Bert Kreischer
Appearances
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, what haven't we shared on social? I tweet once a week now, maybe twice a week because I know you're in competition with these people that don't stop tweeting all day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We lose an hour. You got six weeks on the road doing all material that they're going to see in the special. It was backwards. So wait a second. I'm going to go on the road for a year to work on a material that they're going to see on Netflix or any other platform. Something wasn't right. That's why I said you... You finish that TV show and then you stay in L.A.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you hit all those spots every night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's a different story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a way different story. And listen, when you're doing it, you don't realize it's the best thing you're ever going to do is raise a child, whether it's a boy or a girl. You're raising them. We came from L.A., you know, and I hate to harp on this, but it's the truth. We came from a society where we were around a lot of broken women. Broken, whatever they call that shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's you driving to the shittiest open mic on a Tuesday and getting on stage. That's what you always want to do. We forgot all that. Look what's going on in the comedian world now. We're not comedians anymore. We're not comedians anymore. We're talking about politics. We're talking about this. We're having arguments with other people. At the end of the day, that's not what we got into this for.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Daddy issues, whatever the fuck it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I really looked at that when I got home and I looked at, she didn't like it. Mercy didn't like it too much. Mercy, it hit her when I wasn't home from Terry's birthday right before the pandemic and my sister-in-law came out. And they were like, we were all there, Dad, except for you. You have to stop it with this road shit, you know, different weeks. And I thought about it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, what the fuck does she know about life? She doesn't know anything about bills. My fucking bridge broke. They want 20 Gs. I got no fucking teeth. The thing broke. What does she know about 20 Gs? We got to go out and kill 20 fucking Puerto Ricans to get 20 Gs. Yeah. And I thought about what she was saying, and then things started happening to me in other avenues. The weed company came.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got signed by DraftKings. There was all these opportunities. I said, Joey, this is your chance. The universe is giving you a chance to regroup your life and figure out how to work it as a dad. You know, because we didn't plan on being dads. It just happened. And now we're getting busier than ever. Now, you know, nobody wants you to do all this shit, but we have to do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's my fucking job, you know. And people have no idea that once you're in it, you're in it. The reason why I'm not at the level I was as a comic five years ago is because I'm not in it no more. If I get on stage twice a week, it's a lot. I was at a point where I was doing, you know, we do 15 sets a week without even knowing. Without even thinking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You walk into a place, you're like, you want to get up? Yeah, and all that shows, you know, all that shows.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It shows everywhere, and I could tell sometimes I struggle on stage, and that's because I don't have what I had available to me in L.A. The thing I did was, when I left L.A., that I didn't know I had done, Bert, is I actually kissed my career goodbye. You think?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I went, right before we left, I went to the store one day by myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I just sat on the stairs. There was nobody there. Town was locked up for COVID. And I just sat there and I realized what the fuck had happened the last 23 years. Like, what the fuck happened? One minute we're up here starving, Ralphie Mae. We're fucking chipping in to get a turkey. And the next thing you know, you're pulling up to the store and there's 10 Lamborghinis out there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're like, what? How did this even happen?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So listen, the Stones don't travel at 80. They travel first class. They don't even stay together. They bring a fucking doctor with them on the road. He's shooting them with testosterone. He's giving them gummies. When you could travel like that, how would you travel? I'd have somebody pull me in a cart if I could. You know what I'm saying? If you made that type of money on the road.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When you get older, you realize you blew a lot of fucking money. I always like IMDB. I'm a big fan of IMDB. I'm a big fan of going to IMDB when somebody's rocking and rolling and seeing all the people they're paying. Attorney, publicist, this, that. It's like a row of eight or nine people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then when the show ends, give it about a month, and they get that reality call from the accountant saying, hey, let me tell you something. I don't know what you think you got, but let me tell you what you got. And next week, you see all those people disappear. The attorney, the publicist, they're down to one fucking agent because you're shooting a movie, but you're paying eight people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We got into this for, listen, I'm going to tell you what for. To get my dick sucked, to travel, and to do drugs. I got married. That was the end of getting your dick sucked. You got a girlfriend. You move in. You can't get your dick sucked. That's part of going on the road. Oh, well, I could still do drugs. Okay? And then one day you stop doing drugs. And you're like, what am I doing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
3% to an attorney, God knows how much to a publicist, 10% to a fucking agent, and 15% to a manager. But meanwhile, everybody thinks that we're walking around like Cheech Bastiche, that we just fucked. And I had a guy question me one time, well, you made this on YouTube. I go, do you not have taxes? Do you not have commissions? You understand all this, right? Oh, we didn't think about that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, people have no fucking idea what you make and what goes out. I put everything on an Amex. So my wife has to pay it off at the end of every month. Business expenses, restaurant, the ferry I took. And you look at that now compared to what I was blowing in LA. Oh, Jesus. Holy shit. Three weeks a month, first class tickets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's that hotel for you, hotel for the people that you bring them with you because they don't give you money for that in the theater. All that shit. You're dropping 50K a month on Amex. I would see the Amex bills and go, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's fucking horrible. The expenses is what people don't see. Whether you have a podcast studio.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They even were taxing us on podcasts in L.A. Did you get that, Bill? No. Yeah, like 18 fucking, they were taxing us for some business thing. Really? Yeah. We were getting hit from all fucking over. Meanwhile, you're thinking you're Johnny Bastiche. You're buying dinners and fucking, you know, living like Ralphie May before you punch the ticket.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those clips that come up from time to time, they're fucking really funny. Dude. I feel bad. He didn't get this. No. He didn't get to see this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. 20 years ago, 2005, 2006, he started doing theaters. And he had it down to a fucking science.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he had a tour bus. That's right. He had a shotgun on there and machine guns and Uzis. It's just weird to see, you know, when we got to L.A., We saw these people who were rocking and rolling like, that's never going to be me. And then all of a sudden, you start seeing the people around you blowing up. And then one day, you just, I don't know what happened. That's what I had to think about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What really happened to me those 23 years? And I think that when I left L.A., those stares that day, I was like, I'm not in the major leagues anymore. That's for starters. I'm not in the major leagues. I don't live in L.A. no more. New York has a great comedy scene or whatever, but I've already done that. I wrestled with doing spots in the city because it's like I've already done that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like I've already been in a club where I developed in there and started. I don't want to do that again. But I might have to. I might have to start coming over here. I miss coming over here. This is fucking great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm coming out here because I used to do the road to do drugs. You know, I got a wife. She doesn't want to see me coked up. So I would hold off all week and then go off when I went to Houston or anywhere I went. Yeah. So the fun went out of it. I just wanted, after the pandemic, I'm like, thank God this happened. Thank God. I don't want to do nothing. They kept calling me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't like walking with food in my stomach. So that's not going to happen. If I don't park up front, I'm not eating there because I don't like taking that hike.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I fucking get sick. Like I just hyperventilated some shit. I can't fucking do it. With food in my stomach, a steak, I don't want to walk. I'm not fucking Lewis and Clark. I don't want to walk nowhere. I want the car right outside for everything. I'm at a point in my life where I want the car right outside for everything. That puts a big damper on all my plans.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a restaurant I love, but you know why I don't go there? Valet parking. I got shit in the car. Right. I got shit in the car. I don't want somebody sitting in my car. And I could park up front, and I won't go there just because of the valet. You know, when I used to go to Dodger games, I'd buy that up front parking. Oh, fuck, yeah. And you walk right in, and your tickets are right there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck, I love all that shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
People invite me to all these things here. I'm not walking in Giant Stadium. Have you been to Yankee Stadium? No. Oh. You'll be walking from now to fucking Tuesday. Really? I don't want to do that walking. I want to walk in, sit down, and mind my fucking business. Once you include walking in it, you lost.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's set up the dates for July. Call me when it's over. Okay? I'm like Green Day. Call me when it's over. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't want to. And now I love it again. And I love it to the point where at night I have to go, Joey, you're not going to the city.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, forever. I go to Philadelphia to watch a game. You walk right in. You got an Italian ice. Somebody calls you. And you're in Philadelphia. You're like, thank you. You're fucking from Jersey. Ah, thank you. Good to see you. You know, everything else is a fucking hike. I don't like it. They built a mall, American Mall here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to walk a mile from the parking lot just to get to the mall, and then it's another two miles to get something to eat. I don't need to go there. I see stairs now, and I get fucking anxiety. Like, I see stairs, and I'm like, that just might not happen. This might not happen. This might not happen. I'm not in the mood. My knee hurts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I just started shooting the thing in my knee again. What was that? Stem cells? No. I'm going to shoot stem cells next month in Austin. I just started shooting the BPC-157, the Wolverine, in my knee because it was starting to bother me. And it was great. My knee was doing great. And then I got sick. And those two and a half weeks in the hospital for some reason.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I was in the hospital for three fucking weeks this year. Wait, what happened? I have no fucking idea, Burt. They figured out it's called hypoxia or some shit where your lungs fill up with liquid and you cannot breathe. I mean, dog, I'm not scared of anything. This was scary.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought I'm like, ah, well, when I eat mushrooms, my heart beats or something. And then I got sick. And it was funny because I said, you know what? I'm going to stop smoking dope. Now, you know me a long time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And after New Year's, I said, you know what? I'm wasting my time with marijuana anymore. It ain't California. I got to be on a website every night to see who's got my weed so I can go there in the morning, stand on line, get it. And it just gets me high in the morning. My tolerance is off the fucking charts, you know? So I'm like, maybe I should give it a break. Well, a week later, I got the flu.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And two days later, I could not breathe. I mean, Bert, I would get up here, 20 steps, and I'd have to stop and fucking pee. I mean, and it's not like, Bert, where's your bathroom? Oh, no, no, no. I got to take my dick out right here and right now. It was terrible. Really? I would have to go home twice and change my sweats. You know, it was just a horrible experience.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't know what was... I went to... You know, what is it? Urgent care? Urgent care, yeah. I'm like, you should check into the hospital. Your oxygen level's low. I'm like, it's my daughter's birthday. I don't want her to come home from school when I'm in a fucking hospital. That's no birthday present for nobody. So I waited out for like two days. Then I couldn't breathe. I went in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're not going to get back till midnight or one that throws your whole week off. But that's where I am right now. I felt that we didn't take a break during the pandemic. You know, I mean, we didn't we kept podcasting. You know, we didn't take a break.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That time they kept me for a week. Couldn't figure out what it was. They drained my lungs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, they do light Lasix. They give you a thing in your vein to fucking take the water out of you. And you feel it immediately? You're peeing 20 ounces a shot. Really? Those bottles that they give you, I was peeing one every two hours. I was filling one of those things up. Everything comes out. I dropped like 30 fucking pounds. For real? Yeah, they took all the fluid out of you. Jesus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they would send me home, but I would do the same shit. I'd go home and start with the one-hitters. And then a week, two weeks later, I'm having a hard time breathing. Shit. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Or train. Oh, my God. It was to the point where I would have to do, like, a set of pull-downs and sit down. Fucking my face is turning red. So after the first hospital stay, they put that thing in my veins, in my arm, and went to your heart. And if you need a stent or a fucking balloon, they put it in there. When I woke up and the doctor's like, Joey, I don't know what to tell you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got a heart of a bull. You don't need anything. I'm like, what the fuck is this then? Because I kept thinking it was 27 years of cocaine. Something's going to malfunction at some point in your life. You know what I'm saying? I was starting to sound like RFK. I was all RFK'd up and shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i can't and then uh i came home again then i thought i had diverticulitis so i went back that time but diverticulitis but it wasn't diverticulitis and then i was like it i'm gonna go home i was going to the gym i'm eating good and this time that one week was just brutal and it was starting to scare my wife yeah and if there's something i don't like to do is scare my wife she's not from that school
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I'm going to tell you an example. The last three nights, I would walk from my basement to my bedroom, and I would have to keel on the floor, like stop and drop to the floor, catch my composure until I could pee, run to the bathroom, pee, and then the walk to the bed was killing me. And then I'd have to do one of those things, a treatment. The inhaler?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The inhaler with the fucking heat and all that shit. Oh, yeah. And if I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee, oh, boy, was it bad. Really? And that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, the Saturday night was the worst. My blood pressure went up to 212 over 110, and my oxygen went down to 86. It was 4 in the morning.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and i knew i had to go to a doctor i'm like i gotta go to a hospital but i didn't want to get the ambulance at four in the morning in front of my daughter yeah so i said i'll just go in the morning and i went the next morning and that's when we really they did a nuclear blood test and they found out that i was overloaded with fluid and blood cells red blood cells really because remember i did testosterone when i when mercy was first born i ended up in the hospital
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
with too many blood cells. So I knew what it was. I was taking MK-677. It's a peptide for recovery and sleep and makes you hungry as fuck. But you get fucking huge on that shit if you start lifting, yeah. And that stuff is like a growth hormone. It mimics a growth hormone. It's like my friend said. It's like Joe Rogan said. If you're going to do testosterone, do testosterone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you're going to do growth, do it. But don't do things that are going to stimulate that. Because somewhere it's going to backfire. And it backfired for me. And it would do like an insulin drop. My blood sugar would go up. My blood pressure would go up. So I got off that. And I haven't smoked again. I've been fine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've never fucking heard any of this. The first time I put a picture up and I got 9,000 calls. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, 9,000 calls. And I'm like, I can't tell people I'm in the fucking hospital. My phone will blow up all fucking day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so you, Joey. So I didn't want to tell people. Like, what do you do? Take a picture with tubes in your nose? Like, look at me. I'm in the hospital. And then people are like, oh, get well. Get the fuck out of here. You know, I'm not going to tell you I'm a narcissist. I'll tell you when I get out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why am I going to take pictures in the hospital and embarrass you? My daughter saw pictures like that. Fuck in the hospital? What's wrong with you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those last three nights were a little... Because now it went from me just hyperventilating and couldn't catch my breath and having a bad panic attack to me sweating. I was starting to sweat and my face was getting real fucking red. And I'm like, this ain't good. Your blood pressure's 212. That never ends well. That never fucking ends well. I said, fuck it. I went to a nutrition guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm eating fucking... I changed a lot of shit. Like, I had to.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had to eat a lot more arugula for my blood pressure. I had to fucking...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
eating that stuff and it's pretty fucking good after two weeks that shit sea shit you get from the ocean seaweed like seaweed something else I don't know what it's called sea moss yeah it's like pretty intense I got some stuff that's blueberry flavored and strawberry flavored and you fucking take it three times a day forget it hard ons everything comes back and that's what was crazy I was really sick but I was really horny laughing
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I enjoy the fans, and I enjoy seeing them and having a good time, but I just couldn't see myself doing this stuff. I was 65 every week. I didn't love it that much. I loved my family just a little bit more.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was fucking the weirdest thing. Like, I was never horny until I went to the hospital.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I couldn't bang one out in the hospital because I'm a Catholic. You can't bang one out in the hospital. It's just not right, you know. But I was fucking super horny, and I couldn't breathe. I'm like, even if I get pussy, I can't get a piece of pussy because I can't breathe. I'd just pump it one time, and I'd go and spin out into a panic attack. So, fuck it. It was a terrible birth. God. It was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those last three nights were like. Joey, you got to do something with your life. And I got up the next morning, I did like three bonk hits. I was already dead, so I went to do three bonk hits, and I went right to the hospital. When I walked in, they were looking at me weird, like, did you smoke a pot last night? And then I did edibles in there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, and mushrooms, too, because how boring is it? The first week I went in there sober. I was sober Pete. When I had to go back, I put some edibles in my fucking backpack and some mushrooms. I got fucked up in there. God. Fucked up. My blood pressure would go up and my oxygen would drop. And at one point, I had like eight white doctors around me. They were flabbergasted. What's going on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm like... dog, I ate some edibles. Now I know what happens to your body. They were like, they called every white person in that, Hindus, they had every smart person in that hospital. And they were all sitting around me going, we can't figure it out. How's your blood pressure? And I felt like telling them, I got some edibles in me. I got 400 milligrams in me. I couldn't do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you gotta have a good time in there. Because now it gets kind of boring. But the TV was great. I brought a computer. I brought a bunch of books. I tried to write in there. It's like doing a movie. It's going to suck if you don't bring anything. You better bring TV, a couple shots, a joint, a book, a computer, a notebook. You got to bring everything on those sets. If not, it's fucking brutal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know how it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Makes us lazy. Yeah. And I'm guilty. Before I throw anybody under the bus, I'm guilty of it because we didn't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you listen to the last Rogan I did, I told Rogan that I just want to do stand-up without podcasting for one year. I'll tell you why. Mace is lazy. And we've all done it in our specials. We all do it in our stand-up. We involve the podcast. And what we don't know is that special's on Netflix. People that are sitting in the audience, they know what you're talking about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But the people at home, they don't know. So when you're talking about whatever, those are the people you need to worry about. Who's the hottest comic in America right now? Nate Bargatze.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nate said some stuff that I heard on a podcast that was brilliant, and he was right. We're not doing comedy for the general public anymore. As podcasters, and we all fell into this, including myself, before anybody goes, Joey, we include our podcast in our stand-up, and that's good and bad. It makes us lazy. I mean, the podcast... opened our eyes to people, okay? I loved HBO, the boxing show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, when they follow the boxers? Yeah, because you could hate somebody. You're like, I hate that fucking dude. But then you find out his wife died, and he raised his four kids by himself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Way before, he gets up at four to go box, and he comes back home and feeds them, puts them on a bus. And then he's there at 3.30, and he has to put them to sleep, and his sister has to come home and watch the kids while he goes to train at 8 o'clock at night after a full day at UPS or whatever the fuck they're doing. It makes you love somebody, and that's the same thing podcasting did for us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It showed, you know, when they see you on stage, they think that's it. You're the end-all, be-all. They don't know that we have a complete different life, and that's really an act. It's an act. For me, it's the truth, but it's an act. You're talking up there. I think with the podcast, we just involve it too much. Yeah. And it's our laziness. It's not the audience's fault. It's not even our fault.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We didn't know. We did not fucking know. So I told this to Joe. I go, I think that I'd like to try it for a year. Just stand up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No more podcasting. Just eliminate that. Oh, you know my story. We're... We're thinking that the audience knows us, and they don't. Yeah, when you do a show in Milwaukee, that's one thing. But when you do a special on Netflix, you've got to assume. You know, yeah, how many people watched your special so far? Ten million? I don't know. Five of those million didn't come to your show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
10 million.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, but there are new people who are watching you. Yeah. It's like when somebody goes, oh, my God, I listened to the church last week from the beginning. Oh, they just discovered you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They just discovered you. And all this craziness, we thought they knew who we were. No. No. There's people that go to somebody's house and they go, have you seen this guy? And they go, oh my God, I'm going to watch that podcast in the beginning. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? People that do that. Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler built a fucking... A following, that's amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He got to you in college.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He got to you in college, and then you follow him all the way through.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I mean, what the fuck are we talking about here? Yeah. He did it, so we do that too. Some new kid just picks up an album one day and goes, I love this guy. He's calling you up, asking you creepy questions, hitting you on Facebook, and you're like, I've been around for 20 years. 30 years I've been doing this shit. Now you, yeah, because they're just learning who you are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But absolutely, I agree with Colin. I agree with Louie. I agree with anybody else. I think that we just, we play assume too much. We assume. And those are the people that turn your special off. They're like, who the fuck is this? Who the fuck is that? I enjoyed your special a lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A lot. I cried at the end because I knew Priscilla. That's what my wife even said. She goes, I never knew Priscilla died. My wife was really upset. She was crying and shit. That might be the best reaction ever. My wife was fucking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She was crying at the end. She goes, no, he's making me cry. I'm like, what the fuck? But it was a good special. I like how you include everybody. You were dirty as fuck, which was fucking great. You did not give a fuck. The thing about now that you can see your dick because you lost weight, that's so true because people suck your dick. You don't know who's sucking your dick when you're chubby.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every night's an adventure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got $3 in your pocket and two comedy sets. One you're going to pick up $45 at. Let's see where the night takes me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You just pray for the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You just pray for the best. Like, who's sucking my dick? I have no idea. And you try to look, but that gut's in the way. All you see is like a forehead and an eyeball. That's it. And you're like, I don't know who this person is. But you said some great stuff. And like I said, I don't even watch that many specials anymore because they've become even the specials.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We got a special on Netflix every week now. Every week. Chelsea's just dropped today. Every week. And there's so much competition. So now the special has to be about something different. All right, man. Now the special has to be about something different. It can't be an hour of material. It's got to go somewhere now. Yeah. 32 minutes with a fucking... Video at the end of you singing the song.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's got to be something completely different because the special has been kind of burnt out in a way. And if you look at the older specials and you see the newer specials, I don't know who gave these people permission to do what they do. Because if you look at the older specials, which I really enjoyed, they focused on you from the waist up. And that was it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some nights you're home at 1 and you're fucking depressed because you ate two bags of dick. But some nights you got the $45 in your pocket. You're at some girl's house at 4 in the morning. Everybody's snorting coke. Yeah. And you're like, this is great. This is great. I could do this forever. We all had the best fun when we were struggling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The only one was like Richard Pryor Live from the Sunset Strip. It was a big shot. But if you look at the Lenny Bruce's and all those older specials, it was 100% on you. No audience.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now we got Spider Cams and we got all this shit. And you'd think it'd make the special look better, but I don't know. I think it breaks, I think that's why people can't watch a special past 32 minutes. Yeah. Because it's, I'm watching the audience, it's a lot. It's a lot. Let me just watch this fucking guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, you put on one of the Richard Pryor ones, and what you hear in the background, or the Red Fox one, when you hear beer cans opening, and you could hear a lighter lighting a cigarette.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they were, you could see like Red Fox and the other guy prior weren't ever in a rush in those little blue clubs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, it probably sat 200 bucks. His agent didn't call him and go, you're wasting your time. You need to be an 800 seater. Yeah, yeah. It was just as pure as the special could be. Whether it's prior, I think two of the early Carlin ones, like an album I had. One of the best is like Bob Newhart. His albums are fucking great. Amazing. Amazing. And I like listening to that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like to hear the album going up and down, skipping maybe. I miss that. And that's what I always wanted for podcasting. Podcasting wasn't supposed to be perfect. I love these guys with the $22,000 studios. We're doing pirate radio here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was such a surreal fucking night. God. Because Ralph, he was going through a hard time in his life. And you called me at 7. And you're like, Ralph, he'll be here at a quarter to 8, ready to do a podcast. Do you want to do it with him? I go, yeah. And you said, I don't know if he's going to show. I don't know if he's going to show. Let's see where he goes. I got there at a quarter to 8.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was the best, when you barely made the gig, when you don't have money to get the plane ticket that got canceled. Remember, if you got canceled in those days, you were kind of fucked. You don't have $200 again. And those were the times where I thought I had the best time. You know, and yeah, I had great times on the road touring. You did the right thing. You broke it up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We probably sat there for an hour and a half. They kept saying... I'm on Laurel, player. I'm on Laurel Canyon, player. I'll be right there. What the fuck? And then he showed up, and he had the vapor pen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he kept trying to sell us that the vapor pen was fucking him up, and he would fall asleep, and he would wake up, and he would fall asleep.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that was at 11.30 at night. We did like a two-hour podcast. Yeah. We get up. I'm high as fuck. I am high as fuck. Yeah. And we get up, and you and I are talking. We're walking, and Ralphie's supposedly there with us. And all of a sudden, you hear... And we're like, what happened? And Ralphie fell on the fucking dollhouse. He was laid out in the dollhouse. Get me out of here. And we...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We lifted him up, and I could not laugh in his face because it would have broken his heart.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sometimes laughter gets stuck in your lungs. Like, you cannot laugh. And I held it. And then when we got to the car, he wanted to talk about whatever. And I'm like, I don't want to talk, Ralphie. I have to go let this laugh out of my chest. And finally, he got in the car. I didn't see that dollhouse. It was always an excuse. I can't keep smoking this reefer. The Cheebo Chews.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was blaming everything. And I'll never forget getting in the car, going around the corner, and there's a subway right there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it was 11 30 at night everything was closed on Laurel Canyon and I just had to sit there and let that laughter out and I must have laughed for 20 fucking minutes cause I could not that was the listen I fell with him one time on Sunset he fell with me same thing we get out of his car and we're talking yeah yeah bye bye and I slam the door and we're like yeah yeah next thing you know I'm like where the fuck is Ralphie at I look over he's out on the street on Schrader no
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
whatever the fuck that street was, Gardner.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a fire department right there, and it's sunset. There's the guitar center and all that shit. He's laying on his back on a metal bar. He cracked. You know how they make a hole, and they fix the street, and they put a metal on top of the street to cover it, and it's got that half inch? Yeah. That's what he hit with his foot, and he just fell and went on his back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm trying to pick him up, and I'm like, Ralphie, get up. And he's like, I can't, player. I can't. And I'm trying to pick him up, and finally I'm like, Ralphie, I'm not doing this because they think I'm mugging you. People were already starting to pull up and going, what's that kid doing to him? Because he's on the floor, and I'm trying to pick him up. Finally a fireman came out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, what's going on? I can't get this guy up. He's like, fuck you. I get up. I just hurt my ankle. You didn't hurt your ankle, Ralphie. Anything not to say he just fell. And I remember picking him up and for weeks torturing him about that. Like, Ralphie, can't keep falling on the street. Fuck you, player. I tripped over the thing on the street and shit like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that dollhouse night was something that I'll never forget. I'll never, ever forget how funny he was In the dollhouse. He was all crinkled up. Like he was all discombobulated.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You said you have the best idea in comedy. It was the best festival in comedy, the thing on the road with the buses and stuff. That's a great idea. That was brilliant because it took you off of the A markets. It put you in C markets that people never think of going to these towns. Brandon, Mississippi. Brandon, Mississippi. You went to all these places.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he never did.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was so likable. And he was such a good guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
People will never understand that about him. How many people he helped. How many people he just gave money to out of his pocket. I mean, he treated me like a fucking king. He would come back on Mondays. with a huge yellow manila envelope filled with cash. He would take me to a weed store and go buy whatever the fuck you want. Meanwhile, he was spending two, three Gs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Two, three Gs at a weed store in the beginning. When they would come in, they'd go, we don't want nobody else in here. Ralph, he had that type of pull at the wheat stores already. We were going to Cushmart. And they would know. I would call the owner and say, Ralph, I'm going to be there in 15 minutes. All right, I'll leave the back room open for him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because he was going in there and dropping $2,000, $3,000. And then he would put it in his fat. Remember, he would take the bags of ounces and put it in his fat and get on a plane. And then he got caught in Guam with the weed and the dog died. And then he got carried off the boat. He got sick on the boat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cowhead's boat. I mean, it was just a string of things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It wasn't that he was funny, it was the likability. It was like following Dom Herrera back in the day. He was so likable that you were going to bomb whether he bombed or not. You were going to bomb because he was very likable. And that's what Ralphie, and Doug, let me tell you something. He had a great sense of humor.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You went to a place in Tennessee that I considered the best place I've ever been to.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, the thing that nobody knows is there used to be a club called Spellbinders. The Improv is there now. Well, they moved out of that. Spellbinders was a big-time Houston club. It was run by a lady named Kim Carnes. It was one of those clubs. The Houston Improv wasn't there yet. It was just the lap stop. Lap stop. The lap spot. The lap stop, the lap spot. And then it was that club. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They had four big clubs at one time. I start calling them. You know, like anybody else, I get to L.A. and I'm calling them every week. Hi, I'd like to play your club. I'm in Houston at this club. I'd like to come. Ah, send the tape. I ain't sending the tape. This went on for about six months. And all of a sudden I call her one day, Kim or Lynn, whatever her name was. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The first year, we were in Tennessee one night, and I thought, I love that town because of that. The hotel people were nice. Everybody knew you in town. We were there for like a day and a half, and we were already talking to people. I met a great girl down there. I ended up having a kid. We ate mushrooms together.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I go, I didn't get Clemens to do this. I dropped Ralphie's name. I go, well, Ralphie's a dear friend and he said to give you a call. And it was silence. Silence. She goes, okay, let me think about it and I'll call you back. Okay. About a month later, I got a couple of lines in me. I'm by Ralphie's at night laughing with him. And I said, Ralphie, I hope,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I called Spellbinders and gave me your name, and he's like, no, you didn't play. And I'm like, yeah. He goes, man, I sued them. I go, why are you suing them? He goes, because I fell through the stage. They didn't fix the stage. And then somebody told me the story that Ralphie's up there bouncing, and the fucking stage went right down. He fell right through the stage in front of 200 people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All you saw was a little head coming up from the stage. So Ralphie sued him. I didn't know this shit. And I'm calling her using his name, and she's like, ah. And all of a sudden he's telling me that he went to the, but people were in the apartment. Other friends from Houston, they were saying, the stage wasn't broken. You broke it. Fuck you, fuck you. I sued them, didn't I?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, Ralphie had, like, I had a friend. I'm still friends with the guy. 20 years ago, we're still friends. I just saw him about a year ago at a comedy club. He used to have a hot little girlfriend. Yeah. I mean hot. And you could see she was hot to try. She'd always come to me, Uncle Joey, Uncle Joey, okay. How you doing? Nice to see you. You know, she dated one of my friends.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not going to hit on her or whatever. She was too young anyway. They ended up breaking up, and one night this girl calls me, out of the blue. I don't even know if she got my number. She's like, hey, Joey, I'm in Hollywood doing stand-up, and I'm stuck. I have no money to get home. Somebody stole my purse. And I go, well, I'm broke, but I got 10 bucks for you to get you home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I said, I'm at the comedy store. I go, meet me up in front. My intentions were good. I knew this girl. She was young. When I go to give her 10 bucks, this bitch whips her leg open and shows me a little thong. I'm like, okay, I gave her the 10 bucks. I didn't say nothing. I go, hmm. About three months later, I'm doing a room up in Pasadena.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They always have those one-nighters that pick up like 100 bucks, and she was there. And she was again, like the shirt was dripping, her tit was coming out, and she's trying to tell me she needs money for this or that. I gave her 20 bucks, whatever. I don't hear from her. And one night, I get a call at my house. I'll never forget this. It's a Sunday night, and it's this girl.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, Uncle Joe, I need to talk to you. I need your help. And I go, what is the help? And she goes, I got a movie. It's SAG, but they want me to pay SAG. It's $2,500. Now, at the time, between you and I, I got $2,250 in the bank, and that's it. I'm talking about $22. She needs $2,500. So I'm like, let me play this hand for a minute. This chick has always been kind of freaky.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking, you know. That was fun because you have no pressure on you. You have no pressure on you. It's 20 minutes. I can do 20 minutes in my sleep, and I don't really care if they sell tickets. You know, when you're doing comedy, it's maintaining the material, writing material, and then your agents are calling you. Hey, Brandon, Mississippi, you're not selling tickets down there. This, that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My wife's in the other room, and I'm just dying with this girl. I go, so let me ask you this. If I lend you the $2,500, how are you going to pay me back? And she goes, well, once the movie shoots. I go, so the movie's three days. That's $600 a day. That's $18. After tax and commission, that's $12, $11. How are you going to pay me back? I mean, I want you to have some money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she goes, I don't know. Maybe I can make payments. I go, scratch that. Let's just do this. Wear that little thong and a bra, and I'll meet you at the Four Seasons. And there was quiet. And she goes, and what do I have to do? I go, what do you think you have to do? You have to fuck and suck. We'll have a great time. She goes, but you'll give me the $2,500?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll give it to you before we even start. We'll meet at the Four Seasons in Marina Del Rey. I go, get it. I got $22 in my pocket. I'm in no danger.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She says, okay, let me make some plans, and I'll get a car, and I'll meet you up there. I forget all about it. I'm talking to my wife. I'm eating dinner. All of a sudden, my phone rings. It's Ralphie. Ralphie's like, where you at, player? I'm outside. Let's go. I go, what are you doing outside? He goes, I came home early. All right. Never forget, it's a Sunday night. He was never home on Sunday.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I run downstairs. I get in the car with Ralphie. He wants to go do this. He wants to go get sushi at Beverly. And as we're leaving, the phone rings. And it's that girl. And I go, Ralphie, pull over. And I give Ralphie the lowdown real quick. I go, don't say a word. I go, what's going on? And she goes, well, I really thought about it, and I'll meet you. But you're going to have the money, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, yeah. And I go, and she goes, what exactly do you want me to do? I go, listen, let's fuck a little bit. Maybe you can suck my dick. Maybe, you know. And she goes, Hold on, I don't like giving head. I go, listen, it's $2,500. You're going to have to eat. She goes, but what if I don't want to do that? I'll fuck you. And I go, well, I want to light your asshole on fire. That's how I said it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How about I light your asshole on fire? And she goes, I'll call you right back. And Ralph, he's fucking dying in the car. He's like, I can't believe you said that to her. She calls back like 20 minutes later. She goes, I got my uncle to lend me the money. When I told her I was gonna light her asshole on fire, she went fucking AWOL. I got my uncle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And me and Ralphie died for fucking like, he just had a different sense of humor for somebody from the South. I always hit it off with him. When I first met him, he was living on Joey Medina's futon and he broke it. Up by Vine up there, Vine off of fucking Santa Monica. He would just sit there and he'd cook for everybody. That was always his claim to fame. He was a great cook.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if he had some, he gave you half. Oh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have so much going. Yeah. So much inner stress that you don't even feel. You're like, ah, I've been doing this for years. But now it's inner stress. You're selling tickets. Put this up. This guy wants you to play there. Hey, when you go there, they want you to stop over here and get a sweatshirt and take a picture. You know, it's not, it's never ending. It's never ending being a comic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I do too. As a stand-up comic, I miss him. I think when he died, some of the class went out in stand-up comedy because he was a really classy guy. He really did his best to be a classy guy on all levels. He ran into whatever he ran into in the end. But I miss him like that. When I see those clips, I go, Jesus Christ, the damage he would be doing today. Oh, my God. The damage he would be doing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Remember, that was a 20-year run. He won last comic, what, 2007? He lost. Yeah, he lost. He came in second. He really won. He really won.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But he lost. And I was supposed to open for him in Houston, but I got Spider-Man 2. Yeah. So that was 2003. What am I saying?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I miss him. I miss a lot of people from stand-up. There was a lot of good people I met.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I don't call him. I still got his number in there. I've never erased it. We lost a lot of good people to comedy over the years. It's like the Comedy Store. I love the Comedy Store, but I can't walk in there anymore because the piano player's not there. And that's my boy. That was always my boy whether he was gay, whatever. Yeah, he had a heart attack. But he was a unique dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He made my career because he's the one that said, Joey, dance. Go up there and dance and I'll play music for you. And I'm like, what? And he goes, I saw you dancing the other day in the hallway. You had me killing me. Dance up there. And ever since that, we started dancing. There was just too many people that I don't know. I don't know. But I do miss Ralphie. I miss Marilyn Martinez. I know her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She was a comedy store chick. She's the one that told me how to stop snorting coke before she died. She died like 10 days later. Really? She's like, God wants you to stop smoking, doing coke. In the middle of a conversation, we were talking and she looked at me and she goes, God wants you to stop snorting coke. And I was like, that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But she never talked to me about my drug addiction. So for that night, for her to say that, it blew me the fuck away.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I learned a lot from Ralphie. Ralphie was very stand-up conscious, more than anybody else at the time. When he wore the yellow jacket, bigger and blacker... I asked him why he wore it. And he goes, because if they're watching TV, they're going to stop when they see that yellow jacket. There were so many little things he already knew.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to remember, he was blowing up fucking stages when nobody knew who he was, getting $200. And I saw it. I saw him going, I would go, fuck, when that guy starts hitting, it's going to be scary. Dude. It's going to be scary. And I was right. I was fucking right when he started hitting. It was destroying rumors.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, it never ends. It never ends. And once you do have a wife and a kid, it, You know, I always liked those guys that you were on the road with in the beginning, and it was their third week on the road. And you're calling your wife, and you're like, I'm with Bert Kreischer. We're drinking. We're playing golf.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We used to torture him because in the beginning when I first met him, I would go, how'd you do tonight? And he'd go, player, I got a standing ovation I made out with three chicks. And then every night he took somebody with him, the girl would always go, you didn't make out with three chicks. Yes, I did. I made out with the one chick in the back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then in the car, she's like, you didn't make out with her. And we would just torture him. He would come to me and go, I know, Ralphie. You got a standing ovation and you made out with three chicks. God damn it. I did. I did. Again, I think I had four, and I fingered the one girl. You know, he was fucking one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The creepiest thing ever happened with me and him, because I think he did San Francisco. Did you do San Francisco? I think so, yeah. Did you do it? Did you ever do that? No, no, no. I quit. I quit the second night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I think he did. I think he did. Because I remember doing one of the gigs with him, and we're getting on the elevator, and his keys fell. And there was a little hole on the floor. And this could only happen to Ralphie. The keys fell in that fucking hole. And we couldn't leave. He had to get a locksmith to come fucking open up the elevator.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The elevator guy had to come and get his fucking keys or not. He had to make them. It was a fucking nightmare. And I remember him going, man, I only made $2.00. This locksmith wants $2.50 or something. He was like, we were fucking just struggling. Yeah. And it's so weird how I was in Vegas one time opening for Joe. This has to be 1998. He was just wrapping up news radio.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we were doing the Riviera. The Riviera had that dirty show. Yeah. On Friday and Saturday night. And I remember on the flight there on Southwest, Slash was on the plane. They go, that's so fucking weird. Slash is on the plane. No, it's 98. They weren't really touring at the time. I don't know what Guns N' Roses was doing. When we got to Vegas, I did the show with Joe, and then I got one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I couldn't sleep, so I went to walk around, and I saw Slash. He goes, hey, how you doing? How you doing, man? He goes, I know you're from the store, right? I go, yeah, yeah. You're friends with Chewy? And we just started talking. And I don't know how we got in the conversation. He goes... The best part of what you're doing in your career, you're living it right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He goes, once you make it, you start doubting. And it's not really a struggle anymore. But I want you to remember these times when you struggled, when you didn't have money for cigarettes, when you didn't have money for a hotel. Because this is the shit that makes you. And a lot of people don't. That's the word I'm trying to use. They don't process this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to keep this with you every day, the struggle that you did. It's not about Lamborghinis and private planes. That struggle has to... That's what keeps me alive. That little struggle, knowing that I had to break into somebody's house to sleep on the road one time. I was walking. The place didn't have a hotel. And I took a bus there. And I still remember the bus wasn't coming to...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she's like, motherfucker, I'm over here putting a diaper on one kid, and the other kid's yelling, and you're fucking playing golf. with Bert Kreischer, you know? Like I think women always like, when they go to work, women are like, oh my God, you're so lucky. He must be so fun to have him around. He must be so fun. That shit lasts a year. Women think that shit's cute for a fucking year.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
8 in the morning. It's 4 and I'm walking around. It's freezing. And there was a guy who had like a little fucking window and I just broke in there and put a garbage bag on top of me and slept until the bus came. I still honor that. I still think about that memory and go, wow. And I got on the bus like nothing happened and went to the next town and picked up my 50 fucking dollars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
At this point, it kind of gets redundant after a while. And that's why I never wanted to go into arenas or nothing, because then you have nowhere to go. After an arena, what are you going to do? Are you going to play on Mars? What are you going to play on? It's a great point. On a spaceship?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what are your plans now for the rest of the year? I know you got a tour coming. It's not huge, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's big? How long does this last?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I'll do Red Rocks. That'd be a blast. Yeah, it's been a while. That'd be a blast. That's such a great fucking place.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's my favorite venue. The world. The world. Yeah. Come out and do Red Rocks. I used to go see bands there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was always like blown the fuck away when I would go there, how beautiful it was and the walk up there and the mushrooms and the fucking chicks and the whole fucking, it is great, man. When are you in Red Rocks?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I'll come out with you because I got a bunch of, I'm picking up some dates in the fall. Two dates a month. Yeah. Casinos, shit like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, that's even better.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I gotta go out there. I miss Colorado. Yeah. I can't convince the girls to go out there with me. It's killing me. Yeah. Joe was just there two months ago and he was... I just miss it. I just want the girls to see it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, when he was out there. Yeah. I want the girls to see it. I want them to see where God's land. That's what I call it. That's God's land.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How do you do it? How do you do it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they're like, bitch, you know, I'm over here cleaning the bathroom and you're in Miami with Joe Rogan jumping up and down. Go fuck yourself, you know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I need a couple days in Colorado.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm excited for Red Rocks now. We were thinking about where to go in August, and I'm like, Colorado's just not... I mean, you want to see it in the summertime, but you also want to see it in the winter. Fuck, yeah. You know, I love all that shit. Like, I would start in Aspen and take them back down Independence Pass because that only opens three months a year, two and a half months a year.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's fucking great. And I was going to move there, Merrick. I was already moved there. I was going to move to the other slope, Grand Junction towards there. I was going to go away from Aspen, Telluride. That's where I wanted to move to. Wow. And I saw a couple houses that I could afford. The problem was there was not going to be school for a year. I was moving during the pandemic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They had already said no school until at least January of the whole year. I can't have her in the house until January.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In Jersey, they had school already. They would close one day or whatever, but at least they tried it. They had the computers, and it sucked for everybody. It's kind of weird that this last week, last Monday, was five years since that fucking thing. Just a pandemic. St. Paddy's Day. Everything got shut down on the 14th, which was Friday. I was coming to New York City to finish the Soprano movie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They can't after a while.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was going to come in on Tuesday, do Nyack on Wednesday and Thursday, and then that weekend I was going to buy a house. That's what I was doing that week. And then me and my wife were coming back April 4th. That was the plan, to close the house and get everything moved. All of a sudden the pandemic happened and I couldn't come back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was thought about coming back, but the guy who spread COVID was the Jewish guy who went to Italy to ski and he came back to his neighborhood and everybody got it. So I'm like, I'm not, it looks like I'm not going to Bergen County. We wanted to definitely get out. Like at that point, we're like, we got to get the fuck out of here. When I saw, I saw Latin Kings tattoo on, uh, By the park.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They were a blast. Eddie Bravo just traveling with you guys? Eddie Bravo, Tate, Joe, Duncan, and me. God. And Redman. In a van. Joe not knowing where he's going in the van. Why are we doing this, Joe? Put the fuck in there. I know where I'm going. Arguments, the whole thing. But he took good care of us. Like, I can't. I can never be mad at that guy. Like, I get mad at him for a minute sometimes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I saw one by the school.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The school where our kids went to. I saw that. I just saw a lot of shit. Like now, they say that neighborhood is not good. Yeah. Everybody had to put fences up. Yeah. People just walk into your yard. That there's people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where do you live now up north?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's kind of funny how everybody kept saying, something's going on with those comedians. They're all leaving in a rush. We'll find out in time. There was nothing going on. It was just time to go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was right for me. And it hurt me to leave and it bothered me a little bit. but I knew that I didn't want to raise my daughter there. That area was getting worse, and I didn't see the point anymore. You can live anywhere right now and do comedy. You can live anywhere. It broke my heart to leave the store, and it broke my heart to leave my friends, but I had to do it for myself and for my family.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's another thing I look at now. I look at When I say this, it's a little hypocritical because if I knew what I knew now, I would have gotten out of L.A. in 2013, 2014. If I knew what I knew now, I would have gotten out of L.A. in 2008. But the problem was I also enjoyed what was happening at the Comedy Store from 2015.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We used to go in there and go crazy. You knew it that you were going to get a... you knew you were going to get a great response. When I went on Rogan, I knew I was going on Johnny Carson in the 70s. I knew that everything I had to say had to be fucking gold. If not, it's going to... And I read a thing about a year ago, comics, like, I went on there and nothing happened for me. Well, bitch...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You went on there talking that okey-dokey shit you talk about. You got to go outside the box, Rogan. I said some shit that I dread saying, Rogan. Dread saying. I got like four people on Facebook that they want to throw me under the jail for what I said about them on Facebook. I really don't care. It was true, and it was that time to say it. It was 40 fucking years ago.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that's what I've always thought a podcast is about, to be fucking crazy. But then they started telling you what we can and can't say. Now, I haven't given a fuck in five years. You want to cancel me? Try it. Who gives a fuck? I say whatever the fuck I want now. I really do. I really... Why? Why? Because I'm hurting your feelings? I wasn't put on this planet. To fucking help your feelings.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He says something stupid on the UFC or something. And I'm like, what the fuck, Joe? And then I go... That guy, you know, he created this comedy environment for us that was tremendous. He was paying us great. We were eating like fucking kings. You know, we were sponsored by Fogo de Chao. Okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I wasn't here to hurt your feelings. But if you're getting hurt by what comes out of your mouth, go fuck yourself. And that goes for everybody.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It just became something else and people, but you keep doing what you're doing and fuck them. Let them fucking worry about it. Fuck them. Let them worry about it, you know? It's... It's sad that we can't say the shit we want to. Some people don't want that shit said. And I get it. There's a lot of people out there that do shit just for attention. You're not getting nowhere.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a business at the end of the day. So that nonsense you're talking, this is a business. So you think about it. But you're going to go say what's in your heart. Like about a month ago, Selena Gomez went off about the Mexicans. She was crying. And I saw a guy that I know from L.A. He's way older than me, about 65. Family did a lot in Hollywood. He comes from a big-time Hollywood family.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He had one show as a writer, and you'd think he wrote, you'd think he's Martin Scorsese. He only wrote one thing, and they put him on that. There was a lot of shows going on. They put him on there as a writer. He's never worked again. He lives on a trust fund. And the day or two after that whole Selena Gomez thing, This guy put on his Facebook, I side with Selena Gomez. I agree with Selena Gomez.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I looked at that statement. Let's pretend he's 65, 66. Why would you say something like that? Because now you go to your fucking coffee shop and your little white friends are going to tell you, you're so brave. Oh my God, we side with Selena Gomez too. What makes a man say that? I don't know. That's LA.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's that whole mindset of, you know, I see people now that hate Joe Rogan because they can't work his club. Oh, yeah. There's a bunch of people that hate him now because he made Trump the president. You know, all that dumb shit that I just look at and go, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, it's just so sad that for a while we let it, we can't. We're comics. We're not actors.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're not LA people. We're fucking comics. You want to talk about politics, do it on your own fucking time or make it funny. But now you're making it your end all be all. That's not what we did. Older comics tend to go to politics because obviously they run out of material. Yeah. You know, obviously you just can't say no more Mercy stories or Terry stories or Tyler stories. So you switch over.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I never wanted to forget who the fuck I was. That was never going to happen in this fucking thing. That was never going to happen for me. And that's what you see now. You see people who forgot what the fuck they were at the end of the day were just dirty comics. Don't look at it past that. There's no genius here. He's a genius. There's no genius here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We were sponsored by Fogo de Chao for like three years. Every time we landed in, we went to Fogo de Chao. On the arm, and then Joe would get shots that were like $400. Yeah. For all of us. And then on the way in the car, he goes, you just did a $400 shot. You're like, fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I could be doing this for money, or I could do it on a corner in Jersey in a deli for my crazy friends. There's no genius here. You know, he's a great actor. Well, listen, I know he went to England, but Queen Latifah fell off a fucking boat in Newark, and she could act. So what are we getting here to? They gave themselves too much tapping on the back. Daniel Day-Lewis, go fuck yourself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go suck my dick. Nothing bothers me more when they say he's a funny comedian. Again, I'm not putting him down. What's the guy's name that was married to the chick from Saturday Night Live, the blonde? Will Arnett. Will Arnett. Will Arnett's the sweetheart of a guy. But don't call him a comedian around me ever again. He's a comedic actor. That's a big difference.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's when there is a director and they say cut. Let's say that again. We don't work with a director. We are the director of our party. So I think that everything got out of control when you say comedian. You know, it's like I saw something online a couple months ago about podcasters are a lot funny on the podcast and they are. These podcasters want to go on the road now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You never did stand-up and you saw a lot of theater because, but you're not saying nothing to them that's worth it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know? We worked at it. This is what the fuck we do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is this insult all of a sudden that you're comparing them to us? I can't act. I can't go up against fucking, you know, Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah. But don't say this guy's a comedian. He's not a comedian. He's a comedic actor.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that's why I take my pride. I don't have a director. You know, Roseanne is crazy as batshit, but she was on Larry King Live, and she said it best. When you're a comedian, you're a producer, you're an actor, you're a writer, you're a director. You do it all, bitch. We do it all. Yeah. We do it all without even knowing what we're doing. They do something. They call it producing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I produce a night. Go fuck yourself. You call three guys. You give them $100. They come down and do comedy. What producer? You couldn't fucking produce a pillow fight. What fucking producer are you? So all these titles, it's like directors.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They got a camera now. They're a director. No, you're not. No, you're not. That's why there's so many shitty movies on Apple and all these fucking streaming. They got tons of stuff on those streaming stuff. You're just not going to watch it. It's some guy who got a camera, directed a short, then became a director, and somebody paid him for it. And you're like, what the fuck is this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, and we made him smoke weed, and Duncan had the fucking dummy with him in the hotel, Nemo, and he used to scare the shit out of me, and Ari's always been crazy. You know, Ari's just fucking Ari. Ari is, he's a comic in his own world. Like, now he wants to go to Europe, it's his last tour. He's just, and gotta be honest with you, these guys are doing it right. I was doing it wrong.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We all are around giving ourselves the pats on the back. And that's not what this is about. We're dirty comics. That's it. Nobody wants to hear nothing out of my mouth. Except for stupidity and dirt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They don't want to hear me talk about what I think about the China relations. Yeah. And I don't even know. I don't even know. Go to war. I don't give a fuck. I'm still waiting for fucking Israel to blow up everything. So this week they shot Kennedy now. It's like that. Like, we have these people that are fucking into who shot Kennedy, who's on the Epstein list.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not going to make a difference in your life. You're still going to be a stiff, and you're still going to have to jerk off three times a day. Some of your business is on the Epstein list. Like, you're ever going to find that. You're never going to. All these white people walking around. Oh, my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, I was on the elevator at the hospital one day, and some guy's on there like, I can't wait until they release the Kennedy list. Why? He got shot in the head 60 fucking years ago. Who gives a fuck? Who shot him? We can't bring him back. They're all dead now, too. But we worry as Americans about the dumbest things that have nothing to do with us. And now we're going to move forward.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck all that nonsense. I don't want to hear it. I don't want Diddy. I don't give a fuck about Pete Diddy. I don't give a fuck about who was on his list. He never invited me to get my dick sucked, so fuck him. Right or wrong? They never fucking invited me. They never invited you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love you too, man. It was great to see you. I love you to death. It's so good to see you. I'm happy you had me on. Oh, that's a good fire.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What do you got dates? What do you got, my brother?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Red Rocks October 1st. I got New Jersey Pack. June 28th. Tickets sold out, but don't buy any tickets at that more than 120. Don't waste your time. Wait till the day of the show. I got a moon tower. Two shows are sold out. They're done. Nice. And I got Philadelphia, May 18th at Parks Casino and a date in August. Tickets on sale now. And that's it. I love you to death. I love you too, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thanks for thinking of me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was doing it too seriously. I gotta stick to that material. Now I watch everybody doing arenas and they're doing fuck and they're talking to the audience. Everybody's talking to the fucking audience. I'm up there working hard. I can't write the shit. And everybody's talking to the audience in the arena. I was raised not to talk to the audience in a fucking arena or a big show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
These guys are like, hey, what do you do for a living?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In an arena. In an arena. I'm like, god damn it. What the fuck? But I could see that was getting monotonous for me. Like, it was just getting monotonous, and it's bad for everybody.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You go into a club for 20 years, and that guy's still a busboy. And you're seeing him as a busboy, and he's seeing you as a comic that comes every 18 months. It was just, I don't know, something wasn't right. I wanted to do it more how bands did it. How's that? You guys work hard. When you go on a tour, it's 10 months. Yeah. Listen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Once that 10 months end and you say goodbye to your fellas and you go home, it's over. Yeah. There's no videos. There's no nothing. There's no look at me. Shut it down. And we all, see, when I got to LA in 97, everybody had a, your manager had a plan for you. So, Bert, you're going to go on the road from January to April. Or every week, Bert. Shut your fucking mouth. And then I got you a show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it kind of becomes, listen, when you're a middle-level comic and you do the improvs, after the ninth time that you're at the 10th, the improv, you ask yourself, how much longer can I do this for?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're going to shoot from May to July. There's 11 episodes. You're going to shoot seven. You're not going to make much money your first year, but you're going to shoot seven episodes. And then while those things are in the tank, you're going to go to the comedy store every night until your ass turns green. And you're going to do a spot until you get an hour. Then we're going to shoot a special.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're going to put that in the tank, and that TV show comes out, the special will come out, and you're back on the road in January.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There was always a plan. There's no more plan. There's no plan. There's no plan no more. You're going to go on the road. You're going to go on the road until you're fucking old and gray, and I didn't like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wanted to do, I was trying to figure out Listen, I love Led Zeppelin, and not just because of their music. I love their style, how they did it. They never did a TV show. They refused. They never did whatever show at night on Fridays. What was that guy's name again? Carson? Merv Griffin? No, no, no. There was a show when I was growing up, Midnight Special, and Don Curse's rock concert.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There were all these. USA had one. They never did that. Their manager never allowed them to do a TV performance of anything. It was very... You look at Led Zeppelin, you're like, they were just a bunch of wackos. No, they weren't. That manager had a plan from day one, and he stuck to it, and that's why they ended up having nine albums, and they're one of the most successful bands of all time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There is, and the way I look at it is what you did was brilliant. I tell people all the time. What happened with me was I was doing stand-up, but I wasn't having fun. It was a business. And that's a horrible way to do stand-up comedy. When you do it as a business, I wanted to fall in love with it again. Falling in love with it naturally. And it's not about the money. It's not about the gig.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When they toured for a year and a half, when they got off, they got off. They didn't even talk. They didn't even talk for a year. After about a year, one of them would get bored and go, what do you think, we should go in the studio? I'm too busy shooting heroin. Try me in six months. Aerosmith. All those guys had these schedules.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Somewhere along the line, in comedy, it just got thrown off the window. There's no plan. You stay on the road to your whatever. And I didn't like that. I'd rather stay on the road and you get a movie from me. And I'll take off and then I'll do the movie. I will not post anything on social media. People will have to put me in the back of milk containers because you are not going to see me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I will not make a fucking video. And then you come back like Jesus is born. We didn't do that. We stayed in their faces. We stayed in that phase.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where is he? He's been gone for three days.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He wrestled in the place we shot Go Big. Yeah. We walked in. He's like, well, I haven't been here since I was in high school. I was like, what? He's like, yeah, I won states in this building.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You want to know something wild hit me So we were doing we were I remember when that first season I was trying to sell Red Rocks and I was doing Red Rocks Pro Oh, yeah, stop. Yeah, and I remember you going how big is this place? I go. I have no fucking idea Last year, I did that Coliseum. Nice. I performed in it. And I walked in. I didn't realize I was in Macon. I didn't realize what I was doing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I walked in and I went, shut the fuck up. I was like, how the fuck did I get here? And it was so funny because I thought of you because I remember you walking in going, shut the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah that's a special little building yeah yeah i mean i that that is a home to us because we were quarantined i remember this and you can only really like me and him hung out we hung out with uh with our ep we had kind of just started this show conrad yeah we just kind of started doing this podcast yeah and you're like i'm going to do this thing and i was like what the fuck is that i remember telling you i was like i'm gonna meet snoop i need advice on how to meet snoop oh yeah and you're like be yourself yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
At that meeting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We had dinner at that one dinner where everyone's at. When I explained myself to Cody, I think I did the same thing to Snoop, and he was caught off guard by me. Sure. And he just went like this in the middle of it. He hit this. and he turns the phone around, and it's Red Grant. He goes, you know this guy? And Red turns it back, and Red goes, he's cool. And he goes, like, all right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he's like, all right, you're cool. Oh, wow. I was like, you called the right black guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, she told us that our first night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She did it. Oh, my gosh. The fucking, you know the song from Shrek? The one, the one, it's the, she did it one time, we're in line. Yeah. And I was like, Jen, I can sing. And she was like, really? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I started doing it. And then she started singing over me. And I just went like this. She is so, like, I'll tell you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you remember when I shot the bullseye with the fucking bow and arrow? Oh, my gosh, yeah. Yeah, that was like my highlight. I go, I think I can shoot. And Snoop's like, I'm not getting shot. And I'd fucking pulled off a bullseye.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Me, you, and Conrad. Yeah. Every night we'd have a glass of wine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, fuck off. I know exactly what this is. What is it? I know exactly what this is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think he started doing it. What's that guy's name? I know that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, wait.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I was a kid, we'd go just about every Saturday night. And the noise. I remember just the noise of when someone hits the mat. Just the noise was so visceral. And the energy. You get caught up in it. Old ladies telling people the garbage. And you just get so... It really is like, I want to go so bad. I want to go to Raw. Where's Raw going to be shot? Intuit Dome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. In L.A.?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. Have you been to the Intuit Dome?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's fucking insane. You don't even have tickets. They scan your face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They don't pay with money. You pay with your eyes. You go like this, and then it goes... What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's right next to all that YouTube area. Like downtown area? No, no, no. It's by SoFi. Oh, like Carson. By all that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's raining, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No fucking way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
can find employment after a neck tattoo when did you decide to do it oh i love by the way this is one of my favorite stories yeah is we're sitting there and i said something about his neck tattoo he goes yeah it's a little bigger than i thought um
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wanted to be the governor. Hang on, hang on. I have plans on being the governor of Florida. You could do it. After I met Arnold Schwarzenegger, I was like, I'm going to be the governor of Florida. And I literally was like, this is a real dream. I could be a politician. This could be real. Especially, we'd be like, you'd be governor of Georgia, I'd be governor of Florida.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We'd be right next to each other. Just buddy governors.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want the state of Florida tattooed right here. Oh my gosh. Little and green. A drop, but it's the Florida outline. There is no reason you shouldn't do that today. Dude, I have a tattoo gun. At my house. I've been tattooing people all the time. Tattoo. Tattoos. Tattoo? He does that. Tattoo. All you have to do is choose to say something differently. Yeah. Like aluminum. Yeah, aluminum. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then Nightmare. No, Nightmare is like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no, no, no. Nightmare is how I thought it was. And now I can't change it back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you what's so enjoyable? Because when we met, when we first met, it was right when you were coming after wrestling. And you were like, so what's Tom like? I remember you asked me. Yeah, yeah. And I was like... And then as I go into your green room, or your trailer, I started going like, God, you know, he really reminds me of Tom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And to watch you two connect, because you guys could be really good friends. You're both, interestingly enough, and I mean this with all respect... You are silly boys with silly jobs that are very serious men. Like, you're both real men. Somebody has to take it seriously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're a comedian and you're a professional wrestler.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you guys, like, take life seriously and you work hard and you're businessmen and you take what is... Like, I'm a silly guy in a silly job, and I've stayed silly. I have a hard time growing up. But I remember watching you one time taking meetings. I think you were running AEW at the time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you were taking meetings, and I remember going, like, if I was a pro wrestler, I'd never run the fucking company. I'd be like, just give me the most amount of money and the least amount of work. But that's Tom. It's like, I go, let's do a podcast. And he's like, let's start a company. I go, you start a company. I'm fucking... I'll do the podcast. You have an empire, but I just want...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do I get free true classic shirts? But it's interesting to watch you two connect. I've never seen Tom this interested in a person ever that we've ever interviewed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You could definitely be mayor of Atlanta. That's the easy lift. I could be mayor of Tampa tomorrow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to talk about your pec injury. Oh, yeah. Do you know what happened to his pec?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, fuck. This is going to fuck me up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I knew. What falls?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think I'm out of this bet. I think I'm out of this bet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did 295 twice yesterday.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know, but I don't want my tit to hang.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just want to just get out of it now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How debilitating is rehab, man? Lifting nothing. So I remember being hyped up. Let's not talk about rehab, guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, Roy, oh, God. So I'll tell you, let me tell you my perspective. God, geez. This gets a little deep, and I don't need you to argue at all about this. So I've dominated Tom physically in everything we've ever done. Okay? Okay? Okay? Yeah. For whatever reason, any competition we've ever done, I've just owned him. And we go out to play basketball, and Tom is legit a good basketball player.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Tom said to me, right before he goes, you know, they say the number one way guys over 40 get hurt is by playing basketball.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I hear that, and I go, and this old school television, 80% looks like 100%, 70% looks like 100%. So I just go out and fuck around. I don't go too hard. But Tom is really doing good. And he feels like he's superior now. Like it's the one time he's gotten to take, I'm the big dog with the paws crossed at the top of the mountain. And this pup has been nibbling at me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's the one time he got me to go, right? So Tom goes to do his dunk. And we both get like seven feet. But I can't get eight feet. Tom dominates eight feet. And Tom's like, nine feet. Raise it up. Now he's owning it. No, I get nine feet. He gets nine feet. I get nine feet. By the way, Tom's probably 285 pounds. No, I'm 247 here. Pull up the picture. I can tell you exactly what my weight was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was 247. I swear to God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's way out of shape. You're heavy and you're out of shape, right? So...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just see a picture. I just, I think you were maybe doing it in kilograms. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I think nine you did with two hands.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You did eight with two hands.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're on fire. NBA Jam style. I was like, oh, this is not... He's a good basketball player. Any other sport, he's not competent, but... We were like, oh, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's over.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is real?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When the cameras are on, that's when I perform.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's high as shit when you get up there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone looks at that and goes, I can't fucking do that. I don't think there's anything I can do in pro wrestling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why don't you go to one of those They have those training schools He could come to my school I learned how to take But I still jumped What am I talking about I broke my toe You broke your toe there Yeah I just dug right into the mat Yeah I learned how to take bumps, like how to fall. When I was doing my movie, they taught me how to fall. Where you can hit the ground hard. Spread it out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and I learned to do a bunch. I did all my own stunts in the movie. So I did a flying kick. Oh, you got injured. I blew out my tricep. Yeah. Man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, man, broken toes. I'm so glad this happened. Yeah, this is awesome, man. When I heard that you were on the podcast, I was like, I have to be there for this. I was excited, man. I haven't seen you in so long.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, thanks. Dude, he is the sharpest dressed. The thing about him that I like about the two of you is you guys like nice things. You like looking nice. You like feeling nice. I like flip-flops and a t-shirt. But that's who I am. I'll take my shirt off the second I get an opportunity to. But that's the one thing I remember going like, God, they got to meet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
is there anyone that comes into wrestling like so you get comics that'll be like young comic and they'll come into comedy and you'll be like yeah who are your inspirations like I don't really watch much comedy and you're like what and they just see comedy as like an occupation they can do and you're like do you know who Dave Attell is and they're like no
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know how sacrilegious this is? It's not sacrilegious. It's not.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ancient Mesopotamia had a world champion belt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Your guy's belt. We had a Sober October belt that I've never touched.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Never. No, I've always been sober. I just never win.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to go. It's in fucking L.A. I'm going to go. That sounds awesome. Yeah. Netflix has got to be able to hook that up, right? Hang on my bus. Of course. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're in. I'll either have a torn peck or I won't. Or a porn tech. Porn tech. Yeah. It's a whole other thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Appreciate you, man. Appreciate it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Your dad was the best. Your dad was the fucking best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my gosh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it was... I mean, your dad was the... I still go back and watch...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember telling you, I was like, because we all went to dinner and then me and you kind of connected because you like whiskey, you like cigars, and I like both those things. And you like listening to me talk about myself. But I remember saying to you, I was like, yeah, I'm not really like, I don't really know much about wrestling. And you're like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then 15 minutes later, you're like, hold on. You're bringing up names that only a wrestling fan would know. And I was like, well, everyone knows the Von Eriks. And you're like, no, they don't. And I was like, come on. The Claw? Do you remember when Ric Flair and Kerry Von Erikson? Oh, Christmas Day. That fucking match. I have a weird question about Netflix.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How much bigger is this audience going to be than an average viewing audience? Like when you guys do Raw.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is going to be fucking huge.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Undisputed Champion Of Neck Tattoos w/ Cody Rhodes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
His son was Steve Graham? No, Mike Graham. Mike Graham. I went to high school with his daughter and his other son.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I've been going to the gym before I go to the office. And while it's great for feeling good, it's good for your health, it's not so great for smelling good. And every time I go to the store to pick up some, you know, men's body care products, it's always boring. It's always the same options and they're no good. So I went ahead and tried Cremo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nope. Wait. Nope. Nope. There was a, we were on our honeymoon. There was a woman. We went to a really nice place for our honeymoon. And there was a woman reading a book. And I've never seen Leanne spit fluid out of her nose before. And the woman said to Leanne, hey, I think Bert would like this book. Leah said, spits a drink out of her nose and goes, are there pictures in it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cremo's deodorant delivers 48 hour odor protection crafted to the same barber grade standards as the rest of their lineup. Quality, without compromise. Now you can elevate your routine with two new signature scents. The Italian Bergamo is bright and bold, blending Bergamo and narrowly blossom and fresh veviter. Palo Salto delivers a deeper, more refined vibe with smoky Palo Alto
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it is absolutely fantastic. I gave both of these a try. I fully endorse both. You smell great. People think you're a better person. So head to Target or Target.com. Find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants in the Italian Bergamo and Palo Santo scents. Once again, that's Target or Target.com.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just said I can't imagine what a weak backbone you'd have to jerk him off. It's me. Yeah. I'd be the person. If someone was like, hey, do we get a hands up with this? I'd be like, all right. I don't want you to like me. Yeah, of course. I need everyone to like me. So what was your take on the astronauts? Because I got into a heated argument yesterday at an Easter party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The internet's hot take is that you're not astronauts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's our fault that we didn't like it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, oh, that was bold. Yeah. You know what it was? This is what I don't think sometimes the internet can tell you what they find gross about it easily and derivatively because they know what other people are saying. So they give a hot take because they feel like that's what the internet's giving. But I'll tell you what they couldn't articulate properly. It was that
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
These women, when they walked out of the space shuttle, space astronaut machine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if you haven't trained, don't worry. I ran the LA Marathon with no training. You can run a 5K with zero training. Bet someone in your office right now that you can do it and beat them with no training. Make it fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that was a pretty light door.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The door was weird. Each woman, and it started with Katy Perry, gave their I have a dream large... One man step for man moment. Like they each were like, they were like ready to be immortalized.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, acid would be. As fun, can be scary on occasion. But if you can give me acid in 11 minutes. And then it goes away in 11 minutes. Do you know how often I take that? Chef kiss. Yes, chef kiss. Yeah, 11 minutes, and I'm, yeah. I'm assuming you didn't watch all of the interviews in their entirety.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So the best is, and I'm paraphrasing a tad bit, Amanda Wynn was, is one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, uh-uh. She's an advocate, a lawyer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. So she's a women's rights advocate. Oh, great. Yeah. She was – I just read the story. She was sexually assayed. Is that how you say it, Mel?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
At Harvard. Oh. She chose not to press charges right away and then realized within six months that – so she's an advocate for women's rights, right? But the interviewer said, do you feel like this has healed your trauma? And you watch this Amanda Wynn go, like, you think I'm – like cool with my, like what, what? And it was so bizarre. Yeah. Like no one was prepared. There's Amanda.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, there she is. But no one was prepared for like, I just, you know, it got me emotional. It was like, you know, I bet the world does look peaceful when you look at it from up there and it's not, it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Like there's some stuff that's up down here, guys. It's crazy like this. I got emotional watching this thing land that I go that I'm seeing something like this happen in my lifetime. That's crazy. This will be terrifying. Yeah, that is a lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's one of the best rides in the fucking world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is insane. You see planes approaching. Eye height. Eye height. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a lot of rides. I've done a lot of rides. There's Fox Canyon. Type in Fox Canyon, New Zealand. They have a free fall ride, like a rope swing, which I'd argue is probably just as cool. Oh, I know what those are. It literally drops you and you just You just fall and then swing. Are you with two people arms next to you or just by yourself? No, you're by yourself. By yourself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they just drop you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For four seconds.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not doing that. Where they hold you. I'm not doing that. I'll tell you right now. This is one of the most intense feelings I've ever had in my entire life. Fox Canyon, they had you on a chair. It was called the chair of death. And they lean the chair back. And so like, you know, when you fall on a chair, but you fall fast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm always impressed when neo-Nazis read Mein Kampf and I go, wow, you read it? That's crazy. You read the whole thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've done a ton of spelunking. And I like it. I hate it. I hate it. We were in a cave in New Zealand where... I mean, I'm claustrophobic as well.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For TV.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's go. I was unaware of how tight it would be. And so they bring us into a huge cave and we zip line down and it's, everything's fucking wide open. And by the way, I'm seeing like Asian people in inner tubes to the right. So I'm like, okay, that seems fine. It can't be that bad. Yeah. They go to the right. I go to the left. The guy goes, all right, let's get into the birthing canal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now it was, it was a crawl space where the water was here. Nope. and you had to crawl out. And as soon as you got to the other side, it was a different world where everything was tight, everything was shimmy, and then this is the worst part. They said, it's loud, there's a waterfall, it's loud as shit, and they're like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so we go behind the waterfall, right? Take a breath. Yeah. Turn around, and as soon as you turn around, the waterfall's now hitting your head. You climb up the waterfall. The guy grabs you. You don't realize what happens. He puts you into a cave where you're sitting crisscross applesauce, hunched over, and the water's to here, the top's to here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're just going, this isn't what I signed up for.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every trip I just want to picture Ken.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw that. Did you have to put on an outfit?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Once you put on an outfit, that means you're going to be touching stuff. It's fucked up. It means you're going to be touching stuff.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a cave in Austin. Will you type in cave in Austin? And I wish I had stolen all the things we did. This is it. And so they said, we're going to go spelunking in this cave. And I was like, cool. I mean, this is a tourist cave. There's a fucking stairwell.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Actually, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is there a gift shop? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a gift shop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're fine. Handicap accessible.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're probably fine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's huge. It's wild. And then they take me to a manhole cover. And they're like, this is how you get in. No, it's not. Never.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wouldn't know how to say. There's no, we're never doing this. And you never do that. Manhole entrance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This rappel into this cave, they lower you on a wench. I think that might be it right there. They lower you into a wench and they tell you, I'm a bigger guy, so they said for you, you're going to have to have one arm down, one arm up to fit in and And they go, listen, this is really important. Halfway through, you're going to see a huge room.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's going to look, it's going to be filled with stalactites. It'll look like Superman's lair. Now, if you're panicking, you're going to think, maybe I'll stop here. Don't. Because if you stop there, we can't get you out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
cannot get you out so he says so what you need to do really all the way down is you have to keep going and then they're gonna have you at the top it's gonna open up you'll be at 90 feet you're gonna be at the top of the cave and we'll lower you down the rest of the way it was right now there was a little part of the screen where you could see my heart rate right now it was you know what i thought of the whole time i swear to god now this is we're of the same age you're gonna remember this i said a guy went in upside down to save baby jessica
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe baby Jessica. No, of course I remember baby Jessica.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's why people can say racist things to me and I just go, cool. You don't like confrontations? I hate confrontations.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Kids lit themselves on fire.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why wasn't he on his cell phone?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Claustrophobia videos. Claustrophobia out of all the phobias. So I got a fear of flying. What's your other phobias? Flying? Horrible. What scares you about it? Just that you die right away and you don't have anything to control it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one's looking for you. Do you want your death?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you serious?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you serious?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we got to do it, right? We should just do a moment of silence. Just literally just do something. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Right now, I should be the state video. Let's just take a moment of silence because it happens.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, there's no chance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if it does, look, it's going to be chaos. You're going to remember what I tell you right now anyway. No, I'm going to be shit in the bag. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't want my death to be the all-female astronauts where America celebrates the failure. Like, that would be the worst. Who died where everyone just laughed?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The guy who created the Segway. Cliff. That's the funniest death.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's impossible. And you create the Segway and you run it off a cliff?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I always think about like Robespierre, where he guillotined so many people, and then he got guillotined. Because I go, you know there had to be a time where he was like, this will never happen. I mean, this never was going to happen to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm killing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. Trampled? I've been in those situations where it's claustrophobic. No, I don't like it. And the crowd's moving you. No, no, no, no. And your feet aren't touching the ground.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cheers.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've lost my son.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's hysterical.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I learned it getting recognized was... Was the bed for you? No, it was for Tom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. Tom's pretty famous in our world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm more visually famous than he is. You're visually famous. Yeah. And so he broke his arm, broke his leg. It was during the height of COVID. The height of COVID. Oh, yeah. The hospital's packed. No one's getting to bed. And Tom is... His arm is not attached. The bone is broken. It's dangling. His knee is not attached. And he's in so much pain. And he spent the night out of the hospital.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What were you guys doing? Playing basketball. And so... I said, Tom goes, they said it's going to be a few hours. What the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Looking for your son at Summer Smash.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, it's all the same color car, all the same type of car. So many white vehicles. White. White. Hey, wait, can you buy Mon Conf on Amazon? I want to see how many five-star reviews it's got. For my struggle? Let's see. Mein... Kampf. Kampf. Minecraft. What's Mein Kampf?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
my daughters don't like that i'm famous and we went to a football game my oldest yeah until it's absolute until it's fucking awesome and i pulled up i pulled up in the car and i said uh i'm just gonna park back here and george goes you're gonna need passes i said i should be fine usually i'm fine she goes what do you mean i said watch and i pulled up i was like what's up buddy and he's like oh shit the machine go just go ahead get out of here i was like thank you and george is like out of here wait where are you gonna park i go it doesn't matter leave it running yeah we've done it yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But with the one I did with Tom, we were in the hospital and they go, it's going to be about three and a half hour. Genuinely sad. And Tom, his face drops. Are you in Los Angeles? Yeah, we're in Seattle. You can't go to the hospital here. It's tough. Oh, yeah, yeah. I went with a broken arm one time. During the height of COVID. During the height of COVID. The highest COVID ever was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone in the waiting room has COVID. Yeah. Everyone does. And they've been shot. It's chaos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I said to Tom. Tom's a good, I really like Tom a lot. Yeah. He, the guy goes, it's going to take about three, three and a half hours. That's pretty fast. Find a seat. And I said, really? And the guy goes, it's, it's chaos. The lady saying it's chaos. Yeah. And I look at Tom, I go, I can fix this. I look in the back and I look for a nurse that looks like he'd like me, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I drop my mask like this. Guy lights up and he goes... And he sees Tom, I go, pull your mask down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no one knew what happened. So I go, Tom, drop your mask. Tom drops his mask. He goes, oh shit. Comes over and he goes, hey, I got a room for you guys right now. Boom. And we're like, all right. And Tom goes, you just fucking showed him your face? And I was like, yeah. And so we got him into a bed. He was like, yeah, there's beds back here, but it's just too chaotic out there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Milking table, which goes straight down. All the nurses came back to hang out with us. They were like, this has been chaos. This is, oh, what happened? And they all sat in our room. It was kind of like we did a meet and greet for the hospital. Yeah, of course, you were doing meet and greets, yeah. And they're like, yeah, this is fucking nightmare, man. I mean, this is fucking crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've never seen anything like this. And then they're like, what happened to you, Tom? COVID? And he goes, I was playing basketball. Broke both. Have you never seen it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. No, he broke his arm right here in half. No, not here. In here. Right here. In the humerus. Jesus Christ. Ironically. That is. It was not as funny as a humerus break would be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just unwound it for him. Sorry, we just need... I love the people that go... They're like, Bert, you should never move that arm. I was like, yeah, okay. You be in that situation. Like, be in that situation where your friend's arm's bent backwards.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And go, we'll leave it there for the next 30 minutes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've had a lot of doctors tell me I did the right thing, and then a couple, you know, a couple, because Tom's had nerve damage, and they go, well, then Bert caused it. I go, no, no, I think it was his falling and breaking his arm in half that might have caused it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's already down. His center of gravity went up. No, no, no. This knee exploded. The knee exploded. Oh. The whole knee exploded. And then he tries to catch himself with the arm, and the arm snaps and breaks in half. Yeah. It's crazy. This, that fell, that fall changed his life entirely. If anyone's looking for a pivot moment in Tom's girl's life, it's this moment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she goes, this will make you feel better. And Leanne saw he couldn't use his arm, he couldn't use his leg, and he's eating Nutella out of the jar. She's like, you're about to get fat as fuck. I think Tom's girl heard that and was like, I will not get fat as fuck. And his weight loss journey started that day. And ever since then, every day I saw him, he always looked better.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus, don't put my book up. Shut up. Adolf Hitler. It's got 4.4. four reviews?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, he was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That Tom traveled with hot sauce in his pocket. It was my favorite thing. He always had hot sauce on him. He always had hot sauce on him. He was a different Tom. He'd eat like a fucking lunatic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Put your book in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't think the exterior design needs to be as high end.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's good looking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's see if Mein Kampf has better reviews than your book. Oh, absolutely. It certainly has more. Putin is brilliant. Unable to beat the US in NATO ballot. Oh my god, these reviews are fucking awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If it works. If it's a good one, it smells like death. Jesus. I mean, it's dumb, but it's one of the greatest. It's flooded with nitrogen, reducing the oxygen levels rapidly. It's like doing whippets. It whippets you to death. They die in 10 minutes. 10 minutes? I could die faster. This does sound a lot like Blue Origins. And it also sounds like whippets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you could die from whippets probably fairly fast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, nitrogen and nitrous oxide are two different things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I definitely would look into it before I got into the suicide pod. Which isn't as fun as I thought it was going to be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Identical experience. I think they haven't thought through enough things. I like a finite retirement home where you go, hey, we're coming in, but you're not going to live forever. So let's dump all your money into it and let's blow it out. And we'll time it out where your money runs out and you die that day. That day. And by the way, We're never going to tell you what day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know what I want?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I never liked people that didn't like Ace of Base. Like the people that we shit on the fact that. Those songs slap.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, we didn't. I didn't talk shit about Ace of Base. No, but I watched those Tridels talk shit about Ace of Base. I was like, this song's fucking good. Fuck, keep talking. Keep talking, motherfucker. Here's what I really want. You ready? I want a blow-it-out rehab, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So for people that are sober, that just want to run at it one more time, they give you like a solid week of just getting fucking loose, and then they cut you off. You go into rehab for 30 days.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wish they did rehab light, where it was like sativas and white wine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. We're not getting fucking crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Like, and, you know, you play with a horse or whatever, you know, like chew it, something that they do in those VFs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a pretty good life, actually. By the way, they got to rehab because I got to get a surgery. And I was looking at like, because my biggest thing is, not booze, but food. If I get a surgery, I'm going to balloon up because I can't work. If I can't work out, this is what I look like working out every single day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Um, but I want, I want to go, there's one that's in Malibu that you can, you can part, no, you can party at it. You can party at it, but it's like they monitor your food intake. Like they monitor, they have chefs, you prepare your meals. Oh, this is a physical rehab. It's like a physical rehab. Physical rehab. So you can party, you can take edibles, you can do whatever you want.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I don't know if they bring edibles, but.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Pull it up. The Pink Palace. Corfu Grease.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
DogBreath101, first let me say I bought this as a gift. Who the fuck do you give Mein Kampf to?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got jealous of Dutch guys there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dutch guys are so fucking cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. No, they're already like... And they sound sensitive when they talk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I always say I'm bummed that I'll never have that experience to live in the Netherlands and ride my bike through the city and my girlfriend's tall and she has blonde hair and a scarf and a backpack. You have that kind of money.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. You could cosplay that for like a week. If you had to pick a second wife right now, what would you go for? Just nationality.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, hold on. Now, if we're going secret family, I'm going Asian. I'm going communication. India. I'm going getting out of this country.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going Indian. I'm going low cast, good looking, doesn't realize her worth, flutter with cash. Oh, my gosh. You know how much you could look so rich if you just come in. You're like, yeah, I got a pizza. What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh my God, look at how hot Indian women are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Type in the man who would be Cain.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I kind of think I'm, like, misusing my money. Oh, I know you are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Michael Caine is Sean Connery?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, which ones?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he's I'll tell you what memento one of my favorite movies. It's crazy tenant I'm I think I'm the perfect intelligence for the people that make movies like I think if you're smarter than me You're already get the ending before it and if you're dumber than me, you can never get the ending. I'm the perfect Yeah, right in the middle. I'm right in the middle. I like the perfect window.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah for making a movie or go I Now's when they'll figure out he's dead. And you're like, oh, shut up. Like, Memento, I've watched that over and over and over again, just trying to figure it out and go, oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Starts in the middle and goes that way. Somehow. I don't know. What is the... Okay, in Memento, he... I'm dying to know if there are people that have never seen Memento because it was kind of like a low-key hit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And what's his name? Joey Pants is in it. Oh, yeah, Joey Pants. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Character of interest.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Stephen Tobolowsky. I ran into him. It's interesting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is it about those movies that I love so much? Like a movie like Groundhog's Day or Memento or even anything time travel-y. Anything like in the tenant where you can watch it back and forth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just read it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's the premise? See, this is, I think that, so, okay, soft pitch, okay? This is an app I think me and you should design. Okay. Okay. Me and you. Yep. We get along pretty well. We do. We're very different, but we're very similar.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like you're smarter than I am. I'm not sure that's true. Yeah. No, you are. You're smarter. You can do homework. You can do like, you're really good at being a grownup. These are real questions we could dig into later. There should be an app, right? Not like Grindr or Tinder. There should be an app where you can make new friends that are... That are adults. That are adults. And don't jerk you off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you type in your interest.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not the first thing that's going to happen. We might go see a movie or some other stuff. Because even talking to you when you go, oh, have you seen the following? Have you seen the man that will be? You know so much more stuff than I do. And I go like, oh, this is going to be fun to get to know you for real. So I can text you and go, hey, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. But we also don't read books.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we're on the same page. Can't read books.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If someone was getting into Hollywood right now, would you tell them just don't?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you get... I get really upset with... I'm a ride or die Los Angelinos. Like, this is my city. I live here. I raise my kids here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It would be great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was it? Yeah. Oh, I would love to go... I would love to do a Memento tour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's, yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know exactly what you're talking about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I polarize everything right now? You loved it. I loved it. I cried. Okay. I cried and my dad was watching it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Okay, I'll tell you why. Okay. This is for real. Now, listen, as a comic, I'm a contrarian.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's why I don't talk about politics, because all of my opinions are very true to who I am and how I feel, and they're always very sensitive, and they're always very raw. No, you're a good... And so this is what did it for me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I do like that as a, as a, uh, either a game show or a podcast of just someone that knows nothing about making movies. Just telling you everything. It's called I've got notes. And you just bring out... Everybody does. You're like, Bill is a truck driver. His favorite movie is... What kind of truck? Like a truck. No, no, no. Like a semi.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's so easy to fucking go like... I remember...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I shit on a movie I shit on a movie one time I don't forget what movie just for fun was I in it no no I'm in a lot I know I know what movie oh like I'll tell you a couple pretty bad movies I'll tell you what movie I bothered me was and I kind of just casually shit on it and it was uh Ferrari I actually didn't see it but I did see uh House of Gucci the House of Gucci I got so many we could talk for hours
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He loves it. This is the reason I stopped shitting on movies.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He hated House of Gucci.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Hold on. We're calling Tommy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the worst movie. He said it's the worst movie he's ever seen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was so livid about House of Gucci. It is a thing. Really? It's worth it. I've got to watch it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've got to watch it. I bet I end up liking it. I think you're going to like it. I think I'm going to fucking love it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Full freight. Tom was livid about this movie. And I just made a movie and I realized how much work goes into a movie. It's impossible. Movies are impossible. It's impossible. And then I was like, well, I'm not going to shit on movies anymore. Because I go, I can't. I forget which one was the last one. The last one I gave comments about was Ferrari because the Enzo Ferraris. Oh, no, I saw Ferrari.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is how terrible I am. I saw Ferrari. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But his wife didn't look like his wife. Nobody does. Didn't look like that. So I had a hard time connecting why he'd ever cheat on what it was her name. That's Sophia.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, hang on, I watched it on replay Sunday morning, right? So I already knew the ending. Why?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Penelope Cruz. Why would he ever cheat on Penelope Cruz? Especially the other chick where I didn't think it was that hot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I mean, it does fall under the expression of... That's what she looked like, and then that's what they have her as? I go, no, I get why you'd cheat on her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's pretty pronounced. That's my problem with representation in movies. They can't cast Scarlett Johansson as a trans female. But they can cast fucking her as... Everybody gets hotter in movies.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm on the treadmill and my dad's in my gym. My dad's at my desk. I'm on the treadmill and I turn it on and you see the Kardashians and Oprah and everyone's sitting in the waiting room.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What was the movie they shit on at the Oscars a bunch? They were like this. That was their joke movie that they were shitting on this year. They always shit on Ben Affleck movies, and I love that dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did see Air. It's outstanding. I'll watch it on the movie tonight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Him in The Town. Town's great. Yeah. Yeah. He's great. What was the movie everyone was shitting on this year? What was the movie everyone was shitting on at the Oscars?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think the branding of these, you could dummy down the branding. If you just made, okay, make the trailer for that. We used to do that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's Kramer versus Kramer. Yeah, make a conclave trailer that's meant for frat houses. We were like, do you like dudes in white? Dude, they're going to burn out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You thought the Klan was bad and white. Check out these motherfuckers. I'm still here. All these bros. Substance was... Oh, I like the substance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone trashed Wicked, but I think they trashed the marketing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I went with my daughters and my wife. I got high and I passed out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As someone told me lately. What about the press tour for Snow White?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, you mean like the original and the other one? No, the more recent one. I've watched all of them. I'm a big Agatha Christie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, and I just thought, I thought, okay, then maybe I'll write a bit about this. I'll maybe, let me watch it. And so I start watching it and they start to take off and I go, that's pretty cool, man. Rockets are pretty fucking badass. And then this is what got me. The flower.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I didn't see this one. You know what I saw? I saw Murder on the Orient Express. Express.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Josh Gad is fucking good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I saw it with him in it. With him in it. Wait, did I? Would I have seen it in L.A. with him in it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You always end up on the musicals.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's okay. My buddy Billy Gardell had a TV show called Bob Hearts Something. I have been calling it Bob Loves Danny Amendola. I thought it always looked written out like Bob loves assholes. Bob loves Abishola.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's crazy that it was successful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Come on. I've been saying Bob loves Danny Amendola for so fucking long. And he said it the other day, and I went, I've been saying the wrong fucking title.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, wait, can I tell you something? How do you not see that? Can I tell you something that I learned yesterday? And you're going to, everyone, is anyone listening downstairs? Every single human being is going to mock me for the rest of my life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I only saw the exterior shot. I never saw interior. I never saw any interior. I only watched exterior. So it was the speed and the height is what got me. And then I started going like, they're going like 20%. 1200 miles per hour. And they're at three, what? 1,700 miles per hour. And they're at like 330,000 feet in the air. And I just started going like, holy shit, what a crazy experience.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. Of... What do you think if they walked into our front yard of me and you talking? What do you think our vibe would be?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ever? Oh, I remember getting pulled out of my window and beaten by a grown man. Of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do it 100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He pulled me out of my window. Okay, were you being a dick, though? Yeah, I was. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was pulled over at the movie theater to drop off his kids, and I was pulling up. It was Hyde Park. I pulled up behind him, and then I honked it, and then I honked at him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and he was like, this, go around. And I honked again and he said, go around. And I pulled up next to him and I go, learn how to fucking drive. And I pulled up and then I got to the next light and he walked to my window and I was talking to my buddy, Sal, and I said something like, where are we going? And Sal goes, oh shit, he's here. And I went, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He pulled me out of my window and started punching me in one eye. Just punching me in one eye. And he was like, learn how to fucking drive. I'm going to fucking. And he pulled me out. Sal jumped over, jumped onto his back. I love this guy. He threw Sal off. My buddy Adam Rieger got into the front seat and drove away. In your vehicle. In my vehicle. And you're just on the street.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And life wasn't guaranteed. And I was thinking about the fragility of life. And then all these things. I got emotional. And my dad's watching. He goes, this is fucking stupid. Did you cry at this? I cried. I love that you cried.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We were on the street by the bank just under the interstate. And this guy beat the shit out of me and Sal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And, man, I never talk shit to people anymore when I was driving.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We mostly used to just like- You were taught manners. We were taught manners at least. In that moment, I realized, okay, I'm not the biggest man out here. You forgot your manners for a minute. Yeah, I'm a kid. I think I'm tough because I got a car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You just forgot your manners.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We had a squatter in front of our house we live in. He was in a camper. And the neighbors, these type of neighbors that you saw over there, came over to me and we were just- We're going to set this guy on fire. No, they said.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. Whoa, whoa. They said, you need to get him to move. This is your house. Okay. And I said, yeah, I'm not good at that. And they're like, what do you mean? I said, like, I don't know. I'll try. So I knocked on his door and I was like, hey, man, you can't park here. And he was like, yeah, yeah, I can. And I was like, no, you can't. And he's like, no limitations.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I was like, I don't know the policy. I just was like, hey, man, we're building here and we don't want you here. And he was like, yeah, you can go fuck yourself. I'm staying here. So I looked at Leanne. I was like, this is not going to happen. And now we've escalated. The guys come over, and they're like, what did he say? And I said, he's not moving.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the one guy goes, the machine can't get him to move. We can move him. They went.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They brought baseball bats over. And they started destroying his camper van with baseball bats. And when he came out, they beat him with a baseball bat and then they moved it for him. They put him in it and they moved it for him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why? I cry all the time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had a neighbor.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You ready for this? I don't know if I'm going full.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't like confrontation. I had a neighbor who a guy was breaking into our house during construction, breaking into our house. And he caught him. And he held him at gunpoint with a gun in his mouth on the corner of the street until the cops came.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm just like, I'm not that kind of guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They shot, what's his name? The lead singer of Weezer's Wife.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bass player.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're a good actor, a good writer, a good producer. All those combined.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I hate confrontation. Jill Schreiner, bassist guy Schreiner, was shot by police. That's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's Kardashians.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't imagine how bad of a cop I'd be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I would definitely. There would be a lot of times where I shot people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where I'd be like, wow, that didn't go the way I thought it would.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bam. I'd overuse my power.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah i was my favorite you ever hear uh and this is this is the kind of cop i'd be they asked dmx one time he got arrested you ever hear the story he got arrested at the airport he got arrested for impress impersonating a federal agent and they were like how did that what happened yeah oh yeah so he was like was he dressed up like x-files or what he was no so so you can buy my daughter's just asked for these you can buy uh um
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
sirens to put in your car oh yeah no you're not supposed to do it you're not supposed to do it the way DMX did it you're not supposed to do that and DMX was like what was DMX doing with the he was at the airport he was running madly for a flight and this Asian dude's going mad slow in front of me so I hit him with the lights I pulled him over and he didn't pull over dude's not respecting my authority and they're like but you're not a cop he goes yeah but he didn't know that
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. By the way. Got to be. Immediately bring Playboy back. Do a fucking photo shoot of all of them naked. Yeah. Yeah. I'd buy it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He should have pulled over. So now I had to run him off the road.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they go, but don't you not have a driver's license? And he goes, no, I don't have a driver's license. And they're like, you still drive? And DMX's response was, catch me if you can.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you that documentary blew me away? I always believe in innocence first. Of course. He really killed them. Allegedly, yeah, I mean I don't want to get in trouble civil.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's spec.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have a buddy who owns a lot of OJ memorabilia Mm-hmm when his stuff and they said you could buy the glove
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm only looking at two.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I'm aware.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They just said, don't take your arthritis medicine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No way. It's not working.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no, they're no they're they're not This is never crazy when you look at literally never come up in their feet that both of us are like I'll get in trouble for crying I already know you can highlight what people are gonna not like and I'll get in trouble on this podcast for not hating the female astronauts and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wouldn't mind seeing Amanda win.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I always say, don't underestimate what a Karen we actually are. Everyone looks at Karens and they go, fuck that lady. And you forget that you are a couple cocktails. I know, I'm definitely a Karen a lot of the time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's kind of crazy, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. The only thing that saves me from most Karen moments is that I've had a mic on the majority of my adult life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so you recognize that you're, I always feel like everyone's always listening to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My favorite one, have you seen the girl get chokeslammed? No. No. It's the best one. Where? State? Florida? What part of Florida? I'm guessing. No, no, no, no. What part of Florida? No, no, no. Oh, not part of Florida. I think it's New York. It's called Karma Karen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Karma Karen. Karma Karen Choke Slam. Body Slam. Just say Karen Body Slam. Uh... Okay, in Toledo. Toledo, Ohio. Is this it? In Toledo, that's it. This is so good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, this is from a different angle. I've never seen this angle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's crazy. I feel like we've regressed. So when I was raised, you weren't allowed to hit women no matter what, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But carrying videos like this, we watch and we go, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Even if you got hit by a girl, a woman.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, so I went to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at the Sun Dome when I was like 17 years old. And my buddies all got into a fist fight. You're supposed to let girls hit you. And this girl, big tits, blonde, probably 5'10", starts beating the shit out of me. I mean, is that the girl that got slammed? Again, I'm on her side. And she got me to a place where I fell in between seats.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I couldn't move my arms to get them over my face. And she's just punching the shit out of me. But she's not scratching. Not scratching. I'm like, this girl grew up in fucking Pasco County. Just unleashing on me. Good for her. I'm happy for her. And I was like, someone please punch this woman. Someone please punch this woman. I got the shit kicked out of me by a woman.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, there's too much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I remember we got out of the fucking sun dome and they're at their car. What did you do though? It was, it was, uh, I've never been an instigator on fights. I'm always the guy that makes the smart ass comment. that sets it off, you know? So what was the situation here?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm sure it was my friends fucking with these older rednecks, and I made the comment of like, I really don't remember that fight. I know for a fact I got punched one time. I mean, it was so, so clean. Lambda Chi, ATO, we're at Yanni's. This is two days after the officers got acquitted for the Rodney King. And I dropped in a... Can't we all just get along? It's just too soon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe it was too raw, and I got punched hard as fuck. Whose side am I on in this one? Give me a second.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, you fucked up by saying it. I go, okay, guys, guys, guys, guys. And I mean, can't we all just get along? Right after, right after the Rodney came. He had just said it. Man, this is like topical before topical. These are guys that probably hadn't even heard it. And fucking boom, I got punched hard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll tell you the worst one. The worst one. You just added his name out, but his name's important to the story. Can we? Okay. this. When you hear the name, you can picture him. No, no, no. You gotta picture him. I wonder if you can find him online. Anyway, he was a beast. He was our captain of our baseball team and he is just fucking jacked. He is one of the biggest men I've ever seen in...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cuban mm-hmm thick neck huge arms big chest big legs fastest dude the most natural athlete I'd ever seen in my entire life mm-hmm he's the captain of our baseball team and We are screwing around and he goes Bert Chrysler. Shut your face. I go. Okay. Give me a second. I Perfect. And he doesn't like it. And he goes, quit being a smartass. Like, well, what's better than being a dumbass?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he comes back, and he starts a fight. Me, Sean Kent, Sean Hooker, Troy Kent, Dean Kent, Joe Shwell, and Jimmy Cook all get on this guy, and they pull him off us, right? No, it's six of us, okay? One guy. One guy. That's how manly this guy was. So we're all warming up, baseball practice. We're warming up, and they say... Don't worry. He gets like that sometimes. He gets hot-headed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When he comes out, he's probably going to just apologize to you. You know what he's going to do? He's probably going to want to pull you aside and have a talk with you because he's the captain of the team. I was like, cool. So we all get done warming up, and we're walking back into the dugout, and out comes Freddie with a baseball bat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we're like, oh, he's probably going to want to ask you to throw some BP to him. And I was like, okay, yeah, sure. So then they go, we'll give you guys some time. So they five walk away, and Freddie just comes up and, No. Whap hits me with a baseball bat. In the head? No, in the head. In the arm. I block it with my arm. I have my glove on, and I have a ball in my hand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm trying to punch him with a ball in my hand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it... Five guys. That's a bruise that's like black, purple. Jump on... Me and him. You know what's so crazy? In a fight, you don't feel it in the moment. You feel it later. All of a sudden, a day later, you're like, why is my ear hurt?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This guy beat up six of us. He beat up six of us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's the problem.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is the problem. This is why you got to be really careful whenever you make jokes about MMA guys, because not all MMA guys have senses of humor. You think? I know for a fact. I know for a fact.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But for sure don't get a bunch. You got to be careful with MMA guys. You got to know that they have a sense of humor if you're going to make jokes. Because some guys really don't have... They're like, yeah, I don't...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Until either he or I die. Joe told me to get into jujitsu because it helps with confrontation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think it's the idea that you touch, like even the idea of like touching another guy and wrestling with them makes me uncomfortable. I go, I'd rather just sit in the corner.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I would love just a nice conversation and apology and just go, I'm sorry. I never should have said that. There's been a couple guys where I'll get texts and they're like, yeah, don't make a joke about that guy. And I'm like, okay, cool. Never mind. Guy's dead to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think we're all ultimately Karens.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was in therapy with my wife when we were talking about rage issues. She's going through menopause. Oh no, I've met her. No, you, yeah. No, I met her. And our therapist goes, is there something you can say to her in a moment of rage that'll calm her down? And I went, yeah, let me, like a safe word. I go, okay, like, hey, you're acting like a fucking idiot. Is that a good safe word?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's like, no, that would just make her more mad. I go, everything's going to make her more mad in a rage moment. No one has the wherewithal to be like. You're right. I'm overreacting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go in, I go in with your, me, you and your wife.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, we all go to the same therapist and we bring our other therapist and then we all bring, it's like a powwow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you would love this shit I bring. So we compete in therapy. So we declare a winner.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My therapist the other day literally goes... Licensed psychiatrist or therapist? I don't know. What's the difference? Can they prescribe medication? Oh, I want one of those. That's a psychiatrist. Fuck, let's go to a... Can you do couple psychiatry? Can you? Hmm, that's a great question. Where they go, you need Adderall, you need Xanax.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Couple psychiatrists and they put you guys on the same drug?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, Leanne. Everybody's mad at me. Leanne trains for him. Oh, she's ready?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know what she did the other day? She goes, we have therapy tomorrow. And I said, nice. And she goes, you're going down and then did double guns. That's not the way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I smoked her so fucking hard this last therapy. This is not what you're supposed to be doing. She brought up one that she thought she was going to win. I'm just glad that we are not mad at those space origin ladies. I think that's a great way to close this podcast out. I think that, now who's the next, like, who's the next? Going to space? Yeah. It's got to be someone uncancelable, like 50 Cent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got into a place where you got to look for something on porn that is so bizarre. You're like, what is that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. I'm taking it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a home run.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I like this draft. Hang on. Space draft. Are we doing all dudes? Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of course. Okay. I mean, I think you got to put – so you need someone who's like super, super, super liberal. God, I wish Pete Rose were alive. Anderson Cooper.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he's your gal, right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of course it's Roker. Al Roker would be great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We need an Asian guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dr. Ken, Ken Jeong. Ken's also really funny. And he's a doctor, though. So he could be like, he'll test tampons. I know, but he's too legit. Yeah. You need Asian. Oh, what about Scott Lynn, the basketball player? Jeremy Lynn. Don't know him, perfect. Okay, yeah. Jeremy Lin, and he's just an advocate for something. Just rando, yeah, we get randos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you need a trust wife, like Lauren Sanchez. Oh, Stedman!
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
torture dongs and you know everybody like when did we get torture is shows up i don't know what i clicked on one time cock torture it's dude i every time i get like because i'm a point of view guy it's pov pov cock torture pov pov milking table and i'm like i was like i wish i could reset my fucking i'm sure history you probably can't can't you no i can't do it no can you believe that there's parts of this country they want you to put in your driver's license and sign up for an account on porn that'll happen
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Remind me. You know Jesse Itzler? Remind me. His wife created Spanx. He's an entrepreneur, but he'd be a good guy to go. He created, and he's like, he had David Goggins. There's a solid argument.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a, I mean. No, no, visually. Visually, yes. Visually, yes. It is crazy when you get your wife naked and she has Spanx on and you're like, that's what that was? That's what that was. It is crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw my wife.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know when you open the Crescent Rolls and it... Yes. I got a male Spanx top that held your chest in and your stomach in, and it worked until someone touched you, and they're like, did you just have surgery? And you're like, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think I have body dysmorphia in the right way, in the wrong way, where I look at my body and I go, nice. Oh, that's great. And then everyone's like, not nice. I saw my wife putting on lotion naked today, and I thought to myself, that's what a woman's supposed to look like. But I go, that's not what they put it out there. They put it out that you need a sexoskeleton. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You put that woman in Spanx, she looks like a fucking... I mean, she looks good already, but put her in Spanx and it's a different fucking piece.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got it at, there was a store in a mall that was made for television. You ever seen that? What's it called?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've seen it on TV.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've seen it on TV, and I bought it in there, and I was like, this works so well.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wore it with a collared shirt because that's when my stomach always is a problem, in collared shirts. And I gave a guy a hug, and he's like, oh, whoa, what happened? Whoa. What are you talking about? And he's like, did you have surgery? Yeah. I was like, huh? Because it's hard. It's hard as a rock. Yeah, it's what you want. But the question is, so what's a better idea?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, I'm getting to a point where I go, do I open a second bottle of wine? What's a better idea? A pill that makes you feel great about your body or a pill that makes your body great?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's so crazy. I feel like that was stand-up. I always look at people coming off stage that are stand-ups and they go, I crushed it, I killed it, I destroyed. And then I'm like... Wait, I didn't see that. Who feels that? Uh-oh, delusional comics. I've never, no. Delusional comics. I always walk off stage, I was like, ugh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, there's a milking table.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, thank you for doing this. You're the fucking best. You are the fucking best. You're like my new favorite friend. I really enjoy your brain, and I know that you're so different than I am that it's so fun. I can't wait. I'm going to watch the following and the Covenant. What's the one with the priests? Conclave. Conclave on the plane tonight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Until they do. And they're like, just someone comes on vacation. Like, can I get a picture with you? And they're like, how did they know who you were? And then they bite your ear and blood comes out. No spoilers. And then they watch our body of work. And they're like, these guys are not gods. This is the guy. This is the guy that conquered our country. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, just heads up, if you ever get a massage and they do have that hole in the center, do not get a massage. I've never gotten a massage like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Or they fall in love with you once they see your body of work. You create, you all of a sudden. That seems very unlikely.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Show business is a struggle. You're telling me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're the best. Thank you for doing this, man. Love you back, brother.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I'm always shocked. Can I always tell you? I think I can trust that we're the same type of guy. I think so. I think we're both very, probably highly sensitive, highly creative, highly like... Big criers. Big criers, yeah. Yeah. I have, I'm always almost offended, somewhat blown away at guys who ask for hand jobs and massages.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It breaks my heart that you think the world is that transactional that you can just go, Hey, what about a little, huh? Like I, and I, I've, I was on a, I was at, I do. I mean, I do that at the dentist, but that's different.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I actually, at the dentist, I was like, the last time I was there, I was like, it's so crazy. I don't let a lot of people put their fingers in my mouth. Oh, yeah, it's weird. But they just randomly, people just put their fingers. Let me just get in there. Yeah, I'm always blown away at guys who can do that. I think it's just crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's why I carry these around. Oh, they look like you're fancy? He's a reader, huh? Mm-hmm. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, they have tiers.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's it? That's just one of the videos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, okay. Says he doesn't like the smell. It doesn't make sense.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He is now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When you say what type of crowds, I meant what type of numbers, man. Like how many people are showing up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She was fucked up, dude. Nah, that's good, man. I think... Are you keeping her youth? I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You think he'll be like, hey... Did I say some shit before I knew?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to talk about this show and you just... Hey, Drewski.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, fuck out of here, man. You're still putting that twist on me. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, you know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Gamey. Yeah. You're like, what is this, venison? You've got to pick your battles. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bad boy for life. Take that, take that, take that, take that, take that, take that, take that, take that. Okay, okay. Okay. All right. He left.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why wouldn't you do that? You're a superstar.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's an Odell move for sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top and swap, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All of them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Druski STORMS Off The Podcast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're not going to do the type shit off bat. Guys, scratch all the black shit we were going to do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mm-mm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How Prison Changed Danny Trejo's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How Prison Changed Danny Trejo's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God, I love them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How Prison Changed Danny Trejo's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're not. And you've got to be strong enough to know you're doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that's AI.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think about that, yeah. I've never had that thought. Are you serious? Zero. Zero percent. Zero. Zero percent have I ever thought about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right. Yeah, it's just the way it goes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, a few people. That's the truth. I just did. George Carlin died, and I would say most people 35 and under died. That name doesn't even ring a bell. No. It's just the way it goes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. You really think he wouldn't know? Peter would never. Did you know who he was? You did know. From what? Your parents? You just knew yourself? Yeah. Most people. I was asking Tanner off camera. Most people I would think don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you want to be like... No, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're in doubles?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Once you get to that place where you can be super present about today, that's the goal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. I've never been on them, so I wouldn't know. Is you on SSRIs? SSRIs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Were you depressed? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you don't count. Was I depressed? Yeah. Were you depressed when you got on them? Oh, no, no, no. No. Oh, really? So did it make you a little happier?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's trying to think of innovators and world leaders that are... Kim Jong-un.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
SSRIs. We got Kingman's bod.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we didn't even get to that. God, look at him, man. He's fucking jacked. Yeah. Shit. I saw that lean. She's like, whoa.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Have her dye her hair red. Did I ever tell you the time? This is such a good story. I like how you whispered like we're not on mic. What's the matter? You just jumped from the roof. Kingman did? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no, there's not. Look at that psycho.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What? Like that whole thing online about how that's a bit. It was made up. You never seen that? No. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You didn't see it for real? No. You know. It's like it's pretty like somebody goes, come on. And then he goes, no, it's a whole bit we did. Like Ari tells that it's a whole bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's not a bit. I almost called you to be like, wait, this is a bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you're a fucking asshole too. Let me tell you this, what you did. What did I do? You with fucking Jay Oakerson. I saw a clip where he's like, he's like, everybody says that like... Oh yeah, everyone's critiquing every part of my personality. And then you're like, Tom's a... Fucking Ari's a... And I'm like, yo, it was right at... You caught a stray.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you. You caught a stray. That was unfair. It was a day after you go, you know, I actually find myself not interested in what people say, but I'd like to be interested. Then you're like, Tom's a fucking... Speak up, motherfucker. I'm like, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know the thing is the problem with that what it's so catchy that it makes you think it's okay to say it i know i mean so it's like one of those songs where you're like everyone's having a good time dude Like, why can't I have a good time with him?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's kind of cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It looks good. Is Kingman doing it for the camera? I don't know why he's doing it, but he's having fun. It seems somewhat high risk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're just singing it to yourself?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is true.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Would he tell stories or just like ask questions? Great fucking stories. Great stories.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That looks like a woman. That's Phillip Lee.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that could be a fucking rat. I would love if there was an accident.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For anything?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like a cool gay... Well, hold on. I'm not a bad thing. I'm thinking like a cool, rich, gay guy in Palm Springs who has kind of like a cool estate. Yes, it's perfect for this house. Yeah, it is. We still didn't talk about the house. Okay, we'll talk about the house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They do like that. They're see-through.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't know the name of the brand?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got it on Amazon?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can you see those?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, it's flying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're just that into aviation? No, I read about it. I do like aviation. You're like, oh, wow, this is so fun. It's like you lose your inhibitions because you're not in control. And it happens to a lot of people. You're like a Fifty Shades of Grey flyer. Oh, I almost bust a nut sitting there sometimes. Just because you lose control.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've also fallen asleep. had like a near wet dream experience on a flight, woken up and had a male flight attendant being like, do you have a good nap? Like just staring at my dick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, what's this brand? I want to know the brand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we still have not said where we are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We are at... Hold on. It's South by Southwest. We're in Austin. We're at the Porosos Portal House. This is like an invite-only experience where we've invited a bunch of people. We have NADC burgers here. We have a DJ. We have giveaways. There's Porosos everywhere. And people just... Having a good time. We just got here like 30 minutes ago, but it's been super fun. It's been going off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But let me ask you this. Oh, my God. You're obsessed with this. Be honest. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's going to go off for the next few days, I think, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To return that fucking outfit or what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You almost fucked him?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When you're alone, you actually say it, right? Nope. I have not said it yet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I just tell you something? Yes. I know when you're lying. So... It's okay, you say, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did an interview for my UK shows, and I had a total brain fart where I was doing an interview with a radio show in Belfast, and I was like, oh, the last time I went to Ireland, it was on the days of the King's Coronation. Oh, yeah, I remember that. So there's no way you could duplicate this experience. It happens when it happens. I happened to be...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But what I forget is that that day I was in Dublin. I wasn't in Belfast. And so I tell these radio, they're like all happy. I was like, yeah. So I went up there and I go, it was magical. I got on stage and the first thing I said on the day of the King's coronation was fuck the King. And the place went, they went into song. They started singing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you put on Wu-Tang Clan, you go, shame on anyone who tries to run game on anyone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't know if we were going to be able to start the show. I turned around. I have it on video. I turned around to my guys, and I was like, and they started singing. I was like, oh, maybe they're not even going to stop singing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm looking at these three guys. I'm telling this story, and they're all like, and they're like, yeah, this is Belfast. Like, we're not Dublin. This is Northern Ireland. A lot of people support the king. I was like, oh, you can, I go, you can cut this out of the interview. Yeah. Because they were like, yeah, a lot of people here don't like that. And I was like, sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they were like, anyway, go see Tom's show in Belfast. It was such a train wreck. I was like, I probably should have thought about this before I spoke. They didn't like it, dude. They didn't like it at all.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It was his coronation day when I was there last. Oh, wow. Yeah. But it's a different reception in Dublin than in Belfast. I remember when Charles and Diana got married.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah? I mean, when was that death? It was in the 90s, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's what I'm looking for in life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A thong, yeah. A woman's ass just appeared in our face. Hers. Hey, Kingman, how you doing? He knows what we're looking at now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Imagine if you took your skill set now and put it in 18-year-old Bert and let him have sex with someone back then with who you are now. Dude, that's not a bad idea. Well, it's an impossible idea. Just go back and fuck all the chicks you fucked. Right, but with your current day approach. Oh, with my skill set now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, well, just to put it in perspective for people, you're in Vegas?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, you were probably older than a kid.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the whitest way you could discover hip hop is a news magazine show. There's an all new movement starting called rap.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What'd you say to him?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he's gotten really into it. It's a $600,000 watch. Every day it's a new one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That pivot for him of being like a pivot. He was like weird, robot, autistic guy. And now he's like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
canoe something okay i don't know that guy but uh but it was it was a really epic fucking night like we had dude if you are interested in like directing or filmmaking the a must is apocalypto apocalypto is the greatest it's so fucking amazing it does not get talked about enough if you've never seen it Mel Gibson directed this movie. He's not in it. He directed it. And there's no dialogue.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's an epic... So you're watching epic storytelling without people speaking that is so compelling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're not actors. And they're amazing in it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I know why I like you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's so funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We had such a great time. His references are out of this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But the interesting thing is, you said, the song's actually, it's fat N-word season. Season.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no idea.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That would be awesome, man. You could get away with it, man. I guess I'll start drinking. That's cool. Are you going to drink today? I've already been drinking. Oh, for real? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A little while after this, then go home. And like you, I have things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it happens to all of us. You can find that underwear out?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's really nuts, the way that it came together. It's really crazy. Wait, what? Tell me. So I brought in Chris and Michaela, who did hair and makeup on my series. It's called Zonbalon. Let me see.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Zombalon pouch underwear. Oh, yeah, for sure. It's for gay dudes. But I brought the people who did hair and makeup for the series, and we just gave them this photo of Robert Smith. And then they just transformed me. Shaved me. He got the wig. Chris did. Chris Clark. And then Michaela did the makeup. And it was pretty spot on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, there's a magical moment that happened on the show, too, which is that we had this guy, Tony John, the guy who's like Tony John's. I always fuck that up. How he's he's like this, you know, wild dude who's like, I like blowing bitches backs out and shit. He was working at Lowe's a long time. He got fired and we brought him and we did like a bachelor style show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Remember Ben Affleck and... And Matt Damon, they did that movie about Jordan signing with Nike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was called. One of the things that took me out of the movie is the actor, they don't show his face. But the guy that they clearly, he's supposed to be Michael. He's like 6'1".
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then he started posting online that he wants to get into the adult industry and be a male performer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he tagged in a video Alexis Fox. And then during the podcast, Alexis Fox was watching and called in and was like, I'll do a scene with him. And then we got to tell him live that she said yes. And he's working at Walmart. He's like, fuck, yeah, I'll just leave Walmart. So he's quit his job. He's just like, I'm going to be an adult performer. And this is like coming together now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That happened live on the show. Oh, wow. So it was pretty crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I mean, it goes a little beyond that. I think we're going to bring in new people. But it's incredible production value. Everything is cinematic. The stories are completely insane. It's wild stories. So it's a lot of fun. I think we're going to have something pretty unique.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're watching this thing and you're like, why wouldn't you just... Because the whole thing is they were like, we don't want to show somebody's face. Yeah. Because he's so iconic, you're just going to go, that's not him. So they shoot it in a way where he walks in rooms and you're seeing profiles and shadows.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But aren't you like two-thirds, four-thirds? two something 245 245 okay if you did that at 245 that'd be that's pretty impressive actually yeah like i fuck man i really hate running and i've been doing it more just trying to get myself in the running mindset for this thing my goal is just to do something like you okay yeah I don't think I can run a 24-minute 5K.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a lot. It's a lot. You know the worst part, by the way? I didn't tell you this about Robert Smith thing for YR's Live. Weeks before, we were entertaining this idea, and I was just like... Looking at Robert Smith on the podcast, I was like, man, this guy looks like a fucking bag of shit. He looks terrible. And then when I became Robert Smith, everyone was like, you look exactly like him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, you are a dead ringer for this guy that looks like hot shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is at least, for me, when there's some growth, I'm a little more comfortable being myself. When it's fresh baby shaves, I cannot stand it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not really that big into it, honestly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The one after Lucky?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Kind of. But you're like, this guy's clearly not 6'6". Why wouldn't you just... I don't understand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That'd be cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't think that's going to help a relationship with Hulu.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a great question.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you have the option now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Permission to party, that's what I named this tour. Oh, that's good. I'm going to have a good amount of time off. Uh-oh, when? When this tour ends. This tour ends for me in December.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's it. 6'6 and black. That's fucking like a diamond. That's like a fucking blonde with big tits. They're everywhere, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but the weird thing is you're kind of reading my mind. I know. I'm checking out this chick's ass, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, hi. Hi, how are you? Hey, how's it going? Hi. You're on TV. We weren't talking about you. Oh, yeah, this is piped in there. Sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, especially. They're here, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus, Bert. Bert. You shouldn't talk like that. That's somebody's mother.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll tell you this. You're not wrong, man. I mean, it's possible.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I see your love of touring is very authentic. Yeah. Really. You actually become a different person when you're on tour. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, those are my... The last one I did... I'll tell you this because I don't... I mean, I obviously don't know exactly what the future holds, but one of the things I did tell my agent about a next tour, I was like, some of these...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
markets that we're doing i go just let me do a theater run the next time yeah like i i miss that experience of like park in the city and do wednesday through saturday park in the city be on like the coolest street in the city yeah go have lunch get a coffee and go to the fucking ymca one a night i go no doubles i want to do one a night would be fucking gold and and you just go and and like actually enjoy that week in that place
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think that'd be fun to do. Split it up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We just see everyone walk out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Outside the city? Oh, I know what you're talking about. It's like 3,500. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's one of Bill's.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. You really do love that shit, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Not a bad one, man. Yeah. I used to do it with disc golf. I don't know. I'm excited to get back on the road. You're going to have a lot of fun. So this is the end of my tour forever. Do you think you could direct me in a movie?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I think I can work with you. What are you talking about? Yeah? Yeah. Let's do that. Okay, we could do that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There you go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you want it to be the paparazzi chasing you the way they did Diana? You would love that. In a tunnel in Paris?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everybody was saying that shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, how about one? Let's raise one to Gene Hackman, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, if you want to see what got him famous, too, and you haven't seen The French Connection, it's fucking unbelievable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't think that's Chinatown, maybe?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, but he's awesome. And the movie's unbelievable. I just watched it again. I watched it last week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's great in everything, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Royal Tenenbaums. The Conversation. He's so good in everything he did. Really, really amazing talent. I think we should wrap it up. We've got to go socialize. Are you going to eat a burger? No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Easy, Tom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, a little bit. Hey, ladies. Hey, how you doing? How's it going? All right, let's go check out some asses and some IVs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's this thing, too, that, like... Because there's something where black guys can just make anything cool. They're like the first guys to be like, nah, if you're a fat motherfucker, that's cool too. Because Biggie, I think of him and Big Pun and Fat Joe and all those guys were like, yeah, we're fat. We're fat as shit. And so what? And they were still cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm on my one piece. I don't mind. Go shopping. Go shopping in the gift bag area.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Those are mushrooms. Yeah. Nootropics. Yeah. Let's go get some.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. All different colors. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, we'll see you guys next time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So many things, but... Yeah, what's one of the things?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. I've got to take you to this gym I've been going to.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And what did he think of that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he was like, no, mine actually fits.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sometimes in porn, sometimes you watch the guy. If you're really dialed in, you watch him giving her a quarter of his dick. Sometimes you're like, this guy's got a hammer on him, and he's not slamming. He's taking it easy on her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The biggest dick is this best for show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The one who goes, oh, that's all I wanted. 10 inches and as big as a liquid death can she's so deeply traumatized like mentally you know her upbringing was not ideal and she's the one who's like that looks perfect that's not a chick you really want to settle down with you know you want a girl who wants a normal sized dick I think
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, you liked the personality.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was going to say, I've heard some different opinions over the years.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So the tits got better, the personality soured. But the tits have gotten so much better.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's great, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's really cool, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You really are like a black guy. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's real love. You really love her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
when you showed me a picture that was AI at that party. Remember, you're like, I'm going to show Tom this AI. And then she jumped and grabbed the phone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There he is. Well, you were adamant on the last pod that you were like, Fat N-Words, Fat N-Words, it's my obsession. I love it. I'm always playing Fat N-Words. And then we were doing searches for it. No one could find it. No one could find it. It wasn't like a song that came up in the results of like... Spotify or Apple or any of that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So there's all kinds of places in LA that you and Franco rebuilt?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because I knew that you had done that. Was that from studying business or did you always go, I'm going to do real estate?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Um, I got to ask you this cause I was so fascinated by this when I was watching your doc series, the on, on Netflix is that, you know, growing up, like we all were, we, we knew about your bodybuilding, but we all became like, it's obviously super fans from the movies and there's, you know, it's no social media at the time. You don't have access to information. So you see the story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And one of the things I was most fascinated by was the rivalry with Stallone because when you're a kid, um, You kind of go, you imagine, I wonder what there was. I wonder if they like each other. And seeing this was the first time you guys talked about, verifiably, that you guys had a real rivalry. And how did it originate?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What made you guys, was it just the fact that you were competing in the box office, or was it deeper than that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's better to be, also, because like, especially in entertainment, you know, you can surround yourself here with negative people. There's a lot of negative people around. It's like, you just try to embrace being around positive people. It just changes everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, I wanted to add, because you were talking about your mail order business back then, that now you have the daily newsletter that goes out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you. Because I think you've always been the walking advocate for health and fitness for years and years. But I think one of the things is as people age, so many people stay away from training. You just see it all the time. But you're somebody who obviously you're the standard for lifting, but you still train. And it's something where I feel like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Somebody who is getting into their 50s or 60s and 70s. It's like you keep training and you look great, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow. I wanted to ask you this because I've always been fascinated. Everybody who's ever trained, played sports, experiences cramps at some point, right? And it's usually that you're depleted from sodium and you need electrolytes in your system. Would you guys cramp in bodybuilding shows? Because you're flexing so hard. I always wondered.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But then your mind also, because you would, psychologically, you would do something in competition too, right? Because it seemed like you always had an upper hand. on your competition when you guys were leading up to it and backstage, you were doing something different.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, it's funny because it's so true. And it's funny that it goes back to physique because I think, you know, you alluded to it earlier about being young men. But like when you're a kid growing up and you honestly see your physique first – It kind of looks like make-believe. It's kind of like a cartoon. It's like a drawing. You're like, is this a real fucking guy? I mean, all of it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so you just kind of go like, I remember the first, I have such a vivid memory. I did a father-son trip. when I was nine years old. His father was a power, a competitive power lifter. He was an Olympic lifter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Olympic lifter. He was a three-time state champion Olympic lifter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Olympic lifting was, he doesn't, like, you know, if you mention.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, actually, he did Ozempic when he was pre-diabetic. But the person who helped me lose weight recently was Phil Goglia. He was Mr. California once, and he changed my diet and workout routine. He was fantastic with it. But what I was going to was when I did a father-son trip, I was nine years old, and I still remember... We were in a hotel. I think we were in Orlando.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he goes, it was just me and him. He goes, don't tell your mother, but I'm going to let you watch a rated R movie tonight. And I was like, oh, great. This is in the hotel. And he puts on Predator. And so I'm nine years old and I had never seen a rated R movie. And I was like, this is the shit. He was like, do not tell your mom. And I see you in that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you become like, you know, that's who I basically kind of learning who you are. But then we just follow you. First, like I said, physically, you're just like, is this a realistic attainable thing? And you realize, probably not. But all the things that you've done become inspiring. And I do think it is kind of like, of course, anybody can choose to, but I think as a young man,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you follow a great man and you go, this is an inspiration first physically and then through all your philanthropy and then your great career. So it's just a huge inspiration who you are, being yourself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you would gas them up sometimes. Because I've seen clips where you're like, wow, you look really good, man. I'm worried about you. And you could tell that that guy was like, wait, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he was really into the Olympic stuff. So he started competition at 14 and was the Kentucky State Champion at 14.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
People were laughing. You mentioned Ivan Reitman. You worked with a lot of great directors. Do you have favorites that you just loved?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Say again? Do you have a favorite beverage with a cigar?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that daily newsletter too has so much information, has different perspective on what's going on in the country, fitness, everything. It's all great information, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How are we going to move forward without schnitzel? Exactly. This is impossible. He said he would be okay with the world ending at his funeral. Exactly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, also you have twins coming in the new year.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Arnold Schwarzenegger PUMPS UP The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He might croak during the podcast now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You told me last night, this is, I think, conversations like this are fascinating to me. Yeah. You said... What were the two that are just carrying the brand right now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It wouldn't be... This is a really interesting pivot because... And this is... Maybe this is a disconnect where people hear us talk about watches and they don't understand. It's not... It's not talking about the ones we actually have. It's always about the ones you want. Yeah. What's fun for me. Is like the chase. The chase. And by the way. It's like pussy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Christian McCaffrey's like, Dad? Dad? And his dad's like, take it out. Let's go. Let's go. And he gets in the car and he's like, Dad? He's like, never mind. These IVs are a bad idea.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude. That's also. It's like dogs. A slogan for Porsche. It's like dogs, Tom. You know how I love to fuck dogs. Yeah. Coco, you're really getting an earful on this podcast. What's funny is like, so when we got Priscilla. Yeah, and you fucked it. And I fucked her to death.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The best part of Priscilla, in my opinion, was the six months, maybe seven months leading up where I was looking at breeders and I was looking at breeds and I was trying to pick what dog we needed as a family. Yeah. And that was my favorite part. I hope you're connecting to this and understand what I'm talking about.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like the funnest part of buying a car is looking at cars, is the funnest part. And I do this, I eventize my life way too much. Like right now, the greatest part about today is Sunday for me, because it's the Masters just started today, and I can't wait to Sunday. I'm picking out my outfit, I'm wearing my Masters hat, I'm gonna be watching it all day, I'm gonna be drinking mint juleps.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm so excited for Sunday, because the Masters started today. And that is the whole thing about any good you want, And whether it's watches, dude, never buy a watch. But look at them. They're so fun to look at. Dude, I look at watches I'll never buy. John Mayer has one of the baddest motherfucking watches ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's it called? It's an AP?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a John Mayer AP. Yeah. And by the way, you really want to get blown out of the water? Listen to the podcast John Mayer did with Ed Sheeran. Have you heard that? Those two are really, really deep. Oh, you can't. You can't. John Mayer doesn't say, nice watch. Do you know what he says? Oh, serial number AP4579? Yeah. Nice. I've got seven, eight, zero dash two.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He really is. And by the way. His collection is like... No, it's world class.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That, for me, I'm nowhere near there. Not even remotely. I don't even think... Like, Sylvester Stallone's crazy. Can I tell you someone who fucking shaded me for my watch? Who? Shaq. What do you mean? You're stupid. Spending all that money on a watch. Invictus. Invictus is so much better. Get that shit off your wrist. Get your money back. Get an Invictus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And part of me was like, does Shaq own Invictus?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because I said, what kind of watch do you wear because you're so big? How small is a toothbrush in his mouth? Yeah. Well, yeah, I know, right? You ever sit on a toilet and your dick hits the porcelain? Yeah. How the fuck does he shit? Every time he shits, he's holding his balls. And he's just like... But he goes, Invictus. Invictus is a great line of watches.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, man, get your money back. Just buy plane tickets. Dude, can we pivot and talk about Mexican women? Sure. Coco, are you Mexican? No, I really think I am. What are you? Oh, old school.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, sure. If I could start over, I would have taught one girl. I would have had one of my daughters be a nurse and the other be a masseuse. Hey, Coco, Coco, how good are IVs for you? They're amazing for you. They're amazing for you. 100% of that is going into your bloodstream. And this is going into our cells.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, speed me up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I don't. Maybe I do. Did you say that though? No, I don't speak Italian. I speak Spanish. I speak enough. Apparently, I don't speak good Spanish. Well, yeah, you were just in Spain, right? Yeah, I was in Spain. And apparently, my Spanish sounds a lot like me ice need. How would you say it? Yo necesito ice. I mean, okay. You get a part of it, right? Yeah. Yo necesito frio. I need cold.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There we go. Okay. George is like, dad, you're not speaking what you think you're speaking. And I'm like, are you serious? He's like, buddy, you sound horrific. But you said it with full confidence. I say it with very confidence.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tu quieres agua. That means. No, yo quiero agua. That's good. Yeah. But here's the thing about Mexican women, okay? So pretend you're my husband, okay? My husband? Yeah, I'm the Mexican woman. You're my husband, okay? Can you do a wide shot on two of us? Okay, come to me. So I'm sending you to work. First off, we're going to start with Mexican women's lunchboxes for their husband. Google it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's fucking incredible, okay? They hand them the lunchbox, and then they do this. They go, and they kiss you. I think that's the coolest shit in the world. Yeah. Every Mexican woman does it to her husband when they leave the house. They do the signs of the cross on them. Yeah, yeah. I think that's fucking badass.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is your husband Mexican? Nope. But he's going to like it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, of course. Because you said it's awesome. Mexican women's lunchboxes are freaking... No, no, no, no. Not the goddamn actual lunchbox. The stuff they put in it. You guys are fucking horrible.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
packed lunches right oh look at this look at this look at this okay go go to that that's right lunch 5 a.m she's making watch this give him the signs of the cross she gives yeah okay oh she's making them oh yeah god there's not a white woman on earth no no look at this Look, she puts homemade salsa. Okay. They always do some melon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
With some lime on the side. Look at this. Perfecto.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Okay. She keeps him warm up top. Oh, they always do fucking smoothies. They always do fucking smoothies for their husbands. Look at that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, this is like... And we're getting glutathione, which is... It is good... It's good for your liver.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at that. She did the signs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And here's the best part, when the race is over, we've got free samplings of Poroso's garage beers, sending us some beers. We've got other sponsors sending us a bunch of free stuff, and we're going to be partying on the infield. We've got music, we've got cold plunge, we've got saunas, we've got everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Guess what we're going to start? Let's start a new secret handshake. Secret handshake? We're going to do signs of the cross on each other. Okay. Okay. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers. And traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're talking to a guy who's been in therapy a lot. And the first time I got into therapy, I remember saying to the therapist, do you own your home? And she said, why does that matter? I said, well, as long as you have a mortgage rate, I'm going to have problems. I couldn't get past me giving her money because I was like, she's going to perpetuate this. That's what's great about BetterHelp.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're saving money, so you'll feel better about going to therapy. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally, and it's convenient. You can join sessions with a click of a button, helping fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, switch therapists at any time. Your well-being is worth it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Visit betterhelp.com slash bears to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears. It's a whole line of these. Dude, I am obsessed. I'm obsessed. Mexican culture just really got to me this week. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've been to Mexico.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He gave me Vyvanse. Oh, fuck, yeah. Yeah, and by the way. Hold on. Did she just make a fucking salsa real quick? Yeah, she did. Yeah. She's just making her sauces. Yeah. She's making sauces for her husband right now. Which nothing. She just made a homemade queso. This is, dude, Mexican women fucking rock.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So the NAD that we're getting at the end of this... Coco's going to give us NAD shots. Yeah. They say... So we're getting 200 milligrams. And by the way, we're not doctors. We're just reciting what Coco said. 200 milligrams is probably pretty typical. You can do an NAD drip... I do 500 when I get the drip. Joe gets 500 when he does the drip. And Joe does the drip with a push.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And all I'll say is if you're a black woman and you're listening to this show, number one, I'm shocked. Number two, number two, yo, post your video. I want to see black women making lunches for their husbands. And now I want to see white women making lunches for their husbands. And this is a game show I would fucking invest in. It's called Which Race is Better. It's called Race Wars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's, look at this. She's making fucking enchiladas. For her husband, she's wearing rubber gloves and he puts his fingers inside her and she's still wearing rubber gloves. Look at this. My God. Oh, different. Yeah. Sauces. Oh, it's the fucking Mexican flag, Tom. It's the fucking Mexican flag. It's the fucking Mexican flag. It's really beautiful the way she did it, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm ashamed of being white right now. Oh, it's not the first time. Look at this. I bet that rice is so soft. Oh, it's all delicious. Oh, she's making churros. Is she making fucking churros? Tom, it's the Mexican fucking flag, Tom. It's the Mexican fucking flag, Tom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. Oh my God. Look at this. Look at this. Can I tell you the only... I'll tell you right now, there's one gay couple... How is this guy not 400 pounds? I mean, I can tell you how. He fucking moves his body for 13 hours a day. Guys fucking... Jesus Christ. I gave the guys... Okay, hold on. You gotta find the gay black couple... I don't know what their names are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The gay black couple that make food for each other. One's like a queen. He's got long nails. And the other's like power bottom. Like he's a fucking man. And he's like, hi. And he claps his nails like this. And he's like, that's him. You fucking found him right first shot. First shot. First shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Tom, this guy's awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a ton of food, bro. I know, right? But watch him eat. It's so fucking sensual. He's big about his pickles. Yeah. You watch this a lot? I watch this a lot. He's so happy. Wait till you see him eat the mac and cheese. Now, how is he not 400 pounds? I think he fucking slams this dude night and day. Just fucks all the weight off of him? Dude, this couple confuses me so much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This mac and cheese always looks good. This page is worth the follow. Dude, that's like a 3,000 calorie lunch. It's a fucking big meal. Can I tell you? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
by the way sounds like they're so wait he does this is a misstep if you are if you work at the hot cheetos company yeah this guy with hot cheetos oh he does dude he does hot cheetos everything hot cheetos uh chicken tenders hot cheetos fried chicken hot cheetos he is awesome Oh, just go to Hot Cheetos. Go to Hot Cheetos. Look at this. What the fuck is that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So he gets a bag pushing it so it goes faster. That's insane. And this guy is giving me my NAD. He does not know that I know Joe. And he goes... He goes, yeah. He said, you know, do you want to drip? And I said, no, I'll just take the intermuscular. And he goes, you know, there's this guy that gets the drip and he does it fast. He said he can do it in like fucking 10 minutes. I said, who?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Deep fried bold egg Hot Cheeto balls. What in the?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's insane. Bro, I kind of want to watch them fuck. You can. I bet I can. See if they have an OnlyFans. They have an OnlyFans. We're going to it right now. By the way, can I tell you what I love about black men? Not these black men.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans. He's the nail king. Please have an OnlyFans. No, fuck. By the way, real J. Lynn, that's 25 bucks right there you missed out on. Now, I guess you don't. I just am suggesting that I want to watch you and your husband fuck. So I guess maybe that's something you want to keep private.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But wait, do you think anyone's ever gone on my face?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, look at the green one. Go to the green one. That's not fucking broccoli. That's not broccoli.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at that fucking tender.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would have a day's worth of diarrhea. He fucks with pickles, too. He puts a pickle on everything. I like pickles. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. You want these? So, you know what? You know, Instagram's kind of like the zoo a little bit. Yeah. Like I feel like I'm just sneaking into their lives and watching it and going like, that's so crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I go back to my life and I'm like, that was a close call. I almost fucked a guy. Can I tell you whose life I've been stalking?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God, what's her fucking name?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
La Sleepy. La Sleepy. La Sleepy. Okay. La Sleepy. Lost Sleepy. Yeah, go down. Lost Sleepy. That first one there? I think it is. I think it is. Nope, that's not her. It's Lost Sleepy. Okay. Lost Sleepy. That's Lost Sleepy. That's fucking Lost Sleepy. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck you, Lost Sleepy. Hang on, hang on. Go, scroll down. Lost Sleepy? There, get into the middle one. The middle one, the middle one, the middle one. I love this shit. Turn on the music. Nothing but good vibes at the Whittier Boulevard Cruise. Oh, shit. It's that chola life, man. Dude, I love it. I think it's so fucking cool. You scroll her page, they got her with her cars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He goes, his name's Joe Rogan. And he goes, big intravenous drug user. I said, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's got, oh, look at Tokyo, Tokyo. I love this. I don't do enough of this. Posting up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to start doing videos like this. This is so fucking sexy. They love the oldies, man. Are we almost done? Yeah. Nice. I love this. Look at him. Mm-hmm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's Le Sleepy right there. I love Le Sleepy. And you know what? This is crazy. So I follow Le Sleepy. Le Sleepy loves pickles. Every time I eat a pickle, I think of Le Sleepy. Isn't that bizarre? Yeah, well, I get it. That's like a crazy thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. You know what's crazy? Is if I accidentally run into her at like a swap meet or something. Yeah. I'm going to fucking lose my shit. And she's going to be like, how the fuck do you know who I am? Well, she's got a good following. She does? It's like 38,000. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's crazy. It is like, and I say zoo. You can book her. There's bookings. What? It says bookings, right? What can I book her for? I don't know. I think she's a chef. She's a chef? Scroll down. I think she's got a taco cart. Oh. Like a hot dog cart. There you go. Yeah. Oh, let's hear her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Boo Boo's ice cream and fucking Sleepy's hot dogs. I get a lot of Sleepy to do. Maybe I'll have a lot of Sleepy come make lunch for our office one day. Easy. Create content. That's awesome. Fuck yeah. Dude, I mean, you know, it's funny. I get in this thing. I have a real problem with Instagram, you know, because I disappear in it. But it's not... Like, I've blocked everything comedy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't want anything comedy. I don't want any, like... Clips of stand-up. I don't want people doing fucking... I don't want to watch... You know, it'll depress me sometimes when you watch, like... When you watch a young kid, there was a young kid on Kill Tony, your episode, that was actually really fucking funny. And I was like, God, man, I got to be real honest.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know if I could do a minute. Minutes rough. A minute's rough. And the kid killed it. So I block out. I don't get any crowd work clips. I just follow my friends. But I don't have any info from comedy. My fucking Instagram, I'll deep dive into it. And I can just, I mean like anything with a toenail. You like watching those? I'm fucking obsessed. And then I get into a deep dive. Toenails?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of like ingrown toenails. Or fucking, or dry feet. Just foot surgery? Foot surgery, dry feet. Cleaning dry feet. Pimple popping. I mean, it's crazy. And I say to myself. My feet's a little different. I said to myself the other day. I saw a picture of me and Leanne when Leanne was pregnant. On Instagram? Yeah, I'll text it to you guys. So that's a picture of me and Leanne, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When Leanne was pregnant. Yeah. I want you to see it. Only because I want you to see how happy I am.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I realized why I was so happy. That you were having a baby? No, no. Oh. No, she's pregnant. She doesn't look that great. No, but I was happy, Tom. Yeah. Because I was present. I was present. I didn't have any fucking care in the world. I was making zero money. Look at how happy I am. I was still fat, but I was still as bald as I am today. And I was so present. And I was like, you know what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I took that with a camera. Yeah, I didn't take that with the phone. I took that with a camera. I set up a camera I set up a timer and I took a picture of us in the moment and I was like I wasn't on my phone I wasn't scrolling. I wasn't watching foot surgery videos. I wasn't watching sleepy or two gay guys make fried chicken. I Didn't have any yeah, I wasn't thinking about Mexican women and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For the Stations of the Cross, I was present. And I said to myself, what am I doing on my fucking phone? What am I doing on my phone? I'm wasting my life. I'm scrolling, just scrolling, looking at other people live. Do you think... I'm going to be... Let's get meta on this. So I'm in this weird fucking headspace because I'm getting back to work in June. And I'm in this weird headspace of like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that patient Joe Rogan? No. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I haven't sailed around the world yet. I haven't sailed, I haven't climbed a mountain. I need to go to the top of Machu Picchu. I need to climb Kilimanjaro. I need to sail to Hawaii. I need to swim with sharks. I need to go to Thailand and get on a beach and be off the grid. And then I went, hold on. Is that because I scroll and that's what I see?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I see people doing it and them posting it? Do you think people were as adventure-driven before Instagram?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You feel like you're having a fucking heart attack.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But do you think, like, I wonder sometimes... So one morning, maybe I've told you this, but I'll... One morning, I got up, and we were getting ready.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We were on tour, and everyone was meeting at my house, and everyone was in the gym, and I had just worked out, and I was getting in the sauna, and I heard them talking, and as I got out of the sauna, I heard someone say, it was still dark out, and I'm like, is he going to polar plunge? and I didn't want to, and I did. And I did it so that they heard me do it, because I, you know? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it was performative. It wasn't what I wanted to do. Yeah. So then I, and then I realized how much of my life is performative. And I started looking at Instagram going like, how much of people's lives are performative? How many people genuinely want to sail around the world? Or how many people go, I wouldn't mind getting views for, you know, like. Well, yeah, it's motivation for a lot of people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The motivation is performative. So then I started going like, as I look at these people all like, these people going, I'm running the 150 mile race and I'm tracking it here on Instagram. And then I go, okay, like without Instagram, if they shut down Instagram, TikTok, how many people do you think would just sell their boat and be like, well, if no one can see this, then what's the point?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here, Coco, come here and stand next to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I couldn't do it. Okay, that's there. There's a dude. Do you know John John Florence? I don't know him. But you know of him?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's the best surfer in the world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know Nathan Florence.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm friends with Nathan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I was overhearing a conversation one time about John John Florence. And then I heard it on a podcast. But they were like, yeah, he's got this like 66-foot gunboat, and he just sails to like fucking, just sails it crazy places, and doesn't post it on Instagram, doesn't tell anyone. He's got footage from like two years ago that he's never posted, because he's like, eh, whatever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm also just the greatest surfer in the world. And I just was like, yeah, man, that's kind of, it's like old school sexy, like to do. Is there anything you would do without posting it? No. Nothing? Nothing. I'm getting an IV on camera right now. Well, we both are. Yeah, I know. I mean, that's the other thing. Yeah, but you would do that. I've gotten 100 IVs. Every time I post it. Why?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why I post half the shit I post. And then what's crazy is when you have a great moment and you're like, this would be fucking epic to post. And your kids are like, nah. And you're like, what the fuck? Really? Do you know what they said to me one time? We went to Dodgers opening day. Opening day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Dodgers hit me up and like, yo, you want to come? I was like, fuck yeah. And they're like, how many? I said, four. And they go, great. I said, girls, you want to go to opening day? And they're like, fuck yes. That would be great. So we're like, fuck yeah. We get in the car and George and I go, hey, no phones. I said, what? She goes, no Instagram today. Let's just have like a day as a family.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, what's the point if I can't post on Instagram? I was like, wait, so what are we going to do? And they're like, there's no phones. Let's leave our phones in the car. I go, we can't leave our phones in the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. But yeah, but it was like, I ended up posting stuff anyway. I don't know, Tom. It's like, I, I was like, I couldn't. This would be the Dodgers game. It was, I have no idea. I don't know. It's an addiction to, I don't know. There's something. The feedback. You know what it is? It's like everyone wants to be seen. Yeah. Everyone wants to feel valuable and feel, hey, look at me. You know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And I'm just like everyone else. Maybe a little hyper version of that. But that's the thing. It's like. But like if you didn't post it, it's like almost it didn't happen for you. Yeah. And also there's a part of me that I love going through my feed and seeing stuff like this. Like if I don't take pictures of this, then maybe. Oh, that Leanne posted that. Yeah. Good. Good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was so fucking fun. And he was fucking going down with that dude. Yeah, he was fucking. And he's. Cap, we're cutting this out. Cap. You know what's kind of cool? What? You don't see a lot of homophobia these days. Yeah. But, man, black men are holding that shit down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh. Now. Hold on. That's what I get when I get NAD. Intermuscular? Uh-huh. Because I always get clogged in my nose. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was fun for you because everyone wanted to fuck you. No. I was, I was, I was. You wore that. I would, and I thought I'd get a little more play. What I did is I got. Well, you also had those shorts off, so your ass changed. I had the shorts off, and man, I will simply say, gay men are handsy. Yeah, they were handsy. They are handsy. They grab your ass?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I realized, dude, if they want to move you, finger in the ass crack, move you to the side. Yeah. Not like all the way to one butt cheek and move you over. Yeah. Yeah. That was out at the... I didn't realize my asshole was showing. Your asshole showed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We asked for, like, for stories. Oh, well, first of all, this is the crazy part. Apparently, I'm an obvious bottom. Like, without a doubt, I am an obvious bottom. The way they assess is so quick. Yeah. They're like, no shade, you're a bottom. And I was like, no shade taken. Wait, hold on. Wait, what? Yeah. If you can last. And by the way, they've all got hogs on them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's me and that guy rubbing cocks together. Oh, yeah, your dicks touched. Yeah. Got a little fucking action from that. You said you got a little. Our tips touched. He was in a match. I thought he had a backpack on. He had, did not have a backpack on. He had, those were, it was the same outfit I had on, except his was cloth. Yeah, but you got a little chub. I did a little chub. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we did interviews on the street, and what's crazy is we're going to do more of these. The best people to interview are people that don't want to be interviewed. I know. If someone wants to be interviewed, it's never the best person to interview. Oh, my God. Yeah. If you had taken your shirt off, they would have lost their fucking mind. They would have lost their fucking mind.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
somebody mentioned this is a tough day they sent me this image and they go you look so miserable you uh you fucking you you had a good time that's when i can tell if it's good or not is if you have a good time did my face get bloated within this episode
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You ever tried poppers?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My face bloated. Did it get... But I'll say this. Can I tell you this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Gay compliments are up there. Oh, I would argue women are dead inside. All women? Yeah. And they don't know how to treat you the way a man can treat you. That's true. Those guys, even when they'd shave me a little bit, they'd still make me feel better. Right? So imagine if that was a hot chick. I know. And she was like, yeah, I wouldn't fuck you. It ends there, right? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They'd be like, I wouldn't fuck you, but I'd let you fuck me. And you're like, OK.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Or no, it was the other way around. He goes, I wouldn't fuck you, but I'd like, no. I wouldn't let you fuck me, but I'd fuck you. And I'd be like, okay, thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. No woman's going to be like, I wouldn't fuck you, but you could fuck me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's almost like when black guys compliment you on your shoes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There was a few gay black compliments.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you also the other coolest thing is like just having guys go like, hey, thanks for coming here, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you're not talking like outside of Dave Matthews concert.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, they were just solid guys. I had such a great fucking time last night. And by the way, can I tell you, I didn't drink until we got done. I didn't have time to drink. And you drank a lot. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I drank at dinner. You're right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you're pretty right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're like, we fucked on this corner. You can definitely have a drink. He goes, yeah, that guy said, he goes, I've been fucked on this corner. Right here. Right around here. And he goes, no, right here. South by is wild. Yeah. One guy goes, if these walls could talk, honey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh yeah, he was a good looking kid. Yeah. Yeah, and they were all pretty age appropriate. We had no, what's crazy though is that like not everyone's a bear. A lot of cubs, a lot of otters. Yeah, it was the full, and then there was little short dudes. Yeah, the little short guy. Oh my God. And a couple tall guys. The best, I wish I had that shirt today. Oh yeah. That Jason Kelsey shirt. Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got to post that for Jason Kelsey. Jason Kelsey is probably the king bear. Oh my God, if he went there? Dude, he would get fucked so quick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They'd want to submit. A lot of them would. Jason Kelsey, can I just soft pitch to Jason and Travis? Go fuck guys. Take, go send garage beers to a bear bar.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And just send Jason.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They will, I mean, if you sent Jason and Travis, Taylor Swift and Jason Kelsey, they would be like, Travis, we want to talk to you, but we're going to stare at your brother. Yeah, yeah. Dude, they are, their mom made bear perfection.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What kind of scripts can you get us?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He said I wasn't even a bear. No. He was like, no. Hell yeah. It's the best. Jason Kelsey. Tag Jason Kelsey. I kind of want a cocktail. You want a cocktail? Kind of. It could be a range. We don't have to work today, do we? We have to do a photo shoot. Hey, do you want to try our vodka? Yeah. You want a glass? No, I can't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What am I doing? Hey, we came up with a new drink last night. You want to hear about it, Coco? Yeah. It's called a UTI. It's cranberry and vodka. That's it. Yeah. I go, I said to someone last night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, can we get you a bottle of vodka? Do you like vodka?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was the fucking hit. I said to a gay guy, he goes, he goes, cranberry and vodka. He goes, cranberry and osos, please. And I went, awesome. I said, do you have a UTI? And he goes, no, but I could use one. I love gay men. And I was like, and he goes, he goes, hands it over. He goes, UTI. Give me another UTI. And then we just came up with the UTI.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, we got vodka for you. Can we give a bottle of vodka to you? Yeah. We have our own vodka.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The one guy did say, yeah, Tom goes, it's called a UTI. It's cranberry and porosos. And we put a lot of drops of cum in it. And the place went. Just silent. I bombed so hard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't understand. I thought. Dude, we've had this conversation. Not all gay guys like the taste of cum. Yeah. It's crazy to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it's why put on the pads if you're not cool concussions yeah like any have you ever tasted cum uh no no i have not negative not even your own out of curiosity like i wonder what my blood sugar you never accidentally sprayed your face when you were laying on your back accidentally no no never done it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, everyone else in the go cut to that shot again. Raise your hands if you've ever tasted cum.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can you give my views to yourself?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right. What if we said, what if we said, what if we said a million dollars, a million dollars if you taste our cum?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No? No. Any? No. And I know you could do it, too. All right. Let's ask the women in the office.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What? I can't... I wish we could... Wait, what? Every woman in the office would take a million dollars to taste gum.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Every woman in here would taste our cum for like a million dollars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah that's it that's it yeah these guys won't do these guys won't do it because they think it makes them gay first of all yes they fucking would you know if we laid out the cash i know that you could i know that you could and no hold on hold on for real yeah no this is insane a million dude i taste your million dollars i would gargle your cum oh and swallow it for one million dollars and i have a lot of million dollars
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Coco. No, no, that's Coco. Wait, do you have breast milk? Do you have breast milk right now? Oh, I drink Coco's breast milk for a million dollars. Yeah, of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Annie, would you drink breast milk for $40? For free, yeah, why not? For free? Okay, so that's how I think most women would deal with cum. They're like, it's cum, whatever. It's not a big deal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think these three lying whores we have in the booth. Yeah. Wait, is it all three are saying no? No, Solo definitely take the check.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, hold on. Hold on, you fucking queen. Now you're going to tell us how we're going to get to come to you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to tell you right now, Chad, you're going to be blindfolded and your knees are going to be cold. Did you ever see the clip of the podcast I did with Ari and Matthew Broussard? It was wild. Yes. I think I did see this clip. I can't do not say names. Don't say names. Wait, why can't you say names? Cause I can't say the person who did his name.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I promised him I'd never say whose name it was. We blurred his face out. It's edit that out. It's we, did you see the clip? Did you see the clip? Oh my God. So Ari pisses in a, in a glass, right? Yeah. Like he always does. And then he puts it there. And we're like, yo, get this out of here. So Pete goes in and gets the glass. And he's walking to port in the bathroom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I go, Pete, for a million dollars, would you drink Ari's piss? And he goes, no. And I go, hold on, Pete. You've got to have a price point. I go, one million dollars? And he goes, well, fuck. And out of nowhere, you hear, I'll do it for a thousand. Pete goes, we were just at a million. Yeah. Said person comes out. Takes the piss and drinks. Look at this. There you go. Here we go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. Let's come up with a real number.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We've got a deal. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. If you're going to take a sip of Ari's piss for $1,000... Jewish man pays going to drink his piss. Hang on. Hang on. Come over here and do it on camera. Are you going to throw up? Look at the look on Ari's face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't watch this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, I'll just give you $1,000. To not do it? No, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
$1,000. What did it taste like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like. He goes, no, I just want $1,000. Hey, everyone go see Matthew. By the way, can I tell you what's brilliant? What you just did? Right at that moment, because I knew people were watching, I plugged Matthew's special, and you hit pause right before I said it's special. It's on YouTube. It's called Hyperbole. Was Matthew saying that he's Jewish? Matthew is Jewish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't think so because he's attractive?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Broussard? No, he's... I think he's autistic. That's not a nationality. We took him to a strip club one time. I was asking if he's French. Isn't that a French last name? Yeah, it sounds like it. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Swimmer? Very good swimmer. His girlfriend or fiance, I think he lives in Austin now. He's not gay? No. Oh. No. We took him to a strip club, and he had never been to a strip club. He'd never been to a strip club? Never been to a strip club. Okay. And he's a very literal man. Like, he's really smart. Do you know what he does to calm down after a show? Math problems.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He goes in and does math problems. Regularly? Regularly. He tutors children in math for free because it relaxes him. What? He tutors children in math. He's one of the most fascinating. Can I open this up more? I was going to ask you, but I didn't want to interrupt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here, do you want to give me my shot now on camera? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. By the way, he's one of the smartest human beings I know. Dude, look at this guy. He's so fucking funny. He really is hysterical. Wait, was he a college swimmer? No. This is just from casual swimming? Dude, he knows swimming like crazy. He really follows swimming. So he did swim in college. Is he a Division I swimmer?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He must have been. You don't know shit. I don't know. You don't miss it at all. So I think his wife or his girlfriend went to the Olympics, I think. As a swimmer too? I think so. I don't know. I don't listen a ton. Completely made up. Is that his page? That's Monday Punday. He's really good at puns.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's really smart, man. When I was getting ready for this hour, he was just traveling with me the whole time and doing shows with me. And the way he assesses comedy is so somewhat analytical yet fun. There was a joke I had. Here we go. I'll let you poke me. Can we do the booty? Yeah, can we? Yeah. Are you going to hit my sciatic?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. His assessment for comedy is so analytical. Like he really does go, you said this here, you can't say this again. Like he's just really, he's really smart. You should check out his special. It's on YouTube. It's really funny. But man, he, that moment. I mean, we spend the rest of the moment we talk. I mean, it was like such a fucking wild thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's crazy is my podcast streams live downstairs to all the women downstairs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you should have heard this fucking screaming. Sandra is one of the young ladies works. She threw up. She threw up. I mean, I look like Ari was about to throw up, but it's his piss. I know. Super gnarly. So what's our price point on taste and come boys? No. No. Zero for me. Zero. It's insane. If there was a game show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, man. Yeah, what would you call it? It's online.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's called Hot Cums.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, that would be cool. That would be cool. You just different types of cum.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right. What about this, honey? What about this? Okay. Soft pitch. I give you a million dollars. You will taste. You will eat cum within the week. You just don't know when you're going to get it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is where I'm going to sound out of touch to our fans. I don't know what an IV costs. And I get them every week. I get one a week. And I'll tell you, anyone listening. My blood work came back like two months ago.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whoa. Wow. What Coco in here is giggling, going, as a woman, I'm a little offended. Yeah, of course. Wait, so wait. How long do you need to allow a mouth to rest before you'll go back to kissing it? Ain't no amount of time. It's brushing your teeth. So go brush your teeth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, okay, I think Zola and Chad are being a little more honest. Yeah. Guys, have you ever kissed a girl after she sucked someone else's dick? Raise your hand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
no no what yeah what do you mean 10th grade oh 10th grade okay like right after no i think it was pretty close all i know is all i know is i told my story what kind of an animal were you dating in 10th grade i told my story i told my story at lunch The period after the guy told his story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So the guy told his story. There were two periods of lunch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some guys had both periods, you know? So like there's a group of guys that stayed. And you're like, I made out with Kelly. I was like, I hooked up. I want to say her real name.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And partying, still partying, still on a vodka. Best numbers I'd ever had. And I said, well, I hadn't drank in a couple days. And Denise said, it takes 100 days to change a biomarker. So it's not that. It's whatever you're doing. And I was like, it's fucking IVs. Do you know who put me onto this? Chappelle. Oh, yeah. Chappelle owns his own IV company.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Got it. I made out with Frida. And everyone goes, when? I said, Saturday night at Ty's house. And they're like, when? And I went, does it matter? And they're like, when did you make out with Frida? And I said... It was at the end of the night. They go, was it the end of the night? And I said, yeah. Like, at the end of the night, she got on the couch. She started making out with me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, oh. That's awesome. So what's Sean's dick taste like? I went, what? They're like, Sean got a blowjob from her earlier. I was like, fucking Frida Kahlo's a whore. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like you're kissing your grandma?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the way you do it. Yeah, you have her hold a little bit left for you and give it back to you, and we call it the any.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Exactly. Eddie, I'm really shocked. What are you shocked about? Like, just that you hold firm opinions on this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you know, they usually say... All black guys are gay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're with Chappelle and he's like, yo, you want an IV? I go, it's two in the morning. He's like, that's okay. Someone shows up in their pajamas with rubber gloves on. And ever since then, I've been that. So if you're like me and you party, what's the cheapest you can get an IV for? Depends what's in it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, guys, brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. It's me and Tommy and our health regimen. We believe wholeheartedly in IVs. Giving us our IV today is Coco. Coco is about to stick Tom. If you have a fear of needles, turn your head. Run that timer, boys. You know, the majority of people have this as their biggest fear. Needles? Needles. Here we go. I love watching it. Boom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know Tech N9ne? Tech N9ne owns an IV company. Tech N9ne does? Tech N9ne owns an IV company. Dude, I'm telling you right now. Hang on. Jordan owns your company, right? Yes. I'm not fucking around. I want to start an IV company just so I can get a deal on IVs. I get IVs every other... I think there's probably a different way to get a deal. Will you do fractional franchising? There you go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For $25,000. I've already looked into a fractional franchise. All I need is a brick and mortar, and I'm thinking about buying a building to start an IV company just so I can get fucking IVs cheap.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tell Jordan thank you and thank you. You're not going anywhere. No, no, no. You can go stand up there. Sorry. I realize you're not going to just leave. Thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, they look great. They look great. Let's spend the whole time talking about Rolexes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All I'm saying is I will never do anything justice as much as this podcast acquired.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I actually will say that. But they talk about that. They talk about the fact that Rolex does not have a brick and mortar. They have one. It's in Geneva. One Rolex store. Everyone else is certified dealers. They talk about how the guy who started Rolex- set everything up in a trust. So Rolex has more money than God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So when the market dips and everyone else scrambles to try to figure out fucking what to do, he's like, Rolex is like, we'll be good for the next 100 years. What's also cool, and this is the last thing I'm gonna say about watches, and I just need you to- Please continue, go. I just, this is what I think's cool. We don't need them. You don't need a watch. It's almost like stupid.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to be a fucking idiot to have a watch on. Only a fucking moron would spend $80,000 on a watch. A fucking idiot. Right, just to tell the time? But that's what makes it sexy. Yeah. That's what makes it sexy, that we're using an antiquated timepiece, handmade, handcrafted. If you open mine up, on the back, you can see the inner workings of this watch. Mm-hmm. This does it so much better.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know what also does it really good? Yeah. Hey, what time is it? It's crazy. But I think that's so fucking... You know what it's like? It's like walking to work. It's like walking to work. It's like... It's like fucking in the kitchen. It's old school. I just think that's the funniest thing about watches is like... It's like fucking in the kitchen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like fucking in the kitchen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you ever hear of Christian McCaffrey's story of getting one? Christian? Christian McCaffrey? No. So his dad used to get IVs every day before big games for him. He'd take him to go get him an IV. Yeah. One time, Christian McCaffrey, he's like fucking 12. His dad was a savage. Yeah, his dad really prepped him. And the guy missed the vein. And his arm, Coco, you've heard of this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And man, I'll tell you right now, I'm not a watch guy. I'm into Rolexes. Yeah, I know you are. I think, and the reason I love, I take that back. I have two other watches. I have two other watches. A good friend gave me one, one of our good friends. And then I got one in Paris. That wasn't a Rolex. Wasn't a Rolex. Good for you. I never wear them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But what's cool about them, and this is a soft pitch to anyone who's not irate right now, is, man, Tudor is an amazing watch. And it's made by Rolex. It's in the family of Rolex. Tudor's a great watch. And it's a great way to celebrate a benchmark in your life. And to make you smile. Every now and then you look at your watch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I look at this watch, and I think my special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. There you go. And it was streamed in the top 10 for two weeks. And I treated myself when I went to Vegas, and I said, every time I look at this watch, I remember that two weeks, how everyone was hitting me up about their dogs. And it was just a great moment in my life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I buy something to remind myself of the good feelings. I think that's a great move.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's talk about Porsches. Can I tell you what is interesting? Sure. I'm not a car guy at all. I know you're not. I'm not. I was with Kyle Busch. And I said, he said, what kind of car do you drive? And I said, oh, it's a Mercedes. He goes, what kind? And I said, the white one. The white one. And he goes, what? I said, I'm not a car guy. And he goes, wait, what do you mean?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You just told him a color. Yeah. Well, he walked past it. Yeah. And I was like, it was the white one. And he goes, you really don't follow cars. And I said, not at all. And I'm being dead serious. After that Porsche podcast, I think Porsche is the sexiest fucking... Just hearing them talk about a brand and the longevity of the brand and what struggles the brand has had.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, exactly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
1,000?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I also figured that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, like, there's a lot of penalties.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't realize that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We'll see you next time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whoa.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is. It is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
History right here. Oh, here's another one. And another one. And another one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Always. You know? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like cheesesteak in Philly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, yeah, you don't forget, but I'm not.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Cause once you're in love, that's all you care about is your.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
my new special lucky is streaming right now on netflix check it out the two bears 5k is less than a month away you need to register right now at twobears5k.com and listen every level of fitness is welcome we have people who are basically professional runners that go and then us we have every level of celebrity too yeah we've got the bucks showing up we've got the bucks cheerleaders we've got jelly roll
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And they're going to be all up on you today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Imagine what's going on in those water.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. It's just like glued shut. There's no filter working, and they're like, so many tug jobs. Do they have black bears?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We must allow ourselves to what? To take it in the mouth? Because Asians are hairless. Take up space. Oh. Yeah, so they're making a... What is it? Gay Asian bears? I think it's pandas. Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just me too. You're like, dude, last night was crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're really going to smack that guy in the back? It scares me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why did you jump? You just jumped over the fucking thing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought they'd get like a souvenir.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, she's got OnlyFans. That's cool. That's what you should do if you have two pussies. You should show them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's so fucking funny, man. I wish you would have hit him with your belt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. You're with other 10-year-olds, and then over there are the 12-year-olds, over there are the 16. You know what I mean? You're spread out. Yeah. And one of the offensive tackles for, I guess maybe for the Vikings at the time, because there was all different players there, was like, all right, here's what we're going to do. And he's 6'7", and he's about 320 pounds.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, he's an actual giant, massive. I'm 10. He goes, all right. And he takes one of those pads where you put your hand through it. He gives it to me. He's like, hold this. He's like, here's what we're going to do. And he's on the other side of the pad. And I look, and my hand's going like this. And I was like, oh, my God. This grown man is going to – I think he's going to kill me right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's got a vagina. Okay. But she, everywhere else looks male. Hold on. Who's the, what's the porn star's name? Buck Angel. You think you could fuck Buck Angel? Oh. Right? Kind of looks like Jason Ellis. So, you know what I mean? Oh my God, there's a vagina there. Yeah, yeah. So he was a biological female. Oh, 100% I could. It wouldn't, it would be cool for you to look in the face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He starts describing, like, you get up under it. And I was like, oh, my God. And then right as he made an impact, he just, like, touched it. And I was like, oh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i don't know if anyone saw my hand shaking like this but i'm full pads no you're just in like t-shirt and shorts i was like because i thought with the pad he's like i'm just gonna fucking lay into this yeah i'd never been that was what i it's still it's so vivid in my memory because i was so fucking scared that he was gonna just unload on me and i would have fucking a little arm pad in front of me and then he was like all right so now you guys do it and i was like oh fuck
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think I had tears. I think I probably cried as we started the drill out of relief. It was so scary when you go, I don't know what's about to happen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yeah, man. Of course we could. What are they, Australian?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Lovely Day Down Under? No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, look at his face? I think we'd do it doggy style. I mean, it's still, like, a pretty masculine back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A-Town Down Under. The team's name is a reference to both wrestlers originating from countries with a name starting with an A.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw him standing next to you, this guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's a crazy scene there. What, with the three? The three, yeah. You got, you got him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They would love to be in the arena because they're both really into combat sports right now. Like, they both do jiu-jitsu, and they both are like, we want to box. And they're trying to just, like, sign us up for boxing. We want to box.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, they'll go crazy. They're going to be like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got to get them into it first. They should watch one next week or this week or whatever. Having them watch WrestleMania is going to be fucking crazy. It's in two weeks. I wonder if they'll take to it. It's so funny, though. You just discover. I don't know. I mean, it's different for you, I guess, because you had girls. It's like some of the things you think. They liked watching this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We watched Fight Pass. We watched a jiu-jitsu tournament. because they go to that class, right? I wonder if they'll respond to it. Maybe they will.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I am in. You got me excited. Excited to check it out, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And those, look at their faces. They're all fucking with you. They're all just tricky. Like, you walked into a bar. Who do you walk away with? You'd be like, oh, I like the blonde. You're just like, oh, shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, definitely send it. What's this right here? Is this just a video?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, listen to Peter. Look at you taking your belt off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's hilarious. I don't even know what's going on around me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw a little crack.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why they didn't join one? Yeah. I mean, maybe they just don't like the idea of community. Yeah. Could you see you want to push in a retirement community? Absolutely not. Why not? The same reason your parents didn't join one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, the comedian who was like... Hey, do you like that? And I was like, oh, it's not. I'm not into it. He's like, it's hot, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I go, well, I mean, to you. Yeah. And then he would send me a link and I could see the description of the link. And he goes, did you watch it? I go, no, because I'm not into that. And he was like, just watch it. Like he was trying to convince me that I'm turned on by it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, build it, dude. I think I might. I think it's exciting. I kind of want to retire out of the country.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think she can.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, they're all gone. But name one that you go, I mean, the French one's pretty exciting. Oh, look at her. Look at her. Look at her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She special needs. Yeah. All right, let's go. Okay. What's the Italian version? I mean, that would be cool. Type in a hot Italian woman. Italian chick on a Vespa. Who's just like, I'll drive.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you know another girlfriend? Who? Like the racist southern, you know. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Oh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's just dropping slurs all the time. I wish Nan was a little more racist. Yeah, that'd be cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's an intense.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What about like a sophisticated Brit? That's kind of hot because you know that like she's going to be super proper all the time, but then just like a total fucking whore in bed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, mate. Okay. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's the thing, though. I know. But should we... I feel like we shouldn't promote that so it doesn't get on someone's radar and then they actually make a... Because I could give you another site. I don't even want to say it because I don't want somebody to watch and let a lawmaker know that they should... Prevent that, but yeah, there's a couple that you need.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. This might just be a cool trailer. I think it is a cool trailer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is this, from 93?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
whoa this shouldn't take us too long at all we'll just make it a nice little saturday afternoon refresher lesson cool all right driving get to the action guys okay we'll back it up a little bit i want to see how that happened did she start a failure test right there
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cool. Just watching porn with my bro today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just hanging out, watching porn with my buddy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I think French, Italian, Spanish, Greek, British.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Plus American bitches, they're all fucking, they got too many ideas, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You can have a lady to have a sex with also on the side, just like the guy that made the car, Ferrari.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Five, Spanish. Yeah, there we go. That's good. Irish. Irish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Brazilian Portuguese. Sexy as hell. Fuck yeah. I met some... Even the dudes. I love the South African accent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There you go. Blue guy over there is God. It's quite cute. It's unexpected. Yeah, it's unexpected. And I also got the Satan weed smoking evil t-shirt. Just warn children about weed. It can make you sick. Yeah, sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're saying it so confidently that I believe you're wrong. No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He had a stronger one 20 years ago. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, so many people from around the world can do the American accent because they have so much exposure to it around the clock for like their entire lives. So it'd be like if we put on if we put on TV and there was like always an Indian show on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like always from the time you were born and you flip the channel and it's like 10 other, and there was fucking 20 movies that you would, and it was all, you would just be like, be able to switch it on so fast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that's why they can do the American accent so well is because they consume so much American entertainment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Didn't you ever watch that Netflix show about arranged Indian marriages? No. It's so fucking good. Dude, I would like to be an Indian arranged marriager. This show is great. It's really good. And you meet people that are Indian matchmaking. Yeah. What is this? It's on Netflix. It's so good. Really? And she's the matchmaker. And you have like-
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
People that are just, like, she's pairing them together, so you're watching them, and then they switch to a couple that's been together 40 years, and they're like, yeah, we got it. It works. It works a lot of times.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would have liked it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know about this fucking guy. Which is exactly what happened. Pretty much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I really like her. And she was like, uh. Leanne walked in and walked right out. She was like, nah. Yeah. Nah. No, Christina would have been like, forever? This fucking guy? Forever? Yeah. And I'd be like, cool, cool. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. Why not? I don't know. With the boys? Should I bring the boys out?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I don't think you know these guys that well. You don't want them alone. Yeah, it's going to be so fucking fun, man. It's going to be a blast. I wonder if we'll see some wild... Just when you turn your head and you're like, oh, that guy's blowing that guy over there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know they trick you, though, right? No. She'd walk you into the room. She'd be like, lay here. And then she'd be like, no, I'm going to go down there and take care of business. And then some guy named Fred would just walk in and suck you off. And then at that very end, you'd be like, wait a minute, who did it? And then Fred would go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, you still come. I'm sorry. I don't know. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. He's playing a game.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Drink. Up. Down. Left. There. Oh, yeah. She's about to... Shoot it all over herself. That's crazy. I like that she prioritized her comfort, too. She's got an ergonomic chair down there. She's not like, I'm just going to lay under this. She's like, prop me up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And your head keeps hitting the bottom of the table.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you think she would do the milking table or no?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think so. Well, here's the thing, because I was trying to figure out why. I was like, I go, man, that was, it was really crazy. And you know when you go, I've always felt like this, I don't know if you have, but when you do New York and L.A.,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
even if you have a big venue and it's packed, sometimes you're like, yeah, the crowd was kind of like, they were good, but you don't feel like, man, that crowd was great. Almost because you go, well, they know they're the primary market of the world. So there's almost like an air of like, Yeah. Like we're here. Fucking you better be great. Right. Like we got a lot of options here, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like that's kind of like how I feel in L.A. and New York sometimes. I've had great shows in both cities, but that's you walk out sometimes you're like that was like fine. Like that's how I felt when I did the forum.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The forum to me felt like they were like they were good, but they were also kind of like, OK, fine. So I was like, you know, I know this is sold out, it's packed, and I have a crazy lineup, but I was like, I wonder how they're going to be. Like, how they're going to be as an audience. That was really the only thing on my mind. They were like... Christina pointed it out to me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, dude, they were... Was she there? She went there, yeah. The boys come? No, she just flew up for it. But she goes... I go, what? I go, they were so... They were doing... They weren't just like energetic. It was like after every bit, they would cheer. Yeah. I was like, I feel like it was like a special taping. And she goes, I think they know it's a big deal that you're at MSG.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So they're telling you like we are... we're responding in a way that's like special because we know it's special that you're at this venue. Yeah. I mean, red man was a surprise and he just, not for you. No, no. I'm saying for them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I knew. Um, but like when he walked out, like I introduced him, like I got a special surprise and he came out to time for some action and then did like a, a mix mash set. I mean, it was fucking nuts. And then, uh, All my, the comics were, nobody knew. So like I bring up Chris DiStefano.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you say the same thing when you watch straight porn?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He has the best September 11th story I've ever heard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So no, he had an incredible set. Then he brings up Diaz. it's just insane. I mean, it's insane. He's wearing sweatpants and he's got a bandaid on his ear. We're like, like you're walking to the gate at an airport and he's, uh, he just, and we're like, what do you like? I, Chris asked him, he's like, Oh, you have like a set list. He's like, I don't know what I'm going to do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like five minutes before. Um, he just wings it. Uh, And then, yeah, I came out, and it was like, it felt like, you know when you type a special? You tape one, and it's like, they're amped up more than normal. That's what the whole set felt like. So it was, yeah, it was really, really fun. That's so fucking awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I tour through the spring.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right, but I have the summer off, completely off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I start back up August 28th.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ever again? Me?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love doing stand-up, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cheers. And we are back, and we're together, and you're out of the hospital, and you're here. I feel good. You look good. It's been a rough. You have a star on your face.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I don't disagree with them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, hopefully we don't have to empty the boat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I can get you one. Thanks. You like it? Yeah, I do. You like hats? I like hats. Oh. Okay. Okay. All right. All right, let's wrap it up. We got shit to do, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So if you think I suck, it's because I try to keep my good thoughts. There are people who go, oh, I've gotten messed. You talked about that stuff in the podcast. I'm like, yeah, now it's a stand-up bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's smart. All right, we've got to run. I love you. Love you. Bye. Bye.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Homie head? Can you imagine? Head from your homies? That's cool. He's a homie head. I mean, it would be cool if it was normalized. I mean, it's not like it would not be cool. It would be. Name one guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's pretty chill. Dude, hey, go to the one where he gets his back blown out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the gayest way a man can pose, by the way. When his foot's up in the air there. Where? Below that row to the right. That. That's the gayest way a guy can ever lay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What if you found out, you're like, oh shit, this is really what I like, and you're 52? Oh. You had no idea? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This guy just, all he does is fuck this guy, huh?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just gay fucking?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're going to a gay bar tonight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Not our outfits.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think they just do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you just fuck your friend. Like, it's cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's gotta be confusing I don't know. I think gay culture is pretty Like open about liking fucking yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you going to take something to make it grow before? We should get some Bluetooth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure, it's not just one thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a lot of kids that are like, fuck it, kill all CEOs. There are idiots that work in this office that thought that was a great idea. Really? Yeah. Yeah, Tom. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what they said to me, the CEO of this company? Yeah, kill all CEOs. And I went, huh? And they're like, fuck them. And I was like, that's the generation. You get a 28-year-old kid and they just, they go...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're like, I think they just don't think making money is possible. Like America is kind of fucked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember, I mean, I'll be very candid. I remember going to parties when I was married with Georgia and Isla and going to parties of people my age and they had like a $2 million house and being like hopeless and being like, how the fuck did they do this? Yeah, yeah, of course. And I'm asking like questions like, so what does your dad do? Like, how did you get, I don't like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, I got to say the funniest phone call I got last night. Was it from maybe like 10 o'clock at night? No, it was probably like 7.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're in the right area. Oh, yeah? Dice. Oh, dice. Dice is so great. Dice is, hey, where are these fires? I'm about to do a dice impression. Yeah. Hey, Dice, yeah. Hey, Dice, yeah. It's uncanny. I feel like he's right in front of me. Go ahead. But Dice is a dad, and his kids are here. And he knows I'm a dad, and he knows that we know each other, and he's like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's asking where the fire is, telling me where his sons are. And he's like, in a real moment of passion, he goes, Dice, I'm sorry if I'm oversharing. It made me laugh so hard. He goes, if my boys need some help, can you take care of them? And I said, of course, Dice. I go, yeah, you need me to go get them and pick them up or something? And he goes, Bert, they're 34 and 32. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, he goes, these fucking idiots. They won't fucking leave the house. And this made me laugh so hard because I only remember them when they were kids.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I just figured they're still kids. Yeah, I'll go pick up your kids. And they're in a house scared by themselves. They're grown men. They had children at that age. Yeah. With Dice, you never stop being a dad. And Dice Man was all night texting me and calling me, checking on the fires. He was freaking out, man. I was freaking out, too. Well, yeah. I don't know. Isla was losing her mind.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is she at college right now? She's at college. This is the thing that fascinated me. I'm curious to know. I didn't see this out of me. Runyon catches on fire. We send everyone home. We're like, everyone go home. Everyone get safe. By the way, Sarah's got to drive over the hill.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's got to drive over the hill on Laurel Canyon, Tom, by the fucking fire and gets rear-ended on her way there because everyone's driving like it's Armageddon. Fucking Hollywood Boulevard, bumper to bumper, people leave their cars. I mean, fucking chaos. It's chaos in Hollywood.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey. By the way, for everyone that doesn't know, the fires were crazy and I was wondering if this place was going to be here today. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, they close the store. Okay. So we go home and Leanne says, hey, are we going to pack go bags? Because, you know, you never know. Yeah. All these things that I thought were very valuable in my house, like the trees. I love the trees by my house. That's why I bought that house is the trees. It makes you feel like you're not in L.A. Now those are fucking tinder boxes waiting to go up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like looking at these trees going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Passports, cash, guns, and that's all that's in the go bag right there. Watches? Hold on. So then Leanne says, what's valuable to you? And I said, I don't know. She goes, go room to room and see what's valuable to you. And so I'm like, I'm a really sentimental guy, and you know how sensitive I am.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, this is going to – I go, babe, I shouldn't even look in the rooms because I'm going to take everything. She was like, no, go room to room. I'm going to go room to room. She goes up to the girls' rooms. She texts the girls. Isla writes back, grab all my lamps. We're like, what? Lamps? I love my lamps. And make sure to get all my clothes, my shoes. And we're like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm so glad you're saying this because, you know, sometimes, Tom, I think, I want you to finish what you're saying, but I think I have horrible thoughts. I don't have horrible thoughts like I'm so glad they killed that CEO horrible thought, but I do have crazy thoughts. But keep talking about this because I've been struggling with how I feel about things.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Isla wanted everything. Isla wanted everything out of her room. And then I was like, what about your cat? She was like, dad, of course bring my cat. And so I go room to room. Leanne gets all our pictures, gets our hard drives of all the childhood videos we have. Leanne got all her jewelry, everything. I went room to room. Tom, I didn't want anything in that house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't want anything in that house. I went room to room. Because they don't mean anything to you. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And I went and I said, well, I should get my watches just because it's money. You know? Yeah. It is money. But I was like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait. Maybe. Maybe. Did you send me one? Yeah. Was that you that sent it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let me check with Leanne. I think she thought it was someone else. Hold on. That was you that sent that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My wife. You know we started couples therapy yesterday.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So wait. We started Couples Therapy in a good place. We weren't fighting. We were like, yo, we should be in Couples Therapy just to make sure we get in front of anything because we're by ourselves, no kids. And I totally won. I won the first one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I fucking destroyed. I won so hard. I won so hard. Tom, I got her off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I fucking shook her. I shook her. She was awful. She was like, you know when you cross over someone and they're like, break their ankle? That was Leanne in therapy. Wow. Congratulations. That's awesome. Anyway. Who did you think it came from? Leanne thought we bought it. Leanne said, oh, you know what this is? We bought this. There's a card in there. I'm bringing this up in couples therapy. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, hey, by the way, I love that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love it. I really do love it. I can see the watches, and I really love it. And by the way, because of that, I now will switch out watches on different days, and I never would have ever done that. I would just put a watch on and just leave all the rest in the closet. There you go. But so I was like, I'm going to grab watches for my go bag. And then I was like, guns. I'll get my guns.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got my guns. And then I was I was high one time at Home Depot. And I was like, I was like, I was like, you know what I'm going to buy? I'm going to buy these like crazy panel lamps that are like 20,000 luminums or whatever. And I'm going to get a chainsaw just in case shit goes sideways. And I grabbed those, my shotgun, my chainsaw, and my panel lamps. And I was like, grab my medication.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that's it. That's it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's nothing in this house that I want to take with me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
10,000 houses in the Palisades are gone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, no, I just left it by the fireplace, ironically. But I left it by the fireplace. And I was like, all right, if we need to go, we got it. We can take it. We can bounce. I can't believe I'm here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I was jealous. I was jealous that I didn't... You know, a while ago, this is why we're looking at houses in Nashville right now, is my business manager said to me... you know, you might want to diversify, you know, your properties. And I was like, what do you mean? He's just like, I don't know. Your houses are like a couple blocks from each other.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, uh, if something happens to, you know, one of the houses might happen to the second house, like an earthquake. And I was like, I don't understand. And then I very quickly understood what he was saying is I was like, Oh my God, if something happens to this house, it's happening to this house. The only thing I really, really, really, really, really wanted was my tour bus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, that was the one thing. I was like, I could get in that tour bus and leave tomorrow and not have to pack a go bag. Just grab my shotgun and my chainsaw. Put a watch on the other wrist and bounce. There you go. Give Ron a watch to make sure he drives the tour bus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I will, if someone tried to loot my house, I will take them captive. I will take them captive and bring them to the basement and they'll be my treat every time I feel bad or like I read something negative on the internet. I'll go down and fucking torture them. I think crazy things a lot. Yeah. Especially in like moments of disaster where I go, you know, hearing like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's going to do so good for Kill Tony.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know, my agent lost his house and, and the idea that like, that like, uh, like that is his kids have none of their shit. Yeah. It's really sad, man. Like they have none of their shit. Like it, it's just, I mean, it's one thing to move into like kind of clean up your house and stuff, but to where were they? So you have nothing. They were in Pasadena and Pasadena.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's just like, it's heartbreaking. And then think, I mean, you just start looking at your stuff. You're like, so I lose all my cars, right? All my cars are gone. I still got to pay the note on them. My house is gone. My other house is a block away. That's gone. My tour bus is gone. My podcast studio is gone. Like, wow, this is really. Would you seriously, would you move to Nashville?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that what you would do? If everything burned here? Yeah. I don't know. I'd probably, I know what I'd immediately do is I'd move into your fucking guest house in the back. Cool. I would absolutely move into your guest house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'd sell it to Netflix, a new comedy series called Uncle Bert. And I'd raise your boys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I bet I wouldn't even recognize them right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wish both my girls had played more sports, and then one time Georgia goes, I only played softball to connect with you. And I went, oh, God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never liked it, Dad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Be like Sean Payton and create bounties on people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I used to love going to softball games. Of course. It was awesome. And then when it stopped, I was like... I remember, man, that was the biggest fight George and I ever got into. Like... She quit softball during the pandemic. They weren't even playing, Tom. They weren't even playing. They weren't even practicing. She was on the team. I said, you're going to be a four year lettered athlete.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're not going to play another game of softball. She goes, I'm quitting. And I was like, you're not quitting. I'm telling you right now, we don't quit in this family. You're not quitting. She was like, I'm quitting. She was fucking 15, 15 years old. You're not quitting. And she fucking quit and sent the coach a letter. It was like, I quit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then the coach reached out and I was like, I fucking lost my shit. That's the one thing you don't get is like girls at like 15, every child, every father that has a 15-year-old daughter is dealing with a right now. They suck so bad. They suck so bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, they were. It was brutal. I mean, it was George and I. Thank God when she went to college, I think she. Being away from me, she realized how much I loved her. I don't know, whatever reason, the first time I went up for like a parents weekend, we were back. It was like old school Georgia. And I was like, thank God. But it was a few years of shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Oh, it was so tough, dude. I remember I was just talking to another dad about this the other day. I forget who. But I was like, yeah, and it brought back like psycho ex-boyfriend energy out of me. Yeah. Where I was like... I was like, you know when you're getting cheated on and you can feel it and you're like, something's happening.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you start acting even crazier and then they want nothing to do with you. That was my relationship with Georgia. I remember one time saying to Leanne, I go, I got to pretend like I'm just not that into her. And Leanne's like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what the coolest, I think I've told you this, you know the coolest thing? It's so funny. We're driving her to school, me and Leanne. And she goes, she like looks at me and she goes, yo. you know Duncan Trussell? And I was like, yeah. She was like, how long have you known him? I was like, I've known him probably since you were a little girl, since we moved in. That's when I met Duncan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She was like, hold on, I can't believe you know my favorite podcaster. And I was like, you like Duncan? She's like, Dad, I'm obsessed with him. And I got such cool credit points because I was friends with Duncan. And I was like, she was like, hold on, what's he like? And then we listened to his podcast together. I go, what made you think this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, he was doing an episode with Natasha Leggero. Do you know Natasha? And I was like... Yeah, Georgia, of course I know Natasha. She goes, and your name came up? And dad, I have never been more freaked out in my life. I had to hit pause. and go, what happened? She goes, I couldn't, I was afraid they were gonna trash you, and then I couldn't like my favorite podcaster anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know, it was crazy, but they were talking about Natasha taking her shirt off on stage. She was like, did that really happen? And I went, yeah. She was like, wait. wait, hold on, and then we listen to Duncan's podcast together and George is like, dad, he is so fucking smart. I was like, yeah, he's wildy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Donald Trump? I had a gig come to me and one of our family friends came up and he was like, you do comedy, right? I was like, yeah. And he was like, do you know Tony Hinchcliffe? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, you need to get on Kill Tony. I was like, thanks. Thanks. I was like, I'm on it. And he's like, what? I said, I've been on it. And he's like, no. And I said, no, I have.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he goes, no, like as a comic. And I went, wait, you want me to do one minute on Kill Tony? And he was like, yeah, dude, it'll really help your career. And I was like, will it? I was like, cool. I was like, I've been on the panel. I think that's better. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no. Those comics, they're the best comics in the world. Trust me, that would help you out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, thank you. I was like, just so you know, I just comped tickets to the arena for your parents that I was at, but that doesn't matter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Same kid. This is the best, okay, if you, this is the best thing I've ever done on accident that made me laugh hysterically. It's that same kid. I want to give him a shout out because he's just, he's a fun fucking kid. We met up when Leanna and I and the girls were in Italy. His family happened to be in Italy. And we all met up, okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they were going to take a huge tour through the Amalfi Coast. This kid has got to be like 13 years old, okay? Maybe 14 years old. And he was... We were looking at like the horrible touristy ass... And one of the hats was covered in pot leaves. And he was like, my parents would never let me have that hat. And I was like, fuck him. I'll buy it for you. And he was like, for real?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, yeah. It is the dumb. It's like a black and just green pot leaves all over the hat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I buy it for him. Two weeks later, his mom texts me, and she goes, you ruined our vacation. I said, what? She goes, every picture we have of us on the Amalfi Coast, my son is wearing this horrible pot leaf hat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I couldn't stop laughing. And then she sent me pictures, and it's them, like on a beautiful boat, their whole family. Everyone looks great, and he's got this black pot. I want to make a shirt, Tom. I want to make a shirt for two bears that we sell that you buy for your family's kid that's cool as shit. It's a coveted shirt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you buy for someone in someone's family when they go on vacations and they wear that shirt and ruin every picture.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it should be two bears with reggae fucking rasta hair like dreads and and just pot leaves everywhere just absurd it's so fun every picture they're in tom they're in like there's one where they're all on a boat they must have like rented a boat for the day and they're all in white linen even the kid and he's got this pot leaf hat on
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just like a line of clothing to ruin pictures. Yeah, that's a good idea. We make a Christmas shirt, and it's just a horrible Christmas shirt that people just go, oh, I'm wearing that to the picture. I love it. That makes me laugh so hard. Isla was so bad at taking pictures when she was a kid. She would make these faces.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She would go, and I don't know why, but every one of our childhood pictures, she is making the most horrific faces.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Have you guys done like a family photo?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the fun part. I bought my nephew one time a drum set. Yeah. They're like, what the fuck? We don't want him playing drums in the house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Not this year, but yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. I have an uncle. I have an uncle who's going through some health issues. And I reached out to his daughter and I was like, hey...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
can i um you know how can i help like how can i help is there anything you know like i can do and she was like yeah you know what you could do is you could uh you could remodel their bathroom like it's so crazy just yeah just like a full remodel and if you really want their kitchen could use it too and i was like yeah you want me to remodel their house yeah dude you asked to help right don't you want to help
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's always the thing that people – It's the biggest wildfire ever in Los Angeles, ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, is she getting her OnlyFans?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. I have no bags.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go buy a phone. Is she full-time in Austin now? Yeah, yeah, she's in Austin. How often do you see her?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And how often do you see your sister?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But yeah, I mean, it's crazy that your sister's lives in Austin and like, she's got to like start a life in Austin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you could get, if you could have, if you could hook your daughter, your sister up with one comic, who would it be? How old is she?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That coming from a comedian-comedian marriage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw him the other day, and he was like... He is just... He is always, always on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
trajectory it's on the news like just go leave the first call i got was miss pat that was the first person to call really and then yeah miss pat called called it like seven o'clock when when runyon called on fire she was like you could tell she was i think she was getting ready for bed she was like how you doing baby i was like good i was like we're fine and i told her you know who's funny you know who reached out to leanne yeah david tell
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Atel did? Atel texted Leanne this morning. He's like, I'm worried about you guys. Are you safe? Wow. I was like, that's how bad my replying to texts are that no one even texts me. He's not going to reply. Adam Ray called me first thing in the morning yesterday. There was a fire, like, I mean, not even a quarter of a mile from my sister's house, but a mile from where Adam and I live.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Adam Ray called and was like, hey, do we need to evacuate? I was like, what? Because I thought we were totally safe. And he was like, there's a fucking fire by Sepulveda in the 101. Or Sepulveda in the 405. And I was like, holy shit. And I started freaking out. And I called my sister. And I was like, are you evacuating? And she's like, I just ordered Postmates.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In Tampa, after the hurricane, my dad's got a buddy whose son has a really nice house in a really nice area right on the water. And it's gone. It's totaled. And he wants to rebuild, but he can't. They're not letting him rebuild in that lot that he owns because it's got to be that you can't just do ground level anymore. You've got to go up a story. So you've got to put a house on stilts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, why didn't you just make a cup of coffee? And she's like, I wanted a coffee with a lid on it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you ever think it's crazy that Muslim people picked one outfit and then stuck with it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whatever the... I mean, the robe. Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but isn't it crazy that they've never... That it hasn't evolved? It's just one thing. It's almost like they go... This is perfect.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You ever worn one? I have, and I fucking love them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I would love if that... I mean, it's kind of a no-brainer if America just was like... Because everyone wants to go towards socialism anyway, but if we just start with clothing... It's like the ultimate equalizer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What could we do in America? They have a lot of good ideas. This is our uniform.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like cowboy boots, jeans.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
T-shirt or collared shirt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So just like we have the conferences in college football, so if you're like an SEC guy, you got to wear khakis and a collared white shirt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There kind of already is uniforms a little bit for where you live. If you look at Brooklyn, it's like those cargo pants that are up to their high waters with boots and then a sailor's cap. They look like longshoremen, but they don't really do actual physical labor.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Get rid of individual items.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's crazy. Here's the thing that I've been wrestling with, and I don't know the right way to say this, and I want everyone to understand that these fires are happening last night, so I'm still processing it, and everything I ever say is meant to be funny or at least start comedy or at least dive deeper into the thing, right? There is a thing that happens. There's a rubbernecking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like that. I like that. Maybe Muslims, I just found out Islam is the religion, Muslim is the people. I just learned that the other day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The other day I was watching a documentary on Constantinople, and they kept saying interchangeably Islamic and Muslim, and I was like, wait, which is which?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Islamic people are people that follow Islam. Muslim people are also people that follow Islam.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I was kind of blown away by the fact that they picked one outfit and they stuck with it. And that when they go out as boys, they're all wearing the same thing. That's kind of wild. It's like going to a football game. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, okay, we're all wearing the same color.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we're all going to wear the same jersey. And then if you're not wearing our jersey, we're going to fucking kill you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Islam is like a fucking Dodgers game.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It's pretty cool. But I was like, I wonder what that does. When you take clothing out of the spectrum of personality, I wonder what that does.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like it a lot. I like it a lot. You can do jeans and t-shirts would be one option.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But once you put on suits, you've established dominance in society.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like that's the cool thing about... Islam is like you can't wear jewelry. Like you can't look feminine. You can't wear gold. Gold. But you can't wear feminine jewelry. And gold's feminine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You taught me that. That blew me away.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now here's the question. They've only got one race of people over there. we've got like four yeah well we got black asian white right and muslim well that's yeah okay so muslim people if you're in this country you've got to go old school muslim you can only wear uh the what is it called that that thing
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like when you see an accident on the freeway and you see everyone slowing down, you're like, what the fuck? Why are they slowing down? It's an accident. Someone's having the worst day of their life. Why the fuck do they need to slow down and look at it? But then when you get up to it, you're like, well, what did happen? And you look at it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's one thing. I got an offer to go play in Abu Dhabi. A winter collection? Wait, let me see the winter collection. The thaw. So they can put on like a vest and shit?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would go straight white robe all the way to the fucking floor, wear a hat every single day, and I'd put on a rose gold watch and keep it just to myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, I would do the wrap. I wouldn't know. You know what I'd do? I'd do the Muammar Gaddafi, just the red tablecloth, smaller version with the band around it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's what I would rock. I would rock that. That's it. By the way, I described that really good. Red tablecloth with a band on it. It's an Italian tablecloth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What was the... PLO? What was his name? The guy from Arafat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, let's see Arafat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's fucking badass.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's almost like a Luis J. Gomez hat where he wears the cowboy hat, but it's curled up on the sides.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a sick look. Yeah. Dude, that's a sick look.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One of the outfits we should allow in our country is military greens. You can wear military clothes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And despite everyone believing they're better than the person in front of them, you're just as bad. Tom, I'm so glad you said that because this is horrible. But I thought... there is going to be beachfront property available in Malibu. Like people will jump on this. For sure. It's the most coveted real estate in everywhere.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think people underestimate how funny Hollywood writers are. It's painfully funny. I was with a writer at a dinner party. This had to be, I don't know, fucking... probably 10 years ago in Valley Village, where we used to live, and this guy came up with his boyfriend, and he said, introduced himself. He's like, my name's Bill. This is my partner, Mark. And the guy goes, oh, you guys are cops?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's very funny. It made me laugh. But you look at, like, you know, like... You look at like Nikki Glaser took that picture with all her writers for the Globes. And I thought that was cool that she gave them credit because that was a monster performance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I heard that it was amazing. She had type in Nikki Glaser Ben Affleck joke. Oof. Was that a burp? That was bad. That was bad. You're going to smell it. You're going to smell it. Ah. Nikki Glaser's Ben Affleck joke was so good. But I thought it was cool that she gave, when you saw that list of writers, the people that were in that writer's room, dude, monsters, monsters.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The funniest human beings in Hollywood and in New York were in that fucking room. That's awesome. I looked at that. that thing. And I was like, I mean, the, the skillset Nikki has is to know how to get whatever they're saying in that room in her voice and make it hers and really deliver it and like own it on stage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I mean, she wildly went off script towards the end of her thing because the closer didn't work. And so she had to remember one of the other jokes they had in the room. Like Nikki just, she destroyed, but I love that she gave credit to those writers because that writer's room was the funniest fucking P every one of those people. I was like, That person's made me cry laughing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That person's made me cry laughing. And I like that she gave them credit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Her last HBO Max special we watched with the girls, which maybe wasn't appropriate. They were young. And it was a monster special. And that is the truth, is that she is someone that has gotten on stage every night. And when she gets a job like this, she does not let them down. She was like, I will be with the writers every day, five hours. I will be going on stage, running these jokes at night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I will bring them with me. I'm going to take this. I mean, she takes it so seriously. She is a real fucking comic. She is. Is this it? Is this the bit?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so what I did, and this is horrible, I'm admitting this, but like I looked on Zillow, everything south of Dukes was gone. I went on Zillow and I started looking at what was already for sale. And there's a house for like $6.5 million, 3,000 square feet, beautiful, gorgeous. It's gone. It's gone. That person who owns that house still has to pay that $6 million mortgage on that house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez was a good one, too. But you could tell that Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez have heard that joke about them. On paper, she's beautiful and Benny's a regular-looking guy. And so you could tell that they were like, I know where this is going. But it was still a great joke. Her joke was... We want to thank Selena Gomez for being here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Benny Blanco would like to thank the genie that granted him that wish that he could date Selena Gomez. It was awesome, man. She's a monster. I'll be at the Super Bowl with her this year. Or the big game. I'll be at the big game with her this year. Me, Tony Hinchcliffe, her, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. And a special surprise guest.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let me know if you want to come.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's that's look at that writer's room. Yeah. Strong. Mike Lawrence, not wearing a suit. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's an interesting – being in a writer's room is so fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's just – it's the funnest. It is the funniest. It is all the kids in class that were funny as fuck all in one room, and there's no rules. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
no hey do me a favor take pics see that even that's horrible that i would say that is like take pictures from the plane that's almost like schadenfreude of like look how pretty all this all this loss is you know here's what take it back don't say it but just know that i will okay i can't control myself i'll send you photos That is crazy that people flying in are taking pictures at people's loss.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
People lost their lives. No, I know. People died, and people are like, that looks so cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, they do. And they're trying to unload it. And now they're not getting $6 million. They're upside down on it. Yeah. So now someone will swoop in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I tell you the thing that bothered me the most? There is something in the internet that's taken over, okay? And I call it... for lack of better words, fucker in the pussy, okay? It's that energy of fucker in the pussy, of like, news crews are down on Hollywood Boulevard, Runyon's on fire, and they're like, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And people are, every individual is,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is personally branding themselves or their product or their promoting. Like one lady, everyone, everyone they interviewed was live on Instagram. They were live, right? So everyone wants to be their own news crew. Everyone's live. And then the lady would be like, hey, can you not look in your phone? And the woman just looked at me and she goes, I'm live right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the other lady's like, I'm on fucking TV. And she's like, yeah, but I'm live right now. One guy was like, yeah, this is crazy. It's so good. I learned about this from PRC Media. PRC Media was so good. And I've been following them. And I'm watching all this. One guy goes, this is the best. And this was the kicker in the pussy or puncher in the whatever thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The one guy they go, they go. He goes, what happened? She goes, there's fires. He goes, what? He's fucking with her. He's clearly fucking with her. She goes, yeah, there's fires. And he goes, how? She goes, I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why are there fires?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The lady on NBC last night clearly has never been to the Valley. Like, she has never been to the Valley. She's a Westsider. And she was like, Fryman Canyon's on fire. And everyone in our house was like, that's really fucking close. And she's like, Alex Trebek's house is burned down. And in my head, I was like, okay, hold on. Alex Trebek's house is torn down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When he died, they tore it down, and they're building houses on it. They're building multiple houses on that lot, and it's right next to Fryman Canyon. And I'm like, bitch, you... You've got to know where the hell you're talking about. You're not talking about the right places. And then she goes, correction, it's Runyon Canyon. And we're like, Runyon Canyon? She was like, I'm sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, she's an idiot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would have stayed in the pocket and been like, what do you mean all the gay people?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Good luck on the 405.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was great to see you. I'm glad you came in for this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's weird because I was trying to explain this to Leanne last night. We're watching it. I'm having a glass of wine. By the way, packed go bags. Packed go bags. Yeah, smart. All right, I'm going to tell you something. This is going to blow your mind, okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. No, there is a part of me that goes, man, it would – there is a part of me, sadly, that says – wow, I do have a little money. I wonder if I want to move to the Palisades after this. There's a part of your brain that does do that. Yeah. Dude, it's... Well, then I was like, I'm going to have to drive all the way to Culver City to get groceries because everything's fucking gone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're not even talking like Pasadena, Altadena. Altadena is, for lack of better words, there is a celebration of rich people getting what they deserve in America. It's insane. It's insane. It's insane to me that we all want and strive to have wealth and safety and security, and then we look at people that do have that, and when they lose it, you're like, good, that's what they get.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's gross. But having said that, people in Altadena... very modest lifestyles those are those are our grips are the guys that built Hollywood the guys that make the movie that actually make the movie and dress you my stylist Jennifer May Nichols lost everything lost her entire house everything I have multiple friends who live in Altadena or Pasadena who lost their homes My agent lost his home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
His family lost their home. And those are not Billy Crystal. Everyone's like, I wonder if he brought his Emmys with him and his Golden Globes. And you're like, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Billy Crystal lost everything. Really? Lost everything. And a lot of, I mean, and those are Palisades. Palisades is big money. That is where you make good money, you move to the Palisades, and it's absolutely gorgeous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Altadena, by the way, that's where regular people, like, that's where, Leanne and I looked at Altadena when we were looking to buy a house. Steve Byrne lived in Altadena with his family. Steve Renazzisi lived in Altadena with his family. Like, that's where, like, if you can afford a house for, like, 700,000, a million dollars. That's where you'd move.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I know those are wild numbers, but this is LA. Things are different. Everything's expensive. But those all burned down. 17,000 acres. And so, but I forget the point of what I was saying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's something about the taste of those toothpastes that you see on the counters that as a kid, I always felt they were trying to trick me. I could taste... that there was something in there to make me think. I've always had it. At times, I've brushed my teeth with soap. These are little tablets you pop in your mouth, you chew up, and then you spread around and you brush your teeth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
unlock 10 off your entire order this january visit better biome.com and use promo code two bears at checkout but anyway so anyway we had to pack go bags because what happened last night is we're all at the office and uh runyon canyon caught on fire yeah now here's the here's what i was trying to explain to you earlier there's a thing about rubbernecking
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Remember, I'm trying to talk candidly and openly about it, and I may say some wrong things. You do. But where you watch the news, and you see Altadena, and you see the Palisades, and you know it's so far away from you that you're almost watching out of curiosity, out of like, whoa, that's wild. And then it doesn't register with you. It doesn't hit you, and then... Runyon Canyon caught on fire.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, whoa, that's close. And then it becomes real. And then all of a sudden, this thing you've been watching the whole time becomes very intimate to you. It's like, and I was like, whoa. And then this side of the hill caught on fire. Down by Witsit and Ventura. That caught on fire. And by the way, I think they're starting the fucking fires.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the one thing, my one takeaway is why don't we make houses out of chimneys? Because everyone's chimney is still standing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because there's no way embers from Runyon could have gotten to there. That was a fire that had to be started. You still think it's BLM? I think it's probably Antifa or BLM, yeah. That's fucking crazy. Because I remember you were telling me that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think it's Anthony Jeselnik fans.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I speak from the heart. If you think you have a problem, maybe it might be you. She's standing behind you. Nope. Nope. I'm a black man. I don't get my shit taken. Take his blood pressure first. No, no, no. Don't even get near my fucking arm. Don't even get near my arm. Wait. What do you think it is? Because I don't want to deal with it. Listen. Listen, I'm having a good time, okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not getting my blood pressure taken.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, thanks. I got beat in this race by a guy in a wheelchair today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, his name is Jerry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Shout out to Jerry. I see you right there, Jerry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. Jerry smoked. By the way, for real, Jerry smoked me on the uphill. He did. He passed me on the uphill and then flew past me again. I kept neck and neck with the disabled guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had a couple. When I ran the L.A. Marathon. You ran the L.A. Marathon? I ran the L.A. Marathon with no training at all. And I got beat by an Asian dude dressed as Big Bird with a tuba. I'm trying to picture it. I got beat by a dude with cerebral palsy and his dad who was wearing jeans.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Two Mexicans, and the mom was with them. It was bad. I got smoked. But the thing is, just finish, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did the L.A. Marathon. No training at all. No training.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no. I would train. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would train. Do you know who might like this whiskey?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Have you met Jason Kelsey? Football player?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no, I haven't. Hey, someone grab Jason and Bo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ric Flair, motherfucker! Could you still freestyle right now? Hell no. For real? Uh-uh. Yeah. When was the last time you rap battled?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are a lot like us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We got to give a shout out to Jason. Jason donated all this garage beer that you're drinking today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ. Oh, here we go. You want some whiskey? I would love some.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She just took my blood pressure. 120 over 60.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
120 over 60. Tom, I hope you're at my fucking funeral. Well, 20 over 60 is good. Yeah, I know. Tom's an asshole. Yeah, over here. Another one over here. Do you, like, kind of hate your brother and love your brother?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Like, I like Tom, but I kind of hate him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You want one too, right? Yeah, sure. Fuck yeah. So you guys running at 2 o'clock?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you being fucking serious?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Big fan. Big fan. Dark side of the grill. Check him out. He's a great chef.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Or at least the reason big people do it. Swimmers are psychos. That's true. People who swim. By the way, bye mom, bye dad. I love you guys. Thank you very much for coming out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dad, you want to try Japanese whiskey? It's very good. You want to try Japanese whiskey?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we did FaceTime my dad. That's right. All right, love you guys. Swimmers are crazy because you can't listen to music and you just stare at the bottom of a pool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It checks out. That's how it works. That's how it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we got to keep it going. I mean, look, this was a pipe dream that we started in Austin because we were looking to fill content. And we were like, yo, it's going to be January 1st when this drops. What's our New Year's resolution? And then we just jokingly said 5K by May. And then we called all our friends that had been canceled. And they all said no. This one?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What? I'm hammered.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thick back. Yes. Like, bro.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's almost. And if they cut their hair short, you're fucking a dude. Then you're in. Yeah. Great cardio, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But, man, there's a couple times you're like, so I am kind of fucking a dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nor are you ever fucking a dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Break that down. Well, break it down and reverse it. Let's eliminate who are the worst drinkers. It's Asians. The Asians. Asians are the worst. They get red. They're allergic to alcohol. Native Americans, Asians.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't think we make that card. No, black guys are fun to drink with. Always. Hey, hello. Hello. Never not fun. You know, I didn't realize that black dudes could be alcoholics.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we did it in Los Angeles, and now we're here in Raymond James, and we've got over 7,500 people here. And it's just amazing. And I've got to keep it going for all the bucks that showed up. The bucks came out. But let's break down that, do not take my fucking blood pressure. Just give me a goddamn IV. I do not want that, or just give me the IV.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Until Tupac Shakur. Tupac? You didn't get drunk with Tupac. No, no, no, no. I need to hear this story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. I didn't realize he had a drinking problem. And then one day I was like, why is he drinking all day? Thug passion is like an all-day drink. Right. And so I just never I never saw. And then when you moved to New York and you hang out with when I got to New York, all the black comics partied and all the white comics were all sober. And I was like, oh, black dudes get down. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You ever done coke with a white dude? You know, you know, I've never done cocaine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I kind of had a career. I know. But it's like. But wait, if you hadn't sold drugs, you maybe wouldn't have had a career. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. You got to be grateful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a dream podcast for me. It's my favorite people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, exactly. Two Father's Days ago, my wife got me a wallet for Father's Day. And I thought, how invasive. How... How presumptuous. A wallet's a personalized choice. And then I went on the road and I was at a outdoor shop and I found Ridge Wallets. Ridge Wallets, what I love about them is they are slim. They are unique, a modern design that holds up to 12 cards plus cash.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Or don't, or don't, but do not take my blood pressure. How bad would your blood pressure be? I do not take my blood pressure. Is that a good sign? No, I get the white coat syndrome, and I don't want to, listen, I normally get two bags. I'll be fine with one bag. Just do not take my blood pressure. What's his blood pressure right now? It's still thinking? Well, does it register he's dead inside?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're made of premium materials like aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber and have over 50 colors and styles to choose from. This is the one I use. I'm not going to pull out my credit card, but I'll show you how it's done. Let's see if I can get my credit card number out online. But it's great. And it fits super slim in your back pocket. I got one for my bus driver, Ron. He loves it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And all Ridge products have a lifetime warranty. This is literally the very last wallet you will ever have to buy. Ridge wallets even have an RFID blocking technology that keeps you safe from digital pickpockets. I didn't know what that was. And then one day as I just scanned my card, I went, oh, someone could have that. and just run up to my butt and hit my butt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look, and I hate when I lose my wallet, but with the Ridge AirTag attachment, I never have to go in panic mode before because I know where my wallet is, I hit it, it makes a sound, I track it, you're within six feet, and bam, I got my wallet. Ridge isn't just about wallets. They create premium everyday essentials like key cases, suitcases, and rings, all built with the same sleek, durable design.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No matter what you pick, Ridge has free shipping and a 99-day risk-free trial. And a lifetime warranty on all their products. Dude, it's a no-brainer. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off at Ridge by using this code, CAVE, at checkout. Just head to Ridge.com and use code CAVE and you're all set. That's Ridge.com and use code CAVE for 10% off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
After you purchase, they're going to say, hey, where did you hear about us? Please support our show and tell them that you heard about them on our show and that we sent you. That is Ridge.com and the code is CAVE for 10% off. This is the best vodka in the world. You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple things, eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm pretty good at the first one, too. But this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever going to have. It's clean. I sleep court. My sleep score is through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tell them, request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry Poroso's? And if they say no, you go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome. And then walk out. You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no. I bring out a bottle and give it to them. I go, now you do. Can I get a bottle, a glass of porosos? That's awesome. That's awesome. What's up?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When you're a center, when you're a long snapper, are they not allowed to hit the long snapper? Not anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I be down. Oh my gosh. That was a close call.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What are you talking about? You're so frustrating. Your blood pressure is always perfect. Well, it might not be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a great nickname.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I meant for his daughter, but yeah. What's up, Snacks? It's a great nickname.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a great nickname.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wanted Des Watson.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's a big guy. You see Debs Watson?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Big boy. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted him to run it, but he doesn't have to report for another week. Wait, how do you guys come up? This is good. I like the nicknames thing. Did you guys have a lot of nicknames in the.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How did you in hip hop. How did you come up with Nori.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. It's not great. It's not terrible, she just said. I personally would rather lower on the top number. If you're going to take my blood pressure, I don't need an IV. Stop. No, I'm not getting one. Why? There's 7,000 people here. I'm not getting my blood pressure taken. And guess what? All 7,000 want you to get your blood pressure. Nope, nope, nope. Stop. Game's over. I'm not playing. Stop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You? Yeah. I'm a big fan of anybody. Yeah. If you're famous, I'm a fan. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I want to party with Kim Jong-un. What's the worst hip hop?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, Kim Jong-un? Notorious drinkers. Oh, Kim Jong-un's an alcoholic. Yeah. No, he is. And by the way, Kim, if you're listening to this, or Jong-un. He's a big fan of the pod, I think. Dude, you know he listens to podcasts. You don't think he listens to Rogan a little bit? Western media is undefeated. You think, all right, who's the most fucked up person you think listens to your podcast? Mine?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Probably my own family. But no, you've got to have a deep... You know Putin listens to Rogan. You know he does. For sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know Trump listens to it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Would you have Putin on as a guest? We'll take him. Dude, you'll do crazy numbers. It'll be fucking insane. Fuck. All right, what's the worst hip-hop name you ever heard where you're like, yeah, that shit isn't going to fly?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A black 11-year-old is more of a grown-up than me. Without a doubt. Yes, that's a fact.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm so glad, too. Wait, Tommy, do you have any nicknames? Bunz. Tommy Bunz, you know what that's from? Not from Belly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Best DMX interview ever. Let's make some noise for DMX.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Game's over. Nope. It's my arm, and I hold him tight. Nori, get up here. Nori, come here. Nori's a black man. You don't go to the doctor. No way. Nori, come here, please. Over here. Sit right here on the stairs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So put it like this, guys. So put it like this, guys. Hype Williams is every hip hop video you loved.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There you go. That's my man. Here, we got a mic for you, Nori. And Jason Kelsey's Garage Beers are up here. Have you had one yet? Here, sit down. I never met Tom, but I feel like I know you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's the bill. What was your rookie dinner like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Rookie dinner means you had to pay for the whole team, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's their offensive line, so that's a lot of fucking food. It is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ladies and gentlemen, from Drink Champs. That's right. How you doing? And a fucking massively successful rapper himself, Nori.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you got to go to Black Twitter. Black Twitter. Hey, man, Black Twitter was where I was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is Black Twitter? It was called, and I'm going to say this wrong. I apologize. Don't say the N-word. Nope. Oh. Please don't say it. They wanted to break a black man. That's what black Twitter said. Said what? You can't come in as a black man. They did it to Colin Kaepernick. This is black Twitter. That's all I watched.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not just... No, but they let... Hold on. They let this shit happen with fucking Eli Manning. Oh, I see what you're saying. Eli Manning's dad, Archie, was a little controlling. Dude, this is all black Twitter. I'm just telling you what black Twitter says. Yeah, I see what you're saying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Buddy, that's all I fucking do. Let me tell you something, man. Because you know what? Burt Kreischer is a piece of shit. Doesn't show up on black Twitter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's get back to Goofy. What do you think is better?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Being an NFL offensive lineman, an NFL quarterback. A platinum-selling artist, rapper, country musician, whatever, or a stand-up comedian.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All of us are. Bro, there's millions of dollars of talent on this stage right now. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, they're fucking! That's why they're called love bugs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Him and his brother suck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you need some guy raw-dogging bitches in Cleveland.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look, Jason's such a good guy. He says he's going to come, and he shows up. You and him are the same kid. The bar is low. You're a regular human. That's all it takes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you wake up going, what did I do yesterday? And your wife goes, you won the Super Bowl.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Has he been on Drink Champs yet? No, Tom? No. I would love to be on Drink Champs. You know he's got a new series coming out on Netflix in April.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. What's the dumbest shit you've bought? I'm guessing Jason's is going to be mild. Yeah. You're so fucking relatable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They love you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. You're famous for wanting to bring your kids to the... I bought an F-150.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, an F-150? No, no. No, that's good. No, but you were famous for wanting to bring your kids to the Super Bowl when they were infants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here, a round of garage beers. Jason, thank you so much for sending these beers down. Yes, dude, thank you. Thank you for coming down. Thanks for being here. You're a fucking legend. Thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This idea is almost dumber than Two Bears Sports Management.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Mine are like yours. I'm a very relatable, regular guy too. Tom, what's yours? Fucking asshole. Go ahead. What do we got? Come on. You're a very what? I've spent money on houses and watches. That's it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're the one that introduced me to Richard Millay. Richard Millay, yes. I've never... It's like... I gotta pee. And you ran.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm gonna go piss.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, let's do it. I also got pancakes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you know that your electricity bill increases the more you use lights?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. We can do it. Oh, boy. It's my favorite thing ever, and I swear by it. Box of wine on the treadmill, Guy Fieri, Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. I can put 14 miles in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tiny shots. Tiny shots. That's okay. Frank! Shout out to Frank. Frank, how much weight are you down right now? You're doing good, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is Frank from Barstool Sports.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He'll be doing it today with Antonio Brown. Antonio Brown will be out here. And I don't think he's coming.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The run champs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you. Salud. Cheers. Thank you to Mike Calta. Thank you to all the celebrities that said they were going to show up and fucking showed up. There's a difference in celebrity. The people that show up and the people that don't show up. Cheers, everybody. Cheers.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One chance.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's go eat pancakes. Yeah. I'm hammered already. I'm pretty. I'm good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll do the IV after. Get the IV after. Don't let him take your blood. We love you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Box of wine on the treadmill. Diners, drive-ins, and dives. I put in 14 miles in a night. Oh, wow. Dude. Wow. Jogging drunk. You know what I watched one time?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Two Bears Racing, Two Bears AI Porn. Yeah. We've had a lot of dumb ideas, Tom.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I watched the movie 1918 about World War I where the guy's got to run and give a message. Yeah. And every time he ran, I ran because I was drunk. Like I was in World War I and I had to give the message. It was fucking awesome. Dude. I watch football drunk on the treadmill and every time they run I run. It's a fuck. You got to play games with yourself That's a really good training regimen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A polar plunge, hammered, suburbs you right up. Say you're throwing a kid's party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You can back...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The coolest. Wait, let's make some noise real quick for Drink Champs. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Hang on. Look, I know there's a lot of white people, but everyone loves hip-hop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Drink Champs is a deep cut into hip-hop. Like, I'm telling you, the best interview ever, DMX. Any interview about DMX, fucking amazing. Drink Champs is the first place I heard Diddy say he wanted to party with someone. Oh, shit, yep. He went to Party of Fabulous. Yeah, yeah, he did. Yes, yes. It's true. Dude, it is. It's on camera. We can't deny it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We were so hungover this morning. I was like, there's no way I'm running this fucking race.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Great guy. Yeah, shout out to Diddy. Yes, yes. It is such an amazing podcast. And if you haven't listened, you've got to check it out. Yes. And Tommy, you've got to do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like that. I'm going to be fucking hammered.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's just break down the bartenders at Bar Howard. Holy cheat on my wife. Those fucking women.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
slash bears men if you're starting to notice your hair thinning when you look in the mirror oh and that is your first foot in the grave i remember the first time i remember someone told me i was losing my hair and then i asked the chick i was dating i said i'm not losing my hair am i she went yeah you are real casual as like i don't think people realize what is life what is it's like to to lose your hair as a man especially when you're young listen listen
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
HIMS makes treating hair loss simple with doctor-trusted and clinically proven ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil. I've been on minoxidil for... since I was for 30 years. Holy crap. And it grows hair is as little as three to six months. Choose from a personalized, doable, oral spray, a serum, any treatment that works best for you. The process is super simple and a hundred percent online.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, can I get an IV? Oh, my God. Look at how fucking quick she comes. Holy shit. Holy shit. Hey, can I get a blowjob? Why don't we... Oh, no, no. Just the IV from you, please. Or both if you're into it. Just IVs. Be cool. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So there's no comfortable, uncomfortable doctor visits like I had to do in 1993. I had to go to a doctor. a dermatologist. All you got to do is answer a few quick questions online and a medical provider will be determined if treatment was right for you. If prescribed, your treatment is sent directly to you for free. No insurance is needed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. Start your free online visit today at hems.com slash bears. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash bears for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Hems dot com slash bears. Results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And by the way, when Jelly Roll gets here, no one take pictures. Let him get up here quick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk hip-hop real quick. Okay, let's talk hip-hop. You talk about who you love. Because Tom's like a real deep-cut hip-hop guy. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're my guilty pleasure. You really are. I fucking love drink champs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Very good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. That is like in a drinking, running hall of fame. I get. The best thing I ever saw was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100% excuse.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is your first movie. Yeah. And you have iconic, culturally iconic lines that we say for the rest of our lives. That's crazy. In your first fucking movie. Your first three movies, insane. Boys on the Side, that, and A Time to Kill. Your first three fucking movies. Well, there's Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Oh, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That's the...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But there's a fine line between desperation and getting what you want. Like when you did A Time to Kill, they wanted you to play a Klan member. So there's the person who goes, I want to be the star, right? Yes. But you've always navigated a great way of going, of advocating for yourself. Well, that one was...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In the world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was Mother's Day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's smart. Do you need approval from a director as you're doing it, or can you operate independently?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's fucking wild. That's so cool. That's cool to know that two people I love could work together. So a lot of times you think you get two stars in there and there's a competition.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love that you like getting weird. It's my favorite thing is late night, family's asleep, back to the man cave, bottle of wine, cowboy boots, gloves, Speedos, and listen to music. Like if someone walked in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. I like it. And it's so funny. I think that's the... there's such a child still about you. You're still that kid in a loincloth building a fort.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How much of your book would you want your son to live through? Oh, good question, man. Thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can leave now. When are we going to drink tequila? Keep going. Because I don't want them to live. I got really scared for you in Australia. Like, I got really scared for you. As a father. Take a repo. As a father, I went, oh, my God. That's my fear is my kid to study abroad and that to happen. This is very freaky. This one. Part of that thing. But as I look, and I go look at Times of Chateau.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. You and the... It was in Canada, but I think Native Americans in Canada. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All these wild things. You go into Africa. All these things are really cool in hindsight. But as a father of a young man... Thank you. How much do you want... How much of this book do you want your son to live through?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you need that hunger. Your son will never sleep on someone's couch for an extended period. Because at some point, he'd probably just go, hey, Dad, I'm in LA. But when you're young and you're poor, you go, out of necessity, can I crash on your couch? There's a vulnerability when you wake up in someone's living room. Yeah. I feel like makes this man, if that makes sense.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You travel. You don't vacation. You travel.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tiptoe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love that you're also Jewish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Circular's funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So was he just sitting inside the couch and they have baby legs attached to him?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, I'd like to commit to that writer and director. Tom and I will do any movie you want to do, silent scene, and we'll also pay for it. There you go. But it's got to be as good as that fucking trailer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That trailer's really good. Thank you for showing me that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What chapter is it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I read your book, sometimes when people write books, there are little things that I can't stop noticing. You love ketchup.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I love ketchup. I only eat meatloaf to eat ketchup.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had to grow to love ketchup. And then once I realized what it was doing to me, I went, wow, you're expanding my horizons. I didn't know that I could enjoy salt and sweet at the same time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't need the fucking antibiotic. I want the fucking Heinz with the shit in it. What's the craziest thing you put ketchup on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's great. Scrambled eggs. It's easy. It makes scrambled eggs. It's great. It makes scrambled eggs. Guy Fieri would, like, fucking catch up with eggs with ketchup on them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you mean when you put it on because your mom was selling it and she said it gave you cystic acne? Buddy, I will tell you the book's awesome. Buy it. But the fucking audio book is insane.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't want the... If you put the ketchup on top of the burger, it falls off the sides. Right. You want to dip it so that it's walking... It is the pimp walking the prostitutes into the party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, black-eyed peas, I cannot eat. Black-eyed peas with ketchup, I fucking love them. I'm going to tell you one even further. If I'm drinking in the morning at an airport, and I don't feel like drinking, but I have to because I've got to get on the plane, I'll take ketchup, smear it on my hand, let it dry, and then just slowly just... Get down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just a reminder to have a treat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's good, man. Fuck, I'm never going to eat ketchup and not think about you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's good, man. A little K-bump. I like that, yeah. Excuse me. Let me take a hit. Who doesn't like you? I mean, you're like the coolest dude in the world. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Turn them on to pick a pepper. Pick a pepper. Try a pickled pepper. Yeah, give me another tequila. Hey, I also like mustards. I'm a big mustard guy, but I'm really Asian mustards. I like really, really, I need my nose to feel it. I like hot mustards.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Coleman's is like the best English mustards, but Asian mustards are stronger than English mustards.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So do you put, so when, explain your tuna fish to me because my wife's a redneck and so she has pickle jalapenos, candied jalapenos in her tuna fish. Yeah. Okay. Wait, I want to hear yours.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't even think about putting wasabi into my fucking tuna fish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it's gonna be- You're blowing my mind right now. You're blowing my mind. It's like the first time someone told me how to finger someone and I didn't know that you weren't just supposed to stick it in and leave it there. And I go, oh yeah, it would make sense to move it around. You're telling me tuna fish. It is like that. Tuna fish. If I would get high-end tuna, of course I'd put wasabi on it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why wouldn't I put it on my tuna fish? I know, it's a good idea, right? We fucked this interview up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The day after A Time to Kill, you went to the promenade and you had a tuna fish sandwich with ketchup on it. And all I heard was, I got to try ketchup on a tuna fish sandwich.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, real quick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
These are good wrecks, man. God. Good wrecks. I'm drinking your tequila tomorrow morning. Yeah, man. Saturday morning. I am too. Are we going to try our vodka? Yeah. Hey, can we bring another glass? We launched this vodka. You and your wife did the smartest thing. For Halloween, you both dressed up. For osos. For the bears.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bears. Bears. The bears. Two bears. You guys dressed up as bottles of your tequila for Halloween. I thought that was so cool. I was like, God damn it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What percentage of your dad are you and what percentage of your mom are you out of 100%?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, I don't know. I feel like we all think you're your dad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I really respect this out of your mom because there is a thing. It's like, yeah, why do I have to subscribe by everyone else's rules? I'll just live my own life. And the ability to forgive herself is fascinating. I wish I had that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're speaking for us?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what part of you is your dad? I identify. I just said that to the boys outside. Explain what your dad said. You were flexing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a good lesson. His dad, our dad, we all have the same dads. All have the same dads. And I think we all look at our dads the exact same way. I was saying this to Tommy earlier. Hey, to our dads. To our dads.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Let me tell you why we created a vodka. This is when I started drinking vodka. I was sitting on a plane next to a gorgeous man, beautiful man, jawbones, everything, cheekbones. It was early, and I said, I'll take a Heineken from the flight attendant. He said, I think I might drink two. I'm going to get a double Tito's and soda. I said, vodka? He goes, it's in my contract. I said, contract?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He goes, I'm a male model. It's the only thing I'm allowed to drink. It doesn't bloat you. It keeps you healthy. And I went, hmm. I said, mix that Heineken. I think I'll take a double Tito's and soda. And I've been a vodka drinker now for 15 years. And look at you. Dude, it's gorgeous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Although this tequila is phenomenal. And I'm telling you, man, you guys, I say marketing, but your representation of it. I don't think you're a marketing guy. I think you're just, this is what I do. This is what I'm into. It's just been so genuine and authentic. And it's like out of all these tequilas that you've seen show up, The Rock or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, I don't know, for some reason I want to drink what he drinks. Well, let me ask you this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. You know? It seems very homegrown. It doesn't seem like you're – I know it's not a money grab for you because you don't need money. So, like, that's why I think it's cool. You know, and there's an elusiveness to your wife. I know she's on Instagram, but she's not, like, out there telling her story and trying to get views.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And there's also the idea that this is the chick that Matthew McConaughey was like, hey, don't leave. Please stay. Fucking crazy. Yeah, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't get a lot of friends. Who's your best friend?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My wife's like, it's a 7 a.m. flight. You've got a lot in your plate. What accent am I doing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The takeaway from this book is that there are dudes who put on a hat because someone said it's cool and they want to look cool and they walk into a bar and you simply put on the hat and are cool. Like this fucking book is like, like some people go, I'm going to drive through the desert for the next three days so that people say he's driving through the desert. And it's on his Instagram.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you know you answer it. He's an old school dude. He doesn't text you. He doesn't text you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you've worked with so many wild people. Like, fun. Like, people that I go, I'd love to know that. Like, I think Sandra Bullock's the baddest motherfucker in town. I think she's so cool. I think fucking Cole Hauser is one of the baddest motherfuckers in town. I'll tell you about it. I even think back to, can I tell you who I was obsessed with in Days Infused? It was Sasha. Sasha. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's great. I go, where the fuck? I want more of that guy in my life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was such a scene stealer. Like he was such a scene stealer. I fucking loved him. That movie was so impressionable on me. I must have watched it a million times. Everything you've done. I know we got to get you out of here. We do. You are a legend. And the idea that we got to sit with you for an hour and a half. It was really awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm telling you right now, if you're a young man, I just say young man because that's what I think, this is the book you need. This will walk you, you're just going to see, it's not a self-help book. It's a story of a dude who did it his way and did it differently than everyone else and turned out on top. And it's a great roadmap for the way to look at life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe not live your life the same way, but look at life and go, fuck yeah, man, I need to get off the road. I need to get out of town. I need to go do something different. I got to roll the dice a little bit. You're a legend, brother.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Appreciate it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Two bears, one cave
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You did it at a time no one was talking about it. You get you right after you did a time to kill. You just were like, fuck it. I'm getting a van. I'm getting a dog and I'm gone. And you weren't doing it for anyone. In a world where everyone's doing it for optics, you were doing these journeys to the Congo, to Africa, fucking motorcycle with Cole Hauser and Roy Cochran.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You guys weren't doing it for views.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour, featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Don't listen to my audio book. Yeah. I can't read aloud.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance, Sound of Madness, and all the classics you'll love alongside some never-before-performed deep cuts. And, of course, the mind-blowing production in Pyro the band is known for. Let me tell you something. I've had these guys on Birdcast. I've known Zach for a very long time. We've seen them perform whenever our tour's lined up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a show you won't want to miss. I'm telling you right now, Bush, Morgan, Wade, what a lineup together. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit Shinedown.com.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matthew McConaughey Is The Coolest Dude In Texas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It really is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like it, man. That's a good plan. I think this time off has been good for me. Taking on too much is not good for anyone, man. I know. It's not good for anyone. So how long will she stay in Spain, though?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of dedicated weightlifters. That's not of the population. Of dedicated weightlifters can do 400. Do you think there's people in the population that can bench 400 pounds that don't lift weights? There's a couple freak shows for sure, like genetic anomalies, you know, like farmer's sons who are just out there hauling hay every day that are like freak shows.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I refuse, by the way, one of their favorite things to do is to take my phone and they go, hey, I'm Tom. They go, I'm Tom. And then they're like, I have your phone. And I always grab, I'm like, don't, if that shit's unlocked, I'm like, fuck no. Do not look at that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but most of the time, this is like somebody really dedicated to doing that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I was proud of you. It went through a phase where at first you were like, I don't know if I can. This is when you had the first date, which was I think New Year's Day. And you were like, I've gotten, I forget, 290 or something. And you were going to do 305 or 315? Right before New Year's, I did 305 twice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I see Rogan talking to fucking Dr. Phil. I'm looking at the search bar. Hold on, bro. Okay. Fat. Fat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
there you go it's right there word okay summer with an a with an a yeah okay okay with an a the fun way now go to the instagram go to the instagram i'm sure it's the one that says loading that one i don't know i mean that's what we went to oh it's probably it can someone over here find it let me see is it a
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you hearing that? Yeah. So white girl? Yeah, let's just see if that pulls up. How about the one said fat N-words need love too. I don't know if that's it. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, it's real bad. I'm getting a lot of war videos, a lot of war.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, a lot of war videos. I think from Ukraine. they're pretty rough man yeah people falling on their heads and then I get and then like I get some car stuff and then I don't know Greek I saw a dude I saw a dude on a electric bike yesterday get hit by a car and wrap his leg around a stop sign and it broke his leg in a circle
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, jeez. I thought you witnessed it in person.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, that's fucking cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's exciting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, it's going to be in the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I thought before that, when you were like, I've gotten 290 or something, I was like, yeah, you might, you might not. It was like kind of up in the air. Once you told me you were moving it, but upping the weight, I actually thought you were crazy for a second because you're like, I got this, but now I'm moving the day and I'm raising the weight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I knew it. I knew it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she also, the moment the video cuts off is the moment the video cuts off. Like it was, I didn't edit because people were like, Oh, it sounds like you were about to get really aggressive with her. I was like, yeah, I did. But they just stopped recording.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I wasn't. I wasn't. I mean, it was an insane series of events to watch somebody hit your car, walk up to them and go, hey, you just backed up into my car, and have that person look at you in your face and go, I don't think I did.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and i'm like uh i watched you and then she goes i don't think i did i go i don't not like do you think you did you did yeah i don't think i did and then you're like yeah your trailer hitch has the paint from my hood on it you know yeah i saw that video of you yeah and then the next day i saw on like joke world or something yeah yeah this on instagram
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, this was, I didn't know I was being recorded, but yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, well. But the trailer thing, I was like, lady, not only did I watch it, like there's the trailer hitch and there's the hood of my car. It's like a perfect match. There's the paint on the corner. Yeah, there's the paint. Yeah, it was just nonsense.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, a bunch. A whole bunch. That's crazy. A whole bunch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, no. Why would you make this person accountable? And then, yeah, just like, hey, man, why are you putting this out there? You're trying to get her in trouble? You're like, what? Yeah, good thing you can afford it. Yeah. You know, if you're going to drive that car, then just, yeah, just pay for that. I'm like, wait, what? Like, I watched somebody hit the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why wouldn't it be their responsibility?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. I think if your Russian is anything like your Spanish, we should just have a translator there. But I'll tell you this. I'll be good. You like bear?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think he'd be a fun interview. I know. I wonder if the Kremlin will take us up on this offer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. That's cool. Yeah, let's see what they say. I'm sure we'll heal back. Can you guys follow up on that? I told you I've been doing a dive on Mussolini lately.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, that's pretty crazy because if you're not there, you're making it much harder. Then when you told me you had done a couple reps of 305, I was pretty certain you were going to get it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, man. This guy was a piece of work, dude. Like... First of all, he stabbed a classmate when he was a teen, and he got kicked out of boarding school.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
then talking about are you talking about the memoir he wrote dude his memoir when he forced himself onto a teen this is when he's in his 20s he forced himself onto a teen girl like he was a teen he was a 26 27 year old man this girl's 16 years old he does the unthinkable
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
he says that when she's when they're done she's crying and says you violated my honor and his words in his journal were what honor you're like what the fuck man he got he ends up getting you know he marries a woman leaves her finds another woman that he really likes but guess what he likes more than that woman her 16-year-old daughter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So then he marries that girl, and then he is, they assume, I mean, there's a lot of stuff, there's so much to talk about with him, but they assume that he had, presume that he had at least 100,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
kids with uh out of wedlock with other women during his reign of power so they would bring women into the into the compound and he couldn't be bothered to take his pants or shoes off he was just like get over here then get rid of them and then he would have the secret police follow them be like just make sure they don't fucking do anything stupid i mean he was
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was a big-time goofball, yeah. He was a goofball. He really was. This is, of course, I'm leaving out the tens of thousands of murders, but he really, yeah, I mean, he put on the, he's the blueprint. for fascist dictator. He's the guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he's the grandfather of it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I also think there's days, like I tell you, my dad used to track all his lifts in a journal, right? And he was doing Olympic lifting. But he said he also would write down how he was going into that day. So I was super tired or energized. Thinking there'd be a correlation between like I feel like shit and bad lifts or I feel great and good lifts He was like they never lined up Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I wonder if he was just paranoid about meeting people, like once he knew, you know, because there was, so here's some, by the way, some movies. Last Days of Mussolini is a 74 film about his final days when he tried to flee Milan. Robbing Mussolini is a 2022 Italian action film about plans to steal his treasure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Tea with Mussolini is a period film that depicts the end of the English expat community in Florence. Yeah, but I'm talking about like, you know what I mean? Like a Schindler's List level movie about this guy. It feels like there's definitely that story there. It's just a matter of who wants to tell it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Ketchup. I knew that was number one. So I prefer it refrigerated. I like to refrigerate it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. The thing about that condiment is like, it's not technically required. Most experts recommend keeping it after opening. I prefer it from the fridge, dude. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, it's another texture one. Here's the thing. How long are we leaving it out? Because butter is supposed, like, it's going to last longer, obviously, in the refrigerator, but I like soft butter if I'm going to use it, you know, as a condiment, butter, bread, or whatever. It's nicer that it's been out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't like it like, hey, this has been out for fucking three weeks, but I do like it out and not, like, frozen like a block.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In the fridge, bro. What are you talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, here's the thing. If you're like, we're going to consume this. No, no, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I could go in there feel like I didn't sleep well and whatever and have a great lift and then I would have great Feeling days and have bad lifts Did you do you feel like that was stand-up sometimes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at this one. Yeah. It says, yes, fresh eggs should be kept in the refrigerator, especially if they are washed as refrigeration helps slow down bacterial growth and keeps them fresh for longer. Did you just say milk?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yes. So wait, the girls keep it out? They like it out?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you know, this reminds me of when I lived in Spain. I lived with an old lady in Madrid. And when... This is what she would do. And I was like, oh my God. So she would make... coffee in the morning, old traditional style, like the filter, you pour the grinds in, and you press start, and it fills up the pot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you have your cup of coffee, and she has a cup of coffee, and there's another exchange student. You're like, okay. And then at the end of the day, I'm going back to my room, and I walk by, and she would leave the coffee from that day in the coffee pot and then the next day brew fresh coffee on the old coffee, right? And you're like, this is bitter as shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
that's interesting yeah kind of I know especially you know the first time you tour on a big scale like for me that would have been I don't know probably like 2016 or 17 so I'm like going into theaters and you would clock like oh I'm in I'm just making it up but like I'm in Madison the show was great And then you go, so Madison only has great shows. Like that's the, your brain registers it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I bring it up one time, but I have to do it in a polite way. I'm like, oh, this is the, she's like, yeah, it's fine. You don't need to pour that out. So I used to pour it out in the sink when it was late so that it would be completely empty. And then I was like, oh, I guess we finished it yesterday because I thought it was so bitter. Because it was old coffee. Does old coffee get bitter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To me, it tasted sour. Because it was sitting the rest of that day into the next day. It's sitting out for over 24 hours. It's like, you're brewing coffee anyway. Why are you mixing? She didn't want to waste this much coffee that's in the...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You can, but I do think it doesn't taste as fresh. Really? I think you can know. If you're like, I'd have to have, you'd have it. You'd be fine. But the preference is always for a fresh one. You wouldn't want a fresh one?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is this a guy that was friends with... Ellis and Jason and Tony Hawk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, wait. You mean like known comedian?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's super sad, 38.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I could tell. Wait, so tell me, are you getting fresh beans for your coffee? Is that why it's so interesting?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. But I'm happy that you're never going out for coffee anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, that was his financial advice every time I saw him for like 15 years. Really? Yeah. Stop going to buy coffee. Which, I mean, it wasn't, like, bad. It was just, like, he was, like, do the math. Like, you know, you spend five bucks, whatever, six days a week. I'm like, just fuck it. I'm just getting a coffee, man. He's like, oh, you know, $30 a week times $4, $120 a month.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a thousand. I'm like, what the fuck, man? And then you're like, okay, I'll stop buying coffee. I'm not. I'm not going to stop. But I would just be like, no, I didn't buy one today. So do you make a coffee before you go and get coffee? Sometimes I have an espresso at the house before I leave and I buy the nitro. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you go to indie, the show sucked. You're like, so indie sucks. And you come through the next time and you're like, so Madison will be great. And it's not great. And you're like, what the fuck? And then indie is great. And you're like, oh, this is totally an inverse of what I thought. And then the more you tour, you realize that, that every night it can go any which way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know why that happened? Why? This was like 10 years ago. We were looking for a house, and on a house tour, like the realtor showing us the house, They were like, oh, and then there's this here in the master. It was a house we didn't end up getting, but they had a coffee station in the bedroom. And she was like, what the fuck am I doing? I was like, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She was like, yeah, why go to the kitchen? She's like, it should be right here in the bedroom. And ever since that tour that day,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
every place we've ever lived there's a coffee station in the bedroom so in the mornings she wakes up makes two coffees puts one on my nightstand sits in bed drinks coffee like and doesn't leave doesn't have to like leave to get it she loves that it's right there yeah makes her happy
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The old lady I lived with in Spain. Every time. I don't feel well today. Same thing was said. Yeah, there's Truman.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There are certain indicators, like I feel like small indicators, they're not 100%, but for me, I always check out before, like when the show's about to begin, I get on the VOG for the Voice of God mic for the comic that's gonna go on stage for it. And when that thing goes on, like the lights have been turned off If the lights turn off and they're just like silence, you're like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it's a good one it's like yeah and it goes you don't feel it really but it loosens you up and then kind of just starts your day yeah that was um this was the Spaniards uh like recommendation for if I was like I'm not feeling well she would always say whiskey like have a have a glass of whiskey I'm like I'm I don't feel good she was like have whiskey and then go take a siesta I was like okay so that was like always yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I mean, it got so dialed in when I was there. What I would say is probably, you know, pretty proficient, like fluent by a lot of people's scale. But I did six months there and I went to the University of Madrid and I took like comparative economics.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, at University of Madrid. And I'm not in a class for Americans, like Spanish classes. So I had to do term papers, you know, art history, like I said, comparative economics, you know, all these like college level courses. When I got back from there, that was the highest level of fluency that I've ever had.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because you realize with things that, like anything, if you're playing guitars, if I was like, oh, we're playing three hours a day for six months, you're like, yeah, when that was done, that was the best I was ever, it was like that. I'm still fairly proficient in Spanish, but I remember getting back and correcting. I'd speak to my mom, and I'm like, you just misspoke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I would tell her what she said wrong. Really? Yeah, because by month three, I started to dream in Spanish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and and i would no longer answer the phone hello you know everything just became you're just so immersed and and and the truth is like you know spain's a very it's a modern place but i mean a lot of people a lot of people that i met spoke little to no english so it just forces you and that's the best way to get proficient in a language is to be immersed with people who can't even
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, for sure. I mean, and I have a weird accent because what happened was that like I was raised by a Peruvian. I spent the most time in Peru as a kid. Then I spend six months of my life still kind of developed. I mean, like 20 years old in Spain. Then I get back and I'm with mostly like South American people. But then I moved to L.A.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
for 20 years, and most of the Spanish that I hear is Mexican. So I have words from all three. Like, I have slang from all three cultures.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, like, I think among Spanish speakers, they like a lot of Spanish speakers. The way that it works is like Spain is England. Mexico is actually this region's kind of head of state. Like the Spanish that is spoken in Mexico, they have like the Spanish accent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
laws of like the way you speak even though every country will end up doing what they want to do have their own slang and everything there's like an official way of speaking that also comes from mexico they're also like the they're the cultural guide for this part of the world like it's the biggest most influential mexico economy mexico is mexico is kind of like mexico is kind of like you know how here people go i'm going to go to new york to make it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And then you go like, hey, you know, fucking Memphis, how are you guys feeling tonight? And it's just like a smattering of applause. You're like, are there people out there? Yeah. And it's just like it's one of those things where you go, oh, that feels like that might inform what this next hour and a half is going to be like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you're in Latin America, you can go to Mexico to make it. Really? Yeah, because they have the most influence on this part of the world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
specifically their own thing. So they have... But is there any relation to white? I'm trying to think. So here's the details of it. Argentina has a huge, huge Italian and Spanish population. They have a much smaller indigenous population than other South American countries. And they have their own way of speaking. Their accent is so distinct.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
that when they speak, it's like when you go, oh, you're from Boston. When they speak, you don't go like, uh, I wonder if you know that they're Argentine. It's very strong. Yeah, yeah, the whole way of like, I mean, they pronounce, everybody in Spanish says, you know, E-L-L-O-S is ellos, right? And then they say ellos, right? So they have a completely, you're like, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not water, you know, it's water. So it's like their, it's their whole distinct way of speaking. And, and that, so it just really stands out, right? I think if you're looking for like rednecks, the rednecks of Spanish speaking world are Caribbean countries for sure. Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Cuba.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They eat their – yeah. They say in Spanish, they say – it translates to they eat their S's, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like – Instead of ellos, they would be like ello. But, like, they're saying the S, but it's, like, not pronounced. They eat their S's. They eat their S's, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You guys are the shit-kicking fucking country bum fucks of the Spanish-speaking world, and you fucking know it. Cut the bullshit. All right, keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, do you think you could tell? That sounds very Dominican.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go ahead. Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know conversely like when you hear lights go off and they go and you're like how you guys doing and they go you're like oh shit we got a live one here i would say it's pretty like it pretty much informs how that night's gonna go to a degree but it's just not a hundred percent you can sometimes still have it go oh i thought it was gonna be shitty because of that and it was good or i thought they were gonna be
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. I know Anna Damaris was, but I'm talking specifically, was Zoe Saldana in a Bond movie? She wasn't in a Bond movie?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. I'm just curious. Okay. It must have been another attractive woman. Go ahead.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, what's the scandal? I don't understand. What does that news article say? Like, that you had up first. Said that... Apologize. Okay, so what is the thing here? After taking home the Oscars for... For... For best supporting actress, Amelia Perez star Zoe Saldana responded to criticism of the film's portrayal of Mexico after a journalist shared that it had been really hurtful for Mexicans.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
First of all, I'm very, very sorry that Mexicans felt offended. That was never our intention. We spoke from a place of love.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
don't share your opinion for me the heart of this movie was not Mexico making a film about friendship we're making a film about four women she continued these women could have been Russian could have been Dominican could have been black from Detroit could have been from Israel could have been from Gaza and these women are still very universal women that are struggling every day with trying to survive systemic oppression and trying to find the most authentic voices so I will stand by that but I'm also always open to sit down with all my Mexican brothers and sisters and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
with love and respect to have a conversation about how Amelia Perez could have been done better. I welcome it. I mean, that seems like a pretty diplomatic answer. I thought she said, bitch. And you said, she was like, bitch, I don't give a fuck what you think.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so I'm just wondering, just looking at all this stuff, is it just me and my own interests and age changing, or do people care less about Oscars now? Like doesn't it feel like it's not as – you live in L.A., so it's different. But I just feel like nobody really registers them that much anymore. Is that my own – am I wrong?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I think they're just not making... I mean, it's cool that they can get an Oscar nomination even, but I just feel like the whole thing happens now and I'm like, oh. I feel like maybe that's my own interest shifting, but I feel like it used to be such a big... In my mind, it was a bigger cultural event.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
great and it was kind of you know flatter but i do feel like paying attention to how they react to like the first time they're hearing you know oh the show is starting it's a big indicator i mean i don't know if you had it on your last i also had i was thinking about this week shows that i was like man i don't understand how that was such a bad show like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It grossed $38 million worldwide. $38 million?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, for sure. It's not crazy numbers. What were all the Oscar-nominated Best Picture nominations? Okay, so Anora wins, Amelia Perez was one, A Complete Unknown, Conclave, Nickel Boys, I'm Still Here, The Substance, Dune Part II, Wicked, The Brutalist. Dune Part II is a badass movie. Right, well, that's a big blockbuster type of movie. Yeah, and so is Wicked. That's a $300 million movie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, that's a big, big, big movie too. The other ones, they're not like huge, huge films, but yeah. I thought The Brutalist was out of Boxer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
look at the look at these seven of the ten best picture nominees grossed less than 100 million the only exception is being wicked which you mentioned dune part two and a complete unknown which one is a complete unknown again it's uh it's oh the bob dylan one right right right oh that's bob dylan oh yeah my kids went and saw that i heard he's amazing in it but yeah tillman c chalamet is just i think he's a i like that kid a lot
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I like him too. I don't give a shit. I couldn't give two shits less about anybody than Bob Dylan. So I just have zero interest in seeing this. I don't give a fuck what he does in this thing. I don't care. I have no interest in Bob Dylan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bob Dylan. Because I don't know who Amelia Perez is yet. So yeah, Bob Dylan is the absolute fucking least important human being to me on earth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I guess you don't go, I don't understand how it's so good. Because sometimes it's so good and you go, well, that's the best. It's so good that you go, that was the best. But it's also just a roll of the dice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'd rather watch Mussolini take a shit than watch Bob Dylan sing a song.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like it, dude. I like it. Thank you guys for watching and listening, and we'll see you next time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to care, but you can't be, like, high pressure on it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe a little bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think only because it's not that it's MSG for me. It's that in New York, I never feel like the – New York and L.A. crowds to me are a little more kind of judgy and a little like I'm not impressed, just so you know, is how they kind of feel. And so that's the part that kind of makes me like, oh, are they going to be –
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not that I'm in this space, even though I have great admiration for MSG, it's just that I go, what kind of crowd's showing up? Because I've had New York shows where you're like, what the fuck was that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
welcome to another episode of two bears one cave i'm here with my buddy bertrand the strongest comedian living this the strongest living comedian am i the strongest comedian am i the strongest comedian i don't know that's a good question top five top ten
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just saw him with you in Chicago. He got such a pop when he went up there. Really? I told him. I was like, hey, you might have to calm yourself down. He was like, really? I go, well, yeah, because you're a surprise guest. This audience knows you. So when they hear you get announced and you pop up, I go, they're going to go crazy. And they did. They went nuts. Yeah. It was awesome to watch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he was... He had a great set. It was so fun. But it was fucking lit there, dude. It was like we're about just a hair under 17,000 people. And they were like, I mean, it's Chicago. Like they were energetic. And like he, yeah, he had a great set. I had the most fun doing that show. And he had a seizure in that show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm working the round, so I'm working it. You don't just stay planted, which is the different thing. You're here, and then you walk over here, and then you walk. So at first, I just see some people standing in this area, but you also see people trying to get to their seats. You can't acknowledge everything, right? So I make another loop on my second loop around... I go, what's going on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, she's having a seizure. And I go, oh, Jesus. I go, hey, do you want the lights on? Because that's more important.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow, less than 10%. Less than 10%. Only a small percentage. Less than 10% can bench 310 pounds. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, you want to light her up? Because that's more important than what I'm doing. And and then the guy goes, no, we're good. I go, OK. And then I just see like medical personnel. I'm like, I think I should just hold a beat while you guys do this. It's kind of weird to keep going. And then they like they put her in a stretcher and they they like wheeled her out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I saw the people around her sit down and I go, hey, do you want to leave with her? Because like that's kind of and they're like, oh, we're not with her. I was like, oh, OK, well.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
uh i hope she lives and then everyone was like oh i'm like well i mean what do you mean to say like i don't we did a hail mary as a as an arena for her and then i realized oh the prayer the prayer yeah yeah i didn't throw a ball to her i just i was like we just i was like well you did a whole mary you did a hail mary and then i was like i think i up because i thought i think she may have had a hijab on so then i just prayed to allah also
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
but fuck yeah yeah but i mean yeah i think i think she's uh okay i don't know who she could not be okay i didn't i didn't understand what happened after i uh i had an interesting moment when i saw that picture that we have up right now that's you in chicago
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, now I see why you want to go on the road. Don't you feel like, You had a much needed break. Don't you think this has been good for you, though, too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Less than 10%. I think it's 0.01.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, then also maybe try not to get yourself in that same place again, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got kind of fascinated by it. That's kind of a cool thing. You know what I was going to do? What did Escobar wear? Dude, that's the gangsters. You got to find out what the gangsters wore. Yeah. I could not find out what Cologne Hitler wore. Yeah. Not that I was looking to buy it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It has Snoop Dogg. He wears cool water, doesn't he? Well, in 93 he did, but I don't know about now. He smells good. I got some Tom Ford cologne because I had to go to a Sebastian show. So I was like, I'm going to go buy cologne. Put on some Sebastian.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I don't want to be the only one without cologne. Sure. That arena fucking smelled good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a blend of just all the scents.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was a while ago. And I went up to Sebastian and I was like, hey. He was like, what? And I was like, smell me. He was like, huh? I go, I brought cologne for you. He was like, huh? I go, I wore cologne for you because it's your show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was like, what are you talking about, Bert?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was like, you brought cologne for my show?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For me? I'm not going to smell you, Bert.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe I'll stay at Charo's house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was thinking about moving to Austin for a month. They have an extra room. I was looking at... I was like either... Do they really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think you'd enjoy that. I'll move in with Charo and we'll do a reality series.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my dad. My dad doesn't. No one gets me. Like, no one understands me. I don't even understand myself. I had like a moment where I said to Leanne, I was like, am I a narcissist? I said this in Paris. And she was like, no, you're not a narcissist. I go, would a narcissist know it, though? Like, does a narcissist go like, no, I'm not a fucking narcissist. Or they go, yeah, I'm a narcissist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They wouldn't question it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wonder what I have.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like I said, Leanne got... got mad at me today when we walked out of couples therapy. And I said, I said, that was a tie. And she went, we can't look at therapy that way. And I was like, I have to like, and I, and I honestly, if I had shut my, I knew I could have, why do you have to see it that way? I don't know. I just, it makes it fun for me. Did you enjoy it? Uh, yeah, today I did.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You want to start it, Bert?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But she said, I have such a fucking dysfunctional brain. Our therapist said, you know, just give me a heads up if you ever say that you're going to harm yourself, you're going to do drugs, you know, and kill yourself or do, you know, I've got to report you. And then I was like, all right, how do I slide some of this in? Just how close can I get to the fucking, to the fire? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it was a good one. Therapy today was a good one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go slow, go slow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone shut the fuck up, okay? Okay, I might have that. Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. All right. Keep going. I got that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, give me an example.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I got that. I got that. I got that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, do you mean like taking pictures of my dick and posting it on Instagram? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I have a hard time. I have a hard time. I have a hard time maintaining relationships. Do you believe sometimes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I think so. And then I have a hard time replying to people and I don't text people back or I don't reach out to people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on. You know I got that. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Uh-oh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I've been with the same chick for fucking 20 years and she's just gotten older.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, I got that. I'm drinking right now because I'm frustrated.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I got HPV?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Histrionic personality disorder.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Give me some famous people with histrionics.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like who else am I like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So Kim K and I are the same. You guys are the same. I wonder if we could be friends or if we just like fucking drive each other nuts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They say Miley Cyrus has a very obvious case of it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So is it just people like, see, here's the thing I have a hard time with, okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Anna Nicole Smith.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Some have assumed that Megan Fox has HBD based on her symptoms. It's all hot chicks. I'm a hot chick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I want treatment. I like me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Look, I was saying to Leanne, I was like, I don't... Because I can't understand, like... I never really understood, like, I asked Ari a question on the podcast we did with him, and I was like, what do you hope to gain out of this special? There's Jews coming out on Netflix, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
America's Sweetheart is really great, and it's beautiful. But I'm curious, because Ari has always said he doesn't want fame, he doesn't want money. So it's like I've always been honest with what I wanted. Like I want people to watch my special Lucky coming out March 18th. I want people to watch it. I want people to watch it because I want to continue doing stand-up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I want to – I hope to make money while I do stand-up. And I want to travel the world doing stand-up. And I like being on stage. I do like being the center of attention. But I understand the person – like yourself, you don't like being the center of attention. But you have a draw to get on stage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so how can you... I would think it would go hand in hand. That if you want to be the center of attention, then... I can't wrap my head around that, because I think my whole thing is based around... Like being on stage and being on stage. Like always being on stage, always being... But that's the difference.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's so interesting to me because I can't imagine, I can't see the juxtaposition, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just see it never turns off. It's never off. It was kind of interesting, and this is going to sound, whatever it's going to sound like, it is truth, is I got recognized maybe four times in France. And it was kind of cool. It hadn't happened in a while to know that no one's watching you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like it was kind of cool to go somewhere and then you could just – and like no one gave a fuck about you and no one was staring at you. But it kind of bothers you too. No, it didn't bother me. You know what was funny? I don't know. I get recognized a lot. Like I think probably more than other people. I don't know why. I think it's because I'm loud and I care.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm a big guy and I talk loud and I fill a room. Your energy is also like – Look at me. A little bit. A little bit. And – I saw guys like in the States, I can see, I see, if I see a guy, I go, that guy's going to recognize me. Like I can see that there's a body type clothing type where you go, this guy's going to recognize me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, ah, fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I would see those, I would see the type of guy that should recognize me, not recognize me. And it was kind of like caught me off guard. The first day, I'd be like, oh, fucking big guy in shorts and cold weather with a fucking hoodie on, beard. He's about to say something. He's about to say, oh, the machine. Yeah, yeah. And never quit drinking. And he just walked right by me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, wait, did you want to? I'd walk by him a second time and be like, sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you know, I think there's a subset of people that find that shameful. They're like, that's kind of gross. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's not gross. I can't wrap my head around the fact that people would see that as gross. I go, yeah, but I got on stage. Like you saw me that I got on stage. You saw that I wanted you to pay attention to me there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think it's the same part of my personality disorder, the HPV, that I got where I go – yeah, no, it's like – Sounds like you're coming to terms with it. You know, Ari said, you always make it about yourself. And Tom, I couldn't understand what that, I don't know what that sentence means. Really? I really don't, and I don't know how I do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I said it to Leanne in Paris we were having, and I said, do I make things about myself? She goes, yeah. And I said, but doesn't everyone? And she goes, no. And I was like, but wait, when do I do it? She goes, you're doing it right now. She was like, we're at dinner and you're saying, do you make things about, you're making this about yourself? I was like, wait, but I'm so confused.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I actually was going to, because Joe's said it to me before. Joe's said it to me before on a podcast. Ari said it to me the other day. So I was like, in my head, I was like, I wonder if they've talked about it behind my back. And I was like, I might ask my friends to tell me when I'm doing it. Because if it bothers people, I want to stop.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know what that means. I don't understand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just did that to you. Sure, when? Right now? You said, it's so funny. It's such a natural part of my personality. It is. It's part of your personality. You told me about your radial nerve damage and I immediately told you about me going to the dentist. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know. I consider that talking. I know you do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what are you supposed to do? You're supposed to just go like, that's cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do it again. Tell me another story and I'm going to make it not about me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tell me a story. I did it when you said your kids... I don't even know I'm doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's not good for stand-up, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That would make me fucking crazy. He was reading about it. I don't have your ability to go to the doctor the way you do. You like going to the doctor and to the dentist and stuff like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tell me a story. Tell me a story. Okay. Hold on. So wait. Okay. I'm going to start and I'll just ask you a question.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
so um i saw the oh i saw god damn it you can say that yeah okay i saw the clip of charro on my god this morning oh my god on uh how's it been having her in uh austin because i'm so curious it's she is it's yeah man she's one of a kind um she's hilarious she's a handful
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so that was really good. That was good. Okay, we're done with your story. So let me explain to you what happens when I'm listening. Because now when you say, I fucking do not listen to people. Yeah. I am not, okay. I think I figured out how to do this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. I hear things you say, and I think, and I immediately internalize it about how have I experienced something like that. Yeah. So you said my mom ate edibles and had three glasses of red wine. And as I'm listening, I'm going to tell you everything you said as you said it, what I thought. I said, God, man, I think it would be fun living with Charo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then you said, my mom only drinks decaf coffee. And I said, I hate decaf coffee, but I can't drink a lot of coffee. And you said she had five cups of regular coffee. And then I wanted to tell you about the time that I had five espresso shots and threw up all night. And then you said...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you said the last thing you said about her and I was like, and I wanted to tell you about her eating edibles. Then I wanted to tell you about the story of when my dad ate edibles recently and go like, what's going on with our parents that they're eating edibles now at the age? Is it about depression or whatever?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So when I hear a story, when someone talks to me, I internalize it of like a throwback almost. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because I don't – I can't – I'm not comfortable being in a car with a stranger because I'm not comfortable with silence. Silence makes me very uncomfortable. Holy shit. So, like, when we were in Paris, Pete... My Peter, Peter set me up with a trainer because we're doing the bench press competition. Sent me with a trainer at the Louvre. At the art museum?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Have you gotten the CAT scan where they check to see how much blockage you have?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, yeah, it's the Louvre, like not Planet Fitness, but the Louvre. It's, what do they call like, cross trainer, CrossFit Louvre. Okay. And I had, I mean, I was, I had horrible anxiety about the idea that I had to be with someone I didn't know for about an hour. Really? Oh, it was dude who kept me up. It kept me up at night and it made me sick in the morning. And I was like, fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, guys. Fuck. I just fucked it up already.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they texted, are you coming in at noon? And I was like, oh my God, I was having so much panic about it. And then how did it go? It was great, but man, I fucking talked. That guy did not say one goddamn word. I talked the whole fucking time because I'm so nervous about silence. It makes me so anxious.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I do talk a lot. But I talk a lot because I think silence makes me uncomfortable. And if I can be silent around you, that means I really like you. So you can be silent. Around you and around Leanne. And the kids. My kids I can be silent around. Not everyone. I can be silent around Peter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I feel like they wanted to have a conversation, and I just didn't deliver. I've said this to you. I've always admired how you can not talk to people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
CT scan?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know, I had a friend one time, I won't say his name, but he was a friend. I mean, I lived with him at one point and we moved to LA together, like around the same time he moved out. Yeah. Same time. And we were on the beach in LA and he said, yeah, my brother's coming out here. And I said, you have a brother? And he goes, you've known me for five years. You didn't know I had a brother?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I went to the dentist. I had a lump in my mouth. it was pretty scary like a legit like a legit lump like uh and oh yeah uh yeah you start questioning all the decisions you've made and what happened nothing uh the day i go it disappeared the day i'm going
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, well, you never talked about him. He goes, no, you never let me talk about him. Wow. And I was like, oh, yeah, I never asked any questions. His brother was a bodybuilder. And I was like, wait, you have a brother who's a bodybuilder? It's five years in. Five years. Probably more. And I realized I don't do that. I just don't. And then sometimes I like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, it wasn't Lorenzo. Okay. Lorenzo was like me. Lorenzo couldn't shut up either.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. He was in a good way, but we were both the same kind of like just nervous. It's like nervous. I don't know. I know mine has to do with social anxiety. To be fair to you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's also, it also has to do with, wait, hold on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I wish I could. I remember when I first got in the business, my manager at the time, Barry Katz, said, get information, don't give it. And I got a development deal for like, I don't know, like $100,000 or something, maybe a little more. And he said, do not tell anyone that you got a development deal and don't tell anyone how much money it was. And I was like, really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He goes, get information. Do not give it. These comics will not like you if they find out that you made $125,000 or whatever on a development deal with Will Smith. Trust me. And I couldn't understand that someone wasn't rooting for someone. Like, I couldn't get it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the very first person that came up, as I still work the door at the Boston Comedy Club, the very first person that came up was Patrice O'Neill. And he said, I heard you got a deal. And I said, nah. And he goes, yeah, you got a deal. And I said, yeah, I did. And I was like, fuck, I shouldn't have said that. And he goes, how much? And I go, eh. And he goes, 100,000? And I went, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I went, yeah. And he just walked away. And I was like, goddammit, I did everything Barry said not to do. I did it so quickly. Yeah, I can't keep my mouth shut. Yeah, this is not new. I know, but it's new to me. How is it new to you? I don't realize I'm doing it. You have to recognize you're doing it. No, I'm recognizing now that I'm doing it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I didn't realize, like when Ari said you make everything about yourself, I was so confused. I was so confused by that statement.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I don't listen to her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is this why it was a tie? No, dude, I go in with a game plan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're like, I'm going to win today. Dude, we didn't have anything to talk about today. And I was like, I'll bring up a fight that I won. Put her in the weeds. Yeah. Leanne got on her heels a little bit. And then I was like, ah, I'll get her out. I'll walk out with a tie on this one. Yeah. You were okay with that? Yeah. And we're doing in-person therapy, which I've never fucking done. Productive.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it just goes away and i was like okay so do i not bring it up because i know it's been there for a while do i not bring it up or do i bring it up and just go you know and it's gone so i go in because i you know i had a tooth fall out wait recently i yeah i had what do you mean fall out like you were just talking and then a tooth bounced off your tongue no i was eating something and it came out it was a crown well i know it wasn't an apple what were you eating
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ugh. I don't even think, I don't think the, I just had a hint today that the therapist may not own the house we go to therapy in. Like rents out the space? Rents out the backspace as an office. That's not unheard of, though. But I need to profile my therapist a little more. You don't like that? No. Okay. Okay, maybe this goes into my HPB or whatever. If I go to your house, I Zillow it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If I go to anyone's house, I Zillow it. And so I Zillow the house and I was like, this is nice. Like this, you know, this is, so in my head I go, we got a good therapist. They got a nice house, nice area town. Yeah. And I was like, nice. And then we went to therapy. I hope my therapist doesn't hear this. No way they could. And then, and we'd go to therapy is like our second one at their house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And as I'm leaving the back house, we come out. The front door opens and I hear a woman's voice and I go, it's too quick for my therapist to get from that room to that room. Who the fuck is this? And then I was like, oh, what a slick move as a therapist. Ran out a back house in a nice house. Everyone's going to think you're a good therapist. Oh, I see. Yeah. I do too much math.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think I could have been like a work for the CIA. I don't think that would be a thing. I could have totally. No, I don't think so.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like if someone sends, someone goes, hey man, I want to send you a, whatchamacallit. Or hey, can you, like someone, someone just said this to me. Okay, send it to this address, right? And so I was like, sure. And then I Zillowed it, and I was like, nice. And then sometimes people go, hey, send me your address so I can mail you something, and I'll send them the Zillow link to my house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cut it in half, man. I know you're going to Zillow it. Here you go. Are you serious? Fuck yeah. I'll send you the Zillow to my house. You're like, it's doing all right. Check this out. The first time I ever did it, To anyone. I did it as a joke. Not as a joke, but someone said, hey, what's your address? It was when we were back at. And I was like, dot, dot, dot, dot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I go, I paid 520 for it. I just wrote that in the thing. So I was like, I'll save you. And then I just started sending the Zillow link.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Such a remarkable pee. I had roughly one, two. So I had roughly 160 snails while I was in France. Wait, what did you do? I mean, I was rude to people. Is that cultural? That's sort of, yeah. No, we went to, first day we went to, we went to the Eiffel Tower. Okay. We went to the Notre Dame. Okay, that's, yeah, that's cultural, touristy stuff. And then we walked to the Arc de Triomphe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that's pretty much it. Went down the Champs-Élysées. And we walked to the Louvre. We didn't go in the Louvre. So chaotic. I have no fucking interest in art. I'd much rather walk around the outside of the Louvre. It's so beautiful, that palace. Because I don't know. Nature for me is more impressive than art. Have you been to France? Yeah. What did you do when you went to Paris?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think sushi is nothing. Sushi. And so I had to get the crown put back in. And, you know, I don't trust white dentists. I only go to, like, Peruvian dentists. I did not know this. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, because white ones always try to upsell you because they get a boat. Peruvian one is just happy that he can do dentistry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw the Mona Lisa when I was in college. I saw the Mona Lisa and I was not impressed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I was like, eh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Pull up a picture of the Mona Lisa while you guys are telling me this. Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I don't... What is the... I mean, why is that such a good painting? I can't understand how that is better than Thomas Kinkade. You know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like when people said the movie that Kevin Spacey was in, Where the Bag Was Flying. Where the Bag Was Flying? And Wes...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
uh american beauty american beauty everyone's like this is the greatest movie ever and i was like it was okay but it's like i didn't think it was better than like caddyshack you know like like yeah like other movies came out that year that i was like i think that's better like i i think that year i want to say that like i thought i i'll say really honestly i think uh the butterfly effect is better than uh that one really yeah i mean i i like time travel movies though
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But like, I never, I just, it's sometimes it's like they go, this is the great, like you look at the Oscar or the Golden Globes the other day. And I was like. I was like, I didn't see any of those movies.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I told him about the lump, and he was like, all right, let's do an x-ray, see if it's cancer. And I was like, fuck. And then they do the x-ray. He didn't say, let's do the x-ray and see if it's cancer. But he's like, let's do the x-ray. We'll look around. He comes back and he was like, yeah. When was the last time you had your teeth cleaned? And I was like, oh, it's been a while.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I wish I'd had a guide with me on our tour in France. I think it would have been more fun because I just was with Leanne. And I mean, I love Leanne. I don't know what I'm going to say is going to sound shitty, but she really is like a country bumpkin. And she walks into a place, she goes, oh my God, what's this? And I'm like, shh, keep it down.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She walked in, we walked out to the outside of the Louvre. I think the palace was Louis XV's palace or something. And she's like, oh my God, whose is it? What is this? I don't even know what this is. What am I looking at right now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
is them pyramids and i'm like hey keep it like i wish i had a guide and then i go babe i don't you don't think i have you think i have the answer i go you can google it just as easily as i can we walked up to notre dame and she goes how old is this what are those statues and i was like google it google it fucking google it and don't yell it out loud everyone's we're gonna get pickpocketed by a goddamn fucking gypsy because you're fucking letting everyone know we're not nat and we're not locals and then we walked through the notre dame and the whole time she's like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that Jesus? And I was like, I'm sure it is. It's a fucking church. Yeah, we're in church right now. I'm guaranteed a couple of them are Jesus, yeah. How did this catch on fire? What's old? What's new? I don't understand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This isn't real. It's a trick. And we're like, none of us thought he was magically in. That was her whole, the whole time in Paris. She'd be like, what is this? How old is this? This is crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no. That's why I took her. Oh, she'd never been to Paris. So I bought her for Christmas present. I bought her, uh, I bought her, uh, the trip to Paris. And then the week before Tom, I had decided, by the way, no, I did get her a track suit. Oh, I did. Hey, did you get your present yet? No. Hasn't arrived? Okay, you're going to love it. You're going to love it. Okay, cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And by the way, I'm noticing when I'm doing it, and I'm trying to stop doing it, okay? Okay. Like I'm noticing it. Hey, do you think Bobby's got the same thing I have? Bobby Lee? Yeah, Bobby Lee doesn't listen.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think he has multiple disorders, but I don't know. Nope. So the week before we went to Paris, I decided to get off social media, 100%. Didn't get on Instagram once. Not once. Not one time. When you were there? No, hold on. Oh, the week before. So like the week before. And then...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As we were getting ready to get, as we were getting in the car to go to Paris, I was like, you know, I'm going to check social media. I haven't been on it. And I checked it a little bit. And then we got on the plane and I was like, that's cool, man. I've been off social media for like five days or maybe four days. And I was like really happy. And then I said, you know what? We're in Paris.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm allowed to eat bread and I can be on social media. Tom, it's like, you know, when people diet and then they gain more weight than they normally had. I had 16 hours of screen time one time, one day. I was on my phone. The whole day. I would fucking, I was on the Eiffel Tower and I'd just find myself getting on Instagram. I'm in the Eiffel Tower and I'm just like getting on Instagram to scroll.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Looking at stuff, yeah. Looking at stuff. And it's like, it's a fucking illness. I think it's so bad. I really think, can I tell you, I had this insight that like, do you remember A Clockwork Orange where they, in order to brainwash him, they keep his eyes open and then they show him different images? They've got me doing it to myself. I'm doing it to myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Leanne was there. And I don't tell the truth truth. I go, it's been a little bit. And Leanne goes, it's been 20 years. And he goes, let's get your teeth cleaned. And he's like, we can do it right now. And I was like, no, I got a really busy day. We can do it later. And Leanne's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? So I'm doing it in like late February. You put it off? I put it off. Why?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm doing a Clockwork Orange to myself. I'm just scrolling and going like, I'm finding people interesting that have 70 followers. There's 70 followers. They've got no, they're not. And you follow them? And I just, yeah, and I follow them. I'm like, that fucking, it's fascinating. That woman is cutting out sugar. She's three days in. She's shaking. This is an amazing story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I sent a guy to you today. That I was like, can I tell you why I sent you that guy? Did you get that guy? I don't think so. I sent you a link to a guy. And I'll tell you his name. Because I was so amazed at how much positive feedback. Oh, his name's Igor. It's Igor Chidovskinov. And it's like a thing of him with a loaf of bread drinking milk. No, I saw this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the comments, 7,000 comments, 350,000 views, and they're all positive. And you're like, what the fuck? How does this guy get so much love on the internet? I'll tell you what. I'm going back into my comments. I'm going to start reading comments again.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's how bad I've been on the internet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I've stopped reading comments because I was afraid I'd see a bad one. And then I was like, I see bad ones anyway. I don't even need to be on the internet and I'll see a bad one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How does that happen?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go to the fucking... This happened the other day. Not the other day. It was actually a while ago. But I go to this... the heart button, you know, and I go to hit the heart to see, you know, if like anything. And one of the comments was a negative comment. I'm like, God damn it. I'm not even in the comments. So then I was like, fuck it. I'm reading comments again. I'm going back to comments.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm getting back on the internet full blown. I'm fucking, I'm like, I'm done, man. I'm done. I want the quickening. I want the quickening. I want it over now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The Chinese can have my brain. I'll do whatever they want. What? Just give me my tick tock. Okay. You sound like manic. I know. I'm coming to a lot of realizations about myself. It's crazy that at 52 I'd start. What's the other realization? Well, the realization that I got HPB. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The realization that I do pretty much make everything about myself and that I didn't even know I did it and I didn't even know how to stop it. Well, I think awareness is a big first step. The fact that I'm wildly nervous that a conversation will end. All I do is think of how to perpetuate a conversation, like how to keep it going. Yeah, that makes sense.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's almost like keeping a balloon in the air. Yeah, that sounds like you. Yeah. So I'm changing. I'm pulling over a new leaf. No. You'll be shocked. Okay. You'll be shocked. I'll be shocked. I think you're going to be blown away by the new bird. You think so? Yeah. You know what I did the other day? I bought 1,000 pennies, and I'm just throwing around the city.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So people see a penny, and they go, ah, good luck. And then it's like just a little treat for everyone. I'm throwing them everywhere. I just throw them out the car windows. Just throw them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If I put them in front of people's cars, I throw them in front of people's cars.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just throw them. Yeah. How many dollars do you think 1,000 pennies is?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought it was going to be $100. I go, get me 1,000 pennies. And they're like, really? And I was like, I don't care how much it is. And it was $10. And this is how fucking, this is whatever's broken with my brain, is I know there's really expensive pennies out there. So then I got a penny, a coin app, and I scan every penny before I throw it out the window to see if it's worth anything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The most expensive penny I've gotten is worth $0.29. But I can't imagine someone would give me $0.29 for that penny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it was a fairly recent penny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You would keep that one, right? There's one I saw on the app that was worth $7,000. Wow. So I was like, well, I'm not going to. What's so special about it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like a buffalo penny. You got a buffalo on it. It's a really valuable penny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whatever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got one from 1983 and I thought it was going to be worth a lot of money because it's 1983 and they're like, nah, they made six million of these. They're all over the place.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Is it the one with the buffalo on it? Oh, man. Let's see. So yeah, so I'm going to go through and what I was thinking about is making Peter go through and scan all my pennies. Uh-huh. Scan a thousand pennies. That's a nice task. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I take pictures of every penny. I have thrown out 50 pennies so far, and I have 50 pictures of 50 pennies. You took pictures of all of them?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to. You have to take a picture of them. For what? On the app.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What am I looking for? What year is that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's a mint mark?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A lot of them in Denver. A lot of them in Denver.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just threw one of those out the window today. Could it be the one? Leanne's like, you're the dumbest person in the world. She was mocking me for throwing pennies out the window.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How did he get mouth cancer?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. When you see a penny and you pick it up, don't you go like, hey, good luck. I'm on my way. That's pretty exciting. How do you sell your penny, though? I don't know. I got one. The most expensive penny I've gotten is worth $0.29. It tells you I got most pennies are worth $0.02. Oh. Here, I'll go to my coin thing. Yeah, this one was worth two cents. Let me see. Oh, look at this one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the same thing as the Mona Lisa. I was watching a TV show on Netflix, and there was a Honus Swagner trading card, and I was like, wow, that's fucking valuable. And Pete was watching it, and he goes, who gives a shit about that? And I go, I would. He was like, yeah, but it's worthless to me. It's the same thing as Bitcoin or Dogecoin or Haktua girl. Haktua coin. What is it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is she going to jail? Haktua coin? Jail? Yeah. Haktua's going to jail, I think. For what? For fraud. Okay. Talk about the way the universe works. Oh, failed crypto launch, yeah. Talk about the way the universe works. Here's what's crazy. This is my Hawk Tua rant, okay? I was thinking about this the other night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I saw it. I saw it. That's fucking... Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She gets famous for basically, for lack of better words, for just being some clueless blonde, some clueless drunk blonde. And people start hating on her. Yeah, it's like, you gotta spit on that thing. And so some street interview gets her famous and people start hating on her because she's famous and they, I don't know why, but she gets famous from it. What's crazy is like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You can't take the kid out of the, the dumb out of the blonde or whatever. You can't. So what happens is someone smarter than her says, how do we take advantage of this kid And that's what they did. They just took advantage of, she just, she's always been what she said she was. Yeah. She's like, yeah, I'm just here to party. I just want to have a good time. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then these guys that are smarter than her go, hey, we can help you. Why don't we help you? You want to launch a coin?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I don't have mouth cancer. Thank God. He did the x-ray. He's like, you're fine. He's like, we just need to clean your teeth. Oh. Oh, motherfucker. That was scary. That's scary. My wife's cousin...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, pass. He probably wants to talk about Juneteenth. Already? Yeah, it's coming up. He's got a big Juneteenth party he's got planned.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you see Elon's thank you from the bottom of my... Yeah, of course I saw. He's just autistic. He's just, even the videos of him just going like, in the thing. He's just, can you imagine how his brain must go all day long? Yeah, he's a weirdo. It's bizarre. All right. We're going to a fancy Hollywood party, me and you, tonight. Okay, let's go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
had uh tongue cancer and they had to take out his tongue and i think they replaced it with like a finger or something a finger not a finger uh thank you yeah yeah i don't need to see that ever again so you can you can take it down uh you can get penis cancer dude come on come on I can't get, I hope I get murdered. I just hope I get murdered. It doesn't have to be that extreme.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'd rather get murdered than have to go through that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would like to feel like I had a chance. Then strangled probably. Strangled. Yeah. Yeah. Not by like – but I want it to be like a fucking savage. Like I want it to be a badass. Dude, I didn't tell you. We went to Paris. Yeah, how was it? It's crazy, because you know what made me think about that? I went for a jog one morning. I love jogging at like 6 a.m. in a foreign city.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I still have my big toe. Dude, I crushed that fucking thing. Did you see the picture of it? Of what thing? My toe. No, I don't even know what you're talking about. My big toe. I crushed it. Oh, I did not know that. Oh, yeah. I was referring to diabetes. No, no, no. What happened? I dropped a fucking whiskey bottle on it. And it broke my big toe and the toe next to it. And they were black.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like my favorite thing in the world to do. It's my favorite thing. So at 6 a.m., it's still dark. It doesn't get dark until like 9, light until 9. So it's dark as shit, and I'm jogging in Paris, and I realize I was scared.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have nothing to be scared of, because they don't have guns. Oh, there's still reasons to be scared in Paris. For real? Yeah. It seemed like there were no homeless people and no racism, which I thought was odd.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because you see, it seems like everyone just gets along.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I asked my bartender, I was like, is there racism here? And he's like, no, not really. We love everyone. This isn't like America. You're obsessed with racism. And I was like, dude, I'm so obsessed with racism. I'm picking out people you should hate. I'm walking down the street going, you can't smell that fucking guy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are some of your relationship green flags? We often hear the term red flags, things we should avoid, but what if we focus more on looking for green flags in friends and partners? God, I love this. I love this. If you're not sure what they look like, therapy can help you identify your green flags.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Actively practice them in your relationship and embody the green flag energy yourself, whether you're dating, you're married, you're building a friendship, or just working on yourself. It's time to form relationships that love you back. I've been talking about this for a very long time. You know, I had a happiness journal and I would identify things that made me happy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And one of the things that made me happy, if I was in bed and I was hungover, I knew that making my daughters breakfast before school gave me happiness. And no matter how hungover I was, I would get out of bed and I would go and make them breakfast. And then all of a sudden my day would turn around. This green flag thing is brilliant. And I learned this in therapy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you're not in therapy, you should. Everyone should be. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists, with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Discover your relationship green flags with BetterHelp.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Visit betterhelp.com slash bears to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This show is sponsored by Acorns. We all know that New Year's resolutions are hard. Everyone wants to go to the gym more, but actually dragging yourself out of the bed in the pitch black every morning is a whole other story. I absolutely hate that. But what if you can make your resolutions automatic? Well, they can't help you get to the gym.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're good now. It happened a couple weeks ago. You can find a picture online, I'm sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But Acorns makes it easy to start saving and investing automatically. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing so your money has a chance to grow for you, your kids, and your retirement. You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that fits you and your goals, your money goals, and you don't need to be rich.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Acorns lets you invest automatically. with spare money that you've got right now. You can start with just $5 or even just your spare change. You do not need a ton of time. You can create an Acorns account and start investing in just five minutes. You don't need to feel like your financial wellness is impossible. Acorns gives you small, simple steps to get you and your money on track.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Basically, Acorns does the hardest part So you can give your money a chance to grow. Everyone in our office uses acorns. It is a no brainer. They make, everyone here has it so they, when they buy something, it rounds it up and that goes right into their acorns. And then you're talking about 75 cents. Every time you use your phone or your card or anything, it's just a no brainer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Head to acorns.com slash bears or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier 3 compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosure at acorns.com slash bears. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what I did though? This is my new thing. Yeah. This is my new thing. Yeah. We go, Leanne liked the lotion she got. I forget the name of the lotion. And so we went to that store. They had one on the France de la Zay? Champs de la Zay? Champs?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so we go to get the lotion and... And the guy goes, do you like cologne? And I was like, no, I don't really wear cologne. And he goes, oh, but let me try some to see how you smell. And I was like, okay, give me something good. And you know what he says? It's like this guy knew me. He goes, do you know Napoleon Bonaparte? I said, yeah. And he goes, would you like his cologne?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, I can buy Napoleon Bonaparte's cologne. And he goes, yes, this was his favorite cologne. This is what he wore. So I bought Napoleon's cologne.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nerve conduction?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's fucking awesome. It is? It's citrusy. Dude, then I went. I get drunk that night. I'm on the balcony, and Leanne's asleep, and I started buying dictator's colognes. Wow. I got Churchill's cologne. I got, who's the writer? Ernest Hemingway's cologne. Those are. I got Stalin's. Dude, you can get everyone. Every dictator had a scent. Well, Hemingway and Churchill were not addicted.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just famous people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, sure. I thought that was fucking, it's such a cool present to buy someone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I bought them, they're all getting delivered.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, George Washington. Can I tell you something crazy? George Washington existed before they knew what dinosaurs were.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They thought they were dragons.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I bought George Washington's.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I bought Elvis's. Elvis's was like a cheap cologne. It was like six bucks, I think.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
2017.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, this is Dean Trumbull for The Mattress Man. Give me a call at 370-0466. This is the porn movie? No, I don't think so. For a limited time only, D&D Mattress has queen mattress sets for $99 and king sets for $129. Oh. Shit. Oh, man, you all right? Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm just a fucking first lady.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100% Scoop
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mental health awareness is growing. But there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey said that they have avoided seeking mental health support due to a fear of judgment. I remember those days. I remember 2001 saying, I'm going to the therapist for the first time. And someone said, do not say that out loud.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When people hesitate to get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts families, workplaces, and entire communities. This is Mental Health Awareness Month. Let's encourage everyone to take care of their well-being and break the stigma. The world is better when people are healthy and happy. Listen. I talk about going to therapy because I want to break the stigma of mental health.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I am in couples therapy with my wife. We have a great marriage. We are doing this preventatively, preemptively, so that when problems arise, we have tools to handle them, and it works. It freaking works. She said the other day I was putting something in the oven, and I went, Leanne, Leanne. And she goes, what did I do? What did I do? And she was behaving like my parents, the way my parents behave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we were reenacting my parents' relationship. And I put it in the oven and we walked outside and used the tools we learned in therapy to get through it. And she said, thank you for bringing that to my attention. Trust me, therapy works.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
BetterHelp is over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Easily switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. We're all better with help.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Visit betterhelp.com slash bears to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that's a good one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Express it. Yeah, express it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jack Links knows there's nothing like a great duo. That's why they created the new Jack Links duo. Bro, this kind of marketing, it hits me in my heart. I get so excited. I am looking at hot buffalo style with chill side ranch. Yeah. This new product line brings two great flavors together. That means one pack, you get two legendary flavors. Look at this one. smoky side and teriyaki.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They've got jalapeno and mango, so you can feed the sweet and spicy side, the duo, the original and the teriyaki. And they've got this one, buffalo style and ranch, so you can feed your hot side and your chill side with this duo. I don't know what it is about this, but I feel like I'm getting a deal. Oh, and you can tell which ones you get. This is buffalo. And then you chase it with a ranch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Shut up. Are you kidding me? And it's keto. This is great for a road trip. Two options for meat sticks. They also have Jack Link's Duo original and teriyaki beef sticks and Jack Link's Duo buffalo-style ranch and buffalo-style. They also have Jack Link's Duo's buffalo-style and ranch chicken sticks. These are awesome. Find Jack Link's Duos wherever you buy Jack Link's turkey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Your local convenience store or at select Walmarts. And I'm sure they love that I put their food in my mouth to do this read. But guys, stop making a great product and I won't do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance, Sound of Madness, and all the classics you'll love alongside some never-before-performed deep cuts. And, of course, the mind-blowing production in Pyro the band is known for. Let me tell you something. I've had these guys on Birdcast. I've known Zach for a very long time. We've seen them perform whenever our tour is lined up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
MrBallen Traumatizes Tom Segura | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a show you won't want to miss. I'm telling you right now, Bush, Morgan, Wade, what a lineup for a full list of dates. And to secure your tickets right now, visit Shinedown.com.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm getting that UCAP.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on, LD. Come on, LD.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God dang it. I'm going to get in this. I'm going through my whole thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So how much alcohol do you drink?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what I mean? I just had a little cash drink.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like to just have that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one brought me one. Right. When I went to our first couples therapy, I said, not a deal breaker, but I need to know, is it okay if I come in here drunk every now and then?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just give me a belt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, I would love to. And then Leanne was like, please, I would love for you to see what you get when you use drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been doing, we're doing, I'm like, I'm, I've won two. We've tied on two, I think. Yeah, it's good. That's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, yeah. Okay. So I've always been confused because like I listen to clips of the podcast on Instagram or on YouTube stories or YouTube. And I go, wait, are they together? Are they broken up?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking your hair is exhausting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to get this new, I just got a new face lotion from Dr. Diamond. Oh my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I bet. Dr. Diamond? Someone get me my Dr. Diamond lotion. Oh my God. It's like $500.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Someone bring it up, but bring it up the way it was presented to me. Yes. Give the whole presentation. Can we scan Dr. Diamond on the pod?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. I hope it goes big. Oh, dude. I'm thinking about, what do you think about men getting plastic surgery?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at this. Let's see you do. Look at this guy. This is- Dr. Diamond Dr. Diamond Dr. Diamond is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA and I don't know why he sent me this feel this it's magneted Dr. Diamond they said is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA and he spells medicine M-E-T-A-C-I-N-E I think it's a branding
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He sent that to me, and then I thought, is it okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking Dr. Diamond.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's why I don't like automatic flushing toilets. Yes. They take it away from you too fast. A hundred percent. Like a runaway team.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I'm going to err on Dr. Diamond. Squatch is the one you get in Target, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at that. Oh, my God. So I had a debate with my wife and my parents. So I was thinking, everyone's going to get hair transplants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone's going to Turkey. As a matter of fact, Ari is just texting me and said, I would like to make a group trip for all of us to go to Turkey together.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think historically someone did kill Ari's types in Turkey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're going to put him under. He's going to wake up and they'll be like, it'll be just like the old, the Mandela. Yeah. Yeah. Was it his mandala?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It would be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was just comedy. Yeah, all his fucking jokes. But I was debating with Leanne about plastic surgery, about getting your hair done or getting like a CO2 laser treatment. Right. Any of that shit. Right. And Leanne's theory about all of it is you want to age. Because you've earned those lines. You've earned that. That shows the life you've lived. It's a gift to get.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's like a rock in an ocean that the waves just hit every fucking day. Yes. And one day it's just sediment. Maybe that's a bad example.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And she goes, do not get hair transplants. Leanne is wet. Leanne is wet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, no. Insecure men. By the way, I am probably pretty insecure. Yeah, but you're not, though. But I'm insecure comedy heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm insecure, and the thing I do is I lean towards comedy, and that's my makeup, and so it's okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're good. You won't catch me looking in the mirror too much at myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I almost wore a college shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go, I think I dress like a child. Right. Like I dress like a child. But it's fun. It's you. I know, but I start getting in my head about, should I be dressing and acting like a 52-year-old? Right. No. Sandler sure as hell doesn't. He doesn't, and look at him. But he's got a style. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You New York guys are not a fan of bare feet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So when you go to, so when you and your wife go on vacation, you go to the beach, do you put on socks and sneakers?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you sending this to me as a friend or for my professional opinion?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I first moved to New York, I wore a pair of Keno flip-flops. Keno is like the Florida flip-flop. You get them in Key West. They're made out of tires by Cuban women. They cost like $10, and they last forever. And I wore Keno flip-flops everywhere, and my toenails were painted everywhere. Right. And we're talking 1999. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I would go on stage and Puerto Rican dudes would just be like, what the fuck? Yeah. I remember there was a Dominican guy that told me I need to put socks on. Yes. He's like, you need socks on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Do you, are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That clip we did a long time ago. Oh, yeah. And we were talking about... You were like, I'm just, I think you got emotional. I did, I started crying. And then I started crying. And that was like the, I think that was the first out of many times I started crying. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was like my first where I was like, because I got, I was like, I never would cry because I was like, people are going to think you're weak. And then I got such positive feedback from that one clip. Yeah. Like, that's how I met Izzy, Israel Adesanya. Oh, really? He DM'd me about that clip. He goes, dude, this is powerful shit. You and him having this conversation is strong, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Fuck that, it's history hyenas. We're here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't wait until you come to New Zealand. I want to see your stand-up. And I was like, okay. But how has that been? With working and being around for your kids?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Doesn't even include Florida. You can make a lot of money in just those 13.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't want to be the best. That would suck. I felt the same way you did for a very long time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, but I think what happened with me is you get... I mean, this is exactly what happens, is... You take on a responsibility like a movie where you're the star of it or a TV show or a tour or you create a tour or you do an arena tour where you had no – that was never my – my goal was never to try to be like a fucking – I want to be the fucking man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember Schultz came on my podcast when I backed it out of my house. My old, old house. And I was like, so what's the goal? And he was like, to be the goat. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'm coming after Chappelle and I'm coming after Bill Burr. And I was like, I remember hearing that going like, I just hope they think I'm funny. Yeah, I don't have that in me at all.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But what happens is you start... doing bigger things and then all of a sudden you have to, it gets out of control.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It gets totally out of control and you have 15 people working for you and you've got a vodka company and a 5K and a summer festival and a cruise and an arena tour and a movie and a TV show and another movie and three movies in development and you're writing another movie with another guy and then you're like, wait,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, what did I get into this for? It's almost like you go, what were we talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're just a little lost. And I think it's cool that you and Stavi are the two people that I look at where you guys completely have no issue stepping back and getting off the merry-go-round.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. They wouldn't let me. That's so good. Yeah. That's so... You're doing the fucking garden this September.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, you had swiped to put a filter on it? Yeah, that's right. I swear to God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on, hold on. You realize that if you headline Madison Square Garden, you're putting your name in the hat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know where the money's going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm still not that. Like I'm not even, I'm not saying that I'm not like that, but I just, I'm always shocked if a celebrity knows me. Sure. Like how many times I've said to people, you know my name? Right. And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, shut the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We can see you. I would assume that they couldn't see them from the outside. Like I'm always shocked that Shane is as comfortable with his fame as he is because I remember when he wasn't famous. I remember, what's crazy is I remember trying to introduce him to Diplo and he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, just don't, just don't. He was so uncomfortable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember trying to introduce him to Guy Fieri, and he was like, I'm good, I'm good. I'm just going to stay in the back. And I was like, okay, that's Shane.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Last week, I see a picture with him, Guy Fieri, and Diplo. Yeah. And I was like, oh. Just hanging out. Yeah, and he's like totally casual.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I need his actual penis.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whoa. Whoa, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's been around for a while. And he has the kind of life where every night it's a show, then a private jet, then a show, then a private jet. And I mean, I guess he like pencils in pussy here and there. Yeah. That's a guy who's like, why would I get rid of this to move outside the city and the suburbs? Right. Because Ted Avici killed himself over it. I just found out who that guy was. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never knew who Avici was, and I saw it on My Name's Bill or something is the documentary on Netflix. And I start watching it. And I'm like, oh, this kid's cool shit. And then I start recognizing songs. I was like, oh, I know this song. Big time. I know this song. And both my daughters walked in, and they're like, oh, my God, he killed himself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, wait, I'm not at the end yet, you assholes. Yeah. Yeah, he fucking killed himself because of this lifestyle. Do you think the lifestyle would have ever caught up with you? Me? Do you think that you spending time with your family the way you do grounds you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have your bodega.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's like symbiotic, you know, the best is when you feel like a fucking team. Yeah. When you look and you go, this is my team. Right. These are my guys. This is my starting lineup. Yeah. And this is, and we've got each other's backs. Yes. Oh, it's the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got seven.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you run all your money? Huh? Do you run all your money? Are you good with money?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So do you have a login to your bank account? Yes. And you can check your money right now? All day. It's on your phone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you have some in Bitcoin?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. There's a promo code busting. Yeah. Wait, no. Mine was five. He said, I found three polyps. He told me when he woke me up. He was like, I found three polyps. I wouldn't worry about them. We're going to do a biopsy. I'll let you know. Right. And then he DM'd me. And he said, hey, man, they're all clean. You don't have to be back for another seven years.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who signed the contract where they wanted their signing bonus? An NFL player.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you ready for this? Yes. So when we did the first Sober October, so it was before that. So before Odell Beckham took his 2021 salary in Bitcoin, $700,000 in Bitcoin. What does he got now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I don't know when you had to buy it. That's 2023. Oh, okay. So it's been kind of fluctuating there. Right, that's true. This is my biggest regret. I didn't have money then, so I couldn't have done this, but I was doing Rogan's podcast, and I think... Red Band was still doing the boards before Jamie. Oh, wow. Okay. This is back in the day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember in this episode, Red Band said, I said, I didn't believe that women could squirt. And Red Band said, I can make your wife squirt. And Joe got snapped at him. I mean, it was like, hey, that's fucking inappropriate. You can't do that. I remember that moment. She's a rock in the ocean. Yeah. And Brian bought up Bitcoin. And Joe casually said, we should each buy $3,000 worth of Bitcoin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Had we done that, I think I did the evaluation. It was like 2006, right when Bitcoin came out. Like right when, I think it was like 2016, 2017. It would, see what Bitcoin, if you had 3,000 now would be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was on Bitcoin. So if I bought $3,000, I would have had... I would have had like five Bitcoins?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was only spending $3,000. I was only going to spend $3,000.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm sorry. So then how much would three Bitcoin be today?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that would have been a good investment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's just crazy. I didn't understand Bitcoin. Can you explain Bitcoin to someone who doesn't understand it? Can you explain the concept of Dogecoin, Bitcoin, Huctua coin? What was your take on Huctua coin? Should they have put her to death?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have no, I don't understand mining for Bitcoin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know what it is. When they lost, this is when Asians lost me. Tentacle porn. Yes. And I was like, okay, it turns me on and I don't know why. And I know it's not real. And now I'm turned on. You're done. I'm done with Asians. I'm done.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I DMed back, what should I wear? Yeah. And then he said, I can't tell you that because I'm not certain I'll be your doctor. Right. And I wrote back, yeah, but I've only let one man inside of me. Yes. I would like a commitment. Yes. He never replied. And he never replied. And he just left it on read. See, why doesn't anybody have any fun anymore? Dude, I was just talking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right. And have you met South Africans? No. They're not all like that. I believe that. They're like the rednecks of Africa.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can explain it to you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can explain it to you. Yeah. You ready? Yes. And you'll like this. This is a history. By the way, I'm not like you. I can't recite the exact history. I can just tell you kind of what it was about. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So the first American currency was introduced in like 1800s. They were using coins because you could feel them in your hand. You could hold them. The value of that gold coin, you knew that was the value of the thing. So they're like, yo, we got to take over Canada, right? And they're like, we need like 3,000 soldiers, but we don't have any money to give you guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we're not going to go back to Mesopotamia. Well, maybe it was 1775. But anyway, so this is the story. So they said, let's just make paper currency, okay? And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you this, and we're going to take over this town. We're going to get all their fucking shit. And we get all their shit. You give me this, and I'll give you that much and their shit. Yeah. Right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so everyone's like, okay. So they gave everyone fucking $300 in paper currency. They went in, took over the fucking city. They won. Had they not won, it wouldn't have worked. But they won. And then everyone went, here's my thing. Can I get my stuff back? And the guys were like, yeah. And a lot of guys were like, I'll just hold on to this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then when they were like, yo, this is easier than this. So they're like, yo, I'll take these. And let's just use these from now on. But the guy said when he said it, he goes, it only works If we all believe in it. No one can say no. Everyone's got to believe in it. Right. And that's the shit with Bitcoin. Yeah. Everyone's got to believe in it. So it's real, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As soon as everyone believes in it, it's real.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't explain anything. I was telling this to Peter. We were looking at some show on Netflix and the guys had a Honus Wagner rookie card. Sick. And you know who Honus Wagner was? Honus Wagner, Hall of Famer. Yes. And my sister Pete's like, I would never pay that much money for that. And I was like, yeah, but you got to understand. It's worth it. He's like, not to me. And I went, that's Bitcoin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The guy's like, hold on. Let's go back to milk. Yes. So your mom said two things. Don't drink. No, she said don't do drugs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We watched Inglourious Bastards on tour in Europe with our tour manager who's German. The best. That was really fun to watch him go, yeah, those are some bad guys. Bad guys. This is so horrible. Knowing full well those are his grandparents. And we're like, Ben, man, this is crazy what they're doing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone does after Tony Hinchcliffe's set.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone does.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I heard someone pissing and moaning that Hitler's Heil Hitler wasn't even like a full Heil Hitler. It was like a phoned in one, like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I, dude, I have, my dad had a problem with milk. Like he would drink a gallon a day. Right. My dad drank so much fucking milk. I drank, I love getting vitamin D, the red milk, you know, the vitamin D one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My favorite Nazi story is Alex Eichmann, where they got him from, they extracted him. Is it Eichmann? It's Eichmann, I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann. Just hit enter and it'll come up. they pulled him out of Brazil. Adolf Eichmann.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Alex. American him up. And they brought him to Israel. And a lot of people in Israel didn't believe in the Holocaust. A lot of Israelis didn't believe it because they're like, so hold on. They killed everyone but you guys are still here? Tell me how bad was it if you made it out? And
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And then when they took him and they held him on trial in Israel, he is the reason that people started believing the Holocaust because he told the stories of, yeah, this is what we did. This is what we did. And he was saying, I was just a guy. I was doing my job. I was doing my job. And you're like, wow. My grandfather was in World War II. He went in and cleared out Nazi death camps or whatever.
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Concentration camps. Concentration camps and saw his relatives, his cousins as Nazis and was like, that would have been me. Yeah. It's crazy.
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Do you think, because I'm into a lot of history as well. Do you think when you listen to these stories of Nazis, of Americans getting drafted or in Vietnam or Korea or World War II or World War I seems to be the fucking worst in my opinion. That was wild.
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Do you think that you could have done that, could have given up your free will and listened to a man going, all right, I want everyone out of this foxhole and everyone charge the berm? I'm going to say no.
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I bet I could have been, I bet I could have focused in med school to become a medic. I could have been like, no, I can apply myself. As a matter of fact, I don't mind reading. I like reading. I don't want to go to the fucking... I could not have been in the military when you hear those stories.
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Here's one. This one is my favorite little bit of history.
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We went to Serbia to shoot The Machine. Sure. Streaming on Netflix.
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And we saw a statue of Gavriela Pritsip. Okay, I'm not familiar. Gavriel Pritsip is type of man.
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I think good luck. He is Gavriel Pritsip. He shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand to start World War II, World War I. This one man affected history bigger than anyone ever. And now here's my connection.
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Yeah. He died in prison at 24 in Chechnya, I think. I don't know. Maybe in Croatia. But anyway, he is the biggest hero in Serbia. He is a hero because this man created Yugoslavia, basically. What he did is he stood up. He was part of the Young Turks, I think, and he started that. Now, here's what's crazy. So when they shot that CEO. Yes. Same energy. Right. People look at that kid as a hero.
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And it reminds me of this Gabriela Princip. Right. Of like this one gunshot changes the world.
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I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I've come outside. I've said out loud. I hate that people are celebrating this guy's murdering of a person. No good. It's horrible. He has family. He has children. He's a human being. I'll tell you one thing. is shine a light on how bad the healthcare system is. Hell yeah.
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I mean, like, imagine, I don't know, I feel like I'm talking shit, but imagine sacrificing your own life to change a system. That's what this guy did. That's what this guy did. And that's what that guy did. I'm not that guy. Right. But it's crazy that that's a thing.
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But a good looking guy? What are you killing people for? Dude, seriously.
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He's being disgusting. John Wayne Gacy, totally get it.
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A number of times.
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Yeah. What do you go there for? Just to hang out? To work. I always went there to work. What do you mean? What were you doing? I worked on Travel Channel. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, I was just there recently with Leanne and the girls. Yeah, we took them there. How many times have you been back and forth to Italy? Oh. Oh, I had one month where it was three.
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I had one month where I went to Italy three times. From the United States to Italy? From LA to Italy, back and forth three times. For the show? Yeah, for the show. For most seats for work. I've been to Italy probably 12 times. Wow. And you always go to Florence? Every time. You've got to go to Florence, Rome, and Venice are the places to go.
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But I've also been down to Bari, down to the very bottom, been over to Greece through there. What's crazy to me, what's crazy, so when I travel, I obsess about the history of that place. Sure. And I get really into the history of that place, and I want to know things about that place. Right. And this last trip to Italy, I was obsessed with Mussolini. Dude, obsessed. Mussolini is just...
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Mussolini's a lot like Nero. So Nero apparently wasn't that bad of an emperor. He just got a bad rap because the three dudes after him kept fucking up. And so the guy that came three dudes after Nero was like, yo, in order for myself to look good, I got to make your ex-boyfriend look bad. So he trashed Nero. He fiddled when Rome burned. Truth is, they hadn't invented the fiddle yet.
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The fiddle wasn't even around, so that's not a real story. They did the same thing with Mussolini. Mussolini was like, he invented fascism. He invented it. His only shortcoming was like, he thought he was going to be best friends with Hitler. He thought he was going to be best friends with Stalin. And so when they killed him, they were like, yo, let's trash his memory.
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And so they trashed his memory, and they made all these big gestures that won over a nation, foolish gestures. They're like, look at him pop. So I was obsessed with Mussolini.
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With piano wire. And his mistress next to her. And her dress went over her head. And then the women came in and tucked her dress to respect her. Respect. His wife lived.
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But your dad's straight up.
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I think that David was supposed to stand on top of the Duomo. Yes, that's what it was. And so he made it proportionally so that when you looked at it, it looked proportional from the height of what you saw it from.
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Oh. So wait, you just went to Florence?
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What's up, buddy? How you doing?
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Look at that. You look good. He's looking good. You look totally different. Yeah. He lost a little weight. Yeah, his fucking mustache looks tight.
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Yeah. Right. Or fly private like Bert. No, I don't fly private to Europe. Yes, yes, dude. You've taken the fucking bus to Europe. I've taken, no, when we toured Europe, we have a double-decker bus. Nice. Fucking next level. Hell yeah. We just went to Paris, me and Leanne, because she'd never been to Paris, and next week we're going to Spain.
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Our kids are gone.
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Is someone listening downstairs? Yeah. I need a Yuca app, and I need a bunch of the food that I eat all the time.
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They were probably eight and six, I'm guessing.
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No, I wasn't not. I was not. But I was working for Travel Channel for not a ton of money. So you missed them. I missed them all. I was gone two weeks, and then on my week off, I'd go do stand-up. Right. And then I'd be gone for two weeks.
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How about this though? This is the, this is the thing I'll say. is stand-up today is not what stand-up was 12 years ago. What do you mean? We all did clubs. Like, no one did theaters. No one, no one did Madison Square Garden 12 years ago. No one did. Unless you're the Nazis. Joe Rogan, 12 years ago, I'm not even joking, 12 years ago, Joe Rogan was doing the Wilbur was like a big deal. Sure.
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I mean, I'm enjoying, I apologize, Joe, if I'm misspeaking, but I mean, I just remember that like no one was doing theaters, no one was doing arenas. And now we're all, I mean, like there's a handful of us doing arenas. I mean, a handful, a lot of comics do arenas and that just didn't exist. So, so what, so what do you think about how, so how, what are you saying?
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Opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it. Like, if you... Like, there was, like, every comic... Every comic did clubs. So every comic did clubs. So you didn't have... Like, if you got an offer at a club, you had to take it. Right.
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I want those protein chips that I eat all the time.
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So, like, if you wanted to continue to be a comic, for me, then that one week off, I had to go do stand-up because those offers were hard to come by. Yeah. And you gotta remember, like, every fucking comic did... I mean, it's so hard for people to wrap their heads around, but, like... there wasn't the opportunities that are out there.
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Like right now when I hear you go, I only do two weeks a month, I go, that would be fucking incredible. But if I had only done two weeks a month back then, I would have never got to where I am today. So I can tell you the comics who did two weeks a month and they don't do comedy anymore.
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You had to be fucking hustling. I think comedy was a lot more of a hustle back then than it is now. Because of the internet. I remember Ali Wong saying, you can take a year off. That is like, I mean, I remember hearing that and going, no, you're not allowed to. What are you talking about? You got to keep your foot on the gas pedal.
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And it was, this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years of doing standup that I took off starting in July to now. And I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall, but I've never taken off. Why? Because you're liking the feeling of being off? No. Because you're doing other shit. I don't want her to reset my comedy. I want her to reset everything.
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I wanted to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material that didn't go in that special be the beginning of the next special.
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I wish. Like, I... I don't know. I'm going to be litigious if this comes out wrong. Okay. There's a couple comics that don't wear shirts on stage now. It's a good thing. Right. And... friend of mine texted it to me, a friend of ours texted it to me and said, uh, this is insane. Like that this, you're the first person to ever take a shirt off. And now these people are taking their shirt off.
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Like, but I didn't read his text. I saw a dude with his shirt off and I clicked it and I go, the fuck is this guy doing? Yeah. I was like, oh my God, how many people do you think see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy? Cause I just did I just did it to him. I was like, this fucking fool with his fucking shirt off. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, what?
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And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage? But here's the deal. I am more comfortable shirtless. So you've got to go where you're comfy wanted. Yeah. I'm like, I am doing who I am authentically. Yes. But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like... I don't know.
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I'll tell you what. We should bring on sponsors and just ruin all our relationships.
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So that's the thing. It's all authenticity. My authenticity was so direct and honest that, I mean, I made a choice to be shirtless on my Showtime special. It was a Showtime special. And they said, you're giving them a reason to change the channel. This when changing the channel was a thing. Showtime said that to you. Look at him now.
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She said, legit, can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off? I said, no, you can't cut in between them. And they go, I think this is a big mistake. And it was. It was the lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone changed channel. The second my shirt came off, they said the ratings dropped. Right. Everyone turned it off. Okay. No one thought this was a good idea. Right.
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But then with the internet, it was like you need a reason to go, what is that? That one reason where... So it was those clips from that Showtime special that blew everything up. Those clips from those... I put four clips. The machine story, fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, and taking my daughter to first grade, John Henry story. And I put four clips up.
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And I remember the machine, the first night got like 3 million views. Yeah. And every single one of them was like 2 million, 1 million, 750,000. Like everyone was skyrocketing. And then the machine got to like... I mean, I don't know, like fucking... 10 million, 12 million, 20 million, 30 million. It's like 50 million right now. But I remember that's when Showtime was like, yo, pull it all off.
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You got to take it all off. Why? Why would they want to take it off? Because they weren't benefiting from it. They weren't benefiting from it.
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I put it on my Facebook page. Shit. Yeah, and they were going to sue me for the price of the special. I was like, I'll give you that money because I need this business. Yeah, because you're selling tickets.
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2000, does someone have a date? 2016? December 27th, I was set up to do the Wilbur January 2017 and I hadn't sold 200 tickets. I hadn't sold 200 tickets and we were panicking and promos weren't a thing yet. No one was doing promos and the machine story went viral And I remember my agent goes, we cleaned up the Wilbur.
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And he's like, by the way, you're sold out at Portland Helium, Buffalo Helium, and New Jersey. And I was like, no, that's crazy.
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Like you wouldn't come close. Buddy, I would, they would pay for a room. You have to give money back to the club. Yeah, a couple times. No, a couple times. A couple times because if you wanted to work there again and they got a fucking upside down deal, you're like, yo, let's figure this out.
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Oh, my whole career, I was like, maybe I'm just not meant to. Maybe I'm not good. Maybe I'm just delusional. Like our friends think you're good, you think you're good, but the fans are saying no for some reason. The crowd would laugh, but just no one would show up. So I'd kill to 75 people, but it's also, you know, it was the road and the road, there were no rules to the road.
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And it was like, yeah, I definitely was like, maybe this isn't going to work out. And then it would work out for Tom. And I was like, fuck man. And then I was like getting older and I'd watch like dudes show up with like, I remember Chris D'Elia had like space pants on. And like a brand new Audi and the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my life.
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And I was like, I was sitting off the side going in jeans with dad shoes. I had plantar fasciitis. No shirt on. Sandals and jeans. Yeah. And I'm looking at going, I guess it just didn't happen for me. And then I'd be in the... Because you were already what?
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So you were like, it's just over. I was like, I was comfortable being...
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uh just a journeyman comic just a really good comic who like maybe not maybe no one stayed in the room to watch um but maybe respected by your peers and all that oh and friends with everyone yeah that was a good set you know but like no one was like hey guys bert's on we like you know what the way they do for like uh yeah like if chapelle's in the room sure if rogan goes up everyone goes come on let's go look at rogan yeah you know i wasn't gonna be that guy and i was like cool and rogan had a conversation with me in the back of the
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of the comedy store, and he was like, hey man, you need to get a Netflix special. And he's like, you're too funny. You need a Netflix special, and I'm telling you. And I was like, Joe, that's like saying, hey man, you need to fuck a supermodel. I was like, how the fuck do I do that? He was like, be undeniable. I didn't know what that meant. And I got fired from Travel Channel.
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Okay, hold on. Okay. Keep going.
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And because of that, I could do stand-up every single night, and I just did it every single fucking night. I did it every single fucking weekend. And then one day, the dude that I liked, that was really like the hot, hot comic, came up and he was like, when did you get funny? And I was like, oh, I've been funny. That was the other thing is I came kind of from out of nowhere.
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So everyone was like, oh, he's just a Travel Channel guy.
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But yeah, I didn't get success until I was like 43.
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Well, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, that's why like, I don't know. I just, I was like fucking foot to the pedal to the metal.
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You have a, you have, I mean, we didn't get paid for pot. I mean, podcasting was like, yeah, it was like we were earlier the game of podcasting, but like you guys can go in and you guys are so good. much better at podcasting than us older dudes, I think. I really think you guys, like I watch you, I watch History of Hugginess, I watch Stavi, I watch Hey Babe back in the day.
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Like everything, you are so good on a podcast that I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should just stop podcasting.
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So I looked at it this way. I was like, yo, I didn't make money for like forever. Yeah. So now that I can make money, I need to – this is exactly what I said. I need to get us a big house. Yep. I need to get the girls in – I got to pay for colleges. Yep. And I was like, buddy, can you imagine – being 43 and knowing that college is like four years away.
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I don't, I mean, I can't remember exact ages or whatever, but like, remember thinking college is coming up and I don't have money for it, nor do I have money for Christmas next year, nor do I have money for, I don't know if I'm gonna have money for a mortgage. Nothing safe for the future. I got nothing saved for the future. I remember going and being in a car in St. Louis at the Helium.
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I had done radio. I drank on radio. I was shirtless in the car. I'm fucking 43, and the manager looked at me, and he goes, how long can you do this for? Whoa. And I was like, huh? He's like, what, are you going to be like a 50-year-old comic? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Am I sad? Yeah. I was like, wait, am I depressing people? Yeah. Like, oh, fuck.
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And then I was like, oh, how long can I do this for? By the way, hadn't sold any tickets that weekend. Yeah. Hadn't sold any fucking tickets. And got into a fight with Doug Benson on stage. And I knew he was posting it Monday morning for his fucking Doug Loves Movies. Wow. And I was like. Like a legitimate fight. Like, by far, if you download this, and I'm sure it's still out there. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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And you hit play. you will never be more involved and committed to a bit of content in your life. It is a passionate, heated fight on stage in a sold-out comedy club where he is screaming at me, and I'm confused, and I'm drunk, and I'm trying to give people cheeseburgers, and I leave the room, and then I walk back into the room, and it gets worse, and then I humbly apologize, and I get on stage.
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No one knows who the fuck I am. Dude, that was that weekend, and I was like, I was like, motherfucker, but the one thing I got on that weekend was Google Trends. He told me what Google Trends were, and I realized, I started seeing spikes. I started Googling why I spiked, and I was like, oh shit, I guess Rogan's a spike. I didn't know that.
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I was like, I just did Rogan's, but I knew I got followers, but I didn't know that it would help my career. I was like wait. Oh, I'm Tom. That's a spike. I went on with Ari That's a spike when I'm with you. I was like, okay Well, I'll just hang out with my boys a little more and then I was like, oh hot ones is spiking What's hot ones Google it check it out. I was like, oh shit hit up Sean Evans.
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I go on hot ones huge fucking spike I learned and I marketed my career based on that but man, I am like I like Look back and I am so fucking lucky that I took my shirt off, I posted that machine clip, and I met Joe Rogan.
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Three things that happened. Had one of those things not happened, I don't know if I'd be where I am. If I didn't post the machine, no, I'd just be like a regular guy that did Rogan a couple times.
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You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach is going to be healthier than Entenmann's.
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Louis. It's crazy, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's amazing. I make good money on the podcast. We make great money on the vodka. We're like doing well with the 5K. Everything's good business right now, and I'm just like floating. And then I go, maybe I'll do an arena tour. Maybe I'll do a theater tour. Maybe I'll go do clubs for four months. I was going to say, you go back to the clubs, it'd be wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
wild the funnest touring i ever have is getting the bus in california and just go across the country doing clubs clubs and just do a big loop for like two months yeah no kids at home just do two months of a loop yeah bring your have friends fly out and meet up with you to have them on the road for two days amazing oh we did that right before my special we went on the road for a month straight right doing clubs from l.a all the way down to tampa
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus. And no, no, no. Up to where we started fully loaded. And then we met up with everyone fully loaded toward all the way through fully loaded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he's doing a hair thing consultation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought of that today. No, he's doing a consultation to see if he has enough hair to replace. Right. Does he have enough hair to replace it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. His hair receded here. It's receding here. So they're just doing a consultation. I think he didn't want to go to Turkey. I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done because everyone in LA is like, you don't have enough hair to do it with. So I think he may have to go to Turkey. But that's why he came out to LA and he was like, yeah, I'll do the consultation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the guy's like, I'm going to need to bring other people in to look at this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he just.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, let's look at this person shitting on the dude. His plan was like, when I started shaving my hair, I had hair. I started shaving my head, I had hair. People just think I'm just growing it out. Right. I was like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you going to make a... Was your wife upset about the island of garbage?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And hang on, can I give you a gift?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Apply that in your marriage. Okay. Don't forget perception is reality. Great. Tommy Chong said this to me high as fuck. when you get into a fight, you get to decide if you're angry or not. Yeah. You can also decide to focus on all the great times you had and ignore this one little thing and look past it and go, I'm going to give, I'm going to, I'm going to take all these experiences.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's about to get scanned. Here we go. Oh, just start with cheese whiz. Oh, my God. Start with cheese whiz. Cheese whiz. I'm going to scan this. Easy cheese. I do this a lot. She's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've done that and it fucking works.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
2016, I was in Ohio. We were getting ready to do the... The End of the World podcast, me, Burr, Stan Hope, and Rogan at the store. And I'm in Ohio that weekend before. We're doing it like Tuesday, the election. And I had a joke. For anyone listening, I hope you understand this, but the fun thing to do in comedy is say the thing you think they're going to hate and then win them over with a joke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I said, and I...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The other day, let me tell you the meal I had with this. I had an Oscar Mayer wiener with a Twinkie as a bun cut in half with this on top.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You've been trying it for fucking five years.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was a great episode. Thank you for coming. September 11th. Hey, make sure to check his Hulu special, It's Just Unfortunate, releasing February 21st. Yes. Madison Square Garden on September 11th.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're not a sponsor, right? I think I just buy them because they're keto.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what they're doing is in order to get you low. Additives.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hang on. Zero carb mission tortillas. I fuck with these. 24 out of 100, folks. Not bad, considering my diet's been in the 18s.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ, mayonnaise. Go mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Fucking come on, mayonnaise. Come on, mayonnaise. You're on everything. Come on, let's go, mayonnaise. You're on everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do I eat anything above 50?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on, let's go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Storkist just sent me so much tuna. They sent me a box of this because of the Matthew McConaughey interview. Yep. Fuck yeah, Starfish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down, and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you're putting on 5Ks every time before a show?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, so this is benefiting, your 5K is benefiting the fires out here? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Then my whole team is doing it. Fuck yeah. And we're paying the entry fee. Hell yeah. I mean, I'm not going to pay it, but they'll pay it. Dude, can I tell you a wild story? Yeah, of course. So... Who's the band that, you may not remember, the band that opened for you guys in L.A.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
when you guys played, I think, SoFi, maybe, or The Forum, or who was the band? This last time? Yeah, this recently. Pierce the Veil? Pierce the Veil. Fucking Pierce the Veil. So my daughter says to me, I need Pierce the Veil tickets. My daughter's, now she's 18, she was 17 at the time, I need Pierce the Veil tickets. And I was like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so, you know how you do, and I'm sure you do, like, you call your agent, you're like, oh, can I get some, Pierce the Veil, I'm not familiar with them, my daughter's obsessed. And she was like, they're like, yeah, we got her. We get great seats for Pierce the Veil. She comes on that night. And I was like, how's Pierce the Veil? She's like, have you heard of a band called Blink-182? I go, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, dad? They're fucking amazing. She goes, we went to see Pierce the Veil. They went on before Blink-182. Blink-182, dad, they're incredible. I was like, wait, hold on. You went to a Blink-182 concert thinking you were there for Pierce the Veil? I thought that was so fucking funny that my little girl would go, come home just lit up. Man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it was cool as shit. Yeah, I just realized that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, that is sperm confetti. That's crazy. So that's cool, though. I was thinking about that for my next tour. I don't know when that will be, but I was like, what if you did put on a 5K every – because I run. So cool. I run. I lift weights every day on tour. What's your schedule on tour look like?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I was, they were talking about your fear of flying. I have a fear of flying. I have a real fear of flying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I live in a bus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ron's like a brother to me. He's like a brother to me. I mean, we're so close. We actually, we stopped working together for a while, and he just took me to Vegas, and we had a great dinner, and he was like, man, Bert, we got too close, and I apologize. If I ever did stuff wrong, I go, like what? He goes, like that time I pulled a gun on you. I apologize. He pulled a gun on me one time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know why I run. I just got out of couples therapy and that was a big mistake. Yeah. Oh, so like your head's all... Five minutes ago. Yeah. Five minutes ago. You seem pretty calm and balanced. Yeah, I have some shit to work through. Yeah. I have some like legit, like one of those bad ones where you're like... Burt, why aren't you talking? Yeah, yeah. I feel you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, Ron and I are like brothers. I love him to death, man. I love him to death. He is... Man, you got me off track because I'm thinking of Ron stories. First time, the day I fell in love with Ron. some girl snuck on the bus and snuck into my room. And I'm pretty public about, I'm open about like, I don't cheat on my wife.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I think everyone should be, but like, I should know that I'm married and I'm happily married. So my cousin found her and we pulled the bus over and like, yo, this isn't cool. We gotta get you off. And then we had to wait for an Uber to come get her at some bus stop and some bus station or whatever bus, you know, gas station. And Ron's just like this, like, she was hot too. And...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we get Uber picks her up, Uber picks her up, and Ron's sitting in the bus chair, and he turns around and kind of holds court in that little doorway, and he goes, Bert, can I tell you why you're a man of good fortune? I said, why is that? And he goes, because you just said no to that sweet pussy. I said, really? And he goes, yeah, man. Man, this job, it fucked up my first marriage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, you're just a bus driver, Ron. And he goes, you'd be shocked what a bitch will do for Nelly Headband. I was like, that's my new best friend. That's my new best friend. That's so Ron, too. Yeah, I'm a bus guy. And I heard that when you were in Europe, you were a boat guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, can we talk about your accident for a second? Yeah, if you want to. I have a horrific fear of flying. I've had it forever. And I think I'll die probably from my lifestyle on planes before I ever die in a plane crash. How quick does it happen?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It happened on takeoff, right? Yeah. The tire blew out? Mm-hmm. And did you get thrown around the plane? Because it was private, so I'm imagining you're probably not wearing seatbelts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Were you able to do the thing that they say?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, but I think I ran because I loved it. And then in therapy, I was like, I think I ran because I was looking for my dad's approval. And so I don't know why I run.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How did you get back into a plane?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know how sexy I find that? Like, give me that life. I'll do that. I would love that. If you told me, you got a show in London, but here's the deal. Take a train to Chicago, you're going to drive to New York, and then we're getting you on a fucking bus, a boat across the Atlantic. Yeah. I'd be like, gal, yeah, I'm not doing that sober. I'm doing that drunk. This show is sponsored by Vaya.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm running your 5K next week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Amazing. That's cool. I did yours. You're doing mine. I'm so excited. It's in New Orleans. February 8th? Yes. February 8th. It's February 7th. I don't even know. But what got you like... You're an interesting dude, because I know you partied. I remember in your reality show, you were just smoking weed. And I was watching you. I have a very lasting memory of you. Your family's at the restaurant.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What size plane?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My wife doesn't even have a sister. Yeah. God damn it. Damn it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think your in-laws were there. And you were in your Escalade just smoking weed. It was a hot box in the Cadillac, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah. On a bus, I just, maybe it rolls and I think I got some chances. I got a lot of pillows in my room. But you have no idea how I've had some rough flights and I've flown a lot. I've flown a lot. But I've refused, I try desperately not to fly private now because I just have never enjoyed it. And I'm paying so much money to do something I really, really hate.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I don't get to fly in your sister's, her sister's good plane. I'll send you her number maybe. I know her dad pretty well. Or mom. You know what I mean. Yeah. I know Caitlin. Right? Is Caitlin the sisters? Yeah, some of the sisters.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Kendall and Kylie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ. Yeah. What's that like? I mean, I hope this comes off right, but they're kind of like American royalty. Yeah. That family. And you're like a regular kid who didn't go to college.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And then you just roll into that family and it's got to be a fucking whirlwind.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They don't seem like people that would put you out of place.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like, I mean, for a lack of, my only experience would be, it's like people talk about Rogan like he's this fucking huge star, and I just know Joe. I have actually a hard time wrapping my head around he might have affected an election. Yeah, he's awesome, man. Joe's so cool. Joe is cool shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Your episode you did with him was really cool because you were talking, I think you were talking about you're vegan?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Does, do you have a problem with confrontation? Oh, I do. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, bad. And Joe told me if I got into jujitsu, it would help with that. But I have a hard time with confrontations. I'll just avoid it. I'll avoid it entirely. Like someone can do something mean to me and I just, I could just get vengeful. And then I just go, I'll just talk behind their back.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How did you get to here? Because you are probably one of the most well-rounded, grounded dudes I've ever had a conversation with in just 30 minutes and 16 seconds. I'm like... God, man, I want this. What pill does he take in the morning to get this? I don't want to have nothing to have power over me. I want to be like, fuck it, I'll just do it. But you weren't always like this, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, wait. I think he hit me up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. He's like, did he do the Paul brothers teach him how to breathe? Yeah. He hit me up. He was like, yo, I can help you. I can help you breathe.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is how broken I am. I heard, what is it? Hour, 45 minutes of breath work. I go, can we do that in like 15?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I do that with working out. I said to Jelly today on our walk, a friend of ours passed away, Kenny Flores. He was on my podcast, he's the sweetest guy in the world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100% excuse me. What's it called when you get loose skin cut off? Is there a procedure? Look, I don't know what it's called, but Tom's doing that this week, so he can't be here with us. And I have an absolute legend and a fellow runner. That is my favorite part about you, Travis Barker. Dude, I watched your Cribs. I watched your reality show. I'm a fan of Big 182.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't know how much I meant to him. Yeah. And I met his friends and his family last night, or his friends mostly, and they were explaining how him doing my podcast... We did Something's Burning. It was such a big deal. And then I saw a post today. And I said to Jelly today, I was like, you know, I'm bummed because I really liked hanging out with him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was hoping we could party one more time or a couple times. I think I was like, well, run into him a few more times. We'll party a few more times. I said to Jelly, I was like, I know you don't live forever, but I was like, I thought he'd be here tomorrow. But that's how life works. It's just sometimes you're not there for tomorrow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Get to do therapy. Fuck off. no uh seriously this i walked out of therapy real cool i can't wait to talk to travis barker and my wife's like i'm sorry sorry um what what what started you being afraid of flying when i was um when okay two things happened within the same week i think uh Was it Luke Campanella? The catcher for the Yankees died in a plane crash.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I walked into my dad's office and I said, what year was Luke Campanella? What year did he die? Roy Campanella. That can't be it. No, it was a different catcher. Maybe it was, I forget. There was a famous person who died in a plane crash. And I went into my dad and I said, wait, what does that mean? And he said, he's dead. And I said, did he have kids? And he goes, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he said, I said, what's that mean? He goes, he'll never see them again. And I was like... Hold on. What's that? Like forever? He was like, yeah. And then we flew to, maybe been Roberto Clemente. And that was, I was zero. I was zero then. I forget. My dad told me that story. That's one of the things. And then the first plane flight I took,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As they were taking off, I said to my mom, I said, okay, okay, that's high enough right there. And we're taking off. She goes, honey, we're going higher. I go, no, no, no, no, we're good right here. We're flying. And they go, we're going real high. And when we went above the clouds, I just started fucking panicking for the whole flight. Here's the problem. I don't mean to take up this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to hear you talk, but I'll tell you this because we both have a fear. I was terrified of flying. The last sober flight I took, I was 18 years old and I, uh, we were flying to the Virgin islands. Me and my whole family as a graduation present to me. And, um, and my mom got it. Oh, this is getting into the therapy shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My dad and my sister were making fun of me cause I was scared and I started crying uncontrollably. It was a terror. I was a panic attack and they were still making fun of me and, and it was bad. And then when we landed, my dad goes, that shit was real. And I was like, yeah. And on our flight home, my dad took me to the bar at the hotel we were at, and I was panicking that we had to fly home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My dad goes, buddy, let's get you a couple rum runners. You'll be fine. And he bought me two rum runners, and I drank them. When we got to the airport, I was like, I could use like one more, and I should be good. He bought me two more. I killed him. I've never flown sober since. I've flown sober since. I've done it a couple times, but that started my problem drinking on planes. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was a Xanax guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
not no no drugs just booze yeah but i run mostly i run or work out to get the poison out like if i if i don't do it i'm gonna fog all day but if i break it where i feel like i'm gonna throw up and i'm like sweating i i get i'm out of it i'm out of the fog yeah and is that why you did it i did it to balance out all the bad stuff i was doing i figured i'd start like including some good stuff and then i found knowing i had to run the next day i
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God dang. It's crazy the trauma that our parents pass on to us. Yeah. That was what my therapy was about. Yeah. It's wild. It's so wild. It's crazy. Yeah. The therapist pinpointed something, like, so quick. And my wife already knew the answer. And she was just sitting there, like, just this, like, this smarmy, like... And I was like, just say it. She's dying to say it. It's my dad, okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's my dad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. But you seem pretty fucking all together. You're in great shape. Do you go to the doctor a lot?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to be scared.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
he's going like, they might be the same fucking person. Really? You do the same thing? I schedule my doctor's appointment, and then I'm like... And for me, it's always like liver enzymes. Like, I need some time to not drink so I can go in so I'm healthy. Yeah. And so I'll be like, yeah, you know what? That's a bad weekend for me because I got a couple somethings burning. You know what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yep. All right, let's talk about something fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Yeah. So were you always a car guy?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you have brothers and sisters?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have two older sisters. You make so much fucking sense to me. Really? Yeah, because if you saw, I only work with women. Female energy is my energy. I feel like I'm a little safer with women. I have my tour manager's a woman, my manager's a woman.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I think, I got to be honest with you, I think I would so enjoy being married to Kardashian because all that female energy in that house, I'd be like, I'm home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Your daughter has the coolest fucking name ever. Which one? Alabama.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I ran into Patricia Arquette the other night. You did? I was like, fucking Alabama. Best. The fucking coolest name. My daughter's name is Georgia. Really? Yeah. Alabama's a badass. We couldn't pick Alabama because my wife grew up in Georgia. But that's a badass fucking name. Keep going. I'm sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not a car guy, right? I don't care what car I drive. I mean, I care, but I couldn't even tell you what the numbers are on the back of my car. I know it's a Mercedes, but I don't know what it is. Yeah. Got it through a broker, so that totally makes sense, a Trax. Just give me that one, okay, I like it. My wife is a car person, she has one, and I couldn't tell you what those numbers are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know I like big trucks, but when I had to buy a new car, I was like, I really want the 76 Cadillac convertible Eldorado. That's the sexy car to me. It's long still, it's two-door, but it's comfortable for four people. It's just a badass car. And then I started looking around and then I just got lost in the weeds. I was like, I was like, there's so many. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, shut up. Grand National GNX. Pull that up. That's sweet. Is that like the Monte Carlo almost?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but it's like... So wait, is this the car that they were... I deep dove... I follow a lot of black dudes in Atlanta that restore cars. But black dudes' tastes in cars are unique. They're very unique. And the Monte Carlo is like one of the most coveted cars in that community. And Carlos Miller. Shout out to Carlos Miller. He's from 85 South. You familiar?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're comedians, but they have a great podcast called 85 South. You should meet Carlos because he's a big car guy too. Oh, nice. But we were talking about it. And the Monte Carlos or the GNXs, I think, there were at least so few of them that they would then put out a newsletter to go, hey, just so you know, we're doing like an upgrade. So if you want to bring your car in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was like fascinating. It was almost like niche culture. Before the internet. Yeah. Like, I think that's the coolest fucking thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you have a white whale, like a car where you're still looking for it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When did it teeter-totter? I don't mind hearing this story.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just got turned on to it. And like I said, I'm not a car guy, but I just got turned on to patina trucks. Beautiful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I almost bought a shirt off a dude on the street. Yeah? It was the coolest fucking shirt. What was it? 1979, the Whaler Inn from Boston, Massachusetts. And it was, you could tell, I was with my daughter, and you could tell this dude bought that shirt there. He was an older man. Yeah. And he bought that shirt there, and he'd been wearing it ever since. And it was so fucking perfectly worn in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I said to my daughter, I go, fuck this. Go into those stores, the thrift stores. Just find dudes like that and go, how much for your shirt? Yeah, buy it off their back. Did you say it? No, I felt weird.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Van Nuys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, Buck Owens.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm bringing Dwight Yoakam on stage tomorrow night at the Dead thing. Oh, amazing. And my wife, that's her one hall pass, and it all starts with Buck Owens. She's taken me up to the Crystal Palace a couple times just to sit up there and listen to music and drink. That's amazing. Keep going. I cut you off. I'm sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But his best friend got shot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Think of like, if you don't start- No, no, no, actually that's, I love Paul McCartney. Yeah, me too. But that's exactly how John Lennon got murdered was he took the same path so the guy could find him Crazy. Same time. Went to do the same thing. I mean, like, that's like crazy advice. Yeah. That's what happens when you're so famous. No one questions you. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone's like, that's great advice, Paul.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Then what if you don't, what if you're not normal? Like, okay. Cause today I was in the grocery store. and I got recognized, and I said to my, I was with Stacy, that lady you just met, and she goes, it's because you're just loud. You're just a large person. And I just, I was like, I just was, the lady, I bought a bunch of steaks for my sister's birthday. The lady said, can I come to the party?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I went, yeah. And then as she left, she said, I'll see you tonight. I said, you better show up. And then everyone looks at me, and then they go, hey, Bert, what's up? But you are covered in tats, and you were covered in tats before that was like a thing. But so like when you show up, people, you draw the eye automatically and then they go, oh shit, I know that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's fucking, that's Travis Barker, holy shit. Like, can you just go to the grocery store?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we're doing a, I should say this, by the way, also, because Jelly would kill me if I didn't. We're doing Two Bears 5K again in Tampa this year. I saw it. Yeah, we're doing it. Me and Tom and Jelly is a part of it. And it's going to be fucking huge. And if you want to come, we'd love to have you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. We're so pumped. We're going to party on the field at Raymond James Stadium after the 5K. And it's kind of, I'm so excited.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cold plunges, saunas. We had a bunch of workout equipment. We had a rope climb. We had free beer, sampling of porosos, a bunch of hydration stuff. Hydration's my shit. I get two IVs a week.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but it's so I can party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I drink four liquid deaths right before I go to bed every night. Yeah, they're great. I murder them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let me change the water. And I was like, what? She goes, it's been a minute since I've changed the water.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
because they would probably just give you whatever pills you wanted.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. So what are you going to have at this one in New Orleans? I'm excited.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
terrible everything was that just happened in la that that hopefully everyone will go run and like we can raise some good money for it where's it at it's at hang on i know where it's at all of a dum-dum park autodum park autodum park at 9 a.m what time are you running
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're going to run at 9 a.m.? I don't know, whatever time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What music do you listen to? I listen to everything. I was like... Because you still are kind of like... You're the person, and maybe Tommy Lee, but you a little more so, were the first person to introduce me to the fact that drums are in everything. They are. Like, I didn't know that until I see you on something. And like, I think I saw you with Post Malone and do it during the pandemic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I like you just would. And it was like so cool that I was like, you really are into everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I show you something?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Last night. Look, you guys can edit this out if you want. I don't give a fuck. Last night we did Tony Hawk and Jason Ellis' podcast. Oh, cool. Live. I know both of them very well. And I said to Jason Ellis, I said to Tony one time, I want to learn how to ollie. I'm a big skateboarder, but I never learned how to ollie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And once you learn how to ollie, you really open the door to a lot of fun in skateboarding. And I'm too old. So last night... They said, you still can't ollie? And they said, I want to see how bad your ollie is. So they brought a board on stage, okay? So this is last night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now, mind you, Tony Hawk has always told me, I can get you to ollie in five, if you give me five minutes, I can get you to ollie. Whoa. Okay? So this is them. That's Ari Shafir bringing out a board, okay? And the first one you'll see is my weak-ass ollie, okay? So that's me on the board. By the way, I'm pretty drunk. Okay, and then that's my attempt at an ollie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now, Tony Hawk says, okay, let me help you. I'm going to hold you back, and I want you to try it again. Okay, 52, never ollied in my life. Take a look. Dude, I fucking ollie'd.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And you're drunk. And I'm drunk. Wow. I texted Tony Hawk. It looks like he pushed you forward so your board went up, you know? So you know what he did? He said, when you ollie, you're moving backwards because you're scared. An ollie is a forward motion. So I just need you to move forward. So he just moved me forward. Whoa. That's amazing. Dude. That was a good ollie. Thank you. That's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like show me, like not show me, but like where? I'm looking at your arms and they don't look that bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I woke up this morning and I texted him and Jason. I said, I woke up a different man. I, Ollie. That was so cool. It's so cool when you learn how to, like, do you remember?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's great. It sucks that I can only Ollie with Tony Hawk. So I need him. I need him in order to skate.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was up all night thinking of ways I can Ollie. I go, so if I put my dip rack in my bed and I, and I just, I got to practice my Ollie. That's so good. Dude, it's like crazy. Do you remember when you learned how to play drums when you first started and you're like with your feet? I think the feet's the hardest thing about the drums, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And it doesn't feel like work. Yeah. And what you said is like when you're the confidence, like when you put your 10,000 hours into something and someone's like, Hey, do you want to try this? And you're like, I feel confident. I'm ready to try this in front of everyone. Yeah. It's a cool feeling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was pretty incredible. And I tell you what, I just... You guys were all... like the MTV famous group where it's like you did your cribs and you guys all, didn't he like date Nicole Richie or something? And like, so like that was like the whole Paris, like, and I always, you know, I always found that, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I always found that very cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I know you're all my age, but I looked at you guys like, God, that would be cool to be a part of that life and be a part of these scenes. The closest I ever got is I went to, Rod Stewart's daughter had a party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. And they took away the caviar from me. I didn't know you could. I liked it, and so I was just eating it. And they're like, that's not for you. That's the only part. That's the only clothes I ever got. But I'm not that kind of person. But I always thought you guys were all so cool. I thought it was cool. Like, I remember seeing you had an Escalade, and I was like, oh, that's bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wanted an Escalade, but I was bored. I was like, those are like cool dreams. Like you're at your cribs and you show your cars in your house. I was like, oh, let's go on with that. That'd be badass.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I ran into them. So good. I ran into them on Sunset at the hotel right across the street from the store. I forget the name. I ran into them in like 2000, in 2000. Right at their high. And it's Lil Wayne, Juvie, and BG. So hard. They were so good. I geeked out. I had a chick with me and I was like, you can beat it. I was like- I was like, yo, Wody, what's up? So good. God, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a really stupid question, but were they mindful to just get the whole tattoo done?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who's your favorite celebrity you ever met? I know it's gotta be weird, because it's like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is there someone in music where you met and you kind of geeked out and you're like, oh, shut the fuck up?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God, Prince was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think I stopped. I was pretty geeked out to meet you. I was curious what car you were going to drive in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you had one tour... I do this thing. I'm not good at it. What I do is I ask a question, then I answer it. Yeah. So you understand what I'm asking? I do the same thing. My partner, Tom Segura, says it's called making it all about myself. But it seems like I only ask questions so I can answer it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But if you had one tour that you look back and you go, oh, I could do that exact tour for the rest of my life. Like, how many tours have you guys done? Like, probably 20? I've done so many, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Cypress, Blink, and No Doubt? Yeah, it was a cool tour. And were you supposed to weed then? That was like a moment in time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Watching her and Bradley Noel. Oh. yeah, Sublime. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My daughter, Ada, just texted the other day. She's like, I need Deftone tickets. And I was like, I'll pay for those.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So many great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know? I put on, do you ever put on like when, when, when you're Alabama and Rocky are you two young, two, two. from your first marriage? Rocky's from my marriage right now. Marriage right now. Rocky's two.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you know how sometimes you see a video on Instagram and it's someone in a wheelchair? And you always go like, man, I can't imagine that being me. Was there a part where when it first started, you were like, wait, this is fucking me? This isn't my story. I mean, for sure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
14 months, okay. Okay, I thought you said 14 and I was like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you remember, and maybe they were numb to it because I put in comedy for my kids and they kind of deconstruct it not in a fun way. And they're like, I put Mitch Hedberg in and they were like, is he high? And I was like, well, yeah. And they're like, okay, so we're laughing because he's high. And they go, wait, is he still alive? And I go, no. Like, how did he die?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said, it was a drug overdose. And they're like, so this is kind of sad. And I'm like, fuck, never mind. I'm not listening to comedy with you guys. I'm not going to play prior for you, I guess. But I put in a banger song for Isla, who's really into punk music. I was like, you ever heard Pennywise? She was like, no. And I put in Bro-Him. And it's a guy-centric song. Yeah, very. But... So good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she was like, oh. And then I hit pause and I explained the song. And then she was like, okay, start it over. Yeah, it has a lot of meaning too. It has a fucking lot of meaning. The fucking look on her face when she came home, she's like... have you ever heard of Blink-182? And I was like, oh, baby, fuck yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I wanted to be like, because when we grew up, you were fans of a band, and all you had to do was dreams. You'd read the liner notes and be like, ooh, what is this guy like? Even fucking Jonathan Davis from Korn, even then, the internet wasn't big. You're like, why does he have HIV tattooed on his arm? Yeah. And then I was like, oh baby, you can listen to podcasts these guys have done.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They are fucking fascinating. And she was like, I'm obsessed with Blink-182. That's so cool. It's cool to share that shit with your kids. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. It's crazy. So how do you make tuna fish salad? I make it out of chickpeas.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. Hold on one second. So tell me, I was just joking. Yeah. Because I asked Matthew McConaughey how he made his, it was the dumbest question I've ever had, and apparently went viral. But wait, how do you make your tuna fish salad?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And then do you put any pickles or anything?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, hold on. Hold on. So I went vegan. You did? Oh, God. Let me slow down. I'm so excited. I've never told anyone this story. I'm sure I have. I don't know. I have a story I haven't told. I'm in Miami, Florida, and I'm done with it. And we're coming off tour, and I'm like, I'm fucking done. I'm done with me. I'm done with my lifestyle.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't change everything, but I know I can change one thing, and that's how I eat. I said, I'm going vegan. And everyone's like, bullshit. And I said, I'm going vegan. And it lasted four hours, but only because, oh, hold on, no, but it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault. I didn't know pasta's not vegan. So I had pasta, no sauce, no nothing, just had pasta.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Guy next to me is like, well, you got a dietary problem? And I was like, no, I'm vegan. And he goes, I hate to break your heart, but pasta's not vegan. And I was like, okay, so I still counted it. I was trying. So I came home. And I'll tell you that here's my – I made a vegan meatloaf, and it was bananas. It was so good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And my daughter – I didn't tell my daughters or my wife it was vegan meatloaf. I just made it. And they're like, this is good. What is it? And I was like, just keep eating. And then they were like, this is really good. And I was like, it's vegan meatloaf. And they were like, ugh. And I was like, no, you liked it before I told you it was vegan. Yeah, you just can't tell them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and then you can use – what is the – I use – Yeast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've been carnivore for almost a year and a half.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I would go vegan. I would love to have you on my cooking show and make a vegan meal for you. Yeah, let's do it. Who would you want as your co-guest? I get to pick one? Yeah. Oh, cool. Anyone you want. Let me think about that. Bring the sister with the plane.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's cool. Yeah, I'd love to have you on my cooking show. Yeah, I would love to. You pick whoever you want. It doesn't have to be a famous person, just someone you like to hang with and vibe with. I'll probably drink, but you're cool with me drinking, right? Of course. Yeah, okay, yeah, cool. Of course. Yeah, awesome. I can be around anything. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Buddy, you sound, like, as a guy, when did I, I must have found you in 2000, I'm guessing, right? Is that when, 1997 maybe? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
1999, I discovered you. I've watched your journey. I've watched your reality show. I've watched you on Cribs. I mean, all of it. All of it. I mean, all of it. You've been a public figure... whether you've wanted to or not, things have happened to you where you just got thrust into the public. And man, you are the coolest dude I've ever fucking met.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's a couple guys I've met in life where I go, I want that. I want a little bit of that. Like McConaughey, guy can charm the pants off fucking Putin. Yeah, he's so good. He's so good. So good. He's so good. But just looking at your eyes and how you're just so present and grounded and just relaxed, I was like, okay. Maybe there's something to being vegan or getting drugs out of my life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll tell you this. My daughters have both seen Shane Gillis live, and they didn't have the same look after seeing Blink-182.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like so much about him you know but it is it's like it's being a comedian couldn't be cooler than it is right now it's pretty cool it's pretty fucking it's pretty cool it's pretty cool i love it i love it and but you know much like you getting into drums just because that was your thing and you were better at that than skating it's like i got into comedy you know in like 97 90 probably 99 98 and i just got into it because i just like i was like i don't
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like it. There was no career in it. Yeah, you're just funny as fuck. It's not what it was. What it is today isn't what it was then. I just dug it and I thought it was like counterculture and it was like a way to like... I like telling stories, and it was a fun way to tell stories.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's cool to watch your kids, like watch my oldest daughter, Georgia, saw Shane for the first time, and this has got to be like three years ago, four years ago. It was before he was famous, and he had this great joke. It's now in one of his specials about... going to a old plantation, a reenactment plantation, and the black guy coming up. And it's in its bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not going to do the bit, but it's pretty aggressive and it's pretty fucking hilarious. My daughter Georgia is Alabama's age. And she heard it and was like, she's a little woke. And she went, whoa. I said, what? She goes, you're not allowed to say that. I was like, why not? She goes, you're getting in trouble. I go, did you think it was funny? She's like, yeah, but I can't laugh at that, can I?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, yeah. She's like, you can laugh at that? And I was like, yeah, baby, that's the whole point of comedy is like, you got to push the boundaries and you got to, the things you're not supposed to say are the things to say. And that's what's great about Shane. She was like, Okay, the next night, her and her friend Daisy are crying laughing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Next thing you know, all the girls are back at our house, and Shane's Beautiful Dogs comes out, fucking 15 girls in our screening room, and they're watching Beautiful Fucking Dogs. 15 girls watching Beautiful Dogs, and they're like, he's the goat, and I was like, eh, I got specials on there too, girls.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, I'm not into cars, but the kind of cars you're into, I'm into. Nice. And I have a fear of flying. Let's fucking go. Let's go. Dude, so real quick. Let's talk about running. Okay. You ran the Two Bears 5K. I did.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was roasting the Bones Brigade last night. Steve Cavallaro was like, God, he looks like one of those cholos that took up painting. And I'm going like, I hope these work. The best of the best. And this is for only like me and you will get this and the Bones Brigade. And I was like, you guys were cool, but let's be real. Your early skate videos kind of looked like Al Qaeda training videos.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
like search for animal channel all that stuff and I go you're doing these moves where you go dude that's so funny but yeah comedy's fun as fuck but it's not but dude you should be able to watch it and kind of escape from reality yeah and just you know disappear that's the best compliment you ever get is yo man I've been going through some stuff it's been really rough
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And is that why you're putting on these 5Ks? Because Jelly and I were talking about it today, and he was like, I don't know why Trav's doing this. He's like, I don't know if he realizes he's saving lives. Like your fans, there are fans of yours that go, I might get the chance to meet him. You know what, I'm gonna train for a 5K. And then they get in shape or maybe they fall in love with it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I haven't laughed in a while. But I went to your show and I totally forgot about my problems. And just thanks. And that's like the thing. And I mean, that's a gift. But what I'm telling you when I listen to your music, it's beautiful to throw on a Blink-182 song and fucking run like you guys did in your underwear. Like it's to run and just like fucking...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And get lost and put it on and throw the windows down and put the heat on in your car at night and speed. That's the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'll tell you right now, I think what you're doing... with these 5Ks is the coolest damn thing. And I'm not saying that because we were also doing it. I'm saying that because I just think the more people should do these because it's a great way to build community. It's a great way to get your fans involved and get them healthy. And that's the most important thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As someone who's been through so many health traumas as yourself, The idea that you... How beautiful is it that your fucking legs work and you can get yourself out there and you get to have sun hit your face and it's awesome.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to have a huge flag February, February, when's February 7th? Next February. This Friday. This comes out Monday. This Friday, February 7th. I will be running on the 9 o'clock run. Go to runtravisrun.com. Runtravisrun.com. I will be running. If you're a fan of mine and you want to run with me, find me. I will be at registration. I will have a huge flag.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like when the Asian people travel in Europe, I'll have a huge flag, and you can find me, and you can run with me, and we'll go at a moderate pace. We'll do a 10-minute mile. Fuck, we'll do a 12-minute mile if everyone wants. And we'll have fun, and we'll have a blast, because that's what it's all about. And we'll feel healthy, and hopefully this starts a journey for you to get healthier.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if your husband is overweight, and you're listening to this right now, and you're like, God damn it, I need to get him off the couch, and you're in New Orleans, you meet me, go to runtravisrun.com, and you meet me at 9 a.m. on the 7th, and I will fucking run with you. And you're not going to be able to keep up with Travis, but... You fly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Shit, never mind. Don't show up. I'm running next to Travis and his wife. I'm running at her pace. I want to just be on her pace. Jesus Christ. I've never met a Kardashian. God, I'd be nervous. I would want you to watch me meet your wife. I'll say the inappropriate thing. It's like, I've been such a fan since you were a child. She'll be like, huh? I really like Chloe. No, she's the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, your wife is pretty badass. That whole fucking family is awesome. And if you want, please come to Tampa May 4th. We're going to be doing the Two Bears 5K. Jelly will be there. I'll be there. And you're playing with Jelly tonight? Mm-hmm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they go out and run your 5K, which the one you did in LA was everywhere. Everyone talked about that. That was like the hottest 5K. I mean, it's like, I'm into 5Ks. I'm into races. I grew up running. My dad ran marathons. So I grew up going to them. Okay, what's your favorite? Okay, hold on. What's your favorite race to run? I don't have one. Like, no, like what distance?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah it's it's yes yeah and jelly singing it like oh it's so good yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be awesome can't wait dang i'm going uh i'm going saturday he's doing a benefit another benefit saturday nice i gotta i gotta my sister's birthday's today i've always been to buy a bunch of tickets and then my sister's like what about my birthday i was like do you want to go see jelly she was like no i was like okay so i'm making her steaks and then uh
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dead on Friday. Jelly on Saturday. Chinese New Year's on Sunday. New Orleans on Monday. Your race on Friday. I'm fucking there. Cool. When do you go back after New Orleans? Do you leave that night? I'll leave like the next day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How about this? I'll give you my number and then I'll text you when I'm flying. Yeah. And just, I'll do the same. Cause if you're not flying, you're confident. Yeah. Like you can easily know I'll be on a plane and I'll be okay. And you just be like, Hey man. It's nothing. Four hours. You got this. Yeah. I'll tell you what. I'm going to sleep right now. I'll text you when I wake up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I'll be like – because that's part of the things is like that buddy thing. Totally. John Mayer one time texted me and he was like, I know you're afraid of flying. Read this article. And I was like, you really don't know me that well. I don't read. I was like, is it a podcast? That's so funny. Dude, I love you. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, I love you too, man. Thank you for having me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Clip that out. That's our promo.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I mean, the half marathon's pretty cool. Half marathon fucking gangster. Yeah. It's the best race.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was it Cam Haines?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what I do on a 5K? I find a nice ass and I follow it. There you go, dude. It'll get you through like the, when you get to like mile 20, mile 22 on the LA marathon. Yeah. I'm running down Sepulveda. I don't even like driving down Sepulveda. Running down it is a bitch, right? There's nothing to look at.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nothing. But a great ass right in front of me. And it was a grown woman, like an executive type ass. But it was nice. Jogging pants on, like long. And it's the 22 miles. That's where the make it or break it. And I'm watching dudes fall off to the side like zombies. Like sitting on the corner. Their legs are seizing up. And that woman shit her pants. In front of me. And it went down and up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The crown is yours.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
they're like dude showed up like Forrest Gump ran fast as shit and bounced and we were like damn Tom was like I got to meet him it was pretty cool dude I always had an eye out for you but you were incognito you were like hoodie on yeah I had a hoodie on I didn't really know I'm not like a I'm not like a runner that knows what to wear or what I'm supposed to do I'm just like I just started running one day very Forrest Gump like really you know yeah wait what like I know why I run
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How many marathons have you done? One. I'll never do another one. Really? I'll never do another one. It was, I did it. I did it out of a bet with Joe because Joe didn't think I, Joe said, you can't run a marathon. And I was like, I can do it with no training. I was like, in my head, I was like, the Native Americans walked from Florida, Oklahoma. I think I can, the human body is impressive.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so, I mean, I don't think I had the same motivation they did, but I said, you know, I think I can. I can run a marathon, no training. And so I went out and ran the LA Marathon with no training. And it was, it felt good. But I enjoyed the half marathon the most. Half marathon was the same lift, in my opinion, with a better party afterwards. 5K... Is like Chinese food. It's great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
How A Plane Crash Changed Travis Barker's Life | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone loves it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I gotta tell you, Dave... Dave does... I wonder if people... We're gambling people. Would you have put your money on Dave Portnoy to succeed when you met him in high school?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you did drink a ton of water. So much water. Oh, the fucking bartender last night comes up to me and she goes, uh, water bomb. I said, what? She goes, water bomb. It's our trick. Kill it. And she just kept handing me like a, not a full glass, just like a little glass of water. And we kept killing water. And I was like, nice. Yeah. And that's how we stayed hydrated.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, what was I going to say before that? Oh, God damn it. No, but we drank a ton of vodka. We had our heads back on the bar and they were pouring shots in our mouth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I found my girl last night. Who? I got to share this. I said this last night. So every night, girls, when we do this, girls put their heads back and we pour shots in their mouth. I am astounded at how great dentistry is in America. Dentistry? I'm just amazed at how many sets of perfect teeth I look at. Perfect teeth. Now, I have a thing. I have a fucked up mouth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat when I was a kid. I have like 26 fake teeth, like posts. And then some are bonded. Some are crowns. My molars are shit. Like, I have a real fucked up mouth. I often think the day I die, I'll go, well, thank God I didn't have to get dental work. You know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and so that's a really cool outlook one of the craziest things i have is i have these bumps in at the bottom of my mouth they're like i can show them to you but they're kind of crazy and i know i have them but i and i kind of i don't hide them but i've never seen anyone have them i owe it under your tongue under my tongue i'll show you it's kind of creepy and my mouth is fucking sucks but
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. What are those? Okay, so I've never known. I've never known. They showed up in college is when I first noticed them. I had like a bump. I played with it and I was like, what the fuck is that? And I was dipping at the time. I was like, fuck, it's cancer. And then another one showed up. I was like, god damn, it's really cancer. And now I have four. And my sister. Wait, she has them?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My sister has them. My sister, Coddy, has them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and I've gone to dentists, and I've asked them about them. Some people have them. That's it? I'm sure it's a condition or whatever, but dentists have never said anything. They don't affect anything. They don't affect anything, but I have these bumps. Well, I have always looked, when we pour shots in girls' mouths, for someone that has my bumps. Like, I've always looked for it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to say no. I'm going to say no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Last night, girl fucking, I think it's a girl with a vibrator. She puts her mouth back, and I see my bumps. And I go, I got the same mouth you do. And she immediately knew what I was talking about. And we started talking, and her boyfriend jumped in. He's like, easy, that's my girlfriend. I go, no, no, no, no, no. I go, you know what I'm talking about. And I showed her, and she went, ah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to say no, and I'm going to say the same about Big Cat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
never seen that i was like that's me and you we're like like what if that's the way that's the way we're we're the highlanders or the outliers or whatever it's so crazy i've never seen anyone that had them and i'm like god damn it and did she share anything about them or just no it's too loud i wanted to talk to her about them and go like they're just benign they're just bumps do you know dude have you seen these
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I'm going to fucking, I'm tying one on. Are you? Yeah, I'm done. I had a really great run of not drinking. How long? Eight days. Get on a plane for Hawaii. I have two drinks for takeoff. Fly. Sober. Land. No booze. At the hotel. No cocktail. Sleep. Wake up. Feel amazing. Workout. Amazing. Comedy is... The reason I will be alive is because of comedy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do two shows in Hawaii, two nights in Hawaii. Oh, I didn't know you were doing shows. Yeah, yeah. My stand-up sucks. And it's so bad, I can't even tell you. Everyone in Hawaii, thank you for coming out. I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry. No, stop. I mean, I'm just... I have nothing. I have no tentpole story I'm working on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Usually when I build an hour, I usually have something really great when I'm building it, something really great that I can go, at least I got that. And then I got two things I'm working on and I go, at least they'll see that. They'll know that that was what I was working on. I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, I got one story that's... I got a couple stories that are okay, but like... When did your special come out? March? Yeah, and I took... I made a mistake. I took 11 months off, and I should have never done that. No, I think you did the right thing. I think I'm so far removed from stand-up that like... It really is the first time in my life where it's taking a minute to get the rust off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's fine, though. That's good. And the people in Hawaii were awesome. I opened with a fucking... I opened with a James Cook, the women of Hawaii joke. How'd that land? Not well. What's the angle on it? Like, I wish I was James Cook? No, I said, you know, one of my favorite stories about James Cook, and everyone's like, we're not huge fans of that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, this isn't going to go over well. I was like, you know, I mean it is a funny story. Yeah, they pull up to Hawaii, right? Yeah, and James cooks. I don't whisper anymore Okay, James cooks like this is ASMR. Okay, James cooks like to the guys on his boat He's like, all right. Listen, we all have syphilis and we'll have rickets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so no one I'm not letting you guys on this fucking island and they're like, but we need fruit. He's like, okay Fruit and water. That's it. I'm gonna send to you fucking people. I have one rule Don't fuck the women. And they go, what about the fruit? Okay, two rules. Bring back fruit. Don't fuck the women. Two rules, that's it. Two you go. You understand me, two rules.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they go, yeah, boss, we got it. He's like, great. Sends them in a boat. They come back in the boat. And he's like, how did it go? And they're like, well, you're not going to be happy. I'm like, what? And they're like, we fucked a couple women. So now they have syphilis, so we might as well just go fuck them. That's what I opened with in Hawaii. And they were like, yeah, we know. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, fucking shit. And you're like, that's one of my favorite stories. I just think it's so funny that I just thought... When I heard that story, I thought it made me giggle. They didn't like it. And then I... By the end of the week, you know, it's like you get the rust off yourself. I opened my first show Thursday with that. And then... By the end of the week, I was like, fuck James Cook.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, yeah! And I was like, do you want to know the craziest thing about James Cook? He couldn't swim. Seriously? He couldn't swim. He's out navigating the world? Navigating the world. And apparently that was a tactic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Keep your sailors like you didn't want sailors who could swim Wanted sailors who couldn't swim then they really gave a fuck about make no one abandoned the boat right and so Yeah, they he tried to take someone hostage and then they chased him in the water bludgeoned and death and he couldn't get to the boat He couldn't swim to the boat. That's how he died. Yeah and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I started getting... I don't know if it's pandering, but there's an island called Nihao. Do you know that island? It's privately owned by a white dude. And he has not let... Anyone on that island. There's like 80 Indigenous people like real Hawaiians.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They sound different They talk different and they live on that islands the furthest island west in Hawaii And it's just they bought it for ten fucking grand back in the day when you could Well, I know they're not big fans of Zuck Zuckerberg Steve Case They all own, like Steve Carey owns.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we did a... I'm so hungover. We did a bar takeover, and we got Fun Tom. This is the beauty about owning a vodka company with Tom, is Fun Tom shows up every time we do a bar takeover. Every fucking time. Every fucking time Tom ends up on stage. I mean, I just want to tell you how beautiful the women of Chicago are. We walked into the Old Crow Smokehouse last night. In Wrigleyville, yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Larry Ellison owns. That guy's. Lanai. Yeah, he owns 98% of Lanai. Yeah. And by the way, looks like a villain. I mean, honestly, looks like, you know when Schultz does his thing with his mustache? Yeah, yeah. It looks like that guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you think Schultz knows that he's doing the villain thing when he rolls his mustache like that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
don't know it's probably it's like it's like it's like i always wanted to ask him because it is a it is a it is the it is the villain thinking move yeah and he does it so much i think it's probably unconscious it's like it's like if i was just like anyway you know what i'm saying like just it's like hold your thoughts yeah yeah that's good maybe i'll start doing you should start doing that that would be perfect wait i have a question yeah yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tom Segura. They gave him James Cook rules, okay? We have two rules, guys. Number one, do not mention Pearl Harbor. Number two, do not make fun of the Hawaiians. Tom goes on stage and goes, I got bad news. He goes, opening joke. They said island life is slow. I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms. Wow, you guys are fat. I got lost walking around Pearl Harbor today.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Lucky I ran into a couple Japanese folks. They really know this space like the back of their hand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's so crazy. We're teaching these guys to kill. Yeah. Like ultimately, we go to the military, we're like, yo, I think the rule was, and correct me if I'm wrong, I am quoting that They were taught, if it's brown and it moves, kill it. That was one of the things we heard. Yeah. But don't curse in front of them. Yeah, don't curse. If it's brown and it moves. Russell Peters came on late. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was the closing act. Yeah, we're like, you're brown. And Tom leans over to me and he goes... Russell Peters is closing this out and they are taught if it's brown and it moves, kill it. And Russell Peters is walking way too much on stage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are we talking about Charlie? Well, yeah, yeah. My God. That was, you know what? This is an ad by BetterHelp. Men today face immense pressures to perform, to provide, to keep it all together. So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S. suffer from depression every year, and it's often going undiagnosed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In Wrigleyville, and a woman... Behind the bar, in front of the bar, handed me a remote control and said, press the button. And I went, okay. And I pressed it, and she went, huh. I said, what? She goes, I have a vibrator in my vagina. That turns it on. And I went, let me get my friend real quick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bears. That's betterhelp.com slash bears. The beauty of having... I'm bummed I didn't make more friends long ago, you know?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I left all my Tampa friends when I moved to New York, and when I moved to New York, I have a bunch of New York friends that I started comedy with, but we never really kept in touch the way... You're probably my closest friend that I've been in touch with that hasn't drugged me or...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, like, but like, even like Joe, I've known Joe long enough where I can't like, but I've known you longer than I've known Joe. And the funny thing, the great thing about life is when you're experiencing something and you giggle about something that happened a long time ago and it makes you smile and you go, God, memories. It's a cool thing about having kids.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When we were at this, we were in Justin Hawaii, obviously, and we were stayed at the Four Seasons, which used to be the Oholani. I don't remember. It used to be. A Marriott property. A Marriott property that Tom and I, that's where Leanne and Christina met. Yeah. And that's where Tom and I did these shows. Whenever you ever did the Pearl Harbor, you stayed there. It's really nice. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's amazing. It's got little lagoons that are man-made, and they made them in 1977 before the government would be like, yo, you can't do that. Like all the coolest parts of America, the government got in the way of. Like all of Coral Gables, where it's just like these beautiful canals and everything, that was just dudes going like, you get dynamite. Let's just make fucking rivers. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This guy, the guy that owned all that property, he still, I think he still owns a piece of that property. He owned all the west side. And they were like, you're never gonna, or the leeward side of Hawaii. They were like, you're never gonna, no one's ever gonna build here because it doesn't rain here. It's dry, it's bullshit. You know, there's no waves. It's the leeward side.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he was like, eh, I'll see. He's like, I bet they'd like it if there were lagoons. Yeah. And they're like, what are you gonna do with that? And he goes, get some dynamite. And he dynamited four lagoons. And then on the fourth one, they were like, yo, you gotta stop. This is insane. He's just blowing up terrain. And he's just making these amazing, they're gorgeous.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to do a show about your dad. I know, I know. You have to do a show about your dad. Just that, I didn't mean to, I meant to interrupt. Yeah, yeah. But no, but just that, out of bad thoughts, my favorite episode, my favorite thing is the fucking talent show. Oh, thanks. But Sarah's got a new special, and she talks about her dad a lot. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And man, there's something, especially when you've lost that parent. the reminiscing about that parent. I watched Sarah's special. It's so good. I want to see it. But I love hearing stories about your dad. I love it because it's like... I don't know. It's like, keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ladies, ladies, that's the move. I'm telling you right now. You want to own a man's inner dialogue for the rest of the night? That is the move. If you are a party fun girl, you do that. And you go to a bar. You're in college. You find a guy. Give him the remote and say, I'll see you in like 10 minutes. And that guy will do nothing but think about you. I woke up thinking about her.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, we met FBI agents. We met FBI agents. We met the guy that arrested Jesse Smollett.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's not a city slicker.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Leanne's what they call a rube, right? Like if you take her to the big city, she's going to lose majority of her savings in a shell game. Yeah. So like, and that, that's, that's the country in her, but it shows up on the internet. So like Leanne is the person on the internet that, that goes, hold on, have you seen this? And he shows you, and it's clearly, it's like a stage video.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And one of the most staged videos I've seen is... A cop pulls over a black woman, and he's just fucking, license, registration. He's being a dick, right? And the black woman clearly is just going like, okay, okay. But it says, cop pulls over federal judge. Have you seen this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he goes, get out of the car. And then she's wearing her judge's gown. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
as a dude who grew up with a lawyer father who went to court on days he was sick i would go to court with my dad they don't walk home in the court in the judge outfit yeah they leave it in the court they it is something they put on they don't fucking that's like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
pulling over a doctor and he pulls out his stethoscope he's like excuse me so sorry what were you saying and leon goes you see this i pulled over a federal judge and i was like baby it's not real she goes what do you mean it's not real like what's not real she goes i'm looking at it and i go no it's staged then why would they stage that there's so many stage videos to outrage you and she goes what he just did it because she's black and i went no baby that's
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not a real thing. They know what you're thinking in bed, that you want to see someone misbehave and then get called on his shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why are you wearing a judge's outfit? But you're black.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hang on, you're black. You shouldn't be a... Hold on, you're a female.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. So I'm a production guy, Tom. It's my third high noon. How do you like it? Fucking really good. They're very tasty. I don't even feel buzz yet. I feel like gambling. It's like what Barstool is about. Yeah. It's fucking brilliant. This is fucking brilliant. I hate that they figured this out before me. I'm fucking stunned. Because I mean this with respect. I hope this comes out with respect.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I woke up... I'm pretty sure her boyfriend...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I'm a meathead. And I'm more of a meathead than that. Right. I'm the ultimate fucking meathead. White privilege. I got it all. I got it all. They outdid me at my own game. I didn't even know we were playing the goddamn game. That's right. I'm so fucking stunned that like... Yeah, but you still were able to... I've done good for myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But to see what they've done, this facility, I keep going back to that. Let's talk. Can I keep going? Because I hate that the internet kind of like... it encapsulates what we all feel. Yeah. It's almost like they're like, it's tarot cards. Like they're going like, like they feed you shit. They're like, Hey, do you feel like black people are a little mouthy? And you're like, huh?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, she had a boyfriend.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Watch Angel Reese. What do you think about that? And then you're like, what the fuck, man? She can't even make... I was talking with fucking fuck-facing numbnuts last night, Pete and Kyle, at dinner, and they're like, did you see... This is what made me upset. Did you see all her air balls she has, Angel Reese? Do you see all her air balls? All her misses? I go, guys...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You could do that for any athlete. You could just show every time they miss. Someone just put that together and go, no, she misses all the time. I go, no, she doesn't. Obviously, she's in the WNBA. She must be pretty good. She has to sink one or two to be in the WNBA. I don't know if that's a rule. I don't know anything about WNBA. But they just made a compiled compilation video of her misses.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, fuck yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you can make a miss video for anybody. But I go, I hate that the internet does that because they go... Are you kind of racist? Yeah. A little racist? You know, like black women, right? Black guys you're cool with, but the women, right? Check this out. And then they feed it to you, and then it serves an inner dialogue to you. Yeah, you're right. You're right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like, honestly, this... And here's the thing is, I really like Caitlyn Clark. I really like her, but I know the way this works. It's going to reshift. Like the Angel Reese versus Caitlin Clark thing is like Apollo Creed versus fucking Rocky. It keeps going, too. And I want to tell Angel Reese, shut the fuck up. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Don't say a fucking word.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go Marshawn Lynch on them. Just don't say a fucking word. Because everything she says, they fucking take and use against her. And I bought an Angel Reese jersey. She plays for the Chicago Sky. I fucking bought a jersey yesterday. You did? Yeah, fuck yeah. I'm not going to wear it, but it's an XL. It doesn't fit. That was a lot. That was a lot, man. They did it with Meghan Markle?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Meghan Markle's kind of out of my mind. She's kind of crazy, dude. Dude, the second I talked about Meghan Markle, all my feed was was Meghan Markle. Yeah. You watching that show amazed me. I can't stop. I watched it on the plane. When she corrects, dude, she corrects like... Mindy Kaling, is that her name? Mindy Kaling. What's her name? Yeah. Mindy Kaling? Kellig? Kellig? Kayling? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's like the most woke person in the world, right? She's never done anything wrong. She's a woman, woman of color. She's like, fuck it. She's overweight. She's skinny. She checks all the boxes of like, can't offend you at all, right? Yeah, yeah. And she fucking offended Meghan Markle by calling her Meghan Markle. What do you mean? Dude is so good. Did you see this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, she says something simple like, I can't believe, I bet no one would think Meghan Markle likes peanut butter and jellies. And then Meghan Markle goes, you should still call me Markle. I'm Sussex. And you can see Kelly like, what the fuck? Why are we doing this? Like, yo, I didn't say the N word. Like, what the fuck are you doing, bitch? Like, what the fuck? She, it's so good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Chastises her for, she's not joking? No. And it's, and by the way, I'm a ride or die for H&M, right? H&M? That's what I call them. That's what they call each other. Oh, Jesus. It's so good, Tom. It's so good. Like, I honestly, I think that people are, I think I might be the smartest man in the world. And I think that I can transcend fucking what, I think I can transcend things and enjoy misery.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think I can enjoy the fucking horrors. of projects. Like, this show is so rewatchable. Because of... It's a disaster? It's... Is it a hate watch? You can't... See, I would argue it's not even a hate watch. You just gotta get into it. You gotta know the characters. It's like The Office. It really is like The Office. I'm being serious. It's so... She cannot get out of her way. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I've watched every episode. Like Ricky Gervais' character. Like that. Right? But you gotta be... You gotta go... You gotta get out of the internet and go... I'm not gonna just hate her because she was on Scrubs or whatever. Suits? Suits, yeah. She was on Suits, I'm Married to Prince, and I don't believe a lot of her. Get out of that. Get into the fact that it is The Office.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it's for real life. It is real life. If Ricky Gervais created this character, you would laugh hysterically. Right, you'd be like this. And I really, and I'm joking myself, I'm the smartest man in the world, but I'm not really, but like... But I really think I've transcended it and I've enjoyed. I enjoy. I watched it again on the plane. Again. I giggle. I giggle. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're going to make me try it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
with love with love with love she's trying to be um martha stewart right dude i i mean it makes me want to re-watch old martha stewart's clips because you know martha stewart was a little bit out there like they used to do parodies of her on snl oh they were so good yeah yeah she's a badass though actually yes she really is dude can i tell you what sucks for women is that they fade
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just... It's like watching Superman get locked out of his house. Women specifically fade? What about guys? Nope, we get better. I told this to Leanne. We're taking a walk. And I noticed like, well, I'm famous, but I noticed people looking at me like when we were walking. I noticed like these young girls saw me and then they giggled and then they were like, oh my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then they came and ran over and they're like, are you? And I was like, yeah. I'm like, can we get, oh my God. And their energy was in. And I noticed like, I mean, it sounds a little shitty, but like, I noticed like not a lot of young boys were doing that to Leanne. I said to Leanne, I said, I said, it's kind of crazy. Like- It's kind of crazy that like, and we had just seen the conclave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said, Isabella Rossellini, I was stuck on this. Isabella Rossellini, we would have cut a finger off to fuck. And now you look at her and you go, but 10 years ago, 10 years ago, we'd punch her wife in the teeth to have a chance with her in bed. 10 years ago. She's still beautiful. She's still beautiful, but...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was going to say, you got to get one. No, because I think we've been with each other too long. I just do it right as the guy goes, yeah, well, can I get you to drink? I'd hit it. She's like, I'm going to take a, hold on, cold beer, cold beer. Dude, I wish they had those for guys. They do. They do? Yeah. No, not, I don't want to. No, not in your ass. I mean, for your dick. For real? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it is inevitable with women of faith and with men we kind of our stock increases especially if you make money and you're you know a little gray looks sexy and you know i got jocked by these i got shocked by these young girls in hawaii it's right when leanne left leanne left i was only leaving two hours after her but i went down to the beach i had a cocktail i was telling pete this last night and these girls came out and wanted were talking to me and they're like are you are you here by yourself and i was like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, oh, my wife just left. And they didn't know I was leaving in an hour. They were like, oh, what are you doing for dinner tonight? I was like, I don't know. I should have been like, I'm having it on the plane. But, you know, I was like, I don't know. Like, you should come with us. And I was like, oh, no, I'm leaving in an hour. And they're like, oh, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I was like, that's, it's just so odd. Now I'm buzzed. It's so odd that like. For women, it's just, it's inevitable. It happens to all of them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I almost envy ugly chicks because they never had it. Right. Yeah. Like what's, what's better to have it and lose it or to never have it and never know what it was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
when you were younger? No, I've only fucked... I only fucked who would fuck me. No, I'm sure that you would not love my list, but... No, but did you ever like... I've only had sex with six chicks. Right, but was one of them, did you ever go like... No, no, never. Hey, you're not that attractive. You didn't say it, but you did. No, I fell in love with all of them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I love... I said, I love you to all of them. Even the one night stand, I said, I love you. And she was like, what? Fucking only fuck people I love.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm broken. I'm the reason. That's the reason the internet hates me at times is because I've said everything. I'm just broken. I'm fucking... I'm sorry.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never even made out with an ugly chick, I don't think. Really? I don't think so. But it took me so... I... It took me so much to kiss a girl. Yeah. That I was like... I don't want to fucking deal with the fucking rejection. No, I'm going to say it. Oh, God. I'm like envious side of a buddy in high school and college. Let's just call him Chris. And he just kissed everyone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He tried to kiss everyone. Like every night, just leaned in to kiss everyone. I was like, what are you doing? And he was like, hey, man. You swing a couple times, you're going to hit a home run once. I was like, yeah. He goes, try to kiss them all. I mean, literally, he just... And I was like, I wish I could do that. He must have had some responses. By the way, he was... I got to say this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to say his last name so we know who we're talking about. It's Chris who lived with Steve and Eddie, just so we're all clear. You guys get it. Yeah. Good-looking dude. Really good-looking dude. Never really had, like, a girlfriend. I think... If you focus on looking for the home run, you forget what it's like to hit a nice base hit. And I was always like, give me a base hit for the summer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Someone I can fall in love with, someone I can order pizza with, watch movies with, someone I can tell secrets to. I don't belong in Barstool. I'm a broken boy. We're all broken. No, I'm so broken. You think I could have these conversations with the guys here? What would they say? Huh? Are you betting on the Bears game? What are we talking here? Are you gay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you can give her the remote. I'd be like, just turn it on. No, don't touch it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's crazy how gay almost disappeared, you know? And then it came back, like, strong. Like, I hear so many people calling shit gay that I'm like... I remember when it... I stopped saying it for a while.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's a fun... You got in trouble for saying retarded. I got in trouble for saying retarded. Isn't that crazy? Like this... That's so wild. Go ahead. Not only that. Hold on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To the headquarters. Wait, what did you compete in?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got in. I think this is glossed over. You got in a lot of trouble. I'm going to say it. You don't have to say it. And so if everyone knows, according to my dad, I don't know what the truth means, but I'll tell you my truth. I always tell you my truth. You made a joke about the word, the word and the usage of the word, and how you didn't just call something retarded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You made a joke about the word, and it got so out of control, they wanted you to take your special down. And you don't have to answer any of this. I'm just going to tell you my side of the story. They were legit thinking about it, and you commented with... Hey, Netflix, if you took my special down, that would be retarded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that wasn't helpful. And then you had to go meet with people. And now it's almost like watching what's happening today makes me outraged that we could have just done that then.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like I told you that I said, when I went through something, I don't forget what my thing was, but I said, I feel bad that I'd never reached out and like I said, Hey man, I hope you're going through, you know, it was, it was bad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When they go, when they go, Hey, I'm not going to say it. I know what you're saying. There's a couple of guys at Netflix. You don't say no to. Well, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Netflix is an interesting family to be a part of because there's a couple guys that could have their way with me and keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, and then I left there. I don't know what number on the call sheet I was on the call list, but I got a call in the car, and you were confused, and you were like, I do not know what just happened. But the thing, I was in my pool, because I remember I was staring at rocks, the hardscape of my pool. And you go, man, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
i was like what you're like they like they actually got the joke they said the joke the joke makes sense not a hateful joke but they're still gonna take they want to take my special down and they tried and i remember you saying they want me to do the r word challenge and i started laughing so hard i go they want you to do the retard challenge and you go yeah i go tom tom you need to tell them the internet's not gonna fucking like what they think the
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just don't know how to quit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Take a look at Bad Thoughts. Take a look at Bad Thoughts. Take a look at Bad Thoughts. If you have not seen it, go watch it right now. That is Netflix. And it's Tom's, but that is the boss we have. It's like, sure, whatever you guys want to do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's good for summer. Except my asshole sweats. And so I have an ass sweat stain in my asshole. So, like, if I sit down for too long, you just see, like, a wet mark. Dude. It's real sexy. It is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember that. I remember that. No, no, I remember that. I remember that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I gotta be honest with you. I end up going old school where I go, yo, I had a period where I didn't say any of these words. And I understood it, and I got it. And now that I hear them so casually and callously said, like, just whatever, I go, whatever happened to you guys? Did you guys get beat that easily? Yeah. Like, what? We were on your team for a second. I mean, I never really used the word...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never really... I'll tell you what. I never made fun of anyone with Down syndrome in my entire life. I've never... It's not my thing. And by the way, to the point where I remember... Making fun of somebody like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Did you pummel somebody for being a queer? Hey, is Big Cat here? Can we get him to step in for a second and just say hello? Yeah. I just want to give him flowers and tell him how fucking great... This has been a great podcast, man. By the way, did you know that Tuskegee Airmen did not have syphilis? I hadn't even, I didn't know. So can I tell you, can I tell you what I learned? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tuskegee Airmen are different than the Tuskegee Experiment. My whole life, I thought they gave a bunch of pilots syphilis and then let them have syphilis for like 30 years to test out, to find out what the degree of syphilis, what happened when you left syphilis untreated. I mean, it kills you. Are you aware of the Tuskegee Experiment? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where a bunch of guys, a bunch of black dudes got what they called back in the day syphilis, but they called it bad blood. And they got syphilis. Syphilis was... It ruined your life. I mean, you went blind. Yeah, your brain rotted. Your brain rotted. Your fucking... Al Capone died of syphilis, I think. Yeah, he did. And so... That was the Tuskegee experiment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The Tuskegee Airmen is something totally different. That was a bunch of black pilots during World War II. In whatever happens, what's the thing where everyone thought that Sinbad was in the movie Shazam? What's it called? What? The Mandela Effect. I thought they gave these pilots syphilis.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
in world war ii that'd be a crazy experiment i know and i get up there and fly down with your brain fucking melting in my head i'm like the whole my whole life i've always been like but they were flying for us why would we give them syphilis and then what the fuck was the sin bad thing i don't know mandela effect which is it's when you think you know something happened like uh oh hold on uh this is the mandela effect um
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Luke Skywalker in Darth Vader says, Luke, I am your father, right? Yeah. He never said that. He never said that. His words were like, search deep into your truth. You will know it to be true, Luke. He never said, Luke, I am your father. But we all believe we heard, Luke, I am your father. It's a Mandela effect. It's the same thing with... Why is it called the Mandela effect?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because Nelson Mandela was really big into movies. I don't fucking know. It's got to be... Why is it called the Mandela effect? Are you looking on your phone for an answer for me? Yeah. What's a Mandela effect? Do you like how I immediately became your boss? Who would you rather sit on a 10-hour flight with, Big Cat or Dave Portnoy? That didn't take long. That did not take long. Yeah. All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh. Oh. Oh, so it's not Brent Krishner. It's Bert Kreischer. Hey, that's the Mandela effect. That's the Mandela effect. Do you know how often my name is mispronounced? Well, I have a collection of videos in a folder, if that's what you're wondering. I got two things. Ready? And by the way, I don't know if I know the answer. Oh, I know the answer. I know the answer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is he Jewish? Really? One of the big ones.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at this fucking guy. Good looking. Strong jawline. Yeah. Big, too. Great hair. Big guy. He's a big fucking dude. Mm-hmm. I think... 6'2 is the threshold of big dude. Yeah, legit. When you're 6'2, you're a big man. When you're fucking 6'0, it doesn't do it. 6'0, you might as well be 5'10". Right? No one can tell the difference between 5'10 and 6 foot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There are 80 guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, okay. This, I mean, let's talk for a second about Barstool Chicago. This is... This is competitive with Rogan's setup, in my opinion. I'd argue... The facility? This is better than Rogan's setup. Well, it's a totally... Very different. Rogan's one guy, so it's his thumbprint. It's just him. Yeah, it's just him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You guys are good at keeping secrets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you don't do it in specials and talk about their periods?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You mean when they go to college and some guy walks up to her at a party and goes, I'm going to fuck the famous right out of you? Yeah, fuck you, kid. I know who you are and I'll find you. Say his name. Fucking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why the fucks? Wait, can we can we deep dive?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, hold on. That's actually brilliant. That's actually fucking brilliant. That's really good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, and Lucy. Are you guys with Lucy? Yes. Lucy. Lucy. You should come out with a candy that you put in your cheek and it slowly releases sugar. Or Rogue.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tom hates summer. He hates Palestinians, right? It just depends on his song.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But, like, this is, like... I mean, High School Bird is, like, going, well, can I quit my job and just work for you guys for free? Oh, my God, I know. I would be... I'm blown away. They have a basketball court. They have a golf simulator. They have a gym. They have fucking... By the way, it's like something about the chicks that work here. They're all pretty and cute.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We took Isla in Georgia to church once, and Isla is this... I mean, this kid's staring at me. I go, what? She goes, why are we here? And I go, what do you mean? She goes, you like this? I go, no. She goes, well, why are we here? I go, Nana and Papa. She goes, we could leave, right? Like, we don't have to stay here. And I'm like... Where was that reign for me as a child? Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to push back. I'm going to say, I just watched Conclave. Did you watch Conclave? I did. Spoiler alert.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the Ace Ventura of religious movies. Iron Horde's a dude. The buildup was fantastic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dan Marino was like, uh. I was like, dude, uh. I mean, what a great. I watch that with my daughters. My daughters are kind of woke. The first thing they say is, they see us return, and they're like, are we laughing at a special needs person? And I go, no, no, it's different. And they're like, no, Dad, that's. And then by the end, they're like, he's just a transgendered female.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's talk about kids. What trips do you want to take with your kids? How old are your kids?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Man, I just came back from Hawaii, and I went to a resort that I've taken my girls to like 10 times. And that's probably five times. And we had so much fun at this fucking resort that I started thinking- The podcast move, and I always think, like, in, like, you know, how do you monetize it, whatever, is, like, planning trips for families. Like, doing family trips.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, not this, like, we're a family. We're going to live in a van, and we all work out, and we all eat liver, you know, whatever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But, like, planning trips for families because, man, there are some fun family trips.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then there's some that aren't worth it that you go, maybe my kids don't need to see Bali. Right. You know, like, Hawaii is just as good as Bali for them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they got little sister energy. And they're like, what's up? Hey, you want a high noon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I fucking love this place. I feel like I fucked my life up. My studio is like... It looks like we sell knitting supplies out of it. There's so many fucking women. There's so many women. Why do I have so many fucking women working for me?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can I ask you, as a person who, I have the things I like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no, no, no. And by the way, I'm so excited for the fucking box. Shiloh Sanders is going to be a jersey I'm buying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking, he's not getting cut. God damn it. Listen. Where do you think Shador's going to end up? Hang on. Shut the fuck up, Tom. I have a really good question. Okay. Yeah, what about Shador?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Not in Cleveland.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now, here's my great question, because I'm a journalist. So, like, when I go on vacation with the girls when they were younger, there was always, like, I monitored my drinking because I didn't want to get out of control. But there was a little bit of where, you know, I got loose. Do you do that with gambling so that your kids don't see the gambling?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They know. So, like, you go to the Final Four, he's getting dad and a little bit of big cat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why can't you get some more dudes in there? I fucking can't hold on to dudes. Really? Yeah. I lose dudes quick. I think it's a den of snakes, those women. Yeah. They're just all fucking little fucking just... Like women, they're mean girls. And so when they decide they're going to do something, they do something. I got to fucking have a coup d'etat. Do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, the problem with gambling for me... I'll speak for Tom, too. I've seen Tom gamble. Tom gambles like you gamble. But, like... I'm not, the only time it's interesting, it's like fucking cheating on your wife. Who's gonna wear a condom, right? It's like if you're gonna cheat on your wife, fucking raw dog, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like if you cheat on your wife and she goes, did you wear a condom? You're like, you've never heard about cheating apparently. So, but that's the same thing with gambling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not worth it. Can I pitch you a barstool challenge?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's love. That's love.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't want to put the time into fucking... It's like when you get a new dog. I don't want to potty train them. I like the old dog that followed me around next to my heels.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God, those are fucking great dogs, man. The... What were we talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm a little drunk. It's 1130. And it's Chicago. Yeah. The thing with gambling for me is it only works...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But what, but what is the, what is the allure for a guy like Dana or Michael Jordan to
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to start sexually harassing them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, there's a lot of Springfields, huh? Oh, there's a few. I'm like, what a bitch. Why do I need to drive? I was talking shit about you last night. Massachusetts? I didn't realize that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, the fuck's he flying for? Why are we on such a tight schedule? I don't like driving.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's almost as good as Meghan Markle's show. Really? Hold on. We're not done with you. I know you have to go. Hold on. Mobland's fucking amazing. Yeah. Real quick. Real quick.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he hasn't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like a weird one to find.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had to buy a fucking Paramount account.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And someone's gotta have the video. It's gotta have video. You took like a epic spill on the stage last night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can you just sell it to Netflix?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We're done. Anyway, Mobland is great. Tom Hardy has this weird thing where he kind of does one thing, and I'm there for every time he does it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I looked at a house with Colin Farrell one time. We were looking at the same house at the same time. And man, I could fucking... That's a sick brag. I could listen. No, it was not a nice house. It was for his sister. He was looking for his sister. Were you looking for yourself? I was looking for me. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you look at this, Tom, and do you go, this is what YMH could be? This place? Have you ever been to Tom's studio?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it looks a lot like an abortion clinic. Like, it looks like people just, when they walk out, no one's smiling. They're like, ooh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can you cut to my face? Cut to my fucking face? Hey, guys at Birdie Boy Entertainment. The fuck work from home? You know what work from home means? I'm not working today. I know you're not allowed to say this. HR. This is fucking bullshit. You show up to work because being there is the fucking creative part.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not like going to the dentist. You walk in scared and you leave. Thank God I'm leaving. Is it like going to the dentist?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where? Yeah, we could. No, where?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Over Annie's head? No. Will we break something if we had a catch? Listen to me. No, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As soon as I fucking get back, I'm playing catch and I'm sending you the video. No, no, no, no. No, no. He is, Tom is, they call them liars. Tom, if you go in, Tom has, I'm going to really break apart your studio. First of all, you can't walk in the door like you could here. No, you can't walk in the door. You got to go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it's called security we have security and then a twink comes out what's his name dan tanner tanner comes out and he's like oh hey oh hey cool and you're like hey uh is tom here yet no he's around late uh you want coffee reed's got your coffee and you're like cool tanner and then and then and then all the branding is so that you know tom isn't racist it's just black people painted everywhere
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, it is. It is. What is it? Kobe Bryant? He's never watched a fucking Lakers game in his life. He's got a mural of Kobe Bryant in the fucking studio. And then some Latina chicks, right? It's like Tom grew up in L.A. as, like, Cholo. And then everyone's scared. You ever go into, like, a rescue?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You walk into a rescue place where they rescue puppies, and the puppy's like, that's Annie. Then you see Chad. Woof, woof.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the whole fucking place. And Ryan's is right by the door.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but he's right by the door so he can leave and you can get drinks in his office.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Actually, multiple places.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's where we're going to have one. Hey, guys. What kind of ball do you want to use? Whatever. Tennis ball is fine. No, no, no. I want a catch of all sorts. I want a lacrosse catch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want a baseball catch. I want all these catches. And then I'm going to show you what it's like to work in a fucking den of snakes. Okay, first of all, you know what his fucking place is like, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have none of, what's Old Canadian? Oldie. Oldie? I have none of that energy in my house, and I want it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't, no. Yeah, I wanted, because- That's not oldie, by the way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to hire an intern, a Down syndrome intern, just to break up the female energy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
dude right dude fucking positive as fuck yeah yeah break up that female energy i got too much female energy i got too much maybe we go for like a an autistic guy no i fuck autistic we got we got a we got a we got a few take that out or keep it in but no but i'm like not take it out because no one will take it out god damn it but no but like i'm so tired of these fucking grown men saying they're autistic and you just got to deal with a rude dude no that's not
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're like, oh, so I'm on your page? You tell me everything, and I just can't disagree? No, hold on. You know what I'm talking about, too, don't you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You never got into cars? No. What are you into? Just gambling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Steak or fish? Steak. All right. What are we doing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What is this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know if they're... By the way, I'm in love with Mincy. You know that? Because you don't work with him. No, because me and him have the exact same musical taste.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How dare you? How dare me not say that I like... Okay, okay, uh... Brent. No, it's Bert.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's Brent, the 80s. No, that's not what I was going to ask. Top five favorite Dead songs. And don't go, you've got to do one. It changes so much.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ. Can I tell you what a liar John Mayer is? He's the man. Watch guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe the biggest.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, it's no... We connected so quickly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, we were going off on Billy Strings and fucking widespread panic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the first of the month. Wake up. Wake up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm looking for John Mayer's number.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
John Mayer says Althea was his introduction song. Yes, it was. It's not. What was it? I'm just saying it's too deep of a song for someone to go... No, I believe it. Just... I can't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm stuck on the fact that you get introduced by the Dead on one of the songs we never listen to anymore. For a lot of people, it was Touch of Grey. And by the way, I'll even go deeper and say that I now rediscovered how great of a song Touch of Grey was.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You heard 300 people dying. Nobody can tell me, like, you're breaking the rules, you're doing this wrong. There's no right or wrong. I don't care what it takes. I'm doing this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you going to the ones in... I don't think I'm going to be able to make it because of schedule.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, I want to say thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the coolest thing about... The industry that we're in is there's a there's like a shared camaraderie and to show us around this place.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's amazing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you disappear.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to know the breakdown of this. I've been given a few. You've been smoking DMT more than I think you're supposed to smoke DMT. Doing DMT is like anal sex. You're supposed to do it once a year. Yeah, until you find out it's the only way you come.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's pretty great. It's crazy. Me and you do drugs and alcohol for different reasons. Yeah. It's so fun to watch you get fucked up because you make a decision. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I never make the decision. The decision just shows up. Right. It's like lunch for you. I'm like with civil rights in Europe. Like, yeah, they're black people. Just let them do whatever they want. In Europe?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, in Europe, right? Isn't that how that works? And then you're more like the United States where you're like, all right, now they can use our water fountains.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
right right like you're but like you made a decision to get fucked up last night you're like i you said something you said you said something like uh all right that's it it's over something i went oh well yeah because i whenever i go to any of these things i feel like the you know you have like this balance like are we just at this thing and you have a drink yes and then you go i don't i don't know that balance but i've heard of it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what's so funny?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is an interesting time for business. Tariffs and trade policies are dynamic, supply chains squeezed, and cash flow tighter than ever. If your business can't adapt in real time, You're in a world of hurt. You totally need visibility from global shipments to tariff impacts to real-time cash flow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you got into trouble a couple times, it's because that's who you are. I get in trouble. Yeah, and I love it. I love it because every time you've ever gotten in trouble, I was like, I don't know what the problem is here. Right, right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but you do go into those parties where you talk to people who do use – I do it when I do like – I have to bite my tongue a lot. Not bite my tongue, but just not say the thing I'm thinking. Right. Like when I'm on set. Do you mean like politically or do you mean. Everything. Why bite my tongue politically only because I don't, I don't think it's fair to alienate anyone about their beliefs.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, exactly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is this about information? Yeah. This is about like politics and identity.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was born in St. Petersburg, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of course.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's your accent. It's a Michigan accent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've listened to so much of your podcast, you round out your consonants sometimes. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I pop my T's. Listen, and by the way, I pop my T's. I'm legit a fucking fan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, let me ask you a therapy question.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought this last night.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was in the hot tub last night having a cocktail, and I do fake interviews to nobody like I'm talking to you. Yeah, yeah, same. And you seem like you got it figured out. Not perfect, but you got it better than me. Okay. How come... joy, you kill it on set, you have a great scene and you get done, everyone's patting you on the back, you get in your car, you drive home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How come joy doesn't have the same impact that anxiety and OCD and depression have? Why can't the high of joy reach at least like the anxiety and the reading a negative comment so fucking low, but a positive comment just goes, oh, cool, thanks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no. You really had to be committed to fucking me if you wanted to fuck me. Because why? I'd give you every excuse not to.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? You don't read any of yours? I can't. So I can't allow... I've said this before, and this is how I feel. I can't allow someone to have control of my day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And if it's going to control your day, then that's the totally right decision. I don't even know what it is. I don't even really know what the fuck's wrong with me. But I got the thing where... You get a repetitive bad thought and you can't just get it. Yeah, you're ruminating. I think some people call it OCD. I know I have probably versions of whatever OCD is. I don't even, I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not going to therapy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. Oh. No. Oh, hold on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is one of my favorite conversations. I have a work face. I have a work face. Okay. Shut up. And does that involve a lot of blinking? No, I just go like this. My dad would be like, hey, what the fuck's wrong? What are you doing with your face? I'd be like, huh? What are you talking about? They got me like Stevie Wonder glasses when I was a kid. To hide this. Yeah, because I was like... Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. That's good. Oh, and I got like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have jab tics. Okay, great. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The greatest.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is the greatest. It is. I graduated college. I moved to New York. I've never read a book before. I read The Firm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I watched Barfly, and I was like, eh. Okay. I don't know. I get depressed when people drink like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was thinking about you going to bed last night. I was listening to your Sam Shepard. Is that the guy's name? Sam something. And it's black and white. And you talked about, this is when I was like, I always thought you were a beer drinker and you drank a lot, but I didn't know you were like really fucking partied. And you talked about your many lows, your many bottoms. Oh, right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No. It's like someone who's really bad at karaoke not wanting to sing karaoke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And right before you did Zathura, you were- In Kauai. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like I just didn't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's, but it's crazy. I don't think, I mean, I don't think enough people know, maybe they do, but know just how deep you were into like, into life. Partying. Going hard, yeah. Yeah, going hard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Smoking crack, yeah. Doing meth. I mean, like, really getting after it. Pills. When you said I'd get a prescription of 30 pills and go through them, I was like...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I I had a prescription of I still have them of 30 Xanax I just don't touch them. Yeah, I get but last night. I was going to bed listen this interview I had two drinks in the hot tub land where I wrapped something yesterday.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So Leanne I had a bottle of champagne I had two drinks Poros and sodas and eat these yeah in the hot tub and I went to my bedroom listen the interview and I start killing water I'm really obsessed with my sleep score. Uh-huh, and I was like, oh I bet you told a crazy story about waking up like three days later in your hotel, in your bed going, everything in the kitchen was gone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, oh, I bet he couldn't do that. And I was like, that, if you're dealing with that, you definitely should get drugs and alcohol out of your life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would hate any dude that said I'm fucking good at sex. Can I tell you? Yeah. I would say the majority of America thinks that that is how your relationship, like you're, I just imagine you guys were primal. Like you guys fucking just, cause first of all, you are all of us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you got everything you ever wanted.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Can you talk to me about that for a second? Because I talk about that. And I think sometimes in our industry, at least in my industry with my friends, they find the need to be recognized or the want to be recognized rather as gross. And I don't. I wanted that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you were famous when it was cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was very extreme. You were the standout star on Punk by far.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's crazy. When you wake up now, I'm curious, what's your sober life look like now? I feel like you're a dude with your hands in something from the second you wake up to the second you go to sleep. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's interesting that you journal, that you meditate. So every year on my birthday, I do my goals. I write like whatever age I am. I write those out in goals. This year's goals, they all used to be professional goals. And this year, they're all internal. They're all internal. When's your birthday?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. Hold on. Fuck off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You don't need New Year's resolutions because you have the birthday ones. On my 26th birthday, in short, people have heard this, but my dad called me and just told me I was a piece of shit. It's funny, I just posted this thing about Winston Churchill's dad doing the same thing to him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think that'd be a fun starting spot. So let's start off with. Let's do a little housekeeping. So you start your podcast in 2017. Now, you got to remember, me, Tommy, Joe, Ari, Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell, we're all early podcasters. Oh, yeah. I'm way late.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they said Winston Churchill must have always, no matter what he accomplished, always thought of that one letter his dad sent him. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's easy to get distracted there. I live right above the McDougal Ale House. Oh, baby. And my dad called. I thought I'd just answer and go. He was going to say, happy birthday. I'll go back to sleep. I'll talk him over. I was like, hello. And he goes, you are a tremendous piece of shit. and just a tremendous piece of shit. And I go, I said, it's my birthday. Cause I know what fucking day it is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What was his laundry list of things? He had, he had been in court that day and the judge asked him how his son was doing. Cause I was, I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine. Is this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like the main, I like a machine. No, no, no. Um, um,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
america's top party at america's top party school so the judge was like how's your son doing in new york doing stand-up my dad goes great and he perjured himself and he was with him so he got in the car and was like i just perjured myself in court i've never perjured myself i lied he asked how you know i should have said he's a loser he's a party boy in new york who's got no humility and he just broke me off
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I remember going like, well, and you gave me all these life lessons of how to, it's the reason I am today where I am today. That one conversation, I think everyone needs it. I think everyone, problem is I've given my daughters like 10 of them. I keep doing it. Yeah, no, you gotta really be sparing. It's gotta be one. I've given them like a hundred of them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what I said when they were little girls? You want to talk about bad parenting? I said, no, you don't get to cry. Use your words. You think Condoleezza Rice cries? They were like five and seven. You enlisted Condoleezza Rice. But anyway, I wrote my, that night I took myself to dinner. I wrote all my goals, 26 goals for that year. And I've done it every year since.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And one of the goals this year was to learn how to meditate. Oh, okay. I want to learn how to meditate. I can give you a person that can teach you. That's what I want.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And by the way, we did this to the Kelsey brothers, too. So you're in good company. Well, better to pick a fight with me than the Kelsey brothers. And we get on doing a podcast, and your podcast is blowing the fuck up. And it's good. Sure, sure, sure, sure. And it's good. And you're getting great guests. Sure. Yeah, I would be mad. Guests we could never get.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're not going to snap a femur snowboarding? Fucking skiing is so much more dangerous than snowboarding.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When's the last time you skied? You can go pretty slow in a straight line. Oh, no, I haven't skied in forever. I haven't skied in forever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have an inline on like celebrity A-listers are like, oh, I'll talk to him. And me and Tommy are out on the outside going like, what the fuck? So we do during the pandemic. I was like, man, fuck Dax Shepard. Okay, great. So it was that out loud.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Pickleball's fun.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's crazy. Have you ever made friends with a celebrity and it stuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What do you got your parents?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't think, so I look at like, like I don't see Joe as a famous guy. Right. I know he is, but I don't. Like I was, I mean, yeah, yeah. I was having a great conversation with him yesterday on text and we were laughing. Someone's like, who are you texting? I was like, I was texting my buddy. And then I realized, well, if I told him who I was texting, they'd be like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Talk about the king of all media.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one dislikes you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He likes all the shit you like. Yeah, exactly. Literally, I did a pre-interview yesterday of all the things I want to talk to you about. I'm obsessed with motorcycles. I don't have one. I'm obsessed with fucking motorcycles. Have you ridden them ever? Yeah, of course. Okay. Rode a motorcycle from Montana to Sturgis. Oh, you did? Rode it through the National Forest in... Black Hills? No, in Alabama.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's the smartest it. And then by the way, it's like casually you talk shit about people on podcasts. Cause you're just filling time. Yeah. And you really forget anyone can hear you. And by the way, I know people have done it to me, and I've heard them do it, and I get it. I get it. I mean, I trashed Reese Witherspoon once. I love Reese Witherspoon. Of course. How could you not?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Beautiful. Uh-huh. On what kind of... Harley? Indian Chief. Oh, okay. And then rode... Road to Harley, what is it, 883 Iron Horse to the top of the volcano in Hawaii. Oh, really? It's one of the coolest ways to take in scenery. Oh, God, yeah. I have said this. This is the day I fell in love with motorcycles. we go hunting buffalo with the Crow Nation in Montana, I think.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then we get dropped off an helicopter off the top of a mountain. With guns or bows and arrows? Guns. Guns, okay. And we get dropped off on top of a mountain and then we have to take our motorcycles back down to the city down at the bottom of the mountain. And as I go, I'm dipping in between... Shadows, because the sun's setting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it's getting dark and getting cold, and then you're hitting the sun and you're feeling it, and you're coming out, and as I pop up, the sun hits me, and a pack of wild horses is running next to me, with me, as I'm listening to Wilco. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And I went, this is fucking insane. But I'm... I'm buying a chopper. I'm talking to this lady about buying a chopper.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My wife doesn't know. She'd be fucking lose her mind. She does not like motorcycles.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My wife could give two fucks. It's so funny. You are my wife and I am your wife. Oh, really? 100%. Except we have very similar relationships that we have painted ourselves into a corner where regardless of our wants or needs, we can never cheat on our wives because we will lose everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I've had chicks try to have sex with me. And I just look at them like, what the fuck? What's wrong with you? What the fuck's wrong with you? Do you realize what a loser you look like right now? You're trying to fuck me? Yeah. You're out of your goddamn mind. Respect yourself more. Respect yourself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're better than this. But our relationships are similar in that I am known for my relationship with my wife. I've talked about it on stage so much. And are you opposites? Leanne's you. Okay. Like you did an interview one time. I don't forget what it was. You were like talking about the apocalypse and what you'd be useful for. And you're like, I could build a pneumatic drill or something.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, that's my wife. I'd be like Kristen in the corner. She'd be singing and I'd be telling jokes. Wonderful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Please break it down for everyone. Your thumbprint of your character is Dax Shepard. I don't know if everyone catches that, but as a guy who listens to the podcast and watch that movie, you do talk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it's like when she got the DUI, and she was like, you don't know who the fuck I am. Oh, yeah. And by the way, I wouldn't even trash on her, because everyone could be that person. Well, also, let's start with she's hammered. Yeah. She's fucking Reese Witherspoon.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's me. You're like that too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the most gangster thing I've ever fucking heard. How do you maintain a relationship with someone that thinks like that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I think it's tedious being with me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I wouldn't even suck my dick. Like, I can't imagine sucking my dick. Like, I, oh. You tried though when you were younger, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we're doing a podcast during the pandemic, and I was like, fuck Dax Shepard. I go, he's already got a movie career. He's already got all the fucking- Kristen Bell. Yeah, he's got Kristen Bell. Yeah, I know. He got- You fucking decide to sell a washer and dryer and it goes viral. I mean, anything you touch is gold. And I go, and now he's coming for our shit?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to give it a shot. I have a buddy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have a buddy who sucked his own dick once. Oh, he got there. Oh, good for him. And I asked him what it was like. He goes, it felt more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's one of those things like I'm glad I never got. It's like my dogs always chase squirrels. Yeah. And then they got one one time and it wasn't what they thought it was going to be. They were bombed. They broke it in half and they were like blood everywhere. And they're like, oh, I thought this would be more fun. Right. It seems so fun to chase them.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of course. I wonder. I'll try any fucking thing. It's my body.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why the fuck wouldn't I try all of it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The only thing I haven't tried, which I'm kind of on the fence about, is autoerotic asphyxiation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How could it not?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to tell you what I've done. Don't advise us. We don't advise us. I'm being serious. Do not do what I've done. Yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It makes fucking whippets feel like kindergarten. No kidding. We used to do dust off. I wonder if it's the same. It's aerosol. You wrap a towel. I'm not going to tell you how to do it. But I would huff glade and jack off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is that amyl nitrate? No, I don't think it is, but I ran into a chick that I knew that was Christian, and she was from Minnesota, and she goes, you party? You ever done poppers? And I was like, no. She's like, the stuff for anal sex, you ever done them? I said, no. She goes, I'm doing them all the time. Not even for anal. And then she got divorced right after that. Wow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you can't do poppers.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like you were the guy, in my opinion, you were the guy that graduated high school but came back and took all our chicks. And I was like, man, and he's got a smart fucking co-host. And she's a person of color. We're two white guys. So that was our take. That's very fair. Now, I have to say this. If I really didn't like Dax Shepard, you would never land on my radar. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no, it's definitely not. I broke smelling salts under my nose one time. What's that like? It's ammonia, I think. Oh, okay. You just wake up, you're like... And then you can bench. How much do you bench? I don't try to. I haven't set a personal record. Okay, 300. Anyway, whatever. It's not a big deal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Uh, I think like two years. Oh, just two years. Yeah. Okay. It's my testosterone is perfect. My blood works perfect. Yeah. Same. It's the crazy part is like even partying because it's reparative to your liver. Uh, and it even partying my blood works better than it's ever been. And I just got it. Yeah. It's crazy. It's magic. I really enjoy it. I love that you follow Lane Norton. Oh, I love him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you follow like Huberman and all those guys too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was thinking about the other day I just got out of the sauna and I was getting into the cold plunge and I thought to myself, I don't want to. Yeah. And I said, I'm also not David Goggins. I don't have to. Like, I'm just Bert. So if I don't want to, I can just take a shower and not be cold all day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I thought, this is kind of a depressing thought, because I'm friends with a guy named Cam Haynes, who's like an ultra marathon, probably the world's best bow hunter. He's friends with all these dudes that are like high up from Jesse Itzler, who just ultra marathon. They do the hardest thing every single day. Optimizing. They're all about optimizing. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I thought, how depressing to be one of those guys. Because if you don't do the craziest shit your body's ever done every day, you're letting yourself down. I was like, how nice to be average and go, I can get in the polar plunge for a minute. And that's better than I thought it was going to do.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think you would have thrown it in the ditch by now. It would have caught me by now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you're going to have a party?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? Yeah. Can I pitch you something? Yeah, please. So I turned 52, and I said to myself, I – I laid in bed and I was like, how many birthdays do I remember? Like really? Yeah. And I can only remember 11. Okay. Like really, like think about it. That's very specific. Think about how many birthdays can you remember? Yeah. Think about it for a second. I'm going to do that tonight. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Write them down. I did it. I sat and I went, I can only remember 11. I go, that's kind of sad on this day that I'm celebrating another year of life that I get to live. I can only remember 11? I was like, what the fuck did I do the other ones? And I said, so I may get maybe 25 more. I said, I'm going to make sure I do something epic. It doesn't need to be a party, but do something to mark that day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so on my 52nd birthday, I benched 300 pounds. Oh, wonderful. And I said, I'll never forget this day. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's the number one thing is that I was a fan since Punk'd. I felt like you were one of us. I always felt like you weren't a Hollywood insider. I felt like you got into movies that were cult classics. So then when you got into podcasting, I was like, okay, he's fair game. He's one of us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. I was doing 225 like 10 times, 12. And then I did 285 three times. And I was like, I think I can get 300. Yeah. And so then... And when you did it, did you think like, I think I could do two? No, no, no, no. My legs seized. From benching? I'm actually never going to do it again. Wait, we're not talking squatting, benching. My legs seized. Oh, wow. That's unexpected.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have a video of it and it is not pretty. And so I did not post it because I would be mocked. I have a similar video. And so I thought, I'm going to do something epic on every one of my birthdays so that I mark that day, whether it's,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
uh run 12 miles or or or ride my bike to the fucking beach yeah or just something to mark that day because to like i i remember saying to a buddy of mine uh what are you doing for your birthday he's like i'm not a fucking child i don't need to do something for my birthday right but yeah but be a child let yourself do something fucking epic yeah because it's 50. yeah that sounds like the voice i have too which is uh i'm not a child which is like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
January 2nd sucks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not even the good football game. It's just like, oh, wow, Mizzou's playing. It's party over.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So wait, do you still want to act? I mean, I know that you've done stuff, but your podcast is so big. You talk to Rogan. He's like, never acting, never doing this, never doing that. I'm just doing the podcast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Not a poser.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, by the way, fucking Smartless can get it, too. I'll tell you right now, those motherfuckers show up and take, what, like $200 million? Yeah. And they're playing on private jets, and they're not even getting shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not one human being alive that wouldn't love Video Village. Oh, it's the best. It's the best. We just wrapped yesterday. And at one point, I'm not even fucking lying. there were about... And we had two video villages. There was about 30 people crammed into video village. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was like... It's a party.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All my agents, my parents, my wife, the fucking brothers and sisters of the actors. And it was like packed. And the best thing in the world, and I know this isn't conducive to good projects sometimes, but it's to be doing a take and hear laughter out of video village. Oh, yeah. And then you're like, dude, I'm telling you when I say that my... I sometimes think I just want to be a producer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you can hang at Video Village the whole time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Does he party?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking Jesus. Yeah. They're all gone. I'm going to be partying with children one day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think that would be the hardest. I'll tell you, maybe the difference in my brain is that... My favorite thing isn't necessarily that first drink. It's the camaraderie that happens when people decide to drink with you. That energy of like, all right, fuck it, make me one. And that is inebriating to me. The drink is great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The second it hits you and it touches your soul and the Lord whispers in your ear, we're gonna have the best night of our lives. That's the other great part. I gotta be honest with you. I don't notice the buzz after that moment. Honestly, I could not drink or drink. I don't feel it. You don't see it in me. I don't get hammered. I don't act hammered. Maybe my inhibitions are lowered a little bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then the even better part is when they all leave and it's just you by yourself and you go, one more. And you just take it outside and you act weird. And you just talk crazy. And you sit in your hot tub and you have a conversation with Dax Shepard and he's not there. I love it. I'm going to run through these. Sounds fucking great. It's clearly giving more than it's taking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, and then the best, the best is waking up this morning. Do you feel fine when you wake up? Yeah, yeah. So you might be blessed. No, but I mean, I feel like I go like, I don't feel as good as I did yesterday. Like I hadn't been drinking. And so last night was my first night back drinking. And so... There's also the other thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm very punitive. So I wake up if I did drink and I go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like I can talk myself out of working out if I'm sober. If I'm drinking, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going to let you skate by today. Get the fuck away.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
go pet a dog make some coffee do an instagram video walk through your backyard let cold grass hit your feet punish yourself just a little bit get into the gym and we're running we're gonna run and we're gonna watch chips again see that's the con okay so i had chips again this morning no you didn't yeah you open that movie with tit it's the best decision anyone ever made in the movie
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is opening what? With tit. Michael Peña rolls over and you see a nipple. Come on, get the fuck out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I legit swear to God, I saw her come out of the, and I went, I did not know she was like that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And all three of them can sing and it's the greatest. My daughters have listened to your wife sing. It's crazy that your wife's, I've heard your wife sing more than I've probably had sex with my wife. No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right, let me see. By the way, this is my pre-interview, okay? Oh, okay, great. So this is all the... I don't even know if I asked any of these questions.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's where it's based out of. You get into podcasting, you do it. I'll be very real. You have everyone mock this thing you're doing that is a passion project. You're not making a ton of money at it. And then money shows up and you see celebrities flood it. Yes. And then overwhelm all these like people who, I mean, I mean like no, no shit. Like there's some cash grabs out there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I feel like I don't even need to.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I've done five hours. Oh, really? Yeah. With who? Rogan. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's like when he gets on one, you're like, okay. Three hours is pretty long. We try to keep two bears within just above an hour, around an hour, because I feel like it also allows people to go, I want to hear more from that guy. Yep. And you're someone that you've been so good –
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. I try to keep it – these – Tommy likes to keep it at one hour and five minutes. I don't understand that. And you – like we just had McConaughey on. Oh, you did? Yeah, and Tom – one hour and five minutes. I haven't even asked my good questions yet. Yes. And Tom's like – and he's such a – he starts doing this thing where he goes – And you take deep breaths. He does it on Rogan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When we do Rogan together, he's like, I can only do like an hour 30. And we're like, I go, get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about? Then you leave. We'll do two days if he wants to. We're about to take mushrooms. What the fuck are you talking about? Have you done mushrooms on the air with him? No. I haven't done mushrooms in a while.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mushrooms is beautiful that way. They're like, hey, we got you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mushrooms is like anal sex. You're like, that's enough. That's enough right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you happy? Did you get what you wanted out of this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't have a problem with anyone doing anything they want. Literally, I go, as long as you don't hurt anybody.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. I just don't need to go there. I don't need to go there. I'm terrified of death, and I don't need to see what that's going to feel like. Yeah, you don't need to touch it up close. Hey, why do you like Chuck Taylor's?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. They did. Yeah, I was always cool as shit. It wasn't until I got... I had two... Did you have a low point? Because I think those are good. No. So I had... Well, no, but I never... But I was really bad at sex. And so the first... Oh, you came too fast? Yeah, way too fast. Yeah, it's hard. I was really good at like... Heavy petting? Oh. I bet there's chicks that still remember it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was really good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was good sixth, seventh, eighth. I mean, I remember getting there were girls, and I was like, can you imagine being the guy that gets to play with their boobs? And then I got that girl, and I went, so wait, I will get to be that guy. And then I was good. And when I got to college, first week, first day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had the best college experience anyone's ever had. And today I get on a plane and I go down to be the grand marshal of my college. Oh, you do? Homecoming parade, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. Burt Reynolds and me. Yeah. I'm thinking about pulling. I'm a big Burt Reynolds fan, too. I'm the number one. I know. I have one of his neckties.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. I'm a fucking huge Burt Reynolds fan. Me, too. And you know I got to do a movie with him. Yeah, I know. Yeah, without a paddle. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But you see, you shouldn't be ashamed. And here's the thing is that like, And I would say this, and I think I have this view now, is like podcasts are fucking fun. Oh, my God, yeah. It's preposterous that it can be a job. You should start a podcast. If you're interested in it, do it. It really tells you a lot about yourself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is an absolute gift. That man defined everything for us in Florida. In Florida. Oh, yeah. Because he was from Florida, played at Florida State. He owned the Bandits, which were our USFL team in Tampa. He was a legend. I mean, he was a fucking legend. And that's the one – I met Dolly Parton, and I said – She goes, I know a Burt. And I said, yeah, I know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I said, you know, I'm obsessed with him. And she goes, yeah? She goes, you want to meet him? I said, I would love to meet him. And Dolly Parton goes, well, you better hurry up. He's going to be dead soon. And I was like, okay. Okay. Can we go now? Can we go now? I think I'm done with this. I'm free. Is that what you're saying? No, Burt Reynolds is a fucking goddamn legend. Oh, yeah. What a stud.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. What was I asking you right before that? Oh, girls. So it wasn't when I got to college. My first... I hooked up five times the first five days. Every night was with a new chick. Oh, wow. And on the sixth day, I met this girl that I ended up dating for four and a half years, five years. I have the same problem. Yeah, and I'm a serial commitment. I fall in love. Yeah, I fall in love.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Didn't have sex with those girls. Hooked up with them. Met this girl. Had sex with her. Dated her five years. Can I ask you something? Please. You just didn't know of this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, well, now I'm having a problem with it, especially with testosterone. I've never gotten to a place where my wife's like, just go to sleep. And I'm like, no, it'll happen. It'll happen. I swear to God. But yeah, I identify with what you say about I was such a romantic that every girl... I remember just longing for, longing for chicks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And by the way, Pena is awesome. Michael Pena is awesome in that. Oh, he's outrageous. It's a great fucking. How many movies have you done with Vincent D'Onofrio?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's, I mean, dude, I was on a plane next to, because you're saying Neve Campbell, the girl that made out with Neve Campbell in Wild Things. Oh, right, right. Charlie Sheen's ex-wife. Denise Richards. Good job, Denise Richards. Mother fucker.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fucker you were when i was a kid i would look at vogue magazines and i would feel depression that i would never date that girl right it was heartbreaking yeah yeah yeah i agree i mean it would kill me yeah and then and then i remember when you were on when you're on mtv the cribs was really big at the time oh i loved it and i would feel the same depression when i'd see people having a private island and i go i'll never have a private island
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, listening to yourself is very, very informative. Yeah, and the wild shit I say. I mean, I've said some horrific stuff on podcasts. Like, not even, like, bad stuff about people. Bad stuff about life, advice, thoughts.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, uh-huh. I'm a complete loser. Yeah, I mean, I had no plans of anything. Punk'd was like the most accessible thing to all of us at that time because I knew people that had done it. You know who was on Punk'd? Daniel Tosh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I love you, Daniel. You know, I love you. Daniel Tosh always wanted to be an actor. He really wanted to be an actor. I love you, Daniel. I love you. He's had a fantastic career simply as a stand-up comedian and as a television host and now as a podcaster. Once again, he got into podcasting extremely late, and he's killing it. Oh, good for him. Yeah, but I'm sure he witnessed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And by the way, his best friend booked Punk'd. Okay. His best friend booked Punk'd. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I feel so fucking horrible that I ever said anything out of pocket.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not mad at all. Because I fucking... Because for real, I honestly was talking out of a place of like... He'll never hear this. Oh. And like going like... I'm bullshitting with my friend about ultimately what was happening with podcasting at the time. Yeah. You were the spokesperson of it. But like I said, you have to know this by now. I was a huge fan. Well, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Idiocracy is like... What's crazy to me is it didn't do well in theaters.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, by far. It's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's insane. Yeah. I think I was under the impression the same things would happen for Chips. I've seen it twice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Chips is just a fun fucking movie. That's right. That's it. That's it. Just a fun fucking movie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I hope. I mean, I don't know what's happening with this business right now. I don't know if we're ever going to get back to making $25 million comedies. That make $100 million. Yeah, I don't know if that's going to happen in theaters. Can I admit one thing to you, though?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember seeing... We all talked like him for a period of time. Of course. Tried. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Vince Vaughn is one of the reasons I'm trying to get over getting impressed by celebrity because he came to our vodka launch in Vegas. We had a big party. We did a show at the MGM Grand Garden Arena. Everyone came over. Vince Vaughn's there. And I'm like, yo. I was like, someone introduced me to Vince Vaughn. And they're like, Bert, this is Vince.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, dude, I got to tell you, I'm such a fan. It's such an honor to meet you. And he just leans down and he goes, we've already met, baby. And I was like, oh, fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
wow i was like wait so i i met you and i forgot and then i was like oh yeah i met you with i know your sister like i met your sister god damn it and then i was like oh i did a project with you i had a fucking movie i was like fat astronauts is with you oh fuck me i was like god damn it i'm done i was like i'm fucking done with celebrity this sucks oh that's a bummer
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But the worst part is whatever he said, I don't know if he said the word baby. I'm putting that in there for my own little. The worst is he leaned down to tell me that because he's 6'7".
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's the fucking man. He's gorgeous and he's funny. I used to love hearing stories about him getting in fights at Barney's Beanery. Yeah, he liked to fight and drink. Oh, he liked to fucking...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fuck you and throw drinks at people sorry Vince I don't know Vince this is what I do is I talk wild shit and then one day I have the opportunity to sit down with that person and go hey Dax Shepard I'm so sorry I gotta tell you the fighting aspect of his life cause I would read like he'd be in details I'd read it all the interviews were at bars I'm like this dude is doing everything right I would go to the bars he went to so hopefully that one time I could just see him bump into him
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Oh, my God. I just got chill bumps. Dax, I want to thank you for doing this. Oh, yeah. This is so fun. You're cool as shit, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I follow you on Instagram. It's so funny. We're on set. We're bullshitting yesterday. And I was like, I'm doing a podcast with Dax Shepard. And someone was like, fucking deep dove you. It was my agent. Are you UTA? WME. Okay. They were like, dude, he's the fucking man. Halloween is like he goes fucking ham. He's like loading up the kids. And I was like, he's a great fucking dad.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, and I'm sitting here listening to all these people talk about you. And I was like, man, Dak should be lucky enough to just, I almost recorded it and gave it to you to go like, this is what people say about you behind your back. It was so positive. That's really nice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, no, you're right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right. We're going to exchange numbers. I'm going to text you pictures of motorcycles that I'm looking at.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I'll tell you my favorite episode of yours. I remember where I was listening to it. I was in my pool at my old house.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hey, someone make me a drink downstairs. I need one for the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was the business move. And then I brought it in. I showed it to Gavin Rossdale. I was like, this is my bus. And I mean, I wish I knew the code to it. Right. I don't know the code of mine either, by the way. And he was like, dude, this is badass. Can I rent this out? And I was like, no. Right. All my stuff's here. That's my bedroom. All my favorite things. Yes. I put my used Zins over here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it was when you relapsed oh uh-huh but that was the fucking that's podcasting in my opinion sharing these vulnerable secrets is like fucking secrets man it's secrets and the secrets keep us sick and i that i remember being like god damn it like i remember sitting there i had my phone on the corner on the edge of the pool i'm just i'm sitting in a pool just listening and it was like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, it's my home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If my wife leaves me, that's where I'll go. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We'll just go to all the cities she'll never go to. New Orleans, Key West, fucking all the places.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right. I'm going to Tallahassee. Dax. Yes. Congratulations on all your success. Thank you. You too. On an amazing podcast. If everyone hasn't, you should go. It's Armchair Expert. It's fucking awesome. And the thing I love about you is you are a smart dude. You've been in therapy. You've got a solid wife who's steering the ship. But you're still broken like all of us.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you still say fucked up shit. And I want you to know that anytime anyone ever comes at you for anything you say, where you sit and go, maybe I shouldn't have said that. At least I made Bert happy. Okay, good, good, good. Because I'm on your team, brother. I fucking love you, man. Thank you, brother. This was awesome. Thank you so much, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was fucking – but you're – I mean you honestly – and this is where that came from. You stepped into the game and started killing it day one like you've been doing this the whole time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, never could have gotten those guys. And those are your first two.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can acknowledge how unfair. Fuck fair. Fuck fair. That's not the thing is that you fucking – and you had great guests and you're fucking – But again, I don't know if those two – if those two come out, I don't know what those are.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's too good to be true. I'm curious. I'm past that a little bit now. Yeah, you've accepted it. I just want to just go, the hammer will drop one day and I'll just be like, I got away. Yeah. It's like heat. I feel like I'm the guy going, just be able to drop it and walk away from everything. I got my go bag. Yeah, I got my go bag.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I used to have.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to go south. The great thing about my kids being in the house is I can have my gun out all the time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah that's that's a really good idea highly advised i think wait wait uh i want to go back to the to the podcast yeah but like so yes i i think i do do you ever feel like because here's the thing about you and i have to say once i okay i did talk shit about you yeah and then tell people what happened because this is really adorable and then i found this part out and then i was like i don't i don't think i ever want them to know that that i didn't do that because i want the credit of that and that would have been really smart i go it's during the pandemic i know it was during the pandemic because uh
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We were getting P.O. Box stuff, and you had to let it sit outside for a fucking week. Lysol it. By the way, the fucking coolest thing you guys ever did is you didn't charge your tenants money, and then you, during the pandemic, as you remember, I follow you. I follow you. This is interesting, because I really thought maybe you just didn't like me. Dude, I told you I'm a fan. I know shit about you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know that you're like an OG drug dude. You're not like a fucking drinker who quit drinking. No. I know the time you dropped your bike on your leg. Oh, you did?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
dude i know a lot about you in a two-day black i told you i'm a fucking fan of you first of all my best friend growing up looks identical to you ryan valerius okay so when you showed up on what version of me uh old skinny you yeah skinny yeah yeah uh basketball playing you not the fucking jacked fucking front rows with fucking 80 pound you the uh the and so when you showed up on punked i was like i was like i kind of
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, I recognize you because my buddy looked like you. Uh-huh, right. And you were great. And I was like, fuck yeah. And then you started showing up in movies. I was like, nice. Because, I don't know, that was like, I was also at that level.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
we have that rug this is um this is getting trippy this uh dude if i get sober we could be friends but no but so like so like i'm like a legit fan of yours and and and but i always wondered because you do run you have to navigate circles i would never navigate like i will never have to go to a party where like where I have to change my speech. And what I love about you, and this is for real.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It was just Tom lights me up and pokes me. And I like talking wild on a podcast. It's part of being on a podcast. And he's like, Dax Shepard's fucking killing it. Maybe I'll get him on here as a guest bear. And I was like, fuck Dax Shepard. He was like, what? And I go, dude, he just started podcasting last week and it's the number one podcast in the world. Yeah, it's all very legit.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
wait what someone sent him our merch oh our merch yeah and he thought it was from me and he was like oh what it destroyed me it was during the pandemic and i got it in my p.o box and i was like oh my god and here's the thing i am like a day one ride or die for dax for real when punk came out first of all i know i told you this he looks like my best friend growing up ryan valerius when he came on there he even looked more like him then and i was like that's my fucking guy
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You expect your movie stars to just stay movie stars and not get in your lane. And when they get in your lane, you're like, dude, you're already a fucking movie star. You're already married to a fucking movie star.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Like I went off on alcoholism. I went off on people who quit drinking. Right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Did you hear this? No, it was bad. Anyone in the program got really upset with me. What were your points? My point was, if you're thinking about quitting drinking, don't. It's not the alcohol, it's you. So have a drink and let's figure this out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
My whole point was I know so many people who have quit drinking but didn't fix the problem.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Let's not say it's alcohol. Let's say it's you. And it was just to make Tom laugh. And I got lit up by friends in the program.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And then I was like, I already look bloated. Who gives a shit? Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
We were in Orlando and I had tied one on really heavy the night before and we had to do a podcast at 8 a.m. And I sat down and I was off. I go, I need a six pack. And Tom's like, what are we doing here, buddy? And I was like, you know what? Fuck you. It was before the podcast. He's like, what? And I go, bring it up. Say something. I dare you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And then they bring in a thing and he goes, we think maybe it's a little early to have a beer. You know what? And then I went on this rant. And then a few people that I really care about that are in recovery reached out really upset. And that bothered me. And then it went viral. And I was like, nah, fuck you. I would have never shamed you for it. Danny Trejo stood by me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
He's like, yeah, you got to fix the problem in you. It's not the booze. If it's not that, it's going to be jerking off for sex.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Where you've had to battle it or no? No, no, no, no. Just when you got the nuts, your cards are on the table and another card lands and it's your card and you don't know what he has in your heart. Nothing in the world would I trade for that moment. I remember my numbers 11. I always put money on 11. During the pandemic, I was in a casino. I put $100 on 11. Lady had a mask on. All eye contact.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Spins it. She's watching it. It hits 11, and I watch her eyes dart at me and her, and that feeling of hitting 11, and I've had two children better than the birth of either of them. Sure, sure. It felt so good. I split it with her.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, and I should never have split it with her because she doesn't get it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It's like if you gave money to a homeless guy on the side of the road, and he goes, yeah, I'm going to split it with all of us. You know, ugh. Well, I want you to have it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
First of all, what scenario did you just paint? There's no way any dude is like, I'm sharing it with all these people. I used to do a thing called waitstaff raffle. I just did it as a lark. It was the first time I ever sold out a show. It's the very beginning of me starting to sell tickets. And there was a snowstorm and I got bonused $100. Maybe it was more, but I had $100 in my hand.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I said, I'm going to give it to the whole staff. And then I realized, well, it's only 10 bucks a person. It doesn't seem that big. And then I said, I'm going to give it to one person. That's the thing I look for in life. If I'm addicted to anything, it's the sparkle of a moment. the sensation when you go for me, you know? And so I said, you know what I'll do?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I got on stage and I said, here's the deal. This wait staff, they've been busting their ass and they're going to probably walk with maybe 120 bucks tonight, which is good money, but we can make one of them really feel the moment. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to pass around my hat and just put in whatever you have. Don't take it away from your tip.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Just if you got like 10 or 20, just throw it in five bucks is fine. And I'm going to put a hundred dollars in and we got $700 that night. And we pulled a name out of all the waitstaff. Oh, this is so fun. One girl came up on stage, starts crying. This is a fucking powerful moment.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I don't know if you'll get it as much as me because you never a poor dad, but she said, I get to buy the nice car seat now. Oh. As a poor dad, I remember going to Target with Leanne when we were broke, looking at car seats and you'd see the good car seat. And this is my baby's life. And I got to get the cheaper one because I'm a fuck up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It gets better. You ready for this one? And you can find this one online. So I start doing it and it's fun. And I tell him, I said, we'll do it every show. Five of you will walk away with like a thousand bucks a night extra. And they loved it. And then we were in Louisville, Kentucky last show on Sunday. And we've been doing it the whole week. And I pull a name.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I go, Kevin, you don't want dudes to win. You don't want a guy to win. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
No, you're talking to a pro. I put my 10,000 hours and I'll tell you why. Okay. Black guys have a hard time with vulnerability. They try to be funny. They're not going to share like a white chick or a black chick will share. Black guys are a little standoffish. But it's Kevin. I go, Kevin, I improved 100% wrong. Yeah, I had a hunch that you were not on firm ground with this opinion.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, you're fucking born on third base. I bring him up on stage and he is trying to hold it together. And he's like, good looking out. Thank you. You can find the video online. I'm going to over-exaggerate for you listening because I want you to feel it. But you can watch it and it is just as moving. And I go, Kevin, you seem a little emotional. And he goes, no.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Oh, I'm going to get emotional telling you this. I said, buddy, I'm looking at you. What's going on? And he goes, no, I'm good. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. And I said, what are you going to do with this money? And he said, Saturday is my daughter's birthday. Now I get to throw her the party she wanted, and I get to be the dad she thinks I am.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He stands up, walks $100. Get that for your daughter. The whole fucking room starts coming out laughing. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Fucking make it rain. It was awesome.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
So it was a different time then. I think the real world and road rules was around. But celebrity wasn't as attainable as it is now. Overnight, it changed my life. Every publication wanted to write about me. There were like these tabloid news shows that would happen at like five o'clock in the afternoon. The American Journal, they all flew down. They spent time with me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Oprah wanted me and my parents to do it. Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life. Stop. I met Oliver Stone. This is the most bizarre. This is. It's the craziest set of life experiences you could ever imagine having, especially as like a 25-year-old kid. I had no plans for anything. I didn't know what I was going to do.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I was figuring I'll move to Aspen and just try to work on a ski lift or something, live with my friends. And then this happens. I still didn't know what to do with it. And in the article, I said I wanted to do stand-up. This radio show was like, yo, we'll let you do stand-up. Now, they were doing it to watch me fail. And then they'd have content for Monday. Okay.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
They put me last on the list of four professional touring comics at a place called Pop Bellies. Still there. I just went there the other day in Tallahassee, and I did 20 minutes. And it was stream of consciousness. Oh, scary. I had nothing written. Was the house packed with your now devotees from campus? No one would have been there if it wasn't me. It was all friends.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I find it rude showing up to a podcast on time. When I show up on time, I should show up like five minutes late to let them get settled. So today I was like, I didn't know your energy, so I didn't want to assume. When I get to do a podcast, I'm like, when I say two o'clock, it means I'll get there at two o'clock.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I was in a group called Scalp Hunters, which were the heads of all the attorneys. So all the attorneys were there. I was with my dad when I did the Amelie Arena in Tampa. And Derek Brooks. You know who Derek Brooks is? No. A Hall of Famer. Played for the Bucs. Played at Florida State. He says to my dad, he goes, it's amazing to see where he's at now from where he started. My dad goes, huh?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And Derek goes, I was at his show at Pop Ellie's. I was like, shit. So yeah, it was crazy. But I did great. Radio show offered me a gig on their show. They're like, we thought you'd bomb. Why don't you come in? Do third mic.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I don't know why, but when you're just like an average looking dude, you become funny so people pay attention to you. And then when you're funny, people pay attention to you. But the thing you were looking for is what good looking guys have where people are like, what's that guy's name?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I was never the guy where if you're with a group of girls, they're like, do you know who we have to set Jennifer up with? And you'd be like, please say my name. Please say my name. And they'd be like, Derek. He is hilarious. I'm like, Derek does fucking impressions of Ace Ventura. He's not fucking funny. And so then I remember eating at a Blimpies and these hot girls were staring at me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Perfect location for this story. It couldn't have been a better location. Hot Bellies is the first fucking stand up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
especially in college, my initial thought was what's wrong with her? Because I go, that doesn't happen to me. Something's weird about this. I mean, it was the craziest and the access you had to life. I remember ESPN sent two young actors down to hang out with me, shoot a commercial and party. One of those actors was Johnny Knoxville. Oh, come on. And this is like insane stories.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
The things that have happened to me in life just shouldn't track. And we partied. He showed me Camp Kill Yourself videos of them trying to break beer bottles on their head. And we took pills. We drank. He threw himself down a flight of stairs. We ended up dressed as women.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It was everything you wanted. You were a member of Jackass for a night. Yeah. It's probably five years before Jackass. I know this sounds fake. Johnny knows this is real. He was writing articles for Big Brother at the time. And he pitched me Jackass in his kitchen. Wow. Anyway, it filled holes. And so I moved to New York going like the fame shits for me. Yes. How do I get more of this?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And so I feel bad when people get there early and they're waiting on me. And then I'm like, I'm so sorry. I decided to walk to work.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I got a job at the Boston Comedy Club working the door to get stage time. And I sucked. And I was like, OK, hold on. Yeah, no friends there. And it looked like fame all of a sudden was really fading quickly. You know those pictures of Michael J. Fox and his brothers and sisters where their legs start disappearing? Oh, in Back to the Future? Back to the Future, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It was just a picture of my head. Everything was gone.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I mean, I auditioned for MTV's Who Wants to Be a VJ. Do you remember that? Sure, sure, yeah. With Dave Holmes and Jesse.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
On my 26th birthday, I woke up, no air conditioner, in New York, on a leather couch, hungover as shit. It's probably 9.30, and the phone rings. It's my dad. I look at caller ID. He probably just wants to wish me happy birthday. I'll let him do it. I'll go back to sleep. I was like, hey, what's up? He's like, you are a tremendous piece of shit. And I was like, what?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
He goes, I just perjured myself in court. I have never perjured myself. The judge said, Mr. Kreiser, how's your son doing in New York? And I said, fantastic, your honor. That's a lie. You have no humility. You are a fucking party boy. You have nothing. You don't deserve what you have. He really broke me off. Now I'm sitting up sweating still. I go, it's my birthday.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
That's a fair response. And he goes, I don't know what fucking day it is. Are you fucking kidding me? That's why I'm calling you. I remember saying, well, how do I fix it? And he goes, you can't. He goes, I fucked up and it's my problem. I'll deal with it. I'll help you out. We'll figure this out together, but just have fun. Be a party boy. And I was like, hold on. Oh, even worse. He's resigned.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And by the way, he wasn't doing the fake thing of like, it wasn't reverse psychology. Yeah. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I just said, I can't believe I'm at your house. It's so intimate. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Is it a good or a bad idea? You think it depends on who you have on your podcast. I have lunatics on my podcast. The night that we decided we no longer do in our house, it was me, Sam Tripoli and Eddie Bravo, my daughter, Isla, my daughter, Georgia and Eddie Bravo and Isla were learning jujitsu moves. Okay.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I was like, dad, stop for real. I want to fix this. And he goes, you don't have the skills to fix it. What you need is humility. That is what you don't have. You're too proud to do with someone that wants something will do. And he goes, it's my fault. You should have worked in warehouses. You should have done the hard work. You didn't do it. So I fucked up. And I was like, hang on.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
This is like a rough one. I remember my sisters laughed out loud, but I told him, I go, tell me what I need to do. And he goes, if you want my advice tonight, you go to that comedy club you go to and you ask for a job. You tell him you'll do anything. You'll mop the floors. And I go, okay, I can't do it tonight because I have a birthday party planned.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
He goes, what are you celebrating? My sisters are like, that's so dad right there. And he goes, you've got nothing. You're a piece of shit. That article was 20 months ago. It was. And I said, okay, I'll do what you said. What if they say no? And he goes, it doesn't matter. You just fucking go. So I went to the club. I went up to this guy, Louis Schaefer. I said, Hey, my name is Bert Kreischer.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And he goes, I know who you are. And I said, I would like a job. I'd like the opportunity to do standup. I came to be a standup. I'll clean up. I'll mop up. I'll put chairs out. I'll do whatever you want. And he said, can I give you my advice? And I said, sure. He said, move back to Florida. I was like, cool.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
So I went to the Bagot Inn, had a drink, went down to McDougal Ale House, met my friends, celebrated my party, woke up the next day, called my dad. And I was like, didn't work. And he goes, perfect. You show up again tonight. You say the same thing. And if he stops you, you say, here's the deal, buddy. I'm looking for an opportunity.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I'm going to keep asking you this question every single night for the rest of your God-given life until you give me an opportunity. So I go, dad, I'm gonna look like a fool. He goes, no, no, no. He goes, I want you to think about a young black kid in Harlem who doesn't have everything that's been given to you and think how hard he's gonna fight for that opportunity.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
So you think how lucky you are. So I walked in the next night and I was like, hey, Louis Shaver, my name is Bert Kreischer. And he goes, didn't I tell you to move back to Florida? I go, hey man, here's the deal, okay? My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. I was supposed to have a party. I didn't even really get to have a party. It was easier in college.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
This seemed so much easier when it was given to me. And working for it seems so difficult. And he said, I'll put you out front and you bark. If you can bring in 20 people, I'll give you 20 bucks. I'll give you a dollar for everyone you bring in and I'll put you on at the end of the night. And I went, deal.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And we're all high and we're all by the fire pit. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
sure and isla's like i'm mom i'm learning jujitsu it was really fun but my wife's like all right just so we were clear that energy we're not going to welcome that into our house every time we have a little bit aggressive she's like i like eddie i like sam but i don't know if we're gonna just anytime you have a band that wants to stick around and we had a band doing coke in our bathroom the other day yeah maybe keep those kids away from that i try to go ladies do you know who this is and then they're like no yeah
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
If you're a comedy fan, this is fascinating. Two things happened that night. Patrice O'Neill, Rich Voss, Jim Norton, and I think Bobby Kelly were standing on the side of the street. Do you know who Patrice O'Neill is? I know Patrice. Patrice was catcalling women. Now, I'm working the street, and I don't know these guys at all. And I said, I can't believe you think that would work.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Because I've never seen a catcall because I grew up in Florida. It's about foot traffic. We don't have that. Right. And so he goes, shut the fuck up. And I was like, that's not how you'd hit on a woman. It sounds aggressive. He was like, what would you do? And a beautiful woman, probably 35. Now I had to talk to her anyway because I had to try to get her to a club. I said, you look tired.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Why don't I take you out and I'll buy you a glass of wine and I'll listen to your day. And she went, I'm okay. And they made fun of me. She heard them make fun of me and she came back. She goes, you know what? I'll take you up on that glass of wine. And I looked at her and I went, I can't.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
No, I go, I just got my dream job. My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. Everything's working out. I can't throw it away for you. And I went, I can't. And she went, for real? And I went, no. And she walked away and I went, fuck. Louis Shaver's like, you got a job. He's like, you come every night. We'll put you up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Six months later, Will Smith discovered me, gave me a development deal and I moved out here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I'm sorry to run my own interview, but I'll tell you the thing that I think is interesting in this. Now I'm on the track to fame. Development to hang out with Will Smith all the time. He's introducing me to everyone as his guy. I'm like, fame's right there. It's going to happen again. I get a TV show, the FXX show. And I'm on TV every night. Things are happening.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I'm meeting Sammy Hagar and Slash and I'm meeting famous people. And one day I'm sitting in my car on the corner of Franklin by Vine, kind of. Beautiful winter day in LA in the morning. I'm driving the side of a Jason Williams jersey on. White chocolate Jason Williams? Fuck yeah, when he played for the Kings. Yeah, yeah. I'm in my Expedition, Eddie Bauer. I'm listening to Ja Rule. Oh, fuck yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I'm like, this is it. And I go, I thought I'd be happier. I guess it wasn't fame. I've got all the things I want. I have a development deal at Fox that's ending. I have one that's starting up again at CBS. I have a TV show. I'm doing everything I've ever wanted to do. You're still doing stand-ups throughout this? No. And so I lose it all. Meet Leanne, fall in love.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
What do you mean you lose it all? Fire just goes away. Shows aren't hits. What age was that? 27 is that day. And then I meet Leanne at 29. Now from 27 to 29, I get back into stand-up really aggressively. Yeah, you're like, this is what brought me to the party the first time.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
The lesson my dad gave me about humility, it was the biggest thing that ever helped because I was cool with sucking my pride in. I called it the improv. Now I've been on television shows. There's cachet for a comedy club. And then Aaron's like, yeah, I can't really just give you spots. But if you want, I'll let you host. Hosting in LA is frowned upon. Back in the day it was.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Meaning that's not what a real comedian does. The first time I did it, my wife brought her best friend and a few friends and her best friend said in front of everyone, Oh, I didn't know you were going to host. Let us know when you do stand up next time. Oh, yeah. I was like, okay. Stung. And I started hosting. This is what I got to do. This is what I got to do.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I just kind of worked my way back up. And then I got an opportunity to host in Ontario, which was a bigger opportunity. And then I met a couple of guys and then I started touring and going out on the road and everything was going great, but not making any money. 700 bucks a week. You got to pay managers and agents and you got to pay for travel and sometimes lodging. It's gone. It's gone.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
But then I married Leanne and we were broke. So broke. I didn't know we were broke.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
one day she sent me to the store to get milk and i got a gallon of milk and i bought a tall boy fosters i was listening to spoon that's the way we'll get by and i was on my skateboard and i was skating and we lived on detroit street and i was the happiest i'd ever been this is fucking it broke no fame but in the throes of stand-up so good at stand-up at that time two kids my wife worked for the buildings we had a great apartment and i had a tall boy of fosters and i was like leon my
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I was like, shit, this is Gavin Rossdale. Do you know who Gwen Stefani is? And they're like, yeah. I go, oh, God. Can you guys hug him or something? He's a legend. The only one that they ever got mad at me for not introducing them to was Tony Hawk. Oh, we love Tony. They were like, you had Tony Hawk here, Dad? It's hard to know what they're going to know, right?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
be pissed that i bought beer with whatever money she sent me to the store with yeah yeah and leanne happened to be watching me skate home when i got upstairs she was like don't ever lose whoever just walked in that door i was like yeah that's what you want the fame wasn't the thing and i didn't know that it was the work doing stand-up was the thing i loved purpose the purpose now listen
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I am famous now and I fucking love it. Access to anything is good.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And then I did another show called Trip Flip for four years. I was also a little bit of like a rover for them. They needed someone to do something. They could plug me in. I was always good with ad sales. I could help sell Carnival Cruises. And then they go, let's just do a show about Carnival Cruises. We got money from Carnival Cruises. I got fired from that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
For a specific reason or just it ran its course? No, it just ran its course. I was like, I would sign deals. Leanne always says, don't say fired, but that's what it feels like.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
The lady called me and she was like, hey, I think we're done working with you. We're not going to renew your deal. She had never worked with me. She was a new president. She was like, so good luck. Really cold. I could take back one conversation in the world. It would be that one. So I was like. Okay, but I don't want to work with anyone because I was just so needy. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Scared.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
My Showtime special was coming out. This is 2016. The Machine. Yeah. That's the game changer, right? Not yet. Here's what happened. I had to deal over at NBC. I lose interest in that. I'm kind of going through, I guess, what is depression. I find out. I mean, I don't know what depression feels like for real people, but my thing of it where it just sucks a little bit.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You went down to a 7.5 for a couple of weeks. Yeah. I was spending longer on the toilet than I normally do.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I put a lot of chips in this special, the machine. I was like, this is going to pop.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
they told me when i shot it they're like hey can we do one version with your shirt on when did that start you doing stand up with your shirt off i couldn't tell you exactly i would say probably 12 years ago i was in dayton ohio it was not a sold room it was like 75 people and i was like this is not where i want to be in life let alone this actual place and doc brought me a six pack of beer in a bucket and he's like have fun tonight i heard it is good luck
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I thought, man, these people paid money. They don't deserve to see me get upset and say I'm not happy. So I got on stage and Doc was in the booth. He was playing Ram Jam, Black Betty. The pacing to walk to stage is pretty awesome. And it fired me up. And I got up there and I went, fuck this. And I ripped my shirt off. 75 people went nuts.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
They're what, 19 and 20, your daughters? 19 and 20. Slipknot was a big home run. Five Finger Death Punch.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I think I murdered six beers in a row, back to back to back to back to back. Because I kept looking at Doc. I go, one more? And the place was like, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
and it was a thursday night one show you were like steve austin stone cold that energy and it started that night i've been doing it ever since it's so weird how you can stumble into these things that are such signature i do the showtime special shirtless this is back when changing a channel was a thing for anyone listening there's a thing you hold in your hand and there's a plus and a minus sign and you decide to go up a channel or down a channel if you didn't like what you saw and mostly you spent the entire two hours flicking you never even watched a whole thing it
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
This is the difference in media. Not to get too heady on this. When you had that remote in your hand, you were Caesar. You were thumbs up, thumbs down. So now the thing in traditional media where you have the remote in your hand and you're Caesar and a guy shirtless comes on stage and you go, oh, fuck that. Click is the exact opposite on the internet.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You see a guy with your shirt off and you go, wait, what's that? Yeah. And so I shot the machine lowest special they'd ever had on Showtime. Oh no, they told you that? How did you even find that out? They told us and they were like, you know, you could help to promote it. I was like, huh? And like, it's tracking to be the lowest we've ever done. I heard someone say this at the Oscars.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Success in Hollywood means I get to work again. I get to keep working. Exactly. But this meant I might not keep working. Yeah. Last special you'll ever have. Now I look at my tour dates and I have no tickets sold. And then I get, you know, you got to fix this somehow. And I was like, oh my God. Now at the time I was supposed to do a tour with Tommy. It was funny or die.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I was supposed to do four weekends. Sebastian, Tommy, Fluffy, Dane, I think was on Eliza. It was going to be fun. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend, which isn't bad money. And then they pulled my weekends. And I told Tom, and I was like, this is so crazy, man. They pulled my weekends. And he was like, holy shit, man, that's a lot of money. And I went, well, it's only like $2,000.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
He goes, $2,000 a show? I said, no, $2,000 for the weekend. And he goes, no, I think you got that wrong. I go, wait, what are you getting paid? Oh, no. right? Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if I want to tell you. And I was like, why? And he goes, I'm afraid it'll fuck up our friendship. So I'm sitting there in my man cave. I'm like, all right, give me a second.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I go, can I be happy for this man's success? And what's the price point where I can be happy? And where's the price point where I'm going to be like, okay, fuck that guy.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
So my head, I go, if he's getting 20,000 for the weekend, I'm happy for him. I said, what are you getting? And he goes, I'm getting 20,000. I went, cool. And he goes, a show. Ah, A show? A fucking show? You're making 80 grand on these weekends? And he was like, I told you I didn't want to tell you. But I was like, I already decided we're friends. So I'm like, okay, I'm cool.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
But then in that time, we're doing a little podcast called Rogan, which at the time is not what it is today. Meaning you were appearing on it. Yeah, and Rogan loves that we're fat shaming. So Tom and I go on, we talk about the fat shaming. He goes, why don't we do weigh-ins at the end of the year? January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, we'll do three sets of weigh-ins.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
That's three episodes of Rogan, back to back to back, where people are tuning in because we've talked about it. You guys do the weight loss challenge. See who loses the most weight in December. So I'm like, okay, but special bombed. So I'm trying to figure out how to rebound. I go, I know how to edit. I get the raw file of my special and I edit out four clips to post on Facebook, Twitter.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And that's good, right? It's just good across the board. Best energy in the world. I'm a natural extrovert, so I draw energy from people. And so to walk into a creative space like that, like I would have really thrived in one of those content houses. Those content houses the kids did? What's that? What do you mean, what's that?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I've learned it all. I've learned how to make graphics. I write my own graphics. I post the machine story December 27th. Me and Tom go in to do weight loss challenges on the first and second. And during that week, the machine story goes viral. I'd never experienced anything like it. And that first week in Jersey at the Stress Factory, Weight Staff Raffle, that was the first club I sold out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I said to them on Saturday night, I go, why are you guys here? And someone goes, the fucking machine. And I go, I retired that. And he goes, the fuck you did. Tell it. That's the only reason we're here. Yeah. So I told the machine. At that moment, 2017, that first weekend, January 8th, 9th, 10th, I sold out every show I've ever done. God, that's only eight years ago.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Okay, so how many dates did you do? I don't know. I do more dates than the average comic, which is fascinating because if you look at when they post all our earnings, you know, top 10 most earning comics, you look where I am and you're like, wow, that's impressive. But then when you look at the other comics and you're like, oh, Chappelle only did 13 dates. You're like, that's not that impressive.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
That's the thing. It's like deceptive about those things. Sure. But who cares? You can get it anyway. Who cares? But I work a lot. I always do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, three weeks a month with maybe a week off. I would go out Wednesday, do first weekend. So do you fly to meet your tour bus? I fly to meet my tour bus. Okay. And then Monday I'd fly to go see Tommy in Austin.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
We do podcast Tuesday and then I leave Tuesday night to go meet the tour bus. I do another run. I then fly out to do more podcasts or fly back to do pocket and then go back out and meet my tour bus. Oh, my God.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
When you don't have anything, not say I didn't have anything. But when you wanted the success, you wanted the fans, you wanted the opportunity to stand up all over the country and have people show up. When it shows up, you're like, I am not letting go of this. I look at like NFL players and they have all their great years when they're 22, 23, 24. It's heartbreaking.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I'm so lucky to have them at 49, 50, 51, 52 to a movie. And then you're getting all these opportunities. You just don't want to say no. You're like, fuck yeah, man, let's get after it. And you don't feel overwhelmed by all those commitments. Overshare. Yeah, please do. A year ago, we're closing on our festival and the girls in Leanne were like, cut the shit.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
If I'm not mistaken, I think they had a bed for me at Betty Ford. Those are hard to come by, by the way. And had to talk with me, but they're like, dad, he can't stop working. He can't stop drinking. He can't stop eating. I was 285 pounds and I saw it in me first. And I said to myself, let me get through this tour and then I'm going to stop.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I'm going to take some time off and I'm going to clean my lifestyle up. and I'm gonna still work, no booze, eat keto, lose weight. And what's crazy is randomly, a friend of ours was going a little harder than I was, and he took that bed. And no one said anything to me, but I had already quit drinking like 13 days before. Everyone was chomping at the bit to tell me,
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
but I'd already got in front of it. And then I quit drinking for like three months. I lost 55 pounds. I got in really good shape. I started touring again and I was doing it in a very healthy manner. But what was happening was I've never really taken a break.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Back in the day, they'd get a thing called Sway House. Now, I'm going to sound so fucking old.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It's wildly difficult to tell someone that's bringing in millions of dollars that what they're doing isn't working. Yeah. No one touches the golden goose, even if the golden goose bites in the dick a couple of times. But at the end of July, they were witnessing the same. I just shot my special. And they're like, what are you going to do? Are you going back on the road?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I planned a European tour. And they're like, dad, why don't you take some real time off? Get grounded. And I didn't understand that getting grounded meant getting really lost. In order to get grounded, you got to be scared. Yeah. With all the distractions gone and you have to sit with yourself. So I took a break. And in taking a break, I was like, yo. I'm very fucked up. I need distractions.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I need something in front of me. I need a goal. I need to sell some tickets. I got to write a script. My wife's like, no, no, you're not doing anything. You can do podcasts, but that's it. I've been off in a ditch trying to figure myself out. And then just recently we got that bench press competition. All of a sudden started writing side of goal. I understood goals and I was like, cool.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Don't be ridiculous, Monica. Oh, my God. Bryce Hall. Do you know who that is? No. Okay. We're really failing bad. This is worse than being caught looking at porn at your kid's school. I'm really embarrassed that I'm telling you that I followed this. No, we're embarrassed. Man, it's never a good look. The Paul brothers did it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. They're all for me, the creative frontier. I can set goals creatively. But like personally, I go, I don't know, man. My wife and I got in couples therapy. That helped immensely. We're not having a problem. We did it because I'm home for the first time. Yeah. My girls are gone. It's me and her. We have a joke where when we wake up, instead of saying, I love you, she just goes, you again, huh?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And so couples therapy started really opening my eyes to some shit about me. I mean, I think she got me into couples therapy just to get me into therapy. I know a few women who've done that. He's not going to go solo. So I guess I'll have to fucking sit through his session. Dude, I smoked her on the first one. Fucking killed it. It's intense. No, I smoked her. She lost so bad.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I look at it, win or lose. Yeah, of course. Everything's competition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, if she cries in couples therapy. That's a cheat. It's a fucking cheat. It's a cheat. Pretending it's all fair catch and then catching it and run. I go, yo, if you cry, God damn it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I said, this is kind of an unfair therapy because she's crying. She goes, unfair. Yeah, it's like, that's my feeling. Oh, you want me to cry? I can easily whip up some tears. Show me a commercial. Yeah, let me tell you about a Grateful Dead song. But on the first therapy, we were in there. Leanne just really loves therapy. She's talking and talking. And I'm just trying to feel it out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I went to say something. Leanne cut me off. And the lady goes, do you ever let him talk? And I was like, take the win. I was like, I'm just going to sit back in the cut. And I go, seldomly. You've been with me for, what, an hour? And have I let you say a fucking word?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She smoked me a couple times. OK, good. You sure? And I know this next week, I'm definitely going to fucking lose. I'm going in just taking a knee. Because she's got some real things to report. Pfft.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It was a good one. I can't even talk about it. Cause I got to let it happen first and then run it by Leanne. Cause it was a real one and it wasn't my fault, but I was like, I don't know, but it was, I really wish I could talk about it. I mean, we brought it up in front of friends the other day and it started again. And I went, Ooh, I was like, okay, maybe I can't make a joke out of this one.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Can I make a joke out of everything? Like my daughter got her period. I talked about it on stage.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It's interesting. When I started doing standup and using social media, it wasn't a thing yet. There was no chance of your family seeing, no one was doing specials, just on the road talking shit about your family. That's right. And the harder it went, the funnier it went. I remember telling the first joke I told that caught traction, George and Isla were laughing one morning, early in the morning.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
They'd get big on TikTok and then they'd move their friends in and then all day long they'd just create content. Oh, okay. I was 45 when they were doing that, 42. There was one that lived down the street from me. I was so jealous. I had a family, kids, a beautiful wife, dogs. And I'd drive by there and go, these kids are living it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I said, what are you guys doing? They're like, you gotta see baby Isla's new trick. I go, what is it? She's like, it's not that funny if I tell you, you gotta see it. I said, okay. So Isla is three at the time, takes her finger, shoves it up her ass and puts it in the dog's mouth.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Wow. They figured that out. It turned into a good bit and I told it. And then by the way, I got to do a special. They're only like five and seven. Tell it again. They're not going to hear it. And then do another one. And then they're seven and 10 and then they're 10 and 13. And the first time it bit me in the ass was the period party. I mean, it's like such a good bit. It writes itself.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I didn't have to do anything. It was presented to me as a fucking banger. On a silver platter. 13 years old, kid gets her period at school, calls dad and says, hey, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I'm throwing a period party tonight. I'm like, okay. It's on, yeah, yeah. And so I tell it on Conan. Uh-oh.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Conan walks in and he's like, hey, man, how are the girls? I said, good, good. And I said, I just got a period. And he went, oh. I said, yeah, you're telling me. I go, we had a period party. And he's like, wait, what? And I tell him the story. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, save it. Can you tell it on stage? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're like, you want to do well. Yes.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You want to make Conan happy. And then that night, I watched it. how are your girls? Good. I just got a period. She has pause. She goes, do people watch this? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, how many? I said a lot. She was like, well, people in my school see this. And I was like, yeah, probably. She was like, wait, let me see the rest.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And then I was like, oh my God, she was fine. I could tell something was off. And then the next morning, Liam was like, I need you to see something. And it was a flood of emails of little girls going, thank you. You're my hero. Thank you so much for sharing.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You can get away with that at three. That's true. And then the last special, or maybe the one before, she had a line that I wanted to use so bad. It was so good. You ran it by her and she said no? I didn't even run it by her. She saw my set. The girls now come and vet my sets. Oh, okay, okay. That's fair. They've learned. They were at the forum with notebooks going, nope.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She was like, hey, you can't put that in the special. I go, but you said it. She goes, I know, but I said it to you. She goes, I can't be the person that said that out loud to everybody. Yeah. And I was like, baby, I'll give you 20 grand. Yeah. She was like, no. And I just kept going up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Them and Leanne, initially, when I was doing it at the forum, I'd done so much of this shit about Leanne that it kind of came out... Angry-ish? Yeah, angry. Yeah. And they were like, yo, dad, you're losing your smile in this joke. And then my director said that to me and my best friend who produces my specials. He was, yeah, man, the smile's gone. Like, I think you've been doing it too much.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You need to stop and then find it again. And so I got the smile back for it. Because I talk shit about... A 54, almost throw up saying it, 54 year old woman. If you don't make that fun, it does sound like you're shitting on women. We need to know at all times you're deeply in love with.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
My danger isn't politics and my danger isn't racial shit. And they may have been at times in my career. I mean, I have a political joke in the special. I don't give a shit. No one's going to fucking leave me for it. Well, you'll love it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And they lived in mansions in the hills and they just light their pool on fire. Hey! Cut the top off of a Lamborghini. Oh, neighbors would be living. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah, I watched it last night. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
When I was 14 years old, we were in Anna Maria Island. I was with the Lazaro family. We were in chest high water. And Benny Lazaro said, oh shit, I just lost my ring. And I went really, and I had this feeling that God whispered in my ear, you'll find it. And I swear to God, I went over to where he was. I put my foot down and I stood on his ring.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And you're a hero. I went underwater and I grabbed it. And this is my thing. I love the sparkle. I said, Uncle Benny, what are you going to say to me if I say I have your ring in my hand right now? He said, I'll tell you right now, if you are holding my ring in your hand, you are my favorite child in this water and I love you more than my son. I went, boom.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And he went, how the fuck did you do that? And I go, I don't know. And my whole life, I've been able to do that my fucking whole life. If you lose something, I have a weird confidence where I just go, I'll find it. And by the way, also, I'll put in the work to find it. Some people go, oh, let's look. And then they don't really look. And I go, you're not really committed to this finding.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I'm going to tell you, this is a wild one. 15 years ago, back when SeaWorld was acceptable to people, we went to SeaWorld San Diego. And you could go guilt free. Yeah, we were like, that was cool. Shamu rocks. He looked happy. Since we don't have Shamu, have you noticed the orcas are acting up a little bit? You think they want Shamu back? You think they miss him?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I think they might have found out what we did, and they're not afraid of us anymore.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I feel like I got it now in my house. I go there. I'm not lighting pools on fire. But today we had a creative meeting for a sitcom. First day of productions. Everyone comes in. They move out. We got a movie pitch.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You're like, what are you doing? She's like, that bitch won't do shit to me anymore. I'm 15. What's she going to say? Fuck you, old lady. And that's the orcas. They're like spoiled rotten grid kids.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Anyway, we go to SeaWorld and we're walking to the parking lot and I find a diamond ring with an engravement in it. And I go, wow, that's crazy. So I'm going to give this back to the person.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And Leanne said, honey, I call SeaWorld. I go, lost and found. They go, yeah, yeah, no one reported a ring. Just drop it off. I go, no, no, no, because I don't trust you guys. I already see what you're doing. You're not a house of ethics here. By the way, Twitter's not even around yet. Probably a year later, I post a clip. I hold onto this ring. I'm like, hey, I found a ring at SeaWorld.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It's got an engravement. It's rubies and a diamond. It's a really nice ring and it's expensive. And I go, if you lost this ring, fine. My daughter comes in. She's young. She's dressed as a kitty cat. It's a cute video. Radio silence. At one point, we're really low on money. And Leanne goes, if we sell this ring, it could get us out of the hole. And I said, that's not our ring to sell.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
That's someone's ring that I'm holding until I give it to them.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I talk about the fucking ring everywhere. I have this ring. I'm pretending to hold it in my hand right now. 2020, seven years later, my wife calls and says, someone reached out about the ring.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I said, for real. She goes, yeah. She says it's her mother's ring. She knows the inscription and she lives in San Diego and she would like to come to your show. I have a show there. And if she gives you the right inscription, then it's obviously her ring. This woman comes up with her husband. She's emotional. And she goes, I think you have my mother's ring. What's the inscription?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She goes, the inscription is in cursive. It's LH plus dot dot. Those are my parents' initials. I go, here's your mother's ring. You didn't make her go, what are you going to say if I, because you like to do that part. You like a lot of acclaim. I go, here's your mother's ring. Do you think your mother would be happy that I gave you her ring back? Okay, so a little bit of that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She looks at me and she goes, my mother was a cunt. Oh my God. She goes, I swear to God. She died and she gave me this one ring and I hated my mother. And I was at SeaWorld and I fell out of my purse and I said, she fucking lost this ring because she hated me and she wanted to prove me a lesson. And I go, really? I go, what are you going to do with the ring now?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She goes, I'm going to fucking sell it. And I went, oh, wow. I should have sold the goddamn ring. It could have helped us. Kids could have gone to private school.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I have always found shit. You know what I'm doing to promote this special? And my wife thinks I'm a lunatic. I see pennies all the time. I always pick up pennies. Look, this is the eight year old side of you. If you can get me into a game, you have lost for the day. I'm set. So I got a hundred dollars worth of pennies. That's a lot of fucking pennies. Oh my God. It's too many pennies.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
10,000 pennies. I'm throwing them all over the city. I put them in front of people's cars. So when they go to their car, they're like, Hey, Good luck. I don't know if it works or not, but maybe.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I have a new tour called Permission to Party. Which you came up with in an interview you were doing. I did. I was talking to this guy and he goes, I'm kind of confused. I've been to one of your shows. These guys are taking their shirts off and they're not in great shape. And they're watching the whole show shirtless and they're with their wives and they're getting hammered. And he's like, why you?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I said this for real. I was like, I've always given people permission to party. I've always been the guy that like a kid's birthday party. They're like, yo, are you going to ask for beer? Cause we're all wanting a beer. It's Sunday morning.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I love it. I wasn't going to drink this weekend. So I was like, I'm going to get ready for the month. We just flown in from Spain. Saturday, it's four o'clock. It's a beautiful Saturday. I remember Saturday was a good one. Yeah, it got really warm. Dan goes, I could have a glass of rosé. Now, I'll never say no to a glass of rosé ever in my life. If I get sober. Ha ha ha.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
If you offer me rosé, I'll still drink it. Yeah. I love rosé.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I drank so much rosé during the pandemic. Oh, my God.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Well, there's touring. There's TV. There's movies. There's podcasts. And then there's the vodka. There's the 5K cooking show. And that's the beautiful thing about this is whatever idea. I mean, I have my own fucking flip flop. Oh, God, let's see this.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
On a motorcycle. Can I tell you what I just discovered this year? Campari Spritz.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Campari tastes a little earthier. So when I was a kid, there was a commercial, Campari on ice. Oh, so nice. And I remember going, ooh, I want to get into Campari as a kid. What is Campari? You had big dreams. Is that a brand or a type of alcohol? It's a aperitif, I think. And it's basically a liqueur, but it's got a very earthy taste to it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Two parts Prosecco, two parts Campari, splash of soda water. Wow. I think you should make that tonight.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Can I... Okay. Okay. Can we start a game? Sure. Because once again, if you gamify life, this will be so fun. We got to do a three-way text because I can't text.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
You are. I never. But we should do a group text where we text each other what to drink. Maybe we're emotional cheating in that. Then I'm like, I want to be where she is. Yeah, you'd be like, oh, I killed her that they don't have that at my bar. Wait, what bar are you at? Yes. I had a very attracted female comic. She goes, you know, I really like you. And I was like, thanks.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She's like, I feel like we connect. And I go, we kind of do. She was like, would you be my drinking buddy? Sometimes I want to go get a drink, but I don't want to get hit on. And I kind of just want to have a buddy that I can talk shit with and talk shit about comedy. Would you be my drinking buddy? And I was like, yeah. So one night... I'm at home with Leanne.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It's like 8 o'clock at night, and I get a call from her. I go, hey, what's up? She goes, hey, I'm going out. You want to come meet me up? I was like, yeah, done. And I hit it. I go, hey, I got to go. She's like, what's going on? I was like, what's your name? She said, we're going to go out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I go, no, it's just me and her. She's like, we're going to drink. And Leanne's like, hold on. You're not going out drinking with just a random woman. I go, it's not a random woman. I've known her for eight years. She's my drinking buddy. We connect. I had to call her back and go, my wife will let me come. Yeah. I'll tell you a person for real. She'd admit this.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She'd make fun of me for saying this. Whitney Cummings and I have a real connection as comics, almost like brother and sister. She is really close with my daughters, really close to my wife. But I will tell you this, and this is my perspective, or more importantly, it's Leanne and her boyfriend, Chris's perspective. If we go out on a double date, Whitney and I just take off on our own.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Listen, this is going to sound so detached. But once you get a certain level in success, you get to kind of just call your own shots. So there was a flip-flop that I liked, and they stopped making it. So I started cyberbullying them. I said, everyone online, just hit them up. Tell them that this is bullshit, that they're not making my flip-flop anymore. Can I live without these?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
We went to the Greek to go see Sturgill and both of them were looking at us like, are you guys together? Are we going to be here? And then we went to her kid's birthday party and Whitney and I just took off.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Leanne, I'm trying to bite my tongue because I'm trying to say like the first time Leanne saw me and Whitney hang out. And Whitney is like a sister to me. And I mean that for real. My daughters call her Aunt Whitney. You got her name tattooed on your back. And you're bros. Yeah. We went to Dr. Woo, whatever. My wife's like, you can't ignore it because you guys are good together.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
So she's like, if you have a show, you need to hire her as your wife or your sister. You need to work together. Yes. She was like, but remember, your chemistry is just funny. She's like, if you fucked her, she wouldn't like it. Yeah, don't get confused. Yeah, don't get confused.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
No, I got to be honest with you. I bet it's a three-way text.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
But you know, also I don't read texts. So like a lot of people go, if I'm going to text Bert, I'll text Leanne too.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
No, we couldn't do it. It couldn't be one-on-one because it would turn into emotional achievement. Okay. All right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Okay. Let's play the game just live then. Yeah, live. Okay. Tell me what to drink and I'll tell you what to drink. And this has got to be the first drink you have. Oh, this is a fun game. Have you had Fredette?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It's an aperitif too, I think. So my buddy Mark Smalls always has a shot of Fernette to start the night. Oh! And it turned into a fun thing where we'd all have a shot of Fernette and no one really enjoys Fernette. But if you drink Fernette enough, you start to enjoy the fact that you don't like it. Okay. Sure, sure, sure.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
All right. It's a fun way to take the thinking out of it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Can I tell you? Kind of the fun of this is going, can I get a bee's knees, please? Oh. And then sipping it and going, oh, she knows me so well. Right. Okay, great. But do they know it everywhere? Yeah. If you go to a good place, they'll know it. I like a brandy Alexander and a pack of palm oil. Yeah, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
The guys that own the company hit me up. They're like, hey, man, we're not doing great in business. And I was like, well, then let me help. And my first thought was like, I need size 12s. Just give me a thousand and I'll wear them for the rest of my life. Are they Reeves? No, they're Free Waters. They're great flip flops. And then I said, well, wait, how many do you need?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I'm so glad that I get to eat my words and say I'm so happy you got into podcasting. Oh, thank you. I'm being serious, man. If for nothing, I've said this to you before, people have brought this up to me about what a great, great episode. I'm the same way, live by the sword, die by the sword, where I'm 100% honest. Maybe I'm over-honest. Maybe I overshare.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
But when you talked about falling off the wagon... I remember where I was when I listened to it. I remember just how vulnerable it was and how cool it was to hear someone take accountability. And the conversation you got, it was just incredible. I think it was during the pandemic. And I was in the pool listening to it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Only real podcast listeners, us diehards, know the feeling when you've got a phone and you're just right there and you're with every word. And someone's like, hey, can I get you? Hang on, stop. I'm in the middle of something. And they're like, what? I'm like, My friend Dax fell off the fucking, I know him so well. He just flushed 16 years of sobriety. Shut the fuck up. It's crazy.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I said, when I first met Rogan, I'd listened to so much of the podcast. He invited me to do the podcast. I went to his house. I go, I know this guy. He's like my buddy. And I never met him. I was like, Hey, Hey man. He's like, it's good to meet you. And I was like, I know you. And he was like, what? And I was like, I need to meet your dogs. I need to see your deprivation tank.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I want to play a game of pool. I want to get high. And then I'll be ready. I go, look, man, I'm a big fan. I need to get this out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I don't need any money in the company. Give me a price point where it's financially beneficial for you to make flip flops. Because if you could sell like 5,000 flip flops, I'd do it. I went, great. I said, make 5,000 in my style, the kind I like. Put my name on it. I don't care, but I'll sell to my fans. We sold them in like 15 minutes. Nice. Really?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And at that point, I realized, oh, there's bigger things in this business.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
We had to get christened by a gatekeeper, which was so frustrating. I remember getting my first camera. It was a GL2. It was a Sony or Canon, Canon GL2. And I shot shorts. I just needed to do. And I edited them and I gave them to my manager and he goes, what am I supposed to do with these? At that moment, I thought this needs to go away because I was like, I know I see stuff and I like it. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
And I was like, what about the guys from South Park who made the Jesus fights Santa Claus? They made something. Now everyone sees it. I got really bored when I was a travel channel and I started doing a vlog. I got really into Casey Neistat, Mr. Ben Brown. Fun for Louis.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I love being a fan of shit. There's no sexier feeling in the world. I hope someone's getting this right now. This is the coolest feeling you'll ever get in the world is when you discover something and you like it and you deep dive and you find so much more shit and you're like, oh, I haven't even started. It is so fun. You know, I'll tell you this. I'm a big Grateful Dead fan.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I've been lucky enough to be around them, dead and company. I've gone to the sphere.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Exactly. I got so moved at the Sphere for you two that David Copperfield left our box. Because? I was crying aggressively. My daughters could not stop laughing. They were filming all of it. Wow. And I was just sobbing. The older I've gotten, I've gotten very emotional. but I'm a big dead fan. I love when you discover something. And so for me, it was vlogging.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I've discovered Casey Neistat and Mr. Ben Brown. When I found these guys, I got turned on and I started deep diving them. And I was like, this is sexy that they're in control of everything. And I started doing my own vlog. Very simple at first, a little more complex and people followed it. And I got made fun of.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I mean, trust me, Rogan lit me up a couple of times and I was like, we're going to film us playing pool. And he was like, the fuck? We just did a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. But I got really into it. And in doing that, I just learned how to edit videos.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
When I learned how to edit videos, I realized I was now in the driver's seat of my own career because I could put out whatever content I needed out on whatever timeline I needed it to promote whatever show I needed. And in doing that, I think I learned to follow my heart.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
That means we're making your pilot. They buy it with the commitment to make the pilot. At NBC, shout out to Tal Rabinowitz. I knew her when she was assistant. I walked into the room. She's now running NBC. She was always cool. She was like, say less. Done. And then my best friend started fat shaming me. What year was this? This was 2016, I think. I had just gotten fired from Travel Channel.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I already knew how to edit everything. I knew how to vlog. And Tom started fat shaming me. And I was like, I know Tom doesn't know how to do any of this shit. I'm going to destroy him. And so I started fat shaming him. At one point, my manager and agent called my wife and they were like, hey, we need Bert's notes on the pilot. And she was like, oh, he's done. And they're like, what?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
She was like, it took too long. He's done. He's on to this fat shaming thing. Yes. He's not going to do it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I made you younger than me. My two writers on my show were like, you're meeting Dax Shepard today? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, how old is he? And I went, probably like 40. And they're like, he's fucking 40? And I was like, I don't know. And they're like, you were just with him. How do you not know how old he is? And I was like, I think he seems young as shit.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I shot my special in St. Petersburg. Specials comes out on Netflix March 18th. Lucky. And I shot it in St. Petersburg. Very emotional.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
No. My dad doesn't like me talking about this, but he doesn't listen to your podcast. So I think we're safe. Yeah, yeah. I was talking about it on Rogan one time. Rogan said, can't be real. So I call my dad. I go, hey, yo, dad, do you ever represent dot, dot, dot? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, cool, I'm on Rogan. He goes, what? Don't fucking tell people who I represent.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Buddy, you can't tell people who I represented. But they have a building right on this road. The people he represented have a building on this road. Very big building. A mile that way. Scientology.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
So he met an author. Okay, wonderful. The author loved boats. I mean, you would think the guy lived on a boat. And then he did build a boat he lived on. Yeah, yeah. We lived in what I would say a white trash neighborhood. I apologize if there's anyone that grew up with me. Not my second neighborhood, not Faircloth Estates, but the first neighborhood was white trash.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I remember in first grade, I went over to this dude, Darren, and we used to play football together. Darren, Darren lived on that street. And he was with a chick. And I just went up with my ball. I was like, yo, we're playing football today. And he's like, buddy, I'm fingering a girl right now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
like oh my god that's like when i said to someone no i was drinking with a bunch of miners and they're like what and i was like yeah they were fucking fun and they're like where were you i said west virginia coal miners yes coal miners what are you doing grew up in white trash my dad gets this one client promise of big money buys a house for like i don't even know 130 000 in 82 that's a lot it's big three bedrooms office downstairs on a lake no pool
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
you had no pool that was our pool gator pond dude there are signs that you grew up in florida and it is you're hyper aware of gators and snakes i've never once walked across my lawn and not watching my feet land yeah that's florida and i never have gotten in a fucking lake and just thought this will be fun as a kid you get water you're like feet up i don't want to get eaten it was terrifying
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Dude, Florida is so fucked up. I think Florida and Australia are the closest cousins you get in the world. Everything can kill you in Australia. The weakest people in the world, Germans. That's odd.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Nothing. They don't even have wolves. In Australia, have you ever been to Australia? Oh, yeah. Especially in northern Australia. Every sign is written in English and in German. Because Germans have lived this carefree life with no snakes, no alligators. They have deer. Maybe a raccoon. Maybe. And so they go, this water looks fun. And then gators got them in its mouth.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I just said to someone the other day, the best geography joke ever was Homer Simpson. And he goes, who cares about Canada all tucked away down there? Exactly.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
Way to dance around it. Yeah. Things that seem interesting in your life are just your life. And you're like, I don't really remember. All I know is that we got into move into a nice house in a nicer neighborhood based on the client. And then the client allegedly just kind of bounced. And then we had a house with no furniture in it. But from the street, you guys look like you're going wild.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
It looked like we were killing it. But if you walked in our house, you're like, oh, did you just move in? You're like, no, we've been here a year and a half. Right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
No. It's weird what doesn't bother me. And then it's weird what bothers me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Bert Kreischer
I'll give you a perfect example. When I talked shit about you on Two Bears. Yeah, right. And then I heard that it came to you. I got really upset about it.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I've been breaking out like a teenager. You got a lot of pimps? I just sit here. This one's a white head. I'm breaking out like TJ. White heads are better than black heads. I shaved all my pubes down there to look like a little boy. I don't know why I did that. You know what I mean? Why? You can't say that? Did you really? You went, let me see. Why? You went flush? Yeah.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to watch Brokeback. There's a couple of things. La La Land, I can't watch. Never seen it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, what movies can't you watch? There's a string of them. Like when you said Aurora. What? Whatever. Anora. Anora. Anora. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, you watched it. Never saw it. Oh. Because of you. It's worth a watch. Yeah, yeah. And so there's just certain movies.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
Baby Girl. I can't watch it. I buy it. I can't watch it. Would, because of the social restriction behind it, you feel like you're not supposed to watch it? It's not you? Lisa Gilroy killed it on Black Mirror. I didn't see it. The first episode she's in Black Mirror, she killed it.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
Dude, I fainted. Okay, I'm going to tell you about that. May I tell you about Love on Spectrum? Yeah. Bro, I had a, I cried.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I am. No, don't. Now you ruined the bit. Why can't I do that? You are autistic. Yeah. I am, Andrew. Okay. Connor's the best. Connor is the king. He's the king. And also.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
Did you finish the very final episode? I haven't done all of them. Don't do that. Don't do anything. Or can I just say something at the end of it, though? No, don't. I'm not going to ruin it for you. I have to say what I need to say.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
That's so funny. Why did you do that? A desire to be youthful. And then I shaved my head to look boyish. And everyone's like, you look so boyish. And because of the losing the weight too, I kind of look boyish. You do look. Like data from the Goonies a little bit. Right. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like supplies or whatever he said. Surprise. And so I feel youthful.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
Mine was squid. Dried squid. Yeah, yeah. I want to take the tentacle, the dried tentacle, and just suck it through my mouth.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I went to the Abbey. I was thinking about you. How does that feel?
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
What is that? You're gay. I'm gay? Can I finish my... Can I finish my thing?
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I know, but when you did, oh, wow. That was me hanging upside down. So what I'm going to say something is that in the last episode of, the very last episode of Love on the Spectrum. If this ruins it, I will fucking fight you. That's your problem. I'm setting boundaries with you right now.
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
I feel energetic. I'm in a very good mood, but you know what? I'm going to say something to you, pal, because you're my best buddy. You know what I mean? And your redness really, I think about it at night. I know I just said that, but I do. I like that. I want the pain. I'm addicted to the pain. The pain of relationships?
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
If you look in the mood for love, Wong Kar Wai, you know how they can't, they're in love with each other, but they can't. Yeah, they just can't do it. Paris, Texas, they can't. Brokeback Mountain, they do. And they do it good. When they do, they do it good. And they do it hard, but they do it sensual. I never saw the movie. Really? In my mind. You never watched it?
Bad Friends
New Episode on Patreon Today
No, but I've had dinner with Jake before. And I saw it in his eyes. I've never watched it. I didn't watch it either. Isn't that weird? You know what it is? We have to watch it because, you know what it is? I think it's because maybe I'm like, I'll be uncomfortable, but I'm into that kind of love.
Bertcast
# 674 - Billy Gardell is a Quitter
We can do it. We did it. Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
Bertcast
# 674 - Billy Gardell is a Quitter
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
May 4th, we are bringing the whole crew back, including Jelly Roll. Me, Tom, Jelly Roll. Listen, if you don't think you can do it, Tommy, tell them they can do it. You can do it. We can do it. We did it.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
slide butler ohio and see if it comes up you slammed at the skate park i slammed so fucking hard and it just rained oh yeah and i was like and i was got real confident and i slammed and i fucking onto my arm or like i thought i broke a rib i mean it was like and then i was like you know man maybe this is and i watched someone break their wrist uh and i was like and as soon as you watch someone fuck themselves up you're like yeah this isn't like same day
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Uh, yeah. And I was like, I was like, man, I can't afford to break a wrist. Like I just, I have too much stuff going on. And so, yeah, I haven't, uh, what kind of skateboard do you ride?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Dude, my buddy Chris Cole is a professional. Cobra. Yeah, Cobra. Yeah. And he was telling me a story about he was skating and he didn't realize he had broken his leg. And he was like, yeah. And then I was like, man, my foot's not working right. And he was like, and then I just go to the doctor. I'm like, yeah, man, you broke your leg. And he was like, that ain't that fucking crazy.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Here's the thing that maybe people don't understand is when you are on the road, like living on the road, for lack of better words, it's kind of like being homeless. And so to have a little space for yourself means so much to be like, Oh cool. This is my seat. This is where I always sit.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And I was like, I would have known. I didn't even feel it. He's Chris. Chris Cole is fucking. Yeah, he's a legend. Dude, he's a legend. I was with him this weekend. He was taking pictures of me with a horse. I love dude. I fucking skateboarders are like the coolest fucking dudes. I go to I went. I'm friends with Tony Hawk. And he asked me to come out to.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
He invited me to go out to X Games this last year, and I just went to watch him skate the vert ramp.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
You're like, what the fuck? There was a kid skating that day that I was fucking rooting for. He was like a child. Of course. And he was going after it. Nowadays, it's a path, though.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I've gone through phases of skateboarding, and what's funny is...
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
tony hawk and i were telling the stories of when i got it back into skateboarding and it was all the times he had financial reward like what like anytime i got back in like uh like begin like 2000 or like 90 99 he was like oh yeah everyone started getting back i was broke up until then yeah and you're like yeah and then i was like uh 2006 i think maybe i got tony hawk skater yeah
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
No, you don't, you have to have played the game to get this and no one ever understands what I'm saying. So we take, my daughters are probably like two and four maybe. And we take them down to, uh, to the long beach aquarium. And, uh, I'm walking around the Long Beach Aquarium, and I'm like, God damn it, I fucking know this place. Like, I feel like I've haven't been here before.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
It was like crazy deja vu. I was like, we should get something to eat. And I said, there is a food court across the bridge. He goes, what? And I said, yeah, I've skated that rail. Yeah. I'm so good. If you can get into the pizza parlor, you can spin on top of the pizza pie. She was like, what? And I was like, oh, I played this on Tony Hawk's skate. You're like, the hidden tape is over there.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
There's a fountain. You gotta fucking jump up on top of the fountain and fucking spin. You get a lot of points.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
It's just like... The one I'm always fascinated by is Love Park. Oh, shut up.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I should have had Chris come over and be on this podcast. He's a big Love Park. I'm always fascinated. I dig into BAM. Chris is like, people sleep on how good BAM was. Oh, yeah. The average person...
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Pull up the picture of him stuck. Because I saw that on my Instagram. And they're like, an hour later. And he's still up there.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Yeah, there he is. There he is. It's a great album cover, though, guys.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Dude, Jackass... I don't think... You know... It's my love for Steve-O. Like, I love Steve-O. I just saw him last week in Nashville. And I love that guy because that guy has brought me so much joy. Yeah, 100%. I remember where I was when I watched him swallow a goldfish and then throw it up. Yeah. On a street, on a sidewalk. You saw that in person? No, no, no, no. On TV.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And we all, we all had to get to move out. It was too much. Wait, so where's everyone from? You're from Cleveland. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I mean, his story, in my opinion, is a hero's story. Listen, I always joke about sobriety, but there are certain people who should not party. Steve-O is one of them. Honestly, if he had kept partying, he'd be dead. And everyone would have done this. We saw that coming. Everyone would have been arrogant about a man's death. And that makes me angry. I get upset about that.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Because, you know, look, we're all going to die one day. Yeah. It's how you die. It's how you die. But. I don't like when, like, but the fact that he got sober and he's so successful and he's killing it in comedy and content and specials, everything he's doing, he's a fucking success story. He should be at everyone's AA meeting talking. Yeah. Because if Steve-O can do it, anyone can do it.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Now, me, I'm not doing it, but. I'm not doing that shit either, bro. I just, I never, like I said, when you got sober and I heard that story and I want you to tell that story.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Do you want to hear a weird fucking story? Yeah, of course. Stacey, do you meet Stacey?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Stacey is getting her hair done. Do you know this story? No. Bring Stacey up. Stacey, come up here. This is kind of fucking wild. Where are you from, Johnny?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Let's take our time with this story because I want you to know that I was a shit in public kind of guy for a very long time.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Naked. Walked out, tie. Totally naked. Didn't say a word. Turned around. Shit. And I won the election. I won it by a landslide. The guy I beat goes, this is bullshit. Someone goes, no, it's bird shit. It's underestimated just how funny shitting in public is.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Oh, I loved it. Shitting in public is hilarious. It's a mic drop moment. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Dude, the freezer turned... Quinn, can you get her to pull that up up there so we can all see it?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
As a professional comedian, someone who I am a very successful, been doing it for 25 years. I know what I'm doing. Multiple Netflix specials. There is nothing funnier than a defrosted turd at the moment that it decides it can no longer hold its integrity and where you get, who's in the room where it drops out of the chandelier, hits the ground, and they think the Lord just shit on them. Bro.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Just so you know, I shit in your chandelier two years ago, and I feel horrible about it. My name's Bert Kreiser. I owe you tickets to my next show.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Play the video if you can. Play the video. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Bro.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
the smoothest turd you've ever looked like a hot dog just like yeah it was insane the other thing is you you don't get to dictate your own sense of humor your own sense of humor is built around your boys right yeah so if your boys like i'll say there's certain things that i do that people find odd like i have no problem with nudity because growing up i grew up with dudes who just would you get naked and then they shower in front of you and that was something that what happened and so i have
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I wasn't comfortable with it when I was in fifth grade, but real quick, you go, I'm not going to be the one guy with my boxers on in the shower. I'm going to be comfortable with this.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Well, I will when we get in this chat thread. Yeah, yeah. I can't wait.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Crying, laughing. My big ones, the ones I always want to send to people is when I blow out a toilet.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
When I, when I, when I, cause I will get aggressive, volatile diarrhea and I will shoot it down and it'll blow back up on the seat. Oh, dude.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
It'll like hit the wall. Amazing artist. What are you going to say?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I'm 52. My stream's kind of soft. My stream's kind of soft. My loads are even got worse. Like when I was a kid, I'd shoot ropes. And now when I come, you just hear.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
So when I was on the road, one of my favorite things to do was write Yelp reviews. Oh really? But, really in-depth passionate yelp reviews only of stuff i loved yeah that's when i was on travel channel and one dude found them and was like hold on is this bird and then i got famous yeah and they're like aggressive yelp which doesn't say your name
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
would you shit on places no never okay so i did one time i was in maryland i was in maryland and uh baltimore okay and uh i went to this i went to this sports bar and um it was i was i wasn't famous at all i was just a comic but i was doing rogan's show when rogan's show was like pretty big but wasn't what it is today we're still doing out of the house yeah i think and so um
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I went in and I said to the guy, hey, what's good? And he goes, I don't know. I said, well, you work here. Like, what do you recommend? And he goes, I don't know, man.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I go, well, like, can you steer me in any direction? And he goes, turkey sandwich. Do you like turkey sandwiches? I go, yeah, good one. And he goes, turkey sandwich. I go, cool, can I get a beer? And he goes, what kind? And I said, well, is he at any local? And he goes, Heineken. And I went, okay. I was like, I'll take a Heineken. So the turkey sandwich comes out. There's nothing on it.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
It's just turkey and bread, and it's not even fucking good. No au jus, no cheese, no mayonnaise. I say, hey, man, can I get some, like, vegetables to put on this. He was looking for a salad. And I was like, you know what? I'm good. I killed my beer, left half the sandwich, and I fucking lit him up on Yelp. I was like, fuck this place. Don't ever fucking go there. It sucks so bad.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And then I go on Rogan like Tuesday. That's Thursday. I go on Rogan Tuesday. And he's like, who the fuck writes Yelp reviews? And I go, I just lit this fucking place up. And he was like, what? And I go, yeah. And Rogan's getting famous. They all go to this place.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
owner reaches out to me he's like hey man i'm a small business owner and i wish you would as opposed to destroying my business and killing my family's future i wish you would just reach out to me and told me i have a shitty employee this isn't wait is that it right there oh my god it is holy shit 15 likes?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I was so livid. But now here's the deal. It doesn't behoove you to do anything negative. And I've learned this. I've had really wild interactions, especially when someone knows who you are and they don't tell you they know who you are and they treat you like shit and then you want to light them up, but they're waiting for you to light them up. And they're waiting for you to lose your cool.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And you're like, and you just don't, you just give them love and just walk away and go, ah, that's the tax for what I get, all the cool shit I get. That's my tax. So I don't do that. So my Yelp reviews now, I'll see if I can find one. I consider myself to be a spiritual man. The birth of my children, making love to my wife for the first time.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
My first home run all-mark moments left a spiritual mark on my psyche. None of them hold a candle to the bacon, lettuce, tomato sandwich I had at Old Hamelin's restaurant. My server, Char, was like a shaman as I held her hand into our journey as my teeth passed through the doors of reality, which was their homemade bread. They fucking made homemade bread for this BLT.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Oh my God, it was so fucking good. It caressed ever so gently the lettuce, laying beneath the tomato like a tender, submissive lover who knows all so well his places in the relationship. Mounted by the bacon, mounted by the bacon, which established the dominance like a roughneck cowboy running cattle through Montana with his best friend slash lover.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
The fries were okay, Diet Coke chill, but that bacon lettuce tomato sandwich redefined my spirituality, my consciousness, and possibly even my identity as a person. By the way, if Char is your server, order the BLT Burt style. Because I ordered the BLT. And then she goes, you want an egg on it? And I was like, I would love an egg on it. She goes, they don't normally do that.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And I said, can you put an egg on it? She goes, yeah. Extra mayonnaise? I was like...
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
oh that sandwich feel inspired see that that's what i do but for bathrooms that's literally how i write but for bathrooms it makes the road palatable yeah when you have something to look forward to a treat to look forward to it makes the the road fun and so i would i still if i have a meal that like just sends me i'll hop on yelp and i voice dictate them like i'll voice dictate them as i'll just speak i give it to my wife i go can you clean that up for me
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And all you got to do, and I do this, I write them down or I text them to my therapist and we talk about them. You know, one of the ways Leanne and I are in couples therapy right now and we had to do the first one in person so that we could do them online. Online is so much better, but it's so nice for us as a team to like, if we have a headbutt to go, hey, we should talk about this in therapy.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I think Adam would love your fucking music. Really? Oh, 100%. Have Pete run my phone up. I'm going to text him. I'm going to text him some of your music. Adam's from Omaha. Nebraska, I think.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
It's fun to see what youth looks like now. Because youth looks different. Youth was very preppy when I was a kid.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And your mom gets her hair done where Stacey gets her hair done.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
That's wild. I know, it is. Is your mom hot? I imagine she is. Yeah. Wait, how old's your mom? How old's your mom?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Yeah, pull up the pics of my mom. Kid Rock said he'd fuck my mom. Kid Rock was on, I was on stage and he was like, I'll fuck your mom. And I was like, bro, she's 77. Yeah. I'll pay to watch you fuck her. I got money, buddy. A million dollars to fuck her and have Cole Hauer's house or watch.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
But wait, so go back to, you shit in the chandelier, let's get sober.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
He's from Omaha, but he really is a Southern California sound music. I think he lost his virginity to Blink-182. Small things. Small things? Isn't it the small things is crazy?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And you know, like, do you know how you sound exactly like right now? I mean, I do a T.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
derek from some 41 you know some 40 yeah derek was i was had him on the podcast and he was explaining that like he could fuck up upwards like he one time they were in their mate their their labels green waiting room and they had a polaroid camera and then he just started they started taking pictures of their face where they're going like this like taking pictures and they they saw them and they go that's the album cover and he was just wasted and he was like great so there's never a reason to quit but keep going i'm sorry yeah and
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
You can't be, allegedly, I sexually assaulted these women. Allegedly. It's my word versus theirs.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Allegedly, is it just a girl? No, no, no. I love that you go, you can just say, allegedly, everything's cool.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
90% of the time, dude. It's when you're talking about someone else. Allegedly, I threw all my furniture out my window. I'm not going to lie to you.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
That's when you go, I don't know what's going on, but that's what I'm hearing. That's so fucked. By the way, can I explain something to you guys?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Adam's fucking hysterical. I'm going to turn him on to you guys. He's the goat, dude. That whole crew is fucking hysterical. I was a huge, huge workaholic fan.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Yeah, a red-eye is only west to east. So we took a red-eye back.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
You guys use the word red-eye so much and I was like, I'm fucking in love with these kids. because it's like it's like when you go i sat like this is the wild one when people like i'm in first class and you're like it's business class oh it was my girlfriend's former boss flying from vegas first class vegas not first class it was it was the front of the
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
By the way, this has nothing to do with money. It has to do with experience traveling. Business class is just drinks. First class is a full service. Business class will have meals, but first class is a full service. If you ever get a chance to fly first class on a red-eye, that is the fucking flight. You're partying.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
The rape van was maybe the funniest fucking episode. So wait, hold on. Stacey, come in and tell the story. You're going to fucking find this hysterical.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Tell us about the night. I heard about the night and I can't imagine how you got there.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Yeah, it's interesting. That always fascinated me in this story because it's not hypocrisy because they've lived that life. They have actually lived the exact life you're living. It's to see it and to be concerned is just an elder statesman going, I know how this ends. Yeah. Because they lost Bradley Noel that way.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And this story was the story I always heard. So I was a huge sublime fan.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And when he passed, there was an article about him. And they said that if he went into the studio and the margaritas were blending, that it was going to be a good session. If he was having margaritas. Because apparently if it wasn't margaritas, it was something darker. Yeah. And so I always thought that was fascinating. But keep going. I'm sorry.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Whether you're new to cigars or a seasoned pro like the B-Man, Cigars International makes it easy to find the right cigar with helpful guides, staff reviews, and expert advice. And that expert advice comes in so handy. I went to their site, and I'm a ring gauge guy. And I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird to check out for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. Can I ask you real quick? By the way, do you guys have somewhere to be? Are you guys cool?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I'm not the best tattoo artist. Apparently, I rushed through them. No, that's what we want. I rushed through them. When I did it on the orange, they were like, you're going really fast.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
So thin. What was it like opening for the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Bro. Insane. You didn't wish I was there. You're dating the chick that gained weight. You were a smoke show in high school. I know that she's in there.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
heidi that is so crazy i was like this is really random but i've never felt older in my life that's so funny that is crazy okay so let's let's let's take it from the top you know why i'm a fan of you guys do you know why no okay so we go to red hot chili peppers two bands opened it was big big tom uh iron tom iron tom yeah and you guys yeah um
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I love it. We're not some college band. And I go, they suck, dude. College bands can suck.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
That just expresses exactly where you see yourself. You're like, we're not some college band who knows how to read music. We're just a bunch of shitheads. And I was like, that's the fucking team you want to root for.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
On Sundays, when I used to do clubs, on Sundays, I have anxiety all day. I don't like flying. I'd have anxiety all day. I'd be in the green room going, fuck, I gotta get up early tomorrow. I gotta do this. I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna fucking... And the second they would say my name, all the anxiety would disappear.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And they'd go, ladies and gentlemen, Bert... The second I heard Bert, it just went away. And I'd be fucking in the... I would be in my happy place for an hour and 30 minutes. And the second I got off stage, the anxiety would show up again. I'd go, I gotta fucking fly tomorrow. It's crazy. I... I don't get nervous anymore doing stand-up.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
But I do experience the absolute calming effect of being on stage. It's where I was meant to be. My whole life, I didn't know it. I just was like, I love being on stage. And I get anxiety going to the store sometimes. It's like some fucking killer lineups. I get anxiety when I'm in Joe's Club because it's like, dude, it's a fucking monster show.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And I'm like, and it's all new stuff if I'm doing those. But... Yeah, I don't know. Did you get to hang out with the Chili Peppers? Nah, but we saw that they watched some of our set.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
That's fucking... Yeah, it was sick. Up until you guys. You guys' set was like the happiest Isla was. And then I took my shirt off and Isla got fucking...
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Both amazing, but like, and no slight to anyone, but I, but for some reason I see Alex on stage and I'm with my daughter, Isla, who was going to come down. She's a fan as well. So she's, uh, they're trying to teach her boyfriend how to, uh, change planes in Charlotte.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
There's no one like John. You are one of a kind. You really are one of a kind.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Dude, it was fun. That's fucking... I can't believe I saw that.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
There's a conference call. He has never gotten on a connecting flight. And so they, my wife and, and yeah, so he's, he's not. Yeah. So, uh, I can't wait to spend the weekend with him in Vegas. Yeah. So I'm sitting with Isla. Isla's like... I talk about Isla in my stand-up a lot, but she's a different child. She's really into music. Like, really into music. Really into art and...
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Can I just say, can I say for the record, I'm so glad you did not jump. No, me too. That was the whole ending. I'm so glad you did not jump. That is, let's just see the visual. First of all, you'd be jumping into the shallow end. No, that's the deep end. I see the steps to the shallow end right there. No, but he was supposed to jump to the right. I was supposed to jump to the right.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
You are petite. In some countries, you're very petite. Thank you.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And you're very breedable. I will tell you, sometimes the best decision is not doing something. You have no idea. When we were in Tanzania, I jumped off a 30-foot cliff into what I'm guessing is probably... Fucking three feet of water. And I thought I could athletically land it. And I fucking thought I broke both my ankles. I thought I broke both my ankles. Or both my heels.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
If you shatter a heel, you're fucked. You're fucked. Your life's over if you shatter a heel. It is. And I jumped off a cliff into three feet of water. And I was like, what the fuck? And I looked at everyone who didn't jump. And I go, God, they made the right decision. Did you not know it was three feet? I knew it was three feet, but I thought I could figure it out.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Sock me right in the kisser. You got like the pow thing comes up, bro. Pow.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
You guys need to be posting this shit. Listen, I feel like I've gotten you guys a little buzzed. Do you guys still want to play any music? I would love for you to.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
She goes, what's the lead singer's deal, do you think? I said, what do you mean? She goes, you think he's real? And I was like, and by the way, I was like 17 at the time. And I go, I don't know, what do you mean? She goes, I don't know. Like, sometimes people put on those clothes and that's a costume, but sometimes they're the real deal. And I go, you think he's a real deal?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
So this is everyone's first time hearing Alex Sucks. Not Leigh-Anne, but everyone's first time. And I hope, if you're listening right now, I hope I introduce you to your new favorite band. This is Alex Sucks.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
What's up, everybody? I've got some shows coming up. February 8th in New Orleans at the UNO Lakefront Arena for the big game. That's Saturday night, not Sunday night. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil and huge surprise guests. Then in Vegas in March, 21st and 22nd at Resorts World Theater. And finally, oh, Canada. I'm coming to you.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And she goes, it seems like it. Find his Instagram. So I go to Alex Sucks. You've cleaned your Instagram up. You've done a big dot delete.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
You guys fucked me up. You know I didn't expect it. That's badass that way.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
But it's a sad song. And you motherfuckers, you know... I was so close to crying.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I held him, and you fucking looked at me. And I saw it, and you went like this. You went like this. I swear to God. He'd be doing that. I swear to God.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Oh, that's fucking wild. Oh, fuck. You fucked me up. I thought we were going to go fast. And I went, oh, this is a slow song. This is about fucking hitting rock bottom.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
oh fuck that was awesome I need another beer it like changes the meaning of the song when it's slowed down it turns from like a party song it's a party song and then when you hear it and you know the story it's fucking god man that's fucking great that's great okay what do we got next what are we doing here what are we doing here
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
It's like little restarts. So I look at your Instagram. You're playing. We're listening. And I go... Isla and I are looking at pictures, and she's like, I think he's a real deal, Dad. And I go, really? And she goes, no, he legit can skateboard. Like, Dad, this guy's a real deal. And this band's good. And I was like, they are really good.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
You guys are really great musicians. You guys kind of shit on yourselves a little bit, but I'm watching you guys going like, I'm curious, this is the dumbest guitar question, but you play a lot with these three fingers right here. And I'm a big these two and this finger. And that pinky, I don't have dexterity in it. Did you just learn to play that way?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I forget what... It was towards the end of your set where we're doing this, and we're just sitting there. We're like, wow, this is fucking cool. And then I'm like, I get a little mesmerized by... Everything about your vibe as a band is it's youthful. It's carefree. It's self-destructive.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
But at the same time, I'm looking at your thing and you're talking about being sober for like, I think you're close to a year then. Yeah. And I was like, okay, cool. This kid's got his shit together. And then you guys played Six Pack and some cigarettes. You closed on it. Yeah. And I fucking shut both on. I like this fucking band rocks. This band fucking rocks. This band rocks.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Dude, thank you. That hits me, man. That hits me so hard. It's the small details that make it beautiful. The lyric, I drink warm beers in the backseat of my friend's older brother's car, just is so real. We've all been in there. For me, it was Monte Carlo. And it's just you in the back of a Monte Carlo. There's no doors in the back, and you're stuck back there. You're not going anywhere.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And we're driving through South Tampa, and he's telling me about how beautiful Monte Carlo is. This is the best car to ever have. And you're just going, I guess I'm getting fucking drunk today. But the other line you have in there that really hits me is, why didn't anyone tell me It was at the skate park. Why didn't anyone tell me? That it was going to be like this.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Yeah, because all you see is just an innocent child just going like, I thought it was going to be tough. And maybe this isn't the way to fix it. Oh, fuck it. You guys are so talented. You guys are so talented. I'm sorry I'm getting emotional. No, thank you. But I love music and I love you guys. And I cannot wait to see where the fuck you guys go. I am so happy to have met you guys.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Let's go get tatted. My name is Bert Kreischer, and I'm a tattoo artist. So wait, what are we tattooing?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
One swastika. What'd you do on the orange? I wouldn't look at my work on the orange. I can probably do a horseshoe. I'm guessing. I can probably do a horseshoe. Do a horseshoe, bro. I'm gonna do a horseshoe.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
What makes you say that? All right, here we go. Horseshoe, you tell me if it hurts, okay?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And we were like, yo, we got to listen to everything over again now. And so our takeaway from that show was you guys, was Alex Sucks. I did not know that your name was Alex until today. I was literally like, because you can't... You guys are kind of like, you're hard to research. I didn't even know your last name's Alvarez. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, he's the Alex in Alex Sucks.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Hold on, wipe it, wipe it. I know, but I can't. Should I spit on it? No.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Hey, you're mine. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Dude, he is drenched in sweat right now, bro. Dude, that looks really sick. You see where you need to go, right? Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Unreal. Is that your first tattoo ever, James? That's my first tattoo I've ever done.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I didn't know that was your first one ever. Wait, did they tell you I was good at this? I need a cocktail before I start this next one. Steady the nerves.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
What are you thinking? Sign your name? No, I'm not going to sign my name. That fucking sucks. You just did it to me. It sucks. Is it a lightning bolt? Yeah. Alright, lightning bolt it is. Where's this lightning bolt going?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Fuck, I think I... No, you got it. No, it looks great. Ooh, that looks like a really cool fucking lightning bolt. Are you gonna put a bee inside of it? Yeah, I'll put a bee inside it. I'll put a bee inside it. That's why I left all that open space up top.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And then I was like, oh, Alex Sucks is almost like just an Instagram handle. All the Alex's were taken and you're like, this is the only one we could get. It was Alex Sucks before we started the band.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
He kind of does. Okay, that's, by the way, better than... It's like being able to bench 315 pounds. Like that's... Kickflip is fucking tough. So your passion was skateboarding?
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I was like, okay, fuck. This is such like a young person's way the world works. This is the Bitcoin of music. It's like, just play the song on the fucking, on the boombox. And I'll just like, you guys are in the subway getting coins.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
But it makes sense. Cause you're like, well, why do I need a fucking band? Yeah. Like, but keep going.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Their nicotine pouches have a little extra surprise too. Each pouch holds a capsule that can be broken open to release extra flavor and hydration. And here's what's awesome. Have you ever been like a
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And I was like, yeah. And he was like, I'm set for the year. Dude, level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy.co slash Burkast and use promo code Burkast to get 20% off your first order. Lucy has a 30-day refund policy. If you change your mind, again, okay, that's Lucy.co and use code Burkast to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
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Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
I am telling you right now, since I use Rocket Money, I would almost want to pull out my phone and show you. I only have five apps that I pay for. That's it. You know, I'm so confident about Rocket Money. I signed up for an app the other day and I was like, I'll sign up because I want to use it right now and I want it. But I know Rocket Money is going to cancel this for me.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
And so that's how I use my phone now. I go, Rocket Money's got me covered. The app was so you could scan a penny to see how much it was worth. I won't be using that for the rest of my life. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash birdcast today. That's rocketmoney.com slash birdcast. rocketmoney.com slash birdcast.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Wait, I want to talk about skateboarding because you know I'm obsessed with skateboarding. I love skateboarding.
Bertcast
# 661 - ALEXSUCKS…Allegedly
Really? I used to skate probably daily. We got to go shred, dude. You can still shred. The last time I skated, I ate shit so fucking hard. That's what I'm scared of. It was in Ohio, Butler, Ohio. Butler, Ohio. Yeah, there's an adventure camp, like an action sports camp. I forget the name of it. They got this crazy slide that shoots you up 80 feet in the air into a pool. It's wild.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
This show is sponsored by Cigars International. Cigars International is the ultimate destination for premium handmade cigars. Known as the industry leader, Cigars International offers the largest selection, unbeatable prices, and a customer service experience that is second to none.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I won't be doing any taxes. I don't even know what accounting is, really. Is that like managing a checkbook? It's bullshit. Yeah, I don't know. I got someone that does that.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah. My dad told me, he goes, buddy, you're only good at one thing, kind of. So just stick with that one thing. He's like, don't start doing other things thinking you're going to figure it out because you got successful at one thing. He goes, you got lucky as fuck. Stick with that thing. So by your senior year, it's COVID, you're playing.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
That two and ten must have been a good, fun season. Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
He got on top of it. He didn't say that. No, they didn't say that. Coaches are always drips. You know, it's like, why can't coaches remember when they were like us? Yeah. Like, I remember, man, coaches. So your coach lit you up.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
He's carnivore. He was like, what diet are you going on? I was like, I think I want to go keto. He goes, I can't fuck with keto. I was like, I can't either. Any of the cheats on keto I can't do. I can just eat ribeyes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. I can eat ribeyes and then that's the rule or nothing. Same with weed.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I'll save it for a little bit. I want to have a little half now, maybe a little half later. Not a problem. Just seal it back up. Maybe, maybe I want to put a little splash of Poroso's. Light Strike Hard Refresher is launching nationally this month with these two flavors, orange mango and lemon lime. Drink them cold or over ice and just watch how fast it disappears. It's crazy.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
These things are phenomenal. Not bad. Not bad to take in a car to go to the airport. I'll just say that. Not driving. Who drives to the airport? I guess two people probably drive to the airport. I don't. But I take one of these and people are like, oh, the guy's getting hydrated. And I go, damn right I am. 5% alcohol by volume.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I either smoke weed every single day or I don't smoke it at all.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Do you? Yeah. Can I ask you a question that everyone asks me and I want to hear how you answer it because I never know how to answer it. Do you feel caged in by this party lifestyle?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
When I was in college, I got written up as the number one party animal in the country by Rolling Stone. And I remember the school called me. I remember I was really getting it from like the school. They were like shitting on me and they were disciplining. They were like calling me. And like, I remember this woman was like,
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Just kind of finger wagging me like, you know, you need to stop doing these interviews. You're talking to your people are calling you and you're talking about this school's an institution of learning. And you're you're degrading the learning experience we provide to 36000 people. You're denigrating it. And with this party image. And I was like, you know, when you're a kid.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
you're like, okay, like you're used to being told what to do. And she, I was like, what am I supposed to do? And she goes, you need to stop talking to people and let this blow over. And I was like, okay. And then I was like, and then I was like, all right, that's what I'll do. And then I remember some people called and like Oprah wanted me to go on Oprah. And I was like,
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
No, I really should do what's right. And this guy who I grew up with, these two boys were like my really close friends, Cayman and Croy. And their dad, Benny Lazara, called me out of nowhere. Like, you know, when you were a kid, I don't know if it was the same for you. We used to have caller ID. Did you ever have caller ID on your landline?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
It was like a box. Yeah, I remember. And the number would show up. And then you could go through your caller ID and see who's called. God, it seems like a fucking lifetime ago. When I was a kid, there was like a few numbers. I knew their numbers. I knew Weecho's number. I knew my grandmother's number. I knew Cayman and Croy's number. And so I knew those numbers.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And the number came up, 813-whatever, God, it's 3969. And I was like, oh, shit, it's Cayman or Croy. And I picked it up. It was Benny Lazera. He was a grown man. By the way, younger than I am today, probably. And he said, Benny was really good with his saying, like when we get ready for prom, he'd go, you can put a monkey in a tux, but it's still a monkey. Like he was just good with lines.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And he goes, so what are we doing here with this Rolling Stone thing? I said, you know, I think I'm just going to let it blow over, you know, go out and do my life. And he goes, but do you want to be a comic? I said in the article, you want to be a comic? I said, yeah. And he goes, then fuck everyone. He goes, this is your chance to live your life. And you make the most out of this.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
He goes, you're never going to get this opportunity again. He goes, if I were you, I would make it as loud as possible. Whatever the school says, do the exact opposite. And this is your shot. Move to LA, move to New York, do whatever you can to make everything out of this moment. I was like, Fuck that. You're right.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And I did stand up for the first time the next week, moved to New York within two weeks. Six months later, I had a development deal with Will Smith. And I was like, thank God I didn't listen to those fucking finger wagging assholes. Squares. Squares. Motherfucking squares. Drips. Nothing makes me more angry than if that guy right there who's living his best life doesn't go on to follow his dreams.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
If that guy right there Catches the beer and goes, no, and throws it back and says, I think I'm just going to get married and have a kid and work over at John Deere. There's nothing wrong with that guy. Me and you play to that guy every weekend.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
But even that guy right there would go, man, I wish I could stand on top of a fucking bus, catch a beer, kill it, and then become a fucking country music star. Wouldn't that be cool? And that's what you did. And you didn't listen to the fucking advice of that fucking coach and that administration was like, yo, man, You need to lay low. Don't be yourself. God, please don't shine.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
We don't like people who shine. People who shine make us realize we don't shine that much. So can you not shine so that everyone notices that no one shines? I mean, I get passionate about this because I'm looking at what you're doing now. This is what you were meant to do. This was just your path to get to here. And everyone who tells you no on your path, I hope they get cummed in.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah. So then how... So tell me, how does that guy get here? Like, what was the... Because I know... How hard it is to go from, I know exactly how hard it is to go from college kid to working in the entertainment business. It's very, there are people, there are kids at Florida State listening to this right now going like, yeah, man, I write music. What is that path? Like, what was it?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Your shows are much more fun than my shows. It depends on who's asking, I guess. I mean, trust me. I saw you bring out like fucking nine, like a little league baseball team full of boys shirtless fucking waving shirts around. And I was like, dude, fucking that energy is, I'm all about that shit.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Explain that to me a little bit. So I like what you're saying. When I moved to New York, I watched people who they had a persona and I was like or like they had like an act. They did one thing. That's all they did. And I was like, wait, why can't you do everything? Why can't you write jokes, tell stories, do an impression in the story? Like, why do you just do impressions?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Why do you just do set a punch? Why do you just do like and I was I remember seeing it. very from the outside looking in at 25 years old going like oh i think there are a lot of people they're gonna get they're they don't know what they're doing yeah i just uh saw a lot of artists
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I noticed a couple things. I noticed that the way your Instagram works is you'll release a song, and then you'll play it for every video that you post. It'll just be you foot racing or doing something silly, and it'll be, what's that?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
pot oh god i sound like such a cop what's that but i noticed that you play that song in all your videos and then then all of a sudden it goes on to a new song and those all those videos have that song is that somewhat accurate assessment i just feel like people uh you good if i smoke of course come on i don't want your fire i'm sure you don't yeah we're uh
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And I feel like that's because... You posted that. You're like, this is my ninth most popular song and they're singing along with it or something, right? And I was like, that's fucking badass.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Cheers. Cheers, brother. Thanks for coming over. Hell yeah. It's funny. Go ahead. Finish your statement.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And... God, if that's not college, I don't know what is.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
God damn it. What the fuck? What are they thinking? Like, I mean, it's crazy to me that, I mean, I'm looking at what ticket prices, right? So like, and I'm assuming more than a hundred people showed up.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I'm assuming the ticket price to get in was probably $5, if anything. $10 at the door. $10, okay.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah, and then let me tell you, and then what do you think they made on drinks? They made a fucking killing on drinks.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Well, you should release it as a podcast.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And my roommate still has Lucky. My name on my Netflix special is Lucky.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I'm the luckiest man you're ever going to fucking meet. By the way, you might be up there with me. Yes, sir. I love luck. I love luck more than talent. I love luck more. Not more than talent. I like luck more than hard work. I think it's better to be lucky than to work hard. There's dudes working hard every fucking day. You know them. Great guitarists. Great songwriters.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Just haven't had that one thing happen to them. I used to say that about Kevin Hart. I love Kevin Hart. I love him, but he's like, I'm the hardest working man. I go, yeah, but tell me about your luck. I want to know about the luck. Tell me about the luck. About Cat Williams packing a gun in his luggage, and then he gets arrested, and then now they bring you to do the movie Fool's Gold.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
That's luck. That's crazy luck. I don't know if that's real or not.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Do you know your, I mean like, so I want to, my first question is why does everyone hate Kyle Busch? That's my first question. You're Kyle, you Kyle Busch guy. I like that he wins. I like Kyle Busch.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I mean, I love luck too. It's great. I have pennies. I have like a thousand pennies that I walk around and I just drop them on the ground. So people fucking see a penny every now and then. They're like, oh, cool. Good luck. That's awesome. And then you go, hey, I just gave him luck. And luck's, I think luck's perceived. I think if there's people I know that are like, yeah, I'm not lucky.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And I go, yeah, not with that attitude. Yeah. You're not looking at all the lucky things. You look at that. You look at that knee, and my wife said this to me one time, that knee injury, and you go, that was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. Because of that, I got on top of the bus, I drank the beer, I then left, I focused on my music.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I was doing my movie, and one day, and I was like, you know, I normally run four miles before every shoot. I run four miles. It was a great run. And then one day I go, you know, I'm going to run six miles. And in that, I pulled a muscle in my leg. And then when I pulled a muscle in my leg, I put an ice pack on the back of my leg and I burned the skin on the back of my leg and it bubbled up.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And because it bubbled up, I then, when I was doing my stunts, I wasn't paying attention to what I needed to be paying attention to because I was paying attention to my leg and I blew out my tricep. And I kept blaming. That... incident of me choosing to run to the embassy on my arm. And my wife said, you're looking at it the wrong way. Maybe you were meant to blow out your arm.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And I went, you're right. And I was like, maybe I needed to do that. And if I'm telling you right now, if I hadn't blown out my arm, I wouldn't have done the rehab to get my arm back in shape. And I don't know if I'd be in the shape I am today where I'm down weight because of it. And it's like, you got to look at, all you got to do is just change your perspective and look at your life as lucky.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I really believe that. You know, some kids would look at that and go, oh man, I let my parents down. I let, you know, where you go, oh yeah, blew it out my knee. That was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I had a chick, I had a chick that fucked my best friend.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah. Girl I dated for like five years. Heartbroken. Yeah. Devastated. Broke up, moved in with my buddies who were Lambda Chi's. I happened to be at that house when Rolling Stone called. And it's like, and because I got dumped and I got cheated on, I didn't get dumped. We split up because she cheated on me. I guess that's a really aggressive way of getting dumped. So yeah, I got dumped.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
But because of that, I started partying, you know, having fun and just take my mind off it and go in and smoke weed and going out to the 50 yard line and eat lobster and throw a Frisbee around, get high, drink beers. It was fucking awesome. But if I lived that and then when Rolling Stone looked for this party animal, everyone was like, well, it's Bert.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
He's been partying hard as fuck for a couple of years. And if that chick hadn't cheated on me, Rolling Stone wouldn't have discovered me. I wouldn't have been living hutching them. I wouldn't have gotten into stand-up. I wouldn't have my wife and the kids that I have now. I wouldn't have any of that shit. So that chick, fucking my best friend, was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I love that your perspective on luck is the same way mine is.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
It's hard to figure out that reason sometimes.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
It's the truth, man. Dude, I sleep great. I sleep great. You could say it's a number of things, but I'll tell you what I count it to. My Helix mattress. This mattress is so damn comfortable. And I used to have shoulder problems, but I don't have any more because I got a mattress technically prescribed for me.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
See, the thing about Helix is they have a two-minute sleep quiz that will tell you what kind of sleeper you are. I always thought, I mean, I knew I was a side sleeper, but I didn't know there was a mattress made for side sleepers until I got the Helix Midnight Luxe. It is medium feel for side sleepers, for side sleepers. The Helix Dusk Luxe is a medium feel for back and stomach sleepers.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
By the way, I've been sleeping on back and stomach sleepers for so long, And it's been messing up my arms. Have you ever woken up and your arm's numb? I had that all the time and I don't have it now. Here's what's also great. They send them right to your door in a box. You can set up a mattress in, I would say, as much time as it takes to take the sleep quiz.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I love that. He doesn't give a shit. We're doing some stuff with NASCAR. NASCAR is a... NASCAR was the thing that I didn't understand. And then my buddy Elliot explained it to me. And he was like, he was like, just watch the last five minutes of every race. And I was like, great. So I did. And he goes, and I was like, dude, the last five minutes, last 10 minutes is pretty awesome.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
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Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
It helps me deal with my inflammation and I have a ton of inflammation all in my elbow. For some reason, I've had tendonitis on my elbow. I pop one of these bad boys and I'm telling you, my inflammation goes away and I start using my elbow better. Right now, BurtCast listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com slash Burt and use code Burt at checkout.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
That's cornbreadhemp.com slash Burt and use code Burt. Where is country music right now? We're not done with your journey, but you seem like a pretty regular guy. It seems like, in my opinion, that if someone rushes your stage, they might get punched.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
and uh but you don't seem like you fuck around like you don't seem like like sometimes when i got into comedy there were comics who acted like tough guys but you're like hey man i think you're just doing that on stage i don't think you're really a tough guy and then i was like and i grew up like getting fights like i got in fights and i'm not saying i won i'm not saying i was tough but i definitely was in fights and then you'd meet comics who talk tough and i was like oh you've never been slapped no like we uh
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
He goes, now watch the whole race knowing that your commitment to that whole race is going to really pay off in the last 10 minutes. I went, and then I got NASCAR. I was like, fuck yeah.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I'll wear this when I do press for my special. I'll wear that when I do press for my special, and it'll be easy to rip off quick.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I have a hat that says, show me that butthole. I have a hat and my daughter Isla used to wear it all the time. And I loved that hat. Someone sent it to me like so long ago and Isla's dyslexic. She didn't know what it said. Isla has walked. Isla, I got to tell you, man, I'm not talking politics right now. I know you're a political affiliation. I'm not talking politics. But I will say,
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Make America Great Again snapbacks are the best snapbacks made. I have three of them, and they're the greatest snapbacks ever made. And I got them because I played golf at Trump's course. And I was playing with two Jewish guys that are hardcore Democrats. And I said, you guys, I'll pay for your greens fees, but I got to get one picture with you guys wearing the hats with me.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And they were like, it's a good course. You know, Jewish people are like, it's a good course. I'm saving money. Okay.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
shout out to uh darren turbo and eric grusin and so so i made them take a picture of us on the thing all wearing mega hats and then they were like i'm not taking this home and i was like and bro i can't wear snapbacks they make their snapbacks big whoever i don't know what country they make them i guess it's probably in america i'd guess if it's trump right wait they don't make make america great again hats in america i don't know we need we need to check that out
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I figured it was because they made them in America. They're big. They're big.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
What size head do you have? I don't know. It's fat. You have one of my hats. Grab one of my hats from downstairs, Pete, and bring it up. I want to see how big your head is. I have I have a size eight head of a really big. Damn, that's a that's a noggin. That's I blew my mom out.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah, of course the MAGA hats are made in the U.S. Fuck yeah. I love that shit. I saw that video of John Daly calling Trump while you were playing, FaceTiming him. Yeah. And then Trump watching you play.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
You grab a couple more beers, too.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
That's fucking awesome. That's crazy. Do you work out on the road? Oh yeah.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I'm so fat. When you say three pant sizes, I'm at the pants where they go by twos. No, no, no. 36, 38, 40, 42. I actually went down two pants. But you said three. I went, how is that possible?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I'm in 38s right now. I've been wearing 36s, but 36s look like I'm in skinny jeans. You're like, oh, wow, are you going dancing later? And these are 38s, but 38s are just long enough that this part of my button comes out, so it looks like I have a boner all the time. I walked out of the table last night, and one of the girls was, your fly's down. I was like, that's not my fly.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
She was like, wait, what is that? Is that your dick? And I went, no, I lost weight. It's a benefit to losing weight. Sweet. What does your tour look like? Do you have one bus? Do you bring a semi with you?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
When we were on tour of Fully Loaded, we brought... If I'm not mistaken, five or seven semis, and then five buses. Seven semis, five buses. And one of the semis had a cold plunge. It had a gym. It had all our gym shit. So we'd get there. They'd make a gym somewhere, set up the cold plunge. We had a sauna we traveled with. It was fucking epic. We had a wood-burning sauna tent. What is it called?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Does anyone remember the name of our sauna? Sweat tent. Have you seen it? No. Pull up a sweat tent. These things are fucking awesome. Sweat tent, and you build a fire in the hottest goddamn steel box you've ever seen. It gets red. It gets red hot. You can fry an egg on that fucking thing. And then we'd get in there, and we'd sauna just in a parking lot.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And just everyone would be like, I remember one night we all broke out in the hives. And someone's like, what's going on with our skin? And we're like, oh, I think that's chemically treated wood. My bad. Like, oh, cool. It went away.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
You get all that... Gunk out of your legs. Get all that lymphatic drainage is so important. I got a pair. I have... I got to the point where I did a deal with them. And I would... With comics like them, because we bring them on the road, I'd send them a pair. Normally, I would just give me a pair to send to them. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I find you to be fun. I was following you online on Instagram. The first thing I saw was you shirtless. I was like, that's my guy. And then random, I ran into your manager. Did anyone know who I ran into? Justin Luffman. I ran into Justin at the CBS thing. He's like, hey, I represent Gavin Adcock. I saw one of them on my podcast. He goes, done. And I was like, fuck yeah.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
So we have like... We have like... We have... Literally, I was just in Nashville for... New Orleans for the Super Bowl. And I was like, I could use a Normatec. And so we went out and bought a Normatec, bought the boots. Yeah. And $700, everyone used them. Now, this is my pitch to the Normatec boots. Everyone used them. And then we used them the next day.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
With fast shipping and their 100% satisfaction guarantee, you can shop with confidence knowing that Cigars International stands behind every order. Whether you're new to cigars or a seasoned pro like the B-Man, Cigars International makes it easy to find the right cigar with helpful guides, staff reviews, and expert advice, and that expert advice comes in so handy.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Now, if you want a massage, which I would argue it is a great lymphatic leg massage. Yeah. If you want that, it's going to cost maybe like 75 bucks. And if you want it for everyone, it's going to take all day long and it's going to add up. But if you buy those boots every night when you get off tour, everyone done your show, put them on, run them around the bus.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Everyone gets a massage every single night. And at a certain point, you get to a price point where you're looking at $10 awesome leg massages. I love Norma Tech boots.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Wait, does he have one of those tails? I don't think he's got a tail. No, hold on. I just saw this. What are they called? Google human tails. Human tails. It's a protrusion. Oh, my God.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
No, that's not what I wanted. Don't do images. Don't do images. Don't do images. I don't think he has one of those. Wait, who is he?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
No, there's a cyst that happens on your lower back by your butthole, like on your tailbone. Yeah. And it's called, it's, no, what's, right, right, cyst on tailbone. And what it is, a cyst on tailbone. That's it. Polonial cysts. And you get them, and it's basically you're growing a tail. Look at that. Look at that.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Dude, how badass if you had a basis with a tail? Pfft. And he was like, you guys, you guys having a good time? And you rip your shirt off. And he pulls off a patch on the back of his pants. And his tail comes out. And they're like, shit, he's got a fucking tail. This is the fucking craziest show I've ever been.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
A lot of L.A. That's it. Look at that. Look at that. That's a real thing. I had a buddy who had one of those. And he goes, yes, technically, I'm starting to grow a tail. Damn. I think that's what that is. You know, I don't read the whole article. I just read the part that interests me.
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
For real? Yeah. You know what songs you're playing? Yeah. Do you have your set list of what songs you'll close on?
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah. That's what the tour's called, right?
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I think that's interesting. I don't need everything to sound similar. I'm cool with it. Was it Kenny Chesney that was the first one? Who's like almost the second coming of Jimmy Buffett? Kenny Chesney? Yeah. Like when he went there, I was like, oh, this is cool. I also like when an artist doesn't change their stripes, you know?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
But your energy is my energy. My energy is John Daly's energy. John Daly's energy is your energy. We respect the dudes that go hard and have fun and make life a fucking treat. And when people say to us, so when are you going to like get serious? I go, hold on. My standup speaks for itself. I'm a fantastic storyteller. No one's going to say otherwise. I take my shirt off. I don't give a fuck.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Like, I was with someone the other day, and he's like, when are you going to start putting your shirt on and, like, taking this serious? And I was like, no one ever told Jimmy Buffett, like, hey, man, there's sharks in the ocean. Maybe if we focus more inland, it would make people feel safer. He's like, I like the fucking water.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And I'm like, yeah, I know, but, like, a lot of drownings and tsunamis. Maybe do a song called On the Peninsula. Landlocked. I don't know. I don't fucking get that, but whatever. How do you like writing with other artists? Do you write co-writing songs?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
That's fucking great. You brought your guitar. I don't know. I'd love for you to play something, but you don't have to.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I would love for you to play something.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
What do you want to play? You want me to play Cigarette? Fuck yeah. I love that song. It's such a pretty song. I'm going to get my wife up here. Is Leanne here? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast and gets in your head because you're thinking, well, what if this therapy is going to cause more problems? But BetterHelp online therapy can save you on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and on time.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Therapy should feel accessible, not like a luxury. It really shouldn't. With online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense. Anything from anxiety to everyday stress. I've been dealing with anxiety and a lot. And trust me when I say your mental health is worth it. It really is.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Peace of mind, being able to go outside and see the world the way you should see it with joy and with happiness and gratitude. It's within reach. I'm telling you, I've been in therapy for a while. I already said Leanne and I are in couples therapy. We now do that exclusively online. We had to do the first session in person with BetterHelp. It's amazing. They have over 30,000 therapists.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Having served over 5 million people globally, it's super convenient too. You can join this session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life at any time you need it. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Your well-being is worth it. Trust me. Have tomorrow be a better day.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Visit BetterHelp.com slash Burt to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Burt. This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I drink beers. I don't give a fuck. And I listen to your music. And I'm going to tell you right now, You may not get this analogy, but who was the singer-songwriter Tori back in the day? Tori Amos. You write Tori Amos songs. You don't know who that is and you don't understand that compliment. You write love songs for broken hearted women and broken hearted men.
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance,
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts and of course the mind-blowing production empire the band is known for and i am telling you i've seen that firsthand we saw them on tour the whole our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows and if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down check out burt cast number 623 they play acoustic i'm telling you zach
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. Give me like a good riff. I'm going to sing a song about dating an older woman, okay?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Okay, you just play a little something and I'll just... When you were three, I wasn't born.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I didn't know anything about milk porn, but now I do, and I love the menopause in you.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
You'll probably die before me if I get healthy.
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
You're getting old. I'm staying young. But she takes my cum.
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I've heard people do it, but I just think it's unhealthy. I mean, you really got to be clean to eat ass.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
You can't. No one eats ass on a whim. No one's like, I'm going to eat her ass. You're like, let her take a shower first. All right. So this is the first song I heard of his where I was like, oh, fuck. I really liked it. I really like this music. But I was saying, I'll just let you play some music for Leanne. If you could play a cigarette, I love that song.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Tori Amos did the same fucking thing. And listen, man, it wasn't popular to be a Tori Amos fan when I was a fucking Tori Amos fucking cornflake girl. Dude, there's I'm listening to your music and I'm like, dude, he's writing fucking bangers that could be played at a coffee shop by a lesbian chick and go off just as well. You're writing beautiful fucking songs.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah, it was badass. i'm like i'm good at fucking picking out cool shit like i'm telling you i heard that song and i was like dude it's the line edit out anything with me emotional i'm fucking so tired of me being emotional i'm 52 and those lines just hit me so hard it's because you miss me no it's just it's like i don't know you know what it was funny when i heard it i was into sins
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And that might sound so silly, but nicotine, caffeine, and that's the best way to start a fucking morning is a little nicotine and caffeine. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just love the line of Queen Size Bed. I love that song.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah. What would my songs be? I said a song one time to a friend. I won't say anything because I don't want to blow up my friend's spot. Edit that out. And I said something to him drunk one night. And he was like, that's a fucking lyric. And I went, it is? And he went, yeah. And then he wrote the song. It's coming out soon. Yeah. And he's like, yeah. I was like, oh, yeah. Just dropping dimes.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
A cigarette is like a gorgeous goddamn song. That song is beautiful. And it comes out of you. And that's the juxtaposition of art. It's like I got you with a fucking case of Miller Lite on your head singing bangers, bangers. And your hard songs go hard as fuck. They're totally different. But goddammit, man, your fucking soft songs are like... Fucking beautiful.
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Who knew that that nose guard felt like that?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
When he was a nose guard for his college football team. But you're supposed to be like a meathead.
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
not have feelings or be able to say them when you play sports who knew that like those are beautiful lyrics and those are really like what if i got a little bit of buzz and some good service what did you yeah uh missing you just rose to the surface i got a buzz and some pretty good service we were we were sitting there writing that and every time we get to the end of the verse i was like
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
God, that's a, that's a, if not so many women didn't have your name. Oh, thank God. I don't know a lot of Leanne's.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Rearrange a couple core memories. God damn it. What's wild is that you have such an ability to do that. what you do on so many different levels. Like, I mean, you write these emotional, heartfelt songs that should not come out of a guy that looks like you. It should be a dude in a black turtleneck with like Dickies in Brooklyn with bespoke shoes who's saying these things.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
And walks around with his head down. Yeah, he doesn't want to talk to anyone. He's like, excuse me, excuse me. People bump into him and knock his coffee onto his chest and he doesn't say anything. And then he emotes them. And then there you come, shirt open, case of beer on your head, and you're like, yo, I feel too. It's almost like leveling the playing field and going like, yo.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
You don't... You can have feelings too. Like everyone's allowed to go to therapy. Everyone's allowed to fucking cry. Everyone's allowed to feel. You get your heart broke. We all get our hearts broke. And we can also fucking like to get in a boat with a shotgun every now and then and shotgun a beer and talk dirty with our boys. But we can also feel.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
My generation, your dad's generation wasn't allowed to feel. They didn't make country music songs back in the day that was like...
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
26. What happens to you? What happens to you? No, my wife believes that if you speak it to the universe, it comes true. Say it out loud. Say it. Write it on a piece of paper. Put it on a wall. And so what is it? Say it. Let the universe hear it. Let the people listening hear it. And they go, I'm rooting for that.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
The best is the first part has already happened. I looked at your schedule. Everything's already sold out. Everything that's available is already sold out. Everything's gone. That's great. That's fucking crazy. This is the best time of your career. This is the best time of your career, the way up. The track up is amazing. It's so fucking fun. Yeah, we just put out some more dates last week. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
This has been a great time, man.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Thank you for doing it. Thank you so much. Appreciate y'all. Thank you, man. You're the best, dude. Congratulations. Thank you. Hell yeah. That was a great podcast. We're in Nashville next week. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
It was a fucking great song. I'd rather be in a...
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
queen says size bed with you but for now the cigarette will do oh bro tori amos writes that shit i i don't no one knows what a compliment that is it's a backhanded compliment because i think she was a lesbian but yeah and but it's fucking she wrote great songs i mean if i was a woman i'd be a lesbian too me too i love women me i yeah why would i never let someone come inside me Absolutely not.
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Never. Can you imagine? Can you imagine what kind of animal you have to be to be able to first date and go, you can blow a load inside me.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I just met you. How dare you? Oh, dear, dear Lord.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Cheers. To not getting gummed in. How long have you guys been dating? A couple years now, coming up in April. Okay, so take everyone through your somewhat... meteoric rise from the barstool post to writing. I mean, I kind of know it all, but I'd like you to tell it because I feel like you're a little bit, you got a little bit of hot to a girl in you, but with talent. And by the way, I do too.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I went to their site, and I'm a ring gauge guy, and I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge, and I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I got discovered by Rolling Stone Magazine and then I was like, cool, I'm getting into comedy. But tell everyone how your rise to fame started.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
What was it like walking on an organization like that? Do you feel like an outsider?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
How long before you got on scholarship?
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# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Okay, so your first year, redshirted, practice squad? How does it work?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
What's it like being on a team that's 2-10? Are practices fun? No.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Do you have one guy on the team, though, that's really fucking good? And he's like, you have one running back that's just doing good, but he's like, God damn it, you guys suck.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
What's the triple option for everyone listening that doesn't know it as well as me and you?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. Can you imagine what kind of animal you have to be to be on a first date and go, you can blow a load inside me.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Oh, okay. Okay, that's a team I don't want to watch.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I got up to that weight and can stand up.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Oh, my God. Is that you? Yeah, man. Shut the fuck up. Hell yeah. Look at your neck. Yeah, dude.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I was squatting like 6'10". You were squatting 6'10"? Yeah. Today I squatted 256 times and I was like, no, box squats. Yeah. So I wasn't going. I like box squats. Yeah. I don't mind. I just benched 325 the other day. That's solid. You saw it? No, I said that's solid. I need to see it though. It was fucking light work, whatever. Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'll only be talking.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I had a dream last night that someone asked me how much I benched and I was like 325. I had a dream that someone asked me what I benched. What fucking what zone of meathead do you have to be in where you're dreaming about someone coming up to you on what's your bench? Do you realize how deep seated in my ego that has to be that my subconscious created a character so that I could brag in a dream?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I'm naked. Oh, this is me benching 320. Oh, yeah, let's see. I mean, we can watch it. I don't want to take time out of the podcast. No, let's see it. So there's Taylor Long, Will Compton, and Jason Kelsey.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
75 looks light i mean it's light i mean you got i mean you could be my dad you got we got considerable like we got similar frames yeah i think it'd be hard to tell if we put our wife and our girlfriend in a room and they had to pick when we turn the lights out they had to pick which one's which they'd be like oh fuck we got i can't tell i know i put my hair up this is burt sir this is burt
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
This is 320. That was the bet. That's my wife. She's worried. Look at 320. Look at how fucking... Look at how clean this is.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Like... 90. That's not right. No.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
I don't know. No, no. I did the math. It was like 50,000 people can bench 315. And then it cuts drastically to like the people that can bench 400 pounds is like 4,000 out of 2 billion. And then the people that can bench more than that. It was like a crazy stat. So keep going. So you looked fucking jacked in college.
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
You can smoke if you want to. Is that what you're going to ask?
Bertcast
# 669 - From Bus Chugger to Country Star with Gavin Adcock
Yeah, you can do whatever you want in here. I don't give a shit. Smoke cigarettes? I don't smoke cigarettes, but I smoke weed. No, I have weed. I have a chest infection, so I can't smoke weed. But I would. I just was talking to my buddy on the phone. I'm very binary. So whether it's diet or drugs or alcohol, I'm either all in or I'm not doing anything. So we were talking about diet.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And Heather Locklear gets on. I'm in row 11. And Als sie aufsteht, schaut sie sich ihre Tickets an und versucht herauszufinden, welches Seat es ist. Sie sind auf dem eigenen Seat selbst, auf der Basis. Ich sehe sie und sage, sie sind tatsächlich auf dem Seat. Sie sagt, oh, oh. Ich frage, welches Seat sind Sie? Sie schaut sich ihre Tickets an und sagt, 37F? Und alle lachen. Es gibt kein 37er.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Sie hat einfach ihre Ballen zerbrochen. Und ich dachte, oh mein Gott, sie ist fucking großartig. Ja! Da sind noch zwei Räume. Sie sagt, 37F? Ich liebe Heather Locklear. Ich liebe sie.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ich habe Richie Sambora von Bon Jovi getreut. Ich habe Richie Sambora getreut und Tommy Lee getreut.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
What happened to that? It's interesting. Us guys only have like a couple hairstyles we can rock. You know, like you go short, you go long, you shave it. You can go, yeah, you can... Oh, come on!
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I gotta get out of here. Can we take five in the bathroom? What genre of woman do you think was the hottest genre? 80s, 100%. Neon bikini, high-waist bikinis.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
That's at the very beginning of fake tits. They were a little bit crazy back then.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
We've literally used that on stickers, that image on the right.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Mein Onkel... Ich habe gerade... Sie haben noch Zink. Ich habe gerade Zink für eine Reise nach Hawaii gekauft. Keine Ahnung. Und meine Töchter waren nicht cool, mit Zink auf ihren Füßen zu legen. Es war so... Es war so schrecklich. In den 80ern war Zink die Scheiße. Letztendlich.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
It didn't really make a reef, but you know. We dumped him. He's in there. By the way, don't tap, but I hope you guys enjoy my vodka. This is me and Tom's girls vodka. You guys will love it. Whenever you go on tour, I'll send you bottles. Let's go! I'm a vodka guy. This is the best. Enjoy it. Tell me what you think of the taste.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
We'll get you some signage. Maybe we'll just put like a Porosos. We'll get you the double-headed bear and you can travel with that. Our next show, we're just all in the vodka merch. You're tatted. We finally got sponsored, boys. So tell me what the record business looks like. When I do this podcast, I think there's someone here listening going like,
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ich bin jung und ich mag das, was das Gefühl ist und ich will, dass wir da sind. Ich denke, es ist viel Erkenntnis, wenn du auf diesem Podcast bist.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Nicht so viel, ehrlich gesagt. Ja, ich sage dir was. Machst du Geld auf Spotify und alles?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Männer, wenn ihr euer Haar verloren habt, bedeutet das nicht, dass ihr es nicht mehr finden könnt. Probiert Hems Haarloss-Solutions und ihr werdet mit den Hunderten von Tausenden von Abonnenten, die ihr Haar wieder gefunden haben, beitragen. Hems bietet euch mit einfachem und qualitativem Zugang zu einer Reihe von Haarloss-Treatmenten, die alle funktionieren.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Aus dem Komfort eurer Couch macht Hems Haarloss-Treatmenten einfach mit doktortrustenden Optionen und klinisch bestätigten Ingredienten wie Finasteride, und Minoxidil, die Haare innerhalb von drei bis sechs Monaten wieder aufbauen können. Der Prozess ist einfach. Es ist 100% online, also gibt es keine unangenehmen Doktorbesuche, wie ich es in 1993 hatte, als ich Minoxidil begonnen habe.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Du hattest einen Doktor zu gehen, du hattest einen Doktor zu sagen, der damals ein Dermatolog war, es war eine Frau, und sie war so, ich war so, ich verliere meine Haare, und sie war so, ich sehe es nicht. Ich musste mit ihr kämpfen. Then I had to go to the pharmacy every month. You couldn't get it every month I had to go. Bro, it's so much easier.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Start your free online visit today at hims.com slash birdcast. That's h-i-m-s dot com slash birdcast for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Hems.com slash Birdcast. Results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are some of your relationship green flags? Think about that real quick. Green flags. Green flags. The things you like about her. Denkt daran, weil wir oft von oder hören von roten Flaggen, Dinge, die wir verhindern sollten.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Aber was, wenn wir uns mehr darauf konzentrieren, auf die grüne Flagge und unsere Freunde und unsere Partner in jeder Beziehung, ob du sie in Therapie suchst. Wenn du nicht sicher bist, wie sie aussehen, kann Therapie dir helfen, die grüne Flagge zu identifizieren. Aktiv trainiere sie in deinen Beziehungen und entdecke die grüne Flagge-Energie selbst.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ob du verheiratet bist, verheiratet bist, eine Freundschaft bildest oder nur selbst arbeitest. It's time to form relationships that love you back. Hear that one more time. Relationships that love you back.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Gott, Mann, es ist so schnell, einen Mann zu identifizieren, mit dem du eine Weile Freunde mitgemacht hast, und dann redet er über dich und hinter deinem Hintergrund und du sagst, oh Mann, ich habe immer schön über dich gesprochen. Vergesst das. Was ist der grüne Flagg? Was ist der Mann, der immer schön über dich gesprochen hat?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Und dann fokussierst du dich auf diesen Mann und dann merkst du, dieser andere Mann, er ist Trash. Das ist das wichtigste. Diese grünen Flagge sind so wichtig. Ich bin in Therapie. Ich bin in Paartherapie. I'm in single therapy. I'm in a lot of therapy. And I wholly endorse therapy. By the way, I do it online.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. You can also switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Discover your relationship green flags with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash BERT to get 10% off your first month.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wenn du an Musik in L.A. denkst, denkst du an die Sunset Strip in Hollywood und die Roxy und... Und du denkst an Motley Crue und Poison und all that shit. Und jetzt schaust du dir das an und denkst dir, ja, ich wette, die Musik in Silver Lake ist ein bisschen softer, ein bisschen mehr akzeptabel. Indie. Indie. Es hat einen Vibe. Das selbe mit Komödie.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Komödie in Hollywood ist schwieriger als Komödie in Los Feliz. Komödie in Los Feliz ist wie, du kannst nicht Fat Chick sagen. Das tut weh. Was zur Hölle? Ich weiß. Fatschicks brauchen auch Liebe, Bruder. Ich weiß. Ich habe gesagt, ich bin mit einer verheiratet. Das war eine Lüge, offensichtlich. Meine Frau hört auf. Sie ist absolut wunderschön.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
aber es ist so, dass ich Angst hatte, dass ich Fatschik und Los Feliz sage, und ich war so, ich war so, sind wir ernsthaft?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Let's be funny again. I think that whole cancel culture was really good for comedy. Because it let people take chances again. Comedy is not fun if there's no penalties. You can be dicey.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I think the indoctrination of that generation, the COVID kids, the ones that were in lockdown, I think that indoctrination kind of fucked them up. And now they're finding comedy in a brand new way. They're finding music in a brand new way. Totally.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
You can go to the edge. Whoa, whoa. Do you remember the first time you heard it in music? One of the things in music that really fucked me up was when you'd hear someone change rhythm in the middle of a song. And I remember going like, what? I was like, you can't.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I'm going to see him this weekend. I don't know if I met him. But I know him. He gave me a bottle of whiskey.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Dave Matthews, wir sind Mann, Bruder. Hey, kann ich noch einen coolen Bier? Dave Matthews ist der verdammte Mann. Er ist. Er macht das Ding, wo...
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ich glaube, das Festival war in Kazoo oder Kazam. Was? Kaboo. Wir hatten ein Festival in Kaboo. Wir hatten eine Stand-Up-Tent. Und... Meine Frau ist da und Dave Matthews spielt. Mein Show ist um 10 Uhr. Dave Matthews ist um 8 Uhr. Ich trinke nicht, bevor ich auf der Bühne gehe. Ich mache heute eine große Ausgabe. Ich habe heute zwei Shows im Store. Wir gehen. Wir werden da sein.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Und ich dachte mir, ich werde Dave Matthews fucking genießen. Er kommt in großartigen Formen raus. In großartigen Formen. Ich meine, einfach gesund. Sieht gut aus, richtig? Schmerzt seinen Arsch weg. Er hat gespielt, als wäre es 1999. Ja, ja. Er hat drei Stunden gespielt. Er hat drei Stunden gespielt. Und ich bin...
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
und ich erinnere mich an das Moment, als ich sagte, Alter, ich will, und die einzige andere Person, die das zu mir gesagt hat, ist Dave Chappelle. Ich sage, ich will auf der Bühne sein und Leute inspirieren, um gesund zu werden. Nun, ich habe das noch nie gemacht, aber ich mache das ganz anders. Maschinen machen das nicht.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Aber man, er sah fucking großartig aus und er hat ein verdammtes Show gemacht.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I'm gonna tackle you on stage. I took my dick out to make sure they knew, hey guys, we don't have big dicks. You see this? You see this? Rock hard! Tell me what an average day für den übrigen Teilnehmer dieser Band. Ich denke, ihr zwei solltet es zuerst sagen.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Yeah. Okay, I like that. Hey, that's awesome. You know, listen, all these people are telling you, wake up at fucking four in the morning, wake up at five in the morning, get your morning vitamin. Oh, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. I hit my sleep. Get your sleep. You know what? I swear to God, I'm such a big proponent of this. I'm going to give you myself. I'm going to give you myself. I like it.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Yes. Okay. Hit us with it. Number one. Sleep until you wake up fully. Don't try to get yourself up out of bed early. Fucking create your day around your day. Make it your day. It sucks to have someone else dictate your day and go, you'll be getting up at 8. Then you feel like, I have no power. I'm powerless. I'm going to cross the street slow today just to take my power back. It's crazy.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Number two, if you got this, and I swear by this one, Do not try to just change 100%. Just try to make today a little bit better than yesterday. So like if you started drinking at 4 yesterday, then today drink at 4.30. And know that I did better than yesterday. I'll tell you, I drank at 4 o'clock on Sunday. I then drank at 4.05 on Monday. And I looked at that as a win.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And last night I drank at 7 o'clock. I had four drinks, killed some water, and I woke up so proud of myself. Ich habe mich immer noch verdammt. Ich hatte eine gute Zeit, aber ich habe mir die Möglichkeit erlaubt, mich zu gewinnen. Setz dich nicht dazu, zu verlieren.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And that's the key to fucking life. Just do a little bit better than yesterday. Like right now you're at 110 days not drinking. The hardest part is getting back into drinking. Because there's a little bit of shame that comes along with it. The shame. The shame is what stops. We should live like that. You should never live with shame. Shame is so gross.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ich will das immer noch tun. Ich werde das auskleben und ich werde mich für das jeden fucking Morgen spielen. Ja. That's brilliant. If you're not stoked on yourself, you're fucked. If you're sitting there beating yourself up and listening to other people's thoughts about you, then you have no autonomy anymore. They own you. They own all of you. That's the fucking... Oh, that's so crazy.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wir sagen, dass die Leute krank waren. Bruder, du weißt was? Weißt du was? Ich muss das sagen und ich verabschiede mich, wenn ich aus der Schule spreche, Dave. Ich wünsche mir, dass ich den exakten Quote erinnere. Ich bin mit Dave Chappelle und wir sind in seinem fucking privaten Partyraum und wir, äh, Und wir reden darüber. Ich habe einen Sommerfestival, den ich jedes Jahr mache.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Es ist ein Comedy-Festival. Und ich mache einen Cruise. Und ich mache dieses Superbowl-Show, das kommt. Ich mache Shows. Ich bringe meine Freunde rein. Ich mag tolle Shows. In diesem Show, in den Superbowl, bin ich, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hanscliff und Adam Reyes, Dr. Phil. Ich denke, das wird nach dem Show aussehen. Gillis wird dabei sein. Dave Chappelle hat mir das gesagt.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Und das sollte auf einem fucking Shirt sein. Er hat gesagt, wenn wir kein Dope Shit machen, passiert kein Dope Shit. Das ist ein verdammtes Spiel. Wenn wir kein Dope Shit machen, passiert kein Dope Shit. Und das ist wie ein gesundes Positiv. Weißt du, was ich meine? Das Self-Help-Buch funktioniert auch. Wach dich um 4 Uhr auf. Nimm deinen Morgenstern, Sauna, Polar Plunge. Nimm ihn in den Gym.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Versuche so viel in Zone 2 zu bleiben, so lange du kannst. Habe Vitamins. Das funktioniert. Es funktioniert. Aber dann gibt es eine verdammte Version von diesem Buch. Es ist wie, yo, erstes Kapitel. Gib dir einen fucking Namen. You need an alternate. Give yourself a fucking nickname.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Do you know how great it is to walk down the street with your fucking kids and have some fucking dude at a fucking Barneys Bean Rear and some bar just go, oh shit, the machine. Let's go. That's a bum. I'm jealous of you guys. I would love, I would love To be 32. Living in Venice.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I get these guys. No, I'd walk in and I'd be like, guys, let me buy you furniture.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
It's the fucking sexiest shit. What? First of all, in real life when it happens, you feel a little bit like a creep, but if you can catch it and not double look, like if you accidentally catch a down blouse, you're the luckiest man in the world. Tell me, I'm horny. It's when a woman's wearing a loose-fitting shirt and she's not wearing a bra and she bends over and you can see her tits.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Oh mein Gott. Das ist ein Genre jetzt. Das ist nur ein Button-Down-Blouse. Das ist Mid-Blousing. Das ist nicht ein Button-Down-Blouse. Das ist wie der Milking-Tran. Geh auf den Asian-Check. Geh auf den Asian-Check. Das ist Down-Blousing. Yeah, it's the fucking, and they make videos on Pornhub that are just downblows.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Yeah, and it's just a woman washing a toilet, cleaning a toilet in like a fucking WWE-like shirt that's been cut up, and she's talking to the camera like, hey, do you guys want to go to Ikea later? And it's like, it's shit. It's also like realistic.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And it's just like, it's kind of the subtlety is what makes it hot. Can we air this? No, they're not going to air this. You're kind of like, she's like fucking rigged up and you're like.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Show of hands. Is it creepy or sexy to see a woman breastfeed? Creepy. I don't like it. Me either. Me neither, that's gross. Not sexy, but not... I was just making sure you guys weren't weird.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Das war schnell. Es ist cool, wenn die Kinder ein bisschen älter sind. Das macht wirklich nichts für mich. In Person, in Person. Ich google nicht Frauen-Breastfeeding.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Are both of them out? Well, no, the tutorials are allowed on YouTube because it's wildly stressful as a woman to breastfeed because you've never done it before. And some kids don't take the breast. And so it's like, and for some women, it's like... Once they latch on. Oh, there is tutorials. Holy shit. Yeah, and a lot of them are Asian, like Thai chicks with not a real baby. What the hell?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
What are you guys looking on the internet? That's what my friends tell me. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
No, no, no. I'd be fucked. I'd live in a garage. No, no, no. Delete, delete, delete. Alright, hand expressing baby. Okay, our Google just got really good. Guys, if you're watching this, these are two dudes.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
What do you think? It's very sweet. Like honeydew. Yeah, it's like crazy sweet. Handy. I've tried it. You did that milk test. I did a blind milk test, yeah. You did a blind milk test? I tried a few different milks. And one of them was breast milk? Yeah. And did you know the person? I did, actually, yeah. Okay, good. Be creepy to drink someone's breast milk.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Just watching a woman milk herself. Das ist, wo wir hergekommen sind. Wir sind in einer vollen Runde gekommen. Wir haben den ganzen Spektrum gekümmert. Hat eure Generation Porn gesehen? Ja! Weil meine Generation hatte VHSs. Und dann kam die Internetseite. Aber es war nicht bis... Ich war so 26, als die Internetseite mit dem echten Porn kam. Vielleicht 20, vielleicht 30.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Hey guys, quick reminder about the Two Bears 5K with me, Tommy and Jellyroll in Tampa. May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. Do not miss out on the early bird pricing because that will go away at the end of the month. Prices rise on March 1st. Get off the couch. Get on Strava. Jelly's on there. They'll get you to a 5K. You can do it with us. Meet us in Tampa. Go to twobears5k.com to register.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
That was an Air Bunnies accident. It's kind of weird to believe that Big Brother turned into Jackass, ultimately.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Rollerbutt, der Fruchtboot. Fruchtboots. Shit, Nummer zwei, Boob und Crap.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
It's so noticeable in your face. I'm an old school... BAM-Fan. Ich habe BAM kurz mit Ryan Dunn getroffen. Und Ryan Dunn ist der süßeste Typ. Ich bin auf CKY-Videos geboren. CKY-Videos haben unsere Leben verändert. Viva La Bam war einer der besten Shows, die jemals in der ganzen Welt gemacht wurden.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ich meine, Jackass war großartig. Es war großartig. Aber an einem bestimmten Punkt war Jackass schwer zu folgen. Viva La Bam, die Geschichten davon, waren so fucking gut.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Don Vito, there's never going to be a character. I just watched an episode the other day of Don Vito and Mike Valley? Yeah, dude. I just watched it online, started watching it, and then I was like, I don't mind watching the whole episode. It's so entertaining.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And what's so sick is... I think I watched this documentary. It's so good.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Oh, I got to. With Robinhood Gold, you can now enjoy the VIP treatment receiving a 3% IRA match on retirement contributions. The privileges of the very privileged are no longer exclusive. With Robinhood Gold, your annual IRA contributions are boosted by 3%. Plus, you Vielen Dank. Vielen Dank. Bis zum nächsten Mal. Tschüss.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. With fast shipping and their 100% satisfaction guarantee, you can shop with confidence knowing that Cigars International stands behind every order.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Whether you're new to cigars or a seasoned pro like the B-Man, Cigars International makes it easy to find the right cigar with helpful guides, staff reviews and expert advice. And that expert advice comes in so handy. I went to their site and I'm a ring gauge guy. And I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Er ist einer der coolsten Jungs der Welt. Ich sage immer, ich werde nie stoppen trinken. Aber manche Leute funktioniert es nicht. Und dann schaust du auf sie und sagst... I love that you're an inspiration for my sobriety, for the days I want to stay sober, for the days I want to get my shit together. When you do 100 days sober, it's fun as fuck. It really is fun. I felt like a child at times.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
It was crazy. Yeah, it's like you really connect. I'm going sober February 9th. Why that date? I don't know. Cool. No way. You just picked a random date? Yeah. I love that.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
No. Just a little bit better. February 8th was... Dude, we gotta clip that out as a fucking inspirational speech. That is the fucking... But no, the Super Bowl is February 8th. am 9. Februar, am 9. Februar, richtig? Am 9. Februar. Und dann, also ich werde am 10. Februar sober. Ja. Und dann nach dem Superbowl. Nach dem Superbowl. Und dann gehe ich in die Produktion oder so.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Und ich mag es, sober zu sein für die. Nur weil, es ist so, du willst nicht blöd aussehen. Du willst nicht fett aussehen. Ich habe es meiner Frau gesagt. Ich gehe, ich werde ziemlich hardcore sober. Aber ich werde es loswerden. Wie mein Spezial kommt am 17. März. Fuck, ja. Und am 18. März. Am 18. März. St. Patty's Day is March 17th. You're always a day off.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Chill! It's the sparkle. Der Spargel, den Alkohol dir gibt, wenn du es nicht viel machst, gibt es dir diesen kinderlichen Spargel, der deinen Körper öffnet und dich fühlt, als wäre alles gut. Ich habe, als wir die Pandemie gemacht haben, es war wie, ich habe es durch, ich glaube, ich habe drei Monate gesagt, ich glaube, es war wie 40 Tage, aber es war wie 40 Tage, nicht zu trinken.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Und eines Tages haben wir ein neues Haus gekauft, ich und meine Frau, und wir konnten nichts damit machen, also hatten wir nur dieses Wohnzimmer, dieses Wohnzimmer in diesem Haus, das war wie der Krepid. Ich konnte nicht aufbauen, weil es eine Pandemie war. Das klingt wunderschön. Es war tatsächlich mein Lieblingszeit in dieser Haus. Und ich liebe meine Haus. Ich liebe meine Haus.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Es war mein Lieblingszeit in der Haus. Und wir waren in der Hinterwäsche eines Tages. Es war wunderschön. Wir hatten unsere Pferde. Unsere Mädchen waren da. Meine Frau war so, ich könnte ein kaltes Bier benutzen. Ich war so, ja, das wäre schön. Sie sagt, willst du einen?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Sie sagt, komm schon. Schau auf uns. Schau auf deine Frau. Schau auf die Situation. Das Energie. Komm schon. Und du gehst. Und es ist deine Frau. Es ist deine Person. Und was ist? I love that you said that. Yeah, yeah. That's a huge thing. That's your person. Yeah, that's your person. You're in the moment. You got a person for the rest of your life. Only they would say that. You're in the moment.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
It's either you go in a hole or she goes in a hole. That's your person. Your ride or die.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ja, wir haben uns überrascht. Wir hatten, wir hatten, wir hatten jeweils zwei große deutsche Bier, die ich auf Tour hatte, die jemand mir einfach gegeben hat. Und sie waren in unserer Frise, in der Tourbusse. Und ich, und plötzlich, in der Mitte der zweiten Bier, hat mir der Spargel geschlagen. Und ich war so, Scheiße, ich werde nie wieder trinken lassen.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ich dachte mir, nichts ist so gut wie das hier. Das ist verdammt gut. Das ist verdammt gut. Das ist verdammt gut. Das ist verdammt gut. Das ist verdammt gut.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Mine was way younger. Were you both jumping? She was on her knees.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
First time I built a bonfire with a bag of sheets. It was on skid row. It was kind of late. First blowjob on a trampoline. I visualized her on her knees bouncing, him standing, holding her head going, we got to do it at the same time. Do not double bounce.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
No, no. I got mine 18 years old. And yours was awesome? It was so good. What? It was so good. This doesn't happen. I was closer to that. You said I said to her, I was like, that was fucking incredible. And then she said to me, I get that a lot.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Aber ja, lange her. Sie nannten das als Doktor, als ich ein Kind war.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Uncle Touchy. Da wären Kinder. Normalerweise sind die Kinder, die verletzt wurden, diejenigen, die... Was? Warum hast du nur Christine verletzt? Es ist wahr, aber... We're going off the edge, boys. Let's go. More shots. Yo, do you want to go into my room and play doctor? And you'd be like, huh, what's that? Then they get you naked and you're like, ah. I think something's going on here.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never done this. But my dick turned into Medusa.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I thought it was fucking awesome. By the way, I never got... I never got... I was always slow to all of it. Like I was always like, I can't imagine one day I'll kiss a chick. And then when it happened, I was in seventh grade. That was the first time I kissed a chick. And man, it was a really good one.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
That's almost a curse at times because you're like, wait, is this... It's coming so easy. Does that mean it's not good?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Es ist so, ich war so in Liebe mit ihr. Wir hatten einen Freund, ich werde seinen Namen nicht sagen. Joe Rogan. Nein. Nein.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wir hatten einen Freund, der hatte eine Verabschiedung gegen seine Tochter. Jesus! Das klingt schlecht, aber wenn du von seiner Seite hörst, dann denkst du dir, dass du mit ihr verabschiedet bist. Und dann denkst du dir, hey, ich habe nie eine Verabschiedung bekommen. But I understand it. I can wrap my head around it. How come you're not calling me back? I just want to see you one more time.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Erinnere dich an mein Alter. Weißt du, wie hart es war, um herauszufinden, was ein Gefühl war? Wir hatten keine Väter, die über Gefühle gesprochen haben. Wir hatten keine Moms, die über Gefühle gesprochen haben.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
deeper thoughts and like depression it's like oh people are like oh i fucking love that song it's like damn even writing jokes about depression is tough because like i was walking here and i was being vulnerable i was like yeah i was tonight i was like what i want to talk about on stage and i just ended up thinking about other stuff but my first thing i thought was god man i have like a low-key depression
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Es ist nicht so, dass ich nicht aus dem Bett kommen kann, aber ich lege mich einfach in den Bett und denke, vielleicht werde ich einfach weg. Ich weiß nicht, ob ich das auf der Bühne sagen möchte, weil ich nicht möchte, dass jemand aus der Bühne kommt. Aber jeder handelt sich damit um. Aber ich gehe zu diesen Low-Key Funks, wo man sich aufwacht und sagt, hm, eines Tages wird es schwarz werden.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Eines Tages wird es schwarz werden. Und ich bin so näher zu dem Tag, als ich gestern war.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Post-Thor-Depression. No reason to tap. Hey, by the way, I'm going through Post-Thor-Depression right now. Really? I couldn't tell. But you're the fucking Gunks. Das ist wirklich guter Vodka.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Das ist wirklich guter Vodka. Das ist wirklich guter Vodka. Das ist wirklich guter Vodka. Can you pull up to Forest Hill Stadium? Just so you have a perspective? No, in New York. And so we did it. It was a bunch of us. A bunch of comics. It was for my summer festival. This is it. Yeah, that's it. Maybe one day, boys. Hey, don't say maybe, just when.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Trust me. Do you think, I sat at the Greek one time, watching Wilco, and I was like, I literally was like, oh man, that would be cool to play here. And then I played the Greek, and I was like, oh wow, that's fucking insane. But these shows, this was the show that I got, this show is fucking insane. This show is fucking insane. This is one of the coolest venues in the country.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And I played the Gorge, I played Red Rocks, I played the Garden, I played everywhere you can ever want to play. This show is fucking wild. That's the one. Why is that? It's so beautiful. First of all, the sun sets over their backs.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I'll open for you. I'll do 10 minutes. I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be still pretty young and in shape, I think. If things work out properly, it's gonna be within the next two years. Let's go, baby! And that is gonna be the fucking show. And what they do with this show is in a planner box. I hope they're cool with me sharing. I don't know if this is like a secret, but I don't care.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
In a planner box, you plant a present for the next artist coming.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
So they came to me and they're like, yo, we got a present for you. And we have a video. Oh, dude, I'll get emotional. And you know this. So I get a video. It's Dave Matthews. No. Full circle. Dave Matthews was like burnt. Get that Dave Matthews bottle of whiskey. No shit. Oh yeah, he makes whiskey. He makes whiskey. No, no, no. He gave me a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And he gave me... I fucking wish I still had that goddamn... I bet I do. I don't know how to find it. But Dave Matthews... Let me just see if I type in Dave Matthews on my phone. If it does the search proper. And so... You got the right glasses. Jesus. But Dave Matthews left me a message and he was like... But... I don't know what he sounds like. He's pretty. He's from South Africa.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
But he doesn't talk like a South African. He talks like a Virginian. You'll find this a bottle of whiskey, man. Do you like my whiskey? Dave Matthews, man. Dave Matthews is so funny. He goes straight to walking. So he left me a message. I can't find it, but I'm close. I'm close. You're edging. And he was like... Er hat gesagt, hey Mann, ich weiß, du bist ein Fan. Ich habe einen Löffel Whisky.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Es ist ein guter Löffel von Jack Daniels. Und ich habe ihn hier für dich gebeten. Und ich habe es geöffnet und ich habe gesagt, ich spreche nicht an dieser fucking Sache. Wir öffnen es jetzt. Wenn wir es haben, ist es unten. Wir öffnen es jetzt.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Es ist schwer, sie wieder zu besuchen. Ja, ja, ja, bitte. Hey, können wir Peter hier sitzen lassen und nur die Bier haben? Ja. I've already turned on... You want vodka? I'll try some of that vodka. Should we all do a shot? Yeah, we'll do a shot. Let's do it! Tell Peter and Rachel, we need beer, yes, and we need a bottle of Porosos up here.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Sein Text war wie ein verdammtes Behebungsvideo. Sie sagten, danke. Ich bin sicher, jemand wird diese auf unsere Tour nehmen.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ja, ich glaube, es war er und seine Frau. Ich hoffe, ich kann das fucking Video finden, weil es so lustig ist. Das ist so verrückt. Er ist einfach gefreut. Ja.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
LCD ist der beste Live-Show. Ist das der Dave-Dreh? Ich glaube, das ist der Dave-Dreh. Oh mein Gott!
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Yes! Ich liebe es. Es gibt eine Signatur auf dieser Seite und auf dieser Seite. Also einfach es öffnen, uns ein paar Schüsse geben und wir nehmen einen Schuss von Dave Matthews. Oh mein Gott.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Das ist, wie das Leben funktioniert. Dave gibt mir diese Bottle. Wir nehmen einen Schuss. Brauchen wir die gleichen Schussklassen, Pete? Du bist gut. Ja, das ist perfekt. Ja, das ist perfekt. Und dann schneiden wir ein bisschen Promo. Und wir bringen es zu Dave. Lass uns das Bottle sehen. Wir machen ein kleines Shoutout zu Dave Matthews. Lass uns das machen. Ich liebe diesen Mann. Me, mein Bruder.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Hier ist die Sache. Wann war das Show, das wir bei Forest Hills gemacht haben? War es 2023? Ja, Mann. Er ist einfach der verdammte Junge. Er ist der verdammte Junge. Er ist der verdammte Junge. Dude, shout out to Dave Matthews. Shout out to Dave. I'm here with Strawberry Fuzz, a band from Venice Beach, California. They are huge Dave Matthews fans. We love you, Dave.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Different genre music, but still huge fans. Dave, you gave me this bottle in 2023 at Forest Hills, and I cracked it for them. So we're having a toast to Dave. Gott, wie großartig. Rock'n'Roll. Rock'n'Roll, Baby. Alle sagen etwas zu Dave kurz. Wir lieben dich, Dave. Wir lieben dich, Dave. Kann ich das sagen? Ja. Ich habe dich immer geliebt.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Das war smooth. Oh Gott, das ist auch gut. Das ist Rock'n'Roll, Baby. Oh Gott, das ist gut. Wir werden alle aufhören. Wir werden schlafen. Wir bekommen kaltes Bier. Ja. Wir sitzen zurück. Wir spielen ein bisschen Musik. Und dann werden wir... Dein neues Song, House Party, wird am 28. Februar veröffentlicht, korrekt? Ja. Das neue Album kommt im Mai. Du hast schon verkaufte Shows. Schon verkauft.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I just did my sixth special, and I've written so much, and I've done stand-up a lot, and I already kind of know all the tricks, and I'm like, Ja, ich dachte mir, was mache ich, arbeite ich an alten Sachen oder was? Ich wünschte mir, dass ich meine Stimme ein bisschen wiederentwickeln oder es wiederentwickeln könnte. Und ich frage mich, ob es, weil ich älter werde.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I'll tell you what I love about, and for a broad stroke, I'm going to say punk music. Punk music is us. Country music is me. Country-Musik ist ich. Ich habe einen Truck. Ich habe das. Punk-Musik ist... Wir fühlen uns so. Wir sind alle verdammt... Wir sind alle verloren. Und ich wusste nicht, bis ihr alle gesagt habt, dass das Pennywise ist. Und Brohim, das ist... Punk ist für alle.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Und ich schaue mich zurück auf euch. Als ich vier, sechs Jahre in der Komödie war, war ich so schnell und so schnell und so frisch. Ich erinnere mich, dass mein Freund Thomas Gerl einmal mir gesagt hat, Du vergisst mehr Material, als ich schreibe. Und wir waren jung und es war nicht so, als ob es alles Banger war. Aber er sagte, du vergisst mehr, als ich schreibe.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I may have to cancel my spot tonight. We'll play all night, baby. I'm getting fucking hammered and I'm having so much fun. Are you in the OR or in the main room? Both.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Und es ist ein bisschen frustrierend zu sehen. Und ich schaue zurück an das Zeitpunkt und es klingt, als ob ihr da seid. Und ich sage, Gott, ist das der Zeitpunkt, an dem ihr seid? Ist das eine Sache in der Welt, dass ihr so kreativ seid in euren 30ern und Anfang 20ern?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Gentlemen, Strawberry Fuzz. Let's go! Find them on tour. When you start your tour, find them on tour. Porosos, every band we ever have out here, we will put Porosos gear for everybody. Yeah! Everybody, we fucking dock you out. New album is coming out in May. I can't wait to hear it. I can't wait to fucking hear it.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
I can't wait to see what happens with you guys and I will open for you at Forest Hills. Thank you, Bert. Thank you for having us, brother. We appreciate you. Hell yeah. Thank you, everybody. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Weißt du, warum ich diese Song liebe? Ich bin 52. Weißt du, warum?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Ja, ein bisschen von The Cure. Aber das war es, was ich gerade singen wollte.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wir senden es zu dir. Meine Tochter und ich, Isla, sind in Hardcore-Punk-Bänden. Sie geht, um die Deaf-Tones zu sehen. Sie hat wirklich... Wenn du ein Kind hast und mit ihnen lebst, ist das eine Sache. Und dann, wenn sie in der Schule gehen und du sie von weit weg siehst, bist du eigentlich cool. Du bist ein Badass. Du packst dich auf den Backen. Ich habe einen Badass geboren.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Sie war so, warte, du kennst fünf Finger Deaf-Tones? Und ich war so, ja. Sie war so, kann ich sie treffen? Und ich war so, ja. Ja. Es ist verrückt, wer sie ist, aber wir haben gespielt. Ich habe euch für sie gespielt. Sie war so, ich mag das. Das ist gut. Sie hat gesagt, ich habe nichts so Gutes gehört. Und ich war so, oh, das ist so richtig. Es ist so.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Can you get post-it notes and put post-it notes with everyone's name on the mic stand so I remember everyone's name? I think I'm getting dementia. I really think I'm getting dementia. I'm starting to panic when I can't remember things. You should see my dreams. My dreams are fucking wild. Are you recording yet? Do you feel like your music represents you? Because that's the thing with comedy.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wenn ich Sugar höre, geht es mich einfach zurück in die 9. Klasse, als ich die Heilung gefunden habe. Und es gibt Inhalte davon, aber alles andere ist völlig anders. Und ich dachte mir, oh, das ist ein bisschen wild. Das ist eine Song, die alleine steht. Weißt du, was anderes wild ist, was ihr macht? Und ich meine, das ist ein Kompliment. Du kommst in und aus einer Song ziemlich schnell. Ja, ja.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wir haben euch in der Gym gestern gespielt. Und wir haben euer Album vier Mal gespielt. Ich meine, es geht einfach immer weiter und weiter.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Yeah. I don't know. What about you? See, I don't know, like... Brohem, so we... Of course, Pennywise, they're the fucking goats. Brohem was the, I mean, like, I'll get emotional talking about Brohem. Have you ever listened to that song? Yeah, Brohem. Party time for Jason! We would play that at fucking parties. Oh, that shit will get people fucking fired up. I'm telling you.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
It'll make people punch. It makes people punch. If you heard, bro, him at fucking Yanni's or Ken's, there was going to be a punch thrown by a guy that no one knew could fight. Wir hatten Rednecks in unserer Schule. Und du hättest Kinder von Coco Beach und Baby und so auf und nach der Küste. New Smyrna, Daytona, Jacksonville, die waren wie, hey, kannst du das Song? Das ist verrückt.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Das Song wurde gespielt. Also gab es ein Album, das war, wer war es? War es Epitaph? War die Label. Und sie haben rausgebracht. Ein Banger von all ihren fucking All-Stars. Oh, sie mussten das machen. Das war ein Ding in den 90ern. Und du hast alle von denen entdeckt. Ja, das ist fucking badass. Und das war, wo wir alle entdeckt haben. Und dann kommst du rein, deep-dive, und dann bist du so.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wo war das in Florida? In Tallahassee. So, was sieht dein Touring jetzt aus?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Classic. First album I bought when I moved to Tallahassee as a freshman. Was Fishbone a record? Really? Dude, yeah, we love them.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Yeah, Fishbone rules. Dude, we, I was on a plane with the, you know, the lead of Fishbone. Angelo. Yeah. And there's no mistaking him. You see him and you're like, oh, I know this fucking guy. Like I'm someone, if I see a famous person, I talk to him. I'll give a fuck what the rules are. I talk to him. I know it's gonna be awkward. You can be... Let me shake your hand. Let me shake your hand.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Buddy. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. Listen. And I'm famous. I get people who come up to me all the time. I'm cool with it. Be cool with it. If you're not cool with it, go fuck yourself. Hell yeah. Do you know who Heather Locklear is? Yeah. I saw Heather Locklear the other day. Damn. How's she look? Fucking... Weißt du, wie ich sie erinnere?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wunderschöne Rüste, großartiges Körper, Gucci-Tasche, perfekte blondes Haar.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Before you got to the face, you knew. I'm gonna be real and I hope she doesn't hear this. Hand was here, hand was here, right? Gucci bag around her thing. Gucci bag, check on. I was like, oh, who checks on a Gucci bag? Beautiful wrist, beautiful wrist. Side boob. Nice. Looked at her ankles, cool shoes, cool jeans, and blonde, perfect blonde hair. I go, that's fucking Heather Locklear. Holy shit.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
And you introduced yourself? What did you say to her? Well, I let her walk away. I said, check in over at JSX. I go, does she have a locker?
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
You know how I fucked it up? I go, you know who I am? Oh no! Kann ich dir erzählen, warum Heather Locklear ein absoluter Legend ist? Der Nummer eins, damit wir auf diesen JSX-Fahrzeugen kommen. Diese JSX-Fahrzeuge, ich weiß nicht, ob du sie gefahren hast. Es gibt nur so 11 Räder. Sie sind etwas teurer. Es ist, was du als semi-privat nennen würdest, aber es ist nur ein anderer Flugzeug.
Bertcast
# 665 - Strawberry Fuzz is Sick
Wir sind nie auf dem Flugzeug gefahren. Es ist wie Spirit, Bruder. Ich bin für Spirit. Ich gebe mir keine Angst, was die Leute sagen. Wir sind auf den Flugzeugen, die die Fenster fliegen. Ja. Sponsor us. By the way, they're looking for some positive PR. They'll need that. There's only like 11 rows to this. 13 rows. And it's like one seat on one side, two seats on the other side.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Hey guys, big game weekend, February 8th, Shirts vs. Skins in New Orleans at the Uno Lakefront Arena. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Reyes, Dr. Phil, and, dare I say, a very special guest who's been at all of these. Get your tickets at BurtBurtBurt.com.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I go there often and obviously I work out. But I go there because everybody in there is fighting something. They all have like a serious battle that they're really dealing with it. And they're dealing with it on their own. They're not like going through it. You can literally see them just one-on-one. And I get a lot of ideas out of the sport. There's a lot of poetry there.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You know what's interesting is something about boxing and whatever boxing I've done was all stunt movie boxing. It's just like to learn how to throw a punch and to duck a punch or to throw a jab or a combination. But there is a... This is so stupid, but it's like with riding a roller coaster. When you ride a roller coaster, you're forced to be present.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And when you box, you're forced to be present. You're forced to not think about anything else. So all these thoughts that come in are really clean.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. And like you said, it's really hard to think about your checking account. Yeah. Or anything in that moment when somebody's trying to punch you in the face. You really just stay focused on not getting punched in the face. It's crazy how very few distractions you have in that moment. And as an ADD person, you become pretty... focused. What's your brother doing now?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And like I said, it was a really comfortable place to live. And he taught me how to fight. He threw me in a ring really young. Because I think he knew like I was always going to be really quiet and I was always going to have battles. And I don't think he really knew what to do with me because I was just so different and so weird. But throwing me in a ring, that was like my first stage really.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He and my brother started it together and it's just doing really well. My brother has taken over the shop and he lives in the house that we grew up in and he really preserves our legacy. That is in Indiana. I don't know what it is. It is about the most Southern Indiana thing you'll ever see. It is a literal, like you drive into our driveway, you see the body shop sign and it's
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's the same driveway that I snuck out in as a kid and rolled my truck out of to go to keggers and cornfields. And it's a lot of history. It's wrapped around in a cornfield, very much like the movie Signs. Like every other year, it's corn or soy or off. So every three years it's wrapped in a cornfield and it's just a really very humble and simple way of life.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I'm grateful for him carrying my dad's legacy through that. It's a lot of hard work and I don't know anyone that works harder than my brother, Nicholas.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like everything I'm hearing about you, everything I talk to you about, everything that comes out of your mouth is so what I want out of, like, you know, I'm obsessed with John Cougar Mellencamp or John Mellencamp. Yes, sir. I'm obsessed with him. Hometown boy. Yeah. I'm obsessed with him. I did a show one time and they were like, John Mellencamp's at the theater next door.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I was like, can I meet him? And they were like, well, your shows would end around the same time. I was like, oh, I can go short. So I did usually like an hour 30. I did an hour 15. And I got off stage and I sprinted, sprinted next door and heard him closing out with Jack and Diane, I think. I think it was Jack and Diane or Pink Houses. And I sat off to the side of the stage.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I'm like, I'm watching you. And then he came off and he was like, it was so fucking cool. He was so cool. We took a picture together. He was so cool. But he was also like, you could tell he was like, I've been doing this for a long time. I'm going to give you like five, ten minutes. Like, hey, I'm fucking getting out of here.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I can see him. I don't know him at all. I actually met him when I was a young kid. He told me a dirty joke and he smoked cigarettes. That's all. I would do anything to be able to hit... rewind in my mind and go back and just replay that joke because it was it was kind of inappropriate but but quite funny and uh i just i wish i could remember i don't i don't remember it at all i was like
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I just know it was inappropriate because like his sister went, John, after he said it, he got in kind of some trouble for it. And yeah, that was my only John Mellencamp experience I've ever had. And he's from Seymour, Indiana, where I was born and raised. So he was the soundtrack to my life, my childhood, like my town, literally. It was really important for a songwriter.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like for anybody, for that matter. But especially, I didn't know I was going to be a songwriter when I was a kid. But he's a painter. He paints now, like really incredible paintings. His son.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
So he's got, I don't, can you pull up John, Hud, I know Hud. Hud and I partied together. He's got another son who's a painter.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. It was fucking amazing. Oh, I want to see his work. I mean, he gets it honest. His dad, I feel like his dad has been a painter for a long, long time.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, it's Speck. Speck is a wild, wild, amazing, good painter. Wow. I'm going to call Speck out for a second. Come on. He's named after his granddad. Is he?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I said, Speck, I want you to do a painting of me. He was like, cool. Speck's like you. He's an intense dude. Very artistic. Very direct with his words. Hud's a little more like me. A little fun, a little loose. Let's do a shot kind of guy. And Speck's like, I'd love to do a painting of you. I said, cool. So we set it up. Do you remember this, Leanne?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Kind of prepared me, I think, for so many boilerplates in life. And then eventually, I fought in all the Golden Gloves and we did all the boxing stuff growing up. I was a quiet kid hanging out in the woods, kind of taking notes of all of it. I had biology books that I would fill out and my own biology notebooks and drawings. My dad was concerned, to say the least.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He's like, I'll need you to sit for about nine hours. And I was like, Speck, I can't sit for nine hours. Speck's like, this is what I do. I'm a painter. But Speck's a brilliant, brilliant painter. Can you pull up some of his paintings? Yeah, I want to see it. What's your favorite John Mellencamp song?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
uh weakest moments yeah yeah that's probably like one that really sticks in and um check it out the i mean i just will never get over that song to the production and the lyrics um
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
There's a line in Jack and Diane. So I'm listening to Jack and Diane with Leanne. We're driving on the interstate. And Leanne's like, Leanne grew up like you did, like rural. Certain words in John Mellencamp's songs, the average person, it's almost like hip hop. You'll hear the song. You'll say whatever you think it is. You don't know what the actual thing is.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I thought it was, let me dribble off those babbling brooks and I'll do what I please. And Leanne goes, it's Bobby Brooks slacks. And I said, what? She goes, you had to grow up in the South. You have to grow up in a small town to know what a Bobby Brooks slacks are. That's what all the girls wore. Let me get you out of those Bobby Brooks slacks and do what I please. And I was like...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
How much more to his music was I not wrapping my head around? And how authentic is that lyric to the people that grew up like that? I mean, it's just amazing.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
The little details that really add up with him. And I really noticed that. And even in like paintings, there's so many little details and nuances that... you don't really think about till you really take it in. And I felt like he was always painting, even when he was writing songs, like his medium was a song and his pen was a brush.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It was this, and I actually, you know, I was lucky enough to live and grow up in his paintings, which is crazy because like the small town, the pink houses, everything, every song he wrote was like, I could look around and feel like I was living in a painting of his. And it was really important for me to see that as a songwriter. It's like, this guy is nailing it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I can believe this because I'm in it. There was nothing to dispute there.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I understand what you're saying because... When your music is what music is, and maybe whatever's hot, like Motley Crue or Guns N' Roses or Nirvana. Nirvana, you know, when I heard Nirvana the first time, I was like, I don't have any of that teen angst, but I wish I did. But I didn't relate to it. But then it was like, when I got into comedy, I'd hear people do smart, clever jokes.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I was like, I didn't relate to that because that's not what made my friends laugh. What made my friends laugh was a good story. The first time I heard Ron White tell a story about getting kicked out of a bar, I was with Leanne. I went, that's what I do. That's what I want to do. That's what made me and my friends laugh. A great story. And then I just shifted. And it was great.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It was right at the time of podcasting came out, and I started telling those stories that made our friends. But you got to see the thing that's really brilliant. Because anytime I drive through rural Indiana, rural anywhere, and you listen to John Mellencamp, you feel like you are in that music video.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. Absolutely. And he nailed it. And yeah, that's, I'm really grateful for him and, and, and all, all the work that he's done. I hope he, hope he feels appreciated.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Wow. Hey, when, when did you switch out? I want to know when did the divergent path, is that what you say? From golden gloves boxer to scientist happen? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
When was your last fight? Were you fighting when you were like, I think I'm going to go to college and become a scientist?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I was fighting all the way through college. I quit competitively boxing around my sophomore year of college because I just really didn't have enough time to...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
train and do a science degree and the golden gloves wanted to give me like a scholarship but you know you have to really stay entrenched in the sport and you really gotta train like you're gonna get your ass kicked bad and uh so i i really if i couldn't commit to the training i i didn't want to commit to it so i i really just focused on school and still trained in boxing um
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But, you know, right around college is when I was like, okay, I'm just, you know, I've kind of conquered, you know, all that I wanted to conquer in the sport of boxing. I wasn't really serious about going pro. I did nothing. think about it and really want to build a career out of it. But I had this science thing and I was just so passionate about it and I was just good at it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
That was really one thing. Just because you're good at something doesn't necessarily mean you're supposed to do it for the rest of your life. That's what I learned later on. But, you know, everybody was like you.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And he got me a guitar for my 16th birthday because he saw that I was just watching these guitar players all the time. And he caught me picking out theme songs on one of those little Walmart Casio keyboards. It was like a theme song to a sitcom or something. And he was like, you just picked that out by ear? Yeah. And he's like, he taught you how to do that. And I was like, nobody.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But you've been good at a lot of things. Yeah. Not all of us are good at a lot of things.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
My dad told me one time, for whatever reason, you're good at comedy. Don't think you're good at everything else. He goes, stick to the one thing that you're good at.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But you, I mean, you sound like a guy who's literally straddled dare I say greatness in different fields at different times where you've had to make a choice that not a lot of people get presented with that opportunity. Or that difficult decision of going like, do I go pro as a boxer or do I become a scientist?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Do I stay with science and one of the leading fucking candy makers in the fucking world, which have some of the best candy bars in the world, and we'll go through those candy bars in a second.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Or do I become... What I am, dare I say, one of the more prolific singer-songwriters I've ever seen enter in Nashville in my life. Like, the second I heard you, I reached out to you immediately. And the second I heard you, I reached out to everyone going, does everyone... And all of a sudden, in a flood of a week, everyone's hitting me up.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And like, I walk in and Halston's crying, listen to one of your songs. I mean, it's like really... So, I mean... So I apologize for interrupting your answer, but you had to straddle a weird decision.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. I mean, honestly, that one was a much easier one to put boxing on the side and go into science because one, it was safer and I valued my brain. And there's a lot of... A lot of people don't understand the head trauma that can happen with boxing. It's one of the more dangerous sports in the world. And then, you know, the real hard part for me was leaving science for songwriting.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Because I had a great gig, as you would call it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
This is an odd question. What does it look like or feel like to be good at science?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I guess it feels all right. I mean, honestly, I felt like a dork. I felt like a nerd. But, you know, I was a nerd that got paid.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But is it, is it like, are you like, like, I don't really understand science. So like, do you go like, do you like, like pull your eye back from a microscope and be like, fuck? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, I mean, I did at one point, I remember when I got my own lab and at Mars, I had my own lab and everything. Did you have to wear white to work and stuff? No, I didn't have to, but I did because, you know, we wore lab coats in the lab and there was a lot of safety gear you had to wear.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But yeah, there was a moment when I was like, wow, I got like my own lab and like, yeah, I can make anything in here. You know, there was like, I had like, you know, raw materials at my disposal and there was...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
there was a yeah there was there was a moment that you know i i really thought it was quite cool um i had no issue with being a scientist i actually really quite loved it um but i think the universe had something else in mind and i really well when i was working there i Back to the like, just because you're good at something doesn't necessarily mean you're supposed to be doing it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing it. That was... Really? Even though I was doing it and I was doing well at it, I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing it. And that was the hard part.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Were there guys that worked there that would walk in and not know about your boxing background and be like, God damn it. Hey, I said that needs to be on my desk by fucking four.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's just, this is how you play it. It goes like this. And, uh, he was like, that's weird. I couldn't do that. If you put a gun to my head right now. And, uh, he was like, and he, he, he saw my fascination with rock and roll. And, um, so he got me a guitar for my 16th birthday. And for some reason I felt like when I started playing it, like I always just knew how to play it. Like it was like a,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And you're like... No, they didn't know. Actually, very few of them knew about my boxing. Very few of them knew anything about me before that job. They just thought I was just another nerd. And a few of them knew about my music side of me because I was always writing songs and I was playing in bands. And music was always just like a hobby, I guess you would call it, on the side.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And something I took very, very seriously. Actually, it was where my passion really was, was in songwriting and music. You know, some people like golf on the weekends and fish and stuff, which I do that. I fish. But I just wrote songs. That's all I could think about.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And that's all my brain was focused on at the time because I think something was telling me this is what you're supposed to be doing. There was just some massive amount of energy and focus towards that. that I honestly can't even quite understand now. But when I would go into that office or the lab, I had an office and a lab.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And when I first started going there, I had, like I said, a feeling that I wasn't supposed to be there. I call it like a feeling you could hear. Yeah. It was weird. It's like dramatic to say you could hear it because it's lame. It was just something like a, it was weird. And if I was to translate that into English, it would have said, you're not supposed to be here.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I think that's, and you know, it was very annoying and quiet. But as the years went by there, it got really, really, really loud, like annoyingly loud. And I had this boss that, Took me aside and basically told me, he used a metaphor. He told me they're about to put the golden handcuffs on you. And it was a very powerful one.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I was like, I don't like the sound of that because I don't care that much about money. And I don't want to be handcuffed anywhere. And it was really effective being a word nerd. And back to the feeling you could hear thing. You know, I had that conversation and like this thing was just getting louder and louder.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And really, you know, leaving that job to write songs for nobody, for no money, with no direction, no publishing deal, nothing. My biggest fear was walking into that office one day and that feeling that you could hear would be gone. Like it was just gone. Like,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
that scared me way more than coming in one day and it was louder and louder and louder it being gone scared me more because it like it moved on like it gave up on me and that's what made me make that decision so this is pretty fucking deep that's really fucking deep well i i'm really i'm really grateful for it because i'm not sure if i would have made it without it um
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I would have just stayed doing what I was doing. Not what I was supposed to be doing.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I was the exact opposite. I was one of the golden handcuffs. I was money. I cared about money. I still care about money. I don't know about it. I don't realize about it. I talk freely about not understanding money and not really caring about understanding money and not caring about money. But I always wanted it. When I didn't have it, I really wanted it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Then once I got it, I was like, this makes life easier. Easier. You don't wake up with worries, but it doesn't make life better. But when I worked for Travel Channel, that noise, it was screaming. It was like, get the fuck out of here. And I was like, I can't hear you. Someone get me health insurance. Yes.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. It's a, you know, it's a powerful motivator and growing up really poor. Like I did. I mean, that was the best job I've ever had. And anybody back home be like, you're going to give, like people would give up their left arm for that job. Like, and you're making great money. You got benefits of 401k. Where were you living?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
uh i was living in nashville like mars is based out of uh franklin at least then mars north america we should let everyone know you were a you're a scientist from mars yeah i was a scientist for mars not from mars so what did your job entail as a scientist like you did you break down stuff inside the candy bars well i actually worked in their pet food division because they actually own
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Kind of makes me believe in past live regression and all that stuff because I don't know. Because I just feel like I just know it. And I started picking it up and playing by ear and just hiding in my room. My dad just kind of got real used to that. And then I decided to... Science was like my ticket out of my hometown. Because I wanted to go see the world.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
A huge chunk of the pet food. You did the little greenies. Yeah. Well, it's called Dentistix Fresh. Dentistix, yeah. Dentistix Fresh. That's one of my babies. It's still on the shelf. I still see it out there. It's like, come on, keep going. But yeah, I made a handful of products for them over the years. Did the snack rooms just have candy bars everywhere?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
They did have candy bars in the lobby that they would bring in. And my first year there, I gained like 20 pounds because I never had never-ending access to full-size Snicker bars. I mean, they were like buckets, not the little minis, like buckets of full-blown Snickers bars. What do you think the best candy bar Mars makes is? Snickers.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Okay. Thank you. Everyone can go fuck themselves. It's Snickers. And Snickers is the... it delivers so much variety in a bite that all sings the same song. Absolutely. And I love, I got to give a shout out to Mars. And I hope they hear this and I hope they're proud of you.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I hope they like claim you as one of yours and play your music in their place and go, hey guys, listen, if you want to quit, you can quit, but you got to be a fucking rock star afterwards. But like, so they do.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I love them. I just bought every candy bar they have. What I love about, okay, this is my, I'll tell you my, I didn't buy every, I guess we bought some. I love that the Three Musketeers is an entry level to what we then call the Milky Way, which is an entry level to the Snickers. It just adds and adds and adds. It's so brilliant. Do you not like nuts? Hey, man, try a Milky Way.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
What, is caramel too much for you? Then just try the Three Musketeers. Yep. It's absolutely brilliant.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I love that they hold on old school, old school. They're not getting rid of their grandma's petticoat to a bounty. They're like, yo, we still got candy bars for your grandfather. It's a bounty. Bounties are fucking awesome. Dude, bounties slay, man. I remember when Twix came out. Pull up when Twix came out.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I got to say, I remember two candy bars coming up, showing up on the scene, Twix and whatchamacallits. Whatchamacallits? Whatchamacallits, man. I remember the commercials for Whatchamacallits. You want a Whatchamacallit? What is it? A Whatchamacallit. What's that? A Whatchamacallit. And I was like, Twix came out in the UK in 1967, and again in 1979, and again in 1979.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
In 1979, I remember getting one of these and being like, okay, this is a game changer. This is like, oh, this is out of this world. Have you ever had one frozen? No. No, I got fake teeth, so I just shatter my teeth. Yeah, don't do that. I watched a woman shatter two tooth on a frozen Snickers.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I could totally see that happening. Yeah. But I'm a big fan of freezing my candy or getting it cold and eating it. And I do the Seinfeld thing, and I'll eat my Snickers with a fork and knife. I'll do it, man. I don't care. I can totally see you doing that. I did it the other day backstage, and my bandmates, they had forgotten that that's a Seinfeld.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
They were like, why have I seen this before? It really blew their minds. It tastes different when you cut it up and slice it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's like taking your time with it. It's like... I'm going to overshare a story, but last night I wanted to have sex with my wife, but I didn't just want to have sex with her. I wanted to make an event out of it. I wanted to have some sex. And so that's different than just banging one out and getting in and out.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And when you do that with a candy bar, and you make love to a candy bar, and you take your time with it, you really appreciate that. And I do that with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. If you just allow it to dance in your mouth, like... When I was a kid, I heard a story about these poor kids that lived in Florida and their dad brought them back honeycombs.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I was like, that's got to suck. And then they were like, you ever had a honeycomb? I said, no. And they go, when you don't get anything else, honeycomb is pretty amazing. And I was in fourth grade and I'd heard this story and I saw a honeycomb. They brought honeycombs to our science fair and they were letting us peel off a little bit of honeycomb and eat it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I remember hearing about these kids, how they took their time with it. And I put that come in my mouth and I remember that to this day I think about that all the time
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I didn't want to stay in my tiny little hometown and be my father's son in that town. I felt like I needed to go see other things. And... So when he died, that's how you got me. Because all of that before he died and his shadow went away. and the light was on me and here I am. And this is what you got. And I died with him.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Bet it blew your mind, didn't it? God, man. Honey is really good. It's really good.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, like God made good candy. Like, yeah, when you really find it. Yeah, and I had to like blow. I always think about like the first person that found a watermelon. I could think about cracking into that thing and like, what? Like, this has to be God.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Do you know her grandfather one time? Leanne's grandfather said, do you ever have a hot watermelon? And I was like, what? He goes, boy, we didn't. Hot watermelon. He goes, out in the sun. Crack one open out in the sun. Never had a hot watermelon? And I went, I've only had cold watermelon. You know, it's like, have you ever drank milk out of a cow's udder? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and it's hot.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's like piss. And you go, oh, it's hot. And they're like, you thought it would be cold? I go, yeah, milk's always cold. They're like, no, it's out of its body. Yeah, it's body temperature. Yeah. I was like, oh, that's odd.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts. And of course the mind blowing production and pyro, the band is known for, and I am telling you, I've seen that firsthand. We saw them on tour. The whole, our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down, check out Burt cast number six 23. They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach is, is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade, this is a night you're not going to want to miss.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. Did you have animals growing up?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, my dad was very agrarian. It wasn't like a hipster, trendy thing to do, but we'd raise...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
two sows one year and then a steer the next year and we'd rotate and we were a big deer hunting family so we'd always have tons of deer meat in the in the freezer and people would drop off deer if like you know some of my dad's friends would like kill an extra doe or have an extra doe tag or whatever they'd drop a doe off and because they knew my dad was raising kids and he had a lot of expenses but me and my brother would have to butcher him so but yeah we'd have a
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
a lot of, we had a lot of animals, but not because we were trying to, I mean, we literally ate these things. So like it was, and we raised rabbits for a long time for food. We had like my dad for about two or three years, we like, we just ate so many rabbits. We had these like,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
little cages in our barn and we would we'd have like 60 to 70 rabbits i'd have to go out there and kill like a half dozen of them every other day just to keep up with them leanne's chomping at the bit leanne grew up hey come sit in on this leanne leanne grew up just like this yeah like you eat rabbits oh no she she didn't you have to kill raise a pig or some shit
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
My grandparents had a 250 head cattle farm. Oh, wow. So we didn't have nothing like that. But they were so rural, you know, so they ate everything we ate. They grew either in the garden or we had goats, pigs. We would always set aside a cow and a pig every year. We did not eat rabbits, but we had lots of... I mean, he was a cattle farmer, so we didn't need to eat rabbits.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, of course not. Why would you eat rabbits?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But everything they ate, they grew. Yeah. And they'd trade with the dairy farm down the street.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It was really cool. I mean, I didn't... I lived with my grandparents for a little bit, and I definitely worked on a farm. I had to raise a calf every year.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
As you're telling your story, I'm listening. Her dad's a trainer. He has a body shop.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, he has a mechanic shop. His brother had a body shop, so they worked together. One would do mechanic work, the other do body shop.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Leanne can't sing at all, so there's a big difference.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's a power duo right there. Body man and mechanic.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I know. Smell a Bondo. Take you right back, right?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I can smell it right now. I can too. I can literally taste it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's very specific. And when you smell it, you're like, somebody's doing body work.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Oh, yeah. Yeah, very. So if you don't mind me asking, and by the way, anything we can edit, anything out, anything you don't want to talk about. Did your parents get divorced or did your mom...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
That's what a lot of people don't tell you is when someone like that dies that you die right there with them. And everything that I thought I was died with him on the phone when I said goodbye to him on an iPhone 8 in the middle of Kentucky on the side of the highway. And with that came a birth of this weirdo, which is a culmination of everything I've done in my life.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, they got divorced when I was about five. And your dad took custody? Yeah. It's a long story. And my mom is doing really good right now. I'm so proud of her. She's had a very, very rough life. She's a huge part of what I do, even though my album is called Son of Dad. My dad is very much a huge component of what I do. But my mother is... You know, there's a lot to unpack there, and I will.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But, yeah, she... Like, everything that I do, I think a lot of that comes, at least as a musician, as an artist, it comes from her. My dad didn't do music, and, like, he didn't really have an artistic side.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
She's from southern Indiana, yep. And she was raised by her mother, and... with six kids. And yeah, she was a wild kid and she had me at age 18. So I was like, you know, I should have, I should not be here.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, you, there's without a doubt, you are what Leanne calls it, the Oprah gene. It's the kids that, Leanne's got it. It's the kids that, all the cards against them. They're not supposed to turn out the way they turn out. But for whatever reason, they don't need The cop that pulls over every day and goes, how are you doing? You've got that gene where you go, I'm just going to persevere.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I'm going to keep doing things that interest me.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's a resilience. And I think part of it is your dad raising you the way he did. Because boxing just builds so much grit and metal. And I mean, like... I could totally relate to that too. I grew up in a log cabin with no heat. So we had to chop wood and one room had heat. And so I slept like in a bedroom that had no heat and it was cold as shit.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And even today he likes the thermostat at 66 and I'm like, I'm having a trauma response.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
can i not walk around and be freezing i can't i take my clothes in the living room to get dressed because it's too cold in our room for me because i had to get undressed and take a shower and like the water would be frozen in the sink cold you don't want to get it's weird but but then the positive of that is you can do anything you put your mind to yeah i have a question about
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
When you worked for Mars and that voice was talking to you saying, this is not where you should be, then why do you think you were there? What was your purpose?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Uh, well, I was in bad shape when that job showed up. I was, you know, I just graduated from college. I was playing in indie bands and I was actually homeless when that job showed up. I was like living in a van. Uh, so I was like a Chris Farley joke. Uh, it's like, I literally was, I was literally like a mile away from the river. I was like, I'm literally living in a van.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
you know i was driving like a scooter around because my car got repossessed and um i was literally just sleeping in the van and yes when that job showed up like it really was you know i was in bad shape i was in you know a bad time so i think that job showed up for a good reason and i think i needed to see kind of what you know because i went and got that degree i spent five years getting it and
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I had a lot of bitterness. I was like, why don't I just go be a scientist? I could fix my life right now. And then that job showed up and it really just kind of showed it and answered that prayer. And it was like, oh, you asked for it. Well, here it is. And then I think I needed it at the time. And it's been a huge part of, you know, I feel like that company helped develop me in a weird way.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like for me, it was Travel Channel. Those jobs show up to teach you something about yourself. Yeah. And when I do this podcast, I always hope there's a young... I say young man because I'm a guy and I think... I just think it's a guy or a girl listening to this in a job like we were in going, oh, wait, maybe I need to look at this job as what is this teaching me?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
What is this giving me to get to the next place?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Was there a panic leaving the job and to go back to music? Was there a panic where you're like... Oh, massive.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. But at the same time, the panic was like wrapped in a piece that... And which was a very comfortable place for me, panic wrapped in peace or peace wrapped in panic, whatever it is. And so that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But it takes a big paradigm shift. I think a death, like a death of someone and a death of self to get here. And that's, I don't know how I got here.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, there it is. So, yeah, it was a it was just another round. It was like just another another bring to jump into. And. Yeah, I definitely dealt with a lot of doubts for the first couple years. Like two months after I quit my job, I was hooking up a shitty John boat to a trailer and the leg slipped out and fell on my hand and severed two tendons in my hand. Right after I quit my job.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Are you fucking kidding? So I was like, I didn't even know if I was ever going to be able to play guitar again.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
like the doctor was like I don't know if you're ever gonna and like this was like well I guess I made the wrong decision here like so it was really quick to like you had a lot of like doubts creeping in and be like just go back and get your job and you know they would hit me up and be like hey you know if you ever want to come back you can and there you know there was there was a lot of temptation but
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
At the same time, I really just stayed true to what got me out of there and tried to listen to that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Where did that come from? Not everybody does that. So why do you think that you were able to say, golden handcuffs, no. It fell on my hand. I'm doing it anyway. I believe in myself. From your dad.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, he's crazy like me. Like back to the, like he taught himself how to box. He threw himself in a ring, raised three kids. He's just crazy. He was a wild man.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. And he just was a dream chaser. One hundred percent. So like when everybody else was like, you're crazy to leave that job. He was literally the only person going, you got to leave that job. I love that. And he just really he was like an unabashed dream chaser. And, you know, he raised the three of us.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You made me think I'm named after my father. I'm a third person. And I lived in his shadow and my dad is nothing like me. And I make my dad very uncomfortable. And I often think about, I think probably more than the average person about the day my dad dies. I think about it all the time. When phone calls come in, I go, this is the phone call. And I wonder if there is...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He wasn't able to chase a lot of his boxing dreams because I think he really could have been something truly great. And I think he saw a lot of that in me, a lot of that craziness, the wildness. And I have his tenacity, just that stubborn. I'm really grateful I inherited that from him because that is totally him. I got the...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I was talking to someone about this the other day, I think in Nashville. I'm just too dumb to not know I can't do it. I just go, why not? Why not? It's got to be somebody, right? It's got to be... I was talking to... I forget who I was talking to, but we were like... I just was like, yeah, why not do a summer festival? Why not put together a summer festival? Why not...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Why not take chances that no one takes? Who gives a fuck? You're only here once. One day it's going to go dark.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Someone's got to do it first. And it pisses a lot of people off. And when you get... I always say when you're that alpha wolf laying, paws crossed on top of the mountain, a lot of people get pissed off. They don't like to see your paws crossed.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
No, please, please. By the way, Christian, I'm just going to tell you, you did a horrible job buying candy. What? You went to one fucking gas station? I have a company. Christian, like yesterday, I'm going to call him Kirsten. Kirsten yesterday goes, dude, I'm going to swing by Mars. I'm going to swing by and get every fucking candy bar. He got a Snickers, a Milky Way, and a Twix and a Bounty.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I've never even heard of a bounty. It's coconut.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
So this is the O-U-N. You got to get the O-U-N, right? It's coconut.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
M-O-U-N-D-B-O-U-N-T. It's an alliteration thing. That's how they do that. B-O-U-N-T-Y-M-O-U-N-D-S. It is, I swear to God. It's not a mistake. It's scientific. Ask the scientist when he gets back. And guess what? It's in two pieces like a mounds bar. I guarantee you it's same, same. No. It is because, look, the Mounds bar comes in two pieces. I hope you're keeping this in the fucking show.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Two pieces. It is whoever came first, Bounty or Mounds.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Find out who came first, Bounty or Mounds. Who came first. You stepped out at the perfect time to piss. I think that bounty is an alliteration. B-O-U-N-T-Y to M-O-U-N-D-S.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And they are both in two pieces. A mounds bar and a bounty bar. I don't think it's a mistake that both words have O-U-N.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Oh, you are married? Do you have kids? I have a stepson, yeah. My wife's name is Leanne.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Are you fucking serious? The bounty chocolate bar was introduced in 1951. Jesus Christ.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
So your music, okay. The lyrics that you write are very poetic and lyrical and beautiful. Did you grow up reading? Where did that come from? In your life.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, a lot of it comes from my mama. Yeah. I used to, when I'd visit her, I'd catch her writing poems on junk mail. She'd write poems and she was going through a really, really tough time. Like I said, abusive relationships and just really living in poor conditions and And I would see her writing poems on probably bills she couldn't pay. And then she'd throw them away.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And it was just like her way of getting it out. And I would do anything to have those because I bet there's this incredible... work in there so I really I started doing that that's how she coped yeah but she didn't really exactly and she she didn't know what she was doing she didn't take any poetry classes she just knew how to pour emotion out onto paper and
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
and to make it just beautiful i just remember her penmanship and just every it was just so artful and yeah i just started copying her and i would write him and sit you know quiet and secret you know because it wasn't cool for like a country kid to be writing poems like it was my own little secret hobby i had that my dad didn't even know i
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
did it my brother and sister didn't even know i did it it was just just my own little thing like my mom had it and you know it was what it was my my thing i got from her and um and her disability to observe the world and she's like really witty and very very funny and so i think a lot of all that comes from her like all the writing and and obviously i've read a lot and like poets like
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
inspired me a lot like edgar allen poe is one of my when i started reading poe i was like this is it like i wish school was just this constantly and you know i was like when everybody was like dude you seem a little extra excited about it edgar allen poe you need to like pump the brakes on that a little bit it's like all right i'm back to being a quiet uh kid that would fight at recess but honestly that was like um
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I wonder if that moment when he passes, if that will be the death of a part of me and a rebirth of a part of me. Because I lean on that guy so fucking much.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
That really caught my heart is when I started reading Poe. And then I got into writers like Kurt Vonnegut and Stephen King and all them. Those really, really prolific writers that just would pour information out of their brain nonstop, no matter what. I was really influenced heavily by that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's an interesting brain to have a science brain and a humanities brain, right? Those are two people think they're opposing, but really science is about creativity within boundaries, right? So it's creativity either way you go, I think. But that's really interesting that you didn't pursue English as a major or creative writing or something like that, that you went into science instead.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, science made a lot more sense to me and I was trying to make sense of the world and science seemed to be a way for me to do that. I was trying to like break it down at its molecular level. I'm a microbiologist. I started with the smallest biology you can find, then worked my way up. From there, so I really was trying to just understand why we're all here. It's a science.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I learned later that science is just a tool. It's not an ideology or a religion or anything like that. It's just like a chainsaw. If you use it wrong... you know, it can backfire on you. But if you use it right, it's a really useful tool for trying to find a truth and sift all the bullshit around it. And I think that's what I was, I was seeking a truth and science is a truth seeking mechanism.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. You don't realize how much you do, especially when they're gone. It really hits you massively. Yeah, I understand that. Cherish him if you can. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And so that's really what attracted me. And there's a lot more
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
creativity like you said in science than you think and there's a lot more analysis and creativity than one might think so which one which do you draw from more when you write songs out of your both backgrounds boxing and which do you find your songwriting is closer to your science brain or your boxing brain probably the boxing brain because that's where it's like just pure heart you need that first but
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Shit. I was a product of a father's shadow, I think. Yeah. Big time. I'm a junior. And I wear my dad's name. My dad had a big personality.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
My researcher mind has been really helpful because I approach a song... like a hypothesis, like an idea. And you get to test that idea, just like you get to test a joke. A joke is like an idea, a hypothesis, and you test it against the world over and over and over again in an experiment. That's how you get a truth in science. You can't just do the experiment once and be like, oh, we're good.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You got to test it over and over and over again against the world. And the world is big. There's like different labs and different worlds. Like you tell the same joke in Denver versus New York. It could be totally different. You really get attested against the whole world. And using that method for... deducing a song's worth has been very helpful for me because I approach it that same way.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It starts with a hypothesis and goes all the way down the line until you hopefully have a truth. And hopefully you've done the due diligence and kept your user bias out of it to not interfere with it. Because I really just want to use my experiences and my emotions to authenticate an idea, not so much you know, be the idea.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I just wanna use it to be like, okay, I felt this, most likely somebody else has felt it and then go test it against everybody else, not me. So science is, it's a little bit of both, but you have to have the heart first and boxing is all that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
We were listening to your music in here yesterday, getting ready for this interview. And when you say that, my favorite songs of yours have such an authenticity. They don't necessarily fit a mold. Like sometimes you can listen to country songs and it sounds like a formula. Someone's talking about a hound dog, a truck, a beer.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And you're like, well, everybody's talking about a hound dog, a truck, and a beer. But that's not what I feel when I listen to a lot of your songs is that they don't fit
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, he's coming out tomorrow? Saturday. Saturday, so I'm going to build up to it. My dad could be a lot. Yeah, I understand, yeah. It's funny, my dad, when I was... When I was six, I was playing second base and I caught a fly ball, bases were loaded, and I spiked the ball and ripped my shirt off and started dancing. And everyone cleared the bases and we lost the game. My dad was fucking livid.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
a formula but they still work in a formulaic way or something like that does that make sense like they're just really really authentic and your voice to me is true to you um and very specific to you you know what we were saying which is pretty kind of it's kind of cool is when we listen to you play with the band it's fucking amazing and when you hear you play solo it's fucking amazing can i tell you the analogy we drew from
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It was like, do you remember when you saw Nirvana unplugged and you're like, okay, so now I have two favorite bands, Nirvana with their plugged in and Nirvana unplugged. And they're so different. They're so different, but they're so fucking awesome.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I got to give a shout out to the print shop, the print shop guy. And I DM that guy. I think he's out of Atlanta, right? Yes, sir. He's out of Atlanta. If you got to check him out, because that's where I saw you in that print shop session. And then I checked out and he's got a lot of great fucking music.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He's got a lot of great music and he is under viewed in my opinion.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I think they should have, that's like, that was such a great fucking session. But what's crazy is like, so I see you on that and then I, and then I'm starting, I think I'm talking to maybe, maybe I was talking to Hardy or I was talking to, maybe earnest or jelly. And I was bringing up and they go, you know, he's been writing songs in Nashville for a while.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like he's like, he's like a legit, amazing songwriter. And then they started saying all the people he wrote songs for. And I was like, how the fuck did that happen? And I'm going like, Oh, like yesterday I was like, I got to hear these guys sing some of your songs. And then, and then in a weird way, I was like, are you allowed to re-release all the songs you've written for people?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Because I know like we saw Ernest and he played like a song that he had written for, I think for Morgan or something. I don't remember, but he played a song that was like a big hit song. And we heard Ernest play it and it was like totally different than the way you hear another person play it. And I was like, what was it like writing?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And also awesome, right? Awesome, amazing. Like his version was awesome, but different from the artist. Ernest, I have to say this.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Ernest might be one of my favorite new friends I've ever made. He makes me giggle so fucking hard.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He's a funny dude and he's really talented and he just is a, All you guys, man, you guys are in such a cool people. You say that about us. They're like, man, I'm so jealous. You guys are all the LA scene podcasting. It's just taken off. I look back and I go, man, we had it fucking made. We are having so much goddamn fun at that time.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And then a bunch of people fucking traded out and went to Austin. What a fucking assholes.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I just moved to Austin. I know what you're trying to say.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But what was it like writing music for other artists and giving it to them? And then going like, did you ever sit back and be like, can you,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I saw it a little different in my head. No, I never did that. I mean, I feel like once you let go of it, you got to let go of it. And I never imagined myself being an artist when I was a staff writer. I didn't like, oh, this is how you sing it, dude. I mean, I wasn't a singer. I never sang a song for anybody ever until like 10 years ago.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
So who am I to go, but you need to sing this different because I'm whatever. So I didn't really have much of that. I was only singing the demos just to get the songs cut. That was the only reason I was singing, period. It was just because I wanted them to sing the song. But yeah, I'm very much a... A Nashville songwriter. I went to Nashville on purpose to learn from the greatest.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I still believe that Nashville, Tennessee is the best place on planet Earth to learn how to write songs. I'm not going to say the best songs have come out of Nashville. And Nashville gets a lot of grief for some of the music it's put out. But I'm very much a Nashville songwriter. I learned from the greatest in that town.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I moved there because I heard like every song that really moved me as a kid was written in that town. And I had to go where the lions were. And so as a staff writer, I was honored because that's where I wanted to be. Like I was with my peers. I never dreamed I'd be an artist.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But my idea of the top of the mountain was being in those rooms with those writers and learning from the best or working with the best. This whole artist stuff and singing, none of that was supposed to happen. But yeah, like that was everything for me. So just literally being in the rooms with these writers, because those were like my real heroes.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I learned, I mean, I basically went to songwriting school for years and years and years. And this is, you know, my music is also a byproduct of that. Back to what you said, Leanne, there's a formula without there being a formula. I think, you know... There is a little bit of that, but I really have learned from incredible lyricists, because I write all my lyrics first.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I love that, man. But I didn't see him getting mad when I saw where the stands going, losing their minds. I remember to this day, someone yelled, put some mustard on that hot dog. And my dad's like, I got off. He goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I was like, what? It was awesome. He was like, we just lost the game. I said, but did you hear everyone cheering?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I write usually the whole song lyrically first before I put it to music. But I learned that from many other writers in town that would do that as well. Yeah. You know, it really starts there. And then the music and the style of it comes secondary after the idea and the concept is already established itself. And that's very much a Nashville thing.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I proudly wear that jacket, that bowling league jacket.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And then you figured the music that would make it sound right?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But that day in particular, I'd never worked with Travis. I'm a big fan of his. And so I was just nervous. And we were just trying to write a song that we could both be very proud of. And that song really just fell out of nowhere. That was a really, really divine appointment. It's a crazy song. Yeah. And we wrote it maybe in two hours, maybe.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Everything, yeah. And we wrote the lyrics. Travis loves to write lyrics too. So we were very happy together just carving out the lyric. And the music kind of came in parallel path, but also a little bit after the lyrics totally led the show. But it just happened very fast. And yeah, it was, like I said, very much a divine thing.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
So when you go into like a songwriting, I hear a little bit about how Nashville works from other people, but they go like, yeah, we went to a songwriting retreat or we sat down to write a song. I worked with another guy or it wasn't a group of guys. And then you hear about that. When you go to write songs, are you just like...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
going through your life and you're like, uh, like, cause I mean, comedies, I mean, I'll show you how comedy works. It's very simple. It's, uh, you just see something and you go like, you're like, Oh, that's cool. I'll show, I'll give you a perfect example. Uh, I watched Leanne, someone did a magic trick for Leanne the other day. And I was like, hey, man, they should do magic for Mennonites.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like, I think that would really blow Mennonites' brains. Because they don't even, they've never seen TV. Like, they'll really, I mean, they believe in the shit they believe in. You could really fucking trick these people.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
so then but like and so then i was like so i just wrote that down magic for mennonites and then i go so then that won't be so that won't be the joke but the joke would be you know lean and then and then and then just then that's a tag inside it so then i write these things down that'll be little pieces into a bigger thing and as you write the bigger thing all of a sudden you'll take these little pieces and plug them in are you doing that with a song what do you do you
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And he was like, you took your shirt off. You're six. The fuck is wrong? I mean, we sat in silence on that ride home. And I was still shirtless. And the song Sticks, it was Sticks was playing in the car. And I was like, I'm still oblivious. I looked at my dad and I go, this is my theme song. And he was like,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Write down ink bleeding on a napkin at a bar and then you go, I got that for something. Or do you go thematically, I want to write a song about what it's like to be named after a man. How does that work?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, I try to take my agenda out of it because I think everybody has an agenda and every time... If anybody's had an agenda, we don't, in my experience, we don't write a great song. When someone says, oh, somebody's looking for this, this, and that. Okay, we're screwed. Because we're already like, we got an agenda. Or someone's like, oh, I need an up-tempo show opener agenda.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I need this, I need that, I need that. It's I, I, I, I, I. That's perfect.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
That's perfect. You can't do that in comedy. Like comedy, your hour has to be of itself. Yeah. Like I said to myself, I wish I'd had a good beer drinking story in this last special. And I was like, but none of them have happened. I can't just force one because I want one. That's crazy. That's agenda.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I feel like agenda really gets in the way of great songwriting. And I really try to eliminate that component of it and really just let it be magic in the weirdest way. Because when I've... I've seen magic happen in these songwriting rooms. And I know every songwriter in Nashville that's been around long enough has as well.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And it's usually when you take the agenda out of the equation, something just happens. Like the song falls out of the sky that you had never written by yourself. You never would have planned it. You never, you know. So I'm real careful about, you know, leaving my agenda at the door. But sometimes... Some writers, you wanna bring in something, especially if I'm writing with another artist.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Sometimes the artist likes my, what I do. So they kind of have an expectation that you might bring some of yourself into that right. So sometimes I will do that very carefully and reluctantly, because it's their story. If we're writing for them, I wanna make sure they're leading the narrative. But sometimes they are looking for something from me. And usually that will be a poem.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I will have like a full poem written. And usually there's an idea, like a thesis statement around it. I don't really like to write titles. Like some people be like, I got this title called this. And I'm like, well, we could write that, but it might not be called that at the end of the day. It might be called something totally different, whatever. Like let's just call it an idea, not a title.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Because I've written so many ideas that we thought were the title. And then we go back and it's like, that's not the title at all. It's just like line three of verse two. So I would say take your agenda and manage your expectations by just eliminating them.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I want to go to a songwriting retreat so bad. And just listen and smoke weed and drink and just listen. And I was with... I've been with a couple songwriters, I'll just say. I've been with a couple songwriters and said things offhand, and they're like, yo, that's a good fucking song right there.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And when you hear that, there's no bigger bouquet of flowers you can ever get where you're like, for real? I was like, oh, yeah. But when I wrote music, and I know that this is not what anyone wants to hear, I couldn't get the... I couldn't get... I couldn't get the ick out of it. Like everyone was like, oh, like every time I wrote a song, they were like, oh, I can taste it. Like it's too much.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like it was like too much emotion. It was like too much. It was like,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Which is interesting because you're naturally a storyteller. And at least for country music, country music is almost always a story.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
That's an amazing story. You created an experience out of that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I had a song about jerking off in a cheeseburger. What? What was the song I wrote?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, that's why they couldn't get the ick out of their mouth. I thought it was personal. You yucked their yuck. It was personal.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It was personal that you jerked off in a cheeseburger?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Did you write one about shitting on a pizza box to win an election?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Great one right there. No wonder. You should write an album called I Just Yucked Your Yum.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I'm going to write an album called Menopause Ain't All It's Supposed To Be. Menopause Ain't Pausing Me. Do you remember songs about 54-year-old women who are getting after it in bed? Men are unpaused. All of a sudden turned into hot Puerto Rican chicks after a spray tan.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's because my ass just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Is it cheating if my wife gets a spray tan and I think of Puerto Rican women when we have sex?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, that's a great song. You're yucking my yum again.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. Sex will be a good rhyme at the end. Sex? Yeah. It checks a lot of boxes.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You're, you're, you're, you're a blessing. No, you're the blessing. You're the blessing. How many times you made people in this office cry? Your music is so fucking powerful and you, your ability to translate emotion. And, and I mean, you, you are really fucking special, man. Like you really are. And the thing that I think is so interesting is just how unique your path has been.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I want to ask about artists that are mainstream that I wonder when I... I mean, listen, I know you have your 2025 Son of Dad Tour, and I think everything's sold out. So technically, I hate to say it, but you're becoming- Well, that's amazing.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Thank you. Yeah, I think you've added shows in Kentucky and in Kansas, and so there's still tickets, Wichita and Glasgow, Glasgow, however you say it, and here. Glasgow, Kentucky. And, but- February 20th and April 12th. Wow. Yeah, I have a fucking crazy memory. Oh, man. Yeah. That and I have a thing right behind you. He has a teleprompter behind your head. Thank you, Bert.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I always wonder, is Taylor Swift really that good?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You're asking me? Yeah. Like as a writer, as an artist, as a performer.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Do you listen to her music and go like fucking back door, port store? What? I don't know.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I think she's a visionary. I think she's incredible. I think she's a force and she has, you know, created her own path. Yeah. and really done it you know the real way I hurt and managed to maintain it which is is one thing to have a career like that but to to keep it growing and and keep it evolving into what it is evolved into is I mean that's it's incredible it's
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Her early stuff, and I can say this because we listened to her throughout our children growing up. But her early stuff, when she was younger, was like undeniable.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, she still is. I think it's pretty incredible. That song, It's Me, I'm the Problem, It's Me, is such a prolific song because she's basically saying, I'm the problem. She doesn't have to say she's a problem. She's the superstar. It's me. Hi, I'm the problem. It's me. At tea time, everybody agrees I'm the problem. That's pretty cool that she can talk about herself that way.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
She's a very honest songwriter, and she's really honest with herself and honest with her fans. And I think that's really what makes a songwriter a songwriter is the honesty.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Who are your top five Hall of Fames? We know John Mellencamp's in there, your Hall of Fame.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Willie Nelson. I mean, that's a big one. I'd like to smoke weed with him.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You know what people don't know about Willie Nelson is that he was a songwriter in Nashville for years before he became famous.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And he really, I think, if I remember correctly, pivoted to Austin and in Texas is where he started performing live and building an audience with Merle Haggard would come in and play with him and Chris Christopherson would come in and play with him and he built an audience in Texas and then that's when he started getting famous.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Do you have a show in Austin? Do you have any shows in Austin this tour? We have the Two Step Inn Festival that we're playing. Um, But no, I got a show with Coe Wetzel, actually, here in a few days. In LA? 27th. No, in Austin. In Austin? Yeah. The 27th of this month? December, yeah. There might be some tickets still left.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
All my boys live in Austin, and I would love... I would love for them to see you guys. And Coe's a fucking legend. I love Coe. I love Austin. And you're releasing, when's Son of a Dad Deluxe album come out? January?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, it comes out in January. So yeah, it'll be soon. Yeah, we got a couple ones that are not on the record. A couple, I guess you'd call them new ones. And then we have quite a few acoustic ones that... We haven't.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Your journey has been. And I said this to you when we were hanging out last time. I was like, it almost feels like a prank. Like you're like Golden Gloves boxer. Did you get scared when you were boxing as a kid?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Why do you play, it's a classical guitar, correct? Yes, sir. Why do you play, why do you choose classical guitar?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Feels better in my hands. And they emote better. I can play them just sort of like a cello. I can get vibrato out of them that you can't get out of steel strings. I love the way a cello can kind of sound like a human voice, or at least it tries to. It kind of tries to cry like a human voice. The gut string, you can do a similar thing. It responds to it. It responds to the agitation.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
What kind of music do you listen to that people would never expect that you listen to? I'm a big 3-6 Mafia fan.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I listen to flamenco music like Paco de Lucia and Aldi Miola. And then there's this African band called Songhoi Blues that I'm obsessed with. S-O-N-G-H-O-I. Blues. They have an album called Optism. It's a blue record. You should go download it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yep. Optism. If that's how you pronounce it right. But Songhoi Blues is the band.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. S-O-N-G-H-O-I. One word. And then Blues.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Okay. Willie Nelson, John Mellencamp, Dolly Parton. Oh. Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash. Oh. And this is a tough one. I'm going to go Jesse Coulter. Jesse Coulter.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yes. Jesse Coulter's an amazing songwriter. She's incredible.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I'm Not Lisa? Come on. That's like one of the saddest songs I've ever heard in my life. Good Lord. Listen to I'm Not Lisa after this. I'm Not Lisa? Calm. Calm me later. I heard...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. Yeah, that was part of it. That's part of the training, though. You're supposed to feel scared.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Sturgill, we went to see Sturgill at the Greek and he said, He said, and I've met him personally. I'm not saying he's a sullen guy, but he was a pretty reserved individual. And he said, you know, the problem with this album is I didn't, my producer said there weren't any lighthearted songs on this album. And he goes, so I wrote a lighthearted song.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And it turns out to be my favorite song on the whole album. It's called Scooter Blues. And I was wondering, I was like, do you write, do you have any lighthearted, like fun, goofy songs? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I have a song on the record called Cuckoo and Billy. I feel like those are kind of, they're very biographical about me, but because they're very blue collar rooted and rural rooted. But I consider them kind of lighthearted. They're like making... I mean, Cuckoo is just like very much a blue collar, like losing your mind, working yourself to death kind of song, but in a fun sort of way.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
fear if you didn't there'd be something kind of wrong with you that's the most fear or the most pressure i've ever experienced was especially when i fought in the golden gloves because like i saw so many of my heroes and like my dad fighting the golden gloves as a little kid and it's just such a big it was such a prestigious kind of moment
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And Billy is, I mean, the hook is, you can call me Billy, but the hills come with me. Which is very much about like my, you know, I used to get called a hillbilly a lot by my associates and labs and whatnot. It was not a compliment. And it was... I am listening.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Mister, come sit with me. I got my ass whooped when I moved to Atlanta and all they called me was hillbilly. These three boys used to beat me up every day, second grade, third grade, fourth grade, and yell hillbilly. I used to tell them to my teachers and my teachers would say, you got to work it out. Well, I couldn't work it out. It was three boys. They'd follow me home from school.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
They'd climb up in a persimmon tree and throw persimmons at me and scream hillbilly. Hillbilly is a trigger for me. Also, because I was like, I'm not actually hillbilly or redneck, but that's very different.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
She very early in our relationship said, do not call anyone in my family or myself a hillbilly. We are rednecks. We are proud to be rednecks, but we are not hillbilly.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I didn't care for the term for a long time. because of that association. And it was usually derogatory and people were making fun of the way I talked. And so you can call me Billy, but the hills come with me. It's very much like we ate rabbits growing up. I ate a lot of squirrels growing up. I butchered my own deer. I still live that way.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I don't really wear the costume and I don't wear enough camo maybe, but I very much am that. And it does come with me everywhere I go. So that was kind of the attitude behind it, which is very lighthearted. It talks about kind of a lot of the Billy-isms.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's so funny how different we are. Because I had a friend tell me, Cody Rhodes was saying, I think it was a compliment. Yeah. When I met Burt, within three minutes, I knew everything I needed to know about Burt, and I knew every reason I wanted to know more about Burt. And he goes, Burt sold himself. He was telling Tommy.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
No, he passed away six years ago. And so I was very comfortable living in his shadow. Yeah. And so I was always a very quiet, nerdy kid. I had his eyes and his name, and that's about it. We were so different in so many other ways. And we actually had a lot of other similarities, but he worked on cars and... He hated school. And here I am like this little nerdy science kid.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He was like, he sold himself as a brand, as a comedian, in three minutes, so succinctly. He goes, I thought he should be a professional wrestler. And you are someone who so, so... You're a lot like Tom, in my opinion, but, like, very understated. Like, I mean, like, so you're not braggart. You're not, like, someone. You don't wear the costume. You just are authentically you.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And who you are is so fucking fascinating. But if I was you? No.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Do you know how I'd walk into a room? With three rabbits slung over your shoulder?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Golden glove prize fighting. Scientist just walked in with his guitar and I'm ready to fucking rock. Who wants some rabbit? Who wants a rabbit? I used to fucking cut deer up. You know, like I would love to be you. I would be so much fun to be you. Wait till you see if you come to the party tonight. Wait till you see how I introduce you to people. Oh, shit.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
pump the brakes his wife's name Leanne too don't call him a hillbilly anyway you can no you're just so fucking you're so cool man like I like I ain't shit seriously I really ain't I ain't but uh well authentic you are for sure cool or not you are very unique
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
What makes a great artist, I think, is their unique way of presenting issues that everybody can relate to. Everybody has... a lot of the stuff you talk about in your songs, but you present it in such a beautiful, authentic to you way that it really connects with people. That connects at a deep level for a lot of people, I think. You're a beautiful artist.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
But yeah, if life was a pressure cooker, like that was 11. And my dad, I think, wanted me to know that I could handle an 11. And because now, like when I step on stage at best, it's an eight.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I mean, the music and your voice and the lyrics is just, I'm getting emotional. It's just beautiful. It's beautiful to listen to. So that you share it with the world and it is amazing. It's a gift.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I'm glad you're not analyzing dog food. Thank you. Good job.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
How cool do you think it would have been to be his lab partner?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I had some cool ones. They were a lot cooler than me, actually.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I would love, I was when I met Leanne, my sister, Coddy, we were all sitting there and Leanne got us the table and then got the menus and said, I'll go up and order and you guys stay here. And she got up and walked away. And my sister, Coddy, goes, looks like you just found a great lab partner. I was like, what?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
She goes, remember in high school when you're like, I don't want to do any work this semester, but if I pair up with a good lab partner, they'll do all the work for me. I was like, yeah. She goes, you found a great lab partner. She was like, get her pregnant. I was like, really? She was like, no, do not let this one go. She's ordering for us. I bet she pays too. Wow. I love that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's a beautiful, a beautiful relationship you all have.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
um i would love for you to play if for oh yeah yeah i know everyone in our office has been waiting to run up last night they were like where where should we sit because we want to we don't want to stand we wouldn't mind to sit so like everyone the door is going to open in fucking five seconds and everyone's going to walk in to listen to you play all right let's go let's do it all right i'm gonna let you set up this this song um
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
whatever reason was able to resurrect my dad for a few minutes so let's see if we can get him in the room
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
So I can, you know, he just set a bar really high for me. And like I said, the fear was part of the training. If I didn't have the fear, I wouldn't have had the progress that I...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
i gleaned from it such a cool thing a dad can do is get you ready for pressure yeah it's so cool my dad when i was a kid when i was really young whenever the game was on the line he'd go this is where you excel buddy he's like this is you love the pressure you love it when i go on stage i go it's nothing Yeah. Nothing. I love this.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah! Wow. That was amazing. Thank you. It sounds like two guitars.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Will you play at my funeral? Just make a promise. I was going to have comics talk at my funeral, but I think I'm just going to have my favorite bands play at my funeral. I wish I was there. Hey, you know what? Let's hold a funeral, a pre-funeral for me so I can be there and see it. We'll do like a party.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
God damn it. That is such a powerful song. What was the, like, I've never heard that rendition of that before. What was that? Was that just you fucking around and going like, I want to, I don't know, like, so beautiful.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Man, that song has scared the hell out of me my whole childhood. I don't know why. It just always freaked me out.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I know. And I think that was my way of, it's an incredible song. It's like, you know, it's so simple yet so effective. And it always has haunted me. Like, that's the word I would use, haunt. It haunted me. And I think my way of dealing with its mystery was trying to unpack it and re-approach it and
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
like decipher it um and or deconstruct it maybe and then reconstruct it back again and honestly i was just playing that song in my living room for years just that way exactly that way for nobody and for no apparent reason um i didn't really realize it but i think that I was getting myself ready for something, I think. I think my dad's death, because I was playing that song before my dad had died.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And when he died, I played that song at this songwriter's festival a few weeks after. And I wasn't going to go to the festival because I was just in bad shape. And they asked me to play a cover at this festival at the end of it. And I went up there and played that song, Stand By Me.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I swear to God, I mean, I felt like... I've said this before, but my dad was like a three-year-old kid on my shoulders. And I was... like carrying them, which is so weird because it's supposed to be the other way around. And ever since that moment, I mean, that song kind of made itself very clear to me what I was supposed to be doing.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I remember I had a special where I bombed the, we have to shoot filming two shows. I bombed the first show. And as I'm getting ready, Leanne said to me, well, you know, you love the pressure. You love the pressure. This is where you, where you excel. And I killed that second show because he just put it in my head. Like the way your dad goes, this is, this is, this is the 11.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Back to the, you're not supposed to be doing this, or you're supposed to be doing this. It was like, now you know. Wow. Don't waste any time. Wow. Wow.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He did. Yeah. And we didn't really have time to prepare for it. And, you know, I would have been there. Of course, I was trying to get there and I didn't make it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
That wasn't the way it was supposed to go down. I think I was under the impression he was immortal. So I found out the hard way that he wasn't.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You just talking is going to make me cry. Jesus Christ. Man, I'm like, the way you perceive life and the way you process life is so real it's like and it's like the things that we're thinking of that we don't maybe know how to to iterate you're just a real special dude i said this i've sent this to a couple people there's a few people That are just so deep.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You know, Dave Chappelle is one of them. Dave Chappelle is just, just, he thinks like a smart person. Like, I know that sounds stupid as a stupid person saying this. He thinks like a brilliant man. Like he thinks and talks in brilliant ways.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
structure and you and him share the same fucking thing yeah I'm not in the same league as that dude that guy's he's on a everyone tag Chappelle so that he can hear this next song and everyone just send it to Dave Chappelle and then Dave Chappelle's gonna hear this and be like hey man why don't you come out to Yellow Springs and play at my fucking club
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Well, speaking of funerals, I played this song at my dad's funeral. It was my dad's favorite song of mine. And he told me that a few months before he died. I don't know why he told me that. He never told me anything like that. I don't even know what my dad's favorite song is.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Everything else in life is going to be an eight. Let's put you in the 11.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, I didn't know up until that moment either. I wonder what my dad's favorite joke of mine is. That's a non-verbal question I'm going to ask him. I like the one where you're going down on Leanne and she farted. That's my favorite one, Bert.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
When you said you almost shit my mouth. That one fire in the hole could have warned me.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You're the one crying. You know, I'm the one in the hurt locker.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I bet he liked that one. This one. I wasn't able to play for a long time. After his funeral, I didn't ever really want to play it again. So it's wild that I'm playing it now. And it's not released yet, but it's about to be. It's been crazy hearing people sing this song at shows.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's like a gift. It really was. And I think it was, you know, I think he knew I had a lot of heat coming my way and for some reason. And I think it was the only thing he knew to do with me because he knew I wasn't going to work on cars. He's like, I don't, he barely passed like general math. He can't help me with my calculus.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
If you were driving in your car, I'd pull over. You're going to start crying, and your eyes are going to get foggy. This is such an amazing song. You are such an amazing talent, but thank you for playing this. I appreciate it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I do this for my dad, and once I released that record, this one came back, and I'm really glad it did. Me too.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
everybody heard it I just I couldn't help it I'm moving my mic and I'm fucking oh no I just gotta focus it's not stupid it's a beautiful song it's very meaningful it's a very deep soulful song it makes perfect sense why you're crying just don't disrupt the artist it's okay thank you for that Bert that's a moment buddy that's a moment
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like, you know, it was just like, all I can do is teach him how to fight because really life is, is that it's just a fight. How many brothers, you have brothers? I have a brother and two sisters. Me and my brother are kind of Irish twins. We're like a year and four or five months apart. So we grew up pretty much the same size. So we were perfect sparring partners.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
that was beautiful that was beautiful boy doesn't it make you think of every song that means something to you all at once while you're singing the song that song that means something to you I thought of like four songs that were pivotal, important songs in my life while you're singing that song. That's beautiful. That makes you have multiple experiences at one time. That's a beautiful song.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
The line I love. I can't even talk about that song.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
The line I love was, I was there when you got, when you learned to drive. I was there when you got first high. I was even there when you found out she wasn't the one.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Ha, ha, ha. What song did you listen to when you found out she wasn't the one?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Back That Ass Up by Juvenile. I don't know. I don't know.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Was there a song when you found out she was the one?
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Leigh-Anne, don't do this. Don't do this. You know what she did? She told... She played... There was a song that I listened to that I...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
that defined how i felt about her and how i felt in the situation when when we had taken a break from dating and i gave her a mixed tape and i left it on her on her windshield and she listened to the song and the song was beautiful song it's it's by coldplay i'm not gonna tell you the name of the song i don't want everyone to play it when they see me and it to be this thing that i cry non-stop about
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
My brother was an incredible boxer. Like he actually had so much more natural talent than me. And so we started, like my first fight was with my brother. First like sanctioned fight in a ring. We did an exhibition fight with each other. And our, actually our last fight was with each other.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
this motherfucker played it in the car with my daughters. And she's like, this is the song dad said that he needed me to hear so that he knew how I felt about him. And I'm in the back, we're driving Georgia to college. I go, what are you doing? And I start crying. My daughters start mocking me and taking, they're like, look at baby Walrus. He's crying. Oh, that is.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I played it recently in the kitchen and he cried again. He cries every time he hears that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I cry every time I hear it. Does it fix you? No, it's.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's a great song. That was a beautiful song. That's such a great goddamn song, man.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I... One time, there was a song I just told the drummer for 21 Pilots' story. There was a song 21 Pilots had called... What is that? Anyway. And I would hear it, and I listened to it at a time I was going through... Uh, anxiety and OCD and I guess depressing, but it was more OCD and anxiety and I couldn't stop hearing it. And it was making me sad thinking that I was away from my family.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I was doing the wrong thing. The same thing you said where that, that, that call was like, this is the, you're doing the wrong thing. And I was, I was doing something stupid for travel channel. And I just, and the song depressed me. And then one day we were in Arizona and I was with my family and I was doing standup. I was doing the right thing. And a song come on, came on the radio.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I said to Georgia, I can't listen to this song. It depresses me. She goes, it's a great song.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I care what you think that line kills me. And I care what you think. Cause I do care what people think. Um,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
remember the good old times and i just and it was like it was it would make me so sad and georgia goes hey you can change that if you want and i said what she goes why ruin a great song she goes why don't we listen to it and then think about me and think about today and we're going to a trampoline park and i was like okay and now i love that song and now i do that with songs i i
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I can tether them to a moment in my life and have that song. And I just listened to it on repeat. The last one I did it was, was Jerry cinnamon. Uh, and then when I just fucking, I got, I was like, dude, this is great. And now I listen to that song and it cheers me up. And now I'm doing it with the third 315 pound bench. I just keep listening and visualizing, uh,
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I hear jump around by, by house of pain. And I just visualize me getting it done. And I'm like, and it's music is so powerful. Arnold Schwarzenegger told me that you just got to visualize it. And I'm doing, I can visualize it with music.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I love that you, you moved the bookmark. Yeah. Like it was on a sad chapter and you moved it like later in the book to a better, like a chapter that, You move the bookmark. I feel like that's what music does. It bookmarks all these chapters in our life. So when you hear it, if your life was like a 200,000 page book, if you wanted to go back to that memory, you would really need a good bookmark.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
We, we fought each other in the father, son music video and we beat the shit out of each other for like four rounds. It was, it was a good fun.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It would take you hours to sift through the pages and find it. You know, like music just goes right to the sentence, not just the page.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
What's really why I'm so lucky is I get to be friends, become friends with you guys. And so now I have these really cool moments of like my favorite artists. And I'm just, I am so, I think it's the older I get, the more I am tethered to really realizing how finite life is and how these brilliant moments you get in life and how important they are.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's gratitude. I think I cry out of gratitude, not out of sadness, out of gratitude.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
and uh and awe and humility and i'm so grateful i'm so grateful buddy i'm so grateful that when i dm'd you you dm me right back you're like i'm in europe i would absolutely love to do your podcast and then and then we got that great moment in nashville and we got to hang and i got to get to know you and then i got to do a podcast with you and really deep dive with my wife everything that makes you such a unique artist
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Uh, but yeah, like that's, you know, me and we had a barn and my dad built a ring in the barn and he'd just take us out there and just, we'd get work and we'd beat the hell out of each other and then go eat dinner and hope it wasn't salty cause it was going to hurt. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
person man son everything about you i'm so blessed to get these opportunities same here i'm i'm very very grateful for you all thank you for giving me this opportunity and of course and just reaching out and being who you are and taking the chances y'all have taken i hope you know that you all have done great things and You haven't done what's easy and what's planned.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
To get to where you've gotten, you've had to take great risks.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I'm like your dad. I'm a dream chaser. I like it. I'm a dream chaser. I love it. I'm never going to stop hearing that.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a unicorn. You're the unicorn. I got lost on that lyric.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
If this was Avatar, you would be that creature that you have to get on. Yeah. She's like intertwining her hair with your DNA. He got me. And you guys are, you know, yeah.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Can I tell you what's driving me nuts about this moment? Is we're having this great moment and Leanne's chewing gum like she's Pinky Tuscadero over there. Like she's like...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
What do you think? I'd be happy to. What do y'all want to hear? Anything.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
No, no, anything. I don't care. Anything. Anything. Whatever you want to play, I want to hear. I don't care. Dealer's choice. And another beer, please.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You want to hear something like Little Country? Yeah. Let's do Cuckoo. Screw it. It's going to be fine.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Oh, wow. You think in lyrics. I hope it wasn't salty because it would hurt. That's a small detail where you're like, I love small details.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, there was something about that. I would see Nick take a bite. My brother's name is Nicholas. And I'd see him take a bite of mashed potatoes or something. He went and said, I got you, dude. You're hurting because I hurt you. Gosh. Yeah. It was really a beautiful thing. I love my brother so much and the feeling is mutual. Like there was just so much love in that. It's really hard to explain.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
You're so good at like a great comic can control the silence. And you're so good when you slow things down and you go quiet. It draws me in like you have like nothing. Like nothing. God damn it. You're so fucking good.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
God, you're fucking good. Jesus. Thank you. Thank you, Bert. I'm not that good at stand-up. Jesus. I feel like I got to get on stage. I literally was watching him going like, I'm not working hard enough. I got to focus. I got to do something good. Whatever, man. Cheers, brother. This was an honor and a fucking privilege to have you here. This is an honor and a fucking privilege.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And I am so blessed that for whatever small fan base we may have as comics that I get to share your talent with them. And there is someone right now, right now. And this is where I'm where my gratitude lands going, dude, who the fuck is this guy? There is one guy. He drives a forklift. I know this guy and he's sitting with this in his head and he's like it right.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
He's, he's already stopped listening. He's over buying your new album and it's out right now, guys. It's out right now. His name is Gary. how crazy of his name is, Gary. He's like, shut the fuck up! Hey, Gary. Just all I need you to know, all I want, this is, we're going to post this in the comments, just... Just share some love. Tell everyone. Share this with your friends, with your family.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Play these songs for you. This is what I did. This is what I did. I took three-year clips from that printing house, and I shared it with this whole group. I shared it with everyone. I shared it with everyone. And I was like, this guy's a bad motherfucker. Thank you. And I just hope that happens for you more. I hope it in...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I hope that life becomes so difficult for you because you're so successful that you call me up and you're like, how am I supposed to navigate this? I hope that it's like, I hope that you don't return my calls. I hope that I'm in the nosebleeds at your shows, that I'm telling you everything. I want everything in the world for you because you are such a unique talent.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Thank you, Bert. Thank you so much again. Cheers. Cheers. For just your time. No. And your reverence and just putting your energy into other artists and just supporting them. That is, you know, it's a crazy world and your benevolence is to be revered. I can't do this for comedy because I'm the best one doing it.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It's hard at the top. No, listen, I swear to God. Listen, I swear to God when I say this, and I'm just being very honest. I had a lot of my friends that are really huge comics. I had them on when they were young comics, and I had them on my podcast.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And on Fully Loaded. And for me, the gift, it's better to give a gift than receive a gift. And it's cool selling tickets. But what's even cooler is, is when you have moments like where you put your friends on and people go, who's that guy? When you, when, uh, When Georgia saw Shane Gillis for the first time.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And sparring my dad, one of the hardest I've ever been hit in my life is by my dad. Not like in a boxing ring with gloves on, with headgear on. Like I lost time for a few seconds just from a jab when I was a teenager. I just remember like, wow, that's what it's like to get hit by a man.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Three years ago. Four years ago, I think it was. Three summers ago. Three summers ago. And he hadn't popped. And she just put her hand to her mouth and she goes, is he allowed to say that? And I said, yeah, baby, that's, yeah. She goes, I mean, am I allowed to laugh? And I said, baby, that's what comedy is about. When I watched her watch Dave Attell, that's the joy for me.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
That is my joy, is watching... Other people enjoy new stuff. It's the coolest thing. It's the coolest thing you can do. Do you remember when you and your brother would find a band together and you'd share it back and forth? You go, oh, have you listened to this one? It's the coolest thing in the world that you can do. It's like introducing someone to weed. It's so fun.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And the fact that there is someone named Gary in a forklift listening to you going, I know what I'm driving home to tonight. I know what I'm going to drink a six-pack of beer on my porch to tonight. I know what I'm going to play for my wife when we drive on a long road trip. I know who I'm going to go see when he's in Wichita, Kansas in March, whatever. But real quick, your tour...
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
is pretty much sold out. You got two shows that are available.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, we have a show in Wichita, Kansas, and Glasgow, Kentucky.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Gary might be working. By the way, I'm working if it's Christmas Day. I'm working.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, what a great gift for Christmas, everybody. Brother. God bless you, man. You're fucking special. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you, Leanne. Much love to you all.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
So like he wanted me to know what it felt like to get hit by a man because I was about to be getting hit by men in a couple of years. And I did. When you start fighting men, that's when it gets real.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
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Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
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Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
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Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge, and I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. There was a saying my buddy Andy Sheftall said one time. It was right around the Iraq War, I think.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And the one thing that we really had in common was a love for boxing. I think I inherited his passion for it. And I just, I think I, he showed me passion really young. He showed me like risk taking. And cause he was like a 24 year old guy raising three kids. on his own and like creating his own boxing career. He had nobody nurturing that. I just saw this wild man doing this.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
It was right around when we maybe second Iraq War. I don't know, we were in college. He said every man needs to get his dick knocked in the dirt once.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Because really that humility. He said the problem with Saddam Hussein, he never got his ass kicked. Which maybe I imagine growing up in Iraq, you probably got your ass kicked once or twice. Yeah, you would think. You would think. Yeah. But Mussolini never got his ass kicked. Yeah. Mussolini was a fucking prick. Yeah. I'm listening to a documentary on him. He was a real prick.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, some people just never got a good ass beating. I mean, like from their parents or just from another, like the universe never corrected them and they just were allowed to go uncorrected. Do you follow boxing still? Very much, yeah.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Because there's a lot of boxing in it and it's an incredible sport. There's a lot. I mean, I feel like boxing is really having a moment within MMA, not just the crossover and all that's happening, but... You see fighters like Sean Strickland, he's won fights strictly with mostly just boxing. There is a lot of... There's a lot of boxing going on.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
And there's obviously a lot of jiu-jitsu and judo and especially Muay Thai. But we're seeing a lot of boxing for sure.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah. You know, it's every time I've ever hung out with fighters, there is a calmness about them. And there's a sweetness to them. And there's a directness. It's really an interesting human. Rogan's a perfect example of this, is... there's, they're the last person to get in a fight. They're the last person to look for a fight or instigate a fight. They're calm as shit. And they're very centered.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Like it's like every one of these guys I know. And like you said, the power of a man who knows how to use his hands is very different than the average guy.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, it really is. And like you, like you said, I mean, fighters are very gentle spirits, at least the dangerous ones are. Yeah. Um, So, yeah, I've always found like even their handshakes are firm, but they're not overly firm. There's a peacefulness about them and a real sweetness about them. And I go to boxing gyms a lot just to hang out with them.
Bertcast
# 656 - Stephen Wilson Jr. is a Dream Chaser
Yeah, a good bit. I got busted knuckles the other day. But yeah, the... Harlan Howard, a legendary songwriter from Nashville, he used to say, I'm going to go check my traps when he didn't have song ideas. He'd have these little spots he would go to and just try to kick over a stone and see if there was something underneath it. And my gym is one of my very productive traps.
Bertcast
# 673 - Jessica Kirson Is the Man
Right now I'm talking to I'm talking in Vietnamese for Mr. Burt and Mrs. Jessica.
Bertcast
# 673 - Jessica Kirson Is the Man
We can do it. We did it. Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
This show is sponsored by Cigars International. Cigars International is the ultimate destination for premium handmade cigars. Known as the industry leader, Cigars International offers the largest selection, unbeatable prices, and a customer service experience that is second to none.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Remember, head to zbiotics.com slash BirdCast and use code BirdCast at checkout for 15% off. But here's what killed me is... So then I listened to this podcast. I don't know how I got sent it. It's called All In. It's four tech guys and three tech, four tech guys that are like they are angel investors. They're really smart.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
They're not really politically associated with any leaning, but they're really smart and they're tech. And for them, it's all about the logic. Just logic.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And one guy goes, hang on, this woman, Kristen, whatever, running LA, the fire chief, they go, she's like fucking legit. Like for her job, what she does, she's not, she's the, she runs the fire department. She lit up Karen Bass and she like scored in the top out of 1800 people. She had one of the top 16 scores. Like she's apparently everybody who applied for that job. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And she apparently earned the position. But what happens to me is that all that gets lost in the clickbait narrative of outrage. And I said to myself, I'm offline because I don't know. Like, I was really excited to talk to you because I know you're someone who pays attention to what really is happening. You're not someone that gets outraged by the left, outraged by the right.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I love Shannon Sharp. I love Shannon Sharp. It's interesting that that man... I mean, like... If not ironic, that man gets paid to talk for a living when talking is probably his least, like, thing he's good at. He's the least on a skill set. He just sounds like, it's like if Mike Tyson had a talk show, you'd be like.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
That shit sound pretty solid. Buddy, I've been a long time believer. Just wait. AIDS was created by the government to kill homosexuals and black people. I've been thinking this for a very long time.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
It's... It's plausible. I got fucked up in Atlanta with people from the CDC. And I said, what do you guys do on stage? And they said, we work for the CDC. And I went off on my AIDS theory. I really, honestly, completely believed it. You just did AIDS crowd work? I did AIDS crowd work. This was before crowd work was, you put it on YouTube and get fucking a million views.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
This was back when crowd work would get you in trouble and you'd just get fired. Yeah. and not go viral. And this woman, this woman at the CDC said, do you know what we call a straight white man with AIDS? And I said, what? She goes, a liar. Wow. She worked for the CDC. And I went, oh, fuck. You can't tell me. See, I'm not intelligent enough to sift out information.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I'm fucking... Man, what is it the itch to like... There is an itch when you see Alex Jones losing his mind about gay frogs or something.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Joe, I'll tell you right now. Joe Rogan be whispering that shit. Wow, so the aliens did that? Joe's a guy that does a ton of research. Like he does, like when the fucking vaccines came out. Joe was doing so much sidebar research that I was like, and I didn't. I just didn't. I just, whatever the government said, I did. I did it. I remember Joe being like, I wouldn't do it.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
But I was like, I don't know, man. I don't know. I trust government. And now I look back and I go, I got COVID like eight times. What did that accomplish? The vaccine didn't do anything. I don't think it did anything. And then I had this card that's had a date from 2021 on it that I used... It was like, oh, you're safe now. I got it once.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And it's so fucked up that the government mandated us to get a vaccine in order to get into certain establishments. That is wild. So to think that that and I got it. I got it from Ari. The second the fucking fire started, Ari sent me. This is who started it. And this is day one. And then I start hearing about this EP and G or whatever the P and G, whatever it is. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Do you know I'm just going to use that information at the most inopportune time? Like, you know, like I just like I had a joke. I had a joke one time that I was like, I should not be allowed to talk to black people. Because I always fuck it up by trying to relate.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And you know I'm going to be talking to some NFL guy at the fucking Super Bowl going, man, I bet you wish you could have milkshakes, huh? And he's like, huh? I was like, you know, where you grew up, you couldn't have milkshakes.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Do you feel like it's like a shitty thing to go out and do, entertain on Kimmel while people are fighting fires?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I knew that. I knew that. I knew that they all came out of Sierra Leone or something.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I don't really watch any of the, like, this sounds horrible, but like any of those Morris Chestnut movies where they like jump the broom or something.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
That's good shit. I need my black movies to be like a little exploitive. Like I need like Baby Boy was like one of my favorite. It's a black pain. Belly. I need it to be the thing. I need it to be stereotypical.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I need a black director who knows good colors on black skin. Belly's one of my favorite fucking movies ever. Belly's like the fucking sexiest movie.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I just saw a big one about the moon landing where it was Neil Armstrong saying it never happened. Neil Armstrong himself? Is he the first person? Oh, was it Buzz Aldrin? Buzz Aldrin. Buzz Aldrin was talking about it never happened. I think he was now called.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Maybe. I met him. He was a dick. I could imagine. I met him doing radio and I was buzzed. Were you disappointed? No. I don't care. It's so funny. I just care about the celebrities that matter to me. Like, Snoop was a celebrity I wanted to like me. Like, I love Snoop. I love Snoop. Shaq? Love Shaq. Love Shaq. Bradley Cooper, I'm a fucking huge fan. Like, you did Fletch with Jon Hamm.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I'm a big fan of Jon Hamm. I think Jon Hamm's fucking... He's cool. I think he's a cool fucking dude. He's a big comedy fan, too. He probably knows you. No, I doubt that. But... But, like, politicians don't care. But, you know, I'm really trying to change that about myself is that I really don't like that I'm 52 and I don't really follow politics at all.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Like, I was talking to my agent the other day. We were in Vegas. He came to our table. I was sitting with my old bus driver, Ron, who grew up in Compton, and my assistant, Pete, and we were talking about sneakers and watches. I'm really passionate about the two. Then my agent comes up and he's like, what about these fires? We hadn't talked about the fires once.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
He was explaining I kind of just had a little bit of a broad overview of how tragic this was. I don't think I really got into the weeds on just how life-changing this is for everyone who lost their home. They're not going to be able to rebuild. They won't break ground for three years. They won't. They're going to have to rent. And now there's price gouging.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Everyone who's renting an apartment is price gouging. And then it's all coming out of the insurance companies.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And they had just dropped them six months ago. And this is like... And by the way, this is all stuff that I didn't know or would never have learned. And then also there's a cap, like $4 million on these houses. So in the Palisades, sounds like a lot. Those Palisades houses were, I think $4 million is probably the average house out there.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And then we have a buddy whose house didn't get burned down. And I was like, good for him. My agent's like, no, he can't move back into that house. They're going to have to tear it down. It's been covered in carcinogens. They've thrown chemicals all over it. You can't live in that house. And I was like, what? And he's like, he can't even go back in that house to get stuff out of that house.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
He should have. And now his insurance isn't going to cover that. And I was like, man. I don't know if it's... I don't know what the word of what I am is, but it's like I don't think... Sometimes I don't think globally. I just go like, I just got a real cool pair. I was like, I like Jordans. I just got into these Jordans. Like that's where my brain is. I like these shoes.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I was always like, oh man, I've never worn them with black pants. I bet that was a good, that looks good. That's where my brain is.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Missing out on a show that everyone's talking about is actually not an option for me. I constantly sign up for streaming services that I've got to be honest with you. A few months later, I realized I'm still paying for it and I've stopped watching the show. I'm not going to say which ones, but trust me, it happens often.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And I just wanted to make Peter and Blake kiss in a picture and then show it to them. It made me laugh. But let me tell you something. Thanks to Rocket Money, I won't be paying for that for the next five years just because I wanted one joke out of it. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash Burtcast today.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
That's rocketmoney.com slash Burtcast. rocketmoney.com slash Burtcast. Have you ever felt what it's like to be loved by the Lord? That's what nicotine feels like. These Lucys are the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth. And trust me, buddy, I've put a lot of things in my mouth. The first time I ever took one, I was with Bustin' with the Boys at the Beer Olympics.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And I will tell you, it is such a phenomenal feeling. I feel like you think quicker, you think sharper, you talk better. I would put one of these in my mouth before I go on stage when I was on tour. I swear by them. I'm telling you right now, they are pure nicotine. Nicotine, 100% pure nicotine and always tobacco free. That's what's so important to me.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Again, that's Lucy.co and use code BirdCast to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
If my one job is that, ultimately, I know that sounds so fucking silly and maybe even narcissistic, but my one job is... aside from, you know, giving back to the community and helping donate a wall, you know, shit, I get that.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
But like, is that when they get done and they get a break and this firefighter seen tragedy all day, he puts on Netflix and he sees my special and he goes, Oh, I can watch this and fucking, I don't have to think about all the shit I saw today. That's it.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Then you got the documentaries. Then they're like, those towers don't go down on their own. Metal melts at 600 degrees.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Can I tell you what's crazy about that? I can talk about sports when I was a child. But we were doing the NFL for the Netflix thing. And they were like, are you a Steelers fan? And I was like, no, I'm a Bucs fan. And they're like, do you know anything about Steelers? I was like, of course, yeah. I know a lot about Steelers. And they're like... who's your favorite player?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And I was like, well, I remember when I was a fan, and I named off almost the entire fucking lineup of the era where the Steelers were winning every fucking Super Bowl. The Steel Curtain era? Yeah, I remembered all of it. And it was like crazy. But if you ask me, to do it from 10 years ago, I have no recollection. My childhood, I had a dream the other day. I had a dream last night. Last night.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
jerry jones's uh hotel room and he had brought in a bunch of girls and he said okay he goes he had a bunch of girls and he said hey we're gonna have uh an orgy and i said great and he brought in kareem abdul-jabbar now in in hindsight i think it should have been jerry bus but i don't really but and so and then magic johnson came in i was like i don't know if i want to be in this orgy anymore and i said already fuck these hoes enjoy yourself and i said who's next kurt rambis and i i
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I have not thought about Kurt Rambis in so long. I woke up this morning and I went, can you believe my brain remembered Kurt Rambis? My brain remembered asleep. Sound asleep. I said in my brain, who's next? Kurt Rambis.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I would love to wipe it out. I would love to wipe it. I can't remember. I'm with my bus driver. My bus driver and I were really close for a very long time. And then we had to part ways. And we had to part ways because we were too close. And to be honest with you, we were too close of friends. And so it made working complicated. And... He would say something, I have no memory of touring at all.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Because it's all so similar, I kind of don't remember. They're like, do you remember when we went to this one restaurant? And I'm like, yeah. I say that so often. People are like, do you remember the time? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't remember those the way I should. But I remember things from my childhood that I go, I don't need that. That's a bad one. I wish I could clean it out.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
The way you clean out your phone, I wish I could just clean out memories like that.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I said to my assistant the other day, we were working out and I said, he asked me,
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
hans who's uh who is the pitcher there was a pitcher from like the fucking 13s or like of like the turn of the century um and i and i i was like oh he was a fucking gangster and he's like how do you know who that is and i was like how do you not know who he is honus wagner honus wagner honus wagner honus wagner it was on netflix they were they had a honus wagner card and a babe ruth card and i went those would be valuable and he'd be like who wants a honus wagner card i was like
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I've never met a rude hockey player. I've met a lot of hockey players. I've never met a rude hockey player. They're always like... Here's the other thing, though, and tell me if you notice this. I think it's also... Like the fact that casually now we're just older than them. So like they look at us like, oh man, like you're like almost like we're grown up because they're still kids. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I used to go on the road and stop at fire stations to eat because they were the best food ever. There's one in San Jose. There's one in San Jose that made the best orange sauce I've ever had in my life. They sent me the recipe and I made it. This guy was like a legit chef.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Every football player I've ever met has been cool as fuck. I've never really run into any dicks in sports. In sports, I've never run into a dick. But I bet Pete Rose still looks at you like as a kid, which is weird. That sucks. I don't think I ever met Pete Rose, although I feel like I did at a casino one time. I feel like he was signing.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
and he was like you know sitting on the table just waiting for people to come and sign shit looks sad when i saw him doing that at caesar's down in that mall to see someone with the autograph table and there's no line for the autographs fucking fuck man i think reminds me of being an open reminds me of doing the road early when you sit with your cds yeah and people just walk past you like hey take care sitting at the good time
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
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Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
A plethora of pigs is called a sounder? That's what I heard. How did I not learn that in college when we talked about fat checks?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Dude, I saw. I want to go on a hunt. Dude, let's go with Rogan. I think I'm ready to shoot a feral hog. I don't know what Rogan yet.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
No, no, no. He's all about bow hunting. I just got a bow from Cam Hayes.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Getting a helicopter with fucking night vision goggles. That too. They chop them up. They ask me how I shoot women and children. I just don't lead them that much.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
We went, we did this in Hawaii, but we did it with, we did it with dogs or the dogs chased down the feral hogs. And then hold them down. And then you come in to stab the hog in the heart. That was terrifying.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
So I... So usually, like my Pornhub search engine usually lands on the same kind of stuff, right? Okay. And then randomly, and I don't know what happened. Randomly, I got on the feed. It was just sounding. Do you know what sounding is? No. It is. And I only know this because it was offered to me one time when I was a dominatrix gimp for Hurtbert. It is where they put...
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
steel rods in your urethra and all the feed was sounding and i was like wait what did i do i couldn't figure out why for no reason at all everything pornhub was suggesting was just women putting steel rods in dudes cocks and then jerking them off and i was like it's like a stint to like i
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. And then they, and there's different size rods because the theory, I mean, the joke is each rod makes a different, makes you make a different sound. I can't imagine that it's, they're playing them like instruments. Like, I don't know if it feels good. I don't know why they do it, but it's all that my fucking feed was.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
No, they put it in, and then they leave it there, and then they jerk them off. Type in, type in, Pornhub.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I've been sounding. Skip at it in four seconds. Don't hit it now because you'll go straight to the ad. Not that I've been on this site before.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I think they lube the rod. I can't imagine it's pleasurable. I think it has to do with torture. I think that it's guys that want to be dominated. I think it's specifically a white guy adventure. I don't think you'll ever see a black dude get sounded. As a matter of fact, in all of the feeds I've seen, I love that we're waiting and we're watching these. The ads are pretty aggressive.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Have you ever thought about putting your ads for your special Lonely Flowers, January 17th? on Pornhub, because that's what the whole special is about, is how people would rather be alone, and Pornhub is where alone people go.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Do you remember, do you remember, here, let's see the sounding real quick so we know what this is.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I don't know. I don't know. Okay, we're done. I think we got the whole point. But it's such a weird... It's like, you know, when you look at dominatrix stuff... It's straight up white people stuff.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
It's amazing. It's amazing. If you type in slave on YouTube, all you'll see is white dudes. White dudes who look like computer programmers and like a latex mask tied up.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
There's one called the womanizer that Nikki Glaser swears by. And it's like, it's, you can't, a guy can't compete with it. You can get, you ready for this? You can get, I went on the site the other day. I wish I had saved the site. You can get a,
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
fully like a a full robotic woman like a like a sex doll woman you can pick her hair color her eye color her boob size her butt size you can have a vibrator in her vagina and in her mouth and in her asshole and and type in and you can customize the mold everything and and it's three thousand dollars and then you get a person that's just like this
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
in your house and you watch, I saw the thing, an ad, there was an ad on YouTube or on Instagram for them. I went to the site, I built my check. It was $3,400. She looked just like my wife. I was like, going to creep my wife out, buy it and be like, for when you're not here.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And, but, but, and then I was like, wait, there's gotta be, you know, that there's gotta be porn hub of a dude fucking his sex doll. And then you watched it. Dude's fucking sex dolls. And it's so creepy because they don't move. They're like this.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
It was the ventriloquist's dummy who would come and be like, oh, fuck off.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
So waitresses making eye contact with you like, what the fuck?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Isn't it crazy all the people you worked with that you would invest in? You would invest in because you didn't know any better.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I remember one guy being like, you know, I'm doing a run out in Minnesota. It's a good run. I've done it before. I should bring you to Open for me. And I remember being like, please, please, please. And now I'm so glad that never happened.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Yeah. I got pulled over in Macon, Georgia, and the cop took my license. And he goes, you don't get this back. And I went, huh? He was like, I'm taking it with me. And I was like, how do I get it back? He goes, come, you come back to Macon and get, and you fucking, he gave me like a warning, but he took my license.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Dude, that's a thread I've gotten on, especially on YouTube, is cops and people that are... I saw one that was crazy. You know what? Can I tell you what's even wilder? So there's a dude... I'm nervous to say this because I think it happened very recently. There is a guy in Palm Beach, maybe Fort Lauderdale, and he's out on his boat. He's a pastor.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
He's a venture capitalist for the Christian venture capitalist. He works really with his family. He's got another thing. And this cop pulls him over in a boat. And then they go, he's, they think he's drunk and on drugs. Guy's never had a drug or drink in his life. And it's one of these things where you can see that the, I think the cop made a judgment call initially and,
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
made a few judgment calls and then probably realized he was wrong halfway through, but he had already kind of like started the process. And now there's a contentiousness between the two of them and the family and the mom, the wife's filming it and the kids are crying. And this guy, the pastor, the VC Christian guy, he does have a creepy look on his face.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Like he does have a weird druggie look on his face like this. Right. And so I'm watching it. And then you get a little outraged at the injustice of the person getting arrested when they were on no drugs. They took him by the time they got him over to the car, to the cop car. The Ron DeSantos had called Jeb Bush called had called the chief officer. And so immediately the cops like I fucked up.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I fucked up. This is bad. This is going to be really bad. But now he's a little bit in his feelings of like, no, I'm doing my job right. I'm doing my job right. It's just a cop. It's a cop wielding his power a little weird. And then all the comments like, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. Tagged. Here he is. And I go and I click on it.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
We all stole clothes in Tallahassee. You could go into that mall and you could put on. I never stole because I have a real weird thing about like, I get really anxious about stuff like that. But my buddy, they would steal clothes out of that Burdine's or whatever it was. Yeah, Governor Square. In Governor Square Mall. All the time. Jeans, polos. They go in, try them on, and just walk out.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Those are good stories when you hear a cop do a solid like that.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I should be a cop for a day. I would be. I'm so the opposite. I think I'm the opposite of a cop. I want black people to like me.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
A cop is not the right occupation. I guess I have too much approval needing to be a cop. Start with firefighter then or EMT.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
So funny, today I thought to myself, I was like, what if I just went out and started like cleaning up debris on my block? Because there's so much shit from the winds. Knocked down trees. And then I got caught. And I was like, I was not caught in. I got caught up in the idea of like, there's a big tree that fell. And I was like, what can I make out of that?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Leanne went out Saturday and was like, I'm going to go volunteer. And she went to five, I think five or three, maybe three different places. And they're like, yeah, we have way too many volunteers. Can you please go home? Just stay in your house. And then one of the ones in Pasadena, they're like, yeah, we had to shut it down. No one's using it.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Because I don't think we're there yet with like, I think we're still, people are still like, yo, I'm on my friend's couch, like trying to figure shit out. I think, I'll tell you what, I don't remember my dad ever like donating anything to any, I don't remember tragedy when I was a kid, the way tragedies happen in these days.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
We were there in Iraq. The fires that we put out. I mean, we took heavy fire. By the way, I still... Five stories. Do you know how many times I've told a Brian Williams story where I just go, yeah, man, it was tough. We were close. When we were close to that one, they're like, you weren't even in the car. I go, I know, but I need you to feel what I felt. I was scared.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Seems like the prettiest houses are the most dangerous ones to live in.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
You know, like you look at Tampa, all the people have beautiful houses on the water. All down Bayshore, Bayshore flooded, houses destroyed. All on Davis Island, houses destroyed. And then you look at the Palisades and Malibu, fucking all destroyed. Like, it's just... I loved the hills. And I remember when I was like, we should live in the hills. And Leanne was like, one way in, one way out.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I'm not doing that shit. She was right. And I was like, what? She's like, one way in, one way out. I'm not doing it. There's a fire. You're fucked. Fires happen all the time. The prettiest places in the world are the most dangerous.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
They walked out of the strip club just before the Coke showed up. Yeah. They walked out clean. They're like, no, we had a good time. We're going home. We're going to get a nice night.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
You got the new show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Have I got news for you? Yeah, Amber Ruffin's one of the team captains.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I got to check out your new special Lonely Flowers premieres Friday, January 17th on Hulu. Yes. Dude, congratulations. I love you to death. And honestly, I could not have had... I literally woke up on the tour bus yesterday coming back into LA and I was like... And I was like going through this crisis of like, why don't I, why am I not informed?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I was like, and then I was like, I looked at my calendar. I was like, dude, I'm, I could not be happier. This has been a great time, man.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I went to their site, and I'm a ring gauge guy, and I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge, and I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. What's up, everybody?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
That's why you don't sign up for the LAFD site. Leanne goes, I'm getting on top of it. She's very civic minded. She goes, I'm not even the watch duty. That's one. But I'm going LAFD. And then all of a sudden, she's like, holy shit, there's five fires. And I go, yeah, there's also fires. There's also like the regular shit. There's regular fires all the time.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
There's a hundred. I mean, here's where conspiracy theory, this is what, so I had a little come to Jesus the other day. I'm on the bus and I'm in a group without, I have a diverse group of friends, but they all believe in like, they're all kind of down one path, right? They're all down the path of like, The text I get sent, did you see this trans kickboxer beat the fuck out of this woman?
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I've got some shows coming up. February 8th in New Orleans at the UNO Lakefront Arena for the big game. That's Saturday night, not Sunday night. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil and huge surprise guests. Then in Vegas in March, 21st and 22nd at Resorts World Theater. And finally, oh, Canada. I'm coming to you. Winnipeg, Halifax, Calgary, and Vancouver.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
We got to stop this. Did you see this? The big one I got was look at the lesbians that are running the fire station. This is what's wrong with our country.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
That woman fucked up. That was the dumbest thing. Well, listen, I just would say to your husband, he got himself into the wrong place.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Try really hard. I saw something online where it showed, I sent it to my mom, how to get a man off the ground. If you're not strong, you like lay next to them, slide their leg over you roll. Oh yeah. I saw that. But, uh, but here's the thing that bums me out. So I, I get these texts and like my, let's just, let's just call them my friends, Tom Segura. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
I get these texts about the three lesbian firefighters and I do what most of America does. I see that and I go, God damn it. I want, I want a grizzled motherfucker. I want a guy who fucking curses in a press conference. I want a fucking, I want a Mexican guy. Really? I really want a Mexican dude over a big white guy over. Yeah. Mexican, Mexican firefighters are the best.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
But I want a motherfucker like you. I want someone like me that couldn't go to college, not smart enough to go to college, not smart enough to start a landscaping business, but he's smart enough to put out a fire. Yeah, I want I want a dude. I want a dude who kicks the door and says it's going to be OK. And you believe him.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
When we first had kids, I remember thinking it can't get any worse traveling with children. Then I travel with children to go skiing. Trust me, that is the worst. You got to travel with, I travel with my snowboard, my boots, my helmets, my gear. It's such a pain in the ass.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And especially if you want to make a couple trips, like Thanksgiving, you go home to see your family and then you guys want to tag on a ski trip. Dude. Thank God we have ShipSkis. You can now skip airport stress and costly airline fees with complimentary insurance, real-time tracking, dedicated support, and on-time delivery. ShipSkis takes your skis and sends it to your location
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
for you, where you meet up with your skis and boom, you're done. Just schedule your shipment, attach your label, and ShipSkis handles the rest, delivering your gear directly to your destination. And if I'm not mistaken, ShipSkis ships to 180 countries for hassle-free, gear-free journeys. I'll tell you right now.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Shipskis is offering our listeners 20% off your first shipment when you go to shipskis.com and use code BIRDCAST. Go to shipskis.com and use code BIRDCAST to get 20% off your first shipment and save yourself the hassle this ski season. That is S-H-I-P-S-K-I-S.com and make sure to use code BIRDCAST so that they know that I sent you. Dude, I have to tell you this game-changing product that I use...
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
Every night when I go out to drink, it's called pre-alcohol. Z-Biotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into toxic byproducts in your gut. It's this byproduct, not dehydration.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
It's me, Whitney Cummings, Miss Pat, and Derek Stroop. Go to purrpurrpurr.com for all of them.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
It is this byproduct that is to blame for your next rough day. The pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break down the byproduct. So while you sleep, you feel awesome. Just remember, this is all you got to do. Make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night. Drink responsibly. right? Like we all do. And you will feel your best tomorrow. I did it all through the holidays. Now it's like a go-to.
Bertcast
# 660 - Roy Wood Jr’s Ride-Along
And I have to also say my bathroom sessions the next morning are Go to zbiotics.com slash BirdCast to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use BirdCast at checkout. That's zbiotics, and it's backed with 100% money-back guarantee. So if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they're going to refund your money, no questions asked.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
The world is better when people are healthy and happy. And that stigma shows up everywhere. Don't think it's just your friends at the bar. A lot of times it can be parents. It can be brothers or sisters. It can even be the person you're dating because they don't want to be called out on their crap. Trust me when I say therapy helps.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
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Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
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Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
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Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
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Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
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Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Hey, Peter, are you done rolling that joint? Oh, great. Send two over.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's called My So-Called Life. Really? I put up My So-Called Life. So in the beginning, when I first moved to New York to do stand-up, I met this dude. We got high. And he let me stay at his house. And he was like, hey, man, I hope this doesn't come out gay. Have you ever seen My So-Called Life? And I said, no. It's a coming-of-age story with Claire Danes. And... That guy was Jared Leto.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
He played... What was the name of his character? Damn, Jared Leto is hot. He played Jordan Catalano. And you thought he was a stud. Turns out he was stupid. He was just a fucking idiot who did, all he knew how to do was comb his hair back. And so it's, but that's the character you say. And I'm, you're, I'm, I 100% agree.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Don't worry about the... Do you have... Are we rolling? Is there phrases you say in America that don't translate? There's hundreds of those. Like... Like, can you bring back, like, a cool phrase from America, drop it in Estonian, and it's just as cool? No, that doesn't work. You don't have to wear those.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I've noticed. If I can go back, my favorite age, I'm actually, I take my favorite age of ever fucking women is right now. Menopausal fucking through the roof. A hundred percent. My favorite is 50 lands, 54. I've never had more fun having sex with anyone. I think I'm more comfortable. She's more comfortable. Yeah. I would never want to go back to 17.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's like the meal before a diet. Yeah, 100%. You're like, I'll fucking eat it all.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
sure boys do you was there did you have the guy so there's a there's a trope of uh like a stereotype of an american guy right and so like you had guys that were genuinely funny right and then you had like meatheads who everyone thought were funny but they were very hacky like they just did like a borat impression uh-huh and did they have that in estonia i mean i was pretty hacky myself
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
This is a weird segue question. I remember you were talking about your stepfather who had a drinking problem. But your stepfather grew up, you didn't grow up in communism at all.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Estonia is fascinating. I only know this because Robert Griffin Jr. III. You know who that is? RG3. He's a quarterback from America.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I just, I'm more low-key. Yeah, I do whatever the other guy's doing. But, like, if you said, like, that shit's fire. If you go back to Estonia, and you're... How do you say that in Estonian?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That was when I was a child. Yeah, I know. Exactly. Imagine how badass it was. I guess it was probably just as badass when you discovered it because we discovered it. Mr. T was like on WrestleMania. He was in Rocky III.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
You guys had medieval restaurants? Fuck yeah, dude. Or was it just a restaurant that happened to be medieval? Or was it like medieval times?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And that all drops at the same time. You guys must be like, David Hasselhoff, what is he doing now? And you're like, oh. Yeah, he's in Germany pissing himself or something. You know, he's like, he's like down bad. His daughter's filmed a meat and a cheeseburger. You ever see that? Yeah, it's one of those.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Because it's the internet. Fame has gotten almost boring. Dude, but here's how America was. David Hasselhoff was a TV star. Harrison Ford, a movie star. So there was a cachet that went along with like, Tom Selleck, TV star. TV star, yeah. But then you look at like, you know, Tom Cruise, movie star. And then when I got into the business, that started changing. Wow.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And you started seeing movie stars do television. And all of a sudden, things shifted. And now, from the shift I've seen in this business, now it's anyone's like, if I can get a job. I remember when movie stars and TV stars came in to do stand-up because they had to pay the bills.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's like you watch people like, I would say I'm me to, I said this in therapy the other day. I'm a stand-up comedian. That is all I am. I'm not a podcast. I happen to have podcasts, and I enjoy podcasts. I listen to podcasts, but I'm a stand-up comedian. That is number one, number one. You will never say, like, Podcaster Burt Kreischer.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That will never be my moniker because I'm not that good at it.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
like i'm not like like rogan's an amazing interview theo's amazing tim dylan doesn't need anyone there and he crushes it oh yeah yeah tony hinchcliffe stand-up comedian stand-up comedian for sure podcaster second never red band podcaster stand-up comedian exactly but even but even i think that's the misconception about joe dude he still hangs around and mics and goes off a bit he's a stand-up comedian in my opinion
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And that's like Joe Rogan. Joe's the only person I talked to about like writing. Like I was going to text him today because I just... I get on my phone too much. My wife said, this is a really... If you're a comic, this is brilliant. This is possibly the... Best writing tool I've ever come across. My wife this morning said, hey, you're getting on your phone too much. I think it's depressing you.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
She goes, set a time limit. And at the end of that time limit, like 10 minutes, whatever you're watching, you got to write a joke about it. And then you can get back online. But you can't just scroll. So I set a time limit for 10 minutes. And the first thing I came across was... And then, and it was a surfing video and then it shut off and I went and I got all my controls and I couldn't get on it.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I went, okay, let's write a joke about surfing. And then I was like, sat down and started writing. And then I wrote like literally 10 minutes of just a bunch of shit. And it started with surfing and how I follow things that I, I follow things so much and I become a quasi expert in them, but I've never done them.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Like when someone brings it up in a conversation, I'm like, oh yeah, Chip, who's like one of the thickest waves out there. And then I go, you surf? I go, I've taken a class once. Like MMA. I fucking, I was on a plane the other day and someone was talking a little loud and I said, easy, take this guy's back, choke him out. I've never taken a class in my fucking life, but I've seen so much M&A.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts and of course the mind-blowing production empire the band is known for and i am telling you i've seen that firsthand we saw them on tour the whole our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows and if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down check out burt cast number 623 they play acoustic i'm telling you zach
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
and I was like big screen small screen I was looking at I was one was pulling up was my Instagram pulling up all the I'm looking at motorcycles so I'm going through motorcycles custom builds and then the other one I'm researching Estonia
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Choosing work boots used to mean you had to sacrifice comfort for durability. If they felt good, that mean they didn't last. And if they lasted, well, they wrecked your feet. Brunt workwear finally ended that trade-off. Designing boots that withstand the toughest jobs, right there on your toe. and are comfortable as your favorite sneakers.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Founder Eric Garrard grew up blue collar and started Brunt after his friends in trades encouraged him to start a workwear brand that was really built for them. That's why all Brunt's products are named with the guys he grew up with. Whose are these? Marin. a new Marc Maron. This might be the most comfortable work boot on the planet.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
They're also deliver the real performance you need on the job, whether it's waterproof or a safety toe or a soft toe or pull on or lace up. They've got you covered. They're so confident these boots are going to blow you away that they even let you try them on the job risk-free. Let me tell you something. They're comfortable as crap. I throw these on and I look like I work for a living.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I'm being serious. I threw them on with a pair of jeans the other day and my wife's like, what are you doing? And I was like, I want people to think I'm a man. Brunt didn't just make durable work boots. They reinvented comfort for the hardest worker out there. For a limited time, our listeners get $10 off at Brunt by using code BERTKAST at checkout.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
If you need work boots that are comfortable, just head to bruntworkwear.com and use code BERTKAST and you are all set. After your purchase, they're going to go, yo, where did you hear about us? Dude, please support our show and tell them that BERT sent you. Guess who tried nicotine for the first time ever in her life? Leanne Kreischer. And it was a Lucy Breaker.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Because when she goes, I'm not in the mood, then I go, hold on. Yeah, exactly. That doesn't work for me.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I'm telling you right now, she wanted to feel sharper. And we were sitting over by the beach and I thought, you know what? See how this makes you feel. And all of a sudden, this woman was snapping off the conversation. If you've never tried nicotine, I'll just tell you from my perspective, it's awesome. And the thing about Lucy, it's 100% pure nicotine, always tobacco-free.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And their breakers are nicotine pouches with a... A little bit of an extra surprise. The pouches each hold like this little capsule that is inside it, like a little ball breaker, really, that can be broken to open and release a little extra flavor and hydration. It's almost like a second bite of energy. Set yourself up with a subscription.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That's the beautiful thing about Lucy is you can set yourself up with a subscription and then they're delivered straight to your door and you never have to wonder, I wonder if I have Lucy's floating around. You know they're showing up. Mint, wintergreen, mango, And the one Leanne tried was espresso. They also have apple ice, but Leanne tried espresso. She tried it with her coffee.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
We're on the beach. Let me tell you something. This one chatty Kathy. It is the beauty of these. I take them before I go on stage. I take them for during a podcast. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy.co slash broadcast and use promo code broadcast. Get 20% off your first order. Lucy also has a 30 day refund policy. If you change your mind again,
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That's lucy.co and use code BIRDCAST to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age. Every order is age-verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Do you go back to Estonia to do stand-up? Of course. I love it so much. For real? Is it how different is your act in America and in Estonia?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Give me a minute. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or I can just go angrily jerk off in the shower.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Bernie Mac? No, of course him, but the host. Steve Harvey?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Oh, Def Jam. I'm thinking of Kings of Comedy. Yeah, Martin Lawrence. Well, Kings of Comedy, of course, watched... 47 times.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
love a shower jerk um dude my it's my favorite part of the podcast with you and rogan was just his aversion to showering with dudes yeah i have you slapped dick buddy buddy i've slapped dick like like this my friend's dicks i mean i wouldn't do it if i'm not comfortable around you but we had a guy who's now a cardiologist i won't say his name shout out to
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Bernie Max, Bernie Max, I ain't afraid of you motherfuckers is the one of the best.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Well, I think that's the thing that people, I mean, I think every comic struggles with that too, is that I got to New York and I didn't have any dead hooker jokes. I didn't have any AIDS jokes.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
and i was like i didn't have a cab joke i didn't have a subway joke so the first thing i wrote was a subject subway joke yeah and then a cab joke dead hooker joke and then i was like okay my act sounds a lot like an amalgamation of everyone in the room and then i told one story about fighting a black guy. And it just had happened in high school.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And two comedians that I really respected, that one was like, hey, we should start a storytelling thing. And he was like, dude, you're a storyteller. Like, fuck the jokes.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I was like, really? He's like, that's a great... And no one was telling stories, like long-form stories at the time. And I was like, shit, but you still go, I don't want to be so different that... No one watches me. Oh, no, no.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
You don't want to be the old guy under a fucking bridge. Yeah. And I was like, I don't want to be like... I get up and everyone's like, oh, fuck. Here comes a story.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I remember when Louis C.K. had the dumbest joke about eat a bag of dicks. And I just went... I was like, you can still talk like that? I thought once you got to a certain level, I thought if you were talking about taking a shit or eating cum or some base thing, that you would always be base. And then I watched Louis do versions of that, his versions of that, and it was eye-opening.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
who when we were in and he was very pale pale yeah we used to call him powder and so there was a very popular movie about a white dude who was so white his name was powder and he attracted lightning and so pull up a picture of powder real quick so uh And when one only wanted to shower by himself. Of course he did. We had a guy like that too.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Oh, yeah? I said that out loud to Ian Bagg. I don't want to be a dad comic. And he was like, it's who you are. He was like, the joke you just told... is fucking hysterical and no one has a joke like it. And it's amazing. And that's, you're not going to be a dad comic. You're going to be Bert. And I went, oh, fuck.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And the second we were on alert and the second we shower, we didn't make an announcement in our fraternity house. And we're like, Hey, everybody in the shower and everyone would get naked and get in the shower. And it got, so this was powder. And then it got out of hand where, like, someone smacked him on the ass. And real quick, their handprint showed up on his ass because he was so white.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
There was that whole scene in England, you know, like the Kai, Daniel Slott.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Good friend of mine. I think I partied with a bunch of those guys. A bunch.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
but i love the spontaneity of partings i love the the vibe of a party i love when you should walk into a room like i love walking into the mothership green room and seeing someone there and being like oh shit oh shit you know it uh but i also like i work out and i try to stay healthy so i can keep partying 100 that's the biggest mistake you can make is just go oh the party starts at 8 a.m let's fucking go
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
No. I said, mine goes this way. I go 8 a.m., 6 a.m., my whoop goes off. It goes off every morning at 6 a.m.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
No, no, my kids are in college. But I just set an alarm. I've never changed it. And it goes off at 6. The alarm in our house goes off.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's so funny. And then we all just naked are smacking him. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. Now, I wasn't always comfortable in front. Fourth grade, the year that the Karate Kid came out.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Nest of emptiness. You're an empty guy now. That is... That is... Oh, that is so fucking funny. That is so fucking funny. I'm going to talk about that on stage this weekend. I'm going to say I was talking to you and you didn't... In your English translation... It's the nest of emptiness. No, no, it's not. It's called empty nesters.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But it sounds so much more accurate when you call it the nest of emptiness.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
No, Empty Nester is like, hey, we don't have anything in here. Let's go have fun. We're Empty Nesters. There's a positive energy. Let's get a Winnebago. Let's go. But when you go, we live in the nest of emptiness. Because that's how it felt when the girls went to college. I looked at that house. It's just... a vacuum of fucking fun.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And there was like, and it was so big and no one, there was no noise and there was no energy. No one woke up early. No one was yelling at each other. No one was, you never yelled, Isla! Like, it was just so quiet.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I used to have, there's a thing called sleep anxiety with kids where they get nervous about going to sleep. A lot of people drink to go to sleep because they have sleep anxiety still as an adult. I got after work anxiety. Like the second we get done here, the idea of going to that house would give me anxiety. And I'd be like, oh, fuck.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I'd walk in and Leanne and I would sit in two recliners and watch TV and just go, so we're going to bed now? I mean, it's just so, the nest of emptiness. God, I got to have kids, huh? Fuck. No, but this is how my partying goes, to go back to that. Of course. I wake up at six.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I wake up at six. I usually work out at 10, but I get up, I talk to Leanne, Leanne and I'll have a moment, get up, make her breakfast or make both of us breakfast, have a coffee, get online.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
We can't both be fucking primates running around. I hope Leanne's listening to this fucking podcast right now. No, Leanne is a regular person. If we had two verts, we'd implode. We often say if Tom and Christina and Leanne and Bert had to switch easily, you could not put Bert and Christina together. We would be calling Tom and Leanne and being like, can you please come?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
We can't figure out how to use a coffee maker. We are useless. But I always say in the morning when I wake up, I go, that's it. I'm not drinking tonight. I'm done. I feel good. I don't feel bad right now. I'm going to work out and I'm going to have a clean day. And then that fucking rock and roll chant shows up the second I'm done working out. I go, I feel so good when I get done working out.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I go, well, we can have a fucking glass of wine tonight.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But to be sober, to be sober... But you, when you train, when you used to train, when you fought, you had a goal in mind. Exactly. Whole different thing. It's funny. We were explaining... We did a Steinholding contest at the 5K. Big German Stein filled with water because they couldn't have beer. And it was me and all the Buccaneers, all the Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Oh, they're offensive. Oh, that was the run, right? Yeah, we did the 5K.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
No, no, no, you're perfect. And I beat all the Buccaneers in the Steinholing contest. Really? Yeah, yeah. And Christian said, how is that even possible? How is that even possible? It's because they only train certain parts of their body for the thing they need to do. It's crazy. I did a bench press competition. You love a good bench. I love a competition. I love a goal.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I need a challenge and I need a goal. And all the football players were holding the bench real close, all the offensive linemen. And I was like, guys, if you go a little wider, you can go heavier. And they go, yeah, but... We push people here. So we want to work out here. And so they never do a front raise. Front raises, why would they ever do that? They don't need that muscle.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I do them because I want them to look good.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
If you saw offensive linemen doing these, you'd be like, what the fuck does he need that? He does squats. He does deadlifts. He does calves. He does all the shit he needs to use. So they don't really develop. I mean, they have huge muscles, but that's not their first muscle in mind is that front delt or that back delt or whatever. And so I beat them all.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But it's crazy when you work out and you have a goal in mind. Like I went to the bench press contest. It was 325 pounds at a bench. And all of a sudden, my brain shifted. And I went, I can't cheat on anything. If I cheat, I'm cheating myself. And I never thought that way with working out. I was always like, just get me the fuck out of here. I showed up. It's enough.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But it's the truth. It's like right this morning, I was like, so wait, what is my goal? What am I working out for other than to work out again tomorrow? And I was like, I need a goal in mind. I need something like tangible that I can fight for, you know?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Oh, I don't understand. Like Rogan quit drinking? No.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
There's crevices here. Dude, he sent a picture of himself shirtless. Jesus Christ. Flexing to me. Jesus Christ. And I put it in AI and it didn't look different. AI was like, yeah, we don't know. AI's like, you already did this.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But when it comes to the green room, he'll do whatever everyone's doing. If he never wants to drink again, I can always get high with him. Man, he'll still always get high. He'll always get high. And he'll always do mushrooms. But I think he just, I don't know what's going on, but he just thinks alcohol is poison. I go, yeah, of course. But it's the honest poison that everyone does. Poison, yeah.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Smart money moves are all about getting more out of every dollar. With Rocket Money, you can easily find forgotten subscriptions and have them negotiate bills for you. Putting money back in your pocket So with all those savings, really Rocket Money kind of pays for itself.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. That is the most important part, grow your savings. So many of us, and I'm telling you, when Leanne and I first got married, our savings just sat there stagnant.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
All of a sudden, we started growing our savings, and that's when we were able to buy our first house. Here's the best thing about Rocket Money. You see all your subscriptions in one place. and you know exactly where your money is going. For ones you don't want anymore, Rocket Money helps you cancel them.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Rocket Money has over 5 million users, and they saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. I can't stress this enough. So many of us are living hand-to-mouth. And I say us in that that was me and Leanne for...
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
13, 15 years, hand to mouth, where you're just trying to get by and not thinking about your savings. This is a great way to grow your savings without even thinking about it. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name Burtcast in the survey. So then they know I sent you. Don't wait.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them on my show. Wait, do more people not drink in the United States than in Estonia? Everybody drinks in Estonia. Everybody drinks. Everybody drinks. Don't you worry about that, my friend. I need to do Estonia. How many people speak English?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That's got to be crazy. Yeah. There's no one. I mean, I mean this with respect, but like America, obesity is like our thing.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Jesus Christ. They literally make a full circle, dude. Holy shit. So English is pretty prevalent?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Your management at least did. I did. Yeah, I remember. I was going to take my tour bus from Greece to Russia. Exactly.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah. I wish I had done that. And that was before Russia switched. Now I can't get in and out of there.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah. Did you ever take a trip to like Novograd?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
As a kid? I've been to St. Petersburg. It's really close to us. Oh, it's really close. Just the Gulf of Finland. Is that it?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah. I think Lenin did. No, Stalin. No, Lenin did. Lenin did, yeah. Lenin did.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
He did? Yeah. Jewish people do, right? Or is that Hitler?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Can you see us? Hugo Boss, that was great. Can you recognize an Estonian if someone's walking down the street? Dude, it's so fucking recognizable.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's a very recognizable look. And I wondered because I was thinking... all these areas of people were kind of landlocked during communism. So not a lot of people could take off and go to different places. I'm trying to figure this bit out, but Chinese people have always looked Chinese because they don't go anywhere. They just go China. Japan is just an island. They look Japanese.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Like the Koreans, there's not a lot of trading. Hong Kong, I guess. Yeah, Hong Kong, maybe. Singapore. But like... But then I was like, oh, I bet, because I can tell Russian chicks like that. Yeah, me too. If I see a Russian chick, I go, she's Russian.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Dude, the jaw sometimes. You're like, you're not from this country.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah, that's a jaw that can fucking put on boots and dig a cowl.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But we, in America, we're so, you know, I found out today, light-skinned people...
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah, it's crazy. I Googled it. It's crazy. You know what I did? I Googled the other day. How much did A and Google said? Slave cost? It's the first thing Google said. Well, it knows you. How much did A and then it goes? Slave cost? Did?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
There's something to be said about what goes on in America with our fucking economy. When you think about kids changing and not wanting to work for someone else and want to have their... I just want to be a YouTube star. I want to be a... And then you go... They look at having a job as slavery. Like, I'm going to fucking go to a fucking... Dude, what...
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Wait, tell me how... If someone's listening right now and they're like, yo, I'm 18. I think I'm going to go to college. I'm going to be a bartender. What's the move?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Hang on. Did you just hear downstairs go, ooh, there's all women downstairs and they're watching this live.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It was tennis camp was the first time I showered with boys. And it was funny because I did it and then I didn't do it again. But the second I got to like eighth grade, I had two guys who were like, we all played seventh grade. We had two guys who played football with Truett Gardner and Thompson Rankins. Keep their names. I love that you say full names. I do that too.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Wait, what is the bar scene like in Estonia? Is it like clubs? Is it all nightclubs?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Lutheranism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was our... We went through, yeah. Yeah. I think everyone went through that. They were like... Because I think they had a hard time translating the Bible into Estonian.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
What are the things that you came to America and you heard about that you were like, we never had anything like that? Like a library. You didn't have a public library. No, of course we had public libraries, yeah. But you didn't get to, it wasn't just any book. It's like state approved books. Oh, no, no, you had public library.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah. That's almost like growing up with like, it's almost like growing up when your life is that, when you tried ice cream for the first time at 17, and then you have a child who all the world's wide open to.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Always full names, always full names. And they said to me, hey, we're getting in the shower. We just played football. And I was like, yeah, I'm not gonna. And they go, hey, it's okay. I said, what? And they go, don't worry about it. And they said, what you got to do, name your dick. And I said, really? And they said, yeah, name your dick. Give him a good name. And I named him John Henry.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
My favorite Russian book I ever read in Russian, I think, is called We. Type in if it's a Russian book, We. That's a Nintendo, I think. It might be a Nintendo. Holy shit. I have the worst Russian book. I think it's called We. Maybe that's the Russian word. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I don't think it's a very big book, and I read that. I know I read it in English, and then I had to read it in Russian.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's the dystopian society, and it's all about... Russia. Wow. It's all about communism. Yeah. It's fucking fascinating. Fascinating. To know that that was written, what year was that written in? Pull that up. It was early 1900s.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Okay. So yeah, it was written right after communism, but before World War II. And it's crazy to think. I always think if you give me parameters as an artist, I can perform so much better sometimes.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
He's a steel-driving man. Damn. And then they said to me, if you need to, just wear boxers if you're embarrassed. And then you'll see that we're not embarrassed, and then you don't have to be embarrassed. And I went in in boxers, and I took my boxers off, and I was good. Yeah. High school, good. College, almost problematic. Like, I was so comfortable being naked. Yeah, for me too.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
No, no, no, no, no. I was thinking today, we never let our kids drink. We were really strict. And today I thought, I'm having issues with my, not issues with my parents, but I'm having weird thoughts about who they are and how they were a different person when I grew up. And then all of a sudden, when I got to a certain age, the cloak came away.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And they're like, yeah, my dad eats edibles all the time. And I was like, wait, so were you always that person? And you hid it from me? And then I went, did I hide? I don't think I did. I hid too, of course. Did Leanne and I hide who we were in front of our girls? I don't think we did, but I was like, oh, fuck, that's a crazy thing.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I said, and I was with my buddy this weekend who was letting his kid and his two friends drink. And I was like, is that the right move or is that the wrong move?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
What was the, what was it like? What was the, what was getting out of MMA like?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But then sometimes, of course, everyone has different limits. I was in our fraternity and the DGs were having a slip inside party. And I was a pledge and they asked me to make sure there was no glass because we were putting out a slip inside. Make sure there was no glass. And I was hungover. I didn't check for glass at all. I was like, what are the odds there's fucking glass in here?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I remember that. I've only been there once. I remember that.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah, fuck yeah. Remember that? Yeah, I've only been there once. I remember that. That was great.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And they said in order to go before first person to go is the guy who checked in for glass. And so I'm 18 years old and I take my pants off totally naked, whole sorority there, whole fraternity there. And I run slide down and perfect slide. I played baseball, perfect slide and stood it up at the deck, stood up like just like in baseball, slid to a stand up.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
My wife, when we first started dating, I think it's a Winston Churchill quote, I think, about... Quitting is something to the effect of the only way you lose is by quitting. So I read that very early into stand-up and I said, so then I thought, okay, so I just never quit. If I just never quit, then I guess I'll be successful because I never quit.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I was like, oh, I can rest my hat on that and go like, just don't quit. And then you're successful. Like, just don't quit. But even if you quit comedy right now, dude. Oh, I could quit now. Exactly. Exactly. I didn't know it was going to be this. Yeah. But it's so funny.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I remember we went to a party for a guy that she was friends with that was a comic and he was quitting comedy and he was moving home. And I had this mentality where I was like, I was really, I was also young, but I was like, yeah, I'm not going to go and celebrate a loss. Like, I'm not going to celebrate a loser. Wow. She was like, what? And I was like, he gave up.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
You don't cheer on people who give up. She went, quitting is the bravest thing you can do because you decided this is no longer for me and you're saying it out loud and you're starting a new venture in life.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Three times in a row, I quit too. Three times in a row, something's going on.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That's so funny. Yeah. I think... Being able to quit. Now I look at people who can pivot and do something else as like, that's bravery. Maybe I don't have that bravery, but I always was like... But I was that guy, dude.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Turned around, totally naked, raised my hands and I heard, oh my God. And I'm like, that's my dick. I slipped. I cut my ass on glass and I ripped it and blood was pouring out of my asshole. And I was like, oh, wow. Oh, there is glass. I guess we can't slip and slide now.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
So when you moved to Perth, is that when you started comedy?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Sorry. Laughing or it was Steve Martin book. I know what you're talking about. The Steve Martin one. Yes. Not about where it's a bunch of guys. No, no, no. It's him. Just Steve Martin book. The black and white one. Born Standing Up.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Wait, how cool. Like, cause I was a part of that generation, right?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I've never had a slip and slide. You've never had a slip and slide?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But I think what's crazier for me now, not even thinking about it, but it's like... when just your journey of like you're Estonian, you're in Melbourne, you listen to a podcast, you love stand-up, and then all of a sudden you get a goldmine of someone who's going to break down everything you love. They're just, all they're going to do is pick apart everything and you're going to learn names.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
You're going to be like, Mark Maron, who the fuck's that? And then you're going to be like, Doug Stanhope. What, Joey Diaz? And that had to be fantastic. Fun as shit.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I mean, you know, it's so funny as I listened to the podcast. I was on Travel Channel before and I was listening. Probably those first, I don't know what episode I was on, but... those early ones. And I would hear Joey Diaz and I didn't know, I knew of Joey Diaz, like I didn't know him.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And, uh, and then the first time I met Joey Diaz, dude, I mean, this is like, I don't know if anyone even remembers this. I never met Joey Diaz, and Rogan calls, and he's like, yo, what are you doing tonight? And I'm on the treadmill, and Leanne's in there, and we're in the man cave, and we're going to watch TV. And he goes, what are you doing tonight?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I said, I'm just getting on the treadmill. I think I'm going to stay in. And he goes, come to the ice house. And I was like, I don't know. I think I'm going to stay. And he goes, come to the ice house. Everyone's going to be at the ice house. You need to be at the ice house. I said, all right, I'll think about it. I hung up. Tom called. And he goes, hey, I'm with Joe.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Come to the fucking ice house. I said, okay, I'm coming to the ice house. So I got my clothes on. I go to the ice house. I sit in the room. Joe goes out to do, I think Joe goes out to do a podcast. All I know is I sit in the room. And Joey Diaz sits down right next to me. I've never met him. I just got high.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I have a drink and I meet Joey. And his first words to me are, Dog, you ever get high on a quaalude and break into some chick's house and eat her pussy? And I go, what? And he goes, Lucy Snowbush. And I laughed. And what's beautiful about that moment, you can find it online.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Wow. Joe would run them. Joe would put on the show. And Joe would be in and out of the room. He'd be on the podcast sometimes. I remember there's so many clips of those times. That's the first words I met with Joey Diaz. And my favorite... Joey Diaz was like... It was crazy because I'd heard him on the podcast so much. And then I met him and he was the same guy.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That's a beautiful place. Beautiful. It is beautiful. Beautiful. It's cold as fuck. You get white nights there too. Cold as fuck. What's that?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
He was so perfect. He was like so perfect. He was like the perfect comic because you could never tell. If it's a bit. Yeah. And he would, he would let a bit go.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That's so crazy. I don't think any, especially Joey. Joe, I think, had an idea that people were listening. I don't think any of us ever knew people were listening. Like, I remember actually hearing... Joe, say to Red Band one time, Red Band used to have this thing where you just would say buttholes all the time. You go buttholes. Oh, I love Red Band. Buttholes.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And Joe just, it was me and Joe and Red Band. When we did it at Joe's house. And Joe just.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Buttholes. Buttholes. And Joe just looks at Redman and he goes, you know people are fucking listening to this, right? And Redman's like, sure. And he goes, no, Joe's like, no. Like, there's a responsibility. People are listening to this. He's trying to run a show. He's trying to run a show. Yeah, and he's like, think.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
He goes, Brian, sometimes think about what you're going to say before you say it. And Brian just goes, buttholes. And it was like... By the way, Red Band won that one. Dude. That's what he said. He said bottles after that. Yeah, I'm sure that someone can find it and post it. So crazy.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But it's so crazy to think that Joey Diaz doing stand-up got all the way down to Australia to an Estonian and a girl from San Diego.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
such a great feeling the reason is you're funny as fucking shit like you're really funny you're really funny i mean like you i've seen i get all the all the uh clips yeah yeah through my phone i always watch comics i'll always watch a comic oh yeah those kill tony ones yeah kill tony ones i just and i'm i mean and i remember just i remember hitting up Maybe it was Tom or maybe Joe.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I was like, dude, this guy's fucking great.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And someone wrote back, they're like, dude, he's... And then I got into you. I was like, oh, shut up. I was like, oh, wow, this is fascinating. And then when you were on Joe, I was like, oh, this is my guy. I get naked in front of dudes too. I don't have a problem with it at all. And I know Joe does. And Joe's got a hog. That's what I don't understand.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
See? Oh, don't blur. You have your safety search on, I'm sure. Oh, go to the one. The top one. Top one. Top one. Top one. Oh, that's it?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
The game's a big motherfucker too. The other, big.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Dude, it's... I was in St. Petersburg for a while and it was... By the way, we went to St. Petersburg, Florida recently.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
The shroom. The mushroom. It's crazy. I think to myself, if I had tits, I'd post. Only tits. I'd post tits all the time.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I was doing the pause challenge. Have you seen the pause challenge on Instagram?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Where it's just a video and then all of a sudden they're naked and you got to try to pause on the naked part. Oh. Yeah. I would do it. If I had tits, I would be using them to sell tickets. Like I would be like, I would, I would use them to do everything.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I mean, honestly, I, I, well, I guess, I guess why you, cause you, you're maybe not because you've got to sell tickets to women. That's the key. If you're a woman, you need to hit the female market.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Well, they, that's what they used to say. If you sell the check, the dudes have to come. They always come.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
No, that's perfect. No, it is so different. I was born in St. Petersburg, Florida.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Dude, that is wild. Women will forgive. Guys are like fucking... Guys will turn on you.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah. What the fuck? I posted a picture of me in shape with my game photo. You can see my dick. Pull it up. I posted it. Dude, guys were trashing me. Guys I know were trashing me. And they were trashing me in like a hurtful, trying to get to me kind of way. They're a blue picture.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
That's how censorship looks at your picture. Look at him go. But dudes, no woman said anything. If anything else, I have women coming and saying, I love those pictures. They're awesome.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Women love, you're taking a chance. Guys, I had guy fans turn on me and be like, fuck this. unsubscribe. I'm done. I'll never follow you again. I'm like, wait, aren't you the same guy laughing at the meat print video with the game? Like that? What was the joke? I'm fucking around. I'm fucking. I was like, I've lost. I don't know.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I forget what the comment was, but I was like, I lost a bunch of weight. And then the pictures, those ideas in my dick. It happened one time, happened one time on accident. I did a picture of, Me, I didn't drink for like three months. And I said, I'm drinking tonight. This is the best I'll ever be in shape. And I took a picture.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And for some reason, my dick in the pair of pants looked very prominent. And it was so funny how many people got triggered by it. They either were like, you look great. Or they'd be like, does anyone not see his dick? And I just thought that was the funniest thing to post that picture and watch people go, not see the dick and go, you look great, man. Do you tan? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But yeah, I think that's the, I don't know. I always thought me prints are funny.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Dude, all those dick jokes, like when you put it over your wrist and go, what time is it?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
You pull your balls out wide and you go jump, jump, jump. Yeah. I mean, we, I used to have a ton that we would do me and my friends and it was fucking, I mean, it always worked. We would do the thing where we do, they'd turn the lights off and then I'd get no pose and then they'd turn them on and I'd be naked.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I remember the, the best one was, uh, we were in a, we were, we were traveling backpacking through Europe. We were in, uh, we were like a castle somewhere and they turned the lights off and I jumped up in one of those, like those windows that are like this, you know, I jumped up and I paused in there. They turned the lights on and I was like, it's a gargoyle.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And they were, and I'm totally naked when the, and I was just running around the room to naked poses. I don't get, I would kill myself. That's so funny.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's so funny. I would jump off. One time I put my dick and balls in a wine glass and I went up to Tom and went, Oh my God. Cocktail. I mean, it always works.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
The more serious you take it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, 100%. And my wife doesn't. I don't know. I don't think she enjoys those.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
God. I got to go to Estonia. Yeah. Dude, I love you, man. I think you're fucking hilarious. Thank you for doing my podcast. Oh, thanks for having me on. You make me giggle.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
You make me giggle so fucking hard. And I'm telling you when I say this. You are... This is probably the hardest I think we've ever laughed on a podcast. I'm not even fucking around. Halfway through, I was high, but I started going... I was super high, by the way. I'm like Stavi. I can't stop giggling. And I'm being dead serious. That woman right here has sat on a ton of podcasts.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I may have to come to the store tonight. Come on, come hang out. I might have to.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Fucking play that at my funeral. Yeah. Play that at my fucking funeral. Dude, you're the best. You're a legend. Thank you, brother.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Oh, yeah? Cam Patterson and David Lucas are funny as shit. Funny as shit, yeah. Cam Patterson's really funny. David Lucas is one of my favorite people.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
The Permission to Party World Tour kicks off September 18th in Rockford, Illinois, the 19th in Milwaukee, the 20th in St. Paul, Minnesota, the 21st in Duluth, Minnesota, followed by Eugene, Oregon, September 28th. Avoid scalpers and go to BurtBurtBurt.com to get your lowest ticket price.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Because they're the guy. You know what's crazy? No one ever, like... So many people call me fat. Like, it's all I get.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
You actually look... Can I be honest? Uh-huh. I had expectations of you being shorter.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Yeah. I don't know why. I thought you'd be so much shorter. We've only met when you were sitting.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And then I've watched you kill Tony, and I thought you'd be shorter.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
It's crazy. You talk about, in America, the disparity between the rich and the poor, but even in the green room these days, there's a moment where you're making... But it was never like that before. It was never like that. There were like seven rich comedians, like Seinfeld, Chris Rock, David Spade, Norm. Norm was on the fence. You didn't know if Norm had money.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But there was maybe 20 rich comedians. And then one day, we were sitting in the hallway at the store, And we were talking about our tour buses versus do you take a private to get to your tour bus? And, and someone was like, I fly private between gigs and I have my tour bus meet up with me.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
And I just sat and I was, and I, at the time, at that time I had never flown private and I had just gotten a tour bus, but it was, I was leasing it. And I was like, what happened? I was like, wait, when, like, does anyone stay at hotels?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
But it is bizarre. Dude, everyone's racist. But then it happens immediately. Like, it happens. And it's happening to you right now. I mean, yeah, yeah. Of course, I'm making more money than I've ever made. It's happening to you. It's happening to Cam Patterson. It's happening to... All the Kill Tony kids are having a fucking splash moment where you're like... For sure, yeah. And it's crazy.
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
Do you hear comics talk shit about the Kill Tony guys? Well, that's all I'm hearing. Really? And I love it. Really? I love drama. It's funny. You don't mind confrontation?
Bertcast
# 677 - Ari Matti is on Your Sleep Schedule
I like that. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey said that they have avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment. This Mental Health Awareness Month, let's encourage everyone to take care of their well-being and break the stigma.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Las Vegas. I'll be at Resorts World Theater March 21st and 22nd. My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. Vancouver Island?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
in live person. Right, sure, sure. And you were a comedian, but I saw in that moment you were like, the Tom Green thing, it's a hard, you gotta be in, you gotta be in on it.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Dude, I have almost an identical picture of me on a horse like that. Yeah. That's a beautiful picture.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
So Travis Barker said he wondered sometimes if he manifested his plane crash. Because he goes, I was so afraid of flying, and I kept thinking it's going to crash. At one time, I was like, fuck it, I had to. It was going to have to happen.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
No, but this is so like, did you think that you had this in you to be able to communicate with a mule?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It's almost like learning another language. Yeah. Have better sex with Bluetooth. Bluetooth, the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, Bluetooth is offering a combo so strong, it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off too. You'll have to move town with the amount of noise you're going to be making.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
What was up with them booing us at the hockey game?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Bluetooth Max has arrived, and it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and lasts forever. A double whammy, great sex is just a few clicks away. Sign up at bluechew.com. Consult with one of their licensed medical providers. Once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Blue Chew tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door. And the best part, it's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. I'm telling you these things pack a punch, if you know what I mean. Take one at 4 p.m., watch the sunset, and bring in the night.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Make it easier by getting harder and discover your options at bluechew.com. And we got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Blue Chew free when you use promo code BurtCast. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code BurtCast. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I would like to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this podcast.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Let me tell you something real quick about these game changers. I started reading Mando reads for how long, Halston? It's been a minute, right? Do you know other people are starting to make whole body deodorant now? I'm not going to say it, but big names. And bro, I stick with the originators. Mando's whole body deodorant is safe to use anywhere on your body.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I put them on my balls, my inner thighs, my belly button, my crack, my abs.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
crack my feet this is created by a doctor who saw firsthand how normal bo is being misdiagnosed and mistreated you know i'm not the biggest shower guy dude i throw this on clinically proven to block odor all day and to control odor for up to 72 hours their products include this solid stick deodorant formulated and powered by mandelic acid to stop odor before it starts
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
spray deodorant aluminum free and ideal for hard to reach places all products are baking soda free and paraben free you can choose from a variety of scents like bourbon leather cloverwood mount fuji is mine that's my go-to or pro sport and these little mando deodorant wipes these are awesome man you go through give yourself a once over hit yourself with a little stick and you are good for the day i'm telling you man if you're busy like i am where you wake up you work out you burn a sweat
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And you've got to go immediately to work and sit next to your best buddy and do a podcast. And you go, listen, he's a man. He'll understand. Dude, throw some Mando on. He's like, what scent is that? Is that Tom Ford? No, it's Mando. Mando starter pack is perfect for new customers.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, and two free products of your choice, like the deodorant wipes, which I love, or mini body wash and free shipping. As a special offer to our listeners, new customers get $5 off a starter pack with our exclusive code that equates to over, 40% off your starter pack using code BurtCast at ShopMando.com. That's S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Please support our show and let them know that we sent you. Smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from head to toe with Mando. I had a bad incident with a horse in Costa Rica. I got bit by a bat the night before. A double whammy and then a horse the next day? No, no, no, no, no, no. I came, showed up with fucked up energy. Yeah, sure.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And I really fucked up energy and I was hungover.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Don't breeze over that. How'd you get bit by a bat? I was, so it was during the day, apparently sick bats are on the, on the ground or in bushes. Yeah. And so that's the scary part for me. And then I put in Bert's bat bite. My daughter's, my daughter's. Good alliteration on that though.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then that night, someone's like, have you gotten, have you gotten... A rabies shot. A rabies shot. And I was like, what? And they're like, you know, you only have like a couple days to get rabies shots. And I was like, we were in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, wait, hold on. That was my bat bite.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
No, no, no. So it was in a bush and I was standing next to a bush after a whitewater rafting trip. And I felt something bite my leg. Oh. And I was like, didn't think anything of it. Like, just crawled up and bit you or something? And no, it was in the bush. It was just in the bush.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I was right next to the bush. Like, standing leg up against the bush. And just, like, bit you? And it just bit me. I felt it. I didn't think anything of it. I really honestly didn't think anything of it. Did you see the bat? No. Didn't see the bat. Didn't think anything of it. They just saw the teeth when you went to the doctor's? Didn't even see the teeth. Didn't even see the teeth. Felt it.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Didn't even think anything of it. That night we're at dinner, and our waitress... Well, how do you know it was a bat, is what I'm saying? Our waitress came up and said, oh, you got bit by a bat. And I was like, what? She goes, you got bit by a bat. And I looked at her and went, oh, shit. I got bit by a bat? She goes, you must have. That's what it looks like. And I went, oh, crazy.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then I said, and then anyone else, they were like, it happens. In Costa Rica, it happens. A lot of times, if you'll be sleeping, a bat will bite you.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Holy shit. I didn't know. I never heard of that.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Oh, my God. And then I was like, cool. Not a big problem. I got bit by a bat. Cool. I remember Doug Stanhope said... I posted on Instagram, what are you supposed to do in case of a backbite? And Stanhope was like, drink beers. So I was like, cool, I'll drink beers. So I got really fucked up that night. And right before I went to bed, this dude Kendall goes...
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I mean, your parents are fucking adorable. Yeah, yeah. Your mom, when she goes, isn't it against better interest to have the person the documentary is about directing it? You're like, yeah. You're not supposed to do that, no. Your mom's fucking adorable. But is there a moment where you go... I've had a couple pops. I'm outside. I'm at my place in Canada. But let's be fucking real.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
dude, I can't believe you're being as cool as you are about this bad bite. And I was like, what? And he was like, I mean, you got rabies. And I was, we're in the middle of nowhere. And he's like, you gotta get that rabies shot, like, today. Or you're gonna die. And I was like, hold on. So I said to my crew, I was like, hey, uh,
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Can anyone get me, like, a doctor to take a look at this bat bite or get me a rabies shot? And they were very lackadaisical about it. They were like, yeah, I think you're going to be fine. And I was like, no, hold on. And there was a guy, Eric Mazur, who was my director, who was kind of advocated for me.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
The next morning, I was like, hey, guys, can we get, like, for real, I should probably see a doctor because I got hit by a bat. And they're like, we're not even sure it's a bat bite. And I was like, no, hold on. It doesn't matter. And this guy, Eric Mazur, really stood up for me. He's like, get him a fucking doctor. Get him a fucking doctor right now. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And so then they're like, now, can you get on this horse? And I got bucked off the horse.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Well, the horse took off running on the beach. Oh, my God. I couldn't control it. I'm fucked up. I remember I was sweating. And I was like, this is crazy. I got bucked off the horse. The guy had to come up, grab the horse to stop the horse. And as he stopped the horse, the horse is bucking. And I get not bucked off like break your neck, but bucked off like I'm off the fucking horse.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Get off the horse. And the guy goes, what's wrong with you to me? I go, what? And he goes, this horse doesn't do that. What did you do to this horse? And I went. Nothing. I got bit by a fucking bat. He goes, he doesn't ride horses today. I was like, how did I get in trouble? Because you were nervous about the bat bite. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And he goes, the horse read your energy and your energy is fucked up, man. You're not getting on a horse today. You're going to get hurt. So they put me in a car. And our fixer, it was the greatest fixer I ever saw. He was a gorgeous dude. He goes, I heard you got bit by a bat. I said, yeah. And he goes, do you know what they say to do if you get bit by a bat? And he goes, what?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And he opened up the middle console. And the middle console in Costa Rica was all refrigerated. And he goes, drink a beer. And so I just started drinking beers. And then I talked to a doctor on the phone. And the doctor goes... we don't have rabies in Costa Rica. I said, what? He goes, we don't have rabies. Last case of rabies was like 20 years ago. You're going to be fine. And I was like, cool.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then I went back to the States and I was getting ready to go to Africa the next week. And she goes, do you want to get inoculated for rabies? And I said, oh no, I got bit by a bat like two weeks ago. She goes, Did you get the rabies shot? I went, no, I didn't need it. They don't get rabies in Costa Rica. She goes, who the fuck told you that? She was like, you definitely could have rabies.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Like, hold on. You didn't get fucking the shots. And I went, no. She goes, and you got bit by a bat. I said, yeah. And she went, good luck. So the next eight months, I just waited to die from rabies. Right. That was fun. Wow. But no rabies. No rabies. I guess I beat it. Holy crap. Fucking horses, man. Yeah. Like the idea that a horse, that you couldn't get on a horse because you got bit by a bat.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Yeah. And you had fucked up energy. Yeah. But then the idea that you can, because I then had to ride horses to run buffalo through, bison through Texas. Man. And I was scared of a horse. Yeah, sure, sure. So that's the thing. They sense that. They sense your fear, right? Dude. Yeah. And my guy, John, I wish I remember his name. He's like, yo, something's going on with you and horses.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And I was like, yeah. And he's like, all right. He's like, you spend the night with your horse tonight.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
So you actually slept in the barn with the horse? I slept in the barn that night and slept with my horse. And then I took my horse out to the field and I let him go that morning to run around. And then I had to go catch him and then I had to bring him back and then I had to saddle him. And then I spent a lot of time with him. His name was Buck. And yeah. I played poker with him one night.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
We were all playing poker. And John was like, go get your horse. So I brought my horse up next to him.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I created all this shit. Well, uh... Because, okay, I'll toot your own horn. Tom Green Show, probably first... First, no one's doing Man on the Street at the time. No one's doing Crazy Man on the Street. No one's doing now what Jack Doherty and all these TikTok kids, hey, it's just a prank, you know, that shit. You created that entire genre.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
There's got to be a picture of me playing poker with my horse. We were playing poker and John was like, hey... Go get your horse. I was like, what? And he's like, go get your horse. Bring him out. Let him sit with you and play poker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, you got good energy. You're winning. Bring your horse out. Let him sit. Right, right, right, right. So I brought my horse out.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
That's cool. And I just had him next to me. I was drinking. There's got to be a picture of me playing poker with a fucking horse.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
The last horse I was with was this one. This is Whitney's horse right here. Whitney's horse and I. This is a crazy horse story. So Whitney's horse was abused. Okay. And... And Whitney came out. It was me and Isla and Whitney. And Whitney came out, and she was like, hey, do you want to see if you can meet? I would like to introduce you to my horse. And I started getting the horse to stand up.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then all of a sudden, the horse and I connected. I'm not lying when I say this. The horse and I connect. The horse comes over and starts crying. For like 30 minutes, the horse cried. Okay. And Whitney's like, what's happening right now? Just like what? Like sort of whinnying or? So when a horse cries, they do this thing with their teeth. They're like. Okay. And that's almost like gagging.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Okay. Okay. And the horse, Whitney's like, holy shit, what the fuck's happening? And the horse just came up and it would nuzzle me. Yeah. It would nuzzle me. And then it would just start crying. And Whitney's like, oh shit, I bet the dude that abused my horse looked like you.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Like I bet there's, there's a, but for whatever reason, me and this horse connected so intensely and sidebar, I'm allergic to horses. I was like fucking eyes closed wheezing. I was like, Oh, hope I can help you through this. Yeah. But yeah, Whitney's, that was me and Whitney's horse. We fucking had this crazy connection.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
You know, I really kind of... I don't think I realize just how pivotal of a man you are, like how important of a man you are. But like, as you were saying that, I was like, I just found out I can drive my bus. Like, I just found out that I'm licensed to drive my bus. Okay, sure, yeah. And I was like, why don't I drive my bus to Tennessee? Yeah. Like, why don't I fucking... No one can stop me.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It's my bus. I own it. Yeah. Why don't I drive... Like, the things you've done in life are so... You don't seem to be doing... You seem to be doing them... Out of a necessity for who Tom Green is. And then Tom Green comes in and kind of makes it the thing it is. Does that make sense? I can feel like there's two Tom Greens. For me, there are. For me, there are two Tom Greens.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Yeah. So not everyone wants to be us. Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
There's young Tom Green, skateboarder, Tom Green show, MTV, Freddie Got Fingered, Charlie's Angel Tom Green. And then there's the guy I know now. So I feel like the guy I know now is on this journey. to be his own man and figure out his life, his way and what he wants out of life and what he wants it to be.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then I think this young curious Tom green who goes, who goes, man, I want to learn how to edit. I want to learn how to make me. There's no way for me to explain to the people listening that, the type of human that was interested in standup comedy in 1987. There's no one, no one that is like being into punk rock in 1974. Right. That is like, it wasn't popular. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It was like, you had to be an, a, a weird left brain guy.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Joe Rogan has credited you with setting up... You had the very first podcast ever. You created that entire genre. I mean... So many things. You did Dirty Old Man before Johnny Knoxville did Dirty Old Man. You were at the very beginning of so many things that you created. I just wonder how you, like, if you just sit some nights, your ego gets out in front of you and you're like, come on, man.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
living kind of a kind of a crazy free life you know which is i don't think it's like that anymore so no i think the i mean i i i don't mean to i don't mean to sound like an old man but yeah it does sort of start to sound like that when i talk like that back when i was a kid we didn't have these i do that with stand-up stand-up is like is like you know and i and i i know that it sounds like i'm complaining but like i'm not complaining i'm just saying there was something very
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Is anyone going to just fucking, like, it was nice when Joe gave you props.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
different um about art when there wasn't the internet yeah like i i didn't get into stand-up because i thought it was a way i could make money yeah like i got into stand-up because i had a thing about stand-up and i was like this is cool and it felt like it was a it was a that was my people yeah and and and not not that you know they're kids getting into stand-up like it's like
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I meet so many kids now that are into stand-up. I think that's so cool. But there is a real authenticity to a kid like you who found stand-up at 16 in Ottawa when it wasn't this big business. And same with skateboarding. I was at the UFC fight this weekend. Ran into the Lucy guys at the fights. I've been off nicotine for a while. We're sitting next to the fights. Boom. Boom.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
A Lucy ended up in my mouth. It was a Lucy breaker. I think it was like a apple ice. I'm not certain, but their breakers are nicotine pouches with a little extra surprise. It's a hundred percent pure nicotine entirely always tobacco free, but this little surprise, each palace has a little capsule that can be broken open to release a little extra flavor and hydration. And I'm telling you,
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
If you've never tried them, I don't know how to explain it. It's like the Lord whispering secrets into your ear about how great your night's going to be. Their flavors are awesome. They have mint, mango. I think I had either apple ice or apple cider, but they have berry citrus and espresso. So level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to lucy.co.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
slash BirdCast and use the promo code BirdCast to get 20% off your first order. Lucy has a 30-day refund policy. If you change your mind, again, that's Lucy.co and use code BirdCast to get 20% off. That's Lucy.co slash BirdCast and the code is BirdCast. Anywhere worth going is worth going in a good pair of boots. And let me tell you something.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I went to UFC this weekend and Power Slap, and the only pair of shoes I brought with me were my Takovas. Find your perfect pair with Takovas. Ever wonder if you can pull off boots in your personal style? I often wonder it. I wear flip-flops all the time. You owe it to your feet to pull on a pair of Takovas. They are so freaking comfortable. And being confident with the shoes you have on
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It isn't about being different. It's about being yourself. Find comfort in traditions of the West and confidence from making it your own. Honor the West by leaving your own boot print. Takova's Crafts, quality Western boots for everyone, from generational ranchers to lifelong cowboys to stand-up comedians who want to look like the cool, tough guys at the UFC.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Every pair of Jacobas are handcrafted with over 200 meticulous steps for broken-in comfort right out of the box, and that is no lie. I am telling you, I wore them for the first time. These are new ones. These are the Dean Alligator, and I wore them to UFC, and I'm telling you right now, they were so comfortable. I felt like I was... I felt like I was in sneakers.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Like, I was so comfortable in these boots. And I stood like a man. I was tall like everyone. I felt cool. I looked badass. Pair of jeans, T-shirt, leather jacket, alligator Tacovas. Dude, so awesome. Right now, get 10% off at Tacovas.com slash Burt when you sign up for email and text. That's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S.com slash Burt. Trust me. These are awesome boots. Tacovas.com slash Bert.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
See site for details. Tacovas. Point your toes west. I got lucky enough to hang out with Mike McGill. Not hang out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meet Mike McGill. The Bones Brigade. The Bones Brigade at a Tony Hawk show. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh my God, like how crazy this counterculture is. that I found when I was a kid at a skate shop in Temple Terrace. And I know all their names.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I know all their names. Lance Mountain, all their names. Tommy Guerrero. Tommy Guerrero was there.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Steve Caballero, Mike McGill. Steve Caballero was there. That was the exact people there. And I'm sitting there going like, Dude, and then they're like, yo, whose deck did you have? And I was like, Billy Ruff. And they're like, okay, it was a good deck. And they're like, with the goblet? And I was like, fuck yeah, with the goblet. Yeah, a goblet with like bubbles coming out of it or something.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then they're like, I can't, like, I love when people go, I can't believe you're a skateboarder. And I was like, fuck yeah, my whole life. Like, I suck, but I'm still a skateboarder.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
First of all, I Got a Mule and Tom Green Country, they're awesome. Thanks, man. But the fucking, this is the Tom Green documentary, fucked me up. Yeah, oh yeah? It really did because it brought me back. I have so many questions, but not questions, but just like, There's a point in the documentary where you said you were on screen with Steve Martin and someone else. Martin Short, yeah.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Everything's mainstream. I mean, even recording yourself. Me and my buddy Eddie in college, he had a recorder and
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
we went we took it into a class in different into a building in different bottom of florida state and we went door to door to every classroom now i realized just how dangerous this was it was right after speed and we opened the door and we said there's a bomb on your bus and we kept shutting the door okay we thought it was so funny and we showed it to our friends and we're but it was like it was like god like and we're just going from door to door like guys there's a bomb in your bus someone's gonna drive this bus i can't be here for the whole thing right and we were laughing so hard
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Now I look at that and it's probably really reckless. Right. Well, like there's a bomb in here.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Yeah. But it's like it's like those videos were so precious to us. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like now it's like everyone's got a camera. Yeah. Everyone's got like a I don't know. It was different.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Do you think too much for real? Like, Oh yeah. I talked to Theo about it yesterday. I have an actual, like I've never been powerless over any substance in my life ever, ever, ever, ever.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
But you remember when we were kids, they called it the boob tube. Yeah. And you just sit in front of the TV and you'd watch a movie gleaming the cube. You'd watch the whole fucking movie. Not even that great of a movie. Right. You'd watch the whole goddamn movie and be like, that was a waste of two hours.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Because I didn't go to class today and I just watched gleaming the cube.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
ESPN, you'd watch the same in college. You would turn on ESPN and you would watch the same ESPN because they replayed the exact same ESPN. You'd watch it every fucking hour on the hour, the same one you just watched.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
What is the longest you think you've ever spent on TikTok for real? Probably something like that. I really think I had a morning where I got up at 6 and I wanted to go back to sleep. And I got out of bed at 1 and I had been on Instagram the whole time. I think I got to the end of Instagram.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Like I got to the very end. You saw everything. And I was like, I've already seen this. Oh, I've already seen this. Oh shit, I've seen everything. You saw everything that was posted on Instagram that day. It's so... And I feel like... I feel like I'm literally, my screen time, my daughters did my screen time and they put parental controls on my phone because my screen time was 18 hours.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Oh, I watched a dude steal from Macy's today. Yeah. Have you seen this one? No. Dude, you know, people now, mostly in LA. I mean, I don't know if they do it in other cities. I'm sure San Francisco, mostly in California. They just grab stuff and then they just walk out. Right. Yeah, sure. Of course, yeah. a security guard grabbed him.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Two security guards were holding him and he was yelling, I can't breathe, which is almost sacrilege because he's yelling at the top of his lungs. He obviously can breathe. He's just doing the George Floyd things, thinking, it kind of broke my heart. And then his mom came up and started telling people she was going to beat him, beat them for getting near him. Don't you touch me. And I was like,
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then I'm like... You watched that for an hour.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
There was no ending. Cops never showed up. I don't even know what happened. And then I looked, and four of my friends had commented on it. I was like, so wait, I'm on the same algorithm as my... We're all on the same fucking algorithm.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I mean, it makes me crazy. And then other thing is that it makes me jealous if I'm not living my life. I'm looking at someone in the Maldives.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And I'm like, fuck, I'm not doing shit with my life. I should be on vacation. Or like, I'll see someone post like a picture of them on tour and I'll be like, God damn it, I'm not on tour. Yeah. Like they're on a set of a movie. I go, motherfucker, I'm not making any movies. Fuck. And then I get, it hurts my, like I hurt my feelings looking at other people's success.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then, then this is the fucking dime mic drop. So I said that to someone and they go, yeah, how much do you think?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
your life has pissed me off yeah because he's like you're like you're here you are one of the most successful comedians in the world and you're getting pissed off who's pissing you off i was i was like god damn it that theater sold out and then i'm like and the guy goes you post every time you're in arena you post everyone with their flashlights on i'm like yeah oh yeah that's gotta be annoying yeah and then i was like and then i do these big summer tours you know the summer tour i really want to do do you ever see the one where the grateful dead took the bus across canada
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I'll break down Canada for you, okay? Yeah. Winnipeg's like... Winnipeg... I like Winnipeg, but it's... Winnipeg's the... What's the name of the team? The Jets. The Jets. Okay. Winnipeg's... I love you, Winnipeg, and I'll be back to your arena soon where the Jets play. But it's a little sketchy. It's a little bit like Detroit. I think it's the murder capital of Canada.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I'm not sure if that's true, by the way, but I'm pretty sure it is. It's the, hey, I lost my foot in a snowdrift capital.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It's a tough town. They're tough there. Yeah. Montreal's fancy pants. Yeah. Ottawa's relatable. Ottawa, for me, is like Buffalo, I felt. Yeah. Ottawa and Buffalo are very similar towns. I couldn't tell the difference. Yeah. And the wings, I think- We've got great wings in Ottawa.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Yeah. Vancouver- I think the prettiest city in all the country. It's the most beautiful city I've ever been to.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And it's better. And dude, Quebec City. No, not Quebec City. Vancouver Island. Yeah. Fucking gorgeous. And it is amazing that it's all going to be the 51st state soon. Would you be into being in America? What was up with them booing us at the hockey game? They're booing about that.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Do you know the video that was going around? Did you see the video? Which one? Of the hockey game? Yeah, and they're like, Canada booed our national anthem. There were eight fights within the first five minutes. Sounds like a good game. The video, see if you can find the video, but it's like the boys are back in town or some shit like that where they just show Americans fucking up Canadians.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And I was like, hold on. I will tell you candidly, and I'm embarrassed to say this out loud. I swear to God. And I know I'm going to get fucking destroyed for this. When I saw Trump say, and we're going to make Canada part of America, I thought that would be cool as fuck. Without thinking, maybe they don't want to be part of America. I just was like, that would be cool, man.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Oh, that's so fucking. But I bet there's so many Americans that are like, why wouldn't they want to be America?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Um, so I want to talk to you about your, your burn. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. I, I do my research differently. Like I get a one page on you and I'm like, I, and I read it by going, I know all this shit. And, but then the one thing is like third degree burns. And I was like, huh? Yeah, that was, that's a new one.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Does this happen to everyone when you hear the story like this? My asshole tingles.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
What I thought was so cool is that I remember watching the Tom Green show. The first, I remember watching, someone's like, have you seen this shit? What I didn't realize is like you had done like what, 50 episodes or like, In Canada. Yeah. So when it came to plugging in sketches, you had your bangers already. Yeah. That was like genius. Fucking genius. Yeah. Do you want to make a TV?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Were you just like, it's not as bad? Did you rationalize? Like, it's not as bad as it looks.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Hey, I argue if you're not bit by a bat, burn your feet or have both testicles, you're not living your life, right?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I think I showed that to Tig Notaro, and she did not laugh.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I don't even know that anyone would make a TV show anymore. I don't think anyone makes TV shows.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Even more unhappy about that. That's the other thing that was such a surprise is just how long you've been doing stand-up. Like you've been doing stand-up since you were like OG yuck yucks.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
If you start and you start stand-up and then you get distracted with other things, you're always a stand-up. You're always a stand-up. I mean, I started when I was... 26, and then I got put into television, and I stopped for a period when I was in television, and then got out, or didn't get another job, and then got back into stand-up. But you're always a stand-up.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It's kind of in your mind all the time. I don't know. Or like, what's the future?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Can I tell you what I get fucked up on? Look at that brick structure. Look how clean that is. It's incredible. They did that before computers. Yeah. What's the hardest part about living in a van?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
A Lids, a Yankee Candle, and a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
This is what the boys in Ruby Ridge were trying to do.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
You know, a long time ago, long, long time ago, we were very drunk and very high. But Joe looked at me, Tom, Joey, Ari, I think Duncan, a bunch of us, and was like, if I buy a bunch of land in, I think it was Santa Barbara or Santa Cruz,
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
you guys move there i'll build us all houses and we were like i was like yeah he's like open a comedy club and we'll all just live together and we'll have all our friends and family and we'll have a comedy club and we can get open and now he's technically he's done that in austin a little bit but yes i remember leanne was like i'm not moving next to joe and tom and joey diaz bert and i was like come on it'd be great babe no our kids need to school like this is not you guys are up
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
everybody in this rat race really is it's kind of what the mormons did everybody can do that as you say we could all be mormons if buffalo wild wings would just start and go listen we build a buffalo wild wings i mean you can get wings anywhere though no but i know but buffalo wild wings is like it's like a church yeah it's like they great beer football sundays mma off saturdays but you can make that part of your town that you start yeah my town my town's definitely a buffalo yeah that's your choice to do that what would you put in your town
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Like, okay, ready? So Tom Green gets a town and you buy it for $100,000. You get the whole town and then you get to parcel it off. And a bunch of people come up to you and they're like, you know, they submit and they're like, you know, I'm a blacksmith. I don't know if that's valuable. I can fix computers. I can fix cameras. I'm a veterinarian. I want to buy your town.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
So you start like building your town, right? And all of a sudden, someone's like, hey, man, we have a bunch of corporations that would like to be the first corporation in your town.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I don't know if I made that clear. I love Buffalo Wild Wings.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I've been kicked out of four or five Buffalo Wild Wings just in Utah.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
A bar. Let's start a town. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Let's start a town.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And everyone. Can I soft pitch it? Yeah. Yeah. I was already wondering if you Airbnb your farm. Yeah. But here's the question. Me and you, we buy a town. Okay. Okay. We also opened a comedy club in that town. Sure. Yeah. Right. Yeah. We do it where the old post office was.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
But, but what you do is you Airbnb weekends, like a festival. Right. Exactly. So you're like, Hey guys, we built all these houses. Yeah. Come on in. We're going to do shows Saturday night. We got a musician music coming Friday night. Yeah. We're all going to hang out. It's going to be like fucking great. No bonfires. Yeah. No bats. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful out there too.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Um, I got to tell you, I'm very grateful to know you because I didn't realize how much you meant to me. It's funny. I think I took that for granted in knowing you. I was like, yeah, I know Tom Green. I remember the first time you DMed me, I was blocked by you and I was like, oh shit, what did I do to Tom Green? And then you texted and you're like, I'm so sorry. I don't know how I blocked you.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Yeah, I remember that. I don't know. And then I was like, oh, Tom. But in a weird way, And I find it disrespectful now. I forgot just what a forerunner in this business you've been. And this documentary reminded me of it. And what you're doing today reminds me of it. And what you did in your house in Hollywood reminds me of it. And everything you've ever done.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And I'm telling you right now, if Tom Green says buy a goddamn town, you better buy a town tomorrow because I'll tell you, Rogan's going to buy a town. Fucking Ron White's buying a town. Fucking Mark Maron's. Everyone's going to start buying goddamn towns because you are at the front of everything.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Anytime. I will. I will. I will. You can find his special Tom Green. Tom Green, I Got a Mule is on Amazon Prime. They're all tethered. I saw all three together. The doc series, Tom Green Country, and then obviously the documentary. This is the Tom Green show. This is the Tom Green documentary. And I'm on tour now, so come see me. The Tom Green Comedy Tour.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Get tickets and links to venues at TomGreen.com. Stand-up comedy tour. And you're going to be playing songs from your new album at the end of the show?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Dude, you're a fucking legend. Thank you, man. You too, man. I love you, man. Thank you. I love you. I'm going to go get an IV. Okay, awesome. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And did you have a frame of reference for like who the Backstreet Boys were?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Oh, so when you went into MTV, it was like, they're like, we like your show. Bring it in. We want to produce it.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Martin Short, and you were trying to make them laugh, and it wasn't going over great. And you were like, I thought this would be funnier. And I identify with that so much in that those guys like Steve Martin, and they always had these old school chops. And then you came in with a new style of media that was like, and the only thing I can relate that to
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
So real quick, what was the trajectory? It was Tom Green show then road trip. Yeah. Yeah. Then Freddie got fingered. Yeah. Yeah. Then, then I, when did cancer show up?
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
It was tough for me to watch. Yeah. I remember watching it live. I remember when it happened, I watched it. I remember, this is how fucking into you I was. I remember that you went to University of Florida to do that show, Gators.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And I think you did Gator Growl or some shit. Yeah, yeah. 70,000 kids. Yeah, yeah, it was crazy. And I remember that so vividly, And I remember thinking, because it aired, I knew you were fine. Now as a father, and to watch your parents and you at dinner that night, and you're like, I have cancer. And just to watch everyone be like, he's processing this right now.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
Like he is, he's, he's being funny. He's on camera, but there is still, there's a guy in there with cancer.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
I still remember. I mean, it's like crazy how much... I mean this with respect, but like I... I have two relationships with you. I know you, me and you as grown men. Yeah. And like a friend and a great guy. And then I forget how much I fucking idolized you. Like I totally forgot until I'm watching this. And I was like, I remember, I remember my bum is on my couch. I mean, the bum is on the rail.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
My bum is on the rail. And then I remember Eminem covering it. And then I'm remembering that you got to play with your balls song that you sang.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
is and i this is my big can i because i really think jackass was spawned from your show yeah yeah i really think you were the inspiration for jackass not and i know johnny knoxville came up with it on his own but i think without you we get no jackass yeah but i remember being with bam margera and ryan dunn one time at a and and kids would go do jackass and they didn't know how to do it like they didn't know how to do what they did in the show
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
When I heard you moved to Canada, I was like, there's no way he's retiring.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And then when I saw the doc and everything, I was like, oh, this is a fucking... This is just like Theo moving to Nashville or Joe moving to Austin. It's like, I'm done with LA. What's my next part? It's interesting.
Bertcast
# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
18 years. So, like, I'm doing the math. I live next to Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Their house, they got right after they sold Goodwill Hunting.
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# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And it was, at the time... It was on sale for $360,000.
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# 668 - Tom Green & I Build Our Dream Town
And now that house is probably worth $10 million. Cool, well... So you must have really, 18 years ago, you must have gotten a fucking nut.
Bertcast
# 664 - Marc Maron & I Clear the Air
Cheers to a happier, healthy hour. A happier, healthy hour?
Bertcast
# 655 - Ben Schwartz Teaches Me How to Text
Your boy, Burt Kreischer, is coming to New Orleans Saturday, February 8th. He's bringing Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Fifth. We'll be right back. Get tickets now at Ticketmaster.com.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Could you imagine being on a road trip and just stumbling into a bar in New Mexico and having last call with Doug Stanhope? I actually can.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So you're my Kelly Moran. Just so you know, because like same thing, I was, before I went on tour with you, I was headlining like indie rooms and a couple of clubs were giving me one-nighters. Like Zany's, Nashville, Homebase, love them. They were headlining me, but not a lot of actual clubs were headlining me.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And the first night you posted me on tour, the next day I had offers from like three clubs to do weekends. Are you serious? I'm serious. I went on tour with you like the very end of November, beginning of December, and January 18th, I started headlining clubs.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Dude, that's what, like, I sing your praises everywhere I go just because, like, to a lot of comedians, you are that guy. It doesn't matter how long you've been doing it. It doesn't matter who you did it with or where you've been doing it. It matters that you're fucking talented.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. Especially in comedy. In comedy, we're all addicted to this one thing. So, of course, we're all working our asses. We're like crackheads looking for a fix. We're all trying to get that next thing because we...
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
No. And a lot like the industry part of it is most people can't catch breaks because when you do have an original idea and you show it to like someone in the industry, they're immediately like, oh, well, I would change this, this, this and this. And it's like, well, now you're going to make it just like every fucking else that's out there.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Like, I can't stand out if you're trying to make me look like everybody else or sound like everybody else. It's that's not how it works.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Dude, if you were base for taking your shirt off, you'd have been done after the first one.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I'm not doing it for anyone else. Never wear a shirt. I don't care if you look like Ric Flair now. Don't put a shirt on. I do look like Ric Flair now. No, you were... I was talking with a buddy of mine about this when I told him I was coming out here. Dude, you're... The thing about the no shirt that works is I'm from Florida, just like you, and you are every dad in every backyard every summer.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
You're the cool dad that's just grilling. It's like, oh, I got drinks in the cooler. I got Capri Suns. I got whatever. And you're just hanging out, telling jokes, bagging on kids' moms. It's like, oh, you're my son's friend? Oh, I've seen your mom. She's a whore. You're that guy, and that never gets old because it feels like you're talking to your buddy or your buddy's dad, depending on your age.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
You're just like, oh, this feels like a backyard.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I started drinking again here and there for special occasions when I feel like it. I just used to drink so much. I literally drank so much it took 30 years for somebody to be like, hey, I think you're autistic. As soon as I stopped drinking, they were like, I don't think those shakes are withdrawal, bud.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I never really cared. You did ask me what the first night I was on the tour bus with you, you were like, so you've got something going on, but like... do I need to do anything different? And I was like, no, just be you, man. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Okay, that thing in your brain when somebody tells you not to do something and you're like, now that's all I can think about doing. In autism, it's called oppositional defiance disorder. Autistic and ADHD people have it a lot. If you're out having a good time or something and somebody's like, hey, Bert, maybe don't have another beer. Now the only thing you want is another beer.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Dude, it's so bad for me. Literally, whenever people randomly in a coffee shop or something are like, oh, have a nice day, my brain literally will auto-react and say, you can't tell me what to do. Have a great day. Don't tell me what the fuck to do. Don't tell me what to do. Not going to do it. You do not tell me what to do. You don't know this, but you just ruined my day.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I don't know. My buddy, Jake Ruble, fantastic comic. Like, we were road dogs together for years. But the first time I met his Uncle Mark, within 10 minutes, his Uncle Mark goes, so, like, when we're just hanging out here at the house, you seem almost normal. So, like... like what number are you? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, like what number autistic?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And at first I thought it was just like, like on a scale of one to 10, but he had actually done the research. Cause there's like level one, level two, level three autism. Like they don't pull it up. Like they don't call it like high functioning autism anymore. It's level. I think it's level three.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I was just looking at the... Level three requires very substantial support. That's when so autistic you have to live in an assisted living facility.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I have a bit about that in this new hour where a doctor accidentally told me I had girl autism. Because we were just looking at one of my brain scans and he pointed at one of them and he's like, oh, you have an overdeveloped language center in your brain, which is more common in women with autism. And I was like, the fuck did you say? How dare you?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
No, I have autism and ADHD. So I stim. It's like a social anxiety thing. When I'm walking around in the real world, if I have noise-canceling headphones on, you probably wouldn't notice. Or if you saw me on a plane, you might be like, oh, that guy's just nervous about flying because he's chewing on his fingernails and bouncing his leg.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Literally, the doctor... When I went back to the therapist and was talking to the therapist about it, and we had talked previously about rocks, because if I'm walking somewhere, it can be a Target parking lot. If they got the rocks and the landscaping and I find one, I'm going to keep it. Stop. Stop.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Um, so actually when it comes to rocks, you called Leanne up here. Have you ever like found a rock and then just like giving it to your wife? It's like, Hey, I found this and made me think of you, my daughters, your daughters.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I might want to get Isla on the phone. I think she might have it. So that's an autistic thing called pebbling because it's something that they first saw in penguins. They don't have engagement rings, but they mate for life. So they'll find the shiniest, prettiest stone they can find, like pebble, and present it to their partner.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yes. So I'm on a mood stabilizer and a low dose of Adderall and medical marijuana. I love Adderall. I only do 10 milligrams.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So it sounds like you have inattentive type ADHD. So there's like multiple types of ADHD, just like there's different levels with autism. So there's like inattentive type ADHD. I can't remember the name of the other one, but then there's like combination type autism or ADHD.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Inattentive. That is ADD. ADD, okay. Hyperactive, impulsive, and then combined or combination ADHD. So you might actually have like combination, like the inattentive, like taking Ritalin and being able to sit down and read an entire book. Okay, hang on. I definitely got the first one.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Those are all different stems. Nail biting is a stem. Leg tapping, foot bouncing is a stem. Finger tapping is a stem.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I didn't find out until I was 30, and this is like the era I grew up in. But I come from like a rural part of Florida. Where were you in Florida? Outside of Gainesville, between Gainesville and Cedar Key, a little place called Levy County. Is that near Leesburg? Not too, too far from Leesburg. It's like 30 minutes from Ocala.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And a lot of coke. Yeah. That's why you didn't know you had autism or ADHD. Man, I... You were getting the street version of Adderall your whole life.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. Anything that's defined as a subconscious repetitive behavior is a stem. It's where your brain's... Blowing air through your teeth? Yeah. Oh, I've been waiting years to just welcome you to the team. You're definitely one of us. I stem a lot. I think I stem a lot. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I got my diagnosis by ruining Florida Gator Athletics. I blame me for them not winning a national title again until this year. Cause remember they had the football, uh, not back to back, but like, I think there was a one year gap between Tebow. And, uh, then we had the back to back national basketball championships, Horford and joke him Noah. Um, but I didn't get Noah. I love that guy.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Uh, I wasn't diagnosed until 2019. And I started that process. Um, uh, nurse at a VA down in Cape Coral. Um, was the first person who was like, have you ever talked to anyone about autism? And I was like, no, why? And she's like, cause you got it. And she literally, I was like, what are you? Like, I literally asked her, I was like, did you just call me retarded?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And she's like, no, I called you autistic. And then she was like, my nephew is autistic and you have a lot of the same movements. Cause she just watched me in a busy waiting room, just like shut down and start like, Just very subtly, I was on my phone, but I was just rocking back and forth and foot tapping and kind of glancing around.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And so she sent me a bunch of like these online like questionnaires, like forms that you fill out and it'll tell you like a score. And then it's like if it's above a certain thing, they're like, you need to see a professional. And she sent me four of them and all four of them are like, you better talk to somebody.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Um, and so I started looking for like therapists that specialize in autism in adults because it's so hard to get a diagnosis as an adult. Like they normally diagnose it in children. And I feel like they, I feel like they, I could be wrong, but I feel like they overdiagnose it in children.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
That's definitely you can say they overdiagnose it, but I think I think they overdiagnosed it in like the 70s and 80s. And now it's the one thing parents like the one term they recognize that they can latch on to, because when you talk about autism, most people have multiple diagnoses. OK, right. So like I have autism and ADHD, like Colin Farrell's son, like the he's got he's got legit.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
He has Angelman syndrome, which is like a chromosomal difference. But it's similar to autism and has been linked to autism. But when you talk about severe autism, there's almost always an additional disorder that is what's making it so severe.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So Angelman syndrome is like related to autism, but you remember Shane's joke about the difference between like autism and... Down syndrome.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Cats and dogs. So yes, cats and dogs. So Angelman syndrome is autistic people that are more happy, bright, cheerful, like down syndrome people. And are they community is Colin Farrell's son communicative? Um, not very.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And I, I only bring it up cause I literally just saw a news alert on the way here that said like Colin Farrell is like, uh, like said he wants to like put his son in like a care facility. Um, I guess he's been like raising him at home like this entire time.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Like most people do, but most people either like don't realize it or it's not, like it doesn't affect their day-to-day life, right? But like if the first time I really noticed it, I was a department manager at a Lowe's and I had to give morning meetings. So I would have to like get the whole team together. And I was like, why am I so like shaky?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Okay. You wanted me to tell you when you do more autistic things, that's one of them. When you're like, I do this one thing because it takes all day or whatever. And I use that to distract me and keep me kind of focused throughout the day. You're using an autistic and ADHD people. There's a thing called weight mode where if I have something to do at 3 p.m.,
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I'm so focused on that that I can't do anything else before 3 p.m. So to get past that, if it's like if there's like something going on, that's like an all day thing or like gambling where you're like, oh, I'll just put in like a three bet parlay. And then I have I can watch this during the morning, this in the middle and then this in the evening. And all my day is done.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And why can I not keep my voice calm when I'm talking to a group of people? Uh, and it was the first time I'd really experienced that. Cause like growing up, I was like, I played sports and was in the army. So like when you're part of a team, you like, you mesh with the team. So then it's like, Oh, I don't have a problem talking to my teammates. Cause we're teammates, you know?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Who was the first autistic dude? I don't know the first autistic dude, but I know autism already existed before World War II. Donald Trump or Donald Triplett?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So there's actually a form of autism called Kanner syndrome after this guy, the psychiatrist, not the patient.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Shit! You've got triplets. Yeah, you've got triplets, but only one of them has triplets. I would love to see...
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
The hyper focus on like specific interests. Like he's super into like sci-fi and like comic book, like nerd culture stuff.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I know so much just by proxy about vaccines. I said something accidentally on stage last night just because of the news about them recently. But you saw RFK said he's determined to find the cause of autism. Yeah, I saw that. Dude, tell them we're doing fucking great work here, me and you. We're doing it. We got it figured out pretty much.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
But a lady in the front was laughing, and I said she sounded like RFK having an orgasm. But then it just distracted me, and I was like, oh, RFK. She's trying to find the source of what causes autism, and I was like, how's he going to do that? Retrace his steps?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
But it's when it comes to like strangers or it's like, I don't, I don't know you. I like, you're putting off a vibe that my brain is picking up on that.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Well, they got crucified because... Well, Jenny McCarthy got crucified. Jim Carrey got divorced. He was literally like, bitch, you're crazy.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah, so basically what had happened was she got a recommendation from this British doctor who basically was like, I've done all this research and vaccines cause autism. But that doctor has lost his medical license in the UK because the research was manufactured.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah, they're like, you have to bring your own supplies.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
By the way, I don't know if I... Just some doctor in the fishing section of a Walmart being like, do you think this is equal to stitches? I don't know, man.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
It's like the number one thing that is. Yeah. It started as a therapy homework, as exposure therapy. Really? Yeah. She's like my therapist because when we first started working on it, my executive functioning was so bad. I could barely manage my own life. like to the point that like, um, like I had moved, I had lived on my own.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
But no. That's just like you'd think like an African country would be like demolishing and like sprints or like distance running or whatever. And instead, it's a guy from an island in Jamaica. It's like that circle, that track is only so big for him to practice on, dude.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I know they're not an English country. I haven't traveled international. I'm from Florida.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah, well, it's because our medicine... our medical system is the most privatized and therefore you can make the most money. So if you're like top 1% of your class in any country in the world, you want to come practice medicine here.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
They got to have like Civil War doctors doing like tent medicine, sawing off legs and shit. Old tiles.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I'd lived, I was married before stuff like that, but I had gotten so bad that I had moved back in with my family. Um, And I was working with this therapist and she's like, the only way for you to be like self-sufficient is to get past these couple of hurdles.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Because what happens is when you're autistic, especially when you go undiagnosed for like a large portion of your life, it gets progressively worse because all of the weight of like society and expectation, it just compounds and it gets heavier, right? So I just burnt out my processors and it got to the point where it's like, I can't pretend to be regular for long periods of time anymore.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Been on the dark web a time or two. Before, like, we all knew about the dark web. There was, like, one website that everybody knew about. Ask Jeeves. No, it was weirder.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
You could get to it from Ask Jeeves, but it was like one website where it's just like random, like the darkest videos you could imagine, like horrible stuff, like a dude like putting like a nail through his penis and stuff like that.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah, it's the same like the Jackass movies. I've only watched them once. There's things in there that it's like, I am not watching this multiple times. I got it the one time. I know what happened. I'm good.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I like a good mystery thriller. I like story-driven horror. I don't like gory horror just for the sake of gory horror. Or like body horror, like Cronenberg shit.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. I know what you mean. I'm not into that kind of horror. I like Unbreakable. I like... What's the... Like the Haunting of Hill House. Like those Mike... I can't think of the direct... Mike Flanagan. Yes. I like a lot of the Mike Flanagan horror stuff, like Haunting of Hill House. He just did the Fall of the House of Usher that's based on the Edgar Allan Poe stories. Oh, not the singer? No.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
That's like, so like poorly made as a horror film that it makes it funny.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
There's actually, there's one called summer camp.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. And then is it like, Oh, it is called sleep away camp. Yeah. Sleep away camp. It like the horror is it's very campy, very badly done. You're like, it's like if Hallmark made a Jason movie, like a Friday the 13th and you're like the whole movie, you're like, what is this? And then the end is just like a weird twist end that like literally just made me laugh.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I was like, this is so not what I was expecting at all that it just became funny. Really? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Oh, yeah. It activates your empathetic response. It's like, I can't believe this is happening to someone almost.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Um, I was a nail biter and I was, uh, if you went back and looked at my childhood, just like raw dog that you'd be like, oh, he's ADHD. He's just unmedicated ADHD. Um, but it was, I was, uh, but it was the combination of both. Like I'm not extreme ADHD or extreme autism since I have the combination of both. I'm kind of like moderately both things.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I know what you're talking about. Do you think Mr. Wallace is a bitch, Pulp Fiction?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So I started comedy in Florida. And when COVID happened, I was with this company that was doing like this, like a variety tour out of Tallahassee. What? And yeah, they were, it was a... fi entertainment. It was like a guy that used to do like step shows and like choreograph, like music videos for like T pain and people like that. Um, and he started his own like entertainment company.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So he was doing like a tour where it was like, can I tell you T pain is a little bit into steampunk. Yeah. Did you know that? I didn't know that, but I know he's super into video games, so that doesn't surprise me. Yeah, he's a little bit into video games. Anytime somebody who's into video games is into anything else, you might find it like a Comic-Con. I'm like, yeah, that tracks.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
But so he's doing this variety tour with like a couple musicians. And then he had like I'd submitted and he had picked me as a comedian. And so we all got together in Tallahassee. He'd rented a house for us to stay in and start rehearsing for this tour. And then COVID shut everything down. Yeah. Tour got canceled. And so I used my COVID check.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
to buy a van for $1,200, built a bed in it, and as soon as places opened up, I hit the road. I was doing brewery shows and whatever I could find. The Comedy Club of Kansas City, I did an open mic there. like the club owner liked me. And then he posted like two weeks later, a contest to open for Jason Muse. So I was like, I want to submit for the contest. And he's like, buddy, you don't live here.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And I was like, I don't care. I'll drive. Like I'll drive. I live in my van, not a big deal. And he's like, all right, come do it. And I won that contest, opened for Jay the following week. And I did a 10-minute set, standing ovation. And when I walked back into the green room, he popped his head out of the green room door into that little back hallway.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And he was like, hey, Broseph, can you get on planes and shit? And he just started bringing me on the road. Can you get on planes and shit? Because my set was all about autism and stuff. So he was just like, oh, this retard boy is funny, but I don't know if I'm allowed to take him out. I don't know if he gets a day pass.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
yeah he's been sober for 15 years oh jesus christ yeah he's been sober for a minute yeah telling people never mind no keep no i'm joking i'm joking i'm joking i'm joking so wait so then and then how did and then you met kevin through jason yeah i was i toured with jay and then we were doing shows in new jersey and like the day like during the day of like the friday saturday shows they were doing autograph signings and like a meet and greet at their comic book store in red bank
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So Jay took me with him and was like, hey, Kevin, this is my opener. And Kevin Smith like cut him off and was like, you're AJ, dude. His wife sent me one of your videos. You're so and I was like, what the fuck? And then I was in Colorado and Jay's wife texted me and was like, hey, how quick can you get to New Jersey? We're filming Clerks 3 right now. And Kevin said to give you a call.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And so I went and I filmed for like two days just as like a... I was just an extra, but they gave me like a trailer and shit like I was a star. And then both of my scenes got cut from the movie. Really? Yeah. One of them is my fault. One of them... You yelled the N-word? No. It wasn't that cool. No, I...
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
one of them got cut because they couldn't get the rights to fortnight like to show fortnight so one of them it was like jay and kevin were going to be playing video games in like the video store slash dispensary and so when i walk in they're like playing fortnight and they win and jay starts like dancing and rapping or whatever but they couldn't get the rights to use fortnight so they cut that is that in the movie that's going doing really well right now or is that
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
It's kind of same. I didn't watch Clerks 1 until after I'd seen Clerks 2 because I found Jay and Silent Bob through Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I like Chasing Amy.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And you got two legendary comedians and George Carlin and Chris Rock.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I turned 19 in basic training. So you go to high school. I go to high school around my junior year. My like parents, teachers, everybody kind of came together and was like something's going on. He was like a gifted student in like AP classes. And now everything's slipping. He can't concentrate. He can't stay focused. He can't.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. Have you ever seen him in person? No. Distracting. I just met Matt Rife in person and I wanted to fuck him.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
We get to appreciate Rosario Dawson because of a pedophile.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Rosario Dawson taught the world that it's okay to go ass to mouth as long as you're in love. Wait, what was that in? Clerks 2. Oh, for real?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
was also topanga from boy meets world still got it i think she's still got it yeah man candace cameron byrne from uh full house yeah still got it she had dy i like her you know why and this is bad this is up on why i like certain people this is really up what i'm about to say
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
So my parents pulled me out of public school and sent me to this private Christian school that my brother and sister were already going to because they had um, diagnosed learning disabilities. So they had scholarships to go there. So my parents like had to figure out a workaround. And because I like played sports, I was able to get a basketball scholarship to go to a private school.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I'm going to say... The Australian, Kate McKinnon.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. Kristen Wiig and... God damn it. What's her name? Maya Rudolph.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Um, but that's how I ended up like, like falling through the cracks and like finishing school as I went to a private school where it's like your entire high school is 30 kids and you work out of these little workbooks at your own pace. So just have at it. If you have a question, put your flag up. And I graduated early.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Right? I think most of those guys were gone by the time Will Ferrell got there. Weren't they?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I think it was the... It might have been the Mark Twain Award.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
There has to be. It's too big of like a fandom to not have its own thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like The Walking Dead had its own follow-up television show. Star Wars Minute? Yeah. Yeah, there is. Children of the Watch, Blast Points, Coffee with Kenobi, Sky Talk.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
The only thing I can actually remember studying for was Spanish in high school. And that's just because I didn't trust the teacher because we had a white Spanish teacher.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I've played a couple times. I've never wanted to play more in my entire life. It's fun. It's literally, it's exactly that. Like a dungeon master is giving you like verbal commands and describing what's happening and you get to decide how to react to that.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
If your ADHD could have made it through the first 20 minutes, you'd still be playing.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
That's how I spent my 20s. I would get I was so anxious to go be around people that I would pregame the pregame. I'd have to have like three, four beers at my house before I even went to have beers with my friends, because in case they like if three of my friends brought three other friends, now I have to get to know and impress three strangers. Fuck those guys.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yes, next Saturday, I'm filming it at Kevin Smith's movie theater in New Jersey. The Smod Castle. Smod Castle Cinemas, yeah.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I'm producing it, I guess, but it's Homeless Pimp and his production company, Third Nut Studios. That's great. Dude, I love those guys so much.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. He's, like, in our industry, he's the best comparison we have to, like, a gunslinger. Who else did he do? Did he do Sam Rells? I don't know. I know he did Special Wessie for DeStefano.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Type in homeless pimp. He's done, like, two or three for Nate Bargatze. Like, he did Greatest Average American. He did Shane's. Yep.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Oh, yeah. Soders on the road special. Jared Freed. God damn, he's great, man. Yeah. But he is literally like, do you remember the old like TV Western like Have Gun, Will Travel? Yeah. That's Homeless Pimp. Really? That's those guys. Like I message him. I met him at like Nashville Comedy Festival like three years ago.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. Hasgun will travel. You need a guy to show up and shoot the shit out of something. That's the guy.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
We're going to take it to streamers first. He had that Jared Freed special on there, and I don't know if this is too much inside baseball, but when I was talking with Homeless Pimp and his main production guy, Jason, when I was talking with them about it, and I was like, dude, I haven't gotten a bite from anybody, but I don't know anybody.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
When it comes to industry stuff, I don't know any of those people. But he was like, well, this is what we did with Jared Freeds is we've shot it. We got it all edited. And then like I just told him, I was like, let me sit on it for a month. And then he shopped it for that month and Netflix bought it.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I think comics are fine with it. I think comics are fine with it. I think like audiences, like that's what I get. Like a lot of my comments are like, thanks for putting this out for everybody to see. Cause I've, I've been, I started comedy in 2019. I have five hours on my YouTube channel. I have three written specials and two like unscripted, just rift for like 45 minutes.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Uh, there is my, my buddy Jake that I mentioned earlier is my road dog. Like he doesn't really like, he's got like a little bit of like a Facebook following, but he doesn't have like, he's doesn't have a bunch of standup clips out there. He's not posting and trying to like grow in that way. He's, he literally is like, I like being like the underdog that I show up and nobody knows who I am.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And then I just fucking crush and walk it off.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah, dude, that was like my, I was like opening for Jay for like a year and a half, two years. I'll still go open with him sometimes. I just like December, I went and opened for him in like Louisville. But that was the coolest part about being on the road with Jay is all of these like Jay and Silent Bob, like movie fans would come and show up. And then at the meet and greet table, they'd be like,
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Dude, you probably remember when you were coming up in comedy, you'd get those, I call them checkpoints. When you're playing video games and you get to a save point, it's like, I'm never going to be worse than this. You get that with confidence boosts. And that conversation that night, I'll never forget. Van Andel Arena, I came off stage, you went up, crushed, came back down.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
But that's where like, I agree with you. I wish I could have like waited longer to do specials, but I kind of got like put in that situation where like being on the road with Jay, when Jay was like, I think he was only like two years into standup when he was like, come on the road with me.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
And part of, he was like, come on the road with me because I'm not confident that I'm putting on a good show yet. And I want people to get their money's worth. That's interesting. That's really interesting. Yeah, but his material now is light years ahead of where he was before.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
It's cool to see a guy like that realize, oh, this is different than what I've done before, and then start really taking it seriously and diving into the craft. It's fun watching somebody that you're like, I looked up to you for this thing, and now I respect you for putting the love into this thing that we both do.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah. Well, and that's like most people do just live with it. Most people don't seek out a diagnosis unless it's majorly affecting their life in some way.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I think it's in pounds. Rupees. Rupees. Rupees. Hey, give me 1,600 rupees on the... So you go back tomorrow, tonight? Yeah, I fly back, take a red-eye back tonight to Nashville. Nice. You know red-eyes only go that way, right?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
That does make sense. I'm like in Nashville. I'm like, why can't I ever find like a 10 PM flight anywhere?
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
I appreciate it. And again, I wouldn't have most of it if you hadn't given me a chance. So I appreciate it. Just remember that when I die, say kind things about. always I'm gonna just get them all out of the way while you're alive so once you die I can be like what a piece of shit I love you brother I love you dude that was a great podcast that was very fucking awesome
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
There was a group of people that was coming down to meet you. And somebody held them up in the hallway and you were like, come in here for a minute. And then you and the whole team were like circled up and you were like, dude, I've been doing this a long time and I've never had an opener get pops that big in an arena before.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Do you know what my move is now? Because I had the same problem. The first time I got a standing ovation, I was just like... And I just literally ran off stage. I was like, get me out of here. And now I just... I curtsy. It was like a panic move. I did it the first time. I just curtsied. And now it's every time.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Yeah, we talked about Jenny. She's the manager now. You said she was a bartender like back in your day. She's running it, like booking it. She booked me from like a festival in Chattanooga that she was at. And she came to my headline show and was like, we want you. Um, but dude, some of the most, I got a standing ovation there this weekend. Yeah. The Friday early show standing ovation.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
Um, the two early shows, cause they were the ones I had the most tickets for. And because I'm filming the hour next weekend, I went long on those two. I did an hour 20. Wow. Um, and then the late shows, I cut it down and did an hour on the, on the money. That's great.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
If you don't make the face when you deliver the joke, it doesn't land. And it's like, I don't think that joke's a good joke then. Yeah. One of those.
Bertcast
# 672 - AJ Wilkerson Diagnoses Me with Autism
That's what Ginny talked to me about this weekend. She's like, I'm trying to bring in younger headliners that are going to bring in a new audience and kind of get this area more pumped to... like follow standup again. I love that area.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
There was an NBA player that had this house? Oh, this house? Yeah. He never even lived in it. It's great when you talk to the old people that live next door and they say the most horrifically racist stuff. And they just see it as fact. And then you're like, well, you know what?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Yeah. I know it. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so funny because I heard that. I went, that's crazy. Yeah. And then they said the things they did. And I was like, oh, that's wild. Yeah. And then I started noticing the things the kids did. Like they used to throw eggs at their own house. Oh, okay. There's egg on this house. I still see it to this day.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Why do you throw eggs at your own house? That's not how that game's played. That's not how that game's played. You do it to other people's houses. And I'm like, I'm starting to respect this old lady.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Yeah. And by the way, I'm not going to get in on this, but that's what he called his kids. His grandkids. His grandkids. Yeah, exactly. Look at these monkeys playing around. Look at the monkeys. Our dads had a saying when we would get ready for prom. You talking about the guy downstairs? No, not my dad. My dad lived in North Tampa. Okay. So if we did something...
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I don't know. Yeah, and that's why we're so close. I'm not good at accents. I can only do, okay, how you doing today?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Like for prom, we all went to South Tampa. So my parents were very seldomly, would they make the drive out to South Tampa to watch us get dressed? He'd be like, no, I'm sure you look good. My parents are listening to this going, hold on one second.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
No, they just got hearing aids. So yeah. Or they're listening to us right now because they're in the house.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Yeah, he's great. Yeah, he's so cool. But like Benny Lazera had a saying, you can put a monkey in a tuxedo, but it's still a monkey. And I would often say that. And then the other day, I was almost saying it, and I went, those are people of color. That's not. But it's a saying you would say. You can dress up a monkey, put him in a tuxedo. It's still a monkey.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Or, yeah. What? Just whatever. Just whatever. Just it's like, yeah, there's certain things like I remember doing. Why do you have cigars here? I always have cigars. Do you smoke them in this room? Yeah, I smoke. I'll do whatever I want. Are you allowed to smoke it? My wife didn't fucking tell her what the fucking deal is. She can't hear you right now. She can't hear me. She's not here.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
She's listening to my podcast. She's going to pick up Georgia. Go back to your NBA player.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Can we talk about politics? Can we not? No, no, that's what gets views.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
This is very good. It's really tasty. And you know what I like about a mixed drink? I like it when how quickly it works. It does work pretty quick. What's okay. Hold on. I want to get back to, I want to get back to Portland. It's a quick story.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
For people, for people it is. No, but I don't do our money.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Okay, so you don't pay that when you buy the house. You pay that when you do your payments. You would either pay annually or you add it in. $50,000 a month, so then broken into 12. No, $50,000, yeah, broken in a year. Broken in a year, broken into 12, and you've got to amortize that. Okay, I do know some money words. Hey. Wait, what's my property tax? Yours is less. It is less.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Because it's what you bought the house at. And so wait, we have to pay. You know, I should stop talking because everyone's going to realize just how stupid I am. But who do we pay this tax to?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Can I ask you an adjacent question? Yeah. If I... I was told by a person in recovery who said, you know, you have a problem. And I said, why? Alcohol recovery. Yeah. He was in... Everyone. They love to tell you. They're like vegans. Yeah. They get points for it. I think so. He said, you know, you have a problem. And I said, I think I'm good. And he goes, you think because...
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Yeah, I just got, hang on. I just got back from two weeks in Florida. I know, I missed you by like a day. I had the greatest time in Florida. I love Florida. See, I got, growing up in Florida is like growing up with two gay moms. I met your dad. And then, yeah, and then, and then, and then going out into the world and then, so that way when you meet gay people, I may look like what I look like.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
you're performing in arenas, you're making a ton of money, you have a happy family, you have four houses, five houses, and you have your own tour bus, and you don't drink and drive. And you're happy. And you're happy. You think you don't have a problem. I think those are the markers. One of those would kind of tip the scale. Here's the deal.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I was like, I just was like, no, no, you, I think you nailed it. That's why. Yeah. And I was like, I'm with this lady. She hasn't told me to stop.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
So my heart breaks. There's a guy, I'll say his name, and I know he's passed, but Eric Myers, he was a very talented comedian. I first met him the second week of George's life. I did a stand-up in West Palm with Louis C.K., and Eric Myers hosted, and I featured. Eric Myers was so talented and Louis CK loved him. And his act wasn't something you'd think Louis liked, but Louis just loved him.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
He had great energy. And he told me, I was drinking at the time, and he was like, yeah, I can't drink. I have a drinking problem. And I've always kind of been like, okay, but I mean, how bad is it? And then one time I saw him drinking and I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. You absolutely should never touch it. You know, to be honest with you, it's a different chemistry.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Some people, the chemistry with alcohol changes.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Every night. Okay. But also, also, also every night, every night I get to a point where I go for me, this is a key for going back to keys of how to, how to in longevity and drinking is plan something early in the morning. Yeah. If you plan a fucking... That's pre-punishment. Yeah. That's great. Because you'll say to yourself, I shouldn't drink tonight.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And if I am going to drink, I'm only going to have a couple. You know, when I was doing Three Sheets, and so... Real quick, because I know there's a lot of people that go, wait, I know Zayn. He's been on Bert's show. Wait, I know Zayn. He's been on Fitz... I know Zayn, but they don't realize... What a fucking gangster you are in media.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You had... What was... Is this Burt Kreischer calling me a gangster in media? Give flowers to your heroes. Print it. It's going on my posters. You... I was just saying this to my dad last night. My brother-in-law. They just bought a new house. Couldn't have been about me because your dad looked at me like he's never heard of me before. No, no, no. And he was high. We were in...
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
We were at my sister's new house and we're sitting in there and my brother-in-law got a big screen TV. And one of the screensavers was videos of flying through beautiful areas, beautiful cities, beautiful landscapes. And I said, do you remember when we all got big TVs for the first time, when we all got HD? Oh. And I said, do you remember they had a channel that was just this? And he goes, I do.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And I said, that's still... It was such an interesting moment in media because of our TVs, there were two channels we watched. Yes. And Mark Cuban owned one of them, right?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
They don't know I grew up with gay moms. Okay. But then they drop on you like, just so you know, I'm gay. And I was like, yeah, I grew up in Florida. I got it. Okay. So like all my friends. I'm trying to tie that together. Every one of my friends. But I'm just not that smart. Almost all my friends are Republican, right? But they weren't all Republican. They just became Republican this year.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Cause I know, I know the TV I bought. Okay. And I know where we put it. Oh, you know how you remember that TV, how heavy it was. It was so fucking heavy. And it was still, there were still tubes a little bit, meaning like there was a back to it.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Kevin James. Kevin James, I'm always someone that I note money. Like if you say how much you paid for something, and I think it's not, I'll remember how much you paid for things. Kevin James paid $35,000 for a flat screen HD TV because CBS was shot in HD. And this is, I mean, this has to be, this has to be at the very, very beginning.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
They were shooting shows in HD and he, and we went to his house and it was fucking, Like that. It was just like that. It wasn't- Not much bigger than that. Not much bigger than that. And it was $35,000.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
People don't understand. I feel like an old man right now. You literally would bring people over and turn on the tree fog and go, look at that fucking frog. You guys, come over here. Come to my house right now. I'm not telling you what it is. People would go into Best Buy and sob and go, holy shit. There would be a group in front of the TV. Look at how clear. Look at the waves. They're crashing.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Dude, and it fucked up so many actors because... Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And I get it. We did a comedy special. Me, Al Madrigal, Michael Loftus, Biff from Back to the Future. Tom. And one more dude, and I apologize, I can't remember your name. Pablo Francisco hosted it. Okay. And it was called Five Comics You Need to Know. And I had one of the best sets of my entire life. Okay. Recorded. HD. Uh-oh. Yes? Good? They caked on makeup on us and we looked like clowns.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And they could never air it because we looked like rodeo clowns.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Because what you... I mean, this is like so niche of a history of technology and content was that makeup artists weren't familiar with HD yet. So they were putting on makeup like we're still shooting it in either film or...
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
That happened a lot. Yeah. And so, and so now I grew up in Florida. So my, everyone I ever grew up with, everyone is a Republican. Okay. So when I go to Florida, I speak Republican very easily. I speak Spanish. And then when they all became Republican, they started talking to me like they needed to like work me a little bit. And I was like, no, no, no, no. I grew up in Florida. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
No, there's been one that I do remember that Sean Patton was on where it was two guys going out and doing bars. And I know Dave Attell did Insomniac, but it wasn't about drinking. It was about the activities of the things around. Right. And here's the other thing. Your show predated, didn't predate Insomniac, but it predated all the other ones that showed up.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I think he quit drinking. But what's crazy about your show is that, and I could be completely wrong, but it was extremely underproduced. Meaning there wasn't a producer going- There was one camera. Yeah. Can you imagine that? And it was you and the camera. Yeah. And you were talking to the camera. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And dare I say, and I know I'll get pushback from just about everyone, it was a little bit no reservations before no reservations.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I mean, it's the truth. Anthony Bourdain had complete and total control. 0.0 is the name of his production company. And they brought him in. And Anthony Bourdain said, I don't want to hear from the network. I don't want to hear from you guys. I want to go out in the field with my producer, who he ended up marrying. And I want to just make the show I want to make.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And he would wildly waste their money. He would wildly waste their money. And I know this because I was a travel channel at the time. He would wildly waste their money. He, one time, They did an episode where they went to Rio. And Anthony Bourdain spent, if I'm not mistaken, the majority of the trip trying to recreate the Duran Duran Rio shot of her name is Rio.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And I was in the offices when they got the cutback and they were screaming. He is a problem. He was doing, in essence, because I think Anthony was... I think Anthony was artistic and he was genius and he was brilliant. And I can almost guarantee probably never saw your show, but he was doing what you were doing.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I've been, I've been hip to this shit for a long time, buddy. Yeah. So it's kind of interesting. And by the way, I got Cuban Republicans. Um, I mean, this time around, it makes sense. You know, this is this has been I just said to my dad last night, I think I'm going to get really into politics and start really studying.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
We don't fight in bad, but we don't fight... in a resolution type thing. It's like, it's in a weird way. All of a sudden, if we have a disagreement about something, it turns into the same way about how we fight.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And I said to her, and not when we were fighting, I said, yo, we need to get in therapy as a team to work out, just to get the tools to learn how to communicate better when we're disagreeing. And so that's what we're doing. And I will tell you right now, and I've said this before, and I'll say this again, and I hope this doesn't sound horrible.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Just one stick. into 16 ounces of, whoa, I missed that. 16 ounces of water is better than 16 ounces of water alone. I'm telling you right now, I'm obsessed with hydration. You know that. Honestly, I credit my hydration levels to my sleep scores. I see them together. I kill a liquid IV before bed. And right now, you know what I know? I'm going to get a great sleep score.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Just pull up three sheets. Pull up like a three-sheet something. I don't need the audio. I just want to see again what it looks like. Keep going. I'm so sorry.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Yeah. We'll take another round. I have nothing to do today.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Can I just say that is the silliest thing you guys are doing is allow us to buy back our shit. They were like, no. Because you're not promoting it. You're not. Birth Conqueror is a trip flip. I can make such great content out of that. Or at least pair with me. Pair with me and let me work on something with you where I own something. I mean, so silly.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
What's great is they tell you to take it down. At least you know who wants you to take it down. And then you go, Hey, can we now have a conversation?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
This is a good conversation about a show because you know, this was, I mean like there's there, people don't understand this honestly, kind of really honestly was shot like a vlog was shot like a, I mean it was, it was underproduced in a brilliant way. And then like you, this guy was not cast to sit next to you. He happened to be there. He is not camera friendly. He is. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I mean, I remember we would look at this, you're buying drugs in Jamaica. Yeah. I mean, you can't prove any of this, but it was so it was such a fun show and there was nothing like it. And here's the fucking catch. It was shot on HD. So it was on.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Yeah. You, no slight to anyone who's getting into standup today, who is a celebrity and now gets into standup. No slight to anyone choosing to get into standup. I know that there's a lot of drama about, oh, there's so many fucking standups. It's over. I don't see it that way. I think standup is really fun. I really enjoy it. I really enjoy writing jokes. I really enjoy it.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And I think everyone should enjoy it the same way. Everyone learns how to play the guitar and maybe everyone starts a band and maybe you do fucking shows on the weekend. I think it's fun as fucking shit. I love it. It's my passion. But you started standup. kind of before social media was a huge thing and you started doing brewery tours and, Almost like outside the industry. I still am, yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Well, you still are. Yeah. But you started it way before. Your buddy Steve, right? Yeah. Steve lives in Virginia. Yeah, yeah. Who's now sober. That's right. That's right. That's right. Where are you getting your intel? Continue. You're right. I know two people who are friends with Steve.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You know what's so funny? You know what's crazy about Florida? Oh, my God. I love Florida. What's his number? If and when shit goes sideways for me, like, you know, I beat up Leanne or I get a DUI, kill a child, have sex with a dog, whatever it is, you know?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Not equal, but continue. I can still move to Florida and I'll get love.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Florida is like, Florida really is home. And what's wild about Florida is, you know, we were just, I was just homecoming. Yeah. Whatever. Like two weeks ago. Yeah. A week ago. Yeah. And, uh, Florida is such a small town, ultimately, that as I'm walking through the parking lot, people are stopping me. And Pete, my assistant, always is like, keep it moving, get a picture.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And people always, when they, you know, they'll be like, hey, my brother knows you. All right. And usually in life, you're like, really? And they're like, yeah, he's a comedian. He's from Wisconsin. I think he opened to you for you once. And you're like, yeah. In Florida? Yeah. The second I got into the parking lot, this little girl goes, hey, you know my dad? And I go, really?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
She goes, Clint Brady. And I went, hold on. You're Clint Brady's kid? Yeah. I go, Clint Brady shouldn't have this much of an attractive daughter. Then I take another two steps. And this kid goes, you know my uncle? I said, who's your uncle? He goes, Mike Minner. And I go, hold on, bitch, who's your dad? And he goes, Chuck Minner. I go, I know your fucking dad. And he goes, he's right there.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Would you like to say hi to him? And I was like, and he goes, you know my dad? And I'm like, bitch, I know your grandfather. Like I know, I know, I know your aunt. I know your other uncle. I met your mom. I know everyone in your fucking family. And so it's crazy. But like in Florida, if someone says they know me, they actually do. Yeah, it's a good chance. Yeah, exactly.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Joey Diaz did. Okay. Joey Diaz slept in Mattables. Wow. It's got to be almost 10 years ago. Okay. 10 years ago, I'm guessing.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You still did that on your, if I'm not mistaken, you're the reason I know Tito's. I've heard a guy talk about Tito's, but you did a watermelon infusion with Tito.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
with poro so it's vodka texas made it's the number two tax this isn't because i can taste a little bit of it it's not uh corn based obviously is it wheat you know i don't get into the details about that saying it's fucking it's wheat i just it's uh it's triple distilled you know what i read it on the bottle Let a guy start a company. I am Brewster's Million.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I have too much money and I'm not that intelligent. Oh my God. I can't believe you just sponsored my podcast for a year. I can't believe that I feel like sometimes I started a vodka. I think I'm the only one drinking it. Tom doesn't drink it. I'm the only one drinking it. I think I'm going to drink all the bottles we made and at one point they're going to go, Burt, would you like to do more vodka?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
We ended up doing a podcast. With your dad? Yeah. Okay. It was Easter morning. Wow. Joey Diaz, back when everyone lived in LA. I'm still shaking. I need to have a drink. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen those people on Instagram who really shake and they have to have a drink to stop shaking? That bums me out.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Oh, I saw you at Costco buying it. Oh, I bought a lot at Costco. I bought it for people in Costco. I bought it. I gave people $20. I was like, we're moderately priced vodka. So good. And I'd put a bottle in their thing and give them cash and go, go buy my vodka. It's about story.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You're like, he was with fuzzy Zeller, if I'm not mistaken. And fuzzy was like, buddy. Yeah. I think you gave him a Snickers bar. I have a friend. I have a friend who, uh, here, this, I, uh, I have a friend who picked me up at the airport. I won't say his name. I won't say his name. I think everyone could probably guess it. Okay.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Whether you're new to cigars or a seasoned pro like the B-Man, Cigars International makes it easy to find the right cigar with helpful guides, staff reviews, and expert advice. And that expert advice comes in so handy. I went to their site, and I'm a ring gauge guy, and I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Yeah, but I don't think, you know what, can I tell you, I think I get, I wonder if I, do you think I'm comedian first or do you think they call me podcaster?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I know a guy who just took podcaster out of his title because he just didn't like the whole podcasting scene.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
It's like 140 a year. Okay. And you figure there's 346 days in a year. Mm-hmm. By the way, at least. At least. Yeah. There's at least three days a year. So you're doing, you're working. That's almost every Thursday, Friday, Saturday. That's almost every Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And he picked me up at the Tucson airport and then he drove me to a hotel room. Okay. And he sat down. I really didn't know what was going on. We walked into the hotel room. We sat down at the table in the hotel room, and we proceeded to have a couple beers. And I was like, okay. I thought we were going to your house. He goes, we are. He goes, I'm just getting my nerves steady for the drive. Okay.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You do. You can. You can. I would love to tell stories about my time on Travel Channel. They're almost unbelievable. And they're almost like, I think they're, you know, it's so funny. I never posted anything. I know what you said.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Let me go back and apologize and say I should put you as comedian first because when I was on Rogan a lot, I think a lot of people thought I was Joe's friend who happened to be on the Travel Channel. Okay. And so when they saw my first special or when they saw me do stand-up on the road, they were like, dude, he's fucking incredible. And a lot of them didn't know I was a stand-up. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And then when they saw that I was better than Tom Segura, they were like... whoa, how did this guy who just started so much better than this overweight disabled comedian who's been doing it since he was, since he wasn't pretending to speak Spanish.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And so, but what's so funny is like, and then I go, and it's always like, I hate when people mention Van Wilder because I go, I didn't have anything to do with it. And I, I want to be bigger than that thing so that it's a sidebar. By the way, you know what's great? Is he getting us cocktails?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I'm getting into linen pants. Keep going. And then do not. Hold on. Do you have to be somewhere? Okay. Good. You remember I told my wife I was going to get drunk. I was going to get drunk regardless of what you had. Hold on. Hang on. Just so we know, push Jennifer to when I can do it. Okay. I'm here.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Can I take a pivot? Yes, but may I finish? Please, I'd love to hear it. I hate to say
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Sir, I object. Yes, I object to this line of questioning. What if he was a white man? Mic drop.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
So we had like three beers, and then he goes, I'm good to drive now.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You know, there's bars. But all right, what am I? No, no, yeah. Okay, in all fairness, it very possibly could have been in the bar in the hotel room, which looked a lot like a hotel room. Like just an extra hotel room that they turned into a bar. Okay. And he had a couple beers to steady his nerves for the drive home. Wow. And I was like, I was like, wow.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Well, then I think you are a real comedian because none of it is like our old specials. Yeah, yes, exactly.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Google Gene Hackman. He was 30 years old when he enrolled in Pasadena Playhouse to pursue acting. Yeah. His first role was when he was 52. Yeah. Um... He's 93.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
So, do you know what we're talking about? This isn't one about sucking your own dick, right?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I met people on that podcast that I know to this day.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Jordan Harbinger. Oh, yeah. One of the hardest I've ever laughed in my entire life with an individual with Jordan Harbinger.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I always have, I'm a canary in the mine kind of guy. Okay. So I look at canaries in the mine and go, all right, if that guy's still going, That's a good barometer.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
So I said, come to my podcast. I got to play something for you. Cause this guy, his buddy of mine, Aaron Weber just posted this yesterday and it made me laugh. Do you know it? Oh, for real? Here, watch this. This is my buddy Aaron Weber, who's out of Nashville. This drink is fantastic. He's just had a baby. He's been on fully loaded. The cans are there. Nice. He posted this, and this is so funny.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
It's so funny. That's so good. When I watched it, I went, oh, yeah. I could never say to Danny Trejo, I would love to talk to you for like an hour. Yeah. Just me and you. Yeah. He'd be like, why? Yeah. But you do a podcast and you get to talk to people for two hours. That's it.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
He used to open for Nikki Glaser and I thought he was cool as shit.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
If it wasn't you, I want to think that it was you. Can I tell you my only- At like four in the morning. Can I tell you my only- Regret from that day? Recollection of that. And I just had it five minutes ago. Yeah. Do you remember that?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
We got up, we were, maybe I was smoking a cigar or we had, we were drinking, we were drinking IPAs and I was, and it was like early in the morning and the, whoever came on next was like, who the fuck talked into this microphone? Smells like shit. And you were like, it was Bert. And now sometimes I'll smell the microphone and go, God damn it, man. I just fucking, I spit in it. I was here.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
No, no, no. This is years ago. Oh, I was like, I was like, I was like, that's so funny. I barely listen usually, but I heard that and I was like, wait, I was at the Superbowl. Is that my camera?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Can I tell you what I really think the secret sauce is? And I hope this gets clipped out for every hard partying motherfucker. Okay. Here is the secret sauce. Okay, play it on me. Okay? I'm telling you everything you need to know. I'm giving you the cheat codes to the world. Number one, don't drink early in the day. I'm breaking that right now. I'm breaking that right now.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I'm a Glass Half Full motherfucker. You are. Hardcore. You are. Unless I'm talking about myself.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Really? I get kind of punitive with myself at times. Like I'll beat myself up about things.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I don't think so. I know there's a lot of people that I know in my business who think they're the greatest thing that ever was made. And I wish I had that. Oh, no, no, no. I almost look up to them.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Where I go, I'm just dumb enough to think I can do this.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And then I go, I do it. And I don't think, I don't think. I go, no, yeah, you can do that, right? And everyone's like, I don't know. Can you? And I was like, yeah, yeah, let's do it. There you go.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Okay. You cannot drink alcohol. No, I get really lost in percentages. Okay. Is this for the 100% that are getting cancer? That's a great question. Or is this for everyone? Because there's a lot of people that won't get cancer. And are they looped into that 95%?
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I'm breaking that right now. Cheers. It's great to have you. Cheers, brother.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Day four would be the day I think would be. So I do a mimicked fast every half a year, every six months. What is that? It's called Prolon and it's soups. Yeah, which my wife and I did that. I loved it. Yeah. I love it. And you lose a bunch of weight. You lose a bunch of inflammation. Yes. Like it's crazy. Your body just shrinks. But for me, on day five, I start going.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And I always do it like I always pony it up to a trip. And so I end up drinking day, like evening, day five. Okay. But I always sit there going, God damn it, I have no anxiety. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
That's good. Don't drink early in the day. That's very good. Number two. What's early? Vodka. Vodka. Vodka is, I've been a vodka drinker. I said it to Matthew McConaughey. I was on a plane. I was getting up. It was early in the morning. I think we're flying out of Philly. Lady said, well, can I get you a drink? I said, a Heineken. Gorgeous man. Perfect cheapo sitting next to me.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I could do that. Hold on. If I just do hours, I could do it.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I think that counts. I guess shouldn't. I think you're allowed to. Okay. Green tea. So I did, I did, I used to do a 29 day fast and then a, but it was a mimics fast. Yeah. So it was like dietary, like restrictions, lower, low calories. And it was like, well, you couldn't eat was like no bugles, no bugles, no, no Sour Patch Kids. Yeah. No Kit Kats, no McFlurries. End of list.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And you have as much Whataburger as you wanted. Okay. It sounds, yeah, it's a very Texas. Is someone vacuuming downstairs? You can only eat from Bucky's. I could do a fucking convenience store fast. Bucky's cleanse. A Bucky's cleanse. See, that's the kind of content I'm interested in.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. What's up, everybody? I've got some shows coming up.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
It's crazy what gets views. You know what? I shot a video the other day and I said to Leanne, well, it's crazy. It's got a million views, but only 36 comments.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Oh, I guess the ones that do have comments is when they want to tell you you suck. And if you do it, if it's funny, then they're like, then they just share it. They just go, it's got a lot of shares. Yep. Yep. Dude, this has been a great podcast. I'm going to go say hi to my daughter. I think she's, she'll be here any minute. She's here at the airport. I'm just going to hang out.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
please i'm making uh thanksgiving day cocktails yes i'm having a zoom with a stylist and uh and i'm doing 15 ad reads do me a favor show her your pants and then she might give you your money back whoa that was a mic push that was a it's a new thing mic drop fuck that hey guys welcome to the fucking 21st century is it the 21st century This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
He said, you know what? I might get a drink. I said, what are you getting? He goes, can I get a double vodka and soda? I said, interesting. Seems like an aggressive drink for the morning. And he was like, oh, it's in my contract. I was like, in your contract? He was like, yeah. His life contract? I'm a male model.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
That's all I'm allowed to drink. Doesn't bloat you. Keeps you healthy. No wrinkles. Okay. I went, take my Heineken back. I'll take a double vodka and soda. And that was the day. Number two. Number three. Four liquid deaths right before you go to sleep. Okay. Four waters, four liquid deaths. These right here, four of them. This is 19 ounces.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You need roughly 80 ounces of water right before you go to bed. How many times do you pee in the middle of the night? Once, once. I got a bladder like a camel. Yes, you do. I wake up at eight o'clock and I pee. You don't pee in the middle of the night? Oh, not at all. Dude, that water goes into you, and it works the poison out of your body, and it's working.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
It's going, hey, we got a lot of shit to do before we get urinated. I know what's happening right now, but I'm hypnotized. It cleans you, cleans you, cleans you. You wake up. Your heart rate's lower. It's steady and low through the entire night. And then when you wake up, you have to pay the piper and go to the gym. And you got to work hard and you got to break a sweat. Your lungs got to burn.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You've got to feel it. You got to get on the treadmill. You got to do whatever you can. And I actually said to myself, I wouldn't mind sitting with a trainer and finding out a hangover workout. The thing that floods it out. Okay. I can tell you bad exercises. You're a workout guy. Sometimes. Sometimes. You've been working out longer and harder than I have without a doubt.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You were one of the first CrossFit guys I ever met. Yeah. You were into CrossFit very early. Yeah, I was. My back thanks me. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
It's working. I know. It's great. Great. It makes your dreams better. I'm excited. I had the fucking wildest dream last night. Hold on. Can I just share a dream with you real quick? I was walking through Asia, like Japan. And it was raining, but it was drizzling a little bit. And I had bags with me.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
And I heard a car full of Asian girls doing like the, they were listening to Asian music, like Psy or whatever that guy's name is. And I was walking to their beat and they were watching me and they were like, God, he's cute. And I was like, I'm older, but whatever. And one of the girls said, can I take you to a party? So I said, sure.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
February 8th in New Orleans at the UNO Lakefront Arena for the big game. That's Saturday night, not Sunday night. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil and huge surprise guests. Then in Vegas in March, 21st and 22nd at Resorts World Theater. And finally, oh, Canada. I'm coming to you. Winnipeg, Halifax, Calgary, and Vancouver.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
So I got into an elevator and when we got in the elevator, everyone was stretching. And I was like, what are we doing? And they go, are you ready? And they're like, it's not going to be bad as they say. And then it went dark and devils attacked me. And I woke up screaming, went back to sleep immediately. And we were all chained up in a field. I always reenter dreams. Okay.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
I went I was in a field and I was locked up next door and I had a gun on me and a cell phone and and we were it was almost like it was almost like uh like um squid games where there was levels so the people that had already been through our level they were allowed to have cake and they were on the other side of the fence the fence was really short but we were chained up and I was at the very end so I only had one arm chained up and I was like let's and all the fucking guards were hot ass chicks in dominatrix outfits with spears that could electrocute you and and
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Somebody could, but I don't know if I buy that. I don't really. That was the dream that kind of woke me up for the morning. So the second time I woke up, I tried to go back to sleep and I couldn't get back into it. Yeah. I couldn't get back into it.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
It was, dude, I felt the devils attack me. I actually, can I tell you what's crazy? Mm-hmm. I actually looked at my whoop on my phone to see if my heart rate spiked, and it did. At that minute, my heart rate spiked to like 120 beats per minute in the middle of sleeping. The devils are Hollywood.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
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Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
When you're keto, if you know what I'm talking about, you don't get to sit with something sweet and kind of snack. And I love this stuff. These things are They almost feel like you're cheating. Look at that. Look at that, right? And on the back. I feel like I'm in first grade and I'm at the bake sale. Get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com slash birdcast.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Or you can find Magic Spoon on Amazon. Look for it on Amazon or your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.com slash birdcast for $5 off. This show is sponsored by Acorns. Last year, Save More Money was the most popular New Year's resolution in America. Probably all over the world, I imagine. Everyone wants to save more money.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
It's me, Whitney Cummings, Miss Pat, and Derek Stroop. Go to burpburpburp.com for all of them. For every hard partying mother... Okay. Here is the secret sauce. Okay, play it on me. Number one, don't drink early in the day. I'm breaking that right now. I'm breaking that right now. It's so funny when... Can I do this in an accent? Please.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Clearly, a lot of us feel like our money is slipping through our hands, but it's not your fault. The whole world is trying to spend your money. There are streaming apps. There's delivery fees. Dude, I saw a tip on a self-checkout machine. This is crazy. The list goes on forever. Good thing there's Acorns.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
Acorns makes it easy to start saving automatically and investing your money so it has a chance to grow for you, your kids, and your retirement. And you don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that fits you and your money goals, and you don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you invest with the spare money you've got right now.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You can start with $5 or even just spare change. I think that's the coolest thing. On all your spending, we were just talking, everyone in this office uses this. Everyone says, oh, they just do the roundup thing. You're never going to miss the roundup thing. How often do you put those things in your pocket? And back in the day when we used coins? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 659 - Zane Lamprey & the Buc-ee’s Cleanse
You'd put them in your pocket or you'd dump them into a water bottle. That's what this is, technically. Last year, Halston, who works for me, saved over $1,200. So head to acorns.com slash BurtCast right now or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Why are you and Mel still here? That's a great question.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
as we're walking into the entry there's a big bunny rabbit it was robert the cook and i farted you remember that no and this little girl little buddy goes daddy the easter bunny farted and the easter bunny starts pointing at me he goes like this i said robert shut up
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I'm wondering if I'm going to get in trouble with the bar talking about it, but he's dead, I guess. Yeah. You mean he had a little bit of a car accident. Fender bender, I would call it. Yeah. And he told the other driver, I'm going to go back to my house and get my driver's license. And he took off.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, I get a call from him on a Friday night that the sheriff wants to come by with the other driver to ID him. Yeah. Because the other driver, when he took off, got his license number. So it was a dealer tag.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, so I go. It's Friday night. Friday night. I tell mom I got to run to the dealership.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It was like at six o'clock because his secretary was still there. Yeah. So he said, so I come over there. I said, what's going on? He said, well, the deputy's coming. He says, I had a little accident. He said, the deputy's coming with the other driver to ID me. I said, okay. And I'm sitting there thinking, and I said to him, do me a favor. He said, what's that? I said, sit on the couch.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And he goes, why? I said, just sit on the couch and let me sit at your desk. And I said, but don't say a word to anyone other than hello. I don't want you talking at all. So he goes, oh, okay. So the deputy comes in with the other driver. And the other driver walks in and he goes, that's him. And points to me behind the desk. And I stood up and I introduced myself to the deputy.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And the deputy says, you're not Mr. Hare? I said, no, that's Mr. Hare on the couch. And he looks at the other driver and said, are you sure? And he goes, well, I thought it was him, but so the deputy left. Yeah. I should have billed Dorney for that one. You should have billed. But I also had the Lemon Law case with Ernie. That's another call I got. It was a Thursday night. I get a call at home.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He says, my Lamborghini is a Lemon, and I have to go before a panel of three people for the Florida Lemon Law. And he said, it's a Lamborghini. He said, I paid $120,000 for it. Now, this is in 1992. It's like 30 years ago. Yeah. You know how much $120,000 is today? Yeah. It's a nice car. So I go, Ernie, he says, well, I'm doing it myself, but now I think maybe I should have a lawyer.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So he said, can you show up tomorrow? I said, yeah, sure. So I show up. You know how much I love that shit. So it went the entire day. And at the end of the day, the panel of three declared his Lamborghini as a lemon. Got all his money back, 120 grand less his mileage or something. Now, Larry's at home because we had a party to go to that night.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Larry's at home watching TV, and he's watching NBC News. Eric Utley was a reporter. And Larry's at home, and he says, We just learned the largest Lemon Law case in the country was just rendered in Tampa, Florida with attorney Al Kreischer. Well, I go to the office on Monday. I get calls from Los Angeles, Vegas, Chicago. Will you handle our Lemon Law? I have a Bentley that's bad.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I'm going, holy, I don't want to do this. I didn't want to do Ernie's. Now, now, Connie's going through that. Yes, he's got a lemon.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, I love doing real estate. Yeah. I just didn't care. I didn't care. I did well in court because when you're insecure, as I have always been in court. And myself. You prepare more. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I'm not sure you love pressure, but you perform best under pressure.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It was a slip and fall. I represented the guy who fell at Busch Gardens.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, I saw it in baseball. That's what I saw. I didn't see it in academics. I kept looking. I asked mom, maybe I don't see it. Actually, that's not true. You're a senior Jesuit. If you had an A average, I think you're exempt from final exams, right? Yeah. And you're exempt. So maybe it's true. But, you know, in baseball, you know, I coached you since you were like 8, 10 years old, whatever.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
At Busch Gardens. I sued Busch Gardens. Yeah. And when they had pictures of where he fell. And they had like Big Bird holding the pictures in front of my jury. I'm going, Judge, that's a little bit biased there.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah. And I could always count on you making contact. You always hit the ball. I never thought you'd strike out. I always thought he's going to hit the ball, whether it's in play and he gets a base hit or whether it grounds out. But I said, he's going to hit the ball.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I'll tell you two of mine. I'm trying to think. I mean, my favorite time was when I coached you. Yeah. Because it was so much fun. And I remember on one occasion, which I think was probably most sticks in my mind the most, is we used to have practice, what, two nights a week? And so we were getting ready for a game on Saturday morning, and we sit there as a group.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And the parents were kind of intense at times. And Drew McCall said to me, hey, coach, because we sat down and we were struggling a bit. Drew says to me. I remember this. He said, coach, we're still kids. And I said, Drew, I know that. He goes, no, no. I watch cartoons before I come here. And I said, Drew, what's your point? He goes, you don't treat us like kids. You treat us like adults.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He said, there's a lot of pressure you're putting on us. And I thought, I said, the damn kid's right. Yeah. So from that point forward, we never had another practice. We had scrimmages. Yep. And I would pitch, everyone would get to hit, and everyone would get to run, and we'd have like a scrimmage instead of having practice, instead of hitting ground balls or fly balls and doing all that nonsense.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
We just had scrimmages twice a week and a game on Saturday. And we ended up winning the championship, getting into the All-Stars.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And, man, we started winning like crazy. Well, we did. What I did is after every game, and we had like an evening game on Saturday. And after every game, we would go to the pizza place in Carroll with Larry's Pizza. Was it Larry's Pizza? Yeah. That's the guy who owned it was Larry. I don't know what the name of the pizza place was.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And every night we would go there and I would buy pizza for the team. There's only, what, 12 kids? Yeah. And their parents and whoever came. And it cost me like 20 bucks or something, but it became a ritual. And I remember we lost a game. And I think Drew came up to me. He goes, hey, coach. I said, what, Drew? He goes, I guess no pizza tonight, huh? I said, hell, do we have a pizza, bud?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But that was a ritual. And that was fun. Drew McCall was an interesting kid. You know, yes, because he loved reading.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Like, who wants to sue Busch Gardens? Everyone loves Big Bird, right? I said to Larry, I said, this is not going well. But we go outside after. Yeah, that's about how the verdict went, too.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
No, it was, I still see some of those kids. I don't remember their names, but they'll come up to me at a restaurant. They might be a waiter or something. This is years ago. And, hey, coach, how you doing? Those were great years. That was so much fun.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, unfortunately, you know, Howard sat and died. He was a wonderful guy. Yeah. Valerius. Tom? No. Sandy. Sandy passed. Yeah. I don't know about Tom. I don't know. But, yeah, they were nice family members.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I don't remember him. I mean, I remember him, but not at church.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It's a good place to grow up. It's a wonderful place. I love Tampa. And even now, I mean, with all the kids in California, which the kids, you know how close mom and I are to not only you and your two sisters, but the grandchildren, your daughters and Coddy's kids. But I just hate leaving Tampa because it's so comfortable for us. We have a comfortable home.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I've been playing golf with people there for 30 years or more. Friends are there. My clients are friends. It's hard to leave. Yeah, I can't imagine. You know, if we did come to California, everyone here has got their own life. They're all working. I mean, we wouldn't be... When we come here for a week or so, we see everyone every day, and it's nice.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, well, it's not so much the imagination. It's the truth that eludes you.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You were not very responsible at 26. No shit, Dad. You noticed that too? I thought it was just me. Mom said he's doing great. I said, doing what?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Hey, Bert. Good morning. And you said, hey. And I said, happy birthday. And I said, what the fuck are you doing today? You said, well, I'm partying. I said, are you shitting me? And then I went there. I tried to encourage you to get a job and get on stage. I said, you're up there to get on stage. You're not getting on stage. What are you doing? What are you doing with your life?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I thought you wanted to be a comedian. And then he proceeded to get a job hawking people for the show and got on stage and he got recognized.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, let me say this. When you talk about Georgia, when you were a Jesuit, I knew you would drink. But I had a terrible fear you would drive. Yeah. So I said to you on a Friday night as we're having dinner before you go out, if you go out and drink, I won't get upset with you. But you call me and I'll pick you up. I don't want you driving. As long as you do that, I will not be upset with you.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah. Although I'm not telling you to go drink and not sanctioning it. But at the same time, if you do drink, call me. I'll pick you up. Any time of night, I'll come get you. And I won't say a word to you. That was on a Friday night. So I go to bed Friday night, and at midnight, the phone rings. And I go, hello? And he goes, hey, Dad. I said, hey, Bert. And he goes, I need a ride.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I go, oh, fuck me. Where are you? I'm over on West Shore. I go, oh, it's Jimmy Cook's house.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yes. Oh, shit. West Shore? Are you kidding me? So I get in my car at midnight, and I drive to West Shore, wherever the hell you were, put you in the car, and as I promised, I wouldn't say a word to you. I didn't say a word to you the entire drive. He brought a bucket and a towel. I didn't want you throwing up in my car.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Turn on some music. But that was... I mean, you need to understand your kids will do things that maybe you don't want them to do. But the other time, your focus should be on their safety.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, I heard that. I think it was Benny Lazaro. I think Benny told me. Because it's very distracting for everyone to see. It would be a long ash and he'd sit there as the guy was giving his closing arguments. The ash would be like three inches long. Everyone's going, forget what he's saying. Let's watch that stogie. That's burning. God. When was the last time you were in court?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, I'm a cocord. Right? I said to Gigi, I said, how can he be spending $150 a month on gas? He's on campus. He's in a fraternity house.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I think I brought you. For real? It's got to be 20 or 30. Well, you know, I showed up about 10 years ago. I went to court and the judge said the same thing. He says, when's the last time you were in court? I said, judge, it's been a long time. Yeah. No, it was, you know, when I first started practicing. I was there all the time because I did anything to make a dollar.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I mean, $150 a month was a lot for gas back in the 90s. 90s, yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, so do I, bud. Calling cards were a big one. Do you remember calling? Oh, wait a minute. Do you remember the time? Hold on. Let's talk about Europe. He didn't realize the idiot that calling from Europe to talk to his girlfriend or whoever the hell you call for 800 bucks a month.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yes, I can't remember. North Carolina. Yeah, North Carolina Bank, National Bank or whatever it was. NBNC or something. Yeah, something like that.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Oh, oh, yeah. One of the women at the bank called me. Yeah, it had to do with oysters. Eating sweet pussy. In the memo. For eating sweet pussy. Oh, yeah, the bank called me and said, you know, I just processed your son's check. I said, oh, how much is it? She said, that's not the issue. I said, what's the issue? It's the eating sweet pussy that we found. We found that offensive.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Checks were a big deal. Well, they always called because I was overdrawn.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Now I remember that vividly. You know. Those years were great. I remember when you graduated from Florida State. Was it six years? Six and a half. Whatever. It cost me a lot. It did not. Well, I remember you were walking up. It was like 50 bucks a class. Back then it was like 60 today. Oh, yeah. So we're at graduation and I'm sitting next to your mother.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I said to her, maybe I'll surprise us with a PhD. He's been up here long enough. And then I see you and Mark Dunn walking up together. Yeah. And you were the last two they called.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Then when I had choices, I stopped going. Yeah. It's a bit stressful. You hated it. No, I more than hated it. I mean, the responsibility drove me insane. Really? Especially in a domestic relation, divorce with child custody. I mean, you know what?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, he asked you. He did ask you. Yeah. Where's the party tonight? Oh, yeah. He goes, I'm going to dinner with my parents and my sisters.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He turned out to be a wonderful running back. He was a wonderful guy. Did you see that Charlie Ward? is now my memory. He's been hired by Florida A&M as a coach. No. And I'm thinking it's probably basketball. It's got to be basketball. Yeah. It's got to be basketball. He was so amazing. He was before his time. If he was on that...
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He, on third and long, that guy did it every time. He was fantastic. We went, your freshman year, we went to all the games. Yeah. Not all of them, but a good number of them. By the way, one of the games we brought, I remember Maglione was with us. Yeah, I definitely remember this. And we couldn't get a hotel room on Parents Weekend. So we rented a RV. Is that what you call them? Yeah, RV.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And we drove up, Kathy, Fred, Mom, and I. And I don't remember the girls going with us. Annie was already up there. Oh, was she? And Coddy had to come. Okay, I guess so.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
No, we parked at the stadium. And mom and I go to bed as normal, like 9 o'clock. And then we hear you and your clowns in the RV with us. And I hear you saying, keep it down. I don't want to wake up my parents. And I look at mom and I go, was he fucking nuts? So the next thing I know, I feel the thing rocking. I said to mom, I said, where the hell is he taking us? She said, I'll just go to sleep.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You go there and you lose something and your client is going to be without the benefit of whatever you're seeking, whether it's a judgment for money or divorce or child support or custody. I mean, it's a lot of stress.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So I wake up the next morning in some parking lot in an apartment building. I have no idea where we are. You drove us someplace and abandoned us. Mom, when I get up, I said, where are this? Before, like, Google. There's no cell phones. You have a triple A map? She goes, no, I don't have a triple A map. I said, where the hell are we? And I think we ended up calling you and said, let me come out.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
God. I mean, when I talked to mom about high school. 1966. You asked about my Volkswagen? Yeah. I had a 1966 Volkswagen convertible. I sent you pictures. And that seems like a lifetime ago. It is a lifetime ago, isn't it? Some people never feel lucky. Think about all the people that you've lost in that time. Well, my dad in 65. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
God, God bless Jumbo Elliott for giving me a scholarship to Villanova. Uh, cause my, you know, my mom and dad were middle-class folks. Uh, my dad died when I was a junior in high school and, uh, Easter this time in, in just before Easter, Jumbo called, I had won the, uh, The meet of champions in Philadelphia. They had a big race in Philadelphia in 1966. It was in like March.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It was in Franklin Field with the University of Pennsylvania. And they had South Jersey, Delaware, and Philadelphia runners. And I won the half mile. I actually set a record that that was the best half mile I'd ever run. I set a record. And a week or two later, I was home for Easter.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
and jumbo elliot i was out running i'd say when when i got back my mother said to me coach elliot called he wants you to call him back collect because back then you long distance charges so i call him back and he goes uh al i'd like you to run for villanova next year and i said oh man that's that's like a dream come true villanova was the best track college in the country.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
They were Olympians on every, every team had Olympians on it. Marty LaCroix was on it the next year. And I mean, just phenomenal. So I said to Jumbo, of course, I didn't call him Jumbo, Mr. Elliott. I said, well, I haven't been accepted yet. He said, don't worry about it. It's not an issue. I said, oh, good. Good to hear. But that got me through college.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You know what... My mother was a little goofy. She waited for my dad to be dead 40 years before she handed me his diary from World War II. And it's half the size of a cell phone. It's a little leather booklet. You have the actual diary. I have it at home. You'll have it when the time's appropriate. But I said to my mother, I said, God, I've never seen this.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Oh, yeah. A lot of, you know, practicing law, real estate's a little different, you know. But when you're general practice or do litigation of some sort, it can be very disturbing. I remember talking to a very prominent divorce attorney in Tampa, and he says he took like one week every month off. And I said, good Lord, how come? He said, it's so stressful.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
She said, well, I thought maybe you should have it. And I'm like 60-some years old, and I'm reading the diary. And I read one of the entries. I read every page of it because it started out with his, you know, going to England. You know, he went from he was in Alabama, ended up going on a liberty ship to England. How big were the liberty ships?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
My dad, that's the only thing my dad would talk about with the war. Because I asked him, I said, what was it like? He refused to talk about the war at all. I think he had a lot of issues. PTSD? Yeah. Back then, they didn't know what it was, but he had a lot of issues. And I talked to him, and he goes, the Liberty ships. He says they were overcrowded.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
They built a Liberty ship in like a week because they had to move all these troops to England. Yeah. World War II Liberty ship. Yeah, and he said it was overcrowded, and he said virtually everyone on the one was seasick because they were so small. They're going across the Atlantic. And in reading about them now, like a third of them sunk. Really? So he gets to England.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Then he writes in his diary, we're going to some place called Omaha Beach tomorrow. And I'm thinking, he didn't know?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, he went to England and he was there for a while. And the invasion was delayed because of weather for several days. And then he went and he was on the beaches in Normandy. And I didn't know that until I was in my 60s. Wow. And I thought, my God, what he went through.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Because if you watch, I had, when I went, first year I went to Malvern, I had to read books, one of which was about World War I or World War II invasion. And it just overwhelmed me. I remember my father watching, going to a movie to see The Guns of Navarone. And he came back from the movie and he was visibly upset. Really? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
No. He carried that with him. I mean, when we went to church, he couldn't sit in one of the pews. He stood in the back. Plus the phobia. I bet. This is a cheery podcast. What else should we talk about? Let's talk about you.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Oh, terribly. Really? Yeah. And that's, I think, why I get so emotional. Yeah. So I see you and I see my dad.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
The difference with Teddy and my dad, my dad never got upset. Really? He was so low key and so sweet. He has the sweetness and kindness you have. I mean, you don't have a jealous bone in your body. And whatever.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He said, you have people calling you, women. What do I do? My son's sick. Should I send him to school? Can he go with his dad? I mean, you become the surrogate father for the child almost. And practicing law can be stressful. Litigation, particularly, it's a young man's thing. Yeah. As you get older, you kind of get away from it and have younger guys take depositions and try cases.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I bought like a. Oh, well, you and Brad Ratke. Yeah. We're in Sarasota screwing around with the intercom system, but the dugouts. So he benched you. Well, he didn't bench Brad because he went on to play Major League Baseball for 20 years. He played for the Twins. And I remember saying to you after one of the games when you sat on the bench and you led the county that year in extra base hits.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You led the county in extra base hits and he benched you. Yeah. And it pissed me off. And I said to you after a game when you didn't play, I said, I'm going to say something. I said, this pisses me off. He said, Brad's playing. You're not. And I just don't understand that. And you said to me, it's only baseball, Dad. He says, it's only baseball. It's a game.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I thought, boy, you have the right perspective. I'm one of those fucked up parents. I think it's more than a game.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yes. It was the young fellow in New York who ended up writing for Saturday Night Live, Dimitri. Dimitri Martin. Yes. And yes, the thing that's impressed me most about you, aside from your sweetness and kindness, and people may not know that. I don't think people do. But you are devoted to family. You're devoted to friends. Yeah. And people who see you recognize, I mean, when a fan meets you,
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You take the time and the energy, everyone. You never decline. You have a generosity that my dad had. And my dad was the sweetest, kindest man. And that's you.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Joe and Tom both have been extraordinary friends to you. They've helped you with your career. Yeah. They've always given you advice. And so he's been pretty good advice.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I remember the travel channel, which, you know, it's a very great channel. Yeah. I just didn't like you working for them because I didn't like, I didn't like the role they placed you in.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I don't think they took advantage of your, your comedy and the, they kind of inhibited you from being you. Yeah. And I didn't care for that. No. And I didn't see a future in that. And Tom and Joe both pushed you to leave the channel and to go out and do stand-up. And that was a big change. They had a big impact.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Benny Lazare was the exception. He was just fantastic. Yeah. But he had a personality that jurors loved. Sure. But he was so likable. Oh, and laid back. I mean, he talked to people so they understood him. He never was condescending to anyone.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Barry Katz, to be honest, he had a very big impact too because he always said to me the same thing I always said. He said, I've had comedians that are great comedians. He said, you put them on stage in a big audience and they fold. He said, I put Bert before big audience, and he excels. And he also said, Bert's more of a personality. He says, he relates to people.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He said, he could do a talk show and be successful. Barry had some good insight about you.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And he's just a very likable guy. And, you know, people want a real aggressive lawyer, but if you get an attorney that can relate to a judge or a jury, you're much better off. Yeah. And Benny had a gift for that.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And they didn't understand what you could have brought to the show.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Really? I believe things are meant to happen. You know, when I was in Philadelphia with Dwayne Morris, I loved that job. I loved working for them. And I remember Frank White was the managing partner in the office I was in. And when they hired me, they said, look, we're hiring you, but you need to understand.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
We can only promise you employment for a year because this is a regional office you're in and we're not sure of the future. So I said, I understand. They said, so in the end of the year or so, and I remember Frank White's secretary saying, said to me one day after I was there about 18 months, she said, hey, Al, Frank White sent a memo to the main office. It's in my desk drawer.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I think you should read it. She said, but wait, come in. Maybe why don't you come in like Saturday morning when no one's here and I'll leave it in my drawer so you can read it. Then So Saturday, of course, I showed up at like six in the morning and I opened her drawer. And there's a memo from Frank to the main office saying Al's worked out very well. We'd like to keep him.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
We'd like to put his name on the letterhead and all this other stuff. And I go, isn't that wonderful? Now, I get that from from his secretary about three or four weeks later. Frank buzzes me and says, I'm going to come in your office. I'll be in there a minute. So he walks in. He walked into my office, and I said, what's wrong? He said, why would you think something's wrong?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I said, I've been here 18 months. You've never come into my office. I've always gone into your office. You always say, Al, come on in. You're in my office standing in front of me. What's going on? And he says, they told me I have to terminate you. And I said, okay. He said, the firm represents a big architectural firm in Philadelphia.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Their son just graduated from Penn Law, and they want me to hire him to replace you. And I said, I understand. I said, that was the deal going in. I understand it. No problem. And, of course, at that time, Mom was pregnant with Annie. Oh, really? Yeah. This is like in December. And Frank said to me, I understand your wife's pregnant. I said, yeah. He said, well, let's keep her.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You stay here until your daughter's born. Make sure you have insurance coverage and make sure everything's okay. And I said, well, that's very nice. And I understood. I didn't have a problem with that. Uh, and, uh, then I, I took the Florida bar because I had not taken the Florida bar and I passed it obviously. And I went to work there and then Larry and I got together.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, well, yeah. He started out doing criminal practice, and he was a criminal defense attorney. In fact, I got appointed in federal court for a money laundering case. And Benny represented one of the people, one of the defendants in it. And I kept calling him saying, what do I do next? They appoint you because you're a member of the bar.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Uh, the interesting thing about all of this is when I got out of law school, uh, mom and I, I hadn't gotten a job yet. Mom and I drove to New York to visit my mother and we were at my mother's house. And she said, one of my, one of the women, one of the neighbors Their daughter was a psychic. Okay. Her name was Sina Gary. She was a psychic. This is Levittown. This is in Levittown, New York.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I grew up with this young, now she was a couple years old, but I mean, I was friends with her brother, Doug. Yeah. And she said, would you like Sina to come over and give you a reading? Yeah, sure. Bring her over. I'm thinking a bunch of nonsense, right? Yeah. So she comes in and she sits down with me. And she says, let me tell you what I see.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Now, this is before I have a job with Wayne Morris. She says, I see you're going to get a job in Philadelphia with a prominent Philadelphia law firm. She says, I can't see who it is, but they're on a street. The first letter is a B. And she said, you're going to work for a guy that's probably 6'6", blonde hair. And I go, okay. She says, but you know what? You're not going to be there very long.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I said, really? She says, you're going to leave there within two years. And you're going back to Florida. I said, okay. And she says, you know what I see? I see real estate in your future. I said, really? So she leaves. And I think, I tell mom, I said... That's crazy. I'm never going back to Florida. Who the hell? She's nuts. Well, I go back to Philadelphia.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I interview with Dwayne Morris on Broad Street. I work for Frank White, who's 6'6", blonde hair. And I'm going, this is a little freaky. Then I get fired. And I go back to Florida. I go, this is really freaky. And then after being in Florida for 10 years, I get involved totally in real estate. Random.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I mean, just Merrill Lynch calls me up and says, we need an attorney to do the relocation closing for Merrill Lynch. Would you do them? And I said, I'd love to do real estate. Then I did from 85 until now, that's all I've done. And I'm thinking that woman was right on. I would fucking find out where she is. I've tried.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You know what my big problem is? I don't know how to spell Sina. I can go, Gary, I got. But isn't that incredible? That's crazy. You know what her role was in New York? She was hired by lawyers to read jurors. So she would sit with the attorney at their table. And say to him, jury number five, you need to get rid of. Number five, number six, you should keep. That was her job.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But she was a psychic. And I tell you what, from that moment forward, everything that happened to me was identical, what she said.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You know what? Mom and I talk about that. The greatest assets I think we either gave to you or you inherited is your ability to relate to people and understand people. I mean, Annie is the sweetest thing in the world. She is your mother in terms of her love and understanding for children. And people.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Cotty, I think a lot of her success is her ability to relate to people and have people enjoy her personality.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I wouldn't put her on stage because she might have a little meltdown. But otherwise, she is incredible.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But I mean, I wasn't qualified to be representing a defendant in a laundering case. Good Lord. Yeah. But yeah, I never enjoyed that at all. Larry, on the other hand, seems to, it doesn't bother him. He's got a better attitude, and he's willing to go to court. Even these days, he goes. Really? I think I would have made a good lawyer. Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
That's the big thing. I remember having breakfast for you 20, 30 years ago. And you said, I don't care about the money. I'm an artist. And I said.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It's the day Chris Farley died. Oh, you were upset. I remember calling you telling you he died. Yeah. It bothered you a bit. Yeah. But we had breakfast, and you're saying, I don't care about money. I said, well, you know, that's well and good. Really good, but you need to. And I remember when you got your first, when Will Smith brought you out to L.A.,
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And you got that job with FX, which I have filmed every show of yours. I want to put those on digital for you. Because I have them on VHS. Is that what you call it? Let's upload every episode. I mean, I have every episode. Because you need to understand, I never could watch you live. I always tell either Nana, your grandmother, or mom would tell me, it's good to watch.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Because I was always scared. In fact, when you when you performed on Carolyn's on Broadway. I don't know how many shots of bourbon I had and went to bed at seven o'clock because I told mom, I said, I can't handle the stress. He's going to be on the big stage. Will Smith is having people watch him. And then, you know, then she wakes me up and says he killed. But.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It's all about relating, I think, to either the judge, the jury, or whoever you're... I would have made a good lawyer back when I was a kid and we'd go to those courts.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
About three or four years ago. How long was it? Was that three years ago? It was when your show came out. When your movie came out. My movie came out, yeah. I had never been to a show. It was kind of like baseball. I liked to stand out in left field. And watch from there because I didn't like all the chatter. I didn't want to put stress on you by watching you.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So I always stood out in left field. It's the same with your shows. I mean, I remember after doing comedy for 10 years, I said to Andy, I said, God, she said, why don't you go? I said, I'm nervous. He may bomb. She said, Dad, he may think he bombed, but no one else does. He said he always does well. Yeah. I had trouble accepting that.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And then in February, I guess it was, of three years ago, you asked me to go to the arena. And I brought all of my friends, all six of them. I think I brought them. Well, you actually did.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah. He rented a Sprinter van. And Todd Teller was there. Larry was there. And Bob Orff. And it was overwhelming. when I sat up there and I saw these big screens next to you, 10 feet tall or whatever they are. And to see the excitement in the crowd, it was very emotional time for me. That and when you premiere, the premiere I couldn't handle. I had a big emotional, you remember that? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It was very emotional for me. I remember I was emotional watching it, but then when I saw you afterwards, I couldn't control it. It's been some very rewarding times for me as a parent and mom as well.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You got another one made already? Yeah, of course. I'll spend the night here.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Do I remember him? I brought you to talk about doing trial work. Here I am, criminal court. Really? With Ty Trainor? Yeah. And Mel Bass and Judge Coe. And... Judge Coe was hanging Harry Coe. How old was he at that time? He was in his 40s, maybe. No. He wasn't old. Are you serious? No. His wife just died this week. His ex-wife just died this last week, and she was 94. Oh, wow.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And then I'll tell you what, her two children adore you and Leanne. I'll tell you. It's like you're at their house and they say, we can, we'll uncle Bert and Leanne's.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Are you telling me that I'm no good anymore? It's funny you say that because I feel the same way about your mother. Really? I mean, I just told her as we're coming here, I said, I said, you made the family. I mean, think of the Easters and what she did. I mean, we got Easter baskets well into fucking college. I mean, everything was devoted to children. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
When she went to Berkeley, driving you and Annie. Yeah. I mean, I told her, I said, you know, I worked. I used to work 10, 12 hours a day. My deal was with the kids, I'd come home, have something to eat with you, and we'd all go to bed, and I'll read a story. That was my involvement as a father.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
No. Because I always felt like because I was gone on weekends. You quantified it. You said, because I'm not here, I'm not a good father. You know what? I remember Bob Doman. Bob Doman was our neighbor. And actually, I ran with him. He was in like. St. Joseph's. Well, he went to St. Joseph's College. Yeah. And Bob said to me, he says, I travel four days a week. I'm home on the weekends.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But he said those weekends were quality weekends. And it's not so much how many hours you have with your kids or your wife. It's what you do with the time you have. Yeah. And you said that. You were always devoted to the kids and Leanne.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
That's your life. But the question then becomes when you're with them, what's your quality of life at that point? And you're devoted to all of them. Yeah. And that's what's important. Me, I worked all day. You were traveling. I worked all day.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I mean, I had to because we never had any money. I mean, I remember going to the office on it. And this is not that long ago. I mean, 20 years ago, making sure I have enough money to cover my dues for Tampa Palms. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, when you're raising a family and all of you were in private schools, I mean, I really couldn't afford Berkeley Prep for three kids or whatever.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I guess Cotty never went there, did he? Cotty went to Kerwood Day School. Yeah, and then the Academy in Jesuit.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, that's good that you know. Now, on the other hand, I always thought my parents couldn't afford it. Really? Really. Well, I saw my dad working, and I mean, I remember, God, I was in Little League, and my dad bought me a baseball glove, a Rawlings glove. And it was a magnificent, to me as a kid, it was magnificent. And my comments were him as, could you afford it, Dad?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Now, what kid says that to a parent? But I was totally aware because we were in a little Levittown home. My parents' bedroom, we were separated by a wall. And we were separated by about 10 feet from the kitchen.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I'd hear my mother say, don't worry, Al, we'll eat pasta all week. Don't worry, Al. And I remember going shopping with my mother at the A&P store in Levittown. And I'd say, hey, let's get some grape juice. I love grape juice. Well, not today. Never bought soda. Really? Never. We couldn't afford soda. We had Charles Chips bring pretzels by once every month or so. That was our big treat.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So that's only, what, 15 years older than me? Yeah, so you were probably 30. He was probably 45. You were at Berkeley as a kid. I was six. Yeah, okay. So I was 31. Yeah. He committed suicide, by the way. Did he really? Yeah. Yeah. That's horrible. Very sad. I liked him. He was very fair. If it was your first offense, you usually got probation.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I'm not belittling my mother and father, but things were tight. And I remember when I went to prep school, I went to Malvern Prep. That was a big expense for my parents. And the reason I went there is because I tried to get into a Catholic school in Long Island, Charminard primarily, and I got rejected. I didn't pass the entrance exam.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And my father, who is such a easygoing guy, went to see the brother and wanted to know why I wasn't accepted, because he was a very proud father. And they said, your son's average. And my father got so upset. And he came back and he said, We're going to get you. So then I went to Malvern. Because I remember going there with my parents to meet with the headmaster.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And he said, no, we're welcome to have you. Come back in September. You'll be admitted as a sophomore. And I went to Malvern. And that's something that was extremely expensive. It was like $2,500 a year back in the 60s. It was a huge amount. I used to get a check from my father like every week for like $2.00. And he'd say, don't spend it all at once. And back then, gas was $0.25 a gallon.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I mean, you can go to a movie for $0.50. And so I was very conscious of money as a kid. And at Christmas, I would get one major gift. And then I would always get slipper socks, which I always buy for your kids. And when I was 10 years old, I worked in a hardware store. And I cut glass. I mixed paint. I mean, I worked for a guy named Frank.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And every Saturday when I'd work, he'd give me 50 cents to go get lunch. So I was very conscious. I had a paper route. I worked in a hardware store. I worked at Jamaica Hospital. All this before I even went to college. So I was very conscious of the limited resources we had. But I had the most wonderful childhood in the world. Living in Levittown, my best friend was Tom Lynch.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And Tom and I would get up every morning at 6 o'clock and play all day long. We'd walk to the pool. They had a community pool. I mean, it was a wonderful growing up.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But that was, growing up there was probably a great experience for me. How great was Levittown? It was, you know, I didn't realize. Can you, Pete doesn't know what it is. Levittown was the first development where every house was the same. It's track housing. Track housing. You know what track housing is?
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But there's, you know, there's a thing that... Well, let me tell you. Levittown, my father bought a house there in 1952.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I mean this. It was. Now, so my dad... I remember my mother wanted to live in Garden City, which was up in, I mean, that was, and my grandfather said, you can't afford Garden City. So we went to Levittown. And I thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. But the house was $5,200. Hang on.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But if it was your second offense or you violated probation, that's when you called him hanging Harry. But I remember bringing you court. Remember, he'd say, Mr. Kreischer, who do you have with you? I said, that's my son. He goes, put him up in the witness or the jury box. Remember, you'd sit up there. Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Actually, it shows up if you put 2 Echo Lane. The damn house shows up. 2 Echo Lane, Levittown. There it is right there, the top right, the top left. That's the house right there. Where, right there? Yeah. They fixed it up a bit. That's your actual house? Yeah, that's the house. Now, think of what the payment was. The house was $5,200. It's selling for $109,000 right now. No, it's not selling.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
No, it's selling for $600,000 or $700,000. Estimated is $600,000. What the hell is $100,000? There's an old listing. It is very old. But it's selling for like $600,000 now. But my dad's payment was like $30 a month. Well, $5,000 loan over 30 years at 5%. Yeah. Taxes were nothing.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
By Cherry Hill, probably. Yeah. Or Cherry something. It's Governor's Comedy Club. Actually, when you moved to New York, I went up there for the U.S. Open with Tiger Woods won at Bethpage. Yeah. My dad used to play every Wednesday at the Black Horse at Bethpage.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So we went there in 2000 when Tiger won it. And I drove you around Levittown. Yeah. and showed you where I played Little League, where I went to grade school, where I went to high school for one year, or three years, I guess, junior high and high. But it was a great experience. But I was very conscious of money as a kid because of the struggles. I would listen to them.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You know, when you're in like an $800,000 square foot home, you hear everything.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You were raised totally different, because I remember when you went to Florida State, because in Villanova I had to work every weekend. uh, for, for spend money. I mean, I didn't, my mother didn't send me a couple hundred bucks a month. Yeah. I didn't have credit cards. So I was a maid for a year. I mean, I drove cabs for a couple of years. I, we did, we did virtually everything.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Um, but when you went to Florida state, I said, I don't want you working on one idiot. I was, well, he, he took, he took me for my word. He said, I will work a fucking dime. Um, So when you went up there, I said, I just want you to study and do well. Six years later, I'm saying, I wonder if he has a PhD. Gigi says, I hope he has a BS or whatever the hell you had.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Taking girls from one place to another for safety. Yeah. Mr. Safety here.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah. I mean, it was a bit different then because, yeah, there were some big personalities and much fewer lawyers. Really? So those personalities stood out more. Really? Yeah. I mean, when I was there, I think maybe in 1975, there were maybe 1,500 attorneys in Tampa. Yeah. Now some of the law firms have that size. I mean, you know, it's unbelievable.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Fucking awesome. Your girls are magnificent. I love them. Yeah. They're just... They are... Very, you know what, when you come there and when they give you a hug, they mean it. Oh, yeah. They have, I remember Georgia particularly on one occasion was so sympathetic to me.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It made me, you know, Larry said to me once, he said, George Bush said that now that he's an old man, this is the young George, the 43rd president. The fun one. Yeah. And George said, he said, now that I'm old, he said, I can cry at anything, but now I cry at everything. And it is true. When you get to be my age, everything becomes very emotional to you.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I mentioned this to my partner, Larry, because sometimes we look back at pictures of our kids when they're young and you go, all the years, where have they gone? I don't have that anymore. Now my life is totally different. It's different, not in a bad way. It's just there's a lot of melancholy when you think back of when you're a young family opening Christmas.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Or when we go to Tampa Palms for Easter and the Easter Bunny, remember? Yeah. You remember that story? No, wait. What is it? We go to the Tampa Palms, which is a country club I joined, and it was Easter Sunday, so we decided to go there for breakfast. And as we're walking into the entry, there's a big bunny rabbit. It was Robert the Cook. He was in an Easter Bunny thing with big ears and stuff.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Oh, you don't remember? No. So we're walking up there, and I farted. And this little girl by the bunny goes, Daddy, the Easter Bunny farted. And the Easter Bunny starts pointing at me. He goes like this. I said, Robert, shut up. You don't remember that? No. Oh, God. I don't know why I farted, but it happened. Apparently, it was pretty loud. Poor Easter Bunny got hit for it.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And Robert's going, stop. His big ears are flopping. He says, not me.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I was at a Rodeo drive with Connie yesterday. And there's a brown Friday shirt. Yeah. And people still ask me, why do I wear that? I say it's a long story. We're at, this is, God, this is, the girls were little girls. Girls were babies. And we were on Rodeo Drive, and we were, and you bought me that sweater. I still wear the sweater. Banana Republic. Banana, yes.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And he gets me a sweater, and I said, I have to go to the bathroom really bad. And he goes, good luck. I said, what do you mean good luck? He said, they're not going to let you go to the bathroom here. So I said, okay. We were staying at the hotel in Rodeo Drive. What was it? Beverly Hillshire? Yeah. Right on the corner.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, I know. And then I said, can you pick me up in the car and drive me? And you go, not in my new car. And I go, you fucker. You're kidding me. He was walking down Rodeo Drive, and he shit his pants in his khakis.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
No, I got up in the morning to walk on the treadmill, and he was next to me. Yeah, yeah. It was Saturday night or the Fox NFL.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
How many times? This is an illustration of his reality and my reality. I'll call Annie right fucking now. This is what happened. He told me to fuck off. So I start walking back to the hotel. Now, the hotel is a couple blocks away. It's a solid six blocks. Whatever it is.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I remember standing by a Bank of America building going, I'm going to shit myself. And then all of a sudden, God intervened. And I had to reprieve. And I ran like hell to the hotel. I got in the elevator. I got to the room, and the room was a mess.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I didn't keep camp. But I remember in Temple Terrace with Ty Trader, and it might have been Jimmy, Uncle Jim.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I remember in Temple Terrace, I always had this issue. You have the issue too, bud. Don't hide it. No, I know. But I'm running, and we used to run like 10 miles every Saturday. I shit my pants on the treadmill today. So I'm running, and then I go, I said to Ty, I said, I can't. I have to stop. So I go behind a bush in Temple Terrace in a house. And I relieved myself.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And there's a woman up in her balcony going, what are you doing? And so I wrapped it up. And then she let her dog out. So I started to run like hell.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Actually, the worst one was on Indian Mound Road. There was a German or a St. Bernard. Yeah. Every time I ran, the damn thing would chase me. But, and actually I knew those folks. Really? Yeah. I ended up not maybe seven or eight years ago going to that house because they lived on the lake I live on. And we had this hyacinth problem.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I found it totally different. What do you mean? Florida was more laid back. Yeah. More casual. When you had a hearing before a judge, you went into chambers. When I had a hearing in Philadelphia, it was an open court. My first time in court in Philadelphia, they sent me there and I represented Mrs. Rittenhouse. Rittenhouse Square. Rittenhouse Square, yeah. Well, I was with a big Philadelphia firm.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I said to the woman, I said to the woman, I said, I said, you know, years ago, someone lived here like 20, 30 years ago, 30, probably 30 more that had a St. Bernard. She said, that was my mother. And I said, no kidding. And we chatted a bit about all that. But the St. Bernard used to chase me every time I ran down there. And they lived on the lake. That same house, Mike Bartoletta just bought.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It's almost two acres on Lake Bird. Mike Bartoletta bought it, and he's building a home now there. Really? A big home, like 9,500 square foot. It's a beautiful home. You had a great childhood, I think, growing up. I had the best childhood you could ever imagine. We used to go to Gennaro's Pizza every Friday night. Is that in Temple Terrace? It's on Fletcher.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And Gennaro was a client of mine. We used to go there on a Friday night. We'd get a pizza for the... Because Connie was still alive then. I think that was when we were in. Still alive. No, I mean, she was born then. Yeah, I think so. And we used to go there for pizza. Like, that's 20 bucks. You have a pizza. Mom and I have a glass of wine, maybe.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And he would also give me some bread to bring home, put in the oven. Yeah. But we always went on a Friday night and took Jimmy with us.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
David, Jimmy, Peter, Joe, I think was even down there. Bill stayed down there for a while. Bill, I forgot about Bill, yeah. And you know what's interesting is that When we go to these reunions, when you, it's like you grew up with all these 37 nieces and nephews that I have.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
The sense of family, and I attribute a lot of it to the Hobsons, but also to mom.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But it's like when you go there, you may not have spent much time, but all of them are so close to you, it's unbelievable.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah. And then all actually 10, one died in birth, but yeah. What was his name? Um, don't know. I don't know, but you know, it's so interesting because you have eight uncles and all of those kids are, in my opinion, very close to each other.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And, you know, we were at a wedding recently for PJ. Yeah. Which is Peter's son. And there's a couple photographs there that are very meaningful to me. Like, there's the eight, well, I should say, there's a daughter, all your uncles, their wives, and me. Yeah. Because that figure, there's eight boys and one girl.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So they want all the in-laws together. So it's me and eight women.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, you will. And I think Johnny's kids, either that or Jimmy's, gave me these sunglasses put on like the Blues Brothers. I saw that picture. And they kind of torment me a little. They say, hey, Uncle Al, put these on for the picture. And I put them on, and I think I'm even looking at them.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, that's a little true. I went off of them for about a year. Yeah. And I can't sleep. Yeah. And I had a, so Matthew, Matt. Yeah. Made me some pecans with some herbs. Wait, hold on. He didn't make them this trip, did he? No. He made them and sent them to me about a month ago. But I used to take like 20 to 40 milligrams a night just to sleep. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Is that first time around? What's that? Dwayne Morrison Heckscher. It's now Dwayne Morris, yeah. But when I interviewed with them, I go in there to interview. Your grandmother, Nana, bowled with Joe Ryan's wife, Joe Ryan being an attorney at Dwayne Morris, and she mentioned to Nana that they're looking for an attorney. So she came back to the house and told me.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Because my mind, when I go to sleep, I think of everything that could happen that's adverse. What did Billy Gardell call it? Catastrophating? Yeah. Oh, it's a terrible affliction. So every night I would go to sleep and then something would hit me. And I go, God damn it. And they keep me up all night.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I was going to say. Do you remember the time I bought that ottoman? That was the epitome. Well, there's two things that occurred to us. The disaster baiting. We went out when you were living in Detroit.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
We went out to get you a couple of chairs and ottomans. Yep. And the ottomans lifted off the top, lifted off so you could store stuff in them.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I got the drill out and drilled holes in the bottom to let air in.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well, the other thing is we were at the mall. And you put Georgia in a child seat, whatever, in the restaurant, in the aisle. And I said, don't ever put a child in the aisle because they could spill coffee on them. I think of awful things. Within five minutes. A guy comes and drops a pot of coffee.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
But, you know, I'm not wrong. You're still here. And you're still here. Yeah. In one piece. Yeah. That's because of my caring. I lay up, and when I go to bed at night, God forbid I think of something.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So I called Joe, and he said, well, come on in for an interview. I interviewed in Paoli, and then they asked me to interview in Philadelphia on Broad Street. So I walk into the interview, and there's like four attorneys sitting there, all Ivy League, you know. brought me Penn, Princeton, Yale, whatever, all Ivy League. And they look at my resume.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah, oh, if I could. If I only could. You definitely could. And the edibles helped.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I don't want to do that. Well, let me tell you the one problem with edibles. If you take a moderate amount, it's fine. It calms you down and gets you to sleep. You don't sleep well, but you get some sleep. If you take too much, the next day you kind of don't feel well. You'll get a fog. Yeah. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So I stopped totally. You know, there's two things I stopped. I stopped eating butter.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Well... With my last heart issue, I thought, you know, why am I having two procedures for stents on my widow maker? I mean, because I eat salmon every day. What's wrong with me? But then I realized I probably eat a pound of butter a week.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Every bite, I would put a piece of butter on it. If it was a roll, I'd put a pad of butter on it.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I would put butter on pretzels. I would put butter on Oreo cookies. Anything I ate, I added butter to it. So in December, after Christmas, I decided I'm not going to eat any more butter.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
So I stopped. I haven't had butter since December. My cholesterol is now under 100. Did you ever get my numbers from Ways to Well? Yeah, I can go grab them on the laptop right now. Eight minutes to that meeting, by the way.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Indian food fucking rocks. Yeah, we're going to get into that. Okay. We're going to get into something I understand.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Have you ever gone to an Indian restaurant with me? No, I have not. So why are you asking me that? Well, I thought maybe once in your life you would have experienced Indian. Let's go to an Indian food tonight.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I remember the managing partner said, where the hell is Stetson? And my immediate reaction was, this ain't going well. I may have a problem. And as soon as he said that, one of the other partners said, it's in Florida. And I thought I got an ally. He said, Mr. Duane went to school there. Duane Morris Heckscher? Yeah. So at that point, the guy says, let me bring Mr. Duane in.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
No, they're not. Halston. Halston, come here. Let me see you. Pete, how great is Indian food? No, you're talking about... Very white, and I love Indian food. Oh. Yeah. Well, you should have dinner with him tonight.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Now I'm sitting there, I'm saying, things have turned pretty good for me. Mr. Duane walked into the interview, and he shook my hand, and he said, I hear, young man, you're a graduate of Stetson College of Law. And I said, yes, sir. He goes, the Harvard of the South. And he says, let's go to lunch here. And I got the job. But the first time I went to court was for Mrs. Rittenhouse.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I show up at court at 830 in the morning in Westchester, Chester County. And there must have been 100 lawyers there. And I go, what the hell is going on? I thought I had a hearing. So I go up to the bailiff. I said, tell me what's going on. He said, you got to sign in and the judge will call your case whenever you come up. And he said, you know, it could be an hour.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
It could be six hours from now. I said, it's not very efficient. But so at the end of the day, they call me up. It's like four o'clock. And the other attorney was a young attorney, too. We took the bar together and we were both very nervous. And I gave my argument and he got up and he kept repeating his argument.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
And I remember the judge, there were three panel judge, and one of the judges said, counselor. And he goes, yes, your honor. He goes, if there was a bee on your head, would you beat it with a bat? And the guy goes, of course not. He said, well, stop beating us with your bat. Move along. I'm going, whoa. But yeah, that's my first experience. I go, I don't think I like this a lot.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
You never have, like, it's case by case, right? Oh, yeah. When I went with Dwayne Morris, I got paid. This is 1973. I got paid $14,000 a year, about $1,000 a month. And I was the highest paid graduate of my class because everyone else was in Florida. They were getting 10 or 12. And it was a great experience with Dwayne Morris and Dwayne. I met with Joe Ryan. I worked with Joe Ryan for two years.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He was like my mentor. He was only maybe seven or eight years older than I was. And I saw him about seven or eight years ago. I was in Philadelphia, and I drove to his office. Now, I'm in my 70s. He's 80-something. And I said to him, I said, you know, you were my mentor. And he started getting teary-eyed. And he said, seriously? I said, no, honestly. He taught me an awful lot.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
He told me how to practice law, what I need to do to prepare for whatever it is, whether it's a rezoning or a trial or whatever. And he got very emotional. But he and I had lunch together every day for two years. Really? Yeah, wonderful guy.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I can't get a hold of you. I call Pete and he calls back. I mean, he says something to me. I mean, it's like instant. Yeah. You're like a day or two later, maybe. You call me at three in the morning. I'm at the airport, Dad.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
Yeah. Ernie was the oldest. David was the middle child. Yeah. He died of cancer in his 30s. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
that was tragic david was david ernie was probably most like his dad david was uh was just i mean like david was the one when ernie died that took over the dealership not ernie david did because he was the one ernie partied a little bit more yeah because that was the fact in fact i took took ernie says to me uh we ernie's got a citation in pasco county uh criminal court would you go with him i said sure
Bertcast
# 676 - My Dad Al Kreischer
I go up there and we'll walk in. The bell goes, hey, Ernie, how you doing? I go, oh, my God. I said, Ernie, you've been here before? He goes, a couple of times.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
and and you know sit in it and watch yeah i would i was uh i because it would be it would be cool if kendrick was like it was funny that would be in a way it would be like it would almost be a win for kendrick it's a win for kendrick yeah it's it was funny man it was funny yeah there's a man i saw cat williams get beat up by a sixth grader it's funny I sleep like a king. I really do.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
All right. So we're about to podcast. What do we want to talk about? Here's what I want to talk about. Okay. I want to start with your brain. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Let's start with your brain.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I match my sleep score up against anyone's any day. And I always sleep better than everyone. And I attribute it to my friends over at Helix. This is why Helix is different. They have a two minute sleep quiz that you take and it tells you how you sleep. And then based on how you sleep, you get the mattress that's right for your body. I got the Midnight Luxe. It's a medium feel for side sleepers.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I'm a side sleeper. With those firm ones, I think they have a Dusk Luxe, which is for back sleepers and stomach sleepers. It's not good for me because my arm freezes in the middle of the night. I am telling you, I had arm and neck problems for the longest time, and I had no idea what it was. You know how bad it was? I'd have tendonitis in my elbow because of sleeping on my arm.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Dude, if I go to a hotel, I am screwed. Not at home. My Helix mattress is amazing. What's great? They sent it to my house. I set it up by myself. By the way, I recorded it one time. I set it up in less time than it took to take the sleep quiz. So go to helixsleep.com slash BERT for 20% off site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash BERT for 20% off site-wide. helixsleep.com slash BERT.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
With Robinhood Gold, you can now enjoy the VIP treatment receiving a 3% IRA match on retirement contributions. The privileges of the very privileged are no longer exclusive. With Robinhood Gold, your annual IRA contributions are boosted by 3%. Plus, you also get 4% APY on your cash in non-retirement accounts. That's over eight times the national savings average. The perks...
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
of the high net worth are now available for any net worth. The new gold standard is here with Robinhood Gold. To receive your 3% boost on annual IRA contributions, sign up at robinhood.com slash gold. Investing involves risk, rates subject to change. 3% match requires Robinhood Gold at $5 per month. For one year from first match, must keep funds in IRA for five years.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Go to Robinhood.com slash boost. Over eight times the national average savings accounts interest rate claims is based on data from the FDIC as of November 18th, 2024. Robinhood Financial LLC, member SIPC. Gold membership is offered by Robinhood Gold LLC. You're the one that turned me on to Zenz. Sorry. No, no. Tom turned me on to it.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Adrenaline is a release of adrenaline. Thank you. It's heart, blood pressure and breathing is part of the nicotine.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Wait, don't shake your head. Don't shake your head. Everybody's shaking their head. Pete, can I get another cocktail? Hold on. So wait. Walk me through ketamine. So what is, what is the process? What does it feel like? When do you do it? How quick? I know it's a disassociative. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And I think that would be... I genuinely appreciate that. You have such a unique way of doing stand-up because... This special, I think it is worth the stopping this right now and going and watching your special, in my opinion. That's very nice. Because Hyperbolic is on YouTube right now. Or no, yeah, it came out December. And... I love the word hyperbolic. I love that.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Here's why I've been interested in ketamine because I have, you'll know what I'm, you can say the medical thing I'm saying, what I'm trying to say. I had the thing where you can't stop chewing on a thought over and over and over and over and over again. Like it's, it's repetitive and it's obsessive compulsive and it's in my head and it's, and it, It is with jokes, which I don't mind.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
So if I have a story and I go on a hike or I go for a walk, it's brilliant. My brain is... It's awesome. But if I'm laying in bed or if I get on Instagram and I see something that bums me out, I... I'm like, I'm like blinders on, can only see like a foot in front of my face. And it's just negativity.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I intend to quit soon, but... It just gets rid of the bad thoughts.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I mean, allegedly. I don't know. So wait, what are the... You can't overdose from ketamine.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's weird to go, you know, my most confusing moment with you ever where I couldn't understand. And then like, and this is why my fascination with you, really, we were going into Canada. We got rid of all the drugs on the bus. And you were, and I was like, everyone's got no drugs, right? You're like, well, I have a couple hits of acid. And I was like, those are drugs.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And you're like, yeah, but I don't think they're going to find them. And I was like, but they're, hold on. That's like, you go to jail for those ones. And you were like, I think we're going to be fine. And I was like, I was like, your analytical brain should be like, Zero. Zero. But you're like, oh, these two hits acid. I don't want to get rid of them.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I mean, yeah, they're only five bucks, but they're fucking going to be fun.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
See, that's where your brain works. And I go, you're right.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
But see, I wish I had your brain. One time I was starting to smoke weed and my dad was like, Or Leanne was like, just take it with you on the road. It was healthier for me to smoke weed than to drink. Or if I drank and smoked weed, the second I smoked weed, I stopped drinking. Interesting. Yeah, if I smoke weed, the second I smoke weed, I'm done drinking.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's one of my favorite words. It's a good word. I live in hyperbole.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And Leanne said to me, just take it on the plane with you. And I was like, no, I'm weird about rules. I go, the rules are you're not allowed to. And she goes, baby, worst case scenario, they find it, they arrest you, you got a great story. And I was like, yeah, but I'm breaking the rules. Like I'm not allowed to break rules. Like I didn't get a tattoo because my dad would never let me.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I didn't have a fake ID because my dad would never let me. I drank and drove like maybe like a handful of times as like a kid because I was like right around the corner. Like I never did it like – you know, drinking and driving. As a grown man from 18 to 52, I maybe, and Pete, back me up on this. I maybe one time have had a drink and gotten behind the wheel.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Like meaning a drink, not drunk, a drink. I've never, I'm like really rule oriented. That means great. That's great. But it's funny because part of the reason I like being around you is like the things that excite you. Like I remember one time you guys were talking about like we had another smart person on the bus and you guys were like, someone was like, do you think a rocket could do that?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And you're like, Ooh. And you get, so you go, I love this. I love this. I think it was you and Pete. You were talking about rocket propulsion or some fucking math thing. And you guys, and I was like,
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, no, no, no, no, no. I won't say it because I don't know what it was. And you guys, time dilation. So what is this?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, but what's great about this special is that every joke is filled. It is like a casserole of fucking comedy. I mean, every joke, even the way you break down your mom's interaction at the Delta counter, everything is just... You don't just say the thing, you say the thing the way it should be said. They asked what color?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
That's crazy that that is how his brain worked. Okay, is this an accurate analogy? So it's like if you go to a buffet and you'd think that if you're eating there all day that it would dissipate. But what Einstein's saying is it doesn't dissipate. They keep filling up the things. And that's because the time slows down when you're at a buffet. Okay.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
now takes up the full amount as the original and if you eat another half then it's now it's just down to a fourth but that fourth spreads by a factor of four so it still seems like the full amount that was there originally but in this case mass is velocity so what's the most fascinating thing to you like when when you talked about that you get excited what are some other things in like science and math that really fucking really trigger you um
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Hold on. Cause all I'm thinking is Terrence Howard.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I just got oregano oil because of him. He was on the podcast. I listened to the podcast the other day again, and he does look great. He looks fantastic. He looks fantastic, and he says it's because of oregano oil. He's like, remember I had dark circles under my eyes? And then they cut to Joe, and Joe's got dark circles under his eyes. I was like, I never thought about that. He looks amazing.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
He smokes cigarettes too. That's crazy.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Why is it? Why is that? So, you know, I had to stop that. The clicks, the videos that would send me through the roof like and look, I don't I don't ever talk politics or anything, but I think we can all agree. The girl in the pink hair at the fucking thing where the guy is trying to talk to you starts going. you know, whatever those things drive me fucking nuts.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Like I go just anything where it's like, I mean, I got, you know, I got really addicted to, um, prove me wrong videos where like, uh, those guys go to the campuses and they're like, uh, there's only two genders prove me wrong. And, and you get these just sucker college kids, uh, Just with their heart in the right place. Their heart's in the right place. They're doing the right thing.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I'm on camera. I'm saying the right words. But they are ill-prepared to talk to a grown-up. And they get smoked. And I was loving those videos. I was like, you can bring it in, Pete.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts and of course the mind-blowing production empire the band is known for and i am telling you i've seen that firsthand we saw them on tour the whole our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows and if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down check out burt cast number 623 they play acoustic i'm telling you zach
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yeah, it's a similar satisfaction. I love the one... What's his name? I'm friends with the guy. I DM with him. I think he came to our show over in England. The guy that... Have you ever seen the video of the... MMA fighter. I'm so sorry. I can't remember your name. I'm so sorry. And I know that I know you and I apologize, but he's in a bar and this guy's like, he's in a tie. What?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, it's not Connor. He's in a tie and he's holding court. He's talking shit. You know, he's a big guy, right? He's probably done a couple bumps of Coke. And then the MMA fighter walks past him, bumps in him a little bit and says, I'm sorry. The guy's like, yeah, watch out where the fuck you're going. And he's like, huh? He's like, you heard me, bitch.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And he was like, and just knocks him out real quick. Has he, does anyone remember that video? I forget. Joe Schilling, Joe Schilling, Joe Schilling. Just wait. Watch Joe Schilling knock this guy out. So Joe Schilling walks by, and he's like, excuse me, bud. Sorry. I didn't mean to bump into you. And then he keeps going. The guy goes, hey, man, watch out where you're going. He says, what?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
That's a big boy. Oh. That wasn't fair. No, it's fair. That's fair. That's why. Hang on. Hang on. And I need to say this to, I want to say this to everyone listening. You should never hit a woman. You should also never hit a man. Yeah. I don't like getting hit also. Only hit non-binary people as well. This is why you don't talk shit to people.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Unless you're really good at fighting and you're looking to fight that night, do not talk shit. Be kind to everyone. Give everyone love. Because there are guys like Joe Schilling who just are wired a little differently. And they assess threat quicker than the average person. And they go, I'm like, Joe Schilling's like, you know, Tommy told me this. I didn't hear it from Joe.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
But Joe Rogan only wears pants that he can kick in.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
That's Ari Shaffir. Oh, nice. Hold on. Ari Shaffir, I'm sitting here with Matthew Broussard. We're doing a podcast. Just wanted to tell you we love you.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Let's go for a hike. What's that? Come over. Let's go for a hike. I'm getting drunk right now. I love that.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Okay, bye. I have been keto for... Almost two years now, but I cheat. I cheat every now and then. I can't help it. I want treats. I don't have to cheat anymore. Magic Spoons got these high-protein treats that are crispy, crunchy, airy, and an easy way to get 12 grams of protein on the go. They come in amazing flavors, like marshmallow. This is chocolate peanut butter, and they are phenomenal.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It was so great. Thank you. It was so great. I'm really like... And can I tell you, I never saw any of that shit on the road.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And they come in awesome flavors like dark chocolate almond, honey almond, and peanut butter. And I'm telling you, man, These are a no-brainer. If you're like me and you do your best, you're on the road, you're trying your best to eat and keep your body in ketosis, these are a great way to treat yourself and get a little something different in your flavor profile.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
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Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
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Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and you use code BERT at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code BERT at liquidiv.com.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, it's so good. And I just as... Looking at it, I was like... I remember one time I got a compliment and they were like, your jokes per minute are really great. I was like, I don't feel like I have any jokes in my act. Then I watched yours and I was like, oh, I know what they were saying. Even in the small detail, the small detail isn't given as a detail, it's given as a joke.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
That is, it's so fascinating because I don't like, I would never. There's a great comic in New York who, I wish I knew his name and I'm sure you do, who stood up for a woman on a subway and someone cut him his face with a razor blade. He's got a mustache.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Doug Smith. Doug Smith. Doug Smith. Yeah.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
She just walked in and you go, guys, I don't have any dog in this fight. You back up. He can get in. Let's go.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's the fact that you're saying it and that not everyone... I'm going to end up with an awesome scar. Not everyone had a good parent in their life. That's the thing. It's like the last real confrontation I got into. And it was like I was getting into them at a certain age. I had both kids. And I was getting ready to shoot my Comedy Central special, I think. Comfortably done.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Must have been 2000... Whoa, I don't know, nine, 2009 was the last confrontation. And I was pulling, I was taking a left. You know how like sometimes you'll take a left on a busier street and cars are coming. And as you turn left, someone's crossing the street. And the guy, the guy slowed down, like slowed down intentionally. And I fucking honked at him and I scared him.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
So now his adrenaline's up. Mine's not, his is up. And as I pull, he's like, that's what's up. Get the fuck out of the car. And as a power move, I threw it in reverse and backed him. I go, what the fuck did you say? And he did not give a fuck. He was like, that's what I was looking for. I was looking for you to get close so I could punch you. And he happened to be on my passenger side window.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And the first thing I saw is he had adult braces. And I was like, this is a guy whose parents didn't love him.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's given as a humorous punchline. It was fucking brilliant, man. Thank you. Thank you so much. I appreciate you even watching. How did your brain get you into comedy? I don't think we've ever talked... So let's explain the way your brain works. Because you are... You tutor for free. You tutor math to children on your spare time because you enjoy it. Yes.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yeah. And he's holding on by a thread. He's got his life together, but he's still the kid who's just got adult braces because he wants to fit into society. And I'm bringing him back into the fucking, no, be the loser your parents believe you are. Mm-hmm. And I was like, that guy's going to fuck me up. I took off like a bitch.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Where can you stab someone so you don't kill them? Because that's what I need to know. Thigh? No, fucking femur. Your femoral artery. Oh, good call. Yeah, don't do the thigh. And you also look gay if you're going, looks like you're going for his dick. And he's like, but don't touch my dick.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
78. And knowing that age of where you just misspeak with the, my favorite line is that, is, and I don't, not to, everyone go watch a special, but when you, at the end, the resolution, she's like, why?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
So fucking funny. It's so funny, but it's so true. It's like, all right, I already did the damage. You're not going to accept my apology. You're not going to. Yeah. What am I apologizing for? Yeah. When Tony Hinchcliffe got, you know, they tried to attack him for the thing he said. And it's Ari never apologized. Ari's never apologized. Tony's never apologized. I think Shane kind of apologized.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I think he did. He did for... He seemed to feel bad about what he did and expressed that. I think he's... I think he's very different than Ari and Tony in that he is genuinely a sweet guy, but the things that make him laugh are the things that make him laugh. And his attempt is always to make you laugh.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's the dream. When you get stressed out, you take math problems into your bunk and you work out.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I think, really honestly, if Shane's guilty of anything, it's not understanding that they didn't understand he was just trying to make them laugh. I think he was just like, guys, this is what I do. I'm going to fuck up again. I'm just trying to make people laugh. Ari is defiant. Ari's like, it was a joke.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I mean, Ari said horrible stuff about my children online and refused to apologize to Leanne because he goes, it was a joke.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Like, just like, like, I fucking kill it.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
arithmetic or whatever i'd love to know what you think i'm doing i don't understand you at all there's you're one of the most confusing guys and who i love i love because come on we'll get these pieces here i feel like pete you should sit in the room and just chime in whenever you feel free because pete's been on the road with you he's got the same kind of brain too pete and i both love math and puzzles for the sake of puzzles
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Being a mediocre fucking hero? Uh-huh. That's a great name for a fucking album. Yeah. Being a mediocre hero or being a tortured... What is it?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Oh, rolling the rock and it never ends. Yeah, is that Sisyphus? Am I wrong? Hey, look who just showed up. Look who just showed up.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Just keep rolling, Halston. Just keep rolling. Are you rolling?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yeah. Did you get two bottles of fucking? Fuck yes.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yes. Hey, get some cigars out too. Get some cigars out. I got great cigars.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Oh, I like, we were talking about standup and arenas. Ari is against arenas.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Without a doubt. That's a different thing. No, hang on. That's a different thing. Let me tell you why you're a complicated friend. You constantly say the one thing, and then when I prove you wrong, you go, well, hold on.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, no, no. Look, we're going to split hairs. But the truth is, he didn't like me. You know what he said to me when he paid me? You know what he said? He goes, I already got you, but better. And I went, really? And he pointed to a picture of Chad Daniels, and I couldn't disagree. I was like, he is better looking. He is a fucking, he's clean. What the fuck? I was like, yeah, you got me. You got me.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Lewis, what's his name? Lee. Lewis Lee. He never liked me. He really didn't like me. Never booked me once, but I still would rather do that. You don't need to act me? No, you're talking about, okay, here's what you're saying. Do you want to do the Ball Center or Comedy Works? Comedy Works. Million dollars, Comedy Works. Without a fucking doubt, Comedy Works.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Arenas are fun. Green rooms are better. The gyms are better. The food's better.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
That's great. We have different lives. You got to incorporate that into it. It is fun to go and have a full access to a full professional gym or a basketball. They give you a basketball court so you can shoot basketball. You got a cold plunge. You got a sauna. You got a fucking whirlpool. I mean, it's so wildly fucking fun. You got to do them in order to be able to criticize them.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Mars attacks. When do you think that reference will go away that people won't remember that anymore? I didn't remember it. The alien from Flintstones? Oh my God. What's his name? Oh, I don't remember. He would say to Fred Phillips on, hey, fatso.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
But you're like, you're pretty, you're pretty like straight wired. Not a, like you at a strip club is maybe the most humorous thing I've ever seen in my entire life in the world. You think he's a keyed in. Locked in. You are just such a unique person. That's why I enjoy you. It's like, you know, I always say this about
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's all Rift. I didn't know that was there. No, I said Jewish on my mom's side. You know, you are so fucking critical sometimes. You are so, you're critical to be critical. I walked in and I said, here are the three things I want to talk to you about. His brain's different. His mom's bipolar. Bipolar mom, Judaism. Judaism. And his fiance, Laura. And his fiance, Laura.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And they said those all out loud. And they wrote them down to remind me. That's good. That is a nice thing to have. I'm always like, what do I want to get back to? I'm trying not to make everything about myself. I'm trying to talk to someone and listen. And I will tell you right now, I am an interrupter, okay? But I did something really good.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
He told me a story about getting in a fight with a guy with a knife.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Ooh. You know what I said? What? I said, who's still carrying around a knife? You went the other way. I started asking about knives. And I learned, in this podcast, I learned what you guys are- And by the way, I'm never going to stop being who I am because then we get into a place of self-hatred, of not liking yourself. And you're like, that's not a way to succeed in life. But I go, I do want to-
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I do want to not just tell a story about me because then that just ends the conversation.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Think about your favorite leader, your favorite mentor, and maybe your favorite idol. They don't always have all the answers, but they do know when to ask questions or seek support from their community. In a society that glorifies hyper-independence, it is easy to forget that we're all better when we have a support system behind us, therapy.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
He's like, you know, the stuff we talk about here, maybe highlight it and bring it into therapy. It was the truth, man. I got into therapy and everything started to fall into place. Therapy is amazing. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, do BetterHelp is your only option. It is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
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Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Spring cleaning isn't just about finally accepting that you're never going to fit back into your high school letterman jacket. It's about cleaning up everything. And I mean everything. And that's where Manscaped's beard and ball bundle comes in. We're talking cheek to cheek, front yard to backyard. Hell, even the side hedges. I used to have a joke about that.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
If you trim back the hedges, there's a lot more sidewalk. The beard hedger keeps your beard crisp like a freshly bloomed flower while the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra clears out the underbrush. Bro, I just cleaned my underbrush and it is amazing. I will tell you what I did. I took the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra Dual Blade System with interchangeable foil and trimmer blades.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
That keeps it smooth, fresh, and clean. What I did then is I squatted over a mirror and I shaved everything underneath. And I will simply say... that I have never felt cleaner in my entire life. I trimmed everything on the undercarriage, everything on the little road to the valley. The valley, I trimmed around the valley. I got everything.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
People's like, you find the thing you like, but like, explain yourself, your brain to people that maybe don't know or how you see the world or what you enjoy, puns and whatnot.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Both devices feature a waterproof design, perfect for a quick shower sesh or an easy cleanup. The Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra comes with an LED spotlight and a built-in travel lock. The LED spotlight comes in so handy because anytime you're trying to trim your ass hairs, it's going to be dark down there. So don't just cut corners on your grooming routine.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
upgrade to the beard and ball bundle from Manscaped. Visit manscaped.com and use code BERT to get 20% off plus free shipping. If you need it today, you can find Manscaped at a store near you. Stay fresh this season for everyone's sake. Level up your grooming game today, just like I did.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, am I supposed to not tell it? No, I was prompting you. I was saying, does this happen? Is that a prompt? Because he didn't tell his story about it. He seemed like he was about wrapped. I was wrapped, yeah. No, no, you jumped in the other time. In conversation, I'm just saying this as a regular person, would be like, oh, you know what? I do have a good story about that.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Okay. I got one too. Tell yours first. Well, I'd like to hear yours. And if yours is better, I won't tell mine. Let me just talk about math the rest of the time.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
You're right. You're right. Let me tell mine first. You are so fucking right. I just know you better than most people know you. You are so fucking right. This is like when a woman... You are so fucking right. You are so fucking right. I was like, there's no way I'm not telling my story.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
But it's also, isn't there a part of you as a comic that wants to maybe see if there's something there? Like you're exploring? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm not a one-liner guy. I wish I was like Mark Norman where we go, I have a story. He goes, stories. Quit master. Yeah. Quit tag. You're involved. You're out. Yeah, you're in and out. It's like he didn't interrupt. He just goes, ah, stories.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Tuesdays with stories. Morning stories. You know, flurry flurries. Gory, gory, gory, gory.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
But it's fun to be that personality on a podcast. But when you're a storyteller, it's tough. Can't do skanks.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
There's so many people hammering. Skanks is a great podcast, but I just listen when I'm on it. I don't really talk. Amico is the guy who can drop in with a perfect line and then pull right back.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Crush. Back. Boom. He is genuinely fucking awesome. And with one line, his brain is so sharp.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Now, do you think I'm going to tell my first story or the one I thought of while you were telling that story? The second one.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, the first one's not going to work. It's not going to work. There's a story about Brian Cox challenging.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Actually, you know what? Back to the first. Here's what happens to me. When I hear a new story, I get a third. And so now I'm judging all my stories going like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And all I want to say is what I want to do is add to yours. This is the new thing I'm working on. I'm working on it a lot. Let's talk about anti-Semitism.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
What are you doing? No, just go into the bathroom. Don't do it in front of her. We have all women here, and it's streaming live downstairs. It sure is streaming. No, no, no. Ari, just go downstairs. We're going to have to use that cup later. We're going to have to. Ari, Ari. Ari, no. Ari. Ari, this is like me not listening. You're going to have way more than that in there. You think so?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
You're going to have way more than that in there. It's not big enough.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, no, but you have to empty your bladder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, because it goes all over the floor.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I've never seen someone actually release his penis to get the pee. Oh, Sandra, I'm sorry.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Wait, you really are almost done peeing. Okay, $10. You didn't cut it off, right?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Pete, will you remove this, please? No, what's that? Can I get rid of this?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Oh, they're going to blame that because you're Jewish.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I got to piss in a cup to make you equal.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I feel like the way that people in Omaha felt about the LA fires and they're like, yeah, I'm not there. And then you're like, well, yeah, but we're affected. And they're like, oh, yeah, I know, but I'm not going to donate money because it's not my thing. I just don't care.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yeah, I find it fascinating. What the fuck you laugh about, Christine? I'm pretty. I find it fascinating that there was a shift. Because I grew up where it was like, yo, we support Israel. Don't be anti-Semitic. I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up. And so... I'll do it.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
No, no, no. Let's come up with a real number.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
We've got a deal. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. If you're going to take a sip of Ari's piss for a thousand dollars, I will give you... I mean, unless Pete, unless you want to go 900. Jewish man pays Goy to drink his piss. Oh, hang on. Hang on. Come over here and do it on camera. God, careful. Are you going to throw up?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Wait, I'll just give you $1,000. To not do it? Wow. I did it. I'm going to give you $5,000. To do it one more time. What did it taste like? Hey, hey, someone give him $5,000. Someone give him $5,000. Okay, $1,000, $1,000, $1,000. What did it taste like?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Hey, everyone go see Matthew Broussard's special on YouTube. It's called Hyperbolic. It's streaming right now. And that is your promo clip. Oh my God. Special on YouTube. Hyperbolic. Did he floor you? Did he floor you?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Is it fucking Black History Month already? Yeah. Is this streaming downstairs?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yeah. I would have loved a video of the reaction of all the women downstairs. I didn't watch it. I covered my eyes. You didn't watch it? I sat right next to it. I couldn't watch it.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Is that why you came up? Do you ever have a fantasy to have a woman piss on you?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
You just got to do it. You can do anything. Pete said it today. You can do anything for six minutes. You can do anything for six minutes. You can do anything for a fucking second. Can't go down on a girl for six minutes. I can. I can. I like to take my time with it. I want my hors d'oeuvres. It's so funny. Leanne can't eat snails. She can't drink piss.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
She can't eat... Oh, because you're just in France. Yeah, we ate... I ate maybe 148 snails.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I'm cool to not go anywhere for a second. I'm great.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
These are my favorite. Let's relax on Zen.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
They're pretty rare, but I don't have them. I'm going to get you the right one because I know you're not a big cigar guy. The only cigar I've ever smoked was with you. It's Davidoff. I'll tell you the story about... That's Winston Churchill's very cigar. Don't waste it on me if it's really good. No, no, no. No. What?
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yeah. No, no, no, no. These are interesting cigars and they're a larger ring game.
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# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Right. Oh, yeah, yeah. When having my daughters go, dad, your man's playing. I go, no, no, I'm 52. Right. And your children. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Pivot. Do you think that TikTok and Instagram and YouTube. Pivot. Hard pivot. Yeah. Is changing the way people do stand up?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I don't do crowd work clips. I'm saying stand up. I'm going to also say this. I'm going to say this. I don't post any of my stand up online.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Then the second was, hang on, hold on. Is that about right? I got to say this for real. Schultz was really good at crowd work because when he talked to people, like he seemed to know the thing he was taught. I said that to him one time. I was like, how do you know about the fucking Indian? Yeah. How do you know about these? Like, I don't know. I grew up in New York, but keep going. I'm interrupted.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's like a brisk. And now you got to suck it. Yeah. Just like a brisk.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Yes, very funny. Can I stop and say, he puts out almost a new hour every month. Yeah. And they're really good. And it's really thoughtful and long. And they're really thoughtful and long. I'm going to say this with love, but not fucking beginning to end hysterical, but very thoughtful. It can't be as dense given the timeline.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
So wait, I asked this, I'm going to ask this to both of you. Okay. But I'll ask it to Matthew first. Matthew, what do you want out of this special? What do you want? Dream scenario, like dream scenario. I already got it.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
What's interesting. Uh, I've been thinking about this a little bit. To watch people blow up past you is interesting. It's fascinating. It does... If you don't like them, it fucks with your ego. And if you like them, it is a compliment. Yes. It's like a compliment because you like the right person.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Oh my God. Let's not get started about the Grammys.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It was kind of rough to see the winners.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Congratulations. Thank you. It's... and it's hilarious. It's a needed message for our time. But what's your goal from this?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Hang on. And I'm going to put goals out for you.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I'd love to do a straight up theater tour. I'd like to do an abroad tour. I would like simply to just do well enough to be able to release specials on Netflix. I would like to make a million dollars. I would like my peers to look at me differently. What do you want out of this special? And you could also have Matthews where this is who I was at this moment. I also want a trillion followers.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. Hey, guys. My new special, Lucky, is streaming on Netflix March 18th.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's going to be me. I'm one person. I'm going to do it. You said to Jim Gaffigan that you took ayahuasca and it helped you not deal with comments online or negative comments or something?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I have a haircut downstairs waiting for me.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
That's not called farewell. It's just like, I'll see you in a minute.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Ari Shaffir's American Sweetheart is... America's Sweetheart is... American's Sweetheart? America's. America's Sweetheart is streaming right now on Netflix. His podcast, You Be Trippin', is awesome. And I want to give a shout out to the gangster of the fucking night, Halston.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I remember I was probably lowest in my career when we were all at Montreal and when you did the roast. And you were a monster on those roasts. Thank you. And I was like, that's his brain. That's his brain. It's fucking...
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
You cannot cut that out. You were a warrior. Halston, you won. You won. Halston, you won. You won. Halston, no way can you cut that out. Halston, you redefine what we do. No. No way. You can't cut that out. That's crazy. Halston, we've got to find a creative way to keep it in. We've got to find a creative way to fucking.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Wow, look at this. Negotiations. Now you know why they were on the media.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
How about we don't say your name and bleep your face? Hang on. Black over your eye. Black over your eye. No one will ever know it's you. It would be so good for my special. We blur your whole fucking body. That's crazy. You have to.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And I know I said I don't care about the views, but I care about the views. It's not that crazy. I wouldn't even worry about it. It's not that big. It's not even that big. I wouldn't even worry about it.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It was never gone like that. It was the greatest moment I've ever had in a show ever. I agree. I offered you $5,000. What? Hang on. What is bothering you about this? I don't want you to be piss boy, okay? I don't blame you. That's fair. Duffy, don't do it again. Then you might become piss boy. I'll drink my own piss right now if you let me release it. Nope, I'm drinking my piss right now.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
You don't need to do this. I can't piss. You got to stop talking. Don't record it, Art.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Not bad. Don't smell it first. I've never done it. All right. It was a great episode. Hey, guys, if you didn't catch all the episodes, there's a lot more to it. This should explain more things that were cut out, but I hope you had a great episode. Congrats to Matthew Broussard, his new special, Hyperbolic, is on YouTube right now.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Ari Shaffir has got a great special on American Sweetheart on Netflix. My name is Bert Kreischer. Check out my special, Lucky, streaming on Netflix March 18th. God bless America. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It's... When you talk about ego, how does that... When you go to those festivals and you deal with other comics' egos and you deal with people who in the pecking order of I'm here, they're here, but we're all the same age and we all kind of started together and now I'm going to treat you a little different. Does that fuck with you at all? I get it...
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Does it still trouble you? No. We've kind of moved above all of it. Yeah, but it really fucked me up. Leanne and I are in couples therapy. I've talked about this, and I don't mind talking about it. I think everyone should be in therapy. Everyone should be in couples therapy.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Oh, nice. Yeah. But it's... It was something that bothered me when I was younger. It really bothered me. Like, I remember that exact festival, there was a very famous comic that had, we were all at a party, but there was a very famous comic there, and he had it roped off for him, and he was allowing people to be roped to let in. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And so was it, but we're at one party and then they were like, yeah, but you can't come in cause you got to stay over there. But it was the same party. Yeah. It was really confusing. Yeah. It very, it very much hurt me, like bothered me. And, and Tom was allowed in and I wasn't. And Tom was doing really, Tom had a really hot festival that year. I think I was like 42 or 43.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
So what I'd love for you to do, if you don't mind, go to Netflix, set yourself a reminder to watch Lucky March 18th on Netflix. I hope you enjoy it.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And to say, okay, I'm happy for my friend who's doing better than me. But I also have to assess that this is affecting how I feel about myself. But can I separate the two? Can I be analytical about it and go, it is awesome that Tom's getting to buy a house. I remember him saying that to me. He's like, dude, if I do this, I can buy a house. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And I was like, okay, that, I want that for my friend. Like, why wouldn't I want Tommy to have a house? And then you go, but I'm, I have a house, but I'm, maybe I, maybe I won't be working anymore in comedy. Maybe I'm just going to be this journeyman. And, Those feelings, especially at a festival, I feel like sometimes are highlighted.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I can get into, um, like I can get into like a Kendrick Lamar, the, the disc track he did for, uh, for what was the name?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Everyone stood up and applauded Drake being a pedophile.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And they're his... I mean, they technically are his peers and his friends. They're his friends. Like, if they saw him, they'd give him love.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Oh, it was funny. Can I tell you? Secret time, secret time. I might text it with Schultz. I think it was about, I don't know if... but I don't know. I had three people tell me that it was about them. I had three people separately go, there's an argument for each. Yeah. And, but Schultz kind of claimed it was like, it's me, which is a great, which is a great marketing move.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
Um, Schultz is, I mean, I, you know, I gotta be, I gotta give it that guy. That guy is, uh, And I would love to, I would love to be better friends with him. I don't see him. And when we see each other, we're cool. We hang out or whatever, like say hi. Yeah. He's not like a big party drinker. So we're never going to like end up at a bar getting into a bottle, getting into a bottle.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
It was the greatest moment I've ever had in a show ever. Aperol spritzes. Have you ever had an Aperol spritz?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
But like, I would love to fucking deep dive his brain and to see what, if he can detach. Cause the internet came after him when he said he was going to rape. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And all he could do, I texted Schultz, my favorite line of the whole thing, all he could do is decide if it's consensual.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
And by the way, I also respect that it's a wild big swing that not everyone's going to get. That's what I liked about it. But I'm curious, do you think that affected Kendrick? Because it was a slam. Kendrick lost, right?
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
I'm certain someone... If someone said, I'm raping Burt Kreischer and he can't do anything about it, I guarantee you someone's like, have you seen this? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 667 - Matthew Broussard & Ari Shaffir Get Shocked
screenshots on your phone hey i think this is about you mark baron said something casually about so you think about another comic and everyone's like he's talking about you so you think he's losing the kendrick lost by not responding are we goading no no no no i'm gonna no i'm gonna no i don't want to say my response it's not it's not i don't think it's uh I'm not going to say my response.
Bertcast
# 663 - Felipe Esparza’s Brother Stole His Identity
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
Bertcast
# 663 - Felipe Esparza’s Brother Stole His Identity
We can do it. We did it. Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
You know how hard it is to get a good realistic-looking bust? The odds are like 1 in 20.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
But I guess where we're different is that I don't think it's for me to see the every corner of someone's life
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I'm fascinated by a lot of famous people. Like who? I love Elvis. I love John Wayne.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Did you watch the documentary on him on Netflix? I haven't, but I've read everything about him. It must be a new documentary. It's brand new. It's about his comeback show. I didn't even know there was one.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Did you see, there's a great book called Elvis and Nixon.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, amazing. Or no, I think it was a documentary. Really? I think. For anybody listening that hasn't seen it, basically, Elvis was a gun nut and wanted to be able to have guns everywhere, including airplanes. He was a crazy person. And they knew the only way he could do that was to become one of the people... What is it called? Deputized. What's the people on an airplane? A marshal. A marshal.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So if he could become a marshal, then he could get a gun. And he knew Nixon could do that. Now, this might break everyone's brain that politics and entertainment never overlapped back then.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And now, yeah, you've got Meg the Stallion twerking her pussy for Kamala Harris's campaign trail. It's insane. But that wasn't a thing. So when these guys go, hey, you know, Elvis has been waiting at a hotel across the street for a week to meet you. Nixon's like, I'm not going to meet with Elvis.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And so, like, Elvis just waited him out, and basically these young guys had an idea, like the first publicity stunt, if you will. We're like, just give him five minutes. And he's like, fine. So he gives him five minutes. And Elvis is so charming, and he is so the it factor of entertainment that... He's won over by Elvis. He's like mesmerized by him.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Nixon and them couldn't be... They're the yin to the yang. One is like a conservative, old, grumpy, hates young people. And one is like the Bieber of his time.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, what happened was Elvis wore a cape and looked like a crazy person and was hungover, probably drunk at the time also. On pills. But then he was like... He kind of got Nixon's ear. The way I remember it in the book was by being like, you know, these European, like the Beatles, the monkeys, they're all trying to take our girls. They're trying to ruin our country. And Nixon's like, yes.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yes, that's right. They're these commies, you know, like and so like he kind of got his ear that way. But then Elvis did like the kata for him, like did like a whole karate. They ended up meeting with each other for, you know, over an hour. And he did make him a marshal, which is insane. But like you should read the book.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
It's like they're the one hour of Elvis colliding with Nixon is the most bizarre thing. Our ever, but it's also just this great human bridge of being like, that's a crazy person who's really exciting on that side. And Nixon's a crazy person who's on this side. And it's a beautiful like marriage of kind of what happened.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So Joe told me a thing that I thought Joe told everybody. So I went around telling it because I figure anything Joe's told me, he said on a podcast or something. Long time ago, he was like, I'd have them. And I was like, well, then you should have them. And this is a long time ago. And he goes, well, what happens is they want to know what I'm going to ask them.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I don't want to do that. He doesn't want to have to sit there and read the questions. He just wants to have a conversation. If they're willing to just have a conversation, he'll do it. That's probably why Obama didn't come on. Probably why Biden didn't come on. Obama went on Marc Maron. He went to that cat infested house. That's what I think is so great.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Marc Maron is still the most grumpy, miserable fuck in our industry. He had everything. He still has everything. He has everything. He can't be happy.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
He just can't be happy. The president went to your shitty garage, and you're still miserable. You go to the comedy store, everyone falls in love with themselves to talk to you, and you're still mad. What's it going to take for... I think it's a disposition thing.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, because they love you. And they were hoping you would dunk on me. No, I'm not kidding. I would never dunk on you.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I agree with... If that's what you're trying to say, I agree. I was also drunk. And also, if you were trying to be funny, then that's all erased.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I agree with that. I 100% agree with that. However, substances are very tricky.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
It's my belly. Yeah, like the bull's balls, but you rub bird's belly.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, I think the point I was trying to make about your statement was just that one, like, because everyone was like, oh, you don't get how comedy works. I was like, I didn't see a joke.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what I was saying. Here's where my brain immediately went. My Jeff Dye brain went. Well, there's probably a guy somewhere in Iowa that doesn't have Bert's life or temperament or confidence or talent or family or support system or bank account or anything who's like, yeah, Bert's right.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And then he, you know, knocks down a thing of scotch at his work and then punches his wife. And then he's like, I'm here for the party, baby, takes his shirt off. And it's not cute when he does it.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
But you're Bert Kreischer. That's what I was trying to say on Rogan. Patrice tries to give advice to these guys, and he's Patrice. He forgets he's Patrice. The advice is totally different.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And when I told that story on Rogan about Patrice, if you guys go watch me on that. What was the story? Because I listened to the episode. Yeah, and I was trying to remember the way Patrice said it because I don't remember word for word because I was drunk.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
But I just remember being at the cellar and I'm stressed about this girl that's literally across the street in my apartment who we're going through a whole thing. She had to have like an ectopic.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
pregnancy which is basically a forced abortion and like she's mad at me and I didn't do anything but like it's just stressful you know hormones are raging and I'm all you know and so then Patrice's advice was like nah here's what you do I see the way people look at you around here you're a good looking kid alright you know you find some bitch tonight and you forget about all that back there you drink you have some good time you whatever and then when the time comes you bring her back to your apartment and
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Did you see that video? No. Mike Tyson? No. There's the funniest thing you'll ever see with a little girl. With the child? I haven't laughed harder. I laugh often. You know, we're comedians, but that's the hardest I've laughed in years. He just goes to a little girl legacy. This is some word that everyone said. Now they repeat it every five seconds. He's like, who cares? You're dead.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
You know, you said, this is how it's going to be. Okay, you got a problem with this? I go, this is the worst advice I've ever, like, to his face. I go, this is the worst advice I've ever been given. And you know, that was 100% what he would do.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And I was like, huh? There's different worlds. There's different people. There's different... You can handle your booze. I've watched it.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, people didn't wake up in between my ears, you know?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, there's nothing more fun than being drunk with your buddies and doing shots and all that stuff. That's a very fun lifestyle, and I do miss that at times. But what I had to get to the core of, like you were trying to say, is that like... this is, you know, that you are the problem and not the booze, is I was looking for connection.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
You know, I'm just a little kid, dude, that wanted his parents to love him. I wanted friends at school. I would make friends with fucking anyone from Ben Wheeler, like the lowest of the hierarchy in my school, all the way up to Anthony Medina, who's the coolest. I just wanted someone to say, hey, want to hang out? Let's be friends. I... I was looking for connection.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I used alcohol to get that connection. And once I realized that I didn't need the alcohol for that, people were like, I'll hang out. You don't have to take us to the chimney sweep and get us drunk, Jeff. We love you. And it was like this healing of like, oh, so I don't have to spend all this money and I don't have to like drunk drive every night.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And I don't have to like, you know, be sad in the morning because there's a chemical imbalance. I'll wake up in the morning like just depressed when I was drinking.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah. And I was like, but I don't want this no more. Yes. And so if I can have all the connection, maybe sometimes even better connection and my career is better and my hair is growing better. My skin is better. My dick works again. Like, you know what I'm saying?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Oh, those are all my heroes, by the way. Tom Waits, fucking Bob, John Wayne. They all just like, they look like a catcher's mitt.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
He looked really rough. Yeah, but that's a cool guy. And that's, again, that story right there, just him wanting to connect. Yeah. That's his way of connecting with you. And after the show, people buying you shots, that's just them trying to connect. They just love you.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, you don't want to reject their friendship. You don't want to reject their, I totally get that. So now I give them a hug. I fucking hang out with them. I say, listen, you don't got to buy me nothing. I'm here for you. I got you. Let's like, whatever you want.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Can we play this? It's my favorite thing. I've watched this over a thousand times.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Oh, gosh, I have a joke about it. For real? Yeah, I go, you guys ever had a joke?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So the joke is I go, have you guys ever had sober sex? Which just that question strikes the audience is like, of course we have. I never. Never. I've never had sober sex.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I was always buzzed or something. I had at least a couple of whiskeys or something. I actually thought at like age 26, like my dick didn't work. Like I was like, oh, I got to start using Blue Chew or Viagra. It's no, Jeff. It's the gallon of whiskey you drink every day. Your tolerance is so high. But I didn't even put the two together.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
That's just a word everyone uses every five seconds. Like he's dunking on her interview style and that the people say it all the time. Now play it again.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So I'm crushing whiskey all night and then it pop in like Blue Chews. I'm surprised my heart didn't explode. But anyways, I go, do you guys ever had sober sex? And then I'm like, I had sober sex the other night. I was like, this is actually kind of gross. It's super uncomfortable. I can't believe we're doing this.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I'm in you. The idea of it is barbaric. It's crazy that people do it all the time. She has this weird wound. I have this weird thing, and I put it in there. When you start thinking about it, you're like, what are we doing? I'm just doing this with anyone? I can't believe this.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
That's weird. And the joke, I'm like, yeah, I'm just talking too much. I was overstimulated with sober sex. I was just like, thank you so much. She's like, don't thank me. I'm like, cool titties. She's like, don't say cool titties. I don't want this to end. Can we do this again soon? Cool titties. I'm going over everything. Cool titties. Wow, I'm in you. I really like your nipples.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Do you like my nipples? It was like that. It's just really strange. Did you do it with lights on? Yeah, might as well, Ben. Yeah, it was crazy.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
uh yeah oh no it's not really court ordered oh okay that was just a funny way to get into it yeah yeah uh the court ordered part i guess it probably was court ordered in the beginning but i had made the decision so what happened was uh i crashed my car i had this whole thing and i was actually just dealing with it for a few days in my own privacy You know?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, that was you got... And then my ex put it on her podcast. Oh, that's fucking... And then because she put it on the podcast, that made it... Everybody gets to comment on my DUI. Now it's in all the tabloids. Now it's in People Magazine. Not because of me. I'm not famous enough. No one cared that I crashed my car.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
But because she wanted to dunk on me and make me look like the biggest loser in the world. And my buddy Josh, God bless his heart, man, really... What a great guy. Josh Nelson, great comedian from San Diego. Opens for me. He's awesome. He knew it happened before I did. He heard the podcast and got like some texts or something that she trashed me on this podcast.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And he drove up and he was just at my house. He's like, what's up, dude? What are you doing today? Let's hang out. And I was like, this is nice. Then I realized, oh, once I checked my computer, like everyone is talking about how she was like, I didn't even know why I was going to coffee. She just really broke my heart.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Let me tell you one good, I have plenty of flaws. I'm a flawed man like anyone else. But one of my strong suits is that I only care about the person. So when Chris D'Elia went through shit, I'm ride or die with Chris D'Elia. Yeah, you were just at his Thanksgiving party. I don't care. I love him. And he's a great man. And he's been canceled, which is humiliating. He's become a father.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
He's a great man. You will never see... If it turns out you crashed your car and got some DUI and everyone thinks you're a loser and all these... I'm here. I'm right down the road, dude. If you need to fucking sit by me and drink, I got you. You'll always have that with me as far as in life. That's one of my strong suits. That's kind of like what I provide as Jeff Dye. Similar to her, my ex.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I keep calling her my ex. She wasn't even my girlfriend. Listen, she wasn't. I would have loved to be her boyfriend. She didn't want me to be. I was some fucking distraction. But she was going through a messy divorce. She confided in me many secrets. She had plenty of moments that when I'm going to...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
a nice restaurant or when I'm coming from the airport and they're trying to get like sound clips for me, like, Hey, you're with Kristen Cavill. And I didn't say anything was very nice to her. I didn't divulge any of her secrets. I didn't divulge any opinions. I didn't say the things that, uh, that are very, very, uh, Tabloidian protected her. I protected her privacy.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And and then the second she had an opportunity to maybe not speak about me, she used it as just a dash hash mark on her podcast. And I'm I take responsibility that I drunk and drove and that I had a drinking problem and that I need to get my life in order and that I'm a piece of shit for doing that. But I didn't deserve all that.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
That was an opportunity. Josh Nelson saw it as an opportunity. I'm going to be there for him.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
She saw it as an opportunity. Like, what a loser. Get your shit together. He sucks. And I'm going to make it everyone's business that doesn't even know who he is. Yeah. And then the other thing that sucked about it is that... Well, lots of things sucked about it. But imagine being able to hear your ex. I don't know. You have a great marriage.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
But imagine if you could hear how your ex talks about you in private. That's really what it was. It was less about my DUI and all my bullshit and anyone else hearing it. More about she knows that I know who she's talking about. Because she's like, I didn't say your name. But here's the thing. I know you're talking about me. And that's how you talk about me?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Like, literally to be like, I don't even know why I agreed to go to coffee with him. Like, I don't even, I hadn't even seen him in forever. Like, to just hear the disdain she had for someone that was in her life for at least a moment in time. Like, I just couldn't. Like, it was literally, it shook me to my foundation. Like, in every part of me. And so I was like, you know what? Fuck her.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And, like, I don't deserve that, and I'm not going to put up with that. It was dog shit.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And I was like, why don't you call yourself real Van Wilder?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And Bert, think about it. You're a dad. Her dad records those on the other side of like a red rope. He's going, this guy's talking to my daughter.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I bet he also knows. I also said... Also, you know, Ryan Reynolds isn't Van Wilder either. Yeah, I know. He's just an actor. He's just some actor. He's not cool. You're cool.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I think he's a great actor, but he's not. We pretend that these guys are actually these things. They're actors, Bert.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
These liberal cucks pretend like they hate guns and they go on this pro thing. You know why we like guns? Because you actors put them in every fucking movie shooting the bad guys and blowing things up and shooting your little gay bow and arrow. There's no way Ryan Reynolds is anti-guns.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
glamorized all of it and then you hide behind your canadian bullshit and go oh yeah but we want peace and love you don't you're full of shit the actors are all pretending to be things you love so you you're van wilder he's an actor who pretended to be a hotter version of you no offense no much hotter i was pretty good looking back then the uh i also wanted to be bigger than that movie like i was like i want to be you are you won i think i may be i'm close i'm close i'm close
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
It was scientifically a DUI. Yeah, scientifically it's a DUI, but this is a... It wasn't like, yeah, it wasn't like grind dancing on the cop car. What are we going to call it? Jerking off to porn cheating now? Come on. That's what it felt like, yeah. It was... Weird thing. I know a lot of housewives that they'll do Xanax and then drink wine and stuff, and that'll stay in your system so long.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
That's what I did. For real? Swear to you. Because, and I said this on Corolla, but what I would do is I would, I was just a drunk and my friends were doing like party drugs. So they're up all night on Coke and I'm upstairs asleep hearing them having fun in my house and being like, man, I'm really missing out.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Oh, really? Yeah. FOMO. I was literally going, I want to be down there with them. And I'm up here because I just need to pass out. And so my buddy told me, I won't say his name. He was like, well, if you just pop these like while we're drinking, you'll stay up. And so I just kept taking these Adderalls like while I'm drinking. Dude. One time I ate one.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I try to be a good man. I try to fight the demons that are in me, you know, to be good. I choose good. You know, once God notices you, so does the devil. And you got to decide, you know, you got to say, I got to make a good choice here. Don't make fun of something, you know. I hate that boom guy. So much. I've never hated anything. He invokes all the worst things in me.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I think it was actually maybe the night I got my deal. I ate it off the floor. I dropped it on the floor of the chimney sweep. And so I was like, anybody watching this would be like, what is that guy doing? Like, I literally took it off the ground and then drank whiskey. It was just terrible.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I've known some people that have taken that many. It's because they wanted to die that night.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, yeah, for sure. You were good for the fucking day. It's like legal cocaine, I guess.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah. I love getting stuff done. And so like an Adderall, like I was like, all of a sudden my sock drawer is organized. My whole house is clean. And I'm like, this drug's the best. And you, and you have wild ideas.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah. She's like, what are you talking about? I was like, you're like, all right, how about this? We put 20 monkeys in a house and they're like, what are you talking about?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
We go to Epstein Island. The girls don't need their, don't know they're being filmed. Like, what are you talking about?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I like this idea. Well, not superior. I wouldn't use that term, but, uh, black wins, you know, superior might be a little nerve wracking.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And then he whores out his whole family. I wish every time that someone would just... Some real man with a sniper would just take that whole family out. Okay, first of all... The dancing...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
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Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
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Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I'm going to live in Texas. Really? I'm buying a place in Austin in the next few months. Really? Yeah. And I'll keep my place in LA because I just love my home in Los Angeles. Like it's... I've made it my own. I can afford to have both. So like I just don't... And I don't want to really close a chapter here.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I love them. But do you hate love them? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's hate love. It's hate love. The way you watch that kid. First time I ever heard of that kid that jumps off stuff and goes... Oh, hold on. No, no, no, no, no. Superhuman? Yeah, yeah. You love him. I fucking love him. Yeah. I fucking love Superhuman. I never heard of him until I did your podcast. I love Superhuman.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Because what if I get to Austin and after like a year, I'm like, well, this isn't what I thought it was going to be. I still have the LA home. But Texas... feels like a better fit for me. Like when I go to the comedy store, I'm treated like a customer. Like nobody even acknowledges me. People go, oh, can I get a picture with you? And I'll go, yeah. And they go, are you going on? I go, no, I'm not.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I'm like shadow banned from like the comedy store, even when I'm there. Yeah. Whereas I went to Mothership and everyone was like, what's up, dude? And like, hey, do you mind jumping on a show over here? Like it just felt like, it felt so much more welcoming and way more nice. And like everywhere you go, people are like, Hey, I love your comment.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Like it just felt nice to get your flowers a little bit. And I felt like Texas felt like that for me. So I'm going to go there.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I like him. Cause I'll give you an example. I did Harlan Williams podcast, uh, Harlan is one of my favorite comedians ever, but I don't know what to do with a pun. So Harlan will hit me with a pun and then I'll just kind of like, I don't know what to do.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
No, I'll tell you exactly why. Because you're the guy. Whenever you're doing that, now you've got to be the Laurel to his Hardy. You've got to be the straight man. You've got to... I'll give you an example. I shot the Is It Cake on Netflix.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And now I watch him and I like that kid. He's got problems, you know, but he's a good kid and he's sweet. And he just has the same interests as me, wrestling and trying to be famous or whatever. But the... Those guys... You're going to have to make a real good argument for me to change my position on these fucks.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And I met the two people I was going to be with. One was like this beautiful, tall black woman who played in the WNBA, who's now a sports reporter. And then this like really sweet guy from like, I don't know, Sweden, some country. Yeah. And he was so nice. And I was like, this is going to be great. It's going to be a great day.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And the second we got into it, he started doing this fucking character. It was like, oh, Vasquez. And I was going, oh, great. Now I got to play along. You know, he's saying all the crazy things and all the extreme things. And I was just going, now, like, I have to yes and all of his. And that's all it is. Oh. Is I only know how to be Jeff. I don't know how to, like...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Play along to someone's... I did Kill Tony. It's actually coming on. I don't know when this airs, but when we're taping, this comes on tonight. Kill Tony, but it was from a couple weeks ago when I was in Austin. And I had to sit next to Rick Glassman. And, dude, Rick's a talented guy, but it's just nonstop schtick. So I don't know what to do.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So, I mean, I probably talked twice the whole Kill Tony because I'm just like, I'm in Rick's world, you know? Like, it's just that character's world, you know?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I barely started to understand this world. And now we're in your world. It's kind of like some bizarre... He's always pulling candy from someone's ear or putting on a mustache in the middle of a conversation. And I'm going, I feel like a grandpa. I'm a pretty old guy. I don't like...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Interesting. So, you know what I hate? I noticed people doing that in Sketch with Tim Robinson. People are doing Tim Robinson now. Of course. Yeah. And he's so genius.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Right. You can see it. I see it all the time on Instagram. He's so funny that when people rip him off, it's funny.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I saw him at Coffee Commissary in Burbank and you know the sketch I think it's season one episode one of I Think You Should Leave on Netflix when he just has a job interview and he's leaving but he doesn't want to be embarrassed because he did pull instead of push and he goes I think you pushed and he's so humiliated he goes No, it does both.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And the guy's like, oh, because I was here yesterday and it actually goes both ways. And the guy's like, okay. So, but then out of pride, he has to like prove that it pulls. So he's just pulling the door off of the fucking hinges. So I ran into him the first time I've ever seen him in real life. And we had that interaction. I was pulling on the thing and he was on the other side.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And so, yeah, I swear to God. And so it was a second in time. But then I realized that I was pushing and not pulling. And then I say, hey, man, I'm a huge fan. But in hindsight, I was like, oh, I kind of did the sketch thing a little bit with him without even knowing.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Because one of the things I like that he does that I've never heard anyone say, so it might be worth saying, is that he makes fun of everyday people's sense of humor. So, like, I hate common humor. I love unique humor. I don't like the everyday thing. Oh, you know what I like about being an uncle? You can give the kids back. I've heard that. Why do you think you're original for saying that?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Someone forgets their keys at the bank. Well, I'm not going to get far without these. Like, I hate that shit. And in his sketches, he makes fun of that stuff. He makes fun of it masterfully as these Coen Brothers throwaways. He'll be like, he'll be like, Oh, this guy's wearing a hot dog suit. Awkward. You know, he'll like make fun of people's.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, me too. Like three cigars a night because I'm not drinking. So the addict is still in me.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Is that what he said? Yeah. I was like. All your friends are afraid of you and won't be honest. No.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I'm doing his next week. I never met him. So I'm doing it next week. He's awesome.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I've been publicly pretty harsh on him. So I'm excited to meet him.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
It never does. And I'll tell you why, because I'm just being honest. And so people go, and when you're trying to be honest, you can be wrong. I'm wrong all the time, but at least I'm being honest. My criticism of Dr. Drew wasn't anything about Dr. Drew, just that maybe we shouldn't exploit people's... Addictions on television? Yeah, maybe we shouldn't have a bunch of celebrities in a house.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
It was fun to watch. Oh, for sure. But I think that might be... Steven Adler getting sober? Medically a little irresponsible.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
You know, like take Dr. Drew for, or not Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, for example, and not Adam Ray, the real Dr. Phil. That poor girl was like a minor, the catch me outside girl. She was a young girl.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
She's got problems and she needs help. Is she rich as shit now? Well, I don't care about how much money she has. Hold on. But he brings her on the show and exploits her. He's like, you got a problem, young lady. And then what'd they do? They just had her back. For everyone in the public to trash her. And everyone in the public, and sure, she's rich. Who cares? I don't care about rich.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
No. You know, sex traffickers make a ton of money, Burt. Mussolini was very... Wait, wait, wait.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I don't measure right and wrong based on how much... She's not doing anything wrong, though. But I don't measure right and wrong based on how much money they made.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, we say, oh, now she has to lean into this cash me outside. I don't give a fuck. Because now she has to be this character.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
There's nothing better than reputation. What about... You've got... Reputation's the best.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And we can put a pin in this and come back because we can talk about this for hours. But I want to hear... So you think these guys... So at least these guys...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
brought her back on another time like you've got a bad attitude young lady and the whole internet is just trashing this poor girl she needs a dad she needs a friend she does need and instead now she has a bunch of money and she spends 20 grand to make her a trump car and go i'm paying for daddy trump like she's stuck yeah she's stuck being this like i don't follow her all i know she's got an only terrible i think she has an only fan another bad choice but but okay
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, I think it is. Yeah, but you're also Christian. Yeah, but also just like in general, like probably not the best thing. Make your money. I guess. I don't really feel like that.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I didn't need to know it was your birthday. The birthday thing might have fucking... Also, prostitution has been a thing since the dawn of civilization. So wait, what kind of porn do you watch?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I'm a man. I have flaws. I'm not perfect. No, it's usually just a beautiful woman blowing a guy. Like, it's pretty... Entry level.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
POV. Yeah. I used to always joke, people go, Jeff, I liked it. Cause I always say that like porn is kind of voyeuristic.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Cause you're like, why is it hot to watch two other people have sex? I want to be the one having sex. And then people go, well, Jeff, I watch POV. And I was like, wow, what an imagination you got. That you can, you would believe a woman like that would be with you. And now you're a black guy? Like, that's pretty good imagination. Wait, have you seen... In my fantasy, I have a huge black neck.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Oh, it's too much for me. Because I have those Vision Pros because I stay in some shitty hotels still. So the Vision Pro makes me feel like I'm at a beach. I'm not at the Ramada in Arizona. And it was too much. The porn on that was too much for me. I was going, this is like... We're in the room.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And it's Joey Diaz sucking his dick. It's so fucking great. That's hilarious. Yeah, those Apple Vision Pros are insane.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I know, I saw it. And he wasn't half bad. Because he was already a wrestler, like he had done it before. Oh, for real? Yeah, so he had some chops. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I promise you that if you go get the 10-minute tutorial at the Apple store, they'll probably just give you one. But It's in a way the future. I think it's the future. It's too overstimulating. Alicia Keys is just standing right there singing to you. She's like as close to you as like the... I'm in the Apple store going... You know, I'm like, what the, like, it's just too, it was too much.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I think the reason they're not popular is one, they're too expensive. And two, people have, you know, you're not going to sit down on the couch with your wife and enjoy a film while you're both wearing this. It's really for the alone person.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I think I saw it. Wait, it's like, so you look like you're sitting at the game. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty sweet. I'm going Saturday.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah. I like how much content you consume. I take in weird content. But you like it. Yeah. Yeah. You watch all these things. Well, I like Zach Bryan and I like... I watched Penguin just because Santino told me to. Penguin? I would have never watched that. It's so good. And I watched it and I was like, yeah, it's good. Or there was a show with John Cena. What's that show?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
He's like a superhero, but he's kind of like a dark superhero. there's no reason I would have ever watched this show. Yeah, The Peacemaker. And I only watched it because someone I love said to watch Peacemaker. And it was so good and made me completely change my perspective on John Cena. It's very, very good. But someone I like has to go, watch this, you'll like it. And then I watch.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I don't stumble upon things. I'll tell you one of the... I'm reading old books and John Wayne shit.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
What is that guy with the pompadour? Is he like a native or an Aztec? Native American.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Just the sexual harassment towards that daughter and all the comments.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
It's almost like memento. Oh, here it is. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. I feel like that with a lot of things. Like, I can't get into Sopranos. I can't get into, like, The Mob or East Coast stuff. But, like, anything with a cowboy, I'm like, fuck yeah. Like, I'm so into that kind of stuff. And... Yeah, but it takes... Like, I'm going to watch The English now. And I probably wouldn't have...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah. I think we talked about it before. That's how I did all my learning.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah. His book, I Am Ted, is one of my favorite books. Oh, it's so good. Dude, he's a real genius. He's still alive. Unfortunately, he's kind of mentally gone. Oh, is he? Yeah. Fuck. That's why you don't see much about Ted Turner anymore. He's kind of, I don't know what he has. He has some sort of thing. I heard it's bison meat. Nobody was eating bison until Ted Turner. I know. Isn't that wild?
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I like that idea. Well, that's a giant slab of meat. Let's eat that. And then he became a double billionaire. Ted Turner is a guy, a more cowboy kind of man's man than yourself, but... Very much like you. Like if he has an interest, he's all by the baseball team. Oh, hey, pro wrestling. I like that. Like if he just likes it, he gets involved.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
He's like, why won't there be a reliable news source that isn't bought by people? And he creates CNN. And then, well, that we know what that turned into. But in the beginning, CNN was one of the most reliable news sources you could ever find. And that's because of Ted Turner.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
He had a Ferrari or something, some really expensive car. Did they tell you about this in the documentary? And he loved sailing. So he had like this big heavy boat. And he's like, I'm not going to go buy a big truck. This is a billionaire talking. He's like, I'm not going to go buy a big truck. Just weld a hitch to my Ferrari.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So he's going through town with a giant boat pulled by a Ferrari and people like taking pictures going, what the fuck is this guy? It's Ted Turner because he just thinks different. He's like, why would I buy a truck to haul then? This car has so much torque. You just have a Mexican guy.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I love cigar lounges. It's a big one for me. I started taking up golf. Oh, you didn't play golf before? I liked being on a golf course in the golf cart. I bet you did. With alcohol and telling stories. You know, I didn't like the actual golf part of it. Because I like hanging out and telling stories and doing this, you know? Yeah. And golf's a great way to do that. Golf's fun. Yeah, golf's fun.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And then I'm trying to think of the other stuff. I thought about getting into mixed martial arts just because everyone I love likes it. Like, Brendan Schaub is like... I think a good man because he's learned the discipline of a fight community and the mixed martial arts community. I'm screwing up the terminology.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And teamwork. You go into a gym. You think if you walked into one of those places, they'd be mean to you. They're not. They're so inviting. You want to come? We'll show you. You just met a guy, and now you're holding the thing, and you're being down, and they're teaching you things. You're like, this is...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Well, you know what that is? That was me trying to be more productive about how much time we spend in our phones. So the big cliche is like, oh, everyone's in their phone. Have you ever noticed how obsessed we are with our phones? We'll hate ourselves for being on Instagram so much. Or we'll hate ourselves for maybe talking to someone and then being in our phones.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So I'm like, how can I positively deal with this? Because I'm in airports all the time. I'm in hotels alone. So I'm feeling guilty about the screen time the same way everyone else is. So I was like, how about this? You don't get to go to the next video, Jeff, unless you've come up with something funny to say. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
So I have to come up with some sentence that is funny to me, whether it's trolly or whether it's whatever, and leave it. Occasionally, there'll be some beautiful video of a funny little kid or something, and my thing won't be funny. It'll just be positive, like, yes, internet, more of this, like hands emoji. Because then I don't feel so...
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
weird about about uh about looking at my instagram but then those comments will have like 10 000 likes people start to like the comments they're always at the top and they're always the most like 143 replies and you left it five minutes ago and i'm like jesus
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
There's one like Problem Child scene that they posted because it was like this fat kid who goes... He's bullying the little kid in the scene from Problem Child. And he goes, what's wrong? You can't get on the roller coaster. You're going to pee in your little pants, right? And then he does a spin kick and kicks the head off of this octopus cutout.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
And like that's supposed to be like, can you believe they made this movie? Like this is great. And I go... This kid bullies a child or this guy bullies a child and spin kicks a wooden octopus. This guy rules. Like that was all I wrote. And it has like a hundred thousand likes. And it's like, that's a way to get, you know, use your comedy for whatever.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Well, I think that privacy will be the future currency that everyone wants. You say a lot of smart shit. You say a lot of smart shit. It'll be the most prized currency in the future. Dude. Right now, we're whoring out our privacy. We have no privacy. Like, your daughters didn't ask for that. No, not at all. You just wanted to be a funny comedian.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, but the internet's not real. So that's why I feel like I can just leave a comment. It's like it's not real.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, this isn't real. You don't got to let it have power over you. That's not real. Yeah, it's not real. Sometimes it's real. Occasionally. And then you deal with it. Love you, buddy.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I just was talking about... Well, no, actually, I won't use you as an example because you just admitted that you've put them in your act. But, like, LeBron James just wanted to play basketball. Yeah. Now these fucks think that they can comment on his wife's looks.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
They think that they can make fun of the way he dresses or does he say he just wanted to play basketball and people go, well, he signed up for this. No, he didn't. He signed up to play basketball. We just wanted to be comedians. You don't get to comment on like, so I think that in the future that people will really cherish.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I know. It's like they follow five of them. I watched it with the football thing. The tight ends or the quarterbacks? It was the quarterbacks, and I hated it. Oh, for real? Because I love football. Just show me their process. I don't want to see his man cave and then his hot wife being like, well, when we first... I don't care about her.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
You know what's great about you? What? I love your comedy. And when I watch you, as an audience member, I think, I want to be like that guy. He's fun. People want to be around him. I don't need to party with you, but I want to be with a guy like you or I want to be a guy like you. I watch you. I want to be like that guy. That's funny. I don't care how much your fucking watch cost.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I don't need a tour of your giant home. I don't need to see your tour bus. I just go, I like that guy, and he makes me laugh. We don't need to see Kirk Cousins' stupid wife. I don't care.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Whitney Houston? Who are we talking about? Whitney Cummings. Okay.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, it's got a brotherly vibe. Soon you're, I'm trying to think who said it, but a man doesn't become a man until his father dies. And it doesn't have to be a literal death, but it can be like, oh, I don't need you no more. Or like, I'm not relying on this anymore. So it's kind of like that's when you become a man.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I don't. No, no, it's not great. But because of that, I have a great relationship with other people that have become like dads. Uh, but yeah, a lot of guys, they just like other people that stepped up and like, we're very cool moms and fathers and brothers and sisters. Um, the thing, yeah, the thing about the Bronnie thing, I'm trying to find a way to articulate this.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I believe, and this is just maybe where we're different. I think that moment of having to put on pajamas and look at my dad and go, I can't believe we're doing this shit. It is such a special thing that LeBron should be going, I had to watch my son look at me like, are we putting these fucking pajamas on? It's not for Bert to watch. It's not for Jeff Dye to watch. It's special.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
That's what makes life good is these things that are just yours. Why do people not want their wife or husband to go whore around? Because it's just for them. It's something that's special and intimate and just for them. And so... I completely lose interest in that moment because they got a cameraman in their living room on Christmas.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Burt, I try to be a good man. You know, once God notices you, so does the devil. And you got to decide. I hate that Boom guy so much. He invokes all the worst things in me.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
If I ever get married, I don't need to do my wedding vows in front of an audience of peers. That's for us. Yeah, I think privacy is very important. And I think intimacy is intimate when it's just between you and the person that you're having a thing with.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
Yeah, but I don't hate social media. I use it for all the positives. I think it's great. We agree on a lot of things. I think that the reason you love fame is because, not fame, it's love. You're getting love. I love getting love.
Bertcast
# 658 - Jeff Dye Hates The Rizzler
I go, who doesn't want that? Of course. And you're not jaded by it. You still appreciate it. You've been famous for a long time now. And you're not rolling your eyes at the UPS guy going, I need privacy like these pussy actors in Los Angeles. You actually love it. And I like that about you. But I think that it's not the fame. It's that you want people to love you. That's good.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Las Vegas. I'll be at Resorts World Theater March 21st and 22nd. My special drops March 18th.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Hey, do you remember getting tested positive for one of the hepatitises?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Imagine being a pro athlete And getting Skip Bayless lighting you up. And then your town hates you. Imagine if you went to shows, right? And that permeated. And they were like, fucking Jay Oakson sucks. But this is our fucking thing we go to every weekend. So we're going to just go and then boo him while he does his stand-up. That's what it's like to be a pro athlete. That's sports.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
All right, which hepatitis was that? Hepatitis B. You're live, by the way. Oh, yeah, we're on the podcast. I'm sorry.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I don't, I, he's great. Honestly, Jay, I gotta be honest with you. Hang on. So, so we're all clear. I'm not going to say names. I showed Jay something today that a friend of ours said about me. And it wasn't that bad. No. But you get feelings about it. Sure. And there's a friend, a friend of 20 years, probably. Yeah. 20 years.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And he said it on a podcast, trying to get a joke, just trying to get a lighthearted joke. And it hurt my feelings. And I showed it to Jan. I was like, should I have feelings about this? I sent it to Tommy. And you are the only people that ever saw it. And you were like, no, it's just nothing. It's nothing. But the truth is, is it does get in your feelings. I wish it didn't.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Oh, yeah. Oh, it's basically it's just attacks the liver. It's fine. All right.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I'm telling you that I remember where I was in bed. I was in bed and I was scrolling. And I got to be real honest. I saw the black square and I thought, oh, that's kind of cool. And then for a second, I was like, oh, that's kind of cool that like, In solidarity that Instagram would all be black. That's neat. You know, like, obviously, we all have black people in our lives that matter to us.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And so we're like, I was like, oh, that's really cool. And then I was like, oh, wait, I don't want to maybe I won't post because I don't want to be someone that like virtue signals. The black people in my life know that they matter. Right. And I don't need to post it. And then I was like, I'm not going to post. And then I was like, casually went to my DMs, and it was lit up.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
All right. Love you. Bye. My liver enzymes are good. So you're fine. I think it's got to be. Wait, is that what hepatitis B is? Yes.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Like, where's your black post? You've made money off the souls of black people your entire lives. How dare you? Really? The guy in the Starbucks who ordered you got your coffee from. And I was like, oh, fuck.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And then I posted it, and I got destroyed. How dare you made so many black jokes? And now you're going to post it? And I was like, holy shit, you can't win if you can and you can't. And that was the first iteration of me ignoring comments. Not ignoring them, I was reading them, but going like, so wait, so you're not going to make everyone happy?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And then I think Tom got into calling me the most racist comic in the world. And I read the comments after I posted that special. And it was like, dude, this is the most racist comic in the world. And then what was happening was people that were discovering my special were defending me, but I had no racial jokes in the special. And the comments were so confusing for me that I was like, holy fuck.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And then the first time I ever got like negative... I remember... Why do you put yourself through it?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I've always had a problem with wallets. The wallet I had last time was a bifold. I had a trifold at one point. Do you remember those? You'd sit on those and you'd have back problems. Dude, I had the one that had a checkbook in it. The big ones in college? Dude, thank God. I've been always looking for something slim. This unique, slim, modern wallet. It's designed to hold 12 cards plus cash.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It is the Ridge Wallet, and it is so awesome. Made with premium materials like aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber. It even looks slick. Look at this gold. It just reeks of loot, and it's got over 50 colors and styles to choose from. Show it off when you go to buy dinner. Drop it on the thing. Pull it out of your pocket. It just looks slick, and here's the great part. This little part right here,
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
That's how you slide your card up. So your card comes up just like that, goes right back. And for a limited time, our listeners get 10% off at Ridge by using code BERTCAST at checkout. Just head to Ridge.com and use code BERTCAST and you're all set. That's it. All you got to do is go to Ridge.com. And after you purchase, they're going to ask where you heard about them.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Oh, I think it's just like a stomach thing. Yeah. Someone Google this. I don't know. You know what? You know what? Leave it in. Oh, no. We also shared needle syringes injected in a common. Did you have it? Yes. A lot of people have hepatitis B. Yeah, but it's not like it doesn't kill you. Couldn't it? No. I mean, here's the deal, Jay. Do you worry about what's going to kill you? No. Right?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I recently said I'm going to go back into my comments because it bums me out that because of a couple sharks, I wouldn't get in the ocean anymore. And hang on, hear me out. So then think about all the people that like want to just say like, dude, I fucking love you. I'm so excited for this special. And then you just reply, hey, thank you so much. And then it means the world to them.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Politics, I don't understand. I can't, I can't. I don't know. I don't read DMs and I don't read comments. And I wanted to get back into comments because I just felt like... But you're not trusting yourself. Look at your life. I don't trust myself at all.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Hang on. Stop. You've said that to me. A number of times, and I don't hear it. You've said, buddy, you're going to be okay. But you don't hear it if it's you. I still think, like, I still think, what do my friends think about me? Like, you know, look at the whole thing about, like, Ari lighting me up about not... making everything about myself as if Ari doesn't make everything about himself.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You know what? In retrospect, I wanted to say to Ari, and you know I love Ari and I've been friends with him forever. I was like, so you shitting on a pizza box or whatever to promote your special, were you making that about yourself? Where is the introspection?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Or him getting Tony fined at Madison Square Garden, $100,000, where he pulled his dick out. Did he really? Yeah. You didn't make that about yourself? But my thing is, like, I don't see the world like that. I don't see the accuse you of, like, you make everything about yourself. I just go, well, yeah, that's who I am. I'm a little bit that guy. I was going to say, it's that.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Yeah. I never sat back in the cut and was like, Ari makes everything about himself. What the fuck?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I mean, yes, I guess so. But I don't stop doing those things. How much do you change your lifestyle worried about what's going to kill you? I think about what's going to kill me every morning when I wake up.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I'm in couples therapy. I'm in every therapy you can be in. And I'm off the road since July. And I'm trying to figure this out because I go... I like me a lot. Like I like me. I get, if you're just talking about Bert and me, we get a, we have a great time, but these notes I get sometimes, but that's like, I'm saying like, but how are you going to take personality notes at 50?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Do you know what I mean? I actually thought about, like... I was like... Because Ari said that to me and Tom, and it really bothered me. And I talked to Tom about it, and then Tom and I talked about it on a podcast, and then I was in therapy, and I brought it up in therapy. And I was like... So, like, I mean, like... And then all these... diagnoses of like, you have main character syndrome.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And I was like, don't we all? Does anyone live in their life and think I'm a third Mike in life? Like, who the fuck doesn't think they should be heard?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Buddy, you're going to live. You know, no, you know, guys like me and you last forever. Ari's going to die young. Something terrible. Oh, and it's going to be, it's going to be horrible. And you know, you know, you know what's so sad about Ari dying is he doesn't get to pick. To tell people if he's going to die because he already has to not tell people he's going to die. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
So there's a thing that our community finds gross and that's ambition. And one of the things I respected in Kevin Hart was his ambition. When he would do those old school, out of his Sprinter vans, like, I'm running a 5K. I'm doing this. I'm the hardest working comic. I loved all of it. I loved all of it. Because I felt like I need to get up. I need to do stuff.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Like if he goes, guys, I have cancer. Everyone's going to be like, wrong move, Ari. You should have not told anyone. Gone out like a gangster.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Oh, shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the best. I'm friends with Hannah. I met her. I met her. She still has one of my favorite jokes is, When I was growing up in Tasmania, I knew more facts about unicorns than I did lesbians. And I heard that and I went, oh, that's interesting. That's interesting about Tasmania. And then she goes, unicorns are real. And I was like, oh, that's a good joke.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
That's a good joke. It's like, fuck it. I don't give a fuck. That's a good joke.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
By the way, but how black are we? Not a lot of white people remember Ghost Dog.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I think I... You don't think I would have a set-up tour with a merch drop on the day I died?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Oh, I'd have to. I'd have to. My whole thing would be about making money for the girls. So I'd be like, if I got ocular syphilis, right? I'd be like, guys, I got diagnosed with ocular syphilis. I got six months to live. I'm doing the see no evil tour. How do you get that? From farts in the eye? I think so. No, hold on. You know, syphilis is like a real legit fucking problem.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Little fat, fresh-faced Jay. You look so good, man. Can I tell you what drives me nuts? Someone said to me the other day, they go, if you lose weight, you won't be funny anymore. And I was like, I don't know, but does that mean that, like, I'm not as funny as David Spade? Like, does that mean, like, are you saying, like, that I'm only funny because I'm fat?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I was talking to Theo and he goes, you look great, man. Are you worried you're not going to be funny anymore? And I was like, Theo, I'm so morbidly obese. I'm fucking 245 pounds. Well, how fat do you need me to be? Do you need me to be 600 pounds to be fat and funny?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It was... Dude, I was 285 pounds. That was the highest I ever got. And no one... You know what I got? I got texts from Steve Byrne. I got texts from Sal. I got texts from everyone like, we're worried about you. And I was like, that's not funny, right?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
When was the last time you were a size 34? Oh, I had to be a child. I can wear 36 now. That was weird. I can wear 36. I talked to someone and he goes, I lost 10 pounds and I dropped three pant sizes. And I went, that doesn't make sense to me. I didn't realize I only operate in the two size pants range. He's in 33, 34, 31, you know, like he's in that range.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And I was like, oh, I'm a little bit bigger than you are. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
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Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we'd like to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this podcast. Do you think... I mean, you look at Billy Gardell. He's lost a crazy amount of weight. You've seen that? Yeah. And you're like... He looks horrible. I love Billy a lot.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And I would never want to talk shit about him, but like... You should gain weight in his face again. Just a little bit. Like a little bit. He looks really aggressive. Yeah, John Goodman looked like they fucking let the air out of him.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Billy looks... I'll tell you what. Billy's got great hair. He's got the glasses. He's got money. And I'll tell you what. He gets to see his son graduate college. So it's like, all right, so what do you want? He's got all the money. 18? He's got to be 18, I'm guessing. I think he's Isla's age. He would have made it to that. No, he would not have. No. Four more years? No, hang on, hang on.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Bobby's, I mean, I don't mean this disrespectfully, but like Bobby's not a big guy.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
From what they say... Is that him with fucking... No. Oh, no, that's Fat Joe. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. I thought that was Bobby for a second.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
He met R. Kelly? Because you know, hang on. You know why I said that? You know, Bobby Kelly's initial MySpace page got taken down because it was Robert Kelly. And R. Kelly was like, yo, that's my page.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It can occur in every stage. Your nose falls off. Your lips fall off. Your eyes fall out. Your fingers fall out. Syphilis is really bad.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And I was like, wait, he met him? I thought he got it back to him.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I did a podcast with him one time. And he was like, I'm worried about you. And I was like, buddy. we're in the same boat. I don't know what we're talking. I like, I'm worried about you. Yeah. Well, you're worried about me. I'm worried about you. Who's got the, or here, like, what are we talking about?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I think, I think you got to fix the thing inside yourself first. It's like for everyone that says, you know, uh, Oh, uh, Lewis has a drinking problem or whatever. You're like, well, Well, maybe he did at one point, but he's figured out the thing where he can hang out and achieve and get through the thing. The thing is the thing inside you.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Yeah, yeah. I need two. To wrap. I'm definitely shooting myself with a gun. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It's like, I remember talking to a dude who was like, who's sober. And I was like, Hey man, how you doing? He's like, good. I haven't jacked off in five days. And I was like, okay, that's now that's a new thing. Like, this is about you. This isn't about like, this is. And so I always looked at like drinking problems and that is like, fix the thing inside you first. And then you,
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I think I have one of those. It is crazy though. It's like, you got to put all your eggs in one basket where you're like, yo, I am fucking front squats, arms forward. Like it is wild.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
the uh we just i just i went through it today we're trying to do front squats where you know you hold the bar like this sure and i and i couldn't do it when we did crossfit and they were like uh just do it just put your hands like this we'll put the bar there and i could i just can't get it i don't know why it's my back or it's my arm i don't know why but i can't do the thing where you hold the bar like this and my trainer today i have a personal trainer today he said uh
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
we'll get you to do it. And he did it. And he was like, it just doesn't work. Why not? And I was like, I don't fucking know. But I sat in a CrossFit class where they were like, stop pushing against us. And I was like, what are you, a dentist? I'm not pushing against anyone. I can't get my arms to do that. And they were like, you're struggling and you're not allowing us to do it.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I was like, you guys don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
it's crossfit is you just have a weird thing that you just can't do it buddy i have i think they my trainer says it's my back but like i just can't get my arm to be like that low and underneath yeah where i hold a bar and by the way they're mad at you by the way i'm fucking 52 who needs to do front squats why is everybody how have you reached such success and everybody's mad at you for being you it doesn't make any sense
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I just had... I don't want to hear your hot takes on the election. I just had Kevin Nealon on my podcast. I love Kevin Nealon. I respect Kevin Nealon the most, utmost. But he said to me, and it kind of fucked me up a little bit. He was like, So when are you going to grow out of this? I was like, well, you know, the frat boy, beer drinking. You know, you're a good storyteller.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You should focus on that. And I was sitting there going like, fuck, man. Like, what am I doing with my life? And then I was like... my special's coming out on Netflix. Like, what am I, how am I, why do I, why is it, Jay, that I hear people criticize me and it means something to me?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
What are you supposed to do in my position where you hear your friends criticize you in a way? This is a, by the way, my favorite podcast I've ever done.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
But Joe said to me, he goes, you make everything about yourself. And I heard that and I didn't understand it. So I was like, yeah, but I'm a storyteller. Like in my head, I was like justified it. And I was like, well, I mean, I don't have, I'm not like a sniper comic where I just sit back and go like, you know, you know, kind of thing that chimes in.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
There's no, there's no, this is what I wouldn't want. Oh, this is heavy. I wouldn't want, um, You know, what happened to Norm, Norm only told one person, their manager. And then he would get overweight and get bloated and people would mock him online. And then he'd get skinny and people would mock him online. And then he'd get maybe sometimes confused because of the medication.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I mean, I can do that sometimes, but that's not my strength. I'm not like Theo who can kind of drive his own narrative and make it fun for everyone. You know, I'm not like Tom who really genuinely, and I love Tom, but he doesn't care. If he doesn't talk, he doesn't talk. He doesn't bother him.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
But I get so sensitive to the fact that, like, people go, why the fuck? Like, Bert's making this all about himself. Like, Joe said that, Ari said that, Tom said that. And those are my three of my closer friends. And then I was like, and then Ari said to me, he goes, you know, I'm just busting your balls. And I was like, well, yeah, but you're fucking with my head a little bit.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Like, you're making me question how to talk to you. Like, I would never say to Joe, stop with the advice shit, dude. Like, I don't need it, you know? Like, I would never say that to him because I go, I welcome your advice, but you don't need it. I don't.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It's interesting because I really respect the fact that things don't bother you, that you don't get phased, that you're all about comedy. But they do. No, but the thing I love about you is that we're like 50-year-old men. I am 52. And we're still doing this thing we started as kids. But it morphs into this thing where there's so many notes. There's so many things about it. Our friends have notes.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And then it changes our personality. And you're like, how do I get back to the real thing? Changes should be organic. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
They'd think he was drunk because of the medication he was taking. I wouldn't want to deal with that or maybe that would be a solace.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They were like, you want to do an arena tour?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Do not pull up Hitler's teacup. I don't need to see any of this fucking shit. By the way, this is how the internet works for me, where it's like, the internet's bad news, because I go, should I have been Bert Kreisler or Hitler? And then there's like a whole fucking page of it.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
um millions in central i've said this to you i've said this to other people i said this to uh thomas lennon and uh weirdo yankovic what would you rather have for real and now this is an investment for your children's future sure one of hitler's paintings or one of monet's paintings what do you think is going to be more valuable in 100 years Oh, Hitler. It's got to be right.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Only a couple artists killed six million Jews.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I'm going to pass out. I'm going to pass out.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Pull up a... Far more. So that's Hitler. It's in your price range. That's Hitler's painting. It's in your price range, dog. That is $450,000 for a Hitler painting? That's... Don't think about yourself in this one. Think of the kids, dude. Wait, for you, real, hang on. Hold on one second. You can buy Hitler's paintings for $450,000? Think you have to go to Nuremberg to do an auction?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Whose paintings are better, right? How great are these fucking paintings? Those are good.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I'm never not on tour. Is that, can I tell you, like, I remember the first time I heard, can you name your tour? And I got really bothered by it. And I go, it's called work.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
fucking guy never said anything i could not say something yeah yeah there's if i could if you could tell me if you could tell me that people would be like i wish i had known yeah yeah yeah i want to see all the people go it's like he was so brave man you gotta think you gotta think it's like it's like for me i mean let's let's break it down here yeah yeah yeah if you break it down for real right
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And it was like, I never understood the concept. I understand it now a little bit where it's like, I remember the first tour I did, which was Body Shots. I remember Hot Summer Nights. Those were hot tours. Then it kind of like blended into a tour of like, just I'm on the road.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You know, this is one of Leanne's favorite specials she's ever seen. Oh, really? Oh, that means a lot. Oh, buddy. There's the poster. So this is your American tour. Do you know what? Coming on a city near you. What a fan of Peter North and his work I am today. Peter North, the porn star?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
No, I read it and I was like, wait, Peter North?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Go back to today's tour dates. So wait, can I tell you, I just want to give subtle props to people that deserve props. Justin is one of my favorite human beings alive. Ed Brook. Ed Brook, yes. Justin Ed Brook, your agent over at CAA, signed you how long ago? It's been a long time now.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Blood and poop? Where blood and poop lives? Wait, wait, have you got, when was the last time you went to the doctor?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Tell the story. I want to... I have a bad rap over at CAA, and I want to give props to CAA because of Justin, and he is a fucking... And I love him to death, and I've always loved him.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It hurts. You're going to piss blood. But every now and then, you're like, hey, man, one more time.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You got moments of your friends trashing you on other podcasts. You've seen Burt? The fuck? He's getting weight. You have cancer. You have total cancer. You haven't told them. And you got, like, your boys, your favorite people in the world, trashing you for nine years. Norm lived for nine years with cancer. Wow. For nine years, you got to put up with that.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
This is what you want in an agent. And I hope Justin hears this because this is like the coolest shit ever.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
pull me aside you're doing your Comedy Central special yeah he's like yo we just shot Jay's Comedy Central special I was like yeah and he was like he knew he knows how I feel about you and he was like you want to see the intro I was like fuck yeah oh nice we were at the back store at the Comedy Store and he showed it to me and he was like and it was like dude he was watching this kid ride a bike that's what you want out of an agent it's like guys like him
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
He is legit one of the most solid guys in this business, without a doubt, without a doubt.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You said you go, you're good. And I remember hearing that and not thinking I was good and realizing I didn't know I was good. I didn't know I was good. But, like... What does good look like for you?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
At a year and a half, I'd be like, yo, can one of you guys just lay off, man? I'm going through some shit. My kids are going through it also. My kids are listening to this. All their friends are listening to this. And you're trashing me for gaining weight.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I watched it happen to Shane. I'd never seen it. I'd never seen... I haven't seen Shane in, like, forever. I mean, I saw him before you did.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It's wonderful, but it's like, I see it's taxing on him.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
It's really quick for a guy. Like, it's nice to let it happen. When you're 50 years old and it's happening... And you're like, I've been waiting for it. It's okay. But I mean, it's a lot to put on a dude who's like, what's Shane, 32? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
someone said on the bus we were watching it we were celebrating it and they were like uh would you do it and i was like yeah and as soon as i said yeah i went i immediately regretted it and i was like well hold on i wouldn't want to do it like i have no interest in doing it yeah but i'd have to do it because you have to do it so if you got offered snl would you do it now right now to host it yeah or to be a uh host
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
That's a great two-part question. If you got offered right now $2,500 a week, which I think they pay their cast members, I think it's $1,500 a week. And you get a cast regular for like 13 weeks, 26 weeks, whatever it is. And you're a cast member. Would you take it? No. No. Okay. Okay. Pivot. You get offered to host one week this year and you can pick the musical guest. Would you take it? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Oh, thank you, man. I'm certain that everyone that hates my guts is going to watch every part of this episode. And I hope you guys enjoy it.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I keep thinking about Norm with it because I don't know if I could do what Norm did. Keep quiet that long?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You know what? You're right. I'll carry Tom for the meantime. There you go, dude.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Oh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Jay's special is streaming right now on YouTube. It's called They Them. Them They.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Them's right out right now. Yep. This is, I'm telling you right now. If you can find four Jay Oakerson fans, they're in this house at all times. It's my daughters, Leanne and Rachel. My wife loves you.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Peter's not a fan. I'm telling you right now.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
my wife loves you in a really special way she got upset with me when i said something to you the other night uh when we were doing uh when we're doing the something's burning i was talking about uh not doing fully loaded and you were like and i was like well it's just it's tough no one promotes and you're like sweet we're not doing it because of me and i said yeah kind of and then leanne went hang on that's not true don't ever tell jay that we're doing it we do it because of jay
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
We do it because of Jay. The reason we do it is because we get Jay, we get Shane, we get Mark Norman, we get Nikki Glaser, we get all our people around. Don't ever say that to them. And I was like, I'm so sorry. And so I apologize for saying that to you casually. I was drunk. I didn't think anything of it.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
No, he's pretty regular. I think it's his, he's pretty regular. Yeah. He is. He's a comic. He's a normal guy. Yeah, I'm not going to say anymore. Leanne, I'm telling you when I say this, my family's favorite comic is Big Jay Oakerson. Oh. Well, you know that. The girls love you. The girls feel like you're like an uncle. They love you to death. Isla dresses like you.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Oh, my God. You know, I said one time to Dr. Drew, He was like, what if you found out you had six months to live? I'd say, oh, I'd tell my wife I need to have sex with all the porn stars that I've ever wanted to have sex with. And Dr. Drew was like, then why don't you just have sex with them? I was like, because I'm not dying.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I have a joke in my special about Isla being dressed like Big J.O. I have that in my special. Isla is, you and Isla have connected like fucking family. So please check out the Them special dropping February 20th and the They special dropping April 20th. I love you like a brother, man. I love this episode. And I hope they edit nothing out. And if you hate me, I love you too. Yeah. Suck dick.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
This episode was brought to you by the machine.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And he goes, no, but if that's a thing you need before you die, then that's something you need. And I was like, wait, hold on. I was like, wait, you're right. And then it kind of fucked me up.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Drew, can you like chirp in real quick? Yeah. Dr. Drew says I should fuck Jaden, whatever, St. Lynn. Who do you think is going to be the first comic in our group that's going to die?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
No one's fast. I mean, I'm probably the fastest living still, I think. Not drugs, but I think boozing.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Okay. I have always tested positive for one of the hepatitis. Really? Anyone else? Nope. All right. Edit that out. It's pretty serious. No, no, no. There's always like a hepatitis like W or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on. My sister tested positive for it too. We've all tested positive. Have you ever tested positive for one of the hepatitis, Pete?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Bobby Kelly got himself off that list. Yeah, of course he did. Man, you know, it's like, I don't think Bobby's in that group of guys who lost so much weight that people... Can I tell you something that drives me fucking nuts? I want to finish my statement. And then I'll start the next one. And then I'll let you talk because I'm so bad at interrupting people. You're fine.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Because I got a partner who doesn't fucking talk. And then he goes, you're always interrupting me. Then talk up, you motherfucker. Like, I'm so tired. Can I tell you, Jay? Thank you so much. I am so tired.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You know what I'm talking about in therapy? You know what I'm talking about in therapy? I got to the point where I was like, hang on, Pierce, how much have I brought this up? Because I go, I don't know, man. I think and I talk. Now I'm in conversations with people and I'm like, should I be like... not thinking or should I just be listening and going, how did that affect you?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And by the way, Ari Shaffir and Tom Segura. Ari Shaffir and Tom Segura. Ari Shaffir and Tom Segura. Those fucking, you know, Ari fucked me up. Ari fucked me up where he goes, you make everything about yourself. And I was like, we're comics. We make everything about ourselves. You fucking asshole. Why would you stand on stage for an hour and speak? and not listen to other people.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
You made it all about yourself. God damn it, Jay. Thank you.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Jay, I am so glad you said that. I guess, how was Bush? What's Bush like? Do you know how much it's bothered me that I allowed it to affect me. And it changed me a little bit in interviews where I was like, someone would say something and I'd go, that's so cool, I did something similar. And then I was like, so wait, what's our point as comics?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Are we supposed to like... Am I supposed to be a broadcaster? Can I give you third-party advice?
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
I've got a little bit of black comic in me. Of course. Listen, here's the truth. If you're a minority comic, you can post pictures on a private jet all day long, and people fucking clap you up in the comments.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
And I hate to say this. I know that I shouldn't, but the ones that aren't about you aren't bad.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
This guy's getting... Look at fucking Skip Bayless.
Bertcast
# 666 - Big Jay Oakerson is a Hardcore Christian
Never played sports in his entire life. Mm-hmm. and he lights people up, and we go hot take. Yeah, we love it. And by the way, here's the other thing. Comedy's gotten so big, you've got to allow people the space to give them their hot take. And their hot take may be accurate, and maybe you should listen to it. Maybe I should be. Can I tell you what bums me out?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I can't wait for Baker Mayfield to verbally commit.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
What's up, everybody? I've got some shows coming up. February 8th in New Orleans at the UNO Lakefront Arena for the big game. That's Saturday night, not Sunday night. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil and huge surprise guests. Then in Vegas in March, 21st and 22nd at Resorts World Theater. And finally, oh, Canada. I'm coming to you.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Once it's already happened, it's happened. Yeah. My buddy was in rehab for like three months. I just had my daughter, Georgia. We went and played tennis. My buddy was an amazing athlete. Gave up on all of it. Gave up on all of it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
too competitive couldn't and just would fucking I'm talking the most beautiful baseball swing you've ever seen one of the most effortless beautiful tennis players you've ever seen surfing gorgeous I mean and a stud and a stud with a great fucking name his name's Kamen he's a fucking stud Drugs and alcohol got into his life, right? And he goes to rehab out in Malibu. Three months sober.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I just have Georgia. And we go play tennis. And I'm watching him melt down. And he's like, I'm going to get a fucking beer. And I was like, come on, buddy. Let's not do that. And he's like, no, I'm going to get a beer. And I was like, no. Why don't we go back to my house? We'll fucking hang out. It'll pass. We go back to my house. And I'm watching him. And I look in his eyes. And I'm like...
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
The wolf's out. The dog's gone. It's done. He's already made the decision. And I said to him, I said to him, I had George and I go, hey, came in. Why don't you just hold my daughter for a little bit? And he looks and he goes, hey, I've already decided. I'm going to get drunk right now. Are you coming or you're not coming? I was like, I can't go. And he was like, all right, cool.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And he just walked out my door and I was like, oh, he decided... That's a fucking, but that shame then puts him into a spiral where all of a sudden he's in the fucking woods for 13 weeks.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Did it always feel like that? Because you partied in college. We kind of soft-sold the whole story, but I think it's better to let it unravel. You partied in college, but always performed at the highest fucking level.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
The coolest thing about your college story is your first season as a starter. You guys perform like five and seven or something. And then you and your boys decide we're not going home. Nope. This is the fucking sexiest. this fucking turns me on more than a naked woman is you and your boys decide we're going to stay in fucking college this summer. We're taking classes. We're going to bust our ass.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Winnipeg, Halifax, Calgary, and Vancouver. It's me, Whitney Cummings, Miss Pat, and Derek Stroop. Go to purrpurrpurr.com for all of them.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
We're going to work out. We're going to bomb. We're going to play golf every fucking day and we're going to work out and we're going to come back and we're going to the fucking Rose Bowl next year. And you did it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
So Adam was... Adam had left. Okay. And they were looking for a replacement for Adam. Yeah. Myself... I think Joel McHale. Do you know Joel? Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Oh, wow. I think I knew that. Yeah. Well, they're testing for replacements for Adam. A bunch of us are going in and testing. And I come in and there's a phone call. And they go, there's a phone call from someone who says they went to school with you. And I said, yeah, sure. And they're like, hey, Bert, why don't you tell them about the time you robbed us in Russia? And I was like, oh, yeah.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
That's just the difference. So you're going into San Quentin just to do a speaking engagement?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Drew's like, what? And I said, I got involved with the Russian mafia in Russia. And I robbed a train. And he went, wait, wait, hold on. He goes, tell me the story. So I tell him the story. It was the first time I ever told it. First time I ever told it. And I told it to Drew that night.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And then the next night, he called that next day and said, I'd like you to come back on the show and tell it again. And I went back and I told it again. And he said, that's your movie. That's your movie, bro. And I was like, fucking cut to, you know, what, 20 years later? Yeah. I make a movie of it. But it's those calls that you get where people go, oh, shit, I know this guy.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
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Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
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Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
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Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It was a woman doctor and you had to get a prescription and you had to go back and renew it. And it made me not want to do it. When I found out about HIMS, I was like, it can just be dropped off straight to my door. Are you kidding me? No awkward doctors. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash BirdCast. That's HIMS.com slash BurtCast for your personalized hair loss treatment options.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
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Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Let me tell you something. It is t-shirt season here in LA. This is our winner's over and t-shirts are the look. And I'm not a guy who can wear stuff written on his t-shirts. I got a lot of t-shirts. I'm a clean cut t-shirt guy. I think it's the look, man. Jeans, t-shirt, flip flop. You look slick. And here's the problem though. Not everyone can wear t-shirts. That's why I love True Classic.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
True Classics t-shirts are amazing. They fit perfect for guys like me and probably guys like you. If you're listening to this podcast, I'm certain you probably look a little bit like me. They're snug in the arms and in the chest, so you look jacked. But they got enough room in the midsection so that you look somewhat skinny. It kind of like drapes a little bit, so you feel slick.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
You feel like Matthew McConaughey. Their shirts are awesome. And I'm telling you, tight in the arms is the look. If you see a guy, no matter what his belly situation is, if you got nice arms, everyone's like, that's a man. They got free shippings on all orders and you can build the perfect outfit in literally five minutes or less. Everything goes great together.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
They got t-shirts, they got hoodies, they got, their jeans are awesome. Their jeans are awesome. And they come in three, six and nine packs. The more you bundle, the more you save. And I'm telling you right now, let that be your look this spring. T-shirt, jeans, flip-flops. T-shirt, jeans, flip-flops. Level up your date night or just your everyday style with clothes that actually fit right.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Just go to my exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash burtcast to save. That's trueclassic.com slash burtcast. Shop now and elevate your wardrobe today. Do you have resentment? Do you have anger? Do you have any closeted anger for the people who wronged you from the media when you were 21 years old? I think I did for a long time. I have a comment.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It got trashed by a lot of people in recovery, but then it went viral from people that still party about like... I'm paraphrasing my own self, which is even more dangerous than what I said the first time. But I said, if you're thinking about quitting drinking, don't. It's not the booze. It's you. There's a truth to that. Okay. Thank you.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
You know, the only other person that ever said that to me was Machete. No, Machete. Danny Trejo. He was like, yeah, that's the hundred percent truth.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Yeah. And he was, but, but, but the truth is, and when I hear your story, I go, no, I'm the problem. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It's not the alcohol. I have a buddy of mine, good friend of mine, good, good friend of mine that is sober. I think he's had some instances of falling off. I don't know that for sure, but sober. And he saw me one night and he was like, how are you doing? Because I wasn't drinking at the time. He said, I'm proud of you, man. That's good. And he goes, you know, I just quit jerking off.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I got three days clean. And I went, I go, what? And he goes, you know, he's like, I've been sober for a while, but then I was jerking off like 12 times a day. And I was like, How? I was like, wait, hold on. And that was the first time I was like, oh, I don't think you kicked the problem. If you're jerking off 12 times a day and he was like, I know, I know. That's why I'm quit for three days. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
yeah it's on uh if you can find it there's 13 episodes the last one you did was with your coach from washington state state and it's i mean it's fucking i the thing i loved about it oh real quick for anyone who doesn't know if they're just tuning in right now and they're like wait ryan leaf i do i know that name can you give like i always say my you know my life story i'll tell you real quick let everyone listening go this i'm ryan leaf this is what you need to know yeah um
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I don't drink and drive. I don't. I'm actually probably a sweeter person. I shut down a little bit sometimes where I get a little loud, but like it gets rid of my anxiety. I think it causes my anxiety. It really does cause my anxiety. The problems I have with drinking are all internal of like waking up.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Yeah. What was the, when, when, when did the, when did the downhill start with painkillers?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts and of course the mind-blowing production empire the band is known for and i am telling you i've seen that firsthand we saw them on tour the whole our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows and if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down check out burt cast number 623 they play acoustic i'm telling you zach
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I remember the first time I got drunk, I remember I felt sparkly. And I was like... And I remember we were getting... We got caught drinking. And Mrs. Rieger brought us in. I was with the guy I was telling you about that... That was in rehab. I was with them. And she dumped the beers on the table. And I was... I had a buzz. And I said to myself...
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I know I should be nervous and I know I should be that I'm in trouble, but I don't seem to care. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it. And I was like, this, whatever this is, is pretty cool.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Sturgis. Sturgis, yeah. Okay, so you go through Yellowstone and then went down. Yeah, we went through Cronation and we skydived into Montana, which is insane.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Yes. I saw that. I saw that. Like, did you do your own skydiving or did you have a tandem?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
When I did tandem skydiving, he was like, how much do you weigh? I was like, I don't know, 250. He goes, 250? I was like, I don't know, man.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Dude, that's so crazy. Who did you go skydiving? Do you remember the guy's name? Was it Doug by any chance? Were you an interlock? Yeah, a lot. And I know a guy who does that. It's terrifying because they take the helicopter up and then the helicopter hovers at like 10,000 feet. 13,000 feet. It hovers. Yes.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
So wait, can I tell you though, this is the weird part is I only know you as I like you because of that. Cause I, I vaguely remember that. I remember, you know, the, the, uh, The branding of like, you know, the biggest draft bust in history. I thought it was DeMarcus. What was the name? DeMarcus Russell.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
What's crazy is I remember... Steve DeBerg getting that. Steve Young getting that. Vinny Testaverde getting that. The throw in Samoan. Who was I just talking to? Jack. Thompson. Jack Thompson getting that?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Or however you say it. Dude, that's my takeaway from you. When I get bummed out, and I get bummed out for crazy reasons. Right now I'm bummed out because I haven't been on stage in a while. I haven't been on stage in a while. I was taking time off for like a mental health of like I was working so hard. So you were purposely doing it. I purposely did it. I purposely did it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I decided I'm going to take one year off. And I said to myself, Louis C.K. did that. And I... said that Ali did it, Tommy's done it. A lot of people have done it. Louie wasn't forced to? No, Louie's just a guy. Well, he did do one of those. He did one of those also. But he's doing it right now. He's taking a year off. And so I said, I feel like my act is stagnant.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I feel like I've rewritten my same... I feel like I caught myself rewriting similar jokes from the past. And I was like, I can't be in that situation. And this last hour, I was like, I need one thing. And it took me so long to find one thing that I was like, all right, I need to take some time off and reassess.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And in doing that, I took off the uniform and I didn't know who I was and had no idea who I was. And what happened is the brain that would keep active with comedy and writing comedy and knowing that I had a set that night and knowing that I was going to be talking that night, that brain turned into a really unhealthy mental health OCD brain. And I started assessing things that weren't real.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I would obsess about them. I'd get an IV and I'd think they left the port in my arm. And I'd be like, it's in there. I know it's in there. And then I'd spin out of control. I think I'm having a heart attack. And it was just like, it was like, really? And so when I... I heard you say that one time. Just get up. You're still breathing. This will pass.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I heard you say that I think on... I said it on a bus.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I've used that as a mantra of like, just get up. And the idea that you're... that your, your eyes open and you get to see this beautiful view of the world. And one day they're not, one day they're not going to open. Yeah. One day you're not going to get to see this. So really drink it in. And as long as you're breathing, it's okay. You're not dead today.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
What's interesting is you did want to leave that town and that, and hearing your story here and you talk about, uh, There's people that go, I'm never going to leave Cleveland. I'm never leaving Pittsburgh. And then there's people like my wife go, I'll never leave Bowdoin, her family. And my wife's like, I'm getting the fuck out of Bowdoin. And that's a feeling.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And you also know the bottoms of addiction. Yeah. The thing that I will never, the one jaw-dropping moment is when you talked about, I don't think it was your grandfather, although I know you went to your grandfather's house to get pills. I want to say it was like a neighbor. And you went into a neighbor's house and they came home.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I should read this like a porn ad. Hey, Bluetooth, I hope you like this, okay? Hey, have better sex with Bluetooth. Bluetooth is the original brand offering chewing tablets. These erection-enhancing tablets help men achieve stronger, harder sex. and longer-lasting erections for sexual activities. Blue Chew's putting their money where their mouth is and offering you a month free.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
The process is simple. Sign up at bluechew.com, consult with one of their managers, We'll be right back. arises best part it's all done online that means no visits to the doctor's office no awkward conversations and no waiting in line at the pharmacy if you're asking this guy
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I remember that feeling of like going to the beach. And we go to the beach on the weekends. And I'd be like, this is beautiful, but I want to go where people are. I want to be around girls. But that really comes through. And when you talk about that, it's like you did want to get the fuck out.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
they're worth it come 4 p.m as the sun sets get in the hot tub take a blue chew and wait for her to come home and give her the surprise of her life make life easier by getting harder and discovering your options at bluechew.com we got a special deal for our listeners try your first month of blue chew free Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I want to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this podcast.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It's my story. I would love to watch it. I would love to watch it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I get terrified by that. Why? Because you don't think they might let you out? Yeah. I got accidentally locked into a jail cell in Alcatraz. They said, hey, we'll put you in. We'll shut it. And they shut it. And they couldn't get you out. And they couldn't open it. And I. Freaked out. I had a really bad panic attack. I had a really bad panic attack. And I was like, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And they're like, give us a second. We got to get the, cause it's a national park. We got to get him in here. I was like, take these things off the hinges here for you. I wonder what it was like when it, when they really lock it for you, bro. It's. And there's no like, Hey man, can you just open it for a little bit?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And we accomplished that. Is there anything you did when you went there that you wished you could have done when you were there? Meaning, when you were a prisoner and you're like, I always wonder what it would be like to be in that room. And then you're like, hey, can I go in that room real quick?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Not that one. This one. That's that one. Look at it. Oh my God. Right? You'll think Pete Holmes. Sorry, Pete. Sorry, Pete. Not to say there's anything wrong with that, Pete. He's a good looking guy. He's married. He's got a family. Very talented. I'm sorry. No one wanted to marry me then. Jesus.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
God, is there anything I'm obsessed with that going back to your old prison? So I went back to my old high school. I can't do that.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It's crazy because you were the high school hero, basketball, football. Yeah. And you still did not connect with those kids. I didn't. I don't have one friend from high school.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It's so funny. I'm texting with all my high school friends right now. I wonder how much of that informs, you know, especially as a dad. I don't know. You can take out whatever you need to take out of this, Christine. But like, so my daughter's abroad right now. And I am in the place where I have the... You said one time money doesn't fix anything. If anything, it accentuates your problems. Right.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It exacerbates any character defects. And so when I traveled abroad, I don't know if anyone knows that story, but when I traveled abroad to college, I got to Russia by myself. My parents didn't help me pack my bag. I packed my own bag. I picked my own clothes. I then... I then backpacked through Europe for a few months and I did it all on my own.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I got help from my, my dad would send me money when I'd run out of money, but not like, not like thousand dollars, like a hundred bucks here and there. And, uh, But I got myself to Russia with the class. I got myself to Baden-Baden. I backpacked all through Europe by myself. I got myself on a plane and I flew home. My daughter, I kind of did it for her because I'm so good at traveling.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I've traveled so much. I was like, let me... And trust me on this. And I, you know, got her tickets on miles so we can upgrade her and all this stuff. And then I thought to myself, and I stayed up all night as she was traveling through different airports. I set alarms for when she would be landing. And I woke up and I call her and I could hear her scared. I could hear her scared.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
She was like quiet. She told me, I'm shitting my pants right now, dad. Like I'm shitting myself. This is no one speaking English. And I was like, yeah, I know. This is what... And I thought to myself, am I doing a disservice to my child by... Holding her hand through the process. I don't want my little girl to be scared, but she is 20. She is a fucking 20. She's a baby.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
But all those formative things add up to the person you are. And when you are a kid, and I kept going, I kept thinking, who created that chip on Ryan's shoulder? And you fixed that chip within whatever recovery you did. You fixed that chip. And that chip... was the thing that got – that chip was so deep in your shoulder.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And when you hear that about high school, I go, oh, yeah, I can't imagine being the hero on the field, on the court, dominating other dudes, dominating other dudes my age, and then them not liking me or connecting with me.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And that was my favorite part of the podcast. You're like, dude, I wanted the money. The fuck. I don't want to go to Indianapolis. No, I wanted the money, the beach and the babes.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I sat in church at 10 years old and, uh, And they, you know, you do, I forget how Catholic church works now, but you do community. I just did. Did I tell you?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Is this an honor? Or did they just... Did they run out of money? Are they like... Yeah, I'm like, are they slumming it now? Did they used to pay people and now they're getting me? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I did the same thing. They asked me to do CBS New Year's. And I was like, it's an honor. Or are they out of money? Like, wait, am I like... I just... I've taken the...
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I heard, I got comedian of the year, uh, one year at Montreal, uh, I shouldn't say this out loud. So you were Canadian, uh, comedian of the year. No, no. And the Montreal was the big, it used to be the biggest festival of, it was just for laughs is the biggest festival. So it was a North American thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's North American. All right.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I shouldn't say this cause it's, it's horrible, but it's, it's true. And I, sometimes I think your secrets make you sick. They do. Uh, And I was an honor to get that award. And I got there and someone let it slip. They're like, I'm so glad you could make it up here. And I was like, oh, yeah, of course. It's an honor. And they're like, well, you know, it's another guy.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And he just couldn't make it work in his schedule. And I was like, wait.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
sweet who's the first comedian of the year and they were like huh and i was like was that your second option was it your third option or was i how many people didn't want to fly to montreal yeah he said yes i said yes yes and i want it i want i i i'd like that award i took it man i was i cried when i got it give a i am i'm speaking at this event in dc in february
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
tortillas and Cheetos, Doritos, Doritos, Doritos, crushed up with water, hot water. And I've been watching these aggressively. Yes. I'm so into them. Yes. Dude, they, they make this guy made the coolest dude.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Yeah. Yeah. It's so wild. What was your favorite meal that you made in prison? Do you ever have a meal where you're like, this is as good as on the outside?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Like, you know, I said to a woman, I said to a woman one time, I'm on my fifth beer eating dinner on my fifth beer. And they're big beers, big beers. And, uh, She said, can I get you something else to drink? And I said, I'll take another beer. And she goes, how about a soda? I said, I don't drink soda. She said, why not? And I said, the calories. She went, excuse me? See the beers you're drinking?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I was like, yeah. I was like, honestly, I would love to have a root beer. But a root beer, I'd have a root beer over a beer any day. Any day. If you go, you get... When I took like a big stretch in not drinking... And my go-to was a big Trenta Starbucks cup filled with crushed ice with a diet root beer. And I would drink that like it was fucking God's cum.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I would be like, oh, I love root beer so much. And that lady looked at me and she goes, you've had five. Is that just a speculation of what God's cum tastes like? I'm sure it tastes good. Yeah. We're all made from it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Maybe. I should say God's vagina. There, thank you. You'd be more inclusive. Feminist. But I love root beer. And man, I love sodas. And I have my thing. I miss beer.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Shut the fuck up. Nine iron. Never hit a hole-in-one. I never thought it was going to happen. Never hit a hole-in-one. And I had a golf course one time say, we'll shut the course down for you, whatever you want. And I said, all I want is a par three over water by the clubhouse, and I want to hit all day and try to get a hole-in-one.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I hit until my hands were blistered, and I never got a hole-in-one. Do you feel like you have any privacy? No.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
You've cultivated that where you don't. Yeah. And it sucks for my family. Yeah. Like my wife and I are starting couples therapy tomorrow. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I had said to her... I'd said to her when we were not fighting and we were not fighting at all, I said, yo, we should do couples therapy because we both believe in therapy. But I was like, we should do couples therapy because we're in a really great place for our marriage right now.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And I was like, I'm not saying it'll go away, but it's like, it's like, if you're in great shape, why not also start jogging? Like why not also lift weights? If you're in great shape, you don't just go, well, God gave it to me. I don't have to worry about it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
As you were walking up, as you were walking up today, I, we were talking about it. Because I believe in online therapy. I personally believe in online therapy. I'm a big proponent for online therapy. But the lady that we booked wants to meet us in person at first. I was like, I just want to go online. And she was like, as you're pulling up. And we got into a fight about couples therapy.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I thought it was funny. No one found it funny. I was like, I think I might go in as a character and make you look crazy. And she got really mad. She was like, no, God, no. And I couldn't understand why she got so mad. So I said, well, what if I just put like a subtle accent that you knew was full of shit, but she never knew. And I was like. Yes. And Leanne's like, hey, is this a bit you're doing?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I was like, yeah, I want to try it on stage. And I'm going on stage tonight. And I said, and as you're walking up, I go, hey, can I tell people about our therapy? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, cool.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It's, I think it's healthy. I would love to be like, I would love to be like, uh, my two, two of my close friends, they've never mentioned their kids. They never like, they don't fucking talk to you about their marriage. They don't talk about anything personal. Uh, it's just not how I make sense.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
When did you become competitive? Like, when did you start noticing? Because I had... My competitiveness, I had to reel back when I got into comedy because I was like, all right, there's no room for competition in this, in art. Like, it's not super healthy. But, dude, I respect the fuck out of competitiveness.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Yeah, I feel like... To be honest with you, I don't know. I found it attractive when celebrities would tell you a secret. Yeah. I found it attractive. And I was like, ooh. I love that. It's almost like they trusted me with them. So I just, that's the way I've operated. I've always, I've always shared every secret. And I think if, if I could put the, is this a sponsor liquid death? Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Yeah. They're fucking awesome. And by the way, it's the delivery system. I drink my thing. I was talking to someone about my drinking the other day. And I call it. At a certain time, I call it. And I go, I'm done drinking. I start drinking water. And I drink. Immediately, I kill two liquid deaths. The second. And I don't know what it does, but it gives me a different buzz. And I feel like.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
It's called hydration. Yeah, it's hydration. Yes. And I kill two liquid deaths. And then I try to drink four before I go to bed. So I try to drink my body weight in water a day. I do. I easily drink. I get IVs aggressively like twice a week. But I always drink at least four before I go to bed. And I probably have four throughout the day.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Well, let me know if you come. We have Nikki, me, Tony Hinchcliffe, Adam Ray is doing Dr. Phil. And we're at the UNO Lakefront Arena. What does Hinchcliffe do? Does he do that Kill Tony thing? He does do Kill Tony, but he's just doing stand-up for this. He does Kill Tony. That's his tour. But he's also a stand-up comedian. Right. And not just a roaster. He's a legit... Great comedian. Right.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And so he's... Him, Nikki. So is Nikki. Nikki's at a great... I mean, roasting is just... She's in a good spot. Roasting and hosting... Roasting is a facet of what they're... They're really talented at roasting. And by the way, so is Adam Ray. I'm okay. I'm not that great at roasting. It's because my... I don't know.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
The day I met Craig, we were talking about our first times doing cocaine. And he said he had the funniest story about Him and his buddy were doing coke in the bathroom of this guy's house. And his buddy goes, watch this. And he just wadded up toilet paper and threw it on the ceiling, wet toilet paper. And it stuck. And Craig's like, fuck. And he was like, yeah, I know I've been doing it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
So then Craig did it. And then they kept doing it, both of them. And then the guy that owned the house came in. He's like, hey, can I get a bump of coke? And they're like, yeah, sure. And now they're giggling. They're like, we've been doing it, this guy. And the guy hits coke. A lot of times when you do coke, you lean your head back and go.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And the guy looks up and goes, what the fuck's all this toilet paper? We were just standing in front of the Boston Comedy Club. He told me that story. I told him about the first time I did Coke. And we were just like... He was like, what kind of music do you like? We had similar tastes in music. He's done tours where he's opened up for like...
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
metallica i get a call i got a call from him the other day and he goes hey would you like to be i want to i know this is going to sound unreal but i swear to god he texted me he was like would you like to be at rod stewart's loft to watch the f1 race in vegas i've got i've got space for you and i was like huh he does that all the time like he has the wildest connections wildest connections
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
But let me know if you're coming to the Super Bowl because our show is going to be... It's in New Orleans, right?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
That's it. And, by the way, the flight's not that bad. Well, no, no, I take that, but the flight's pretty bad, and it's pretty long. Yeah. But you can get villas, like, in the jungle, in the rainforest.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
With a huge pool. I mean, we took the girls to Bali. Yeah. I brought weed to Bali. I didn't know that you, I didn't, I didn't, I did it on accident. It was in my cigar case. Yeah. And I just, everybody has that. And then I said to Leanne, I was like, I was like, yo, I can't believe I brought a joint. How great is this? And then Leanne's like, yo, it's punishable by death here. I was like, really?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
And she was so upset. She's like, you need to destroy it. And I was like, I was going to destroy it right now. No, you're not smoking it. You're going to bury it in the ground.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Oh, yeah. Yeah. No wonder you guys dig with Gabby and Laird. Right.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
So I dated a girl who was really obsessed with volleyball when I was in high school. She ended up marrying the wide receiver for the Giants, Jason Sehorne. Angie Harmon. No, the wife before that. By the way, Angie Harmon follows me on Instagram. Yeah, I know. Random as fuck. I was like, two people follow me on Instagram that they commented on a video, and I was like... I always find that so rare.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
That's fucking crazy. I know. But dude, this was a great podcast. And thank you so much. And thank you for everything you had to go through that you can now share it with people like myself who draw inspiration from it in the littlest ways. Look, I have never been to prison. I've dealt with booze and pills at times. But like, I've got my shit together.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
But the things you say resonate so intensely with me. And to hear your story, I just... i i sometimes i go man i'm being a bitch like if if right i'm not sleeping in my parents house yeah i i don't have to fucking i i'm not i gotta fucking pull it together yeah like it's not that bad yeah it's not that bad yeah we're pretty lucky yeah yeah but thank you thank you fuck you what a great podcast
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
I play with dudes like that. That's so fucking... It's so interesting. I hope we got a bunch of people that love sports listening to this because growing up playing sports is so telling of who you are going to be as a man. I want to say his name because he reminds me a lot of you, but a guy I play with, one of my best friends.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person. and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
was the guy that if it wasn't, if he could fucking lose it in the thing, but his dad was like a real man. And if his dad saw him losing it, his dad would walk out to the mound in front of all the parents and just dress him down to the point where it would make him cry.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
This show is sponsored by DraftKings. This ain't the little itty-bitty teeny tiny bowl. This is the Super Bowl. 59 to be exact. Get in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 59.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Scoring touchdowns is the key to hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy, and you have a shot right now to score big by betting on them at DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one place to bet on touchdowns. New DraftKings customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. This is the go-to. Look, I don't want to tell you how to run your Super Bowl party. I'll tell you this right now, okay?
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
You're going to need wings. You're going to need hot dogs. You're going to need hamburgers. And you're going to need gambling, okay? It makes the Super Bowl so much more fun. You will never enjoy an event. Eventize your Sunday and make it big. And make it big in your heart. Allow this opportunity for your heart to race.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
May 4th, we are bringing the whole crew back, including Jelly Roll. Me, Tom, Jelly Roll. Listen, if you don't think you can do it, Tommy, tell them they can do it. You can do it.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
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Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
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Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
We can do it. We did it. Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
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Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
God, and your mom, your mom, I heard you one time say your mom, I don't know where I heard this, but your mom defined herself by how people felt about you. Yeah. Like how? Well, she was similar parents.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
Shame, shame is such a fucking gross thing. It's, it's fuck, it fucks with you so bad. And not to interrupt, and I'm probably... I'm the worst at interviewing people because I jump in and talk about myself. Well, that's what these are, is dialogue. It's just a conversation.
Bertcast
# 662 - Ryan Leaf Went From the NFL to Prison
But shame... You know, it's the reason I've never really ever thought about seriously quitting drinking because of the shame that if I start again, it turns into a fucking nightmare. Hey, that is like... So, have you ever... Do you know Dax Shepard?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
my new special lucky is streaming right now on netflix check it out white women it is enough you're not even married to one no i mean i'm exhausted you have no idea how exhausting they get oh Can I tell you, I just came to the realization, I'm not a fucking journalist.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I was like, that's true. I said that downstairs when I was talking to my daughter, Georgia. I go, Georgia, all his brothers are gay. And they're like, hang on, not all his brothers. He's got just one of his brothers. I go, I think he's only got one brother. That's true. But you're not wrong. All of my brothers are gay. My one brother's gay.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Bullshit. When did you... I'm always curious what like... I'm losing my voice. My voice is going away forever. I think God's taking it away from me.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I feel like I listen to myself talk and I sound completely different from when I was a kid. Yeah. I had like a high voice and now I'm like grumbly. And at times I can't even, I lose my voice so quickly. Have you had your voice checked by a doctor? I did. I had one. I fucked up one time. I threw up really aggressively. I know. I haven't thrown up. Knock on wood.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I don't want you to die. When you think about dying and you're like, what if the last thing you do is throw up right before you die? Well, you'd look good in the casket.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
That'd be horrible. No, no, no. I wouldn't mind a surge of adrenaline right before I died. I wouldn't mind rescuing, jumping into the ocean to rescue someone to die. What I don't want to do dying is be in a bed in hospice and have seven days of goodbye conversations. You're so not Italian.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. So when you were a kid, did they make pasta? Yeah, of course.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
As we Google this, you're doing Radio City Music Hall in April, right? Yeah, I do it.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
She lives in Chicago? Yeah. By the bean. I saw the bean.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Your cookbook, your pasta sucks. Yes, your pasta sucks. April 1st. I only know that because I saw... I follow you on Instagram and I just started seeing it and I was like, and then I saw the picture. I love the picture on the cover. But you know, I'm a nude whore.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
He's eating that ass. Yeah, that one. But that's me. Yeah, I'm a nude guy. I've always been that way. Yeah, there's two types of people. There's people that are comfortable with it. Yeah. And then there's people that are really uncomfortable with it.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
No, I wouldn't go to a nude beach. I think the naked stuff for me is funny. For me, it's like, when I look at you, I'm like, God, how'd you do that? But for me, it's funny. I like Speedos. I like... We have so much in common.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
When I first met you, I was like, I want to get him on my podcast. And you came over and I, I mean, I'll tell you a secret, but I thought you didn't know who I was, I guess. But you were, I think you were nervous and you brought another guy with you.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
They're like, can he bring a friend? And I was like, oh, does he think I'm a dick?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I read Naked, and it was one of the best books to this day that I've ever read. I love the Sedaris's. I've only read a handful of books.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I don't know where it went. Stavi's the best. Yeah, Stavi and I did a pregnancy photo together. Type in Burton Stavros. Oh, I've done so many naked photos. And my big thing was when I found out what a meat print was. What's a meat print? There's Mark Norman's ass. There's Stavi's ass. I feel like Mark has a nice butt.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Meat print is... So, like, I think if I had breasts, if I was a female, I'd do a lot of videos with no bra.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
It draws me in. And so there was a guy who was doing, I'm getting dress videos, but you could always see his dick.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Yes. So I did the first meat print I did. That's me and Stobby. The first meat print I did was right before I started drinking again. I quit drinking for a while. We were in the gym. I got done. I looked good. And I was like, yo, this is the best I'm going to look, you know, because I'm going to start drinking today or that day. And I said, take a picture. And as I did it, I flexed.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Leanne goes, baby, I can see your dick. And I went, what? I go, well, take the picture. And then she took the picture and I went, oh, this is fucking hysterical. I go, yeah, hold on. And then I fluffed it a little bit. I go, take it now. And she goes, baby, all I'm looking at is your dick. And I went, post it. I know that's the point.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And so I posted it and it was crazy because it was like half the comments were like, congratulations on the weight loss. And then other half were like, what are you guys looking at? And I just thought that was such a fun fucking way to promote. Like it was such a, like a way to show your body and be proud of yourself. But also the joke was, oh, my dick's half hard.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And so I started doing that for a bunch. And then I think it upset a bunch. It upset the right people.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
It's like, listen, life's too short. I keep thinking about that deathbed a lot. Oh, my God. I think about it a lot. Why? I thought about it today. I thought about it today going out to get water.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I think about it every day because I think because namely the way I live.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Okay. But I did probably for 23 days before that. All right. Like, I drink a lot. But I also... I said this to Chris DeStefano. I didn't say that judgmentally, but I'm just curious. There's no judgment. There's no judgment. My drinking is deceptive in the fact that it's like... It's not... I think people think I get... I wake up, I get drunk. Right. Like, I wake up, I sauna, I work out.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I get work done all day. And today, I went and did Access Hollywood. And they had a huge... Capari Spritz made for me. And they were trying Capari Spritz for the first time. So I had a couple sips and then the second I felt it, I was like, alright, I'm going to have a drink later today. But no, I try to stay healthy. I get IVs twice a week and I work out hard. I get all my work done.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I'm getting shit done. But I do big stretches of not drinking. But for the most part... Give your body a break.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Oh, see, if I started vaping, I'd stay vaping. If I start smoking weed, I'll be smoking weed every day. I don't like either. It makes me... I love weed.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I'm routine. What was the cool thing when I saw you, when I saw you on the road? Cause I was always a fan of yours. Uh, but I was a fan of yours cause I liked the way, like I'll give you an example. I love Brian Simpson. I'm not saying I love Brian Simpson. I'll just say that. I love Brian Simpson's standup. I love Brian Simpson. Like his brain, the way his brain thinks.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Spanish and Italian are, yeah. Shut up. Okay. Say something to me. Let me rephrase that. I don't speak Spanish.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
It's just, he's just so, I mean, he's a little bit better than all of us. Of course. You know, and it's not, I'm not talking about promo game or fucking Instagram shit or Twitter shit or on a podcast. But I'm saying when you sit and talk to Brian Simpson, you're talking to a guy who's been thinking all day and chooses his words wisely. Yeah. And he's a fun guy to be around. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And I remember I walked, I don't know if you remember this, but I walked with you during the first Skanks Fest, or second Skanks Fest, I think. Yeah, it was at the Creek in the Cave. And we were all walking to the next venue and I was walking with you. And I was hearing you talk to people and I was like, I was like, who the fuck is this guy? I was like, he's just real confident.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I like his energy. His energy just, his energy has a, a, a yellow brick road feel to it where it's like, he's going, you know, like, but more like the whiz, you know, like, like, but when you watch them go down and I was like, and I was like, that's my energy. It's not all my friend's energy. And I was like, I was like, man, who? And I remember saying to someone like, who the fuck is this?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
These guys, he's like, really? I fucking like this guy. That's nice. Mateo Lane. And I was like, oh, cool. And they're like, dude, you don't know the half of it. You know, he's gay, right? I went, no, shut the fuck up. I'm going to tank top of the mullet. Of course, it was real obvious.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Like in the middle of this conversation, I'll hear like, boodings. No, I did do Duolingo. Or no, it's the one where there's a sponsor. I did our sponsor. I think it was Duolingo. Babbel? Duolingo? I did Babbel. I did Babbel. Do those apps help? Yes, they do. And they're fun to do on a plane. Like when you're... I have flight anxiety. So when I get on a plane, I'll just start doing them. Okay.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Like, I'm not, I'm like, I'm the worst interviewer in the world because the things I'm interested, like you say, today I sat down in the sauna with my wife and I wrote down all the questions I wanted to ask about, of you. Like, there's certain times where I want to text you, hey, have you heard of this guy or whatever?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I'm just trying to... So... If you can sing, is that why you're good at impressions as well?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
But the... But you're learning Spanish. No, no, no. No, I... I was under the impression I spoke Spanish. Okay. Until I went to Spain and my daughter speaks Spanish. And my daughter's like, you don't know what you sound like. I would like to hear this. She's like, she's like, dad, when you talk, you go me ice.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
That's two. Okay. So now I got two octaves. There you go. Okay.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Wait, I was dying to see how many octaves I could hit. I got to do vocal warmups. So that's a whistle tone?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
So I don't know how high my voice can go. So when I... By the way, I so badly want to go short tonight and have you take you downstairs and have you make me pasta to promote your book. I can easily make you pasta. Okay. Hey, will someone downstairs get... flour and egg ready and just roll out pasta?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
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Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
That's all I want to do is just be on stage. Can I ask you a question? And I want to ask it to the way people ask it to me, but it's all I could think about when I watch your special. Sure. Why did you wear shorts? Jason Wu told me to. Who's Jason Wu?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I saw, because I follow you, and I know you, and I know you're jacked, and I know you're in tank tops a lot, and I know you're naked half the time. And when I started, I went, I literally, Pete and I were in the car, and I said, sweatshirt, shorts, socks, and shoes. And I went, this is really... Because I perform shirtless and I put on a costume now. And I was like, this is really interesting.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
socks and shoes this is premeditated this is thought out he had someone had to think of this jason and i go this is what it i'm going to tell you from my perspective what it allowed you to do you were really just a regular guy on stage yeah and you got and what's crazy and i said this as i as i came to realize what i liked about what you were wearing i said
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Man, when I was a kid, and you were a gay guy, and you talked about being gay on stage, and that's not your whole thing, but it is there. You don't hide it. Sure, it's the lens in which I see the world, of course. A lot of times, back in the day, people would be like, ugh, is this all we're going to talk about?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
But the way you were dressed, it gave you a passport to just be my friend, to be like, to love you, to go like... And then also, I know you and I love you, but I was like... I was like, that's so crazy. If he had worn like a tight Versace open shirt with leather pants and his hair done and really dressed it up, I would have been a little disconnected. I go, the shorts brought it in.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I was talking to Katie over 2 p.m. and she was like, she was like, shorts, huh? I couldn't stop talking about it. And I go, yeah, shorts. I love when dudes wear shorts on stage because it breaks the rule. I love when you break a rule in standup.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Dude, flip-flops. You can't wear flip-flops on stage. No, no, no. You got to wear jeans. Jeans, pants. Closed-toed shoes. Yeah. I can go shirtless, I think, probably at the cellar. I have. I know I have.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
But there are rules. There are certain rules to comedy. Fluffy breaks them. Sam Tallon breaks them. And when I saw you wear shorts, I was like... bro, I'm love halfway through. I'm like, I'm loving these shorts. Oh, thanks. And I was like, and I liked the sweatshirt. Cause I go, and that's a Rogan thing a little bit.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And I, that I've never subscribed to, but I go, no one can tell that he's like, fucking has a perfect body.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I go, I go, that's really like, I'm just a guy. Like I kept looking and it really drew me into your face. The whole special drew me into your face.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I get so uncomfortable with that. Like I've been having to do press for the special. And so I'm always in... I'm always in like an expensive shirt and I don't wear shirts often. Yeah. I don't like wearing shirts. This is what I'd wear. If I could wear everything, it'd be jeans and a t-shirt. Yeah. Same. Same. But the reason I do it shirtless is because it makes me comfortable. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
He deserves a fucking Emmy for that. He's got... Only because I know you, I stopped. The second you got off stage, I go, what's up with this outfit? Yeah. It's an interesting choice. Wait, hold on. Sweatshirt, shorts, socks, and shoes. Yeah. And I was like, all kind of pastels, all like kind of bright. And I was like, okay, kept going.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And as I'm watching it, I'm thinking about it and I'm whittling it down. I was just like, I was like, dude, this is making him... It really added...
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
This special was so accessible for a guy like myself, who has never had any real gay experiences, but it's just comedy forward through the lens. That's it.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Oh, man, she is... I remember watching her. You weren't born yet. But I remember watching her host the Tonight Show. I was watching it. I watched it. And I was like, who is this woman? And she was brutal.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I don't know if the Internet will allow you. I don't know. I feel that like... I think the internet's pretty fucking misogynistic.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
The things that come by a strong woman's way... I mean, think of like probably the world's favorite female comic right now is Nikki, right? Oh, yeah. I just texted her today. Yeah. Nikki's on fire. Yeah. But think about all the shit she also probably gets. Of course.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
By the way, I talked Russian to a guy the other day. And he was like blown away. How much Russian can you speak? I know you're like... More than... I would say more than my Spanish.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I saw an octopus attacking on a surfboard today. And I was like, why didn't know that could happen? Surfers just, we get it. What's your algorithm? You've taught you this best use. My algorithm is men's butts.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Stop it. You have no idea how exhausting they get. Can you imagine trying to fuck a white woman?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I thought you were at a girl's strip club. Under no circumstance.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I was supposed to show you my underwear, but I don't know where I put them. Excuse me? Oh, there are? In the bathroom? Where do they get moved to? Just your underwear or like a line of underwear? No, no, no. You should do that, by the way. Hang on. Tell someone to bring up my underwear. So I don't wear underwear.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
ever i hate i have to wear underwear doesn't your dick like hit up in your fly and it like scrapes so the times i do wear underwear is if i'm like going to a football game and i have to walk a lot you know so like if i if i'm if i'm going to chafing if chafing yeah i will go to like if i'm going to disney or not that i go to disney but like i'll wear a disney world for real no ever been okay
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I almost went into... ¿Mi nieto oye? Mi... Me tambien. Mi nietoje es russian. Okay.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And so I struggle because I get claustrophobic with boxers and boxer briefs. Yeah. I prefer briefs. I prefer briefs. However, the briefs that they make for me just cram my dick and balls together. Okay. So I've struggled for a long time. You have to walk around in a jockstrap? Well, okay. This is a great parlay into this.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
So randomly, my stylist knew this, but there's times where in certain pants, I have to wear something.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
So she bought me silk jock straps and I put one on and I went, these are nice. These are really nice, except the fact that there is this chafing point right behind your balls. On the taint. Yeah, on the taint. Is someone bringing up my underwear? And so I found these underwear and I love them. And I will also say they turn out to be somewhat stimulating, like where I enjoy wearing them.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And it reminds me... Like an underwear fetish? I'm going to show them to you. I meant to wear them to show them to you, but I forgot because I'm wearing jeans and I wasn't walking around. Right now, they're looking for tongs to pick up this underwear because everyone's a fucking priss in my goddamn fucking office. I could see that. They're clean underwear.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And right now, if Peter comes up, he will have rubber gloves on and a mask. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's... Yeah. It's like Chernobyl. Because no one just goes like, hey, here's underwear. Right. Right.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Hold on, hold on. So wait, they get even gayer, okay? So these are they. They're silk, okay? Yeah. They're called Zombalios, Zombalans. God bless you. But what's crazy... Is that they've got this hole right here. Yeah. To put your dick and balls out of. Yeah. And then a pouch here to hold them.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And, and then my daughter, my daughter, Georgia, I was running through the questions. She goes, hey, daddy's more than a gay man. Oh yeah. So like, don't just sit here and ask him every gay question you have.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
¿Tú quieres mi cocina? Do you like my kitchen? Yes, I like it a lot. And my house? Yes, your house is very pretty. Do you like my room? My room? Yes, of course not.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I don't know what they're called. But I love these. But do they have to be that color? No, no. I've got see-through ones. I've got black ones. I've got them all. Leanne got all of them. No, Leanne and I. I bought one pair. Leanne's like, you look good in them. So then I bought every color.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Zombalon. And I enjoy them because they keep my stuff away from my body.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Go to Amazon and look in Zombalons. There they are. That's their exact hair. Yeah, you gotta see the guy in them.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Like, this turbo cooker will make... That's a different pair.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I think you probably can't see the head of someone's dick.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
They're really great. I mean, you look great. You look great in them. And they pull your stuff out so that you look like you have a big dick and balls. Right.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Like my butt's out. This has been a blast of an interview.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
No. Oh, I was so excited. What? No, no. Say it. I always think I'd be good at giving a blowjob. You probably would. I think I'd be great. Well, what would your process be? Oh... Let's talk. You know, now that I think about it, maybe I wouldn't because I don't know what I like.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Like, I know that sometimes with my wife, like, it's... Like, sometimes she thinks a little's teasing me and I'm like, yo, I need to feel it.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I think, I think I would be really good, but I'd be a lot of tongue movement. Okay. I'd be a lot of tongue movement. And I would be not a lot of hand. But the hand is important if it's done the right way. Well, what the hand should do, and this is my opinion, the hand should be the starting pitcher, right? Got it. But then bring in the closer.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I don't know if I'd like your blowjob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's... Leanne's a lot... My daughter might be downstairs. We should probably wrap this up.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Buddy, I love you to death. I love you too. Thank you so much for having me on. Hey, congrats on the new special. Thank you. Congrats on the cookbook. Thanks. Congrats on Radio City. Thank you. Congrats on everything. It's all happening. And all I say to you is just take a deep breath and enjoy all of it. I'll try.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Uh, you do it really good in Spanish. Like, like I can usually, like I grew up taking Spanish and playing baseball in Spanish. You'd hear people talking shit in Spanish. Right. Um, And then I took Spanish at Florida State. And I also took like four years of Spanish. I was in college for fucking seven years.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
The... The, uh, I liked those classes. I took, cause I took four years of Spanish in high school and then I took Spanish one in college, blew through it. Yeah. But then I think, I think if I had like you, when you work out, do you ever do leg day and you're like, and you're like, I'm just going to phone it in.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
But have you ever noticed that when you don't phone it in and you really go to full depth and push as hard as you can, the next day you're like, well, I feel the difference.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Nope. Let me tell you a story about a guy. We'll just call him Tom Segura.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Yeah. Yeah. And he speaks fluent Spanish. It's like fucking Peruvian. Peruvian. Yeah. Talk to your mom Spanish like that. He's like it's and he also lived a year in Spain in college. Yeah. Spanish is perfect. It's flawless. He went to do, he was going to do a special in Spanish.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
So he did a whole tour through South America and he went up and did stand up and he's hysterical, speaks fluent Spanish and they didn't really get it. Really? Yeah, because it's different. It's culturally different. So I don't want to learn a new personality.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
i don't want to learn spanish and then have to be a brand new guy i've done 15 minutes or 20 minutes in italian i bet italian i bet italian stand-up is really fun well it's it's so francesco di carlo is like the italian comic right now he's brought a kind of new york way of doing stand-up to italy because before that was just is this the guy who said his name twice right yeah yeah yeah so he's italian italian yeah from italy he's not the guy in the stories in the special is he
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Oh, well, I honestly, after watching this, I hadn't watched a special before I did my pre-interview. And then I watched a special and I was like, oh, he travels a lot.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
You want to hear my gay accent? Yes. What's up? I'm Bert. Okay. You never know. Sure. You know I'm really big in the bear community. You didn't have to tell me. I can... I can see that. There's a good friend of mine, George. We text back and forth. He's really big in the gay community and in the bear community. And he texts. They have their own flag.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I was kind of taken back by that. Yeah. I'll buy one right now. I'll buy one right now. I will buy, get me a bear flag right now. I will paint my bus like that. That's not a bad flag.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Oh, they go wolf. I'm what they call a power, a muscle bear. Yeah. Like I'm thick. I'm thick. I'm not an otter.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And you speak so many different languages, and your accents are so good. Oh, thanks. Well, it depends on who you're talking to.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you. Type in Bert Kreischer penis. Bert Kreischer penis. Have you Googled this before? I think I have. Bert Kreischer. I mean, there must be photos of you naked. There we go. Blue pants. Blue pants. Blue pants to the right. There we go. That's a muscle bear right there. Come on. It's a muscle. It's muscly bear.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Certain communities, when they give you love, it makes you feel really good. Right. So like when gay men, like when this guy George, who's big in the gay community, he stopped his car in the street. And he was like, I don't know you, but I know you. See, there's your gay accent. Yes. Yes, yes. By the way, George right now is like, I'm not that gay.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
But he's like, you're really big in our community. You're gorgeous. What is your name? I said, my name is Bert Kreischer. I'm a comedian. He goes, yes, yes. You perform shirtless. And I went, yes. He goes, I get past your picture around all the day. Oh, that's nice. This just happened on a gay OnlyFans Twitter. It was, congratulations with the weight loss. You look great. Oh, your comedy's good.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Oh, thanks. I'm a big fan of Hot Daddy. Thank you, Jason Tazarian. Woof of the week. I got woof of the week.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
But it's crazy. Black dudes and gay guys, when I get love from them, it makes me feel amazing. What do you think that is? I think I probably committed hate crimes against when I was a kid. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. So this is your like redemption. No, no. I just think it's a, it's a part of a specific community.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And when other communities that reach out to you and give you love, I think it makes you feel like fucking amazing.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Yeah. Like I've never, I never, I met my first gay guy in New York. Like, I mean, I'm sure I met shocking for, I'm actually, my two uncles were gay to me and Tommy. We didn't know. They weren't uncles.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Yeah. Roommates. They were probably born in like 1911. What? Yeah. What?
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Damn. They were friends with my Aunt Kathleen and my Aunt Frances. Are you Irish? Yeah. Yeah. I was Catholic. And so...
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
and they were just they were always around our house timmy and tommy and but when i went to new york a sigma kai from florida state was at a bar and i ran into him and i was like hey what's up we started talking he was like nothing and then i was like hey you want to we go back to my place to do coke and he was like great so we went back because everything's closed i've never done coke i'd be so afraid to do it for real
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
I'm like, hurt! You'd be shocked how many people I did that with. And so... And then he was like, you know, is this going to happen or something? And I was like, wait, what? Work. And he was like, oh, I thought you were gay. I said, no. Wait, I go, you're gay? He was like, yeah. And then we had this great conversation about his being in the closet in college. What year is this? 90, probably 97.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
Okay. And then my roommate, Ty, came home and thought completely I was hooking up with this dude. Yeah. I didn't realize, like I'm a little oblivious. Yeah. But yeah, I was still hung out with the guy and it was like, I would get stories from him.
Bertcast
# 670 - Meat Prints with Matteo Lane
And it was all gay stories. Gay stories coming out in like the 90s and moving to New York stories are wild stories. It's just like a shorter version of Rent. What? With no aneurysm. You never came out, right?
Bertcast
# 657 - Jeremy Piven’s Role of a Lifetime
And I go, I broke my ribs. He goes, you didn't break your ribs. If you broke your ribs, you would not. You know what I mean? I mean, the sounds and tears and my ribs are smashed. And he goes, we'll take you to the oldest hospital in Bratislava. I was like, I want the newest hospital, bitch.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Always Bet on Bussin’ with the Boys | S4 E18
This is what I liked about the Olympics.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Always Bet on Bussin’ with the Boys | S4 E18
This episode comes out the day before.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Always Bet on Bussin’ with the Boys | S4 E18
And he had to fight to keep on at 312.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Always Bet on Bussin’ with the Boys | S4 E18
We can give it straight to Will.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Always Bet on Bussin’ with the Boys | S4 E18
Just wipe them off your plate and put them on the floor. That's good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Trevor Wallace + Michael Blaustein + The Secret | S5 E10
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Trevor Wallace + Michael Blaustein + The Secret | S5 E10
Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Trevor Wallace + Michael Blaustein + The Secret | S5 E10
Great ass on that guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Lot of Clickbait-y Topics with Jim + Nikki Norton | S4 E22
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Lot of Clickbait-y Topics with Jim + Nikki Norton | S4 E22
Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Lot of Clickbait-y Topics with Jim + Nikki Norton | S4 E22
Okay, I got that in mind.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG.co slash audio.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
Huh?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
94.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
Motherfucker!
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
Ha!
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A “Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming” w/ Heather Locklear + Jillian Barberie | S5 E14
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I almost shit my pants. I almost shit my pants. Make me another drink. Make me another drink. You know, you're one of my favorite human beings. You're the only reason if I ever quit drinking, you're the first person I'll call and the only person I'll ever call. I swear to God when I say that. You quitting drinking, you're the only inspiration in my life. Everyone that's sober, fuck yourselves.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Walked into the desert.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I was focused on the parking ticket.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Because he's just in road. He's like, yeah, that's right. It's Nick Doom, guys. How you guys doing? Ah! What's up, John in the Box? Yeah. How you doing? But it sounds crazy to them, but it's our world. Right. And he's like, no, I can't wait to come to Milwaukee.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Atavan, you know Atavan, right? Is that a benzo nerve? Benzo, it's benzo. And so this is when you're going to rehab, and I only know this from friends, but they give you Atavan to make sure you don't have a stroke, right? Yeah, seizures.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Nerve. Give me a nerve pill.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I want you to hold on to that moment. How many of us have taken a pill and go, so this is what it's like to be normal. This is what it's like to live at 100%. So this is how we get through. I'll name all the pills. Xanax is the first one. Fucking, what's the one that gets you to do homework?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I can do all of this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
If I'm posting reading books, I'm on Adderall. Oxycontin was the one where I was like, I need to read a book to my children, and I don't feel like sitting down. Yeah. But let's do it. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I'm sorry.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts and of course the mind-blowing production empire the band is known for and i am telling you i've seen that firsthand we saw them on tour the whole our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows and if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down check out burt cast number 623 they play acoustic i'm telling you zach
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. Can I tell you what's cool about this whole story? Man, you know I'm Burt. I'm going to be whoever I am.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I love that you're sober. You and Nate Bargatze are the only two sexy... And Nate's not sober, sober, whatever. He just quit drinking. But I just think it's the sexiest thing. And I don't always... I don't always... It's great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And we... You know, like... You guys are... I remember when Nate... I remember seeing Nate during the pandemic. We were at... Rose Bowl, me and Tommy were doing a show and Nate showed up and he looked good. And I've known Nate for a long time. I know chubby Nate. He looked good. And I was like, dude, you look awesome. He's like, yeah, thanks, man. Getting ready for a special.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I was like, you look fucking awesome. He was like, well, I haven't been drinking. Not like I quit drinking, not like I had a problem. Just I haven't been drinking. And I remember looking at him going like, you look clean. You look clean.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Just looking at my face right now, have I been drinking for the last four months?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It's just a guess, though. I can tell in my face when I quit, I can see it in my face a second. It totally... Redness or puffiness? Redness, puffiness, darkness. I can see it in other dudes' faces a lot clearer. Grayness shows up in dudes' faces.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
You, man, can I tell you? Like, I only know you guys as slicky shit. Like, cool. Like, I just, that's all I know. I only know you showing up in the scene and being like, I'm doing something a little different. I think it was when George Bush was president or something. When did you guys start?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I'm joking, I'm joking. Everyone fuck off. I always remember my path as like the scary one, nervous, anxious. I look at you guys and I was like, God, man, that would be a cool career to have.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
That's so cool. I have the exact opposite story. About your dad? Leanne said to me, I said, correct me if I'm lying. I said, we got home with George. And I said... I'm not going to have a drink. This kid will never see me have a drink in my hand. And Leanne said, well, she can't see further than like six inches. And I went, for how long? She was like, six months. I was like, all right, cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
So I got six months.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And then I was like, at six months, I was like, what about now? She's like, it's not even a foot. And I was like, cool, keep a foot from her. I drank her whole life. Would you ever have a drink with your kid?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It doesn't bother me. That's the fucking shit, man. It's like you've never been a preachy guy. You've always just been a dude who goes, I do my shit and I get shit done.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I'll find a way, bro.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
You'll never get that. He grew up in Seattle.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And he'll never get like how terrifying a southern thunderstorm is. Yeah, a wrath of God. Dude. Yeah. Keep going. I didn't mean to interrupt. Keep going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I've never felt powerless over anything in my life. And I mean that. And at times, I'm sure I'm lying. But I'll tell you right now, Pizza, I'm powerless. I'm powerless. I'm powerless where I just, or like if I wake up from a nap and I know there's like Nutter Butters in the house. Right, yeah. I'm powerless. I mean, I'm talking like, my brain goes, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I wish I had had a healthy approach to alcohol. I mean, I didn't. My dad never drank. My mom never drank. My uncles would drink, and I thought it was sexy. My uncles would come in and get fucking blackout drunk and wreck cars, and I just thought I'd hear the stories in the morning, and I'd be like, shut up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
So he wrecked a car on the interstate, and the cops couldn't tell that he was driving because he was drinking a six-pack on the hood. My uncle Jimmy wrecked a car on the interstate, got out, and was drinking a six-pack on the hood when the cop shows up. And the cop's like, were you driving? And he goes, I don't think so.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It was probably a little bit more than you think. Okay, this is pretty good. This is pretty good. It's looking really good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
But that's my problem is like, I had a sexy relationship with booze, you know? And I wish I didn't. I wish I had one like a regular person who was like, ah, you know. Like, I don't know if my kids will have... I don't know what my kids will think about booze.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Your family... I sound like a psycho fan, right? I do, but I know you, and I'm a friend. But your family is, like, one of the coolest fucking families out there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Oh, oh, bro. On the lake, on the lake, boats, cold beers, throwing them over, catching them. Everyone's good looking. His goddamn family is gorgeous. Yeah, his, his, his, when I'd watch his family drink, I'd crack a beer watching his family drink.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Brother, when I first started dating Leanne, I go back to her house, and I was like, I'm going to have a cocktail. She's like, oh, we all drink in front of Granny or Meemaw or Peaball or Pawpaw. And I was like, but everyone's drinking. She was like, but we don't do it in front of them. Yeah, right. And I was like, so we lie to them?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I was like, am I right, Leanne? Yeah. Did you go drink in the other room, though?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
No, I drank right in front of them. I'm a Christian. I drink in front of you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It's like, fuck your brain. We got this. Ain't Nutter Butter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Club's pretty good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Clubs were, that was dick and pussy. Yeah, oh yeah. Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
So you took him in the woods and you're like, let me show you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Having said that, we're making vegan gnocchi. Oh, potato noodles? Potato noodles. Potato noodles. Love it. Everything's vegan. This is... Beyond? Yep, it's beyond meat. Everything's vegan, and we have vegan caprese.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Bro, get on testosterone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I'm 52 and they're happening nonstop.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Where was the first place you saw porn? I'll start, Scott Beaubier's house, on a Saturday night, and I thought we were just partying. And all of a sudden, I saw dick and pussy, and I was like... I thought we were just partying. And I was like, this is legit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I thought that. It's so fun having you here, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I watched a Louis Anderson special with my friends in high school. And I was like, wow, maybe I want to get into comedy. I wish I had been. I wish I was the guy. I knew it. Maybe yes, maybe no. I don't know. But the guy that could jerk off in front of other guys. I have a couple... Black friends who think I'm gay because I never had to rent a train on someone. And I was like, all right, Donnell.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I need more of these stories. All right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
All right, let's keep going. Did you ever put a hose up your ass, squirt water up your ass, squirt it on your buddies, and go, here's public enemy number one? No, I did not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I can light a fart tonight.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Oh, you did. Okay, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
100%. Like, a huge payout. I'm so jealous.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
By the way, that is such a dated reference that no one's going to understand how funny that is. But the backdraft whole concept of the movie was that there was an arsonist. Who was the arsonist?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. And I have to say this. I think we're all kin in this one thing. You're the first person to ever introduce me to Kratom.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Oh, yeah, I love that combo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Bro, I just started wearing real pervert pants. Like, gross.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It's a pocket that your dick goes in. Stacey, you saw them last night. And I love them. I love them. I love them. They make me feel so good about myself.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And I never heard of Kratom. And you're like, oh, it's great, buddy. Hey, if you got a pill problem, Kratom whips it right out. I stand by that. I do. And then I went to the head shop next to my house, and they had kratom, and I was like, oh, I'll take some kratom. And I called Tommy, and he was like, oh, I love it. I do it before I work out. And I was like, it feels like it. It's like zins.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I haven't gotten those yet. How did it take them this long to come up with that? Why can't you look more sexy? It's a bit I worked on for a while. As a straight white guy, we got kind of grandfathered into clothing. We didn't pick our clothes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
like like our bros picked our clothes like they're like if you tried something new your buddy's like what are you what club you going tonight so in a weird way like gay guys got all the clothes and we got like t-shirts jeans shoes maybe flip-flops or you know who knows and so i kind of was always working on this bit i could never get it to work totally because i think i don't wear a shirt on stage so i am not the one that can say it because i'm not wearing a shirt when i say it but like
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
like honestly like creatively like why can't we just wear booty shorts or boy shirts or like why can't you be as sexy as you want to be as a dude you know i you're a parachute buddy that's i've been doing it over there for a long time right i wore a really i wore a really deep v once on stage at the laugh factory and still never forget it well my agent was there
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
That's homophobia. No one has a deeper V than me. No, he was just saying, like, that's not helping you on stage. Yeah, but, you know, they've told me that with, like, not wearing a shirt on stage. And I was like, well, that's what I do. I can't change it. Who hates you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
That's the only guy. I swear to God, you know that. Well, here's the thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Man, I got a list of those.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Look at her walk in the room. She's walking in the room. No, I was a nightmare. With other parents? Yeah. Oh, I love it. Because I was out of control, and everyone was in control, but I didn't have rules.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
On Tuesdays. I remember being at, I'll say the real names. I remember drop-off on a Tuesday. Omar Dorsey, been on the podcast. We're sitting at drop-off, and he goes, you look rough. I go, I had a long night. And he goes, I've had a long night. And I said, you want to go drink? He was like, yeah. I said, let's do a podcast. He goes, for real? Called Halston.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
We did a podcast at like nine o'clock in the morning. And then he goes, we had done it like 11. And he goes, Pat's opening it up in 30 minutes. So we went over to Pat's. We drank until about two o'clock. And he goes, yo, it's pick up in 30 minutes. And we were like, called Leanne. Leanne's like, hey, can you pick up a ****? And **** picked up ****. Got them dinner.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Me and him showed up at seven o'clock at night. Hammered. Kids had eaten. He's like, all right, let's get an Uber and go home. Dude, I was a bad dad. Like, I mean, like, in the whole sense of that shit, I just, I don't know. I didn't subscribe by a lot of the rules, but whatever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It's like, this shouldn't be good for you, but I like it. Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I think so too. I think, you know. What would happen with the dads is, like, I think I'd give them permission to party, and then they'd cut loose.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And they'd be like, yo, I can really fucking drink. I remember being at a birthday party one time for, like, a fucking five-year-old. And they're like, hey, you drinking? And I wasn't because I was doing Ontario. So I had to drive out there. I was like, no, I'm not drinking. And they're like, oh, bro, you're ruining the day for us. They're like, just come on, have a drink.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And they were all drinking shots of Jack Daniels out of a bottle in a park at Pan Pacific Park. Oh, God. And I was like, Jesus Christ.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
You ever taken a dad to a strip club and they're like, and they're just like... the fuck is this? And you're like, oh, you don't go to strip clubs? As comics, I'm at a strip club. If it's a fucking Saturday night, we're like, oh, let's go to a strip club. And it's casual. Then you bring like a dad from school and he's like, what the fuck? You can touch their tits? And you're like, slow down, bro.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Slow down. Pump the brakes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I have caused a lot of issues.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Vegan caprese. So what's a... It's vegan cheese. Special cheese we got there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Or any Reddit page. Yeah, right, yeah. I love you touring with Nate. Oh, it's so fun. Come on in, Sandra.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Well, this gets pretty gay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Yeah, I know. I got into one of those. Leanne got into one from Israel.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
240 is not that bad. 240, yeah. I was 280 at 85 at my biggest.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Did anyone else catch that? He was, hmm. Yeah, hey. No one else caught that except for me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Gypsy King, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
No, it's different. I feel like, you know, can I ask you a question about... Sorry. I didn't know if that was making noise. Can I ask you a question that bothers me so much? And I want to just put it to you and hear your opinion. So, like, the number one question I get asked is, Bert, if you lose weight, are you still going to be funny? And it always offends me because I'm like...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I speak Vietnamese. This is going to get me in trouble at a certain point.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Well, we're talking, right? It's not like I'm throwing myself against a wall. We're just talking. So are you arguing that I'm never going to be as funny as a skinny comic because I use my body? Granted, I work with my shirt off, so I understand that whole mentality. But at the same time, I'm like... But they are just words. Like we are doing words.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It's not like the machine story is like me going, and look at this belly. It drives me fucking nuts. But how do you guys feel about that statement is a skinny comic or a comic that was fat losing weight isn't as funny. And there are examples of it happening.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I think it is in your head. And it's like, wouldn't self-confidence make you funnier? Like, if I was jacked and, like, that's what they always go, like, if you get jacked, and I was like, first of all, it's never going to happen. It's never happened. You've never seen it happen, so why are we talking about jacked? Yeah. Like, let's be real about this conversation.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Guys, this is Sandra.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I know, I'm saying that we were talking to him the whole time and he's just fucking... I can't believe how good this looks. I'm like blown away. I'm so excited for this gnocchi.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Name them, because I can name them right now. Ernest Hemingway, number one. Yeah. Salinger, number two. Beethoven. Like, I think about those ones all the time. So many of them, right? Yeah. Bukowski was all fucked up, wasn't he? Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Sometimes you find a muse in life. Yeah. And where'd she go?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Chivas.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Someone read it. Leanne, read it out loud. Get it written and come in and read it out loud.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Yeah, yeah. Leanne, get Hunter S. Thompson's thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It's like a fucking, put a bell around her neck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
This is the one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I'm going to get my mouth. All right. I'm excited. So, vegan gnocchi. We have a little caprese right there. Let me get you some, you have forks and knives?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
We need some salt. I didn't put any salt on this. I'm going to fuck the bread. Bread's vegan. When did you go vegan?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
You like it? I do. I'll tell you the key to veganism is fucking yeast. Yeast gives it like a Parmesan cheese effect, and it really kills it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Do you love baseball? He likes soccer. Oh, how heartbreaking is that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
For real? Yeah. But you're a baseball guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
This is good, Bert. This isn't bad, right? No, it's good. It's really good. I love it. And it's vegan. We're healthy as fucking shit right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Do you always eat it? No, I'm supposed to. I usually take a bite and then I'm out. This is really fucking good. If I could eat this, I'd eat vegan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Wait, who's your girlfriend? Is she famous? No. Okay. You always date famous people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
In auditions and stuff, and in a table read, in anything. But if you block out a scene for me, I can act.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Are you serious? Dude, low-key, underground, I love that chick. I was obsessed with Harriet Tubman when I was a kid. Obsessed with her.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I guarantee you it's not happening now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I love you, buddy. I love you so much. I love you so much. That is my... Can I tell you, I really love when people talk politics. I do. I don't. I don't. Because I'm never really sold on my thing, you know? I think I had a dad that always made me question how I felt. So every time I say something, I regret it, laying in bed going, like, why would I say that? I was so stupid.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Because I go, oh, I go there and I say the thing, and I go there and I say the thing, I have motivation. But if you say, like, stand and deliver the lines, that's talking about reciting memorization.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
But I really respect people that show their politics. I really, genuinely do. It's really putting yourself out there. It really is. It really genuinely is. And I've watched people do it and regret it. I've watched my friends do it and regret it wholeheartedly. Yeah. And go like, I get it. I totally get it. I'm proud that you did it. I'm happy for you. But like, it's absolutely not my thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
That's the beauty. That's the beauty of seeing the text. It was like, yo, my mom got diagnosed with cancer. I'm driving home. I'm listening to your podcast, and I don't have to think about that shit. And you're like, oh, that's my job. Yeah. I'm definitely not informing anyone about anything. Can we talk about controversial things? Your tattoos. My daughters are getting tattoos like yours. What?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Tattoos. Tattoos? Nick's tattoos. Mm-hmm. Yeah, those. My daughters are now getting tattoos like yours. They're almost like postcards about life. You're the first person I saw do it where it was like, that's cool, but why is it there? That's not a sleeve. That's like a stamp. And I'm curious if you can explain them to me as a dad of daughters getting them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
What did I do? Okay, keep going. It would scare me, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
George got one in the center of her chest. And I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, and then they just started showing up. And I was like, and I just gave up. But the only reason I was cool with it, because I watched you get them. And I was like, all right. I guess they mean something. But it wasn't like back in the day you got a sleeve, and then that defined you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Yeah, but that's my head. Yeah. It's like, I don't know, when you guys do stand-up, you don't have it like... You don't have it like... Do you write it, write it, or do you just say it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Now it's like a little piece of artwork that you remember things by. Is that right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Can you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I have one tattoo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Well, because you did that shit. It made sense to me. And we got edit this out. Just bleep it out so that no one knows what my tattoo is. But we got like a ****. We all got the same tattoo except for ****. We got an ****. You went in the ocean immediately?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Yeah, that's definitely a don't, you don't do that. You're not supposed to do that. But it's cool because I saw you getting them and I was like, and the girls wanted to get them. The girls got them. Isla, Georgia, both had them. Leanne had them. And they're like, we should do it as a family. And I looked at you going... OK, maybe they're maybe they're a keepsake.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Maybe they're like a thing to remember, the thing you should love. And you see it, it cheers you up instead of going like, oh, fuck, I regret getting a polo pony right here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Yeah. As long as I've known you, look, you guys are perfect the way you are. I'm the one that needs help. Where did Leanne go? What the fuck? Why does she keep leaving? Getting you help right now. I have no idea. We have a fucking early flight tomorrow. I guarantee you I have notes tonight when I get home. Gentlemen, this has been a great episode. Thank you so much for doing this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I love you guys to death.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Wait, hold on. I know you probably have stuff to promote. You have a new special that Nate's producing, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Check out their specials. These are my favorite people in the world. I love you guys to death. I really do. This was the episode I was looking forward to. Oh, thanks, buddy. Cheers.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
God bless, guys. Cheers. All right. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
All right, listen up, you beautiful, high-functioning party animals like me. The Two Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida on May 4th is sponsored by the first beverage built to outpace the party. Dude, these things are awesome. Light Strike Hard Refresher is an excellent source of 5% alcohol. That's right. It's got more in it, but an excellent source of 5% alcohol.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Light Strike Heart Refresher is finally here, and unlike anything the alcohol industry has ever seen, Light Strike isn't just a drink. It's a goddamn survival tool. It's perfect to pace the party. Why choose between fun and function? This hydration drink-inspired cocktail low-key brings its own self-care to the party with a crushable mix of coconut water, sea salt, and 5% alcohol by volume. It is
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
non-carbonated. It is gluten-free. It is a great alternative to a fizzy hard seltzer or a sugary can drink. Light Strike comes in resealable sports drink bottle, giving new control over how hard you want to party. Want half now, half a little later? Not a problem. Want a little more alcohol? Try it with a splash of Borosos. Take a little sip. Put it back in there. Pretty nice.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Or mix it with your favorite tropical cocktail. These are awesome. And they're launching nationally this month with two flavors, Lemon Lime and Orange Mango. Lemon Lime is phenomenal. Orange Mango, Splashy Porosos, that's my drink. Drink them cold, over ice, or just watch how fast it disappears. It's crazy. I love these things. These really are, you know I like to drink on a treadmill.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
You know that's one of my favorite things to do. And these, it's like they read my diary. Learn more about Light Strike at drinklightstrike.com or follow them on TikTok and Instagram. Tag them. Tag them. Companies like this love when you have one of their drinks and tag them on Instagram or on TikTok at drinklightstrike. Light Strike, hard refresher, an excellent source of 5% alcohol.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I love that branding. This show is sponsored by Cigars International. Cigars International is the ultimate destination for premium handmade cigars. Known as the industry leader, Cigars International offers the largest selection, unbeatable prices, and a customer service experience that is second to none, whether you're new to cigars or, like myself, a seasoned aficionado.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
stands behind every order whether you're new to cigars or a seasoned pro like the b-man cigars international makes it easy to find the right cigar with helpful guides staff reviews and expert advice and that expert advice comes in so handy i went to their site and i'm a ring gauge guy and i went through all the ring gauges with the wrap i like i like a maduro wrap and a large ring gauge and i found the best damn cigars that i'm taking to the beach with me tonight
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird to check out for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. It's funny because I used to never, I used to only write and then I just started voice texting, but my voice text will misinterpret what I said. Yeah. And then I'll read that and I'll go, what is that? And then I'll think of that thing and do that as a joke.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Like I, I, my honesty, that's funny. Yeah. You know, honestly, when I was starting, a lot of my jokes came from under-hearing people. Like, they'd say something, and I'd go, huh? And I'd think that was funny. I'm like, that's not what I said. And I was like, oh, I thought that was what you said. And then I'd just do that as a bit. There was a guy in Murderball named Mark Zupan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
You can't be the villain. You can't be the villain. Cheers, buddy. Cheers. Cheers. Your... Nick, I can't tell you how much I love you. I really can't. I can't express it. Because you entered my life at a time and you shared all your fucking dirty laundry at a time that I needed to hear it. And it was really fucking pivotal. And I hope...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
He got paralyzed because he fell asleep in the back of a truck. Now, I saw the promo of him saying that, and I thought he said, I got paralyzed from the waist up. and I couldn't stop laughing at the concept that there would be a guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Yeah, legs work, but I couldn't stop laughing. And so a lot of times I would hear a joke, I would hear someone's statement wrong, and I would go, oh, that's hysterical. Then everyone would be like, you're a fucking lunatic.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Can you do mind sharing this? I think about this all the time. Do you realize how much I think about you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
It's crazy. It's crazy. Hey, man, if you don't want this in the podcast, we don't have to put it in the podcast, but I think about this all the time. Nick came to my house one time. And man, I was blown away. I didn't see any of this. It was when he was really partying. And maybe I shouldn't say partying because that puts light on it and maybe that makes it fun. But he was in this bad space.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And we came into the back and he was like, hey, can we do a shot or something? And I've always been up to party. And we did a shot. It was like 10 in the morning, maybe earlier. I didn't realize Nick was in a spot. And... And it was a great time. We had a great conversation. We had a great fucking time. We got lit and we left. And then like a time after that, he ended up in the desert, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
And I'd never heard of this in my life. I'd never heard of what like real drinking was like, like real, real drinking. And you came on the podcast again, you said the last time I was here I was in a bad space. And you told that story and I would love for you to share a little bit just again because I feel like it's so important.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Because as a guy who parties a lot, I heard that and I went, whew, I didn't know that was happening. And I think, in my opinion, I think it creeps up on you. I don't think you see it coming. Am I right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I hope that one podcast goes viral because of how vulnerable you are and how awesome you are. But like, dude, by the way, if I ever decide to quit drinking, it's not real. Yeah. It's just for like a couple weeks.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
I'm like, so it's not higher, it's a little lower. Okay, okay, keep going, keep going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Talkin’ (But Not Doing) Clean Living with Nick Thune + Trae Crowder | S5 E05
Yeah. Nope, nope, nope. I do the same thing. I'm not dead now and I'm not going to be dead tonight. Yeah. So let me figure this out. Keep going. I love this. Process that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
What happened? Nothing. Did you get an earpiece in?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
89.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
Huh?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
You sit down. And look where?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
I'm taking a bite out of the sandwich. Just sit down, man. Just stop standing up. Just, no. You ready? In the chair. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
Look at this cross section.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
Are you okay with this? Fuck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
God.
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Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
Things.
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Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
You know, like, that's not me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
You're more of a cream cheese guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
100%.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Jews Can’t Handle Spice with Adam Ray, Cam Heyward, + Rich Eisen | S5 E01
Have you ever had a fruit by the foot?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
That's the only one I saw.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
I like that. I would love to play basketball.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
That scared the shit out of me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
It's ready? What was wrong with it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
That's my whole life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
They're supposed to be able to drive themselves, but they can't actually evolve in time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
Wait, you added in your order?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Keeping Things Clean with Nate Bargatze and Dusty Slay | S4 E17
You don't eat anything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, me and you are about to talk about fitness and health and longevity. You look very fit. No, but I love that you've incorporated meat into your diet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That's entertainment. So I sat at a bar. I told him this story. You know the races it is. I don't remember what it is, but any NASCAR fan right now is going to go, shut the fuck up. I sat at a bar in D.C. on the phone with Elliot, and I said, okay, I'm game. What are we watching? And he goes, this is a good one. He's like, you are going to be happy. This is the perfect one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I know, and I'm fucking fascinated by all the health changes it did for you. Yes. Because I'm a hardcore carnivore, except for today. I would have thought vegan. Yeah. I would have thought.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, like, what is it? Like, they had stage dads. Yeah. Like, Earl Woods was a stage dad. He took Tiger to play golf. Right. Same as drinking as dad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's got to be crazy. Almost like you're going to watch your son race cars. It's like LeBron watching his son play high school basketball. Every other dad's got to be like, so what do you think of my kid's lines?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You do it like this. You don't want to go to your friend's birthday party. No, no, no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Well, it's community.
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I mean, it's community. The thing that's cool about this is my wife's redneck chicken. This looks amazing. Coleslaw. It's got ramen noodle. It's got cabbage. It's got green onion. It's going to be fucking amazing. This sandwich is to die for. It's soaking in sweet tea. I'm going to dredge it back and forth, and I'm going to air fry it because we're staying healthy. Yeah, we are.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And I watched you in 2007. That's right. Where? Bristol? Bristol. At Bristol. And it is like, I mean, it's like Hall of Fame endings of a NASCAR race.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And then put pimento cheese on it and some Alabama white sauce. Yeah, we're staying healthy. We're staying healthy. That's for me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. Sweet tea is great. It's why everyone in the South has diabetes. Yes, that's true. It's like why everyone in my wife's family doesn't have teeth. It rots them out. It rots. And they come in gallon jugs. Yes, they do. Gallons. And they just go, oh, sweet tea? I can't. It's a lot. That was a good accent, actually. You pulled that well. Oh, I sleep with it. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
My wife's accent when she gets drunk. I got a few jokes about it, but I'll keep them out of this act because I know I think we're being brand friendly. My wife's family is like big NASCAR wrestling. Like, this is the trifecta. We're not wrestling. We're not staged. No, no, no, no. That's what they're into. They're not scripted. Come on. It would be great if NASCAR was scripted.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And he's like your Vince McMahon? Basically. Yeah, but he's not in front of the cameras as much. Okay, so when you guys get in trouble, you go to NASCAR Village or something? The NASCAR Hauler. Hauler.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
What happens in the NASCAR Hauler?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So, okay, this is what I want to know. Is it like, Kyle, we need to talk. Or is it, God damn it, mother, one of those?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. That's, by the way, that viral content tells Bill the brand every NASCAR hauler should be filmed and talked about. Yeah. I want to, I want, this is also what I want to see is like, cause I think as a fan, you watch the cars crash and then you go, Oh, that's it. But someone's got to pay for that. The owners do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Wait, what's the difference between, so there's three series, right? Yeah. There's trucks. Trucks. There's Xfinity. Xfinity. Xfinity. And then Cup. Cup. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And so do you do all three? I do, yeah. Is one like just more fun?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
What—I don't know who you like and who you don't like. So if I compliment someone you don't like, I apologize. But I know you—I think you like this guy. But— What a legend is Joe Gibb that he was a coach for a Super Bowl team and now he's like a NASCAR legend. That's kind of wild to switch occupations that late in life and then be at the highest competition on both.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I've known him longer than you?
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I think he's better at racing. I mean, that's crazy. Maybe. He did fire me, though. Oh, okay. Well, we shouldn't have brought him up. Okay, never mind, never mind. Henry, that's a cool guy, right? He fired me, too. What about Junior? He's a solid dude. I wrecked him in 2008. His dad was good, though? I never met him. Fuck! You do kind of remind me a little bit of his dad, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Wait. So, wait. You just met him and you were like, what do you do for a living?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
What's the difference between, like, in your profession? Did you wash your hands, by the way? Of course, I took a shower. I took a shower right before this. Guess what the last part of my body I washed was? I saw the sign upstairs that said wash your ass. No, I did. That's Red Fox. I did wash my hands because I was handling chicken before this, so I had to wash them. I'm not a big hand washer.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
This is buttermilk. Buttermilk biscuits.
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And then this is just a flour.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Flour, I put cayenne and pepper and garlic. And so I'm gonna air fry them. I'm gonna air fry them, I think, two at a time. And so then we'll let them sit and then we'll do another two. I'll put the oven on warm so we can keep them warm. That's good. Hold on, what's the difference between Like, if you said to me, what's the difference between stand-up and improv, I'd go, I have a lot of notes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
What's the difference between NASCAR and F1?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Promo girl? Hold on. Like you'd walk around with the shots and the... Yeah, I mean, whether it was shots or I'd go to sporting events, whatever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
They're littler guys. They're jockeys. Yeah. Yeah, like, they're purpose-built guys. It's wild, though, that, like, that F1 got this like princess vibe. Like the Prince of Monaco was there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
What are you wearing? And like, most people that go aren't even fans.
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
But it's funny to me because it's like, then you go to NASCAR, there's no one there on accident.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Can you bet on NASCAR? Oh, yeah. Bet MGM all day long. Do you have a sponsor? Yep, sure do. Is it Bet MGM? Yes, it is. I might have to bet on Talladega.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Oh, but we live in California. California, you can't bet out here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm trying to keep my fingers, but I was like, screw it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I know. There's a theory between, like, dipping fingers. I tenderize these chicken breasts so they're super tender. This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour, featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet, featuring Second Chance, sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts. And of course the mind blowing production and pyro, the band is known for, and I am telling you, I've seen that firsthand. We saw them on tour. The whole, our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down, check out Burt cast number six 23. They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach is, is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade, this is a night you're not going to want to miss.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It was the street car.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. But so wait, let's talk about diet real quick because me and you, I was going to make something you made. Oh, gosh. Your Instagram's fucking awesome, by the way.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It was a pace car. Pace car rides. Wait, will that thing drive fast, that Impala you have out there? No, let's not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That's right. Those are my favorite parts. The Insta-boyfriend, the Insta-husband is my wife's entire journey into life. She has been the, hey, hold the camera. No, but hold it like this. No, but take a picture of me here. She does it.
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Get that schedule prime. Just do it right and we'll be done. You can't see. There's so much room above my head.
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
There's so much room. What, are you trying to get our bookshelf in this? It's me. Get it on my face. And then what are we doing? Crop me here. Do not get my gut. Crop me right here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Well, then I can't get your shoulders.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You've already told 11 dirty jokes?
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Anything she says I can turn into a sexual innuendo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, that one. In and out innuendo. Right? Anyway, let's start air frying. So I'm going to air fry these for 20 minutes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
There we go. I was gonna do it in oil, but then you said no butter, and I was like, I respect that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Who's the most famous person from Gary? It's Michael Jackson.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Is that for real? Yeah. What? I didn't know that. Michael Jackson's Gary in the end.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You've seen Michael Jordan shows up?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm like, shut up. Michael Jordan called you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hold on. I know. You grew up in Vegas. Your dad's a mechanic. Let's start there, okay? It wasn't that cool. Let's start. You haven't always been Kyle Busch.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Does he know what he's doing in NASCAR?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
They were gonna say 80 to 100 grand, and I was like, I'm buying two teams. 80 to 100 mil. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And we were doing endurance racing. Then you need 100 mil. Well, I bought him a car. Yeah. My buddy Tom is really into cars. He's really into racing. So for his birthday. That's a different guy. That's not the same guy. That's not Elliot. No, no, no, different guy. Different guy. This guy's a disabled comedian. Is that because his jokes are no good?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That too, but mostly he tried to dunk a basketball and he broke his knee and broke his arm. Yeah, so he thought racing was his new thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Wait, how old were you? Like seven. Okay, thank God. I'm sitting here going, 34.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That's running into a wall. You don't swim with your eyes open? No. No.
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Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
God, wait, I still can't believe you don't swim with your eyes open. Wait, raise your hand if you swim with your eyes open.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Okay, Stace? Oh, is that your contact? No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I was like, you are my daughter, Isla. That's crazy. Wait, how bad was it when you broke your legs? Oh, that was big. That was really crazy. Yeah, that was a tough wreck. It's crazy how, like... She was pregnant. She was seven... 28 weeks.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's crazy how some wrecks look really bad. And that one, it looked bad. I mean, it looked bad, but it didn't look like, it didn't look like it was two broken legs bad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
My wife just bought me one of those. What? Bring it over, bring over my flip phone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. Is there any scariness when the car starts spitting out, or is it just kind of like, oh, fuck?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Jesus. Did you know your legs were broken right away?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you have a protocol of how to get like, do they teach you not teach you, but do you have like a neck, neck, neck thing? Like, yes. So like, yeah, it's almost like a formula. So you never forget exactly. Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, and I got claustrophobic in one of those things. If you're like a regular human, those things are not fun. I can tell you need an extra large helmet. Yeah. Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Guys, this is what they're talking about. Yeah, and it has the letters on there. It has the letters, and it was called A7, I think. T9, and you have to go A, B, C, D. Okay, 10, that's my D. A, D, D. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, so you're back on old school now? Yeah, we have an addiction problem. Okay, yeah. I just doom scroll, and then next thing you know, I'm watching foot surgeries for three hours.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Sorry. It's my phone. That's hers. Do people call each other and go, hey, sorry about that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'd love to see what you see. POV? Yeah, like, no, no, I'd love to see what you see. Like, there's one, I forget, I'm saying, like, races that I've seen. Mm-hmm. And there was one where a guy's in third place or whatever and the two guys in front of him kind of spin out and he just flies right past them. It was a really big race. And I want to say you were in the wreck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
But I remember seeing that and I go, my only recollection of something like that is when in comedy you say, what do you do for the living? And the guy's like, I'm an abortion doctor. And you're like, oh, wow, I see a hole. Like, this is going to be great. You know, or whatever. You know, like when you see a hilarious occupation or a hilarious moment. Yeah. Of like, how long you guys been dating?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That's my daughter. And you're like, ah, you know. I can't imagine what you see visually on the track. I would love to.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
What's plate races?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So wait, what's the difference? Talladega's a super speedway. So what's Daytona? Super speedway. What's Bristol? Short track. Bristol, short track. Okay, so I've been on, so okay, what's the one in Vegas? That's an intermediate. Okay. It's a speedway, but not super speedway. So super speedway means just bigger.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And you can't hear anyone in any other car?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
God. Yeah. You'd think you'd get better the older you get. Yeah. But some guys have a better career when they're younger. Like, why ever retire? You just get better the older you get.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Pimple popping. Pimple popping zits, I was just gonna say that. My son and I. Do you watch Dr. Pimple Popper? Yeah. Okay, I had her come here and cut off all my skin tags. Oh. That sounds fantastic.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Is there a fearlessness when you're young? Do you notice a difference when you're youthful?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
so fast. Wait, can you drive a little NASCAR-y on the street? Yes! Not really.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You know what we do? We go, looks like I'm getting off at the next exit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Looks like I'm going to San Francisco.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm joking. Oh, she gets mad at me because if I get on the interstate, I stay in that lane.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
so i stay in the far right lane i just go i don't know we're safe what am i it kills her and i'm going i'll go like i'll go like 55 miles an hour just stay in that lane and she's like what are you doing i go what we're good yeah she's like get over and then she what she has like theories on what the best lane is what's the best lane on the 101 going out to the girls school uh it's the not the fast lane the one next to it to the right of it
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, and my daughters. I have a mole right here, and one time my daughters were like, we're going to take a look at that. And I went, what? I've had it for my whole life. And they're like, I think we can pop it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Oh, wow. I'm glad I did that. Yeah, you want to scrape? Yeah. Hmm.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So I think we just lost all our breading on the fucking... That's perfect. It's gonna be great, guys. And it's gonna be extra helpful. Extra help, extra help. Yeah, we didn't need extra breading. We're leaving a little breading behind. Yeah, yeah, we're leaving. Don't worry, I'll get it. It's a low-carb version. This is the diet one. This is the diet one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
The, I mean, have you ever gotten an Uber? You probably don't take Uber. I do, yeah, we do Ubers. Have you ever gotten an Uber with a guy who's not speaking English and driving like a lunatic? And you're like, oh, I don't think you grew up with lanes. That's New York.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's crazy. You know what the theory is? And I wonder if this is NASCAR. It's look forward, don't look back. Never look back. And when you get on a Vespa, just look ahead of you. Just look ahead of you, and you just gotta make sure you're going forward, and that's all you gotta do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm getting one of those.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Lose the hero, get with the zero.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, I'm getting a Harley, big dog, so daddy can hunt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
She's rolling her eyes the entire time. So fast. And right now, her dad's going to watch this and go, hell, he had Kyle Busch? What? How come my boy didn't have someone? Hell, what the hell? I was telling you, I never got to finish. Her dad's a mechanic. And he was like, well, now, I wanna show you something. When I die, I'm gonna leave a little something to you boys. So I want you to take a look.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
He takes us into his garage, opens the door, and I go, what am I looking at? And he goes, that was Outboard Motors. He has roughly 1,000 cars. outboard motors for like boats. Like he collects them because he loves the engine. He loves the, he's just fascinated. He collects them? That's the first I've ever heard of that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. What do you guys, what kind of, what do you want? Just on the rocks? Do you want it with some soda? Do you want some ginger ale? Do you want? I'll do rocks. What would you like? Can I get, how about this? Can I introduce you to a Campari spritz? Yeah, anything. Have you ever had a Campari spritz?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's like, you ever see, you ever see Texas Chainsaw Massacre when he has bodies hanging? Yeah. It's like that with outboard motors. Yeah. And it's just, and he goes, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what,
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
One day, I'm gonna be taking a bath in outdoor motors. I'm gonna need so many Jonbo's. Make sure you take the props off first. God, he has so many of them. But yeah, that's my future.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No joke. My dad, he's a pack rat.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Like a hoarder. So your dad's like a legit mechanic. You guys are kids. And then you and your brother make some money, right? Yeah. And then at any point does your dad go, do you guys get your dad something where you're like, he would love this or he would love that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That's wild. Is your mom still alive? Yeah. Are they still married? Yeah. Nice. Do you ever, like, feel a kinship with his mom now that you're a race mom?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, wait. Do you think she'd like Aperol better?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, and can you see that almost? In different kids? Can you see that they're like, yo, watch out for seven. He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Yes, oh yeah. Really?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And so I don't know if I want my daughters to get into stand-up. I mean, I kind of would because I would be like, yo, I can get you to feature act real quick. Like I can get you up and running real quick. But I don't know if, you know, the path – Like, the path you've taken, he's going to take, possibly. Right. And he wants that for him? He wants to. But do you want that for him?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Oh, you know what I love? You guys are still young. God dang it. Almost.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Oh, because it's going to be expensive?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
yeah but i wouldn't want to i wouldn't want to be a big-time team owner we let isla drive before she could drive and uh and she was like i'll be fine and she's up here we're like good cool and then she hits the pedal but it's not going fast enough for her so she dips under the wheel to gun it and we're like no you have to be able to see what you're driving there's a we have pictures of her and she's just this
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
35 seconds. By the way, this is gonna look good. Either way, this is gonna look good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
40's a great year.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Let's get her an Aperol Campari Spritz and me and you will do Rebel on the Rocks. Let's do some Rebel Rocks. Do you ever drive?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I bet your parents were super, like, not helicopter parents.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And then this is the best part. is they do it with pimento cheese. Do you guys have, like, do you guys travel with, like, a chef and stuff? Yep. Because you're a pro athlete. Yeah. I mean, it's like the thing that I don't think people understand is, like, you're a professional athlete. I'm a lean, mean fighting machine. Yeah. Yeah. So you travel with, like, a chef and everything?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, her name's Samantha.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
But you're also really into... I love to cook, though. Do you really? Yes, I love to cook. Have you ever had candied jalapenos? I think we have. Candied jalapenos are the best. They're my favorite. So that's not like pickled jalapenos. No. So what's a candied? They cover them in... It's like they call them Texas... What do they call them? In Texas, they call them like Texas something.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, passenger princess, dude. I hate driving.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
But it's basically sugared jalapenos. And they are so good... We don't have any here, but if I ever find them, you can get them at like... It has like a glaze on it that hardens. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. So what's so interesting to me and so, I would love, I would love to sit with a NASCAR historian and talk about you. Because you were the guy that introduced me to NASCAR, really.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. There's a few of those guys. I got a couple guys. But what's so interesting about you and might explain a lot about you is that you are a NASCAR outsider. You're from Vegas. All those guys are like old country boys. And you came in from Vegas. Vegas is, you know, like the hot shot, the mafia, the way they see it. And so as I say, have you ever had Alabama hot sauce?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Never drive. I never drive. Really? Leanne, have I ever driven us? I don't like driving.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I would argue that a bunch of NASCAR drivers are like, Alabama sauce or Alabama white sauce? Oh, yeah, we know that, boy. Come on. Where do you think I grew up? Right. But then you go, huh, is that butter? And you're like, no. But I think that's I wonder if that would ever feel. Did you feel like an outsider?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yes. Leanne? I know, right. Leanne, what did your family do? Was your family bootleggers or they were the?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So she was a part of the whole inception of NASCAR, that whole family line. Right. I think it's fascinating. Yeah, it's cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Here, try Alabama white sauce. So it's a mix of like mayonnaise, vinegar, Dijon mustard, and see if you want it on your sandwich. I think it's fucking phenomenal.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Good. Which one's mine? Which one do you want?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
They're all big. They're all big. They're massive. They're each half pounds of chicken. I love watching that pooch just pour over it. I'll take that one. All right, you want this one? Here you go. I'll take this one. Yes, sir.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I think you're going to have to cut it in half to be dead serious. Yeah, me too. Here, let me give you a knife.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, it's not. By the way, I have such a great knife game and they're all gone. There's one right here. Oh yeah, that's what I was looking for. Here, oh, there you go. Thank you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
This is the raw chicken one. No, it's not. Oh no, no, no, no, I didn't cut anything with that. Let's look at the cross section. This is like my favorite part of a sandwich. Look at that cross section.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, kind of. You know, I just, I don't know. I gave up driving a while back, like just stopped doing it, and I always just sat shotgun, and I don't know. And then I never picked it back up. And like, I drove here today, but I drive very seldomly. I mean, if my car has, I've had my car for, since 2021, and if it has 7,000 miles on it, I'd be shocked. Oh, wow.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That looks so good. All right, I'll tell you first bite. I'll tell you first bite, and then I want to see the look on your face.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's so good. I can tell you right now. I have the recipe right here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. I've been waiting this all day.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Try a bite. Try a bite.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I just met new people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's hard, but. You want me to bite? You bite it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Just go for it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
But you want that bite. That's what she said. I'm trying, I'm trying. That's an innuendo. That's an innuendo. Here, put it in your mouth. That's two.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Do not spit it out. That's four. You got white stuff on your lips. That's five. Oh, she licked the white stuff. I love when she licks it off her lips. That's six.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
She's using both hands, seven.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, it's nothing. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So is this. This one's your recipe.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
The sauce is good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Crunch on it looks weird. We're just doing innuendos, babe. It's pretty good, though. It's pretty good, though, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
By the way, if you want the real deal, go to Saw's Barbecue in Birmingham, Alabama. It is the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. Anytime I do the Stardome, they come out and they support and they bring sandwiches. And I'm telling you right now, what race is in Birmingham? Where's Talladega in Talladega? They do it in Talladega? That's kind of crazy that they name it as well.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's down the street.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Oh. So when you're done the race, is it like cool down, cold beers, a smoky joint, a little DMT, listen to Pink Floyd, see what matches up with Alice in Wonderland? That's probably the 70s. Fuck. Those are my guys. Yeah, oh yeah. What do you guys do?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You probably don't have a fear of flying, do you? No, she does.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm so sorry. Are we twinsing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You two are the same person and we're the same person.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
He's a NASCAR driver, yeah. The only way he feels alive is being next to bed at 200 miles an hour.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm going to jump in here. If you told me that I could get in a plane with a pilot or get into a car with a NASCAR champion. Right. I go, I picked the champion.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That's the safest ride I'm ever going to get in my life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And by the way, seven hour drive, we get there in three.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And he's like, he's like, yeah, maybe if like, a lot of people like it. So maybe you should like give it a chance. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, he's like, I mean, if that many people like it, maybe you're wrong and they're right. And I went, impossible. And he told me, he said, watch the last 10 minutes. Got to try something. Start somewhere. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Was it after a race?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Don't blame you at all. Hey, what did you think of Leanne's coleslaw?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's really good. Isn't it good? Yeah, it's very good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Can I ask you a question? Yeah. And I'm going to start with Leanne. I'll shove that in my mouth. Okay. I've received negative feedback online and at times, and it bothers me. But if you ask me, I go, it doesn't bother me, right? And he's received negative feedback. I want the wives to answer just to talk about it. Because if I ask him, I'll be like, yeah, you know, it is what it is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You're racing and this and that. There's a textbook answer you give. But I'm curious to see the wife's perspective of how you see us receive it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Like when I receive negativity, like when, what's his name? How does he act when he receives the negative?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Mine's different than yours in that it's like my friend saying it to me. Like my friend will be like, dude, man, negative comments on that podcast we did. And I'm like, didn't need to know any of that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I could have just done the podcast and said, hey, it was cool seeing you, man. Right. But I wonder your perspective of how you see me react, and I'm curious to see how your perspective of seeing how you react.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And it's weird if you allow it to change who you are as a person, then they've won. So you have to stay true to who you actually are. So what I think is so cool about your career And you know, I just had, was it Gavin Adcock that I had on? Do you know who Gavin Adcock is? Gavin Adcock is his favorite driver, Kyle Busch. And we got into a conversation. We should call Gavin real quick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So this is going to air right before Talladega. And one of my favorite sandwiches I've ever had in my entire life is out of Alabama. It's a place called Saul's Barbecue. It is a sweet tea chicken sandwich. Is that what that is? So this has been marinating in sweet tea. Here's your Aperol, your Campari spritz.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Gavin Adcock's an amazing musician. He's the coolest dude. Right on. And we connected on you. And I said, yeah, man. But what's cool about you is that you couldn't help but be yourself. A lot of times. And that's, hey, listen, and I'm certain you've seen people in your sport manipulate the fans so that they feel like they're the hero. I'm regular, but they're not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
They're not. You know, can I tell you? Because she's starting a podcast. Oh, you are? Yes, around infertility.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
What are you going to call it? Plus one?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
We'll see. I always say, this is my two cents, and maybe I shouldn't say anything, but I always say, leave yourself open for everything. Because there's going to be times that you're going to want to have maybe other wives from NASCAR on who haven't had any experience with that. But you'll want to have them on. And maybe you'll have moments where you're like, I don't have a guest.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I don't have anything to talk about. I don't want to struggle. That's why I always say when she started her podcast, I said, let it suck for like a year. Figure out what you want to do. And now her podcast is really awesome. And she's in Kylie Kelsey's podcast. But Kylie's podcast is a little over there. It's the Philadelphia Eagle, Kelsey. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know which one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
The bigger of the two.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I know the wives. By the way, that's a podcast. It's brothers. Yeah. And you just have brother athletes. And you guys do something. Name all the top. Who are the best brothers in sports? Everyone chime in. Best brothers in sports.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Kurt and Kyle. Mannings. Mannings. Jason and Travis. You're not going to remember this. Dewey and Leroy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Oh, no, no, no. The Von Eriks. The Von Eriks. The Von Eriks were huge. Anyone else know any other brothers in sports?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Really? It makes sense that in a sport like NASCAR or in billiards or in bowling that there shouldn't be a gender gap, in my opinion. Right. But it's like, you know, maybe I don't know how stressful NASCAR is on the body. Maybe there is a fatigue that kicks in. I don't know that. I've never done it. I mean, I know I did that one lap.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I love Campari. Cheers, guys. Thanks for having us. Something's burning. Better check on it. I just hope I hear that one time when you're like, got a tire on fire, like, boy, something's burning in your headset. I don't want that to come across my headset. Maybe you don't want to.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Do we have a tank top for this? Because I feel like as I look at some races, I go, I feel like I'm getting on the treadmill.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
How much weight do you lose during a race?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Mm-hmm. You should drink a bunch of booze the night before. Oh, God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I drop weight like crazy. Drink a bunch of booze, get in the sauna with a belly, and then it goes away, and you're like, get on the scale naked, and you're like, nice. Nice. So when we go to Charlotte, you live in Charlotte, so will you be at the race? Yeah. And you'll be at the race. Yes, oh, fun.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And then I'm doing a Something's Burning pop-up at the race, the Coca-Cola 600, but so you'll be, like, I'm very curious to see what you'd be like. Like, I go, hey, Kyle, and you're like, mm-hmm. And because if you saw me before the show. I know, but I think I'm bringing burgers down to the pit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, with burgers.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
We're doing a. Something's burning. Something's burning. We're going to do a pop-up for NASCAR.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
We're gonna film it with the fans, and then I'm gonna make a bunch of burgers, bring them to the pit. The pit was my favorite place to be. It's like so cool. And everyone's so chill right before, you think it's everyone's like, you think it would be like high end, but like everyone's, you know, kind of like loose and fun. Yeah, everybody bros up a little bit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
But the second the darn race starts, I'm telling you, It is intense. We sat in Talladega. We sat with a race team. On the pitbacks? In the stand above the... And it is wild. I mean, just... It's the coolest thing you've ever seen in the world. No F1's got on that. I mean, it's like... It's just so intense.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Doing some donuts. How much would it cost me to get you to say something in your mic to promote my tour right as you win Talladega? What do you think the price point would be? How much money you got. No. We'll start there. I got what they call stupid money, meaning I don't spend it wisely.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Have you been to a NASCAR race?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Okay, I guess so. Of course.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's overwhelming.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's a real quick way to find out if you have anxiety. If you get down there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I have fake memories of it. I have fake memories of it. I don't know if this is real, but I remember them pouring Coca-Cola on it. Yes. That's real? Yeah, that's real. Oh, they were pouring Coca-Cola on the thing, and I go, huh? And I thought I dreamed that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
This is, by the way, I just got to say, I walked into this interview a casual NASCAR fan. and I walked out a NASCAR fan. Meaning, I knew a little bit, but as I talked to you, I was like, oh, I think I've seen a lot more of NASCAR than I think I've seen. I think you've seen a lot more NASCAR than you've seen. I've seen a lot of NASCAR. I gotta hang on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No. Okay. Hey, I've been celebrating you this whole episode. You introduced me to NASCAR. You introduced me to Kyle, and you are a fucking legend. Thank you so much. And I think to anyone right now, this is Elliot's words, not mine. If you have never watched NASCAR, millions of people can't be wrong. Watch the last 10 minutes and start there. Those are your words, not mine, not mine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Hey, next time you're in D.C., go do his radio show. He has the fucking biggest thing on the East Coast. Come to Richmond.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Hey, I love you to death, brother.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Bye. He's the greatest guy. And I'm so glad I discovered NASCAR. And I hope so many more people discover. Listen, it's like this. It's like cricket, there's something there, right? Right? Rugby, there's something there. People are digging it. And if you're not into NASCAR, just all I got to do is give it a chance. Last 10 minutes. That's it? Last 10 minutes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And once you get into the last 10 minutes, you're going to go, maybe I'll read the whole book.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Maybe I'll read the whole book. Maybe I'll start it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
But there's a story for the whole season.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. And you watch one guy and another guy not get along in this race. You're like, oh, shit. What's happening in Bristol? Right. Okay. This is going to be fun. Talladega's next. Here we go. This is going to be a blast. Build the promos. And by the way, hang on. Stop right there. If you're like me and you like to eventize life. Go to a race. Take a little cash, stash it away, and go to a race.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Go to a race and enjoy the festival that is NASCAR. And if you don't have the money to afford Talladega or Bristol, go to, what's our place? Irwindale. Irwindale. It's closed, but don't go to Irwindale. Sorry. Go to your local short track. Go to your local short track and watch Young Kids Race. Tickets are $10. Cold beers are $5. You're going to have the greatest time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's the funnest people in the world. And I'll tell you, it's been an absolute pleasure to have you guys on my podcast. I appreciate that. It was excellent, so nice job. Very good. And everyone can find you on Instagram. Your Instagram is awesome. Tell everyone where to find your Instagram.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That's right. And your food takes are always hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
You always got a hot food take.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It tastes good. It tastes good. And you drive for NASCAR. Do you want to tell them where they can find you, what number you are?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
All right, so this will go out. I will be out of town. So this will be Talladega? Talladega. So what's the sickest parlay you can do in racing? What's the what? You pick, it's just got to be like horse racing, right? You pick first, second, third. Yeah. Finish.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, no, no. I'm looking for a straight trifecta. I'm thinking it's like horse racing, so I can pick number one, two, and three. Sure, pick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Go you number one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
No, I know. Hey, I don't drink for a buzz. I drink to party. Okay? I don't gamble. I don't gamble for money. I gamble for the feeling where your heart skips away from you. You feel like you had a child.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And you're good. By the way, is this racketeering if I go, if I pick you and the other two guys and then you're like, hold on, I'll rub him out and Bert will hit $1,000. So wait, I give you to win.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I want to say his name, but I'm afraid to say names.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Then that's perfect.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Kyle, Austin, Justin. See, we're like... That's my trifecta straight. We're in sync. Thank you guys for doing this. Absolutely. Hey, last question. Is it possible for me to draft people on the interstate?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
How do I do it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Hmm. I'll be trying that today.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Cheers. Thank you guys for doing this. This is awesome. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah, everybody was trying to figure out what the code word was. Is there a radio feed that fans can listen to your feed? Yeah, they can tap right in, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I've seen clips of yours where I'm like, I wonder what he's saying. I wonder what they're yelling at each other. Yeah, trust me. That dude got out of his car one time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
The hardest I ever laughed is, I don't know the guy's name, so I apologize if I see him. Don't worry about it. You and him get into a fight or whatever, and he parks his car, and then he gets out of his car, and he comes over to you, and you just drive away, and his car runs into the wall. Kevin Harvick. Yeah. Just so you know, Kevin, I'm you, okay?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So he said, I would love a cocktail. Would you like a cocktail?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I'm the guy that's like, that doesn't, I'm kicking ass. Where the fuck did everyone go?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Who are your favorite all-time drivers, old school drivers? It's got to be Dale Earnhardt. It's got to be in there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Okay, good, good, good. I just...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I will never say no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
So before you even did. But it seemed like wrestling back then was like, it seemed like an attitude era, you know? Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Yeah. I mean, it's changed. It just seems, it doesn't seem, even now, I mean, you've dialed back, I feel like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Oh, I love it. I love that part of sports because you forget. I've never understood people. I'm not a competitive person in stand-up. But I do understand competition. And if you get me into a physical competition, I get very competitive. I get very, very, very competitive. Anything physical, anything ability. Stand-up's so subjective, I can't imagine being competitive with my friends.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And we're all friends. But I can't understand when people don't understand competition. When they don't understand the competitiveness. Kelly Slater is one of the most competitive motherfuckers in the world. And I respect him for that. Tiger Woods is crazy competitive. Michael Jordan, the king of being competitive. You are one of the most competitive motherfuckers out there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Red Bulls. Rebels. What's a Rebel? Rebel bourbon, baby. I got your bourbon right here. Yeah. I got your bourbon right here that you signed. Yeah, I love this. So he says, just watch the last 10 minutes. Is that the best way to introduce a newbie to NASCAR? Yeah, because you want to keep going over the... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Was your dad like Earl Woods, kind of like a stage dad? Like, we're going to get you into this NASCAR stuff.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
How much older is Kurt? He's six years older, six, seven years older.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
I saw a picture of you guys one time. And I said, they look like they drive NASCAR. Your dad looks like he watches NASCAR. Your dad's like authentic, like, what is it called, Leanne? Old school cool. Old school, yeah, like fucking long mustache.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
It's a lost cause. It's a vibe. Hey! Passion begets passion. I learned that a very long time ago. We talked about this with NASCAR very early. That's right. I trashed NASCAR to my buddy Elliot, right? My buddy Elliot, Elliot in the morning, biggest radio show in the Metro DC, Maryland area. I mean, just huge. And I was just making jokes, you know? Oh, all you gotta do is take a left or whatever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
He does, kind of.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
All right, buckle up, buttercup. NASCAR is back and going down at Talladega. The baddest, fastest, most unhinged track on the planet. This place is 2.5 miles of pure insanity. Drivers basically play high-speed bumper cars at 200 miles per hour for over 500 miles. My guy, Kyle Busch, has won here twice, which basically makes him a wizard because no one escapes Talladega without a few battle scars.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And by battle scars, I mean dodging the big ones like fucking... like a fast and furious movie. NASCAR is so much fun. If you have not yet, and I talked to Kyle Busch about this, have you have not yet gotten into NASCAR and you're thinking, I don't know, I've never really followed it. All you got to do, watch the last 10 minutes. Watch the last 10 minutes of Talladega and you will get hooked.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And then once you do that a couple of times, you're going to go, wow, maybe I should read the beginning of the book too. And it is awesome. I will be, I'm going to be at some NASCAR events this year. I'm not, I can't tell you when we haven't announced them, but I am definitely watching Talladega. It is all happening. Sunday, April 27th at 3 p.m. Eastern on Fox.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
And trust me, you won't want to miss this ride. When I started this show, it seemed like I had to figure it all out on my own. I mean, honestly, just starting with scheduling and then a logo and then a website, the setup, the merch. It was overwhelming. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything can be such a game changer for millions of businesses.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
That tool is Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. From household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands that are just getting started. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand's
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Accelerate your content creation. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance your product's photography. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create emails and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling and or strolling. Better yet,
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. I remember Leanne set this all up on her own. When we lived back in our old house, Leanne did all of this her own. She was so proud. Let me tell you something.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
If Leanne can do this, you can do this. Turn your big business idea into a cha-ching. with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash burning. Go to shopify.com slash burning, shopify.com slash burning. I'm always fascinated. We go to, what's the name of the Speedway we go to, Leanne? It's Irwindale. Irwindale?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Irwindale, just shut down, yeah. Yeah, it just shut down a couple weeks ago, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: It’s Racin’ Season With Kyle + Samantha Busch | S5 E09
Okay. San Bernardino, Orange Show over there. So my wife's a fucking, my wife's a, what do they call people that are into cars? Not a lug head, but like a... A gear head? Gear head, my wife's a gear head. Yeah? Yeah, I couldn't change a tire. So do we need to switch? Yeah, maybe. By the way, she should be here because she's... Should you just be cooking?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
What's up, everybody? I've got some shows coming up. February 8th in New Orleans at the UNO Lakefront Arena for the big game. That's Saturday night, not Sunday night. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil, and huge surprise guests. Then in Vegas in March, 21st and 22nd at Resorts World Theater. And finally, oh, Canada. I'm coming to you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Venmo guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Everything. Everything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, I just noticed shit. No, you're in it. I'm in it? You're in it. You're in the documentary. For what? You're in the documentary because you're talking shit about him on Rogan. Me? Yeah. I wasn't on Rogan. You're in it. Different black guy. No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, no, no, no, no. It's Bryan Simpson. It's Bryan Simpson. I know, no, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, no, I know, no, I know. No, no, no, no, they, come on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
They're both sturdy, they're both darker.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I'm sorry, I thought you were Brian Simpson. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You know what I mean?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Hang on. You guys, like, from behind, it would be... Exactly.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You go, is that Bryan Simpson, or is that... Right. I think I'm... They're both big dudes. He's a larger human being. Yeah, I'm large.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's anybody. I get it. I get it. I get it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Michelle Yeoh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I think that's badass.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You're not good at this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, no, I got... Kylie said to me today, she goes, you look skinny. Like, your legs are so skinny. And I went, it's not the compliment. Yeah, yeah. Your legs have gotten really small. Do you use them at all? That's so funny. I thought your legs would be bigger because you're so fat.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I wish we did more of that. I wish we did more North Korean shit in here. Like, I was talking to Tommy about it. I want, like, five options of clothes. That's it. I don't like all the wild clothes options. Like, I think you should have five pairs of shoes you can buy, five pairs of pants you can buy, five pairs of shirts, five hats, and that's it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I did. Well, I got shocked that Tommy is all over it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Do you think Hitler would be shocked at how beautiful mixed children are? He would be very upset. Do you think Hitler would be sitting there going, like, man, I was wrong.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Can you believe if you took our best and their best, you get that? That's crazy. We should have let Hitler live just long enough to be like, a gay as fuck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. Yeah. Me either.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Who do you think was on this planet first? Asians or black people? Black people for sure. When do you think whites showed up?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
There was a movie called The Mexican, but it was with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. Yeah. It was about a guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You know?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
This is like fucking the riots.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
What do you think is harder, okay?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, but being Korean with parents or being black with your friends? Who holds you to a higher standard, black friends or Korean parents? That's a great fucking question.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Get all your dog eating in now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Wait, what does dog taste like?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I think chinchilla is close to hamster because I was nervous because I'm allergic to hamsters. I'm allergic to gerbils. How the fuck are you allergic to chinchilla? No, if Leanne one time petted a gerbil, washed her hands. Oh, like that. And then got in our truck and drove home. I got in our truck to go pick my sister up at the airport and I touched my eyes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
The inner membrane of my eye swells over my eye and my tears burn my face. I'm so allergic to gerbils. It is insane. How did you find out it was gerbils? I literally got, I called Leanna. Well, I knew I was allergic to gerbils.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It was gay dick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Fucking Jesus Christ.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You know no facts. You're right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I just tell the story to get through it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You don't know anything about what you're saying.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's insane. I'm like Brian Williams. I just need you to feel the thing. Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's all good, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Brian Simpson was adopted also. Well, he was. He was? Yeah, 100%. Wow. Are you good at meeting girls' parents? Am I? Yeah. That's like... The best. Yeah, because you had to meet, like, a family.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
But what I'm saying is that you would... That you would think that he would be on top like this. I know. And there's like nine white chicks holding him. That's what I'm saying.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, like it's Hanukkah. He's the candelabra.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I can't wait. Did that just slide by? I don't know anything about cheerleading because I'm a man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Hey, do we have a straighter, Stace? Hey, man, what the fuck you doing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Here's a question.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. Here's the question. So they're talking about these firefighters. And you see the lesbian one. I don't want to say it like that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
He said dyke. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
He called her a dyke. I'm very progressive. Yes. There's three lesbian ones. And the top lesbian one is the best. She's good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, the top one, our fire chief, is fucking awesome. She's great. OK. She qualified. Is that the one that got fired? No. OK. The bottom one is the one that's like, she's like, her job is like equity partner or something. It's like to bring in more lesbians or whatever. And they ask her, they go, what if you had to carry a man out of the burning building?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
She goes, well, then I'd say to that man, he got himself into a bad place. But here's the question, which is, it's fine. It's fine. By the way, she's probably just in an office making sure, like looking at resumes and going, does this look like a person of equity or whatever? The person or whatever. I don't know what the fuck you call it. I don't do that. I don't do that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Listen, I casually just have my friends of color over. And so and so. But here's the point. This is what my this is what I was obsessed with. And Bobby brought it up. I did. You made me think of this. What did I do? Could I get a man out of a burning building? You benched 315, yes, you could. Yeah. Bobby, you're a man. Do you think you can get Chapelle? But also, that's dead weight.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Do you think, dead weight, do you think you can get Chapelle off the ground and out of this kitchen? Give me a different person. Fuck you. Michael Yeo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Okay, would you lay here and see if Bobby can get you off the ground?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I'm your partner. Oh, you are? Yeah, come on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's a dealer's choice. It's a dealer's choice. Come on. Let's walk in, okay? Yeah, yeah. All right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Okay, Bobby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I didn't believe that was gonna work. Why didn't we think of that? We were trying to pick each other up earlier. You could just drag him out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
All right, hey.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
OK, bye. Thank you for stopping by.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Congrats on the special. Congrats on the special. All right, here we go. You guys ready? What kind of food is it? Bobby, I am making a lasagna casserole. I am so excited for this. Oh, look at that. This is going to be so... Did you wash your hands? Yes, I did. I'll do it right. I'm amazed at how many people care about washing hands.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Winnipeg, Halifax, Calgary, and Vancouver. It's me, Whitney Cummings, Miss Pat, and Derek Stroop. Go to burpburpburp.com for all of them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I did it to me, too. Bobby, would you like soy sauce on this? Yeah, I would. Thank you. Would you like any barbecue sauce? Like, I can cover it in Kool-Aid. Thank you, thank you. Cover it in Kool-Aid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Wait, both of you, stop. I'm going to have to start drinking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You can't eat this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
And that was my first experience with Bobby Lee. It's 2025, and a new year means new opportunities. For a lot of you out there, I know you've been thinking about one thing over the holidays, and that's starting your own business. But you have so many questions. How do I get started? How do I come up with a brand? How do I sell stuff to people? How am I even going to sell? Take a deep breath.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Shopify's got you covered. How do I know? Because I had the same questions when I started my online business. And here's what I've learned. Shopify makes it simple to create your brand, open for business, and get your first sale. Get your store up and running easily with thousands of customized templates, no coding or design skills required at all. All you need to do is drag and drop.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Shopify makes it easy to manage your growing business. They help you with the details like shipping taxes and payments from one simple dashboard, allowing you to focus on the important stuff like growing your business. I remember when we started our business, I can almost tell you the day we started our business because the first thing we sold was machine shirts. Leanne created all of it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Leanne did it all herself. And I remember her so excited because we didn't have any money at the time. And she was like, she's like, oh my God, look how much money we made in one week. It was like from when we did it until the weekend. And it was so exciting. Share that excitement with me. Start your business. Established in 2025. has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Do you really? No. Hey, guys, Michael Yeo's coming down. You want to say hi? No, really? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash burning, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash burning to start selling with Shopify today. That's shopify.com slash burning. This show is sponsored by DraftKings. Super Bowl 59 is right around the corner, and it's the perfect time to get in on all the action with my partners at DraftKings Sportsbook right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, he's with...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Let me tell you something. The big game is definitely the game to gamble on. It is a no-brainer. It makes it so much fun. It's so eventized. All the friends are over. All the family's over. And you're having a blast. And you got a little extra riding on it. Your heart's racing. Trust me. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
New customers use my promo code BURNING and bet just $5 on any wager and get $200 in bonus bets instantly. That's promo code burning only at DraftKings Sportsbook.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I don't remember my first experience with Bobby Lee. Was it at a spa? I wish it was that good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Fuck yeah. Those are the stories I fucking wish I had more of. Thank you, Bert.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yes. Sorry.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You thinking about would you do Ozempic?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
That looks fucking good. We'll make some smashed cheese. Whatchamacallits?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, these are going to be easy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I love it, I love it. Bobby, can you make me smashed potatoes?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Okay. Excuse me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, no, smashed.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, no, hang on one sec. Let's slow it down. So, what do you do?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's instinct?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Just put them all on there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Kind of. That's it? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I've never seen someone put their fingers in their mouth before. Until now, I put all the butter on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It is? I would throw it in the oven. I think it's good. Where's the oven? I would put it on a tray just in case it drips. Okay, so. See some fingernail holes in there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I'll tell you what, we'll do a competition. I'll make mine. Yeah, you make yours? Yeah, that looks fun. I'll make mine and we'll see which ones work out better.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
More than enough.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, it's not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
He does a lot, as a matter of fact.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
He's Korean.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You got to cut that part out. When I said it was true, in a weird way, it would be worse.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Oh, hi-ho's fucking great. What do you eat the most of?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You said things about me. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. You said this. What's the most popular name in Korea? Kim?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Wait, what's your Korean name?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It says Robert? Yeah. And then what did your parents just go, just so you know, between us, it's Lee Sung-woo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Let's break you. Why do you do that? Well, do what? Let's break him up with homophobia.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Asian strength. Leigh-Anne, what do you think's tougher, judgment-wise, Korean parents or black friends? Is it harder being a black guy with your black friends or a Korean child with Korean parents? Like, will they hold you to a standard? Also, my black friends are different. Your black friends are very different.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It'll be tougher for you to outlive that clip than me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
That might be the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
That's pretty gay. That's pretty gay. Oh, y'all going to do that to me? The straightest thing is to kiss a dude.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. And did gay guys cheer? Yeah, it's like 90% gay. For real? I always thought it was like buff dudes. I always thought it was just solid dudes that wanted to grab ass.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. Some gay dudes. My favorite cheerleaders for the Rams are the dudes. That's who I watch. Pause.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You can have that. No, because here's the deal. To be a female cheerleader, if you're hot, you're already five steps in, right? Yeah. To be a dude, you got to bring it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
And so they couldn't represent? Yeah, they're like, yo, white boy. You know what I mean? Typical shit. Dude, I'm telling you, I think it might be tougher to be black than Korean. It's tough.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You see me in the gold chain and the Goo Goo Dolls shirt? Yeah, what's that? Killing it. I'm great. I met that guy, Trent. Trent? Johnny Resnick. Johnny Resnick. Johnny Resnick. Bro, you're not allowed to fucking drop. Just say you met the guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I would argue they're white.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I met that guy, Trent. Johnny Resnick. Yeah. Who's Trent? I'm thinking of Trent Reznor. You're thinking of Trent Reznor. I see how you got there because of the Rez. I'm not going to lie to you, Bobby. You're going to have a tough competition. Mine look good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's all wrapped up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I think yours is like a surprise. Okay, good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Oh, that might be one of my favorite things we've ever done on this show. Oh, gosh. Let's see how everything's looking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Ooh. Ooh, here we go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
This is looking really fucking good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Get the fuck out of here. So, by the way, I want to do a test.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that Leigh-Anne got really concerned. She got really concerned.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
That's like the last thing you're supposed to do with him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I knew that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You're very nice. Bobby, I love you. You know you're one of my favorites.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. Top five nicest comedians.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Bobby Lee. No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Uh-uh. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Daniel Toss is a sweetheart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
There we go. Yeah, let's see. There we are. Ooh. There we are. Ooh. Hello. There it is. It's not going to be bad. It's going to be great, dude. You'll see. Look at that. Yeah, look at that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I gotta be honest with you. It smells really fucking good. It smells so good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I'm gonna try a bite.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I just love black people. That's all. I had a joke about touching cops' faces. And Patrice, I was with Patrice when I wrote it. I touched a flight attendant's face in front of Patrice. She was about to cut me off, and I just went, shh. and put my finger on her lips. And Patrice lost his mind. He was like, that is, he goes, you don't ever touch a person's face. He's like, you take their power.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Put the Poroso's branding in front. If he kisses you, I really want to get this viral.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, no, no. No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's fork.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
By the way, you're lucky he poured ball water on yours. And I switched it. I made him switch it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Ball water. Mm. Mm. Mine's fucking good. Very good. Yeah. I keep thinking that we need to do something in Hollywood with comedy were like the old school Friars Club. It was like everyone's- Yeah, okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
And he couldn't let it go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Like a club. What if we bought a bar? Yeah. All the comics bought a bar, and that bar was there for us all the time. Like a little lounge. Yeah, like a lounge. And you could go there. We all had a key to get in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, but then sometimes you go in and someone brings in someone you don't want to hang out with and you're like... Oh, like you want exclusive.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Oh, yeah, me too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, of course.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I used to have a joke about that too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Let's make the list right now and we'll bleep all the names, okay?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Okay. All right, ready? We can just do yes or no. No, A or nay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. It's real shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Wait, hold on. No one's going to be able to read yours. It doesn't matter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Okay, go ahead.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Hold on. Yay. Yay!
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Give us a good, solid yay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yay. Yay. Yay. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
We know the yays.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
All right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, I love it. Okay. How about... You ready for this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Nay. What? Is that weird?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Any San Francisco guys? Yay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Is he really? Oh, yeah, that's right. Yay? Yay. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yay. OK. OK, let's talk about, so New York comics are going to want to come in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. Yay. Yay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Okay. Yay. It would be fun to dangle a nay in front of him to watch him work for the yay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
He's not. But it would be fun to fuck with his nay. He's going to drug us. Now they know who we're talking about.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, leave that stuff in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
OK. Let's find people in the middle. OK, hold on. Ready? Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I don't know. I do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I know, but like, here's the thing. Sometimes you don't want to deal with, like, energy. Yeah, y'all ain't named no black people yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, OK. Yeah. Yeah. I got one. Yeah. I got one. I'm going to say yay. Yay. Yay. OK, yay. Yay. Now we're just doing black people. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
This is good. Yeah, yeah. Oh, OK. You've got one. This is a good one. Give me a good one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yay or nay?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Oh, I can't deal with that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
This is probably my favorite conversation I've ever had.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
So I'll throw in my name, right? Hang on, one second. Hang on. You've got to set the scenario up right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
He'd be fun. And he's smaller than I am, so I could accommodate him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Matt Rife, let's go. But see, once again, I'm the top, and I'm like, and I don't want to have to provide for him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Matt Rife's bottomed.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I admit that I'm bottomed. You know why? I'm lazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, I understand. You, Matt Rife, and Daniel Tosh are all bottoms. I just want to be on the same like this. That I would have to do all the fucking hard work for. I can't imagine Matt Rife's early up in the morning. He's like, hey, I already chopped all the wood, and I got us fish.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
This is the perfect question. We're asking, who holds you to a higher standard? Black friends being a black guy or Korean parents being Korean?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Don't rephrase what you said.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You would ask him, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
And you know her.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I have to say this, I have to say this. I have to say this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Dude, yeah, what am I sitting here thinking? I'm going to fucking lose my virginity to Matt Rife. Yeah, yeah. I want to lose it to a dude who's done it before.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Dimitri Martin.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
A dude who's done it before.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Dimitri Martin? Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, but he'd be... He's so tender. He'd draw a little drawing. He's like, this is what we're going to do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, yeah. It's exciting.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I'm already going to put salt on it. Might be hot. You ready?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Damn. Mm. Mm. I will say the meat is perfect.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
The meat is perfect. That's really good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Real quick, let me get some chopsticks and some barbecue sauce, and we should be good. Do you have chopsticks, actually? Thank you. Sure. Here you are, just one. That's a straw. By the way, this is really fucking good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's in the face, though. The disappointment. Asian disappointment look is worse than black guy, you're doing gay shit look.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Of course. He grew up like that. Damn. That's when, like, people are shocked jelly rolls are good at basketball. They're like, I went to prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course it's good at basketball. Really good. Damn. Ooh. Ooh. This is good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
This is really good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I am fucking shocked.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I am too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Damn. Just regular ground beef? So it's 80-20. And then I put three eggs in three pounds with breadcrumbs, garlic, cumin, salt and pepper. So I wanted it to taste like a meatball.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
So with those epic, do you feel like you're done, like you get done before you're done? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
It's truth, though. It's heartbreaking, because you know what's crazy, Bobby? What? It's like I read a lot of negative stuff about you online. And I always think, not my buddy. Not my guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
You're wrong. You don't know him. You don't know him. I do read a lot. That was a joke. I read negative stuff about Tommy sometimes, and I get fucking livid. And I go, you don't even know that guy. He's way worse.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, I don't. You know, can I tell you what's crazy? Swear to God, and I'm not stretching the truth here at all. I have not been on Instagram in over 24 hours. Wow. But I'll tell you what's crazy is now five times, five times, I've just gotten on my phone and been like this, like... And then Ben, Instagram, and then go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, I just do it instinctually.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I do it instinctually. And I'll tell you, this is the other thing, is that every day when we get here at around 5 o'clock, 5.30, I go, are we making a drink or what? Like, what are we going to smoke a joint? What are we going to make a drink? What are we doing? Yesterday, 6.30 at night, and I had no impulse to drink at all. I didn't have any anxiety. And I think Instagram gives me anxiety.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
That's fair. And I'll tell you the thing I saw. And this is the first thing I saw online. Yesterday, I got online one time, and I didn't realize I was online. I just got my hair cut. I'm getting ready to go to dinner with Leanne. I'm sitting in the living room, and I'm like, just get on my phone, looking at news, and then all of a sudden, just get on Instagram instantly.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
And Logan Paul's partner, Mike, it was his birthday.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, not his, yes. Yeah. And I just... I started scrolling his pictures. And then a weird way, I was like, God damn it, man. I wish I was fucking 40 again. I got almost depressed. I wish I was 40 again. God, he's going to have such a great time. Man, I'm fucking excited. I should leave a comment. And I was like, nah, don't leave a comment. Because then what if people are like, hey, fuck Bert.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
And you know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, but part of me. And then I went, oh my god, what am I doing? I go, I'm online. And then I thought about all the shit I just thought from seeing that it was Mike's birthday. And I went, that's unhealthy and that's not me. That shouldn't be me. I got to get offline. And I got back offline. Didn't get on Instagram. This morning, four times when I woke up, I got on it and I went, what the fuck?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Like, I just didn't even need- You just want to get off of it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
At a certain point, I remember the time in my career where everything was positive. Me too. And I remember that, and I was like, nice, killing it. And I remember getting the first negative thing and being like, what the fuck is this idiot? And then I got the second one, and I was like, two idiots? And then the third one, I was like, okay, this might be a trend. And then you start realizing...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
If you're all over the fucking algorithm, people are going to start hating you. If you just show up in everyone's feed, you're going to, at a certain point, they're going to pick apart the thing you do and go, so this is just a fucking, so he just takes his shirt off? I've seen five pictures of him just taking his shirt off. That's all this fucking guy does. He's a big drunk.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
He's a drunk who takes his shirt off and he has one story. And you're like, no, to me, I go, that's not who I am. But if you're just seeing the algorithm and that's the thing that keeps showing up, some kid in fucking Oklahoma is like, fuck this guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yes. Guys, that was a great episode. Chappelle, do you want to have any closing remarks? I need to get the fuck out of here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
This episode was brought to you by the machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, Rob Lowe canceled.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I have no problem with gay shit. Gay shit in white communities, gay shit is like the funniest you can get. Like if you, I put my dick and balls in a champagne glass one time, or wine glass, wine glass. Who's that for? Tom Segura. And I just went, cocktail? And I've never seen him laugh harder in his entire life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
When you take your dick out, you don't think it's funny? No. Look, look, look. OK.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
There you go. Yeah, yeah, soy sauce. Soy sauce.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Can I have all of that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Just do it. Just do it. Yeah, just for fun. For comedy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I'll look at it. I'll look at it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
When we did the cabin, the first thing we did is I was naked getting a picture in front of... It's the picture hanging in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Bobby walked in without a word, even eye contact, asking for approval. He got totally naked and laid in my lap right in front of me. And we did not flinch. Donnell Rollins walked in and walked right out. And he was like, fuck this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
I think the second we can guess the new comedy, the African-American community cool with homosexual jokes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, not making fun of them, but like...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, we're really cool with jokes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Yeah, yeah. It's straight. I mean, it made me and my friends laugh hard as shit all through. Taking a dick out is the funniest thing, especially when you don't expect it. And it's like, and I go, I know you're not allowed to do it at work, but... But, like, I mean, I was like, my go-to move in college is just take your dick out. That's so weird.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
No, I'd be shocked. North Korean. The thing I like about Korea is in North Korea, you only got five haircuts you can pick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Kissing and Making Up with Bobby Lee + Shapel Lacey | S4 E21
Leanne and I were at home last night. She goes, I'm going up to watch Michael Yeo's special. She goes, you want to come? I said, I'll be up in a second. And I got stuck on this fucking documentary about this guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to extend his life and not die. Oh, wait.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
The Permission to Party World Tour kicks off September 18th in Rockford, Illinois. The 19th in Milwaukee. The 20th in St. Paul, Minnesota. The 21st in Duluth, Minnesota. Followed by Eugene, Oregon, September 28th. Avoid scalpers and go to BurtBurtBurt.com to get your lowest ticket price. Thank you, Burt. I remember the first time I realized that I was going to measure my dick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And that song connected with me, and I felt like that's where I was at that moment. Now, it's silly for a kid to say, like, they know it from Shrek, but it wasn't in Shrek yet. And I listened to it, and I felt that's where I was at that moment, and I told him that. And he kind of giggled, and he was like, yeah, whatever. And then once, it had already been in Shrek when I told him that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I was like, oh, I wish he had taken the compliment the way I meant it, because I felt like it was weird.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
100%.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I guess because I'm ironic. I mean, I said this with love, but look at Creed. Yeah. Look at him. One of the most mockable bands of all time. Ten years ago.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Four years ago. And by the way, five years ago, I was giving mad love to Scott Stapp. Good. And the whole band. I think Higher still to this day is my go-to song.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It's a masterpiece.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And then all of a sudden, the winds shift, and no one smells the stink anymore. They just smell fresh wind. That's right. Six feet, whatever the fucking line is, it's everywhere. That's right. And now they're selling stadiums.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Look at Limp Bizkit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Limp Bizkit. Once again, fucking, look, I told you, you're my guys, right? There was a moment when I moved to New York to start stand-up, and everything you guys were doing was on MTV. It was in my ears. It was when you buy discs. It was so much fun. It was so much better than that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Probably not. I am certain. I would love to see your fucking body count. I bet. Wild pussy. I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine. I bet there's pussy you forgot about that would be the one for me that I would have been like, I'll cut it off. I swear to God. You're the last one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I disagree, too. I'm still here, man. The fucking Two Frosty the Snowmen's over here with high car. By the way, I'm still in my peak, and I'm fucking, I look like shit. What? I'm still doing fucking arenas when I look like shit. Fucking you, I don't know what fucking pill you take, but I want that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
What do you call the thing you put on your head in winter years? A toque, sir. What do you call it? A beanie. T-O-Q-U-E.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Imagine doing something really hard for four straight hours. Now, imagine doing that at 190 miles per hour, sweating your face off and slamming energy drinks between turns. That is the Coca-Cola 600, NASCAR's ultimate endurance test, going down in Charlotte this Sunday. It's also the first race on Amazon Prime.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So now you can pre-order your paper towels and watch the high-octane racing at the same time. Big win. Bonus. Bonus? The pre-race ceremony. An epic tribute to our military. That's the culmination of the annual NASCAR salutes together with Coca-Cola campaign. It's going to hit you right in the feels. And you know I'll be crying. I will be crying because I will be there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I am going to be in Charlotte for the Coca-Cola 600 in the infield. I cannot wait. Catch the race on Sunday, May 25th at 6 p.m. A nighttime race. 6 p.m. Eastern on Prime. And trust me, bring snacks. It's going to be a long one. Have you been looking for a natural way to relieve aches and discomfort? Oh my God, man. When I sleep, my shoulder seizes up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Once you go over that threshold. It's like giving liver enzyme reports.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
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Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
My arm, which I had frozen shoulder, and I don't know, I mean, I think it's from all the weightlifting I do. But it's gone. It's totally gone. I have a little bit of pain in my elbow, but that's it. But I can feel it leaving. I guarantee you it's because of the CBD. Right now, Something's Burning listeners can save 30% on their first order.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Just head to cornbreadhemp.com slash burning and use code burning at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com slash burning and use code burning. I bet y'all's touring stories are fucking crazy. Our touring stories as comics kind of suck. Really? Especially mine, because I'm married.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, yeah, yeah. We got stuck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, but I'm married, so I had a chick. This is my best touring story, and it doesn't even involve me getting pussy. I had a chick sneak onto my bus, first tour I did, Body Shots World Tour, and she snuck in and went to my room. So I go to my room, she's kinda hot, I'm not gonna lie. I'm looking for my wife. But my cousin's on the tour and my friends are on the tour. They know me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Grab a tape measurer real quick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I just said, listen, I'm not saying that if I was the only one on the bus, something would happen. I'm just saying, I said, listen, this can't happen. I'm so sorry. I'm married. You should know that by watching my act. We're going to take you, drop you off. We'll get you an Uber and we'll get you home. But this isn't going to happen. And my tour bus driver, Ron... We drop her off.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
She's leaving the bus, the fucking huge travel station that you pull over before you get on the road and go hit the road. And he goes, he's confused. Black dude, he goes, Bert? Can I tell you why you're a man of good fortune? I said, why is that, Ron? And he goes, because you just said no to that sweet pussy. I said, Ron, it's not that difficult.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, shoot. Yeah, I push it all the way to the base.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And he turns around and he goes, man, this job fucked up my first marriage. I go, you're just a bus driver, Ron. And he goes, you'd be shocked what a bitch will do for a Nelly headband. I was like, all right, that's my road experience.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
A Nelly headband.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He toured with Nelly. And by the way, you know he's toured with everyone. Yeah. And I bet you've toured with him. If you've ever had an opinionated black man that wants to pull a gun on you, that's wrong.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I always say, honest, six and a half, seven on the cough. Thank you, Stacy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, yeah. He just drove me to Vegas.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I can, I can. And do you? No, I do not. I have. I have. One time, Ron came back to my bus, my bunk, and the bus was going. And he goes, I need you to drive. And we're driving.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I went, hold on, who's driving right now? He goes, Parfait, but I need you to drive it. So I go up. Our assistant Parfait was driving. So I got behind the wheel while Ron pissed. I'm sure you've driven a bus on the road like that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I did that. They're in here. The first one?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No. It's crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So let's real quick. Hard? Yeah, rock hard.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Of all time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, soft? So I did it for a TV show. I did both. I did it for a TV show, soft, and it was, they measured it in centimeters.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah. Ron would break off. He'd be like, let me tell you about 50 Cent. And I'd be like, I don't know if I need to know this story. I'm going to hear it. He's like, 50 Cent. If you're not there for bus call, he fucking leaves you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, oh, I... No, we do it too. If you're not five minutes early, Bert, we're leaving. Oh, I wait for everybody. I wait for everybody.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, 311.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Okay, I know that guy, the guy that would start off.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Well, it's been one week. He's dead? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It was called Hurt Bird. It was such a good show that no one ever saw.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
By the way, the most important part of the conversation is Stacey and I are figuring out burners.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You know what sucks? You know what sucks is... that part of the business.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, I am. I am. Actually, I want everyone to know that I am bitter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, no, no, no, no. For my part of it. What are you bitter about? Them? No, no, no. What are you bitter about? Your experience. What happened to you has happened to all of us.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Centimeters. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And there's a couple dudes in my life where I've had to say to them, hey, man, you can't fuck with me like that. Like, meaning like. Managers?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Best friends. Best friends. Who would fucking do that to you? Yeah. Are you guys clean now? We're clean now, but are we? No, because there's a giant chasm. Because when you make more money than someone else or you break someone's attendance records, then they go, so what the fuck?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
FX.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Here's what fucks me up. When you're a fan of someone and you blow them up and you blow up their spot and every time they do big things, you post it and you go, this is my guy, this is my guy. And when you find out someone's rooting for your failure... In a business where failure is happening, it's going to happen. It's going to happen. It's heartbreaking, and it's heartbreaking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You were really famous. Yes. You were having a moment in life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I just had a conversation in my workout this morning about a friend of mine who's like, I really hope he fails. And I went, why would you? I've only rooted for your success. I've only rooted for you to win. I'm my best friend. I said... Tom Segura and I are two people who we have said to each other, ride or die, we're with each other forever, and I want you to blow up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
When I did my movie, he goes, please set up the next 30 years of our lives. I mean, that's the way you should talk to a friend. So sweet, of course, man. But not everyone's like that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I know. It's awful. You'd sit on a treadmill on the phone with your lawyer and go, fuck that guy. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck, I will fuck his mother. Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
98, 99.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You think two?
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Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Well said.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So Chappelle invites me out to his house to do a show. You say Chappelle? Chappelle, yeah, Dave. Chappelle Rowan? Chappelle Rowan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Just edit out the first two Chappelle's and then play the next Chappelle. Just cut. And there. This is like the best closure you could ever have, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Eclipse.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah. And he says, we see each other for the first time in fucking years. And it was bad. It was really bad. And, you know, we apologize. We talk or whatever. You know, apologies are weird. So you're like, okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah. And his bodyguard comes up to me and he goes, is it over? And I went, huh? He goes, you went, is it over? I said, yeah. And he goes, it's all he talks about. Wow. That's closure. When I go, because it's all I thought about. It's this guy that I fucking loved. I was like a brother. How could you not? And then you go, god damn it, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And when he said that, I went, thank God that he was as bothered by it. That's the thing is you go, it's the fucking dead inside people that just don't give a fuck about anyone's emotions. And they go, it's business. And you're like, no, it's not. It really is not. It's not. It's like when you write a song, I'm always blown away by people that think it's easy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah. Oh, Napster fucked everything up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Napster fucked everything up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So there's, so like, yeah, there's obviously there's guys that, like Jim Gaffigan. Yeah. You kind of know the parameters he's going to be within when he does this set. You know, we're not going to hear fuck a lot, and we're not going to hear abortion. You're going to hear the lady's voice now? Yeah, and you're going to hear maybe some food stuff and some parenting stuff.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And so I think that's maybe a little bit what he's talking about. When you see Seinfeld, it's a lot of observational stuff. I may be the only comic that has a free bird. where I talk about, I tell one story every show. I do the machine every show.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
At the end of my show, I do an hour 20, and then at the end of my show, I do this 15-minute story about robbing the, you know, a train with a Russian bomb.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I know it well.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Please, I would love it. And let me sing, let me sing. I know that song. No, I can't do that one. The guitar's too complicated. I can do If I Had a Million Dollars. The apartment? But I want to change it to If I Had Ten Million Dollars and then talk about what I really would buy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That was in the early 90s, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Well, buddy, we got into a heated conversation in this room about a million dollars and what it actually buys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
By the way, you know what that is today? $2.5 million. Right. Still. This makes you sound disconnected. I know, I know, I know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You don't all have a million dollars. Must suck. I get it. You don't know what it's like to have a million dollars and have to give 70% of it to somebody.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'd rather have your 200,000. Yeah. Can I put the carrots in now?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Two shows in Vegas in March.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I can't go back to the hits because my special had already aired. It's my favorite thing in the world is to go out. with just your sword and just go like, let's see how this works.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
What the fuck do you do? I don't know, 5,000 people, so you can't do crowd work, really.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
There's people that you can do it, but no one hears it. Do you hate crowd work? No. Because I know there's a snobby, like, hey, he's funny, isn't he? I think crowd work's awesome. Crowd work's awesome. But you understand, I'm also a different generation of comic. Yeah. Crowd work for us was, and I mean this with respect. There's guys that do it great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'm not shitting on any of my friends that do it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
If you're a comic. I mean, I don't mean this respectfully. I mean this respectfully. But if you're, like, a legit comic. You can do your thing. David Tell has never had a hard time following crowd work. You think it's hacky? No. I think whatever you want to do on stage is what you want to do on stage. And I would never tell you what to do on stage.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Can I tell you, ours was the exact opposite. Yeah, exactly. So stand-up was we got paid nothing for specials. Right. And then Netflix showed up and said, how about we pay you a fair market price? And we were like, huh? It was crazy. And then you said, I'm Tom Brokaw now. I swear to God, I could end this podcast right now. That is the truest thing. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That guy, his crowd...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Can I give you another Canadian who's fucking amazing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, we've known him forever. He's a sweetheart. One of the best people at crowd work, and this is why I'll never shit on crowd work, another Canadian, Ian Bagg. Do you know who he is?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He is, when I say, so crowd work... Yeah, it can be hacky, but so can stand-up. Yeah. But, man, when you see it done well, especially as a comic, you're like, this is inspired.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It was so great, I almost fucking... A visceral reaction to the humor. He is one of those people that are just touched with the comedy gene. Everything for him is about a bit. Everything for him is about comedy. If you don't get comedy, he doesn't get you. If you don't understand, he's going to walk past you. He is just brilliant.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And his crowd work, when I was on, I had like a TV show a long time ago, and Harlan came on, and he did... I mean, the most inspired interview where it was just all stream of consciousness. And when you watch someone do something like that, you get blown away, especially when you're a comic and you're like, yo, I can't do that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Norm Macdonald was different. Next level.
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Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I mean, man, I could do this for days. I love... I love comedy. It's the thing. I don't like horror films. I like comedy. I love music.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Like, music's... The thing that, on a plane, when I get drinking... I'll just say, I love comedy, too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Me, too. For real. Me, too. For real. I love it. Who would people not expect you to love? Like, people would never expect that one of my favorite comics in the world is Janine Garofalo. I love her. I love her, too. I love her. The way she does comedy is the way that, like... Jeff Tweedy does music. It's different. It's not for everyone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
She is so, man, I don't know. Okay, let's go. Music that people don't think you like. They go, well, there's no way he likes them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And that I'm struggling with because I go, I don't deserve or belong or I don't, I absolutely, you should not listen to me talk. And you should not listen to any of my friends talk. And all my friends, all my friends, except for Joe, I still love Joe. But Tommy, Theo, Andrew, Shane, all my friends, don't listen to any of us, but you're so right, is all of a sudden we turn into journalists. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Bill Burr's a really good drummer. Tony Hinchcliffe's a great drummer. Oh, is he really? I didn't know that. Yeah. Really? Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe's a great drummer.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I don't know. I haven't seen enough of his stuff. But you know who I'm talking about. Of course I do. I've got to be honest with you. The fact that Casey Rockett's going to hear this and hear you say his name is going to blow his goddamn mind.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Is it pizza for breakfast? No, no, no, no. So great comedy is always going to be great comedy. So the thing you like about the thing is always going to be there. Here's what happens with comedy. You get famous too fast, then the audience defines what you are and you try to live up to their expectations.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
If you get to live a little longer and become a person, then your personality defines what your comedy is, and you're never curtailing it to make an audience happy. And then sometimes you get a guy like, and I'll just say this, and no disrespect to any of the Kill Tony guys, but like Cam Patterson, who he showed up knowing who he was. And that's very special.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Dave Chappelle showed up knowing who he was. I did not show up knowing who I was.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
But even still, if you had given me Last Comic Standing when I was 30, I would just be this, I'd be like, I'm the party guy. I'm the party guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I did, I did. Oh, I'll be over here. No, I got through the first round, but I would knock on it much further.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
What's so funny because you see guys like T-Pain who had the same kind of rap in Hollywood and now he's like completely owning his own thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And he just brought Kesha up on stage. I'm a music fan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
When I started this podcast, I got to be honest with you. I feel like I had to figure everything out on my own. I mean, reads, mics, scheduling, logos, a logo for the... I mean, it was like, you have no idea. I know it seems easy to start a podcast, but back then, it was super overwhelming. And every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed to be answered.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Whether you're starting off with something new, it seems like your old to-do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life. Find the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything that can be such a simple game changer. For millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US. From household names like Mattel and Gymshark. Bro, I just heard about Gymshark today. They were talking Gymshark's.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
huge in london to other brands that are just starting and getting to know look look like even maybe us over here at birdie boy productions get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates shopify helps you build beautiful online stores to match your brand style get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you easily create emails social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling and best yet
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And it's... your media creators, your content providers. Buddy, preach, because this is something I struggle with, because I didn't get into this. I really got into this just to get like fucking the fleshlights. Thank you, Rachel. Fleshlights were like, do you want something to drink? Do you drink? I've got, I've got. Okay, okay, and you're good, right? I'm going to drink, I'm going to drink.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you are ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business ideas into cha-ching with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash burning.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Go to Shopify.com slash burning. That's Shopify.com slash burning. This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts. And of course the mind blowing production and pyro the band is known for. And I am telling you, I've seen that firsthand. We saw them on tour. The whole, our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down, check out Burt cast number six 23. They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach, is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. Does it make you move? Does it make you move? Can I play? Can I play a song? Is my iPhone around? Can I play a song? So I got a song the other day. I was like, who the fuck is this? And everyone's like...
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Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I don't know. For whatever reason, I listen to black music when I'm sober.
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Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Okay, you ready?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'm going to play a song, and you may know this song, but I was like, yo, badass fucking song. Let it go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Be on an airplane, crying, crying, drinking, crying, right? Of course. Listen to it come around. Ready?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Take it tonight. Dude, can I tell you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Dude. There's no more hits. I don't think it's come out yet. I mean, I don't know. Can I tell you? I'm being dead fucking serious.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Can I tell you, dude? You have a Connie Crowe relationship? Hold on, hold on. This is where you guys are at. This is the beauty of being a grown-up. Is all of a sudden, you got, listen, you don't need, look, a million dollars doesn't last. The... It's true though, man. But the fucking, the thing. Right here, right here, right here, right here, right here, right here. There you go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Guilty as charged.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
There's a fucking million 50-year-old men sitting in their backyard with everything they wanted going, having a drink going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Is it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Buddy, this is not, this is who Bare Naked Ladies has always been. It's big time. You know that, you know that, right? Yeah. I don't mean that disrespectfully, but like that's your band for me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It's crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You realize my kids are like, Dad wouldn't stop drinking from... He'd be like, oh, Mark's here. We're fucking getting after it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, hang on. Thank you. Both of you have done that. Both of you have done that. Is that you give us a gift that's a thing that like... We're in my daughter's college town and we're looking to get her housing. It's really complicated.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And... And we had just been at a tequila bar. I had a couple drinks. And the girls were asking, a bunch of girls in the car, they were asking, who's on the podcast this week? And I play one week. And they go, oh, we know him. And then I go, well, I also have Mark McGrath. Who's Mark McGrath? I play Joy. What am I saying?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Well, yeah. You can't drive other parents' kids drunk. But keep going about the Brokaw thing because that really does... I don't think enough of us pay attention to what that means.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I play the first one. Names are bad for me. Fly. Fly. I call it Joy. And the girls go, oh, we know this song. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You get to know these guys? And I went, here's what's crazy. Your daughter said that about you? Both my daughters.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You'd be shocked who she's impressed by. You're the best.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, my God. You know Tony or what's Ricky Bravo? What's Rogan's friend? God damn it. Do I have dementia? 50s, dude. You guys need a dip more, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Is this done, Stace? Sure. Stace, is this done?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Who are we talking to?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Is that done, Stace?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, okay, okay. Pop it out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Eddie Bravo, keep going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I want to know about songwriting.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, then she learned how to choke me out. It happened quick. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I want to hear it. I'm listening. I'm listening.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Here's what I'll say. I'll put in a subset to that. A little subreddit? How about this? The majority of mediocre songwriters are better when they're 20 as opposed to 50.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You got your mojo back. I just had an epiphany. Locked in. So, like, with comics, sometimes we pop them at 20, you know, 23, 25. And I always thought a comic doesn't get good until they're, like, 40. That's what I always thought. Maybe with music, being that it was so commercialized, maybe you always... Everyone popped when they're in their 20s and their 30s. That's when you pop.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Everything he said was right. By the way, I'm really good friends with Dave Smith and obviously best friends with Joe.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Maybe you've got to take a break until you... It's like, look at, like... I want to say Dave Matthews, but Dave Matthews took a huge hit. He's so talented. And you can't deny that, but he took a huge hit. Good kisser, too. Good kisser.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
But maybe there's room for... Maybe there wasn't room when we were kids for art at 50. So our dads were all old men at that time. Maybe they're like, I know what I like. I don't want to know new things. I buy Brooks Brothers. That's what I do. And maybe there's room for art at this age where it's showing up and everyone's like, you know, this is how I feel at this age, you know?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I love them. Yeah. And I said to one of my friends, I was like, Dave Smith, I always say, is one of the smartest guys I know. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, but you only know comics. And so sometimes you go, oh, shit, what are we saying? Yeah. And this is like. But that's dangerous, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
We were driving through that town where my daughter goes to school, listening to that song, and I was just like, I was like, God damn it, man. This has always been Barenaked Ladies. This has always been that band for me. And I forgot that. One week was so goddamn big that I think people forgot. You know, it's the thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
When you get so big, people forget, yo, we're just a fucking punk band from Southern California. We're just kids. We don't give a fuck about any of this. Exactly. No, you're right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
They've got a sense of humor. It's so cool fucking hanging out with you guys. Oh, you too, bro. No, no, no, no, no. You guys have been famous way before I, like, when I was looking, when I was auditioning for MTV, who wants to be an MTV VJ?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
How far did you get? I didn't get very far.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Because I couldn't stop talking about Blind Melon.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I think he was already dead. He was. He was. He was. He died in 95. Man, I got to be honest with you. You have no idea when I say you guys are my guys. What I loved in music was where I was... getting into, like, smoking weed and watching snowboard videos and skateboard videos and drinking by myself in a bed with a chick that already passed out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I was like, I'm not good at sex, so I'm not fucking you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Me too. They're like, you've got to call me after the birthday. You've got to tell me how it is. You have no idea what a music fan I am in that I can disappear into music. Disappear in like... In my head, I would write music videos for them. When I'd hear it, I'd start creating it. And... Music's so important to me because it gets me out of my brain.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Dude, that's the baddest fucking... The stars were out in Hollywood last night.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I hope you know how cool that fucking move was.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
God Only Knows is such a badass song. Keep talking, I'm going to heat this up. It's a little cold.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Did he do VeggieTales? Did he do VeggieTales? No one knows VeggieTales. It was a joke.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, I know it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I was joking. I was joking. I was joking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, Brian Wilson's a bad motherfucker.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You really want to hear it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
What's even crazier, I'll deep dive this, and I love this, is the wilder shit I say about, say, vaccines or immigration policies right now. the more tickets you guys sell for your summer tour. That's the part that's crazy. And I mean this as a guy who's benefited from it. And I've gone on podcasts where I remember I did an episode with Rogan, and they pulled it down. And I was like, what happened?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Giving Out Spankings? Pretty nice. I just want to say... Is there merch for that? Change of mics. I just want to say, Fred Durst is very lucky. So we were doing. You were on his bumper? I was on his jam way before he was.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, I was there. That was my jam. Yeah. And I'm telling you right now, Fred Durst is very lucky. Hang on, hang on. I'm not done.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It's my jam, interrupting people. By the way, we've doubled up noodles, so I'm trying to break them apart. Yeah, man. So that we can really enjoy this noodle. Wait, that looks amazing, Bert. So I was in a band in college called Giving Out Spankings.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
We hired a guitarist who was really talented. So talented, in fact. Nuno Bettencourt. That's a funny joke. It gets worse. It gets worse. And the guy realized I was not a very talented front man. I was a front man. I wasn't a lead singer. I was a front man. And I realized he's going to kick me out of my own band.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So me and the bassist, Brent Bracken, decided to start a coup d'etat and kick him out of our band. Now, he had a stack, and he was good. So we kicked him out and he said, I'm so confused on the best guy in the band. And I said, now you're the best guy not in the band. He said, I'm going to start a band.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So much better than your band. And you're going to wish you had me in your band. I said, good luck. His name was Mark Tremonti.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Come on. It's a true story. Enjoy your dinner.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Now, I have to say this in Mark's defense, and listen, I'll say this casually to you guys. Once you become famous, your narrative's your own narrative. Whatever you want to tell people is your history. He doesn't want to say he's an attorney. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know. But we all were in a band, and he was so good. I was like, I'm getting kicked out of this band immediately. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Heat rock.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
They're chewy, bro.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I don't know, like we cooked them for half a day.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Like pre-breakout or just waiting to break out?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Pre-breakout where everyone's like, we were obsessed with how he switched tempos. We're like, he just switched his tempo. And we're like, what the fuck was that? So we never left the garage. So I guess, Mark, I guess if you're in a band, you go, did we play gigs? But like for us, if you're not the average fucking guy who played high school baseball, we go, I played baseball with dot, dot, dot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And he was like, ah, you might have said that the United States created COVID. I was like, really? I was like, I was high. There is a responsibility. There is. And by the way, I have to say this. Joe's the first guy I ever knew that was like, remember him saying to me, like, yo, people are listening to us. And I was like, huh?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And they're like, well, yeah, not in the pros.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, never left the garage.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah. Yeah. But he was in Givin' Out Spankin's. I'll tell you the beginning of the end.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Givin' Out Spankin's, the end of Givin' Out Spankin's was I walked in. Oh, God. And he was jamming with Ben Carter, our drummer, who was really good, really good. And they were playing a U2 song that I had never heard. And I said, this is good. You guys, this is good. We should record this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
They're like, really? I said, this is like, for real? This is like a hit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Nope. They said, maybe you should write lyrics to it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Tell me you didn't write lyrics. I wrote lyrics to a U2 song. To what song? I couldn't even tell you until this day. No, because I was fucking 40 years ago. But was it one? I mean, it was obviously a U2 hit. I wasn't a U2 fan. Even when I saw them at the Sphere, I was like, I'm a casual U2 fan at best. Like, I never was a U2 guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I mean, I knew so little about music at the time. I didn't know about Nine Inch Nails or like... At that time in my life, they introduced me to music. I didn't believe in Nirvana. I was like, Nirvana's a one-hit wonder. Because it was 1991. Pearl Jam, I liked. But Nirvana, I couldn't. I was like, oh, they're good. And then Rate Me came out, and I was like, Rate Me? What are we doing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And then all of a sudden I got turned and like my parents split up and all of a sudden like James Addiction showed up for me in a weird, I remember driving down the street and getting three days, getting it and going like, how did dad?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No. Oh, yes, I did. Yes, I did.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Okay, I get it. Sober people are exhausting. Right here. Dude, listen, I don't know. I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy on this because I'm ride or die Perry Farrell. He's the guy, right? He's the guy. Let's be real. He's the guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He's like, you can't just say wild shit like people are actually listening.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
A little rubbery. Right. Chicken's not bad. I'm not going to say this is not my favorite meal I've ever made. I'm not going to lie to you. But this is by far my favorite conversation I've ever had. Chicken is great. Let's deep dive bands.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Okay, Never Hearing Anything Else Again. Meaning, let's just put it this way. Wake up Sunday morning, I put on music because that's my Sunday. It's Crabble Dead. I'm a Grateful Dead guy. I'm a Grateful Dead guy. I'm a jam band guy, ultimately.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Fish. Fish. Goose. I love those guys. So I'm a jam band guy. However, my emotions...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
don't rest in those bands meaning like my emotions come out in more like pennywise and like sublime you guys you guys like my emotions come out in your music differently than that still same same with the country music country music gets me but i'm not like a country music guy i won't say but i say that like out of respect for the people that are diehard country music fans you know right yeah um do you like old country or new country better or do you just take it how it comes
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Right now, how it comes, and it was never that way. It was never that way. But I met so many new country guys that started writing songs that I just really dug. Yeah. Because I think we talked about this earlier, but I feel like rock and roll's taken a back seat to country music.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I love it, I love it. Everything, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
When you guys came out, I got to tell you a story.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'm being proactive about my health as I'm in my mid-50s. By the way, let me talk to you about longevity because I've been on Rogue and I can tell you all about it. But that's so fucking crazy. Hold on. Call me on my shit. I've talked about longevity. I'm a longevity doctor. I've had one for two years. And I talk ad nauseum about polar ponsauna, testosterone replacement therapy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You're definitely not going to remember this. 100% you'll never remember.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So I'm at LAX. I'm checking in to the American Airlines.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So I hope this story is as enjoyable to you as it was to my wife.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yeah, okay. So I'm checking into the Admiral's Club with my concierge, Q-Rep.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, oh, oh. I can almost tell you the exact date, but it's got to be ten years ago. Okay. I wasn't concierge key then. Were you then 10 years ago? I've been concierge key for 12. Sorry. Wow. I had no idea.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I see you behind me and I realize, I got to tell you, I always do this with celebrities. I got to tell you how I feel about you. It's how I work. Me too. It's a beautiful name. So I'm checking in. I say to the lady, it's Mark McGrath behind me. She goes, yeah. I went, okay, cool. I turn around and I go, hey, I got to tell you, man, I'm such a huge fucking fan and you're very generous.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You're like, oh, thank you so much. I said, you're music. It kind of defines a period of my life and it means a lot to me. And I always want you to know that, that for guys like me, like that, and you go, you listen to my music? And I was like, yeah, yeah, interesting. I said, I just want you to know that, like, I'm such a fucking fan. I don't mean to bother you. I don't want to take up your time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So I walk away. I go up to the bar, and you sit next to me at the bar with your friend, Richard Linkletter. And I look, and I go, oh, fuck, that's Ethan Hawke. I said that to Ethan Hawke. I said that to Ethan Hawke.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I said that to Ethan Hawke. That is amazing. I never said a fucking word.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You look identical to Ethan Hawke. Identical.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I got it all in the backyard.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He has to understand. Ethan, I hope you're hearing this. You look more like Mark McGrath than you do Ethan Hawke. It is wild. And you know, I've got to be honest with you. I would never say anything to Ethan Hawke. I would never. Really? Never. But you're a fan of Ethan Hawks. Mm-hmm. Casual. I mean, I'm a casual fan. I mean, I'm not like a, I'm not like a, he didn't help me get through a breakup.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You see a guy that likes to give joy to other people. I pass Ethan Hawke. I wouldn't go. So there's like a level of celebrity. By the way, thank you for your compliment on my music 10 years ago.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
What a brilliant fucking edit pivot. You better see it. That was fucking high class.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Okay, training day is great. Hold on. Walk me through it. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Toronto cop. Training Day, Dead Post Society. Dead Post Society's great. He's got some sleepers in there that you're going like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Something that works for me. Pull it up. What are we pulling up to?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It's Richard Linklater. But Sinister? I love Richard Linklater. I'm not sitting on him, but whatever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He was with Richard Linklater, who I recognized because I was obsessed with Days of Confusion.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Are they doing a movie? And then I was like, that can't be. Do you think I have glasses?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, it's called appropriation. That was terrible. Not allowed to be a white guy talking Spanish. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That was such hate for this. Gattaca was pretty fucking great. Yeah, Gattaca. Great expectations. I always thought I'd read that book.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, I didn't see that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I missed that. I just saw that trailer the other day.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It's okay. We're done with the ad hoc.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
How is that true when everybody's into it? Smart people. Big people. You might have just created the best podcast I've ever been on. How is that true is the truth is... We watched someone on, I watched someone on Joe's podcast talk about cold plunge. And I tried it, and I knew I felt energized after it. And I got really into it, and I bought one, I bought two. I think I have three now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You would do. No, it's almost like pimp shit. Like, let me put my finger in your mouth. It's kind of crazy. It's kind of crazy. It's a little crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
There is a little weird, like, Mark, Mark, Mark, you having a good time today? That's great, man. Hey, try on my shoes. Am I right? Take a shower in my room right now. Hey, man, I want you to try on my pants.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
A lot of our crew guys are 25, 30 years. And I want all my guys to know you snuck your fucking way in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, okay. Steve. Hey, fuck Joe Rogan. I have tour dates coming up in September. Permission to party world tour and fuck that guy. I got vaccinated and permission to party world tour. Fuck him, Joe. Call me. You know I love you. It's so crazy, right? If you shit on someone once, they tell everybody.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Okay, can I? I know you have a hard out. I want to get you out on time. No, no, no. It's my kid's birthday, bro. I know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, no, no. Let's get you some dinosaur teeth.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
They were a little aggressive. The chicken's good. Can I ask you a very, and obviously, you know, you guys have a full edit of this show. I don't do that, dude. I own my own content. How are you, when shit went sideways for Sugar Ray or when you got shit on, how did you maintain a good attitude about it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You know what I mean? Hang on. So own your mistakes to me so I can understand them. Because I go, because I get shit all online and I hate it. It bothers me so much. I just can't look at it. So I go, I can't see it because I go, then it owns my life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'm being serious. I have three cold plunges, and I have two saunas. And it was the feeling afterwards made me feel like I was doing something good. But I never did the research myself.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I don't have moments. I can't even... Man, I never... You know, I don't know. I'm not a negative person in the sense that I don't look for the people that root down for people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Sometimes comics will be like, dude, the fuck's this video? And you're like, man, I definitely didn't need to see that. Right. I get it. I get it. I'm not for everyone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It was. Well, no, hang on. It's easy not to. What's hard not to is like when you do something cool and you go, oh, this has got to be positive. Yeah, people must love this. Right? And then you go, I got it. I mean, I got it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I got it. I got it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I just did the Jennifer Hudson dance tunnel. Right, right. This is going to be fucking. Everybody's going to love that. 8.7 million views. Come on. Dude, let me just get a little taste. No. Just a little hit. Give me a little hit, man. This is what I hate about this guy. And you're like, I just thought eight. And then in your brain, you go, 8.7 million people hate what I did.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And then you're like, it's not real. I told a comic who was dealing with some hate online. And he was like, dude, how do you deal with any of this? And I told him, I said, it's push, not pull. Yeah. Do you remember, we're the only generation that remembers this. No one in this room will get this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
When you first got iPhones or like the Palm Pilots, it would send emails, and then at a certain point of the day, it would pull emails. And I remember going, that's crazy. So what if I said no more pulling emails? I'd just send emails. And so I'm a palm pilot now. I just push emails. I don't send shit. I don't bring in shit. Because I go, it's not worth a bad mood.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Are you going to sing it? Are you going to sing it? Why would I sing it when you're going to... It would feel like $420,000 after taxes and agents.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I saw him live. Peter Gabriel, just got to explain, because I know people watching are going, huh? He defines soundtracks of our generation. Any fucking movie that Julia Roberts or... There were so many movies where Peter Gabriel... Say anything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Do you realize, do you realize how much it would hurt your heart If you were sitting on an airplane one day and you listened to Peter Gabriel and you started crying and going like, God damn, it's so beautiful. The birdie soundtrack. And then Peter Gabriel was sitting next to you. Right. And you were like, oh, my God, it's you. But I always.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And then him saying to you, hey, you're the guy that sent the message about us. Right. Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You don't think I tell my wife all the shit I feel about her? She's not here, right? Right. It's like fucking exhausting. Yeah, sure. I get it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Do you know what I'm saying? Do you know how many people I disliked growing up and then never told?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I went to their site, and I'm a ring gauge guy, and I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge, and I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash Burt or use code Burt at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. It's so bold. Look at him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That's what I don't get.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Right. So wait, so let's deep dive a little bit. So as you guys were popping, there had to be bands that were adjacent that you were like, like, okay, okay, you ready for this? I'm going to do you real quick. Yeah, yeah. Okay? I'm going to do you, and you may be a part of this. My favorite, one of my favorite bands, my favorite lyric ever written in a fucking song ever. That's saying something.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Without a doubt, and I need you to hear this as artists.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Your watch is blinding me, Bert. I wish I had a... If you name the band, I'll kill my drink.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It's the best lyric of all time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'm going to tell you why.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'll kill that one too. This is the best. What you want in a lyric is to tell me the story without beating me over the head about it. Just give me a hint of the story. This is the best lyric ever written.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
This is Every Other Time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I sat up in my bed when I heard this lyric and I went, it's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And with all respect to you guys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He had cancer.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You ready? Here it is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That dude.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That dude shared everything in that lyric. Yeah. He shared everything. I wasn't ready for that last time. Because you know he watched O-Town. He watched fucking Backstreet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And he shared with this girl, dude, I think they're badass. I got a shirt like that. I got pants like that. I'm working out. Look at my stomach. What do you think? And he shared. He overshared. And then she was like, I don't know, you're really obsessed with these bands. They broke up before the prom, and she told everyone he was gay, and it fucked him up. He said, I'm not gay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'm ready for the quickening. Make it happen. Yeah. I want to be able to sit at dinner and tell people what I really think. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And then he wrote it in a song. Yeah, that's beautiful. Do you know that's the thing I love about stand-up? When you do that in stand-up, that's my favorite thing ever, is when you just tell me the truth.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I've said this a number of times. My buddy Mike Young, very talented stand-up director, writer. He's bigger than stand-up right now. He just had a line one time, and he was just doing stand-up. And he was like, do you remember you had that friend that was like, you get in the dirt? He grew up in Detroit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He goes, you get in the dirt, and he'd always push a little too far, and you'd be like, Jesus Christ, man. Yeah. He's like, hey, man, let's go teepee Brenda's house. And then your friend would be like, yeah, and then we'll kidnap her fat dad. And I just, that for me is like that lyric. It's so brilliant.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
By the way, what a great disassociative in that song. I like girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch. Chinese food makes me sick. It's almost like going, hey, do you guys want a dinner? By the way, I get diarrhea in the back of my car.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
There should be a documentary on LFO. I agree.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Wait, hold on. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Can we, can we, okay, we should close this out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, I got five minutes left for you. I got to get you out of here. You got twins birthday. Oh, you know. I do. We should bring a guitar out for something. All right, this is what I want to do. I want to get the... Tuning's always great. When you guys were starting... Yeah. With Sugar Ray, what was the songwriting process like?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Who do I miss those days?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Are you talking about McG the guy? Mick G. The fucking director.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
My buddy, Mick G. You said it twice, and I was like, you mean the huge director?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Everyone does. Yeah, no, he's a great guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, so you do. This is what I do. Can someone answer that question? Every six months, they test my biomarkers. Based on my biomarkers, they tell me if I'm getting healthier or not healthier. Inflammation, sugars, everything. Liver enzymes, everything. And so the last one I got was four months ago. I have one coming up in a month, in two months. And my enzymes were better than I've ever been.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
What song do you have the hardest time with?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Wait, hold on. Hang on. Let's see. Hold on. There you go. Rachel, is Peter in here? Yeah. Come in here. Let's see who fucks up One Week first. Yep, come on in. Hold on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Did you ever explain the food? Food. The food's a fucking passive. No, no, no, no, no, no. Stand behind him. Stand behind him. You guys are so cocky. I know every fucking word. All verses? They know everything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Are you ready? What everyone can do. No. It's been one week since you looked at me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
So what they do for me is they just check... I got to be full disclosure, I met these people through Rogan. Like, I... We know. I don't know anything. We know. By the way, Brigham, you know I fucking love you. But, like, I don't know anything. I didn't do the research. My dad would have done research. I just was like...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Burt Kreischer's got the mad tits! Brother, every time I Google myself, it was Burt Camper. Oh, my God. That was amazing. It was every time I Googled it, Bert Kanford's the name that comes up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I've never seen him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I bought it again. I did it again. I did it again. He died again? I was like, wait, he's already dead?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, I did it more than first time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Give a lot? No, no, what? Ask me and I'll tell you. Well, I'll tell you. I mean, like, what are we doing here? We're all grownups. Like, hang on, hang on, no, no, no. Listen, we're doing a fucking interview. Fuck yeah. You're a hit band. And what are the royalties on, like, something like that? Pretty good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Hang on, no, no, no. Ready? Can you rewrite $1 million with how much money you have now? That would be... Let me do it. Let me do it. Let me do it. Let me do it. Let me do it. Start playing it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That's going to be the best thing I've ever been a part of in my life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I've done some big things.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Oh, my God. That's insane. I'm sweating. I'm sweating right now. Oh, my God. I'm sweating.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
That's so funny. I have. Wait, wait, wait.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I know. I've already clocked your watch. And he's not wearing one. I'm already watching you. Yeah, well, it blends into your tattoos. Tattoos. Is that the Sprite? This is the Kermit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And sleep. I have the Moonwatch, too. All right, hold on. Let's close on this one. Wait, if I had a million dollars. Play if you had a million dollars.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
The tour starts when?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Guess who's gonna be there then? Oh nice! We start production in Georgia. Not in June 3rd. Not in June. I am fucking lit. July 3rd.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And thank you for having me. Greek Theater. You're doing Red Rocks?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
East Coast runs are pretty quick. I love East Coast runs. It's going to be great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
No, those West Coast runs suck because it's long drives. Long drives. The East Coast is like a two-hour drive, sleep, two-hour drive.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He's a pilot. Hey, if I came out, can I fly with you? If you come out of the closet? Easily. She's a beard. Absolutely you can. I would love to come out. I'd love to take you. Those are shows I would love to go see. I would love to go see.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I know. I can't wait to see what 53 feels like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
You have your own plane, don't you? No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. I'm going to argue the exact same. Today, I apologize to Buffalo Wild Wings. I was in my sauna, and I thought, not touring is killing me because I have no bare parameters on my life. When I tour, I do not drink until 11 o'clock at night. After show? Yeah, of course, obviously, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I'm so good at my life that I was like, I've got to get the fuck out of my own way and go back on tour. Right. And I'm doing Red Rocks in September? October. October. And I just go, get me on tour. I'm so much healthier. But I understand that mentality of going like, you know, I got to fly myself because that makes me healthier. I understand that. No one ever understands that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Everyone just goes like, oh, so you got a plane. You're like, don't go fuck yourself. This is how I stay healthy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
What, do you have money? Yeah. Yeah, hey, guess what? Go fuck yourself. We're talking about, hey, some people have more money than you, and you've got to accept that and move on with your life. That's the truth. Don't be angry. Yeah, don't be angry. Just let it be an inspiration. I don't know why. Listen, I don't have his money, and I love being around him. I don't have Mark's money.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I love being around him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Guys, great episode of Something's Burning. Thank you so much, gentlemen. Thank you. That was fucking amazing. That was fucking amazing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Hey! We like that trajectory. You look great, man. You look great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It's not chicken sushi. It's Chinese chicken. Ha! Come on, keep it coming. I told you guys, you're my guys. You're my guys. Oh, my God, I love that. Like, I can't tell you. You know, you're the generation that we felt we discovered. Now, granted, we found you through MTV, right? Yeah, for sure. But we felt we discovered you because I saw you by myself.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And I said, oh, shit, who the fuck's this guy? I would argue you're the reason people have fucking sparrow tattoos. I think. And frosted tips, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Well, guys still got them. Guys still rocking them. But it's like, it's, you know, it's funny to me because sometimes I feel like your bands have been misrepresented. Where I go, you weren't there day one. Don't ever fucking talk about my guys like that. I feel like that, for real. I honestly feel like, and I'm going to say wild shit right now. Let it go, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
I feel like One Week is not Bare Naked Ladies. In my opinion. It's not the band. I would say, I was just playing it on the guitar two seconds ago, not John Prine. What's... Brian Wilson. Brian Wilson's Bare Naked Ladies. And by the way, your new album is Bare Naked Ladies. Thank you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Because I didn't even think it was going to be on the record. Can I tell you what's crazy to me is, like, now you hear people sing that, and obviously that is, like, a fucking viral moment. What's-her-name just did it. Yeah. And everyone's like, can you believe she knows the lyrics? I can name seven people in this room that can sing it. Go ahead, Rachel.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Yes, it was!
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
But it's not the band. And here's the other part. It's like, you can also be the band and get criticized for being the band. And I'd argue that with you. You've never not said who you are or what you wanted in life or what you did. When you work for Extra, that's the most rock and roll thing I've ever fucking seen in my life. I'm being serious. It's like, bro, we... Hey... Get into your shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
Have fun with life. What the fuck are we talking about? We don't all need to be Bob Dylan. We can do the shit and have fun with it and fucking... I always tell this story about Steve Harwell from Smash Mouth.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
It was.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
He didn't. I talked to him about that one night. And I've told this story again, but I'm going to share it one more time. We were in Connecticut, and our hotel had a fire alarm. And I went out to the parking lot, and I'm sitting there. It's like fucking 2 in the morning, 2.30 in the morning. And I'd been to the bar. I was drunk, and I came out, and I'm hammered.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
And Steve came up to me, and he was like, hey, man, I'm Steve. You're Bert. I was on Travel Channel at the time. He was like... When they're going to keep the bar open, you want to go have a drink? And I was like, yeah, fuck yeah. And then we crashed a wedding that night. Listen, I hope you understand this as much as what I'm saying.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: If We Had $60,000,000, We’d ALL Be Rich | Ed Robertson + Mark McGrath | S5 E13
When I say you're my guys, all my life moments in my life, my early moments, you guys were a part of them. And as silly as it sounds, it's not silly, but I signed a deal at Fox or something with Will Smith, and I was flying home. And Smash Mouth was in my headset. And that was, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play, hang out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I don't think we need to tie it. Yeah, we don't need to tie it. All right. Let's keep talking like we were. And we're waiting for Warren. We're going to start. I'm going to have a glass of wine. Yeah. I started drinking. I had a bottle of champagne this morning. You did?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Adult entertaining.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
By the way, let's talk about how great strip clubs are. My wife is totally cool with me going to strip clubs, and it is the biggest gift you can give a man. Because you go in, you blow off steam, you have time with your boys. It's like a moment. And then it goes away. Wait. Like going through McDonald's.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, Gold Club.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And they were probably dating, brother, sister.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So the Gold Club is where Cheetah is now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Well, now the place is Magic City, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I haven't been in Atlanta. Let's celebrate. Black women as strippers because there is a very big difference between a black strip club and a white strip club. It definitely so is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
The pole work. The pole work is like fucking next level. It's like goddamn Romanian gymnasts. They're fucking. It is. Baby. They fly everywhere in there. We went. We went into Magic City when I was 25 years old. Went to Magic City for my buddy's bachelor party. We had a tour bus. We had XC and we had cocaine. And I walked in, high on coke, and I saw it and I went, are they on coke also?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
How are they doing it? I just was used to white strip clubs are like this. Oh, no, not in Atlanta. And then all of a sudden, I watched a girl climb up a pole, flip upside down, drop stop, drop stop, drop stop, and then land in a split. And I'm like, are we both on coke? By the way, sidebar, that is when Everybody Moved to the Back of the Bus, that song just came out. Nah, nah, hush that bush.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Everybody moved to the back of the bus. Oh, okay. And one of my buddies overdosed, and they put him in the back of the bus, and I walked into.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
By the way, I got very high off one hit. Because as I'm walking around, I'm like, remember the commercial where the dog's going, snossages, snossages, snossages? Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And I walked into the bathroom in the tour bus, and that's playing, put him in the back of the bus. And they put him in the back of the bus, and I went, dear Lord, I will never do drugs again if you don't let me go to the back of the bus. I was like, don't make this outcast song about me. I don't want to go to the back of the bus.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Can I just have a moment? Now, I've been a fan of yours for a very long time. Very long time. You on Hard Knocks is maybe one of my favorite people ever on Hard Knocks. But if you told me that my wife and you would be making biscuits and everyone laughing, I'd be like, what world do I fucking live in?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I think we connect.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It's funny the way, because growing up in the South, I think you're around black people more. Her best friend's Chinese. Definitely. Chinese. And never really interacted with black men. That's true.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And they're just talking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It's about the crazy people. Hang on, hang on, hang on one second. I'm going to say five movies I know Pac-Man did not watch and Girl Interrupted and The Notebook are number one and two.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I think you're definitely right. Don't know where those are.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Now, movies he watched that I watched that she didn't watch. Belly. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Dude, I'm telling you right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And I've won three of them already.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I've won two. I've won one solid and then we tied.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Then I lost one and we tied again.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Who declared that you won?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Thank you, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
We're doing the same. Making them sit down and watch movies that are classics.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Trent has, but it's been hard for us to find a church home to feel comfortable where he can feel comfortable. These preachers are thieves. Yeah, totally. Where he can feel comfortable, and it's not about autograph session or ties, heavy, heavy ties.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'd love to be in church, and someone, hey, can I get a picture? I'd look up and go, God, you see this, right? Just so you know, I could be valuable up there, too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
For sure. Would it be weird if you get to heaven and God's white? Are we going to be able to see it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go to heaven, and then you see God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
If God's Chinese, I'm going to be like, oh, shut the fuck up. I hope I see him. I'll be like, okay, here's my problem if God's black. I'm going to try to dap him up, and he'll be like, come on, buddy. Just shake my hand. You shake hands with everybody else and all of a sudden you get like a, what's up? Oh shit, God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
What if it's a chick and you're trying to fuck her and you're like, and he's like, just so you know, I'm God. And you're like, ah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
My wife's still alive. I thought I could get away with this one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That's our clip. That's our clip. Why would you try to fuck God?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Why would you try to fuck God?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Hold on, let's break this down. God did create me, so she's got to be into me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So she's a whore, she fucks everybody.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Duh, I'm upset.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But it looked like you know what you're doing, though. And they look pretty good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I don't make biscuits like this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Well, I'm going to be honest with you. I've never made homemade biscuits. And I'm a cooker.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah, you have to send me your recipe.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
OK.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
OK.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, they can be something crazy. What is that? Oh, this is going to be some animals.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Mussels, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah, mussels. And we got a... Are those animals? They're mussels.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
What is that? They're like a... What are you doing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, my God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Friends of oysters.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
They're friends with oysters.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, don't welcome that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm the cooker, but he can cook too. I can cook. When we first met, we used to do that. We used to go in the kitchen and cook. He'll have a day and I'll have a day. But I'm the cooker.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Where's my camera? Here, come up here. Snake River Farms. You need to send him the... I mean, they make these Wagus that are like... Yeah, can y'all send us some?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Right here. Right here. Snake River Farms. Send us some steaks, please. They're good people. They do send out steaks. You just got to post it on your Instagram. I'll do that. That's cool. Oh, hell yeah. Because them bitches are really good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Our daughter cooked the tomahawk for you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah. For real? Mm-hmm. My daughters. Oh, I take that back. I was about to shit on my daughters because that's what I normally do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Isla couldn't cook a bowl of water, that's true.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But Georgia, my oldest, she's so good at perfectly seasoning. So if I put hot sauce on something, I put it on so I regret it the next day. Yeah. Me too. Yeah, and Georgia puts the perfect amount so you taste the hot sauce but also taste the other stuff.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah. I think we're both kind of guys that like to go hard in the paint in life. Yeah, yeah. And I think that... Long lost twin. I'm telling you. I never knew it when I'd watch him play. But man, I'm telling you, God, you were so fun to watch play fucking football. And more importantly, you were so fun to watch be interviewed.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
When you were done, you were done. You were just like, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
The game has changed so much, and the type of football player that he just was naturally is just different than what the game is right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So it was like, he's like, yeah, no, I'm not going to babysit. Nope, not babysitting anybody. No, too talented to be a therapist and a psychiatrist on the field. And he's like, no, they want me to coach. Nope, not doing that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Can I tell you what's fascinating? Is that, okay, remember, I am high and I'm drunk. The type of person... I'm getting better. I can use my hands again. The type of player and person you were, they tried to squash in your era.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I was the poster boy. They didn't want anyone... I was the poster boy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That's what he'll walk in the house and say.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Can you, for Leigh-Anne, who's just meeting you now, can you give a little, like, give a Cliff Notes version of, like, who Pac-Man was, maybe to the media or to the, like, because right now all she's knowing, she's meeting Adam, I think.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He's always been very honest.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah, it's some things that they're getting tapped on the hand for, but some of the things that, you know, they're doing now. He did back then, and at the time, it was a new commissioner coming in and a new young commissioner, so he had to set the tone and, you know, have everybody back down.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He was going through his stuff at the time, and it was a new, a change. It was a good way to put it. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And so it was like, okay, poster boy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, no, no, not that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Leanne understands money right now. She's doing math in her head going, okay, okay, keep going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts. And of course the mind blowing production and pyro, the band is known for, and I am telling you, I've seen that firsthand. We saw them on tour. The whole, our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Just for being yourself? Yeah, just for, yeah. Being yourself. This is probably one of the most famous stories in all of sports. And you're like, wait, what got you suspended?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Okay, he's the reason we know that term.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
The picture is right there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, no, no. Pac-Man legit was the first guy to make it rain. And now we use that casually when we get extra french fries. We're like, oh, make it rain with French fries. He had to take a year off from the NFL because he made it rain.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm cool with it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
This is so enjoyable.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yes, you have to go and experience it with us because with us, it's a big party.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I love it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
You're going to want to, you know, when you sit there, we're going to be like, no, don't climb that pole. To me?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
She didn't take strip. Okay, I love my wife, okay? I love my wife. I love my wife.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
My wife took a stripper class. For fun?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
They got stripper classes? Yes. I took one. It's like a fantasy camp. Remember I used to come home with all the bruises on my leg from my pole class?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, that's pole dancing. Oh, no, no, no. They just taught her. I mean, it was... You know when your kid's six and he says to you, Dad, I'm pretty fast. And you go, okay. And he goes, I bet I could beat you in a foot race. You're like, okay, hold on. Don't fuck with the big dog with the paws crossed at the top of the mountain, okay? And you have that cute moment.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But it makes you love your son so much more where you go, I love that shit in him. I love that. Bark at me. That was like watching Leigh-Anne come home. After stripper class, she's like, can I show you what I learned? And I was like... And then she said to me, you sit in that chair. Like, what stripper ever goes, you sit over there, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I swear to God, she started with one of these. And I was like, oh, my God. And by the way, it's making me love my wife so much more. And then she hits me with this, right? And I'm like, what are you? I didn't know what she was doing. I go, did you get in a car accident today? She was like, no, no, no. I took a stripper class. I got A for effort. It was awesome. It was awesome. It was awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, my God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
You were adorable. You were adorable and made me love you more. I'm telling you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
By the way, clip that out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Magic City should use that as a commercial. Just some chick making biscuits going, I would love to go to Magic City.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
We got a package. What package did we get? Is it Amazon? It's from Warren. Oh, what if Warren comes out of the box? He's like, ta-da! There's that! By the way, this is the best press Warren Snap's ever going to get. Because it's just us.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
On his ass when he gets, hey, man. Hey, buddy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
All right. So I've cooked the mussels.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That's so fascinating. Yeah, I smoked when I was 14. Yeah. Warren just got out of the shower. He'll be here in a second. LAUGHTER
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
When was the first time you met Warren?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, never. No, you know what happened? All right, I'm going to tell you what happened. All right, we should do this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
This has been one of the best episodes ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome our third guest to the show, not Warren's son. That was the exact opposite of Warren Sapp. That was blonde hair, blue eyes, no Warren Sapp. Not Warren Sapp.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh my God, that was hilarious.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That was really funny.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So we'll say he didn't do six holes. He probably did nine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I think he's on 24.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He played fast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He literally wrote, I'm so glad you texted me. I forgot about it. Getting out of the shower right now. Hold on. Let's read into Warren's text. Do you think he was in the shower? He's in the shower. I'm getting out of the shower right now. No, he just showed up at his hotel room like, oh, shit, I'm late.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He said, he goes, what are you cooking? And I said, it'll be a surprise. He goes, I'm out. No, no, it's not like a scary surprise. He goes, I'm out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah, yeah. She can't smoke weed. It makes her throw up. It makes me throw up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah, he's on sap time. Why don't you come make biscuits while we talk?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
They're all sitting around with paint in their face.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I have no interest.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm like, hell yeah. They geeked up over there, boy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm with Jason Kelsey this morning. And we're doing bench press. I'm with Jason Kelsey, Taylor LeJuan, and Will Compton. And we're doing bench press. And I said, what are you doing for the rest of the day? I go, I'm doing a podcast with Pac-Man Jones. And all three of them were like, that's going to be fucking good. I said, really? And they go, oh, just let him go off. And I went, fuck yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Wait, you grew up in Bankhead? Bankhead. Here, grab a seat. We'll both sit over here while Leigh-Anne makes us biscuits. Leigh-Anne, you want to make the meal for us? Sweet, can I tell you what's crazy? So, OutKast fan my whole life, right? Yeah. Anything from Atlanta was my... Where are you from? Tampa. Oh, okay. So, like... You really... Tampa is Atlanta. Yeah, a little bit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Can I tell you, out of all the feelings you get in life, right, athletically, the moment... Can you explain in poetry? I know you're a little bit of a poet. Your first poet was... He wrote a poem when he was in... Jones, my name, basketball, football, my game.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
When he was a kid, he wrote that. He still has it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Can you explain in beautiful words what it's like When you catch the punt, you do this, and all of a sudden you see the world open.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Jesus.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That looks like a shark's mouth.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm about to pass out. Yo, I need a fucking oxygen, too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
When he was a black doctor, I go, do you want to take a look at my shit first? Because we don't have the same stuff.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That's the first baby. Second baby, he was like, I got this. With Junior, he was like, I got this. Got my camera ready. I'm ready to go. And then he was all in camera mode. And then he was like, oh. What the fuck? Oh, shit, doc. I think I need a chair. He got a chair. Then he looked at the doctor. All I could hear him say, you do this every day?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Every day?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I watched it, but it was a hard watch, I would say. Did you watch it? I did. I went back and watched it for a minute, but now I didn't have that like, oh. I was like, oh. It's like science.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And so I remember when I moved to New York, I couldn't understand. I realized hip hop was different there because they listen in headsets. For us, it was all in your car. Like everyone put bass in their car when we were 16. And Outkast was like my band. I was like, loved Outkast. And then I worked at the Olympics in Atlanta for like a week, two weeks.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I got a size eight head.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And hurry up. Mm-hmm. Our 14-year-old was a 23-weeker. Oh, yeah, she was a... And so why he kind of turned the other way was because she shot straight out. She was like this big.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So she shot straight out. One push, two push, she came out like, and he was not expecting.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Girl.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Still to this day, no. She just had kids early. Well, he was a preemie. I was a preemie too. For real? He was a preemie. So if that maybe, I don't know if that plays a factor. Maybe because I did, we moved around a lot. I was moving around a lot. I don't know. We still to this day don't know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
She was just, all my kids were in a rush to get here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
We had to induce because I had to work. 700 bucks. Miami Improv. When I would watch you guys on Hard Knocks, I love that show so much. When I watched you guys, I was excited that you guys had nice things. Yeah, you couldn't work hard to get nice things. I was like, that's so cool. I would like to be like them. I remember just like, do you remember when...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Ocho Cinco made those Hey Baby shirts or whatever. Was it Hey Baby? Kiss the Baby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Kiss the Baby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And I was like, I remember watching that going like, he has enough money to make his own shirt. I mean, that's where I was in my life at the time. But I was like, that's so cool, man. I would love to be able to do something fun with money. So it's not just buying your own thing, but I'll make shirts for everyone and then I'll give them out. Like that kind of shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I do not understand how the internet dislikes money. I don't, and I think it's just personally. Do you think the internet dislikes money?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, parts of the internet. Parts of the comments that you read will be like, Oh, you've changed, and you're like... Oh, you talking about your personal comments.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And then you make you feel a way about yourself. Don't even read them. And I'll be like, yo, that's not fair. That's not fair that some dude that doesn't like me gets to tell me not to like me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And I started realizing the street names were lyrics in their songs. Yeah. And I was like, Oh. They talking about Cameron and Rose. Yeah, and I'm like. My bank head. But that, I mean, what's your favorite OutKast song? Were you big in OutKast? I was, but not really. T.I.?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
God damn it. That's fucking creeps. I'm like sitting here going like, we need a Pac-Man Jones wake up alarm. Go on, fuck off. everyone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
The way your brain works, and I'm learning it right now. In high school, never did drugs or booze because you wanted to get better and get out of it, right? You get to West Virginia, you play every game high. You play every game high in the NFL. You are a fucking, I don't even know if you're in the Hall of Fame yet, but a first ballot Hall of Famer, without a doubt. Next year I'll get it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
What I think people should pay attention to is your mentality, your coaching, the way you can coach life. Because the way you lived life was different but successful. And there's a lot of people that the format, like the learning curve isn't the same for everyone. Some people need your brain to get to the next place.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Sometimes it's in you, not on you. Yeah, nothing? No one got that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Sorry. Why do you marry the people like that? Like, why wouldn't you just marry a person that worships you? She'd be like, come on, Bert. Yeah, you ain't going to get that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Was it good or not?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But what's crazy is... We need that, though. Some people need it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think that they don't understand is we're going to stroke your egos. We're going to do that. But we cannot do it the 24 hours that we have in the day.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Give me 21. Give me 18. Give me 12 and you sleep for 10 of them. I can do it. Well, no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Well, we don't have to end the conversation, but ladies and gentlemen, our food is served. We've got gumbo. Gumbo, yeah, gumbo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It looks good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
In the presentation.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, yeah. There should be more things like weed. Like, they should be a drug that makes you want to jog. Or I guess it's called coke.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It's good. The flavor is really nice.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
If it wasn't, I just would sit here and not say anything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But it's good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I love that. That roux, two beers, a little bit of Worcestershire butter, roasted flour, and it is legit. You put beer in here? Two. Oh, shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I was about, I was panicked for a second. I was like, wait, you're not sober, are you? And I was like, oh, we've been drinking and smoking all day.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That's good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Now here's what. If it was 10 years ago, here's what I'd do with this. I would have put two jalapenos in there. It's spicy as shit. I would have had that. But I have a, I don't know. You've been eating too much shit. I've messed up my stomach too much from eating too much spicy stuff. So if I have a little spice. Twins.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
The next day is horrible for you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It's horrible.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Like, I would do it on stage. I would do it in the afternoon and then get on stage at night and be like, I have to shit my pants. One time I was in Lexington, Kentucky, I think, and I had hot wing. I did the Buffalo Wild Wing Challenge that afternoon. What fucking grown-up does the Buffalo Wild Wing Challenge in the afternoon?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Okay. Wait, you've done it, too?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I don't know Pastor Troy, no. Oh, my God. We ready. Oh, yeah, I know Pastor Troy. Yeah, yeah, okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Do you realize how similar we are? Can I tell you the most adorable thing? Couple to couple to couple, right? My memory is horrible. I live in fantasy sometimes. I think I was in Orlando, Florida. I go to Buffalo Wild Wings all the time. I love Buffalo Wild Wings. So I'm sitting at a table by myself and I'm...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And I'm waiting for my meal, and I see a young couple, maybe like 14, 15 years old, on their first date. Boy and girl, they sit at a high top, and they sit together, and you can see he's nervous. And he was like, he's like, you're really going to love this. You're really going to love this. You're gonna love this. This is the best place. Trust me when I say, we're gonna have such a great time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And I'm listening, just kind of eavesdropping. And I'm like, think how adorable it is. The waitress comes up. She goes, so do you guys know what you want to order? And the guy goes, yeah, I got this. And he goes, we'll both be doing the Buffalo Wild Wings Challenge. And the girl had no idea what she was signing up for. This guy was such a bro.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He knew he had done it with his buddies and that piece of shit. And he thought, on our first date, we eat the spiciest wings and we'll laugh our asses off. This is going to be amazing. Dude, I laughed. Did you watch it? I watched it. This girl had no idea what she was signing up for. She's like, I don't like it. I feel like I'm on fire. She's like, my lips, what do we do? And he's like laughing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He's like, isn't this great? Oh, buddy, I think about that. You know, the other one I did.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But I bet he fell so in love with her at that moment. That's some shit Junie would do, though. She tried it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
When mom is not around.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah. Hey, the food is good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It is good. The food is really good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Hey! Oh, something went inside.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Did you say we're getting paid? We ain't a podcast. I have a feeling. I have a feeling. We're getting paid on a podcast. No, no, no. I think they're getting paid. We're getting paid right now. We're doing this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. That's what it says right there. I know it says BET.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Leigh-Anne, I love you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Wait, cut on the Jewish chick. We ready. She's going like this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So you get the lingo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm definitely dropping that during sex. I'm like, you smell me? So she's going to laugh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I can smell your schmalls from here. Oh, my God. Schmoss or Schmatt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
This is great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm going to drop that one right there. Yeah, Liam, we're going to Magic City. We're going to have a ball.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Hang on, hang on, hang on. So you know we have to do a double date now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
We have. This has been.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
This has been so fucking fun.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So it's right there on Forsyth Street. Oh, you know where it's at now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Look at those hands. Look at those hands. Look at those hands. God damn it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That was crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Something's burning.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
He's trying to see what's he going to catch it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I was hoping he'd grab it and run out the door and be on for 85 yards. There's butter on it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I said, are you on the run? No, I'm not on the run, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Not on the run.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It ain't for everybody. I know. I lived there. I lived in a warehouse.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
In the Swat. Swat? Southwark? Yeah. I lived in a warehouse. And the very first night, a dude broke into the warehouse and beat a dude with a pipe and stole his shit. And I was like, hey, Dad, can I get a plate home? Yes. I was like, wow, this is... And then that day, we're taking a walk around southwest Atlanta, and I'm just looking around. I'm like, oh, these are all the lyrics.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
We were close. Right next to it, right next to it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Look, I'm looking for sympathy from the internet right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
We saved our neighbor's house.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
They were Mexican and we saved their house.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
With their Asian gardener, I saved all of them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down, check out Burt cast number six 23. They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach, is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Black Lives Matters. Yeah. I'm just looking for fucking some love on the internet. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
So we learned this in therapy. I misrepresented Leanne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And I took her voice from her. Oh. Go ahead and say what you're going to say.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, no. We're learning. We're learning. We're learning.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Now, by the way, just so we're clear.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Just so we're clear. She did it to me as I was making a joke. We learned that these are our trauma states. Go ahead, Leanne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I have never met a couple that made me love my wife more. Like I, watching all of us interact makes me love this fucking woman so much. I'm having so much fun with you guys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I mean, come on. Hello, Leigh-Anne. My name is Tiz.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I'm Bird. I'm back, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Hi, Sam. Oh, hey, what's up?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, shit. This is the guy that videotapes our art.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
These are all the... Oh, shut up. And then I was like, the SWAT... Someone had a... I think it was Goody Mob had a song about the SWATs. And I was like, oh, this is the SWAT. As a typical white kid. How cool. Then the dude gets beat with a pipe. I'm like, can I get home?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
When we first started dating, he lived in a refrigerator. I swear to God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
You had to walk past the Bud Light. You had to open the glass door and go in the refrigerator.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
For sure. Right. You guys are bringing out the best version of this woman, and I do not know why. I am in love with this. Stop talking. She's a great woman. She's a great woman. Hey, to my wife, Leanne. To our wives. Put me a little bit in here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, there we go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
To our wives.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Well, I got to tell you something. Right now, I just simply have to thank you. You came in here with such wildly great energy. And you brought it into this kitchen. You held court to this room. And what's really dope, and I think is why I did it, is you kept giving love to your wife and bringing her in the picture. And that's why we're all here right now. We got a new show, people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But this has been amazing. You guys are a vibe. Your mouth to God's ears. You will be the biggest thing in sports media in a year and a half. And I'm telling you, you're just special, man. I said it earlier and I cut myself off, but they tried to squash personalities like yours in your generation. And now those personalities are running sports media. Look at Shaquille O'Neal. Look at yourself.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Look at Pat McAfee. Look at all these wild... Pat McAfee jumps in a river drunk, right? Don't let him be Pat McAfee. Look who Pat McAfee is. He's running fucking ESPN right now. Shout out to Pat. You smell me?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
My boy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
No, no, no. I'm going to give us an outro. But hey, check out his show. Thank you so much. We have to do a couple's weekend. I'm going to organize it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Smell me. You got to hit him one time. Smell me. Look at the camera, Leanne, and go, smell me, no cap. Smell me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
All right. Great episode. Great fucking episode. That was awesome. That was fucking amazing. Dude. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Yeah. So I have two kids who don't think they have money, right? And they act like they're like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
They didn't grow up with money. So money showed up a little later in their life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But then they, like today my daughter just sent me a message. She's in a Different country doing studying abroad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
She was like hey I'm so grateful that my dad talked about my sister getting her period and me and on stage because I get to do this and I was Like that was cool shit, but like your kids don't have your life experience, or maybe I'm assuming your wife probably grew up in the same experience Well no her folks had a little money. Oh for real. Yeah. Oh they call that white privilege. Yeah, I
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
But what's it like raising kids when you, like, just, I'll give you a perfect example. She got hit when she was growing up. And then she, I'm like, yo, we don't hit our kids.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit Shinedown.com. Las Vegas. I'll be at Resorts World Theater March 21st and 22nd. My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
That's awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Are you an only child?
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
There's a clip I love, I've talked about this before. You know who Nate Diaz is? Yep. There's a clip, I've talked about it on Rogan. I love Nate Diaz. Nate Diaz is, we should FaceTime him. He's a fucking good dude. I love Nate Diaz. I fucking love Nate Diaz. He'd be smoking one with us right now. Oh, he would.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
There's a clip of him online and they said, hey, did you ever get bullied when you were a kid? And he was like, no. I had a big brother. And his big brother was fucking Nick Diaz. And you're like, oh, how cool to have a big brother who can fuck the world up. Right. Yeah, I was the oldest with two sisters, so I never got bullied.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
What's wrong? This might be my favorite episode. I'm over here in the corner, and I feel like I'm listening to a first date where you guys are just, like, chatting, and I'm like, this is a great conversation. Like, I would have never asked any of those questions. I would have been like, I'm so sorry. Anyway, so.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Do you like CeeLo Green?
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
I like CeeLo Green, though.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
By the way, would you like to come over and have a glass of wine with us? We should bring your wife over to have a glass of wine. This is date night. Come on in.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
When Warren comes in, we'll all eat. I'm making gumbo.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It is.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
It's kind of like, I heard about this, I heard about this maybe in a documentary, but usually like, I apologize for how this is going to sound. But the hood is like a family. And they take care of the special ones. Like if you are a talented basketball player athlete, they don't let you fuck around.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Cheers, everybody.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Thank you. Thank you.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
This is so awesome.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
And Warren's getting out of the shower. He's about to shave, so he should be here in a second.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
By the way, it would be great if Warren just shows up on the food serve, eats and leaves, and doesn't say anything.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Oh, fuck yeah. Sap, sap. I love sap. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Allbirds or Skims or Aloe, Aloe is a good one. They're doing crazy business. Sure, I mean, you think about a great product. You think about a cool brand and brilliant marketing, but often overlooked secret.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
is actually the business behind the business that makes selling and for shoppers buying simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. It's the same with me and Tommy. Nobody does selling better than Shopify.
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Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
Home of the number one checkout on the planet and the not-so-secret secret with shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going up. So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform, better be ready to sell wherever you are.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Waiting for Warren Sapp with Pacman + Tish Jones & LeeAnn | S5 E04
whatever, wherever your customers are scrolling, strolling, be it on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. That is so important. I know for a fact I want the thing, but if it's not made easy for me to have that cart get it through there, I don't get it. I've left
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Hey guys, quick reminder about the Two Bears 5K with me, Tommy, and Jelly Roll in Tampa. May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. Do not miss out on the early bird pricing because that will go away at the end of the month. Prices rise on March 1st. Get off the couch. Get on Strava. Jelly's on there. They'll get you to a 5K. You can do it with us. Meet us in Tampa. Go to TwoBears5K.com to register.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Ooh, I wouldn't mind a whiskey on the rocks. What kind of whiskey do we have? Bring out a little... Do you look at times where your dad drank and are they bummers as opposed to like... No, I mean, there were...
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I met your mom one time. I have, I've talked about your mom a lot. I think your mom's, your mom is the ideal wife, in my opinion. I wrote a sketch one time. They said in the sketch, they said, I was talking about falling in love, I wanna fall in love, what kind of woman are you looking for? And I said, Sharon Osbourne. And they said, why?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And I said, you know, Sharon Osbourne's the kind of woman that if Ozzy would get drunk and start walking around, she'd go, fine, you can drink, but I'm gonna take all your clothes. That's how we got into the whole Albuquerque, New Mexico, or whatever, the Alamo.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And I said, I need the kind of woman that looks at me and goes, I understand you're pissing around the room, we're gonna put trash bags inside the hamper so you piss in the trash bag so we can throw it out easy. I go, she's a forward-thinking woman, and I'm looking for a woman like Sharon Osbourne, and dare I say, I married that fucking woman. I have thought about your mom so much.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I think your mom's just a fucking gangster. I mean, a gangster.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Oh. You should go to, yeah. She'd light me up.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
No, she wouldn't. She'd pick me up and say all my flaws in a fucking heartbeat.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Would you get starstruck? Have you ever gotten starstruck? Yeah, of course, yeah. I got starstruck when I saw Jack in the car the other day. The first time he DM'd me, and he's like, yo, we're doing a show on Travel Channel. And he's like, I'd love to have you on. And I was like, dude, I think I might have over DM'd you.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Dude, I get starstruck super easy. But I'm that age. Celebrity for me was like, it's like a big deal. Not everyone was a celebrity when I was a kid, you know? Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I wish it was that easy. At least their butthole is. Yeah. All right, let's talk more gossip. Tell me what's going on in your gossip world. I want to give you my two cents. And by the way, so are you team Brianna or team Zach?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Just like sleepovers. Yeah, I don't think. Just had sleepovers and ate bubbles. That's all. The Grace part's the biggest bummer for me. Right? Are you Team Grace or Team Brianna? I'm Team Grace and Brianna. Oh. Tell me more. As a duo. So that's how it works. It's like when you fall in love with a team, you fall in love with a team. You don't want them to separate. Right? Brady Gronk.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
They're Brady Gronk. And you want them to be a team. And they're not a team anymore. And that bums me out. Because I'm looking at two chicks who are best friends their whole lives and let media get in between it. Let me tell you something. Tommy and I have talked about this. Tommy and I have had our hiccups. Mostly coming from me. But...
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
We've always said, if anything gets in the way of our friendship, we'll figure it out. We're not going to let our business get in the way. I got emotions. I owe this to Sharon. I wish I didn't. I really wish I didn't. I got emotions when I was shooting my movie and Tom was doing Two Bears with other people and I didn't know who they were.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And I would get emotions about it and Tommy figured it out that I was getting emotions and he was like, hey, how can I help you? That's the way it works. It bums me that they couldn't get to that place.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You can't do that.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You've got to realize your place in the team.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Dave Portnoy's a fascinating guy.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
So what's your take on Dave? You met him just the end of it.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Good business guy. Solid dude in my opinion. The thing I love about him is the thing I envy. I like to envy things in men or that's why I'm friends with them.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah, and I'll tell you what. I like his... I wish I had the balls... to bring receipts to everything. Yes, well, I was just going to say, his receipt ability.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Dude, there's a lot to be learned. Yeah. When you did, so how long have you been off social media?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah. Actually, yesterday I was thinking about it because I've always said the truth is I don't read comments. I do catch some shrapnel from here and then.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
But, like, I don't read comments. I don't. Check how videos are doing. I don't get on it, but I do get on Instagram and I look at my feed. My feed's always like the same thing. Watches, Puerto Ricans getting their hair cut, boat crash videos, HBCU cheerleaders. It's the same fucking shit. That's my algorithm. The shit I like. It's stuff that cheers me up. Boat crashes? You're into boat crashes?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
What about BMX crashes? No, I can't watch a young kid get hurt on skateboarding or BMX because it makes my butthole tingle. I don't know, something about that just goes like where I go, ha. But I don't mind that stuff. But I thought the other day, I was like, maybe I should say I read every comment, because maybe that'll increase my comments. It would.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Because I was like, I say I don't read them, and I look at the comments every now and then, and someone's like, you know you only had 200 comments on a video that had like 5 million views. I was like, because everyone knows I don't read the comments. I was like, I'm going to start saying, I read every comment. Don't read the comments, though.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You don't have to act out. You're the first generation of what it was like to experience social commentary on who you were, and you were a child, and it's before social media.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Wow. Yeah. You know, I just ran into, in Australia, Burt McCracken.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
The only way, and I love, no hate, no nothing. The only reason I knew him is because I'm a Burt, he's a Burt, and he was on the Osbirds. Yeah. And I remember, you got to edit this out, but you called him ****.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
My mom called him ****. And I have, that has lived rent-free in my life for what? How many years?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And by the way, I got to say this. They're fucking great. Good band. They're still great. I saw them work with Papa Roach. They're amazing. Burt is the sweetest guy. Burt McCracken is the sweetest guy. He was so cool. And I told him, I said, the only reason I know you is because of Alice Burns. He's probably like, fuck. No, no, he was the nicest guy. Oh, cool. He was the nicest guy.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I think he's sober. Yeah. Like clean and just the solid guy.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
When do I start getting acne at 52? Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. That is definitely the key. What were you saying? Keep going.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
That, I do think there's a little bit of like... I think they are a little more... I mean, but you know, I accidentally, my daughter accidentally, Isla, opened her... Instagram for, like didn't make it private for a second. A lot of hate? No, no, it was just creeps. It was creeps.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Do you find it ironic that as a child who got that life thrust on him, this is Kylie. She goes to NYU. Thank you. Yeah. She's my niece, but it's hard to explain. Okay. Do you find it ironic, or do you see it from a fishbowl way when you look at guys like me and him who, for lack of better words, work to get famous or notoriety or recognition to someone who had it at a young age?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And within, she opened it for like 10, 15 minutes, and it was like 4,000 people all asking for like, just horrific stuff.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Goddamn. This is true. Let me wash my hands, I just picked my nose. Okay. I just caught myself doing it, and I was like, yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I don't wash my hands for everyone. All right, we're going to start building this out. This is going to be so cool. So what I'm thinking about doing is I'm heating these up, and I'm thinking about piping tzatziki inside. The pita, okay? So we go pita, tzatziki inside the pita, baba ganoush, garlic sauce, pickled onions, then a meat.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And I'm thinking we go four stories and then cover it with hummus. I swear to God I have to do that. This reminds me of the episode of Friends where he has like the meat pie and Joey just eats it. Do you guys watch food stuff online at all? A little bit, yeah. A little bit? Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
What's your diet like? What's your diet like?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I like those outdoor. Yes. When I used to go on TikTok. TikTok for me was just always like, it was like, I don't know, quicker Instagram.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Wait, do you ever get on YouTube Shorts and see a middle of a movie and you're like, this looks like the most amazing movie I've ever seen? Yes, yes.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
How great, listen, I understand we just shit on trolls, but how great are the trolls that are like, oh, this is a movie about an 18th century, and then they click see more, and you go to click see more, and it's not that. They just fuck with you, and you're like, you cock-sucking 12-year-old. Yep. Dude, I've seen the most amazing parts of movies. Mm-hmm. I don't know what the movie is, right?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Woman walks in, holds a gun to a man and a woman. They're great looking people. She's like, where is he? And they're like, what are you talking about? He's like, where is he? She's like, we don't know what you're talking about. She's like, is he in the closet? They're like, we don't know what you're talking about. Opens the closet and there's a boy with a bag over his head.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
She goes, where are the other ones? And they're all hidden in the closet. And she's like, you're not gonna shoot us, are you? I don't know what movie it is, but I wanna watch it so bad. There's so many good fucking movies out there.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
God, there's so many good clips of a movie on YouTube where you go, can I tell you what looks amazing? Jack Reacher. The TV series? Oh yeah, the dude. My mother-in-law's obsessed with it. I've never seen an episode. I've watched every episode on YouTube Shorts. That giant man.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
He's gorgeous. He's sexy. He's gorgeous. Who's the best looking male actor right now? Oh, man.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
This is some Bravo shit right here.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah, I was going to say. Glenn's pretty hot right now.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Come on.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Oh, I know Glenn Powell. He's fucking gorgeous. Gorgeous. A little bit of an Armie Hammer look, right? Yep. Right? But shorter. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Aloe, and by the way, I got to say this, I didn't know of Aloe until I started doing this read, and I see them everywhere now. We've all heard of Allbirds or Skims, of course.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Las Vegas. I'll be at Resorts World Theater March 21st and 22nd. My special drops March 18th. Let's get lucky. What's sweet in here?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You think about a great product, a cool brand, and brilliant marketing, but an often overlooked secret is... is actually the businesses behind the business making selling and for shoppers buying simple. That's the brilliance of it. And for millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. Nobody sells better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And the not-so-secret secret was shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less cars going abandoned and more sales going up. So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform, better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web or in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between businesses that sell more, sell on Shopify.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I'm telling you, an abandoned shopping cart is the saddest little thing you'll see on the internet. And I don't ever want to see them. And we have over at Birdie Boy Productions, we have... Our sales have gone through the roof. We have been using Shopify for as long as Shopify has been around. You too can upgrade your business and get the same checkout that BBP uses.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Do you go like, ugh, you don't know what you're doing?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Sign up using your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash burning, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash burning to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash burning. This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts and of course the mind-blowing production and pyro the band is known for and i am telling you i've seen that firsthand we saw them on tour the whole our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows and if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down check out burt cast number 623 they play acoustic i'm telling you zach
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. My thing is like, especially with the exes, and I think this goes to the Brianna shit, is like...
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
no one's 100% who they want to be in a relationship sometimes, right? And it's like, if you're going to break down all of that for me, then I go, yeah, I'm going to look really shitty if you tell your side of the story. If we go on a talk show and we both tell, that should be a game show. That should be a game show.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I used to think that for cancel culture. I was like, they should do a cancel culture show so that we can get these people back. Because, like, Roseanne was whatever. But, like, we should not have Roseanne because she said wild shit about Hitler. We should just get Roseanne back. So then go, hey, Roseanne. You said some wild shit about her looking like whatever, Planet of the Apes. Here's the deal.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You can have your TV show back and we cut your face with a razor blade from your ear to your lip, or you can just go into obscurity. And then she picks it, and then we get it. And we're like, yo, you see the scar, and you're like, yeah, she did bad shit, but she earned it. She did, she got her scar, yeah. She earned her place back at the table. Maybe that's not a popular opinion. The canceled scar.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Never. I've never thought about it as that way. Like, I never... I've never done that kind of comedy. And I'm not saying I'm not, I don't push envelopes or whatever the shit, but like I just, it wasn't, like my thing was to like,
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Wait, tell me.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Wait, what's really going on with Diddy?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
But was it because he was a flight risk?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Man, I have not read one Diddy thing. Oh, it's insane.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And so how guilty is Jay-Z?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
No, what's fascinating is my ability to listen more because I'm cooking. I'm a horrible talk show host. Like, all I do is talk over people and tell you my side of the story, and I understand that, and I'm trying to fix it, but... So this centers you. Well, it allows me a thing to listen more. Like, you know, I've never listened about the Diddy shit.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Because, you know, that's... Jack! That's, yeah, that's what it's come to. It's crazy that people can do an impression of your dad. I've heard so many impressions of your dad. No one can do an impression of my dad. Really? Can anyone do an impression of your dad? I've never heard one. Right? But, like, everyone does an impression.
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Like, it's crazy that that... Your life is pretty fucking crazy. It's really not, believe me. If you were to fucking come see... I remember the day you broke your arm on that Malibu pier. I should not know that about you. If I want to be your friend, I should not know things about you that I have to keep secret from you that I know about you. Does that make sense?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I heard it's 12. You might want to do your research before you do one of these interviews. A lot. There's a lot. Yeah, I'm one of 11. For real?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
That's wild. And you only have one child?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You think you'll have more?
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Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You think you're going to have like 12? No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I mean, it wouldn't surprise me. I don't have a problem with OnlyFans models. I think get money where you can make money. And if I can make, if you told me right now I can make $20 million a year by showing my dick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Your parents have to be done. After 11, they're like, no, no, no. Yeah, menopause took care of that, I think, for mom.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
How old is your youngest sibling?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Are you the only one in Hollywood? Yeah. What do they do, are they like regular people? Yeah, yeah. And then, well, here we go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It's shockingly put together. It's actually turning out way better than I thought. I just got it on my toe.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Oh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Send in the toe cleaner. So wait, who are you closest with out of your siblings?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
People would assume it's you and Kelly.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You probably can. Hey, guys, hit the like or subscribe button. Let me know if you want to see my dick. I would show it in a heartbeat. Like, it's wild.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It's a leaning tower of meat? It's gonna be so good. You gotta let it sit and get, like, juicy. That's why I'm taking my time with it. But I had it, and I'm telling you, I was blown away by how good it was. How? So you've made this before? Made it, yes, two days ago.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I'm going to try it. I went to Rome. Do you consider yourself British or American? American, probably. For real? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You were born in London? Yeah. Do you... What are your thoughts about Winston Churchill?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Buddy, I've thought, I've tried. I have a little bit of a career, so I haven't done it yet. You know, your oldest sister, I won't even say her name out of respect for her privacy. When you guys blew up, I just moved to New York when The Oscars came out. I thought, why wouldn't she want to be famous? What a fucking gangster goddamn move.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
happen what was the last time you were in london uh a little over a month ago for real do you go out back often no it'd be the first time i'd went i've been there in like two three years really yeah and do you like this is the kind of stuff i'd like i'm interested in and i think you'd be interested in but you don't have to share with us if you don't want sure but i'm curious but like do you guys have like a castle like i would imagine your dad your dad your dad uh
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Old school record deals, your mom's dad negotiated them, your mom negotiated them with her dad. That trickle down means, It means your dad stepped in golden shit. Your dad was the luckiest man to be what I would consider a talent, right? One of the best talents.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And your mom came in and slept with your dad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
But your dad, when you think about your dad, like, honestly, your dad's like, I look at him as like a sweet soul, right? Beautiful artist. Guy that was meant to do one thing on this planet and he did it in spades. All the crazy rumors... Today, we couldn't deal with that online, but your dad just like fucking, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
But your mom came in and she took care of your dad and your family in a crazy way. And so I look at your mom as the gangster of the family. Your dad is the, for lack of better words, like the COO, you know?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I'm the race car, baby. Don't ever fucking forget that. But, like, I always think, like, you guys have a couple castles. You have a castle in Scotland. You have a mansion in the... The dungeon, yeah. But, like, do you have a castle? No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
That's pretty fuck you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It definitely is. It definitely is. And it definitely is, and especially it's like for people to know your story. I don't think it's, like sometimes people just empathetically go, yeah, you don't know how hard my life is. And they don't go, yeah, you don't understand. I'm a person too. No, you ready? I got it. I got it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I look at my daughters. My daughters, I leveraged my daughter's anonymity for a career. I talked about them on stage, and I didn't realize what that does to a human when you go into high school and everyone knows who you are and you don't know who they are. Yeah. And I look at you and I go, I mean, that's got to be weird to go to high school and everyone knows you, but you don't know them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I want to hear your honest opinion.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
There's so many ingredients in there I wouldn't ever fucking eat.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It looks good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
A lot of it is dripping out of the bottom. I can see it losing its integrity.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Hold on, hold on. You just got to ignore this. Ignore that. I thought it would be falling over. I thought it would be falling over, too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah, and it's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It feels like that. Well, here, let me cut it open for you, and you tell me what you think, okay? Okay? It's like an episode of Chopped. Except I can't cook. I beg to differ.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Here we go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Ooh, look at that. I'm in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Listen, they're not all home runs. Tim Dillon did not like what I made for him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I made a mayonnaise-covered salmon.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And he was like, it's fucking disgusting. And it was pretty bad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It just needs to be good. And I'm not going to say it's going to be good. I believe it will be good. I have all the faith. I think you're like, do you like Mediterranean food? I do. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah. Do you not like that stuff?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
We can also make that plate for you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
This is the worst is watching you finger that over to the side and know that people go, it's collapsing, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You put sugar in this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Steak? Yeah. Hang on. I just fucked Jack's pieces up. Hold on. Here we go. There we go. Jack, here you go. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Flavor-wise, it's not bad. Flavor's good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You put sugar in this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I'm gonna finish this recipe. I need to wash them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
After World War I, they signed the Treaty of Versailles, and it basically caused World War II. Yes. They took away the balls from Germany. Yes. And as a British person, I think Churchill was the first person to say, like, yo, we're fucking this up. This is not going well for us. No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
God damn it. All right, what do you think about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry? Not a fan. Of who? Either one of them. I'm a fan of Prince Harry and not of Meghan Markle. Okay. Listen, I'm a ride or die for Prince Harry.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
He just whines about his family constantly. No, but he's just pussy whipped. He just got a chick who's hotter than he ever thought he was going to get.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Why have I been on this team this whole time? Hold on, hang on. So wait, read this to me. So like, fuck. He could have gotten anyone, couldn't he?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
So if Meghan Markle and British and Prince Harry want to do a podcast with you, do you do it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And then he goes, Jack Osborne. I went, oh, fuck, how did I not recognize you? It was crazy. We giggled for that for so long. But it's, anonymity is, like, crazy. Okay, here's what I'm making. This is Baba Ganoush. I'm making Baba Ganoush for you guys, and I am making, I'm making something I've seen on the internet. I'm on a Instagram fast right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Wow, that's so crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I'm just a girl standing in front of a door. Ugh. It's a good movie. It's a good movie. If you could remake one movie that would retell your life, what would it be?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Like, if you go, this is the quote-unquote Bert Kreischer story, and this is retelling my life, and it's a movie everyone's seen, that you go, that's who I've been my whole life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It's a great question, but a really good question. Give me some time. I'm gonna start. Okay, thank you. I always think my life is Caddyshack, and I think that I've played every character in that movie at one point in my life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
So I've been Danny Noonan, the young kid that doesn't know better, that gets the fry girl pregnant. That guy. I've been that guy, right? I've been Chevy Chase, the young hot guy, the hot shot, you know, that can make every shot with it blindfolded and cool and slick. And I've been that guy. I've been Bill Murray, the fucking stoner who, you know, on your deathbed you get.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I've been Rodney Dangerfield. I think I'm him right now. That like, hey, nice hat on you. I think I'm that guy right now. And I have definitely been Judge Smales.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah, I've been every single person in Caddyshack. I think about that a lot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Say a movie. Here's how free-form thinking works. Just say a movie and let's pick it apart for you. Okay. What's one of your favorite movies you've ever seen?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Gross Pop Blank.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Who would you be in Alien? True romance. True romance. Who are you in true romance?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Everyone is. How great is that? How great is that? How great is that? You know, that's why Travis Barker named his daughter Alabama.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Of course.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
When he goes into the bathroom at the last minute, he's like, hey, you're a close fuck, baby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Oh, such a great guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It's been two days and I got caught up. I accidentally slept on today. But what I saw was a Middle Eastern birthday cake. And it was all the insides stacked on pitas, baba ganoush, lamb, beef, chicken, all shawarma, covered in hummus. It looked so beautiful. And so I made it as a lark. and it was so wildly good. And so I was like, I'll make it for the gentlemen.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
No, no, you definitely can't. You definitely can't. But the best scene in it is the one you just talked about with Christopher Walken and... Dennis Hopper. What, who? Dennis Hopper, he plays his dad. Dennis Hopper, yeah. We can't tell you what that scene's about, but you can Google it, and it is fucking wild. It's wild. It's wild. Couldn't get written today.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
But do you get a pass in scripted development? Like, when you're writing a script, do you get a pass for the N-word? Do you get a pass to use it artistically?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Because I say yes. I say yes 100%. Some of my favorite movies, you can't write The Django Unchained anymore. You can't write that. We're getting crazy now. That's my opinion. It's not yours. It's my opinion. But artistically, that is a real word that people really use. And if you want to make that real character, then you might have to use that real word. That's real. That's just real.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It's storytelling. And look. Everyone gets to decide if they want to say it or not, but it's like Leo said it pretty wildly, pretty awesome. Just unapologetically. You ever met Leonardo DiCaprio?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Who's the biggest celebrity you ever met that you were like, that's not who I thought that was?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Because you're not like I thought you'd be.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
What do you think Rogan is?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
It's cool, but it also is cool to get on the inside. Yeah. Like... I can listen. I listen to his podcast probably more than I should. But I don't listen with comics at all anymore. I listen just to the stuff he's interested in. So I know him as a guy. So I go like, I want to see what he's interested in is the things I want to be interested in. But man, he lives up to it. He lives up to it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Like he's... He's, I mean, I've said this a million times, but he's one of the best guys in the world. And if you meet him, you just walk away going, like, feeling really fulfilled. Like, you're like, God damn it. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Where you go like, eh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah, Joe's, you'd love Joe. You would love Joe. Especially, like, yeah, you'd love Joe. Especially, like, he loves the stuff you're into, like the supernatural stuff. Yeah. Fucking hardcore fan. Oh, yeah. Your family, amazing. He'd be an amazing hardcore fan. But more importantly, like, The way you see the world. He's been famous probably a little bit longer than you've been famous. Yeah, sure.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I hope you guys don't have dietary problems, cheers. So the show you guys, did you guys meet on the special ops show? Yeah, we did. Can I tell you, I'm not a big reality guy, and I know you've done a couple of them, but that one looks so gangster. It's badass. It is. And it's way hotter than what they show. I'm willing to do it. No, I'm not willing to do it. Do it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And so he sees the world the way you see it. Where it kind of calls bullshit on it and is like, whatever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I'd like to meet her.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah. You follow me. Her brother follows me. I got a list of, like, cool people that follow me. I do. Then, like, I go, like, oh, that makes me feel good. Yeah. Phineas? Get him on here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Alright, the episode's over. I just farted. I just farted. I love you guys. Thank you guys for doing this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Hey, something's burning.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
That's what I do because I go, I like testing my mettle. You should do it. And it seemed like legit. Who was it that did the jump off the bridge and it looked like she broke her fucking back?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Something's burning.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Maybe the first one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
New Zealand is otherworldly, isn't it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Something's burning. Jack, you've been, you're not partying, right? No, no. You've been sober for a long time. Nearly 22 years. What? Yeah. 22 years? Yeah. 22 years? Yeah. But do you believe in the stuff that you got in your DNA?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Can I tell you, I would love that. I would love, I love restrictions. I love restrictions. I love when you go... Here's the deal. This is all you're getting. And then I go, cool, no choices. The hardest part of dieting, and I know me and you probably struggled. You were younger. It's the most horrible time to struggle with your weight. It's on camera in front of the world.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
And acne embraces the whole thing. But it's crazy – I would diet, and I would go into like, see what I could eat, and I would just go like, too many options, and then I'd get overwhelmed. I'd go, I just won't eat. And it would turn into like a weird bit of an eating disorder, where I was like, I guess I don't eat today. You know? So I love restrictions. You wouldn't do the show?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
No, I'd do this show in a heartbeat.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I fucking love Jojo Siwa.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I love Jojo Siwa. I was a fan of Jojo Siwa back in the day, like before all the stuff that's now. And I ran into her in an airport. She's a tall young lady. Yeah, she's fine. She's tough as shit. Yeah. That chick is tough. I was bumped into her like we were in the hockey hitting boards. We were walking into an airport. I was like, whoa. She was like, hey. I was like, hey.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
She'll fuck you up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah, she was cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
She took a picture for my daughters. Ah...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah. Adrian Brody? No. Or Brody Miller?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
He's awesome. He's a badass. I fucking love that guy, too. Yeah. Brody was great. Tara Reid. Tara Reid.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I fucking love this cast. Dude, Tara Reid, is she still a party?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah, I do, but... Oh, thank you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Do people tap out?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
People tapped within the first day. Here's where I draw my line, okay? I'm super fancy. Like if there's a kid that's like 23 years old and he's like, hey man, I'm gonna have you stand over here and I'll tell you when I can come get you. That's when I start melting down.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You got kids, you got a wife, you got your life going on. And then all of a sudden you got a 22 year old going, Keep going, I'm sorry.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I just grab one, throw it in the microwave for like two minutes, three minutes, two minutes, and boom, you have a healthy meal that fills you up. It's a no-brainer, especially if you're single. If you're single, this is what you should do. Get skinny, find your chick, and do it with Factor. Eat smart with Factor. Get started at factormeals.com slash factorpodcast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
I just signed up for something the other day and I can't remember what it was. And I remember they're like, try our free trial. And I was like, oh yeah. And then they're like one year, $79.99. And I was like, you know what? Rocket money will take care of that for me. These subscriptions are there and we're not using them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
So like, I know you're akin with the whole Bravo thing. I can't imagine a lot of special ops guys are. But I can imagine they'd do the read real quick and be like, ah, we're going to fucking destroy this guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Like, what am I saying to these guys? You know, what you do is my fastball. Pop culture?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
No one sees this in me, but this is the shit I get into. Like, back in the day, I'd go to Entertainment News and I'd read Entertainment News first.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yes, yes. A lot. Pain pills sneak up on you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
By the way, that's the most rock and roll thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Your family is my lighthouse in the fog. Really? Yeah. What?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
Yeah. Borderline, borderline, and I'll say this. You don't have to deny it or say anything. Borderline created it. A certain genre, sure. We participated.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Hot Gossip + History Lessons with Jack Osbourne + Nick Viall | S4 E25
You'll never know what it's like to grow up as a kid my age where you couldn't curse in front of your family and to see them curse in front of their family and be like, This is wild. And as someone who's like, you know, obviously talked about my family so much on stage and kind of like used my family as a vehicle for success or for standup or whatever. Like I always look, I look at your mom.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Complete Chaos with Luenell and Kathy Griffin | S5 E08
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
What's up, everybody? I've got some shows coming up. February 8th in New Orleans at the UNO Lakefront Arena for the big game. That's Saturday night, not Sunday night. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil, and huge surprise guests. Then in Vegas in March, 28th and 29th at Resorts World Theater. And finally, oh, Canada. I'm coming to you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
What was the Norm elevator joke? Do you know the Norm elevator joke? No. He goes, my dad, I'm piecing this together, so I apologize. He goes, my dad, from the country, wasn't really, you know, he was an older guy, and my mom was a big old fat lady, and we went into the city, big city, and my dad sees an elevator for the first time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Bones and afraid. I'll put on glasses so he thinks it's a mirror.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
He can't really get his hand around it, and all of a sudden, this old fat lady walks into the elevator, and the door's closed. My dad hits a button, door's open, a beautiful woman walks out. My dad goes, buddy, go get your mom. On 9-11, on the day COVID hit, stay-at-home orders were on the 13th, right? I think. In L.A. Here it was a little different.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
On this episode of Breaking Bones. The Bobby version. Let's see if he, we can. Bobby's broken bones. Bobby's broken bones. He asked me, I did an interview with him and he goes, are you just doing this interview to get press or are we friends now? And I went, we're friends. So I text him every now and then.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
March 13th, though. I had planned a big show. I do this call and stick to work show where I go to the comedy clubs at like 10 in the morning. We do a show at noon. Tell everyone, don't go to work. Call and stick to work. Come see a show. Everyone day drinks. It was probably the most successful thing I ever did for a long time. And I got everyone going up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
It's Sebastian, Norm, Spade, Rogan, every comic. Tommy, Eliza, Whitney, everyone is doing it. I have a list of 25 comics doing it. We're doing it the day my special drops, March 17th. And Norm's on the list. And then stay-at-home orders hit, and we cancel the show. And March 17th at 10 o'clock in the morning, I get a call from Norm. hey, are we still on for this show?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I said, Norm, the club's not open. And he goes, why? I said, it's stay-at-home orders, Norm. And he goes, huh? I said, the coronavirus. He goes, what's that? I said, Norm, there's a pandemic. They're not letting us use the club. And he goes, so we're not doing the show? I said, no. And he goes, well, okay. I guess I'm the only one that'll be there then. That's it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You could never tell if he was fucking with you, which made him so fucking funny. I talked to him three times, and then on a DM when he got canceled for saying retard or whatever, which was the funniest cancellation. Yeah. the funniest cancellation. Do you remember this? No. He says something about homosexuals or something and they go, Norm, we just need an apology.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
He goes, I'll go on Stern and I'll apologize. He goes, obviously, I don't have a problem with gay people. What am I, retarded?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And then he went on The View and ate mince the whole time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
He was so... What a troll, dude. What a fucking troll.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I found your son, that's right, that's right. Dude, so good. Yeah, who's like your norm in country music? Where are Knives at in this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
The guy who's got the fucking great stories. Every story you have with that guy is like, dude.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Fuck, yeah. Dude, Dylan, dude. That's a guy that doesn't care if he gets herpes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You know what the worst is for a comic? Because you can play that song, you can post it nine times, and people just love watching it again and again. As a comic, you go on Rogue and you tell a story, and then you go and tell it on another podcast, and people are like, dude, he's told that story twice.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
He'd be like our Ron White.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I mean, I'm obsessed.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You know, you have those things in life where it kind of puts you into a better direction. And I was cocky, and I thought I'd gotten development deals and TV shows, and I knew what I was doing. What do you need me to do? Oh, yeah, potatoes. I knew what I was doing, and I got you. And then... And my wife's a redneck, like real. Discipline your dog with a shovel.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You know the rednecks that don't know you can't hit dogs anymore?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
That's her family. My wife is an actual Hatfield. Like an actual Hatfield. Straight lineage? Straight lineage. Not just the people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And by the way, they still are that fucking angry.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Dude. I haven't talked to her mom in 20 years.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
That's a hat feel for you. That's a bloodline right there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
She goes, I want to go see the Blue Collar Comedy Tour in the movie theater. I go, babe, I'm not going to watch that shit. I'm like a professional comedian. She's like, well, this is what I want. So we go watch it. And it's like, it's good. Like, Larry's a straight up joke guy. Oddly enough, Jeff and Bill are who I kind of identify with the most. Because they're family men.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
They talk about their family. I'm a little dirtier, obviously. But Ron White goes on stage. And I'm like, who the fuck is that? I've never seen him. When he did Tater Salad, I sat in that chair. You could not get me out of my fucking... I was like, this is what I'm going to do. This is how I'm going to... I'm a storyteller. I've always been fucking around with stories. I'm a storyteller.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I'm going to fucking write stories. So we go. So I tell the machine. It gets big. So we go. I'm in Rogan's Club at the Mothership.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And I'm just doing a... I'm doing like a running... Just doing fucking around time. And they start chanting the machine. And I see Ron White in the rafters, like up in the balcony. And I go, guys, I'm not going to do it. And they're like, come on, do the machine. And I go, guys, I'll tell you what. I'll do the machine if Ron White comes down and tells Tater Salad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And you're like, hey man, not everyone watches everything I do. There are guys that hate watch you, and they just watch everything. everything you do, and I go, yeah, I had one teacher who died in a motorcycle accident. It's a cool story.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And they're like, Ron White's here? And he goes, fuck it, I'm in! Comes downstairs, I FaceTime my wife, right? So she's gotta FaceTime, she's watching it live. Ron White's like, man, I haven't told this story, and this is, and so he kinda, like, it was fun watching him figure it out. It murders. And he goes, now go ahead and tell your story.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And he gives me the mic, and I realize, I can't follow it. My story's not that good. But your story exists because of your... Because of those people. Yeah. Those like pivotal... It's crazy to think that there are children right now who you will influence that will then make great music also.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah, Chris Knight's, like, one of my favorite. Like, how would I know those guys? Is there anything?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I love the thing that... I say country music, but it's just music, really. But the thing that's beautiful is the... When you hear a line like that where you go, oh, I identify with that. I identify with that. Like... I just heard this morning your song... Getting Gone. Oh, yeah. And I was like, and I mean, it was just like random.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
With fucking Snoop. And Snoop is listening to you sing your unreleased song like this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
How spicy do we like food? I like spicy. Done. I fucking, I said one time I was in Vegas.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Winnipeg, Halifax, Calgary, and Vancouver. It's me, Whitney Cummings, Miss Pat, and Derek Stroop. Go to purrpurrpurr.com for all of them. There are similar characteristics in Vicodin that you'll get when you take a bite of a pepper.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I said to a black woman making my wings in Vegas, she goes, sugar, how spicy? I said, make me regret them. She goes, I like that. I like that. But that was a great country song, make me regret these. We now have a child. We now have a child together. I'm sending him to college. I probably shouldn't get too much stuff.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
There's... But there's like four or five lines in that song that as I'm listening, I've only listened to it like four times. And because you got the ones on the, you have the tracks on your Instagram and then you have it with Snoop. The one watching you sing it with Snoop. I mean, that's the fucking music video.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
But I'm shooting A-Rod up with steroids. I get it, Mom.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
But wait, let's go through Southern accents. So I listen to you on Bobby Bones. You're Georgia. And it's because it's a rounder, like a har-be-be, har-be-be, har-be-be, har-be-be. Like that's a Georgia accent. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Is it weird for me to say that like, this is just, That like, you're hearing that song, I went, oh, I don't think we've scratched the surface of where you're going writing on this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I really feel like, I mean, that song is just, there is, it is sincerely a southern song, but it is genre-less in that you're watching Snoop bobbed like it's hip hop. Right. It was really fucking badass. Yeah. It was really fucking badass.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Oh, you're talking about F.A.S.?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. And then North Carolina is like borderline homosexual.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. The whole state.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
It's funny because I think sometimes it's that one lyric that'll get you into the song. What was the one you had? Fuck me. My memory's so bad. I watched you. It's... Fucking... God damn it. I think you played it on Bobby Bones.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I think so, yeah. You said, no, this is the loop. This is the chorus, but this is the loop. God damn it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I don't know. I'm a fan of Bobby Bones, so I watch his show. He's been a good dude to me. He likes you a lot. What kind of pepper is this? That's a habanero. Habanero. They're pretty spicy. Yeah, eat the whole thing right now. I'll go to my history. I'll tell you exactly what it was.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
100. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I thought you were going to be a man and go for 10. God, I mean, fuck that. Do you know I will be up... all night shitting blood. So then you should make your number bigger. I think it's 100 then. I, there are similar characteristics in Vicodin that you'll get when you take a bite of a pepper.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I was on North Carolina. Boy, boy, come hither. Could you for a second? Come hither. We had a buddy whose dad was from North Carolina, and the drunker he got, the gayer he sounded.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
A thousand. Oh, my God. These Johnny cakes are pretty fucking interesting.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I thought it was a one. Hey, can we get two more drinks, please?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
It's Porosos, available in Safeway in Northern California.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Or, well, he owns it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. Okay, now explain fishing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
No, it's so funny. You know, golf is, I have a hard time playing golf with other men because I've only played golf with my dad all growing up. So for me, it feels weird to play golf with someone because I go, I don't know, it's just not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
So I have sneaky skill sets where people go, oh, I didn't know you could do that. And fishing is one of them. I grew up on a lake. I grew up fishing. But our fishing was all... Honestly, I'd be dead serious. We just were performing at some Hiawassee, Georgia.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
For real? We went into a bass fishing shop, and they were like, they made Moonshine for me. So we were just going to pick it up. The guy's like, you guys interested in fishing at all? Because we were right on the lake. We were at the fairgrounds there. Did you play that little theater?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
The Loretta Lynn used to play there. Her guitar is on the wall.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And so we fished off the shore there. But he gave me some rods, and I love... There's something very primal for me. It's almost like scratch-off tickets. It's like you go... And you're like... Fuck it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
It really is. You know who's a huge fisherman? Randy Moss.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Can I tell you a lyric I really love and it made me cry? Ooh. It's amazing. When you get old, my age, I'm 52. Man, emotions are on your fucking sleeve. Do you think it's because you have kids? No, I think it's because life's almost over.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I mean, sad, sad, but it's really true. I think you look at it and you go, I remember.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah, right now I'm at like three o'clock. Yeah. But it's not happy hour yet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
It's not happy hour yet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
That's... You want to fucking... You want to get a bunch of... There's a lyric... Did you bring your guitar? I did. No. You know I rented guitars. I have guitars here. What's so funny is I was like... I'm so stupid. I was like, they don't make left-handed guitars. Just switch the strings. And then I was like... I saw you play. I was like, oh, they totally make left-handed guitars. They do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, hold on. So wait. So... Leigh-Anne's obsessed. I mean, Leigh-Anne's obsessed with two people, Dwight Yoakam and Sturgill Simpson.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Sturgill Simpson's got a song called Scooter Blues. Have you heard it? It's pretty great. But the line in there is... And we went to his concert, and he said that he... I guess he wrote his album, and the person who produced it was like, hey, man, this is a really depressing album. He's like, do you have, like, one song that could lighten it up?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
So he wrote Scooter Blues about, like, going to the islands and fish until you fill up the grill, and... But the line is, that I love, is he said... When they ask, are you him? I'll say not anymore. Oh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
That's like, I was like, dude, to get to a place where you really kill ego, you go to a place, you go to a place where you are just a regular person, again, like you were when you were a kid. Right. And you don't go in thinking anything. And it's so hard. And I know you know this. It's so hard. Once that ego fills, it's so hard to deflate it and make it regular for everyone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Anyone who says it's not, they're lying. It's so hard because it's real. You're a regular person. But to be able to go back to that and go back to zero, And I just was like, that's like, maybe that's the goal. Maybe the goal is to fucking, maybe this business is a bank robbery. and we take as much money as we can while they're serving it, and then get the fuck out. And deflate. And deflate.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And go, dude, I made it out clean. It's heat. This business is fucking heat. Can you walk away clean? And you remember when Val Kilmer goes up to the thing, and he looks at his wife, and she shakes her head, and he just leaves. Yeah. That's the fucking business.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Now, this is a recipe I've only seen online. So I'm dying to see how it tastes, how it turned out. And it's going to be hot as shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. Holy shit. And you can dip your Johnny Cake in it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Oh, you ever see that family on Instagram that eats with their hands? Yes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
It's so fucking hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
What's up, Primal?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
When you run a train on it and you get everything in the mouth at the same time, it's really fucking good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
The equivalence of grits in the North is scrapple.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Have you ever had scrapple? I've never heard of it. Hey, we should make scrapple. Scrapple's fucking wildly good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I'm from Florida. But my whole family grew up in Philadelphia.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah, the grits are great. My whole family grew up in Pennsylvania and Philadelphia. But we grew up in Tampa.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Do you care about money? Yes. I do. I do a lot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I wrote a joke about it. My wife's from the South, and you can tell because she'll use two words to describe one thing. She goes, that's an ink pan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
But you seem to know more about money.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Nonetheless, yeah, dude, it's simple. This is why I don't write country music. I woke up this morning thinking I had a stroke. That rhymes with boat, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And then I smiled in the mirror and realized I didn't.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah, of course. I woke up, I slept on my one side of my arm real long. And it was like dead.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And I was like, great, I had a stroke. I was like, and I spent the whole morning doing this and then going, all right, what's more taxing? My brain or the fact that maybe I had a stroke? I was like, my brain is exhausting. I can't trust him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
The number one thing that happens is pills.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You'll fall asleep on a fucking arm and it'll be like, it'll be a while. Hours. Hours.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Holy shit. That's one of my fears. Me and my cousin Andrew talk about it all the time. That and Bell's Palsy. Every time I'm getting ready for a big show, I go, what if I wake up with Bell's Palsy?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
and like we've already paid for everything and I'm just gonna be like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
No, this is, I'm telling you man, the flavor's hard to describe. It's so good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah, it's a jerk chicken soup.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
We got Hattie B's last night. She'll light you up. Oh, man. How far up did you go? The best one was the old school. Prince's.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And Bolton's. And Bolton's. So I went to Bolton's. Bolton's is right down the street from where we are right now, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
So I went to Bolton's. I walk in. I'm the only white person in there. Duct tape seats. Yeah. Yeah. Little shit. She said, what can I get you? And I said, I'm going to get the hot one. She goes, nope. Yep. What else do you want? I said, no, I want the hot one. She goes, I'm not serving it to you. I said, what? I go, I like spicy. She goes, no, this is too spicy for you. I'll give you mild.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I went, well, no, I like spicy. She said, honey, I'm not giving it to you. It's too spicy for you. I said, I'll tell you what. Let me buy the mild. I'll have the mild. But can I try the hot? I just want to try it. She goes, oh, yeah, I'll serve you both. So she sells me both. And I... I didn't realize the entire restaurant's watching me take a bite of the hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And as soon as I taught it, I went, and then fucking lost it. And that, I mean, that is the hottest chicken I've ever had in my life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
This broth is fucking awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
All right, let's make a new drink. Rachel, for me, please. What would you guys play if you could play? What would you want to play? I'm going to play Getting Gone. Are you really? Yeah. Are you fucking serious? Fuck yeah. You haven't heard this yet. No one's heard this in this room. Oh, fuck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I fucking... I love that song. I love... Dude, I love that. I love the fucking song you did, the hip-hop song you did on... It was Blacked Out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Will you want to play something?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Absolutely. You know, this is my favorite thing. When we started doing podcasts, there was no idea that you'd ever have musicians come on and play. That was just like, you're boys, you sit around, you break balls, you make fun of each other, that's it. I love this aspect of the podcasting, of the cooking show and everything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
We're in an Airbnb in Nashville. I'm here with Travis and Ernest. We are making souse today.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And I don't know where anything fucking is. A plate.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And tongs. Sauce is, so I told you, I'm an Instagram guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I hope the internet clips that out so that it's just you singing to me out of context. And me closing my eyes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I was like, if I could just get a luster. I started crying because, I mean, the two things I think is, you've
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. The line about, you know, getting old, lines in the face, hair's getting gray, and it's like crazy that, I don't know, whatever. I caught that. I was like, oh, I'm not going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I'm not going. She's on an airplane. Maybe it'll crash. Anyway. We should end this on a great cover, like a Leonard Skinner, something epic that...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Oh, my God. Hey, guys. Cheers.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
By the way, this song you're about to play was my introduction to country music.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Ninth grade. Now, 10th grade, we went to the Sundome in Tampa, and I got the shit kicked out of me by a woman. She beat the fuck out of me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
No, it's like South Florida. South Florida, okay. It's like a Caribbean dish, and it's chicken, potatoes, and it usually comes in like a styrofoam cup. They sell it on the street. It's fucking outrageous. A little spicy, and then I'm going to make grits with it and Johnny Cakes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
She was a 23-year-old woman. She beat the fuck out of me. Fuck, yeah. At a Hank Jr. concert? At a Hank Jr. He got his name out. He's a grown-up now. All right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
This is Leanne's favorite verse right here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And we're going to do cheese grits, but right now I'm just searing the chicken. This will have to cook for like 45 minutes, so we'll sear the chicken, get everything in there, let it simmer, and then I'll make the other stuff. Drink, talk. Drink, talk shit. One of the best interviews I've ever done. And you're the reason I started researching people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
So when Leanne sings that song, she goes, and some dude's trying to give me friction. She goes, she corrected Jelly Roll on this. She goes, it's correction. Correction. He's giving me correction. And I go, I think they know the lyrics. Because it's correction. They're going to give me correction. And I was like, okay, whatever. But hay saw bones. What a fucking... Hay saw bones. Hay saw bones.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
So good. Just such a way... Just sizzling down to what the fuck you are. Saw bones.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Beach nut is so bad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
It's so bad. Beach nut is not... Like, Redman's the one. Redman is golden blend. Levi Garrett gold. Oh, they used to make Red Man Totems, which were fucking perfect. But Beast Nut's like... I got one for you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Because when I was doing the interview with you, I was like, what do I talk about? I know we have a lot of common friends, but I should do some research. And I started writing questions down, and the number one thing I did was listen to music. I listened to music, and for listening to music, I was like, oh, God. You get to know an artist.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. Fucking A. Fucking A. Guys. This is a fucking amazing episode. Buddy, I'm so glad I fucking met you. I'm being serious. I'm so glad I met you too. You know we connected the first time we met. And they said to me, they go, hey, Ernest wants to bring Travis. And I went, whatever he wants, whoever he hangs out with is the motherfucker. I want to meet him. And buddy, you are fucking legit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
This has been a blast. Hell yeah. A dream episode. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Are we making cocktails?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And it's, and I was, I was, my favorite song you have. I love this song. I mean, I like everything that's over 12 million views. It's obviously great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
That's about two of them. He's a record holder.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. What do you drink?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
After a few. After a few.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
That's a glaring endorsement. I drink a Jack and Dot, but I'll try that vodka.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
They should have had... We used to have... We used to have... The Friars Club, where all the comics would go and hang out, they should have something like that for country music artists. We're going to. Really? Oh, I know what you're talking about. God damn it. I know what you're talking about. You see what it is now? God damn it. Dude, I got turned on to that fucking golf course. Yeah, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You know this, what's it called? I hear Kid Rock's Backyard. Yeah. Troubadour.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
How much longer are you in town? I think Leanne's going to try to look at a lot there. Good. I mean, we're just going to buy a lot and never move on to it and just go play golf there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Oh, yeah, we've talked about this. I got pissed at by these guys that have a golf podcast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And they were telling me about the best place they've ever golfed in the world. Yeah, true. And as they're telling me, I go, hold on. Is this in Nashville? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, shut the fuck up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
But it's like when I hear these names, like your father-in-law fucking... Keith Urban, like, all these names, it's like, they all seem cool. They all seem like cool dudes, like fun, ball-busting guys. Oh, yeah. It would be cool to have a place where you could just, I don't know, pit brains.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
All right, real quick. Let's go through the Southern accents, okay? Because I'm obsessed with this. I was listening to you on Bobby. Let's break down Bobby Bones.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
This episode of something's burning is brought to you by the sexiest thing in my kitchen. Graza. Everyone knows I love food and lately was taking my food to that next level of flavor and
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
is graza graza is my olive oil of choice without a doubt i love this stuff it is top-notch extra virgin olive oil at an affordable everyday price but quite honestly graza you could charge through the nose and i'd still buy your product because it is that good you right now you listener you're going to get 10 off your first order of any olive oil on their site But let me tell you something.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
I wholeheartedly recommend their starter kit. The Graza starter kit, you're going to receive two squeezy bottles of olive oil, a sizzle for cooking, and a drizzle for finishing with an extra kick of flavor. It goes amazing on cauliflower pizza. I will just simply say that. Plus, they include two refill cans. So if you run out of olive oil, there's no need to go buy a whole new bottle.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Graza makes it easy to be eco-friendly with their refill cans that are perfectly portioned for the sizzle, which is a bigger bottle, and the drizzle, which is a little bit smaller squeeze bottles. You can also find their bottles and refill cans on shelves, as I did the other day at Target and at Whole Foods. They're right by you. You can pick them up there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Both the squeezy duo and the refill can seal in freshness and block out light to maximize flavor and quality. This is what I love about this product, okay? Now, you know I'm a big cooker. I've been always cooking. You had two choices with olive oil.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You had the big thing where you had to put your thumb over the top and hope you portioned it properly over food, or you had the one when the terracotta thing where you were on the olive oil's timeline. You would flip it over, and it would go good, and then you go good, This is a squeeze bottle. You are like a professional chef.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Bobby Bones is one of the biggest radio guys in the fucking world.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
You ever seen the professional chefs where they have their own little bottles? Well, Graza's done that for you, and you squeeze it out. The drizzle is the one, man. The drizzle's the one. The sizzle, it's the only olive oil I use. I've gotten rid of all of the olive oil in my house and replaced it with Graza simply because of their delivery system and their taste.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Those two, for me, it's a no-brainer. So head to Graza.co and use code BURNING to get 10% off your Graza starter kit. That's the one I think you should get. and get to cooking your next chef-quality meal. It's not your fault. The whole world is trying to spend your money. There's streaming apps, there's delivery fees, there's tips on self-checkout machines these days.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
He really is huge. I called into his show one time. I wonder if he'd answer FaceTime. He would. I bet he won't.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Acorns lets you invest with the spare money that you get right now. Like you can start saving $5 or even your spare change. Everyone in this office uses it. Every single person in this office uses it. And Halston, how much are you saving? I'm being dead serious. $1,200 a year. Halston makes no money. I don't pay him anything. And he's made, he saved $1,200 a year.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Head to acorns.com slash burning or download the Acorns app to start investing and saving for your future today. Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier 1 compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors, an LLC, LLC, and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash burning. But it's cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Really, honestly, the only thing I can relate, what's happening in country music right now, or happening in Nashville, rather, is when we started podcasting. And all of a sudden, it was like... you were stepping on everyone's podcast and everyone was helping each other out. And it was like, it was like, it was like, there's big, like, uh, I don't know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
Yeah. And you'd sit backstage at the comedy store and it would be like the greatest names and stand up sitting in there. I mean, Norm MacDonald. Oh God. Rest his soul. Norm Macdonald's sober, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
And Rogue, everyone's in there. I mean, like Spade, fucking Rogan, me, Burr, fucking Tommy, Joey Diaz, Ari, everyone's in there. Everyone's in there. Norm Macdonald comes in, and he's like, hey. I remember I'd gotten off stage, and he was standing. He was going to go next. And I didn't really know him. And he's just crying laughing. And I go, hey, Norm, I'm Bert. And he goes, shirtless. Shirtless.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
He kept saying, shirtless. Shirtless. And he goes on stage, and he goes, shirtless. And so we go backstage, and he takes Joe Rogan's vape pen. He goes, hey, Joe, what's in this? And he goes, it's weed. Someone's like, Norm, you're sober. And he goes, ah, it's just weed. And he goes, you know, I want to tell you a story about Bill Clinton. And he hits it, and he takes it, and he holds it in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Sing-A-Long With Ernest & Travis Denning | S4 E20
He holds it in. He exhales, and he goes, he raped a woman. And he walks out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This show is sponsored by Cigars International. Cigars International is the ultimate destination for premium handmade cigars. Known as the industry leader, Cigars International offers the largest selection, unbeatable prices, and a customer service experience that is second to none.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Green goddess chopped salad. Leanne loves Chipotle-style chicken burrito bowl. Bro, I mess up a burrito bowl. I don't even feel like there's calories in it perfectly. And cauliflower is my go-to. Ever since I've been on keto, they have a five-spice cauliflower that is almost as good as their honey garlic glazed meatballs. You can easily swap out or remove recipes with a tap. Just a...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
The Permission to Party World Tour kicks off September 18th in Rockford, Illinois. The 19th in Milwaukee. The 20th in St. Paul, Minnesota. The 21st in Duluth, Minnesota. Followed by Eugene, Oregon, September 28th. Avoid scalpers and go to BurtBurtBurt.com to get your lowest ticket price.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
and auto-generate grocery list based on your meal, meaning, hear me out, you can take a look at your meal, it's this easy, and you can click a button, and it'll send that meal to Target, and it'll buy that meal, and it'll get delivered to your house. There's a lot of places, not just Target, there's a lot of places. It's awesome. You can follow along with step-by-step recipe videos, and...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Use cooking mode so your screen stays on while you cook. I'm telling you, this has made cooking so easy. And if you want to get into cooking, this is a great way to get into cooking. Here's what you're going to do. Try Tastemade Plus for free for seven days right now at tastemade.com slash burning. As a listener, you're also going to get 40% off your first year. Cancel any time. No pressure.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Try it out. Trust me, you're going to love it. I would love to be in a band except for the moment where we get seats on an airplane. I think your stick's about to catch on fire. There you go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
What do you mean? Where were you flying to?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay. Middle seat on an Adderall is not that bad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And you get real chatty. And just people are like, hey, can you not talk so much? And you're like, oh, no, that's not me today. Whoa, that is catching on fire, isn't it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Fuck, that's a hot stick. Well, yeah, it's on fire. All right, next one. Oh, this one's peeking through a little bit. Okay, next ones. Here's what I'm going to do next ones. You ready? I'm going to start getting them ready now. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do them. I'm going to have them like this, but I'm going to do them just wrapped in dough, no stick, sort of like finger foods.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Ooh. Right? Yeah, can we get some more, another round of these? These are pretty good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It smells like shit's catching on fire. It does smell like that. I think something actually is. Cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
What do you mean corn douchey? I don't even understand. You just cut it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's a lot more lowbrow than even I expected.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You're on two hours of sleep?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay, these are turning out pretty good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
They look pretty fucking sick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No cheese is the move.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, should we, okay, that's a good call, right, Stace? I'll put them all, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna cook them all three, all three of the different ones, and I'll keep them in the oven and we'll sample them all together. I think this one's done. Yeah. Right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
uh who's the what's the one dude that we're looking at uh from buffalo 66 why can't i think of his name oh hold on have you seen his website wait no hold on uh hang on stop what's his name i can't buffalo 66 somebody i got a whole group of people in here with computers dude if you what the fuck is his name he got in so much trouble because he made what's her name really suck his dick
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Have you seen the trailer for, like, The Visit?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And he's like... Okay, have you seen the new trailer for Weapon? Shit is wild. Fucking a classroom full of kids in the middle of the night get up out of their beds at 1240 and just fucking leave, and they can't find them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And they all run in the middle of the night.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's a horror movie. Dude, that's going to be fucked. It's going to be fucking crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Fuck me. Watch this, watch this. There you go. There you go. These are a little trickier. Hold on, you should have done the batter first so that we can then... What? What's... Hold on, here we go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Hold on. What's not done? It's not done, use the batter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, fuck, I don't.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This, I need, okay, hold on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I need, I need like something, you know, can you crush those up for me?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Are those possums? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay, we're ready. We're crushed, get a credit card. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Should I do a stick, Stace?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
What?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Stick. I don't think you did that good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, that won't work.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Maybe. Here, let's try stick ayake. And then watch this. Knife under. Dunkaroo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, this is actually turning out pretty good. Holy shit, that's enough? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah, let's hope. It's going to be spicy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I want to see how many French 75s it takes for me to feel.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Vincent Gallo, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's like saying, hey guys, this is my new band. Alex, this band's a bunch of queers. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. A lot of dough on this one. I'm not going to lie to you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Get in here, baby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Whether you're new to cigars or like myself, a seasoned aficionado, Cigars International makes enjoying cigars easy, approachable, and fun. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Thank you, guys. Hey, you guys should write a song called French 75. Yeah. It's a cool name. Yeah, it is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, yeah. Hey. Do you feel amazing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Hold on. Cheers. Yeah. Two years sober. To sobriety. Two years sober. To sobriety, baby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Um, here we go. I'll give you all my ideas for songs, okay? You ready?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah. Uh, I don't have glasses. What would your DJ name be? Uh, DJ Burt Squirts.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'd have, I'd have, I'd squirt, like in the middle, like when it, da-da-da-da-da, here comes the beat, boom, and it's squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Dude, I got to be honest with you. I would love to be a DJ. I don't really understand how it works, though. Do you do original music?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Wait, how do you DJ? Wait, so what did you do? You got your aux cord and your phone in one hand and a microphone, and you're doing this. Hold on. You're doing this. You're going... Wait, what song is this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
That's how you DJ, yeah. Hey, can I get another Dutch 77? Dutch 77. All right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
How insulting. You chalk up $100,000 to fuck Vincent Gallo, and he's like, it's going to be $125,000. And she's like, but I can lose weight. And he's like, it's still gonna be 125. So he won't blow a load in you unless, if it's a million dollars, then he'll blow a load in you. Dude, I gotta tell you, I think this is a brilliant marketing plan. I mean, like, let's price point it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh shit, I got to make beer cheese.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
All right, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to just put these. You should just take it away from you half full. The last time we were off for coke. I feel like this is getting topped off.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Maybe fully submerge that one. There's all the dibs on that one. Well, let me see. Where's our panko? Are we doing more tats today? I don't know where my gun is. I lost it. Yeah, right. Did you do any other ones besides us? Uh, no. Really?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'm here. Yo, do we have it? Where is it, Pete?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
What? He knows where it is? He knows where it is? For real? Yeah. Okay, okay. Let me focus. So I've got a Snickers bar in here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
There we go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, no, goddammit, Stacy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'm trying to get this. If you need it fully wrapped or you're fucked. I think I put it in. Okay, okay, here we go. Come on, baby, get out, get out. Oh, look at this, look at this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, fuck, shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. It's a little wet. Yeah, but it's gonna be hard to tell when it gets brown. That actually does look fucking good. There we go. Look at that. Look at that. I think fucking shit. How's that not melting?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Hey, I didn't think this through clearly. Guys, I thought we were a team.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, the contest. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
So wait, did you guys know he was my cousin? God damn it. Did you know he was my cousin first? No, no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Owen, come on in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Let's go around the room. What's our price point? For what? For having him blow a load? No, no, hang on, no, hang on. Wait, what? What is a better grade? How am I supposed to let Vincent Gallo blow a load in you? What if he thinks it's $500,000? You're like, hold on. We're going to have to renegotiate.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And I thought we could probably play acoustic and get some old school Hop Hobson out here. Those days are not behind you. First of all, you were fucking great. You were great. No bullshit. Just give me one line off of an old song.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
My cousins were all living in Philly when I was a working comic, and they'd all come to the shows, and they all had different talents at different varying degrees. We have one cousin who... who's like borderline one of the funniest dudes in the fucking world. Matt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
He had a Harry Potter joke, and he's like, hey, can you get me on stage? I've got this great Harry Potter joke. And we were like, sure. And so we brought him on stage, and it bombed.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
We thought it was great because we find him fucking hysterical.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
But he's just a fucking lunatic. All right, now I'm going to make a cheese dip, a beer cheese dip.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yes, I am. Yes, I fucking am.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I would stop sitting down, Rachel.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Are you not drinking? I'm not drinking. God damn it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah, no, my cousins. My cousins all quit drinking. Everyone quits drinking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I kind of like the idea that you named your band Alex Sucks and people yell, you suck, and you can't tell if it's a compliment or not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You should call... What are other really horrible names for bands?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
If you want to blow a load in me?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, I cannot wait for you guys to win a Grammy. Oh. and be like, hey guys, the winner is Parking Lot Anal. And then, and Garth Brooks is on stage and he's like, I do like the song, where did you guys come up with the name of the band? And you're like, oh, it's a true story. My buddy got shit all over his jacket.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You're sweating, huh? I'm fucking sweating my ass off. I'm hustling. I'm like a carny freak making goddamn corn dogs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, no, no. Oh, no. Two beers, Stace?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Take the shirt off?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Like, that's another one. Like, I wish I had thought through taking my shirt off on stage.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And yet I'm fucking just going to get older.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, it's not going to be where you want it. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, you didn't use a lot of words right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Allegedly. They were basically going on radio shows, Owen, and admitting to crimes they had committed and just saying allegedly at the end. And I was like, that's not how allegedly works. And gaslighting is more like when, like, a chick makes you feel crazy. He does that to us.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
He's the chick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Wait, which would you rather have him blow a load in your ass or in your mouth?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's the same thing. Gaslighting. Gaslighting is him saying, what did you guys do? Why are you sitting here? That's gaslighting. He's lying. Dude, no, he's a fucking gaslighter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah, that's just lying. That's what it is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Wait, when was the last time you tried to kick a field goal? I don't know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Well, that's number one you'll be shocked at how far you can't kick a field goal.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Hey, if the Dartmouth football team is still in town. The kicker. All you need to do, bring him out to the field, and let's see. And whoever can kick the largest field goal, the person who kicks the shortest field goal, Vincent Gallo gets to blow a load.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, a lot of the reasons people are good kickers is they watch TV about kicking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Wait, where would you like me to go? Anywhere you want, bro. See, I need to hang out with more young people because this is how my brain works.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Wait, who is the best skater here?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Now, that's called a red herring, where you throw a smelly fish, everyone focuses on the fish, and no one focuses on you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I wish I was in a band. I just did this by myself at a bar. You can hop in, dude. I would love to be in a band. When I saw you guys throw the phone in the garbage to go get beers, I would love to have fellow alcoholics at an airport with me as opposed to just me going, are we doing this or not doing this? No one's watching. Let's do this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'll take you guys on the road with me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Just you? Or we should just go drink. What do you do?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Or you can invite DJ. He plays Oz. And I'll DJ, bro. Do you know how easy DJing is? I'll show you how you do it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay, this is what we found out earlier. This is the easiest way to DJ, okay?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
So you go like, you play a song, you go...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Wait, I want to learn how to do it. Shaq DJs. Yeah. Oh yeah. So is, explain DJing to me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
If he was standing in this room, you would not say that out loud. He is so fucking big, his head would be hitting the ceiling. Who? Shaq.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Dubstep sucks.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
How are the fries looking? Yeah?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I know. Can you imagine being at a Republican National Convention and then you're just like, hey, man, you know Vincent Gallo? It's like a million dollars for him to blow a load on you. And some guy's like, excuse me. What about these tariffs? You, like, tariff these nuts and put them in Gallo's mouth. Yeah. Goddamn, are we drinking? Yep.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'm hoping the sausages are done.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah. Shaq's one of the funniest fucking human beings.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Him and Charles Barkley together are fucking hysterical.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Did you hear the one about Charles Barkley saying... When you got a man pushing up on you, you just need to roll off of him. Spin away from it. And he's like, what? What's everyone laughing at?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
The best one ever was when he did the hot chip challenge. What happened? That's a lawsuit. He did the hot chip challenge. He goes, Chuck, I've been wanting to make a face. And they're like, okay. So they put him in the thing, and he gets the chip, puts it in, and he just goes like this. See? Oh, he's got so much money. It's like he's got so much money. How important is money?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Pretty important?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Here, pass these. That's pretty important. That's pretty important. Here, pass these around for you guys. I'm going to bring the corn dogs out. I'm going to pass some fries out to you guys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And then you have ketchup, mustard.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yes, I do. Oh, here. Let me give you guys good knives. Here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah. How's the hot dog? Yeah? What's this one?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Thank you, Bert. No, you don't have to say anything. Dude, corn dogs are the first meal I had where, look, it's cooked perfectly. It's cooked perfectly. Corn dog was the first meal I ever had where I felt like I was stepping out culinary-wise and going like, I'm trying something cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
All right, let's see. I need another 75 Frenchie.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'll have one. Are you drinking? I love that you're not drinking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'm not even feeling them. Okay, hey.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This is going to be fucking crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You like the beer? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's a tough market to get into with booze is beer because people know their beer, but it's kind of a fun beer. All right, you ready for this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah. It counts for me. It counts. It counts. It's a calories account.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Wow, look at that. Look at that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
A Snickers. It's a Snickers. I'll tell you what I'd like to do with that. It's a Snickers. Here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I mean, you don't. Look at that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Cousin's cut. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just had the guts.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Can I get, you know what I want?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
That's so fucking good. Oh, man. Do you remember the first time you ever had deep-fried anything, like, over in Europe? And they were like, we deep-fry pizza. And you're like, huh? And then you're like, why have we not been doing this? Who hates pizza? Are you serious?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
So, do you guys know who Heather Locklear is? Do we already have this conversation? Yes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'm like sweating. Pete, did you find it? The spicy ones?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Surprise tats? Yep.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
A surprise tattoos. I can do that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think, uh, do you remember how much I sweat during the tattoos?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, I did do a tattoo. Yeah, this one. I did a girl in Austin. A beautiful girl in Austin. Cheating on us. Never had a tattoo in her life. If she said, I saw you tattoo those boys, can you do me? I think mine touched up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No way. Sweet, do people come to you from seeing this show? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It happened the day before I saw you guys. She used to drink. She doesn't drink anymore. And then she was with another woman that drinks, didn't drink anymore, Jillian Barbary. And they were like, if I was drinking, I'd drink a French 75. I said, what's a French 75? And they're like, this is the best day drink. One of these and you're set. And I'm like, all right, I've never had it in my life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, I was so freaked out. Can we get another round in here? You want to know a quick funny story?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, here, here, here. Take this one. This is another. This is a Milky Way one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
He's not a big bro. That was my favorite low-key troll I've ever seen. What do you mean?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It is to some people. Wait, what was I just doing high key?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'm gonna have diarrhea. No, you're not gonna have diarrhea.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
We gotta teach you guys more phrases. I like you using phrases incorrectly. Like, it's almost like, I want you guys to go to couples therapy with me and Leanne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
All right. What are some, oh, you got to start calling each other fucking narcissists. That's the new one. People call you a narcissist, but they don't really know what it's mean. And they just say it because, like, Leanna will go, you're a narcissist. I go, why? She goes, you're walking in front of me. I go, that doesn't define narcissism. It just means my legs are longer than yours.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Like, what are you talking about? She goes, no, narcissist, I saw it on the internet. Narcissist, I always walk in front. I go, or the fucking tallest person sometimes. Like, or sometimes they race. Sometimes you're going too fucking slow. Narcissist is a new one. I got, I'll drop it in the next 30.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'll drop it in the next 30. And then what's some other good, hey, someone work for me? What? Do you guys know what hypothetical is? Allegedly, it's the same thing, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, not even.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, no, no, no, yes it is. That is brilliant. So hypothetically, we trust a fan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Hypothetically. It fits. Do you know the ironic is the big one no one gets?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Do you know what, can you define ironic?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. French 75, and it's not just making out with a 75-year-old chick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Hang on. There's no bad answers. Keep going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
That was a little far off, but no, but I like it. I like it. Keep going. What's ironic?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, no, say all your answers with confidence.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
and he's the other way around. Do you know what the term?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Are you actually doing that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No, I said it right. You used it right where you said your intended purpose is the exact opposite. So to be ironic would be like, I don't like alcohol.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think that's like jumbo shrimp.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
That's the right way to say jumbo shrimp.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You guys are an oxymoron. You're a moron.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You guys are an oxymoron. He goes, you're a moron. Okay, I'm not feeling these drinks. I'm being dead serious. Yeah, you guys need some shots.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
He's like, oh, great. What's in this? Gin, Prosecco, lemon juice, and simple syrup. The French 75. This is a French 75. I think these are gonna put us on our ass. Me too. Really? I hope so. I think so. Are they?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
That was awesome. Thank you. That was like, you just graduated summer school good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
We pick each other's and they don't know. Everyone picks the one for the person.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
We all decide, yeah. And it can't be something that, like... Gets you in trouble. It gets you in too much trouble.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
A little narcissism.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
They're both equally as good. Oh, wow. Wow. So we're doing this game, huh? Okay. So wait, okay. I'm honestly stoked to go first.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I really like, wait, can you do one more for another person? Don't show them. These are pretty good. These are really good. Hold on. So. Okay, this is not your tattoo he's drawing right now. This is your tattoo he's drawing right now. All right, all right, I won't look.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
With fast shipping and their 100% satisfaction guarantee, you can shop with confidence knowing that Cigars International stands behind every order. Whether you're new to cigars or a seasoned pro like the B-Man, Cigars International makes it easy to find the right cigar with helpful guides, staff reviews, and expert advice, and that expert advice comes in so handy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Are we sure we're doing this? Okay, so these are there. And now you guys need to collab.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
On Alex's tattoo. So you guys have all kind of seen what's out there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Friends 75.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. What are you? What is this to do? I'm not sweating that much, and I could definitely use another drink. I'm not feeling them at all. Me either.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This is what rich white women drink when they're hiding it. Because what the key is, right? It's like with pills. The coolest thing about pills is you take a pill and no one fucking knows. It's done. It's your secret. You're in the bathroom. There you go. No one knows. I don't know if it happened. I'm not sure it happened. I feel better, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think I might be. Here, look at this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Let's wipe that real quick. Oh, my God. Scrub it. Scrub it hard. Dude, that was pretty fucking good. You know what the beauty of this is? Instead of, like, saying a girl's name, this could be any girl.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think you're done, bro. I think I'm done. I think I'm done. That was it. Let me see. Let me see. Holy shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This could be, the coolest thing is this could be Michelle Obama. This could be Condoleezza Rice. This could be Heather Locklear. Heather Locklear. This is fucking sick. Is it done? Is it good? It's done.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It could be any chick. All right, me next.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I can do it on your face.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And it was so cool about this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
What category? Five. Well, first of all, it's a lot bigger.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah, I think you'll be happy. Here we go. You're already laughing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Well, I would say less what and who.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Across the chin. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
There you go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think it's actually good like that. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Friends 75, you're like, are you having champagne this morning? Yeah, it's Sunday. There's fucking gin in here. Let's go. Cheers.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think it's fucking going to be really happy. She is beautiful.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's like a blow-up doll with a little more personality. Yeah. All right, John, you're up next.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Are we doing that? Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think she'll be extra stoked. This is like saying I'm a good guy without ever saying I'm a good guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Hey, can I get a stool? Do I need a... I want to focus. I want to really focus.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Let's wipe it. Whoa. That's it? That's even better than I thought. That is so good. It's so good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, buddy. That is definitely your best one. Oh, I fucking outdid myself today.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's just you guys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Can I tell you the best part? Huh? The one guy's smiling, and the other guy's just got a straight face. He's like, I'm not enjoying this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I don't know. I mean, I feel like... That's money.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I mean, I thought it was pretty bad. I think it makes you so liberal.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You do a little smaller. Okay, let me see my glasses.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
There we go, there we go. That's perfect, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You got the videos. You're good. Oh, this is going to be so fucking... Dude, it looks fire, bro.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Pretty good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think it really looks good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think it might be good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Water wipe, and I think we're good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I bet those do sneak up on you. Yeah. This is like herpes. It's like six months later, you wake up, you're like, whoa, how did this show up? It's citrusy. When you get herpes, do you know anyone with herpes? My friend has it. Do you get it the first, like you get it right away? I don't think so. You wait. So you could get it from someone and not know?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Dude. All right, are we good?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Look me in the eyes. Take it off. Look me in the eyes. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Bro. Johnny, get your phone. I just labeled you with the coolest brand out there. It's better than Nike. It's better than Adidas. It's better than Puma. It's better than Gibbs and guitars. I hope you like Supreme.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay, let's do it on my Instagram. Where's my Instagram? All right, I need you to vote. Wait, wait. I just gave four tattoos to the boys over at Alex Sucks. I want you to vote who's got the best, all right? Here we go. Number one is basically a blow-up doll. Number two, that could be any woman. It could be any woman. Number three, the happy, unhappy docking couple. And number four? Supreme.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Supreme. By the way, I put the most work onto that one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay, those drinks kicked in. They kicked in. Hey, find them on tour. Alex sucks. They're the coolest dudes. Open invite. Anytime you want to do the podcast, open invite. Next time, you guys each to two me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, guys. Great. Something's burning. Thank you, gentlemen. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
So what if I got herpes right now and I have to explain it to my wife and be like, yo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This is from 30 years ago. She wouldn't believe you. Boys, here's what I'm making you. Holy shit. We're making corn dogs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I love it. I call Diet Coke's DCs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah. So we're going to make, we got three types of corndog. This one's going to be dipped in the batter, covered in sugar, fried, put in the oven to keep it warm. This one is this one. This is chorizo. It's more of a Mexican. We're going to put in some jalapeno into the batter, stir it up, and then we're going to make
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This one, we're gonna dip it in here, we're gonna put french fries in the batter with a little bit of that, shake it up, fry it up, and then we have a dessert corn dog, if you want, with these Snickers dipped in there. I feel like we should just make those, but no, we'll start making them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Both perked up. Dude. So how's the road been? You guys have been having fun, it looks like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I... Being home kind of kills me. Being on the road, my schedule is so dialed in. It's like nap, wake up at 5, do a workout, go to the show, show ends at 10.30, have my first drink. Here it's like, well, okay, why not have a drink? You drink after your shows? I drink after my shows. What's that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Guys, this is French 75. It just came up on the internet. It's a bubbly cocktail made with champagne. By the way, there's no excuse for a man to ever drink a French 75 ever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I'll drink to that. There's no reason for a man to drink a French 75 ever? Okay. Challenge accepted.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I went to their site, and I'm a ring gauge guy, and I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge, and I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. Look me in the eyes. Oh, take it off.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah, the best is bullying someone to drink with you. He does it every day. The best person to ever bully to drink with, without a doubt, is Shane Gillis. He is my favorite person to bully to drink because he's like, no, I'm not doing it. I'm telling you, I'm flying to Dublin in two days, and I need a break. And I go, sure, man. And this is my, I'll read it verbatim.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
These are my fucking texts with him. He goes, I say, hey, come drink with me. And he says, no. And I said, you know, this is my favorite part. And he goes, no, for real, no this time. And I said, I love this more than you saying yes right away is watching you fold. I said, you aren't the man you think you are. What time do you want me to pick you up? He goes, I'm not coming.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I said, should I get you an Uber? And he goes, I'm not drinking tonight. I go, I'm heading over. When will I see you? He goes, I'll be there in five. It's the best. Watching a man fold is just the best. That's him. Do you want to wrap it in cheese first? Shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
By the way, me too. All right, wrap it in cheese. Shove it in. Oh, damn. I'm gonna have to fucking daddy this up. Shove it in. Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Do it, do it. Get out there, you bitch.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Oh, we're losing the cheese. We're losing cheese. God damn it. This seems so much easier when they do it at a fair, right? Dude.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Here, Rachel, Stacy, come here and help me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This, well... Okay, this is... Okay, let's start over.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Let's see if you can do it without the cheese. Let's just see if that works. Yeah, I feel like... And then... Rub it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay. Put the cheese on the outside.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Then another layer. Okay, hold on. And then let's wrap it up on her hair.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And then put it in panko.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
That is a chode. Stacey doesn't know what a chode is. That's guy talk, Stace. I hear. Do you know what a chode is?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
That was a quick answer. I thought it was just like a fat one in general.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
You think that's heated up yet? Let's just do the rest.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
This dough. So I think you get it, and then you just like kind of, yeah, you just mad dog it. It doesn't look like this when they do it at the fair, does it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Yeah, buddy. The blue one? I don't know, I was a pledge at a fraternity and they had us drink Mad Dog R initiation night.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
It's better than Nike.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Leanne's drink of violence is gin.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
Okay, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I know. What, 275?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
I think I spelled.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
And he sits by himself. Why am I not sitting with all you guys? How did I get put in first class?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Drinking Ladies Drinks and Tattooing Man Stuff with AlexSucks | S5 E12
The hardest part about cooking for my wife is not the cooking part. It's saying, hey, what do you want to eat? Planning the meal, picking the meal, knowing what a full meal looks like. We may want steak, but what else are we going to eat with it? Creating your meal plan is now super simple with Tastemade. All you have to do is pick which days of the week you want Thank you so much for watching.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Are you kidding?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Amazing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
A bad experience, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Yeah, players.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
That's right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Oh, okay. I know, I can't wait to see it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
It's just going to go bleh. I can't wait to see it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Is it really? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
She was like two, three, little.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
That sounds exhausting.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
That's a lot of food.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Oh, boy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Yeah, look at that. It is a pizza. Wow. Thank you. Okay. Yeah, look at that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Yeah, yeah. I got you. I got you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
A lot of dough. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Oh, it's really good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
That's good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
Oh, yeah?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
I'd do that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Track and Field and Football with RG3 + Grete Griffin | S5 E3
I do like Jell-O.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
You're from Florida.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
It's a dude with a... Top hat, yes. Top hat. What the fuck's his name? I know the guy. I fucking know the guy. He's got, like, bite marks all over him. He's got no thumbs, no pinkies, no legs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Oh, he's immune. Sounds like he's...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
You realize what else I've said. I didn't fucking say that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Okay, okay. Or I get in the pool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Oh, my God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
That's good shit. You like spicy? Sure. Fuck yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
I'm joking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Let's go! One more, one more. Can we get another round, please? I'm coming to the edge. Can't run them high heel. That's cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
I don't know how big ass.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
I'm still crying. I'm still crying.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Shake...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Have we done a... Oh, we did a first Jim Creed. Let's play hard. Let's do hard. I don't know. Higher, higher, higher. Higher is the song. Higher is the song.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
So this is a costume where they actually live the bear.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
What's up with your phone, George? Hey, show him these other two bears over here. My screen's fucking broken.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
Their hair.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Berty Boy + The Three Bears | Hardy, Koe Wetzel, + Stephen Wilson Jr | S4 E24
The hair.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
And it kept falling.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
22.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
And you're like, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Really?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Oh, yeah. What is it? It's chicken liver. Oh, okay, I'm fine with that. That's good. This is actually excellent. I need a new job. Mmm.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Damn. Damn, that's good. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I gotta be honest with you, the rice is fucking phenomenal.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Yeah, the stick one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: To Drink Or Not To Drink with Steve Furey and Craig Conant | S4 E15
Yeah.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
And she had the grace to give me a chance. And now we have a third kid on the way this summer. Shut up.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Shit's a little intense. Yeah, that was a lot.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Think I was way more fun. I was more like emotionally destructive to myself, but like I was the guy Drunk on New Year's and I'm in New York City. I go to a pizzeria and I'm just like take my card everybody You're on and just you know buy everybody pizza for 30 minutes and wrap 200 bucks.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I'm sober as fuck, yeah. Yeah, I almost relapsed walking into your foyer, man. Holy shit. That's a good one. A lot of business out there. I'll just sip this guy. I'll take a non-alcoholic beer once we have our meal meal.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I think I was fun, but I was also very emotionally distraught. Like I wasn't handling my shit. And then once you, by the way, I don't vilify any of it. I love Cabernet. I love scotch. I love marijuana. But I don't have any pause button, dude. I just want to...
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Another one. Another one. That's how I was with everything. So I'm sober from porn, alcohol, and marijuana. You can have a problem with porn? I didn't have a problem. I wasn't whacking off on the subway. But I mean, like, I was... Shout out to Jared Fogle. That was nice. That was a fucking bar. That's a line. By the way, when am I getting that biopic? Jared Fogle, give me that BAFTA.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I very much just don't like what it does to men's minds. We redefine the way we look at women if we have this unrealistic... You mean we hold them to a standard that they should hold themselves to?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Don't tell us. Show us.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah, there's also a thing of like. When was the last time you jerked off? Well, I still do that on occasion. Okay, so that's not the problem. No, no. Okay, good, good, good. I think of my life that I love when I jerk off rather than think about, you know. Well, it sounds like she's given you a lot to work with. I'm really happy for you. Honestly, you should shut the fuck up.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Maybe you need to just keep cooking for her every day, man. You got to pay it back. Pay it forward.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Pay it forward, Haley Joel Osmond.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Never, yeah, me either. I never would talk to my dad. I talked to his dad about jerking off. Not once.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Sounds awesome. Not being encroached upon sounds great.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Mind your own business. My dad's a Lutheran pastor, man, so like the birds and bees talk was the worst. Did he get it with you? Wait, where did you grow up? Saginaw, Michigan.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
We're like Flint, but less. No, I know Saginaw. I know Saginaw. Shout out to Flint. Shout out to Flint. As we drink.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Michael Moore, early truth teller.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
But yeah, no, it was, it was awkward because like there's so much condemnation with sin in a religious context. And then as you get older, you realize, yo, I'm like, I believe this guy died on the cross for me, but I'm worried about him condemning me for whacking off. It's kind of psychotic. The cross probably didn't mean much if you think they're going to hell for this shit. So it's a bit much.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Oh, thanks, man.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You got to kind of, the math wasn't mathing, if you will.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You had that conversation with an apparition.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
What? Oh, yeah. I just was like, I'm gay.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
No, I think we're tied.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I'm just cooking, yeah. I don't know where I am right now. I'm drinking aspartame and we're talking about whacking off.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Lance Armstrong and shit.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Ooh, there's the amelie.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Food's a big deal to me, man. Food's a big deal to all three of us. By the way, try getting sober and then find out how important food is.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Somebody messes up my order, I'm ready to put an elbow in their throat, man.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah, I'm wrestling in this battle riot. It's like the MLW version of the Royal Rumble.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's called a battle riot. Since we brought up wrestling, I'm just going to put these out here. As you should. We got some guests. This is Mads Kruhl-Kruger. He's a... a superstar in the MLW roster. And this is Solo Sokoa. Absolutely, bro. Part of the Bloodline in Connecticut. Put your fingers in the air if you're feeling it. Shout out to the Bloodline.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Shout out to Jacob Fatu, former MLW wrestler, now an absolute megastar in WWE. Monster.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I just love wrestling, man. I grew up like, it didn't matter if it was real or not. I loved it. I thought it was fun. It doesn't matter if it's real or not.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah, no, Eastwood called it the good old-fashioned American screwjob. And it's like, yeah, it's funny because now I always think about the Montreal Screwjob. He has no idea what a screwjob is.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
My generation is OG.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
We're not gonna be friends, bro.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I mean, listen, it's the physical, you know, a match to me is no different than Nicholson yelling at Tom Cruise and a few good men. This is the culmination of something, and it's physical instead of verbal. This is the culminatory moment or whatever.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
And as many silly things as you might encounter in the programming, that also then highlights and illuminates the truly great moments that actually do make you well up. Or do make you pause and go, is that real? When you blur the line, you bring it there, it's like you appreciate it more because... No, you're not watching Ben Kingsley and Angela Bassett right now.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
If you're watching two guys half naked, they'll look insane. But there are other things that counterbalance that, I would say.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Eastwood was the man. I got a bunch I can say about that. I'll save it for the camera.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Sting. Really? Yeah. Dude doesn't get enough credit. Really? Bunch of haters because he wasn't in WWE long enough. Absolutely. Sting was the dopest dude. Also, great reputation. Sting didn't screw a million people over and print my crap. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I agree 100%.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Nah, nah. I'm white. I'm white and I still feel the same way. Boo! I don't want to drink your beer and vote for your president, brother. Sorry. Sorry, brother.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
His house is paid off. He doesn't need our props.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
All right, here we go. No, it was funny because in the press, you know, Spike Lee and Clint Eastwood kind of had like a thing, like politically.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
And I got to say, too, man, I got to give props to any of the guys and gals who helped carry a company during a drier season. Because sometimes the roster is not always what it is. Right now, the roster is steroidal.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
No, I mean, steroid-alike sick. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. They're stacked. They're stacked. My bad, my bad. Not stacked or two. Cody's on steroids.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
No, but the roster right now is killer. It's absurd. It's like the Lakers in the 80s. It's stupid. The bench is deep. But guys like Roman and John Cena, they were there doing the work when it was not the heyday, when it was not going good.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Sorry, your guy. No, no, no. You got to say your guy.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I had a beer with Ric Flair. It was at O'Doul's, and he was mad that I got it, but he still bought me an O'Doul's and clinked with me.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Well, no, here's the thing. No, no, I disagree. Here's the thing.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Eastwood told me, he goes, yeah, I really liked Black Klansman. I really liked Do the Right Thing and Malcolm X. And he's going off about how great Spike is. And I'm like, so I text Spike and I'm like, yo, Eastwood's saying how much he loves your shit. Spike hits me back, sends me a big thing and is like, please tell him I would love to talk cinema with him someday.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
More butter, more butter. More butter, more butter.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I love cooking.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
My favorite thing to make is caponata. It's a vegetarian Italian dish. It's basically like, oh, if I say this, it'll sound like crap, but it's like Italian chili. Oh, that sounds fire. Eggplant chopped olive, garlic and onion. That sounds really good.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Cooking shows are fun, dude.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Chops is my shit.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's okay. We're taping. It's not a lie. Hang on.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Chef's table mole.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
What's your favorite? I'm going to test you the way Cat tested that woman on that radio show. Bro. What do your kids love for you to cook? And she goes, they love my broccoli. And he's like, I know you don't cook. They love your broccoli? What do you make? What is your signature dish?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
But it was funny because the press makes it look like they're this, but there's so much in common. I was like getting to play matchmaker on text messages. That's all I see. It's pretty sick.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I don't know. I don't know if I can co-sign that. I love a miso cod. Oh, I love a miso cod.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I don't even do that. I just order at a restaurant. What are your sides? Because sides, for the record, sides are a big deal to me. You could have the greatest entree in the world if you're not complimenting it. It's like a stable in wrestling. I need my lead guy. I get it. But I also need the backup. The thing is... What are the Bobby Fish and the Kyle O'Reilly?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Same, same. I didn't know what burrata was six years ago. Me either. Yeah. My wife, it's like one of my wife's five food groups is burrata.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Burrata's fire, dude. Burrata, ice cream. It's probably two or three years.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Oh, really? Yeah. OK, so there's certain, like, you didn't have, like, Indian food?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Rednecks. I don't. But you know what?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I can do Pittsburgh style, where you try the outside, but the inside is either medium rare to medium.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You haven't had that?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
What did he introduce you to?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah. It's not my ballpark.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It wasn't until I left home, when I left Saginaw, Michigan, I tried Indian food and sushi for the first time, and I became obsessed with both.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I got... This is your house. We don't exactly call the shots.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
This already sounds like a story that you would tell.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's not that they smell like a Russian whorehouse.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
So I never went to a strip club until I started hanging out with rappers. I feel that 100%. I was in this crew.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I see that. We're American citizens. We're American citizens.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
slap down your passport i never went to him and then i got into this habit of going to him with this crew from strange music it was like tech nine and chris calico and technology and you're in st louis tech nine's your guy kansas city maybe yeah missouri in general but uh yeah he introduced me to a lot of things gates and lane bryants and stuff or whatever it's called arthur bryants
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Lane Bryant's is a clothing store. Yeah, right. Shout out to Lane Bryant. Shout out to Lane Bryant.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
No, he took me. Took us out for barbecue, went to a strip club. But I once took a dump while at the strip club. And when they found out, when his crew found out that I went number two at a strip club. Yeah. I did not live that down. I don't give a fuck. They were like, that is the grodiest thing ever. And I'm like, you guys have probably done some pretty grody stuff.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
And they were like, we have not done what you just did. Yeah, fuck all that, bro.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I don't give a fuck. If I got to take a shit. I don't go to strip clubs anymore, but I do crap everywhere. I don't give a fuck. If I'm at the White House, I'm dropping bombs.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
No, John. I feel the same way, man. By the way, if you have to fart on a flight, get up and drop, rip ass by the bathroom because they're gonna think it's coming from the bathroom.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Don't do it in the seat.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah, I don't know how to transition from that.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I got kale underneath.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yo, do you mind if I bless the food?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Is that cool? Is that weird?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yo, God, thank you for the lives we get to live. We get to do things we love for work, and we get paid really well for it. Thank you for our friends and family, all the crew working on the show and making it work and happen. And thank you for our women who put up with us. In Jesus' name, amen.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
That's what's up.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
That's what's up.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I'm going to smell it first.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Smell it first. Get your nose in that, bro. Doesn't it just smell like somebody who cares about you?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I want everything in this bite.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Hello. How are you? Good to meet you.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Thanks for letting us hang here. I'm gonna try this.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Falls apart. Dude, the kale's really good, which I didn't think I'd be saying first.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Oh my God, that whole thing was so good. It's so good. The kale's got like collard green vibes to the mouthfeel, not the flavor.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Thank you. We're enjoying it. I've never had an interview this fun. This is fire, dude.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's a good Yelp review. Boy, you'll get sick. Boy, da-da-da.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I had beef with UTI. Urinary tract infection.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
We're just getting protective mode. You guys have been through a lot. Yeah.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I don't know if I like how many dudes were up there at the same time. It's actually a really big room. It sounded like the ratio might have been a little off.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
What do you mean it was a big deal when we were kids?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It wasn't the shuttle run. What do you mean?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I didn't either.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Okay, you know what? I did light a box on fire because we're obsessed with Jackass, so we'd do our own fake Jackass show called Donkey. And I did an elbow drop.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You'll never believe it. I told Knoxville this one time. I was like, we did this thing where we, me and my buddy Kyle Bender did a thing where we had a lemonade stand and we were like 17, 18 years old. And people were coming up and buying lemonade and giving us cash. And we're like, thank you for, your money's going to a good cause. They're like, what is it going to?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
And we go, we're putting TVs in prisoners' cells with this money. And so we just did that to like get everybody's weird reaction. I told Knoxville that, he goes, Yeah, that's smart people humor. We wouldn't have done that. We'd have seen each other in the nuts.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Saginaw, Michigan.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I moved out here because I was writing screenplays. I was doing stand-up. I was doing sketch comedy. I did sketch comedy at UCB Theater, Iowa Theater in Chicago. And I wanted to act. I wanted to, like, best case scenario, I want to be like Paul Giamatti, Phil Hoffman, Sam Rockwell. Shout out to Paul Giamatti. Michael Shannon.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
The man. That was best case scenario. I would have been fine being on a sitcom where you walk in, I'm the fat guy covered in donut crumbs, and I go, where's the donuts? Here's the crazy thing about your story.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I was way too confident. I bordered on cocky, I think, or arrogant at one point. And then God humbled me, and now I'm kind of in the middle, I think.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah, I was very confident. I was like, I'm doing this. Saturday Night Live, Jackass, Rob Reiner films, Sidney Lumet films. I was just all about consuming comedy and recklessness and movie shit.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Luckiest Man in America, yeah. It's about this guy who in 1984 went on the show Press Your Luck And he figured out the algorithm, the pattern to the game, and when to hit the buzzer to get the prizes and the money. And he ran off with like $110,000 from CBS, which adjusted for inflation, I think it's like 350K now.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Pretty crazy, yeah. So it just takes place in that one like... 24 to 36 hour time window, and I play the dude. Bill Murray was going to do it like 20 years ago, play the guy, and it never got made. It looks so good. Sat around for a while.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's a fun movie. It's cool. I love ensemble casts. So many movies I love, like Clue.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Walt Goggins. That's it. David Goggins. David Goggins is this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walt Goggins is on every TV show right now.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
He's a killer. He's like one of those actors that would have been friends with, like, Dennis Hopper and Nicholson back in the day. Harry Dean Stanton. He's got that vibe where it's like, I'm not going to vape. I smoke actual cigarettes.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I love a good cigarette on occasion.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I'm a cigar guy.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You think movie sets are boring. Have you heard of office jobs? I hear they're trash, man. You sit around a bunch and people aren't even that charismatic.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Your dad is my second favorite rapper of all time.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You're really good in Longshot, too, by the way. Thank you. That's a pride and joy of mine, too. I've seen a few things I love, but that was one that I was like, man, this dude, like, he's lighting this movie up, and he's working with two... I mean, Rogan and Theron are like... They're killers. And you were fantastic.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
When your dad gets soft, do you ever say, you're melting, bro?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Did your dad do... Did he do Black Seal and the Hour of Chaos?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Have you tried listening to our Bert?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's a ruse! Saying you're going to win therapy is the most man thing you could possibly do.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
She showed you her playbook? You know what?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You're like Dennis Rodman. You can go to Vegas and still show up for game five.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah. Then you blame it on a pizza.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
As Tupac. Just the flannel. Just the flannel. Just the flannel. Right.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Maybe have a picture of Jade in your wallet just to really kind of texture it a little bit. Oh, my God, dude.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
You walk in with liquor on your breath. You're holding a tumbler, and you're just playing Ice Cube from your phone. You're like Radio Raheem, but with a tiny phone.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Just tell her you have a busy life and you're multitasking. Thank you. I'm going to drink. I'm going to day drink and go to therapy.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah. I'm shooting a show and hanging out with my friends and fighting my wife and cooking. I'm a little busy, man.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's all spiritual. It's all spiritual. You can't look at that like, am I going to win an Oscar? Am I going to do him justice? I love Chris like I love... my family, my friends. I never got to meet him, but I love him. I feel as though I know him even though I haven't met him. And so when I entered that space, it's not really about acting.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's about showing up with love and y'all know my lines and y'all study tape and I'll do all the things. But as long as I show up responsibly and I remember how much I love that guy, I cannot lose.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Wait, how is Amistad? I don't know, I'm trying to think of something. Shut up. Don't pick it apart, Paul. Just nod, just nod. He's like Bebe's kids. You're like, no, you can't just pick a black movie. Yeah, Amistad.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I didn't say he didn't, to be fair.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
But here's the thing. Farley transcends all cultures. I feel like Farley's like music or pizza. It just hits everybody. So I think in a way that'll be a big movie for a lot of people, bro.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Well, even before that, I did, like, guest spots on, like, it's always Sunday in Philadelphia and Community on NBC with Chevy Chase. Like, I did a lot of little bitty stuff, too.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
We usurped it.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Yeah. I didn't have to show anyone on the doll where I was touched. On screen, I mean.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I pitched you Malcolm XL and you got really offended.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
A Laker is at least a little more real.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It didn't hit the same.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Seemed too irreverent.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
To be fair, from an outside perspective, when I saw you in that movie, I was like, I was like, dude did a really good job. And then you kept working and it didn't seem like, it seemed like you were doing your own thing. It didn't feel like you were copying your dad or anybody else. So to me, that's like, that's a big deal when you do your own thing, you know?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Remember when you watched Superbad and laughed your ass off? You were working with Seth Rogen.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's surreal, man. I feel the exact same way when I wrestle or when I... I remember I had a tiny, tiny part in Super Troopers 2. But I love Super Troopers. I love it. And I love Beer Fest. And those guys are awesome. And I grew up loving those dudes. So I chugged a bottle of maple syrup on the red carpet. And not because it made me look good.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I did it because 15-year-old me would be like, you better chug some maple syrup on that carpet. And, you know, making those decisions, though, I do feel like they're soul nourishing.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
They're weirdly soul nourishing when you please your 15-year-old self, which takes us back to masturbation.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I feel like we bonded the way Orlando Bloom and Elijah Wood bonded in New Zealand, you know? We'll know each other forever, yeah?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
And then... Also, there's more money in video games. That industry makes... I know there is. Make a billion in a weekend with a video game. So...
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
It's a crazy question. So did you meet the real guy?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Was part of you trying to sabotage?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
No, I think we're tied.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
I didn't audition. That was supposed to be Jonah Hill and DiCaprio. And then the movie went from being a Fox and then Clint scooped it up and took it to Warner Brothers. And somebody just showed Clint a picture of me next to Richard Jewell. He was like, yeah, that's the guy.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
That's fucking amazing. Five inches, baby. Five inches. That's fucking amazing. I very much inherited that role through Divine Providence. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. But is it kind of wild how you've... Because it's so easy to get typecast. Well, yeah, I mean, we both have dealt with that. Yeah, exactly. We both have dealt with that. But I also think I've seen us rail against it, too. Yeah.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Where it's like, you know, we could both play the stone guy playing video games in the grandma's basement. But then, you know, we both also got to play authority figures or an intellectual and something funny, something serious. I mean, I've been lucky that way.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Oh, yeah, it's a great movie.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
That's all I get offered is Santa. I keep getting offered Ice Cube over and over. Damn it. Hey, do you want to play? I want to play your dad, but now.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Oh, no. I was just doing bets. What were you going to say? I'm saying nothing of relevance, nothing worthy.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
What's her name? Leanne. She'll be here in a second. No, but I want to say that God bless her. That's a really, really cool trait.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
Can you give another distinguishing characteristic that we can focus on mentally?
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
She's got great boobs. You got me in my flesh. I'm trying to go back to the spirit, bro.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
That's complicated. We have a documentary online that literally tells the first two years of our marriage story. But essentially, we started dating during COVID, got engaged four months into dating, got married five months into dating.
Bertcast
S5 E07: Epic Roles + Wrestle-Mania w/ O’Shea Jackson Jr + Paul Walter Hauser
got pregnant two weeks into marriage whoa we separated two months into marriage she got divorced 14 months later or 15 months later and then in that time frame i got sober and got on zoloft and went to marriage counseling and went to therapy and did the 12 steps and And I came back to her and I was like, I did not know how badly I screwed up. Would you give me another chance?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And then you go, well, I haven't used this in a year, but I'm still paying. Listen, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash burning today. That's rocketmoney.com slash burning, rocketmoney.com slash burning, rocketmoney.com slash burning. What's in that batter? Uh, it is, it is, uh, flour. It is flour.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
It is, uh, it is a bunch of shit. Oh, this is buttermilk.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Seasoned. I'm doing it, I'm doing a trick. I want to see, I love the breading on, on Nashville hot chicken. All right. Let me pour some vegetable oil in.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Have you been to the... What's the legit one? So Hattie B's apparently, allegedly, stole... the idea of hot chicken from a black restaurant.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
No, but they slip out of her. So it's like the perfect way a fart is. Like when you push a fart, it's a little aggressive, right? But when a fart goes... That's fun. That's the best ones.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Prince's. No, it's a white people's restaurant. Really? Yeah. I've been to Prince's. It is hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And they won't let you eat. They won't let you order the hottest as a white person. Nashville gentrified chicken?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Elvis really stole rock and roll from black people. I never really bought into that until I watched the documentary, and they play his songs, and I was like, oh, these are all... Then they play the black one, and I go, he just sang it word for word.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Hey, are you following what's gonna happen with the Jamie Foxx? Special? Special?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
What's gonna happen? Oh. I mean, I know what he's gonna say. I don't know what he's gonna say. He's gonna say about Diddy?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Beat the shit out of her. Wait, how do I not follow any of this? I've seen it. You haven't seen it, Leanne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm so stupid.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Kicking her on the ground. Wait, hold on. What did she say? No, no, no. That's a good question.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Are you serious? Mm-hmm.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And then she married a white guy. She did? Yep. I wouldn't eat that, Mark.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I can't believe I'm just finding out about everything that everyone's talking about on podcasts.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
What happened to you? Hold on, did you snort it and go, pardon me? Is that why everyone was laughing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I hate queefs. Oh, I love them. You know when you, my daughter's gone, right? You know when you load a queef?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
You're going to be a dad. I know. It's horrible. We're dads, and we did it. That's true. You ever look at us and go, well, they can do it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
You must, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, so it's coming around the corner. Oh, yeah. It's happening. And he's naming his son Godfrey. Cosby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Right. Hey, where's the scooper for hot stuff? My daughter remembers, like, food coupons. Wow. The hard years. My daughter, Georgia, one time said to me, I'm trying to remember the right thing. We were doing something fancy, and she kind of stopped, and she goes, when did everything change?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And I was like, what do you mean? She was like, this isn't who we are. Like, when did this all change? You mean money? Yeah, like just doing nice things. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah. She was really, I think in Georgia, it makes her very uncomfortable. Wow. Ah, fuck me, cocksucker. I fucked up, Stace. What did you do? Nothing. I got it. Fixed.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
There's nothing. This is like so, this is such an aggressive conversation. But I love. Let's make some chicken, faggot. Remember the time we did Something's Burning with Legion of Skanks and Lewis said something he didn't want in the podcast? So he just said the N-word three times fast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Please. By the way, I haven't been on stage... I haven't been on stage in, well, I guess a week, a couple weeks, but I haven't been doing stand-up at all. And I just said to Leanne today, I was like, I gotta, and I kinda feel like I just got old today, because I go, I gotta start going on stage in L.A.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I gotta go back. And it's, I haven't, I've always been working, you know, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So I was always like, Monday, Tuesday, my day's off. Yeah. And if I'm not doing the road, I'm doing spots on the road. And I was like, I got to... And this morning, I was like, I got to get back on fucking stage. And it's such a daunting feeling.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I have so many jokes that I've written. I've been writing like crazy. Yeah. But it's like...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
It seemed personal. That seems like a casting director stole your car. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh my God, hold on. He was my manager for three years. Who, P. Diddy? P. Diddy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Wait, he fucks young white dudes? Oh, man. I'm really not up on this P. Diddy thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And everyone, it was the first time that I realized I'm running a company because you guys left and they're like, hey, we need to talk about that. And I was like, what? And I was like, no, he didn't call someone in. He just said it so you didn't use it. What company? Papa John's? See, I hate that your brain is so quick. You're going to fucking be writing jokes on the thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Come on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
No, I'm not. Send him a link. Can I show you what I follow?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Is P. Diddy doing something? I don't. What I follow on Instagram is, like, fat people who make, like. Following? No, fat people with cooking shows. I do watches. I do. It's like I don't follow anything celebrity gossip at all. Isla, pull up P. Diddy and Meek Mill. Pete, pull up P. Diddy and Meek Mill.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
You look like you got rescued from a burning building. P. Diddy and who?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
For real? It's wild. By the way, this mac and cheese looks fucking incredible. Do you want to just see a little sneak peek?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Booyah. Fucking... I think it might be done. What do you think? Wow, that's beautiful. That looks fucking incredible. Man. That looks fucking incredible. Oh my god, that looks so good. And this Nashville hot chicken is going to be so, OK. Here's what we do. This is the key, OK? By the way, we can go spicier if you want.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
This is garlic, paprika, cayenne, and chili powder. And, but the key is, this is the rub. This is what you dunk it in. The key is, you take this oil and pour it in there. Is this TJ Miller hot sauce? Because I won't drink it if it's not. No, this is Carolina hot sauce.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I only prefer the hot sauce of character actors. You know, I hung out with TJ the other night at a strip club. He's awesome. I fucking really like TJ Miller.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
The erratic behavior that is the thing that got so many people upset with TJ was also the kind of thing I thought was pretty awesome. Sure. Who doesn't love a guy that calls in a bomb threat?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Hey, I gotta be honest with you. You know what?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah, he is a sweetheart, dude. I fucking love that guy. All right, I'm going to make mac and cheese first. I'm going to put in the water. This oven fucking...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge, and I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash Burt or use code Burt at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Favorite porn genre? It's not good. Full Workday Chicks? No. I can't, like, I... This is going to sound creepy because my daughter's in here, but I can't... Anything too young, I just... It's gone. Anything... I need her... I need something mature. I need something that looks like Leanne, so this is going to sound horrible, but I look for chicks that have similar... flaws as Leanne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
That's a nice joint you got here. Thank you. Airbnb? It is an Airbnb. It is called Beauty on Beach. You can get it on Airbnb. It is gorgeous. One, two, three, four. Four bedrooms with a back house. Nice back deck. Beautiful bedroom. One of the best Airbnb bedrooms I've ever slept in. Pitch black. Ice cold. Like a cave. I love it. All right. TV? No, I don't even know. I don't even watch.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Because that's what I love in Leanne. So I look for that. And it's really like no one types in like minimal back fat. Don't say what the things are.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
But yeah, so it's, I kind of, there was a time when I was younger that it was okay with me. It's just, I don't know. It's just, I think as I got older, I just, you know, it's like how nature goes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm always fascinated by porn stars.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
She recently lost all mobility. What?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
They're whoopie pie ends.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, my God. Those smell incredible. Oh, I told the producer I don't do bread.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
That was a crazy week. I quit drinking for like 30 days after that. Yeah, that was a wild one. That was a rough week. And Leanne was there for some of it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
We're making TV. Why don't you have a Legion of Skanks cooking show? Where you cook with porn stars. We don't have time. Yeah. Or a crew. Or an Airbnb to do it. No, but you have that. Do you guys still have the same offices? I love that space.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah. Fuck me. Do you think grown-ups still get fucking food on their shirts? Nah, special needs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Why didn't you end... How come you guys weren't doing New Year's with... Or the Super Bowl with me this year? Oh, you didn't ask me? Yeah, it's in New Orleans.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I thought I did. I guarantee you I did. Nope. I have the same people I ask every fucking time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Mmm. The pickles are the key for this, in my opinion. Who's your team's the... Tampa Bay, right? Yeah. Baker Mayfield, baby. And the Rams? And the Rams because the girls grew up in L.A. and we wanted stuff to do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah, because you lived in New York. And it's hard to go when you're one of those tri-city area kids to switch over. When you're a Delco boy. Are you a Delco boy? No, West Philly. Born and raised.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah. Look at this. Here. We'll put this right here. We're going to plate it perfectly.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Look at this. Look at this. You want to take a picture of one, Stace?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
But you know what's crazy is when I looked at all the... When everyone started podcasting and started making money and I watched people grow, that move for me was the one where I was like, oh, that's the fucking move. That was impressive.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
All right, cut into your sandwich. Tell me what you think. It's gonna be spicy, I think.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm gonna try a bite bite.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Come in here and try. Try the mac and cheese.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah, the mac and cheese turned out awesome. Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I like that it's formed a crust on it for itself.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
What do you spend money on, Mark? Is there anything?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah? BMW? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Really? That's 51 years old.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
No, they're not going to college. DeVry. No, there's no, there's no, college is dead.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I don't know, I mean, I'd go to party, but just send them to a state school. Yeah, it's all on Google. Yeah. What are you going to need college for when you have AI? Right. Where you can go, hey, tell me everything I need to know about, give me 80% of the knowledge in 20% of the time for Mussolini. And then they go, here's a podcast you can listen to.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
So what do you think, how much money do you think you spend a year? Like, being real, do you think you spend, spend on yourself, personally, on yourself, do you think you spend less than $20,000?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Really? Yeah, that's about it. Do you treat, like, do you take the guys you go out on tour with out to dinner and stuff?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Okay. I'll spend money on other people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Really? All my sweatshirts are $25. How many shoes do you have?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Okay. I'm really having a come to Jesus moment.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
There you go. Okay. Jeans shorts? How many pairs of jeans shorts do you have? Two. Two? No. Come on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
So what advice do we have for Mark to be a dad? What questions do you have? Sleep with us next month.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Please. Sleep. You're gonna be so... You've never been that tired in your life. That's gross. Well, Mark does it and you giggle. I fart and you're like... I didn't hear Mark fart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Wow, look at that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Go ahead. Go ahead. When you put it on the parchment paper, you gotta dip it totally.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Really? Really. Pull it up. Well, I heard one of the best takes I heard on Rachel Dolenzal. Uh-huh. Whose alarm's going off? That's not me. It's got to be you, Mark.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
These look fucking phenomenal, Ian. I got a good Whitney joke. All right. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me see. Look at her butthole opening. Not bad. Wow.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
That's Rachel Dolenzal?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Wow. Wow. She looks black from there. And you can tell she has no fur. Whoa. She looks black from there. Yeah. Hey, nice labia.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, yeah. My favorite moment when we did Story Wars was I told the story about losing my virginity, and everyone's trying to guess, and Shane just looks at me and goes, was it you? And I go, yeah. Cahoots. Yeah, that's the move is, I guess the move ultimately is like, I don't know, what's the move in podcasting these days? You guys are literally one percenters on Spotify.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Let me see.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Boy, I'm glad I brought her. She went from running the NAACP to an OnlyFans. Wow. That's fucking wild. Good for her. Do we put these in the fridge or just leave them here?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
All right. Rachel Dolenzal. God, that's crazy. Good for her.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I don't have any free time. You're tired. First run of jokes. First joke I wrote. We had Georgia. We had Georgia. It was the first joke I wrote as a dad. And... She's crying. I put this in a special somewhere. She was crying, and I couldn't soothe her. And the nurse came in and was like, hey, hey, come here. Give it to me. This is what you do. She takes my hand.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
She puts my finger on her lip, and Georgia starts sucking it, and she calms down. And I go, we're stopping this today. Yeah. I'm not raising a girl every time she gets freaked out and starts sucking cock to calm down. There you go. The first joke I wrote, I went, sorry, Isla. Don't roll your eyes. I thought I paid for college.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
What? I fixed it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
So maybe, but that was the first day we had Georgia. All right. All right, I'm back. Seeking material.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Shut up, Leanne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I did, I did, uh, Do you think it's fun to be out there drinking and laughing with friends until 2 in the morning? Do you think I want to work with David Tell in Miami?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Do you think I want to sleep till noon? Do you think I enjoy meet and greets with people all night long telling me that I'm a legend? Do you think I like that? My first week at Georgia, we induced labor to get Georgia because I had to work with the Tell. So Georgia came three days early so I could go on the road with the Tell. And I worked with the Tell.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
That's why her left arm is shorter than her right arm. I remember the first joke he said was about the surfer. The surfer who got her arm bit off. He wrote that the day it happened. Let's hear it. He goes... I know it. I know it pretty much by now. He goes, here, stop me when I start fucking it up. And he goes... Apparently she says everything in life happens for a reason. Oh, really?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Was that your evil arm?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I remember hearing that joke and going like, oh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
One for passion. No, the best, the best.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
You know Tony Hernandez, right? Yeah. You guys know Tony. Tony came back. Tony is, for anyone who doesn't know, he's a really big comedy producer. He produces all my specials, but I've known him since we were kids. Grew up in Tampa together. He walked in. He walked in one morning, and he goes, and we lived right across the street by the Comedy Cellar. And he walked into my apartment one morning.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm on the couch. And he goes, David Tell said the most brilliant thing. I can't stop thinking about it. I said, what is it? And it was the joke. You should have hung out, man. Everything happens five minutes after you leave the party. You should have hung out, man. The Dixie Chicks came in and they blew all of us.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
But the line Tony loved, he goes, even the guy with the Babylon 5 t-shirt got a blowjob. Yes. Even the guy with the Babylon 5 t-shirt got a blowjob. It's such. It's descriptive. It's poetry.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
A little.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, who's next, Dave? The Eskimos? Yeah, or as I call them, the snow Mexicans. His pacing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
His pacing was so brilliant. Oh, yeah. The way he'd go, all right, everyone get it that's going to get it? Let's move on. I mean, that was the tester CD that I was like, I'm dating this chick. I got to see if she likes good comedy. Because if she doesn't like good comedy, I'm fucked. And I put in skanks for the memories. And I remember we were driving to the bottom of Glencoe.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And he goes, I need it. Those aren't the sounds of love. I need it to sound like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter. And Leanne started laughing. And I went, oh. And that's like a weird one to laugh at.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, yeah. God, what a great fucking... That is... Can I tell you what I think he should do? I think he should... I said, number one, you know when little girls put on makeup and they quote your jokes? Mm-hmm. They do. Oh, yeah. I was like, I think he... I would hire for him those makeup models to put on makeup and quote Dave Attell.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, and it's so funny to hear from a... I need a parrot. What? No one has acne on their ass. Wear a condom. Yeah. I mean, I would do that, or I would just have him re-record the whole album. Yeah. Do it as a special. Do it as a special, an homage, 30 years later. Sure. Those titties ain't retarded. God.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
It's such a great, but I love, like, you know, he has a joke he's never put anywhere that was one of my favorite jokes. He goes, is it just me, or does an owl look like an attorney for a parrot? I just go, what the fuck? You know, a lot of people say, Dave eat fish, Dave eat chicken. I split the difference. I'm eating penguin.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah. But is it about Southern food? It is. Shut the fuck up. Oh, yeah. Your mom's a podcaster? Yeah. His mom's an authoritarian on Southern cuisine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, I fucking love that guy. He's quick. My favorite is when we were talking about... By the way, it's like, why isn't... Do you think Dave Attell doesn't want to be the biggest comic in the world?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
It's my last year. I'll leave it to... I remember he said to me and Tom, I'm going to leave it to you guys, the real joke writers. And we were like, we don't like that. Yeah, you're the king.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Fucking amazing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Do you think he's the greatest? I do. Because he doesn't care. Probably. I think he's the greatest on town. There's comics who have verbally said, I want to be the GOAT.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'll tell you, the thing about Chappelle that blows me away is we did, I did, I say we, but I did his club when he was trying to test it. How is it? Ugh. It's amazing. Oh, really? It is fucking amazing. It's amazing on so many levels, but mostly it's amazing because Chappelle's there. And he's there with you. Like, he's with you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And the people backstage are like, Talib Khali was like, I like your rate of utterance or some shit like that. He's like, dude, you're pacing. You're pacing in the work. Because Talib Khali's a poet, really. And to hear someone, like, the feedback that you get from people. Should I call him a rate of utterance and put him in a headlock? Like, are we fighting? What does that mean?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah, I don't know. But... Chappelle went up, he did like 30 minutes before me. I went and did an hour. Then Chappelle did probably like an hour after me. Jesus. And he made fun of me in the most inventive way that I was like, that I sat on the side And I was like, I've thought this about myself.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I've thought this about myself. He saw the thing I thought in myself and picked it apart and did maybe like 10 minutes on it. And I was like, and that's the beauty of him. Yeah, he can see through you. He just, well, it's like, you know, Bryan Simpson's like this. There's a couple guys where they're just smart as fuck. They're really smart. Whatever they say comes out smart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah, right. No, no, no. You want any cheese underwear? It's crazy. I remember one time shitting on podcast sponsors a long time ago. they were like, they were doing a read, it was like really, probably eight years ago, and I was like, I said casually, I go, does anyone even buy these products? And they're like, Dollar Shave Club just went public for a billion dollars. And I went, oh, cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Bryan Simpson's like that. Dave Chappelle is just, the things he says are just smart things.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
He said, you don't see who Burt Kreischer is, but I see who he is. Did you ever see the movie Deliverance? He goes, do you remember Ned Beatty in Deliverance? Was that his name, Ned Beatty? It's all anybody remembers. He goes, Burt's got a little bit of Ned Beatty in him. And it's so true is I'm not Burt Reynolds in that. Right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm the guy that ends up getting fucked in the ass and goes like, we don't tell anyone about this, right guys? But it was like so, the way he broke it down was so fucking funny. Yeah. And it was just like, and everyone's doing this. I'm standing on the side of the stage. They're watching me, watching him, watching me, watching him. He's, I'm obsessed with Chappelle. I think he's... Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And he parties the perfect way. He drinks. With whites. You get an IV. Yeah. He's got his own private bar. He's got a DJ there, an IV specialist. Throw me in the briar patch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is doing it right. Yeah, a lot of tequila.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Whoa. You got a plate? We can just halvesies one of this. We don't need diabetes. Yeah, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
They get all wonky in the freezer. Yeah, they got sideways here. Leanne, you going to try one? Leanne?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Here, gentlemen. Go on, Jay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
You have?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
All right. I'll fight Kid Rock. He's old. But you got to dance around this, because I want Kid Rock to like me. I know he's a dick, but I want him to like me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
That's it. You get one chance to be good with me. I remember you telling me, I really want Kid Rock and I to become best friends. You did, what was it, Brad Paisley's comedy jam or something?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Kid Rock's comedy jam. Yeah. I think I'm doing it again this year.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm not as good as... You're pretty good. You know who's good? Shane's great. Shane's... Shane does this. He meets people, and then he gets their number, and then he joke texts them playful, flirty stuff, like eggplant emoji, or whatever. I don't know what people text, but he's good at it. Segura's amazing at it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Can I go back outside?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I have a bad time being like... I'm really bad because I get overwhelmed by celebrity. So, like, if you're famous and I know who you are, I kind of shut down a titch. Same. And I'm not myself. I'm maybe even a hyper version of myself that's a little annoying. Right, right. And I don't know how to be. And so I know that feeling.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
So the other day someone was like, hey, do you want to meet Matthew McConaughey? We were with Matthew McConaughey. And Tom is good at getting, like, and I'm not, this may come out shitty and I don't mean it to come out shitty. Tom is good. There were kids in high school, or in grade school, who could siphon you off and become your friend, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I remember that. I'm moving your mic. It's flapping around on my back. I'm sorry. I got it. You got it? Yeah, I got it. I'm just flipping it inside. We lose sponsors a lot like that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And I was the kid in the playground playing the game. I wasn't aware that we were making friends. If we became friends, that was the thing that happened. Right. But then there were kids that were like, yo, I need play dates. My mom said I need play dates or whatever. Tom pulled Matthew McConaughey aside. I went to the bathroom and I watched it happen.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And he's just so good at going, hey, you know, kids go to school or whatever the fuck. They live in the same city. We should hang out. Soccer. My kids are big into soccer. Just really small talk. He's like, hey, I should get your number. And as he did that, I was walking past and I was like, normally, maybe I'd be like, yeah, do a three-way text.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
But I was like, I don't think I want to be friends with Matthew McConaughey. I was like, I don't want the stress of replying to his texts.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
It's a peril that I don't want to deal with. Like I became friends with Shaq. And I, and I, and I, it was so fun. It was so fun for like, honestly, like probably 35 days. It was so fun. And then I texted him. I texted him again. And then the third text, I was like, I guess we're not friends. He hates me. I guess I said something. And then I get a call, and they're like, yo, Shaq wants to do this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And I was like, okay. And I was like, all right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Like, fuck it, I'd rather just not do it at all. I knew that was Seinfeld. Ooh, it's my dad's birthday. Seinfeld, I would never want to. Here's what I want. If he meets me, he goes, the one time you said we were in Vegas, Arizona. And you're like, hey, Seinfeld asked about you. I was like, wow, that's crazy. And part of me goes, I wonder if I'll ever be friends with him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And then I was like, oh, I don't want the stress of being friends with him. It's a lot of stress. Because sometimes, and we know these guys, but they say, like, you go, like, you'll give their opinion. And they're so used to being up here that they just go, why would you even say that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I went too much. Yeah, but it shouldn't be like that. Oh, here's the deal. I don't reply to texts. I look at texts and I go, I don't reply to them. It's a lot of work. Who are you cool not replying to? Like, there was a period where, like, if I texted Rogan and he didn't reply, I'd get, like, I'd be like, oh, fuck, is he mad at me?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And then I got past that. It was one sober October we were very competitive. Very competitive.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah. He is... He is... He is... I used to love tugging the tiger's tail.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Just to see how big it could roar. And, man, he is. He will shut off life to win. He is not the dude to fuck with.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, okay. Oh, I lost Warby Parker because of you. Because of me? Yeah, yeah. Warby Parker. I went in. I was like, hey, can I? I require reading glasses. Did they know that? Do you remember what you said about Warby Parker? They're so good. I got them, and now I can see my wife's, my girlfriend's pussy hairs. Oh, nice. That's not that bad. Well, for Warby Parker, it is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah. Silver hack is what I used to call him. Silver hack. That's the perfect joke to end this on. Guys, we'll head over to the Zany's. We should probably all take naps, go to Zany's. Yeah. Do a show. I got to put my finger in my throat after that. I know. I feel fucking horrible. I've been so clean on my diet, and I've eaten like total shit these last four days. I got one more podcast tomorrow.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Again. And drinks.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Let's do it twice.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Fuck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm going to shit my pants. No, go, go. No, hold on. Get the bidet. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Stace, how do I get this fucking front one lit? I got this back one's lit, but it's too low.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Aggressive drinking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'll take, oh, have you ever had porosos?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
That thing is a game changer. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a game changer because you don't realize how often you're making pasta and you need a little extra water. Or you make a bone broth. and you can add water that way. I'm obsessed with that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
When I'm bone brothing, for sure. You guys don't cook? No. Nah. You think that's because you live in New York? Yes. Really? There's nowhere to cook. True. Well, some of the best chefs are in New York. That's true. I follow a lot of chefs that cook in New York. But not in their apartment. Yeah. I cooked in New York when I lived in New York. A lot? Yeah, all the time. I love cooking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I love cooking for people. Like, I genuinely love cooking for people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yeah. Oh. Like, for my birthday this year, part of me was like, I should cook. Because I enjoy, I think it, for whatever reason, doing two things at once allows me to kind of slow down my brain.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Cooking and eating?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, really? I did it. I did it in Saginaw, Michigan in an old haunted hotel. Oh, that's fun. And they brought in a whole cast of actors to do it with us. And it was wild. There you go. It was so fucking fun.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Yes. Oh, yuck. All right. You farting in front of David Cross. By the way, can I tell you that you and David Cross were perfect comedy? Because I couldn't tell if it was a bit or not. He hated me. He really did hate you. Yeah. But in like the, like when you farted and he got up to leave. He walked. And he was like, and you were like, sorry, I didn't see it coming. He was like, you leaned over.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm doing mac and cheese. I'm doing Nashville hot chicken. And your aunt's going to come in and make whoopie pies. Whoa. And then she's going Yeah, great. So you do need to do the dough. Great. Where are the doughs? In the fridge, right? Yeah. So I'm going to make the roux. I'm going to make the mac and cheese. I'm going to get this all set up, and then I'll do the chicken second.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm going to put the mac and cheese in there, season it really well, get it nice and hot. And then whoopie pies, we'll do them at the end. Should we do them all together?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
How do I make them?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh, great. How long do they take?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Let's woke up movies. Let's take a great movie and make it as woke as possible.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Caitlin Clark's the star. I'm turning on and off ovens on accident. All right, I'm going to put some of this in here. What are they doing? I hate that my wife and daughter laugh harder at you than they do at me. They're like, no, he's funny. You're watching Matt Reif. All right, I think we can go straight to this. Ooh, baby. This is our roux. Nice. Yeah, this is gonna be good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
This is See, this is a simple dad move, Mark, that I learned when I had kids, is make your own homemade mac and cheese, and it really fucking kicks it up a notch.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Mac and cheese. Baked, though. Baked mac and cheese. Baked mac and cheese is the move. Can I get more cheese, too? Isla. More cheese. Yeah, because I'm going to put it on top. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh my God, this looks so fucking good. This is a pimento cheese mac and cheese. Drink it, pussy. Dude.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I would love to have him. Can I tell you, I sleep on stuff like news stuff because I just, I don't care.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And so I didn't, like, I made a joke like, hey, Hunter Biden's free or whatever. I didn't realize what he'd done. He was a real problem.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I mean, he was, like, legit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh my God, look at that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Oh my God, look at that. It's like taffy. I know, I think I put too much cheese in. It's like they suck that out of jelly roll. Man. Liam, do you just wanna sit here and giggle? It would add to the show.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
That is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I have... We watched the entire process, Mark. Oh, I wasn't watching. What was in that? It's pimento cheese with cheddar cheese in a roux. And what's going to happen is it's going to melt even more. and bake down, now seasoning it. How do you gentlemen think I should season this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Let's go a little sea salt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
A lot of people say you can't over-salt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Now salt and battery. Hello, handsome. Nice face you shaved there. Whether you're going smooth shaving or maintaining a beard, Dollar Shave Club offers shaving grooming products that are always high quality but never overpriced.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Their Club Series 6 Blade Razor has six stainless steel blades for their closest and most comfortable shave with a vitamin E infused lubricant strip for comfort and glide and precision trimmer for precise detailing. trimming your beard and your balls with the same trimmer? Come on, what year is this? That's disgusting.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
The double header electric trimmer has two interchangeable heads, one for beard, one for balls. This is brilliant. This is brilliant. This waterproof battery-operated trimmer comes with three different guard lengths, so you can stop being disgusting. I trim my back with it. I do. I do my back and balls with the same razor. And I'm telling you right now, I look awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I know. Crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And you don't get the prickly feel. It gets so close, you don't get the prickly feel when you ever put your hand on someone who shaves their back, and you're like, oh, cool. I wish I was just feather-feel hair. Don't take my word for it. Try it for yourself. You can visit their site right now for 20% off, $20 or more, and get your products delivered right to your door.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
Visit dollarshaveclub.com slash burning and use promo code burning for 20% off of $20 or more. And remember, however you shave, Dollar Shave Club's here to help you stay handsome. Missing out on a show everyone's talking about isn't an option for me. But I am constantly signing up for the streaming service of that one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm not going to leave a room. I like farts. Really? Yeah. Other people's farts? Yeah, I love all people's farts. Look into that. I love when Leanne farts. Like, Leanne, like, fucking farts. Really? Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
And then a few years later, I realized I'm paying for the same service after I've already finished the show. I'm not going to name which shows, but I'm telling you right now, getting Rocket Money was a game changer for me. They'll find your unwanted subscriptions and even help you cancel them so you never have to worry about them slipping through the cracks ever again.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Fatherly Advice and Current Events with Mark Normand and Big Jay | S4 E19
I'm telling you right now, I've signed up for ones that are now defunct, and I think I'm still paying them. And not now that I have bracket money. The biggest one for me is fitness apps. Fitness apps and AI ones. The AI ones that give you abs and make you look jacked. And I don't use them. I don't post them. But I do it for Leanne. I do it for Leanne. And then I post those ones.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This show is sponsored by Cigars International. Cigars International is the ultimate destination for premium handmade cigars. Known as the industry leader, Cigars International offers the largest selection, unbeatable prices, and a customer service experience that is second to none.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Keep going, keep going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I think it's like you meet someone at an age and you remember them at that age, you know?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Can I ask you a weird question about being a chef? Yeah. How obsessed with your texture? Are you with texture?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Like in something like this, you want it to be as finely... as fine as possible, correct?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, right. I'm that way with tacos. I need my texture to be very fine in a taco.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I've put it in a food processor before where it tastes like diarrhea, and people are like, this is too smooth.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I haven't asked the details of the trip.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
A little bit of me in every taco.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay. Do I let this cool before I put the... No. No. No, just you're cooking it all together. Just dump it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you said more garlic in this as well, correct?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
By the way, I just saw a video of me in this last episode, and I was like, hey, is anyone going to tell me I got fat again? Like, was anyone going to mention that? I saw a side shot, and I was like, hey, no more profile shots, please. It was on the email we got about doing the show.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And you got, do you want to cook it with this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What's your favorite thing that he makes?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
For the average person, they're only good at one thing. So, like, if you say, what's your favorite dish Leanne cooks? It's, everyone in the whole room will know exactly what. Pierce, what's Leanne's best dish she makes? Country fried steak. That's it. That's the only thing she can make. Country fried steak? Yeah. And she makes it, like, because her family didn't grow up with money.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
She didn't have money. So everything was bought at, like, a convenience store. So they're like, you're going to put two Slim Jims in. You're going to do a thing of fucking Ritz crackers.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's like a prison menu, yeah. So is she grinding the Slim Jims? She grinds it. So Splash Mountain Dew. No. I'm kidding.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You need the sugar out of that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
There's a cool little chef thing when you guys do this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Who's your favorite celebrity chef? And you cancel yourself.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You haven't seen a lot of my work, I guess.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay, let's break it down. I love this. I love this. Okay, Philip Franklin Lee, do you consider him a celebrity chef?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay, just a chef, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It was on the email? Hey, you guys broke out fat again.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Or Bobby, not Bobby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Was it, hey, this is the restaurant business or something?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
The problem is I'm very muscular. That is a problem. I'm the most muscular I've ever been, so that's a lot of the weight. And then this, and then I'm drinking like crazy. Wow.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Which does mitigate the pain.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour, featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet, featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down, check out Burt cast number six 23. They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach,
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. They have to be more famous than us. Is Roy Choi a celebrity chef? Good luck.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, he was on Bourdain a lot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
He was more celebrity. Yeah, I mean... Celebrity author.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And he would say that out loud. He's like, I'm not a great chef.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
My dad's never had Indian food.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I thought you were going to say my dad doesn't like Indian people. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You are. Do me a favor real quick before Leanne leaves. Ask me how Leanne and I met.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
My dad said, he goes, why would we eat it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
He goes, good. He goes, buddy, we have all the food we could want. Why would we want that shit? And I was like, have you ever had it? He goes, no, and I never will. He goes, I'm 77. I'm not starting to eat Indian food. That's like if I found out I was gay now, how sad would that be?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'd have 18-year-old birthday parties. I'd be like, you turned 18? Let's go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
All right. I need to roll out your dough. How do you feel about cleanliness in the kitchen?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Shut up. There is some plastic somewhere in something. I don't know what it is. I'm not sure where that is it looks like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Was it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's, hold on, Monsanto. Monsanto.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
How much? Give me a ballpark. I'm not going to. Do you even remember what it was?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Like, give me a ballpark.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Is it like a AAA ballpark? Is it a pro stadium? It's a pro stadium.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's a pro stadium.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That's such a great fucking way to break that down. Right? Do I put the cheese inside here, or do I put the cheese on the bread?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I fucking love this. Have you seen people do- I saw Guy Fieri, celebrity chef, one of my favorite. Yeah, he's-
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What's the rest of it for? What's the rest of it for? Here. We have more cheese, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you think, do you think, okay, let's be real. Okay. I'm married what they call like a rescue dog. Okay. Like if she just left, she didn't hear it. She, but like you married, you married what I could, I don't know the right way to say this. Like a domineering, gregarious, go-getting fucking alpha. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's Fieri.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It might have been me because I said, Nate, I hate to tell you this, great special. I think your daughter mispronounced your name. He was like, buddy, you've been doing it for years.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Bargatze.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
As someone whose last name is Kreischer, and they call me Brent.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It should taste good at every level. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I mean, it tastes good. Everything can always use salt. There you go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This is going to be fucking good. God, I'm so glad. I'm so glad. Can I tell you what I think is the most underrated thing? Yeah. And I'm being dead serious. If you're into cooking, getting someone's cookbook and going through and saying, this is what we're doing tonight.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It is so fucking fun. I'm telling you, one of my favorite... chefs, Jamie Oliver, and the reason I got into cooking was his cookbooks.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I would get his cookbook, and then I'd say, hey, how does everyone feel about this? And everyone would be like, great. I'd have 10 people over, go to Ralph's, get the cheapest version of all those ingredients, make it, and then I'd learn how to do that. And that was in my repertoire. I knew how to do that. Yeah. Cookbooks are underrated. People go online and get recipes. A cookbook is so fun.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
The pictures are so vibrant.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Hey, there's something to this. Because, you know, there's certain porn stars where I go, I trust this person.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Like what? Like what?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Really? Everything bagel seasoning is like dragon fruit. No. Like dragon fruit looks so sexy, and then you have it, and you're like, eh. It's awful.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
If you could mix up, if you could go back in time 400 years and mash up the Jewish people with a different race. Anyone else.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Like Asians. And just for the food aspect.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Purebred German Shepherd. Oh, you married a Rottweiler. You married a Rottweiler. Like, a little unpredictable at times. A little unpredictable. Adorable. I mean, beautiful dog. Everyone stops and says, that's a gorgeous dog. And you're like, hey, just give it some space.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Well, Jewish food technically is... So let's start in Israel, right? But then it's spread out to a lot of Eastern European countries.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Those are the smartest Jews.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
The dude who owns... It might be the Nazis. It might be those Jews that say... This dude I met in New York.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Dude, if Chinese people and Jewish people had matched up 2,000 years ago, game changer. I don't even know if we'd have white people.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's like the itchy asshole joke.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Itchy asshole. Oh, everybody has one? Everyone had an itchy asshole joke at one point. And then they were like, people were stealing it. And then one day Louie said, maybe we all have just itchy assholes. Turns out. Because burritos are technically gyros, which are technically egg rolls. Not egg rolls, but what's the one with the... Everybody's wrapping up something.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So basically, banh mi is French imperialism.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Indian food is straight up white imperialism.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
British. But the rest of it. Apparently, we, not we because I'm not a part of their team, do it from there. But curry is made better in England, they say.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh. Yeah. Slavery.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Slavery. Don't. Can I tell you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You're supposed to put your finger in here to see if it's on?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's crazy that there's not a bigger guard on this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, you go in low, right? There you go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Eliza, can I ask you a personal question?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm sure you probably talked about this on stage.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What? Did you have a problem gaining weight through pregnancy with your feeling-wise? Like, did you go like, so I've never been a big chick, now all of a sudden I'm a big chick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm so close. Hold on. I'm almost done. I'm almost done.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Did you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Pilates? You do Pilates?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
When you got done with the baby, you're like, this shit's off. Or were you like, hey, you know what?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Wait, your last special, you just had a kid.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I get livid when people have dietary restrictions.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
How do you feel about people who go, oh, yeah, I don't like dot, dot, dot?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm gonna beat these up a little bit. Great. Just tenderize them, and then should we bake them? Where are you going?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no, watch this, Eliza. You're gonna hit it so hard.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. I used to do it. Can I do one? Yeah, come on over.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, please do all these.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
All right, so tell me about these, tell me about this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, should I put garlic in there too?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. And so fresh herb breadcrumb, I've never heard of this. I'm just a breadcrumb guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm trying to think of the parallel here. So like having you as a husband, is just awesome. It's like there's a lot of positives. But I want to know what those positives are for Eliza, because I know that us as comics, we have, we're in our heads, we have drama, we have- Oh, I was crying on my way here, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Hey, Leanne, come on in. How hard is it being married to a comic?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you cry in the shower? How bad, when I get in my head from being a comic, how bad is it? It's pretty bad. I mean, it's like, it's like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You know, we just started couples therapy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, and I am smoking her. Like, I have one. You're going down, Leanne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, because your life is pretty interesting.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you know what's crazy now? I'm being serious. I'm going to overshare. Oh, good. Okay, great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Our serious fights that have been serious fights are now our favorite jokes. And it's because of couples therapy. Oh, that's great. One time we were in an airport and Leigh-Anne put hands on me. I did not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I did not say I'm a public figure. I said, hold on. Fucking get the camera off her. She's not mic'd, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
She, I'm sweating so bad now. I should have never brought that up. But she, then all yesterday in the airport, she'd go, you better watch out. I'm going to put hands on you. I'm going to put hands on you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I did not say I'm a public figure. I said people know who we are.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm sweating. Can I tell you my biggest mistake in my last special? I made fun of her accent the entire special. And it got progressively worse. And what bums me out more than anything is I recently realized her accent is simply Parker Posey's accent. Oh, in White Lotus? It's, she said, Isla pointed it out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So you really want to fuck in here. I'll drink some champagne and cool down. Oh my God, that smells so fucking good. What was the mustard sauce? You can hear me, right? What was the mustard sauce you have in the book? You don't give the recipe to that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I need to be the thing. Yeah. Like, if we go to dinner... And, like, someone's like, so, Leanne, tell me about yourself. I'm like, why? Like, let me take care of this. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, what are we doing, guys? We brought you a dog bed. People always go, oh, she's the funny one at home. And I go, do you realize how insulting that is? I go, my comedy paid for our fucking house.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No. Eliza is like a little sister to us. In a weird way, there is a brother, sister, Nikki, Eliza, like Whitney. Whitney's more like a twin sister to me. But like, all you guys are mean a lot to me and they're really... The relationship I have with female comics is extremely genuine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
For whatever reason, maybe because I've been married for so long that I've never gotten in the... You're like, I've never raped any of them. Maybe that's what I meant to say. But no, but it's like I've always just had a genuine relationship with them. And so when you guys started dating, I was like, oh, cool. Everyone wants to have their friends fall in love. But I was like, who is he?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I want to know more about him. I wish there was a better way to... Look at your dials.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, like the one I'm doing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, you know what they should do? They should make noise. That's a bad idea. I just pitched the dumbest idea. So as you go low, it goes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And then it goes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I think you're burning it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I really enjoyed doing that show. Are they still doing it? He took some time off. He had back surgery. By the way, David Chang, sidebar, incredible fucking golfer.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no, no, no, no, no. That's from childhood.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Tiger Woods, good. By the way, that looks so sexy. Can you get a shot of that? That looks so sexy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You know you could have done that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You think she's the funny one? Is she here yet? Did she leave? Okay, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You could have just been more quiet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
My whole time, I wanted to be, this is what I wanted to be. This is so sad. I wanted to be the guy that girls at a party would say, do you know who we need to introduce her to? And I'd hear that and I'd go, say Bert, say Bert, say Bert. And they'd go, Tony. And they'd go, oh my God, yes, he's awesome. And I'd go, does no one say me? Never in my life did anyone ever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, well, no, but.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What does it mean if the edges are burning quicker than the center?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay. Oh, it's very hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, she doesn't watch our show. By the way, I've got to tell you right now. I'm just making stuff out of your cookbook. Great. This is my new thing, is you get these awesome cookbooks from friends, and they go, hey, what are you doing unboxing? I go, fuck that. I'll make a show about it. These are great recipes. I am making. Oh, that's awesome. What are you making? I am making.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Once. She had cerebral palsy. I didn't know it because I was so drunk, and I dated her for three days before I found out she had cerebral palsy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
In person. It was Soho, cobblestone streets. It's kind of tough to tell. I swear to God. She's a trust fund kid.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It was like the whole right side of her body didn't work.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
She was so hot. Okay. She was so hot. And my buddy Tony Hernandez, who now produces all my specials and my upcoming TV show, pulled me aside and he goes, bro, I think you need to take her out in the sunlight. And I was like, huh? He was like, something's going on with her. And I thought he was jealous.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
She was wearing... This was his, she always had like sensible sneakers on for like stability.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, like, yeah. And he was like, and I saw them and I was like, oh, that's crazy. I guess she's just really athletic. And then we went to dinner and lunch that day and she was eating with her left hand. And I was like, and everything was with the left hand. And I was like. I go, do you have a problem with your right hand? And she goes, I have cerebral palsy. And I was like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, she goes, I thought you had cerebral palsy. And I was like, I don't have cerebral palsy. I just get drunk. And she was like, oh, don't we both have cerebral palsy?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's so enjoyable to do this. Like I enjoy this. I enjoy this as much as I enjoy standup. Yeah. Really? I love cooking for people. I love making people happy. Yeah. I think the only thing- We're in the pleasure business. It's like, and when I don't make people happy, you know, like people don't like my special, I just go like, you know, my intent wasn't to outrage you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
My intent was to make you laugh. So like, can't we find a middle ground?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, that's right. I'm a one trick pony.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Well, we're about to find out. I'm going for 1,000. I'm doing a pop-up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm doing a pop-up at NASCAR.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, 100%.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What are we looking like? Oh, I look gorgeous. Should I put it, I'm gonna, I just keep it up high. You did something one time that I think about every time I get a martini. Oh. You were doing, you said... You said, ladies, just because you get on a plane. I hope this was you. I swear to God. I don't think it was me. It was you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I can probably tell you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You know. You know what it is. Here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You said, ladies, just because you get on a plane, it doesn't mean you can't have a high-end martini. And you had all the fixings for her. It was not me. It was 100% you. Nope. It was 100% you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I know it's you. You talked about going out to a restaurant and wanting to have your own drink that they didn't have. You 100% did.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Brought blue cheese olives to a restaurant.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, it wasn't a flight. It wasn't a flight. That is a different person.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. No, but you brought... You had... Blue cheese olives.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Really?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It could just be a drink. I agree with you in the sense that I was taught how to drink a martini by my Uncle Jerry. My Uncle Jerry told me this is how dinner works. When I was young, I loved... I'll tell you, like, I'm curious to hear your take on this. One thing that I will do consistently, always... I will correct a young boy on how to hold his fork and knife. Always. Always.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
The right way.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Down like daggers.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Fork like this, knife like this, cut, pull it aside like this. No!
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That has fish.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Sorry, it's this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Please, I love pet peeves.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I dated one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So it's not a palsy hand. Palsy hand is this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I think, I've always said there's podcasts that we should go on that we're not technically a part of, right? Meaning like- For sure. Like 85 South.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
One of my favorite podcasts out there. I went on it. Listen, I'm not meant for that. I'm not the part of the culture. I'm not. But I love the podcast. And I know enough of comics to be around comics and have a good time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm a knife guy. So, like, I'm really into chefs. Like, I really am into chefs. So my knife skills suck. And I aggravate real chefs because they're like, fingers back. I go, I'm fine. I'm growing up, okay?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
They're awesome. But I think more white comics should do that. Drink Champs, one of my favorite podcasts in the fucking world. Yes. Sure. All the smoke. That's a great podcast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Druski. Druski. He's arrested.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
He's so funny. He's like human Prozac. I mean, every time I watch him on something, did you see the clip of him? Falling? I saw today.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
God, he just got arrested. And he got arrested so kindly. Like they arrested him and they cuffed him. And he's too overweight. And Drewski know I'm a body positive guy. They couldn't put cuffs on him. They had to put two sets of cuffs on him. And then they had to, they couldn't get him in the back of the car. So he had to lay in the back of the car. Like when you catch a great white shark.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This was real? This was real. This is real. And you lay it down. And you have to lay it down. And I just was, my heart was breaking as a big guy. Like there's only, there are big guy moments, big guys see, other big guys go through where we get sensitive to. I want to be arrested gracefully.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And I was like, oh, fucking Drewski. You know who I like watching? I think he does stand up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
He is, by the way, he's dialing the stand up. Like he knows who's working. He knows who's doing everything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
He's fucking hysterical.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm a knife guy, and I get really obsessed with great knives, and I have so many knives that I cannot find all my knives.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
How about Shannon Sharp? He's doing great now. Yeah. Shannon Sharp?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
He's really fucking out to prove he's not gay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Shanna Sharpe, they came out and said Shanna Sharpe was gay, and this dude was like, I'll prove I'm not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You have no idea how gay I'm not. Do gay guys rape women? See? Told you I'm not gay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do gay guys beat up chicks and threaten to choke them in public? I told you I'm not gay. Do we want to put a cheese on this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Let's open another bottle of... Let's do it. Do we have mozzarella in here?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I have the same parmesan, pecorino romano.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
He could come up with stuff. Take a look in my fridge and go rate my fridge.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Take a look in my fridge. Rate my fridge. I feel like she knows your fridge.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I love this slice of a garlic. Still connected at the bottom? Yeah, still connected to the bottom.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Did you buy a shirt on the way here? No, no, no, we went hungry. We lived 20 minutes away.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you guys Zillow people's houses when you go there?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. Be honest. Do we go to people's houses? What's the question?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Are you guys still in the same house when you guys fell in love? No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Three houses? I had a house. I need a tray. I need a tray. No, it's three.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I was with Stacy when she lost the baby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That's awesome. I was with Stacey. Isn't that crazy, Stacey?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That's the only reason I cut it this way.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Hey, Leanne, watch this. Someone just perked up over there. Do you want to come in and talk about menopause real quick?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Can I ask you a weird question?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And I'm, obviously, anything you don't want me to say, I can take out. Does it bother you that sometimes you get hate from men online because you're a woman, but you know very clearly that they would have sex with you in two seconds? That they would fall in love with you and dedicate their lives to you if they met you in person?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Which is not true. It doesn't happen.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, I guess that's maturing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So wait, how did you guys meet?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You want to see something crazy?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, shut up. Is that what Bill Belichick didn't want to share?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This is, I just got a request to invest in a restaurant today.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Look at my Venmo requests. People request $5,000. Hey, I'm sure I'm right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
All the time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Nope.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It is. It needs salt, I think, definitely. Add salt. You tell me that, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, I love fucking butter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Buddy, you just asked the wrong guy to storm the hill. All I've been doing is wind sprints on hills, and I fucking love butter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Have you ever done the Omaha Funny Bone? What are we talking about here?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, of course. They have to. He might be dead.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That's from the electric company. A loaf of bread.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Bottle of milk. What is it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
A quart of milk. Yes. A stick of butter. A loaf of bread. A quart of milk. And then the kid fucks it up. Can I get you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
A loaf of milk.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
A loaf of milk. A quart of bread.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 11.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I could do this all day. It's the best. This is the guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
My go-to meal for my daughters always has been matzo ball soup without the matzo balls. Just chicken noodle soup, really, I guess, is what it is. But I do it sometimes with matzo balls, but it's not authentic. Chicken soup. Yeah, chicken soup, really. Chicken stock. Chicken stock with the... With noodles.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's not actually a real... When you think about it, it's just cutting an onion, cutting a carrot, cutting some celery, and then taking a chicken that you get at Ralph's and tearing it apart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Name one comic you'd let babysit your children. A guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Well, yeah, that would be a mistake.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Another mistake. It's Laura. You picked the fucking... Laura. Like, his wife.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, oh, yeah, okay. She's a comic. Nate could probably do it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
By the way, the butter just changed the fucking... It's the best. Look at this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Any woman, yes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Joey Diaz.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, he's a great dad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm good. I'm good. Nowadays, I'm good with little boys. That came out really wrong.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I think it still needs salt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You did?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Has she gotten on stage yet?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. It's always okay if it's in a microphone. The girls, one time I was doing, we did this Young American Comedies tour.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. Oh, yeah. We were in Irvine and we took the girls to Irvine and they're in the pajamas. They're in the green room. They got chicken fingers and they're watching Dora. And then they came out and they ran up on stage. I was on stage.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. And I was like, hey, what's going on? And they're like, I wanna tell a joke. It was Isla, and I was like, okay. She said, why did the chicken cross the road? And everyone went, why? She leaned in and she goes, why did the chicken cross the road? And everyone yelled, why? She goes, why did the chicken cross the road? Now it's getting laughs. I'm like, why?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, thank God it's a girl.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
She leans and looks around and goes, why did the chicken, and I grab the mic and go, she's an alternative comic.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Never.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Nudes, nudes, but not like... Wait, that happened to me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, my sister does that. My sister will show you a picture of her son naked.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, we're getting close, guys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So you put some olive oil on this. We'll do some, a drizzle.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You might need to throw some salt in there, buddy. I might need to. I wish I hadn't thrown all my salt into the fucking sauce.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Don't worry, the pasta's gonna be saltier. So we put some olive oil and some salt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That was so funny. You could give Leanne $20,000 in 10 weeks and she couldn't meet the person I've had sex with. She couldn't find her.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I've had people finish the whole meal and I couldn't start it. Yeah. Well, also because you're hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This is done. That's still very hot. This is going to be a shit show to clean up, guys. So, we then go pasta. I'm saving my, my tour de, what is it called? Tour de France? Not Tour de France. Yeah, that's it. You got it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Tour de force.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Force majeure.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Not French roll. What's the... Paste de resistance. That's it. Paste de resistance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yes, yes, yes. I do not know what that means. Is that cologne?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What is, what is, homemade pasta versus boxed pasta?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Tell me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I mean, I'll do it right now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at this. It's a gorgeous boy. Look at this. This is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I make sure they're gone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This is beautiful, beautiful.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you see this? Let's see what the. Now we're partying. Shut the fuck up. Look at that cross section. You see that? You get it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh my God. Can I argue that this, I'm gonna put it up like this. Yeah, there you go. So we see it. Mm-hmm. This is all you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Sauce this. Mm-hmm. Sauce this. Do we need, we'll put some pecorino marijuana. I'm starting to get to the age where I'm stopping to say the whole word. Like I know the word in my head, but I go, I'm not gonna say all of it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I love this way to slice garlic. This is my favorite way. Can I ask you a question, chef to chef? Sure, sure. Can there ever be too much garlic?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Here, I'll let you guys put your own cheese on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. Here, let me get you guys silverware, forks and knives.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
There you go. Should save the machine on it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you have a good one?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm trying this first. I've been wanting to eat this for a second.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Look at this. This is so fucking good. Leanne!
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Adult Panic Pantry. This is so phenomenal that a moron can make it. I just made it and I made it. I mean, I'm not saying I made it better than you, but I made it like unnoticeable. Like you go, this is incredible. Follow the fucking recipe. This is outrageous.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That's how we want to end this. Can you do the machine story real quick?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's so funny. I swear to God, I think about this sometimes, Eliza. You know, I'm not done telling that story. Like, I'll still tell it the rest of my life. Can you imagine having one bit you do for the rest of your life? And if you said, if someone said, you're going to be doing this every time you do stand-up for the rest of your life, would you pick the longest bit you have?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, well, when I have, it is my free bird. It 100% is. And by the way, let me, I gotta be very clear. Free birds are good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Well, I have to. When I get bored, I start adding to it. Like the big add-on that I did that then turned into a new bit in and of itself was I sang the national anthem in the middle of it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Russian and, no, just American. I don't think they have one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You think they do?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I think we're the only one with a national anthem. No, that is. I think they have like a state song.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Because when you wake up, you fart like wild.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay, Rocky IV? Yeah, but that one's changed. You think they're using the same one? Hold on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Really?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I love that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Before I had money, I offered a man to live in my house and to start a business with him. He was the best pizza maker in the world. He was out of Rome. And he made a... What's his name? I don't remember. Antonio. What?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no, he didn't live with me. No, I offered. I said, I was drunk. I was at his place. We were doing a travel tale.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Before I had money.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I said, we're going to open a restaurant on sunset. You're going to make these pizzas. He can make his pizzas in like four minutes. And he made, and I can't find this pizza to this day. He won pizza of the year with a... What's the egg yolk Italian food? Cacio e pepe? No, not cacio e pepe. With the... Come on, babe, you gotta get this. The jowl of the pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Guanciale. No, it's the fucking... Carbonara. He made a carbonara pizza.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And he created an ice cube... To put over the egg. Yeah. And he would put it over the egg yolk.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, I roast garlic. You know when they have those bags with a bunch of bags inside? I put all of that into olive oil. I roast all of it, and then I just eat garlic.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And I was like, dude, this is the greatest pizza. You can make them in four minutes. He made pizza so fast. And he was like, yeah, but I need an oven. The oven's the key. And I was like, I'll make one of those. How much do you think? And he was like, 100,000 lira. And I was like, I got that in my bank. I didn't even know what a lira was.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, shit. I could have afforded it then.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Imagine if I had invested in lira back then.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
How bad of an investment is a restaurant?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What's the worst investment? A comedy club or a restaurant?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Comedy Magic?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Where the fuck was it? Do you remember Captain Brian's? Yes. I just drooled. Captain Brian's.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
But they killed it on food. Right. Because they brought in big comics and people would come in and they'd order these. So they were like killing two birds with one stone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's so funny. I had this moment in the sauna today where I actually said out loud, I go, fucking Buffalo Wild Wings. You got my number, man. I love wings. I love flatbread pizzas. I love sports. I love beer. They've got my number. But if you... I don't know. I just was like... By yourself, you were saying... By myself, I said fucking Buffalo Wild Wings.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you remember they used to have the stinking rose here? Yes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Nothing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I would. I'd go there for lunch today.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Are you hungry? No, I'm not. I'm trying desperately. I've thrown a 5K in like two days and I'm so out of shape.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That's not how that works. Yes, it is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I can crush the carbs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I gotta lose weight to get in shape.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I need more of that. That's my favorite thing I've ever had. Can I tell you, I would just do a restaurant that just served those in a million different ways. A milkshake. A million different fashions.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, apparently not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Is that not a good idea?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
But they made a menu.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Name the one thing you'd cook at a restaurant. You have one thing. Right? One thing. That you cook? What? That's it. Only one. You have one thing you put on the menu. You got one thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no, no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Why can't it be a movie theater? I love it. Okay, I love it. I love it. I love it. Hold on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Because I always say like, Like, I mean, pizza's got my number. Like, I was listening. I must have been listening to someone talk about addiction. A lot of food's got your number. I must have been listening to a podcast about addiction today. And some guy was like, I'm powerless over alcohol. And I was like, alcohol? I was like, yeah, Buffalo Wild Wings.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, no. I was like, fucking alcohol's one thing. I got it. It's tough. Okay. But, like, chicken wings? Pizza? Yeah. Fucking ice cream cones?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I mean, everything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Okay, hold on. I will do it with you. I'm pretty wet. Let's talk. Because I am sincerely thinking about... Wet like liquid? No, I'm sweating.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm wet. I am wet, actually.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I am thinking about opening a dive bar. An old school dive bar, no windows. A brick, a brick, brick box. Wait, best dive bar in the Valley is what? Well, for me, for me, it's...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
On La Cienega. On La Cienega, across from... Spice Affair.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no, hang on. I gotta remember my name and my dive bar. Hold on. One, two, three. Fox Fire Room. Oh, okay. Fox Fire Room is pretty great. Do I need to be here? When you were just in Australia, did you ever have one of those meat pies they sell on the street?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's not your thing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It was my thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I totally believe that. This is a long meat pie. This is a meat pie.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's a meat pie. With some broccoli for fiber. I love this. I would open a dive bar. I'll even tell you what, I'll white label a dive bar.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'll white label a dive bar in the valley. If you have a struggling dive bar, I will come in. You can put my name everywhere. I'll drink there exclusively. I'll tell fans when I'm going there, they can hang out. We'll all party. But we need to serve one thing on the menu and do it well. Where people go, hang on. What you need people to say is, hang on, have you had the meat pie at Bert's?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's so cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm dying to get this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
When he was younger... I'm making Eliza's pasta sauce.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
In the middle.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And can I soft pitch the name? We call it rickshaws. And we buy five rickshaws, and we line them up outside. And if you live within a half a mile, we'll pick you up in a rickshaw, and we'll take you home in a rickshaw.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, it's in the book.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
They're quite expensive.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Let's hope to God you wrote part of it because this is, so you said five cloves of garlic, and then we saute them. We take these cans. You leave it in the can as long as possible. You want to get as much of the fluid. And then two sprigs of garlic. basil, and then we cook it for a while. That's why I'm gonna start that now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Wait, tell me why.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What is it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What's your favorite word? Okay, let's go through languages. Your favorite word to hear in that language. Mine is, mine is, all right. When they go, all right. That's a language? No, like, no, just, you go to different places. We'll get my favorite one in Britain.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
If you're gonna do coke with them, they're gonna go, you wanna get salted.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
My favorite Spanish word is, you ready for this? And I watched it when this animal attacked a child. and it sounded so cute the way he said it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm trying, I still have to eat another meal with them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I went to their site, and I'm a ring gauge guy, and I went through all the ring gauges with the wrap I like. I like a Maduro wrap and a large ring gauge, and I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I watched someone take a picture of their food one time, and I've never taken a picture of my food since.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I was at a Subway.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It broke my heart. It was a fat Mexican chick. She was like this. I was really into people eating foods.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no. By the way, on the road, Subway is like a go-to. You get a 12-inch, eat six at lunch, eat six before your show. Shut up. My order always was... Spicy Italian? No, no, no. Always was turkey. Always turkey loaded up with everything. I watched this woman. I was at Subway. I was eating my part of my six-inch. My part? And... I watched this woman take her phone. The whole thing is yours.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, I know, but the beginning part. She took her phone out. Oh, the beginning. And she had her Subway, and she was like this. She was like.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Took a picture, and then I watched her face go. And then I watched her go like this, like. And I was like, oh my God, that breaks my heart. So Black Mirror. Oh, it broke my heart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh my God. Do you remember, what was the thing Brody was always on? Brody was always on a format online, Periscope.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So there was a, I'm going to say 14-year-old black chick, maybe 200 pounds. I didn't know this. The title just said, I'm about to fuck up a burger.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
and I click and it is, it is 200 pound, 14, I'm saying 14, I'm guessing. You know the kind of hair where it's like a little, like it's like pigtails but they're puffy? And she's just sitting there in a white t-shirt at a table in a room, it looks like where they do a beheading video. And she's just sitting there staring at a burger. And it's me and two other people in the room.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
She's looking at her periscope, looking at the burger, looking at her periscope, looking at the burger, and I just write, I'm so excited for this, and I share the video. All of a sudden, 5,000 people show up in this room, and she's watching it, and I'm watching her, She goes, oh, hell no, motherfucker, and clicked off. And I have thought about that one video almost once a month.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I go, whatever happened with her? I'm dying to see it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It was an intimate thing, and I think she was looking for friends to watch it, and I wanted all of us to watch it. Are you on tour right now?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You're done.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Really? You're going to Estonia?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What's the first joke out of your hour? Do you remember it still?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
What is it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, just like, I had a little. I'm trying to, like, it's crazy how it's kind of muscle memory for us. Yeah. That you go, I know him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Because men are always like, she can't be half bad if she made one of us. One of us. One of us. That's right, I had a little boy. His penis is this big! And that's right, and all the men are like, that's still pretty big, statistically.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
In Estonian? Are you, wait, no. I can't do my opening joke for my special anymore.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm writing a new hour. Did it assault somebody? No, no, no. No, no. It was, that's right, I've lost weight. Well, not anymore, so. The joke was I lost weight. I lost so much weight, the other night I actually saw my wife suck my dick, which I'd never seen before. And I really creeped her out. I loved this part, but it never got the laugh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You know, it's like so funny, the things you, that make you giggle. Yeah, yeah. I have so many, I run through a number of things that I think are so funny, and I said what really creeped her out, I was like, Alexa, turn on master bedroom lights. Nothing. I think I said master. Anyway.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Maybe.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I guess no one calls it a master bedroom.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
the last chunk usually. My daughters and my wife check out the last chunk. Like they watched me, I did the forum and they came out to the forum and they watched that and Georgia was not in love with it. And Leanne wasn't either, but I wasn't listening to them. I was like, you guys are off. Trust me, it works.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And then the producer and director of my special were like, yeah, I'm not in love with it. And I was like, wait, what? And they're like, it just is coming off angry. What had happened is I... It's aggressive material, but I had done it so much that I had just, I was just going through the motions.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So there was no smile in it. And it was all negative about Leanne getting older. But it was fun negative. It was like, I love her, obviously. But if you're not smiling, you're not joking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I mean, you have no idea.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You will too.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
That's so interesting. Do you cook at all?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I only say this, and I say this exactly to both of you. Just slow it down and enjoy it. It happens so fast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I said the only thing, I said it to a... Dude's in the airport. I don't know why his skin color matters, but black dude with his daughter in the stroller. And I looked over at him, only because he recognized me and I didn't expect him to recognize me. And I was looking, we just were with Isla at college. Just there with her. And I looked at this, he's just starting it brand new.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And I went, it happens in a second. And he goes... were you visiting Isla? And I went, I was. And he went, yeah, I know, man. And you're just like, God, it just happened so fucking quick. And what's crazy is like, there are nights when you're up with your kids and you're going, let it happen faster. Where you're like, just fucking shut up and go to bed. Do you really? I thought, that's okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I would imagine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
We had a nanny. We had a nanny and we couldn't afford one. If you can have a nanny, you should get a nanny.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I forgot about Blanche until right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Can I tell you, you posted something when Blanche passed away that I didn't understand at the time, and I broke the rules. But I get now. I totally get now. Where you said, Blanche has passed. I do not need text from you. I don't need anyone to reach out. I just want to go through this and get through this. And I was like, I shouldn't mean that. And I texted you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
And you texted back, thank you, whatever. And then recently I went through something and I was like, oh yeah, sometimes you don't want to deal with it. People know what's happened. You have to let people know what's happened. Blanche was such a huge, huge part of your life. And all I remember thinking at that time was like, I think you would
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You were about, no, no, you guys had just started dating?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
You were married, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
But you weren't always into cooking. You wanted to be a playwright at first, right? Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
But I remember going like, oh, she's, because Leanne's like that with animals. Yeah. If you are a woman that is great with animals, like you connect, you have voices for them, you have songs for them. Whole world. Whole world, you create a whole new world.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Honestly, this is going to sound so fucked up. Luxury for me is to be able to live my life, but be healthy enough to continue living it. So for me, it's to have a trainer, to have a sauna, to have a cold plunge, to have a longevity doctor, to have an IV therapist that comes twice a week, and then so that I can keep being me and not change who I am.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I'm going to fucking call Sam Morrell right now. Did you see that clip? Are you being serious right now? Are you being fucking serious right now? I just said to Sam Morrell, I do what LeBron does for his body, but for my body.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
God damn it, now you're doing it. I was on your team right then. Yes, I do. I compare.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I was so close to the fucking finish line.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
We almost had it out. God damn it. No, that's luxury for me. My version of luxury has nothing to do with cars or houses or like any of that. It is to be taken care of physically by specialists so that I can keep parting my balls off.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Hey, we have to do a double date. I'm fucking, this is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Let's do it. This has been a great, great, great episode. It was a blast. I ran out of water an hour ago. Thank you so much. We could fill these up, finish a glass, let them clean. You guys don't have to leave. But Eliza, tour starts in September.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yes. And then the book, I've said it a number of times, the fucking food was amazing. I cooked everything out of this book. This should be the fucking move for the show. I don't know why.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Oh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Amazon Prime.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Congrats on the special. Congrats on the book. Thank you so much. Thank you for doing this episode. Thank you. Such a blast. Love you to death. I love you to death. And I'm so glad I got to spend time with you. We have to do this more often.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I would love to.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
If you're having a drink, I'll have a drink. I'll have a drink. Yeah, let's open up all the champagne. Champagne doesn't count.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It's like Xanax. It doesn't count.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Can I give you, hang on, can I give you a hint of what to do?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I did this on a plane the other day, and it was fucking brilliant. I put my finger in two of them. I can't remember how I did this. It was so brilliant. Is this the ones you're bringing us now? No, no, no. When they brought the champagne glasses, I grabbed one, but I put my fingers in two, and I went, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'll just take both these.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, and I was like, it was brilliant.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
No, no, shut up. Do you have any idea how much I drink on private jets that? You've seen me first of all you wanted that cheap champagne so bad that you were like let me germ this oh That badly I have to drink before I fly that's why like people bust my balls about flying private I have fun private I am miserable on a private jet. Have you ever seen me cry on a private jet?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I hate flying.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah, I hate flying. I mean I cry I The first time I realized I had a problem flying, I was 17, I was 18, and we were flying to the Virgin Islands, my family. And this is before people identified panic disorder. And I had a panic attack on the flight. And my dad and my two sisters mocked me publicly. Like, I'm talking openly to the plane. And I was having a panic attack.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Brody was always on a format online, Periscope.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Just shy of that. Just shy of that. They were laughing so hard, and I was crying. And they were laughing that I was crying. And my mom, in this real weird moment, goes, are you being serious? And I went, mom, how do you think I could fake this? And she was like, hey, I think something's wrong with him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I was shaking. I was crying. I couldn't speak. I was having a full-blown panic attack. I'm already burning the garlic. It's okay. We're going to put sausage in here anyway. That's what the show's called. Yeah, something's burning. But yeah, I have a really hard time flying.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah. So I'd rather fly on the big planes because they're so much more comfortable.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Really expensive. Vouv.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
So let's get back to cooking. Yeah. By the way, I could talk to... You know, it's like... I've said this a number of times. Eliza is one of my favorite human beings and by far one of the funniest comedians I know in just like a hang. I did her podcast. God, this was right when I started vlogging.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It must have been, it was so long ago.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
It was so long ago. Oh my God. You did it above the improv.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Do you remember I couldn't remember how old I was?
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
I mean, it's the fucking, she is one of my favorite human beings alive.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Thank you.
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
But just hysterical. And so I can do a podcast with Liza, eyes closed. But I'm so lucky to do it with you because I've seen so much of you guys together. I've never gotten to hang out with you. Oh, that's awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Are you into basketball?
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Really? Yeah. Is that because you grew up in L.A. and the Lakers were so big?
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
Wait, were you a Clippers fan?
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Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
To Dave, you said, how old is Elias? Like a 27? Thank you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Iliza Shlesinger + Noah Galuten + The World’s Greatest Sausage Bread | S5 E11
This might be... I've never given a shit about any... I mean, sports-wise, I'm a fan, and I love watching the games, but you're not going to affect me emotionally at all.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And I thought that was the ledge. So I backed up thinking, you can still not see my junk from the ledge. Now, here's what you need to know. Here's what you need to know. A penis is buoyant. So it floats up and faces the camera. So you can't see anything. Make an eye contact. There's no... You can't see how intimidating it is when it's looking you in the eye. No, yeah. It's just three balls.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's three balls. And I'm like this. And my phone, I go back to my phone, and my manager goes, I just saw your dick in a text. I go, huh? This is all happening live. I go, I need my reading glasses. I think she said she just saw my dick. And then I was like, oh, another one. Oh, Aaron from the improv. You're naked online. You're naked online? I'm not naked online. Guys, I backed up again.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It was so fucking bad. That's fine. And I was a grown man. Right. That's a grown ass man too. Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah. You were almost naked on the podcast yesterday. You think so? Can I, just as like an adult, I was like, it's a little distracting because you no bra, one button. Is that like generational? I think that's just girls dress up right now. But I had a sweater on. I had like a big sweater on. I'm sorry. It was not a sweater. It was a cardigan. It was a cardigan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Let's not say we were wearing a sweater. You were wearing a cardigan with one button, three undone, three undone. And I'm like going like, yo. I'm like looking you in the eyes. I don't look people in the eyes when I talk.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, no, no. I guarantee you Daisy's not wearing a bra right now. I don't own bras. Daisy came down one time. I don't even have a bra. This is Daisy. Daisy came down one time. Do you remember this, Leanne? She came down in underwear to eat breakfast. I go, yo, what the fuck are you doing? She goes, they're bloomers. What did you say they were?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
A lot. Even more about your friends. Could you dare say too much? I have an issue with you. Is that, because my daughter's a little bit younger than you. Yeah. And I was like, I'm like, I'm... I was saying to Leanne last night, I'm like, I'm so protective of her. Like I don't want her to be in the place. What was I saying, babe? Do you remember what I was saying?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay, cool, cool. We don't do that, okay? Let's make a rule. Sweatpants. Sweatpants, sweatshirt, full bra. Socks. I got to start cooking. Wait, hold on. So wait, I want to know, what was your first jump when they started attacking you? The first time. The first time, not the last week.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
She's got a whole snark Reddit. Do you have one of those? I'm sure I do. I'm sure you do. Hers is like... It's like 25,000 people community.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, it's more.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's the wildest thing I've ever seen.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Can I tell you, wouldn't it be great if you got just a real profile of that person? That's the thing. So I'm going to tell you a secret, okay? I'm going to tell you a secret. I love this secret. This is my favorite secret ever. I'm debating whether or not to share it because I'm kind of outing someone.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You don't have to give names. Okay, I won't give names. There we go. I like giving names. Okay, give a name. I have a buddy. I have a buddy who's like a very, very big tech guy who was at one point in charge of the biggest American tech security company. Am I saying this right, Pete? In the world. Okay?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I met him. He liked my stand-up. I met him. He's a cool dude. Still friends with him. And he said, hey, man, if you ever, he introduced me to a man that is possibly one of the wealthiest men in the world. He said to me, casually, over a cigar and scotch, if you have a problem, like, you know, with anyone online, we can always be a help. So I had a problem. A guy wanted to kill me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I was posting these things online. What would the maid think? Where I'd leave the room in a crazy way. They were really funny. They were really, really funny. But one guy got really upset. And he said, I think you're going to find it funny when I murder your family and I leave them in a room in an interesting way for you to find them. And I got really scared. It was very early in my career.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And I hit this guy up. And I said, yo, hey, man, this happened. Is this, like, real? And he goes, get back to you in a day. Got back to me in, like, 10 hours. And he goes, he lives. Gave him his address. He lives in his mother, his mother owns a house. It's his grandmother's house. He lives in the basement. He works here. This is what he does for a living. He's of no threat. Don't worry about it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We're good. You're good. And I went, cool. And then he wrote back, just giving you a heads up, that's not what I was talking about. He was like, I'm not going to just research everyone that doesn't like you online. But that feeling of knowing who that guy that wanted to kill me was, was so fucking like, oh, so it's not real. It's not real, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I was like, she's, this is too much for being 25. Like this, no one should have all this shit on their shoulders at 25. And it's crazy because I, you know, I think I'm your friend, but I'm really older than your dad probably.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It sucks when you're a chick and you do it because it's a little more threatening.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's a little more scary. It's like I go, all right.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Is there a part of you that thinks you could switch a stalker to just a solid van?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like, I always go, like, I wish I could just meet my stalkers or the people that are trying to kill me and just go, like, because I've had a few. I've had a few. Where I just go, hey, guys, dude, let's just hang out over here. Right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Now, I'm going to be careful with that statement because I think that got me in trouble one time. Why? Because I said that. I was like, the people that hate my guts honestly would love me if they met me.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
How do you shotgun a beer? I just... Okay. Those are fucking... So how do I do it?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Can you do mine? You can't do the tooth?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I got settler's teeth. Yeah, I can do this. I would just take like any sharp thing that you can just kind of push into it. And then you go, what area you go?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You kind of want to get to the bottom because then you can finish it.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Me neither. It's been a long time.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's going to be cold. It's not going to go down easy.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And you crack it. Yeah, give it a little break out. Hey, guys. Wait, this is a small hole, guys. Hey, to getting rid of Dave out of the podcast. To bigger and better. Cheers. Cheers. Oh, it hurts.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Have you had a kidney stone?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So apparently this is the worst thing. Rachel, onions and flour, right? Looking for a boost in the bedroom? HIMS is here to help with personalized ED treatment options, and it's all online. HIMS is changing men's health care by providing you with access to affordable sexual health treatments from the comfort of your couch.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm 52.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
He's almost 60. Rogan's 57. Yeah, I know. Just so you know, if me and your dad hung out, we'd have a lot more in common than me and you. That's true. We remember communism. What's that? But isn't it bizarre to be this young and be doing it? I mean, we don't know anything else.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's H-I-M-S.com slash burning for your personalized ED treatment options. HIMS.com slash burning. The products mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Prices vary based on product and subscription plan. This show is sponsored by Cornbread Hemp. Life. has been a little crazy lately. And the one thing that helps me unwind, absolutely, has not been booze. It's been cornbread hemp's CBD gummies.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Just head to cornbreadhemp.com slash burning. And use code burning at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com slash burning. And the code is burning. This show is sponsored by Cigars International. Cigars International is the ultimate destination for premium handmade cigars. Known as the industry leader, Cigars International offers the largest selection, unbeatable prices.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Kidney stones are the worst thing in the fucking world.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'll burp you.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm just getting wet beer on your hair, by the way, right now from my hand.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You took a taxi to the ER?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We got a lot of tubes. Three. One that goes to the Fallubiums, and then one that goes... Fallubiums? Fallupians. Fallupians. I thought the Fallubians beat the Greeks with the big horse. Phoenicians. Phoenicians. Close. Can I tell you what I should do? I should give you guys Peter to work for you so he can hang out with people his age. Peter's the one that looks like Jon Snow over there.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
What's up, Peter? How you doing? And he just hangs out with old people all the time and he's like, cool. Don't know what Weird Al Yankovic is.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, he was, we just had him and Thomas Lennon on the podcast.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, wow.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Awesome. Have you ever heard of a play called Head? Hamilton? Yeah. You haven't. Have you?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I was joking. I thought you were. I had not.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I was trying to go down a little bit of a nicer approach. No, no, no, no. You know what I mean, though? I love it. No, I love it.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
What are we on, fucking?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I would never go to a play.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hamilton's a pretty sick experience. No, I know, I know. By the way, I misheard what you said. You go, I went to Chicago on Broadway, and I was like, huh, how does that happen? Is that American Airlines?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, dude, I looked at, like, every year Leanna would want to take the girls to the Nutcracker, you know, for Christmas. And I was always like, you mean like a field trip? We're going to the Nutcracker like a field trip, right? I was like, I never enjoyed that as a field trip, let alone I'm not going to enjoy it now as a dad paying for it.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No snacks. Babe, what was the one we went to about death? About death? We went to the play at the Pantages. It was all about... It's all plays. Death. I think all plays have death in them. Musical. Musical. Hadestown? You're all gonna die. You're all gonna die. Everyone's dying. The Lorax. Dead, dead, dead.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
In L.A., in L.A., remember when I got high and I ate all the Skittles? Book of Mormon. One Book of Mormon.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I don't know. I'm never going to see it. I don't know if it's five hours.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, it's like really long. It was long. Yeah, there's a break in between. Wait, you went to it? Yeah, I've gone to Hamilton. That went once.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's not bad. Wait, hang on. So like last night I'm watching you two interact with the room.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And I'm thinking you guys are so young. What's the goal? What's the goal? Like when I got into stand-up, my goal was maybe a sitcom, cool to do a movie. Touring was great. Yeah. But I had very attainable goals. Yeah. Your goals are established in a time where it's like the media landscape is changing entirely. And you're at the forefront of it. Yeah. Like actually. So what are your goals?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I mean, I feel like when I'm there, it's, yeah. Right now, for me, it's a lot of, like, you know, like, trying to meet, like, the CMO of Pepsi's there. So it's like, okay, how do we talk with him and close the deal with him? Or, like, Fullwell's there. Or, like, 72 and Sonny. Like, how can we get something going on with my production company and theirs?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like, I think it's mainly a networking thing. It's how I look at it.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
What's kind of crazy with you guys is, like, you're how you should be thinking about this business. Thank you. And you're how you should be thinking about this business. Yeah. Creatively and business-mindedly, I think that's where I've gone. It makes me a little sad that I'm at a certain point in my career where I go, I just grab the bag and leave, you know? Where I go, create the bag.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts. And of course the mind blowing production and pyro, the band is known for, and I am telling you, I've seen that firsthand. We saw them on tour. The whole, our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It is nerve-wracking. That's why a lot of older people don't do it. It's weird to put yourself out like that. Like, when you're putting yourself out at 13, you don't give a fuck about anything.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like, that's where you're at. I think that's cool as shit.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, I mean, for me, I feel like the dream's always been like, make enough where it's like at 28, I can say, see you later. Go live on a golf course. Be a stay-at-home dad. Coach my kids in all their sports. Four kids. Golf every day. That'll be good. He says this every day. That's all I want. That's all I want.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So mine was 33. Okay, yeah. Mine was 33. I was on a golf course. We were playing a par three in Orlando. And I said, if I had a hole-in-one, this is how stupid I was. I go... I'll make a million dollars by the time I'm 33, and I'll be able to retire. Hell yeah. I didn't know what money was, you know? And I didn't hit the hole in one. I was like, God damn it.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I was like, I'm going to be older than 33? Hey, how are you with your parents?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Italian?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm German-Irish, 50-50 split, whole thing. Can you cook Italian food?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You feel like you're letting down your people by not being an Italian woman. Can you do your best Italian woman impression? Like, listen.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, that's... No, no, that was not from Italy. Oh, no. No, hey, I don't know your language. No, give me Italian. Give me Italian. Like, where'd you go? Long Island?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, you don't even have, like, a conscious developed yet.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Ugh.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, no, no, I'm just kidding. Gronk and I just lit up Boston dudes.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We were talking about on a TV show about, I don't know, we were talking about something. I was like, who's more exhausting? And I put this to you. Who's more exhausting as a man to me? A guy from Boston, a guy from New York, or a guy from Texas?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You can do whatever you want. So, no, I definitely think it also gives you more time.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I love that you answered that quickly. I don't think it's Texas, though.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Texas guys, they put on a cosplay. They're like, well, hey, man. How you doing? For a girl, I can understand why. For a girl, I can understand.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Well, my mama would love it. God dang, go ahead.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, my God.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You love a New York dude where he's like, I'm from fucking Brooklyn.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
My neighborhood. You don't know who my dad is. That fucking is crazy.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Let me destroy Boston dudes for you. Okay. This is the typical Boston dude. Where are you from? I'm from fucking Boston. And you go, where? And he goes, fucking outside Boston, you know, Newton, Medford, you know, one of those. And you're like, so wait, you grew up in Boston? He goes, yeah, but like 45 hours outside of Boston. I didn't like grow up in Boston, but like, were you from Southie?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
He goes, no, I've never even been there. But dude, the fucking socks. And by the way, I have fans in all those cities. Can I tell you the most beautiful man that exists? Because he's so gross. Philadelphia.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Can you establish to the audience, just so everyone—because I know this. Yeah. I had the most—I'm talking too much already. I don't know this. I had the most beautiful moment introducing him to Harry Connick Jr. last night. Yes.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Those fucking Delco boys. Delco boys, yeah. They're fucking gross and I love them.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
How dare you?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
In the best way. In the best way. You know, I'm from Florida so we always got shit on because we're from Florida.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Say the bad thing. No, I don't remember what it was. Oh, here, have this.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You grew up in Southie? Mm-hmm. Are you serious?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'll take it. I used to walk to school when I was five by myself. Do you realize how hot of a Southie chick you'd be? Like if you were fucking just an alcoholic, fucking snort a little too. Just still there. Yeah, still there. And you're like, yo, Mickey, let me see your pecker.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hey everyone, today I'm so excited to talk to you about the one app every small business owner needs. It's called Found. You're going to wish you'd heard about Found when you first started your business, but trust me, it's never too late to start making managing your finances a whole lot easier. Found is a business banking platform that lets you effortlessly track,
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
expenses, manage invoices, and prepare for taxes. You can even set aside money for different business goals and control spending with different virtual cards. Found consolidates your financial ecosystem for you and frees up your time so you can focus on growing your business. I'm telling you right now, I have a small business and this is a no-brainer.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It really helps you put everything together and lets you see it in one place. And oh, by the way, Other small businesses are loving Found too. This Found user said, Found is going to save me so much headache. It makes everything so much easier. Expenses, income, profits, taxes, invoices even. And Found has 30,000 five-star reviews just like this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm really good. Yeah. Because I care about you guys. So I want to make sure you know the people I know because I want you guys to blow up and have everything you want in life. I don't do it to people I don't like. I do it to KFC radio. I do it to barstool guys, to Boston with the Boys. I like the people I like. I want them to know everyone I know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Open a Found account for free at found.com slash burning. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by Piermont Bank, member of FDIC. Don't put this off. Join thousands of small business owners who have streamlined their finances with Found. Okay, can I ask you a weird question? Is it creepy to have a 52-year-old guy like what you guys do?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, because I never feel, I kind of feel like, like even like Feidelberg. I text him, I was texting him or FaceTiming him today. Feidelberg's like 34.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I know.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
He seems like a child.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's fucking dead to me.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Dude, he was the... I told you guys this yesterday. I'll bring it up again. But we took them to Amsterdam. The funnest two guys. Do you know the story of what happened?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Never mind. You know the story.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, remind her so I can know.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You don't know that? What, now I have women resting and I just become a girl?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
God damn it. We went to a place called the Banana Club, I think. What's sad is the guys that work the door know me, okay? I swear to God, and they're like, oh, the machine. I was like, what's up, boys? And they're like, private room? I go, yeah. So we go up, and it's a full fucking, I mean, it can be creepy if you're that guy, but it's not with us because we're all boys.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So the one thing they do is they, the girl puts a banana in her vagina, and you eat the banana out of her vagina. And then there's another thing where they put the, and this is, don't frown like it wouldn't be cool. Stacey, it's not what you say. It sounds worse. And then they put a dildo in the dude's mouth and they fuck the dildo.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And then the woman shoots a dildo out of her vagina into the crowd. This is why this is so awesome. So this all happens. What's that? This all happens, and it's Feidelberg for all of it, okay? And it's fucking hysterical. He has no idea what he's signing up for, but I do. And they're like, who wants to do the banana trick? And I was like, oh, Feidelberg. And he's like, fuck yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And the girl does it, and he's like, no. And then they're like, all right, done, done, done, done, done. He's like, thank God. They're like, face massage? He goes, yeah. He lays back on the thing, dildo in the mouth. He's like, what the fuck? And then she sits on top of it. And then she shoots it out of herself into the crowd. And Eve from Entourage catches it. He walked in the bar at the random.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
He goes, whew, let's go Yankees. It was the greatest fucking moment ever. Pete, you were there. That's great. It was crazy. It was fucking crazy. And we lost a dude. We all ate mushrooms and one dude disappeared and we lost him. And we all walked out of the fucking, do you remember this? We all walked out of the strip club and we're like, whatever happened to Mark Smalls?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Can you explain to everyone, because I did it to Harry Connick Jr. and tried to explain you. Can you explain to everyone watching that may go like, wait, I know that guy. How do I know that guy? But explain your story of starting when you did and the content house and all that.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And he goes, look who showed up. And he just showed up out of the fucking canal. It was the greatest goddamn fucking night of our lives.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It seems creepy for me to take kids.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's not creepy.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'll tell you what. My girlfriend would take an X-Acto knife and chop my dick off in the middle of the night if I did something like that.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hold on, hold on. You, hang on. Can you go to strip clubs?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I got a Brazilian girl, dude. She's not about that. It's not, but it's not the same thing. It's like, going to strip clubs is different than, like, cheating. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Not to Gabriella Mora. For real? Not to Gabriella Mora. That is a girl getting you hard. That's cheating in her head.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I mean, if they're throwing ass. Yeah, who gets harder at the strip club? Come on now, Brie. Yeah, yeah, I know. That's so weird. You get hard dicks.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Just because I can still get hard. Come on now. Don't come at me like that. I'm on testosterone. I'm hard right now.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
The little fist bump got you going. I had just any sense of touch. I can. Yeah, you definitely get hard dicks at strip clubs. I know, I know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
What?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay. Warning. I heard what you heard. Warning. No, I also think it's like, this is my opinion, and I hope this goes out as a public service message. If your chick doesn't like you at strip clubs, you guys need to talk about who she knows you to be. Like, my wife has no problem with strip club, but she also knows. I mean, she'll tell you right now. His girlfriend's also 19.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, yeah. I mean, so I started when I was 13. It started out because my sister put me in a video. So she was doing like some dancing video on Musical.ly. She asked me to get in it. To us, it went viral, got 50 likes. But to us, that was as big as it could get. There were three comments on it. from girls asking for my username. So I was feeling myself a little bit, you know?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
She's 19? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's 20. She's 20. Sorry, sorry. Oh, God. Thank God, right? Yeah, yeah. From Brazil? She's just young. Was she, like, a Muay Thai fighter or something? No, no, no, no. Model? She's a model. She's beautiful. For real? Let me see a pic. What do I do with you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, I have my phone screen saver. And by the way, you're also allowed to be a chick and go, like, He's so hard. Can someone get my glasses? That is a very attractive young lady.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah. She speak English? Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But she has an accent, and it's... But just enough of the accent where it's still like... She gets mad at me, and I'm like, hey, baby, you're just turning me on right now. Yeah, don't go to strip clubs, dude. Fuck strip clubs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's what I'm saying. Why do I need strip clubs? Why would you go to strip clubs if that's at all? No offense, baby. I didn't mean that like that. No, but like, that's fucking... Okay, cool, man. Cool trade-off. You don't want to go to strip clubs? Also. Great. You don't want to meet Betty? Done. Done. Whatever. Jesus Christ. That doesn't even look real. Is that AI? No, it's crazy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's not even... That's a human being. That was just off like a phone picture I took. Where were you guys?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Someone sent me a picture. They were like, taking pictures of your girlfriend right now. They took a little picture.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hey. Yeah, good for you, man. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, I realize I'm lucky. I wouldn't throw it away for a strip club. Trust me.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Speaking of which, this looks aggressive. Can I get some help? I need a caller. Give me one second. Can I get some help on how to make these? I don't know what I did, but it's all stuck together. Oh, here. Can I grab a beer? Yeah, please, please, please, buddy. I'm sorry.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, it's all good.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You got your hands in a... Are we... Okay, so lay this out. Yes.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
In groups of four?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, okay.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, great.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I got very high with Pac-Man Jones. You smoke weed?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We met on the show. What? Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yep. Wait, are you serious?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Because you guys seem like you have good chemistry.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Well, yeah, I think it's we actually get along, so it helps.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But... But, no, we... It was me and Dave at the beginning of the podcast. How did that happen? It was just us.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So it started with a friend of mine had tried to hook up with my girlfriend at the time. She calls me about it. I'm like, all right, thanks for letting me know. Noted. Um... Then, like, a few months go by, and he's, like, cheating on his girlfriend a bunch and sending out, like, flinging out, you know, dick pics left and right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So then I was like, all right, all right, maybe I need to get into this app. Maybe I need to start this. So started making videos. Really, really when it started, it was just, it was live streaming is actually where I was doing a lot of it. For real? Yeah, so I would do lives for four hours a night, 10 p.m. till 2 a.m., being as quiet as we could so me and my sister didn't wake up our parents.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And he had this one that got leaked where he put the caption on it, still softish, winky face, trying to, like, insinuate his dick is bigger than it is. You know what I mean? He was trying to, like, have the girl be like, hey, don't worry about it. So that gets leaked, and I go, well, this is the perfect opportunity. So I make a diss track called Still Softish. It was the biggest song ever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So I make a whole rap song dissing this guy with the title of it being Still Softish. So I make that song, goes trending on YouTube, gets, like, me a record deal. So I sign with Warner Records. Oh, yeah, that's the way where you got in trouble with fucking, yeah. That's what blocked me because Zach was with Warner. So then, yeah, it was like...
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
50 plus million on YouTube, like 50 mil on Spotify, Apple Music.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It was absolutely bananas. And then Dave had seen it start to come into his timeline. Like all of a sudden this like drama from this TikTok world came into his timeline. So he tweets out and he goes, why are these wiggle dickers showing up on my Twitter timeline? So I reached out to him. I'm like, why don't you come on Instagram live with me and I'll tell you all about it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So he comes on on the Instagram live and We have like, I think it was like 100,000 concurrents watching us. What's that mean? Like at one time, 100,000 people. Oh my God. Not like throughout the whole stream, like at one time. How many people follow you on Instagram right now? like five something million or something like that. Jesus Christ. But we go live. We do that together. It does well.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Snapchat ends up reaching out, being like, we want to make a show with you and Dave. We want to make a show with you and Dave. So I get on a call with Dave, like 30 minute, like 30 minute call scheduled. We're one minute in. We tell him like, hey, Snapchat wants to do this show. He goes, I'm not doing anything with Snapchat. Like, all right. He's so amenable.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We had 29 minutes left on the call and he had already shut down the only thing we were bringing to the call.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And we were like, okay. What about if we do what we were doing on that show where I bring drama and I talk about the drama going on in social media and I bring it to you and then you can give your takes on it.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And that's what built up the podcast, built up BFFs. We started that. It was just me and him at the start. We were like, there needs to be another opinion here. There needs to be somebody else. We tried out a couple of the other guys, Tommy Smokes, a couple of other guys at Barstool. Didn't work. Then Brie came on. We were like, this is what we're missing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We need a female perspective on this podcast. Like, we need someone that's going to come in and be like, ah, you guys are fucking, you aren't right on this one. So it was too bro-y. It was too bro-y. Also, I had a very, like, my audience is female dominant. So when we were doing the podcast, a lot of females were watching it. So it was like, we needed somebody to come in.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Dave's audience isn't necessarily female dominant. Not at all. Not at all. So yeah, he was the perfect person.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'd be shocked if a woman in this room knew his last name. My wife. My wife. There you go. There you go. Well, I guess these guys' demographic. But yeah, keep going.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But that's, I mean, that's pretty much it. She came on and then it was, we were like, this is it. This is a perfect fit. And that's where we met. That was the first time we met. Really? Doing the podcast. I didn't even meet her. I met her virtually like for the first time. She was on the Zoom call. We did the podcast together. First time we hung out was the strip club though. That's true. 11.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Gold Rush. Gold Rush, yeah. Where's this? Where's this? Miami. He thought it was crazy. Miami. Wait, tell me about it. I love strip clubs. I was 19. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Where'd you grow up? I grew up about an hour outside of Toronto. So a small little town called Coburg. As he said, hour. I went, oh, yeah. There it is. There it is. But yeah, just started doing videos, doing live streams. We started making money off of it. Then my dad thought I was like selling drugs because he was getting money routed through his PayPal into my bank account.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's where our friendship sparked. Yeah. I remember my first impression of Brie. We're sitting there. It's a little bit like, you know, we don't really all know each other yet. Yeah. Hanging out at a strip club for the first time. And Brie taps me and she goes, hey, watch this. takes a wad of like whatever, like $200 in ones, just fucking chucks it on the ground.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
This stripper comes over and she goes, pick that shit up. And the stripper starts picking up the money and she just slaps her ass. She just starts slapping her ass. 100% exactly what happened. That is like the first time I had had this interaction with a Greek. 100% no, you threw, because I remember I came in and gave money.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It was crazy. So you did do it. You just admitted to doing it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, you weren't saying it disrespectfully. No, but hang on. We're going through this right now. No, you're just trying to tell the best story possible.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Exactly.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You're not trying to make the person look bad. No. But what you're doing, and we're dealing with this right now, oh, I'm sorry, is that she's in her integrity trying to make sure that her voice is represented. Right. Pick that up. Pick that shit up. But I understand it. I understand it. You dumb whore. Pick that up. That's how a story works.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I could have made you sound worse. I feel like most of the time when I'm at a bar and I get a couple of drinks in me, I just start talking to people that are like double my age. I just talk to people that are like 40 plus.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I saw it happen with Harry Connick Jr. last night.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's the only people I talk to when I get toasted. I'm just there talking to them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You know, I told that story like three times today. It's a good story. You talking to Harry Connick Jr.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
How did it go? I had no idea who he was before I met him, which felt like the way you gave him the intro, it felt insulting that I didn't know who he was before I met him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's not insulting. It's generational. Harry Connick Jr. is 56 years old. Mm-hmm. He is from New Orleans. He is a god here. This is his town, without a doubt. He's a crooner before... Like Buble, you were saying? Buble, before Bieber, before all that. In a weird time in media, when grunge showed up, Harry Connick showed up singing like ballads. Oh. And it hit with all of us.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And then he started doing movies. And then he was like all of a sudden this actor and he's gorgeous. He's a good looking guy. And his daughters were with him. So I had introduced myself before. I'm a huge fan. I was like, I'm a huge fan. And his daughters, as I turned around, his daughters recognized me and told him, yo, that's dad, that's Bert Kreischer. He's a comedian. And so I heard that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I heard that. And then they were like, oh my God, there's Josh Richards. And I was like, I can't let you go in. I couldn't let you go in just blind and be like, it's cool to meet you, man. I think you meet someone's dad.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
yeah yeah i was like i had to give you i did i did they did say hi and i said hi to them and like whatnot i met the daughters and the i'm assuming that was his wife that was there with him yeah uh you mean everyone that was beautiful yeah yeah that's his family he's gorgeous they're all gorgeous yeah his wife is a supermodel his wife when supermodels showed the fuck up like in 1995 right see
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Earlier, his wife was the supermodel. Oh, sick. The fucking supermodel.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
They're a family that their genetics are so good, you're almost like, keep it within the family, right? Wait, can you show me what he looks like? Google it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to need that name one more time. Harry Connick Jr.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So he sits me down one day and he's like, hey, you know. I did my fair share. I did my fair share. I get it. But you can't be doing this. We raised you. And I'm sitting there. I'm like, hey, man, I'm making videos in the basement. I'm like, just I'm going live. Yeah. Then he thought it was like he was like, oh, I don't know. I moved my share of moose knuckle back in the day. But I understand.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Fucking love you, Josh. Thank you. Love you, too. So, but yeah, it was really cool. You've seen him before. I know you've seen him before in movies. Well, you definitely saw him last time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Is it terrible that we know him from Dolphin Tale? Is that terrible that that's how we know that guy? Nope. It's perfect. That's how we know him.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
He's in Dolphin Tale 2? Hey, I'm going to need a stronger drink, and you need another one. Can you make a couple vodka sodas, and you need a stronger one?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, why not? Throw it in. Do we have tequila? I'm going to be drunk.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I own a vodka company. I love vodka.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I actually do love vodka. Vodka sodas. Let's run it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So wait, why not start an OnlyFans page? For myself? Both of you. Both questions. Why not? So wait, let's talk money, right? Right, right, right. You're a money guy. Your brain's in money. How much do you think you, OnlyFans, there's going to be a lot of dudes, right? But how much do you think you can pull in on OnlyFans?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's going to be sexual.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, but is it like my whole dick and balls? Or am I like... Yeah, no, I'm not looking at your smile. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I mean, yeah. I want to watch him cum on his stomach. Yeah, like, hold on. Hang on. Hang on. No, no, no, no. Hang on. Don't everyone open their fucking mouth. Everyone's like, oh. No, I'm telling you, I'm not saying me personally. I'm saying the consumer. Speaking as a consumer, I understand. I'm not saying me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I am so glad this happened with him and not her. The eye, the collective eye wants to see you jerk off and come on your stomach.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
How much do you think you make? Maybe a million. Maybe a million. No, you're out of your fucking mind. Max. What do you make on fucking just TikTok? I know, by the way, we've never cracked head. I hear people go, I monetize my TikTok, and I'm like, huh? What the fuck are you talking about?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Well, you can make it, like, if you post minute-long videos, then you get paid. It's not like a crazy. The way you monetize your TikTok is when you do brand deals.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, well, I've done that. And I'm currently doing that with Sweat House. Sweat House is a great brand. They have infrared saunas. They're in eight locations in Southern California, and I can't wait to work with them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Are you serious? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. You want to do a fucking, want to do a paid part of care, a co-share?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I actually just got my sweat house sewn and delivered to my house today. Wait, are you, hang on. Are we all working with sweat house? Are we the sweat house clan?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh my God, did we just create a content house? I think we just did. It's a sauna house. We all live in the sauna house. We all just do content in saunas together. Hang on, do you sauna at all? I'm about to start. Do you sauna?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay, let me start you guys from the top. You sauna. I sauna every day. Every day? I sauna every fucking day. How come? Cold plunge with it or? Cold plunge. I got to be fair, only because Pete would call me on it. I haven't cold plunged in a while, but I just started cold plunging again.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Only because, I don't know, my anxiety was off and the cold plunge would fuck me up. Cold plunge made you get anxious. Yeah. I've never heard that before. Daisy, you've cold plunged at our house and sauna'd. Yeah, but I sauna all the time. I love sauna. I love sauna. Now, I have the hot rock sauna where it gets like to 180 degrees real quick, real hot, and it's exterior sauna.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So that's that's how it really began. Then I went on a tour with all my buddies. We started the Sway House, which was a content house of six. Who's in Sway House?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'll tell you what I love about what Sweat House is doing, and this is, I don't, we're just talking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Infrared sauna is a very casual sauna. It's a 35 minute sauna as opposed to a 15 and 10 sauna. It's casual. You get in there. I would get in there with a script and read a script and just kind of fucking float through it. And then all of a sudden you realize you're pouring sweat and it's more of an internal burn, which I like about what they're doing. And I love cold plunge. I do love cold plunge.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So they're on the infrared side. Okay. If I'm not mistaken, I think Sweathouse is on the infrared side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they have them, you know, before I had a sauna, I would go to places like Sweathouse and find infrared saunas and do them. You do them naked, because that's the way you're supposed to sauna, and just sweat.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And man, I'll tell you right now, if you're hungover, that sucks everything out of you right there. It's better than an IV to me. I would rather do a sauna than an IV. Well, let me get you with my IV guy. Okay. Because I double bag it. You double bag? Wow. I'm like Frankenstein. We do the same arm, two bags. Wow, man. I'm telling you, man. But like one needle, right? One needle, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Just one needle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I get sweats when I get an IV. You get sweats when you get an IV? Yeah. Of course, because you're healthy. Like, super bad sweats. Like, where it's almost like when they take it out at the end and they try to put the Band-Aid on, they can't stick a Band-Aid on my arm because I'm just soaking wet by the end of my IV. For real? Soaking wet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I would fucking love that. I don't love it at all.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I would fucking love that. Super uncomfortable. Ooh. Oh, shit. These look really good. They're puffing up. Have you seen these? These look really goddamn good. Have you seen these? Very good. They look really fucking good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
They're boiling. I think they're probably cooked. I'll tell you right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I don't like cooked peas that often. I feel like I'm more of like an asparagus guy. I like a good prosciutto-wrapped asparagus.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, that would break my heart. That never happened to me. I wanted that life.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, yeah. Wait, you really do cook? Oh, yeah, I really do cook. I love cooking. I think, like, if I'm going to try to, like, make a meal... where someone's going to love it. It's going to be like my steak, potatoes, prosciutto wrapped asparagus, or I'm going to do my... What kind of steak?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
What kind of steak? Rib eye.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Rib eye. I mean, come on now. Buddy. We're not doing anything else. A filet mignon is for children or women. And then... Jesus. I mean, that's true. That's why they have that on the menu, right? And then a ribeye is when you actually want to eat a steak. You know, man.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm so glad you're the guy I thought you were. Like, I'm so glad. I'm glad you thought I was like this guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Because most people meet me and they go, you're not the guy I thought you were, but I enjoy that. Like, I thought you were going to be the worst guy ever. Yeah. And then I met you and you're not the worst guy ever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's so funny. I get the exact opposite. You're a lot. I didn't know this was everything I was getting today. Holy cow. I thought it would be less. Like, you guys got full Burt yesterday. We got full Burt. Because if I'm a fan of someone, I don't shut the fuck up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, but my problem is, if I like someone, I'm going to let them know I like them. I'm going to let them know why I like them and how I like them. And... I like you guys. I like you guys a lot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'll say I'm not a big vodka guy, but this right here is a nice vodka. It's not bad, right? This is a nice vodka. I never do vodka sodas.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But I could drink this.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I hate that I like you guys. I hate that I really see eye to eye with two kids.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down, check out Burt cast number six 23. They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach,
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I do feel like I'm old now, turning 23. That was a scary year.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I really turned 23 this year, and I was like, well, downhill from here, huh?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I hadn't even started stand-up at 25.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, it is. At 26, I started stand-up. That's crazy. At 23, my chick had cheated on me. Didn't even have the New York Times thing yet? Right, it was New York Times? No, Rolling Stone. No, who was it? Rolling Stone. No, no, no, no. I was 23 and I was lost. I was drinking hard as fuck. Yeah, goddamn.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Mm-hmm.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I don't know that. I'm sure your listeners know that. How does Rolling Stones come around and just go like, hey, we want to write about you? So the world was different.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I feel like I'm telling a tale like a Moby Dick.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
The world was different. I'm going to try to do this as fun as possible. Okay. So everyone just lived their life and no one knew about it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Right. I get what you mean. Yes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like nobody else knew about. So you could do things. And then the next morning, you had no regret.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Keep that in. I know they're taking it out of your pockets, but keep it in. And so you could do stuff like shit on a pizza box to win an election. It became folklore as opposed to a viral video. So folklore was more fun. Way cooler. Way cooler. Folklore is like, oh, shit, that guy did. But you didn't see it. You just had the imagination.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You had the imagination, and then everything was always fun. Yeah. And then, and so... Rolling Stone wanted to write an article about Florida State. I was down there. I've been there like six, six and a half, seven years. And everyone they called right away was like, you've got to hang out with Bert. I've been there forever. They're like, Bert's the guy. Bert's the guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And Eric Hedegaard called me, and he was like, hey, man, I want to do an article on Florida State for Rolling Stone. Can you be my chaperone? Now, it had happened in New York Times, and those guys got destroyed. But I didn't know that. There's no internet. I didn't know that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, we were right at the beginning. What year is this? This was when we went on tour, it was 2019.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So I was like, yeah, sure, man. And the guy came down and I just took him for a week and we just partied every day. I was just partied and had a great, we had a really great time. He hadn't smoked weed in forever and he smoked weed and he's like, no one can tell my wife about this. And we had a great time. And then it just went to the shelf. This world doesn't exist anymore.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like it was eight months later, it came out in Rolling Stone and then it changed my life overnight. Like overnight,
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It happened in slow motion. It happened in slow motion. It was like, I sat down on the couch, and we had green, my buddy Hutch, who I live with, would always get Kelly Green rugs every year, brand new Kelly Green rugs.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And I sat down on the couch, and dust came up, and the light was coming through, and I read the article, and it was me, like, ripping my shirt off in a fountain, and I just was like, oh, fuck, I think this is going to, I think this is going to be kind of big. It was like six and a half pages in the biggest publication ever. And my dad called in the middle of me reading it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, motherfucker. Okay, so this, okay. So wait, who's in the Sway house? So it was me. Do you know of the name Bryce Hall? Yeah. Yeah. That's so wild. That's so wild. I'm 15. Yeah. I know Bryce Hall.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And he goes, buddy, what the fuck did you do? I was like, what? And he was like, there's news crews camped out in front of our house.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No way. I was like, actually, Dad, I don't know. And I said, I think I might be in Rolling Stone. I knew I was, but I just received it, and I sat and I read it. I'm such a meathead. The first paragraph, I cried out loud. I was like, it was the sweetest thing that's ever been said about me. I am such a softie. Like, I was like, they get me. They really get me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I just want to blow your fucking minds. You guys know me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You came here going like, I hope I have a good time. I hope I eat a good meal. We're both hungry. Guys, take a look at what I'm bringing out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm ready to eat. Oh, my God. How good does that look?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's good. Yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
God damn, it's getting hot. That looks so good. So fucking good. Start plating them. This is a beautiful looking plate. I'm so happy that you guys are happy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I mean, I was given enough drinks where I think I could eat anything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But this looks like an incredible plate. I'm going to wait, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
One more salt.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, yeah. I'm not a cleaner. I'm a cooker.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I know Bryce Hall. Anthony Reeves. It's Jaden Hostler. Quentin Griggs. Keo Sear. And I... I feel like I'm forgetting. Noah Beck, Griffin Johnson. That was like after. Griffin Johnson was original. He was not in it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It's really hot. It's really hot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
100%.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yep.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I don't know if I prefer to poop on planes. That's a wild statement.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I prefer to, I swear to God, if you said, Bert, you got to shit in one place, last shit, last shit. What's your answer? Last shit, one shit, your house, your parents' house.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's such a good answer, dude. I didn't think that was that good of a question. And that's a better answer than the question. Keep going. You got one last shit. One last shit.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's terrible. I kind of like it. That's terrible. I don't want that ever.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm loving this answer. We're about to go around the room to everyone. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Everyone sit down.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm being dead serious. And Leigh-Anne, just come over here and stand with us. One last shit. One last shit. When you guys are holding each other's hands. No, we shit. No, we're like, Leigh-Anne and I are like, oh, geez. Like, we shit in front of each other. Yeah. Come over here. I'm going to tell you my answer, Leigh-Anne. And my answer comes from the heart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Forest Hills Baseball Park.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Forest Hills Baseball Park.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, I know what you're thinking. Forest Hills, the tennis stadium. Yeah, I love that place. Forest Hills Baseball Park, where I grew up playing baseball. The best shit I ever had in my entire life. Like getting nervous before a game and then going to the bathroom. I'd have my stirrups on. I'd have my socks on. I'd have my cleats on. I'd have my glove with me. I'd have my bat. I'd have everything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'd go into that toilet and I would take the greatest shits of my life before a game because I was nervous. Now, I didn't realize that was going to translate into my stand-up act where I just get nervous and I have to shit before I go on stage. God damn it. This is a great question that I did not expect to answer. I like it. Where would you like your last shit to be? Final.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Can I give a subtle answer? Now there is one shit that she had growing up where a snake lived around her toilet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It lived around it?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like the water here, hot water in the toilet or something? Not hot water in the toilet. I've flushed in some toilets before, and I feel the steam coming up from that toilet. Okay. And I was like, that's a hot water toilet.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, it's a hot water toilet. Do you think I would have liked him if he was my son?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Edit his name out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Put in the name Neil Brennan.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Because I like him now, but do you think he would have been like... He's a good kid.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'd fucking get a kick out of you. I love that. I love this. Last shit in the world.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Can I tell you?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Agnes House secret potty.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, do that. But yeah, there was like seven of us that started and a couple guys got added in throughout.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Side title. I couldn't sit straight.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And the girls called it the secret potty.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And that secret potty was a fun place to shit, because, man, when you shit in there, it stunk the room up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
room they say a closet and it's really it's really it's smaller than like a coat closet oh my god it's just big enough for a toilet and just kind of so you could go like this that's like my first new york apartment it was a closet it was so bad new york apartments you have nothing no idea about that do you no man dude not at all you should you should uh she had one of the best new york apartments that she sublet and lost
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Wait, how does that happen? How does a content house happen?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Do your parents sign like leases for you? No, so I started when I was 17. We had gotten off the tour. Tour had made about $3 million. All the guys got paid about like $200,000. Tour manager kind of dipped with the money. It was all, like, just, like, talking about handshake deals. We didn't sign anything. We didn't know any better. We were so young.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Thousand square feet, $2,000.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It was fucking, I think you were three. No, no, actually you were not born.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I was just being born.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah. After 9-11. You guys missed 9-11. Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
She didn't. What do you remember from it?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, yeah. I was in the womb. Does that count? Yeah. Dude, 100%. That's why I read books to Georgia. Hey, baby bear, whatever the fuck. Baby beluga in the deep blue sea. Wait, what were your TV shows as kids?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like kids' kids? Like what TV shows did you watch? Like what age? Dora the Explorer? Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Ruby and Max. Backyardigans? Did you watch Backyardigans? Max and Ruby.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Max and Ruby. Max and Ruby. Ruby and Max. That's a great show. Hold on. All right, I've got to end this fucking episode. I'm fucking talking to our children. Wait, wait, wait. You watched Dora the Explorer? What was the Bernstein Bears?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Bernstein Bears? Oh, my God. Oh, come on.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah. Did you watch Blue's Clues?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Did you guys watch Blue's Clues? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, I didn't hear Blue's Clues. Blue's Clues. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Steve?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Those guys was the shit. He just got arrested.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
No, no, no. He, a terrorist plot. It was. Oh, yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
By the way, you know, he loves the heat. He's like, make me gangster. Damn it. That's so crazy. Did you guys watch Baby Einstein? Little Einsteins. Little Einsteins.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Like they were like, they had the little ship fly off. Little Einsteins. Yeah, I know that, I know that, I know that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That was my favorite show.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That was my favorite show. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, hold on. Bring that in. Just make it organic. What is this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hold on.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
My favorite coffee. Hold on. Can I play you my...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hang on. We're going to Mars.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And so after that, I was like, I'm going to start a management company by the creator for the creator. And then, you know, I'll protect everyone and make sure, like, I don't want to screw my buddies.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's crazy.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay, cool.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Guys, we're doing a little hair of the bear. So it's one part's vodka, one part's coffee liqueur, and then a dash of simple sugar. And these are shots, and we're all doing them, including Leigh-Anne.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I was wondering why you worked with him. So I was like, she's so pretty. She doesn't need him.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, that's a lot.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, right?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I love it. It's Super Bowl. It's like an espresso martini, but like for grown-ups.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
For real? You like them? Very good. There we go. Okay. A little more splash of vodka just to make sure we're all taken care of.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Do you think, can I just ask you a question? The conference course started there, right? Something's got to be wrong.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hang on, yeah, I'll be careful. I'll be careful. Here, let's do this. Let's do this. Watch this.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Very careful.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Splash on. Shamu. Do you think women have gotten funnier later in the years because of women's rights. Do you think, like, how funny do you think fucking women were in, like, the 1800s, but everyone's like, huh?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You're fucking 15, 18, and you're starting a management company? Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's what I meant to say.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That was a cleaner version of what she said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hammered, by the way. Hey, we need one last for Leigh-Anne. Okay, okay. So we'll put it on like this and do, like, a little bit. Nope, nope, not at all. Not at all. I might need a little help.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, there we go. Jesus Christ.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, and these are shots. These aren't just espresso martinis.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Right, so this is three shots.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, and a little bit of ice. No, I would not put those in a shot. I don't think anyone's going to swallow a coffee bean. Right? I'll take this one with the ice. I am so happy right now. I'm so happy. You guys are fucking awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
is what they call a prodigy guitar he is amazing he is brilliant and by the way they're bringing bush with you are you kidding me morgan wade this is a night you're not gonna want to miss for a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now visit shinedown.com i want to watch him come on his stomach yeah like hold on hang on hang on no no no no i'm not saying me personally i'm saying the consumer as a consumer i understood you didn't say i you didn't say i
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah. It's Thanksgiving. Cheers. Thanksgiving with my family. Hey, cheers. Thank you for having us.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hey, I love you guys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You introduced me to your partner yesterday. Chris, yeah. He's our manager. And I go, I didn't know he was gay. or a cop, or whatever the fuck a partner is. No, like my business partner. Yeah, and they're like, business partner. I go, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, I think you have to be 25 to rent a car. And they're like, no, no, you can start an LLC at fucking 18.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That makes me happy.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It was not bad at all.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It was a drink? I thought... I thought we were doing shots. I thought you told me it was a shot.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Right. Leanne, kill it. It's really good. It's really yummy.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It is good. It's really good.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hey, guys. Hey, thank you for doing the episode. Can you get me out of this? That just talked to me.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
There you go. You got it. And he's been on the show. Can you believe that?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I loved it. I loved it. I talked too much, but I love you guys. No, you talked to the perfect amount. I love you guys. And it's such a pleasure to have you guys sit and have a meal with me. And thank you so much. We love you, too. I love you guys. Thank you so much. Awesome. Great episode.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And I was like, Jesus Christ, keep going. Yeah, so no, started that company, which then all the boys were repped by that management company. So that management company then sponsored a house, which was the house we got in Bel Air, and that was the Sway House. So they would sign people and bring them in to that content house, which was Sway.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So me and all the guys had already been making content together. We were like, why not just make this a permanent thing after the tour? Let's all move into a house together. Sway started and then did that for about a year and a half. And then I sold my shares in that, started a production company, a venture fund. And that's the story. Now I'm here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I want to apologize for how much I've disrespected you in the past. It's okay.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You forgot my name on the podcast. We'll let it slide. Did he not forget the name?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
He totally forgot the name.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You went Bree and... Her podcast partner that has a pretty face. I was like, that's sweet Bart.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry. I got lit up by my team who, when I got home, they're like, I was like, that was a fun podcast. They go, yeah, they didn't say a fucking word. I was like, yeah, but I was their guest. And they're like, well, you could have let them talk a little bit. I was like, no, but I'm their guest. And they're like, oh, it was like, I was like, oh, cool guys.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We enjoyed it. It was so fun. It was a lot of fun.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I would hope. Oh, you know they're editing. The second we got in the car, they're like, edit the kidnap story out. Come on. You know, I know that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Oh, it's so fucking good. Can I tell you, like, I think maybe I told you last night, I was pitching content houses to Spike TV back in the day, because I was like, it just seems like... It would be so fun.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
It was a lot.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I never went to college. Yeah, so I dropped out of my senior year of high school. For real? Yeah, yeah. That was like right when COVID had started as well. So everyone in my grade didn't get to even do a prom or a graduation or really anything anyways. All of it was over Zoom. So didn't really feel like I missed out on much.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But yeah, I just, I didn't finish, went to LA and started that when I was, yeah, senior year.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
What was the first time, what was the first time that you guys got backlash? Where you saw the internet didn't like you? Because I think what happens to the internet is like, You get nothing. Then one day you pop, and everyone's like, fuck yeah. I like them. And then one day, too many people like you, and they're like, fuck them.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I had a, I had a, I accidentally leaked my own gooch one time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You mean the space between your asshole and your balls? Yeah, really hard place to leak, right? You would think, how is that possible? Let me tell you, right? So my buddy Griffin comes downstairs. I'm saying like, guys, tonight I'm going to lay off. I'm not going to drink tonight. We've been going pretty hard. I'm just going to chill. He comes down, chucks a white claw at me and kind of misses.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
He chucks another one at me and he's just trying to throw white claws at my head. Yeah. And so I'm like, okay, whatever. So I get up, start shotgunning White Claws with them because that's what we'd always do. We'd shotgun every drink we have.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
We got a shotgun of beer right now.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah, please. I'm empty on this one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Hey, Rachel, can you... We can get two more. As I cut up lamb. I'll do it. I'm making you guys... What are we eating? I'm so sorry. No, it's okay. I'm making you guys... What are they called? PewDiePies? I'm making you guys dingle pies.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yes, that's a streamer.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I think he's still doing stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. PewDiePie. PewDiePie. PewDiePie. That's the one you're thinking of.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I'm making PewDiePies. For you?
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Okay, okay.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
A nice cold shotgun. Nothing better than that. And mushy peas.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So what I'm going to, I hate to say this to you, this is how this happened, is I had this meal planned because it's kind of an Irish meal for Pac-Man Jones. But I didn't think making an Irish meal for Pac-Man Jones was going to work the way I wanted it to work. Right. So I give it to the white people. So I hope you guys like it. It's perfect. Yeah. This show is sponsored by Rocket Money.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
All right, you sign up for something. You forget about it after the free trial period ends. Then you're charged month after month after month after month. The subscriptions are there, but you're not using them. In fact, I just learned that 85% of people have at least one paid subscription going unused each month. Thanks to Rocket Money, I can see all my subscriptions in one place.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
and cancel the ones I'm not using anymore. And now I'm saving more money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's premium features. I mean, this is what we do. We're on our phones so much. And you just, you sign up for something, you totally forget it. I have at least three AI subscriptions because I put pictures of Leanne and AI and then in lingerie.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And then I send them to my friends and then I get better ones and I just go, I'm going to do it. And then I realized the other day, I have like, those are expensive. Those AI subscriptions are expensive. Dude, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash burning today. That's rocketmoney.com slash burning rocketmoney.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But 230 was like when I looked actually okay. I don't even know what I'm saying.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
rocketmoney.com slash burning. I am keto. I'm really carnivore, to be honest with you, but I stay keto because carnivore is so difficult. It's so difficult because if you're carnivore, you can't get these awesome treats like this, Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon's high-protein treats are phenomenal. I started with their cereal. Their cereal tastes like all the ones we grew up loving. I love their cereal.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Then they sent me the granola. I love the granola. They've got... 13 grams of protein, zero added sugars, and they come in delicious flavors like dark chocolate, almond, honey, almond, and peanut butter. But these are my go-to. Double chocolate. Take a look at these bad boys. These are their crispy, crunchy, airy treats, and they're easy way to get 12 grams of protein on the go.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
They come in mouthwatering flavors like marshmallow, chocolate, peanut butter, and dark chocolate. If you're a keto like me, this is your go-to. Get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com slash burning or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.com slash burning for $5 off.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
But, yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, back to the gooch, right? So, yeah, he keeps chucking white claws at me. I finish those off, and then he thought it would be a really good idea to go live. He was like, why don't we go live on Instagram right now while we've just downed six of these white claws in the last 45 minutes? So, and again, I'm only one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
At this time, I was 119 pounds, same height as I am today. Jesus Christ. So I was very small at this point. So I'm feeling it a little bit. We're guesting people on the stream. This one person we guest, I don't know if you've ever seen these trolls before on the internet that'll keep their screen black and they'll just start like roasting you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
I love that you just walk out of the back like you walked out of the back like, oh, hey, you have friends over? Can I tell you what blows me away? Can I tell you what blows me away is that I am fans of yours and your children. Is it weird? I kept saying that. You know how I'm being, I overshare. I overshare. I know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
They'll just go like nonstop, just like line after line after line, not even a breath in between. And they just make fun of you. It's like a funny little thing. So I was like, oh, how can I get back at this? I thought, why don't I kick them out of the stream, put the phone on the ground and then kind of just jump on the camera and moon it. You know, I was like, that's going to be funny.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
That's hilarious. Nothing could go wrong. Buddy, I'm on your page.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Keep going. I'm on your page.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
Nothing could go wrong with this.
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Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
So I forgot I was ready to go to bed. I was wearing basketball shorts, commando, nothing underneath. I go to jump, take my pants down a little bit. Whole pants just slide off, land right on the camera. I get up, I'm laughing. And as I just see these comments coming in, people are starting off laughing. I'm like, okay, good reaction. And then we saw your balls. We saw your balls. We saw your balls.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
And I'm just sitting there and I'm looking at my buddy. I look at, I'm like, Nobody fucking screen recorder posts any of that shit. And then I ended the live, and that was it. It was everywhere, trended on Twitter the next day. And that was probably the first time I ever seen Backlash. Holy. Yeah. Yeah, I think I was 18, just had turned 18.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Becoming Besties with Brianna LaPaglia and Josh Richards | S5 E02
You were 18. You want me to make you feel better about yourself? Why not? I'm 44, and I'm naked in my pool, and I'm live streaming. And I go, what's up, everybody? Getting ready to go on tour. I'm naked in my pool. And someone goes, I don't believe you're naked. And I go, and I, you can find the screen grab of this. And I back up. Now, what I've seen was the shadow of the ledge.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
This episode is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
This episode of Something's Burning brought to you by Magic Spoon. They have turned their super high-popular protein cereal that we all know and love, and they're into... High protein treats that are light, crispy, and tasty, just like those cereal crunch bars that we had when we were kids.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And I can't wait for Baker Mayfield to verbally commit.
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Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Do you remember you go to the bake sale and you get them and they were awesome and you didn't realize until you're older just how much sugar and how non-nutritional they were for you? Now Magic Spoon's got them for you. Their treats are so delicious, they've already become my go-to snack on airplanes, on gyms. I throw them in my bag. I have them whenever I want.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
They also, this is what I really want to talk about. Magic Spoon is launching a brand new High protein granola. It's granola. It's granola. True to the Magic Spoon promise, this is packed with protein, and it's so crunchy. Sweet, perfect for snacking, breakfast. Put it in a high-protein parfait. Dude, this stuff is awesome. I'm having it every morning to fuel my workouts.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
He's definitely coming.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Magic Spoon's high-protein treats are crispy, crunchy, airy, and an easy way to get 12 grams of protein on the go. They come in mouth-watering flavors like marshmallow, chocolate peanut butter, and dark chocolate. Magic Spoons brand-new granola packs 13 grams of protein and zero added sugars. They come in delicious flavors like honey almond and peanut butter. These are awesome, dude.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What's up, everybody? I've got some shows coming up. February 8th in New Orleans at the UNO Lakefront Arena for the big game. That's Saturday night, not Sunday night. Me, Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil and huge surprise guests. Then in Vegas in March, 21st and 22nd at Resorts World Theater. And finally, oh, Canada. I'm coming to you.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Here's the deal. If you're like me and you're a high-protein diet, you end up eating a lot of steak. You eat a lot of chicken. maybe some fish, probably not a lot of fish, but you're always looking for something to break the monotony of a high-protein diet. Keto can be exhausting. And, bro, Magic Spoon delivers exactly what you need.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And right now, you have $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com slash burning, or look for Magic Spoon at amazon.com or the nearest grocery store. It's Magic Spoon. They're everywhere. That's magicspoon.com slash burning for $5 off. The, uh... It's fascinating to me. Ooh. Yeah, this is going to simmer. I think I have it too high right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You know what we should have done? We should have ordered a new food and raced it. We could still probably do that. And see what's better and see what gets here quicker. We could definitely do that. I tried to make General Tau's chicken one time.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Red wine is not that good for you. I remember having Chinese food in New York after a night of partying. We had all been doing Coke. And I was like, and I said to someone... No better drug.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I said to someone the other night, they were getting Coke, and I go, aren't you worried about it being laced with fentanyl? And they're like, yeah. I said, so you're still going to do it? He goes, it's still Coke. I went, wow. How many movies have you touched? Meaning like, punch up, weekend rewrite, wrote top to bottom. That's a weird one. Because that's, you and Ben get that. Me and Grant wrote.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You and Ben get that.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Winnipeg, Halifax, Calgary, and Vancouver. It's me, Whitney Cummings, Miss Pat, and Derek Stroop. Go to purrpurrpurr.com for all of them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I really enjoy cooking.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
This is the insides of the samosa.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And I'm just trying to make sure that it's all got its... No, no, it's perfect.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Like, just their, like... $250,000. I'll tell you the rumors I would hear. I would hear... I'm doing this weird thing. It was always you and Ben. And just like in, like, comedy gossip, they go, yeah, man, they sent them the script. They give them $250,000 just for ADR punch-up. Like, every time the guy turns his back or the scene's about to end...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
He was in the movie. He played Wolfman Jack. That's a deep cut.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Come on, everybody. Oh. Can I tell you, that's one of my, I keep getting you off track, but that's one of my favorite things about you are the side joke to a joke. Like when, like do the Italian and the redhead gang.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It's so good.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
That was a great one. I wish that still existed in Hollywood.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Thank you. So, like, I started watching it going, like, is this, like, a real depiction of his childhood? Well, that was the whole idea.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Did you expect Reno 911 to be as good as it was?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I almost spilled my wine though. No, you know, I kind of like the idea of, do you cook much? No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You don't strike, you strike me as like a... You're very good at ordering. You seem like a fast food guy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You can talk me into anything.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I kissed Bobby Lee on the lips yesterday.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No, but I tell you something, he had a runny nose, and I did not expect that. Bobby? Bobby had a runny nose, and I went, huh, we should just...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Casually, if you said Weird Al Yankovic, I'd go, oh, of course. My childhood, my childhood. Anytime a great song would come out, we would wait with bated breath for your remake of it. I mean, across the board. And you, brother, had bangers. I mean, Edith was crying laughing at baseball practice, crying laughing at baseball practice, going, it's perfect, it's perfect.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
That was beautiful in the movie. That was so beautiful that you did that that way. I just, that movie was so well done. And Daniel Radcliffe is jacked. He is in great shape.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What's her name? Evan Michael Rachel? Evan Rachel Wood.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I believed it was Madonna. Like, I believed it was Madonna. Can I say this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, I gotta be honest with you. Wait, what's, so let's, what's your, I gotta, okay. You've got to do one of your things to get in heaven, okay? You've got to play one of your songs for God, and you have to be one of your characters from one of your things. And I'm going to pick Leave a Variety Show because that is nice.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
That show, Johnny Blue Jeans. You know I love Mike William Black.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Can I tell you, you know, you want to know how, and this is why I like Michael, is we connected in a way that you're not supposed to connect.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
We were talking, we were doing a show called Reality Bites Back, and I casually said, I made a joke that landed well, it's going to land horrible here.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I hate that my wife's older than me. because she's getting older before me, and she keeps bringing me into it like we're both getting old. I go, no, you're getting old. I'm very young. And Michael Ian Black walked up to me and he goes, my wife's two years older than me. It drives me fucking nuts. And I went, really?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts. And of course the mind blowing production and pyro, the band is known for, and I am telling you, I've seen that firsthand. We saw them on tour. The whole, our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I forget, but he still does it. Can I tell you what Jim Norton does, which is maybe... These comics being funny for inside joke is the funniest thing in the world. Oh, yeah. Jim Norton would go on a date. He dated another female comedian, very pretty, and... She would come up, they would come up, take their hand, and he'd go, he'd do a character called Chip, where he'd go, hey. Oh, no.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And he would turn into character, and then they'd leave, and she goes, she doesn't know you're fucking around. She thinks I'm with a lunatic. And he goes, yeah, I know. I was going to do that with my wife in couples therapy, but she didn't green light it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
This is really great.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
This is coming out together nicely.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
So wait, if you had to sing one song to get into heaven.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Oh, yeah, yeah. What about One Character?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
God has a sense of humor.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah. This show is sponsored by found when you're a small business owner, having your bookkeeping and taxes in order comes at a cost. And I'm not, I'm not just talking about money. I'm talking about your time hours and hours. You could have been spent actually growing your business. You're sitting with bookkeeping and, and, and all the stuff, all the stuff trying to find right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
His name is Jamie Kennedy. Wow, correct? Yeah, well, I only know that because I was like, they got Jamie Kennedy to edit this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And I found the best damn cigars that I'm taking to the beach with me tonight. Visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash bird or use code bird to check out for 20% off plus free shipping on your entire order. I boldly said one time when Bo Burnham was blowing up, remember Bo Burnham was just brilliant.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Jamie Kennedy, who hosts... The other Jamie Kennedy.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
He, uh... And I said, I used to write parody songs. Maybe I'll see if I can do a parody song. And I found it way harder than when I was younger. And I thought it would come to me so quickly, and I just didn't. They always come off color, I think.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What's your great white whale?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You had to get permission from him?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Would you like a glass of wine?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What was the banger? What was the banger that you wrote and you're like, oh, this is going to murder and they're like, nah. And you're like,
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And he is a little litigious, we're finding out.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Liquid death. Do you drink?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Who's the biggest, like who's someone that they say they're a fan and you're like, no way.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Oh, thank you very much. I'm a big drinker. You and I are probably closer in age. Pretty close. Yeah, but like... I'm a tiny bit older than you. When I first saw The State, that was not, despite it being on MTV, that was not meant for frat boys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You're doing really cool. You're doing a forum coming up.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Good God. The garden's going to be really crazy. The garden's going to be crazy. What's cool, I remember when you guys went into production on that movie, and hearing people trying to get in on that movie, to do a part in that movie. It was probably the most coveted... Is that true?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Oh, I remember just hearing people going, Weird Al's doing a movie, everyone's trying to get parts, and when you look, you've got Conan, you've got Paul F. Tompkins, you've got Scott Aukerman, you've got... I mean, basically the who's who of comedy, of like... It's a real mafia.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
There's two sides of comedy. From my taste, that, Patton Oswalt, you, the East Village comedy is what I'd call it. Those are like diehard comedy purists. And then you've got myself and Segura and Shane Gillis and Rogan, and we're a different side of comedy, I think. Still love comedy, but those guys are like, they'll recite...
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
the first time you were on Dr. Demento, and they listened to Dr. Demento, and you know, it's a different, it's also Paul Feig's, you know, and the Judds, who comedy was, they disappeared in comedy, like that was their babysitter in a weird way, you know?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I think, and it's that beautiful scene in the movie where you're listening to Dr. Demento, which I think was real in your life, and you were listening to it, and your mom's like, it's gonna rot your brain.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Is that how you got your accordion?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It's funny how people hold their heroes. I said to someone the other day, what was the analogy? What would you rather have? What do you think will be worth more in the future? A Picasso or a Hitler painting?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Like Dolly or Hitler.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Well, there's a big Dolly museum where I grew up because Dolly's like a hero because Florida's got a big Latin influence. And I liked Dolly's art. Yeah, I liked his art.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No, I don't think so. Wouldn't want to have a liquid death with him. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. This is the thing, right? I'm a little obsessed with this. Mussolini was for... One of the greats. One of the greats.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Mussolini. Go ahead. Mussolini and Nero are two people that what they did.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Emperor of Rome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Fiddle hadn't been invented yet. Interesting, right? Interesting. So what they are, it's defamation of character after their death. That's the thing. That's the thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
This makes sense that you're a big shirtless dude with a vodka company. Wait, what's Hamilton? You're kidding. You're doing a bit. No, no, no. You're doing a bit. No, I'm not.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No, what's Hamilton?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
With Lin Emanuel?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah. No, he was in your movie, and I didn't know who he was, but I recognized him. What? I didn't know who he was. He's only been in one thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
For real? Yes. That guy? Yes. What else? He was in the Bronx Tale or the Puerto Rican. What? Hold on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. What's up?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I need another bottle of wine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah. Did he write Hamilton?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
He wrote it. Wait, hold on. Does everyone know about this thing?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Okay, okay. I'm off. I thought Hamilton was hip hop. It is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I'm confused. I know that there's a thing Hamilton, and I know who that guy is, because I saw him, and I didn't recognize him, but I go, how do I know that guy? And then I did the cast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And so I saw the cast, I recognized the name, I was like, oh yeah, he was in the thing. I thought he was in like the Bronx, like a... In the Heights? That's called In the Heights. In the Heights, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I get confused a lot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Ooh, these are looking good. I'm better at cooking than I am Broadway musical.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I don't know anything about Broadway. Hold on, we can tell. Yeah. I still look at, like, going to the theater as, like, homework. Really? No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Wait, hold on. So if I was going to go to New York, do they have theater in Paris?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It's not really a thing. If I was going to go to New York and see something in the theater, what would I see?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I've never seen Broadway. I did one play once.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Ever. No.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I didn't see Wicked. That's not Broadway, baby.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Book of Mormon, the producers found a lot.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
There's only really three good songs on Wicked. My wife's like, hey, we're going to take the girls. I go, they have a bar? I'm like, yeah, and then I get fucking lit. Well, it's hard to get to the bar at the Pantages, but there is. Yeah, and I just get fucking a couple side beers by my feet, and I just murder. Side beers during Wicked. Was Christian Chenoweth the one you saw?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, I wrote the musical. I wrote the book of the musical of that. Sweet. Why did the Joker not work then? The Joker 2. Joker Folia 2.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I like Grease 2 was a musical I saw.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What? Grease 2 is fucking good. Hold on. This is a generational thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Hang on, it's been a while, right?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You know when people are excited about a gig and then they tell you the gig and you can't match their energy? You're like, wow. He's like, dude, things are looking up. I said, really? He goes, I got a callback for the Blue Man Group.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Hang on, if you hadn't seen the play, would you know that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What? What? Yeah, I haven't seen Hamilton, but I can fuck up one of these.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
This looks so good. It is crazy. This is spectacular. Here, let me spin this around for you. What's that? Oh, here, yeah, take mine. Oh. and do a quick, they're still hot as shit. So, yeah, when I was a kid, I was in plays. We played Peter Pan, I was Nana, and the dog murdered. I murdered his Nana.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, I was dressed as a dog. Yeah. I killed.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And then I thought, here's what I'm going to do. Sports tooks over, and then, in all honesty, in 10th grade, I was like, I think I'm going to get back into... a play, I think it was Brigadoon, and I think I went in with an accent to audition.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And the priest who was doing it was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I think I misread this. I think I was supposed to have an accent. He's like, we're not going to have accents.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah. Fuck that priest. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I think a lot of young boys do.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I felt so foolish that I was like, I'm just going to focus on baseball. That's like quantifiable for me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And by the way, I would argue I didn't have a great Scottish accent. However, I'm not great at accents, but I really committed, and I thought that was what the thing was.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, and I got pushed away from it, so I focused on sports.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah. It was in high school, yeah? High school, yeah. It was just one of those moments where you're like, he like mocked me, and I was like, whoa. I was like, I tried. Like, remember? Like, I was like, even if you tried out for a sport, if you tried out, you still got credit for trying.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I love raita. It's still going to be hot as shit, I'm assuming.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You have room for another podcast wing of your compound, right? I could do a Broadway podcast in a heartbeat.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, and I'm curious. I'm really curious because I like learning. I got to an age where I was like, you know when you think you know everything? Yeah. And then you meet someone who knows everything and you're like, oh shit, I don't know anything. Yeah. That's happened to me in comedy like 10 times.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It's very relaxing. It's calming me. Can I tell you, the two of you have not let me down. You know, there's not a lot about you guys online. Talent-wise, but your personalities and who you are. I am having such a great time. I could cancel my next fucking... Let's cancel them.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Jack Osborne.
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Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Ozzy's son. Yeah, give me the phone. Yeah.
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Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
We did for a while, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You're just sitting sedated on a couch.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
If I knew what it would do to me, I'd take more meds like that. Like, if I knew what it would turn off.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah. Oh.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No, I take blood pressure medication.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
We'll wrap this up soon, I know, for everyone. But I'm, like, I'm so happy right now. What movies when you were a kid did you watch where that was your hero in the movie? I say that because I feel like I was defined by the Bill Murray's Chevy Chases, like, up until a certain age. And when I found... When I found the state, I realized comedy is supposed to be, it can be different.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I remember, you know, it's like when I first saw the state, Ken Marino was my guy because that's what I looked like. That's what I identified with. It's representation. He's also a genius. And then as I, and then he went to like Men Behaving Badly with Rob Schneider. Dude, I know you guys' career.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Patton, when the pandemic started, I think I was doing a podcast with Patton, and he goes, I don't know. I'm not saying this is a good thing, but it is nice. Don't you think, Bert, to sit on your front porch and just be able to read a book all day? I was like, Patton, you really don't know me. I never sat and read.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I would love to.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And then all of a sudden it was the weird part. Like when, is it Ben who does the, I'm Doug, Dad. Showalter. Is it Showalter?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I'm not just gonna sit and listen to Bob Dylan. And you mean... Uncle Robert? Uncle Robert? He goes, oh, that's Uncle Robert? That weirdness, I realized, is the thing I really appreciate. And it wasn't these archetype of, like, lead characters. Yes, I know what you're gonna do. Yes. Um... No, no, no, no, no. There's a thing I want to try. I want to try.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No. It's Al's invention. What is this?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Is this real?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Jesus Christ.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
He puts, you don't put, this has got to be something else, right? Okay, I was like, you put hummus in it? Don't let that hummus touch my Twinkie wiener. But I think that was, like, learning comedy is the funnest part of comedy, is, like, learning what you like and learning why you like it and things.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And I'm curious, what was the comedy that, other than Dr. Demento, that, like, you saw a movie and you're like, that's my guy?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Isn't it crazy you can still remember lines like that?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I was just telling this to someone the other day. I was sitting on a plane next to someone, and he was like, what do you do? He was talking about politics stuff, and I don't really follow politics, so I was like, I don't know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And he was like, yeah, you know, these fucking da-da-dots. And I was like, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's like, what do you do? And I said, well, I'm a comedian. And he goes, ah, what's the guy that's got the joke? Yeah, you're never going to know who it is. The finger fucking singing We Are the World. And I go, Mitch Hedberg. And he goes, yeah. And I go, that's how my brain works?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I remember that joke for years. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget a Mitch Hedberg joke.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down, check out Burt cast number six 23. They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach, is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Because way too much spent on extra ketchup. I play Mitch Hedberg for my daughters. Same daughter. We're in the car. I play David Tell and Mitch Hedberg.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
the girls fall apart with David Tell.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Nope. Okay.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
My buddy said, hey, do you want a frozen banana? I said, not now, but later. See? Mitch Hedberg was like, I just, and the sweetest guy. But we played Mitch Hedberg for my daughter. And my daughter, my daughters are in the car and they're like, what is he, high? And I went, well, yeah, kind of.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And they're like, wait, was he on drugs? And I said, yeah. And they're like, is he alive? And I said, no, he died. And they're like, how did he die? I said, with drugs. And they go, so this is kind of sad. And I went, what the fuck?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Can I tell you something my daughter did that creeped me out? The creepiest thing a child could ever do. Her and her friend were reading a book together. They were sitting next to each other, and she was reading one page, and the girl was reading the back page. And then they'd flip, and I've never seen someone run a train on a book. It was the weirdest thing. I was like, wow, I'm not a big reader.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And would you like a vegan dog?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I can't wait either.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Cut it like this, right? I'm not scared so much as I am. This is your first time? That's amazing. Yeah, and now the cheese.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yes, yes, yes.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I got, I got two extra ones.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Leanne, would you like, where the fuck's Leanne?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
So wait, are your wives funny?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I find my wife to be very funny. Does your wife say a lot of times at parties, like, I'm the funny one? And you're like, no, you're not. I make a living. You know how insulting I find that? I made all our money for my fucking comedy, and you're going to have the balls to tell your friends you're the funny one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
She's done that to me a lot. She has.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Leanne! Yep. Get her out of there right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It's like Eskimo brothers, but like Eskimo families.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You're into it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No, no, no, we don't do stuff together. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, oh, I guess that is kind of weird.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
When does the cheese go on? Oh, after you put it in the bun. After I put it in the bun. All right, so I'm going into the bun. Leanne! This is a super bad idea.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah. She's really into Stephen King, though.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Shoot right now.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Oh, no. Dunk it in milk.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
That seems like a Kobayashi move.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Oh, right, right, of course, yeah. This is... I'm trying to get it in, but I don't think I cut it deep enough. Um... Is everybody having one? Do you know the flavor profile of Twinkies?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Vanilla and banana. Really? Yeah. I got really interested in flavor profiles for a period because I was like, what are these things I've been having and why do I like them? Like juicy fruit. What is Juicy Fruit? It's grapefruit, apple, grape, banana, and orange.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You've probably been to my house on Fourth of July, so yes, I do. You should. Where's Leanne? We need her to try one of these. Hang on one second. Is she upstairs taking a deuce?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I had a fear and loathing run.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I did. I'm actually wondering what would complement it. Like, can you Google what flavor complements vanilla?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Do you want me to try it first and tell you if it's worth trying?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Like, fear and loathing, and then, like, what's that? That one book. Yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, I agree.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What? What compliments vanilla?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I need a savory's.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It's all dipping in whiskey.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I was hoping ketchup.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, but I think we just try it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
All right. Does someone want to try? Kylie, do you want to come and try this? She goes to school at NYU. Oh, come on. She's at school at NYU.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No, but it's like an adventurous meal. Yeah. I think it's going to be really great. You guys ready?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It took me a week. And then I went for, like, a little book run. Like, what's Paul Kahl, Kahl, Kahl, Paul Kahl, Kahl?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You know what it reminds me of? Baseball practice. This is something you get at a concession stand and go, that works.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It's weirdly terrific. It's weirdly good. It was like when you got a blowjob and a girl put a finger in your ass and you're like, okay, all right.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I didn't even think, when I started talking to you, I was like, I should probably keep it a little PG because you don't really curse really. Never. Never. Never that I've seen. You curse out loud? No. No. Never. Not even in my head. No. You know that was my New Year's resolution?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
My New Year's resolution was to stop cursing. Because here's the deal. No one will notice if you stop cursing. But people will notice when you curse. You know what I've tried to replace stuff with?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
So I was like, you've got to give me the C word. If I can say the C word.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
No, no. Cockney. But say the C word and then cut out all other words. Can you try something?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
But try it from the other side. I think Connie was eating that one. Let's try it from an east side, doesn't matter.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
You're going to be shocked at how good that is.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
That was a great, this has been a great meal.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Buddy. If I know us. Hang on, hang on. By the way, anytime we ever do a Something's Burning, I'll always reach out to you guys and see if you guys, if you have nothing going on, I'd love for you to come by. I could do this every fucking day. You guys are awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Or a pilgrim. Or Robin Hood. If you put that on your head, you look like Robin Hood.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Back when your dad could hit you. Anyway, guys, cheers.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
That was an amazing episode.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Great. Thank you, guys. That was fucking awesome. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
What? I'd swallow your food. That sounds even more racist.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Palo Cajalo. Palo Cajalo.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
All right, we are cooking vegetarian today. By the way, I am making us vegetarian samosas.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I am making us a curry bread bowl.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
They're going to be fucking awesome.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I wear the same clothes every day. Yeah. I sleep, I listen to the same podcast every night when I sleep. Which is? History podcast.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
The Dictators on Noiser. Sure. I love history podcasts. I don't know.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Of course.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And by the way, I'm cutting it because of Goodfellas.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit Shinedown.com.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Did you know at the very beginning of that movie they killed a guy in the back of a car? That was in Tampa. It was my buddy's uncle, and it was at Lowry Park Zoo is where they fed him to the alligators. Oh, wow.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, it really happened. And my buddy, one of my managers, grew up with De Niro's, who De Niro plays, Jimmy, whatchamacallit, grew up with his son.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, kind of crazy. I like when you can tag the pieces together of what's real in a movie and you're like, shut up. Did they ever sell the car on Craigslist or anything like that? I grew up. How Chicago are you? Are you a Cubs fan?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I'm not the guy... Dude, I... Can I tell you? There's a common thread, I think, with most comedians. Most comedians, including Rogan, definitely including Rogan, about getting bullied. And I think... I said the only... More rewarding than making fun of a bully is making fun of a bully and him not understanding why they're laughing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
And I used to write, when I first got into comedy, first started doing comedy at all. I'd do it at parties in college, and I would write parody songs. Give us one.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Please give us one. My guitars are out of tune.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
We are bringing the whole crew back, including Jelly Roll. Me, Tom, Jelly Roll. Listen, if you don't think you can do it, Tommy, tell them they can do it. You can do it. We can do it. We did it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Pink Houses by John Mellon.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I met John Cougar. I'm friends with his sons.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
The first thing I told him is, I used to write parody songs to Pink Houses. Oh, nice.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
It was all about sexually transmitted diseases.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
They weren't great. But it was like, in my group of friends, it was like, it was really funny because I used all my friends' names. In my fraternity, I'd use all my friends' names and I'd make fun of them. And it was great. Until one guy didn't like being made fun of and beat me up. And I've never sung a parody since.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
He is one of those people that, like, when I got into comedy, I started in New York, and you think you know everything, because you think you've seen it all in New York. And then you get out on the road, and, like, Young Rogue Comics is like, have you seen Emo?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Yeah, he's, Demetri Martin was in your movie.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Played Tiny Tim. Love him. I love Demetri.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
I started, we started on the same night, roughly.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
Boston Comedy Club. Of course. On West 3rd, yeah. Of course. And then I'd run over, I'd see. We're village people. Yeah, yeah. This show is sponsored by DraftKings. Super Bowl 59 is right around the corner. And it's the perfect time to get in on all the action with my partners at DraftKings Sportsbook right now. They're giving all new customers $200 in bonus bets instantly after betting just $5.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Things Get Weird with Al Yankovic and Thomas Lennon | S4 E23
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Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
Yeah, Hot Laps. Hot Laps.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
Right. Yeah, just do your set. Hey, you just beat me.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
Oh, we should give that. That should be a thing.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
I'm 31. I was 31. 31 acting like that? Yeah, he's 40, he's 52. That's crazy to be 31. She just went through birth.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
She's getting her tits sucked out by the kid.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
I heard if I cry, I'll get it.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
How many kids do you have, by the way?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
De Guzman straight from the Philippines his home was destroyed I live in Pasadena They have a Pasadena in the Philippines that is unbelievable.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
Okay, guys.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
It's your show. Something's burning.
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
Can you guys remind me? Is that a... Who is Suzanne Somers? Is that a weather lady?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
What if she's in a bikini?
Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Sober Coins + SAA with Noel Miller + JR De Guzman | S5 E06
That's such a, that's brutal to hear. Leanne's like,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Go to the dentist. But my dad just, he just didn't, it was not, He didn't hit us, you know, but like, he just was like, I remember his, when I got into comedy, he told me really clearly, buddy, eat shit, cash checks. That's how the world works. Eat shit, cash checks. His dad was in World War II. He stormed like Omaha Beach or Normandy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And his dad never talked about the war, sat in the garage, watched Mets games, listened to Mets games and drank beer. And so my dad lost his dad at 13. So I think my dad was just doing the best he could. But yeah, he told me, I mean, I remember, I remember it like an older, I remember getting anxiety attacks. This is how flat my dad was. One day I'm laying in bed.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
It's like after David Letterman and I'm laying in bed, I had to be 10 years old. And all of a sudden I have this very crisp realization that death is real. And I went, hold on. I go, one day you're going to tell me my dad's going to die. And I went, oh my God. And I started having a real panic attack. And I went into his room and I woke him up. My dad doesn't wake easily.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
He's like, if you wake my dad, he's like, you know? And so I scared me. I woke him up and I was like, dad, Are you going to die? And he goes, what? I said, are you going to die? And he goes, yeah, you are too. Go back to bed. And then I went, wait, I'm going to die? I didn't think I could. I knew you would die, but not me. And that was my dad. I had kids with panic disorder.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I was so not my dad with them. I was so like, yo. I got you. You're going to be fine. Like, but yeah, my dad just, he was just trying to do the best he could. Stuck into a house that he couldn't really afford to make an ends meet. He's got three kids. Didn't expect a third one. He's a lawyer. I don't think he ever wanted to be a lawyer. I mean, I'd say that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I don't know what he'd say, but I wouldn't say he like loves his job, but it's his job and he does it. But that was his job.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
do not cry do not cry and if and when i got older and we got into a something and he saw me like well up he'd be like oh you better not cry and i'd be like i'm gonna cry and i might explain why i cry so much as adult now so you just hold it back i tried my whole life and then i remember the first time seeing him cry It was when I graduated Florida State and they didn't let me graduate.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Two teachers failed me because I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine and they thought I embarrassed the school. So they failed me and I had to drive up to Tallahassee. And they told me, the administration said, just go talk to the teachers. And I went to drive up to Tallahassee and my dad walked me out to the car.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
It was like six in the morning and I was getting in the car to drive to Tallahassee and he started crying and I'd never seen him cry. And I was like, what is this? And he was just... And he's like, when someone with your kid, like I was like, I was, I got, I drove in silence, no music, just in the dark. Just what did I just witness? Did you ever talk to him about that? No.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
No. My dad's an interesting guy. He's changed a lot. The older he's gotten, he's way more sensitive than he was when I was a kid. Joey Diaz gave him marijuana one time on accident. He gave him like a handful of marijuana popcorn. It's the first time my dad had ever had marijuana. Easter morning, kids are searching for eggs. My daddy's a handful of popcorn. I go, buddy, that's weed.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And he goes, what? It's popcorn. I go, no, there's weed in the popcorn. He goes, how do they put weed in the popcorn? I go, dad, it's called an edible and you just ate a lot of it. And so he goes, well, what do I do? And I grabbed a handful and I said, I'll go with you. We're going to both eat weed. And we both ate weed. We did a podcast that day. And, uh,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then everyone leaves, and it's me and my dad, high as crap, drinking whiskey at like 5 in the afternoon, smoking a cigar really high. And I leaned over to him. I go, why don't you like me? Ooh, I'm going to get emotional. And he just goes... He's like, I love you. You just make me uncomfortable. He was like, I love you. And I'm afraid you're going to die.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And so I don't know what that does, but I'm afraid you're going to die. I'm not going to die. And he goes, you don't know that. He goes, I lost my dad when I was young. I'm terrified to lose you. And I don't understand you. I don't understand your lifestyle. And I said, well, how can we fix this? And he goes, I want to get you a cardiologist. And I said, okay. And he goes, you do that?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I go, I want you to feel more comfortable with me. And he was like, I can get you a cardiologist. I can do all the tests. I can pick all the tests they do. And I said, yeah. And he goes, okay. And he had a cardiologist Monday morning for me, Dr. Knan. And they did the CT scan. They did the stress test. They did all the tests my dad wanted and everything came back clean.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And my dad's like, no, you'll go to him every six months. And I said, yeah. And I want to say from that day on, our relationship has gotten so much smoother. I mean, I've forgiven him for stuff that he's did. And we're just a lot, a lot closer now.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, I found out my dad was human when I was 21 years old. And I remember finding that out and I didn't understand it. My parents split up and I was so mad at my dad. I didn't even want to talk to him. I did. I just, I was wanting nothing to do with him. And my uncle Jerry called me and he goes, uh, when was the last time you talked to your dad? And I said, it's been a while.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And he goes, well, that shit's over. He goes, you call him today. He's your dad. No, no, no, Jerry. I'm, I'm mad at him. And he goes, yeah, you just found out your dad's a human. Okay. Your dad's a human. He's a regular man. He's not some superhero. So you call him and look, you don't have to say, I love you. Just call him, see how he's doing and just touch base. I did.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And that was a period, you know, that was a growing period at that. But, uh, Yeah, he's a pretty great dude. I'll just say this. You know, a lot of people will be at his funeral. That's like the testament for like a great man.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I think everyone's dad does, don't they? I mean, for all our differences, and we have a ton, a ton. If you met me and met him, you would not know we were related. He's pretty quiet, does not want to get on stage, and sincerely doesn't want you to get on stage. I mean, he just saw me do stand-up for the first time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
At the Amelie, yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
After all these years. After all these years, I did the Amelie, which is the arena in Tampa. And I said, yo, if you're going to, you should come and see me here. I understand like comedy clubs, but you should come to the arena. It's a big deal, dad. He got there. And I don't think he realized what was happening for real.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like he knew I was doing a show there, but he called me and he goes, Wade Boggs is here. Wade Boggs is like our hero playing baseball growing up. I said, yeah, I know. I put him in your box. And he goes, no, but he's here. Do you think he knows you? And I said, daddy's at my show. He goes, I just saw Mike Alstott, football player. I go, yeah. And he goes, do these people know you?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I said, dad, I'm the reason they're here. And then he came backstage and Derrick Brooks, who's a legend, played at Florida State, played at the Bucs, is backstage talking to my dad. My dad's staring at Derrick Brooks going. And he goes, and Derrick goes, can you believe how far birds come? He's doing the Emily and I, he goes, I was at his first show at Potbelly's and Derrick Brooks leaves.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
My dad goes, buddy, Derrick Brooks knows who you are. I was like, yeah, I know dad. We just spent time with him. He knows who you are too now. But yeah, my dad just, he just, that was the first time he saw me to stand up. What did he say? I got to be honest with you. I think it makes him uncomfortable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like I think he kind of half looks and half, like I don't think he, I don't think he laughs a lot at it. I don't know. I mean, he says, he goes, you're good. Like, but he, I make him uncomfortable. I had a great Shaq joke that Shaq wanted me to put in the special. It's, dare I say, borderline racist. But Shaq and I talked. It made us laugh. And Shaq's like, you've got to put that in the special.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And my dad's like, that does not go in the special. And I was like, Dad, Shaq says it's OK. And he goes, I don't give a shit. I am not comfortable with that joke. So I took it out. Shaq's like, you took it out because of your dad? Yeah, what? But I got a better Shaq joke now.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
What? I can't do it. I don't think your audience wants to hear it. Go see me on the permission to party world tour in September.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah, no. You know, I think for my dad, a lot of it was he always had the answer. You know, my dad's the kind of guy that when I was a kid, the Iraq war started. And I came home and I was like, I was against war because I knew that's what hippies were about. And I wanted to be a hippie. And so I thought that's the right answer. I'm against war. And my dad's like, no, you're an idiot.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Why don't you go to your room until you realize what an idiot you are. And then when you come down, I'll explain to you why you're an idiot. So I went to my room and I was like, I don't know why I'm an idiot. Like, what did I, and everyone should be against war. My dad came downstairs. I go, I don't know why I'm an idiot. And he goes, okay. There's a lot of interesting things about this war.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Number one, it's the first televised war we've ever seen. We're watching them go to war, and it starts like a football game. And me and you have the opportunity to watch this. Number two, this man Saddam Hussein is a monster to his own people, and we are going in to get rid of him. You do not know any of the politics, so shut your mouth and sit down and watch the war.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And my dad was like that with everything. Have you ever said an idea? To this day, if I say... if I say something, anything political, my dad takes the opposite side and will tell me. So in a weird way, it never gave me a foot to stand on politically. That's why I don't talk about politics on stage. Cause whatever I would say, my dad would tell me I was, I was wrong.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
He wanted to show me, I think he was protecting me from looking foolish or protecting me from being the guy at a party that was a know-it-all. And you know, my dad kind of flew under the radar always. And I think when I started getting successful, there was a part of my dad where he no longer had an answer for me. He no longer had the solution.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
He couldn't, he couldn't put me in the right direction. When they fly, they're older. I send them through a special entrance at the airport. It's a little expensive, but it's easier for them. And my dad had a broken hip and got knee problems. My mom's, my mom's a piece of work. My mom's like me. Okay. And so, uh, And he gets really upset. He's like, buddy, I don't need this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I can't, you can't afford this. And I go, I definitely can afford it. And he's like, no, you don't know. So one day I had to send him like my bank statement and be like, I can afford to put you through there. And he was like, what the?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like he just, I think in that it's not like the, you know, the younger lion taking over the bigger lion, but like, like me, like me not letting him pay for meals that makes him uncomfortable. Like that's who he's been. He's been the leader of our family. And I'm not saying he's not still our leader. He is by every stretch of the means he is.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
However, I think not having all the answers for me and not being able to tell me exactly what to do and be confident in his decision made him very uncomfortable. I think, I don't know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was, oh my God, that's all I've been doing my whole life. My whole life. He didn't like my long hair. got a flat top, came into his office and he was like, you look like an idiot. And I was like, God dang it. Like all I've ever wanted is that man's approval. That's it. That's it. Entirely without a doubt. I just like when he says, and he says very often how proud he is of me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
It doesn't, it doesn't miss me. It hits me in the chest and it makes me feel great. And the fact that he'll call up and he'll be like, buddy, We went to the macaroni grill. You know, I say my last name and they go, are you related to Bert Kreischer? They knew who you were. Buddy, I got a table right away. They gave me, you know, they do the bacon there. You know, the big bacon. My dad's like that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
He loves it. And I think he kind of loves my whatever celebrity I have because it trickles to him. And now like when he goes to like, when he goes to like, he went to my special, him and my mom sat backstage. I didn't go in the, they sat on chairs on side stage. And he's deaf and like, not deaf, but he's losing his hearing. So I'm doing the show and I hear him say, what did he say?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I'm like, Jesus, dad. She said, he said he saw her suck his dick. What? She lost weight, Albert. She, he saw her give her a, Leanne gave him a blow job. And I'm like, you two shut up. But yeah, they, uh. Yeah, I'm constantly seeking his approval. I think it probably could be said for my career. I think the reason I'm into comedy is I'm searching for approval. I want people to like me. I do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I want people to have a good time, and I want people to go, you were fun. I don't need to be the best comic, but I want the people that see me to really have had a great time and like me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Will Smith. Yeah. Will Smith. Well, I got a deal at like 26 years old. I've been doing standup on my 26th birthday. I was in New York and I was just partying. I wasn't doing standup. I've been there for a couple months and I got hammered the night before and it was my birthday. And my phone rang at like eight o'clock in the morning, nine o'clock in the morning. And I saw it was my dad caller ID.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I said, you know, I'll answer it. Let him say happy birthday. And I'll go back to sleep. I answer it. And he says, you are a tremendous piece of shit. And I'm like, what? I go, dad? And he goes, yeah, yeah, it's your dad. And he goes, you are worthless. You have no humility. You're doing nothing. He goes, I just perjured myself in court because of you. The judge said, Al, how's your son doing?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I said, great. That is a lie. You are not doing great. And you never will do great. I have failed you as a father. I gave you no humility. I taught you no life lessons. You never had to work for anything. Things came easy to you. And I'm telling you. And I said to him, I go, yeah. It's my birthday. And he goes, I know what day it is. He goes, I gave birth to you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
We were there when you got born. And he goes, I'm telling you. And I was like, dad, I go, well, okay. So what do I do with this? He goes, nothing. He goes, I'll foot the bill, be a party boy. And I was like, well, I want to, I want to, I don't want you to feel this way about me. And he goes, no, you should not want to feel this way about yourself. And I said to him, what can I do?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
He said, well, if you're serious about comedy, then you'll go to that club tonight and you'll do whatever you can to get on stage. You'll go to that man and you'll say, my name is Bert Kreischer. I'd like to be a standup. I'll clean up. I'll mop up. I'll flip burgers. I'll stand up. I'll do whatever you need, but I need an opportunity.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I said, I remember saying to him, I go, I can't do it today, tonight because I have a party planned. He was silent. He just goes, you have a party? He goes, you don't deserve a party. What are you throwing a party for? You're a failure. You go to that club tonight. You take yourself to dinner. I want you to write down some goals.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then you, after that dinner, you go to that club and you tell whoever you need to, you'll do whatever you can and you'll do it for free. And I said, dad, that's not how it works. I remember him very clearly saying, hey, for some young black kid in Harlem, that's how it works for him. Do you know why? Because he has humility and he knows how to get what he wants. That's how it works for him.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
It doesn't work for you because you're white and you feel like everything should be given to you. And I went, okay. So I said, all right, I'll do it. So I didn't, I took myself to a restaurant on 7th and Bleeker. And then I wrote down 26 goals that I had planned for that year. So I was turning 26. I went to the Boston Comedy Club. I met a guy named Louis Schaefer and I told him,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
exactly what my dad said. My name's Bert. I want to do this. Any advice, anything you do to get me on stage? And Louis Schaefer said, you should move back to Tampa. And I went, what? He goes, you're not going to be a comedian in New York. You don't have what it takes. And I went home, almost like victorious. I was like, so dad, this is how it works. I told you I was right.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I called him the next morning. He goes, how did it go? I said, not good. This is exactly what he said. And he goes, perfect. This is what I want you to do. You go back tonight and you say the same sentence as if he damn never said it to you. And I said, okay. So I'm I said, well, what do I do if he says the same thing?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And he goes, you're going to do that every single night until there's a point where you're going to break him. And he's going to go, fine, I'll give you a job. So I went back that night and I went, hey, Lewis, my name's Bert Kreischer. I want to be a stand-up comedian. I'm from Florida. He goes, didn't I tell you to move back to Florida? I go, listen, here's the deal.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. I feel like a piece of shit. I need an opportunity. I go, I'm going to be doing this every night for the next year as long as you keep saying this. And he went, fine.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
if you can bring in 20 people i'll put you on at the end of the night nice i was like for real and he goes yeah you can go on after right before godfrey and i was like okay and man i brought in 25 people someone got heckled karen bergeron got heckled by four puerto rican guys i brought in because one was going to jail the next day and i was like i said i and lewis shaper comes out he's like where's a comic and i was like no one's here and he's like you're on let's go
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
put me on stage and frat boy Bert came out and I lit these four Puerto Rican guys up so hard. And cause I knew that guy was going to jail. And I, I mean, I was like, Hey man, have fun tomorrow. Don't drop the soap. The place is going nuts. And I was like, I was like, can I give you some advice about jail? I was like, suck it before you. And I mean, it was so great.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
They walked out of the room, the place went nuts. And I was like, and I got a job. Louis Shaver's like, you can do this every night. Six months later, Will Smith discovered me. Will Smith discovered me, and my dad was floored. He was floored. We watched The Fresh Prince on Monday night, every Monday night. It was a six-figure development deal.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I remember that was the first time my dad didn't have an answer. And I said, what do I do with this money? He goes, I don't know. I've never gotten a paycheck like that. He goes, buddy, I remember him stuttering. Like, I can't tell you. I don't know. He goes, let me hook you up with Bob Kazarian. I still remember the guy's name over at Merrill Lynch. And we'll figure it out.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And that was when my dad was like, you met Will Smith. Will Smith taught me how to pitch movies and pitch TV shows. And he was like a blessing in my life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Will's the best. I mean, look, I love Will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of my favorite people. He's one of my— He's like family to me. He is the sweetest guy in the world. He was so good to me. He gave me great advice. We were about to pitch ABC. Jamie Tarsus, God rest her soul. And I drove over from the Valley with him and JL. Yeah, yeah, JL, yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You've got a weird thing that like usually only like Reese Witherspoon or Jennifer Aniston get where you're strikingly attractive. So when I sat down next to you, I was like, whose eyes are these? And then I was like, wait, I know him. I was like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. This is Jay Shetty. I've listened to so many of your interviews. You're so good. You're so good. And so, yeah, I was so excited.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah, and I had to piss. And Will came in, and he goes, I'll go to the bathroom with you. So he sat at the stall right next to me at ABC. And any guy knows that the sound of a man's urine hitting a toilet sometimes indicates how big their dick is. And he had a fire hose. I mean, it was like, and I couldn't pee. I got gun shy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And Will says to me, can I tell you everything you need to know about Hollywood? But I'm so in my head going, pee, pee, pee. I didn't hear a word. I didn't hear one word. And then he goes, and then he stops peeing. I realized if I can't pee next to Will Smith, I can't sell a show next to Will Smith. I start peeing, and all I hear him say is, pee yourself. That's it. That's the only thing I heard.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then I went into the room, and Will was like, Bert used to party hard or something. I was like, yeah, you guys ever try to knock yourself out? And they're like, huh? And we used to do that in college. And you had to do it on the side of a, like, put your head against something, because if you just hit your head, it's not going to happen. And I knocked myself out, and Will's just like...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And we sold a sitcom that day.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah, he's the best.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You know, he had a mentality, you shouldn't cash checks. And when I was at Tribal Channel, at the very tail end, I was just hoping to get renewed and I knew they were changing presidents and I, I had lasted like three or four presidents, but every time you went to a new president, you were, and it was money and I needed money. I had a family. I was ignoring standup.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was ignoring the podcast, all the stuff I do now. I was ignoring all of it. And I was at the beach with my dad. We were having a cigar and a glass of wine. And he goes, so what's the deal? What's our plan? I think I was 42 years old, 43 years old, looking for my dad's approval. And this is so my dad. I go, you know, buddy, eat shit, cash checks. Thinking, he'd go, that's my guy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And my dad started crying. He goes, oh, I think I fucked you up. He goes, each of the cash checks is for guys like me with no talent. Guys like you need to go after your talent.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And he was crying. And you know, Rogan had just said that to me too. He had just had that conversation with me. And my dad's like, if you don't go for it now, you're going to regret it. He's like, do it. Because I had this longstanding offer from Showtime, Gary Garfinkel, God rest his soul, to do a special. And I kept pushing it to do Travel Channel stuff. And he goes, buddy, you should do it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You should, hey, follow your dreams. So I did the Showtime special. No one watched it because I took my shirt off. I remember them saying, yo, if you take your shirt off, you're given the reason to change the channel. But what's fascinating is the thing that gets them to change the channel back in the day where you were Caesar and you'd be like, no, no, is the exact opposite for the internet.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You see a guy with no shirt on on the internet, you're like, what's this? And you click it. And I posted the machine story and it went viral. And it was, I remember my, but my dad gave me this like insane thing of, even if you're sick, you show up. Even if you're, even if you're hurt, you show up. I think it's my punitive way that I work out is that I'm, if I'm hung over, I work out extra hard.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was hung over. I flew, All drank all day yesterday in New York. Flew here last night. This morning, I got up at 8, got in the sauna for 30 minutes, got in the gym. We did abs. Who the fuck wants to do abs? Ran, lifted weights, and sweated out. But that's my dad's mentality is like, you get up, you do your work, no matter what.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
That was the lesson, I mean, and my takeaway from being 11 and getting hurt, my dad going, you finish in, you don't let anyone down. You don't, you get, you finish the game. You know, I had a showcase for ICM one time. This is just my dad's mentality. And there was a guy that went, opened it, and the next guy went on, it was a guy named Earthquake. Do you know Earthquake? Yeah. Unfollowable. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then I get told by like my friends with a professional wrestler, Cody Rhodes. And he said, you know, when I met you, I've never seen more of a pro wrestler personality. Like you explain yourself within a sentence and then explain why you should like me. And I'm like, but it's, yeah, I'm a talker on a plane.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Black dude who destroys, destroys. His name's Earthquake. I mean, just, and he's Earthquake because he leaves the room in an earthquake. And I watched all my friends, I won't say their names, but all my white friend comedians panic. No one wanted to follow Earthquake. And they just came to me. They're like, you want to go up after Earthquake?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I just, my dad would be like, yeah, that's your job. Do your job. And I went up after Earthquake. And he had a joke. His last joke was about his name, Earthquake. I forget the joke. But I knew my first joke was about my name, Bert. So the joke was, my name's Bert. I know you're thinking, hot, sexy name. Do you do porn? No. I said, Bert's the last name you want to hear during sex.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Just someone chick on top of you in the dark going, uh, uh.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
and then i go shh call me earthquake and the place exploded but you know here's the thing and this is my dad's my dad's brent mentality is if you don't get on stage if you don't show up to work all the stuff that could possibly make your life great just disappears and that's been my mentality this whole career is you show up no matter what you show up you got an audition you show up
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
They want to meet you at a general meeting, you still don't think it's right for you, you show up. And that's definitely the way I've taken the road. Dude, let's do the road. Hey, while the sun shines, get out there and grind.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
That doesn't sound like me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
A hundred percent. I mean, a lot of my friends, like, the pandemic hit. And my brain was like, that doesn't mean we can't do stand-up. And then I know the country shut down. And I went, I'll figure it out. And so I came up with a type of touring, outdoor comedy festivals, where I took drive-in movie theaters, and I plugged into their system. We showed it up on the big screen.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
We shot it with four cameras. All the feeds went into the car so everyone could stay socially distant. And I did, I think I did 30 cities. I think I maybe did 30 cities, 60 shows, 62 shows. I toured all through the pandemic. That's just the way my brain works is like, just because you say no, that doesn't mean, look, you got to do it. You got to work. Don't just take the foot off the gas.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
If you're a dad right now and you're listening, this is the only takeaway you need. My dad, whether it's true or not, always told me, you love pressure. Buddy, when all the chips are on the table, you perform your best. I don't know what it is about you, but you love the pressure. You just love it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I'll tell you, my whole baseball career, if we were down, man off first and second, we're down by two runs, that's when I performed it. When we faced the fastest pitcher we ever faced, that's the guy I hit the best off of. And I'll tell you is, in standup, I've always done best when the most pressure's on me. I need to do secret time. First show, I bomb. I'm only doing two shows. I bomb.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I bomb. I hadn't bombed with this hour ever, and I bombed. The crowd had had to wait in the rain. We had a power shortage. It just, it was horrible. And I'm nervous. I got one more show. This is my first Netflix special. I got one more show, and I'm sitting in the green room. And Leanne just echoes my dad. She goes, well, you know you love pressure. This is when he's going to perform the best.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Sit back, everybody. And man, that show, I mean, best stand-up show I've ever had in my entire career was that one show. That was murderous.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I'm such a fan of yours. I really am.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I hesitate to even say this, but I've been very lucky. I've been very lucky. I haven't had a lot of tragedy in my life. And I can laugh at just about anything. I laughed at my grandmother's funeral. I laughed twice at my grandmother's funeral. Tell us. I started crying. My dad had a rule, like, don't cry in front of your kids. And I started crying. And this is before we put Priscilla down.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I started crying. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, stand up. It's him and my uncle Jerry. And my dad goes, buddy, pull together. I was like, I'm upset. And he goes, why? I go, because your mom is in a box up there? And he's like, yeah, she had a great life. You celebrate her life. You don't cry. Can't let your girl see you cry. Then they're going to be freaked out.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was like, dad, it's just hard looking at her. And he goes, no, no, no, no, you're fine. I go, well, she's not smiling. And he goes, are you an idiot? He goes, do you want her smiling in that box? Do you have any idea how creepy that is? And I started laughing. And then he goes, there you go. All right, you're out of it. Good. Let's go.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Thank you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
So then at the end of that funeral, everyone leaves my dad and my uncle Jerry. Oh, I mean, this makes, they go, Hey, come on. I said, what? And they go, let's go. Let's go say goodbye to grandma. And this was them saying, it's okay to cry. Oh, my God. I've never seen two uglier cries in my life. These men let go of years of trauma. I'll tell you right before she died.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
This is the hardest I've ever watched these two men laugh. We go to the hospital. My grandmother was in congenitive heart failure or whatever. So we go to the hospital. Grandma's on the bed. Uncle Jerry and my dad are in the corner and they're hiding their faces because they're crying. They're hiding their faces behind the curtains. Okay. And they're really emotional.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I'm not, for whatever reason, I'm not in that moment. And I go, hey, grandma, how you doing? And she goes, oh, my back hurts. That's heart failures when your back hurts. And I go, well, do you want me to rub your back? She goes, I would love that. Birdie boy, rub my back. So I start rubbing her back. I go, I love you so much, Grandma. I go, I think you're going to make it out of this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then I go, wait, I think you might have dropped a tissue behind your bed because I can feel, I think there's tissue falling off. And she goes, that's my skin. And my dad and my uncle go from crying to laughing hysterically. And my dad's going, he's kicking my face. He's rubbing skin off her back. He's rubbing skin off her back.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And my Uncle Jerry's just, and I'm watching these two curtains shake and I'm just rubbing skin off her back going, I love you, Grandma. Yeah. I can laugh through just about anything.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I start, okay. I came home. I was on the treadmill and Lannan's in the room with the girls and this is, this is in Priscilla's third knee surgery. Priscilla had five knee surgeries. On her second knee surgery, they realized the other knee was bad too. They were going to have to do another one. And the guy goes, listen, you're 15 grand into this dog.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I think it's just, I think we need to put her down. And I went, what? And he goes, I can't promise that these are going to last, but like, I'm telling you the one that we already fixed, that's bad again. We got to do that again. So she's asleep. I can put her down right now if you'd like. And I went, well, hold on. And I went, oh my God, give me a, can you give me a second?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And he goes, yeah, yeah. Give me like, go talk to your wife, but call me soon. So I start crying and I, and I'm, I'm trying to hold it together and I walk in the room and the girls see me crying and they start laughing and they go, oh mom, dad's crying. And Leanne goes, girls, if dad's crying, we're all about to be crying in a matter of seconds.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
and funny and i go they want to put priscilla down and george or not like what and then pulled together and we didn't put her down we got two more we got those two knee surgeries then two more knee surgeries and uh yeah but they've seen me cry a lot now yeah once i once the floodgates open dude i cried at the avengers movie when when spider-man died I was sobbing, crying and Isla's mocking me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I cry at movies real quick. I do too. And they will, and they just, you just watch them. They don't even watch the movie. They just watch me and stare at me and giggle. Yeah. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I think that's accurate. I don't think anyone, I think people think I'm a one thing. And then when they find out, like, the one that always shocks everyone is I've only had sex with six women. And they're like, what? And I was like, yeah, I'm just, I wasn't that guy. Like the time I lost my virginity, that changed my life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I got a good one. All right. I'm going to say real names, too. I sat next to a woman, first class, when I was just married with kids. I had Isla and Georgia, but they were still really young. And the woman was coming back from Tibet. And she had the beads on and henna all over. Hot, attractive. Probably a little older than me. Maybe I'd say 43. I was 30, maybe six at the time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And that moment I went from, okay, I'm not cool guy that could just bang chicks. I'm super sensitive guy that needs you to get me because I'm not sure I do this right. Like my wife goes, my wife takes those phone calls and she knows I'm never going to cheat. She knows I am a wreck. I am a wreck. But yeah. And so everyone's like, really? You've only had sex with sick. I go, yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Cause I, in college I'd go to a bar and I just hoping someone would get me. Like I wanted someone that wanted to watch Fletch three times in a night.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
She says, as long as it's funny.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
She goes, as long as it's not mean and it's funny, I'm in. I remember the time I realized she was game for anything. She farted during oral sex. And I made a joke and she started crying. And I said, what are you crying about? I'm the one in the fire hole. What are you, what are you, I'm gonna shit my mouth. What are you, you're crying? And she said to me, you're definitely telling this on stage.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I wait, I said, what, can I? And she goes, well, yeah, obviously if I did this, someone else has done this. I'm not the only one that ever did it. And it's funny, you should talk about this on stage. And I did. And man, it was, it was like a killer bit for a while. Yeah. But, like, yeah, she watched this hour, and her note was, I'm cool with everything you're saying.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I need to know the way you're saying it has love in it. Like, it has to have a smile in it. Because when you do material a lot, you get bored of it, and sometimes you don't show the sparkle in it the way you did when you wrote it. And with this material, I mean, making fun of a woman because she's getting older and she's going through menopause and she's aging –
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And if you don't say it with love or a smile, that was her exact word. There needs to be a smile and a little bit of rascal in your voice. Like you need to say. And so she was really adamant about that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, she's, I mean, look, she's not funny. Let's be very clear. I take offense when she tells the people at the party, I'm the funny one at home. I go, hang on. My comedy bought the house. Let's be real, okay? She's a gangster. She's awesome. And same with our girls. She's kind of monitors the material and everything. and runs it by with them, with her, and talks to them about it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Do they think dad's really cool or dad's human? Oh, human. They don't think I'm cool at all.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I don't think it was ever cool. I had a period of where Georgia, I could tell, thought I was kind of cool. Georgia had this, we took her on Fully Loaded one year, her and her friend Daisy. I got this great picture. At the end of the night, I'd tell the machine. And then I'd bring all the comics on stage. And I'd have them bring me a beer, and I'd kill a beer, and I'd spit it in the air.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And it was a fun moment to wait to close the show, and it was always a really cool picture. And one year, I call all the comics out, and then everyone starts walking off, and I'm saying goodbye, and Georgia comes out. I got this great picture, and she throws her arm in the air like she just did a stand-up. Like she did a stand-up. And I was like, what are you doing?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And she goes, I just wanted to see what it felt like. But I think they think I'm okay. I don't think they think I'm cool. In all honesty, if I didn't ever go to their college ever again, they'd be very comfortable with that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And we start having drinks, and we're talking. And then she says, what are you doing when you land in LA? I said, I'm going home. She goes, don't. Come to my place. Let's have sex. I said, what? She goes, I'm out of divorce. That's why I went over to Tibet. I'm a little lost, but I'm just looking to get. And I went, okay. I said, listen, I'm married. And so you got the wrong guy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
No, like parents weekend. Yeah, right. Parents weekend or, you know, we went and looked at colleges. I wanted Georgia to go to Boulder. And so we went to Boulder. And this kid yells out the window, the machine. And then all of a sudden word got out on campus and kids started running and finding me. And I watched this kid, my child, lose interest in a school very quick. A great school.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
One of the best schools in the universe. I love that school. And she was like, yeah, I'm not going here. I was like, what? She goes, I'm not going to a place where you have fans. I was like, baby, I think that's going to be tough. And then she was like, I won't go to Florida State. I won't go to Florida. I'm not going here. I'm not going to Georgia. I'm going, I'm going to find my place.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And so I didn't go look at schools with her. And the next two schools she looked at, she loved. She got into both of them and she chose one. And same with Isla. Isla would, they hate when I get recognized. Last night we flew in and paparazzi was waiting for me at the airport.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And Georgia was just like, like she walked in and like stood by a wall and was like, she was like, can we just, mom, can we make this stop? And I was like, I don't, I'm not rude. So I'm like, I'm going to talk to them. If they want to talk to me, I'll say something to them. I'm not going to be there forever, but yeah, they, I think they would be cool if I wasn't famous.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
We had a moment, we were skiing. It was a very luxurious thing to do. It's not lost on my kids, because we didn't always have money, but we were on skiing, and Georgia was having a rough time. Just, there was something going on with Georgia. By the way, we didn't know this, but we all had COVID at the time. And so, Georgia's having a rough time, and she has a meltdown.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And she's, you know, what, a junior in college, high school? At the time, she's having a meltdown. And I'm talking to her in front of where we're staying right by the lifts. And we're both in our ski outfits. I'm holding my snowboard. She's got her snowboard and she's crying. And I'm trying to talk to her and help her out with this thing she's going through.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And these two dudes are like, oh shit, the machine. And I just look at her eyes and she's like, And I was like, what's up, guys? And they're like, can we get a picture? I go, I'm kind of doing a thing. They're like, real quick, real quick. And I'm like, it's easier just to take the picture than to. And so I take the picture. She goes, I understand that this allows us to do this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
She goes, it would be nice just to have my dad sometimes. And I was like, I know. It's sharing your time with fans is what is difficult for them. And I'm not a good guy at like saying no. Like I don't, I've seen my friends do that before and it always rubs me wrong. I'm like, just take a picture with it. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, I mean, you know, you forget, you know, a little bit of what we do is talk. We talk, you know, there's someone right now that probably has a weird relationship with their dad and is hearing this and that's going, you know, there's things that we hope it's funny too, but you know, like doing the biggest one I always got was you got me through the pandemic. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Because, you know, we put out content for them to distract themselves with. A lot of people didn't have big houses to stay in during the pandemic. They were in an apartment. And they're just like, this is miserable. And I get that a lot. I get, you know, right now the one I'm getting is, you know, we just put our dog down. You, I've never laughed and sobbed at the same time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I go, but I got the right guy for you. She said, really? And I said, trust me. Can you just trust me? So we land and I call Mike Young. He's a real name. I go, Mike, you want sex tonight? And he was like, with you? I go, no, I got a beautiful woman, 43 years old. And he goes, yeah, give her my number. She gives her another number. They meet at the comedy store. They go back to her place.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Thank you for letting us process. But, you know, the least I can do is take a second and talk to someone who wants to say hi to me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah, I've never done this before. I don't mean this cocky, but I don't think there's a lot of comics.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
That are doing that. And I didn't know if I should do it. What made you do it? Why did you go there? It was ready. I did that story before Razzle Dazzle. I was going to do it at the end of Razzle Dazzle, and I just thought, I don't know. It felt weird to me for that material. That material, it felt weird. And Georgia called me one time on stage. I was on stage.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
and right before i released razzle dazzle she goes what are you doing i said i'm doing stand-up she goes oh are you telling the escape room story and i was like no why should i she goes absolutely dad you remember you almost shit in papa's mouth i went oh yeah and then she kind of broke down the story on stage told it i went that's my closer and i was like good i'll get made fun of if i do this dog story everyone's gonna make fun of me and and and say i i just i can i'm thinking of it too much
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then I do this special, and everyone I was working with was like, are you seeing what's happening in the room? And I was like, no, because you can't really see anything. And it's an arena. And they're like, yo, we're out there. And they're like, grown men are sobbing, crying. Like, people are holding each other and laughing and crying at the same time. They're like, this is different.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like, I remember a dude I really respect I brought with me on the road. He's like, that has to be your closer. He's like, I don't know one comic making people cry, but making them happy cry. Like they're crying for something they love, and then they're laughing, and you end on a laugh. He's like, you have to do it. I just didn't know if it worked. It was like what you said about writing a book.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You sit with it for four years. And I shot this in – July and it just came out this March. So I've been sitting on this special and I just was like, I am going to get destroyed. Like I, I just started in my head going like, no one's going to like this. Everyone's going to make fun of this last story. They're going to go, Oh, bird always cries. That's all he does. And, um, and I put it out.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like the first day, it was trending at number two and I went, which I'd never trended over six. And I was like, whoa, that's weird. And I went into my stories where people like mention you and it just looked like a straight line. And I was like, whoa. And I was like, I only got one story. I only got one person mentioning me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I hit it and I hit it and I was like, oh my God, I couldn't get the line to go away. And I was like, and it was all about this story. Everyone was just sobbing, crying. People were sending me pictures of their dogs. They were holding their dogs. They were filming their husbands crying. They were, I mean, it was so cathartic for me and I'll be very real. So you get on Netflix on a Tuesday.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
They have sex. They've never talked again. And I was like, boom, man, slam dunk. I got great ones. I sat next to Ric Flair one time and we both drank identically. We both ordered drinks for our wives and ourselves and then drank our wives drinks and then drank our drinks. And I was like, Ooh, Ric Flair and I drink alike. I had a girl walk me to my room in Soho the other night.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You find out if you trend on Wednesday. I did press all Wednesday morning from 6 in the morning until 9 o'clock. I don't know if anyone's liked the special. I don't know if it's trending. I don't know any of that. I go and take a nap. And I'm waiting for an agent or someone to text me. Like, I figured, I said to myself, if it just trends in the top 10, I'm going to be happy. Look, I'm 52.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
There's guys doing it better than me, younger than me. I expect them to just blow my doors off. Just... Please tell me I have another year of doing stand-up. That's the way your head's thinking. And I took a nap. I woke up and I got a text from a younger comic I really, really like, Ricky Velez. And he just said, yo, man, you're killing it. This is a great special.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I've been a fan of yours for a while. I'd love to hang out next time I'm in LA. Not do a podcast, hang out. I was like, that's cool. And I like this guy. This guy's doing what I was trying to do at his age. He's doing it way better than I'm doing it. So I was like, Oh, nice. I was like, you liked the special. Cool. I was like, nice. A young kid liked the special. And then my texts blow up.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And that's when I went into my stories and I saw it. And as I'm watching the stories, people are saying, I started sobbing, crying, just out of gratitude, out of just sitting there going like, oh, the thing I did is good. It's not horrible. I'm not
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
horrible people don't hate me oh I was just sobbing crying in my bed I was like and then Leanne comes in from her workout class she's like what's wrong with you she just walks in she goes you're training at number two and I was like what I didn't even look at Netflix and then I was like and so I was like whatever I'm good my first day was good and then it's been like that every day the response has been crazy people really are connecting with that last story yeah
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
She was like, Hey, I'm going to come to your room. I was like, and I got her to the door and I said, listen, I was really drunk. I go, listen, It's very sweet of you, but I'm married, and I'm happily married, and I don't cheat on my wife. And she had this weird look on her face, and I woke up the next morning. I called my wife. I told her, I go, I just, I'm such a great guy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
That's all I think. You gotta remember, I didn't, like, I was just going to be a journeyman comic. Like, I wasn't supposed to be successful. Yeah. I did Travel Channel, and I thought that was going to be my life. And then when I got let go from Travel Channel and my special didn't do well, or the machine didn't do well, and I'm getting fat shamed by Tommy, I was like, okay. I remember saying...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then there was a note under my door, and it was like, Bert, I wasn't trying to have sex with you. You were too drunk. You couldn't remember what room you were in, and you didn't have a key. I just wanted to make sure you got home safe. I was like, oh, I shot down a good Samaritan? Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Are we cool with this? Can we do this like this at this level? Like I was the guy at the store when people would talk to me, more successful comments would talk to me. They'd look over my shoulder waiting for someone better to talk to. I was a nice guy. People liked me, but I wasn't relevant to them. And so they were like, Ooh, that guy's, Oh, that guy's 28 and he's killing it.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I'll give me one second, but I want to go talk to him. And I was like, am I cool with that? I remember one time coming off stage, not wearing cool sneakers, wearing dad jeans, and seeing a young comic murdering it in the car that my wife and I had seen. We had looked at that brand car, and he had the car they had in the showroom.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
The car was like $220,000, and I was like, oh, how can he afford that? So I wasn't supposed to be successful, and I was cool with it. I was definitely cool with it. I was like, I can just do comedy at Funny Bones. I love comedy. I'll keep putting out specials, maybe. You never know. Look, Rogan's a good friend. I can always do his podcast. You know, that's how my brain worked.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I had my podcast, but no one cared. And then I had a conversation with my dad. I got let go from Travel Channel. I had the conversation with Rogan. And him and Tommy, I remember them both saying like, don't worry, we can help you get ad sales. And I was like, okay. And then I posted the machine story. And then all of a sudden, it went like crazy. I mean, I had never experienced that before.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like genuinely viral. And then all of a sudden, I started selling tickets. And I was like, whoa. Holy crap, this is crazy. He's just selling out, not looking at ticket counts, just going in and knowing everything's clean. And so I really honestly had kind of already let go of all of it. But there's a part of me that remembers, oh, it was cool.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I remember getting, right before I got let go in Travel Channel, I got into a town car. They got me a town car for something. And I remember getting in and going, this is the last town car I'll ride in. I was like, I should really enjoy this. So I kept always saying that. Every time I went to theaters, I was like, I probably won't do theaters again. You only do theaters once, really.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I'll go back to clubs, but enjoy this. This is the Chicago theater. Let's go for a jog tonight and watch the sunset. And then, yo, this is crazy. I'm doing The Beacon. I probably am not going to sell two shows of The Beacon ever again. So let's really enjoy this. And I brought my girls that I grew up with in Tampa out to my bus, and we hung out and
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then when I started doing arena, I didn't even know I was going to do arenas. I didn't know I was doing an arena. I was in Green Bay. And I was like, I'm doing an arena? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, whoa, I got to really enjoy this. And so I, every step of the way, have been like, I got to enjoy this. But then, you know, I take nine months off, wait for the special to be released.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I've been doing that our whole marriage. Our marriage is based on fun and laughter. I mean, for real, it is probably the funnest. It's by far, it's the funnest relationship I have in my life. We joke nonstop. We're in couples therapy right now. And as we walk out, I decide who won or who lost. Like, it's just a blast. And I've been doing that ever since, ever since, uh,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I did it again. Am I cool?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
not being relevant am i cool with not being the thing the shiny object and maybe going back to clubs or going back to theaters i i remember i texted my manager today i go hey guys i'm i don't need to do arenas anymore i can do i love theaters so kevin hart did a theater i go there's no shame in doing a theater a lot of them you can see a lot of you make more money than an arena and then special came out and i was like it was just like a relief i was like
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was like, I can breathe. I can breathe that. Oh my God. That is like, and, uh, And then we were on a call today, and they're like, yo, you know, doing arenas again in the fall, starting in September. And I told them, I said, and I said to them, I said, you know, hey, when we book out 2026, I don't have to do arena tours. Like, I don't have to be holding on to something.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I don't know. I don't care. I've watched it go away for people. It sucks. You're right. Watching someone hold too tightly. That's why that song, Hold On Loosely by 38 Special is so great.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Hold On Loosely.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah. That's a great name for a special. Yeah. Yeah, it is a good name.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I still hold it. Yeah, you still hold it. I just signed up. When I did The Machine, my producer, Cale Boyder, he's one of the greatest guys. Like, guys. Happens to be a great movie producer. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to not drink. I'm going to be clean. I'm going to work out. I'm going to eat clean. I'm going to look good. And he just kind of looked at me and was like, hey, man.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
That's not who I hired. He's like, look, if I know who you are, like if you're not having fun, you're not going to, it's going to show up on screen. But if you're having fun, it'll show up on screen. Like if you were having fun and he goes, I can't tell you the movie is going to be hit. I can't tell if it's going to be a flop that you never know.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
But what I can tell you is you probably only get to make one movie. So enjoy this process. Have fun. And man, I had so much fun making the machine. It was the experience of a lifetime because every day I was like, I will never make another movie. I will never have another movie where I don't have to memorize lines because I say whatever I want to say.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like it was like the greatest life experience of my life. But yeah, that's how I look at every project. This is probably the last one I'll do. You know, I thought, I know I have one more special with Netflix. Like I owe them one. And I go, that might be my last one. But that only makes it better, though.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
We were a young married couple. I'd text her. I'd go, just so you know, I'm getting jocked. And then I sent a picture, and Leanne's like, she's got a lazy eye. And I'm like, oh, man. Yeah. And she gives it back to you, too? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Her and my daughters are just bullies. Like, bullies. Like, they've never... They call me Baby Walrus. They've never...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
So the cool thing about a special, and you don't get to experience this, and I don't think some comics think about this, but I think about this. So I take this material that I create about 18, 24 months out, and I take this, and I work it, and I play with it. And at a certain point, I get bored of it, and I reinvent it, and I come back to it, but I play with this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
For two years, I work on this same stuff. And when I do my last taping, I did six shows, and on my last taping, I was present and I said, this is the last time I'll say these words. Oh, it's like, it's like my, I give them the universe. They'll never get them again. And I get so emotional saying that, but you know, you're so, your material is who you are.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I can't, and I go, this is the last time I'll say this word, this wording in this cadence. And it's just so it's with a band. You never do that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then sometimes you tell a story like a machine and you've been telling it now for 15 years. I'll still tell it. I'll still tell it. Listen, I was that story. You can change my, I sat, I sat in the Ryman theater. There's a woman named Angela Johnson. Brilliant comic. She's got a great nail salon bit. I was with Arch fear and Nate, Nate Bargatze. None of us were working very well.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
None of us were making money. She had sold out the Ryman and they were chanting for this nail salon bit. And I said to the Lord, I said, Lord God, Give me one bit that people give a shit about. I'll tell it until the day I die. And he was definitely listening. He was like, I got you. I'll one up it. I'll make it a 12 minute bit. You're going to make a movie out of this bit. I'll tell, I got you.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And that's my nail salon bit.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I think it was stupidity. I think, I mean, I just was like... You know, when I got into the business, I was like 100% transparency. I was watching comics as a character, and I was like, that doesn't seem fun. So you're going to pick a character, and then you're going to stay a character your whole life?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was like, I'm going to be Bert, and I'm just going to be Bert, and anything I think I say, and I'm going to live by the sword, die by the sword. This is my thing. And when anxiety came up, I just was like, yo, it's, I have anxiety. Like I have anxiety. I have really bad anxiety. I have OCD. I have intrusive thought. I have, I have struggled with that. I don't know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I don't think I have depression only because I just, I can't, I can't, I can't, I think people that have real, real depression think it's insulting for me to think the thing I go through is depression. I know what it's like to have anxiety. I had an anxiety attack driving in college and I didn't know what it was. I thought I had a brain tumor.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then the first time I was explaining it to someone, and this is, I mean, this is probably 27 years old, 28 years old. I was explaining it to someone and they were like, oh, you get anxiety attacks. I went to a therapist and she said, I have a fear of flying. I don't know if you noticed, but I have a fear of flying. I have rituals I do when I fly. She said, well, yeah, you have anxiety.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
They bust my balls harder than anyone I've ever met. Other than my two sisters. The women in my life run my life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Let me give you Xanax. Then I took Xanax, and I was like, oh, my God. Is this what regular people feel like? I was like, are you kidding me? And then I developed a problem with Xanax, as many people with anxiety do. And my wife, right when we had Georgia, she said, yo, you're done taking Xanax. I'd been using it on and off for like a year.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And she, maybe a little more, and Leanne's like, you're done with Xanax. It's, you can have one if you need one, but it can't be your go-to every night. It can't be the way you put yourself to sleep. And then when we started doing podcasts, I just was like, I don't know, I was like, I just be open and honest. You know, I have ruminating thoughts where I just chew a thought over and over again.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
This morning? You want the one this morning? A great, great comic, Nick Thune was telling me about when he quit drinking and he said he was having a liver failure and his back was hurting. And this morning I woke up on my side and my back hurt. I went, that does it. You partied too much. Your liver's failing. Your liver's failing. And I started going through thoughts. I could not stop.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I have a saying when I go, when I start having anxiety or OCD, I go, be like a shark. Get out of bed and start moving. Second you start moving, things start helping. And I go, get in the gym. Get in the sauna. Let's get in the sauna. Let's get in the sauna. Let's sweat some stuff out. It's just back pain. Trust me, you would have other symptoms. But I can't connect with it.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And it just goes on and on and on. And I just obsess about it. And then I bring it up to almost everyone. I've brought it up to everyone I've seen today. And then I go, no booze, no booze anymore. I'm done for a month. I'm going to cut off for a month. That does it. And then I come up here and I see your house. I go, all right, bottle of champagne. What's it going to hurt, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
But I have a saying with life, whether you're dealing with anxiety, OCD, eating, drinking, masturbate, whatever your little thing is, My saying is, and it kind of calms me down, Let's do today just a little better than we did yesterday. That's all we got to do. Just a baby step. A little better than yesterday. And if we have a bad day today, realize tomorrow we're going to do better.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
We have an opportunity to do better tomorrow. And so I've been stuck in that mindset today. And I said, let's just get, let's do a little bit better today than we did yesterday. And so that's where my head's at. But yeah, they've got, I've had really, and you know, my daughters have anxiety and Leanne doesn't. They have sleep anxiety. They both had sleep anxiety when they were young.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
So Georgia would wake up and think she was dying. And I remember I was so glad I had anxiety then because I could help her. Leanne's like, just go count sheep. I go, uh-uh, let's not count. We're not counting. That's the worst way to deal with this. Just because if you, it's shutting your brain off is the thing you need to do. If your brain's just going after it, you're screwed.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And so, but Leanne's also a gangster. She got both of them into therapy immediately. And this therapist helped them immensely. But now George and I can text about anxiety. and talk about it. And the best thing about it is when you know other people have it, you're like, oh. So I'm not broken. I'm not crazy. Definitely not. Yeah, and that's the greatest feeling. And look, my family's seen me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
When I get ready for a flight, it's like I get physically ill. I start feeling my head getting tight. I feel this. And they're like, hey, you're just having anxiety. And then to recognize it sometimes, it doesn't help 100%, but you can breathe. That's another one thing I always say, like, wait, I'm breathing. I'm still breathing. And I just take deep breaths and I'm still breathing.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Crazy anxiety scuba diving.
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Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, Baby Walrus started, our chat thread, Baby Walrus. And it was pictures where they thought I was cute. And it's like the worst pictures ever. And it's like one of them is me on a surfboard covered in sunscreen. And I just am sitting crisscross applesauce on a surfboard. And I look fat. And I got a hoodie on. It's so bad.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I mean, probably one of the biggest panic attacks I ever had were scuba diving in a thunderstorm in Fiji at 90 feet. Yeah, that would do it. And we're in a tin boat and I'm just like, I get in the water and we start sinking and I realize very quick, nothing I like is down at the bottom of this ocean. And I start kicking up to the top and my dive instructor just grabs me
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
grabs my BC, grabs my thing, puts it in my mouth, like just holds it there and just going like this. And I sunk with this Fijian woman who looked like Junior Seau. She was a big woman. And she took me to the bottom of the ocean. And I was like, and then, but you know, I got through it. You get through it. You always get through it. No one dies from anxiety.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I don't know if I have, and I don't know if they're healthy. I know alcohol has been a big coping mechanism of mine. Yeah. When I, the first time I learned I could sleep without drinking, like, you know, cause you do it from 22 to like, you know, 30. And then one day you're like, I got to try to go to sleep without a cocktail or a glass of wine.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
First time I did that, I was like, whoa, I can fall asleep. Shut up. Oh my God. I've got enough tools to shut my brain off. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, yeah. I mean, look, let's be real. Alcohol is poison. Everyone knows that. It's not good. You shouldn't do it. But I'm also not a Mormon. I like to have a good time. I like to get loose. For alcohol, for me, it's not even the buzz. I got to be honest with you. It's the letting loose. It's the celebration. It's the, hey, do you want to do a shot? And you go, oh, I definitely want to do it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like, it's the permission to party. Like, it literally is. I mean, I named that tour this because when someone's like, hey, man, when someone likes a joint, you're like, you want that? That's... That's like, yo, let's do it. Let's get after it. I love when people crack open a bottle of wine, crack open a drink and go, hey, you want one? It's the funnest thing in the world.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
When flight attendants say to me, can I get you something to drink? I love that because they don't always say that. But when they do, I go, this is going to be a good flight. I have a speech that people passed around, but it is like a first kiss. When we got married, Leanne goes, I said, does it bum you out you'll never have sex with anyone? She goes, no, absolutely not. I said, me either.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I said, I think I'm good just having sex with you. She goes, what really bums me out is I'll never get a first kiss. Now, for us, that's the worst because we got to do the kiss. All the anxiety is on us. We got to wait the whole night. Does she want to kiss me? Is she going to kiss me? Should I do it in the car? Should I do it when we walk to the car? When should I do it?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, no, that was the wrong time. That was the wrong time. For a woman, it's just this excitement of like – When's it gonna happen? Is he doing it now? When's my present show up? And that's how I feel about shots.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
So I'm crazy. I'm crazy neurotic, okay? Okay. So I check all of it. My favorite day in the year is, what, December 30th when they post our scores.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I love WHOOP. And I have found that if I am overly hydrated— my, my heart rate is lower. So every night before I go to bed, I drink four liquid deaths, 19 ounce liquid deaths. I drink four of them. I pee in the middle of the night, but I drink four of them. My heart rate's around 56 beats per minute when I, and I, and that's after having, you know, bottle of wine or some porosos.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
But it's them sending pictures where they think I look cute, but I look like an idiot. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And so I'm wildly hydrated and that is my key for my whoop. It also, you know, for me, it also tells you how hard to work out. I love that. I love a goal because I you know, when we did the first sober October, we were Charles also trying to set goals of how hard we can work out. And that when you see the top of the mountain, you know, where you have to go. And so you go, all right, I'm not done.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I'm getting back on the treadmill. I'm going to get on the assault bike. Okay. Here we're going to do the skier for we'll do. And I like, I love that. Like right now I've already hit my goal. My goal was like, I slept horrible last night. My goal was, uh, I think at 10 and I'm at 9.6, but if it wasn't,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
go to the gym hit the skierg uh 10 calories 10 times and we'll see you just get there 10 and get a minute break yeah i like that shit i love it i love whoops you it's great to measure you need it and then they measure your steps you're like yo how long have you been doing that because you i didn't send this in you just turn something on give me my old steps i want to know what my old steps were
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah. When I started measuring steps was a very first, I got a Fitbit, the little one you put in your pocket and bro, that changed the game for me. I was like, I'm into fitness tracking. And then when they sent these to us for the first, second Sober October, buddy, I've been, this thing does not come off my wrist unless I do a special, I take it off. You're going to need to pay me for that whoop.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
They still do. They're pretty good to us.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Buddy, you're the best interviewer I've ever done. You're so good at this. I feel so present. It's crazy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
What we should do is we should do a double date, your wife and my wife. I love that. And then my wife's going to go, shut the up, Bert. Let him talk.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I've got your number.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Okay.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
It's the one of me on the surfboard.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Don't take anyone's advice. That's the best advice. But sometimes everyone's advice is so built up with their bullshit. I remember posting a dance video and everyone was like, why would you do that? Sold out my tour in seconds. I'm so glad I didn't listen to anybody. That's a good story. Don't take anyone's advice.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And they're all just pictures of me looking horrible.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
They're giving you advice based on their failures. Totally. And you're not them. Totally.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah. Having said that, Joe Rogan gave me the best advice ever. And he just said to me, just, you know, a little high, a little drunk in the back of the store. He's like, you need a Netflix special. And I was like, yeah. He's like, no, you need one. I was like, I don't know how to get that, Joe. And he goes, be undeniable. And he just walked away. I was like, the fuck does that mean?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I wrote in my joke book and I just tried to figure it out. And then when you are undeniable, you're like, oh, that was great advice.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Worst advice I ever got was you should start wearing a shirt. If I had worn a shirt. Who told you that? I won't say her name, but someone that worked at Showtime. She said, hey, you should wear a shirt for this. Trust me, no one does it without a shirt for a reason. You should wear a shirt. And I almost did. And then she said, how about this? You do one with a shirt, one without a shirt. Okay?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I said, well, then we can't cut in between them. She goes, yeah, we'll use one with a shirt. Do not do it without a shirt. And I was like, I don't know. I can't remember thinking I'm a little different. Like I want to do it my way. Like I know that. And a lot of people were like, why would you not wear a shirt? My dad, why would you buddy put on a Brooks brothers coat, a tie look sharp.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I was like, nah, I'm going to do it shirtless. And thank God. I mean, like, I think that's been my, I mean, that's how sometimes people just go, oh, I didn't recognize you with a shirt on.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
People would turn off. My breasts are just too meaty. I'm at the point now where my breasts hit my stomach. You don't know what that's like. It's sad. I look good standing up shirtless, but sitting down shirtless, I look like a melted candle.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I can answer these last ones shirtless. Just to really be brand friendly. God, this is a nice shirt, too.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
No. I was like... Dare I say like... painfully serious. I mean, I always was funny, but I didn't know. I thought what I was doing was cool. And from the outside looking in, it wasn't. It was funny. So I didn't realize that I was being funny. I think a lot of comics have this. I just told the story in therapy the other day. When I was in first grade, I played second base. I'm really into baseball.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I love it. Now I'm like, okay, what's our next question?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh. I'll tell you what's similar, okay? I parented my kids the exact way my dad parented me. What's different is my kids are smarter than I was and they told me I was doing it wrong. Dude, I was a raise your voice, Raise your voice, kind of dad. Girls didn't, I remember the biggest fight we ever got with girls. They took the collars. They're like, well, our dogs are naked.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And we have bull masters. I go, girls, the second you take the collars off, I can't control that dog. And they let both the dogs out and they chased a woman. And I couldn't get them to take the collars. And I came in and I started yelling at my girls. And Georgia goes, just so you know, When you get to here, we know there's nowhere else you're going. And I was like, what?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And she goes, the threat's over. This is as bad as it gets. And I was like, what? She goes, you're not going to hit us, so it's not working. All right? And I was like, oh, shit. And I realized, oh, it's not working. You can't just go like, that does it. Because this is as bad as it gets. I go, okay, where does it go from here? And then Georgia...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
uh took the car with her friends and you're not allowed to do that and she was like here we go again leanne caught her and i said yo come home right now she drops her friends off she comes home she sits and she's like all right do it like like that i go hey it's just unsafe can you do me a favor just write like write like a thousand words on why you think that i'd be upset about this
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And she started crying. And she goes, wait, you're not going to yell at me? I went, no. I go, it doesn't work. You said that. It doesn't work. And it doesn't work. You're still doing bad things. So just write 1,000 words and then give it to me. And she started sobbing, crying. And she goes, I think you're turning into a really great dad. And I was like, really?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And she goes, dad, you understand me. Dad, it didn't work. And then she wrote 1,000 words. And it was all 1,000 words why she loves me and doesn't want to let me down. And I went, what? Oh, shit. Yeah. I love my dad, but he didn't do that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, those two kids. Those two kids are just incredible kids. Really incredible kids who get it and get me. And they're not perfect. Trying to plan a trip to Hawaii, and both of them want to get jobs this summer. I'm like, what are we talking about? If my dad said Hawaii, I'd be like, yeah, I'll quit my job tomorrow, dad.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I think if people heard my inner dialogue sometimes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I think they'd, I think people would be bummed out for me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You know how you say like, you say like the things sometimes you say to yourself, you go, I forget the quote, but it's like, you know, what would you say if someone was saying that about your daughter? Yeah. And you go, oh, I'd beat that person up. Why would you let them do it to you? Sometimes my inner dialogue can be really punitive. And I think if people heard it,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
it would break their heart a little bit. And that's the one thing I tried better to change about myself is my inner dialogue, to be more positive about myself. But at the same time, that punitiveness is the thing that drives me a little bit where I go, don't let them, if they think that about you, you change, you do better. That does it. Let's get in the gym. Let's write. Let's read that script.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Let's do that movie. Let's challenge ourselves to do that. Let's go back on tour. Let's take time off. I think that inner dialogue, as unhealthy as it may be, I bet if most people heard that inner dialogue, they'd give me a hug and go, I do the same shit.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
We all do it. You just look in the mirror and then you should be happy. Look at these crystal blue electric eyes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was really into baseball growing up. I played second base. Fly ball to me. Base is loaded. Fly ball to me. I catch it. And then I spike it and I take my shirt off and I start dancing. Now my dad was livid. He was like, what is wrong with you? And, but everyone laughed and I thought what I was doing was cool.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I'm always blown away by guys with crazy confidence. Yeah. And I'm like, is that real? Yeah. Like, I go, like, people just talk wild shit. I'm like, yo, I'm actually a good comic. Yeah. I'm better than, like, I'm, like, legit better. Like, you believe that about yourself? I'm always blown away by that. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
It's crazy. I think that's, yeah, I don't know who I'd be with if I, like I sometimes toy with the idea of getting on Prozac or something. And then I go, but wait, I don't want to get rid of the, maybe that's my mom. I told her I was going to get on Prozac. She goes, oh honey, those are your nooks and crannies. I was like, what? My mom has zero anxiety. Zero anxiety.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
My dad called one time. He just called me on FaceTime. He goes, hey, buddy, I want to just tell you that I love you. I'm going into surgery tomorrow. I go, okay. I said, was it a crazy surgery? He goes, no, but you know, I love you. And I hear from my mom in the background go, sometimes they don't wake up. And I was like, wait, mom, what? She said, sometimes they don't wake up.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
So your dad may not wake up. He may die. And I'm like, I look at my dad's eyes and he's like, I live with this woman.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh wow. Every podcast I do. Cause you're sensitive too. That's the thing. Oh, I never, I never want to joke to hurt someone. Yeah. I remember I told a joke one time about, uh, about black women. It was a good joke. I would have stood by it. Had a fan not come up to me. It was a black woman. She was really pretty. And she said, Hey man, I, uh, I'm a fan. And I was like, cool.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
She goes, I just want you to know that that joke kind of hurt a little bit. And she goes, and I know that wasn't your intention, but it didn't make me feel like I was still part of the team. I felt like I was now an outsider. And I went, Ooh, she goes, yeah, I know. She goes, I didn't, I wasn't thinking about being black until you said that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then people were like, yeah, but they just see this six year old, seven year old dancing shirtless in second base. And so my whole life, I think I was always trying to be serious. I dressed up as Kiss for the talent show. I was dead serious. Like, you're going to watch me kill it out here. And I remember being in the thing. I had a guitar. The car didn't have strings.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then when you said it, I realized I was like, I'm the only black woman in there. And I went, oh, that's not my intention. And she goes, I know. That's why I'm telling you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I was like, yeah. And I remember, but you don't realize that. When you do comedy, you're just trying to get laughs, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the one time I didn't believe a guy was blind and he was blind. I really regret that. Tommy told me he wasn't blind. He was lying. And I tested him. And then he got up and he was really blind. And I was like, wow, he's really blind.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And they're like, he got blind two days ago. And I was like, oh, God. So he wasn't, it was, yeah. Hey, I can, we can do a podcast on regrets. I've been doing this 25 years.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
They were like, they told me they go, yeah, dad's just a misogynist. And I went, no, I'm not. And they went, have you ever watched your standup? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, do you hear the way you talk about mom? And I was like, that's mom. And they're like, dude, dad, you're a wild misogynist. And then Isla was like, could you just write a joke for women?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like to make the women feel like better than the men. And I was like, I can do that. And then I wrote it and they didn't like it. They definitely didn't like it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Maybe, I don't know. I don't know what my direction is. Now that I have this crying joke at the end, I feel like everyone's going to be like, what are you going to make us cry about next? And I'll be like, oh God, I hope my dad dies. So I buried my dad. They're like, here we go.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
The law I would make, like, I really dig like a siesta in Spain, but not everyone's a napper, but I like that concept that there's like, I would do like, I would do state mandated happy hours. Yeah. like state mandated happy hours. We're like, we're like you, you had at five o'clock when you got off work, you couldn't go home.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You had to go to everyone have court appointed bars and you had to go to these bars and you don't have to drink, but you got to spend time and talk to people in the community. Like you've got to go there and people can drink and it's only an hour. It's one hour, but everyone goes and you, and everyone has to go and be social and just be connected to that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
That's what I think is so cool about London. We were talking about that is the pub energy. You guys got that. And I think that in America is, If we knew like, I was like, oh, we got to wrap this up. We got to go to Chili's real quick. And you're like, oh, you go to Chili's too? I go, well, this week I'm going to Chili's. And then we went to Chili's and you're like, we should get a drink.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I think that would be awesome. And I would definitely do comedy at those shows. I would love that. Court appointed, mandated, happy hour comedy shows.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I'm the luckiest dude in the world.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
You're the best. And thank you for listening to me tell you how important I was on that plane. I'm so glad I said that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I was going to air guitar. And the kid looks at me, and he goes, the kid next to me had a violin. And he goes, you play the guitar? And I said, no. He goes, what are you going to do? I said, just rock out. He was like, you're just going to go up there and dance? And I was like, and when he said it, I was like, this sounds silly. yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
I wish I recorded that. Cause I would love to hear what I sound like talking about myself. Cause I know what it, I know it comes from a good place, but especially like I can't, if I see someone I recognize, I get overwhelmed.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Dude, you're the best.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Done. Double date first.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And then I just went out and just air guitarred and danced in my mom's tights, no shirt, her belts around my chest, white face paint that me and Brian Callahan put on. So yeah, I think, and I, and I think I was that way all the way through high school. I don't think I was very funny in high school, although I was, I learned how to tell a story in high school.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
It wasn't until I gave up sports in college that people started saying I was funny.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Going to an all boys Catholic high school. It was the best. It was the best, man. I'm saying the best. Your currency was, could you hold a table? Wasn't chicks. Wasn't, did you look good? Could you hold a table? And so for lunch, you'd have a table, your boys, 12. And I would practice my story coming from religion to the table. I'd be like, all right. So we did a beer run, right? And I'm driving.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Kamen comes in. He dives in. A dog grabs his leg. I take off. And I'm practicing the story. And then I get there, and they'd be like, hey, tell us about the fight. And I'd be like, OK, got to pivot. Here we go. And I remember the first time I said a line, that like worked well, I said, dude, he got knocked out. I mean, this punch started in Miami and ended in Washington State.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And they were like, oh, like it was just, it was like storytelling was our thing. And if you could tell a good story, like Beach Week, you came up to the room Everyone wanted to know if you hooked up with that chick and you had to have a story about it. Yeah. Oh yeah. I remember one guy came up older kid and he was like, yeah, I didn't have a condom. So I used a plastic bag and we're like, what?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Like just wild stories. Yeah. And then when I got to Florida state, uh, that's when I started realizing I was funny.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Girls were a perfect example. I was so painfully serious about losing my virginity. I mean, I was dialed in. It was my only focus. And then when I did, it was such a tragedy that that story became, I remember sitting down and they're like, bro, tell the story. And all of a sudden there's like three deep. And the story I've told it on, this may not be the right setting for it,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
But I'll just say it was fast and I did it wrong. And I mean, and there were like dudes standing three people deep to hear this story. And then, you know, we had two lunches. So the next people come in, it was Ty Rodriguez, like, tell it again. And I mean, everything was like a tragedy, like a comedy of tragedies for me.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
The woman? The woman, yeah. You know her? Yeah, I know her very well. No way. That's Tampa though. I know her. I know her brother. Her dad just recently passed. Her dad was a legend. Her dad was a legend. I got to say this and, you know, She cheated on me at prom with my best friend and we had to go spend the night at her house.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
do less all the time but then some of the biggest things were the biggest hits like vindication remember listen to more better with stephanie and melissa on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts my dad's mentality is if you don't get on stage if you don't show up to work all the stuff that could possibly make your life great just disappears no matter what you show up get out there and grind the number one health and wellness podcast
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Now I'm like, uh, I'm a really sensitive guy and I was so humiliated that instead of going back into the house where they dropped us off, I went out into her car and I said, I'm just going to sit in her car. This is, we didn't have a car to get home. I didn't have any way to get home. So I sat in her car. I said, you know what? Screw it. I'm going to, I'm going to sleep out in this car.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
And I laid in the backseat of her car. And her dad just comes out and knocks on the window. He's like, you know, boxers or whatever. And he's like, buddy, this isn't how it's done. I was like, what? And he goes, I know you're hurting right now. Come in the house. Trust me. I'll make it comfortable. I said, I look, they know I've been out here. And he goes, well, we all know you've been out here.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
He goes, just walk in the house. And sleep inside tonight. I'm going to give you five minutes. So we went in, I waited five minutes and I walked in the house and very slick. Her dad was like, was like, Bert, what can I get you to drink? Would you like a beer? And I'm going to say at 17. And I was like, Oh, I would love a beer. And he's like, great.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Come on, we'll go sit outside and just made it very smooth. But yeah, I still know her.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
then and now when you look back you laugh at them right like it's at that moment that humiliation was that like the biggest humiliation you'd had at that point in your life oh yeah yeah oh yeah and and i've had bigger i've had bigger but yeah that was like that was tough because i thought i was cool you know and i think that's a little bit where my comedy is i always come out the fool a little bit you know i'm always getting myself into something bigger than me and i always think i'm doing the cool thing or the smart thing and i i always screw it up
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
Oh, very real. My dad, my dad's a great dad. I love my dad. But he just was like, hey, don't cry. I was 11 years old. I was playing catcher and I got hit in the mouth of the baseball bat and I lost like 26 teeth. And my dad came over and he's like, okay, don't worry. It was my birthday, by the way. And I was like, he's like, don't worry. You're okay. Mom's going to take you to the dentist.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Comedian Bert Kreischer: My Constant Battle with My Inner Critic (Overcoming Anxiety, Chasing Approval & The Pressure to Be Funny)
but I need you to go to a shortstop. I was like, what? He goes, you're not dying. And if I sub you out of the game, we forfeit the game. So finish out the inning at shortstop. And I remember being like, what? I've been injured. And he goes, yeah, go finish shortstop. And they hit a ground ball to me at shortstop. I caught it, threw it to first. My dad goes, I'm really proud of you.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
I mean, it happens to all of us. His private jet was scheduled at 10.30. Oh. He was like, I got to save a little cash and get off on 1030. I can't push it by 15 minutes. Now, me, I fly commercial coach, usually back of the plane with the regular people. Wow. I'm relatable. Tom's not. Wow. But yeah, so Tom's on a private jet right now. So happens to all of us. Yeah.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
You know, here's the deal. Tom is like getting your, can we curse on this? Yeah. Tom's like getting your wife to have small steps. It's small steps. And right now, right now we have a pinky playing with the rim. Getting him here, you know for a fact, getting him here was a struggle. And I'm being serious. Like, he was afraid that, I'll be real, wrestlers did not like him backstage. They didn't?
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
No. Oh, no. I heard, I'm being, no one told me, I'm not going to tell you anything. Five wrestlers were not happy he was here. Were they? I mean, you don't have to say names. They were vocal. I said no names. No one's telling me names. And I heard on the walkout, I get the names. I can tell you who I guess it is. Big names, probably? You think big names? No, it's a four-letter name.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
It sounds like rad. But, I mean, I'm just guessing who I don't think. I tried to adjust. Because I hung out with Chad last time I was here. And I was like, yo, can I introduce you to my friend Tom? And he was like, yeah. But, yeah, it was. And I'll be honest with you. Listen, I love Tommy. You know I love Tommy. But getting him here. It is genuinely not his scene, you know?
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
He's not a public bathroom kind of guy. That's not his vibe. But when the matches started, he lost himself. I'm telling you right now, that guy's a wrestling fan. I don't give a shit what he says. So the sport match of the night was Chad Gable. It was... It was a Chad Gables match, and they got over onto Pat McAfee's table. And when that happened, Tom lost his model. He lost his mind.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
And they moved us down four seats, and Tom was out of his head. I swear to God, the only thing I regret, he did have to leave early for his private jet. But, dude, the last match of the night was gangbusters. It was Sammy. It was... So good. And then CM Punk came out at the end, and I was being pulled up here to do this, and I missed him around CM Punk.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Dude, everything about this is Tom, you know? Yes. I think it's just disconnected since he got so wealthy. So right now he's getting back to what it was like to be a regular person and go have regular fun. Dude, we had a blast. We were sitting in front of a Waka Waka plane.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Here's the deal. A wrestling match is just like a football game. At its best, It is just as good as six points down with two minutes to go. At its best. When you see great, great matches, not their best, as entertaining as anything. The end of that last match, when everyone's going, I mean, and then, dude, it was so crazy. You can't deny it. It's undeniable.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
And what's so funny is, you know, Tom is not someone like... Tom's Ozempic. He doesn't want to have fun. He doesn't want to have a good time. He'd rather go home, get on his phone, scroll Instagram. And I got to be honest with you, when he killed that beer, he did say, my Ozempic's going to make me pay for this. I'll be throwing up soon.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
He said that? Yeah, he goes, I'm on Ozempic. I can't chug beers. I'm going to just chug it anyway. And he killed it. And then he's like, I'm going to go throw up right now.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Dude, he was doing Ozempic before they called him Ozempic.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Wow. He's a lab rat. By the way, hold on. He was doing Ozempic when no one had any study trials.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Yeah, he was the trial. Okay, he's going to see this. He's going to be pissed. He legit was trying to get me on his epic today. Like, he was like, buddy, get on it. It's a shot. Once a week, you lose the weight. You stay off the weight. You're not as hungry. You feel full early.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
But the problem with his epic is it takes the zest and joy out of life where you overeat and feel sick and throw up in your mouth while you sleep. That's the part of life I like.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Buddy, you haven't seen the marks on my chest and on my back. They slapped me so hard that I literally, my **** hurt. It was incredible. Hold on, hold on. Can I real quick talk to you? Did you see the last match I was at in Minneapolis? Yeah. Did you see the stuff that wasn't filmed? Yeah, we.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Bro. Yeah. Can I tell you, that was the hardest Tom laugh today. I think it's Austin got in. I think it was Austin. got in and started taunting me. And he goes, what's up, fat boy? Shut your mouth, fat boy. Tommy was crying, laughing. This is really good for Tom.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
In the kind of way that it's good for Tom, you know, I mean, not to soft plug us, but with our vodka, Porosos, when you get Tom loose and you get like, you know, 10 milligram Tom and he starts having a good time. It's the best thing for him. Some people are introverts, some people are extroverts, and Tom is a real genuine introvert. And this is not his speed.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
But, man, I'm telling you, he was through the roof tonight. He had a blast.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Yeah, did he yeet? No, we pissed during the yeet, and we hung out with Titus. Who the hell is that? I go, it's Titus. He's got the biggest hands in the world. I was like, and Tom did not know who it was. He goes, sir, can we get a picture? Sure.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Yeah. True. I told Triple H when we got there, I talked to Triple H and I told him, I was like, yo, I want to take a bump. And he was like, like, You've got to come to Orlando for like a week. We did that with Bad Bunny. You've got to like jelly roll. You've got to like train. We can't just put you in the ring. You're going to get physically hurt. You're 52. And I was like, I think I can do it.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
He was like, yeah, it's not going to happen. And Leanne was with me the whole time. She's like, you're not getting in the ring. I'm so happy this isn't happening. So we do the whole show. And it was great. We did the thing with Otis. We killed a beer, had the belt. Everything was awesome. It was so fun. All of it. Matches were amazing. And I know CM Punk. I know him. I know him.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
And I've seen him earlier. I said, are you doing something tonight? He's like, no. And then at the end, him and Seth Rollins have their thing. And all of a sudden, Grace Wallen's hung out. And they slam Punk. And I'm watching, and I know CM Punk. I'm not doing this as like a... As a fan or like anything, entertainment, sports entertainment, I know CM Punk. And I'm like, well, ****, man.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
This isn't how I saw the story going. That Pat Maggiore thing's gone. The camera crew's gone. Everyone's gone. Only the fat bouncers are left, right? The fat ones. I'm so sorry, sir. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean you. But like, anyway, he's sitting right in front of me. Anyway. And then... Once his name comes out, he starts going, what's up, fat boy? What are you going to do now? I was so confused.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
I was so confused. And then the one bouncer goes, jump over, man. Fight him. What? I was like, what? I was like, huh? I was like, I don't think that's how this works. I think I'm going to run this by triple H. Yeah. I'm like, no, don't fight him. Get over. So I climb over.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
The dude who grew up in St. Paul. And he's like, get over, jump over. And I was like, wait, hold on. So I jump over. And then the look in his eyes threw me off because I was like. I don't know you, and I don't know why this is happening, but I do know CM Punk, and you know that the only person's name I dropped backstage was CM Punk. Is CM Punk here? Where's CM Punk? Is Cody Rhodes here?
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Hey, guys, the two guys who are in WWE is Cody Rhodes and CM Punk. Does anyone know those guys? And I watched people's air get walked by. I swear to God, Seth Rollins really doesn't like me. He walked by me twice and mad dog. Sam, no KK. I'm telling for real. Seth Rollins does not like me, and he hates Tom. Is that the name? Good.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Anyway, we walked into Seth Rollins' dressing room while he was getting ready. Good. And we took a piss in his s**t. And he was like, the f**k? Anyway, so, I'm doing way too much. I'm so sorry. Anyway, so they take me over and I just pull my belt off to defend myself. I don't know what's going to happen. You're in over your head. Yeah. And then all of a sudden CM Punk's like, get in the ring.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
And I'm like, huh? And by the way, I had heard Cody Rhodes say to me, yeah, man, like we talk to each other sometimes. And I was like, and CM goes, get in the ring. So I get in the ring. He's like, can you show Sam him? And I was like, I think so. And so he just put his throat in my hand and I see him go one, two. Brother, I will just say.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Every man deserves to lose his virginity to the woman he loves. And it chokeslam a person from a different country. That's all I'll say. That is beautiful. That really is beautiful.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
I think Tom's trying to ruin you. About live your life. We're all going to die. What do you want to die? Jabbing yourself once a week? Or do you want to die living your life? Let me tell you something, man. I got to give you a shout out. Do you remember that video of that guy crying when he talked to the press and wrestlers and was like, you guys give your body?
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Man, I don't like that that gets mocked as much as it does. It's still real to me. It's still real to me. I am literally sitting there watching tonight going like, I mean, Chad Gable split his head open. Yeah. Tommy looked at me and he goes, buddy, he's bleeding. And I'm like, yeah, he goes, no, he's bleeding. He kicked his head. He's bleeding. And then they brought him a towel in the ring.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
And Tom's like, dude, he's hurt. He's actually hurt. That is how real it is. It is like when you kick him in the throat. I don't know. I'm selling ice cream to Eskimos. Is that the... That's right. If you're watching this already, you already know how great... No, but people like to hear it.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Burt, I appreciate you. Bad Thoughts, Tom's series is streaming right now on Netflix. And if you like, if you like special wrestling, you're going to love Bad Thoughts. Dude, Bad Thoughts is so... I'm just telling you, if you're... I don't know the right way to say this, but like, if you're... If you're a cynic, and you like negative s***, then don't come here.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
But if you like to disappear for a little bit, If you just want to chant, just a, like, if you want to get into something and lose yourself. If you like roller coasters, you're going to love wrestling. It's so fun. We had such a great time tonight. And my buddy, Tom Segura, who is a penny-pinching millionaire. He has foods mixed up. Right. Cheap. He had a great time tonight.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
And he will say the same things when we do a podcast with number one designer in the world, James Purse, next week. Yes. He'll say the same thing. He had a blast. He had a blast. It was so fun to share with them.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
I hate that my daughter's birthday is June 7th. That's so badly. I want to watch that match in LA.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Bring her. And it's on Rusev day of all days. Bring her. We're going to surprise her for her 21st birthday. I'm pretty sure she doesn't watch this podcast, so I can say that.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
We appreciate you so much. I said that they go, do you know Sam Roberts? Sam, you know, for a fact, I was your first fan.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Before you were a day one. I'm a day one ride or die.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
Thank you, guys. Thank you. I love you guys. See you later.
Raw Recap with Sam Roberts and Megan Morant
CM Punk gets the last laugh on Seth Rollins: Raw Recap
100%.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And the whole fucking crowd, and we were like just a bunch of white kids. We had no chance. We had no chance. I've got spirit. Yes, I do. I've got spirit. How about you? And they'd be like, suck our dicks. But that energy, that high school black inner city energy with some HBCU cheerleaders. You ever seen the HBCU cheerleaders? Yes, I have. They're my fucking favorite.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Versus a Serbian, just fucking no deodorant. Just... God, man, I miss Serbia.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, did I just watch him drop weight today? Oh, you might have. Where they shaved his head to drop weight?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You let her do it? She's a girl, so I thought, she's talking shit. Eddie Bravo's got her private jujitsu lessons. Oh, no. So she's been taking jujitsu in her fucking gym. And she's dyslexic, so she can never tell you the right move she's about to do. And we're on vacation. And she goes, it's going to be easy. You have to slow down there, big guy. I'll choke you out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was like, oh, you're going to choke me out? She goes, it's easier to choke out big guys. And I went, really? She goes, I find it easier. And I was like, OK. I was like, try to choke me out. Joe, this little needle arm went around my neck. And I swear to God, what is she, like 15 at a time? I just went, ugh. I tapped. She's like, yeah, that's what I thought. I was like, my daughter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She said, dude, disrespect. She did. She, she met Eddie Bravo. She met Eddie Bravo at our house one night and you know, Eddie, me, Sam Tripoli, Eddie and I are lit. Right. And we're in the kitchen. We just done like a podcast and Isla comes in. She's like, who's this guy? And I go, this is Eddie Bravo. She goes, okay. I was like, he teaches jujitsu. She goes, I want to learn jujitsu.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And Eddie goes, really? And she goes, yeah, a little bit of that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And Eddie goes, that's not jiu-jitsu. She goes, whatever it is, I want to learn it. So he goes, all right, I'll set you up. And he got her this lady that came over to the house like three times a week. Oh, wow, that's amazing. Got mats in the back, and Isla loved it. Isla loved it. Except she turned the Nest Cam around so we couldn't watch her jiu-jitsu lessons.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She was like, I don't want you to watch what I do. I just want to learn it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She could have put me to sleep. I bet she could have. I've been fucking humiliating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's amazing how many dudes don't know what they're doing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, that's terrifying. It's terrifying. It's terrifying because you get that moment where you're like,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, where is it? Like right in the center of your back over the right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
When you say stretching, because after I did so much working out, I had a masseuse come in and kind of test my flexibility because I had some problems in my forearm. And my shoulder can't go, like I can't get it past this. And like this one goes way back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I think it's no recovery and no stretching. I do no stretching.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Especially when you watch. Have you ever seen the dudes snap a fucking? Oh, yeah, I have seen that. Yeah. That's all I was thinking about.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You know Cody Rhodes? No. Cody Rhodes is the WWE champion. He's Dusty Rhodes' son. Oh, okay. Yeah. I fucking tell him I'm doing the bench press competition. And he goes, oh, I tore my pec at 315. And I was like, that's the fucking bet. And he was like, oh, you don't even see it coming. Look at his pec. Oh, Jesus Christ. He goes, it felt like Velcro. You just started.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And talking in your authentic voice and not, hey, welcome back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And they all drank six packs after the show. Everyone was snorting Coke.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
How much better do you think anabolic steroids are than testosterone?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
When I was in college, you could buy GHB at GNC. That's crazy. Yeah, because you would take a little capful before you went to sleep and it would burn fat while you slept.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I remember taking it in college. You took it? Well, to party. First time I ever took it was on a rock in Greece in the middle of the ocean. A rock in the middle of the ocean. You're the problem. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Well, it was fun as shit. What's it do for you? Guy's like, hey, Mike, want a little liquid ecstasy? And I was like, sure. Liquid ecstasy? That's what he called it. And I found out later it was GHB. But he had like a little dropper, a capful. We all took a sip and... Thank you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And that's not paid by the station. That's paid by him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I was drunk and hot. Two things you're not supposed to be on a motorcycle. No helmet in flip flops.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I can't believe that radio still has those rules. Hardcore rules. And the rules are slippery. You can say dickhead. You can't say cunt. But you can't say suck my dick.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It even gets trickier. Like, there was a video I was cutting to promote my tour or whatever, and it's me on a boat. Or the special. It's me on a boat, and there's this page I'm really obsessed with. It's fat N-word season. Joe is so addictive. And it's all AI. And I think they're promoting a crypto coin. Of course. And I was like, and I didn't like the edit. So I go, hey, put Fat Edward Summer.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Play that song. And it's fucking so much funnier, Joe. It's so much funnier with me shirtless on a boat. But these guys are great. But my wife saw it. She was like, that's offensive. I was like, no. She's right. Yeah, and then I sent it to Tommy. I go, is this racist? And he was like, sent it to the wrong guy. All Tom sends me is videos of fat black chicks on rope swings.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Our whole thread is just any time a chick takes an L off a cliff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
can't watch those i was telling uh i was telling someone uh my daughter my niece had my phone and she's like three and you know you forget what your algorithm looks like and she it was and it was fat emmer summer song came on and she's like uncle bert and then the next video was a chick pissing on the pastels and i was like oh maybe you shouldn't use my phone to relax with
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that or if you get me a chick with no bra doing survival techniques in the woods. Oh, yeah. Fucking I'm in. That's a sell. I've watched so many of those. Just rock hard nipples. I know those are available.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There's definitely hot chick golfers I ran into Paige Spearnak in at the Super Bowl and And I was like, I had to be real because I'm a golfer. I was like, I follow you for your swing. You have a great swing. Right. But then you know what's crazy about Paige? She can't snap her fingers or whistle. How'd you find that out?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Because we were playing a game like Weird Things About Us, and she was like, I can't snap my fingers. And I watched her, and she went like this. She was like... And she goes, I can't whistle. And she starts going.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And you could also not whistle and snap. You don't have to snap.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, she's super hot. But she does have a great swing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
If she's not wearing a bra, it's so good. Look at that. Just watch one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Roses get thrown at your feet. She was walking down Radio Row at Super Bowl with Cam Hayward, and both of us are like, just stop talking.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's always good seeing you, man. I always say, like, you give the best hugs. Like the UFC the other night when I saw you. Yeah. And you came up, you said, wrap it up. I love it. I'm a hug guy, too. Yeah. I think it shows your emotion.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Think about all our friends, all our female comedians that have stalkers. I mean, like, it's so, you work your ass off as a comic, you happen to be pretty, you start killing it, and then all the fucking psychos come out of the woodwork.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I always had that brain that, you know, I'd see something, like a new addiction come up, like cutting, and I'd go, I wonder what that does. Like, I was always looking for something like that, you know? Yeah. Like, I could never do eating disorder. That was too tough for me. But, hey, how about when we were at dinner with that guy, and I said to him, I ran marathons, and he went, you do?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That was funny. And he goes, I wasn't trying to be rude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's hard to pull that trigger, too, because like with kids and a family and a house. Yep, yep, yep. And you go, okay, it's not great money, but it's good money. And the road was not great money. And I remember you saying, you need a Netflix special. I remember you saying that to me. On that motorcycle, I'm sitting. I had headsets in. I was listening to The Doors, Magic Caravan, Spanish Caravan.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's Taylor. Taylor Sheridan. He was awesome, dude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Well, I didn't want to blow his spot up. Yeah. Dude, let me tell you something. I'm going to give props to Taylor Sheridan. I haven't said this to anyone. I try to keep those moments that you have with those guys private. So I was a little bit of a party snitch for a while. But he's a great American storyteller.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
When he says, when he tells you anything about his life or what he's doing or breaking, he doesn't even call it breaking a horse. He calls it a different term. But I'm sitting there going like, this is, I mean, and this is going to be slanderous a little bit, you know, considering difference of time of where they were, but like, it's like having dinner with Ernest Hemingway.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's created some of the greatest content out there, but Yellowstone? You can't compare him to Ernest Hemingway because Ernest Hemingway is dead and a legend.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, me and you. I think it's our friend. I don't know who it is, though. I forget.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The one that just came out? The one that just came out. Okay, Nosferatu.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I gotta watch this dude. He was great in in The what was the movie with where they kidnapped the kid Justin Timberlake was in it raw dog not raw dog
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's awesome. He's a beast. 311 to Zuma or whatever? I didn't see that one. Yuma. Oh, my God. He is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
310 to Yuma. I didn't see that. He was great. In the Justin Timberlake movie, it was called Top Dog or something. Alpha Dog. Alpha Dog. And he was just awesome, and he had a very small role. He played the guy's older brother. And it was just like, he just owns the screen.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was flying. I was high. There were oxen on either side of me. The sun was setting. And you're like, dude, this is who you are. Fuck that travel channel bullshit. Get away from it. You need to focus on stand up and your podcast. And I was like, yeah. And you're like, you're the fucking machine. If you don't talk about this on stage, then you're doing yourself a disservice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think Jonah Ray is probably the best comic actor out there. What has he been in? Jonah Ray. Everything. When he was in War Dogs and he goes to buy drugs from the black guys. I didn't see that either.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, man, I'm telling you. I'm just starting now to just download stuff and get off Instagram. And if I'm going to bed, just turn on a documentary and start watching it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Okay, that's why you confused me. Sorry, Jonah Ray. No, Jonah Hill's awesome. Jonah Hill's fucking amazing. He's great. Jonah Hill is amazing. He was in, in War Dogs, he goes up and buys black money, weed from the black guys, and he's like, how much? He goes, 120 bucks. And he gives them the 120 bucks, and then he's starting to keep talking to himself, and he's like,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's like, hey, he's got a voice. What are we doing here? Hi, guys. And they're like, get the fuck out. He's like, oh, okay, okay. And he goes to the back of his trunk and pulls out a machine gun and goes, can you listen to me now? He's just awesome, dude. Awesome, man. I fucking love that guy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And all the ones that were up for Oscars, I saw none of those.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember those times. I remember people saying, because I knew you as Joe the stand-up. And I remember people saying, he does comedy? And I was like, no, that's what he does. Like, he's not an actor. He's not a host.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Sparring was horrible. I've had, I think, eight concussions, and I'm just a kid. I didn't even spar. I'm just talking, like, basketball camp one time, football. I play in football for the Hurt Bird shit. I got knocked unconscious. Like, I've probably had eight concussions, I'm guessing, you know?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I just talked to you the other day when you were skiing, and I thought you didn't ski because of your knees.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, and once you get hurt, once you break, we did a concrete sled competition in Calgary or in Edmonton. Concrete sled? Concrete sled. It's an engineering team, and they have to figure out a way to build a concrete sled that makes it down a mountain with all the team members on it and stops within the right area. Oh, my God. And, dude, people get fucked up. I mean, fucked up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
A concrete sled must be so heavy. You can find a picture of it. Type in University of Edmonton, concrete sled. I think that's what it's called. And right before...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Yeah. And, dude, that's the coldest I've ever been. My fingers. See those concrete sleds? There's one where the guys get fucked up so bad. I don't want to see it. It's so stupid. But the guy, the team that went right before me, they flipped. Flipped, ragdolled, yard sailed everywhere. If these people tried bow hunting, they would quit this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, a guy before me broke his femur. Ow! And I remember the kid, little stoner with the walkie that tells us, all right, you guys are next. He goes, what's that? Broken femur. And he looks at me and goes, broken femur is a game changer. And I was like, I got to go next. Like, what the fuck? Like, that was terrifying. But yeah, I think about that sometimes. Just having my elbow surgery.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I gained so much weight from just having one arm because I couldn't do it. I couldn't get on the treadmill. I couldn't do anything. Then I go, any injury is like, I don't want any injury.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, hold on. Is this... Because I listened to a version of your voice when you were younger, and it sounds totally different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
This is how you tell if you have a deviated septum. Put a mirror underneath or take your phone and do a video and then breathe through your nose. And if it closes, like mine shuts. Yeah. And they showed that to me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, you know what happens to me when I sleep. A fucking goozle swells up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So if I put those nose strips on, because I can breathe through my nose. You should get your nose operated on. No fucking way. Yeah. Dude, I have a hernia I'm not going to get done. It's not that big a deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's like a fin. Oh, it's bad. If I do a sit-up, I'll show you for real, and you'll see it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Probably 12 years ago. Oh, my God, man. I was doing a Tough Mudder. Oh, God. And I had to pull myself up one of those half pipes. And so I ran and I grabbed it and I pulled and I pulled and I felt a tear. And I was like, whoa. This is just, and I was like, God, man, that fucking hurt. What happened? And I was like, I'm fine.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then like two, I want to say like two weeks later, I'm laying in bed with my wife and I kind of lean up and I see it and I go, Oh fuck, what's this? And then, and then a bunch of dads get it. Like some dudes get it when they just gain a lot of weight. That's another way to get it. But like, I've never been that fat, but, uh, I think Tommy might have had one. Eddie Bravo had two.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
My problem is I'd get it fixed, but then I'm afraid of the aftermath of the surgery of 13 weeks of recovery of me not working out. I'm going to go fucking haywire. You don't have to go haywire.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's crazy watching you operate in the UFC and seeing that mechanism and to think when you started that, like how far that path with the UFC has been for you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I know, but walking in through the other day and I was like, oh, this has been Joe's life for fucking 26 years.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think it's that, you know, you were talking to me about statins for a while and you were saying that, I don't know, you were saying or whatever I read was that these companies are getting, these doctors are getting paid out to get people on statins. The companies are saying, you know, get people on statins, we'll pay you out, you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's what happened to me. I got pretty much addicted to them because I fell off that waterfall.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, they get you. They get everybody. I can tell you the moment it happened was we had to go to dinner with my wife's friends, and I didn't want to go, and we weren't drinking. And I remember thinking, I wonder if I double up on my pain pills. That'll get me through tonight. And I did, and man, it was an enjoyable fucking night, and I smoked a little weed, and I was fucking perfect.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The next morning I woke up, and Leanne found out. We were going camping that weekend, and I reached over to get my pills, because the first thing I did in bed, grab a pill, pop a pill, lay there for a while. I went over, my pills were gone, and Leanne was at the foot of the bed. She goes, you're done, big boy. And I was like, I go, hold on. This is like negotiating, like junkie negotiating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I go, hold on, baby. We're going camping. We're going to be sleeping on the hard ground. She goes, nope. She goes, get as much weed as you want. Drink as much as you want. Get through the pain that way. These things are fucking poison. They're scary. They're scary because you don't even realize what you look like to other people. We went to Hawaii with the family one time, and we went to the—
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
luau i wasn't i wasn't drinking in hawaii that trip for whatever reason and i but i was bummed at the luau because i was like everyone's getting like you know these mai tais and i'm drinking water and i was and i looked and this mom was clearly on oxys and you watched her not out at the table and there's man when you see something like that and you're not drinking you're like thank god i'm not fucking drinking i remember watching her not out and her whole family sees it and you're like and she's like
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I bet it's – what do you think is more, oxys or Xanax? Xanax is like – Xanax is totally plausible. Take a Xanax. You're going to be fine. My cardiologist. Dr. Gadan, shout out to Dr. Gadan. He's a big fan of yours. But he told me, he said, I said something about Xanax. And he goes, hey, man, I'm your doctor. Don't ever fucking take those things. I was like, really?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He goes, this is the leading cause of dementia. Do not take fucking Xanax.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So he told me, he said, he was like, by the way, I apologize, Dr. Gadan, I give you a shout out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, he said, he said, your brain, it turns your brain to mush.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, they won't admit you to rehab if you're on benzos.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like we took a friend to rehab one time, and one question they asked, have you taken a benzo in the last 24 hours? And he was like, yeah. And they're like, nope, can't take you. They don't want to deal with it. It is so dangerous to get off benzos.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's crazy how clean life is when you're not partying.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like, you haven't drank in two weeks. It's, like, amazing how the sky looks different, the trees look different. Well, you have more energy. So much. The gym is night and day different. Oh, yeah. Like, I work out every day regardless. Ran five miles today. Drank last night on the plane. Five miles today. And now I feel clean, but then I go, if I don't drink tonight, which I doubt I probably will.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know what you're talking about. Who are we lying to, Joe? All right. But if I but like the next day I feel like a million bucks you get me in the gym and I want to be on the treadmill and I'm gonna get excited for fucking those those sissy squats you do yeah, I love those bitches I got the bat the board.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah, get a fucking lamp board squats really poor Scott get a 45 fucking weight mom Yeah, do 15 of those bitches are great and you feel it You're like that last one you want to my favorite squat to do is what's the one where you you you lean back and you squat when you're tilted back and
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like a landmine squat or something where you have the pole. Oh, okay, yeah, landmine. And you get deep into that bitch. Oh, yeah, those are great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I'm always impressed when a man can program his own workout. Really? Yeah, because I can't. You don't do your own workouts? No, I have a guy program for me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You must like that. I love getting on the treadmill by myself and just fucking going.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I think that's impressive. There's so much shit to do. The game changer for me in working out, and I think that... I never understood... Like guys like Cam or David Goggins, and then they push themselves so hard. And when we did that bench press competition, I realized most of the time when everyone works, the regular person works out, they just want to get through it and be done with it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They're like, I know, I cheated a little bit, but fuck it, that was 12. But when you're training for something, and this must be like this with mixed martial artists and with all those motherfuckers, You're training your body for an actual event to protect yourself from other men. And when I had a goal in mind, I was like, oh, this is different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I'm doing everything he's telling me to do, and I'm doing it the right way, and I'm doing it to failure because I'm training. If I know that if I do that, then when I get to the day where I do the bench, I can then complete the mission I'm set out to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
We need to work out and get ready for that wolf. Right. You'd work out so hard for that fucking wolf. Yeah, I'd be like, fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
This is what he told me. Did they release them as a pack?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know. Oh, I'm in Vegas. Are you really? I have two shows in Vegas this weekend. Oh, nice. At Resorts World Theater. Nice. Oh, I should say, my special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Right now. I say Lucky because I am the luckiest fucking guy in the world. I really am. When you think about, like... Do you think about like finding the friends I did later in life, you know? Like at like 37 or 38 when I started meeting all you guys and hanging out with you guys. And then, you know, getting into comedy at the time I did. Like we got into comedy when no one, it wasn't a job.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then you've got cattle. You can't tell wolves what to kill either.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They're like 10 times worse than coyotes. You remember coyotes? They're giant coyotes. You ever seen coyotes jump fences? Oh, yeah. And you're like, there's no protecting my chickens from fucking coyotes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
All my neighbors have red lights on their fences. That's the only thing that stops coyotes, I say.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I have no fucking idea. But they all have like, it looks like a red bicycle light on every panel of their fence.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember, you know, it's funny, the little things you remember. I remember you talking about the coyotes honeydicking your dog one time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I always think that's the funniest phrase, honeydicking.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It was like, it was weird. It was like joining the fucking circus. It was. And I only got into comedy because I got discovered by Rolling Stone magazine as the number one party animal in the country. I mean, what are the fucking odds of my life tracking out? So that's why I named it Lucky.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
What state do you think has the most predators? Like, Australia has the most predators in the world. In the country? In our country, yeah. I would say Alaska, for sure. Florida.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Do you see those kids that go in? You see those kids that dive in and grab them?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, look at that. Look at that. Yeah. Apex Predator Florida is jacked. No one even comes close to Florida.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Good God. Interesting. I remember I said the other day on Instagram I had my hose all wrapped up. And I was like, I don't know if this is because I'm from Florida, but I never put my hand into a hose bucket without kicking it a couple times.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Coral snakes are the ones that look like- Red and black. They're beautiful. Black and yellow kill a fellow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Red, white, and blue. I don't know. America. America. He's cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Red touches yellow, kill a fellow. Red touches black, venom lack.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, it's a... Oh, yeah, that's what it looked like. No, it's a king snake. A scarlet king snake is harmless. Coral snakes are deadly. Okay, so... And so we had both in Florida, I think. So you never got near either of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Red touches black, step back. What? Yellow, black and yellow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I would say, I've said this before, but I would say. You're like, I never had a brother growing up. And you've always been pretty honest with me. The way a big brother would be. And you've always come from a place of love. I remember the whole reason my whole... I was doing nothing and fucking nothing. I'm sitting in the backstage of the store with you. And you look at me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There's someone digging blood diamonds in Sierra Leone right now smoking brown brown, and he's 11.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I don't understand. I mean, I understand wanting to have a snake, but poisonous snakes, I can't wrap my head around. No. No. You can never touch it. You can never play with it. Fuck all snakes. How about that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You definitely look like you would have gone through a lizard phase, though. No. Well, listen. Listen.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That must have been so fun. It was fun, but, you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Do you have a release? I don't remember. I think it was a compound bow. Oh, okay. I think so.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's the only bows I've ever shot. It was like a recurve? Yeah, a recurve. I shot a recurve bow. We did like archery lessons in Italy. And so we were at different – you know how like those hills are like almost like steps? And so they'd have – but it was weird because the recurve bow was such that you had to hold it kind of like at an angle. At an angle, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So that – The arrow stays on the shelf. Yeah, and during the pandemic I got – the girls were both recurve bows and we would shoot in the backyard all the time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I haven't shot my, I only shoot my compound bow now, but I haven't shot my recurve bow with the little wristlet thing Kim gave me. I like to do that because I use always just my fingers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
But what's the ultimate pound to jump a recurve bow? What's the highest it can go?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Just blowing through everything. That's the craziest part of getting fitted for a bow. Cause I was always like, I was always come here. I was like, Joe, let me shoot your bow. And you're like, it's not that easy. Cause it's set up for a person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Okay, so it's 90. So Cam goes, I go, is that one tough to pull back? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, can I try? And he was like, yeah. Okay. So he pulls it and brings it over. You know, all the bow guys are there. And I pull it back. And Kim goes, hold on, hold on. Hang on. Takes the bow off. And he puts it and he measures it. And he's like, there's no way he did that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And he measured the test. He goes, God damn it. He goes, all right, let's move on to 69.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's not sustainable, and there's no reason to do it because as I did it, I gained weight. Like, I gained weight. I gained 10 pounds. Yeah, like, this is going to sound so silly, and you know me so well that you're going to laugh when I say this, but, like, my jackets weren't fitting. No, I'm sure. You got thick for a while.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
My shoulders and my chest and my biceps and my triceps, everything in the jacket just wouldn't fit. A year ago when you were at the club, I was calling you Jack Burt.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I was pretty skinny in the special. Not skinny, but I was in good shape in the special. Tanned, really tanned. Special outfit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, that early generation of guys were so charismatic. Oh, yeah. I mean, when you look like Frank, what's his name? Shamrock. Frank Shamrock. Oh, yeah. Hoist Gracie. Oh, yeah. Tank Abbott. Ken Shamrock. Ken Shamrock. Dude, that was like the who's.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh yeah. Yeah. You know, we were, I was, where were we just at the other day? I went to UFC with my wife and she was, and I was saying to her, she was like, so.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but I bought the tickets, so we sat up in the nosebleeds.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I know, but I'm never going to ask you for something. We know. I get angry when people ask you for shit because you're so generous with everyone that I feel bad. You called and you said, do you want tickets? And I was like. First of all, you're like, are you going to UFC? And I was like, I'm not going to say, I don't want to sound like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. And I wasn't going to ask Dana for tickets. Come on. And then you're like, oh, let me get you tickets. And then you go, UFC's got better tickets. Dude, that was a fucking fever dream that night. That was fun. It was me and Theo. I don't think I've laughed harder with an individual in my fucking life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It was me, him, and my wife the whole time. They were like, because we went to slap fight together, then we went to UFC together, sat next to Taylor, sat next to Max Crosby, sat next to Mel Gibson, Taylor Sheridan. Look at that. Mario Lopez. What a fucking crew. The guys are like Max and Taylor LeJuan.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Taylor LeJuan's the one who did me the bench press bet with. Him and Buston with the boys. He saw me try to get 300. He was like, you can't get 300.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's like, don't, don't, don't. I was like, let me get a marker. I'll hop out. I've never gotten a marker. I got a marker one time with Tommy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, they've got to do a fucking bank transfer. It takes a long time to get a marker. A bank transfer? Unless you've done it before. In Vegas? Yeah. Dude, it took me an hour and a half to get a fucking marker.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't think you can get a marker unless you've already had that established earlier.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, I hadn't. Me and Tommy were there and Tommy's like, get a marker. So I was like, okay. So I asked for a marker and it took forever. They'd go through my financial guy and then they came in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They called him. They called him. At home? At work. It was like Tommy and I were doing it when we did the Super Bowl like two years ago.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It was daytime. Okay. And so Tommy had already gotten his marker, and it took me forever to get a marker. I got a $50,000 marker. And, dude, I got so nervous. I bet $1,000 lost $300, and I was like, I'm done. Dude, I just remember being poor too well. It's not – gambling's not fun unless it sparkles, unless there's like a – Terror. Unless there's terror. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's not fun when you're like, you know – $20, $50. Exactly. Exactly. I got to bet $50,000, all of that money on something to feel it. But I love the feeling, but the feeling's not worth it to lose the money. The losing the money, holy shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I know the name. I think it's like a Chinese blackjack.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know what's going on. Oh, craps is simple, really honestly. Craps is a very- It's not simple. Yeah, but it's basically roll the dice. Whatever that number is, you just got to roll it again. And then everyone gets a bet on whether you're not going to roll it, whether you are going to roll it. And then they can bet on the other numbers that you might roll before you roll your second number.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then there's two rolls that get you out. And then if you roll those at the beginning, you get money. It's a simple game, technically. Not as simple as blackjack.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, we got on a hot streak on a boat one time. Me and my buddy cowhead and our buddy Pete and we were fucking we were rolling hot and fucking people are loot making a lot of money I'm we're talking I'm on my 20th roll and I'm hitting them and hitting them and hitting them and I grab them one time I go to roll and the dealer guy hits my hands with the fucking stick And I go, what?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And he goes, miss roll. And I go, what? And then I rolled a crapped out of seven. And I was like, fuck that. I go, fuck that. And then the guy goes, all right, I'm out. And he just clocked out and walked away. And I, fuck me and my buddy Pete made him apologize to us.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He just, they try to fuck up your flow. They don't want to, they don't want your flow to fucking. Oh, they don't want you to stay hot. Yeah, you're hot. Let's fuck it up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It would have been bonkers. The fun is the shit you say as you roll the dice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, it means that she didn't roll a seven after her come out roll for that many rolls. She may have rolled a seven, but if you roll a seven on your come out roll, then you get paid.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. It's not confusing. You have to do it once or twice. You have to do it a couple times. You have to lose a little bit of money. I'm not fucking interested. Baccarat's the rough one. I'm so not interested. Dana said, he goes, take out, I think he said $275,000 marker to me and Tommy. He's like, I was going to be in Vegas. I go, he goes, Bert, take out a $275,000 marker.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Come play baccarat with me. I'll double your money. And I was like, I was like, if you just.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Nay, sir. Tom's like, do it. And Leanne wouldn't let me do it. She's like, no fucking way. You're going to lose it? And he's going to be like, oh, I didn't see that coming.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Can I tell you the craziest experience of that whole thing, other than meeting Mel Gibson, which was a dream? He was the sweetest guy. He's a nice guy. He was a nice guy. I told you I met him on the plane. And flying here. And then he walked by me. Like when he left at the plane, he's like, maybe I'll see you this weekend. I was like, hopefully.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then when he walked into UFC, he came over, grabbed my leg. He's like, what's up, big guy? And I was like, ah. And the guys next to me are like, you know Mel Gibson? And I was like, yeah. But the coolest part was the fucking guy, Ari Emanuel. Watching the character from Entourage be himself, because I sat right behind him, and he was just, he's the guy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's much more reasonable than the character. But he's still a character.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Nice guy. He's a nice guy. Him and Peter Berg were right in front of me in the end. I love that dude. Peter Berg's the shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
God, Peter Berg's a great... Dude, and he was a great actor. Do you remember Aspen Extreme?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, what's the movie... What's the TV show Gary Oldman's in right now? Not Black Doves. I don't know. It's an Apple. Joe, this is the best damn show out there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Slow Horses. Have you seen it? No. Joe, Slow Horses is Gary Oldman's best work yet, in my opinion. Really? He is so fucking good, and it is such a great show.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like The English or Slow Horses or Black Doves is there's six episodes, but it's a six episode arc. So it's not just like episodic, like we remember, like old dramas being where the whole thing happened in the hour. Right. And then you never have to watch that again. Brand new one. The whole thing happens in an hour.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There are these episode arcs where it starts off telling a story and you pay out by the last episode, much like Peaky Blinders. Peaky Blinders, they were great standalone episodes, but that episode, it was so addictive.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The streamers have changed the way we're taking in content because you start, if you start Slow Horses Tonight, you'll watch all six and then you'll be like, honey, we're watching all of these tomorrow. Really? It's so fucking good. Gary Oldman's awesome. Gary Oldman.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Are you a Dracula guy? Love Dracula. Who do you like more, Dracula or the werewolf? Werewolves. Werewolves?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
What happened to Benicio Del Toro's werewolf movie? That was a good one. I never saw it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You go, Tommy's doing theaters. And I said, okay. And you need to be doing theaters. I was like, okay. And you're like, you need a Netflix special. You need to get one. I was like... all right, Joe, how am I supposed to do that? And you go, be undeniable. And you just walked away. And I fucking was like, that's the kind of mentorship you look for in a friend. That's who you want to be around.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And we were right. I remember you telling all of us, you guys need a podcast. And I remember saying to Tom, he's out of his mind. Why don't we just do his?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Aren't they playing CCR in that? Yeah. I think it's Bad Moon. Werewolf in London.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No shit. They were going to do a series of all the horror movies, and it started with The Mummy with Tom Cruise. They had one set up for Johnny Depp.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but they were all reimagined. I took a meeting with whatever that studio was, and they always wanted a comedic actor in it. For the one in the mummy, it was Jake. Jake, guy's such a great actor, and I'm fucking flaking on his name. He was in New Girl. Jake. Jake Johnson. Jake Johnson is funny as shit. He is a great actor. And he was the comedic relief in The Mummy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And they were going to do that with each of them. So they had one set up for Johnny Depp. They had them set up for big stars. Everyone was getting their own. Wasn't it Brandon Fraser originally? He was in the original Mummy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He got Me Too'd. Is that what happened? But by a dude. A dude tried to fucking touch him. And he stood up to the guy and was like, hey, man, you're going to fuck yourself. The guy's like, I'll ruin your career. Obviously, my memory is whatever the fuck it is. But he came out and he said, you know, I was blackballed because I fucking called a dude out. Let's find out if that's true.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's what he said? Yeah. Okay. Mickey Rourke said he hadn't worked for 13 years. And Mickey Rourke was the man. Pope of Greenwich Village. Oh, Angel Heart? Angel Heart? Shut the fuck up. Yeah, dude. Mickey Rourke was a beast. Didn't he do the one with the ice cube on the stomach? The blue dream or blue...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
What was that? And it was like the ultimate sex scene. What was it called? Wild Orchid. Wild Orchid. Wild Orchid, I think. Yeah, that was a crazy movie. But I saw an interview with him, and he said he hadn't worked in 13 years. He was down on his money. Oh, I saw that. His motorcycles and his clothes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He dressed himself up one night and took himself out for a bowl of spaghetti, and it's all the money he had. Fucking Sylvester Stallone walked by, and he's like, hey, man, where you been? He's like, just been out. He was like, you want to work in a movie? He was like, yeah. And he goes, that one movie paid six months of my rent and it was his comeback. Yeah. Nicky Rourke's always been a badass.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He was awesome. I bought clothes because I saw what he was wearing on a Sunday. He had on the coolest fucking outfit. And it's so silly, but he had like Adidas track pants. This had to be like 2001. Adidas track pants with white Adidas shoes and a wife beater. And he was putting cases of Heineken in the back of a Cadillac DTS. And I was watching him from across the street.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was like, I'm getting those pants. I'm getting those shoes. Yeah. Puma shoes, Adidas pants, and a fucking wife beater. Dude, I'd dress like that hoping someone would be like, dude, that's a badass outfit. No one ever said it to me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's crazy when you see your heroes get older, you know? Like Harrison Ford to see him now and be like...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, is this Taylor's show? Yeah. No, I haven't seen it. He's great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's the man. You know, they said the rumor is they were going to cast Tom Selleck as Han Solo. Did you hear this? Yeah, and he was a carpenter. And Mark Hamill told me this story.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Did he really? Yeah, yeah. He said they were having... they're having Harrison read with everyone. So, cause he was like, you know, great actor, but he was also a carpenter. And they're like, you just read sides with people as they audition. So we read with Kerry, read with Mark, read with everyone. They were going to cast Tom Selleck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And at the last minute they said, you know, I don't know, man, something about Tom Selleck isn't dangerous. There's something dangerous about Harrison Ford. And there is really working. Yeah. And he's, I mean, I just watched all three Raiders of the Lost Ark the other night. And he is fucking funny.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember watching it in the movie theater and going, ah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Get the fuck out of here with that sword. Boom. God. And he was a hero with a tragic flaw, and that was snakes. That was his weakness. That was his Achilles heel.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
How many franchises? Is he the actor that's had the most franchises behind him?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Can you imagine doing Star Wars and then doing Raiders of the Lost Ark? And you'd be just being like, I guess I don't fuck up. I guess I just hit dingers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Okay, can I ask you something? I was a first grade Burt to a fourth grade Joe Rogan. Did you know that Darth Vader was his dad in the first episode? No. Okay, I didn't either. I was a little kid. My fucking cousins were like, how did you not know that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think if they had a game show called You'd Be Shocked What Burt Doesn't Know, people would make a lot of money. Oh, yeah. I don't know anything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You know the most interesting shit at a dinner party to talk about. Like, I don't know any of that shit. Well, I definitely can do that. I can talk on the surface level about a lot of stuff. Do you like when a person like like Taylor are you you were kind of between three conversations?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Because you were talking to your wife you're talking to David, but like me and Leanne were dead set talking to Taylor and I love I love when a dude holds court like that was a great table when he said the way he sat He's like let me tell you about remember Leanne was like I had four on a kid ahead of cattle and As a kid, and he goes, yeah, I got 14,000. And I was like, Leanne, shut your mouth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Let him talk. He did fucking Yellowstone. Let him talk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, and you know me. Like, you know, sometimes if you tell a story, I get to tell a story, I'll tell you my story after. Yeah. Buddy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I have a weird question. Do you think, because I feel like, because I'm on Instagram a lot. I might be switching to a flip-flop. I'm not watching anything right after you quit drinking No, my wife already bought the flip phone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She was like I do that daughters put parental controls on my Instagram But uh Would you think that like I noticed it seems like a lot of people now are almost living for Instagram like like hey This is me and my three friends and we're sailing around the world and then do you think people were doing that before Instagram? No, I
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, I don't watch any. My shit's all people doing epic shit. Oh, that's good. Yeah, like I followed these two dudes, Climb Everest. I followed them on Instagram, Climb fucking Everest. And I was like, I want to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. No, no, no. Kilimanjaro's achievable. But I go, I want to do epic shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like, I got to a place when I started taking time off in July, and I was like, yo, I want a month. I want to sail to Hawaii. I want to see what it's like to be afraid, you know, in the middle of the ocean.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, nobody. Mount Kilimanjaro is easy. It's a light lift. It's a light lift. People have died. Mount Kilimanjaro is easy. I guarantee you. No, it's like a, it's a long haul hike. I bet people have died. Okay. I bet it's under 10.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
But watch how many people will die going to Everest.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think his name was Mallory right yeah, and Hillary is one got there so he they said They found his body probably five years after, 10 years after, and they said he had a broken leg, a fractured skull, and his pic, and that's how they could figure out it was him, because his initials were in his pic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And they said he always carried a picture of his wife, because he was gonna put the picture of his wife on the top of Mount Everest, and it wasn't in his pocket. So they're like, was he in fact the first person to get there?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then he left it there and then died coming down.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The other thing that I think is wild Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay made a deal that they would reach the summit at the same time. Because it was like, who gets to the summit first? I mean, when you think about it, especially with racism back then, Edmund Hillary was a Kiwi. He must have been like, hey, brown guy, just carry the bags.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I'm going to get up there and you come up, get a picture of me, and then we'll do one together and then we'll head down. But they made a deal to go up together because they needed him that much.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Those Sherpas will get locked on a ledge with a bunch of white people. The white people have to have helicopters come out and get them. A helicopter, I think, can only get to like twenty three hundred feet. Twenty three thousand feet is like the safe zone. They'll come and get the white people out. And then the Sherpas are like, oh, we're going to walk down. We're good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They'll hang out for like seven days up there, and then I just heard a documentary about it, or a podcast. But those guys are so fucking good at it. Also, they're so adapted to that climate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Phil Hendry, I think, had a show. He had a different show.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I remember sitting next to my dad's bed. My dad's in his underwear, and he's got his alarm clock, and we're listening to it. My dad's just like this, and my dad goes, buddy, he's both of them. I was like, what? He goes, this is all him. And you're just like, whoa. I mean, it was so ahead of its time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Surround yourself with great white sharks, and people think you're a great white shark.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The only thing he has to do is decide if it's consensual.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Tommy shits on a place so aggressively and they love it. Yeah. Like he did Dublin one year. I like saying we, we both did it and he goes, is it fun? I said, I had the best time of my life. He goes up and it's the day the King gets coordinated, coordinated. And he goes out first words. He's like, fuck your King. And the play starts going, ole, ole, ole, ole.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Tommy didn't know if they were going to stop singing. We did a show in Hawaii, and he goes, at Pearl Harbor, and they're like, all right, Tommy opens the show. He goes, they're like, first rule, don't make fun of the Hawaiians. Second rule, do not bring up Pearl Harbor. First and second joke. First joke, man, they say Island Life's slow. I didn't know they were talking about your metabolism.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Man, you guys are fat as fuck. I was taking a walk. I don't want to be as fat as you guys. I got lost on the base. Luckily, there are a couple Japanese guys that are pretty familiar with how this base operates. Me and Russell Peters are crying laughing. The Admiral's losing his mind. God damn it. What did I fucking tell him?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. No crime. But there's our, it's like Singapore, there's crazy rules.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's not even that. They said to me in the contract, we signed up to do, I do a tour starting in October, Permission to Party. Permission to Party is the name of the fucking tour. Permission to Party. And they go, what about Dubai? I go, I don't think they're going to give me permission. Yeah. I think they're going to – the first thing was you have to wear a shirt on stage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was like – Yeah, that's a wrap. I go, hey, man. That's crazy. It's kind of my thing. Like, I'm comfortable shirtless. That's how I perform.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Now, by the way, that's the same argument I said as I got kicked out of a Buffalo Wild Wings with my shirt off. And they're like, put your shirt on. I go, the guys on MMA aren't wearing fucking shirts. Yeah, that's different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, if it was part of your act, you could smoke. That's how Ron White smoked cigars on stage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember doing stand-up when you could smoke at the Boston Comedy Club. And, buddy, do you remember the last stop in Houston? Oh, yeah. That place, there were so many cigarettes, you would come out with a cough.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Do you remember the comics that would smoke on stage and then they'd go and do the Tonight Show and they didn't know what to do with their right hand?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He did Smokey and the Bandit, and they offered him points on the movie, and he said, I'll take cash. Whoops. I know. Damn. I saw the sexiest thing in Palm Springs the other day. White Cadillac.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. White Cadillac. 75-year-old woman. Hair done. Little coif. Windows up. White, big Cadillac. She puts a 100-cigarette windows up and lights it in her car. Just windows up. And I went, fucking old school. Wow. I don't know. When was the last time you saw someone smoke a cigarette in a car with their windows up?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She's got them old school pioneer genes. Did you ever hear the story about Johnny Carson almost got killed by the guy in the mob?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, Frank Sinatra had to negotiate his safety. What was it about? Johnny Carson was at a bar drunk and the mobster's girl was there and the mobster was in the back and Johnny Carson hit on the mobster's girl and like smacked her ass or lifted her skirt up. Oh no. And they were like, we're going to kill him. And they went out and he hid.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then he went out and they're like, no, we have a hit on him. He's going to die. And Frank Sinatra had to negotiate it. Someone just told, you know who told it to me? God damn it. Oh, son of a bitch. Not Fletcher. Comedy store comic, white hair, did The Tonight Show 120 times. You know him. Argus? Argus. I think it was Argus told me that story.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's, out of all the scariness in movies, the scariest part of any movie is one of those mob movies where they say to the guy, hey, Johnny wants to talk to you tonight. And the guy's like, tell Johnny I'm calling tomorrow. And he's like, no, he said to get in the car now. And the guy goes, well, I'll take my car. He goes, no, no, you're going to get in the car with us. And you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That guy's going to die. He's going to die. Looks at his friend, takes off his ring.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Gives it to him. And I don't know. I'm such a bitch that if in those moments I'd be like, no, I don't want to go. And just start running. Or like when you see in the war movies, when you see like in, what was the one, 1917? When they tell those two kids they got to run and go tell the front line what to do. Oh, yeah. Is that 1917? I don't know. Like, my grandfather stormed the beaches of Normandy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He was one of those PTSD Levittown guys. Moved to Levittown, and my dad said he just would sit in the garage, drink beers, and listen to Met Games, and just wash his car. My dad said he never heard his dad ever mention the war, and if the war was brought up, his dad would walk out of the room. But he stormed the beaches of Normandy, and...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know if I have the thing in me to get off the boat. I think I'm a bitch. I think I'd be like, I'd lock down. I'd be like, I'm not getting off. When you look at guys like Jocko.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
My dad found his dad's diary from the war. And he photocopied it and sent me the photocopy. My dad has the diary. And it's funny because, you know, my memory is like jaded to how I find things interesting. So sometimes it's not 100% accurate. But in there, there was a memory of like, they took one of these like Q boats, I think, or K boats across the fucking Atlantic over to England.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
barely had time to get off the boat, stayed in England for a second. I want to say they stayed on the boat the whole time and then took that same boat over to, or they probably took different boats, but took a boat over to Normandy. My grandfather's entry is something to the effect of, we're going to this, we're storming this beach today.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't think he knew the levity or the seriousness of what was happening. I think they were like, he just very casually mentioned it. And the only other thing I remember out of reading that diary was that he would He would get water in his helmet. It was so cold, he'd get water in his helmet to shave. And by the time he went to shave, he had to break the, it would freeze over with ice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He had to break it with his razor. But to think that, I mean, just the amount of trauma that those guys went through and no one really cared about it. They were like, just have a fucking shot of scotch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, can I tell you what fucking makes me stop for a second? When we were in Serbia, they have statues of Gabriel Pritsip everywhere. He's the guy that shot Franz Ferdinand, the Archduke. Oh, yeah. They have statues of him everywhere. He's a fucking national hero in Serbia because he technically created Yugoslavia. I mean, people have, they wear shirts of Gabriel Pritzip. They have wallets.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So this guy, movie producer. Who started World War I. He started, he changed the world forever. That one man is responsible for millions of deaths and so much suffering. Isn't that crazy? And they have statues of this dude. Statues everywhere. Dude, some guy, I got obsessed with it because I was like, I can't believe you guys, we consider that a terrorist in our country.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And this one guy gave me a. That's so crazy. They gave me a... Look at that writing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Can you read that? Yeah. Really? I think it's Russian. It's acrylic or whatever it is. Cyrillic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I just met this DJ, very big DJ, DJ Zed. If I played you any of his songs, you've heard every one of them, right? Okay. And we met him at, I was with Santino, we were at a tennis tournament. And I said, wait, where's your accent from? And he goes, oh, I'm Russian. I said, good day. And he goes, I was like, and we started talking in Russian back and forth. How long did it take you to learn that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
As long as I was there. I got pretty good towards the end. How long were you there for? Like... A month and a half, three months. That's it? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Two months maybe. Do you have a hidden skill? No, no. A hidden ability to learn languages? No, I don't. I can speak Spanish. I just told you the same Uber drivers picked me up six times in this town and he doesn't speak English. How'd you learn how to speak Spanish? I just grew up in Florida.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. Anyone that just heard me talk in Russian just knows that I barely, I don't even sound good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. Yeah. I can understand Russian a lot better than I can speak it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I can understand Spanish a lot better than I can speak it. But I was just in Spain a week ago, and apparently my Spanish, it sounds like, me need ice. Me ice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's a complicated country, and I love Serbia. I love Serbia.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
We'll get in the street. It's fascinating. I mean, listen, I understand if you're Serbian and you're listening, you may disagree with what I'm about to say. I'm just going to say it. They fucking hate Albanians.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They make Albanian jokes like crazy, right? So one day we're on the set, and I said to one of the guys, I go, hey, man, like, I'm not like a woke dude. It's a funny joke. But, like, what if there's an Albanian here that, like, heard that and heard their feelings? And he goes, oh, he'd know to be smart enough to keep his fucking mouth shut. And I went, all right, never mind.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The only Albanian they like is Dua Lipa. They love Dua Lipa. I know I'm generalizing, and I know there's Serbians that are like, we don't hate them all, but they all know how to play basketball. They're all tough as fucking shit. Every dude's a fucking man. You don't meet one dude that you don't think is a cage fighter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They had a... Now, mind you, I got to guess the Serbians that I was hanging out with, and one of them was my driver. But, like, they had a chant for their president. Like, when they hit their president, they would chant out the other guy, and it was like... He's Vinici. He's a faggot. He's Vinici. Jesus Christ. It's like such a fucking – I just – I don't know, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There's something really interesting about that freedom that they had there that they just talked openly. And like they'd take a cigarette break and like the girls would sit down and cuddle up next to a dude that they weren't dating. They're just touchy like that. Like they don't have like – there's no like intimacy counselor on set. They were just – I remember watching one of the girls –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Sit and have a cigarette with one of the dudes and they were like just cuddling against the wall and I was like Are they dating and they're like no, they're just friends Look at that shit That's Serbian basketball, baby, bro, that's war that's war
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, buddy. Give them another year. They kind of have.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Luka Doncic and Jokic. Dude, everyone plays basketball. The girls play basketball there. Jesus Christ. No one jogs. I was the only one jogging every morning. Every morning I jogged by myself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They were doing what we're doing now way before the curve.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Those men are beasts. I'd go to the mall. It was like the nicest place to go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wouldn't it be great to watch a Serbian team play with one of those inner city teams?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's Texas fucking high school football. Right, right, right. We used to play a black team growing up. It was like Booker T. Washington. And they would come in, we'd play basketball, and the visiting stands would be packed. I can't remember the exact name of the team, but they'd be packed. And their thing was, boom, we thump. Boom, boom, we thump.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Whereas like there's certain things like at a subject when you first start talking about it, you're like, what the fuck is going on?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I have a bunch of bits I call orphans. I have a file of orphans. They're all bits that just never made it onto a special. Like someone comes up to me, like every now and then one of my friends will come up to me like, do you do that fucking, is that on anything? I was like, that one's just an orphan. It's just floating around. It doesn't fit with anything and it's all so fucked up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. Bottom of the, it's the best show. The Bottom of the Barrel, every now and then I'll pull something out and I'm like, actually, I have a fucking ancient bit on this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, sometimes that's good. That would be funny if they did it. They acted it out. It's pretty fun. Yeah, because there's certain bits, like, they just leave your mind.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I didn't mind doing it. It's just I didn't like it as much, and I didn't like the time commitment. I mean, I don't sound like I'm complaining. Oh, he's acting so hard. But it's like you're working these long-ass days. And as a person who likes to do a lot of different things, that becomes a problem. And you were on a multicam. Exactly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Way harder. Single cams are crazy. I had friends that are on single cams. I was like, oh, my God, how are you doing this? They were working six days a week and they would work in like 12, 15 hours a day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, this is so crazy. Like, I like to do a bunch of stuff, man. I like to do jujitsu. I like to play pool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, I'm still injured. Yeah. I'm still dealing with some small, it's a lot better now, lower back issue and a little bit of a knee issue, but that's pretty good too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to hedge your time. You have to figure out what do you want to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So, like, I have to, like, that's why I don't fuck with golf. That's why I don't fuck with video games.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
My problem is if I put that 20 minutes in, I'll be up until 5 in the morning. I'll go, I don't need sleep. I just won't work out tomorrow. I'll just show up half in the bag. I'll eat a lot of creatine so my brain works. Do you know how to do that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, there was some sort of study where they showed that it completely diminishes the effects of sleep deprivation. I think it's 20 grams. I think 20 grams of creatine, something crazy like that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, I haven't. I heard about it. You were telling me it really ramped up your REM sleep. Fucking awesome.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. Were you drinking a lot? Not a lot. Not like Burt levels. But like last time I was sober, I was with him. We were all, it was like, it was a great table. It was like Taylor Sheridan, his wife, my wife was there, Bert and his wife, David Goggins and his wife.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then a bunch of my professional pool player friends.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, it was fucking phenomenal. We had so much fun. We all had dinner together. after the UFC fight, and Burt is just throwing back martinis. And I was like, oh, I definitely made the right choice. I definitely made the right choice. I'm watching him. He's slowly turning into a human grape in front of my eyes. He's... It was fucking red in his face. He was hilarious. He was. He was.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Bro, he found out we were leaving, so he ordered two more to down on the way out the door. He just downed two martinis. Oh, I have two more. Like, just down these martinis on the way out the door. I'm like, this is fucking preposterous. It's preposterous. And then I talked to him, and he goes, I got all my blood work done. Perfect. Perfect. Everything's perfect.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's got to be. Dirty lab coat with a fucking mouse in his pocket.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's bizarre. Well, it's obvious. It's got to be an adaptive thing, right? Like running is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
If you run never, you can't run a marathon. Right. But if you run a lot, you can run a marathon. Sure. You get used to it. Your body gets accustomed to putting in the miles five before work every day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Look at him. He's still smiling. Oh, yeah. Nothing wrong.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I bet if he did his left arm, it would fall off. I bet he literally wouldn't be able to. He's been holding up drinks so long. Also, like, toasting crowds for so long. Look at this. Yeah. He beat everybody. He should hold out and just humiliate them after he's done. Just keep going. Oh, he held it up after he was done. That big guy looks like he's ready to... Ready to break. He gave up. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Look at this. Yeah. Just insane. He's got incredible genetics. If you wanted to be an athlete, he'd be an incredible athlete.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, he's just trapped in booze. But it's also made him very rich, so I don't know what to say. Working out. I love him. I don't want him to change, but I do. I mean, I want him to be healthy. But when we first started doing Sober October, it was essentially just because we were worried Burt was going to die.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm obsessed with that squeeze machine. Yeah. You know that thing? Oh, yeah, that measures your grip? Yeah. I got 161, and I want to get 190. Oh, so you're training for it. Yeah. Do you have one here?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think we do. Yeah, we do out there. Yeah, out in the hallway. But we do at the club. And so when the club, when I first did it, I think I got 147. I was like, well, this is bullshit. And then I got up to 161 without these things. Just from working out a lot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Jamar has one. Jamar Neighbors, I think he got 167. Damn. Jamar's strong. That's crazy. You've seen him with his shirt off, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, jacked. But we've had some big dudes come in there and do it. I don't know who's got the record on that thing. The record's got to be... The UFC had a bunch of guys do it. I forget who had the highest. But I think Alex Pereira was like 180.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Bo Nickel. He's a lefty, too. So they're doing their opposite hand?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Stipe's huge. What's he got? He's a left-hander, too. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, Jesus Christ. Second attempt. 155. All right, so great. I'm stronger than all those bitches.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But I'm trying to get to 190. 190 is crazy. I think this is like 115 or something like that. I forget what it is. Some of those arm wrestling guys? Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I was watching this one guy who's a climber. Who's a professional climber. Oh, when they do this. Yeah, he has this basement gym. I might have saved the video, but I think if you find it on YouTube, it's like, I've never seen strength like this. This guy has calves growing off of his forearm bone. It's like a calf.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
With, like, a centimeter of hold. Like, it's the tiniest little lip that his finger's resting on, and he's pulling his whole body up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, but look at that. That's crazy. It's not this guy. The other guy is, like, super jacked, his forearms are at least. He's not, like, bodybuilder size, but the musculature is crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's the guy. So this guy does a bunch of freaky shit. What is this dude's name? Yeah, look at that one arm thing. See that? The size of the grip? Yeah. Look how fat that grip is. Doing a one arm chin up is crazy. Look at his back, dude. It's crazy. But doing a one arm chin, look at the size of his fucking forearms. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Doing a one-arm chip is crazy, but a one-arm chin-up with a fat grip like that is off-the-charts nuts. His strength must be insane. But you look at him right there, his neck and everything, he doesn't look like that strong of a guy. Right. It's very deceptive because with climbers, you don't need traps. You can't have excess stuff. So everything is very... Look at his forearms. Look at his grips.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The size of his fucking forearms when he's doing that is crazy. See if you can isolate when he was doing that with his forearms. The NBA 82 game grind is done and now the real fun begins. The NBA playoffs are here and it's time for all the high stakes drama, clutch moments and jaw dropping plays. I can't wait.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, I think it might be that guy. Might be. Yeah, I've seen him on YouTube.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. And he's blown away by this guy. It's like mountain climbing, if you think about it, just the amount of reps that you're picking your body weight up and holding, like gymnasts. Who's more jacked than the guys who do the rings? They're super jacked. Look at his forearms. Back up a little second and just freeze it. Freeze it right there. Look at that left fucking forearm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. I do a lot of calisthenics. I still do the 100 push-ups every day and the 100 bodyweight squats, but I do chin-ups, dips, and L pull-ups, you know, like with a close grip with the legs extended.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They're huge. Yeah. You want to be able to – and you know what I do? I do – hang from a bar like this where I swing my toes up and I touch the bar. So it really works your core too. Being able to manipulate your own body weight is crucial.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But it's not time efficient. Yeah. Because they're doing that. Hours. Their muscles are like that because they're doing eight-hour sessions. But you can get a lot done with your body with just dips and chin-ups.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Dips are so easy to do with weight or throw a chain over your neck or put a weight vest on or something like that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's another thing I found. Like, just a 25-pound weight vest where it doesn't feel like anything when you're wearing it. But when you do stuff with it on, like chin-ups and pull-ups, like, holy fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then imagine being Jelly Roll. So Jelly Roll is walking around 200 pounds too heavy before, at least. So it's actually 300 pounds, right, because he wants to lose another 100? Yeah. So imagine just carrying around everywhere you go. You've got a squat rack, like a real bar.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
bar stuffed with plates and you're just carrying that through life yeah that's what they're doing that's great that's why those guys fucking lower bodies are always crazy when they lose oh ralphie may used to have the biggest calves in the world yeah his legs were like carrying trunks oh my god yeah just carrying around that body all day that's nuts
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But you do get weaker when you lose weight. I mean, that's a fact. Yeah, that's always a mass moves mass. It's also like to lose weight, to lose body fat, your body has to think something's wrong. Like it's very difficult to maintain mass. like maintain muscle mass while you're losing fat. It's hard. That's hard. You got to be real careful with everything. Yeah, that's true.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you got to try not to lose too much weight too quick. Cause a lot of people with losing weight, like a lot of people become food addicts and then addicts act like addicts. And you start thinking, I got to lose it all right now. And so you starve yourself and you just work out eight hours a day. And well, you're going to lose all your muscle too. Everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're going to lose everything, and you're probably going to get injured because your body's going to like, hey, you fucking idiot. Yeah. Give you that tendonitis. How about a little back bulge? How about a fucking sore knee? How about plantar fasciitis? Slow the fuck down. Your body tries to figure out a way to slow you down.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it just sucks. You know, you want to get, if you've realized you fucked up, it would be nice if you could just get better quick. Like, oh, I just had a month before summer and I'm 50 pounds overweight. Fuck! Fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You did it pretty well. You figured it out. And then you also have muscle memory now. I think it's hard when you're traveling because, you know, you're just anytime you're traveling, your energy level goes down. Yeah. It's like you got to figure out things to mitigate that energy level going down. And then counterintuitively, the best way to do that is to work out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Which doesn't seem like it makes any sense because you're tired. I don't want to work out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that's important too. Take a lot of vitamins. And then it's hard to be strict with your diet when you're on the road, but the big one is alcohol.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, there's a bunch of good options now that you can bring with you on the road if you get hungry. Keep you from eating bullshit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Have you ever had carnivore snacks? Do you know what that is?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The carnivore snacks ribeye is my go-to. I bring that on the UFC broadcast. I give them to Daniel Cormier and me. We eat them. It's like sliced ribeyes that are just dried, but it's got the fat on it. It's good. Yeah, you don't feel guilty at all. If you're hungry and need a snack, it's just meat and salt. Perfect, perfect snack. And the company's called Carnivore? Yeah, Carnivore Snacks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Snacks with an X. But it's not like... It's not jerky. They describe it as like meat pastry.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I have a whole folder on my phone saved up of food that I really can't eat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, in New York? Yeah. They got one in Vegas now, too. I know. I think they've actually had the Vegas one for a while. It's so good, dude. It's so good. So good. That rigatoni with vodka sauce. It has a little kick. They put a little spice in it. It's good. It's so good. It's tough to beat Italian food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It really is. It's tough to beat it just for pure, ugh, that pleasure of, ugh, just overstuffing yourself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, I don't think she finished her doctorate or her medical school training because I think she got to the position where she realized that most metabolic diseases are being caused by food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, we have the worst health stats in the Western world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because it's all like... Because corporations. Because corporations profit off keeping you fat and sick. So the best way to make money from food is to get you addicted to food that they can sell you. So they sell you a tremendous amount of cheap, shitty food that has a bunch of preservatives and garbage in it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So it's potato chips and all sorts of different snacks and all sorts of different things. And then you have your enriched, air quotes, flour that's got a bunch of shit poured into it. And it's a bunch of complex glutens in the grains. And then you have glyphosate, which other countries have banned, but we use everywhere.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And 90 plus percent of people have glyphosate in their blood and they test it, which is Roundup, that chemical pesticide and herb. We have herbicides that kill your fucking endocrine system. We're poisoning ourselves.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we make stuff that can sit on the shelf forever. That's why our tomatoes look like they're albino tomatoes. They're hard. Our tomatoes are hard. Why is a tomato hard? What is that about? Why does it stay hard for weeks? It just sits there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's terrible. And then you get all this inflammation in your body. And, you know, we've sort of genetically modified a bunch of things so we could feed a bunch of people so we could have large numbers of people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. That's a fact. But it's not just that. So I think there's a bunch of factors and everybody wants to be real binary about it. Sedentary lifestyle is a big one. There's a large percentage of our population that doesn't move enough. They don't exercise. They don't do anything physical.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So you got that and then you got years and years and years and years of doing that, which eventually catches you. Yeah. And so that's what the people that start showing up at the hospital, you know, it's metabolic health. Right. So and then you have lack of understanding of nutrition, which is they think, oh, you're some fuckhead doctor that tells you just off to eat a balanced diet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, that doctor is fat and stupid and probably has a bunch of diseases and he's on pills himself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Shut up. Probably never even went through any nutrition training. In medical school, they get about six hours of nutrition training, I think.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It is crazy, right? Like you're teaching kids about how to prepare yourself for the world and you don't teach them about debt and about interest.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Righteous Gemstones. Oh, yeah. Fucking A. Yeah, man. Dude. Danny McBride.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, also you get it in their head that they're fucked because the debt that they're getting involved in with student loans is the only debt we have that you can't get rid of. Yeah. The only debt.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There are people right now who have Social Security getting docked. Their Social Security is getting docked. For student loans.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So they made it to death and they owe money to the government for loans that did them no good at all because they're living off Social Security. So the government gets to steal more money from your Social Security. We don't have to pay you. So nuts. And meanwhile, like – Today, the reality is you can get that education online.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Almost all of the books on any sort of subject are available.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
This guy, look, he went to our university. You should come.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
God forbid you go to graduate school. Oh, my God. It compounds, and then you're never getting out of the hole. I mean, I think this is why some doctors and lawyers become sociopaths, because you are dealing with so much debt, and you realize no one gives a fuck about you, so you don't give a fuck about anybody else either. Wow. Yeah, it's great for society.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's also like you – there's two things that can be true, right? I do think that you kind of have to – kids have to like get to work and get something going and get a path in your life. And when you're going to college, it's like you're out of high school. OK. Now you're on your own. You're in college. You got to keep up your GPA. You got to get your degree. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So there is value in that. Yeah. But then also – It's too much money, and you're probably not going to do anything with that degree. And if you don't have the degree, people think you're a loser. And it's very strange. It's very strange what's going on because you're allowing these corporations to prey upon children. Yeah. Because, like, you're an 18-year-old child.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You don't understand anything. And then all of a sudden you're in college and you're saddled down with unstoppable debt. And you have this fucking circus of people around you that are also trapped.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like you talk to like a – Yeah, they're not developed yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Way more clearly. Yeah, boys don't get developed until they're like 25. Girls are pretty – they can figure out the game earlier. They're not as saddled down by testosterone. Yeah, they're –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's like, thank God. It seems like for a while, people were getting scared of making anything offensive.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, dude's retarded. But that's also how you trick them into going to war.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You know? It's part of it. Like, hey, we need to get, you know, the Gulf of Tonkin? Terrible thing those Vietnamese did. We're going to need to send you overseas. Try that shit on a 40-year-old guy. You're like, what? No fucking way. What happened?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Hey, I Googled Gulf of Tonkin. Turns out you guys fucking faked it. What else are you faking to get us to go to war? Oh, my God. You guys fake things to start wars so you can make money? That's crazy. How are you not in jail? How's no one in jail for faking things to start wars? Zero accountability. So then you're like, well, fuck it. They got me with the student loan. They got me with this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They got me with that. And you just get accustomed to life fucking you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're just like, oh, society just fucks you over. They just take from you, take from you, and saddle you with debt.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, there's a lot to that, too, that if the government wants... If they want control and power, which is ultimately what every government wants. It's not a conspiracy theory. Every government wants control and power. What's the best way to acquire control and power? Have the people give up. Have them give up. Yeah, they're just fucking, I give up. I give up. Fuck it. I'm wearing flip flops.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's what's really scary to me about AI, automation, and then ultimately universal basic income. you're gonna get a lot of giving up. And then the government's gonna clamp down on you even more. And then it's gonna be haves and have-nots on a scale that we've never seen before. When you have companies that are in charge of these automated taxi services, and that's the only way people get around,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And the government gives you a certain amount of credits so you don't have to ever worry about traveling. You have credits as long as you're a good boy, Tom. As long as you follow the rules. As long as you don't say anything crazy about Israel. As long as you don't do anything nutty about vaccines. As long as you don't step out of line when it comes to the election.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, what's weird is you can get away with so much in a drama. In a drama, you could have violence and fear. Theft and car accidents, you can fucking kill people and rape people and steal all their money, and that's okay for some reason. But there's something about doing comedy that's offensive or even potentially offensive.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Don't say anything crazy about this or about that. Take your vaccines. That's a real possibility that they're just going to extract... Extract money out of us or attempt to attempt to control like this is the grant. This is a grand battle of control. The more they have power over narratives. It's also like. There's things that are going on right now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like we were just talking about some friends this weekend. We're talking about these bot farms, like this evidence of bot farms that people have used to go and attack people with certain things. Like a bunch of different countries use bot farms. I'm sure a bunch of different corporations use bot farms too. But no one's getting in trouble for it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like if you can pretend that you're mass groups of people that are getting upset about something, you could just pretend. And there's no – you could pretend. You could just like – you can hire people to go protest and fly them in on jets. Like that's happening right now. There was this guy in Maine and he made this video where he was hired to drive these people to the airport.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
and he's trying to figure out like where are these where are all these people going i'm driving this bus load two bus loads full of people at the airport and um they were saying well we're going to a protest and like what protest then he goes and googles like where they're where they're flying to it's like oh this is a paid protest they're paying people to show up and pretend that it's a protest so it's like there's puppet masters that are
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're manipulating world events. And that's legal. You're allowed to pay people to go protest, which seems like that should be illegal. You shouldn't be able to pretend that you have an organic uprising against some.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It has, which is the entire Kamala Harris campaign. I mean, that's what it was. The whole thing was astroturf.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That are fake Apple stores. So insane. Everything's fake. Fake laptops, fake phones.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
What happens if you try to get online with one of those? I'd have no idea. Can you get an Apple ID?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, I assume that. What if the other one has a 72-hour battery or a power supply too? What if you 3D print every single aspect of the watch? I wouldn't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But it can be the same thing. Like, we're not talking, like, my watch. Like, there's a Panerai. Yeah. This could be fake. I mean, I bought it from my friend, so I'm sure it's real. Yeah. But, like, it's not a fake Ferrari. Right. You know what I'm saying? Right. Like, if you got a fake Ferrari, like, oh, my God, these tires have no traction. This suspension sucks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I hate the idea of fake watch, though. Right, but why? Because you used to be poor.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, you know, I wouldn't buy one because you're contributing to some. But it's kind of funny.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You can get one for $40. That's insane. It's like a $7,000 watch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So one of those is fake? Yeah, the right. The one on the right is fake? Yeah. Yeah, I'd buy that. Looks perfect. I'll take it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So I'd have to, like, take it out and do this. Like, I don't know. Like, this one, I can't even. I guess I can read the time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The tiny ass date windows. That's a struggle. Like, if it's dark in the room, I'm not reading that. My vision absolutely sucks. That's incredible, though.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They're so good. But again, try making a replica 911 Turbo S. Good luck, fuckface. Good luck, yeah, I know. Good luck, fuckface.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You don't know you're getting a fake Apple product if you're in China.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It has the fucking logo. That's an Apple fake factory rated in China.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's like it's layers of severance. It just goes deeper and deeper and deeper. Yeah. That's really crazy. You ever follow the YouTube channel Stance Elements?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's a guy that just works on cars. Dope shit. And one of the things he's doing, he's building his own Ferrari F40.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So instead of buying one for like $3 million, which is, okay, I'm going to say something that's going to piss off these Ferrari people. It ain't worth it. Okay, it's not worth $3 million. It's not that good. If it was new today, you'd be like, this should be taken off the market.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like this thing has zero fucking traction control. But because it's a classic, it's worth like a ton of money. So what he's doing is making it better. Stance works. Did I say stance elements? Yeah, that's the – That's the B-Boys. That's the break dancers, which, by the way, Stance Elements. How did I fuck that up? Stance Elements, by the way, is also amazing. We can talk about that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But this guy, Stance Works, this is his own. That's not a Ferrari.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Don't you think part of that is because they can't take any real chances?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He bought all the parts online. So he bought all the body panels online, and then he made his own frame, and then he bought a Ferrari engine from a different model of Ferrari, and he's putting that in it. But this is like a multi-month journey that this dude has been on that I've been watching all the videos. Whenever he has a new video, I watch it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He does a lot of dope shit, but this is a guy that like really loves cars and he's super smart. And when he's talking about cars, it's fascinating because like he's also a fan of the original M5, which I've thought about getting one of those.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Not very fast, but apparently like super engaging driving experience. The original M5, which I think was like, I want to say it was like 280 horsepower. In what year? 80-something.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Which, by the way, I think it was 88 maybe. Back then, that was a lot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I have an E46 M3. Those are fun. I love it. It's so balanced. It's like such an engaging driving experience.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that's nonsense. Like if you ever use that on a public road, you're an asshole. But engaging cars, you could drive the speed limit and enjoy the shit out of them. They're just fun just going around a corner and just accelerating to 60. They're fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You feel more like an old air-cooled Porsche. You feel it. You're feeling it more. Ah!
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's rad. Very excited about that. It's like 350 horsepower, 2,000 pounds.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. I've seen your Blazer, but I watched a video on it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Is that the one with the flared fender? Did you send me that? No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. I've seen that online getting reviewed. It's a Restomod Alfa Romeo. I don't trust my people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No. I have one of my people's vehicles, but generally I don't trust my people. Oh, my God. I'm blanking on it. I just think they're eating pasta and staring at ass, and they're not going to do a good job. My car is made by either Germans who do meth or- Totem. That's what it was.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
panic and i was like fucking driving this guy's fear of losing it in a porsche that rear engine whip you know that uh that understeer that happens yeah or oversteer what is it called supply throttle something throttle oversteer when you lift when you lift throttle oversteer yeah yeah and then and then the the back end goes on oh yeah it's a weird design like having the engine out back like this thing also happens in everybody's mind who hasn't
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Bye. Bye-bye. Wreck. Painful to watch. Painful. But that is a bad element of that design. The rear weight. Yeah. Yeah. And also, it's like, is that really the best way to do it? Because, you know, everybody always said that the Cayman is the better car if they just gave it the same sort of love that they give the Porsche. I fucking love that car.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Anybody that says that is an idiot. You don't know anything about cars.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because you have a Dynan, right? No, it's not Dynan. What's the company? Dynan did my BMW. Yeah. What's your company? For that one, DeMond.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So what that is is what it should be from Porsche. They should take that big, juicy GT3 RS engine or even crazier, take that GT2 RS.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
If that upsets you, then you need to go find something else. You need to go do mushrooms on the mountaintop somewhere.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Did you feel it at all? I don't know what you're talking about.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Come on, you pussies. Yeah. Like, what are we doing? Why are you buying a street car? Are you a crazy track guy? Because that's a track car. Okay, which is fine. Yeah. Which is fine. Yeah, take it. But for the average person that like enjoy, you like make an enthusiast car that's a goddamn three pedal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But they did with some cars. Like a lot of their cars, you can't get the GTS now in a five-speed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Or, excuse me, a six-speed or a seven-speed, whatever the fuck they have now. You can't get... I don't think you can get the S. You can't get the Turbo.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You have to get the T or the regular... GT3. Maybe you can get the regular 911.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
GT3 you can get still, but you can't get the GT3 RS. Like, come on, guys. Shut up. Just shut up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It pisses me off about Corvette, too. You guys have the most dope shape now. The C8 Corvette is so sick. You're putting out these insane ones like the Z06 and the ZR1, but it's still... People want to... I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I kind of quit those, but I'll have one. I fucking love these. I thought I was going to have a hard time. I quit them over the weekend. Really? I did nothing. I was like, this is easy. I think I'm lucky. With your- I think, yeah. I don't think I get physically addicted to stuff that way, except coffee. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I've done that one where I took the whole day off coffee and I was like, why am I fucking yawning? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But I like coffee so much and coffee's everywhere. I'm like, I don't think I need to quit that one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I didn't get headaches last time I tried to quit coffee. I quit for a couple of days and I was like, this is just rough. Um, but the nicotine pouches was nothing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Dude, I have friends that have like anything gets them. Like I, I had a guy who came over here to do a podcast and he saw that someone had sent us some Kratom stuff that I want up throwing out. I was like, I don't want like this shit anyway.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And he's like, don't take that. I can't get off of it. Get that Kratom away from me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, Duncan loved it. We had some at the club, and Duncan's like, hey, man, you got any more of that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
got any more of that liquid heroin man i was like keep it away from duncan yeah he's so funny he's the best he's the best but we like had a whole box of it there that ron white had left there and it was gone by tuesday i got in there on tuesday everyone went where did it all go no it was all duncan it was all we drank all of them i was drinking two and three a day man
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I go, you're not even supposed to drink one a day. It's like a half a dose, which is really weird. Why did they make one of them?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's like when you buy a bag of chips and it says how many calories in it per serving.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Why is this little baggie not even a single serving? You know I'm going to eat more than that one bag. Of course they know. Piece of shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
garbage tactic to get people it's so predatory it's just lies you're lying about the amount of calories that's so funny but i don't i think i'm very lucky because i know people that get addicted to weed yeah and they're i i've i have gone a long time without weed and never had any problem
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Look at Bert. A normal person who drinks as much as him would be dead.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You'd have real liver problems, and he doesn't have any problems.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's nuts. So it's like you just got to deal with the cards you dealt. Like, why don't I have four aces? Well, you don't. You don't. So what are you going to do? Yeah. Are you going to just sit here and fucking complain about everything or what? You got to figure it out. Yeah. Figure it out, bitch. Yeah. Yeah, figure it out. You know, everybody needs love. Everybody needs support.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think that's a real problem where people, you know, if you think about like the, you remember that documentary, The Secret, that stupid documentary? Oh yeah. Like all you have to do is like think about things and you can make them happen. Not really. That's bullshit. But it's a part of it. It's a part of making things happen. Like you can't just say. I'm going to fucking breathe underwater.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, it's kind of a tremendous opportunity, right? Because of the fact that these big studios and these big stars are not doing those kind of films.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I'm just going to think about it until I can do it. No, you can't do that. Give it a shot. Yeah, there's physical limitations to the human frame. There's physical limitations for your particular human frame. You can't get taller. You can lose weight, but you can't really do much other than that. You can kind of get in good shape for what you got, but what you got is what you got.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Your focus is your problems rather than your solutions. Do you know how many people who live in Guatemala in a fucking dirt-floored shack would love your problems?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Your problems are not that big a problem if you're living in America and you have your health.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Have you ever seen that video? The final boss of Woke? It's like this one trans man who's like, I'm a disabled trans man. I'm also on food stamps. I also have... It's a real person? And it's... Donald Trump is trying to erase me, and it's like this is the identity. This is existential battle, but this final boss has everything wrong with him. You're not him. You're a girl pretending to be a man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So it's like you've got everything wrong, and it just keeps going on and on. Have you seen this, Jamie? Do you know it is?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, big fat stupid face. It's not going to work. The whole thing is just like, it's so crazy that people will just like, there's a value and a currency to being a victim.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because there's plenty of people that don't want to deal with their shit that'll go, yes, girl, you go, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Society's doing this to you. Did you hear about that lady that got fired from Equinox in Manhattan? She was late 47 times in 10 months, and she sued because of racism. She said she got fired for racism, and she won.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because it's a jury, and she won $11 million. No. Yes, she did. No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Not only that. You were working at Equinox. You could work for all of time, and you'll never make $11 million.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're not going to make $11 million working in Equinox. But yet you won. And she only worked there for 10 months. She was late 47 times in 10 months.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Bitch, you are always late. And then she's like, that's so racist.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Of course they're going to appeal. But the thing is, when you have a jury, you have a jury of people so fucking stupid, they don't get out of jury duty.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He's like, fuck Equinox. Of course. Not just that. It's a corporation. You don't think of it as... as an individual. This is a company that's gonna fuck you over. That's why people don't feel bad stealing from work. You don't feel like you're stealing. If someone was working in your house and they were stealing from you, like they stole your fork, it's like, where's my fucking fork?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
This is bullshit. And then you find out a guy who worked for you stole your fork. You're fucking fired. But if an office, if someone takes a fork home, like if you have a kitchen in your office, we use a bunch of forks for the staff, and someone takes that fork, it's no big deal. It's the office's fork. We just need to order more forks, man. These fucking forks keep disappearing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you go over Tom's house one day, and Tom's got four of the office forks. Like, did you steal the office forks? I forgot. I just keep forgetting to bring them back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's a corporation, which is also why corporations can act like fucking psychopaths.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because they're also not a human. So they could just do whatever the fuck they have to do, which is why our food supply is so bad. Because they're just trying to maximize profit. They literally have a duty to maximize profit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's also like, why am I watching this? I don't know if you know, but you're my mom. It's just so funny.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I was talking to Shane Gillis about a bit he does where people getting upset. People he knows getting upset about a bit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And he's like, yeah, I'll stop doing that. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, my God, that's so funny. Speaking of the juice, have you seen fucking Kanye's new song? Bro.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, I think that's part of the program. Yeah. I think it's part of what he's trying to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It is crazy. But it's also kind of a sign of the times. I guess. It was a chaotic world we're living in. Yeah. And it's like, okay, this kind of highlights the benefits. I mean, I want to say this carefully because I don't want to think any – I want to say real clearly. I don't support people saying that. I don't think it's a good thing to say.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I don't say it. I certainly don't think – I don't think any – racism is good. I don't think anti-Semitism is good. I don't think anti-Christianity is good. I don't think Asian hate is good. I don't think anything is good. But there's a benefit to just letting people talk. Like let people say whatever the fuck they want to say, even if it sucks. This is the benefit of Twitter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's so cool. I didn't even know that that was your original dream, and I've fucking known you forever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But this is also the bad part. It's like the fucking song has so many millions of hits on Twitter. It's been banned from every platform.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But is it good to ban things from platforms, or is it better to let it be out there and let people talk about it? Because if you ban it, then people want to hear it more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then it becomes more popular, and then it kind of supports what he says, which is that there's this concerted effort, if you talk about Jewish people, that they're going to remove you from everything, remove you from banking. Right. Which is what he's saying, they run everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So if they didn't, like if it was just, you were talking shit about Puerto Ricans, look what happened to Tony, nothing. He's doing great. You know what I mean? Like if there's certain people that you're allowed to pick on and make jokes about or mock or say something and you can get away with it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think we all get it now. It's never gonna end. But how does it end? This is the question. When I was watching that song, First of all, I was by myself when I first saw the song. I was like, what is this? Like, no way. Yeah, yeah. I was like, no way. No way. And I'm watching on my phone. I'm like, yo. And then my first thought was, how does this end? Because this ends. This is going to end.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There's going to come a time where they're going to realize, like, this is a problem. Yeah. So how does it end? Does it end in assassination? Does it end in financial ruin?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, they can't steal your money, but they can debank you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Right, so it's like, how does that work? Where do you get your ATM card?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Is it from the bank of fucking Portugal? What do you have to do?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, that's the easy part. You put out a casting call in L.A., everyone's soulless. They have no fucking soul. Nuts. They just want to get famous. You're going to do a project with Kanye? Okay, let's go. Let's do it. Also, I'm just acting. Just like that guy in Inglourious Basterds wasn't really a Nazi. Right. I'm not really a Nazi. Listen, man, I got to do what I got to do. I got kids to feed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's so crazy. It's so crazy because his last album before that was a banger. It's like he came out of the gate showing people that he still got it. Like, yeah, you might have pulled me off all these platforms. You might have debanked me. You might have taken away my Yeezy deal with Adidas. But damn, I still got it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, man, that's in the Spotify playlist that we play in the green room all the time. There's some fucking killer songs in that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
man yeah he's he's classics yeah classics he's got so many bangers yeah but you know this one he's just like letting people i i guess in his eye i mean i don't know i haven't talked to him about it but i guess he's like i'll do whatever the fuck i want i'm gonna clear whatever the fuck i want yeah clearly so i'm gonna do the one thing that you're never ever ever supposed to do i'm gonna make a
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, and you had to say, like, in the casting, there's, like, a description of all the stuff. If you want to be a part of this production, you have to be comfortable with swastikas. Is that what's in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a diamond-encrusted swastika. That's also insane, dude. By the way, you know a juice hold'em that? Probably, but... Or at least supply the diamonds.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Where'd the diamonds come from? That's insane. The Jewish people have been controlling diamonds for a long time. It's insane. They're very smart about the diamonds because the diamonds aren't even really that valuable anymore.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Girls don't want them. I was reading this whole thing about the demand and supply for lab-created diamonds that are absolutely diamonds. They're not fake diamonds. It's a real diamond. But it's not a diamond that's pulled out of the ground by slaves. It's just lab-generated. Yeah, it's not like a blood diamond.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's not real. I'll know it's not real. I want someone to suffer first. Well, it's not that. What it is is the same thing as not wanting a fake Rolex, even though it's like physically the exact same thing as a Rolex. But that's at least a brand – like if you're a person who loves engineering and craftsmanship, like I don't want to – Someone to rip off someone's work.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, like that's art like a girl like your watch. That's a piece of art Yeah, it's a piece of art. Yeah, so that makes sense. You wouldn't want a fake piece of art, but a diamond is just it's just Elements compressed over time. Yeah, they figured out how to do that where they make perfect diamonds Fraction of the costume. Yeah, but the demand is super low. Yeah Wow 99% less
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
99 oh yeah oh yeah in some cases especially the biggins yeah i was gonna say you get like a three carat yeah right right right little ladies don't want them yeah and everyone it's so crazy no that's one of the things cheap that i feel so do you think i'm cheap yeah
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's, like, lab-created diamonds are actual diamonds. It's literal alchemy. Remember, like, in the old days, like, they were trying to figure out a way to use, like, all these chemicals to make gold? That's what alchemists are for. Like, kings would spend insane amounts of money on these alchemists to try to get these alchemists to figure out how to manufacture...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think I can make gold for you, sire. I need a laboratory. And these dudes are sniffing fucking mercury all day and dying young.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But imagine if the lady's like, no, you made that gold in a lab. I don't want it. I don't want it. I want real gold that's from Africa that came out of the ground.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I want the real stuff that they picked out of the river. I want the real stuff they got from Alaska. I want that real stuff. But it's just gold, baby. It's gold. It's just an element. Who cares where it's from? No. No. I want stuff that's forged inside of a sun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to say who. Yeah. But someone relative, not like close, but broke up with the guy and found out that it was a cubic zirconium. That's hilarious. LOL. That's very funny. But perfect for that guy. I was like, that guy's such a piece of shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I could have told you it was a fake diamond. That's so funny. I laugh so hard.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, she's like, I got to break up with this guy. I don't have any money. She's living with this shyster, this fucking guy who's like a just dirtbag, but had some money, but not real money. Just like a just bullshit artist.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
She's like, oh, he's a bullshit artist. I got to leave him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
fuck fuck shit like I'm gonna you know I've ten grand yeah so this right like I'll give you a hundred bucks it's worth nothing they didn't want any of it they didn't it's not worth anything that's fake diamonds worth zero money looks exactly like like if you're in a party yeah if you go to a party if you're a woman you have this beautiful big-ass fucking rock and you walk in and everything look at her ring oh my god sparkling
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Nobody knows. Nobody has any idea that it's fake. No one knows. I mean, literally, again, it's not a fake Ferrari.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
For everything except fighting. Did he fight? He has this very bizarre idea. Like him and Shannon Sharp argue all the time. His bizarre idea that he could fight MMA guys and beat them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's just unstoppable belief in yourself, which, listen, he's such a great athlete that if he did compete in MMA, he probably would be a world champion because he's got that – like if Michael Jordan decided he was going to – if MMA existed when Michael Jordan was alive, he'd probably be the light heavyweight champion of the world. Right. He'd probably figure out a way to fuck everybody else up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And also like this drive – This championship mindset. It's just rare humans that choose to focus on football or soccer or basketball or whatever it is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But if they put the same amount of energy from the same amount at an early enough age, like there's certain like barriers that cannot be overcome. And one of them is like physical maturity. Once you're 36 years old, if you start boxing at 36 years old, I don't care what, you're not going to be a world champion. It's too hard. It's too hard.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's the way you saw with Francis Ngannou when he fought Anthony Joshua. That's the difference. You can't just jump on in and fight an Olympic gold medalist who's been doing it his whole life. He's going to do things to you. You're not going to know what he's doing and he's going to crack you. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The reason why he thinks that, like Ocho Cinco thinks that, is because he was a fucking monster athlete. He knows how hard he works. He knows how gifted he is. But he just thinks, but if you put him in there with a guy like a Drekas Duplessis or something like that, he'd get fucking mauled.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I know. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You don't know how to block them. You don't know how to stop the rear naked choke. You don't know how to stop the trip. You don't know which way to roll on a heel hook. They're like, I'll figure that shit out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're going to get your knees ripped apart. You're going to get knocked unconscious. It's like just reality. But I love the fact that people think that way.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. I understand. I have that stupid part of my brain too, but I'm also smart enough to go, hey, fuck face. Like I have two people in my head. Yeah. I have the general who tells me what to do, and then I have the soldier that's like, wait a minute. This is going to get me killed. I'm not running with a hand grenade into all these bullets flying my way.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Especially with martial arts is the big one. It's like you don't know, man. There's little tiny dudes that can choke you to death, and you have no idea. In your mind, you're like, they're getting new shit to me. This motherfucker, I could bench 300 pounds. And next thing you know, arm drag. He's got your back. He's got your body triangle on you. And you don't let it tap out, but you have to.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's good to take breaks. It is, right? I'll tell you that. I took a big sort of a break. I've just been doing the club since I did my live special.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, when I first started doing jujitsu, I was already like a very accomplished striker. I was really good at striking. So I was like, I know how to fight. And then I went to jujitsu class. I got my ass kicked every day. I was like, this is crazy. I was so wrong. I have this completely distorted idea of my abilities.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
A lot of people walking around out there, especially men, just think they know how to fight. It's a terrible thing to find out on YouTube. To see people find out that you don't really know how to fight, you just think you're going to bluff your way.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There's like manly things. You don't want someone to be better than you at.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I've had a bunch of dudes say they play good pool. I'm like, really? Let's find out. Let's find out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, usually people that are really good at pool, they'll tell you. Like, oh, yeah, I used to play a lot. I played a lot of tournaments. I did this or that. Like, where'd you play? And they're like, oh, I played at Chelsea Billiards in New York City. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Did you do a lot of tournaments? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did a lot of gambling. It was fucking me up in high school.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's very nice. It's great having no pressure. So, like, I just talk about what I want to talk about and I write about what I want to write about instead of going, I got to put an hour together because I have a tour in three months.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, okay, I get it. You know what you're talking about. But the guy's like, yeah, man, I'm fucking good at pool. I'm like, are you? Where do you play? It's like going bars, mostly. Right. So it's one of two things happening. Either they're trying to sucker you into a game, and they are really good at pool, or they're delusional. And every time I've ever experienced it, it's delusional. Wow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There's a lot of people, dude. Like, famous people. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. A bunch. Yeah. They're like, I'm pretty good. Bring them over. I don't want to say names, but bring them over onto the table. And they're like, what the fuck? Oh, you have to tell me these names afterwards. Tell you afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, it's fun. But, you know, it's one of those things that people like, like a lot of men want to think they're good at poker. Like, oh, I can read people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He would go and play in the bicycle club and all those. So he was pretty good. Ari was very good at poker. But he would tell you, like, all these people think they can play. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. Because they play stupid. Like, he's just intelligent and calculated.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You know what made it uptick? No. You could see the cards.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
that's a huge element that's true at home because uh anthony giordano my friend from the ufc who uh he does uh all the ufc direction he's done my comedy specials too he explained it to me he's like the moment you could see those cards that changed the game because it now made it exciting for people to watch because you're watching people play poker you don't know what anybody's hand is until the end this is stupid
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But if there's like you got a camera, so like as they fan open their cards, there's a camera under the table.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And I think there's something to be said for taking breaks with stand-up in particular because, like... You don't want to just have tools that you use to do a job, right? You want to actually, like, you have to kind of figure out what am I investing all my time in these subject matters? Yeah. What am I, what is like, what's interesting to me?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They're like, get the fuck out of here, man. Well, they also want to rob you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's got to be a thing where a lot of people that are really wealthy that get into gambling.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, that's a big thing with pool players, too, is occasionally poker players because poker players, a lot of them, they gamble on a bunch of different stuff. You know, a lot of them are just gambling addicts. Totally. And so there was always a bunch of poker players that would play pool and they were kind of OK at pool, but they would get insane spots.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like say if, like I knew this guy that was playing one pocket for like $100,000 a set. And one pocket is a weird game where a pool table has six pockets.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And so like if we were playing one pocket, you would have this pocket on the right, I'd have this pocket on the left. And there's 15 balls. And so all I have to do is make eight balls into my hole and I win the game.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
13 balls. You just have to get two. We're going to play for big money. We're going to play for big money. We're gonna play for race to five for $100,000. So that means whoever, and a game of one pocket takes a long time. It's not like a game of nine ball. A game of nine ball, you could be done in two minutes. You just run the rack. Like a good player.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Exactly, one pocket. And you can't leave a shot. Because if you're playing a good player, so like if you were playing, okay, me, let's say me, because I'm like what's called a B player. Like I can't beat pros, but compared to regular people, oh my God, how do you play so good? Regular people don't know how to play. That's why it is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But if I played like a pro, like if I played like my friend Fedor Gorst, who's like world champion. Like I would probably need like out of 15 balls, I'd probably need 11 balls to have a chance. And even then I'm probably getting robbed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because he's just going to— He's going to figure out a way to never leave me a shot, and then he's going to calculate when he has a shot, can he open up the stack, and then run all the other balls. Because you don't break like you break with eight ball. When you break with one pocket, it's a very calculated game. And it's a big gambling game.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The most money gets spent on— Like I was just watching online the other day a game they were playing for $240,000. Wow. Yeah. It was a match for $240,000. I think it was a three-day match. I've got to watch one of these. The pressure's insane. But this guy, Justin Bergman, who's one of the best players in the world, was playing this guy, and he gave him a crazy spot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think it was... It might have been like... It was something crazy, like 10-6 or something like that, where he had to make 10 balls, the other guy had to make six balls. And the guy was a good player, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because you're calculating how to not- You have to risk reward, because say you might have a long spot in your hole, and if you make it- You have all these balls, and you can run out the game. But if you miss, you're selling out, and this guy only has to make six balls, and he might be able to make six balls.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And how much time is that going to take to figure out what the perspective is where I can just say it on stage?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Exactly, any six. Wow. Any ball just has to be in your hole in any order. It's not like a rotation game, like one through nine, or eight ball, where you're like, I got stripes, you got solids.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You don't have a chance. And there's really good players like there's a guy named Tony Chohan who's real famous. His nickname's T-Rex. And he's like a big time money gambler. And there's another guy. named Scott Frost, who's a friend of mine, who's like one of the biggest one pocket players of all time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Guarantee you Scott Frost has gambled over the course of his life, millions of dollars have changed hands with Scott Frost playing one pocket. He's like one of the best one pocket players like literally ever. And these guys are playing, you know, they'll meet up in Kentucky. They'll have stake horses and then people on the rail. So all the people that are watching are gambling as well.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because I feel like... With a lot of comics, there's a thing happens where you get kind of like locked into a set, and then you abandon that set, and there's this mad scramble to come up with a new set. Yes. And a lot of times when you're doing that new set, you're not invested in it. It's just you know you can make it effective.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So you might have a, you know, there might be a set that's being played for half a million dollars. Fucking A. Yeah. Like this one that I was watching that Justin Bergman was, $240,000 they were playing for.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Listen, I'm all for you being able to do whatever the fuck you want to do. Yeah. I like it. I don't like rules that regulate people's stupidity. Mm-hmm. Be as dumb as you want. If you want to do flips on your dirt bike, you should be able to do that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So you should also be able to gamble your life away if you want to do that. I don't think you should.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But I believe in Darwinism. I believe you're supposed to let people lose everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
$148 billion. That's like three a week. Listen, compared to what the United States government chews up every day, that's nothing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, and if you're working for the mob or something like that, this is your job. Your job is to shave points. Your job is to make sure that these guys don't score as much.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, there's a real problem with MMA. Here's the problem with MMA gambling. Incompetent judging.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There's been a few decisions like that. There was one lady in Vegas and she got barred from ever judging fights again. There was a few fights that she was involved with. Everybody was like, what the fuck?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I don't know if she's ever been charged. I don't want to mention her name. But I know that there was a real issue. It was a real issue with world title fights where people were like, how the fuck is this? Because say if Canelo Alvarez is fighting someone that you know he's going to win. You know he's going to be. But you can place a prop bet on it being a split decision. or a majority decision.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
All you have to do is get one person to say it's a draw. And that's it. And, like, look, he's going to win. He's going to win. He's going to win either way. But if I want to place a shit ton of money on this one thing, some dirty judge could score to draw.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think they definitely do. Oh, they do. They do. Because I feel it as an audience member. I know when someone's doing that and I go, oh, this is not, I'm not connecting with this at all.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you just have to convince that dirty judge. Like, just listen. It doesn't matter. You're not affecting this guy's career.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He's going to get the win. No one's going to remember. Just make it a majority decision.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you just got to justify why you thought – I'm a big fan of defense.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think the other guy just like blocked a lot of punches. I thought it was great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But it's just... For a fighter, the crazy thing is you lose half your purse.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because you might get $100,000 to fight and then $100,000 to win. And so if they hit you with a bullshit decision, you lost $100,000. That's... Because some hometown decision or some corruption.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Basketball. Ball goes in the net. Score. You could shave point. You could bullshit. Yeah, yeah. But if you're playing Michael Jordan, he's going to score on you. Yes. How are you going to stop him? You're not going to stop him, right? So the numbers he puts up are the numbers he puts up. But in boxing and in MMA, remember when Roy Jones lost in the Olympics? Do you remember that? Yes, yes, yes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He lost the Olympics in Korea. And he fucked that dude up. He beat that dude from pillar to post. 100%. It was nationalism. It was like, it was in Korea. Like, Koreans are very proud. And they're like, he won. Like, what?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Roy Jones Jr. in his prime, in the Olympics. I mean, not even in his prime yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And, you know, there's been a few decisions like that in boxing where you're like, how is this?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that was a- Where like- I don't know if that's the referee's fault or whatever, but he didn't get off of his stool. So Kennedy, Tim had rocked him real bad at the end of the round, like real bad. And then Yoel-
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Actually interesting. That's the thing. It's like... You know, as I've gotten older, I've thought much more about stand-up. And there's a lot of stand-up is kind of like unspoken. I think a lot of it is hypnosis. Really? Yeah. There's a weird thing going on. And I get it from great comedians. Like... When I was a kid, there was this guy named Frank Santos, the R-rated hypnotist.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
went to his corner wobbling fucking out of it and at the end of the one minute break that you're supposed to have sat on the stool it should be it's over it's over it should be it's over but he got an additional I want to say more than 30 seconds to recover And then he wound up beating Tim. But also, psychologically, for the guy who was fucking him up, for Tim, it's like, no, this fight is over.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're fucking me. I'm getting fucked here. And so then you get out of your fight mindset, which has to be zen.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yes, it was crazy. I don't want to pass blame, but someone fucked up. It should have been, in my mind... One minute, get up. Are you going to get up? Fight's over. This guy won. That's it. He retired on his stool. Fuck you. Fight's over. That's what it should have been in my mind.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Also, when the fight – when the round does go over one minute and the guy doesn't get up, you put a burden on Kennedy that is just like totally unfair. Totally unfair. Totally unfair.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
especially when he was rocking him at the end of the round like this this is like the more time he gets to recover there's a reason why in boxing you only get 10 seconds yeah you know the more time he gets to recover the more it's possible that he can win this is not fair yeah like it's supposed to be one minute and that's it if the fight doesn't restart at one minute he's not ready it's over yeah so that's only happened once and unfortunately for Tim it happened to him
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It was a bummer because Yoel Romero went on to, I mean, Yoel was a freak of all freaks, though.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The guy could recover, and he was also just built like a superhero.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I don't know. Traps and the... head everybody who fought him said that like hitting him hurt hitting him so he's like he's made out of metal they all said that everybody said like everybody like robert whittaker who beat him twice uh who was the middleweight champion he's like every time you hit him it hurt you like he's just different yeah freaky guy
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, so, like, if Chad Ochocinco thinks he was going to beat that guy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, listen, bro. No. Like, there's people like you out there that also really know how to fight.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You know? Like, there's, like, people that have that. That's a problem with, like, really tough guys. They think they're the only one like that. Yeah. It's like you don't want to discourage that in a fighter because that's the thing that gets them to a championship level in the first place is this belief that they're just different than everybody. They're the chosen one. They're destined for this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But the wake-up call that those guys get when they get knocked unconscious is the craziest thing. It's like the reality, oh my God, I am the victim now. I am what I have been doing to other people, someone just did to me, and now it's over.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Your girlfriend's not attracted to you anymore. You just got laid out. Yeah, like everybody thinks of you as a loser now. Yeah. Hey, had a rough one Saturday, huh? What happened? What happened? Hey, what happened? And all your, that fat, stupid fucking neighbor that's happy that you're a loser now. Like, yeah. Wasn't your night, huh, pal? Yeah. Happens to all of us.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you're like, hey, man, fuck you. Like, listen, you know, maybe fucking take a job where you're not getting punched in the head, stupid. Don't get mad at me. Exactly. People love it when the dominator fails.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
ride with them want everyone to know this is who I've been with this person from the beginning see them reach a certain height and then go oh fuck him fuck that guy and then bring him down you see it all the time well because our society is infested with bitches like an apartment filled with roaches our society is infested with bitches and there's always going to be people that don't do their best that don't go for things that don't try real hard that
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
that never put themselves out there. And so when someone does and fails, they're like, ha, ha, ha. And they want to troll them on social media. You're not better than me. I tell so many fighters, you've got to stay offline. Because I've talked to fighters when they're arguing with people online. And I'll meet them. I'll see them. I'll go, hey, man, listen to me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And he would go on stage and make people do stuff. And like, you're having sex with Madonna. It was really weird.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I know you think you're doing like you're shutting these people up. If you ever see you, I'll fucking smack you. Dude, I'm telling you right now, you've got to stop doing this. You've got to stop engaging and stop reading these things. This thing is poison. You're reading poison. And it gets in your head. It gets in your head like while you're training. I'm sure.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You think about it while you're training. I know it does. It's like a lot of these guys are very fragile because a lot of these guys got bullied and picked on, which is why they got into fighting in the first place.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
To defend themselves. And then you're getting bullied by 100,000 unknown anonymous 15-year-olds. And your neighbor. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Dude, I was reading this story about this lady who, this girl, this young girl was getting like mercilessly trolled online and she found out it was her mom.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There was a flow to his confidence or something about him. And he was also an actual hypnotist, like hypnotize people to quit smoking and shit like that. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Monsters are real. Yeah. Yeah, you can't, you know, you can't, like, fucking Gandhi everything. No. You can't, you know, Sat Nam the whole world. Ah, namaste, namaste.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Marvin Gaye got killed by his dad. Yeah, that's... You want to hear something crazy? I was dating this girl and I was a giant Marvin Gaye fan. I think she didn't like it. that I was a giant. She was kind of a cunt. She was kind of a cunt. And one of the things that she said was like, imagine how bad of a person he was that his own father killed him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And I was like, that's what you got out of this? That's your perspective? That's what you got out of this? She was such a bad person. What could he have done that would have justified his father shooting him and killing him? I'll tell you what he did. He fucking outshone his father. Yeah. That's what he did. He reached levels of love that his father couldn't possibly have achieved in his life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And his father realized, I'll never be as good as my son. Fuck my son. And he hated him because of that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
and there was something that he was doing where i was like what is he doing like how is he like what is this connection where it's just so funny like how is he getting into these people's heads like what is hypnosis and then i see like a guy like a tell on stage when he's killing and i recognize something in i'm like he's hypnotizing us
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I mean, I'm sure there's probably a bunch of other stuff involved, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But that's dark, man. Dark. You shot your son. You shot your son. You shot your son. And it's not like your son was trying to kill you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you had to defend yourself and shoot him. No. He's just an amazing singer that the whole world loved. Yeah. And he probably has a bitch-ass friend. Yeah, look at you, man. Yeah. Your son Marvin's killing it, and you're just a fucking loser. Oh!
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It was an interesting thing because I think what had happened with Marvin Gaye was Marvin had achieved like incredible fame, but he got fucked over in some record deal where he had like no money.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You ever read the thing that Courtney Lovard wrote about it, about the music business? A lot of people don't even think she wrote it because it's too good. But it was essentially a breakdown of how bad the music business fucks you. And this is at a time where you actually sold records. Tons of them sometimes, yeah. Yeah, because now the music business, it's like the mask is off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It doesn't provide any value. And they still take 50% of your touring, which is crazy. Of your touring? Yeah, 50-50. They do 50-50 deals. Merch, touring, yeah. And then what are they going to do? What do they provide? They can't even get you on the radio because the radio doesn't exist. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, you know, that's why people that break through from that model, like Oliver Anthony or, you know, Tyler, the creator is a great example, like just makes his own stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
All these boy bands that they pushed that never made it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
All the money that they put into that, that's a part of the accounting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then Hollywood does the same thing. They would do the same thing with how much money a movie made. Yeah. There's been tons of lawsuits that are involved, that kind of stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, so if I remember this story correctly, it was so depressing I didn't even want to really get into it because I think he had become a huge superstar and then didn't have any money, which has happened more than once. Yeah. And I think he might have had to move back in with his parents. No. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the story. See if you can find that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Right, but the thing is, like, he might have, like, bought him money when the money was flowing in, and then after a while, you know, that's the other thing that happens with artists.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, artists are impulsive, so they spend all their money, and then they don't really, like, how many artists get given, like, a Mercedes-Benz by, you know, the head of a label, and they think, like, oh, shit, I'm killing it. Meanwhile, it's a leased car, you know, and they're just siphoning money out of you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You're just getting fucked. You're getting fucked left and right and right and left. And all they do is sell art. All they do is sell art. They don't make any of it and they make more money than anybody.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
There's something that he's doing, this effortless confidence and connection to what he's talking about and great material also. So you give him the reins. You're like, oh, this material is so good. I'll give you the reins. Take my brain.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They're not finance majors, which is what we were talking about earlier.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. No. It's kind of funny that the video, like everything is visual. You know, like everything's visual now. There's so much video that people watch, but yet music videos kind of went away.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, it doesn't... It's pretty... I mean, it's like you got a drone and a bunch of people yelling Heil Hitler.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
With AI, you don't even have to have the actual people doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Which is really crazy. Like what you could do now is nuts. My daughter was showing me some stuff that you could do with just photographs where she could take photographs and then she throws them through this filter and then they're dancing around and moving. You're like, this is nuts. Yeah. So all you need is a photograph.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And especially if you chose to have like effects in it, like some sort of psychedelic fucking weird things where things morph and change, it could all could be done with AI now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
These are, I mean, that's... They'll probably have AI write the script, man. I mean, if you're thinking about something like dumbass fucking cop movie, you know, some silly bank heist movie. You got a hero who's going to go in and fucking kill the bad guys.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
You could write that easy with just take... All AI has to do is like, it's a large language model, right? It all has to search through Steve McQueen movies and Tom Hardy movies.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
God damn. Like, look, it looks so good. It looks so good. Like that's not a real person. Isn't that crazy? It's the uncanny valley. It looks a little weird. But getting better all the time and the only reason why it looks weird is because it's so well lit. Like if you wanted to do it like Sin City style. Like Sin City, if Robert Rodriguez wanted to do Sin City today, the whole thing could be AI.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No one would know. That's crazy. These are all fake people. And dude, just a few years ago, you couldn't do hair. Hair was weird. Right. You know?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Fingers, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, I mean, just in a short amount of time, it's incredible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And hair seems like it would take a lot of computing power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
not the way it would it would if yeah you're right you're right yeah yeah yeah you're right yeah it's moving like almost like a little bit of a helmet like that would be a tell like it's a little bit of movement but not enough right a little bit of bounce but not like it's all spray painted like as if if their hair was like sprayed with a shit ton of hairspray yeah couldn't move at all right that would kind of make sense but it's not moving so they all need that scene at the beginning of every of their movies like yeah
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Look at that font. It looks like ancient Sumerian text or something.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
explanation is for that because that's a tell in photographs too right yeah you see a photo you could be like oh look that's got like six fingers well remember that lady the English lady that was missing was her Kate she was missing forever she's like supposedly was sick Kate Middleton she was sick and then there was a photo that was released of her look she's fine everybody's like no this is fucking AI like in the photo like people had six fingers and shit like that's weird stuff that's weird shit in the photo there was like weird clearly edited yeah
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Scratching the surface. Yeah. It's going to be real weird. Actors should really save their money. You're going to be useless in a short amount of time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But also, how are you going to stop China from just making Mel Gibson movies?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I'm going to make a Mel Gibson when he's 35 movie. Fuck off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Fuck off. We're going to put it online. What are you going to do?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Run through 30 different shell companies. You're never going to find who made it. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And it's going to get to a point where it's going to be virtual. So it's like it's going to be inside people's heads. You're going to be able to exist inside the movie. Things are going to get so strange and they're going to be so... immersive so quickly. The Matrix is a decade away.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Where you're in the Amazon and you are barefoot and you feel the ground under your feet and you hear the monkeys and the birds and the bugs and the trees and you hear the sound of a panther nearby. That's going to be real.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
What's that guy's name? Joey Pants from fucking The Matrix when he's eating the steak. He's like, I want to be important. I want to be an important person. Like, yeah, that's what people want to do. They'd rather be an important person in The Matrix. That's so true, man. And we might be in that right now. That's the real mindfuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The real mindfuck is if they can eventually create an artificial reality that's indiscernible, how do you know whether or not you're already in it? And you don't.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But there's a lot of evidence that we are. That we're in it now? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of evidence that reality as we know it is not real, that it's too weird. Quantum entanglement, quantum particles being in superposition, the fact that at a subatomic level everything is kind of magic, like nothing makes any sense.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Also that when you observe things, it changes the behavior of subatomic particles. Like what's that all about? What does that mean? Like no one really knows.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, Patrice always says that about like having babies, like that's his babies.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think consciousness might be responsible for reality instead of consciousness is experiencing reality. I think it might be both things. I think it might be consciousness is experiencing reality as well as consciousness is responsible for reality.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I mean, if anybody should believe in it, it's me. How is it possible that my life was like this?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It doesn't make any sense. I'm just like killing it in a video game.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
No, but it doesn't make sense. This is why for a fighter, the loss must be so fucking unbelievably devastating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's over. And you see champions that keep coming back and keep getting knocked out. You're like, no.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
They can't believe it's over. But I was the winner of the game.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's like a bunch of people that he gave birth to there. 100%, yeah. Yeah, it's super normal. A lot of people have that. But it's interesting how that stuff works, that there's a thing that's going on, which is why live stand-up is so much better than stand-up on television.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Not now. Not anymore. Now reality has shifted. And now, on top of it, you've got brain damage. Oh, fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, that's the worst version. Brain damage is the worst because now the way you interface with reality might be damaged. Sort of like a car with a bad suspension on the highway with the wheels shaking now. Like the way you interface with the universe itself. Changes completely.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So you're taking a gamble. The highest amount of glory possible. It's like winning fights in front of the whole world. I mean, I would only imagine that, like, becoming a UFC champion, and they, you know, put that belt on your waist, and the whole crowd's like, yeah! And people at home are like, fuck yeah! Yeah, yeah. Fuck, and he did it! Holy shit!
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Holy, you text your friends, what a fight! Holy shit! The love that person gets, the accomplishment that person gets. Yeah. But... The price is you're risking the way you interface with reality itself, the brain. You're risking the brain. And you might get out of it like George St. Pierre. George St. Pierre, fine. Handsome, wealthy. Yeah. Perfect, like, intellectually.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
People are like, you're the man still. Bro, still the man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, you know, whenever I talk to him, he's like, Joe Rogan, how was things? Everything is great, buddy. He's all happy. You're like, boy, you fucking really pulled it off. You pulled it off. You really pulled it off. You became a two-division world champion, one of the greatest fighters of all time, and you're fine. Chalk me in that one, them bad boys. Yeah, man. I forgot about them rogues.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I like those. Yeah. Thank you. But for most, it's going to end badly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
The identity is so huge. The identity to be a special person. You don't get to be a special person. Most people don't get to be a special person. And a special fighter is a different kind of special person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's like that's a guy who took the craziest of risks. Like we all know and you know better than anybody how vulnerable the human body is because of your surgery and your injury. Yeah. Fucking horrible. So like imagine if you had a fight and now like you were a big time fighter and you hurt yourself playing basketball with Bert Kreischer.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And then you got to build yourself back up to fight again. But you kind of know that your left arm is kind of still fucked a little bit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. Don't do that. And I, you know, I've had three knee surgeries and I'm having a problem with this left knee that I really hurt. The last time I hurt it pretty bad was skiing. And the last time I skied because I cracked the bone that's at the top of the tibia. But and then I probably messed up the cartilage and shit in there, too. but it's still better than most people's knees.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's better than a regular knee. People are like, how bad is your knee? It's not fucked up compared to your knees, like a regular person's knees. I need my knee to be able to kick 60 miles an hour and do a bag of sand. Yeah. I'm requiring different things from my knees than most people. But I know it's not the same.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And if you're a fighter and you know you got a bum knee, nobody can tell while you're moving around. But you know. And you know your hand breaks easier now. And you know your neck hurts. And you know you got a pinched nerve. And you know your lower back gives out sometimes. And you know your kidneys kind of hurt because you cut weight for too many years.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And you know your memory's not so good anymore. And also, you know, you can't take a punch anymore. Like a lot of guys know that they used to be able to take a great punch, but now you can't get hit. So now you're gun shy. Yeah. You know, did you see Devin Haney's fight last weekend? No. He fought like, you know, Ryan Garcia fucked him up in the last fight and dropped him a bunch of times. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And this fight, like, it looks like he's done. Like he's moving around just like it was just constantly moving. Who did he fight? I forget the gentleman's name, but. There were rounds where neither one of them landed a punch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
He tested positive for some sort of performance-enhancing metabolite at a very low level, by the way. Like not a level where it would be performance-enhancing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So I don't know what happened. He says he didn't take anything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And I think he's also getting sued because, you know, Devin Haney claimed that he won because he was on steroids and that's a bad look. But you could tell it like mind fucked Devin Haney. And a lot of people like totally are writing off Devin Haney now. Which is crazy because I remember when he beat Cambosis, I was like, damn, Devin Haney's slick. He's so good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And now like that guy is just he was just moving constantly and still very skilled boxer. But it just shows you like one devastating loss or an undefeated fighter can fuck you up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And some guys, they come back and they're fine. You know, like Garcia, for instance, like Gervonta Davis fucked him up. Bad. He came back and he was fine.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But then this weekend, or that weekend rather, he fought Roley Romero and Romero dropped him and he lost the decision. So they were going to like set up a big rematch. Now nobody wants to see the rematch because they both lost. They both lost. Well, actually, Devin didn't lose. He won a decision, but he lost public credibility because it was a very boring fight. Mm-hmm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Still an incredibly skillful boxer, a world champion boxer, like very good boxer. But even the commentary, like Antonio Tarver was like, I don't like the way he's moving. His footwork seems erratic. Like everything is like he needs to settle down. Jose Ramirez.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, he won a decision Okay, but it was the the fans lost and this was this big event in Times Square. This is also a big event because I Turkey Al-Ashiq, the guy from Saudi Arabia, his excellency is the guy who's dumping incredible amounts of money into boxing so that he can get these guys to fight each other. So he's like, what do you need for the fight? How much to make this fight happen?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, I need $10 million. Like, done. And they're like, what? Like, fuck, I should ask for 20. It's that kind of a situation because the Saudis have so much money. So Oscar De La Hoya was talking about this and he was saying these guys are spoiled and they're afraid to risk anything. Right. Because the money is so much, which is so interesting. Like you need a guy who's willing to risk it all to
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
to really fucking go for it. And these guys aren't willing to do that. And I think the Devin Haney thing, it's one of those things where you see a guy who is an unbelievably skilled fighter but loses one fight and they're just not the same again.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But he had that fight with Lamont Roach where it was a draw. And there was a legit draw. And, you know, you could even make the argument that Roach won that fight and they're going to fight again. That should be very interesting. But I think it's also for boxers, there's a situation where you can only keep up the RPMs for so long.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
All the greats, they just there's a certain amount of times that you can keep training a certain amount of times you can keep competing. And like we're talking about, like your arm, you know, it's kind of fucked up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That happens with them too. Like the ankles are bad. Something's bad.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's not the same. They're not this. They're not who they used to be. They might look the same, but they can't do what they could do five years ago, six years ago. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. It's a hard sport, man. And, but it's also because the glory is so high. If you're successful, so people are willing to do it. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Thank God. Dude, if the UFC was around when I was competing, I 100% would have done it. And then imagine how dumb I would be now at 57 years old. Oh, I'd be a mess. A lot of staring. Oh, I'd be a lot of drooling. So, hey, you look good. You losing weight? You losing weight? What are you doing? You dieting? My brain would be like a four-cylinder engine, like all fucked up, misfiring.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It is, but I think I got the right amount of brain damage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I think so. I think there's just a certain amount that you get that makes you just a little reckless, just a little crazy. Just a touch. Yeah, just a touch. I just got a – just a touch of brain damage that allows me to be – I like taking – I enjoy risks. Yeah. Like I like them. They're fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Clearly. Also, you don't have any choices. My thought was when I was first starting, I was like, I can't work. I can't do it. But I know I can do things. But I can't show up and do a job all day for the rest of my life. I don't have that in me. I'm allergic to it. I didn't like, I was a latchkey kid. So like I didn't get a lot of like you got to do this, you got to do that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
So the problem is like I developed not having people tell me what to do. So I can't listen.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Also, I was around enough bosses that were just total cunts and douchebags that I just like, in my mind, the boss is an asshole.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Every time. He's unappreciative, fucking idiot who you got to listen to him because he's responsible for your paycheck and he knows it. So he gets to act like a douchebag and you can't go, hey, man, fuck you. Who are you talking to? Why do you talk to people like that? You fucking idiot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah, you would have had to. But that's, you know, how many people don't or they get roped in and then they have a bunch of responsibilities like family.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Is when people get out of stand-up and then they see everybody doing real well and they want to jump back in. And it's been like... I've gotten some messages from some friends that I know they haven't been in stand-up in a decade. And I'm like, you can't just get... You can't just jump back in. No. Well, if you do, you've got to start from the beginning.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Start doing open mic nights again. You've been in the writer's room just writing for a sitcom for fucking eight years.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Yeah. And they're used to making, you know, half a million a year. Yeah. Doing real good. Yeah. And then all of a sudden it all dries up and like, oh, fuck. And then their savings account and the wife's like, what are you going to do? Like, fuck. I think I'm going to start doing stand up again.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
And they start trying to put together an act, and they want to show up, and then the club doesn't know who they are anymore. Oh, God. The anxiety. Scary. It's a scary feeling. It's the worst. But it's like decisions that you make in life, like what are you going to do? Like what are you going to do with your life?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Those are personal decisions, which is why this whole free will versus determinism thing drives me crazy. Because these people that want to believe there is no such thing as free will, like, yeah, you can do that cute little thing. But you know that free will is real because you know that you decide to get up in the morning.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like, you're telling me Jelly Roll didn't have free will to lose that 200 pounds? No shit. Yeah. Perfect example.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Like that's hard to do. Yeah. You're 400 plus pounds. You're fat as fuck. You're drinking and partying every night. And then one day you put your foot down and go, that's it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's enough. I'm getting, I'm going to get healthy. That's free will. Like what you're telling me, determinism, like forced him into a position at 39 years old, where he's all of a sudden going to decide to lose all this weight and has nothing to do with his free will. That's silly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
But then there is also a certain amount of determinism. If you grow up in a terribly abusive household and you're around drug addicts and violence and then you go and commit that, it's almost like you have no other –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
yeah yeah but it's just the choices that you make in this life are that you don't know if it's the right choice while you're doing it while you're making that choice well i'm about to find out whether making this tv show was the right choice no i'll find out do you have to piss it seems like you're wiggling i gotta piss i knew it i knew it should we wrap it up sure listen that what you showed me is amazing i'm sure it's gonna be fucking bad thoughts when is it out
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Fuck yeah. The stuff that I saw is amazing. It's fucking hilarious.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
I'm glad you're doing stuff, man. I'm just glad you're out there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Well, you can tell. You can tell by how well it came out. It's so ridiculous. It's so you. It's such a signature Tom Segura type of humor.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
That's why I used to love working with Joey so much. Yeah. Because two things. One, Joey would make me laugh like while he was on stage. I'd be waiting to go on stage. Instead of thinking about my material and going over everything with a fine tooth comb, I'd just be laughing. And then I'd go on stage laughing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Because like there's nothing grosser than fake laughs. Yeah. When a comedian does the fake laugh thing, it's fucking gross.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
It's just like when you know they've said that fucking same joke the same way every night with the same laugh.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2320 - Tom Segura
Which is fine. I mean, whatever. Do whatever you want. But it's like there's a thing that comes with that that's like, okay, I'm never going to be fully locked in, but maybe I can just appreciate this for, you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You always knew that if you were watching The Strongest Man, if the dude's name was Magnus, he was going to fuck things up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You know, one of those guys is fighting MMA. He's been fighting at Mariusz Pudzianowski. Oh, I remember Mariusz. Yeah, he went from being a strongman to being a really good MMA fighter. I could see that. In the beginning, he was getting fucked up, but he tried to dive in right away. He tried to fight... God, he fought some good fighters right away.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He fought Tim Sylvia, like, really early on. Like, when Tim... Yeah, so he fought Tim Sylvia in his third pro fight, and he got the fuck beaten out of him. Yeah, whatever. Like, that was just... But I never forget. Then he fought Butterbean. He beat Butterbean. He lost to James Thompson, and he beat James Thompson. Oh, well, no contest, it says. Yeah. What a stud. Fought Bob Sapp.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I thought Bob Sapp was, like, taking kind of dives. Yeah, my buddy used to train with Bob.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because you tie your shoes every fucking day. You know exactly how to tie your shoes. Once you learn how to tie your shoes, it's bing. He goes, that's what a jujitsu move is. That's terrifying. It just gets in there. And sometimes you don't know it's happening until it's happened. Like all of a sudden you have a triangle. Like, whoa.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
See if you can find him now, though. He's slimmed down considerably. He still looks fucking huge. But as an MMA fighter now, he's, yeah. See there? Click on that picture. No, the other one. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
still terrifying go what above it right above it yeah but oh what year is that oh because it's blurry does it say that it's 22 years old 2002 okay see if you can find uh some footage of him actually fighting maybe there's some i'm sure he's got some high there he is right there so he's on his knees oh here we go
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But at least he's throwing correctly, hands up high, and this is all technical work here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, why is that poor little fellow arm wrestling? I mean, look how big that human is. Jesus Christ. Look at his hand. Yeah. Oh, my God. Look at that photo. That's Big Daddy Goodridge, who's an MMA fighter. Look at the hand holding the table in the front. Look at the size of that fucking thing. Wild, right? Yeah. If you could teach that guy how to throw a jab, you'd fuck a lot of people up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No, I did not. That'd have been cool. Yeah, I would have liked to have met him. That'd have been cool. I met Hulk Hogan twice. Did you? I met him once when he was super tall. Well, I met him multiple times, but I met him once when he was super tall, and then now he's just like regular big. Really? Yeah, because he's lost, like, five or six inches of height for his back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, he's just getting compressed? All of his back is all, like, fused. Wow. His whole back is fused. He's so fucked. How many surgeries did he say he had, Jamie? Some crazy amount of back surgeries.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. It's just you've done it so many times that when someone overextends or when someone gives up their neck, it just cinches up. It's just one of those things where your whole nervous system is just pre-programmed to these very specific movements.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, his whole back is fucked. Like, he walked through the cane. It's rough.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No, I didn't get a chance to talk to him very much. I interviewed him once for – I think it was Spike TV when I was doing the UFC thing. I interviewed him. It was fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Did you, have you ever paid any attention to the old catch wrestling guys? No. What's that? Okay. Catch wrestling was catch as catch can, which is what they used to call it, I think, when they were in England. And then when they came over to America, it was called catch. What it was was basically wrestling with submissions.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And there were certain rules, like you could pin a guy or you could submit him and they could tap. And there was a few guys that were legendary for their strength and conditioning routines. No way. Yeah, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Josh Barnett learned under Carl Gotch, and Gotch was famous for having this unbelievable gauntlet of strength and conditioning work that you had to be able to get through before he would even train you. Really? Yeah. He went over to Japan, and Gotch trained a lot of guys. There was a lot of catch wrestling influence. What era was that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, when you go back to the early days of catchphrases, go Farmer Burns because Farmer Burns was like one of the – what is this? What am I watching here? What is Catch As Catch Can? So these guys – Was that George Hackenschmidt?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Makes sense because a lot of these – Hack squad. Carl Gotch and Hackenschmidt were duking it out at Comiskey Park. Yeah. And they would have wrestling matches, but they were real matches. Wow. And then somewhere along the line, they started doing carnival matches. And then these carnival matches, they had regular people that they would find, and they would have predetermined outcomes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Then it became pro wrestling, and that's where pro wrestling was given birth to. It was out of this necessity to kind of rig the matches. Right. You're getting the Wahoo choppers. See, these are kind of enthusiasts that are doing it now, like in a modern setting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But the guys who really know the stuff, like Josh Barnett has tapped out some legit Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belts in competition with catch wrestling techniques. It's like Kimuras, Americanas. That's cool. They call that a double wrist lock, though. They have different terminology for some of the same moves.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But Farmer Burns was this guy that was – he was so legendary with his strength and conditioning that he would hang from a tree. He would literally like hang himself. Like hang. His neck. His neck was so built up and he was a small guy. He was like 160 pounds. But he was so jacked and he literally had like a pit bull neck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
There's photos of him where he would do this stunt where he would hang by the neck in front of crowds. Like look at him. That's him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But you know how fucking strong your neck has to be? And not just hang sometimes. Hang like all the time. Look at his neck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Look at his fucking neck. But he knew that, you know, if your neck is weak, your body's weak, your core is weak. If someone collar ties you and you got a neck like that, you can resist it and you could work your shit. Yeah. Anything that hangs out of your t-shirt, you better train. There was a bunch of those guys back in those days that just had these incredible strength and conditioning programs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And the best guys are the guys that drill constantly and then also study and take notes. Like Gordon Ryan. That's his belt up there. Oh, that's dope. Gordon trains 365 days a year. 365 days a year. And he doesn't take any days off. And he trains all fucking day long. So if you want to beat him, good luck. Because you have to catch those numbers. You have to bypass those numbers somehow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And they used a lot of things like steel maces. Yep. Like Carl Gotch was – see if you can find Carl Gotch strength and conditioning routine. Because even like as an older man when he was teaching people stuff, he would show how he maneuvered these – You know, these big fucking aces. Super impressive stuff. Yeah, but it's maneuvering something, not necessarily lifting it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
All that functional strength stuff. He would have those guys do 500 bodyweight squats every day. Every day. Oh, that's cool. So here's him back then. Oh, gosh. And a lot of it was like Hindu push-ups. Look how flexible he was. For a big fucking giant dude. Yeah. Like super flexible. So they realized that... You know, like we were talking about, technique is very important, but also strength.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. And so he'd make these guys do these crazy wrestler's bridges. And look at how you could do that. Like support yourself and pull yourself back up like that. So the kind of like resist against necks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So these guys would have these unbelievably grueling physical sessions and then they do their technique.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, also, you just had to be in phenomenal shape because in wrestling, you know, that's the first thing that goes. You must have ridiculous conditioning to be an elite wrestler. Look at the size of his fucking legs, dude. So Carl Gotch was just like super famous for this. He's in Japan here teaching these guys. Wow. And obviously this is black and white. It's just a long time ago.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Does it say who he's working with? Inoki. That's Inoki. Oh, wow. Wow. Of course, Inoki who fought Muhammad Ali. Oh, okay, right. You ever see that fight? No. Oh, my God. It was like some crazy scam fight where Inoki just dropped to his back. Yeah, work his neck. So he's lifting him up with his neck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So Inoki had this fight with Muhammad Ali, and Muhammad Ali's trying to punch him, and Inoki just goes to his back and kicks his legs. So he fucked Muhammad Ali's legs up. They were really fucked up for quite a while after that. Yeah. So this is what they did. He just kicked his knees and kicked his legs. Yikes. And Ali's like, what the fuck?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And it's in Japan, and they're paying him a ton of money to do it. So the referee has to separate him. And the referee is Judo Gene LaBelle. No way. Yeah, so Judo Gene LaBelle's the referee. And Inoki's just lying on his back kicking him. And he's kicking him with, like, roundhouse kicks. Like, look at this. So he's fucking Ali's legs up, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
When you're a guy who makes his living off of his footwork, which was Ali, like, this was super dangerous. Look, he's getting him in a leg lock.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No, it was some weird hybrid fight that, you know, I think Ali just needed money and they talked him into doing this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, sort of, but this was real. Inoki was really trying to hurt him. He really did kick the shit out of his legs. And Ali really, see if you can find any articles on Ali's legs after the Inoki bout. I think he really fucked his legs up because he didn't know how to check kicks. He didn't know what to even do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And all of a sudden this guy's on his back, roundhouse kicking his legs and stomping at his knees. Yeah. So who knows if his knees got hyperextended, he tore his meniscus. Who knows what the fuck happened there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Finally, the 15th round, they call it a draw. Wow. Ali is bleeding from the legs. He gets an infection in his legs, and he almost has to have an amputation. Holy shit. Extended stay in the hospital was the best case scenario coming out of the fight. Wow. So Muhammad Ali suffering two blood clots and an infection in his leg from Inoki's vicious grounded kicks, according to the sweet science. Wow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
wow when he finally did so look at this so he said he continued his tour of asia despite this competing in exhibition matches in south korea and the philippines before returning to the united states when he finally did get back to the u.s ali needed to stay in los angeles hospital for multiple weeks to recover from injuries sustained in the enoki fight holy man he put him on ice man they were concerned ali's injuries could even be life-threatening well that's staph infection
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's not like he's not... It's not like he's not intelligent. It's not like he's not physically strong. So he's got all those attributes already. And then you have this insane work ethic along with dedication to technique. Yes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He was bleeding from the legs, got an infection in his legs, almost had to have an amputation. Bro, staph infections are fucking terrifying. Have you had one? Yeah. Yeah, I've had two.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
How long do you have to take the blood thinners for before it dissolves?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
There's no better way? Can't they pull that out of there or something?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Exactly. And you just can't. And so there's too many guys in jujitsu that were just like big muscle heads that would just like muscle a move and just give a lot of grunt. And you're never going to beat a technique guy who's just as strong as you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
What would have happened, though, if you didn't get that vein diluted with the blood thinners or that blood clot? Something would kick loose.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Also knows exactly where to be. Like you might not know exactly where to be because you've gotten away with a lot of stuff because you're big. Because you're big and you're strong and you've pushed through stuff. Like big guys on their back. Like there's a lot of big guys. They get on their back and they become turtles. They don't know what to do because they never get put on their back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's interesting how you can get completely caught up in one goal to the point where you don't see anything else in life and you just miss out on a giant chunk of life. But if you want to be the best at something, it's kind of the tradeoff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, you could be in the same weight class as Jon Jones. Right. And you're just like, I picked the wrong hero to be alive, right? Yeah. There's Mike Tyson in 1986. Whoops. So you want to be a heavyweight boxer. Oh, no.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's pretty dope. And you were telling me that this was originally like you came up with this idea from an older machine that's not.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're like, oh, the things I really want to be Levi Morgan. There's a long road. It's a long road.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. Long ass road. And like if you want to beat Gordon Ryan, you're probably never going to catch him because he's already still doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Where it gets real tricky with some people is if maybe it's a thing that's not a competitive thing and you can keep doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like my friend Gary Clark Jr., when he records albums, he goes crazy. And he locks himself in the studio and he's there for like fucking 12 hours, like every day. And it drives his family nuts. He's just like constantly working on his music because to him, like... He wants to be all in. Yes. That's where he lives. That's where he creates this great music, when he's all in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because if they're training – if you're a guy who's 250 pounds and you're in a normal jiu-jitsu gym – What are the odds there's another 250-pound guy there? Most guys are 190, 200, maybe there's a 210. There's not a lot of really big guys.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And you could sacrifice all the other things in your life. You're not going to work out. You're not going to go on trips. All you're doing is just whatever that thing is. Maybe it's painting. Maybe it's writing books. Whatever it is, you're all in. And although it's beautiful, I don't know if I'm that guy. You don't have to be. And that's why I had to look at myself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
If you're looking at the universe, if you look at the greater picture of everything, it's not really important what you do here in this life. But for you, it is. And the problem is if you're compelled to try to be number one and you don't really chase it, you're always going to have that thing in the back of your head. I never really went for it. At least you went for it for a long time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And that's the thing. Like that I think is the best way. Go for something and then – but know when to stop. That's where it was for me. Yeah. Don't be a 70-year-old dude out there in the Olympics throwing a hammer. Please don't. Please don't.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Did he keep training the entire time? Like how did he be able to come back?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
At the end, like when he was like 70, how far away was he from guys who were 30?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And he just generally – So how many age class world records did he hold?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's rare. It's rare. So you usually can push these guys onto their back, and that's easier to do. So you probably do that more often, and you like smashing people, so you smash all these people. But the problem is then you never develop a bottom game. You never develop a guard. You never develop ability to get out from under a big guy and do it technically. Get that under hook.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's interesting when you watch the way different people live their life because you could see benefits and you could see where it would be a detriment to the rest of your life. And it allows us to look through these mythical creatures like that guy, these John Jones type characters, these Carl Gotches and go, but is that what I want to do? Correct. You should know what you want to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Don't get tricked into doing something you don't want to do because there's people out there that really want to do that. And if you don't really want to do that, you're never going to beat them anyway.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You got one foot in, guess what, bitch? That foot's going to be snatched up by a crocodile.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, you can't compete with a really obsessed, talented person if you're not really obsessed and talented.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, that doesn't sound like you're going to get anywhere and you're not going to be interesting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, that's the problem. Like you're not going to attract other interesting people because they're not going to want to be around you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Work for a deep half. Figure a way to get back up to your feet. You're just always used to overpowering people. And then when someone's bigger than you, you're fucked.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
What are they doing with the guts? How are they eating it?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I've always thought about it. Yeah. Yeah. Because like when you open up an elk, you look at it like, can you eat this? Like, what does this taste like? Have you eaten heart?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I love heart. I eat lung. I mean, liver rather. I eat the liver and I eat the heart. Yeah. But it seems like lungs are no, I've never heard anybody.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You know what I know a lot of guys do? They take the caul fat and then they chop up meat and then they'll wrap it in the caul fat and put it on the grill. Rinella did that, didn't he?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So when you say you're lying, what did you mean by that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, first of all, you're not going to eat it. You could. I mean I know dudes who eat mountain lion. It's delicious. Yeah, sure. Mountain lion is actually really good. According to everybody that I know that's eaten it, they're not lion. There's people that are iffy on bear.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They know how to cook it. But the reality of lion is I don't think anybody's out there eating African lions.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
If they didn't exist, you'd be pumped. Like if somebody put one of those in a movie, like what a cool, awesome animal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm not interested in that. I'm not interested in going to hunt something that's inedible. I just don't get it. I get how people want to do it, but I feel like the same about fishing. I kind of want to catch stuff that you can't eat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
What's your favorite thing to fish? I mean, if I really had the time and I don't, it would be like salmon fishing in a river. Really? That's the most fun because they're so big and they're so strong and the way they jump. And there's something about rivers. Like, ocean's cool. I love ocean fishing, but it's, like, less personal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I mean, I always lifted a little bit of weights. I always worked out a little bit, but I was more into kickboxing than anything. But when I started doing jiu-jitsu, I was like, oh, being strong is like a big advantage. It's a huge advantage. Yeah. Which is interesting because I was watching this video where these guys were talking about this, these wrestlers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
There's something about being on a small boat on a river and you hook a salmon and it's like. Oh, yeah. You see it jump. Like, my friend Ari and I, we went up to Anchorage a few years back, and we did a show. We did some salmon fishing. It was really fun. And then I've done a lot of trout fishing. I love bass fishing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Dude, I went to Mexico once, and we went mahi-mahi fishing, and then they cooked it within an hour of us catching it. I was like, oh my God, this is so much better than any fish I've ever had before. And then you realize that the more time it waits after it's dead, it goes to supermarkets, sits on a shelf, you lose all that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The flavor of them right when they pull up, I'm like, this is the best fish I've ever had in my life. It's incredible. It was so delicious. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And they were saying that wrestling has always acknowledged that power is really important. But for some reason, jiu-jitsu, they would like to pretend that it's not important, that technique is everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's like the guys out here that hunt over deer feeders. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It does work. It works. But they'll tell you like, well, we hunt, but it's kind of like farming.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's not elk. No, it's definitely. I mean, you're sitting down the whole day waiting, eating chips. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. There's a lot of that, like the ground blind guys like to sit in ground blinds all day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The thing about pigs out here too is like they actually have to hunt them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So like you're actually doing a service to the environment by getting food.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And if you get a good butcher that can turn that into sausage, it's fucking fantastic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Do you know that guy? He's a cook. He's on YouTube. What is his name? Guga? G-U-G-A? Guga Foods? He's always cooking steak, like different ways to cook steak. But the other way he did it the other day was he marinated it in buttermilk for like a week. What?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like with the Gracies and with like – I think technique is more important, right? Because if a guy doesn't have technique and he has strength and you have technique, you can beat him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, took a steak, marinated it in buttermilk for a week, and when he pulled the steak out, you could see the buttermilk was breaking the steak down. That's at Guga Foods. That dude. See if you can find his buttermilk steak one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, he cooks a brisket in Coca-Cola. This guy is every human way possible to cook a steak. This guy's done it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I got taught that by Chad from Whiskey Bent Barbecue. He says that the best way, particularly for wild game, without a doubt it's the best way for wild game, take it. So here it is with buttermilk. So he did it one for 24 hours, and he did one of them where he sat in the buttermilk for a week, and he said it was sensational.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That's awesome. This guy knows how to cook some fucking steak. Yeah, let's do it. My way is I like to use either Traeger or the best way, honestly, if I have the time, is I use an offset grill with actual hardwood. So I'll cook, get some live oak in there, and I'll get it up to about 250 degrees, and then I'll put the steaks in there with meter thermometers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And I get it internally up to about 120, and then either I sear it on a cast iron pan, or I also have one of those infrared things. What are those called again? Yeah. Fuck, they sent it to me. I should shout them out. I know who Sean Baker uses them all the time, but it's like a tray. Sean's awesome. Yeah, he's great. And it runs on gas.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And so you just slide it in there and it's like an overhead grill. What is it called? Auto wild grill.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Right. But you also can't discount a guy who's really fucking strong with technique.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
70 years old. He's fucking throwing insane weight around. No TRT. No nothing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, do you really? Yeah, we used to compete. He's a big fucking dude, man. He's a monster. And he's very smart. He is. And anybody who says you can't only eat meat, you need to pay attention to him because that's all he eats. And he looks super fucking healthy. And he's doing jujitsu and training. And he's older than me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He eats steaks all day long. That's all he eats. He doesn't even take vitamins, I don't think.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And they're not mutually exclusive. No. Like a lot of guys who are really fucking strong also know how to grapple. And that's a giant problem.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. It's legit. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't do it all the time. I'll eat pasta if I feel like it. I'll have vegetables if I feel like it. But I would say 90% of my food is meat. Yeah. Meat or eggs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I think that's the most nutrient-dense food. My body reacts better when I'm not running on carbohydrates. I'm running on ketones or when your body processes protein and turns it into glucose, which is like – just more regulated for me. You do whatever you want, but I would say try it. If you're a person that eats meat, I would say give it a shot. Just give it a month. One month.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I did one time I lost 12 pounds. I felt fucking great. I had all this energy, and I was like, oh, okay, I'm poisoning myself. I'm limiting my performance, at least my mental performance.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I eat fruit. So what Paul does is he incorporates fruit, honey and raw dairy with meat. OK. And then Sean just eats meat. Yeah. But – I can't imagine an argument where fruit's bad for you. I would say don't eat all the fruit. That's the problem. Have a couple oranges or have a couple bananas or a bowl of blueberries with some yogurt. Why is that bad? It can't be bad. It can't be bad, right? No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They're good for you. They're filled with vitamins. They taste good. It's also enjoyable to eat a piece of melon. It tastes good. It's fun. Again, I'm not trying to be the goat at not eating blueberries. I think the number one thing is don't eat bullshit. And when you go on a carnivore diet, you are automatically cutting out a lot of bullshit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're cutting out a lot of enriched wheat and processed fucking grains and all this bullshit. And you're cutting out pesticides that might be on your shit. There's a lot of things you're cutting out when you're just eating steak.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I turned them into sausages, and I cooked the backstraps in butter and garlic. Backstraps in butter and garlic. Dude. That's one that a lot of times I just like to cook on a cast iron pan.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Especially whitetail. There's something about whitetail tenderloins with butter and garlic. That is hard to beat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And you feel fantastic. It's unbelievable. You feel the vitamins in the meat. That's what an animal is supposed to make you feel like when you eat it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
People are so silly when it comes to... I know people don't even eat their elk. They don't eat their elk. They go elk hunting and then they donate it to the church. It's a lot of work for... They just like to hunt. Which, I mean, I guess it's okay because you're providing people with free food and it doesn't go to waste. But... It's the best food in the world, and you're not eating it?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, the best. That seems so crazy to me. I cook up every week. I cook up a bunch of elk meat in a bunch of different ways, and then I have it in the fridge. So that's my meal prep for the week. I saw that. Do you eat it cold? Cold with hot sauce.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That's what I like to do. I like to take a plate, put some meat on there, dump some hot sauce on the plate, and just dip it in the hot sauce and eat it cold.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, I like it hot. I actually have my own little collaboration that I did with Senor Lechuga.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Three different hot sauces. One of them comes from my friend Andrew at Half Face Blades. He had one. It was so good. But I said, can I include that one? Because I'm doing a collaboration. We made an agreement. So it's like it has the Half Face Blades logo on it as well. That's with sun-dried peppers. I saw that. Tell you what all the stuff is. Go to the Senor Lechuga site.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Give him that knife. So heirloom tomatoes, winter truffle, and reapers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. That's Andy's. And that one fucking rules. But the other ones rule, too. The habanero, urfa chili, paprika. That's a fucking banger. But these are hot, hot sauces.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Seniorlechuga.com. Sweet. Seniorlechugahotsauce.com. Awesome. Have you ever done a deer leg?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
If you can't. I'm not like a hot hot. I'm like a tasty. It's tasty. Okay. But it's going to fuck you up if you're not ready. It's really like that. Yeah, it's real. That guy makes hot sauce. It's got Reapers in it. It's legit. It kicks your ass. I sweat. My kids make fun of me because I'm bald. So when I sweat, it's just pouring down my face. They're like, what is wrong with you? I'm a sweater.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Where did that come from? Was that a weapon at one point in time?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You know what I want to do? I'm supposed to hunt with Rinella in March.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm sure you could do that with any other wild game, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It has all kinds of... So there it is. Two bottles of private reserve, our flagship sauce. Oh, it's the sauce. Well, it's the sauce, yeah. He won't tell you what's in the sauce. One bottle of red wine, Cabernet or Zinfandel will work, depending on if you're non-binary. Salt and pepper to taste. One quarter cup to one half bottle of rosemary-infused olive oil. Boy, that's a big gap.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Quarter cup to a half bottle. It's like a glug, glug, glug.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Sounds pretty fucking good. Dude, it's... I think we did like three hours and 20 minutes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It was a lot of fun, man. Thank you very much. Thanks for your awesome equipment, too. Thanks. I just tell everybody you outfitted my gym at home. It's fucking incredible. Thanks, man. Keeps me from going nuts. It's the best. I love all your equipment. It's fucking so fantastic. You know what I use almost every day is that FrankenHyper. Yeah. That thing is so versatile. Back feeling better?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, it's so great. It's such a good device because you can do reverse hypers. You can do back extensions. You can do sit-ups off of it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, okay. Well, you're very innovative, man. Your stuff is really cool. Thank you. It means a lot. And you've also outfitted the whole UFC PI Center. Go there. It's all Sorenix shit. It's cool. You're trying, man. Whenever I go to a gym and I see Sorenix, it makes me feel happy. It's cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Dude, I was in Scotland last year and there was. What part of Scotland are you in? God, I wish I could remember. I'm not exactly. Up in the highlands, like all the rural stuff in Aberdeen? I went with some friends and they took us to this place that my friend owns property out there. Naturally. And when we went there, there was a stone circle that is way older than Stonehenge.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's just sitting there in front of this dude's house. And you can go and stand on it. I was like, this is crazy. And it's got like a little monument on it. But no one's stopping you from like walking around on it. And they're not big stones. They're like small stones. But this stone, they're like, I'm like, who made this? I was asking the guy that we were with. He's pretty knowledgeable.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And he's like, no one knows. Wow. It's just left laying around. Yeah. So like Scotland, there you go. Is that it? No, that's not it. But yeah. It's kind of like that. It wasn't nearly as high. They were smaller standing stones. And there's a bunch of them laying around. There's a guide stone on the ground. How old is that? That's probably thousands of years old. Wow. But nobody knows.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They don't know who made the stone, who put it there. It's just a guide stone. So if you were on a trail through the Scottish Highlands, you would find these rocks. We're on the right place, lad. Yeah. And there's this fucking stone that's been there for 3,000 years or whatever. Like, they don't even know how old it is. And it's just sitting there. Isn't that so cool, though?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But it's a crazy thing. It was, like, across the street from this guy's house. So he's got, like, this normal house, and there's a little street. And then across the street from his house is this stone circle that's, like, who knows how fucking old. Nope, it's not that either.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Maybe you were just really high. Maybe you were in actually England. Oh, I was totally sober. Look at that image right there. How weird is that one? So cool. The Ring of Brodger. How do you say that? Brodger? They have some sweet names over there, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
What's going on, man? Good to see you, man. Thank you very much for that extraordinary piece of athletic equipment you brought to the gym. Absolutely. Is there a photo of that so we can show people what it looks like?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The Ring of Brodger. Like, what did they do in that ring? How many goats died in that ring? A lot of fights. How many fucking people got sacrificed in that ring? I mean, thousands and thousands of years ago.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It seems like it's almost been honed. Doesn't it seem like it was polished to that size?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And so I – That would be a good sport if you were a trans woman.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm not interested in going anywhere where that guy's running.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He's one of my best friends. He's a complete psychopath.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, it's so cool today because there's so much social media and there's so many videos and YouTube videos of people using equipment. Yeah. 15, 20 years ago, you had to go to a gym and go, oh, what is that? Oh, that's cool. Where'd you get that? How's that work?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He's also addicted to exercise. He's addicted to cardio.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I think that's a state of mind that a lot of those distance runners get in that they get really, really addicted to. And there's a runner's high. Have you experienced that? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, long cardio sessions. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, you've got like that power strength throwing background. It doesn't really benefit you to be really into cardio. Yeah. It probably would diminish some of your strength.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That doesn't look like it works out at all? That's the one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. I have a golden rule when it comes to taking advice. I don't take advice from anybody who looks like shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
If you look like shit, I'm not taking advice. I know you had like some physical problems, right? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And also, if you want to be a power lifter or if you want to do some just completely power-focused exercise, it does not benefit you to spend time getting in extreme cardiovascular shape like you do need to do with the kind of running that Cam does.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, I mean there's different things of different requirements. But if you want to be a mountain elk hunter, what he does is very beneficial.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I have a bad left knee that's really bothered me the last few years. And I just twisted it again this September.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That was another problem. That was from overuse of, no, it's just being stupid. That's overuse of archery. What? Yeah, because I have two bows. I have a bow that's 84 pounds and a bow that's 90 pounds. So I'm pulling these 90-pound bows 100 times a day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, yeah. Oh, you have to. Yeah. For that moment when like a fucking giant bull walks in between the trees and you have a 70-yard shot, you have to 100% be confident that you can make that shot. And so I'm shooting at 84 yards over and over. Over and over and over. I'm obsessive, but the problem was I developed like tendinitis in my lower back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So it's overuse from the stabilizing, from like holding yourself. So it's the pulling. Well, I'm sure that's it, but it's also holding it right there in that position. And it's all in my right lower back. But it's much, much better now. I started doing this thing called NuFit. Okay. Talked about it the other day with Derek.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Where they're doing electrical muscular stimulation while you go through exercises. It's really helpful.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, but it's very strong. So this is... And you can crank up the intensity. So this is some of the shit. Like if you saw Mike Tyson when he was training for Jake Paul, he was doing that. Like... What I think it's really good for, I don't know if it's good for a lot of these things, but it's really good for rehabilitation. Sure. For rehabilitation, I think there's tremendous benefits to it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And I bet there's some benefits for athletes for working on specific things and doing it while you're getting juiced up. Man, for me, it's helped me quite a bit pretty quickly too, like three weeks later.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No, they're firing a lot of different parts of your back. So it's like both sides of my back, my obliques, my core. and just going through a bunch of rotational exercises and a bunch of different things to strengthen lower back. You're getting a lot of blood flow through there and stretching it. I was getting pain, and I was like, shut up, pussy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And I would just ignore the pain, and then it just got bad. It got bad to the point where my hips were getting kind of numb. And when I was hiking up hills in October, when I was hunting in October, it was bothering me a lot. I was like, okay, I've got to really do something about this now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's a lot better now. And it's only been three weeks. Oh, that's great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
My knee is still fucked, but not totally. What's the knee from? It's mostly soft tissue. I twisted it. I twisted it crossing slippery ground in September. and I've had a lot of problems with it. I've had two knee surgeries. I had my ACL reconstructed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I had a meniscus piece removed, and then when I was skiing, the last time I skied, last and final time I ever skied, this lady didn't know how to ski, and she, like, slid into the trail, and I had to try to not wipe out, not hit her, rather, and I wiped out, and I got what's called the insufficiency fracture.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So the bone fractured at the top of my shin, my fibula, or my tibia, rather, right where the cartilage is. And so, yeah, that created quite a bit of pain. And then I twisted it again one time when I was about to get on stage. It's a hard one to play off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
At Stubbs, I was going to Stubbs, which is like this outside concert venue, and I was looking at my phone to turn my voice recorder on so I could record. And as I was doing that, I twisted my knee on this concrete step, just yanked the shit out of it to the point where my leg was shaking while I was on stage because I was in pain. It looked like I was super nervous, but it was really just pain.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I get excited. I think anything you do that you really care about, you should get excited.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Doing exciting things is really fun. And it's so important for you to grow as a human. Do something that scares the shit out of you. Do something that excites you. Do something that's difficult. Yes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, that's what it is with everything. I mean, I think it's these processes of like recognizing there's a goal, working towards it, solving problems, working hard, pushing yourself through discipline. That's how you grow. And it's like that's how everything grows, right? This is how your mind grows. This is how your body grows. This is how your life grows. Like you have to do stuff that's hard.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then you get better at doing stuff that's hard. And that's how you get better. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But when that alarm clock goes off, it's so hard to know that. You know all these things, but the force of the bed, the gravity of that warm bed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, especially like shout out to people who live in like Alaska.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
First hunt I ever did was with Steve Rinell in Montana. Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It was nine degrees. Nine degrees in the morning. We're just like. Jesus Christ, this is so cold.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, it was a life-changing experience. But, you know, one of those things where, you know, you realize like, wow, where would we be without houses? And it was only, by the way, it was only, I think, October. It was October of 2012. I'm pretty sure it was October. And it was already nine degrees in Montana. Like, what was it like in February for these poor fucks?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
How many people got super confused by that show and bought a house there and they're like, what is this? Why is the ground solid? Exactly. Oh, I love it. He's like, this is fantastic. Especially someone who's never lived in the real north before. You don't know what happens when your ground freezes. The ground is a piece of rock. So if you fall on it, it's a rock.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, I remember when I was competing, they would tell you to not lift weights, which is so hilarious. You don't get muscle down, Joe. They used to say that. They used to say it will slow you down and you'll become tight. Yeah. And I remember thinking, like, why don't you just stretch if you're tight? Yeah, so horsepower makes the car slower? It didn't make any sense to me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's a different way to live. That's for sure. But I was talking with this gentleman yesterday, Rick Strassman. Oh, cool. He's a scientist. Yeah. But we were talking about the time where he was living in Alaska and he was living in Alaska and he lived in Southern California and then he moved to Fairbanks where it's 39 degrees below zero. And he's like, what the hell?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then it's dark for like 10 hours. Everyone's depressed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Vitamin D lights. Not dark for 10 hours rather. It's only light for four hours.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's light for four hours. So it's dark for 20 hours. Yeah. Fuck that. You've been to Alaska a lot, I would think. You like it? I like the people up there. They're hardy. That's a good way to put it. They're a different kind of human.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, you don't want to get caught outside with some fucking bullshit flip-flops.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You know, you're friends with Tyler from Archer Country. Tyler's always walking around everywhere with flip-flops.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
If you're in Alaska and you have flip-flops, you're going to die. Your feet are going to freeze off. You're going to have no feet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Alaska's big, man. I don't know. Well, you see how big it is and you lay it over the country.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Imagine those poor fools that had to hunt with traditional bows, no binos, no spotting scopes. Dude, did anything get killed? No wind checker, no range finder, no apps. I have apps. I have everything. Oh, yeah. I have a range finder that syncs up with my app. Of course you do. I haven't even set it up yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I do. See, here's the problem. I have a Leupold rangefinder. I really like Leupold's full draw. The reason why I like it is because it'll show you the arc of your arrow. This is how nerdy it is, folks. So my arrows go... 294 feet per second. How heavy? These are 475, 475 grains. And you calculate all this stuff. You put all this stuff into the range finder.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's like they thought that the only exercise you should do is martial arts itself. Just hit the bag, you know, train.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And the range finder knows exactly how heavy your arrow is, exactly what the peak of it's going to be as it comes off your bow, how fast it's going, and it gives you a line. So that line. So if I'm shooting through a gap in some trees, and I actually did this a couple years ago. Did you? I actually did it when I had a Garmin rangefinder, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So the Garmin is a rangefinding site, which is pretty badass. I've always wanted to play with one of those. It kept fucking up, though. And apparently they're getting better, but they fucked me a couple times. And it would fuck me on my range. I'd be at full draw on my range, and I know it's 84 yards, and I press the button, and I'm not getting a range. And I press the button again.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So you would press the button, and it would give you a red dot. When it works... it's the greatest thing of all time, because it's like a pistol. You see that red dot, that clear lens, and then that dot, it's the best sight picture of all time, of all time. Everything else, like the post or the side post, they get a little in the way, just a touch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Not bad, I can deal with it, but that red dot was fucking amazing. so uh i shot this i'll show you the bull afterwards i shot this big bull and he was coming through this gap and i wasn't sure if the arrow was going to make it there so i pulled out the second rangefinder and i clicked on that and i got the height of the arrow i knew i could make it and then i used the range finding site
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
so a man that knows his tools the opposite of these guys with their traditional bow point like i'm you know i'm using technology sure so the new loophole doe the problem is it doesn't have this this height thing in it but the new one when you range an animal with onyx hunt so you arrange the animal and it mark puts a pin down where that animal is yeah i actually had the
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That's crazy. It was awesome. That's crazy because you can go back to the actual spot where he was.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Something 500. 500, yeah, something like that. See if you can find it, Jamie.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I love Leupold's shit. I just wish their glass was as good as Swarovski's. I say that about everybody. Vortex makes awesome binos. For the money, you can't beat them. Especially their HDX series, those really high-end ones. Those are fucking great. Until you pick up those NL Pures and you're like, fuck. It's almost like I wish I never looked through them. That's it. The RX 5000.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, that thing is badass. It's pretty dope. So it does. It syncs up with your Onyx Hunt. So you could show me how it works there. What's really good about that is not just you know where the animal is, so if you have to go around somewhere and get back to them, you'll be able to get back. If you're trying to get away from the wind.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I feel like this is more designed, though, for the rifle hunter. And this is like they're even showing guys like going 2,000 yards with this thing. I feel like for the bow hunter, they just need to add, maybe they'll just make it too big, but add that height of arrow technology. I don't know why they wouldn't put that in there. Because I can't use it. I need that. That is so huge for elk hunting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I think it was Evander Holyfield. I think it was Mackie Shillstone trained Evander Holyfield when he went up to heavyweight. And I remember myself at the time – so this was in the 90s. I remember thinking, what is he doing? He's lifting weights. He's going to fuck himself up. Doesn't he know that all these coaches have already figured it out? Right. And then all of a sudden Evander got all these –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
For me, it's like gaps are everything. I want to be able to be sneaky and just make my way around a tree. Just give me this. Give me this much. And if I know that the arrow is never going to hit the top or the bottom, I'm golden. And I have full confidence. Because otherwise it's a mind fuck. Because I'm sure you've had arrows hit branches before. Oh, yeah. It sucks so hard when you whack.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yes. Well, the TBR is to the right. Yeah. That one is a similar one. That was like. I don't think that's as sophisticated, though, and I don't think that has the app. I think the RX one's the only one with the app, but I have that one, the Full Draw 5. I don't go anywhere without that. It's the shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That is, to me, I've had a bunch of different ones that were really cool, like Aaron Schneider turned me on to this Nikon a while back that was image stabilizing. That was a game changer. That's a big deal, because you could really get it right on the animal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Sometimes when you're looking at something that's really far off, you're like, I don't know if that's a good bull. Is that worth chasing? The 12s make all the difference in the world. But what I do is I grab my baseball hat. I learned this trick from Remy Warren. Oh, that's a good idea. So what you do is you. Remy's a killing son of a gun. He's a killing son of a mother.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You clip that sucker down tight so your hat's on tight. And then I'll do this. And I'll hold my binos right here. Or take my bow and put it here and then stack it on top of the bow. Press the bow up against your chest so it's not going to go anywhere. And then stack it on top of the cam of the bow. A lot of guys do that. Sure. But Remy taught me this one. And I think this one's super legit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Just hold on to your hat. Super fast, too. And you can tuck your elbows in like this and you can really keep it stable. If I couldn't do that, I wouldn't use 12s. But I don't think I'm going to use 12s anymore anyway. Really? No, I think 10s are the way to go. Maybe even 8s because you get a bigger field of view. Yeah. Because a lot of times I'm seeing stuff through trees and I'm sneaking around.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like I like to – I'm a big spot and stalk guy. I've tried a bunch of different hunting. I've tried ground blind. I tree stand hunted with Dudley. That, you can go fuck yourself with that. Sitting in those trees all day? Fuck that. I am way too ADHD for that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, I'm crazy. I'm definitely crazy. I don't like it. I don't like being up there in a tree like that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Traps and shoulders. Dude, he was trapped and delted out. He got jacked. And he became a legitimate heavyweight. Also, pretty sure there were some Mexican supplements involved. Yeah, he might have gone across the border.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're just sitting. Also, you don't realize, like, if it's 30 degrees out, like, 30 degrees is no big deal. You can walk around 30 degrees. But as soon as you're sitting there in 30 degrees, you get so fucking cold.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because you're not moving. So you're not generating any heat at all.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So then you're in this stupid body warmer suit that zips up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's a big old oven. And my hands are in here. But the problem with that is if a deer comes in, you've got to zip. Oh, yeah. All the stuff. You've got to make all that noise. You've got to get out of it. All this movement. Grab your bow. Yeah. So you really shouldn't do that. So you try to go with a puffy, but you're still freezing. So then I started doing Bruce Lee exercises while I'm up there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
One thing I realized, I was so cold I had a hard time pulling my bow back once. I was going to shoot this deer, and I was up in that stand for like four or five hours. Yeah, in Iowa. And I go to pull that bow back. I'm like, Jesus.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I had a 95-pound bow for a while. Oh, I remember when he made you that one. I couldn't draw it on my knees. I had to stand up. You know how I found that out? Because you couldn't. Because I was on my knees right behind a bush, and an elk walked behind me. I'm like, fuck. God damn it. You're like, that was super helpful. And I was in a weird spot, too, where I could only lean on my left leg, too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So it was like I was on my knee, but I was even on my left knee. It was like a fucked up elk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, I was like, my right knee was up like this. My left knee was down there. I was like, this is bullshit. Yeah. That bow was crazy. It would shoot 540 grain arrows, 305 feet per second.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
bro when it hits it was just like like i remember we were shooting at the deseret and we were all shooting at 100 yards just me and a couple of these guys yeah and uh they shot first and then i shot and the guys go what the fuck are you shooting because the bow was the ke was still rolling at that point he goes that bow is so flat what is that i'm like this is a 95 pound bow it was the dumbest thing ever i remember you sent me he's like this thing's preposterous it was so dumb
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It also had a really short brace height, so it was super sketchy. So if you moved your hand, it was so unforgiving that if you moved your hand even slightly, you were off target by six inches.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It was so dangerous. Not dangerous, really, but you just wouldn't – I wouldn't trust it. You know, I killed a couple animals with it, and then I stopped trusting. Yeah, and you get to put it on the wall and go, like— Well, then I went to an 80-pound bow from Hoyt, and I was like, oh, my God, this is so much better. It was, like, 15%, 20% more accurate. I was like, that thing is just too sketchy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The 90s were a good time. I think it's a strong possibility that there was some help. Because also, you never heard of anybody testing positive for steroids back then.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Oh, yeah, man. I need some extra horsepower at 28 and a quarter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That's great. Guys like Randy Ulmer, he likes 265 to 280. He thinks that's the range where the arrows are the most accurate. There's this thing about having too much fucking whip Yep. You know, there's too much and it's almost like... You get too much flex on the arrow. You have a lot of flex on the arrows and it's probably more subject to wind drift when they're flexing like that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That makes sense that it would be just like arrows. Yep. Because for folks at home, say if you have a 50-pound bow, you could probably get away with a 320 green arrow, 330, 350.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And I know for a fact that some of those guys were on steroids. Sure.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So the higher the number, the more flexible the spine of the arrow is and the lighter the arrow will be. So I shoot a 250. So it's like a nice stiff – because of all that kinetic energy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Exactly. But it's – To me, it's all about... I've heard arguments before. People say, oh, you don't need that much bow power. Shut your fucking dirty little skinny mouth. Because the only reason why you would say that is because you can't pull that back. That's the only reason. And if you think that...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
70 pounds to you is the same as 70 pounds to me and you don't work out that's just dumb that doesn't make any sense yeah it's like saying well you don't need a 500 pound deadlift to look yeah but it's nice yeah but if you can't squat 500 pounds and you have to squat 500 pounds you can't do it i can so shut the fuck up it's nice to have in your pocket shut your dirty little
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. Because all that is is you're just saying there's virtue in being physically weak, and that's stupid. That's stupid. Do you need to be able to pull back 80 pounds to kill an elk? No. If you can't pull back 80 pounds and you're really accurate with 60 pounds and you have a cut-on contact broadhead, you can be successful. But I'm going through that whole animal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm getting a pass through on a giant animal, and you're probably not going to. And I think it's more important to be able to have the most ultimately lethal setup possible. I learned this from Cam. He's my mentor. He's the guy who taught me how to bow hunt. And his whole thing is he shoots a 90-pound bow as well. It's like the most amount of power, and you want to make a big fucking hole.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's more advantage. If Formula One drivers figured out a way to get a 4,000 horsepower engine and have it handle, they would win. They would win.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. Literally, that's how Francis Ngannou became the heavyweight champion of the world. Fuck, it's harder than anybody.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Do you know who caused it to be illegal? Joe Biden. No shit. Yep. That motherfucker. It was all him. Yeah. You know, Derek from More Plates, More Dates was telling us about it the other day. I'm like that motherfucker. He did it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, it does. The way it takes away from the sport is if you're sore from lifting weights, you're not going to train as effectively. That's just a fact.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And that's why Gordon Ryan can train 365 days a year. He's open about it. He's open about his use because they don't test for steroids in jiu-jitsu. So he's a wizard. That's interesting. So he's like a pragmatist.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But have you ever seen Gordon? You ever seen him with his shirt off?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Give me one of them photos of Gordon looking like a Greek god.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. I mean, when you have that and then you have a genius level IQ and then on top of that, this big shit eating grin on his face. And then you have a guy who trains 365 days a year who also works on technique constantly. That's how you have the greatest of all time. Yeah. But by the way, all those guys like Galval, the guy who was on the bottom there, he's on the juice too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, this is a great argument to this idea of power being necessary, like with jiu-jitsu and grappling. If you have technique like Gordon's and you're built like him, yeah, giant advantage. Giant advantage to be super strong always. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
One thing, though, that is really important, this actually really pays off. If you can train with a guy who's small. Like if you can learn jujitsu with a guy who's small, you'll learn the best jujitsu. Why is that? Because they have to use technique. They have to use leverage. Like you're a big fucking strong guy. If you learn jujitsu, you could use that strength.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You could squish people's necks and throw them on the ground and grab their arms and stuff like that. But a small guy can never do that. So if you can learn jiu-jitsu from like a Barrett Yoshida or a Hoyler Gracie or Eddie Bravo or there's a few of those. Gabe, Gabe Tuttle, who teaches over here at 10th Planet. Small guy jiu-jitsu is the best jiu-jitsu because it has to be razor sharp. Yep.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because they don't have the physical strength like overpower an arm and get you into a certain position just from raw horsepower. They have to like sneak it in there with leverage and they have to do everything perfectly. So those guys, if you learn jiu-jitsu from them, you're going to learn like the most technical jiu-jitsu.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, it's always good to learn young because, first of all, it becomes a natural part of your movement. Like it's like as your body matures, your body's – I think it's more important with striking than anything. It's very rare that someone learns how to strike while they're already physically mature and can ever reach the level of like a Floyd Mayweather. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, I guess the idea is that people could abuse it, right? Right. Here's the deal, folks. You can abuse almost everything. Sure. This is my argument against online gambling. You know, there's a lot of people that think online gambling should be banned because so many people are losing money on online gambling. Shh. Shut the fuck up. Do you know how easy it is to not online gamble? It's so easy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because that guy, as he was a child, his body, his reflexes developed striking. And he's just got this –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
massive encyclopedia of information that's available to him he knows exactly when he sees you do this he knows that straight left is coming and he knows all he has to do is do this and he knows the counter is going to be there when you go to look for the right hand afterwards he's just got it all programmed it's all just like right in there for you to build that up after you're 28
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like, you're going to be – you're never going to be at his level. You're not – you kind of have to – unless you're some physical freak, which they do exist.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Pull it up, Jamie. Isn't that nice to say that? Yes, man. It's fun, right? It's big. So this is the machine.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You know where I really noticed that? With kicking. When I teach people kicking, there's certain things that they have a really hard time doing fluidly. Sequence of force. The big ones is like anything that requires spinning.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like if you look at a good MMA fighter that doesn't have like a Taekwondo background and you teach them how to throw a wheel kick, they'll never be able to throw a wheel kick like a real Taekwondo black belt. There's certain guys.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
that, like, as they're young, they're developing these spinning techniques, and they just got it wired in, their whole nervous system just... And it's so smooth and fluid that the power is so extraordinary.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And, you know, I've taught people that were, like, elite MMA fighters, and I try to teach them how to throw things like a spinning back kick, for instance, and it takes a long time for them... Even, like, John Jones' one that he landed... like on Stipe, that guy's a freak. Like that guy is like what we're talking about.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like there's some guys you can teach them things when they're in their 30s and they can develop it like someone who's been doing it their whole life. But that's a rare exception. Another rare exception I was thinking was Alex Pereira. Alex didn't really start striking until he was like 21 years old. He didn't even start training.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Really? Yeah. So he's, like, hoisting tires and hammering tires down and setting wheels. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You know how easy it is? I've never online gambled. It makes two of us. That's how easy it is to not online gamble.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
To develop rotational strength. Right. You're throwing hammers down. I mean, he's doing this eight hours a day, all day long. So, like, think about how many tires he's hammered. Right? Yeah. That's not a training thing for him. Francis Ngannou, when he was a child, worked in a sand mine. So he's fucking digging sand all the time. He's just, ah! His body's just, as he's developing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Also, massive physical specimen, right? So he's like 6'6", or 6'5", whatever he is. 265 natural. built like a fucking Greek god, like a statue. And his whole body's developing as he's a young man digging sand. And the anger you have. I can't believe I have to dig this fucking sand.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He really is like a guy from a movie. in a sand and then becomes a heavyweight champion of the world was homeless.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm not discounting the fact that gambling is addictive. I personally know gambling addicts. One of my best friends, Dana White, is a fucking gambling addict. He happens to be insanely wealthy, so he can get away with it. That helps. I grew up in pool halls. I know gambling addicts. I get it. I'm not one. Yeah. So it's possible to like fucking have some self-control and discipline and willpower.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
His life story told on the podcast about making his trek. Like he just decided he has to leave Cameroon. And I was like, what are you going to do? You can't go anywhere. And he went through the fucking desert. all the way to Morocco and then gets in a raft and does it seven different times. He gets arrested, gets taken into custody. They bring him into the middle of the desert, drop him off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He goes right back to Morocco, walks through, hitches rides. Took him a year and a half.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
How about he has one boxing fight and he knocks down the heavyweight champion of the world and one of the greatest heavyweight boxers of all time. He hits him with a left hook and drops him and almost won. I thought he won the decision. It was over. I was like, they're going to give it to him. I think he won the decision. He was battering him in the eighth round. He dropped him in the second.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm like, I think he won. And a lot of people thought he won. Yeah. And he came that close, that fucking close.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
There's a little bit of that and I think to be – To be really charitable, I think Tyson Fury probably didn't think that he had a chance. I think Tyson Fury probably didn't train as hard as he would have trained if he thought that Francis was a real threat. Right. I think he probably thought, I'm going to box this guy's fucking face off. How could this MMA fighter? And then he gets hit with one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
them hammers yeah thud he gets left hooked in the side of his head he's like what the fuck did this guy just hit me with and he's on his ass as the heavyweight champion of the world fighting a guy with zero professional fights that was his first ever pro fight his second ever pro round and he drops one of the greatest heavyweights in the history of the game you i think my here's my uh mount rushmore of heavyweight boxers
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Mike Tyson's number one. Mike Tyson from 1986 to like 1990, there was not, or 88, whatever it was. It was a few years before the wheels came off because he was just going crazy and partying and fighting with syphilis and shit. He was a maniac.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But that guy, the guy who knocked out Michael Spinks, the guy who knocked out Larry Holmes, the guy who won the title from Trevor Burbick, I think that guy's the greatest heavyweight fighter of all time. He was a juggernaut, man. The guy who knocked out Marvis Frazier, that's the scariest version of Tyson ever. The Marvis Frazier version.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, I was doing a little boxing myself, and I was a giant boxing fan. He was a freak. He was a very unusual thing. Because every other heavyweight was kind of slow, and even if they could hit hard, they were lumbering. He was bobbing and weaving and moving, and he was a small heavyweight. Wasn't even six feet tall. So he's built like a brick shithouse. He's got a 20-inch neck. Cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He's 220 pounds, moves like a guy who's 150, and he's throwing lightning bolts at your central nervous system. Just blang. He's hitting you to the body and your fucking legs are shutting off. He was a monster. I just think you can't maintain that forever. And I think I always, when I look at fighters, I try to look at them like when they were white hot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Just burning hot at the highest level that they could achieve. What was that like? I feel like as great as Muhammad Ali was, man, I just don't see him surviving.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No, no. I see, like, Henry Cooper dropped Ali back when he was Cassius Clay with a left hook, and they cheated to get him out of the round. Ah. Custom model cut his gloves, so they had to take his glove off and replace the gloves. They gave him all this recovery time. You ever seen that Henry Cooper fight? Henry Cooper was a bad man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He was this British boxer, this guy from England who had a nasty left hook, and he caught Cassius Clay just bap!
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
perfect one and it's like leg and he's like slumps down the ropes he was dunsville but it was at the end of the round and then angelo dundee i mean that guy had been around the block yeah cut these fucking gloves see if you can find that jamie because it's a it's a great it's a crazy fork in the road in history right because if they don't cheat likely he gets stopped
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Crazy. It's strange. Do you know crack is everywhere and it's a scourge of humanity?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Likely, Henry Cooper, who landed the perfect left hook, hits him with a couple more, and that's it. He's done. He looks done already. Watch this. Henry Cooper had a nasty left hook. Bro, look how he's down there. That's not regular down. That's fucked up down. That's like real trouble, but it's the very end of the round. Look at this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But look how he goes down. That's Dunsville. So if that's a minute earlier, if he gets hit with that, the whole thing changes. Right. The whole thing changes. He's not undefeated when he fights Sonny Liston. He's not this unstoppable force.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And that can happen. And there are fighters that I have seen in the UFC that I go, this guy could be the next fill in the blank. This guy could be the next great welterweight champion, the next great lightweight champion. And then they have one fight. And in one fight, something happens. They get hit with a flying knee or they get head kicked or something happens. And then.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Their whole path changes. And you're like, wow. If that guy wasn't overmatched, if he didn't fight that guy. This is the difference between boxing and the UFC. The UFC is like, when you're ready, come to us. And you're going to fight the best. Wow. Boxing is like, we're going to build you. Mm-hmm.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
We're going to take you and you're going to fight a few guys that are like real slick, but they don't have power. And then you're going to fight a big guy with a lot of power, but he doesn't have any endurance. Yeah. And they're like, he's ready for this now. You know, if you have a really good trainer like Tyson Fury's trainer, Sugar Hill. He's analyzing your movements.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, it's a brilliant machine, man. The idea that you could push and pull rotational power machine. It really is a genius idea, man. And for things like striking sports, that's huge. Like the ability to push and pull at the same time while stabilizing your core. I mean that is undoubtedly going to – help people like, you're definitely gonna be able to deliver more power in strikes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He's breaking down things. He's figuring out what to change, what not to change, when to back you off of training. You're a little too hot right now. Let's not peak too soon because we've got two weeks before the fight. I want you to take a day off. Take a day off. I'm ready to fucking eat nails. No, no, no. They know exactly, and then they're like, he's ready for this level of competition.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So they'll give you a guy that'll offer you some struggles, some tests. Maybe he's got a big punch, and you might lose the fight, but you're most likely going to win, and this is how you find out if a guy's going to make it. You slowly move them. So there's a lot of boxers. By the time they're fighting for the title, they're 14-0, 16-0, 18-0. Charles Oliveira.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I mean, what is Charles Oliveira's record? Let's see Charles Oliveira's record. So Charles Oliveira, when he became the lightweight champion, he had a ton of losses in the UFC. He got stopped by Paul Felder. He got stopped by Cub Swanson KO'd him. He got, I think, I'm pretty sure Jim Miller knee-barred him. So what is his record? Jim's a freak. Look at that. 35-10. Okay? And so...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Out of those 10, a few of them have been recently. Scroll back up to the top, please. So the Islam Makachev, he loses the title. And then Armand Saroukian, he loses a split decision. I thought he won that fight, by the way. But it was close. So those are the two out of those 10. So that means as a champion, he had eight fucking losses. Eight losses. And some of them brutal knockouts.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because you're in there with the Lions, with all the Lions. And so the UFC is like, who's the baddest Lion? Let's figure it out. You want to be in the UFC? You win a few fights. We're going to throw you in. Or if it's last short notice, short notice fight. Let's go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I didn't think it was like a real thing. Since I was in high school. I've never... Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is kind of crazy because I know so many people who do coke. Yeah. But I was at a party in high school the last time I saw someone doing coke. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your world. Yeah, my world. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And the thing you find out, too, is that the level at the UFC, as great as some of these guys look in these other organizations, the level at the UFC, that's the peak. Those are the greatest fighters on the planet. There's no arguing about it. And we found out about that this past weekend because Alexandre Pantoja, who might be the best pound-for-pound fighter alive, he's the flyweight champion.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He fought this dude Kai Asakura from Japan who's a fucking assassin. But Pantoja just ate him alive. Just ate him alive. And he got caught with a couple good shots, too. A couple good knees to the body. And, you know, Kai Asakura is a really good fighter. But the level was just different. Like, Pantoja just, he strangled him. But it was just the way he did it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I mean, he was fucking him up on the feet. He was fucking him up everywhere. He was just pushing him in this, like, insane pace. You watch those little guys fight. They fight like pit bulls, man. Just like wild scrambles where they're moving so fast. You're trying to call the fight. Me and Daniel were talking about it during the commentary. We have to recalibrate our brains.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because you will go from a heavyweight fight to a flyweight fight. Like, whoa.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Somebody sent me a clip of someone, some political person talking about one of the guests on the show. And I was like, what is wrong with the clip? And then I had to realize, oh, they got it on speeded up version.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, I see how that could help. But for me, I'm not reading books on tape or listening to books on tape for anything other than my own enjoyment and education. So for me, I'm enjoying it. So I like to think about the things, and I'll have more time to think about what this person is saying if they're not going at one and a half speed.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because if they're going at one and a half speed and going one concept to the next, then I'm like, wait a minute, I don't understand what you're saying. Then I have to back up. I like to think about stuff. So it's like, especially if I'm listening to something esoteric or really weird, which is a lot of the stuff that I listen to.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
If I'm not listening to fiction, I'm probably listening to a book on physics or something.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
When it came time to make a website, there was no question that we would power it with Squarespace. From the intuitive design intelligence that helps to create a bespoke digital identity to the seamless payment options that can help give your customers more ways to pay, or the fact that you can measure your end-to-end online performance with powerful website and seller analytics.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He's the fucking man. The thing about his books on tape, though, is you're locked into Ray Porter forever. Some new person starts reading.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like, who is this guy? This is bullshit. Yeah. You can't have this guy doing it. The guy's amazing. I'm used to all the voices. Rafe is a good voice. Yeah, he's got a South African accent. Yeah, I know. You know who else is really good? Who's the guy who does the Gray Man series? There's a guy who does, you ever listen to the Gray Man series? I'm so addicted. Mark Graney writes them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They're so ultra violent. They're so fucking crazy. They're so crazy. It's about a CIA hitman. It was like a singleton guy they send all around. Dude, it's so, like they made a movie about it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That guy's really good. He does really good girl voices too. It's just weird. But those fucking books, man, they are so ultra-violent. They're so crazy. They're so crazy. Sometimes I listen to them and I have to shut them off before I go to bed. If I listen to them, I like to take the sauna before I go to bed. And so if I'm listening to a book on cosmology, that's great. It's interesting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Go to bed and think about space. That's kind of cool. But if I'm listening to some gray man before I go to bed, I'm like, I gotta shut this off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, people getting their fucking eyeballs... giant swords shoved through their eyeballs, getting blown up, grenades in their mouth. Like, hey.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I was just like, oh, yeah. Probably loads his own bullets.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I've made the mistake of looking at social media before I go to bed and I get mad or I get upset or I get sad or I find out some weird shit that's going on in the world. Yeah. And when I was younger, I'd read things that people would say about me, and I'd be like, oh, my God. Like, what is this asshole? That's not true. And you get all upset.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The reasons to power your website with Squarespace are endless. So if you're looking to build or even upgrade your current website, check out squarespace.com for a free trial or go to squarespace.com slash rogan to save 10% off your first website or domain purchase. Yeah. Well, I don't do anything like that. I don't ever fuck around. I've never done coke. I never even thought about doing it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then I realized, like, wait, this is just some person. Like, I wouldn't talk to them in real life. Like, why is their opinion more valid? Because it's written down. So then I stopped reading all comments about me. And, oh, my God, it changed everything. Mm-hmm. Changed everything. You do the post and ghost, right? Yes, it's the way to go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I have friends and they'll come to me, like they'll come to the comedy club or something and they'll be like genuinely emotionally distraught because people are attacking them online. I go, but they're not here. Like right here, your friends are here and you're all freaked out. He goes, I know I got to stop reading that stuff. I go, you got to stop reading that stuff. First of all, it's not true.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're really funny. You're a great guy. So it's all bullshit. And they don't know you. So they're just deciding to do this and they know that it fucks with you because you talk openly about it. And so now they're going to accentuate it. Yeah, they're going to keep jabbing at you. They got a rock. There's a window.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
We're whipping them in there. You got to stop doing that, man. And a few guys have listened to me and a few guys haven't. And the guys have listened to me. They all say the same thing. Like, oh, my God, I feel so much better. I'm like, yeah, social media is not the problem.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The problem is either engaging in the anger and the hate or having reading people's anger and hate towards you and having it fuck your head up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But there is some value, right? They do get engagement, right? And if you're a person that has like a YouTube show where all you do is shit on people, you have bad karma for sure. For sure you're suffering. Yeah, but you got to deal with that the rest of your life, like dealing that poison. Right, but you can make a living doing that. Like there are guys who make a living doing that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They're all fucked up. I'm not saying there's value in it. But I do think you make something out, you can create a career doing that. That's part of the problem is that it's effective. Right, like the trolls. Yeah, like it does get engagement. But then, you know, what kind of engagement are you getting? Look, I have people that hate me online, but not the ones who know me. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The people that know me either in real life or through the podcast know I'm a nice person. Right, right. I work really hard at it. I try hard to be a nice person. It's a conscious effort. I'm good at it. I like doing it. I like nice people. I like to be a nice person. It makes me feel good. So I don't engage. I don't fire back at people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
When people get mad at me, even celebrities have attacked me online. I'm like, eh.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Eh. They're just revealing who they are. They're just weak. They're just weak people. They're not the type of person that... If you did that in front of me when you were around me, we could have a conversation about why I feel like you're incorrect. And this assumption that you have of me is totally wrong.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And also, if you're not talking to someone in person and you're saying something about that person, like... you could just kind of form some bullshit narrative. Of course. The person's right there, they'll go, that's not true. So you're saying something, and if it was true, then you'd be justified in your anger.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But what you're saying is not true, and you're taking things completely out of context, and you don't know what you're talking about, and you're doing this because your life sucks. And it's the only time you do it. I've always said, do you think Michael Jordan is posting on YouTube? Is he making comments? No. When he was in...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Guarantee you Michael Jordan reads the comments. And if he did read the comments, he'd be up all night. Anger. You saw that Neil Brennan had a bit about Michael Jordan's documentary on his last Netflix special. It was pretty funny. It's like, unless you want to be the greatest basketball player of all time. Don't hold grudges.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Never had the desire because I was around people that were abusing it when I was in high school. So I was like, okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Unless you want to have $150 million worth of passive income every year because it's a fucking silhouette of you dunking. Unless. Unless. It's a good unless. But again, those are freaks, right? Yeah. These are the outliers. Yeah. These are the people, like, as a rule, as a human being, that's not the way to go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The difference between that in sport versus that in fighting, though, is in fighting, I don't think you can maintain it. No. Like a guy like Jordan, how long was he in his prime? It was a decade, right? At least, yeah. For a decade, he was dominating in basketball.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You can't really do that in fighting. John Jones is the only one that's been able to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The damage to your body is huge. Because there's so much damage that happens just in training. John tore his pec off of his fucking shoulder in training. Yeah, and that wasn't getting hit. That was wrestling. And then there's the impacts that you get. And then there's the back stuff. You get thrown weird. You land on your back weird. You're throwing someone. A knee hits you weird.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Your ribs break all the time. Hands break all the time. Common gym injuries, knee blows out, noses. Everybody's got a broken nose. I don't know anybody who does any kind of combat sports that hasn't broken their nose. After a while, you can't breathe out of your nose. Your nose is destroyed. Your fucking hand hurts when you try to open your car door.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And you have to punch people in the head with it. Your knee hurts going downstairs. Kamaru Usman, you want to hear something crazy? When he walks, he has to walk backwards downstairs because his knees are so bad. Oh, because he can't get the knee over the toe. His knee hurts so bad. And he was a welterweight champion of the world with those knees. And he was talking about it openly.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He was like, oh, you know, you can know. You can know my knees are bad. I'm still going to fuck you up. And he did. He fucked everybody up forever. Until Leon Edwards came. But his knees are so bad that he would have to walk on the grass where everybody was like walking on the sidewalk. He'd have to go over to walk on the grass because just take a little bit of relief. Extra cushion.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Just something. Jeez. Yeah. Bone on bone, man. Yeah. Bone on bone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Everyone in jujitsu. Everyone's got a back problem. Everyone's got a neck problem. It's part of it. Everyone blows a knee out. It's part of it. Yeah. And if, you know, Eddie always used to say, look, you're going to have to get surgery eventually. You're going to have to get surgery. Just get the surgery. Heal up. Come back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They just know I don't want it. Yeah. I think so. I'm just not interested in anything that gives me more confidence. I'm not interested in that. I got plenty of that. I like humility. I'm looking for humility. I don't like confidence boosters. I don't like anything that gives you like a ridiculous sense of like your abilities. Like I'm not – I'd rather be humble.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
My second surgery, I went to this doctor and when I had a bucket handle meniscus tear, so it would lock. You ever have one of those where it locks out? It was fucking brutal. And he was like, you've got to stop doing martial arts. I go, shut the fuck up. I go, you don't know what you're talking about. I go, fix this. He was like, when you're older. I'm like, yeah, when I'm older.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like right now, I'm 30 years old. Fix my fucking knee. I got to go strangle people. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? Stop doing this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Do they fix it differently depending on like who you are? I don't know. I just felt better about saying it. I tell you what, they got a lot better.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, I tell everybody, if you have an opportunity to get an ACL reconstruction, please at least try the cadaver graft. I know a lot of people want to do that patella tendon graft because you don't have the risk of rejection. I don't know anybody who's had a rejection from the cadaver. I do know people who have pushed it too hard too early and then re-blown it. Ah, okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm not familiar. It's really kind of interesting. You get this. So my right knee, when I blew my ACL out, they take a cadaver, like I have a dead dude's Achilles tendon, which is much thicker. I don't know his name. I hope it was a... Kind of like Francis Ngannou. Yeah, you're like, that's some stud. Just fucking animal. Just giant Viking dude. So it's thicker. It's 150% stronger than a real ACL.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And so they screw that in place. And then it's not like you have this dead guy's thing in there forever. What happens is your body re-proliferates. It acts as a scaffolding. So it can feel like it's secure, but it's really vulnerable. So you have to be super careful. Up until like that six-month mark when it should be re-proliferated.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Exactly. You eat that dead guy's Achilles with your knee.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
This right knee is amazing. The left knee, I had a patella tendon graft because I had that one done in 93 or 94. Okay. And that one back then, that's the only way they did it. But it was really good. But it took a long time to heal. Like it was a long time before I could kneel down on the ground. Like if I had to kneel down and put my knees on the ground.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because they take a piece of bone out of your shin. And they take a piece of bone out of your kneecap. And then they take a slice out of your patella tendon. And they pull that off. And they open you up like a fish. And they fucking drill it into your shin bone and drill it into your fibula. That's good. Love that. Your tibia and your femur, rather. Yeah. And it's like... Wrap it over.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They get it in there, and then it's like a year before it feels like you could do anything with it. It took a while before I felt like I really trusted it, but I do have to say I was not as diligent with my rehabilitation back then as I was... when I got this one done. With this one, I was, I rehabbed it all myself. I didn't, I went to like one or two of these things.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm like, they're just showing me things I already know how to do. I'm like, I know what to do. I'm just going to do this. I'm going to do it all day. So I was doing body weight squats like all day long. And I got it to six months later, I was training again, full blast, no problems.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
There was nothing available back then. Oh, wow. So this was 2003 that I got this one done. Nice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Super legit. It's super legit along with TB-500. Apparently that combination of those two together is the most effective. Yeah. Super effective. And, you know, there's a lot of people that resist that for some strange reason. I don't know. I think I think there's a bit of ego involved in not knowing something when you're an expert.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I find that with there's a real problem with, unfortunately, some orthopedic surgeons. Aaron Rogers was explaining this to me that his doctors were telling him not to do stem cells after he got his Achilles fixed. He's like, what are you talking about? Like, shut the fuck up. And so, of course, he did stem cells. And, of course, he went to ways to well.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Definitely. I think it gets you pretty far and then your fucking wheels come off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And, of course, he was back three months earlier than they thought he could ever be. And, you know, there was, like, some real thought at the end of that season that he was probably going to be able to play. Everybody's like, this is nuts. Like, nobody recovers from this that fast. But he was very smart and he didn't push it too far. Yep. Actually follow Brigham and all this stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But, yeah, stem cells work. There's a reason why you have to go down to Tijuana to get the good ones because they fucking work.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They get their degree, and then they're in practice all day. They're constantly working on people. People are coming in the door. This guy blew his ankle out. This guy's got a fucking blown shoulder. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Have you ever seen a guy on a motorcycle and you see when they do that and you're like, no!
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, there's enough of these guys that are super smart and also jacked like these Andrew Huberman guys and super smart guys that are into bodybuilding. world, super smart guys like Derek from More Plates, More Dates. He's the best example because he's just a fucking encyclopedia of data and studies and efficacy and how you combine things together. And he actually runs a clinic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No, we hung out at his gym. Yeah. And he just introduced me to a bunch of freaks and showed me all the stuff that he invented and why he invented it. So cool. Louie Simmons, he was the fucking man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He was so funny. He was such a character. He was telling me about how he got his shoulder blown, got his shoulder replaced. And then immediately when he got back to the gym, they made him max out and bench. And I was like, what are you talking about? You need to recover. They were like, don't be a pussy. You have to max out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I should have brought that up. I wanted to bring it up so bad.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You know, that's so interesting because one of the guys who trained with Louie was Matt the Immortal Brown. Matt the Immortal Brown, I know he did some training with him. And I've always said that there's something about guys that used to be addicts that have, like, died and Matt died. And there's been a few guys that I know like that that came back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He's one of the rare guys that was like a child actor that turned out really awesome.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They were the scariest fucking people because they had crossed over and then they realized there's a good addiction. The good addiction is to training. Just be completely addicted to training.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That happens with fighters when they retire. And then also they're generally dealing with some issues mentally from impacts. And so a lot of those guys start drinking. They start doing coke.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, it's crazy with him because he's actually done it a bunch of times and it worked, right? Weird. So this attitude he's developed over time to just accept the fact that this person might come in 16 cores lights deep.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
these male-oriented alpha characters that all get together and they're all butting heads and trying to figure out who's the baddest motherfucker around them. They also develop a culture of acceptance of certain aspects of life that come with the injuries and pain and suffering. You know, like wrestlers, they like brag on suffering the most. They want to suffer more than anybody.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because everybody that I know, and I know a few people personally that were famous as a young person, they're out of their fucking mind. They're like, you know what I say? It's like, look at him. Hey, I have a good memory. Look at me. How old was he back then? He was probably 17 or 18. That's so crazy. Well, he's two years younger than me, 85. In 85, I was 18. So he's probably like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I was on my 14th mile at 4.30. Yeah, just drag you into deep water. Let's make it worse. That's part of the culture of wrestling is embracing the grind. That's the whole thing. It's like being the guy who can push, being that Cam Haynes motherfucker that does those 340-mile runs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'd probably say that's probably accurate. I think if you had to see – if you had to say like what's the – I've always said that's the foundation of martial arts because the wrestler can decide where the fight takes place. A wrestler – Generally, mentally, they're going to be tougher because they went through the hardest thing when they were a child. The hardest thing as a child is wrestling.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're starving yourself when you're growing. You're dehydrating yourself before matches. You're training and competing dehydrated. You're in a fucking hot room clashing with other alpha males, and you're throwing each other around. It's just the hardest thing. You can staff infections every once in a while. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But that skill is so important, the skill to be able to manipulate bodies and take them down. And if you could teach a wrestler jiu-jitsu, oh, my God, they're so much better at it because they're just so accustomed. It's just they just have to learn a new series of movements to go with this skill set that they already – they're great at controlling bodies.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They live there. And then the other thing is if you can teach a wrestler how to strike, they have such an advantage because you can't take them down and you're worried about them taking you down. So that opens you up to certain shots.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It happens all the time where guys are worried about a takedown and they get blasted because they're thinking this guy could take me down at any moment and then you get hit. It's like another element that they put in that you have to deal with that they don't have to deal with. They're not worried about you taking them down. You're not even going to try.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So they can be completely relaxed with their takedown defense. That's terrifying. Yes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, they also know that they can. You're walking around knowing that you can pick up any guy you want and dump him on his head. And most likely, they have no say in it. There's nothing they can do. You don't get a vote. Yeah, man. If you're around a judo black belt and you're wearing a winter coat, you might as well have a hammer right above your head.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because that guy's just going to use that coat and slam you into the concrete. You're basically helpless. Yeah. If you don't know judo and you tangle up with a real judo black belt, you're going to fly through the air. And you're going to land on the ground with all of his weight and your weight on top of you. And even if you don't bang your head, your whole body is going to be out of air.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You don't know how to land. No. You're going to land. Especially when a guy is controlling the smash. Oh, and he's going to shoulder right into you as he lands. Boom. You're fucked. You're fucked. So that guy's going to look at every person like meat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Were the 80s not so awesome? 80s were pretty cool. Except everybody's worried that Russia was going to blow us up. True story.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, well, that's the other thing about coats and jackets or even a hoodie. You could choke someone so easy with a hoodie.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Just get your thumbs in deep and squeeze it. Yeah, you could choke the shit out of someone if you grab somebody with a hoodie and just drew them in, especially like I said, a leather coat, like a leather coat or a winter coat. Yeah, you get a good grip.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Jay Leno, you're in trouble with that jean shirt. That thing's durable.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You want some shit that tears easy. Like, you want a shirt that already has cuts in it. You're preloaded. You should, like, preload the back of your shirt. Make some cuts in it just in case someone grabs you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because someone can just grab your t-shirt. There's actually a Gracie self-defense thing that was on that I was looking at the other day. It was a really smart move where this woman was showing that you can grab a hold of someone's t-shirt if you're a woman and you're getting attacked by a man. Just grabbing a hold of their t-shirt and then getting your legs around their neck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're jamming your carotid artery, their carotid arteries with your thumb while you're holding a t-shirt and squeezing with your legs. He could put a guy out, especially a guy that doesn't know what's happening and doesn't know how to protect himself. I try. I don't know how to do that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You want to see the worst version of that ever? Rampage Jackson versus Ricardo Arona. Did you ever see that in Pride? Uh-uh. It's the worst-case scenario of holding on to, like, a triangle while a guy picks you up. Yep. And Rampage, in his prime, was a fucking machine. He was so powerful. So he takes this dude who's 200-plus pounds, hoists him over his head, and slams him down like a pillow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So look at this. So he's caught in the triangle. Watch how Rampage does this. Ah. Yep. Bro. That was one of the worst KOs in the history of the sport. Whew. I mean, that dude definitely could have died. He probably got the worst trauma, the worst brain trauma. Did he knee himself in the face too? I think Rampage collided heads with him as well. So it was probably a bunch of shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But Rampage's head went into his. This is a crazy slam, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And this guy was never the same again. Ricardo Arona was never the same again. That is such a crazy. So that all could have been avoided. Like, that's not what you do. When you have a triangle, if you see a guy posturing up, you immediately go under.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
If he's got you in the air, you let go of the fucking triangle. the thing that's holding him in there was him. He's holding himself in there. Because sometimes you can keep it, right? Sometimes you can keep a triangle and you get slammed and it just makes the triangle tighter. But you gotta know when you're way up in the air, you gotta let go. You gotta fully let go and then try to sprawl.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Something has to happen, you have to disrupt this motion, this thing that's happening. And the best way is an underhook. As soon as you feel like he starts to stand up, you hook the leg, and worst case scenario, you transition to a leg bar, you let go of the triangle, you get control of that leg, and you use that leg either to try to submit him or sweep him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But you can never hold onto a triangle if the guy's standing up. It's just, look at that fucking concrete.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And that was like, you know, there's a little bit of springiness to the ground because it's in a ring. Yeah. Still. And there's probably a certain amount of padding on the surface.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And I've walked around in them. There's a little bit, like the UFC has a small amount of foam, like a padding. And it's very important, really, because guys' heads bounce off and they get head kicked. They fall down, their heads bounce off. They get hit with a big right hand or something. You bounce your head. So you can't have a real hard floor. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But it's not soft enough where you want, you know, John Jones power slamming you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No days, actually. That's crazy. Yeah, it's, I mean, to be one of those people that make a living doing that, that is a wild way to go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And you're probably excited by dangerous, scary things. And you're probably pretty good at it, which is why you're fighting professionally. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so you're probably trained in the gym and you realize you're better than most people. Maybe a few amateur fights and fuck a few people up and go, you know, I think I'm the fucking man. Start believing. Yeah. And some of them are right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
John Jones. Every now and then. Every now and then a guy is correct. Like, that's the way you should have went. Yeah. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He's the guy that's like, I feel like Tyson in his prime, you have to have him on the Mount Rushmore. You want to have Jack Dempsey. You want to have Joe Frazier. I mean, it's like a lot of guys who are really good. It's hard to say, like Muhammad Ali, Joe Lewis, Rocky Marciano. There's a lot of like, for me, the one that you can't remove is Tyson. Right, right. So there's a bunch of other ones.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I went to Lanai and, you know, they have the Pineapple Brothers has that archery and I brought my whole family. And then they also have this area where you can go and you can like shoot skeet and you drive like four four wheelers up in the mountains. And then they had like traditional archery like bows and arrows. And I was like, oh, let me try this. I don't know how to fucking aim.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Lennox Lewis in his prime was fucking amazing. Larry Holmes doesn't get the credit he deserves in his prime. There's a lot of guys who are really good heavyweight champions, but you have to have Tyson. Everything else is negotiable. Tyson has to be there in my mind.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I watch a little football. Yeah, I've been watching football lately. I enjoy it. It's fun. Pro or college? I watch high school. Yeah, right. I watch college and I watch pro. I went to an NFL game first time this year. Kind of cool. It was fun. Yeah, I saw the Jets play the Cowboys down in Dallas. That was wild.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's wild when you see the scale of it, you know, the scale of it, the size of the arena. You've been to many college games before? A few, a few UT games.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, they should have been paying those fucking kids a long-ass time ago. They should retroactively pay all those kids. That would be interesting. They should. They should. They were making money off of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That blows my mind. But meanwhile, they're right. You know who else should be doing that? The fucking Olympics. The fucking Olympics. They should all say, fuck you, pay me. They really should. That's the greatest scam in all of competitive sports.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, they can. Meanwhile, what you mean is the NBA players can represent the United States and play in the Olympics. That's cute. But what about the swimmers? What about the people? What about the gymnasts? What about the boxers? Those fucking, all those people should get paid. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They used to do that with the UFC. You used to be able to have sponsors.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, man. That's the dark days, the early days. No one knew what was going on. No one really knew what was effective. You saw some people were effective one way, and you thought that's the way to go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Kids will never understand how difficult it was to see fucked up things when we were young. It was hard. Really hard. You had to try hard. You had to, like, know somebody.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You had to know somebody in the city. Someone in some dark warehouse that had a copy of some Barnyard Betty video.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm terrible at it. I was like, I'm a good archer. I should be good at this. Or I thought. I could barely hit the fucking target from 20 yards away.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I remember when we were kids, someone had a video. I think it was like a Barnyard Betty type video, like when them ladies have sex with a bunch of animals. I haven't seen that. And one of us had to watch the door. So if we had a video like that and we're playing in the basement, one of us had to go up to the top of the staircase and wait by the door so that no one could just open the door.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So if they opened the door, you would pretend like, oh, I was just coming through the door. So you hold it out of the door so they can't get in. Like, oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. And then the kids downstairs would hear that, and they'd pop the tape out and pretend they were playing Atari or some shit. Atari. You got to pop that fucking tape out quick.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because if mom caught you down there watching a chick blow a German Shepherd. Yeah, that didn't pan out. And they were like real grainy, like copies of copies. You know, like two guys get together with two VCRs and they record tapes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I lived in the suburbs. I lived in Newton. Newton is a suburb of Massachusetts. Okay. Boston. Yeah. Did you live in New Jersey at one point? Yeah, that's where I was born. Oh, yeah. So was my dad. What part? Hillside. Have you seen all these UFOs in New Jersey lately? No. Yeah, like over the last few days, there's been this steady stream. They're not UFOs. They're drones.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But a lot of people have been. But they're not moving in any extraordinary way. They look like drones. They do. It just looks like a bunch of assholes thinks it's fun to put drones up everywhere. But now there's all this weird mythology attached to it where the governor was saying sometimes as soon as we put eyes on them, they take off. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But if I was a UFO, though, like if I was an alien and I knew that a bunch of people are trying to be smart asses and they're putting these drones in the sky, I'd be like, perfect time to visit. Oh, yeah. These dipshits won't know the difference.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I don't have to use my cloaking technology. I could just fly over their head and they're going to assume this is more nonsense.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I mean – I've never heard of a – Jamie, have you ever heard of a video file that self-destructs? That's like some Mission Impossible shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Right. It's like Aaron Snyder type dudes. Yeah. Who are so good at compound archery they get tired of it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, that would be problematic because then they would have access to things on your phone. I doubt that's ever a case. More likely would be they put like a time that someone could watch the video into the video where it's valid. It's probably still fixable if someone still has it. Well, this dude took the video.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I don't know, man. It might be real, though. I've never heard of that happening, though, which I would assume that I would have heard of something like that, especially with the amount of people that I talk to that are in the UFO world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Right, and then they think it's the UFOs. That makes sense.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Okay, Google this. Is it possible to make a self-destructing video... that only has a certain amount of plays in it. Oh, that'd be cool. Right? Like, maybe you could code it into the video that once this video plays for, you know, whatever, 14 minutes. If 14 minutes of play, it automatically decodes itself. You know, it randomizes. Because it's basically just information, right? Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because I know there's certain things like someone will send you something on Instagram and you can watch the video, but then you can't go back and watch it again. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. That's how Alex Jones likes to roll. He sends you voice messages and they go away. That's probably a really good idea for him. Yeah. Smart move. Best not to have a paper trail. I don't even know like how much of that encrypted messaging stuff works.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I know when Tucker was saying that he was organizing that meeting with Putin in Russia and that the government called him up because they knew that he was meeting Putin because they had access to his signal. And he was like, what? You have access to – I didn't even know someone could get into my signal. I thought that was encrypted. Nope. Nope. They can get in there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So it's like how much of this stuff is really – How much of it is really encrypted and protected, and how much would they even let you know if they can break it? Why would they even tell you? Well, that's the whole point. It's like, it's exactly what you would say that you couldn't do it. Exactly. Yeah, that's... But that was, they fucking spilled the beans. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, at Archery Country, the local – archery shop here in town whenever I get a new bow or I get a new sight and I have to sight it in we go to their they have an indoor range and a lot of times in the indoor range there's these dorks sorry folks dorks with recurves And they're fucking – they're at 20 yards. Their spread is like my arm length. It's wild. They're barely hitting the target.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So once they spilled the beans, like I know a lot of people, including Elon Musk, started questioning signal. Sure. So I talked to someone in the government and I said, what can you handle signal? Like how does someone is as long as the state actor knows the phone number was the answer. So all they have to do is know your phone number. So if they know your phone number and you have signal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Game over, boys. I'm sure they probably need to ask somebody if they can do it. It's probably not something they can just do. But if an agent is like, Bert Soren's acting a little fucking fishy. Let's see what he's signaling to his friends.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then whatever you carry in your notes and whatever is in your folders or your photos. They're going to all kinds of ballistics. For sure. They've got all this weird crap.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You got dick pics? They got dick pics. All of it. They have your dick pics. It's like there's no way around that anymore. I think that's a myth. The idea that somehow or another you could have some sort of a protection from that happening today. Are you making phone calls? You are. Okay. Are you on a network? Are you on Wi-Fi? I think you're fucked. Yeah, you would have to think so. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, that's also how they got Huawei banned from the United States. Because I remember, you know, I'm a bit of a phone nerd. And back in the day, Huawei had the best phones. Their phones were like way more advanced than some of the American Android phones that were coming out. Yeah, man. They had... Incredible cameras and big battery life and crazy Zoom possibilities.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And I was looking to get this new Huawei phone. Sure. And then Huawei got banned from the United States. And I was like, what?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It does, but when they kind of all agree, there was very little pushback that there was real security problems with these phones, and not just phones, but network devices, routers, different components that had third-party entrants. So they had the capability of accessing information that's being transferred back and forth on a network through these routers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then I think people are like, hey, why is that in there? And then they realize, oh, the Chinese government is in complete cahoots with Huawei. Like if you own a company like Huawei, you're down with the government. You have to be. That's how you stay in business. You can't be some rebel out there operating on your own, making billions of dollars, creating –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
When you played me that, I was like, holy shit. This is exactly what happened.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But that doesn't make any sense because I'm pretty sure we just found it online.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. He just, no notes, just spitting out all that information right off the top of his head. That's, you've had some.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That's the best part about it, right? That's the weirdest part. It was all an accident. It's like 100%. Like I just felt like this is what I should do. I should start a podcast and then I should keep doing it. Even when it was totally non-profitable for like five years. I was like, I like doing it. Let's just keep doing it. That's how all the good stuff works.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like, I don't know why we decided to do it. But once you figure out a thing that you're really passionate about, then you'll become successful if you just keep following it. But the thing about the podcast thing was I managed to keep the same spirit of just doing what I enjoy doing. Yes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
When they get good – like I've seen Schneider make groups at 40 that are like the size of a silver dollar. But most people struggle pretty hardcore. But they say also that if you do want to hunt with it, you have to practice every day because it's almost like throwing a ball.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like, if I could just have conversations with people with no phones and sit, and especially if I could get a scientist to sit near me. And explain things to me for three hours. I would have always been interested in doing that. But I just – you can't do that. They won't do it. Right, right. You have to become friends with them. And you can only be friends with so many of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then you have to fly to them and sit down with them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Then you're like, hey, I'll bring everyone here and talk to them. As long as you can guarantee other people are going to listen, people want to talk about anything, which is really weird. Sure. It's wild. Like that's the way you can guarantee that you can get them to come as long as they're going to – other people are going to hear it. Right. So then they can sell books and … Yeah, the whole deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's good to hear people even that you don't agree with. Of course. As long as they're nice. That's my... Of course. I don't want to argue with anybody and get in fucking screaming matches.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
There's some people that are... Like we were talking about earlier, that's how they get engagement, by constantly getting in these... That's why they have those shows, like Pierce Morgan likes to do that, where there's like four people on the show, and they all yell over each other, and they're all remote, so no one's there. It's like... That sounds horrible. It's horrible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You don't find out nothing. If you could sit down with someone, even if you disagree with them, and just let them talk, you could have a conversation. Find out why they think the way they do. You don't have to fight them on it. Just ask them, what is it about this thing? Yeah, candid and curious, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. And I always try to think the way they think. If someone's talking to me about a certain thing, like I will, you know, people are, oh, you'll agree with anybody. I'm like, I kind of will if I can try to see things through your head and I'll try to steel man it for you. Like if someone is saying something and I go, okay, so you're saying that – but if it's preposterous, I'll stop it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'll stop it and go, that doesn't make any sense because of this. Like I can see that you haven't thought this through because – or you didn't know about that. Or how could you say this when this is possible? Like how do you –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, especially if people get shouty and arguey. You know, it's like there's a way to do it where you can just talk about stuff and not be dismissive of someone. I mean, I see so many people do it where they have their opinion, like Bill Marlux do that, like dismiss something someone's saying like instantaneously as they're in the middle of explaining it. It's kind of a sparring thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like, you know, if you're throwing a ball, you know how much the ball weighs because you've thrown it a bunch of times and you have like this muscle memory that if I throw that hard at 20 yards, I'm going to hit that thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're trying to win rather than trying to just have a conversation.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, you're shutting them down. You're shutting down things you think you're calling bullshit. It's also a lack of patience, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Sometimes you have to have patience to let someone express themselves fully before you disagree, which is really important. Because sometimes someone will begin to express themselves and I disagree. But then they'll take it around and give me some nuance and some understanding of how they came to their conclusion. their opinion, then I'll go, okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Okay, so I see how you- At least I see the track. Yeah. And so it's more important for you for this than it is to acknowledge that. And they're like, yes. I'm like, okay, I understand. So when did you decide that that was... And then I want to go like... I want to know, are you a real thinker or are you a person who has adopted a conglomeration of ideas that comes along with an ideology?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So there's really smart people that have done that. And they might not even know they've done that until you corner them. And then you find like... Where did it come from? Where's the trans kids? There's like occasionally, you know, there's a subject like make sense of this. You make sense, right? Yeah. Follow it upstream to the source and make sense of this. And let's acknowledge what a kid is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You I want I want to know how vulnerable you think children are. First of all, I want to know, do you have any? Second of all, I want to know how malleable and suggestible – like how open to suggestion are children in your eyes? I want to know how – do you think kids should be able to get tattoos? Do you think kids should be able to get married at five?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Do you think they should be – what do you think that they can control and not control? Do you even understand children or are you sacrificing them and their future – these kids that you don't even know for your ideology, for your ideological position that's like cult-like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then you find that out about people that think they're intelligent until they're confronted with these insurmountable ethical dilemmas.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, it's also, that's a cultural thing too, right? Like there's a lot of people in the UK that don't like hunting and they eat meat and you know, they'll tell you, like my wife was having a conversation. She was at a dinner with a bunch of people and I was out hunting and this guy was eating a steak. He's like, that's deplorable. She's like, what do you, where do you think that came from?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
This is so stupid. Like you're literally carving a steak while you're saying it's deplorable that someone's out hunting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Online, they'll dig their heels into the cows come home. But I feel like most people – this is why talking online sucks. Most people are good people. I really believe that. Even if they're like trapped in their bullshit and wrapped up in their own head and – Most people want to be – It's given the chance to be good people. Yeah, and you can kind of help them along to be a good person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You can kind of help them along. They help each other along. Part of an argument is you. I know that there's arguments that I've been in in my life that I could have avoided.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
if I was more skillful with conversation and I know that I have avoided a lot of arguments especially now as a smarter person than I was when I was younger I'm better at it I'm better at just like not biting on some bullshit passive-aggressive stupid thing that some guy says when I was young if someone got passive-aggressive with me I like hey fuck you yeah like like
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I don't like how you're talking. Like, I'm not going to sit here at this stupid party and pretend you're not a cunt. And, you know, there's been many times, you know, I got dragged out of a situation before.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. Because I'm like, let's just go to 10. You're a piece of shit. Like, I know what you are. Yeah. You're just a shitty person who likes to throw jabs at people when I'm just trying to be nice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But also it helps that I know that I'm being nice. So if I'm nice to you and you're being a cunt to me and I'm trying to be nice to you again, you're just thinking that you can just get away with this. And that's when I like to go, hey, fuck you. And you see that look on their face like, oh, no. Yeah, oh no. You've gone into fuck you land. Yeah, now we're here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, and by the way, emotional pain is something that people think they can get a free slap. They think they can just get off on you and hit you with emotional pain. Like, if we're playing this let's hurt each other game, how about I just fuck you up? How about that? How about I just decide I'll spend the night in jail? How about that? How about fuck you?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because that's what you're doing emotionally. You're trying to create pain. You're absolutely being abusive. And some people make a habit out of demeaning people to their face, and they think they can get away with it. It's a really shitty practice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, that's the thing. Sometimes it is avoidable. I'm so much better at that now. When I was 25, I didn't understand that you don't have to do this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I mean, things happen and people can't believe what they did. And then all of a sudden someone's dead.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm always like, do you hate accuracy? No, he got it done, but holy cow. I know, but there's something about dialing it in to like 47 yards, drawing back and centering your pin and just watching that shot break and watch that arrow go eggs. Exactly where you want it to go. And hit those ribs.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Just walk away. You have to learn that. And the problem with young guys is, first of all, their brain's not fully formed. They're impulsive. They do wild things. And then if they feel like they're being slighted, they feel like to be a man, because they want to be a man, you have to do something about it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. And then there's the people that get past that and then it becomes this ultimate challenge. Like the ultimate challenge of life is the most difficult puzzle to solve. Yes. And you can solve it above and beyond all these other psychopaths. So you're competing with all these other people that are very much like you. But what separates you from them is the work that you put in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Discipline, drive, mindset, whatever it is that you can find that gives you that edge to pull ahead from all these other people that are very, very competitive as well doing the same thing. And with men, they feed off each other in those environments. They feed off. Like a Westside barbell.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
and publicly questions in front of your boys or front of whatever it's like no I'll show you I'm good enough I'll do something stupid right now and end up in jail especially someone who's just a walking dead man with a mouth right like someone who knows they can't defend themselves and so they just feel comfortable doing that publicly because they think they're being protected by society like
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Or when women think they can do it, when women get mouthy with men like don't do. Why? When I was, I think, 16 or 17 years old, I was in high school and there was this kid that moved into the neighborhood. He came from Iran and his family had a lot of money. And so they had this. I think it was in Beacon Hill. I forget where it was, but it was a.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Really nice neighborhood, and this kid had this giant fucking house on this huge lawn So he decided to have a party of course so that he's this how he's gonna make friends He just moved here from another country right all right so he has a party and kids from every fucking high school came to this party and I was at the party with a bunch of my friends, and I was walking up the staircase.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'll never forget this I So I'm walking up the staircase and then, you know, so it's like right here in front of me while this is going down. I can't remember what the girl did. She either slapped this guy or she threw a drink in his face. I can't remember which one it was. Some offense. But I remember he uncorked a right hand like Roberto Duran.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
This dude threw a right hand like he knew how to punch. Because I knew how to punch. So I watched him like, oh, good mechanics.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
This dude just went like this, just. just hit her on the chin her head snaps back a guy catches her she goes out and then it's bedlam it's bedlam i mean people are fighting left and right there's people fighting in the stairwell i had to run out there's piles of guys out on the lawn it spread like a disease it was like how did you decide to hit this guy because of that
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It was screaming, and then screaming, started people screaming at the people screaming, which people were fighting the people that were screaming. It was the wildest thing. It was like a disease ran through the house, like World War Z, where everybody's like, ah! And I managed to not have any fights. A couple of my friends got in fights.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But I was never interested in street fighting. I'm like, let me get out of here. I know what this is. I understand danger. So I got out there. But I'll never forget that. That girl thought she could hit that guy or do whatever she did. I forget what she thought. I wish I could remember.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
All I remember because it's like 30. How many years ago was that? 40 years ago? That's a while ago. Oh, my God. It's 40 years ago. Yeah. So it was like this. Blap! I mean, just fucking, I'll never forget that, man. Horrible to laugh at it because she forgot a lot of things that night. She definitely forgot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The third grade. Yeah, she was probably like, that's me. I still can't talk. Like, for sure got a broken face. I mean, he hit her so hard and her head snapped back. Just snap. Like she had no idea she was going to get punched by a big guy who knew how to punch. But he was like, hey, fuck you. Like you just got the wrong guy with like three millers in him. And he just uncorked one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because the way he did it was like he didn't slap her. He didn't slap her. That's a scary one. He could have just slapped her or pushed her or something. You didn't have to KO her. But there's women that think that they can just go up to a guy and yell because they're protected by society. There's fucking psychos out there. It just goes back to be nice. Yes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But there's like, you motherfucker. I'll fucking kill you. Like, hey, hey, hey, hey.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And when you say, don't touch me, it gets hot. And then it's like, they might just touch you because you said, don't touch me. And like, I'm telling you, don't touch me. And then you have to touch them. And then, oh, you're assaulting me. Like, no, no, no. You're still talking. So I haven't assaulted you. If I assaulted you, this would be over super quick. So let's not do that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Whatever happened to Law & Order? Why do people think that was a good thing? There were so many goofy motherfuckers that didn't want people mad at them, so they started yelling out, defund the police. They started getting on board with it. Even Kamala Harris posted defund the police. Like, I mean defund the police on Twitter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, that's not even a canceling thing. That was just people had decided that there was an enemy out there. I say this, that protests are too much like war. You're on the ground and you're marching around with a bunch of people yelling. You all have a cause and you're all moving as one group. It's too much like war. I think there's triggers. That's why mob mentality exists.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because you've got to be able to kill people if some shit's going down if you're at war.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Right. There's a mode that people snap into. It's called mob mentality. Why does it exist? It exists because at certain points in history, we have gone to war with other groups of people on the ground. And I think that's built into your psyche. And I think it's just like catching a fish. You know how you catch a fish? Like if no one's ever caught a fish before, you catch it. You get so excited.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's just so unusual that you can do something like that. I mean, I guess you kinda can do something like that with cables, with a cable machine, but that seems better.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I think it's because your brain is hardwired to know that that fish is going to feed you. And that's why it's exciting. And you're hardwired to know that if you're yelling and you meet an opposing group, those are the bad people. And you're looking for people that are opposing groups because you've got power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're rolling deep. And you find that fucking white guy with the beard and you're like, he's the enemy. It was wild. It was wild. But it was like an open door to this psyche that has always existed. That mob mentality has always been a thing. And if you open that door and you allow it to stay open and you don't do something to close it with law and order, you have fucking madness.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You have madness. And we had that. We had that on the streets. In certain places in this country for months at a time, it was fucking chaotic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah, there's no reason for it. And it's crazy how quickly it all boiled over. And it was all these events happening together at the same time, right? The COVID, the lockdowns, the anger. Everybody got real weird because everybody was just locked in their home for months at a time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And then the George Floyd thing and the public outrage and the people were on the street and then people were encouraging it and funding it. There was people that was there was certain groups that were encouraging it, organizing it and funding it. And they got money from people to do it. And they had pallets of bricks that were conveniently located on the street. All that stuff's real.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That's why it's crazy having a guy like Mike Benz lay out how it all is going down. And you think, oh, it's all organic. People are fed up. Uh-uh. No. No, there's a bunch of people that are profiting off of this. Yes. They want this to take place. They want to be able to push new laws through. They want to be able to grip tighter, tighter control on censorship. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
These social media companies have to pay. They're responsible for this. No, no, no. You fucking funded it. You fucking funded it with tax money that was filtered through NGOs, you cocksuckers. You guys are a part of this. You want this to happen.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
No. I'm trying to think. When do things slow down for me? No. Jujitsu? No. Jujitsu, when you're really in a good state, it's just almost like you're not thinking. It's like all of a sudden you have an arm bar. So it is a flow state. Yeah, it's a complete flow state. But it's a flow state that's established after thousands of hours of drilling.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I think we got a taste of what's possible. But I also think – I think it was horrible. Anybody who lost someone, anybody where it all went down, I think it was horrible. Don't get me wrong. But I also think we're lucky. Yes. Because we got to see it. It's horrible if you lost your business. It's horrible if you got forced to get vaccinated. It's horrible. All those things are horrible.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
But we got to see. How many people are fucking cowards? We got to see how many people fold as soon as there are any sort of external pressure from either their surround or how many people got forced into it by their job. We got to see that. And we got to see how there are unscrupulous groups in power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
that will coerce people to do things that are not scientific, they're not ethical, they're not moral, if they can profit off of it. And we got to see that, that they will use you as a human fucking ATM machine and they will figure out a way to maximize their profits and maximize their control. So now we know. So now we know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So now you can't think that the world is some sort of 1950s movie where the good guys wear the white hats and the bad guys wear the black hats. You got to realize there's a lot of...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
human interest shit going on and humans have a certain interest in getting control over money and over people and they do it whenever they can and if they can do it through the guise of being progressive and kind or if they can do it through the guise of you know whatever pull yourself up by your bootstraps like whatever it is yep they find a way to to
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
rationalize these very specific patterns of behavior that the founding fathers of this country fought against when they created the Bill of Rights and they created the Constitution. They did all that knowing that these human nature, these human instincts exist.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And every time they pass something like the Patriot Act or the Patriot Act 2, they just chip away at that. They're chipping away at that. And it's their job to do that in their mind. It shouldn't be because there's not enough oversight of them. That's the problem. It's like this is the whole concept of the deep state, which was always like such a stupid conspiracy theory for the longest time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
People are like, oh, you're worried about the deep state. Until you are. Until you're like, oh, my God, it's real.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
How did that kid get on that roof? How did he walk around with a fucking range finder? Like we were talking about before, range finders? Yeah, that's what he had. That's why you use those folks for fucking shooting people. He's not golfing. The whole thing was nuts. The whole thing was nuts. And we were all just sitting there going, oh, the deep state's real. Like, oh, someone did something here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. How? Why? That's 61 years ago. How about you release that? Hey. Or.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
61 years is not a lot of time though. That's a good point. Like maybe we should wait another 60. It makes sense, right? People aren't ready yet. They're not ready yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Cash Patel says first day, day one. Let's go. That's what he says. Let's see it. If they get him in there. What a stud, right? Oh, man. If you are the deep state. You know what he said he wanted to do? He would close Langley and make it a museum of the deep state. This is the first thing he said he would do. And then just reorganize everything and say, now go back to chasing criminals. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm even excited about the way Trump is doing interviews now. Like he's doing – it's like he's become like a wiser person in interviews. Like he did this interview with this lady from – I think it was NBC. The recent one that he did was over an hour. But even the way he was talking to her, she was saying things. He's like, you know, you would be so much better if you weren't so biased.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So he said to her. It was like a kind way of saying it to her.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I think he's realizing that part of the problem is not just the resistance that he faced, but his reaction to the resistance. And he still slips sometimes. Like he tweets out, I hate Taylor Swift. Oh, my gosh. Which I thought was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw that. I just love irrational tweeters.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And that's the most important thing in jiu-jitsu, really, is drilling. Everybody loves to roll because it's so fun. Sure. Because it's like you're playing a video game. You're trying to kill each other. But the really important thing is drilling. And drilling with a certain amount of rigor, a certain amount of speed and intensity.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Well, he wasn't winning yet. I think he was freaking out. I honestly think he was freaking out. You think? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because they were doing a psyop, and they were all of a sudden making it seem like Kamala Harris was the dream that we'd always been looking for. And they were tricking people who recognized that she was an unpopular vice president just three weeks ago.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And everybody was all of a sudden on board. Yeah, that one spun around fast. Jesus, it was wild to watch. But that was another thing. If you can learn from it, look, we got through it. It didn't work. But you should learn that the government will organize to do that to protect their position of power. Because here's what's up. The people that are in power, we're not even saying they're evil.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I'm not saying anything bad about them. But the people in the administration that's there currently. they're all gonna lose their jobs, okay? Or they keep their jobs. So if they can keep their jobs, what's the way we keep our job? The way we keep our job is we present her as the best option possible. Even if they don't think that's true, they have a vested interest.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're talking about thousands of people that are in control of these very organizations that were going after social media and were getting them to take down factual information because it was dangerous to their narrative. So they have already shown that they don't have ethics. They have already shown that they don't give a fuck about freedom of speech and the First Amendment.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
What they want is to keep their fucking job and keep power and also not get in trouble for some of the shit they did that was maybe illegal, which we wouldn't have even known about if Elon didn't buy Twitter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Mark Andreessen has said there's two forks in the road. There's one, Elon buys Twitter, and two, Trump turns his head and doesn't get shot. Those are the two. Yeah. If those two things don't happen, who fucking knows where we are?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Not just has the vehicle. Has so much fuck you money. Right. That he's willing to blow $44 billion on something that's worth $200 billion. Maybe. Maybe. Or rather $20 billion maybe. So one of the things that like there's this narrative like he's such a bad businessman. Twitter is worth $20 billion less than when he purchased it. No, no, no. It was never worth that much. He overpaid for it. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
He overpaid for it on purpose. Knowingly. Yeah, knowingly. He just wanted to take control of this fucking thing that has always been so important to us, which is the First Amendment. Here's my favorite. People keep saying, I keep seeing this where people that go over to Blue Sky, they keep saying,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You're not trying to hurt each other, but you're drilling with intention so that your body is completely...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
What Elon's done is highlight right-wing voices and accentuate right-wing, and Twitter is overrun by right-wing now. No, no, no. No. This is actually representative of the real country, which is 50-50. This is what you never had before because conservative voices were always censored. So now conservative voices and progressive voices coexist, and the progressive voices who are the babies –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
don't like it because now they have people that think completely different from them and they can't stop them. They're used to silence them. You used to not be able to say anything about certain things. You would get kicked off and now you could fully express yourself. And you're finding out there's people you agree with, there's people you disagree with. That is the world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
The world is not some fucked up echo chamber where if you say a man is never a woman, you get banned for life. That happened to my friend Megan Murphy. She got banned for life because she said a man is never a woman, which is biologically true. But they were like, no, that's transphobic. For life. For life. For life. Forever. Bye.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So they don't want any narrative contrary to what they have accepted as doctrine. And that's what's so fucked up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And political. They're being pushed, pushed by the government.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
accustomed to these movements like your your body recognizes these movements and like you slap that elbow grab that armpit get that arm drag and you get the choke it's almost like it happens before you even know it's happening because your brain is so just it's just wired in there your your your Your whole nervous system knows exactly what to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
So they're doing it under the guise of being progressive. So this is why they think it's worth doing. It's like if you can allow the government to censor you under the guise of them being on the good side. Mm-hmm. Then you're lost because then you've bought into this nonsense.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And you have, if you just looked at it objectively, you have people that are still supporting the military industrial complex, still supporting overthrowing democratically elected governments and other countries. It's still the same shit that you hated about the right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And that same government, you've let them into your home and you let them control this most important platform of free speech in the world. Yeah. because you think they're doing it for your side, which is a good thing. Meanwhile, they're drone bombing people in Yemen. They don't give a fuck about you. This is so stupid. They're just trying to stay in power.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And they knew that they were going to lose power if that Hunter Biden laptop got out. They're like, we're fucked. This could cost us 10 million votes nationally.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I think it did. I think it did. I don't think enough people were talking about it. They didn't know. First of all, where do people find out things? Most people are not finding out things through the newspaper. They're finding out things through social media. And if you can block it on social media, they don't find out about it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And learn how to communicate with people you disagree with. And this is the problem with these people that wanted all the right-wing voices banned from Twitter. Like, hey, guys, that's bad for you. It's bad for you. Yes. And it's bad for your own objectivity, your own understanding of the world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
You need to – even if someone's wildly incorrect, if they're wildly wrong, you need to be able to know that people do think that way.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They're a Cowboys fan. The Cowboys can do no wrong. Right. And you're like, fuck you. I like the Raiders. Like, whatever it is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
That's what it is. It's teams for people who don't believe in sports. And that's politics for a lot of those fuckers. A lot of those fuckers are not into sports. Or competition. See, I've always been super reluctant to the whole team thing in the first place because...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
when I stopped playing baseball and I started fighting, one of the reasons why I did it was like, I didn't like that little Billy can drop the ball and I'm a fucking loser. Oh, I get it. I didn't like that. I get it. I like to rely on myself. I've never played a team sport. The most relying on myself to me was like fighting. I was like, we're the same weight. There's no trickery.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Three, two, one, go. You know, you're like, are you ready? Are you ready? Go. It was like so simple to me. Like, this is what I'm looking for. This is like competition that makes sense to me. And this idea of like, And joining a group of people and all of their opinions, I have to agree with, like... That's horrendous to me. What are the odds they're going to be right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Even in fighting, so many people are so wrong in their ideas. There's guys in the gym that I'll hear them giving advice like, you don't need submission. You just want to learn submission defense. What are you talking about? Don't tell him that. You should shut the fuck up. And this guy's a trained fighter in a gym. He's telling people, you just need submission defense.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. know. You need to learn how to do it so you can even defend it correctly. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's also like, who are you training with where you don't think that works? Why don't you go train with Fabricio Verdum and then tell me you should learn your guard? You don't know what you're talking about. You're talking nonsense. You're saying something from this very narrow-minded perspective, like you can only learn so many skills. No. You should learn the whole thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Now, is that super slow drilling and then you just go to speed? No. No. I think the correct way to drill is you drill with a little resistance from your partner. Like you don't want to put your partner to go limp on you. Sure. But just a slight amount of – like you have good partners.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
And if you can't learn the whole thing, you're in the wrong game. Because these kids that are coming up, I guarantee you that. I watch some of these kids that are coming up in the amateur ranks and the kids that are fighting in the U.K. and they're going to make their way in the UFC. These motherfuckers are complete. And they're like 18.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Some of these kids that are fighting in one FC, they're like 17, 18 years old, and they're complete. They can do everything. Like you better learn how to do everything. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Yeah. That guy's out there. And otherwise, you're in the wrong game. And if you're giving advice saying you don't need to learn that, like, oh.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Right, but imagine if that guy's your coach. And imagine you have a team. And everyone on the team has to believe that submissions are bullshit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Right, and then you get trapped with all these meatheads that think it's just all about ground and pound. And then you get triangled every weekend. You're like, I'm tired of getting triangled.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
What are the shoes that you look at? Converse All-Stars. A lot of guys lift with those.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
Because I try to lift in Converse and I'm like, these are stupid. They're hard. They're hard to do. I like a wide toe box.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
I like a Vivo barefoot like that. But Converse are good because they're flat. There's not a lot of, there's no cushion there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
A slight amount of resistance, but then go through those motions with like a little bit of speed, but not like full blast. Sure. But the whole idea is just get those numbers in. Bam, bam, bam. Eddie Bravo is the best explanation for this. He says – You know when you tie your shoe, you don't think about tying your shoe. You just go, bing, and your shoe just ties. Right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
This is a good one, and it's not even that fresh. Oh, God. Yeah, it's not even fresh. That's worse. Worse than I remember. That's Juju Mufu's.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
It's potent. The fumes that come out are so strong. When you have a sealed bag, you can smell them on the outside of the bag. Then when you open the bag, you get a sealed bottle. I think my ears are bleeding now. Just the smell from opening the bag is rough. Yeah. What does it do? Does that really help you? Have you ever tried to lift before that and then add it?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2242 - Bert Sorin
They used to have the Strongest Man competitions all the time on ESPN. Yeah. Well, those dudes were like holding on to cars. Oh, it was the best. They had the cars on the ramps. Oh, so cool.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Could you get that done in four or five? She'd smack you if you did that, right? Because things take time. You know, the universe or God builds a baby in nine months. And so it's like, I can make this decision of I'm going to do this thing, I'm going to take the right action, but the universe or God decides how long this thing is going to take until you actually get there.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
It doesn't matter how long it takes. What matters is today, am I taking the right action to get me there? One of my first mentors used to say something to me that I say to myself all the time, which is, is what I'm doing right now getting me closer to or further from my goals? If I ask myself that 20 times a day, It just helps me redirect in the moment to get back on path, and it's super simple.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Is what you're doing right now get you closer to or further from your goals?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Well, because it's not who you are. It's not who you've ever been. It's outside of your comfort zone. Like when I see a human, I always, I love people. Like I love sitting with somebody and thinking to myself as I'm speaking to them, I wonder what their childhood was like. I wonder what their relationship with their parents are like. I wonder what their relationship with their wife is like.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Because all we are as adults are, we're just a set of patterns that we learned from childhood. And so like if you meet somebody, One of the things that I think is important is if you meet somebody and you're like, I don't agree with them, there's a pretty good chance that if you had the exact same life that they did, you would be exactly the same that they are.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Which means I can change myself at any moment just by changing my patterns and my thoughts. One of the hardest things that I think people really need to dive into is like, what is the identity that they have in themselves? Like, who do they think they are? And so... You know, going back to what we were talking about, like there was definitely times in my childhood.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And I was sitting there and it was like, it was like a movie where it was like a fever pitch where it was like, I started getting really stressed out, really anxious. I was looking around me and there was all these people that were like yelling at their kids. And they were, you know, just seemed like they were, I don't know if it was reality or if it was just in my head.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And I know if you heard you said it before, we're like, we thought we were dumb. And that thought alone, especially from a child, eight, nine, 10 years old, is like, I am dumb. I am like I'm a stupid kid and I don't understand it. So then I would sit there in class and the teacher would teach something and I'm like. Yeah, this isn't going through. And it must not be going through because I'm dumb.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so I'm actually reinforcing that at every single moment. When does that pattern break? For a lot of people, it never does. The good thing is if someone's listening to this podcast, there's been a moment in their life where they've gone, yeah, I don't like this anymore. There must be something else. Because for most people, they're still in the patterns that you meet.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And that's one thing that's really important. I was driving yesterday and I was driving past a lot of homeless people and I was like, man, that's so sad because I just wonder what happened in their childhood. I'm never judging anybody. I mean, my dad was kind of homeless for a little while and in and out of jail. And so I never look at somebody and judge them.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
48%. So half of what we do in the day is just very, I'm just going through the actions. And so, you know, like I love, we've talked about it before, Dr. Joe Dispenza, where he talks about this as well, where it's like, you could take yesterday and place it on tomorrow. And it will be exactly the same unless you change.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
It's like 90% of your thoughts are the same as they were yesterday. And so I think the first thing that's important for people is the awareness. It's simple. There's really three steps. The first thing is the awareness. Who am I? What are the thoughts going through my head? What do I like about myself? What do I want to change about myself? You develop that awareness.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
The second thing that you should do is when you find the things that you want to change and you become aware of them, is you got to have some sort of practice.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
right and you the practice you decide now not in the moment and then you've got to have a lot of repetition around it to start to change so like for me one of the things i realized in myself that came from my childhood is i was i noticed about six seven years ago i was very judgmental in people I didn't like it. I'm like, I love people.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And it was like, everyone looked like they were miserable around me. And I was like feeling all of it. And this is like the beginning of 2015. So nine years ago. Right. And I look at Lauren and I go, I think I'm gonna start a podcast. And she's like, what is a podcast? She didn't really know what it was back then.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Why do I immediately see somebody and in my head talk trash about them? It just popped up. And I always say you can't change your first. It's a pattern. It's a pattern, right? You can't always change your first thought, but you can always change your second thought.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so I remember there was one time I was in a grocery store and this guy had this huge Bluetooth speaker at a grocery store ordering meat. In the meat section, he had the big one that came across in his mouth. And immediately I judged the guy. And I forced myself to sit there. That was the awareness. I noticed. I noticed. That was the awareness. I noticed I'm being judgmental.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I'm aware that I don't want to be this way. My practice is I will then take three things that I like about the person. I'll say it in my head. Stop what I'm doing. And I will say it. So I sat there. I hope I didn't look like a creep, but he didn't know I was there doing it. And I'm looking at the guy. I'm like, he looks like he's really nice. I really like what he's wearing.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And at the same time, he's got some he's got like a really good physique. He looks like he works on himself. And I was like, that was a practice. And then I was like, OK, cool. Now I can go about my day. So I stopped it in the moment because I was a pattern that I want to stop and I want to change within myself. In the practices, I was going to do the three things that I like about them.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I said it. And then the last part is the repetition. So every time I did it, I noticed myself start to do this. I taught this to somebody who was in one of my groups and she was like, oh my God, I'm so judgmental as well. So when I noticed myself judging somebody, I'm immediately going to say, and I love them. And that's how I'm going to end it.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so then she like six months later, she comes in and she's like, I was at a coffee shop the other day and I noticed this woman. She was like, you know, she was taller than all the guys. She was just a big boned woman. She was like six foot two. And my immediate thought was, holy crap, that's a big woman. And she said, without even thinking, I immediately went and I love her.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And she was like, and I noticed myself go from judgmental to the love side of it. So she can notice six months in the transition of herself. She does that for another six months. She's just going to be able to look at people and be like, I love this person. I love this person. And that's what we're trying to do is identify the patterns we want to change.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And then have a practice that we decide of what we're going to do when that awareness pops up.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I mean, it's usually not that great. I don't know about you, I had this moment two weeks ago, I think it was, with my VP of operations and she was like, she was like, she was like, you ever sit back and think about what you've done? And I'm like, You're already laughing because you're like, yeah, I don't even do this enough either.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And she's like, she's like, give her like, think about like, like we were talking about coming out here to LA and like how I'm on your podcast and all these amazing podcasts, like things that I've wanted to do for years are like all come. She's like, you wrote a book last year, like very few people write books. And she's like, have you celebrated any of that? And I was like, No.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I was like, I had this microphone, this exact one that we're using, a Shure SM7B, because I'm a musician, so I had the setup. And I was like, I have things, I have traumas that I've overcome in my life that self-development helped me with. And I want to try to, I feel obligated to teach that to people.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And she's like, why? And I was like, I mean, all of my friends have podcasts, all of them have books. So it just seemed like, which is kind of a good thing because it's like the five, the people that you spend the most time with, like, you know, I'm spending time with you, you've written three books and I can be like, oh my God, I'm not good enough because I've written three.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Right. But it's like even with all of the all of the achievement and success, there's like as soon as you get there, there's the next thing. Before my book even came out, it was like about to launch. I already had the idea for the next one. I was like, this is so stupid.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Like, why don't you just sit there first and be like, yeah, you wrote a book. This is amazing. You never thought you'd write a book. It was never a goal of yours. And so that's why I started kind of like tearing up this morning as I was driving, listening to Lewis Cabaldi, whatever his play is, I don't even know what it is.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
But I was sitting there, I was driving and I was like, man, there was a time when you were sitting in your friend's house that you were renting a room from him and you were like, I'm going to start this podcast thing. And first it was me and my friend together. And then he ended up before he launched it, he's like, yeah, I don't want to be a part of it. I was like, okay, I guess I'll do this alone.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
But they were terrible and they were horrible. And I would never, I can look back at that and be like, man, you've come so far. You've done so much. But a lot of times we're like looking out of the front windshield saying what's next, what's next, what's next, what's next. Versus like take a moment every single day to look in the rear view mirror and go, you know what?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I've done a lot and I'm proud of myself for what I've done.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
and it just felt right which is the most important thing and so like i think the first step is don't ever chase money i heard a quote i think it was from oprah uh where she said follow your passion money comes second money always comes second and so i think a lot of people always go money first how can i make money right now and i think the the thing about it is if someone follows passion
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
The money might not be there right away, but I think that if you fast forward five or six years, you go, oh my God, I didn't expect it to be this good. You might have some patience, though. That's the problem, is most people want it right now. They want it now. They're real bad with delayed gratification. And so I think the first thing is the feeling. What feels like the thing that you want to do?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And I think a lot of people don't give themselves enough space and silence to be able to think. Like a lot of times we're keeping so busy. We're always on Instagram. Like I recently deleted Instagram completely from my phone.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Everything I run through my team just because I want more silence in my life because I personally believe just from, you know, I'm not religious in any sort of way, but I believe that God, the universe, life speaks in silence. So the more silence I can have, the more clear I can be on what I'm supposed to do.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so whenever I've been in silence and I get a feeling, I trust that feeling like really deeply. And I'm okay going into whatever darkness there might be in front of me and not knowing the path. So I think the feeling's the first thing.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Yeah, and the thing about it that I think is important for people to understand is your passion doesn't always have to be your paycheck. I think a lot of people get that misunderstood. I think you and I are probably two of the luckiest people alive. We get paid for doing something that we're so passionate about. It is what we love to do. And for some people, it's not always that way.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so if someone's looking, there's two different paths. Someone's looking to make money. Well, what's something that you could do that could make you money that you could at least enjoy? If someone's looking for passion, it could be something completely different. I always tell a story how to...
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
A lady was in one of my coaching programs one time and she was real depressed and I was like, what do you love? What's a moment in your life where you felt so much energy? And she's like, I have horses and we had special needs children come over to my farm and got to do therapy with the horses. That's one of the most alive I've ever felt.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And I was like, but she goes, and then she goes, but I can't make any money doing that.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
what if you just had a job that you enjoy, you spend time at, it pays your bills, but it gives you more free time to be able to help these children. And she's like, that feels good. And I was like, there might be something down the road where you might figure in three or four years that it'll make you money. But really what it is, is like, how can I enjoy my life more?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Yeah. I mean, I think that first off, that's like probably the best question because that's the majority of the mindset mentors, like steps of all of this, just different podcasts from like, okay, when I, when I wrote the book that I, that I just got out last year, I was like, what do I do? Like, If I look at 1,400 episodes of the Mindset Mentor podcast, what is it that I do?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I don't know how you do that because I wish I could figure that out. So probably seven years ago, I got an offer to do the Irvine Improv for New Year's Eve. And the Irvine Improv said, can you shoot something on Instagram to promote it? And I sat in my man cave like going, what the? Like, what am I going to do? And I put a camera up in my corner, and I didn't know what to do.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so for the first thing, I think is the feeling. The second thing for people is you have to understand like you literally have to become a different person. And that's what's scary for people is that I have to be different. Like if I go back to Lewis 12 years ago, you're not the same Lewis as you were because you had to become and mold yourself into a different person.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And then right after that, I started following guys like Casey Neistat and this guy, Mr. Ben Brown, and this guy, Fun4Louie, and all these guys on YouTube that were starting to blow up. And I started learning about shooting and editing. And I started getting very turned on by the concept of making your own stuff and being in control of your own media. And so I started editing a vlog.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And in doing that, I learned a bunch of tricks. And those tricks kind of dictated to me how to promote. Really? And so I went from that New Year's Eve to then by the time next year, around October, Around November, December, Tom Segura and I were in a fat-shaming contest. I was posting very heavily to Instagram. I was promoting shows on Instagram. I'd taken control of my career.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I'd started making posters. Like, right towards November, I started making posters to promote shows.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Designing and taking control of everything. Like, taking control of everything. And I say it to my team right now. I have a team of 13. But I say it to them, I used to do all of this. I loved it when I did all of it. I loved it. There was nothing better.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
than to shoot a promo and then get in your man cave and then edit it and then add cool music and then post it and then have like Rogan call up and go, dude, how did you do that? And you're like, you like it? And he's like, dude, what song is that? I'm like, Creed of Scarewater, Midnight Special. And he's like, I gotta listen to more CCR. And then... And then...
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Doing a promo, I did a promo, Tom and I were doing a weight loss challenge. I did a promo, I disguised a vlog, a short minute vlog of what I was doing or taunting Tom into a promo at the end. Tom, I'm working out, we're doing two a days, two a days for you that didn't play footballs, how we used to get, whatever it was. And then The Rock retweets it. And I'm like, shut up.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
It was so authentically me that, and it was my favorite time of making promos. It was my favorite. And I was so in the pocket at that time. And mind you, I wasn't even selling legit tickets like I am now. I was selling 1,200 tickets a weekend. And my favorite one I ever did, they called up and they're like, yo, we added shows. I forget where. We added shows. Late show Friday, late show Saturday.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And it was like Wednesday. And I was like, whoa. I either go in and do radio or I can shoot a promo. And I said, girls, I need everyone outside. Leanne's like, girls are doing homework. The girls were maybe like 10 and 8. And I go, it'll take literally five minutes, babe. I gave Leanne a leaf blower. I gave Isla a hose. I gave Georgia the drone. Georgia's 10th. I got an American flag and a Speedo.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And I just had Georgia back the drone up with Isla misting me and Leanne Leaf blowing me. And then it went from this picture of me to seeing my family doing it. And I played Ramblin' Grandma Man by Bob Seger. I went in, I edited it, I posted it. Next morning, both shows were sold out and I was like, bro. And we can talk about the progression of promos because it's such an interesting thing.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I feel like I'm a different person as well. I don't think our, my podcast could be where it is now because I wasn't good enough to be here. Right. But years and years and years and years and years of work, 1,400 podcast episodes allowed me to get to the point where I can speak in a way that I guess is better than the way that I used to, or more concisely, more value.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
My buddy's a marketing professor. He's worked at University of Oregon, Penn State, USF, he's worked all over the country. And he was at the premiere of my movie, and I said, dude, I would love to, like, audit a marketing class. And he goes, and he said, we're not... We'll be teaching what you're doing in a couple years. Wow. We're so far behind what you're doing.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
It's just, we're at the forefront of it. I mean, you know... And obviously the calling out for The Rock and Mark Wahlberg and Arnold Schwarzenegger, there was, it was, I mean, I was like, it's fun. It's fun. And it gets you excited when they repost and then Mark did his own video calling me out. And then in a great way, it's like now Mark's promoting F45.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Let me tell you something, I have a burning sensation to get into an F45. I want to go too. I want to go to an F45.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
it's like the way he said let me get you in that 40 and he's good at the you gotta remember these are the best actors in the world when he starts doing this let me tell you something i know you're getting in shape for a movie because you got the fat belly you're drinking beers i get it now we gotta get you some flesh as all get you in that 45 i'm so big tony like he's the best but yeah the the uh the whole promo thing and then and then i got out over my skis where i started doing so well in promos that
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
that my team started going, well, put him in the biggest venues we can get him in because he'll sell the tickets. Wow. Really? Yeah. Oh, I did. Because you were selling out these small arenas into a big arena. So I went clubs and then I did my theater tour. Uh-huh.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
300 a night, 250 a night. And then theaters are what? Theaters are 1,200. Your first run of theaters is like 1,200 is the biggest you're going to do. And you're selling these out. And so you're going from what you do on a weekend in one night. And then hopefully, if you're doing it right, you're doing two shows a night. That's how you really make the money.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
You don't make money on one show in theaters. You got to sell two shows. So... We go to the theater tour and I decide to do a hip hop dance video. And I, I, I'm very, uh, a little bit of a penny pincher. And so, well, especially then, not as much now, but especially then. And so I was like, I was like, all right, so there's this girl D Glaser.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I liked her on my daughters and I would share her dance videos. So I DM'd her. I was like, Hey, how can you teach me a hip hop dance? because I wanted to prove to Rogan and Tom and Ari that I could dance. I don't know, it's just stupid, stupid, just boy stuff. And so I learned this hip hop dance. We shoot it. It's really good. And in doing it, we shoot it, it's good.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Just shooting it's funny, we're all laughing. So then I go, do this one thing and just give me space on the left so I can run tour dates. And so we do the dance video. You know when a video is good when you post it and you start getting texts from other comics. I posted it, we were looking at a house just south of the boulevard. I posted it and I got a text from a really big comic.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
But it doesn't just come like that.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
He's like, dude, dance video, amazing. And then you're like, okay. And then I posted those tour dates for that tour, and I sold the whole tour out immediately. Holy cow. That's pre-sale. I sold it all out in pre-sale, so they add second shows to all of them. General on-sale shows on Friday, I sell it out Friday. I sell them all out, and I'm like... Yo, and then I watch my friends copy what I did.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I think that's part of the thing is that you'll see incremental changes, and I truly believe the longer that time goes on, the more I believe in like the Chinese bamboo story, which is you plant the seed, you water it, first year, nothing, second year, nothing, third year, nothing, fourth year, nothing, fifth year, nothing, sixth year, it grows 80 feet in about six months.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And try to, what, do a dance video? Tom Segura dropped 45 grand on a dance video and posted his videos, and his did better than mine. Really? And he sold his whole Australian tour out. Come on. And then you watch fans going, what's next? Fluffy's calling. He's like, dude, how do I get in on these Like, like Joe Coy, like we're all, all comics are like, yo, man, can I, can you come at me like that?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Like, let's, because Tom and I are very organic. We're best friends. We taunt each other. We try to one-up each other. Right. And so then, and then the next tour comes and they're like, they're like, yo, what, what do you got? We're going to go bigger theaters. Let's go 3,500 seats. And so you're like, okay. So I'm like, I'm just like, and they're very organic thoughts.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Like, yo, can I get a marching band? And they're like, what are you gonna do with a marching band? I go, I don't know. I'll figure it out. Let them show up in my house. I'm sure we'll figure something out. They show up and I was like, what song do you guys know? Then no one knows each other. So they're like, uh, I can play rubber band, man. I was like, yeah, I can play that.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
So then they, they sit around my pool. I stand around my pool and I go back to like a standard promo for me. It was like lifting weights going, what's up everybody. It's your boy, Bert Kreischer, the machine. I dropped the weights. I have a whistle around my neck. I go, I got a big announcement. And then the drummer comes out behind me. Wow. And then the marching band's out.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
End of 2021. October 2021. Not too long ago. No, no, no, no, no, no. I wasn't, by the way, the biggest I'd ever done was 3,500. The biggest I'd ever sold.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
But I was selling two shows. Yeah. I was selling two shows most of the time in these markets. Red Rocks is 10,000 and I'm struggling. I'm like posting every day.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I'm watching it grow by like every day it's like 150 seats. 150 seats. I'm doing the math. I'm like, okay. I'm like two months out, I think. I think I'm about two months out. And you got 7,000 more tickets to sell or something like that. Yeah. No, probably like 5,000, 5,000 in general.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Yeah. Yeah. And then I, and I, and I go to shoot the movie. I rupture, I shoot the movie at 3,500 seats. I rupture the tendons in my thing, lose my tricep and they have to pull it. They have to go into surgery, pull it down. And I go, I talked to the anesthesiologist the night before. I go, he goes, so what song do you want to listen to? And I go, CCR.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And he goes, I go, I can listen to a song going in. He goes, dude, it's surgery. We do this to crackheads. It should be fun. Lighten up. I'll give you a pill. You'll calm down. I'll have you count back from zero. And I go, hold on. Instead of counting back from zero, can I have my phone with me and do a promo read? Oh, my gosh.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
They say sometimes you can like literally watch it grow. Wow. I feel like it's the exact same way for success where it's like you have to find the path that you're okay with going down that you feel good about, that you are passionate about. And I feel like eventually the universe kind of comes to your side and conspires with you. If it's like, hey, this is the thing that gives you energy.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And he's like, yeah. I go, cool. So we roll in. I start with my left arm, right? And I don't really put a nerve paralyzer in it. My left arm collapses. I grab the phone with my right arm. And he's walking me in. And I go... You can find all of these online, but I'm like, hey, as I lay here on this steel bed about to go into surgery, thinking, what is I worried about my life?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I have one thought that I want to share with the world. I'll be at Red Rocks. And I go, and I'm like, oh, shit. I was like, Jimmy Buffett's in there the night before. I'm there the night after. I was like, Jimmy Buffett? I was like, yeah, you want to come? He's like, yeah, good night. And he hits me. And I was like, I'll drop the phone. Wake up out of surgery. I look at Leanne.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I go, did we get it? She goes, we got it. You sold out? Sold out. Sold out Red Rocks. Sold out Red Rocks. Turned it again in October. We're almost sold out. Holy cow. Do it for a cruise. And so like it became a little bit of like, and I say this, I say this obviously aware of what it sounds like, but the joke within the comics was like promo cane. You just, you do great.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And, and, and, and, and, and, you know, I have a festival now that, that I'm, I'm marketing entirely on my own. I have a cruise that I do entirely on my own. Uh, we've had a bunch of people come to my company, birdie book productions and ask us to market things for them and join up. I mean, we've had a lot of, you know, but the truth is I enjoy a good promo.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Like if I can get something that's creative, funny, light, and then tries to sell some tour dates.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
That I thought would hit? Yeah. Yeah, there's a couple. Really? Yeah, I have one that I was for the movie that was so good.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Well, a little bit of nudity sells. Where do you go shirtless? Well, shirtless and people go, and my ass will sell. I had one really good one where I go, guys, I know the algorithm. My ass sells. And I've got to tell you what I need you to hear. And so we pull out a reveal and we had photoshopped my ass on my front. And it was totally naked. And it was, I mean, we lost it laughing when we saw it.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
it just like 500 000. it didn't do it as well didn't do it and then some have done some have done really well that you didn't expect like uh some just you don't know why they're gonna do well and all of a sudden they just take off like i did this one i i used to have a joke just a silly joke to myself about being on a treadmill and being like i was doing it i was doing it to my like sometimes i'll work out and then my whole team will show up in the gym
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And we'll start my business day while I'm working out. The wrong questions by me and everything. So I was on the treadmill and I said, I was like, what's that? And I went, oh, I accidentally hit it on mosey. And I started moseying and they started laughing. And then someone, I think it might have been Victoria, was like, Hey, you have tickets to sell in Dallas.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I think that's the other way that God speaks is like through energy. Like if I get energy. I'll 100% have more energy after this podcast than before because I love doing this stuff. Like this is what lights me up. And I think that's how, when you look at the entire universe, it's all energy.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Can you do that in cowboy boots with a lasso? And we're like, oh, yeah, so we do it. And immediately that goes viral. Not viral, but like a couple million views. And you're like, what? Wow, that's crazy. It was just a stupid... But yeah, the key is you got to turn the camera on. That's the big key. Just turn the camera on and start.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Just once you turn the camera on and start, it starts, and then you'll get something.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Very easily. Become a fan first. Think of yourself as a consumer always. I don't know anything. I'm just telling you how I operate. I love going to concerts. Now, one of my businesses is live shows, but I love going to a concert. I love going to a concert and getting there early and taking my time with it.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I love going to their merch booth and seeing what they got for merch, seeing what's selling at merch. Ask them what's selling at merch. Why do you think that's selling? I love sitting before a show and thinking, what could this band have done differently to, like, the number one thing is, like,
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
People sometimes, like, especially for Red Rocks, I posted a lot about it that first time because I wanted to sell it out. People were like, enough with the posts. And I was like, then you're not a fan. If you're saying that, then you're not a fan. Because as a fan, if Wilco's coming to the Greek, they can post four times a day And I would never get bothered. I'd go, thanks for the reminder.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I don't want to forget about those tickets that I have. Thank you. Post more. Hey, can I give you my personal phone number? That's what a fan would say. So what you're getting is you're getting advice from a hater, someone who doesn't like himself and doesn't like themselves. And maybe they're jealous. Who knows why they do it, but they're not going to the show. So ignore that person right away.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Ignore them entirely for the rest of your life because that's not who's on your team. Who's on your team are the people that are showing up. Right. The people that are showing up, they want to be there and they want to be reminded. Do you know how many people buy tickets and forget that they have tickets? I've done it. I've done it a lot. Right.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I think that's us being like, okay, if I'm silent, I can hear the messages and I can start feeling the energy of what gives me energy. And I think that's the stuff that we're supposed to be doing with our lives.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
But look at yourself as like a fan and look at like, what do I like? What do I enjoy? Like I went to go see Steely Dan at the Hollywood Bowl and I thought, I thought, I was like, I want to wear a sweatshirt because I don't want to wear a sweatshirt. I want to buy a sweatshirt. I want to carry out a sweatshirt. I go, I hope they sell sweatshirts. And then I went, ooh, I hope they sell sweatshirts.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
We're doing Fully Loaded this summer. We should have sweatshirts. And Leanne goes, it's summer. But I go, it always gets cold. And no one wants to bring a sweatshirt, but you're going to want a sweatshirt. So let's have sweatshirts. But I look at it like a fan first. And I go, what would activate me? What would get me to buy a ticket?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
A very simple thing that I noticed was when Instagram started doing the swipe up, it was a swipe up before it was a tap. I remember sitting with three of the biggest comics in the world. And they were making fun of me for using Instagram stories. Like, you're a grown man. What are you doing? You're like a little girl doing these stories. And I said, let me show you something. And I said, look.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
See this post right here? I go, this is promoting a show. And they're like, yeah, what is it? What's that, Swipe Up? And I go, watch this. I swiped up and I showed them the album. And I go, 2,500 people clicked on that link. Those are tickets sold. Wow. And then all of a sudden, these three cynics are on their phone the next day. Hey, I got a show. I got a show.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
You're going to take your finger and then go like this. But you're like, yo, activate your – To be above your fans is the, I've had, I've seen guys do it. They don't like their fans. They're above them. They think they're better than them. Dude, I'm my fan. This is going to sound the dumbest thing in the world that you've ever heard any professional comedian say.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I'm jealous of them that they get something they get excited to do. How fun is going to your favorite show? Like, if you're a fan of mine and you're going to your show and you like me, that's a fun thing to do. I love going to a show. I love having something to look forward to. I love to look at a month and go, ooh, Goose is coming to Red Rocks this night. Let's all go to Red Rocks. Oh, I love...
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I mean, I think it's usually quite apparent, right? So there's some people you get around and you're like, there's some people you can think about getting around and you're like, oh man. You're like drained. You already feel your energy getting drained from it, right? So it's like, I've always heard like people are like, they're either batters or they're vacuums.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I love more than anything. I'm trying to think of exactly who we're going to see. Wilco, Wilco, Goose, Watch for Panic. Watch for Panic is on tour. I love getting into my, I love buying the tickets. I love buying the tickets. I'm in a place where I can buy all the tickets or get them comped. I love getting my tickets. Get like a box. Get six. I did it for Steely Dam. I got six tickets.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I get the whole box, six tickets. And then I said, this is my night. Who do I want to invite? So I asked Leanne. She goes, oh, you got to invite. You should invite your trainer because you guys listen to Silly Dan when you work out. Oh, yeah. We've been listening to her all week. Oh, her roommate is one of the biggest chefs in L.A., Antonio La Fossa. I go, it's the bowl.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
We can cater it ourselves. I'm going to have Antonio have her restaurant catered for us. I go, oh, I love that energy. I love it. Now, there are comics that don't go see live shows. There are bands that don't go see live shows. It's befuddling to me because I'm like, that's the business we're in.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Why wouldn't you love... It's like being an athlete who doesn't watch sports or being a guy who makes films who doesn't watch movies. Like, I love it. And so... I think the number one thing is think of yourself. If you're selling cars and you don't like cars, you might be in the wrong business. But if you're selling cars and you like cars, think about what turns you on.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Like what gets you to go like, oh, they got a new Porsche. It's entirely electric. I want to go check it out. Well, how can I do that with my brand? Sure. Look, I'm a very... I'm a very like head against the wall kind of like meathead. Like I'm not the smartest guy in the room, but I just try to operate in like a very simple arithmetic way of how are we going to get from A to B. Sure.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Greatness is a silent trait. Ironic coming from me. It isn't one you have to tell people. It's something they just witnessed. They smell and they know. You know when you see it. You know when you see it. It's effortless. It's pure joy and it's inspiring. And I think it's something we should all aspire to find our thing that makes us great. You don't need to be a comedian.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
They either suck energy from you or they give you energy. I think there's also, you know, things that we do that are batters and vacuums. You know, I think people underestimate how much energy it takes to go to a job that you hate. Like to thrive.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
You don't need to be a movie star. You don't need to be a rock star to acquire greatness. I grew up with a guy named Brad Racky, one of the best pitchers I've ever seen in my entire life, went on to play in the pros. He had greatness. You don't need to be that. You can just be great at being a dad. You can be great at being a PE coach. You can be great at being a baseball coach. You can be great at
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Being a cop, you can be great at being a fireman. And you don't have to brag to anyone. It just shows up and people can sense it and they can see it and they can smell it. And then it inspires other people. It's like the purest form of beauty. And it's so soft. And it sneaks up on you. And then when you're next to it, you're just like, God, you just want to stare at greatness. I've been lucky.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I've been very lucky to see greatness hit all over the spectrum. I've seen the greatest comic work ever. I've seen the greatest dad in the world, the greatest mom. I got the greatest wife in the world. I surround myself by greatness.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
to drive to think about how much you hate this.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
You got to wake up in the morning. And I did this for years. Right. I did this for years. I had to wake up in the morning. I did get myself ready. And the whole time I was like, I don't want to go to this job. Like my I remember just one of my bosses just hating this guy. Right. And he was just so rude to every one of the sales reps, all of us. And I had to get myself ready.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I had to get in the car. I had to drive there. I had to walk in. I had to put on a face like I wanted to be there for nine, 10 hours a day, every single day. It takes more energy to go to a job that you hate than to build something that you actually love. And I think that's what a lot of people need to actually start to understand.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And, you know, Alex Ramosi put up a post a little while ago and it was like, most people say they want more free time to build their business, but they have a full-time job. And he said, if you look at it, you have 104 days a year. If you have 52 weeks times two, you have weekends, you have 104 days a year to build the thing that you're actually passionate about.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And it's more than anything else. It's how to understand yourself so you can take action. The original title of the book was The Psychology of Taking Action because I find that so many people have trouble with it. And I had a lot of trouble with it. And so it's interesting. We can look and say, oh, yeah, we both have successful podcasts. It must be so nice to have a successful podcast.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Yeah. And it might take- That's a lot of days. It's a lot of days. That's almost a third of the year. You get a lot done. You can get a lot done in 104 days. And so it's like sometimes you do have to go out of balance to go back in balance. You know, like if you look at like the beginning stage of growing your podcast, there was a lot of hours, I'm sure.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And there's probably a lot less hours now where you went way far this way and now you're way far this way if you want to be that way. And you can go back and forth between it. But I think that people just need to be aware of like, all right, being around this person, do I get more energy? Do I feel like they're sucking energy from me? Doing this task, do I get energy from it?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Do I feel like it's sucking energy from me? Like one of the things, I had a podcast episode come out the other day about how ADHD is a superpower. And this is one thing I think like I hate... some of the words that are used, like it's a deficit is what is like as something is wrong with me if I have it. Attention deficit disorder. Attention deficit disorder. There's something wrong with my brain.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
When in reality, if you look at somebody who has ADHD, when they find something that they're passionate about, they have what's called hyper focus. Like they can zone out the entire world. And obsess.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so what really ADHD is, is a low meter. Like I can't do this BS. Like I'm not going to do this anymore. or I'm just not excited or interested in it. And so it's putting that energy towards what you are excited about. And most people are like, well, I'm just distracted. I'm like, actually, you just don't like what you're doing.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And you have a brain that just can click it off and be like, this is not what I'm doing. If you could find something that you become hyper-focused at and you can zone out the world, Go for that thing. That's the thing that gives you energy.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Yeah, I mean, I'll be honest with you, too. There's many times in school when I felt like I was stupid. I remember I switched. We lived in a bad part of town when I was younger, and then we moved from second grade into a better part of town, a little bit better. It wasn't great, but it was still a little bit better part of town. And we had these, it was a small school.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
We had split classes, which means that second graders and third graders were together. I was in third grade, and I remember sitting in the room trying to figure out how to read. It wasn't taught to me, and I was in third grade. I couldn't figure it out, and all the second graders were reading out loud. And I was like, these kids that are younger than me can read and I can't read. I must be stupid.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
But it's like... There's a lot of fears that come up in doing this. I'm like, we have to put ourselves out there. That's a lot of judgment they can come from it, right? I think the first thing that's probably the most important is what feels right. I don't know about you, but I didn't start a podcast for money. And when you started a podcast, there wasn't any money.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so I think that, you know, my sister homeschools her children and she's never forced reading on them because she, and she's taught me a lot through this. She's never forced reading on them. And she's like, when they're ready to read, they'll read. And one of her kids, Didn't start reading until he was like 10, 11 years old, wasn't into it.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Now he reads more than all the other kids, but it was never forced on him. And so I think it's super important for anyone who has children out there to realize like sometimes it just takes time for your children to catch up and your brain to change. But there's, I don't believe in using the word deficit because then we automatically think there's something wrong with me.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And if there's something wrong with me, I have that identity and that identity can go with me the rest of my life.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
Yeah. I mean, first off, you kind of figure out what it is. Or at least feels right. And then there's a- Energetically. Right. And there's a really great book that's now a children's movie that they came out. It's called the, if I remember the order, it's The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, The Horse.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
There's a part of it where the little boy is in the forest and he's like, I can't see my way out of the forest. And the horse is like, can you see the next step? And he said, yes. He said, just take that.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And it's like, I think that people who overthink, what happens is, and I tend to do this, and my wife is a really big planner, so I've seen it in her, is we decide we want to do something, and then we think about everything that has to be done to get there. I used to sit down with people and be like, let's make your 10-year goal. And for some people, that makes them excited.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
For someone that's a planner, they see all 3,650 days today, and they all have to be done. And so they actually become demotivated by a 10-year goal. Wow. And so I think is important in and I actually put this in my book is is is I think we've been taught goals incorrectly. I think it's good to have a goal like this year. I want to be here at the end of the year.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
But that's a results based goal, which is from today. I want to be here. That's a result. From there, I think what we need to do is then forget about the results-based goal after we create action-based goals, which is what are the actions that I need to take every day incrementally to get me there? And if we just take the right actions, then eventually we're going to get there.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And so like, for instance, we've talked a lot about podcasts today, right? So it's like, I want to have a podcast doing a million downloads a year in a year. Okay, cool. You can look at that and be like, I'm at zero right now. I'm like, God, that's a lot. Well, what do I need to do in order to get there? And you break it down incrementally and just take your action-based goals.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And as long as you get those done every day, a checklist of two or three things. Okay, I recorded a podcast today. For me, it was like, okay, most people put out one podcast a week. I'm going to put out three because then I will get three times better within a year. That's just the way I thought about it. I'll just be three times further in a year.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
and so i'm going to sit down and say okay i need to get three episodes done this week i need to plan three episodes i need to record three episodes i need to get those done don't worry about the results because eventually the results are going to come and so it's like what's what's important is are you headed in the right direction for the goal that you want to actually hit are you taking the right action and then the thing that you just have to let go of which is hard for most people is a time time's going to work itself out and so goals are super simple and
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
When I started a podcast, there was no money.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
There's the direction, there's the action, and then you just let go of time and eventually you get there. Sometimes you get there sooner. A lot of times you get there later on down the road. But as long as you're heading the right direction, you will eventually get to the destination that you're shooting for.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
There was no money. I didn't even know there was a way to monetize it, right? So it wasn't a money thing. There was a part of me that was like, what feels like the thing that I want to do? And for me, I actually felt obligated to start the Mindset Mentor because the exact moment that it happened, I can tell you exactly what happened. I was in Jason's Deli with my girlfriend at the time, now wife.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I mean, I think everybody, I get, I do this in my own business, right? Like I'll sit down with my VP of operations and I'll be like, okay, here's the thing that we need to do. And then I get stressed that it's not already done yet. Like immediately I'm like, why did I not know this thing was already here? Like I want it to be done. It's like, it's going to take three months.
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
I've got to be patient with this thing. Like nobody expects to go into the gym for the first time in a long time, wake up the next morning and have a six pack. Like we know that things take time, but I think that we have been, we have kind of, Not intentionally, but we've been kind of brainwashed to want instant gratification. Like you got that smoothie delivered, right?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
You didn't have to leave your house and some guy came to your house and brought you a smoothie, right? And if I want, we had breakfast delivered to us this morning. We ordered it last night and immediately got to our place here. And then so we're used to it where it's like, I don't even have to pick up my phone. I could just say, hey, Siri, what is this thing?
The School of Greatness
How To ATTRACT Your Dreams With Your Mindset & Live Your Full Potential
And she can give me information immediately. So we're so used to getting instant gratification. It's kind of been trained in us in 2024. But nothing that is amazing happens fast. Say your wife gets pregnant, right? How ridiculous would it be if you went up to her and you're like, hey, listen, I know it's supposed to take nine months, but I want to go on vacation by the end of the year.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
There was a second where I could have gotten you and Schultz, where the two kind of like white whales. It would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis. Mark Norman. Mark Norman, Santino. It's such a fun group. Whitney, Nikki. It's such a fun. Big J, Dan Soder. It's so fun. And Schultz called me directly, and he was like, I got your offer, and I respectfully declined.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But then his agent was like, you can't afford them. And I was like, okay, I get it. But you want your friends to blow up. It would have been cool, but it's like you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They say do you have a hobby and I go like podcasts? No, like do you have a hobby I go? Shoot content like no like a hobby. I go I'm working on a movie Yeah, and they're like no, what do you do for fun? I go like collect rocks I don't the fuck you're talking about like look at toads take pictures of animals. I don't who the fuck does that I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Walking with a friend is not a hobby. It isn't. Because immediately I go, why don't we turn into a podcast? Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting. Okay, and so let's scrap the ignore that podcasting is a business When are me and you gonna get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out with and go you?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's not how it works at all. Usually you definitely know the guy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can't answer your phone can't look at your phone Let's just talk for the rest of our lives probably never till we're older or if I if you have something you want to promote Maybe we can do it over at my house, but it's like it's kind of fucked up I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour. I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes, got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Parker, Jelly. I see Jelly. Jelly's a little different because I see him and I end up spending a lot of time with him. Yeah, he's somehow so accessible in a weird way. Yeah, but podcasting, I don't look at that as work.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I look at it as an opportunity to hang out with my friends and get to know other people, other men. Oh, for sure. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan together. I never do. So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talk. They have smart brains in a different way than me. Like I'll never think the way they think.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I love you were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy. The Maui peach sorbet. Yeah, I think if you do this. You're doing this the whole time like you're selling fancy to me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I know. This little movement right here just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice. Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're going to like it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was at a Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, oh, no, thank you. What, do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down and shit in our mouths? No, thanks. I think we'll pass.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking, like, well, you want a Mexican blowjob? You're like, hold on. What are we doing here? It's like the donkey show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour. Once a week. Have you ever tried that? For one hour every day? No, once a week he does his show. Once a week. Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Because I think Bonham Murray's collapsed, right?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, no, no, no, no. Me, you, and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity- Starting a fraternity.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You have to do two things at twice. You have to pedal and steer. And it's counterintuitive. My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going, pedals off, gliding, pedals back on, here we go, and boom, hit a BMW. Hard as shit. Over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood. And I was like, God. So then she goes, I'm good, Dad.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hold on. So it was – I'm just going to set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
We were the hosts and executive producers. Oh, wow. You don't remember that? I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going. I think it might have – if I'm not mistaken, I think I might have been the one – That was like, because I had like headsets in and I was talking to producers and it was all our ideas. So we were like, all right, we're going to get these out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Put it in Craigslist. We'll get a fucking party bus. Put it in Craigslist. If we get anyone that applies, we'll take them. We had no fucking background checks. None. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember. I remember that one guy showed up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He had PTSD, and he'd wake up in the middle of the night and marine crawl around the fucking house to check the perimeter.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking, in the garbage can, and we couldn't get him out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He was a full-time fucking ninja. Yeah. And then there was the guy you championed, and you were trying to get a lead. He made out with a chick. Dude, one dude cheated on his wife, and he was like, I think I just ruined my life. And we're like, ah. And so, hold on. Hold on, this is the best. We wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks, so we just hired prostitutes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Everyone was getting laid, but it was because we paid for them. Everyone was like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, was it that all-female band? With tape over their nipples and their pussies. Yeah, Harlow. Wasn't that their name? You remember their name? I think that was them. Google them. Harlow. They had Jack Daniels and pillows. And they created a pillow flight. Feathers went everywhere. And they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths. That's how the pilot opened. My name's Bert Kreischer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity. It's going to get wild. And the girl spit vodka in my mouth. And I was like, I'm married with two kids. Dude, that was, is that? No, that's not them.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's them. Yeah, dude, they were cute. Oh, they were fucking killer. They were hot too, dude. I remember the executive producer came out to the pool. All the prostitutes are naked. They're all in the pool. I'm in the pool in pajamas. And the producer, one of the executive producers goes, I can't use any of this. I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, what's that? And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off. He goes, put them on. I go, what is that? And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, I hope it was me, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head? Yeah, dude, yeah. I mean, we fucking beat up those lesbians. It was the fucking wildest show ever. One of them fucking asked for it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And we stole the wrong goat. We did? Yeah, we had an address that we were going to pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them, like production-wise. So we pulled over to piss and the fucking Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid? Is his name Killian?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Second time we get her, she hits a trash can right away. I'm like, God dang.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
A lot of those guys are dead. Seamus O'Farrell. Is that him? A lot of guys that were in that pilot died. Yeah. Because I was in a Facebook group with him. And like the big guy, or like the big guy, he passed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He had two kids. Oh, did he? Yeah, he was a fucking.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like, wait, were they serving? Yeah. We're like, yeah. What are they serving? Like, you just ate it. Yeah, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then third time she had a fire hydrant, and then we realized she needed glasses. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we had to get her glasses. Yeah, at that point. She's dyslexic too. She hits so much shit. We got a video of her. That kid has been – are we rolling? Are we good? Huh? I don't know. Are we?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, I always say, like – I forgot about that. That was – like, it's like – you know when you discover someone? Like, when – like, I'm thinking of the best examples. Like, Cam Patterson, right? Like, my wife's friends, their kids are in high school, and they came to one of my shows, and they're like – Have you seen Cam Patterson? At the time, I hadn't. And then I was like, no.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him and I was like, oh, he's funny. That moment, we all have it for comics. And I've heard for a very long time, watch people discover you when they go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughn? But I had to discover you too. Like, right, I got to find that you were funny too. Right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I always say it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you just like, like everything you were saying was like so fucking funny. That and, oh no, that and fucking Reality Bites Back. I've always said that like, that finale, Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life. Really? Oh my God. You were dropping dimes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When we were all sitting in the bleachers, I was crying laughing. I have never laughed harder in my fucking life where I was like, this guy, everything you said was fucking hysterical. And you're in a room full of killers. Killers in there. Oh, killers. It was so much fun. Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you remember when Donnell, we were in the car and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, because Mo is like, I love Mo. I love Mo. I'm not shitting on Mo. But Mo was younger than everyone. So he was like trying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he goes, Donnell's in front of the van. He goes, Moe, has anyone ever told you you're funny? And Moe goes, of course. And he goes, name one person. And Moe goes, my mom.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's doing great. Mo's a creative dude, man. He's a very creative dude. Look at Schumer. Holy shit. Hi, I'm Hurt, and I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls. Look at you, Hurt. Look at how loud my voice is. It's our laugh, and it looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay. That kid rolled the dice on life so much, so much. Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this? She would do that. That's how she rode a bike. She liked her stomach to drop. So she'd go, and Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet, and Isla did it and then went over the handlebars. That's the cutest video Georgia looked at me. She goes, Dad, I got it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Wow. Look at you, Hurt. I worked so hard on my career to build a pita house.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
to my favorite one. I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this video, is we did So You Think You Could Dive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you said, everyone practiced diving all week, and you're like, I'm good. I already know what I'm doing. And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10-meter or like the 5-meter. It was high as shit. I went up there. In a wheelchair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but it was before content really. I got an Instagram not for professional reasons. I got an Instagram to keep up with people I knew in high school and college. And then you're like, oh, in comics, cool. No one was posting videos of like promo videos. No. And then I shared everything about my family on everything.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart. And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off that you were going face first. And you fucking landed on your stomach so hard. Came up. That was the fucking. Please tell me you have it. I don't know. Oh, shut the fuck up. Really? Oh, my God.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, look how young we were. Bert, look at you. Oh, my God, look at this. This is what all I did was hit on Greg. Greg Louganis the whole time. And then he got pissed because he found out I was married. Really? Yeah, you remember? That's why he voted me off. He was like, you don't tease a man.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, that's right. Dude, I picked up everyone in the car, and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's going to be an awkward ride home. And I got voted off, and I drove home. And I was like, it was quiet. I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think? And we're all going back to work. God, I was not.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What octave is that? If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's that kid Cameron. Watch.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay, do me a favor. Wow. Go to me getting kicked off. Do you remember this? With Greg Louganis?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive. Is he? I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness. Oh, wow. He's HIV positivity. I saw that bathing suit. I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit yesterday. I told you. All right, go to the end when I get voted off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
This was the biggest regret of my life. Yeah. Like sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I know what you're talking about, Bobby. And so like now I did this and no one laughed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No one laughed, everyone saw it, and it was wildly rolling the dice on it. And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home, and I got in bed with my wife that night, and I didn't know how it was gonna be edited, and I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career. I might have made it, because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show at my daughter's preschool.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I remember the first time I realized maybe I was oversharing is I posted our Christmas card on Instagram. And someone hit me up, a guy we both know that we respect hit me up and he was like, dude, what are you doing? I was like, and it got like a million likes. And I was like, you know, I don't know. You get addicted to the likes. You're like, nice, fucking killed it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's married. Michael, I think, was being, like, honest. Like, this is a bad idea.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, yeah. Oh, yeah. Me, you, Red Grant. Me, you, Red Grant took a bath with Lunell.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you remember? Lunell had two bathing suits on. Did she really? And she took one off. And she goes, boys, wear your bathing suits. And then we took ours off. And then she got out of the bath. And we were all naked. And she took our bathing suits. God.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Kyle's mom was a hired stripper. Yeah. Just so we're clear, Kyle's real mom is dead. Kyle's real mom passed away? Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper. Oh, damn. Well, yeah. I remember meeting your mom, and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make dream catchers in New Mexico.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this shit from Rite Aid.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Jeff Garcia. Jeff Garcia left. Don't play that. I do not need to see that. Hang on. I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that. You know when you've done something and you're like, ah, why did I do that? That fucking moment. That fucking makes my skin crawl.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They said, you're going to bring you in. You're going to seduce somebody. And the more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in and it was our moms. And I In the dark. In the dark. And I told her what I'd do to her, giving her oral sex. I fucking... I think about that because I was honest. I was fucking honest, Theo.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then you don't realize your kids, all their friends see that. And then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in. But that was, we were creating content not knowing what we were doing. Oh, I see what you're saying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You were so good at this. You were so good at this.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, you were so good at the whole fucking game. Like, it got in my head, and I would get panicked because I needed the money, and you were just fucking chill. I was probably on steroids, dude. You might have been.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I could not agree more. They fucked up a lot. By the way, here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up. They should, we should buy that. Me, you, Donna, just people with little money. We should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it. Because that is, we could do one season, we could do five seasons out of just outtakes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say. Do you remember me and Red were in a pool with Amy Schumer and she goes, what are we going to do now? And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine? She goes, what's that? And I go, well, you're Leaky Submarine and we got to plug up all your holes. And everyone's like, Can't use that. And I was like, what? It's fucking funny.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there, I'm telling you, that finale, you had, it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant, and Donnell were in a cluster, and we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight. You were just, they would say something, and you just...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Honest Theo, like the person you are today was there that day and you were stream of consciousness and we were, I've never laughed harder. Damn.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, I talked about Isla's period on one of my specials.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'd invest. I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding. And bodybuilding is pretty – have you ever seen natural bodybuilding? The answer is no. That's a good point. Yeah. You're like, okay, it's pretty fucking boring. You look at real bodybuilding and you're like, yeah, get – that's what I want to fucking look at.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, we did. Hang on. Yeah. Dude, as a comic, okay, certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good. That's got to go on stage. Like something happens and you're like this. It's like, I just, it's a, I don't know if it's like a, I don't know, like if it's a neediness or whatever it is, but she got her period.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, don't buy it. Everyone makes their own fucking choices in life. Look, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now. Are you really? Are you shitting me? Dude, I fucking love it. I jerk off every morning. I jerk off every, if I don't have sex with my wife, my dick's hard and I'm turned on every fucking morning when I wake up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Thinking about my wife, but I'm trying she's not there like today I jerked off she was at the gym working out and I was like or at her trainer or whatever and I was like I'm gonna jerk off. Yeah, I dude it's awesome. I feel alive. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life I'm healthier than I've ever been I do my liver numbers.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's all every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone is repetitive to liver cells. Yes. It's fucking awesome Well, are you I mean, are you still fat or whatever then? Yeah, I Yeah, obese, morbid. Okay. I'm morbidly obese. Okay, I just want to make sure you're still sticking with this stuff. No, I only work out so I can party. That's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rosé. I go, fuck yeah, because I know I was in the gym this morning, hard as shit. I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hard as shit. You look great. I feel great. I mean, I really feel phenomenal.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but testosterone has just given me a zest for life. I mean, the downfall is my face is redder sometimes, so I have to get hair and makeup. My face can get pretty red. From the testosterone? I think so. That's what someone told me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No. I mean, I don't know. I was going to get hair transplants. Leanne doesn't want me to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Your hair, you've always had the thickest goddamn hair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Internet, make that a before and after. Just fields, buns, hairs, transplants. Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you. And it's fucking hysterical. If you type in Burt Kreischer fat, all the pictures have been doctored. And they don't bother me because they're not real. The real ones bother me. The real ones...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I mean, I talked about it on special, but she called me from school and she's like, yo, it happened. I was like, yeah. She's like, what do you need, like new socks? Or like, new panties, new pants, new whatever. She goes, no, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I was like, huh? She goes, we're throwing a period party. And I was like... I was like, okay. Be positive, huh?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
bollywood i want to do that dude there's one type in bollywood uh motorcycle motorcycle dance there's i was so for a promo i wanted to recreate this and i was going to fly to bollywood all right and do my promo in bollywood dude money goes pretty far in bollywood so i could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production bollywood motorcycle dance That's it. I bet that's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bollywood music video. Guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance. I'll get all the people. And you gotta find the, never mind.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful. It's a whole movie. I don't know why we don't have more of that. I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bollywood Disney? Yeah, do they have a Disneyland in India? They have to, huh? No. I went out to dinner with a couple. That's good. And they go, did you... Leanna just went to Paris. And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like... No. And they're like, why not? And I was like, because I'm a fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, we went. It's so awesome.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you. Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris. Oh. As opposed to just being in Paris. They went to Disney in Paris.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's the same fucking Disney. Go to Orlando. Save some fucking money. Stay here. Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day. They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse, who, by the way, just is Mickey Mouse. It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse. They're like, it was amazing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's fine. That's totally fine. That's like, hey, man, this is my culture. I want to see how you represent my culture. Yeah. But going to see Mickey. You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse. Come on, what the fuck are we talking about? God damn it. Yeah, I don't. Listen, when I travel, I like to do. I like to. I like to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit. I want to sleep in. I want to wake up. I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, a couple beers, keep walking around. And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city. That's the fun way to do it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like 2 in the morning, know you can sleep in the next day. Wake up, go for a jog. That's what I'm talking about. You will not find me at fucking Paris Disney.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Immediately as the night went through. And by the way, I put it on all social media because it's funny. And no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know? And you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing. And then Isla the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Wait, can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What if, right? you don't know what the other team you're playing against is. And in playing the game, you've got to guess what they are. So all their answers are one way. So you're like, where's the best place to vacation? And you hear a bunch of people go, you're the... Team you're playing against said Jamaica. Yeah, and then the other one's like Birmingham. Yeah. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah Yeah, and so then and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible But try to guess who the other people are. Okay, never mind bad pitch because you could just lie and and misdirect people keep going
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's not – No, that would probably – We got to take that one out. But – No, ADHD kids versus autistic kids.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That would be great, dude. And autistic kids don't need to talk. They do mental telepathy. Yeah. They don't talk anymore. They just – Just saw a documentary on that. Google it. And you put the two of them against each other, it'd be fucking great.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
you fuck what you get, okay? That's the name of the pitch. So a guy goes up, okay, like we bring up Theo Vaughn, and you have a room full of 100 women. And you guys, ladies, on your, by your chair, you'll see a little panel. On a scale of one to 10, rate Theo Vaughn. You can present yourself. My name's Theo. I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand-up comedian. I have a podcast. I'm on tour.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Born in March. Born in March. Yeah, give them your sign.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Nice. And then you ladies rate him on what you think. And so they go, Theo Vaughn is an eight. And you go, cool. Now, Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you. So look back at your panel and see what number you are. And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six. He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out. So it just thins out the herd.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Social media, maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday. I was like, good call, 10-year-old or 12-year-old, whatever you are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And you're like, all right, you are what Theo is willing to fuck. Now... Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal. You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10. And if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney. That's your vacation. You've got to go to Paris Disney.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But if you pick the eight, we're going to send you to Bali and you're going to be on the beach all week. You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest, out of your league. You can't get her. By number standards, you can't get her. And then you take the two on the date and you pick who they are. What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people. I'd go with an eight to Bali.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I'd go with an eight to Bali, too. I'd go with a six to Bali. Did you really? I would. Well, my wife, but she's more like a six and a half. Is she? I think so.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can I do a secret time? Yeah. One of my favorite things in the world. I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast at Zany's, and you came by to say hi and support her. Oh, yeah. And she called me bawling crying. She goes, you know... Really?
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E565 Bert Kreischer
She goes, I was so nervous, and I was so, you know, I feel like I'm in a different space, and I'm doing my podcast, and, you know, and... And she goes, baby, I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something. She called crying. She goes, Theo came. I went, what? She goes, Theo came.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself because they're real people. She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support. And I was, I got emotional telling it. So I was like. I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you, and it's just not about a business. Yeah. But thank you for doing that.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that. Yeah, of course you did. That's who you are.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
That's it. You found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Look at this. Look at this, Theo. Promo video for my new tour coming, right? Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good, Theo.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Look at this. Look at this, Theo. How great is this?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Theo, you would have never left your caste system. Are you going to AI Theo's face in it? I was going to do you, but... Do me, do me, do me, do me, do me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You would have never left your... No, it's just Indians.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can I ask you an honest question? Yeah, 100%, man. This is why I don't do – I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects. Because I noticed that I have – for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control. And I'm not good at it. So I did something for someone one time, and the whole time, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm wasting my life, I'm in fucking makeup, and no one's treating me with respect, and I'm fucking, and I was like, I'm just sitting in a goddamn trailer, waiting for some 18-year-old to come and tell me it's time, and I can't walk around, and I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. And a friend of mine said, just giving you a heads up, notice this in yourself.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And don't allow yourself in that situation. She'll get a bad rap. It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they didn't. Blake Lively or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But I'm team Blake Lively. I like her, I think. Yeah, I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
But did you, in doing it, did you, because I know how internal you are and I know how kind of pensive you are. Were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that?
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And I just was like, no, this is their life. What am I doing? Like what part, what need do I have to jump in, make it an event, event like, ah, and then I don't know. So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy too. Just like removing myself, slowing down, listening. Yeah. Well, Leanne and I are in couples therapy.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Just me you know do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something they want it? They want you to come in and do something and then they're like try to like script it for you a little bit like my example is like They'll be like you take your shirt off right? I was like.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I don't know maybe I mean I don't know it's fucking 10 degrees out here, and they're like okay, but it's coming off though right it's like maybe you just come on you rip your shirt off and be like kill a beer and I'm like I I also talk. Yeah. But it's like sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as a producer.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
They go like, so you'll just, like they did it today and we're like, he'll just come in like a hurricane with his hands going up like this and he'd be like, ah. But there was no, did you find that happening to you ever?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No way. Yeah, I'm fucking killing her. Like, I've won three. She's only won two. Two ties. I'm smoking her, dude. The very first therapy. The very first therapy. The therapist. Like, I was just... Like, we went into couples therapy in a good place. We were in a good place. But the girls both went to college. We're spending a lot of time together. And, you know, and like...
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, they didn't like try to get Josh Wolfe in and I remember as a substitute But they just moved the lines over to a different character But when I watched it back the guy had two lines and it would I would have better be there for 12 weeks It just wasn't a good fit right the first movie I ever had a friend did Tom did a movie with Mark Wahlberg Yeah, and he was there for like five weeks and I was like I was like, oh cool You're so you're in a lot of scenes.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like I'm like two scenes and I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks? He's like, yeah, that's part of making a movie. I was like, well, I guess I'm not making a movie. And then I was like, I'm not going to fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks. You've got to be kidding me.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
We're we're keeping that or we're not keeping that or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing Then I just can't do that for me It's just how I work You know when I got back from Serbia someone had written a part in a TV show for me and they text me like yo I wrote a part for you and I was like, um, yeah, I'm gonna do it He's like we haven't even read it.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, I know that but it's not my show Yeah, he's like, well, hold on. Hang on. I wrote it for you and I went okay I don't know what to tell you but I can tell I can just tell you Yeah that if I go on to your show
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm going to have feelings and I'm probably not going to be great and I'm going to be in a fucking different city from my family and I just got back from Serbia and I kind of want to go on tour and I kind of want to do my podcast and I kind of want to, like I don't want to go on to another set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking eats snorts coke or whatever, you know?
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And so he was like, and I was like, and I'm friends with you and right now it seems we're friends. Right. So let's just keep the friendship and then we don't have to work together. Yeah. It's funny because it's like, if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, Yeah, you're my friend write a part for me and now I'm just like no, please don't write a part for me
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Are you kidding? Can, wait, for anyone listening, that's how tough Hollywood is right now. Right now they are not making movies. No one's making movies.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
But also... Wait, wait. I know what you're saying.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
But... You mean two cisgendered white privilege males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood? I don't know. But that's the funniest fucking thing that there's – because there is semi-truth to that. But also we have had opportunities our entire life. But also it's like you talk to any fucking writer, any writer in Hollywood who's like 50, a dude who's white, they cannot get a job.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Like they cannot work. And they lose – and these are all liberals. Like you got to realize a Hollywood liberal writer – Man, he's fucking storming the Capitol about those goddamn scripts. That's crazy. It's crazy. Talk to any of them. They're all like fucking, dude, whatever's happening in Hollywood. I was like, you've had a good run.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Both of us were like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived. I've always been on the road, home Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday. And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from stand-up right now, so I'm taking like a year off, and we're just around each other so much. We're like, maybe we should just be in front of it in case something happens.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
That's wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend. David's a legend. David Spade is, like, I always think. He's a legend. When you look at, like, SNL, right? Did you watch 50 years?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay. But when you watch it, it's pretty epic. I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50 because you watched a lot of it. Yeah. If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get it. why these racist sketches.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, where's Timothee Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson's not in more sketches? Where's fucking, you know... Chaperone, yeah. Chaperone. But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold. Eddie Murphy doing... Tracy Morgan?
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan. It was so funny.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. This was my favorite sketch ever. We can't play it because it'll get docked.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
But, dude, it was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like when you look at – so when you look at comedy history, right? Yeah. When they talk about comedy history, now it's kind of interesting I think because you look back at the last 50 years. Yeah. And there's only like a handful of names but legends that will – like Belzer, he'll be remembered. Richard Belzer.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl LeBove will be remembered. He was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics. Like, so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation. David Spade will not be lost in conversation.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Right, like see what's going on. Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, the first therapy, Leanne interrupted me, and the therapist goes, now you know me, right? He goes, does he ever talk? I was like, oh, this is awesome. She's got, I've got, Leanne got crossed up. She's like on her heels. Like, wait, what the fuck? He won't shut the fuck, he's just not talking now.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Out of all the SNL people, he has had one of the most probably... fucking crystal clear pristine hysterical his movies will fucking forever be talked about tommy boy black sheep uh meet joe dirt uh the fucking all he's a legend and to make a movie with him is like that's the coolest thing you ever like you're ever gonna get to do
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
If someone's like, Theo, I don't get it, you'd be like, hold on. Hang on. I hit dingers. What I do is just tell jokes, and I'm just funny. So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try. And a lot of people would be like, I don't know.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
That's what I think. When I did The Machine, the very first night, I was like, I'm not going to drink.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When was the last time you fell off the wagon? Oh, man. What's it like when you – like the morning after? Is it like shameful or do you go like – Like is it, cause that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't want to fucking, I don't want to relapse.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, like honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult cause you, you're doing so well and you're like, I'm feel good. I'm losing weight. I feel fucking happy. Like, well, I don't want to drink. And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise and champagne. And then the next morning it's just like the fuck you, you let everyone down.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking. Right. Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down. That's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I never, like, it was like, oh yeah, this is badass.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, it's like the same way like you ever see someone that loses weight, right? Yeah. And they're like, I lost like 90 pounds. You're like, cool. And then they gain it back plus some. And you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight. You should have just stayed that fat. That fat was good for you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Sometimes people lose weight and you're like, I'd like to have fat.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, fuck, isn't that crazy? You can change. Because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality. Oh, yeah. Because there's a narcissism. And by the way, take whatever you're going to grant us all. There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing. I'm going to get real skinny. I want to get ripped. Like it's okay to get healthy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But like when you go like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something? You could change your race. Like, what if you like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Just to be like, oh, you're eating a lot of blueberries? Like, I'm going to be black next month.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. You're eating a lot of matzo. You're like, taxes are due in April. You know how it is. Fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What's up with the burritos? You're like, oh, my yard's a fucking mess. I got to fucking clean that shit up. Jesus. Yeah, somebody's got to do it. What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit. That's all. Just want to get my good credit score. God damn. Whoa, what's up with eating pussy? And you're like, I don't know.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I'm not, I'm never going to find a therapist. Yeah.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that. Yeah. And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy. You're like, were you like, I remember I had a buddy one time, we were at a beach, and he was like, hey, man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone, but I want to run it by you and see if you think it?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, I say no when people say that kind of shit. I fucking. Oh, I said yes. I said, yeah, we were drinking, we were smoking weed. I was like, run it by me. He goes, there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do. And I was like, please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go, okay. And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
But I do it and I'm not gay. And I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it. And I said, okay. What's the thing? And he goes – I jerk off and I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I jerk off too. I jerk off too. Oh my God, I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off because that's what they tell you at Catholic school.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Yes. I need to slow down. I have FOMO. I want to be involved in everything.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You don't jerk off, don't touch yourself, it means you're gay. You want to play with dicks. That was what being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like. Where you're like, oh my God, I want to suck dick too. God. But how do you let them know? Do you just be like, hey. I would love to see that. I would love, I would love. Two gays in the wild or whatever meeting each other?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yes, like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men. The Memphis homosexual. Yeah. And then you can watch them kind of feel each other out. Yeah. perusing the Whole Foods produce section. What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player, who then is like, you can't tell me I'm gay.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm gonna beat your fucking ass. And you're like, okay. You know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That doesn't make any sense. I wish I could find out. Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram, I guess you could, but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up. And apologize to them or whatever? No, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to me, and you're like, uh-oh. You're like, I hope it's not me. Someone get him a glass of water, quick. Count to 10 while you're drinking, 10 sips.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude. I get, when I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I'm I gotta go downstairs. I go, what are we doing? Hang on, we're playing with the dogs? I wanna be a part of that. Like, dude, I, and my day starts early, and it just, I slam it. Because if I have any downtime, I get in my head, I get on my phone. It's just not positive. And so I pack my days.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think oh, yeah, I mean it's like different I mean, I I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys I'm sure that I'm sure they do about like the way we think and they're like, oh, yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, everything – like, you ever seen white people make fun of – black people make fun of white people's texts?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Is it good? It's so good. But, like, the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate. Black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text, and they think it's crazy. They're like, shut up. Hold on. There was a text, H-O-S... And they were like, what do you think? It's a black dude reading it. He speaks white.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And he goes – they go – and his girlfriend is like, what is H-S-O-O-B? What would that mean? And he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's hold on one damn second, buddy. And everyone's – and they're like, what?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he's like, oh, yeah. But they find that funny. So like everything – you can find everything funny. Like I still think like – Like, I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time. And I went up behind Tom and I went... Actual glass? Wine glass? Yeah, wine glass. Oh, that's very dangerous. Yeah. And I went up to him behind his shoulder.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And I went, cocktail? And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They wanted to teach us the Dewey Decimal System so bad when we were kids.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Right? I mean, honestly, if you're like, okay, what are you going to watch? I want to watch a high jump. A guy can high jump seven feet. And you're like, that's cool. And they're like, there's a dude who can do 10 feet. And you're like, what do you mean? Like over a basketball hoop? Like, yeah, 10 feet. It's like fucking crazy. And they light it on fire. And you're like, oh, put that one on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's just like supply and demand. What do you want to watch? A guy sprint. Sprinting is pretty cool, right? The sprinters are pretty cool. Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill. I want to watch that head-to-head. But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys. And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah. And you're like, whoa. I mean, physical capabilities.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I had a therapist tell me one time, you have FOMO. I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When you see people... It's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroids. Why would you ever put the two together? I want to see the big ones.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were? How great was baseball? It was so fucking great. And then they ruined it by taking steroids away. And these guys weren't, I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing. They were doing steroids. But I think it was all for recovery.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It wasn't like they were like – I don't think they were doing – I think they were doing TRT, if I'm not mistaken. I don't remember. I don't really know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I have a size 8 head, and now my head – size 8 hats.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And hit that guy that works in the booth. HGH. Okay, that's a real one.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They don't even, yeah, before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is fucking insane. Oh, yeah, brother. Look at him.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. When you got sober, did that change? Because there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go, hey, man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I challenged Israel Adesanya as a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first. And Izzy was like, I talked to Izzy about it, and he was like, I'm not going to lie. It'll be an interesting fight because he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted. And I was like, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and, like... And Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink, but Shane Gillis can drink 12 beers and not feel a thing. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, and just giving us 12 beers. We haven't increased our level at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking fighter.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He came to my New Zealand show, and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears, and I wanted to do it. And he came up, and they're like, I got a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking, wild shit. Like I said it about everyone. I do it to everyone. I did it to Conor. I just like guys I know have sense of humor, the cage fighters.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys. Michael Bisping, They're funny fucking dudes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Most of those guys are. Most of them. There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy. But I don't mention those guys. Sugar Sean, fucking great, dude. He is fucking awesome. He has the best sense of humor. Dude, Conor, hysterical. Nate Diaz, fucking love Nate. Nick, all of them. But I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And then everyone's like, he does, he does, he does. And they're like, I get a text, can I come to your show? I was like, yeah, of course. DM or something. So I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with all his buddies and comes over and he's like, hey, the machine. And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He goes, you still want to fucking fight me? And I went... And he goes I just get around I was like oh my god.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, he just works out really hard. He looks so thin here. No, that's not him. Those are different bodies. But he is very thin. Right now he's like 186 pounds. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's really thin. He works out really hard. He does. And he watches everything he eats.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The healthiest I've seen him look. Jelly is down 130 pounds, and he looks fucking great. And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me. But anyway, we did this as a lark on two bears. Me and Tom said, well, let's do a 5K. Because I've always run. I ran the LA Marathon. I've run half marathons, Tough Mudders, Spartan races. I've done all of them. I enjoy the event. The event for me is fun. 5K is so digestible. I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the Super Bowl.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K. And I've always had stupid ideas, like big tentpole stupid ideas that never pan out. And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it. We called a bunch of celebrities on our, you know, comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed. Barely any of them showed up. But Jelly Roll heard it. And he went on Nelk Boy's podcast and he was like...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I need to get in shape. And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Bustin' with the Bears. You forget how big he was. And so he said, I'm going to commit to Bert and Tom's Two Bears 5K, and I'm doing my first 5K. And he started training. And I get FaceTimes from him. He's like, I hate this. Does this get any better? I was like, it doesn't. It takes a while before it starts getting better.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
and he did came out like like go to his word came out to la did the 5k with me my i wore a 50 pound weight vest look at how big wow he forget how big he was
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, look at it. By the way, look at fucking Taylor. Look how big Taylor looks.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's crazy that his wife married that and then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink-182.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's what I heard. So Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year, and we did it. I wore a 50-pound weight vest.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He did it last year. He did it last year. He lost like 70 pounds. People Magazine did a big write-up on him. He really kind of... Event ties the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop. And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race. Like, dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife, Leanne, and him. We walked the whole thing. And then as we crossed the line, he was crying, Bunny was crying, Liam was crying, you know I was crying. And Jelly's like, you might have, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
So we're doing it in Tampa May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be such a big fucking event. Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium? We're doing it in the stadium, and then we're partying on the field after. We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas. We've got a rope climb. People are coming out and doing it with y'all? People are doing the 5K.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm going to run the first heat, I'm going to run the second heat, and then I'm going to run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne. And how far is it, seven miles? No, it's three miles. It's so doable. Oh, it is?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them. And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It happened December. It happened January 1st. So it's been a month, and now they're fine. They're fine already? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You're not going to lose your hair. You can always give so much fucking hair. Can I have some? No. I would love some of your hair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You look like you have a ton of hair right now. That I was shedding. What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs, so then it'll be perfectly peppered.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I love it, dude. Because it's so beautiful that it... I remember the song I lost my virginity to. I remember the song I got my first car to. I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to. I remember the songs for me. Like, I get very emotional listening to music. I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me. I'm crying. And...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing, I'm a song, and I, so he went, and he goes, and he had to stop, he goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that? Like, I cried out loud. But man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played, and I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I've had very, very, I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these. This band is so fucking great. But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me. Because I just, I love music. And I think sometimes, like, I'm good at a podcast, like, if I'm talking to you. Because, I don't know. But sometimes with, like, younger comics, I'm at the best.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Because I don't, like, I don't know. I'm not great, you know. But with musicians, I'm so much, I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are. And I don't know anything about them. And you get to kind of deep dive them. And you've had some great fucking musicians on. I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But you get a lot of access to cool shit. It's a mirage, yeah. That's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is, and I wouldn't say that you like it, but I noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see. You get to go do everything. I look at yours, I'm like... You're at UFC. You're at fucking Jelly Roll Show. You're at Kid Rock Show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You're like at the fucking Republican National Convention or whatever the thing, the inauguration. Like I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity. You don't get that if you're just talented. You got to be famous and talented. And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way so that you're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark. Oh, yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I was like, that only comes with celebrity. Well, I'm a fan of hers.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Card with Jelly Roll. Oh, Wild Ones.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I texted, I DM'd her one time. I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I just met those dudes Do you know that they got that they said I was talking to the to Dexter and and Fucking slinky. It's not slinky. That's what noodles Dexter noodles, and they said you know that a lot of white supremacists Adopted that song. Oh, yeah, you know another song white supremacist adopted. Oh, oh These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Well, dude, I mean, I think it – I'm sure you've gotten negative feedback in your life and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent. And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were going to see it. And you're like – like if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours and he sees it and then he's like, oh, fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think that was the – I mean, I think there was a bunch of issues. I think number one is his catalog. His catalog's very big in the culture. In white culture, I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only had, like, two crossover songs. I think he played both of them. But, like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened, and, man, we loved it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It was really fun in the stadium. Maybe on TV it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium. The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take. Did you hear his? He was like – because, you know, Kid Rock's, you know –
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud Light. Oh, Bud Light, I'm sorry. But his take was... He did this for the culture. Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful. Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop, in hip hop. And so his take was really kind of insightful. He's like, yeah, we did this for the culture. He did this as representation of like everyone on stage is black. It was all about like inside what they listen to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude. Here are my take, okay? It's fucking New Orleans. Kind of. Why not celebrate Boozy, Wayne, Master P? Why not the way they did LA? It doesn't have to be black. I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr. sang at the beginning. There's a lot of talent that isn't. New Orleans is like a black music town. Jazz, hip hop. I put juvie.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bruno Mars is... There's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, top to goddamn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize. Yeah. It is... That guy is... So talented. Justin Timberlake, worth my money. New kids on the block. Bring them back. I would be a cool Super Bowl show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I said out loud, it should have been Lil Wayne and Juvie and everyone. And then I did a show at the Super Bowl with Nicky, Tony, and Shane. And I didn't even see my critique come back at me. But someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown. They should have performed here. And I went, oh, fuck. I was like, I didn't even think.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I didn't even. But you guys asked me to come do it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But one of these days, these boots are going to walk all over you. Jews. Oh. Stomp. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that in the old school. You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos? They didn't do a music video, did they? I don't think so. I haven't seen that if they did. They would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan, and he's like,
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm going to interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know. Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican inauguration? Yeah. For real? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. I could do it in five minutes. You want to do it? A buddy. It's part of what I'm working on in therapy. Really? Let people have their own thing. Oh. Yeah. I get my fingers in everything. And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay? And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You know, I've never thought of you as, I've never thought of you as political. I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life. Like that's, I mean, that's my perspective. Like I didn't, I honestly, I, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope. That's fucking crazy. Like I would go in a heart, I'd go in a fucking heartbeat.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I went to, I went to George Bush's when I was a kid, I went to George Bush's state of the union. I went to Bill Clinton's state of the union and George Bush's state of the union. No one ever called me on it. Like I was, I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18, whatever the fuck it is.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I went to both. I went to the State of the Union like every time we got a president, my uncle would get me in. Wow. And I just think it's a crazy, wild thing to see democracy working. And like if I got invited to an inauguration or – I mean I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm not going to go like, go like, I'm going to get you fans. Right. But like, if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I fucking go.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Well, you should. I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right? Yeah. I'm saying this to hear it. But what you have to realize is the people that love you, love you. And then fuck everyone else. That's the truth, is I'm trying to get to that. The people that love you, love you. And fuck everyone else. Because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text. For sure. In one manner or another. They're bothered by everything good happening in your life. It's a reflection of their shortcomings. And they're like, didn't know you were so MAGA. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then he'd go to like their fucking, their big barn and they're burning his cross.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
My group doesn't exist. My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey man, uh, you have a problem with your drinking, and I go, I'm doing pretty good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's always guys in the system or whatever it's called, and they're like, hey, man, you know you have a drinking problem. I go, okay. I had a guy tell me. I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after. He goes, just because you think you make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have – three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You think that that didn't mean you have a problem? I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that like I got fucking feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me, but like right now we're doing pretty solid. So like I go, I, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system and they were like, uh,
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's gonna show its head up in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction. It's like, you gotta take care of the problem. And if you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like go like, hey man, like my wife, was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic and then realized, oh no, my parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood. I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top. She did it. My wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then. Doesn't even give a fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I was like, oh, wow, I want to be like that. I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink. Sure. Like last night, had a couple drinks, and then I was like, oh, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow. So I was like, I'm going to go to sleep, watch the documentary on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix, how do you think they title the World War II movies? Do you think they're like World War II, we were also in it? Mmm cuz like I was watching it left out of all it's like World War two Road to Victory is the one we get What do you think the job cuz they have Japanese Netflix, huh? Almost good. Oh, that's good. So close. Yeah, what were two?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I watched I watched I watched Inglourious Basterds with a German guy. Oh, yeah That's uncomfortable.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it's like watching Django Unchained with a bunch of black guys.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like, oh, those are really bad guys, man. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Special comes out March 18th. March 18th. Yes. And I think it's my best one. Lucky. Because I'm the luckiest man alive. You know, yeah, I might be right about you. Buddy, I am. Think about it. If I pitched me to you. I wouldn't believe it. Right? 25 years old in college. Been in college seven years, roughly. Yeah. No degree. No chances of graduating. No hopes of graduating.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No real direction in life. Rolling Stone Magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party animal in the country.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And a Bucs fan. Back when the Bucs and the Saints sucked.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
From Florida. From Florida. Before anyone knew what a Florida man was. Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers. All my people in my life off around Florida, man. Rolling Stone Discover Magazine discovered me called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone options the rights of my life. I moved to New York. Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's weird now. But I moved to LA. I get my first TV show on The X Show. I then get another development deal at CBS. I meet the love of my life. I keep working in TV. I get fired. I get on travel channels. I mean – All the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends, you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world. The funniest people in the world. But yet people will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to. Like that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari. Some of them drug me. But like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you think that was the first cross-burning? They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side. So, like, let's spread it out. Like, the fire's too centralized. Well, I think that's probably why they burn a cross. It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp. I don't understand. I mean...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But like you look at your group of friends and your – and there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. But they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been. And – And I get to do what I love. And for work today, to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker, but I also think, I really believe this, you have to identify your luck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I mentioned this in the special. You just have to start looking at things as half full, and don't, like, even the bad things go, that needed to happen to me. That had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it, you know? I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through And and then I go thank God like I think I was thinking of it today.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was I was like I Hate that Theo had to go through you know drugs and alcohol cuz that's so not him and that's never been who I know you knew you to be I never even knew you to party to be dead honest. Yeah, I never saw it. Yeah, and I go but you know I'm so glad he did cuz he's so fucking grounded now like he seems like in I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
such a better place and he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie like those fucking wild stories where you're doing coke with daryl strawberry and fucking the bronx i mean you have all these crazy adventures now but you're so like like i go you just gotta look at it and go that sucked then but that's that's then this is now we're now we're lucky yeah yeah no you got to be here to tell them
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
dude, I mean I I'm Lucky I went to yeah for sure lucky I'm lucky as fuck and I think if I can put luck out there like I'd say I bought like $100 worth of pennies. It's a lot of pennies. Mm-hmm more than you'd think Wild and I just started throwing them around LA just flip them on the ground every time you see a penny You're like, oh shit. Good luck. Yeah, I was like, oh, why not?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just give that to people like just a little And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it. And I'm like, fucking, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car. So everyone gets good luck when they get in their car. Fucking copper Johnny Appleseed. Copper Johnny Appleseed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, that weekend. I'm in Vegas. March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, man. Thanks, man. Like, we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see. It's so, man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics. And you're in that short list. And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nikki.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When Nikki... Oh, I know Nikki did the Golden Globes. They were in a text thread when you crushed it like But you're in that shortlist you Shane Nikki Tony Hinchcliffe my people in my family knows yeah, and it's man. It's cool when You get a text from your kids. You're like dad. Did you see the fucking what was the Theo what I forget what it was?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They're like have you seen the best of Theo and I was like no and then Georgia sent it to me she's like dad she's
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I'm going to go back on tour maybe October. We'll see. We'll see.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's done a lot of documentaries. He's done a ton. But he does, like, gossip documentaries, you know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hang on, hang on. Let's hang on. Pick that apart. That is fucking hilarious. If they built the cross, it's covered in fucking kerosene. And you see a guy at the bottom. I can't get it. Hang on. It's too windy. Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the comedy store.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's like being with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven. Can you climb in and see if you can get it out? You're like, no, fuck no. Well, that's why Jews invented the self-cleaning oven, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They can't, huh? Well, unless the Jews actually invented the self-cleaning oven, then it's just fucking... That's just factual information.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You do? I didn't do therapy. I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much, meaning...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's how I did it with both my girls. Then we go to a subtle decline. And we do it that way with feet up the whole way. Then we put the pedals back on and teach him how to pedal. So easy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
two bears Burkast something's burning and tour so every day I'm talking like four hours a day and I was like I just was losing my voice like crazy I was like I can't talk I just don't physically want to talk anymore and then and then when I took time off I was like like second I took time off like my first week I got really depressed so I was like really yeah and
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But are you able to figure out what that depression is?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Not being on the go, not having something going, not like, hey, we've got to pack you up, we've got to get you to da-da-da-da. We're going out to Boston, you're doing the thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, I don't get burned out. What was happening to me was creative. Like creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out. Oh, yeah. And so I was like, I got a – like I got done this last hour. It was premiering on Netflix March 18th. I think 18th. So I'm going to check that. Lucky.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And when I got done doing that hour, I feel like I – you know how when you start a new hour – Scrap everything and then you go to your joke, but you know, I got like 20 minutes, right? I for this special I dumped everything fucking seven-minute stories turned it into a three-minute story.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I dumped everything I just piled this my first four minutes was initially like ten minutes and I crammed it So I wanted to be good cuz it's like, you know, it's like my sixth special So I don't want people to think I got lazy but then when I got done I was like, you know, I I need to bri need to write and I was like my girls are in college and I'm with Leanne all the time.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, what am I talking about? Like, who am I? What am I going to like? And so I was like, I'm taking time off. But my first week I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just like depressed, looking at people touring, having fun, looking at like. So severely just that fear of missing out. Missing out, man. Like, I just I love the energy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And we pulled fully loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing. This summer? This summer. We do Fully Loaded every summer, and it's so fucking fun.