Bert Kreischer
Appearances
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whoa.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It is. It is.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
History right here. Oh, here's another one. And another one. And another one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Always. You know? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like cheesesteak in Philly.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The Hottest & Baldest Episode Ever w/ Sean Evans | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like it, man. That's a good plan. I think this time off has been good for me. Taking on too much is not good for anyone, man. I know. It's not good for anyone. So how long will she stay in Spain, though?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Of dedicated weightlifters. That's not of the population. Of dedicated weightlifters can do 400. Do you think there's people in the population that can bench 400 pounds that don't lift weights? There's a couple freak shows for sure, like genetic anomalies, you know, like farmer's sons who are just out there hauling hay every day that are like freak shows.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I refuse, by the way, one of their favorite things to do is to take my phone and they go, hey, I'm Tom. They go, I'm Tom. And then they're like, I have your phone. And I always grab, I'm like, don't, if that shit's unlocked, I'm like, fuck no. Do not look at that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but most of the time, this is like somebody really dedicated to doing that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I was proud of you. It went through a phase where at first you were like, I don't know if I can. This is when you had the first date, which was I think New Year's Day. And you were like, I've gotten, I forget, 290 or something. And you were going to do 305 or 315? Right before New Year's, I did 305 twice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I see Rogan talking to fucking Dr. Phil. I'm looking at the search bar. Hold on, bro. Okay. Fat. Fat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
there you go it's right there word okay summer with an a with an a yeah okay okay with an a the fun way now go to the instagram go to the instagram i'm sure it's the one that says loading that one i don't know i mean that's what we went to oh it's probably it can someone over here find it let me see is it a
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you hearing that? Yeah. So white girl? Yeah, let's just see if that pulls up. How about the one said fat N-words need love too. I don't know if that's it. Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, it's real bad. I'm getting a lot of war videos, a lot of war.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, a lot of war videos. I think from Ukraine. they're pretty rough man yeah people falling on their heads and then I get and then like I get some car stuff and then I don't know Greek I saw a dude I saw a dude on a electric bike yesterday get hit by a car and wrap his leg around a stop sign and it broke his leg in a circle
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, jeez. I thought you witnessed it in person.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, that's fucking cool.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's exciting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, it's going to be in the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I thought before that, when you were like, I've gotten 290 or something, I was like, yeah, you might, you might not. It was like kind of up in the air. Once you told me you were moving it, but upping the weight, I actually thought you were crazy for a second because you're like, I got this, but now I'm moving the day and I'm raising the weight.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I knew it. I knew it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And she also, the moment the video cuts off is the moment the video cuts off. Like it was, I didn't edit because people were like, Oh, it sounds like you were about to get really aggressive with her. I was like, yeah, I did. But they just stopped recording.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, I wasn't. I wasn't. I mean, it was an insane series of events to watch somebody hit your car, walk up to them and go, hey, you just backed up into my car, and have that person look at you in your face and go, I don't think I did.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and i'm like uh i watched you and then she goes i don't think i did i go i don't not like do you think you did you did yeah i don't think i did and then you're like yeah your trailer hitch has the paint from my hood on it you know yeah i saw that video of you yeah and then the next day i saw on like joke world or something yeah yeah this on instagram
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, this was, I didn't know I was being recorded, but yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, well. But the trailer thing, I was like, lady, not only did I watch it, like there's the trailer hitch and there's the hood of my car. It's like a perfect match. There's the paint on the corner. Yeah, there's the paint. Yeah, it was just nonsense.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, a bunch. A whole bunch. That's crazy. A whole bunch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, no. Why would you make this person accountable? And then, yeah, just like, hey, man, why are you putting this out there? You're trying to get her in trouble? You're like, what? Yeah, good thing you can afford it. Yeah. You know, if you're going to drive that car, then just, yeah, just pay for that. I'm like, wait, what? Like, I watched somebody hit the car.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Why wouldn't it be their responsibility?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. I think if your Russian is anything like your Spanish, we should just have a translator there. But I'll tell you this. I'll be good. You like bear?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think he'd be a fun interview. I know. I wonder if the Kremlin will take us up on this offer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. That's cool. Yeah, let's see what they say. I'm sure we'll heal back. Can you guys follow up on that? I told you I've been doing a dive on Mussolini lately.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, that's pretty crazy because if you're not there, you're making it much harder. Then when you told me you had done a couple reps of 305, I was pretty certain you were going to get it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, man. This guy was a piece of work, dude. Like... First of all, he stabbed a classmate when he was a teen, and he got kicked out of boarding school.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
then talking about are you talking about the memoir he wrote dude his memoir when he forced himself onto a teen this is when he's in his 20s he forced himself onto a teen girl like he was a teen he was a 26 27 year old man this girl's 16 years old he does the unthinkable
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
he says that when she's when they're done she's crying and says you violated my honor and his words in his journal were what honor you're like what the fuck man he got he ends up getting you know he marries a woman leaves her finds another woman that he really likes but guess what he likes more than that woman her 16-year-old daughter.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So then he marries that girl, and then he is, they assume, I mean, there's a lot of stuff, there's so much to talk about with him, but they assume that he had, presume that he had at least 100,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
kids with uh out of wedlock with other women during his reign of power so they would bring women into the into the compound and he couldn't be bothered to take his pants or shoes off he was just like get over here then get rid of them and then he would have the secret police follow them be like just make sure they don't fucking do anything stupid i mean he was
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was a big-time goofball, yeah. He was a goofball. He really was. This is, of course, I'm leaving out the tens of thousands of murders, but he really, yeah, I mean, he put on the, he's the blueprint. for fascist dictator. He's the guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he's the grandfather of it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I also think there's days, like I tell you, my dad used to track all his lifts in a journal, right? And he was doing Olympic lifting. But he said he also would write down how he was going into that day. So I was super tired or energized. Thinking there'd be a correlation between like I feel like shit and bad lifts or I feel great and good lifts He was like they never lined up Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I wonder if he was just paranoid about meeting people, like once he knew, you know, because there was, so here's some, by the way, some movies. Last Days of Mussolini is a 74 film about his final days when he tried to flee Milan. Robbing Mussolini is a 2022 Italian action film about plans to steal his treasure.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Tea with Mussolini is a period film that depicts the end of the English expat community in Florence. Yeah, but I'm talking about like, you know what I mean? Like a Schindler's List level movie about this guy. It feels like there's definitely that story there. It's just a matter of who wants to tell it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay. Ketchup. I knew that was number one. So I prefer it refrigerated. I like to refrigerate it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. The thing about that condiment is like, it's not technically required. Most experts recommend keeping it after opening. I prefer it from the fridge, dude. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, it's another texture one. Here's the thing. How long are we leaving it out? Because butter is supposed, like, it's going to last longer, obviously, in the refrigerator, but I like soft butter if I'm going to use it, you know, as a condiment, butter, bread, or whatever. It's nicer that it's been out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't like it like, hey, this has been out for fucking three weeks, but I do like it out and not, like, frozen like a block.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In the fridge, bro. What are you talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, here's the thing. If you're like, we're going to consume this. No, no, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I could go in there feel like I didn't sleep well and whatever and have a great lift and then I would have great Feeling days and have bad lifts Did you do you feel like that was stand-up sometimes?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at this one. Yeah. It says, yes, fresh eggs should be kept in the refrigerator, especially if they are washed as refrigeration helps slow down bacterial growth and keeps them fresh for longer. Did you just say milk?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yes. So wait, the girls keep it out? They like it out?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, you know, this reminds me of when I lived in Spain. I lived with an old lady in Madrid. And when... This is what she would do. And I was like, oh my God. So she would make... coffee in the morning, old traditional style, like the filter, you pour the grinds in, and you press start, and it fills up the pot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you have your cup of coffee, and she has a cup of coffee, and there's another exchange student. You're like, okay. And then at the end of the day, I'm going back to my room, and I walk by, and she would leave the coffee from that day in the coffee pot and then the next day brew fresh coffee on the old coffee, right? And you're like, this is bitter as shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
that's interesting yeah kind of I know especially you know the first time you tour on a big scale like for me that would have been I don't know probably like 2016 or 17 so I'm like going into theaters and you would clock like oh I'm in I'm just making it up but like I'm in Madison the show was great And then you go, so Madison only has great shows. Like that's the, your brain registers it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so I bring it up one time, but I have to do it in a polite way. I'm like, oh, this is the, she's like, yeah, it's fine. You don't need to pour that out. So I used to pour it out in the sink when it was late so that it would be completely empty. And then I was like, oh, I guess we finished it yesterday because I thought it was so bitter. Because it was old coffee. Does old coffee get bitter?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To me, it tasted sour. Because it was sitting the rest of that day into the next day. It's sitting out for over 24 hours. It's like, you're brewing coffee anyway. Why are you mixing? She didn't want to waste this much coffee that's in the...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You can, but I do think it doesn't taste as fresh. Really? I think you can know. If you're like, I'd have to have, you'd have it. You'd be fine. But the preference is always for a fresh one. You wouldn't want a fresh one?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is this a guy that was friends with... Ellis and Jason and Tony Hawk.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, wait. You mean like known comedian?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's super sad, 38.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I could tell. Wait, so tell me, are you getting fresh beans for your coffee? Is that why it's so interesting?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. But I'm happy that you're never going out for coffee anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah, that was his financial advice every time I saw him for like 15 years. Really? Yeah. Stop going to buy coffee. Which, I mean, it wasn't, like, bad. It was just, like, he was, like, do the math. Like, you know, you spend five bucks, whatever, six days a week. I'm like, just fuck it. I'm just getting a coffee, man. He's like, oh, you know, $30 a week times $4, $120 a month.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's a thousand. I'm like, what the fuck, man? And then you're like, okay, I'll stop buying coffee. I'm not. I'm not going to stop. But I would just be like, no, I didn't buy one today. So do you make a coffee before you go and get coffee? Sometimes I have an espresso at the house before I leave and I buy the nitro. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you go to indie, the show sucked. You're like, so indie sucks. And you come through the next time and you're like, so Madison will be great. And it's not great. And you're like, what the fuck? And then indie is great. And you're like, oh, this is totally an inverse of what I thought. And then the more you tour, you realize that, that every night it can go any which way.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know why that happened? Why? This was like 10 years ago. We were looking for a house, and on a house tour, like the realtor showing us the house, They were like, oh, and then there's this here in the master. It was a house we didn't end up getting, but they had a coffee station in the bedroom. And she was like, what the fuck am I doing? I was like, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She was like, yeah, why go to the kitchen? She's like, it should be right here in the bedroom. And ever since that tour that day,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
every place we've ever lived there's a coffee station in the bedroom so in the mornings she wakes up makes two coffees puts one on my nightstand sits in bed drinks coffee like and doesn't leave doesn't have to like leave to get it she loves that it's right there yeah makes her happy
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The old lady I lived with in Spain. Every time. I don't feel well today. Same thing was said. Yeah, there's Truman.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There are certain indicators, like I feel like small indicators, they're not 100%, but for me, I always check out before, like when the show's about to begin, I get on the VOG for the Voice of God mic for the comic that's gonna go on stage for it. And when that thing goes on, like the lights have been turned off If the lights turn off and they're just like silence, you're like, what the fuck?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
it's a good one it's like yeah and it goes you don't feel it really but it loosens you up and then kind of just starts your day yeah that was um this was the Spaniards uh like recommendation for if I was like I'm not feeling well she would always say whiskey like have a have a glass of whiskey I'm like I'm I don't feel good she was like have whiskey and then go take a siesta I was like okay so that was like always yeah
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I mean, it got so dialed in when I was there. What I would say is probably, you know, pretty proficient, like fluent by a lot of people's scale. But I did six months there and I went to the University of Madrid and I took like comparative economics.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, at University of Madrid. And I'm not in a class for Americans, like Spanish classes. So I had to do term papers, you know, art history, like I said, comparative economics, you know, all these like college level courses. When I got back from there, that was the highest level of fluency that I've ever had.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because you realize with things that, like anything, if you're playing guitars, if I was like, oh, we're playing three hours a day for six months, you're like, yeah, when that was done, that was the best I was ever, it was like that. I'm still fairly proficient in Spanish, but I remember getting back and correcting. I'd speak to my mom, and I'm like, you just misspoke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I would tell her what she said wrong. Really? Yeah, because by month three, I started to dream in Spanish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
and and i would no longer answer the phone hello you know everything just became you're just so immersed and and and the truth is like you know spain's a very it's a modern place but i mean a lot of people a lot of people that i met spoke little to no english so it just forces you and that's the best way to get proficient in a language is to be immersed with people who can't even
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, for sure. I mean, and I have a weird accent because what happened was that like I was raised by a Peruvian. I spent the most time in Peru as a kid. Then I spend six months of my life still kind of developed. I mean, like 20 years old in Spain. Then I get back and I'm with mostly like South American people. But then I moved to L.A.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
for 20 years, and most of the Spanish that I hear is Mexican. So I have words from all three. Like, I have slang from all three cultures.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, like, I think among Spanish speakers, they like a lot of Spanish speakers. The way that it works is like Spain is England. Mexico is actually this region's kind of head of state. Like the Spanish that is spoken in Mexico, they have like the Spanish accent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
laws of like the way you speak even though every country will end up doing what they want to do have their own slang and everything there's like an official way of speaking that also comes from mexico they're also like the they're the cultural guide for this part of the world like it's the biggest most influential mexico economy mexico is mexico is kind of like mexico is kind of like you know how here people go i'm going to go to new york to make it
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And then you go like, hey, you know, fucking Memphis, how are you guys feeling tonight? And it's just like a smattering of applause. You're like, are there people out there? Yeah. And it's just like it's one of those things where you go, oh, that feels like that might inform what this next hour and a half is going to be like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you're in Latin America, you can go to Mexico to make it. Really? Yeah, because they have the most influence on this part of the world.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
specifically their own thing. So they have... But is there any relation to white? I'm trying to think. So here's the details of it. Argentina has a huge, huge Italian and Spanish population. They have a much smaller indigenous population than other South American countries. And they have their own way of speaking. Their accent is so distinct.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
that when they speak, it's like when you go, oh, you're from Boston. When they speak, you don't go like, uh, I wonder if you know that they're Argentine. It's very strong. Yeah, yeah, the whole way of like, I mean, they pronounce, everybody in Spanish says, you know, E-L-L-O-S is ellos, right? And then they say ellos, right? So they have a completely, you're like, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not water, you know, it's water. So it's like their, it's their whole distinct way of speaking. And, and that, so it just really stands out, right? I think if you're looking for like rednecks, the rednecks of Spanish speaking world are Caribbean countries for sure. Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Cuba.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They eat their – yeah. They say in Spanish, they say – it translates to they eat their S's, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like – Instead of ellos, they would be like ello. But, like, they're saying the S, but it's, like, not pronounced. They eat their S's. They eat their S's, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You guys are the shit-kicking fucking country bum fucks of the Spanish-speaking world, and you fucking know it. Cut the bullshit. All right, keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like, do you think you could tell? That sounds very Dominican.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Go ahead. Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know conversely like when you hear lights go off and they go and you're like how you guys doing and they go you're like oh shit we got a live one here i would say it's pretty like it pretty much informs how that night's gonna go to a degree but it's just not a hundred percent you can sometimes still have it go oh i thought it was gonna be shitty because of that and it was good or i thought they were gonna be
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know. I know Anna Damaris was, but I'm talking specifically, was Zoe Saldana in a Bond movie? She wasn't in a Bond movie?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on. I'm just curious. Okay. It must have been another attractive woman. Go ahead.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, what's the scandal? I don't understand. What does that news article say? Like, that you had up first. Said that... Apologize. Okay, so what is the thing here? After taking home the Oscars for... For... For best supporting actress, Amelia Perez star Zoe Saldana responded to criticism of the film's portrayal of Mexico after a journalist shared that it had been really hurtful for Mexicans.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
First of all, I'm very, very sorry that Mexicans felt offended. That was never our intention. We spoke from a place of love.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
don't share your opinion for me the heart of this movie was not Mexico making a film about friendship we're making a film about four women she continued these women could have been Russian could have been Dominican could have been black from Detroit could have been from Israel could have been from Gaza and these women are still very universal women that are struggling every day with trying to survive systemic oppression and trying to find the most authentic voices so I will stand by that but I'm also always open to sit down with all my Mexican brothers and sisters and
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
with love and respect to have a conversation about how Amelia Perez could have been done better. I welcome it. I mean, that seems like a pretty diplomatic answer. I thought she said, bitch. And you said, she was like, bitch, I don't give a fuck what you think.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, so I'm just wondering, just looking at all this stuff, is it just me and my own interests and age changing, or do people care less about Oscars now? Like doesn't it feel like it's not as – you live in L.A., so it's different. But I just feel like nobody really registers them that much anymore. Is that my own – am I wrong?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, I think they're just not making... I mean, it's cool that they can get an Oscar nomination even, but I just feel like the whole thing happens now and I'm like, oh. I feel like maybe that's my own interest shifting, but I feel like it used to be such a big... In my mind, it was a bigger cultural event.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
great and it was kind of you know flatter but i do feel like paying attention to how they react to like the first time they're hearing you know oh the show is starting it's a big indicator i mean i don't know if you had it on your last i also had i was thinking about this week shows that i was like man i don't understand how that was such a bad show like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It grossed $38 million worldwide. $38 million?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, for sure. It's not crazy numbers. What were all the Oscar-nominated Best Picture nominations? Okay, so Anora wins, Amelia Perez was one, A Complete Unknown, Conclave, Nickel Boys, I'm Still Here, The Substance, Dune Part II, Wicked, The Brutalist. Dune Part II is a badass movie. Right, well, that's a big blockbuster type of movie. Yeah, and so is Wicked. That's a $300 million movie.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, that's a big, big, big movie too. The other ones, they're not like huge, huge films, but yeah. I thought The Brutalist was out of Boxer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
look at the look at these seven of the ten best picture nominees grossed less than 100 million the only exception is being wicked which you mentioned dune part two and a complete unknown which one is a complete unknown again it's uh it's oh the bob dylan one right right right oh that's bob dylan oh yeah my kids went and saw that i heard he's amazing in it but yeah tillman c chalamet is just i think he's a i like that kid a lot
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I like him too. I don't give a shit. I couldn't give two shits less about anybody than Bob Dylan. So I just have zero interest in seeing this. I don't give a fuck what he does in this thing. I don't care. I have no interest in Bob Dylan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bob Dylan. Because I don't know who Amelia Perez is yet. So yeah, Bob Dylan is the absolute fucking least important human being to me on earth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I guess you don't go, I don't understand how it's so good. Because sometimes it's so good and you go, well, that's the best. It's so good that you go, that was the best. But it's also just a roll of the dice.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'd rather watch Mussolini take a shit than watch Bob Dylan sing a song.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like it, dude. I like it. Thank you guys for watching and listening, and we'll see you next time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have to care, but you can't be, like, high pressure on it, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe a little bit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think only because it's not that it's MSG for me. It's that in New York, I never feel like the – New York and L.A. crowds to me are a little more kind of judgy and a little like I'm not impressed, just so you know, is how they kind of feel. And so that's the part that kind of makes me like, oh, are they going to be –
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not that I'm in this space, even though I have great admiration for MSG, it's just that I go, what kind of crowd's showing up? Because I've had New York shows where you're like, what the fuck was that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
welcome to another episode of two bears one cave i'm here with my buddy bertrand the strongest comedian living this the strongest living comedian am i the strongest comedian am i the strongest comedian i don't know that's a good question top five top ten
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just saw him with you in Chicago. He got such a pop when he went up there. Really? I told him. I was like, hey, you might have to calm yourself down. He was like, really? I go, well, yeah, because you're a surprise guest. This audience knows you. So when they hear you get announced and you pop up, I go, they're going to go crazy. And they did. They went nuts. Yeah. It was awesome to watch.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he was... He had a great set. It was so fun. But it was fucking lit there, dude. It was like we're about just a hair under 17,000 people. And they were like, I mean, it's Chicago. Like they were energetic. And like he, yeah, he had a great set. I had the most fun doing that show. And he had a seizure in that show.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm working the round, so I'm working it. You don't just stay planted, which is the different thing. You're here, and then you walk over here, and then you walk. So at first, I just see some people standing in this area, but you also see people trying to get to their seats. You can't acknowledge everything, right? So I make another loop on my second loop around... I go, what's going on?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they're like, she's having a seizure. And I go, oh, Jesus. I go, hey, do you want the lights on? Because that's more important.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow, less than 10%. Less than 10%. Only a small percentage. Less than 10% can bench 310 pounds. Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go, you want to light her up? Because that's more important than what I'm doing. And and then the guy goes, no, we're good. I go, OK. And then I just see like medical personnel. I'm like, I think I should just hold a beat while you guys do this. It's kind of weird to keep going. And then they like they put her in a stretcher and they they like wheeled her out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I saw the people around her sit down and I go, hey, do you want to leave with her? Because like that's kind of and they're like, oh, we're not with her. I was like, oh, OK, well.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
uh i hope she lives and then everyone was like oh i'm like well i mean what do you mean to say like i don't we did a hail mary as a as an arena for her and then i realized oh the prayer the prayer yeah yeah i didn't throw a ball to her i just i was like we just i was like well you did a whole mary you did a hail mary and then i was like i think i up because i thought i think she may have had a hijab on so then i just prayed to allah also
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
but fuck yeah yeah but i mean yeah i think i think she's uh okay i don't know who she could not be okay i didn't i didn't understand what happened after i uh i had an interesting moment when i saw that picture that we have up right now that's you in chicago
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, now I see why you want to go on the road. Don't you feel like, You had a much needed break. Don't you think this has been good for you, though, too?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Less than 10%. I think it's 0.01.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, then also maybe try not to get yourself in that same place again, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm getting that UCAP.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on, LD. Come on, LD.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God dang it. I'm going to get in this. I'm going through my whole thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So how much alcohol do you drink?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know what I mean? I just had a little cash drink.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I like to just have that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one brought me one. Right. When I went to our first couples therapy, I said, not a deal breaker, but I need to know, is it okay if I come in here drunk every now and then?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Just give me a belt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, I would love to. And then Leanne was like, please, I would love for you to see what you get when you use drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been doing, we're doing, I'm like, I'm, I've won two. We've tied on two, I think. Yeah, it's good. That's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, yeah. Okay. So I've always been confused because like I listen to clips of the podcast on Instagram or on YouTube stories or YouTube. And I go, wait, are they together? Are they broken up?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking your hair is exhausting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I want to get this new, I just got a new face lotion from Dr. Diamond. Oh my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I bet. Dr. Diamond? Someone get me my Dr. Diamond lotion. Oh my God. It's like $500.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Someone bring it up, but bring it up the way it was presented to me. Yes. Give the whole presentation. Can we scan Dr. Diamond on the pod?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. I hope it goes big. Oh, dude. I'm thinking about, what do you think about men getting plastic surgery?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at this. Let's see you do. Look at this guy. This is- Dr. Diamond Dr. Diamond Dr. Diamond is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA and I don't know why he sent me this feel this it's magneted Dr. Diamond they said is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA and he spells medicine M-E-T-A-C-I-N-E I think it's a branding
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He sent that to me, and then I thought, is it okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking Dr. Diamond.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's why I don't like automatic flushing toilets. Yes. They take it away from you too fast. A hundred percent. Like a runaway team.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, I'm going to err on Dr. Diamond. Squatch is the one you get in Target, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Look at that. Oh, my God. So I had a debate with my wife and my parents. So I was thinking, everyone's going to get hair transplants.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone's going to Turkey. As a matter of fact, Ari is just texting me and said, I would like to make a group trip for all of us to go to Turkey together.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think historically someone did kill Ari's types in Turkey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're going to put him under. He's going to wake up and they'll be like, it'll be just like the old, the Mandela. Yeah. Yeah. Was it his mandala?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It would be.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was just comedy. Yeah, all his fucking jokes. But I was debating with Leanne about plastic surgery, about getting your hair done or getting like a CO2 laser treatment. Right. Any of that shit. Right. And Leanne's theory about all of it is you want to age. Because you've earned those lines. You've earned that. That shows the life you've lived. It's a gift to get.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's like a rock in an ocean that the waves just hit every fucking day. Yes. And one day it's just sediment. Maybe that's a bad example.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. And she goes, do not get hair transplants. Leanne is wet. Leanne is wet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, no. Insecure men. By the way, I am probably pretty insecure. Yeah, but you're not, though. But I'm insecure comedy heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm insecure, and the thing I do is I lean towards comedy, and that's my makeup, and so it's okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You're good. You won't catch me looking in the mirror too much at myself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I almost wore a college shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go, I think I dress like a child. Right. Like I dress like a child. But it's fun. It's you. I know, but I start getting in my head about, should I be dressing and acting like a 52-year-old? Right. No. Sandler sure as hell doesn't. He doesn't, and look at him. But he's got a style. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You New York guys are not a fan of bare feet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So when you go to, so when you and your wife go on vacation, you go to the beach, do you put on socks and sneakers?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you sending this to me as a friend or for my professional opinion?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When I first moved to New York, I wore a pair of Keno flip-flops. Keno is like the Florida flip-flop. You get them in Key West. They're made out of tires by Cuban women. They cost like $10, and they last forever. And I wore Keno flip-flops everywhere, and my toenails were painted everywhere. Right. And we're talking 1999. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I would go on stage and Puerto Rican dudes would just be like, what the fuck? Yeah. I remember there was a Dominican guy that told me I need to put socks on. Yes. He's like, you need socks on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Yeah. Do you, are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That clip we did a long time ago. Oh, yeah. And we were talking about... You were like, I'm just, I think you got emotional. I did, I started crying. And then I started crying. And that was like the, I think that was the first out of many times I started crying. Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was like my first where I was like, because I got, I was like, I never would cry because I was like, people are going to think you're weak. And then I got such positive feedback from that one clip. Yeah. Like, that's how I met Izzy, Israel Adesanya. Oh, really? He DM'd me about that clip. He goes, dude, this is powerful shit. You and him having this conversation is strong, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Fuck that, it's history hyenas. We're here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I can't wait until you come to New Zealand. I want to see your stand-up. And I was like, okay. But how has that been? With working and being around for your kids?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Doesn't even include Florida. You can make a lot of money in just those 13.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't want to be the best. That would suck. I felt the same way you did for a very long time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, but I think what happened with me is you get... I mean, this is exactly what happens, is... You take on a responsibility like a movie where you're the star of it or a TV show or a tour or you create a tour or you do an arena tour where you had no – that was never my – my goal was never to try to be like a fucking – I want to be the fucking man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember Schultz came on my podcast when I backed it out of my house. My old, old house. And I was like, so what's the goal? And he was like, to be the goat. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'm coming after Chappelle and I'm coming after Bill Burr. And I was like, I remember hearing that going like, I just hope they think I'm funny. Yeah, I don't have that in me at all.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But what happens is you start... doing bigger things and then all of a sudden you have to, it gets out of control.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It gets totally out of control and you have 15 people working for you and you've got a vodka company and a 5K and a summer festival and a cruise and an arena tour and a movie and a TV show and another movie and three movies in development and you're writing another movie with another guy and then you're like, wait,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know, what did I get into this for? It's almost like you go, what were we talking about?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you're just a little lost. And I think it's cool that you and Stavi are the two people that I look at where you guys completely have no issue stepping back and getting off the merry-go-round.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God. They wouldn't let me. That's so good. Yeah. That's so... You're doing the fucking garden this September.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, you had swiped to put a filter on it? Yeah, that's right. I swear to God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hold on, hold on. You realize that if you headline Madison Square Garden, you're putting your name in the hat.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know where the money's going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm still not that. Like I'm not even, I'm not saying that I'm not like that, but I just, I'm always shocked if a celebrity knows me. Sure. Like how many times I've said to people, you know my name? Right. And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, shut the fuck up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We can see you. I would assume that they couldn't see them from the outside. Like I'm always shocked that Shane is as comfortable with his fame as he is because I remember when he wasn't famous. I remember, what's crazy is I remember trying to introduce him to Diplo and he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, just don't, just don't. He was so uncomfortable.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I remember trying to introduce him to Guy Fieri, and he was like, I'm good, I'm good. I'm just going to stay in the back. And I was like, okay, that's Shane.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Last week, I see a picture with him, Guy Fieri, and Diplo. Yeah. And I was like, oh. Just hanging out. Yeah, and he's like totally casual.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I need his actual penis.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Whoa. Whoa, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's been around for a while. And he has the kind of life where every night it's a show, then a private jet, then a show, then a private jet. And I mean, I guess he like pencils in pussy here and there. Yeah. That's a guy who's like, why would I get rid of this to move outside the city and the suburbs? Right. Because Ted Avici killed himself over it. I just found out who that guy was. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never knew who Avici was, and I saw it on My Name's Bill or something is the documentary on Netflix. And I start watching it. And I'm like, oh, this kid's cool shit. And then I start recognizing songs. I was like, oh, I know this song. Big time. I know this song. And both my daughters walked in, and they're like, oh, my God, he killed himself.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, wait, I'm not at the end yet, you assholes. Yeah. Yeah, he fucking killed himself because of this lifestyle. Do you think the lifestyle would have ever caught up with you? Me? Do you think that you spending time with your family the way you do grounds you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have your bodega.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's like symbiotic, you know, the best is when you feel like a fucking team. Yeah. When you look and you go, this is my team. Right. These are my guys. This is my starting lineup. Yeah. And this is, and we've got each other's backs. Yes. Oh, it's the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got seven.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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Okay, good.
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Do you run all your money? Huh? Do you run all your money? Are you good with money?
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So do you have a login to your bank account? Yes. And you can check your money right now? All day. It's on your phone.
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Do you have some in Bitcoin?
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Yeah. There's a promo code busting. Yeah. Wait, no. Mine was five. He said, I found three polyps. He told me when he woke me up. He was like, I found three polyps. I wouldn't worry about them. We're going to do a biopsy. I'll let you know. Right. And then he DM'd me. And he said, hey, man, they're all clean. You don't have to be back for another seven years.
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Who signed the contract where they wanted their signing bonus? An NFL player.
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So you ready for this? Yes. So when we did the first Sober October, so it was before that. So before Odell Beckham took his 2021 salary in Bitcoin, $700,000 in Bitcoin. What does he got now?
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Yeah.
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Well, I don't know when you had to buy it. That's 2023. Oh, okay. So it's been kind of fluctuating there. Right, that's true. This is my biggest regret. I didn't have money then, so I couldn't have done this, but I was doing Rogan's podcast, and I think... Red Band was still doing the boards before Jamie. Oh, wow. Okay. This is back in the day.
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I remember in this episode, Red Band said, I said, I didn't believe that women could squirt. And Red Band said, I can make your wife squirt. And Joe got snapped at him. I mean, it was like, hey, that's fucking inappropriate. You can't do that. I remember that moment. She's a rock in the ocean. Yeah. And Brian bought up Bitcoin. And Joe casually said, we should each buy $3,000 worth of Bitcoin.
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Had we done that, I think I did the evaluation. It was like 2006, right when Bitcoin came out. Like right when, I think it was like 2016, 2017. It would, see what Bitcoin, if you had 3,000 now would be.
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Was on Bitcoin. So if I bought $3,000, I would have had... I would have had like five Bitcoins?
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No, no, no.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was only spending $3,000. I was only going to spend $3,000.
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I'm sorry. So then how much would three Bitcoin be today?
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Yeah, that would have been a good investment.
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It's just crazy. I didn't understand Bitcoin. Can you explain Bitcoin to someone who doesn't understand it? Can you explain the concept of Dogecoin, Bitcoin, Huctua coin? What was your take on Huctua coin? Should they have put her to death?
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I have no, I don't understand mining for Bitcoin.
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I don't know what it is. When they lost, this is when Asians lost me. Tentacle porn. Yes. And I was like, okay, it turns me on and I don't know why. And I know it's not real. And now I'm turned on. You're done. I'm done with Asians. I'm done.
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And then I DMed back, what should I wear? Yeah. And then he said, I can't tell you that because I'm not certain I'll be your doctor. Right. And I wrote back, yeah, but I've only let one man inside of me. Yes. I would like a commitment. Yes. He never replied. And he never replied. And he just left it on read. See, why doesn't anybody have any fun anymore? Dude, I was just talking.
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Right. And have you met South Africans? No. They're not all like that. I believe that. They're like the rednecks of Africa.
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I can explain it to you.
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I can explain it to you. Yeah. You ready? Yes. And you'll like this. This is a history. By the way, I'm not like you. I can't recite the exact history. I can just tell you kind of what it was about. Right.
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So the first American currency was introduced in like 1800s. They were using coins because you could feel them in your hand. You could hold them. The value of that gold coin, you knew that was the value of the thing. So they're like, yo, we got to take over Canada, right? And they're like, we need like 3,000 soldiers, but we don't have any money to give you guys.
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So we're not going to go back to Mesopotamia. Well, maybe it was 1775. But anyway, so this is the story. So they said, let's just make paper currency, okay? And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you this, and we're going to take over this town. We're going to get all their fucking shit. And we get all their shit. You give me this, and I'll give you that much and their shit. Yeah. Right?
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And so everyone's like, okay. So they gave everyone fucking $300 in paper currency. They went in, took over the fucking city. They won. Had they not won, it wouldn't have worked. But they won. And then everyone went, here's my thing. Can I get my stuff back? And the guys were like, yeah. And a lot of guys were like, I'll just hold on to this.
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And then when they were like, yo, this is easier than this. So they're like, yo, I'll take these. And let's just use these from now on. But the guy said when he said it, he goes, it only works If we all believe in it. No one can say no. Everyone's got to believe in it. Right. And that's the shit with Bitcoin. Yeah. Everyone's got to believe in it. So it's real, though.
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As soon as everyone believes in it, it's real.
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I can't explain anything. I was telling this to Peter. We were looking at some show on Netflix and the guys had a Honus Wagner rookie card. Sick. And you know who Honus Wagner was? Honus Wagner, Hall of Famer. Yes. And my sister Pete's like, I would never pay that much money for that. And I was like, yeah, but you got to understand. It's worth it. He's like, not to me. And I went, that's Bitcoin.
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The guy's like, hold on. Let's go back to milk. Yes. So your mom said two things. Don't drink. No, she said don't do drugs.
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We watched Inglourious Bastards on tour in Europe with our tour manager who's German. The best. That was really fun to watch him go, yeah, those are some bad guys. Bad guys. This is so horrible. Knowing full well those are his grandparents. And we're like, Ben, man, this is crazy what they're doing.
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Everyone does after Tony Hinchcliffe's set.
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Everyone does.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I heard someone pissing and moaning that Hitler's Heil Hitler wasn't even like a full Heil Hitler. It was like a phoned in one, like...
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No, I, dude, I have, my dad had a problem with milk. Like he would drink a gallon a day. Right. My dad drank so much fucking milk. I drank, I love getting vitamin D, the red milk, you know, the vitamin D one.
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My favorite Nazi story is Alex Eichmann, where they got him from, they extracted him. Is it Eichmann? It's Eichmann, I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann. Just hit enter and it'll come up. they pulled him out of Brazil. Adolf Eichmann.
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Alex. American him up. And they brought him to Israel. And a lot of people in Israel didn't believe in the Holocaust. A lot of Israelis didn't believe it because they're like, so hold on. They killed everyone but you guys are still here? Tell me how bad was it if you made it out? And
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And then when they took him and they held him on trial in Israel, he is the reason that people started believing the Holocaust because he told the stories of, yeah, this is what we did. This is what we did. And he was saying, I was just a guy. I was doing my job. I was doing my job. And you're like, wow. My grandfather was in World War II. He went in and cleared out Nazi death camps or whatever.
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Concentration camps. Concentration camps and saw his relatives, his cousins as Nazis and was like, that would have been me. Yeah. It's crazy.
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Do you think, because I'm into a lot of history as well. Do you think when you listen to these stories of Nazis, of Americans getting drafted or in Vietnam or Korea or World War II or World War I seems to be the fucking worst in my opinion. That was wild.
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Do you think that you could have done that, could have given up your free will and listened to a man going, all right, I want everyone out of this foxhole and everyone charge the berm? I'm going to say no.
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I bet I could have been, I bet I could have focused in med school to become a medic. I could have been like, no, I can apply myself. As a matter of fact, I don't mind reading. I like reading. I don't want to go to the fucking... I could not have been in the military when you hear those stories.
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Here's one. This one is my favorite little bit of history.
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We went to Serbia to shoot The Machine. Sure. Streaming on Netflix.
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And we saw a statue of Gavriela Pritsip. Okay, I'm not familiar. Gavriel Pritsip is type of man.
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I think good luck. He is Gavriel Pritsip. He shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand to start World War II, World War I. This one man affected history bigger than anyone ever. And now here's my connection.
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Yeah. He died in prison at 24 in Chechnya, I think. I don't know. Maybe in Croatia. But anyway, he is the biggest hero in Serbia. He is a hero because this man created Yugoslavia, basically. What he did is he stood up. He was part of the Young Turks, I think, and he started that. Now, here's what's crazy. So when they shot that CEO. Yes. Same energy. Right. People look at that kid as a hero.
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And it reminds me of this Gabriela Princip. Right. Of like this one gunshot changes the world.
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I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I've come outside. I've said out loud. I hate that people are celebrating this guy's murdering of a person. No good. It's horrible. He has family. He has children. He's a human being. I'll tell you one thing. is shine a light on how bad the healthcare system is. Hell yeah.
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I mean, like, imagine, I don't know, I feel like I'm talking shit, but imagine sacrificing your own life to change a system. That's what this guy did. That's what this guy did. And that's what that guy did. I'm not that guy. Right. But it's crazy that that's a thing.
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But a good looking guy? What are you killing people for? Dude, seriously.
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He's being disgusting. John Wayne Gacy, totally get it.
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A number of times.
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Yeah. What do you go there for? Just to hang out? To work. I always went there to work. What do you mean? What were you doing? I worked on Travel Channel. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, I was just there recently with Leanne and the girls. Yeah, we took them there. How many times have you been back and forth to Italy? Oh. Oh, I had one month where it was three.
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I had one month where I went to Italy three times. From the United States to Italy? From LA to Italy, back and forth three times. For the show? Yeah, for the show. For most seats for work. I've been to Italy probably 12 times. Wow. And you always go to Florence? Every time. You've got to go to Florence, Rome, and Venice are the places to go.
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But I've also been down to Bari, down to the very bottom, been over to Greece through there. What's crazy to me, what's crazy, so when I travel, I obsess about the history of that place. Sure. And I get really into the history of that place, and I want to know things about that place. Right. And this last trip to Italy, I was obsessed with Mussolini. Dude, obsessed. Mussolini is just...
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Mussolini's a lot like Nero. So Nero apparently wasn't that bad of an emperor. He just got a bad rap because the three dudes after him kept fucking up. And so the guy that came three dudes after Nero was like, yo, in order for myself to look good, I got to make your ex-boyfriend look bad. So he trashed Nero. He fiddled when Rome burned. Truth is, they hadn't invented the fiddle yet.
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The fiddle wasn't even around, so that's not a real story. They did the same thing with Mussolini. Mussolini was like, he invented fascism. He invented it. His only shortcoming was like, he thought he was going to be best friends with Hitler. He thought he was going to be best friends with Stalin. And so when they killed him, they were like, yo, let's trash his memory.
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And so they trashed his memory, and they made all these big gestures that won over a nation, foolish gestures. They're like, look at him pop. So I was obsessed with Mussolini.
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With piano wire. And his mistress next to her. And her dress went over her head. And then the women came in and tucked her dress to respect her. Respect. His wife lived.
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But your dad's straight up.
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I think that David was supposed to stand on top of the Duomo. Yes, that's what it was. And so he made it proportionally so that when you looked at it, it looked proportional from the height of what you saw it from.
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Oh. So wait, you just went to Florence?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
What's up, buddy? How you doing?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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Look at that. You look good. He's looking good. You look totally different. Yeah. He lost a little weight. Yeah, his fucking mustache looks tight.
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Yeah. Right. Or fly private like Bert. No, I don't fly private to Europe. Yes, yes, dude. You've taken the fucking bus to Europe. I've taken, no, when we toured Europe, we have a double-decker bus. Nice. Fucking next level. Hell yeah. We just went to Paris, me and Leanne, because she'd never been to Paris, and next week we're going to Spain.
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Our kids are gone.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is someone listening downstairs? Yeah. I need a Yuca app, and I need a bunch of the food that I eat all the time.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They were probably eight and six, I'm guessing.
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No, I wasn't not. I was not. But I was working for Travel Channel for not a ton of money. So you missed them. I missed them all. I was gone two weeks, and then on my week off, I'd go do stand-up. Right. And then I'd be gone for two weeks.
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How about this though? This is the, this is the thing I'll say. is stand-up today is not what stand-up was 12 years ago. What do you mean? We all did clubs. Like, no one did theaters. No one, no one did Madison Square Garden 12 years ago. No one did. Unless you're the Nazis. Joe Rogan, 12 years ago, I'm not even joking, 12 years ago, Joe Rogan was doing the Wilbur was like a big deal. Sure.
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I mean, I'm enjoying, I apologize, Joe, if I'm misspeaking, but I mean, I just remember that like no one was doing theaters, no one was doing arenas. And now we're all, I mean, like there's a handful of us doing arenas. I mean, a handful, a lot of comics do arenas and that just didn't exist. So, so what, so what do you think about how, so how, what are you saying?
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Opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it. Like, if you... Like, there was, like, every comic... Every comic did clubs. So every comic did clubs. So you didn't have... Like, if you got an offer at a club, you had to take it. Right.
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I want those protein chips that I eat all the time.
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So, like, if you wanted to continue to be a comic, for me, then that one week off, I had to go do stand-up because those offers were hard to come by. Yeah. And you gotta remember, like, every fucking comic did... I mean, it's so hard for people to wrap their heads around, but, like... there wasn't the opportunities that are out there.
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Like right now when I hear you go, I only do two weeks a month, I go, that would be fucking incredible. But if I had only done two weeks a month back then, I would have never got to where I am today. So I can tell you the comics who did two weeks a month and they don't do comedy anymore.
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You had to be fucking hustling. I think comedy was a lot more of a hustle back then than it is now. Because of the internet. I remember Ali Wong saying, you can take a year off. That is like, I mean, I remember hearing that and going, no, you're not allowed to. What are you talking about? You got to keep your foot on the gas pedal.
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And it was, this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years of doing standup that I took off starting in July to now. And I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall, but I've never taken off. Why? Because you're liking the feeling of being off? No. Because you're doing other shit. I don't want her to reset my comedy. I want her to reset everything.
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I wanted to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material that didn't go in that special be the beginning of the next special.
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I wish. Like, I... I don't know. I'm going to be litigious if this comes out wrong. Okay. There's a couple comics that don't wear shirts on stage now. It's a good thing. Right. And... friend of mine texted it to me, a friend of ours texted it to me and said, uh, this is insane. Like that this, you're the first person to ever take a shirt off. And now these people are taking their shirt off.
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Like, but I didn't read his text. I saw a dude with his shirt off and I clicked it and I go, the fuck is this guy doing? Yeah. I was like, oh my God, how many people do you think see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy? Cause I just did I just did it to him. I was like, this fucking fool with his fucking shirt off. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, what?
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And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage? But here's the deal. I am more comfortable shirtless. So you've got to go where you're comfy wanted. Yeah. I'm like, I am doing who I am authentically. Yes. But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like... I don't know.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll tell you what. We should bring on sponsors and just ruin all our relationships.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's the thing. It's all authenticity. My authenticity was so direct and honest that, I mean, I made a choice to be shirtless on my Showtime special. It was a Showtime special. And they said, you're giving them a reason to change the channel. This when changing the channel was a thing. Showtime said that to you. Look at him now.
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She said, legit, can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off? I said, no, you can't cut in between them. And they go, I think this is a big mistake. And it was. It was the lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone changed channel. The second my shirt came off, they said the ratings dropped. Right. Everyone turned it off. Okay. No one thought this was a good idea. Right.
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But then with the internet, it was like you need a reason to go, what is that? That one reason where... So it was those clips from that Showtime special that blew everything up. Those clips from those... I put four clips. The machine story, fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, and taking my daughter to first grade, John Henry story. And I put four clips up.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I remember the machine, the first night got like 3 million views. Yeah. And every single one of them was like 2 million, 1 million, 750,000. Like everyone was skyrocketing. And then the machine got to like... I mean, I don't know, like fucking... 10 million, 12 million, 20 million, 30 million. It's like 50 million right now. But I remember that's when Showtime was like, yo, pull it all off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You got to take it all off. Why? Why would they want to take it off? Because they weren't benefiting from it. They weren't benefiting from it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I put it on my Facebook page. Shit. Yeah, and they were going to sue me for the price of the special. I was like, I'll give you that money because I need this business. Yeah, because you're selling tickets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
2000, does someone have a date? 2016? December 27th, I was set up to do the Wilbur January 2017 and I hadn't sold 200 tickets. I hadn't sold 200 tickets and we were panicking and promos weren't a thing yet. No one was doing promos and the machine story went viral And I remember my agent goes, we cleaned up the Wilbur.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he's like, by the way, you're sold out at Portland Helium, Buffalo Helium, and New Jersey. And I was like, no, that's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like you wouldn't come close. Buddy, I would, they would pay for a room. You have to give money back to the club. Yeah, a couple times. No, a couple times. A couple times because if you wanted to work there again and they got a fucking upside down deal, you're like, yo, let's figure this out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my whole career, I was like, maybe I'm just not meant to. Maybe I'm not good. Maybe I'm just delusional. Like our friends think you're good, you think you're good, but the fans are saying no for some reason. The crowd would laugh, but just no one would show up. So I'd kill to 75 people, but it's also, you know, it was the road and the road, there were no rules to the road.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it was like, yeah, I definitely was like, maybe this isn't going to work out. And then it would work out for Tom. And I was like, fuck man. And then I was like getting older and I'd watch like dudes show up with like, I remember Chris D'Elia had like space pants on. And like a brand new Audi and the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my life.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I was like, I was sitting off the side going in jeans with dad shoes. I had plantar fasciitis. No shirt on. Sandals and jeans. Yeah. And I'm looking at going, I guess it just didn't happen for me. And then I'd be in the... Because you were already what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So you were like, it's just over. I was like, I was comfortable being...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
uh just a journeyman comic just a really good comic who like maybe not maybe no one stayed in the room to watch um but maybe respected by your peers and all that oh and friends with everyone yeah that was a good set you know but like no one was like hey guys bert's on we like you know what the way they do for like uh yeah like if chapelle's in the room sure if rogan goes up everyone goes come on let's go look at rogan yeah you know i wasn't gonna be that guy and i was like cool and rogan had a conversation with me in the back of the
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
of the comedy store, and he was like, hey man, you need to get a Netflix special. And he's like, you're too funny. You need a Netflix special, and I'm telling you. And I was like, Joe, that's like saying, hey man, you need to fuck a supermodel. I was like, how the fuck do I do that? He was like, be undeniable. I didn't know what that meant. And I got fired from Travel Channel.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay, hold on. Okay. Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And because of that, I could do stand-up every single night, and I just did it every single fucking night. I did it every single fucking weekend. And then one day, the dude that I liked, that was really like the hot, hot comic, came up and he was like, when did you get funny? And I was like, oh, I've been funny. That was the other thing is I came kind of from out of nowhere.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So everyone was like, oh, he's just a Travel Channel guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But yeah, I didn't get success until I was like 43.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, that's why like, I don't know. I just, I was like fucking foot to the pedal to the metal.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have a, you have, I mean, we didn't get paid for pot. I mean, podcasting was like, yeah, it was like we were earlier the game of podcasting, but like you guys can go in and you guys are so good. much better at podcasting than us older dudes, I think. I really think you guys, like I watch you, I watch History of Hugginess, I watch Stavi, I watch Hey Babe back in the day.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like everything, you are so good on a podcast that I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should just stop podcasting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I looked at it this way. I was like, yo, I didn't make money for like forever. Yeah. So now that I can make money, I need to – this is exactly what I said. I need to get us a big house. Yep. I need to get the girls in – I got to pay for colleges. Yep. And I was like, buddy, can you imagine – being 43 and knowing that college is like four years away.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't, I mean, I can't remember exact ages or whatever, but like, remember thinking college is coming up and I don't have money for it, nor do I have money for Christmas next year, nor do I have money for, I don't know if I'm gonna have money for a mortgage. Nothing safe for the future. I got nothing saved for the future. I remember going and being in a car in St. Louis at the Helium.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I had done radio. I drank on radio. I was shirtless in the car. I'm fucking 43, and the manager looked at me, and he goes, how long can you do this for? Whoa. And I was like, huh? He's like, what, are you going to be like a 50-year-old comic? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Am I sad? Yeah. I was like, wait, am I depressing people? Yeah. Like, oh, fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I was like, oh, how long can I do this for? By the way, hadn't sold any tickets that weekend. Yeah. Hadn't sold any fucking tickets. And got into a fight with Doug Benson on stage. And I knew he was posting it Monday morning for his fucking Doug Loves Movies. Wow. And I was like. Like a legitimate fight. Like, by far, if you download this, and I'm sure it's still out there. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you hit play. you will never be more involved and committed to a bit of content in your life. It is a passionate, heated fight on stage in a sold-out comedy club where he is screaming at me, and I'm confused, and I'm drunk, and I'm trying to give people cheeseburgers, and I leave the room, and then I walk back into the room, and it gets worse, and then I humbly apologize, and I get on stage.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No one knows who the fuck I am. Dude, that was that weekend, and I was like, I was like, motherfucker, but the one thing I got on that weekend was Google Trends. He told me what Google Trends were, and I realized, I started seeing spikes. I started Googling why I spiked, and I was like, oh shit, I guess Rogan's a spike. I didn't know that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, I just did Rogan's, but I knew I got followers, but I didn't know that it would help my career. I was like wait. Oh, I'm Tom. That's a spike. I went on with Ari That's a spike when I'm with you. I was like, okay Well, I'll just hang out with my boys a little more and then I was like, oh hot ones is spiking What's hot ones Google it check it out. I was like, oh shit hit up Sean Evans.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I go on hot ones huge fucking spike I learned and I marketed my career based on that but man, I am like I like Look back and I am so fucking lucky that I took my shirt off, I posted that machine clip, and I met Joe Rogan.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Three things that happened. Had one of those things not happened, I don't know if I'd be where I am. If I didn't post the machine, no, I'd just be like a regular guy that did Rogan a couple times.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach is going to be healthier than Entenmann's.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Louis. It's crazy, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's amazing. I make good money on the podcast. We make great money on the vodka. We're like doing well with the 5K. Everything's good business right now, and I'm just like floating. And then I go, maybe I'll do an arena tour. Maybe I'll do a theater tour. Maybe I'll go do clubs for four months. I was going to say, you go back to the clubs, it'd be wild.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
wild the funnest touring i ever have is getting the bus in california and just go across the country doing clubs clubs and just do a big loop for like two months yeah no kids at home just do two months of a loop yeah bring your have friends fly out and meet up with you to have them on the road for two days amazing oh we did that right before my special we went on the road for a month straight right doing clubs from l.a all the way down to tampa
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus. And no, no, no. Up to where we started fully loaded. And then we met up with everyone fully loaded toward all the way through fully loaded.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he's doing a hair thing consultation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought of that today. No, he's doing a consultation to see if he has enough hair to replace. Right. Does he have enough hair to replace it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah. His hair receded here. It's receding here. So they're just doing a consultation. I think he didn't want to go to Turkey. I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done because everyone in LA is like, you don't have enough hair to do it with. So I think he may have to go to Turkey. But that's why he came out to LA and he was like, yeah, I'll do the consultation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And the guy's like, I'm going to need to bring other people in to look at this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, he just.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's like, let's look at this person shitting on the dude. His plan was like, when I started shaving my hair, I had hair. I started shaving my head, I had hair. People just think I'm just growing it out. Right. I was like, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Are you going to make a... Was your wife upset about the island of garbage?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
100%.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And hang on, can I give you a gift?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Apply that in your marriage. Okay. Don't forget perception is reality. Great. Tommy Chong said this to me high as fuck. when you get into a fight, you get to decide if you're angry or not. Yeah. You can also decide to focus on all the great times you had and ignore this one little thing and look past it and go, I'm going to give, I'm going to, I'm going to take all these experiences.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's about to get scanned. Here we go. Oh, just start with cheese whiz. Oh, my God. Start with cheese whiz. Cheese whiz. I'm going to scan this. Easy cheese. I do this a lot. She's good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've done that and it fucking works.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Keep going.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
2016, I was in Ohio. We were getting ready to do the... The End of the World podcast, me, Burr, Stan Hope, and Rogan at the store. And I'm in Ohio that weekend before. We're doing it like Tuesday, the election. And I had a joke. For anyone listening, I hope you understand this, but the fun thing to do in comedy is say the thing you think they're going to hate and then win them over with a joke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I said, and I...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The other day, let me tell you the meal I had with this. I had an Oscar Mayer wiener with a Twinkie as a bun cut in half with this on top.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You've been trying it for fucking five years.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was a great episode. Thank you for coming. September 11th. Hey, make sure to check his Hulu special, It's Just Unfortunate, releasing February 21st. Yes. Madison Square Garden on September 11th.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They're not a sponsor, right? I think I just buy them because they're keto.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what they're doing is in order to get you low. Additives.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
All right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hang on. Zero carb mission tortillas. I fuck with these. 24 out of 100, folks. Not bad, considering my diet's been in the 18s.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jesus Christ, mayonnaise. Go mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Fucking come on, mayonnaise. Come on, mayonnaise. You're on everything. Come on, let's go, mayonnaise. You're on everything.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do I eat anything above 50?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Come on, let's go.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Storkist just sent me so much tuna. They sent me a box of this because of the Matthew McConaughey interview. Yep. Fuck yeah, Starfish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down, and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And the whole fucking crowd, and we were like just a bunch of white kids. We had no chance. We had no chance. I've got spirit. Yes, I do. I've got spirit. How about you? And they'd be like, suck our dicks. But that energy, that high school black inner city energy with some HBCU cheerleaders. You ever seen the HBCU cheerleaders? Yes, I have. They're my fucking favorite.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Versus a Serbian, just fucking no deodorant. Just... God, man, I miss Serbia.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, did I just watch him drop weight today? Oh, you might have. Where they shaved his head to drop weight?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You let her do it? She's a girl, so I thought, she's talking shit. Eddie Bravo's got her private jujitsu lessons. Oh, no. So she's been taking jujitsu in her fucking gym. And she's dyslexic, so she can never tell you the right move she's about to do. And we're on vacation. And she goes, it's going to be easy. You have to slow down there, big guy. I'll choke you out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was like, oh, you're going to choke me out? She goes, it's easier to choke out big guys. And I went, really? She goes, I find it easier. And I was like, OK. I was like, try to choke me out. Joe, this little needle arm went around my neck. And I swear to God, what is she, like 15 at a time? I just went, ugh. I tapped. She's like, yeah, that's what I thought. I was like, my daughter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She said, dude, disrespect. She did. She, she met Eddie Bravo. She met Eddie Bravo at our house one night and you know, Eddie, me, Sam Tripoli, Eddie and I are lit. Right. And we're in the kitchen. We just done like a podcast and Isla comes in. She's like, who's this guy? And I go, this is Eddie Bravo. She goes, okay. I was like, he teaches jujitsu. She goes, I want to learn jujitsu.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And Eddie goes, really? And she goes, yeah, a little bit of that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And Eddie goes, that's not jiu-jitsu. She goes, whatever it is, I want to learn it. So he goes, all right, I'll set you up. And he got her this lady that came over to the house like three times a week. Oh, wow, that's amazing. Got mats in the back, and Isla loved it. Isla loved it. Except she turned the Nest Cam around so we couldn't watch her jiu-jitsu lessons.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She was like, I don't want you to watch what I do. I just want to learn it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She could have put me to sleep. I bet she could have. I've been fucking humiliating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's amazing how many dudes don't know what they're doing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, that's terrifying. It's terrifying. It's terrifying because you get that moment where you're like,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, where is it? Like right in the center of your back over the right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
When you say stretching, because after I did so much working out, I had a masseuse come in and kind of test my flexibility because I had some problems in my forearm. And my shoulder can't go, like I can't get it past this. And like this one goes way back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I think it's no recovery and no stretching. I do no stretching.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Especially when you watch. Have you ever seen the dudes snap a fucking? Oh, yeah, I have seen that. Yeah. That's all I was thinking about.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You know Cody Rhodes? No. Cody Rhodes is the WWE champion. He's Dusty Rhodes' son. Oh, okay. Yeah. I fucking tell him I'm doing the bench press competition. And he goes, oh, I tore my pec at 315. And I was like, that's the fucking bet. And he was like, oh, you don't even see it coming. Look at his pec. Oh, Jesus Christ. He goes, it felt like Velcro. You just started.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And talking in your authentic voice and not, hey, welcome back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And they all drank six packs after the show. Everyone was snorting Coke.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
How much better do you think anabolic steroids are than testosterone?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
When I was in college, you could buy GHB at GNC. That's crazy. Yeah, because you would take a little capful before you went to sleep and it would burn fat while you slept.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I remember taking it in college. You took it? Well, to party. First time I ever took it was on a rock in Greece in the middle of the ocean. A rock in the middle of the ocean. You're the problem. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Well, it was fun as shit. What's it do for you? Guy's like, hey, Mike, want a little liquid ecstasy? And I was like, sure. Liquid ecstasy? That's what he called it. And I found out later it was GHB. But he had like a little dropper, a capful. We all took a sip and... Thank you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And that's not paid by the station. That's paid by him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I was drunk and hot. Two things you're not supposed to be on a motorcycle. No helmet in flip flops.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I can't believe that radio still has those rules. Hardcore rules. And the rules are slippery. You can say dickhead. You can't say cunt. But you can't say suck my dick.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It even gets trickier. Like, there was a video I was cutting to promote my tour or whatever, and it's me on a boat. Or the special. It's me on a boat, and there's this page I'm really obsessed with. It's fat N-word season. Joe is so addictive. And it's all AI. And I think they're promoting a crypto coin. Of course. And I was like, and I didn't like the edit. So I go, hey, put Fat Edward Summer.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Play that song. And it's fucking so much funnier, Joe. It's so much funnier with me shirtless on a boat. But these guys are great. But my wife saw it. She was like, that's offensive. I was like, no. She's right. Yeah, and then I sent it to Tommy. I go, is this racist? And he was like, sent it to the wrong guy. All Tom sends me is videos of fat black chicks on rope swings.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Our whole thread is just any time a chick takes an L off a cliff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
can't watch those i was telling uh i was telling someone uh my daughter my niece had my phone and she's like three and you know you forget what your algorithm looks like and she it was and it was fat emmer summer song came on and she's like uncle bert and then the next video was a chick pissing on the pastels and i was like oh maybe you shouldn't use my phone to relax with
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that or if you get me a chick with no bra doing survival techniques in the woods. Oh, yeah. Fucking I'm in. That's a sell. I've watched so many of those. Just rock hard nipples. I know those are available.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There's definitely hot chick golfers I ran into Paige Spearnak in at the Super Bowl and And I was like, I had to be real because I'm a golfer. I was like, I follow you for your swing. You have a great swing. Right. But then you know what's crazy about Paige? She can't snap her fingers or whistle. How'd you find that out?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Because we were playing a game like Weird Things About Us, and she was like, I can't snap my fingers. And I watched her, and she went like this. She was like... And she goes, I can't whistle. And she starts going.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And you could also not whistle and snap. You don't have to snap.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, she's super hot. But she does have a great swing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
If she's not wearing a bra, it's so good. Look at that. Just watch one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Roses get thrown at your feet. She was walking down Radio Row at Super Bowl with Cam Hayward, and both of us are like, just stop talking.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's always good seeing you, man. I always say, like, you give the best hugs. Like the UFC the other night when I saw you. Yeah. And you came up, you said, wrap it up. I love it. I'm a hug guy, too. Yeah. I think it shows your emotion.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Think about all our friends, all our female comedians that have stalkers. I mean, like, it's so, you work your ass off as a comic, you happen to be pretty, you start killing it, and then all the fucking psychos come out of the woodwork.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I always had that brain that, you know, I'd see something, like a new addiction come up, like cutting, and I'd go, I wonder what that does. Like, I was always looking for something like that, you know? Yeah. Like, I could never do eating disorder. That was too tough for me. But, hey, how about when we were at dinner with that guy, and I said to him, I ran marathons, and he went, you do?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That was funny. And he goes, I wasn't trying to be rude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's hard to pull that trigger, too, because like with kids and a family and a house. Yep, yep, yep. And you go, okay, it's not great money, but it's good money. And the road was not great money. And I remember you saying, you need a Netflix special. I remember you saying that to me. On that motorcycle, I'm sitting. I had headsets in. I was listening to The Doors, Magic Caravan, Spanish Caravan.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's Taylor. Taylor Sheridan. He was awesome, dude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Well, I didn't want to blow his spot up. Yeah. Dude, let me tell you something. I'm going to give props to Taylor Sheridan. I haven't said this to anyone. I try to keep those moments that you have with those guys private. So I was a little bit of a party snitch for a while. But he's a great American storyteller.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
When he says, when he tells you anything about his life or what he's doing or breaking, he doesn't even call it breaking a horse. He calls it a different term. But I'm sitting there going like, this is, I mean, and this is going to be slanderous a little bit, you know, considering difference of time of where they were, but like, it's like having dinner with Ernest Hemingway.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's created some of the greatest content out there, but Yellowstone? You can't compare him to Ernest Hemingway because Ernest Hemingway is dead and a legend.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, me and you. I think it's our friend. I don't know who it is, though. I forget.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The one that just came out? The one that just came out. Okay, Nosferatu.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I gotta watch this dude. He was great in in The what was the movie with where they kidnapped the kid Justin Timberlake was in it raw dog not raw dog
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's awesome. He's a beast. 311 to Zuma or whatever? I didn't see that one. Yuma. Oh, my God. He is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
310 to Yuma. I didn't see that. He was great. In the Justin Timberlake movie, it was called Top Dog or something. Alpha Dog. Alpha Dog. And he was just awesome, and he had a very small role. He played the guy's older brother. And it was just like, he just owns the screen.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was flying. I was high. There were oxen on either side of me. The sun was setting. And you're like, dude, this is who you are. Fuck that travel channel bullshit. Get away from it. You need to focus on stand up and your podcast. And I was like, yeah. And you're like, you're the fucking machine. If you don't talk about this on stage, then you're doing yourself a disservice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think Jonah Ray is probably the best comic actor out there. What has he been in? Jonah Ray. Everything. When he was in War Dogs and he goes to buy drugs from the black guys. I didn't see that either.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, man, I'm telling you. I'm just starting now to just download stuff and get off Instagram. And if I'm going to bed, just turn on a documentary and start watching it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Okay, that's why you confused me. Sorry, Jonah Ray. No, Jonah Hill's awesome. Jonah Hill's fucking amazing. He's great. Jonah Hill is amazing. He was in, in War Dogs, he goes up and buys black money, weed from the black guys, and he's like, how much? He goes, 120 bucks. And he gives them the 120 bucks, and then he's starting to keep talking to himself, and he's like,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's like, hey, he's got a voice. What are we doing here? Hi, guys. And they're like, get the fuck out. He's like, oh, okay, okay. And he goes to the back of his trunk and pulls out a machine gun and goes, can you listen to me now? He's just awesome, dude. Awesome, man. I fucking love that guy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And all the ones that were up for Oscars, I saw none of those.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember those times. I remember people saying, because I knew you as Joe the stand-up. And I remember people saying, he does comedy? And I was like, no, that's what he does. Like, he's not an actor. He's not a host.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Sparring was horrible. I've had, I think, eight concussions, and I'm just a kid. I didn't even spar. I'm just talking, like, basketball camp one time, football. I play in football for the Hurt Bird shit. I got knocked unconscious. Like, I've probably had eight concussions, I'm guessing, you know?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I just talked to you the other day when you were skiing, and I thought you didn't ski because of your knees.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, and once you get hurt, once you break, we did a concrete sled competition in Calgary or in Edmonton. Concrete sled? Concrete sled. It's an engineering team, and they have to figure out a way to build a concrete sled that makes it down a mountain with all the team members on it and stops within the right area. Oh, my God. And, dude, people get fucked up. I mean, fucked up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
A concrete sled must be so heavy. You can find a picture of it. Type in University of Edmonton, concrete sled. I think that's what it's called. And right before...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Yeah. And, dude, that's the coldest I've ever been. My fingers. See those concrete sleds? There's one where the guys get fucked up so bad. I don't want to see it. It's so stupid. But the guy, the team that went right before me, they flipped. Flipped, ragdolled, yard sailed everywhere. If these people tried bow hunting, they would quit this.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, a guy before me broke his femur. Ow! And I remember the kid, little stoner with the walkie that tells us, all right, you guys are next. He goes, what's that? Broken femur. And he looks at me and goes, broken femur is a game changer. And I was like, I got to go next. Like, what the fuck? Like, that was terrifying. But yeah, I think about that sometimes. Just having my elbow surgery.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I gained so much weight from just having one arm because I couldn't do it. I couldn't get on the treadmill. I couldn't do anything. Then I go, any injury is like, I don't want any injury.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, hold on. Is this... Because I listened to a version of your voice when you were younger, and it sounds totally different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
This is how you tell if you have a deviated septum. Put a mirror underneath or take your phone and do a video and then breathe through your nose. And if it closes, like mine shuts. Yeah. And they showed that to me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, you know what happens to me when I sleep. A fucking goozle swells up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So if I put those nose strips on, because I can breathe through my nose. You should get your nose operated on. No fucking way. Yeah. Dude, I have a hernia I'm not going to get done. It's not that big a deal.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's like a fin. Oh, it's bad. If I do a sit-up, I'll show you for real, and you'll see it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Probably 12 years ago. Oh, my God, man. I was doing a Tough Mudder. Oh, God. And I had to pull myself up one of those half pipes. And so I ran and I grabbed it and I pulled and I pulled and I felt a tear. And I was like, whoa. This is just, and I was like, God, man, that fucking hurt. What happened? And I was like, I'm fine.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then like two, I want to say like two weeks later, I'm laying in bed with my wife and I kind of lean up and I see it and I go, Oh fuck, what's this? And then, and then a bunch of dads get it. Like some dudes get it when they just gain a lot of weight. That's another way to get it. But like, I've never been that fat, but, uh, I think Tommy might have had one. Eddie Bravo had two.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
My problem is I'd get it fixed, but then I'm afraid of the aftermath of the surgery of 13 weeks of recovery of me not working out. I'm going to go fucking haywire. You don't have to go haywire.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's crazy watching you operate in the UFC and seeing that mechanism and to think when you started that, like how far that path with the UFC has been for you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I know, but walking in through the other day and I was like, oh, this has been Joe's life for fucking 26 years.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think it's that, you know, you were talking to me about statins for a while and you were saying that, I don't know, you were saying or whatever I read was that these companies are getting, these doctors are getting paid out to get people on statins. The companies are saying, you know, get people on statins, we'll pay you out, you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's what happened to me. I got pretty much addicted to them because I fell off that waterfall.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, they get you. They get everybody. I can tell you the moment it happened was we had to go to dinner with my wife's friends, and I didn't want to go, and we weren't drinking. And I remember thinking, I wonder if I double up on my pain pills. That'll get me through tonight. And I did, and man, it was an enjoyable fucking night, and I smoked a little weed, and I was fucking perfect.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The next morning I woke up, and Leanne found out. We were going camping that weekend, and I reached over to get my pills, because the first thing I did in bed, grab a pill, pop a pill, lay there for a while. I went over, my pills were gone, and Leanne was at the foot of the bed. She goes, you're done, big boy. And I was like, I go, hold on. This is like negotiating, like junkie negotiating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I go, hold on, baby. We're going camping. We're going to be sleeping on the hard ground. She goes, nope. She goes, get as much weed as you want. Drink as much as you want. Get through the pain that way. These things are fucking poison. They're scary. They're scary because you don't even realize what you look like to other people. We went to Hawaii with the family one time, and we went to the—
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
luau i wasn't i wasn't drinking in hawaii that trip for whatever reason and i but i was bummed at the luau because i was like everyone's getting like you know these mai tais and i'm drinking water and i was and i looked and this mom was clearly on oxys and you watched her not out at the table and there's man when you see something like that and you're not drinking you're like thank god i'm not fucking drinking i remember watching her not out and her whole family sees it and you're like and she's like
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I bet it's – what do you think is more, oxys or Xanax? Xanax is like – Xanax is totally plausible. Take a Xanax. You're going to be fine. My cardiologist. Dr. Gadan, shout out to Dr. Gadan. He's a big fan of yours. But he told me, he said, I said something about Xanax. And he goes, hey, man, I'm your doctor. Don't ever fucking take those things. I was like, really?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He goes, this is the leading cause of dementia. Do not take fucking Xanax.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So he told me, he said, he was like, by the way, I apologize, Dr. Gadan, I give you a shout out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, he said, he said, your brain, it turns your brain to mush.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, they won't admit you to rehab if you're on benzos.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like we took a friend to rehab one time, and one question they asked, have you taken a benzo in the last 24 hours? And he was like, yeah. And they're like, nope, can't take you. They don't want to deal with it. It is so dangerous to get off benzos.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's crazy how clean life is when you're not partying.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like, you haven't drank in two weeks. It's, like, amazing how the sky looks different, the trees look different. Well, you have more energy. So much. The gym is night and day different. Oh, yeah. Like, I work out every day regardless. Ran five miles today. Drank last night on the plane. Five miles today. And now I feel clean, but then I go, if I don't drink tonight, which I doubt I probably will.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know what you're talking about. Who are we lying to, Joe? All right. But if I but like the next day I feel like a million bucks you get me in the gym and I want to be on the treadmill and I'm gonna get excited for fucking those those sissy squats you do yeah, I love those bitches I got the bat the board.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah, get a fucking lamp board squats really poor Scott get a 45 fucking weight mom Yeah, do 15 of those bitches are great and you feel it You're like that last one you want to my favorite squat to do is what's the one where you you you lean back and you squat when you're tilted back and
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like a landmine squat or something where you have the pole. Oh, okay, yeah, landmine. And you get deep into that bitch. Oh, yeah, those are great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I'm always impressed when a man can program his own workout. Really? Yeah, because I can't. You don't do your own workouts? No, I have a guy program for me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You must like that. I love getting on the treadmill by myself and just fucking going.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I think that's impressive. There's so much shit to do. The game changer for me in working out, and I think that... I never understood... Like guys like Cam or David Goggins, and then they push themselves so hard. And when we did that bench press competition, I realized most of the time when everyone works, the regular person works out, they just want to get through it and be done with it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They're like, I know, I cheated a little bit, but fuck it, that was 12. But when you're training for something, and this must be like this with mixed martial artists and with all those motherfuckers, You're training your body for an actual event to protect yourself from other men. And when I had a goal in mind, I was like, oh, this is different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I'm doing everything he's telling me to do, and I'm doing it the right way, and I'm doing it to failure because I'm training. If I know that if I do that, then when I get to the day where I do the bench, I can then complete the mission I'm set out to do.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
We need to work out and get ready for that wolf. Right. You'd work out so hard for that fucking wolf. Yeah, I'd be like, fuck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
This is what he told me. Did they release them as a pack?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know. Oh, I'm in Vegas. Are you really? I have two shows in Vegas this weekend. Oh, nice. At Resorts World Theater. Nice. Oh, I should say, my special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Right now. I say Lucky because I am the luckiest fucking guy in the world. I really am. When you think about, like... Do you think about like finding the friends I did later in life, you know? Like at like 37 or 38 when I started meeting all you guys and hanging out with you guys. And then, you know, getting into comedy at the time I did. Like we got into comedy when no one, it wasn't a job.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then you've got cattle. You can't tell wolves what to kill either.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They're like 10 times worse than coyotes. You remember coyotes? They're giant coyotes. You ever seen coyotes jump fences? Oh, yeah. And you're like, there's no protecting my chickens from fucking coyotes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
All my neighbors have red lights on their fences. That's the only thing that stops coyotes, I say.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I have no fucking idea. But they all have like, it looks like a red bicycle light on every panel of their fence.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember, you know, it's funny, the little things you remember. I remember you talking about the coyotes honeydicking your dog one time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I always think that's the funniest phrase, honeydicking.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It was like, it was weird. It was like joining the fucking circus. It was. And I only got into comedy because I got discovered by Rolling Stone magazine as the number one party animal in the country. I mean, what are the fucking odds of my life tracking out? So that's why I named it Lucky.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
What state do you think has the most predators? Like, Australia has the most predators in the world. In the country? In our country, yeah. I would say Alaska, for sure. Florida.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Do you see those kids that go in? You see those kids that dive in and grab them?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, look at that. Look at that. Yeah. Apex Predator Florida is jacked. No one even comes close to Florida.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Good God. Interesting. I remember I said the other day on Instagram I had my hose all wrapped up. And I was like, I don't know if this is because I'm from Florida, but I never put my hand into a hose bucket without kicking it a couple times.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Coral snakes are the ones that look like- Red and black. They're beautiful. Black and yellow kill a fellow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Red, white, and blue. I don't know. America. America. He's cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Red touches yellow, kill a fellow. Red touches black, venom lack.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, it's a... Oh, yeah, that's what it looked like. No, it's a king snake. A scarlet king snake is harmless. Coral snakes are deadly. Okay, so... And so we had both in Florida, I think. So you never got near either of them.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Red touches black, step back. What? Yellow, black and yellow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I would say, I've said this before, but I would say. You're like, I never had a brother growing up. And you've always been pretty honest with me. The way a big brother would be. And you've always come from a place of love. I remember the whole reason my whole... I was doing nothing and fucking nothing. I'm sitting in the backstage of the store with you. And you look at me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There's someone digging blood diamonds in Sierra Leone right now smoking brown brown, and he's 11.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I don't understand. I mean, I understand wanting to have a snake, but poisonous snakes, I can't wrap my head around. No. No. You can never touch it. You can never play with it. Fuck all snakes. How about that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You definitely look like you would have gone through a lizard phase, though. No. Well, listen. Listen.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That must have been so fun. It was fun, but, you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Do you have a release? I don't remember. I think it was a compound bow. Oh, okay. I think so.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's the only bows I've ever shot. It was like a recurve? Yeah, a recurve. I shot a recurve bow. We did like archery lessons in Italy. And so we were at different – you know how like those hills are like almost like steps? And so they'd have – but it was weird because the recurve bow was such that you had to hold it kind of like at an angle. At an angle, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So that – The arrow stays on the shelf. Yeah, and during the pandemic I got – the girls were both recurve bows and we would shoot in the backyard all the time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I haven't shot my, I only shoot my compound bow now, but I haven't shot my recurve bow with the little wristlet thing Kim gave me. I like to do that because I use always just my fingers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
But what's the ultimate pound to jump a recurve bow? What's the highest it can go?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Just blowing through everything. That's the craziest part of getting fitted for a bow. Cause I was always like, I was always come here. I was like, Joe, let me shoot your bow. And you're like, it's not that easy. Cause it's set up for a person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Okay, so it's 90. So Cam goes, I go, is that one tough to pull back? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, can I try? And he was like, yeah. Okay. So he pulls it and brings it over. You know, all the bow guys are there. And I pull it back. And Kim goes, hold on, hold on. Hang on. Takes the bow off. And he puts it and he measures it. And he's like, there's no way he did that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And he measured the test. He goes, God damn it. He goes, all right, let's move on to 69.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's not sustainable, and there's no reason to do it because as I did it, I gained weight. Like, I gained weight. I gained 10 pounds. Yeah, like, this is going to sound so silly, and you know me so well that you're going to laugh when I say this, but, like, my jackets weren't fitting. No, I'm sure. You got thick for a while.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
My shoulders and my chest and my biceps and my triceps, everything in the jacket just wouldn't fit. A year ago when you were at the club, I was calling you Jack Burt.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I was pretty skinny in the special. Not skinny, but I was in good shape in the special. Tanned, really tanned. Special outfit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, that early generation of guys were so charismatic. Oh, yeah. I mean, when you look like Frank, what's his name? Shamrock. Frank Shamrock. Oh, yeah. Hoist Gracie. Oh, yeah. Tank Abbott. Ken Shamrock. Ken Shamrock. Dude, that was like the who's.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh yeah. Yeah. You know, we were, I was, where were we just at the other day? I went to UFC with my wife and she was, and I was saying to her, she was like, so.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but I bought the tickets, so we sat up in the nosebleeds.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I know, but I'm never going to ask you for something. We know. I get angry when people ask you for shit because you're so generous with everyone that I feel bad. You called and you said, do you want tickets? And I was like. First of all, you're like, are you going to UFC? And I was like, I'm not going to say, I don't want to sound like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. And I wasn't going to ask Dana for tickets. Come on. And then you're like, oh, let me get you tickets. And then you go, UFC's got better tickets. Dude, that was a fucking fever dream that night. That was fun. It was me and Theo. I don't think I've laughed harder with an individual in my fucking life.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It was me, him, and my wife the whole time. They were like, because we went to slap fight together, then we went to UFC together, sat next to Taylor, sat next to Max Crosby, sat next to Mel Gibson, Taylor Sheridan. Look at that. Mario Lopez. What a fucking crew. The guys are like Max and Taylor LeJuan.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Taylor LeJuan's the one who did me the bench press bet with. Him and Buston with the boys. He saw me try to get 300. He was like, you can't get 300.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's like, don't, don't, don't. I was like, let me get a marker. I'll hop out. I've never gotten a marker. I got a marker one time with Tommy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, they've got to do a fucking bank transfer. It takes a long time to get a marker. A bank transfer? Unless you've done it before. In Vegas? Yeah. Dude, it took me an hour and a half to get a fucking marker.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't think you can get a marker unless you've already had that established earlier.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, I hadn't. Me and Tommy were there and Tommy's like, get a marker. So I was like, okay. So I asked for a marker and it took forever. They'd go through my financial guy and then they came in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They called him. They called him. At home? At work. It was like Tommy and I were doing it when we did the Super Bowl like two years ago.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It was daytime. Okay. And so Tommy had already gotten his marker, and it took me forever to get a marker. I got a $50,000 marker. And, dude, I got so nervous. I bet $1,000 lost $300, and I was like, I'm done. Dude, I just remember being poor too well. It's not – gambling's not fun unless it sparkles, unless there's like a – Terror. Unless there's terror. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's not fun when you're like, you know – $20, $50. Exactly. Exactly. I got to bet $50,000, all of that money on something to feel it. But I love the feeling, but the feeling's not worth it to lose the money. The losing the money, holy shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I know the name. I think it's like a Chinese blackjack.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know what's going on. Oh, craps is simple, really honestly. Craps is a very- It's not simple. Yeah, but it's basically roll the dice. Whatever that number is, you just got to roll it again. And then everyone gets a bet on whether you're not going to roll it, whether you are going to roll it. And then they can bet on the other numbers that you might roll before you roll your second number.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then there's two rolls that get you out. And then if you roll those at the beginning, you get money. It's a simple game, technically. Not as simple as blackjack.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, we got on a hot streak on a boat one time. Me and my buddy cowhead and our buddy Pete and we were fucking we were rolling hot and fucking people are loot making a lot of money I'm we're talking I'm on my 20th roll and I'm hitting them and hitting them and hitting them and I grab them one time I go to roll and the dealer guy hits my hands with the fucking stick And I go, what?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And he goes, miss roll. And I go, what? And then I rolled a crapped out of seven. And I was like, fuck that. I go, fuck that. And then the guy goes, all right, I'm out. And he just clocked out and walked away. And I, fuck me and my buddy Pete made him apologize to us.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He just, they try to fuck up your flow. They don't want to, they don't want your flow to fucking. Oh, they don't want you to stay hot. Yeah, you're hot. Let's fuck it up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It would have been bonkers. The fun is the shit you say as you roll the dice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, it means that she didn't roll a seven after her come out roll for that many rolls. She may have rolled a seven, but if you roll a seven on your come out roll, then you get paid.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. It's not confusing. You have to do it once or twice. You have to do it a couple times. You have to lose a little bit of money. I'm not fucking interested. Baccarat's the rough one. I'm so not interested. Dana said, he goes, take out, I think he said $275,000 marker to me and Tommy. He's like, I was going to be in Vegas. I go, he goes, Bert, take out a $275,000 marker.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Come play baccarat with me. I'll double your money. And I was like, I was like, if you just.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Nay, sir. Tom's like, do it. And Leanne wouldn't let me do it. She's like, no fucking way. You're going to lose it? And he's going to be like, oh, I didn't see that coming.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Can I tell you the craziest experience of that whole thing, other than meeting Mel Gibson, which was a dream? He was the sweetest guy. He's a nice guy. He was a nice guy. I told you I met him on the plane. And flying here. And then he walked by me. Like when he left at the plane, he's like, maybe I'll see you this weekend. I was like, hopefully.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then when he walked into UFC, he came over, grabbed my leg. He's like, what's up, big guy? And I was like, ah. And the guys next to me are like, you know Mel Gibson? And I was like, yeah. But the coolest part was the fucking guy, Ari Emanuel. Watching the character from Entourage be himself, because I sat right behind him, and he was just, he's the guy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's much more reasonable than the character. But he's still a character.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Nice guy. He's a nice guy. Him and Peter Berg were right in front of me in the end. I love that dude. Peter Berg's the shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
God, Peter Berg's a great... Dude, and he was a great actor. Do you remember Aspen Extreme?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wait, what's the movie... What's the TV show Gary Oldman's in right now? Not Black Doves. I don't know. It's an Apple. Joe, this is the best damn show out there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Slow Horses. Have you seen it? No. Joe, Slow Horses is Gary Oldman's best work yet, in my opinion. Really? He is so fucking good, and it is such a great show.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like The English or Slow Horses or Black Doves is there's six episodes, but it's a six episode arc. So it's not just like episodic, like we remember, like old dramas being where the whole thing happened in the hour. Right. And then you never have to watch that again. Brand new one. The whole thing happens in an hour.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There are these episode arcs where it starts off telling a story and you pay out by the last episode, much like Peaky Blinders. Peaky Blinders, they were great standalone episodes, but that episode, it was so addictive.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The streamers have changed the way we're taking in content because you start, if you start Slow Horses Tonight, you'll watch all six and then you'll be like, honey, we're watching all of these tomorrow. Really? It's so fucking good. Gary Oldman's awesome. Gary Oldman.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Are you a Dracula guy? Love Dracula. Who do you like more, Dracula or the werewolf? Werewolves. Werewolves?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
What happened to Benicio Del Toro's werewolf movie? That was a good one. I never saw it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You go, Tommy's doing theaters. And I said, okay. And you need to be doing theaters. I was like, okay. And you're like, you need a Netflix special. You need to get one. I was like... all right, Joe, how am I supposed to do that? And you go, be undeniable. And you just walked away. And I fucking was like, that's the kind of mentorship you look for in a friend. That's who you want to be around.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And we were right. I remember you telling all of us, you guys need a podcast. And I remember saying to Tom, he's out of his mind. Why don't we just do his?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Aren't they playing CCR in that? Yeah. I think it's Bad Moon. Werewolf in London.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No shit. They were going to do a series of all the horror movies, and it started with The Mummy with Tom Cruise. They had one set up for Johnny Depp.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but they were all reimagined. I took a meeting with whatever that studio was, and they always wanted a comedic actor in it. For the one in the mummy, it was Jake. Jake, guy's such a great actor, and I'm fucking flaking on his name. He was in New Girl. Jake. Jake Johnson. Jake Johnson is funny as shit. He is a great actor. And he was the comedic relief in The Mummy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And they were going to do that with each of them. So they had one set up for Johnny Depp. They had them set up for big stars. Everyone was getting their own. Wasn't it Brandon Fraser originally? He was in the original Mummy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He got Me Too'd. Is that what happened? But by a dude. A dude tried to fucking touch him. And he stood up to the guy and was like, hey, man, you're going to fuck yourself. The guy's like, I'll ruin your career. Obviously, my memory is whatever the fuck it is. But he came out and he said, you know, I was blackballed because I fucking called a dude out. Let's find out if that's true.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's what he said? Yeah. Okay. Mickey Rourke said he hadn't worked for 13 years. And Mickey Rourke was the man. Pope of Greenwich Village. Oh, Angel Heart? Angel Heart? Shut the fuck up. Yeah, dude. Mickey Rourke was a beast. Didn't he do the one with the ice cube on the stomach? The blue dream or blue...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
What was that? And it was like the ultimate sex scene. What was it called? Wild Orchid. Wild Orchid. Wild Orchid, I think. Yeah, that was a crazy movie. But I saw an interview with him, and he said he hadn't worked in 13 years. He was down on his money. Oh, I saw that. His motorcycles and his clothes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He dressed himself up one night and took himself out for a bowl of spaghetti, and it's all the money he had. Fucking Sylvester Stallone walked by, and he's like, hey, man, where you been? He's like, just been out. He was like, you want to work in a movie? He was like, yeah. And he goes, that one movie paid six months of my rent and it was his comeback. Yeah. Nicky Rourke's always been a badass.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He was awesome. I bought clothes because I saw what he was wearing on a Sunday. He had on the coolest fucking outfit. And it's so silly, but he had like Adidas track pants. This had to be like 2001. Adidas track pants with white Adidas shoes and a wife beater. And he was putting cases of Heineken in the back of a Cadillac DTS. And I was watching him from across the street.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was like, I'm getting those pants. I'm getting those shoes. Yeah. Puma shoes, Adidas pants, and a fucking wife beater. Dude, I'd dress like that hoping someone would be like, dude, that's a badass outfit. No one ever said it to me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's crazy when you see your heroes get older, you know? Like Harrison Ford to see him now and be like...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, is this Taylor's show? Yeah. No, I haven't seen it. He's great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He's the man. You know, they said the rumor is they were going to cast Tom Selleck as Han Solo. Did you hear this? Yeah, and he was a carpenter. And Mark Hamill told me this story.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Did he really? Yeah, yeah. He said they were having... they're having Harrison read with everyone. So, cause he was like, you know, great actor, but he was also a carpenter. And they're like, you just read sides with people as they audition. So we read with Kerry, read with Mark, read with everyone. They were going to cast Tom Selleck.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And at the last minute they said, you know, I don't know, man, something about Tom Selleck isn't dangerous. There's something dangerous about Harrison Ford. And there is really working. Yeah. And he's, I mean, I just watched all three Raiders of the Lost Ark the other night. And he is fucking funny.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember watching it in the movie theater and going, ah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Get the fuck out of here with that sword. Boom. God. And he was a hero with a tragic flaw, and that was snakes. That was his weakness. That was his Achilles heel.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
How many franchises? Is he the actor that's had the most franchises behind him?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Can you imagine doing Star Wars and then doing Raiders of the Lost Ark? And you'd be just being like, I guess I don't fuck up. I guess I just hit dingers.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Okay, can I ask you something? I was a first grade Burt to a fourth grade Joe Rogan. Did you know that Darth Vader was his dad in the first episode? No. Okay, I didn't either. I was a little kid. My fucking cousins were like, how did you not know that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think if they had a game show called You'd Be Shocked What Burt Doesn't Know, people would make a lot of money. Oh, yeah. I don't know anything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
You know the most interesting shit at a dinner party to talk about. Like, I don't know any of that shit. Well, I definitely can do that. I can talk on the surface level about a lot of stuff. Do you like when a person like like Taylor are you you were kind of between three conversations?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Because you were talking to your wife you're talking to David, but like me and Leanne were dead set talking to Taylor and I love I love when a dude holds court like that was a great table when he said the way he sat He's like let me tell you about remember Leanne was like I had four on a kid ahead of cattle and As a kid, and he goes, yeah, I got 14,000. And I was like, Leanne, shut your mouth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Let him talk. He did fucking Yellowstone. Let him talk.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, and you know me. Like, you know, sometimes if you tell a story, I get to tell a story, I'll tell you my story after. Yeah. Buddy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I have a weird question. Do you think, because I feel like, because I'm on Instagram a lot. I might be switching to a flip-flop. I'm not watching anything right after you quit drinking No, my wife already bought the flip phone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She was like I do that daughters put parental controls on my Instagram But uh Would you think that like I noticed it seems like a lot of people now are almost living for Instagram like like hey This is me and my three friends and we're sailing around the world and then do you think people were doing that before Instagram? No, I
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, I don't watch any. My shit's all people doing epic shit. Oh, that's good. Yeah, like I followed these two dudes, Climb Everest. I followed them on Instagram, Climb fucking Everest. And I was like, I want to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. No, no, no. Kilimanjaro's achievable. But I go, I want to do epic shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Like, I got to a place when I started taking time off in July, and I was like, yo, I want a month. I want to sail to Hawaii. I want to see what it's like to be afraid, you know, in the middle of the ocean.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, nobody. Mount Kilimanjaro is easy. It's a light lift. It's a light lift. People have died. Mount Kilimanjaro is easy. I guarantee you. No, it's like a, it's a long haul hike. I bet people have died. Okay. I bet it's under 10.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
But watch how many people will die going to Everest.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I think his name was Mallory right yeah, and Hillary is one got there so he they said They found his body probably five years after, 10 years after, and they said he had a broken leg, a fractured skull, and his pic, and that's how they could figure out it was him, because his initials were in his pic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And they said he always carried a picture of his wife, because he was gonna put the picture of his wife on the top of Mount Everest, and it wasn't in his pocket. So they're like, was he in fact the first person to get there?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then he left it there and then died coming down.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The other thing that I think is wild Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay made a deal that they would reach the summit at the same time. Because it was like, who gets to the summit first? I mean, when you think about it, especially with racism back then, Edmund Hillary was a Kiwi. He must have been like, hey, brown guy, just carry the bags.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I'm going to get up there and you come up, get a picture of me, and then we'll do one together and then we'll head down. But they made a deal to go up together because they needed him that much.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Those Sherpas will get locked on a ledge with a bunch of white people. The white people have to have helicopters come out and get them. A helicopter, I think, can only get to like twenty three hundred feet. Twenty three thousand feet is like the safe zone. They'll come and get the white people out. And then the Sherpas are like, oh, we're going to walk down. We're good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They'll hang out for like seven days up there, and then I just heard a documentary about it, or a podcast. But those guys are so fucking good at it. Also, they're so adapted to that climate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Phil Hendry, I think, had a show. He had a different show.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I remember sitting next to my dad's bed. My dad's in his underwear, and he's got his alarm clock, and we're listening to it. My dad's just like this, and my dad goes, buddy, he's both of them. I was like, what? He goes, this is all him. And you're just like, whoa. I mean, it was so ahead of its time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Surround yourself with great white sharks, and people think you're a great white shark.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The only thing he has to do is decide if it's consensual.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Tommy shits on a place so aggressively and they love it. Yeah. Like he did Dublin one year. I like saying we, we both did it and he goes, is it fun? I said, I had the best time of my life. He goes up and it's the day the King gets coordinated, coordinated. And he goes out first words. He's like, fuck your King. And the play starts going, ole, ole, ole, ole.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Tommy didn't know if they were going to stop singing. We did a show in Hawaii, and he goes, at Pearl Harbor, and they're like, all right, Tommy opens the show. He goes, they're like, first rule, don't make fun of the Hawaiians. Second rule, do not bring up Pearl Harbor. First and second joke. First joke, man, they say Island Life's slow. I didn't know they were talking about your metabolism.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Man, you guys are fat as fuck. I was taking a walk. I don't want to be as fat as you guys. I got lost on the base. Luckily, there are a couple Japanese guys that are pretty familiar with how this base operates. Me and Russell Peters are crying laughing. The Admiral's losing his mind. God damn it. What did I fucking tell him?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah. No crime. But there's our, it's like Singapore, there's crazy rules.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's not even that. They said to me in the contract, we signed up to do, I do a tour starting in October, Permission to Party. Permission to Party is the name of the fucking tour. Permission to Party. And they go, what about Dubai? I go, I don't think they're going to give me permission. Yeah. I think they're going to – the first thing was you have to wear a shirt on stage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I was like – Yeah, that's a wrap. I go, hey, man. That's crazy. It's kind of my thing. Like, I'm comfortable shirtless. That's how I perform.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Now, by the way, that's the same argument I said as I got kicked out of a Buffalo Wild Wings with my shirt off. And they're like, put your shirt on. I go, the guys on MMA aren't wearing fucking shirts. Yeah, that's different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Yeah, if it was part of your act, you could smoke. That's how Ron White smoked cigars on stage.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I remember doing stand-up when you could smoke at the Boston Comedy Club. And, buddy, do you remember the last stop in Houston? Oh, yeah. That place, there were so many cigarettes, you would come out with a cough.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Do you remember the comics that would smoke on stage and then they'd go and do the Tonight Show and they didn't know what to do with their right hand?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He did Smokey and the Bandit, and they offered him points on the movie, and he said, I'll take cash. Whoops. I know. Damn. I saw the sexiest thing in Palm Springs the other day. White Cadillac.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. White Cadillac. 75-year-old woman. Hair done. Little coif. Windows up. White, big Cadillac. She puts a 100-cigarette windows up and lights it in her car. Just windows up. And I went, fucking old school. Wow. I don't know. When was the last time you saw someone smoke a cigarette in a car with their windows up?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
She's got them old school pioneer genes. Did you ever hear the story about Johnny Carson almost got killed by the guy in the mob?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No, Frank Sinatra had to negotiate his safety. What was it about? Johnny Carson was at a bar drunk and the mobster's girl was there and the mobster was in the back and Johnny Carson hit on the mobster's girl and like smacked her ass or lifted her skirt up. Oh no. And they were like, we're going to kill him. And they went out and he hid.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And then he went out and they're like, no, we have a hit on him. He's going to die. And Frank Sinatra had to negotiate it. Someone just told, you know who told it to me? God damn it. Oh, son of a bitch. Not Fletcher. Comedy store comic, white hair, did The Tonight Show 120 times. You know him. Argus? Argus. I think it was Argus told me that story.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's, out of all the scariness in movies, the scariest part of any movie is one of those mob movies where they say to the guy, hey, Johnny wants to talk to you tonight. And the guy's like, tell Johnny I'm calling tomorrow. And he's like, no, he said to get in the car now. And the guy goes, well, I'll take my car. He goes, no, no, you're going to get in the car with us. And you know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That guy's going to die. He's going to die. Looks at his friend, takes off his ring.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Gives it to him. And I don't know. I'm such a bitch that if in those moments I'd be like, no, I don't want to go. And just start running. Or like when you see in the war movies, when you see like in, what was the one, 1917? When they tell those two kids they got to run and go tell the front line what to do. Oh, yeah. Is that 1917? I don't know. Like, my grandfather stormed the beaches of Normandy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He was one of those PTSD Levittown guys. Moved to Levittown, and my dad said he just would sit in the garage, drink beers, and listen to Met Games, and just wash his car. My dad said he never heard his dad ever mention the war, and if the war was brought up, his dad would walk out of the room. But he stormed the beaches of Normandy, and...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't know if I have the thing in me to get off the boat. I think I'm a bitch. I think I'd be like, I'd lock down. I'd be like, I'm not getting off. When you look at guys like Jocko.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
My dad found his dad's diary from the war. And he photocopied it and sent me the photocopy. My dad has the diary. And it's funny because, you know, my memory is like jaded to how I find things interesting. So sometimes it's not 100% accurate. But in there, there was a memory of like, they took one of these like Q boats, I think, or K boats across the fucking Atlantic over to England.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
barely had time to get off the boat, stayed in England for a second. I want to say they stayed on the boat the whole time and then took that same boat over to, or they probably took different boats, but took a boat over to Normandy. My grandfather's entry is something to the effect of, we're going to this, we're storming this beach today.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I don't think he knew the levity or the seriousness of what was happening. I think they were like, he just very casually mentioned it. And the only other thing I remember out of reading that diary was that he would He would get water in his helmet. It was so cold, he'd get water in his helmet to shave. And by the time he went to shave, he had to break the, it would freeze over with ice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
He had to break it with his razor. But to think that, I mean, just the amount of trauma that those guys went through and no one really cared about it. They were like, just have a fucking shot of scotch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Dude, can I tell you what fucking makes me stop for a second? When we were in Serbia, they have statues of Gabriel Pritsip everywhere. He's the guy that shot Franz Ferdinand, the Archduke. Oh, yeah. They have statues of him everywhere. He's a fucking national hero in Serbia because he technically created Yugoslavia. I mean, people have, they wear shirts of Gabriel Pritzip. They have wallets.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
So this guy, movie producer. Who started World War I. He started, he changed the world forever. That one man is responsible for millions of deaths and so much suffering. Isn't that crazy? And they have statues of this dude. Statues everywhere. Dude, some guy, I got obsessed with it because I was like, I can't believe you guys, we consider that a terrorist in our country.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And this one guy gave me a. That's so crazy. They gave me a... Look at that writing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Can you read that? Yeah. Really? I think it's Russian. It's acrylic or whatever it is. Cyrillic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
I just met this DJ, very big DJ, DJ Zed. If I played you any of his songs, you've heard every one of them, right? Okay. And we met him at, I was with Santino, we were at a tennis tournament. And I said, wait, where's your accent from? And he goes, oh, I'm Russian. I said, good day. And he goes, I was like, and we started talking in Russian back and forth. How long did it take you to learn that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
As long as I was there. I got pretty good towards the end. How long were you there for? Like... A month and a half, three months. That's it? Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Two months maybe. Do you have a hidden skill? No, no. A hidden ability to learn languages? No, I don't. I can speak Spanish. I just told you the same Uber drivers picked me up six times in this town and he doesn't speak English. How'd you learn how to speak Spanish? I just grew up in Florida.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. Anyone that just heard me talk in Russian just knows that I barely, I don't even sound good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
No. Yeah. I can understand Russian a lot better than I can speak it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
And I can understand Spanish a lot better than I can speak it. But I was just in Spain a week ago, and apparently my Spanish, it sounds like, me need ice. Me ice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
It's a complicated country, and I love Serbia. I love Serbia.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
We'll get in the street. It's fascinating. I mean, listen, I understand if you're Serbian and you're listening, you may disagree with what I'm about to say. I'm just going to say it. They fucking hate Albanians.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They make Albanian jokes like crazy, right? So one day we're on the set, and I said to one of the guys, I go, hey, man, like, I'm not like a woke dude. It's a funny joke. But, like, what if there's an Albanian here that, like, heard that and heard their feelings? And he goes, oh, he'd know to be smart enough to keep his fucking mouth shut. And I went, all right, never mind.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
The only Albanian they like is Dua Lipa. They love Dua Lipa. I know I'm generalizing, and I know there's Serbians that are like, we don't hate them all, but they all know how to play basketball. They're all tough as fucking shit. Every dude's a fucking man. You don't meet one dude that you don't think is a cage fighter.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They had a... Now, mind you, I got to guess the Serbians that I was hanging out with, and one of them was my driver. But, like, they had a chant for their president. Like, when they hit their president, they would chant out the other guy, and it was like... He's Vinici. He's a faggot. He's Vinici. Jesus Christ. It's like such a fucking – I just – I don't know, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
There's something really interesting about that freedom that they had there that they just talked openly. And like they'd take a cigarette break and like the girls would sit down and cuddle up next to a dude that they weren't dating. They're just touchy like that. Like they don't have like – there's no like intimacy counselor on set. They were just – I remember watching one of the girls –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Sit and have a cigarette with one of the dudes and they were like just cuddling against the wall and I was like Are they dating and they're like no, they're just friends Look at that shit That's Serbian basketball, baby, bro, that's war that's war
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Oh, buddy. Give them another year. They kind of have.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Luka Doncic and Jokic. Dude, everyone plays basketball. The girls play basketball there. Jesus Christ. No one jogs. I was the only one jogging every morning. Every morning I jogged by myself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
They were doing what we're doing now way before the curve.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Those men are beasts. I'd go to the mall. It was like the nicest place to go.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
Wouldn't it be great to watch a Serbian team play with one of those inner city teams?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2291 - Bert Kreischer
That's Texas fucking high school football. Right, right, right. We used to play a black team growing up. It was like Booker T. Washington. And they would come in, we'd play basketball, and the visiting stands would be packed. I can't remember the exact name of the team, but they'd be packed. And their thing was, boom, we thump. Boom, boom, we thump.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
There was a second where I could have gotten you and Schultz, where the two kind of like white whales. It would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis. Mark Norman. Mark Norman, Santino. It's such a fun group. Whitney, Nikki. It's such a fun. Big J, Dan Soder. It's so fun. And Schultz called me directly, and he was like, I got your offer, and I respectfully declined.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But then his agent was like, you can't afford them. And I was like, okay, I get it. But you want your friends to blow up. It would have been cool, but it's like you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They say do you have a hobby and I go like podcasts? No, like do you have a hobby I go? Shoot content like no like a hobby. I go I'm working on a movie Yeah, and they're like no, what do you do for fun? I go like collect rocks I don't the fuck you're talking about like look at toads take pictures of animals. I don't who the fuck does that I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Walking with a friend is not a hobby. It isn't. Because immediately I go, why don't we turn into a podcast? Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting. Okay, and so let's scrap the ignore that podcasting is a business When are me and you gonna get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out with and go you?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's not how it works at all. Usually you definitely know the guy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can't answer your phone can't look at your phone Let's just talk for the rest of our lives probably never till we're older or if I if you have something you want to promote Maybe we can do it over at my house, but it's like it's kind of fucked up I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour. I
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes, got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Parker, Jelly. I see Jelly. Jelly's a little different because I see him and I end up spending a lot of time with him. Yeah, he's somehow so accessible in a weird way. Yeah, but podcasting, I don't look at that as work.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I look at it as an opportunity to hang out with my friends and get to know other people, other men. Oh, for sure. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan together. I never do. So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talk. They have smart brains in a different way than me. Like I'll never think the way they think.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I love you were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy. The Maui peach sorbet. Yeah, I think if you do this. You're doing this the whole time like you're selling fancy to me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I know. This little movement right here just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice. Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're going to like it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was at a Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, oh, no, thank you. What, do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down and shit in our mouths? No, thanks. I think we'll pass.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking, like, well, you want a Mexican blowjob? You're like, hold on. What are we doing here? It's like the donkey show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour. Once a week. Have you ever tried that? For one hour every day? No, once a week he does his show. Once a week. Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Because I think Bonham Murray's collapsed, right?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, no, no, no, no. Me, you, and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity- Starting a fraternity.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You have to do two things at twice. You have to pedal and steer. And it's counterintuitive. My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going, pedals off, gliding, pedals back on, here we go, and boom, hit a BMW. Hard as shit. Over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood. And I was like, God. So then she goes, I'm good, Dad.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hold on. So it was – I'm just going to set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
We were the hosts and executive producers. Oh, wow. You don't remember that? I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going. I think it might have – if I'm not mistaken, I think I might have been the one – That was like, because I had like headsets in and I was talking to producers and it was all our ideas. So we were like, all right, we're going to get these out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Put it in Craigslist. We'll get a fucking party bus. Put it in Craigslist. If we get anyone that applies, we'll take them. We had no fucking background checks. None. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember. I remember that one guy showed up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He had PTSD, and he'd wake up in the middle of the night and marine crawl around the fucking house to check the perimeter.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking, in the garbage can, and we couldn't get him out.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He was a full-time fucking ninja. Yeah. And then there was the guy you championed, and you were trying to get a lead. He made out with a chick. Dude, one dude cheated on his wife, and he was like, I think I just ruined my life. And we're like, ah. And so, hold on. Hold on, this is the best. We wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks, so we just hired prostitutes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Everyone was getting laid, but it was because we paid for them. Everyone was like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, was it that all-female band? With tape over their nipples and their pussies. Yeah, Harlow. Wasn't that their name? You remember their name? I think that was them. Google them. Harlow. They had Jack Daniels and pillows. And they created a pillow flight. Feathers went everywhere. And they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths. That's how the pilot opened. My name's Bert Kreischer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity. It's going to get wild. And the girl spit vodka in my mouth. And I was like, I'm married with two kids. Dude, that was, is that? No, that's not them.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's them. Yeah, dude, they were cute. Oh, they were fucking killer. They were hot too, dude. I remember the executive producer came out to the pool. All the prostitutes are naked. They're all in the pool. I'm in the pool in pajamas. And the producer, one of the executive producers goes, I can't use any of this. I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, what's that? And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off. He goes, put them on. I go, what is that? And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, I hope it was me, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head? Yeah, dude, yeah. I mean, we fucking beat up those lesbians. It was the fucking wildest show ever. One of them fucking asked for it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And we stole the wrong goat. We did? Yeah, we had an address that we were going to pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them, like production-wise. So we pulled over to piss and the fucking Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid? Is his name Killian?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Second time we get her, she hits a trash can right away. I'm like, God dang.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
A lot of those guys are dead. Seamus O'Farrell. Is that him? A lot of guys that were in that pilot died. Yeah. Because I was in a Facebook group with him. And like the big guy, or like the big guy, he passed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He had two kids. Oh, did he? Yeah, he was a fucking.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like, wait, were they serving? Yeah. We're like, yeah. What are they serving? Like, you just ate it. Yeah, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then third time she had a fire hydrant, and then we realized she needed glasses. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we had to get her glasses. Yeah, at that point. She's dyslexic too. She hits so much shit. We got a video of her. That kid has been – are we rolling? Are we good? Huh? I don't know. Are we?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, I always say, like – I forgot about that. That was – like, it's like – you know when you discover someone? Like, when – like, I'm thinking of the best examples. Like, Cam Patterson, right? Like, my wife's friends, their kids are in high school, and they came to one of my shows, and they're like – Have you seen Cam Patterson? At the time, I hadn't. And then I was like, no.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him and I was like, oh, he's funny. That moment, we all have it for comics. And I've heard for a very long time, watch people discover you when they go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughn? But I had to discover you too. Like, right, I got to find that you were funny too. Right.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I always say it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you just like, like everything you were saying was like so fucking funny. That and, oh no, that and fucking Reality Bites Back. I've always said that like, that finale, Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life. Really? Oh my God. You were dropping dimes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When we were all sitting in the bleachers, I was crying laughing. I have never laughed harder in my fucking life where I was like, this guy, everything you said was fucking hysterical. And you're in a room full of killers. Killers in there. Oh, killers. It was so much fun. Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you remember when Donnell, we were in the car and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, because Mo is like, I love Mo. I love Mo. I'm not shitting on Mo. But Mo was younger than everyone. So he was like trying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he goes, Donnell's in front of the van. He goes, Moe, has anyone ever told you you're funny? And Moe goes, of course. And he goes, name one person. And Moe goes, my mom.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's doing great. Mo's a creative dude, man. He's a very creative dude. Look at Schumer. Holy shit. Hi, I'm Hurt, and I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls. Look at you, Hurt. Look at how loud my voice is. It's our laugh, and it looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay. That kid rolled the dice on life so much, so much. Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this? She would do that. That's how she rode a bike. She liked her stomach to drop. So she'd go, and Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet, and Isla did it and then went over the handlebars. That's the cutest video Georgia looked at me. She goes, Dad, I got it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Wow. Look at you, Hurt. I worked so hard on my career to build a pita house.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
to my favorite one. I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this video, is we did So You Think You Could Dive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you said, everyone practiced diving all week, and you're like, I'm good. I already know what I'm doing. And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10-meter or like the 5-meter. It was high as shit. I went up there. In a wheelchair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but it was before content really. I got an Instagram not for professional reasons. I got an Instagram to keep up with people I knew in high school and college. And then you're like, oh, in comics, cool. No one was posting videos of like promo videos. No. And then I shared everything about my family on everything.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart. And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off that you were going face first. And you fucking landed on your stomach so hard. Came up. That was the fucking. Please tell me you have it. I don't know. Oh, shut the fuck up. Really? Oh, my God.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, look how young we were. Bert, look at you. Oh, my God, look at this. This is what all I did was hit on Greg. Greg Louganis the whole time. And then he got pissed because he found out I was married. Really? Yeah, you remember? That's why he voted me off. He was like, you don't tease a man.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, that's right. Dude, I picked up everyone in the car, and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's going to be an awkward ride home. And I got voted off, and I drove home. And I was like, it was quiet. I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think? And we're all going back to work. God, I was not.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What octave is that? If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's that kid Cameron. Watch.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay, do me a favor. Wow. Go to me getting kicked off. Do you remember this? With Greg Louganis?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive. Is he? I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness. Oh, wow. He's HIV positivity. I saw that bathing suit. I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit yesterday. I told you. All right, go to the end when I get voted off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
This was the biggest regret of my life. Yeah. Like sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I know what you're talking about, Bobby. And so like now I did this and no one laughed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No one laughed, everyone saw it, and it was wildly rolling the dice on it. And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home, and I got in bed with my wife that night, and I didn't know how it was gonna be edited, and I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career. I might have made it, because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show at my daughter's preschool.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I remember the first time I realized maybe I was oversharing is I posted our Christmas card on Instagram. And someone hit me up, a guy we both know that we respect hit me up and he was like, dude, what are you doing? I was like, and it got like a million likes. And I was like, you know, I don't know. You get addicted to the likes. You're like, nice, fucking killed it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's married. Michael, I think, was being, like, honest. Like, this is a bad idea.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, yeah. Oh, yeah. Me, you, Red Grant. Me, you, Red Grant took a bath with Lunell.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you remember? Lunell had two bathing suits on. Did she really? And she took one off. And she goes, boys, wear your bathing suits. And then we took ours off. And then she got out of the bath. And we were all naked. And she took our bathing suits. God.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Kyle's mom was a hired stripper. Yeah. Just so we're clear, Kyle's real mom is dead. Kyle's real mom passed away? Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper. Oh, damn. Well, yeah. I remember meeting your mom, and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make dream catchers in New Mexico.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this shit from Rite Aid.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Jeff Garcia. Jeff Garcia left. Don't play that. I do not need to see that. Hang on. I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that. You know when you've done something and you're like, ah, why did I do that? That fucking moment. That fucking makes my skin crawl.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They said, you're going to bring you in. You're going to seduce somebody. And the more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in and it was our moms. And I In the dark. In the dark. And I told her what I'd do to her, giving her oral sex. I fucking... I think about that because I was honest. I was fucking honest, Theo.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then you don't realize your kids, all their friends see that. And then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in. But that was, we were creating content not knowing what we were doing. Oh, I see what you're saying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You were so good at this. You were so good at this.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, you were so good at the whole fucking game. Like, it got in my head, and I would get panicked because I needed the money, and you were just fucking chill. I was probably on steroids, dude. You might have been.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I could not agree more. They fucked up a lot. By the way, here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up. They should, we should buy that. Me, you, Donna, just people with little money. We should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it. Because that is, we could do one season, we could do five seasons out of just outtakes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say. Do you remember me and Red were in a pool with Amy Schumer and she goes, what are we going to do now? And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine? She goes, what's that? And I go, well, you're Leaky Submarine and we got to plug up all your holes. And everyone's like, Can't use that. And I was like, what? It's fucking funny.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there, I'm telling you, that finale, you had, it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant, and Donnell were in a cluster, and we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight. You were just, they would say something, and you just...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Honest Theo, like the person you are today was there that day and you were stream of consciousness and we were, I've never laughed harder. Damn.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, I talked about Isla's period on one of my specials.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'd invest. I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding. And bodybuilding is pretty – have you ever seen natural bodybuilding? The answer is no. That's a good point. Yeah. You're like, okay, it's pretty fucking boring. You look at real bodybuilding and you're like, yeah, get – that's what I want to fucking look at.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, we did. Hang on. Yeah. Dude, as a comic, okay, certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good. That's got to go on stage. Like something happens and you're like this. It's like, I just, it's a, I don't know if it's like a, I don't know, like if it's a neediness or whatever it is, but she got her period.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, don't buy it. Everyone makes their own fucking choices in life. Look, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now. Are you really? Are you shitting me? Dude, I fucking love it. I jerk off every morning. I jerk off every, if I don't have sex with my wife, my dick's hard and I'm turned on every fucking morning when I wake up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Thinking about my wife, but I'm trying she's not there like today I jerked off she was at the gym working out and I was like or at her trainer or whatever and I was like I'm gonna jerk off. Yeah, I dude it's awesome. I feel alive. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life I'm healthier than I've ever been I do my liver numbers.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's all every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone is repetitive to liver cells. Yes. It's fucking awesome Well, are you I mean, are you still fat or whatever then? Yeah, I Yeah, obese, morbid. Okay. I'm morbidly obese. Okay, I just want to make sure you're still sticking with this stuff. No, I only work out so I can party. That's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rosé. I go, fuck yeah, because I know I was in the gym this morning, hard as shit. I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hard as shit. You look great. I feel great. I mean, I really feel phenomenal.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but testosterone has just given me a zest for life. I mean, the downfall is my face is redder sometimes, so I have to get hair and makeup. My face can get pretty red. From the testosterone? I think so. That's what someone told me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No. I mean, I don't know. I was going to get hair transplants. Leanne doesn't want me to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Your hair, you've always had the thickest goddamn hair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Internet, make that a before and after. Just fields, buns, hairs, transplants. Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you. And it's fucking hysterical. If you type in Burt Kreischer fat, all the pictures have been doctored. And they don't bother me because they're not real. The real ones bother me. The real ones...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I mean, I talked about it on special, but she called me from school and she's like, yo, it happened. I was like, yeah. She's like, what do you need, like new socks? Or like, new panties, new pants, new whatever. She goes, no, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I was like, huh? She goes, we're throwing a period party. And I was like... I was like, okay. Be positive, huh?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
bollywood i want to do that dude there's one type in bollywood uh motorcycle motorcycle dance there's i was so for a promo i wanted to recreate this and i was going to fly to bollywood all right and do my promo in bollywood dude money goes pretty far in bollywood so i could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production bollywood motorcycle dance That's it. I bet that's it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bollywood music video. Guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance. I'll get all the people. And you gotta find the, never mind.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful. It's a whole movie. I don't know why we don't have more of that. I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Bollywood Disney? Yeah, do they have a Disneyland in India? They have to, huh? No. I went out to dinner with a couple. That's good. And they go, did you... Leanna just went to Paris. And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like... No. And they're like, why not? And I was like, because I'm a fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, we went. It's so awesome.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you. Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris. Oh. As opposed to just being in Paris. They went to Disney in Paris.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's the same fucking Disney. Go to Orlando. Save some fucking money. Stay here. Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day. They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse, who, by the way, just is Mickey Mouse. It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse. They're like, it was amazing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's fine. That's totally fine. That's like, hey, man, this is my culture. I want to see how you represent my culture. Yeah. But going to see Mickey. You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse. Come on, what the fuck are we talking about? God damn it. Yeah, I don't. Listen, when I travel, I like to do. I like to. I like to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit. I want to sleep in. I want to wake up. I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, a couple beers, keep walking around. And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city. That's the fun way to do it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like 2 in the morning, know you can sleep in the next day. Wake up, go for a jog. That's what I'm talking about. You will not find me at fucking Paris Disney.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Immediately as the night went through. And by the way, I put it on all social media because it's funny. And no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know? And you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing. And then Isla the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Wait, can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What if, right? you don't know what the other team you're playing against is. And in playing the game, you've got to guess what they are. So all their answers are one way. So you're like, where's the best place to vacation? And you hear a bunch of people go, you're the... Team you're playing against said Jamaica. Yeah, and then the other one's like Birmingham. Yeah. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah Yeah, and so then and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible But try to guess who the other people are. Okay, never mind bad pitch because you could just lie and and misdirect people keep going
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's not – No, that would probably – We got to take that one out. But – No, ADHD kids versus autistic kids.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That would be great, dude. And autistic kids don't need to talk. They do mental telepathy. Yeah. They don't talk anymore. They just – Just saw a documentary on that. Google it. And you put the two of them against each other, it'd be fucking great.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
you fuck what you get, okay? That's the name of the pitch. So a guy goes up, okay, like we bring up Theo Vaughn, and you have a room full of 100 women. And you guys, ladies, on your, by your chair, you'll see a little panel. On a scale of one to 10, rate Theo Vaughn. You can present yourself. My name's Theo. I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand-up comedian. I have a podcast. I'm on tour.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Born in March. Born in March. Yeah, give them your sign.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Nice. And then you ladies rate him on what you think. And so they go, Theo Vaughn is an eight. And you go, cool. Now, Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you. So look back at your panel and see what number you are. And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six. He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out. So it just thins out the herd.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Social media, maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday. I was like, good call, 10-year-old or 12-year-old, whatever you are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And you're like, all right, you are what Theo is willing to fuck. Now... Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal. You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10. And if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney. That's your vacation. You've got to go to Paris Disney.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But if you pick the eight, we're going to send you to Bali and you're going to be on the beach all week. You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest, out of your league. You can't get her. By number standards, you can't get her. And then you take the two on the date and you pick who they are. What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people. I'd go with an eight to Bali.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'd go with an eight to Bali, too. I'd go with a six to Bali. Did you really? I would. Well, my wife, but she's more like a six and a half. Is she? I think so.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can I do a secret time? Yeah. One of my favorite things in the world. I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast at Zany's, and you came by to say hi and support her. Oh, yeah. And she called me bawling crying. She goes, you know... Really?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
She goes, I was so nervous, and I was so, you know, I feel like I'm in a different space, and I'm doing my podcast, and, you know, and... And she goes, baby, I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something. She called crying. She goes, Theo came. I went, what? She goes, Theo came.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself because they're real people. She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support. And I was, I got emotional telling it. So I was like. I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you, and it's just not about a business. Yeah. But thank you for doing that.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that. Yeah, of course you did. That's who you are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's it. You found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Look at this. Look at this, Theo. Promo video for my new tour coming, right? Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good, Theo.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Look at this. Look at this, Theo. How great is this?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Theo, you would have never left your caste system. Are you going to AI Theo's face in it? I was going to do you, but... Do me, do me, do me, do me, do me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You would have never left your... No, it's just Indians.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Can I ask you an honest question? Yeah, 100%, man. This is why I don't do – I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects. Because I noticed that I have – for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control. And I'm not good at it. So I did something for someone one time, and the whole time, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm wasting my life, I'm in fucking makeup, and no one's treating me with respect, and I'm fucking, and I was like, I'm just sitting in a goddamn trailer, waiting for some 18-year-old to come and tell me it's time, and I can't walk around, and I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. And a friend of mine said, just giving you a heads up, notice this in yourself.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And don't allow yourself in that situation. She'll get a bad rap. It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they didn't. Blake Lively or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But I'm team Blake Lively. I like her, I think. Yeah, I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But did you, in doing it, did you, because I know how internal you are and I know how kind of pensive you are. Were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I just was like, no, this is their life. What am I doing? Like what part, what need do I have to jump in, make it an event, event like, ah, and then I don't know. So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy too. Just like removing myself, slowing down, listening. Yeah. Well, Leanne and I are in couples therapy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just me you know do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something they want it? They want you to come in and do something and then they're like try to like script it for you a little bit like my example is like They'll be like you take your shirt off right? I was like.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I don't know maybe I mean I don't know it's fucking 10 degrees out here, and they're like okay, but it's coming off though right it's like maybe you just come on you rip your shirt off and be like kill a beer and I'm like I I also talk. Yeah. But it's like sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as a producer.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
They go like, so you'll just, like they did it today and we're like, he'll just come in like a hurricane with his hands going up like this and he'd be like, ah. But there was no, did you find that happening to you ever?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No way. Yeah, I'm fucking killing her. Like, I've won three. She's only won two. Two ties. I'm smoking her, dude. The very first therapy. The very first therapy. The therapist. Like, I was just... Like, we went into couples therapy in a good place. We were in a good place. But the girls both went to college. We're spending a lot of time together. And, you know, and like...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, they didn't like try to get Josh Wolfe in and I remember as a substitute But they just moved the lines over to a different character But when I watched it back the guy had two lines and it would I would have better be there for 12 weeks It just wasn't a good fit right the first movie I ever had a friend did Tom did a movie with Mark Wahlberg Yeah, and he was there for like five weeks and I was like I was like, oh cool You're so you're in a lot of scenes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like I'm like two scenes and I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks? He's like, yeah, that's part of making a movie. I was like, well, I guess I'm not making a movie. And then I was like, I'm not going to fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks. You've got to be kidding me.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
We're we're keeping that or we're not keeping that or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing Then I just can't do that for me It's just how I work You know when I got back from Serbia someone had written a part in a TV show for me and they text me like yo I wrote a part for you and I was like, um, yeah, I'm gonna do it He's like we haven't even read it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, I know that but it's not my show Yeah, he's like, well, hold on. Hang on. I wrote it for you and I went okay I don't know what to tell you but I can tell I can just tell you Yeah that if I go on to your show
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm going to have feelings and I'm probably not going to be great and I'm going to be in a fucking different city from my family and I just got back from Serbia and I kind of want to go on tour and I kind of want to do my podcast and I kind of want to, like I don't want to go on to another set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking eats snorts coke or whatever, you know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And so he was like, and I was like, and I'm friends with you and right now it seems we're friends. Right. So let's just keep the friendship and then we don't have to work together. Yeah. It's funny because it's like, if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, Yeah, you're my friend write a part for me and now I'm just like no, please don't write a part for me
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Are you kidding? Can, wait, for anyone listening, that's how tough Hollywood is right now. Right now they are not making movies. No one's making movies.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But also... Wait, wait. I know what you're saying.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But... You mean two cisgendered white privilege males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood? I don't know. But that's the funniest fucking thing that there's – because there is semi-truth to that. But also we have had opportunities our entire life. But also it's like you talk to any fucking writer, any writer in Hollywood who's like 50, a dude who's white, they cannot get a job.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like they cannot work. And they lose – and these are all liberals. Like you got to realize a Hollywood liberal writer – Man, he's fucking storming the Capitol about those goddamn scripts. That's crazy. It's crazy. Talk to any of them. They're all like fucking, dude, whatever's happening in Hollywood. I was like, you've had a good run.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Both of us were like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived. I've always been on the road, home Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday. And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from stand-up right now, so I'm taking like a year off, and we're just around each other so much. We're like, maybe we should just be in front of it in case something happens.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend. David's a legend. David Spade is, like, I always think. He's a legend. When you look at, like, SNL, right? Did you watch 50 years?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Okay. But when you watch it, it's pretty epic. I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50 because you watched a lot of it. Yeah. If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get it. why these racist sketches.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, where's Timothee Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson's not in more sketches? Where's fucking, you know... Chaperone, yeah. Chaperone. But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold. Eddie Murphy doing... Tracy Morgan?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan. It was so funny.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. This was my favorite sketch ever. We can't play it because it'll get docked.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But, dude, it was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like when you look at – so when you look at comedy history, right? Yeah. When they talk about comedy history, now it's kind of interesting I think because you look back at the last 50 years. Yeah. And there's only like a handful of names but legends that will – like Belzer, he'll be remembered. Richard Belzer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl LeBove will be remembered. He was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics. Like, so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation. David Spade will not be lost in conversation.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Right, like see what's going on. Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, the first therapy, Leanne interrupted me, and the therapist goes, now you know me, right? He goes, does he ever talk? I was like, oh, this is awesome. She's got, I've got, Leanne got crossed up. She's like on her heels. Like, wait, what the fuck? He won't shut the fuck, he's just not talking now.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Out of all the SNL people, he has had one of the most probably... fucking crystal clear pristine hysterical his movies will fucking forever be talked about tommy boy black sheep uh meet joe dirt uh the fucking all he's a legend and to make a movie with him is like that's the coolest thing you ever like you're ever gonna get to do
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
If someone's like, Theo, I don't get it, you'd be like, hold on. Hang on. I hit dingers. What I do is just tell jokes, and I'm just funny. So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try. And a lot of people would be like, I don't know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's what I think. When I did The Machine, the very first night, I was like, I'm not going to drink.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When was the last time you fell off the wagon? Oh, man. What's it like when you – like the morning after? Is it like shameful or do you go like – Like is it, cause that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't want to fucking, I don't want to relapse.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, like honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult cause you, you're doing so well and you're like, I'm feel good. I'm losing weight. I feel fucking happy. Like, well, I don't want to drink. And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise and champagne. And then the next morning it's just like the fuck you, you let everyone down.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking. Right. Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down. That's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I never, like, it was like, oh yeah, this is badass.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, it's like the same way like you ever see someone that loses weight, right? Yeah. And they're like, I lost like 90 pounds. You're like, cool. And then they gain it back plus some. And you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight. You should have just stayed that fat. That fat was good for you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Sometimes people lose weight and you're like, I'd like to have fat.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was like, fuck, isn't that crazy? You can change. Because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality. Oh, yeah. Because there's a narcissism. And by the way, take whatever you're going to grant us all. There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing. I'm going to get real skinny. I want to get ripped. Like it's okay to get healthy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But like when you go like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something? You could change your race. Like, what if you like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Just to be like, oh, you're eating a lot of blueberries? Like, I'm going to be black next month.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. You're eating a lot of matzo. You're like, taxes are due in April. You know how it is. Fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
What's up with the burritos? You're like, oh, my yard's a fucking mess. I got to fucking clean that shit up. Jesus. Yeah, somebody's got to do it. What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit. That's all. Just want to get my good credit score. God damn. Whoa, what's up with eating pussy? And you're like, I don't know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I'm not, I'm never going to find a therapist. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that. Yeah. And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy. You're like, were you like, I remember I had a buddy one time, we were at a beach, and he was like, hey, man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone, but I want to run it by you and see if you think it?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, I say no when people say that kind of shit. I fucking. Oh, I said yes. I said, yeah, we were drinking, we were smoking weed. I was like, run it by me. He goes, there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do. And I was like, please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go, okay. And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But I do it and I'm not gay. And I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it. And I said, okay. What's the thing? And he goes – I jerk off and I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I jerk off too. I jerk off too. Oh my God, I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off because that's what they tell you at Catholic school.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yes. I need to slow down. I have FOMO. I want to be involved in everything.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You don't jerk off, don't touch yourself, it means you're gay. You want to play with dicks. That was what being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like. Where you're like, oh my God, I want to suck dick too. God. But how do you let them know? Do you just be like, hey. I would love to see that. I would love, I would love. Two gays in the wild or whatever meeting each other?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yes, like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men. The Memphis homosexual. Yeah. And then you can watch them kind of feel each other out. Yeah. perusing the Whole Foods produce section. What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player, who then is like, you can't tell me I'm gay.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm gonna beat your fucking ass. And you're like, okay. You know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That doesn't make any sense. I wish I could find out. Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram, I guess you could, but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up. And apologize to them or whatever? No, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to me, and you're like, uh-oh. You're like, I hope it's not me. Someone get him a glass of water, quick. Count to 10 while you're drinking, 10 sips.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude. I get, when I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I'm I gotta go downstairs. I go, what are we doing? Hang on, we're playing with the dogs? I wanna be a part of that. Like, dude, I, and my day starts early, and it just, I slam it. Because if I have any downtime, I get in my head, I get on my phone. It's just not positive. And so I pack my days.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think oh, yeah, I mean it's like different I mean, I I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys I'm sure that I'm sure they do about like the way we think and they're like, oh, yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, everything – like, you ever seen white people make fun of – black people make fun of white people's texts?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Is it good? It's so good. But, like, the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate. Black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text, and they think it's crazy. They're like, shut up. Hold on. There was a text, H-O-S... And they were like, what do you think? It's a black dude reading it. He speaks white.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he goes – they go – and his girlfriend is like, what is H-S-O-O-B? What would that mean? And he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's hold on one damn second, buddy. And everyone's – and they're like, what?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And he's like, oh, yeah. But they find that funny. So like everything – you can find everything funny. Like I still think like – Like, I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time. And I went up behind Tom and I went... Actual glass? Wine glass? Yeah, wine glass. Oh, that's very dangerous. Yeah. And I went up to him behind his shoulder.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I went, cocktail? And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They wanted to teach us the Dewey Decimal System so bad when we were kids.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Right? I mean, honestly, if you're like, okay, what are you going to watch? I want to watch a high jump. A guy can high jump seven feet. And you're like, that's cool. And they're like, there's a dude who can do 10 feet. And you're like, what do you mean? Like over a basketball hoop? Like, yeah, 10 feet. It's like fucking crazy. And they light it on fire. And you're like, oh, put that one on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's just like supply and demand. What do you want to watch? A guy sprint. Sprinting is pretty cool, right? The sprinters are pretty cool. Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill. I want to watch that head-to-head. But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys. And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah. And you're like, whoa. I mean, physical capabilities.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I had a therapist tell me one time, you have FOMO. I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
When you see people... It's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroids. Why would you ever put the two together? I want to see the big ones.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were? How great was baseball? It was so fucking great. And then they ruined it by taking steroids away. And these guys weren't, I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing. They were doing steroids. But I think it was all for recovery.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It wasn't like they were like – I don't think they were doing – I think they were doing TRT, if I'm not mistaken. I don't remember. I don't really know.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I have a size 8 head, and now my head – size 8 hats.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And hit that guy that works in the booth. HGH. Okay, that's a real one.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They don't even, yeah, before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is fucking insane. Oh, yeah, brother. Look at him.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. When you got sober, did that change? Because there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go, hey, man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I challenged Israel Adesanya as a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first. And Izzy was like, I talked to Izzy about it, and he was like, I'm not going to lie. It'll be an interesting fight because he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted. And I was like, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and, like... And Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink, but Shane Gillis can drink 12 beers and not feel a thing. Yeah.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, and just giving us 12 beers. We haven't increased our level at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking fighter.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He came to my New Zealand show, and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears, and I wanted to do it. And he came up, and they're like, I got a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking, wild shit. Like I said it about everyone. I do it to everyone. I did it to Conor. I just like guys I know have sense of humor, the cage fighters.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys. Michael Bisping, They're funny fucking dudes.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Most of those guys are. Most of them. There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy. But I don't mention those guys. Sugar Sean, fucking great, dude. He is fucking awesome. He has the best sense of humor. Dude, Conor, hysterical. Nate Diaz, fucking love Nate. Nick, all of them. But I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And then everyone's like, he does, he does, he does. And they're like, I get a text, can I come to your show? I was like, yeah, of course. DM or something. So I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with all his buddies and comes over and he's like, hey, the machine. And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
He goes, you still want to fucking fight me? And I went... And he goes I just get around I was like oh my god.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, he just works out really hard. He looks so thin here. No, that's not him. Those are different bodies. But he is very thin. Right now he's like 186 pounds. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's really thin. He works out really hard. He does. And he watches everything he eats.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
The healthiest I've seen him look. Jelly is down 130 pounds, and he looks fucking great. And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me. But anyway, we did this as a lark on two bears. Me and Tom said, well, let's do a 5K. Because I've always run. I ran the LA Marathon. I've run half marathons, Tough Mudders, Spartan races. I've done all of them. I enjoy the event. The event for me is fun. 5K is so digestible. I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the Super Bowl.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K. And I've always had stupid ideas, like big tentpole stupid ideas that never pan out. And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it. We called a bunch of celebrities on our, you know, comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed. Barely any of them showed up. But Jelly Roll heard it. And he went on Nelk Boy's podcast and he was like...
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I need to get in shape. And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Bustin' with the Bears. You forget how big he was. And so he said, I'm going to commit to Bert and Tom's Two Bears 5K, and I'm doing my first 5K. And he started training. And I get FaceTimes from him. He's like, I hate this. Does this get any better? I was like, it doesn't. It takes a while before it starts getting better.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
and he did came out like like go to his word came out to la did the 5k with me my i wore a 50 pound weight vest look at how big wow he forget how big he was
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, look at it. By the way, look at fucking Taylor. Look how big Taylor looks.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's crazy that his wife married that and then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink-182.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's what I heard. So Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year, and we did it. I wore a 50-pound weight vest.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He did it last year. He did it last year. He lost like 70 pounds. People Magazine did a big write-up on him. He really kind of... Event ties the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop. And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race. Like, dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife, Leanne, and him. We walked the whole thing. And then as we crossed the line, he was crying, Bunny was crying, Liam was crying, you know I was crying. And Jelly's like, you might have, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
So we're doing it in Tampa May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be such a big fucking event. Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium? We're doing it in the stadium, and then we're partying on the field after. We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas. We've got a rope climb. People are coming out and doing it with y'all? People are doing the 5K.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm going to run the first heat, I'm going to run the second heat, and then I'm going to run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne. And how far is it, seven miles? No, it's three miles. It's so doable. Oh, it is?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them. And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It happened December. It happened January 1st. So it's been a month, and now they're fine. They're fine already? Yeah.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
You're not going to lose your hair. You can always give so much fucking hair. Can I have some? No. I would love some of your hair.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You look like you have a ton of hair right now. That I was shedding. What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs, so then it'll be perfectly peppered.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I love it, dude. Because it's so beautiful that it... I remember the song I lost my virginity to. I remember the song I got my first car to. I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to. I remember the songs for me. Like, I get very emotional listening to music. I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me. I'm crying. And...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing, I'm a song, and I, so he went, and he goes, and he had to stop, he goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that? Like, I cried out loud. But man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played, and I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I've had very, very, I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these. This band is so fucking great. But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me. Because I just, I love music. And I think sometimes, like, I'm good at a podcast, like, if I'm talking to you. Because, I don't know. But sometimes with, like, younger comics, I'm at the best.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Because I don't, like, I don't know. I'm not great, you know. But with musicians, I'm so much, I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are. And I don't know anything about them. And you get to kind of deep dive them. And you've had some great fucking musicians on. I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But you get a lot of access to cool shit. It's a mirage, yeah. That's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is, and I wouldn't say that you like it, but I noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see. You get to go do everything. I look at yours, I'm like... You're at UFC. You're at fucking Jelly Roll Show. You're at Kid Rock Show.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
You're like at the fucking Republican National Convention or whatever the thing, the inauguration. Like I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity. You don't get that if you're just talented. You got to be famous and talented. And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way so that you're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark. Oh, yeah.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
And I was like, that only comes with celebrity. Well, I'm a fan of hers.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Card with Jelly Roll. Oh, Wild Ones.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I texted, I DM'd her one time. I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I just met those dudes Do you know that they got that they said I was talking to the to Dexter and and Fucking slinky. It's not slinky. That's what noodles Dexter noodles, and they said you know that a lot of white supremacists Adopted that song. Oh, yeah, you know another song white supremacist adopted. Oh, oh These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Well, dude, I mean, I think it – I'm sure you've gotten negative feedback in your life and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent. And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were going to see it. And you're like – like if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours and he sees it and then he's like, oh, fuck.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I think that was the – I mean, I think there was a bunch of issues. I think number one is his catalog. His catalog's very big in the culture. In white culture, I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only had, like, two crossover songs. I think he played both of them. But, like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened, and, man, we loved it.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
It was really fun in the stadium. Maybe on TV it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium. The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take. Did you hear his? He was like – because, you know, Kid Rock's, you know –
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud Light. Oh, Bud Light, I'm sorry. But his take was... He did this for the culture. Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful. Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop, in hip hop. And so his take was really kind of insightful. He's like, yeah, we did this for the culture. He did this as representation of like everyone on stage is black. It was all about like inside what they listen to.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude. Here are my take, okay? It's fucking New Orleans. Kind of. Why not celebrate Boozy, Wayne, Master P? Why not the way they did LA? It doesn't have to be black. I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr. sang at the beginning. There's a lot of talent that isn't. New Orleans is like a black music town. Jazz, hip hop. I put juvie.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Bruno Mars is... There's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, top to goddamn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize. Yeah. It is... That guy is... So talented. Justin Timberlake, worth my money. New kids on the block. Bring them back. I would be a cool Super Bowl show.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I said out loud, it should have been Lil Wayne and Juvie and everyone. And then I did a show at the Super Bowl with Nicky, Tony, and Shane. And I didn't even see my critique come back at me. But someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown. They should have performed here. And I went, oh, fuck. I was like, I didn't even think.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I didn't even. But you guys asked me to come do it.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
But one of these days, these boots are going to walk all over you. Jews. Oh. Stomp. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that in the old school. You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos? They didn't do a music video, did they? I don't think so. I haven't seen that if they did. They would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan, and he's like,
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm going to interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know. Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican inauguration? Yeah. For real? Yeah.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. I could do it in five minutes. You want to do it? A buddy. It's part of what I'm working on in therapy. Really? Let people have their own thing. Oh. Yeah. I get my fingers in everything. And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay? And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
You know, I've never thought of you as, I've never thought of you as political. I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life. Like that's, I mean, that's my perspective. Like I didn't, I honestly, I, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope. That's fucking crazy. Like I would go in a heart, I'd go in a fucking heartbeat.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
I went to, I went to George Bush's when I was a kid, I went to George Bush's state of the union. I went to Bill Clinton's state of the union and George Bush's state of the union. No one ever called me on it. Like I was, I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18, whatever the fuck it is.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I went to both. I went to the State of the Union like every time we got a president, my uncle would get me in. Wow. And I just think it's a crazy, wild thing to see democracy working. And like if I got invited to an inauguration or – I mean I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I'm not going to go like, go like, I'm going to get you fans. Right. But like, if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I fucking go.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Well, you should. I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right? Yeah. I'm saying this to hear it. But what you have to realize is the people that love you, love you. And then fuck everyone else. That's the truth, is I'm trying to get to that. The people that love you, love you. And fuck everyone else. Because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text. For sure. In one manner or another. They're bothered by everything good happening in your life. It's a reflection of their shortcomings. And they're like, didn't know you were so MAGA. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And then he'd go to like their fucking, their big barn and they're burning his cross.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
My group doesn't exist. My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey man, uh, you have a problem with your drinking, and I go, I'm doing pretty good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
It's always guys in the system or whatever it's called, and they're like, hey, man, you know you have a drinking problem. I go, okay. I had a guy tell me. I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after. He goes, just because you think you make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have – three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You think that that didn't mean you have a problem? I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that like I got fucking feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me, but like right now we're doing pretty solid. So like I go, I, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system and they were like, uh,
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's gonna show its head up in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction. It's like, you gotta take care of the problem. And if you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Like go like, hey man, like my wife, was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic and then realized, oh no, my parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood. I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top. She did it. My wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then. Doesn't even give a fuck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And I was like, oh, wow, I want to be like that. I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink. Sure. Like last night, had a couple drinks, and then I was like, oh, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow. So I was like, I'm going to go to sleep, watch the documentary on.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix, how do you think they title the World War II movies? Do you think they're like World War II, we were also in it? Mmm cuz like I was watching it left out of all it's like World War two Road to Victory is the one we get What do you think the job cuz they have Japanese Netflix, huh? Almost good. Oh, that's good. So close. Yeah, what were two?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I watched I watched I watched Inglourious Basterds with a German guy. Oh, yeah That's uncomfortable.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it's like watching Django Unchained with a bunch of black guys.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's like, oh, those are really bad guys, man. Yeah.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Special comes out March 18th. March 18th. Yes. And I think it's my best one. Lucky. Because I'm the luckiest man alive. You know, yeah, I might be right about you. Buddy, I am. Think about it. If I pitched me to you. I wouldn't believe it. Right? 25 years old in college. Been in college seven years, roughly. Yeah. No degree. No chances of graduating. No hopes of graduating.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
No real direction in life. Rolling Stone Magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party animal in the country.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And a Bucs fan. Back when the Bucs and the Saints sucked.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
From Florida. From Florida. Before anyone knew what a Florida man was. Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers. All my people in my life off around Florida, man. Rolling Stone Discover Magazine discovered me called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone options the rights of my life. I moved to New York. Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's weird now. But I moved to LA. I get my first TV show on The X Show. I then get another development deal at CBS. I meet the love of my life. I keep working in TV. I get fired. I get on travel channels. I mean – All the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends, you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world. The funniest people in the world. But yet people will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to. Like that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari. Some of them drug me. But like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Do you think that was the first cross-burning? They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side. So, like, let's spread it out. Like, the fire's too centralized. Well, I think that's probably why they burn a cross. It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp. I don't understand. I mean...
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E565 Bert Kreischer
But like you look at your group of friends and your – and there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Yeah. But they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been. And – And I get to do what I love. And for work today, to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker, but I also think, I really believe this, you have to identify your luck.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I mentioned this in the special. You just have to start looking at things as half full, and don't, like, even the bad things go, that needed to happen to me. That had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it, you know? I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through And and then I go thank God like I think I was thinking of it today.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I was I was like I Hate that Theo had to go through you know drugs and alcohol cuz that's so not him and that's never been who I know you knew you to be I never even knew you to party to be dead honest. Yeah, I never saw it. Yeah, and I go but you know I'm so glad he did cuz he's so fucking grounded now like he seems like in I
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E565 Bert Kreischer
such a better place and he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie like those fucking wild stories where you're doing coke with daryl strawberry and fucking the bronx i mean you have all these crazy adventures now but you're so like like i go you just gotta look at it and go that sucked then but that's that's then this is now we're now we're lucky yeah yeah no you got to be here to tell them
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
dude, I mean I I'm Lucky I went to yeah for sure lucky I'm lucky as fuck and I think if I can put luck out there like I'd say I bought like $100 worth of pennies. It's a lot of pennies. Mm-hmm more than you'd think Wild and I just started throwing them around LA just flip them on the ground every time you see a penny You're like, oh shit. Good luck. Yeah, I was like, oh, why not?
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E565 Bert Kreischer
Just give that to people like just a little And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it. And I'm like, fucking, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car. So everyone gets good luck when they get in their car. Fucking copper Johnny Appleseed. Copper Johnny Appleseed.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Oh, that weekend. I'm in Vegas. March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, man. Thanks, man. Like, we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see. It's so, man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics. And you're in that short list. And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nikki.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
When Nikki... Oh, I know Nikki did the Golden Globes. They were in a text thread when you crushed it like But you're in that shortlist you Shane Nikki Tony Hinchcliffe my people in my family knows yeah, and it's man. It's cool when You get a text from your kids. You're like dad. Did you see the fucking what was the Theo what I forget what it was?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They're like have you seen the best of Theo and I was like no and then Georgia sent it to me she's like dad she's
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I think I'm going to go back on tour maybe October. We'll see. We'll see.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
He's done a lot of documentaries. He's done a ton. But he does, like, gossip documentaries, you know?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Hang on, hang on. Let's hang on. Pick that apart. That is fucking hilarious. If they built the cross, it's covered in fucking kerosene. And you see a guy at the bottom. I can't get it. Hang on. It's too windy. Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the comedy store.
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E565 Bert Kreischer
It's like being with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven. Can you climb in and see if you can get it out? You're like, no, fuck no. Well, that's why Jews invented the self-cleaning oven, dude.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
They can't, huh? Well, unless the Jews actually invented the self-cleaning oven, then it's just fucking... That's just factual information.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
You do? I didn't do therapy. I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much, meaning...
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
That's how I did it with both my girls. Then we go to a subtle decline. And we do it that way with feet up the whole way. Then we put the pedals back on and teach him how to pedal. So easy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
two bears Burkast something's burning and tour so every day I'm talking like four hours a day and I was like I just was losing my voice like crazy I was like I can't talk I just don't physically want to talk anymore and then and then when I took time off I was like like second I took time off like my first week I got really depressed so I was like really yeah and
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
But are you able to figure out what that depression is?
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Not being on the go, not having something going, not like, hey, we've got to pack you up, we've got to get you to da-da-da-da. We're going out to Boston, you're doing the thing.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
No, I don't get burned out. What was happening to me was creative. Like creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out. Oh, yeah. And so I was like, I got a – like I got done this last hour. It was premiering on Netflix March 18th. I think 18th. So I'm going to check that. Lucky.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And when I got done doing that hour, I feel like I – you know how when you start a new hour – Scrap everything and then you go to your joke, but you know, I got like 20 minutes, right? I for this special I dumped everything fucking seven-minute stories turned it into a three-minute story.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
I dumped everything I just piled this my first four minutes was initially like ten minutes and I crammed it So I wanted to be good cuz it's like, you know, it's like my sixth special So I don't want people to think I got lazy but then when I got done I was like, you know, I I need to bri need to write and I was like my girls are in college and I'm with Leanne all the time.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
Like, what am I talking about? Like, who am I? What am I going to like? And so I was like, I'm taking time off. But my first week I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just like depressed, looking at people touring, having fun, looking at like. So severely just that fear of missing out. Missing out, man. Like, I just I love the energy.
This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von
E565 Bert Kreischer
And we pulled fully loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing. This summer? This summer. We do Fully Loaded every summer, and it's so fucking fun.