Bert Kreischer
Appearances
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm getting that UCAP.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on, LD. Come on, LD.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God dang it. I'm going to get in this. I'm going through my whole thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So how much alcohol do you drink?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what I mean? I just had a little cash drink.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like to just have that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one brought me one. Right. When I went to our first couples therapy, I said, not a deal breaker, but I need to know, is it okay if I come in here drunk every now and then?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just give me a belt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, I would love to. And then Leanne was like, please, I would love for you to see what you get when you use drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been doing, we're doing, I'm like, I'm, I've won two. We've tied on two, I think. Yeah, it's good. That's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, yeah. Okay. So I've always been confused because like I listen to clips of the podcast on Instagram or on YouTube stories or YouTube. And I go, wait, are they together? Are they broken up?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking your hair is exhausting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to get this new, I just got a new face lotion from Dr. Diamond. Oh my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I bet. Dr. Diamond? Someone get me my Dr. Diamond lotion. Oh my God. It's like $500.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Someone bring it up, but bring it up the way it was presented to me. Yes. Give the whole presentation. Can we scan Dr. Diamond on the pod?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. I hope it goes big. Oh, dude. I'm thinking about, what do you think about men getting plastic surgery?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at this. Let's see you do. Look at this guy. This is- Dr. Diamond Dr. Diamond Dr. Diamond is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA and I don't know why he sent me this feel this it's magneted Dr. Diamond they said is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA and he spells medicine M-E-T-A-C-I-N-E I think it's a branding
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He sent that to me, and then I thought, is it okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking Dr. Diamond.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's why I don't like automatic flushing toilets. Yes. They take it away from you too fast. A hundred percent. Like a runaway team.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I'm going to err on Dr. Diamond. Squatch is the one you get in Target, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at that. Oh, my God. So I had a debate with my wife and my parents. So I was thinking, everyone's going to get hair transplants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone's going to Turkey. As a matter of fact, Ari is just texting me and said, I would like to make a group trip for all of us to go to Turkey together.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think historically someone did kill Ari's types in Turkey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're going to put him under. He's going to wake up and they'll be like, it'll be just like the old, the Mandela. Yeah. Yeah. Was it his mandala?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It would be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was just comedy. Yeah, all his fucking jokes. But I was debating with Leanne about plastic surgery, about getting your hair done or getting like a CO2 laser treatment. Right. Any of that shit. Right. And Leanne's theory about all of it is you want to age. Because you've earned those lines. You've earned that. That shows the life you've lived. It's a gift to get.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's like a rock in an ocean that the waves just hit every fucking day. Yes. And one day it's just sediment. Maybe that's a bad example.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And she goes, do not get hair transplants. Leanne is wet. Leanne is wet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, no. Insecure men. By the way, I am probably pretty insecure. Yeah, but you're not, though. But I'm insecure comedy heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm insecure, and the thing I do is I lean towards comedy, and that's my makeup, and so it's okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're good. You won't catch me looking in the mirror too much at myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I almost wore a college shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go, I think I dress like a child. Right. Like I dress like a child. But it's fun. It's you. I know, but I start getting in my head about, should I be dressing and acting like a 52-year-old? Right. No. Sandler sure as hell doesn't. He doesn't, and look at him. But he's got a style. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You New York guys are not a fan of bare feet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So when you go to, so when you and your wife go on vacation, you go to the beach, do you put on socks and sneakers?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you sending this to me as a friend or for my professional opinion?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I first moved to New York, I wore a pair of Keno flip-flops. Keno is like the Florida flip-flop. You get them in Key West. They're made out of tires by Cuban women. They cost like $10, and they last forever. And I wore Keno flip-flops everywhere, and my toenails were painted everywhere. Right. And we're talking 1999. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I would go on stage and Puerto Rican dudes would just be like, what the fuck? Yeah. I remember there was a Dominican guy that told me I need to put socks on. Yes. He's like, you need socks on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Do you, are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That clip we did a long time ago. Oh, yeah. And we were talking about... You were like, I'm just, I think you got emotional. I did, I started crying. And then I started crying. And that was like the, I think that was the first out of many times I started crying. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was like my first where I was like, because I got, I was like, I never would cry because I was like, people are going to think you're weak. And then I got such positive feedback from that one clip. Yeah. Like, that's how I met Izzy, Israel Adesanya. Oh, really? He DM'd me about that clip. He goes, dude, this is powerful shit. You and him having this conversation is strong, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Fuck that, it's history hyenas. We're here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't wait until you come to New Zealand. I want to see your stand-up. And I was like, okay. But how has that been? With working and being around for your kids?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Doesn't even include Florida. You can make a lot of money in just those 13.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't want to be the best. That would suck. I felt the same way you did for a very long time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, but I think what happened with me is you get... I mean, this is exactly what happens, is... You take on a responsibility like a movie where you're the star of it or a TV show or a tour or you create a tour or you do an arena tour where you had no – that was never my – my goal was never to try to be like a fucking – I want to be the fucking man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember Schultz came on my podcast when I backed it out of my house. My old, old house. And I was like, so what's the goal? And he was like, to be the goat. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'm coming after Chappelle and I'm coming after Bill Burr. And I was like, I remember hearing that going like, I just hope they think I'm funny. Yeah, I don't have that in me at all.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But what happens is you start... doing bigger things and then all of a sudden you have to, it gets out of control.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It gets totally out of control and you have 15 people working for you and you've got a vodka company and a 5K and a summer festival and a cruise and an arena tour and a movie and a TV show and another movie and three movies in development and you're writing another movie with another guy and then you're like, wait,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, what did I get into this for? It's almost like you go, what were we talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're just a little lost. And I think it's cool that you and Stavi are the two people that I look at where you guys completely have no issue stepping back and getting off the merry-go-round.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. They wouldn't let me. That's so good. Yeah. That's so... You're doing the fucking garden this September.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, you had swiped to put a filter on it? Yeah, that's right. I swear to God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on, hold on. You realize that if you headline Madison Square Garden, you're putting your name in the hat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know where the money's going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm still not that. Like I'm not even, I'm not saying that I'm not like that, but I just, I'm always shocked if a celebrity knows me. Sure. Like how many times I've said to people, you know my name? Right. And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, shut the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We can see you. I would assume that they couldn't see them from the outside. Like I'm always shocked that Shane is as comfortable with his fame as he is because I remember when he wasn't famous. I remember, what's crazy is I remember trying to introduce him to Diplo and he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, just don't, just don't. He was so uncomfortable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember trying to introduce him to Guy Fieri, and he was like, I'm good, I'm good. I'm just going to stay in the back. And I was like, okay, that's Shane.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Last week, I see a picture with him, Guy Fieri, and Diplo. Yeah. And I was like, oh. Just hanging out. Yeah, and he's like totally casual.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I need his actual penis.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whoa. Whoa, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's been around for a while. And he has the kind of life where every night it's a show, then a private jet, then a show, then a private jet. And I mean, I guess he like pencils in pussy here and there. Yeah. That's a guy who's like, why would I get rid of this to move outside the city and the suburbs? Right. Because Ted Avici killed himself over it. I just found out who that guy was. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never knew who Avici was, and I saw it on My Name's Bill or something is the documentary on Netflix. And I start watching it. And I'm like, oh, this kid's cool shit. And then I start recognizing songs. I was like, oh, I know this song. Big time. I know this song. And both my daughters walked in, and they're like, oh, my God, he killed himself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, wait, I'm not at the end yet, you assholes. Yeah. Yeah, he fucking killed himself because of this lifestyle. Do you think the lifestyle would have ever caught up with you? Me? Do you think that you spending time with your family the way you do grounds you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have your bodega.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's like symbiotic, you know, the best is when you feel like a fucking team. Yeah. When you look and you go, this is my team. Right. These are my guys. This is my starting lineup. Yeah. And this is, and we've got each other's backs. Yes. Oh, it's the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got seven.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you run all your money? Huh? Do you run all your money? Are you good with money?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So do you have a login to your bank account? Yes. And you can check your money right now? All day. It's on your phone.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you have some in Bitcoin?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. There's a promo code busting. Yeah. Wait, no. Mine was five. He said, I found three polyps. He told me when he woke me up. He was like, I found three polyps. I wouldn't worry about them. We're going to do a biopsy. I'll let you know. Right. And then he DM'd me. And he said, hey, man, they're all clean. You don't have to be back for another seven years.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Who signed the contract where they wanted their signing bonus? An NFL player.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you ready for this? Yes. So when we did the first Sober October, so it was before that. So before Odell Beckham took his 2021 salary in Bitcoin, $700,000 in Bitcoin. What does he got now?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I don't know when you had to buy it. That's 2023. Oh, okay. So it's been kind of fluctuating there. Right, that's true. This is my biggest regret. I didn't have money then, so I couldn't have done this, but I was doing Rogan's podcast, and I think... Red Band was still doing the boards before Jamie. Oh, wow. Okay. This is back in the day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember in this episode, Red Band said, I said, I didn't believe that women could squirt. And Red Band said, I can make your wife squirt. And Joe got snapped at him. I mean, it was like, hey, that's fucking inappropriate. You can't do that. I remember that moment. She's a rock in the ocean. Yeah. And Brian bought up Bitcoin. And Joe casually said, we should each buy $3,000 worth of Bitcoin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Had we done that, I think I did the evaluation. It was like 2006, right when Bitcoin came out. Like right when, I think it was like 2016, 2017. It would, see what Bitcoin, if you had 3,000 now would be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Was on Bitcoin. So if I bought $3,000, I would have had... I would have had like five Bitcoins?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was only spending $3,000. I was only going to spend $3,000.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm sorry. So then how much would three Bitcoin be today?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, that would have been a good investment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's just crazy. I didn't understand Bitcoin. Can you explain Bitcoin to someone who doesn't understand it? Can you explain the concept of Dogecoin, Bitcoin, Huctua coin? What was your take on Huctua coin? Should they have put her to death?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have no, I don't understand mining for Bitcoin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know what it is. When they lost, this is when Asians lost me. Tentacle porn. Yes. And I was like, okay, it turns me on and I don't know why. And I know it's not real. And now I'm turned on. You're done. I'm done with Asians. I'm done.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I DMed back, what should I wear? Yeah. And then he said, I can't tell you that because I'm not certain I'll be your doctor. Right. And I wrote back, yeah, but I've only let one man inside of me. Yes. I would like a commitment. Yes. He never replied. And he never replied. And he just left it on read. See, why doesn't anybody have any fun anymore? Dude, I was just talking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right. And have you met South Africans? No. They're not all like that. I believe that. They're like the rednecks of Africa.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can explain it to you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can explain it to you. Yeah. You ready? Yes. And you'll like this. This is a history. By the way, I'm not like you. I can't recite the exact history. I can just tell you kind of what it was about. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So the first American currency was introduced in like 1800s. They were using coins because you could feel them in your hand. You could hold them. The value of that gold coin, you knew that was the value of the thing. So they're like, yo, we got to take over Canada, right? And they're like, we need like 3,000 soldiers, but we don't have any money to give you guys.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we're not going to go back to Mesopotamia. Well, maybe it was 1775. But anyway, so this is the story. So they said, let's just make paper currency, okay? And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you this, and we're going to take over this town. We're going to get all their fucking shit. And we get all their shit. You give me this, and I'll give you that much and their shit. Yeah. Right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so everyone's like, okay. So they gave everyone fucking $300 in paper currency. They went in, took over the fucking city. They won. Had they not won, it wouldn't have worked. But they won. And then everyone went, here's my thing. Can I get my stuff back? And the guys were like, yeah. And a lot of guys were like, I'll just hold on to this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then when they were like, yo, this is easier than this. So they're like, yo, I'll take these. And let's just use these from now on. But the guy said when he said it, he goes, it only works If we all believe in it. No one can say no. Everyone's got to believe in it. Right. And that's the shit with Bitcoin. Yeah. Everyone's got to believe in it. So it's real, though.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
As soon as everyone believes in it, it's real.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't explain anything. I was telling this to Peter. We were looking at some show on Netflix and the guys had a Honus Wagner rookie card. Sick. And you know who Honus Wagner was? Honus Wagner, Hall of Famer. Yes. And my sister Pete's like, I would never pay that much money for that. And I was like, yeah, but you got to understand. It's worth it. He's like, not to me. And I went, that's Bitcoin.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The guy's like, hold on. Let's go back to milk. Yes. So your mom said two things. Don't drink. No, she said don't do drugs.
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We watched Inglourious Bastards on tour in Europe with our tour manager who's German. The best. That was really fun to watch him go, yeah, those are some bad guys. Bad guys. This is so horrible. Knowing full well those are his grandparents. And we're like, Ben, man, this is crazy what they're doing.
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Everyone does after Tony Hinchcliffe's set.
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Everyone does.
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I heard someone pissing and moaning that Hitler's Heil Hitler wasn't even like a full Heil Hitler. It was like a phoned in one, like...
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No, I, dude, I have, my dad had a problem with milk. Like he would drink a gallon a day. Right. My dad drank so much fucking milk. I drank, I love getting vitamin D, the red milk, you know, the vitamin D one.
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My favorite Nazi story is Alex Eichmann, where they got him from, they extracted him. Is it Eichmann? It's Eichmann, I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann. Just hit enter and it'll come up. they pulled him out of Brazil. Adolf Eichmann.
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Alex. American him up. And they brought him to Israel. And a lot of people in Israel didn't believe in the Holocaust. A lot of Israelis didn't believe it because they're like, so hold on. They killed everyone but you guys are still here? Tell me how bad was it if you made it out? And
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And then when they took him and they held him on trial in Israel, he is the reason that people started believing the Holocaust because he told the stories of, yeah, this is what we did. This is what we did. And he was saying, I was just a guy. I was doing my job. I was doing my job. And you're like, wow. My grandfather was in World War II. He went in and cleared out Nazi death camps or whatever.
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Concentration camps. Concentration camps and saw his relatives, his cousins as Nazis and was like, that would have been me. Yeah. It's crazy.
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Do you think, because I'm into a lot of history as well. Do you think when you listen to these stories of Nazis, of Americans getting drafted or in Vietnam or Korea or World War II or World War I seems to be the fucking worst in my opinion. That was wild.
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Do you think that you could have done that, could have given up your free will and listened to a man going, all right, I want everyone out of this foxhole and everyone charge the berm? I'm going to say no.
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I bet I could have been, I bet I could have focused in med school to become a medic. I could have been like, no, I can apply myself. As a matter of fact, I don't mind reading. I like reading. I don't want to go to the fucking... I could not have been in the military when you hear those stories.
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Here's one. This one is my favorite little bit of history.
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We went to Serbia to shoot The Machine. Sure. Streaming on Netflix.
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And we saw a statue of Gavriela Pritsip. Okay, I'm not familiar. Gavriel Pritsip is type of man.
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I think good luck. He is Gavriel Pritsip. He shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand to start World War II, World War I. This one man affected history bigger than anyone ever. And now here's my connection.
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Yeah. He died in prison at 24 in Chechnya, I think. I don't know. Maybe in Croatia. But anyway, he is the biggest hero in Serbia. He is a hero because this man created Yugoslavia, basically. What he did is he stood up. He was part of the Young Turks, I think, and he started that. Now, here's what's crazy. So when they shot that CEO. Yes. Same energy. Right. People look at that kid as a hero.
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And it reminds me of this Gabriela Princip. Right. Of like this one gunshot changes the world.
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I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I've come outside. I've said out loud. I hate that people are celebrating this guy's murdering of a person. No good. It's horrible. He has family. He has children. He's a human being. I'll tell you one thing. is shine a light on how bad the healthcare system is. Hell yeah.
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I mean, like, imagine, I don't know, I feel like I'm talking shit, but imagine sacrificing your own life to change a system. That's what this guy did. That's what this guy did. And that's what that guy did. I'm not that guy. Right. But it's crazy that that's a thing.
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But a good looking guy? What are you killing people for? Dude, seriously.
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He's being disgusting. John Wayne Gacy, totally get it.
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A number of times.
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Yeah. What do you go there for? Just to hang out? To work. I always went there to work. What do you mean? What were you doing? I worked on Travel Channel. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, I was just there recently with Leanne and the girls. Yeah, we took them there. How many times have you been back and forth to Italy? Oh. Oh, I had one month where it was three.
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I had one month where I went to Italy three times. From the United States to Italy? From LA to Italy, back and forth three times. For the show? Yeah, for the show. For most seats for work. I've been to Italy probably 12 times. Wow. And you always go to Florence? Every time. You've got to go to Florence, Rome, and Venice are the places to go.
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But I've also been down to Bari, down to the very bottom, been over to Greece through there. What's crazy to me, what's crazy, so when I travel, I obsess about the history of that place. Sure. And I get really into the history of that place, and I want to know things about that place. Right. And this last trip to Italy, I was obsessed with Mussolini. Dude, obsessed. Mussolini is just...
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Mussolini's a lot like Nero. So Nero apparently wasn't that bad of an emperor. He just got a bad rap because the three dudes after him kept fucking up. And so the guy that came three dudes after Nero was like, yo, in order for myself to look good, I got to make your ex-boyfriend look bad. So he trashed Nero. He fiddled when Rome burned. Truth is, they hadn't invented the fiddle yet.
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The fiddle wasn't even around, so that's not a real story. They did the same thing with Mussolini. Mussolini was like, he invented fascism. He invented it. His only shortcoming was like, he thought he was going to be best friends with Hitler. He thought he was going to be best friends with Stalin. And so when they killed him, they were like, yo, let's trash his memory.
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And so they trashed his memory, and they made all these big gestures that won over a nation, foolish gestures. They're like, look at him pop. So I was obsessed with Mussolini.
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With piano wire. And his mistress next to her. And her dress went over her head. And then the women came in and tucked her dress to respect her. Respect. His wife lived.
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But your dad's straight up.
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I think that David was supposed to stand on top of the Duomo. Yes, that's what it was. And so he made it proportionally so that when you looked at it, it looked proportional from the height of what you saw it from.
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Oh. So wait, you just went to Florence?
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What's up, buddy? How you doing?
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Look at that. You look good. He's looking good. You look totally different. Yeah. He lost a little weight. Yeah, his fucking mustache looks tight.
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Yeah. Right. Or fly private like Bert. No, I don't fly private to Europe. Yes, yes, dude. You've taken the fucking bus to Europe. I've taken, no, when we toured Europe, we have a double-decker bus. Nice. Fucking next level. Hell yeah. We just went to Paris, me and Leanne, because she'd never been to Paris, and next week we're going to Spain.
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Our kids are gone.
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Is someone listening downstairs? Yeah. I need a Yuca app, and I need a bunch of the food that I eat all the time.
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They were probably eight and six, I'm guessing.
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No, I wasn't not. I was not. But I was working for Travel Channel for not a ton of money. So you missed them. I missed them all. I was gone two weeks, and then on my week off, I'd go do stand-up. Right. And then I'd be gone for two weeks.
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How about this though? This is the, this is the thing I'll say. is stand-up today is not what stand-up was 12 years ago. What do you mean? We all did clubs. Like, no one did theaters. No one, no one did Madison Square Garden 12 years ago. No one did. Unless you're the Nazis. Joe Rogan, 12 years ago, I'm not even joking, 12 years ago, Joe Rogan was doing the Wilbur was like a big deal. Sure.
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I mean, I'm enjoying, I apologize, Joe, if I'm misspeaking, but I mean, I just remember that like no one was doing theaters, no one was doing arenas. And now we're all, I mean, like there's a handful of us doing arenas. I mean, a handful, a lot of comics do arenas and that just didn't exist. So, so what, so what do you think about how, so how, what are you saying?
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Opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it. Like, if you... Like, there was, like, every comic... Every comic did clubs. So every comic did clubs. So you didn't have... Like, if you got an offer at a club, you had to take it. Right.
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I want those protein chips that I eat all the time.
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So, like, if you wanted to continue to be a comic, for me, then that one week off, I had to go do stand-up because those offers were hard to come by. Yeah. And you gotta remember, like, every fucking comic did... I mean, it's so hard for people to wrap their heads around, but, like... there wasn't the opportunities that are out there.
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Like right now when I hear you go, I only do two weeks a month, I go, that would be fucking incredible. But if I had only done two weeks a month back then, I would have never got to where I am today. So I can tell you the comics who did two weeks a month and they don't do comedy anymore.
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You had to be fucking hustling. I think comedy was a lot more of a hustle back then than it is now. Because of the internet. I remember Ali Wong saying, you can take a year off. That is like, I mean, I remember hearing that and going, no, you're not allowed to. What are you talking about? You got to keep your foot on the gas pedal.
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And it was, this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years of doing standup that I took off starting in July to now. And I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall, but I've never taken off. Why? Because you're liking the feeling of being off? No. Because you're doing other shit. I don't want her to reset my comedy. I want her to reset everything.
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I wanted to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material that didn't go in that special be the beginning of the next special.
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I wish. Like, I... I don't know. I'm going to be litigious if this comes out wrong. Okay. There's a couple comics that don't wear shirts on stage now. It's a good thing. Right. And... friend of mine texted it to me, a friend of ours texted it to me and said, uh, this is insane. Like that this, you're the first person to ever take a shirt off. And now these people are taking their shirt off.
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Like, but I didn't read his text. I saw a dude with his shirt off and I clicked it and I go, the fuck is this guy doing? Yeah. I was like, oh my God, how many people do you think see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy? Cause I just did I just did it to him. I was like, this fucking fool with his fucking shirt off. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, what?
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And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage? But here's the deal. I am more comfortable shirtless. So you've got to go where you're comfy wanted. Yeah. I'm like, I am doing who I am authentically. Yes. But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like... I don't know.
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I'll tell you what. We should bring on sponsors and just ruin all our relationships.
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So that's the thing. It's all authenticity. My authenticity was so direct and honest that, I mean, I made a choice to be shirtless on my Showtime special. It was a Showtime special. And they said, you're giving them a reason to change the channel. This when changing the channel was a thing. Showtime said that to you. Look at him now.
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She said, legit, can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off? I said, no, you can't cut in between them. And they go, I think this is a big mistake. And it was. It was the lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone changed channel. The second my shirt came off, they said the ratings dropped. Right. Everyone turned it off. Okay. No one thought this was a good idea. Right.
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But then with the internet, it was like you need a reason to go, what is that? That one reason where... So it was those clips from that Showtime special that blew everything up. Those clips from those... I put four clips. The machine story, fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, and taking my daughter to first grade, John Henry story. And I put four clips up.
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And I remember the machine, the first night got like 3 million views. Yeah. And every single one of them was like 2 million, 1 million, 750,000. Like everyone was skyrocketing. And then the machine got to like... I mean, I don't know, like fucking... 10 million, 12 million, 20 million, 30 million. It's like 50 million right now. But I remember that's when Showtime was like, yo, pull it all off.
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You got to take it all off. Why? Why would they want to take it off? Because they weren't benefiting from it. They weren't benefiting from it.
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I put it on my Facebook page. Shit. Yeah, and they were going to sue me for the price of the special. I was like, I'll give you that money because I need this business. Yeah, because you're selling tickets.
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2000, does someone have a date? 2016? December 27th, I was set up to do the Wilbur January 2017 and I hadn't sold 200 tickets. I hadn't sold 200 tickets and we were panicking and promos weren't a thing yet. No one was doing promos and the machine story went viral And I remember my agent goes, we cleaned up the Wilbur.
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And he's like, by the way, you're sold out at Portland Helium, Buffalo Helium, and New Jersey. And I was like, no, that's crazy.
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Like you wouldn't come close. Buddy, I would, they would pay for a room. You have to give money back to the club. Yeah, a couple times. No, a couple times. A couple times because if you wanted to work there again and they got a fucking upside down deal, you're like, yo, let's figure this out.
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Oh, my whole career, I was like, maybe I'm just not meant to. Maybe I'm not good. Maybe I'm just delusional. Like our friends think you're good, you think you're good, but the fans are saying no for some reason. The crowd would laugh, but just no one would show up. So I'd kill to 75 people, but it's also, you know, it was the road and the road, there were no rules to the road.
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And it was like, yeah, I definitely was like, maybe this isn't going to work out. And then it would work out for Tom. And I was like, fuck man. And then I was like getting older and I'd watch like dudes show up with like, I remember Chris D'Elia had like space pants on. And like a brand new Audi and the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my life.
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And I was like, I was sitting off the side going in jeans with dad shoes. I had plantar fasciitis. No shirt on. Sandals and jeans. Yeah. And I'm looking at going, I guess it just didn't happen for me. And then I'd be in the... Because you were already what?
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So you were like, it's just over. I was like, I was comfortable being...
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uh just a journeyman comic just a really good comic who like maybe not maybe no one stayed in the room to watch um but maybe respected by your peers and all that oh and friends with everyone yeah that was a good set you know but like no one was like hey guys bert's on we like you know what the way they do for like uh yeah like if chapelle's in the room sure if rogan goes up everyone goes come on let's go look at rogan yeah you know i wasn't gonna be that guy and i was like cool and rogan had a conversation with me in the back of the
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of the comedy store, and he was like, hey man, you need to get a Netflix special. And he's like, you're too funny. You need a Netflix special, and I'm telling you. And I was like, Joe, that's like saying, hey man, you need to fuck a supermodel. I was like, how the fuck do I do that? He was like, be undeniable. I didn't know what that meant. And I got fired from Travel Channel.
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Okay, hold on. Okay. Keep going.
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And because of that, I could do stand-up every single night, and I just did it every single fucking night. I did it every single fucking weekend. And then one day, the dude that I liked, that was really like the hot, hot comic, came up and he was like, when did you get funny? And I was like, oh, I've been funny. That was the other thing is I came kind of from out of nowhere.
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So everyone was like, oh, he's just a Travel Channel guy.
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But yeah, I didn't get success until I was like 43.
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Well, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, that's why like, I don't know. I just, I was like fucking foot to the pedal to the metal.
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You have a, you have, I mean, we didn't get paid for pot. I mean, podcasting was like, yeah, it was like we were earlier the game of podcasting, but like you guys can go in and you guys are so good. much better at podcasting than us older dudes, I think. I really think you guys, like I watch you, I watch History of Hugginess, I watch Stavi, I watch Hey Babe back in the day.
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Like everything, you are so good on a podcast that I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should just stop podcasting.
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So I looked at it this way. I was like, yo, I didn't make money for like forever. Yeah. So now that I can make money, I need to – this is exactly what I said. I need to get us a big house. Yep. I need to get the girls in – I got to pay for colleges. Yep. And I was like, buddy, can you imagine – being 43 and knowing that college is like four years away.
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I don't, I mean, I can't remember exact ages or whatever, but like, remember thinking college is coming up and I don't have money for it, nor do I have money for Christmas next year, nor do I have money for, I don't know if I'm gonna have money for a mortgage. Nothing safe for the future. I got nothing saved for the future. I remember going and being in a car in St. Louis at the Helium.
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I had done radio. I drank on radio. I was shirtless in the car. I'm fucking 43, and the manager looked at me, and he goes, how long can you do this for? Whoa. And I was like, huh? He's like, what, are you going to be like a 50-year-old comic? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Am I sad? Yeah. I was like, wait, am I depressing people? Yeah. Like, oh, fuck.
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And then I was like, oh, how long can I do this for? By the way, hadn't sold any tickets that weekend. Yeah. Hadn't sold any fucking tickets. And got into a fight with Doug Benson on stage. And I knew he was posting it Monday morning for his fucking Doug Loves Movies. Wow. And I was like. Like a legitimate fight. Like, by far, if you download this, and I'm sure it's still out there. Yeah.
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And you hit play. you will never be more involved and committed to a bit of content in your life. It is a passionate, heated fight on stage in a sold-out comedy club where he is screaming at me, and I'm confused, and I'm drunk, and I'm trying to give people cheeseburgers, and I leave the room, and then I walk back into the room, and it gets worse, and then I humbly apologize, and I get on stage.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one knows who the fuck I am. Dude, that was that weekend, and I was like, I was like, motherfucker, but the one thing I got on that weekend was Google Trends. He told me what Google Trends were, and I realized, I started seeing spikes. I started Googling why I spiked, and I was like, oh shit, I guess Rogan's a spike. I didn't know that.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I just did Rogan's, but I knew I got followers, but I didn't know that it would help my career. I was like wait. Oh, I'm Tom. That's a spike. I went on with Ari That's a spike when I'm with you. I was like, okay Well, I'll just hang out with my boys a little more and then I was like, oh hot ones is spiking What's hot ones Google it check it out. I was like, oh shit hit up Sean Evans.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go on hot ones huge fucking spike I learned and I marketed my career based on that but man, I am like I like Look back and I am so fucking lucky that I took my shirt off, I posted that machine clip, and I met Joe Rogan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Three things that happened. Had one of those things not happened, I don't know if I'd be where I am. If I didn't post the machine, no, I'd just be like a regular guy that did Rogan a couple times.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach is going to be healthier than Entenmann's.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Louis. It's crazy, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's amazing. I make good money on the podcast. We make great money on the vodka. We're like doing well with the 5K. Everything's good business right now, and I'm just like floating. And then I go, maybe I'll do an arena tour. Maybe I'll do a theater tour. Maybe I'll go do clubs for four months. I was going to say, you go back to the clubs, it'd be wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
wild the funnest touring i ever have is getting the bus in california and just go across the country doing clubs clubs and just do a big loop for like two months yeah no kids at home just do two months of a loop yeah bring your have friends fly out and meet up with you to have them on the road for two days amazing oh we did that right before my special we went on the road for a month straight right doing clubs from l.a all the way down to tampa
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus. And no, no, no. Up to where we started fully loaded. And then we met up with everyone fully loaded toward all the way through fully loaded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he's doing a hair thing consultation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought of that today. No, he's doing a consultation to see if he has enough hair to replace. Right. Does he have enough hair to replace it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. His hair receded here. It's receding here. So they're just doing a consultation. I think he didn't want to go to Turkey. I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done because everyone in LA is like, you don't have enough hair to do it with. So I think he may have to go to Turkey. But that's why he came out to LA and he was like, yeah, I'll do the consultation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the guy's like, I'm going to need to bring other people in to look at this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he just.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, let's look at this person shitting on the dude. His plan was like, when I started shaving my hair, I had hair. I started shaving my head, I had hair. People just think I'm just growing it out. Right. I was like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you going to make a... Was your wife upset about the island of garbage?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And hang on, can I give you a gift?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Apply that in your marriage. Okay. Don't forget perception is reality. Great. Tommy Chong said this to me high as fuck. when you get into a fight, you get to decide if you're angry or not. Yeah. You can also decide to focus on all the great times you had and ignore this one little thing and look past it and go, I'm going to give, I'm going to, I'm going to take all these experiences.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's about to get scanned. Here we go. Oh, just start with cheese whiz. Oh, my God. Start with cheese whiz. Cheese whiz. I'm going to scan this. Easy cheese. I do this a lot. She's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've done that and it fucking works.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
2016, I was in Ohio. We were getting ready to do the... The End of the World podcast, me, Burr, Stan Hope, and Rogan at the store. And I'm in Ohio that weekend before. We're doing it like Tuesday, the election. And I had a joke. For anyone listening, I hope you understand this, but the fun thing to do in comedy is say the thing you think they're going to hate and then win them over with a joke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I said, and I...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The other day, let me tell you the meal I had with this. I had an Oscar Mayer wiener with a Twinkie as a bun cut in half with this on top.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You've been trying it for fucking five years.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was a great episode. Thank you for coming. September 11th. Hey, make sure to check his Hulu special, It's Just Unfortunate, releasing February 21st. Yes. Madison Square Garden on September 11th.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're not a sponsor, right? I think I just buy them because they're keto.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what they're doing is in order to get you low. Additives.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hang on. Zero carb mission tortillas. I fuck with these. 24 out of 100, folks. Not bad, considering my diet's been in the 18s.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ, mayonnaise. Go mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Fucking come on, mayonnaise. Come on, mayonnaise. You're on everything. Come on, let's go, mayonnaise. You're on everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do I eat anything above 50?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on, let's go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Storkist just sent me so much tuna. They sent me a box of this because of the Matthew McConaughey interview. Yep. Fuck yeah, Starfish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down, and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
There was a second where I could have gotten you and Schultz, where the two kind of like white whales. It would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis. Mark Norman. Mark Norman, Santino. It's such a fun group. Whitney, Nikki. It's such a fun. Big J, Dan Soder. It's so fun. And Schultz called me directly, and he was like, I got your offer, and I respectfully declined.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But then his agent was like, you can't afford them. And I was like, okay, I get it. But you want your friends to blow up. It would have been cool, but it's like you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They say do you have a hobby and I go like podcasts? No, like do you have a hobby I go? Shoot content like no like a hobby. I go I'm working on a movie Yeah, and they're like no, what do you do for fun? I go like collect rocks I don't the fuck you're talking about like look at toads take pictures of animals. I don't who the fuck does that I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Walking with a friend is not a hobby. It isn't. Because immediately I go, why don't we turn into a podcast? Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting. Okay, and so let's scrap the ignore that podcasting is a business When are me and you gonna get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out with and go you?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's not how it works at all. Usually you definitely know the guy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can't answer your phone can't look at your phone Let's just talk for the rest of our lives probably never till we're older or if I if you have something you want to promote Maybe we can do it over at my house, but it's like it's kind of fucked up I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour. I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes, got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Parker, Jelly. I see Jelly. Jelly's a little different because I see him and I end up spending a lot of time with him. Yeah, he's somehow so accessible in a weird way. Yeah, but podcasting, I don't look at that as work.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I look at it as an opportunity to hang out with my friends and get to know other people, other men. Oh, for sure. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan together. I never do. So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talk. They have smart brains in a different way than me. Like I'll never think the way they think.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I love you were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy. The Maui peach sorbet. Yeah, I think if you do this. You're doing this the whole time like you're selling fancy to me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I know. This little movement right here just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice. Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're going to like it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was at a Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, oh, no, thank you. What, do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down and shit in our mouths? No, thanks. I think we'll pass.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking, like, well, you want a Mexican blowjob? You're like, hold on. What are we doing here? It's like the donkey show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour. Once a week. Have you ever tried that? For one hour every day? No, once a week he does his show. Once a week. Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Because I think Bonham Murray's collapsed, right?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, no, no, no, no. Me, you, and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity- Starting a fraternity.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You have to do two things at twice. You have to pedal and steer. And it's counterintuitive. My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going, pedals off, gliding, pedals back on, here we go, and boom, hit a BMW. Hard as shit. Over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood. And I was like, God. So then she goes, I'm good, Dad.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hold on. So it was – I'm just going to set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
We were the hosts and executive producers. Oh, wow. You don't remember that? I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going. I think it might have – if I'm not mistaken, I think I might have been the one – That was like, because I had like headsets in and I was talking to producers and it was all our ideas. So we were like, all right, we're going to get these out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Put it in Craigslist. We'll get a fucking party bus. Put it in Craigslist. If we get anyone that applies, we'll take them. We had no fucking background checks. None. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember. I remember that one guy showed up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He had PTSD, and he'd wake up in the middle of the night and marine crawl around the fucking house to check the perimeter.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking, in the garbage can, and we couldn't get him out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He was a full-time fucking ninja. Yeah. And then there was the guy you championed, and you were trying to get a lead. He made out with a chick. Dude, one dude cheated on his wife, and he was like, I think I just ruined my life. And we're like, ah. And so, hold on. Hold on, this is the best. We wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks, so we just hired prostitutes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Everyone was getting laid, but it was because we paid for them. Everyone was like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, was it that all-female band? With tape over their nipples and their pussies. Yeah, Harlow. Wasn't that their name? You remember their name? I think that was them. Google them. Harlow. They had Jack Daniels and pillows. And they created a pillow flight. Feathers went everywhere. And they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths. That's how the pilot opened. My name's Bert Kreischer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity. It's going to get wild. And the girl spit vodka in my mouth. And I was like, I'm married with two kids. Dude, that was, is that? No, that's not them.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's them. Yeah, dude, they were cute. Oh, they were fucking killer. They were hot too, dude. I remember the executive producer came out to the pool. All the prostitutes are naked. They're all in the pool. I'm in the pool in pajamas. And the producer, one of the executive producers goes, I can't use any of this. I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, what's that? And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off. He goes, put them on. I go, what is that? And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, I hope it was me, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head? Yeah, dude, yeah. I mean, we fucking beat up those lesbians. It was the fucking wildest show ever. One of them fucking asked for it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And we stole the wrong goat. We did? Yeah, we had an address that we were going to pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them, like production-wise. So we pulled over to piss and the fucking Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid? Is his name Killian?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Second time we get her, she hits a trash can right away. I'm like, God dang.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
A lot of those guys are dead. Seamus O'Farrell. Is that him? A lot of guys that were in that pilot died. Yeah. Because I was in a Facebook group with him. And like the big guy, or like the big guy, he passed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He had two kids. Oh, did he? Yeah, he was a fucking.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like, wait, were they serving? Yeah. We're like, yeah. What are they serving? Like, you just ate it. Yeah, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then third time she had a fire hydrant, and then we realized she needed glasses. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we had to get her glasses. Yeah, at that point. She's dyslexic too. She hits so much shit. We got a video of her. That kid has been – are we rolling? Are we good? Huh? I don't know. Are we?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, I always say, like – I forgot about that. That was – like, it's like – you know when you discover someone? Like, when – like, I'm thinking of the best examples. Like, Cam Patterson, right? Like, my wife's friends, their kids are in high school, and they came to one of my shows, and they're like – Have you seen Cam Patterson? At the time, I hadn't. And then I was like, no.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him and I was like, oh, he's funny. That moment, we all have it for comics. And I've heard for a very long time, watch people discover you when they go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughn? But I had to discover you too. Like, right, I got to find that you were funny too. Right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I always say it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you just like, like everything you were saying was like so fucking funny. That and, oh no, that and fucking Reality Bites Back. I've always said that like, that finale, Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life. Really? Oh my God. You were dropping dimes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When we were all sitting in the bleachers, I was crying laughing. I have never laughed harder in my fucking life where I was like, this guy, everything you said was fucking hysterical. And you're in a room full of killers. Killers in there. Oh, killers. It was so much fun. Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you remember when Donnell, we were in the car and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, because Mo is like, I love Mo. I love Mo. I'm not shitting on Mo. But Mo was younger than everyone. So he was like trying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he goes, Donnell's in front of the van. He goes, Moe, has anyone ever told you you're funny? And Moe goes, of course. And he goes, name one person. And Moe goes, my mom.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's doing great. Mo's a creative dude, man. He's a very creative dude. Look at Schumer. Holy shit. Hi, I'm Hurt, and I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls. Look at you, Hurt. Look at how loud my voice is. It's our laugh, and it looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay. That kid rolled the dice on life so much, so much. Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this? She would do that. That's how she rode a bike. She liked her stomach to drop. So she'd go, and Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet, and Isla did it and then went over the handlebars. That's the cutest video Georgia looked at me. She goes, Dad, I got it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Wow. Look at you, Hurt. I worked so hard on my career to build a pita house.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
to my favorite one. I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this video, is we did So You Think You Could Dive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you said, everyone practiced diving all week, and you're like, I'm good. I already know what I'm doing. And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10-meter or like the 5-meter. It was high as shit. I went up there. In a wheelchair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but it was before content really. I got an Instagram not for professional reasons. I got an Instagram to keep up with people I knew in high school and college. And then you're like, oh, in comics, cool. No one was posting videos of like promo videos. No. And then I shared everything about my family on everything.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart. And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off that you were going face first. And you fucking landed on your stomach so hard. Came up. That was the fucking. Please tell me you have it. I don't know. Oh, shut the fuck up. Really? Oh, my God.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, look how young we were. Bert, look at you. Oh, my God, look at this. This is what all I did was hit on Greg. Greg Louganis the whole time. And then he got pissed because he found out I was married. Really? Yeah, you remember? That's why he voted me off. He was like, you don't tease a man.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, that's right. Dude, I picked up everyone in the car, and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's going to be an awkward ride home. And I got voted off, and I drove home. And I was like, it was quiet. I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think? And we're all going back to work. God, I was not.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What octave is that? If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's that kid Cameron. Watch.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay, do me a favor. Wow. Go to me getting kicked off. Do you remember this? With Greg Louganis?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive. Is he? I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness. Oh, wow. He's HIV positivity. I saw that bathing suit. I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit yesterday. I told you. All right, go to the end when I get voted off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
This was the biggest regret of my life. Yeah. Like sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I know what you're talking about, Bobby. And so like now I did this and no one laughed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No one laughed, everyone saw it, and it was wildly rolling the dice on it. And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home, and I got in bed with my wife that night, and I didn't know how it was gonna be edited, and I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career. I might have made it, because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show at my daughter's preschool.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I remember the first time I realized maybe I was oversharing is I posted our Christmas card on Instagram. And someone hit me up, a guy we both know that we respect hit me up and he was like, dude, what are you doing? I was like, and it got like a million likes. And I was like, you know, I don't know. You get addicted to the likes. You're like, nice, fucking killed it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's married. Michael, I think, was being, like, honest. Like, this is a bad idea.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, yeah. Oh, yeah. Me, you, Red Grant. Me, you, Red Grant took a bath with Lunell.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you remember? Lunell had two bathing suits on. Did she really? And she took one off. And she goes, boys, wear your bathing suits. And then we took ours off. And then she got out of the bath. And we were all naked. And she took our bathing suits. God.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Kyle's mom was a hired stripper. Yeah. Just so we're clear, Kyle's real mom is dead. Kyle's real mom passed away? Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper. Oh, damn. Well, yeah. I remember meeting your mom, and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make dream catchers in New Mexico.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this shit from Rite Aid.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Jeff Garcia. Jeff Garcia left. Don't play that. I do not need to see that. Hang on. I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that. You know when you've done something and you're like, ah, why did I do that? That fucking moment. That fucking makes my skin crawl.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They said, you're going to bring you in. You're going to seduce somebody. And the more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in and it was our moms. And I In the dark. In the dark. And I told her what I'd do to her, giving her oral sex. I fucking... I think about that because I was honest. I was fucking honest, Theo.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then you don't realize your kids, all their friends see that. And then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in. But that was, we were creating content not knowing what we were doing. Oh, I see what you're saying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You were so good at this. You were so good at this.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, you were so good at the whole fucking game. Like, it got in my head, and I would get panicked because I needed the money, and you were just fucking chill. I was probably on steroids, dude. You might have been.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I could not agree more. They fucked up a lot. By the way, here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up. They should, we should buy that. Me, you, Donna, just people with little money. We should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it. Because that is, we could do one season, we could do five seasons out of just outtakes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say. Do you remember me and Red were in a pool with Amy Schumer and she goes, what are we going to do now? And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine? She goes, what's that? And I go, well, you're Leaky Submarine and we got to plug up all your holes. And everyone's like, Can't use that. And I was like, what? It's fucking funny.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there, I'm telling you, that finale, you had, it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant, and Donnell were in a cluster, and we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight. You were just, they would say something, and you just...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Honest Theo, like the person you are today was there that day and you were stream of consciousness and we were, I've never laughed harder. Damn.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, I talked about Isla's period on one of my specials.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'd invest. I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding. And bodybuilding is pretty – have you ever seen natural bodybuilding? The answer is no. That's a good point. Yeah. You're like, okay, it's pretty fucking boring. You look at real bodybuilding and you're like, yeah, get – that's what I want to fucking look at.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, we did. Hang on. Yeah. Dude, as a comic, okay, certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good. That's got to go on stage. Like something happens and you're like this. It's like, I just, it's a, I don't know if it's like a, I don't know, like if it's a neediness or whatever it is, but she got her period.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, don't buy it. Everyone makes their own fucking choices in life. Look, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now. Are you really? Are you shitting me? Dude, I fucking love it. I jerk off every morning. I jerk off every, if I don't have sex with my wife, my dick's hard and I'm turned on every fucking morning when I wake up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Thinking about my wife, but I'm trying she's not there like today I jerked off she was at the gym working out and I was like or at her trainer or whatever and I was like I'm gonna jerk off. Yeah, I dude it's awesome. I feel alive. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life I'm healthier than I've ever been I do my liver numbers.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's all every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone is repetitive to liver cells. Yes. It's fucking awesome Well, are you I mean, are you still fat or whatever then? Yeah, I Yeah, obese, morbid. Okay. I'm morbidly obese. Okay, I just want to make sure you're still sticking with this stuff. No, I only work out so I can party. That's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rosé. I go, fuck yeah, because I know I was in the gym this morning, hard as shit. I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hard as shit. You look great. I feel great. I mean, I really feel phenomenal.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but testosterone has just given me a zest for life. I mean, the downfall is my face is redder sometimes, so I have to get hair and makeup. My face can get pretty red. From the testosterone? I think so. That's what someone told me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No. I mean, I don't know. I was going to get hair transplants. Leanne doesn't want me to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Your hair, you've always had the thickest goddamn hair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Internet, make that a before and after. Just fields, buns, hairs, transplants. Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you. And it's fucking hysterical. If you type in Burt Kreischer fat, all the pictures have been doctored. And they don't bother me because they're not real. The real ones bother me. The real ones...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I mean, I talked about it on special, but she called me from school and she's like, yo, it happened. I was like, yeah. She's like, what do you need, like new socks? Or like, new panties, new pants, new whatever. She goes, no, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I was like, huh? She goes, we're throwing a period party. And I was like... I was like, okay. Be positive, huh?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
bollywood i want to do that dude there's one type in bollywood uh motorcycle motorcycle dance there's i was so for a promo i wanted to recreate this and i was going to fly to bollywood all right and do my promo in bollywood dude money goes pretty far in bollywood so i could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production bollywood motorcycle dance That's it. I bet that's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bollywood music video. Guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance. I'll get all the people. And you gotta find the, never mind.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful. It's a whole movie. I don't know why we don't have more of that. I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bollywood Disney? Yeah, do they have a Disneyland in India? They have to, huh? No. I went out to dinner with a couple. That's good. And they go, did you... Leanna just went to Paris. And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like... No. And they're like, why not? And I was like, because I'm a fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, we went. It's so awesome.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you. Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris. Oh. As opposed to just being in Paris. They went to Disney in Paris.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's the same fucking Disney. Go to Orlando. Save some fucking money. Stay here. Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day. They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse, who, by the way, just is Mickey Mouse. It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse. They're like, it was amazing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's fine. That's totally fine. That's like, hey, man, this is my culture. I want to see how you represent my culture. Yeah. But going to see Mickey. You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse. Come on, what the fuck are we talking about? God damn it. Yeah, I don't. Listen, when I travel, I like to do. I like to. I like to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit. I want to sleep in. I want to wake up. I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, a couple beers, keep walking around. And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city. That's the fun way to do it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like 2 in the morning, know you can sleep in the next day. Wake up, go for a jog. That's what I'm talking about. You will not find me at fucking Paris Disney.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Immediately as the night went through. And by the way, I put it on all social media because it's funny. And no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know? And you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing. And then Isla the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Wait, can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What if, right? you don't know what the other team you're playing against is. And in playing the game, you've got to guess what they are. So all their answers are one way. So you're like, where's the best place to vacation? And you hear a bunch of people go, you're the... Team you're playing against said Jamaica. Yeah, and then the other one's like Birmingham. Yeah. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah Yeah, and so then and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible But try to guess who the other people are. Okay, never mind bad pitch because you could just lie and and misdirect people keep going
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's not – No, that would probably – We got to take that one out. But – No, ADHD kids versus autistic kids.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That would be great, dude. And autistic kids don't need to talk. They do mental telepathy. Yeah. They don't talk anymore. They just – Just saw a documentary on that. Google it. And you put the two of them against each other, it'd be fucking great.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
you fuck what you get, okay? That's the name of the pitch. So a guy goes up, okay, like we bring up Theo Vaughn, and you have a room full of 100 women. And you guys, ladies, on your, by your chair, you'll see a little panel. On a scale of one to 10, rate Theo Vaughn. You can present yourself. My name's Theo. I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand-up comedian. I have a podcast. I'm on tour.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Born in March. Born in March. Yeah, give them your sign.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Nice. And then you ladies rate him on what you think. And so they go, Theo Vaughn is an eight. And you go, cool. Now, Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you. So look back at your panel and see what number you are. And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six. He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out. So it just thins out the herd.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Social media, maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday. I was like, good call, 10-year-old or 12-year-old, whatever you are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And you're like, all right, you are what Theo is willing to fuck. Now... Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal. You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10. And if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney. That's your vacation. You've got to go to Paris Disney.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But if you pick the eight, we're going to send you to Bali and you're going to be on the beach all week. You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest, out of your league. You can't get her. By number standards, you can't get her. And then you take the two on the date and you pick who they are. What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people. I'd go with an eight to Bali.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'd go with an eight to Bali, too. I'd go with a six to Bali. Did you really? I would. Well, my wife, but she's more like a six and a half. Is she? I think so.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can I do a secret time? Yeah. One of my favorite things in the world. I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast at Zany's, and you came by to say hi and support her. Oh, yeah. And she called me bawling crying. She goes, you know... Really?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
She goes, I was so nervous, and I was so, you know, I feel like I'm in a different space, and I'm doing my podcast, and, you know, and... And she goes, baby, I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something. She called crying. She goes, Theo came. I went, what? She goes, Theo came.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself because they're real people. She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support. And I was, I got emotional telling it. So I was like. I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you, and it's just not about a business. Yeah. But thank you for doing that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that. Yeah, of course you did. That's who you are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's it. You found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Look at this. Look at this, Theo. Promo video for my new tour coming, right? Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good, Theo.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Look at this. Look at this, Theo. How great is this?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Theo, you would have never left your caste system. Are you going to AI Theo's face in it? I was going to do you, but... Do me, do me, do me, do me, do me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You would have never left your... No, it's just Indians.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can I ask you an honest question? Yeah, 100%, man. This is why I don't do – I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects. Because I noticed that I have – for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control. And I'm not good at it. So I did something for someone one time, and the whole time, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm wasting my life, I'm in fucking makeup, and no one's treating me with respect, and I'm fucking, and I was like, I'm just sitting in a goddamn trailer, waiting for some 18-year-old to come and tell me it's time, and I can't walk around, and I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. And a friend of mine said, just giving you a heads up, notice this in yourself.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And don't allow yourself in that situation. She'll get a bad rap. It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they didn't. Blake Lively or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But I'm team Blake Lively. I like her, I think. Yeah, I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But did you, in doing it, did you, because I know how internal you are and I know how kind of pensive you are. Were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I just was like, no, this is their life. What am I doing? Like what part, what need do I have to jump in, make it an event, event like, ah, and then I don't know. So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy too. Just like removing myself, slowing down, listening. Yeah. Well, Leanne and I are in couples therapy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just me you know do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something they want it? They want you to come in and do something and then they're like try to like script it for you a little bit like my example is like They'll be like you take your shirt off right? I was like.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I don't know maybe I mean I don't know it's fucking 10 degrees out here, and they're like okay, but it's coming off though right it's like maybe you just come on you rip your shirt off and be like kill a beer and I'm like I I also talk. Yeah. But it's like sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as a producer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They go like, so you'll just, like they did it today and we're like, he'll just come in like a hurricane with his hands going up like this and he'd be like, ah. But there was no, did you find that happening to you ever?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No way. Yeah, I'm fucking killing her. Like, I've won three. She's only won two. Two ties. I'm smoking her, dude. The very first therapy. The very first therapy. The therapist. Like, I was just... Like, we went into couples therapy in a good place. We were in a good place. But the girls both went to college. We're spending a lot of time together. And, you know, and like...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, they didn't like try to get Josh Wolfe in and I remember as a substitute But they just moved the lines over to a different character But when I watched it back the guy had two lines and it would I would have better be there for 12 weeks It just wasn't a good fit right the first movie I ever had a friend did Tom did a movie with Mark Wahlberg Yeah, and he was there for like five weeks and I was like I was like, oh cool You're so you're in a lot of scenes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like I'm like two scenes and I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks? He's like, yeah, that's part of making a movie. I was like, well, I guess I'm not making a movie. And then I was like, I'm not going to fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks. You've got to be kidding me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
We're we're keeping that or we're not keeping that or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing Then I just can't do that for me It's just how I work You know when I got back from Serbia someone had written a part in a TV show for me and they text me like yo I wrote a part for you and I was like, um, yeah, I'm gonna do it He's like we haven't even read it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, I know that but it's not my show Yeah, he's like, well, hold on. Hang on. I wrote it for you and I went okay I don't know what to tell you but I can tell I can just tell you Yeah that if I go on to your show
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm going to have feelings and I'm probably not going to be great and I'm going to be in a fucking different city from my family and I just got back from Serbia and I kind of want to go on tour and I kind of want to do my podcast and I kind of want to, like I don't want to go on to another set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking eats snorts coke or whatever, you know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And so he was like, and I was like, and I'm friends with you and right now it seems we're friends. Right. So let's just keep the friendship and then we don't have to work together. Yeah. It's funny because it's like, if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, Yeah, you're my friend write a part for me and now I'm just like no, please don't write a part for me
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Are you kidding? Can, wait, for anyone listening, that's how tough Hollywood is right now. Right now they are not making movies. No one's making movies.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But also... Wait, wait. I know what you're saying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But... You mean two cisgendered white privilege males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood? I don't know. But that's the funniest fucking thing that there's – because there is semi-truth to that. But also we have had opportunities our entire life. But also it's like you talk to any fucking writer, any writer in Hollywood who's like 50, a dude who's white, they cannot get a job.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like they cannot work. And they lose – and these are all liberals. Like you got to realize a Hollywood liberal writer – Man, he's fucking storming the Capitol about those goddamn scripts. That's crazy. It's crazy. Talk to any of them. They're all like fucking, dude, whatever's happening in Hollywood. I was like, you've had a good run.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Both of us were like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived. I've always been on the road, home Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday. And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from stand-up right now, so I'm taking like a year off, and we're just around each other so much. We're like, maybe we should just be in front of it in case something happens.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend. David's a legend. David Spade is, like, I always think. He's a legend. When you look at, like, SNL, right? Did you watch 50 years?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay. But when you watch it, it's pretty epic. I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50 because you watched a lot of it. Yeah. If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get it. why these racist sketches.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, where's Timothee Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson's not in more sketches? Where's fucking, you know... Chaperone, yeah. Chaperone. But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold. Eddie Murphy doing... Tracy Morgan?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan. It was so funny.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. This was my favorite sketch ever. We can't play it because it'll get docked.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But, dude, it was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like when you look at – so when you look at comedy history, right? Yeah. When they talk about comedy history, now it's kind of interesting I think because you look back at the last 50 years. Yeah. And there's only like a handful of names but legends that will – like Belzer, he'll be remembered. Richard Belzer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl LeBove will be remembered. He was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics. Like, so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation. David Spade will not be lost in conversation.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Right, like see what's going on. Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, the first therapy, Leanne interrupted me, and the therapist goes, now you know me, right? He goes, does he ever talk? I was like, oh, this is awesome. She's got, I've got, Leanne got crossed up. She's like on her heels. Like, wait, what the fuck? He won't shut the fuck, he's just not talking now.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Out of all the SNL people, he has had one of the most probably... fucking crystal clear pristine hysterical his movies will fucking forever be talked about tommy boy black sheep uh meet joe dirt uh the fucking all he's a legend and to make a movie with him is like that's the coolest thing you ever like you're ever gonna get to do
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
If someone's like, Theo, I don't get it, you'd be like, hold on. Hang on. I hit dingers. What I do is just tell jokes, and I'm just funny. So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try. And a lot of people would be like, I don't know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's what I think. When I did The Machine, the very first night, I was like, I'm not going to drink.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When was the last time you fell off the wagon? Oh, man. What's it like when you – like the morning after? Is it like shameful or do you go like – Like is it, cause that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't want to fucking, I don't want to relapse.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, like honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult cause you, you're doing so well and you're like, I'm feel good. I'm losing weight. I feel fucking happy. Like, well, I don't want to drink. And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise and champagne. And then the next morning it's just like the fuck you, you let everyone down.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking. Right. Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down. That's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I never, like, it was like, oh yeah, this is badass.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, it's like the same way like you ever see someone that loses weight, right? Yeah. And they're like, I lost like 90 pounds. You're like, cool. And then they gain it back plus some. And you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight. You should have just stayed that fat. That fat was good for you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Sometimes people lose weight and you're like, I'd like to have fat.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, fuck, isn't that crazy? You can change. Because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality. Oh, yeah. Because there's a narcissism. And by the way, take whatever you're going to grant us all. There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing. I'm going to get real skinny. I want to get ripped. Like it's okay to get healthy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But like when you go like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something? You could change your race. Like, what if you like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just to be like, oh, you're eating a lot of blueberries? Like, I'm going to be black next month.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. You're eating a lot of matzo. You're like, taxes are due in April. You know how it is. Fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What's up with the burritos? You're like, oh, my yard's a fucking mess. I got to fucking clean that shit up. Jesus. Yeah, somebody's got to do it. What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit. That's all. Just want to get my good credit score. God damn. Whoa, what's up with eating pussy? And you're like, I don't know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I'm not, I'm never going to find a therapist. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that. Yeah. And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy. You're like, were you like, I remember I had a buddy one time, we were at a beach, and he was like, hey, man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone, but I want to run it by you and see if you think it?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, I say no when people say that kind of shit. I fucking. Oh, I said yes. I said, yeah, we were drinking, we were smoking weed. I was like, run it by me. He goes, there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do. And I was like, please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go, okay. And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But I do it and I'm not gay. And I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it. And I said, okay. What's the thing? And he goes – I jerk off and I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I jerk off too. I jerk off too. Oh my God, I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off because that's what they tell you at Catholic school.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yes. I need to slow down. I have FOMO. I want to be involved in everything.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You don't jerk off, don't touch yourself, it means you're gay. You want to play with dicks. That was what being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like. Where you're like, oh my God, I want to suck dick too. God. But how do you let them know? Do you just be like, hey. I would love to see that. I would love, I would love. Two gays in the wild or whatever meeting each other?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yes, like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men. The Memphis homosexual. Yeah. And then you can watch them kind of feel each other out. Yeah. perusing the Whole Foods produce section. What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player, who then is like, you can't tell me I'm gay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm gonna beat your fucking ass. And you're like, okay. You know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That doesn't make any sense. I wish I could find out. Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram, I guess you could, but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up. And apologize to them or whatever? No, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to me, and you're like, uh-oh. You're like, I hope it's not me. Someone get him a glass of water, quick. Count to 10 while you're drinking, 10 sips.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude. I get, when I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I'm I gotta go downstairs. I go, what are we doing? Hang on, we're playing with the dogs? I wanna be a part of that. Like, dude, I, and my day starts early, and it just, I slam it. Because if I have any downtime, I get in my head, I get on my phone. It's just not positive. And so I pack my days.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think oh, yeah, I mean it's like different I mean, I I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys I'm sure that I'm sure they do about like the way we think and they're like, oh, yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, everything – like, you ever seen white people make fun of – black people make fun of white people's texts?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Is it good? It's so good. But, like, the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate. Black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text, and they think it's crazy. They're like, shut up. Hold on. There was a text, H-O-S... And they were like, what do you think? It's a black dude reading it. He speaks white.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he goes – they go – and his girlfriend is like, what is H-S-O-O-B? What would that mean? And he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's hold on one damn second, buddy. And everyone's – and they're like, what?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he's like, oh, yeah. But they find that funny. So like everything – you can find everything funny. Like I still think like – Like, I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time. And I went up behind Tom and I went... Actual glass? Wine glass? Yeah, wine glass. Oh, that's very dangerous. Yeah. And I went up to him behind his shoulder.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I went, cocktail? And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They wanted to teach us the Dewey Decimal System so bad when we were kids.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Right? I mean, honestly, if you're like, okay, what are you going to watch? I want to watch a high jump. A guy can high jump seven feet. And you're like, that's cool. And they're like, there's a dude who can do 10 feet. And you're like, what do you mean? Like over a basketball hoop? Like, yeah, 10 feet. It's like fucking crazy. And they light it on fire. And you're like, oh, put that one on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's just like supply and demand. What do you want to watch? A guy sprint. Sprinting is pretty cool, right? The sprinters are pretty cool. Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill. I want to watch that head-to-head. But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys. And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah. And you're like, whoa. I mean, physical capabilities.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I had a therapist tell me one time, you have FOMO. I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When you see people... It's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroids. Why would you ever put the two together? I want to see the big ones.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were? How great was baseball? It was so fucking great. And then they ruined it by taking steroids away. And these guys weren't, I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing. They were doing steroids. But I think it was all for recovery.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It wasn't like they were like – I don't think they were doing – I think they were doing TRT, if I'm not mistaken. I don't remember. I don't really know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I have a size 8 head, and now my head – size 8 hats.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And hit that guy that works in the booth. HGH. Okay, that's a real one.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They don't even, yeah, before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is fucking insane. Oh, yeah, brother. Look at him.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. When you got sober, did that change? Because there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go, hey, man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I challenged Israel Adesanya as a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first. And Izzy was like, I talked to Izzy about it, and he was like, I'm not going to lie. It'll be an interesting fight because he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted. And I was like, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and, like... And Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink, but Shane Gillis can drink 12 beers and not feel a thing. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, and just giving us 12 beers. We haven't increased our level at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking fighter.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He came to my New Zealand show, and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears, and I wanted to do it. And he came up, and they're like, I got a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking, wild shit. Like I said it about everyone. I do it to everyone. I did it to Conor. I just like guys I know have sense of humor, the cage fighters.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys. Michael Bisping, They're funny fucking dudes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Most of those guys are. Most of them. There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy. But I don't mention those guys. Sugar Sean, fucking great, dude. He is fucking awesome. He has the best sense of humor. Dude, Conor, hysterical. Nate Diaz, fucking love Nate. Nick, all of them. But I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then everyone's like, he does, he does, he does. And they're like, I get a text, can I come to your show? I was like, yeah, of course. DM or something. So I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with all his buddies and comes over and he's like, hey, the machine. And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He goes, you still want to fucking fight me? And I went... And he goes I just get around I was like oh my god.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, he just works out really hard. He looks so thin here. No, that's not him. Those are different bodies. But he is very thin. Right now he's like 186 pounds. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's really thin. He works out really hard. He does. And he watches everything he eats.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The healthiest I've seen him look. Jelly is down 130 pounds, and he looks fucking great. And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me. But anyway, we did this as a lark on two bears. Me and Tom said, well, let's do a 5K. Because I've always run. I ran the LA Marathon. I've run half marathons, Tough Mudders, Spartan races. I've done all of them. I enjoy the event. The event for me is fun. 5K is so digestible. I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the Super Bowl.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K. And I've always had stupid ideas, like big tentpole stupid ideas that never pan out. And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it. We called a bunch of celebrities on our, you know, comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed. Barely any of them showed up. But Jelly Roll heard it. And he went on Nelk Boy's podcast and he was like...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I need to get in shape. And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Bustin' with the Bears. You forget how big he was. And so he said, I'm going to commit to Bert and Tom's Two Bears 5K, and I'm doing my first 5K. And he started training. And I get FaceTimes from him. He's like, I hate this. Does this get any better? I was like, it doesn't. It takes a while before it starts getting better.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
and he did came out like like go to his word came out to la did the 5k with me my i wore a 50 pound weight vest look at how big wow he forget how big he was
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, look at it. By the way, look at fucking Taylor. Look how big Taylor looks.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's crazy that his wife married that and then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink-182.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's what I heard. So Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year, and we did it. I wore a 50-pound weight vest.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He did it last year. He did it last year. He lost like 70 pounds. People Magazine did a big write-up on him. He really kind of... Event ties the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop. And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race. Like, dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife, Leanne, and him. We walked the whole thing. And then as we crossed the line, he was crying, Bunny was crying, Liam was crying, you know I was crying. And Jelly's like, you might have, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
So we're doing it in Tampa May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be such a big fucking event. Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium? We're doing it in the stadium, and then we're partying on the field after. We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas. We've got a rope climb. People are coming out and doing it with y'all? People are doing the 5K.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm going to run the first heat, I'm going to run the second heat, and then I'm going to run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne. And how far is it, seven miles? No, it's three miles. It's so doable. Oh, it is?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them. And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It happened December. It happened January 1st. So it's been a month, and now they're fine. They're fine already? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You're not going to lose your hair. You can always give so much fucking hair. Can I have some? No. I would love some of your hair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You look like you have a ton of hair right now. That I was shedding. What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs, so then it'll be perfectly peppered.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I love it, dude. Because it's so beautiful that it... I remember the song I lost my virginity to. I remember the song I got my first car to. I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to. I remember the songs for me. Like, I get very emotional listening to music. I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me. I'm crying. And...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing, I'm a song, and I, so he went, and he goes, and he had to stop, he goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that? Like, I cried out loud. But man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played, and I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I've had very, very, I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these. This band is so fucking great. But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me. Because I just, I love music. And I think sometimes, like, I'm good at a podcast, like, if I'm talking to you. Because, I don't know. But sometimes with, like, younger comics, I'm at the best.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Because I don't, like, I don't know. I'm not great, you know. But with musicians, I'm so much, I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are. And I don't know anything about them. And you get to kind of deep dive them. And you've had some great fucking musicians on. I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But you get a lot of access to cool shit. It's a mirage, yeah. That's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is, and I wouldn't say that you like it, but I noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see. You get to go do everything. I look at yours, I'm like... You're at UFC. You're at fucking Jelly Roll Show. You're at Kid Rock Show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You're like at the fucking Republican National Convention or whatever the thing, the inauguration. Like I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity. You don't get that if you're just talented. You got to be famous and talented. And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way so that you're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark. Oh, yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I was like, that only comes with celebrity. Well, I'm a fan of hers.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Card with Jelly Roll. Oh, Wild Ones.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I texted, I DM'd her one time. I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I just met those dudes Do you know that they got that they said I was talking to the to Dexter and and Fucking slinky. It's not slinky. That's what noodles Dexter noodles, and they said you know that a lot of white supremacists Adopted that song. Oh, yeah, you know another song white supremacist adopted. Oh, oh These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Well, dude, I mean, I think it – I'm sure you've gotten negative feedback in your life and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent. And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were going to see it. And you're like – like if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours and he sees it and then he's like, oh, fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think that was the – I mean, I think there was a bunch of issues. I think number one is his catalog. His catalog's very big in the culture. In white culture, I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only had, like, two crossover songs. I think he played both of them. But, like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened, and, man, we loved it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It was really fun in the stadium. Maybe on TV it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium. The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take. Did you hear his? He was like – because, you know, Kid Rock's, you know –
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud Light. Oh, Bud Light, I'm sorry. But his take was... He did this for the culture. Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful. Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop, in hip hop. And so his take was really kind of insightful. He's like, yeah, we did this for the culture. He did this as representation of like everyone on stage is black. It was all about like inside what they listen to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude. Here are my take, okay? It's fucking New Orleans. Kind of. Why not celebrate Boozy, Wayne, Master P? Why not the way they did LA? It doesn't have to be black. I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr. sang at the beginning. There's a lot of talent that isn't. New Orleans is like a black music town. Jazz, hip hop. I put juvie.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bruno Mars is... There's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, top to goddamn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize. Yeah. It is... That guy is... So talented. Justin Timberlake, worth my money. New kids on the block. Bring them back. I would be a cool Super Bowl show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I said out loud, it should have been Lil Wayne and Juvie and everyone. And then I did a show at the Super Bowl with Nicky, Tony, and Shane. And I didn't even see my critique come back at me. But someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown. They should have performed here. And I went, oh, fuck. I was like, I didn't even think.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I didn't even. But you guys asked me to come do it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But one of these days, these boots are going to walk all over you. Jews. Oh. Stomp. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that in the old school. You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos? They didn't do a music video, did they? I don't think so. I haven't seen that if they did. They would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan, and he's like,
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm going to interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know. Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican inauguration? Yeah. For real? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. I could do it in five minutes. You want to do it? A buddy. It's part of what I'm working on in therapy. Really? Let people have their own thing. Oh. Yeah. I get my fingers in everything. And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay? And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You know, I've never thought of you as, I've never thought of you as political. I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life. Like that's, I mean, that's my perspective. Like I didn't, I honestly, I, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope. That's fucking crazy. Like I would go in a heart, I'd go in a fucking heartbeat.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I went to, I went to George Bush's when I was a kid, I went to George Bush's state of the union. I went to Bill Clinton's state of the union and George Bush's state of the union. No one ever called me on it. Like I was, I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18, whatever the fuck it is.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I went to both. I went to the State of the Union like every time we got a president, my uncle would get me in. Wow. And I just think it's a crazy, wild thing to see democracy working. And like if I got invited to an inauguration or – I mean I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm not going to go like, go like, I'm going to get you fans. Right. But like, if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I fucking go.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Well, you should. I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right? Yeah. I'm saying this to hear it. But what you have to realize is the people that love you, love you. And then fuck everyone else. That's the truth, is I'm trying to get to that. The people that love you, love you. And fuck everyone else. Because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text. For sure. In one manner or another. They're bothered by everything good happening in your life. It's a reflection of their shortcomings. And they're like, didn't know you were so MAGA. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then he'd go to like their fucking, their big barn and they're burning his cross.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
My group doesn't exist. My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey man, uh, you have a problem with your drinking, and I go, I'm doing pretty good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's always guys in the system or whatever it's called, and they're like, hey, man, you know you have a drinking problem. I go, okay. I had a guy tell me. I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after. He goes, just because you think you make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have – three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You think that that didn't mean you have a problem? I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that like I got fucking feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me, but like right now we're doing pretty solid. So like I go, I, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system and they were like, uh,
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's gonna show its head up in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction. It's like, you gotta take care of the problem. And if you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like go like, hey man, like my wife, was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic and then realized, oh no, my parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood. I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top. She did it. My wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then. Doesn't even give a fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I was like, oh, wow, I want to be like that. I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink. Sure. Like last night, had a couple drinks, and then I was like, oh, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow. So I was like, I'm going to go to sleep, watch the documentary on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix, how do you think they title the World War II movies? Do you think they're like World War II, we were also in it? Mmm cuz like I was watching it left out of all it's like World War two Road to Victory is the one we get What do you think the job cuz they have Japanese Netflix, huh? Almost good. Oh, that's good. So close. Yeah, what were two?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I watched I watched I watched Inglourious Basterds with a German guy. Oh, yeah That's uncomfortable.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it's like watching Django Unchained with a bunch of black guys.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like, oh, those are really bad guys, man. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Special comes out March 18th. March 18th. Yes. And I think it's my best one. Lucky. Because I'm the luckiest man alive. You know, yeah, I might be right about you. Buddy, I am. Think about it. If I pitched me to you. I wouldn't believe it. Right? 25 years old in college. Been in college seven years, roughly. Yeah. No degree. No chances of graduating. No hopes of graduating.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No real direction in life. Rolling Stone Magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party animal in the country.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And a Bucs fan. Back when the Bucs and the Saints sucked.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
From Florida. From Florida. Before anyone knew what a Florida man was. Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers. All my people in my life off around Florida, man. Rolling Stone Discover Magazine discovered me called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone options the rights of my life. I moved to New York. Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's weird now. But I moved to LA. I get my first TV show on The X Show. I then get another development deal at CBS. I meet the love of my life. I keep working in TV. I get fired. I get on travel channels. I mean – All the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends, you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world. The funniest people in the world. But yet people will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to. Like that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari. Some of them drug me. But like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you think that was the first cross-burning? They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side. So, like, let's spread it out. Like, the fire's too centralized. Well, I think that's probably why they burn a cross. It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp. I don't understand. I mean...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But like you look at your group of friends and your – and there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. But they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been. And – And I get to do what I love. And for work today, to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker, but I also think, I really believe this, you have to identify your luck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I mentioned this in the special. You just have to start looking at things as half full, and don't, like, even the bad things go, that needed to happen to me. That had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it, you know? I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through And and then I go thank God like I think I was thinking of it today.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was I was like I Hate that Theo had to go through you know drugs and alcohol cuz that's so not him and that's never been who I know you knew you to be I never even knew you to party to be dead honest. Yeah, I never saw it. Yeah, and I go but you know I'm so glad he did cuz he's so fucking grounded now like he seems like in I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
such a better place and he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie like those fucking wild stories where you're doing coke with daryl strawberry and fucking the bronx i mean you have all these crazy adventures now but you're so like like i go you just gotta look at it and go that sucked then but that's that's then this is now we're now we're lucky yeah yeah no you got to be here to tell them
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
dude, I mean I I'm Lucky I went to yeah for sure lucky I'm lucky as fuck and I think if I can put luck out there like I'd say I bought like $100 worth of pennies. It's a lot of pennies. Mm-hmm more than you'd think Wild and I just started throwing them around LA just flip them on the ground every time you see a penny You're like, oh shit. Good luck. Yeah, I was like, oh, why not?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just give that to people like just a little And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it. And I'm like, fucking, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car. So everyone gets good luck when they get in their car. Fucking copper Johnny Appleseed. Copper Johnny Appleseed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, that weekend. I'm in Vegas. March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, man. Thanks, man. Like, we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see. It's so, man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics. And you're in that short list. And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nikki.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When Nikki... Oh, I know Nikki did the Golden Globes. They were in a text thread when you crushed it like But you're in that shortlist you Shane Nikki Tony Hinchcliffe my people in my family knows yeah, and it's man. It's cool when You get a text from your kids. You're like dad. Did you see the fucking what was the Theo what I forget what it was?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They're like have you seen the best of Theo and I was like no and then Georgia sent it to me she's like dad she's
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I'm going to go back on tour maybe October. We'll see. We'll see.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's done a lot of documentaries. He's done a ton. But he does, like, gossip documentaries, you know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hang on, hang on. Let's hang on. Pick that apart. That is fucking hilarious. If they built the cross, it's covered in fucking kerosene. And you see a guy at the bottom. I can't get it. Hang on. It's too windy. Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the comedy store.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's like being with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven. Can you climb in and see if you can get it out? You're like, no, fuck no. Well, that's why Jews invented the self-cleaning oven, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They can't, huh? Well, unless the Jews actually invented the self-cleaning oven, then it's just fucking... That's just factual information.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You do? I didn't do therapy. I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much, meaning...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's how I did it with both my girls. Then we go to a subtle decline. And we do it that way with feet up the whole way. Then we put the pedals back on and teach him how to pedal. So easy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
two bears Burkast something's burning and tour so every day I'm talking like four hours a day and I was like I just was losing my voice like crazy I was like I can't talk I just don't physically want to talk anymore and then and then when I took time off I was like like second I took time off like my first week I got really depressed so I was like really yeah and
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But are you able to figure out what that depression is?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Not being on the go, not having something going, not like, hey, we've got to pack you up, we've got to get you to da-da-da-da. We're going out to Boston, you're doing the thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, I don't get burned out. What was happening to me was creative. Like creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out. Oh, yeah. And so I was like, I got a – like I got done this last hour. It was premiering on Netflix March 18th. I think 18th. So I'm going to check that. Lucky.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And when I got done doing that hour, I feel like I – you know how when you start a new hour – Scrap everything and then you go to your joke, but you know, I got like 20 minutes, right? I for this special I dumped everything fucking seven-minute stories turned it into a three-minute story.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I dumped everything I just piled this my first four minutes was initially like ten minutes and I crammed it So I wanted to be good cuz it's like, you know, it's like my sixth special So I don't want people to think I got lazy but then when I got done I was like, you know, I I need to bri need to write and I was like my girls are in college and I'm with Leanne all the time.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, what am I talking about? Like, who am I? What am I going to like? And so I was like, I'm taking time off. But my first week I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just like depressed, looking at people touring, having fun, looking at like. So severely just that fear of missing out. Missing out, man. Like, I just I love the energy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And we pulled fully loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing. This summer? This summer. We do Fully Loaded every summer, and it's so fucking fun.