2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mon, 03 Mar 2025
Can’t make the 5K in Tampa? Register for the 2Bears virtual 5K at http://www.2bears5k.com Become a paid channel member of YMH to get 2 Bears, 1 Cave episodes one day early and AD-FREE here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: -Visit https://tonal.com and use promo code BEARS for $200 off your purchase. -Try VIIA! https://viia.co/BEARS and use code BEARS! -Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code BEARS -- just pay $5 shipping. -Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at https://NetSuite.com/BEARS. In this wild episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert Kreischer flies solo—well, almost. He’s joined by the hilarious Chris Distefano for a chaotic, high-energy conversation that somehow covers everything from colon health to Benito Mussolini. Chris introduces Bert to the Yuka app and starts scanning his diet, exposing just how questionable his food choices really are. They dive into couple’s therapy, hair loss in men, and Bert’s “child in flip-flops" fashion sense. The two also get deep on career goals in comedy, grinding in the industry, and the "Luigi Mangione of Serbia". But it wouldn’t be 2 Bears without some unhinged history talk—Bert and Chris go off on a tangent about the history of currency, Bitcoin, the time Nazis packed Madison Square Garden, and the Axis Powers (because, why not?). They also touch on Florence, Italy, young people thinking Democrats are gay, and how their families keep them grounded. Strap in, grab a drink (or a Yuka-approved snack), and enjoy the show! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 278 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:32 - A Colon Conversation 00:06:41 - Fun With The Yuka App 00:18:15 - Couple's Therapy 00:20:56 - Male Pattern Perfection 00:29:40 - Flip-Flops & Comedy Aspirations 00:39:29 - Famous Beef 00:43:08 - Grounded By Family & Bitcoin 00:54:18 - Are You Führer About That? 01:00:32 - The Luigi Mangione Of Serbia 01:03:14 - Florence & Fun Facts About Mussolini 01:09:31 - Comedy Hustling 01:18:26 - Podcasts 01:25:05 - Democrats Are Gay Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Why is colon health important for comedians?
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Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Fuck that, it's history hyenas. We're here.
This is the history hyenas. When was the last time you had milk? Dude, the last time I had just a full glass of milk was probably about a year and a half ago. I just had a full, I had to go get milk for my kids and I just put it in the fridge there and I was just looking at it and I was like, I'm going to drink some milk.
And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk, woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea. Yeah. I mean, ripping it off the backboard of the toilet, like a diarrhea, like a cartoon, you know? And I'm not lactose intolerant, but I think my body was just like, you can't just give me all this milk at once.
It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore.
But I did hear, though, that the—ready for this? They said two reasons why colon cancer is going up in youth. One, increased alcohol consumption. Sorry, Bert.
I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down, and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke.
Please, thank you. Colonoscopy's great. And did you wake up and you weren't hard? No. Me either, dude. Fucking our dads were wrong.
Wait, you got a colonoscopy?
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Chapter 2: How does the Yuka app rate your diet?
And it was, this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years of doing standup that I took off starting in July to now. And I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall, but I've never taken off. Why? Because you're liking the feeling of being off? No. Because you're doing other shit. I don't want her to reset my comedy. I want her to reset everything.
I wanted to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material that didn't go in that special be the beginning of the next special.
You ever think, like, maybe with the reset, instead of taking the shirt off, you'll take the pants off, you'll Winnie the Pooh it? I wish. I wish. That'd be sick, right?
I wish. Like, I... I don't know. I'm going to be litigious if this comes out wrong. Okay. There's a couple comics that don't wear shirts on stage now. It's a good thing. Right. And... friend of mine texted it to me, a friend of ours texted it to me and said, uh, this is insane. Like that this, you're the first person to ever take a shirt off. And now these people are taking their shirt off.
Like, but I didn't read his text. I saw a dude with his shirt off and I clicked it and I go, the fuck is this guy doing? Yeah. I was like, oh my God, how many people do you think see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy? Cause I just did I just did it to him. I was like, this fucking fool with his fucking shirt off. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, what?
And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage? But here's the deal. I am more comfortable shirtless. So you've got to go where you're comfy wanted. Yeah. I'm like, I am doing who I am authentically. Yes. But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like... I don't know.
Well, the thing is, you wouldn't make it to the level you made it if you were inauthentic.
So that's the thing. It's all authenticity. My authenticity was so direct and honest that, I mean, I made a choice to be shirtless on my Showtime special. It was a Showtime special. And they said, you're giving them a reason to change the channel. This when changing the channel was a thing. Showtime said that to you. Look at him now.
She said, legit, can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off? I said, no, you can't cut in between them. And they go, I think this is a big mistake. And it was. It was the lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone changed channel. The second my shirt came off, they said the ratings dropped. Right. Everyone turned it off. Okay. No one thought this was a good idea. Right.
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