Tom Segura

I've been noticing I've been saying y'all a lot lately, and I have a few issues with that.

My first issue is that I'm not from that part of Virginia.

My second issue with it is I stopped saying it when I was a kid, because I got made fun of at church for saying it.

And yes, it was a Catholic church.

Catholics are horrible people.

I should know, I'm one of them.

And you can tell I'm a practicing Catholic because I don't go to church.

I try to get to confession, but every time I get walking in the right direction, I end up getting turned around by some Latter-day Saints.

So I'm assuming that's how I ended up here.

But I can say this.

Going to Catholic church as a child has benefited me greatly for one thing as an adult, and that is, it's given me incredible dick-sucking posture.

Sit, stand, kneel.

And I can say that joke in good taste because when I went to Catholic church, I didn't identify as a little boy.

Thank you.

I'm guessing you... I wore my crucifix just for you.

Thank you.

They took my duckies backstage.

The only time I deny Jesus, Tony, is when I need to get stoned.

Don't tell anybody.

Less than two years.