away for the weekend.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because he wanted to watch the Super Bowl.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And when they got home... you know, like the VCR was still recording. And so, and the kitchen still had like food, like ready to eat, like a sandwich was like ready to go. And they were like, Oh, he must be, you know, he must've run out or something. This is strange, but he's clearly was like just here. And then he just never appears. And the, the way that the story unfolds of like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think it was a body was found.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then DNA was used to confirm, I believe, right? Wasn't it the DNA confirmed?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On the side of the highway. But like those things, so this guy, you know, he died. Yeah. But those stories where you're like, wait a minute, what's the fucking story is like the thing, right? Where you go, yeah, but there has to be some explanation for how and why he ended up here. I mean, it's almost feels like one of those like, When the person decides, like, I'm faking my death today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. You know, like those stories where you're like, oh, my God. Because, I don't know, we'll never actually really know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What happened to that guy. Which is very frustrating. Yeah. By the way, when you look at the space stuff, do you ever go to, like, NASA IG and just look at the comments for anything they post? All of them are like, why lie? It'll be like a photo. They're like, hey, we just got this image from our... And they're like, why lies, AI? Nobody buys it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're like, god damn. Most of the population is like, this is bullshit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, we have a photo of Jupiter's moon. Bullshit. Why lie? Okay. Cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that Katy Perry? Good Photoshop. Is that Katy Perry? Yeah. You know my favorite one? Because there's a lot of morons, obviously. My favorite is when there's any image of the moon and people go, where's the flag?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like like as if the moon is a football field it's very and like you would know you could see it all it's like it's equivalent of somebody showing a photo of earth and you being like yeah there's my house like no you're not gonna fucking see the whole thing dude like where's the flag obviously fake jesus christ Some good green screen, y'all.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was going to say, it reminds me of... Actually, I feel like when you're a kid and an adult tells you a story, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, nobody buys any of it. That's so crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
AI NASA. I mean, maybe. Maybe it's all a big ruse. Sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, my favorite part about that ruse is the amount of people participating.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You realize seven people can't agree on an appetizer, but all of a sudden we have fucking 40,000 people going like, yeah, we'll all keep this secret. It's cool. Yeah. Fucking, I wish I was that just blissfully dumb.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, it's kind of like you just go, like, tell me... Like, my kids every night are like, tell me a story. And I'm like, I'm out of fucking stories, man. Like, I've been telling you... They're like, tell me a story of when you shit yourself one time. And I'm like, I've told you. I've told you the four times I can recall. And they just want more stories. But there is something about, like, your...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And also the part that they get into like disagreements are like, what's space, right? So how high up? Sure. I know they didn't go as far as our astronauts go. It's basically a trip that a really wealthy person, they can go extra high in a plane. Real high. Yeah. They didn't go to the outermost depths of space. Fucking Pluto. I get it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But people are saying, I mean, I saw this guy who's like, his whole channel on Instagram is like, everything that he shows, he's like, it's a hologram. You're like, it's not fucking... hologram, dude. And he's like, look at the glitch here. And you're like, I don't think you understand how frame rates work on cameras, but that's an actual rocket going up and down. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think they took their trip. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was like, well, you also know that no one was ever going to really be like, celebrate this. These are just 250 grand a ticket. If you want to do this, that's insane. It reminds me of like when the COVID celebrities did imagine. Oh, everyone was like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fuck nobody cares nobody cares about these five and they were making it seem like these were like five researchers that finally got their shot this is for humanity yeah no just five rich people basically that's all it is who got to go up and do this yeah i think that's the main gripe is this is not for humanity this is a rich person's vacation
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I like that they did what universities do when they do their pamphlets. They're like, make sure we get an Asian, a couple blacks. We want people to know that everybody's welcome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no. And they have to also look hot while they're doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Make sure it's a form-fitting suit that shows off your... Like, hers is, Lauren's is clearly bespoke. Like, it fits her so well.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it wasn't, she didn't just pick that one up. They measured her, and they were like, yeah, we got it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I don't know. It's, oh, it even says this. Look, it's a successor to Imagine Video. That's what it says in the caption there. Which is, yeah, that's what it reminds me of. Nice. It's exactly that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Completely out of touch, inaccessible, unrelatable thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Aren't you happy for us?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one is. Nobody's happy for you. You also, we didn't touch, but you actually started your videos doing stories of your Navy SEAL days.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Didn't go over well. So other SEALs, they get mad at like, SEALs who are talking about basically how badass it is to be a SEAL, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
channel and the way you're telling these stories, it feels like. I'm like, oh, I'm like a kid watching an adult.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I guess there's people that do that. But also, you know, you also have the personality. Like some people, it's not in them to do that. Not even because of the way they view the rule, the unspoken rules of it. They just don't have the personality to do that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's definitely true. That's part of it, right? Dude, it is the ultimate resume line, I think, especially amongst males. It doesn't matter if you're talking to a super academic or if you're talking to a total meathead. Somebody says seal. Both those guys are like, no shit. They're like, that's the coolest thing. It kind of is the coolest thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think my perspective on Special Forces also, as I've gotten older, the thing that i i used to just kind of like brand it as like oh badass yeah but you realize that badass is just kind of this broad stroke doesn't really mean much sure the thing that i think about now when i think about because i know a number of seals and other special forces guys is like i go oh this person has like um
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I really think about their mental. I go, they're mentally tough. They're capable of hitting a switch or opening a door in there. That's the thing that I think about. This person will push themselves harder than everybody else in this room. They're willing to suffer more.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can withstand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Your brain was able to keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so for research now, because it feels like obviously there's an endless amount of stories out there, but you still have to get the story. Do you solicit stories? Are you guys just out researching stories? How do you actually get the story?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is what fucks up most people in life, even outside of combat situations. In stressful situations, people don't stay calm. They're not in combat, but it's like when things get crazy, it's like the whole thing is you come out of that usually if you're the one that can stay calm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's fucking nuts, dude. Can you actually, because this is what I was curious about, can you sign up for the Navy and go, I want to go to bud school? Can you just sign up?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't have to be in there for a while as a regular, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thought about it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Oh, hardcore. That kind of sucks, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That takes a little bit of work, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I have a few SEAL friends. My favorite thing is just to get a couple drinks in them because they'll start telling better stories.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, because you're like asking sober and they're like, yeah, and then you go, here, have another. And then they're like, I'll tell you. So we were coming up on this ridgeline and you're like, okay, cool. So my dad was a Marine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he said, you know, there's no greater feeling than killing the enemy. Do you feel like that is also true? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All the toys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One of my friends told me that he was like – he goes, I had a different experience than you as an American because he's a SEAL. He's like, because when 9-11 happened, he goes, that experience for Americans stateside was kind of –
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
universal thing he's like we were deployed he's like so it just it was like you know it was news but you didn't get to and i was like yeah but so what happened he was like oh man they gave us stuff that we've never seen before he's like all this shit that like, you know, you hear about things are in development. He's like, those things, those weapons just showed up and they're like, go use these.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, we just got to like laser beam, mow down places. Like, I was like, Oh, that's pretty cool. He's like, yeah. So my memory of nine 11 isn't like your, like what you experienced. He's like, it was just there. Like, here's all the stuff. Go ahead and use it. I was like, wow, that's pretty crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It's why every, this is like, you know, it's not as obviously as romantic as the movies, but this is why like every dude sees anybody, any spec ops thing. And they're like, this is the coolest. Like, it just seems like the coolest thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that because you're Japanese? Why do you do that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're the all pros.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's incredible.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What was your injury? You said because it was a grenade went off?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you like it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you have a second graphic novel coming out?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where Nightmares Live.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, let me ask you this, because you probably have some insight on this now from having done this for a few years. Yeah. Which is, so there's certainly a segment of the population, obviously, that loves this kind of thing, right? Like I said, I'm one of these people. When I go home and I...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This reminds me of a mission I did on Call of Duty recently, where we go into this home. Dude, I'm telling you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was fucking crazy, man. Like, I had to work my way through this thing, enemy fire from it. It's a very similar story. It is. It's the same thing. Yeah, I guess we're both kind of vets when you think about it that way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, dude, it's fun getting to know you. Likewise, man. Your content, I hate that word, but the channel, it's very fun. It's totally addictive.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I'll watch one of these. I'm fucking 12 into them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm in there, dude, and I'm very excited for the graphic novel, the second one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you can pre-order that book right now, I believe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And, yeah, there you have it. And if you have, you know, if you want to know anything about Special Forces, just hit me up, dude. I'll tell you my experiences, too. All right. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks, man. We'll see you guys next week. Thank you, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
want to wind down i look for i like suspense i like thrillers yep i like mystery yeah crime like these are the things that like i don't know engage me right yeah my wife sits there and she goes what's wrong with you she's like this all you put in your fucking head it's all this negative dark shit and i'm like yeah yeah this one calms me down calms me down and i this is what i enjoy and she's like you're mentally ill you know um but like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's obviously not just, I'm like, do you think they made this show for me? Like the thing I'm watching? Yes. So what I'm interested in is what's your take on why you think certain people just are drawn to these types of stories?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. My regular co-host is having his spine fused. And so while he's out, we have a great guest. If you're a fan of the strange, dark, and mysterious, don't forget to hit that subscribe button like you're slapping the tip of your penis on your partner's forehead. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Mr. Ballin. Dude. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just never stopped doing it. I was watching that, and I was like, cool, I like this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I think you're right. I think also there's a part of you when you hear this crazy thing that your brain actually is like, that can happen. Your brain goes, that can happen to you. That could happen to somebody you know. I don't know. Some of that is like, I don't want to say exciting, but it elicits something inside of you that sparks. You go like, oh, this is a...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it shouldn't be relatable, but all of a sudden it becomes a relatable story because it happened to another person.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's right. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For people that don't know, that are watching this right now, or listening... If they don't know, you, Mr. Ballin, have a wildly successful YouTube channel.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where you tell stories about things that are strange, dark, and mysterious. True. And you have, like, what, 10 million subscribers or something?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's – God, there's – are there stories – because now at this point, you're so familiar with so many of them. You've told so many of these stories. Are there ones that stick with you that, like, you actually think about? There's one, actually.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I do want to hear it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is all about it. Add extra details.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Next week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
Nice. Bacardi's? It was probably well, whatever it was. That'll grease the wheel.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
And I'm just like, oh, this dirtbag let me in. I went back and laid down next to her after we're fucking browning.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
You got some balls, Chubby. That's the goddamn balls.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
I was like, who's just casually in the mood for a cigar?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
You're going to need all this at one time, buddy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
I'll take a bomb and get him a mansion. This guy can do anything. Guy got back to him. He's like, yeah, this shit's too fucked up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
Yeah, they took care of the whole thing. Shout out Fred Beans. Yeah, Fred Beans. Shout out to Fred.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
I'm not Tom Segura. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
It would be weird if it was soon or recently.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
Yeah, I would never do that shit. Ugh.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
Does it say the city he's in? It doesn't, no. That's amazing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
I made fun of your little boy t-shirt. You got your hall pass on you?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot. I've never seen you walk out with evidence.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!
Did you bring him out to see the hallway? Okay.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
Why don't we do a bad friends viewing party at Brokeback? We have to do it. And invite all of our fans to come out to watch it with us.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I'm watching a third season of Netflix's autistic love show.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I'm excited for your episode. Are you on the third or fourth season?
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
It's my nightly watch. It's my favorite thing to watch at night. I burned through it. I'm saving it. Do you know what's so funny? You know when you get something from your mom when you're a kid and it's sweet and delicious and you're like, I want to savor this and I take little tiny bites because I know I want to eat the whole thing fast.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
Well, don't you have to do that before they suck into your mouth if you don't do it, right? Don't they suck into your mouth when you're eating them? We have our own styles of doing it. You do.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I thought of you the other day at sushi. The chef looked exactly like you. I'm not even kidding. He looked exactly like you, and I kept looking at him thinking, I miss Bob.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
This is me setting a boundary. I don't want to hear it if it's going to ruin the season.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
You cook like this at the house?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
This is the beer batter. Why is it brown?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
Don't be shy. There you go. What do you buy that, a whole food? I don't know. You know a truffle, it's a mushroom.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
Why do they hate you so much? They really do. Why do they fuck with you like that? Because so much. What's the start in it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
Du machst es gut, Christian. Ich will ein bisschen.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
I don't even get to salt anything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
Ich bin zu einem privaten Show gegangen. Oh, privat. People Magazine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
Sind Sie ernst?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
Sie wussten nicht, wer Ihr Sicherheitschef war?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
Pew, pew, pew. Oh, that's so funny. I know. Can we call Kathy out of your phone?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
The way that I always feel like is, you know, a lot of times when you wake up, you have what I would describe as like a fog. Oh, good. It's not just me. So like that fog. Sometimes, you know, you can you carry it like it just it's in the day and you're just kind of like, oh, there's this. But I always feel like that that exercise just completely wipes it out.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You know, where you're like, oh, like I'm actually alert now and I don't feel that post wake up just fog that sits there. That's my favorite thing that to knock out.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So many times. And I always feel like that's such a bizarre, like also for like, I'm not a big napper. Sometimes I'll be like, I'm going to lay down. Like I have a hour window before I have to go do something in a hotel. Like I'm on the road. And I'll be like, well, just in case I fall asleep, I'll set the alarm. And I'll lay there, eyes closed, and I'll look as it's one minute before.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
people know who don't already know, yes, we are related. Yes, we are related. People have asked me so many times the details and I, you know, I was trying to like, because I learned about it obviously later that it was like, my mom's great-grandmother and your father's great-grandmother We're first cousins. They're both Basque, so northern Spain cousins.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Well, hi. Sometimes you listen to them later and you're like, holy shit. Are you a cannabis user? I mean, sometimes. I'm not like a heavy user. But a lot of times at night, if you take something and you go to sleep, you're trying to go to sleep, your brain's like, nah, I got ideas. Is that right? Oh, yeah. I haven't done cannabis since a long time ago. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then sometimes you listen because you're convinced. You're like, this is one of the most brilliant ideas. Have you ever had great ideas that stick? Yeah, I've had good ones that stick.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Sometimes the wording's a little off, but yeah, I've had ones that I actually do enjoy afterwards, and then sometimes you're like, this is, you can hear yourself smiling, like, you know, because you can tell someone's emotion by their voice, so I can hear that I'm like, dude, that, like. Oh, because you're recording into that voice of emotion.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah, it feels like it's separate from you, right? Because like the right kind of, I guess, dosage of THC, it does make your mind run. And sometimes you have less self-awareness. It's just like the nice way to think about it is that your brain always puts things on a shelf first. for you to get through your day. Like things that make you uncomfortable even, right?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like there's things that you go like, I don't want to think about that. And then THC, I think in the right doses, just goes, here it is. Like it puts it in front of you. Sounds terrible. It can be terrible. Sounds awful. That can be like...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
often what like too much is where you can get into like paranoia but i think if you have a dosage that is not too strong so it's not like uncomfortable it just lets the mind run it's like stream of consciousness happens and so when that's happening i feel like you go oh this is a this is a like it feels like a new thought a new or a new perspective on something and you go this is
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then, you know, generations later, they moved to South America, yours to Argentina, mine to Peru, and that's how we're cousins. Yeah. I guess distant cousins. And my dad was on the podcast a little while ago. How did that go? Because I remember we talked about him coming on.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It makes you laugh. You say, oh, this is an idea. I should take this on stage. Because I think for me, a lot of the thing is here's the kernel of the idea. And then it's not so much I'm going to write out long form how to do it. It's like that's the idea. Take it on stage. So you don't actually write things out full form? No, I don't write them out full form.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then I just go on stage with the kernel of the idea that I kind of have – a blueprint of like, well, here's what I'm sort of going to try to attack and then see what happens as I speak it. Because the other way that I, like my favorite way to write comedy for standup is through, is conversations. In other words, we're talking and I say something and I,
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I either go like, oh, I should say that on stage or I just find that I'm naturally riffing on it and like making you laugh. And then I go, I should try that on stage because everything is like it's either it's funny here. Is it funny there? That's kind of like how your mind operates, right? Like I this is funny in this context. Is it funny in the performing context? Yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Is that typical of... I think there's, like, there's different, you know, camps of it, right? Like, also, there's so many different... Stand-up is so popular that there's all these different styles. And, like, you know, there's, like, set-up punch guys. Like... what you would call almost, like, pure joke writers. Sam Murill, Dave Attell, Mark Norman.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Those guys, I feel like, dude, they do a lot of, like, here is a... It's the economy of words. It's, like, clear premise set up. And then, boom, punchline.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So there's like some of those are – especially when you feel like they're quite short, if it's like over quickly, that's going to – a lot of times be something that you knew, I'm going to say it exactly like this. It's like the most traditional form of a joke. Here's the setup, here's the punchline.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And, like, I've written jokes like that in stand-up, but I do a lot more, you know, long form, I think, like storytelling stuff. And so, you know, to write that all out, I feel like you almost... You almost get in your own way because you're just like... Because then what happens is what you write and what you say, it's never quite the same.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So you kind of go through what you think is funny about what happened. And then you take that on stage. And then... you take that on stage and maybe in a room with like 80 or a hundred people. And then, you know, that's the nice thing about standup is you learn right away if that shit is funny or not.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like people are laughing hard and you're like, and that's what's such a rush because you go, this was an idea, this thing happened, you try it, it works. It's like, it's a really euphoric feeling. And then if it doesn't, you know, that's when like kind of the, um, I guess like the real work of it comes in.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Because then you're trying to figure out, you're like, especially if you're like married to the idea, if you're like, this is funny, but it didn't work. So then you start thinking about, is there not enough information for it to work? Is that the problem? Is there too much? Because we always say like trim the fat.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like if you have too much stuff in there that is not getting laughs, it's like maybe just omit some of this information, right? So that becomes like, okay, I'll go back. And instead of saying this is like useless information, it's not adding to what's funny or whatever. It's not adding to the story I'm telling. You start dropping that. And so you start experimenting.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then sometimes you just get into like, okay, is the actual line that I'm saying accurate? the problem is it, is it that that's not a good enough joke line? And then you start experimenting with that. And then sometimes you figure it out, which is again, like such an amazing feeling where you go, this used to not work and now it works.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then sometimes you just got to go, fuck man, it's just doesn't work. You just have to abandon it. Yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Uh, well you, you kind of have it all in your head. And then I was going to show you, like, I have this that's I'll, I'll look at this like before I go on stage. Right. Which is like Tom's showing, we can get a photo of this.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah, that's a set list for an hour.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Well, what's interesting is another way I think comedians would look at it is you kind of start to go, these are 15-minute chunks. So when you do an hour, a lot of comics think of it as four 15-minute chunks, right? So you go like, okay, this is kind of like setting the table chunk. This is like a kid's family chunk. This is commentary on social issues or like –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
things that i'm doing or in or consuming and then your last chunk is like i always feel like you want to get into like your some of your uh more um i don't know wilder takes like after the audience has gotten to know you and like trust you they're like okay is that way you can kind of like push it more the further into their set you are yeah so you just kind of break it down Yeah, very different.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Still working. Wow. Yeah, 81, still working. Look at our different sides of the, your dad is a theoretical physicist and my mom plays bridge.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You know, that's a good question. I really feel like when you ask me that question, do you know the first person that I think of is actually Rick Rubin? And this is why I was I remember reading that book he put out, Creative Act. And he was like, there's something about I'm paraphrasing here, but about like having your antenna up. Like, in other words, you still put out something.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
some part of you puts out the signal, so to speak, that you're not like going, I need to find something funny, but you're putting your brain in the mode of that, right? And you can also choose not to. And I think there's times where you go like, oh, wow, I haven't thought of any, like, I haven't looked at anything with, like, a humorous perspective today or for whatever, how many hours.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And it's almost like that can shift either by you consciously making an effort to do it or by the company you keep. Because, like, obviously, if you're hanging out with comedians, people, it's like just by being around them, your brain just – shift to, like, joke mode. You know what I mean? Like, you're just... You're thinking in those terms.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Or if you're working on something, like you're writing a script or something, your brain is, like, actively... Even when you're not trying to, it's, like, thinking of that story and thinking of jokes for the story. So... The answer is like, you know, depending on the day, it can be like all day you're just like joking, joking, joking.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And like you're just in my case, like, you know, saying mostly like awful things because that's what makes me laugh. I think, you know, I mean, like whether it's with friends or family, just like trying to make yourself laugh, really. And then there's days where it's like. You know, you're in like a completely serious mindset where you're like, nothing humorous is occurring to me at all.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You know... Early on, I remember like we would have conversations where I was – it was more like the fact that I would – I remember I'd pitch like a joke idea and she would be like, that's fucking awful. And then I told her, I go, you know, whenever you think something is awful, I know it's going to be good on stage. And she was like, that's horrible to say. I was like, no, it's true.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like if you have disdain for what I said, then I'm pretty confident that it's going to work. And it was kind of like that. But no, for the most part, no. And she says wildly inappropriate and crazy, funny things, like often way over my line. You know what I mean? Not where I'm offended, but I'm like, Jesus Christ. Like, yeah, she says crazy shit, really crazy.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
No, I've never had, we've never had that conversation. Sometimes we have what makes this joke digestible conversations. We're like, we talk about a bit and we're like, and then this is, the punchline is like, in this world. And it's like, okay, you got to find a way to say that that is going to be digestible. So you actually look for your own advantage.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Did you play ball growing up at all? No, foot sports.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
What I mean is as a woman, I go, you can shit on women harder because you're a woman. So you should find your way into that bit from the perspective that, like, you're actually... You know what I mean? Like, you're actually... Because, like, if you're a woman, you can... It's like a black comic can talk about black people, right? Like, that's... You're talking about your own.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So, like, we'll talk about things like that. Like, you can take this angle. And then the joke becomes...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Well, the kid of an Argentine, you got to give it a shot. Yeah. Every kid where I grew up played soccer. Really?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I don't – I can't tell you that it comes to, like, the top of my head thinking about that. I know there's been, like – I remember there's a Canadian comic that – and Canada has some, like, bizarre, to my experience, free speech rules. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say comics. I was like – No.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
No, for sure they're not all nice. No, there's some real fucking pricks up there. Yeah, I've met a few. But there's amazing – I mean, you know, obviously you think of like Norm MacDonald and Mike Myers, Ian Bagg, like all these – there's really, really funny – Canadian comics.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But I remember that there was, not too long ago, I'm sure we could find it, there's a Canadian comic that, like, he went after some woman in the crowd. Like, you know, shut her down, said something... offensive, whatever. And he got arrested, you know, and like... Arrested? Yeah, yeah, arrested and had to pay like substantial fines. This is like Lenny Bruce days. Yeah, it's really crazy.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And this was not... I don't mean like 25 years ago. I mean like sometime in the last five years. Whoa. Yeah. So I know there are rules on... So that's like the first thing that I think of when you say that. I also just don't feel like... When people talk about, you know, like cancel culture with comedians or like Elon's stupid fucking make comedy legal again, goofy shit that he said.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's like, what are you talking about? Like there is no – you can say whatever you want to say. The thing you're pointing – the thing you're really trying to talk about is the fact that like people react and you know about it, right? Like – 30 years ago, there were people that hated, I'm sure, Robin Williams and, you know, Carlin. Like, they hated them.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
The difference is they would just tell their friend, and if they really wanted to make a point, they'd get a pen and a paper and buy a fucking stamp and mail them a letter. Like, now you have... social media platforms and people can make videos and like go crazy. And you just hear the noise. But that's not like humanity has changed.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You just hear people telling you that they don't like what you did or that they don't think you're funny or whatever. It's not like they didn't that didn't exist before.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
That is true. It's in complete control of the comedians themselves. Like, you can put up clips of you doing stand-up. You can make... You can do short films. You can do whatever, and you can release it and find an audience, like they say, you know, like have an audience come to you. But I just don't buy this whole thing that, like, you know, you can't joke about that.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You can joke about whatever you want, man. But not at work.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
okay yeah like two mile races were okay um i just did a 5k oh yeah two days ago yeah how'd that go i hated that i knew i had to do it and so i just made myself i was like you know you got to do it so it's gonna suck you trained for it well the training for me is like just get in a bunch of three mile runs right so i mean i would do them purposely at like
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm just saying you know what it is. You know what they are. But I feel like we're talking about in comedy as a profession, like, you know. You can joke about whatever you want, dude. What you can't dictate is how people will react to it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And if you're trying to say, like, because some comedians do this, where they go, this was the joke, and what I'm mad about, and what I'm going to be vocal about and complain about, is that not everybody liked it. You're like, yeah, that's not, I mean, that's essentially what they're doing. They throw a tantrum over the fact that some people are upset at the joke.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You're like, yeah, that's how it goes. Like, either it goes really well, or it doesn't. And you can't go, oh, see, I can't joke about stuff because look how they reacted. You're like, that's how this works. Like, what you can also do is completely ignore that. And if you want, double down on your joke. Keep going. Do a crazier version of your joke.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But just be prepared that not everyone's going to go, that was the greatest thing ever. And that's what some comics do is they go, I can't believe not everybody is applauding me on this thing. They'll liken it to cancel culture, which is insane. Right.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
No, those are great questions. Yeah, I feel like if I'm smirking or laughing at a joke of mine, it's probably organic. I don't try to, like, manufacture one. You still want to enjoy the process of performing it. And when you lose that... enjoyment of performing it, I do think the audience knows on like an unspoken level. There's something about it that doesn't come across the same way.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And yeah, you sense it. And I think typically what happens, what's happened to me over time is if you're on tour and you're kind of like your brain is like walking up to this bit, like you know it's next, and you start to like internally go like, this fucking bit. Like what happens naturally is you start to drop it. And you're essentially listening to yourself.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's one of those – it's like the same way you go – I should – I don't like this person, right? You go like, I don't think I want to be friends with this person. And you kind of like don't return a text or you go, I'm not going to hang out with you. Slow exit. It's a slow exit. And what happens is you drop it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And the great thing about dropping it is your brain goes, hey, you have room for something now. And that room for something also prompts your brain to start thinking of new things. That's how you kind of come up with new material is that you – but you have to – This is the danger, by the way, of these comedians. Sometimes there's these comics who are like really funny, really talented people.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
a slow pace like try to stay as close to zone two cardio as possible just to get like used to the mileage and then we get there because it was it was our 5k like it was I I put it on with Bert and Spartan Race and like it was a Bert did a 5k shirt off the whole thing of course what are you crazy weight vest weight belly I mean sorry bro dude yeah he was uh we give him a hard time because we're still trying to get Bert to quit drinking or reduce his drinking I think he's reduced his drinking a little bit no okay
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And they'll do a 20-minute set, right? You'll be working in clubs and you see them do a 20-minute set and then they murder, right? They fucking kill so hard. And then like five years later, you see them and they're doing that 20-minute set. And what happens is it's like a very natural thing that you just have to deal with is they have this great fear of not killing that hard anymore.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So they don't stop doing that 20 minutes. And by not stopping, they just stop evolving and they stop creating. And they're just like, they're the 20-minute set guy. You go like, yeah, they have that great 20 minutes. And then it starts to get dated. And then, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah, it's a summer hit. It was everywhere.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah. You have to, like... Because you'll see the very best comics will do this. And, like, it's kind of something you have to wrap your head around. But then you... Once you do this long enough, you go, like, oh, shit. The... The most elite comics are completely willing to bomb at these workout shows.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Not like at their hour huge show, but like at workout shows, super elite comics will go up there and be like... I'm just going to do – because they know that you have to be willing to eat shit to come up with something really good. And sometimes you'll watch them, like, bomb, and your own insecurities flare up.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You're like, oh, my God, this is – like, I can't believe, like, all these people are going to be like, you suck, you know? And these guys don't care. They don't care because they know that's – they know you have to train to get stronger, basically.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
is so hard but it's exactly what you're describing i mean like i had this rule i had this rule early on that i think it was i was just lucky that i told myself this which is that i recorded an album um i think in 2010 and you know i you kind of want to get like a special and a deal but i didn't have one so i've recorded an album and i put out the album and at that time you know
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
People are buying these comedy albums and you're starting to stream stuff. And also physical copies are still a thing because this is like 2010. And so this was my work. From when I started stand-up to this album, this was like... The best I could do, right? This was all my best standup. And I put it out and like, yeah, I mean, I had some marginal success with it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like I was selling a lot of copies or whatever. Well, I told myself that even though I was not a ticket selling comedian, that everybody who was at a show had heard that album, like that they all knew it, which was completely not true. But by doing that to myself, it made me go, well, I need a new hour, right?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So I was lucky that I thought that way because I could have stayed doing a lot of that album because those were like really, like really worked out bits that would just crush. But I was just like, I knew that like I wouldn't,
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
move on and evolve if i just kept doing them and that was a thing that i and then i the next thing i did was another album and i did that again i was just like i gotta like drop this stuff and move on and that's i think what helped me and and a bunch of other comics who like now we're in the practice of like shooting specials and then you just drop all of it and you go back to square one but like that helps you
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So, yeah, we did one last year in Pasadena. We did the Rose Bowl. And so this time we did Raymond James in Tampa. It's the Two Bears 5K. We had more than three times people sign up this year for Tampa. So we had like close to 8,000 people there. Wow. And, you know, Jelly Roll came out, Jason Kelsey, Tristan Wirfs, like a bunch of, you know, John Feliciano, like all these football players. Fun.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
to continue being creative in standup. You have to just drop stuff.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And it was a very fun day, a very fun event. But here's the thing. Like at the Rose Bowl, the path was like basically through the parking lot and then on these side roads in Pasadena. And, you know, they loop it out and then you cross back basically across this parking lot and you hit the 3.1 sign. At Raymond James, I didn't know. They were like, oh, there's some inclines.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
hysterical also yeah so is there a name for this or how does it no i think i mean i you're right so the the most basic necessity for i think comedy at a very baseline level to explain it or you know define it is the element of surprise right the surprise is like so it's that thing if you go i know where this is going you're not going to react the same way if it gets you it's oh my god
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But that second description of like, is that person going somewhere? I think that satisfies something in human beings, which is somebody saying the thing that we all want to say. And you can't say it. You can't say it. You can't say it in polite society. You can't say it. at a nice dinner function. You can't say it at work. And you're just like, God, this is what I think.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And you know, other people think it. And then the guy's up there and he's going like, hey, you want to hear some shit? Like somebody says it and everyone goes, this is, it becomes a release. It's a release of like, oh, he's saying the thing that we all wish we could say. And you're saying it, you know, it's a very particular thing because it actually is
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It works because you're in that building, too. It works because you all have the unspoken agreement that this is a place to do this in, right? It's still different. Like, if I just walk up to you on the street and start saying that shit, you're like, Jesus Christ, dude. Like, you're a psycho. Lock him up. Yeah. But, like, in this context.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So both things satisfy something, I think, in the humor realm, right? The element of surprise will always be something, like the unexpected. Right. But there's also this like condition I think we live with where we go, we all think this, but we can't say it. And that's a very satisfying thing when somebody says it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Shout out to OJ, right? To OJ, right?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But you're a very good actor. Thank you. Did you train for it? I loved making people laugh. And the first thing I did like in performing was, you know, I did like a play as a kid. I did an improv performance troupe at 14, which is pretty young to be in an improv troupe. I did that for like a summer. And my whole thing was I wanted to make movies.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like I had a plan when I was in college, I would, I worked, I had the communications track. So we would do TV, radio production. And when we had video projects, I would always do like comedy things and everybody would be like, what are you doing? Why are you making this? Like you're supposed to be making like a video about the soccer program, you know?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And I'm like, I was like, this is about like a, this is a capsule you put in your ass and it freezes your shit. Like I would make like diarrhea commercials and they were like, don't do that. But this was the stuff that would make, I was like making me laugh and I wanted to make movies. And I just was like, you know, that was what I wanted to do.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I'm like, yeah, all right. Did we get there? It's all in the stadium. And the only way you're running 3.1 miles in a stadium is we're running through the corridors and then up the ramp. Well, the ramp is nine stories up. I mean, you're literally— One long incline. Bro, so you're doing like a quarter mile up the— And then it would flatten out. Then you go down. You're like, oh, this is nice.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then I moved out here and I, I had, I had learned, I knew that At the time, some of these big comedy movie people were a product of SNL and that those people were usually products of Second City or the Groundlings. And since I moved to L.A., the Groundlings were big in L.A. It's the improv school and theater. a performance plug. They put on shows. I was like, that's what I'll do.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I'll just go to the, uh, to the groundlings. And I took some classes there and I, I got through a few levels, but I, I had, I got into standup shortly thereafter that some of my improv friends were like, you should try standup. And I got so hooked by standup, but I, and I also saw a path because I was also like, well, you have to make a living. Right. And, and,
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
The actor's life, to me, is so unsettling with, like, you're on a show, and then they're like, I don't have a gig anymore. Like, to me, the fact that stand-up, even though it's very, very, very low pay, especially, like, as you're getting into it, the fact that you can just, like, keep doing it, like, to me, like, made sense. It, like, soothed me. And I feel like, you know, I kind of stopped...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
training as far as... I did another acting class in L.A. at that time, like, early on. But I always just wanted to keep doing it, you know? And so every once in a while, I would make, like, a short film. Like, I made a few short films with friends or, like, you know, comedy shorts. And I auditioned for some things. You know, I did small parts here and there.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But I never really got to do all the types of things I wanted to do. So this show became like this... incredible opportunity where I was like, where are we going to tell this type of story, this type of story? Because it's essentially a collection of short stories is what the show is, right? And some of them are self-contained. Some of them are two-part, three-part.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But it allowed me as an actor to play all these different roles, which was like so fun. It felt like I was doing like the 20 years I didn't really act that much. I got to like throw in all these different characters in the show. Well, you're a very fine actor. Thank you.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I think it's observed and embedded. And I think in that case in particular, because with your kids, there's this thing that happens where you talk about your kids a lot not on stage. In other words, you know, I'm talking to my sisters or I'm talking to a friend about the kids. So you're kind of like you get this extra –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
practice about them because they are so much something that people always are like how are your kids right and so you're just like oh i got home this little shit came in he was like hey fucking pick me up you know like so you start like doing impression is that that's the little guy oh yeah he sounds like a piece of work he is a piece of work dude he is something else he's like it's so funny we call sometimes we call him little joe pesci because he's just like what the
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then you go up again. So but I was just I think when you're also running with people, you kind of get tunnel vision. Yeah. And, you know, you see somebody you're like that person's ahead of me. Like this pig is in front of me right now. Are you competitive by nature? Yeah, I think so. And so like I would, you know, like I definitely was like I have to beat Bert.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Fuck. We're like, yo, man. Like, I don't say that in front of him. He's six. Oh, my goodness. He's six. And he's like, he's fucking, fucking with me all day, dad. Did he get that from you or from your wife? I feel like it's more her. I feel like she's got those. I'll have to ask her.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
She's got those Hungarian roots where they, like, when I was a kid in our house, there was not a lot of cursing, dude.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Dude. I mean, to the point where we're, I mean, like, I know people, whenever you talk about this, people are like, you're a bad dad. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Like, you've never been around. Like, these boys are, I have two little wild dudes. They're, by the way, I always share stories of like extremes. Like, they're sweet. adorable, loving, wonderful kids, right?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But they're just two little dudes who like, I come home and they're like, it's torture time. They call it torture time, where like, I lay down and then they just get to like, fuck me up. And then they'll think they're stronger than me. And I'm like, bro, like, let me, do you want to feel this? And then I just put them in like, some crazy, you know, rap where they go, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I'm like, yeah. How old's the older one? He's nine. He's nine... Dude, I get home every day. He's like, check this out. He takes off his shirt. He flexes. He's like, I'm going to be so jacked by high school. I'm like, yes, probably. And he's lean. He's got the body for it. We go to the park, and he's just sitting there doing pull-ups, and he'll bring weights. He'll bring weights to the park.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
He's so into it, talking about six-packs. Do you think I could have a six-pack soon? I'm like, yeah, sure. Keep going, man. He goes, why don't you have one? I'm like, just fucking. He's already busting your balls.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
He's just, he's ready to pop back all the time. Always. No, he's completely ready. The funniest thing that he did recently was, they both go to jujitsu. Okay. And... The older one's really thriving. Like he's, he has a skill for it, you know, he's, and he's doing it well moving up. And the younger guy, I mean, you know, he's like a puppy, like just a little, it started when he was five.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
i have to be you have to be john my friend feliciano i was like i have to beat these guys they're both like you know 300 pounds i'm definitely beating them and so that was just like in my head every time i would see like think of them i was like you just have to keep going Um, and then Bert got beat by a guy in a wheelchair. So that was also kind of sweet because I beat both of them.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like they're just, it's just different, right? You're pretty young. And so we're, We're at class, and he goes, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, I'm too busy, man. And I go, what? He goes, my schedule. I go, your schedule? I go, okay, tell the instructor. So that guy comes over, you know, and he goes, hey, how did you enjoy class today, Julian?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And he was like, good, but I'm done. And he goes, what do you mean you're done? And he goes, I'm too busy, man. He's like, what are you too busy with? He goes, I have kindergarten. I have Spanish. I have drums. I don't have time for this. And I go, I'm sitting there like, this is insane. And that guy goes, but you know what? You got to be strong in this world, don't you? And he goes, yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
He goes, yeah, there's no option for being strong. So because you can't have the option to not be strong, right? And Julian's like, that's right. He's like, great. So I'll see you Thursday. And he goes, I told you I'm way too busy. And then he just was like, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm like, okay, dude. He's done. He's done. I mean, I also like. He can really advocate for himself.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
He definitely advocates for himself. I've never been the type where, like, you have to do these sports. I feel like the fun thing about a kid, boy or girl, with sports is expose them to a lot of sports. And I don't want to, like... You know, go, you have to do these, like, whatever sport you like, you can do that one.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Clearly, like, this wasn't the one that drew him in enough, and I'm totally fine with it. It's like, cool, you want to try tennis? You want to try soccer? Like, I'll let him try all the sports. I want them to be in activities, but I'm not going to be like, you have to do all these sports, you know. Meanwhile, they're becoming comics in their mind. Oh, they're, yeah. Both parents are comics.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
They're funny dudes. They are very funny. Yeah. Yeah. And they love to laugh. And it's fun because you see kids, when a kid says something that's genuinely funny and you start laughing, you see that look in their eye. They're like, oh, that's cool. Then you just try to do it again. And if they do it too much, you're like, yeah, it's not funny anymore. You can't do it that much.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Um, Jerry, what's up? Shout out to Jerry. Um, I think he had a little advantage cause those wheels on the way down definitely pick up some speed, but on the way up, it's pretty, pretty bad-ass, you know? Uh, but, but yeah, so like getting in those miles, like was, was the, just like the training for it. And, um, It was, it was a whole thing. And I don't like running.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Do not tell the joke again. Well, every guy thinks he can fight. Fuck is funny and can drive. Those are the four things that every guy thinks he's awesome at. And you're lucky if you're marginal at one. Every guy thinks – you know what I mean? Every dude is like, I can do it. I can drive. I'm hilarious. I can fight chicks. Like every guy has this thing.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then the more self-aware ones go like, I'm not good at these. I'm good at this one. So I'll train. You know what I mean? Like that's – Cross-train. Cross-train, man. You got to do them all. But the funny thing is when you were talking about HM, what I thought you were going to – the point you were making is that you go back in and it's not HM that is not laughing anymore at the funny thing.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's that the person telling is that you lose something. Because there is this thing in stand-up that is like a phenomenon. Like I don't have the answer to. But any comedian you talk to will tell you that this is true. Where you go and you say this thing, right? It might be like your opening thing. Or it could be a couple minutes in and you say the joke, you tell the thing, and it kills.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And you're like, fuck yeah, this is awesome. You know, like your brain just goes like, lock it in. And then the next night you go... and you say it, and it gets laughs, but it's like, it's a little less. And then this progresses, like you keep doing shows, and it's like two months later, and you're like, the thing's like not, it doesn't really work.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And you go listen to like, I think I'm saying it the same way. It's like there's this, like sometimes there's this thing where it's like, there's like a magical quality of like, if it just streamed out of you once, in this setting, in this room, at this moment, There's something about the way that you said it and the timing with which you said it that it evoked all this laughter.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And that for some reason, this thing no longer connects and just it doesn't register. And you try to do the analysis of why that is the case. And you essentially just end up doing this. You're just like, I don't know why, but it just stopped being funny. To all new audiences, it killed over here. It doesn't work here.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like it's not, you know, there's some things you like, if you were like, let's go work out, let's go live. I'd be like, cool. I enjoy that. I don't enjoy running, but I guess that's the best.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. I feel like when you're newer... the probably the typical answer for most comedians would be like, I want to follow the guy that didn't do well. Right.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Cause then like I can save the day, but the longer you do it, you realize that's not actually like you actually want the guy in front of you to do well, even really well, because it does generate this thing of like, this is what this is. We're at a place of doing this. It's jokes. It's fun. And you know, we kind of, you borrow the term ride their wave. Like that guy just created a wave.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And if you can jump on it, sometimes you have to reset. You have to like, you know, you're kind of letting the audience know this is a different thing, especially if they like absolutely murder. Like if they destroy, you're like, whoa, like you just kind of go, yeah, I'm a, I'm a new person. And the thing is, you don't want to go like, I'm scared that that happened.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You just go, this is my thing now, you know, but, but you have them in the state of, This is – we're here to laugh. Whereas the guy who just like ate shit, they are all like, what the fuck is this? And then, you know, they basically dug a hole. So then you go up there being – you're now the person that has to like set the table and be like – So I know that last thing felt like a fucking eulogy.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So now I will try to get you out of feeling the way you feel and make you understand that it's joke time. You'll often start slower by following the person that did poorly, right? You think it's, oh, you're funny. It's now going to go well. You have to like cook it back up. So following the good comic is always the better choice.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So the thing is, the longer you do it and the more shows you do, you've kind of performed in every state. Sometimes you have to remind – I like to remind myself that I'm at my funniest and I'm the best version of myself on stage when I have a silly mindset going. Meaning like just – just like goofing off, like being a kid almost.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So if I'm backstage and I have you in there and I'm just saying, you know, I'm like poking you, not like roasting you, but like, you know, being silly. I can tell you. We're related. Yeah, just like being silly. I feel like... That mindset is like the best version of me to go on stage. And you can forget it, by the way. I forget it all the time, right?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Because I've performed tired, upset, sad, anxious. Like I've performed in every possible state. But I do like to tell myself like, oh, yeah, don't forget. Kind of like get yourself into this silly state. I also like... Like I'm kind of an introvert, right? Like there's some true extrovert comics, like Buddy Burt's like a true extrovert.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And like his green room before a show will have like 80 people in it. And I'm like, what? Like I like my green room to have either just me or like two or three people and like chill energy. But still like it's still loose, right? It's not like a serious thing, but like loose fun. And that gets me into the mindset of like this is going to be fun. I look over my set list.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You know, like, I'll check in on, you know, you listen to, like, what the crowd's like, and you're like, ooh, they sound hot. Like, that kind of gets you excited. But I try to embrace that mindset of, like, let's have fun. Let's have fun. That puts me in a good place as a performer on stage. Do you watch a lot of comedy, like The Greats? Like, do you...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I don't watch a lot of comedy anymore, I would say. As a kid, I think the reason you kind of follow this path is because you're just such a huge fan of it. So growing up, I watched a lot of the... Evening at the Improv, Def Jam, specials, like a lot of, you know, it was also like specials were truly special, right? Because there was like six specials maybe a year. Eddie Murphy.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah, Eddie and Chris Rock and Carlin and like all those guys would like put out a special, I mean, once every few years. And there was only a few places, you know, HBO was just like the place. And then Comedy Central became... The other play, HBO was premium, like really elite, like huge, huge talent. And then Comedy Central was kind of everybody else.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then now the landscape's changed where... You know, we get – I don't know, man. I feel like there's 300 specials a year, right? Like, because you can release them on – they're on Netflix, they're on Max, they're on Hulu, they're on Amazon, they're on YouTube. Like, there's just – you're bombarded.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's great in one regard for stand-up because it speaks to how popular stand-up is and it's so accessible and it's cool that so many people can put out their stuff. But it's just, like, overwhelming. So I'll only check out, like –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I feel like in the last couple of years, I've maybe seen like two specials, you know, a lot of times I'll start a special, turn it off after like 10 minutes to kind of want to see like what someone's doing. But I find, I find it personally hard to finish a special, but I also find it hard to watch standup in the room, like at a club or something.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like I get, I leave, like, I don't mean like I leave the venue. I just leave the room. Like, it's just harder for me to I feel anxious. I think it's really about me internalizing what I feel like the feeling is on stage. Especially if it's not... Like, if it's really, really good stand-up, then I sit there and I go, like, oh, my God, and I enjoy it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Wait, have you always been into this?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But if there's, like, any bit of it that, like... feels like maybe that's not working or that guy's anxious or whatever. It reminds me of my own feelings on stage that are like that. And I don't want to be in that space. So I leave the room and I'll just go sit somewhere else.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's a combination of those things.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
We do feel like... you know, the best kind of experience as a comedian performing is where you feel like the audience is one, right? Like they are one. It's not 10,000 separate people. It's like this is all together. And that's kind of like when that's going as well as it can go, that is like an incredible rush. And the feeling is that, like, they do kind of mold.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's like they started as 10,000 people, and then they just kind of become this one thing. And you're kind of rocking this one entity out there together. Same way that, like, The opposite when it's like really bad. It doesn't feel like, you know, you can feel like, oh, they are together in not liking this. This is one crowd going like, no. You know what I mean?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like that feeling is the opposite of like bombing beyond like emptiness that you feel. But you feel it like they are together. They're unified in how they feel about this.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It sucks. It takes you to a lower place. Well, live is always, it's just such a different experience. You know what I think about? I don't know if there's any science to this, but I always sometimes think about the fact that I feel like comedy specifically as an art form might be the most involuntarily subjective.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Meaning that like, you know, if you look at like a photo or a piece of art, you might go like, I don't like that. And then I might educate you in some way about it. And you kind of look at it differently. And then maybe over time you go, you know, I actually love this painting. Right? Or like music is definitely one where you have like kind of an involuntary response. But I have...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
not cared for music and then actually started to like it more. But I feel like comedy, it's like it's not – you're not really thinking when you – like when you laugh hard at something, you're not like, oh, I thought about it for a while and I'm going to start laughing now, right? Like you just – you laugh. And if you don't laugh, you're just like, yeah, I don't find that funny.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You don't usually come back and go, you know, now that you've talked to me about it, I'm going to start laughing. Like it really is – This experience where you just – it happens without – so your kind of brain is telling you this is what's funny, right? Like it's happening like separate from you. And there's no faking it. Like you're either laughing or you're not.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
If you laugh really hard, it's like this – it's this great experience. But you can't – Convince someone to laugh that hard.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Right. Right. And, like, especially with different arts, right? Like, I mean, literally, you look at the photo, and your brain kind of tells you, right? Like, I just don't feel – like, most of the time, you're not going to go back to that and have a much different response, right? I mean, with comedy, you're not going to have the response. Like, I also did – I did Spanish art history when I was –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
studying in Madrid and they would take us to the Prado Museum and give us like our lectures in front of the pieces of art. And you just, yeah, your brain starts to not just appreciate, you start to fall in love with the paintings and you go like, oh, I feel this differently. That type of experience doesn't really, can't happen with comedy. I'm not going to be like, start laughing, dude.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Listen to how this, you know what I mean? Like, it's just... It is what it is. Your brain, it's so quick.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You know, versions of this happen all the time, especially now because everything's shareable. Where like your friend goes, check this out. And you watch the thing and you're like, okay. Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever seen? You're like, no. They're like, you didn't like that? No. And that's kind of like how it ends.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
They're like, yeah, but he's saying that he's late because he – I'm like, yeah, I'm not laughing, dude. I don't know what to tell you. And then they go, okay. But they had a different experience with it that you can't articulate and intellectualize the experience to someone where they go, oh, yeah, now I think it's funny.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So much. And you realize, too, that, like, you could have a joke about a teacher. You know what I mean? Like, you're just, like, it's part of your bit. You're not thinking of that and, like... You saying that has a ripple effect that you don't realize.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
To different people in the audience for dozens of different reasons, you could have just said the word teacher and the person's like, you know, I am a teacher. And then that's pleasing to them. They feel seen. The other person hated their teacher. You know what I mean?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
They start thinking about like all these little things where you go like, I just said one word about this and you don't realize that it triggers other thoughts in people's minds, you know?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I mean, I feel like crowd work is just part of the arsenal of skills you have over time as a comedian. You have to be able to improvise. You have to be able to handle crowd work. You have to be able to write material. You have to be able to do all those things. I don't go up and do like crowd work shows. Some people, they're like, this is a crowd work show.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But I've been doing stand-up like 23 years. And especially when you're in the club system, When you're an unknown and you're just doing weekends and people are drunk, like, crowd work just becomes part of how you do it. Like, you don't have an option to not... You could just not develop the skill set and then just die up there. But, like, you know what I mean? It's, like, it's a necessity. Mm-hmm.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So at this point, like... I feel like I want to go on stage with like, I want to do X, Y, Z. I want to execute these things. I want to get these jokes out. I want to say these things. But you're never ever to the point where you go, and therefore I am removed from having to do any type of crowd. Because crowd work is usually, it's a response to something happening. You're being heckled.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Somebody's saying something. There's this thing that if you're in a huge venue, You don't want to actually go like, hey, what's going on with you, buddy, right? Because there's somebody up in the 300 section who's like, I don't know what's going on. But the other side of it is you cannot ignore the obvious, meaning –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
If a fight breaks out, if like somebody throws something, if somebody is like screaming and you just go like, I'm just not gonna, I'm gonna act like that's not happening. I'm gonna keep doing standup like what I wanted to do. Then people go like, this is weird. Because this person's ignoring the obvious. You're no longer connected to them in the same way. Exactly.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I will say that like as much as I say I hate running, the fact that I made myself keep doing – I was doing like daily runs almost, like five days a week just of like getting used to the mileage. You know, obviously it becomes easier and then you kind of go like, okay, I can do this. But yeah, I think I get a lot of like mental anxiety about the running.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
They know that there's a disconnect now. You're ignoring that. So that's how you stay in kind of having – you have to maintain the skill set. Some people make it more of an emphasis of their show. And there's really, really good people at doing that. I feel like it's also like – It's more of the DNA of New York comics, too.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I've always thought that the level of proficiency there is really high in that scene. More of a back and forth, you know. Because the small venues.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
He's done that quite a few times. He just rolls in? Yeah, he's done that in L.A. a number of times. He's done it in San Francisco a bunch. I'm saying it's pretty well known. He'll come into the stores. That's his thing? Yeah. Yeah, he loves the stage, and sometimes he'll be up there legitimately three or four hours.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
The biggest crowd I did was, like, a little over 17,000 at Climate Pledge Arena in... Yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yes. The male one, by the way, is hilarious for the leading man of like the 40s and 50s. They were very slender. Now they're like superheroes. They'd be like slender and also like not even very well defined. And they'd be like, this is the stud of the movie, like a guy who's – not wearing a shirt, and you're like, this guy's not active. No, this is like the stud of the movie.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Well, to me, I feel like I would probably listen to most of that with like that mind of – because what happens with comedy too is to be fair to those people is you end up hearing so many versions of what they did. Things that are just derivative of other styles and types of jokes and types of performances.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
That by the time, like, if I heard this guy in 1945 doing these jokes and he's killing in this room, you know, I would go, I'd probably hear the joke and be like, oh, yeah, like, I know this joke. Like, I know ten versions of that joke because I've heard them. So hearing it just doesn't make me laugh. Even though it's the original? Even though it's the original, yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Because I feel like that even happens with, like, well-known comedians. Like if, like I was born in 79 and so like my, Like, exposure, like, I missed, I wasn't, like, really conscious and aware of, like, the Pryor era, right? And, like, he's like a god in stand-up.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
By a lot of people. He's on the Mount Rushmore of comedy. He's definitely on the Mount Rushmore. But I felt like by the time that I heard Pryor, I had heard so many people that were influenced by Pryor that hearing the original version, it wasn't like I'm doubled over laughing. I'm hearing every other version. They're clearly inspired and taking from him.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But so now I hear the original and I go like, oh, I get that that's the version of that. It can happen with comedy films too. It's like you watch Animal House. If you hadn't seen it before and you see it now and you've watched a lot of comedies, you might just go like, oh, I get how this is the blueprint.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Because I've seen so many people take from this that now when you see the original, you'll be like, oh, you're like, yeah, but you don't realize that's the first time it was done. Like these jokes were done here originally. Everybody took from them, you know.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So I don't think that I would probably end up laughing very hard at the pre-Lenny Bruce comic just for the reason I said, though, just because it's been done. I've heard so many versions of it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And so comedy seems different. I think it's different in that regard. I definitely think it's different. I think that, you know, it's one of those things where, like, it's always shifting. Also, like, what's funny? Mm-hmm. it really is directly related to what's happening in the real time. Like in the time you're living in, you can see whether it's from standup or movies,
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
jokes that aren't fun that were like very funny in 1982 in 1995 in 2007 that you go it just kind of shifted right it's like it's not it's not funny anymore like and i don't just mean because it's not like politically correct i just mean like there's this unspoken thing that happens right where like you're laughing at something and then you kind of go like hey we collectively are don't find this is just not funny anymore
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So... Actually, a lot of those things might even strike you as not only like not great, you might just be like, that's not funny at all.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But like it doesn't really do anything for me. I'll tell you, like, this is a very simple example. But like I I can recall that like. 20 years ago, if a guy was in a club and there was two guys sitting there in the front row together or whatever, a lot of comics would be like, what are you guys, a couple? And that would sometimes prompt laughs. People would laugh.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
They would be like, oh, they're a couple. And like today, if somebody was like, what are you guys, a couple? They'd be like, yeah. And everyone would be like, okay. Right? Like it would be like it was considered like, oh, it's funny you're implying that they're a romantic couple. And like I feel like just the way society evolves. Today, people would be like, and? Oh, yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like, no one's ever been funnier than Eddie Murphy, ever. I think he's – like, him and his –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
prime of being funny like there's just nothing he's a he's a total prodigy once in a lifetime type of talent right like so funny if you put like delirious on for a 21 year old today they would be like what the fuck is happening like it's there's things in it that are just they're just too dated now you know i mean like it's just concepts that are he's still funny as shit but like those bits will not land like they would in 83 they just wouldn't
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's incredible, A, that, first of all, that he can access it is great. It is, if you're talking about just like as the art form, like the best thing to do as an artist, any type of artist, is I think acknowledge yourself. and produce with the dark thoughts. In other words, don't act like they're not there because they're in everyone, and then put it into your art.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
In other words, if you go like, I want to fucking rob a bank, it's better if you're an artist to channel that into art, whether you write a story about it, you paint a painting, you write a song, you talk about, you know, as a comedian, your fantasy of doing it, than to actually do it. So it's actually, you're channeling it in the healthier option.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And I also feel like 20-some years of doing this, dude, the best people as people that I've ever met, are the darkest comedians on stage. And the absolute most terrifying people are the super clean guys. Like, really? Yeah, dude, because they don't acknowledge the darkness. The darkness exists in all of us. The Dalai Lama has dark thoughts. Like, it's just... Jung said this.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I mean, it's just the way it is. It's humans. It's human beings. Like, we all... Now, some of us have... not as present and overwhelming dark sides and thoughts, but there is darkness in everybody. The thing is, I feel like what some of the clean comics do is the lack of acknowledging it means that that darkness has to come out in some other way. It just does. So how does it come out?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Well, it might come out in their personal life. Not good. Yeah. I mean, there's very famous cases of don't curse. No. And then, you know, you're doing some pretty dark things. Like, that's a real thing, man. That, like, hey, I'm going to talk about cookies. And where do you put your socks? I can't find my other sock. Like, that's your fucking bit? Talking about socks? Okay.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
What are you actually really up to? Because the thing is, some of those guys... Look, I'm not saying they're not funny. There's very, very funny Clean Comics. Some of those guys... I'm right on the line of like, man, if you just acknowledge some of this stuff, it would be even funnier.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then you don't know how that darkness is going to show itself because it's probably going to show itself in a way that's not so pleasant.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah. I think it's about doing that. Look, I think it's also a natural human instinct to not want to acknowledge or play with – The dark thoughts that you have, right? Like it's you don't want to sometimes because you go, that's an ugly side. And I don't want to I don't want to use that for my art or even acknowledge that it's there.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But I think it's definitely the better way to go is to actually work with it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I think it's a combination of things. I feel like, you know, a lot of comedians, like that world pulls from – Certainly people with traumatic backgrounds. There's a lot of mental health issues with comedians. There's a lot of clinically depressed comedians. There's comedians that come into it with, like, severe anxiety, for instance, severe depression, different mental health things.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So usually, even outside of comedy, if you're talking about people with this type of mindset, you know, these issues... you know, substances kind of come with that, people trying to regulate and deal with those issues. To also, you know, throw some more gas on that, you're talking about an environment that is a nightlife environment where these things are kind of readily available.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And it can, you know, it can be fun. It can make you feel like you're helping your art form by partaking in these things. And then it's really just like with most things, you just kind of, you see that some people go, oh, right now it's getting in the way. And they kind of acknowledge that, like, I'm better off without this.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And then some people are just too far gone in it, right, where they just – they're addicts. They become – we have a lot of addicts in comedy. It's just one of those factors. Like, you just – you see it a lot, people that are complete hardcore addicts.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So that coupled with mental health things and the fact that we're up late and we're with people that are also into nightlife, I think all that together, you get a lot of substance abuse. Yeah. A lot. Why is cynicism so unfunny? Is it? I mean, I feel like cynicism presented in the right way, like a cynical person can be funny. I think the problem with cynicism is that it's really not...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
ultimately there's nothing hopeful in it cynicism takes away any feeling that like things could get better yeah like in the world of improv the yes and yeah yeah i feel like cynicism like shuts it down well that's true in in in the in the case of in i'm just saying like some people have this cynical kind of take on things that are still like funny people um
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah, if you negate a thought in improv, the whole thing is over. It just dies. You know, if you're like, it's hot. And like, I'm cold. You're like, okay. Like, we're not really going to do this then, huh? Like, you kind of have to like add to it. But that's interesting. Yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah, I mean, if you're a cynical, like a truly a cynical person, because I guess the thing you find in comedy is there's a lot of like faux emotion, right? Like the faux angry. You know what I mean? Like you put on this thing to sell your bit. You sell an emotion with it too. So somebody can like manipulate that cynicism with humor. But I think if you're genuinely a cynical person –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
What you are really is usually someone that like actually people don't want to be around, right? Like the very genuinely cynical person, another way to describe them is just negative. That's all buzzkill. Yeah. So you just kind of go like I don't want to be around that. I think ultimately the best mode to be in for comedy is like you kind of actually want to be like –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
inclusive you want you know i mean you're kind of like right you're saying things that people want to not along with and if you're just like not gonna work out it never does no one's like this is fun man like this is really funny so that that probably i has some factor in it i mean yeah you you learn early on at least i felt like it that there's these really cynical comics
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
But the thing is, I'm not talking about, like, the faux thing in a performance. Like, they are just like that. And you can feel the energy vortex that they are. And you kind of go, like, I got to, like, not be around this guy. Because early on, especially, you rely so much on hope. The fact that you signed up to do this thing that, you know, on paper it seems insane.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like, were you going to tell jokes for a living? Were you out of your mind? I mean, that's what people would say to me. Like, they're like, were you crazy? I would say it worked out. I mean, I got very lucky in that it worked out. And you worked very hard. You worked extremely hard. I did work very hard at it, but...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
That is a thing where you go, like, oh, this is an insane path, kind of, to go down. Like, I can't have the guy who's next to me, who's also a comedian, being like, this shit, you know, they're never going to pick us. This shit never works out. You're like, I can't have that mantra in my head all the time. And you have to, like, part ways with those people. Because they are like a virus, you know.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
They're a virus. Like, so... Yeah, you're right in observing, like, it's not funny. I think it's more like that it's just, it's not productive to be around truly cynical people.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Together? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And do it well? Yeah, there's a couple twins that do that. Okay. Yeah. It's a good observation that it is like the audience is the other –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
you know participant right it's you and the but then like the lucas brothers and the sklar brothers are they're both they're twin brothers and they go up there and because i'm you've probably done something about the twin phenomena like how these guys operate both of these sets of twins together is it is like an experience where you're like whoa the way they don't go like
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Always, like, set up, punch. Like, the set up sentence can come half out of one brother and the other. And it's seamless. Like, it's like when you hang out with twins and they really answer in unison, even though they're not looking at each other and they're saying, like, the same thing. Like, that's how these guys work on stage. And it is interesting.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You know, it gets you where you, like, you have questions afterwards. You're like, wait a minute, did you guys, like, how did you set that up? Because it's so seamless, and they're literally, like, going back, back, back, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and it feels like you had to go, hey, when I say and, make sure you, but it's another level beyond that. Like, they really flow.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Even their talk over each other feels like it's perfectly done. Like this, you're hearing the end of this guy's sentence, the next guy, it's like,
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It does. And I also feel like, you know, my buddy Kirk Fox, he's a great comedian. He always says this thing, like, when he's on stage, he's like, I plan on being open, inviting, you know, hoping to leave the stage a better place. leave the room a better place. But this thing about being open, inviting, vulnerable, it's a very real thing. You learn it as you do it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
You start off pretty much operating in fear as a stand-up, right? You're terrified. You're terrified that you're not going to do well. The longer you do it, you get more comfortable being up there. You realize that
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
If you're vulnerable, if you're willing to be vulnerable, which takes, like, effort and some, you know, some, like, courage, the audience senses this on an unspoken level and will go with you more places and will definitely laugh more and will be, like, basically be on your side, right? If you don't learn to do that, it's a different type of performance. You're basically, like...
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Going up there was like, I'm the boss. You know, like if you're going up there, like I'm telling you what's up, they still might laugh at things, but they don't leave going like I care for this guy. Right. I empathize with him. And if you can learn to be vulnerable on stage, your performances will get exponentially better. And honestly, you'll you'll get way crazier laughs. Yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
That's the thing. That is the main question. Because sometimes, like I told you, people will be like, you know, my friend Greg is hilarious. He's funnier than any of those guys on stage. And you're like, I believe you. And you might hang out with him and be like, this dude is hilarious. Like, he's really funny.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
The difference is that can he be that funny when it's just him with a microphone in front of people and take who he is in real life and be that on stage? That's ultimately the goal for every comedian. They say that the longer you do stand-up, Your goal is to be who you are offstage, onstage, right? Because it's impossible when you start. When you start, you are funny with your friends.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Then you get onstage and you kind of freeze. You're trying to convey this is who I am because what you're doing is you're going, this is how I see things. That's what your performance is. This is funny to me. I'm going to tell you how I see it, and that's why it's funny.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Some guys that are women, I'm telling like just people that are very, very funny offstage, just they can't do that to an audience. They're just they're funny to be around in life, but they're not performers. I mean, there's an element to it that is like, can you get up in front of strangers and make them laugh? They don't know you. You have to. convey who you are in a moment and make them laugh.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
That's a different thing. It's not unlike a guy that kills it At the YMCA, when you play ball, and it's like, okay, well, like, let's put you in an NBA arena, right? Like, can you actually play with these guys? It's a totally different thing. Look, some can't. Everybody who ends up being a good stand-up was super funny to somebody offstage years ago, right?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
They just worked at it, and they were able to translate it. Some people just can't translate it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
That's an interesting question. I thought I could answer that quicker, and I started to think about it. Because I started to think about the fact that, like, so many comedians I know, like, so many go, like, God, I hate people so much, you know? I mean, to put—I'll frame it a little differently than—
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
He's genuinely a curious guy, too.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah. I don't think you can hate humanity and be a good comedian. Right. I think like for sure, you have to genuinely love making people laugh. If you're going to be like successful at it, you have to have an obsession with doing that, like a literal obsession, because you go through these periods. on your journey of stand-up, of being like, hey, I don't have rent money.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I can't, you know, I can't pay for anything. And you have the option, you want to go get a job? And you're like, no, I'm going to keep doing it. Like, you're obsessed. You're obsessed with it so much that you're giving up things that people would otherwise in your position be doing in life because you just are so in love with writing and performing jokes. Like, you know, you have an obsession.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I do think you have to on some level, though, like I'm thinking about it, love people. Because if you love making people laugh, you enjoy people. You could still be... Because so many comics are so bothered by... by so many things that people do, you know, that's like a very normal, like I'm very much like, I fucking can't stand these, but you know what I mean?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Like always just like, look at this dipshit. He's bringing fucking eggs on the plane. Like, you know, like you're just like tuna. Yeah. He's like, you asshole. You're like Tupperware on the plane. Eat that shit at the gate. So like, you know, we're always like, you know what I mean? You're always just like complaining. Complaining is part of being a standup. You're funny.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
If you, if you never complain about anything, you're probably not funny. You know what I mean? It's like humanity too much. Yeah, I feel like if – here's the thing. If you go, I'm good with whatever, you're not a funny person. You can – you're funny if you have a – you either love or hate something. That can be funny. You can love this and it can be funny. You can hate it and that can be funny.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
If you're like, I mean, I'm fine. That's not funny. The mad response doesn't do too much. It doesn't do anything in stand-up, yeah. So, but like – I think somebody that complains about people can be very funny. You just, you can't be like all people everywhere. I can't stand like that. That would be too extreme.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Last night at dinner, I just admitted that I've never seen Braveheart and I've never seen Gladiator. Those are amazing. And guess what? I'm not going to see them.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Fill in the blank. I don't want to fill in blanks for you. Yeah, yeah. No, I think it's – I mean, I can speak for myself. I think in my own case – I was the new kid a lot, right?
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I went to one school for first grade, one for second and third, a different one for fourth, a different one for fifth and sixth, a different one for seventh and eighth, a different one for ninth, and I switched again in ninth grade. So I was a new kid all those times.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And I felt like whenever I arrived, and you kind of like over time go like, you start to develop this muscle for like, how am I going to get someone to like me? And it was like, try to make them laugh, right? Like that became a thing, was trying to make them laugh. I think for me personally, there was also this, just my own insecurities. I think I felt like if I got... enough people to laugh.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And if I became successful at making people laugh and like people acknowledged it, that I would no longer feel these insecurities and it doesn't happen. They stick with you. And thank goodness, because it sounds like it's the, it's the fuel for your art. I think it probably is. I mean, I just remember thinking like, you know, if I were to be like, had a special and I got paid well, then I wouldn't
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
I feel like it's a goal to let my mind drift because sometimes the negative side of it is like you're doing a run and your mind is like this sucks, right? You're thinking about how much time is left and that doesn't produce anything and it's not –
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
have any self-doubts anymore, or like, you know what I mean? Like, you think that, like, then I'll be, I'll feel fulfilled. And then you get the thing and you're like, yeah, no, it's, it's the same. It didn't go, I mean, you start to address it in other ways, because you just realize that the accomplishment or whatever
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
isn't the answer to that thing but it is a thing that makes you you think that it will make you feel complete right and um it's not the case um and i think i do think that like being a new kid a lot is something that i'll probably never
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
shake that kind of memory of just it's you know when you're a kid your social acceptance is so dominating it's different as you get older i think you know you're not you're not like so concerned with like being socially accepted everywhere and you have a family and you're just like this is my my group but as a kid it's like it's kind of everything you know and being new every time like every new school year is like that's kind of it's kind of traumatizing yeah
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It helps. You know, it helps in that, like, you have certain awareness of things now. Certain dots get connected. I love – I think therapy is phenomenal. I would not have traded any of the – therapy that I had. I'm a huge advocate for it. I think it's great. Yeah, it doesn't, you don't go like, same thing, like, now I'm done. Everything's fine. Like, it doesn't work like that.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
A lot of comedians, I spoke of myself, I think a lot of us fall under the, like, the banner of, to put it simply, please like me. You know what I mean? Like, you just go, please like me. I want you to like me. Because that's what you are when you're a new kid, and that's what you are when you walk into a room, and, you know, you just go, like, I just want people to like me.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And a lot of comics might not admit it like that, but it's definitely the case. You're just, you want to be liked. Sounds pathetic, I think, but it's true.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
an enjoyable thing but like if the mind goes if you can let your mind drift um it's less about ideas i feel like in those moments you're you're kind of just you're off thinking about more like life not like create creative thoughts more like you know people and relationships and different and like that's kind of a nice place to be because then all of a sudden you're like oh you know
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Well, I know people use this expression, but it really truly was a dream come true to make the series. Like for real. You know, I made no secret about it that like the reason I moved to L.A. was not to be a stand-up comedian. It was to like make movies and stuff. Like that's what I wanted to do.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So, like, getting the opportunity to make the show, it felt like I got paid to make, like, 15 mini-movies for the series. And, I mean, I've never had a more fulfilling kind of creative experience, like, from writing to producing it to... you know, being in the edits and seeing this thing come together.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So for me, it's like, it's such a thrill to have that experience and to be able to put that out as like something that I made with, with a bunch of great people. The difference standup is like you're alone and like on a show or a movie and You're with like a hundred other people. And it was an awesome experience. And I get to do some more of it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
So I get to do like a movie this summer and another show I got asked to develop. So, I mean, I'm like over the moon that I get to do these things. It's like I get to do them 20 years after I thought I would do them. But it's... I'm super grateful to have the experience. So yeah, I'm most excited that I get to keep pursuing that because I feel like it's been in my head this whole time.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
And now I actually get to act on it.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
of the the human experience so uh you make our lives better and i'm so grateful you came out well that's that's very kind of you i'm also like i should say i'm you know i'm i don't know if enough people tell you but i'm also very honestly proud of you for like what you've done and thank you you know being a a a teacher is one thing but being able to teach so many people and share like i always feel like the most generous person is the person who doesn't hoard information
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's a natural human instinct where people have information about something and they just go, I'll keep this to myself. And so the fact that you share, you teach so much, you know, I pick up things from you all the time and so many people do. And then it's become this thing where, you know, now people are like, what are you fucking listening to Huberman? And you're like, actually, yeah, I am.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
My wife's like, what did Humerman tell you to fucking take a shit right now? I'm like, yes. No, but I mean, it is great that you don't hoard information. You share it. And I think it helps a lot of people.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
We'll do a five-hour one next time. Yeah.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
Yeah. My busiest days, like sometimes I have a very busy day. If I start that day with a hard workout, I end up having – no problem tackling that day. Isn't that wild? It is wild. Because sometimes I'll have a day where I have to arrive at my studio, let's say at 10 a.m. for something. And it's going to be recordings, meetings, pitch meeting, and then leave here, go to this thing.
Huberman Lab
The Science & Art of Comedy & Creativity | Tom Segura
It's going to be the entire day. And if I get myself to the gym and I get in a good hour lift, I come in and I'll notice everyone's like, You look like you're in a good mood. And I'm like, yeah, feel great. And then I'm ready for the day. But if I don't do that, it's a different experience.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
obviously ate a certain way and trained and she looked, and now she looks great. Like you can say that like, yeah, yeah, she wasn't ugly before, but no, both look, both are wonderful.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, it's it's it's all it's it's completely disingenuous and it's all about a lack of accountability. And I think that's the thing about like. When you talk about body positivity, it's like, yeah, you don't need to rip people apart who are not, you know, that are overweight or whatever. It's like, I don't know. I don't think that's very productive for them.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's just going to... Very few people are passive-aggressive, patronized into behavior. Yeah, for sure. But to say, like, this is great and, you know... And then now people are also doing the same mental gymnastics with the term... Like, what is healthy? It's like, you know what the fuck healthy means, stupid. Like, it's not I'm not making up this word.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they're like, well, who is to say what is healthy? Well, we actually have a pretty good idea of what is healthy. So if your cholesterol is fucking 600, you're not healthy. Like, why are we pretending? But people want you to go. Yeah, but like, I can't believe it. A doctor is going to tell me if I'm healthy. You're like, that's the job, stupid. Like, that's what he's supposed to do.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're telling you that this is not good. And we all know that if you're carrying that much weight, you're talking about like. 350, 400, and then the idea that that's okay, you know it's not.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. And, and I thought that was like, that's kind of like the way that's when I started. I was like, I leaned into it more. I remember like, One of my friends came to one of my early shows once, and he was like, hey, man, that T-shirt has a hole in it. And I was like, I know. And he was like, you want to wear that on stage? Like, people are watching you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Also, this rapper is like, I know that she claims to be. Let's not give her too much credit. I don't think she's signed to a label, but yeah. A person who raps.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
A person who raps who was, I believe the thing said she was 392, which is like, not a lot of scales giving you that. I don't know if they went over to the truck stop and figured it out, but she is enormous. And a driver was like, yeah, don't get in here. I think he was worried about his tires. Yeah, he's probably... thinking about suspension, rear axle, and was like, no.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And now they're like, well, she's just shooting for discrimination. It's like, well, maybe the guy has a point that he has a older car.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That is what, that is a thing that people do. And it's like, especially you see somebody who has never done anything before and then they drop weight and then they go, yeah, you do the, you do, you, you kind of look at them like, oh, you did the cheat code. And then you, you kind of dismiss them as a person. You just go like, oh, you're a, you're a shortcut person. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Don't you think they want to see, like, somebody that's presentable? And I was like, no, no. Like, this is... this is the presentation. He's like, that you have holes in your shirt? And I kind of was like, I was sure of it. I was like, yeah, I mean, that's the whole thing. I didn't feel like I was pulling out an act. I was like, yeah, this is what I would wear around the house.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
The crazy thing about this getting jacked thing, though, is people don't know how even the people... that are in Hollywood that they go, well, that person's not on it. They're on it too. I know so many people who are geared out of their minds. And even ones who you go, well, this person had a naturally lean aesthetic before. And so it's believable that like, no, they're on it too.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're all on it. They just never want to talk about it. It's almost like the most... a taboo thing you can bring up for some of these guys even though it's like so obvious and out in the open especially like for people that like are around fitness and in the gym like you just know like there's just tells you just know but They don't want to be seen.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They don't want the perception to be that they took a shortcut.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It would be great. I mean, for some reason, the last place where they're not doing it is Hollywood, which is like, it's all bullshit anyways, right?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's all bullshit, but none of them want to talk about it. And it's... pervasive. It's so incredible how many are doing it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I mean, I got like I have the workplace accidents, barbecue recipes, Italian women's feet, watches. Yeah, I probably got it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because you kind of get there's this trick that happens to your mind, too. When you open your algorithm, you just go, well, this is what it is. This is the world. This is everybody's looking at. Everybody is seeing these. And you're like, this is how we're all spending our time. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
No, just I send them videos and then they go, dude, now they're like, now I get sent like cyclists falling off a cliff every day. And I'm like, oh yeah. They're like, you fucked everything up for me. And nothing makes me happier than like knowing that one of my friends is getting cussed with the same algorithm.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I know. You dive down these rabbit holes on there and then you're like.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. No, it's like, yeah. Like, uh, my buddy Bert looks at like, just like poverty stricken people preparing meals. So it's just like somebody like really lower income being like, this is all I have. And they're making lunch. And then like, he's like, yeah, I'm just fascinated by this. I'm like, what the fuck? And he's just like, and if you look at his phone, it's just like,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
people below the poverty line making meals. It's a feedback loop. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. But I do think that it's, look, it's all part of like, this is why I hate telling people uh, young comedians, like how to, how to do it. Like, you know, when they go give them advice, I'm like, I really don't like giving advice to young, other than do it a lot. Like that's the advice. But as far as like, don't do this, I go, that's not how to do it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. That's really fascinating. It's scary to the way I've actually used utilize the thing a lot on Instagram. The not interested because like sometimes you're like, what the fuck is all what? Why is this here? And you start to like hit that because hopefully just to get like something new. Try it. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Have you done that? Have you done a total?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
No, that doesn't. Wasn't that, though, like a type of experience for you? The fact that you like I have friends that like are really like have done the thing where they. They give the account to somebody else to post. They're like, this is just rotting my brain. I'm spending way too much time. And a couple of them that I can think of told me that it made them so much happier.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So in other words, they just go, here's the password. I'll tell you when to post things. I don't want to have anything to do with it anymore.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, because part of it is that you feel like you're in the game, right? Contributing. Yeah. And also, if you're completely unplugged, then you're one of those people that's just like, huh, what happened? A healthcare guy got shot? You don't want to be that guy. You don't want to be the guy that doesn't know anything. So there is this kind of balance of like...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
do you want to be in the game or where you don't want to be obsessed also with like, cause I, I do this thing where I, I, when I, especially when I'm alone, right. Where you do, you do the cycle. I call it like, like where I go, like, uh, YouTube, Instagram, emails, TikTok, WhatsApp, whatever. Yeah, WhatsApp.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then you just, you're just like, wow, like too, like I, the hard thing for me is when you get back from a show, like we're on, I'm on the road, you've got the show, you're in your room and you're like, all right, it's time to like, I should go to bed soon-ish. I'm just going to look for a second.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like the way to do it is to do things you think you're supposed to do. And then you figure out how to actually do it. Whether or not you're supposed to do them. Yeah, if I tell you, make sure you don't do this, that might keep you from encountering something that actually really sparks something in you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. And that's like, You get into that loop.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. And it's like the second, the millisecond. Correct. Yeah. I mean, sometimes you're just like, like, I mean, when some, it's like, they're like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. You're like, okay. It's like, it's so, it's so immediate.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Was it AI translated all your shit?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So it's a microdose to kind of event.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
The interesting thing is the theories on why, because there's obviously, they have to be theories, right? We don't actually know exactly. Yeah. One of them is that People, the youth views drinking as like what their parents did, right? So that's like... Naturally uncool.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
My fucking lame ass dad drinks. Like, I don't, I'm not interested. And so that's one thing. The other part of it is that this... uh, group of people, uh, that are the youth right now are so much more informed on what the negative aspects of drinking and what it can do to you that they're just like, why would I, you know, why would I object to something like that?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And that they've found this whole other, you know, when you want to take the edge off, there's a lot more options and it's also a lot more accepted, uh, today than it was 20 years ago. Like the idea that you could microdose or do edibles or smoke or, you know what I mean? And then there's like all the, you know, ketamine and everything is like, I have it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I have different things that I do when I want to have a recreational good time. Um, and yeah, but it's, it's undeniable that it's, it's definitely way down.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
money won't make you feel fulfilled. Like no one wants to hear that shit. And then when you actually earn it and then you go like, oh yeah, this is what people were talking about. Like the lesson is not gonna, someone's saying it's not gonna affect you the way that actually experiencing it will.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You don't realize because you interact so much with adults as an adult, and then they'll say things to you. I've flown off the handle. I've been like, what the fuck are you guys doing? My kids will be like, hey, we are kids. You don't talk to a kid like that. And I'll be like, okay, sorry. Reverse discipline. Yeah. Like seriously. And they're like, why would you yell like that?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I'm like, cause you're painting the house. You're putting paint on the house. Like stop painting the walls of the house. And they're like, okay, just say it. I'm like, okay, I shouldn't have to tell you don't paint the house. You're not a painter.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. We shouldn't tell you not to yell. You don't have to yell like that. I'm like, okay, can you please stop painting the house? Cause I have to call a real painter now.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And when, like, do we know when they were, they were about to do this? So they were just like, stop having babies?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Wait, but money laundering benefiting who, though? I don't know. Yeah. Well, it's not... I actually think that's not enough money to be, like, a strong money laundering... 50 mil? 50 million is not that much money.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
When you talk about... Well, when you talk about the grand scale of, like, government funding and, you know, criminal... Like, 50 million is not, like, the amount where you go, like... It's not like... Well, maybe they thought they could get it under the radar.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I didn't know about the IED that that part is if they're like look we can't send you bombs but we'll send you some condoms and you guys know you do your little some helium in them you do your little wizardry that you've been doing it's so fascinating that people can make anything useful for what because you always hear these like prison stories dude where they're like get the fuck out of here
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Well, that's how they're just like, yeah, these guys, they made their shoelace and a toothbrush into a knife. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then, you know, they can't give them anything because everything becomes a weapon, right? And so that, I mean, I would have never guessed that. I thought what you were going to go with was they were just saying like...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
look, you're going to keep having sex, but stop making babies because you just, you know, like that would be the explanation for it. Resource restriction and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, or just like you can't, you don't want to have babies in this environment.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like a logical way to go like. No, no, no, no, no, no. Floating IEDs. Floating IEDs. Touch pipe. Also, because it's like, it's dark in that they, if the explanation is like, Look, on paper, we can't send you weapons. You guys just have this.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And that's our way of saying we support you too. Yeah. We support both of you. Just you with condoms and you with missiles. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then when you get there, you're going to be like, this is different this time. And then you'll be like, oh yeah, this is not.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I have no idea. I'm completely lost. I microdosed this morning, so I don't know. Let's fucking go. Okay.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Do you think that... You know how people are always doing this thing of they're like, hey, the end of the world has to be near at this point? Do you think there's ever been a time when people weren't saying that? No. I think it's always been a thing, right? People always are like... And... I mean, yeah, Trump is like, I mean, he's such a polarizing figure.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I've never seen somebody also, in my opinion, be so transparently themselves and have people react to that person in such extreme different ways. Like, he so clearly is who he is. There is no, he doesn't put up this disguise, right? And then you have people who see it through the lens of like, this is like somebody who's here to save us. And you're like, what? Or destroy us. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's just, it's just, I know it's to, and I understand it too, because so many people hear that and they go, yeah, give me that problem. Give me that problem. Because you're thinking of like your current money problems. And what happens is, yes, that money will solve those problems, but it's not going to solve all of you. It's not going to make you... Much deeper problem, which is inside of you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And so like people see him as like this great, person who has best intentions for citizens and country. And then other people who are like, this is a con man, you know? Um, but I mean, it's just so insane to me that there's both views. The same guy is the same guy doing the same things. Yeah. And it's pretty, I thought it was so clear who he is. Like he just reads so clearly.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
a clear list of actions. And, you know, there's no mystery to who this person is. And people still choose to view it through... It's not even choose, it's just the way it is. Like human beings view this through completely different lenses. It's kind of fascinating. Yeah. Have you ever met him? No. I sat like... Six feet from him.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I had this like... So on his first term, I got 1000% news fatigue from that. When he went out of office, I was like... Like collapsing. And I realized that actually over the last four years, I consumed way less news than I used to. I used to like be kind of all day reading that. And since he's been in office, I've seen... I know about, you know, multiple executive orders.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But I don't even want to get into that emotional investment. It's almost like when you're a fan of a team. Like, you don't really have the experience of being a sports fan unless you're emotionally invested. That's really when you're a fan. Unless it could ruin your day. Yeah, it has to ruin your day. Otherwise, you're not really a fan. And...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yes, you know, obviously, like, I live in this country. I want things to go well here. I'm hoping for the best. But I cannot emotionally invest in Trump news and just what's happening with this administration like I did the first time because it just frankly takes up too much energy and too much time. And I do not... I have...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Exactly. You're not going to be like... Now everything is satisfied. You're just not going to have those bills.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
a number of things going on and I do not want to be... It's also a distraction. It's not really affecting you the way you think it is. You start to hear these things and then you just bark at your friend about it. You're like, you just fucking believe this bullshit. It's not really affecting most people in the way that they think it is and that they say it is. It just isn't.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
In the way that most presidents in there don't really change your life that much. So now I know there's people that are going to hear this and be like, well, you know, it kind of affected my life because X, Y, and Z happened. Okay. So there's things that are exceptions to that.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But for the most part, like what the president is doing, whoever the president is, it doesn't really affect your life that much. You can choose to invest in such a way where it starts to do like, literally, it's like the, the energy of your day went into reacting to to what this person did that you either love or hate. And it's like, I can't do it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It reminds me of like the fear of conversations. Like confrontation. Like when you go, Chris did something. I don't want to talk to him about it. But like, fuck. And you start to, like, play in your head all the ways that it could go. You know what I mean? And you have, like, this anxiety building inside of you of, like... And you start to avoid and avoid and avoid.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then it's just, like, just have the conversation. And then you realize that the worry about the conversation is worse than the conversation itself, right? Like, everything leading up to that, it's all in your head. But I don't want to have... all this exercise in my mind where I'm just like so emotionally drained by what the president was doing, you know?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like, I feel that as a distraction.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like you learn... That you can actually, if you're in your 20s, you can start, you know, I think, get into the practice of, like, you learn that, like, having... Because conversations are a thing that I think really make people scared. Communicating with people about, like, what you want, what you need. Like, those types of things...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Those aren't inherently, you're not just like good at that. You have to get into it. And like the younger you can get into the practice of doing it, this is what I think, this is how I feel. Oh my God, you're in a totally different group. You're in a totally different group than the people who... you know, repress and just shut down. Like, I mean, that's how I was built.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Just like, just don't talk about it. Don't talk.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You just shut down. And then, yeah, that's going to show itself somewhere else.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I resent you for not... knowing my thoughts is what you're doing.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
If we were really friends and that's, you would have known that that is an unrealistic expectation to put on somebody.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And sometimes the, the, it's you that needs to go like, Oh yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. I mean, so I mean, some people like you really can put that work in. you can realize that earlier in life. This is, there's actually like a similar thing, I think for like health and fitness, which we were talking about, which is like, they're not tied to communication, but you realize that there are some people who they get it kind of beat into them, how important that is young.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they, they stay, they stick with it. And look, man, it's a lot I want to say it's easy, but it's easier to stay and maintain in your good health and fitness than it is to get way out of it and go back there. So like if you're a young person and you are, you know, one of my friends said one time, he goes, you know, I've never been out of shape.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You know, like I was training as a teen and he's like, I've just never been out of shape. I'm like, oh yeah. Like he's like, so I just make that that priority. That's a way better thing. And I think there's a parallel for learning how to communicate about yourself. If you can work on those skills of like,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
standing up for yourself, learning to talk about things that are bothering you or feeling or whatever, and you can maintain and build on that in a younger age, you're way ahead. You're way ahead. Was that assertiveness something that you struggled with when you were younger? A thousand percent. I mean, I didn't have a good model for it, honestly. I think my dad was somebody that just like...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
he was a just kind of shut down and take it. And so I kind of, I feel like I was just like, oh, like if something is bothering you, you just kind of just deal with it. Yeah. Yeah. You just deal with it. And I think I totally modeled that behavior, you know, of just, okay. Like just, just push it down. So yeah, it took years, I think of,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Oh, with tons of resistance. But I think that that's... It just goes to show you that is part of the human experience. Like you can't teach some of these lessons. It's also why these cliche expressions exist. And you're like, that sounds like the reason that thing is said that way is because it's true and because millions of people have already experienced it. That's why we're saying that thing.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Of it bothering you enough to realize... Yeah, and then you, of course, explode, right? Because you're just repressing things.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, and then it just kind of shows itself in other ways, but... Yeah, I mean, I've gotten to a place I think where at the very least an awareness of like you have to communicate and, you know, I've become much more assertive and I, you know, say what I want and talk to people way differently than I did 10, 15, 20 years ago.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That makes total sense. I also think that there's something where like, you know, like if you have a friend, like it's more likely that I would advocate for you harder than I would for myself. Way easier. Yeah, it's way easier to do. Yeah. Like, and really dig in to how fucking dare you tell them.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And self-love. Oh my God. The way that you talk to friends about any of their struggles and like how they should see themselves versus how we talk to ourselves is, When I heard that first broken down, I was like, oh my God, like I'm so abusive. I'm a criminal. Yeah. Like it's like, yeah, you talk, the way I talk to myself, like I have much less self-loathing these days than I did.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like everything, it always rears its head and you always, and it's not, I don't feel like you get like, this is done. Right. But it, when something peaks in like that, I feel like it, it has a much shorter shelf life because you realize it's, it's, it is not very loving. There's no acceptance there. And it's, it's ultimately it's, it's not productive.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
What's productive is like taking action on whatever the thing is. So, like, I just feel like whenever, like, even, like, if it's, like, fitness, health, and you're just like, you're a fucking piece of shit sitting around doing nothing. Look at this fucking gut or whatever it is. It doesn't really... I could sit in that if I wanted to, and I have before for a long time.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But it's just like, no, it's like today, now, let's go, right? Like whether it's what you're eating or let's go train. You just feel like, you know, even with like creative things, you get in these like self-loathing kind of ruts also about like what your productivity is, whether you're writing a script or you're on stage. But sitting in that, you just realize it just –
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
you just fall deeper into it and you just, it doesn't, you don't do anything. The older you get, the more you just realize the only solution for this feeling is just action.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So like what I just do in those moments when I feel that is I open my laptop or I get a pen or I just go to a, get on stage and I go, I'm forcing myself, even if this fucking bombs and like, I don't want to sit in that feeling of like, I suck. Cause I, and also like, I wouldn't do it to you, right? Like if you were like, I suck, I wouldn't be like, you know, you do suck, man.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But... Again, no one wants to hear it. And I actually don't. The older you get, the more you realize that it makes sense that you need to experience it in order to actually, you know what I mean? Like in order to act and to have it resonate with you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like you should just sit here and do nothing. I would be like, get up, let's go, let's go do something. Let's go train, whatever. Let's, let's work on a project. Like, so you just learn, I think with age and experience that action is like
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
it really is the the big solve i i that's the one thing i would tell i told you i don't like to advise like young artists and i really don't but the one thing i would feel comfortable telling them is like doing something is the way to getting where you want to go.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I don't care if you're a painter or a writer or an actor or a comedian, like, you're not going to achieve any of that by sitting here and feeling bad about yourself. Go ahead if you want to, but the way out of this is by doing the thing. You have to act.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
People get addicted to the suffering, right? And what you need to, what you try to get to is just, it's actually looking at that that voice as almost like a sign you're passing on a highway. You just kind of look and you go like, oh yeah, there's that. Like, I think that's a place you want. And then hopefully one day it's not, it's not even there at all.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's in the, it's in the past, but yeah, the longer you're in the cycle of being productive, the less that voice is there and the less it lasts. And the more you see it for what it is, which is like, it's a nuisance and it's an obstacle. And it's an enemy as well.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. At all. Yeah. But it is something that, again, like, I think so many people...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I already did it. Yeah. I mean, it's... You know, when you're really in it, there's a kind of a freedom to be in like... I'm a fucking gross sack of shit. And you just don't care. And you just eat in bed and smoke. And I mean, I used to go to bed every, like at three in the morning, almost every day. And I would sleep until, I don't know, noon. Like that was normal. I did that for years.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It just shows you like, like all this just makes me think about how complicated the human mind and experience is. It is just it like, you know, when you go to like, talk about like health and weight loss, right? There's so many people who you go like, do you know what to do? Like, do you know what to do to do it? And so many people are like, yeah, just eat this and do this.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And you're like, so what is the holdup? Right? Well, the holdup is that sure, that formula is simple, but Existing in the world and dealing with life and emotions and thoughts is not that simple. And so the execution of this plan sometimes, it just doesn't go as simply as it kind of should, right? Mm-hmm. Being a human being is complicated. It just is.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
We're sophisticated minds and entities in this. It speaks to what you were just saying. It's like, how can you have... so much control over this situation, but not here. It's like, you know what I mean? How can you not know to eat some fucking chicken and go on a walk? It's like, well, you do, but it's just being here is more complicated than that.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because I'm unique. Yeah. And then you... The other thing you just realize also as you get older is that, like, you're so not unique. You really aren't. Like, all the shit that you... All your insecurities, all the problems you encounter, all the things that you think about that you think only you're thinking about, man, that's everybody. Like, it's... You really are in this thing with...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
This was like, is so insane. I, I, it was one, it was like my closest high school friend. And he came to see me, uh, do a show in Palm beach. And I remember, uh, we walked back from, we went to a bar that was near the hotel and we walked back to the hotel and he was like, he's overweight. He was like really huffing and puffing, sweating. And I was like, God, uh,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I was like, I'm fat, but you're a fucking mess. Like, I was like, that was hard for you? Like, we just walked. Like on a, you know, no hill, just like straight down the street. It's like, all right, well, it is Florida. You know, it's humid or whatever. And the next day, I think they spent the night and they were driving back. And so then, and then the day after that, I go, I was living in LA.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I get back to LA and another friend was like, oh, did you hear what happened? I was like, here, what happened? I didn't, what do you mean? Oh yeah. On their way back to their house, my friend's wife was like, I don't like the way you look or your breathing. So we're just going to stop by the emergency room. I like kind of, you know, convinced him to go to the emergency room. He gets x-rayed.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
He's got tumors everywhere. He's got stage four lung cancer. And it's like, And so this is how I find out on this call. And then, you know, I, he goes immediately into treatment. Right. And they're like, yeah, this is, you know, this is basically as bad as it can get. So his brother finds the specialist who treats this particular type of cancer in Indianapolis.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
He's doing like trips from like Florida, Indianapolis, um, I go visit him in the hospital and you know, he's, this is like, I don't know, maybe a month has gone by or something. So he's deep into his chemo. He's bald. He's lost 80 pounds or something. And like, I'm like, everybody's face is kind of like, You know, you can just read it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Doctors, spouse, friends, everyone's like, it's good that you're here, you know? And you're like, yeah. And then him, he's just like, yeah, man, just doing this. And like, you know, I'll beat this thing. And then maybe, by the way, in the summer we can go to this. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm like, oh, he's just like crazy, you know? And I'm like, does he understand the gravity of this?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they're like, I mean, I think so, but. I always told him, I go, I think you're dumb enough to think you can do this. And I actually remember that like when my uncle, my uncle was like a world-renowned urologist. And when he got mesothelioma, I remember my dad being like, you know, he's too smart. He knows how to read these charts. Like he just, he's like, he knows he's gonna die. He knows.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
He just, there's just no... And I say it jokingly, but I feel like my friend was also like uninformed and determined, obviously, to just be like, yeah, I mean, I know this sucks and this treatment sucks, but I'll be fine. And like... Believe it. Believe it. And they consider him... like in this field and, and especially with like in this specialty as like a, a true miracle. And he did beat it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
8 billion other people. And all the things that you think are unique to you, they're really not.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. He's been in remission for, what is it now? Like seven or more years. I forget how many years now. And he beat it and he's, and he's, and like right away, by the way, you're like, he's like, he drinks, he fucking dips, he eats like shit. And you're like, fuck. Like, didn't that scare you into a different lifestyle? He's like, huh?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I'm like, you're fucking, fucking, he's got a watermelon head. So maybe there's just like air in there. I don't know. But yeah, no, he doesn't take like particularly good care of himself, which is a, look, this it's further into like the, the conversation we're talking about, like how minds work is like, I remember when my dad, uh, Also, I was at the same, I just realized this right now.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I was at the same comedy club. This is more than 10 years ago. This is like closer to 15 years ago in Florida. And he came to a show and also didn't look good and was also breathing heavy. Stop going to that comedy club. I know, right? It's killing people. And my mom also made him go to the emergency room on the way home. And he had 98% blockage.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
in his one of his arteries so they did an emergency stint right open up the artery which is like fairly common but obviously like if it's one of those things like if he didn't do that he probably would have a heart attack in the next whatever couple weeks or something and like i don't know when he got out of the hospital you know you feel this relief at the time
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And like the next time I called him, because we would talk like almost every day. I was like, where are you? I'm at McDonald's. And I'm like, didn't you just get an emergency stint put in like for your clogged arteries? Yeah, I know. And I'm just having a McMuffin. Like, what the fuck, man? And I'm like, don't you want to like.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
you know, go, Oh, thank you for this new lease on life and eat differently. And he's like, what? Like, okay. Like people just are who they are, you know, in some cases, like I, I would think, I don't know, maybe it's just like in, in like when I, I broke my fucking arm and tore my patellar tendon.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And I viewed like some of that was just like a catalyst of like, Oh, I need to take better care of myself. So I guess it's just how you're wired, I guess, in a way, right. Where you're like, I don't want to be alone from experience. So I guess I'm friends with stupid people.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like, yeah, like, I don't know. I was like, you don't want to start eating healthier because your arteries are clogged. And he was like, it's McMuffin. I'm like, okay. My friend beats cancer and you're like, how much tobacco are you consuming every day? He's like, I don't know. Like, you know, there's a correlation, right? To the thing that you narrowly beat and what you're doing every day.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Huh. Well, I mean, part of that is probably that those women have like a... a tougher time in society with what they think they need to look like, even though it affects both genders. But yeah, I think that's a temporary solution to this. The real problem, if you read some studies about those GLP-1s, is that people lose muscle mass.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they're losing at a much higher rate than they think they are. Sometimes they're losing 66 percent in a 10 pound loss. They're losing 66 percent of that is lean mass, which is not what you want. Like the one thing you want for health and longevity and strength and all that is to retain lean mass. So doing it the slower way with like good nutrition. And good workout plan is what you want.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I mean, but also, are you surprised? Like we're, everybody wants a quicker solution to something. So yeah, I think we're going to have a bunch of people with gaunt faces and lacking muscle over the next decade is going to be a new issue.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
No, we all, I mean, I think we all have this thing where we can overthink. You can make, like, I remember talking to someone about it, like, for instance, production. When you go, I'm going to shoot something, you can always find reasons. to not do the thing.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Well, this is just gonna be, I mean, it's gonna be a night shoot or it's gonna cost this, or I don't know if we're gonna get the right sound person. And I don't, the makeup is not gonna, like you can just find reasons to not do things. I guess it goes back for me to just, whether you're under thinking, overthinking, just take action in any, you know what I mean?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So like overthinking that production thing is something that happens to so many people. Like I'm using the example of production, but this just happens for like whatever thing they want to do. Career change. Yeah. Career change or like even something pleasurable. Yeah. Talk to the girl, go on a trip.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
We're going to go skiing and they're like, you know, I don't know if I have the goggles and I have to go get them. Like, dude, like, we talk ourselves out of a lot of things, whether it's like production, pleasure. It's just, it's honestly, all these things are just like, it's life. It's like, it's, it's being in the game. Like people, you want to be in the game, right?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Whether it's like in work or in, in your own love life or whatever, you don't want to be on the side. You don't want to be not to like pile on, but you don't want to be one of the lonely people. And those people, There's a lot of reasons where someone could end up in that situation. But one of them is definitely they're talking themselves out of things, talking themselves out of engaging.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I just, you know, you just get tired of everything. So you go, I'm just going to... I'd like to be around and feel better. So you just, you know, it's an always happening thing. I don't feel like it's a thing that you just address once and you're done with it. It's something that you are just thinking about, I think, all the time. You know what I mean?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That is, and as you said it, I was just nodding along because it feels like one of those things where you realize it's kind of automatic. Like it's, it's, it's like, you know, the, the test where they say that, um, then they use every like psychology one-on-one department does this where they have the person carry the books and they drop them in front of, and they have an attractive person do it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Everyone's like, Hey, here you go. Like, it's just, it's automatic. It's in your brain. And then.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
people are people are uh colder or i would say more um inviting and warm and wanting to be helpful to it not to attract to people that's another thing that's just like automatic like if you're in a somebody's like lost and you just go yeah but like the competency is really interesting because i've i never actually heard it's one of those things where it's like in stand-up when somebody articulates a thing that's always been there and you go like no one's ever fucking said it but
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
it's interesting that we have, we do have, yeah, like you feel naturally warmer to somebody that somebody can't figure something out. You, I guess that's kind of like a, in a way that's a good thing where you go, I'm, let me, embrace this, like help. You want to help the person who is seemingly incompetent, at least to a degree, right? Yeah, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Well, sometimes, but then there's a point of frustration with that too. God damn it. But the more interesting thing is the other side of it. The fact that you would... have a perception that a highly competent person is just cold.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
This is the same reason I think why there's all these guys, especially stars, who the one thing they won't talk about is that they're all juicing, you know? It's like this... universal thing in Hollywood. And everyone sees their... If you see a photo or a video, everyone... The comments are all like, yeah, it must be nice with this needle.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because what the thing is, is you're less scared of that oaf. You're more scared of the very intelligent person. It's always been this way. Somebody who's like highly intelligent, part of your brain just goes, what's this person capable of doing to me? That's really at the root of what you're feeling.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You're feeling that this highly intelligent person is either going to be, is going to want to like pull something over on you. They're going to get you to do something you didn't want to do.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That's exactly what your brain's doing is it's like, it's protecting itself. The oaf, the lovable oaf, you don't have to worry about that. Your guard goes down completely. You go, this is like a puppy, you know, like there's nothing going on behind this person's eyes that I can't pick up on. This person just wants to, whatever they say is what they want.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And so like, that's the thing is that we're just kind of protecting ourselves with the highly competent person.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. You, you really just want to like, I mean, the thing is I get so much anxiety watching, this sounds like bad, but like just watching somebody not, I only want to watch really good comics in person. So like if somebody is really good, I want to watch that. If they're not, I don't want to watch. Why?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's just, I think you're feeling, you know, all those things, the feelings of trying to figure it out and the insecurities and like, and also there's tired bits and like, there's, you know, like you're watching a seven year guy, you're like, this is like... the best version of this is not great anyway.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So you don't want to, it's a seven year guy, like a guy who's been doing it just like he's still in like this development phase. And so you just go like, it just makes me, I just don't want to be around it. I want to watch like high level people. I want to watch because it's, um, it's really good. It is inspiring. It makes you go like, fuck, Like, ah, shit. I need to, I need to write more.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like those are the people I want to watch, which I mean, that's my own thing. Right. Like, but I also know a lot of people like that. Like I can't stand in the back of the room and just watch us like person after person go up. Who's like, fledgling and trying to figure it out.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Kill Tony is, well, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And it's like, yeah, dude, if you just injected that, you're not going to look like him. Like, that guy's still... busts his ass training to be just beyond jacked. Right. Like, so, but it's like, in other words, people don't want to, they think that these things are just a quick solution. You still have to work at it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That's definitely happening. It's definitely happening. You...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
it's triggering hundreds and thousands of like bad memories yeah and you just are like and you like you can just see like you you see all sudden you see that these micro movements of like oh i see that discomfort i see where this is going i know what this taught like this is just i i this is bad i want to leave so i i want to leave literally leave the room and then if you tell me like
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
somebody's on stage who you go this person's really good i yeah i want to watch that that feels good it actually relaxes me like i feel i feel how well it could go yes yeah it relaxes me i wonder what the i wonder what the sort of common lesson is there or what the sort of rule is there to try and spend time watching people but you're but you're right on kill tony though in that um you know in those people are doing like a minute and that anxiety in me can build i
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
high in that minute. I mean, I've sat up there where I'm like, and then you just fucking waiting for that cat to meow. And you're like, oh, thank God. Like just, yeah, it's, it's, there's a very uncomfortable feeling. People, we don't all react to it the same way, I think though, but for,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. That's a, that's a extremely universal question. Right. And, and, I mean, my immediate thought is like, I can't help but think about like actually in entertainment, like in what I do, is that you come into it feeling like that. You're like, I want these things. Mm-hmm.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then you have representation, but you view representation as like mom and dad, which is not how you're supposed to do it. How so? Because you're young and you go like, can I? Is it okay? Would you approve of me? Do you think I can? And then it cultivates this relationship. A lot of young actors and comedians have this like kind of twisted relationship with their first reps, right?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Whether you're going for the, the juice head that wants to be like super jacked or the person who's just trying to lose weight. If you're just going to do the injection and nothing else, you're going to have less than him. Appropriately. Yeah, exactly. Your results are not going to be impressive. But, I mean, that's great that he's training.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Which is why a lot of times people hit the next phase in their life and they change if they can. Because they need a relationship that's more... equal as opposed to like this weird power balance. Yeah. That's not supposed to really be there because it's like with the woman you go like, but I want, but I don't feel like I should say to that person.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like, there's certain people you just feel like you can't say the thing too, which is fine. I think that's a normal thing. You need to then switch the person that you're talking to that you can speak like that too. And that's what happens a lot in
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
our field i would say like that people want to ask for things and they're scared to i was like well then you need to change who you're asking you know i mean obviously you need to get to the point where you feel like you can ask for these things but sometimes you just don't feel like you can say certain things to certain people what have you learned about human psychology through this recent recent obsession with true crime
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
mine recent i mean 40 years vestigial long time yeah um i mean i just feel like crime and you know behaviors um of criminals is a i don't understand how somebody is not fascinated by how other human beings can act i think there's something about crime in and of itself that is so accessible that that's part of, in other words, you can go into the bank and rob it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You've gone in there before, but I'm fascinated by the fact that somebody does that, right? Like I was just there, I'm in line, I see what they're seeing and But like the fact that they do that is... Everyone's felt rage. Everyone's like, I could kill this fucking whatever. Driver on the road. Salesperson, yeah. Salesperson, driver, whatever. But you just don't.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then to, you know... The rage thing, I guess, everybody understands how you could trip over rage. But then when you realize that some people are calculated and they are getting their thrill out of doing that, it's just a...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
fascinating aspect of i think the human experience that there's somebody that's the same the reason i have fascination with dictators and how they can you know you you see certain um similarities between people that commit violent crimes and certain people that are uh super highly malignant narcissists that run a country um But yeah, it's just like a study for me.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like the study in, in how somebody becomes that is what's fascinating. So like you do see parallels sometimes, and then sometimes you don't. And so in other words, like, you know, there's neglect, there's abuse, there's trauma and a lot of people that commit horrible acts of violence, but sometimes there isn't. And I mean, I guess for me, I don't know. It's like, I have always had that.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
curiosity about those stories because i like the story i like learning about what somebody did and i really love learning about how somebody gets caught i mean those those are like you know there's a whole genre of uh books and films just about these topics, obviously. And this reminds me of my wife's like, I can't believe you're watching this. I'm like, you think they made this for me?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like, you think there's one guy watching this? This is a fucking number one show right now. Like, these are fascinating stories. But I think the reason they're fascinating is because it's right there. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you're here and you're like, there's someone who's just like dialed two degrees this way and they're doing this.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So much of them are so similar and the behavior is so different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, I mean, like, yes, I mean, some of it is that you, I think, and you hear some of these stories, you feel fear or you feel a rush or, you know, sometimes, I mean, look, there's even stories that repel you. Like there's, there's a variety of them.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like I, I, there's stories that I don't even, I got to start learning about. I don't want to learn anymore about this. It just depends on the actual story. But, Yeah, I do. I can deeply house a true crime story. Yeah. I like documentaries. I like the limited series on all these things. I watch a lot of them, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I mean, the thing that I learned was that a nutritionist can really, really change the way you view a lot of things when it comes to weight loss. Yeah. So my journey, I would say, is like, it's always ongoing. It's up and down, right? Even like in the last couple of years. Like it's not...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And how does it get here? What's the story? And then how did they... move from this to that. I mean, it's like why I, like, you know, people always talk about like these, the worst dictators as like monsters. And then you just kind of get used to that term, but you're like, yeah, but they're not. You know what I mean? Like, sure, their acts are, what they did was horrible.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You just remember that this, no, it's just like another dude. Like he's just a guy and he was capable of this. And that's, I want to, I want to get like to the real story of how this person. Why?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And there's like a freedom in being like, yeah, I don't care. I don't give a shit. But I do think it has – well, it literally does have an expiration date. I don't think it does. Like, you will die quicker if you do it that way. So I think you kind of just go like, eh, I actually don't feel – physically feel so great after a while.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You're going to do it. I mean, he and his brother Uday and forget his brother's name, but you know, they would like, they would pull people out of traffic. Like if you, if you like honked at them, Baghdad, they would just rip you out of the car, fucking either kill you or just beat you, throw you in a trunk.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They would, they ran around that place like it was all theirs because it was, they would fuck people up, did whatever they want. So yeah, if you're born into that, environment and you have you have like anything you want to do is signed off on. Like there's, there is no accountability. It's not going to, it's not going to create this, this loving spirit that, you know what I mean?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like it's, it's going to, did you expect him to? Yeah. It's going to bring out the worst in you. Yeah. He, those guys, I don't think they ever had a really a chance with being born into that in there with their father being who he was. There was never a chance those guys were going to be, Good chill dudes.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
steady state and like uh midsummer i knew i had this series coming up um to shoot and i was like okay i go i'm at the time i was about 100 days out and i was like you know i can just show up as i am and and it's it's fine it's going to be fine no one's like you know tom needs to be a model for this thing but i was like i'm going to hate myself for not at least putting in an effort
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
What did I most recently watch? I mean, I'm listening to the Real Dictators podcast. I'm learning about Varela right now, one of the Argentine dictators or generals that became a dictator. And then I've been watching... I mean, I watched a bunch of the series... The thing that was fascinating to me about the I was saying this to, I had Susan Hendricks on the CNN crime reporter.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
As we were discussing how like, when you watch the documentaries now about like famous cases that you grew up with, part of your brain goes, yeah, I already know that story. And then you watch these and you're like, oh, I don't remember A, any of this, or B, I didn't even have any idea about any of these details, nothing. Like I remember when I watched the,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
lacey peterson one the scott peterson one i i just had like i was like oh yeah i mean i remember like vaguely this detail or like the menendez brothers i was like yeah they shot their parents I didn't have any recollection about the love, like the abuse that they went allegedly through at the hands of their father. I had no recollection about that.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I, I really didn't know the fact that like their father was so loathed by everybody he had ever interacted with that they couldn't even provide a character witness at the trial for him to speak on his behalf. On a guy that was murdered, who had seemingly relationships with people he had worked with, not one person would be like, yeah, this was a good guy.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Details like that, that really start to shape the story in your mind a little differently. I had forgotten, I could not believe, because they had the interrogation footage of Scott Peterson, just...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
how crazy cold that guy was and how casual he was like yeah this is like the the day they pull him in and she's missing he's like i went fishing and like came back the dog was barking and i hope you find her and you're like that's you're like wow because it's what's interesting to me in that story is that the person is
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
sure cold enough and calculated enough to do this but they're so removed from how they should be behaving in that situation you're like oh you can't even like he couldn't even either lack the awareness or couldn't even pretend to be somebody well i always think about that i mean everybody has imagined how am i going to behave what am i going to do yeah and
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's the same Jean Benet criticism. And it really made me think about, did you watch American Nightmare? No. So this is one of the most... Is that the one next door? No, that was Murder Next Door. I saw that one. Yeah, that's a different one. Or Into the Fire. That one's fucking... That's really crazy.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But American nightmare, the most fascinating aspect of the story to me, which I don't know how to tell it without like giving too much, but like the most fascinating aspect is that on episode one, this guy tells in, he's telling you that as the interviewer, but any, they go to the interrogation footage, he's telling the police of what just happened, which is that he was with his girlfriend and somebody came in and
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And so I had considered like just doing GLP-1s. Have you ever tried them? I did try it once. Yes. How do you feel? I just didn't eat anything. And then I got off of it. I didn't like that. So I considered it for this, just for the shoot though. And I met a nutritionist and I told him what I was doing at that moment, which is in the midsummer.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Tied them up, gave them like something to drink.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And kidnaps her, right? And you're watching this and you're like, this guy is full of shit. Like something is off. He is not speaking to the police. In the way that he should. That he should. His emotions are not reading the way that I know they should. The second episode begins and they're talking to the woman.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And she's, you're seeing her in the interrogation and you're still like, yeah, this is not, this is not. And then when you get through the story, you're like, oh, they were both telling the truth. And I'm sorry, I just ruined it for everybody. But that was like the real, I was like, that was the thing that threw me the most was like, no, I know how you're supposed to behave.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
in a truthful way and this is not that so this is not truthful and then you're like wait a minute this was truthful and that to me was like the most I still couldn't get over it the way that he was talking about what had just happened I was like I understood actually why the police were like This is... It's you, dude. Yeah. What the fuck? And the same thing with the girl.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're like, well, she's full of shit. This is not... It's like the party... And they seem like they're seemingly normal. Like, they're nice people. At least they come across this way when you see them like... in the moment now telling the story, but you're like, the fuck was going on? And maybe it's what's going on is what you were saying is that their systems were so fucking far in their head.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You go, I just, whatever that person is doing is not why I want to watch the person who feels control and, and, and is like, you know, confident, whatever, like the, yeah, at ease. I want to see that. And it's true. What's funny is that like you with the, like the Scott Peterson example, you automatically go, right.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But this person jumping through hoops because they're lying and they want you to not know that they're lying. With the other one, what's so interesting is that he's telling the truth, but he's probably like, I hope you believe that I'm telling the truth because I am telling the truth and I don't know how to.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because what you do is you think about times where you realize someone has thought, are you telling the truth? And you're trying to convey, no, I am. I'm telling you what really happened. And you can see doubt in their face. Like you can see them.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And I go, so I'm thinking about, you know, maybe just doing, he's like, what are you doing right now? And I told him what I was eating and how I was training. He's like, you're not eating enough. So if you get on GLP-1s, you're definitely not going to eat enough. So the thing that I ended up doing was eating way more, but of the right foods. And I dialed up the training and I lost weight.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, that makes so much sense. But people who commit some of these heinous crimes, they're not going to feel guilt one way or the other. But it's interesting that, Maybe somebody who doesn't have that personality disorder, that guilt shows itself if they start to feel the likelihood that they're going to get caught.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Also, we all can relate. We've all been enraged. We've all been enraged. So that's a big factor there.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. With the scalpel and, you know. Yeah. If when somebody when you hear about somebody who emotionally has zero emotion about going in and and tying up and cutting somebody open, that's not you're not like, yeah, I've been there, man. Like it's it's a totally different thing. So that that that person, I think, is definitely the more terrifying one. Fuck, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
you know, in this period, going from the 100 days out through the shoot, like around 20 pounds.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And also the thing that was surprising was that it was... it was more like I was eating so much more. I mean, every day I would have, you know, I would start the day with like four eggs, some fruit. Um, a little while later, I usually train in that period. And then, uh, like a 50 gram protein shake lunch was 10 to 12 ounces of lean meat with greens. Um, another, uh, snack in between. And then
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
my dinners were 16 ounces of lean protein with greens. Right. So it's like, I was like, I wasn't eating like this two months ago. I was having like, you know, a chicken sandwich and be like, that was good protein. You know, it's like, it's so much like my protein intake must've been like, I don't know. I was probably having like
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
40 grams a day, not even thinking about it versus every day then trying to get in 250, 200.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But it does work. It's like my point for like people who are like, They're like, I need to eat. I'm hungry. It's like, dude, eat this and tell me that you're like starving. Yeah, it's just not the case.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I think in your head, too, like you psychologically are just kind of like – uh, there's, there's another way of doing this. Um, that because part of you kind of, I was one of somebody who like, I would admire those comedians that were kind of a mess. So you, you know what I mean? Like you go like, I need to be like this.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're such pieces of shit. And this whole thing has always enraged me more than anything, I think. I think because of the fact that I've struggled with it and I had to deal with the fact that I hated the way I felt or looked or, you know... you hate that your genetics are the way they are, whatever it is.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But I also, I also think part of it's just being a guy and that like guys talk to each other differently. Like, you know, I played sports and you just get used to someone being like, okay, fat ass. And you're just like, fuck you. You know, that's just like the way dudes talk to each other.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And this whole idea that like one of my friends is going to be like, I actually think you look really good at any weight. It's like, fuck off. Like, That's not true. And that's what people started to do. Like, I remember this one post where it was, like, Adele. And they showed her, like, at her heaviest. And then she'd lost a bunch of weight.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I don't know how she lost weight, but she lost a bunch of weight. I think she looked pretty ozempic as well. I think it was, too. And she looked great. And it was just filled. Everything was just filled with, I think she looks great in both. And it's like, no. Why are you saying that? That's not true. Like, she looks great now. She put in the work. And she...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
New series out, yeah. It's called Bad Thoughts. It's on Netflix. It was the most fun I've ever had creatively making it, you know, because it was kind of like...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, I'm not built for that shit. No, dude. Yeah, I was not big boy friendly. Yeah. But, but no, dude, your, your transformation has been sick, man.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Thanks, man. I mean, I think it's probably like, and you know, like anything where it's just kind of what you prioritize, you know, like you think, you think you prioritize things and then you realize that just thinking about it is not a priority. Like you have to do things.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So I think I just put more of an emphasis on training more and, you know, like eating is obviously like such a big thing, especially when you,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Travel for a living because you're just in different cities and you know your man hotel gyms and hotel gyms I mean food is I think For us the biggest thing right cuz like when I started my career as a stand-up doing the road, you know Comedy clubs are notorious for like, you know, it's bad food.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It's not good for you It's like it's mozzarella sticks and chicken wings and and that's kind of and we're there late and that was just like I don't know, I'm 23. You don't even think about it. You just start eating that shit. And then 10 years go by and you're like, you've gained 50 pounds. But you're also just like, and this is what it is.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You just kind of resign to like, you know, I'm up late, I sleep in, we eat like shit, I'm on the road, I'm a comedian, who cares? And then all of a sudden you're like approaching 40 and you're like, what am I fucking doing with my life? You know, like you're just kind of a mess. Really, you're on a path that you realize can go...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It really was the thing you dream of where the studio, the network in this case was just like pretty much like just make what you want, you know, because I've been through other development processes and pilots where, you know, the first time you meet with executives, they're like, yeah, make what you want. And then a couple of months in, they're like, take all this shit out. Not like that.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
a certain way and i think especially in comedy like we kind of like romanticize it we're like like we make it cool to be a slob like i'm a comic you laugh about it yeah you're like who cares we drink beer and eat like shit and sleep in but then you're like Yeah, like you don't have to do that, you know, to do stand-up.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like it's not a prerequisite, even though you kind of let yourself think it is.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, you justify it. And then you're just like, I don't know, then you just hit a certain point where you're like, this is not a great way to live. Like you can... Take care of yourself.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And then I think the biggest thing is you end up, you know, people always see you physically transform, but you just feel so much better, you know, like you physically and mentally, you're like, I'm thinking more clearly. I feel better. I'm happy.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Oh my God. Like now I, I tell people it's like a lot of my days are really slammed with like, you know, a hundred things. Right. And I go, when I come into my office and, We have like recordings and interviews and add things and then like, you know, we're gonna shoot things and we got meetings. It's like a full day.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I've learned that if I work out first, like before I go in, I'm just like a so much better version of myself.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
like i come in and like sometimes i even staff are like damn like you're in a good mood and i'm like yeah i just came from the gym like i feel good and then i i actually feel like i have energy for that day yeah whereas opposed the other way of like where i just show up i feel like i'm dragging that day yeah and dude i did the exact same about two years ago i think i would come in here because we always talk about what the fuck's going on in the world and i get super pissed off yeah and like
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, I think we all, you know, everybody thinks of, or a lot of people think of that as just like, like working out is just like for your muscles, you know, of like, oh, you're trying to get stronger or whatever, which is obviously good for you. But I think the, what it does to you mentally is like, there's like, there's just the fog of sleep goes away. Things just fire faster. And I actually
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, he goes up and down quite a bit. So, like, he trimmed down and was looking great in his special that he shot. He shot it in November, so it's been, like, you know, six, seven months. And in just those six, seven months, I think he's put on, like... 30 plus pounds. But he also, you know, he's, he's kind of a, he's a weird athlete too.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
yeah yeah and it's a it's a real bummer of a process when it's like that so this was like the opposite where we got to make i mean pretty wild uh stories that we wrote it's basically anthology so it's like these self-contained stories um and we we got to make what we wanted so yeah it was really fun and nobody stepped in and said hey wait a minute dude this is like a little too much
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like he's somebody where if he was like, all right, today I'm just going to clean it up. You know, in two weeks he'd be down 15 pounds.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And like, he, he just bounces back real quick and then he falls off. Cause he just, where I relate to parties. Like he, you know, he's fine.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
it's fun he's on the road he drinks he eats like a psycho and then he gains all this weight and then he just like pivots back now i think it's you know the older you get you're more like dude this is crazy like just hang out in one weight group yeah but uh but yeah he just does that for me i just feel like I still can gain and lose, but I have a tighter window.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Right now, I feel like I'm at my max. I'm reining it in, being like, oh, this is too much. You know what I mean? I don't want it to go. You know what it's like to let it go. Exactly.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I'm not going to do another 10, 20. I'll rein it in now.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
i was like this is not worth it because i would get in shape and then i would go like i would get down to like 250 which is in shape for me and then i would be 350. and then i would be 250. and then i did that like three or four times yeah i think it's i mean yeah there's a certain age where you're like i can't do this like it's not it's just not good but i don't know man it has to stay on your mind like nothing will nothing will just like happen you know like i feel like a lot of people
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
They're like, the curse of it is that you can think about it all day and not do anything. Do you know what I mean? There's people who wake up and they go, I'm really unhappy physically with my body and all this shit, and go to bed with the same thoughts and not change anything. Forever. Forever. It's like a version of insanity.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, it's like I, yeah, I mean.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You get tired of telling it and you just go, you also just accept that like, okay, man, like I'm going to have to eat this way.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
If I want to eat the other way, then you accept what comes with it. Right. So yeah, it's a lot of like lean protein and, you know, like I want the pasta, but I'm like, no. And then the workouts I feel like are, Um, they're not like, I don't resist the work.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like I like the workout, but the work of it, I think is you still have to find the time, you know, like that's the big challenge on the fucking road. Yeah. You got to find the time. So a lot of it is just like, I mean, that's why I great. Like Sean comes with me is that, you know, sometimes I'm like, well, I guess there's not enough time to work out.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And then he'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about? We can just go right now. And you're like, okay.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
quick workout is still get the job done man in terms of like clearing your mind if you hit it yeah you can make 30 minutes go a long way yeah for sure definitely that's real man well uh one of the other things so we talk a lot about like you know culture stuff things are happening right now right
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And, you know, since we have a fucking global figure in comedy, I wanted to try to, I guess, ask you, what's your take on cancel culture in comedy? And where have you seen the ebbs and flows go in that?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I mean, I feel like the big conversation piece of that was like a few years ago when that idea kind of floated. But I also feel like It's kind of, here's the difference between the world today and 30 years ago. Like 30 years ago, if you were a comedian or somebody and you said some shit that upset people, maybe there'd be a news story about it, but it's mostly that
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I mean, there was a couple of times where they were like, this is pretty, they were like, this is pretty crazy. You know, in the writing process, very, like very few notes. And then in the edit, you know, they were like, this is particularly gruesome. Can we dial this back? And we were like, maybe.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
somebody was mad, they would just tell somebody else. There's no way you knew they were mad. But there's also no way that back then people weren't mad about shit. Do you know what I mean? The difference is today, we have all these devices where people can tell you that they're mad about what you said. And I feel like a lot of comedians will be like, oh, you know,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
like they're, they're complaining that someone's upset about what they did. And you're like, yeah, that's part of the thing, dude. Like you're, you can't, you can't be a comedian who goes, I'm going to say whatever I want to say. And it's not cool. If somebody gets upset, you're like, that's how it works. Like, you know what I mean?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like you're, you're the one who's actually being super complaining right now. Like you have to let people say that they don't like what you said. Like that's the exchange. I'm going to say some shit.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
like yeah you every comedian wants you to love everything they said that's just the way it goes even the ones who they all want you to so some of them are just complaining that hey people got mad about this that's bullshit you're like no that's part of how it goes like you're the complaining little bitch right now right because you're upset that people are upset because my thing is like
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
what where is somebody really being cancelled in in stand-up let's say i'm talking in the comedy space because some of them will be like oh i can't say this like yes you can sure you just can't dictate that everyone will love it you know dude that whole saying of you can't say this is so annoying it's a it's a tired trope now bro yeah like oh dude they won't let us say who won't let you say that
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
What they're really saying is they're like, I'm mad that some people are mad about what I said. It's like, that's the exchange.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, because it's like, it's a made up kind of like... you're not really canceled i mean are there a few examples probably i can't even really like where you go you said some and now you can't get work yeah because that's really what canceled means yeah right and i think look yeah there i mean yeah there's a people the worst people i think in society are people who go like you said something
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I'm going to try to contact your employers so that you lose your job. That's a weak piece of shit. That's fucking bitch shit. That is the worst. And I have like zero respect for the person that goes, I... Don't like something somebody said. I'm going to try to make this person lose their livelihood. That's insane. But I'm like, in comedy, who's stopping you from selling tickets, bro?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Say whatever you want to say. Also, if you stop selling tickets, that's on you. That's not like somebody attacking you. No, you just fucking suck. The market is dictating why you're not selling it. So I just don't really buy that. comics are being canceled. I really think that like, if you say wild shit and it's really funny, guess what? People will be like, that shit was really funny.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, the Chappelle example, too, which was like great, was that like he put out a special and then everyone, you know, there was people like walking out of Netflix and like it was on the news and people were calling him transphobic and they were like, oh, he's being canceled. And you're like, what are you talking about? Like, I mean, you go to the show.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I went to a show with him the following week. Oh, after this should happen. Yeah, I was at I was at I was I was opening on that show. And there was fucking 18,000 people at the show. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, I don't think this cancellation is like working. This shit is awesome. That's right. People were like overusing that term.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. I think, I mean, also I think, you know, in the stories we were making, we were making pretty crazy stories. You know, one is about, um, a guy who goes to a barista and they put in, he asked for a splash of milk and they basically give him like a cup of milk. And so he's like, Hey, can you remake this? And the barista is really rude. And so then the guy kills everybody in the right.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And it's like, you know, I don't, he doesn't need me to defend him, but it was like one of those things where I'm like, No, no. Like you're saying he's being canceled. What you're, what really happening is that some people are really pissed about something he said and that's fine. Like that's how the world works.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like not everyone's going to be like, yay for everything you say, but he's definitely not canceled. Like he just had, you know, there's a, he's doing standup in an NBA arena right now and there's, it's completely sold out. Like I think it's working out. Yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
A lot of times the people that are the most upset about these stand-up things, the funny thing is not only have they not been to see that stand-up live, sometimes they don't even watch the special and they write the article. So it's like they're not even actually, they haven't seen the actual performance. What they'll do
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
is they'll read an excerpt like lit like read it so they just are reading the written word and then they write an article about that which is like it's just this clickbaity man it's not real it's the world we live in it's not real it's like it's it's this manufactured thing where like then people read that person's article who also haven't seen the thing.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And the funny thing is, all those people that are the most upset, dude, they wouldn't go to that show anyway. They would never buy it. They're just commenting on some shit because it makes them feel like they're doing something to express how wrong these other people are. And it's like, dude, they're not even going... It's all just... My point is it's just all noise.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like it's just this sideshow thing that's not, you can be distracted by it or the better thing you do is you just ignore it and you just realize that like it is somebody trying to get attention for themselves. It has nothing to do with what you said.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. It's like, yeah, that, that is a whole lane, but it's, it goes like those people, you see the reaction video. So you know what it is. Half of the people that write articles, they're doing reaction articles and they don't even watch the thing to react to. They just pick a word and they go, I'm gonna write an article about this.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And you're like, okay, that's crazy, man. So you're, so you're on tour right now. I was looking at the, it's a long tour. What are you going on for?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It's two years, it's a two year tour. It's fucking crazy. My last tour was actually even busier. But this one is like, yeah, I mean you basically hit every major North American market. And then you select other global markets to do. And you take your time. I like to take my time. There's no point of rushing a tour. So it's like, yeah, I'll just take a couple years.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Next week is my last week of spring tour, and then I take most of the summer off. So it's like, get some rest, hang out with the family. pick up in the fall, I'll shoot it in the next special in the fall, and then next year, 26, I just have some things to film, but I won't actually tour. So it'll be a much different schedule for me.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
What's the best and worst cities you've had to do stand-up in?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, the funny thing about... You ain't got to say St.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
No, no, no. The funny thing about picking best and worst is that
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
you learn over the course of time that sometimes you have a bad show in a city and then you go this city sucks for stand-up and it really was just that night usually I mean yeah or like conversely you'll go this city is great and so in your mind you go it'll be great and then you show up in the shows like okay and you're like what happened it's like those things
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, I mean, we've all been there, bro. It's like wish fulfillment. Everybody has encountered a retail person where you're like, I'm going to fucking kill this guy.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
those can change year after year you can go to a place where it was great and it's bad and bad now it's great i think what you fall in love with are cities almost like separate from the show you know what i mean like it's always fun for me to like i love going to denver because i like the city of denver i like i like the atmosphere i like the restaurants like i have a good time and then the shows have usually been really fun for me um it's always fun to be i like big cities so i like going to new york
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Um, I like doing London. I like to, you know what I mean? Like, but I have a lot of great places that I mean, I love the beauty of like, like British Columbia, you know, like in the, in the Northwest, like the Vancouver area. Um, I just like being in that atmosphere and, uh, you know, Chicago has always been like a super fun city for me to go to and like crowds have been fun.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So I have fun in a lot of cities, man. Yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You're trying to like, you know, a lot of times you don't have time to do that much shit. A lot of times we're doing like Thursday one city, Friday night. So you don't really like get to enjoy the city that much. But, you know, sometimes you do have a little more. And like New York, for instance, I just love the fact that you can –
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
walk the streets and you feel like you're in this vibrant city you know it doesn't matter what time it doesn't matter i love that too it's like it's it charges you it charges you up and i'm usually there for like couple days so it's just so different than where i live in austin and i mean been going to new york like most of my life and it's just you know it's just still like the greatest city to visit and and have fun totally agree dude it's my favorite place to go to
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And also like, you realize that it is funny that you can literally bring up anything and they're like, oh yeah, we have a store. You want elephant's feet? Yeah, we have that.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, exactly. All of you. So that was like the fantasy of the story. And then they were like, hey, this is pretty violent. I was like, yeah, that's the whole point. It's a violent fantasy. And then they let it go. I mean, I rip a guy's jaw out of his face in the thing. You probably deserved it.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
anything that you bring up like new york any cuisine any type of store whatever you're looking for like you can be like i want pencils or you know i want pens made from metal that are crafted from the 18th century they're like yeah there's a store we're over here yeah you have that like anything you want that city has which is like it just feels like you're i don't know like in this manufactured city almost like it almost doesn't feel real for me it's still
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, I mean, when I started touring as a stand-up, I would do Canada. That was the first place to leave the country, even though it's not that big of a departure. And it was always fun to do those shows up there. Australia has great just fun. They're very fun people. Australians are fun. So I think it translates to their crowds. I've had a lot of really fun shows in Australia.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
The people and the cities are great. But I've done, you know, I've done stand up in South America and Argentina and Chile. I've done Mexico City. I've done a lot of European cities and I've done Asia, too. I've done Tokyo, Hong Kong, Singapore. So all those like the Asia tour was fucking just so cool because those cities are so different than what we're used to.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And, like, the food is unbelievable. I've never had better food in my life than in Tokyo. I had... I knew that it would be good. I didn't know that, like... Did you know what it was, though? Well, yeah. I didn't know, like,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
how amazing uh lead like you order a salad in tokyo and like every bite you're like this is the best salad i've ever had that's crazy and then they're like you order a fruit plate and you take a bite of a strawberry and you're like what the and then you realize like how poisoned our food is in this country which is like one of the most backwards things you're like why is our food so bad you know we're just spraying everything with pesticides and then
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
In Tokyo, I mean, I'm not kidding, dude. Like you just, you order an omelet or like in the hotel, you're tired. You're like, we're not going to go out to a nice, crazy, we're just going to go like here in the hotel, in the lobby. And you order a sirloin steak and you tell you, you're like, this is the best fucking steak I've ever had in my entire life. Like every meal was like that. Bam.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I've learned not to fuck with my baristas, though, man.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
everything we had we were like this is amongst the best food i've ever had and it was every day no matter what we had and then you order a cup of coffee and you're like jesus christ this is the best coffee i've ever had in my life that's what it was like to eat in tokyo yeah it was incredible tokyo man i like food i've never been to asia at all oh dude let me tell you man like there's
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
There's a lot of the first of all, I should say there's a lot I haven't seen. But in the place, those those places that I've been, I mean, Hong Kong is a spectacle. It is like New York roided up like it literally you like you think you're seeing the downtown skyline and then you go like around this bend and you see something like 20 times more buildings and you're like, what has happened?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Food specifically, but the they thems, bro, they'll get you. The they thems, bro, listen, they will get you, bro. I've learned just to leave it alone. Even if it is fucked up, I just leave it alone, man. You just leave it alone. I just leave it alone, bro.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like it's this massive, thriving, alive city. Not that Tokyo isn't. But the thing that stands out from Tokyo is like the Japanese people, the culture, you know, everybody in Japan, like the cashier at the seven 11 takes great pride in being in his, in their job. And you like, you sense it, you know what I mean? There is no like, I don't know, man, like there is none of that.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
People have like, so you, this, this whole,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
japanese culture and way of being like it really is impressive you know the the pride people take in excellence it's all about the reason like some of those foods are so great is they're like yeah that guy he makes coffee and he's done that for 45 years he takes pride and he takes so much pride in it it's like this meticulous like perfect thing and you see that kind of in all parts of life they are like
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
gracious like for a city with so many people a lot of people i mean you know on the morning commute like there's this famous thing you can find online of like the rush of the subway and you don't like it's all organized there's no like people like off and like being like they're like oh yeah no one's being an because they know it's rude to be an in the you know i mean like yeah morning commute like things like that where you're like
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Wow. And then Singapore is the cleanest, like, you know, like may almost make it because they beat people's asses.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
When you land in Singapore. where there's signs and you're going up, you're walking up to do customs and it's just like, drugs punishable by death. It's like all over and then they hand you the form and it's like, we will kill you for drugs. And then you're like filling it out and you're like, do I have any drugs on me?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I didn't do drugs since 99, but fuck, I need to check real quick.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Dude, you start to panic. You're like, I got to go through my backpack real quick because what if I have like an edible on me? They're like, oh, they will hang you. You're like, oh, shit. But then you get into that city and it's like, I mean, it's like, it's the cleanest place you've ever been. People, again, super polite. It's just, it's a really cool experience.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I mean, I can't encourage you enough to do an Asia trip.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Okay, I can ride a fucking horse.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Tom, you got two boys, right?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
They're not like little kids though, right?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
They're just young. Has that changed, like, your outlook on comedy at all? The shit you talk about, maybe?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I mean, for sure you talk about it because... Excuse me. I always felt like you should just talk about whatever's going on.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, so, like, you know, when, you know, your first...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You definitely get a better treatment than we do. Oh, how things have changed.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
hour set is you like you're in your 20s it's just like observations and it's like tv shows it's going out you know drinking part whatever and then you know it's like you're you get engaged you're like well i'm gonna talk about that you know like you're married like you you know those things that are whatever you're experiencing it's like you know my dad died talk about that you just talk about
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
whatever's happening so like kids sure it's like i don't want to do an hour on having kids but like i always have something because they're they're part of life they're part of my life and uh you know they're two little wild dudes man they're just just ruining everything we have like basically there's such little shits yeah and they're both in jujitsu and it's just like it's so funny because the older one he's like
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I think I'm stronger than you. And I'm like, you're definitely not stronger than me, dude. And he's like, you want to try? I'm like, yeah, sure. I mean, you're nine. I will fuck you up. And then he'll try to like, you know, mount me. And I'm like, just pick him up and put him down. He's like, oh wow, you're definitely still stronger than me. I'm like, yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
i know this doesn't have like a no expiration date but i'm gonna i'm gonna remind you of this for a while yeah yeah you gotta make it so bad so we don't even try it again what's that you gotta make it so bad he doesn't try it again no he's like he's coming it sounds like he's gonna keep driving it's coming yeah that's what i'm saying every day i get home he takes his shirt off he's like and he goes i'm gonna be so jacked
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
and the thing is he has like these like he's like lean you know i mean like he's already like kind of muscular and i'm like i i don't want to tell him but i'm like yeah you probably are it's coming yeah it's coming yeah man um you're also an author yeah you wrote a book we got uh i like to uh play alone please yeah let's head about
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It's a little different now. Dude, that's sick. I was thinking before the show, though, like... First of all, Bad Thoughts is fucking awesome. Oh, thanks, man. It is, absolutely. If you guys have not seen that yet, you need to go watch it, like, right now.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
well it's a collection of like stories and essays and my first my oldest um he was doing a lot of like two cent two word things when he was like a little kid you know and kind of like mixing around certain words i was like waiting for him to say his first full sentence and then You know what I mean? He'd be like, I do, I know.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And I'm like, oh, he's not like, we were waiting for that first full sentence when he's like, I don't remember, man, like 18 months or two or something like that. And then one day I got home and I sat down next to him in the playroom and he just looked up at me and he goes, I'd like to play alone, please. And I was like, oh, okay. So...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I was like, that was really exciting that you said a full sentence. It's also like, he was like, get the fuck out of here. So, but the, the book is just like a whole collection of stories. You know, some of them from my, my days on as a comic, some of them from before then, but like all, all types of different stories. Yeah. Jeez, man. What'd you do before that?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Before, before comedy, before comedy. Well, when I graduated college, my actual first, um, First thing I did is I went to Boston and my friend was doing real estate and he was like, this is a crazy easy way to make a lot of money, which for like a fresh college grad, I couldn't believe it.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
The whole system was that if you, Boston has 61 colleges and universities in the Boston metropolitan area, which is crazy amount. And all those people need housing.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
and so the way it works is like you just if you work in a real estate office people just come in and they're like i need an apartment and then you show them an apartment i don't know about boston i don't know and they're just like here's this one and then if they sign up for it they have to pay first last and another month equivalent to the real estate office and then as a agent you get half of that
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So it's like, you know, it was just like this thing. I did it for a few months, but it was one of those things where I was like, even though it was like, to me, it was a ton of, I mean, I'm 21 and like, they're just like, here's $4,000. Here's eight. I was like, holy shit. I was also like, oh, I know I don't want to do this. It was like a real life lesson because I was like,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
If it was just about the money I should stay here and just keep doing this because it's like crazy amount of money But I didn't want to do it. So then I went to DC and I actually worked for America's Most Wanted That was like really yeah the show the show.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I mean I was I would I was a researcher so like but they would I had interned there in college and then they offered me a gig and And the job was like, I had to read all these like stories about like fugitives and different crimes. And then I would go in like the bullpen and pitch to like our story editor, hey, we should profile this guy. And you'd give them like the whole story in the background.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And then they would discuss and then they would go like, okay, we're gonna do that story. So then you'd be kind of like an associate producer on this particular person. and i did that for our my first day was september 10th 2001. so yeah it was a monday and and then yeah we kind of started doing some different after that
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I want to ask on that, like, how did... So were these just, like... Okay, I guess my question is, how much of that stuff was real shit that actually happened to you? Or was it just like, okay, let's just create the funniest shit we can possibly think of? Is there some reality in there?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
But after three months of like, yeah, I hope we get him too, I was like, I don't want to do this anymore either. So I moved to L.A. And my whole desire in moving to L.A. had nothing to do with stand-up. I really thought... that comedy acting was like what I would do. Like, you know, I had like, you know, Will Ferrell and all these guys. I was like, I want to do that.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So I kind of went out there with like that objective and I was going to the Groundlings, which is like a comedy improv school and troupe, like they train you and then they put on shows. And when I was in that school,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
know just taking the classes i met other stand-ups who were like they were the ones who were like you should try stand-up they're like i think you would like stand-up and i was like i don't even know what to do and these guys kind of took me around to watch them like hey watch them do i don't know how you even prepare for it and that got me started doing stand-up but i always still wanted to do the the comedy acting thing which is like why the show bad thoughts is uh
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
like so fulfilling to me because I also remember that that was like my first dream. Like my dream was to do stories. You know what I mean? And so I still love standup. Standup has been amazing for me and it is so fun, but I always wanted to do that shit. So in my head, like making this show feels like, oh, this thing I wanted to do for 20 years. You know what I mean? Like it's very fulfilling.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
That's real, man. Dude, so I'm a lot younger, obviously. Obviously. Obviously, yeah. Well, I mean, I know it's hard to tell, you know, black don't crack. You know what I'm saying?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Plus you paint your beard. I get it.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Keep going. I could be like 40. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. But dude, like I remember the first time I heard about you. Yeah. There was a video at a basketball court. That's the first time? That was the first time. Damn. That was like memorable for me. Yeah. That was pretty memorable. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Can we talk about it? Yeah, sure.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
All right, so I got the clip. This is the OG clip. Let's watch this clip. You've never seen this, Andy?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
No. Oh, fuck. Wait, it's the best part hasn't happened yet.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Pretty bad. What kind of injury was that? Two at the same time. It was double whammy. Was that shoulder and arm? No. What happens, like a lot of people don't know. So we had been playing basketball for a while. I mean, how the fuck do you even do that, man? It's pretty crazy, actually. Yeah. You do that on purpose? Absolutely not.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You know, the coffee thing came... It's like this cathartic thing to write because you go... It came from the whole thing where I'd seen so many times I'd go, hey, can I get a splash of milk? And I'd see them go like one, two, three, four. I'm like, do you know what a fucking splash is? Like a splash is a splash, you know? And so, you know, you can talk about that. You can... Think about that.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So what happened was, this is the part that like, because people only see this clip.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So right before this. Bert and I are having a dunk contest, okay? And so, we start, it was a rim that you can lower, and so we were like, who can dunk higher? So, I'm 247 right there, by the way. Yeah, you were a thickie. So, we do it seven and a half, eight,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
eight and a half nine i dunk on nine he doesn't it's over like i already i won the comp like everyone's like yay and as we're like walking away to do our net we're gonna do something completely different one of them was like hey man i think you can go a little higher and i was like huh and they're like i think i think you got a little you got a little more room in you and i go
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I remember internally being like, I don't know, man, that was like, that felt like the kind of the limit, you know? I was like, okay. So they crank it up to 9.3. So like the hoop is set at 9.3. I'm back here, like there's a guy off camera. He's like, hey man, dig deep. And I go, all right, yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And I remember internally just being like, man, I don't know if I have these extra three inches, right? And so when I'm running there, when I push off, the reason that's like...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
my left patellar tendon snaps oh okay so the patellar tendon snaps and then instinctively like it's not a thought thing you're you know your body like i guess tries to protect your head this arm goes here i land on it shatter the arm so it was left patellar tendon and left um uh humorous like i mean that's the the scar i don't know if you can see it from there
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
and then i had major nerve damage so i had another surgery to take a nerve from here and put it in here so but that happened you know you see the video and it's just like what is this but like it was that we were doing all this The real reason that this likely happened is that I was like out of shape and like, yeah, I used to play basketball fucking 20 years before then.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And then we just show up one day and you're like, Oh, let's like put the demands of like jumping as hard as you fucking can on this out of shape body. And then your body just goes, nah, bro.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
The term that I was told, because, you know, I went to the hospital, I had surgery, then I went to recovery center, all this PT, like all this shit. The term that I had never heard, they were like, oh, you're a, when you're doing this, you're a deconditioned athlete. Meaning like you are...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
you're so out of shape that you're you're putting the demands of what you did on yourself and you're like oh i'm 18 this is what i used to do but your body is like no we're not at all prepared for this and then your body just goes go yourself
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, this is like, you know, the basketball. Dudes, men in their 40s in basketball, if they're not continuously playing a special, like if they just go, I'm going to play. I used to play ball. I'm going to play today. It is the, what leads to like the most, like they go, oh dude, all we see are like ACL, Achilles tears, like all the time. Because it's, you don't,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
But the most fun thing to do is to write a story where you go, this thing happens to me all the time. Here's like a different version of how, you know, it's like, it's a fantasy, right? So it's, so it's a, it's a war plan, right?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
basketball is so accessible to us like we all grow up playing that you don't realize like what kind of demands if you're not playing regularly what force you're putting on you know like so explosive like it's pivoting it's jumping as hard as you can and if you're doing that out of nowhere it's you know it's it can really obviously yeah yeah i look that looked painful
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
yeah it was pretty bad um let's talk about yh ymh studios yeah so how long has that been rolling well i mean it's the flagship show for us is is called your mom's house ymh and then we started producing other people's podcasts um god how many you got now is i mean it's like 15. no but it's probably like
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
seven eight maybe something like that we launched another one but yeah i mean it just became like you know we we sort of slowly built the infrastructure to do it like you know um obviously you start with like the physical space and then you have a a team that can produce and like you know the the tech guys and and the the social media started to branch out from there and then
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
yeah it just became this thing and then we we we start our own ad sales company so like instead of having like an ex like a an outside company we have an internal company so we we built an infrastructure to do all this and then it just kind of naturally became like this thing for tv film too so it started with that and then it started to branch out um yeah
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
so is this in austin it's in austin so so do people come into the building to record their shows yeah so you have multiple studios we have multiple studios that's cool man yeah it's fun it's fun and um yeah it's a it's a fun environment like it's you know it's a it's a lot of comedians that are popping in and out and like staff is just fantastic there and um
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
But it's also like, it's like the healthiest way to channel like those feelings and emotions. You go like, Well, you can just complain about it or you can like write a story about this fantasy. So that's like one version of a story, right? I mean, there's a bunch of different ones in there. Like there's the me with the twins.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, now it just feels like the norm, but it was a slow, for sure, slow process.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. Where? To your office? No, to St. Louis. Oh. It's a flyover state, man. That's what a lot of people call it. Yeah. Flyover state. But we got good food and good people here, man.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I know. I mean, look, it was way easier to book people in LA. Yeah. It's just easy to be like, drive down here. But yeah, we try to like... We monitor schedules, like who's coming in to play the venues and all that stuff. And sometimes if...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
works out it works out some people do fly in for it you know which is it's nice i think they sometimes have other business in the city which helps right if they're coming in for for another event for sure yeah austin's a hub right now yeah it's been that makes it a lot easier it's become really popular sweet man i love it down there dude i think austin's cool as Yeah, it is a good time, man.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
No, it's like, it's a blue city and a red state, but the thing is, you're still in Texas, dude.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And the truth is, I feel like it's actually pretty mixed. Like, when you're in the city, even if you're like, oh, this is a pretty, you know, liberal place or whatever, it's... It's just moderately liberal.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
They're not fucking assholes. It wasn't like this pushy shit. It was cool because we stayed. We went down there a few weeks ago, a month ago, a couple of months ago. What was that a couple of years ago? A decade ago. Yeah, I think like 1940 or something like that. 1940, yeah. But we stayed right around the corner from the mothership. And down there. And it was a sweet area.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like even at night, I think it was like on Thursday night. That motherfucker was packed.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Shit was jumping down there.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Sixth Street. Is it packed like that all the time?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Sixth Street is like, that's where the club is. That area is a, I mean, yeah, it's a party area. It's bars and clubs. And yeah, it's always bumping, man.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, sweet. Let's get it. I want to do some reaction clips with you guys. So I got some viral clips that are happening right now. Okay. So we're going to do what we just talked shit on. A little bit. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. I think it's different if we do it. It's different if we do it. For sure. For sure. So I got three clips here for you to react to.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
This first one, dude, this guy is making rounds around the internet right now. Okay. His name is Frederick Vosgrove, I believe is his name.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, he looks Eastern European. He's German. Oh, he's German, okay.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
He calls himself the German Neanderthal. I mean, it suits him. But let's check this little hype video out from him. Here's the clip.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I don't know if you, so that's the black and white one where I just had this, I had this idea where I was like, Hey, what if we do one where a woman sees me in a window and tells me to like waves me in. And then what I pitched was,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, I'm not going to lie. He scares the shit out of me.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. There's different humans out there, and that guy was probably built to do exactly this, to laugh like he's got three fucking brain cells firing and just maul people.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. He looks part fucking animal.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. How good of a fighter is he?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
He's amateur, but I think he's undefeated right now. Undefeated. Okay. He's an amateur fighter. He's moving up, but- I think he's at like 320-some thousand on IG right now. I mean, he's growing for sure. He's up and coming, huh? He's up and coming.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, he's a scary dude. Dude. That's the kind of dude where you're like, oh, shit. I'll shoot these kind of guys. I'll shoot them. You'll just shoot them?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I feel like he looks like a character in the Bible.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
He looks like a movie character, like the guy that's in an alley kind of thing. You shouldn't be in here. You're in Munich for whatever reason, and like... You just turn the corner and he's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. You are black. Get out of my face.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, it might not, bro. Yeah, he's just laughing at you. He needs, like, fucking silver bullets, bro. Like, that's some different shit.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Look at his traps. Good God. All right, next one. Let's go to New Orleans. You ever been to New Orleans? Many times, yeah. I like New Orleans, bro. New Orleans is sick. They got a new story down in New Orleans. They had 10 inmates escape a jail. Hell, yeah. Through a cell wall where the toilet was. I saw this. You saw this? Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, so it was a rectangular hole in the cell.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It was big enough to squeeze through, and then they actually wrote on top of the walls right above it saying, Too Easy, LOL. Suck my dick, they wrote, too. Yeah. So let's check this clip. This is from, like, the news conference, and they're showing them all leaving out and shit.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Bro, what? What the fuck are we watching here?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
They're trying to escape. Yeah, they broke the fucking doors. I thought he was humping the door.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
The woman is drop-dead gorgeous and then she's like do you want to have sex with me and I go yeah And she goes okay well first you have to fuck somebody as gross as you and I go what? And then what we were gonna do was have a woman come in and we were gonna deep fake my face on her so that it would be a sex scene between me and me you know like that was the idea and
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Because they're trying to get into that cell. That's the cell that they broke out of.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Way to stay on top of shit, guys. The cool thing about this story is that they escaped around 1230. And the sheriff's office there found out at 830 a.m. Oh, fuck. And then they notified the public after 1030. So it's just a cool little ten and a half hour head start for these guys.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, apparently they caught like two of them so far. Two or three, yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
But that means there's like...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Oh, yeah, for sure. There's some wild dogs out there right now.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I say they get Frederick down there to go catch him.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Hell, yeah. No, that's crazy. They just moved the toilet and just opened a wall and were able to... Escape and then scale a wall and like nobody sees that that's really nuts to me at a jail That's our taxpayer dollars, bro.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, I work that is I feel like a common song should have been playing right there. Yeah, I'm saying freedom Bro, it's like the Shawshank Redemption. That's what it was. That's what it was Last one. Let's go to some sports But that made me put this in Apologies, uh-huh. Let's check this clip out
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Took out two. Two and one. That's rad. Two birds with one stone.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Like decades apart or whatever?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And she said that it's supposed to be like a fucking sequel or whatever.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And then one of the other directors, Rami Hashash, he was like, what if it was a conjoined twin? And I was like, oh, and I liked it more. So we wrote the story. So I play Joseph, who looks like me. And then I also play the twin on the back of her, on her back growing up. And so then I do kind of have sex with me.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
What are the odds of that, dude?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Dude, we cover it pretty regularly.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, she follows all the congressional... The hearings and shit.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I don't know if it's real aliens or the government.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You know what I'm saying? One of the things that's really crazy is we used to have this thing where you'd be like, what if? And then you have these whistleblowers that were working in top secret places in the government. They came out and they go like...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
here's all this shit and then they need like security because they're scared they're gonna get killed and they basically go you know we we do have you know whatever UAPs and we have
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
alien bodies basically we've had them for years and then you're like why how come nobody is reacting like it's so weird that everyone's like they confirm it they're like we do have this and everyone's like yeah anyway and you're like right wait that doesn't freak people out anymore right i always felt like it was strange that you would have somebody confirm this stuff and we've had these and so has china has one and like you know different governments have these bodies
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. It actually even makes it feel more like deliberate and calculated that they would kind of like slow play it during a time of, unrest and have it just kind of like, you know, here you go. And then everybody's just like, yeah. And then you have people going, wait, don't you want to make this a bigger deal? And they're like, I don't care.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
See, I don't know if it's like a real thing or if it's fucking like the government, you know what I'm saying? Well, I mean, conditioning shit, man. I don't know.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It seems like there was a lot of people that didn't want like these these the whistleblowers were terrified. Yeah. You know, so I don't think that it doesn't feel like the government was trying to say, like, go ahead and do that. You know, but the funny thing is that these guys were terrified to to say what they said. And then basically people were like, I don't care.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
so these were just i mean it's no different than you know every other day yeah you know so they were all like they came from all these different places but yeah it was all a lot of it came from that writer's room just like throwing ideas which is like the writer's room is like this where you just sit down you have a board everyone's writing down and you're pitching and then
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. Anyways, does Michelle Obama have a dick or not? That's what they're worried about. Yeah, bro. It's crazy. No shit, dude. It's weird. It is weird, man. Tom, can we do another game? I got another game for him. Wait, what's the game? WWTD. Okay. What would Tom do? What would Tom do? Sure. Okay. All right. All right.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So I got three scenarios for you and I need your real reaction to what you would actually do here. Okay. Okay. Your son, Julian joins Antifa. Cut him out of the will. That's for sure.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You're like, what the fuck are you doing? He's such a fiery little dude. It's absolutely hilarious. We call him Joe Pesci at the house. He's always like, the fuck is this shit doing here? We're like, yo, how do you talk like that, man?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Have you ever had to do with Antifa at all? Have I had to deal with them? No. I'm sure you get countless fucking hate, whatever you want to call it, hate comments and shit like that, but you never had actual issues.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
No, I've never had anything like that. Also, I'm trying to picture my youngest. He sleeps with an eye mask. He's six. He's like, I need an eye mask. I'm like, dude. It's way too uncomfortable for him to join. He would be like, wait, we have to go where? Trash can lids? He's like, he's six, and he's like, can I get a massage today? I'm like, a massage?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, he's living a good life. Oh, that's funny. He's not joining. But I don't know. I think I'd be so impressed that he actually was willing to be that uncomfortable.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
What's that? He'd be the leader. Oh, yeah. He'd get him in shape, bro. That older one, I think he would be the one who would be like, oh, we're going to break shit? Yeah. He's like, yeah, I'm in, bro.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
how is it it's amazing dude it's one of the most beautiful theaters in the country i've always i've been playing st louis like my whole career you know i i think my first stop here was helium and i've done like a variety of different venues i've been to the fox a few times it's one of the best it's one of the best theaters in the country it sucks when you came in though man we had the storm
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
No, hell no. All right. Next one, your dog only responds to gender neutral pronouns.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
We're really big when people, we have a cat now. And when they go, she's beautiful, we always go, don't misgender my cat. So we would definitely stand up. Yes. We like to take it seriously.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Bro, there's this dude, I think, what's his name? I think he's Gino on Instagram. So he does this thing where he hops in trans people's fucking lives, like live streams. Like, oh, I see you have a dog. And I'm like, yeah, this is, you know, Bruno. And he's like, is it a girl or a boy? I'm like, oh, Bruno's a boy. And then he's like, how do you know? And then you get so pissed. Oh, boy.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It is the best. I absolutely love that content. It's very easy to troll those people. Dude, it's so easy. Yeah. It's so easy. All right, I got one more for you. Okay, you find out your mom has been catfishing men on Facebook using your headshots from your Netflix special. Dude, I applaud her. Yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You've been doing some awesome content with your mom.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
yeah she's uh she's a she's a real piece of work so uh she's got a lot of personality so yeah we bring her around a lot she's very disapproving of most of the things i do which is kind of fun you know like she hated the show so much really she hates she called me she goes i finished it and then was just quiet on the phone and i go what'd you think she goes it's horrendous yeah because it's the worst thing she goes i have friends you know how embarrassing it is
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Every few I don't know every hour or something something you go like oh shit, and then when you get excited You're like I'll be back and you run out you just sit and write and write and then you bring it back to the room And you guys read it together, and it's like it's a very fun like kind of atmosphere.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
that I have to see my friends after this. And I'm like, I don't know what to say. And she was like, anyway. I go, the phone call was just to tell me you hated it? She was like, yes. And I go, okay. So yeah, and then she always says this shit. She's like, I go, that's really nice. She goes, well, I can't help but be myself. And I go, you could try. You could try to be somebody else.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I think we would all appreciate it if you weren't you.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah. I would love if she was into catfishing people.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
That'd be solid, man. That'd be solid. Sweet, man.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
It's like a hangout It's like a hangout like super funny comedy writers and like it's the best because you're getting like eight nine different people's minds on the thing and then you kind of You let your ego go. You don't go like, well, this was my idea. It's whoever has the best idea that you kind of go like, that's it, yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
100%. And like, I think a production, like a show is not unlike kind of running a company in a way where the best thing you can do is try to surround yourself with the best talent. Like you want the, you're like, I want the best production designer, you know, director of photography, like all these people that are, in charge of different departments and you want people to like be great. Yeah.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You're like, fucking go kill it. Yeah. Like your ideas. Yeah. Like, let's let's hear them.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
That's I mean, if I have like any gift in what I do, it's identifying great people.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And being like, hey, come work with me.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You know, like that's that's what I try to do well is I go like, I'm OK. You're great. Yeah. You come work with me. Like, that's what I want to do is have great people around.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I feel like that with the show entirely, it's like, it's my face and my name, and everybody kind of like goes like, it's you, you, you, and I'm like, well, it's partially me, but the reason it is what it is, is like these 50 other people.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, I mean, I feel like, yeah, you know you have a role. I think in, you know, the thing is, like, it's so different. Like, stand-up is so singular, right? It really literally is just you. You write the stuff, you perform it, you hold a mic, and it's just you on stage. And it's a very kind of... Like the only way a tour works is with a team, but stand-up is very singular.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
But a show or a movie is the absolute polar opposite. It's like running a business where you're like, maybe you're in this case like the CEO of it, but then you have to hire an entire team. And if you are like, no, no, no, everything runs through me, whatever you make is definitely going to suck. You really have to empower people and go like,
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
You run this shit, too, and you kind of you run your department, you know, you have to let them encourage them to, like, take over in what they do. That's the only way a TV or or or film like TV show or film is going to be entertaining.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, we have, like, YMH Studios. So, like, we produce a lot of podcasts. We produced the show, Bad Thoughts. We're producing a feature film. So, yeah, it runs through our company, but it's all about, like, hiring great people. Yeah, for sure. A thousand percent.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I almost took you out, man. It was actually a gnarly descent into St. Louis. We touched down about 10 minutes before the tornado, and you could tell something was happening. But yeah, we made it through it. People were fun last night.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
That's sick, man. Well, I thought something else was interesting, Tom, that I've been noticing, too. You've had, like, a transformation journey. Oh, a little bit of a glow up? Yeah, let's talk about it. Okay, sure.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I just saw him in concert this past Tuesday at Busch Stadium with Post Malone. He looks amazing.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, well, we did the 5K two weeks ago, and I hadn't seen him in person since the 5K the previous year, which was like almost exactly a year to the day. And he was down 130 pounds from last May and 200 overall. And then at the 5K, he was like, next year at the 5K, I want to be down another 100. I want to be 240.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I know. I mean, also I'll tell you this, like, so we got to Raymond James where the bucks play. That's where we had the 5k. And.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
you know like last year we did the rose bowl and so they had a start in the parking lot in pasadena and they laid out this track like on side streets right and then you kind of run back through this parking lot and i was like i was imagining something like that i don't know the layout of raymond james stadium right so i just show up and they're like hey there's a lot of
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Uphill and I go what do you mean and they're like well, it's they made it all within the stadium Well, the only way to hit 3.1 miles in the stadium is you kind of follow this path And then you take the corridor like the ramps down and then you take them up nine stories all up now Right? And then you go across the stadium, down again, and then up again.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
So I was like, yo, this is like half a mile that's just all inclined. Which like, you know... Bro, that's hard enough to do when you've been drinking beer all day. It's hard enough to do, honestly, like if you're like... if you're like moderately fit, right?
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And so like when I heard he was coming, because I knew he was coming, but they were like, he's coming later this afternoon because he had flown in from a show. We were out there, I was like, yo, I don't know if he can do this, man, right? We were like, you know, he's still a big dude. And then I was thinking like cardio and knees.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I was like, man, it's going to be 90 degrees outside by the time he gets here. And I go, this is like fucking all incline. So I was like actually worried. And then like when he got there, I was like, all right, well, you know, I don't know if we tell him or he crushed it. Yeah, he did it at 340, like all these inclines. And yeah, he crushed it.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Was it good? Yeah, it was great.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Yeah, that sounds like Camelback Mountain for us.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
We were polling people before. You know what I'm saying? I think that's where we're fucked up at. Because we were polling people, and it was like a 50-50. Like, hey, how is it? And we either got it was death or it was the easiest fucking thing they've ever done.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I think that's where we fucked up at. Because I'm like, we didn't really know what to expect.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
I will say there's this thing. I mean, it's not like a new observation, but like when you're doing it, because when I was doing the actual this run, I feel like if I had been just alone, I'd been like, man, fuck this.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
The fact that there's like thousands of people. Yeah. And you start for you. You hit that turn and you see the I had no idea that it was nine incline ramps up. I was like, mother fucker. And then you just do it. Yeah, peer pressure. The peer pressure really does help.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
And then I found, like, I'm on this path, like, you know, it's all mapped out, and I see this guy, and he's, like, shirtless and kind of yoked, like, midway. And he's, let's say, I don't know, 100 yards behind me. And then I got it in my head. I was like, I can't let this fucking hot guy pass me. So...
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Every time I would wrap around and I'd see him coming, I was like, you cannot let this guy beat you. And then you just keep running hard. And every time I was like, man, I wanna slow down, catch my breath, I'd be like, that fucking hot guy's gonna beat you. And then it's just gonna make you upset. And I told him afterwards, I was like, I didn't want you to fucking pass me, man.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
He was like, really? I was like, yeah, dude. He was my motivation. But I feel like if I was alone, you'd just be like, I'm tired. Fuck this. I'll stop.
REAL AF with Andy Frisella
884. Full Length: Bad Thoughts Ft. Tom Segura
Well, we started like 30, 45 minutes before everybody else. Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
I'm not going to turn this debate into... It's a cute one, whatever it is. The answer?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
Let's live on the sex cult on Mars. No, I love Earth. I prefer Earth. The sex cult.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
Even he gets community noted. It's so great. It's so great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
All of them? How'd you get on all of them? Bring me to the meeting, bro. I want to see what happens.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
Well, Tucker said they read his Signal. Well, it's very possible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
Because they know how to get... Who is this article for? It's for the person writing it. They want to hate on you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
I just feel like there's a lot of tribes in the Amazon.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
Yeah, it's nutty. It's that this gigantic thing that's the size of a skyscraper is going to just land.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
It gets easier and easier. I don't know, it looks flat from here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
You can go to Antarctica that's done an ice ball? No. I mean, I like people that can change their mind in that way.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
You can't get me with that. That's the one fucking money thing. Yeah, I don't have that expensive taste. I would love to fly on one of these, man. Dude, that's so insane.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
They think? Who's they? They! The fucking people that run the world. Is there a Wikipedia page on this? There probably is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
It's a good way to expose... See if you can find the other one, Jamie. Very narrow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2260 - Lex Fridman
Right, but they never really fought. They did. Twice they fought, but it's not a real battle.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. That's really uncomfortable for people if they have this...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I love her. It's a thing to do. It's a – life and raising a child became everything. It becomes a very different thing, right? I think – I have a lot of friends who don't have kids. And I'm not the type of person that thinks everyone should have a kid. I know a lot of people with kids, they do say that. I don't think everyone should have a kid. I think you should do whatever you want.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
So you think it needs to... So something needs to emerge, like your academy, as an alternative.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And you've designed it for online versus just having a PowerPoint.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I don't know how your brain works. I assume your brain works along similar lines with me, but there's a thing that happens when you do- It's a scary thought, Joel. Well, similar lines. I think we all share similar lines. There's an empathy that comes from having a child that's so different. and an understanding that we are all babies that grew up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
No. It's not that you're happy for being discontent either. But it does offer you freedom if you use it correctly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And opportunity. So it gives you some relief from stress, which can give you some kind of happiness. But it's not the goal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah, and that's an uncomfortable truth that these climate cultists just don't address. They won't even entertain any information contrary to the narrative. They won't even let it in. Of course not, because it upsets the game. Most of the people that are involved in the game don't even understand the game.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
We all start off as these bundles of potential and genetics. And then we're influenced by so many different things. There's so many different factors, but I used to think of people as being grown up all the time. And then when I had kids, I was like, Oh, We're all just babies. We're all just babies that have just been alive for a long time. Everyone started out as a baby.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
They don't even understand what's really not just at stake, but the actual facts that they're arguing for.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
But it seemed to me, at least from an observer from afar, that Pierre was gaining steam and it looked like he was going to win. And they seem to have taken the win right out of his sails.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And it just profoundly changed the way I interact with people, the amount of compassion I have for people, the amount of charity that I have for people, the charitable way in which I think about them when they do something or they say something. I give people the benefit of the doubt way more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
If you're a presidential candidate or prime minister candidate and you're encountering someone that has an opposing perspective, you should have really good answers. That's it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I watched the debate where he kept getting talked over.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
But it's incredible to watch that in Canada where I've always thought at least your discourse is much more polite. Yeah. Was. Was. Was.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
dave chapelle said this to me once at the comedy store and it was very profound he said having children didn't just change the amount of love i have it changed my capacity for love and i was like oh that's it you just nailed it you just nailed it you know because there's There's private moments when you talk to people about their children, about having children and what that's like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
How do you not know that people have national pride?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's a mess. Oh, that's for sure. We've highlighted all the arrests in the U.K. over social media posts, and most people have no idea. Konstantin Kissin is great with explaining all that to people. It's so funny when he compares it to Russia. Yeah. And he says how many people got arrested in Russia. How many people do you think got arrested in the U.K.? And most people are— Oh, none, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
One of the fascinating things about Bernie Sanders and his anti-oligarch tour is they're doing it on private jets.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah, it was like an estate sale, yeah. Yeah. I see. You know, he's dead now, so you can get his stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
All right. Beautiful. Always enjoy this. Always enjoy our conversations. I appreciate you very much. I appreciate our friendship. It's been great knowing you all these years and watching this crazy journey that you've been on. I'm glad you're doing great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Why would that capacity develop? It's not like a practice. It's like an overwhelming desire that comes – like the love you have for your child is like – It's not like anything else. It's very different. My friend Jim Brewer said this once. He said, when I had a child, that's when I really understood murder. I really understood my capacity to defend my child.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I never understood, how could somebody kill somebody before? He was like, oh, now I get it. Now I get it. And, you know, that's real too. And that's also tribal, right? So it's not just your child. It's the child of everyone around you in your tribe. And then you think that you are being invaded by an oncoming tribe. And genetics and...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
History dictates you have to be insanely ruthless to fight off that tribe. There's no other way for survival, which is really wild, right? Because those people have that same feeling towards their children. It's like that sting line, if the Russians love their children too. This episode is brought to you by Paleo Valley. Are you looking for a great tasting snack that is absolutely protein-packed?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I mean, only people like Jamie and Jane are dumb enough to buy. It's like for a goof. It's one of those things like you're either getting it for a goof or you're a very dark person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I wouldn't want to own it even for a goof. Like if I found an OJ played pool, I wouldn't want his cue.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Back in the day, guys like you would be banging their grad students. Not guys like you, but guys in your position. Yeah, yeah. Wasn't that always the thing? Yes. This is a fascinating aspect of academia. I seem to shut that off pretty much at the beginning.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, they seem to have completely stopped that. Like if you go back to Feynman and Oppenheimer and famous, famous scientists were notoriously playboys, which is really interesting because it's like these wild, innovative people were essentially intellectual rock stars, right? And then somehow or another that just got stopped. Like if you were a professor in the 1960s,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Like the girls would be wooing the professor. They would be excited. These 22-year-old graduate students would be so excited to be talking to this like incredibly famous intellectual. And they all, you know, were ladies' men. Like Feynman was like famous for chasing skirts. That was like part of the thing. He does a lot of math and chases skirts, you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That is a giant distraction to people that are trying to get things done in life. And it's also a distraction from your own personal development, I think. I think you could be with the wrong person and want to be with other people, and that makes sense. But really what that is is you should not be with that person anymore, which is unfortunately the case.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Like there's a lot of guys who wind up with really hot women who are out of their fucking mind and a lot of women who wind up with really hot men who are not what they thought they were going to be. And if you find yourself in this situation where you're with this –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
pathological person and you're trying to make it work and you realize at a certain point in time like I'm not going to make it work like this is you have to be able to just like jump ship that's why people are hesitant to get married That's what's really dangerous about marriage. It's not like being with one person you really love being with. I really love being with my wife. She's fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
We have date nights all the time. We have a lot of fun. We really do. It's enjoyable.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
No, it's really simple. We just enjoy hanging out together. We have a lot of laughs. And so we just said, like, it's kind of important because I'm so fucking busy. That we schedule time that's just unavoidable. Like this is what we're doing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
We've done that for like 30 years. I think most married couples will tell you that that's important. Most married couples will tell you that that's kind of the secret. It's also the best thing as well as being the secret. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. Like if the person that you're with is fun, that's the real problem is that sometimes people just pick people that are hot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That's it, you know, hot and willing and nice enough. Nice enough to be around, then you deal with all the other crazy nonsense and you're setting yourself up for, I've had many friends ruin their fucking lives. And then they go through divorces and you've said this best, that one of the things that women are very good at is reputation destruction. I have seen that happen, so imagine
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, it's dark in both ways. It's also dark in planted evidence. There was blood at the scene of the crime that had preservative in it. allegedly, supposedly, according to Robert Kardashian, and according to, I believe, the forensic scientists when they analyzed it. It matched O.J. 's blood, but they had to draw blood from O.J.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You are legally entangled with someone who at one point in time you loved intimately. And now that person is trying to destroy every aspect of your life. And you have to pay for their lawyers. So you have to pay for the general of the army that's trying to destroy your kingdom. And I've seen this happen to many of my friends. And that is why people are afraid of marriage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That's why people are afraid of commitment. Because the disastrous implications of like what can happen if it goes sideways? Like what can happen if you wind up hating each other? And what can happen if you just lie to yourself and you trick – like some of the hesitation that I had for getting married is most of my friends that got married when I was young all went through horrible divorces.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
When I was on news radio, Dave Foley, Steven Root, And Phil Hartman were all going through it, all going through it in different levels of psychosis. Obviously, Phil Hartman's being the worst because his wife shot him. When he was leaving her, by the way. He decided to leave her and he tried to leave her a few times. And she shot him in his sleep and then she shot herself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's a horrible, horrible story. But Stephen Root went through it and they had confided in me. I'd be like, oh, Jesus Christ. The amount of money these women were trying to get from them when they knew that they couldn't afford this. So one of the dirty tricks that will happen –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
with divorce lawyers, with people that are on sitcoms, is when you get on a sitcom, if you're an actor and you get on a sitcom, it is the most stable job, the greatest job in show business for a lot of them. Because you're going to get a steady check. You're going to do 24, maybe 26 episodes a year. You're making more money than you've ever made in your whole life. But then you get divorced.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
So what happens is it gets set up where your ex-wife wants a percentage of what you're making at this very unrealistic level where you're never going to achieve this again. And for Dave Foley, it was so bad that at one point in time, I don't believe he was allowed to go back to Canada. I don't know if that's changed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
But the judge literally told him when he told the judge, like, I don't have that kind of money anymore. I don't have the potential for earning. I was on a hit sitcom, not even a hit sitcom, but I was on a sitcom on NBC, paid a lot of money. And that was the only time I made that kind of money. The judge said to him, your obligation to pay has no relation to your ability to pay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That's Canadian judges for you. Just insane. Those are words you never want to hear even once in your life. I love him. So I was going through this pain, not like he was, but just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. So there's three people that I was very close to. And then most of the other people that I knew. You know, I knew so many people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
in order to determine whether or not it was his blood that was at the scene of the crime, and some of the blood found at the scene of the crime had that preservative in it that they use. They were sloppy in the 90s. Compared to now. Well, there was no DNA evidence back then. There's always going to be a certain percentage of cops that just want to convict somebody regardless of the evidence.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Fortunately, my mother and my stepfather have a great relationship, and they have for a long time. So I had that modeled. Like, they were always very close. And they didn't fight, which is really nice. It was really nice to have that as a model, you know? Like, where I realized, okay, everybody's not at each other's throats all the time. And some people actually do enjoy spending time together.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Was that the first time she had ever gone on stage? You do enormous crowds.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right. And then you consider relationships just like all the bad ones and like you're going to be burdened and locked into that. Did you ever see that video where Alec Baldwin and his wife are on the red carpet and they're being interviewed and they're asking them questions and the wife starts talking and Alec chimes in about something and she said, you're not talking. I'm talking.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
When I'm talking, you're not talking. On camera. And you watch this, you're like, yo. That's what everyone's scared of.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That competition. Tyranny. The tyranny of being trapped in a relationship like that. It's like, ugh. And sometimes one person is so overbearing that the other person just sort of submits to it, right? And then you're just like, I don't even want to – I don't want to fight. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to deal with this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And if they're in their mind and they believe someone's guilty, they'll do whatever they can, including planting evidence, I guess. At least that's allegedly. Not that I don't think he did it. I definitely think he did it. But I also think the cops planted evidence, which is probably at least partially why he got off. I think the big reason why he got off was Rodney King, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And so then you're just trapped and this person is insulting you and humiliating you publicly, right? That was the case with Phil Hartman. I got to see that we would all go like we went to a party once and I remember she was talking about ex-boyfriends that she loves pickup trucks because her ex-boyfriends had pickup trucks and they would climb into the back of these pickup trucks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And I was like, what the fuck? But she was doing it on purpose to make him squirm and make him uncomfortable. And she would say things like talk about how he's old. Oh, he's old. He doesn't like to do anything. It was just public humiliation in front of friends where you're in this arena where he can't say anything. He can't just go, what the fuck are you talking about?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Why are you talking to me like that? Why are we doing this? He can't do that because he's public and he's out with us. Maybe he should do it anyways. Probably should do it anyways.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
We're all out and you know, Phil was all about like appearances. Right, right. One of the things that he was afraid of with getting married was that he was just starting to break into films and a lot of the films that he was doing were very like family friendly films. And it helped that he was a family man. Right. So he had an act he had to sustain too. He had an image, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And this was critical in Hollywood. Like they had ideas of who you were. Okay, you're a family man. Okay, good, good, good. So if you have this radical change in your life where no longer you're a family man, and if you want to be honest about it and you want to say I was in a toxic relationship and some of it was me and some of it was her and this is what happened, like –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
whoa, now you're opening up the world to this big can of worms. Better to keep that can sealed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You shave your head. That's sad. You never look back if you do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Here's another one. Don't ever insult each other, even though you want to. You want to be mean sometimes. People get mean to you. You want to be mean back. I don't do that with my friends, so I don't do that with anyone else. I don't want to do that. That's why I don't do it online. I don't get involved in these like hissy-pissy fits online, particularly on Twitter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I just don't think – The prime place for such things. That's all it is. First of all, again, as someone who looks at everyone like a child or like a baby, I don't – I'm not angry that people do that. I understand the appeal of it. If I was 15 and Twitter was around, I would be tweeting at every fucking celebrity saying, you're a loser, jump in front of a bus.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. Have you gone into the whole George Floyd story at all? Have you ever looked at what they actually did to him? It's a combination of things. What the cop did was horrible, but also he was dying. Most people probably, if they did that to you, you probably would have lived.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I would say things just to try to get a reaction out of them. I think a lot of kids do. I think a lot of people don't feel like they have a voice. And one way to be heard is to be insulting. And one way to hurt is to be negative. If you look at the... majority of discourse on social media in regards to hot button issues. It's disrespectful. It's contentious. It's shitty and insulting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And I've decided like over time in my life to not do that. I don't want to do that. I'm not interested. I'm not interested in that. I'm I see real conflict all the time as an MMA commentator. I see the most violent legal conflict other than war all the time. That's conflict. That's like real conflict and resolution and purposeful, agreed upon conflict.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
like regular back and forth, wouldn't it be better to figure out what you agree and disagree on and why and talk? Why can't we all figure out how to do that? That should be a discipline you learn at an early age. Most of the issues that people have, if the person comes at you
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
insulting and aggressive either that person is ignorant or they're playing a game okay and the game is to get your emotions up to get you reactive and to be reacting to them instead of acting the game is like if someone's hyper aggressive in a fight the game is to put you on the defensive so that they don't like the best defense is a good offense you learn that early on in fighting
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
So you learn that you can be very offensive and then the person never has a chance to get their game going. That's the case with conversations, too. So this is like there's a gamesmanship to this kind of communication where it's not just communicating. It's communicating, but it's essentially intellectual one-upsmanship and sparring. You're sparring. You're scoring points.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You're trying to dunk on each other. And I get that. I've done that before. I've engaged in it. It's never satisfying. It always feels gross. Even if you win, it's gross. Like I said this before, like even like publicly things that I felt like I had to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Like the Carlos Mencia conflict that I had way back in 2007 where I accused him of stealing material and it became this viral video and then a bunch of other comedians jumped in and we all agreed there was a real problem. It was a real problem because he was very famous and he was being protected by these agencies who were profiting off of him being famous. They didn't want that train to stop.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I still, to this day, wonder if I would ever do that again because the negativity that came my way from people that were fans of his, it's so overwhelming if you're paying attention to it. It's like, what did I open up? Even though I knew it was necessary. That is also why people are negative because they want to stop you from engaging in conflict that's going to hurt them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
So they try to hurt you as much as possible. So you're hesitant to do it. I don't want to wade into those waters. It's dangerous. It's filled with sharks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You know, that guy had a large heart. That was my understanding of it. He was fucked up. But that cop did lean on his neck, which is always interesting to see people try to minimize that. You know, I'm always like you got to be able to just say what it is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Or someone's truly unique. Jordan, that guy. Yeah. that's a unique human being. And that's a real reputation.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
The problem is that wouldn't work because I'm willing to accept that you're smarter than me. First of all, I talk to a lot of people that are smarter than me and I like it. It's enjoyable. I don't ever feel uncomfortable talking to people that are smarter than me. I want to know some things that they can tell me on certain things. I want to educate myself. I want to see how their mind works.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I want to be blown away. I don't want to compete with them intellectually. There's times in my life where I would have fallen into that trap.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yes, which is oftentimes the case when it comes to conflicts, right? Yes. Conflicts are very complicated, and people want it to be binary. They want there to be a good guy and a bad guy, and that's oftentimes not really the case.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's not exactly... I think what they're talking about is like similar types of behavior.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What he's pointing... Woke just lets you clarify in your head, oh, it's like that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's interesting because if you don't criticize it enough, you're compromised. If you criticize—you know, it's like when it comes to anti-Semitism, like it's one of those things where you can't separate— It's a religion, and it's also a race, and it's also a government. That's where things get weird. Right, right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And then there's also the concept of intelligence agencies and compromise that also gets attached to it, the manipulation of world markets and money, and there's a lot to unpack. And then there's regular Jewish people. Have nothing to do with that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
They're also a walled garden, right? Meaning? Meaning it's very difficult to join. They don't proselytize. They don't try to get you to join. And they're all very tightly knit. They call themselves the Klan. They're all like locked in, the Jewish Klan, not KKK. The problem with that term has been compromised by the Ku Klux Klan. But I mean it as terms of tribe. Or community. Yeah, community.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
They're very tight-knit in that regard. They stick together. And if you understand the history, obviously, of Nazi Germany and of persecution in Eastern Europe, yeah, you have to.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, especially like military operatives. You know, you have to have a very – your life and the people that you're with, their life depends on you not having any confusion about whether or not it's morally correct to be doing what you're doing. That's why they like to break it down to kill bad dudes, you know, kill bad dudes. Right. Real simple. Let's go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What do you mean? In what way? Well... How do I look for in terms of people to talk to?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
They're the worst at that, which is fascinating. You know, it really is. It's really fascinating when you lose faith in a New York Times piece. You know, it's like you go, well, this is bullshit. I know what they're doing. I know this is editorial bullshit. And that didn't used to be the case, I don't think.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
But then I go back to what I learned about the Woodward, Bernstein, Nixon thing at Watergate that was all essentially an intelligence operation. Have you ever looked into that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Bill Murray on the podcast. And Bill Murray said one of the wildest things. He read the first five pages of Bob Woodward's biography on John Belushi, Wired. He read the first five pages. He goes, oh, my God, they framed Nixon. Oh, really? Wow. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, no kidding.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What they wrote about my friend was so not true. It was so wildly off. He said John Belushi was a lightweight. John Belushi would have a couple of drinks and he'd be fucked up. He wasn't like a big partier. That time he did that speedball, probably the only time he ever did it in his life. But Woodward had him painted as this maniacal, off the rails, just drug addled monster.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
They tell us what to do, we do it, which is why you want to stay alive. You want your teammates to stay alive. That's what you have to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And he knew that to not be true. He was very close to Belushi for a long time. And so he was like, oh my God, they framed Nixon. And then when I told him the whole story, what Tucker Carlson had told me about Woodward being an intelligence asset, and then that was his first job ever as a journalist was Watergate, and that there's FBI guys that were involved in it and the break-in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
The whole thing was they tried to get Nixon out of there, the most popular president in the history of the country in terms of the vote. And they were successful. They got him out of there. And it's probably – Or likely because Nixon was very concerned with who killed Kennedy. And he wanted to find out. And he wanted to get that information out. And apparently he had been talking about it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I know who did it. And he was, you know, he didn't want it happening to him, obviously. And he knew it could. If you're a president, you know, a couple of guys ago, you know, just... One of the most popular presidents, at least posthumously popular presidents, I know he was very polarizing while he was in office, but was shot in the head in the middle of Dallas.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And you think that the government might have had something to do with it. Like that could fuck with your head, obviously.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah, that's for sure. What are you supposed to do with that? All the things that would have gotten you fired if you were a professor and you said them four years ago, you would have 100% got fired for espousing any of these ideas that turned out to be true. You would have gotten kicked off of YouTube. There was a lot going on there, which is I feel so fortunate that...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I've got plenty of cuts on my head. I've got them all over the place. Well, you're looking pretty unscarred. Oh, the back of my head. I have one when I was a little kid. It's pretty big. One of these cranes that lifts up sewer pipes. Those big concrete pipes bang me off the back of the head. Oh, yeah, that's not good. I grayed out, went to the hospital.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right at the height of COVID was also when I had gone over to Spotify. Spotify is a Swedish company. It's different. They're different. They're much more rational, and they're not overwhelmed by this identity politics shit, and they aren't overwhelmed by our – weird political binary system of good guy, bad guy, depending on which side you're on. And they were like, what are you talking about?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always the thing with physical altercations with people, too. You know, oftentimes people get sucked into these things where they're not sure whether to act or not act, and that's when they get in trouble. Right. You know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
yes they didn't lock down they were also like we don't censor our rappers like we don't tell like the rap lyrics some of my favorite rap lyrics are horrendous but it's just like my diet my favorite movies are tarantino movies the dialogue is horrendous it doesn't mean that these are horrendous people that are putting together this like tarantino's a wonderful guy he's fun to be around he's great i've had dinner with him brought him to the comedy club he's great
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
He's not a bad person, but he is an artist, and he's creating this thing. And this thing is going to show you aspects of humanity that you know to be true, but they're horrific. That's the same with rap lyrics. It's the same with a lot of things. And Spotify's position was we're not censoring. We're in the business of promoting art.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
We sell art, and we're not interested in censoring art, essentially. Right. And it turns out, luckily, we were all right. We were all correct, you know. And now the government shows it on their fucking website, which is crazy. Have you seen it, Jamie? Yeah. Pull it up because it's bananas. And look at this. Lab leak.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
By the way – You know, I know that he would bring up the vaccines when he was on his rallies and people would boo when he was on the campaign trail. People would boo. And I think he was, like, confused by that. I think he was a little...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I don't want to say he's out of touch, but there's too many things for him to be thinking about, for him to be paying attention to what people really think about the vaccines and vaccine injuries and mandates and just the psychological warfare that was played on the American people. You remember that very famous White House post that they made? For the vaccinated, you've done your job.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
For the unvaccinated, you're looking forward to a winter of... severe illness and death and the hospitals that you will overwhelm. Like, that was the White House telling you something when it was in Omicron by that point, which was like a cold. Like, it was crazy. The deaths had dropped off radically. But they were so in bed with the pharmaceutical companies that they were like, you got to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You got to get vaccinated. And if you don't, you're looking forward to death and severe illness. Like... Imagine this is – you're not basing this on real statistics. You're not basing this on science. You're just basing this on this control, this fear element that you're trying to impose upon people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
So you're doing like a positive counter to the World Economic Forum.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. And oftentimes you have to have done the wrong thing before. Right. like failed to act or hesitated to act and it cost you and then you have to learn that lesson. It's very difficult to like know that without experiencing mistakes. You know, you have to, you have to have failed to act and then realize, oh, I should have done something there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right. And that's how they get people to fall in line. They fall in line through fear.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, depending on where you live anywhere in the world right now, right? You might be experiencing the apocalypse right now if you live in Gaza. You might be experiencing the apocalypse right now if you're in Yemen, if you're a Houthi, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That's when it gets scary when you see governments telling people that they have to fall in line or these are horrible consequences for you not agreeing to what we're saying.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. And then if you don't do this, you're a part of the problem.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Why does he say the fossil fuels have to stay in the ground? Too much carbon. You know, the real problem with that is the same problem with the COVID narrative, is that they don't allow any dissent. They don't allow any data that conflicts with the narrative. And they don't want to look at any possible... Both of them are complicated.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
They're not similar in a lot, but there are because they're top-down, tyrannical tools. Using fear and compulsion. During the COVID times, nobody wanted to look at any alternative treatments. They didn't want to look at... health, metabolic health. They didn't want to look at any factors other than vaccination and compliance.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
With carbon, no one wants to look at, I'm sure you saw that Washington Post study of the last, was it 50 million years? The graph that shows the temperature of earth. Have you seen it? We're in a cooling period. And that was always what, I mean, during the 1970s, Leonard Nimoy, when he had that In Search Of show,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
One of the things that they covered was that we are at the verge of an ice age and how terrifying an ice age is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right, and also carbon dioxide is the fuel of plants.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I think it's a really important point where you said that if we lost 20% of the plants, people would be freaking out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, and rightly so. Rightly so. But yet it's not even discussed because, again, it's one of those things that invades the narrative, right? It's one of those pesky facts, those pesky truths that gets in the way of the thing that you're saying, well, the apocalypse is coming.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. That's really difficult for young people. I think more so today than ever at any time in history because the distractions are so many and they're so engrossing. You know, if you get out of high school, you don't know what to do, and then you start playing video games and you're on social media, a day can slip by like that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's also effective enough that the people that are underneath the power comply and do the job of the man for the man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's not even just climate change. It's basically everything. Public health, agriculture, you name it. Yeah. Everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
A day becomes a week, becomes a month, becomes a year, and before you know it, you're 30. Yeah, right. And you haven't done shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
The center is where we can all meet up. And I think that's doable.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And that's really common. That's really common today. And I don't think we can ignore those factors, the factors of just engrossing distractions. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Can I stop you for a second there? I don't think people on the left are getting that message. I don't think they're hearing that this is exactly what third world countries need is a reliable source of energy and industry to elevate themselves out of poverty.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
They're not getting that. But it's not the problem of the people that are on the left, like the general followers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's probably the only way you're going to pull third world countries out of dire poverty.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I was watching a video on pollution in India. about the amount of garbage that gets thrown in rivers in India. And it was staggering, just staggering to watch that somehow or another, because the population is so large and there's so many poor people and there's a lack of hope, whatever it is, they're just throwing their garbage in the rivers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And the rivers are just overwhelmed with – if there's ever like a symbol of thing – people that have been led the wrong way, like bad leadership, bad planning, bad – Bad underlying story. Everything. That's it. When you look at your river and it's – all you see is water bottles. All you see is floating plastic. That's the whole river.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And you know that if you get in that water, you're going to get sick. And yet – no one looks at it as this number one priority. Like, what do you always say? Clean your room. Make your bed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You tell me all the stories. I have to ask questions.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Were you a different person before that experience? I don't know. I don't need to have talked to my mom. I was always a little wild.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
There's that too. It's interesting because you're talking about tyrants, right? And you're talking about people of extreme power and how that corrupts. And in that case, there's a large percentage of those people that are violating all those things that you said. Because they do manipulate and they do rely on fear.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
But isn't it kind of celebrated amongst certain high achievers, particularly in the business world, like that hedonistic, sociopathic drive to constantly get more numbers on the ledger?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I think people are afraid of losing fun. They think that when you grow up, you lose fun. But it's silly. It's not true. You can grow up and still have fun. You know, you just have to have discipline and prioritize your time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And you think about the number of men that are incels. The thing about men also, if they get rejected a lot, they associate women with pain. And then they get angry at those women because those women cause them pain. It's just a very simple equation. And that's how you get a man hater. Or excuse me, that's how you get a woman hater.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And the same could be said for, that's how you get a man hater, right? You associate men with rejection and cruelty.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, they're not the pursuers, right, as much. Young women aren't.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And that's the scary thing about acquiring wealth, is that wealth allows you to bypass the genetic social hierarchy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I have a completely different background than him, first of all. And also, my feeling in life is, is whenever you can be nice. That's like a general guideline. You mean nice or good? I mean both. Okay. Nice as well. I get the posturing. I get how it would be attractive to young men. I get it. If I was a young man, I would certainly be drawn to him, and I was to many fighters.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And I accepted a lot of personality flaws in people that I admired as fighters because they were very successful at doing this one insanely difficult thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And oftentimes— That requires a certain amount of narcissism. It requires a certain amount of internal focus. Ironically enough, not at the championship level. Ironically enough, it gets you close, but it doesn't get you to be the king. The kings are almost universally disciplined, focused, and generally kind. They're some of the nicest people, the best at the most...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
difficult thing athletically to do. And the most difficult, you're conquering other training.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I think Miyamoto Musashi wrote about this in the Book of Five Rings. You must have balance in everything in life. If you have imbalance, you can get pretty far because you're so – Specialized. Right. You're so driven. Yeah. But you will fall prey to the balanced man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You will also recognize characteristics in him that you envy and that you wish you had yourself. Like if you're a narcissist and a sociopath, you know you are and you can't really be proud of yourself. Right. You don't have the benefit of the positive feedback that you get from true kindness to others. You don't have that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And then if you do achieve success, it's hollow because you realize, like,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, one of the best examples is your countryman, George St. Pierre, one of the greatest of all time, one of the nicest guys I've ever met. And if you didn't know that he was one of the greatest fighters of all time, you would never guess it. You would never guess it talking to him. He's curious. He's interesting. He's intelligent. He's very well read. He's always interested in different things.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
He's constantly searching for new information. And as a martial artist... He is still on a quest of improvement, even though he's retired from competing. Always trains. He's constantly training.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Oh, there's definitely a lot of head trauma. Were you knocked out?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What is your take on – there's a university in Jerusalem that had this theory that the burning bush was the acacia bush. The acacia bush is rich in DMT.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That to me is one of the most fascinating aspects of Christianity, regardless of whether or not you think Logically, these things took place. Logically, these stories are a completely accurate depiction of exactly how it went. If you follow the principles, it's incredibly beneficial to your spiritual life as a person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I got gray. I grayed out. I came back to it. I didn't completely go unconscious. So Jamie went golfing this weekend with OJ Simpson's Golf Clubs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Pause that thought. I'm going to use the restroom. We'll come back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, it's very fascinating. Yeah, that's for sure. And the fact that these stories have existed for so long is so interesting. You know, that's where it gets really weird. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What has your journey been like to go from relative obscurity as a professor in Toronto to becoming this person who you are now, sort of a worldwide educator outside of the standard system of academia? but also subject to intense international scrutiny, character distortions, complete... Complete... Like, what they've done to change your position.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Like, you are probably the most intentionally misrepresented person I know. Intentionally misrepresented. You see it with a lot of other people, too, but with you, it's very... It's malicious. You know, I've seen it. But yet you have this...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
desire inside of you to spread information and to educate and learn and learn i'm learning on the stage what has it been like is you how old were you when i first met you it was like 2015 right somewhere around 10 years ago 53 yeah you were just under you were just encountering Notoriety, just encountering attention and what all the trappings that come with that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What has that been like, like navigating that? It's very unusual that a person becomes world famous, you know, at 50. For ideas. Yes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Isn't it crazy that that alone is polarizing? You're eating all the steak. You're contributing to the downfall of civilization. You're destroying the environment. Don't you know that cows are the number one producer of food? I know, I know. We've got to stop eating meat, Jordan.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That's why the world's... Meanwhile, China's opening up coal plants every week. It's hilarious.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's unbelievably good for almost everybody that I've ever met.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah, it really does. I felt when I, you know, I've done it back and forth, but when I'm on it strictly, you know, like when I go back to it, one of the things that I notice immediately is I have like an extra gear intellectually. More stamina. Yeah, more stamina.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You should do it with junk food. I'd be fascinated to see people go the right way first and then try junk food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What was that, Supersize Me? Yeah. Yeah. That documentary? Yeah. Where the guy just eats a little garbage?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yes. Clearly. And then on top of that, environmental pollutants and all the other issues that we have with additives. And this, to me, is one of the more exciting things about this current administration is the Make America Healthy Again movement. And, you know, eliminate fluoride from the water. Eliminate all these – I think there's a new list of ingredients that –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Most of them are banned in Europe and a lot of other places and are legal in America. It's insanity and it doesn't make any sense. And oftentimes the arguments don't even make sense as to why they continue to produce it because they produce the same products for Canada, for instance, where Canada has better laws when it comes to additives.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
So they produce the ones in Canada where they don't have the negative dangerous additives. And yet they still make this argument that to force them to stop doing that in America will cause great economic harm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I was watching a documentary that I sent to Jamie about China. And one of the, you know, China innovates at such a level, like such a fascinating level that, you know, because they're integrated with the government, which I'm not saying is a good thing, but because of that sort of unlimited growth, because the growth is designed for the state, like everyone's all involved in it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
One of the things they're doing is integrating rice farms with crayfish farms. So they figured out a way to stop using herbicides and pesticides and instead farm these two things together. So they have the rice and then they have the crayfish. The crayfish feed off the excess material from the rice. But also keep the water nitrogen and carbon rich. And so the rice is more nutrient rich.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And so soil is more nutrient rich. And then they're bringing in fish and crabs as well. So they're harvesting all of these nutrients. different things that people eat along with the rice all in together and they've created what they've done with regenerative agriculture like white oaks pastures and polyface farms and different regenerative agriculture establishments in America but they're doing it
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
with rice to avoid using herbicides and pesticides.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Insulin resistance right, but there's so much to try to change.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, that's it and you can't change it all like that's there's gonna be resistance on all fronts but one person at a time as you're saying like when you when you Have this message and you talk to people about things that you've done that have made you healthier that message resonates and then one person time tries that their friends join in and the next thing, you know, you've got a large percentage of healthy people and
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That's a great deal. That's a good deal. Those are my favorite stories that I hear from people that listen to the podcast. They're like, I've listened to the podcast. I lost 60 pounds. I started working out every day. I'm much healthier. I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm taking electrolytes and vitamins. And just my mental health has improved because of the daily exercise. I'm a different person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. No, those are great stories. That's a good deal. That's a great deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. Do you feel a burden? Do you feel like a sense of responsibility that is at times overwhelming because of this responsibility that you have?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That with, you know, the concept with great power comes great responsibility. It just seems normal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right. Which is a giant problem with social media, right? Terrible problem. Accelerant to misery.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yeah. I had a different journey, though. My journey was like a slow drip of fame, which I think was very healthy. It's a good way to do it so you could adjust to it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You were right, but you were a lightning rod. You were the patriarchy. You were the one to point to that was going to reinforce these established norms that are not supportive of the minimalized and... marginalized communities, right? You were cruelty, right? You were the cruel white man. What did that guy call you? Mean. Mean white man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Which is, by the way, you've already lost. You're throwing pejoratives out there like that in a debate. That's the thing that I was talking about. Like when someone tries to establish insults and get you on your back, it's offense. It's offense to put you in a defensive position so that you cannot do your best.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Also, it's establishing narrative to the audience that's listening to you. Now you have to look at this person under this light because I've done so eloquently described him as this thing. And then he will be defensive about that because he does. And then you look even more like that thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Which is, I don't like that. Not only do I not like that, I don't think that's necessary. I don't think it's necessary as the person doing it. I certainly don't think it's necessary to respond to that. I don't think it does anyone any good. I don't think it's good for society as a whole. And it's definitely not good for exploring ideas.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's also you're trying to win versus trying to express your perspective with as much clarity and as much thought as possible. You're trying to do your very best to examine these things from a selfless perspective, from a truly objective perspective. Mm-hmm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right. Wouldn't it be ideal if you were having a debate where someone said something that you agreed with and you're like, wow, he's got a really good point. And you instead of refuting that person. exploring that with them, which is one of the reasons I don't like debates, per se. I like conversations.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Because in conversations, if you don't have a predetermined narrative that you want to enforce, instead, you have your thoughts, you have your ideas, and you're not married to them. And these are just thoughts. And you put them out there, and then you can encounter a very unique human being who has a way of describing and thinking about things
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
That will open your mind to new possibilities, which is what we all should strive for. Right. We should all strive to be illuminated, to learn from new things. But yet we close those off because that is a point that your enemy is trying to score.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I don't think I should. No. Well, sometimes it's a problem because you breach subjects that you weren't really prepared to talk about and you might not have a fully formed idea about it. Yeah. You know, you're not – oh, if I thought about that, what would I have said differently? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right. But is that true? Because like pornography essentially was very difficult to acquire before the birth control pill was invented. True, true. You used to have to go somewhere to get the pornography. Isn't part of the excess use of pornography just the access is so instantaneous now?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, not only that, I don't think the audience truly trusts you unless they feel authenticity in that statement. quest, as it were, that desire to try to understand what is it that you believe and why do you believe what you believe? And where did you come to these conclusions? How? What journey did you go on? What ideas did you dismiss? What ideas were holding you back?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
What ideas did you realize were just a personal weakness that you were protecting yourself from reality? protecting yourself from the reality of bad choices and past mistakes. What are you doing to stop that from entering into your current state of mind? And that kind of thinking people can mirror and they can listen to you talk about these things and say, I do that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Okay, I gotta stop doing that. This is how I can clarify the way I view things and this is why I'm tripping myself up because I keep trying to win conversations. I keep trying to be right all the time, which is impossible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And it's especially difficult for young people because you don't have enough life experience to have made these mistakes and correct them and learned and grown and have the humility to recognize that process. Right. Instead, you see other people that are successful or whatever it is, and you want that right now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Unfortunately, even if they don't have it. That's where it becomes a problem, the false prophet. Yeah, well, that's right. The false guru. The people that don't have the answers to their own lives, so they try to give other people answers to their lives.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yes. Well, it used to be a gigantic problem in martial arts. The fake martial artists. There was a lot of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Parasites in academia are a great example of what you're talking about.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, you could recognize parasitical behavior, right? When everything gets chalked off to racism and white supremacy, when they start using these pejoratives, they start throwing those around for everything. Right. That's one of the ways you recognize. Oh, you're a parasite. You're not really doing science. You're not really doing academics.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right. Right. Because the left is generally thought to be more educated, more compassionate, kinder, looking out for marginalized people. That's part of the ethics of it all.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's so crazy because it completely changed the dynamic. Women could have sex for recreation. with people that they didn't even know and not have any consequences in terms of like having to carry that person's child. Whereas that was always a giant fear. If you're a woman in the back of your head, every time you have sex, you possibly could be taking care of a child for the next 18 plus years.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Yes. That's literally something that I use as an example in my Netflix special. I said, I think there are people that feel like they're trapped in a woman's body. And then there's also people that are out of their fucking mind. They're crazy. Oh, they're not just crazy. But what I pointed out, all throughout history, when you wanted to make a killer in a movie scarier, you put them in a dress.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Like Norman Bates in Psycho, Silence of the Lambs. And I used the big bad wolf. I'm like, it's literally a wolf dressed up like a woman. Like, that's literally what it is. And they've somehow or another completely abandoned this one aspect of masculinity that's one of the more terrifying is the predatory pervert. And they've given the predatory pervert a privileged position. Right, right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And that's Eve's sin, by the way. One of the craziest things about it is they've completely...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
abandon the idea of the pedophile and then the monster and the sexual pervert then the attacker the assaulter the person who all when you give a guy you say all you have to do is say you're a woman now you have access to whatever women's spaces all the women's spaces you could victimize them you could fight them you could beat them in sports you could dominate them in all games Bizarre.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Bizarre that no one's caught on to that. That's for sure. That's the weirder, that's the more cult-like and even you could say religious aspect of leftist thinking.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Right. It's a guy wearing a dress with an erection in the women's room.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
But there's also people that are willing to justify the monster's behavior because the monster is a part of a protected class now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And they're so common. That's what's really crazy. And why is it that academia is overwhelmed by people like this? Is it because it's vulnerable to parasites?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
This thing, this is a consequential thing where it's with a guy. It's like you have this biological imperative to spread your seed, but you're not thinking about making babies. Right. You're thinking about sexual activity. When a guy's having sex, he's not thinking, I can't wait to make a baby. You're just thinking, boy, sex is going to be great. I'm excited. Oh, boy, that's fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
And they do it obviously, right? There's plagiarism. There's all these different... And all that stuff... False scientific papers. Yes. And all that stuff gets... Everything gets gamed. All that gets swept under the rug because the people that are doing it are part of the protected class.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
So they protect the parasites. Like, this is my lamprey.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Like the woman from Harvard. They fired her, but they gave her an equal paying job.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
One of the more fascinating things to me is when parasites are confronted and they laugh. Like one of the things about academic parasites, when you challenge their beliefs – That's contempt. You don't. You don't know what you're talking about.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
I saw this with the anti-Semitism on campus thing when women were – these women were confronted by these statements like death to the Jews on campus and whether or not this – This is hate speech. And I saw it with, I believe it was Josh Howley. Yeah, yeah. The woman was, he was saying some women can give birth and some men can give birth as well. Like some men have period.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Like this kind of like, I guess this line of questioning is very transphobic and opens people up to violence.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
With a laugh, with a laugh and a smile, a diminishing of your position by mockery. It's contempt, yeah. What they're saying doesn't make any fucking sense to anybody rational. But they're so embedded in this system that they really believe that they have the kind of control over Congress that they have over their classmates.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
This is like standard behavior for them, mocking and dismissing other ideas that are counter to theirs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
You're not thinking I'm making a kid because that would make you hesitant. And nature is not interested in hesitation. Nature is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's just make you dumb as fuck for about 20 minutes and focus on one goal. So why did you get married? Well, I love my wife. She wanted to get married. We had a child. It seemed like a good thing to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Well, people need some sort of an alternative to that system. If you recognize what that system is, especially if you're participating in it and you're opposed to all of it and you're trapped in it and it's vital to your success that you accept some of it. How else can you get through? How can you get this degree and maintain some level of sovereignty over your mind and your ideas?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's a horrible trap. And I've met a lot of people that I think are very rational, reasonable people that get at least some of that stuck in their head.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
It's like at a certain point in time, making a baby is more of a commitment than getting married. You made a life, you know, like the commitment of getting married seemed right. Right. Of course.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2308 - Jordan Peterson
Is it a function of a society that's almost, I want to say, too successful and empathetic and there's too much abundance that you have more of this crying?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
How is this a real thing? It's so funny because we were just talking about how there's certain bits where you, it kills, like it kills, right? Mm-hmm. And then over the next few months, it dies slowly. And you're trying to do the math. You're like, wait, am I saying it different? Did I miss a beat or something? Did I miss some connective tissue? What's going on?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And even then I wasn't thinking of like having a television series. I was just like, oh, it'll be fun to make these stories, you know? And so after we shot those three, it was clear that we had the bones of a show. What if we did a show that was based on short stories, like short films, basically? And I don't know. There was another few that were in the original.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And by the end, you're like, no, it's fully dead. It has died. I don't know what happened.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And sometimes you like, you ever try to bring those back? I brought some back that didn't make it. And sometimes they get new life. Yeah. And then sometimes you're like, oh, there's a reason why I didn't carry this one on. You know when they pop up is Bottom of the Barrel.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's the other thing is your memory starts to, on the old stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I get called out to, you know, do this bit. And I go, I honestly don't remember how it goes. Like, I'll start it, and then I'll forget.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. And then they'll know it. They'll know it better than you. And you're like, oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's like, I'm done with this. Did you like any of the acting stuff? Because I know you don't have any interest in doing it anymore, but did you enjoy it? Yeah. Yeah, news radio was really fun. That was fun. Yeah, it was fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They both go. Both my boys go. And we take them in. And my youngest is like, this is my last one. He's six. And I go, is your last one? He goes, dude, my schedule is crazy. I go, what?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, he's talking like me. And he goes, I have a full plate. And I go, you have a full plate. He goes, I go kindergarten. I got Spanish. I do drums. I don't have time for this. That's hilarious. And then he told the instructor. He told the guy in charge. I was like, tell him. He goes, I won't be coming back. I have a very full schedule.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And so that guy kind of like smiled and he goes, well, what do you have? He goes, I told you. Kindergarten, drums, Spanish. I don't have time to do everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, they both did for a while. But yeah. So he goes, but the instructor was great. He goes, okay, okay. He goes, well, in life, you have to be strong, right? And my kid goes, yeah. He goes, it's not an option. And he goes, yeah. He goes, so if you have to be strong, then you have to do this. And my kid's like, yeah. He goes, the instructor goes, so I'll see you Thursday.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And so he hasn't gone. But this is the thing about kids is like he hasn't gone now in like a month. And then now he's like, hey, I want to go back to jiu-jitsu. I'm like, of course. Of course. And also his older brother is doing very well. Ah, that's a problem.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He got a new belt, you know. And my older brother's like fucking him up and talking mad shit all day. Takes his shirt off every day and he goes, I'm going to be so fucking jacked. So he's like, shit, I got to get back in there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're the most insane in my book for a person who does the most different things. Because you're highly proficient at archery, jiu-jitsu, shoot and pull, fitness, this shit. That's a lot of different things to be very good at.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And when I sent them in to Netflix, they were like, this is fucking insane, but we'll make six episodes of this. Yeah. And yeah, they were just like, this is crazy. But it's been the most fun I've ever had, dude. Really? Yeah, yeah. Because you know what? I was thinking about it on my way in here today. I was like... Sometimes you have to remind yourself of your original dream.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I stayed away from video games for 20 years about, about 20 years. And we got a console. Well here's the thing, I actually found that I am busy enough where in my brain I can go, yeah I can't, I can't. I can do 20 minutes on certain days and get like a little dopamine kick from it, like have fun. But most of the time I walk by and I go, I got out of time to play.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I've been doing that. I have a whole new sleep protocol I'm doing. Oh, a sleep protocol. Like I'm saying a bunch of peptides and shit. Oh, I just ordered an Oura ring to track my sleep. That's good. Do you have to try that pineal peptide?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah? Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Anything for more sleep I'm into, man. I'll tell you what really affected me. Quality sleep.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. But I was like- He can knock them down, dude. He can really knock them down.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He always says that. And I saw somebody comment the other day on our podcast. They go, the documentary about Bert's doctor who says blood work is perfect is going to be unbelievable.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Some crazy guy. It's going to be a complete lunatic who's like, you're great. Oh, my God. That's so funny. That's so funny. We had dinner, and he was like, wine, wine, anybody want wine? And I was like, I'm good. And he's like, we'll do a bottle of wine for the table. And nobody had wine, so he just dumps the wine into his glass. And you can drink it in like five minutes. It's crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You know we always talk about that freak show shit he has in him? Like he's freaky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
We did the 5K. in Tampa. We had like 8,000 people come out this year. It's crazy. That's amazing. And so many people that are like, you know, making... Look at that. Yeah, making leaps. By the way, how good does Jelly Roll look?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So what's he at now? He's at 340. So he wants to get down to 240. Wow. He wants to get to 240. He's a big guy. For him, 240 is probably right. Yeah, it's probably... And by the way, we were talking before he got there. The 5K had... It was in Raymond James Stadium where the Bucks play. So I was like, well, how are we mapping out 3.1? Well, the only way to do that in a venue of this size is...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And my dream when I moved to LA had nothing to do with standup. I never thought of standup. Not to say that I don't love doing standup today. I'm in love with standup. but I moved to LA because I was like, Oh, I want to do movies. Like that was my whole thing. I want to, I want to do comedy movies. And I had like my own blueprint for how I would do it. I was like, I'll go to the groundlings and,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
is you had to like use every, you know, square inch of the place. So they had us go up the ramp. Like if you're going to go up to the top, there's a ramp that goes up. It's nine stories up of all incline. And then you go across, then you go down, then you go up again. Oh, a lot of incline. Like half a mile plus of incline, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So before Joey gets here, I'm like, I don't know if he can do this, man. You know what I mean? He's a big guy still. Knees, cardio, all this shit. Dude, he fucking smashed it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He did great. Did he hire a trainer? What is he doing? I think some people... He got rid of his phone. I know. He has a flip phone that doesn't even... I don't even know if you can get texts on it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
yeah he just chucked his phone out apparently like all the years of drinking he just gave his phone number out to so many people and he decided instead of getting a new number yeah which is what you should do yeah he's like i'm just no phone that's fucking awesome by the way it's crazy i love like i used to panic when i left my phone behind now when i forget my phone i'm like oh it's gonna be a great day i left my phone i'll get it later like i'm just i feel fine it's a great feeling yeah yeah we're all prisoners we are totally prisoners we're prisoners and it's gonna get worse
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, this is the thing I wanted to tell you. So some of the Bucs players came out, the offensive linemen. These are absolute beasts. 6'5", 6'6", 330, like just fucking giants. They're gorillas. And we're doing all this silly competition stuff. Like we hit the golf simulator, throw a fucking spear into like a bale of hay. And then they're like, oh, we need one more thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
First of all, how did Netflix let you make this show? Well, they wouldn't have let me make it if I just pitched it to them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So we have a beer stein holding contest. Oh, Burt won that. Yeah, he beat fucking all pro. He's been – that's like – come on, man. But look at these fucking guys. Does that make sense? It does make sense, but you still go like – Those skinny guys can throw a baseball a lot faster than these dudes. It's just crazy to me, though. Not to me. The upper bodies on these dudes, I'm like, no.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I couldn't do it. I tapped out. Like my arm just gave out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I think so. If he was super dedicated to it, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Blood works perfect. Yeah. Yeah, it's nuts. What type of resistance is that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
SNL will definitely hire me from there. This is my 21-year-old brain. And then I'll do that for a couple years, and then I'll do movies. I thought that was a logical game plan to end up in movies. I did do the Groundlings for a while, the school. But when I was supposed to do Writing Lab, which was one of their levels, I had started stand-up, and I was just like, oh, this path is just...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I bet David has a crazy grip strength. Which David? Lucas. Oh, yeah. He's a big guy. Big hands. Big hands.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He was up in the... He's a big fuck. I didn't realize how big he... I didn't realize... Because, you know, TV is so deceptive.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then I saw somebody I know standing next to him, and I was like, holy shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I saw one of those guys who I guess is in the rock climbing, mountain climbing world. He's considered one of the best. Yeah, that's the guy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
better for me like I was getting traction not like my career wasn't moving but I'm saying like I could feel how much I loved it and I was starting to get like 50 bucks here and there and I was like oh it's not doing the writing lab thing it's staying in the stand up path you know that's kind of like interesting but the dream of like
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Is he the one who did a workout with Larry Wheels? Did you ever see that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There's a split in the muscle. That's a calf. Yeah, that's a calf.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And this is like a big endorsement for calisthenics, basically, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, because those gymnasts are like... Some of them are like, I've never touched weights. I'm just doing this shit all day. Which is nuts. And they have...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
of doing something like movies, which is like this feels like to me like they sent me to film school and they were like, make your fucked up movies. That's what it felt like. That's been like I was, you know, I was working like 16-hour days doing this thing. And I would come home, and Christina would be like, I have never seen you so energized after working all goddamn days.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. So good. I mean, that was like... I think when Arnold would talk about chest, he was like, that was like the cherry on top for the workouts was doing. He's like, we always would do dips.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. It's a giant difference. So different. And then when you take that thing off, you're like, oh, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Mm-hmm. And if they trim down enough, the quads are still humongous. Yeah, if Bert lost weight, he would get weaker.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I want to lose another 10, 15 right now. What do you want to do to do it? Just dial in. You know, it's really about consistency, I feel like, with me, right? Like, my window for when I go, oh, shit, is just so much smaller than it used to be. So right now I'm like, oh, I've slid a little bit. I've been on tour. I've been doing all this shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I just have to tour it's hard right it's hard like I'm working fuck it cheeseburger yeah sometimes pizza sometimes it's that sometimes it's also just that like you know I get into this rhythm of the way I'm eating and training at home which is pretty good yeah and then you get out there and it's like fuck you know we got on three planes and you're just tired you just don't do it yep and then yeah you just order whatever to eat so you just feel it like slowly come apart but
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I feel like I'm also at a place where I know if I dial in my diet and make sure I stay on top of the training, I can shed this 10 pretty... Yeah, you've done it before.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
She's like, you come home in the best mood. I was like, yeah, because I'm having fun. Like, I'm having so much fun doing this, you know? Well, that shows you're doing the right thing. I think so. I mean, it was like... That is so uniquely you. It is, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's our fucking text thread. It pretty much is. There are some in here that I can't wait for you to see.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
A lot of times we do the land and lift. Got to do that. Like land and go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Land and go. It is crazy how I do a lot of three-day, three, four-day weekends, you know, for tour. Man, a lot of times on that third or fourth day you're in your third or fourth city and you're like, fuck, I am wrecked today. Mm-hmm. Just like another plane, another time zone. Do you take a lot of vitamins? I take a pretty good amount of vitamins, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I'm lucky in that regard because I'm not a big boozer. Yeah. I don't know how Bert does it. I started eating these David bars. Oh, those are great. Those are great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I don't know if he is. Maybe. Yeah, they're delicious. They're great. Boy, they make you fart. I love farting. 28 grams of protein, 150 calories, no sugar. They're great. They're great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
From eating bullshit. That's all I'm trying to, like, sometimes I go, like, oh, it was great. Today was a great day. And then it's just dinner. So you just, like, just don't fucking ruin your day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's all I'm trying to do is just mitigate the damage of the day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
What do you miss the most when you are trying to eat healthy? Italian food. Italian food. Pasta.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, there are some in here that I... Literally cannot wait for you. She this morning, she goes, why is it called bad thoughts? It should be called cock thoughts. She's like, I swear there's dicks in like every other one. I'm like, yeah. She's like, dicks and violence. That's your wheelhouse. We need more of this in the world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
We were there for last summer. It was like every day. Yeah. And the thing is, I didn't blow up. No? No. I thought I would. I mean, I'm sure I gained a few, but I thought I was like, oh, this is going to be fucking terrible. But it was... I think... A big thing there versus here is portion sizes. There's no such thing. They don't go, here's your pasta. Here's a fucking bowl like this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, I think in Italy, the real thing is the food's different. I think our food is poison. It's so bad, right? I mean, I saw, oh my God, I saw this lady on your show. I saw a clip talking about all these health epidemics, like the full run of stats where she was like one and two for cancer and this and that. Was it Cali Means? She was a... I think she was a doctor, right? Is she a doctor?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But that's the thing is like, that's the big takeaway. I think from that is like you had this conversation with, you know, I had with people all the time who travel abroad and you're just like everything in Japan was fucking amazing. the food and then you look at their longevity which is like record breaking you know when you compare it to most of the world definitely compared to ours
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's really sad. We're growing stuff at home now. We have a hydroponic garden. Yeah, I talked to Christine about it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, which reminds me of when you're abroad, right? Because in Italy or in Japan, you have a tomato, you have a strawberry, and you're like, whoa. Yeah, real. And you're like, oh, this is what it's supposed to taste like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it was benefit to that. How much how much of this like do you think is related to the fact that we have so many more people than some of these places?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's crazy that, especially because we have kids in school, you realize that schools still don't emphasize nutrition or finance. I feel like that's another crazy thing. Oh, yeah. Is to keep people from understanding how finance works at all.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The first thing that happens when you're a freshman in college is you walk through the student union and they go, you want a credit card? You're fucking 18.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And they're like, you're like, yeah. It's got 29.9 percent APR. It's awesome. They're preying upon you. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And the school lets it. Yeah. The school is like, yeah, go ahead.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's fucking crazy. You're grist for the mill. Yeah. Yeah. Literally, you're paying fucking, you end up paying $300 for a Coke you bought. You know what I mean? Because you just like scanned it. Like, this is insane. Yeah, it's insane. And we don't teach anybody. It's really crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Learn like Tom. You know, I didn't, like, you don't, I didn't learn anything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, man. How much were you in debt for? How much was the tuition? I think tuition when I was there was something like $6,000 or $7,000 a semester. So like $12,000, $13,000 a year. Which, you know, whatever. Now, fucking tuitions now are like... Fuck, $50,000, $80,000 a year? It's crazy. Imagine you take on that loan. You start your workforce. You have $300,000 in loans?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because I knew. I knew that if we— You can't give anybody the script. No. No. The script won't work. The script won't work. I mean, that's just the thing. It's very funny. Thanks, man. It's so ridiculous. It's pretty ridiculous. You know, it was a few years ago that I made the initial one. I was on that crazy tour, that real crazy tour, where it was like, you know, fucking 10 shows a week.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you didn't understand what that meant, what you were signing up for. No way. It's the same reason like you have a conversation with somebody who's that age and you're like, oh, you realize that our brains are different, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They're not fully developed yet. They don't understand everything. Especially boys.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Their frontal lobe develops earlier. Yeah, ours does really take till about 25.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Can I tell you this theory? What you're talking about applies to, I think, extends to our appearances. And what I mean is... Today a lot of times people talk about how people wear like fucking flip flops and pajamas.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I know. And it also feels like so many studios, networks, platforms, whatever you want to call it, are so distanced from comedy. It's too dangerous.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, well. He's not here to defend himself. I think this is rude. But like you get on a plane and you see people in pajamas, right? Right. And 50 years ago they'd be like in a suit. And I think part of the reason why people, their appearance is this, I think some of it is tied to a lack of hope, meaning that so many years ago, you would embark on your path in life. Thinking that there's hope.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I can have the American dream. I can own the house. I can get the things I want to get. And so many people today are like, there is no hope. So fuck it. I'll go out in my fucking sleepwear. There's a little bit of that. I think there's a connection to that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because that means I'll do what you say. I'll do what you say when you give up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Did you see that? It was before he left the former FBI director talking about how China just doesn't play ball with any international rules.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
oh I'm sure and he's like how they don't respect IP at all oh he's like they'll just come in and they'll get a you know a spy to give them let's say the IP of some whatever industry wind energy they'll just take it and be like we have it now yep start this company and then like this company goes bankrupt because I were and they just fuck you fuck you yeah they made shit whole Apple stores Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, does it work? It can't. I'm imagining that it can't. But, like, you know, I always think about the fact with AI how we're in, like, version one. And we're all blown away by it already, right? And there was a watch guy online who was like, I have two Daytonas. Oh, yeah. And he was like, dude. He goes, this is the best one I've ever seen. Fakes, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The fake, he had to take it apart completely. and to look at parts that were inside yeah like a spin wheel he goes oh this is missing the logo so which begs the question like what is it like what are you buying do you want it from this company only or do you want a rolex daytona like what do you want well i mean i think if in in the case of that you know that the
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, the other thing is there's the offensive angle. I also think that they really shit the bed on... literally backing truly funny material. So many studio comedies that are released, the critics, people are like, why didn't this work? Because it's not good. It wasn't funny. It's not a funny comedy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
the movements, the actual inner workings of the real one are far superior. Are they though? I think so, yeah. Why? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Maybe it's because I used to be poor. I also just don't respect the copying of it. Right, it's bullshit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's really crazy. It's insane. And it's insane that it's tricking these watch experts, right? Yeah. But I don't really understand the... Yeah, look at these.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, imagine. Who knows this on the spot? Well, also. You wouldn't know this on the spot, right? Yeah. Also, my vision sucks. Mine does, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But you can make one of those. But wait, how does, because this, okay, I understand at least what you're doing in the watch thing, right? Then the person buys the far less expensive one, and they get the feeling, I guess, that people go, oh, you have the real one. Right, right, right. But if you're getting an Apple product, a fake Apple product.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I think a studio is always, you know, like if you strip everything down, it's somebody that has to have some risk in their job. They're playing with... millions of dollars and saying like, this will make us money. And so yeah, they start to get more apprehensive about it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I have an 89 M3 that I bought. Ooh. E30 M3. Ooh, yeah. And I have an S54 engine going into it. Oh, Jesus. So that should be- How much horsepower is in that? I don't know. That's more than it came with.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's what I'm into. I'm into that. I'm not into chasing the lower zero to 60 times.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Did you get that one? You had one being built. Yeah, it's not done yet. It's real close.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Meanwhile, I have some crazy fucking car coming to me too. What do you got? This Assetto Fiorino 296 GTB Ferrari. It's like 700, 800 horsepower. Christ.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Awesome, yeah. Oh, my. They're doing cool shit. Velocity did.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That one's great. They do Scouts and Broncos, but they also just started doing Mustangs. Oh, nice. I took one of the Mustangs out. Oh, nice. Very fun. I think 67 Mustangs. So you get that beautiful style.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, that's a different one. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Every time I see something cool, I'm like, check this shit out. I sent you the other one. What did I send you? I sent you that Giulia, that Italian one that the guy came to my place.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The other thing is that the cost of some of these comedies, when comedies were really thriving last, which was I think like more than 20 years ago, some of these comedies started to cost like 30 million plus to do a comedy. Yeah, because sometimes you had like, huge stars and huge set pieces, and you'd have these enormous budgets.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, dude. I towed one of these. This guy came- Ooh, baby.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's fucking rad. Totem Automobili. I did like it a lot. I didn't order one. I didn't order it. You didn't? I don't know. Well, he's making a prototype for a whole new model. So I was like, I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Ooh, I bet that thing flies. Dude, I was driving down Fairfax in LA in the rain, and he turned off the traction control. Oh, no. Yeah. Turned off? He turned it off. Why'd he turn it off? He was like, let it run, explode, emotion. Oh, no. And guess what? The emotion almost ended up wrapped around a fucking light pole. Did you spin? Dude, I was like, I corrected it, but I was like. Wow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's literally something you have to be trained, which is that when you're in a car and you're at a certain rate of speed and you're approaching a turn or something, you feel anything going on you, you take your foot off the throttle. And what you don't realize is that that is going to make things worse because the momentum and the weight... are gonna be carried through.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And actually the only thing that'll keep you from usually losing it is to stay on throughout. Not necessarily give it a ton, but you need that momentum to carry you through it. And so it's just something that, there's countless videos of somebody Oh, yeah. And their new fucking car just going, and they just go into a tree. I just watched one on a new GT3 RS. I've seen that one. Brutal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He's like 18. Horrible. And he did exactly that. Yep. He hits the turn, off throttle, tries to correct.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The 911. The Cayman? I love it. Yeah. It's like my heart is with that car. If you go, like, what's the one you're in love with the most? It's still that car. Yeah. But isn't it interesting that that car is not as prestigious? It's not as prestigious, yeah. Why is that? That seems stupid. It's a whole thing, too. And you'll see people like, ah, you got the Cayman. You should have gotten the 911.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Throw it in that marriage. Throw it in that bitch. It just upsets 9-11 owners. That's it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Now, some of them, like Tropic Thunder, I think did probably pretty well at the box office, right? But a lot of them would not. And so it started to be like, hey, you know what? We can make this... That's why you see the explosion of certain genres, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No. Did you ever drive the GT4 RS they came out with like a year or two ago? No, I didn't. I heard it. I didn't drive it either.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, thank God they still do. They make some. I mean, a lot of places just don't. It's them and BMW. Ford still makes them. They still do it with their Mustangs. I can't believe that Ferrari doesn't realize that if they did just a limited run.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think the audience should inform them, right? They should know that, like, the air... Their fan base wants all that shit in manuals.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's got to be... All that has to be cost analysis, right? Yeah. It's a little bit of that and what is that, Rogues? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like horror really has had a huge uptick the last decade plus because people can produce them for five million, but they don't realize that you can produce great comedies for five million also. You can, but you have to like prioritize the material first. It's got to be a great script and they got to be willing to back it. I feel like they just haven't taken those shots yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I feel like I have some of that where I'm not that physically addicted to it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I got a real problem with it. I'm like, Like, really? I know someone 18 years on it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. What? Yeah. 18 years on a shitty opium? Well, because they were using it to get off of opiates. Oh, God. And they can't go without it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's not. I tried it, and then people were telling me, be careful, be careful.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, people get physically affected. I didn't really realize that was a thing. I think it's just different genetics. It totally is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, there's not enough of that. Exactly. There's really not enough of that. There's not. Because you really, it's like you don't gain anything by doing the like, how come I don't get this? It's like, how come I'm not 6'6"? I don't know. I'm not. Just deal with it. Yeah, you got to just deal with it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
What you got, yeah. But there's a bunch of people that just think about their problems all the time. It's an obsession. And what it does is it carries you through time without having to deal with the problem because you just talk about the problem. That's a big one. I know so many people who do that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You need that perspective change from people. Exactly. Yeah, there's a big thing of like... If your problems become your identity, it's a fucking... Because I know people like that, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, people want it. They want to laugh. Always. I'm doing one this summer.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I'm doing a movie this summer, yeah. What are you doing? It's a crazy fucking comedy. It's insane. It hasn't been announced yet, so you know how they are about that. But it's a wild, R-rated comedy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And that's why they were firing her? They're like, you're just perpetually late.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's crazy. And she won. And she took him to court and won. They're definitely going to appeal that shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because that guy's just too lazy to go to the gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
My mom definitely thinks of corporations as they can deal with it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And I remember my dad used to tell a story that when they first got married, they were at a Holiday Inn and they were leaving. And then he was like, what is that in the suitcase? And it was their towels. And she was like, the towels. And he's like, you can't take that. She was like, why? Because it belongs to the Holiday Inn. It's theirs. And she was like, they have like a hundred of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Okay, yeah. Ha-ha, everybody else. Yeah, no, I would love to talk about it. But I think we're doing kind of like what you're saying, which is like we're going to go all in on trying to make this really funny movie. And, I mean, I couldn't be more excited about it. And I think it's like it takes –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And he's like, yeah, it's not ours. She's like, it's fine. And everywhere I've gone with her, she's like, you know, she'd be like, can I take this?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
We've been places where I've been like, hey, sorry, my mom wondering if we could take this glass.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, fucking amazing. It was amazing. I knew it was going to be a killer. I was like, she's going to hate it. And they were like, okay. So we set up a private screening for her.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
She's like, dude, she fucking, she hated the show so much. Oh, sure. She came over yesterday for Mother's Day. And I was like, she goes, so, because the rest of that thing, she made me promise that we're going to cut the first story. Yeah. She's like, you're definitely not going to use that, right? So eventually I was like, yeah, we're cutting it. And so yesterday she was like, did you cut it?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I go, of course not. It's fucking, it's Netflix's. And she was like, you lied to me. And I'm like, mom, I can't be like, hey, don't air the first one. She's like, well, that means you lied to me. So I'm never coming to a show again. And I'm never going to do anything like related to any of your stuff. And I go, promise? That would love if you never came to a show again.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Do you know how much of a fucking burden it is to have to babysit when you're there?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
She found out, by the way, I was on Chrissy D and Giannis' podcast the day the Pope died or the day after. I was in New York. We're podcasting. I was like, oh, because my mom's like hardcore Catholic. And I was like, let's call her and just check on her. And I go, we'll just try to see if maybe the Jews did it. So I call her. I'm like, did you hear about the Pope?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And she's like, I am devastated, Tommy. I go, I don't know what happened, if he was sick, if it was the Jews. And she's like, what? And like, we had to cover our mouths.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You realize when you read it and you go, this is it, we kind of do some punch-ups on the script, and then you just try to surround yourself with amazing comedic talent, like great actors.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
She's funny. She found it. Found herself on YouTube. She found the clip, yeah. She found an endless well of us fucking with her on YouTube.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Bro. What? Here's the thing. What? First of all, kind of catchy. Well, that's the problem with it. That's the problem. The guy from production, he's never lost a step. He can make a beat. He's so talented. He's a genius. He's a talented producer, man. I do think it's like...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
First of all, I think people are kind of done asking him questions because most of the shit he puts out is like self-release kind of commentary or thoughts. Because he's saying just fucking crazy, you know. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. But there is a thing where that song is like, what are you doing, dude? Like, what are you doing for real? It's the ultimate pushing back. Yeah, I guess.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But there is like, I think I have a pretty... you know, let things go kind of vibe to me. Obviously. Your fucking show. Yeah. Your show's ridiculous. It's a ridiculous show. And I've always been like, yeah, say whatever you're going to say. But I do think like making a catchy song about that, I'm like, what are you doing, man?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like you're just getting, at a minimum, you're just going to get more people that think it's cool to say Heil Hitler. Like that's at the minimum.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But, I mean, is that cool to do? I guess if you're like, well, it's fun to troll the masses and get them to do that, okay. But what I'm saying is that, like, at a minimum, you're going to get less educated people to go, like, this is a fun thing to say. And you're like, I mean, is that good? You really want people just walking around being like, you know, it's tight, man. Fucking insane.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I know, yeah, it was, I guess I was probably like, I kind of was resigned to that's not gonna happen too. Not like, I mean, the other thing is like, dude, every time I'm out on the road, you know, I'd get a call, hey, they wanna see you for this part, or you got an offer to shoot, This show or this like here's the offer. And I'm like, yeah, I'm I'm on tour.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. I don't know what his financial situation is. I know that there's been all these, over the last five years, there's been times where his net worth has been reported at such a crazy amount, and then I remember funds were frozen, and he was like, I don't have anything, and then it was all back. I don't know what his financial situation is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
How does that work? You know what I thought about when I was watching that video? I was like, how do you get, I don't know, however many actors.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think it's crazy. I think a lot of people would be like, what?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's nuts. It's pretty nuts. Look, he's super talented, man. One of my thoughts after hearing that song was like, man, I wish he would release the song with a different hook. Yeah, it's not going to happen. No, I know he's not going to, but that's what I... One of my thoughts was I was like, man, I wish he would...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's just like, whoa. That is the ultimate, like, I'll do whatever the fuck I want.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You know what's fucking crazy in jewelry? Because see, this is one thing I don't trust about. There's certain businesses where you're like, I don't know what I'm looking at. Right. Right. So like a car, for instance, you have the reference to go like, how much should this cost? Right. Right. Right. So it gives you some personal. You see a Lamborghini, you know, that's like a $300,000 car.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like I can't move the fucking United Center. You know, they don't care. They don't care. They just want that piece. And I'm like, dude, I don't get a piece that United Center. I know. I'm like, I can't move all that shit. But that's also I realize that after years of that, it's like, well, if I'm always touring, I'm just never going to be able to do that. Other people's stuff. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you can like check with people. Yeah. But like a piece of jewelry. Right. This guy who I bought a watch from was like, this jewelry is like, you know, this ring or whatever. It's like, whatever, $50,000 or something. I was like, oh, wow. He's like, do you want it? I was like, I don't know. And then like a month or two later, he sent me the same thing. He's like, I'm trying to move this now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Do you want it for like 20? What? And I was like, it's 20? He's like, yeah, I'm just trying to move it now. What does that mean? What do you owe on it? What's it really cost? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And so you kind of go like, wait a minute. So I was going to pay $30,000 more for it? That would just go to you? That's so gross, right? It is gross. I would never trust that guy again.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It just really turned me off, man. Well, you know, it's really kooky.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And girls are like, I don't want that shit. I don't want it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They don't want that shit, dude. She finds out that what you got her was, like, the shittier version.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And so it also kind of – I got excited about having the summer off and I could do something. And then my tour, the current tour I'm on, will end in December and I'm leaving 26 wide open. Really? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
How many women out there do you think to rock something that they're so proud of that if they go to get it assessed? It has to happen all the time. It happened in my family.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, that was the thing, Chad Ochocinco, the football player, because a lot of the athletes, they rock diamond earrings and stuff. He was like, yeah, I wear fakes. He's like, especially because whether it was on the field or going out, he was like, I have a real one at home. He's like, I go out, I wear the fake one. Well, he saved a lot of money. A lot of money.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, film some stuff. And then I'll still do like what I do, which is like – go into your club or book some club weekends, which are kind of like low, you know, stress kind of things where you go like, I'm just going to go work out. So I'll try to keep the muscle fresh, but I won't book like a tour. Yeah. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He was also always very on top of not overspending. Very smart dude. Very smart dude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Of course. No, he's thinking, yeah, because he was a fucking precision route runner. Great. When someone's mounting you, drilling elbows in your eye socket.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There's a lot that think like that outspoken. It's my mentality, bro. My mentality. I can't lose.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you've seen enough fighting to know what your limits are.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And I had a break coming up. And so I've always liked movies, like features, right? But it's a huge undertaking to get a feature made, but I liked short films because it feels like you're making a movie, you know, like a mini movie, right? And it feels much more accessible to do. So I had written... all these like short stories, short films.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's why it's good to even try all those things. I've done a little bit of boxing, striking. I've done a little bit of jujitsu. It's great to have the awareness. It is. You're like, oh, wow. It's a nice wake-up call. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think there's the male thing. Men think they know how to fight, that they're funny, that they fuck good, and that they can drive. Right. Those are like the four things. They're like, I can do all this shit. Yeah. Delusions.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Do any ever surprise you that they are pretty good? Never. Never? Not one. Not one? Nope. Wow. That's actually, I thought you would find at least a couple. Nope. So they're always like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, sure. Oh, yeah, that's another one. Dudes think they're good at playing cards.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You know who's really good? Who? Phillip Lee and his wife. Oh, really? They play in tournaments.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Margarita and Phillip, they play in tournaments. So does Bruce Buffer. Bruce Buffer played in the World Series of Poker. I never got into poker. And I remember when I was working in post-production, like in the early 2000s, it was starting to get more and more. Now it's, I think, immensely popular. But there was like an uptick when they started to televise it. You know what it was?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Dude, I don't even know how to play poker. and I would accept invites to poker games. And what happens is you start playing with how you think to play, and people start, when they don't know you, they're like, this guy, he's either fucking really ballsy and good, or he's a retard. And that's what would happen to me is a couple games in, people were like, okay, yeah, this guy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then pretty soon they're like, do you play poker? And I was like, I'm not really sure what we're doing here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, I wasn't at all then. At the dawn. No, no, no. I was just going with people from work. I was just doing it socially.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because anywhere you can go. Yeah. But in this case, you have to go to one pocket.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And so this is like, it's more like chess almost, it feels like, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's just anything goes. Any ball in that hole. And like the really, really good players can spot you that much and you still don't have a chance.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's what I'm saying. It's generating a lot more. Oh, it's crazy. That's when you think about, like, I think it's easy to forget when you're just into, like, the game, like, the amount of money that changes hands week to week with the NFL. Oh, God. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Billions of dollars. Billions. Has to be. Billions. Has to be. It is such a gambling machine. Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And, like, the NFL kind of, like, goes, like, no, it's not. No. It's about the gridiron. But then they also got to the point where it's like, you know, they couldn't ignore it. Because then you have sponsorships, right? Of like, there's gambling sites. Like, we're the official gambling site. Yeah. So it's all intermingled now. DraftKings. Yeah. We're just part of it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, yeah, the— Referees, shaving points. Donahay, I think was his name. That was nuts. There's got to be a lot of those dirtbags out there. Which totally makes sense. And it's so funny, too, because the NBA— In football, there's this thing that happens where every single down, you could call holding if you wanted to. Holding just happens in every play, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Every play. But what they tend to call are egregious holds. Meaning that the guy who's the defender is going past you and you see the offensive guy's arm extended, pulling the jersey. Like, I would call that. Basketball, it is so ticky-tack what can be called and what can be ignored and what is ignored and what is called. And it's just like ref to ref. Like, there's these clear...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
palming traveling charges like you you see it sometimes you're like what was that like right fingertips like graze the guy's arm and they fucking call the foul and then somebody gets hacked no foul right and it's just you kind of go well that's just like in the moment of the game and like if that guy wants to be dirty like the one was you can make some money oh my
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They just keep calling the fouls on the other guys, sending you to the foul line and keep that spread open. It's really gross, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, that's the thing. Is it incompetent or is it... Dirty. Dirty. With boxing, too. Yeah. We've never seen anything... Oh, yeah. Because even the layperson... can watch someone beat the shit out of somebody and be like, this guy's fucking whooping this guy's ass. You see the decision go the other way and you're like, what happened?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Right. You know what I mean? This kind of feels like filler. Yeah. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. And the audience feels that too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's really – it's – There's so many, I feel like, in combat sports where the judging is... Because it's so subjective. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. It's really unique that you have... a sport when you think about it where there's a subjective winner. Right. It's not like football. Right. We're like, that's the score. Every time the score. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Right. But if it's something that you can tell the person wants to talk about, it resonates. It hits different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
What was the one, because I watched a video on this, I think recently too, where I was like, oh, what was the explanation where it was Kennedy, Tim, right? Is that his name? The fighter? Yeah. Tim Kennedy? Right? Is that his name? Sure. Fighting the Cuban guy? Yoel Romero. Yeah. Yeah. That was a really- That was a bad one. That was bad. That was a bad one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because you're getting into the injustice mindset. Why isn't anybody fucking doing anything? Yes, yes, yes. And that was just like an oversight.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That has to rock you on such a deep level. The deepest. Well, because it's also, it fucks with your identity. Exactly. Like who you are. Oh yeah, your worth. Yeah, your whole self-worth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. We like to – you know, it's funny because we like to – like society, I think. I don't know if it's just all over the world or it feels like it's kind of American. We love to discover someone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yes, I saw this story. Bro. It's like incomprehensible. Incomprehensible. There's monsters out there. That's a monster. To do that to your daughter, she's just jealous of her daughter's looks and popularity. Fucking crazy. That's a monster.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. This happened to, like, some soccer player, too. I remember I watched, like, a doc on him. It's, like, kind of vague to me, but he was getting totally... mercilessly trolled and attacked by someone and it turned out to be one of his friends.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
What was the, because I always knew that the father, was it like a clear cut, like homicide one? Yeah, the father just shot him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. I think he had like, yeah. Like everybody in that era. Bro. So fucking predatory. Bro.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The worst. Corporations. The music business is like the most disgusting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. And it doesn't have to be. People don't even realize that in that era, too, you would after your tour, after your tour and your hit album, that you'd be in debt.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
To the record company. So they're like, you got to do another album.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Wait, but where were you with Marvin? You're like, he's broke? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
or into music whatever you don't realize how much it was a thing to have music videos right like that used to be such the biggest thing and a lot of artists especially like the young artists didn't even know that they were paying for the music video yeah so like the label would be like go shoot your video and they'd be like cool it's a million dollars and they'd be like great and then they're like oh no you're gonna pay for that but they tell them later well we gotta deduct that million they're like
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You have no idea that you're like, wait, I thought you guys are paying for this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, I don't think that probably cost a lot. You can make things now, too, for so much less. Oh, with AI? It's so accessible. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's incredible. Easily. Well, there's articles out about some studio. Maybe it's here in Texas. Somebody sent me the link to this. That this company wants to start making studio-quality movies for 500K AI movies. I bet they can make it for cheaper than that. But that's... Yeah. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Take my brain. Take my brain. And the rhythm of the cadence, too. Because he has a very particular cadence. And, you know, if you hang out with him. or work with him, like I did a few times, you start doing the cadence. A lot of people do. Start doing the cadence. And I did that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Make me a movie. No, it bums me out, though. Like, I don't want to watch that movie. It should. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Why is that? That's so interesting. Why are fingers like? It's a good question.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Like that one and the fingers and toes thing is like, I just wonder what the...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I did that in like 05, 06, when I was like, he was on his show and his first killer album came out, Skanks for the Memories. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I would be talking to you like this, and I'd get on stage, I'd be like, how's everybody doing? Like I would just start doing, because it's such like a hypnotic, type of cadence.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I agree. And also, if you have any type of recognition to you now, you've got to get your image. You know what I mean?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, you're definitely not. You're not going to. They're just going to be like, I don't care. Yeah, fuck you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's going to be real and you're going to be like, why do I even want to partake in the real world? Go back to real life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
How much of a mindfuck would it be if somebody unplugged you right now and you're like, this whole thing you've been doing is... Pretty mindfucky. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And I called my friend Rami Hashash and I was like, hey, I have a break coming up on tour. Let's shoot a short film because we'd done other things before. And when I sent him, I sent him like 10 different scripts. He was like, what if we did three of these? I was like, how can we do three of them? He's like, we'll shoot like 11 days in a row. We can do three of these stories.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Boy. That's worse than the version we get. Oh, it's the worst.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. And the crazier part to me is how many of those guys you go, hey, if you could go back, you know, we just change things. And they're like, no. Some of them like go, I love the glory so much. Like you see it in fighting. You see it like in the NFL. Some of them are like, no, I'll accept. The identity. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. No, you never like no matter how far you get from it, you still have the voice in there. Oh, yeah. More so now. Right. Oh, yeah. I never had that voice before. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Watch out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Dude, I also had this thing recently, because I'm on tour right now. I realized that, man, it's funny how I could be tired. And being tired, I go on stage in a different mindset. And all of a sudden, I'm like, wow, that was a way better set. I had the right amount of tired. Not tired where I can't think. But more relaxed. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The whole round? The whole round. And Garcia, that's the one where he won the fight, but then there was all this bullshit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
What ended up happening with the decision or the purse or whatever?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Not the same. And Gervonta's still... Gervonta's still killing it. Killing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then I get off, and my whole tour crew was like, that was fucking... an amazing show, and I'm like, yeah, I feel like I was too tired to be self-conscious or something. You know what I mean? Some of my self-awareness went away, but the right degree of it went away. And then the show just felt better.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Very crazy though. Yeah. Thank God. That's not how we make a living.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Me too. Did you ever fall on your head? Yeah, I had a couple devastating – I bet it helped. A couple bad ones. I bet it helped. I think I have some frontal lobe damage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I do. I like calculated risks. I think if you take this career path, you enjoy risk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think every comic has that thing too where you're like I can't have a boss.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. You can't because he's the boss. He's the boss, yeah. No, it sets you up for like, I'll figure out a way. I think if I hadn't done this, I would have, I definitely think I would have started my own business of some kind. You know what I mean? I would have been an entrepreneur of some kind.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, it's a fucking, yeah. I mean, now we're at the age too where you like, you can look back on 25 years of People you know. Oh, my God. Who are, like, miserable. Oh, my God. People that are in hell. Yeah, in hell. In hell. Meanwhile, we're fucking... Killing it. Yeah. You know what's really crazy? Doing fun things.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I also like to tell myself sometimes if I remember that I'm best on stage if I'm going on stage in a silly mindset. If I'm goofing off backstage. Yes. Fucking around, you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You lose your footing so much in that time. It's a different... Sometimes I've had a week off, two weeks off, even a month or something off where you're like, oh, you have sea legs. You're just like, whoa. I can't imagine 10 years.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Will's a real thing. Of course, and we all have it, and you can just deny it. But it's why, I don't know, anything that you accomplish that's work is through free will. It's through making choices, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Making fun of somebody that's like in my crew or something. I don't know, you know, like dancing in the green room. Like just silly. That mindset walking up on stage is like the best one to go on stage with.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
examples you're you're true it's i get that but you still make a choice you do but you don't even know what a good choice is because you've never even seen a good choice that's that's a that's a valuable uh analysis that like you had a horrible modeling so you just you're just following a path you you think is the only path and some of those guys get involved in athletics right some of those guys get lucky and they become a fighter or maybe they they get lucky and they become a musician or maybe they get lucky and they become something else or a comic
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's fucking beautiful to see. I'm very excited for it, I'll tell you. I know it's an overused term, but it really was a dream come true to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Thanks, man. It's awesome. I'm excited for it. Thanks for having me on, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And that's the thing is that's an unspoken thing that the audience goes like, there's joy coming from this person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You know, they feel the joy. Yeah, legit. They really do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're tricking me, yeah. You're tricking me. You're a hooker. It's so manufactured, you know? It's so calculated.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. You know what I mean? And then there's also nothing as fun, as genuine as...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
laughter on like oh yeah if something really makes you laugh while you're doing a set that's the most fun oh for sure and that becomes contagious it's like that's why the bits work so good when you first start doing them yeah and sometimes they die off because you're getting tired of it and you're not laughing anymore yeah
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You know, it's just like we don't necessarily want that as the guy with his finger on the button. That's all it is. Sure. That's the thing that freaks people out. But the policies that he had when he was – the thing is everyone's saying he's going to be a dictator. Well, he wasn't a dictator. He was the president. He actually was the president for four years. And the economy really did well.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I've watched so many people get their legs broken. Yeah. And I see it in like jujitsu videos all the time where someone's like going for a heel hook and then you hear this crack. And the guy screams in agony, and then everybody's like, oh, this is horrible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And he really did try to cut some of the bullshit down that's going on in this country. Yeah. And who knows what would have happened if you had four more years? Maybe we would have been economically better off even if you don't like that one person to be like the figurehead of the country that you identify with because you live here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You don't want to identify with this guy that you think is blustery and – Well, the thing is he's going to – we have like 55 days or something.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's close as fuck. She's probably ahead now. I saw the Fox News poll. It's hilarious. 90% Trump won. They're eating cats, I saw! I saw on Facebook! They're killing newborn babies. By the way, I think they are eating cats. I think some people are eating cats.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think you get a bunch of poor people that are from an island where they occasionally eat cats, and you throw them in a city where there's 50,000 people, you throw 20,000 people in there, and there's ducks at the pond. I'm gonna go get a duck if I'm hungry.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So, yeah, I would not believe a- Yeah, dude, if I was starving, if I just came from another country and there's ducks laying around, I'd grab a duck. Sure. I don't think it's that crazy. That's not their fault. Like, how the fuck did they get here? How'd you get 20,000 shipped to one town? Like, what is that? What's the real story behind that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's a lot of it here. A lot of it in California. A lot of it in Arizona. But it's a real issue. And look, you and I are both the products of immigration. Immigration is fucking awesome. But, hey, maybe when they do stuff that's bad, you should put them in jail. Like, hey, maybe. Hey, maybe you should use the same laws on them. Hey, maybe.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
We should check to see if they're murderers before they come across the board.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Do you think – but recently, I think it's – they're also flying people in, which is crazy. But recently, I think it's because they want people that are on the fence. You know, the people that are on the fence, because this is not all that plays to all that matters. But once they're in again, if they're in again, they'll probably do the same thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because what you're doing is you're essentially changing states that are swing states into blue. Because if you're going to give these people money, debit cards and food stamps and and let them come in and even they're even talking about gender reassignment surgeries.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true either. Because that's part of the problem with this whole people are eating cats. It's like you don't fucking know what's true anymore. That's a big thing. Maybe you just read things on the internet or you hear things on the radio. Who fucking knows what's true?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I saw a guy and a girl arm wrestling, and the guy broke the girl's arm. I'm like, what the fuck, man?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Right. Harris told ACLU in 2019 she supports cuts to ICE funding and providing gender transition surgery to detain migrants. That is crazy. Yeah. And also that is that's just September 9th.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that's a good thing. Yeah. People can change this idea of flip flopping when you learn more information. No, stick to your guns. No, no. Stupid shit. You first can evolve and stay there forever. Yeah. That's dumb. Yeah. You definitely could evolve and you could be wrong. And that's part of being a good leader is recognizing you're wrong and correcting your course. That's all good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What is going on with the earrings? Earrings? Do you know about this, the earring controversy?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay. So there are people that believe that what she was wearing last night was the type of earring that they use for, it's like an, it's an earpiece. Like you can talk through it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, no, Jamie. They want one that looks like a fucking earring so you can just wear it. Duh. Like, if you have one that looks like an earpiece, like, oh, like if Trump had one right through the bullet hole.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But here's the thing. It does look exactly like the ones that they use for what they're called Nova earphones.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So there's a video. I'll send you the video, Jamie. But there's a video of this thing in action. It's pretty fucking interesting. Because in the video, they're showing that these little earphones, like it's a commercial. And it's pretty cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you wear it as an earring. God damn it, did I save it? I might have saved it on Twitter, not Instagram. But it's, did you find it? There's a video. I'll find the video. It's kind of cool. It's cool because I like all that spy espionage type shit. Yeah, sure. It's fucking interesting. But if she really did do that, first of all, if she didn't do that, Bring those earrings.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Allow them to be investigated. Please. Sure. Just the ones that you wore. We'll trust you. Take those. Because you can't really get a pair made that aren't those. Right. So this is what it looks like. So... There's a different commercial that I saw. It's pretty cool. So, like, these are earrings, but they're actually earphones. So, like, you listen to music, all kinds of shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Or you can have people give you instructions and say, hey, make fun of the crowds. Now's the time. Right. Make fun of them. Smile. Smile. He's talking about eating cats. Don't get mad. Put your hand on your chin. Don't cackle. So these are actual earphones, which is really crazy. Yeah, I did not realize that. And so that's exactly what the ones looked like that she was wearing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, my God. Every time I go on Twitter, I get fucking anxiety. I just sent it to you, Jamie. You can see the comparison side by side of the two of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Terrifying. I'm just scared that someone's going to do something really stupid. Yeah. Like some extremists on either side that really do believe you're going to take away the trans kids or really do believe you're going to destroy the country from the inside. So that's what it looks like. Okay. Real fucking similar. Yeah. Yeah. Real fucking similar. I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know if that's what she's wearing. She might have just been wearing earrings. But if they have the kind of technology like that for regular people, and you could do that, and most people aren't aware of it, and you can get it off because the ABC people aren't aware of it. Sure. Sneak it in, baby. Yeah, yeah. That'd be rad. It's fun. I'd respect it so much. That'd be awesome.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Wherever you stand, politically left or right, you got to respect what she did last night. She got a great showing. She did. She did a great job. She did. But it just, whoever's pulling the strings, what a masterful job of propaganda they've done. Taking someone that they all agreed was not a good vice president, was the least popular vice president. Nobody even fucking knew anything about her.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Nothing. Bro, everybody made fun of her. Even like Joe Scarborough was talking about how she's like a problem for the ticket. Sure. And now you look and she's like neck and neck with him. Is she ahead of him today? The whole thing is so nuts, man. But Taylor Swift's on her side. Taylor Swift's on her side.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's ridiculous. Most people have to work. And also vote in person with a fucking ID. We just got through three fucking years of you have to have a vaccine passport in order to get food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You have to be able to show an ID and show that you're vaccinated to get on an airplane. We just got through that. And now all of a sudden it's racist to say that you want voter ID. No, I think it's insane. There's only one reason to do it that way. There's two things that are going on simultaneously. You're letting in literally millions of people. millions of people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you're giving them all these services for sure. Okay. Whatever, however much there's all these talk, there's all this talk about they gave the money and there was, you know, all these stories about people getting debit cards and food stamps and all this money. And then they're putting up in hotels in New York city and they're giving them free food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And then there's people that are poor that live in America. They're like, Hey, why am I not getting that? What's going on here? Well, because they already have your vote. They've already tricked you into voting specifically for this one party.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So now if you bring in millions and millions of people and then the same people that want to bring these people in or that are allowing their policies that are allowing these people to come in are the same people that think voter ID is racist. Like, You're racist saying voter ID is racist, by the way. I agree, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because you're saying that these people are too stupid to get a fucking driver's license? Yeah. Everybody has a goddamn driver's license. That's true. What are you saying? I know. What are you saying? Like, voter ID is racist?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, there's also how many seats is dependent upon how many people are in your county. And the more people you import into your county, the more you can change the demographics.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You've got to fucking give the Democrats credit for the manipulation. I mean, they did everything, like every time they've had a hurdle, like they moved Bernie off the fucking primaries. They fucked him. You know, then it comes to the whole thing with RFK. They fucked him. Fuck you. Fuck Tulsi. Fuck you. Everybody's out. They've done. I mean, and right in front of everybody's face.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And yet all these people like, yay, save democracy. Like, are you not seeing what's going on? Are you not seeing like. If the same people with the same ideas played fair, if the same people with the same ideas played fair, we have a different thing. We have a different thing. We have a different thing. And then we can get back to people disagreeing about policy, disagreeing about plans.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
We're so far from that. We're so far from that that people don't even give a fuck about what the policy is. They're just committed to their side. And anything their side does that's kind of fucked up or twisted, they'll gaslight you on it. Then they'll say it's not that big of a deal. And then they'll tell you it's good that that's happening.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Somebody had a great tweet about the eating pets thing. It's one of those things where I just, I read it and I'm just, I'm so happy that we live in a time of the internet. Because the internet is so fun. Because there's so many regular people out there in the world that are so fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So this dude's name is Nick Freitas. And Green Beret, combat veteran. But look at his, look at this tweet that I sent you, Jamie. Yeah. I can't believe this is a topic. The left.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No one is eating people's pets, which means we're one week away from why do you care that people are eating pets, three weeks from why eating pets is a good thing, and four weeks from refusing to eat pets is white supremacy. No, he's got it. He fucking nailed it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, you lose your fucking mind. Yeah. And there's a lot of people losing their mind. It's just... I don't engage in it. I know you don't either. It's a bad way to communicate with people. It's a bad way. It's bad for your health. I really believe that. I think it's bad for your mental health.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Ari did that for a while, too. Right before the Kobe thing. He got back online and immediately went bad. Oh, my God. Yeah. But it's not good for anybody. And that's why I am absolutely addicted to looking at things on my phone. I'm addicted to watching YouTube. I'm addicted to stories, just looking at stories on Google.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And a lot of it is nonsense, but a lot of it is super interesting science stuff. I get a lot of super interesting science stuff all day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, you're a fucking dude that works for you. That was the most ridiculous. That was hilarious. Do you think he just does that because he just wants attention?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
We have a bad thing. You and me, our text, which is what I was going to get to, our text message chain is the fucking worst thing on the internet. It's so dark.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, this is my and Tommy's thing. The darkest, the darkest things we find.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that was why the old Twitter was weird, because they had hardcore porn. There was always hardcore pornography, but if you misgendered someone, you'd be banned for life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, how is it getting through Instagram's filters? I don't... Because I asked you this like a couple months ago because I'm not on TikTok. I'm like, did you see that when you sent me something particularly disturbing, I was like, okay, is this on TikTok too?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because whoever's putting these videos up, these are accounts from bots. So if you look at the accounts, there's no real comments and real things that anybody's saying with that account. And then this account might have thousands of these videos.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, and the war footage, the drone footage is just like... I saw one yesterday where this drone, a kamikaze drone, was coming after these guys, and they were shooting at it with AKs, and they couldn't take it down. The thing was evading the bullets, and then finally it moved into the guy, threw his AK at it, and it blew up. It saved his life. Really?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He threw his fucking rifle at the drone as it was coming to... Because they dive on you and blow up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I mean... They're suicide bombers. Yeah. Yeah, it's really... It's super disturbing. Guys are going into the trenches with GoPros on. Like, I watched this one where this Russian guy killed these Ukrainian guys that were in, like, they were in a trench, and he's, like, got a GoPro on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And he guns these guys down when they're in the trench. And one guy's, like, struggling for the rifle, and then he fucking gets the barrel back and blows his head off, and you're like, yo! Yeah. And it's all like five feet away, three feet away. Like, fuck, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, if you saw my feed, if I was like being arrested for being a serial killer, and they had to look at his social media, like, look at his algorithm. Oh, yeah. Look at his algorithm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, it's always interesting just psychologically to see, like, what the fuck were the – you know, like you're watching something on Richard Ramirez or something like that. I was like, what was this guy like? Oh, yeah. I just cannot watch those things at night. If I watch them in the day, I can tolerate them. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But at night, before I go to bed, it just gives me too much room for crazy thoughts.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can't watch things about war at night. War freaks me out the most because I'm always like, okay, before Pearl Harbor or before 9-11, no one knew that was going to happen. How do we not know? How do we know that we're not in a situation right now where we're just before something really fucked up happens? And that gets me at night.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. I was looking at him like, you want to arm wrestle? You're not even a strong guy. There's probably a lot of things you could do better than me. But this one. This one you got. This is silly. This one's silly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you don't know what that is, and you don't know why it's happening. You hear about NATO moving their arms closer to Russia, and you know that there was a coup that was probably facilitated by the United States in 2014, and it's like, fuck, man, all this monkeying with shit overseas scares the fuck out of me, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Every day there could be some new thing popping off somewhere in the world, and you're like,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Mutually assured self-destruction. Yes. And then the other thing was that during the Reagan administration, they kind of like forced the Russians into trying to keep up with us militarily, which kind of bankrupt the Soviet Union.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because if you have a communist country, it's it's way harder to get money. Yeah. You're not making anything. You're not selling anything. There's not a lot of capital being thrown around.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And while you're having massive military spending, it's kind of unsustainable. But then they've since recovered. And then them, like China, like what's interesting, what China has done is China has developed this sort of, They have capitalism and communism, which is the way to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Like, you get people motivated to make a lot of money, industries get huge, but everything is completely tied into the government, which is like, oh, we nailed it. This is it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's a good program. It's not good for the people. It's not good for us. It's good for running the show. It's great for running the show. And that's, you know... This is what's scary about what's going on in this country is there's some people that have the notion that in order for us to compete with these other countries, we have to govern people in a more similar way than they do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They have to have more control over information, more control over what people say and do, more control over money. China now has centralized digital currency in some places, which is – that's very scary. Once the government has complete access to your money and be able to shut your money off or – With the truckers. Yeah. So these people just donated money to this trucker protest.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's all they did. Donate money. And Canada shut their bank accounts down. Which is, that's scary stuff, man. It's very scary. That's Banana Republic shit. And that's, you could walk to Canada.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, there's cars today that have OnStar on them that the police can shut your car off. Yeah. So if you're running a high-speed chase with the cops and you have some vehicle that has OnStar on it, you just hit a button. Is that true? Make sure that's true. That might be theoretical. I think it's true, though. I think they could just shut your car off. That's pretty scary.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But they market to you like, look, if someone steals your Corvette, Tom, you just call up. And then we'll have that car shut off. Sure. And that person's on the highway and it just pulls over for them. Yeah. Yeah. Scary. Yeah. Well, you know the story about Michael Hastings, right? Michael Hastings was the reporter for Rolling Stone. Can police use OnStar to disable a car?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
If the vehicle is parked and turned off, the OnStar advisor can use remote ignition block to prevent the engine from being restarted, allowing the police to recover the vehicle. So they can only do it once it's off? Can police use OnStar to disable a car? Click that. Search for. Below. Below that? That part. Click that. See if that gives you a different answer. The vehicle's parked and turned off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Same thing. So can it shut off your car while you're driving? Hold on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Disable engine and end high-speed chases so it can. Satellite technology that could disable an engine with a simple push of a button helped end the high-speed chase of a stolen sports utility vehicle in La Porte, resulting in the arrest of Mishawaka Man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Shut it down. So OnStar controlled this guy's car. And they're looking at it like it's a good thing because it is a good thing because this guy was a crazy person. Reckless driving, other counts, resisting law enforcement, running from the cops. But it's kind of crazy that they could just press a button. So maybe it's something that you didn't really do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Maybe you're a whistleblower for some chemical company that's done something that's illegal and then – People don't want you to, you're going to crash the stock market, and you're on the run, and they know he's got the papers on him, find that fuck. And they just, boom, slow your Cadillac down. Yep. Spooky. It's kind of spooky, man. It's spooky because we know that people abuse power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's not spooky. Look, if we had our elected officials were all super enlightened beings that were different than human beings and that only did things according to ethics and rules and morals and knew what was right and what was wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe then you can make a justification. Yeah, but that's not our case. That's not humans. That's not humans. All that stuff's crazy. Mm-hmm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's just you're giving too much power to people. And then you could figure out a way to justify it and say, yeah, but what about those people that are running from the cops? You're right. You're right. You're right. But what about someone who's corrupt, who's got a hold of that technology and they're tracking their ex-wife because she's going to testify against them and they have her whacked?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That shit happens too. For sure it does. For fucking sure. Yeah. And then if there's no record of it, if you just got some sort of computer and you can just fucking slow down someone's car and then the hitman catches up to him, guns are down or whatever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Well, we're seeing that with Google searches. Nobody ever thought that you could just manipulate Google searches.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But you 100% can. I had Robert Epstein on the other day, and he was explaining how it's done and what they do, and they're capturing all these ephemeral – So every time Google shows you stories or every time you Google something, they record what Google shows you. And every time you Google something about Trump, it's going to show you all the negative.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You Google about Kamala Harris, it's going to show you all the positive. And just by doing that for the casual voter, they can change the vote by a significant percentage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Have you ever done an experiment where all your apps are closed and you just start talking about something and see if Google picks that up? Uh-uh. Because that would be interesting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay. Okay, what should we talk about? What would be a good thing? Let's see. Let me make sure that everything, all my shit is closed. I'm going to close everything. Close. What would be a good thing to talk about that would find out? Let's go something that we don't ever look up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
High school baseball is so important because high school baseball teaches you teamwork.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And it teaches you how to perform together with friends. You develop camaraderie. You learn how to compete.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you're balling. And you're driving a Lamborghini. And you're driving a yellow Lamborghini. Okay, now let's see. How much time do you think it takes before high school baseball? I think it takes a little more. I just want to bring up high school baseball. High school baseball.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Whip. Whip. Those dudes can whip that ball. They sure can. So what is the fastest anyone's ever thrown a fastball?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I was going to say 118. Okay. That's just a wild guess, though. Is this going to be that? What do you think it is, Jamie? Do you know what it is? Is this going to be the highest in a game or just the highest? Highest ever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
The best. Right. Because he's probably not the most accurate. Like it's just like in tennis. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Right, right, right, right, right. Like a guy with the hardest punch is not necessarily the best fighter. Exactly. So what is, let's take a guess.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What about in, like, the world record for the fastest ball ever thrown? There's got to be competitions, right? Like they have those golf competitions where dudes just drive the ball. A thousand percent, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
All right, I'm opening up Google to see if we get any high school baseball. Come on, Google. Don't disappoint me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Bro, that's bananas. He's 6'10". So far, it's just wolves and MMA. Let me see.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I've got the debate. I've got upcoming fights. Canelo Alvarez. Connor. Sugar Sean O'Malley and Marab Dwabashwili. Watches. Watches. Cybertruck. Baseball. But you know what would be interesting, though?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Right. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep checking back for high school baseball. And if high school baseball – well, now I'm cheating because I got Google open. I'm going to shut it now. We'll see. We'll see if they get me. Okay. I should have come up with a product instead of high school baseball. Product's a good idea. Like Lamborghini's a product.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're going to try to sell you the product. That would be a better move. There you go. I should have had a product. What would be the product? But I want it to be a product that I wouldn't ordinarily search. That's why I said high school baseball. Right. Like what's a product that I wouldn't search? Have you searched humidors? No. Humidors. That's a good one. Cigar humidor? Cigar humidor. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Cigar humidors. What's the difference? There's so many sizes. Are there some that are too crazy and it's overkill? What's the best wood for a cigar humidor? One of my neighbors built a room. Trying to get away from his wife. He built like a store in his house. He's trying to hide from his wife. It's awesome. He's hiding. I love it. It's fucking awesome, dude. I don't want to do this anymore.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They hate it when it's outside. Like, oh, that guy across the street's got a cigar. So nice to start.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. That was nice. Shouldn't that be legal, Tommy Buns?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I mean, it kind of is. Depends on the mushroom. I take a lot of functional mushrooms. Over the last six months or so, I've been taking Reiki and Cordyceps and...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
an eye mask on and i was like ah i'm just looking oh yeah i've seen all kinds of and then it's 2 30 in the morning and i'm like i gotta take something else so i can go to bed well when i get uh riled up late at night i always feel like an idiot because i was like i've just ruined my sleep yeah if i'm late at night and i've got too many crazy ideas and start freaking me out it just ruins your sleep and the next thing you know it's four o'clock in the morning you're on bed it's it me up i know it was just my own ignorance
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And then if you have a podcast the next day, you got baggy eyes, you look like shit, and your brain is not working so great. Oh, by the way, one of the best supplements for performance, mental performance, when you are missing sleep is creatine. Really? Like creatine, like the workout supplement? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Creatine, the workout supplement, it's really good for workouts, but it's also really good for cognitive function. Didn't know that. Yeah. Never heard that. Well, if you think about it, what creatine does, like Google exactly what creatine does so I don't fuck this up. But what I think it does essentially is it allows your body to hold on to more water. Yeah. There's more water in the muscles.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So it increases muscle volume and it helps. Okay. Here. What does it say? Creatine is compound. What? Body naturally makes, get it from protein-rich foods. It supplies energy to your muscles and may also promote brain health. Many people take creatine supplements to increase strength, improve performance, and help. What happened? What'd you just do?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I was reading it. Okay. Increase strength, improve performance, and help keep their minds sharp. I've never heard this. But the study, the recent study was the positive effects of creatine on people that are sleep deprived. Interesting. It says an increased energy supply to neurons in the brain, which may help with mood and thinking. So it does something with water.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because it makes you gain a little weight from it that I think you're storing more water. So you have a bad night of sleep. The next day, yeah. But I take it every day anyway. I've been taking it every day anyway for like the past six months. Really? Yeah, it makes a difference. It really does. It makes a difference in your workouts.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But what I think – I try to take as many things as possible that are good for cognitive performance. Obviously, like doing a podcast, you need that. Increased water. Here it is. Creatine is an osmotically active substance. Thus, any increase in the body's CR content, creatine content, should result in increased water retention and consequent gains in body mass.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You know what I mean? You're just so well versed. But is it a delusional thing or has that guy had other success in life because he's just super determined?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, that's more recent. They've been talking about that. You know, it's been used as a muscle supplement since like the 90s or been popular since the 90s. Jamie, what does it say about because there was some sort of a study about creatine supplementation to enhance performance with sleep deprivation?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because there was this study that was showing that, you know, your cognitive performance when you just have like four or five hours sleep drops off a cliff. You know, I notice it in a big way. I'm just like it's 70% of like my normal. A single high dose of creatine can temporarily improve cognitive performance during sleep deprivation.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
This is due to creatine's ability to prevent a drop in pH level, improve processing speed, increase intercellular energy consumption, and increase high extracellular creatine availability. Isn't that awesome?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think you have ADD or ADHD, whatever the fuck it is. Confirmed. I think so. But I couldn't... I think we both need Vyvanse, whatever it is. It's fucking awesome. Isn't that the guy who's the vice president under Trump? No, J.D. Vance.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Really? I could not believe it. What's the comedown like?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yo, there's a lot of people out there just turning and grinding all day on amphetamines.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can't believe I'm bringing it up again, but that book over there, Blitzed, is a Norman Ohler book about the Nazis during the Blitzkrieg campaign. They were all on meth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. And they would give more meth to the people that were on the front lines. Like the tank guys, they got the most meth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But if he's correct and he was correct, then it's not delusional.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But the doctors were like, you're dead. And what if he just decides I'm dead and he starts freaking out? Or maybe he goes to Oregon and gets assisted suicide.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
yeah to the ground and cuff them as if they're a dangerous criminal like like he's like he was a violent offender right it was really fucking nuts it is nuts the whole thing's nuts it's not it's nuts but it's also it's like it's nuts both ways right it's like roll the window down Roll the window down. Say yes, sir. Give your driver's license. You're speeding. You're going 103 miles an hour.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're whacking people left and right up in Canada. Yeah. If you're depressed, like you're not feeling good, come on in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know anything about McLarens, but it's fucking dope. I know. I remember when you were reviewing one, when you had that car thing you were doing for a while.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Whether you're a do-it-yourself beast or you prefer professional installation, Blinds.com has you covered. And guess what? You can get your entire house done for one low price. No hidden fees, no showroom markups. What you see is what you pay. No, I get it. Ordering online can be sketchy, but not with Blinds.com.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But they're making cars that just a rich knucklehead can buy that has the most insane speed and power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Or think about the Corvette ZR1. So that has an even lower bar to entry. That's like 200 grand, right? What's a ZR1, the new one? I don't know. I don't know the price on that. But that thing's insanity. That's like 1,100 horsepower, right? Really crazy, yeah. Insane.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know. I'm sure. I'm sure it's other countries, but it's a recent thing in Canada where they're just whacking people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Whew. So it's almost 1,100 horsepower. Fucking bananas. That's so much power for a car. It used to be if a car had 400 horsepower. Like, I remember I got a Porsche Turbo in, like, 2003, and it was 420 horsepower. I was like, this is crazy. That's a bonkers number. It was crazy back then.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Just Google MSRP for ZR1. You really can't get one. You have to have an allocation, right? There's probably... Is that one? One for sale? That's the 3L. $129,000. Oh, it's an 06? Yeah. Oh, that's a Z06. Yeah, Z06 is pretty fucking incredible, too. So that's $129,000. Oh, there you go. The ZR1 is probably, yeah, $200,000.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, Google it. Google it. Because this is something you'll actually find on Google. It's like it's assisted suicide in Canada.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
$200,000 Corvette, while others believe that it will start for much less than that. Oh, so they haven't really got the price out there yet. Oh. Wow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
$400,000 is so crazy. Well, then you got that Hennessy, that Venom thing, that's $3 million. Yeah. So you get like Konya Sags, Pagani. Yeah. Have you seen that Bugatti that has all of its instrumentation is all mechanical, like a beautiful watch? And the steering wheel...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
turns around the gauge cluster, so the gauge cluster maintains in the center of the wheel, and your steering wheel turns around it and it never moves. No. It's fucking magnificent. And what is this in? A Bugatti. Oh, wow. I'm not even a Bugatti guy, because Bugatti to me is like, look at my dick. That's Bugatti, you know? But look at that fucking thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
See if you can find the gauge cluster. Because the gauge cluster is just complete insanity. Scroll up towards it so they get to the interior. I know they have to show it. There it is. They're going to show it. So that's the gauge cluster. So the steering wheel spins around that stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So all that stuff sits behind the wheel, and it's all mechanical clocks. Like, look at it. It's digital and mechanical at the same time. Oh, he's going over it here, yeah. I mean, it is just a piece of art. And this is definitely like $3.5 million. Oh, crazy money. If you could get one, right? It's probably $5 million, but you probably can't even get it. $3.8 million.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
million pounds or is that is that pounds or euros what is that little thing squiggly thing that's pounds pounds so what is three three point eight million pounds i mean it's over four dollars it's an incredible car but i mean you're you basically have a house you're driving around a fucking house that's too crazy and look at that little touch screen pops up look at that screen we look how it spins around says bugatti yeah baby
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's a total look at my dick. It's a big old Italian dick. Hey, Joey, look at my dick. It's incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Is that the Lacey Peterson? Yes. So is that one – is the new one where people are saying maybe he didn't kill her?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Do you know Sam Altman? He's always the head of OpenAI. Yeah. He's always kind of said, I'm not doing this for money. I don't make any money. And they just busted him in a $4 million Kona Seg. They did? Yes. Oh, that's awesome. See if you can find that car, the video of him in that car. Oh, I don't need money. But me, money? I'm not even interested in money.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Look at it. Oh, my God. Go back to the beginning so you can see him get in it. Does it show him get in it? No. That's him in his fucking. Yeah. Elon was mocking him. Look at that. Got a $4 million car. There he is. Hi, busted. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. I think you like money. Look, you don't buy one of those unless you really want to get rich. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you also want everyone to know how fucking rich you are. You want everyone to know how rich. And you're rich right now enough. I don't have a $4 million car. I wouldn't drive with that. I'd be freaked out. I can't drive. I can't park anywhere. What am I going to do? That's crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's like, how much money do you get? How much money do you make?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What are you doing that you're driving a $4 million car? That's so crazy. And you're telling everybody you're not trying to make money? If you're not interested in money, you get a Mercedes. You get a nice S-Class and people get mad at you. You really want people to not get mad at you? Get a Lexus. Get an LS500, cruise around in style. No one's going to get mad at you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, they're fine with that. You have a $4 million car. Hyper car. And you're involved in artificial intelligence, and it's supposed to be open AI, and then all of a sudden it became a private company. There's a lot of weirdness with what happened with the money. Do you know? Yeah, the amount. Oh, Sam Altman car collection. He's got a McLaren F1. Two McLarens. He's got the F1?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He's got some cheddar. Well, he probably already had a bunch of money already, right? So how did he come into OpenAI?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So he's got a $4 million car. That's why. He's got $2 billion?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And also disposable income because you ain't making no kids. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, what did Elon say about it? Because it was something about Elon mocking him. It's like, because, you know, Elon was a part of open AI in the beginning. Then he was like, hey, this isn't so open. Right. What's going on here? And he brought up the threat that this is. Elon mocks OpenAI. What is he saying? How is he mocking him? What does it say? OpenAI, drive one of those expensive cars.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How did OpenAI become a for-profit business when it was a non-profit? Elon says, great question. But also, if this guy was already a billionaire. So was he a billionaire before opening up?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What's the... He's making a point. You sure that wasn't quoting the actual video?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a good question. What's the origin of Sam Altman's wealth? Where'd he make all the... Petter, where he's got a $4 million car. Billions. A $4 million car is also like, look at my dick. Yeah, big time. It's just like the Bugatti. It's a huge flex.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How did that one go? So that one. Canada's controversial medically assisted death program is fastest growing in the world. Damn. Since suicide became legal in Canada, the number of deaths have grown each year. So this is August. So this is just last month. So what is it saying in terms of the numbers? Most recent data shows 13,241 people in 2022. In 2022. Wow. That's quite a jump.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So he's balling. He's already balling. So don't be hating, kids. Fine. The guy's making it. He's out there rocking in the free world. Fucking rad. Yeah. The thing about those cars, those cars are really fun, but you know what my most fun car to drive is? Actually, the most engaging car is my little air-cooled 964. That Porsche RX America, RS America. The red one? It's not the fastest. Yep.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Not the fastest by any stretch of the imagination. It's slow compared to...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, but that car is way faster than my car. That car is pretty fucking fast.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that's like my white car, the GG3 RS, the Shark Works car. Same kind of thing. It's just real raw. But they're not as raw as that little red car. That little red car is like you're on an awesome ride at Disneyland.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Where you're in control. You feel everything. No power steering. There's power-assisted brakes. There's no air conditioning, no heat, no nothing. Light as fuck. 300 horsepower. And it's just a thrill. And it's just... And you just, it just makes your whole body tingle. Yeah. It's like exciting. That is to me the most fun thing to do. It doesn't even, you don't have to be going fast. No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, let's do it next month. It's hard to do, man. Let's definitely do it. Well, next month we probably can't because next month is F1. But after F1's out. After F1. Yeah, after F1's, we'll do another day. The ultimate baller move. The ultimate. Like, all these guys, they want to get fucking Chateaus and France and Poho. This is the ultimate baller move. You get a giant piece of land that's flat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you put yourself a fucking racetrack on it and let's go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a good move. So if you know some cool car people, you can hang out together.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That'd be so addictive. I know. So addictive. I know. Even just in a Miata, just going around in something fun, small. Miatas are amazing for a track. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's not about how fast you go. It's about how much fun it is to go fast. There's cars that go way, like my Tesla is the best example. It goes way faster than anything else I own. But it's not as fun. No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There's a fun factor to the roar of the engine, the feeling of the tires, the shifting the gears yourself, all of it. The fun part.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And everybody today is chasing numbers. They're all chasing Nürburgring times and zero to 60s and quarter miles. Yeah, and it makes you lose sight of the real thrill of driving. It's also dangerous for everybody on the street. You got these Vyvanst up kids out there with a fucking ZR1. Yeah. There's a replica of the Istanbul F1 track in Texas, and it's for sale. Holy shit. Isn't that crazy?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Guy's got an F1 track in his fucking yard. Isn't that nuts, man? That's nuts.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What's that blue shit? I think that's just fields. Oklahoma?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a jump, bro. So 2022 is 13,000. Who knows what 2023 and 2024 is? Oh, man. They're whacking people up there. That's pretty wild. Come on in. Come on in. Will you get a foot hurt? My leg hurts. I'm just sad. Get in here. Fuck life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
50-acre complex for sale. Click on it. How much? For a reasonable price, it says.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Two million bucks. Hang on. For real? Hang on. Hang on. This thing just got juicy. How far is that drive? Find out how far that drive is. Five hours. Hmm. How far is that flight? 20 minutes. There you go. Pretty quick. Let's go. Ship cars there once. Don't make me do this. Come on, dude. Well, I want to get a ranch. I've been talking about getting a ranch for a while.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But I want a different kind of ranch. No, you don't. You want that one. I want a survival ranch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's not survival ranch. It is. It's acres and acres, man. This is a small portion of it. I had Chris Harris on the other day. Yeah. I'd love that dude. Yeah, that dude can drive. If we had a track. Oh, there's an airport right next to it? Yep. If we had a track real close and we could take Chris Harris out, how much fun would that be?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He loves cars, man. When you're around someone who really loves cars, he loves all kinds of cars, too. He knows his shit. I like watching his videos. They're great. Yeah. Fun dude. He got bucked over on that whole Top Gear deal. He did? Yeah. I don't know anything about it. Top Gear's story, how it ended, is horrible. Ended due to an accident.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And he apparently had gone to the producer saying, we have to stop pushing this. Someone's going to get hurt or killed. And then someone got hurt real bad. But he's a real big guy, though. And he got fucked up from this, flipped over a three-wheeler. He got really fucked up but survived. And then they killed the show. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Mm-hmm. He also experienced a shit ton of online hate because he was replacing Jeremy Clarkson. So everybody fucking hated him. But meanwhile, he's like the best auto journalist there is. He's so funny. Such a good guy. And people are mad that he's not Jeremy Clarkson. Like, hey, Jeremy Clarkson is still on the air. You fucking idiots. Yeah. Go over to the Amazon. Get the Jeremy Clarkson.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, he's smiling and laughing. He's going to do more of his own stuff. Good. Yeah, we were talking about that. I was encouraging that. I was like, you really need to be doing your own thing. Like, you're so good at automotive journalists. You're so fun. People love watching you. You should be doing your own show online. You shouldn't be dealing with other people. There's no need for that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's great. I mean, what is this? Is this like, I mean, is it a kind of eugenics? Like, what is it? What is it? I mean, you could say it's being compassionate. And in some cases, like Michael Lair, you know, he went to Oregon. Yes. But Michael Lair, his body was failing so horribly. He couldn't talk anymore.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And also like the Top Gear. Top Gear is a great show and everything like that. But they all want to do like crazy stunts. Like they threw a car off the side of a bridge with a bungee cord attached to it. You're like, my. Why? Why? Why? Why?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And what we were saying was for television, that's what people like. But for the internet, like for YouTube, completely different audience. Then you get enthusiasts. So if you get the newest GT3 RS and Chris Harris is reviewing it, it'll have millions of views. Because you don't want to see a guy who can really fucking drive, who really loves cars and understands them, review the car.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
For the enthusiasts, not for the casual dorks who wants to see a car go off a dam on a bungee cord.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, he gives a lot of good criticism. Matt Farah does a great job with that, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And, you know, Singer is doing a turbo now. Yeah, they are. Oh, my God. There's a green one. He went to go to the factory, and they're showing it. The attention to detail is so fucking incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Damn. That's probably worth a lot of money. See if you can find the Singer Turbo video with Chris Harris, because I just want to see the green one. And it's like, it looks kind of like an old 911 Turbo. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Yeah, that's it. But it looks kind of like an old 911 Turbo, but then when you see the details of it, you're like, oh. They do an awesome job.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
This is way better than a regular. They're fucking gorgeous. Way better than a regular. See if you can find the video. Because the video is incredible, dude. No, that's the video of his original car. This is how I felt. Click that real quick. Because that was before Singer. He had this car made. Oh, no, this is Singer. Okay, this is a different one. How many years ago was this? Like a year ago.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay, this is the dynamics and lightweight study one. This is the crazy $3 million Singer. Oh, my God. This one's different. This one's not a turbo. This is their super lightweight, incredible car. This car is incredible. That's Chris driving, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, but it's immaculate. Immaculate. Singer turbos. I'll put in turbo. Singer, turbo, green. Go to videos. Click on videos. And go to recent. Okay, right there. Where it says more than 10 years? Click that. There you go. Bam. Okay, this is it. So look at that fucking thing. So this is the turbo.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So it looks kind of like a 911 turbo from whatever year that would be, like 1980 or whatever the fuck it was. But it's way more smooth and polished and refined. And when you see it parked and still, it's just amazing. Their attention to detail is just off the fucking charts, man. Yeah. Go back so you can see. So that's the car. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So they're just going over all the things that they massaged and changed on the car and all the details where you get a sense of what it looks like. Look at that thing. That is fucking rad. Cars don't get prettier. They just get different. They don't get prettier than that. They just get different. And then that dark, cool, metallic green, like look at that thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That they can make these... That's not a 964 chassis? They don't start with a 964? On the turbo? I don't know. I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Singer DLS turbo. Oh, boy. Yeah. So it starts as a 964, but this is a DLS turbo. That's a different one. That's a different one. Look how sick that thing looks. That is another level. That's the dynamic, lightweight, study Porsche turbo, which is bananas. That doesn't look anything like anything that's ever existed before.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No. No. Get away from me. There's like a line where I won't cross. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the line? That's the line. Oh, really? Yeah. That looks fucking amazing. Insane. You start getting into million-dollar cars. Like, what are we doing? That's okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's just... No, that's true. It's not a Bugatti. It's also a different kind of thing than a, look at my dick. You know, it's more of like, oh, you know cars.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you know what the fuck gets the wheel spinning. That's, yeah. That's... I just love that there's people like the Gunther Works guy. There's people out there making those things. So fucking cool. I just love that there's someone who just goes so hard. A roof? Yeah. They're not even really Porsches, right? I don't know. They can't even really call them a Porsche.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, and you're still alive. And at the end, it kept getting worse and worse, and it wasn't getting better, so he went to Oregon to do it. He actually went to Oregon once and then changed his mind and came back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But it looks exactly like a Porsche. Like, what is this? I definitely want to see what it's like. Like, go to a roof's website. R-U-F? When you see, like, the new one that they have, that crazy, it's water-cooled, right? But it looks like an air-cooled car, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Must be insane. Yeah. And there's these cars like that that are just, like, completely, look at that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a 993 Turbo base. And so that's their Turbo R that they make. Look at that fucking thing. So this is the one... These are the ones that are weird. The ones that aren't... Like, scroll up. Scroll back up. Rough car... So, that one. So, CTR Anniversary. So that one, I don't think is a Porsche. Really? I don't think it starts off as a Porsche. I think it's all their shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And it just makes it look like... It looks exactly like a Porsche, but I don't believe it has... I think it's a new car... Yeah, see, Monocue completely developed by Ruff. Roof, rather. It's a type of aviation, CTR, reminiscent of the legendary Yellowbird. So the Yellowbird was a Porsche. There was a roof Yellowbird from, like, what was it, the 80s?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Remember that one, that Porsche one that was crazy? But this is not really a Porsche. This is a roof car that they make. That just looks... They're basically ripping off Porsche. Really? Yeah. I mean... What about the other ones are modified? Exactly. The other one, that one was a 993. That was like they take the base 993 and they juice it up. But this one, I think, is entirely developed by them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Wow. Yeah. It's supposed to be madness. Supposed to be total madness. Roof, holler at me, man. Completely redesigned. Yeah. Scroll up so I can see the image of the front.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, there's also something about the size of them, right? They're so small and compact that when you're in them, you feel like you're in a race car. Yeah. You're hunkered in there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know. I don't know what the rules are. But I know that some people are very upset about it because you're taking people that maybe you could talk to them off the ledge.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You got a pink Lambo with the HEB parking lot. It's crazy. Get out of here, bro. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Coming out with giant sunglasses on, looking for attention. To wrap around. He's just trying to get punched.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. That's ridiculous. There's so many people that see people like that, too, and they really want to smack them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They see you with that thing, and they're like, I just want to smack that guy, and it's fucking stupid.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Fuck off. Fuck you. Fuck you. You can't get in front of me, douchebag.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
addictive man i know things they're addictive you ever thought i'd like going to a flip phone oh ari style yeah wasn't that dana too dana had it in the beginning he had a flip phone early on but then it got to the point where you know he has to manage the social media of the ufc so he has to be able to look at things online and you know he's saying your praises we were with him in vegas uh talking about you fucking guy loves you man
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Maybe they could have got better. Maybe with some love and some friendship and some counseling and some therapy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I love him, too. He's great. If it wasn't for him, that sport would not be what it is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It was crazy because in the beginning, I didn't even want to do it. Because I had already worked for the UFC in the past from 97 to 98. I did post-fight interviews. I was like, I'm out. And then they bought it in 2001 and he was trying to talk me into working for them. I'm like, I don't want to work.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I was like, I don't want to do this. But I would ask him, hey, have you ever watched K-1? Do you guys watch Pride? Do you know about this guy? Have you ever seen Funaki fight? Have you seen Hicks and Gracie? He's even better than Hoyce. We started having these conversations, and he was like, how much of this shit do you watch? I was like, it's the only sport I know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't even know the rules to basketball. And they blow that whistle. I don't know what the fuck is going on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Maybe they'd be happy. Yeah. I've met, I've known quite a few people that have taken their own life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. But that's true. I mean, I do watch fights. But when I watch fights, I don't have to say, oh, this guy's got a great question mark. I know. I know what he does. I know what that guy does.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I've seen him fight 100 times. But it really is true that I don't have any clutter in there. Yeah, I believe it. I don't have any football in there. I don't know what's going on with football. What's offside? Why has he got a flag? What's a down? Why is it first down now? What is happening? Oh, that guy got hurt. That's all I know. Oh, that was a bad—oh, he ran with the ball pretty far.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to know. I don't care. I can still enjoy it. Sure. I have room for a couple things in my head, you know, like combat sports things, and I just smash them all together.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Where a sport that I don't participate that I can watch?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What are you guys doing? Cricket? Yeah, I'd be like, what is that? What the hell's happening? Really? Why you got that paddle? You'd be interested. I'll tell you what I really liked watching is soccer. We went to the Austin professional soccer games. Yeah, see a game, yeah. Soccer's legit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Here's one of the reasons why soccer's legit and why it's not going to become successful in America is because they don't take breaks. So there's no fucking commercial time. There's no time to shove Taco Bell down your face. They don't take any? No breaks. Really? Nope. Nope. It goes for a certain amount of time. I forget how long a soccer match is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I'm telling you, if you go to see it live, it's fucking... I've been to multiple games. Incredible, right? Yeah, it's unbelievable. And the arena they have here in Austin is amazing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Like a medically assisted? No, Michael's the only one that I know about that. But, you know, there's Brody. Yeah. Brody was a hard one. There's my friend Tony, who's a pool player up in San Francisco. He jumped off the bridge.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
If you go see it live, you'll get hooked. I'll tell you that. Yeah, the MLS games are. I bet tennis is like that, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Which is crazy that there's a spot where everybody goes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
My favorite place to see fights is in the Apex Center because the UFC Apex Center has no audience. Yeah, it's so small. It's incredible. And during COVID, that was the best thing about COVID for me. How about the Sphere thing? It's going to be nuts. That's this weekend. I know. Yeah, I'm pretty pumped. I don't know what they're going to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know if they're going to show the fights on the ceiling. So you know how they have video monitors in the studio where you always see – the video monitors are showing you the fights of the people that – Well, he told us what they're doing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's what I'm thinking. I'm wondering if you can see the fights take place on the ceiling. Jesus. Which would be an advantage. You see a show there already? In certain positions. No, I have not. Have you? No, I heard it's just.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They should. Yeah. They should mock you. He doesn't just cry. He likes to take photos of him crying and then post it on Instagram. I'm so sad. My daughter went to college. Look. Is this one good? How many did he take before he picked that one?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How's he doing these days? He benders, he goes off, he goes on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's even worse. That's where all the frosting is. What are you talking about? He's a lunatic. Oh, my God. He's still alive. Mm-hmm. I wonder how long he can do that for.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You know, for some people, they don't think it's ever going to get better. I know. And if you don't have support around you, you don't have someone that you can... That can pick you up. And it's crazy how someone can pick you up. It's crazy how you could be just feeling like total, complete shit. And someone who cares about you can come over your house, take you out, have some laughs. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Three weeks later, I see him waddle through the fucking green room at the mothership. I'm like, what the fuck, dude? The fuck are you doing?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You got someone organizing this for you or you're just doing it yourself?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Also, you get used to feeling like shit. Yeah, you do. That's what Duncan's, you know, Duncan had diabetes. Yeah. He got type 2 diabetes from, I think it's from vaping. Sugar, for sure, but also vaping. And the reason why I say this is one of the things he found out, he was getting his blood sugar checked, and it was spiking. And he's like, I don't even understand. I'm not drinking any soda.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you're like, I think I feel better. Yeah. Yeah. We feel better around people. Some people are super isolated, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I'm not eating any sugar. And then he realized that it spikes after he vapes. Wow. Because he was monitoring it. And then you realize, oh, my God, there's a reason why this stuff is sweet. There's fucking sugar in the vapes. That makes sense. I've tried them. And you're like, of course, really sweet. It's watermelon. How else can you get a watermelon flavor?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How else are you going to get a peach flavored vape unless you have some sugar in there?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How are you getting fucking apple flavored vapes? Yeah, of course. There's sugar in there. There's sugar. And so the sugar was spiking his blood pressure. That's insane.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, he got off of it and got on the Zins. And, you know, it's just you don't realize that you're poisoning yourself until you stop poisoning yourself. And you eat really healthy. And he was like, dude, I don't need naps anymore. I have energy all day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that's one of the things that's very interesting about Robert F. Kennedy Jr. being connected to Trump in this election. Really? Yeah, because if Trump winds up winning, they're going to expose our food systems. Robert Kennedy, one of the things that he really wants to do is he wants to expose a bunch of problems we have in our food system. One is glyphosate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Glyphosate, which is used, it's an herbicide. It's used all over the fucking place. It's in a lot of food. Most people they test, there's some incredibly high number of people test positive for glyphosate in their blood. Really? Yeah. Because you're getting it from organic vegetables even. Like some vegetables. I shouldn't say organic. But you're getting it from...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There's some stuff that they just spray it on. I think the most glyphosate, I think it might be corn. What things contain the most glyphosate? Let's Google that. I think it's corn, rice, and different vegetables and fruits.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Our Froot Loops are illegal in Canada. Are they really? Yeah. Because we use dye. There's all these red dyes and shit in our Froot Loops. They have the same Froot Loops in Canada. They're like, no, no, no. You can't put that stuff in there. So they have to sell different Froot Loops to Canada than they do to America. Some of the most common foods with glyphosate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, non-organic cereals and grains harvested with glyphosate. These include wheat, barley, buckwheat, millet, rice, oats, wild rice, popcorn, and sorghum. Wild rice. So you think wild rice. Oh, I'm getting wild rice. It must be healthy. Yeah. Or popcorn seeds.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But a lot of people think that part of the thing that's going on with people, they say they're gluten intolerant, that what's actually, it's not gluten that's fucking with them, it's glyphosate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yep, Monsanto. Yeah, so that's Roundup and so there's that and then there's seed oils fucking terrible for you and they're in everything and they're in everything because they're cheap and it used to be industrial lubricant and they figured out a way to make it
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
somehow or another turn into food it's so fucking sad that we have like also that most people myself included it might even talk about other like you just don't have the knowledge of the like you'd have to right you have to inquire and really be curious about this and you got to dig for a long time if you talk to your doctors a lot of time doctors don't know jack shit most doctors spend a shockingly small amount of time in medical school studying nutrition yeah
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Most doctors, they'll tell you, you just need a healthy diet. I'm like, look at you, doc. Look at you, doc.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He was wildly overweight. Some people just can't control themselves. They don't have a history of controlling themselves, and so they just don't. They just eat. Bro, I remember Ralphie Mae. One time, we all left the comedy store, and we went to a bar. It was Stan Hope, me, and a couple other comics, and Ralphie. I think it was Joey, and Ralphie was going to meet us there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There was this bar that Stan Hope used to like in Hollywood. Back in the day, before Hollywood was a zombie movie. And so Ralphie...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
doesn't show up we're waiting for him like where the fuck is ralphie we're waiting for everybody outside we're gonna all go in together and get a table yeah and we're sitting outside and no ralphie for a long ass time and then all of a sudden like an hour later ralphie shows up and ralphie's back seat was just filled with rappers
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So this poor guy was so addicted that he couldn't get in his car and drive from the comedy store to this bar, which was like two miles away. He had to stop at a Jack in the Box. And tear it up. And this was at a time where he got his stomach stapled, so he couldn't eat any meat. So he wasn't eating meat, so he's eating jalapeno poppers from Jack in the Box. Just stacks of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, he was really sick. He was sick. He ate through his stomach stapling twice. I got to piss real bad. Oh, let's piss. Okay, let's piss. Let's pee. Let's pee together. And we're back. Great pee.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, there's also this internet culture too, right? So there's people that don't have actual physical contact with anyone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
When you have to pee and you can't concentrate, it's so hard to talk. I was just like, your eye starts to flutter. Yeah. It makes me think about those debates. Like what if someone has to pee in the debate? You got to dial your water in just right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're streaming all day and chatting all day on Instagram and jerking off and it's madness.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
If you think you're going to go on stage for an hour and you have to take a shit. Oh my God.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How much time does he have left? He has three minutes left.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I did it once where I ran offstage, and I, you know, the mothership, the way I got to go all the way up. I had to go all the way upstairs and just piss so hard.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. No, no, no, I didn't. It was like I finished my set. Oh, when you finished, yeah. But, like, halfway through my set, I was like, God damn it, I had to pee. But someone was in the bathroom, like, right before I went, and I was like, fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And in a cup. I've done that too. How many times has Ari peed right there? He pisses in fucking kombucha bottles. God. Everything. No. Fucking disgusting. He's gross. He's so gross. He wants you to know he's peeing in the room. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I know. We're getting close to October. Are we going to do something this year? Dude, I'm shooting the whole month here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, it's easy for me. I haven't had a drink since I had a couple glasses. I had a margarita and like a mule Saturday night. So that was it. That was the last time I had a drink.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I was at dinner with the missus. But I haven't had anything to drink since then, which is normal. I can go a week, two weeks. It's not that big a deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
When he told me he could, I really believed for a second he could.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. I really believe that he could do the splits. Yeah. But he couldn't even come close. It wasn't even in the neighborhood where you did a split once in your life and you got to get it back. You know, like maybe. Yeah. Maybe you did it when you were in high school and you can kind of get back there. Yeah. Now, do you still do them all the time? All the time. Okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Especially lately because I've been dealing with like some real stiff back problems because when I shoot a lot of archery, I get real stiff in my right side of my lower back and my neck because my bow is 80 pounds to pull back. So I'm pulling back 80 pounds like 150 times a day. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Everything's tight. So it really helps the stretching. Massage helps a lot, but man, stretching helps so much.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I didn't realize it's not real. Right, right. You live in this make-believe place and you're not having any of the normal human contact that we thrive on. Right. All your contact is like this weird, like, displaced, not connected. It's all weird. Mm-hmm. Which is like if you go to someone's Twitter profile and you see that they're online 12 hours a day just fucking barking at people. I know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's fucking gigantic. Everyone should stretch. And especially for anyone that has stiffness in their lower back. A lot of that stuff, you'd be amazed at how stretching your hamstrings alleviates a lot of stress on your lower back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do a lot of hamstring exercises too, though. I do a lot of Nordic curls. I do those. Those are the shit, man. Once I started getting into those, you know, the knee or toes guy stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you lay flat and you pull yourself up with your hamstrings. It's fucking hard. Really? Yeah, it's hard. Yeah. I do that for sets of six, like six reps, pulling yourself up. The first time I did it, I couldn't do one. I was like, this is crazy. Really? Yeah, because I have strong fucking legs. Like, how can I not do this? This is nuts. I couldn't believe I couldn't do it. I was shocked.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So I really started concentrating on it. Now, I do sets of six, but I think I could probably do nine. If I guessed, I think I could do nine. It's that challenging, though. It's fucking hard, dude. It's fucking hard. I don't think I've ever tried it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay. We'll do it out here. I have one right out in the middle of the lobby. Really? Yeah. I have an extra one if you need one. Oh, okay, cool. Thanks, man. Yeah. I have a bunch of them. I've gotten, there's the Tib Bar guy made me a cool one. And there's a few other ones. What's his other guy, Mr. Infinity, he made one that's really good. There's a lot of ones that are adjustable.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They do a bunch of different things as well as just do the Nordic curls. Like some of them you can do reverse hypers on and a bunch of other lower back exercises. But it's a great one for stabilizing your knee. Really good exercise for – because there's nothing else like it that's like you're pulling your whole – like that's it right there. That's what it looks like when you're doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that looks challenging. It's fucking hard, man. Yeah, it looks like it. But the reason why I really like the Tib Bar Guy one and the Mr. Infinity one is that you can change the angle of it. So instead of starting flat, like the Rogue one that we have outside, you start completely flat. And in the beginning, I had to help myself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What I would do is I'd put two fingers down and give myself a little push with the fingers and then complete the reps with my hamstring and then try to lower myself as much as I could and then catch it. Slowly, yeah. But now I've got to the point where I just go all the way down slow and all the way up no problem. That's cool. And I could do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But it took a while to build it up, and I was kind of surprised because I thought it was going to be one of those things like a pistol squat. It looks hard, but I have strong legs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But I was like, this is fucking impossible. Wow. I'd love to. But you think about that kind of a pull. That's it right there. Who is this one? Tidbar. Tidbar, guys. This one's a really good one, man. So you could use it to do back extensions. You could use it to do reverse hypers. Really top-notch stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And the angle change is huge because you can start it off, give yourself a little bit of an angle so you're already like halfway through the rep and it's much easier and then lower it a little bit and then eventually you get to flat over time. I'd like to try it. Especially for rehabbing that bad knee, the injured knee. It's really good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Anything, I do leg curls, too, with those, you ever use those monkey feet things? Yeah, yeah. That thing's fucking great. And then they have a new one, the Monkey Feet Pro. I haven't seen that. But they have the plates already built into it, and so you can slide a pin out, you know, like those. Yeah. Like dumbbells that do that? Yeah, sure.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, so it's built in and it's flat at the bottom instead of like having a dumbbell that you have to attach to it. That sounds cool. Yeah, that's the new one, the Monkey V Pro. That's fucking huge. But all those different things to stabilize all those muscles and to do knee raises and fucking phenomenal stuff, man. Yeah, that seems awesome.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So if we do Sober October, do you think we should have some sort of a challenge this year or should we? I can't.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Like a dog. And it's giving them some charge. Yeah. It's like an annoying dog next door. And they're just baiting people all day. Speaking of baiting, did you watch the debate? Yeah. I forgot. Let me tell you. Before I say anything, I just want to say, whoever's helping her, whoever's coaching her, whoever's the puppet master running the strings.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Can I stop you right there? Yeah. Did Bert ever have a real hard problem with you stabbing him to death?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because I was like, if my friend did a video where he stabbed me to death, I might be like... How does he really feel about me? Like, what the fuck is going on? He just stabbed me to death on a video.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You did a fucking amazing job. She did a great job. They did an amazing job from the moment Biden drops out, forcing Biden to drop out. Whatever they're doing, whoever's writing those speeches, getting her to deliver them, coaching her. She's nailing it. She nailed that one speech. She's like, say it to my face. She nailed it, dude. And then last night.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And when are you planning? When is that going to get out on Netflix?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
To me, when I was like, oh my God, this is jujitsu, where she was like, if you go to his rallies, his crowds are boring. They're tired. They're all leaving early. My crowds are the best crowds. I have the number one crowd. He couldn't help himself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There's something about having a goal to like a thing that you're working towards. It just changes your mindset. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. When I was getting ready to do my live special, knowing that there was a date that this had to be done, and then it was only on one night. So it was like this super hyper focus of getting ready for something like that. And when I did it, I was like, after it was over, I was like, I want to do that again.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. At first I was like, I'm going to do this one time and I'm never going to fucking do this again because this is a ridiculous idea to be able to do something live to millions of people on Netflix. But you enjoyed the experience. I liked it. But you liked the heightened pressure. I like it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think everybody should do it. Yeah. Everybody's good. You do good shows. You do great sets for headlining sets. Just get it dialed in to where you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And let's fucking go. And just bust that motherfucker out for the whole world. And you don't have to do editing. Okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I watched it. Well, that's got to be, you can't have anybody giving you advice. No. I don't agree. I think if a comic is going to put out a special, it should be that comic special and what that comic thinks should be on that special and that's it. I don't want no... I remember Robbie and Bill Burr were arguing in the parking lot of the comedy store. And Robbie was drunk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And Bill Burr was like, hey, I'm not going to fucking argue with you about what my fucking act is while you're drunk at the comedy store. And it was just like...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
100%. See, the difference in that debate was not a difference in who's going to have better policies, who's going to be better for the country. The difference in the debate, in my opinion, was who was better prepared.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
incredible moment I'm like yeah that's how it's supposed to be you're not supposed to have someone tell you yeah what the fuck you're gonna put in your act sure like do you know how to do comedy no you don't do comedy right shut the fuck up you shut the fuck up this is crazy this is a crazy conversation yeah it's I mean But everybody wants to get in there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's the problem with, like, if you were doing your show. That's the problem with doing anything. Like, imagine if you did your mom's house and you had a bunch of people you were working for.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Especially your mom's house live. Oh, my God. Well, yeah, that wouldn't work. I was at Fear Factor for six years, and I fucking gagged so hard watching that show. I had to turn away three or four times.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But could you imagine if like you decided that like doing your mom's house was too difficult, so you're going to bring in some Hollywood executives to help you?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
She was way better prepared. And even when it came to answering tough questions, instead of answering, she would just say things that she believes. Yeah, sure. And they sounded real good. And that's the soundbite. That's called being a savvy politician. It's also called being someone who's working with a team versus someone who's like – They said, Trump, that deal was the best deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Some actual Hollywood producers that do like keeping up with the Kardashians or something and they're gonna they're gonna help you produce your mom's house I mean I had the fucking And that's so far-fetched that like, you know, it's like it would be such a fucking shit show.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It would be terrible It would be terrible, but isn't it interesting that it's so popular Yeah, that like but people once it becomes popular then they would want to get in on it And here's how we can make it better. Yeah, tighten it up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can't even take – I don't even – when someone asks me to put someone on, even if I would want to put that person on, no, I don't want to put them on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I don't – I don't want to get into that. I only want to have people on the show that I want to have on the show, and that's it. That's the only way I've ever done it. That's the only way I want to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's it. That's what I want to do. That's the beautiful thing about what we're doing and the beautiful thing about today. There's never been a time like that where something can reach fucking millions and millions of people. And it's just, I want to talk to that guy. Yeah. Like, this guy doesn't think the moon landing's real. Come on in. Come in here. Let's talk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You had that fucking hummus cannon guy on. That nutty dude. That dude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Is that guy for real? Like, what do you think is going on?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. What's funny about that is that that used to be how warriors lived.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How many guys are sucking his dick because of those videos?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But that's the thing. Like if someone gets enough followers, there's going to be – out of every 1,000 people, there's a guy that you can talk into being in a cult.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They've never seen a deal like this before. They said, how did you put that deal together? People thought that was just brilliant. Yeah, I know. He's not working with a team that's like, I mean, I know he's doing mock debates.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But meanwhile, being delusional can get you pretty fucking far.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So he is cooking food. What's the food on the left, right there?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Jamie, I'm going to send you a guy that I'm addicted to. I'm addicted to this dude. It's a BS dining experience. And all this dude does is deep fry food. That's it? But it just does it with enthusiasm outdoors. Give me some volume. Go down and get the chicken, not the snake. The snake's disgusting. Go down and get some of that chicken. What's this?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What? Yeah, he baptizes it in the grease. Everything gets baptized. That's a lot of chicken, bro. Oh, yeah. He's cooking for, like, parties. Watch this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I know he did one with, I think he did one with Tulsi Gabbard, but someone needs to tell him, you've got these tiny little windows and you should have all the words ready for those windows. There should be no repeating things.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Can you imagine how good that is, dude? Oh, my God. I get so hungry. And watch when he puts it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Look at that. Look at that. Oh, my God. And he does this with everything. He does it with fish. Go back to his page. To his actual page so you can see all the different... Yeah. So he's got all kinds of shit. Look, he's doing crabs and fish. Look at this. It's all deep fried. Terrible for you. Looks amazing. He's got waffles and everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Fried chicken at Roscoe's with waffles, with butter and syrup. And you get a little piece of the chicken, a little piece of the waffle. Sensational.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's juicy. That's why that guy's stuff looks so good. Oh, my God. Juicy, like a juicy fried chicken.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I got Colonel Sanders the other day. Yeah? Not the other day, about seven months ago. I was just driving. I was hungry. I was like, chicken's probably pretty safe. Let me pull in and get some fried chicken. It just tasted like poison. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what's in this? What kind of oil are you guys using? When was the last time you cleaned the oil? At KFC?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
A random KFC in the middle of nowhere. So I've had some KFC that's really good. There used to be a KFC in Woodland Hills. Every now and then I wanted to cheat. I'd go in there and get some KFC. Fucking bucket of chicken. Let's go. Fried chicken. It's so good. Yeah. So good with hot sauce on it. Oh, baby.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think it is because my daughter has it. I have one daughter that does.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think I've trained up to it too. Yeah. But one daughter is like. One daughter just can take anything. And she's fine. Yeah. She loves it. She's like really hot stuff. Like I brought her some of that Senor Lechuga. I have a partnership with Senor Lechuga. We make some crazy hot sauce. There's like Reapers in it. Yeah. It's potent. She's no problem. So that is kind of. It has to be genetic. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can get down. He's the best. I love Sean Evans. He's great. I just don't want to answer questions while I'm eating hot sauce. It just doesn't make any sense. But I can get down with some ferocious shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No, I think there's some genetic and then there's some buildup to it. But I like it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I like woof. Really? I like woof. And you don't feel like it? I start sweating. My daughter makes fun of me because I'm literally pouring down my face. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Look at your head.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. I put Senor Lechuga on my eggs this morning. I had eggs with elk sausage for breakfast. Babe, you want some elk sausage? I got some. Yes. I'll hook you up. Really? Yeah, I'm going to leave you. I'll give you a bunch. Okay. I got a commercial freezer back there. Okay. I'll definitely take some. Oh, elk sausage is so good, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I like it. I do it on a Traeger, too. I do it on the pellet grill. That's good, too. You get it to a certain temperature. I like that, too. I do it real slow. I do it like 225 degrees and get it up to like 134 internal and then pull it. But as long as you don't overcook it because they do add like a little bit of pork fat when they make it for me because I get it prepared at like a butcher shop.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But you're dealing with a much leaner meat. So you can dry it out. Yeah, you can dry it out. There's like a fine line. You want it like right where medium rare is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, pellet grills are great. That's great. Yeah, and they're so easy. I got the newest Traeger. I had the old one, but the newest one is so much better. It's incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it just makes everything smokier. The effect is better. The flavor is better. It's easier to use. It's got two different probes for temperature. It alerts you on your app. You can lower and raise the temperature on the app. I know. I went out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you see the temperature of the food. You can see the temperature of the grill. And you can say, you know what? It's getting a little close. Let me drop that bitch down to 180. Yeah. And bang. It's incredible. Yeah. Incredible technology. Well, it's just so easy to use. I still like an offset smoker too, though. I have a real offset smoker that I got. That is better.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
The thing about the real offset smoker, it's much more of a pain in the ass, but- There's certain sugars that you get from the wood, the wood itself, like a real piece of mesquite, a real piece of post oak. And you set a little fire underneath there with little sticks and you get it built up and then you dial it in with the dampers. It's like a thing. It's like a lot of work.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Grillworks. Go to Grillworks. I want one of those. This dude, Grillworks Ben, he hooked me up and I had one installed at my house. But it's the same thing. Cranking up. That is great for steaks. Yeah. Just like watching that video. Oh, yeah. Because it's the same thing. You're just using hardwood. So you just got hardwood cooking. You get those flames rising up. Look at that. There's a place.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, exactly. Well, that's the place in Vegas. This is it. Bizarre Meats, Jose Andres' place. That's what they use. I want one of these. I'll get you. I'll hook you up. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll have that guy make you one. Fuck yes, dude. You'll love it. They're the shit. They're the shit. For a steak, that's nothing better. It's incredible. Open fire.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And they have a bunch of different ones. They can either do a custom build or they can just have one like that that's already made. They roll it into your backyard. Yeah. Fucking incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And if you dial it in right, if you use meat probes and you slowly cook it and then sear it at the end. Nothing better. It has that flavor. Like that place, Bizarre Meats in Vegas. Shout out to Jose, man. Shout out to Jose.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's horrible, man. Didn't they kill like six people? A bunch of people died. Yeah, who were just trying to feed refugees. It fucking sucks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
The invasion of Ukraine. They were setting up outside the border. People need to eat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're not even publicizing it. He's just doing it and then people write stories about the fact that he's doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He's genuine. He's like, there's genuine people that are really filled with like real philanthropy, like really want to help people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And his food is insane. Oh, my God. That Bizarre Meats in Vegas is like so underrated.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Tommy Bunz, you're the fucking man. Thanks for doing this, brother. Yeah, of course. Thanks for having me. So when your show comes out, come back and do it again. I would love to. Thank you so much. My pleasure. All right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that's her panic. Fucking calm down. It's a move that, like, comics will do when their material's not that good. They laugh at it. They laugh through it. Exactly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Good call. Good call. All right. Open up Google. High school baseball. Come on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, humidors and high school baseball. Nope. Mostly shit I already look at. Phones. Cars. Halle Berry. Boxers. Michael Jordan. Nope. Not yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe eventually. I'll send you. Right now it seems like all the same stuff that we always talk about. Yeah. Yeah. I will definitely. Science. Black Hole. Stephen Colbert.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No. See, people want to say she's dumb because she's not good off the cuff when pressure's on her. But you don't understand what that kind of pressure's like. Like, the kind of pressure that that lady has been under for the last—let's just think about the pressure she's been under for the last four years is being vice president. Mm-hmm. Everybody hates her. A lot of gaffes, a lot of dumb things.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So every time she's saying something, in the back of her head, she's like, don't fuck this up. They're going to come for you. They're going to use this against you. Don't say, did you just fall out of a coconut tree? Don't say that one again. You know what I mean? So there's that kind of pressure. So it's very hard off the cuff. But when you give her time and prepare her, like last night...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
it's a good showing for her for sure very very good showing and unfortunately for him like the thing that he does that it's just like he can do it better than anybody alive is just riff he can go out there and have a crowd of people and just and he's funny man he does things about like he did an Elon impression the other day it was hilarious he's very funny he's killing people he kills like a comedian who don't like the guy still will have to acknowledge that he's funny he's funny he's funny like a comic yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
So true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
72?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
52.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
How long have you been in the game, rapping and shit?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
14?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
I want pussy now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
You eat all the food? We don't shop because there's no food left for you. You're so fat and so black. We never see so black fat like you before. Exactly what they said to them. Exactly. They were like, oh, you're very big. American football player.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
I'm so fat. Oh, you're so big. Why are you so big? You never stop to eat. You eat all the day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Definitely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Look at the fat man jump in the water. We eat you now, fatty.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Yeah. And I am at the face level with your pussy. He's a lover. Yeah. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Yeah. I'm going back on the market. I'm ready to fuck again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Fuck you. After I come, I say, voila, and I leave.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
Okay. Let's start this show. Let's start this show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808
It's sexy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Battle Creek, Michigan. I am coming to the Fire Keepers Casino on Friday, May 9th. Tickets go on pre-sale next week on Thursday, February 6th at 10 a.m. Eastern with the code TOMMY, T-O-M-M-Y. Later this week, Savannah, Georgia and North Charleston, South Carolina. Tickets and info is at tomseguro.com slash tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was a legendary classic appearance. And the boys did the right thing. They didn't even have to be asked. There is an incredible super cut.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Let's just get into position and enjoy this, everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
They're bringing you another one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Now pull it down. Not from there. From the bottom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's not hanging.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You want another coffee?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Thank you, Heather.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
We can do another coffee.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yes. Been a few times already.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yes, hours ago. And did I thank you enough?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I'm so glad that we were all able to do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You want another coffee for real?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
This will be number four or five that you're having, just so you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Thank you. Reach the other way. No, no. Closer to you. Below. Here. Here. Right here. Just make sure. Oh, thank you. Thanks, Jack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Unbelievable. Truly remarkable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And drank a lot. And drank a lot. And had five coffees. I mean, it was.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was unhinged. Yeah. She was totally unhinged.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, I haven't spoken to her since. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, I had the flushing and the rinsing going the whole time. I was rinsing. And what I love about the washlet, the built-in bidets of modern society, is that you can wash as you shit, and then sometimes you keep shitting through the wash. Whoa. What? The spray will hit your asshole. What? And your asshole goes, what's that? And then you just keep shitting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
She did?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Who knows if we'll ever see her again, but that was a pretty memorable episode.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
We'll see. Hopefully I'll have an update for you soon if she's still alive. All right. So this you're going to absolutely eat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
All right. Hey, Jeans. Big fan of both y'all and YMH Podcast. That has helped me deal with a lot of hard times in life. You guys have made me laugh when I've had the shittiest day. I'm very thankful to be alive at the same time as y'all. I'm a tattoo artist from East Tennessee. I've always wanted to give myself a YMH tattoo, but didn't really know exactly what to do. That was until...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I saw Christine's amazing artwork of Tom choking practically to death just trying to say the word Netflix. I can't name a more pivotal moment in all media that is more deserving of a tribute. The entire world practically stopped to hear if Timothy would make it through such a dangerous word to say out loud.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And I think we're all in a better place now that he had made it through such a life-threatening situation. To commemorate both an amazing piece of art and an unforgettable moment in history, I chose The Choke. as my YMH tattoo as a gift to myself. I hope I made Mommy Jeans proud, and I hope Tom gets the speech therapy he needs. Mwah. Skylar, here you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
oh my god it's perfect believable it's how did you do it's identical no is that real am i being am i being duped no you're not being duped that's real that is holy shit he really did it perfectly you know my favorite part about this too is that there is going to be somebody who goes like who is that what is that and he could be like oh you like do you like stand-up
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You ever see Tom Cigarette and they'll be like, what? I'm like, yeah. And he's like, yeah, that's him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's incredible. It's really, really remarkable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, Skylar, you are incredible. I think we need to send him something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Guys, please reach out because that is remarkable. Please share any future interactions you have from people when they go, what the fuck is that? I would love to hear that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I know. You've told me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
um i'm excited i'm excited to see what you you're such a prolific artist thank you i just want to see what comes next you know but like they say in the art world you know you don't want to put out too much this is true you don't want to lower the value of your work so this is true this is why i'm parsley yeah like we did the first one the second one i'm gonna what are you doing you're
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I'm roguing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So this one, I have diarrhea ready to come out of me. So just let me show you this real quick. Yeah. I guess I'm a little antsy. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I want to. So here you go. This is a, we found another Kevin Spaniel's classic here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's what I'm saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, I'll shit right through it. What? Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Zero sugar flavor combining notes of ripe, freshly picked raspberries and citrusy, zesty lemon. I'm a fan of all these flavors. I like all the stuff they make. Oh my gosh, I'm hooked on the white peach sugar free. White peach is what's up. Every day. I even like brostrary. What? I mean strawberry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Just one stick plus 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. Embrace your ritual with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code YMH at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop for better hydration today using the promo code YMH at liquidiv.com.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It feels kinky. I like it. I like it. This is like, man. Anyway, I just feel like I could shit at any moment again. I really do. Seriously? Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And we're back and super excited for our guest. You can check out his new podcast, Jim Norton Can't Save You. It's Jim Norton, everybody. Oh, Jim Norton.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I can't believe this is a long time that this has not happened in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
i know we keep every time i'd be here you would be away yes you're on tour somewhere or like when you guys were available i wasn't here so i'm happy it's finally happening yeah i'm so happy to see you man me too we are huge huge fans oh thank you yeah you're an amazing comic um obviously you've been doing uh great radio and podcasting forever too but this is fucking this is a treat man Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Now watch me bomb for an hour. No, you're always good. You're always good. We actually did that show together. Wasn't it the three of us that did that? In Pittsburgh. In Pittsburgh. And that was 2014. What? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You remember that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And everybody did. It was like 10 people or something like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was 2014.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was 2014. Yeah, it's depressing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Or maybe 15. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Wow. I have no memory of that. I remember very well. It was, yeah. Oh my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, we all were. Yeah. Oh, thanks. Yeah. No, you're, because I mean this honestly, your standup is so good. You are definitely an underrated, as much success and everything that everybody knows, your standup is so good. Oh, thank you. The thing I like watching is like somebody who's like willing to take risks and go for it, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And I feel like you're one of those guys that if I watch you, I'm like, man, I got to fucking step it up. Like, which is a good thing to have. You know, it's a good feeling to have.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I mean, I traveled. Who knows? Yeah. I ate right before we left. I had salmon and rice, which is fine, but you never know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, I mean, like, but I think that thing, too, about like watching you be super open and honest. I think even as a comedian, you're watching it and you're like, man, I need more of that open. You know, I mean, it's like it makes you go like, oh, I should just share that thing that I'm scared to share.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You never know. It'll take a few days to adjust and then I'll leave again and then I'll shit crazy again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Because then it's like, then they go, okay, well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
She's pregnant and I did it. We're pregnant.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It is like a type of couple too. Yeah. They're a little bit like full of themselves, right? You can tell when they say we a lot, it's somebody who goes, well, that's the right thing to say. Sure. It's kind of like the, I don't know, the ultra liberal type that goes, we are doing this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Did I get upset?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Probably. You probably deserved it. Here's the truth. I still was going to Hawaii.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's pretty cool. You ready to start the show? Yeah, of course. Let's do this real quick. Here we go, everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I do remember this, though. I remember in college. I there was a time where one of my roommates, Casey, and I were just like, you know, we had an apartment. We had it for we stayed for the summer. That was the thing where like people went, you know, like in college, went back home. Right. And we stayed and we were like getting up, working out together, hanging out during the day, watching movies.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And then we went to a party there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
at somebody's place at an apartment and as we were leaving i remember i turned to the person i was like thanks uh thanks for having us and we walked out and i was like yo that's what a couple would say man yeah i go i just thank them for having us like we are a unit like we're a gay couple now and i was like i think we're hanging out too much because i'm like referring to us as one yeah yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I mean, I don't think I put that much thought into it, honestly. I really was just like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It annoyed you, though. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was very selfish, very self-centered. I also remember, like, start of the marriage, you being like, you saying something about a we thing. Like, we are getting this place. We have a place. Yeah. And I was just like, who fucking cares? Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Common law stuff?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, there's a thing that I know that I think in Texas, because there's certain states where you can date somebody for, and it's over a certain amount of time. Seven years, I think. And not married. And then they have claim to property.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Let's see.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, good. Thank God. Yeah, yeah. Texas does, I bet, right? Texas is a common law state. Yeah, two weeks. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Informal marriage. To marry without formalities. Okay, what is the requirement? You have to be 18, not related. That's good. Not married to anyone else. They have to, yeah, cohabitate. They must agree to be married, though. Oh. So that's an interesting thing, is that they must present themselves as married. What is the proof of that, though? That's exactly what I wanted to ask.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. So many people do that scam, too. I've met so many people that have done it for somebody else. And you're like, you're married? Well, you know. Yeah, they just like hook them up with the green card, though. It's crazy. It is crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Sure. She is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I love how this is like a real thing that I don't think people talk about enough is how many people
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
don't have somebody it really is a huge number of people you know that are out there that going through life and they go like if you talk to people you'll realize you meet people who are like oh i haven't had some people are like i haven't had a relationship in 13 years yeah it's you know they just kind of like settle into that i remember i argued with an ex-girlfriend years ago i was like 22 and i still remember she's like you're gonna die alone
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You're somewhere in between it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Will's got a bit of an angle. He's kind of like, you know, he's like... Basically, he's like, playing with another guy's balls is the straightest thing you can do. And you're like, wait, what? He's always kind of... There's an agenda. Yeah, he's got a bit of an agenda, which is to let him touch your dick. Yeah, that's true. It's men being men.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. And it's disguised under this, like, this is what warriors did. Like, he's always like, the Spartans did this and the samurai would lick each other's nipples. Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, listening to it, like, really? He's like, yeah, so do you want to do it? And you're like, I mean... A dear friend of mine, Jose Menendez, used to say the same thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I think also what you're pointing out is that there, I mean, you're kind of the living proof that there really is a scale on this. You know what I mean? It's like a fluid kind of thing. It's not just black and white. Right. Because your own sexuality is kind of in the gray area, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, there's a balance. I mean, I think also in like, you know, in kind of scoping out an hour, like I think about hours a lot now of- You know, if you have like that type of material, you want it to be like 15. Yeah. Probably max 15 of that. Yes. So you don't want an hour on blowing and coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So it's like like you've got to kind of like shape. I mean, we're always trying to shape like in the hour that I'm out with right now. I have done if it's for 15 minute chunks, I've done them in every order. Yeah, I mean, and trying to figure out what order is best.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And I feel like currently I feel like I figured out the order to do them in because you don't because sometimes I go like, oh, that chunk at the end doesn't feel I should end with that. I feel like I got to move it up. And you're always just trying to, like, make it move around.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But I try to balance it between, OK, stuff I'm talking about from my life, general observational stuff, you know, et cetera, like having some balance to it all so that it's not just one note. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
What's everybody? It's time for another podcast. We have a very exciting episode today. Jean, how are you feeling?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. Well, that's very, I mean, that's a super mature approach to this thing. You know what I mean? From you, I'm saying to like, I'm not going to blow this up. I'm going to keep doing it until if somebody doesn't want to do it. But now you're making the, the, the kind of the transition right to, to the podcast.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's part of the stuff, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
We all have. I guess so, right? We all have. It's just a matter of they haven't found them all yet. That's really what it is. If somebody wants to write the code to search all the audio of things we've said, it could be very destructive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
if you've never claimed to be righteous yeah what the fuck are they gonna take us down on like nobody we never claim to be in the right about at this point they couldn't like they can't take this away they could just take something else i'm doing away basically and they can't take touring away right so they they they can't take like the two main things in my career away thank god for they could just be like oh you can't be on this tv show anymore okay
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It is starting to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, that era was all about, like, you guys and Stern people. It was either, like, fines and suspensions and firings. Like, it was a regular thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was a good time, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So are you enjoying the podcasting?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Exactly, yeah. You dictate it. I dictate it, yeah. That's kind of fun. I remember one of the reasons I even wanted to do a podcast was I went on another guy's podcast, and I was just like, oh, I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it this way. You know what I mean? It bothered me. I'm like, why wouldn't you ask that guy that question? Right. He was like, I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So that was just like the same kind of thing. You're like, I'd rather do it the way I want to do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, man. Your crew, your core group, I think amongst comedians, is one of the favorites to admire and look up. You know what I mean? People love... hearing about you, Colin, Patrice, Rich, like as a group, you guys seem to have like the, one of the coolest classes of people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He would really enjoy that. Yeah, his name is brought up constantly for all this. I like it. I love that people see him that way. Yeah, the memory's alive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I remember getting those tapes. We had, like, Otto and George, like, tapes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, it was crazy. Like, passed around.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, I went to college, and everyone goes like, huh? Because I went to Lenore Rhine College? I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, that's the face.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And then they're like, is that a real school? I'm like, yeah. I mean, I was a terrible high school student. I got through college all right, but... Yeah, I don't think I could have used a degree less, you know? I mean, communications major, it's nonsense. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking, it's just four years of fucking around. It's not, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Isn't that crazy? That's fascinating.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, I don't go to any of that. I like my high school. The funny thing is sometimes I'll think about college and the only thing I go is like, oh, yeah, it really is the relationships. In other words, like college connected me to some people that are meaningful to me, right? Like certain friends. As far as like I couldn't tell you about a class or a goddamn single thing I learned, nothing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Wow, that's terrible. Huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I've lost myself on the phone, on the can before on my phone. I know that. You think I don't know that? How long have I been here? Oh, I know. I have no idea how much time has gone by.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I did not have a crush on him. I was definitely not going there with it. But he changed my life. He opened up my brain. I'll tell you my most fond memory. This is how you know that I was a comedian in a class is that in communications...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
there's different tracks you can take and I took TV radio production and there was a class on advertising and what I still remember is our professor teaching us about like ad copy and like how you have to you know how the process goes and how it can like there's a there's a template you used for an ad this is like in print advertising and how it could go sideways
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And he cited this example and he brought up the image on the screen of a newspaper, I think in North Carolina, that was advertising for a sporting goods store. And the ad said, wear these skis and you'll ski like a... And I laughed so hard. And nobody else laughed. And I was just like, oh, no. He was like, that is so inappropriate and so awful. And I'm sure you can find it, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You can probably find this thing somewhere online. Yeah. And so this was like the example that he gave. And I was like, yeah, you'll ski like a f***ing niece. That's rad. It appeared in The Observer or something. I mean, that's so funny. It's so funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I mean, this guy did not. If you go back one, if you quote that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And you put images, I bet you it comes up. Right there. See where it says $79.97? Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, stop.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And this guy was like showing us on the board and being like, you know, I'm laughing. He's like, why would you laugh at this? I'm like, because you ski like a . And because it made it through. It made it, yeah, of course, it made it. What it is, it's like, it's just being a little rascal, right? It's like, it's very rascally. It is very rascally.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's like a little kid getting away with like, ha ha.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Exaggerator.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Always. Inappropriate is my, that's like everyone has their button for laughing. Anything inappropriate, like the person cursing at the gala. You know what I mean? Like, the juxtaposition of, like, you shouldn't do this here, I will always bust out laughing in tears.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Absolutely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's so good. Ah, my gal. Oh, yeah, vandalism is, like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I wish I would have thought to do that. This reminds me, I always think about Brendan Walsh when this stuff comes up. You know Brendan Walsh? He's such a rascal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. He's such a rascal. That name is hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He's just like, this is him. Oh, yeah. This fucking lunatic. He always has done these like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
pranks but they're like for himself sometimes too like he got he he was in some zoom um it was for like i don't know it was like that's the thing is it just for him during the pandemic you know everybody was zooming and it was like i forget what the topic was people were discussing i don't know if it was like public health or something and he would he got in on these and there'd be like six strangers talking about this this topic it could have been book reviews or something
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And he found somebody, he would find people like on Craigslist to join the Zoom. He'd give them $100 to be just sitting there like a guy. And then at one point he would just tell them to stand up naked. And so these people would just stand up and their dick and balls would come across. Everyone would be like, whoa. And then he would be like, what's going on? Like he set it up. He set it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I'm taking huge dumps today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
They're beautiful. They're so beautiful. They are. They're very nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Or he also did that billboard thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
In Silver Lake. In Silver Lake. Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Where it was a T-Mobile billboard. And it had huge images of cell phones with texts in it. And it was like, sign up for our new plan. Yeah. With one of these. And he went up there and did that to it. Your father passed away. Oh, my God. What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Dude, this was brilliant. Well, they were closed. So the first thing was this neighborhood gay bar. Yeah, it was a gay bar.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
In Silver Lake, which is like the east side. Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's near Los Feliz, right? Yeah, near Los Feliz. And the bar was closing. And so, you know, like the local community was like, oh, I can't believe it's closing. So he went there. Had a like a big banner made, hung it up and then set up a Web site so that they would be connected. And this is a this is the most liberal kind of, you know, very tree huggy kind of area of L.A.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And he this the sign said coming soon. Silver Lake Gun Club. Yeah. and and dude here's put the website which was like html built and had an eagle just like going like this and and he put up a phone number that people could leave and he goes he's like yeah i just i just listened to people they're like we do not want this neighborhood
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And then sometimes he said he would answer when they would call and he'd be like, Silver Lake Gun Club. And they're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm just, this is America, man. I can do what I want and like hang up on them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Just listen to them get fired up. This is all for his own amusement.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Is the website still live if you went to the website?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's really funny. Yeah, there's people like him, though, you're saying, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Um, I just want a little bit of alone. I want a little, just don't bother me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's really funny. I know, it's kind of like when sometimes you're around guys who are just comedy writers only, and some of the shit that they just come up with as an idea for a scene or something, you're like, wow. They have just a gift for that type of creativity.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I like doing that kind of stuff, and I think I'm okay at it, but I definitely think there's people that are far better.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I think I'm okay at it. I think what happens is once you put yourself in a room with the people who are really good at it, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, Colin Quinn's great at Twitter. The great tweets?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Um, I could do, I mean, as a kid I did magazines a lot, so I like magazines, but we don't have magazines in there anymore. We used to. No. Um, yeah, your phone and just, just.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, yeah. The conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about land, but in my opinion, there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, this is amazing. I'm not a racist who believes in white privilege, but I do believe very strongly in white power.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I had like waves of caca come out and I feel more ready. Isn't that crazy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, his stand.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And then you learn on his hours and shit, too. Yo, that's another. Which is kind of annoying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I remember with Dave, too, I always tell this, but when I had worked with him, this is close to 20 years ago, and he was really complimentary, and I was just starting, I was like, this is fucking amazing. And then I saw him like a year later, and I did a set, and I did one of those jokes from the year before. And he was like, you're still doing that, huh? And I go, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I don't think that happens to me because I'll read articles. I have New York Times, LA Times, Wall Street Journal. I'll read articles.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He goes, you're not writing? And I go, he's like, it's 20 minutes. You don't have a new 20 minutes? And I was like, he goes, what, are you going to be like an actor or something? And I was like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, yeah. For sure, man. And I think my maturity is in accepting it. Like in the times when I go, well, how about he's just great? You know what I mean? It's like when you play sports, and you're like, fuck. And then one day you just go, yeah, he's just the best guy on the team. That's just what it is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I mean, I, I don't, I feel like I'm kind of, I, I feel pretty much in that where I go, you know, I'm really lucky. I'm really happy that I get to work and I have a fan base and you go, yeah, there's just days where you go like, you know what? I'm pretty proficient at what I do, and some people really like it. And then you go, when people talk about the best of the best, you go, it's these people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I just read an article this morning.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And I guess depending, I don't want to act like it's the same every day, but I think there's a point where you just go, yeah, that's who they talk about. They talk about those guys. And that's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Sometimes it's people in car accidents, and sometimes it's an article.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, I know. I think it's a... I feel like it's kind of just this process because another year goes by and you're like, yeah, I'm not in that group. Are you on lists? I never wind up on lists. Never. I'm never on lists.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's not that that's a lot of it. It's all of it. It is what it is. It's bullshit. It's not real. It's not even to diminish... Those people who are super accomplished.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But lists are PR machines. Yeah. That's what that is. A lot of times people on a list, a lot of times all have the same PR person. Yeah. And sometimes they're plugged into this thing. And, you know, it's almost like I think the longer you do it, too, when you start reading like reviews of a special and somebody is like, you'll remember where you were.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
this doesn't this isn't really accurate you know it's this is just one person's feeling it's just like if if i wrote it it's just my feeling so but yeah on a top 10 list i'm never at top 10 i mean i'm talking top 100 i just oh stop there he is oh the same list okay
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, sometimes I get lost in a loop of cool stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, it's on writersbone.com. Thank you, Writers Bone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, I'm just seeing it. I feel refreshed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
New sense of confidence. Yeah, this is pretty great. Can you find any more lists? Like good ones, though. Oh, 79 comedians to check out. We have to be on that, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Has a massive fan base. Cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
This is probably old.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Accidents. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He's like the prototype when they go, this is how you should, this is a comedian.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Very clever guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I don't really want to watch violence. I'd like to see like, you know, somebody snowboarding and their knee snapping or something. You know what I mean? Something like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Thank you. Jerks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I always like the darker stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I've always, it's like the same reason, like, I don't watch PG movies. No. I like watching rated R movies. Like, that's what I, and I like watching rated R comedians. Like, that's my favorite thing to watch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, my God. Incredible. Also, I used to watch, as a kid, I would watch the Newlyweds, right? What was it called? What was the show that he was on from, like, the fucking... Oh, yeah. The Honeymooners. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to watch that as a kid all the time. He's a, he's like a, it's like a clinic in funny, natural acting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I don't like it. Never let it happen. I don't like being spoken to when I'm browning.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You got it, dude. Audrey Meadows was the only cast member of The Honeymoons to receive residual payments for the show throughout her life. This was due to a clause in her contract, which was the result of her manager's fault.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Next time you come to that door.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
boundaries to where they could work in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So here's what I love about Unk, if you don't mind. It's been a while. What I love is that he's never changed. I like somebody that's consistent. And if I had introduced you to this man 10 years ago, it would be the exact same video that it is today. There is zero evolution, zero. He's still putting out a consistent message.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Let me, can I ask you to throw the cans on for just one segment here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So, because I always, I think you're the perfect person to do this with. Oh, yeah. Great. Is there, can you hear well? I know you have audio.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So we'll show you these videos. Sure. Just a few clips, and you just tell me whether you think it's horrible or hilarious. Okay. So we just like to play these for people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's horrible and it's hilarious. It's both. It is both. Just one more time. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, yeah, we can all, I mean.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Because you get confident sometimes around a pool. You're like, I'm going to have fun now. I'm a kid again. And then, yeah, you forget that you can break everything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Concrete, steel, and yeah. Or a shallow end. It can all go sideways for you. Yeah, you can wind up in a wheelchair easily. Oh yeah, this is pretty reckless. These guys are kind of assholes, man. Yes. Like people are standing around and this is... Oh, that's not cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
She's fucked up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
She's super fucked up. She is, yeah. But it's hard not to laugh because you know something's about to happen. Yeah, you do. And those guys are going, you know, that's definitely more than 30 miles an hour. That's a dick move, yeah. That's a dick move.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And they're real crazy because you could have cleared it. You know what I mean? You could have found a path. No, it's not normally like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And that's not, I've seen really bad ones. That wasn't bad at all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I would wager that if you go to his Instagram page, there are a few hundred videos, maybe with this hat on, And every video is basically the same. It's so crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's right. And also, this is where you can tell that there's going to be a real problem is right when he's about to, yeah. He's reaching for it. You're like, oh, that's going to be bad. Let's see. The bar. No, it doesn't look like a standard bar, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But it looks like it's not there. It's almost like an e-bike maybe because it's such a chunky area. Like a beach cruise?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Like a cruiser?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He is, yeah. But he got lucky there. Saved his balls. Saved his balls. All right, this one. His teeth are gone, but his balls are gone. This is my final one. There you go. Oh, my God. Did he lose his shoes? I mean, he lost his face. He slid on his fucking face. Oh, that one got me. Yeah, that one got me. Oh. Poor fat idiot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, it was just like... Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, he's still got it with his buddy. These are two dicks and khakis. Wearing the same outfit, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
They're wearing the same outfit, these fucking morons. Oh, no. Clearly been drinking. Look at the stumble starts there. That's where he starts to go wrong.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No way I just saw a video of a tiger Attacking a guy have you seen this was it in a cage in India? Yeah, I think I think it's in some type of like it looks like it's like there's no reason for a person to be there and other people would be outside of it. Right. So it must be like at a zoo or something. But anyways, he doesn't die. And the aftermath is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
How long did it last? That sounds really nice, Tom. Huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I watched it last week. I don't know how long the attack... So what happens is it starts with these tigers around this dude, and then somebody shoots. They're trying to make the tigers run, and the tigers scatter. But then one comes back and starts gnawing on the guy and clawing on him. And then it just goes to the hospital footage. And these wounds are just... I have it on my phone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I'll show it to you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He's not intimidated by like- A lot of big cats too, even in the wild, they like to play with their prey before they eat it. So sometimes people are like, oh, that's cute. Like it's playing with that gazelle. You're like, no, it's going to eat it in a little bit here. He's having fun right now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yep.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Nature is very unpleasant. Yeah. And then intestines fall out. And they're like, this is delicious. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, they like to eat the soft tissue first. So that's why they'll eat organs like that first.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, that makes it nice and warm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So they'll eat like intestines. Because they're like, oh, it's easier to eat. And then they're like, all right, now we'll work through the tougher stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Let's just pick one. Go ahead and hit that one. What is it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's very hard to read. All right. The new podcast is called Jim Norton Can't Save You. There's episodes out now. Yes. You're going to have guests that you choose to have on whenever you want. And you also have another podcast with Nicky.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
All right, we'll see you guys next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Tommy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Would you marry your dad? Yeah. Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. Go to the next one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He wants to eat them draws. He always says that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I feel like I took something to make it. I didn't take a laxative.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Cooling.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Next one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No. I took that. I tried that. Sean had told me, oh, try this all bran. And he measures it out like a lunatic. He's like, take exactly 17 grams or whatever. I'm like, whatever. I made a small bowl of it, and I was like, oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's a lot of one loves.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Click the next one. hey look one more i forgot i forgot i mean but i got it yeah i'm trying to tell you i forgot okay i think we got it um so yeah it is the same exact thing than when we first saw him um a number of years ago and it has not evolved and that's exciting to me
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's like RPC. He has his style. He does his Lucifer's Lair, you know, a lot of touch in the chest, talking about what he likes. And then here's Unk. Although I remember that RPC doesn't like being associated with Unk. Of course. And is not a fan of his.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He's a clothing designer, porno actor, singer. He does stand up like he does a lot of different like his. You cannot compare these pages.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
ZBiotics is backed with a 100% money back guarantee. So if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember, head to zbiotics.com slash YMH and use the code YMH at checkout for 15% off. I know that none of you watch porn. But just in case you have any friends that do, help me pass along this important PSA. Incognito mode does not make you incognito.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Check the fine print. All your late night activities are still 100% visible to a ton of third parties, unless you use ExpressVPN. Without ExpressVPN, others can still see the sites you visit, even in incognito mode. ExpressVPN encrypts your traffic to keep your browsing private. ExpressVPN hides your IP, making it tough for anyone to track you. Super easy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash YMH. You can get an extra four months free. ExpressVPN.com slash YMH. No, look at his content.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
it was an emergency yeah but doesn't that make me feel lighter huh well yeah but i didn't do that so i just i got home late last night and then you know slept a little bit got up i don't even had i eaten yeah i ate a little i had a little bit i had berries and eggs oh eggs make you shit well this was i mean i thought i was gonna have a little boom boom and it was so much
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Fun men to meet. Like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, he does. This is a totally different thing. I mean, look at those birds. It's fucking amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's Lucifer's Lair. What do you think?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's the same message.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I understand what you're saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I don't know. I mean, also, how many pages does RPC have on Instagram? Does he have a few still? At least 10. 10 pages? At least. Could you pull up another one? Sure. Just want to see. Oh, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Cool. Oh, wow. Oh. Oh, did he give a shout out to... Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. I did not sell my ideas.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, you know, IP is a real big thing these days. Of course. You know what I mean? And yeah, I would definitely side with RPC on that. Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You're good. I'll just say this. If you are visiting the greater New York area and you are a hot black or Latino man and you're looking for a good time, I would take him up on this offer. You can use Google Maps and just type in Robert Paul Champagne RPC. It'll take you exactly to where, there it is, right there. 2390, second half of New York. Yeah, Wagner Houses, apartment 2C.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Just ring the buzzer and he will buzz you right in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, well. Whoa, wait a minute.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, let's move on to something that, frankly, can't really wait much longer. Sure. There's two things, really. One is that Charo was here last week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Holy shit. Was that something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Prime Video bringt spannende Unterhaltung. Erlebe Star-Koch Andreas Caminada und seine Freunde in Dinner Club, enthalten in Prime.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
It does.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Fucking...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
He went.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Erlebe die neue Crime-Serie Mobland mit Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan und Helen Mirren. Jetzt nur auf Paramount+.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
That's a killer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
That's what these guys do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Egal worauf du stehst, das alles gibt's hier. Prime Video. Klicke oder tippe auf das Banner, um mehr zu erfahren.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Yes!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
We gotta cut this out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Next week on Friday, April 4th, I'll be in Oklahoma City at the Paycom Center. Go get your tickets at tomscrow.com slash tour. Welcome to another episode. This is a really exciting day. It is. I'm pumped about this one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You hang out with, and you're in a male dominated business. That's correct. You're always around like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The funny thing is, these guys who talk like this, They think that the most successful guys that are like way more successful than them are doing this. Fuck you, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like in their mind, that's what a really powerful guy is like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, from Wall Street.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's so funny because your bullshit meter just, I mean, for me personally, just fires up so high. You watch a guy like this and you're like, Huh? What is this? What are you doing? No. Why are you posturing like this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And if you've got time. We're going to make fucking money, motherfucker. Huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There's a good chance this plane isn't flying, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This could be a TV set plane, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Prove it. How come when I'm flying, how come I don't see a big curve?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, the giveaway is usually the audio, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And I could be flying. I could be flying, yeah. He also was probably like, all right, we've got to split this 15 ways. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Each of you can give me up for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
One, two, three, four, five. They wouldn't allow this many. Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. Yeah, there's at least... 12, the flight attendant, 13, 14, 15. Yeah, it's a lot of people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You can't. It's max capacity, right? He was like, you guys can come, but no luggage. All right? Just fucking put everything in your pockets that day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No. These guys are basically sitting on each other's laps, literally.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't know any fucking gay shit, but you can fucking sit over here if you want. Yeah. This is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Tanner, you want to go to Andy Elliott Business School?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And you go and you're like, look, I got some of my testosterone up by going to a men's retreat. And he'll be like, what? And you just be like, now I want to sell more stuff. He's like, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The t-shirt's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm sitting up there and I'm like, oh, where's the big curve? It's because it's not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There's a phone call out there where a guy is calling Andy's school. Like the... And the guy's like, all right, if you want to do this program, it's like 20 grand. And he's like, what do you get for that? He's like, you know, you get one-on-one time. You get to like bro him up, like bro hug him. And he's like, what? Yeah, you know, like bro dap him up and like give him a hug and shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, he's like, oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. It's insane. Wild. It's like, and I, and then, oh, and then it's a prank. So the guy calling is like, oh shit, I just found out like my grandmother died. And he's like, oh fuck. The guy's like, you still got that credit card info? He's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
yeah yeah yeah and then he leaves off one number and the guy's like hey hold on I need to get it's really Tanner where is the school we gotta send him are you ready to learn how to be a fucking baller are you ready for that Tanner
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You can definitely do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Can you imagine, like, can you even wrap your head around how masculine you'll come back?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Please find out what are the different tiers. Pricing. Yeah, pricing. And I think we should start you at the very bottom. And then we'll see how your income is affected. And if you're actually doing... And I think the thing that they probably get you to do is find out if you're good at selling that program to somebody else. It's a pyramid scheme. Yeah, they're like, so you're good at this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Sell it to someone else.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, yeah, we could do a lesbian school. Why don't we do that? Rich lesbians.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's all the way flat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That'd be awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, not at all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I want to be a fucking badass motherfucker who doesn't take a shit. That's how Tanner will come back. What's up, motherfuckers?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Check out this wad of cash in my fucking pocket right now. Yeah. So cool. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There you go. Stupid. Do your own research.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Research what's involved. I really want to send you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Praise me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, from Ways to Well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What the fuck does that even mean? Personal research. Hitler was pretty chill. He was a cool guy. Yeah. I'd like to fish with him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Well, that's really nice. Thank you. That's nice. I love that guy. He's really, really great. He's great. That company, what they do, he's like a really positive, well-intentioned guy. He's seen the inside, the dark side of health care. And he's just a natural trying to help people guy. He really is just like, what's going on and how can I help? And I see them like that with everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like, let me help this person out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's like, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's like, what the fuck? Protein intake is bullshit. Fucking T levels. What are you, a chick? Fucking step it up. Yeah, he's like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Give me some money, and I'll fucking get your dick to grow. Cool, man. Yeah. No, he's great. He's great. That whole team is great. Oh, yeah. The whole Race to Well team, they're fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, it is an appropriate topic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
We've had obviously clips of them in the past. Famously, she's this Boston-born girl who spent time in Spain and then kind of adopted that difficulty with English sometimes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Which is the opposite of everyone on earth. Because what happens to most people is you are, if you're... Speaking any language and you actually get emotional, you revert to your mother tongue. Oh, that's right. Because it's what comes out of you is like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But it's very strange to be emotional. Right. And gravitate towards your second language.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. It's coming in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, sure. Maybe she is a Hispanic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I know. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Gymshark or Mattel, sure you think about a great product, a cool brand, and brilliant marketing, but an often overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling and for shoppers buying simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet and the not-so-secret secret with ShopPay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts are going abandoned and way more sales going hacking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
so if you're into growing your business your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web in your store in the feed and everywhere in between businesses that sell more sell on shopify upgrade your business and get the same checkout Gymshark or Mattel uses.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash momshouse, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash momshouse to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash momshouse. I know. What do you mean by, what do you mean, you people? You know what I fucking mean. Here, here she is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I think I'll be, what, I'll be out a week and a couple days. Yeah. I'll be okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's also how a father talks to his daughter. A hundred thousand percent. Sweetie. Slow down a kiss. You know, when you get like this, I can't even understand you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's fantastic. It's God-given. You can't train for that voice. It's fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's so talented. He really is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
How is it not an option for our phones? Is it an option? Alec Baldwin?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Hey, you have a text, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I think it's got to be.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Send him a check. Let him do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is, yeah, it's hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
How did it feel? It's perv four. It's perv four.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, and all the kids are like Rocco and Juan Miguel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, really good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, well, she learned in Spain and she speaks like a Spaniard. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, no. I mean, no, it's just Castilian, Castellano. But yeah, she speaks like a native Spanish speaker. She speaks really good Spanish.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I do think that her family, really, Spain became their adopted second home. So they're very immersed in it, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And they spent a lot of time there. And she just loved it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That was a weird thing. Well, yeah, because her name's Hillary. It's weird for an adult to go, you know. It'd be like if I'm like, my name is Tomasso.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, it feels very smooth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They're not going to if you're not famous. But if you fucking are with a famous person, they're going to figure it out. They're going to figure you out. Yeah, she could have sold that bullshit if she was just married to... Alec the fucking plumber, everyone would be like, oh, your wife's from Spain? And they would probably just be like, yeah, no one would care.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
She is of English, French, Canadian, German, Irish, and Slavic descent. She was born and raised in Boston.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Her agency's website listed her birthplace as Mallorca, which is hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, that's definitely not true. She has also offered mistaken statements that she was half Spanish. Yeah, she's not Spanish by ethnicity at all. She really wants to be.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Well, I think there's this thing of like people just... If you have a certain genetic or ethnic background, there's things that people just go, that's sexier, right? So true. Being French, being Italian, being Spanish, being Portuguese. Those are like the love places and they're sexier. The languages are cool. People are always like, oh, say that again. So true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
So there's just this thing if you're like, I'm a Boston chick with German, whatever, Slovak descent, you're just like, I'm a Spaniard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I had the same thing too where it was like I had a Latin mother, but it's not the cool country. Everyone was like, Peru? Does your mom have a basket on her head? And you're like, yeah. You're half a llama. Yeah, it's not a cool one. Fucking llama dick.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Just, I mean, so everyone, when I was a kid, Columbia was cool because it was violent. So that would have been, for a boy, that would have been like, yeah, you know, Columbia and there's fucking Escobars down there and everyone would have been like, oh, that's fucking cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. That's nice. Venezuela was kind of cool. Venezuela always had multiple women in Miss Universe, so it was like a sexy place. You know what I mean? Attractive people. The Argentines were always the aloof, kind of arrogant ones.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No. My favorite thing that I saw from the live show and me being in that makeup for Robert Smith was somebody being like, this is the Illuminati got to him. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, they're the white Latins. And so I was always like, that's pretty fucking cool. And then... Yeah. I don't know. It's kind of like, you know, those were the ones that, cause I was also very into South America. I wasn't like really into, you know, I don't have any, I didn't have a reference for Central America and the Caribbean. I was always like, that's like fucking Alabama, you know? So.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, you're a real outlier out there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm not a filthy Ruski.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Get that shit out of your head, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Let's take a quick break. Look how small my hands are. So petite. She's just a little thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
We'll be right back. And we are back with a tech entrepreneur, venture capitalist, biohacker known for his attempt at reversing aging. He's the founder of Blueprint, a health optimization company where he's both the creator and test subject. He's going to try to live to 380 years old. It's Brian Johnson, everybody. Let him hear it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You're here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, the documentary on Netflix called Don't Die. It's really well done. It's really well done. And we have cameos in it. Yeah, you do. You play a big role in it, actually. You think so? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, because you had me wearing makeup. They're like, this is exactly what Cat Williams was talking about. Satanic?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I sold my soul for that. For the Robert Smith.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's very true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
She bought it? She bought it. Oh my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And you're like, that's not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Feeling good. Get that timer going, please.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It was 25 grand. For the one injection? Yeah. And is it something that, like they mentioned, it's a kind of fascinating aspect of it that this could alter someone's DNA, but at least in the documentary, they say that it's kind of revocable with the way they do it. Yeah, exactly. So is your level now permanently higher? It was just a spike in that level.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Alfalfa.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I got some, I got some pretty cool stuff to show you. Okay. So let's get into this. Okay. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And it feels like you're... I feel like every month there's another possibility of something that you're discovering. Yeah. So are you into some new wild shit right now? Yeah, we're doing...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No way that's 100%.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, he has like huge retreats.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Will Blunderfield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's consuming his urine and sperm. Well, he's saying that there's a little bit of that that's coming into it. It's mostly about the urine. He's a big urine drinker. Yeah, like a uratini, like a urine and spermatini. Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's 67. Look at him. But he is a healthy guy. He's a healthy guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What's the point of that? What does that tell you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And you're seeing a change in your, like your sperm count or just like in the... The health of the sperm?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What about your beanbag? Those sperm are pretty young, too. Yeah, it's talking about motility. Well, speaking of sperm, your son is in the movie. Talmadge? Yeah, that's right. Is that a Mormon name?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Okay. Really lovely kid. Sweet Talmadge. I think everybody who watched that doc really enjoyed seeing him in it, seeing your guy's relationship. And then it's clear that he's... I mean, it appears to be like kind of following in your footsteps. So he might be like our, I mean, we'll be long gone, but he might be fucking 160 or so. Tom, don't give up easily.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You seem, I mean, again, it's a documentary, but you guys seem to have a really cool bond.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
We are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But not daily. You're not daily into like BPC-157 and you don't do like the blue, what's it called? Methylene blue.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Hey, I'm a big fan of that. Cool. Have you taken it? Yeah. And what's been your experience? A cognitive boost that you literally feel like... I kind of call... You know how like sometimes, I mean, the way your body functions, I don't know if any of this is even relatable, but like sometimes you wake up and you get your day started and you have kind of like a fog.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And for me, if I go right to workout, the workout knocks the fog off. I feel like this methylene blue does it even without that. What's your dosage? Uh, I get, I get it in pill form and I take two in the morning. I have to, I don't know what the milligrams or whatever are in it, but I'll, I'll look it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Josh, yeah, he... What's he doing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm a huge fan of it. The other one that I just got on is a sleep peptide that it goes after. What is the gland? Pineal gland.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Game changer. Really? Game changer. In what way? Well, I haven't been monitoring it, but my friend who was monitoring it, his sleep was like, I'm getting two and a half hours more REM sleep, which is a substantial boost. And what I feel is that, A, I'm definitely sleeping better And in a practical term, I can tell you things like if I get up to pee or I just go, I go right back to bed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
If the kids, you know, our kids are young, if they come in the room, I either don't hear it. Like I don't, I don't pop up anymore. Or if I do, it's like immediately back to sleep. So that's how I can like describe the difference versus before taking it. And I've been on it for like three weeks now. And like, I don't ever want to not have it. Interesting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I wonder, because you're so in tune with how things affect you, if this peptide would be a real game changer for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I want to go back to what Christina said first, which was about your diet. There's so many recommended ways to eat now, and everybody has to juggle. Why is vegan right for you? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Where's your olive oil? Like where's the, where's the, where's the olives? Are you US, Europe based? Everywhere. So we do a collection of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's actually. It's awesome. It's notably different. Yeah. Eating these hydroponic vegetables.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is a new lane that's really blown up in my algorithm, which is the, it's always a guy who's like a business coach. He's like really into, like you got to follow what I do. And they're almost always the same. They're usually like pretty jacked on a lot of TRT. They usually have a pretty red hue to their skin. Their vocabulary, even in business stuff, includes a lot of cursing. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's also not as involved as it sounds. It's very easy. That's cool. It's expensive, but it's not like, holy shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's because you're so dialed in that you can actually sense these things, right? Yeah. Like I noticed that when I went from eating...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Isn't it? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And it's the healthiest thing you're going to have all day long.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
When you're someone that eats like shit and just everything, like I was eating like that for a long time, you actually can't sense what changes. You know what I mean? Like you have something the next day and they're like, don't you feel better? You're like, I don't know. Like you can't tell.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And the more restrictive you get, you actually are able to detect, oh, this actually made me feel this way, this made me feel that way. So your sense for that must be like very high.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Are you going to – thank you very much, Reed. I'm not sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's cold, Reed, because of the nailing. Oh, it's cold brew. I think that works.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Who cares? I mean, there's that cool chick that just had sex with a thousand guys in a day. And then there's Brian. What, what makes me look so weird?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Can I ask, before you get into what makes you fucking weird, I want to, oh my God, I thought you were drinking olive oil.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
If it wasn't a gift, I would.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I genuinely really like it. It tastes really good. So there's one thing that stood out in the documentary. Oh, there's many things, but this in particular. At one point, they're going over your diet, and somebody's with you in your kitchen, and they go, are you hungry? And you go, I'm hungry quite a bit. Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And what I wanted to ask, because if you're around pro bodybuilders, for instance, when they get to competition and they get very lean, very cut, they're all miserable. They're like, I'm fucking dying right now. To maintain this aesthetic, headaches, mood swings, they want to eat. Their body's asking them to eat more. to what degree, like your last meal of the day is at what time? No noon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
So you're fasting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But how bad is your hunger? How are you dealing with the hunger?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And they charge people and they're basically like, I have a hot girl. I have a crazy car. I live in a nice place. The fuck are you doing, you fucking loser? Yeah. and sign up with my thing and then I can, you'll be like me. That's like the baseline of it. So this guy is named Wes Watson. He's a personal branding blueprint guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But do you not understand? Like, are you curious as to why people are like, this guy's fucking crazy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like only because it's to most people, even with your mission being clear and like, I get the drive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like that with like, I mean, that's like not even that crazy, I think, but like, you know, all of it together. I think it's just that people go like, well, who could commit to this? They see it as a very few people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He claims that he helps people go from making a thousand a month to three million a month. And the class on the cost end goes on the low end about 300 a month and on the highest class is about 3000 a month. And here he's flipping out on people at a conference Because someone asked why he's such an asshole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
How do you, how does, because that's an interesting thing when people like in documentaries, articles about you, you know, there'll be like, rate of aging is this, or, you know, like you're like, my lungs are this age, my heart's, how can somebody check what theirs is? Like, how do they verify that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's in Jewdark Titty. Oh, is he? He is. He's doing his thing and stuff like that. What the fuck is he doing there? You know how they love that place. They do love that place. So he's there. They do love that place. Doing his thing. Stuff like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There's a real range of push-ups that people are doing. I've seen people claim their push-ups at a certain... And then you're like, that's not a fucking good push-up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like you're gonna have- Do you ever step off the plan for some indulgence that you- Oh, that too. Either want or think you want?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. I mean, rarely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, I mean- Is travel difficult for you to maintain your protocol? It seems like it'd be a challenge.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, it's been 45 years.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
for sure yeah exactly how many how many days do you travel oh a lot yeah and how do you is it pretty tough yeah it can be yeah right travel's tough it wears i mean it's the like i'm very lucky i'm very fortunate you know i get it my job is getting on stage and doing stand-up just fun that's the fun part yeah the travel a lot of times it's like We fly out Thursday. You go to the gig.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Then we fly out. Then we land somewhere Friday at midnight. Then you go to the hotel. Then you do the show the next day. You fly out again. And it's like over and over and over. So your body, you can feel it. You feel yourself starting. Even with like on the road, we prioritize training every day. We train on the road every day because it actually helps your brain and obviously your –
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Okay, so eventually this is going to lead to money. There's so many guys like this now. My whole algorithm is just these guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
your body functioning. We eat pretty well. Sometimes it's harder to find, you know, depending on the market. Sometimes you're like, I'm trying to find this food that I want. It's good food. Yeah. It can be a challenge, but I think the hardest part of it is actually the time zones and the actually just the constant movement where, you know, you could do a four day, five day run.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
If you do that two, three weeks in a row, you're just cooked after it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, I'm caffeine daily. I would say most of the time, I would say probably like 80% of the time, our workout is like around three hours or so before we leave to go do the show. So it's like, I like it later in the day because it kind of, I wake up with those.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And then we'll eat something, usually modest after that, clean. You get showered, you get dressed, you go to the venue. And then... you know, do your show. It just depends on like, that's when things start to like, you know, to get up for the show. Yeah. I'll drink a little caffeine before a show. Then the part that wears on you is going to sleep.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Cause if we're spending the night in the city where the show is in, you know, you go back to the hotel, it's going to be already. 11 something probably. And it's really hard to come off of like a, a show and be like time to go to bed. So you're actually just trying to get your brain and everything to go down, calm down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And then you start to get messed up is like, you know, if we're going to leave early the next day, so then you don't sleep well. And then you, you travel, you're in, and then you, you change time zones and you're trying to make that adjustment. Um, It's the cumulative effect of that. I think if you did it like once or twice, you'd be like, it's fine. But it's just the day after day after day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Yeah. You definitely, I mean, I get home and I sleep so much better. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, I haven't. Those are popular. Have you done it? I actually did. I did it. That's awesome. I did it a few years ago. This lady does it. Why does she watch her hair? I mean, you're not constipated, so there's no reason for it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
So you just plug a pipe in? It looks like just a bag of coffee and then she does her headstand. Okay, so she's feeding coffee into... Yes. Okay. And then she'll go sit on the can and just make it all extra brown in there. Just everything will come out. I did the colonics one. Yeah, what'd you think? You know, I didn't know what to think. It's so bizarre. What does it feel like?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You look like a rabbi's son. Yeah. That's what you look like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You feel like you're kind of getting bloated, right? And then there's this thing where they, obviously if you want to have an experienced person who's kind of telling you, let that feeling happen, don't resist. And then you kind of ease, you're like, oh, then you calmly take it in. You're like, okay. And then when everything is leaving and you're seeing it leave, there is like this sense of pride.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You're like, yeah, I did that. Yeah. You like it. Yeah. And then you feel so light. You do. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You feel really good about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Yeah. Do you sharpen your sword every day? You know, like Montauk Chia stuff? What is that? This guy is like... This is why you're here. This is so embarrassing. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is the world leader in this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Who is this guy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Look how serious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, this guy is like the... He's the one that coaches. He does seminars for this worldwide. Yeah. For men and women. Yeah. And that does what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Is this a garden gnome?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Sharpen your knife. Complete, total control mastery of your orgasms. Extending them. Yeah. And then the next level is like how you can basically be the ultimate partner to the other person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's like the voice on... for men and women, like your own orgasms and then the orgasm with the other person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
this is like it sits in story land and like everyone knows how good they are wow did you realize brian just called him out but he's like show me he's the one where that guy remember that like stories of new york guy where he was there was this guy who was like uh oh yeah yeah so this guy was like i'm basically i'm the best lover yeah i can blow a woman's mind yeah and there was everybody kind of like rolled their eyes this guy like okay
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
His cute little beard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, I don't know what's going on with these guys. But it's a really big lane now. Then there's even weirder guys like this fucking guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You know, I have a feeling... You don't usually see a muffin top like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He is kind of the OG. He's the prototype for this, yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They're so fast. Yep. So light. Yeah. And crazy range for that size.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Wait, so wait. What were you saying, though?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, just that you're like, I'm flying commercial.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
All right. I'm going to ask you if I should get a jet. And just remember, I'm going to send this clip to my business managers. Yeah. So just give me a hard sell on why it's a great idea. Ready? Yes. Brian, as a guy who's kind of done it all and had all these things, do you think I should get a jet?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The thing is they just prey on – like this last guy is definitely autistic, but the other guys, they do – It's so autistic. He's so out of his mind. He's like – he's fancy trainer. You know what I mean? He's out of his mind.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Wow. And maybe actually that would help me to pursue getting my license to get to the point where I can do what you did, right? Like actually get licensed, get instrument rated and fly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I almost feel like I can't like not get one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, you guys just convinced me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What is his? So he has a Bombardier and then he has an older Gulfstream. So he was like, he said it wasn't worth it at the time to sell the Gulfstream. And then he goes, when the Bombardier is in service for something, then I'll take the Gulfstream. Yeah. Yeah. But he's got a unique situation, you know? Yeah. Most people don't go like, I got a backup plan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Backup plan. He also sold the Mavericks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's not –
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is not a real thing. He's completely delusional. The other guys, though, they make money, but they make it just like preying on somebody who's like, I want to make more money. And they're like, no shit. The whole thing is that you're a bitch, dude. You got to get your shit right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You're perceptive of social cues. Yeah. I mean, either that or you're just really studying when you're not here. You're just like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
laugh when they say something yeah exactly that's cute yeah no yeah much more i don't think so yeah i think you're just like a smart guy before we go just like for people who are still skeptical or whatever is there some somewhere you can i mean i know blueprints the company and you guys have i think some protocols that people can follow right yeah what is what's like a good um
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
gentle way in to all of this for someone who's like, I'm curious, but I don't know. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't. I value nothing. I'm on the same train as you. The thing she says I mock her for, I'm actually intensely jealous of, which is the fact that she's like, I'm tired right now. And just fucking goes to sleep whenever she wants. At any hour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't know. Checking out fucking interest rates or something. But he'll be back. He'll do his thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
the better your sleep. And to lower your heart rate, there's obviously one thing would be avoiding stimulants. Exactly. And another thing would be tactics like breathing, meditation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. And they just it's so nuts. Like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I can't really help you. Sometimes. So there's, like, these conferences. There's also, like, let me just show you, like, another one where it's, like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. They're letting you know they're alpha now. They're, like, they're getting people to sign up for this shit. And then they're saying things like this, which is they come here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Exactly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I immediately thought of watching your documentary of the book Discipline is Destiny. Have you read that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I've heard of it. I haven't read it. It's so good. And I think you will actually, it's an easy read. It's by Ryan Holiday. It's very consumable. And it has all these incredible stories about, and the way that it explains the joy, like what you're saying, that discipline brings you and how the person without them that appears to be enjoying everything, like how they're actually not free.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They're slaves to these things that drive them. It's extremely well-written. Highly recommend it. I think you would get a real kick out of it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, I mean, you're kind of a living example of, honestly, a lot of the messages of that book. Really.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Cool. Well, thank you for coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you. See you guys. See you next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. I don't know what's up. For sure. That's a total business 101 thing. If he's not a good guy, then definitely don't take his money. For sure. Just be like, are you good? Are you a nice guy? Because that's who we do business with. That's all that matters is if you're a good dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The way that he's rubbing his arm just tells me how he made that up on the spot. That's just something that I did. No, you didn't, dude. You did not do that. That's so true. You're fucking full of shit. That's not. And then you get these guys all together, which is another one. And think of this. Think about like how. Like you sat here with Mark Cuban. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You know, we've met other really successful business people and just the way that they communicate and then check this out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, they sure do. It's so funny. The weather, all of it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That was so cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Do you realize that we just gave you insight into some really high-level business people? And you could be paying $3,000 a month for that, and we just gave it to you for free. Get in that fucking room. If you want to fuck around and hear some fucking shit about my fucking family, fuck that shit, motherfucker. I'm here to make fucking money. And the guy's like, fuck yeah, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That would be her school.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money, too. After years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up from crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run and switched to Mint Mobile. And it was all because of our own Eni.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Eni was the guy who came in here being like, I'm saving money, and I'm able to have more disposable income because I'm not paying these crazy wireless bills.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, there's so many naive people out there who don't understand how this works.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's incredible. Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash mom. That's mintmobile.com slash mom. Upfront payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers offer for first three months only then full price of plans of options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Feeling like my best self means that I'm well rested and my energy levels are up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's why I use Bioactive Complete Multivitamin for men from Live Good every day. Since I started taking them, I've noticed feeling more rested, more centered, more balanced. and Great Browns. With Live Good, I always feel like I'm at my best. And what's better than that? Live Good believes that everyone deserves access to high quality supplements without the insane markups.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I do my own research.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They offer premium products formulated by an industry leading team of natural health experts, and they cut out the middleman to sell them at the lowest prices anywhere. They also have organic super greens, multivitamins, collagen, weight loss products, protein powder, creatine, detox, hormone products, skincare products, all highest quality products at prices people can actually afford.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No wonder they're the fastest growing supplement brand on the planet with over 1.5 million customers and counting. Ready to make the switch and start saving? We'll make it even easier for you. Use our link and you can save an additional 10% off your first order on top of the already lowest prices. Just go to livegood.com slash YMH to save 10% on your first order. That's livegood.com slash YMH.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm not just indoctrinated by the state. This fucking round earth shit that all you peons believe in. Losers. Oh, yeah, we rotate around the sun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Don't miss out on this opportunity to invest. and your health without overspending. Fuck these guys. And then there's the main guy, like that guy that said he fired a client where he definitely lied. Oh, yeah. This one is so insecure. He works for that guy in the white T-shirt that says his name. Oh, Elliot. And that's his name. He's wearing, it's like the band wearing their T-shirt.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's wearing his own shirt. And he's redder than Bert. Like he's on so much. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Well, it's a different angle. It's just what angle do you like? Some people love this angle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's faux masculine. It's not real.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
These are wildly insecure guys. They're overcompensating.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Pretty good stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Can we get his information? I would love. Absolutely. Yeah, please. Let's start sending some kind of video requests his way. He clearly is...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Isn't that exciting? Ew, I just licked a microphone. That means one more year and you hit wow, wow, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Real talk? Yeah, talk to me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, there also comes a point, right, that you just realize, what do I mean? We all age. You're aging. You're supposed to age.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Here's the thing. Every generation, you just try to look better than your parents did at your age.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's really the thing, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, they did age well, but still.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She looks pretty good for an 80-year-old lady. Yeah. My dad really threw in the towel, I think, at 50. He really did. He definitely didn't try.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He stopped trying. Here's the funny thing. He was really, really active up into his 40s. Very active.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I don't know. I think he just, he hit that point of like, fuck it, at like... Like if you see him, if I show you photos of him in his 30s and even into his early 40s, flat stomach, strong, weightlifting, like just in shape, fit guy. And then what I can remember vividly is him being like 55. So it would still be, for me to compare myself, it would be like 10 years from now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But when he was 55, I was like... man, like, you really don't give a fuck, right? He did not give a fuck. A fuck. He was like, oh, salt. Barbecue.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, I think the thing for Top Dog was that his joy, his dopamine drip came from food.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You have to have something. And that was just for him the thing that as he aged, he was even more into it. Because I think he just was like... You'd see them light up at the idea of meals. Oh, shit, let's go eat. And there was no counterbalance. No, like, I'll eat this way Friday. It was just like every day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I mean, you were there. Charo was there. My sister was there. My cousins were there. I had a ton of people there. The whole staff came to the show. It was really fun. And we had a little after party. It was a really good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's the thing. We're getting older.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I was late.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I buy sweaters. We should get into the big news here. Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Chips in a bowl. If anything merits it, I think it's this, isn't it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
This means something amazing is going to be told to you here in a moment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, it's time. We should just finally say it. We've been building it up. We've been teeing it up. And now we get to tell you. YMH Live is back. It is YMH Live 10. Whoa. It is coming to you live March 7th at 7.30 p.m. Central Time. That is 8.30 Eastern, and that is 5.30 Pacific. Pacific. It is going to be our biggest one yet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We've got the great Dan Soder joining us in studio as our special guest. We have original, of course, brand new sketches. And to celebrate our 10th live show, we are giving away $10,000 live on the show, on the live stream. Go to ymhstudios.com for more information. And to grab your ticket, we will announce the winner live on the show right before the heavy segment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And of course, don't miss the exclusive VIP post show hosted by Josh Potter. Everything is at ymhstudios.com. This is one that we have been putting months into to get ready. It's been all behind the scenes, super secret, and now we get to announce it to you guys that the original sketches are a whole tier above anything we have ever done before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, but you hung out. You were hanging out, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There's real, real production that's gone into all of this and This is a group effort. When we do YMH Live, the whole team participates, meaning every single person that works here. And even outside people, we have to outsource a bunch of things. But we love doing YMH Live. So this is number 10, and it's going to be our biggest one yet, March 7th. It's going to go down. So I hope you can join us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
A reminder, because I get asked this every single time and I want people to know, you do not have to, like if you can't join live March 7th at 7.30 p.m., you can still watch the show later on that night, the next day, three days later, the week after. So if you're not able to join live, just know that you can still watch the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But if you can be there live, it's obviously fun to be in the moment. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You just don't know what's going to happen.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Or if you're going to see something crazy. Oh, my God. And of course, it'd be fun to be there either watching or winning 10K also. That's pretty cool. That's the best, dude. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's unbelievable. It was so amazing. Yeah. We have cool guys. We have a lot of special stuff in this one. We made also an original short story that I don't even know how to do it up. It's high, high level production. It's a really original, fun story. And I would say that the motivation for it was my dad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Okay. That being said, some happy birthdays came in. We always like to check out happy birthdays. Oh, fantastic. Would you like to see?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We are. Hey, bye. We'll be in the UK. we're going to be in, uh, before the UK, we'll be in Ireland. We'll be in Belfast. Then we're going to go down and we'll be in everywhere from Cardiff, Manchester, London. Um, I'm forgetting places, but going to BAM. I don't remember.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's all at Tom's grow.com slash tour. Um, if you're over there, please come and see me. All right, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That was really good. That was really good. You deserve a round of applause, sir. He snuck so many things in there. Charlie. Yeah. Wow. Way to go, Charlie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
you got you dropped two hitlers in there and um four strokes for you and then that's like black guys are always like ah that's right like he didn't know what you said but he still went with he's like that's what i'm talking about yeah they just roll with whatever crazy shit when he says four strokes for you watch he's like yeah man he doesn't know what he said that's it
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
1234 appreciate shot what do you say right four strokes for you yes sir yes four strokes for you yes sir he doesn't know what he said you don't care hello
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm so confused. I know. He's like, why would we do that? That doesn't make any sense.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, I know you're referencing because on the last tour, when you came to London and I talked about you, you said that all the lads were like, oh, hey, hey, he's talking about you, isn't he?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I like my image here in the bottom corner.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, that's awesome, dude. Thanks, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That looks just like a plastic bag of food. Like they just threw trash into a bag. The entrance says Dairy Queen. Is that Dairy Queen? Wow. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Do you know what's been... Well, actually, I'll save this for our guest coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, I was watching the Puff Daddy documentary. Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Speaking of Saddam. Yeah. Darn. really? dude Puff is like a guy who's heard and then as the news kind of you know you see these like kind of flashes like oh you know charged with this and you're like but when you sit and you watch here's the thing about this I watched the one on Max and It's a, I don't know, six part series. It's like pretty in depth. These are not just like stories.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They're sit down interviews with, because if you're like, oh, who is it? Childhood best friend, personal bodyguard for like 10 years, former employees, former artists that he worked with. The chef. The chef that cooked in his house for years. It's everybody that was intimately involved with this guy and everything that they said. I mean, he's a monster. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
When you watch this, you end up going like, oh, there's a real probability that I don't think he's going to see the light of day. Probability?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You're all the baddies talking about. But this time you sat in Video Village. I hid. But you still had people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Did I say it wrong?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Speaking properly?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, I just was in between words I was going to say.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I think there's a real probability that he's not going to see the light of day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
If any of these charges stick, you're like, dude, you are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Maybe if you want to just jack your D later to it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I guess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
God damn it. Allegedly, we should say. Oh, yeah, sure. It's pretty true. And then he allegedly forced himself into her and then she vomited on the table and then he kept doing it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know what the crazy thing is? Each of them, so they interviewed his executive assistant, like the last one that he had. And he was like, oh, man, I was so excited to work. He's somebody I idolized. And I was like, I get to work for Puff. And then you see Puff left him not just text but voice notes so that you get to hear his voice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And he's like, hey, man, go ahead and get that lube and that baby oil over for one of my parties. So it's like he's he's like, I'm just delivering like baby oil and lube and condoms to parties. And I have to clean that. He goes, the cleanup was the worst. Because you're just cleaning up, like, eight used condoms. And then he would destroy hotel rooms.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So they were like, we have to, like, send a special unit to, like, clean up the hotels. And then he goes one time, and then the guy started crying. He's like, Puff was like, hey, man, like, it's time, like, a loyalty test. Like, you're with me, right? You're with me on all this shit. And he's like, yeah. He's like, all right, fuck her. And the girl was like. it's okay. Like gave him the head nod.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And then he's like, I started to like have sex with someone that I didn't want to. And he's like, this guy's like crying in the interview. And then he's like, and then when puff left, I stopped and I was like throwing up. Like it's really traumatizing people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Do you know how all this kicked off for him too, they said? I hate this shit. Like not kicked off in terms of behavior, but in terms of this becoming an issue for him. Cassie? Yes, but it was the- The awards. The awards ceremony. He got an award. He had not been with this person in years. And then in the awards ceremony-
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
this is recent right like semi-recent it was last year i think he's like also just want to give a shout out to cassie like you know it's all love or whatever some something like that no he goes thank you for being with me in my darkest yeah when i was at my worst i was in my darkest And then she saw that and was like, fuck you. Because she took it as like a veiled threat in a way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And that is what, so him just having the nerve to mention her is what like elicited everything. Isn't that wild?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Man, that was awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It kind of makes me wonder what Puff could do with him. Like with his producing power and this guy's raw talent. It's so sad we don't get to see that together. What did you think of that clip right there, Zolo?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Any of you like that? Oh, yeah, it's great. Yeah, I don't know how the fuck he does it. I know. I wish I could. He's a throat whistler. Actually, maybe I don't. I mean, I've just, I've never, I've literally never heard that before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Sitting there at the beach just enjoying life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We've got to get in touch with this guy. I'm serious. We do. Of course we should. Why haven't we already?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I got an idea. What about if we get him to do some of the Bad Boy Records greatest hits? I don't think he's familiar with them. You could learn them. He could learn them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Take that, take that, take that, and that. I thought I told you that we won't stop. I thought I told you that we won't stop.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I try to have a balance between family, Hitler. Yes. Sex.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Let's make that our mission.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The accomplishment of the year would be like we brought Puff back from the dark.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Good looking out, yo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And we are back and welcoming back to the program is one of our good friends. You can check out his new tour, the Bro Adjacent Tour. You can get tickets at thefullcharge.com. It's the Full Charge, Matt Bolshon, everybody. So good to be at my home away from home.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Your mom... Big Mama 2. I've had. Starring Martin Lawrence. I've had people bring me up that way, too. Or even like introduction on like a press thing. They'll be like, and you've seen this very popular podcast, Your Mama's Place. Yeah. It's your mama's place.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Society.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I mean, the guy just keeps delivering. He's been gone for a long time, but he keeps staying in the fucking zeitgeist. He's just there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I remember, I think I've told this story before, but it still haunts me because there's nothing like the trauma of not knowing what to say. And I was hosting at the Melrose Improv on a showcase night. So Melrose is like showcase shows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
so you know every time you get off you're like who's next and you go back and i had rift a minute in between and then it was time and i was like give it up your next comedian and i i remembered his last name and i could remember his first name so i just said mr burman
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He's like 23. No, I think his name is Peter. Is it Peter Berman? Yeah, that's his name. Yeah, now you know it. It's Peter Berman. And I said, Mr. Berman. And he was like, he came up there. I remember he was like, fuck you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He goes, Mr. Berman. That's him. Yeah, yeah. He looks like a Mr. Berman. He goes, what am I, his fucking fourth grade teacher? That's what he said. I was like... Yeah, that dude don't fuck around. I've hung out with him recently. And I mean, he should have. He did exactly what he should have done. Right. Yeah, that's him. And I was like... But here's the thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Even though the person forgives you, you're so...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I want to see it. Are you in color now? Oh, shit. I'll watch this whole documentary series, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I've been on stage, said the wrong thing, because your brain sometimes just fucking fizzles out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I've eaten shit walking upstairs. Yeah, of course. And also you panic so hard when that happens. And in your mind, you're like, how am I going to recover? Yeah. Either they saw it and they're laughing. Or they didn't see it. Yeah. And then you're not even starting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They're like, guess what we did? We modified the audio. You can hear his, I got to hear the guy's real voice. This is incredible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I've blanked also at the opening. Same thing, which is where you're like, this is the beginning. And your brain just goes, nope, nothing here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Now I got to know about his dog. Hey, guess what? We exposed a new roll of film. I'd love to see all the photos.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Wyoming's life is so exciting. This is our first one in a while.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm going to excuse myself. The hardest I ever bombed at a showcase. And I mean bombed. was for just for laughs uh-huh of course so they go to bomb that we're supposed to do at the laugh factory and when we get there they're like oh uh it was something like they go we we had told people to like come at a different time so they're not here uh-huh so we'll just use who's here
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And I'm like, so there's no crowd. And they're like, well, there is a crowd, but it's mostly comics.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Like the audience thought it was supposed to be like at whatever, like at nine, we're going to do it at seven. I'm like, how, how does that make any sense? And they're like, well, they just, just do it. And I'm like, so there's like 20 comics who they're all want to, they all want to go to just for laughs. They ain't room for you. Yeah. And then I'm like, and that's who we're performing for.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They're like, yeah. And the, the judges from just for laughs. And you're like,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
oh my god and I went up there and just I mean everything was just it was like right now I just would finish and then there would just be silence right and I was like wow and so I got off stage and I mean I was like that was the worst experience of my entire life yeah and then they were like yeah you got it you're going to Just for Laughs I was like off of that yeah Just for silence.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Which just told me how fucking rigged those experiences are. Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you, yeah. I was like, if you can get it off of that pile of shit, that means that you can also, because I'd also had showcases for other things where I was like, yo, I killed. Right. And they're like, yeah, you didn't get it. Yeah. Why didn't you get, how do, what do you mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I watched some Saddam stuff this weekend.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There's stuff that I'm dying to show you. Okay. So let's... Well, first of all, so that we don't forget to do it, because I teased it at the top, you are going on tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Saddam... He's a real interesting guy. And he was a bit of a knucklehead. Is he as dynamic as Hitler? He had a peasant's upbringing. Oh, okay. And he came to power in 79. I just watched stuff about him. He had this great, great first week in office. It's one of the most epic fucking gangster things I've ever seen. He called a general assembly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Thefullcharge.com. Can you pull it up, please?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Comedy magic?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Make babies, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's awesome. Congratulations. That's rad. Go to thefullcharge.com. Don't forget, because if it's just fullcharge.com, that's a broken website.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Hey. By the way, do you have an OnlyFans? Yeah. You do? Yeah, but that's just for porn. Oh, okay. That's fullcharge.com. I think that's down. We're trying to get Charo, my mom, to get on. Kill her. Yeah, well, I don't think she'll do hardcore, but I mean, I don't know. She has to meet people. Maybe something tasteful. We're trying to get her to do like good mornings. Here's me making coffee.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, she drinks and has panetton, like her little snacks. And she talks. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
People forget that that platform was established as being like for fans. Yeah. Of like, I want to just follow this person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Yeah. That's really, and then the porn people took it in another direction.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They always do. They get their little cum hooks in there. But the... Cum hooks. Their gooey little cum hooks. Their gooey little cum hooks never just latch out to you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
VHS. Laser disc. They were there. Yeah, I remember when I saw a thing, they're like, DJ Khaled's on OnlyFans. I was like, he's fucking people on OnlyFans? And they're like, no. He's just like, here's my house. He's fucking someone who's like, DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled. That's really what it was set up for. So anyway, we're trying to get Charo on there. I hope we can convince her to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Do scenes with my friends.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Some dudes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
yeah trying it's us it's like one of those boxing matches where like it's over one of my favorite things I love these fucking pranks that people are doing and I also love fucking you know I love fucking with my parents I love I fuck with my mom more than I did with my dad but this guy has a real fired up dad and he fucks with him alright and it makes me laugh so hard it really makes I get so much joy out of this
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Fuck off, you fucker!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So everybody in government had to come to this assembly. It was essentially in like a picture of big theater, okay? It's July in Iraq. It's fucking 110 degrees, maybe warmer. Yeah. And there's no air conditioning. And they're all in this thing. They're all in suits. And they're like, yeah, yay, Saddam. And he knew that some people were already trying to overthrow him. So he stands up there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
this reminds me of andrew russell's dad you know when he's golfing just losing his shit yeah i don't see how this dad keeps hanging around with this kid that's what i was wondering they clearly work together too like they're at they're at i think their work you know he's a painter right and so he's just at work with his dad pulls out his phone he just fucks with his dad so he feels like he can't get fired yeah he can't get fired well also there's no child abuse in his history because my dad would beat the fuck out of me dude did this to him dude
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Cause they're like, it's so fun to watch him go, you fucking asshole. But he doesn't actually hurt them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He can't relax anywhere. He was sleeping on vacation, and when they dropped the chair on him, that guy was in the middle of a great nap.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The big ass.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Gotcha. Our kids are too little to be. They're always ruining something. Yeah. Usually your peace. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And this is the rare, this next one is the rare time where it's a woman. pranking the man because a lot of times these like the pranks in these relationships are the guy to the girl but this woman fucks this guy up with this dude i'd fucking hit that bitch too
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
This is terrifying. A deep sleep and see a monster. You don't know that it's me in a costume.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that wake up. Oh, my God. Because they always do it close, too. So you're always like, holy fuck. Yeah. Dad. Fuck, dude. He's like, hey, hey. No, I got it. I'm awake now. Yes. What? Do you know where my iPad is? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He lights a cigar. He takes a few puffs and he's like, I'm gonna read some names from this piece of paper. If I read your name, I want you to stand up and recite the party slogan and then exit to the back of the theater. And so he just smokes his cigar, reads people's names. They stand up, they say the slogan. And then one guy's like, he's like, what did I do? Why did you read my name?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'll send you this video and then maybe you just need to practice how you do it. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
i'll get into it you know maybe get some earrings or something like you're not you're not mixing your ball smells and your taint smells that's that's where your flaw is that's true you need to get that potency from your right so close it's so far away no i i i sometimes i i really miss out on a lot of his lessons yeah he's given me a lot of great pointers and i don't actually follow up a lot so i'm being kind of a lazy student right yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's just all the books you have no interest in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He's definitely well read.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know, this might be a good segue into the show we were watching.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right. That's a good premise. It's about guys who are just SSA. SSA. They're same-sex attracted. Okay. But they're not gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So they're basically guys who are like, yeah, I find men attractive. I look at them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Right. Like, I repress all the feelings that I have. And I pretend that I'm attracted to this woman. Right. But what I really like to be doing is... blowing a guy. Right. And I've created a life with this woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And children. Well, they're Mormon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Here's a cool clip from the show. That is tough. I'm not kidding.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's actually both guys. Oh, okay. They're both SSA.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Same sex, tried it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, right there. That's zero. I think if you, yeah, that one. Well, they had talked about it here. The scale? They talked about it when they were playing basketball.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He doesn't answer him. He's just like, just recite the party slogan and then just head to the back of the theater. And then everybody who he read, they were all walked out and executed. And then he was like, that's how we're going to do things around here. Wow. Yeah, pretty soon he was, you know, he figured out how to kind of skim some money off the top of their oil sales.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Isn't that crazy that he's like, I want to be like my friends who are also gay that are married to women and are cool with being married to a gay guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All these guys would be so much happier in their lives. And the women, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The crazy thing is that we always think about those guys... and how clearly they should just go be gay, because that's what you are. I wish they could be. But then those women have never been with a guy who's into them. They don't even know what that's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But you've got to find people that are into what you're into, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, she's awesome. See, this one, she's not lying about who she is. I don't know, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
don't ask don't tell yeah it sounds like it's kind of like i'm not gonna ask you too many questions i don't know if you if you watch more it feels like the women are like uh they're more like it's they're in denial he has these feelings but the great thing is he doesn't act on them right so they're maybe they're in denial to themselves about it they are yeah but like those guys definitely like they're they're not being satisfied right so they gotta do something
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And he was living a pretty plush life. The real thing that's interesting, too, is he had two sons. And one of them, I think the firstborn, Uday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, you know that I'm SSA.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm not gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm same-sex attracted.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Look, look again. You want to look again. And then four was restraints.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, like I wanted to hop on them, but I didn't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's so gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
was a real fucking psycho. But I remember being attracted.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know what they really need? Each of these guys, especially this single guy, he just needs another Mormon who is like, I grew up Mormon too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So they can connect on that. Yeah. And then, hey man, you could still care for God and be filled with cum. Yeah. Like just...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
To Uday?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Something will go wrong. Yeah. And it will be me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'll finally be famous. Paying attention. I got to watch my weight, though, if I'm going to get in one of these, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, maybe it's the other son because there's two boys. What's the other guy's name? There's Uday and what was the other? His sibling. Oh, Kuse, that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see because I had a crush on one of them. He's kind of handsome there on the phone, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's what I'm saying. If you're the great big fat person, you carry it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
B-Y-O-S-B. Eat. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, she needs the video where they go, oh yeah, you're right. It should be everywhere and it could be in your purse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
At all times.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's a good point, Tom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Or at seatbeltextenderpros.com.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, big fat people want big fat cars. Yeah. You don't want to get in a little car.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Because there was that lady a few weeks ago that she wants to sue Lyft because the Lyft driver pulled up. She's 392, I think. Okay. This lady. And the driver was like, nah. He's like, you can't get in here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He didn't. He actually had a small car. He's like, you're way too big for the car.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, because you know what? The thing is, if you have a big SUV, it's not easy to get in them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He did?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
See? Texas loves it. People don't give a fuck. That is true. My car got hit today. Really? In a parking lot and I watched it. You just saw it happen? I watched it and I was like, hey, you hit my car. And she goes, I don't think I did. I go, no, I watched it. And she goes, I don't think I did. I go, it's not that you think. I saw you do it. And she's like, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And then her trailer hitch matches up perfectly to the damage. And then she just rolled up the window and drove off.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You can do that? This is her driving off. I posted it online.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's her license plate. Oh, my God, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, for sure she deserves it. The nerve of somebody to... Look, that's the trailer. There's the paint on the edge of it. Oh, my God. And then the next image, that's where it went. Dude. Yeah. That's definite. I mean, especially... Also, if you go back a few, I have... Oh, yeah, that's her. Oh, that's me yelling at her. I go... Nice. Because she had already turned back around.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Uday's a real ding-dong, though. So what he was in charge of, they put him in charge of the Olympic Committee. So all sports in Iraq. But guess how he got the best out of his athletes? He tortured them. Yeah. He tortured them and threatened their families. He would have them murdered. He was really, really psychotic. And to the point where Saddam one time, so Saddam had a party.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I go, no, I watched you do it. She's like, I don't think I did. I don't think I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, it's just crazy. I don't know, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Yeah, we already found out who it belongs to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, they also don't know who they're fucking with.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, of course. That's the best part. It fits perfectly. It's what she did. We watched her do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that's what she said. That's my opinion. She goes, I don't think I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
yeah dude she got garth army on her now yeah she's done for dude she's done that car is not gonna get any love in texas there's her face too holy shit yeah it's just here's the thing it's just a shitty thing to do yeah it's not cool you should be you know you're accountable you did it but yeah whatever it's just how it goes this is really crazy people are fucking
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There was one time when I lived on Silver Lake Boulevard. I'm in the back room, and I hear what I thought was an explosion. Right. I thought it was a grenade. I really thought that somebody had thrown a grenade. And I was like, holy shit. And I run out to the front yard, and it was my cousin's girlfriend's car was parked, and somebody had hit it at like 50 miles an hour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So goddamn loud. Terrifying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, just some dumb broad. Dumb broad. Entitled, not concerned about someone else. She knew she did it, and she started to go, she was like, no. I go, no, no, no. I watched. I literally watched it. I go, I watched you do it. She was like, I don't think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She knew she did it and was like, I'm leaving.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And Uday at the party shot three people with a shotgun and killed them. And so his dad was like, I am fucking done with this shit. You're being a real knucklehead. You guys are grounded. So Saddam burned Uday's cars as a punishment. Uday had like a bunch of fleet of cars.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, this is a little palate cleanser.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But then she can't get up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Because it just keeps moving.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Just endlessly falling downstairs. She's like, I'm almost there. I'm hoping this is a security camera and not someone just watching.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's what I'm saying. These are good stories.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right, just get to the top.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, she didn't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's coming to help.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Someone finally stopped it. So she fell down like 65 stairs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Hitler's fucking tired as a topic. Yeah. We got it already. Except for what I talk about.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
A 70-year-old woman just continuously falling.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You're old, you're out of touch, you don't even know how to do an escalator. Her grandkids love this, by the way. They're for sure like, do you want to watch that thing again? Granny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That hurt right there. That one really fucked her up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's fucked up right there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's like, I'm almost out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
What's the guy in the security rooms watching it having a good time? He's like eating a sandwich.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He's like, should I press the button to stop it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Dude, she's on to something there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You got it. You got it. You got it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, he had a couple other things he did. I don't know how much you know about Hitler. I don't know. You know what? From what I've heard. He was nice to some other people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Doesn't part of you want to just go, are you stupid? Yes, she is stupid. You don't know how to fucking ride this thing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The way that she got on, too, tells me that's like... Is this your first escalator ride?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's what I'm trying to say, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You see the guy in the foreground on the left here? Yeah. Watch his body. Watch the way he reacts to that. He's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She just had a leaky gas line, I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Tom, you got real mental problems.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know that? Yeah. That's terrible. Well, you know what? You got to get your gas lines checked, and that's what this whole episode's been about. Okay. You guys got to pay attention to how your gas lines are lined up. Details at fullcharge.com. There you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I believe Josh did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right. That was, I mean, just one more time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I make all the dinner for my family.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
One thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It is a good argument.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I like those. Everyone has different preferences.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You'll like this. Where's your thing of Diet Coke?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Fart hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Who is this guy? Make sure you go see Matt Fulcher on The Full Charge on the Bro Adjacent Tour. Tickets are at thefullcharge.com. Of course, we also let you know that YMH Live is back. on Friday, March 7 at 7.30 p.m. Central Time. It's our biggest YMH Live yet. Special guest Dan Soder is joining us. And there's a $10,000 giveaway. Go to ymhstudios.com for more information and get your tickets.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And fart hard. And fart hard. This nation will never not fart hard for our freedom. That's it. Thank you, Matt, for coming. Guys, thank you so much. Always great to see you. Thanks for having me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, the other thing is that there was clear... When you look at the story of Germany coming to power and what they were trying to do, there's not a lot of times where you have a unified...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
front against one like his his mission was take over like we're gonna take we're just gonna invade everyone take over Europe so everybody got to go you're you're you're evil you're you're just like invading people left and right you know it was clear to have like, this is the enemy. A lot of times when there's other dictators in power, it doesn't register to everyone else.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Mi hao. What's everybody? Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We're thankful for you for being a viewer, a supporter of the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Or as big a plans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He did. And by the way, he was, you know, he was hitting home runs. Yeah. Because he was like, we're going to take Poland. They take Poland. We're going into France. Done. So he was, you know, spreading. He's getting shit done. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I believe they just elected a new leader who's a, I think, far-right leader. So maybe some, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that'd be pretty cool to see if he's like, you know, I have been inspired by some of our past leaders. I'll be at the Ford Center in Evansville, Indiana tomorrow on February 27th. There's only a few tickets left, so get them while you can. Then this Saturday, March 1st, I will be in Chicago at the United Center. Go get your tickets at tomscora.com slash tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Everybody likes it, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
People were shouting it to me at the shows I was doing. They're like, what's everybody?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Do you live stream your most intimate moments for the whole internet to see? I know I don't, but if you're going online without express VPN, you could be accidentally sharing very private moments with millions of people because all your traffic flows through their servers, internet service providers, including mobile network providers, know every single website you visit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that was awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It was a fun night.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I know. You're like, you're German, so we're Nazis. Is your dad a Nazi?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's the new.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
His party is Christian Democratic Union of Germany.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The Christian Democratic Union of Germany. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm like, pass the lemonade. And I think that's a great place to take us. Have you guys bought my lipstick yet? Oh, yeah. That's a good transition. Go ahead. Go ahead and plug your lipstick now that we're done with our Nazi tirade.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And her ignoring the execution of millions of people. Yeah, there you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, yeah. Headquarters. Yeah, headquarters. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And if you wear Berlin in Berlin, double whammy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There you go. Hitler wore lipstick. Let's play the opening clip before we get to our big news. You ready? I'm ready. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I have a lot of fun doing it. The shows have been just like, it's just so much fun. And to do it in Austin, you know, you just, you didn't know it's, it's my adopted, our adopted hometown. Now this is where we live. So to be able to, you know, sleep in your bed at night and then go down, do the big arena in town and have it be, Just jam-packed. And had so many friends and family there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Could you imagine being the person that did that maybe they wanted to do that maybe they didn't mean to do that Yeah, you're like You're the one that did it and you're like you go to your best friend at the KTLA job Jesus fucking Christ Tom
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Do anyone understand?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I fucked up so bad, dude. I deleted it right away. But do you think they saw it? So they saw what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I was just fucking joking around. Kevin and I were fucking around. And I fucking accidentally tweeted it. Tweeted what? You know, dude, the N-word.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I did. I didn't think it would fucking go up, though, dude. I deleted it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Can I tell you something? I'm stupid enough to do something like this. Like as a joke to be like, dude, what's the worst thing I could fucking tweet? Here it is, bro. And then it sends and then my life is over. Yeah, they would definitely be. I would fucking do that. I know. I don't know if I would do N word though. I might do something funnier, like more LA specific. Yeah. Like Mexican stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, I like them. That was Dennis Rodman at the end.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But I know it wasn't that light because it's LA. They got into a... It was heavy. It was like the HR had to come out and talk to everybody about their feelings and counsel people. You know what I'm saying? Of course. It was heavy. I bet you it was heavy. Okay. Good segue. Mother's Day just around the corner. Get mom my lipstick. The perfect for is the perfect gift.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You can't decide what shade to get her. Get her all four. She's going to love every single one of them. ChristinaPete.com. Get it now in time because Mother's Day is May 11th.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I'm wearing Madison today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Watch this shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Some of those voices we haven't heard in a minute.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Speaking of not being fat, I'm back on the Ozempics. Get out of here. But they upped my dose because I was eating right through it like a pig the last time I did it. And now I want to die. It's so gross. Like, I feel so sick all the time. But I'm looking thinner already. You look great. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
He even got the cool guys behind us as puppets. That's pretty awesome. This is amazing. Way to go, Scott. Thanks so much for doing that. Thank you. I love this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
So much. I miss that show. I wish they'd bring that one back.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But Jim Henson's dead. It's not going to work. That guy was the magic with that show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
cannot he was the right blend of heart and comedy and pot and you know it was the 70s gotta bring weed back into the system yeah i think so i think the drugs are bad and that's why music and creative stuff sucks so fucking hard right well yeah you don't want to you don't need the fucking people are too hardcore fentanyl and shit yeah you just need some good weed man
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
He went to Korea, to North Korea, remember?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Just some weed, maybe some good ecstasy or Molly is what the kids are taking now. Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I don't know. Cigarettes are nice too. Just smoke real cigarettes. Why are you vaping? Stop vaping. It looks so fucking gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Vaping is for fucking, it's for children.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
If you're going to go, go hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It's so fun giving them misinformation lately because now they're at the age where they can pick up on it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
They're like, but wouldn't a baby get sick?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, we went to Three Forks restaurant the other day. And we were like, yeah, they give you Three Forks. And if you don't use all three of them, you have to spend the night at the restaurant.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Of course it's true, you idiot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
you fucking sleep there until you use your third fork you gotta use all three dummy by the way i took them to see um don't let the pigeon drive the bus the musical yeah it was so good they did such a great job i'm a huge fan of mo williams books we love them at the house yeah but i've been noticing a lot of low iq adults at like children's things lately like i look for them now uh-huh and i'm like why are you here you don't have a kid with you weirdo
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And I definitely think they are low IQ adults.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I don't get it. And I also think that parents are too involved with the kids on the playground. Let them just freaking work it out. Work it out. Let them work it out. You don't need to watch everything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
oh let's see instagram got wise did it take hers down Better not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
She's got great cans. It's the big titted ones.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Hey, that's amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Thank God, AI. But this is how technology always spurs forward. It's used in pornography. It is. Pornography always goes, we'll try it. Also, this is Victoria's secret fault.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
remember victoria's secret was the first to fetishize the down syndrome model yeah we called it out fucking two three years ago like hey guys is it really a cool idea it really was kind of strange to essentially make somebody who may not be intellectually capable of choosing this career that aware of the repercussions of being sexualized yeah Oh, thanks, Victoria's Secret. You fucking dipshits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Well, because he went to North Korea to play basketball.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And this created a whole lane of guys, J and their D. To girls with Down syndrome. To Down syndrome girls. Good. Good. See? Children. Essentially intellectual children. Okay. It's not fair. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's so true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Throat goat. Fuck yeah. Is this how you feel like when we go out? Hell yeah. I'm like, bitch, don't even look at me. Compliment that bitch? Yeah. What do you think, Eni?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, because he's getting stragglers, right? Outliers. Scraps.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I think, and he's spot on. This guy's seeing some financial hardships. His game isn't as big as it used to be. I agree. I see the decline.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, he's an elder. You got to listen to him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I'm not sure I understand it. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Got it. When I was young, I used to dream of being anything, a doctor, the president, a scientist. But as you get older, your dreams change, focusing less on running the world. and more on how you can take your skills and ideas to turn them into something real. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, maybe you start dreaming of owning your own business.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. It can all be overwhelming and confusing, but thankfully this is where today's sponsor Shopify comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. From household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands that just are getting started.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Turn those dreams into... and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash mom's house. Go to shopify.com slash mom's house, shopify.com slash mom's house. But I would like to know, does he explicitly tell you the menu before you sign up? No. Or he kind of lets you know as you're going along.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Dude, he was so unhinged. Remember that time when he did karaoke and he was just like ripped.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I love Eni's assessment. I know, I do love his assessments, too. He gets it, because he fucking... I feel like you... Yeah, I think this...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, he's doing some Matrix shit here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. He's got to be lit, dude. Yeah, he's well lit. Hey, at least he's the first cool guy we've had that's well lit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And his looks. And he looks good shirtless.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. Thank God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
He's not a mess. There's no fan. No. But this is a new lane of cool guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Okay, now will you please... What do you want?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Come on. Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's a little Trump, man. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
This is usually where I tap out. Oof. Oh, it's so hard to watch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It's so hard to get through, isn't it? It's so hard to watch this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Listen, full disclosure, this was sent to me by a mom friend. I don't want to say who. I don't know if she's okay with me sharing. Oh, okay. I'm not sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
The source.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But it's a banger. Am I right? It's pretty cool. Well, what are you feeling right now? Like, I want to talk about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, because it's gay kind of bothers you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
We're running the industry now. There's so much that we've cultivated for this episode. There's something I'm excited to show you. There's things you're excited to show me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Also, yes, and a man's level of filth over the course of one month playing baseball is... Look at those. No, it's crusty. It is brown. There's dust. So when he breathes and he coughs, it's because the dust is in his throat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, fungus, toe jams.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Athlete's foot. And this guy couldn't be harder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's a lot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Different. Yeah. Different. Different. Hey, Josh, can you look up like what's the going rate for a one month old baseball player sock? It's very specific.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
A fetish like this is very specific.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
For a month's worth of work. But also put it in terms of, like, the guy had to wear those socks every day for a month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
For you. Yeah. Because now your foot's going to be covered in filth and funk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And, like, everybody's noticing. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No. For 10 days? More. More. Okay. Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I've sent this to my group chat of girlfriends that are down for this. That are down for these clips. Half of them tapped out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It is a big deal. It is a big deal. And one month of wear on a baseball player? I hope that – wait, did he say how much he paid for this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I mean, I would go $1,000, like you said, at least. That's a long game for the wearer every day to wear that crusty, nasty sock. It's uncomfortable for you as the wearer. That's what I'm saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, the funk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Right, the amount of time it took to bake that thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
So this was sent to me by a friend, and then I forwarded it to my group of really sick women friends that I've had since we were 13, 14, like my core group. And like I said, half of them tapped out. Shauna was like, nope, nope, not even going to fucking watch this. Sarah, who's down, she's like, I'm hurt. It was hard for her. That being said, please keep sending these. She still appreciates...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
tapped out of this clip we're just like i can't even watch it dude it's so you know sarah my fate my she loves these things sarah introduced me to gg allen yeah we were 18 and she saw this clip she was like wow like this is intense i made it all the way through but even watching it all the way through god damn okay yes all right well maybe just for women i don't know we'll get to it um i'm going to uh this is not the clip
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
She's hardcore. She's very hardcore. She really gets it. She's the originator of this. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. Oh, here's another one. Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Great. I mean, what a country. What a world.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
There's no reason to be poor. No reason to be broke.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Sniffer. That's perfect.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I don't like this at all. So good. I hate it. I don't like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It makes me hurt. I don't like it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I don't like seeing people's veins.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Nope.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I don't like it. I don't like seeing people's veins. Does that mean you're dehydrated?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. Guys are really cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Guys like everything and anything. There's someone out there for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Ugh, I'm going to puke. Okay, thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It's very specific. I know. I feel sick inside.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I get the sweat socks more than the veins.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, it's so weird what people sexualize. Hey, did you hear Katy Perry went into outer space today?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I was like, I hope they fucking leave her there. I don't like her music. She's so annoying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. You don't think she's the most annoying? No. I was like, bitch, stay in space.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, she's super annoying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I've seen her host that show where they rate singers and stuff. She's just obnoxious. Too much. You know what I mean? She can't not be the center of attention all the time on that show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Gayle can come back down. I like Gayle. Katie can stay in space.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Who's Lauren?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I guess. I don't want him to suffer. He's already been divorced. And he's in such good shape.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. He worked hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, here we go. I'm scared. No, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And you know, it's so funny too. It was like, they made such a big deal that it's women and they all had to ring a bell before they got on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. As opposed to passengers. They're just passengers. Yeah. What are you doing? You're sitting there in a, in a,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
She's an astronaut. Yeah. Yeah, it's so brutal. I don't know. Yeah. If these women were like scientists or physicists or something, they're just like hot women in space? Is that what we're?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Gayle King is probably the only one. I'm not familiar with everyone else, but she actually does stuff. You know what I like?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Me too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Me too. But you know what, Tom? A little ableist. I don't see anybody. I know. How come no one's in a chair or signing or anything? And I'll bet you something else. I'll bet you that spacecraft isn't even equipped for wheelchairs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Huh? What about neurodivergent? I don't see anybody with autism.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Women. Women supporting women.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
By the way, if you haven't seen Brad Williams live, I mean, it is so much fun. You're so funny. And I remember, do you remember we did this casino gig together a million years ago? Booked by the Laugh Factory.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Fuck yeah, dude. That's pretty cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Nobody can follow Brad Williams. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But also, you know, it's not just... Thank God for the jab, too. The jab.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But that's what I was going to say is like the thing that makes you so unique and so funny is that you embrace being an LP. Yeah. A little person. Let's talk about it. And the political correctness and the fear and the weirdness around it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's what you told me to call you like 15 years ago. I was like, what do I call you? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I'm such a fucking retard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
So if he reminds you of anybody, it's because a few years back,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
So you said it's difficult to fly. Why is it difficult to fly?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Why is that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I know. It's people looking at you. There you go. Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Now you, well, I think people have become slightly more aware because of like little people, big world and shows like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Well, just in terms of like show business, too. I mean, how do you feel about the whole Snow White thing and not hiring LPs to do the job?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, let's go. Let's go. I've got some fucking thoughts. Wait, can I ask this? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It's even worse. It's more egregious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Why Suffolk County?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But was it just this proximity because the girl's closer?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But also, don't you think too, like not hiring actual dwarves, it just makes you guys more outsiders. Like instead of seeing you as people, whole round people, and they chose to CGI.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's more offensive to me than hiring actual people. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Like the next town over. Yeah. That's amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Can we find the trailer, please?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
They're like space aliens.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Anyway, we get the point. It's so bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
women that like after me they got married so that I was like their last wild fling to be like I did something crazy may I ask you not to say that you beckoned it or welcomed it a lot of dudes come on to you too like homo fetish yeah like I feel like that's a male thing more than a female thing yeah they like the small hands Is that right? That's what they would say to you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, I know it. Don't I know it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Have men, gay men come on you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Can I tell you a thought I had actually today? I don't have many, but this one thought. You know, men in general, you guys don't get treated nicely. Like, you never... For instance, yeah, it's really fucked up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I'm being serious. So we have a boat. We went on Lake Austin. And Tommy's driving the boat, being the nice captain, for like hours. And it's hot. And everyone else is having fun. Tom didn't have fun. And then we went out for his birthday. I didn't realize it was your birthday dinner. Otherwise, I would have brought cash, credit card. I didn't have anything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And then he had to pay for his own birthday. And I was like... No, but it makes me sad because, like, I would be sad. And then I just thought, like, nobody admires and loves men. Nobody tells you guys how adorable you are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You can have them right now. They're not very stinky, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But nobody tells you guys, like, you're cute and pretty and stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Now I regret saying that. I feel like a doofus. Should we cut that out? No. No. No. I think it's a very relatable thing. You always work and there's no glory, you know? Well, no. You don't get the love. Like the kids like me so much more than they do. And like. Do you know what I mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And people are just nicer to me because I'm a lady overall. I do admit that things are, and I'm like a blonde white lady. It's really great. Really, people are happy to see me. I walk into a grocery store, it's nothing but smiles. It's pretty great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That was insane. And I don't think, have I even talked about it on the show? I kind of talked about it in my act. I did a while ago.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Not to hang out with me. No, no, no. They were hanging out with, I don't even want to say who else, but it's fine. Delightful. Delightful hang. Really a good hang. They're really nice people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Brad, you know what I realized? Talking to Ivanka is what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Is it Ivanka Trump?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No, it's Ivanka is the daughter, no? Am I being crazy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, Ivanka. Ivanka, she's a chick. But anyway, in talking to her and listening to her, Like, it really made me realize what a low-class donkey and how bottom barrel my upbringing was. Like, she went to the best schools. You know it. Like, what you're saying, the poise and her elegance. She's been trained. She's been trained.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, I believe it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Well, he's back in the zeitgeist. That's exciting. Hit up his promoter. What do you think he does?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
She's gorgeous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Okay, maybe it's like in Hungarian, Kristinka. They add on, you know what I'm saying? Is that her nickname?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
She's lovely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Would you fucking stop with that? He's been on this for days. Tiger would be a lion? Absolutely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's such a random. I forgot about that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Wrong. A lion, they call the king of the jungle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Why is it the king of the jungle?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
AI says a tiger would win. AI doesn't know shit. AI puts down spaces on porn models. Have you seen that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's what everybody's been saying, Brad, and now they have. No, this is what's going to further the technology.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Do you know where this came from?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
My son is reading this book, the versus books, like Scorpion versus Snake. And it's like they're animal books and they fight. So there was one that was Lion versus Tiger. And we take teams, the little boy, my nine-year-old, Tom, and we sit down together. And Ellis and I are team Lion. King of the jungle. In this particular chapter. King of the fucking jungle. And I said, without a doubt. We won.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Through the promoter. Yeah. Oh, my God. You know what I love about East Coasters? Yeah. Is the women watching this are laughing. I know. That's how hardcore East Coasters are in general. She's like, ha, ha, ha. If that would happen in California or Texas, women would be like, oh my God, they're so much tougher than us over there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No, and tell them what you did after, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
And me, dickhead. You screenshotted it. And then I wake up the next morning, and he's sending me all this literature on how tigers would actually live.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Well, Tom, if you recall in the book, the reason the tiger couldn't get a firm grasp on the lion's neck is because of its king. It's king-like mane. That is a natural defense against such attacks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You're petty? You're being petty?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You know this? Is this real?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
This is stupid, Tom. Listen, even though Tiger may be physically more agile.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
We should be having them in our backyard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That'd be fucking rad. Yeah. We can make that happen. It's Texas. We can do whatever we want. Exactly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Guys, good idea. Good idea. We're definitely doing this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, that New York City chaos.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Can I tell you his problem here? I know this because I read about this. See how the hill is on a slant? Oh, it's going down. So he needs to jump further out to go down. He did not do that. He did not execute correctly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
They knew. They saw. They knew.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Fuck, dude. The sound of him slapping on the sand.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Long Island chaos. Well, he looks a little inebriated.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Can we walk over to him? I like to see if he's breathing. Yeah, no one cares about him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You need a dolly, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I forgot that bit too. I forgot that. Do you think that guy was talking shit about him being small?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It's way better. Ours is better. Yeah. This one's way more authentic. It always bums me out to see workers getting hurt. Yeah. Blue collar people getting hurt. Because my dad would tell me about these forklift injuries. My dad had a forklift business. Got it. And dudes get run over a lot. Yeah. And hurt a lot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, no. We take our kids to these places.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, fuck. I'm really having a day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I know it's not America because here we have padded mats that you can fall on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You sign your life away.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Dude, he just fell. It sounded like a shotgun. I don't like this. Poland. Poland, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, fuck off.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
He only had a concussion. That's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I didn't like that one. I think that's horrible. 50 feet is so far. It's very high. Because even if you hit water, if you jumped off a cliff, you know, like cliff diving, and you hit the water from 50, it hurts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Damn.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
But hold on. Don't you feel like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. Don't you think that injury could have been avoided?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Like, why are you flying out, bro?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Well, I hope he got laid this night. I like him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Are you ready for my TikToks, Brad? Yeah. I like to focus on the marginalized communities. Oh, boy. Giving them a voice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yep. Mouth kissing. Look how angry and annoyed that lion is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
He's like, fuck off. Yeah. I don't know. He's not into it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
He's not. I don't know. When I kiss our cat like that, you can tell when Munchkin enjoys it. He's tolerating it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
God, this is the easiest money you can make.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I don't believe it. She's not... That's not real. I know my farts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I would never hang out there again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You know, I have to say, the people that are into adult babying, generally not attractive. They're not people... What are you trying to say? I'm trying to say it's an unattractive community.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It's not real.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Send me your... Hey, are you like a hot adult baby fetish person? Send a pic. And be a genuine one, though. I want you to prove it. Just like those fart fetish girls. Prove it. I don't buy it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I didn't think they're co-opting your culture. This is cultural appropriation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's not real.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. You know why?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
She's not pushing. Those sounds... Look, you're talking to the fart master.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Same way. Same way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Like when I go on a date, Tom, and I've got that NRE, I just want to share it with you. I want you to share the joy with me. Like, what did I eat? And like, I sucked his dick. And like,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You know I am.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I see. There's no push.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's a really good point.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, yeah. Okay, good. Open, poly, bi.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Pronouns.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I love it. It's just all I think about is dating, dating, dating. Yes, I have two children. Whatever.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
For a girl, no. This is a... Even dudes, you'll see them... Yeah, you bear down. There's no bearing down. Wow. I'm going to call bullshit on this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
It's like, I don't know how you're doing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
The hands.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
The low IQ adults that are attending.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I said it. I'm a fart expert. Listen...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah. Well, because when you think about it, you're bringing shame on your family. You're bringing shame on everything. And thankfully, my family doesn't give a fuck. So I do and say as I please. But yeah, like if you came from a normal place and...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Lose some LBs. And also, by the way, America is really the only country that,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
for like allows people to be fat and oh it's great if you go to europe guess what do you think they're going to be cool with you being overweight they shame you into losing the weight yeah you may not be in asia they'll shame the shit out of you for being fat what they would tell her is like yeah you shouldn't fly ever yeah yeah even if like if it's a six-day road trip do it because yeah do it
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
There it is. Oh, shit. 100% off. Do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, she's not getting 100% off.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah, this is Asia. This is how they roll, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, my God. So I'm listening to this Hungarian podcast. You practice listening in Hungarian. Oh, okay. And this girl moved from Budapest to San Antonio two years ago. And she's like, I have gained 30 pounds because I love nachos. I've never had nachos before, and I love nachos. And all your American food is so tasty, and I'm so fat. Yes. Yes. Yes, it is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I mean, come to Texas, Mila. Come sit on our couch, and you can fart like that with no pushing, no bearing down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No fatties.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
We'll have it in the studio. I will.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Thank you, Brad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Let's see it. Bring one of these models here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Bye, Jeans. Bye.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
By the way, $14.95. A month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Models. 150 models. I mean, they're making a great living. How many subscribers do they have?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
We don't know. Yeah, you can't really. We don't know the math. They're not doing this for free. I'll tell you that. I got to tell you, if things got desperate for me, this is the first place I would head.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Feet, farts. uh what else selling used underwear yeah used gym clothes easy money easy money easy money i don't like this you don't like this i don't like yeah i like him i don't like it why he looks sick oh he's fine he doesn't look normal he's normal I don't like this clip. What is this? This is upsetting. I don't like this. This reminds me of my cousin Chubba in Hungary who's touched.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
This is something Chubba would probably do. Chubba rides his bike, right? Yeah, he looks for aliens around Budapest on his bicycle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
i don't like it i don't like that he's just his arms are too thin yeah i don't like the rocking i don't like the fan okay i don't like any fucking all right there's a hole in the wall like right any i feel like any fucking hates it too yeah the hole in the wall is definitely my first like what is going on with this man i'm a little scared for him but you know what he should get his yeah exactly he should get his i support him you mean like make a living on oh i see what you're saying
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Slang. I don't understand that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I thought you were meaning like he's going to get beaten. No. It used to be that's what the mafia. No, he's just, okay. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
God, there's so much to go through. I can't believe you're wasting time on this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No, show me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
That's right, my whole childhood.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
No. i gotta start following the ktla news team yeah you gotta start following them i think i've been on this channel channel five they just tweeted out the n-word no that's it just that just that just n where n words plural it looks like can i see that bigger please i'm trying to let's see Hilarious. Yeah. Just that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Somebody at KTLA is not a fan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
I buy that story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Oh, my God. Could you imagine seeing that tweet? You're like, what is going on? KTLA.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
N words.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Amazing. I love KTLA, right? Josh, don't you feel a sense of like, that's my shit? Yeah, that's our channel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
You can't just tweet the N-word. You just can't do it. What a mess! Moms deserve the absolute best, especially on Mother's Day. And when it comes to flowers, there's only one place I trust to get it right every time. 1-800-Flowers.com. Every year I order from 1-800-Flowers.com and my mother-in-law is always blown away. The roses are stunning.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
The service is always on point because when it comes to celebrating the most important women in our lives, nothing less than perfect will do. I mean it. Every time I have used 1-800-Flowers.com, I've never been disappointed. The blooms are so fresh and the delivery is so impeccable. This year, I'm teaming up with 1-800-Flowers.com to make Mother's Day even sweeter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
Right now, when you order one dozen roses, they'll double it to two dozen for free. Twice the beauty, twice the love, all at no extra cost. So don't wait. Show mom just how much she means to you with a gift that says it all. Go to 1in100flowers.com today and give moms their flowers. Trust me, they always deliver. Bouquets are selling fast, so lock in your order today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
To claim your double your roses offer, go to 1-800-Flowers.com slash YMH. That's 1-800-Flowers.com slash YMH. Do you say data or data? Well, at my house, we say data. And for the longest time, I thought paying a fortune on my monthly data plan was just normal. That was until I found out about Mint Mobile and their premium wireless plans that start at just 15 bucks a month. We use it here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Brad Williams’ Little Problem With Snow White | Your Mom's House Ep. 807
We love Mint Mobile. It saved us a ton of cash. Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you. All plans come with high-speed data. or data, your choice, and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's amazing that you chose to change your entire life. I think it's lovely. And it's a wonderful new time for all of us as a family. We came together. The boys love it. I love having you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, you know the demand is there now. You just saw a montage of several thousand people from all over the globe that want to see you do things.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Look, it's an interpretation, okay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Am I talking in a speaker of this conversation?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You got to talk into the microphone, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah, but you've got the box.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's easy money. You know how much a guy would pay to see that every month?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's a different world.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No. She's a school teacher. This one's my son's kindergarten teacher. Okay. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Charles, let me ask you something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You're going to wake up tomorrow morning. You're going to make your coffee. You're going to eat your pastry. You're going to stand in your kitchen, and you're going to fart. Now, hold on. Do you want that fart to just go nowhere, or do you want to make a million dollars this year?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I mean, money in the bank. Money, money, money.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
We're just talking ideas.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You're not open to it. How open on a scale of one to 10 are you? To fart. For OnlyFans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, that's something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Thank you, Chad. What are you saying? I don't speak Spanish. Thank you. Chad likes you, see? It's gentlemen like Chad that would pay to see your OnlyFans content. Nice guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That is nothing. That's a nothing burger. I've done that on my TikToks and my Instagrams. It's like not a big deal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
All you do is he's laying down and going, hi, what's wrong with this? What's wrong with that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I don't see anything wrong.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I don't understand. He's just laying there. He's showing us, look, I'm reclining. I'm enjoying myself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You know what would be really cool? Hey, I'm having my lunch. This is what I'm having for lunch today. Just a healthy salad. I'm going to go for my jog.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I don't know. What's wrong with you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I think that headphones on your cheek and not on your ear. Can you push it back to your ear?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No, no, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Don't touch it. Just don't touch it. It's perfectly set for you. And you know why, Charles? We want to see your beautiful face. And if you push it up, they can't see your face.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
This is just a video. It's nothing to do with OnlyFans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Sir. Oh, wow. That's going to make a lot of work.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But I'll tell you what. And doing that? He does Pista, Only P. But if you did figure out OnlyFans, you're looking at a potential millionaire right there. Yeah. You just saw a guy make a million dollars.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I think that was horrible, too. That was pretty horrible. I agree.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, he's paralyzed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Ay, que horror. It's a guy riding a bull, just so you know, for those listening. His leg is totally sideways.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
He doesn't know. It's random.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
He doesn't put these together.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Absolutely horrible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
There's a woman with a horse. Oh, shit. The horse just kicked her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I kind of liked it because I kind of hate horses. You hate horses? I don't like horses. I don't like horse culture, horse people. I think it's silly to ride them. I think there's, yeah, it's like silly. Why would you ride a beast that can just murder you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I really do. It's too late.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Uh-oh, I know where this is going. That lady better move. Oh, she bent the stick.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Here, let's see it again. It looks like a tire iron.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Is that the word tire iron? Look at the curve on that thing. Is that called tire iron?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It looks like a tire iron.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
She hit the shit out of that iron.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That was really funny, yeah. How did you get this thing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
This is the copy. This is the copy. He didn't. I swear to God, this is the agency.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Look. How do you think we're going to pay for your new washer dryer? With the money for the DP? Yes. They're paying us to read this copy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Where was I?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I got to go too. I got to go home. I don't know where I'm going.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, that's exhausting. Exhausting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
There's a guy skiing, right? He's standing and then he gets... Oh, my God. Somebody behind him knocks him clear over.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But we wanted to show nice things.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What do you find funny? You know, we were watching Notting Hill the other night at the house and your mother did laugh. I love it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
She LOL'd pretty hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's like a romantic comedy with Hugh Grant.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It is cute, but I don't know if I ever LOL'd.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
She really was laughing hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
So I'm just saying maybe we don't share a sensibility of what's funny maybe with the horrible or hilarious, which is fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
And then he wakes up. Oh, that's so dangerous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah, I'm surprised. That's good that he stayed in there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah, it's really loving, I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I don't really like them either. It hurts my head and stuff. It doesn't scare you? I don't like it. I don't like it the older I get. I don't like it. I don't like it either. I think life's scary enough. I don't need to be like a thrill seeker. Like I'm scared of every day. Like I go to the doctors and I'm like, oh shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, what were you going to say? What could Tom work on? What can Tom work on? As a human being, what can he work on? Well, he's a good comedian.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No, this is our friend, Will. He lives in Canada.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Tom... That's on a... Oh, dude, why is he posing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
On that guy? I really... Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
These all come in like in a... But you asked me if I'm... No, that's over. Can I ask you something, Tom? Is this like a fetish video where the guy's voluntarily lying down? It's a hazing. Oh, like a fraternity. So this is what's happening on the schools these days. This is why we're.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That's what it is. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
This is a current event show. No, this is just a current event segment of the show. This is what people are doing. So we like to comment on what's happening in the world.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I just have to say, and I know we haven't talked about it yet, but, you know, I haven't been able to scroll anything other than the fire stuff on TikTok. It's been devastating. And I feel like it's like a movie I'm watching. It's not even real because we're not there anymore. So I can't walk through the city. It's the hardest thing in the world. It's just devastating. And the Palisades.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Was our dream come true?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It was our dream. Especially I grew up in the San Fernando Valley, shitty little apartment with my mom, all immigrants. And I only dreamed of living somewhere as beautiful as the Palisades. And then we got that house and I was like, I have made it. And even in the back of my mind.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But now there's not even the hope of going back. There is no there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
And I just, my heart goes out to everybody, obviously.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I mean, everything that we watch is, yes. Sorry, before I forget, though, you guys, we are raising money to help Angelenos with our T-shirt. You can get it at ymhstudios.com, all proceeds go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
well not there you look there's those people that have been living in the palisades for 20 30 40 years too and it's not just rich assholes that are affected by this schools have burned down it's just it's can you imagine being a kid you lose your home and your school in one day it's just alarming it's and it's oh i i'm too upset it's very very troubling um that being said it's probably a
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
By the way, at the time we're recording this, L.A. is still on fire, just so people know. And I don't know what it's going to look like when this airs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
We got to fire somebody today because this is on this team. I agree with you. Well, who do we fire first? Look at their faces. Oh, man. I'm so sorry. You're right. This is very disrespectful. We did not okay these videos. Josh, are you responsible for this? Yeah, who's getting canned?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Which one of you put these videos in front of my mother-in-law? I want answers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No, nobody gets fired. OK, but guys, next time, let's be a little more respectful of my mother-in-law.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Sorry about that. Oh, that's so sweet. It's so good. They're very sweet. They love you. They didn't know. They love me, but they really are nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, that's so cool. Well, this is 100% squirrel, which is very tricky. How many squirrels did they have to... This costs... Is that your phone?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You want to put that on quiet? Yeah, this is made out of 100% Texas squirrel, and they had to catch about 500 squirrels to make this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
And their meat is not very good. It's very gamey. So we're not taking away food from the homeless or anything like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Can I talk?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yes, they are. Really? They steal those nuts from the other creatures.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But making jackets, they need to be.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, we have to kill them to keep the population down. They're rascals. So you told me that. Their fur is nice. So these are all the tails. They just use the tail and then they throw away the body because who cares? What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Are you trying to be funny?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
They taunt our dogs. They taunt your cats. I know they steal the food from the birds.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No, he's an environmentalist.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Look, here's one of those menacing little critters right now. Me muero.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That's the exact squirrel we have problems with, this particular breed. See, now you want a jacket. I can get you a jacket.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Matt, Charo, may I ask you a personal question? It's respectful. It is with all respect. You're a player of bridge. You loved playing bridge back in Florida. And when you came to Texas, I offered to find you a bridge opportunity to go play with other people and stuff. And then I sent you an opportunity today to go play at a bridge club and you declined. Why did you decline?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Back to the bridge. You wrote back and you said, this bridge is a social club. I play for money. No, I pay to play.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I don't know. But I am going to do a thing. You want to get filler. And I told you I found the doctor. But you can't just go to some nickel and dime place and get filler.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You have to go to a reputable plastic surgeon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What about, hold on. I understand you're upset. No. What about a breast enhancement? Would you consider getting a boob job? Me? Here's the thing. I know you don't like wearing a bra. You can get implants so that you don't even have to wear a bra.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But if you get implants, you can put a mesh in there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
fascinating we all talked about this you were the star of the vacation by far the star you were the star of the vacation can i can i tell you what i'm just so amazed with you is that for the first time in what 17 years you said you put on a bathing suit it's true you got into the ocean with our children with your beautiful grandsons you got on a sea do you did with this guy
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
We don't laugh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Those are pee cups. That's enormous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, wow. That's her still?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
She's got a bra on. But look how much people love it. Fire, fire emoji, fire. I love all your videos and pictures.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No, they love her. It's not mean. What do you mean? They're being sincere. What do they tell her? They dance?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But do you see, like, chicks dig a British accent, too?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Dude, and he got a best drink of the day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
The kids are in the back. They love that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
They're laughing right now. They love it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What accent is that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's supposed to be an awful British accent. Like, as bad as they all are trying to be, but... Yeah, so we're telling our listeners, because you tell the listeners to go to Starbucks or wherever, drive-thru, and do a fake British accent. And you have to say, Happy Birthday...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
And you were jumping in the water.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Keep the accent the whole time. Do a bad British accent. Okay, hold on. There was another question that had nothing to do with that. Okay. Here's another one. Keep thinking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I got it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
So good. Oh, so funny. This is so bad. Yeah, so much fun. Can I tell you what happened to me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Wait, can I tell you the coolest thing happened to me this weekend? I was with our sons at a restaurant, and you have to walk up to the cashier to order, right? So Julian and I are there. We order. We're just kind of standing here. A woman comes up, and I hear her go, hey, Hitler, I'd like to order a cheeseburger and fries and da-da-da. And then she goes, thank you, Mommy. What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
And I was like, and we both went, it was the coolest thing ever. Yeah, I saw it in the wild. I saw one in the wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I loved it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I don't think she understands.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Bonjour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Joyeux anniversaire.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But you didn't like that he was going too fast.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Hello, governor. Tom, can I watch that guy do a governor again? Yeah, sure. So funny. He goes, hello, governor. It's your birthday. It's your birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's like a Cockney way of saying hello. She doesn't know what that means. It's like a Lowa slang. It's slang. It's like British slang. Oh, okay. Hello, governor. Okay. It's like slang.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Right, right. It's supposed to be kind of low class, yeah. You're sounding like you're not upper class.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That's why we like the governor. That's... That's what I'm saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
We got to keep watching.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Totally.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I wouldn't have my sweet, wonderful husband. I wouldn't have my grandbabies if it weren't for you. Yeah. It's true. If it weren't for you. You wouldn't have your grandbabies and you wouldn't have your husband. And my whole life I have to thank you. It's a true story. Thank you, Gavna. Thank you, Gavna. Thank you, Gavna. Happy birthday. It's your birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That was Josh. That was Josh. And he pushed the button. Josh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Now we have to do a super cut. Here. Here. Right here. Of all these times we've asked.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That and a super cut of... Oh, thank you. What are we talking about? What did I say about that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Thanks, Jeff. I forgot. We have to do super cuts. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Whew.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
May I ask you this, since you are about Catholic? Josh, please.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I do. I do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I don't want to. No, I'm just asking you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Is there anything in the Bible about the end of times? Is it similar to what's happening now?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, then that's good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I think you think this is funny for me. No, Pizzagate, it's all there. I know. It's horrible. It bothers me. I think any sensitive person, it bothers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But may I tell you something? That's why it's so important.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
The point being laughter is important. Listen, it's important to make people laugh. Because the world is getting darker. Annie!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
And really it was because of your positive attitude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
The disrespect. Guys, come on. This is not funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, my God. I'm trying my hardest to keep these boys in line.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Doing what? The right thing. Again, guys. I mean, I don't know how else to yell at them. But what is this stupid thing anyway?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You know what? It is upsetting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Tom, your mother's right. We should change how we do this show. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What should we do? We don't know. The problem is we're so depressed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, what should we do? You tell me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You okay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You all right? I'm just making sure I'm just checking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What kind of things should we be talking about? Like if you could have notes for us on the show, what do you think would make it better?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Something funny like Notting Hill. So I should watch that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, we want you to come back on the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Wait a minute. What is Notting Hill? Because you thought it was funny. Remember you were at my house? Yeah, I love it. Yeah, you love it. And so I want to make a show that you're proud of.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
So I want to watch with the staff, Notting Hill, and see what's funny in there. And then maybe we could put that in your mom's house and make it a better show. One that you'd be proud of.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Do you want a squirrel jacket? I can get one for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's true. And the homeless can hunt them and eat them. It's a service.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yes. Very disrespectful. And I... Can I tell you something? I think it hurts Tom's feelings. What is it that I did? It hurts Tom's feelings when you don't listen to his full thought and you cut him off.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
And also, might I say you've embraced, at your age, if you might, it's okay saying you're 80 years old, 80 years young. and that you've embraced, I would say, such a cool lifestyle, the lifestyle I want to have. You're into all kinds of things. May I say? Yeah. You're into edibles now?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh my gosh, that's not true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What is it going to be like? Nice things? Pleasant things? The name of the show? What's it called? Nice things?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, that's the thing. What's compelling to you? What's interesting?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Like Bill Cosby, he was clean funny. Yeah. No, Bill Cosby's comedy was very clean funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, they won't take me to jail. That's not my fault.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Do I have any TikToks we could show her?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, you would have a huge TikTok following. You would have a huge... Oh, here we go. Oh, shit. I found this account that only shows people falling from heights.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
This is educating the public on what not to do to keep them safe. This is positive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Are you answering him?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I have an idea. What if it's a love connection show?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's last chapter Love Connection? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Psychedelics?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Hey, excuse me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
No, I'm not saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Hold on. My rage has been overflowing lately, so I filmed my rage ritual this morning so you can see what healthy rage can be. Catharsis. I like it. Yeah, she's letting out her... Is this how you spend your mornings? But she's making money.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
but so my show is going to be you hitting this pillow getting out your rage maybe against tom and me for putting you through this show and josh zolo and any here's the other thing you have to you are doing a commercial for yourself right now what hold on you thank tom and me and and them for playing these clips listen this is a real serious question
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
They saved her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Like a butler? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
This is in the four seasons. Hold on a second.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Wait, can I explain what you're watching?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
This grown man got to, in a children's playground, got stuck inside of like a metal children's playground toy. He's sweating. And now he can't get out. He might die in there, yeah. Yeah, that's what I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
He got stuck in a children's playground toy like an idiot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I do it at my house for you. I have special decaf pods for you at my house because I have empathy for that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Another coffee.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Thank you, Heather. No, she's not dosing you. Hey, that's my royal cup. What do you think? That's from the queen. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's from the jubilee. Pretty cool, huh? God save the queen. I think that's from her platinum jubilee. Don't be retarded.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I ordered it from Buckingham Palace.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That's the guy we were just talking about on the playground. What happened? He's stuck in the playground, remember? He's stuck in the playground, remember? You wanted him to die a minute ago. You were happy that he died.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Sorry, I misunderstood.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I'm sorry I misunderstood.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Did you guys do that on AI?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That's AI. I think this is what they did. They put this together with artificial intelligence and they're framing you. They're trying to make you say bad things.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Me too. And you guys, we're going to get to the bottom of this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What are you talking about? After this, we're going to scold him. It's dangerous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I'm going to go pee.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I am a fucking Jew.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Oh, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I didn't say it like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It is true, though. We do own it. We're the signers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
The time is up, though. The crew has to go home. The crew has to go home.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Sponsor. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Well, and you were so fun when you were taking them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
They're all getting fired after this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I think you were just... When I was taking them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah. Because you're so unhappy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yeah, you were so much fun. You had the best attitude. On vacation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
What is she saying? What are you saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Like a gummy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It didn't do anything to you? You don't think it affects you at all? Zero.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I'm in your show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
But I love that you're embracing. Look, it's very amazing that somebody will change. I mean, you changed your life moving here to Austin. You've really embraced a whole new chapter in your life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Churro, do you want to button your sweater so that your tetas don't?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Hands down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I think you should button it. Oh, shit. What do you want me to button? Button your sweater. Button it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
Yes. Why three? You're in perfect health. You're healthier than me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
You and I did our Redwoods Sauna together the other day, and it was delightful. We caught up. We got away from our kids.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
I'm telling you, as somebody who, you know, you just want it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
That's right. We use Mint Mobile here at your mom's house studios. It's been fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
If you want the show to have class and good scenes. No, we don't. What do you think of my drawing of Tom?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's Mom Joins OnlyFans | Your Mom's House Ep. 794
It's true. The train has left the station. It's never too late.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
This is Tony Michael John's, ladies and gentlemen. over here in the jailhouse. I just want to say, you know, there's a very, very special sweetie out there out in Cali. Her name's Lynn, and we've been talking for about six months now, and we finally made it official in the jailhouse. And I just want to let, you know, all my fans know that I am off the market. And, you know, I love you, Lynn.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
I love you, sweetie. I can't wait to, you know, get out to Cali and, you know, show you a good time, baby. Take a nice, clean, hot shower with you, sweetie. I love you, Lynn. I'll call you tonight, baby, at 8 o'clock. I love you, sweetie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
Welcome, welcome to your moment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
It became a classic, I guess. The hardest niggas is standing by, ready to pick up that phone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
818.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
With Tom Sikora, Tom Sikora, and Christina Margetzky.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
Get back up here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
There will be no satanic church in my hill, Del Cero. There will be no eight-story complex, apartment complex in Del Cero. Uh-uh, no, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
You Want To Talk Some Sh!t? w/ Brent Weinbach | Your Mom's House Ep. 811
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Dumbest Shark Tank Pitches w/ Mark Cuban | Your Mom's House Ep. 802
I mean, I really did first see you sitting at the Stupa outside the Cat Club. That is the first time I saw you. You remember. You do remember that story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Dumbest Shark Tank Pitches w/ Mark Cuban | Your Mom's House Ep. 802
What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Dumbest Shark Tank Pitches w/ Mark Cuban | Your Mom's House Ep. 802
You have your core group of friends.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Dumbest Shark Tank Pitches w/ Mark Cuban | Your Mom's House Ep. 802
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Dumbest Shark Tank Pitches w/ Mark Cuban | Your Mom's House Ep. 802
That's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Dumbest Shark Tank Pitches w/ Mark Cuban | Your Mom's House Ep. 802
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Dumbest Shark Tank Pitches w/ Mark Cuban | Your Mom's House Ep. 802
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's an appropriate song for some of the subjects today. Man. Man, today's going to be just rocking. We're on fire. We're rolling. There's so much to get into. There's so many interesting stories that some might not even expect that are going to be discussed today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I was like, oh, watching you. Yeah. He was watching. He goes, I go, there's a blue dragon that kept like trying to bite. He goes, yeah, because you went. And then and then the next day when I saw him walk around, he went, he went.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, he was just like, come in my hand. Yeah. That's what I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, he was jacking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we haven't even opened the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, that's the end of your questions. Here we go. Let's open the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I'm outside Victoria's Secret. The secret is that I just took a diarrhea in the dressing room because I ate too much orange chicken at the Panda Express.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
In Sedona.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay, that's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I enjoyed it. Did you learn anything? No, it was just like, it was a nice, it was a good experience. Yeah. I enjoyed it. Yeah, it was the opposite of scary. That's nice. That is nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The secret is that I just took a diarrhea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's Victoria's secret.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The third apocalypse, the third eagle of the apocalypse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Don't think so. I'm looking and I don't think it was the thumb.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I think she went in there just to shit in the dressing room.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, look at her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Revelations. Isn't his show something like that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Her. What do you think that lays above shitting where she shouldn't shit?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She went from Panda Express to Victoria's Secret. First of all, this woman's a fucking menace.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What do you mean? That's not the two-stop way to do things. Oh. Panda Express, then go, I'm going to go to the lingerie store? That's true. I don't think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
First, and then you fill up with diarrhea food. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sure. That orange chicken. No one's mad at that. Goddamn. But she's gnarly. That's the secret.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She has nice hair. She has nice hair.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
William Tapley, he often talks about.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
By the way, you want to do like a little vibe shift real quick? Of course. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know. How do you do this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So I look this up. Yeah. Because I don't know what's happening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's throat whistling. But I've never even heard. Because whistling, typically you see people with their lips, right? Like the sound. He can whistle from here. I don't even understand that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He is a man. Third eagle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't understand how it happens. I don't either. And how he manipulates. I mean, how he manipulates.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Right. But how does it even start, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I bet you can.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay, here's what it says online. To whistle with your throat, also called throat whistling, you essentially create a constriction in your throat by manipulating your vocal cords while directing a stream of air through a specific mouth position, usually with a slightly open mouth. and a flattened tongue near the bottom teeth allowing the air to vibrate and produce a whistling sound.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's so upsetting that he won't reach out to us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This technique requires practice and precise control of your throat muscles and tongue placement. And now everybody, let's all see everybody try to throat whistle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I mean, this guy... When you talk about unique talents for real...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I've never even met a throat whistler. Neither have I. None of my friends have ever been like, hey, you want to see some shit? No. And dropped the throat whistler.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. That is awesome when people do that. Yeah. And it sounds like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That bit is fucking 15 years old now, and nobody's ever caught on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Burt Kershire. That's a new one. We've heard so many variations. Kershire.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Nobody can get it. And look at his face. Burt's like, yeah, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I love that part of his head goes, I thought I was famous enough for someone to get it right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Someone came up to me this weekend. Yes. Goes, I never wear red lipstick. And I go, okay. And she goes, I bought Christina's. She goes, that's the only red that I've ever worn. She goes, I love it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There is this fart thing that you might like. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sedona is a beautiful place.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, so you did that lady a favor, I guess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
By the way, that's Chris. Yes. And I did his podcast, if you don't know. It's called Modern Wisdom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I just did it a couple weeks ago.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Really nice guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know. Or I've heard that because I've heard people go, oh, when you meet somebody, I go, what do you do? And they're like, well, you know, you excuse yourself or you leave them. Like for what if you have like a bunch of farts, you just keep get up and you leave over and over. It's kind of weird, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, and he's one of these. Don't you have like you have a policy, right? A girl can't fart in front of you. No, no, I didn't say that. I thought you told me before that you were completely against a girl ever farting in front of you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The pitch changes more than a flat road fart walk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, no. I've done that. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It was a spiritual journey. And we even experienced a sound bath. I enjoyed the sound bath.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The fart stair walk is cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sometimes, too, if you jog.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So it's more of a fart jog. Sure. Also, the movement is a little more than a walk stride. Sure. So you'll hear different pitches. It's pretty cool. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's very cool. It's Black History Month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, yeah. Congrats, Annie. Thanks, guys. In honor of you, our black brothers and sisters, we bring you this gift.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I loved it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Creole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I really did. Did you go on a journey in your mind? Actually, yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Cat's Fist and Bash loves frogs. I'm smart. I know what's to do. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, this one's really cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, that is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
No, but what I'll say is that I'll say what I told the sound bath lady, Echo, is that she was like, you know, just let yourself go where it goes. And I went everywhere.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Romanis?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It was African-American. There was no Jewish mention, though. That is interesting. She mentioned everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Kind of makes you wonder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's kind of strange to list everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Did she list Muslims? I didn't hear that. Wow. She did not, Tom. It's actually a very not inclusive song.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You specifically left out two very... Big groups. Big, small groups. Right. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, here's a little geography lesson for you. Latin encompasses Latin America, which is the, which is what you know as not this America. I'll tell you that. So like kind of further down South. Sure. And Hispanic would be a Hispano like Spain.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Spanish people are Hispanic. I didn't know that. I just lumped you guys all in speaking your fucking dirty. Hispanics are not Latin.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Well, there's Christina for you guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
People are saying, by the way, speaking of Latins, people are saying this is Charo at Disney. Have you seen this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Would you marry your son? Uh, yes, of course. My God, I wish I could.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I went into space, but I mean, I had thoughts of like, there was times I was thinking about our kids, about you, friends, feelings. Like it was a real visual kind of journey that I let the sound kind of guide me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Welcome to the fucking new world, dude. This is everything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This is everything after COVID, honestly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You get these bottom feeders working everywhere now. You get these. I'm serious. Every fucking service person is dog shit now. They're the worst. Yeah. And I'm talking to you. If you have a job like that, you suck. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
They're all fucking losers. No. Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are. You guys are the worst.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
no it's not the same it's not the same but i was making the comment more seriously about the service industry it is it's totally oh stop it hasn't bounced back definitely not you don't feel that anymore any type of like go to restaurants hotels airlines every place that like there's airlines are always atrocious but it's worse it's all worse it's way worse or the airlines are garbage the hotels are worse yeah restaurants are worse because i don't leave the house as much anymore
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Because people left who had some of these jobs and they replaced it with the fucking B squad. Actually, like the C squad. Yeah. So that's who has the job now. Yeah. Yeah. It sucks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He had bits. He had bits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know what the... Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He had stock lines for everything. I hated it. As somebody that makes fun of people all the time, I can't mock those people in front of them. Do you know what I mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, is it like just a nice thing that I'm doing? Yes, because it's mean. Because I sympathize with and I just go along and I never mock them. That guy, man, it starts with just like the approach to the table. He goes, hey, I'm like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Jeff, we'll be taking care of you guys tonight. Where are we in from? Where's everybody coming from? And right away, I'm like, oh, shit. But I still go, I don't mock them. I go, I'm coming from Austin. Austin, Longhorns. And you're like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
he's like what are we celebrating whenever everybody tells me what are we celebrating i always just go dinner yeah i don't know we're just here guys it's hula hands there's not to be a celebration birthday his anniversary is a special occasion i'm like just dinner it's evening we haven't eaten dinner yet and then he's like okay right and then he he just runs through his bits and uh i got a little little special something here off the menu uh
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
what then he does like oh yeah there's like a seafood thing he's like it's not local because there's no ocean right and you're like no i know we got the bit he's like uh flew it in but i promise not didn't come in last week and then he starts laughing at all his stuff and i'm like and you have to go like yeah because there's no ocean and no i know but i can't i can't mock him
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's doing his best. That's, that's the other thing. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Don't worry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, you read people, right? You read body language.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You just look. That's because you know what that takes though? Because I learned this about, I learned this from, so Acme Comedy Club is one of the best comedy clubs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
in the country so for people that don't know how the way the way most comedy clubs work is you're on stage right you're performing everybody has ordered everyone knows about two drink minimum right and then this thing that all comedians get to know the check drop yeah what that means is usually like 45 minutes into the headliner set every server
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
We'll drop the check for the people to pay before the show ends. And it always destroys the momentum of what you're doing on stage. It's the worst. But most comedy clubs don't care. They're just like, who cares?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So you're on stage. You're in the middle of, let's say, your best, most well-structured bit. It's a closer because you're working towards your closer. And then they're just like, well, you got to pay. Is that a visa? We don't take American. You're like, cool. And then you just deal with it, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So you just, what ends up happening is as a seasoned comedian, you start to learn that if that check drop happens, pivot to something that doesn't need their focus because they can't focus while they're paying their bill. So anyway, the first time I did Acme, I remember I got off stage and I was like, I was like, man, everybody paid attention. I was like, is there no check drop here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And they're like, oh no, there is. And I'm like, wait a minute. I didn't notice though. And they go, oh no, we give people their checks throughout the show depending on their pattern of ordering and consuming. And I was like, so what they're doing is let's say somebody has a beer and then their second one They're nursing it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And it's 20 minutes into the show. They will just quietly put the bill there and they go, this person is not going to be consuming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Somebody else, let's say, orders a bucket of beers. They go, well, that's all they're going to order. Yeah. So then they give them their bill. Yeah. 18 minutes in. So it's staggered so that like when that 45 minute, 50 minute time comes, there's not a massive drop. They're smart. And I was like, oh, but what it takes is like thought nuance and train and they train the servers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
They go watch the person. Yeah. Like watch how they do it and then drop it at the appropriate time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Do it again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's a lot of work. And then there's always like, well, how does the person respond to the bill? Sort of like this guy, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So this is posted by Dan, a serial entrepreneur, small business advisor, and YouTuber. He's complaining about prices at Guy Fieri's restaurant. I'll say this. I love Guy Fieri. I think he's a fantastic person. I loved when I met him and hung out with him. He was so gracious and so cool. I'm wondering because of the noise here in the background. First of all, it sounds very busy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It was enjoyable, though. I really enjoyed it. Yeah. It was like the, I don't know, how long did it last? 30 minutes? Something like that? Maybe an hour. Okay. It was probably the only hour I didn't think about death in a long time. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It sounds like a lot of people are paying $70 for two chicken sandwiches and two waters. This feels like Vegas pricing, which is standard. Vegas everything is like, what, you want a basket of fries? It's $40.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, but here's the thing. 23 bones. This is a tier of restaurants.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, but this is my point, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This is not McDonald's.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's Vegas. Oh, it's Vegas, baby. It's not crazy. Well, then it's Vegas. That's not crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Vegas, everything is like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Also, there's definitely a tier above this if you're looking for high-priced items. Sure. No, that's Vegas prices.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Absolutely. If you go to Chili's in Vegas, you're going to pay this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And you're going to eat it? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I'd put my arm around a cow and be like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's what I'm laughing at. This dude is so pissed off. It's the funniest thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Can you go to his Instagram?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's IA allegedly. I allegedly. Is that right? Is that his?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So what's he normally like? What's he say here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Look, he's happy in that one, the one you just clicked on there. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's happy about smokes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It says, please be kind to everyone. Onward and upward. All the best. Fuck you, guy. You piece of shit. He really did not like getting that bill. Also, didn't he know the prices? That's what I said. Right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So see that, if you scroll up there, that second lady. So it's sort of like that setup. She had all these types of instruments, right? Bulls. Objects that would make.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Right, because if they're like $23.99 each, yeah, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Where?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's a lot there. It's a lot there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I bet he doesn't like Kamala. Let's see that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Kick out of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And then you lay down, you cover your eyes, which I'm a big fan of. I love eye covers. And you're comfortable. Yeah. And then sounds begin.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I want to see. I'd like it too. This is like when your dad explains politics to you. Yeah. I'd like to see him lose his shit. Not my dad. Oh, that's a cool American flag shirt.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Wow, he's wearing that in a lot of videos.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's a big one. Yeah, that's a big one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, I don't think you're wrong. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This is posted in June.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Real happy though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Hashtag business. so cool fucking asshole fucking guy fieri 70 dollars oh boy yeah he's a real i think that's really the only time he's lost his shit in any of these we just really got him at a time that he really did not what's about popeyes he's got around here let's see
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
We just see the container.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What does this guy want prices to be?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't understand what he thinks everything should cost.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Who can afford these ridiculous fast food prices? Nobody can afford this. This is why they are going out of business.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know. I don't think so. There's very few around anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay. What is his advice? Because he's a business page. Is his advice like, look, start a business. Never charge a lot for anything. And then you'll be good. How does he advise people? Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I like that it answers to you like that. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Is it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's focused on expanding its franchise footprint, innovating its menu, investing in marketing and digital, and looking to captivate. Captive dining audiences in airports as a source of customers and also their prices are going to remain at $3 for full pizzas and entire meals. Following the I allegedly business footprint. You believe these fucking prices? This pizza was $11. Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Who the fuck can afford this shit?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Can you go back to his thing? Can you scroll to the top?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What is this? Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know, he's going to have more now. Some things haven't been proven yet. Is this like a Third Eagle of the Apocalypse type? I love his artwork. He's a serial entrepreneur, small business advisor, YouTuber.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The interesting thing is some of those spirits sort of sounded like Mexican kitchen workers that were in the room next door. I was like, wow, are the sound spirits named Jose and Maria?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
In my career, I've survived the crash of 2000, 2008, 2020, all through the ups and downs. I've learned not just to survive but thrive. In my experience, tough economic times always provides new opportunities. I'm what's known as a connected marketer. I help businesses raise money and get connected as strategic partners. What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You've got to fucking redesign this page, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's all about saving a buck, but sometimes you've got to spend a few to make it look like you didn't build this in fucking 1996.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's got 300,000 subscribers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay. I've been banned for life from Walmart. What the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Scanning? Okay. Are we still, if this is still the Ashley story, I'm going to absolutely die.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Open the door.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Don't steal or you'll get a ban from Walmart. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He said, oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's insane. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Good luck with your page, sir. It's very interesting that you're doing all that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yes. So as you know, or if you don't know, you go to a drive-thru. Hopefully it's a coffee place, like a Starbucks or something. You use either a British Cockney accent or an accent of your choosing. You say happy birthday. You say I love you. And you just see how it goes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's so... It's so stupid. It's so dumb to hand somebody a chip and be like, happy birthday. And they're like, okay. It's not, but yeah. Happy birthday. Thank you. Happy birthday, love.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And we were like, oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So good. Thanks, James.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
But then I would lose myself in it again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I felt like he either is British or has like British parents or something. I know. Because he had the little like kind of colloquialisms in there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
His accent is all over the place. He just dropped it completely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Is it your birthday? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The long ah was great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So you would also get real loud. Boom, boom, boom. Whoa. And then you'd hear it fade to the next person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I think I'll add.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, a long pause is great. See how long we could get those pauses? Yeah. Oh, my God. Those are great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Wow. That was fucking awesome. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. You'll like this for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, this is definitely not a cry for attention, wearing a fucking house as a hat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know your ultimate dream is to see me as Robert Smith. Of course. But then we also, one of your other, one of your favorites of all time, Peter Murphy. Of course. This side-by-side's pretty crazy. Let's see.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
His eyes look really good, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And is it that he has good eyelashes too? Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Is that eyeliner or is that eyelashes?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Maybe I should start doing eyeliner every day. Right? Isn't that like a cool idea?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sure, I'll try it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, I mean, it's been one of my dreams.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He looks really good, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
But somebody was kind of the leader in that department. Do you remember who that was? Is it me? That was you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I am. I'm thinking. I'm trying to figure out a way that we could do it. Okay. Ready for a vibe shift? I love Peter Murphy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Imagine you're about to board a flight and you're like, what the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I wouldn't call it support. It was probably the boldest thing. Yeah. that I don't even know if you were aware that you did it because it was so offensive, that somebody was outdoors reading a book by a fire pit, clearly in just the most relaxed, enjoyable state. This woman was... She was at peace. She was reading outside. The climate was cool, but it was nice. The fire, and she's reading a book.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know, I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What is it, Portola?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, you learned a life lesson.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
No, that's not the life lesson. You should be afraid of black chicks. No. No. No, you got to read a room and you got to know when to shut up. Yeah, that's the lesson.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I remember middle school in Milwaukee. And, you know, it was a similar experience. But I already knew.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The most violent fighting I ever saw was actually with white boys, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That I witnessed? Yeah. Like bludgeoning. Yeah, white boys get crazy. There was another guy who was just like commenting, I think. Not even like in a... I think this guy was talking about another guy's girlfriend and not in a grotesque way. It was just that he was talking about her and the boyfriend felt threatened by this. He was like, stop talking about my girl.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And just in the middle of the hall in front of everybody, Like punched him and then got on top and just started like wailing. Like when you see like a UFC fight and they're just like bow, bow. And you saw blood like shooting out of the guy's face. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
A lot. Not all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There's some crazy white guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There's a lot of trashy whites. Trashy whites. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, Asians fight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And you walked right next to her and farted in her face. You farted in her face. And your ass was at her face level. And you just were like, hope you're enjoying the book. I didn't say that. Like right in her face, basically. And she just went like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I never saw an Asian kid fight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
But I know that right now there's definitely people listening and watching being like, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I saw fucking Dat Nguyen fuck this kid up. Like they just are yelling at them. Dat Nguyen. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, a thousand percent.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, let's get some cool Asian stories. Asian fight bullying stories. It's a nice thing to just put into the universe. Hey, did you witness an Asian kid beat the shit out of somebody?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Wait, Tanner, you saw this fight? God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You know that this, by the way, always reminds me of when I saw this orthopedic surgeon after I broke my arm and my leg snapped playing ball. And he goes, and I was all fucked up. I was like, huh? And he goes, you're lucky. I go, lucky? He goes, well, you could have hit the back of your head, and then you'd be eating through a straw for the rest of your life. I was like, okay, cool. I'm lucky.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Because he's like, you could have landed on your head, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Nothing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Spirit, man. I'm telling you. You're like, no, service industry is cool. No, it's not. It's fucking dog shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
high birth i saw a clip of a guy by the way talking about he was a basketball player talking about you know when you played this position yeah he goes yeah you know as a there's when there's when you play i forget if it was like guard or 40 he's like you know there's a stigmatism associated with playing that position yeah and everybody was like right right right like nobody
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
As a small forward, there's always a stigmatism that we don't put the ball on the floor a lot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Did you notice her before you did that? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sorry, I'm freaking you the fuck out. Try to listen to the words and not look at me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Of course she knows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
oh shit oh that was cool imagine if that was your partner partner yeah you mean your gay partner there's people like this this is usually in women you see yeah i feel like i've seen bitches like this where you're like close your eyes do you close your eyes fucking isn't that crazy she can't go she either goes close or this there is no in between also there's like no way to resolve that you can't be like hey fix this
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She's got an issue. She's got a problem. Listen, as a middle-aged man, there's a stigmatism involved.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Vibrations are what she felt too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
i.e the male sex contempt for men i know a bunch of bitches like this i know i feel like that's being popular right now yeah yeah it's usually a bunch of busted ass hoes who can't find anyone to that's true welcome anyway it's never it's never a broke busted ugly ass yeah it's never hot chicks they're like i hate men it's like no dude that were thrown to the side because they look like dogs yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It merited an apology, just so you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Would you marry your son?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Absolutely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You should have been like, I'm so embarrassed. Excuse me. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I saw the clip. I don't know if we have it of somebody. She's like, well, I need to know what my options are. And he goes, how old are you? And she was like, 43. He goes, none. And she goes, I'm... He goes, none.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Next. He goes, she's like, I have three kids. He goes, none, none. Are you hearing me? None. Nothing. Nope. Nothing. She goes, I have no options. He's like, no. Okay, you're 43. You got three kids. Who the fuck would want you? Who the fuck wants you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, well, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You farted in her face. Yeah. Her whole week got ruined. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I love toilets. I love shitting in my toilet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You can just go out in the yard. And wave at the neighbors and take your shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Nothing's stopping you from doing this. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's true. Lack of readily accessible toilets, deeply ingrained cultural norms that accept the practice. It's fine. It's not a big deal. Poverty, inadequate sanitation infrastructure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I actually always think about like when you're thinking about this open defecation is the cleanup, the wiping. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Really? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All Muslim countries?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Go ahead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, that's considered very, yeah. So you got dookie on it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, no. Open defecation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Good for them. I think it's causing some issues. This is why she's giving a speech.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
still open defecate yeah they just haven't learned how to use a toilet oh that's a big thing in mainland china yeah so a lot of mainlanders that shit just anywhere will visit like beijing or macau or hong kong or you know shanghai and they're they're rural chinese and they go into the big city then they're like i gotta shit i'm just gonna drop my pants right here and shit on the floor of this mall and then they're like no no no no no no no no no no
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Thank you so much for being on my side here. I mean, you pushed it out. It wasn't like, oh, how did this happen? You pushed it out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Would you marry your dad?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
AI analysis?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, but why is AI analysis?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And they're like, that's not her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I did a little extra journey. I met a cool local named Sage. And they have the coolest names there. Echo, Sage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Who's Jean-Michel?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, I know that you're very... I would love to hear firsthand this account of how...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Brigitte Macron is really Jean-Michel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
A man. Who's fucking a boy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Why is she staking her career on this, though? Why is this so interesting to her?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Big whoop. Back up one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Women who falsely claimed Bridget Macron is transgender.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And I smoked DMT with him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Oh, you're saying that those are the same.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And like Candace says... But wait, but I'm saying, what's the way to... Don't believe your eyes. Why do people care? Oh, sorry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. And I got to say, visual journey.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Have you been talking to Sam Tripoli?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I agree. I agree.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All right. I want to hear the full story. Can we do some talks? These are talks. I'm the talk. We got to go, man. What are you doing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Hi. I'm Marta.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I was scared as shit. I was scared too. And he was like, no, dude, you're not. Because I was just thinking, I always compare like something like that, anything that's presented to me like mushrooms or like ayahuasca, anything I always think of edibles. And I'm like- man, you know how a strong edible will fucking like wreck you? So I was like, that's all I keep going.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What the, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Very cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Got it, yeah. This weird furry thing. I think Ikea was just like, here's an animal mask.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, yeah, you see what you want to see. That's why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Satanic. I think Brigitte is a woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Annie? She said the government. The government. Would you smash? She's got nice teeth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She's got nice teeth, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Come hang out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That was really cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He gave out a location where he'll be for three hours. If anyone wants to come hang out, then I'll autograph this. What the fuck? So cool. If anybody could let us know if you bought the gonorrhea boy shirt, I would love to know. All right. This was a lot of fun today. It was really fun. We got to get going though. We have a lot to do now. Lots of stuff to prepare. Busy. Okay. We love you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's my, for whatever reason, that's my reference point. I was like, I was like, oh man. Cause people talk about like breakthroughs and, and you know, these journeys. I'm like, is this going to be like a fucking 200 milligram edible? He kept saying no, but like also like, yeah, but, but prepare yourself. You know, I was like, All right. And I was worried about it. And I was like, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Just like the gays. All right, I'm ready. I feel good now. You got it. Just like the gays. Just like the gays.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And so we sat by this fire pit. There was no one farting and we just sat there. What's the point? I know. And then I guess DMT, pure DMT has a lower burning point.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That like the you don't need a high flame for it to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, I didn't think of crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I put it in a pipe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, so he was like, you ever smoke crack? And I was like, yeah. Who has it? And so what they do is they put the DMT in, they pack it around weed so that the weed kind of burns around it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Like white, yeah, like crack. Like crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I think I'd marry my dad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There it is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's just like cool crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I guess you can. I'd rather do that. But I think it burns easier if you have the – that's what it was told. I'm not the expert.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
For sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, I'm scared. This is my first time. So I've been offered the pens before. I haven't done it. But anyway, he was like, you know, he's like, get naked. And I was like, okay. And he's like, you know, I'll sit on your lap. This will make you relax.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And a massage, sexual massage. No, totally not sexual, actually. It's not sexual. You just rub each other's prostate, and you're like, all right, I'm ready, I'm ready. Is Will Blunderfeld there? No, no, no, not like that. So we kiss a little bit, and then he gives me the pipe. And...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, he goes, take three hits. Three hits? Yeah, he goes, after the second one, you're not going to want the third one, but you need the third one. That's what he said.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I was like, okay. So I pulled the first one. He was like, ooh, that's a good pull. And then I was like, gosh. Second one, he's like, and now the third. Do that third. Dang. I was like, okay. And I did the third, and...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
yeah you go like I felt like something was like holding you down in the seat like I couldn't really move sounds terrible you were you were in a chair yeah I was in a chair comfortable okay so you're like you go back in your chair like heroin kind of you're like and you feel heavy Yeah, kind of, yeah. Yeah, kind of heavy in the head and I couldn't open my eyes. Did that scare you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
No, because the visuals started to become like really cool. In your brain. Yeah. Like you're popping in your brain. Yeah, you're seeing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All kinds of shapes and colors and, you know, I saw a bunch of like, I saw this red caterpillar that had like fire going around it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Tell me the truth. I swear.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, a red one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Like fire red, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
yeah and things were like moving and then bones that were turning in circles and then i was like really enjoying it and then one time he was uh oh we did it a second time so then he was like i don't know if you really got the full thing let's do it again so we did it a second time and he put more in there and then on the second time i was really like whoa seeing all this shit and then he goes wait after i was over he's like what you see there i go why he goes you went like this
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Merry JEANS-mas! w/ Jeff Dye | YMH Ep. 790
3,000 action figures. We'll see you then.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
What's everybody? This weekend I'm going to be at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota. Friday, April 18th, and then Alliant Energy Center in Madison, Wisconsin. Saturday, April 19th, during my Come Together Tour. Get tickets now at TomSagura.com slash tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
She would just be like, yeah, put it back in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
To your mom's house. That was Ghetto Asian Girl Remix by CJQ Productions. Classic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He is, the look on his face in the one that we played is like, I just lost my parents. No, that's what it feels like. Like an orphan who's like, I don't know. I agree.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Go back to where you just had it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So this is how deep this is. On March 20th, my life took an... This just happened. An unexpected turn. A severe accidental internal injury led to a perforation in my sigmoid colon in emergency surgery. The result, a temporary colostomy bag and a long road to healing. The photo is of me, raw, healing human. Honestly, I've got no shame about the bag.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
If anything, I'm more embarrassed that they shaved me from the tits down. Nobody wanted me to wake up looking like a half gorilla.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I didn't even notice it until he... The people are checking in with them. This is a life-pivoting moment. It's kind of ironic that it's happening. We're learning of this the week after we went to the Iron Bear, which is a gay bar here in Austin. Because we had a huge Poroso takeover there where we were in the bar. It was bears on bears on bears. It was the two bears with all the other bears.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And let me tell you something. That was one of the most fun nights. It doesn't compare to the other bar takeovers we did. It was so festive. It was so fun. They were so welcoming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
We were told that we could get fucked by these guys. It was really flattering. Guys were like, yeah, you know, if you want to, I could do things to you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
All kinds. It was all kinds. It was all kinds. It was all kinds. And the best thing was that Bert, he was wearing the most absurd outfit, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
All-time hit, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Like he was wearing, like he was going to like a fuck club.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And yeah, he was wearing that, right? And he kept asking them, hey, who would you want between the two? And before he could finish the sentence, they'd go, him, Tom, like every time. And I was like, yeah, this is awesome. And he kept going, what the fuck? Why did I wear this? Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He looks like a guy that you would see at a club, though, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, the harness and the belly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So funny. It was great. It was actually really good. But he took those off, the shorts, and his ass cheeks were out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And he said guys were running their fingers through his crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah. They were touching his crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, no shame.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
How old are you today now? I am 46 years old. Dang.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Like the latex.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Okay. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, to join sex clubs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Didn't you say there was some piss in there too? Some piss play?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I would join if Leo was there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Leo, oh, him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So, yeah, I would love to join. I mean, you know, I would love to try the piss thing at a club. I think that'd be fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I want to pee on someone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, really? Don't care. I wouldn't want to drink it. I kind of like when I see a woman terrified. You know what I mean? Like really scared.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You can do that? Of course. Show me. No. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
No, be more like real. I like when it's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And then you have to say like, let me go. Like if you say something like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah. That's good. That's good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Thanks, Jean.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You know what was great? After I did MSG, I went out to a big dinner, and you went to bed. I don't go out to late dinners. At one point, Jimmy, who I work with, came down to my end of the table, and he was like, you know, congratulations, this is a big day. And I was like, yeah, thanks, man. He goes, hey, you know, I was looking, I was kind of doing a little trivia.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. It falls to the limb. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I mean, sex is cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Sometimes they do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I've spent so much time just toying with my asshole like a pig that I don't know what to do now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I'm a fist pig.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Speaking of the storyline of storylines of this year, Tony Johns, who we checked in with a little while ago, has been continuously... and continually getting kicked out of places. And a couple nights ago, he posted that Curly's, a bar in Auburn, New York, gave him the boot. He went right out and told this story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's pretty wild. And then is there follow up to this story? Is that what I'm hearing? Oh, yeah. Scroll up a little bit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He's been, well, I'm glad. It sounds like she, you know, kind of sorted herself out after 86ing a local celebrity.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And these photos are rad. And by the way, if you follow him online, you can get yourself a photo. This one came here to the office. It's an autograph by Tony Johns. He's in his Speedo. Mm-hmm. Or his little tidy underwear?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It's a great handle. I think Cougar got a personalized one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Can we find out what's going on with him? Yeah, let's give them a call. Okay. Teams are hungry and ready to battle it out for the final spot to compete for the championship. Has your team secured their spot yet? Don't miss a second of the hoops action with my partners at DraftKings Sportsbook.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
1984.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That must have been like ill communication. But then he goes, he goes, it was 84. He goes, so you're 52? And I go, what? And he goes, you're like 52? And I go, I'm 45. And he was like, oh. So yeah, you only would have been like four or five years old. I was like, right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hell yes. What's up, T? Yep, yep, yep. Oh, baby, come on. Hey, man. First of all. Oh, Joe, Tom. Yeah, dude, how you doing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So what's happened lately? What's going on?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So how do you still did you get in trouble for that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yes, sir. So how is what's what's the first of all for your housing? I assume you're you're in the process of being evicted, though, right? They're evicting you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
What's your what's your angle going to be in court? What are you going to say when the judge says, hey, you're being evicted? Are you paying your rent?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So what will you tell the judge, though, that you can't pay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
What are your plans if the judge orders you to leave the building? You have to go somewhere. Where are you going to go?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
What about just leaving Auburn for good? Ah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah. No, I'm not seven years older than you thought.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Now, we were just telling our audience that another way to show support a fan, you are selling these photos, right? You sell the photos?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So how do people get a photo? What's the process?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Okay. And another way you're raising funds is we're trying to promote your OnlyFans, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And you're doing a bunch of solo content right now?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, yes. you are just you're about to pop off you really are with the lexus oh yeah that's coming up and before we get to that though because there's something i want to ask you about that about the scene um what happened at curly's why'd you get 86 from there oh dude so like yo it's crazy so oh it's the craziest thing ever so i had a you know i had a few photos left uh yeah and i uh
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Since I was 15 years old.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Kind of all of it. I was basically this size at 15, 16. Yeah. And I was shaving my face.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It's crazy. Now, did she reach out later?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Well, so this is the sideburns come in, then the peach fuzz comes in. But by 16, 17, I would have, you know, 5 o'clock shadow. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I had facial hair. And when I was 16, 17, I would walk into a bar and they were like, go ahead and sit down. You're like, all right. That's so great. Yeah. Not always. Sometimes they would know. They're like, you're not fucking 21.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's pretty cool. That is pretty cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Don't get arrested. And also, everybody is thinking literally every day about your upcoming scene with Alexis Fox. And wondering, how do you feel about...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
this kind of law enforcement scenario, right, where you're being arrested, she's the arresting officer, she's taking you back to get fingerprinted and strip searched and everything, and then her boss, her sergeant, Officer Cumdump, walks in and he orders her to do a more thorough search.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
all right cool strip me strip me yeah yeah and you're cool if um uh this actor rpc um joins the scene right like oh yes oh i would love that yes awesome okay he's a legend yes sir oh yeah take my boot strip me strip me down it's gonna go viral i need to be fucked a lot oh wow yeah okay cool well we're gonna actually um check in with him and um see if we can tie all this together okay
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hey, stay out of trouble, Tony.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Absolutely. We'll talk to you soon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Okay, bye-bye.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's a great way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, you don't have to come.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, that's so cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Let's do a quick pee break. Oh, you got a whiz? I got a whiz.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Celebrate your mom. Get your mommy something. Get your mom something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
But man, that shit was fun. That is good. That's when it was cool. Now when people are like, what are you, 55? I'm like, no, not yet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
No. No, no, no. If this video is shown in a different context and you're just seeing her, you don't know right away. Like, she does present.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, but come on. But, like, you're seeing her right there. That doesn't scream. Yeah, it could be a check. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
But as soon as she talked, talking about what the fuck, this is a, that's why I so appreciated when Jim Norton was here and he was just like, well, I'm definitely like, you can't call me straight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Just however you want to react.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
The thing that somebody always says in this situation is, You don't have to answer to anybody, okay? Whatever you like is what you like. Okay, yeah. Yeah, because... You can just say you like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
But he does say the thing that I hear, I think Jim reiterated it. It's like he's not attracted to a male-presenting man. You know what I mean? He doesn't find a man attractive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He likes this situation, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, there's just a dick there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
exactly that's that's the thing is like if i described a woman to you any and i was like you know whatever she's slim she's got beautiful hair tits is the dick a deal breaker what yes it's a deal breaker i don't understand the question hold on what if i'm me tom i'm me yeah we have 20 years together and just one day i wake up and i've got a dick yeah I'll tell you the truth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
There's also there's a limit to how weird people get about that, though. Like if somebody are really like if you want to know someone like someone who goes like, I will not divulge my age. Like, what are we doing here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I'll tell you the truth. Okay. You get your own room. You get a room and you get to live there. And I want the kids to have you around.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, I don't want you to leave because, you know, we have kids.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I think with your dick we do. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I guess we start fisting. I'll start fisting you. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
What's wrong with you? Just make you prolapse. Perforate your colon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Some people it's not a problem for. You know, this- Desirous would be hairy and just- Hairy and gross.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Unkempt. Because we love these videos when somebody goes like, hey, cutie. Oh, I love these. Yeah. And then this one, you could tell it was just like- He started.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He was just trying it on someone. But you could tell this took a turn that the guy doing the kind of prank didn't expect. Hey, cutie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It's the first time. I've never seen it turn like that. Never. Usually the guys are like, what? Who? What? They laugh or something. This guy just went right to, what do you got down there?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
No, that's why he approached him. Not at all. He's approaching people that he thinks are going to be like, what'd you say?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Right. So it's another guy telling dad, you're such a cutie. And they're like, what the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Which that guy had total dad vibes. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And some people have that hidden. There are people where they go. Oh, really? Sure, you can look people up. They go, no known birthday. That's insane. So dumb. Insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He turned his cart. He's like, whoa, I don't have any money, but if you're, why do you want to do this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And then this guy's got to be like, I'm just fucking with you, which is terrible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Well, it's terrible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It is. He got that guy all, that guy has such a dopamine drip going right now for somebody telling him like, hey, this could, you know what I mean? It's like, he's so excited. And then we don't see the rest of this of how the guy who's recording goes like, hey man, I'm just fucking around. I'm just making a funny, I just did it for shits and giggles.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, broke his heart, man. Broke his heart. He just broke that old man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
His old gay heart just broke in half. It's not cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Here's the truth. I think I get used to it, but I'd be really fucking annoyed by it. And I would tell you, I'd be like, you can't do it. It's fucking, it's like Bert putting something on Instagram. I'd be like, could you fucking just not for today?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah. Just, can you just. Just live your life. Can you wear clothes today, please?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
This is what I do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It'd be a lot more time alone. A lot more time alone. Yeah. I'd be like, I know what's happening this week. Call me next week. I don't want to be around for your free bleed and I don't want you to be nude when my family comes over.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I think they would.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hello, guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It's my house. I like to sit like this. You see my dick just tuck into my ball bag. There's no sexual arousal. It's just all flaccid, soft.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It has nothing to do with like sex. No. I live free and this is the way we were put on this earth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I was noticing how whenever I'm with Bert, there's always someone who's like, hey, can I take my shirt off? And Bert's always like, yeah. And so whenever someone takes their shirt off, you see like abrasions and like scars and stuff. And I'm always like, put your fucking shirt back on, man. You don't realize how much the shirt saves that for, you know what I mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I was talking about bad skin and like ingrown hairs and stuff. I'm like, dude, fucking put your shirt back on. This is disgusting. Um,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
No, I don't like it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I guess I would stay with you, but I would have a new problem with you. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Why?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, mom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Honestly, this bothers me more than the nudists. Environmentalists.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And I go home and there's no toilet paper and you're like, well, it's just such a waste. We use the family towel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
A mom is old. it's not that's fucked up my aunt who's been on this show blanca she had this thing this whenever it was you know you'd always when you're kids and it's one of the adults birthdays there's always a little celebration cake so i'd be like how old are you because it's normal to be seven and ask how old are you yeah she would always go i'm 21 and one burning
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
We do that thing where we're just neighbors. You're just going to move next door and do all your bullshit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
They're both pretty crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Okay, thanks. Here, I'm really excited. I have one more. I want to move on. I'm really excited. This is one of the segments we played last week, but he wasn't even here for it. This is the segment I like to call Ennie's Inner Thoughts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So here we go with one of Ennie's Inner Thoughts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's awesome, dude. I've been watching this guy for a couple months now. He's so cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hell yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Shit, what? Shit liker for real on God. On underscore God. He likes to say on God a lot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Okay. Yeah, he definitely, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
and i go what what and i always thought she was saying 21 and one bernie yeah like the name bernie and i was like this is the dumbest thing i've ever heard and the thing she was actually saying was 21 and one burning i still don't understand i guess that's i think it's an old expression right can you look that up 21 and one 21 and one burning like meaning another candle's burning that's that's stupid that's not what that doesn't even make sense yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
tell me i'm lying tell me i'm capping you smelled your girl take a big shit before have you smelled me take a shit not really smelled it not really here he is how is he smelling the big shit shit talker for real underscore on god yeah that's a great handle yeah he puts out content a lot good for him he's very good though i like his thoughts yeah here's another one of any's inner thoughts right here
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Okay. Okay. So there's, I mean, there's a little bit of balance here in any.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He's got some other good ones, too. Yeah, this is my dad, too. He's got some good ones.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Doesn't care. Doesn't care. I guess I have this effect on women.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, they're definitely going to play the game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
They love this shit. The nice thing is this guy has an endless well of these. And we will be playing them every week. Now, I know you've been missing it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
How about some TikToks?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Finally, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Burning, oh, ow, it refers to the concept of burning a card in the casino in the context of blackjack. A burning card involves discarding a card from the deck to prevent cheating. It can also help identify the cards left in the deck. I still don't understand. How do you say that? Why do you say that for your age? The statement refers to an age requirements of Burning Man? You know what it is?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
The music is unbelievable. It's the best. This is my favorite thing. This is like an Olympian. There you go. I worked harder and I got up at four in the morning and I trained.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You know what she reminds me a lot of?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
My cousin, Jeanette.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Jeanette burps like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I don't know if this is going to have the same effect.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
She looks great. I don't know if this is going to promote sales the way you think it will.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
She's very pretty too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I mean, not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Way to go, Kimberly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, Jesus.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Because it's their dead dog. I don't like it. So what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, she heard it wrong?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
My eyes are watering.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Here's the interesting thing, though. Isn't it interesting how the nail in and of itself on his finger, as it's attached to him, you just go, whatever. The idea of the removing it and collecting it started to make me feel nauseous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, but the jar makes me want to throw the fuck up fingernails ever. He didn't say why, though. What's the why?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, I got it. So it's just a never-ending collection.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's disgusting. I don't want that. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That guy looks like Bert.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
This is seriously Bert's next video, Lane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He's always sharing everything. You know what he did at dinner?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
We're at a steakhouse, and he's like, I'm keto, but I just got off keto. I'm like, you're keto? And they put a big thing of bread out of the oven, warm bread and butter. He's like, I guess I'm going to fuck off keto tonight. I'm like, uh-huh. And he cuts a big piece of butter, puts the butter in his mouth, and then takes the bread.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's also a bird thing. Holy shit. It's just you eating toast? That's the video?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
But who doesn't like bread with butter? No, it's good. Toast and butter is like the best thing in the world. I think you could just make a video saying, I love toast with bread with butter. I don't think you need to do this. And listen to your incurable fucking lung disease. God. Oh, shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He's fucking badass.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
The actual explanations are nothing like she would use it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hell yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
This is something Ellis could do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hey, I need this video. Can you send me this video? Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
No, I'm just going to share it with some people. What people? Just people, man. Friends, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, because they're the styrofoam ones.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I love, by the way, that every day now when I get home, our nine-year-old boy takes his shirt off and he goes, look at me, dude. He goes, look at my traps. He goes, look at my biceps.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
They're saying 21 and one burning in the context of age refers to a medical rule. The rule of nines to estimate the percentage of total body surface burned. It's for skin burns.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And I go, yeah, you look good. He goes, I'm going to be so fucking jacked in high school.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
She was deeply traumatized by a haircut appointment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I don't know. I don't know. I mean, maybe there's like some social anxiety or something going on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Well, the haircut's terrible. Whoever did the haircut should get a bad review. But I was more interested in the fact that she was just traumatized by the haircut appointment. But maybe she's just deeply troubled and mentally ill.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I mean, maybe that's what we're dealing with.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Most people don't sit down in a chair for a haircut and go, hold on a fucking second. She's got some shit going on. No, she's fine. I almost think you should actually shame the person making the videos for like, hey man, maybe you don't put this one out. This lady's got some real fucking issues. Getting a haircut? Such a wild ride on your talks today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I got it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, she thought it sounded clever, right? And like cute.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
What am I waiting for?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, okay. They just told me that they get gender affirming haircut. So they get a little emotional. Context is important.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You're not going to trap me in this game. What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
What the fuck is the video for?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
It's over. That video's over.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And also, by the way, was one of these people who as a child would not tell me her age.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh, get the fuck out of here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
No, I was waiting for something to happen. You're like, this is fucking Ed and Freddy and Chiquita.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
She was like, why is he wearing a mask? And I was like, that's not a mask. She's like, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He was whispering it. I don't know. He said something about the underwear, but I didn't hear what he was saying. You want to hear it again? He does all these.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Something with amigos. Hello, amigos.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And I'm like, no, but how old are you for real? I go, how are you? I want to know how old you are. I'm like, I'm seven years old. I don't even have context for aging. I don't care. I just want to know how old you are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
My woman left me? Or she left this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
But that's kind of cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I'm bro. I'm God. I'm twin. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
How do you know I don't do that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hell yeah, dude. Oh, shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That looks like a high-level martial arts guy. Of course it is. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's cool. Really, really interesting look. He's shaped like a pear.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah, yeah. That's cool. About 320 pounds. Just kind of like a tappy tappy. Well, you can't do shit, sir. Just to be clear, you're incapable of defending anybody from anything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Nope. I want to wrap this shit up, and thank you guys for watching. This is my birthday. I'm going to go celebrate now. I'm going to go to a latex sex club and piss on people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You eat so much. Charlie Sterron's meeting me there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I got to go. Don't forget, if your butthole doesn't work, you got to find something else to do in your life. Happy birthday. Thank you, Tom. Thank you. Thank you, Tom. See you guys later. Bye-bye. Bye. Please tell the audience so I can have record that you're impressed with my water consumption.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You're the water champ. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you. Pound the water. Pound the water. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. That's what I'm talking about. That's current water champion.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Tom gets it. Running away. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. Pound the water. Pound the water. Pound the water. Water champ. You're drinking that much water as it drinks water in peace.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You don't understand.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ Out in the water, out in the water Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ Out in the water, out in the water Is this technically water too? Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ Let's go water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
When you're seven and somebody goes, I'm 24, you're like, you're about to die.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Hopefully, my mother, who's 21 and 1 burning, will come over. And my sister.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You don't love her socks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Dad's like socks and ties.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Happy birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's a good job acting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's not true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Well, that's probably more true. But still. You like to give. I do like when you give me gifts. I do like it. I do. I'll tell you what gift I would love.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Well, no, this is a perfect introduction to it. Let's watch the opening clip and get on with the show. Happy birthday to you, Tommy. Here we go. Here you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Mom Segura. Oh, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
46.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You're 46, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I think he prolapsed or something. It's difficult. There's a part two. Here you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That is, by the way, such a dedication to playing with your asshole. that he doesn't even know how to describe life without toying with his asshole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
He's having a real life crisis right now. He's like, what the fuck? I don't have hobbies. I play with my asshole. I put toys in it. I'm on cam. People fuck it and fist it. And now what am I supposed to do? Read?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Although I got to say this. But fucking his own ass. Sir, I appreciate the vulnerability. Sure. The honesty. Yes. You know, not a lot of people would share this, but you're just like, what the fuck? You know what he reminds me of? Like a guy who's retiring from 15 years in the NBA. Sure. Who's like, I've been playing basketball every fucking day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
And now I get up and there's no practice. You know what I mean? There's no there's no shoot around. There's no stretching treatment. Like, what am I supposed to do?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
You got to figure out something to do. I'm retired. His asshole was his life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Now, one thing I don't have context of is is what you ask is what exactly happened. I mean, I'm I'm making the assumption that his asshole took him out of the game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
So his asshole's just out of commission now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's fucking wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Oh yeah. There's, there's probably a lot of people that are like, Oh, thank God you're doing this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Sleeping temperature.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
I mean, what's this other one say? This top right one. That's a different one. Can you hit that to see what he's talking about here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
This is a support group for other guys who have also destroyed their assholes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Trying to push it. He's like, now I got to think about it. I'm small. I push the envelope. And then now you push too hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806
That's the other thing. And this is not about the Lord striking us all dead for playing with our assholes, but it is designed for it. Yes, stretching. Yeah, it's for that. I saw a video one time when I was doing research of a woman who was- Yeah, I was doing research for a school thing. Sure. And she was doing anal sex and her entire inside would come out and she would just put it back in. Nope.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
What's up, everybody? It's me, Tom Segura. I will be in San Francisco January 24th at the Chase Center. January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia. January 31st, Savannah, Georgia. February 1st, North Charleston, South Carolina. And February 27th, Evansville, Indiana. All the dates and info are at TomSegura.com slash tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Ryan accepted. And what happened there?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Oh, it was like a bet. Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
All right, I'm a little confused.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And then we came in and he was like, I don't want to do that anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
We got to get you to go on this retreat, man. Please go on the retreat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It's very exciting. There's a lot of stuff happening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Just take one for the team and go. Take one for the team.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Just do it. Can we say you'll do it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Come on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Don't you like being part of the team? I love being part of the team. Well, then come on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, this is how you're one of the leaders on the team. Yeah. What? You're a leader. I'm a leader. Yes. Mm-hmm. All right, that's a yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Okay, we'll revisit. But basically, he's pretty much going.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Okay, so I'm excited for you. I'm excited, too. Here's the thing. I already have your prize for you for going.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It seems like you already went to Will's fucking retreat. You were talking like a grown man. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah. It says here that she's married and has two kids.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That was spooky.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
The lash extensions that look like that. Eyebrows are still a pretty good indicator, but yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
By the way, and this has been something I've been hearing a long time because Eni brought up the basketball game. Ryan has been wanting to rematch Eni for a while. This is ridiculous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, that's the thing. He's lost a lot of weight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I'm already signing you up, dude. No. Yes. No. Yes. This is not going to. This has to happen. Thomas.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
We're getting there. We're getting there. I am sending a message to him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Come on. What happened? Have the people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You want to be a real fucking man like this guy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It didn't come out. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He grips it, and you can hear it clank against his teeth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He needs Falcon Car Wash. He needs a little bit of Pepsi in a cup with some dog food on a knife.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's how you do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Here's a guy who looks pretty cool. This is, I think, maybe a holiday video.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That guy's face is wrecked.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That fall. Yep. From the choke to the floor, landing on your face.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He totally did. Everything was to himself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It wasn't even fast. They were like, get the fuck out of here. Now they're like, God damn it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He just died on our bar. He's just unconscious now on our floor. God damn it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I don't want anything to do with it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
All the time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Very, very sad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Don't forget. I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'm not afraid of that. Don't forget that the lipstick is gender neutral. So this is not just for the ladies in your life. This is for any human.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
We've had some, if you don't know, some other stuff in the past just to give you a refresher. Oh, she's so great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Very cool. Very cool. All right. Before we get into all the fun stuff, let's do an opening clip. What do you say there, pal? You ready?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Got it. So that's why she was like, I don't know how to say.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
She's crazy. She's from Boston. Her name is Hilaria Lynn Hayward Thomas. Hilarious. From Boston. Hillary, not Hilaria. Sorry, Hillary.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
From Boston. She is of English, French, Canadian, German, Irish, and Slovak descent. She says she was raised in a Spanish-speaking household and traveled to Spain annually. Okay. She also said she began to use the name Ilaria as she got older. So, anyway.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You don't know what it is yet. You don't know what it is yet. But this one's cool. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Please.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Here's the newest one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
My husband hates onions.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
How you say? She's like how my mom talks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's how my mom talks. Yes. Who learned English at 31. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It is so fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah. Well, you feel like you're listening to a kid.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You want to listen to an authority. You want the authority to have a deeper register.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, yeah, just like, just talk like you mean business, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
first fucking things first as the prime minister what are your taxes we are going to the uk oh no i can't fucking wait mate i have a tour um some of it is outside of the uk but it's still in the region i'll be going to dublin glasgow uh london london manchester manchester birmingham cardiff and am i forgetting one i don't
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Is it Birmingham?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It's all down in March.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Belfast. Oh, Belfast. I forgot Belfast. Glasgow. Oh, Nottingham.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yep. It's all very exciting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It'll be fun. Oi. Oi. What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Oh, nay. Nay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Nay. I know. Do you know that that was a thing last night at Bottom of the Barrel?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
One of the things was like, how Australians say no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And then there was an Australian guy in the audience that we made him speak.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He was like, no. Everyone was like, you're not fucking doing it right. He was like, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He was like, water. And we were like, I get it. We would kind of come up with things for him to say that we would be lost on. It was very fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Hello.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Oh, this is some serious news.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
This is serious, if you don't mind.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Please. Could you get serious for a second? I'm sorry. Not everything's a fucking joke. So, in one of the great crimes of modern times, this has yet again happened.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He's not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
So fucking crazy that this keeps happening. I'll tell you why it keeps happening. It's because you look like a guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah. So if you want people to fucking start calling you ma'am, start looking like one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You're not putting in enough effort, fuck face.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You gotta fucking try harder. There's a reason that everyone keeps doing this to you. It's because your level of effort sucks. Step it up. You have a masculine fucking face.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He's ruining the clip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Go get some surgery, wear a prettier dress, get better hair, and start talking in a higher voice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I thought that was a voice adapter changer. I wish. Just a microphone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
They know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah. Don't do this. Sweet fucking El Salvadorian person pouring water.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It's just like a nice little immigrant guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
This person is mentally ill. Yeah. This is a complete lunatic. Yeah, of course. Like, after seeing a series of these videos, you're like, okay. Well, I think, too. This is all a charade.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And he's waiting to go in with his fucking... Dog collar. Yeah, well, his dog collar and his dock worker face and going like, hey. How come no one's like, excuse me, miss, because no one sees it because and then you're just going to be like, I'm going to keep going into places. It's like the definition of insanity.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And it just goes all the way back to your level of effort. You're just not trying hard enough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
See my wild side.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But including a cock, which also belongs to men. Watch me jack off with my feminine dick.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, this is all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You know, this makes me mad. You're not the only one that's going to have a hot OnlyFans. Charo is getting closer to getting going, and the fans are still ready and asking for it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I like it. He's got music playing. It looks like he's cooking or something or painting. He's got an apron on. Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Thank you very much for that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That was great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
There's excitement around this. Yep. And I think we're going to get her in here soon. We're going to show her these, and I hopefully think we can get a page going pretty soon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, I got a cool phone call.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
She was like, I'm on my way to do this thing. And I go, okay. I'm driving. She's like, how do I pay for this? Oh, my God. Which is basically like, how are you going to pay for this? And I was like, I don't know. I'll reimburse you. And she's like, yeah, I think I have a checkbook. I go, you're going to bring a checkbook?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
God, you really are old as shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yesterday it was, can I have a bag?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You have so many bags.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
So this is like luggage, right? And I do have a lot of luggage. Yeah. Years of so much travel. So I was like, okay, give me this backpack. I'm like, no, I just bought this backpack. Well, give it to me. I'm like, no. And so then she goes, don't you have something? Something I can have? So I fucking emptied a bag and I go, here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And I gave her a bag and I go, I don't think you're going to want to take this. Why? I go, because it's empty right now. When it's full, it's a duffel. You're not going to want to throw it over your shoulder, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, it's fine. And then in the car, I'm like, I really think you're not going to like that unless it's full of your stuff. You are right. I go, yeah. She goes, so you have another bag? I go, yeah, I have a roller bag. I'll give you a roller bag because you're not going to want to lug one over your shoulder. No, you are right. When can I have the roller?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I'm like, the fucking next time you come over. Unbelievable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
She should pair up with the fucking misgendered person. I know. I feel like they would be a good match.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Thank you, Charles. That's very true. Thank you for the reminder. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back. You know our guest perhaps from HLN, maybe CNN, and she's also the author of Down the Hill, My Descent into the Double Murder in Delphi. It's Susan Hendricks, everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Thank you for coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
We're very excited. Me in particular.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I mean, you know that most of our television consumption is basically her just literally every night when I get into bed, she goes, are you going to watch a murder? And she's like, I'm going to go to bed as you watch a murder. No, no, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And then she drifts off as I dive into a new story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Thank you for doing this because one of the reasons is that she also is like, you know, you're a sick person. Like she'll say this to me, right? She's like, you're sick. Something's wrong with you. Why are you watching this? Before sleep. What are you filling your head with? And then I also would be like, hey, you realize this is the number one show trending right now?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Like she thinks, I'm like, you think they produce this for me? Like there's a lot of people watching this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Lover Stalker Killer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yes. He doesn't throw up. I fucking hate you so much. You fucking ruined it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, that's part of the fascination, right? Is that, first of all, I think you just... these are behaviors that all extreme violence is accessible to everyone. In other words, everyone has thought, God, I want to kill this person. I'm so mad. I want to hit this person, but you always, you stop yourself, right? Like you want to, you're, you're so angry. And so the fact that somebody, uh,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I love it. You ruined it. He doesn't throw up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
is capable of doing that, I think is part of the fascination, that somebody crosses the line, right? And then there's the story aspects to this, because they're fascinating, like how did the person go about doing this horrible thing? And then to get away with it, and then how did we piece together the investigation to catch the person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
So that whole arc, I think, is why these stories never get old. It's just always, you're like, how did this happen? How can somebody do this? And then how do you catch them?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
What's wrong with his mouth?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He is? How?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, he started with break-ins. So what he would do is just break into homes, ransack them. He was like, robberies, you know? And then it escalated to assaults and then to murders. And he did it, I mean, his numbers were actually off the charts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It was off the charts with how many people, the murders are obviously the highlight, but if you know how many people he actually broke into homes and assaulted even before that, it was like triple digits. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
The whole time? It doesn't pop out?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
What do you think? He doesn't throw up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Who would? Sorry. No, the story was just, it was unbelievable. I mean, the HBO series, they had a series on it about...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's right. That's a Pat. Yes. Um, and she was obsessed with the case and died during. Yeah. And, and it was, yeah, it's, it is one of the most incredible stories.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Excuse me. No more murders. Well, that's what I was going to ask you, too, Susan. This guy also, just by the way, was married, kids, grandkids. Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I think it's his lip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I thought you said it doesn't bother you anymore. You know what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Did you find that, I mean, obviously this title is very telling, my descent into this, that you became obsessed with this then? Oh, I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But why did you take it out? You said it doesn't bother you anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And you just move on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It happens. Wait, now why do you think, because you have, I'm sure, a very clear perspective on this. Why do you think these stories and this genre in particular appeals to women so much?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You literally were like, it doesn't bother me anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
They always get caught.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, your reaction is stupid. You're stupid.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That whole cover up and maybe, you know, you can't help but think about the JonBenet case because it's, you know, the other thing is, as I mentioned this in some of the other episodes, like even the Menendez story is that, you know, you're alive during it, but you kind of, you're like, oh yeah, the guys that killed their parents.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And then you watch the documentary again and you're like, oh shit, I don't remember any of this or I didn't know any of this. And the Jean Benet documentary was a real, really informative and also a big time refresher because I was like, you know, I remember the story. But you're young and you're like, I don't know. And you're like,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I remember that when it started, I was like, oh, yeah, so who ended up being arrested for that again? And I was like, oh, right, they never really got anybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It's hilarious. Why would you open on that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
So what do you think of the note? There's so many odd things. The placement. Well, first of all, her being in the home. You know, the access to that home through that window. The note is beyond peculiar. But also... Seeing, okay, take the father aside, seeing how I believed how distraught this mother was. Me too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And it just didn't register to me that she was just being like, I got you to him on this. I know. It's very peculiar.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, what? I don't get to laugh? I'm not allowed to laugh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Fine. Something better than this. But you're ruining the vibe, just so you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, there's people, a lot of people are doing what she said, which is, you know, when they go, all right, we'll submit for this. And they go, sure, I'll give you my DNA. And then the DNA is a match, you know, that there is DNA, some DNA in this case as well, that isn't a match for the father.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, the vibe was great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Everyone was having a good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Everybody was having a good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Really? Ask them. Ask them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
God, stop talking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You're ruining everything. You're ruining everything. No, you are. You are, and you always do. Stop.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's what the men were saying. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
One of the most telling things was that in the documentary that came out recently about them, that the prosecutor, and prosecutors are always like, fucking lock this piece of shit up. She's a spitfire. She's a real spitfire. And she goes, the day, that's the woman right there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
She goes, the day that that guy died, the father, she goes, the world became a better place. Ah. So for the prosecutor to say that, you know, she was like this guy. She goes, I couldn't find one character witness for the father. Not one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Your big flaw is that you ruin everything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
None.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He must have been just a real fucking horrible guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Like, we were all having fun, and then you ruined it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, he just, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Not one. She goes, that's the reason. She goes, we couldn't even have a character witness brought to the trial because we couldn't find one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It's all the questions. You have unanswered questions, of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But that's like the, you know, this is like the, it's the reason why Hitchcock became a phenomenon. It's like you go, this thing happened, and then you want to piece it together. Everyone wants to piece things together. You want an explanation. You want the answer at the end. And every time a crime occurs, it's a new question, right? And you go like, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You just said it doesn't bother you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And you guys all end up competing too because Netflix puts out the doc and then all of a sudden there's a Dateline special and then there's a CNN. Like everybody has to do their story on it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And you said it last week. You're like, doesn't bother me anymore. You said this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And so is the rest of society, but gays in particular. I think me too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Handsome young man. Smart. Smart. Young, young. He's very young. The gays really are going crazy. If you go on Twitter, it's like gay Twitter. Also, there's a lot of debate over whether that penis pic is real.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Really? Debate now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, people were saying whether or not it's a Photoshop. Oh, where? What a bummer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yes, the perp walk was kind of crazy. There's a lot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, that's not the one, but that is one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's not the one. That's a good one. But that's an example of... I think he's closer to my son's age than my age.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
What is the draw?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It really did. Like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Which actually kind of defines how terrorism works, right? Because a terrorist attack isn't about the act of violence. It's usually done to point your eyes towards a cause, right? And then that's when... that's when they consider it a success. It's like if you do the horrific act of violence and they go, why did this happen? We did it because of this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And then if you're discussing this and you're changing the way you view something, that's like a successful terrorist attack. This was killing one person, but it's... Oh, there it is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's not it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's it. That's the one that people are... You're saying that's a fake. People are saying that might be a fake. Susan, please look. This is very important. Do you think that's his real piece?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I mean, isn't that crazy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Now you can see why gay Twitter is going nuts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Check it out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I'm stuttering. Look at it like you're a pediatrician. Do you think...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You think it's real?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I think he was this normal, obviously very bright guy. He's valedictorian, U-10, and really sharp guy. That's when it turns on. But he started to retreat from his normal connections. Nobody was in touch with him. That's not normal behavior, especially for somebody in their early 20s.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Started to post and write things that were not of the norm, like his going on, I think, some Reddit rants and maybe on Twitter about his... You know, his feelings about healthcare industry. And so you have these kind of behaviors that indicate something is changing, right? Then the actual act of pulling off this assassination. And now you have...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
You know, they had the very short manifesto written that he was like, this was my work alone and didn't want to, I didn't include anybody else on this. But now pleading not guilty to it, which is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I don't see how you can get off on this. I really don't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Oh, that a jury might let them off. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Kind of. For a certain portion of the population, he is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I don't know. Well, Luigi might be like... I mean, it's reasonable to believe that he might have a new agenda or see somebody else that is reasonable to go after. Not that I think he's a career killer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, the fact that he had this surgery that, you know, to have spinal surgery.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, yeah, but I think he's... He did though, right? He was injured. You can find him talking about him going through this pain. I wonder if that pain shifted something. Oh, I think that pain can shift something in you for sure. And pills and whatever else he was taking can mess with your mind. And you can kind of fall into schizophrenia at an early age because of that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But he was in real pain, I think, with his back problems.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Taking a shit, a gnarly shit while he talks about it. I guess everyone's saying just be gay, but is he not just being gay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, I've thought about this, that if he were not a good-looking guy, there would still be people who would be like, yeah, I get why you did this, and supporting the fact that healthcare... I think Chris Rock said that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It's interesting, too, that the grandmother had a $30 million fortune that she left to her children and grandchildren, of which he is one. And in the will, it notes if anybody's convicted of a felony, that you don't get a piece of this. But I'm like, that's such an interesting thing to think you have to put in there. You know what I mean? Who does that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, like who goes, well, no felonies, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But he is doing gay shit constantly. He's saying he's not gay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
because in New York is a more likely conviction, and the sentencing guidelines for that, they felt like they could for sure do that. And then there was the shift to make it first-degree terrorism, which is a much... But there's a much higher burden of proof for that. So there's a lower threshold to convict on second degree. But I think with the fact that, well, the video...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Obviously, they confiscated the backpack. They had the gun there. That's interesting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He's like, why is everybody talking about Luigi, man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, that's how that photo got circulated.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
The photo was circulated because like, it's not for this photo. We don't have a face. So if you don't have a face, how would people know who to look for?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I mean, that was Caligula. That's the big question. He was just like unchecked resources and power that just kept growing and growing. And then for him, it feels like it was just like to get that dopamine drip, you just had to keep raising the bar until it got into this really sick, dark world. I mean, who knows what would have been next for him otherwise. If you follow the story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Fine. Any. Would you come on a retreat with Will? Oh, no. I would not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But usually when it's like serial killers, people that have patterns of repeated violence, you almost always. always, always find neglect and abuse, almost 100% of the time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
The girl was?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
What's everybody?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I'm psycho. I got to ask you this, though, because you said you interviewed BTK's daughter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Where you listen and you are participating to the level that you are comfortable with. No, no, I'm saying just like learning, listening, growing, participating, not doing gay shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That story is obviously one of the most famous, horrific stories. But when you realized that this guy had the family, what was she like? What did you gather from her?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Somebody else saying that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And it is time to get going. This is a huge episode. It's great to be doing this show for a year number 15, I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And you don't have to do anything like nude unless you want to. Want to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No. What state? I've got to go throw up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Colorado. Grand Junction, Colorado.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
She's such a bummer about this shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He was 19 when he murdered a 69-year-old guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I think there's also something about just how many, you know, when you say like, it'd be great if everybody could get the same coverage. Yeah. Just how many horrific crimes occur, particularly in this country like this, violent crimes. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I know it sounds callous. Part of it, though, is the fact that when you show a blonde 20-year-old who's gone missing or whatever, people's attention also just sparks for that. It's not just the fact that you showed her. It's that people go, oh, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Okay, wear boxers. Hold on. You wear boxers. I wear like 12 boxers. Okay, you wear multiple boxers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Did you watch that doc?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I forgot so much about that case.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
skincare meaning he looks good i'm like you know he kind of sleeps like a baby yeah yeah the sister being like still that sister-in-law oh i'm sorry she's in love with she's in love with us but the um crazy that one of the things that stands out so much is his behavior in the initial interrogation like the christmas guys who do this who don't cry they have this raspy voice they're like we're looking for lizzie
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He was like, he's like, yeah, I got back. I went fishing and then I saw the dog was out. And then, I don't know. Yeah, I hope we find her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And you just let the guru kind of guide you. This is crazy. Come on, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
They're like, are you hungry?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But I mean, he did the worst performance. As far as putting on a performance, he was just like, yeah. And the dog was out. So I knew something was wrong. So yeah, she's just, I don't know where she is. But I hope you find her. It's like, this is your pregnant wife on Christmas Eve. And you're like, yeah, I hope you find her. I don't know what to tell you, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
She was really nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And she knows at that point what's going on, so she has to be like, oh, cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I remember one time, I'll never forget this. You're called safe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I was a foreign exchange student. I was in Madrid. And the bus that would go to my stop, it was taking it in the evening. And I got up from the back of the bus, and a woman in the front of the bus was getting off. And she turned around and saw me. And when I got off with her, she ran. Like, she ran. Of course. And like screaming ran. So I chased her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, I thought that you would not want to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I did because I was like, this is so fun to see somebody this scared. It was fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Who's the bigger psycho?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I think so, but that show caught a lot of people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
America's Most Wanted caught so many people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
But I do think there's a path to growth, you know? Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
John Walsh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That when Fox went to cancel the show after it had been on for years, there was a backlash that was so big that they brought it back. Good. Because they were showing, they were like, look, this show's already caught like 800 people. Yeah. Wow. It was public service. It was like public service.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I mean, there would be a fee involved, obviously. There would be a fee? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I mean, we can, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Everybody needs to know. Well, it's not going to, come on, we can't talk, it's not, this is not lottery stuff. I mean, it would be a fee.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
The eyes are really a window.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He wants Jake Gyllenhaal to play him. Is that what he said?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Like, you can't just throw out some crazy fucking number to go to a retreat. Yeah, I'm going to do it like your mom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
He was trying to steal a car.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
There's a great doc about that, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, Zodiac was... Well... The theory is that the one guy who they presumed was him and that it was him because there's no other – there's nobody else that fits the profile like he did. He died, that guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Oh, you're talking about – I remember this. I know this one too. Son of Sam you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the new one. This is the Long Island guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
This guy's a fucking architect.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That's quite a mug he's got on him, though, too. That is a face, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
49K. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Did you see that one? No. That one is really good. You got to see it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I would put the end of the fire one above that. That one is incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's incredible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
End of the fire?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
So this woman had given up her... This woman right here had given up her daughter for adoption. And she decides... as an older woman now, to look up her adult daughter who she gave her. Well, she finds that the daughter she gave up for adoption had gone missing years prior. And that's the catalyst for this whole thing. And
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I know. You're going to learn so much, you're going to come back a more masculine man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And she ends up really being, like we were discussing earlier, she ends up being the driving force for getting answers to like, what do you mean my daughter just went missing? And I don't want to give it away because it's such a good story. Is it? Is it? It's such a good story. I mean, it really is. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, but she was hearing stuff. I heard enough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And I hear murder in my sleep. She'll just hear. She'll be like, and then assaulted and put a cigarette out on her eyes. And she's like, thank you. I'm trying to sleep now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, I know. I don't want to watch any kids' stories.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
No, this is different.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Are you serial? We started in 2010. Goddamn. It was later in 2010, but still. It'll be 15 at some point this year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
They say you broke the chairs in the conference room.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Well, for people who want to do a deep dive because you did, uh, get down the hill, the descent in my descent into the double murder in Delphi, which, uh, I'm excited to read. Um, I am.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I can read it to the kids.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, maybe skip a few meals, man. Like, how much are you weighing now?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Susan, thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much. Thank you guys for having me. It was so fun chatting with you. Hopefully you can come back and we can do another dive into crime. Would love to. And horrible things that people have done.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
And Hallmark Christmas show. Yes. All right, that's it. We'll see you guys next week. Bye.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
They all said that you broke the chairs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
What's going on? I've been having a cucumber. Where?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Yeah, I eat cucumbers and then it makes me look better.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
If I got you a really nice watch, would you go on the retreat? How expensive is this watch?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I just take that. I can't give you $40,000 to go on a retreat, man. Why not? It's insane. That's not insane. That is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
It's so much fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
Now, come on, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
That date just is nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
This year is stacked. We have to slow roll the announcement of all the things happening this year. But just know this is a super packed year for us. Uh, I'm still on tour. Um, I will be shooting a special at some point this year. I have a show coming out. I got some other things that I'm shooting. We're going to be doing some stuff. YMH studios.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Murder, Mystery, And Mommies w/ Susan Hendricks | Your Mom's House Ep. 793
I owe you 10? Mm-hmm. I owe you $10,000? From the basketball game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
What's everybody next Thursday, May 22nd. I'll be bringing my come together tour to Springfield, Massachusetts to mass mutual center. Get tickets now at Tom's girl.com slash tour. I cannot wait to see you there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Bad Thoughts is out, but it's been out, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, that's a pretty light slap on the wrist when it comes to it. I don't know if it says what one was a set decorator. The other plaintiff has not agreed to be identified as an assistant director. They said Mr. Duke grabbed Amalie by the waist, pulled her toward him one day on the set while he was sitting down. Then he locked her between his legs, ran his hands over her buttocks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
genitals and breasts while muttering obscenities. Jesus Christ, dude. The assistant director testified the actor had touched her breasts and buttocks on three occasions on set in Paris. What does it say? Anything below that? The judge called their version of events coherent, consistent, and supported by other evidence. He denied the assaults.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
It comes out tomorrow. Oh, it's been out for a day. Oh, my God. If you haven't yet watched Bad Thoughts, please check it out. It's on Netflix. It was an absolute blast to make this show. Here's the show poster. Oh, wait a minute. That's actually... God, is Burt doing an almost exact same show as me? That's... That's crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
The actor said he was not the vulgar, rude, trashy person who makes fun of people he's been portrayed to be. I don't know. It seems like an old French guy move.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And if this is a culture that always has kind of let shit slide, you know what I mean? That is a Burt fucking duplicate, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Well, he used to look quite different if you see the older images.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, I like that one right next to it where it's covering the hooshie right there. Yeah, that one. I like that one. The old pull it up over the belly button move.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's really cool. I actually think Burt could do that well. It's shirtless, you know? Of course. We've got to get him some overalls.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
overalls with suspenders yeah sure yeah that's fucking cool man um no but if the french are saying that's too much yeah because that's always been a culture of like men will be men they will touch your breasts they don't care they don't care yeah they will whisper things in your ear picture that with overalls yeah right oh yeah but yeah very dip or jewish
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Very Gerard. Yeah. Very Gerard Depardieu. Look at them. They're twins. This is crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Is that a cigarette in Gerard's hand there? In his left hand?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Health, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Looking good, GP, GD.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, they do. You're right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
He really got away with it. Do you remember when he pissed on a plane in the aisle? Do you remember that? Dude, look it up. Look at him. He pissed on a plane. I swear to God. I swear to God. In the aisle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Apologizes. French actor Gerard Depardieu apologized for the humiliating incident which saw him removed from a flight to Dublin. He was urinated in front of fellow passengers after being refused permission to use a laboratory. He urinated into a bottle of... Just stood there. Yeah, his friend said he had prostate problems. After being removed from the flight, he caught a later flight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, Gerard was upset at this and offered to clean up the mess. He pissed in the aisle. He was stone cold sober at the time. Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Come on. And then there was also an era where they were talking about he said he was drinking like eight bottles of wine a day. That's how he got so fucking huge. Seriously, look at his drinking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's a good question. I have no idea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Drinking 14 bottles a day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Of course. Okay, 600, yeah. 8,400 calories. I mean, you're either an Olympian or you're a fucking mess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, that's just the booze.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's an 8,400 calorie a day hooshie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, it does look fucking solid. He looks great. Yeah. God damn, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
He can drink 14 bottles of wine per day, but is totally fine health-wise. That is... I can drink 12, 13, 14 bottles a day. He goes through occasional bouts of sobriety. Who does that sound like? But between those... His alcohol intake surge, mostly out of boredom. He then outlines in detail his normal beverage intake. Let's hear it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, they just go with another one. Damn.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
He does look good. Who made that? We got to shout him out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
In the morning, it starts at home with champagne or red wine before 10 a.m.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. That's fine. Then again, champagne. Gerard said he breaks up the wine with aniseed liquor. Aniseed? Maybe half a bottle. He added then food accompanied by two bottles of wine. In the afternoon, champagne, beer, and more pastits. I don't know what that is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
At around 5 p.m. to finish off the bottle. Later on, vodka and or whiskey. God damn.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
If you need a visual representation to imagine what this much alcohol looks like, the mirror has provided a troubling graphic. I thought they just meant mirrors in general. Holy shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh, my God. Fuck. That's wild, bro. He needs help, guys. Breakfast, lunch, afternoon, evening. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
God damn, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Because he's like, fuck this world, basically.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
This is supposed to be a picture of Jelly Roll. Can you tell what the focus of most people's eye is? Because Jelly Roll is smiling, but it's not where everyone's eyes go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
But anyway, no, it really was an amazing experience to make this show. And I really appreciate if you watch it. If you tell your friends to watch it. Yeah, there's so many great, super talented people in it. Daniela Pineda, Rob Eiler, Kirk Fox, Dan Stevens, Shea Whigham. It goes on and on. So many great, great talented people. And it was so fucking fun to make.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
So Gerard Depardieu did the 5K? Is that what we're learning?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Jason Kelsey did. Did he? I don't remember.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Bert did?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I mean, all day. All day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
But after the first one, it was on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was drinking a lot. For sure. Yeah, yeah. Jason Kelsey did this thing where every 400 meters, he would have a beer. So he had like 12 beers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, yeah. Yep, there's Jason right there on the right. Yeah, he was fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I hope so. You thinking he'll make it to 70 is a fucking good one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I don't think so. Is he doing like Fallon shirtless? No, he wears clothes. Okay. I think it's reluctant. I think he's always like, God damn it. Because some of those places will be like, hey, keep your fucking shirt on. He's like, bum me out. That is a big whooshie though. Again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
It's not a real word. Not a real one. It's not like. What's the real stomach? Hushik?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's wild. I've never, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
But this style of like, what's up, man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I'm gay. I'm trying to fucking fish and shit. Like, okay. All right. That's cool. Where's it going, though? I don't know. It just kind of ends there. That's it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Is that a big lady on the right? I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
What country is he from?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
There's no way he's a local. He's just like, cool, now I'm a citizen? I just have to fuck this animal? Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh, my God, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
He was just like, I want to get out of here, man. I want to go to the States. And they were like, yeah, but come on. So fat. Big like man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. I know the sad ones are like when they put it on social media and they're like, this is when he married her and this is her now. She's.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Isn't that crazy? His acting credits go The Sopranos, Bad Thoughts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I had some cool gay ones, and I used to send them just to Chris DiStefano because he's always like, fuck yeah. Yeah. But then I sent it to Emmy, and he was like, I don't like this shit. And I was like, ooh. Of course. I should have just shut my mouth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
25?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's the last time he acted. It's pretty amazing. He's so good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Dudes are fucking the best. This is how every, by the way, every straight guy wants to talk like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
They do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And then we go, this guy's an animal. But every straight guy would love to meet a girl and be like, I'd love to come inside of you. But it's not allowed. You can't talk like that to a woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Well, there's a few you can say it to, but they're not exactly bring her home to meet mom. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
No. Yeah, it comes Saturday. That girl.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I want him out again. Yeah. So gross, dude. So what do you think of that one? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I got to be gay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Wait, did I send this one in?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh. No. I didn't send this one in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
This is the folder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Okay, okay. Yeah. What do I do? What's it called?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Which of them do I send it to? Are you sending them on Instagram? I can send it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
To YMH account? Yeah. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I know. The thing that went viral yesterday about him. Yeah. I texted the guys that we made this with and I was like, I don't think we even exaggerated his size because he looks like he's like 5,000 pounds. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Okay. Let's go fart dogs. Let's go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Wearing the perfect red.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I sent a few of these to the YMH. If you pull that up, these are things I've sent. Any that he's like, no, I don't like this. Oh, that's how I talk? That's what this is?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I don't like this anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Okay, so I sent him this one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's it. It's just a neighbor. You're just borrowing his phone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Terrified. But there's nothing happening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, the straights do it, too. They're like... Yeah, that's true. Oh, this one he really didn't like. This one's my favorite. Yeah. Oh, man, I didn't even know that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Shout out to Mystic Clips. They made the Fat Thoughts trailer for Bert. It's really good. But yeah, Seagal. Did you see that one? Did you see the Seagal thing? By chance? The Seagal short? No, no, no. Just a clip of him. The clip of him that went out yesterday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Come on, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
There's just people having fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Good morning.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I just went mute. Did that fall out? Oh, that's what you get. Hold on. That's what your ass gets. Sorry, I lost my headphones. He was too excited thinking talk thoughts. I was so excited, yeah. I also sent him this because I think you like this kind of shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Because there's a couple things that I know that Annie goes no to. One is gay shit, but the other is women farting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh, there are these two again. Oh, yeah. Well, they're talking, though. Actually, it's different guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Anyway, that's the kind of stuff I sent him. And he's like, I'm going to block you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, let's switch it up to something that's a little nicer. Not too busy for work. This is a different theme here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That was a whole new, we've never had that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That was a lot, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, that was.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. If you don't have it, I could probably... Let me see. I could probably send it to you. I have it. You do have it? Yeah. It's crazy, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
She had a threesome with a guy and his mother. I got it. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That was really cool, though. That was cool. That was so unique.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Also, the detail also that is, I think, best of that clip is that the guy said to his mother, do what you do best. Yeah, I'm going to puke. Thanks. Which is like, you know how you do this all the time. You're the best, Mom. Mom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, that's pretty rough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Have fun with that. Real quick, two other things here I wanted to show you. You pointed out, did you point out that Katy Perry has dancing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
This is, I saw her dancing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
You've got to see this. These guys are supposed to You know, they hire choreographers that make them do cool shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
The regular person goes, God damn, that's wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I mean...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's pretty bad. What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, it looks like the exact same thing. You're like, oh, that's just the guy. It's not even an exaggeration.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That was pretty bad. Horrible. Not good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. That was bad. Pretty bad. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, I mean, I hope you're not paying a choreographer for that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Shit, I hired one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And they gave me better moves than that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
She does. That's embarrassingly bad. Yeah. Sucks. One thing I guess I didn't get to talk about on this show last time, I got to do it on Kimmel, and so I wanted to share it with the audience, is I feel like we rib Bert a lot, but you got to give him credit where credit's due, too. And so I'll show you this clip with you guys, and we can talk about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
You know, Jelly Roll also came out and did it with us. He did it last year. And then this year, one year later, he was down 130 pounds and did it yesterday again. And he wants to lose another 100. And then Bert last year, when he did it, you know, he had just found out he had type 2 diabetes. And then he, yes, like right before he got the clear that he no longer has diabetes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
So that's a huge thing from training like that. And he thinks he had it because he was eating too much fruit. And I was like, that's not. He's like, he's like, I love mango. I'm like, you don't eat 70 a day. Like it's all your other things. Well, I remember. So, I mean, you know, if you are watching or listening, send Bert a message, you know, congratulations on diabetes, on beating diabetes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Look at him. Look at this guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I know. And he, he hadn't like, it's one of the few things he hadn't boasted about, but I was kind of boasting for him. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Somebody messaged me back. I sent them to one of the guys and they were like, wait, is he fatter than your fat suit? And I was like, I mean, it's close. It's actually close.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Thank you. You know what to do. Go ahead and put the messages out there. Let them know that you're proud of them because that's a big deal. He beat the sugar. He beat the sugar. Yeah. Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. And we are back and you can see our next guest's new special, The Good Life, May 26 on Netflix. It's Mike Birbiglia, everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I'm thrilled to be here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Thanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Wow, Jesus. Wow, you're just brilliant. I know, but God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
You're making me tear up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I mean, he looks like he's at... First of all, he's a big fuck. A lot of people don't know this, but he's like 6'4". Oh, really? He's a big guy. And he probably looks like he's around 350 there, maybe 360. Wow. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
What was the idea as far as getting into this style of show? Because I remember, I don't want to say when you started, but when I first learned of you, it's like a regular stand-up show. I remember, obviously, you were a really good writer because you would read... there was like the Mike Birbiglia journal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Read those pages. And it was like, Oh, this guy's obviously like a, you're a good writer, you know? So, but then you go now to, to move it into a show. That's a, it's a different style show. One man shows are, are obviously they're like, they're more emotional. There's a whole different thing going play. Like, was it like a calculated thing? Like I want to transition to these types of shows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
God damn. He's a house, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
This guy's an Aikido champion. He's a world champ. Yeah. The other thing, the first top comment I saw on one of those videos, because I think there was a bunch that went out, they just said, where's the discipline? Because those people like him, they preach, right? Martial arts is like all about discipline. Yes. Well, clearly you have none. None. Zero. None. Zero.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
You're a great actor.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Thank you, dude. That's very nice of you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Thanks, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I remember that show being quite big, but can we go back to the details of, like, you go back into the hotel. Yeah, yeah. Do you have to tell the manager, like, hey?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
God, he should be in Fat Thoughts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Fun to show people how comedians...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Really crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Mittens on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, because, I mean, you know, you could have been on the 18th floor of a nice hotel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I remember NACA was such like, by the way, you find out about it and you're like, everyone's like, that's what you want to do, bro. You want to get NACA to sign off on you and get college gigs. Oh yeah. And we were like all trying. Cause the money was so good. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Thanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I am very excited about it. Um, I really am. It's, uh,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
You're like, oh, I have this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Did you ever go somewhere where they're like, we don't have anything? You have to be on the 10th floor.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Premiere was really fun. Yeah, the screening was here and then the premiere was there. That was a really good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Than Walla Walla. Walla Walla.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
We're in the same conversation a lot for years. I do do a lot of storytelling, but I feel like what you're doing, that is like a show that's a story. That's something I've never attempted. That's very cool. Do you think you might? It's never occurred to me. I don't know. The way I do it now is like, yeah, the hour is littered with...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
different like it kind of goes in and out of stories yeah um but um you know i find what you're doing like with these types of specials and shows it's its own thing it's i think it's kind of like the ultimate storytelling thing is like this is a show that's that's a story right yeah thanks man yeah very cool
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
People came out and it was just kind of a festive environment. We danced. Lots of laughs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I never... Were Broadway people like, oh, Jesus, a comedian?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, I enjoyed it. You did? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I had a good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I was not like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Great. Come on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
This isn't a pound of wings. It says a pound of wings on the menu.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
It's not a pound. It's not a pound.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
No, I am happy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
We got some actual bad thoughts. A fun story I'm going to show you in a second. Let's do the opening clip and get into the show. Ready?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
For a much better experience.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, those are the best. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
By the way, the one time I worked a few times, but this one time I was working the Cleveland Improv. Yeah. And the Cleveland Improv used to have just a Cleveland police officer just waiting in the lobby. And you're like, why is there a cop? And they're like, oh, he's always here. Yeah. Because sometimes we need him. And you're like, oh. And I'm waiting to go on. The feature's on stage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And I hear this commotion. I'm like, what's going on? Well, this guy was like, the menu says a pound of chicken. He goes, that wasn't a pound. And they're like, well, you ate it. Like you ate it. He's like, but it wasn't a pound. And so the cop comes in and he's like, what's the issue? And they're like telling him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And the guy's like, look, man, either pay for your wings or I got to take you to jail. And the guy goes like this. And he took the ride to jail.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I didn't come here for someone's fur jacket, pig. I had one time a guy... this is when I started to sell tickets and I had a door deal, which is like, it's very simple math, right? It was, it was a hundred percent of the door.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
So it was like, he goes, Oh, you're taking your show sold out. He goes, can you guess what you made? I go, I don't have to guess. And he's like, what do you mean? I go, well, it's just simple math, man. It's 100% of this. And he goes, huh. So he goes, it's this much. And I go, no, it's not. And he goes, what do you mean? I go, you're off. It's off by whatever amount. And he goes, Donna.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
So he calls in this lady. And he goes, he says that it's this. I told him it's this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
She gave me... Drugs, something. She gave me a lot of shit. She gave me a lot of attitude. Like, she was an asshole. Gave me the check. I go to the bank. Bounces. Oh, yeah. So I get to call her and be like, hey, your check fucking bounced. And she was like... Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm like, that's a different tone from you. Yeah, yeah. And then she mails me another check.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That one doesn't clear. Of course. And then I go, hey, what the fuck? And then she finally sends me a third check. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Jumping through windows out there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
yeah i always told like one time i did a run where the guy took me you know it was like it was a a promoter who's just like some guy he's not a real promoter sure and he set up these gigs we go to oakland and then like i get into the hotel and i hear screaming and then like these crazy stains i go what happens here man this seems like a pretty dicey place he's like
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
uh, I don't, I think it's all right. And I go, I don't think it's all right. Yeah. And I always, and I go, oh bro. Cause we walk in and it's a motel where the, when your door faces the street, I go, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
No doors on the street, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
How many keys are out there? They picked me up, and they're taking me. I was doing Kansas City improv, which is, of course, like 40 minutes from Kansas City. That's how you learn geography.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Exactly. He's driving me out there. And I did the usual thing where I go, who'd you have last week?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And he goes, oh, we had Jay Medicine hat. Rest in peace. And I go, oh, cool. How was that? He was like, well, great shows, man. He shaved his pubes in your sink. Oh, my God. And I go, did you clean it up? He goes, yeah. I go, why'd you tell me that? I don't want to think about his pubes when I'm brushing my teeth. And he's like, we just cleaned it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I'm like, bro, those are the stories they tell you. Oh, these guys fucking, they were double teaming this chick and they shit in the bed. And you're like, why are you telling me that, bro? I don't want to think about that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I don't remember. He's dead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
His brother's dead, too. Oh, my God. What's his name? Brido. Mike Bridenstine just wrote a book about that guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Or they would come in. By the way, I was fucking bad, because I would go in with... If I had met one of those guys in the room and I sensed that from them that were like, I'm the shit, I would just kind of shut down because they would go, what do you want me to ask you? I go, ask me whatever you want. They're like, no, we're about to go live. What's the setup? I go, there is no setup.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And then they'd come back on the air and they'd be like, So this guy, Tom, you're at the club. What's up, man? I go, what's up with you? Oh, my God. I was just like completely like destroyed the whole thing. I leave there in the club. You're like, the fuck was that? And I was like, I don't know. I don't have anything to prove to that guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Preston and Steve was great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And that actually works.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Monsters in the Morning in Orlando, that actually would move tickets. They were fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
They were funny. But these tiny little... Some of them were brutal. The craziest one was I did Hartford. I'll never forget this. Oh, Hartford, Connecticut. The worst place on earth. He's like, come on in. We have like another minute and then, you know, just take over. And I go, what? He goes, just take over. I go, what do you mean take over? He goes, just do whatever you want. That's crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And I go, I'm not going to do anything. And then the clock's ticking down. He's like, hey, man, we're about to be... I go, you better come up with something, dude. He goes, last week, Bobby Lee was here, and he took his clothes off. Sure. And I go, how did that play on the radio? Yeah. And then he's like, and we're live. And... Just fucking not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, we're on the radio, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
No, it's crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
No, it's crazy. Did you ever have a radio? Because I had a flashback to this where they go. I'm sweating. So, like, what's going on? What are you going to do this weekend? Like, how's the show going to be? What are you going to talk about this weekend, Tom? And you're like, I don't know. They're like, give us a little taste. Give us a little taste. I go, uh, nah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And they're like, just a little bit. Just give us a little taste. Oh my God. And I'm like, I mean, I don't, I don't want to like do. And they're like, just, just, just give us a little, like a little something. And then you go, your body's telling, like you're, everything's telling you don't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
But then they keep saying it. So I go, all right. Um, uh, uh, you know how sometimes, and I, and I start doing a bit. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And then they would be like,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Okay. Yeah, yeah. And then, dude, I did that one time, and then my friends that were in this city, they were like, yo, they're playing back. Like you bombing on a radio show? And they're playing cricket noises. No!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
No! And I was like, what? Yeah, that's what they're doing right now on the radio.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
She came over last night. She goes, I got to tell you, if that show's really coming out, I'm like, it's coming out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
She goes, I will not come to any more of your shows. Great. I will never do your podcast. I go, promise? Yeah. She was like, I'm just so upset that you're doing this. And I'm like, okay, great. That's so funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
It's still there. You don't want to watch more Daddy Recy stuff?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's hardcore Catholic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, your mom's pretty hardcore too. Oh, my mom. This would have made my mother just weep. Oh, really? Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Why can't you be like a nice show?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
So if you watch Bad Thoughts, which I hope you're going to do, episode six, the final episode of the season, most of it takes place. It's the story called Concoction, where we drink a concoction and all these fantastic things happen. We shot it at a place called Med to Market. We were shooting all over Austin, different locations. Sometimes it was a back lot. We shot on...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they must have been like, well, you did well, son. You got invited to meet the Pope. It's pretty crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, I mean, Catholicism was a huge part of my upbringing, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, and, like, you know, it was not an option to not go to Mass for us through, not just through high school, college, coming home, but even through through my twenties, like if I came home to visit my parents and it was Sunday, there wasn't like a conversation. You were just going. And I remember the, I still remember we visited and I was, I think we were at this time, I'm over 30.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And they just got up Sunday morning and they were like, we're going to Mass. We'll see you guys later. And we were like, And they came home and didn't do a guilt trip or anything? They didn't say anything about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And I was like, oh, they've... And they just kind of resigned to it. They just were like, oh, they're not interested in going. Right. But it took them 30 plus years.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, that's probably a big part of living around here, right? I don't know. Well, but we're kind of the same way, because I asked our oldest, I was like, what do you know about God? He's like, he controls the weather, dude. That's good. That's pretty good. And that was kind of like the extent of it, and we didn't really talk about it much more.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's a good call.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's so terrifying. Well, they definitely tune us out a lot. That's very true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's nice. Smoking is for losers. That's really good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Robert Rodriguez's Troublemaker Studios. And we had like, you know, different locations. So this is one of the locations called Med to Market.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
But they also learned to bark at people who ride bikes. So when we're driving by or in the car and there's someone riding a bike, they go like that. I don't get why.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Boys, it's so crazy when you see, like, how they're wired. Like, the energy. Yeah, yeah. It's so intense. And aggression. Like, all they do is, like, they want to just fuck me up all day. Totally. All day, they're like, can we wrestle? I'm like, Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, so cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I mean, you know T. Swift. I have the Pope in there. That's pretty crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I mean, for a little girl, that must be like nothing bigger. Yeah, it was crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
that's when you could tell by the way is like when she did that last tour the huge tour yeah yeah yeah all these people who were like yeah I don't like I don't follow her but I went to the concert and they're like that concert was unbelievable everybody was giving really crazy reviews yeah it's truly crazy
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
So when we were there, there were corpses there, and they were like, oh, just, you know, don't go in this room or don't look in here. And there's open windows. Yeah, so you just, like, look and see a dead body. And they'd be like, oh, we'll cover that up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
She's fucking great. So the new show is The Good Life. Is the kickoff from this The Stroke?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
so much that realization as you age that your parents were just two people walking around earth like because you know for so long it's supposed to be that way when you're a kid you're like these people are here for me yeah they're special beings that's right for me and then as you get older you're like that's just a dude my dad's just a guy who ran into this lady and they had me like they're just trying to figure it out i'll see my dad like oh reach oh yeah those are my parents
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Just like dilaudid whenever you want it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Hopefully.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I don't know, man. I'm feeling pretty good about my odds.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
In order to answer those questions, Mike, is what I'm saying. My dad was like 72 when he was like, you know, I think the war in Vietnam really affected me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Wow. And he always told combat stories and all that shit. Oh, my God. He's like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I go, you think it affected you? He's like, I do. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. That's that generation's man, though. No, I know. They just go like, huh, I think, because I think about those guys every day. I'm like, really? You've never said that. Wow. It's like, yeah, every day I think about the guys that I fought with and died. And I'm like, you're just saying this now?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And he was like, yeah. He goes, I really think it affected me. I'm like, yeah. Like, you saw like the worst shit in the world.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And he's like, yeah. Anyway, yeah, I just figured that out. Yeah, just...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, he's got a real knucklehead over there at Magic Market. But that's where we shot. That's where we shot Concoction.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's a really great point. You probably, if somebody actually digests what you're saying, it can save them a lot of heartache too. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have to, because it's easy, especially the people, some people have super combative relationships where all they do is go, I want to talk about politics with their dad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And then they're like, yeah, 30 years went by and all we did was ever yell at each other.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. What a cool thing. The tie-in is pretty cool that the guy was an evil doctor, basically.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, our kids will be on this podcast.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
My fucking dad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I like that. Encouraging us to say the F word. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
It's a good spelling exercise. I kept them. Curse words are great. Yeah. Well, I walked out of our house and I saw... They had taken chalk and written on this, like, wall, the garden wall, just like, fuck, shit. Oh, yeah, Bozeman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
All right. We should tell you guys that May 26, The Good Life comes out on Netflix. It's Mike Birbiglia's latest. He also has a bunch of other specials. He has books. You'll probably put on another big show in another year or so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I'd be curious, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Here's a big surprise. They don't go, hey, great for you. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Maybe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Maybe I had some with lunch, and I didn't even realize it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
I think I'd marry my dad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, he was experimenting with severed arms. Mm-hmm. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Sharkisha, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Deep cut.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Well, there's certain things, too, like when you sign off. Sometimes you sign off, I want, you know, my loved one to be used for science, whatever, medical research. Yes. And then you don't really see the fine print of what can happen. So there was this story of a guy who, like, he signed off for his mother to be, you know, her body to be used for science.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And then the Army got a hold of it and used it for an explosive test. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That was also a ghost crew track back in the day. Hello and welcome to another episode of your mom's house podcast. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah, so just to see the effects of this bomb going off, they blew her body up. And he's like, that's not what I sent my mom to you for. But it was protected under the fine print.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Very smart. Very good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
That's nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
You don't want to get fingered by the fucking coroner.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Does it? Like all glasses or that pair, you mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Yeah. Also, got some other news for you right here. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
Isn't that crazy? Gerard Depardieu.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
We knew he was a lookalike for a friend of ours. So that's what we kind of really started talking about. And it turns out he's a big old booze bag. And now a convicted assaulter. The French actor was found guilty of SA, two women on the set of a movie in which he... Oh, assaulting two women on the set of a movie which he starred in 2021.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
He was given a suspended sentence of 18 months, which is nothing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
The French movie star, Gérard Depardieu, was convicted. By a Paris court on Tuesday of assaulting two women working on the set of a film, he received a suspended sentence. He will be added to the National Sex Offender Registry. The judge also ruled that Mr. Depardieu, now 76, paid damages of 15,000 euros, which is about $17,000, to one of the two victims.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810
And 14,000 euros, including her medical fees, to the other. He was not in court for the ruling. His lawyer said he would appeal. The verdict was welcomed by the victim's lawyers as a landmark win for French women in the post-MeToo world. For me, it's a victory truly, said one of the women, agreed to be identified only by her first name, Amalie. We are moving forward.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
What's a first date like ideally for you? Come on in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
this thing happened in uh 90 91 which is there's a basketball team there called the chicago bulls and in milwaukee we would get wgn which is the local chicago station and i would watch chicago bulls basketball games and i was a kid you know you're like you're in school you're you're getting into sports and watching michael jordan play regularly like just watching full games
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I turned into like every kid was like, this is like a, an icon, you know? I mean, we were just like enamored with this guy and with the team. They were like, they became, I think for a lot of kids, especially like that's the, that's all you cared about was the bulls. And I was obsessed too. I got to see him play in person three times. And yeah, I was just like the biggest fan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And Cardiff at Utilita Arena March 23rd. Get your tickets at tomseguro.com slash tour. I'll see you guys there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And so anyway, I, you know, I had that kind of affection for the bulls in Chicago as a kid. And then I, I played Chicago as a comedian. I started at the Improv. Then I went to Park West. Yeah, in Schaumburg. Which I was, of course, you're like, I'm not in Chicago at all when you get there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
The Asiago chicken is killer. then i did park west then i did the vic then i did the chicago theater then i did uic credit one arena and then i finally did the united center this is where the bulls played this is michael jordan's house where he has a statue and we had about 17 000 people at the show and it was fucking nuts jeff tate yeah he wore his best outfit i can see
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So that's how Jeff Tate dresses. Oh, I know. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
But it's, it's homeless chic though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. That's not. Homeless boxer. Yeah. It's, that's like he puts, that's a fucking coordinated thing. Sure. Sure. Um, he opened the show. He killed Chris DiStefano was a surprise guest. He killed. And then I had a, a, just a really fun set. A lady had a seizure and,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It was really nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Actually, so I didn't know because of how the room is lit and you're working the round, right? The stage is in the middle for people that don't know and you just, you stay pacing. And so I saw some... The bigger a show gets, you don't want to acknowledge everything that's happening in the room. You see people, you see security, you see things happening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So I catch something out of the corner of my eye, but I'm like, someone's trying to get to their seat. Because that's also a thing. People are like, I'm sitting here and... I just kind of keep walking. So now I'm on the other side of that stage. I'm working this side of the audience. And then I come around again and I see that this looks like a scene.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So even though I'm in the middle of talking, I go, what is going on here? And just stop, right? And somebody goes, she's having a seizure. She had a seizure. And I go, oh, shit. So I go, hey, do you want to turn the house lights on? I go, this is more important than what I'm doing. And they go, no, it's okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, they had a stretcher and everything. Shit. And I go, you don't want to turn the lights on? And they go, no, we're fine. I go, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
What's everybody? I'm just looking to laugh today. If you want to take your bra off and send me a picture, have fun with it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And then they wheeled her out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And I go, hey, you know, I go, if you guys are with her, I would go. And everybody laughed. Yeah. And they're like, oh no, we're not with her. I was like, oh, okay. Fuck that bitch. Well, I hope we, and then I prayed a Hail Mary for her with the audience.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
But then I realized I thought she had a hijab on. So I just, I just, I prayed to Allah for a second. Don't want to make that mistake. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
He only cares about. The right, the right kinds. That's right. God's very Christian.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I think you mean you had a nightmare.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Did we have the same or did we look totally different?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You morphed into somebody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You were naked in this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, Jesus. You didn't say that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Were you like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Did you say that? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, I know what your search engine looks like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And then we just banged it out?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Of course. I want you to be a high school graduate. And then you're in the category of which I will laugh and nothing else.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I don't think there's a rule that dictates it. You can just let your mind go where it goes. You don't have to force the dream.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I'm very flattered.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I don't have a lot of sex dreams, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I don't have a lot of sex dreams.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I mean, where was it last night? It was mostly Nazis last night.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I've been watching that Black Hawk Down documentary.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I mean, if you watch this documentary, you won't like them. I know. I've been there. You're like fucking Delta Force. Get in there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, they are. They actually seem like lovely people. Yeah, it's just a horrible incident in time that happened there. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Just, it's a well-told story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, that's the thing, is you think you remember, and then... What is that shit? They do a great job of... So, everybody remembers Black Hawk Down. The movie, yeah. Well, the movie and the term, like the expression, and that it's related to that thing that happened in Somalia. But then, when you watch the doc, they give you the backstory of what's happening in Somalia leading up to this, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. Civil War and the split kind of between different factions there, and... And how the Americans were seen as saviors for a while. And then there's like turning point where it's like, hey, there are a couple. The thing about trying to police a country when you're military is that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You're going to have incidents that go wrong, and then the people are going to be like, oh, you're not here helping us. And there's a bit of that. And then the actual incident itself is like these guys are on a mission to take out this general, like the guy who's the top bad guy and some of his cabinet, let's say. And then it just, everything just goes sideways.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
That's what we're always just like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I mean, that's the best way to kind of summarize it. Everything goes sideways.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Look at these perfect tits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Turns out she's just a big goofball.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
She's a little knucklehead. Yep.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And you know that you'd go back with her if she was like, come back.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I want to show you something in my room. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Show me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
See?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, it's a totally different story when they're not attractive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
No, he did not have an overall response. But I do think he got more than you think. Here's the thing. Everyone's looking for something and some attention in some way. And so to some lady out there, the fact that this guy had followers and people commenting, they were probably like, oh, this guy, I get a little clout interacting with him. He probably had a few hotties.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Also, there's this big push in the airline industry for more inclusivity.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
On all levels. I'm not talking about pilots. I'm talking about behind the gate and working as flight attendants.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Why does that bother you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's a really big.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
This is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, their number one job is safety of passengers actually. Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You do have to listen to them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You're real fired up about this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I got it. I got it. Yeah. I mean, it's too fat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
There's different kinds of guys. There are different kinds of guys. Listen, this is, this is one type of guy. Okay. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Fuck. Fuck, dude. That's dark. Emily's cute.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Emily is beautiful, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Could you have a little bit of empathy for this poor man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Well, here's the thing. He's got his dolls. This was such a heavy video. I mean, this guy is confessing what his... Basically, that his greatest fears are true. Yeah. And... Then he breaks to smell his doll. I know. And he's like, I love, he's going back and forth. This is like a full exposure of somebody's inner workings, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Right. So that's what he's responding to. Yeah. Which, yeah. You're a loser. That's a crazy fucking A, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I can feel a couple of things. First of all. First of all, you know one of the things I notice? Not a bad fit. Those are nice jeans. I like his shoes. He's got a cool chain.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I like the outfit. It is crazy that he pretends that he's married to Emily the doll, the mannequin with his baby dolls. But he also, there's like peaks into the fact that he has full conversations. This man's incapable probably of a relationship with a real woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, I'm happy that that gives him some level of, you know, fulfillment. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Just hide it. Just hide it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's here to stay. What is this? Does he talk about this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. So he's 50. He lives with his parents, so his parents got to be up there in age. But the thing is, this guy, he's too far gone. The funny thing, too, is that he has that relationship, which gives him some fulfillment. Yeah. And then he has a relationship with followers online. That's good. No, it just shows you that all of that cannot substitute human interaction. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Like this guy, I don't think he interacts with any other humans than maybe his parents.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You don't think so?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
That is 100% not true. He is fucking that doll in every possible scenario.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
That's not what he said. He said he doesn't watch her use the bathroom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
He's never seen her walk to the toilet and take a shit. That doesn't mean he doesn't fill her up all the time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I think he might be one of those super meticulous cleaning guys, though. He does look clean. It might be sparkling clean down there, but there's cum in it every day. In the eyes, in the mouth, in the...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
He probably does this thing where when he comes inside of it, he's probably like, oh, Emily, what'd you do?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, no. Oh, you got to clean up. And then he, good job. And he cleans her and he talks to her, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God, you're going to get pregnant again. We already have two dolls. Stop.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, his thing was, he was like, all right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, and I don't think he's that low IQ either. I think he has awareness enough to have the doll, know how to pretend, dress the doll. He's not dumb, dumb, dumb.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Send an email of the shirt you want and with the address that you want it to go to. When we respond, then send another email back. And after you get that with your size, and if you want a king or a queen written on it, and then Jesse will get you the thing. And then once the money clears, then we'll send you it. And you're like, what the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
But it's a lot of the same. It's the same brain that finds different holes that come in the doll.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Did they say that to him?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
We do argue. Sometimes. Sometimes. What does it say? Advanced autism was the other one?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So they're just like, are you advanced? He thinks they're saying you're advanced at your acoustic skills.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, shit, that's a cool guy outfit for sure. Oh, my God. I think it's good. That chain's too nice. That chain's nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Those are cool guys? This is the ugly wall. Yeah, it's not the hot guy wall. These guys will never end up on that wall. These are people we discovered online that we ended up usually meeting or highlighting. You saw Fancy Chef, right? You saw that guy. You didn't see Fancy Chef? No. Ever? The black dude? Yeah, the black chef. Black chef. We call him Black Chef. Yeah, he came like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
He came to the studio and cooked for us. Oh, nice. So he got a portrait. Okay, cool. You know Robert Paul Champagne. He's a New York legend. Nah. You don't know Robert Paul Champagne. What is the context?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Literally, you can put him on Google Maps and it shows you his address.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So he is the guy who... put out a video years ago just calling for all black men to come to his apartment um black guys who like to good yeah that's what he said yeah yeah so anyway that didn't hit my circle surprisingly Yeah, that's him. So they're all just like... That guy in the middle down there with the tattoo on his forehead was a mortgage broker. Oh, cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And he ended up putting up tit cup videos where he made his tits grow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, my God. How much time do you spend on the internet? I've always wanted to ask you that. So fun. I actually don't go that...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
that deep no that's a lie no it's true that's a lie i i knew that you were locked in because i always knew that you were like plugged into like internet culture whatever yeah we should just roll yeah yeah well here let's just like just get this out of the way um starting today the moment you see this you can go to netflix and catch the all new special andrew schultz life and welcoming uh we're welcoming back the great andrew schultz everybody thank you wow
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
welcome congratulations on the special thank you very much man yeah that's awesome man and on a baby yeah that's the cool they're kind of intertwined yeah the special is about trying to make the baby yeah that's very cool i'd heard about this because i would run into somebody that goes on the road with you oh posting me yeah yeah and he would he told me like that theme a while ago i was like oh that's great but now i get to actually see it i can't wait to see it yeah yeah check it out man if you get time
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
The second time around. We didn't even. I didn't know this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
fuck are you talking about different yeah you never heard not a way to make a lot of money for sure you never heard of shopify yeah yeah pull your tits out i want to laugh yeah man and you know he's still at it i still see him on the talk fuck yeah he's still at it yeah guys like that don't give up they don't relentless oh here we go good i mean the design is just unbelievable
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
But, like, it wasn't even, we didn't even go, like, let's try and then do it. We just went straight to it. You went, okay. Well, because. Because we were older.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You took a look at Christina.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
This kid's not going to fucking be able to eat with a fork if we do it the regular way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, that's terrifying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Do you mind? Sorry. I don't know if your experience was like this. So we go in for a second baby. And we're like, let's just do this. Let's not even try anything else. So then they go, okay. We made the potion. And then they were like, you have 19 embryos. You got 19 at 40 years old? 19 embryos. Just enough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. You had 19 embryos and they were all male. They were all male. And then they go, so now we put them in and we rank them. They're like, these six have Down syndrome. Do you want them? And I'm like, do we want them? And then they're like, this one has a horrible heart defect. This one will have this disease. And I'm like, I'm assuming we're excluding these?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I've worked with a couple designers and this is, I've never seen anything like this. Good morning.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And they're like, well, it's up to you. And I'm like, oh, okay. And then they go all the way through and blah, blah, blah. And then they're like, And we have one that's rated A++. And I go, we'll take fucking that one. We'll take the A++. And they're like, okay, well, you just have the choice. And I'm like, yeah, there's not a choice. There's no choice. There's one good embryo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
There's one good embryo. It starts at the bottom. Yeah, because some of them, I'm saying when they said they're 19, they were basically like 11 of these are not viable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
He might have our luck and they'll be like, hey, you have 19 girls. Oh my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, I could get pregnant, but they weren't genetically good enough. I think that's why, with all that help, we had legitimately had one good option. Yeah, we had one good egg.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And then he came out like a Gerber. He's just like big cheeks, blue eyes, like, hey! He's like a baby advertisement. Oh my gosh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
What the fuck, man? And I'm like... Is he cursing? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How old is that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Doesn't this highlight, too, how design is not... It's not easy. No. You know when you see shit and you're like, that's fucking really cool. I know. That's a really talented person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Hi, Amanda. This is Tom Segura. You're on YMH Live, and congratulations. You just won $10,000. He has been posting that he is reaching out to porn stars and wanting to shoot a scene with them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Really? Yes. I think that L.A., like the way that I summarize it for people is like you walk into a place in L.A. Yeah. With a young kid, let's say like a three-year-old or something. Right away, they're like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. And they're like, is he going to? And then in Texas, you walk in with that kid and the kid knocks something over and they go, it's a kid.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. That's just like family values. Yeah. They're like, it's what kids do. Yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
They really don't care.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
But that does feel more like in New York. You're like, yeah, this is... Yeah, we see it all here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
That put that together. You take it for granted and you're like, oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
They are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
This becomes accessible. That's the thing. I think if you go to New York, you're 21 right now, you're like, I'm going to start doing stand-up. You do go like, well, where the fuck do I start? Where do I go?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I think you can get on your feet quicker in an Austin, right? Yeah. If you go, I'm going to New York or I'm going to LA, your goal is like, I want to be at the cellar or I want to be at the store or something. Yeah. But you just go like, well, it's going to take a long time. that's the thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
then wow yeah true you know because think about the four or five year guys they gotta follow that you know like it makes you stronger yeah definitely that's what we went through like i was thinking about like when i thought about you coming in i was like thinking about how many new york guys make me laugh so hard that are like you know that are good ones right yeah because i just had uh de stefano came out chrissy hilarious he came out to chicago and did the show with me over the weekend yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And he is so fucking funny on stage and off. Oh, yeah. Great hang, too. He's a great hang. He's a great hang, yeah. And I was thinking of like the, well, like Tim Dillon's a New York guy. Oh, yeah. He's such a ridiculous, funny guy. I guess they're Philly guys, but they live in New York. The Are You Garbage guys. Oh, yeah, yeah. Love them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
But like they have, you guys all have that, there's like that East Coast kind of,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
type of person sure quality to them that is like you say shit they're unapologetic yeah just so opinionated about everything opinionated heavily that's what it comes down here's the thing you realize this after you do standard for a while you cannot be considered a funny person if you don't have opinions strong opinion you have to have it doesn't have to be right or wrong it doesn't matter just have to feel a strong way and that is new york like in a nutshell and maybe even the northeast it's just like strong opinions completely uninformed yes and we don't care that's right
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I'm like, this is terrible. You're the queen above 18 interior designer. Yeah, I suck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Well, because we all think we can do it intuitively. That's what happens. You go, oh, I'll design the shirt. And then you're like, it looks like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, it's bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You have to have some angle on stage with something. The truth is... Like when we talk about our kids, usually either on a podcast or on stage, you are, the end goal is laughs, right? So you're saying, and you're kind of sharing one note. Because like, does somebody really want me to be like, let me tell you how adorable my kids are? No, not at all. They don't want to hear it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
He needs help, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's not just us. He needs help. How you doing? You're spicy today. Yes, I know. I actually want to tell people, this shit puts me in a good mood. What is this? And it's legal, and this is not a paid advertisement. Okay. It's called Fun Guy is the company, and they make Kana fruit chews. So Kana is a plant, I believe, native to South Africa, and it's a mood booster.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Well, that's the thing is that we clock that thing where we go, Oh God, Sharing this is funny. This is a funny thing to share. The rest of it, you get just more savvy at being like, don't share the fat. And nobody wants to hear how sweet something was on stage. I mean, yesterday I was with my oldest.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, it's fun to talk about with somebody about like, Our nine year old, I was like doing his homework with him. And I was like, he was fucking around. I was like, dude, you got to focus. He's like, he's like, just fucking off. And I was like, come on, man. You know what? We're just not going to. He's like, I think somebody just needs a big. And he gave me a big hug and I was like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Okay. I love it. He's like, better?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yes, you can.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
That shit, you can get it online. I bought a bunch of it. Yeah, I've just seen you with these. And it's delicious. Delicious. Yeah, and it does change your mood.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, it's almost impossible. Well, it's like it's almost like those traditional generals exist for a reason. You mean like thousands of years of evolution and biology? They've naturally happened this way. And just because the modern world took its turn and evolved to what it is, it really doesn't negate what thousands of years kind of dictate.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And then you find that like a lot of women, the problem isn't the choice to be like, I want to be, it's the, you know, it's the, looking down on it. That's what's fucked up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. And I feel like that's kind of... And it is probably stronger in a city like New York where they're like, oh, you can't, well, you can't fucking do both.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, he does. Yeah. Yeah. I love the, um,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
tastes good maybe take two wait take it easy so good tastes good you know it tastes like a fruit roll highly recommend to all my friends out there that want to try you can get this online and you can get it legally nice and it's called I'm into it tastes really good Kana by Fun Guy give me another one yeah dude I like it that's what I'm saying why not go for it that's what I'm saying bro it's good shit bro
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. They took me to a room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I did. It was an old Filipino nurse. Yeah, yeah. And she was like, you watch your movies? Yeah. And then my joke to her, I was like, do you stay in the room? Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I have a UTI.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, you have a UTI. Okay. Go, go, go. So one of the things about a themed special, I find it really impressive and challenging because a lot of times you're up there and we have our bits about a topic and then the shit's over. You're like, it's over. And then I've seen usually UK comics because they'll do the festival circuit so big.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So they'll do, here's the theme, my dad, and it's just a fucking hour. And I'm always like, well, it feels like a big hurdle. I remember... Ari did that one Jew which is really good it's really really good and it was a theme that I was like did you set out to make it an hour?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. When I, when it could have been like, she's the fucking, yeah. It's like, it's, it's in, which is also like, it's vulnerable, but it's also, it's more permission to laugh from them because you're like me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Well, I always find, too, I don't even feel like it's conscious necessarily that as I'm always putting together new hours. That first bit where it's like, hey, I'm the dummy, it's like the room just leans in and they go, oh, great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I'll do the scene. Hello.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
All right. You ready to start the show?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, the more that you're humiliated in something, the more the audience leans in and is like, I like this guy. I like this fucking guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
We have so much to talk about.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And you think about with stand-up, like, the more flaws you have, the funnier. Like, especially, like, you know, physical flaws. Oh, yeah. Right? Like, if you've got the big nose, if you're fat, if you've got a gaped tooth. All that is, like, people go, oh, I like this guy. I like his flaws. It's, like, it's an invitation to be, like, this is an imperfect person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Here we go. Here we go. I'm telling you, you're going to like this. You're going to like the way you look. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Because stand-up, you can't be the sexiest, coolest. coolest person ever. No, it doesn't work forever.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yes, yes, yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I went to her show one time. She was in Florida somewhere. And I go to the bathroom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And the guy's at the urinal. And then he tells another guy, he's like, there's a chick on stage. And he's like, oh, yeah? How are her tits? And he's like, yeah, they're pretty fucking good. And I was just like. I was like, that's what they're dealing with. They're like, what are those tits like?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
you know yeah yeah yeah they're like what's that bulge like definitely weren't saying that at all yeah uh but yeah anyway to what the only thirsty comments i ever get on instagram are dudes now you gotta be getting shit now that you're skinny and like ripped it's dudes though like dudes are the ones that maybe a woman thinks it but a guy comments yeah the guy is like Looking sexy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, you're baiting right now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Especially, you realize it. First, you watch it. Because I remember being like, my favorite thing was when I would watch Chappelle just tell a story. Be like, this is what happened today. And I was like, oh, I want to do that. He's incredible at commanding attention. It's so good. And then I realized... As a young comic, I was like, oh, I don't have the skill set yet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
In other words, it was something that I was trying to evolve into. Because I was good at doing it this way, like telling friends what happened over the weekend. And they were like, that was such a good stuff. But I couldn't do it on stage. But I always wanted to do it on stage. And then you realize that the way to do it, at least the way I do it, is you go up there and you tell a too long a story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Interesting. And then there's funny moments in it, and then you go, okay, all this information is not needed. Oh, you're saying you keep it fat and then you whittle it down. I keep it fat and then you whittle it down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Let's do this shit. For the heavy segment, everybody, you know what to do. No!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's interesting. The other thing that, like, it sounds like you did it in this. I learned over the time telling stories on stage is that the work isn't so much in, like, you've... Part of it is you're either kind of good at telling stories or you're not. It's why are you telling the story? In other words, what's your way in?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And the way in is whether the story has stakes. Can you give me an example of that? Well, it's like you just being like telling a story about... having, putting sperm in a cup is kind of funny on its own, right? Yeah. But if the lead up to that is that I've been trying to have a baby. I've been struggling. This didn't work. Now this story has way more stakes and is funnier.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And so a lot of times I'll see guys tell a pretty funny story. I'm like, yeah, you don't really need to work on that story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I mean, sometimes like I would say like you backing the Y into it. Yeah. So like even like when I'm on tour right now, I'm closing with a story and it's a funny story on its own. But I kind of worked out this reason for telling you give me like a past joke because I don't want you to give away something that you're doing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Well, that kind of falls into, because like kid stories, you kind of can introduce the idea of like, here are, you know, my kids are like, and you start telling the story. So those you don't have to like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
give the stakes to necessarily yeah i'm trying to think of like the uh wasn't it there was the story about that fight that i witnessed in philadelphia okay i i saw this this fight in a park oh yeah in philly i'm trying to remember now i'm trying to remember people jumped in remember yeah it was well i had yeah so i had um uh a thing about how there's no such thing as white loyalty
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
okay right yeah and so the the jokes about that yeah set up the story in other words i said that like like um a black guy who sees another black guy getting beat up yeah he'll be like i don't know who this is yeah but that he's my brother and if a white guy sees a white guy getting beat up he's like i don't know that fucking guy I don't give a shit about that guy. That's good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And so those jokes set up the story, which is I witnessed a racial fight. Oh, wow. In this park in Philadelphia, literally going on a walk. Yeah. Where all I caught was this white guy walking away and yelling across the park, the N-bomb. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, this was like, immediately I was like, well, I don't know what's happening here, but I'm watching this shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And then the, I was like, I saw a black guy. I don't know if he lived in the bushes, but he popped out of the bush. And he came out and like, these guys were pummeling this guy. And then I yelled something, and then they looked at me, and I was like, no, no, no. I'm not with him. I'm saying you guys get it. But that's also not a good example of what I'm saying. I can't even think of one, actually.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Let me think for a second. You guys talk, and I'll pull up a... Yeah, I'm really curious about this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I mean, I'm sure the Jews believe that. Yeah. I have a good example. Okay. I have a good example. So I remember I had this story that a woman had told me about the time – she ended up basically blowing a lot of guys in the Wu-Tang Clan, right? And so I had this. Hold on, okay, is this how you set it up? No, no, no. I'm telling, I'm giving you the example of a breakdown.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So I have this story that is funny in and of itself. But it's like, what is the way into this story to make it more than just like, hey, a girl blew a bunch of guys in this group. And so the work for me was like, okay, figuring it out the way in. The way in was that that was...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Leading up to it, I talked about how my mom was a dream crusher, how she would always, if I was like, I want to do this, she's a dream crusher. So I would tell that before. I'd have jokes about how, I used to be like, I want to do stand-up. She's like, you should get a job at the post office. And they have benefits. And I'm like, I don't fucking work at the post office.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And I would talk about all how she's such a dream crusher. This would then end up with me saying, The thing about going for your dreams is that it doesn't matter if you achieve your dream. It matters that you go for your dream and that that dream will fulfill you even if you don't reach your ultimate goal. That would take me into the story about the girl blowing the nine guys in the boot camp.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So it was like, that gave that story the meaning of like, this is a woman going for her dreams. Now she ended up crying and she was very sad about
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
blowing those nine guys yeah but the story was pretty funny yes and the way in was what made it a much stronger story 100 yeah now you're not just telling this sex story exactly yeah you've positioned her as a dreamer yeah i was like this is what she's always wanted yes she's a winner yeah so i think like when whenever we do that for those types of bits like story bits yeah you give your story much more power
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And that deeper connection. And if you could tell that plastic straw joke in one of those great stories, then you get, it's double that. You get like, that's such a great joke. And now it actually enhanced your story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah, the stories, I love watching stories. I mean, that's why I think I got into it. Who'd you like? I mean, look, the first guy that I ever saw do Stanford, I was like, what is this? Was Cosby. Wow. And it was that special Bill Cosby himself, which is like him on a stool. And it is just... There's like a 17 minute story about going to the dentist. And you're like, this is great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And you don't realize that you're watching a super polished comedian. You just think that like, which is what you want. That's the calming effect of the story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I'm telling you, when you find something that works for you, it's like you want to tell everybody. I'm serious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And you're like, this guy's just so funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I know you just kind of, but you, you, you like refer to it as like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Aren't you kind of mesmerized sometimes that you're like, there's fucking 15,000 people and you're telling this part and you can hear like nothing in there. And then you get to your – That's how you know they're really locked in. They're really locked in. And then you get to your punchline and you hear the huge – and you're like, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. It's going to hit you more in an hour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Especially when you get to those big venues. The thing we try to do is when you tell your stories, you have them locked in. If you end one, you can then go... Set up punch, set up punch, joke, joke, joke. And then before you're next. So it's not just also one note of just stories.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Very amazing. What do you think of this cool chick?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, yeah, it starts to evolve. Also, the best thing is, like, we're hanging out, and, like, you know, you're here and Kirk's here. I'm like, Kirk, tell him that story. It's a story, buddy. And then I want to watch you laugh. And then I like, you forgot the, like, I know the story better.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I told somebody that you made me laugh so hard with, she always like, when I get back, she'll be like, you know, how's, how's Andrew? I'm like, good. And she'd be like, like, how's his wife? And I'll go, I don't know. She's like, you didn't ask him? And I'm like, well, I mean, we were doing other things. And she's like, you didn't say? That's all we talk about.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I choose not to. I can if I want to. Yeah, of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
they've reached out have they really yeah yeah yeah i love that yeah and you said no yeah i was like you know the thing is i've been bald like the shaved head for a while yeah i don't have a weird shaped head yeah so it's like i don't i'm not like oh you got good shape yeah so then you just go and you can grow a beard if you can't do the beard i think that you kind of got to go plugs yeah you kind of you got it because it looks weird if
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
She was jealous, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I also feel like my theory on anything cosmetic, if it bothers you enough, it's not about what you say, it's what you do. In other words, if my teeth were fucked up, I promise you, you would see veneers because it would bother me to have, I know that about myself. If this bothered me enough, I could change it. So it actually doesn't bother me enough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
or balding but it's the in between when i got to that level that's when i didn't go like i'll just wait it was once it was thin i was like it looks weird then i just took it off yeah it still grows like if i grow i grow fully around the back and up to here it's this goes out i'm like i'm not doing that i'm not rocking the fucking empty foreground no yeah because that's what looks bad is the thinning
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
This is you if you had an American mom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
This is like a, uh, like social media clip. Yeah. It's just, I've seen this. Okay. I knew it. I've seen this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
He's like, yeah, it's still good. And she's like, no, honey. No, it's all... He's like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, that's a great clip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So he had a meltdown?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Oh, that's where those full clips are. On X, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
No, it's the video guy narrating it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Wow, she's pretty pissed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
She doesn't like dad either. I thought this was just all about mom, but then she was like, dad pressured you. Fat pig.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
How are you not telling me about this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
You ever watch Tubi movies?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Why don't you reach out?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
That's what it says here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. Rashan, that's at Sam's Taylor in Hong Kong. Hong Kong. Yes. So we had, we had found him like, cause we play clips a lot and we're like the same thing. We were like, this guy's hilarious. These are crazy clips. He's insane. And then my tour started last year in Asia. He hits me. He's like, you're not coming to Hong Kong. I go, yeah. He goes, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Because we'd played his clips and everything. We'd actually done a bit... like virtually, you know what I mean? Like over Zoom with him one time, we talked about something and he had sent measurements. He made us, they make, I mean, the last six US presidents got suits from them. So, oh yeah. And they have, that's the crazy, his dad, the dynamic that is so funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
that his dad is like a very proper yeah polite guy okay he he kind of reminds me of like i like to upset my mom by doing shit so he's sitting there doing shit he's like you know he's like oh you got tight ass and his dad's his dad's like huh like what and then you know he's like i'll be like oh your wife's beautiful he's like she doesn't let me hit it anymore and then his dad's like hey huh
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
This is the best way to make plans the way we're done. You will see when you watch this show that we spend all the money. One of the top OnlyFans content creators, Alexis Bauer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Like, stop talking like that. You know, like he's being like, he's almost like provoking his father a lot, which is very funny. So anyway, I tell him I'm coming to Hong Kong. He's like, you have to stop in. Our hotel was like two blocks from this place. I love it. And we come in and he gave me the full, he calls it the full treatment, like the service, the full service.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And yeah, he just makes, this is like his genuine personality. He's a wild man. But the flip side is like some of these guys online, we've met like a lot of crazy guys and they do not have a skill set. Like there's nothing of value. He's an elite tailor. This is an elite, like... Movie stars, all the best soccer players in the world. They've all gotten suits from these guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
And then he's also this lunatic online. So he's super entertaining, but top quality suits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's a real thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I think his dad doesn't get what's going on online. Maybe he doesn't realize how big it is. He doesn't realize what's going on. And he's probably like, dad, let me handle the social media. Like, you don't know this shit. Dad's fucking 75. Got it. Yeah. And then it's just, yeah, he's sitting there just being, you know, himself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Like, I mean, yeah, it's literally an endless list.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
he had this room in the back there's george bush right there in the back the dad was like come see this and then he stopped everyone with he's like not you guys him and they were like oh okay and he took me in the back and on in this frame he had the the the tail the cloth selections of the u.s presidents wow and they're framed in the back and he's like yeah i don't let
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
But also, I mean, I'm just saying this for not trying to be weird. It'd be nice to see Katie's tits. Because she was like, Nancy got super jealous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
he doesn't even let people see it so it's a specific cloth that he only gives them to that so like this is clinton's this was obama this was bush and like i just have it here and no one and we don't give it to anybody else once they get yeah so once that cloth is there that material for that they don't make for anybody else that's his yeah wow very cool and like i would look like there's i think like george senior in the in the shop yeah yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
There is. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, there's every, you have every reason to believe that like he has kids that they're going to carry on. Yes. Yeah. There's a lot of, a lot of pride in that, in that culture. Yeah. Well, I always feel like, dude, release day is a lot of fun. Like, congratulations. I know it feels fun, right? It's exciting that it's out. It's always like this. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
So what I'm saying is, Katie, how about a follow-up video?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's conflicting. Sometimes you're a little nervous about it. You have anxiety. But it's also like a celebration. So are you staying in town tonight?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
We want to have a good laugh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. Just giggling.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
No, I know. I already have tour ending anxiety coming up. Because I know this tour is going to end and I have to start at square one again. Will you take time off? Yeah. You've been touring for a long time with this tour. This one was 23. Or excuse me, started in 24. So this is... I thought, wait, Come Together. Yeah. It's not I'm Coming Everywhere. It's just a similar title.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
It's true, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah. End of this year is the end of this tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Party. Vacation. Get ripped. Get faded. Yeah, definitely take a trip. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Fucking go to Spain, meet those people. You got to go on to Temptation Island. Same sex attraction.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Very dark.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Thanks, Andrew.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Would you marry your grandson? Oh my god.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I'm excited to kick off my UK and Ireland tour this weekend. I'll be in Dublin this Saturday, March 15th at 3 Arena. Belfast for two shows at Waterfront Hall on March 16th. First show is sold out. We added a second show. Manchester at AO Arena March 19th. London at the OVO Arena Wembley March 20th. Glasgow at OVO Hydro March 21st. Nottingham at Motorpoint Arena March 22nd.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
She is on. White Mesh Live was last Friday. My beard's already grown back. What a hoot and what a fun time. Yes. We had incredible original content. We had Will Blunderfeld. We had our own Tanner in there. We had Duncan Trussell. We had Tony John.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
the ladies man was my favorite and 20 some odd stunned women who were like what in the fuck is this they were completely flabbergasted at that this was a real human being yeah uh charo Dipping her toe into OnlyFans with Alexis Fox.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Who she's, by the way, in love with. Charlo loves Alexis.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
She totally loves her. We had the original short film we made for her with Daniela Pineda. And Johnny Pemberton was in that. Ryan Sickler's in that. I make an appearance in it. So much fucking fun. And the great Dan Soder, one of the best comedians working today. So that was all... YMH Live 10, and you can see it right now by going to ymhtudios.com to watch the replay. I hope you do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
We put a lot of time, a lot of effort into it, and I hope you enjoy it. I hope it makes you laugh. You want to laugh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
Don't get mad at me, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
I want to laugh. Also, I was recently in Chicago. I want to say that was one of the greatest experiences I've had doing stand-up for a multitude of reasons. Look, I grew up... I was...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801
11 years old in 1990 and we moved to Milwaukee which is a couple hours from Chicago so Chicago we have the inferiority complex in Milwaukee like Chicago is like the place to be right you want it you want to go to Chicago and we would go to Chicago for a bunch of reasons I had some family in Chicago we went there for field trips to check out their museums and then
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
What is wrong with you? Here's the thing. I don't even want to revisit that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Also, that was before I became a Texan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
What is wrong with you? First of all, I feel like you're not telling the truth. Secondly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Jesus Christ, this guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Believe me. Whomever you show your new rock hard member to, they're going to notice that it is growing and it's harder than you've been. I am harder than I've been in years and I give full credit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's what everybody used to use.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Designed to awaken your senses, increase blood flow, and intensify intimacy, it's no surprise this gummy is a best-seller. To take things up a notch, Vaya just launched their High Love Bundle, which pairs the gummies with a THCA vape for the ultimate experience.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I don't know. I like it. I love it. I think it's very cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's unbelievable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Thank you. That's great. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Well, I think it's probably at this point he knows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
For so long, yeah. It's really incredible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Who?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Ladies, man, here. I've been blown out back since 96, bro. If you're a single female and you're local, hit my line, baby.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yes. That's so crazy. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He broke up. He's in a public restroom. He is letting you know that he is back on the scene. He's doing like Tony's John's.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. Blown out back since 96.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Woo. Giving out the phone number. Yeah. Publicly. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Single Tony is kind of the most fun song.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Here's the only concern that I have personally, because I am a Tony fan and I want to see Tony succeed. I don't know that that's just orange juice. I know. I'm thinking that he's not just a citrus fan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And I fucking hope it is not a screwdriver in a carry case. I know. I hope it is not a liter of a fucking screwdriver.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
What about you? Where are you with your period?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Benefit of the doubt. We need you sober and slinging dick out there. That's right. But we don't want you inebriated.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's true. I don't like him unemployed. Different men attract women in different ways. That's so true. There's certain guys that like, I don't know, some guys do this bullshit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Your man doesn't have a lean, energetic, strong physique. I don't like it. Get you off the pill and toxic cosmetics and build a purpose-driven business and lead, protect. He's one of those. It's not for me. But it's still an angle. It's just an angle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Same. I think we're cycled up again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Certain chicks are going to see that and be like, I like him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Men can have periods. A lot of people don't know that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Dress up like Tina?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
One of your goth heroes?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Look, Hitler, what he did was he got rid of the queers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I know. It's so weird. See, that's the thing, though. That's a different angle. Of course. One of those guys could totally seduce you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I don't think I'm going to stop bleeding because there's somebody else in the White House.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He's just thin. He's real thin.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I'm the opposite.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Totally.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
We will have to. Will you do it? No. Please. But we'll talk about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Look at that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Okay. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, he looks good. You definitely got it there. He looks good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But this aesthetic is exciting? Always.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But do you think it's because you know Robert Smith and his talent when you see this image?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, you do. You've always liked weirdos. Because you also liked that actor that you always liked. So many. No, the fucking guy. Dark hair, Buffalo 66 guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I forget.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That dude for real looks like Charles Manson. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Is that a still from a movie or just life with the denim, the dark denim on?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I mean, is that just like him out there? Because it's fucking great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You're like, yeah, he's an interesting guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I want you to die. What does he say? Oh, in the police. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, he plays the golden snake killer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I'm depressed too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And we are back and we are thrilled to bring back one of our favorite guests of all time. The great Tom Green, everybody. Oh, wow. This is amazing. You know, most people are content to have one new project. Why three? Is it greed? Is it just being greedy? Sounds very greedy. I need a documentary. I need a series. I need a special. I mean, how much did you fleece Amazon for in this negotiation?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. Do it. So, yeah, that was cool. Having her here was cool, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You know, it wasn't too bad. It wasn't too bad. Nice. But no, it was cool. It started out with a documentary about the... sort of the history of my show and stuff like that. And they all kind of tie together. They all tie together. There's a stand-up special which kind of talks about my new adventures on my farm in Canada.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Dude, I just saw the trailer. I saw the trailer for this. And it looks fascinating that you really decided to – you were an L.A. guy, obviously – well known as an entertainer and comedian. And then you're like, I'm out of here and I'm going to go to, I'm going to get a farm in Canada.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. I mean, it's interesting. Cause like I grew up in Canada. I didn't, I didn't leave Canada until I was 28 years old. So, and then I just ended up in LA when the show was on and, uh, Never left for 20 years, you know. But, I mean, I did love living in L.A. It was fun being there, and it was always good doing stand-up. It was a good time to be in L.A.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But I guess when the pandemic happened, I thought, I don't want to be in L.A. anymore. And so I moved back, found this farm, didn't really know anything about farming. That was going to be my question. Like, I didn't grow up as a farmer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
What did you know? Yeah. So I do enjoy the outdoors. I like going fishing, and nature, and being out in the wilderness, and stuff like that. So I basically found this place because I just kind of wanted to live out in the wilderness, because I'm still touring all the time. And when you come home, I thought, oh, it'd be cool to be not in the city. And so that's where it started.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But there's these two old barns on the property. And then you think, oh, maybe I should get a mule, right? That seemed like a logical thing to do. And then it just took off from there. But it's been best experience, best thing I've ever really decided to do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I'm so happy to have done it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
How long have you been on the farm now? It's basically this three and a half years, pretty much.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And do you feel like, because one of the things that I would...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
think after this amount of time is that you've learned a lot on that farm it's like starting with the mule the mule fan this is fanny i don't if people can see fanny here this is she is an incredible mule um and it started out you know the idea to get a mule for me was i was thinking oh that'd be kind of funny like because i i was picturing it looking like a more like a donkey yeah yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Pretty good. I had a pretty, well, a period dump, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Because a mule... That looks more like a horse. Yeah, it's a nice looking... No, a mule is half horse, half donkey. Oh. And I didn't know this. I didn't know that. So they have like one less chromosome than a horse and one more than a donkey. Or maybe it's the other way around because it's a hybrid. And so because of that, they're really smart and they're stubborn.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
People say they're stubborn, but they're really smart. And you sort of start to learn all this stuff about... uh, these animals in order to ride her, for example, like, you know, it's taken a, she didn't, she wouldn't turn left for about the first six months. I mean, she, cause she, she figured out that I knew, didn't know what I was doing and then she just wouldn't listen to me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So I had to kind of get some training and stuff, but, but now I've really kind of have this really close relationship.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
daily relationship where I get up and I ride her off into the wilderness and there's all sorts of places to ride on her around the property and it's the most relaxing thing because you know it's you know when you walk outside in nature it can kind of relax you because it sort of brings you back to your primal sort of instincts of being you know you know predators and you know
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, just, you know, fucking hormones, man. But yeah, other than that, I feel pretty good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
fight or flight and all this stuff but when you're on a mule you're also worried about like falling off and uh you know breaking your neck too so you're really it snaps you into the moment and just uh that's what i'm doing now i'm riding around on my mule and uh i love it but it's it's an amazing thing so a lot of it's been a daily sort of thing figuring out how to look after her and then and then lots of other stuff too do you grow food are you growing anything
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
just like a garden not it's not really hay we grow hay there's like hay fields that we cut crazy thing about you telling this is that i also i also would believe that this is an elaborate prank like if if you just revealed you let you we were like dude i don't have a fucking farm i'd be like god i wish it was in a way but then i wouldn't get to live there so yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
No, I mean, I've been thinking about this because I've been talking about the show a lot lately, you know, because it just came out last week. And, you know, people have suggested that it's maybe the most normal thing that I've done in my life. But I don't know. You know how when I started my show, we've talked about this before, but it was sort of back in the early days of video and stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, pretty good. It's exciting. I'm excited. Why don't we introduce this show? Yeah, yeah. Okay, I forgot. We haven't even done that. Yeah, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And, you know, going out in the street and doing this crazy, crazy stuff was kind of... you know, not as normal. But now you see it everywhere, right, on TikTok.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
People painting their parents' house and doing pranks and all this stuff. They're all doing that shit. And at a certain point, as I've gotten older, I thought, well, you know, because I can't really keep doing that, you know? And then you start to think, well, what would be... Probably the weirdest thing I could do would be to just go do something normal now, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Because it seems almost like there's so much weird shit out there. Maybe just to go do something normal might be weird.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
There's got to be people out there watching you do something normal and the whole time they're like, he's going to, there's going to be a turn here any second. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You know, but it's, it's, the show's really funny. I mean, it's, it's, it's my relationship with my parents is hilarious. They're on the show. You're so lucky to have your parents still. Yeah. And that, that's, that's really the main reason I moved back to Canada. And I, I thought, well, I'm going to move back to Canada, be close to my parents and my brother and,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And then... How far are they from you now?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
They're about like 30 minutes away. Oh, perfect. And so they're actually at the farm right now. And, you know, I've got... You know, so it's great. But, yeah, so they're on the show. And they're hilarious. Like, they get all the big laughs on the show. I mean, they're kind of... The tables have turned a bit. They're kind of razzing me on the show now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I'm not pulling pranks on them and stuff anymore. They're sort of... They may pull a prank on me on the show. I don't want to give it away. But if you watch the show, they may sort of flip it around on me a little bit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. But it's... And also, you know, I shot all the shows too. So it's like, you know, I get my cameras and I'm still doing... You know, I always like this tech stuff, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Like we're talking about the microphone before the show. So I get my cameras and I'm really kind of... enjoying just the creative, you know, process of filming and directing these shows. I directed these shows. The last thing I directed was Freddie got fingered. So, you know, it's going to be, it's going to be good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's going to be like good. Like Freddie got fingered. Legendary.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. It's a classic. Exactly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Exactly. So this, cause you did inspire so many people to do weird and prank stuff. Like one of the things we do, we encourage people to, to go to Starbucks. And then in like the latest one, because we've done different versions of this, is we try to tell them, please use a British accent. Please say happy. Like a bad one. Yeah, like a Cockney. Say happy birthday. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And try to say I love you if you can also. And then we have people send in videos of them doing it. So people have been submitting. So this is like an example of what people have been sending in for us. Oh, nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Hello.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Happy birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, my gosh. Have you heard...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I like that he, that guy was like, yeah. Yeah. Have you heard from Starbucks?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Not yet. Not yet. This has got to be starting to kind of, like they must be starting to wonder at this point, like if every Starbucks- Is this worldwide? Are British people, when they go to Starbucks, are they talking in an American accent?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's a really good, because we actually told them, I think last week we were like, hey, if some people feel like their British is so bad, we're like, just do a different accent. don't speak in your natural accent. And then I think adding happy birthday is such a curveball to somebody who's like, why are you saying happy birthday to me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, they say happy birthday to the Starbucks?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, yeah. Everybody, okay. Yeah, you just have to say happy birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I love you was a really interesting one though because it throws people sometimes. I'd pull up and be like, I love you. And they were like... What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Everybody's filming it and putting it up online, right? So, okay. It's a very, it's kind of a nice prank, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's one thing. Exactly. Which is cool. Like, I mean, it's sort of, nobody's getting hurt here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's actually just kind of a nice accent to hear. It probably even improves the day of the Starbucks employee. You know, we've got a lot of these nice British tourists here, and it's very kind of positive. This guy did a nice one. Upbeat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He's doing, like, little inside stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
In English.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
A little Paul McCartney in there for a second.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He's really getting some good ones.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
No. They're all show references. Show references. Oh, okay, okay. So he's really keeping it like inside baseball.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
His accent's also fading, which I love.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Has he appeared on the show before? He's going to be stoked about this, too. He's just rose to the top of the pack of British Starbucks ordering pranksters. Exactly. That's amazing. Well, yeah, that's always was... I tried a few things like that back in the day. It's so much fun when you get people involved, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And I'm actually kind of impressed, though, that it's such a nice sort of warm thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's a nice one, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's nothing too crazy about it. Maybe you could probably make it a little crazier. You could make it crazier. You could probably get them to throw something. Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Throw some cheese at them or something. No, no, I'm just kidding. It's nicer like this. Because you don't want people getting hurt, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You don't want to send people out to get hurt. No, no, no. We did, when I did a college radio show before my show, I started when I was not in college, but I guess I was in high school. I went down to the university station and I started this radio show. In Ottawa. And it was midnight till two in the morning. And it was the only time slot they would give me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And at two in the morning, I'd say to everyone listening, meet me on Parliament Hill in Canada, on the front lawn of the Parliament buildings. Bring a soccer ball and some pizza. And we'd go play soccer on the front lawn of the Parliament buildings.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
At 2 a.m.?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
At 2 a.m. till the sun came up, basically. How many people would come out? Like 60 people would come up. Yeah, it was pretty cool. And it sort of became this thing that we did for a few years there. Well, you know, not every week, but, you know, we probably did it 20 times or something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
How many of the 60 were you concerned about? Were you like, this guy is fucking... There'd be a few, right? The guy listening at 1.30.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It was always kind of people that... I find anybody that ever got involved or engaged in things like that were usually pretty kind of creative people like these guys. And they kind of were into the spirit of it. I mean, there hasn't been too many situations where it was...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
A lot like today, you know, where it's online and you read, I don't know if you see the kind of things that come in online, it gets a little nutty sometimes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
A lot of the pranks now are like to really elicit, almost like elicit violence and get people, I feel like it's, I don't know, I don't find it that. It seems to me like. There's a guy that bumps into people. And then when people are like, what the fuck, he has a bodyguard?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
The guy that just beefs in front of chicks. It's a fart machine. And that's really, he's like, welcome to the barbecue. Leslie Nielsen used to do that all the time. This is comedy. Farting machines are real comedy. Another one that I feel like is not mean, but it's so funny. This guy is in a clothing store, and he's asking for pants that they don't have, a size they don't have.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And then they just keep asking. And the guy's like, we don't have that. And then he's like, well, what kind do you want? And the guy's like, this 35-30. He's like, yeah, we have zero. He's like, no, not a zero. We want a 35-30. And they just keep going back and forth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's interesting how things going on too long has become sort of quite fun to watch. It's fun. I did a video once that was just a throwaway thing that was on my public access show. I don't think it even aired on MTV because MTV re-aired the stuff from the old show. And it's now become one of the most...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
brought up videos where I went to Subway, and I just ordered a sub, and then I said, oh, can I have a little more lettuce, please? Can I have a little more tomato? Okay, just a little more black olives, please. A little salt and pepper, some oil. Can I have a little extra mayonnaise? Can I have a little more lettuce? But it went on for like 20 minutes, right? It was in the sub district.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Hello. What's everybody? It's another show. We're here. We're excited. We have an incredible guest today. Um, we got a lot of cool things to show you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And this is one of these things where I'm hearing that Subway's been having people doing this. Yeah, yeah. Just a little more. But it was a nothing bit. It was a nothing bit. And then all of a sudden YouTube, it's like the one that popped on YouTube more than any of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's sort of the loophole. That's what I felt was kind of like the interesting loophole. Because there's nowhere there's a sign where it says you can't have a little more lettuce. Like there's no rule. And it's a little more subjective. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. I redid this. Exactly. And notice in 1994, they don't wear the gloves either.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That also helps that you're very polite.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And some mayonnaise, I guess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And your tone. I guess I want some.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's funny to me that we're actually watching this in its entirety right now. We're not only annoying everybody back then, but we're annoying everybody now as well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Just scroll to the end of this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's it. Oh, he stopped you there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I actually forgot whether he drew the line or not or whether I quit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I don't know, but I tell you, that was a good song. You had to push that guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That sweet man, you pushed him to the point where he goes, that's it. That's it, man. I'm not doing any of this anymore. Something about- You already got 17 sandwiches worth in this sandwich. Yeah. That's it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I think that started out, that idea started out out of necessity, you know, because I didn't have much money when I was a kid and we'd go skateboarding. We were hungry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So it was like, you get a nice extra salad out of the deal. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But- Yeah, there's something fun about like razzing fast food places.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Because everybody relates to it, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Everybody can get involved.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. But there's like, it's funny because there's this like line too. I mean, think about it. Because nobody wants you to be like a dick to like an hourly wage person. Right. But there's something like endearing about, you're just at, you're not demanding. That's a big like factor in it. Yeah. You're like, I guess I'll have a little more of that. Your tone was great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's an interesting point because I've thought about this quite a bit over the years because, you know, when I was a kid there, like, you know, that guy was making a lot more money than I was. You know, like, I didn't have a job. I was just running around with a video camera and I was living in my parents' basement and, you know, razzing people in the street or messing with people, the subway.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Like, I was punching up, you know what I mean? Like, this was like, this wasn't, you know... Me going around messing with people in the same way. It kind of felt like speaking truth to power. Like talking to the subway guy. This guy's like a real sort of established member of our society that keeps society running. And I was just a kid in my parents' basement without a job. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I was going around. I would apply it more to security guards. We'd razz security guards a lot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Everybody hates security guards.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, and they'd kick us out of places for skateboarding and stuff like that. Charlie, come here. Come here. Come. My dog Charlie's with me. Come here, Charlie. Come. I should have introduced everyone. Being young and going and doing pranks on the street and being young and broke and doing pranks on the street, it felt like less mean. So that's, I think, kind of a distinguishing thing, I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You know, you see like everybody now has the phone. They can shoot perfect audio and video and sort of the... Ability to enter this sort of world has gotten so much easier for people that you do get the people you're talking about who just haven't really thought it through. They're just trying to do something. Let's go up and punch somebody or be mean. But I've been...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That was Bryce Mitchell on episode one of his podcast, Ark Insanity, with Bryce Mitchell and Roly Delgado. I think the best part of this whole thing is watching the other guy the whole time be like... It's like, what did I just get into? Yeah, he's like, this is our first episode? What is this guy talking about?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
guilty of watching a lot of this stuff. Like, I actually really like watching... I talk about this in my stand-up special, but I'm not doing a bit, but I do watch Karens getting arrested and tased a lot. I do enjoy that. I watch Karens getting arrested and tased. It's something that I really enjoy. And it's sort of mean, because... Yeah. You're not sure who is the instigator here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Is the Karen the one that started it? Or is this sort of the mischievous young prankster sort of?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, they're not pranksters. She definitely started it. Started it, yeah. She got arrested.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Okay, good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But then sometimes it's people capitalize on somebody who's maybe a little bit sort of, you know, because you can wind a Karen up pretty easily. She goes to throw her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. Oh, she really took a smack at him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
See, yeah, I can't. I love this. I love watching this stuff. I can't really. Oh, wow. She's really nice. Yeah. She's the guy's grabbing her, too. This is. Well, he's like, stay away from my lady. But the thing I kind of wonder is, is the guy also kind of like sort of realizes, hey, this is some good content for my TikTok, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So they kind of troll them in a little bit, which is also kind of fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He's trying to get his lady away from her. Yeah. Holy crap.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, my gosh. See, at this point, this guy has to realize that, you know, it's probably not a fair fight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, she came at them, though. I know. She was locked up for this. Oh, cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
The older lady was. The older lady was locked up? Yeah. Wow. Because she really... She got physical.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
She really hurt that guy, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
She really smacked him pretty good. She's going to throw a hot coffee at him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
This is sort of our society just sort of crumbling, basically, is what's happening. Well, she got the story. He's wearing a Palestine shirt. That's what fired her up. Oh, okay. So it was political, too? Yeah, it got political, too. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, I do find myself sort of watching a lot of this. I watch mostly TikTok now is pretty much what I watch now. I can't stop watching it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, you can turn off your algorithm. It'll sabotage your algorithm. I'd like to turn my algorithm off. You know what's interesting is that we actually have some TikToks that-
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But I like to highlight the marginalized communities, people without a voice. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I'm sweating me buttocks off. Other than that, it's all right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
His review of the Taj Mahal. Yeah. And he has to take a shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's all right. It's all right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. Here's the rest of it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
This actual modern Marvel. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
One of the eight wonders of the world. It's all right. I got to take a shit. There you go. It's fucking hot, man. I keep sweating. And you're sure that's not on your algorithm? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Okay. What could possibly be causing her back issues?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's ridiculous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I mean, they're definitely like she did something there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
There's something going on for sure. That's what I'm saying. They're beautiful. Oh, boy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, yeah. Come on. Why do people do these things? I can't. Oh, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Look at that, dude. Yeah, but the end results are so cool, dude. It is so worth it. I can't even look at that. It's so worth it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Tom, come on. I can't even look at that. To me, that just makes me so... Sad, really, to think that. Really, you like that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I just feel like the idea that you're going to realize at some point that you want to sort of change your mind. Probably hard to do tattoo removal on the whites of your eyes, too. It probably is. That ink stays in there pretty well. You can't go in and do the Pete Davidson, just remove 200. I saw him on Fallon the other day. He just removed all of his tattoos. He did?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Like 200 tattoos, and he's been doing it for a year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He's been doing tattoo removal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. I don't have a tattoo. I don't have one tattoo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Get my gift fanny. I could see that, yeah. I could see that. It really is something, though. Next time you guys are up in Canada on tour, you're going to come by the farm. Oh, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Where is it exactly?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
We'll go ride some mules. It's sort of outside of Ottawa, in the Ottawa Valley. No, give me the address. Yeah, exactly. I'll give it to you later for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He's just showing you his lunch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And eggnog, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's true. That's true. That's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Well, that's true. You get to see some real authentic stuff now online that we didn't get in television where they had sort of professional writers and producers putting together things that are interesting to watch. Wait, you're trying to tell me, okay. But I like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But you get so used to that over a whole lifetime growing up watching all this really interesting stuff that it becomes uninteresting. Yeah, yeah. And now to see something that is just sort of mundane is also kind of exciting. Well, I agree. That's kind of what I'm saying about moving to the farm and just doing something normal. Right, yeah. It seems kind of like a little bit new.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I was expecting it to be. That's not eggnog. I was expecting something like that. But no, it's just eggnog and a steak.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I ate this part of the steak. I can reheat it later.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And it's nice. We get to see it to people's places and see how people live. And he looks like he's doing good. So. It's got a nice place there and makes me feel okay about, you know, the way my kitchen normally looks. Although I'm engaged now. I have a fiance now. So my house is like a lot. She's very, she helps me organize my life. Amanda does.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So my kitchen used to look like that, but not anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's very possible, very possible, yeah. We haven't decided exactly what we're doing yet, but yeah. Exciting. We just got engaged right before Christmas. It's very exciting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And we're traveling around in my camper van, so I'm sure she's really excited about that. We're living in a van right now. Women love vans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And they love sleeping in them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Absolutely. That's how we met. I pulled up in the van. I said, get in. And no, actually, we met on Instagram.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Uh-uh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So I moved back to the farm. And there's a pond on the farm that, of course, being Canadian, I thought, well, I've got to play hockey on the pond in the winter. So we had the pond built. made a little video of me playing hockey on the pond, and she saw that. She lives in the area. She sent me a video of a do-it-yourself Zamboni, which is what you use to clean the ice. You know this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You're Canadian. Sure. And that's how we met. The most Canadian way to meet ever.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So Canadian. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And so now we're... I'm doing a stand-up tour right now. So I was just at the mothership last night all weekend. And then before that, we were in Dallas and Chattanooga and Oklahoma City and just traveling. That's awesome. Doing spots. And now we're going to take off and do some camping.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And then drive back up to Canada. So... I have not been enjoying getting on planes as much this last few years. So I've started driving more to the gigs. You enjoy it? I enjoy it. I enjoy not going to the airport and I've been sort of routing the show so I can just kind of go one to the other.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It ruins everything, the airport. I want to fly to lunch. I wish I could fly everywhere.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You probably can fly to lunch, right? You probably have a jet parked out back or something at this point, probably. Come on, man. Yeah, I do. This is so incredible, though. I mean, it's just so amazing to see what you guys have done here. I mean, I don't even really understand how it all works. I mean, you must be producing a lot of shows here and stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, there's a few things, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, because I was at the studio where? I was at the studio in... Was that your house too, though, right? Did I do the show at your house? No. Did you do it in Reseda? Did you do the house one? We did do it at the house. Oh, did it at your house, and then I also did it at- We did it at Woodland Hills.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
yeah yeah he came out dana ripped his ass like in a press conference he was like he's like he goes dana started his press conference going he goes you know i've been around a lot of dumb fucking people but it's a great intro this is the dumbest fucking person that we've ever encountered so scroll up a little bit actually oh i'm sorry i sounded insensitive i definitely was not trying to offend anybody of course not
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, it was right before you got your other house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Now, was that the first time you set up your studio at home, obviously? No. Did you imagine this? Did you visualize and sort of manifest this entire empire?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I don't know how this... It all came slowly together, but each move was always kind of like an upgrade in how you do the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's amazing. There's a clip that's been kind of circulating from my Web-O-Vision show. I called it Web-O-Vision. It was before podcasting was called podcasting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It was, well... Technology was all changing, and I thought, you know, because I'd always made my own show, like on public access, it was me making the show. And then, you know, the internet was happening. We always used to upload audio clips onto my website and things like that back in the 90s, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And my friends, Glenn Humplick, who was on my show, the co-host on my show, and Phil Giroux, they're computer guys. So going back to early days, growing up, doing the show back in the 90s, they were tech entrepreneurs. And my dad was a computer guy too. So they were kind of always looking at video, how fast the internet has to be until we can actually stream video on the internet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So we were just kind of waiting for it to happen, waiting for it just to be able to send video on the internet. And then all of a sudden it was possible. And so I just made Freddy Got Fingered, right? And then after you make a movie like that, if you want to do a TV show, you have to build a studio in your living room. That's the only way to make a TV show after you make a movie like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So necessity kind of was the reason for it. But then so we did it. But then Joe comes on the show, and I remember he's sort of looking around. There's this really cool clip of him, and he says, oh, man, this is great. You know, you don't need a network executive. Someone's just got to figure out how to make money doing this, right? And then, of course, Joe figured that out, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And I'm playing at a strip mall in Chattanooga.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's interesting because I was being in L.A. doing it and I started inviting just everybody up, you know, all the comics and stuff. And and it was really kind of fun. But, you know, there was no revenue stream at the time. I mean, I was I had a couple little deals here and there, but like they were they were.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
barely covering the cost of just like my one employee and the cameras and the internet was expensive, you know, the high-speed internet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, it had to be back then.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, we had to get like sort of super bonded T1 lines brought up into the Hollywood Hills and all this stuff. But it was kind of, yeah, it was pretty... Pretty exciting, though. We had a lot of weird shit happen back then, because it was live, and you've got to kind of imagine going live with Joe Rogan or whoever we had on that week, and you're the only live show on the internet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Like there was no live... Instagram didn't exist yet. There was no live streaming on YouTube or anything. So we were literally the only live show on the internet. And there was a lot of people watching. We'd get a lot of people... The stream would crash at first.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
We had to figure out how to make the... Did you have an idea of how people were watching?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But I know I did. I know that a lot of people died in the Holocaust. That's a fact. Hitler did a lot of evil things. I think we can all agree on that. I'm definitely not a Nazi. Definitely do not condone any of the evil things that he did. I'm talking about the cool shit he did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Like did you have... Yeah, there were like millions of people watching on various platforms. Because we would play... It would then be posted on my website. And it was...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, you got to remember, there was no YouTube, so there was a company in San Francisco called bitgravity.com, and they were basically a CDN, content distribution network, and they were basically making servers that you can upload video to and then embed it on your website, right? Mm-hmm. And they weren't even really making it for broadcast. They were making it for just various uses, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And so now we had a- Probably like training videos and information. Yeah, just websites and things like that. And so we were sort of doing this sort of entertainment type show. But I remember, so I had to pay per click, right? And it was, you know, initially we weren't getting very many people watching. And then this was in the MySpace era, so we then started embedding
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
This was right when they came up with the idea you could get an embed code, embed the – this is probably really inside baseball here. But you could embed it on the MySpace page.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And so we started doing that. And at the end of the month, I got a bill for $75,000. Fuck. Right? And I called them up, and I believe I actually was crying, actually, when I called them up. I can't. And then they actually let me off. Then they did a sponsorship deal with me. They did? Oh, wow. They didn't make me pay for it, which was really cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It's Charles.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, because it was just like, you know, it was millions and millions and millions of downloads. And, you know, the price structure was set for like – If you have 10,000 downloads, that'll be... So that was... And I remember one day, I replay this in my head quite often, actually. We were sitting there in my bedroom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I had a bedroom that was sort of the studio where we had all the computers and everything. I'm on my computer and I get an email on the website. It's somebody, hey, we're up in San Francisco. We really love what you're doing, man. It's like really cool, you know. You should come check out what we're doing up here and maybe do something with us. And I'm like... Oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
We're just doing our own thing here. Yeah, thanks. Nice meeting you. And then it was YouTube. These guys from YouTube. In their apartment up there in YouTube. Oh, yeah, that's cool. You keep doing it. Yeah. In my mind, I was thinking, yeah, I'm doing something. Oh, you do your thing. We'll do our thing over here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That happened a few times over the years where I go, oh, maybe I probably should have gone up and met those guys. But anyways, it was fun. And then all of a sudden, the technology started to catch up and people were streaming everywhere. But we had some pretty fun early days. We built a switch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I had some guys working with me who were kids out of film school who were really smart and they would figure out how to build...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, man, the good stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
weird weird shit that we'd come up with like we had a switch under the desk that we sort of soldered like there was a soldering gun involved and it it hooked up to the whole studio and you would flip the switch and all the cameras would come on the lights would come on the computer would start recording uh another computer would you know tell the you know at the when you turned it off it would then record it and then post it it was doing all this sort of
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Linux sort of computer code talking to each other. But it was really basically set up so I could get up in the middle of the night and walk out into the living room and flip the switch and the whole studio would come on. I'd be by myself and then there was a switcher on the table and the phone would start ringing and I'd just do these things. And so I would get up
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
This is probably why it didn't take off, I think, because I would get up and I would put clown makeup on, usually at around 1 in the morning, just sort of whenever I felt like it, which was usually at once a week. I would sort of get the urge to get up. I'd put my clown makeup on, and then I would go out, and it was the French clown of midnight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I would speak en français parce que je parle français parce que je suis Canadien. And I'd go out, and I'd just, every once in a while, you'd tune on, and at midnight, there'd be a two-hour...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
clown speaking french to people calling just french just french yeah and uh and uh yeah so it might have been just a little too obtuse i think for uh for people but uh that's so amazing dude but uh but no it was uh it was fun for sure but uh there was something fun about it being kind of uh you know just sort of just doing it and uh we had a lot of a lot of uh pretty uh
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Like one of the things was we had a group of people who were essentially, their life became about pranking the show, right? And so there's a phone on the desk and they would call and they would say, do a barrel roll, which is what this thing was. It was from 4chan. It was this online, you know, sort of their, you know,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I don't know if there will be a second episode. Because your second episode would have to be all about your first episode. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
big chat room basically right so they would call up and say do a barrel roll or rick rolling they would rick roll and so this was this was sort of the beginning of the end of the taking phone calls thing but it was it came kind of like a thing where it was I wasn't really sure if I was creating this what would you do when they well I would I would feign anger to the point like I was angry
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
but then I would make it way worse. And so we sort of had this ongoing kind of, you know, war basically going on, which was fun. But, you know, I think now that there's so many places for people to prank, it wasn't, it's not as, it sort of became a, yeah, I mean, if you, I get people going on my social media now every day saying do a barrel roll. Like they're still mad about it. Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Tom Green, can you do a barrel roll for me? There we go, do a barrel roll, yeah. A barrel roll?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Um, that's so good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
A barrel roll?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You think meth really turned Hitler bad? That also might be... You know, sometimes you hear sentences... That might be the first time that sentence was ever spoken. Like, ever in the history of humanity. Hitler would be a cool guy. Before Hitler was on meth, that's a guy I'd go fishing with. Oh, yeah, here's... This was great, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I have a feeling this probably doesn't go anywhere, by the way. A barrel roll. But... A barrel roll.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Likely goes on for about half an hour, but... That's you also dealing with it in the moment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, yeah. Repeating it. Oh, yeah, and, you know, it was... There was this feeling of... even though we would have a lot of people watching, ultimately, when you were live, it wasn't necessarily...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I don't know, there was this sort of anonymity to it, even though there was ultimately a lot of people would watch the videos when we post them, but there was this sort of feeling that you could sort of say anything on the internet back then, and it wasn't really being watched by the... You couldn't get canceled for saying something wrong or something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Not that we made a habit of going out and saying things you're not supposed to say, but there was this sort of feeling of like, nobody's watching this, which was kind of... Nice, actually. You know, it was kind of, you know, it's, you know, you could experiment and not worry about, you know, you know, screwing up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. Charlie, look at this. Look at this girl here. Come here. Come here, Charlie. It's my dog, Charlie. Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Did Charlie fart earlier? That was me, actually. That was you? It was probably Charlie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It was a good fart. I just thought that was the thing to say.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Charlie identifies as... Identifies as a girl. She's a girl. But... Huh? but yeah she's uh she's a rescue she's named after john steinbeck's travels with charlie because uh we're she's beautiful her first year of her life we spent out in the desert uh in uh in the van but uh yeah she's uh she's got a sweet face yes rescues are special too She comes on stage with me on all my shows too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, I think I saw a clip of that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
She's gotten to the point now where she just sits there in a little chair and enjoys the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Doesn't get thrown by noise or anything like that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
In the beginning she did, you know, in the beginning she did, but she's pretty cool with it now. In fact, I'd say that she actually looks forward to the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I can tell at show time, you know, when we're doing shows every night, before the show, and then she hears the crowd. I see her hear the crowd, and then she walks towards the stage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And it's a nice thing. That's very cool. Here's something nice to kind of take us out on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He's okay. Yeah, that's not good. Nice. Golf cart jumps are fun, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That could have been a rascal, yeah. That's a motorcycle, isn't it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
That's the worst. Really where the damage is done. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, boy. Oh, that's a broken neck right there. Come on, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
How many people must be... What are they feeding that lawn? Have they statistically done any sort of studies on how many people have been permanently... Paralyzed by, you know, because of social media, because of this desire, because of these phones, and, you know, of course, this sort of trend, I guess, of doing this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, because of you guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Ah!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Wow. You know what? It was all worth it. He made it onto your mom's house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. It's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yes. Is he okay? I don't think so. I know. I don't think so. Scranning.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Scranning. Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh. So do you know what happened to him?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I think he's okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Poor guy. Oh, he's walking. He's got a back break.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He'll make that jump the next time he tries it. This is the injury report. Ready? Eight broken ribs, pelvis broken in two spots, fractured C4, C5, and C7 neck, double brain bleed, 23 broken bones in right shoulder, medically induced coma for three days. He's been recovering for three years now, and he's back to doing wheelies and basic stunts. Oh, good. Well, that's good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Just living.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Don't want to give up on those dreams of making that jump. Scott Kranach.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, that's, I always had sort of a, like I skate, I was a skateboarder. I loved skateboarding and I always, you know, did jumps and stuff, but I always sort of had something in my mind that said, okay, that's the limit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Did I get my period? I got mine right before we started. No, I haven't. At the break. I'm right on the... I'm about to. I can tell that it's like... I got to track mine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
A lot of times our periods sync up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, yeah. Nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So how's Garth Brooks doing? Has he gotten a hold of you? Or has there been some sort of... Any sort of resolution to that? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You know what's interesting is that... We heard through personal contacts that he was very unamused by this. And then shortly thereafter, there's alleged accusations by his former makeup artist that he allegedly did things to her that are very, very...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You were sort of suggesting he was a serial killer, I think is what it was. Was that the suggestion? I don't know. I don't want to. Allegedly, you suggested that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
What I allegedly said was that allegedly that people had gone missing that kind of lined up perfectly with certain tour dates.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It was just a fun sort of observation, right? It wasn't meant to be taken seriously, I don't think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I also noted that he had some very notably awkward just personality traits. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Chris Gaines was an interesting choice as well. You said it. But a great country artist and incredible legend of our time, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Because I just put out a country album. That's why I brought it up. So I was tying it into myself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
In addition to... Go check it out. It's called Home to the Country, and you can hear it, and it's available everywhere right now that you get country music.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And you get... This is the Tom Green documentary, which he directed. The Tom Green country series. Oh, wow. And the stand-up special, I Got a Mule. Yep.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And an album. And an album, yeah. And the album is the...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
soundtrack to the show and we record it there's this incredible legendary band from canada called the tragically hip who yes i know yeah so absolutely so uh we recorded it all in their studio and and the music sounds great so go check out home to the country when you do you ever do this thing like when you introduce yourself to people do you go you know i'm a director a producer you know i'm saying i'm a choreographer i do i i got music i make music yeah with that with that uh accent i don't i was just making up an accent no it's good yeah absolutely uh i don't
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
You like that? Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I don't know if I do introduce myself like that, but at one point, I think I had that on my Twitter because I saw that's what you're supposed to do. I put director. Now it just says goofball.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Oh, that's better. Goofball's my favorite. You know, Hitler was a goofball. A lot of people don't know that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Well, maybe I'll have to change it back to what it was before, I guess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
have you ever seen before we press play on this have you ever seen this this is Garth's introduction to social media I think I may have seen it on your show maybe on ours but it's been a long time since I've seen it this is when this is when we first learned kind of how because I followed this sort of what's been going on because I watch the show this is when he joined Facebook I guess it's official we're now on Facebook I really wasn't sure about this at the start but then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I see. Okay, maybe I haven't seen that, but yeah. That's one. It goes on. It's much longer, but you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
It feels like it's the beginning of sort of mainstream media colliding with independent media, and there's sort of a way that things were always written and done before, and it doesn't really translate to... You also feel the discomfort inside of you. I don't think that that guy is like a serial killer or anything like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I really like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I really, because it's just such an absurd thing to suggest, which is what's hilarious about it. But I would think that maybe he would have to come on. Maybe he could get Chris Gaines to come on the show. You know, we've reached out multiple times.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And the feedback we got was no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Well, I think it would probably serve at least Chris Gaines well to come on the show and let bygones be bygones. I'd like to see that. I believe that will happen someday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I hope it happens. Tom Green, I have to go to the flyport, so I have to run. Thanks, man. It's always great to see you, man. So good. Thank you for coming in. Appreciate you having me on. Make sure you check out the documentary, the series, the special, and the album. Damn. Dang. You know what I'm saying? I make music and shit. And maybe stop by the farm. I want to come see the mule.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Uh, let me hear it. We got it here. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
He then went on to say, it was great, though, because he was like, he's like, you know, yeah, he can say it because you can say what you want. He goes, but what's great is that, you know, he will be in the octagon and then everybody can just cheer for him to get the shit kicked out of him. Yeah, that's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I did my own research.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Not the indoctrinated bullshit they feed you about Hitler being a knucklehead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
he wasn't everyone's got their alternate stuff it's pretty cool people always saying this guy was up to no good i found out he was burning queer books and that's cool that is cool yep yep yes yeah yeah unreal hanging out the kids gaying out the kids yeah they're always worried about gaying out the kids yep this is the biggest concern women they were queering out the dudes
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Nope. Um,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
They get really upset about that. People who wear camo really fear it the most. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
The other thing that all hillbillies think too is that any gay man wants to fuck them. Them. Yeah, them in particular. Like 330 pounds, just like fucking gut hanging out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
face looks like it's fucking god shit grow like mold and shit growing and they're like i don't want no fucking gay guy trying to fuck me like no one's trying to fuck you man nobody gay guys straight guys straight women gay women no one wants to fuck nobody wants to fuck you nobody come around here see me naked try to fuck me i don't think so they're so afraid What do you think is going to happen?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I do hope he keeps it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Is he going to keep it up? Did they already announce that they're canceling? Because that would be a shame.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, that'd be fucking rad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah, let's just see. I mean, maybe type in the, yeah. Okay. He's probably got some views on episode one. Right? Only one episode. That's too bad. Threw in the towel, huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Got to get it going, bud. Oh, man. Well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
What can you do?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
So, yeah, there's some stuff I want to show you. Where did I... I'm looking for this very awesome person. I don't want to... I don't want to... Oh, yeah, look.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
How's your period? It's good. Well, it's coming on. I can feel it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
But the snot thing I thought was pretty cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And it's cool to upload. Right. After you have it, you can go like, should I?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
um just like some hot flashes and uh you know i'm starting to cramp and i can just feel i just want it to start so bad yeah yeah the anxiety of it before it comes is the worst it's the worst i can't wait for menopause yeah what period are you using an app to track your cycle yeah yeah what's the app uh keep bleeding yeah yeah what do you use um period tracker Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Also, have you ever seen this skill before? There's so many like talented people out there and you just, that's the cool thing. I mean, Dana was saying the bad thing about the internet social media is The good thing is that you discover talents.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
I guess he's a professional throat whistler.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Look at that captivated audience.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Look at that kid.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
wow that kid's trying to whistle he was like yeah everybody's like how is he doing this yeah we don't know how he's doing it here's the thing that's 1984 yeah right that's 40 years ago guess what what he's still doing no yeah he's still doing it wow i bet his talent got even better
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
Yeah. That's Ralph Whistle on Instagram.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom Green Wants Garth Brooks Closure | Your Mom's House Ep. 797
And I've lost myself on his page before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789
Tanner, what's he saying in Filipino? What's he saying? He's saying, ouch, this kind of hurts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789
Welcome to your mom's house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789
Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
What's up, everybody? It's Tom Segura. Tickets for my fall dates of the Come Together Tour are on sale right now. You can get them. No code words, no special signs, no handshakes. Just go to tomsegura.com slash tour and pick up those tickets. I will see you there this fall. A whole bunch of cities have been added. Thank you, I love you, and I will see you there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's how you get a bitch to give you that asshole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Don't say if we wanted to. We want to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
We want to and we're going to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
No, no. The doctor said if you're going to butt fuck, do it in the next 48 hours.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I do. I think they empty themselves out more.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. Enemas.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Remember how routine when we had, we asked Pierce.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
We can figure it out today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. Do you want to hear any of their thoughts?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, I don't think that's, I am insanely jealous that you got anesthesia.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, yeah. I mean, that's just what you're talking about. He's not some beta goofy ass fucking lame old green bitch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I mean, this is, listen, if you're out there, if you're a young guy, if you're trying to like, what's going on with the ladies, this is who I would listen to. This guy's going to set you up for success.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Tom Likas.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Because it's my favorite thing and it's the only thing I haven't really reached out to somebody for. I'm trying to find a doctor that'll do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
First date, he was like, take him to Burger King.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Right? Yeah. Like, bitch, this is all you're worth. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
There's no worries.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You got a while. You got a while. Stop looking stuff up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Get that real bitch something for her day, you know? Tell that bitch thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, 100%. And by the way, I'll pay. I'll pay cash. I'll do what you want. I want you to come to the house. I want you to give me propofol.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I don't think you have to sleep in one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You think so?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, I think the staff's pretty excited about this. You guys ready to do that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You down to fart, Niana?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I'm good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. I smell like a gutter on Bourbon Street in July after I work out, and you deserve freedom from sweat and stink. Cremo's deodorant is designed to provide men with 48-hour odor protection. Cremo products are all barber-grade and made with pride, professionalism, and passion to guarantee you quality without compromise. Elevate your deodorant experience with Cremo's two latest signature scents.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, you just need a doctor to monitor you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Italian bergano is bright, fresh, and robust, showcasing notes of bergano, neroli blossom, and fresh vetivel. Palo Santo is deep, smoky, and refined, featuring notes of palo santo, bright cardanum, and dry papyrus. It's absolutely fantastic smelling. I have their deodorant, I have their body wash, and now I smell delightful. And you are welcome to see me in person and take a whiff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Cremo also offers a wide range of other grooming products for men, including shave cream, beard oil, and shampoo. Head to Target or Target.com to find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants in the Italian Bergamon and Palo Santo scents. Once again, that's Target or Target.com.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, that guy was there all the time. I don't know if he spent the night all the time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Who says yes?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Love, I see it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
His tolerance went way, way up because he was able to metabolize the propofol in increasing amounts so quickly that they had to keep ramping it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I don't believe that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
that's like that real end yeah yeah that's how you gotta do it yeah check this out by the way i'm so fascinated by this check this shit out the original um the original video of rpc is here right black guys love the fucking fuck good if you're a hot black guy you want to fuck me at 23.95 you can see where he's laying and all that stuff the christmas decorations he just put up a new video look
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's so cool. He has never wavered from who he is. That's my favorite thing about RPC.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
This is over a decade of this. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
If it were me, I would be so sad if I had put out this ad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And you're like, who's come over? I'm like, no one's ever come over. That's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, if you go to a bar and you just ask people out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Eventually someone says yes, right? Like there's got to be some percentage of yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You don't have to be able to fuck good. Just fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He's just saying it's open to anything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And he lives in a black and Latino neighborhood.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I went there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, we went there during the day. Yeah, of course you did. Yeah, we were like, what are you guys making? We were like, we should fucking wrap this shit up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Imagine you're the doctor that killed Michael Jackson.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I didn't walk in. He didn't answer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, we rang the buzzer and he didn't answer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He came and visited me. Oh, yeah. In my unit. In your room. Wow. We fucked and we just had a good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I didn't almost swallow it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
My roogies are awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yep. Pretty cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Uh, this is experiment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He did have to serve some time, but I don't know what ultimately.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. Everybody's on the roogies. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I've also had people who are like, Oh, I do another brand. And I'm like, try the roogies out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Rogue. Rogie roogies. Yeah. My roogie roogies.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
So much better for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Um,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
It took him years to put up another one of these.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Seven years. That had some age on it already.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Hell yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Officer Cumdump here. Officer Cumdump.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, it's awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, that was cool. Oh, there he is. Looks great. Oh, wow. It's all, it's gone. He's a silver fox now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
king donald duck orange man trump must be impeached now uh he cut he cut sec eight snap for people who can't survive on what they make and also school lunch and breakfast and food banks he wants the rich to live and poor to die vance and musk has to go as well i didn't realize he was so politically involved
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, inadvertently overdosing with a powerful surgical anesthetic, propofol. He served just under two years of his original four-year sentence. Conrad Murray. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Wow. Is this old or recent? Recent, yeah. Wow, yeah. All countries in Middle East, no gas or fuel or food products or produce for America and Trump, Canada, turn off electric to America.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Wow, yeah. He's really fired up. And I didn't think that Officer Cumdump would be that into this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
But I would think Officer Cumdump just talks about cum and fucking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
But Officer Cumdump's talking about Palestine and the economy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I like that necklace, Robert.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
shit really this is this is all right yeah a lot of his posts he's a cat guy too look just like me cats him naked black eyes uh hey i like all the same things he likes you know yeah true cats oh george foreman george foreman wow was that a rest in peace for george is that what that was like uh yeah yeah that's when he died yeah it doesn't really fit the other looks
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Remember that? He likes Michael B. Jordan. That's a few times we've seen him posted. Oh, look, a white guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He likes beefy guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Oh, look at those two black eyes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
No, I don't usually do that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Rubbing your tits and everything? No. I'm not like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Ooh, there's a cop hat on that guy. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Those are some beefy nipples he's got, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Every cat deserves a home.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
But not every home deserves a cat. True.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
A lot of similarities.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Damn, that's an aggressive photo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, that is a big old tit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. Well, he's definitely got a type. He never swayed from that either.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Happy spring. Here's some cats. You want to fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Human beings are complicated. We're not all just one thing. It's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
There's that big tit again. Same guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Another George Foreman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I don't think he knows them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I just wish one of these guys would go over there once.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, I wonder what he's doing these days. I don't know. Because I'll tell you this, if you can still get your hands on that propofol, I'll hire you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Oh my God. I thought you were asking me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. If you have, that'd be awesome. If you reached out to us and let us know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Hey, that's why your butt's ready for that ding dong.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
By the way, we saw the Minecraft movie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
A year ago, we visited the set. I took our oldest, Ellis, to visit the set, and it was awesome. And then we got to actually see the movie, which was great. It was a great movie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
The solo adult. The underworld is right here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
It's not netherite. You wouldn't be able to tell. Momoa was hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I'll hire you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He had an awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He's got good timing. He's got great chops, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He played such a dummy. That guy was just a big dummy. Yeah. And it was really funny. Really funny. Really funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I wore that wig. I have a photo of me in that wig.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He's big as fuck. He's so big. He's like 6'4", 235, and he's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, he's a house man. Yeah, when you're like, oh man, this guy's. Most actors too are tiny when you meet them. This dude's, yeah, he's huge.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I mean, he got discovered pretty young because he was on one of the iterations of Baywatch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, he's just this Hawaiian kid. Look at his dreads. 19, living in Honolulu. He was always pretty active, though. He loves mountain climbing, rock climbing and stuff. He's really good at it. So he was always active with that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what propelled him into, I think, Baywatch is like a step into the world of acting, but that's what made him really well known.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
No. He's half German, half Hawaiian. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
So his genetics are pretty nutty. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Great job, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. What was I going to?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
For hours.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Lower IQ than an actual person with like downs. I think so. I think... Because, no, there are exceptionally bright people who just have Downs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And, like, they can do... Somebody just graduated law school.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
How many times do you think you sat on the toilet?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Hey, stop. It's pretty cool that they did it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's what I'm saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, you got it right there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Right. But some people are well above that with Downs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, yeah, they're exceptional.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Look, scores of 120 have been found in some people with syndrome. That's my point, that there's exceptional people in that. They fall into that category.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Look at this person that just, honestly, that just graduated law school. There's somebody with Downs who just graduated law school.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
87? No, there's no way. It was not that many times.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, I mean, I'm sure she's going to be hired by a practice that like puts her in a position where they can utilize some skill set of hers. They're not just going to be like, hey, you run the firm, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's what she says. She wants to practice the disability law.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I couldn't do this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
If you were going to hire one of the three of us as a lawyer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
She's the one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Uh-uh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's pretty incredible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That tit doesn't look right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
droopy tits no um well we got the biggest story that's come out of this show in the last couple months um this is pretty crazy is it though i feel like we saw this it's well i thought we were going as deep as it could go last week with our update with him which was all this chaos but of course it's hit new levels
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He got into a brawl with those two guys, the landlords.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Craziness.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
So Scott and James attacked him, he said. Those are the guys that were changing the locks. So now his mission last night as of this recording was to get back into his place, but they changed the locks on him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
We saw that last week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
So here's how he has a mission going. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He's got a candle burning in his place. Oh. So what he's doing is he's got a sledgehammer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Worker. Workers, man. You know, it's just how it goes, man. I understand what he's dealing with there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
So then he goes out. He went out after that. He's at a sports bar.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Free Tony, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
This guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
So he went to jail. Yeah. And then about an hour later.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You got to see the end of the game, which is really important.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You think he could be a lawyer? You think he could be a lawyer?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That guy's going to get his autograph now. Super important.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I knew this jail was in the prospects.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Um, uh, what Scott and James, the landlords, need to do, they need to hire full-time security.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I mean, when I think of a secure place, I see this guy, I'm like, fucking hire him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Experienced.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Hands clasped. Looking for a security guard to protect your compound or something? Give me a call. Send me a DM.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Do you not see my badge?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Excellent, excellent.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
See, if I were him, I would have outsourced the commercial.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, exactly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And then you at least think that that's who you're hiring.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Come on. Okay. Come on. I got some funny stuff to show you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I think he was trying to do the shoulder. Uh-uh. And he actually hit him here, which means he knocked him out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He completely missed the shoulder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And he hits him in the neck, and he knocks him out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, side of the face, neck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That was pretty horrible, guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
They never know when to let go. Never. Oh, shit. Dude, I knew that was coming. You let go on the way out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
What country is this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He's drunk. Of course it's Europe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
This is my tribe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Wow. It's like double stream magic. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Go, now, now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Ribs, back. So lucky it wasn't head.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, he's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That was direct to the dome, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
She could be a low IQ individual now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That was fucking right on the dome, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You're a fucking horse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
This horse does suck. And the horse lets you know that you suck, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Like in unison together.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He shattered his ribs and has a lacerated liver.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
16 bucks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, for sure. That's passion there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I wanted to bring up about something that I am always amazed by Pajiski effects.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
When we were together in London and we went out, we were in a store somewhere. Yeah. It blew your mind. I didn't know that was real at the time. That there's something called a spring jacket.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You're shitting water.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, haven't you ever heard the expression of a light jacket?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Gotcha.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I didn't think I had to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I didn't think I had to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I mean, it never came up. Honestly, if it had come up earlier, I would have, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I look out for you. What are you talking about?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
The spring jacket thing never came up. I've never had an instance where I could have been like, oh, you know, it's a spring jacket.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I would say this, too. It really they they made it pretty clear getting everyone thinks I don't want to do that. They prevent so many deaths and catch so many things early by getting colonoscopies. If you're over 40 and you haven't had one, you know, it's just you owe it to yourself, to your family. You should do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, they're like, you are assholes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Give me an example.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, that's...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You see it in the tutoring sessions?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Smile, smile like a donkey.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, do you remember that there was like that clip? I think you shared it with me where it was a guy on the streets in Moscow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And he was like, would you like to be happy to like all these different Russians? They were like, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Do you want happiness? And they're like, get out of here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Not all of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
It's a preventative thing and it's how they know, oh, something's up with your GI tract. We've got to do something. If you don't do it, it's way too late when you're like, I'm fucking shitting blood.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
It's just how it is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Our youngest asked me yesterday or the day before. He goes, you've been doing Italian now for a while. Do you speak Italian? I was like, I mean, better than I used to. He's like, but you don't. You're not, like, perfect. I don't even know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He was like... why do you keep doing it? I'm like, cause I like it. I like trying to learn. He's like, you keep doing this Italian. I was like, yeah, I'm trying, man. So I guess Zolo told me, I guess we played this guy a few years ago and there's an update. So you're going to kind of recognize maybe the old image of him that's in this clip. And then it was nothing better than jail videos, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
So he would put it upon himself to learn of somebody who had committed a crime against a child and then going and assaulting that person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I guess Alaska.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Welcome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, pretty cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, he's cool. I like him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, well, he's free. He's doing his thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
This is good advice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I'd hire him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
20 minutes long. And by the way, you get a propofol nap.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's some real jailhouse shit, I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I'm glad somebody hired him. It's somebody who obviously knows his story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And they were like, yeah, that's not that bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He fucked up child molestation. That's cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I was so jealous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Oh, that's another story like this. Cain Velasquez, the former UFC heavyweight champ, He attacked and assaulted a guy who had, I believe, done something to his niece. But he's now only going to serve. He got sentenced to four years and I think he's two years in. So he's going to get out in like two years.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And most people were just like, why are we... Why are you even convicting that? I mean... That's the last guy you'd want to show up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
For children? Absolutely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, I'm signing up for one just to get that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I mean, look, what's more precious than a baby, man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I had a colonoscopy a few years ago, but it's time for another. And I'm super jealous. And I just want to get.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He looks like he's a blue-collar guy. I think they're going to be real cool at the work site.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
They seem like a perfect match. She's having fun doing it too. Would you like to do this with me? You can change my di-di and give me a bath and feed me my food.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He made a TV show about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I don't know if they're going to accept me. Here's a fucking camera crew in my house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's fine. I don't care.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. They're all going to know now. Every time I watch one of these shows, I'm like, I just don't want anyone to find out. You're on television.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
It's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Totally insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You are?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
No, they wouldn't be doing this. You wouldn't be doing that. Well, actually, they wouldn't be able to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You want to see something cool?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
A little protest. He's dead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, that high-powered water hose hit him in such a way that his head hit that concrete.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Let me see. Where is that? It's a Tuesday. It's a Tuesday. It's in Turkey. Oh, water cannon. Uh, he died.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Look how hard, look how hard this is. Like, yeah. Hit me with that water. Boom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Those things rockets at you, you know? I was in the Central Plaza in Madrid when they won the European Cup. This is in 2001. And everybody was in this plaza. And they sent out the riot cops with the water cannons and the pellet bags, like shotguns that shoot. Man, I got out of that shit. I was watching people get sprayed down with them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Pretty crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Turkish prison. If you don't know, I put some fall dates on sale. The summer will be down for me, but there's a bunch of new cities for the fall. They're at TomSaguro.com slash tour. I'm hitting a... Whole bunch of different cities in, let's see, where are we going?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, I am going to Anchorage. That's coming up soon. But in the fall, yeah, I have Akron, Daytona, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Long Island, Hanover, Gary, Indiana, West Lafayette, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, Long Beach, Friant, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, and Columbia.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I'm very excited. Oh my God, this is the thing I wanted to bring about. So just over the last week, I did a couple shows. I did Oklahoma City and Houston. When I got to Oklahoma City, this was on the wall.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
A photo that just says, you get the glove. And then they had like 25 gloves hanging from the wall.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And then they made an entire display. Like, look at that wall.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Then they had this entire display of a movie poster. A movie poster called Glove Actually. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And it's Jennifer Aniston and me. And it had movie reviews and the log line of what the movie was. What does it say here? A movie so unexpected, even Jennifer Aniston probably didn't know she was in it. Glove actually is absurdly bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Oh, Niana just nodded.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
It feels less like a movie and more like an elaborate prank. Tom Segura is playing on the entire audience. But if you go to the... I don't know if you can see on the other side there, or it might be in the video, it has the log line of the movie. They wrote out the entire log line of the film. This is crazy. Where it tells you what the film is about, and it has...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
a one-star review and 1% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
But Vince the Glove DiLorenzo is a used car salesman in Oklahoma City who thinks his lucky red sports glove is the key to closing every deal. When Jennifer Aniston walks in looking for a fancy car, Vince goes all in using his glove to seal the deal. But when he takes things too far, like offering her an ice cream sundae to sweeten the deal, the situation spirals out of control.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
In the end, Vince discovers that the real magic isn't in the glove. It's an honesty connection and maybe a little over-the-top salesmanship. 1 out of 10 on IMDb, 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. The comedy-drama hybrid of the year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, whoever did this in Oklahoma City, I just want to be clear when I tell you this. You get the glove.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
They did an incredible job.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Aniston, I'm sure, is going to have the same reaction as us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
She's going to be elated. But yeah, thank you so much for doing that. That OKC crowd, I have to just say, was fucking unbelievable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
You just never know. You never know. And they were unbelievable. One of the best shows of the whole tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
All right. That's it. We got to run.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
What's everybody? Love you. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
See you next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Ruff, ruff, ruff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I sneezed. And what happened was when I sneezed super violently, all the snot came into my mouth. And I had a mouthful of snot. Oh my God. So it's like either spit out the window or just... Swallow it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Well, I don't. First of all, I never wash my hands after I pee. That's nonsense. You wash your hands before you pee. That's what I do. Because my penis is clean. My hands are not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
No, it's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
It's delicious, it's sterile, and it's good for you. I do not wash my hands after I pee. And you're a fool and you're letting the government tell you what to do if you do that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah. So you wash your hands before you touch your delicate, beautiful penis.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
If I shit, I wash my right hand only because that's the hand that I wiped with. I don't wash my left hand.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
People are always asking me, why don't you wash the other hand? Why am I wasting all that water and soap and everything? It's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, Sean gives me a lot of grief about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I don't know about this theory.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
How I wash and when I wash. And he's like, did you just wash your right hand? And I go, yeah, that's the one I used.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
This team has like, they've stopped me multiple times and they're like, I like when you fart.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Oh, cool, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
A lot of the staff has told me that it's awesome when you do that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
What's everybody's theory? What's up, everybody? It's great to be here. We have so many cool updates to share with you. A lot of cool things going on. A lot of cool updates. Do you want to show off and say what you did yesterday?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah, they like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Wait, what's that face, Deanna?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He's an animal. Like many others, coffee plays a crucial role in my daily routine. I simply can't get going without my morning cup. I also have high standards when it comes to coffee, and I was growing tired of settling for the generic brands at the grocery store. That's why I decided to give Trade a Try. It's a coffee subscription service that brings freshly roasted coffee
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
directly to my doorstep trade is the leading specialty coffee marketplace in the u.s offering selections from over 50 of the country's top roasters just take their quick quiz less than a minute later they'll match you with the perfect coffee for your taste and if the first bag isn't quite right no worries trade will replace it for free until they find your ideal match since every bag is roasted to order you'll notice and appreciate the difference in both taste and aroma
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
from the very first sip. I like having it here at the office. We get a wide variety of different types of coffee that everybody has something that fits their palate. Right now, Trade is exclusively offering our listeners 40% off your first order at drinktrade.com slash YMH. That's Drink Trade. T-R-A-D-E dot com slash Y-M-H for 40% off your first order. Drinktrade.com slash Y-M-H.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
TrueWork is hellbent on creating the most technical, high-performance workwear in the world. The TrueWork story begins in the Colorado mountains, where a trade worker knew there had to be a better solution than the wet, heavy gear that was weighing him down. TrueWork was born. These guys sent incredible products to us. Man, the pants... Feels so good. The flannel is exactly what you want.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Keeps you warm. You can move around in it. It's not restrictive. Every TrueWork product is engineered for maximum comfort, protection, and efficiency with minimum bulk or extra weight. Denim and cotton canvas haven't changed much for over 200 years. TrueWork upgrades traditional classics by using the same fabrics worn by elite outdoor athletes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Soft, stretchy, sweat-wicking soft-shell work pants are a major upgrade over wet, heavy jeans. Wind and waterproof shells use intelligently placed insulation for streamlined warmth that lets you stay mobile and agile. Upgrade to TrueWork for a major change in the way you work. TrueWork helps you be your best when your best matters most.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Check out the full lineup and get your 15% off your first order at truework.com slash YMH. That's 15% off at T-R-U-E-W-E-R-K dot com slash Y-M-H. In honor of Eni, who's not here today, our opening clip is what I like to call Eni's Inner Thoughts. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I love it. Yeah. I wish any was here. I could play his inner thoughts for him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He's not here. Yeah. But this guy's awesome. He's been giving out, he gives out unsolicited advice to other young men who are in the, in the field, you know, dating, trying to make it work with ladies. And he gives them just great advice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
That's tight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
They love it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
He does do that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
And probably like this guy, your dad's got numbers, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
I mean, someone like your dad, are they incapable of falling for someone? Do they ever fall for someone? Or that's just not even in there?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Truly disgustingly rude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Why are you this pleased with yourself? By the way, do you know how he did it? Hard Rock Nick. He died. He shot himself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, I mean, that's essentially the highest version of flying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
At a gun range. Happy New Year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No, it's not. He blew his brains out. And then the real thing is going to see how that massive fortune is going to be distributed now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Probably skinny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
The last time I saw it, which was not that long ago, he was really skinny. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No one's excited about the portrait. But there is something more exciting. Well, there's two things, really. Number one, we saw Charo today. She's officially been in Austin now for a minute. And so we ran into Duncan Trussell. And I told Duncan, go up to her and be like, hey, I'm excited about your OnlyFans. So Duncan went up to her and said, I'm excited to see your OnlyFans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And she was like, what? What? And so I reminded her that she needs to get it going. You guys heard our call, and I'm just going to encourage you to please keep sending those in. Do you have any examples of what people have been sending in?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
What's everybody. It's another episode of your mom's house. She's Christine. I'm Tim. And we're excited to share so much with you today. Um, it's a really action packed episode. There's so much. It is now January of 25, which is such an unusual thing to say.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Hola, Charo. Mi nombre es Tom, y vivo en este infierno helado de Canadá. Escuchar un bueno día tuyo caliente el corazón, por favor. Unete OnlyFans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That was somewhat indecipherable Spanish. He said words that somewhat go together and some were just random, but that's one way to do it. Let's see one with, yeah, English.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That was fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And again, I told you guys what was going to happen is we're going to build a montage of videos like this. And the more, the merrier. I wanted to get to the point where she has to do the math and she goes, Jesus, this is like, we show her a hundred random faces being like, please, Charo, please start the OnlyFans. I can't wait to sign up. I can't wait to send in my $10 a month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Oh, stop.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
She'll start doing the math. And then it's going to be like, well, you're just going to let this slide?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Not really.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That's the thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
By the way, I'm not saying you're going to have to, but just throw out. Say, hey, I'm in for $20 a month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You don't have to do it. Just do it for the video.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Hey. Don't get to a crazy amount because then she won't believe. But just say, every month I would love to have $20 to spend some of my morning seeing your videos.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No, he's not gone. He's dead. No, I do. I know. But that was just, that was the arrogance of a pilot. You know? That really wasn't, it's not the helichopter's fault.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Perfect. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Sam, that was fucking perfect.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Sam, incredible. And see, here's what I'm hoping that she understands, because she's going to be like, $6.99. And I'm going to be like, yeah, but what if 2,800 people are paying you $6.99?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Add it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That's right. That's why the amount, the volume of videos is so important.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
If I show her three videos, she's going to be like, I'm not going to do that for $20.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
How much? $10. Probably $10.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah. And if you have a little oopsie tube, that's okay too. I won't get mad at that. You know what this is going to end up being, right? She's going to be at her house every day being like, give them a fart. Leave me alone. And then I'll get one. I'll be like, that was. And then she can do like, I have a little surprise to send everyone today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It was the weather and he just didn't do what the tower told him to do. It was, yeah. Human error. I know. That's usually responsible for so much.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I don't know if she'll do something like this, but, you know. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That's a Russian streamer. Of course. That's a big guy, too. You know that. That was pretty rancid.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
By the way, what has been happening? Because you guys have told me I'm not really. What's going on with Fancy Chef? You're telling me that he keeps calling?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
What's he up to?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Okay, so let's make it clear he's not. He's called in to say anything else?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's been a while right just so you know that's not how this works You don't get a percentage of the clips no But you know what I'd be happy to send him a gift. Can you request his address, please? I?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Good luck. Very happy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Just say we would love to send you a gift.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, that definitely is something that raises your profile and gets people talking about you more. There's value in that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We don't divvy up clips and their revenue. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Oh, my God. I mean, that I would never knock. That was un-fucking-believable.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I mean, I went to Sushi by Scratch the other night, Phillip Lee's place. It's finally now here in Austin. He had a non-compete for a while, and it's right off 6th Street. And that's a Michelin star place. And after the meal, I go, this is unbelievable. And then I leaned in, I go, but you ain't no fancy chef. Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No, man. So, yeah, of course. That was really, really... Yeah, the food was... Beautiful and nice. He's been doing this thing too, Fancy has, which is pretty unprecedented for chefs because, you know, it's kind of like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We got to go, man. We got to go. Here we go. I'll get you started. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
comedians we um you know we try to uplift each other or we promote each other hey come on the podcast or maybe you post about them um but you certainly don't do a solicited or unsolicited critique of another comedian right because they're it's part of like it's an unspoken thing he's been reviewing food no without even he's just going in he's going fancy chef 2013 you see he is what he talking about
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I don't know if he's at, is that Gino's or Pat's? One of like the huge cheesesteak places, you know? That, yeah, you know, whether or not you liked him or not, he's another chef. And he's at this kind of, you know, renowned place.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
cheesesteak operation he's holding by the way he's he's holding up people yeah who want to order they don't they don't look happy to be standing behind him and he's like yeah but i'm fancy chef and i'm reviewing this y'all ready and they're like yeah y'all really want to know y'all follow me you cut it did you cut it He's telling the guy, cut this shit, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's Gino's. Okay. He's at Gino's. He asked for some juice. This guy is politely watching him with his hands behind his back. He was asking for juice when he was here, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Any type of juice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Who the fuck doesn't have juice on them?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You didn't toast the bread.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Gino's famous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We all take supplements. I mean, my counter at home is absurd. We know we should take them, but there are so many supplement companies charging ridiculous prices for products that really aren't that special. It's frustrating. Frankly, it is unacceptable. That's why I want to introduce you to LiveGood, a brand that's turning the supplement industry on its head.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
LiveGood believes that everyone deserves access to high-quality supplements without these insane markups. They offer premium products formulated by an industry-leading team of natural health experts, and they cut out the middleman Sell them at the lowest prices anywhere.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I recently started doing creatine every day. Get out of town. It's part of my routine every day. These guys are doing it the right way. They're delivering a quality product, and they're not price gouging you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
If you're ready to make the switch and start saving, we'll make it even easier for you. Use our link. You can save an additional 10% off your first order on top of of the already lowest prices just go to livegood.com slash YMH to save 10% on your first order that's livegood.com slash YMH don't miss out on this opportunity to invest in your health without overspending I mean
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Look, Gino's, for those of you that don't know, it is a renowned, famous cheesesteak place. You talk to people in Philly and they'll always tell you, don't go to Pat's, don't go to Gino's. It's like, because those are the... You know, tourist trap places. So they'll always send you somewhere else. But to be like, this is garbage and throw it on the ground is wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I mean, like I said, if you want to get into the... Into it, I think especially with like a Philly person, they'll always tell you to go elsewhere, but I don't think they would tell you that it's garbage. But then again, here's where I always have to stop myself. I'm not a fucking- You're not a chef. I'm not a chef.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I'm not a fancy chef. I know his palate is so many, like Hard Rock Nick said, I'm not sophisticated. my palate is not like his is here and I'm here. So I'm like, Oh, this is good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You know? And then fancy is like, this shit is bullshit. I don't even know yet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah. You don't know underscore chef 2013. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
What are you talking about? See, again, you're thinking with an unsophisticated mind. You don't really get it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That looks unbelievable. All the garnish on top in the pan while it's off.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And it's the whole fish. I like when you don't fillet it or anything before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Fuck yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Very fancy and nice. Okay. So you guys remember... Not too long ago, we had so much fun when we did Hi Mommy, Thanks Jeans at drive-thrus.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And I love you. But it was like, Hi Mommy, Thanks Jeans. I love you. Well, we recently decided to do something. We went back to Starbucks and we have a new game. And the game is... you say happy birthday to the person taking your order, or you speak to them in a Cockney English accent, or if you really want to raise the stakes, you mash them together. And that's what happened today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's really exciting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Straw.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Happy birthday. There you go. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I gave her a big tip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That was amazing, by the way. So fun. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
By the way, our six-year-old is in the back seat like this. He's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And he's like ear to ear smiling. He's like, you should have your birthday again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And they are always like, say I love you. And they go, say it louder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's the way to go. So you know what to do. Go to your local drive-thru, wish them a happy birthday. Say it like this. Do you think that I could get a coffee place, mate? And throw them a happy birthday. And send it in. Send it in. Shoot it over to your mom's house, YMH Studios Instagram. Tag it or email it in. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I didn't have the idea while I was at the ordering part. It was only so like she definitely saw me order like, hey, can I get.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And I pulled up and I was like, hello, love. So I think she was like this fucking guy. But then when I gave her 20 bucks, she was like, OK, thanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, oof.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And the real mind fuck, I mean, if you really want to have somebody go like, oh my God, is if you happen to do it to a British person. Oh! Because then they're like, okay. I've done it to a British person before and they're like, mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I did it on the Jimmy Carr. I did it to Jimmy Carr. I don't remember that at all. I don't remember that. He must have been like, oh, that's pretty good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Jimmy Carr, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I'm one of the things that Megan and I have been doing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I'm non-binary and bearded. How will my blind date go?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And I like that this person is just looking out into the sunlight like, what will happen today? How was it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
This guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's like a qualifier for each sentence.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I know this is complicated, but yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah. So, I mean, it's a lot to take in, but I'm actually not either. And the kid's like, huh? But they don't have to go, yeah, so hay is what they eat and grass.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You've got to point it out to the person. What should I do? Hey, I have a question. How come you start your answers with, yeah, so? Is this like a concept that is so rich that you need a moment to put the thought together?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Well, now that you point it out, I have heard this before. My memory is trying to connect whether I'm hearing this from a same type of person. Because I have heard this before. And I have heard it from, you're right, a younger generation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
There's sort of this thing going on where it rains sometimes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You're right, because the yes, so should come for... an answer you might not be ready for.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's that it's a black hole type of explanation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, so this is something you're going to struggle to really wrap your head around. Right. But there is something out in space that consumes all matter around it. And so you're like, wow, I don't really understand that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, so rocks are hard to digest. Okay, just say that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I don't know, but that's a good, yeah, it's fun. One last thing I wanted to point out to any. So I know you don't have a great memory of the holiday party, but you were bringing up the N-word quite a bit. That's what I'm told. And you were also talking about how you'd want, if someone were to say it to you, I think Bert was like,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I'd say it was like some game he proposed doing with you of like whispering it. And then, you know, you were giving away the award. You gave away the blackest person award to Chris. And then you were like, you should say it as part of winning. Anyway, what I wanted to bring up is like how you would respond to this type of white person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You know what I mean? I know what you're saying. So what's your response to, let's call him Dave.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He is wielded in the court for those of you listening. He appears to be an Asian man or of Asian descent, maybe Hawaiian. He certainly has the accent. And the reason I say appears to be is because he's wearing shoe polish level like darkness on his face. He covered himself so darkly that you can't even tell what his features are. Tuesday, he is a Hawaiian man, it says here in the article.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I feel like a lot of people probably... Turn their heads, and then when they see him and the whole presentation of it, they just kind of keep walking, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I think he says, he also scans the room when he says it. It's not like he's just...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Dave seems crazy enough that he's unaware. First of all, Dave, he doesn't hang out at the bank, right? No. He's on a corner outside a liquor store drinking a Tallboy. He's around a certain environment all the time. I think there are certain black guys that are used to seeing Dave, the white N-word. And so they're like, that's Dave. But I think if it's a new, especially...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
aggressive seeming new black guy, like a new black, he doesn't know him. He's not gonna lead with this. He's gonna kind of like feel him out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Maybe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I mean let me ask you this I don't see that many scars so I don't really think that it's also like I mean look at him you know what I'm saying he ain't like threatening nobody it's the same thing when you're in especially like in cities when people do say wild shit a lot of times what happens is you go like you turn you see who's saying you're like that's crazy that's a crazy motherfucker that's a crazy person and you keep walking
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You know what I mean? Whether they're white, black, anything, you're like, that person's out of their fucking mind. Or they're drunk as shit. So, you know. I think it's both. I think he's been called out, but I do think that a lot of people just go like, oh, that's fucking, yeah, that's old Dave. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he really says it. Yeah. He got it. He got an extra breath in before. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He uses diaphragm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Well, he didn't convince the guy recording. That guy was like, no, you are a racist.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Do you think those white people get a pass on saying... Well, Em's a really interesting case because I think there are probably a high number
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
of his associates who would without a doubt say you definitely can say that right but i think he never ever does simply because he knows who he is how he's represented that he is the he's the great white hope in a black art form and doing that would be so such an easy mark to take him down people could easily i don't think he ever utters the word but i think
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I'm sure guys in his close crew in D12 or whatever would always be like, yeah, but I don't think he ever does. Also, it'd be a bad habit for him to form because he really can't do it in the art. Nobody would sign off on him saying it in his song. So it'd be a bad habit for him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Well, there's always, you can, I mean, there's black dudes that'll be very clear about the fact that if you're a white guy like this, and he hangs out in a black neighborhood, they're like, that guy, you do not want to fuck with. If that guy is hanging out in the hood in a real black neighborhood where there's gangs and there's a white guy there, he is wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He showed up in blackface to be sentenced for attempted murder. The man said he did so because the court was treating him like a black man. Mark Char of Oahu was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole on Monday for second-degree attempted murder, plus six years to be served concurrently on convictions.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, they're calling him Dave the White.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No. The highest hope I ever had was just like, you just wanted the black guys on the team to be like, you're dope. You're good. Yeah. This is awesome. But you don't have to like. I don't want to take it to the streets and be like, how about you guys? Do you think I'm cool?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, that's number five on the black compliment list. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Outfit. Shoes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Athletic prowess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Like you're just cool to be around. You're funny. And then athletic prowess is like number one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That's right up there. That's number three, actually.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Outfits, shoes, you're real as shit, you're funny, you're a great athlete. And that's the holy quintuplet of black confidence.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and welcoming back one of our all-time favorite, not just comedians, but human beings. His special, Why Is Everybody Getting Quiet? is available now on YouTube. It's Sam Tripoli.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Of second and third degree assault, the charges stem from a 2016 road rage attack. Char appeared in the first court in Honolulu on Monday with his head completely covered with what appeared to be permanent black marker ink.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Well, ever since we had kids, whenever we hear about a friend of ours having a kid, we're always like... And then we were like, yo, Sam Trip is having two? Yeah. We're like, we got to fucking... We got to set him up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
There's this thing, right, that you hear. You hear this, but you truly don't understand it, is that whoever you are, you're not ready.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You're just not ready. You're not ready. And I actually think the older we get, you're more not ready. So you tell people, you're like, you don't understand, because people are like, I think we're going to do this, and we're going to... Good luck. I got the nursery ready and you're like, you're not ready, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You're not ready for a complete lack of sleep that will throw your whole world upside down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We would swap shifts on the couch. So on the very beginning, like, you know, it'd be like three in the morning and I'm just like snoring on a couch and she'd be like, you can go in the bedroom now. And I'd go in there and she'd go on the couch just to be near the baby. And it was just, yeah. And it just kills you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, he liked that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
So you're like, if you can do this for somebody, you're buying them some sanity in a crazy time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I didn't even know, too, that I didn't realize milliliters to ounces conversion. Oh, fuck off, that whole thing. So, like, Ellis, our first, you know, he was drinking, and I realized he was drinking, like, a fucking needle's worth. And I was like, yeah, he had 100 milliliters. And they were like, what? I was like, I don't know why he's still crying. And they were like, oh, you gave him, like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
one tenth of an ounce oh yeah is that right and they're like no so it was yeah it was you're doing eye drops for him yeah we didn't even know how to buckle a kid into the car seat when we came home from the hospital we were like what is what is this what do you do you don't know
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah. So we were already there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No, I know. We just went to school.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
But we knew to keep him indoors for a few days, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You're like, how do you do that with a real gig? We went to school for the school event for the kids, and we're always like, how do someone with a normal job do this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
How do you do that when you're doing heart surgery?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's really crazy. It's crazy. I don't know. Now, in Jersey, the drones are there. Yeah, what's up? There's fucking things happening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Ronald Reagan talked about it a long time ago. Also a great thing to do to rally around a new presidency. You know what I mean? Right. Get everybody behind Trump. I mean, it's effective.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
A spokesperson for the State Department of Public Safety told them on Tuesday that staff members at the Halawa Correctional Facility attempted to convince him to wash his face before he entered the court, but that he refused. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We're just all like, oh, for fuck's sake.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We should have had hoverboards in 2015.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Which is, by the way, I think the closest to an accepted reality, because all of us have slowly realized That we're being watched and our data is being collected all the time, everywhere.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
All day, every day. All the time. Anything you do, data is being collected. I mean, if you do pre-check at the airport, you got to show them eyeballs every time. You scan your eyeballs. There's cameras that do facial ID recognition. You have to confirm things that you want to do. You have to give fingerprints. Yeah. Like everywhere you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And then you know that your emails are read, your phone calls are listened to. 100%. So you're surveilled all the time. I had lunch with a CIA person. Whoa, look at you. Big winner.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
uh he'll be charged with disobeying several direct orders um trying to see how okay so he was convicted in march of stabbing the driver another car in august 2016 and assaulting both the driver's passenger and a passerby who tried to break up the confrontation it's fun when these guys uh you know when they get on mic they're like you i was defending myself i
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You know this person. Oh, I do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And so this was a high-ranking CIA official who is retired. And so the high-ranking CIA person, I... was talking on the phone with later, um, uh, just, you know, casually like family life stuff. And then I switched to commentary on the news and you know what the response is not on the phone. And I didn't hear it the first time. So, you know what I mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Like I just, and so I said something again and this person goes not on the phone and like, and straightened. And I was like, Oh, um, yeah. So for Christmas, I think we're going to like, like scary. Wow. They're always watching. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I'm fucked. Also, I'd never thought about this criticism of electric cars. Because we know we're on the path to all electric. Convenience will enslave us. One day, it'll just be the norm. And there is this thing that if we're all on that system, that somebody could go and just shut down all your cars.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You talk to... Is this comedy or what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
The level of sophistication to pull that one off, for people that don't know, we should just highlight what we're talking about, was about two months ago, three months ago, the... you know, Israeli special forces and intelligence services had put together what had to be a years long plan of intercepting pagers and phones and planting them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And they had to get it like from the manufacturer, plant them with explosives, then reintroduce, knowing who they're going to be distributed to. And then simultaneously, uh, Blew them up. So that people's genitals and waists exploded. And then two days later, they set off a second series of them. So you go like, this is straight out of a movie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
If you had this in a movie, people would be like, this is fucking... Okay, it's kind of ridiculous. And they pulled that off, which is also a way... not just obviously it's a form of you're terrorizing people, terrorizing in their eyes, terrorists, but you're also being like, man, what else are you fucking capable of? Like you guys, that's high level shit, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Flying cars.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And then you read the stories like they stabbed the guy, fucking beat up another guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
This morning, I pulled it up. Ass-eating videos were just waiting for me to play. And I was like, that's crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Looks like they say he taunted the victims on the freeway and having pointed them at them like a gun according to court documents. Charlie then ran his vehicle into the other car. And when the occupants got out, he pepper sprayed them. And then stabbed one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I think that life outside of this planet... is only interested in Michelin star food. And so I think what's going to happen is that they are going to come here and basically kill everyone but elite chefs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Because the food is so fantastic that that's just what they're here for.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Because women like bad boys. It's just the truth. Now let's get your take on this. Check out this video.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I have. Are you about to change my mind on dinosaurs?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Are we saying that, are you also of the belief that Earth is only 6,000 years old?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We're just taking their word for it. By the way, it was really smooth, the way you put on that jacket.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He's like, I was defending myself. And you guys are treating me like a black man. It's like, okay. So today I'm going to be a black man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Are you saying that dinosaurs are bullshit?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Type in Mouthy Buddha Tom. Right? Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
My question about this is, when you see something like the video you're describing, that you're like, it breaks it all down, what makes you give that video credibility versus saying this is just nonsense?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
yeah it's a whole thing man well how did the judge react uh i mean the judge has to be like no you're totally you belong here for for double life what is you're out of your mind the judge doesn't really have anything here on the judge um that's terrible yeah i don't know yeah oh here's the judge
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
ever and like now all this crazy dark stuff's coming out and you don't say anything that's my favorite thing in life though is the nice guy who's dark because there's all these guys in comedy too who are like oh that's a good guy yeah he's a super sweet nice guy don't even get me started every time well there's the
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
The most famous ones are obviously, like Cosby's, the example where they're like, don't curse. But there are also people that are not quite at that level who are still like, well, he's just a good old clean guy. And you're like, this motherfucker is hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's 2025?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He would always take a photo of like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He takes a photo of like a glove that's been discarded on the ground. Yeah. And been like, here's a glove on West 34th Street.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Hanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
But why would they use my thought on that? Why would he like give that hint? You know what I mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
There we go. He's getting locked away. That's for sure. Here's really some heartbreaking breaking news. It is confirmed. It's been confirmed now for a bit. People were curious and we filed a petition. And it can be said that it is absolutely heartbreaking to learn that the late and now, or the great now late Hard Rock Nick has passed away. Hard Rock Nick, this is a certificate of death.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Well, this here, let's cleanse the palate. What's this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
She might have a collapsed lung.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
What the fuck? There's just electric cars?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's crazy that Japan kind of does that. Japanese television is the wildest shit. The wildest shit. I'm like, they have no regulations. Their pranks are like, you're a hostage. Like someone comes in with and they're like, and then they're like, it's just game show. And you're like, holy shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Zolo, I just sent you one. I sent you one of the guy having dinner together.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah. This like this kind of shit. You're like, oh, yeah. In America, this would be such a crazy lawsuit that this would never happen. And it's not even like I mean, it's crazy. It's not crazy enough. But like somebody could definitely choke. They could definitely get hurt. They could they could die. And it's just like this is a Japanese game show, you know? Like he's just eating.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Dude, they did it one time in an interview to like a Yakuza-looking motherfucker. Oh, shit. And they had the gun go off. And this guy, dude, kicked people, grabbed people, fucking slapped people around. Just went John Wick on people? Yeah, he went crazy on them. It was amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Nobody has rights.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Is this a completely non-litigious society?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Clayton Peters was here one time in L.A., and he was on the CBS lot, and he slipped because it had rained, and all the CBS people were like, and he was like, I'm Canadian. I'm not going to fucking sue you. And they were like, well, you slipped. He was like, yeah, people slip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He's in a splits machine, like, and he falls in it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Oh, that's gotta hurt. Right now he's tearing tendons and ligaments. His groin is fucked.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He would have wanted it this way. He wanted it, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It was the non-death video, so maybe they were like, well, this is the one. This is one where he had a great time. He didn't die in that one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, and the thing about Mr. Hands that you always, because it can be a rough watch for a lot of people, is if you close your eyes and just hear his sounds, they're almost non-human sounds. Because it's basically, you're on the edge of your colon being perforated, you know? And it's like a torture sound. He's like, you can't even mimic it. It's so terrible. Pull up Mr. Hands. Oh, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You have to do it on the all search.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
For those of you that don't know Hard Rock Nick, we were on his stuff pretty fucking early.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's like you see a porn person in public. In LA, you're like, oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Savage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
But don't you kind of hate humanizing them?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I was going to say, everybody, just close your eyes. I'm seriously, just close your eyes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
This is what I want you to do. I just want you to listen. Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We haven't pulled that one out in a while. Way to go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I felt sick for 15 years.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Make sure you screen record that, okay? We need that on file. That was horrible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Oh, God. I need the grunts. I need those isolated.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No, so here's the story. He went. Fuck. That video was obviously done. And then he was fine. Well, so to speak. Fine. He went back to do this again. Oh, he's just loving it. The horse that he did this with was not there. So he went into a different barn. And it was a different horse that was no shit nicknamed Big Dick. And that horse perforated his colon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And he died subsequently from the injuries. So it was a totally different horse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You would have been like, Kenny?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It was a different horse, though, that he was not used to. And that horse, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I don't remember if he went right to the hospital. I mean, it says that he was dropped off at the hospital. Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He was dead already. He was dead on arrival, it looks like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Which you saw the horse that wasn't nicknamed Big Dick and what it did to him. Can you imagine what Big Dick was doing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Phones are cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
So basically, because we all, you're inside, you're a sausage. You have an encasing, and that was torn open.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
like everyone's got something weird everybody's a little weird finding out how you like this is kind of interesting how do you get there where does it start because it starts with a finger is what it starts with and then you just kind of go put two fingers in oh my god and just humans aren't good enough
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Can I tell you the real... And I used to say this on stage, but I meant it. The real fucking crime in this is that just because one guy died, the state of Washington made it illegal to do this with any animal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's so upsetting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And it's why I will not be performing in the state of Washington until this injustice is corrected.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
If you don't stand up for something, then what are you standing up for?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You know, he put out cool shit like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
What is that? How do you even fuck a bird? How do you do that? That means you like to see stuff. You want to hurt something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Because what the fuck? Why are you fucking birds?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I think you should be allowed to try to fuck horses. Yeah, I mean, if the horse enjoys it, can it sign off? Also, if you got the horse to kind of submit, you earned it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
The sound. He's jumping it. And upload it. I know the guy was like, you're fucked up. Hold on a second.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
i'm the fucking backwards on the unicycle guy i lost an arm you're like yeah no he's good he's doing signings at fairs yeah with his the hand that he didn't write with before i'm not the best i lost my hand that was what i wrote with so now i just kind of put an x that's how it goes this is um how do we show this today but i wanted to show you i don't know have you seen this guy
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You saw them?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And then you read the court documents and they're like, he drove his car into people and then like got out, stabbed someone, pepper sprayed somebody else. Like he went on a rampage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And you see how the best part is kind of like, is just looking at his lawyer. Because you know that he deals with bullshit from psychos all the time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
This guy's like, I'm going to be on the news again. And it's for this fucking guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
So he was just always putting out cool messages. He just, you know, he was himself, no shortage of confidence, like you said. Unconfirmed, but self-proclaimed one of the wealthiest people in the world. Oh, yeah. He was in California when he was doing this stuff. He eventually moved to Florida and he called himself, I believe, the Prince of Florida.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
This is the last time you're going to be in public. He got concurrent sentences.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He's not even driving into them. He's stabbing them. He drove into them and then stabbed the guy when he got out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It was a road rage incident.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
In and out, man. So it's basically, do you want 30 seconds of maybe? having your colon perforated and dying, and certainly being in some pain.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I'm a horse dick guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Or you're doing life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, of course. So do you know how many people... Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
No, you don't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You don't know if you're getting an old big dick or just regular horse dick.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Like humans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Like you see those guys, those Cro-Magnon looking guys. You're like, this guy's got a fucking hammer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, I want to do that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
My pin video on my Instagram. Here's the thing, dude. You're selling tickets.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's a real roll of the dice. It is a real roll of the dice. What's amazing is how many people would be like, sign me up for life. Like they would take a leg.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Oh, it's in your B. It's not in the vag.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, but at least a vag is made for these.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Again, talked about his multi-billion dollar holdings. My personal chef.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
And he's shaking his head.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You doing life in prison? You can move to France.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I think there's no win by taking prison. I think you've got to take the risk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
So true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
If you take prison, right? Dick math. You take prison, the first thing that's going to happen when you walk into prison is you're going to see this guy, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
See?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Thank you. It was like, we can't even follow that. That was too perfect of a... I feel like I should be like, and show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
That's unbelievable. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Real quick, Christina, how many years are we from this, do you think?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Do you think we're going to be doing those in a few? You're like, what'd you buy today? And I'm just like, fuck off.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
He's like, I want to die.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
All right, look, we do have to wrap. Why is everybody getting quiet? It's Sam Tripoli's special that is on YouTube. You can go get tickets to his show at samtripoli.com.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, sure. But we love you, Sam. You're the absolute greatest. I love you guys so much. Thank you for the kindness.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
We'll see you guys next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
For sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It did quite a bit because he was pretty big there and then he eventually got like really thin.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Remember I used to make fun of Cousin Brian? He was like, there should be a thing where if you're listening to something on the radio, you can just have your phone and then it would send you a message. And I used to be like, that's a fucking idiot. And then the first time I saw Shazam, I was like, that's his idea. He didn't know how to execute it, but all those things are coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah, he doesn't need the money. God, I wish he would have done that. That would have been fucking amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Some people would think that, but you're not that sophisticated either.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
You're not sophisticated either.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Well, just one last time. I think it's worth for you, sir. Hard Rock Nick, rest in peace. One of the OG members, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It doesn't matter whether you're a massage therapist or a photographer or if you go on jogs and then afterwards you sell your undergarments in packaging.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yes, Squarespace, they just make it easy for all of you, whether you want to do a one-time fee or a subscription for ongoing access. to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
I don't know what you're getting into here, Christina.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
The original choke? Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah. Let's see here. Here we go. Hey, guys. I was listening to the Adrienne Appaloochee episode. By the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. On Netflix? There we go. There's the original.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Yeah. Yeah. And you made it like the biggest fucking deal. But go ahead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
Flying stuff, anything flying, which you can, you can go fly something, but just so it's more accessible, easier.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
So what do you have to, what's your thing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792
It's a cat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Who knows? Well, here's the update. He has called us. He has left us a message.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You ready? I haven't heard it. I have no idea what it is. I'm excited. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Isn't that something, man? DJ Suede, the remix guy, he's always just putting out bangers. But that one's from a couple years ago, and I've been listening to it on repeat in my car.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I mean, look, I don't think you can have a better outlook on things. No. I mean, for the way that most people react when they're in jail, this is as good as it gets.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's what I'm saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I think he likes jail. And I think this is a real lesson to all our fans in jail is that it's all about perspective, man. If you're like, oh, this sucks. Attitude. Yeah, your attitude sucks, then it does suck. But if you're like, man, I'm living it up. People like me. I get double portions. I'm sleeping good. I'm having a great time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Then doing time's not so bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
bad and also i thought that sex worker would be his only gig that he'd be really good at turns out prison inmate too yeah inmate he's a good inmate inmate or sex worker maybe like the ideal inmate yeah like he's the one who the warden's going to be like you guys this is who we're trying to get you to be like yep wow yeah i mean wow that is something um i mean and he's fired up to shoot his scene and he's you know he's
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He's got a good outlook on things.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Do you have any idea how long he's going to be in?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Right, because he might have to bail out still, right? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I mean, the judge is not going to be like, that was a good idea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You know what also is interesting is to have this perspective. One might actually think it's directly correlated to one's intelligence. You know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Well, there's kind of this bell curve for IQ. And it could be that somebody... on either side of this either tells themself, you need to change your perspective, and they're on the right side of the curve, or that some people that are on the left side of that curve just go, this isn't that bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's a problem. And that's a problem. But he also, he opened his... Third eye to the possibilities of that being a cool thing, too. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
We were all set. Now, here's the other person that was all set. Alexis Fox. Alexis, who is an adult superstar, was ready to introduce... Tony into that world by having her, his debut scene be with her, which is the best case scenario, right? Like you're really going to be with a big time performer here. And that legitimizes him in that field.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
She had a set, like a place to shoot the scene all ready to go. Cause we were going with law. Ironically, it was going to be a jail scene, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
So she got the set. It was all set to go. Then she gets word Tony's not available. Well, she's already paid to use, like reserve the set. So she decided to use the set anyway and gave us a shout out from the set. She was like, this is dedicated to you guys. She went airtight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Isn't that cool?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's pretty wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
One, two, three. Yep. That's every hole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Don't drop the soap, it says in the background.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That could have been, well, he could have been one of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That definitely looks like a good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. And so I'm sure if we sent this to Tony, he'd be like, shit, I got to get out of here. Yeah. I got to be one of these guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I don't know if you can DM him or not, but that would be maybe motivation. Pretty cool. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You know, I've been working on my Italian for quite a while now. Yes. I need to shout out to my tutor again because that's very helpful. You've been actually consistently with your tutor in Hungarian.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And it's such a beautiful language. Thank you. And we have this clip here from, I guess, a website where...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, let's share it. Because it's so fun. Let's share the word, then you can tell us what it means. I can't say it, but go ahead. I know, but I'll play it, and then you tell us what this word means. Ready? Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Which means... That so many people were running into the issue of I can't fit any more goddamn cabbage in here. And I'd like to express this in a word.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That everybody was like, here's a word. Here's a word that expresses that sentiment. This is a uniquely but universal concept to all of us. So how about and then it's like, everyone's like, yeah, I get it. Your fucking cabbage is out of control.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
There's too much cabbage in here. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and Talkspace is here to help you take care of yourself with the support of a licensed therapist, all from the comfort of your home. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And they opted for this versus saying, I have too much cap. Like, it's such a- Too much cap. But it's such a familiar sentiment that they would go, well, why say the whole sentence? You could just say the word and everybody goes, that's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
If you don't remember, she did the national anthem.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You know, it's a real peasant word, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You don't know this by now? This is such a peasant's word. Like, I bet if you ran this by your parents, they would be like, oh, yeah. But they'd be like, yeah, they're fucking villagers who say this shit when they're making their fucking stuffed cabbage. Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Because your stepmom was kind of a villager.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You should be like, oh, this was always a villager.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And some of the players were laughing during her national anthem. That's cool. And then her, I think it was her husband at the time or her boyfriend...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Does it kind of have a negative connotation?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, it's not very nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. Totes gypsies. Yeah. Did you ever call her a gypsy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I used to come in and be like, are you a gypsy? Oh, my God. And just seeing her be like, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That wasn't good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. But you called him a gigolo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
But if you had called him a gypsy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
It's crazy that I literally have a story like that. I mean, basically the same. I'm just going to tell the same story, but I had the same thing. I called my dad a player. We were both drunk, and I called him a player. He let me drink. I was like 16. And I was like, yeah, because you a player, huh? And he's just like, what did you call me? I was like, a player. Like, player?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Like, you get game, you know? He's just like, I'm your father. You call me dad or father. That's it. I don't have no player, no dude, none of that. You got furious. And then I called him dude once. You got mad at that too. My dad got mad at me for calling him dude once. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And the car was like, dude, he goes, cut the dude shit. He's like, I'm not fucking dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
yeah like if you you see them breaking during the national anthem that's got 29 million people hold on and it's like the military people are breaking no no okay if you watch that if you can hit it so she's doing it like there's guys you know the players all just kind of like usually you stand there kind of look down and and you can start to see their faces so they're like looking around
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And I was like, all right. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
yeah that's crazy that somebody else has that story i definitely know unique what's up playboy what's up playboy i think it's like the fuck yeah because any and i on some level knew that like they're you know that's well with your dad's that both of those things rang true yeah so that's what they got right because he is a player and your dad is a gigolo yep yeah i thought it was a compliment right well i did it i knew i was like you look like a fucking gigolo
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yo. Yeah, I wasn't trying to play games. I was like, you know, yeah, you get game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Wait. It's a good thing. You're a player, dog. Yeah. No. I'm father.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And I'll always remember the first time I went to Budapest, I went to do a show. I'd never been. Obviously, you're Hungarian. I know, you know, eight words over the years that you taught me. None of them are helpful. Yeah. But I got up there on stage and there's like, I don't know, it's like a 300 person venue. Great to be in Budapest. Only thing I don't like are the roja cigans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And they broke into huge applause for rotten gypsies. And then I told my driver the same word. He goes, oh, he goes, be careful. They kill you for this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Anyway. Anyway. Another crazy thing that appeared in my algorithm the other day. And I have the best algorithm ever. the interwebs like I have ruined other people's experiences and yeah yeah I mean Andrew Asian genes he was just like dude everything's all fucked up Sickler told me he was like yeah he's like yeah I don't have fun anymore everything you sent me changed my whole experience
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
But I'm just scrolling along and usually it's like chaos and destruction and accidents, workplace accidents, car accidents, gunfire, killings, all kinds of shit. And then I see some other things and I'm just scrolling along and I see this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's in public.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
The one that got away.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You don't know that's King Ass Ripper. And he was like the OG, like this cool guy is so cool that when we discovered him,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
i think both of us had different experiences where we had to pull over on the side of the road yeah like we were yes i remember this yeah pull i pulled over on the side of the road yeah and i was like who is this amazing man and he even put out a couple videos that he because he would never respond we tried every tactic everything to contact this guy and one time he put up a video and just wrote like in the caption it was like shout out to your mom's house that was it that's all he would do he acknowledged us yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
But King Ash Ripper would, he would change accounts. So he would be on LiveLeak under one account and then on YouTube and that account would go down. He'd open another one over here. It was always hard to find him. We could never get a response. And then I just saw this, you know. But it's, yeah. But also. That's him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, sniff that one, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Like, huh, that's interesting. And then I think you see Draymond Green look down and smile because he's laughing at the performance. That's got to be rough. Yeah. And it's the national anthem. It's hard to. He's got a little smirk on his face, LeBron. Yeah, LeBron knows. He's like, hmm, Curry's reaction is one of the funniest on this show. Yeah. There's Draymond. Hold on. He's about to break.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, my God. But he is really, look, dude, he has, this is other level. He was always at home. This is a public setting. He has set up his camera in a restaurant.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And he is stuffing himself. There's food all over his face and his body. It's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
At least.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And he'd wear his little tighty-whities. Yeah. And he'd look over his shoulder. Oops. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And they'd be very brown.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He'd have crazy brown streaks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Then one time he set out all this food and he farted on all the food.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And then he ate it. He ate the food, yeah. Yeah, let's see here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And to be able to do this, have a fart for each stocking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Jesus Christ, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah. That was fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, he did edit. I'm sorry. There was an edit. Oh yeah. Do we have the one where he's also gained a hundred pounds. That's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Because then he started to be a gainer. Yes. Like he was like, here's all this food I'm eating. God, he was. You do the math. You do the math. Like he was like, that's 500 calories and this is 800 calories. And he listed all the calories and then he goes. You do the math.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
The fact, Jesus.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He's trying to get calorically up there. Wow. See, the thing is, I can't believe... Sauce and gravy pizza.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I don't like the sauce and the gravy. The thing is that I can't believe is that with our show and its reach and its audience, that not one person has ever been like, oh, I know this guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Do you remember what city he was in? I don't know why I felt like it was Michigan or something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
The king has stated that he lives in, oh, Michigan. He's 35, born September 14th. I would imagine he doesn't want his name out there because it's not hard to find someone's address or phone number. That's funny. Found all this shit and never once thought about exposing him. Obviously, other people don't think the same. I do want to know what his motive is, though. Why is he purposely gaining?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
How the hell does he shake the whole house when he farts?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, and I'm, by the way, just to be clear, I'm not trying to learn his name or, you know, yeah. I'm not trying to do that to him. I just wanted to be like, I want to talk to him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Someone's saying, I want to pay for his dirty underwear.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Rip ass again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Like one of his King Ash Ripper fart montages?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He does have a spark to him, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, he really is. He kind of laid the foundation for finding people like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And it just made me crazy that we couldn't talk to him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He did it for the love of the game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You've got to respect it. Maybe we won't get a hold of him, but I still respect it. He's really talented.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I like that he's a gainer, though. He's got to be over three bills now. He was probably like 180 when he started.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
So she got clowned, right? Really hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He was still doing it. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Okay. So, look at this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I'm so embarrassed. But then who is she married to or is she married to? Orlando Bloom. No, that's not. That's Katy Perry. Oh, sorry. That's a different talent. Yeah, that hip. Josh Duhamel. Duhamel. Yeah. Duhamel. Duhamel. So he, at the time, was with her, I guess. It looks like they're not married anymore. And when people were clowning it, he got fucking pissed, right? Sure. As her husband.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Listen to that fart, bro. That's all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, that's what that's from. I didn't realize it's from the dog.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I know. You're like, he was such a good boyfriend. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I know. And then sometimes you go, oh, the thing is, there was good qualities to him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Wow, he became like a serious gainer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Can I tell you, I think he's an authentic gainer. I don't think it's even for monetary things at all. I don't know if anybody was... We would have found how he was monetizing it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Don't you need a... No, what I'm saying is... he's doing it for fetish, but just for the, the dopamine drip of the fetish. Most people do this. And especially if they're public, there's a monetary component.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I don't think there's any monetary component.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. If he was after money, he would have been like, Oh, this is a platform that'll like give me more exposure. I'll make more money. I think he really just gets off on this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He was absolutely stuffing himself. Also, something else to point out is that he always had a roof over his head in a car. He did. So he was employed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He's employed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
This guy was showing up to work somewhere.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Which is crazy because someone from work was like, hey man, I saw your fart stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Your clock's not running. Bam. Come back to us, King Ash Ripper. Yeah, King Ash Ripper, come back. Any. I got what? What's with the attitude? What do you want, man? This is so stupid. I shouldn't have said shit. God damn it. And he just hits the exact, like the perfect mark of the black guy stereotype where they don't like gay stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
So sometimes when I find gay shit on Instagram, I send it to him. It's fucking crazy, dude. You have gay niggas on your feed, on your feed. Like they're coming to you. The algorithm's like, this nigga likes gay niggas. And you're just like, yep, send, like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
They're just... Sweet. They're not doing anything crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
i gotta go folks hey say good morning any any what there's just guys just saying good morning this is stupid man this is fucking this is dumb we gotta show that that that was upsetting what I don't want to see it. You know, like, hey, do your thing. But it's like you said. It's just like you don't want to see the fucking scoopity-bop-bop-booty-bop. You know what I'm saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You don't want to see that dumb shit. Yeah. Right? I just don't want to see this dumb shit. But they're just saying good morning. Like, hey, good morning. Say good morning fucking to yourself. Keep it inside. I don't need that shit. I don't need it in my life. Okay. Oh, my God. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. At the players. Like, he was just like, fuck you, man, to some of these guys. Like, you guys are dickheads. And then this remix came out, okay? The... it's because when was that it's 18 yeah they're they're they split in 19 so the remix came out and then the players the players were uh listening to it um Listening to that mix in the locker room. Post-game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
It is pretty awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Sorry. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Culturally, they're like, no, I don't fuck with no gay shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I know. And white comics live in a world. Straight white male comics dance constantly on the line of gay, like gay joke. Oh, right. Acting gay. Hey, how about we suck each other's dick after? And then black guys are always like, say what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You're like, got it. Yeah, I got it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Are you just trying to one-up me now on fucking Invisalign?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
My eyes are just done.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I haven't had my pap smear yet this year, but every time I've gone for the last four years, they're like, oh yeah, you need a higher prescription now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Your eyes are gayer this year than they were last year. And I'm like, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Every year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Maybe you can have a cool cataract surgery.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Well, that also reminds me that I have a different cool update.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You also didn't let me talk about it in the pre-production meeting. You're like, no, save it for the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
They need to hear it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
For the longest time, I guess I've had pretty inconsistent GI symptoms.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. What I'm saying is, okay, I have to preface it like this. I have to preface it like this. When I was more reckless with my health, eating like an asshole every day, part of what comes with that is shitting like a maniac too, right? But you kind of don't really... you can't really go, oh, I don't know what's going on, because you're eating like an asshole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
If you're having French fries and fried foods and deep fried this and high sugar and high fat, your guts are going to be a mess. So I was just like, oh, diarrhea is a way of life, right? That's just what happens. I eat crazy and then I explode.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, and then of course I would have normal bowel movements too, but it was always all over the map. So a few years back, I started taking better care of myself, eating healthier, a lot more lean foods, cutting out sugar, cutting out dairy, things like this. And my bowels did improve, but I still have this thing where I'm like, You know, I'll go to dinner with you or I'll go on the road.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I have dinner with like four or five of the guys I tour with and we'll have the same thing. And then I go, oh, I had a crazy shit this morning. How about you guys? Everyone's like, no, normal. Or, you know, like we have the same food. I'm like, oh, that really fucked me up. And you're like, I'm fine. So at a certain point, you're like, I feel crazy not at least trying to figure it out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I should say that four and a half years ago, I had this thought and I got a colonoscopy. And I was excited for them to tell me oh, here's what it is, right? I have the colonoscopy. I get the results. I get the call from the doctor. He's like, yeah, your colonoscopy is pretty normal. And I go, what do you mean? He's like, you have a slight irritation, but in the normal range of minimal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You don't have anything. You don't have polyps. You don't have something where we see, oh, this is your issue. So then I'm like, okay. And you just kind of keep... He's like, yeah, your GI tract is normal. Keep going, keep going. And then this year, it's like, again, I feel crazy. And then you get one, so I'm like, well, this is the perfect time to have this conversation again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yes, you have the colonoscopy again, or for your first time, and I talk to your doctor, and I'm like... I just don't, I feel like something is wrong, but I just don't understand what it is. It's like so inconsistent. So she's great. And she's like, all right. She goes, she calls me and she goes, we're going to figure this out. Because I lay out in detail everything that I can.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Here's what I'm eating. Here's what happens. And like I even gave the example. I could be eating like very, very clean, right? Like very clean. Like some fruit here and chicken breast and a sweet potato and then, you know, like good healthy food. And I could have a disaster. And then three days later I might be like, oh, fuck it. I'm going to have a cheeseburger and I have a healthy bowel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Like nothing makes sense to me. So she's like, well, to figure this out, We're going to run some tests. So she's like, I need you to go give blood. So I gave blood. And then she goes, now I need you to go pick up your stool kit. So I go to the doctor and I pick up a bucket that I have to shit into.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And then she gave me 12 vials that have scoopers and I have to pick up shit with the scooper and put it into each vial. Eight of the vials are room temperature. Two of them I have to put in the fridge and two I have to put into the freezer. So I have to freeze shit, keep some shit cool, and I have other shit room temp.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And I have to then take all that and deliver it to a lab and go, this was frozen, this was refrigerated, this I kept on the counter. and I have to drop off 12 vials of shit. And the bucket, by the way, it's a plastic, like, flimsy thing. And she goes, oh, please make sure you don't return the bucket. We don't want it after you've shit in it, because some people bring it back.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
i was like i go i was never gonna bring it back she's like i just have to let you know so i picked it up and she's like you might not have enough shit to fill up the 12 vials oh you will but like just do it over and i'm like gagging as she's i'm like and then i uh i go can i borrow some gloves can i take a couple of gloves with me and she's like oh yeah that's a good idea um
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
So anyway, she goes, you might do it multiple times, like one day you shit and you fill these up, and the next day you shit and you fill these up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I mean, they're just like, you know, like bigger than a blood vial.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
No, no, no, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I know, but then here's the other part of me. I don't want to scoop up a slop shit. I'm like telling myself, because you can kind of feel it. You're like, oh, this is going to be a bad one. So I'm like trying to gauge when a good shit's coming and then I'm going to shit into that bucket.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
No, no, no. What pisses me off is the idea that I will do all this, and then they go, everything's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
It was a GI at like Cedars in LA. He was just like, you're fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I don't know. Anyway.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I mean, that's what we're doing. We're just trying to figure out what's going on in my butt hole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I don't have sores, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Who knows? Who knows what's going on there? I hope your butthole feels better, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I don't know. And I didn't ask. And I don't want to know. I just want to drop off the shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, no. I'll be putting it in our other fridges. Of course I'm going to put it in. No, I'm putting it in the kitchen fridge.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I will, and I can.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I want to fucking throw up just thinking about this. It's horrible. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Will you guys come help me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's the answer. We're going to get there sooner or later. That's the answer. No, which one is worse? I don't want to choose one. You can't even pick which one is worse. I don't want to choose one, man. I don't want either of these things. Wait a minute. You're asking me if I would do it, like scoop it? No. I said which is worse for you to watch? Gay stuff or Tom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Gay stuff or me scooping my shit into a vial? What am I watching? You scoop it? Yeah. That ain't shit. That's fine. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's how you do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
So the top of the vial, the thing that you screw off, has a little shovel. So you scoop the shit and you put it in there. That's the other fucking thing. Don't put too much shit and don't put too little shit. Put the perfect amount of shit in here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
By the way, that's how you win any... any like battle like that is like just having a laugh. So they didn't say shit back to him. They're just danced.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
There's got to be lines or something on it, right? Tanner says he'll watch me shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, my God. I don't want anyone else to do it, honestly. I don't want anyone else to do it. I know. I'd pay Fiverr to do it. You'd pay? I would get a Fiverr guy. I would do that. You wouldn't do it yourself?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
What if the doctor was like, we need you to do this? You'd be like, I'm not doing it? I mean, no, I'm saying I'll do it, but, like, someone else is going to do it. I'll hire, like, on Fiverr or something. That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't do it. That'd be a long talk with the Fiverr. He'd be like, wait, what? You're like, so I'll shit into this bucket. Yeah. What's the matter, man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You don't like money? You don't have to come. I'm telling you. All you need to do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
No, a week? No. No, just like overnight, overnight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Just what's in there. Obviously running a lot of tests if they're having me shit this much.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
yeah what about like the like the fecal like matter particles and shit like getting in your fridge they don't tell you they don't do nothing about that well you put you put that out you put the you seal the the vial and then the vial goes into a bag and that's vacuum seal it's not vacuum it's not enough to prevent shit flecks from going everywhere in my food
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
it's disgusting you can't put it where like i'm excited to do this i am now excited at the idea of of people seeing the shit in the fridge this is what motivates me okay here you go um they think it's bacterial that's why they're they're culturing your caca i guess well if it's not physiological if there's no stuff i know then maybe i have maybe i have something in me parasite or something i don't know
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Okay, here we go. Annie? This is also for you. Annie watching Geisha. No, it's not Geisha. It's not gay. It's your inner thoughts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Zero.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That is the coolest tombstone thing, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
For that to be on your tombstone, that would be amazing. I've changed my tone on this dude, too. I was saying that maybe he don't get bitches like that, but no, actually, you can't be that confident saying this shit if you don't get some bitches. But now, you know what I think it is, is that he gets young bitches. They're too young. 20s. Yeah, they're stupid. He talks about his wife sometimes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. And I bet they all agree, nobody's harder than a bitch. They do, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He really has a good time with this though. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Straight up tell them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Whoa.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And then they go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
It's a tactic. Premeditated? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Absolutely. I told you in the beginning. That's why this dude's like, bitches don't understand. They don't respect me or appreciate shit. It's because you set the standard that if I answer the phone, that's a gift to you. That's a big deal. That's a huge, yeah. I don't usually do that for you, right? Goddamn. I'm being so nice to you right now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
yeah it's so toxic usually you don't hear somebody go so bad be toxic like most people who are toxic are kind of unaware of their ways being like yeah that's the awareness i do pretty cool i do feel like he's even a level above yeah this game he's putting out he's this is a tutorial yeah he's brilliant this is pretty cool he's a savant yeah he's a toxic i gotta say kudos to you sir yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, he's a smart guy. Also, it'd be cool, I don't know, maybe we could stop calling it My Inner Thoughts, because I don't like this music, so, you know, that'd be cool. I don't like being associated with this music. Okay, okay, all right, sorry. We'll start calling it Christina's dad's inner thoughts. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Or just gay in general. We've been homies for a long time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Here's some horrible or hilarious for you, Christina. Oh, fuck. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
He was celebrating. Oh, he got a candle. That was a candle that got stuck in his head because he did it with so much force.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
No one was LOLing at that one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, the donkey ride.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
good that's what you get i think it would have been a lot better if they had face planted true they actually turned they did the thing you're supposed to do but it would have been nice to see if you're supposed to turn when you get thrown off a bro well like otherwise it would have been a direct face plant i didn't know that that was standard protocol that's what they tell you to do i like this already oh
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, she broke her leg. You see it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
This leg closest to you. It's okay. Is broken.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Look.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
See, it's underneath her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, I see what happened. See, when he goes down here, okay? Then he tries to overcompensate by dipping his body. See how low he goes? So he gets off the back of the bike, and then the momentum, when he comes forward, launches him forward.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah. And then he landed, looks like, straight onto his head. Cool. That could have ended pretty poorly. No serious injuries. That's cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
No, there wasn't a lot of laughs there. Okay, let's do something to make you laugh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
here's what I really take from this though do whatever you want you don't have to share it no keep your hobbies quiet that's what you like you should keep this as private as your sex life yeah this could just be between you guys scatting pot of beret you know what else I do I piss in his mouth and he gargles with it like yeah we don't need to see it
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
It does. How would you say I have an appointment there?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I don't know. That's a good idea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
What's this place? Hair and skincare.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Houston.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Dude, they're open.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Can you call them? So if they don't say their name when they answer... Josh, if they don't say, be like, what is this? Where am I calling?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Okay. Oh, they're not closed, are they?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, let's see what the voicemail says.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Okay. That's exciting. All right. In a cash-only setting. Those are real foreign vibes. No card. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's a bitch nigga right there. Yeah, exactly. so it's actually yeah yeah all right but he knows yeah he knows nobody here is gonna go oh that's yeah of course yeah no one's saying that nobody's and yeah means beautiful girl or good okay is there a gem okay oh there you go it's a name with a positive connotation but let me tell you how it works in houston my man
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Bik-nya is on nobody's mind in Houston, Texas.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Oh, it's everywhere. Oh, shit. Those are a bunch of different places called bik-nya. That's rad. Hey, man, meet me at bik-nya later today. He's like, you're Eurocentric mind. What do you mean, dude?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
P-H-U-K-E-T. You know what we think when we see that shit, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
There ain't no mystery. You know that people are not going to be like, oh, that's probably bik-nya. No, nobody...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
There's another So Relax. Want to go to So Relax? You know, just wind down after work. Get a So Relax.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Okay. All right. It's fun. It's been a real one. Please watch next week. Yeah. Bad Thoughts on Netflix. Yeah. I'm on tour as well. TomSegura.com slash tour. I have a bunch of dates that I've added for the fall because the spring stuff's about to wrap up and we're going to be in Dayton and Akron, Daytona Beach, West Palm. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Westbury, Hanover, Gary, Indiana, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, baby. Long Beach, Freon, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, and Columbia will be the last show of the year and of the tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
What did those comments say about this? You don't want to know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
There you go. There you go. So relaxed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
All right. Oh. So. God. That's it for this show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
I come back to this every few years just to remind myself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, see, this is the sort of thing that you never allow someone to witness or film. Exactly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That probably happened at the height of her fame. Yes. Where you're like, oh, everything that I do is pretty cool. Yes. Because I'm famous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Why don't you do that? You know how you were saying how he plays the upright bass and you scat along? We kind of want to film that. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, it's tough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
You ready?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Here's your opening clip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Well, she reacted like three seconds late to being flipped over. Like he flipped her over and... I've got real fucking mental problems. She's like, this actually hurts. You flipped me over on a bed. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Well, the room's a mess too. I mean, everything... You think it's funny too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Honestly, meal planning used to stress me out, but now it's actually the easiest part of my week. I love this actual website where you just pick days of the week, pick the meals you want to make, pick how many portions you want. It's so easy. It's intuitive. Try Tastemade Plus free for seven days right now at tastemade.com slash YMH. As a listener, you'll also get 40% off your first year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That is delayed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Yeah, she should have made noise a few seconds earlier.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
That's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And where was it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
All right. Okay. It's true. It's true. So we have like kind of breaking news. I don't know if people know this. We kind of got to. There's so much. Yeah, there's so much. First, I should just remind people that Bad Thoughts comes out on Netflix next week, Tuesday, the 13th. You can set your reminders now. You can actually turn on the reminder if you go through it. It's already on the platform.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Please check it out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
Very, very excite. Okay. That being said.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
About a week ago, Tony John should have been in Las Vegas shooting his first adult scene with the great Alexis Fox. That did not happen. And it's very, very disappointing because Tony John is back in jail.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
All you got to do is stay out of trouble. Just stay out of jail. He was like, I got you. I got you. You know, I said, are you going to do that? Can you stay out of trouble?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
And then I got the update. Guess what? did not not only did not stay out of trouble is in all kinds of trouble he's he's in jail man well is it land i don't know what it's related to this as far as i know isn't it related to like a family dispute now no yep yeah he went and like fought his uncle or something what's what's the origin of that fight
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Not everybody could do this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I'm 40 pounds lighter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
And if she let me eat her booty, yeah, I'ma eat her booty.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
He doesn't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Your mom's house live.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
God, they were big.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, this is either going to make me cry or mad. What's going to happen? No, I think you'll like it. It's nice. I think we should all watch this together. Oh, my God. My name is Nadav Itzkowitz. I am a producer here at YMH Studios. Get ready to have a good, fun show in Chumash. You don't think he's okay? You think he went to work the next day? I think he's totally fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You can't get too much cum in those balls. You get too much cum in your bladder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
What amount of money would you pay to permanently hurt me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I just want to hurt me bad. One. Have you ever fallen in love with a dog? Yes. What were the attributes that person had that made you fall in love? I think it was talking shit to me. You surround yourself with such bullshit. What is your favorite movie? So the story is about Nick King. Oh, my God. He's a dumb piece of shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Yeah, I don't like those, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I am a fucking Jew. Lord knows I'm not a fan of this J shit. What's your new name going to be? Patty O'Callaghan. What's getting the dog baptized?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You're fucking dead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just an outside dog who keeps shitting inside.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Did the dog do bad? Why does he have a job?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Hurry up and find that shit You fucking Jew
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You know what I'm saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh my god. You know what I'm saying? It's because of his hair and shit. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? As a stripper or anything. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's what you're saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
This is a big, big episode.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Jesus.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh my god Bella He's like your beautiful woman
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Welcome to your mom's house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
With Tom Segura.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Welcome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Welcome to your podcast.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You want to be a motherfucker.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Battle Creek, Michigan. I am coming to the Fire Keepers Casino on Friday, May 9th. The pre-sale goes live tomorrow, Thursday, February 6th at 10 a.m. Eastern with the code word TOMMY.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
And he's talking to nobody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's why it's called gay ghost.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Wow. That was great, man. Thanks, Landon. Wow. He pulled out the hits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Sniff that one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Let me eat you one time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So follow Landon's lead. As British as you can get, the stronger the Cockney accent, the better.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
You got to have a birthday in there. He got in way more than that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Sure. Sure, that's good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
She kept a smile on her face like, yeah, she knew he was a crazy person. But sure, yeah, go ahead and do different accents. That's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, but just don't do an American accent.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Do some accent.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, he's so into it. Yeah. No, I would say to most people, you've never had a real person react that way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He goes, how do you say in English, oat milk? What the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay. Now is a good time. Yeah, but no, what you were saying is, though, you were right, though, is that there is a constant hum that exists in men that is a sexual drive. But I think women's is like can be turned on and off depending on their connection to somebody. But a man's is just like just stays there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But here's a perfect example of how a man is always feeling.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He was struggling.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well, Nicky Minaj, but it sounded like something else.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It shows you that the imagination is stronger than anything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Mm-hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
This man's message has not changed in a decade. He's in his 60s, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, and then eat it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No, but here's a perfect example though. This guy, this is what I was trying to tell you earlier. This guy, if a woman was like, I'm sorry, where's the shell station? He'd be like, she's trying to fuck. You know what I mean? So that's what I'm saying. Guys who are like, if any question is asked, they go, would you like me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
You know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's Nicki Minaj.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No, I don't think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He knows it's Nicki Minaj. He does know that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
There's no way. He was like, I'll just call her that. That's fucking so crazy. Right? Yeah. Yeah. You know, to add that to my drop folder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Ready?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Listen, listen. Okay, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, he's definitely dropping. Do you think she would hear that and be like, oh, that's interesting. Nice way to be called out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
We all take supplements, or at least we know we should. But why are so many supplement companies charging outrageous prices for products that aren't even that impressive? It's frustrating and honestly unacceptable. That's why I want to introduce you to LiveGood, a brand that's shaking up the supplement industry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
LiveGood believes everyone deserves high-quality supplements without the crazy markups. They offer premium products made by top natural health experts, cutting out the middleman for the lowest prices. From organic super greens to protein powder and skincare, all their products are top quality and affordable. No wonder they're the fastest growing supplement brand with over 1.5 million customers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Ready to make the switch and start saving? We'll make it even easier for you. Use our link and you can save an additional 10% off your first order on top. of the already lowest prices. Just go to livegood.com slash YMH to save 10% off your first order. That's livegood.com slash YMH. Don't miss out on this opportunity to invest in your health without overspending.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Your lipsticks are on fire, and Shopify is telling you that it's really working. Nobody does selling better than Shopify. It's home to the number one checkout in the world. And the not-so-secret secret? ShopPay, which boosts conversions by up to 50%, meaning fewer abandoned carts and more...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
If you're serious about growing your business, your commerce platform needs to be ready to sell wherever your customers are, on the web, in your store, in the feed, and everywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Allo and Skims use. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash momshouse, all lowercase.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's the same thing that Jeans use to sell her lipstick. Go to shopify.com slash momshouse to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash M-O-M-S-H-O-U-S-E.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So Trump's been in office now. Not long. I thought that was a good segue. He might call her that. Who's that singer? The one with the big ass that's been singing? I like her. So he's been in office signing executive orders every day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
On fire. Deporting people. Free and pardoning people. Changing, you know, militaries. Getting the transgenders out. Just a lot of, he's just like on a roll.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But this is what I love about how art reacts to political climate or big things that happen in the world. That's what artists do. They react, right? Yes. There's war or there's somebody in power and then you get an artist maybe paint something incredible or a movie comes out that touches on this subject.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That woman, though. Wow, what a beautiful song.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Molly Galler. Thank you, Molly. She posts videos of her and her family band, the Galler family, playing instruments. This is a video where she composed about black, indigenous, and people of color. She only has 85 subscribers on YouTube, so hopefully that number goes up. And this video has amassed over 2,000 views. I think it's really resonated with people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Also, I would consider these, but also I just have to give a plug. Fancy Chef is offering incredible products. Valentine's Day packages. I've seen it on his page. He's doing strawberries, panties and diamonds.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I know, that's the one. She probably lost half the people that liked the song.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But I feel like the thing that is really nice about this is that, you know, it just it taps into every group.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, you forgot somebody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Can you imagine how exhausting she is in real life?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's what I thought about. As she was singing, I was like, man, if you made me spend time with this person, how quickly I would unravel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's everything, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well, she needed some rhythm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
She turned the comments off on this video, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I cannot imagine why.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I would rather be with a born-again Christian.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Maybe because I have a specific person to compare them to, and this is a broad description.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But you'd have to show me the specific born-again Christian.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, fucking, I would love to be with that guy. Are you kidding me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, yeah. He's got multiple. Yep, I've seen him plug them. So if you're considering, you know. Oh, wow. Yeah, doing that. Yeah, he's got a Super Bowl package also. That's awesome. But yeah, Valentine's he's really been into it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Is he on my thing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay, hold on. I wish we could get the two of them together. Oh my God, he's the fucking greatest. He is the greatest. Oh yeah, there he is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He's got to be so fucking happy right now. This or the other one? Right. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Just songwriting alone, this is a way better song.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, but the song, the lyrics, lyrics, spitting bars compared to that. I mean, this is a cypher. He fucking wins.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Also, do you not like insight? I mean, this is just a.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I would never stop asking questions.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Let me ask you this. How the fuck have we never contacted this man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
You've been trying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He won't respond?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
God damn it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
If we can't get William Tapley, the third eagle of the apocalypse, on the show, what the fuck are we even doing? This is incredible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, Norm Somerton.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Mansions, yachts, castles, millionaires. Oh, I bet you those strawberries right there in the middle on that plate, I bet you that's Valentine's. Valentine's Day. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Those are crazy tips he's got.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I mean, a lot. You do them all the time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He had probably some natural skin and meat there, and then he just puts those tit cups in and he fucking works them six, seven hours at a time. But that actually is a really great example of how commitment and discipline is how you get results. You can't just wish you had tits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Now that you said that, I have to show you this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
yeah they look really good he's like let's check that out you can get that for about like yeah three four hundred dollars he sends you those yeah it's a good deal look i couldn't think of something like that yeah three strawberries positioned so beautifully yeah it looks good it spells valentine's day chef well he's never said valentine's day so i don't know why they're yeah yeah it's pretty it's pretty guys yeah he's got i've seen him if you scroll down
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's the best thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He is the man. See? We're singing that one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It is funny how the Romani are actually loathed by all of society.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, those are like travelers in the States, though. That's like West Virginia gypsies.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, but if you go to see the real Romani people of Europe, they're fucking the worst, man. They're just pariahs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, they get married at like 14.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I clean. It's real important to clean. Yeah, they're doing work.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I'm 20. I got six kids. That's cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Dude, when I went to Budapest the first time... I did this small theater, and I was like, it's great to be here. And they were so receptive. The audience was so great. And I was like, I've been learning some Hungarian. And I just go like, rohatsiga. And they were like, whoa. And they cheered. They cheered. Which is rotten gypsy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
And then I also said it to my driver, and he goes, whoa, whoa. He goes, be careful. Say that outside, they kill you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He was like, no, no, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But then he was like, you know, the Jews have kind of taken over this neighborhood. It's better if you go over across the bridge to that place over there. There's not so many of them here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well, he's a big fan of Victor Orban. Trump is. He's been like, that guy gets it. Because Orban also was like, you're not welcome here. That was one of his messages. He's like, if you're looking for a place to go, do not come to Hungary. He's like, we do not want you. We have fences and we will shoot you if you jump over them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
And also, we speak Hungarian. And if you want to be here, fucking learn it. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I think, oh, right there on the car. I bet you that's a Valentine's Day post.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's the kind of guy I'd like to have a beer with, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I would love to just hear him be like, oh, there's no one around. What's up? Yeah. Like these fucking gypsies. He would say.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah. And then the thing when you do that is like when someone's like that, you go, yeah, yeah, man. What else?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It is a banger, dude. It's a really good one. Yeah. It's a really good one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's a real thing I should say too because I know there's people who are like, what the fuck? And it's like, as somebody who has witnessed this, it is a real, like it's a real phobia that is deep seated and genuine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's like when somebody gargles pee and then they jizz.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Every time there's been puke on this show, you throw your headphones off and you go, I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. And you scream at me. Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Are you ready to be put to the test?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No, the kid's in the back.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Kind of funny, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Can you keep going?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
You're doing great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Can you keep the test going?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I'm impressed. This is progress.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, it's really crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay, you ready for another one? Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay, hold on a second. My bad. That was the wrong one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I understand.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Nauseous yourself, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Play it or move to the next one?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Remember...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah. And he's at a game. Just sitting in the stands.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Can you imagine him leaving this fucking thing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Like how he walks out of there? Look at the cameras behind him. People are like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
You just do that, I guess. Although I wouldn't want it all over myself. I would turn to the aisle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He's absolutely hammered, yeah. He's probably had 40 beers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He started at 9 a.m. and this is like an 8 p.m. game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He eats too, believe me, but.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't want kids stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, fuck. That was horrible. You guys can eat shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I have one more bonus one for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So here's what happened.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So yesterday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yesterday, I was in the gym, and we did this. kind of cardio circuit, high-intensity thing. Yesterday? Yesterday, yesterday. And it kicked my ass. And then, yeah, I think my conditioning is trash, so I'm trying to get better at it. So then today, I didn't sleep very well, so I was pretty tired. I got up early. I went back to the gym.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I had just a little peanut butter, a little fruit, and we lifted, and I thought we were just doing that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
because typically if you go like high intensity cardio one day yeah you know the next day you'll do maybe like steady state like lower intensity before you know so but we did it we did a different one again and the thing was you run 500 meters and then you get on the ergo skier 20 calories you just you do it at like a high clip right and then you one minute recovery you do it again so
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So I did the first round, and I pushed it. I probably should have done it at a steadier pace, but I did it hard. So on the second round...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
um i do it again a little slower because i'm starting to get fatigued and i'm like and then i'm um do the i do the minute recovery and then i'm about to get on for round three and i was like man like i just like my heart rate is spiking i feel weird and then i i sent this to to zolo okay here we go
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I would love to hear of somebody ordering this just to see what the unboxing is like. So I hope one of you lets us know that you've got the $300 or $500 special with cream, strawberries, ranch, panties, diamonds. It's got to be just... I wonder what the margin is on that. I wonder what the cost is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It was just water that came out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Fluid.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Pretty cool, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, you watched me throw, I threw up into a trash can.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Keep your foot on the gas.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
With what you're doing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No, I meant, like, don't go, this is the end of the road.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So that is, for people listening or even if you're watching this, what appears to happen is that this structure is like a metal structure that is in the ground, probably cemented into the ground.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
You know what I mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, well, he's standing in a real bad spot, obviously. Yeah. It was welded to the ground, and then... It's a bad idea. It's a really cool aftermath explanation in here. I'm not even going to read it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay. Here we go. Let's go to the next one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I mean, he's probably losing money.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I've seen that in person, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I went to one and I saw it happen in person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
This is kickboxing, yeah. I think, yeah, kickboxing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Sure. Hair looks better.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's a good haircut.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, he's giving you something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Nothing. I just was thinking about how horrific these last two were. Hopefully this next one has a little humor to it. Here we go. Oh, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's very exciting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
There's no way he's okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Crew claims he is still in one piece and went back to try the jumps again to complete them. What the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That looked so rough. That looked really rough, man. Yeah, it was terrible. All three have been horrible, by the way, so far.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, fuck. Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
At least there was water down there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well, the rocks didn't help, but yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't know. Let's see what his injuries were. Here we go. See, 60 feet he fell. He was trying to jump from the tree, but slipped after. He broke his arm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Not too bad. Probably the rocks did that. That was a nice one to wrap that up on. Jesus Christ, guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's so great. Okay, are you ready for the show to start? I'm ready.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He didn't think he was coming down. He was just like, I'm going to jump from one tree to the next.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I think he was trying to jump to a tree.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay, let me show you one that is funny. Okay. Because I have one that I sent in that is funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Let's do it. Hello. I mean, this woman's pussy was beautiful. And I buried my face in it for an hour and a half, and I am not ashamed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah. Upper back pain removal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
With a fucking bomb going off. Yeah. There's no way this is a proven thing in medicine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
If you have back pain, take a hammer and just club the shit out of somebody in that spot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Pretty cool, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
By the way, when you were in the hospital, would you have liked to have seen this as you were recovering?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, and how does she not notice that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
The patient's friend recorded her flossing, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
This is in Ottumwa, Iowa.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
At the Ottumwa Regional Health Center. He was being treated for congenital heart disease.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, she was fired. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
In public, flossing's gross. That's a private thing, I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
This is the most brazen thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I like how she turns at the end like, shit, I guess I'll turn away.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
We got the president of YMH Studios. Yes. We should point that out. New Christine, also known as Emma Hicks. She won her first AVN for best POV anal scene.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's Emma Hicks POV anal Jules Jordan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's pretty great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
POV anal. That's awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I guess you're the guy. The camera is the guy. So you get to like... You're there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's his POV.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So you get to be like, oh, I'm doing this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Make sure you send that link out to everybody in the company. Congratulations, Emma.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
And for your award. That's incredible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Here you go. Some of your talks of the week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
This fucking depth that this guy gets to with these and how close his legs are together. It's really fucking, look at that. It's fucking crazy. It's amazing. Yeah. That's nuts.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
For you doing the lift?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, you want it to be more impressive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
i don't know what's happening it's some woman's dream too you know somebody somebody's like fuck i love when he does yeah that was pretty hot yeah did you like that i like that more than um the opening clip really yeah i'd rather watch that than because there's just more dynamics to his performance
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
The purest form of bullying is just laughing at somebody. You don't say anything. You don't say anything. Can we see one more time? And that person knows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, they bullied him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
He's just got his furry ears on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
By the way, the guy's minding his own business.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Just going for a walk. Bro definitely got the tailwind right now, too. Yeah, of course he does. This is crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Just going about his life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Wrapped in bacon. I don't believe that grill is big enough for this, sir.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No, this is like a 24-hour process for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, it's going to be delicious. Also, though, but wasn't that gator not skinned?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I would skin that before I smoked it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
You want to eat leather? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't know, but something tells me this guy knows what he's doing, so maybe I should shut the fuck up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
On what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Thank you and rock on is the sign-off?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
She shits everywhere. She shit all over the seat. Yeah. My opinion is your mom might have a good point here. Um, also another opinion is change your sheets and, uh, yeah, don't let the dog back in the bed. Maybe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah. Those are my opinions on this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I mean, this woman's pussy was beautiful.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Come on. How can you not love the Irish? So there's 5,000 people that are Irish outside a Victoria's Secret in Denmark.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't think that has anything to do with that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
These guys are not there because of that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Honestly, I really don't understand. How does this not arouse you? Seriously.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
No, women in Denmark are not inherently... All right, these are just drunk soccer hooligans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
They're just like, chicks are buying bras. And they're just singing, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Oh, yeah, when you bought panties? I'd be like, yeah, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
This guy's definitely not alive, but that is, yeah. He's probably done that for 60, you know how many people hate him? Hey! The pride flag that we're hanging at our house this year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
There's a placard. Hmm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well, it looks like there's some of those colors. I mean, he's got a lot of colors in there already.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, but some of the colors are already represented there. But yeah, it could be more inclusive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's definitely important. I'm glad he did this, and I'm glad I learned something. That was good. Also... Yeah? He's got a lot going on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, they are deep. And I also feel like this is a wonderful message that this man said. I think that your natural recoil that I witnessed is simply due to the packaging. In other words, if this were a different man, you'd be like. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I thought he was starting that with like talking about his friend.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Cool. It's really nice, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That guy should order Starbucks and say happy birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I thought we were watching Polish for the first few seconds.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
That's insane. Man, that's going to be a doctor one day. Isn't that wild?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Fucking A, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Happy birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
It's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Happy birthday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Do anyone understand that? Man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I know. It's a good point. Look at his little smirk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well, he just knows he said something naughty. He's like, you know why women should have knee pads on when a guy doesn't have pants on?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I'm going to eat your ass.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Pretty cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
This was fantastic. I had so much fun today. So did I. And congratulations. You really are defeating your puke phobia.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Don't forget, Valentine's right around the corner.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Order your lipsticks. Order strawberries and ranch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Diamonds and panties. And, yeah. Let's see here. I will play something cool for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
All right. We're going to go out on this song. We'll see you next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, I get you. Well, maybe he's just trying to work up to that confidence.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I think he might in a different setting. He's not gonna say it in a press junket, but I think if you were sitting around, we're smoking cigars, talking about our life's work, and then I was talking about his travels, he was like, oh man, one time. That's what I like. Yeah, that's different. I was in the south of France, and this woman's pussy was just beautiful, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Right, it's different. So I'm saying the message is the same. It's the packaging and the delivery.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But let's watch this guy again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I mean, this woman's pussy was beautiful. And I buried my face in it for an hour and a half, and I am not ashamed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Can I tell you something, though?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But here's the thing. He is ashamed. Like the way he's saying it, he's like, I'm not ashamed. That's like a shame that he feels.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Well, I'm saying his body language and the way he's saying it, it infers shame.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Maybe he still has guilt about that kind of thing. What I also find interesting is that he's – you know, is this just, is someone asking him a question or is he just like, I gotta get this out there?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Ghost Crew's the shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
God, can you fucking stop doing that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
So gross. Nobody wants to fucking hear that. Just for that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Anyway. Fucking play it again. I mean, this woman's pussy was beautiful.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't think it's a support group. I really feel like he hasn't been able to share this and it's been inside of him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Because that's an old story. I don't think it's something that happened last week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Because you're fucking so gross with it. You're clearing your throat. I have phlegm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
But turn away.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Ever. Fuck me in my ass, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Flowers, man. You can't lose when you get flowers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
To claim your double, your roses offer, go to 1-800-Flowers.com slash YMH. That's 1-800-Flowers.com slash YMH. Go ahead, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Feels good when you're fucking me. It's pretty great. It is really great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I don't think of you as a people person. Not now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah. I mean, I think, well, but some of this is like the context of a conversation. So like if a man approaches a woman, right. A lot of times, like in other words, you're sitting there and someone just walks over and talks to you. That's usually a sign of interest from the man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I mean, I definitely don't think that a woman who says something to me is interested in me. I think that's a crazy thought of that guy. But I also think that there's different, like there are guys who are usually, they're off when they think like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
Yeah, I think a guy is definitely, he's not used to being around women. If his first thought when a woman talks to him is like, this woman likes me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
All my audio just cut out. I don't have any audio.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
I didn't. So there's only one good happy birthday governor that came in this week, but it's a good one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Christina Faces Her Deepest Fears (It's Puke) | Your Mom's House Ep. 796
please send them in. It's a British accent, and you say happy birthday, and you get your coffee.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Started fucking pulling three and I just grunt now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That, I'll tell you what though, the scrollers, they're not that serious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Gender is just a construct of your mind. Also, you know what's fun to do if your lady isn't into wearing lipstick is you get lipstick and you write things on her body.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
They're dilettantes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And there's also the chatty Cathy's, the ones who do a set and then they go over and they just have full fucking 12 minute conversations about things. And you're like, aren't you supposed to be focused here doing something? I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
What are you doing? I'm thrilled that you're doing it. I really think there's nothing better. I've been going to my gym, and it's the fucking greatest. I love it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You have an open invite to my gym. I will not be coming to your gym, but you can come to mine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Buongiorno and welcome to your mom's house. The latest and greatest hard-hitting news. We're going to cover it all today. We'll get you in on the Senate confirmations for the cabinet. And yeah, there's just so much going on in the world. What's going on in Ukraine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
All right. Now, I've been just absolutely...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
killing it yeah yeah yeah every morning what get up and train yeah it's the best i feel so good it was it really was great leading up to production and then coming during production it was a goddamn nightmare to do anything i would only do it on off days of course i was exhausted but i'm happy you're doing this i think you're gonna really and one day you might look like this Look at this guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Like what? Dummy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
If you're listening right now, there is a man crossing the street in Brooklyn who is blind and he's got the... What is it? The seeing eyes? What do they call it? The stick?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Sure. The blind guy stick. And he's trying to figure out how to cross the street here. He's clearly blind. And he is... In his 60s, and he is beyond jacked. This dude is yoked up. He's in a tank. It looks like he's got a weightlifting belt on, and he is so fucking jacked. He is so ripped, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. This part. Yeah. You write it across her chest when she's sleeping and she wakes up. She's like, what the fuck? And you're like, I wrote that on you, you stupid. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just a different idea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
it's yeah and I've seen it and I see it on the pictures in my gym of like the champions you know yeah they're flexing and I'm like yeah but how come the bottom is so tiny yeah that's a thing it's like well that's like so many so many meatheads just care about like the top bench press and arms that's all they do and then they yes that's that whole thing of like don't skip leg day don't skip leg day bro yeah now I know what that means I never knew what that meant yeah exactly yeah he looks good though I like see it a lot in the gay community um
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's true. Go do that. That's a real lesson.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
They do make lady gyms, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And it's just like all broads. Yeah. Yeah. It's a very big business.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. That is really cool. I've seen it in movies. Oh, yeah?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You don't know about this? Yeah, of course. How come nobody... There's even gyms that are like women only.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And then there's like the hoity-toity. Yeah. There's like the high-end stuff. Like what's it called? Soul cycling. No, I'm thinking of the one that's really nice. Is it X... Equinox? Equinox. Oh, yeah. Equinox is like usually like the high end, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's still like a really nice gym.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's a different culture.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Sounds like you want to be with the real fucking. With the bros. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
European. I'm a cinephile. Anyway, it is the holidays. If you want to come see me on tour, we announced a bunch of shows. We added shows in a couple of cities. We've added shows in D.C. We've added shows in Louisville, Kentucky. And there's more being added. So get some tickets. TomSegura.com slash tour. It's a great holiday gift. to give your loved one tickets to a show, live show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
There's a trend online of women who are such dumb twats who they go to gyms and they set up cameras to record themselves. Like I'm recording myself doing this set. So embarrassing. And then they post the video of like, look at these guys. Look, check it out. And they complain about it. And they'll do it for a guy who's literally just like glancing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
They're like, look at this guy checking. That's a normal thing to do. That's normal. People look around. They're making it sound like someone's going like... No. Staring at them. Yeah. And they usually get ripped apart for it, actually.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, yeah. They're missing limbs. They know what can happen. I know. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, I like that you told me about that yoga class you went to where there's just always one guy. Yeah, and we passed by there on Sundays.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And it's like 16 chicks and one guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Have you done that? The thing about the difference between, yeah, that's a totally different.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
The thing about those moms. The difference between like Pilates and yoga though is like if you're in a Pilates and you're on the Reformer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
There's not really... It can be very difficult, right? It can be very challenging. You can't really... But in yoga, you can be like, I can't really do this pose. And you can just kind of go like... And they're like, just breathe. Just take it easy. And you can just be the guy in the back. Wow, there's a lot of buttholes here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I'm just going to child's pose this one. My ankle isn't ready for this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
When we did that for... Remember we did a Sober October challenge? I have to say, it totally changes your perspective and your respect for it. Yoga can also just be completely brutal as far as a challenge. It fucking kicks your ass. If you've never done it, especially if you're an active person and you're just like, I've never done it, I cannot recommend trying that enough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Go into it hydrated and ready to feel things you've never felt before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, any of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Speaking of working out in bodies, we last talked about some of the hottest and not so hottest first ladies. That's right. We didn't do presidents.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, so how about we look at some of the hottest presidents? Preses, yeah. U.S. presidents maybe? Or are we going to look at international presidents? Oh, so this is great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Let's see what's up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, I think a lot of that, too, is deliberate. I think, you know, being the president and, you know, he could probably throw his dick around if he wanted to, but there's a certain way you carry yourself. Barack, yeah. Yeah, for sure. That's true. But he is very well, like, put together. Oh, yeah. The guy's always physically fit. Yeah. And I think, especially if you're talking about
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
In that world of presidents, that's like he's an outlier. He was always in really good shape. George W., as president, unbelievably good shape. This guy was running six-minute miles all the time and for multiple miles. He was in really good physical condition. Let's see who we got. Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I mean, people came to the, I was at the club last night at the Comedy Mothership here in Austin. And I was hanging out with people that go, yeah, that I've never seen live. And I go, well, there's, they're like, yeah, there's nothing like a live show. They just watch specials and stuff, but just fun. But there really is nothing like live, live performances.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He looks great. Oh, yeah. It's also, generationally, if you look at the 60s and what they considered physically fit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, see? Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. I would say that's a very fair rating.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Okay. He looks great. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Holy shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I mean, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's what we're going to say. What age? If we can look at anybody in their 80s. No, of course. He's 80 years old.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's super young Biden. That's sweet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No, the hair's not great. No, that's bad hair. But he's got a handsome enough face. I think he's a decent face. I don't know what he would look like shirtless in this era, but it's probably just fair.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
So what are you going to scale him? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I mean, here's the thing. You have to remember something. It gets a lot worse. So don't forget that on this scale. It gets a lot worse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No, no. I'm saying you can grade him objectively. But just don't forget if you're like if you think this is bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
We're not going into negative numbers. So just remember that. I think that this is, to be fair, and if you're saying Obama's a nut, you got to go down to like six.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Because this is above average, for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's a presidential six.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Should we go to the- But he's right, but Obama was president in his 40s.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No, it's a fair point. It's what you are as president.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
All right. We have to. There's got to be rules. Sort it out. All right. All right. Fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That guy. You got to go down a couple notches.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. No, it's a nightmare.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No. Boo. Who's worse than him? You just started the fucking game.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
A three. Give him a three. I'm telling you, you don't know what's coming up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I don't think you're right. I think it gets notably worse. I think it gets notably worse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Have you seen... Who's older? Who's been president, though?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
We each have our own scale. Okay. Keep going. Let's move on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's a solid three.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Keep going.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's 98. He's president there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Is this before or after? It says it. He's president.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
They're having a good time. You just fucking let them have fun. No. This is such bullshit. So.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Bill. Are there more photos or just this one? Is there something underneath that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Cardiff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Right. Oh, there he is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
People have asked me, and I wanted to actually respond to people, like, why aren't you doing a more extensive European tour? And it really is just...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Charisma plays a role. Great. Personality plays a role.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He played the sax. And he also had swag times a thousand. He's the swaggiest president we've ever had.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's a package. It's the whole thing. You're not just like separating the two. Oh, I do. You're no fun to do this with. Like it's literally, you're making this difficult. Just have fun for Christ's sake. It's him, what he looks like and who he is. It's all together. It's a package. So yes, you consider the looks, but you also know the guy. So you have to go, it's all together. Is it great? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Does it get worse? Absolutely. So where do you rank him? That's a bad photo. well okay hold on i think biden's still the worst i think he's at a three and a half four i feel like i'm more generous than you i i feel like i don't think that's fair to say that that's not even average i'll tell you why look at the look at the pool of talent you don't think that's even average
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
What the fuck are we talking about here? What are we talking about?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Do you understand why a woman cannot be president? Like, do you understand it? Because it's so clear now, right? We're playing a game about who is fucking, how attractive they are in their bathing suits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
scheduling and life commitments that just don't allow it's uh i would love to believe me i i love doing all the cities that i've done before in paris berlin and and and copenhagen and and so on and so forth it's just you have to have the time to do it it's too much time too much time yeah you can't do it all that's why if you're asking me it's not that i don't want to go it's just that i don't have the time that's it you don't have the time you're a very important guy
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Meaning you can't just rank the fucking, the abs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You're the worst.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No, you are the worst. Ask them. Ask them. You said before the whole package, the swag. Ask them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Okay, ask them. Ask them if they understand what you're thinking and how you think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, that's right, because there's only one person that understands how you're thinking right now, and that's you. Nobody else gets this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He gave you the ick.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Who's the next person? Can we move on to the next person? What are you going to rank him? He's a six.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No. Your whole rationale is it's very difficult to process. It's very illogical.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
65.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's 65 years old here. I mean, there's nothing. I don't feel like there's a president in my lifetime who has felt more asexual than H.W. There he is right there. Yeah, I agree. He's keeping it together. This is actually... There's effort involved in this. You know what I mean? He's still running. He's slender. He's not like, you know, oh, my God, super. There he is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's him way before president, though. Just put George H.W. Bush during presidency.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He feels safe. He's a safe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, it's exactly right. Yeah. And I don't feel like he's particularly attractive or unattractive. He's just there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's a pair of khakis. Yeah. So go back to his shirtless photo. You know, he's holding, that's a 65 year old man. He's holding it together. That being said, I think you got to give him, I think you give him a five.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Pretty close. Only a point apart on that one. Maybe we're coming back together. Wow. I love the era of the pants over the belly button.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
They're hooshy, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Is he throwing an apple to a child? What's going on in this photo?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's tossing a coconut.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Now Ronnie, don't forget, he's old as fuck. Ronnie was an actor. I know. So there has to be like some vanity to this person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, it's not, you know, it's just like to do that, you have to commit like a month. You have to do it for like a month. So it's just too much. Too much. But I love you and I would love to come back and do those cities and maybe I can do a second European run at a different time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Scroll down there, it's 84, so he is president in this photo. I'm gonna say he's gotta be also into this. He was a better, I think he's better 65 than HW65, right? Scroll down more, is there any more? Oh, yeah, here he is. No, that's Ford. Do Ronald Reagan shirtless during presidency? It's very important that we get the criteria right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's thin and tall. But that is also so...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's not terrible. But that's older.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's kind of, it looks like it's the same trip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Jesus.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
A little tit-sag.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
How old was he? Just give him the benefit of when he started. He started his presidency in 80? So how about Ronald Reagan, 1980? Let's do that. That's when his presidency started. Can we see that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. I mean, he again, he's kind of, he's not beige. No. Like, HW is real bland.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
There's definitely more charm and charisma.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
To this guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Are you moist between your legs?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
So I'm going to go to six. Wow. Well, I gave HW five. So this is six now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, wow. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's really good. For your 70s, people fall apart in their 70s, like completely fall apart. It's a tough one to crack. Okay. So...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. Last time it was too exhausting. It was too much.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Hey, look at him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yes, 1975.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Scroll down a little. Ooh, that's Nixon. How old is Gerald Ford in 1975? He was born in 1913.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's a big difference between your 60s and 70s. Big diff. Big difference. All right. He's a six and a half.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
We're going on the term of presidency. That's fair.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Six and a half.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's not president there, though, right? No, that's 1950s. He's VP.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, but that's not, we're not, oh, he's got it over his belly button, too. That's so cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, I mean, there's... I mean... He's not a particularly attractive man, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, I mean, that's definitely pre-presidency, but yeah. No, it's not terrible. All right. But that's much younger.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I mean, it's our job, though. That's the other thing. Always is. When people say that to me, I'm like, yeah, but that is my job. My job is to do that. Touring. Yeah. That's how I make a living. Touring. Yeah. Yeah. This supplements it. I love doing this, but touring is the gig. It's the main gig.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Okay. I think it's fair. What do you think? I'll go with five. Okay. Yeah. Are you writing these down? These are important. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He also is way swaggier. He's way cooler. Way cooler. That's my point. That's the point I was making at the beginning of this before you lost your mind, is that their personality plays a role in it. Okay, so he doesn't look particularly amazing, but he's way cooler.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Okay. So what do you think?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I'll give him a seven.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I'm giving him a seven.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. Yep. Also, we're in Texas and he's a Texan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Here it is. Mr. Come Gutters himself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
JFK. He's like, did I nut in you earlier?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, yeah. You see where that got him, huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, my God. You can't do any of this. That's how they got him. Look how happy. They're all just losing their minds. Touching him. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Not like that. Shirtless.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
This is crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Scroll down a little bit. What does it say? He's a gold standard. Going for a swim in Santa Monica. So it's 1962.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. Now, the funny thing is the standard for bodies then. I know. So, like, if you're being, like, today's standards, some people would be like, yeah, I mean, like, he's not grossly overweight, but this guy is not fit. Like, that would be today's thing. They'd be like, yeah, he's not fit. And then they'd be like, this guy is a fucking...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
dime yeah it was great yeah even the women's swimsuits i love back then because you know your pussy lips weren't hanging out your ass wasn't hanging out like it just covered you and you felt like a lady nice phrasing um yeah yeah look at that but that's like yeah he's you know cute you're just like somebody would be like well yeah start going to the gym That's literally what they would say. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I don't know. Some guy. I have some wonderful things to show you. Oh. Even some things I showed last week that you missed that I'm going to bring back just to show you. So happy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
For sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Because it's a normal body. It's normal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He actually has like a normal, healthy look. Now, his son right there, JFK Jr.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Ugh, what a stud. That's a fit guy. Yeah, he's put together. What a stud.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Actually, he doesn't fuck like daddy. No. Daddy fucked.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
look at Jacqueline look at like look at Cary Grant shirtless and and that's a that's like a great like for in this era that was considered the this is the leading man of this is like the hottest man in the world and there's like there's no physique really no it's just he's just like trim yeah like he just has his weight down that's it looks great keep your weight off and that was considered like you're doing great
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, it's all here. We're going to resolve Israel-Palestine. It's all going to be talked about today. So don't you worry. It's all coming up. That being said, Christina P., you have three new shades.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
But for today's era, they'd be like, you're not doing anything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
There's somebody back there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
The two. Yeah. And, you know, for the we had the the big boom of action stars in the 80s going into the 90s was about like Schwarzenegger.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And they're like super, super jacked. Then you see like Bruce Willis and he actually just looks normal. Right. He's not actually he's just healthy. He just looks like weight like your weights down. Yeah. Just looks normal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Die Hard, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Not even, like, particularly in shape, though. It's just not, like... Not a fucking look.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, that's just, like, you know, like, he's just not fat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Wasn't she reportedly like 150? That's a full figure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, no. Well, it fluctuated. 118 to 140.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Full tits. 36D. Full tits. Yeah. Full tits. Tits were probably fucking half that weight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Now you'll get to see them. Here we go. Here's your opening click, and it's just for you. Here we go. Here you go. Blow me up, Tom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
How many more presidents?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
JFK.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He would dump his clip in there, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That is dope.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That is crazy. And it was known. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
So weird.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I don't think that that's a thing now. It's gotta be right. I just don't think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
maybe this is just a different era though oh my god they wanted to shit in my mouth can you believe it you know there's no there's no digital tracking in this era it's just literally like I don't know somebody passes someone a message and then they show up but like this era these guys can't do this shit not like him he was everywhere just my back hurts but if I nut maybe it'll feel better yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
What's underneath him? Is there any more? We've got to be running out of photos here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And then go down? Go down? The men.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Okay. Okay. Yeah. These guys, they're both sub fives. Yeah. Truman Roosevelt. They're like three fours. Yeah. So JFK.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. JFK.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. Star is like attractive level. I think you're right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Anybody in there grossly disagree with any ranking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, I see what you're saying. Oh, yeah, they're dogs. No, I think it's got to be modern era. Yeah, if you can't be like, how about Grover Cleveland? No, those are dogs. Yeah, those guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, those are just the zeros. Yeah. I think you have to do it in this, the photography era.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's pretty, yeah, it's pretty, I mean, understood that it ain't good. None of it was good, yeah. Probably a little harsh right there on Truman, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think we're just over it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's not a great angle, but he's definitely, you know. Also, it's like, but you've got to picture yourself with your mouth between his legs. You know? I can't even. I know. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
What, one of these?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I mean, for the story, probably JFK. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be like, fuck it, I had a pretty good weekend.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I mean, it's obviously all hypothetical, but I feel like there was a little romance to him. Yeah. A little charm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I bet Clinton was super charming, too. I don't think he was just like fucking lay there. I think he was cracking jokes and like, you know, being charming. I think he was probably, yeah, laying it out. And I got you a cab and everything. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was probably nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
but jackie oh i feel bad for jackie yeah she was beautiful and beautiful beautiful and nice pretty nice yeah fancy nice who knew now how about this guy oh right we didn't rank he did lose the lbs for the current for the upcoming yeah there's an argument that his upcoming presidency in which he is notably older he might even look better i think he does look better now than he did
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Because he's doing less of that orange bullshit. He actually feels like he did less crazy hair stuff now. And yeah, he's older, but he dropped like 15, 20 pounds. So there's definitely a case that he looks better, I think, now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I don't know who the fuck could do that to him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Maybe Melania. I do think he looks better now than he did four or six years ago. I really do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
The face cream shit is always insane. I know. The hair has obviously always been a story. It looked absolutely crazy, too. It looked like a dead animal on his head. And he would wear these ill-fitting suits. You got a multi-billionaire wearing these frumpy suits that, like, what happens when you're fat is you want to cover your fat. Yeah. So you start buying things that are too big.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And you just look fatter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
But I think he actually looks better now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No, that's a totally different category. She smokes up. Yeah, so if you had to rank him, he's definitely not doing any shirtless photos, but I think... God, this is tough. Pull up our chart again. I would say he's in his 70s. I'm going to give him a Truman ranking. Like a 3-4? Yeah. Yeah. It feels fair.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. Now you have to. He's definitely better than that. So if I gave Biden a three. Yeah, I would say that Trump's a four and a half. He's 70 fucking eight years old. Also looks better. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
This was important. We're going to get to Syria and some of the issues going on internationally in a moment. Yeah, but this was important work.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, like I said, things you care about are things you get passionate about. Yeah. Here's something to transition you out of that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's not that different than taking a shit in your underwear. It's the same type of thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It is, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, you know, he's doing diarrhea tests. Sometimes he's like, oh, it's not diarrhea. It's solid or it's just urine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
We think eggs just grow on trees. This guy goes out and buys eggs. He's doing it for like, this will get people excited.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, I got some interesting stuff to show you. Is this horrible or hilarious? Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
wow yeah i think that means my arm yeah yeah yeah so it sounds like you kind of laughed i liked it i thought it was funny because she should know better than to go next to that yeah she should here we go that was a good one how did that happen he's okay he's okay
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Because this guy is double jointed. He's just having fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. It was fun. That was horrible. Because you think he's just cracked his leg in half, but it really was just double jointed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
We also, speaking of videos like this, we got an interesting email from a listener. Hey, guys. I was listening to the Adrienne Appaloochee episode. By the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. You guys are, of course, what? I just choked for a second. I can't choke. Hey, fuck you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Why is it scary?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Everyone's fired. You guys... The level of disrespect.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You know, first it was the face. Now I fucking choke on saliva for a second and you guys make it a big fucking deal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I'm returning your Christmas present. I was listening today to the Adrienne Appalachia episode. She has a great new special on Netflix. You guys, of course, are 100% free to do your thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yes. But just one person's reaction. I'm unsubscribing because of the cavalier attitude. to actual human suffering is too much, in parentheses, for me. Understandably, that a lot of comedy is about real human suffering, but this crosses the line, once again in parentheses, for me. You're both doing great. This doesn't represent an existential threat to your well-being.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
But if my message makes it to you, then I've communicated my wish for more compassion and different choices. And I think that makes a better world. And I think comedy contributes to that better world. Uri. Okay. Thanks, Uri. Here you go. That guy is fucked.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That was real bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That maybe that he would land and just keep on riding? I don't know. It's definitely a man. I don't have to get a check on that. That's a guy. Let's see what it says here. That was really just all dumb. Yep, it was Danny Fender. Let's see. Holy shit. This dude, after that, he says he hit the drop with too much speed. and it was also very windy. He later confirmed he had no broken bones.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Only a few scratches and a swollen knee. That is unbelievable. Here, I'll just say this. Danny, I'm glad you're okay. That looked like the dumbest thing I'd ever seen anyone do, but I'm glad you're okay. Yeah. That was okay. I thought you were definitely dead. That was wild, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
What's funny is that I don't think he knows how to kiss. He goes... He doesn't understand. That means that's probably how he would kiss you. Let me see again? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
she's gone that fucking hurt dude she belly flopped she got a mouthful of water fucking top flew off her panties flew off that was terrible she put her feet in two like you got to start skimming you know what is she trying to do she's trying to like foot surf like this but like the that speed and the the obviously the force of putting in you got to like start by just like just grazing the water.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
She just went all the way in. It was too much force. I want to go back to everybody laughing at me. I...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It was scary, and we were like, is he not going to... No, but there's repercussions, is what I'm saying. Oh, no. Oh, yes, there are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, there's no Christmas party anymore. I'm not doing that. Oh, my God. I'm not doing that, and I'm not doing end-of-year bonuses, and I am taking back your gift. Now, let's move on to the next segment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, this guy's really good. I got to say, this guy is really good. I was looking for his name. It's Will the Farter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's on Cameo. If anyone's looking to get a video as your plug, I hope you enjoy him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's kind of like, it's an exaggerated version of a kiss. Yeah. Like if you're showing a 18 month old, you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
So he's one of these guys that can suck air in, right? That's clearly what's happening. Because I had a roommate like this in college that could do this. That's amazing talent. Yeah. And he would get on all fours and just put on shows. Is he on Cameo too? I don't think so. He should be. I think he works in sales.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Way to go, Will.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
All right, there's one. Oh, well, I just figured we should do this for you. Oh, please.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I can't wait to see you choke.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I hope it's bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's how he, but that's how he really does it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Too much momentum. Right? Yeah, he's not really, there's no control in that. He's just swinging them around. It's like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Sir, you should know better.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Nope, hard pass. I'm not showing you again. Oh, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That was too out of the gate I didn't like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
to get called out like you gotta be top of the leaderboard so you gotta be just so getting after it for them to be like so a huge fan of cocks or whatever you can't just name it and get named you know that's the best part yeah this is somebody who's like i am naming it mike and i'm gonna fucking crush it in class today so that they called me out can you start doing this i don't think i can get it up there
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. It's just all the boobs that are in his imagination. Yeah. You don't like that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
seriously how many people ride with you at the same time well I don't always do I don't do the live maybe it's like people in the live classes are doing it but these leaderboards are fucking like some of the things I take will the it'll be 90,000 people you know they're not calling out someone who finishes 47,000 we need to get the mommies on this yeah we gotta yeah this is amazing mommies you know what to do unreal she got it she'll be she'll be she'll be
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You think she choked on saliva? Yeah. You think they made fun of her for that? Do you think they had a little more empathy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
All right, I got something better for you. I don't like it. All right, we'll change it up. We'll change it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
This might be the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
So he's in a cave, in one of those Thai caves, and it is a spider den.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He's like, I gotta get a selfie real quick. Hold on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I feel safe saying that this is white people shit. Yeah. This is just...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's just always the same type.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No, nobody is. Just whiteys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
To do this, A, is crazy. And then B, to be like, I gotta make sure I have my fucking selfie stick to film this for everybody. And make sure I bring a light, too. So you have to be thinking of production as you're doing it. It's just awful.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
What do you think? You want to take that for a ride?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Are you? It's kind of hot. It's got a nice tone. You can't picture that licking up your clam? You wouldn't like to feel that? Babe, stop. If he goes all the way up your crack and all the way up the front? You would not be turned on at all if this guy licked you up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
He looks good. I give him an eight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
If all the presidents were doing this pose, I'd give them a higher ranking. What's up, guys? Today I'm going to be teaching you how to make some... I got to tell you, I really dislike this. This I really dislike.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Because he's so far gone, and this guy so needs an intervention and the full... The house needs to be set on fire. Whatever he's in, they need to just blow it up. Scrambled piss eggs tutorial? Let me guess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, I see that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, that was cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Thanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
How did I upset you at the beginning of the show?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think you need to put more stuff on your walls. It's so bare in there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's so bare. You know, it reminds me of like an apartment when you're 22. Yeah, it's depressing. And you don't know how to hang some things up on the wall.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, yeah. The fucking audacity of whoever called this person sir. It's like, fucking, what is wrong with you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Show a little fucking consideration.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Fucking A, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Something, yeah. Yeah, you got to hang some shit up. Mm-hmm. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Sorry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It was the moment I looked away. He's like, you fucker. Don't say that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Really interesting collection from you today. Thank you. If I had seen this collection... brought to me and someone said, who curated this? I wouldn't have thought this was you. It didn't really feel like Christina vibes. But then again, we're just kind of getting back into things.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
But sometimes horny feels good. It didn't feel so good. It didn't feel good for me either.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah, it was bad. It was sad horny. It was depressing. It was kind of like jail horny, you know, or like psych ward horny. Not the kind of horny where you're like, ooh, I'm turned on. This was depraved horny. Yeah. Real bad, real sad. Thank you. I would kind of credit you for that. So thank you very much.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think being that it's December, we need to go out on something a little more joyful. Yeah. A little better. Good idea. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I don't think that's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Also horny. Again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, you know what? Reliable, consistent. I want to say, Robert, you look handsome. Looks great. You look good. I like the Grinch effect. That was creative. It's in the holiday spirit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I don't think it changes your sperm count.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
It's playful. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think there's some of the usual numbers. Maybe there's an added number because four phone numbers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. He runs through them pretty quick. But God damn, man, you look great. He does. I hope you have a great holiday, Robert. I hope it's really good. We love you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I mean, sure, I can try it, but I'm also... Massage your testes. Yeah, I'll do that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Doing your thing and stuff like that. And hopefully the numbers, I hope all four just keep ringing through the month of December. Great month to visit 2395, apartment 2C, 121st First Avenue, Spanish Harlem in New York. That's where he is. It's very public knowledge. It's actually on Google Maps.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You can look it up. It'll take you right to this man's place. That's the amazing part. That's it. Fun day, fun show. It's December. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves. Do your holiday shopping. It's my favorite month. I love December. December's the best. It's sad that we're going to have an all-new staff after the new year, but... I think that I'm looking forward to meeting them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And, you know, this is everyone's last show. So say your goodbyes. Happy holidays. We'll see you soon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh my God, my sperm count just went up. No, that's made up. I love him, but I don't think that's true at all. I think at some point, Western medicine would be like, we got a little thing to tell you about sperm count. If you rub it and massage it and give it a tap, it's going to go up. I don't think that's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think he knows a lot about sexual energy and extending your orgasms and prolonging ejaculation. But to be like, your sperm count just went up? I don't think that's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You missed this the other day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Hand check? A hand check is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think this is just, I think he, my theory on this is that somebody like this wants to be known for this type of stuff, meaning comedy characters, and what they do is it's not fully engaging everyone, so they take shits on camera to people like, oh, that's the guy, and then they pepper in the stuff that they would like to get the same reaction as the diarrhea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And everybody who does any type of performance knows that feeling. Like, I want to be known for this, but it's not getting the same reaction as this, right? So he's doing a lot of... He does a lot of this slave owner thing. On my way to get one of my slaves pregnant. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think the idea, sometimes ideas come to you. Right. You know, and you're like, that's going to fucking. That's going to hit. It's going to hit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I think he probably thought like, oh, I'll dress up and I'll be like, I'm a slave owner. Yeah. I'll do that. And it'll be, it'll really, you know, get huge reaction. And then if it doesn't, because I don't know what the reaction was to this. It's, you know, it is what it is. But then he probably was like, I should probably just shit my underwear again. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You're saying it, babe, that the truth is like you so many times in stand up, you go, this is a good one. Brilliant. This is like, well, constructed and it's thoughtful and it's layered and I do this and I take them down here and I'm going to say this and then you do it and it gets like a huh. And you're like, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
And then your throwaway thing that you're like, whatever, gets like the applause break.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
That's it. It's always how it goes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
These diarrhea tests are interesting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I don't want this to be perceived as if I am turning my nose up at the diarrhea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
So, yeah, there's a bunch of let's see it. We'll get to it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Oh, you like the tighty-whities on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I do think you were really onto something by doing the cellophane wrap.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Because that reminds you of Sack Lunch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
You introduced me to Sack Lunch. I remember early on, I was like, this is an interesting girl. Where somebody filled up a see-through pair of underwear with diarrhea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Yeah. Cool place. Yeah. Um, I want to just point something out is that for a long time, a long time, Almost the entire time I've known you, I have tried to encourage you in many different ways to lift weights. And you were always like, I'm not a fucking guy. And I don't want to look like a fucking guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Well, December has started, which means the holidays are close. Fellas, does your lady have lips? Maybe a good idea for a gift is to get her the perfect four. Get her some lipstick.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
I was trying to help you out. So... You resisted so much, and I accepted it. And you still would exercise. You would do different things. You would do, I don't know, cardio stuff, Pilates, all this stuff. Then, pretty recently, some broad that you're working out with.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
convinces you i don't know how to give weight lifting a try and you come home and you have a fucking i mean an absolute groundbreaking report yeah yeah you go guess what i think i was wrong And I like weightlifting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
What? You're like, yeah, it took me 20 years to realize it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
She was like, this is what I do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Dudes make sounds.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788
Some dudes in gyms, I've been going to gyms my entire life. Some dudes in gyms are performative. Yes. I mean, it makes sense when you're doing certain lifts, you exert obviously a lot of energy. There's a lot going into heavy lifting. So on certain lifts, it makes sense. Like a grunt, a push. Some guys dial it way up. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Hey everyone, we just announced my Fall 2025 Come Together Tour dates and you can get pre-sale tickets starting today at 10 a.m. local time in each city with the code word TOMMY. Go get your tickets now before the general on-sale this Friday at tomscrow.com slash tour. We added a whole bunch of cities including Allentown, PA, West Lafayette, Indiana, and Colorado Springs, and so many more.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
As great as grand and snug. It'll grip my tongue. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You get carte blanche.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, there's a lot going on. You're right. This is a kind of reverse psychology thing you're doing here. Well, you know what? Okay. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Okay, I'll start with this. I am curious at what the Garfield does, okay? I'm not going to deny that I'm not curious. In my mind, as she told the story, I was like, hmm, I wonder what's going to happen to my tongue. I was like, is it going to pull my tongue out? So I did think that. I mean, she's, you know, she's attractive. She's not an unattractive woman. No. I don't love the ceiling of her car.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't love the headboard there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It is cool guy, lighting and angle. She's driving, talking about her pussy. It's a lot. She's got some questionable judgment things going on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, here's the thing. Like you said, it's fine to just go, you know, would I have... intercourse with this woman, I think I would.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, I think I would. I think I would.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, I would definitely, here's the thing. Is this one that I would
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
tell everyone about like you know if you was a single guy you tell your friend i might i might keep it secret you know i might not tell them hey i uh i fucked our uber driver um but but yeah i mean i'm so curious that her description is appealing so but here's the real question i always wonder is do you take her to your place do you go to her place yeah is that her place is the car her place it might be her place that's what i'm thinking
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That has I live in here vibes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Also, what is that? Like a stopwatch around her neck? What's going on?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's like, I time my drives. You're like, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
There's a lot going on. You're right. She's kind of like, it's kind of chaotic. But here's the only way you make this video as a lady is if you're kind of chaotic, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. This isn't...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
No, this is a secret. This lady is a secret.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Maybe. I don't know. I mean, you definitely are like, no, no, not here. That's the first thing I would say to her. Whatever. She's like, all right. I'd be like, well, not here. That's the first thing I would say to her. Let's go somewhere else. She's like, well, there's a, I go, how about on the outskirts of town? You know, like another town over. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's kind of, this lady, you don't want her to, you don't want her to know where you live, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So that's why, that's number one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
No, no, go ahead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Uh-huh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Of course they did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She is... 150 IQ points above him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't think she would be like, oh, you're cool. I think she's had some attractive partners before. Of course. And put together people. He'll just be like, I saw a woman asleep on the floor. He's a fucking mess, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't have a problem with that being the ceiling in your car. You just don't have to show it in the video.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She could have just made this video parked this way. Maybe not while you're driving. And that's really a safety thing. I don't think you should make these videos while driving. It's not necessary. Guys in the booth, are you curious as to what Herb Garfield's like? Hell yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Zolo?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I want to know. She specifically was like, she's talking about her Garfield grabbing tongues, not because it happened once. There's a bunch of guys who are like, holy shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And then she's right. Then everyone's like, I want to put my dick in there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Um, I was telling Shane last night, because we were talking about video games, and I was like, oh, yeah, you know, we got a PS5, and how the boys, you know, they play their games, and then they like to watch me play games. So they go, are you going to play basketball? I go, yeah, I'll put on like 2K and I'll play. And how if I'm beating the shit out of somebody, they're like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
They used to weigh them in 94?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I figured they started weighing them in the 60s.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, you know, that's why you see fat cops too, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Because they only have to take the fitness test once, which is like in the academy, which is why you'll see these guys who are literally 330 pounds. And you're like, you're going to chase a guy? No. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I mean, that's why cops... They're all bald and shit. They're all bald and shit. And why they don't have a requirement to stay fit is because of the strength of the union. So I imagine flight attendants have... Is there a flight attendants union?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Is there something like that? I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, there's the Association of Flight Attendants. Oh, gosh. Yeah. It is the flight attendant. It represents 50,000 flight attendants. And 100%, one of the things in there is we can be as fat as we want.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You're also giving up the happiness of the people that look at you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You're supposed to look at them and be like, oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
In Asia, if you look at Cathay Pacific, Cathay Pacific Airlines, they're just like, hey, if you're 125, you get fucked. Get off of this plane. They do not fuck around there. Same thing with like, all like those top to your internationals. Yeah, yeah. They all are, look at that. They're all attractive and put together. Singapore Air, Emirates.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Etihad. Yeah. Dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Look at them. Gorgeous. Dimes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And guess what? Everybody on that fucking flight is like this. This is nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
What's wrong with that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Can you not? Yeah, there's restaurants that also only hire attractive women.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's deliberate.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's not just... A big fatty, because I've had big Barb. You know, she comes down like this, and her hips are hitting the seat next to you. Yeah, in your arm. And guess what? She's grumpy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
But if I'm down by one point, they're like, you suck, man. And he's like, yeah, you made like you created friends. Like I just made a couple of friends who are like, so they got your back when you're good. And they make shit on you. Yeah, I was like, yeah, that's true. They're like my little buddies.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's kind of sweaty. Yep. She's not pleasant.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's got a shit. She's a big, big broad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And she's not even providing good service.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Because she's trying to digest food.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Fat, gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, they're fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
We were also talking about...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You're like, oh my God, that's me. Someone's like, hey, you're in the press. And they're like, what? They can picture me? Yeah, it's an article about how there's fat people here. That's cool. That is so sad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's no question. Also, another thing you notice is how... How many attractive people? Obviously, this is a numbers game. How many attractive people do you see in New York walking around?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Everyone's so good looking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah. No. A fucking New York 6 is in Austin 10.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
We're getting a lot of these, hang out, dude, like these, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You see them here, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And I'm like, well, I hope you're looking like that. I hope you get your Garfield grips because you have to bring something to the table. You know, got to bring something to the table here. You wanted to show me this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, that's, yeah, I think this went pretty viral.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And they even made a joke about it. Did you see it? No. On one of their, maybe it was his Instagram or hers. Oh, really? Like, they kind of replayed it in bed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, publicly, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
100%.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's not because of you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's because of me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So how about whenever I feel like talking, you shut the fuck up. And then a fucking, just a little slap.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I think she's a yoga instructor.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You know how there's always reality shows about yoga instructors? No, it's because you married a movie star.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's a gorgeous place. Big room. Yeah, I like that. The guy goes, the word of the day is rude. You were rude to your husband.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Privacy, please. Please shut the door.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Listen. Everybody knows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
What's going on here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, yeah. I'm sure she's got a real grippy Garfield.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I mean, not after seven, but I'm sure it started pretty grippy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, I don't know. It's pretty obvious, right? He's like 30 years older than her or something.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I know, but he met her. He was already like in his 50s.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And she was like, whatever, 28.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
well this is you know the trains left the state you have seven kids with someone yeah maybe that's why she is that why she's cranking someone out to like lock it down lock it down lock it down and also like it's funny because wild dude you can tell who's a real performer and entertainer in this dynamic I mean you're still like you're just still there's a reason why this wasn't your life yes
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, yeah, that was awesome. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You know what happened right here? When he went, he was just like, you can't hit her. You can't hit a woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
No, he's got to be like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, he's a stud, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I'll see you guys out there. Thank you so much.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He's so handsome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And when he was Jack Ryan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
When he played Jack Ryan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
In whatever it's called.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's what he's like. That's his James Bond era. Gorgeous. Yeah. He's fantastic in that. Fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
But that genetic lottery just is what it is. But he definitely got all the good stuff. Yeah. No, he's fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, he's really good. Gosh, I really like him. But this is also part of what putting your whole family on display.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Like reality shows. I cannot believe any of these people sign up. I hope they're paying him a fucking fortune for this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I've been shitting on flights now for a while.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Basically, I never shit on an airplane. And then I turned 40. And then I was like, oh, yeah, if I feel anything, I'm going to shit here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, she's schizophrenic. It's pretty cool. She's really mad at the Canadian government. I know her whole story.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
The Canadian government is attacking her, and they're trying to send these penetrative waves into her place, and they're abusing her, and she just wants somebody to come in and stop them. They even follow her outside and stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And she writes the captions, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So she's still there a little bit. Something's still there. It's not all there. Something's there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
We'll have a follow-up pretty soon. You know, the Baldwin's, I don't think they're doing it right as a family, but I think this is a great move for our family. Using a family cloth instead of toilet paper. Everyone learns responsibility, cleaning the family cloth. You don't have to waste all that fucking money on toilet paper. You know what I mean? Think about how much you would save in a year.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I agree.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I wipe my ass with the family cloth. Yeah. Rinse it off. Put it there for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't think you need to go that far. Just a little run under the sink. Have all the shit go down in the sink and then hang it back up. Now it's your turn.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
No, no, no. It's a family cloth. We share it as a family.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Sure you can. You can just flip over the cloth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
They wipe it. No, you know how they're so meticulous with all the things they do. Perfectly used and perfectly clean.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I thought you'd like that. She's cute.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't know. I just... I just own it, dude. And I also go, I do these things where I realize it's going to be a multi flusher, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's got a great ass.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's got to do this, man. She's got to shit is what she's got to do. She's ready to shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's better than this, man. She could do other things. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Of all the kinks you can get into, farting is like, some people are like, I fart whatever, 20 times a day. They're like, yeah, just roll it. Roll camera.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You don't hear her breathing heavy like, oh, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's just the theatrics. But she doesn't feel like she's really exposing herself. Nope.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Her tits are put away. This is what I'm saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Her clothes are on, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Cause I'll, I'll do a courtesy flush when the first wave comes out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
All right. Well, listen.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Reed, I need a rogue. Reed, I need a rogue.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Don't forget, by the way, his name is Breed. He likes Breed. Breed? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know Breed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Do you like to go by Breed? No, that's just what fucking Annie calls me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Black guys love cool nicknames. I know. He's a lying...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And then, you know, you're wiping, cleaning and wiping. Those are both multiple flushes too. I just go like, yeah, I'm shitting up here. There's no secrets. I'll just let the people know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Okay. Honestly... Honestly? This entire episode, I have just been holding on to get to this. And that is... Oh, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That... Our buddy, Tony Johns. If you have not been following this on Instagram, because we've been traveling, touring, and I've been watching. Every day, I see something of Tony Johns. At first, I was like, oh, this one thing just happened to him. If there was a reality show on this right now, it's the most dramatic two weeks ever. that could possibly happen in somebody's life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So let me just recap what has happened in two to three weeks since this guy... Can we set it up?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
This is in Auburn, New York.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Upstate New York. Okay. And... You know, the only thing we knew, we knew when he came on, just to like kind of set all this up. Yeah. We knew he had been working at Lowe's and that was like a stable thing for him. And then he'd gotten let go. And you're like, well, you know, that does happen, right? People have jobs. They lose their job. It's just a reality of life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And you're like, okay, you lost your job. And he's like, well, now I got a job at Walmart. And you're like, yeah, cool. You were at Lowe's, now you're at Walmart, stocking shelves, you're making a living. You know, hopefully you can do that for a while. The three weeks since we last kind of spoke to him, he lost his job at Walmart.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He's being evicted. He started an OnlyFans charging $20 a month. He has about 10 fans right now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He was kicked out of a library, the public library, because he was filming inappropriate content with panties in his mouth. He got kicked out of Cayuga Community College Library because he was asking for money. He got kicked out of Planet Fitness, which was his favorite judge-free zone, where he would go every fucking day he was at Planet Fitness.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Usually what I do is when I come out of that restroom and you're facing everybody, I make eye contact and I see if they'll break because I go, I'm not going to break. So I look at them like, yeah, I know I just shit. You know it too. And I'll watch them go down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He got kicked out because he was recording in the bathroom, and they reported him for that. He got in trouble at the tanning salon for leaving a mess and hitting on staff. And by mess, I'm assuming there's some fluid. He's seeking a new job. He's taking legal action against the landlord with an attorney for being kicked out of his apartment and for being a prostitute or something there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He believes this is all about jealousy, people don't like him, social discrimination. So here's just, like, let's see, like, kind of a few of these put together, okay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, dear.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
But one of the patterns that you see in all these is he's like, here's some shit happening to me. I don't know where it happened from. And it's like, you know, did a coworker just be like, I'm going to break your fucking neck for no reason?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Because he's like, crazy. Shit's just wild. Fucking insane that this is happening. You're like, well, something happened, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So that's his other favorite new expression.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He's a worker. I'm a worker. He says it a fucking million times a video, okay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, it's the thing is you can't manufacture the confidence. This is something that I've gotten to with age. Twenty five year old me couldn't have done that. Forty five year old me is like. You guys want to hear about some shit I just did? I just took a shit up here. You deal with it. It's your fucking problem.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's not all of it, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Membership's been canceled at Planet Fitness.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
With wraparound shades, a backwards hat, a chain. He's like, you guys hired? I can sell the fuck out of these cars. On live, Instagram live. And the dealerships are like, yeah, why don't you fill out some paperwork? They're like, who's this fucking lunatic? And he's like, I'm a worker. I'm a worker. And just out here, I'm a worker, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't know if he's like, I thought he was using it as the, like, I'm just somebody who works hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
But now I think he just uses it as I'm a sex worker. Like, I think he heard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I think he heard the term and he adopted it. Like, oh, yeah, that's me. I'm a sex worker.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah. He opened his interview. He's like, I got a couple DUIs. And the guy was like, that's cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's the thing. Some people think Fedsmoker has been reincarnated.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And I am not against that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
They're changing the locks on his apartment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So one of the things he's doing... Oh, shit. Is he saying, they're like, are you going to pay any more rent? He's like, fuck no, I'll see you guys in court. It's like, yeah, that's not a good angle for court. They try to throw me out for not paying rent. I want to sue them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't know, man. Then he goes to the community college.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
This is how he showed up to apply for jobs like this. He walked into a car dealership like, you guys hiring? Yeah. But he had a hat on, chains on, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
This is crazy. This is crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He says this a lot, too. He says, this is crazy, I've done nothing wrong, and I'm an innocent man, and then usually I'm a worker, right after that. At least in 15 videos that I've seen.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I think we're going to get to that in a moment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So this is the second library that's asked him to leave.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
We were like, you like the library? And you told him, what's your favorite book? He goes, I like magazines. And then we said, what's your favorite magazine? He goes, I can't lie. I love my hustlers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
At the library? I don't think they carry that. Well, you can bring them in. You're like, oh, cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Dad energy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Here's another. This is, by the way, this isn't taking place over six months.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
This is just literally like 14 days.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
What else do you hear?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
This one came down. We grabbed it before it came down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
A little porn in the background. Then the tanning salon sent him some text messages that he posted. I don't know if you want to take that one. I can't read it, sorry. Anthony, this is a message from Zoom Tan. It has come to our attention that you left your room in an unsanitary condition multiple times. and have been inappropriate with the staff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
If this happens again, your account will be terminated. You will be permanently banned from Zoom 10. He wrote, what are you talking about? Interesting. Let's look at some camera footage. I will be down later around 7. Our salon does not have access to the cameras to review. You are more than welcome to email customer service to speak further. Then he goes, Bet, no worries. Thanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I will be down at stuff I had no idea. I love Zoom tan. I can't get kicked out because I need to look good for my line of work. So please understand I will focus on myself. I won't hit on any of the front desk ladies anymore. Yes, they are all beautiful, but yes, I will focus on myself and I'll be a good boy. I'm sorry it won't happen again. I'm sorry. A little accountability there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Then the Scott the Landlord's back.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
What's everybody?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yes, sir.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I'm curious about that, too. Perhaps my favorite of all these. Is when he did YMH Live, we were like, would you fuck a guy for a million dollars? And he was like, I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe. Yeah. And then we were like, what about like $500,000? He was like, that's a shitload of money. Yeah. It was still like a lot of money, you know? And then now he's like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Usually Fanta.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, the other thing you realize if you are doing that kind of stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You're just working, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, he has a very, very bad relationship with money.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's extremely bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
His perspective is, if I have money, immediately spend it because it's just money and more money will come in later. And you're like, what are you talking about? He spent his money that we gave him in a day. He had trouble getting that check cashed. He couldn't get it cashed, and then he got it cashed, and he was like, now I'm going to spend it all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
yeah as long as i stay thin enough i'm happy with stuff you know yeah i know exactly what you mean um well just also i should say big shout out to all the people in the uk and ireland that came out to the shows um thank you very much i had a great time doing the shows also big surprise but just got to be honest you got to be honest too many muslims in london That's not where I was going.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Let's find out what's going on. Can we call Tony? All right, let's call Tony.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, she wants to pee first. Can I get a beer? Tony.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yo, bro, how's it going, man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, it's Tom and Christina, man. Oh, dude, yo. Woo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's an awesome offer, man. Thanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's just... Tony, I got to ask you something, man. I have been following, like, really in detail.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
um everything going on on instagram for the last few weeks it's been a wild wild few weeks for you and so yes sir i want to ask something so initially i was perplexed that you know the the public library tossed you out that day right crazy it's crazy and you were like this is wild this is crazy but they had to have had some like what was the reason that they kicked you out of the library
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
But you posted photos of you or of her?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And then why did you choose to take those photos at the library? It's a cool setting, but why?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I mean, you're a worker.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And so what? Somebody then saw you taking a photo with a thong in your mouth at the public library, and then they go, hey, get out of here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, let's promote it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Let's talk about OnlyFans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
OK, so hold on here. Make that bigger for me, guys, a little bit. So for people who want to follow Tony's OnlyFans, it's at TonyMichaelJohns96. Yes, ma'am.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, I'm so happy for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So, um, can people see explicit content on your only fans?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And is there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yep.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Shots. Cool. Are you. Have you done any. Oh, so we'll get to this in a second. First of all, very excited for your only fans. Ladies, gentlemen, sign up and subscribe. You can see some awesome stuff. Adult content on Tony's OnlyFans. What happened at Planet Fitness? I thought they were a judge-free zone. Why did they kick you out?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I was talking about the shows. You just kind of give all... You always got to go like, man, people go, what was the best show? You know where the best show was? Where? Cardiff, Wales. The Welsh. I'd never done a show there. All the shows were fun. We did shows in Dublin, in Belfast, in London, in Manchester, in Nottingham. Where am I forgetting?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Kind of like, I thought you were a judge-free zone kind of thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Fucking slumlords.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
100%.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So where do you stand with them? Are you not paying rent?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Dude, this is a- Governor. Governor, I'm so excited.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Performer. 100%, yes, sir. So where does it stand with them? Because I saw you put a, looked like a petition, a court filing online. Are you guys going to be going to court, the two of you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
On the bus?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Wow. What the fuck, man?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Where the sheriff lives. Robin Hood lives. But, man, we get to Cardiff. It's our last gig. We're like, oh, we hope it's a good one. Fucking electric crowd.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Let me ask you this. I noticed that you posted screenshots from Zoom Tan. And they had said in the screenshots that you had left the tanning room you were in in an unsanitary condition. What did you do in there?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Are you on good terms with them now? Did you go down there and work it out?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Um, I also noticed cause it was very compelling to watch that you went to a few car dealerships to try to get hired to sell cars. Um, did any of them kind of make an offer?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And then a week later, come back and do MSG, a sold-out show at MSG.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's right. I think what you should do, because, you know, we've been in touch with Alexis and we're working on getting this scene going with her as your debut. You're still down to do that, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah. So that's going to happen pretty soon. I think what you should do is debut with Alexis and then maybe have your next scene be with a male star.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And I had big secrets. I never announced it, but I had Redman open the show, which was just fucking wild. Absolute, one of my all-time favorites. I mean, I've grown up listening to this guy. Yeah. Reached out, had him open the show, surprise open the show, which was just, it was so amazing. And then I surprised the audience. I had Chris DiStefano do a set.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
We know one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I think we should reach out to him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Film in your place for now or a place that allows that kind of thing. But libraries and stores and stuff, it's just asking for problems. Yeah, I don't want you to get in trouble.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So let's keep... The guys are going to reach out to you because I think we're going to have a schedule for you to go see Alexis here pretty soon. And hopefully after that, you know, we'll do our next. Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Man, I've been like just on pins and needles, just excited to come in here and do this show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, and we'll fly you out there. We're going to fly you out to Vegas to do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So hopefully.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, I think maybe you should pack all your shit for the Vegas trip.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yes, ma'am.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's like the city of Vegas is like a Planet Fitness, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Guys, can Zolo, can you guys get him a schedule soon here so we can kind of lay this out? Yeah, we'll set it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
All right, Tony, thanks for the follow-up. Stay out of trouble. Don't get arrested. Don't get arrested.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Don't forget Enny. He's big on that. I'm good. He don't know me. All right. All right, Tony.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yep, yep.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's just unreal. You guys ready to get your toes sucked?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He didn't have to offer him money. He was just like, I need to suck your toes now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
There's so many people willing to pay for that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And I think he's, you know, here's the thing. He's kind of like a savant secret smart businessman. He doesn't realize that he is... I think finding his lane, which is in gay performing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That is where the money is for a male.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Now, we saw a couple quick screenshots and we don't have to see them again. But Cougar, did you have a chance to review Tony's OnlyFans?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Could you give us a review?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
What's your review of his dong? Is it like a nice-sized dong?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And he goes to completion?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
How's that load? Good size?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You just planted a seed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Maybe we can get him to do a cameo in the scene.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And then had him bring up Joey Diaz, which was another surprise. And then I got up there, and I'll say this, because sometimes you do, I would say here in the States, when you do New York and L.A., you can get big crowds, but you can also get a crowd in either of those cities that's like, you know, who the fuck are you? We're the biggest market. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I'm very busy right now I've got a lot of things going on you know how hard he has to nail down though he's so busy he's got his Coney Island karaoke thing and he's doing Lucifer's Lair he's always busy what if yeah what if yeah bro I feel like I'm sitting here like as Walt Disney in the 1930s being like what if we built a place yeah where people could just lose themselves yes
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And have fun all day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
What if Robert makes a cameo in the scene?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He's always advertised himself as an adult actor.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
This is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, that was a lot, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, because this idea for the scene, the Lexus being Officer Alexis and maybe Officer Cumdump, which is RPC's alter ego.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I think they're going to sell a lot of those fucking scenes, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
But man, his life has been insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Can't wait.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah. You don't get it all in this life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You got to use what you got.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Okay. just real quick before let's just we kind of got it i'm like blown away are you blown away yeah this whole thing is just it's unbelievable this story is one of the it's the greatest storyline of all time it is the greatest i can't believe we're in tony john's life now yeah it's amazing here you go okay Doing donuts. Oh. Do you see it? No. Slow-mo. Okay. The guy drifting hits a cone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Watch the cone. The cone. Just knocks that guy out. That's bad luck. Here's full speed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That cone hits him. So hard. So hard. So fast.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't think that was funny, guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Dudes will do anything to impress.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Push-ups over cinder blocks on a bottle with plastic plates.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, man. Okay. That was terrible. Yeah. I'm just.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, I mean, I'm just thinking of the possibilities.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And you just don't know. Even though it was packed, there was 13,000 people at the show, we were like, well, you know, you go, I don't know what they'll be like. Dude, this crowd was unbelievable. Like literally one of the best crowds I've ever, they were so hot. And they never faded for the entire show. Like they had peak energy. And it was just like, it was so fucking fun, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I think this is how you retire this show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
King Ass Ripper, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Now, here's the thing. Tony Johns said he would get his back blown out, meaning he would be on the receiving end. RPC likes to be on the receiving end. I wonder if we could get Tony to make sweet love to RPC.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's a mile too wild to kink.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, it's pay. He's like, I'll do things for money.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
To each other?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Just look at each other?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, here's the deal. We need to get through this Alexis shoot first. I think we're getting a little too far ahead of ourselves.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Okay. This is the last thing we'll do. I have not been able to finish this video because it makes me so uncomfortable. You understand that a few times I've been alone just with my phone, tried to watch this, and turned it off. So I'm making myself finish it with you guys today. This is a lady giving a speech at her friend's wedding.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's just so, it feels, it's like your inner.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Just to stop this for a second, if you're listening. She's at a wedding of her friend Shannon. Shannon, just for reference, is white. And she's marrying a black guy. So they're showing their image just so you know the context of this. And then the lady giving the speech is also white.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I'm not going to say it. You're black. It's cool. I know. I'm just kidding. You guys are like, I'm not going to be racist, but it's fine that you're. Yeah. Every time this thing starts, I'm like, God, I can't finish this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's so nervous.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And she's like, God, I can't not address the fact that he's black.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's so weird.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't know. Well, I love that you hear the commentary of the person in the film who's like, oh, my God, what? Like, she's pointing it out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
we met oh my god and we were like um that was so weird yeah so this and that guy was south pacific right like he was like samoan or something yeah and yeah the guy was like i met him i was like i don't the fuck this guy looks different yeah totally we were like what the fuck what are you doing man
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I hate giving speeches.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Take care of my girl. Because they're just not equipped to do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I'm not going to be racist. Like, well, thanks. We didn't think you were supposed to. I know this is a great opportunity to be racist, but I'm not going to for the sake of the setting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
weeks yes we got back from the uk okay my so much fun and then we got stuck in the uk for three additional days because of the heathrow fire yeah there's a fire at a power plant that supplies power to heathrow airport and they shut that shit down i don't know if you know that heathrow is not a small airport It's basically the hub of Europe. So it kind of fucked up about 800,000 people's day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It's insane. It's a totally insane thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, you said that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Are the comments cool? Because there's 9,000 of them. I physically can't watch. Yeah, see, I felt embarrassment just watching. I'm hiding in the comments. Yeah, this is how I felt. I just got so goddamn uncomfortable. Yeah. The clapping to let her know you're finished.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
The mic would have been gone. Yeah. Imagine having to live with the memory of doing. Yeah, it's just the whole thing is just.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, the secondhand embarrassment is just... It's pretty gnarly, dude. It's gnarly. It's gnarly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Also, is that... I mean, I'm not an expert on this. Is that a good wedding attire she's wearing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
to me can i tell you what this subconsciously tells me is that she doesn't she doesn't want to be a part of it she doesn't like the guy that's the subconscious thing right because she's not she's dressed kind of slutty it means also wedding like every time she's talked about shannon to somebody else she'd be like you know this she's with a black guy right yeah and she's like you know how fucking crazy that is right yeah and then the other person goes like no that's not a big deal
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Chrissy D. Joey, so funny. Chrissy D. and I were talking about, we were like, look at this fucking guy. He's wearing sweatpants. He's got a bandaid on his ear. He looks like he's walking to his gate at the airport. And he just walks up on stage and demolishes. Meanwhile, like the rest of us are like, hey, you know, is this shirt steamed?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't know. And then she's like, I mean, no, I don't have a problem with it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I don't have a problem. I'm just saying. I'm just saying, like, do you know he's black? And they're like, yeah, I didn't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Like for a night out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Here's something I've been holding onto for a while. I guess I'm just going to let it out here at the wedding. It is crazy that Anthony is black and no, I'm not going to be racist. I'm just saying it is fucking, it's kind of crazy. Huh? Okay. Well, you guys are an awesome couple. It's like, what the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You guys are amazing. I love your videos. I love your songs. I love Dave Chappelle. Anyway, so Obama was cool. Guys, have a great life together. I'm sure I'll see you guys down the road. I love the way you guys dance. It's fucking amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
She's nice. You guys always have so much fucking flair. Your style. I'm like, look at her hair. I wish I could do that with my hair. Anyway.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah, it's so, yeah, it was like she couldn't hold on to her inner, like her repressed inner thoughts had to come out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Well, here's the thing. She'll have to live with this for the rest of her life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Stacy's fucked. All right. I think that's... I'm just so emotional still about the Tony Johns of it all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And let me tell you this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Can you kick?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
We released some new dates. So they are on sale. Pre-sales today. If you're watching the show, if you're listening, code word is Tommy. The on sale is Friday the 4th.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
We are hitting Greenville, Evans, Windsor, Dayton, Akron, Daytona Beach, West Palm Beach, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Westbury, Hanover, Gary, West Lafayette, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Las Vegas, Long Beach, Friant, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, Columbia, and there is,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
One or two more secret, huge ones coming up that we will announce soon. All the tickets are at tomscorer.com slash tour. And I always try to tell people, do not go to third-party sites. For any artists you want to see live, go to their website. Do not pay the scalpers. Just buy it for the reasonable price on the artist's site. Okay, that's it. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Like you're just trying to like make sure you look presentable. Joey's like, what? Like he's just went down to the market to grab a sandwich. And he just goes up there and just kills. It was so fun to watch. He is so amazing. I used to rob people around here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I cannot wait to see how this unfolds. And we will see you guys next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Fart Simpson and Grass Kingdom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
new yorkers are different they're good it was the best it was really fun thank god it's like this will always be a crazy memory for me is um is doing oh my gosh he was so nice too his whole crew was so cool and also so high just how i wanted him to be he was so goddamn high yeah how high well so high he could touch the sky like it was
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
it was very very there was so much there was i was like which which green room is red man in and then you just follow the smell and you're like it's definitely this one yeah glad the kids didn't come to this and primo came out yep dj premiere um a bunch of friends family it was just it was an awesome night yeah sean took that he's framing that for me i thought that was a really cool photo i wonder if that house will open for me if i ever you know do msg after
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Light Strike is non-carbonated, gluten-free, and the perfect alternative to sugary cocktails and fizzy seltzers. Light Strike comes in a resealable sports drink bottle, giving you control over how hard you go. Want half now, half later? No problem. Want a little more alcohol? Try it with a splash of Porosos, mixed with your favorite tropical cocktail.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Launching nationally this month in two flavors, lemon-lime and orange-mango, Light Strike is best enjoyed cold or over ice. It disappears fast, trust me. And by the way, Light Strike is a proud sponsor of the Two Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida on May 4th. Don't forget to come out there and run around with us, and we'll be pounding porosos and Light Strike.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Learn more about Light Strike at drinklightstrike.com or follow on TikTok and Instagram at at Drink Light Strike. Light Strike hard refresher, an excellent source of 5% alcohol. It's 2025. Are your blinds still from 2005? What are you, crazy? There's a better way to buy blinds, shades, shutters, and drapery. Three-day blinds. They're the leading U.S. manufacturer of custom window treatments.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Our very own Chad came in here one day and goes, you know, I'm a big goofball, but I'm feeling rested because these blinds are blacking out my room and I can sleep well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
All because of the blinds. Right now, get quality window treatments that fit your budget with 3-Day Blinds. Head to 3dayblinds.com slash YMH for their buy one, get one 50% off deal on custom blinds, shades, shutters, and drapery. For a free, no charge, no obligation consultation, just head to 3dayblinds.com slash YMH.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
One last time, that's buy one, get one 50% off when you head to the number three, dayblinds.com slash YMH.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
There's a lot of things I like more in Europe, but toilets is not one of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Like for real.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You want to shit somewhere in public? You go to Tokyo. It's the number one toilet system on earth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
7-Eleven has a Toto washlet. I mean, what's going on here? 7-Eleven. I went purposely to 7-Eleven to take a shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Amsterdam set up to pee outside. Yeah. They're like, we know you're going to be ready to pee at any moment as a drunk. So here's this outdoor stall.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
You were leaving to go back to the States. I was leaving to go to Glasgow with my tour crew. So we ended up going on a four-and-a-half-hour train ride, and you guys ended up staying a few extra days, but it fucked up everybody's day there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
And you see the feet. You see people. You're like, oh, that guy's taking a piss right now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
It was the first outdoor urinal. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Once you get past kind of the surprise of this, you're like, well, this is brilliant. I always have to pee. I'm always looking for a place to piss.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
The point is, if you got to pee, you go to Amsterdam. If you think you're going to need to shit, you go to Tokyo. Those are the two places that care about your pee and your poop.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
What's up, everybody? I'll be bringing my come-together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th, I'll be in Philadelphia. I haven't been there in a while. January 24th, San Francisco. The 25th of January, I'm in Reno. January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st, Savannah. February 1st, I'll be in North Charleston. I can't wait to hit all these cities.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I don't know. Good eye.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It smelled like he farted out of his mouth. And I didn't tell him. And it also smelled like that the day before. I wanted to be like, hey, D, are you okay?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You want to know what's crazy? What? I caught him sniffing his Two Bears mic yesterday. So apparently he likes that smell. Dude, he was sniffing it. It was rough.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Guarantee. No medical card required.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I know. But I'll say this. I really prefer a Christina that indulges in this than a Christina that indulges in nothing else. Better person with Viya. This holiday season, gift yourself some peace of mind. If you're 21 and up, check out the link to Viya in our description and use the code YMH to receive 15% off. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
They're light, they're crispy, they taste just like the real thing that we grew up with.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Except it's a way better version. Every serving of Magic Spoon high-protein cereal has crazy macros. 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar, 4 grams of net carbs. They come in so many nostalgic flavors like cocoa and cinnamon roll. I mean, you've been a Magic Spoon maniac.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Check this out, man. Get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com slash YMH or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.com slash YMH for $5 off. I guess we have some footage of Vacation Chris last night at the party.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Let's see what we got.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, there we go. That's another one. So then he wins essentially the Big Dick Energy Award.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Okay. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Everyone wanted to see your dick, Chris.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Will you give us your measurements? No. But is it pretty healthy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It's not that that big.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And then you also, there's a really unique award. I believe it was last. I was surprised. I didn't know what any of these awards were. They gave out the Cunty Award, the FGT Award.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And they were all, everybody was happy to get their awards, even if they were awards like there was like, yeah, who you can mess with them, all these awards.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And then an award was set up, I guess it was set up by Eni, where he gave away the N-word award.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's not what it was called at all. Well, that was the prize. No, the prize.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
The prize was the pass, yeah. Yeah, okay, so what was the category that you called it? We just said blackest person in the office. Okay, the blackest person in the office, and then as you were giving the award, you were like, and then if you get this award, you get the N-word pass, and you have to use it. Okay, so I wasn't that far off. So right here, he's like, say it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Timing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So much confidence. Also, to be in vacation Chris mode and have the wherewithal to know, I shouldn't say the N word. It's all impressive. It's really impressive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It's true. I think the thing that happens when you go through something like you did, or maybe it's also that combined with aging, is your perspective starts to go, just enjoy things. Enjoy life. Do it. Do the thing. Try this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He stumbled up those stairs, too. Do you like working here, Chris?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I'd like to point out that the black guy at work
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, I see. Well, it's not like the rest of us were like, hey, here's what you got to do today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I mean, yeah, everyone was chanting it. I'll just add that I was not chanting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He ordered a vodka, vodka soda, and you were taking a little long, and he said, hurry up. Fun guy. Fun guy Tom. Oh, hurry up FGT. Yes. In the middle of the bar as loud as he could.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I respect it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Didn't you say you were going to break a bottle?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
No, at the bartending events, I always tell the bartenders, I've done like 10 now. Every single time I'm like, I forget. I don't have an appreciation for how demanding, how hard you guys work until you're doing it. Like anything, you start doing it and you're like, holy shit. And you do get better. But I definitely have shown up at these things and been like, what the? It's overwhelming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So I'm sure I deserve to be yelled at a little bit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Do the thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Have fun. Somebody said, I wish I could credit the person because I don't recall who said it, about you only have... You know, if you're a certain age, hey, you have 20 good summers left or whatever. You know what I mean? Like this is not going to happen forever. Because when you're 16, you're like, well, yeah, this is just another one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
that's not true I've actually really improved at it and in doing that like I do them once a month or two so like usually when you get there you're like oh and then it takes a while but then you get into a groove and you start you know and then I start fucking two hand pouring and but it doesn't happen the first time you do it oh really and the one that he was at I probably was one of my first ones but I'm pretty I'm pretty good now I'm probably one of the best actually I doubt that actually I think I'm the best bartender no I'm the best bartender Chris how often do you drink alcohol
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And then do they always turn into vacation cruise moments?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's a rare occurrence. It's a good night at Will.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It wasn't that kind of karaoke. Why don't we plan a karaoke night as a company soon?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I'm sure. We should probably do it on a Friday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I would like to do that, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Well, Chris, we love you. Even though you don't love us. Biggest, addict, blackest employee here. We think you're great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I know. That really felt good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, because there's something else going to happen in two years. You'll never see me again. All right, let's take a look.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Because sometimes you're in public and you're like, there it is. There's a fucking horrific haircut. But it's nice to have...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I'll add this, too. And I realize that there's some irony in this coming from a bald man. Sure. But so many times you see women. This is an extreme. I assume I haven't looked yet. It's going to be an extreme. But you see a lot of women who you're like, you just need to go to a better hairdresser.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You just see women who you're like, you're a beautiful woman, but this is not good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And you know what you end up finding out a lot? People are like, yeah, my friend comes over, or I do it myself.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But there is an age where you start to go, oh, yeah, there's a limited number of these. As your kids age too, because you go through this thing where you're like, oh, you start to realize there's a ticking clock on childhood innocence. Like there's just going to be an age where they're just going to – like right now they're still innocent. You know what I mean? They don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And none of their friends go, you're not good at this. I know. You're not good at this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Okay, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
She's got some, like, real production on her video.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Well, yeah, but she looks like Bob. She looks like a guy named Bob. that is yeah that's a shot it's a full shut it down it's a full shut it down well what does it do to you sexually just tell me what do you mean would you still be able to even love me if i had this haircut thousand percent no that's it we're done yeah there's i mean i would just high five you and be like let's watch the game
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You wouldn't even get hugs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
This is really bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I know this energy, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I know this lady's look. You know what this is? I know what it is. It's the lady who's been at the same...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
public school for about 30 years school admissions 30 years yeah yeah she has the admin job and then she's like christina p i remember when you were this big and like she you know she's nice she's a sweet lady but it's full shut it down she's sweet or like she works in a non-profit yeah and she works like a good company doing something good for humanity could be but she's all heavy from boys and girls hairstyle today i have to
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Well, also, the lady giving the haircut has an insane hairstyle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
The lady she's cutting looks really depressed. There we go. That's her move, huh? Yep, short and spiky. She likes to do it. No, but she does the undercarriage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
how jaded it can be. Right. They're just fully just, and you go, Oh, that wonder will leave one day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Nice and trimmed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Holy shit. She's so sad in the before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, it's fully shut down, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, she's looking in the mirror.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. Of course. If it's a guy that still has blood that goes into his penis, sure. No, this is like... It's very depressing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It's like when my mom got her... Oh, my God. ...lesbo cut. This is the best. And my dad was like, oh, shit. Your mom looks like a... Oh!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And she was like, I could not do anything. And he's like, oh, God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
By the way, I had never seen him comment on that until that day. I like your hair, like that kind of stuff. Why don't you do something? It was always like that. Why don't you do something with it? But that day, he was like, what the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Nice and tight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And when she finishes, she goes, and I promise there's not a man in the world that'll touch you. Mission accomplished.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I want to see what he thinks about it. He's probably like, um... Some people like that. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It has strong. I'd like to speak to the man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I'd like to speak to somebody in charge.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I mean, she's a pretty woman. No, she's cute. She's cute.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Can I not watch the other ones? Yeah. They've had enough? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It's fine. Just get this shit out of your head. That music is terrible. Yeah. Yeah, it's really bad. I'm upset that you found this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You're my nose, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
My nose. Who doesn't know? John Amos, you got the surprise.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Hey, Tom. This is from another guy with a big nose. That's me. I hope you can get past this big nose business. The bigger your nose is, the easier it is for you to breathe. That's true. Look at it that way. Yeah. It's an advantage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And he's like, you know, he just passed away. He's an iconic actor. Really incredible talent. Somebody posted like an in memoriam post, I think on Facebook. You want to read it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's what that woman posted. Mariah Cobb.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, 100%. Yeah. But, I mean.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You definitely should not have had that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But to post it is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
For sure, somebody hit her up. A friend was like, yo, Mariah, what are you doing? And she's just like, what? I remember. It was crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. And then she did the emojis.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I remember how hard you nutted this day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Get your tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour, and I will see you there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
These are newer.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, I know. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So I look fucked up?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, there's a weird thing though with women. You gotta be like really, you guys are not, you're not built like us. Like not just fit. No, I mean like guys can say shit to each other and people can say stuff to men that's real and guys are like, yeah, you know what? You're right. I gotta fucking get my shit together. And women are just weak. So you say something, women are fragile.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. Oh, so good. You're drinking that at eight?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And here's the, they're also, no, no, no. Well, here's the thing. There's a lot of truth to that. Women are weaker and dumber than men. So you have to kind of handle women like you would a child.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
No, no. Women, in a lot of ways, you could just say women are pathetic. And so when you have to speak honestly, you have to talk to a woman like you would a child. And so I think I would tell you, but I would tell you in a childlike way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Hey, you know, sugar and a lot of carbs, they actually aren't that good for you. Unless you're going to expend a lot of energy, I think I might get into some tuna. You know, something like that. Or like, you know, hey, your face, it's really changing. And maybe something you could do is visit a doctor.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Strange.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Something like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But it's not your fault. It's really just being a woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So we're going to take a quick break. Happy New Year, and we'll be right back. And we're back, and joining us is the host of the new Army Hammer Time podcast. It's Army Hammer, everybody. I think that's actually the first time I've ever been introduced as a podcast host. I'm here for it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's the way to start a podcast.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Truly foreign upbringing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And your mother.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
For two episodes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Let me point just one thing out. Whoever made this coffee can fuck themselves.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's a really good perspective. Because I remember thinking about my own parents and being like fucking morons, you know? Yeah. And then you kind of like, you kind of realize there's this point in your life where you realize that there's a, there's the thing where it's just two people. Like when you're a kid, you're like, you think your parents are like special people put on earth for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
They're adults. They must be. And then you kind of go like, oh. It's just two random people that met and fucked and had kids. They were irresponsible enough to get pregnant. How are they responsible enough to raise children? I saw your look. What is this all about?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. This is just basically tit milk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
People don't like you. Does it smell like almonds?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
No, I'm just saying that people don't like you. People don't like you in general.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I'm now going to drink my coffee. Let's also, I mean, like you said, you like uncomfortable conversations or want to have them. Just for people that don't know, like your whole family background is one thing, but your Obviously, a working actor, career's going, and then you were canceled. You're one of the people that's been canceled. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Because of allegations from people that you dated and that said that you were, I mean, among other things, a cannibal. Right. And they were like, this guy wanted to date you. eat me and everybody I think myself included I was like holy shit this is fucking crazy I mean you're not portrayed as a great guy in these stories right and then like some of this is just from memory too like
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Really setting me off. Who fucking did that? I don't know. Some fucking horrible person. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
that you moved. I didn't realize you had spent time as a kid in the Cayman Islands because I read that you had then moved to the Cayman Islands after all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. And were getting into doing real estate and whatnot. Timeshares. Timeshares. You really were selling timeshares? I was selling timeshares.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Well, isn't there something, and I'm sure there's many layers to this, but is there something as awful as a cancellation going through that? I imagine it's emotionally bad. very hard to go through. I don't recommend it. That as, as you're kind of like, this is reality. Now there's something freeing to like, you know what I mean? To like being like, well, I'm just this now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Reed's not here today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
No, I think most of our intimate conversations involve things that are extremely offensive about all types of things. I mean, if there was a printed document of this, it would not bode well for either of us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But so is your kind of position on this though? Cause I, that analogy makes a lot of sense to me that, you know, you get into a relationship, you are whatever, you like this woman, you're attracted to her. And then part of it is like how you express, you know, this things in like in a non-traditional way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Sorry, his name's Breed, just reminding you. Breed? That's his name. I just wanted to remind you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And then some of it is an arousing kink fulfilling thing of like, you know, people have different kinks. And like, so yours were like some of this body branding or like,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
welcome welcome to your mom's house hello and happy new year good night mate it's 2025 that's crazy what a exciting time a new year can you believe it you know something what
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Of course. I think you have.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I don't know. He likes it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
For sure, for sure, for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So then were you like, am I losing my fucking mind here? as this was happening?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, that's what he wants to be called. Did you give him that nickname? No. It sounds like a black guy nickname. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
How has like, I mean, there's so many ways to go with this, but like, How has, did going through that affect the fact that you like, did it shock those things out of you? You know what I mean? Like the bondage or owner, like are you like, I'm not even fucking interested in that anymore? Or does it like slowly?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It sucks. I'm sure it sucks. And then, and then you, I mean, now like obviously you have like the, the perspective and, and the, and the way you can look at this and be aware of it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But does it make you go, like, obviously maybe repent for that and then just not want to be that person who does that again?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Your upbringing, too, because I watched a number of things. When the story broke, there was coverage of it, then some documentary. You come from, it's not a typical...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
family or upbringing yeah you know it's like a you come from like a tycoon uh elite elite family which i think everybody most people fantasize they go duck and i wish i had that you know it's overrated yeah because they just you know they see the palatial estate and the the family put together and you guys are traveling in ways that people can only dream of and
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
but they don't see the inner workings of the family. Yeah. Because for people that don't know, it was your grandfather, right, that was... Great-grandfather. Your great-grandfather. Yeah. That was an oil tycoon. Yeah. And, I mean, I just... I've had, like... close proximity to a family like yours. And it gets real twisted when you're up close.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Because I think the reality is that it's unnatural to have that. In other words, to have extraordinary wealth or extraordinary power is just not the norm. It's just not normal.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
They're not built for that. I think you're right. And I think that there's this other thing where when you're really wealthy or really powerful, You get to navigate life, not just with access, but with like, yeah, we don't do that. In other words, a family might have we have dinner together or, you know, I mean, like we we do these traditional things is like it's seen as the norm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
People who have extraordinary wealth or power just go. None of these things apply to us. We do things our own way. And the thing is, no one's ever going to say something to you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
There I am.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
What was like the like people not a lot of times don't even can't even imagine things. What was like something of gross excess that you saw of like the result of having extraordinary wealth or power that you didn't even realize maybe was was that at the time? And then you're late later on. You're like, holy shit, that was crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And Christina Pajit. Stupid. Welcome to your mom's house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It's very different. Very different. But she also has pointed out to me multiple times that she goes, when you said that to me, I should have run. She goes, it was a red flag.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It's a normal hunting tradition.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So what else are you into besides eating people? Have you found... I mean, that takes up most of my time. That's most of your time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's something, because when you see... I'll tell you, when I see that, I'm like... Oh, that's fucking cool. I'd like to. It's beautiful, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. But there's something about. There's a real skill to it, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But do you go to an experienced person to teach you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
When you're first doing it, though, are you just experimenting yourself or are you actually with someone who knows what's up? No, I bought a mannequin. You did? From like a department store.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's smart.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But did you read up on the time you did? Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Now here's, wait, I gotta ask you this though, because this, okay. Not to say that you're on the same level, but like when somebody is like a killer, serial killer, even there's, even though most of the world goes, you're the fucking worst thing ever. Yeah. There's always, there's always women who are like, yeah. Yeah. Hey, what's up?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I think, didn't like Ted Bundy get married when he was in prison? Didn't Charles Manson get married like five times? And they all get love letters. Conjugal visits. Sometimes conjugal visits. During their trials, you'll see like, what are you here for? And they're like, I just think he's great. And they just show up. So the flip side of you being publicly shamed and canceled. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
There has to be women that have been like, please. Yeah. Right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. She's at least cool. Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So have you developed a pretty good gauge for, like, here's someone that I can pursue? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Terrible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And I'm going to vet you. Awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So here's a little thing we'll tell you. This is a little showbiz magic. Although this is our New Year's episode, it is being recorded in 2024. Shh, don't tell them, Tom. Well, we have to tell them because last night was our holiday party. It was the YMH holiday party. It was so fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So you will not engage with a total stranger? You're not really going to? No, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
The whole studio came. The Porosos team came. And everybody was in a great mood.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
People were dressed up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Most people avoid uncomfortable conversations.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, people were happy. It was a festive environment. There was great food. There was great drinks. And it was just really fun. It was. But a couple people, I think, always stand out when they have a couple drinks in them. One is our technical director, Eni. He seems to be unaware of the fact that he has a dual personality.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You're a great actor. I've seen you in a bunch of things. First, I just want to ask this because I'm always fascinated by great directors. So I have to ask, what is it like to work with Fincher? Scary. Really? It's very scary. I've seen clips of, you know, those like BTS clips of him. And there is the shots of the way people ask him questions, you know, just like people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
There's like an intimidation factor.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But what about as an actor? I've never seen him act. No, no. Sorry. But when you're like... you know, getting ready to do it. Like, uh, you're obviously focused on the scene itself and your preparation for it. And here's what we're going to do. Sure. Does he engage you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Go again. Go again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He says that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Why aren't you intuitively incredulous right now? Yeah. Yeah. Moron. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. And what are your memories from the man from uncle? that was just fucking fun. Fun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And so once he has, I would say, two to three in him, he's just like... Like he... He really, you know, he gets in there and he's just, y'all. This shit is big time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Shot it all over Europe too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Perfect.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So here's the one, cause like, so you, again, this is not a secret. You're in the category of canceled. Don't touch. Sure. Uh, Is there a path for you to work as an actor? You know what I mean? There's some people who you go, look, man, this person's offenses are too grave. They're in another, they're just like, it's goodbye forever. Yeah. You're, I feel like, in a different category.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
At the time, they don't want anything to do with you, but it feels like there should be some path for you, or am I wrong in this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It does take time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
you're back okay so i mean i wouldn't say oh yeah and you're with william h macy in it yeah we just did frontier crucible it's me william h macy and thomas jane okay so i was sorry i just should have fucking researched that question but yeah so you are working i'm working that's great i think part of it is just like the gays are out of the white house things have switched
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
The stop being gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
So, which I think actually culturally plays a role in things. Like when people in power are more like, hey, don't be fucking ridiculous, which is like the shift that's happening. Yeah. Then things like this happen. When is Kevin Spacey coming back? I don't care who he fondles. He's working too. Thank God. He's working. I don't care who he fondled. He can fondle me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Everything he does. The fucking way that House of Cards just fell apart with him not on it. You're like, oh yeah, this sucks now. There's some actors that really carry things.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
She's great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
She's a weapon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Not the same. That doesn't count. That's pretty gay, bro. If we were together, I would let my feelings be known.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Here's a clip from his phone call.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Is that conditional consent?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You can have Henry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, he was really, like, doing his thing. And everybody's like, oh, I think Eddie's got a couple in him, huh? And you're like, yeah, just give him some space. Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Do you feel like besides tying up people in your crawl space, do you have any other hidden talents or hobbies? Well, I don't really have time for anything else. Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It's tiny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Tiny. Pretty small. Yeah. No, but is there anything else you're into? Are you into surfing? Oh, I love pickleball. I don't even care.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But here's the thing. This is actually... We kind of glanced over, but I think it's the big revelation for me is that you are working again as an actor. Yeah. And that's a... Consistent.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Now, were you super nervous about how you would be received? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. And it was a legit thing. It was a legit movie. It's the one with William H. Macy and Thomas Jane. It was that one. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So how about now? It's because agents are always agents. Yeah. So did an agent go like, oh, right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. You guys want Armie Hammer in your fucking show? Yeah. You email Ruby Stein. That's it. That's it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
work it out with him yeah yeah all right that's awesome yeah but good for you you kind of don't have to sift through their bullshit then the agents you don't know when they're lying to you and yeah i almost feel like it'd be the move is like as your workload increases your profile grows again you should just be like yeah i don't want an agent you should just keep the lawyer thing i'm thinking about it i mean i want to go even further than that i want to do the sort of like
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Somebody just told me that they did this. I'm there too. I started to think about it more recently where they got a phone, an additional phone And it's their primary phone and they didn't download any social media on it. And they keep social media on a separate phone. So it's like they have to go to the phone to do it just to be free of it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I have four.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. What a great business. Here's a visual representation of your fame.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I mean, there's not that, you know, there's a lot of people doing this. That's huge, actually. Yeah. Gosh. All right, pull ours up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Let's see.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah. You're up there. I would trade spots with you. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Christina?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He was really doing his thing. So everybody goes like, okay. And I've seen it a few times. Like sometimes we do, when we do live shows, once like the stress of the live show, because there's a lot of stress, particularly on any, because there's a lot of technical things that go on a live show. He always will have a couple after that. And then he's like, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Damn, dude. I'm super jelly right now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You're above 2,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Fuck yeah, that shit's tight. Look how high that is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
They have their burner accounts. I mean, and then famously, Kevin Durant did it. Did he? Oh, yeah. Did he forget to switch accounts? I think that something like that happened where people were criticizing him, and then he had an account that just would defend Kevin Durant. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
you can look at like the tweet history of the account and it's all like i heard kevin durant has a huge penis yeah well he um i think he actually he's uh pretty cool about it i think he yeah kind of just accepted it whatever he's you know he's really outspoken guy but yeah and he was probably actually getting slandered unnecessarily you know also when it's about your game you're like shut the fuck up yeah well there's like that whole tall poppy syndrome thing too you know
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Losers. Well, people can listen to the Army Hammer Time podcast. Does it release the same day? Yeah, Mondays. Every Monday we drop a new episode. Check out a new episode. Yeah. And I can see you in some upcoming films. Yes, you can. Pretty exciting, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Fresh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, that's cool. I actually do have wipes in my backpack. I need to start doing that more. I feel like I shit like an animal on the road. You shit all the time. Thanks for coming. Thank you guys for watching. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Don't work no wreck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He's like, he just completely goes into another realm.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, it's like free reign. And what the booze does is it takes all the restraints off. And then he's just, that's like true Eni. He's like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
yeah he just turns into this guy it's so fun um i love it so much it is great it's great it's um yeah it's like it's super black any you know super black and i just i think although i just lose the ability to code switch it's like i don't have that yeah it does it goes away like yeah i can't talk like yo when i'm fucked up yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Are you taking the Jew broads off?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
office any is is like bye you just don't see him anymore but i i don't mind non-code switching any no it's fun we're here for it as the kids say he's funny he gets you know i don't know if you've ever been in an environment where there's an aggressive black person sure but um he just he turns it way up and you know he just that's him that's that is i remember that three drinking and he is right there
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I don't know. It's up to you. It's a real personal choice. I don't know. Wow, just like that. New year, no thanks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
And then he sobers up and he's like, how was last night? I don't really remember much. It's wild. You guys got any breakfast talks? Yeah, I know. So that's it. The other one who is just unbelievable. Is Chris Larson.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Chris Larson, for those of you who have followed the show, is our lead in post. And he has a real interesting personality, which is most times you're like, do you even want to be here? And he's like, everything's fine. And you're like, hey, it's your birthday. He's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
okay like that that's him he's kind of like a cat that doesn't like you but he's also an incredibly thorough efficient talented guy amazing really great at his job and the truth is he is like a very sweet thoughtful guy he's very smart second smartest guy that works here true um but anyway he i think is always this guy who doesn't like to show emotion no he doesn't like to be very expressive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He's the opposite. He reads as like a hyper introvert. He's not going to tell you much. He's not going to say much. And he just goes about his business, goes about his day. And you're like, okay. And if you're like, was that cool? He's like, yeah, it was a good time. Like that's kind of how he is. I would agree. And then you get a few pops in them. We first saw this in Cabo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
We did a family, YMH family trip there a few years ago. We were like, what in the fuck? It was like fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
three days and he's like just like you know shirt off just like pouring drew he's like i run this viva mexico and he was just a lunatic right and it was amazing and then last night you get a few pops in them and you're just like what the and he was turning it on and we did you had just left But we did office awards. I didn't know this was going to happen either, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
They voted on, they gave categories and awards, wildly inappropriate categories and awards. And I was like, Jesus Christ, this is what we're doing? And everybody was like, yeah, we didn't tell any of you guys, but we just did this. He won multiple awards.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
The first award he won was for the Sleeper Hog Award.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
The secret big dick of the office.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
You go past that at a certain point.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
They voted. The staff voted for each other.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, you can just feel it. Oh, you just know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
That's a little weird. Wow. So wait. Sleeper Hog, though, wasn't about BDE. It's about physically seeing a hog in the shorts and pants, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
But are people voting on energy, or are they voting like, I see a nice bulge in there? Because those are two different things. We're voting on who we would imagine has... Speculating.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Yeah, but it's always, I do like the thing of like new year. Like let's reset and fresh and get going again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, so it was about energy. Yeah. Got you. Okay, I thought you guys were, like, staring at each other's dicks, which is definitely weird. Which is totally encouraged. Wait, you have seen it, though, Larson? I mean, Zolo?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
It sounds like Chad has. No, Chad said that he was staring at... I have not seen it. Okay. But anyway, he wins that award. Do we have that clip?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, it's in... What's it as?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Oh, okay, sorry, I have it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
All right, here's my question, though. Because to me, it gives off vibes of I drink once a year. Like, you know what I mean? Like the release of a guy who's pent up and like this is, he's letting loose. But what I don't know that you guys would know is that is this weekend, Chris? Or is this probably like once, twice a year, Chris?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Once a month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
I feel like, but that's, I feel like that's only because he only comes out once a month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
If you were to come out every weekend, I think Vacation Chris will be. Fuck yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He's in the house. Let's get the man in service.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Fuck yeah. What's up, bro? We're just celebrating you, honoring you, just holding you up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
Just the overheads are on. I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Just Lemme Eat Ya w/ Armie Hammer | Your Mom's House Ep. 791
He has that sass to him. It's great. We were talking about how great you are, and when Vacation Chris comes out, how extremely fun it is for everyone. We were reviewing some Cabo clips of Vacation Chris, which were amazing. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Last night, you were turnt up, my man, and we all loved it. Do you have recollections of last night, or is it all?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Welcome To Your Mom's House with Tom Segura & Christina P!
Yeah, my favorite new video. Who do you think will come first, though, you or your dad? Holy shit. I mean, that's the hottest thing I can imagine. This is big for me. Once I shove my tongue in your ass, you black out. Can I have a glass of milk? You're into, like, comedy roadkill. I'm coming to get that booty. I don't want to. No, no, no, no! Well, you know what? I'm speaking my truth. Yes!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Welcome To Your Mom's House with Tom Segura & Christina P!
What did you think would happen? We've had all these. Some of them died. I mean, look at the way that ball bag sags. I've never seen this dynamic where the chef just takes phone calls. Actual menstrual blood in there. Very good for the skin. What are we doing here? Boy, a lot of range on this show. Let me try it out. I can go fuck that guy. You can go fuck that guy. What the fuck are you watching?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Welcome To Your Mom's House with Tom Segura & Christina P!
This is YouTube. These are my people. Imagine a pig with tits. What is wrong with you?