2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mon, 21 Apr 2025
Check out Bert's new special "Lucky" streaming on Netflix! The 2 Bears, 5K in Tampa is less than 2 weeks away! Sign up at https://www.2bears5k.com/#intro SPONSORS: - Shop data plans at https://MINTMOBILE.com/BEARS. - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears. - Brought to you by BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to get 10% off your first month. This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert Kershire and Tim Segura are hooked up to IV's as they recover from their gay bar takeover and all the love the received from all those hungry bears. They talk Instagram FOMO, the magic of minority women making meals for their husbands, a chola influencer named La Sleep that Bert is obsessed with, and the performative nature of social media. They also talk about the appeal of the Kelce brothers to gays, share the unique name of a cocktail that was invented at the takeover, debate which group of people gives the best compliments, and finally they tackle the subject of sampling your own sauce, which means exactly what you think it means. Enjoy the show! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 285 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:56 - Post Takeover IV Drip 00:08:56 - Watches 00:15:31 - Car Guys & Dogs 00:21:15 - Bert Is A Mexican Woman 00:28:28 - Gay Black Couple Meals 00:33:10 - The Cholo Life 00:36:51 - Instagram FOMO 00:45:51 - Gay Compliments 00:53:53 - Kelce Bears, UTI's, & Sampling Your Own Sauce 01:01:22 - Clip: Drinking An Ari Cocktail 01:08:35 - How Much To Taste? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who are the hosts and what is this episode about?
My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.
The Two Bears 5K is less than two weeks away. And listen, you can come in person or you can run virtually. First of all, though, you have to sign up at TwoBears5K.com.
And here's the best part, when the race is over, we've got free samplings of Poroso's garage beers, sending us some beers. We've got other sponsors sending us a bunch of free stuff, and we're going to be partying on the infield. We've got music, we've got cold plunge, we've got saunas, we've got everything.
It's a full party, and whether you come and run with us in person or virtually, you're going to get your shirts, your sweatbands, you get your medals. Come participate. Sign up whether you do it in person or virtually. 2bears5k.com. Sign up now.
Chapter 2: What is the story behind the post-takeover IV drips?
Hey, guys, brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. It's me and Tommy and our health regimen. We believe wholeheartedly in IVs. Giving us our IV today is Coco. Coco is about to stick Tom. If you have a fear of needles, turn your head. Run that timer, boys. You know, the majority of people have this as their biggest fear. Needles? Needles. Here we go. I love watching it. Boom.
She's good, isn't she? Yeah. I've actually never seen one go in right there.
No? No. Well, we had a big juicy one there, so it was like, pick me, pick me.
Do you ever hear of Christian McCaffrey's story of getting one? Christian? Christian McCaffrey? No. So his dad used to get IVs every day before big games for him. He'd take him to go get him an IV. Yeah. One time, Christian McCaffrey, he's like fucking 12. His dad was a savage. Yeah, his dad really prepped him. And the guy missed the vein. And his arm, Coco, you've heard of this?
Oh, no.
And Christian McCaffrey's like, Dad? Dad? And his dad's like, take it out. Let's go. Let's go. And he gets in the car and he's like, Dad? He's like, never mind. These IVs are a bad idea.
I think he had him on nutrition plans and his training regimen from the NFL that Ed was doing. Yeah. But when he was a kid, it's insane. You got to do that with your boys.
Yeah, sure. If I could start over, I would have taught one girl. I would have had one of my daughters be a nurse and the other be a masseuse. Hey, Coco, Coco, how good are IVs for you? They're amazing for you. They're amazing for you. 100% of that is going into your bloodstream. And this is going into our cells.
Yeah, this is like... And we're getting glutathione, which is... It is good... It's good for your liver.
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Chapter 3: Why are Bert and Tom discussing luxury watches and Rolex?
You're like, ah, fuck, I'm getting sick. Four or five times in the last year, it's been day one. And I got a heavy NAD like two, three days in a row and just, it went away. And I'm like, holy shit. And I tried to, I want to tell people that because dude, like I have seen it multiple times now where like, I know I'm about to be sick for two weeks and And it's like, oh, I just didn't get sick.
This is where I'm going to sound out of touch to our fans. I don't know what an IV costs. And I get them every week. I get one a week. And I'll tell you, anyone listening. My blood work came back like two months ago.
Yeah.
And partying, still partying, still on a vodka. Best numbers I'd ever had. And I said, well, I hadn't drank in a couple days. And Denise said, it takes 100 days to change a biomarker. So it's not that. It's whatever you're doing. And I was like, it's fucking IVs. Do you know who put me onto this? Chappelle. Oh, yeah. Chappelle owns his own IV company.
You're with Chappelle and he's like, yo, you want an IV? I go, it's two in the morning. He's like, that's okay. Someone shows up in their pajamas with rubber gloves on. And ever since then, I've been that. So if you're like me and you party, what's the cheapest you can get an IV for? Depends what's in it, right?
It really depends. Like, the most basic trip is probably around $200. But it also depends where you are. You know, bigger cities, they might market up a little more than little towns.
Do you know Tech N9ne? Tech N9ne owns an IV company. Tech N9ne does? Tech N9ne owns an IV company. Dude, I'm telling you right now. Hang on. Jordan owns your company, right? Yes. I'm not fucking around. I want to start an IV company just so I can get a deal on IVs. I get IVs every other... I think there's probably a different way to get a deal. Will you do fractional franchising? There you go.
For $25,000. I've already looked into a fractional franchise. All I need is a brick and mortar, and I'm thinking about buying a building to start an IV company just so I can get fucking IVs cheap.
Tell Jordan we said what's up and thank you, please. I sure will.
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Chapter 4: What do Bert and Tom say about Mexican women and their cooking traditions?
Probably.
Because I said, what kind of watch do you wear because you're so big? How small is a toothbrush in his mouth? Yeah. Well, yeah, I know, right? You ever sit on a toilet and your dick hits the porcelain? Yeah. How the fuck does he shit? Every time he shits, he's holding his balls. And he's just like... But he goes, Invictus. Invictus is a great line of watches.
They really are. Yeah, he's... He also owns a plane. Did you tell him that when he said to get your money back? He bought a Challenger. He did? Yeah.
Hey, man, get your money back. Just buy plane tickets. Dude, can we pivot and talk about Mexican women? Sure. Coco, are you Mexican? No, I really think I am. What are you? Oh, old school.
I saw a clip of you on. Yeah, look at your eyes. I saw a clip of you.
Yeah, speed me up.
On Rogan saying you speak Spanish because everybody in Florida speaks Spanish. Yeah. Did you also say you speak Italian? Claro.
No, I don't. Maybe I do. Did you say that though? No, I don't speak Italian. I speak Spanish. I speak enough. Apparently, I don't speak good Spanish. Well, yeah, you were just in Spain, right? Yeah, I was in Spain. And apparently, my Spanish sounds a lot like me ice need. How would you say it? Yo necesito ice. I mean, okay. You get a part of it, right? Yeah. Yo necesito frio. I need cold.
There we go. Okay. George is like, dad, you're not speaking what you think you're speaking. And I'm like, are you serious? He's like, buddy, you sound horrific. But you said it with full confidence. I say it with very confidence.
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Chapter 5: How do gay black couples prepare meals and what makes their food unique?
Yeah. Guess what we're going to start? Let's start a new secret handshake. Secret handshake? We're going to do signs of the cross on each other. Okay. Okay. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers. And traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which...
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You're talking to a guy who's been in therapy a lot. And the first time I got into therapy, I remember saying to the therapist, do you own your home? And she said, why does that matter? I said, well, as long as you have a mortgage rate, I'm going to have problems. I couldn't get past me giving her money because I was like, she's going to perpetuate this. That's what's great about BetterHelp.
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Visit betterhelp.com slash bears to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears. It's a whole line of these. Dude, I am obsessed. I'm obsessed. Mexican culture just really got to me this week. Yeah.
It's an awesome. Look at this. Do you go to Mexico?
I've been to Mexico.
No, I mean like regularly?
No.
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Chapter 6: Who is La Sleepy and why is she a notable influencer?
He gave me Vyvanse. Oh, fuck, yeah. Yeah, and by the way. Hold on. Did she just make a fucking salsa real quick? Yeah, she did. Yeah. She's just making her sauces. Yeah. She's making sauces for her husband right now. Which nothing. She just made a homemade queso. This is, dude, Mexican women fucking rock.
And all I'll say is if you're a black woman and you're listening to this show, number one, I'm shocked. Number two, number two, yo, post your video. I want to see black women making lunches for their husbands. And now I want to see white women making lunches for their husbands. And this is a game show I would fucking invest in. It's called Which Race is Better. It's called Race Wars.
And it's, look at this. She's making fucking enchiladas. For her husband, she's wearing rubber gloves and he puts his fingers inside her and she's still wearing rubber gloves. Look at this. My God. Oh, different. Yeah. Sauces. Oh, it's the fucking Mexican flag, Tom. It's the fucking Mexican flag. It's the fucking Mexican flag. It's really beautiful the way she did it, too.
I'm ashamed of being white right now. Oh, it's not the first time. Look at this. I bet that rice is so soft. Oh, it's all delicious. Oh, she's making churros. Is she making fucking churros? Tom, it's the Mexican fucking flag, Tom. It's the Mexican fucking flag, Tom.
I know. This is a, oh my God. I could watch homemade salsas being made on a loop. Okay, okay. You ever make homemade salsa?
No. Oh my God. Look at this. Look at this. Can I tell you the only... I'll tell you right now, there's one gay couple... How is this guy not 400 pounds? I mean, I can tell you how. He fucking moves his body for 13 hours a day. Guys fucking... Jesus Christ. I gave the guys... Okay, hold on. You gotta find the gay black couple... I don't know what their names are.
The gay black couple that make food for each other. One's like a queen. He's got long nails. And the other's like power bottom. Like he's a fucking man. And he's like, hi. And he claps his nails like this. And he's like, that's him. You fucking found him right first shot. First shot. First shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Tom, this guy's awesome.
So for today, I made you hot honey sliders with mac and cheese. Enjoy.
That's a ton of food, bro. I know, right? But watch him eat. It's so fucking sensual. He's big about his pickles. Yeah. You watch this a lot? I watch this a lot. He's so happy. Wait till you see him eat the mac and cheese. Now, how is he not 400 pounds? I think he fucking slams this dude night and day. Just fucks all the weight off of him? Dude, this couple confuses me so much.
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Chapter 7: How does Instagram FOMO affect Bert and Tom's mindset?
That's insane. Bro, I kind of want to watch them fuck. You can. I bet I can. See if they have an OnlyFans. They have an OnlyFans. We're going to it right now. By the way, can I tell you what I love about black men? Not these black men.
They have 8.7 million followers. What the fuck? On TikTok? Real J. Lynn?
Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans. He's the nail king. Please have an OnlyFans. No, fuck. By the way, real J. Lynn, that's 25 bucks right there you missed out on. Now, I guess you don't. I just am suggesting that I want to watch you and your husband fuck. So I guess maybe that's something you want to keep private.
But wait, do you think anyone's ever gone on my face?
This guy's eating an insane amount of.
Oh, look at the green one. Go to the green one. That's not fucking broccoli. That's not broccoli.
What do you think that is, Tommy? It says, bro, they done fried Duolingo.
Before you ask, I already got an appointment for Friday, so it's covered. Do you need me to pay for it? No, I got it. You sure? Yeah. So for today, I made you St. Patrick's Day fried tenders with a loaded baked potato and, of course, special sauce on the side. Enjoy.
Look at that fucking tender.
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Chapter 8: What does 'sampling your own sauce' mean and why is it discussed?
Yeah, sure.
God, what's her fucking name?
La Sleepy. La Sleepy. La Sleepy. Okay. La Sleepy. Lost Sleepy. Yeah, go down. Lost Sleepy. That first one there? I think it is. I think it is. Nope, that's not her. It's Lost Sleepy. Okay. Lost Sleepy. That's Lost Sleepy. That's fucking Lost Sleepy. Okay.
Oh, fuck yes.
Fuck you, Lost Sleepy. Hang on, hang on. Go, scroll down. Lost Sleepy? There, get into the middle one. The middle one, the middle one, the middle one. I love this shit. Turn on the music. Nothing but good vibes at the Whittier Boulevard Cruise. Oh, shit. It's that chola life, man. Dude, I love it. I think it's so fucking cool. You scroll her page, they got her with her cars.
She's got, oh, look at Tokyo, Tokyo. I love this. I don't do enough of this. Posting up.
You want to start doing videos like this?
I want to start doing videos like this. This is so fucking sexy. They love the oldies, man. Are we almost done? Yeah. Nice. I love this. Look at him. Mm-hmm.
I see that, yeah. The old school cars with the old school jams. I love it. Look at Le Sleepy.
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