Tom Segura
Appearances
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey guys, quick reminder about the Two Bears 5K with me, Tommy, and Jelly Roll in Tampa. May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. Do not miss out on the early bird pricing because that will go away at the end of the month. Prices rise on March 1st. Get off the couch. Get on Strava. Jelly's on there. They'll get you to a 5K. You can do it with us. Meet us in Tampa. Go to TwoBears5K.com to register.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So wait, you were on the Osempis then?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. A soup.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nice joint.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How was the bill? Heavy. Heavy bill. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Steakhouse is the, you can't go wrong at a steakhouse.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Celebratory. When you come here, have you been to Jake Harver's? No. No, we went to Three Forks. How'd you like that? Loved it. Did you get the King's Butter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to go back. You got to get the King's Butter, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you told me, I mean, you got here, you guys were like, we are spenders.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Were they like, excuse me?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How many people were on the bus with you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How'd you guys handle the Super Bowl?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe Super Bowl tickets are crazy. Crazy. Crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If anybody could have done it, it's him at the moment. But there's a point where, like... It was probably in the third or... The dagger. Yeah. The dagger dismissed. Oh, shit, this is really... This is happening. Also, it was such a beatdown. Crazy. I've never, I've never ever... That's a fucking ass kicking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Also, like, the fucking Vegas people must have made out, because there's no way people were betting with these types of spreads.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, it's just so crazy to see not just how good you guys looked, but, like, how bad they looked. It was wild. They looked so bad. You know what it looked like? It looked like sometimes when, like, an old, mean coach makes his JV team play the varsity.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, these guys are way bigger and stronger. And this is not cool. Someone's going to get really hurt. That's what it looked like. It looked like two different leagues of teams. Really, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There should be a movie about this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some of these old guys, like right before I got to my high school in Florida, when I transferred there from Milwaukee, the old, like you could just tell the guys mean, A.D. was also the football coach. And he transferred out. So I never, I got to see him when I moved there. And then by the time spring came around, he was gone. Mm-hmm. And they were like, oh, yeah, he's a piece of shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they go, he would like... One time I remember I tried to... I asked one of the kids in my class, I was like, why don't you play football? He was like, I'm not doing that anymore. And I go, why? He goes, well, that guy, he goes, just for his own amusement one time, made me...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like run full speed at a, he was a freshman at a senior and just to like, and they, and the senior was like the big fucking juice fucking guy. He was just like, yeah, he was like just 40, 40 yards sprint at him. And the fucking senior knocked him out. Like, sent him into the unconscious. And he was like, yeah, that was the last time. I go, yeah, that's not... That's a life lesson.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Didn't like us at all. Because were you guys, like, rowdy? No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What are you talking about? Come on. The next guy's not going to make you do that. He was like, I'm done with that shit. I'm not doing that again. He just did it to, like, bully him. That's why these kids are soft now, Tommy. That's right. That is why. Do you see the fucking Rick Pitino thing? That's crazy. No, what happened? Dude, you got to pull this up. This... This is so great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just saw this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go to Bleacher Report on Instagram. Rick Pitino is still at it. He's been coaching, I feel like, 45 years or something. Old schooler. Old schooler. So I think he coaches St. John's now. They are, scroll down, right there. Where have you guys been? And when you click on that, you'll have to swipe and turn the sound on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Just, like, right away.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God damn, that's scripted. Dude, so they're down 13 at halftime. Come back and win this game. Good for them, dude. This is halftime. Yeah, and if you scroll down, it's just, everybody's just ready to be like, I want to play. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ah, it was the best. Yeah. It was the best. I love coaches that were, because there's this line, you want them to be tough, but care about you. Of course. And some coaches don't know that you have to have both. But if they care about you, then they can say anything they want to you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah yeah yeah it's true always stuck with me sounds pretty emotionally abusive if you ask me i'm doing it for your own good jesus christ we like that stuff back then it was crazy yeah when they yell at you when you know the guy gives a shit about you and he says that it fire it fires you you're like yeah i'm letting him down letting myself down like radicalizes you're like let's fucking go let's go dude yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
New queen of garbage. She couldn't come in today, but she was, I go, because I told her how much fun she was going to have. You're going to have so much fun doing this. And then I go, how'd it go? She goes, I'm the new queen. I go, what? She goes, I'm the new queen of garbage. And I was like, oh, I knew you were going to at least come close to the title.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know a lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There were some wild, like... You know, we'd go, like, in the valley. I don't know how well you know L.A., but we'd be, like, in the valley. And, you know, she'd show me this neighborhood. And, like, I grew up in these apartments. And I was like, oh, these suck. And then, you know, like. Yeah, she said it was all, like, single moms.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, yeah, I mean, first of all, his assignment is driving the 1981 fucking Prevost, so this is not their best guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
With her on the cover like this. My Indian stepdad. And then he was out of his fucking mind, you know. Yeah. He was a criminal. He was a real criminal. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He loved his pistachio ice cream.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we pulled into a parking lot. And he's like, hold on a second. and then fucking just stabbed the guy's tire. And then the crazier part to me is, like, that in and of itself, you're like, that's super psychotic, is that he gets in the car, and then her mom was like... Yeah, like laughing at the highlight. Yeah, and they were, like, in it together. Like, this fucking guy owes me money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Her dad, too. First of all, the story of her parents getting out. That's crazy. Going to an internment camp. That's nuts, man. Where now, because they were in an internment camp in Italy... And he's like, resents Italians so much. And I'm like, well, you were refugees.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, he's like, Italians are the cockroaches of Europe. That's like his slogan. He hates them. And you're like, yeah, they took you in, though. But he's like, fuck them. But yeah, then to Canada. And then did she tell you the story about why they moved to the States? Yeah. It seems like it's out of a comedy. Because he's working in Windsor. Well, living in Windsor. Forklifts. Well, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So Canada... He's a mechanic, right? Right. Canada is more welcoming to immigrants and refugees. So they settle in Windsor, Ontario, which is across the bridge, basically, from Detroit. So he's going into Detroit to work, but they're residing in Canada. He's like, one day... I see a man in Detroit, a black guy, cool guy, with a nice coat and a feather in his hat. And you're like, you mean a pimp?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he's like, this is who I would need to be with, these guys. And you're like, pimps. And they just get in the car and drive to California. That was the inspiration for it. He was inspired by the pimp. And then went to California. Yeah. And then started pimping himself. How much? I mean, her life is crazy. It's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It broke down. Was it like his bus?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I don't know. There's a few things. He passed, right? Her stepdad passed. Her stepdad passed. Her mother passed as well. Okay. So the first time I met her mother, what was funny to me was she was like, my mom's crazy. And I was like, yeah, my mom's crazy. Every mom's crazy. Yeah, we're crazy. She's like, my mom's crazy. And I go, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we've been dating, I don't know, a few months or something at that point. And she's like, okay, we're going to go to this restaurant now. And she's like, again, you know, just so you know, I go, just relax. It's fine. So... I got this. We go to, we sit at this restaurant. Her mother comes in. She's got her hair's done. Blonde lady, very nicely done.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like a well put together lady, like nice sweater, pearls. Yeah, she said she was beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah. You know, has her makeup, nails. Like she looks very presentable. This is a nice, elegant woman in her probably what, late 50s or something at the time. And I go, hi. And she's like, hi. And then she, Christina's here. I'm over here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, like, describe him. Like, how old is he?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, and she does this little, she had this like little point with her. And she goes, I went to Bloomingdale's and this fucking try to tell you. And I was like, yeah. And I look at her and she goes... I told you. I told you. And I was like... And then she just goes off, goes off on the fucking... Bloomingdale's. It's wild. And she... Yeah, she had a wild mouth. The dad did too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I don't... I thought he was a saint. You know what I mean? Yeah, she told us her dad would take her to Club Med. Club Med. That's crazy. Crazy. First time I met her dad. This is... I can 100% tell you when this happened. Because it must have been 2005. Yeah. Because I think that's the year that Michael Richards was on stage at the Laugh Factory. That makes sense. And dropped the N-bomb.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we went to his house the weekend after. He goes, what the fuck's the problem with saying that? I go, what? And he goes, why? He's like, if somebody is an N-word, why can't I say it? And I go, right? He goes, there's one across the street. Look at his lawn.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They don't give a shit. They're like words. What do you mean?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Words? What? This guy's in trouble? I go, he's in big trouble. His life is ruined. He's like, I don't get it. Anyway, how long have you been dating my daughter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is nuts. So, yeah, they were pretty – they were, like, intense, Eastern European, like, hardcore ones. And, yeah, her mom – you know, her mom was complicated. Like, she would be sweet but also had this, like, fly off the handle. I remember one time she – She had ended up in the hospital. I think she had fainted at a lamp store or something like that. And we went to the hospital to visit her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Smells like a slip and fall. And she goes, I had a stroke. I had a stroke. And we were like, oh, shit. And then the doctor was like... He took us outside. He was like, she didn't have a stroke. And we were like, what? And he was like, she didn't have a stroke. You know, she fell. But her mother, who was going through a lot of things, was like the attention of that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I made a fatal error, which is that I was bedside with her, and I decided to try to lighten the mood with a joke. And it was like a simple, playful joke. I was like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
well you know when we get out of here you know would you like to go dancing or something maybe we can go for find a nice club to go dancing at tonight and she was like fucking dancing i had stroke no way to condense and i was like oh and i thought it would be like playfully dismissed yeah like oh tommy yeah yeah just like something to like you know just lighten the mood
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She got really, really mad about that. Who's going to fucking dance if they had a stroke? I'm like, well, I don't know, but you didn't have a stroke. But she got very mad about that. Yikes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She told me, she goes, I cut myself. I just cut myself, by the way, with the same fucking knife. Maybe we should get rid of these. These cigars are a little fucking. And I filleted open my finger. It was gnarly. And I was trying to just wrap it myself. And I was bleeding through it. I was like, I got to go. So I went to urgent care. And they put Steri-Strips and everything on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was just lazy, trying to slice something through my finger. She saw... My kids are always grabbing scissors, screwdrivers, hammers. Yeah, they sound like great kids.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's the deal, man? You know those little electric cars that kids drive? Power wheels. The miniature ones that you... I always wanted one of those. You zip around. So they have a couple older ones that like they don't really use anymore. And I walk up the other day and they're just like there's no steering wheel. There's two tires on one. They took it to a chop shop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The door is off the other one. And I was like. what the fuck happened? So I grabbed them, like, what happened? They were like, oh, we've been hitting them with hammers. And I go, why? And they're like, they don't work. So we took them to the shop. And I go, what's the shop? And then they both pulled out hammers, and they just fucking, like... You can't blame them. Good as new, Pop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and I was like, this is cool, guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Heirs, One Cave. This is an exciting day here. The sexual energy is thriving. It's charging. I can feel it in my bones. And we're really happy to tell you guys that on February 25th, you can check out the all-new Route 66 tour comedy special. It's coming out on YouTube. And these are the guys behind it. Give it up for the RU Guard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Terrors. Yeah. That's funny. That's, uh...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They do. Stabbed their mother. You know their favorite thing to do with me, they call it torture time. So they go, it's torture time. And I go, okay. So that means you clear the bed and I jump, I get on the bed and then they pummel me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But like, they get like really, like they punch, they choke me. They like, and I'm supposed to like, I get to pin them. And then as soon as they go, hey, then I have to let go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i was doing that and i had one leg locked like i had one man a dad's leg lock will fuck you oh yeah and i and i'm i stopped paying attention to him and i'm like this guy and then i just he's like he just starts crying i go what he goes your ass is close to my face and i go okay okay sorry then he calls for his mom dad put me by his asshole And I'm like, I didn't put you by my asshole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, meet the Seguras. Yikes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let it bleed through.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He had a knife, and she went to grab it, and then he didn't let go. So then her hand went and sliced it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. I mean, there's been snakes, too. One time they caught a copperhead, which is crazy. And they put him in a cooler. On their own? Well, with her cousin. Her cousin's like three years older.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, neither am I. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's good the tour didn't go up there. Sure, yeah. It stopped in L.A. He was really cool, though. And was he from Dominican, or just like Dominican?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Caught a copperhead. A copperhead, which is very dangerous. Put it in the cooler. Put the cooler on the trampoline. And then I go, what the fuck? Why are you doing that? And then my nephew was like, I secured the premises. That's what he said. He goes, everything's secured. Did you know there was a snake in the cooler? No, I go, what is that? What is that on there? Copperhead.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like, dude, that could really... That could fuck up the day. Yeah, that thing can fuck up, yeah. It can fuck up the rest of what would have been your life. That's like something from Yellowstone. Yeah. Hey, Dad, open this. Yeah, they're fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They are the best, though. I got to say. All the stories I tell are like people who don't have multiple boys go like, huh? And then everybody who has boys is like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like it would just be like it would be hell in the cell until my mom got how these how kids like adjust your your emotions. So yesterday I hear this banging. I'm like, what is this? And I get out, and they had taken, you know, like, workout bands? Yeah. They had taken a band, and they put it around a different type of toy car, and they're pulling it, but it's hitting the walls.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I go, hey, guys, look at the wall. Like, it's all banged up. And I go, take that shit off, and, you know, don't do it again. And I go, now I have to have this touched up. Like, you fucked up the wall. I have to pay for that. And then my oldest, he goes, I can do it. Get the hammer. No. I go, I don't want you to do it. I want it to look good. So I would have a professional do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He goes, it's just a little paint. I go, again. It's also like you're getting in a fight with him. I go, you're not doing it. Listen, you don't have the steady hand to do that, okay? You're definitely not doing it. Gives you an estimate. You're going to cost me money by doing this nonsense. And then I'm fired up, and I go, just don't do shit like that. He goes, or maybe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't get so upset about a little bit of paint.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like. Because he's right. He's not wrong.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, one of my kids gave a C-note to a kid in school the other day. What? Yeah. He's got that kind of cash on him? I was like, what the fuck, man? I go, what? He goes, hey, don't get upset. No one's upset. And I go, okay. What for? He's like, he's a good kid.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Smart kid. Could use it. Straighten him out. I go, what are you talking about? He's a really good kid. I just wanted to do something nice for him. I was like, you don't have to do that for people. You don't have to give them cash. What the fuck? Where did he get the $100 from? I don't fucking know. He stole it from me. Jesus. Yeah. I don't know. Man. Yeah. I was like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, I'm not mad at you. Can we just make sure that we are not in the practice of giving cash? Who dimes him out for something like that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What, the kid ran him out and say, hey, he gave me $100? I think a teacher saw it. A teacher saw it and was like, is that a $100 bill? And they were like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right. So, yeah, he, I don't know, man. Those kids are, yeah, they're wild. That's funny. Wait, let's talk about money. Okay. So what's going on? Can I have some? What's going on? Get your son here. Get the kid in here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It took me like two years to... Last time I saw you, or at least when we were podcasting, you were debating about a car. Do you remember this? Yeah. You were like, I want to get this car. I don't know about that car. But what did you end up getting?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We get it, yeah. We lost a lot of money, thanks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're in the red on this fucking thing, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was sleeping. I didn't see any of this. Holy shit, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you have a new, you got a new one? No, I bought a 95. Oh, you bought a 95.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It wouldn't get out of reverse?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who's running away, huh?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Went wrong.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On the tour?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So if I have it. But now that you've been doing this, the podcast has obviously grown. It's become successful. You're selling tickets on the road. When you get money now, do you put some aside for taxes and or? Well, we got a business manager.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Good. So that's pretty cool. And then he should be also easy talking to you about a pension. We're not there yet. No, like you don't have to start with a lot, but like just contributing. Because you know what you're saying? I'm 49.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're never too late to contribute to something that you can tap into after you're a retirement age. That's what I'm saying. You're not going to want to hustle the same level when you're an older guy, right? Sure. I am an older guy. He is an older guy. He's older than you. Am I? I guess. I'm 49. Well, then, yeah. What are you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're doing pretty good. I used to have a lot more gray.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I learned this too. I learned this too. I learned this too, which is like, I've had different business managers and stuff. Nobody. You trust them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, this is what you learn. What you learn is that you can hire the absolute best, best, best of the best. And nobody will ever look after your money like you with more concern than you. Right. So I got to get I don't know if that's true. All you have to do, what I'm saying is, yes, you should trust somebody. If this is a trustworthy person, trust them, right? But ask for a monthly report.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But they don't do that. But ask, here's what I'm saying. Ask for like a monthly...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, look, it might be a Ponzi scheme, and in which case... You know, best of luck. But in the idea that it's not, which I hope it's not, and that somebody is taking care of you. Just all I'm saying is ask for things and ask questions. And you are only going to get where you want to be if you tell this person what your goals are. Because what will happen is if you go, I'm just giving an example.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you're like, my goal is like, I want to buy a house in this neighborhood. And you don't mention it. Things are happening, and then when all of a sudden you want to do it, they're like, well, we didn't know that. They can help you structure it. I don't know what that is, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, that's fine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you want to not have to work one day? Yeah. Okay, that'd be one of your goals, then. Tell them that. Tell them that. I could do that now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
let's go back to being a bum do you have a house now then maybe you want to get one one day yeah i'm just saying to tell them tell them what you have on your mind don't assume that they'll know what it is your goal is that's all i'm saying sure no i agree i agree i actually just did that i was like hey man what would it look like if i got it like when can i buy an apartment yeah right
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Beautiful. Koalina is gorgeous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That wasn't cheap. Yeah. Yeah. No, none of it is. Weddings are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In Hawaii, oh my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So how many did you have to end up covering? None. It all worked out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, that's stressful. That is stressful just thinking about it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If they were like, good news, you only have to pay for 19 nights for people that didn't come.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You had a good time. Beautiful. Let me ask you this, because for everybody watching right now, you're either going to know that tomorrow, or if you're seeing this after, that there's a special out on YouTube. It's on the RU Garbage YouTube page. Yeah. It's the Route 66 tour special. So it encompasses a bunch of stuff you guys did on the road. You documented a whole tour. What happens now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That would have been a dead giveaway, I figured. Oh, so it was just to, like, save face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It comes out. Are you guys going back on the road?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. So we got there. Were there stains on it? I mean, Tommy. From the outside?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. Conduct business. I'm a fan of it. You know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you are doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're going to put something down?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like B.A.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. That is kind of a garbage vehicle, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, they were staying. At a glance, I could have maybe sat in some water or something like that. I remember when I was with my dad one time, and we were in Portland, Maine. And we went out. He was like, let's go get lobster. And so we got lobster. And then we walked. It's like a father-son trip. By the way, it's like I'm fucking 40. I mean, this is like a few years ago. And we get back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's all sweet on the inside?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One thing that is crazy. Somebody pointed this out to me. I forget who it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was on the road one time and another comic was staying at the same hotel this is like 10 years ago and we were playing different places and I go are they coming to pick you up and he was like oh no no no he's like no one ever picks me up and I thought he meant like disrespectfully I was like what he goes oh I refuse yeah like what do you mean you refuse
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, these motherfuckers don't know how to drive. They're nuts. He's like, I rent a car in every city I go to. And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind, right? Ten years later, every other time I get picked up in a city, it is some fucking Yahoo who is, like, talking to me. They don't care. I'm like, you're a professional driver. Like, brake checking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, just driving like an asshole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And half the time, I'll ask when we get... I'm like, if the drive isn't far, I'll be like, hey, can I rent the car? I'll just drive myself. I'd rather be behind the wheel.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, there's a lot of fucking, all right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, your business manager will be a lot happier with this purchase if you use it for a lot more transportation. Sure. You know what I mean? Well, that's the thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you don't know, just don't do it. Yeah, don't ask the guy we pay. Don't ask the guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
to the we're in the hotel lobby and he's like i gotta take a shit so he just goes to the lobby bathroom and i go up to the room we're sharing a room sure so i go into the bathroom of the hotel room we're in and i'm sitting there taking a shit and then i don't know a minute later i hear I go, what's up? He goes, me. I go, I thought you fucking were using the bathroom downstairs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a long flight. Woo! I remember the... before like this is 2007 uh I had miles and I had like I don't know points or something and I figured out the and I I went to Hawaii with Christina uh huh and she was like this place is fucking I was like yeah it's no problem no big deal uh And I had calculated that this trip with whatever I was doing was going to cost me $3,000.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then when I checked out, you forget things like breakfast. Sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like a big breakfast. Yeah. And then I'm checking out, and they're like, here's your bill. And it was like $7,500. And I was like, and I didn't say anything. I just was like, doo-doo-doo. And I left. And then, I don't know, six months later, I was still being like, fuck. And I believe that, yeah, that bill went to collections.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Man. And then they called me. I still got some stuff in collections. And I paid it. And the guy, I was like, I paid that off. He's like, oh, the guy on the phone, he goes, oh, you a big baller? Little pussy bitch. He's like, you big baller, you paid that off? And I was like, what? I was like... Just taunting you? Yeah, he was taunting me. That's great. Big bull.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If not, I'm losing money. Yeah, that's fucking amazing. All right. Well, thank you guys for coming in. Thank you, buddy. We love you. We love you guys. Are You Garbage? Route 66 tour special comes out February 25th. It's on their YouTube channel. Make sure you check it out. Make sure you listen and follow Are You Garbage? And we'll see you guys soon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you, guys. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate it. Bye, guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, I shit my pants. And I go, okay. So he's like, hurry up. I go, I'm on the toilet, man. Like, hold on. So I clean up. I get out, and he's like, I shit my pants. I go, what happened? He's like, well, I was walking in, and it was five feet too far. So I was like, okay. So he goes in there. He cleans up. And then he comes out, and he's telling me the story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like tearing up laughing at it. And then he's like, all right, well, let's go to whatever, like go to see a movie or something. And he starts putting pants on. I go, are those the pants you just shit in? He's like, well, yeah. I go, well, don't you want to look at them? And he holds them up, and you see this brown stain. I go, you can't wear those. He goes, why?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, because there's shit on them. And he goes, it's just a little bit of shit. That's crazy. And I go, that's not a sentence. No one says it's just a little bit of shit. I go, don't you have other pants? He's like, yeah. I go, well, get the other fucking pair of pants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
garbage guys kevin and h foley everybody what's up guys um good to see you thanks for having us of course it's so good to see you congratulations thank you special thank you this is a documentary special yeah that encompasses are you garbage with the with the crowd stand up yeah and i think actually it's the thing that people want to see the most which is like the bits the off off stage fun shit like yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, he's an animal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was it a slow reveal that you had done this? In other words, they found.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's a moment, right? It's like one quick moment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, right, because you have to check sometimes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So at this point, in your mind, you just got away with this, right? Heist of the century time. It was like the Lufthansa heist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On the bus, fucking around in restaurants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You need to see the evidence before you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are some of your relationship green flags? We've often heard about red flags in life and what we should avoid, but what if we focus more on looking for our green flags in friends and partners and life experiences? Let me tell you something.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dumping out salt shakers. Whatever you do for fun. But it has it all.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It just shows you, too, that you can work at comedy for so long, and a real moment like that will be funnier than anything you ever read. You need a fat guy to shit in a dumpster.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can't make it to the Two Bears 5K in Tampa? Join us virtually. Run or walk the 5K anywhere in the U.S. Sign-ups are open now at TwoBears5K.com. Don't miss out. Lace up, show up, and take home some fantastic race day gear.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But then to see the way that he approaches it... 95% of us would be like, yeah, just don't fuck this up. And then be like, did I do that okay? And then they're like, yeah, that's fine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was the best. When he came here, the fact that he was like... Because we asked certain questions about how he prepares. And you see how much he... He's not just a guy that's just like... What are the lines? Let me just phone it in. No, not at all. He really, really cares. And I think that's why he elevates things. That's why he is who he is and then why that commercial is good. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, okay. This is the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As someone who's constantly on the move, flying for interviews, brand deals, and the hot ones empire, you've probably seen every possible version of in-flight madness. What are the air travel pet peeves that drive you absolutely insane? Are we talking bare feet on the bulkhead, people clapping when the plane lands, or something even more heinous?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you'll go, never do this to me again. That'll be the subject line. Never again. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because then you go, how many times has... He's saying that because he's been asked that. I understand where he's coming from. Of course. But he's got to understand your position too, of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's insane to me. We got a great deal for you guys, 35% APR.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you've been, I mean, everybody who knows from watching anything on YouTube, everybody knows Hot Ones. And the trajectory of this thing is incredible. You're like the, that's the prototype. That's the dream for people is they go, I have an idea. I'd like to do this, you know, this bit kind of online and maybe it'll turn into something. And then the A++ example is Hot Ones.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. So as a food guy, because you're somebody we associate with food. Yeah. It is kind of crazy to be in an enclosed space and people just bring all this food, sometimes food from home that opens up and then you're like, what the fuck is that? I got a bag of eggs. And you're like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. Seats, you know? Where's the cutoff for that? You see how long some of these planes have been in operation. Because you fly first on one airline, and you're like, that's nice, right? And then you get on the next one, and there's no screen. Yeah, right. It doesn't lean back, really. And you're like, there's nothing. And they're like, yeah, this thing's been here since, like, 91.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're like, that's a fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's time, dude. You got to take this one out of commission. When I was in New Zealand last year, And I was flying back here. I remember they pulled my bag out of security. And I had the spray deodorant. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy goes, can't have this. And I go, I can't have the deodorant? And he was like, no, it's too big. And I go, I flew with it here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he goes, and where did you fly from? Was it another country? And I go, yeah. He goes, this is another country. And I go, brilliant. He goes, what was that? I go, brilliant. Brilliant.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, what about... This is one I'm curious about. Sure. You've had... I mean, you guys have had huge A-list celebrities on your show. It's pretty wild. How about after-show DMs?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And they said yes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
this is the best story ever. I mean, that's like, it's out of a movie. It feels like a movie. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's got to feel pretty amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's my favorite. Have you had, because I remember there's, um, there's, and I think this is probably a shared experience for a lot of people that go on hot ones. You have this built in anxiety, right? When you're like, Hey, so, you know, you have like a producer can be like, so like, what's this? Uh, what are we, what are we doing here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, you know, you've seen the show and you're like, yeah, but like that, like they're escalating and they're like, yeah, we'll get progressively hotter. And you're like, how fucking hot is this going to be? I'm like, yeah, it's pretty hot. And then in your head, you're like, fuck, man. Like, that's going to be uncomfortable, right? Yeah. And then you go, you're doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you're like, oh, what's the later result of this going to be? Like, how upset, am I going to fucking shit fire? Am I going to have emergency diarrhea? Like, so have you had, like, immediate problems? After taping things where someone's like either notably sick or like they're or they're vocally upset about like, have you had people like really be like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I remember like for me, um, I left there, I was like, oh, and then I was like, oh, it's going to be, thank God there's wet wipes back in the screen room. And then I was like, oh, wasn't that bad? But then, of course, I was like, yeah, digestion takes a while. Yeah. It's later.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wonder how their anus is doing today. Yeah, I do think about that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
um so you were you were raised in chicago have you heard people say it like that no that's literally the first time i've ever heard somebody say that that's so funny to me because i used to like christina used to be like are you going to chicago and i'm like why are you saying that she's like people say that no one says that and then literally one of the times that like a morning she did that i went to lax and i'm walking through the united terminal and a lady is
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
on the mic, and she goes, Flight 2221 to Chicago. And I was like, holy shit. Somebody is fucking dumb enough to say that. So there are people out there that are saying that the wrong way. But I do think, I was just in Chicago last weekend. It was fucking amazing. And I always have a good time when I go. And I gave them credit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, you're incredible sports fans because you have to deal with whatever you get. And you keep dealing with it. But you're a hardcore... White Sox guy, right? Yeah. You're a Southsider. Yeah. So if you were chiseling out Mount Rushmore of White Sox greats. Yep. Okay. Who's making the cut? And is there any universe where Mark Buell doesn't have a spot on there?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is it Burley? It's Burley. These guys literally wrote a pronunciation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, Mark Burley, I got it right this time. Okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Frank Thomas with the fucking T-pills? Yeah, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no. I've told this before, but I've met some Major League Baseball players. I had no idea. They were like, oh, you know that throughout MLB, on all teams, Dominicans shower separately? Interesting. And I was like, no. And they're like, oh, yeah, because they're wild. And they'll do shit like... They're not gay, but they'll come up. It's a free culture.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everybody's doing knockoffs of it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're like, they'll just slap their dicks against like each other. And then we're like, nah. So it's like Dominicans, they do their own thing. And then the rest, they're like, I go, it feels like segregation. They're like, well, it kind of is. They're doing their fucking wild shit because they're so sexually free.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And I've had, that's interesting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I pitched, I told the other guy and they're like, Oh yeah. A hundred percent. Oh wow. Yeah. It's pretty, it's pretty interesting. Yeah. And then you go to the Dominican Republic and you're like, you know, I get it. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow, okay, there you have it. It's official, and hopefully this will get built pretty soon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is crazy, right? Well, first of all, if you have the Bears, which is like... It is crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A thousand percent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
sunlight for how they get out of it you know like there's i'm not even sure what i'm supposed to be looking towards it's so funny because i i tell this to people so because you know there's people who like i don't care about sports and then there's like kind of people who like casually watch some things i'm like here's the thing about it if you're not emotionally invested to some degree
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
then you're not getting the thing out of it that is there. It's like if you go, I don't care whether they win or lose, it's like, well, then you almost shouldn't just, you shouldn't watch, right? Like the whole thing about being a sports fan, I mean, obviously some people take this to an extreme and they're way too invested, but the fun of getting behind a team
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
is that you care enough to be miserable when they're down so that when they are great, the joy is so much greater.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to have the up and down. A lot of these things are... I always watch college football, and it is cyclical. The teams will be great, and you're like, these guys are great, and then they'll have this downtime, and then the team that wasn't doing so well, and it comes back. But it feels like... It usually belongs, it really does belong to like 10 to 12 teams.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The other ones really can't compete because they can't bring in the recruits to that level. In the pros, though, you're like, man, some of these windows where it's not good is like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, 15, 20 years ago, you haven't experienced the highs, really. Except for a couple moments. If you're a Blackhawks fan, you've had some big time. But they don't know what the Bulls thing was like. They just heard about it. They're like, oh, that's cool. And you're like, no, you don't understand. This shit was wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Sad, sad news about my regular co-host. He had an arm amputated. And so while he's recovering, we have the king of ring sting sitting in for him. It's the great Sean Evans, everybody. Hey, thanks so much for having me. Thank you. I hope Bert gets a cool prosthetic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they're cocky. It's not you. You didn't do this. But they're like, fuck you guys. It's my shit. You have nothing to do with this. But they adopt the arrogance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Feels like just on that whole cyclical thing that the bears would have to be due at some point.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But there is a thing about the NFL, too, that you just notice over time. And you go, how can this be? But it is true. There are organizations that understand winning more. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I think that's true. You're like, that's weird. They all have money. But you look at the Steelers, and you're like, yeah, this organization understands going after winning.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're doing it decade after decade.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I'm from Cincinnati, dude. Yes. Yeah, I understand. That the president of operations pays himself $35 million a year. For real. Mike Brown's like, that's my salary. You're like, okay. This is not about winning. This is about you being like, this is pretty cool. This is a fucking... He runs it like it's a hotel and he's like, yeah, it's full. Yeah, right, right. They're not going anywhere.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't realize, too, the genius... of hot ones until after doing it, which is that, like, on its surface, it can appear that, like, oh, this is some gimmick, like eat hot wings, right? But the thing that happens is that when you...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't care. I don't give a shit. So, for this next question, shit in your pants and then sit there and deal with it. Now, just tell me if it affects your answer. Yeah, yeah. You've been known for asking hard-hitting questions and now it's time for the real question. Do you believe...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
in sasquatch are you full of this is all nonsense or do you lean more i do i don't not believe when it comes to them and if we put you out in the pacific northwest with night vision goggles and a gopro do you think you'd make a compelling case one way or the other great great quote i love this parody of me by the way what are you talking about
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, just fucking write some things down for me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As a kid, that was a really exciting one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think those are birds. He's just like, look at him. That's crazy. You fucking shot that? You're like, all right, dude. I don't know. Do you believe in the moon landing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But there was a hesitation there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you think it rotates around the sun and everything?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Well, you guys, as this continues, please prep, get all the Bryce stuff ready for us just so I can show him all three. I just want to show you that there's other voices out there. A lot of people will not realize this, but...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
have something like hot sauce it disrupts your your natural guard yeah so as these questions progress and you're uncomfortable you're speaking in a way that you would not normally speak and that's really the the magic you're like because like you could do with alcohol but then you have like you know it's different right you have your inhibitions are kind of like it's also it's like it's making you
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The Margaret Herrick Library is kind of like the Holy Grail for film nerds and a place where you can find original scripts, production notes, Hollywood history that feels too sacred to be touched. You had the chance to do interviews there leading up to the Oscars. What is the coolest, weirdest, or most unexpected thing you stumbled on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And did you actually end up with like, whoa, this is actually here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's very famous for being like, no, don't type it up. He's like, would you type up a poem or a song? No, you write it by hand. He writes all of his... His scripts are handwritten and then he gives it to somebody to type up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But is it written film style? Like is it script style? Yeah, it looks like a script. So it's like exterior. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cool. You're like, oh, wow, yeah. Usually this is in a note from a buddy, but this is cool. This is Hollywood lore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, yeah. Can anyone access this? Or no?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to ask your opinion on this. This is like, I had mentioned this a couple days ago, and I was like, I want to know if this is me or if this feels genuine, like more true. I feel like, like the Oscars just recently happened. Right. I was like, you know, I just feel like it used to be more of a cultural national event, almost like a Super Bowl of sorts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like, am I sensing something changing legitimately? Or is it that me personally... Am I just more removed and less interested?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, like the Oscars. I was like, I don't know. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's. There's massive movies, and then everything is kind of small. There's not the in-between, really, it feels like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wonder what... Oscar viewership was like this year versus like 1995. Yeah. Right. I wonder if it's dramatically different. Would you look that up? Like what they are those two years?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's going to affect you for a longer period, right? You're going to be drunk eventually. But this is like this temporary thing that throws off your equilibrium and your judgment. All of a sudden, it's like truth serum. It's truth serum is what it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cause I, I do wonder like, is it, is it dramatically different where there's like, cause the other thing is like you, like I hear about and it kind of, I guess it kind of makes sense is that NBA viewership is way down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's like this thing where you sense, without having looked up that number, you just feel like... I don't know. Even though I work in entertainment, people aren't like, oh my God, the Oscars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they used to nominate less people for each category, which I think makes it feel like harder to get in that conversation. So it becomes more exclusive in other words, right? They're like, wasn't it like three nominees for like the big ones? Right, right. And now they're like, oh, there's 10. And you're like, 10?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But they also never celebrated.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The things that we saw Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray do in comedies, like in just straight comedies, you go, that movie doesn't exist without that person in it. It just wouldn't work.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah um all right so we have these things so bryce mitchell ufc fighter comes on the scene you have these going through the speaker for us yeah okay so this is like his episode one of his podcast coming out hot comes out hot
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He gets all the notes, right? He's like, and this is my show. This is episode one. People go absolutely insane, rightfully. Dana White, because he's a UFC fighter, was like, this guy's a fucking moron. He comes out and he's like, he's the dumbest person we've ever had the pleasure of hiring. And he's like, hopefully people will just watch him fight to see someone beat the shit out of him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you're like, I guess this guy's not going to make content anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, he started putting out other opinions, which is why I brought up the fact that he has, you know, other things to say.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
around the earth as in when the earth the inside circle the black circle does one full rotation the red circle or the flight of the helicopter actually has to cover more distance but what i like is that when some you that you see somebody who has multiple cool opinions you know i mean so like the that you're like who the fuck is like i'd like to go fishing with hitler it's the same guy who's like hey man if you take a chopper up in the air you know
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One of the things that is crazy about not wearing a seatbelt is the goddamn ding and like the ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Car tells you, put that motherfucker. So, like, I have been, like, driven by, like, a car service. Right, right. With some psycho fucking, you know, dude who's just up there. And you're like, ding. And you're like, hey, man, are you going to, can we just stop the ding?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you see the guy like, fuck. So it means that guy drives around all day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that doesn't bother you, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some guy drove us on the road a few weeks ago, and we were all looking around like, is this really happening? You know when you have the radio on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you don't find a station and it's just static yeah yeah just that just right we were like don't say anything and we were just like is he deaf I was like hey man he's like yeah like no you can hear and then we just kept driving the whole time like white noise I was like this is what you cruise around with just static in your ear all day I'm fine this is good soothes me to dry
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And this guy, wherever he goes, ding, ding, every 20 seconds. And then he's just sitting there like, wish I was fishing with Hitler right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is a good lane for like WWE artists. like his heel oh yeah if he was like trying to be like make me the villain I'll just open up with Hitler would be cool to hang with and they're like alright everyone's gonna know your name and then he's gonna double and triple down after that but he's got he's got lots of thoughts So many thoughts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The funny thing is, I love when somebody actually has opinions, and then he, in his mind, he has great supporting arguments.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's actually kind of my favorite part about it. When you've done your own research, you know? And you're like, yeah, that's how I came to this. And you're like, yeah, no, that's fucking good, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. It's yeah. That wasn't, it wasn't an accident. There was no, yeah. The best part of all that though, is that other dude who's like, he frowned face. He's like, this is episode one, dude. Frozen in time. Like, you said this was going to be fun when you got me to do this with you. Like, you just dragged me into some shit that I don't want to be a part of now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, I'm going to get so many fucking calls after this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. What about a Chicago pizza question? Sure. Chicago's known for deep dish. It's like the Chicago style pizza. Yet you live most of the time in New York, which is known for a completely different style of pizza. Are you going to be a diplomat or are you going to choose a side?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I don't know this landscape, but is any place that serves pizza in Chicago kind of required to do deep dish? Do they all do it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I wish we had pizza right now, too. That'd be awesome. Pepperoni?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's all these little things. It's all the little things that add up. That are very detailed. I feel like too, like we, you know, I've watched a lot of them and I've obviously, I've been on the show and you're like, you start to appreciate that you kind of leave there and you're like, what the fuck just happened there? How did they know this stuff? What did I just say?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you ever imagine? Here's the thing. Hearing that, I go, oh, he would have been great at that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah yeah i appreciate you're a good presenter and i think you would have been you know information little wink and a smile yeah yeah right and they always have like little quips or jokes you would have developed uh your sense of that and then there'd probably be like a like an ig fan page of like what's sean's bomber jacket like today or whatever right for the weather guy or like i want to fuck the weather guy or something like that you would have you would have had some like super fans some moms at home who were like honey get out the door i'm about to watch the weather
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you actually know a lot about weather, though, too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you liked the presentation aspect of it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
local news people are like, they're beloved there. Exactly. Remember Dallas rains. What's that fucking guy's name? Dallas Rains.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's made for local... Look at that smile, bro. Oh, that is... And they always have, like, a lot of them, you know, like, appearance is obviously a big thing. He's also in the L.A. market, but it's like, you know, the hair, the veneers, the tan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so wild. I think that's him like 40 years ago. In the headshot? Yeah. The signed one. I think that's him. Incredible.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, same with porn. Everybody goes, like, I'm here to act. And then someone's like, hey, what do you think of $300 to show your asshole? And they're like, oh, OK. And they're like, I kind of fell into this. And you're like, yeah, I know. I've watched that porn doc on Netflix. And they have this fucking, it's so fucked up. But they're like, hey, if they're like, what are you getting paid today?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do I have to text them and say, please cut that out? Like all those things. But I feel like also you're so good at interviewing that I think you're next, you know, like at some point you're going to stop doing it. Right. You're our next Charlie Rose. Oh. Yeah. I mean, I remember, I think he was the man and then he like peed on someone. I forget what it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And this girl's like, I don't know. Like, it was like $500. And then the guy's like, and then she goes, but they offered me another $100. for a cream pie, like the finish inside of me. But then she goes, I gotta buy the Plan B pill, which is 40. It was 40 at the time. And she goes, but that's 60 bucks in my pocket. I'm like, yeah, that's not a lot to say come inside of me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To be like, yeah, but you got 60 more dollars. 60 bucks is 60 bucks. But for sure, local weather is like a byproduct of... Failed auditions.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think anything you end up doing with a camera anywhere is like I was trying to act. Yeah. Like anything. Like everybody was like I was trying to act and then I ended up doing this. Ended up doing weather. Yeah. No, I'm just telling you it was fucking breezy today. Yeah. But I do think it's kind of cool. The weather track is kind of cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I also loved, this is like a, I mean, not that it doesn't exist anymore. Is that him? Yeah, look at that. Wow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so funny. That is so funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so awesome. And there's also, that to me speaks to also the audience at home, where there's people dying laughing at that. And then there's people being like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Like, they're totally confused. Why is he talking about a border? Like, Did they really? Like questioning that it's real, you know? Yeah. That's for sure happening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He is the best, dude. That's so fucking funny. I also miss... I have... I guess it's a nostalgia thing. What the national news guys were...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
when I was growing up like it was Peter Jennings Dan Rather Tom Brokaw and like I really missed those guys I loved those guys I loved like their their presentation of it was really prompter just the was like comforting to me classic newsman classic newsman I liked it we still have I guess a little bit yeah but not like that not like that there's also it's like there's something to be said about just old white guys making you feel like everything's okay yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they stopped letting him do the show. Do interviews, yeah. But we need the guy who gives the... really good, in-depth interview.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know? They don't hire them anymore. Poor guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's totally... People don't understand that, like, you want a rogue? Sure, yeah, yeah. Okay. That I've mentioned it that like I remember the the transition from news is just something that's read where they're like, here's what's happening in Somalia today. And you're like, OK, to it was what I remember specifically is CNN saying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The first time I was like, I remember going through it, and it was Anderson Cooper, but he's like ageless or something, so it might have been 50 years ago. But it was Anderson Cooper. And then he said something that was happening, and he was like... He commented on it, and I was like, what the fuck? Is this weird? And he was like, yeah, it's not. I personally think that's a bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, why is he fucking doing this? Right, right. But then you realize that he was doing it because he wasn't the only one doing it, but it was slowly happening. Fox was starting to do it where it was like, and like, oh, this is the person who's gonna say what I want them to say. And then that'll make me feel good because they're sharing the opinion.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But those guys were just like, here's the thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a real compliment. Yeah. Shout out to Charlie Rose. I'm still a fan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And what happened, too, was that when Fox did it, They were doing it first where they were like, they're going to look this way, they're going to take this angle, and their numbers went through the roof. Right. And so everybody else was like, uh, we got to do the opposite, like do something to get the other people because they're killing us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Or is that just dead? I don't know. I keep saying this about things, that everything seems cyclical. But it feels like... It feels like in my lifetime, nothing's ever been more split, where people are just so adamantly against the others. And what they need is someone to go like, hey. How about I'll just tell you what's happening? And they're like, yeah, fucking tell me what's happening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that person, it feels like there would be a market for them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But then I go, oh, I thought that already, wasn't PBS doing that? And then, I don't know, when I said that last time, somebody was like, no, fucking PBS is not doing that. And I was like, oh, okay, sorry. Everybody gets upset about, It's so funny because if you say something that certain groups agree with, immediately you're bombarded with like, you fucking get it, smart guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, oh, okay. And then the second you say the thing that they don't, it's just vitriol. It's just so much hatred of like, fucking idiot. And you're like, okay, fine. So, I mean, I guess that shows you just can't look for validation in comments. No, that's a bad idea. It's a bad idea. Just in general. But it is like, it's still, I feel like the split could not be wider and stronger.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And just, yeah, always growing more intense. Right? And I don't know if it's like an old guy thing, but it doesn't, to my memory, I don't feel like it was like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And it's all because of... 9-11? I don't know what it's from. I don't know. That was a bad day. It didn't really happen. It was a controlled demolition. I don't know. Somebody's real happy I said that, though. They're like, fucking, he finally gets it. Finally, he said it. Yeah, he gets it. Oh, really? Do buildings just fall like that? Really? Yeah. It's George Bush and his friends.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They went in there the night before and they set dynamite inside and just fucking fell. The signs were there all along. They were always there. The planes are just a little thing on the side just to get you distracted. Anyway, we're going to make the news on this one. We hit a lot of cool topics.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's really going to help. It's going to help sauce sales for sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Always a pleasure, dawg. In your defense, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all our side.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I've heard from other people before, you have to say something in the moment. Otherwise, people get mad at you for not having said it. So this might be a good soundbite for you to be like, I just want to say some of the things you've shown me or said. You know what I mean? Yeah, like in a sanctimonious way? Well, yeah, just so that people go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because the big criticism will be that things were played for you and things were said, and you didn't speak up in the moment. You should have spoken up in the moment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is actually a really good soundbite, is that don't trust Tom. Don't trust Tom. I love that I did your show and that I got to be friends with you. I couldn't be happier for your success. Thank you, Doug. I do think you are, I've said it before, I think you are the best interviewer on the planet doing this today. You really are the Charlie Rose without peeing on a... or whatever he did. And...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And what do you advise for interview? Like if somebody was like, how do you give a good interview? Like, what's your take on it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I really do think you're the best. I think you're the best. I'm happy for you. I know you're extremely wealthy now, and I expect incredible holiday gifts when that season comes. I would also like to visit your estate when you're done acquiring it. You're invited. Always. Always.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where would you reside if you were picking your, like, this is where I want? Would it be anywhere? Would you stay anywhere?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you want out of the big city in a more peaceful setting?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where do you want to die? I never hear people say, where would you like to die?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But how long has it been now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That place is rad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right. That's a great answer. So I've thought about it a little bit. So you can now take your newfound extraordinary wealth and buy a house in Malibu. Yeah, right. So you know where to find them. Buy the dip. Buy the dip, yeah. Fucking, dude. Malibu is, even with all of its chaos, you get used to hearing about, obviously fires is a big thing. Yeah, right. Mudslides and everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's still, there's nothing. It's the best, yeah. It's the best. Malibu's the best. Malibu Beach Inn, you got a free plug. There you go. Give us a couple free nights.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's better than fried chicken, too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, can we get some fried chicken tonight? Let's go. Hell yeah. Let's do fried chicken, dude. Fried chicken is the shit. It's so good for you, and it's so good to eat. What do you watch? That's the other thing I want to know. Because you have a good taste. What are you watching? Are you watching any shows or movies right now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You did watch every one?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What was your, did you love one the most?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Never seen it, everybody. It's one of those things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I feel like I'm such an idiot. Whatever's the hottest show, if I didn't already start it, I always go, I'll watch it later.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I started it fucking 2023. Hell yeah, you and me both, dog. I watched a season and a half, though. I get too distracted. I think it's, I have a little, a lot of characters, a lot of different spots. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite was that breaking bad was like a cultural phenomenon. And I kept being like, Oh fuck off, you know? And then, uh, you're like, this is the best show ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, here's the thing. I started the show as the last season was beginning to air, whatever year that was like 2015 or something. So I started, I all watch this show. So I got to watch the entire series, uh, in like two weeks of like, this is the fucking best thing I've ever seen. So I always remind myself that, what was it, 13? So it was 13, it was even earlier.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was, yeah, that ride of being able to go through it without having to wait was incredible. Yeah, it was incredible. But I do keep hearing that Severance is amazing. It is. It's really good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, well, guys, make a note that in 2029, I will watch Severance. Please, don't let me forget. Thank you, Sean. You're the best, dude. You're the best. Thank you for doing this. I'm sorry if I did something that will affect your brand in some way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i wouldn't have it any other way yes i'll go down with you that we you have lots of uh studio space here you know i could always pop up a show here anytime okay yeah we will we will make you know what we'll get rid of people for you i would love to tell somebody that they lost their job today because you're here and i'd love to break the news with you oh dude also that would be the best ig real tiktok video ever of like hey sit down
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And actually stand up, because you've got to get the fuck out of here. Sean's here now. All right. Thanks, guys. We'll see you next time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the... When you're doing press, they're always like, hey, you want to do an interview with this college kid? And you're like, sure. And then the college kid is like... What made you like comedy? I watched it. Right. Like, when did you start? And then I have four more. And you're like, OK. Yeah. And it's like they're filling their quota. Exactly. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Your whole thing is essentially don't be lazy. Yeah, and that's hard to do sometimes. It's effort. You have to put effort. You guys put time and effort into it. I think it's obvious. When you do the show and when you watch the show, you're like, oh, they didn't just go, tell us about your movie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It's going to add a whole new dynamic to his live show. Thanks for being here. You're in town because South by Southwest. Are you going to speak?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's clear that you guys do a better job. It's so funny because it's non-traditional media, and then you go, this is, you know, it's online, versus like an ABC show or something, and you're like, yeah, but you guys did a way better interview. Like you guys did a way better interview.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And seriously, where he hit because because of the lead up to selling it or no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sean, as a fellow bomber jacket enthusiast, how do you go about picking your outfits for the episodes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We both have beautiful bald heads. And yeah, actually. Or shaved. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Looks good. But you do put thought into it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you have the same problem as me, too, where like... The other day, I got clothes shipped to the house, and I showed my wife. I was like, hey, what do you think of this? And she was looking down, and she goes, it's going to be the same thing you always get. I go, what? She goes, you buy the same shit over and over. And I was like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and then you're like, I have 40 of the same t-shirt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every time I arrive somewhere and they go, this is your calendar, my objective is I go, how can we reduce this? That's what I lead with. How can we do less instead of what you've proposed?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's my hot ones pitch that we're going to do here, okay? Okay. Okay, take your thumb up. and you rub it along the crease of your scrotum, and you take a whiff, and then I'll ask you a question, and we'll see if it disorients you. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. So... Now, Sean, a Super Bowl commercial is a big deal in and of itself. But when you add Matthew McConaughey to the mix, it goes from a cool gig to life event. When you got the call to shoot with him, what was your immediate reaction?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, yo, I'm going to just do stand-up tonight. That's all I'm thinking about is stand-up. That's true. And I kind of want to get back to that. Yeah. Especially with just stand-up is like, that's what I was like. I told Leanne, I was like, I think I'm going to go to Austin for like two weeks. Just do the mothership. Literally just do podcasts with Tom, do the mothership.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When he's not there, I'll be fine. I really wanted to do Lauren Compton's podcast. I'd do Danny Brown's again. I think his podcast is awesome. So fun. You know? But like... I think that's what I'm trying to do is downsize a little bit and just get it a little back to what it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Georgia? She's coming home in like a week. Oh. Yeah, she was there 90 days.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the longest you can have a visa.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
all right it's like 90 days i'm gonna facetime you when she's back and we'll just talk in spanish in front of you it was weird when the waitress came up for the very first time we saw her we haven't seen her and we haven't seen her work her spanish and the waitress comes up and she ordered for us and i was like wow she's like dad my spanish sucks and i was like it's better than mine and i tell everyone i can speak spanish
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That sounds very you. Oh, God. Yeah, it was cool. Both the girls wanted to just kind of chill out with Leigh-Anne. Like, just hang out with her. Like, just even look at, like, Instagram videos. Because that's, like, Leigh-Anne's thread is, like, innocuous. It's so weird, right? It's the dumbest. It's, like, cat videos. People scaring people at work. Like, boo!
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then there's some lady, some fat lady going... And Leanne's crying laughing. Mine's definitely not like that. Dude. Mine is. Have your boys gotten a hold of your phone and seen your algorithm?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the best read ever. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Think about your favorite leaders, mentors, and idols. They don't all have the answers, but... They do know when to ask questions or seek support from their community. In a society that glorifies hyper-independence, it's easy to forget that we're all better when we have a support system behind us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So walk me through how you felt when you saw the video of me benching 325 pounds.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she was like, Uncle Bert, what is this? And it's a video. The first thing she saw was fat n-word summer. Have you seen Fat N-Word Summer? Have you seen Fat N-Word Summer? Pull up Fat N-Word Summer. That was the first thing she saw. Hold for that. That is... Don't put Fat Bert. God damn it. Fuck off. This is why I can't be online. This is why I can't be on fucking line.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It says your name? Instagram, Instagram. Instagram, fat n-word summer. Oh, I saw it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So this is it? No, hang on. Okay. Go to the... Fat n-word summer. Wait, do you have to write n-word or the actual word? No, I can't say the word. That's what I'm asking. No, you got to say any. You got to say any. You say it. Not any. Any. Fat any summer. Fat any. I got it. No. That's the first thing she sees. No, what are you doing? Go to the Google search. Go to the search.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go to the Google search. Okay. That one, right? I'm not seeing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. Is it a song? No, it's just a white girl saying. Oh, it's a white girl saying it. But with a black guy, and I think it's an AI because they're scuba diving together and they're in private jets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let me see if I can find it on my phone. Yeah, this is so... Yeah, how do you... Well, I just typed the N-word into my phone. All right. Well, that's the first thing she sees. I can't believe I can't find this. How old is this niece of yours?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Four. That's the first thing she sees. And I hear her. I hear her like, yeah, it's a fat N-word summer. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's a white girl going, it is a fat N-word summer. Is it not fat N-words with fat pockets? No. Fat N-word summer. Okay. I can't believe it's like a song. It's like a music video, but I think it's an AI. It feels like it may have been a dream that you had.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I almost sent it to you, but I had to get out of my phone so quick. So did you snag that phone? No, that's not the one. I heard it, and I looked at it. I was like, what are you watching? And then she went to the next video, and it was a woman pissing on a knocked-out man's head. Oh, I've seen that video. And she was like, Uncle Bert, what are you watching?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't look at my algorithm. Yeah, that's in my algo, too. Yeah, and so my algorithm is fucked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he realized his leg was probably coming off his body for the rest of his life. There was no fixing that leg. Yeah. And his panic he had in that, I saw it on Instagram.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I did 315, but it was like touch and go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. No. Having said that, I'm getting a motorcycle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Shout out to Harley Davidson. You already got it? Ordered it? No. I'm going to go out and pick it out. They're going to take me through the whole shop, show me all the different bikes, and I get to pick one out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm really excited. I'm so fucking excited. I'm never more excited in my life. And I'll probably drive it four or five times in my entire life. Well, it's fun to know how your friend's going to die.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I think that about you sometimes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I could see that. Yeah. Hang on. Hang on. Can I ask you something? Yeah. When you... When did you know they had video of you talking to that lady or did that video show up and you found it? The lady that hit your car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. You knew they had video. Yeah. Did you know you were being recorded? Not at that moment. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the crazy part is I was wondering if you were nervous that you might have said something that you didn't want out there. No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a terrifying feeling when you find out in a heated moment you're being recorded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now I'm curious, was there, I want to know what idiot on the internet blamed you or took her side for it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So people on the internet was like, like, uh, bro, you're rich. Oh yeah. You can just fix it. If you can afford this car, you can afford to fix it. So no culpability on her hitting the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For sure. Are you fucking kidding me? I'll brush up on my Russian.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You like bear? Vodka take it? Vodka take it in mouth?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, by the way, soft pitch, Russia. You've got a bad rap with the media. I think you have a few jailed journalists. Time to turn that around. Bring us out to Moscow. We interview Putin. We have a good time. We show a good face, but do some fun stuff with him, some like archery and shit he probably likes, right? Sure. Paint it good. We'll give him a softball interview.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean... No, you didn't, because do you know what I've been doing a dive on? Yeah. Mussolini. Oh, really? Let's go. First of all... Wait, you just sent that in a text, and I replied back to you. Yeah. We just were texting about this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's interesting how you can do the math about that, but even still, Arnold kind of fucked me up, and he was like... He's like, it's crazy. Sometimes you get 350 pounds and then they put on two and a half and you can't get it off your chest. It's mental. It's fucking mental. I do think that's true.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He created fascism.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's the grandfather of fascism. They were called the black shirts were his people. And they all wore black shirts. But can I tell you what the most fascinating thing about Mussolini, in my opinion, is? Yeah. the defamation of character that happens after he's killed. So they loved him in Italy. They didn't even know all the stuff he was doing, but they loved him in Italy. Loved him, loved him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Il Duce, yeah. Il Duce, Il Duce. And then what a fucking... But that same pose, right? That same pose you just did? Yeah. When they saw that the first time, they're like, fuck, yeah! And they, like, went crazy. And then they turned that, after he died, to turn him into a fool, and then they show that pose, a little sped up, and he looks like a fucking idiot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like... And so they did the same thing with Nero in Greece, is... Nero is not a bad emperor, but four emperors after him, or four Caesars after him or whatever, they kept fucking up, and they were like, boom, couldn't last a year, couldn't last a year, couldn't last a year. And so the fifth one shows up, and he's like, in order for me to succeed, I gotta make Nero look like an asshole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So he created the phrase, when Rome burned, Nero played the fiddle. And they did the same thing with...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
with Il Duce that when he died they just defamed his character so much they shared all this stuff so that there was never going to be a recollection of him being the guy that they thought he was when he was the leader because he ran the country and they loved him for a long time they did you know what I'm wondering though is how come we don't have like an awesome modern day Mussolini movie like shouldn't there be a fucking Oscar level movie about him there should be right
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but no one's ever done one about Hitler. That's the other thing is everyone, the big, can I tell you, Hitler was like the mean girl of these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Like he was the mean girl. So like everyone. Mussolini, Stalin, they all wanted to be boys. Even Churchill. Churchill flew to Berlin to meet Hitler and sit and talk to him. Hitler just shined him. Was like, yeah, I'm not coming.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not coming to that. Everyone wanted to be Hitler's friend. Right. And he just was a mean girl.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Wait, can I ask you, I've gotten to a big argument today about refrigeratable foods. Yes, this is a great transition. Okay. So I'm going to tell you a food, and you tell me if it's definitely refrigeratable, okay? Refrigeratable? Does it require refrigeration? Meaning in your house, do you put it in the refrigerator?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay? Yes. I'm going to start with the one that started the fight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It doesn't have to be, but I prefer it. If you go to someone's house and you're like, do you have any ketchup? And they go into their pantry and pull out a old bottle of ketchup from their pantry. I don't want it either.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The acidity from the vinegar acts as a natural preservative, but storing in the fridge will help maintain its flavor and texture, okay, the things we like the most, for longer. Who disagreed with you? Come on. Yeah, the old lady. Yeah, the fucking mountain woman I live with. She was like, I like it on the table. Okay. Butter. Butter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Leanne will put it in the refrigerator to hold onto it, but the second she decides to use that butter, it goes out. And it just stays out. And it stays out in a butter tray with a top on it. In like a week, it looks like the butter's just fucking put its dick everywhere. It's all over the top. It's all over the sides. Squirting out the side.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's dark because you used a toast knife to cut more butter off with. Yeah, yeah. Just, ugh. Okay. So far, I'm on your side. I agree. All right. Cheese. Cheese? Soft cheese.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think you're probably top ten. Top ten easy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
People say you don't need to put soft cheeses in the fridge. You leave them out. I think it...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bird's coming over. Leave them out. Leave it out. Leave it out. Just leave it out? Leave it out? Leave it out. How about eggs? Fridge. You leave those out too? Leanne, when we had chickens, she never put them in the fridge. The eggs were always just out on the counter. Why? What's the thinking behind that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because she was like, once you put them in the refrigerator, they got to be in the refrigerator. I'm going to leave them out. Leave them out the whole time. Store-bought eggs should always be kept in the refrigerator. You know, they say milk you don't need to leave in the refrigerator. Georgia said that to me this week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Milk. Out? Now, think about it, right? You go to Starbucks. Yeah. They leave the milk out all day. No, but they're always reaching into the fridge. Type F milk should be refrigerated.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They were like, milk can be out. You can leave milk out for a long time. How long? I don't know. And I was like, I don't think that's a real thing. And they're like, no, it is. It is. It's just America is so crazy. And I was like, no, that's not real.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So then let me ask you, so if you get a nitro cold brew, say you get two nitro cold brews and you bring them home and you have one and you put the other one in the refrigerator, would you drink that the next day?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I would just... I'd drink it, I'm just saying. If I also go like... Part of me would say, part of me would be like... I don't know. I'm so obsessed with my coffee maker right now. I haven't been to Starbucks in probably a year and a half. Jesus, are you doing espressos or like what kind of? Espressos. Duplios. Two duplios. Duplios. Espressos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Duplios. Maybe. It's a deuce. Doppio? Doppio. Doppio. That's what it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I look at Word. There's a guy that just passed away. His name was Dingo in the Snow. Do you know who that was? No. He was a very sweet guy. Friends with all the skateboarder community. Dingo in the Snow. He just passed away recently.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did see this. How did he pass away? I don't know. I don't think they had the cause of death yet. Oh, yeah. But he was a very sweet guy. I met him a few times, and we followed each other on Instagram. And he's only 38, which is heartbreaking. God. Yeah. But what's so funny is he's such a nice guy. I am dyslexic, and I read things fast. And I didn't read it said dingo in the snow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought it said dingo show. so I kept calling him Dingo Show every time I saw him, and he never corrected me. And then when he passed, I read it. I slowed down and read it, and I went, the dingo in the snow, not the dingo show. Ah, yeah. So I was like, oh, dingo show, and he'd be like, ah. He just rolled with it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Rolled with it, and I was like, and then I read that, and I was like, every time I fucking called him by the wrong goddamn name, and he never fucking called me on it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, there was a lot of people that loved that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, fresh beans. And I go through beans pretty quick in that whatever we pour in there, I don't know what kind of coffee maker we have, but it's my favorite one I've ever owned in my life. You don't know what it is? I mean, I just, I'm. It's too expensive to. No, no, no. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it's called. I have one in my tour bus, and I have one at home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I liked one in my tour bus so much that I bought one for home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I do two Dopios, Dopios, whatever. And I'm telling you, man, I love it. And I do them over ice. Yeah. Oh, it's Dopio. Yeah, I read things too fast. That's why I stopped reading comments, because I would read comments that were even positive about me. Mm-hmm. and I would misread them, and I'd feel bad about myself, and then I'd reread them and go, oh, that guy isn't attacking me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I haven't gone out for coffee in forever. The last time I probably went out for coffee was when both the girls were in town. You know, the nice thing is you're saving money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was my favorite thing about going to your house and seeing that Push has her own little coffee station in her bedroom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When we were looking at houses, we were looking at a house in, you know, where did Bob Hope live? Not Burbank. Burbank? No. Right in front of Burbank. Anyway, it was a nice old house, like really like pine inside, like dark wood hints all over the inside. Toluca Lake. Toluca Lake. Toluca Lake. It was a great old house. It looked like it had been built in like 1982, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those kind of like a banister and like stairs with carpet on them. And in the same way, Push saw a coffee thing and was like, God, I need one of those. In the guy's office, he had what I could only consider a
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, he had his walk-in closet, and right when he walked in, it was a pull-out drawer, and it had little baby bottles, but they were... The way the drawer was set, it was tilted up a little bit, so they were displayed, and there was a rack here, a rack here, and a rack here, and it was little baby bottles of Jack Daniels all the way across.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he pulled them out, and I saw that, and I fucking was turned on immediately. Yeah. And I said to the lady, what's this? She goes, oh... He's a dentist, and every morning when he wakes up, he takes a shot of Jack Daniels before he starts his day. No. And I was like, shut the fuck up. That's pretty nice. I could do that. I wouldn't stop at one, but he just took one shot and started his day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, was it FDR that did that? FDR would have a shot of whiskey every morning. Maybe Truman or FDR did that. The old lady in Spain.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Harry Truman would start his day with a shot of bourbon in the morning. Essentially a breakfast shot of whiskey. Can I tell you, I've done that before, but not like I do it on Winston Churchill's day. I do it one drink in the morning. I keep drinking, but I do that one drink in the morning. And it's kind of wild what mood it puts you in for the day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, when you went there, did you speak full Spanish like you do now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You did six months?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know accommodate you if you need it they were just like yeah I don't speak English so like that was when you came back from Spain did you cause your mom's Peruvian and Peruvian sounds different I'm sure than Spanish Spanish yeah yeah definitely could you can you hear your mom's accent
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sweet. Give me an impression. Okay, do impressions of these different countries in English, okay? So if English, like I would assume Spanish in Spain sounds like this. It is. It's the English of the Spanish countries. And so when they're talking, they're like, oh, would you like to go to a bullfight? It's brilliant. It's the official way of speaking the language.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then even when they say this, because they say Barcelona. Yes, they do. They have a very particular. And that's like, so that's like a real fancy pants way of talking is. If, yeah. Okay, interesting. Okay, so that's the standard. So then what does Mexican sound like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It just gets quiet like they're about to see a play.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so then what is like Bogota? Is that like red? Where am I getting? I always think Argentina would be like really high-end Spanish. They'd have like... It's just really...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. What Caribbean countries speak Spanish?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, Puerto Ricans are like – well, Tony Hinchcliffe had some jokes about that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So like what's an example?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are all Spanish laughs the same? Like, okay, so, like, we all speak English, okay? But, like, obviously black.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You saw that lady, Zoe Saldana? Who? Zoe Saldana. Is that a person? Yeah, she won an Oscar recently. Okay. Zoe Saldana. Some reporter, I guess she did a movie that was like about Mexico or something, and Mexicans felt offended by Amelia Perez. I don't know why, really. I didn't see it. She won the Oscar for this? She won the Oscar for it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, I didn't see any of the movies that won any of the Oscars. Wait, was Zoe Saldana, was she a Bond girl at once? I don't know. She was in Guardians of the Galaxy, I think.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. Why just type in Zoe Saldana Bond? Just to see if she comes up for Bond.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She got, a lot of Mexicans were upset. I don't know why. I didn't see Amelia Perez. Okay. But they like, not bum-rushed her on the stage, but they kind of like, they like, you know, challenged her when she was like doing her press after she got an Oscar. And the lady's like, it's a great movie, but what do you say to all the Mexicans that you offended? Zoe Saldana's like, bitch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She didn't say that, but she was like, she basically was like, I have a different opinion of you than you do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I think that the movie experience has changed entirely. It used to be a huge deal. Mm-hmm used to be a huge deal, but the I mean the Oscars were for these blockbuster crazy Avatar Jaws Star Wars, you know that those were like the Oscar greatest picture now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the greatest picture I had not seen any of those greatest pictures and I think they're cuz they're all done I mean, I think one of them was done for like two million dollars really and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I never really cared about the Oscars ever in my life until I moved to LA and people were like, hey, we're going to watch the Oscars. And I was like, why? Are we going to watch the Tonys next? Who gives a fuck about these things? And then when I moved to L.A., people were like, yo, it's Sunday, and there was a reason to drink. I was like, oh, I'll go to an Oscar party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then now I find myself going, well, we should watch the Oscars. And I watched the Oscars. I think Conan did a great job. I think Kieran Culkin's speech was fucking hysterical. He was great. I don't think Adrian Brody was an asshole. They're all saying he was despicable for saying, hey, I've been here before. Cut the music. I'm going to talk. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think Zoe Saldana, I mean, I think it was a bigger deal. It was like they cared what people wore. I think that's so, I think the world has gotten to a place where there's such a disconnect between Hollywood and the rest of our country. I mean, Hollywood is really- Yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe the gap is so much bigger now. Dude, and you know what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like people have an opinion and you can hear their opinions. Yeah. And I'm telling you, the canary in the mine was the pandemic. Yeah. And everyone got to assess what their house looked like versus celebrity houses. And when that fucking, that lady that played Wonder Woman did that video, or when any celebrity did a video trying to relate to America, and they showed their garden behind them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. It really just pulled Hollywood further and further apart. And I got to tell you, I think the producers that are wanting to make movies are wanting to make movies about...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
stories that I don't I'm not certain that all of America cares about well clearly not a lot of them I mean none of the I don't think any of those well how much did the the top who won one movie of the year I would I'm curious how much me a Nora how much money did a Nora box office bring in let's see
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On a $6 million budget. But $38 million is not... No, it's not like, holy shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who do you care less about, Bob Dylan or Amelia Perez?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bob Dylan, I know too much about Bob Dylan to start saying stuff because I was a huge fan for a long time. Yeah. But, yeah, I didn't see the movie, I'll tell you that much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't care. They should do a remake of Complete Unknown called A Somewhat Known Person and make it about Mussolini. Let's pitch this. This is our next pitch. I'm in. Somewhat Known.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. He deserves a higher ranking. When we come back next week, the number one thing we have to talk about is fucking Deuce Cruden.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. Goddamn Gruden. John's son. Let's do it. That guy fires me the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's better if I don't care about the show. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I get nervous. I get nervous at Red Rocks. I get nervous at the Greek. Anything big, LA. No, no, no. Like, the Gorge, I wasn't nervous. But, like, Red Rocks is a big one for me. Like, I'm really nervous. I don't know if we haven't announced it, but I'm doing Red Rocks again this year. I get nervous at the Greek. I get nervous. Why? I don't know. I think because I invest, I put a lot into it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like the Greek really made me nervous. Red Rocks always made me nervous. But that's why I like doing Red Rocks. Because it makes you nervous. Because I don't always get nervous like that. Like are you going to get nervous doing Madison Square Garden?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like a tent pole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like a tent pole.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, let's talk about it. Okay, you brought it up. Yeah, yeah. Google how many people in the world can bench 325 pounds. Let's see. That's a... How many centimeters in an inch?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Chris DiStefano's doing Madison Square Garden on 9-11. Yeah. He came with me. Last weekend he came with me. I just saw that. That's what made me think about this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Someone had a seizure? Yeah. Someone had a seizure at my Lucky Taping. Oh, really? During the taping, someone had a fucking seizure. And I was like, great, we won't use this fucking...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Turn the lights on and off real quick. Just everyone click, click, click, click, click.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I haven't been really on social media a ton. I've been trying to stay off it just for mental health because sometimes I'm being very candid and honest. Sometimes I will see a picture like this and I'm not touring and it'll bum me out. And I'll go, what am I doing with my life? I wish I could do something like this. And I was with Leanne in bed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw the list of pictures, and it looked so fun. It was fun. You got the jerseys. Yeah. You got the fucking, you're with DeStefano, and it's just so cool. Jeff Tate was there. Yeah, Jeff Tate. And I was in bed with Leanne, and I was like, I'm not doing shit with my fucking career. Oh, my God. You're crazy, dude. And I was like, I got to get on the road. I got to get back on tour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, I got to do Chicago. I want to do the United Center. And she was like, wait, didn't you do it last time you were in Chicago? I was like, did I? She goes, yeah. And then I look, and I have the exact same fucking picture of me in United Center. And I'm like, God damn it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How is it that you can get sad when you see someone doing something, but then you've also done the same thing, but it reflects on you internally? You know what I mean? It's such a weird thing to see someone on vacation and it bums you out and you're like, wait, I've been to that exact resort. I see people on vacation and I go, oh man, I wish I could do that. I was in Spain.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was in Spain looking at people on vacation going... I want to go on vacation. You're like, I'm on vacation. Yeah, what the fuck? Wait, how was Spain? Oh, amazing. Yeah? Amazing. Amazing. I'll tell you what, we need to incorporate siestas. Siestas are great. And by the way, I think my Spanish is really good. Yeah. And Georgia speaks Spanish. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Georgia was doing an impression of me speaking Spanish. And it was like, me like Campari. Yeah. Me want, me want ice. Me want ice, ice, ice. More ice, more ice. Is she loving it there? She loves it. Yeah. She loves it. She is, she's speaking Spanish and I'm having the time of her life and we went and visited Isla at college. Isla's fucking happier than ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so funny. That's not what I got when I Googled it. It was like 0.01% of the world. I think that's fine. 10% of the world can bench 325 pounds. That's a lot of strong motherfuckers. Well, it is saying less than 10, which is pretty broad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just Leanne and I sat as fuck alone in the house. Just me and her every fucking day, Tom. Every fucking day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's been really good for me. It's been really good for me to slow down. I think, can I tell you the biggest thing, and this is maybe a little inside baseball, but, like, I think when you're that busy, sometimes people ask you to do creative stuff, and you don't have the bandwidth for it, and so it comes out mediocre. And so, like, I'll give you a perfect example. It's, like, promo videos, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They would tell me, like, we need an on-sale video for dot, dot, dot. And I'd just be like, I get so many of those. Because, you know, you have an on-sale video for a show. I need a promo video for Poroso's. I need a promo video for our 5K. I need a promo video for your special. You have a movie coming out. We need to do a promo for that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you have all this stuff that you just, all of a sudden, I feel like the fun gets pulled out of the job. When the job was never intended to be work, it was meant to be fun. It's supposed to be fun. It is work, but it should be fun work. Yeah. And that's when it's at its best. And that's why I think, When you see...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll use Shane as an example, but when you see Shane make tires or Gillian Keeves, that was all just fun. It wasn't work yet. His calendar wasn't loaded. All he had to do was sit in an apartment with his boys and try to make each other laugh. And that's the beauty of the playfulness of standup, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I think I had subtracted that out of it and gotten so many plates spinning that I couldn't have fun with anything. I just was like, I looked at everything as another job. And I think I'm glad... I'm glad... that I got the opportunity to kind of slow down because now I'm having fun and trying to like writing jokes and shooting content that's fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm enjoying doing podcasts that I'm not promoting anything. I'm just going on to do a podcast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's my goal. My goal is to downsize a little bit and bring it backwards so that – I don't have as much shit coming at me and just have fun with stuff. Like, you know what I said? I was like, I miss when you first moved to Austin. I said this to Leanne. I said, I miss when you first moved to Austin. Because I missed... That was literally just a day of nothing. I love when you come here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love when you come here. But when you come here, you get to have the fun of I'm going to stay at a hotel. I'm going to go work out in the morning. I'm going to take a meeting. I'm going to come to a podcast. But when I went to Austin, I had to get to have that fun. It was like, yo, I'm coming in. I'm going to work out. We're going to go out to dinner that night. We're going to go party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know that if you do 400 pounds bench, you're in a very small— So I got one readout that said— There you go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're going to do a couple podcasts. And I was like, I told Leanne, I was like, I got to start coming out to Austin more. Yeah, come out more. In June, I want to spend like two weeks out there. Okay. Because you know the other thing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like with stand-up, I know you feel this, but when you're in Austin and you're doing stand-up and you go to the club that night, you've had a full day of the boys, Christine, podcasts, work meetings, script meetings, and then all of a sudden you go to the club and you're like, I haven't thought about stand-up all day and now I'm supposed to do it? Yeah. But when you're on the road...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
obviously ate a certain way and trained and she looked, and now she looks great. Like you can say that like, yeah, yeah, she wasn't ugly before, but no, both look, both are wonderful.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, it's it's it's all it's it's completely disingenuous and it's all about a lack of accountability. And I think that's the thing about like. When you talk about body positivity, it's like, yeah, you don't need to rip people apart who are not, you know, that are overweight or whatever. It's like, I don't know. I don't think that's very productive for them.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's just going to... Very few people are passive-aggressive, patronized into behavior. Yeah, for sure. But to say, like, this is great and, you know... And then now people are also doing the same mental gymnastics with the term... Like, what is healthy? It's like, you know what the fuck healthy means, stupid. Like, it's not I'm not making up this word.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they're like, well, who is to say what is healthy? Well, we actually have a pretty good idea of what is healthy. So if your cholesterol is fucking 600, you're not healthy. Like, why are we pretending? But people want you to go. Yeah, but like, I can't believe it. A doctor is going to tell me if I'm healthy. You're like, that's the job, stupid. Like, that's what he's supposed to do.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're telling you that this is not good. And we all know that if you're carrying that much weight, you're talking about like. 350, 400, and then the idea that that's okay, you know it's not.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. And, and I thought that was like, that's kind of like the way that's when I started. I was like, I leaned into it more. I remember like, One of my friends came to one of my early shows once, and he was like, hey, man, that T-shirt has a hole in it. And I was like, I know. And he was like, you want to wear that on stage? Like, people are watching you.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Also, this rapper is like, I know that she claims to be. Let's not give her too much credit. I don't think she's signed to a label, but yeah. A person who raps.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
A person who raps who was, I believe the thing said she was 392, which is like, not a lot of scales giving you that. I don't know if they went over to the truck stop and figured it out, but she is enormous. And a driver was like, yeah, don't get in here. I think he was worried about his tires. Yeah, he's probably... thinking about suspension, rear axle, and was like, no.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And now they're like, well, she's just shooting for discrimination. It's like, well, maybe the guy has a point that he has a older car.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That is what, that is a thing that people do. And it's like, especially you see somebody who has never done anything before and then they drop weight and then they go, yeah, you do the, you do, you, you kind of look at them like, oh, you did the cheat code. And then you, you kind of dismiss them as a person. You just go like, oh, you're a, you're a shortcut person. Yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Don't you think they want to see, like, somebody that's presentable? And I was like, no, no. Like, this is... this is the presentation. He's like, that you have holes in your shirt? And I kind of was like, I was sure of it. I was like, yeah, I mean, that's the whole thing. I didn't feel like I was pulling out an act. I was like, yeah, this is what I would wear around the house.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
The crazy thing about this getting jacked thing, though, is people don't know how even the people... that are in Hollywood that they go, well, that person's not on it. They're on it too. I know so many people who are geared out of their minds. And even ones who you go, well, this person had a naturally lean aesthetic before. And so it's believable that like, no, they're on it too.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're all on it. They just never want to talk about it. It's almost like the most... a taboo thing you can bring up for some of these guys even though it's like so obvious and out in the open especially like for people that like are around fitness and in the gym like you just know like there's just tells you just know but They don't want to be seen.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They don't want the perception to be that they took a shortcut.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It would be great. I mean, for some reason, the last place where they're not doing it is Hollywood, which is like, it's all bullshit anyways, right?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's all bullshit, but none of them want to talk about it. And it's... pervasive. It's so incredible how many are doing it.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I mean, I got like I have the workplace accidents, barbecue recipes, Italian women's feet, watches. Yeah, I probably got it.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because you kind of get there's this trick that happens to your mind, too. When you open your algorithm, you just go, well, this is what it is. This is the world. This is everybody's looking at. Everybody is seeing these. And you're like, this is how we're all spending our time. Yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
No, just I send them videos and then they go, dude, now they're like, now I get sent like cyclists falling off a cliff every day. And I'm like, oh yeah. They're like, you fucked everything up for me. And nothing makes me happier than like knowing that one of my friends is getting cussed with the same algorithm.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I know. You dive down these rabbit holes on there and then you're like.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. No, it's like, yeah. Like, uh, my buddy Bert looks at like, just like poverty stricken people preparing meals. So it's just like somebody like really lower income being like, this is all I have. And they're making lunch. And then like, he's like, yeah, I'm just fascinated by this. I'm like, what the fuck? And he's just like, and if you look at his phone, it's just like,
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
people below the poverty line making meals. It's a feedback loop. Yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. But I do think that it's, look, it's all part of like, this is why I hate telling people uh, young comedians, like how to, how to do it. Like, you know, when they go give them advice, I'm like, I really don't like giving advice to young, other than do it a lot. Like that's the advice. But as far as like, don't do this, I go, that's not how to do it.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. That's really fascinating. It's scary to the way I've actually used utilize the thing a lot on Instagram. The not interested because like sometimes you're like, what the fuck is all what? Why is this here? And you start to like hit that because hopefully just to get like something new. Try it. Yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Have you done that? Have you done a total?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
No, that doesn't. Wasn't that, though, like a type of experience for you? The fact that you like I have friends that like are really like have done the thing where they. They give the account to somebody else to post. They're like, this is just rotting my brain. I'm spending way too much time. And a couple of them that I can think of told me that it made them so much happier.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So in other words, they just go, here's the password. I'll tell you when to post things. I don't want to have anything to do with it anymore.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, because part of it is that you feel like you're in the game, right? Contributing. Yeah. And also, if you're completely unplugged, then you're one of those people that's just like, huh, what happened? A healthcare guy got shot? You don't want to be that guy. You don't want to be the guy that doesn't know anything. So there is this kind of balance of like...
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
do you want to be in the game or where you don't want to be obsessed also with like, cause I, I do this thing where I, I, when I, especially when I'm alone, right. Where you do, you do the cycle. I call it like, like where I go, like, uh, YouTube, Instagram, emails, TikTok, WhatsApp, whatever. Yeah, WhatsApp.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then you just, you're just like, wow, like too, like I, the hard thing for me is when you get back from a show, like we're on, I'm on the road, you've got the show, you're in your room and you're like, all right, it's time to like, I should go to bed soon-ish. I'm just going to look for a second.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like the way to do it is to do things you think you're supposed to do. And then you figure out how to actually do it. Whether or not you're supposed to do them. Yeah, if I tell you, make sure you don't do this, that might keep you from encountering something that actually really sparks something in you.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. And that's like, You get into that loop.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. And it's like the second, the millisecond. Correct. Yeah. I mean, sometimes you're just like, like, I mean, when some, it's like, they're like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. You're like, okay. It's like, it's so, it's so immediate.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Was it AI translated all your shit?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So it's a microdose to kind of event.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
The interesting thing is the theories on why, because there's obviously, they have to be theories, right? We don't actually know exactly. Yeah. One of them is that People, the youth views drinking as like what their parents did, right? So that's like... Naturally uncool.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
My fucking lame ass dad drinks. Like, I don't, I'm not interested. And so that's one thing. The other part of it is that this... uh, group of people, uh, that are the youth right now are so much more informed on what the negative aspects of drinking and what it can do to you that they're just like, why would I, you know, why would I object to something like that?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And that they've found this whole other, you know, when you want to take the edge off, there's a lot more options and it's also a lot more accepted, uh, today than it was 20 years ago. Like the idea that you could microdose or do edibles or smoke or, you know what I mean? And then there's like all the, you know, ketamine and everything is like, I have it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I have different things that I do when I want to have a recreational good time. Um, and yeah, but it's, it's undeniable that it's, it's definitely way down.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
money won't make you feel fulfilled. Like no one wants to hear that shit. And then when you actually earn it and then you go like, oh yeah, this is what people were talking about. Like the lesson is not gonna, someone's saying it's not gonna affect you the way that actually experiencing it will.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You don't realize because you interact so much with adults as an adult, and then they'll say things to you. I've flown off the handle. I've been like, what the fuck are you guys doing? My kids will be like, hey, we are kids. You don't talk to a kid like that. And I'll be like, okay, sorry. Reverse discipline. Yeah. Like seriously. And they're like, why would you yell like that?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I'm like, cause you're painting the house. You're putting paint on the house. Like stop painting the walls of the house. And they're like, okay, just say it. I'm like, okay, I shouldn't have to tell you don't paint the house. You're not a painter.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. We shouldn't tell you not to yell. You don't have to yell like that. I'm like, okay, can you please stop painting the house? Cause I have to call a real painter now.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And when, like, do we know when they were, they were about to do this? So they were just like, stop having babies?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Wait, but money laundering benefiting who, though? I don't know. Yeah. Well, it's not... I actually think that's not enough money to be, like, a strong money laundering... 50 mil? 50 million is not that much money.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
When you talk about... Well, when you talk about the grand scale of, like, government funding and, you know, criminal... Like, 50 million is not, like, the amount where you go, like... It's not like... Well, maybe they thought they could get it under the radar.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I didn't know about the IED that that part is if they're like look we can't send you bombs but we'll send you some condoms and you guys know you do your little some helium in them you do your little wizardry that you've been doing it's so fascinating that people can make anything useful for what because you always hear these like prison stories dude where they're like get the fuck out of here
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Well, that's how they're just like, yeah, these guys, they made their shoelace and a toothbrush into a knife. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then, you know, they can't give them anything because everything becomes a weapon, right? And so that, I mean, I would have never guessed that. I thought what you were going to go with was they were just saying like...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
look, you're going to keep having sex, but stop making babies because you just, you know, like that would be the explanation for it. Resource restriction and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, or just like you can't, you don't want to have babies in this environment.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like a logical way to go like. No, no, no, no, no, no. Floating IEDs. Floating IEDs. Touch pipe. Also, because it's like, it's dark in that they, if the explanation is like, Look, on paper, we can't send you weapons. You guys just have this.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And that's our way of saying we support you too. Yeah. We support both of you. Just you with condoms and you with missiles. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then when you get there, you're going to be like, this is different this time. And then you'll be like, oh yeah, this is not.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I have no idea. I'm completely lost. I microdosed this morning, so I don't know. Let's fucking go. Okay.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Do you think that... You know how people are always doing this thing of they're like, hey, the end of the world has to be near at this point? Do you think there's ever been a time when people weren't saying that? No. I think it's always been a thing, right? People always are like... And... I mean, yeah, Trump is like, I mean, he's such a polarizing figure.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I've never seen somebody also, in my opinion, be so transparently themselves and have people react to that person in such extreme different ways. Like, he so clearly is who he is. There is no, he doesn't put up this disguise, right? And then you have people who see it through the lens of like, this is like somebody who's here to save us. And you're like, what? Or destroy us. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's just, it's just, I know it's to, and I understand it too, because so many people hear that and they go, yeah, give me that problem. Give me that problem. Because you're thinking of like your current money problems. And what happens is, yes, that money will solve those problems, but it's not going to solve all of you. It's not going to make you... Much deeper problem, which is inside of you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And so like people see him as like this great, person who has best intentions for citizens and country. And then other people who are like, this is a con man, you know? Um, but I mean, it's just so insane to me that there's both views. The same guy is the same guy doing the same things. Yeah. And it's pretty, I thought it was so clear who he is. Like he just reads so clearly.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
a clear list of actions. And, you know, there's no mystery to who this person is. And people still choose to view it through... It's not even choose, it's just the way it is. Like human beings view this through completely different lenses. It's kind of fascinating. Yeah. Have you ever met him? No. I sat like... Six feet from him.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I had this like... So on his first term, I got 1000% news fatigue from that. When he went out of office, I was like... Like collapsing. And I realized that actually over the last four years, I consumed way less news than I used to. I used to like be kind of all day reading that. And since he's been in office, I've seen... I know about, you know, multiple executive orders.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But I don't even want to get into that emotional investment. It's almost like when you're a fan of a team. Like, you don't really have the experience of being a sports fan unless you're emotionally invested. That's really when you're a fan. Unless it could ruin your day. Yeah, it has to ruin your day. Otherwise, you're not really a fan. And...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yes, you know, obviously, like, I live in this country. I want things to go well here. I'm hoping for the best. But I cannot emotionally invest in Trump news and just what's happening with this administration like I did the first time because it just frankly takes up too much energy and too much time. And I do not... I have...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Exactly. You're not going to be like... Now everything is satisfied. You're just not going to have those bills.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
a number of things going on and I do not want to be... It's also a distraction. It's not really affecting you the way you think it is. You start to hear these things and then you just bark at your friend about it. You're like, you just fucking believe this bullshit. It's not really affecting most people in the way that they think it is and that they say it is. It just isn't.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
In the way that most presidents in there don't really change your life that much. So now I know there's people that are going to hear this and be like, well, you know, it kind of affected my life because X, Y, and Z happened. Okay. So there's things that are exceptions to that.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But for the most part, like what the president is doing, whoever the president is, it doesn't really affect your life that much. You can choose to invest in such a way where it starts to do like, literally, it's like the, the energy of your day went into reacting to to what this person did that you either love or hate. And it's like, I can't do it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It reminds me of like the fear of conversations. Like confrontation. Like when you go, Chris did something. I don't want to talk to him about it. But like, fuck. And you start to, like, play in your head all the ways that it could go. You know what I mean? And you have, like, this anxiety building inside of you of, like... And you start to avoid and avoid and avoid.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then it's just, like, just have the conversation. And then you realize that the worry about the conversation is worse than the conversation itself, right? Like, everything leading up to that, it's all in your head. But I don't want to have... all this exercise in my mind where I'm just like so emotionally drained by what the president was doing, you know?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like, I feel that as a distraction.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like you learn... That you can actually, if you're in your 20s, you can start, you know, I think, get into the practice of, like, you learn that, like, having... Because conversations are a thing that I think really make people scared. Communicating with people about, like, what you want, what you need. Like, those types of things...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Those aren't inherently, you're not just like good at that. You have to get into it. And like the younger you can get into the practice of doing it, this is what I think, this is how I feel. Oh my God, you're in a totally different group. You're in a totally different group than the people who... you know, repress and just shut down. Like, I mean, that's how I was built.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Just like, just don't talk about it. Don't talk.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You just shut down. And then, yeah, that's going to show itself somewhere else.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I resent you for not... knowing my thoughts is what you're doing.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
If we were really friends and that's, you would have known that that is an unrealistic expectation to put on somebody.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And sometimes the, the, it's you that needs to go like, Oh yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. I mean, so I mean, some people like you really can put that work in. you can realize that earlier in life. This is, there's actually like a similar thing, I think for like health and fitness, which we were talking about, which is like, they're not tied to communication, but you realize that there are some people who they get it kind of beat into them, how important that is young.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they, they stay, they stick with it. And look, man, it's a lot I want to say it's easy, but it's easier to stay and maintain in your good health and fitness than it is to get way out of it and go back there. So like if you're a young person and you are, you know, one of my friends said one time, he goes, you know, I've never been out of shape.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You know, like I was training as a teen and he's like, I've just never been out of shape. I'm like, oh yeah. Like he's like, so I just make that that priority. That's a way better thing. And I think there's a parallel for learning how to communicate about yourself. If you can work on those skills of like,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
standing up for yourself, learning to talk about things that are bothering you or feeling or whatever, and you can maintain and build on that in a younger age, you're way ahead. You're way ahead. Was that assertiveness something that you struggled with when you were younger? A thousand percent. I mean, I didn't have a good model for it, honestly. I think my dad was somebody that just like...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
he was a just kind of shut down and take it. And so I kind of, I feel like I was just like, oh, like if something is bothering you, you just kind of just deal with it. Yeah. Yeah. You just deal with it. And I think I totally modeled that behavior, you know, of just, okay. Like just, just push it down. So yeah, it took years, I think of,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Oh, with tons of resistance. But I think that that's... It just goes to show you that is part of the human experience. Like you can't teach some of these lessons. It's also why these cliche expressions exist. And you're like, that sounds like the reason that thing is said that way is because it's true and because millions of people have already experienced it. That's why we're saying that thing.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Of it bothering you enough to realize... Yeah, and then you, of course, explode, right? Because you're just repressing things.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, and then it just kind of shows itself in other ways, but... Yeah, I mean, I've gotten to a place I think where at the very least an awareness of like you have to communicate and, you know, I've become much more assertive and I, you know, say what I want and talk to people way differently than I did 10, 15, 20 years ago.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That makes total sense. I also think that there's something where like, you know, like if you have a friend, like it's more likely that I would advocate for you harder than I would for myself. Way easier. Yeah, it's way easier to do. Yeah. Like, and really dig in to how fucking dare you tell them.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And self-love. Oh my God. The way that you talk to friends about any of their struggles and like how they should see themselves versus how we talk to ourselves is, When I heard that first broken down, I was like, oh my God, like I'm so abusive. I'm a criminal. Yeah. Like it's like, yeah, you talk, the way I talk to myself, like I have much less self-loathing these days than I did.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like everything, it always rears its head and you always, and it's not, I don't feel like you get like, this is done. Right. But it, when something peaks in like that, I feel like it, it has a much shorter shelf life because you realize it's, it's, it is not very loving. There's no acceptance there. And it's, it's ultimately it's, it's not productive.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
What's productive is like taking action on whatever the thing is. So, like, I just feel like whenever, like, even, like, if it's, like, fitness, health, and you're just like, you're a fucking piece of shit sitting around doing nothing. Look at this fucking gut or whatever it is. It doesn't really... I could sit in that if I wanted to, and I have before for a long time.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But it's just like, no, it's like today, now, let's go, right? Like whether it's what you're eating or let's go train. You just feel like, you know, even with like creative things, you get in these like self-loathing kind of ruts also about like what your productivity is, whether you're writing a script or you're on stage. But sitting in that, you just realize it just –
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
you just fall deeper into it and you just, it doesn't, you don't do anything. The older you get, the more you just realize the only solution for this feeling is just action.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So like what I just do in those moments when I feel that is I open my laptop or I get a pen or I just go to a, get on stage and I go, I'm forcing myself, even if this fucking bombs and like, I don't want to sit in that feeling of like, I suck. Cause I, and also like, I wouldn't do it to you, right? Like if you were like, I suck, I wouldn't be like, you know, you do suck, man.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But... Again, no one wants to hear it. And I actually don't. The older you get, the more you realize that it makes sense that you need to experience it in order to actually, you know what I mean? Like in order to act and to have it resonate with you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like you should just sit here and do nothing. I would be like, get up, let's go, let's go do something. Let's go train, whatever. Let's, let's work on a project. Like, so you just learn, I think with age and experience that action is like
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
it really is the the big solve i i that's the one thing i would tell i told you i don't like to advise like young artists and i really don't but the one thing i would feel comfortable telling them is like doing something is the way to getting where you want to go.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I don't care if you're a painter or a writer or an actor or a comedian, like, you're not going to achieve any of that by sitting here and feeling bad about yourself. Go ahead if you want to, but the way out of this is by doing the thing. You have to act.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
People get addicted to the suffering, right? And what you need to, what you try to get to is just, it's actually looking at that that voice as almost like a sign you're passing on a highway. You just kind of look and you go like, oh yeah, there's that. Like, I think that's a place you want. And then hopefully one day it's not, it's not even there at all.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's in the, it's in the past, but yeah, the longer you're in the cycle of being productive, the less that voice is there and the less it lasts. And the more you see it for what it is, which is like, it's a nuisance and it's an obstacle. And it's an enemy as well.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. At all. Yeah. But it is something that, again, like, I think so many people...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I already did it. Yeah. I mean, it's... You know, when you're really in it, there's a kind of a freedom to be in like... I'm a fucking gross sack of shit. And you just don't care. And you just eat in bed and smoke. And I mean, I used to go to bed every, like at three in the morning, almost every day. And I would sleep until, I don't know, noon. Like that was normal. I did that for years.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It just shows you like, like all this just makes me think about how complicated the human mind and experience is. It is just it like, you know, when you go to like, talk about like health and weight loss, right? There's so many people who you go like, do you know what to do? Like, do you know what to do to do it? And so many people are like, yeah, just eat this and do this.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And you're like, so what is the holdup? Right? Well, the holdup is that sure, that formula is simple, but Existing in the world and dealing with life and emotions and thoughts is not that simple. And so the execution of this plan sometimes, it just doesn't go as simply as it kind of should, right? Mm-hmm. Being a human being is complicated. It just is.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
We're sophisticated minds and entities in this. It speaks to what you were just saying. It's like, how can you have... so much control over this situation, but not here. It's like, you know what I mean? How can you not know to eat some fucking chicken and go on a walk? It's like, well, you do, but it's just being here is more complicated than that.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because I'm unique. Yeah. And then you... The other thing you just realize also as you get older is that, like, you're so not unique. You really aren't. Like, all the shit that you... All your insecurities, all the problems you encounter, all the things that you think about that you think only you're thinking about, man, that's everybody. Like, it's... You really are in this thing with...
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
This was like, is so insane. I, I, it was one, it was like my closest high school friend. And he came to see me, uh, do a show in Palm beach. And I remember, uh, we walked back from, we went to a bar that was near the hotel and we walked back to the hotel and he was like, he's overweight. He was like really huffing and puffing, sweating. And I was like, God, uh,
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I was like, I'm fat, but you're a fucking mess. Like, I was like, that was hard for you? Like, we just walked. Like on a, you know, no hill, just like straight down the street. It's like, all right, well, it is Florida. You know, it's humid or whatever. And the next day, I think they spent the night and they were driving back. And so then, and then the day after that, I go, I was living in LA.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I get back to LA and another friend was like, oh, did you hear what happened? I was like, here, what happened? I didn't, what do you mean? Oh yeah. On their way back to their house, my friend's wife was like, I don't like the way you look or your breathing. So we're just going to stop by the emergency room. I like kind of, you know, convinced him to go to the emergency room. He gets x-rayed.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
He's got tumors everywhere. He's got stage four lung cancer. And it's like, And so this is how I find out on this call. And then, you know, I, he goes immediately into treatment. Right. And they're like, yeah, this is, you know, this is basically as bad as it can get. So his brother finds the specialist who treats this particular type of cancer in Indianapolis.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
He's doing like trips from like Florida, Indianapolis, um, I go visit him in the hospital and you know, he's, this is like, I don't know, maybe a month has gone by or something. So he's deep into his chemo. He's bald. He's lost 80 pounds or something. And like, I'm like, everybody's face is kind of like, You know, you can just read it.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Doctors, spouse, friends, everyone's like, it's good that you're here, you know? And you're like, yeah. And then him, he's just like, yeah, man, just doing this. And like, you know, I'll beat this thing. And then maybe, by the way, in the summer we can go to this. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm like, oh, he's just like crazy, you know? And I'm like, does he understand the gravity of this?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they're like, I mean, I think so, but. I always told him, I go, I think you're dumb enough to think you can do this. And I actually remember that like when my uncle, my uncle was like a world-renowned urologist. And when he got mesothelioma, I remember my dad being like, you know, he's too smart. He knows how to read these charts. Like he just, he's like, he knows he's gonna die. He knows.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
He just, there's just no... And I say it jokingly, but I feel like my friend was also like uninformed and determined, obviously, to just be like, yeah, I mean, I know this sucks and this treatment sucks, but I'll be fine. And like... Believe it. Believe it. And they consider him... like in this field and, and especially with like in this specialty as like a, a true miracle. And he did beat it.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
8 billion other people. And all the things that you think are unique to you, they're really not.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. He's been in remission for, what is it now? Like seven or more years. I forget how many years now. And he beat it and he's, and he's, and like right away, by the way, you're like, he's like, he drinks, he fucking dips, he eats like shit. And you're like, fuck. Like, didn't that scare you into a different lifestyle? He's like, huh?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I'm like, you're fucking, fucking, he's got a watermelon head. So maybe there's just like air in there. I don't know. But yeah, no, he doesn't take like particularly good care of himself, which is a, look, this it's further into like the, the conversation we're talking about, like how minds work is like, I remember when my dad, uh, Also, I was at the same, I just realized this right now.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I was at the same comedy club. This is more than 10 years ago. This is like closer to 15 years ago in Florida. And he came to a show and also didn't look good and was also breathing heavy. Stop going to that comedy club. I know, right? It's killing people. And my mom also made him go to the emergency room on the way home. And he had 98% blockage.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
in his one of his arteries so they did an emergency stint right open up the artery which is like fairly common but obviously like if it's one of those things like if he didn't do that he probably would have a heart attack in the next whatever couple weeks or something and like i don't know when he got out of the hospital you know you feel this relief at the time
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And like the next time I called him, because we would talk like almost every day. I was like, where are you? I'm at McDonald's. And I'm like, didn't you just get an emergency stint put in like for your clogged arteries? Yeah, I know. And I'm just having a McMuffin. Like, what the fuck, man? And I'm like, don't you want to like.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
you know, go, Oh, thank you for this new lease on life and eat differently. And he's like, what? Like, okay. Like people just are who they are, you know, in some cases, like I, I would think, I don't know, maybe it's just like in, in like when I, I broke my fucking arm and tore my patellar tendon.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And I viewed like some of that was just like a catalyst of like, Oh, I need to take better care of myself. So I guess it's just how you're wired, I guess, in a way, right. Where you're like, I don't want to be alone from experience. So I guess I'm friends with stupid people.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like, yeah, like, I don't know. I was like, you don't want to start eating healthier because your arteries are clogged. And he was like, it's McMuffin. I'm like, okay. My friend beats cancer and you're like, how much tobacco are you consuming every day? He's like, I don't know. Like, you know, there's a correlation, right? To the thing that you narrowly beat and what you're doing every day.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Huh. Well, I mean, part of that is probably that those women have like a... a tougher time in society with what they think they need to look like, even though it affects both genders. But yeah, I think that's a temporary solution to this. The real problem, if you read some studies about those GLP-1s, is that people lose muscle mass.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And they're losing at a much higher rate than they think they are. Sometimes they're losing 66 percent in a 10 pound loss. They're losing 66 percent of that is lean mass, which is not what you want. Like the one thing you want for health and longevity and strength and all that is to retain lean mass. So doing it the slower way with like good nutrition. And good workout plan is what you want.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I mean, but also, are you surprised? Like we're, everybody wants a quicker solution to something. So yeah, I think we're going to have a bunch of people with gaunt faces and lacking muscle over the next decade is going to be a new issue.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
No, we all, I mean, I think we all have this thing where we can overthink. You can make, like, I remember talking to someone about it, like, for instance, production. When you go, I'm going to shoot something, you can always find reasons. to not do the thing.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Well, this is just gonna be, I mean, it's gonna be a night shoot or it's gonna cost this, or I don't know if we're gonna get the right sound person. And I don't, the makeup is not gonna, like you can just find reasons to not do things. I guess it goes back for me to just, whether you're under thinking, overthinking, just take action in any, you know what I mean?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So like overthinking that production thing is something that happens to so many people. Like I'm using the example of production, but this just happens for like whatever thing they want to do. Career change. Yeah. Career change or like even something pleasurable. Yeah. Talk to the girl, go on a trip.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
We're going to go skiing and they're like, you know, I don't know if I have the goggles and I have to go get them. Like, dude, like, we talk ourselves out of a lot of things, whether it's like production, pleasure. It's just, it's honestly, all these things are just like, it's life. It's like, it's, it's being in the game. Like people, you want to be in the game, right?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Whether it's like in work or in, in your own love life or whatever, you don't want to be on the side. You don't want to be not to like pile on, but you don't want to be one of the lonely people. And those people, There's a lot of reasons where someone could end up in that situation. But one of them is definitely they're talking themselves out of things, talking themselves out of engaging.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I just, you know, you just get tired of everything. So you go, I'm just going to... I'd like to be around and feel better. So you just, you know, it's an always happening thing. I don't feel like it's a thing that you just address once and you're done with it. It's something that you are just thinking about, I think, all the time. You know what I mean?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That is, and as you said it, I was just nodding along because it feels like one of those things where you realize it's kind of automatic. Like it's, it's, it's like, you know, the, the test where they say that, um, then they use every like psychology one-on-one department does this where they have the person carry the books and they drop them in front of, and they have an attractive person do it.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Everyone's like, Hey, here you go. Like, it's just, it's automatic. It's in your brain. And then.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
people are people are uh colder or i would say more um inviting and warm and wanting to be helpful to it not to attract to people that's another thing that's just like automatic like if you're in a somebody's like lost and you just go yeah but like the competency is really interesting because i've i never actually heard it's one of those things where it's like in stand-up when somebody articulates a thing that's always been there and you go like no one's ever fucking said it but
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
it's interesting that we have, we do have, yeah, like you feel naturally warmer to somebody that somebody can't figure something out. You, I guess that's kind of like a, in a way that's a good thing where you go, I'm, let me, embrace this, like help. You want to help the person who is seemingly incompetent, at least to a degree, right? Yeah, yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Well, sometimes, but then there's a point of frustration with that too. God damn it. But the more interesting thing is the other side of it. The fact that you would... have a perception that a highly competent person is just cold.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
This is the same reason I think why there's all these guys, especially stars, who the one thing they won't talk about is that they're all juicing, you know? It's like this... universal thing in Hollywood. And everyone sees their... If you see a photo or a video, everyone... The comments are all like, yeah, it must be nice with this needle.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because what the thing is, is you're less scared of that oaf. You're more scared of the very intelligent person. It's always been this way. Somebody who's like highly intelligent, part of your brain just goes, what's this person capable of doing to me? That's really at the root of what you're feeling.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You're feeling that this highly intelligent person is either going to be, is going to want to like pull something over on you. They're going to get you to do something you didn't want to do.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That's exactly what your brain's doing is it's like, it's protecting itself. The oaf, the lovable oaf, you don't have to worry about that. Your guard goes down completely. You go, this is like a puppy, you know, like there's nothing going on behind this person's eyes that I can't pick up on. This person just wants to, whatever they say is what they want.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And so like, that's the thing is that we're just kind of protecting ourselves with the highly competent person.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. You, you really just want to like, I mean, the thing is I get so much anxiety watching, this sounds like bad, but like just watching somebody not, I only want to watch really good comics in person. So like if somebody is really good, I want to watch that. If they're not, I don't want to watch. Why?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's just, I think you're feeling, you know, all those things, the feelings of trying to figure it out and the insecurities and like, and also there's tired bits and like, there's, you know, like you're watching a seven year guy, you're like, this is like... the best version of this is not great anyway.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So you don't want to, it's a seven year guy, like a guy who's been doing it just like he's still in like this development phase. And so you just go like, it just makes me, I just don't want to be around it. I want to watch like high level people. I want to watch because it's, um, it's really good. It is inspiring. It makes you go like, fuck, Like, ah, shit. I need to, I need to write more.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like those are the people I want to watch, which I mean, that's my own thing. Right. Like, but I also know a lot of people like that. Like I can't stand in the back of the room and just watch us like person after person go up. Who's like, fledgling and trying to figure it out.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Kill Tony is, well, yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And it's like, yeah, dude, if you just injected that, you're not going to look like him. Like, that guy's still... busts his ass training to be just beyond jacked. Right. Like, so, but it's like, in other words, people don't want to, they think that these things are just a quick solution. You still have to work at it.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
That's definitely happening. It's definitely happening. You...
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
it's triggering hundreds and thousands of like bad memories yeah and you just are like and you like you can just see like you you see all sudden you see that these micro movements of like oh i see that discomfort i see where this is going i know what this taught like this is just i i this is bad i want to leave so i i want to leave literally leave the room and then if you tell me like
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
somebody's on stage who you go this person's really good i yeah i want to watch that that feels good it actually relaxes me like i feel i feel how well it could go yes yeah it relaxes me i wonder what the i wonder what the sort of common lesson is there or what the sort of rule is there to try and spend time watching people but you're but you're right on kill tony though in that um you know in those people are doing like a minute and that anxiety in me can build i
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
high in that minute. I mean, I've sat up there where I'm like, and then you just fucking waiting for that cat to meow. And you're like, oh, thank God. Like just, yeah, it's, it's, there's a very uncomfortable feeling. People, we don't all react to it the same way, I think though, but for,
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. That's a, that's a extremely universal question. Right. And, and, I mean, my immediate thought is like, I can't help but think about like actually in entertainment, like in what I do, is that you come into it feeling like that. You're like, I want these things. Mm-hmm.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then you have representation, but you view representation as like mom and dad, which is not how you're supposed to do it. How so? Because you're young and you go like, can I? Is it okay? Would you approve of me? Do you think I can? And then it cultivates this relationship. A lot of young actors and comedians have this like kind of twisted relationship with their first reps, right?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Whether you're going for the, the juice head that wants to be like super jacked or the person who's just trying to lose weight. If you're just going to do the injection and nothing else, you're going to have less than him. Appropriately. Yeah, exactly. Your results are not going to be impressive. But, I mean, that's great that he's training.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Which is why a lot of times people hit the next phase in their life and they change if they can. Because they need a relationship that's more... equal as opposed to like this weird power balance. Yeah. That's not supposed to really be there because it's like with the woman you go like, but I want, but I don't feel like I should say to that person.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like, there's certain people you just feel like you can't say the thing too, which is fine. I think that's a normal thing. You need to then switch the person that you're talking to that you can speak like that too. And that's what happens a lot in
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
our field i would say like that people want to ask for things and they're scared to i was like well then you need to change who you're asking you know i mean obviously you need to get to the point where you feel like you can ask for these things but sometimes you just don't feel like you can say certain things to certain people what have you learned about human psychology through this recent recent obsession with true crime
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
mine recent i mean 40 years vestigial long time yeah um i mean i just feel like crime and you know behaviors um of criminals is a i don't understand how somebody is not fascinated by how other human beings can act i think there's something about crime in and of itself that is so accessible that that's part of, in other words, you can go into the bank and rob it.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You've gone in there before, but I'm fascinated by the fact that somebody does that, right? Like I was just there, I'm in line, I see what they're seeing and But like the fact that they do that is... Everyone's felt rage. Everyone's like, I could kill this fucking whatever. Driver on the road. Salesperson, yeah. Salesperson, driver, whatever. But you just don't.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And then to, you know... The rage thing, I guess, everybody understands how you could trip over rage. But then when you realize that some people are calculated and they are getting their thrill out of doing that, it's just a...
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
fascinating aspect of i think the human experience that there's somebody that's the same the reason i have fascination with dictators and how they can you know you you see certain um similarities between people that commit violent crimes and certain people that are uh super highly malignant narcissists that run a country um But yeah, it's just like a study for me.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's like the study in, in how somebody becomes that is what's fascinating. So like you do see parallels sometimes, and then sometimes you don't. And so in other words, like, you know, there's neglect, there's abuse, there's trauma and a lot of people that commit horrible acts of violence, but sometimes there isn't. And I mean, I guess for me, I don't know. It's like, I have always had that.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
curiosity about those stories because i like the story i like learning about what somebody did and i really love learning about how somebody gets caught i mean those those are like you know there's a whole genre of uh books and films just about these topics, obviously. And this reminds me of my wife's like, I can't believe you're watching this. I'm like, you think they made this for me?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like, you think there's one guy watching this? This is a fucking number one show right now. Like, these are fascinating stories. But I think the reason they're fascinating is because it's right there. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you're here and you're like, there's someone who's just like dialed two degrees this way and they're doing this.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
So much of them are so similar and the behavior is so different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, I mean, like, yes, I mean, some of it is that you, I think, and you hear some of these stories, you feel fear or you feel a rush or, you know, sometimes, I mean, look, there's even stories that repel you. Like there's, there's a variety of them.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like I, I, there's stories that I don't even, I got to start learning about. I don't want to learn anymore about this. It just depends on the actual story. But, Yeah, I do. I can deeply house a true crime story. Yeah. I like documentaries. I like the limited series on all these things. I watch a lot of them, yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I mean, the thing that I learned was that a nutritionist can really, really change the way you view a lot of things when it comes to weight loss. Yeah. So my journey, I would say, is like, it's always ongoing. It's up and down, right? Even like in the last couple of years. Like it's not...
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And how does it get here? What's the story? And then how did they... move from this to that. I mean, it's like why I, like, you know, people always talk about like these, the worst dictators as like monsters. And then you just kind of get used to that term, but you're like, yeah, but they're not. You know what I mean? Like, sure, their acts are, what they did was horrible.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You just remember that this, no, it's just like another dude. Like he's just a guy and he was capable of this. And that's, I want to, I want to get like to the real story of how this person. Why?
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And there's like a freedom in being like, yeah, I don't care. I don't give a shit. But I do think it has – well, it literally does have an expiration date. I don't think it does. Like, you will die quicker if you do it that way. So I think you kind of just go like, eh, I actually don't feel – physically feel so great after a while.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
You're going to do it. I mean, he and his brother Uday and forget his brother's name, but you know, they would like, they would pull people out of traffic. Like if you, if you like honked at them, Baghdad, they would just rip you out of the car, fucking either kill you or just beat you, throw you in a trunk.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They would, they ran around that place like it was all theirs because it was, they would fuck people up, did whatever they want. So yeah, if you're born into that, environment and you have you have like anything you want to do is signed off on. Like there's, there is no accountability. It's not going to, it's not going to create this, this loving spirit that, you know what I mean?
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Like it's, it's going to, did you expect him to? Yeah. It's going to bring out the worst in you. Yeah. He, those guys, I don't think they ever had a really a chance with being born into that in there with their father being who he was. There was never a chance those guys were going to be, Good chill dudes.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
steady state and like uh midsummer i knew i had this series coming up um to shoot and i was like okay i go i'm at the time i was about 100 days out and i was like you know i can just show up as i am and and it's it's fine it's going to be fine no one's like you know tom needs to be a model for this thing but i was like i'm going to hate myself for not at least putting in an effort
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
What did I most recently watch? I mean, I'm listening to the Real Dictators podcast. I'm learning about Varela right now, one of the Argentine dictators or generals that became a dictator. And then I've been watching... I mean, I watched a bunch of the series... The thing that was fascinating to me about the I was saying this to, I had Susan Hendricks on the CNN crime reporter.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
As we were discussing how like, when you watch the documentaries now about like famous cases that you grew up with, part of your brain goes, yeah, I already know that story. And then you watch these and you're like, oh, I don't remember A, any of this, or B, I didn't even have any idea about any of these details, nothing. Like I remember when I watched the,
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
lacey peterson one the scott peterson one i i just had like i was like oh yeah i mean i remember like vaguely this detail or like the menendez brothers i was like yeah they shot their parents I didn't have any recollection about the love, like the abuse that they went allegedly through at the hands of their father. I had no recollection about that.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I, I really didn't know the fact that like their father was so loathed by everybody he had ever interacted with that they couldn't even provide a character witness at the trial for him to speak on his behalf. On a guy that was murdered, who had seemingly relationships with people he had worked with, not one person would be like, yeah, this was a good guy.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Details like that, that really start to shape the story in your mind a little differently. I had forgotten, I could not believe, because they had the interrogation footage of Scott Peterson, just...
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
how crazy cold that guy was and how casual he was like yeah this is like the the day they pull him in and she's missing he's like i went fishing and like came back the dog was barking and i hope you find her and you're like that's you're like wow because it's what's interesting to me in that story is that the person is
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
sure cold enough and calculated enough to do this but they're so removed from how they should be behaving in that situation you're like oh you can't even like he couldn't even either lack the awareness or couldn't even pretend to be somebody well i always think about that i mean everybody has imagined how am i going to behave what am i going to do yeah and
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
It's the same Jean Benet criticism. And it really made me think about, did you watch American Nightmare? No. So this is one of the most... Is that the one next door? No, that was Murder Next Door. I saw that one. Yeah, that's a different one. Or Into the Fire. That one's fucking... That's really crazy.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But American nightmare, the most fascinating aspect of the story to me, which I don't know how to tell it without like giving too much, but like the most fascinating aspect is that on episode one, this guy tells in, he's telling you that as the interviewer, but any, they go to the interrogation footage, he's telling the police of what just happened, which is that he was with his girlfriend and somebody came in and
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And so I had considered like just doing GLP-1s. Have you ever tried them? I did try it once. Yes. How do you feel? I just didn't eat anything. And then I got off of it. I didn't like that. So I considered it for this, just for the shoot though. And I met a nutritionist and I told him what I was doing at that moment, which is in the midsummer.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Tied them up, gave them like something to drink.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And kidnaps her, right? And you're watching this and you're like, this guy is full of shit. Like something is off. He is not speaking to the police. In the way that he should. That he should. His emotions are not reading the way that I know they should. The second episode begins and they're talking to the woman.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And she's, you're seeing her in the interrogation and you're still like, yeah, this is not, this is not. And then when you get through the story, you're like, oh, they were both telling the truth. And I'm sorry, I just ruined it for everybody. But that was like the real, I was like, that was the thing that threw me the most was like, no, I know how you're supposed to behave.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
in a truthful way and this is not that so this is not truthful and then you're like wait a minute this was truthful and that to me was like the most I still couldn't get over it the way that he was talking about what had just happened I was like I understood actually why the police were like This is... It's you, dude. Yeah. What the fuck? And the same thing with the girl.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're like, well, she's full of shit. This is not... It's like the party... And they seem like they're seemingly normal. Like, they're nice people. At least they come across this way when you see them like... in the moment now telling the story, but you're like, the fuck was going on? And maybe it's what's going on is what you were saying is that their systems were so fucking far in their head.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You go, I just, whatever that person is doing is not why I want to watch the person who feels control and, and, and is like, you know, confident, whatever, like the, yeah, at ease. I want to see that. And it's true. What's funny is that like you with the, like the Scott Peterson example, you automatically go, right.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But this person jumping through hoops because they're lying and they want you to not know that they're lying. With the other one, what's so interesting is that he's telling the truth, but he's probably like, I hope you believe that I'm telling the truth because I am telling the truth and I don't know how to.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Because what you do is you think about times where you realize someone has thought, are you telling the truth? And you're trying to convey, no, I am. I'm telling you what really happened. And you can see doubt in their face. Like you can see them.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And I go, so I'm thinking about, you know, maybe just doing, he's like, what are you doing right now? And I told him what I was eating and how I was training. He's like, you're not eating enough. So if you get on GLP-1s, you're definitely not going to eat enough. So the thing that I ended up doing was eating way more, but of the right foods. And I dialed up the training and I lost weight.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah, that makes so much sense. But people who commit some of these heinous crimes, they're not going to feel guilt one way or the other. But it's interesting that, Maybe somebody who doesn't have that personality disorder, that guilt shows itself if they start to feel the likelihood that they're going to get caught.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Also, we all can relate. We've all been enraged. We've all been enraged. So that's a big factor there.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
Yeah. With the scalpel and, you know. Yeah. If when somebody when you hear about somebody who emotionally has zero emotion about going in and and tying up and cutting somebody open, that's not you're not like, yeah, I've been there, man. Like it's it's a totally different thing. So that that that person, I think, is definitely the more terrifying one. Fuck, yeah.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
you know, in this period, going from the 100 days out through the shoot, like around 20 pounds.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And also the thing that was surprising was that it was... it was more like I was eating so much more. I mean, every day I would have, you know, I would start the day with like four eggs, some fruit. Um, a little while later, I usually train in that period. And then, uh, like a 50 gram protein shake lunch was 10 to 12 ounces of lean meat with greens. Um, another, uh, snack in between. And then
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
my dinners were 16 ounces of lean protein with greens. Right. So it's like, I was like, I wasn't eating like this two months ago. I was having like, you know, a chicken sandwich and be like, that was good protein. You know, it's like, it's so much like my protein intake must've been like, I don't know. I was probably having like
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
40 grams a day, not even thinking about it versus every day then trying to get in 250, 200.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But it does work. It's like my point for like people who are like, They're like, I need to eat. I'm hungry. It's like, dude, eat this and tell me that you're like starving. Yeah, it's just not the case.
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#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I think in your head, too, like you psychologically are just kind of like – uh, there's, there's another way of doing this. Um, that because part of you kind of, I was one of somebody who like, I would admire those comedians that were kind of a mess. So you, you know what I mean? Like you go like, I need to be like this.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
They're such pieces of shit. And this whole thing has always enraged me more than anything, I think. I think because of the fact that I've struggled with it and I had to deal with the fact that I hated the way I felt or looked or, you know... you hate that your genetics are the way they are, whatever it is.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
But I also, I also think part of it's just being a guy and that like guys talk to each other differently. Like, you know, I played sports and you just get used to someone being like, okay, fat ass. And you're just like, fuck you. You know, that's just like the way dudes talk to each other.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
And this whole idea that like one of my friends is going to be like, I actually think you look really good at any weight. It's like, fuck off. Like, That's not true. And that's what people started to do. Like, I remember this one post where it was, like, Adele. And they showed her, like, at her heaviest. And then she'd lost a bunch of weight.
Modern Wisdom
#901 - Tom Segura - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense?
I don't know how she lost weight, but she lost a bunch of weight. I think she looked pretty ozempic as well. I think it was, too. And she looked great. And it was just filled. Everything was just filled with, I think she looks great in both. And it's like, no. Why are you saying that? That's not true. Like, she looks great now. She put in the work. And she...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You know, it's just like we don't necessarily want that as the guy with his finger on the button. That's all it is. Sure. That's the thing that freaks people out. But the policies that he had when he was – the thing is everyone's saying he's going to be a dictator. Well, he wasn't a dictator. He was the president. He actually was the president for four years. And the economy really did well.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I've watched so many people get their legs broken. Yeah. And I see it in like jujitsu videos all the time where someone's like going for a heel hook and then you hear this crack. And the guy screams in agony, and then everybody's like, oh, this is horrible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And he really did try to cut some of the bullshit down that's going on in this country. Yeah. And who knows what would have happened if you had four more years? Maybe we would have been economically better off even if you don't like that one person to be like the figurehead of the country that you identify with because you live here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You don't want to identify with this guy that you think is blustery and – Well, the thing is he's going to – we have like 55 days or something.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's close as fuck. She's probably ahead now. I saw the Fox News poll. It's hilarious. 90% Trump won. They're eating cats, I saw! I saw on Facebook! They're killing newborn babies. By the way, I think they are eating cats. I think some people are eating cats.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think you get a bunch of poor people that are from an island where they occasionally eat cats, and you throw them in a city where there's 50,000 people, you throw 20,000 people in there, and there's ducks at the pond. I'm gonna go get a duck if I'm hungry.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So, yeah, I would not believe a- Yeah, dude, if I was starving, if I just came from another country and there's ducks laying around, I'd grab a duck. Sure. I don't think it's that crazy. That's not their fault. Like, how the fuck did they get here? How'd you get 20,000 shipped to one town? Like, what is that? What's the real story behind that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's a lot of it here. A lot of it in California. A lot of it in Arizona. But it's a real issue. And look, you and I are both the products of immigration. Immigration is fucking awesome. But, hey, maybe when they do stuff that's bad, you should put them in jail. Like, hey, maybe. Hey, maybe you should use the same laws on them. Hey, maybe.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
We should check to see if they're murderers before they come across the board.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Do you think – but recently, I think it's – they're also flying people in, which is crazy. But recently, I think it's because they want people that are on the fence. You know, the people that are on the fence, because this is not all that plays to all that matters. But once they're in again, if they're in again, they'll probably do the same thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because what you're doing is you're essentially changing states that are swing states into blue. Because if you're going to give these people money, debit cards and food stamps and and let them come in and even they're even talking about gender reassignment surgeries.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true either. Because that's part of the problem with this whole people are eating cats. It's like you don't fucking know what's true anymore. That's a big thing. Maybe you just read things on the internet or you hear things on the radio. Who fucking knows what's true?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I saw a guy and a girl arm wrestling, and the guy broke the girl's arm. I'm like, what the fuck, man?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Right. Harris told ACLU in 2019 she supports cuts to ICE funding and providing gender transition surgery to detain migrants. That is crazy. Yeah. And also that is that's just September 9th.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that's a good thing. Yeah. People can change this idea of flip flopping when you learn more information. No, stick to your guns. No, no. Stupid shit. You first can evolve and stay there forever. Yeah. That's dumb. Yeah. You definitely could evolve and you could be wrong. And that's part of being a good leader is recognizing you're wrong and correcting your course. That's all good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What is going on with the earrings? Earrings? Do you know about this, the earring controversy?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay. So there are people that believe that what she was wearing last night was the type of earring that they use for, it's like an, it's an earpiece. Like you can talk through it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, no, Jamie. They want one that looks like a fucking earring so you can just wear it. Duh. Like, if you have one that looks like an earpiece, like, oh, like if Trump had one right through the bullet hole.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But here's the thing. It does look exactly like the ones that they use for what they're called Nova earphones.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So there's a video. I'll send you the video, Jamie. But there's a video of this thing in action. It's pretty fucking interesting. Because in the video, they're showing that these little earphones, like it's a commercial. And it's pretty cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you wear it as an earring. God damn it, did I save it? I might have saved it on Twitter, not Instagram. But it's, did you find it? There's a video. I'll find the video. It's kind of cool. It's cool because I like all that spy espionage type shit. Yeah, sure. It's fucking interesting. But if she really did do that, first of all, if she didn't do that, Bring those earrings.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Allow them to be investigated. Please. Sure. Just the ones that you wore. We'll trust you. Take those. Because you can't really get a pair made that aren't those. Right. So this is what it looks like. So... There's a different commercial that I saw. It's pretty cool. So, like, these are earrings, but they're actually earphones. So, like, you listen to music, all kinds of shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Or you can have people give you instructions and say, hey, make fun of the crowds. Now's the time. Right. Make fun of them. Smile. Smile. He's talking about eating cats. Don't get mad. Put your hand on your chin. Don't cackle. So these are actual earphones, which is really crazy. Yeah, I did not realize that. And so that's exactly what the ones looked like that she was wearing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, my God. Every time I go on Twitter, I get fucking anxiety. I just sent it to you, Jamie. You can see the comparison side by side of the two of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Terrifying. I'm just scared that someone's going to do something really stupid. Yeah. Like some extremists on either side that really do believe you're going to take away the trans kids or really do believe you're going to destroy the country from the inside. So that's what it looks like. Okay. Real fucking similar. Yeah. Yeah. Real fucking similar. I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know if that's what she's wearing. She might have just been wearing earrings. But if they have the kind of technology like that for regular people, and you could do that, and most people aren't aware of it, and you can get it off because the ABC people aren't aware of it. Sure. Sneak it in, baby. Yeah, yeah. That'd be rad. It's fun. I'd respect it so much. That'd be awesome.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Wherever you stand, politically left or right, you got to respect what she did last night. She got a great showing. She did. She did a great job. She did. But it just, whoever's pulling the strings, what a masterful job of propaganda they've done. Taking someone that they all agreed was not a good vice president, was the least popular vice president. Nobody even fucking knew anything about her.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Nothing. Bro, everybody made fun of her. Even like Joe Scarborough was talking about how she's like a problem for the ticket. Sure. And now you look and she's like neck and neck with him. Is she ahead of him today? The whole thing is so nuts, man. But Taylor Swift's on her side. Taylor Swift's on her side.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's ridiculous. Most people have to work. And also vote in person with a fucking ID. We just got through three fucking years of you have to have a vaccine passport in order to get food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You have to be able to show an ID and show that you're vaccinated to get on an airplane. We just got through that. And now all of a sudden it's racist to say that you want voter ID. No, I think it's insane. There's only one reason to do it that way. There's two things that are going on simultaneously. You're letting in literally millions of people. millions of people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you're giving them all these services for sure. Okay. Whatever, however much there's all these talk, there's all this talk about they gave the money and there was, you know, all these stories about people getting debit cards and food stamps and all this money. And then they're putting up in hotels in New York city and they're giving them free food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And then there's people that are poor that live in America. They're like, Hey, why am I not getting that? What's going on here? Well, because they already have your vote. They've already tricked you into voting specifically for this one party.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So now if you bring in millions and millions of people and then the same people that want to bring these people in or that are allowing their policies that are allowing these people to come in are the same people that think voter ID is racist. Like, You're racist saying voter ID is racist, by the way. I agree, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because you're saying that these people are too stupid to get a fucking driver's license? Yeah. Everybody has a goddamn driver's license. That's true. What are you saying? I know. What are you saying? Like, voter ID is racist?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, there's also how many seats is dependent upon how many people are in your county. And the more people you import into your county, the more you can change the demographics.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You've got to fucking give the Democrats credit for the manipulation. I mean, they did everything, like every time they've had a hurdle, like they moved Bernie off the fucking primaries. They fucked him. You know, then it comes to the whole thing with RFK. They fucked him. Fuck you. Fuck Tulsi. Fuck you. Everybody's out. They've done. I mean, and right in front of everybody's face.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And yet all these people like, yay, save democracy. Like, are you not seeing what's going on? Are you not seeing like. If the same people with the same ideas played fair, if the same people with the same ideas played fair, we have a different thing. We have a different thing. We have a different thing. And then we can get back to people disagreeing about policy, disagreeing about plans.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
We're so far from that. We're so far from that that people don't even give a fuck about what the policy is. They're just committed to their side. And anything their side does that's kind of fucked up or twisted, they'll gaslight you on it. Then they'll say it's not that big of a deal. And then they'll tell you it's good that that's happening.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Somebody had a great tweet about the eating pets thing. It's one of those things where I just, I read it and I'm just, I'm so happy that we live in a time of the internet. Because the internet is so fun. Because there's so many regular people out there in the world that are so fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So this dude's name is Nick Freitas. And Green Beret, combat veteran. But look at his, look at this tweet that I sent you, Jamie. Yeah. I can't believe this is a topic. The left.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No one is eating people's pets, which means we're one week away from why do you care that people are eating pets, three weeks from why eating pets is a good thing, and four weeks from refusing to eat pets is white supremacy. No, he's got it. He fucking nailed it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, you lose your fucking mind. Yeah. And there's a lot of people losing their mind. It's just... I don't engage in it. I know you don't either. It's a bad way to communicate with people. It's a bad way. It's bad for your health. I really believe that. I think it's bad for your mental health.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Ari did that for a while, too. Right before the Kobe thing. He got back online and immediately went bad. Oh, my God. Yeah. But it's not good for anybody. And that's why I am absolutely addicted to looking at things on my phone. I'm addicted to watching YouTube. I'm addicted to stories, just looking at stories on Google.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And a lot of it is nonsense, but a lot of it is super interesting science stuff. I get a lot of super interesting science stuff all day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, you're a fucking dude that works for you. That was the most ridiculous. That was hilarious. Do you think he just does that because he just wants attention?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
We have a bad thing. You and me, our text, which is what I was going to get to, our text message chain is the fucking worst thing on the internet. It's so dark.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, this is my and Tommy's thing. The darkest, the darkest things we find.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that was why the old Twitter was weird, because they had hardcore porn. There was always hardcore pornography, but if you misgendered someone, you'd be banned for life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, how is it getting through Instagram's filters? I don't... Because I asked you this like a couple months ago because I'm not on TikTok. I'm like, did you see that when you sent me something particularly disturbing, I was like, okay, is this on TikTok too?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because whoever's putting these videos up, these are accounts from bots. So if you look at the accounts, there's no real comments and real things that anybody's saying with that account. And then this account might have thousands of these videos.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, and the war footage, the drone footage is just like... I saw one yesterday where this drone, a kamikaze drone, was coming after these guys, and they were shooting at it with AKs, and they couldn't take it down. The thing was evading the bullets, and then finally it moved into the guy, threw his AK at it, and it blew up. It saved his life. Really?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He threw his fucking rifle at the drone as it was coming to... Because they dive on you and blow up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I mean... They're suicide bombers. Yeah. Yeah, it's really... It's super disturbing. Guys are going into the trenches with GoPros on. Like, I watched this one where this Russian guy killed these Ukrainian guys that were in, like, they were in a trench, and he's, like, got a GoPro on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And he guns these guys down when they're in the trench. And one guy's, like, struggling for the rifle, and then he fucking gets the barrel back and blows his head off, and you're like, yo! Yeah. And it's all like five feet away, three feet away. Like, fuck, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, if you saw my feed, if I was like being arrested for being a serial killer, and they had to look at his social media, like, look at his algorithm. Oh, yeah. Look at his algorithm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, it's always interesting just psychologically to see, like, what the fuck were the – you know, like you're watching something on Richard Ramirez or something like that. I was like, what was this guy like? Oh, yeah. I just cannot watch those things at night. If I watch them in the day, I can tolerate them. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But at night, before I go to bed, it just gives me too much room for crazy thoughts.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can't watch things about war at night. War freaks me out the most because I'm always like, okay, before Pearl Harbor or before 9-11, no one knew that was going to happen. How do we not know? How do we know that we're not in a situation right now where we're just before something really fucked up happens? And that gets me at night.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. I was looking at him like, you want to arm wrestle? You're not even a strong guy. There's probably a lot of things you could do better than me. But this one. This one you got. This is silly. This one's silly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you don't know what that is, and you don't know why it's happening. You hear about NATO moving their arms closer to Russia, and you know that there was a coup that was probably facilitated by the United States in 2014, and it's like, fuck, man, all this monkeying with shit overseas scares the fuck out of me, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Every day there could be some new thing popping off somewhere in the world, and you're like,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Mutually assured self-destruction. Yes. And then the other thing was that during the Reagan administration, they kind of like forced the Russians into trying to keep up with us militarily, which kind of bankrupt the Soviet Union.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because if you have a communist country, it's it's way harder to get money. Yeah. You're not making anything. You're not selling anything. There's not a lot of capital being thrown around.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And while you're having massive military spending, it's kind of unsustainable. But then they've since recovered. And then them, like China, like what's interesting, what China has done is China has developed this sort of, They have capitalism and communism, which is the way to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Like, you get people motivated to make a lot of money, industries get huge, but everything is completely tied into the government, which is like, oh, we nailed it. This is it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's a good program. It's not good for the people. It's not good for us. It's good for running the show. It's great for running the show. And that's, you know... This is what's scary about what's going on in this country is there's some people that have the notion that in order for us to compete with these other countries, we have to govern people in a more similar way than they do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They have to have more control over information, more control over what people say and do, more control over money. China now has centralized digital currency in some places, which is – that's very scary. Once the government has complete access to your money and be able to shut your money off or – With the truckers. Yeah. So these people just donated money to this trucker protest.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's all they did. Donate money. And Canada shut their bank accounts down. Which is, that's scary stuff, man. It's very scary. That's Banana Republic shit. And that's, you could walk to Canada.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, there's cars today that have OnStar on them that the police can shut your car off. Yeah. So if you're running a high-speed chase with the cops and you have some vehicle that has OnStar on it, you just hit a button. Is that true? Make sure that's true. That might be theoretical. I think it's true, though. I think they could just shut your car off. That's pretty scary.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But they market to you like, look, if someone steals your Corvette, Tom, you just call up. And then we'll have that car shut off. Sure. And that person's on the highway and it just pulls over for them. Yeah. Yeah. Scary. Yeah. Well, you know the story about Michael Hastings, right? Michael Hastings was the reporter for Rolling Stone. Can police use OnStar to disable a car?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
If the vehicle is parked and turned off, the OnStar advisor can use remote ignition block to prevent the engine from being restarted, allowing the police to recover the vehicle. So they can only do it once it's off? Can police use OnStar to disable a car? Click that. Search for. Below. Below that? That part. Click that. See if that gives you a different answer. The vehicle's parked and turned off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Same thing. So can it shut off your car while you're driving? Hold on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Disable engine and end high-speed chases so it can. Satellite technology that could disable an engine with a simple push of a button helped end the high-speed chase of a stolen sports utility vehicle in La Porte, resulting in the arrest of Mishawaka Man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Shut it down. So OnStar controlled this guy's car. And they're looking at it like it's a good thing because it is a good thing because this guy was a crazy person. Reckless driving, other counts, resisting law enforcement, running from the cops. But it's kind of crazy that they could just press a button. So maybe it's something that you didn't really do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Maybe you're a whistleblower for some chemical company that's done something that's illegal and then – People don't want you to, you're going to crash the stock market, and you're on the run, and they know he's got the papers on him, find that fuck. And they just, boom, slow your Cadillac down. Yep. Spooky. It's kind of spooky, man. It's spooky because we know that people abuse power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's not spooky. Look, if we had our elected officials were all super enlightened beings that were different than human beings and that only did things according to ethics and rules and morals and knew what was right and what was wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe then you can make a justification. Yeah, but that's not our case. That's not humans. That's not humans. All that stuff's crazy. Mm-hmm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's just you're giving too much power to people. And then you could figure out a way to justify it and say, yeah, but what about those people that are running from the cops? You're right. You're right. You're right. But what about someone who's corrupt, who's got a hold of that technology and they're tracking their ex-wife because she's going to testify against them and they have her whacked?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That shit happens too. For sure it does. For fucking sure. Yeah. And then if there's no record of it, if you just got some sort of computer and you can just fucking slow down someone's car and then the hitman catches up to him, guns are down or whatever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Well, we're seeing that with Google searches. Nobody ever thought that you could just manipulate Google searches.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But you 100% can. I had Robert Epstein on the other day, and he was explaining how it's done and what they do, and they're capturing all these ephemeral – So every time Google shows you stories or every time you Google something, they record what Google shows you. And every time you Google something about Trump, it's going to show you all the negative.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You Google about Kamala Harris, it's going to show you all the positive. And just by doing that for the casual voter, they can change the vote by a significant percentage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Have you ever done an experiment where all your apps are closed and you just start talking about something and see if Google picks that up? Uh-uh. Because that would be interesting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay. Okay, what should we talk about? What would be a good thing? Let's see. Let me make sure that everything, all my shit is closed. I'm going to close everything. Close. What would be a good thing to talk about that would find out? Let's go something that we don't ever look up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
High school baseball is so important because high school baseball teaches you teamwork.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And it teaches you how to perform together with friends. You develop camaraderie. You learn how to compete.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you're balling. And you're driving a Lamborghini. And you're driving a yellow Lamborghini. Okay, now let's see. How much time do you think it takes before high school baseball? I think it takes a little more. I just want to bring up high school baseball. High school baseball.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Whip. Whip. Those dudes can whip that ball. They sure can. So what is the fastest anyone's ever thrown a fastball?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I was going to say 118. Okay. That's just a wild guess, though. Is this going to be that? What do you think it is, Jamie? Do you know what it is? Is this going to be the highest in a game or just the highest? Highest ever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
The best. Right. Because he's probably not the most accurate. Like it's just like in tennis. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Right, right, right, right, right. Like a guy with the hardest punch is not necessarily the best fighter. Exactly. So what is, let's take a guess.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What about in, like, the world record for the fastest ball ever thrown? There's got to be competitions, right? Like they have those golf competitions where dudes just drive the ball. A thousand percent, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
All right, I'm opening up Google to see if we get any high school baseball. Come on, Google. Don't disappoint me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Bro, that's bananas. He's 6'10". So far, it's just wolves and MMA. Let me see.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I've got the debate. I've got upcoming fights. Canelo Alvarez. Connor. Sugar Sean O'Malley and Marab Dwabashwili. Watches. Watches. Cybertruck. Baseball. But you know what would be interesting, though?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Right. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep checking back for high school baseball. And if high school baseball – well, now I'm cheating because I got Google open. I'm going to shut it now. We'll see. We'll see if they get me. Okay. I should have come up with a product instead of high school baseball. Product's a good idea. Like Lamborghini's a product.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're going to try to sell you the product. That would be a better move. There you go. I should have had a product. What would be the product? But I want it to be a product that I wouldn't ordinarily search. That's why I said high school baseball. Right. Like what's a product that I wouldn't search? Have you searched humidors? No. Humidors. That's a good one. Cigar humidor? Cigar humidor. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Cigar humidors. What's the difference? There's so many sizes. Are there some that are too crazy and it's overkill? What's the best wood for a cigar humidor? One of my neighbors built a room. Trying to get away from his wife. He built like a store in his house. He's trying to hide from his wife. It's awesome. He's hiding. I love it. It's fucking awesome, dude. I don't want to do this anymore.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They hate it when it's outside. Like, oh, that guy across the street's got a cigar. So nice to start.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. That was nice. Shouldn't that be legal, Tommy Buns?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I mean, it kind of is. Depends on the mushroom. I take a lot of functional mushrooms. Over the last six months or so, I've been taking Reiki and Cordyceps and...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
an eye mask on and i was like ah i'm just looking oh yeah i've seen all kinds of and then it's 2 30 in the morning and i'm like i gotta take something else so i can go to bed well when i get uh riled up late at night i always feel like an idiot because i was like i've just ruined my sleep yeah if i'm late at night and i've got too many crazy ideas and start freaking me out it just ruins your sleep and the next thing you know it's four o'clock in the morning you're on bed it's it me up i know it was just my own ignorance
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And then if you have a podcast the next day, you got baggy eyes, you look like shit, and your brain is not working so great. Oh, by the way, one of the best supplements for performance, mental performance, when you are missing sleep is creatine. Really? Like creatine, like the workout supplement? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Creatine, the workout supplement, it's really good for workouts, but it's also really good for cognitive function. Didn't know that. Yeah. Never heard that. Well, if you think about it, what creatine does, like Google exactly what creatine does so I don't fuck this up. But what I think it does essentially is it allows your body to hold on to more water. Yeah. There's more water in the muscles.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So it increases muscle volume and it helps. Okay. Here. What does it say? Creatine is compound. What? Body naturally makes, get it from protein-rich foods. It supplies energy to your muscles and may also promote brain health. Many people take creatine supplements to increase strength, improve performance, and help. What happened? What'd you just do?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I was reading it. Okay. Increase strength, improve performance, and help keep their minds sharp. I've never heard this. But the study, the recent study was the positive effects of creatine on people that are sleep deprived. Interesting. It says an increased energy supply to neurons in the brain, which may help with mood and thinking. So it does something with water.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because it makes you gain a little weight from it that I think you're storing more water. So you have a bad night of sleep. The next day, yeah. But I take it every day anyway. I've been taking it every day anyway for like the past six months. Really? Yeah, it makes a difference. It really does. It makes a difference in your workouts.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But what I think – I try to take as many things as possible that are good for cognitive performance. Obviously, like doing a podcast, you need that. Increased water. Here it is. Creatine is an osmotically active substance. Thus, any increase in the body's CR content, creatine content, should result in increased water retention and consequent gains in body mass.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You know what I mean? You're just so well versed. But is it a delusional thing or has that guy had other success in life because he's just super determined?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, that's more recent. They've been talking about that. You know, it's been used as a muscle supplement since like the 90s or been popular since the 90s. Jamie, what does it say about because there was some sort of a study about creatine supplementation to enhance performance with sleep deprivation?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because there was this study that was showing that, you know, your cognitive performance when you just have like four or five hours sleep drops off a cliff. You know, I notice it in a big way. I'm just like it's 70% of like my normal. A single high dose of creatine can temporarily improve cognitive performance during sleep deprivation.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
This is due to creatine's ability to prevent a drop in pH level, improve processing speed, increase intercellular energy consumption, and increase high extracellular creatine availability. Isn't that awesome?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think you have ADD or ADHD, whatever the fuck it is. Confirmed. I think so. But I couldn't... I think we both need Vyvanse, whatever it is. It's fucking awesome. Isn't that the guy who's the vice president under Trump? No, J.D. Vance.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Really? I could not believe it. What's the comedown like?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yo, there's a lot of people out there just turning and grinding all day on amphetamines.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can't believe I'm bringing it up again, but that book over there, Blitzed, is a Norman Ohler book about the Nazis during the Blitzkrieg campaign. They were all on meth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. And they would give more meth to the people that were on the front lines. Like the tank guys, they got the most meth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But if he's correct and he was correct, then it's not delusional.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But the doctors were like, you're dead. And what if he just decides I'm dead and he starts freaking out? Or maybe he goes to Oregon and gets assisted suicide.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
yeah to the ground and cuff them as if they're a dangerous criminal like like he's like he was a violent offender right it was really fucking nuts it is nuts the whole thing's nuts it's not it's nuts but it's also it's like it's nuts both ways right it's like roll the window down Roll the window down. Say yes, sir. Give your driver's license. You're speeding. You're going 103 miles an hour.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're whacking people left and right up in Canada. Yeah. If you're depressed, like you're not feeling good, come on in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know anything about McLarens, but it's fucking dope. I know. I remember when you were reviewing one, when you had that car thing you were doing for a while.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Whether you're a do-it-yourself beast or you prefer professional installation, Blinds.com has you covered. And guess what? You can get your entire house done for one low price. No hidden fees, no showroom markups. What you see is what you pay. No, I get it. Ordering online can be sketchy, but not with Blinds.com.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But they're making cars that just a rich knucklehead can buy that has the most insane speed and power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Or think about the Corvette ZR1. So that has an even lower bar to entry. That's like 200 grand, right? What's a ZR1, the new one? I don't know. I don't know the price on that. But that thing's insanity. That's like 1,100 horsepower, right? Really crazy, yeah. Insane.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know. I'm sure. I'm sure it's other countries, but it's a recent thing in Canada where they're just whacking people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Whew. So it's almost 1,100 horsepower. Fucking bananas. That's so much power for a car. It used to be if a car had 400 horsepower. Like, I remember I got a Porsche Turbo in, like, 2003, and it was 420 horsepower. I was like, this is crazy. That's a bonkers number. It was crazy back then.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Just Google MSRP for ZR1. You really can't get one. You have to have an allocation, right? There's probably... Is that one? One for sale? That's the 3L. $129,000. Oh, it's an 06? Yeah. Oh, that's a Z06. Yeah, Z06 is pretty fucking incredible, too. So that's $129,000. Oh, there you go. The ZR1 is probably, yeah, $200,000.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, Google it. Google it. Because this is something you'll actually find on Google. It's like it's assisted suicide in Canada.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
$200,000 Corvette, while others believe that it will start for much less than that. Oh, so they haven't really got the price out there yet. Oh. Wow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
$400,000 is so crazy. Well, then you got that Hennessy, that Venom thing, that's $3 million. Yeah. So you get like Konya Sags, Pagani. Yeah. Have you seen that Bugatti that has all of its instrumentation is all mechanical, like a beautiful watch? And the steering wheel...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
turns around the gauge cluster, so the gauge cluster maintains in the center of the wheel, and your steering wheel turns around it and it never moves. No. It's fucking magnificent. And what is this in? A Bugatti. Oh, wow. I'm not even a Bugatti guy, because Bugatti to me is like, look at my dick. That's Bugatti, you know? But look at that fucking thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
See if you can find the gauge cluster. Because the gauge cluster is just complete insanity. Scroll up towards it so they get to the interior. I know they have to show it. There it is. They're going to show it. So that's the gauge cluster. So the steering wheel spins around that stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So all that stuff sits behind the wheel, and it's all mechanical clocks. Like, look at it. It's digital and mechanical at the same time. Oh, he's going over it here, yeah. I mean, it is just a piece of art. And this is definitely like $3.5 million. Oh, crazy money. If you could get one, right? It's probably $5 million, but you probably can't even get it. $3.8 million.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
million pounds or is that is that pounds or euros what is that little thing squiggly thing that's pounds pounds so what is three three point eight million pounds i mean it's over four dollars it's an incredible car but i mean you're you basically have a house you're driving around a fucking house that's too crazy and look at that little touch screen pops up look at that screen we look how it spins around says bugatti yeah baby
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's a total look at my dick. It's a big old Italian dick. Hey, Joey, look at my dick. It's incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Is that the Lacey Peterson? Yes. So is that one – is the new one where people are saying maybe he didn't kill her?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Do you know Sam Altman? He's always the head of OpenAI. Yeah. He's always kind of said, I'm not doing this for money. I don't make any money. And they just busted him in a $4 million Kona Seg. They did? Yes. Oh, that's awesome. See if you can find that car, the video of him in that car. Oh, I don't need money. But me, money? I'm not even interested in money.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Look at it. Oh, my God. Go back to the beginning so you can see him get in it. Does it show him get in it? No. That's him in his fucking. Yeah. Elon was mocking him. Look at that. Got a $4 million car. There he is. Hi, busted. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. I think you like money. Look, you don't buy one of those unless you really want to get rich. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you also want everyone to know how fucking rich you are. You want everyone to know how rich. And you're rich right now enough. I don't have a $4 million car. I wouldn't drive with that. I'd be freaked out. I can't drive. I can't park anywhere. What am I going to do? That's crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's like, how much money do you get? How much money do you make?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What are you doing that you're driving a $4 million car? That's so crazy. And you're telling everybody you're not trying to make money? If you're not interested in money, you get a Mercedes. You get a nice S-Class and people get mad at you. You really want people to not get mad at you? Get a Lexus. Get an LS500, cruise around in style. No one's going to get mad at you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, they're fine with that. You have a $4 million car. Hyper car. And you're involved in artificial intelligence, and it's supposed to be open AI, and then all of a sudden it became a private company. There's a lot of weirdness with what happened with the money. Do you know? Yeah, the amount. Oh, Sam Altman car collection. He's got a McLaren F1. Two McLarens. He's got the F1?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He's got some cheddar. Well, he probably already had a bunch of money already, right? So how did he come into OpenAI?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So he's got a $4 million car. That's why. He's got $2 billion?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And also disposable income because you ain't making no kids. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, what did Elon say about it? Because it was something about Elon mocking him. It's like, because, you know, Elon was a part of open AI in the beginning. Then he was like, hey, this isn't so open. Right. What's going on here? And he brought up the threat that this is. Elon mocks OpenAI. What is he saying? How is he mocking him? What does it say? OpenAI, drive one of those expensive cars.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How did OpenAI become a for-profit business when it was a non-profit? Elon says, great question. But also, if this guy was already a billionaire. So was he a billionaire before opening up?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What's the... He's making a point. You sure that wasn't quoting the actual video?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a good question. What's the origin of Sam Altman's wealth? Where'd he make all the... Petter, where he's got a $4 million car. Billions. A $4 million car is also like, look at my dick. Yeah, big time. It's just like the Bugatti. It's a huge flex.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How did that one go? So that one. Canada's controversial medically assisted death program is fastest growing in the world. Damn. Since suicide became legal in Canada, the number of deaths have grown each year. So this is August. So this is just last month. So what is it saying in terms of the numbers? Most recent data shows 13,241 people in 2022. In 2022. Wow. That's quite a jump.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So he's balling. He's already balling. So don't be hating, kids. Fine. The guy's making it. He's out there rocking in the free world. Fucking rad. Yeah. The thing about those cars, those cars are really fun, but you know what my most fun car to drive is? Actually, the most engaging car is my little air-cooled 964. That Porsche RX America, RS America. The red one? It's not the fastest. Yep.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Not the fastest by any stretch of the imagination. It's slow compared to...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, but that car is way faster than my car. That car is pretty fucking fast.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that's like my white car, the GG3 RS, the Shark Works car. Same kind of thing. It's just real raw. But they're not as raw as that little red car. That little red car is like you're on an awesome ride at Disneyland.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Where you're in control. You feel everything. No power steering. There's power-assisted brakes. There's no air conditioning, no heat, no nothing. Light as fuck. 300 horsepower. And it's just a thrill. And it's just... And you just, it just makes your whole body tingle. Yeah. It's like exciting. That is to me the most fun thing to do. It doesn't even, you don't have to be going fast. No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, let's do it next month. It's hard to do, man. Let's definitely do it. Well, next month we probably can't because next month is F1. But after F1's out. After F1. Yeah, after F1's, we'll do another day. The ultimate baller move. The ultimate. Like, all these guys, they want to get fucking Chateaus and France and Poho. This is the ultimate baller move. You get a giant piece of land that's flat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you put yourself a fucking racetrack on it and let's go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a good move. So if you know some cool car people, you can hang out together.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That'd be so addictive. I know. So addictive. I know. Even just in a Miata, just going around in something fun, small. Miatas are amazing for a track. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's not about how fast you go. It's about how much fun it is to go fast. There's cars that go way, like my Tesla is the best example. It goes way faster than anything else I own. But it's not as fun. No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There's a fun factor to the roar of the engine, the feeling of the tires, the shifting the gears yourself, all of it. The fun part.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And everybody today is chasing numbers. They're all chasing Nürburgring times and zero to 60s and quarter miles. Yeah, and it makes you lose sight of the real thrill of driving. It's also dangerous for everybody on the street. You got these Vyvanst up kids out there with a fucking ZR1. Yeah. There's a replica of the Istanbul F1 track in Texas, and it's for sale. Holy shit. Isn't that crazy?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Guy's got an F1 track in his fucking yard. Isn't that nuts, man? That's nuts.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What's that blue shit? I think that's just fields. Oklahoma?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a jump, bro. So 2022 is 13,000. Who knows what 2023 and 2024 is? Oh, man. They're whacking people up there. That's pretty wild. Come on in. Come on in. Will you get a foot hurt? My leg hurts. I'm just sad. Get in here. Fuck life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
50-acre complex for sale. Click on it. How much? For a reasonable price, it says.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Two million bucks. Hang on. For real? Hang on. Hang on. This thing just got juicy. How far is that drive? Find out how far that drive is. Five hours. Hmm. How far is that flight? 20 minutes. There you go. Pretty quick. Let's go. Ship cars there once. Don't make me do this. Come on, dude. Well, I want to get a ranch. I've been talking about getting a ranch for a while.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But I want a different kind of ranch. No, you don't. You want that one. I want a survival ranch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's not survival ranch. It is. It's acres and acres, man. This is a small portion of it. I had Chris Harris on the other day. Yeah. I'd love that dude. Yeah, that dude can drive. If we had a track. Oh, there's an airport right next to it? Yep. If we had a track real close and we could take Chris Harris out, how much fun would that be?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He loves cars, man. When you're around someone who really loves cars, he loves all kinds of cars, too. He knows his shit. I like watching his videos. They're great. Yeah. Fun dude. He got bucked over on that whole Top Gear deal. He did? Yeah. I don't know anything about it. Top Gear's story, how it ended, is horrible. Ended due to an accident.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And he apparently had gone to the producer saying, we have to stop pushing this. Someone's going to get hurt or killed. And then someone got hurt real bad. But he's a real big guy, though. And he got fucked up from this, flipped over a three-wheeler. He got really fucked up but survived. And then they killed the show. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Mm-hmm. He also experienced a shit ton of online hate because he was replacing Jeremy Clarkson. So everybody fucking hated him. But meanwhile, he's like the best auto journalist there is. He's so funny. Such a good guy. And people are mad that he's not Jeremy Clarkson. Like, hey, Jeremy Clarkson is still on the air. You fucking idiots. Yeah. Go over to the Amazon. Get the Jeremy Clarkson.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, he's smiling and laughing. He's going to do more of his own stuff. Good. Yeah, we were talking about that. I was encouraging that. I was like, you really need to be doing your own thing. Like, you're so good at automotive journalists. You're so fun. People love watching you. You should be doing your own show online. You shouldn't be dealing with other people. There's no need for that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's great. I mean, what is this? Is this like, I mean, is it a kind of eugenics? Like, what is it? What is it? I mean, you could say it's being compassionate. And in some cases, like Michael Lair, you know, he went to Oregon. Yes. But Michael Lair, his body was failing so horribly. He couldn't talk anymore.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And also like the Top Gear. Top Gear is a great show and everything like that. But they all want to do like crazy stunts. Like they threw a car off the side of a bridge with a bungee cord attached to it. You're like, my. Why? Why? Why? Why?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And what we were saying was for television, that's what people like. But for the internet, like for YouTube, completely different audience. Then you get enthusiasts. So if you get the newest GT3 RS and Chris Harris is reviewing it, it'll have millions of views. Because you don't want to see a guy who can really fucking drive, who really loves cars and understands them, review the car.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
For the enthusiasts, not for the casual dorks who wants to see a car go off a dam on a bungee cord.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, he gives a lot of good criticism. Matt Farah does a great job with that, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And, you know, Singer is doing a turbo now. Yeah, they are. Oh, my God. There's a green one. He went to go to the factory, and they're showing it. The attention to detail is so fucking incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Damn. That's probably worth a lot of money. See if you can find the Singer Turbo video with Chris Harris, because I just want to see the green one. And it's like, it looks kind of like an old 911 Turbo. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Yeah, that's it. But it looks kind of like an old 911 Turbo, but then when you see the details of it, you're like, oh. They do an awesome job.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
This is way better than a regular. They're fucking gorgeous. Way better than a regular. See if you can find the video. Because the video is incredible, dude. No, that's the video of his original car. This is how I felt. Click that real quick. Because that was before Singer. He had this car made. Oh, no, this is Singer. Okay, this is a different one. How many years ago was this? Like a year ago.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay, this is the dynamics and lightweight study one. This is the crazy $3 million Singer. Oh, my God. This one's different. This one's not a turbo. This is their super lightweight, incredible car. This car is incredible. That's Chris driving, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, but it's immaculate. Immaculate. Singer turbos. I'll put in turbo. Singer, turbo, green. Go to videos. Click on videos. And go to recent. Okay, right there. Where it says more than 10 years? Click that. There you go. Bam. Okay, this is it. So look at that fucking thing. So this is the turbo.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So it looks kind of like a 911 turbo from whatever year that would be, like 1980 or whatever the fuck it was. But it's way more smooth and polished and refined. And when you see it parked and still, it's just amazing. Their attention to detail is just off the fucking charts, man. Yeah. Go back so you can see. So that's the car. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So they're just going over all the things that they massaged and changed on the car and all the details where you get a sense of what it looks like. Look at that thing. That is fucking rad. Cars don't get prettier. They just get different. They don't get prettier than that. They just get different. And then that dark, cool, metallic green, like look at that thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That they can make these... That's not a 964 chassis? They don't start with a 964? On the turbo? I don't know. I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Singer DLS turbo. Oh, boy. Yeah. So it starts as a 964, but this is a DLS turbo. That's a different one. That's a different one. Look how sick that thing looks. That is another level. That's the dynamic, lightweight, study Porsche turbo, which is bananas. That doesn't look anything like anything that's ever existed before.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No. No. Get away from me. There's like a line where I won't cross. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the line? That's the line. Oh, really? Yeah. That looks fucking amazing. Insane. You start getting into million-dollar cars. Like, what are we doing? That's okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's just... No, that's true. It's not a Bugatti. It's also a different kind of thing than a, look at my dick. You know, it's more of like, oh, you know cars.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you know what the fuck gets the wheel spinning. That's, yeah. That's... I just love that there's people like the Gunther Works guy. There's people out there making those things. So fucking cool. I just love that there's someone who just goes so hard. A roof? Yeah. They're not even really Porsches, right? I don't know. They can't even really call them a Porsche.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, and you're still alive. And at the end, it kept getting worse and worse, and it wasn't getting better, so he went to Oregon to do it. He actually went to Oregon once and then changed his mind and came back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But it looks exactly like a Porsche. Like, what is this? I definitely want to see what it's like. Like, go to a roof's website. R-U-F? When you see, like, the new one that they have, that crazy, it's water-cooled, right? But it looks like an air-cooled car, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Must be insane. Yeah. And there's these cars like that that are just, like, completely, look at that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's a 993 Turbo base. And so that's their Turbo R that they make. Look at that fucking thing. So this is the one... These are the ones that are weird. The ones that aren't... Like, scroll up. Scroll back up. Rough car... So, that one. So, CTR Anniversary. So that one, I don't think is a Porsche. Really? I don't think it starts off as a Porsche. I think it's all their shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And it just makes it look like... It looks exactly like a Porsche, but I don't believe it has... I think it's a new car... Yeah, see, Monocue completely developed by Ruff. Roof, rather. It's a type of aviation, CTR, reminiscent of the legendary Yellowbird. So the Yellowbird was a Porsche. There was a roof Yellowbird from, like, what was it, the 80s?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Remember that one, that Porsche one that was crazy? But this is not really a Porsche. This is a roof car that they make. That just looks... They're basically ripping off Porsche. Really? Yeah. I mean... What about the other ones are modified? Exactly. The other one, that one was a 993. That was like they take the base 993 and they juice it up. But this one, I think, is entirely developed by them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Wow. Yeah. It's supposed to be madness. Supposed to be total madness. Roof, holler at me, man. Completely redesigned. Yeah. Scroll up so I can see the image of the front.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, there's also something about the size of them, right? They're so small and compact that when you're in them, you feel like you're in a race car. Yeah. You're hunkered in there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know. I don't know what the rules are. But I know that some people are very upset about it because you're taking people that maybe you could talk to them off the ledge.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You got a pink Lambo with the HEB parking lot. It's crazy. Get out of here, bro. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Coming out with giant sunglasses on, looking for attention. To wrap around. He's just trying to get punched.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. That's ridiculous. There's so many people that see people like that, too, and they really want to smack them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They see you with that thing, and they're like, I just want to smack that guy, and it's fucking stupid.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Fuck off. Fuck you. Fuck you. You can't get in front of me, douchebag.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
addictive man i know things they're addictive you ever thought i'd like going to a flip phone oh ari style yeah wasn't that dana too dana had it in the beginning he had a flip phone early on but then it got to the point where you know he has to manage the social media of the ufc so he has to be able to look at things online and you know he's saying your praises we were with him in vegas uh talking about you fucking guy loves you man
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Maybe they could have got better. Maybe with some love and some friendship and some counseling and some therapy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I love him, too. He's great. If it wasn't for him, that sport would not be what it is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It was crazy because in the beginning, I didn't even want to do it. Because I had already worked for the UFC in the past from 97 to 98. I did post-fight interviews. I was like, I'm out. And then they bought it in 2001 and he was trying to talk me into working for them. I'm like, I don't want to work.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I was like, I don't want to do this. But I would ask him, hey, have you ever watched K-1? Do you guys watch Pride? Do you know about this guy? Have you ever seen Funaki fight? Have you seen Hicks and Gracie? He's even better than Hoyce. We started having these conversations, and he was like, how much of this shit do you watch? I was like, it's the only sport I know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't even know the rules to basketball. And they blow that whistle. I don't know what the fuck is going on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Maybe they'd be happy. Yeah. I've met, I've known quite a few people that have taken their own life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. But that's true. I mean, I do watch fights. But when I watch fights, I don't have to say, oh, this guy's got a great question mark. I know. I know what he does. I know what that guy does.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I've seen him fight 100 times. But it really is true that I don't have any clutter in there. Yeah, I believe it. I don't have any football in there. I don't know what's going on with football. What's offside? Why has he got a flag? What's a down? Why is it first down now? What is happening? Oh, that guy got hurt. That's all I know. Oh, that was a bad—oh, he ran with the ball pretty far.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to know. I don't care. I can still enjoy it. Sure. I have room for a couple things in my head, you know, like combat sports things, and I just smash them all together.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Where a sport that I don't participate that I can watch?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What are you guys doing? Cricket? Yeah, I'd be like, what is that? What the hell's happening? Really? Why you got that paddle? You'd be interested. I'll tell you what I really liked watching is soccer. We went to the Austin professional soccer games. Yeah, see a game, yeah. Soccer's legit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Here's one of the reasons why soccer's legit and why it's not going to become successful in America is because they don't take breaks. So there's no fucking commercial time. There's no time to shove Taco Bell down your face. They don't take any? No breaks. Really? Nope. Nope. It goes for a certain amount of time. I forget how long a soccer match is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I'm telling you, if you go to see it live, it's fucking... I've been to multiple games. Incredible, right? Yeah, it's unbelievable. And the arena they have here in Austin is amazing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Like a medically assisted? No, Michael's the only one that I know about that. But, you know, there's Brody. Yeah. Brody was a hard one. There's my friend Tony, who's a pool player up in San Francisco. He jumped off the bridge.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
If you go see it live, you'll get hooked. I'll tell you that. Yeah, the MLS games are. I bet tennis is like that, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Which is crazy that there's a spot where everybody goes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
My favorite place to see fights is in the Apex Center because the UFC Apex Center has no audience. Yeah, it's so small. It's incredible. And during COVID, that was the best thing about COVID for me. How about the Sphere thing? It's going to be nuts. That's this weekend. I know. Yeah, I'm pretty pumped. I don't know what they're going to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I don't know if they're going to show the fights on the ceiling. So you know how they have video monitors in the studio where you always see – the video monitors are showing you the fights of the people that – Well, he told us what they're doing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's what I'm thinking. I'm wondering if you can see the fights take place on the ceiling. Jesus. Which would be an advantage. You see a show there already? In certain positions. No, I have not. Have you? No, I heard it's just.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They should. Yeah. They should mock you. He doesn't just cry. He likes to take photos of him crying and then post it on Instagram. I'm so sad. My daughter went to college. Look. Is this one good? How many did he take before he picked that one?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How's he doing these days? He benders, he goes off, he goes on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's even worse. That's where all the frosting is. What are you talking about? He's a lunatic. Oh, my God. He's still alive. Mm-hmm. I wonder how long he can do that for.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You know, for some people, they don't think it's ever going to get better. I know. And if you don't have support around you, you don't have someone that you can... That can pick you up. And it's crazy how someone can pick you up. It's crazy how you could be just feeling like total, complete shit. And someone who cares about you can come over your house, take you out, have some laughs. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Three weeks later, I see him waddle through the fucking green room at the mothership. I'm like, what the fuck, dude? The fuck are you doing?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You got someone organizing this for you or you're just doing it yourself?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Also, you get used to feeling like shit. Yeah, you do. That's what Duncan's, you know, Duncan had diabetes. Yeah. He got type 2 diabetes from, I think it's from vaping. Sugar, for sure, but also vaping. And the reason why I say this is one of the things he found out, he was getting his blood sugar checked, and it was spiking. And he's like, I don't even understand. I'm not drinking any soda.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And you're like, I think I feel better. Yeah. Yeah. We feel better around people. Some people are super isolated, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I'm not eating any sugar. And then he realized that it spikes after he vapes. Wow. Because he was monitoring it. And then you realize, oh, my God, there's a reason why this stuff is sweet. There's fucking sugar in the vapes. That makes sense. I've tried them. And you're like, of course, really sweet. It's watermelon. How else can you get a watermelon flavor?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How else are you going to get a peach flavored vape unless you have some sugar in there?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How are you getting fucking apple flavored vapes? Yeah, of course. There's sugar in there. There's sugar. And so the sugar was spiking his blood pressure. That's insane.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, he got off of it and got on the Zins. And, you know, it's just you don't realize that you're poisoning yourself until you stop poisoning yourself. And you eat really healthy. And he was like, dude, I don't need naps anymore. I have energy all day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that's one of the things that's very interesting about Robert F. Kennedy Jr. being connected to Trump in this election. Really? Yeah, because if Trump winds up winning, they're going to expose our food systems. Robert Kennedy, one of the things that he really wants to do is he wants to expose a bunch of problems we have in our food system. One is glyphosate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Glyphosate, which is used, it's an herbicide. It's used all over the fucking place. It's in a lot of food. Most people they test, there's some incredibly high number of people test positive for glyphosate in their blood. Really? Yeah. Because you're getting it from organic vegetables even. Like some vegetables. I shouldn't say organic. But you're getting it from...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There's some stuff that they just spray it on. I think the most glyphosate, I think it might be corn. What things contain the most glyphosate? Let's Google that. I think it's corn, rice, and different vegetables and fruits.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Our Froot Loops are illegal in Canada. Are they really? Yeah. Because we use dye. There's all these red dyes and shit in our Froot Loops. They have the same Froot Loops in Canada. They're like, no, no, no. You can't put that stuff in there. So they have to sell different Froot Loops to Canada than they do to America. Some of the most common foods with glyphosate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, non-organic cereals and grains harvested with glyphosate. These include wheat, barley, buckwheat, millet, rice, oats, wild rice, popcorn, and sorghum. Wild rice. So you think wild rice. Oh, I'm getting wild rice. It must be healthy. Yeah. Or popcorn seeds.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But a lot of people think that part of the thing that's going on with people, they say they're gluten intolerant, that what's actually, it's not gluten that's fucking with them, it's glyphosate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yep, Monsanto. Yeah, so that's Roundup and so there's that and then there's seed oils fucking terrible for you and they're in everything and they're in everything because they're cheap and it used to be industrial lubricant and they figured out a way to make it
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
somehow or another turn into food it's so fucking sad that we have like also that most people myself included it might even talk about other like you just don't have the knowledge of the like you'd have to right you have to inquire and really be curious about this and you got to dig for a long time if you talk to your doctors a lot of time doctors don't know jack shit most doctors spend a shockingly small amount of time in medical school studying nutrition yeah
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Most doctors, they'll tell you, you just need a healthy diet. I'm like, look at you, doc. Look at you, doc.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He was wildly overweight. Some people just can't control themselves. They don't have a history of controlling themselves, and so they just don't. They just eat. Bro, I remember Ralphie Mae. One time, we all left the comedy store, and we went to a bar. It was Stan Hope, me, and a couple other comics, and Ralphie. I think it was Joey, and Ralphie was going to meet us there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There was this bar that Stan Hope used to like in Hollywood. Back in the day, before Hollywood was a zombie movie. And so Ralphie...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
doesn't show up we're waiting for him like where the fuck is ralphie we're waiting for everybody outside we're gonna all go in together and get a table yeah and we're sitting outside and no ralphie for a long ass time and then all of a sudden like an hour later ralphie shows up and ralphie's back seat was just filled with rappers
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So this poor guy was so addicted that he couldn't get in his car and drive from the comedy store to this bar, which was like two miles away. He had to stop at a Jack in the Box. And tear it up. And this was at a time where he got his stomach stapled, so he couldn't eat any meat. So he wasn't eating meat, so he's eating jalapeno poppers from Jack in the Box. Just stacks of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, he was really sick. He was sick. He ate through his stomach stapling twice. I got to piss real bad. Oh, let's piss. Okay, let's piss. Let's pee. Let's pee together. And we're back. Great pee.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, there's also this internet culture too, right? So there's people that don't have actual physical contact with anyone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
When you have to pee and you can't concentrate, it's so hard to talk. I was just like, your eye starts to flutter. Yeah. It makes me think about those debates. Like what if someone has to pee in the debate? You got to dial your water in just right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're streaming all day and chatting all day on Instagram and jerking off and it's madness.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
If you think you're going to go on stage for an hour and you have to take a shit. Oh my God.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How much time does he have left? He has three minutes left.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I did it once where I ran offstage, and I, you know, the mothership, the way I got to go all the way up. I had to go all the way upstairs and just piss so hard.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. No, no, no, I didn't. It was like I finished my set. Oh, when you finished, yeah. But, like, halfway through my set, I was like, God damn it, I had to pee. But someone was in the bathroom, like, right before I went, and I was like, fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And in a cup. I've done that too. How many times has Ari peed right there? He pisses in fucking kombucha bottles. God. Everything. No. Fucking disgusting. He's gross. He's so gross. He wants you to know he's peeing in the room. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I know. We're getting close to October. Are we going to do something this year? Dude, I'm shooting the whole month here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, it's easy for me. I haven't had a drink since I had a couple glasses. I had a margarita and like a mule Saturday night. So that was it. That was the last time I had a drink.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I was at dinner with the missus. But I haven't had anything to drink since then, which is normal. I can go a week, two weeks. It's not that big a deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
When he told me he could, I really believed for a second he could.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. I really believe that he could do the splits. Yeah. But he couldn't even come close. It wasn't even in the neighborhood where you did a split once in your life and you got to get it back. You know, like maybe. Yeah. Maybe you did it when you were in high school and you can kind of get back there. Yeah. Now, do you still do them all the time? All the time. Okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Especially lately because I've been dealing with like some real stiff back problems because when I shoot a lot of archery, I get real stiff in my right side of my lower back and my neck because my bow is 80 pounds to pull back. So I'm pulling back 80 pounds like 150 times a day. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Everything's tight. So it really helps the stretching. Massage helps a lot, but man, stretching helps so much.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I didn't realize it's not real. Right, right. You live in this make-believe place and you're not having any of the normal human contact that we thrive on. Right. All your contact is like this weird, like, displaced, not connected. It's all weird. Mm-hmm. Which is like if you go to someone's Twitter profile and you see that they're online 12 hours a day just fucking barking at people. I know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's fucking gigantic. Everyone should stretch. And especially for anyone that has stiffness in their lower back. A lot of that stuff, you'd be amazed at how stretching your hamstrings alleviates a lot of stress on your lower back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do a lot of hamstring exercises too, though. I do a lot of Nordic curls. I do those. Those are the shit, man. Once I started getting into those, you know, the knee or toes guy stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you lay flat and you pull yourself up with your hamstrings. It's fucking hard. Really? Yeah, it's hard. Yeah. I do that for sets of six, like six reps, pulling yourself up. The first time I did it, I couldn't do one. I was like, this is crazy. Really? Yeah, because I have strong fucking legs. Like, how can I not do this? This is nuts. I couldn't believe I couldn't do it. I was shocked.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So I really started concentrating on it. Now, I do sets of six, but I think I could probably do nine. If I guessed, I think I could do nine. It's that challenging, though. It's fucking hard, dude. It's fucking hard. I don't think I've ever tried it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Okay. We'll do it out here. I have one right out in the middle of the lobby. Really? Yeah. I have an extra one if you need one. Oh, okay, cool. Thanks, man. Yeah. I have a bunch of them. I've gotten, there's the Tib Bar guy made me a cool one. And there's a few other ones. What's his other guy, Mr. Infinity, he made one that's really good. There's a lot of ones that are adjustable.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They do a bunch of different things as well as just do the Nordic curls. Like some of them you can do reverse hypers on and a bunch of other lower back exercises. But it's a great one for stabilizing your knee. Really good exercise for – because there's nothing else like it that's like you're pulling your whole – like that's it right there. That's what it looks like when you're doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that looks challenging. It's fucking hard, man. Yeah, it looks like it. But the reason why I really like the Tib Bar Guy one and the Mr. Infinity one is that you can change the angle of it. So instead of starting flat, like the Rogue one that we have outside, you start completely flat. And in the beginning, I had to help myself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What I would do is I'd put two fingers down and give myself a little push with the fingers and then complete the reps with my hamstring and then try to lower myself as much as I could and then catch it. Slowly, yeah. But now I've got to the point where I just go all the way down slow and all the way up no problem. That's cool. And I could do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But it took a while to build it up, and I was kind of surprised because I thought it was going to be one of those things like a pistol squat. It looks hard, but I have strong legs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But I was like, this is fucking impossible. Wow. I'd love to. But you think about that kind of a pull. That's it right there. Who is this one? Tidbar. Tidbar, guys. This one's a really good one, man. So you could use it to do back extensions. You could use it to do reverse hypers. Really top-notch stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And the angle change is huge because you can start it off, give yourself a little bit of an angle so you're already like halfway through the rep and it's much easier and then lower it a little bit and then eventually you get to flat over time. I'd like to try it. Especially for rehabbing that bad knee, the injured knee. It's really good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Anything, I do leg curls, too, with those, you ever use those monkey feet things? Yeah, yeah. That thing's fucking great. And then they have a new one, the Monkey Feet Pro. I haven't seen that. But they have the plates already built into it, and so you can slide a pin out, you know, like those. Yeah. Like dumbbells that do that? Yeah, sure.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, so it's built in and it's flat at the bottom instead of like having a dumbbell that you have to attach to it. That sounds cool. Yeah, that's the new one, the Monkey V Pro. That's fucking huge. But all those different things to stabilize all those muscles and to do knee raises and fucking phenomenal stuff, man. Yeah, that seems awesome.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So if we do Sober October, do you think we should have some sort of a challenge this year or should we? I can't.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Like a dog. And it's giving them some charge. Yeah. It's like an annoying dog next door. And they're just baiting people all day. Speaking of baiting, did you watch the debate? Yeah. I forgot. Let me tell you. Before I say anything, I just want to say, whoever's helping her, whoever's coaching her, whoever's the puppet master running the strings.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Can I stop you right there? Yeah. Did Bert ever have a real hard problem with you stabbing him to death?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Because I was like, if my friend did a video where he stabbed me to death, I might be like... How does he really feel about me? Like, what the fuck is going on? He just stabbed me to death on a video.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You did a fucking amazing job. She did a great job. They did an amazing job from the moment Biden drops out, forcing Biden to drop out. Whatever they're doing, whoever's writing those speeches, getting her to deliver them, coaching her. She's nailing it. She nailed that one speech. She's like, say it to my face. She nailed it, dude. And then last night.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And when are you planning? When is that going to get out on Netflix?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
To me, when I was like, oh my God, this is jujitsu, where she was like, if you go to his rallies, his crowds are boring. They're tired. They're all leaving early. My crowds are the best crowds. I have the number one crowd. He couldn't help himself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
There's something about having a goal to like a thing that you're working towards. It just changes your mindset. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. When I was getting ready to do my live special, knowing that there was a date that this had to be done, and then it was only on one night. So it was like this super hyper focus of getting ready for something like that. And when I did it, I was like, after it was over, I was like, I want to do that again.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. At first I was like, I'm going to do this one time and I'm never going to fucking do this again because this is a ridiculous idea to be able to do something live to millions of people on Netflix. But you enjoyed the experience. I liked it. But you liked the heightened pressure. I like it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think everybody should do it. Yeah. Everybody's good. You do good shows. You do great sets for headlining sets. Just get it dialed in to where you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And let's fucking go. And just bust that motherfucker out for the whole world. And you don't have to do editing. Okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I watched it. Well, that's got to be, you can't have anybody giving you advice. No. I don't agree. I think if a comic is going to put out a special, it should be that comic special and what that comic thinks should be on that special and that's it. I don't want no... I remember Robbie and Bill Burr were arguing in the parking lot of the comedy store. And Robbie was drunk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And Bill Burr was like, hey, I'm not going to fucking argue with you about what my fucking act is while you're drunk at the comedy store. And it was just like...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
100%. See, the difference in that debate was not a difference in who's going to have better policies, who's going to be better for the country. The difference in the debate, in my opinion, was who was better prepared.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
incredible moment I'm like yeah that's how it's supposed to be you're not supposed to have someone tell you yeah what the fuck you're gonna put in your act sure like do you know how to do comedy no you don't do comedy right shut the fuck up you shut the fuck up this is crazy this is a crazy conversation yeah it's I mean But everybody wants to get in there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's the problem with, like, if you were doing your show. That's the problem with doing anything. Like, imagine if you did your mom's house and you had a bunch of people you were working for.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Especially your mom's house live. Oh, my God. Well, yeah, that wouldn't work. I was at Fear Factor for six years, and I fucking gagged so hard watching that show. I had to turn away three or four times.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But could you imagine if like you decided that like doing your mom's house was too difficult, so you're going to bring in some Hollywood executives to help you?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
She was way better prepared. And even when it came to answering tough questions, instead of answering, she would just say things that she believes. Yeah, sure. And they sounded real good. And that's the soundbite. That's called being a savvy politician. It's also called being someone who's working with a team versus someone who's like – They said, Trump, that deal was the best deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Some actual Hollywood producers that do like keeping up with the Kardashians or something and they're gonna they're gonna help you produce your mom's house I mean I had the fucking And that's so far-fetched that like, you know, it's like it would be such a fucking shit show.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It would be terrible It would be terrible, but isn't it interesting that it's so popular Yeah, that like but people once it becomes popular then they would want to get in on it And here's how we can make it better. Yeah, tighten it up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can't even take – I don't even – when someone asks me to put someone on, even if I would want to put that person on, no, I don't want to put them on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I don't – I don't want to get into that. I only want to have people on the show that I want to have on the show, and that's it. That's the only way I've ever done it. That's the only way I want to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
That's it. That's what I want to do. That's the beautiful thing about what we're doing and the beautiful thing about today. There's never been a time like that where something can reach fucking millions and millions of people. And it's just, I want to talk to that guy. Yeah. Like, this guy doesn't think the moon landing's real. Come on in. Come in here. Let's talk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
You had that fucking hummus cannon guy on. That nutty dude. That dude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Is that guy for real? Like, what do you think is going on?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah. What's funny about that is that that used to be how warriors lived.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
How many guys are sucking his dick because of those videos?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But that's the thing. Like if someone gets enough followers, there's going to be – out of every 1,000 people, there's a guy that you can talk into being in a cult.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They've never seen a deal like this before. They said, how did you put that deal together? People thought that was just brilliant. Yeah, I know. He's not working with a team that's like, I mean, I know he's doing mock debates.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But meanwhile, being delusional can get you pretty fucking far.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So he is cooking food. What's the food on the left, right there?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Jamie, I'm going to send you a guy that I'm addicted to. I'm addicted to this dude. It's a BS dining experience. And all this dude does is deep fry food. That's it? But it just does it with enthusiasm outdoors. Give me some volume. Go down and get the chicken, not the snake. The snake's disgusting. Go down and get some of that chicken. What's this?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
What? Yeah, he baptizes it in the grease. Everything gets baptized. That's a lot of chicken, bro. Oh, yeah. He's cooking for, like, parties. Watch this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I know he did one with, I think he did one with Tulsi Gabbard, but someone needs to tell him, you've got these tiny little windows and you should have all the words ready for those windows. There should be no repeating things.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Can you imagine how good that is, dude? Oh, my God. I get so hungry. And watch when he puts it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Look at that. Look at that. Oh, my God. And he does this with everything. He does it with fish. Go back to his page. To his actual page so you can see all the different... Yeah. So he's got all kinds of shit. Look, he's doing crabs and fish. Look at this. It's all deep fried. Terrible for you. Looks amazing. He's got waffles and everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Fried chicken at Roscoe's with waffles, with butter and syrup. And you get a little piece of the chicken, a little piece of the waffle. Sensational.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's juicy. That's why that guy's stuff looks so good. Oh, my God. Juicy, like a juicy fried chicken.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I got Colonel Sanders the other day. Yeah? Not the other day, about seven months ago. I was just driving. I was hungry. I was like, chicken's probably pretty safe. Let me pull in and get some fried chicken. It just tasted like poison. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what's in this? What kind of oil are you guys using? When was the last time you cleaned the oil? At KFC?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
A random KFC in the middle of nowhere. So I've had some KFC that's really good. There used to be a KFC in Woodland Hills. Every now and then I wanted to cheat. I'd go in there and get some KFC. Fucking bucket of chicken. Let's go. Fried chicken. It's so good. Yeah. So good with hot sauce on it. Oh, baby.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think it is because my daughter has it. I have one daughter that does.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I think I've trained up to it too. Yeah. But one daughter is like. One daughter just can take anything. And she's fine. Yeah. She loves it. She's like really hot stuff. Like I brought her some of that Senor Lechuga. I have a partnership with Senor Lechuga. We make some crazy hot sauce. There's like Reapers in it. Yeah. It's potent. She's no problem. So that is kind of. It has to be genetic. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I can get down. He's the best. I love Sean Evans. He's great. I just don't want to answer questions while I'm eating hot sauce. It just doesn't make any sense. But I can get down with some ferocious shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No, I think there's some genetic and then there's some buildup to it. But I like it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I like woof. Really? I like woof. And you don't feel like it? I start sweating. My daughter makes fun of me because I'm literally pouring down my face. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Look at your head.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. I put Senor Lechuga on my eggs this morning. I had eggs with elk sausage for breakfast. Babe, you want some elk sausage? I got some. Yes. I'll hook you up. Really? Yeah, I'm going to leave you. I'll give you a bunch. Okay. I got a commercial freezer back there. Okay. I'll definitely take some. Oh, elk sausage is so good, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
I like it. I do it on a Traeger, too. I do it on the pellet grill. That's good, too. You get it to a certain temperature. I like that, too. I do it real slow. I do it like 225 degrees and get it up to like 134 internal and then pull it. But as long as you don't overcook it because they do add like a little bit of pork fat when they make it for me because I get it prepared at like a butcher shop.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
But you're dealing with a much leaner meat. So you can dry it out. Yeah, you can dry it out. There's like a fine line. You want it like right where medium rare is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Oh, pellet grills are great. That's great. Yeah, and they're so easy. I got the newest Traeger. I had the old one, but the newest one is so much better. It's incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it just makes everything smokier. The effect is better. The flavor is better. It's easier to use. It's got two different probes for temperature. It alerts you on your app. You can lower and raise the temperature on the app. I know. I went out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you see the temperature of the food. You can see the temperature of the grill. And you can say, you know what? It's getting a little close. Let me drop that bitch down to 180. Yeah. And bang. It's incredible. Yeah. Incredible technology. Well, it's just so easy to use. I still like an offset smoker too, though. I have a real offset smoker that I got. That is better.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
The thing about the real offset smoker, it's much more of a pain in the ass, but- There's certain sugars that you get from the wood, the wood itself, like a real piece of mesquite, a real piece of post oak. And you set a little fire underneath there with little sticks and you get it built up and then you dial it in with the dampers. It's like a thing. It's like a lot of work.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Grillworks. Go to Grillworks. I want one of those. This dude, Grillworks Ben, he hooked me up and I had one installed at my house. But it's the same thing. Cranking up. That is great for steaks. Yeah. Just like watching that video. Oh, yeah. Because it's the same thing. You're just using hardwood. So you just got hardwood cooking. You get those flames rising up. Look at that. There's a place.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, exactly. Well, that's the place in Vegas. This is it. Bizarre Meats, Jose Andres' place. That's what they use. I want one of these. I'll get you. I'll hook you up. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll have that guy make you one. Fuck yes, dude. You'll love it. They're the shit. They're the shit. For a steak, that's nothing better. It's incredible. Open fire.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And they have a bunch of different ones. They can either do a custom build or they can just have one like that that's already made. They roll it into your backyard. Yeah. Fucking incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And if you dial it in right, if you use meat probes and you slowly cook it and then sear it at the end. Nothing better. It has that flavor. Like that place, Bizarre Meats in Vegas. Shout out to Jose, man. Shout out to Jose.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
It's horrible, man. Didn't they kill like six people? A bunch of people died. Yeah, who were just trying to feed refugees. It fucking sucks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
The invasion of Ukraine. They were setting up outside the border. People need to eat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
They're not even publicizing it. He's just doing it and then people write stories about the fact that he's doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
He's genuine. He's like, there's genuine people that are really filled with like real philanthropy, like really want to help people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
And his food is insane. Oh, my God. That Bizarre Meats in Vegas is like so underrated.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Tommy Bunz, you're the fucking man. Thanks for doing this, brother. Yeah, of course. Thanks for having me. So when your show comes out, come back and do it again. I would love to. Thank you so much. My pleasure. All right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Well, that's her panic. Fucking calm down. It's a move that, like, comics will do when their material's not that good. They laugh at it. They laugh through it. Exactly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Good call. Good call. All right. Open up Google. High school baseball. Come on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Yeah, humidors and high school baseball. Nope. Mostly shit I already look at. Phones. Cars. Halle Berry. Boxers. Michael Jordan. Nope. Not yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe eventually. I'll send you. Right now it seems like all the same stuff that we always talk about. Yeah. Yeah. I will definitely. Science. Black Hole. Stephen Colbert.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
No. See, people want to say she's dumb because she's not good off the cuff when pressure's on her. But you don't understand what that kind of pressure's like. Like, the kind of pressure that that lady has been under for the last—let's just think about the pressure she's been under for the last four years is being vice president. Mm-hmm. Everybody hates her. A lot of gaffes, a lot of dumb things.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
So every time she's saying something, in the back of her head, she's like, don't fuck this up. They're going to come for you. They're going to use this against you. Don't say, did you just fall out of a coconut tree? Don't say that one again. You know what I mean? So there's that kind of pressure. So it's very hard off the cuff. But when you give her time and prepare her, like last night...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2202 - Tom Segura
it's a good showing for her for sure very very good showing and unfortunately for him like the thing that he does that it's just like he can do it better than anybody alive is just riff he can go out there and have a crowd of people and just and he's funny man he does things about like he did an Elon impression the other day it was hilarious he's very funny he's killing people he kills like a comedian who don't like the guy still will have to acknowledge that he's funny he's funny he's funny like a comic yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Next week on Friday, April 4th, I'll be in Oklahoma City at the Paycom Center. Go get your tickets at tomscrow.com slash tour. Welcome to another episode. This is a really exciting day. It is. I'm pumped about this one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You hang out with, and you're in a male dominated business. That's correct. You're always around like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The funny thing is, these guys who talk like this, They think that the most successful guys that are like way more successful than them are doing this. Fuck you, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like in their mind, that's what a really powerful guy is like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, from Wall Street.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's so funny because your bullshit meter just, I mean, for me personally, just fires up so high. You watch a guy like this and you're like, Huh? What is this? What are you doing? No. Why are you posturing like this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And if you've got time. We're going to make fucking money, motherfucker. Huh?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There's a good chance this plane isn't flying, by the way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This could be a TV set plane, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Prove it. How come when I'm flying, how come I don't see a big curve?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, the giveaway is usually the audio, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And I could be flying. I could be flying, yeah. He also was probably like, all right, we've got to split this 15 ways. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Each of you can give me up for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
One, two, three, four, five. They wouldn't allow this many. Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. Yeah, there's at least... 12, the flight attendant, 13, 14, 15. Yeah, it's a lot of people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You can't. It's max capacity, right? He was like, you guys can come, but no luggage. All right? Just fucking put everything in your pockets that day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No. These guys are basically sitting on each other's laps, literally.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't know any fucking gay shit, but you can fucking sit over here if you want. Yeah. This is insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Tanner, you want to go to Andy Elliott Business School?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And you go and you're like, look, I got some of my testosterone up by going to a men's retreat. And he'll be like, what? And you just be like, now I want to sell more stuff. He's like, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The t-shirt's insane.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm sitting up there and I'm like, oh, where's the big curve? It's because it's not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There's a phone call out there where a guy is calling Andy's school. Like the... And the guy's like, all right, if you want to do this program, it's like 20 grand. And he's like, what do you get for that? He's like, you know, you get one-on-one time. You get to like bro him up, like bro hug him. And he's like, what? Yeah, you know, like bro dap him up and like give him a hug and shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, he's like, oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. It's insane. Wild. It's like, and I, and then, oh, and then it's a prank. So the guy calling is like, oh shit, I just found out like my grandmother died. And he's like, oh fuck. The guy's like, you still got that credit card info? He's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
yeah yeah yeah and then he leaves off one number and the guy's like hey hold on I need to get it's really Tanner where is the school we gotta send him are you ready to learn how to be a fucking baller are you ready for that Tanner
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You can definitely do.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Can you imagine, like, can you even wrap your head around how masculine you'll come back?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Please find out what are the different tiers. Pricing. Yeah, pricing. And I think we should start you at the very bottom. And then we'll see how your income is affected. And if you're actually doing... And I think the thing that they probably get you to do is find out if you're good at selling that program to somebody else. It's a pyramid scheme. Yeah, they're like, so you're good at this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Sell it to someone else.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, yeah, we could do a lesbian school. Why don't we do that? Rich lesbians.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's all the way flat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That'd be awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, not at all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I want to be a fucking badass motherfucker who doesn't take a shit. That's how Tanner will come back. What's up, motherfuckers?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Check out this wad of cash in my fucking pocket right now. Yeah. So cool. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There you go. Stupid. Do your own research.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Research what's involved. I really want to send you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Praise me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, from Ways to Well.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What the fuck does that even mean? Personal research. Hitler was pretty chill. He was a cool guy. Yeah. I'd like to fish with him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Well, that's really nice. Thank you. That's nice. I love that guy. He's really, really great. He's great. That company, what they do, he's like a really positive, well-intentioned guy. He's seen the inside, the dark side of health care. And he's just a natural trying to help people guy. He really is just like, what's going on and how can I help? And I see them like that with everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like, let me help this person out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's like, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's like, what the fuck? Protein intake is bullshit. Fucking T levels. What are you, a chick? Fucking step it up. Yeah, he's like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Give me some money, and I'll fucking get your dick to grow. Cool, man. Yeah. No, he's great. He's great. That whole team is great. Oh, yeah. The whole Race to Well team, they're fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, it is an appropriate topic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
We've had obviously clips of them in the past. Famously, she's this Boston-born girl who spent time in Spain and then kind of adopted that difficulty with English sometimes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Which is the opposite of everyone on earth. Because what happens to most people is you are, if you're... Speaking any language and you actually get emotional, you revert to your mother tongue. Oh, that's right. Because it's what comes out of you is like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But it's very strange to be emotional. Right. And gravitate towards your second language.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. It's coming in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, sure. Maybe she is a Hispanic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I know. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Gymshark or Mattel, sure you think about a great product, a cool brand, and brilliant marketing, but an often overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling and for shoppers buying simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet and the not-so-secret secret with ShopPay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts are going abandoned and way more sales going hacking.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
so if you're into growing your business your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web in your store in the feed and everywhere in between businesses that sell more sell on shopify upgrade your business and get the same checkout Gymshark or Mattel uses.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash momshouse, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash momshouse to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash momshouse. I know. What do you mean by, what do you mean, you people? You know what I fucking mean. Here, here she is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I think I'll be, what, I'll be out a week and a couple days. Yeah. I'll be okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's also how a father talks to his daughter. A hundred thousand percent. Sweetie. Slow down a kiss. You know, when you get like this, I can't even understand you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's fantastic. It's God-given. You can't train for that voice. It's fantastic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's so talented. He really is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
How is it not an option for our phones? Is it an option? Alec Baldwin?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Hey, you have a text, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I think it's got to be.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Send him a check. Let him do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is, yeah, it's hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
How did it feel? It's perv four. It's perv four.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, and all the kids are like Rocco and Juan Miguel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, really good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, well, she learned in Spain and she speaks like a Spaniard. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, no. I mean, no, it's just Castilian, Castellano. But yeah, she speaks like a native Spanish speaker. She speaks really good Spanish.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I do think that her family, really, Spain became their adopted second home. So they're very immersed in it, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And they spent a lot of time there. And she just loved it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That was a weird thing. Well, yeah, because her name's Hillary. It's weird for an adult to go, you know. It'd be like if I'm like, my name is Tomasso.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, it feels very smooth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They're not going to if you're not famous. But if you fucking are with a famous person, they're going to figure it out. They're going to figure you out. Yeah, she could have sold that bullshit if she was just married to... Alec the fucking plumber, everyone would be like, oh, your wife's from Spain? And they would probably just be like, yeah, no one would care.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
She is of English, French, Canadian, German, Irish, and Slavic descent. She was born and raised in Boston.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Her agency's website listed her birthplace as Mallorca, which is hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, that's definitely not true. She has also offered mistaken statements that she was half Spanish. Yeah, she's not Spanish by ethnicity at all. She really wants to be.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Well, I think there's this thing of like people just... If you have a certain genetic or ethnic background, there's things that people just go, that's sexier, right? So true. Being French, being Italian, being Spanish, being Portuguese. Those are like the love places and they're sexier. The languages are cool. People are always like, oh, say that again. So true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
So there's just this thing if you're like, I'm a Boston chick with German, whatever, Slovak descent, you're just like, I'm a Spaniard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I had the same thing too where it was like I had a Latin mother, but it's not the cool country. Everyone was like, Peru? Does your mom have a basket on her head? And you're like, yeah. You're half a llama. Yeah, it's not a cool one. Fucking llama dick.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Just, I mean, so everyone, when I was a kid, Columbia was cool because it was violent. So that would have been, for a boy, that would have been like, yeah, you know, Columbia and there's fucking Escobars down there and everyone would have been like, oh, that's fucking cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. That's nice. Venezuela was kind of cool. Venezuela always had multiple women in Miss Universe, so it was like a sexy place. You know what I mean? Attractive people. The Argentines were always the aloof, kind of arrogant ones.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No. My favorite thing that I saw from the live show and me being in that makeup for Robert Smith was somebody being like, this is the Illuminati got to him. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, they're the white Latins. And so I was always like, that's pretty fucking cool. And then... Yeah. I don't know. It's kind of like, you know, those were the ones that, cause I was also very into South America. I wasn't like really into, you know, I don't have any, I didn't have a reference for Central America and the Caribbean. I was always like, that's like fucking Alabama, you know? So.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, you're a real outlier out there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm not a filthy Ruski.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Get that shit out of your head, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Let's take a quick break. Look how small my hands are. So petite. She's just a little thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
We'll be right back. And we are back with a tech entrepreneur, venture capitalist, biohacker known for his attempt at reversing aging. He's the founder of Blueprint, a health optimization company where he's both the creator and test subject. He's going to try to live to 380 years old. It's Brian Johnson, everybody. Let him hear it.
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Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You're here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, the documentary on Netflix called Don't Die. It's really well done. It's really well done. And we have cameos in it. Yeah, you do. You play a big role in it, actually. You think so? Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, because you had me wearing makeup. They're like, this is exactly what Cat Williams was talking about. Satanic?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I sold my soul for that. For the Robert Smith.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
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Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's very true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
She bought it? She bought it. Oh my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And you're like, that's not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Feeling good. Get that timer going, please.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It was 25 grand. For the one injection? Yeah. And is it something that, like they mentioned, it's a kind of fascinating aspect of it that this could alter someone's DNA, but at least in the documentary, they say that it's kind of revocable with the way they do it. Yeah, exactly. So is your level now permanently higher? It was just a spike in that level.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Alfalfa.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I got some, I got some pretty cool stuff to show you. Okay. So let's get into this. Okay. Here we go.
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Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And it feels like you're... I feel like every month there's another possibility of something that you're discovering. Yeah. So are you into some new wild shit right now? Yeah, we're doing...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No way that's 100%.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, he has like huge retreats.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Will Blunderfield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's consuming his urine and sperm. Well, he's saying that there's a little bit of that that's coming into it. It's mostly about the urine. He's a big urine drinker. Yeah, like a uratini, like a urine and spermatini. Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's 67. Look at him. But he is a healthy guy. He's a healthy guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What's the point of that? What does that tell you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And you're seeing a change in your, like your sperm count or just like in the... The health of the sperm?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What about your beanbag? Those sperm are pretty young, too. Yeah, it's talking about motility. Well, speaking of sperm, your son is in the movie. Talmadge? Yeah, that's right. Is that a Mormon name?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Okay. Really lovely kid. Sweet Talmadge. I think everybody who watched that doc really enjoyed seeing him in it, seeing your guy's relationship. And then it's clear that he's... I mean, it appears to be like kind of following in your footsteps. So he might be like our, I mean, we'll be long gone, but he might be fucking 160 or so. Tom, don't give up easily.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You seem, I mean, again, it's a documentary, but you guys seem to have a really cool bond.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
We are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But not daily. You're not daily into like BPC-157 and you don't do like the blue, what's it called? Methylene blue.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Hey, I'm a big fan of that. Cool. Have you taken it? Yeah. And what's been your experience? A cognitive boost that you literally feel like... I kind of call... You know how like sometimes, I mean, the way your body functions, I don't know if any of this is even relatable, but like sometimes you wake up and you get your day started and you have kind of like a fog.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And for me, if I go right to workout, the workout knocks the fog off. I feel like this methylene blue does it even without that. What's your dosage? Uh, I get, I get it in pill form and I take two in the morning. I have to, I don't know what the milligrams or whatever are in it, but I'll, I'll look it up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Josh, yeah, he... What's he doing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm a huge fan of it. The other one that I just got on is a sleep peptide that it goes after. What is the gland? Pineal gland.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Game changer. Really? Game changer. In what way? Well, I haven't been monitoring it, but my friend who was monitoring it, his sleep was like, I'm getting two and a half hours more REM sleep, which is a substantial boost. And what I feel is that, A, I'm definitely sleeping better And in a practical term, I can tell you things like if I get up to pee or I just go, I go right back to bed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
If the kids, you know, our kids are young, if they come in the room, I either don't hear it. Like I don't, I don't pop up anymore. Or if I do, it's like immediately back to sleep. So that's how I can like describe the difference versus before taking it. And I've been on it for like three weeks now. And like, I don't ever want to not have it. Interesting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I wonder, because you're so in tune with how things affect you, if this peptide would be a real game changer for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I want to go back to what Christina said first, which was about your diet. There's so many recommended ways to eat now, and everybody has to juggle. Why is vegan right for you? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Where's your olive oil? Like where's the, where's the, where's the olives? Are you US, Europe based? Everywhere. So we do a collection of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's actually. It's awesome. It's notably different. Yeah. Eating these hydroponic vegetables.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is a new lane that's really blown up in my algorithm, which is the, it's always a guy who's like a business coach. He's like really into, like you got to follow what I do. And they're almost always the same. They're usually like pretty jacked on a lot of TRT. They usually have a pretty red hue to their skin. Their vocabulary, even in business stuff, includes a lot of cursing. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's also not as involved as it sounds. It's very easy. That's cool. It's expensive, but it's not like, holy shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's because you're so dialed in that you can actually sense these things, right? Yeah. Like I noticed that when I went from eating...
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Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Isn't it? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And it's the healthiest thing you're going to have all day long.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
When you're someone that eats like shit and just everything, like I was eating like that for a long time, you actually can't sense what changes. You know what I mean? Like you have something the next day and they're like, don't you feel better? You're like, I don't know. Like you can't tell.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And the more restrictive you get, you actually are able to detect, oh, this actually made me feel this way, this made me feel that way. So your sense for that must be like very high.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Are you going to – thank you very much, Reed. I'm not sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's cold, Reed, because of the nailing. Oh, it's cold brew. I think that works.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Who cares? I mean, there's that cool chick that just had sex with a thousand guys in a day. And then there's Brian. What, what makes me look so weird?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Can I ask, before you get into what makes you fucking weird, I want to, oh my God, I thought you were drinking olive oil.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
If it wasn't a gift, I would.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I genuinely really like it. It tastes really good. So there's one thing that stood out in the documentary. Oh, there's many things, but this in particular. At one point, they're going over your diet, and somebody's with you in your kitchen, and they go, are you hungry? And you go, I'm hungry quite a bit. Yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And what I wanted to ask, because if you're around pro bodybuilders, for instance, when they get to competition and they get very lean, very cut, they're all miserable. They're like, I'm fucking dying right now. To maintain this aesthetic, headaches, mood swings, they want to eat. Their body's asking them to eat more. to what degree, like your last meal of the day is at what time? No noon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
So you're fasting.
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Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But how bad is your hunger? How are you dealing with the hunger?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And they charge people and they're basically like, I have a hot girl. I have a crazy car. I live in a nice place. The fuck are you doing, you fucking loser? Yeah. and sign up with my thing and then I can, you'll be like me. That's like the baseline of it. So this guy is named Wes Watson. He's a personal branding blueprint guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
But do you not understand? Like, are you curious as to why people are like, this guy's fucking crazy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like only because it's to most people, even with your mission being clear and like, I get the drive.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like that with like, I mean, that's like not even that crazy, I think, but like, you know, all of it together. I think it's just that people go like, well, who could commit to this? They see it as a very few people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He claims that he helps people go from making a thousand a month to three million a month. And the class on the cost end goes on the low end about 300 a month and on the highest class is about 3000 a month. And here he's flipping out on people at a conference Because someone asked why he's such an asshole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
How do you, how does, because that's an interesting thing when people like in documentaries, articles about you, you know, there'll be like, rate of aging is this, or, you know, like you're like, my lungs are this age, my heart's, how can somebody check what theirs is? Like, how do they verify that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's in Jewdark Titty. Oh, is he? He is. He's doing his thing and stuff like that. What the fuck is he doing there? You know how they love that place. They do love that place. So he's there. They do love that place. Doing his thing. Stuff like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
There's a real range of push-ups that people are doing. I've seen people claim their push-ups at a certain... And then you're like, that's not a fucking good push-up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Like you're gonna have- Do you ever step off the plan for some indulgence that you- Oh, that too. Either want or think you want?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. I mean, rarely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, I mean- Is travel difficult for you to maintain your protocol? It seems like it'd be a challenge.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, it's been 45 years.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
for sure yeah exactly how many how many days do you travel oh a lot yeah and how do you is it pretty tough yeah it can be yeah right travel's tough it wears i mean it's the like i'm very lucky i'm very fortunate you know i get it my job is getting on stage and doing stand-up just fun that's the fun part yeah the travel a lot of times it's like We fly out Thursday. You go to the gig.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Then we fly out. Then we land somewhere Friday at midnight. Then you go to the hotel. Then you do the show the next day. You fly out again. And it's like over and over and over. So your body, you can feel it. You feel yourself starting. Even with like on the road, we prioritize training every day. We train on the road every day because it actually helps your brain and obviously your –
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Okay, so eventually this is going to lead to money. There's so many guys like this now. My whole algorithm is just these guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
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your body functioning. We eat pretty well. Sometimes it's harder to find, you know, depending on the market. Sometimes you're like, I'm trying to find this food that I want. It's good food. Yeah. It can be a challenge, but I think the hardest part of it is actually the time zones and the actually just the constant movement where, you know, you could do a four day, five day run.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
If you do that two, three weeks in a row, you're just cooked after it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, I'm caffeine daily. I would say most of the time, I would say probably like 80% of the time, our workout is like around three hours or so before we leave to go do the show. So it's like, I like it later in the day because it kind of, I wake up with those.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And then we'll eat something, usually modest after that, clean. You get showered, you get dressed, you go to the venue. And then... you know, do your show. It just depends on like, that's when things start to like, you know, to get up for the show. Yeah. I'll drink a little caffeine before a show. Then the part that wears on you is going to sleep.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Cause if we're spending the night in the city where the show is in, you know, you go back to the hotel, it's going to be already. 11 something probably. And it's really hard to come off of like a, a show and be like time to go to bed. So you're actually just trying to get your brain and everything to go down, calm down.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
And then you start to get messed up is like, you know, if we're going to leave early the next day, so then you don't sleep well. And then you, you travel, you're in, and then you, you change time zones and you're trying to make that adjustment. Um, It's the cumulative effect of that. I think if you did it like once or twice, you'd be like, it's fine. But it's just the day after day after day.
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Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Yeah. You definitely, I mean, I get home and I sleep so much better. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, I haven't. Those are popular. Have you done it? I actually did. I did it. That's awesome. I did it a few years ago. This lady does it. Why does she watch her hair? I mean, you're not constipated, so there's no reason for it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
So you just plug a pipe in? It looks like just a bag of coffee and then she does her headstand. Okay, so she's feeding coffee into... Yes. Okay. And then she'll go sit on the can and just make it all extra brown in there. Just everything will come out. I did the colonics one. Yeah, what'd you think? You know, I didn't know what to think. It's so bizarre. What does it feel like?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You look like a rabbi's son. Yeah. That's what you look like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You feel like you're kind of getting bloated, right? And then there's this thing where they, obviously if you want to have an experienced person who's kind of telling you, let that feeling happen, don't resist. And then you kind of ease, you're like, oh, then you calmly take it in. You're like, okay. And then when everything is leaving and you're seeing it leave, there is like this sense of pride.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You're like, yeah, I did that. Yeah. You like it. Yeah. And then you feel so light. You do. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You feel really good about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Yeah. Do you sharpen your sword every day? You know, like Montauk Chia stuff? What is that? This guy is like... This is why you're here. This is so embarrassing. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is the world leader in this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Who is this guy?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Look how serious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, this guy is like the... He's the one that coaches. He does seminars for this worldwide. Yeah. For men and women. Yeah. And that does what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Is this a garden gnome?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Sharpen your knife. Complete, total control mastery of your orgasms. Extending them. Yeah. And then the next level is like how you can basically be the ultimate partner to the other person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's like the voice on... for men and women, like your own orgasms and then the orgasm with the other person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
this is like it sits in story land and like everyone knows how good they are wow did you realize brian just called him out but he's like show me he's the one where that guy remember that like stories of new york guy where he was there was this guy who was like uh oh yeah yeah so this guy was like i'm basically i'm the best lover yeah i can blow a woman's mind yeah and there was everybody kind of like rolled their eyes this guy like okay
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
His cute little beard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, I don't know what's going on with these guys. But it's a really big lane now. Then there's even weirder guys like this fucking guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You know, I have a feeling... You don't usually see a muffin top like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He is kind of the OG. He's the prototype for this, yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They're so fast. Yep. So light. Yeah. And crazy range for that size.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Wait, so wait. What were you saying, though?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No, just that you're like, I'm flying commercial.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
All right. I'm going to ask you if I should get a jet. And just remember, I'm going to send this clip to my business managers. Yeah. So just give me a hard sell on why it's a great idea. Ready? Yes. Brian, as a guy who's kind of done it all and had all these things, do you think I should get a jet?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The thing is they just prey on – like this last guy is definitely autistic, but the other guys, they do – It's so autistic. He's so out of his mind. He's like – he's fancy trainer. You know what I mean? He's out of his mind.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Wow. And maybe actually that would help me to pursue getting my license to get to the point where I can do what you did, right? Like actually get licensed, get instrument rated and fly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I almost feel like I can't like not get one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I mean, you guys just convinced me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
What is his? So he has a Bombardier and then he has an older Gulfstream. So he was like, he said it wasn't worth it at the time to sell the Gulfstream. And then he goes, when the Bombardier is in service for something, then I'll take the Gulfstream. Yeah. Yeah. But he's got a unique situation, you know? Yeah. Most people don't go like, I got a backup plan.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Backup plan. He also sold the Mavericks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's not –
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
This is not a real thing. He's completely delusional. The other guys, though, they make money, but they make it just like preying on somebody who's like, I want to make more money. And they're like, no shit. The whole thing is that you're a bitch, dude. You got to get your shit right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You're perceptive of social cues. Yeah. I mean, either that or you're just really studying when you're not here. You're just like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
laugh when they say something yeah exactly that's cute yeah no yeah much more i don't think so yeah i think you're just like a smart guy before we go just like for people who are still skeptical or whatever is there some somewhere you can i mean i know blueprints the company and you guys have i think some protocols that people can follow right yeah what is what's like a good um
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
gentle way in to all of this for someone who's like, I'm curious, but I don't know. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't. I value nothing. I'm on the same train as you. The thing she says I mock her for, I'm actually intensely jealous of, which is the fact that she's like, I'm tired right now. And just fucking goes to sleep whenever she wants. At any hour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't know. Checking out fucking interest rates or something. But he'll be back. He'll do his thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
the better your sleep. And to lower your heart rate, there's obviously one thing would be avoiding stimulants. Exactly. And another thing would be tactics like breathing, meditation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. And they just it's so nuts. Like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I can't really help you. Sometimes. So there's, like, these conferences. There's also, like, let me just show you, like, another one where it's, like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. They're letting you know they're alpha now. They're, like, they're getting people to sign up for this shit. And then they're saying things like this, which is they come here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Exactly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I immediately thought of watching your documentary of the book Discipline is Destiny. Have you read that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I've heard of it. I haven't read it. It's so good. And I think you will actually, it's an easy read. It's by Ryan Holiday. It's very consumable. And it has all these incredible stories about, and the way that it explains the joy, like what you're saying, that discipline brings you and how the person without them that appears to be enjoying everything, like how they're actually not free.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They're slaves to these things that drive them. It's extremely well-written. Highly recommend it. I think you would get a real kick out of it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, I mean, you're kind of a living example of, honestly, a lot of the messages of that book. Really.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. Cool. Well, thank you for coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Thank you. See you guys. See you next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah. I don't know what's up. For sure. That's a total business 101 thing. If he's not a good guy, then definitely don't take his money. For sure. Just be like, are you good? Are you a nice guy? Because that's who we do business with. That's all that matters is if you're a good dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
The way that he's rubbing his arm just tells me how he made that up on the spot. That's just something that I did. No, you didn't, dude. You did not do that. That's so true. You're fucking full of shit. That's not. And then you get these guys all together, which is another one. And think of this. Think about like how. Like you sat here with Mark Cuban. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
You know, we've met other really successful business people and just the way that they communicate and then check this out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, they sure do. It's so funny. The weather, all of it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That was so cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Do you realize that we just gave you insight into some really high-level business people? And you could be paying $3,000 a month for that, and we just gave it to you for free. Get in that fucking room. If you want to fuck around and hear some fucking shit about my fucking family, fuck that shit, motherfucker. I'm here to make fucking money. And the guy's like, fuck yeah, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That would be her school.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money, too. After years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up from crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run and switched to Mint Mobile. And it was all because of our own Eni.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's wild.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Eni was the guy who came in here being like, I'm saving money, and I'm able to have more disposable income because I'm not paying these crazy wireless bills.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Yeah, there's so many naive people out there who don't understand how this works.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's incredible. Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash mom. That's mintmobile.com slash mom. Upfront payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers offer for first three months only then full price of plans of options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Feeling like my best self means that I'm well rested and my energy levels are up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
That's why I use Bioactive Complete Multivitamin for men from Live Good every day. Since I started taking them, I've noticed feeling more rested, more centered, more balanced. and Great Browns. With Live Good, I always feel like I'm at my best. And what's better than that? Live Good believes that everyone deserves access to high quality supplements without the insane markups.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I do my own research.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
They offer premium products formulated by an industry leading team of natural health experts, and they cut out the middleman to sell them at the lowest prices anywhere. They also have organic super greens, multivitamins, collagen, weight loss products, protein powder, creatine, detox, hormone products, skincare products, all highest quality products at prices people can actually afford.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
No wonder they're the fastest growing supplement brand on the planet with over 1.5 million customers and counting. Ready to make the switch and start saving? We'll make it even easier for you. Use our link and you can save an additional 10% off your first order on top of the already lowest prices. Just go to livegood.com slash YMH to save 10% on your first order. That's livegood.com slash YMH.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
I'm not just indoctrinated by the state. This fucking round earth shit that all you peons believe in. Losers. Oh, yeah, we rotate around the sun.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Don't miss out on this opportunity to invest. and your health without overspending. Fuck these guys. And then there's the main guy, like that guy that said he fired a client where he definitely lied. Oh, yeah. This one is so insecure. He works for that guy in the white T-shirt that says his name. Oh, Elliot. And that's his name. He's wearing, it's like the band wearing their T-shirt.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
He's wearing his own shirt. And he's redder than Bert. Like he's on so much. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
Well, it's a different angle. It's just what angle do you like? Some people love this angle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
It's faux masculine. It's not real.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Bryan Johnson Will Never Die | Your Mom's House Ep. 803
These are wildly insecure guys. They're overcompensating.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Pretty good stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Can we get his information? I would love. Absolutely. Yeah, please. Let's start sending some kind of video requests his way. He clearly is...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Isn't that exciting? Ew, I just licked a microphone. That means one more year and you hit wow, wow, wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Real talk? Yeah, talk to me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, there also comes a point, right, that you just realize, what do I mean? We all age. You're aging. You're supposed to age.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Here's the thing. Every generation, you just try to look better than your parents did at your age.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's really the thing, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, they did age well, but still.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She looks pretty good for an 80-year-old lady. Yeah. My dad really threw in the towel, I think, at 50. He really did. He definitely didn't try.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He stopped trying. Here's the funny thing. He was really, really active up into his 40s. Very active.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I don't know. I think he just, he hit that point of like, fuck it, at like... Like if you see him, if I show you photos of him in his 30s and even into his early 40s, flat stomach, strong, weightlifting, like just in shape, fit guy. And then what I can remember vividly is him being like 55. So it would still be, for me to compare myself, it would be like 10 years from now.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But when he was 55, I was like... man, like, you really don't give a fuck, right? He did not give a fuck. A fuck. He was like, oh, salt. Barbecue.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, I think the thing for Top Dog was that his joy, his dopamine drip came from food.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You have to have something. And that was just for him the thing that as he aged, he was even more into it. Because I think he just was like... You'd see them light up at the idea of meals. Oh, shit, let's go eat. And there was no counterbalance. No, like, I'll eat this way Friday. It was just like every day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I mean, you were there. Charo was there. My sister was there. My cousins were there. I had a ton of people there. The whole staff came to the show. It was really fun. And we had a little after party. It was a really good time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's the thing. We're getting older.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I was late.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I buy sweaters. We should get into the big news here. Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Chips in a bowl. If anything merits it, I think it's this, isn't it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
This means something amazing is going to be told to you here in a moment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, it's time. We should just finally say it. We've been building it up. We've been teeing it up. And now we get to tell you. YMH Live is back. It is YMH Live 10. Whoa. It is coming to you live March 7th at 7.30 p.m. Central Time. That is 8.30 Eastern, and that is 5.30 Pacific. Pacific. It is going to be our biggest one yet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We've got the great Dan Soder joining us in studio as our special guest. We have original, of course, brand new sketches. And to celebrate our 10th live show, we are giving away $10,000 live on the show, on the live stream. Go to ymhstudios.com for more information. And to grab your ticket, we will announce the winner live on the show right before the heavy segment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And of course, don't miss the exclusive VIP post show hosted by Josh Potter. Everything is at ymhstudios.com. This is one that we have been putting months into to get ready. It's been all behind the scenes, super secret, and now we get to announce it to you guys that the original sketches are a whole tier above anything we have ever done before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, but you hung out. You were hanging out, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There's real, real production that's gone into all of this and This is a group effort. When we do YMH Live, the whole team participates, meaning every single person that works here. And even outside people, we have to outsource a bunch of things. But we love doing YMH Live. So this is number 10, and it's going to be our biggest one yet, March 7th. It's going to go down. So I hope you can join us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
A reminder, because I get asked this every single time and I want people to know, you do not have to, like if you can't join live March 7th at 7.30 p.m., you can still watch the show later on that night, the next day, three days later, the week after. So if you're not able to join live, just know that you can still watch the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But if you can be there live, it's obviously fun to be in the moment. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You just don't know what's going to happen.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Or if you're going to see something crazy. Oh, my God. And of course, it'd be fun to be there either watching or winning 10K also. That's pretty cool. That's the best, dude. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's unbelievable. It was so amazing. Yeah. We have cool guys. We have a lot of special stuff in this one. We made also an original short story that I don't even know how to do it up. It's high, high level production. It's a really original, fun story. And I would say that the motivation for it was my dad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Okay. That being said, some happy birthdays came in. We always like to check out happy birthdays. Oh, fantastic. Would you like to see?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We are. Hey, bye. We'll be in the UK. we're going to be in, uh, before the UK, we'll be in Ireland. We'll be in Belfast. Then we're going to go down and we'll be in everywhere from Cardiff, Manchester, London. Um, I'm forgetting places, but going to BAM. I don't remember.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's all at Tom's grow.com slash tour. Um, if you're over there, please come and see me. All right, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That was really good. That was really good. You deserve a round of applause, sir. He snuck so many things in there. Charlie. Yeah. Wow. Way to go, Charlie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
you got you dropped two hitlers in there and um four strokes for you and then that's like black guys are always like ah that's right like he didn't know what you said but he still went with he's like that's what i'm talking about yeah they just roll with whatever crazy shit when he says four strokes for you watch he's like yeah man he doesn't know what he said that's it
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
1234 appreciate shot what do you say right four strokes for you yes sir yes four strokes for you yes sir he doesn't know what he said you don't care hello
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm so confused. I know. He's like, why would we do that? That doesn't make any sense.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
A Redwood Outdoors Backyard Sauna seats two to eight and provides the ultimate in deep relaxation, reduced muscle tension, improved circulation, improved sleep, and so much more. The back and forth of it is actually... like a routine that you'll fall in love with.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Code YMH to save $175 on your order. Redwoodoutdoors.com. The code is YMH.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, I know you're referencing because on the last tour, when you came to London and I talked about you, you said that all the lads were like, oh, hey, hey, he's talking about you, isn't he?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I like my image here in the bottom corner.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, that's awesome, dude. Thanks, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That looks just like a plastic bag of food. Like they just threw trash into a bag. The entrance says Dairy Queen. Is that Dairy Queen? Wow. Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Do you know what's been... Well, actually, I'll save this for our guest coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, I was watching the Puff Daddy documentary. Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Speaking of Saddam. Yeah. Darn. really? dude Puff is like a guy who's heard and then as the news kind of you know you see these like kind of flashes like oh you know charged with this and you're like but when you sit and you watch here's the thing about this I watched the one on Max and It's a, I don't know, six part series. It's like pretty in depth. These are not just like stories.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They're sit down interviews with, because if you're like, oh, who is it? Childhood best friend, personal bodyguard for like 10 years, former employees, former artists that he worked with. The chef. The chef that cooked in his house for years. It's everybody that was intimately involved with this guy and everything that they said. I mean, he's a monster. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
When you watch this, you end up going like, oh, there's a real probability that I don't think he's going to see the light of day. Probability?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You're all the baddies talking about. But this time you sat in Video Village. I hid. But you still had people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Did I say it wrong?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Speaking properly?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, I just was in between words I was going to say.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I think there's a real probability that he's not going to see the light of day.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
If any of these charges stick, you're like, dude, you are.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Maybe if you want to just jack your D later to it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I guess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
God damn it. Allegedly, we should say. Oh, yeah, sure. It's pretty true. And then he allegedly forced himself into her and then she vomited on the table and then he kept doing it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know what the crazy thing is? Each of them, so they interviewed his executive assistant, like the last one that he had. And he was like, oh, man, I was so excited to work. He's somebody I idolized. And I was like, I get to work for Puff. And then you see Puff left him not just text but voice notes so that you get to hear his voice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And he's like, hey, man, go ahead and get that lube and that baby oil over for one of my parties. So it's like he's he's like, I'm just delivering like baby oil and lube and condoms to parties. And I have to clean that. He goes, the cleanup was the worst. Because you're just cleaning up, like, eight used condoms. And then he would destroy hotel rooms.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So they were like, we have to, like, send a special unit to, like, clean up the hotels. And then he goes one time, and then the guy started crying. He's like, Puff was like, hey, man, like, it's time, like, a loyalty test. Like, you're with me, right? You're with me on all this shit. And he's like, yeah. He's like, all right, fuck her. And the girl was like. it's okay. Like gave him the head nod.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And then he's like, I started to like have sex with someone that I didn't want to. And he's like, this guy's like crying in the interview. And then he's like, and then when puff left, I stopped and I was like throwing up. Like it's really traumatizing people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Do you know how all this kicked off for him too, they said? I hate this shit. Like not kicked off in terms of behavior, but in terms of this becoming an issue for him. Cassie? Yes, but it was the- The awards. The awards ceremony. He got an award. He had not been with this person in years. And then in the awards ceremony-
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
this is recent right like semi-recent it was last year i think he's like also just want to give a shout out to cassie like you know it's all love or whatever some something like that no he goes thank you for being with me in my darkest yeah when i was at my worst i was in my darkest And then she saw that and was like, fuck you. Because she took it as like a veiled threat in a way.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And that is what, so him just having the nerve to mention her is what like elicited everything. Isn't that wild?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Man, that was awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It kind of makes me wonder what Puff could do with him. Like with his producing power and this guy's raw talent. It's so sad we don't get to see that together. What did you think of that clip right there, Zolo?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Any of you like that? Oh, yeah, it's great. Yeah, I don't know how the fuck he does it. I know. I wish I could. He's a throat whistler. Actually, maybe I don't. I mean, I've just, I've never, I've literally never heard that before.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Sitting there at the beach just enjoying life.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We've got to get in touch with this guy. I'm serious. We do. Of course we should. Why haven't we already?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I got an idea. What about if we get him to do some of the Bad Boy Records greatest hits? I don't think he's familiar with them. You could learn them. He could learn them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Take that, take that, take that, and that. I thought I told you that we won't stop. I thought I told you that we won't stop.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I try to have a balance between family, Hitler. Yes. Sex.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Let's make that our mission.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The accomplishment of the year would be like we brought Puff back from the dark.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Good looking out, yo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And we are back and welcoming back to the program is one of our good friends. You can check out his new tour, the Bro Adjacent Tour. You can get tickets at thefullcharge.com. It's the Full Charge, Matt Bolshon, everybody. So good to be at my home away from home.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Your mom... Big Mama 2. I've had. Starring Martin Lawrence. I've had people bring me up that way, too. Or even like introduction on like a press thing. They'll be like, and you've seen this very popular podcast, Your Mama's Place. Yeah. It's your mama's place.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Society.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I mean, the guy just keeps delivering. He's been gone for a long time, but he keeps staying in the fucking zeitgeist. He's just there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I remember, I think I've told this story before, but it still haunts me because there's nothing like the trauma of not knowing what to say. And I was hosting at the Melrose Improv on a showcase night. So Melrose is like showcase shows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
so you know every time you get off you're like who's next and you go back and i had rift a minute in between and then it was time and i was like give it up your next comedian and i i remembered his last name and i could remember his first name so i just said mr burman
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He's like 23. No, I think his name is Peter. Is it Peter Berman? Yeah, that's his name. Yeah, now you know it. It's Peter Berman. And I said, Mr. Berman. And he was like, he came up there. I remember he was like, fuck you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He goes, Mr. Berman. That's him. Yeah, yeah. He looks like a Mr. Berman. He goes, what am I, his fucking fourth grade teacher? That's what he said. I was like... Yeah, that dude don't fuck around. I've hung out with him recently. And I mean, he should have. He did exactly what he should have done. Right. Yeah, that's him. And I was like... But here's the thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Even though the person forgives you, you're so...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I want to see it. Are you in color now? Oh, shit. I'll watch this whole documentary series, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I've been on stage, said the wrong thing, because your brain sometimes just fucking fizzles out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I've eaten shit walking upstairs. Yeah, of course. And also you panic so hard when that happens. And in your mind, you're like, how am I going to recover? Yeah. Either they saw it and they're laughing. Or they didn't see it. Yeah. And then you're not even starting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They're like, guess what we did? We modified the audio. You can hear his, I got to hear the guy's real voice. This is incredible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I've blanked also at the opening. Same thing, which is where you're like, this is the beginning. And your brain just goes, nope, nothing here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Now I got to know about his dog. Hey, guess what? We exposed a new roll of film. I'd love to see all the photos.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Wyoming's life is so exciting. This is our first one in a while.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm going to excuse myself. The hardest I ever bombed at a showcase. And I mean bombed. was for just for laughs uh-huh of course so they go to bomb that we're supposed to do at the laugh factory and when we get there they're like oh uh it was something like they go we we had told people to like come at a different time so they're not here uh-huh so we'll just use who's here
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And I'm like, so there's no crowd. And they're like, well, there is a crowd, but it's mostly comics.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Like the audience thought it was supposed to be like at whatever, like at nine, we're going to do it at seven. I'm like, how, how does that make any sense? And they're like, well, they just, just do it. And I'm like, so there's like 20 comics who they're all want to, they all want to go to just for laughs. They ain't room for you. Yeah. And then I'm like, and that's who we're performing for.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They're like, yeah. And the, the judges from just for laughs. And you're like,
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
oh my god and I went up there and just I mean everything was just it was like right now I just would finish and then there would just be silence right and I was like wow and so I got off stage and I mean I was like that was the worst experience of my entire life yeah and then they were like yeah you got it you're going to Just for Laughs I was like off of that yeah Just for silence.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Which just told me how fucking rigged those experiences are. Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you, yeah. I was like, if you can get it off of that pile of shit, that means that you can also, because I'd also had showcases for other things where I was like, yo, I killed. Right. And they're like, yeah, you didn't get it. Yeah. Why didn't you get, how do, what do you mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I watched some Saddam stuff this weekend.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There's stuff that I'm dying to show you. Okay. So let's... Well, first of all, so that we don't forget to do it, because I teased it at the top, you are going on tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Saddam... He's a real interesting guy. And he was a bit of a knucklehead. Is he as dynamic as Hitler? He had a peasant's upbringing. Oh, okay. And he came to power in 79. I just watched stuff about him. He had this great, great first week in office. It's one of the most epic fucking gangster things I've ever seen. He called a general assembly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Thefullcharge.com. Can you pull it up, please?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Comedy magic?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Make babies, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's awesome. Congratulations. That's rad. Go to thefullcharge.com. Don't forget, because if it's just fullcharge.com, that's a broken website.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Hey. By the way, do you have an OnlyFans? Yeah. You do? Yeah, but that's just for porn. Oh, okay. That's fullcharge.com. I think that's down. We're trying to get Charo, my mom, to get on. Kill her. Yeah, well, I don't think she'll do hardcore, but I mean, I don't know. She has to meet people. Maybe something tasteful. We're trying to get her to do like good mornings. Here's me making coffee.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, she drinks and has panetton, like her little snacks. And she talks. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
People forget that that platform was established as being like for fans. Yeah. Of like, I want to just follow this person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Yeah. That's really, and then the porn people took it in another direction.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
They always do. They get their little cum hooks in there. But the... Cum hooks. Their gooey little cum hooks. Their gooey little cum hooks never just latch out to you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
VHS. Laser disc. They were there. Yeah, I remember when I saw a thing, they're like, DJ Khaled's on OnlyFans. I was like, he's fucking people on OnlyFans? And they're like, no. He's just like, here's my house. He's fucking someone who's like, DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled. That's really what it was set up for. So anyway, we're trying to get Charo on there. I hope we can convince her to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Do scenes with my friends.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Some dudes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
yeah trying it's us it's like one of those boxing matches where like it's over one of my favorite things I love these fucking pranks that people are doing and I also love fucking you know I love fucking with my parents I love I fuck with my mom more than I did with my dad but this guy has a real fired up dad and he fucks with him alright and it makes me laugh so hard it really makes I get so much joy out of this
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Fuck off, you fucker!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So everybody in government had to come to this assembly. It was essentially in like a picture of big theater, okay? It's July in Iraq. It's fucking 110 degrees, maybe warmer. Yeah. And there's no air conditioning. And they're all in this thing. They're all in suits. And they're like, yeah, yay, Saddam. And he knew that some people were already trying to overthrow him. So he stands up there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
this reminds me of andrew russell's dad you know when he's golfing just losing his shit yeah i don't see how this dad keeps hanging around with this kid that's what i was wondering they clearly work together too like they're at they're at i think their work you know he's a painter right and so he's just at work with his dad pulls out his phone he just fucks with his dad so he feels like he can't get fired yeah he can't get fired well also there's no child abuse in his history because my dad would beat the fuck out of me dude did this to him dude
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Cause they're like, it's so fun to watch him go, you fucking asshole. But he doesn't actually hurt them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He can't relax anywhere. He was sleeping on vacation, and when they dropped the chair on him, that guy was in the middle of a great nap.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The big ass.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Gotcha. Our kids are too little to be. They're always ruining something. Yeah. Usually your peace. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And this is the rare, this next one is the rare time where it's a woman. pranking the man because a lot of times these like the pranks in these relationships are the guy to the girl but this woman fucks this guy up with this dude i'd fucking hit that bitch too
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
This is terrifying. A deep sleep and see a monster. You don't know that it's me in a costume.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that wake up. Oh, my God. Because they always do it close, too. So you're always like, holy fuck. Yeah. Dad. Fuck, dude. He's like, hey, hey. No, I got it. I'm awake now. Yes. What? Do you know where my iPad is? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He lights a cigar. He takes a few puffs and he's like, I'm gonna read some names from this piece of paper. If I read your name, I want you to stand up and recite the party slogan and then exit to the back of the theater. And so he just smokes his cigar, reads people's names. They stand up, they say the slogan. And then one guy's like, he's like, what did I do? Why did you read my name?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'll send you this video and then maybe you just need to practice how you do it. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
i'll get into it you know maybe get some earrings or something like you're not you're not mixing your ball smells and your taint smells that's that's where your flaw is that's true you need to get that potency from your right so close it's so far away no i i i sometimes i i really miss out on a lot of his lessons yeah he's given me a lot of great pointers and i don't actually follow up a lot so i'm being kind of a lazy student right yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's just all the books you have no interest in.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He's definitely well read.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know, this might be a good segue into the show we were watching.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right. That's a good premise. It's about guys who are just SSA. SSA. They're same-sex attracted. Okay. But they're not gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So they're basically guys who are like, yeah, I find men attractive. I look at them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Right. Like, I repress all the feelings that I have. And I pretend that I'm attracted to this woman. Right. But what I really like to be doing is... blowing a guy. Right. And I've created a life with this woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And children. Well, they're Mormon.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Here's a cool clip from the show. That is tough. I'm not kidding.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It's actually both guys. Oh, okay. They're both SSA.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Same sex, tried it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, right there. That's zero. I think if you, yeah, that one. Well, they had talked about it here. The scale? They talked about it when they were playing basketball.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He doesn't answer him. He's just like, just recite the party slogan and then just head to the back of the theater. And then everybody who he read, they were all walked out and executed. And then he was like, that's how we're going to do things around here. Wow. Yeah, pretty soon he was, you know, he figured out how to kind of skim some money off the top of their oil sales.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Isn't that crazy that he's like, I want to be like my friends who are also gay that are married to women and are cool with being married to a gay guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All these guys would be so much happier in their lives. And the women, too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The crazy thing is that we always think about those guys... and how clearly they should just go be gay, because that's what you are. I wish they could be. But then those women have never been with a guy who's into them. They don't even know what that's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But you've got to find people that are into what you're into, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, she's awesome. See, this one, she's not lying about who she is. I don't know, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
don't ask don't tell yeah it sounds like it's kind of like i'm not gonna ask you too many questions i don't know if you if you watch more it feels like the women are like uh they're more like it's they're in denial he has these feelings but the great thing is he doesn't act on them right so they're maybe they're in denial to themselves about it they are yeah but like those guys definitely like they're they're not being satisfied right so they gotta do something
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And he was living a pretty plush life. The real thing that's interesting, too, is he had two sons. And one of them, I think the firstborn, Uday.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, you know that I'm SSA.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm not gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm same-sex attracted.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Look, look again. You want to look again. And then four was restraints.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, like I wanted to hop on them, but I didn't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's so gay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
was a real fucking psycho. But I remember being attracted.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know what they really need? Each of these guys, especially this single guy, he just needs another Mormon who is like, I grew up Mormon too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So they can connect on that. Yeah. And then, hey man, you could still care for God and be filled with cum. Yeah. Like just...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
To Uday?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Something will go wrong. Yeah. And it will be me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'll finally be famous. Paying attention. I got to watch my weight, though, if I'm going to get in one of these, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, maybe it's the other son because there's two boys. What's the other guy's name? There's Uday and what was the other? His sibling. Oh, Kuse, that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see because I had a crush on one of them. He's kind of handsome there on the phone, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's what I'm saying. If you're the great big fat person, you carry it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
B-Y-O-S-B. Eat. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, she needs the video where they go, oh yeah, you're right. It should be everywhere and it could be in your purse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
At all times.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's a good point, Tom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Or at seatbeltextenderpros.com.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, big fat people want big fat cars. Yeah. You don't want to get in a little car.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Because there was that lady a few weeks ago that she wants to sue Lyft because the Lyft driver pulled up. She's 392, I think. Okay. This lady. And the driver was like, nah. He's like, you can't get in here.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He didn't. He actually had a small car. He's like, you're way too big for the car.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, because you know what? The thing is, if you have a big SUV, it's not easy to get in them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He did?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
See? Texas loves it. People don't give a fuck. That is true. My car got hit today. Really? In a parking lot and I watched it. You just saw it happen? I watched it and I was like, hey, you hit my car. And she goes, I don't think I did. I go, no, I watched it. And she goes, I don't think I did. I go, it's not that you think. I saw you do it. And she's like, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And then her trailer hitch matches up perfectly to the damage. And then she just rolled up the window and drove off.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You can do that? This is her driving off. I posted it online.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's her license plate. Oh, my God, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, for sure she deserves it. The nerve of somebody to... Look, that's the trailer. There's the paint on the edge of it. Oh, my God. And then the next image, that's where it went. Dude. Yeah. That's definite. I mean, especially... Also, if you go back a few, I have... Oh, yeah, that's her. Oh, that's me yelling at her. I go... Nice. Because she had already turned back around.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Uday's a real ding-dong, though. So what he was in charge of, they put him in charge of the Olympic Committee. So all sports in Iraq. But guess how he got the best out of his athletes? He tortured them. Yeah. He tortured them and threatened their families. He would have them murdered. He was really, really psychotic. And to the point where Saddam one time, so Saddam had a party.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I go, no, I watched you do it. She's like, I don't think I did. I don't think I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, it's just crazy. I don't know, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah. Yeah, we already found out who it belongs to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, they also don't know who they're fucking with.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, of course. That's the best part. It fits perfectly. It's what she did. We watched her do it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that's what she said. That's my opinion. She goes, I don't think I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
yeah dude she got garth army on her now yeah she's done for dude she's done that car is not gonna get any love in texas there's her face too holy shit yeah it's just here's the thing it's just a shitty thing to do yeah it's not cool you should be you know you're accountable you did it but yeah whatever it's just how it goes this is really crazy people are fucking
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There was one time when I lived on Silver Lake Boulevard. I'm in the back room, and I hear what I thought was an explosion. Right. I thought it was a grenade. I really thought that somebody had thrown a grenade. And I was like, holy shit. And I run out to the front yard, and it was my cousin's girlfriend's car was parked, and somebody had hit it at like 50 miles an hour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
So goddamn loud. Terrifying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, just some dumb broad. Dumb broad. Entitled, not concerned about someone else. She knew she did it, and she started to go, she was like, no. I go, no, no, no. I watched. I literally watched it. I go, I watched you do it. She was like, I don't think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She knew she did it and was like, I'm leaving.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And Uday at the party shot three people with a shotgun and killed them. And so his dad was like, I am fucking done with this shit. You're being a real knucklehead. You guys are grounded. So Saddam burned Uday's cars as a punishment. Uday had like a bunch of fleet of cars.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, this is a little palate cleanser.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
But then she can't get up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Because it just keeps moving.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Just endlessly falling downstairs. She's like, I'm almost there. I'm hoping this is a security camera and not someone just watching.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's what I'm saying. These are good stories.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right, just get to the top.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, she didn't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's coming to help.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Someone finally stopped it. So she fell down like 65 stairs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Hitler's fucking tired as a topic. Yeah. We got it already. Except for what I talk about.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
A 70-year-old woman just continuously falling.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You're old, you're out of touch, you don't even know how to do an escalator. Her grandkids love this, by the way. They're for sure like, do you want to watch that thing again? Granny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That hurt right there. That one really fucked her up.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's fucked up right there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's like, I'm almost out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
What's the guy in the security rooms watching it having a good time? He's like eating a sandwich.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He's like, should I press the button to stop it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Dude, she's on to something there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You got it. You got it. You got it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
No, he had a couple other things he did. I don't know how much you know about Hitler. I don't know. You know what? From what I've heard. He was nice to some other people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Doesn't part of you want to just go, are you stupid? Yes, she is stupid. You don't know how to fucking ride this thing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The way that she got on, too, tells me that's like... Is this your first escalator ride?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's what I'm trying to say, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You see the guy in the foreground on the left here? Yeah. Watch his body. Watch the way he reacts to that. He's like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She's okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
She just had a leaky gas line, I think.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Tom, you got real mental problems.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You know that? Yeah. That's terrible. Well, you know what? You got to get your gas lines checked, and that's what this whole episode's been about. Okay. You guys got to pay attention to how your gas lines are lined up. Details at fullcharge.com. There you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I believe Josh did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
All right. That was, I mean, just one more time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I make all the dinner for my family.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
One thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It is a good argument.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I like those. Everyone has different preferences.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
You'll like this. Where's your thing of Diet Coke?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Fart hard.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Who is this guy? Make sure you go see Matt Fulcher on The Full Charge on the Bro Adjacent Tour. Tickets are at thefullcharge.com. Of course, we also let you know that YMH Live is back. on Friday, March 7 at 7.30 p.m. Central Time. It's our biggest YMH Live yet. Special guest Dan Soder is joining us. And there's a $10,000 giveaway. Go to ymhstudios.com for more information and get your tickets.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And fart hard. And fart hard. This nation will never not fart hard for our freedom. That's it. Thank you, Matt, for coming. Guys, thank you so much. Always great to see you. Thanks for having me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Well, the other thing is that there was clear... When you look at the story of Germany coming to power and what they were trying to do, there's not a lot of times where you have a unified...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
front against one like his his mission was take over like we're gonna take we're just gonna invade everyone take over Europe so everybody got to go you're you're you're evil you're you're just like invading people left and right you know it was clear to have like, this is the enemy. A lot of times when there's other dictators in power, it doesn't register to everyone else.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Mi hao. What's everybody? Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
We're thankful for you for being a viewer, a supporter of the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Or as big a plans.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
He did. And by the way, he was, you know, he was hitting home runs. Yeah. Because he was like, we're going to take Poland. They take Poland. We're going into France. Done. So he was, you know, spreading. He's getting shit done. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I believe they just elected a new leader who's a, I think, far-right leader. So maybe some, you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that'd be pretty cool to see if he's like, you know, I have been inspired by some of our past leaders. I'll be at the Ford Center in Evansville, Indiana tomorrow on February 27th. There's only a few tickets left, so get them while you can. Then this Saturday, March 1st, I will be in Chicago at the United Center. Go get your tickets at tomscora.com slash tour.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Everybody likes it, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
People were shouting it to me at the shows I was doing. They're like, what's everybody?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And in the U S ISPs are legally allowed to to sell that information to advertisers. ExpressVPN reroutes 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers so your ISP can't see your browsing history. ExpressVPN hides your IP address, making it tough for third parties to track your online activity. It's super easy. Just open the app, click one button, and you're protected.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah, that was awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It works on all your devices too, so you can stay private anywhere you go. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my private information private. And there's nothing easier than going to ExpressVPN and just clicking that button. Protect your online privacy today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash YMH. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash YMH. You can get an extra four months free.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
ExpressVPN.com slash YMH.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
It was a fun night.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I know. You're like, you're German, so we're Nazis. Is your dad a Nazi?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
That's the new.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
His party is Christian Democratic Union of Germany.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
The Christian Democratic Union of Germany. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I'm like, pass the lemonade. And I think that's a great place to take us. Have you guys bought my lipstick yet? Oh, yeah. That's a good transition. Go ahead. Go ahead and plug your lipstick now that we're done with our Nazi tirade.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And her ignoring the execution of millions of people. Yeah, there you go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Oh, yeah. Headquarters. Yeah, headquarters. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
And if you wear Berlin in Berlin, double whammy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
There you go. Hitler wore lipstick. Let's play the opening clip before we get to our big news. You ready? I'm ready. Here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799
I have a lot of fun doing it. The shows have been just like, it's just so much fun. And to do it in Austin, you know, you just, you didn't know it's, it's my adopted, our adopted hometown. Now this is where we live. So to be able to, you know, sleep in your bed at night and then go down, do the big arena in town and have it be, Just jam-packed. And had so many friends and family there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's an appropriate song for some of the subjects today. Man. Man, today's going to be just rocking. We're on fire. We're rolling. There's so much to get into. There's so many interesting stories that some might not even expect that are going to be discussed today.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I was like, oh, watching you. Yeah. He was watching. He goes, I go, there's a blue dragon that kept like trying to bite. He goes, yeah, because you went. And then and then the next day when I saw him walk around, he went, he went.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, he was just like, come in my hand. Yeah. That's what I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, he was jacking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we haven't even opened the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, that's the end of your questions. Here we go. Let's open the show.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I'm outside Victoria's Secret. The secret is that I just took a diarrhea in the dressing room because I ate too much orange chicken at the Panda Express.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
In Sedona.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay, that's fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I enjoyed it. Did you learn anything? No, it was just like, it was a nice, it was a good experience. Yeah. I enjoyed it. Yeah, it was the opposite of scary. That's nice. That is nice.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The secret is that I just took a diarrhea.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's Victoria's secret.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The third apocalypse, the third eagle of the apocalypse.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Don't think so. I'm looking and I don't think it was the thumb.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I think she went in there just to shit in the dressing room.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, look at her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Revelations. Isn't his show something like that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Her. What do you think that lays above shitting where she shouldn't shit?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She went from Panda Express to Victoria's Secret. First of all, this woman's a fucking menace.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What do you mean? That's not the two-stop way to do things. Oh. Panda Express, then go, I'm going to go to the lingerie store? That's true. I don't think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
First, and then you fill up with diarrhea food. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sure. That orange chicken. No one's mad at that. Goddamn. But she's gnarly. That's the secret.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She has nice hair. She has nice hair.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
William Tapley, he often talks about.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
By the way, you want to do like a little vibe shift real quick? Of course. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know. How do you do this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So I look this up. Yeah. Because I don't know what's happening.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's throat whistling. But I've never even heard. Because whistling, typically you see people with their lips, right? Like the sound. He can whistle from here. I don't even understand that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He is a man. Third eagle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't understand how it happens. I don't either. And how he manipulates. I mean, how he manipulates.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Right. But how does it even start, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I bet you can.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay, here's what it says online. To whistle with your throat, also called throat whistling, you essentially create a constriction in your throat by manipulating your vocal cords while directing a stream of air through a specific mouth position, usually with a slightly open mouth. and a flattened tongue near the bottom teeth allowing the air to vibrate and produce a whistling sound.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's so upsetting that he won't reach out to us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This technique requires practice and precise control of your throat muscles and tongue placement. And now everybody, let's all see everybody try to throat whistle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I mean, this guy... When you talk about unique talents for real...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I've never even met a throat whistler. Neither have I. None of my friends have ever been like, hey, you want to see some shit? No. And dropped the throat whistler.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. That is awesome when people do that. Yeah. And it sounds like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That bit is fucking 15 years old now, and nobody's ever caught on.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Burt Kershire. That's a new one. We've heard so many variations. Kershire.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Nobody can get it. And look at his face. Burt's like, yeah, here we go.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I love that part of his head goes, I thought I was famous enough for someone to get it right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Someone came up to me this weekend. Yes. Goes, I never wear red lipstick. And I go, okay. And she goes, I bought Christina's. She goes, that's the only red that I've ever worn. She goes, I love it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There is this fart thing that you might like. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sedona is a beautiful place.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, so you did that lady a favor, I guess.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
By the way, that's Chris. Yes. And I did his podcast, if you don't know. It's called Modern Wisdom.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I just did it a couple weeks ago.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Really nice guy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know. Or I've heard that because I've heard people go, oh, when you meet somebody, I go, what do you do? And they're like, well, you know, you excuse yourself or you leave them. Like for what if you have like a bunch of farts, you just keep get up and you leave over and over. It's kind of weird, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, and he's one of these. Don't you have like you have a policy, right? A girl can't fart in front of you. No, no, I didn't say that. I thought you told me before that you were completely against a girl ever farting in front of you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The pitch changes more than a flat road fart walk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, no. I've done that. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It was a spiritual journey. And we even experienced a sound bath. I enjoyed the sound bath.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The fart stair walk is cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sometimes, too, if you jog.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So it's more of a fart jog. Sure. Also, the movement is a little more than a walk stride. Sure. So you'll hear different pitches. It's pretty cool. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's very cool. It's Black History Month.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, yeah. Congrats, Annie. Thanks, guys. In honor of you, our black brothers and sisters, we bring you this gift.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I loved it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Creole.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I really did. Did you go on a journey in your mind? Actually, yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Cat's Fist and Bash loves frogs. I'm smart. I know what's to do. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, this one's really cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, that is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
No, but what I'll say is that I'll say what I told the sound bath lady, Echo, is that she was like, you know, just let yourself go where it goes. And I went everywhere.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Romanis?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It was African-American. There was no Jewish mention, though. That is interesting. She mentioned everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Kind of makes you wonder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's kind of strange to list everybody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Did she list Muslims? I didn't hear that. Wow. She did not, Tom. It's actually a very not inclusive song.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You specifically left out two very... Big groups. Big, small groups. Right. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, here's a little geography lesson for you. Latin encompasses Latin America, which is the, which is what you know as not this America. I'll tell you that. So like kind of further down South. Sure. And Hispanic would be a Hispano like Spain.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Spanish people are Hispanic. I didn't know that. I just lumped you guys all in speaking your fucking dirty. Hispanics are not Latin.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Well, there's Christina for you guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
People are saying, by the way, speaking of Latins, people are saying this is Charo at Disney. Have you seen this?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Would you marry your son? Uh, yes, of course. My God, I wish I could.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I went into space, but I mean, I had thoughts of like, there was times I was thinking about our kids, about you, friends, feelings. Like it was a real visual kind of journey that I let the sound kind of guide me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Welcome to the fucking new world, dude. This is everything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This is everything after COVID, honestly.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You get these bottom feeders working everywhere now. You get these. I'm serious. Every fucking service person is dog shit now. They're the worst. Yeah. And I'm talking to you. If you have a job like that, you suck. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
They're all fucking losers. No. Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are. You guys are the worst.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
no it's not the same it's not the same but i was making the comment more seriously about the service industry it is it's totally oh stop it hasn't bounced back definitely not you don't feel that anymore any type of like go to restaurants hotels airlines every place that like there's airlines are always atrocious but it's worse it's all worse it's way worse or the airlines are garbage the hotels are worse yeah restaurants are worse because i don't leave the house as much anymore
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Because people left who had some of these jobs and they replaced it with the fucking B squad. Actually, like the C squad. Yeah. So that's who has the job now. Yeah. Yeah. It sucks.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He had bits. He had bits.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know what the... Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He had stock lines for everything. I hated it. As somebody that makes fun of people all the time, I can't mock those people in front of them. Do you know what I mean?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, is it like just a nice thing that I'm doing? Yes, because it's mean. Because I sympathize with and I just go along and I never mock them. That guy, man, it starts with just like the approach to the table. He goes, hey, I'm like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Jeff, we'll be taking care of you guys tonight. Where are we in from? Where's everybody coming from? And right away, I'm like, oh, shit. But I still go, I don't mock them. I go, I'm coming from Austin. Austin, Longhorns. And you're like, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
he's like what are we celebrating whenever everybody tells me what are we celebrating i always just go dinner yeah i don't know we're just here guys it's hula hands there's not to be a celebration birthday his anniversary is a special occasion i'm like just dinner it's evening we haven't eaten dinner yet and then he's like okay right and then he he just runs through his bits and uh i got a little little special something here off the menu uh
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
what then he does like oh yeah there's like a seafood thing he's like it's not local because there's no ocean right and you're like no i know we got the bit he's like uh flew it in but i promise not didn't come in last week and then he starts laughing at all his stuff and i'm like and you have to go like yeah because there's no ocean and no i know but i can't i can't mock him
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's doing his best. That's, that's the other thing. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Don't worry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, you read people, right? You read body language.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You just look. That's because you know what that takes though? Because I learned this about, I learned this from, so Acme Comedy Club is one of the best comedy clubs.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
in the country so for people that don't know how the way the way most comedy clubs work is you're on stage right you're performing everybody has ordered everyone knows about two drink minimum right and then this thing that all comedians get to know the check drop yeah what that means is usually like 45 minutes into the headliner set every server
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
We'll drop the check for the people to pay before the show ends. And it always destroys the momentum of what you're doing on stage. It's the worst. But most comedy clubs don't care. They're just like, who cares?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So you're on stage. You're in the middle of, let's say, your best, most well-structured bit. It's a closer because you're working towards your closer. And then they're just like, well, you got to pay. Is that a visa? We don't take American. You're like, cool. And then you just deal with it, right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So you just, what ends up happening is as a seasoned comedian, you start to learn that if that check drop happens, pivot to something that doesn't need their focus because they can't focus while they're paying their bill. So anyway, the first time I did Acme, I remember I got off stage and I was like, I was like, man, everybody paid attention. I was like, is there no check drop here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And they're like, oh no, there is. And I'm like, wait a minute. I didn't notice though. And they go, oh no, we give people their checks throughout the show depending on their pattern of ordering and consuming. And I was like, so what they're doing is let's say somebody has a beer and then their second one They're nursing it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And it's 20 minutes into the show. They will just quietly put the bill there and they go, this person is not going to be consuming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Somebody else, let's say, orders a bucket of beers. They go, well, that's all they're going to order. Yeah. So then they give them their bill. Yeah. 18 minutes in. So it's staggered so that like when that 45 minute, 50 minute time comes, there's not a massive drop. They're smart. And I was like, oh, but what it takes is like thought nuance and train and they train the servers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
They go watch the person. Yeah. Like watch how they do it and then drop it at the appropriate time.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Do it again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's a lot of work. And then there's always like, well, how does the person respond to the bill? Sort of like this guy, you know?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So this is posted by Dan, a serial entrepreneur, small business advisor, and YouTuber. He's complaining about prices at Guy Fieri's restaurant. I'll say this. I love Guy Fieri. I think he's a fantastic person. I loved when I met him and hung out with him. He was so gracious and so cool. I'm wondering because of the noise here in the background. First of all, it sounds very busy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It was enjoyable, though. I really enjoyed it. Yeah. It was like the, I don't know, how long did it last? 30 minutes? Something like that? Maybe an hour. Okay. It was probably the only hour I didn't think about death in a long time. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It sounds like a lot of people are paying $70 for two chicken sandwiches and two waters. This feels like Vegas pricing, which is standard. Vegas everything is like, what, you want a basket of fries? It's $40.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, but here's the thing. 23 bones. This is a tier of restaurants.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, but this is my point, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This is not McDonald's.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's Vegas. Oh, it's Vegas, baby. It's not crazy. Well, then it's Vegas. That's not crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Vegas, everything is like this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Also, there's definitely a tier above this if you're looking for high-priced items. Sure. No, that's Vegas prices.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Absolutely. If you go to Chili's in Vegas, you're going to pay this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And you're going to eat it? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I'd put my arm around a cow and be like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's what I'm laughing at. This dude is so pissed off. It's the funniest thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Can you go to his Instagram?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's IA allegedly. I allegedly. Is that right? Is that his?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So what's he normally like? What's he say here?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Look, he's happy in that one, the one you just clicked on there. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's happy about smokes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It says, please be kind to everyone. Onward and upward. All the best. Fuck you, guy. You piece of shit. He really did not like getting that bill. Also, didn't he know the prices? That's what I said. Right?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So see that, if you scroll up there, that second lady. So it's sort of like that setup. She had all these types of instruments, right? Bulls. Objects that would make.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Right, because if they're like $23.99 each, yeah, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Where?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's a lot there. It's a lot there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I bet he doesn't like Kamala. Let's see that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Kick out of them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And then you lay down, you cover your eyes, which I'm a big fan of. I love eye covers. And you're comfortable. Yeah. And then sounds begin.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I want to see. I'd like it too. This is like when your dad explains politics to you. Yeah. I'd like to see him lose his shit. Not my dad. Oh, that's a cool American flag shirt.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Wow, he's wearing that in a lot of videos.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's a big one. Yeah, that's a big one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, I don't think you're wrong. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
This is posted in June.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Real happy though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Hashtag business. so cool fucking asshole fucking guy fieri 70 dollars oh boy yeah he's a real i think that's really the only time he's lost his shit in any of these we just really got him at a time that he really did not what's about popeyes he's got around here let's see
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
We just see the container.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What does this guy want prices to be?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't understand what he thinks everything should cost.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Who can afford these ridiculous fast food prices? Nobody can afford this. This is why they are going out of business.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I don't know. I don't think so. There's very few around anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay. What is his advice? Because he's a business page. Is his advice like, look, start a business. Never charge a lot for anything. And then you'll be good. How does he advise people? Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I like that it answers to you like that. No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Is it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's focused on expanding its franchise footprint, innovating its menu, investing in marketing and digital, and looking to captivate. Captive dining audiences in airports as a source of customers and also their prices are going to remain at $3 for full pizzas and entire meals. Following the I allegedly business footprint. You believe these fucking prices? This pizza was $11. Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Who the fuck can afford this shit?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Can you go back to his thing? Can you scroll to the top?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What is this? Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know, he's going to have more now. Some things haven't been proven yet. Is this like a Third Eagle of the Apocalypse type? I love his artwork. He's a serial entrepreneur, small business advisor, YouTuber.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The interesting thing is some of those spirits sort of sounded like Mexican kitchen workers that were in the room next door. I was like, wow, are the sound spirits named Jose and Maria?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
In my career, I've survived the crash of 2000, 2008, 2020, all through the ups and downs. I've learned not just to survive but thrive. In my experience, tough economic times always provides new opportunities. I'm what's known as a connected marketer. I help businesses raise money and get connected as strategic partners. What?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You've got to fucking redesign this page, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's all about saving a buck, but sometimes you've got to spend a few to make it look like you didn't build this in fucking 1996.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He's got 300,000 subscribers.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Okay. I've been banned for life from Walmart. What the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Scanning? Okay. Are we still, if this is still the Ashley story, I'm going to absolutely die.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Open the door.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Don't steal or you'll get a ban from Walmart. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He said, oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's insane. All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Good luck with your page, sir. It's very interesting that you're doing all that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yes. So as you know, or if you don't know, you go to a drive-thru. Hopefully it's a coffee place, like a Starbucks or something. You use either a British Cockney accent or an accent of your choosing. You say happy birthday. You say I love you. And you just see how it goes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's so... It's so stupid. It's so dumb to hand somebody a chip and be like, happy birthday. And they're like, okay. It's not, but yeah. Happy birthday. Thank you. Happy birthday, love.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And we were like, oh, okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So good. Thanks, James.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
But then I would lose myself in it again.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I felt like he either is British or has like British parents or something. I know. Because he had the little like kind of colloquialisms in there.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
His accent is all over the place. He just dropped it completely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Is it your birthday? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The long ah was great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
So you would also get real loud. Boom, boom, boom. Whoa. And then you'd hear it fade to the next person.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I think I'll add.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, a long pause is great. See how long we could get those pauses? Yeah. Oh, my God. Those are great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Wow. That was fucking awesome. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. You'll like this for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, this is definitely not a cry for attention, wearing a fucking house as a hat.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know your ultimate dream is to see me as Robert Smith. Of course. But then we also, one of your other, one of your favorites of all time, Peter Murphy. Of course. This side-by-side's pretty crazy. Let's see.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
His eyes look really good, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And is it that he has good eyelashes too? Of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Is that eyeliner or is that eyelashes?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Maybe I should start doing eyeliner every day. Right? Isn't that like a cool idea?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sure, I'll try it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, I mean, it's been one of my dreams.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He looks really good, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
But somebody was kind of the leader in that department. Do you remember who that was? Is it me? That was you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I am. I'm thinking. I'm trying to figure out a way that we could do it. Okay. Ready for a vibe shift? I love Peter Murphy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Imagine you're about to board a flight and you're like, what the fuck?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I wouldn't call it support. It was probably the boldest thing. Yeah. that I don't even know if you were aware that you did it because it was so offensive, that somebody was outdoors reading a book by a fire pit, clearly in just the most relaxed, enjoyable state. This woman was... She was at peace. She was reading outside. The climate was cool, but it was nice. The fire, and she's reading a book.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know, I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What is it, Portola?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, you learned a life lesson.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
No, that's not the life lesson. You should be afraid of black chicks. No. No. No, you got to read a room and you got to know when to shut up. Yeah, that's the lesson.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I remember middle school in Milwaukee. And, you know, it was a similar experience. But I already knew.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
The most violent fighting I ever saw was actually with white boys, though.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That I witnessed? Yeah. Like bludgeoning. Yeah, white boys get crazy. There was another guy who was just like commenting, I think. Not even like in a... I think this guy was talking about another guy's girlfriend and not in a grotesque way. It was just that he was talking about her and the boyfriend felt threatened by this. He was like, stop talking about my girl.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And just in the middle of the hall in front of everybody, Like punched him and then got on top and just started like wailing. Like when you see like a UFC fight and they're just like bow, bow. And you saw blood like shooting out of the guy's face. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
A lot. Not all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There's some crazy white guys.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There's a lot of trashy whites. Trashy whites. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, Asians fight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And you walked right next to her and farted in her face. You farted in her face. And your ass was at her face level. And you just were like, hope you're enjoying the book. I didn't say that. Like right in her face, basically. And she just went like...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I never saw an Asian kid fight.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
But I know that right now there's definitely people listening and watching being like, bro.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I saw fucking Dat Nguyen fuck this kid up. Like they just are yelling at them. Dat Nguyen. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, for sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, a thousand percent.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, let's get some cool Asian stories. Asian fight bullying stories. It's a nice thing to just put into the universe. Hey, did you witness an Asian kid beat the shit out of somebody?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Wait, Tanner, you saw this fight? God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You know that this, by the way, always reminds me of when I saw this orthopedic surgeon after I broke my arm and my leg snapped playing ball. And he goes, and I was all fucked up. I was like, huh? And he goes, you're lucky. I go, lucky? He goes, well, you could have hit the back of your head, and then you'd be eating through a straw for the rest of your life. I was like, okay, cool. I'm lucky.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Because he's like, you could have landed on your head, man.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Nothing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Spirit, man. I'm telling you. You're like, no, service industry is cool. No, it's not. It's fucking dog shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, of course.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
high birth i saw a clip of a guy by the way talking about he was a basketball player talking about you know when you played this position yeah he goes yeah you know as a there's when there's when you play i forget if it was like guard or 40 he's like you know there's a stigmatism associated with playing that position yeah and everybody was like right right right like nobody
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
As a small forward, there's always a stigmatism that we don't put the ball on the floor a lot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Did you notice her before you did that? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Sorry, I'm freaking you the fuck out. Try to listen to the words and not look at me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Of course she knows.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
oh shit oh that was cool imagine if that was your partner partner yeah you mean your gay partner there's people like this this is usually in women you see yeah i feel like i've seen bitches like this where you're like close your eyes do you close your eyes fucking isn't that crazy she can't go she either goes close or this there is no in between also there's like no way to resolve that you can't be like hey fix this
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She's got an issue. She's got a problem. Listen, as a middle-aged man, there's a stigmatism involved.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Vibrations are what she felt too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
i.e the male sex contempt for men i know a bunch of bitches like this i know i feel like that's being popular right now yeah yeah it's usually a bunch of busted ass hoes who can't find anyone to that's true welcome anyway it's never it's never a broke busted ugly ass yeah it's never hot chicks they're like i hate men it's like no dude that were thrown to the side because they look like dogs yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It merited an apology, just so you know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Would you marry your son?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Absolutely.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You should have been like, I'm so embarrassed. Excuse me. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I saw the clip. I don't know if we have it of somebody. She's like, well, I need to know what my options are. And he goes, how old are you? And she was like, 43. He goes, none. And she goes, I'm... He goes, none.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Next. He goes, she's like, I have three kids. He goes, none, none. Are you hearing me? None. Nothing. Nope. Nothing. She goes, I have no options. He's like, no. Okay, you're 43. You got three kids. Who the fuck would want you? Who the fuck wants you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Jesus Christ.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, well, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You farted in her face. Yeah. Her whole week got ruined. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I love toilets. I love shitting in my toilet.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
You can just go out in the yard. And wave at the neighbors and take your shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Nothing's stopping you from doing this. I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's true. Lack of readily accessible toilets, deeply ingrained cultural norms that accept the practice. It's fine. It's not a big deal. Poverty, inadequate sanitation infrastructure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I actually always think about like when you're thinking about this open defecation is the cleanup, the wiping. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Really? Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All Muslim countries?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Go ahead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, that's considered very, yeah. So you got dookie on it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, no. Open defecation.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Good for them. I think it's causing some issues. This is why she's giving a speech.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
still open defecate yeah they just haven't learned how to use a toilet oh that's a big thing in mainland china yeah so a lot of mainlanders that shit just anywhere will visit like beijing or macau or hong kong or you know shanghai and they're they're rural chinese and they go into the big city then they're like i gotta shit i'm just gonna drop my pants right here and shit on the floor of this mall and then they're like no no no no no no no no no no
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Thank you so much for being on my side here. I mean, you pushed it out. It wasn't like, oh, how did this happen? You pushed it out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Would you marry your dad?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's true.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
AI analysis?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, but why is AI analysis?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And they're like, that's not her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I did a little extra journey. I met a cool local named Sage. And they have the coolest names there. Echo, Sage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Who's Jean-Michel?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, I know that you're very... I would love to hear firsthand this account of how...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Brigitte Macron is really Jean-Michel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
A man. Who's fucking a boy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Why is she staking her career on this, though? Why is this so interesting to her?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Big whoop. Back up one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Women who falsely claimed Bridget Macron is transgender.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And I smoked DMT with him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Oh, you're saying that those are the same.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And like Candace says... But wait, but I'm saying, what's the way to... Don't believe your eyes. Why do people care? Oh, sorry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. And I got to say, visual journey.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Have you been talking to Sam Tripoli?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I agree. I agree.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All right. I want to hear the full story. Can we do some talks? These are talks. I'm the talk. We got to go, man. What are you doing?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Hi. I'm Marta.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I was scared as shit. I was scared too. And he was like, no, dude, you're not. Because I was just thinking, I always compare like something like that, anything that's presented to me like mushrooms or like ayahuasca, anything I always think of edibles. And I'm like- man, you know how a strong edible will fucking like wreck you? So I was like, that's all I keep going.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
What the, what?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Very cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Got it, yeah. This weird furry thing. I think Ikea was just like, here's an animal mask.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Well, yeah, you see what you want to see. That's why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Satanic. I think Brigitte is a woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Annie? She said the government. The government. Would you smash? She's got nice teeth.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
She's got nice teeth, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Awesome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Come hang out.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That was really cool.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
He gave out a location where he'll be for three hours. If anyone wants to come hang out, then I'll autograph this. What the fuck? So cool. If anybody could let us know if you bought the gonorrhea boy shirt, I would love to know. All right. This was a lot of fun today. It was really fun. We got to get going though. We have a lot to do now. Lots of stuff to prepare. Busy. Okay. We love you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That's my, for whatever reason, that's my reference point. I was like, I was like, oh man. Cause people talk about like breakthroughs and, and you know, these journeys. I'm like, is this going to be like a fucking 200 milligram edible? He kept saying no, but like also like, yeah, but, but prepare yourself. You know, I was like, All right. And I was worried about it. And I was like, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah. Just like the gays. All right, I'm ready. I feel good now. You got it. Just like the gays. Just like the gays.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And so we sat by this fire pit. There was no one farting and we just sat there. What's the point? I know. And then I guess DMT, pure DMT has a lower burning point.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
That like the you don't need a high flame for it to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I mean, I didn't think of crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I put it in a pipe.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, so he was like, you ever smoke crack? And I was like, yeah. Who has it? And so what they do is they put the DMT in, they pack it around weed so that the weed kind of burns around it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Like white, yeah, like crack. Like crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I think I'd marry my dad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
There it is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
It's just like cool crack.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I guess you can. I'd rather do that. But I think it burns easier if you have the – that's what it was told. I'm not the expert.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
For sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
I know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Oh, I'm scared. This is my first time. So I've been offered the pens before. I haven't done it. But anyway, he was like, you know, he's like, get naked. And I was like, okay. And he's like, you know, I'll sit on your lap. This will make you relax.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
And a massage, sexual massage. No, totally not sexual, actually. It's not sexual. You just rub each other's prostate, and you're like, all right, I'm ready, I'm ready. Is Will Blunderfeld there? No, no, no, not like that. So we kiss a little bit, and then he gives me the pipe. And...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays. Just like, just like the gays.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, he goes, take three hits. Three hits? Yeah, he goes, after the second one, you're not going to want the third one, but you need the third one. That's what he said.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, I was like, okay. So I pulled the first one. He was like, ooh, that's a good pull. And then I was like, gosh. Second one, he's like, and now the third. Do that third. Dang. I was like, okay. And I did the third, and...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
yeah you go like I felt like something was like holding you down in the seat like I couldn't really move sounds terrible you were you were in a chair yeah I was in a chair comfortable okay so you're like you go back in your chair like heroin kind of you're like and you feel heavy Yeah, kind of, yeah. Yeah, kind of heavy in the head and I couldn't open my eyes. Did that scare you?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
No, because the visuals started to become like really cool. In your brain. Yeah. Like you're popping in your brain. Yeah, you're seeing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
All kinds of shapes and colors and, you know, I saw a bunch of like, I saw this red caterpillar that had like fire going around it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Tell me the truth. I swear.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Yeah, a red one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
Like fire red, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798
yeah and things were like moving and then bones that were turning in circles and then i was like really enjoying it and then one time he was uh oh we did it a second time so then he was like i don't know if you really got the full thing let's do it again so we did it a second time and he put more in there and then on the second time i was really like whoa seeing all this shit and then he goes wait after i was over he's like what you see there i go why he goes you went like this
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Not everybody could do this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I'm 40 pounds lighter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
And if she let me eat her booty, yeah, I'ma eat her booty.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
He doesn't.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Your mom's house live.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
God, they were big.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, this is either going to make me cry or mad. What's going to happen? No, I think you'll like it. It's nice. I think we should all watch this together. Oh, my God. My name is Nadav Itzkowitz. I am a producer here at YMH Studios. Get ready to have a good, fun show in Chumash. You don't think he's okay? You think he went to work the next day? I think he's totally fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You can't get too much cum in those balls. You get too much cum in your bladder.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
What amount of money would you pay to permanently hurt me?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I just want to hurt me bad. One. Have you ever fallen in love with a dog? Yes. What were the attributes that person had that made you fall in love? I think it was talking shit to me. You surround yourself with such bullshit. What is your favorite movie? So the story is about Nick King. Oh, my God. He's a dumb piece of shit.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Yeah, I don't like those, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I am a fucking Jew. Lord knows I'm not a fan of this J shit. What's your new name going to be? Patty O'Callaghan. What's getting the dog baptized?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You're fucking dead.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just an outside dog who keeps shitting inside.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Did the dog do bad? Why does he have a job?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Hurry up and find that shit You fucking Jew
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You know what I'm saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh my god. You know what I'm saying? It's because of his hair and shit. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? As a stripper or anything. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's what you're saying.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
This is a big, big episode.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Jesus.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh my god Bella He's like your beautiful woman
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Welcome to your mom's house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
With Tom Segura.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Oh, my God.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Welcome.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Welcome to your podcast.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
You want to be a motherfucker.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The High and Tight 800th Episode | Your Mom's House Ep. 800
Yeah.