Chris Distefano
Appearances
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm so glad you guys are here. Tito Coconut Mix, 17 out of 100, folks. See you fucking later. Get the fuck out. Here, let's do raisins. Everyone's favorite American treat. Let's see fucking raisins. If they didn't have a barcode. This doesn't even have a fucking barcode. Get it out of here. Oh, edamame. The Japanese are healthy. Let's see what the Japanese are doing. Unless it was war work.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Exactly. Japanese, 51 out of 100. It's not bad. 50 and over, and it's good. It says good. It's green. But, dude, can you believe that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I won't read it out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Liquid Death, 100 out of 100, folks. Fuck yeah, let's go. Drink your Liquid Death. It's mountain. Yeah, it's mountain water. It's still drinking water.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, you get the Yuka app, and I'm telling you, but the only thing, don't scan alcohol. You don't want to see the alcohol. As a matter of fact, when you scan the alcohol, it just says, you know what you're doing. That's what it does. It goes, you know what you're doing, and it won't give you a score. For real. Swear to God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Me?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I drink, well, I actually, two weeks ago, I realized, because I'm not usually a big drinker, but two weeks ago, I realized, I just thought back, and I drank 31 days in a row. But not drinking to get drunk. I just had a drink. Yeah, me too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Me too, yeah. But so I've been trying to not drink as much. But I got to be honest with you, babe. Sometimes it's nice to just have a little wine. Yeah. It's nice to have a little fucking tequila. Come on. You know what I mean?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A little vodka. A little vodka. Just a sip. Just a taste.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because it's either that or I eat a fucking muffin. And the Yuka app's going to tell me don't eat the muffin. I'm trying not to drink tonight. Okay. You just literally told me you're going to drink before couples therapy, which is in 50 minutes. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She goes, why wouldn't you? She's a good therapist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A couple of therapy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We got a couple of therapy. It really helped us a lot. It was rocky at first because the couples therapist, after knowing us for a couple of weeks, was like, maybe you guys should, maybe is there an idea of like entertaining a possible open relationship? Is that possible?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went old school. Wilderness. But when I was 35, they gave me one because what happened was I was having an anxiety attack and I took a shit that I felt looked questionable. I felt that I took a questionable shit. And so I took a peek because my mom, since I've been a little kid, she's told me two things and two things only, like on a daily basis. Don't do drugs. Big.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I swear to God, I said, I said, I'm not, no, I don't, I don't want to do that. That's not, you know, at all. And then she's like, okay. But then I said, but just to ask some followup questions, why, What, what does that imply? Let's like, you know what I mean? Like, do you want to, what does that mean? And then, you know, it was just silent.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then when we, as soon as we left that fucking therapy session, I mean, my girl was pissed. She was like, follow up questions. What's the fucking follow up question? And I was like, I don't know, because I just, I think I thought that I got a little nervous about like, okay, one woman for the rest of my life, one woman for the rest of my life. So I just got frantic, but now I'm calm.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now I'm good. And I'm like, this is good. This is good. You want one woman and we got a beautiful family. We got engaged now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right. Honestly, sometimes we didn't even know. And sometimes we were just getting, we were out of control. But now we are fully together. Yeah. We've committed. Yeah, it's just good. I want it to be that way. We got a family. We got our kids. And we've been good. Now we're engaged. And I say wife. I say we're married, but not technically married yet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But Puerto Ricans, they said, as long as you're engaged, you're fucking in. Yeah. That's what it is. So we're going to get married. We're going to do a Puerto Rican style, get married in my backyard. For real. That's how we roll. And so, and so, but it's fun. I like, you know what it is? I feel great being committed to it because then it's like, then it's like you just focus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like you just say, I got my, I got my family. I got my wife. I got, we're going to do my career and we'll, and this is great. And the family's happy and everybody's happy. And I'm like, oh, I was just scared of the commitment. And that's why I was in therapy for years because I couldn't commit to anything. Girls, my career, my fucking care. I just couldn't commit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And it's, and it's exhausting to not commit. It's literally exhausting. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You like that, dude? God, man. What's that like? What? Just to have that much hair. Dude, I just... Well, you know, all my friends are bald, so I just spiked this puppy up. I just did it up, and it's good. And also, I'm scanning my hair products on Yuka. I only use fucking 50, over 100 hair products. Are you serious?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because the creams, all the creams and lotions... You can do, like, lotions on Yuka? Dude, the lotions that you put on your body... Some of these things are one out of a hundred. Some of them are just pure fucking cancer. Some of them are like you literally might as well just move to Chernobyl. It's like you're literally rubbing yourself down with Chernobyl juice. But the Yuka app saves.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm Chrissy Aveeno, dude. Aveeno's good for you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That is not going to get a good score.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dr. Diamond, he sounds like somebody in Trump's cabinet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, buddy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, what I think about men getting plastic surgery is I think we shouldn't do it. Just like I think men should never get paternity leave money. I think a man who goes on paternity leave, I think men who go on paternity leave are- Look at this.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then always before you flush your poop, you look at it and you make sure that your poop looks good. Yes. So I've been looking at my poop since I'm about six years old.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, where's, and it doesn't have a barcode. It doesn't have a barcode? Well, how does, oh, look, it already got Kaludu plum raspberry oil face mist. It just scanned something. It might be the mayonnaise. Yeah, it literally thought, wait, I literally, face mist just popped up. Hold on. It's just scanned it. Hold on. Um, no, I don't know. There's no fucking barcode on it. Wait.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it's high end. It's got high end shit. Biomedic. Hey, you know what? Dr. Diamond's Medicine. Let me write him in. Okay. I'm going to write him in. Hold on.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dr. Diamond's Medicine Plasma. That's what this is called? I think that is. 49 out of 100. So it's poor. It's not bad. It's got phenoxyethanol, which is a moderate risk, which is just a potential allergen. But this one is mostly green. Good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dr. Diamond actually came through. Dr. Diamond actually came through with, I'm surprised by that. Dr. Squatch is the better doctor, they're saying here. Dr. Squatch? They're saying Dr. Squatch is excellent. Dr. Diamond's poor. That's what they're saying.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Squatch is the one you get in Target, but Squatch is the one Joe Rogan uses on his pits. For real. Joe Rogan, when I did the show a couple of weeks ago, me and Giannis went on, his trainers went on, and he told us to smell his pits because he said that he's scentless. And we smelled this Dr. Squatch armpit juice, and it was fucking awesome. So I could see why this is 100. Really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is Rogan pit approved. Dr. Squatch. Yeah. This is good, dude. See, this will go in my ass.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone's going to Turkey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I have to, I try to put my hand down there and no, no, no.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
They will fucking kill Ari in Turkey. That is the enemy of all enemies. I mean, they couldn't think of a worse person.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, yeah. They are actually waiting for fucking Ari to turn him into Turkey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. Dude, Ari's going to be fucking packaged and scanned on the Yuka app after he goes to Turkey. God, I hope somebody kills Ari. He's so great. Just watch him go to hell.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So, so I took a, I took a questionable shit is what a QS is what we call it. And so, and so, and so I have a friend, I have a friend who's a dermatologist, so nothing to do with the colon. Can I send you a pic? Yes. So I said, can I send you a pic? Exactly what I said. And he said, sure. Expecting to see some type of eczema or psoriasis. But I sent him just a nice cold shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It was just comedy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I agree. I see what you mean. Leanne is a rock in the ocean.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
but like what do you think about like if you found out a guy got botox or got collagen in his cheeks here's what here's what whatever you want to do your body your choice whatever you want to do when guys don't start to get botox and it just makes me think you're a little insecure and the thing that scares me the most of any and the person i want to be around i mean the fucking least in my life is an insecure man
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, you're 100 out of 100 on the UCAP.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You won't, no. But I'm talking about a guy who's getting collagen and Botox. It's just weird. It's just because the insecurity of it. It's like, we're guys, dude. We're supposed to eventually just look like our balls, and I just believe that. At the end, you look like your testicle, right? Yeah. That's what it is. You go back to what the creator is of your fucking sack. Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So I don't want to do any plastic surgery like that. I'll put product in my hair. You know, I'll try to look relatively presentable. You know, I'm going on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. My whole offer, it's from Zara. You boy don't fuck around. And so, you know, shout out Zara, dude. I stepped up. Queen Center Mall, shout out Woodhaven Boulevard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And so he said, this is not my expertise. But...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have a style. You do. No shirt, jeans, flip-flops. No shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. You're the only guy. I've said this before. You're the only man who I genuinely like who wears jeans and flip-flops. Most men who wear jeans and flip-flops, I want to walk up to them and say, if you think your wife's not cheating on you, you're mistaken.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's no way she's turned on by seeing your fucking toes, okay?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We, I hate, no, but, but, but the thing is you, I don't know what it is. You're just the guy and everyone's, you just, the way you do it, maybe because it's, you're the opposite of insecure. You're confident with it. And I'm like, that's just Bert being Bert. I mean, you're barefoot. You know what I mean? I'm barefoot right now. You're barefoot right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You make me want to take my shoes and socks off. And I like that. But I don't like a sandal. I don't like it. I don't think it's, I don't, the last thing I want to see is your toes moving.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She's Puerto Rican. So she wants to go to the beach a lot. And I will, I refuse. Yeah, I have sneakers on and I'll take the socks off usually. And I'll just go, I'll fucking, I'll put on slip on Skechers. Like my dad. I'll put on water shoes. The last thing you'd see is my feet, dude. I hate my... It's just gross. For real?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's just... Well, it's just like I'd almost rather... I'd rather literally... For me, it's... If you were like, what's gayer? For real, what's gayer? A man's foot on your... A man's foot on your face or his balls on your nose? I would say his foot on my face. Because the balls on the nose is like, that's just high school getting teabagged. Shout out Coach Curran. But... Camp in 1987.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the sandals, I think it's just so – you're a Florida guy. So in New York, nobody would be wearing jeans and sandals.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, the thing is I'm calling him a friend, but I didn't even know him that well. I had his number because I booked him on ZocDoc a couple of weeks before. And he said, okay. He said, it's not my expertise. He said, but I would agree with you that it does look questionable. Because I said to the doctor, I said, is this a questionable shit?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, the Dominicans do that. That's the difference. When you're a kid, you learn Puerto Ricans will wear sandals with just barefoot and Dominicans throw a sock on and put on a sandal. So I go, if anything, I lean towards Dominican, even though my family's Puerto Rican, but I do have, if I'm going to put on sandals, Dominican style.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
More Puerto Rican. They're the most Puerto Rican. Do they look Puerto Rican? Now my daughters are starting to look real fucking Puerto Rican. For real? Like real deal Puerto Rican, dude. My nine-year-old is fucking just a tattoo on her tit. And so they're starting to look real deal, bro.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what it's been now is I just have a rule. I only go away... two weekends a month max, or sometimes one. If I can make enough money to justify one, then it's just one. So I'm just like, I just, for me, but everybody's different. For me, I'm just like the guy, like, I don't want to be, first of all, I get very uncomfortable leaving the original 13 colonies to begin with. I'm an original 13 guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm big on the founding fathers. I believe in their version of America, which is the fucking original 13, Papi.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, that's what I'm trying to do. I want Chrissy. I want to go back on just the original 13 colony tour. And I like, I don't, I like. Chrissy's the session. Yeah, dude. Chrissy the fucking patriot. And so, and so I, Sons of Liberty Chrissy. So I, I like coming out to California and all these places. I really do. But I just want to be close to my family. It's just how I am. Like, well, I.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Comedy for me, I love doing it. I really do. But I didn't ever, I was never the guy that like knew the history of comedy. I didn't watch any comedy movies. I didn't know. I just started doing it as a goof. I was a physical therapist. I fucking did an open mic at the Maui Taco, but I was a physical therapist, like fully, that was my life. And then I just liked it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right away. And and he said, it does look questionable. So I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist and I said, you know, showed him the pic. And he said, look, I don't know if that's a filter. It could be it could be just the lighting. I really don't know. He goes, but.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then very quickly got on MTV and then shit just started going, going, going. And now it's become like the whole career. And I'm just like been lately questioning like, Do you, is this actually what I want to do though? I don't know if I, I think it is, but I'm like, I don't know. Cause I like, I see guys that fucking love it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I'm just like, I don't know. I don't know that I do. I love it. I like having fun. I'm having fun with you right now, but it's like, do I love it? I don't know. I've never been, I don't know. Like I'm very, very, very, very, very comfortable being in third place. Like I have, I'm when I mean zero, I'm talking about fucking zero out of a hundred on the Yuka app desire to be the best ever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I couldn't fucking care less, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, but look at how big you are now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have two very, very, very specific goals, and I've had them from the beginning. One, my first goal was to have a sitcom about my father, like on the air in my family. So that's in development right now. So God willing, it goes. But that's like a goal that I'm really trying. If this one doesn't work, I'll try again because it's very specific.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is it really?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
For real, for real. Yes, Ron Funch commented nice. Thank you, Ronnie. Appreciate that. And shout out Ron Funch. And Ron Funches. But yeah, I'm doing that. So this is what I... So for me, and it's not about being the GOAT, which I respect Schultz doesn't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's what I mean. But that's the thing for me, is that I couldn't... You want to know my career for real, for real? I'm doing Madison Square Garden and headlining the arena September 11, 2025. September 19th, your boy's doing the Milwaukee Improv. I'm not going to sell it out. And that's just what it is. And so, but in New York, which I've only ever cared about, you know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like you were posting it on Instagram? Yeah, like it was a snap. Is this Seba? Back in my Snapchat days. Is this Lowepro2? Is this Paris? So he says, let's take a look. Let's take a look. And I said, great. So we do it. And then I wake up and he's like, you know what? I'm happy that we took a look. You would have been fine, but you did have two polyps.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You are so, you are such a New York comic. Yeah. You give two fucks about the rest of the country. I don't fucking care. I mean, shout out Milwaukee. Shout out Jeffrey Dahmer. But I literally, I literally. my goal has been, so I've worked up the chain. You know, you do the, the venues, town hall, then the beacon, then radio city, then the theater at MSG. And now they put me on the big one.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And this is to me like how, like making it like the goat, that's what it is to me. For me, it's not about the other stuff. It's, I just want to be big in New York. And so that's my, that's my goal. And, and the tickets are the tickets, you know, we're on sale right now, christycomedy.com. So come see me September 11th, 2025. I have, you know, the September 11th,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
story that i've told that's like my mini mini mini machine kind of it's like the thing that i i'm known for i'm going to tell that at the end and then i got i got special guests coming out and and and we just thought you know we were going to do this anyway but i was like i want to give i was going to give like money till i was going to give like money to like a 9-11 foundation but now what i want to do is i want to just give like 500 tickets to like first responders that's a better move
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So we're going to just do that as opposed to a foundation.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It gets lost in the fucking- I want the first responders. I want the first responders there. Everyone. My class, like, dude, my Montreal, just for laughs, class was fucking nuts. It was like Hasan, Minaj, Michael Che, Sam Morrill, Mark Normand.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fucking brooks wheeling there's like somebody there's other people that i'm like forgetting that are like it was like one of those montreal clients i was like holy shit balls famous famous oh yeah dude shane schultz they know like they know everyone like i was at the laker game with schultz we were sitting next to each other it was great and you know just get recognized you know obviously by everyone but then you know like the coach of the lakers is jj reddick and like they're walking by and like shay just like oh what up schultz and it's just like
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, you're just like friend, like you just know people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's a weird, it's a weird, I mean, but yeah, I mean you, but I guess because you can't see you from the outside. I can't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure. Because, you know, it's, but he's remained who he is, which that's what I love about it. You want to talk about penises, have you ever seen Diplo's dick? No. Pull it up. Are you serious? I mean, you want to talk about a fucking pocket rocket? Really? Whoa. Diplo's penis. Whoa, whoa, wee, wah. No, but there's pictures of his beef. You got to take your fucking safety off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, take the safety off. Filters, filters. His actual hard penis is out there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
His actual hard penis. I used to have it. I used to try to pass it along as dick pics for me.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, this isn't it. Is that it on the upper left, maybe? Is that it? Who's that? Orlando Bloom? Who takes it after they took a piss? Yeah. I don't know. No, that's not it. A lot of dick dicks. Oh, no, it's... Damn it. I wish... I don't have it in my phone anymore. Goddamn, Jasmine started deleting it all. Go to the... The UCAP, it should be on the UCAP.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
His paid stick's 100 out of 100, no additives. Diplo's got a big dick, huh? Diplo's got a nice piece. Now, yeah.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And those polyps could have grown and would have grown. And maybe there would have been cancer, maybe not. You don't know, but we clipped them. So now you should be good for five years. So he said, come back in five years. So I went. Five years?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. After the nighttime, you get chlamydia. You're like, you know what? I don't need to walk this off anymore. Why don't we just retire the good old dick and balls? And then now at least I know when I have a little pain during urination, I said, it's not an STD. It could be cancer, but that's better. At least it's just a fucking prostate cancer. Because that, and I also just felt like,
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is the history hyenas. When was the last time you had milk? Dude, the last time I had just a full glass of milk was probably about a year and a half ago. I just had a full, I had to go get milk for my kids and I just put it in the fridge there and I was just looking at it and I was like, I'm going to drink some milk.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I kind of felt like there's no way I'm going to be able to even make it through this career unless I have some type, like you have your rock in the ocean, Leanne, right? So like I, that's what I have. I have my empanada. I have my empanada in the fryer, Jasmine.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I have my bodega because she's, you know, my little plantano because she, uh, you know, and it's just nice to come home and be like, you know, I have someone who's, who's taking like, like we feel like, um, we feel like, like a good unit. Now I take care of the career stuff and our family, you know, and our family has what they want. And then she takes care of the kids and the house and the home.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then it all works together.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He told me, you got seven years? I had three polyps. You had three polyps and he told you seven years? Why did I get five for two then? I don't know, man. What the fuck? Where did you get yours done? I got mine done in New York. Maybe my clinic was running a deal. Maybe we're doing a promo. Did you put in the promo code? I put in the promo code.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's amazing. Yeah. I do feel like I have a basketball. I do feel like we're like a basketball team and two of my children are black, but I am their father. Yeah. Yes. Is that hers from the other one? No, they're my kids, but they're just turned. They came at two of them came out black.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And we did the DNA test, and it's not – it's pending.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But they are my children. Yeah. Tanisha. Tanisha. And Tarif. God. But, yeah, you know, I – because, you know, the thing is for me is I – you know, we have our three kids. We have a stepson and our two biological daughters, and they – A lot of people get married and have kids, but we had kids and then got married.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it's kind of cool for us because we're like, oh, our kids now will have memories of our wedding, of when we proposed. My kids were involved in it all. So there is a little silver lining of that. A part of me is like, I wish I would have just fucking done this years ago so I wouldn't short sell my house in Staten Island. The thing... That's what I did.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because I thought I wanted, I was like, oh, me, we're not going to work out. So I was like, let's sell our fucking beautiful home with a 2.8% interest rate. But it's really just because I wasn't, I was scared to commit to anything. And now I'm fucking out there, fucking dick in the wind with mortgage rates at 7%. Fucking 20% sold in the pre-sale.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm more responsible with money now than I've ever been. I have an accountant, of course, that I talk to. I talk to my accountant every day. Because I want to have a relationship with him where I'm like, what are we investing in? What are we doing? Because I feel that's my responsibility.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We have a little bit of an old school relationship in the sense of I do the money, the finance, I bring home the bacon, and then she takes care of the home.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I got it diversified. We got some invested. We got some in the cash account. We got some in the kid's 529. We got some in fucking Bitcoin.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Got a little crypto, baby. Woo! Chrissy Crypto. I grabbed those coins like fucking Mario. For real? Yeah. Yes. Dude, I bought a couple of biddies low. I bought a couple of biddies in 2021, son. For real? Yes. So nothing's appreciated like that. I don't go crazy with it. I got a friend who has 100% of his money in Bitcoin.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know who it is, but he has to have the most money in the NFL because of how much it went up. He has to. Now, I don't understand it all, but I don't need to understand it.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wait, what? He bought 750 grand of Bitcoin?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yo, holy schmoly. What is his Bitcoin worth now? What is Odell's Bitcoin worth now? Right there. Oh, I'm sorry. Would be worth about what? How is that? No, it's got to be more worth more than that. Only from 750?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So what was it? What was the cost of one Bitcoin in 2016? Yeah. One BTC. Bitcoin. BTC, baby. 963 bucks.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You would have had... No, no, no. Three Bitcoin. No, you would have had 3,000 Bitcoin. They were basically 963. So you'd have had like a little under 3,000 Bitcoin, right?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You were saying you would have taken... Huh? You'd have three.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, spending $3,000. I'm sorry.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So it's a good investment.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But the people who make the real, real money is when Bitcoin was like 22 cents and they bought like, you know, they put like 10 grand in it. That's when it's nuts.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes. No, well, no, no, no, no, no. Yes. See the meme coins and stuff. I don't know. And I don't really, I don't, I don't fucks with that. Yeah. I just stay standard Bitcoin. And for me, the thing with Bitcoin is yes, I can't explain it. I really can't. I don't know how it is. Some Japanese guy.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Anything from the brain of an Asian is too complex for me. I'm not, I dude, the brain of an Asian.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So anything that comes from that, that's a beautiful brain, like Elon Musk probably has an Asian brain. I would imagine his brain is Asian. I mean, can you believe he's from South Africa?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right. And this is fucker. He's coming out. He's good. And so my thing is like, yes, I can't explain Bitcoin and I don't know how it fluctuates or whatever. But I also really can't explain inflation and why the Federal Reserve decides to do what they do either. So in a way, it's like you can show me all this, you know, trigonometry.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But it's like at the end of the day, it's just somebody saying rates are up because they're up and they're down because they're down there. And it fluctuates like that. So it's the same as Bitcoin. So for me, just because you can't explain it, it's like if I kept asking you questions about U.S. money, eventually you'd be like, I don't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I'm like autistic with history. Like you start asking me because I'm like 1776, 1777. Do you really? I start to go like that. Yeah.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's good. Once JP Morgan and all them are investing hundreds of millions of dollars, it's not going anywhere. I'm not a big proponent. Again, I can't understand. I'm not telling you to put all your money in it. But you can't actually ignore it anymore. You can't. I put a small percentage of my portfolio in that. And I just, it grows.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And my thing is I'm comfortable if it did go to zero, it's a risk. It's a high volatile risk thing that I have. But yeah, I can't explain. Dude, I can't explain anything to you. It's like, you know.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's Bitcoin. Oh, we just believe it. The baseball card right there, the Honus Wagner, baseball cards are mini Bitcoins. By the way, Honus Wagner, I mean, what the face of a Nazi? You want to talk about Nazi head? They all were. If this kid, he would have been hitting the home runs, except the balls were Jews.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I did Bad Friends yesterday and was talking about Madison Square Garden and then we pulled up how the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in 1938. Do you know about that?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But we were just thinking like how funny it was like, you know, like the MC was like, and now welcome to Man U Hitter T, Hitler! It's coming out.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
well you know they were on meth you know like ponzer chocolate like chocolate like that that thing and you know it's a lot you know it's one thing people don't know a lot when i you know i again love a history i love world war ii and colonial america a lot of these german soldiers these nazis you know they were definitely the ss and the bad ones one thousand percent like pieces of shit garbage people a lot of them were good guys well foma yeah
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
She said always make sure you look in the toilet bowl before you flush down your pooper. How does this have to do with fucking milk? Because what happened was I told you I drank milk and I had explosive diarrhea after just one glass of milk, even though I'm not lactose intolerant. Because I honestly think the last time I had milk before that glass is I sucking it straight out of the titty.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So not those guys. No, all those guys were scum. But some of the Nazi army, the German army, they had no choice. They were like, either you join the army right now or we kill you. Oh, yeah. And so they weren't working the concentration camps. They weren't they weren't even maybe some of them were not anti-Semitic at all. They were like, we don't want to do this. But then they gave them like this.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know, like crystal meth basically. Cause they would even give it to the soldiers. They would definitely give it to the SS guards. Then they'd give it to the army. And then, you know, the war ends, the drugs start to go out of your system. You start to have these mental health crises. They would suicide through the roof.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And when they went back to Germany or whatever country they had to join the Nazis from, they were hated and they would be murdered. So it was like, there's a, there's a period of like 10 years after the world war two, like it's really bad for like, quote unquote, innocent German people. That's when my family came here. Oh, for real? Yeah, because I- From Italy? No, most of my ancestry is German.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? To the point where I'm not even sure, because I did the ancestry.com and it said 98% German. So I'm like, was DiStefano a cover name? I don't know if it was a cover. Could you guys have lived in the Alps? Well, here's the thing. When I was a little kid, when I was a little kid, this is true. When I grew up in Ridgewood, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood. Okay.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I, I, when I was a little kid, people, the older people, older German people were still living there. They've died off now, but they would come up to me if I was like seven years old, walking in a store and they'd be like, you know, like, and I'd be like, well, I don't know German, but they thought I was German. Cause my hair, I look like a little fucking German.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then there was a, you do kind of look German. There was a guy who my grandpa, my grandpa is American fought with the Americans in world war two. my grandpa would always have coffee with our neighbor across the street. Great guy, whatever. And he would say they're war buddies. And then he died. My grandpa died. And then his name was Charles.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I remember asking my mom like years later, remember Charles, you know, pops and we used to call my grandpa pops, pops and Charles, whatever. And he's like, yes. And what a beautiful story of those two, huh? You know? And I was like, yeah, I mean, it's great war buddies. Did they fight in like the same platoon? She was like, what do you mean? I was like, like, what do you mean?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like beautiful story? Like they met at the war. Right. And she was like,
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
kind of and i was like what do you mean where did they meet and she was like honey charles was a nazi and i was like what she was like yeah he he came here he fought with the german army and he just lived here and i was like oh i didn't know that uh i was like a totally different story i didn't know that that's why you know he slapped knishes out of my hand
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because like SS, so like there's a documentary, The Devil Next Door, this SS guard. So like those guys, the government still will hunt them down and arrest them. But if you were just like a German soldier that was just like forced to fight in the army, which I guess this guy Charles was, it was like you just fought in the other side and it was... Okay, I guess. But it's interesting.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
A little different.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to say no. I couldn't at all. 9-11 happened, and a lot of kids in my high school joined the Army. There was a lot of patriotism back then, and I literally was online looking at ways to get excluded from the Army. And I swear to God, one of them was if you have psoriatic arthritis –
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
which I was able to mentally convince myself I had and be able to prove in a court of law that I did have to avoid going to the army. So I literally was able, so I'm going to say that I'm going to give you, the answer is no. I think if, you know, like when you watch like movies about like colonial America, I think I'd be the drummer in the back.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'd be that guy, the drummer holding the flags and just get a cannonball to the head immediately.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No way, dude. I couldn't do it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. By the way, I remembered why I brought up colonoscopies because of the milk. I'm sorry. Keep going. Alcohol consumption, what scientists think is alcohol consumption on the rise is causing colon cancer and milk consumption on the low. People are drinking less milk because they think calcium fights against colon cancer and alcohol.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Shout it out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Spell it correctly too, don't fuck around.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, by the way, just real quick, just look at this guy. This guy looks like he's in his mid-60s. He died at 24.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is the Luigi Manzioni of Serbia. Yeah. I mean, listen, here's the thing with the CEO. I don't like it. I don't like a murder in the street at all. But I mean, you know, as well as anybody, I mean, this health care industry, I mean, it's piggish. Dude. It's piggish, dude.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I know. I'd like to give Luigi Manzioni a fucking colonoscopy. I mean, what a hottie with a body. That guy's 100 out of 100 on the Yuka app. I understand an ugly guy killing people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Like Ted Bundy. He could have just fucked him. Gorgeous. Gorgeous man. John Wayne Gacy, I get it. Just get out of here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, look at this kid, dude. Jeffrey Dahmer, understood. Yeah. Understood. Look it. I mean, you know, he's got those lips. Just give him a little kiss. Yeah, I don't know. I just went to Florence, Italy for the first time. You ever go? Yeah. You went?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
To Florence, specifically?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
fights for it alcohol is team colon cancer is it one of the doctors they fucking they fucks with colon cancer i always thought so we so we do they can they tell what causes cancer they they they well listen most likely the reason colon cancer is on the rise because of the additives in the food you know that yuca app dude this app dude go get the yuca app you start scanning shit
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's interesting. Yeah, see, Mussolini's a guy I don't know a lot about. I mean, they hung his body upside down.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
His mistress got murdered. Got murdered. That's what happens. Don't cheat. I think that's very fascinating, yeah, because when I went to Florence, it's a culture I didn't know much about. For real? With a last name like DeStefano? Yeah, but I told you, I'm mostly German, so I don't know.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He is, no, and he told me that his mom was half German, too. But he's culturally Italian. He's culturally Italian, yeah, but I'm just full of Axis blood. I'm all about the Axis powers, dude, and I have a Japanese penis. And, and so, and so, but, but I loved it because, and I couldn't, I was so amazed by the statues.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I mean, everyone would just, you know, obviously the flaccid penis and the balls. And I was just like, this is amazing. And then every statue I noticed was, you know, men. And then if there was a woman, almost exclusively every statue of woman, she's being in the statue. And I'm just like, what is the fucking, what is going on with this?
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And nobody could explain, but I was like, every statue I see in the square, it's like a woman being like hurt and just a flaccid cock above her. Do you think Michelangelo, after he was done sculpting David, because you've seen it, 17 foot tall. I've seen David five times. So that statue's 17 feet tall. He'd have to take three months just on the cock.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, and everyone talks about the front of David, but you know, you've been there. When you walk around the back of David, I mean, this man has a wagon. I mean, what an ass. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What an ass. If that would have had a tattoo of a butterfly on one of the ass cheeks, I would have fucked it in the Uffizi.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I just went to Florence. I literally went to Florence for three days and came right home. Oh, there. This is my friend Don DePetta. Do you know Don, Bert? Of course I do. Yeah, that's Don.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He's got a fresh haircut.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's it, dude. So you just went to Florence? I just went to Florence. We literally... Here's the mistake we made, and here's a little PSA. I'm sure you know this. You travel so much. We left New York at 4.30 p.m. on the flight, and we flew to Paris and then transferred to... Florence, do not take the 4.30 p.m.
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
flight when you're going to Europe because when you start to get tired at normal times, 10 p.m., 10.30, you're landing in Europe and it's 6 o'clock in the morning or 5 o'clock in the morning. And the jet lag, I've never experienced it like that in my life that it almost like ruined our trip because we couldn't – we were missing dinner reservations. We were missing –
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Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know, uh, uh, museum reservations. You got it. The move is either just sacrifice a day and leave at eight o'clock in the morning and fly the whole day. So your body's in regulation or take the 10 30 PM flight and get there at noon. So at least you sleep.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Do you have, like, food here? You have, like, packaged food? Yeah. Bring me a package of some fucking food.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, see, this is what I wanted to bring up, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was going to say, you are at the—and here's what I wanted to—I was going to bring this up before. You have a beautiful part—you're at a beautiful part of your life from the outside looking in right now. It's because now, if you wanted to, you can live this beautiful life that you're living, touring, all that.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Bring your wife, which, you know, because she doesn't have to stay home now with the kids, or she could come because you said the kids are out of the house. Yeah. So they either A, don't want to be around you anyway because they want to hang out with their friends or B, if they do want to come, they can come. They're adults.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's what I hopefully I'm trying to stay alive to get to that point because right now it's very difficult for me to go away for so long when I'm missing my little kids. But when they get older, I'm thinking they could either come with me or they won't want to see me anyway and maybe this burden will be easier because if you could put yourself, remember back to like when you were 40.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When you were 40, how old were your children?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right, so similar to mine, little kids. You probably had more of a, and you weren't at the level yet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So is there a part of you now that you're older that regrets that? Yes. So see, that's what I'm trying to avoid because all my peers that came before me as went to as great heights as you had, they always say, I missed, I missed that part. But you now I think are at the perfect part because now your family can experience this with you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, I have the Yuca app. Just bring me up some packaged food. We're going to start scanning shit, and you're going to start to be horrified at what's in the food.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes, bring those in. Nothing that's a sponsor. Yes, exactly. Leave Liquid Death in the fucking case. Yes, Liquid Death should be good, and anything I've scanned on HelloFresh is amazing. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right, because they weren't putting in as many hours.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You ever think, like, maybe with the reset, instead of taking the shirt off, you'll take the pants off, you'll Winnie the Pooh it? I wish. I wish. That'd be sick, right?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk, woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea. Yeah. I mean, ripping it off the backboard of the toilet, like a diarrhea, like a cartoon, you know? And I'm not lactose intolerant, but I think my body was just like, you can't just give me all this milk at once.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, the thing is, you wouldn't make it to the level you made it if you were inauthentic.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Well, dude, I just did a podcast before, and if they're a sponsor, edit this out, but they was all sponsored by Celsius. I scanned that Celsius, and UKAP told me hell fucking no. For real? They said Celsius is like a 20 out of 100. So wait, what's Yuka? So Yuka, the app, Y-U-K, Yuka, is an app that my girl got, my family, my wife, she's like, we got to start scanning our fucking food.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because you had it on your Berg Kreischer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm selling tickets for the first time. That was the first time ever you started. So you only started selling tickets, so when was that?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And because you had went 10 plus years of never selling out any shows. Not selling.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But do you ever think about that? Like how many years? Like think about yourself in the middle of those 10, 12 years of not selling anything. There must have been times you'd be like, it's just not good. The people don't like it. It's not going to work for me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
43.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But that's good because now you know what it feels like to not have success or you hold on to the success. You don't take it for granted. Right.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. See, see for me, it's like I get, cause I, when I'm home in New York, I'm always working. We're doing the also to like our generation, like the podcast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yep. So we got the Yuka app and she starts scanning shit. And like, for example, you scan Entenmann's donuts, which I know donuts are not healthy. Everybody knows that. But when you scan Entenmann's donuts, a possible score, like spinach gets 100 out of 100. Entenmann's gets a zero out of 100 with 10 additives in there that all cause cancer. The redder the additive, the more it causes cancer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
but then I do one with you and I go it's fun it's just moves because I think too for me I think that's what sometimes the dilemma comes from too is because like you said there was no opportunity other than the comedy clubs for me for my generation it's like the opportunity is more on the internet so it's more on like the podcasting and then we sell the tickets or whatever so I'm like okay here's the balance but when I'm home I'm in New York I'm like I'm doing spots every single night like I love
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I would never stop comedy. I love it. But it's like this dilemma of like, OK, now I look at money as like I try to look at him as like little freedom coupons where it's like, OK, if I go in and God willing, I can sell out and make enough money. Does this buy me enough time where I get now six weekends at home with my kids? You know what I mean? Like, that's the way I look at it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that's what I try to look at.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And by the way, people don't know who you are yet.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You'd be dead in St. Louis. Yeah. You'd be shirtless dead in St.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But now, look, dude, it's fucking awesome. I feel like now is the good, I mean, obviously it's been great years, but now it's like, you know, get the family, get it going, beautiful home.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, no, no. But, but I knew it. No, but see, but, but then there's other things like, like a protein bar. I was just at the, at the coffee fix bagel store in LA yesterday. And I went to go get a protein bar with, with my egg sandwich. And I scanned one protein bar, one flavor, the same protein bar. I scanned one flavor. It got a 30 out of a hundred and the other flavor got an 80 out of a hundred.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
By the way, where's Tom? Tom was supposed to be on. Where the fuck is Tom? This guy just was supposed to be on, and then I get a text at noon that he's not on. What is he, losing weight?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Is he doing it? He's going to Turkey too? Dan Soder calls him hair tits, which is very funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Because he's really bald. Tom is insanely bald. Tom's like chemo bald.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, he should have just come and did the consultation on the show. He doesn't want anyone to know about it. Well, now, well, okay. Well, sorry, Tom. Let me tell you how bad I am with secrets. But what do you mean he doesn't want anyone to know? He's just going to show up one day back on Two Bears with just hair?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And just not talk about it?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Sure. You've been bald for 20 years and now you're just growing it out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, she wasn't. Was there any Puerto Ricans upset? No. Honestly, look, I'm sure there were. Of course there were. I can only speak on my family. My family just doesn't care at all. My mother-in-law had a good point, I thought. She was like... That to me, that same thing, she's like, I get the, you know, the problems with her. She knows Puerto Rico. She was like, I get the joke.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Maybe it wasn't the best joke or the political rally. I get all that. She's like, but the media making a big deal about that. She's like, is the same is the same thing that happened the first time when they made a big deal about Trump saying grab her by the pussy, where she was like me as a woman. You think I haven't heard that from a man?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You think that I don't know that men talk like that all the time? That's not a reason I'm not going to vote. She was like, that's not the reason. That doesn't get me to vote for Hillary. Now you make me want to vote for Trump more. She said it was very, she had that same feeling about, now I'm going to let this white motherfucker on CNN tell me what as a Puerto Rican I should be offended by.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yes.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's bring it in. Oh, shit.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So yeah, that's a good one. So, so, I feel like, um, you know, perception is reality that our, when I was a kid, when I was in my twenties, you had to be like liberal every cut. Like you, you had to be like, if you, everybody was liberal, everybody voted for Obama. Everybody was like in the comedy world, in the college world, whatever. Now it's like reverse.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Now it's like the kids, like my, I have a nephew, he's 17, 18. And he goes, um, I was like, oh, you know, before the election, I was like, who are you going to vote for? And he was like, I don't know. I was like, well, just vote. Like, what do you think? What do you think you're going to do? I was like, I guess for you guys, your generation, because I didn't know.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, you guys are going to go liberal, right? Because he's in college. He was like, no, dude, that's gay. Being a Democrat's gay. And I was like, what? I was like, what do you mean? He goes, isn't that gay? Isn't that the gay one? And I was like, what?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he was like, he was like, I thought that Biden and the Democrats were gay and hated America and Trump and the Republicans were strong and loved America. And I was like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
yeah and I was like wait so why do you think that and he was like and I was like I'm not judging you at all dude I was like what do you think and he was like that's what I think I was like then vote with that I was like vote vote you know for you it's simple you fucking gay or straight gay or straight I was like, so you're voting straight. And so, but it was interesting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I scanned her. She's good. She's 100 out of 100. Easy cheese. Here we go. Cheese whiz. Oh, my God. A two out of 100. Holy shit. Easy cheese pasteurized. Two out of 100. Additives. Five additives. Too high risk. Oh, my God. Look at these fucking sodium phosphate.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, wow, that fucking changed in 50, not every, but by the way, that's not a blank. I know that there's many, many people who feel the reverse at that age. But the perception was very interesting to me. College bros. To hear from a young kid be like, whoa, here's how I knew it was shifting. Last year, okay, I did a show on a fucking USS aircraft carrier.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
5,000 people, okay, in the USS aircraft carrier in San Diego. The government booked me, right? So I do this show and they tell me, do not, do not even speak about, it was President Biden, do not speak about President Biden. Do not obviously disparage America. Don't even say anything about like anti-America's enemies. Just do your comedy. I was like, great. So I'm doing my comedy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The microphone breaks, okay? No mic. 5,000 people outside in San Diego on the water on a fucking aircraft carrier with these kids about to go. These are like the first wave of the arm. They'll go to war, these kids. This is like not National Guard. This is the real deal, motherfuckers. So I go – so I'm like, oh, shit. So it was a gas-powered generator that was powering the audio system.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
So that didn't have any gas in it. So my mic went out. So I'm trying to get through it, and I can't. And there's 5,000 people. I'm trying to scream, whatever. And then the person over there who had told me 10 times, do not say anything about – America, whatever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I knew from knowing contracts, I knew that this was like that forced a major thing where it's like, I'm going to get paid no matter what, because your equipment broke. So you now legally have to pay me. And I knew my agent's going to get that fucking money. So I said, you know what? Fuck it. I said, I got to just get this crowd back on my side. I said, guys, I was like.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I didn't tell them to do this. This just happened organically. And I was like, oh, shit. I go, guys. I was like, fucking microphone broke. And they were like, boo. I was like, yeah. I was like, you know why? I was like, there's no gas in the generator. And they were like, boo. And I was like, you know why? I was like, because we're sending all the money to Ukraine.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And they were like... And then they go... And then out of nowhere, 5,000 of the United States Army start going, fuck Joe Biden. Fuck Joe Biden. And I was like, looking at it, I was like, is this bad? And then I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was like, no, you can't say that. When I counted down, I was like, my family's Puerto Rican.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I started doing fucking Puerto Rican accents trying to get it back. No means yes. No means yes. But they started screaming, fuck Joe Biden. And I was like, wowzers. God. Wow, dude. And I was like, oh shit, it's over.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And I knew it then. And then anytime, like, you know, I was very polite. And again, I'm not, I really am very apolitical. I really, really am. But- There's such a thing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This additive contains phosphorus, a minimal whose current intake exceeds recommendations, have a harmful effect on the kidneys and increased risk of cardiovascular disease. Calcium phosphates could be present in nanoparticles, increased cardiovascular kidneys. I mean, so this one's fucking out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's such like this bubble, at least in New York City and, of course, L.A., where like even the comics and I'm sitting at the comedy show and they were telling me in October that there's no way Trump can win and Biden's going to save this. And I and I just you know, you're polite, but you're just like, dude, if you were on the aircraft carrier with me, you would know it's fucking absolutely.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I'm talking about beyond fucking you could give that a zero out of 100. If I scan that response, you could give us out a full zero. They would say you'd rather eat fucking Quest protein chips. Oh, my God. Yeah. God damn it. It's just like, you got to know. I mean, the comedy club, the comedy clubs really are the first wave. Like, you know, like, you know. Oh, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I knew in 2016 when I was going through Ohio and all this place, you see the Trump flags everywhere. He's going to win. I didn't see them in 2020. You know, I mean, we weren't really on the road, but I didn't hear many people talking about it. So I was like, he might lose. 2024, going back, you know, you do fucking go bananas or whatever. It's like Trump everywhere. You know he's going to win.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
thought this would i was i was like i'm voting for trump and the place went fucking bananas yeah you thought it was gonna go the other way i was like i guess i don't need to say the other part of the joke yeah yeah i don't think they're gonna like that yeah dude i did a gig for the mlb right like the major league baseball it was like a closed event like only the baseball players like active baseball players some hall of famers were in there trump had just won it was trump got elected on tuesday this gig was like thursday right
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
500 people in a room. And I said, I said, here's the thing. I said, folks, you know, again, they told me don't say anything political, be squeaky clean, but it's like, okay, I'm good. I need to be funny here. So whatever. So I said to them, not knowing where it's going to go, but I had ways to go after it. I said, listen, we're in a room right now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We got a lot of millionaires and a lot of Dominicans. I know one thing and one thing only this room voted for Donald Trump and they went fucking nuts. I'm going to just say it. You could edit a big poppy Ortiz. David Ortiz got up and started clapping. I was like, there he is, Big Bobby. He was like, Trump's my boy. We got Dominicans and millionaires. I said, we got Dominicans and millionaires.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This place voted for Donnie T. And they want fucking ape shit. And so it's one of those things where it's like, it's not even about who, I don't care. It's like, you just got to be in reality a little bit. Yeah. Where it's like, you can't tell, you can't be white telling Puerto Rican people how to feel. I know that. I'm with a Puerto Rican woman.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
for 10 years dude it doesn't work so it's like that was the first mistake when i was like shut up let puerto rican people say something but when you hear wolf blitzer being like this is outrageous you know my family was like shut the up whitey oh well you have to go to kimmel i have to go to couples therapy it's amazing same thing buddy i love you dude i love you too i'll kiss you on the lips i would i would kiss you on the lips
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's what it is, baby.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yeah, dude. I love you. I proposed to my girl January 6th. I'm doing comedy September 11th. Fuck it. Hell yeah, dude. America. America, dude.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Amazing. It was so good. I guarantee you, I haven't been home, but I guarantee you that was my three-year-old's exact lunch. But dude, so what I like about the UCAP is they give recommendations. So this cheese whiz can go fuck itself, but then we got what's better. You ready for this? Yeah. How about this? You want a cheese? I'll tell you what cheese.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Get the organic pasta four cheese from organics. 82 out of a hundo. And that's got no additives. All right. Yeah. Let's get which one. Which one do you think is possibly going to be good? Which one out of these do you think is healthy? Quest. Quest. Here we go. Let's fucking see. 16 out of 100. So bad. Dude, let me tell you something.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, the additives are fucking crazy. The sodium's through. Now, I'm saying all this, but also I will tell you, full disclosure, I ate a toasted blueberry muffin with butter on the way here. And there was no barcode, so I couldn't scan it, so I just threw that puppy back. But this has calcium carbonate. This has all these things linked to cancer, linked to heart disease.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let me just give you a recommendation, though. You know what's a better one? You ready for this? You think these protein ones are good? What they're suggesting you eat are the Harvest Frito-Lay chips. Those are 51 out of 100. Because they have no, because they're all about the, like they.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that's what causes problems. Because the calories and you can burn all that shit off.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nerds will be good. Nerds will be healthy. Let's see what nerds are. I guarantee you if nerds even gets one point, I'd be shocked. Nerds is four out of 100. I mean, get these the fuck out of here.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Not bad, but it's got 10 additives. These six of them are high risk that are directly linked to cancer.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
But I did hear, though, that the—ready for this? They said two reasons why colon cancer is going up in youth. One, increased alcohol consumption. Sorry, Bert.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This is a 15 out of 100. Jesus Christ! This is a 15 out of 100.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, let's see light. Come on, tuna fish.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Let's see if tuna's good. Come on, tuna. Tuna's a 90 out of 100, folks. Fuck yeah, Storkist. Fuck yeah, Storkist. Absolutely. Promo code Storkist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Please, thank you. Colonoscopy's great. And did you wake up and you weren't hard? No. Me either, dude. Fucking our dads were wrong.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, I've gotten two. Why, you have colon cancer in your family? No, well, here's what happened is, well, I'm 40, so they say start getting at 40, so I got cleaned. I was 51. 51, but I got cleaned. This last one I did, I didn't even do the propofol. I just said, just shoot her up there.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I think if we still own the house, I think actually selling the house is saving me from the big time wedding because I'm saying to her, I can't spend all our money on the wedding and you have to pick what's more important to you. And she says the house. So that's what it is. So I think that's why it's better.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
You got to stay at the table. You stay at the table. You stay at the table.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Listen, the thing is, I only ever leave the confines of New York City when I have to go work. Okay. If I don't have to work, I don't leave the confines of this great city. Yeah, I mean- And I very rarely like to leave the confines and the laws of this great nation. I don't leave it. What about old school-
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History Hyenas!
Pat Finnegan's going to have a blue button-down shirt with a tie, and it's going to have the Mets logo stitched onto the pocket.
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History Hyenas!
Long Island Royalty, Ohika Castle, and I took an Uber in and out of that place, which most people didn't. Most people showed up in nice cars. I took a fucking Toyota Camry Uber.
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History Hyenas!
Just kidding. When you got to take the money, I'm like, hey, hun, we're going to take the money away from the kids here for this fucking party of one day. One day party. Come on. You're not wrong. Smart. Let's invest in the house.
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History Hyenas!
We're back. We got the kids back. We got everybody. Well, we lost a couple of kids in the divorce, but that's okay. But Yanni, my wife.
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History Hyenas!
We're going to have a battle of the patriots. Well, the sex is better than ever because Yanni, my wife, lost the weight. Yanni's weighing in at 196 now. It's the first time I see my lady. First time I see my lady under two hundo pairs.
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History Hyenas!
I'll tell you what. The best piece of furniture I got in my whole goddamn house is from Bob's Discount. Good shit. Shout out Bob's.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, I got that, but then I also got a, we use it as our liquor cabinet now, but it's from Bob's. We put the wine in there. We put the nice liquor in there. You got a liquor cabinet? You got a little bar set up at the house?
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History Hyenas!
Yeah. He said, I fell down the stairs and I got hit right in the cirrhosis of the liver.
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History Hyenas!
I remember. I'm texting you. I'm texting Kippy for 20 minutes. We're talking about shit. He goes, what are you doing right now? Wherever I am, I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm in the hospital. I said, what? We've been talking for 20 minutes.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, I mean, literally. That could be two years with you. Nice apartment in Bay Ridge, though. Thank you. 6802 Ridge Boulevard, apartment 2K. Yeah. That's what it was. Nice area. Fucking go-hards. Take a knock on the door. Show it to nice people.
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History Hyenas!
I mean, I'm just, the thing is with me. You can always tell by his tit. He said he's not going to the garage. Yeah, but I've been still working out, though. Yeah, he looks good. He's fucking jacked right now. I do push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups every single day. In the house? In the house. I do it every single day. I put a pull-up bar on my stepson's bedroom.
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History Hyenas!
So I'll go in there at 5.30 in the morning, and I'll just do pull-ups, and then if he wakes up, he wakes up. If not, I just keep fucking going. Sometimes I wake him up with a fart. Wait, is it in the doorway? It's in the doorway in his bedroom. It's the only doorway that fits because it's a fucking beaten down piece of shithouse.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah. I try to encourage him to get up and make his bed and do pull-ups with me, but he won't do it. He just tries to sleep. But I bang out my 50 pull-ups. Then I go. You do 50 pull-ups? Not in a row. Five sets of 10.
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History Hyenas!
And then I go into— You would have to be the strongest man in the world. I do the pull-ups in his room. This is 530 in the morning. I go in his room. First thing, I knock out the pull-ups. Then I go downstairs in the living room. I bang out my push-ups. Then I go—I have a back room. I go and do my—I got a mat set up there. I do my sit-ups.
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History Hyenas!
That's what I do, and I try to get that—bang that all out by 615. Then we start making coffee. One kid starts waking up. We start making dinner. I mean, we start making breakfast, heating up the milks for the baby. Who wants a fucking tuna fish sandwich? We start doing shit. Sure. Yeah. There they go.
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History Hyenas!
Unless I got late, late, late spots, I typically go to bed.
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History Hyenas!
No, I'm saying, like, if I'm on the road and the show starts at 1030, the headliner's not going on until 1115. I might not get back to the room till 1 o'clock in the morning. But if I'm home in the city, I almost am never awake past 11 p.m.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah. But when I do theaters, if it's one show, 7. If we get lucky enough where we add tickets, 5 p.m. Comedy clubs? You don't go late. No. Comedy clubs? No. Because they're, you know, comedy clubs got the mailing list. They're a bit easier to sell. Five and seven on a Saturday. On Fridays, I got to eat and do the night.
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History Hyenas!
Because then guess what? At the comedy club or the theater, I'm out by 830. Now I can go have a nice dinner in San Francisco like a fucking human being. He's taking the power back. You know what I mean? He's taking the power back. Pioneer. That's what it is. You guys voted for it. You made the right choice this November.
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History Hyenas!
Ozempic. It's just everyone. What are you on? You're doing it?
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History Hyenas!
You're doing dinner, going to bed. When I text the comedy clubs, when we have to text our availability, I'll say I'm available Thursday before 10, Wednesday before 9. I don't give them a time. I just say before this. So I don't care how many spots you give me, but I'm not going after 9. So you can do that. I probably wouldn't get a call back. No, you can't. I get the 150s.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, and then you say, no, I'm just on repressed childhood memories.
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History Hyenas!
But, you know, you could. You just got to start the day early. No, well, here's the thing. You can, but it's always everything in life is one step back, two forward. So when I first did it, I got penalized a little bit. Oh, yeah. But I just fucking ate it, and I stayed afloat. I kept it going.
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History Hyenas!
And then let me remind you of the greatest quote of all time by Winston Churchill that Giannis and I have said many times. Get those krauts. Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts. Right. I love it. So that's what you do. Hear that, punk? It's a good one. You piece of shit. It's a good one. You rich motherfucker. Let another real estate agent fire me.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, he's like, what? Don't you guys just buy cash? What's the mortgage rate?
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History Hyenas!
I mean, look at how comfortable he is. He's got no shoes on.
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History Hyenas!
Where'd you grow up? What city? Connecticut. Oh! Greenwich? I was born there. Yes. Oh, Greenwich, man.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, and it doesn't matter where you live. It doesn't matter where you live at all. It could be Westchester. It could be all, but you're upstate. You're upstate? The kid lives upstate. Yeah. Yeah.
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History Hyenas!
That's a backyard thing. You should not do that in the front yard. Why?
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History Hyenas!
You can't let other people see that. We don't want to see you hosing down, giving your kids a bath in front of your house.
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History Hyenas!
That's all backyard shit. Backyard shit. I knew that.
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History Hyenas!
You're going to get back to Queens. Yeah. They already have meetings. They're like, there's a Greek living on the block now, so just be careful around there.
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History Hyenas!
The suburbs is an American invention, too. Like most other countries, they don't have that. Everyone lives proximity to the city, whatever. But the suburbs, this is America, baby. Long Island, first suburbs, right? Yeah. Even owning a home. Like how we all say, oh, we got to own your rent or your fucking got a mortgage. Like in England, they're like, well, I don't know why you would own.
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History Hyenas!
You can own, but they're like, this is not a goal of theirs. It's not the dream. They're like, we're fine renting. CQ doesn't own.
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History Hyenas!
Why don't we raise the ceiling a little bit? Raise the roof. Wait, hold on. That doesn't make any sense.
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History Hyenas!
So what you're going to see in a couple of weeks is a little thing we call a for sale sign. Or a privacy fix.
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History Hyenas!
Not bad. Not bad. How many – you come in, what, three days a week for this? Yeah, three, four times on the road schedule. I mean, people could do that. I mean, people do that every day.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, you're probably not. Well, you can. By the way, it's not going to stop at one. No. It's probably going to be two, three. I mean, you could use it as a place to cheat on your wife with.
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History Hyenas!
Take it somewhere nice. Take it like a Candlewood Suites or something nice.
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History Hyenas!
Right. Is it connected to the house or a detached garage?
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History Hyenas!
How about this? Sorry to cut you off because you just made me think of it. Two weeks ago, I had to take my little daughter right to the doctor because my nine-year-old daughter, the cup that we use for the salt for the ice, she filled it up with water and gave it to my fucking daughter. She had to drink all the rock salt. But it's fine, though. But it actually doesn't do anything to you.
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History Hyenas!
It's underneath. You're on a hill. I'm not interested. He's on a hill.
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History Hyenas!
So if the kid's at home, I mean, you should go to the doctor. But the doctor said it's actually not that big of a deal. It's good to know.
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History Hyenas!
He's like, you know, people that got stuff in the front of the house, next thing you know, they got fucking goats. They're throwing on wigs, making believe they're transsexuals. That's it.
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History Hyenas!
I didn't pull the right permits for that. A above-ground pool on the side of the house? The side that has a nice neighborhood. You almost never see that. That's rough.
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History Hyenas!
Your property tax goes up. I looked at a house in Dobbs Ferry, New York. Really nice area. I looked at a house, and the house was cheap. Right? And they said, oh, this house has got a very cool feature, believe it or not. It's got an in-ground pool. It's got an indoor pool. I like that. I said, what the fuck? An indoor pool at that price? There it is. There it is. Sorry about that.
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History Hyenas!
That's where they killed Joe Pesci. Right there. Throw him down. Yeah. Yeah. I just, I'm not interested in a house. For me, the garage. You're renting again. I'm renting again.
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History Hyenas!
I did an indoor pool. I said, wow, unbelievable. Looking at this, I'm saying, you know, obviously you don't need something like that. That's probably like a hazard for the kids. But, you know, I'm starting to say, man, well, what an awesome thing. Jump in a pool in the morning. Like this is a house. If the price was so low that it was getting people look. And then I said, what's the catch?
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History Hyenas!
It goes, well, it's not a catch. It's just because it's an indoor pool, the taxes went up a little bit. And I said, okay, so yeah, so the tax goes, yeah, it's a little bit higher. I said, what is it? He said $88,000. Holy shit. A year? A year. I said, excuse me? He said it's $88,000. I said, why? He said, because you got the indoor pool.
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History Hyenas!
Yes. Holy shit. So that's where you start. So obviously that's why the price of the house was so low. And then as soon as they tell you the truth, everybody just goes the other way. Obviously that makes sense now because you can't have a high-priced house and taxes like that for normal people. What if you drain it and make it a little skate park? That's what I said.
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History Hyenas!
I said could there be a fucking – A ball pit. What if I take it out and it's not an in-ground pool? I'm going to make it a podcast studio. And he said, you have to talk to the city, the town, and all that. I was like, I'm not doing any of that. But the pools cause a big tax thing.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, he said like a guy from the 60s who was a music producer in the 60s. It was like an old school, vintage kind of house.
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History Hyenas!
Even if I could afford it, I would never want an indoor pool in my house. I don't want that. Yeah.
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History Hyenas!
Or just put it in the front yard. And salt water pool. My friend who's a doctor came over when I was living on Staten Island. We were living on Staten Island. I had everyone over in the house. We made it a salt. That's another thing we did. We converted from chlorine to salt water and then salted it.
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History Hyenas!
mistakes we had a beautiful salt water pool it's insane what i did but we have a we had a salt water pool and um and so i was there my friend who's a doctor was over there with his kids we're going to pool all day and then he texts me goes hey by the way is your pool salt water or chlorine i said oh it's salt water why i said you okay and he goes yeah he goes now me or the kids don't have to take a bath tonight and i was like what do you mean and he goes salt water natural skin you don't naturally base the skin you don't have to take a bath
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History Hyenas!
So that's a little tip from an actual medical doctor.
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History Hyenas!
He's a secretary of the city on date. That's what you hear somebody say. So we're good for the week then. He drives an ambulance.
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History Hyenas!
I said, listen, the mortgage rates are the lowest they've ever been in history. I bought during that time. I said, let me wait till they triple, then I'm going to sell. And you did. That's what I did. And that's what I did because I like a little bit of the chaos, and it's a regrettable decision.
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History Hyenas!
Inside. If I'm walking on the street and my girl's on the outside... I know this now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I would just pick up she's angry. And then it would be because, you know, she's on the outside and I'm on the inside. And she would be like, you're not protecting me. So you got to be on the girl has to be on the inside. Guy has to be on the outside.
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History Hyenas!
I just do it secondhand nature now. You'll do the switch.
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History Hyenas!
I say I go in, I let her in first. She goes in first.
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History Hyenas!
But I will tell you this is I've been trying to look at a couple of houses again, and anyone on Zillow, anyone listening to me, any real estate agents that I may or may not hire because I'm always firing them and hiring them, I'm not looking for houses with detached garages. I need the garage attached to the house because that's where I put the gym. I don't pull my car into the garage.
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History Hyenas!
I go, I let her in first. I tip the guy. I tip the maitre d' led in Puerto Rico. Sorry for the noise. Sorry. It's going to be a little louder in here. You guys allow boom boxes in here? Yeah, usually I go in first because she's tying up the pit bull outside the restaurant. I go in first. I'm sorry, I let her in first, but then what I do is I scurry past her. I catch up.
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History Hyenas!
So I let her go in first, and then I sprint to the thing, and I say party of two for DiStefano. Okay. Well, actually, in my case, usually when we go out, it's party of 19 for DiStefano. For Rodriguez. It's me and her entire family. Are you picking up the check?
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History Hyenas!
I mean, I can't tell you. There hasn't been a time where anyone else has even ever reached for their wallet. It's like they don't have arms. Real alligator arms type shit? No, no, no. They're actually great people. What if it pulls out your wallet? No, you know what it is? Because a lot of times when I go out with her family, it's amazing. They're awesome. We go to Spanish restaurants.
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History Hyenas!
They don't fucking beat you over the head, Spanish restaurants. Not our chief. I could take our whole family on a party at 10, and they usually order for the table. Her mom's great. She orders for the table. They know how to, like... You know, really like everybody eats well and they order big things. So I'm only paying a couple hundred bucks for a party of 10. It's not bad.
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History Hyenas!
I would assume her mom's probably pretty fire in the kitchen. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. It's literally unbelievable. I remember for a while my stepson wasn't eating meat. Like he just he didn't want to eat meat, something with animals, whatever. And so he would come out, you know, when she would come over and like watch the kids, she would slip meat into his rice and he would have no idea.
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History Hyenas!
I was like, you know, like literally you're like breaking like a moral practice. She was like, he needs to get protein. He ain't wrong. Yeah.
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History Hyenas!
There's always something simmering. Really? When her mom's there, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. There's always cooking. And what it is, too, you know what it is about her, too? Her mom's very old school. And it's just like a generational thing. It's just because, like, I'm the man and I'm, you know, yes, I work. I mean, we do comedy. Fucking running around. She'll always, I walk in. I do comedy.
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History Hyenas!
I walk in, she'll say, oh, hi, sweetie. I'll say hi, and she goes... Every time, she goes, there's a plate for you in the oven. She puts the plate in the oven, and it's just there. There's, like, warm food for me. Doesn't matter how hungry I am. If she's awake and in there, she's, oh, I put a plate for you in the oven. Or in the microwave. It's there. It's my heaven. It's what it is.
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History Hyenas!
Not only that, and then they wanted her and tell him what they wanted.
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History Hyenas!
He signed her ashtray. Is that classy? Oh, God. And she still has it. She has an ashtray that's signed by Maurice that she won't dump it.
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History Hyenas!
I put my gym equipment in the garage, and I leave the car outside the garage, and I just wipe the fucking snow off like an American.
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History Hyenas!
Is there anything? What's the meaning behind the ashtray? She uses it a lot. She uses it a lot, and she just wanted him to sign the ashtray, and he did. I mean, that's bonkers. Yeah, I love it.
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History Hyenas!
That's a very New York thing. Yeah, I'll say that. I'll say, you know, obviously if it's Pete's regular slice, I'll just say, can I get a regular? That's it. Not a fucking plain slice with cheese or anything.
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History Hyenas!
We wouldn't say that. Nobody would say slice a plain. You'd say regular. I would say just give me a regular. Give me a regular or give me a Sicilian, which is, you know, one of the square ones. And then if... If it's a pepperoni, say pepperoni. But then sometimes they have, like, these mystery slices. I'll just say, give me one of those.
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History Hyenas!
I mean, I like a corner because I'm a respectable human being. Give me a corner. What the fuck are we doing? But I respect it.
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History Hyenas!
Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. I mean, we're going to get pizza on the walk.
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History Hyenas!
Nobody eats pizza like this guy. I've seen him eat eight, nine in a sitting easy. It just makes me hungry.
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History Hyenas!
I made a few bucks on the house. If you consider breaking even, make it a few bucks. Well, I was going to say, if you consider making a few bucks. Which I do. Right. If you consider making a few bucks, meaning $4, then yes. Because I completely renovated the entire kitchen and bathrooms, and then I sold it a month later.
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History Hyenas!
I'll tell you what, one of the biggest honors of my entire life, especially a kid from Queens. There's a restaurant in Queens on Metropolitan Avenue called D's Pizza. Shout out D's Pizza on Metro. One of the best, I think the best food in the neighborhood. They named the pizza after me. The Chrissy D's. It was literally like, that's when you feel like, okay, I'm doing something.
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History Hyenas!
They'll have that last supper of all of them drawn together. It's like Scarface. Maybe if the best pizzeria on Staten Island wasn't named Goodfellas, that's literally what it's called.
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History Hyenas!
You know we're not all into moms. The fake bullet holes behind your head at Uncle Vinny's. This guy's serving penny vodka that he's making in the back to the customers like it's his Nona's house.
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History Hyenas!
It's also communal space, and we all grow up in apartments. I also can't trust that the people in the apartments aren't going to take a swipe of my shoe. They're probably not going to steal them outside my door in the suburbs, but they might steal them outside my apartment because we haven't made it yet. We're living in the apartment still.
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History Hyenas!
overnight till the morning that's all you get yeah i see people with with open umbrellas out in front of it and i'm like that's dry that's a goochers oh that's another thing my girl won't she've walked out of two houses that work perfect because they didn't have coat closets as soon as you open the door she's like i'm not putting i'm not going to live in a house where i have to walk down the hallway to the coat closet i respect that yeah she's like because the kids are gonna the house can be messed i'm gonna get angry there's not enough room to even build a coat closet we can't buy this house
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History Hyenas!
No, I did do that as well. Yes. And then he turned his pool into a coin pot.
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History Hyenas!
I tried to put up a little fucking shed inside the house. You won't have that either.
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History Hyenas!
How about this? My neighbor across the hallway from me in the apartment used to live in 6802 Ridge Boulevard. They used to leave their bicycle outside their door.
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History Hyenas!
I didn't care, but the super would get angry. We'd get these passive-aggressive emails. Do not leave your bicycle out. The fire department will give us tickets.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah. That was his Asian accent. Yeah, he was from New Jersey.
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History Hyenas!
until you got to give it up good question chrissy or is there a time limit dude you get 30 set or what what is it this is gonna be a tough question for him i know him well i mean he's probably the best parallel parker i've ever fucking there's nothing in my crazy there's nothing it's fucking quick parks do you know how like it's like wayne grant that's the autism i'm doing he's working the angle bro i'm doing it i'm doing the arenas in parallel parking lots
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History Hyenas!
Literally, I'm talking about my blood pressure is the lowest it is all day. He's three-move Chrissy. Really?
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History Hyenas!
And then the beautiful Palestinian family that bought it. They are enjoying a nice new home.
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History Hyenas!
Righty and lefty, too. It doesn't matter. Play both sides of the ball.
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History Hyenas!
I think just growing up on, you know, streets that were from fucking colonial America in Ridgewood that narrow, and I was just able to do it. And I never, I just know the angles. I'm very good at spatial recognition. I know exactly how many to the centimeter what I have before I hit the car behind me or in front of me. I can do it with cameras and No cameras. Turn around. Not turn around.
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History Hyenas!
I could do it. I don't. Yes, that's right. I don't rely on the cameras. You're more of a feel guy. He feels it.
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History Hyenas!
Well, that's what I said. I said, you know, that's the one way I'm helping with the war here. You know, as I gave the Palestinians a home on Staten Island. And then but I also, you know, I got with a two foot pool. I gave the Palestinians my house and I gave the my Jewish accountant the money. There you go. So I help both sides.
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History Hyenas!
It's easy for me. I just eyeball, side mirror to side mirror. That's where you start, and then you start cutting the wheel when the crease in between the front door and the back door, that little, you know, basically where the car gets split in two, that's when you start hitting the wheel. Yeah, that's what it is. It works like a charm. To answer your question for me.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, it looks like a fireman's wife's car. And the way he would park, I was like, this is like a wife of a fireman's. Like somebody's like, Colleen, it's Colleen. Go around. What the fuck is wrong with you? Eddie's probably at the firehouse. Let Colleen fight me. It's Yanni.
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History Hyenas!
You know what I do? You know what I hate? And even though I have, you know, I'm good at, but I hate when, like, an old-timer guy, you'll be parallel parking in a tight spot, and they stop and start looking at you, start looking at the car and watching you. Caught it, caught it. I'm like, come on, dude. I don't know what fucking audience. You get these tickets on StubHub?
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History Hyenas!
You know what's another thing I know, too? I know when someone's trying to – if I'm looking for a spot and someone else gets the spot, I'll know off the first cut of the wheel if they're going to get it. And then even furthermore, I know that they're not going to try again. So sometimes I'll know this guy's going to get it, but sometimes I can tell off how bad that first cut was.
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History Hyenas!
They have, I mean, a 5% or less chance of attempting again, and then I swoop in.
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History Hyenas!
I love that your car got stolen by probably one of the fans of the show.
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History Hyenas!
Yeah, and I don't know why his face isn't on chocolate drink bottles and they're calling him Netanyahu. I don't know why they're not doing that because every time I hear that guy's name, it makes me think of a fucking yoo-hoo, and I think they should combine the marketing. Yeah, and there's no milk in that. There isn't. No. That's dairy-free, Ulu. Dairy-free. Big fan.
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History Hyenas!
We almost did it in Bay Ridge. Remember we saw that guy screaming at his girlfriend? The whole neighborhood started to descend on this kid, but then she, the girl, told us to get away. I had that happen as well.
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History Hyenas!
What's the only fans, honey? I'll see you on A&E. Yeah. It's bad. But that's how fucking crazy the abuse can get. Oh, no.
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History Hyenas!
For me, I'm going to go mushroom cheeseburger. Sautéed mushroom cheeseburger. That's crazy. Ready for this? Sautéed mushroom cheeseburger with disco fries.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
We were speaking about the Yuka app before. This app, it's not a sponsor. I don't have anything. I would love for them to get involved, but you start scanning different foods on this app. It's called Yuka, Y-U-K-A, and you start seeing the chemicals. Every food gets a score. Like this right here. Here. Let me do this. Let's scan these puppies. Jesus Christ.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Disco fries. And then probably if I'm really, you know, I'll get, you know, depending on the Yuka app. Well, now with the Yuka app, I probably won't get a Diet Coke. I'll probably go with a seltzer with a lime. But then I'll also get a diner cheesecake. I love a diner cheesecake. I'll get that. That's usually the big time order.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Sautéed mushroom cheeseburger, baby. Sautéed. It's great.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Yeah, sautéed mushrooms. Love it. Is that only a late night move or will you get that a lot? That's typically what I'll get or I'll get a tuna melt. Or I'll get a patty melt. I like melts.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I will do it. For me, it's the same principle. That's the same reason why I don't like the speeding cameras because you got to catch me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
You got to catch me. You got to catch the spot. You can't have hold and helpers. Then you know what? Then I'll fucking sit out there all day and nobody will park on this block.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
It's bullshit, dude. The whole thing's got pussified. You gotta... I want you to fucking speak.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
The other day... The other day... OJ Simpson. Yeah, the other day I was parked illegally. The traffic cop was coming around, and I walked. We got there at the same time. I said, did you clip me? He said, I just scanned you. I said, hey, it's what it is. I fucking did the crime. I'll do the time. And then he was like. You put your hands out. He was like, I'm sorry.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
But he said to me, he's like, there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry. I said, give me the ticket, $55. Give me the ticket. I have no problem with it. If I got caught, as long as you caught me. I'm parked here illegally. It's no problem.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Danish butter cookies, 24 out of 100, folks. Is that good or bad? Bad. It's red. Bad. Additives. It's got additives. It's got saturated fat. It's got calories. It's got sugar. It's got calories.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I tell one of the greatest repeat offenders of all time is our good friend Joe DeRosa. I mean, Joe DeRosa was living in prison in the summer of 2021.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Not probably now, not in an Uber. Sure. Because they have more of my information. They're all cammed up, too. But a taxi cab, yeah. I've gotten blowies back there. I fingered back there. I've gotten a couple of blowies and a couple of fingers. And one time I was getting a blowie and I saw the cabbie looking in the rear view mirror. I said, this fucking guy probably just got to this country.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
It's a blow in the back. It is an American. It's like a 4th of July hot dog because you're not going down on a girl in the back. You don't do that. But a blow in the back, very easy. Just suck my stick. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Somebody get RFK out of here. Well, Foley. These guys coming after Wendy's. But here's what I like. It's an American institution. Right, but here's what I like about this app is if it just told me the food's bad, I'd say, thank you. How's it fucking help me? This food gives you recommendations. Alternative? Alternative. So Royal Dance Danish Butter Cookies, get a 24 out of 100.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
That's when I FaceTime my family before I take off. I'm on FaceTime with them. You are half Puerto Rican at this point.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Right. For me, I say no, I FaceTime with the fam. That's what I do. I respect that. I do that, but with earphones. Always with earphones.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I mean, planes that, you know, thank God you don't see that too much anymore with the people clapping. Well, I think it's back now. I was just going to bring it up. I flew from Florida, Fort Lauderdale yesterday, and we had a relatively rough landing. But I've been on those before. But, like, the plane slammed down. And this is the second flight that I've been on where the pilot –
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
While we're landing, it's talking to the passengers saying everything's going to be okay. I understand that it's a little rocky. We might have a harsh landing. So I'm like, oh, wow, this is because of these recent incidents. Because it's like it's two in the last two weeks. The pilot, as we're landing, is talking the entire time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
And my flight going out to Fort Lauderdale, our pilot was a woman and a guy got off the plane. Get out of here. I swear to God he walked off. And he said, oh, I'm actually going to get off the plane. And the lady was like, would you like to see me? I'm just not going to take this flight.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
A land and takeoff is not fun. That's not fun. I did that once, and it was... I've been on that once. It's horrible. It's horrible, but that then... Actually, I'm sorry it happened twice. Once, the pilot talked to us the whole way, which is great. The second time, nobody said anything. So that was very, very nerve-wracking. Because you're like, did we get fucking hijacked? Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
You're good to go. I won't even know. Yeah. Yeah, planes are definitely scaring out. But they say when you look into them that there were more incidents last year. The media is just covering more of them. I'm like, well, actually, yes, but it's also a plane fucking crashed in Washington, D.C. So that didn't happen last year. Sure, plane crash in Philly? Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
But for 72 out of 100, which is good, good, good, you can get T-Rusk whole wheat crispy cookies.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Thank you so much. Hulu, it's just unfortunate. Go to christycomedy.com and then Madison Square Garden, September 11th. Hey, all I'm going to say is just come to that building. I'm not sure where the show is actually going to be. I know it's going to be in that building. It will be on that address. Could be upstairs or downstairs. Depends if the tickets start to cook a little bit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I need the help. That's why we call him Yanni almost. Fuck. Yachty, always fucking almost.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Or sugar-free fiber biscuits for 66 out of 100. How are those only 66?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Riboflavins with a flavor. Or you can get Avencol. I don't know what that is. That's a 66. My cousin had that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
We put that on some blankets. Or Matilde Vincenzi lady fingers don't seem so bad, and that's a 51. They should call that app no fun.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I'll scan this fucking water right now. Natural water feeds you 100 out of 100, folks. That's just from the sink, though. We filled them up. This is all good. But get the Yuka app. It's healthy. This kid's mom uses it, and she's a CEO.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
We got in the wall air conditioners. We take them in. I got the air conditioner. I got to lift the window up and put the AC unit in. I got no central AC.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I respect that. Yeah, so I need an AC that I got to put in the window. You got to plug in.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Yeah, I got to be honest with you. My house in Staten Island was too fancy. I didn't have any lights that I could put a string on and pull down. So I was like, I need to pull these fucking lights. I'm going to pull the lights out of the ceiling. So I need that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
But I do need now the one amenity that I'm looking for is I want the garage attached to the house because I got my gym equipment right now in my detached garage in my house. And even though it's just a five-foot walk, I never use the gym. It's got to be attached to the house.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
If it's attached to the house, I use it. If it's not attached to the house, I don't use it. That shit could be in my bedroom. That's Foley-level denial, and I respect it. You got all that equipment out there in the garage? Yeah, and I won't freaking use it. And I should. I should, but if it's attached to the house, I use it. And I make up the excuse that I got kids.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I can't be not in the same physical space as them if nobody's watching them. But if the garage is attached to the house, I say to the kids, hey, sit there. put on Netflix, put on the cartoons. Daddy's going to do his pull-ups and hit the weights. You can still yell in, tell him to start a sauce. Yeah, I could stand there and say, hey, get off the couch, stop hitting your sister.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
We're taking it. I've never had it. We can't guarantee you can smell calzones when you come outside in the morning. Here's the thing, and I've been told by two different people. This is the first time they did this ever in their careers, and they both did it to me. I've been dropped by two real estate agents. Oh. Real estate agents never drop anybody.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I mean, you find these people on Zillow, and I've been dropped by two of them. How does that breakup call go? They say, we saw the most recent one. They were looking at houses in Westchester. I was trying to get out to the Burbs. They showed us 12 houses that all could have worked, and we said no to all of them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
All over the map. And then the agent on the 12th one said, listen, if this one doesn't work for you.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I totally understand. But I'm not the guy. I can't help you. Find someone else or find a different location. But I'm wasting too much time now. Because I'm coming out here and I've shown you multiple homes that would work. And you're finding reasons. I want you to talk to each other. You guys don't know what you're doing. Do you actually really want to move? Probably not.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Right, and the answer is probably not. Okay. The answer is, I mean, she has asked me, my girl has asked me to go knock on the people's door of the house we sold to and ask to buy it back.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
And I'm like, I probably can't do that. But then I fucking sent the text to the agent anyway, and they said they would consider it, but you got to wait until next October because it's some tax law.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Try to tell that to a woman. Try to tell that to a woman. Say, hey, honey, I made a mistake. The house is twice as much and the interest rate is three times as much. She would say, buy the fucking house back. Dude, if you buy the same house again.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I was going to say, would I be an all-time Hall of Famer in the RU garbage world?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Johnny. What do you think the last two years on, I would say if there's seven days a week, five out of the seven, I wake up in the middle of the night sweating because of these decisions. I mean, you are. You're something else. You're something else. But here's the thing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
The King of Queens house, though. You can't... There's got to be a meet in the middle, so I'm saying, hun... Why don't we just rent a dope apartment? I work in the city every day. The kids will love it. Son can still go to high school where he doesn't have to change schools. Let's get a beautiful apartment in the city. And she says no. In the city of Manhattan. In Manhattan. And she says no.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Get a nice one, but a rental. But a rental. Rent it out. I'm renting it out. I'm not looking to buy right now, but... It's not a great time to buy. It's not a great time to buy, but the women just don't understand that. It's not the language they speak. You're not wrong. So now you just have to fucking kind of sit here and just deal with it and just kind of keep saying, I can't afford it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
And then it gets to the point where it says, well, then just go find the guy who fucking will. I can't do it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
I proposed to her, I got the ring at Six Flags. It only cost me 400 tickets. It's what it is. Yeah, so we're doing that. Where'd you go for the diamond? Where'd you pop the question? I don't know. In the house.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
In the house. Right there in the house. Monday morning, 7 a.m., right in front of the kids. He called a Palestinian, tried to ask her to marry her back in the old house. Back in the house. Yeah, can I do that? But no, so...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Somebody filmed it. Somebody filmed it. My stepson filmed it. My stepson filmed it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Right, right, right. Yeah. He's probably pushing for it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Always. Always, yeah. Always, yeah. You got to include everybody. The thing is with me, I'm all inclusive. He's in there with an asterisk. Right, right. No, no, no, no. He's in there. No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. He's fully in. He's fully 100% in as much as the other kids. Just the other kids, there's no way out. He's got a way out.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
So you know what I mean? He's fully in, but he could, it doesn't have to be forever with him. My kid's got to be forever. Right. You know what I mean? So he's got a way out. If he doesn't like me, he can walk away. But we're getting along great. My daughters, unfortunately, can't leave. I will lock them in the basement like that German guy that locked his daughter in the basement for 20 years.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
History Hyenas!
Are you going down the same road? I'll do it on a cheap. Are you going big? No, I don't think we're going to go big. She doesn't want big. No, because we've been together so long. I don't think she wants big. I think...
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
God damn, dude. One more, and that's it. You got to get back on track. I like reading the New Testament. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let me say you. Parable 58, cry out full throated and unsparingly. Oh, that's enough. Lift up your voice like a trumpet blast. Whoa, I know what trumpet means. Proclaim to my people their transgression to the house of Jacob, their sins.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Like a nation that has done what is just and not abandoned the judgment of their God. They ask of me just judgments they desire to draw near God. Why do we fast? But yet you do not see it. Why do we fast? Afflict ourselves, but you take no note. See, on your fast, you carry out your own pursuits and drive all your labors. See, you fast only to quarrel and fight and to strike with a wicked fist.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Do not fast as you do today to make your voice heard on high. Is this the manner of fasting I would choose?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah, yeah. How do you not know who Karen Carpenter is? Look, because I only know Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, yeah. I went to her concert. Out of the Carpenters?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I went to her concert with my family and my family left. There was a band called the Carpenters.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Oh, here we go. Friends. Friends. I think, and I'll say it all fair, I think we have a friend who I think did a little with her. No, really? I know a guy who I think did a little. Woo-hoo!
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Andrew's not here. So Andrew would be yelling at that? See, here's what's good about me and you doing the pod. I'll let you be you. I won't keep you in the cage.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
So I'd want to be- I want to be combined. Combined? I want to be combined. I want to be mostly pussy with a little dick on the side.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I want to be pussy and the clit be my dick. You know what I want to be? Two in one. I want to have a full pussy and just balls. No penis.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
He gets mad. And he does it all while sitting on his seesaw. Like this. Yeah. And he's like this.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
So you're saying like you have a full penis, but just the end is a pussy. Yeah, it's shaped like it, but it's not the hole that we have, right?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
What if you have a full penis, but then both balls are just two pussies? Oh, that's cool.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah, yeah. I was a physical therapist. What are we talking about? Well, I'm bringing it up because I was a physical therapist. And there was a hermaphrodite who was a patient of ours. But my boss didn't tell me. It was my second week on the job. Wow. So he knew we were not working in the hospital or whatever. And this person who was hermaphrodite came in. They needed a total knee replacement.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
So I just thought it was a regular patient. It was just like a regular guy, you know, whatever. And he had total knee replacement. So my boss was like, you know, I want you to do a pelvic exam as well.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And I said, what do you mean? And they're like standing in the back like this, like holding in laughter. Because even the guy was in on it, the actual patient. And I said, a pelvic exam, but he has total knee replacement.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
He looked like if you combined Carlos and Fancy. Not Adrian Brody. The opposite. He looked like if you had a Carlos's penis and Fancy's pussy. So we go, I said, pelvic exam, okay. And so I go doing my little pelvic exam above the robe. And my boss says, no, you need to disrobe. He's given permission. And I said, oh, okay, sir.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
no you're just real no I love it so I go so I get them in the proper position for a pelvic exam lay them down and it's like a you know very medical procedure or whatever yeah and I'm going to do it and I pull down and I go oh my god because you pull down and you see a penis you see the penis I see the top of the penis and then right off to the side this guy just a huge pussy coming off his thigh there's no way I swear to god you swear to god a huge pussy it doesn't work why would you go oh my god then because you don't expect to see a pussy on the inside of a guy's thigh you know what it's like
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I can't believe this is what he does. All right. You beg. I love when now every time I see a clip of Andrew when he's like yelling or getting mad at being a tough guy and then he goes like this.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah. So I saw it, and then these guys are fucking dying laughing. Were you laughing? Yeah, well, then I started to laugh. But I was like, what? You couldn't do that today. Imagine today trying to do that as like a goof where you just prank a hermaphrodite.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
That's what I was thinking. She looks like she has the kind of vagina.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
So you're saying you have a working vagina as a hermaphrodite? Yeah. You're you? You're fully you just with a vagina? Well, I could like half my face. Yeah. You know what I mean? Put makeup. Yeah. I would do it. I would do it. Because you know why? You're hairless. That's what I like. If you were a more hairy guy, I would say no, but I would fuck you. I would fuck you because you have no hair.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
What does Andrew Santino handsome? Am I more handsome than Andrew Santino? Yes. Yes.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You know what I mean? So then I should get the show. Yeah, he's like... Oh, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
But if you take him out... He's not handsome for a guy with special needs.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You really are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You realize there's you. Yeah. There's Jackie. Frodo Baggins. You, Jackie, and Frodo Baggins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The panda in the Central Park Zoo. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Because you're a man. Yes. You're a real man. I'm not going to do. I'm either. I've made a decision. I'm not going to do. Do what other people do. I'm not going to do the things that will advance my career. No, no, no. Get that back. Say it again. You're not going to. I'm not going to play golf. Or what? Bowl. Bowl. Or what? Pool. Pool.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
No, you're very handsome and you're also very confident. Jasmine, my girl, very cute. She loves you. She loves you.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
This is a pattern with you because you tried to fuck Jasmine's head too. I did a head thing.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
That's how he marks his territory. Yeah, thank you. That's how he marks his territory because I kissed her on the head goodnight and it smelled like kimchi.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You're correct about her. What I love about her, after being with her for 10 years, what I love about her is she is very loyal and she knows bullshit right away. And she knows what people to say, hey, no more with this guy. There's something I don't like about him. And she's right. She's right because she grew up in the hood. What if she said that about me? No, but she knew.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I know, but what if she did? Then you would stop fucking with me? Yeah, then I would start fucking with you. Okay. That's what I would do. Okay. I would bring back the Asian hate.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Okay, good. Now I listen because you know we're engaged now. You know that.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yes, we're going to have a wedding. Can I go? Yes, 100%. We got engaged on January 6th. I swear to God. You did? I swear to God. Well, that's a great day.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
We got engaged on January 6th and then we were going to get married on 9-11, but I'm doing the show. Okay. But we might just get married at the show. Okay. And so we got engaged because I said, you know what? How long am I going to keep not committing? How long am I going to keep doing this? We have children with her. We have children.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And the first thing my daughter said when we got engaged, she said, finally, daddy, we're going to be a real family.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I don't see you crying. I had to cry on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I cry. That was something that brought tears. The only times I've cried in the last year, I swear to God, is that moment and when I rewatched Little Giants from 1994. That gets me. Yeah. You ever seen Little Giants? No. The annexation of Puerto Rico. That's what I call my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Did you really cry during that movie? I swear to God, I really did. I really, really cried. But I cried when my daughter said that and it made me feel really bad about some of the decisions I've made over the course of my last 10 years of like, why didn't I just commit to do this with her earlier? What was I afraid of?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Because what I've done is I've committed to two people, Jasmine and this guy right here.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yes. Oh, he's eaten so many bodies. A hundred percent. You know why I do it? Because I follow a strict keto diet. He's high protein. I ate his body, but yeah, I eat the body of Christ, the blood of Christ. I drink the blood. What is the body? Is it bread? I've never been to one of those things. It's the Holy Eucharist. It's a wafer that's been blessed by the priest, and it is the body of Christ.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
It's a little wafer, and it's only about five calories, according to my fitness pal, so it will not break a fast. And then you drink the blood of Christ, which is wine, which is just Sutter Home wine from the liquor store.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
What do we do? What do you and I do? Kiss on the lips at the. Or. Or.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah. Yeah. Hold on, let's see. She doesn't, I think she literally looks at my call. She knows that like when I'm on the road, I'm very lonely and I need her and she looks at the call and hangs up.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah, because I think, you know what it is? Because she's an old school woman. She thinks it's weak if I say I'm lonely and I'm depressed. Why don't you snap the fuck out of it and try to sell out your shows?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yes, we do. Kierkegaard. Fear and Trembling. No, we do. Philosophical books. Hold on. We read Kierkegaard. Yeah. Watch Kurosawa films. Kurosawa films. Yeah, yeah. We meditate. We meditate, dude. Meditate. With our dicks out. Yes. We meditate a lot. We go for walks.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
We did Kimmel and then I got, Edward Norton was on on YouTube. He got 500,000 views. Anthony Mackie on the week before, he got 250,000 views. I was on 18,000 views.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yes, I can. I work at it. Yeah, yeah. I've kept track. I've went on 103 auditions in 2016, and I've gotten one. Can we chat GBT a script for me? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I'm not fully in though. You're like in, but you're there because you do their laundry.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And I have not. I'm walking on nubs. Oh, my. Here's the scene. It's just the laundry run. A small, dusty laundry shop in a typical old West town. Clothes are hanging on a line outside. Oh, oh. And there's the faint sound of a creek in the background. Inside, the smell of soap and steam from boiling water fills the air.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
The three men, Jed, Billy, and Cole, stand by a counter, leaning on it with various laundry items in hand. All right, so what am I playing? So you'll be... Just throw it out. I guess you're... He's Jed. I'll be Jed. You're Jed, and I'm Billy. You're Billy? Yeah. And you're Cole, okay?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You ain't wrong, Jed. but I reckon it's better than wearing these stinkers another day. I ain't been washed clean in the month. My old lady would have had a fit if she saw me like this.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
It gets in your pores. Makes you smell like you've been sleeping in the middle of a sandstorm like Fahim. I mean, I can't even tell if my shirt's dirtier from sweat or from just sitting in the sun all day.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You know, we might ought to be careful what we say. The way this laundry lady looks at us, I wouldn't put it past her to be listening in in our conversation. You've seen her eyes. They got like that look like she knows everything. Even things you ain't said out loud. Oh, yeah, I swear.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
See, that's what I like about the West. Everyone's got a story they ain't telling, but they all know how to make things work.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
No, because I just want... I know the fans might start talking shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's designed this way.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I got some heat online. And like I said before, I said this a couple of episodes. I came on here and I apologized because I got yelled at for some Asian accents I was doing. And I made a genuine, deep-hearted apology. I ended it with, I'm a Saudi. I know. And then people got mad at me.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And then, so I just want to say, look into the camera this time and mean, I really am actually sorry for saying that. Yeah, but he. And I'm sorry. It hurts me. But we're, you know, I make fun of you.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah, yeah. Sometimes when I have a, my therapist said to do this, the tension headache, you pull it back and you go like this. And that releases the pressure.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Allegedly. Allegedly, dude. Allegedly. We'll see what happens. Check your news feed. Yes. So great lineup last night. It really was. I like doing comedy here. You remember? Hi. You remember her? Ruby. Ruby.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
That's a guy with a headache. Last week, my daughter was asking me for help with her math homework, and I said, honey, I don't know the answer to that. I'm like this. And then the answer just came to me.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I've made a decision in my life and this has freed me from a lot of stuff online is I don't care about anyone's opinion, good or bad, unless I personally know you or I've met you. Like if you told me, Chris, what you said hurt me, I would genuinely apologize to you. But a random fan online, if they tell me I'm doing great or doing bad, I don't let it affect me either way.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Only people that I personally know and I've met in the physical space. Because my brains are not equipped. I can't... process praise or hate from Nebraska. You can't process it.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And you know what? Our friend, our mutual friend, when we talked to him about it, I want to see his name. Say his name and then put a patreon.com slash bad friends. No, we said, he said, and this is very accurate of him. He said, you know, all that looking online for the comments, all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self-hate. You hate yourself.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And so you're looking to be, you're looking for it to be justified by the comments. You want to say, oh, Chris sucks. You're looking for it because you think you suck. But if you're positive, you come from a positive place, you don't go looking for it. So I think you at times, Bobby, you know, I need therapy, you need this, you need that, but you're much more positive place than you think.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And then- But do you think it's because, were you making it up or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And by the way, I just want to make it clear, even if it looks like I did on camera before, I didn't pull out any of my penis.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Here's the good thing to know is that most people don't care at all.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
That's the thing. They don't think about it. You know what it is with Zoom. You know what it is. You make an asset of you and me. You know that.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
A little tidbit. Here's another parable, and this one's for you, Don. Their wives are foolish and their children wicked. Accursed their brood, but the children of adulterers... Don, how come you never sit down? Come sit down for a second.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
will remain an issue. And the pungency of an unlawful bed will disappear. For should they attain long life, they will be held at no esteem. Should they die abruptly, they will have no hope nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny. For dire is the end of the wicked generation.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
you can force a window to be open. The problem is for me with that where I don't have, my house isn't the best right now and I have air conditioners in the window. So I'm gonna open the window. I don't have central air. It's an analogy. Okay, but I have central air. I could hurt somebody.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
An opportunity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And that's where you have to get out.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Oh, tubby wear. Yeah, what's that? I mispronounced the word tubby wear on my old podcast, Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano, and that's the thing that went viral, not the jokes that I've written.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Remember this. Sometimes you can say things that you've said on a podcast before, previously, because guess what? As Marcus Aurelius said, you never step in the same river twice because the river's always flowing. It's always new water. So when you step in it, it's a different light, a different experience.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
It's hard for me to, I'm never looking in when I come. I know, but this is what you need to do. I'm always facing this way. Okay.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And I have to do comedy shows, and people bring tubby wear, and I sign them, even though I'm an accomplished comedian.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You know what? That's funny you say that because I had a friend. He was dating a girl for five years. Yes. They were going to get engaged. And then on her birthday one year, he gave her a card with a $100 bill in it.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I just mispronounced the word Tuberware because I thought it was T-U-B-B-E-R.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I think if you're going to be a bisexual woman, you're a very good guy. Because you're neutral.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Because it is, because you're very interesting. Don, what do you think of that? Well, you got, you've,
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
What you've done is- Yeah, yeah. Well, you have really, really good ones so far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best one was the- Snapping? Snapping, forgetting the name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You know what's another good one too? Yeah, let me write it down. Every time she comes home from work and is happy to see you, you're just laid out on the couch drinking a beer. And then when your friends come over, you jump up, you can't wait to go out with them. You kind of subconsciously tell her, I'm having fun with my friends and when I'm with you, I'm miserable.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You know what happened was the gay community on TikTok, I swear to God, they started coming out to their parents They started doing like all like, you know, like TikTok, you could take the audio. They started coming out to their parents with the Tupperware video. And that's what made it super viral.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Those are good. Two hours later. Never call her. Yeah, never call her. Yeah. Yeah, but those are immediate. You can tell her you're going to pick her up from the airport, never show up. Wow.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Every time she texts you, I love you, you could just hard hit and not say it back. Ditto. Yeah, maybe.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah. What if you only kissed her on her forehead like a child? What do you mean? Like you never kissed her on the lips. She wanted to make out and you're just saying, have a good day. And you kissed her on her head. Top it like a, or you pat her on her head like a little bit.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Treat her like a dwarf. That's good. I like that. Treat her like a dwarf. Or every time you guys were driving somewhere, she would drive and you sit in the back seat. Oh yeah, like an Uber. Like an Uber. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Like a relationship where it's like it's not intimate at all. Yeah, like a driving Miss Daisy kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Or what about this? When you're walking somewhere with her, you always walk a little bit in front of her.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
What about this? Here's a third theory. Am I not? No, it means you don't really like them.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
No, I get it because you, yeah, because maybe you were lust. Maybe it was lust and there was the lust juice.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
That's pretty good. But this whole thing, and then it went viral. They were little buttholes in a little Tupperware.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
It's the best way to do it. It's just, yeah. Every time I've had, the last five times I've had sex with my girl, I've come, but she's just continued watching Landman on Paramount+. Really? Yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Landman is one of the best TV shows I've seen ever in my life. So good. And the character Billy Bob Thornton plays is fantastic.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
No, girl. You don't think girls will like it? Ali Lard is in it. Ali Lard, who's beautiful. Yes. Yeah. It's a good show. The last, Landman, anything Taylor Sheridan has put out, Landman. The other one. Lioness. Lioness was fantastic. Yellowstone. This guy's unreal. Oh, Yellowstone I saw.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
No. Well, we just stopped the pod. He was going back on tour and Practical Joker started again. I'm a gambler, so I'm addicted to losing. I like to lose it, get it back. Lose it, get it back.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You could be in 1883. You could be in 1883. What could I play in 1883?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Same stream. Whatever the analogy. Never step in the same river twice.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
That's what you would do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like you're the guy that if you would get me, I would come in and shake your hand, and next thing you know, you got me in a finger trap.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
But our two fingers are things? No, no, you just snitch it on me. And your two fingers are in a trap? Yeah, but you got my hands in a trap and then you start hitting me with sticks. Dude, I mean. What does opium feel like? It must feel amazing. It's heroin, right? Oh, that's what it is, right?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You know, heroin is not actually bad for you. It's the things that happen.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Actual heroin. Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, RFK, our new chancellor of health. Yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I cancel the show, I put it back. Now you're back with Yawn. Back with Yana.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And I'll stop and put it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so happy that you're back. No, Yana, shout out History Anus because that is, I finally found a place too for me to just be so wild on the Patreon there.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah, I remember we were watching, the show was called Sugar on Apple TV and I was having sex with my girl a couple of months ago and I'm coming and she goes, there's Don.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Oh, that's awesome. I do two-man shows. Don goes up, does 20. I do an hour. We'll see you the fuck later. Wow. You have fun? I do. I have a good time.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Just say what I want, do what I want. Yeah. You like to say wild things, huh? I like to say wild things, but I kept getting demonetized.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah, Bobby, he noticed when he got home he had a little bit of cum on his crocs. Yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Should I try Jasmine one more time to see if you can come to the wedding?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Wilbur. Oh. Hi. Hi. I just want to tell you that you're on Bad Friends right now with Bobby Lee.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Okay. You're on the podcast Bad Friends. She doesn't know who I am.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
What do you think he's... What is Bobby Lee from other than Bad Friends? Where have you seen him?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Where do you think you've seen him? Just take a guess. Anything. Anything that comes to mind.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I'm just asking you to take one guess. Just wedding. The wedding. The wedding.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Right. And what's he, what's he, did he make you uncomfortable at all?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Okay. Because he has a thing where he likes to rub his head on other people's girlfriends' heads.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Really? Okay. Let me ask you a question now. We've said we want to keep things very, very small and intimate, close friends and family only for the wedding. And I want you to be honest. I know that you're on the show, but I want you to be genuinely honest. Is Bobby Lee invited to the wedding with a plus one?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Okay. Are you being genuine, Jasmine? He cannot come to the wedding?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Okay, okay. Okay, good night. Good night. So Bobby's not invited. I'm not invited. Well, let me ask you real quick, real quick, and then I'll let you go. Hold on, Jazz. Is Andrew Santino invited?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
You? Hulu special out February 21st. Yep. Bobby's going to do a Hulu special too. Mine's called It's Just Unfortunate. It's Just Unfortunate. And then go to christycomedy.com. We got a lot of stand-up dates. Oh, and patreon.com slash history hyenas. My history show is back. Yep. And also Jesus. Jesus Christ. Remember to keep him in your heart.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Remember that an error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it. Exactly.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
No, yes. He would fucking eat your fucking face. No, no, no. And then do pushups with your body. Because you know what I travel with? No, no, because I would know how to distract him. You know what I travel with? On it kettlebells. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know those kettlebells? Yeah, that's good. That's company, the on it kettlebells. Right, right. So I would take one of his on it kettlebells.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Right. It has like a gorilla head and I'd put it in the corner and he... and I run the other way.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Because the hyenas will eat you alive. That's what they like to do. They like to eat from the feet first. They'll eat you alive.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
bible yeah yeah yeah you know he just converted do you know that i just want to say something yeah yeah he wants to say he has a message i just want to say something he has a message for you during jacob maya's reign nebuchadnezzar this is n-u-b-u-c-h king of babylon attacked and jacob became his vassal for three years then johoma turned and rebelled against him the lord loosed against him bands of chaldeans armenians moabites and ammonites
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
he unleashed them against Judah to destroy him. According to the Lord's word spoken through his servants, the prophets.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
This befell Judah because the Lord had stated that he would put them out of his sight for the sins Manasseh had committed in all that he did. And especially because of the innocent blood. Because Manasseh and the Jammamites were cousins. And then you know what happened?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
The wicked have been corrupt since earth. Liars from the womb may have gone astray. Their venom is like the venom of a snake, like that of a serpent chopping its ears.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yes, please. Thank you. Go ahead. There you go. Jesus is among us all. Remember that. Yes. There it is.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Who am I going to kill? I'm going to kill... Schultz? No, no. I want to kill Schultz. I don't kill black people. Okay. I would kill... I don't really have like a rival who's like me. I mean... I don't know. Who would I kill?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
They're sprinting towards me. I would let it close on Fahim Amwar.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Yeah, and I would just fucking yell something. Because he would, I'll tell you why. I would look at his eyes and I would say, never forget.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from the other spit bubbles in your mouth.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
Do you think when he's fucking her, he has to take off his C4? Yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
But maybe it wasn't about that. It couldn't have been. Should I call him?
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I didn't pick up. You actually don't pick up a lot. I never pick up.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
And I also have something to talk to you about, too, after the phone call. Okay, good. All right.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
There was an episode you guys did two weeks ago, three weeks ago, when the fires were happening, and then you checked in on each person. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Wait, wait, wait. Please don't.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
So I was, I texted, I listened- You're in New York. And I'm in New York and I hear this episode, everyone, Andrew and Bobby are going through the people who reached out to them. And I reached out to Andrew and I have proof of that text. And I reached out to Bobby and I have proof of that text. On Friday, January 10th- And I said that you didn't. The day after the fires, you said I didn't.
Bad Friends
Bobby's Break Up Tips
I said, hey babe, how are you? Checking in on fires. I love you. It's what I said to him. And then two hours later, he sent me back- The text, it said, not great, followed by this picture of an Asian man burning himself alive in a protest to Vietnam. And that's what I was sent. And then I wrote, I love you. And then he said, love you too, bro. You know what?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
and we are beginning thank you guys for coming god damn yannis papas chris or stephano the history hyenas dude thank you guys we're here thank you i'm pumped dude thank you thanks for having us and i just want to say because the last i was on the show um a couple of weeks ago a month ago yannis and i just want to say to all your fans out there say something about my hair now look at my hair now dude you guys were talking shit saying i had no hair product in my hair was flat what what about now
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
He was telling people, like, if you die in battle, you're going directly to Valhalla and you're going to ride about like, you know, you're riding like, you know, eagles there. And it's just like he was like, you know, Germany is versus England right now. Germany is versus Great Britain, you know, at that moment when they're in that war. And he says, we are two superpowers.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But my net. You ready for this? My call, though. My next call for that. Just the new absolute Coxman is going to be Marcelo.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
from from uh i think marcello's the next coxman big he's like the latino pat pete davidson yeah imagine pete all the power pete has but on top of that you're fucking latino unstoppable yeah how do you stop that although pete's vague ethnicity is kind of powerful as well that's true too because you're like you don't know what that guy you're like
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But it's crazy, because I'm like, as men's minds, I think we all still think in our minds, like, oh, maybe one day we can hook up with Kim Kardashian, too, even though we have no chance and no desire to.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, I felt that way two weeks ago. I did a show at Lucali's Pizzeria, a very famous pizzeria in Brooklyn. Some of the best pizza, probably the best pizza in New York. And besides Joe and John's, my local pizzeria. Shout out Ridgewood Queens, baby. But Anne Hathaway was in the second row of the show. And when I tell you,
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life, besides, of course, my girlfriend. And obviously she's way hotter, duh. But Anne Hathaway was literally to the point where I would do a joke.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I would be like, you know, she was sitting over here and I'd be like scanning the room and I'd do a joke and I'd hit the punchline and I would, you know, like people would be laughing and I would slowly go like this and just make sure. Like almost like, is she laughing? And there was a couple of times I saw her laugh and I swear to God, dude, I got butterflies in my heart. I was like, oh my God.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then you have this fantasy, like she's going to come out here and be like, you know, you were so great. Like, why don't we just like, why don't you talk to your wife and I'll talk to my husband and you and I could just be together and they'll allow it. And we could just be together and it'll be great. And we could do movies together. But like our wives and husbands don't care.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And they're actually, they're actually cheering it on.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then I just drive home and then you're depressed that she didn't DM you. And then you're like, fuck, man, I guess I suck.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Let me just set this up. We're in this very famous sushi restaurant with Tim, it's me, Yanni, and Tim Dillon. And Tim Dillon, 20 minutes before, is telling us how much Emma Stone hates him. Oh, that's right. Remember, he's telling us Emma Stone despises him. And me and Giannis are listening, but we're kind of being like, maybe Tim's just like making it a bigger deal.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And the only way to win is one of us is going to have to be destroyed and it will not be Germany. And the crowd goes nuts. You're like, fuck yeah. I started putting on my fucking boots.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Maybe Emma Stone, like, there's no way that Emma Stone hates him. And we were like, maybe Emma Stone doesn't even know who any of us are. We don't know, but we were like, whatever.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Your smoke show, Mrs. Pappas.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, that's so nice. And then also.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Imagine she shit in the sink.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
You just go in there as a turd in the sink. But she walked past us and was like, holy shit, Emma Stone. And then she came back, because Tim was sitting with his back to hers. But then when she came back out of the bathroom, she walked and looked at Tim. And I saw her go like that. So it confirmed everything he said. I was like, she does hate him.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
What was their beef? Why the fuck would you? Something with Tim, you know, because Tim's hilarious.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yes, Tim fucked her.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
No, Tim's hilarious on social media. And I think he was tweeting like, you know, hilarious shit, but maybe like shitting on an Emma Stone movie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I'm sorry I'm taking it on my phone. I just want to make sure my hair is still good because these fans are just fucking unbelievable.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
There it is, folks, and it's gone.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
yeah just like the way you know i just think it's done now so this will be a fun next 30 minutes for me to just know it's just wait just waiting just and then calling her and then her not calling me back for a week that would have been weird if it was emma stone who texted imagine like whoa that would have been yeah i so i want to that's that's very funny it's funny you have to sit with that for the next half an hour just deal with it here's my thing i don't think it's that great that's like
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
She's probably gets people that like want to take pieces of her hair, her skin. If the worst thing about you, you want to sniff her toilet seat after she goes to the bathroom. She might be like, we can actually go on dates. I didn't sniff her seat.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I had to go to the bathroom and it happens to be Emma Stone and I want to just sit in your body heat.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
No, but I mean, even if he would have, it's his. I didn't do anything.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
They do. Because girls, as much as like the world we live in, we're like, do not objectify me, feminism. They want you to tell them how hot they are at all times.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I fucking love that shit. Dude, whatever. You know, when I wake up next to my girl, she's like, you know, I try to like kiss her good morning. She's like, no, stop. She has morning breath. And I just fucking burrow in there like a gopher. She loves it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Well, there's actual in stench, in the stink of men and women, I think there's actual, what's the like term for aphrodisiac?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Pheromones, there's actual pheromones in there. Correct answer. Yep, boom, 200.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, dude, I think that's a fact. I think that's what we call on the history of news, a truth baiter Ginsburg. That there's pheromones inside stench that actual, you're supposed to have stinky sex.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I love a girl with pit smell.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
pungent but just like kind of like bullet spices but if there's the fish smell yeah can't do it can't do that but there are girls what we say on our show is there are girls though that we call swim throughs where you will swim through they're so hot where you will swim through fumes just to bang that like like if kim kardashian had fumes she'd be considered a swim through yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
she'd be considered a swim through for Rome. Meaning, what we mean by that is you'd swim through her fumes just to bang her out. And then for Rome, meaning if we were living in ancient society, she would be taken for the Roman Empire, ripped away from her mom and dad, and she would be part of the harem of King Giannis. That's how hot she is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, in Roman times, that was a real worry.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, in Roman times, that was a real worry. Like, imagine being a father and you know your daughter's like 16 and a smoke show. You're like, this girl's going to get taken for Rome. The emperor's going to come and take her when they come to our town. They're going to take her for the harem and I can't do anything.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Well, they did. If they snatch you up, according to the research we've done, if they've snatched up your daughter for Rome, which is a real thing, you would get a tax break. So it's like, you know? Yeah, you don't have to fucking hit taxes that year because we took your kid.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Give me your daughter. Dude, I think Olympic athletes that win gold medals should pay no taxes for a lot. That's true. Because you're not going to get any money. So my thing is like, if you win the gold medal for us, no taxes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then military shouldn't pay taxes, dude. And I think if you did the right thing in November, you shouldn't pay taxes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Well, we watched a science video about the neuroscience of the brain. We watched this a few years ago where they said actual from a scientific point of view, the highest climax, the best orgasm a man can have is when they're watching transgender porn because the number one things, the one and two things that men are attracted to, most men are big boobs and a big dick. And that's heterosexual men.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
We're not talking about gay men. Because a heterosexual man, even if it's not transgender porn, will fast forward subconsciously if the man's penis is not big enough while they're watching it. Because we mirror everything. So a big penis and big boobs, theoretically, would get the most excitement from the male brain. And that's a transgender person. And that's another truth baiter Ginsburg.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And you're not gay. I think we sit and think a lot. We're gay. And that's why it's great to be in comedy. I have gay friends because I've asked Mateo Lane multiple times, am I gay? And he said, no, you're not gay. You're just feminine. but that's not gay. It's not gay. You're more like a woman than a man, but you're not attracted to men. And that's because you really don't know, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Which I've started doing now, by the way.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
As your brain starts to develop, you're like, I don't know because I will not immediately push a handsome man out of my brain. If he pops in while I'm masturbating, I'll let him hang out a little bit. Yeah. But that's just being more of a woman, not a gay man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Because we said it many times, and Giannis is the one who discovered this, that I like to, I fall in love with men, but I have sex with women. And that's just who I am, but that's not gay. According to Mateo, who I would say is like, I mean, he's the top gay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Because I just got a little freaked out because my TV wasn't working. I don't like sleeping in the dark, so I just knocked on Giannis' door and I said, can I just fucking post up in here? He does chill.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But then I couldn't because his feet smelled so bad. I'd rather sleep with the fear of Ted Bundy popping out of a closet than smell his feet.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I got to get out of here, too. Because if I was a real gay guy, then I would have just fucking went in and tried to bang him.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
That one made me like, I felt that one.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
a quiet slow blowjob to your male friend like that literally like it actually made me like pause like we're fucking around but that one i have to be like oh that's like like you grab onto the podium like holy shit matt went crazy just now the quiet and slow is gayer than the blowjob yeah yeah yeah dude if you would have been like oh a teethy blowjob like ah yeah man but quiet is the fucking manly one like yeah that one like yeah that's another one i'll just probably think about that now
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
You're going to get a text from me like 4 a.m., quiet and slow, question mark.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
There were no labels back then though. That's the thing. It's like you being gay or straight was irrelevant. They didn't care about that. It was like, it was more of like, do you love your country and want to fight in war or not? But you being gay, they were like, we don't, that's not, everybody's banging guys, girls, animals. It doesn't matter.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
So now, because dude, even like the label of being gay, that's like 150, 200 years old. Even in Abraham Lincoln's time, nobody cared that the guy, who was it? The guy before him,
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
james buchanan yeah he was like known gay never had a wife they used to call him uh they used to call his like guy that was always with them i think they used to call him like aunt nancy or something like that which is like a gay term back then but like the people didn't care his his political opponents didn't slander him with that because they were like nobody cares about this yeah so it only came later in life like oh being gay was taboo well it's crazy too that you know if you think about how strong gay must be to like
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Pete Buttigieg, so we say Pete likes it in the Buttigieg. Yeah, he does, unfortunately. And I don't know why his political opponents, like if he ever went up against Trump, Trump, that's what Trump should say. Pete likes it in the Buttigieg. That would go viral.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, yeah. Bill Burr has a good bit paraphrasing about if you see a lesbian, a 35-year-old lesbian in a bar who's married and a 35-year-old married guy at a bar, straight guy, they have the same look. They're both angry, pissed off, but then a 35-year-old gay guy, he was like, have you ever seen a sad gay man? And it's the truth. You have never seen it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
When you told me that the last time I came on the show, it's something that I swear to God, there's, you know, like, you know, I'm 40 now, you wake up, you have to pee or whatever. And there's been multiple times in the past, like, months since I've been on your show where I've woken up and I'm like, I can't believe Matt doesn't know anything about sports.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
They're just always having fun life in the party.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Like, do you think after he sculpted David, when he just, because that penis is like remarkably small, he didn't do it like this. Yeah, just gave it a kiss on the wall.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
That is a good point you bring up. It's mostly baby penis that he was painting. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And all the popes came in, they're like, fucking.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
no and you had to live communally a lot a lot of people people just lived in the same one big room so this whole taboo of like sex is in private wasn't really a big thing back then like kids would watch their parents have sex as if they would watch a guy work out or whatever they were like it's just we all live amongst each other yeah get out of the way you ever see how they shit in those old Roman latrines where it was just like
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And I've just been thinking about it because you're such a guy who, you look at this guy, you listen to this guy, you're like, he's going to be like an NFL broadcaster. And he doesn't know it. I mean, he has a headset on like Tony Romo right now.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
What would they use?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yes. Collect pond. That's what it was called.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
it looks great right dude now i look like a 60s crooner and look at yannis's hair dude i look great that looks good that's painted on yeah it looks good yeah the wave right so i just want to make sure everybody knows true what's up and i'd like to say yeah i'd like to say um it's good to be here in republican hollywood and yes the candidate over here and the candidate over here yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Teddy Roosevelt instituted like the sanitation department and would come, guys dressed in all white, like we got to clean this up. Because dude, the idea of like a germ being discovered that that was the Louis Pasteur, that wasn't that long ago.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Right.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Because infant mortality rate, you know, like when people, you know, you think like, oh, from the 1500s, 1600s, oh, we would have been dead by 35, 40, but that's not true. Like all, like Benjamin Franklin, these guys lived to their 70s and 80s. It was the, it would say life expectancy of a male back then was whatever, 45, but it's because of the infant mortality rate.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
That's what science doesn't tell you. Wow. It's because so many babies were dying at one minute old that it brings your average down. But if you passed childhood, most likely you were going to live to your 70s and 80s like we are today. So we don't live much longer.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
It's just we don't die as babies as much because back then, no processed food, working with your hands, out in the sun, all those things. That makes sense.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
No, you wouldn't. Most likely, you might have died as a child if somebody put some dead baby juice on you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Cause like you look, it's funny to see like physically you play. I like to play sports. God gave you a body for sports, but then this is your brain.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, yeah. Imagine trying to talk to like, you know, somebody in the 1700s about your mental health. Yeah. As a guy, they'd be like, what? What if the British are coming?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I would stab you with a bayonet.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Instead of calling depression, depression, they said I'm suffering from melancholia.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, it kind of sucks. I mean, dude, Josephine's and Napoleon's letters are, I mean, talk about stench. Napoleon is saying, I can't wait to make you smell your bush. He said, get your pube, like basically paraphrasing, but he said, I want your pubes. When I get there, I want your bush as big as possible, and I don't want you to take a shower.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And he would come in, Farrell, and he needed to bang her out. Yeah. With like a full, the stinkiest pussy she could possibly have. So she would not bathe. Like if she knew he was coming, she wouldn't bathe for like five, six days and just let the bush go. Cause that's what he wanted. Wild boy right there. Dude, Joe, look up, if you're into that, look up the letters between Josephine and Napoleon.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
He laughed at us. I think when he made it, he's like, dude, I'm going to make this Matt one. I'm going to put them outside Philly. I'm going to make them look like an athlete, but then I'm just going to have fucking paint brushes and, and you know, just gay stuff in his brain. And I think they laugh.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
They are wild. Just totally horny letters.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Big time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yes. He wanted it, dude. And that's just how he is.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Because everybody was kind of short. He was like five, seven or eight. You know what that was, right? It was British misinformation. What the British did that on purpose.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
There was a writer, I'm blanking on his name, but he wrote when the British were fighting the French that let's make Napoleon, because nobody really knew back then, let's just make, do all these political cartoons of him being really short. So it's not like he was over, like George Washington was legit six, five.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Lincoln was tall. But Napoleon wasn't tall like that, but he just was a normal height. So this whole idea of like Napoleon complex is there's truth in that, but he didn't suffer from it because he wasn't short enough. He was an average height for that guy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
It's just misinformation. Dude, even- It's fake news.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I read 1776. And then this book, The British Are Coming. And they basically were saying that even the Declaration of Independence, that was all made up by the founding fathers. They created this idea of like, oh, we want to be free from the British and independence. But like that wasn't when the Revolutionary War started, it was all they want.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
All the people were saying was, we just want to be taxed. If we're going to be taxed, we just want to be represented in parliament. That's it. because we don't want the British to leave. Because if you think about, put yourself in the mind of a colonist back then, besides like a select few like wild patriots, but most of the colonists. Hold up, I just got instantly racist.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, so these colonies, they just wanted to be taxed, right? They just wanted to be represented by parliament. But back then, they were like, if you were a colonist, you wanted the British because you had to the north, the French, who at that point wasn't on your side, and they would kill you and take your land. And then to the south, Spain, who definitely didn't like you. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then to the West, Native Americans who absolutely despised you. And the only thing stopping those three people from coming to kill you were the British. Because they were like, you do not fuck with Britain. That's a British subject. But then the war is going on, 1775 or whatever, all the soldiers, they did nine months, but they were like, dude, we got to go home.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
We're going to lose to these British fucks. We got to go home because we got our farms. We got to take care of our farms. Our wives are dying. Who knows? We have to go back. And they just started leaving in droves. So Washington, Thomas Paine, Common Sense was like a pamphlet, like the first viral thing that ever happened. George Washington told Thomas Paine, dude, you're like a great writer.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Why don't you make up, can you make up something to like galvanize these guys to come back? So they came up with, what if we change this messaging from taxation without representation to let's be free from the tyrannical Brits. Let's just be free from these fuckers. Don't you hate them? And then that messaging started to get into people's minds.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
You would have been a decent cop. And I think you also would have been a good, you're a really good coach that you would have, if you did fuck around with a kid, it was like in the 80s. Right. It wasn't anything recent. Right. I hear what you're saying.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then next thing you know, they're fighting the British. And they're like, this is not even what we wanted, but we just believed the fake news. And then obviously, as you know, Benjamin Franklin had to go over to Paris and bang some of King Louis' concubines to get in Louis' ear. And then he convinced the French to get into the war because the French hate the British more than anybody.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then we won. But that was not, so it was fake news. That's what these books said. Really? Yeah. And that was the last time the French were tough. Yes. Dude, they got fucking steamrolled in World War II. They got fucking big. We got to talk about that for another day, but the French got absolutely fucking field goal kicked in World War II, and they were the number one seed.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
They were the number one army in the world.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, and another fun fact history with the French, like Dunkirk, when they got like steamrolled in Dunkirk and they almost lost everything, whatever. I read something that said one of the main, of course, Germany was this crazy army on a mission, whatever, but Hitler would not allow the German soldiers to get prostitutes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Or if you got caught masturbating or drinking, you could take the Ponzer chocolate, which was crystal meth. So they allowed meth, but no banging prostitutes and no masturbating and no alcohol. Because he wanted like a fucking tip-top army where the French were encouraging prostitution and were encouraging you to like be free, sexually free.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And supposedly there was sexual STDs running rampant through the French army those last six months before the Nazis took over them. And these guys were like fighting with like active chlamydia and VD where the Germans were just coming in fully loaded cocks on crystal meth ready to steamroll. Damn. And that's like a big part of like why they just beat the shit out of everybody.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
So like one of those things, like you were doing it when everybody's doing it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But then as the war went on, the crystal meth, obviously you can't take that for so long. Then even Hitler, you started to go nuts. It's just like rock and roll.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, imagine coming out of that. A lot of Nazi soldiers killed themselves when they got back to Germany because they were like, not only does the world hate us, but like, I didn't want to do this. I was on meth. And I killed all these people and did all this shit and I'm done. And then they killed themselves. I think you can't do war without drugs.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But you kind of had the thoughts where you realized it was wrong in like the 90s.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Which is way ahead of most people.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Well, that's like World War I. You ever seen that story about the French and the British on Christmas Day? They're sitting there in the trenches. They have... They're there for a year. Each side has moved up like 50 yards max. There was No Man's Land it was called where it was all like mines and everybody would just die there.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
So Christmas, I forgot which side, but one of them basically called a timeout and they all went out to No Man's Land and had Christmas dinner together, drinking, eating. And then they went back December 26th and started killing each other again. It's a fascinating thing in World War I, Christmas dinner.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah. Just hang out. You're like, this is just a regular guy. I don't hate this guy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Well, like the Japanese, like the emperor was just like, guys, if you fly your planes into the sides of this, you know, fly your planes into the sides of the American boats, I can personally, I'm the emperor, dude. I guarantee you're getting into heaven. You can have whatever you want.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
If I was the president, I would just go to war with Portland. I would just say, get these guys out of here.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Do you think we're going to come together as a planet and fight whoever's controlling the drones? Like these drone things? You think like the aliens, you think the alien invasion, this project, blue light or beam light, whatever?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Blue beam. Yeah, where it's like, you know, like where the countries are staging an alien attack and they're going to say that these drones are going to get attacked by aliens and come together against a common good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I've heard that. I've heard that theory.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
English one, Chinese two?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
What do you want to go three? The most beautiful ones. English, Spanish, French. Chinese is out. Chinese is out. Let them learn French. Yeah, you don't want to be like... They can do it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
When I went to Sicily, dude, I was fucking rock hard 24 hours a day just listening to people speak.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I think the nuke will do a quick scan and say, there's not enough Japanese people here. I can't go off unless there's a certain percentage.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Because the issue is the nuclear weapons now, supposedly, have more power than Hiroshima, and they can be fit in a suitcase. I've heard, yeah. So that's the issue. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, then the whole world would just look like 6th Street. Yeah. Right here in Austin. You can go there and practice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Okay. Yeah. With girls though, with girls, I almost like, obviously it's fucked up, but it's not, it's like, that's rare. It's normally always, it's always boys getting clipped. It's usually always the boys getting clipped. I know. I was in two situations. I went to Penn State football camp when I was a kid, never got clipped, never saw Jerry Sandusky, but never got clipped.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, because they say aliens only started showing up after the first nuke went off. There were no alien sightings before 1945.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I mean, Bob Lazar, I believe that guy Bob Lazar saw all that stuff years ago. I was telling everyone about it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah. Rogan just posted yesterday on his Instagram, like to explain like this footage. And it was like this unedited footage and it's just two orbs like That just happened, I guess, last night. And they just the way they shoot off into space is not. And, you know, Rogan saying this is unedited footage. This is real.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then there was another guy in Christ the King basketball coach, Bob Oliva, that also went down for that stuff. And I never got clipped by him. And I was many, many times in the gym, just him and I, because my mom had to work. So I was the kid that I would get dropped off. My mom would pay extra to drop me off at basketball camp at like 7 a.m. 45 minutes before because she had to get to work.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
People might go far in life with no shame, but it's not good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
It's not good.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
you gotta have a balance you gotta be like turn off the shame for certain things yeah and then but then turn it back on when you're gonna blow your dog or or you're gonna just you know take a kid into a fucking harem and drink their blood you want to turn the shame off for that yeah yeah just slow blowing you want you want to turn the shit yeah you want to turn the shame all the way up at a party and then you want to just turn it off when you're fucking hitting the stage yeah yeah
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
yeah god damn dude the slow the slow blow it's really dude it's just gonna be quiet a quiet slow blow job to a male friend there's gonna be something that i might i might honestly bring it up on rogan and just ask his assessment he would love that yeah what man what the fuck you're talking about
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And I remember once, I remember the last time I went on, I was saying how attracted I was to this trans actress on the show Baby Reindeer and thinking like he was going to be like, you know, back and forth. And he just went, ugh, it's disgusting. And then he just started talking about alligators and I was fucked.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And he does that, by the way, three times a week. It's not like he does it once a week.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, I'm like, why am I giving gems to these people at dinner when I could just be doing that on Patreon?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, we were filming. We were literally talking to our driver yesterday because he was like a liberal guy from Texas. So we were like going crazy. We couldn't believe that we finally met one, whatever. And he was like an older guy and we're having fun, whatever, talking. I was recording the whole thing. I was like, oh, this would be good on Patreon.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And then at the end when he's dropping us off, he says like the address of where we are. And then Jan's like, oh, we probably shouldn't post that, dude. He just said the address. And the guy was like, are you recording me? Yeah. And then I just, I slowly put down, I was like, no, no, no, no, no.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
The last bit we have, he goes, are you recording me?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
We've already posted that puppy. That's so funny.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
So we're like, that's actually like a crime, but we're just willing to do it if you give us $5 a month.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
And it was just him and I. And he never did anything, never clipped me at all. And I know like the hack joke, what people say is like, oh, what about me? Whatever. Like, you know, but I genuinely had like feelings about it. I was like, am I ugly? Wait a second. Yeah, like I really would talk to my therapist about it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Well, maybe it's illegal and maybe they're actively suing them, but the whole it's out anyway.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But this is maybe they're willing to suck to take the lawsuit on the chin. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Just to say it's a weird offense, though, isn't it?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, the laws are like, if you've ever, when you're single, if you've ever paid for a girl's Uber to come over to your house and then you guys have had sex, you go over to her home, you've technically sex trafficked her.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Like, that's all real.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But yeah, but you have to trick her.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I guess, yeah. I mean, like, let's watch a movie. We're not really, I don't want to watch the movie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I think, though, the problem becomes if she comes over and you bang her and then other guys come over and bang her, too. Did you see that shit in France?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
You know what I think Bob Oliva and these people saw in me? They were like, this guy will kiss me back, and that's not what I want.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
No, no, no death penalty. No life in prison. Most of your prison time is on a farm.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
It's like kind of like hanging out in like a rec room of a luxury condo building. Like you just got everything you want. You're chilling. That wouldn't be bad.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
That guy in Norway who like killed all those school kids, like that awful thing. He's just, he's going to get out of jail.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Dude, I mean, prisoners have Instagram in the US like they're on. They know what they're listening to pods. I know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Oh, and by the way, January 18th, we're doing our first live History Hyena show at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, D.C. Nice, man. We're doing it, baby.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
openly gay openly gay man big time hot shot attorney but a full i mean as gay as gay gayer than your pain your brother's a gay attorney he's yeah three dollar bill which is what messes with him because he's got the you know his brother got hit hard with so he's like how much of this gay gene did i get nicked if literal i came out of the same womb which might be just a tainted gay womb yeah and it's like were we really wrestling that whole time yeah yes we
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
John Gotti? No, before him. John Gotti, Paul Castellano.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
for the Gambino crime family.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
It happens, dude. That sucks. But what do we think? Because obviously, you know, the guys, that happens a lot, the Sanduskys of the world, the Fogliettas, whatever. But like women... They, women teachers have sex with this male students, like it's rampant and they get caught all the time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But if you, all you have to do, I encourage you at home, go home and just ask like three or four people if they know someone and they all know someone who maybe they're having, the woman hasn't gotten arrested, but they know, like I know in high school, my friend banged the teacher. It was confirmed it happened. She never got arrested for it. It never came out to the public. It never will.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
But it's, so what is that?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Why do they constantly do that?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Right.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I never thought about that. Like Euphoria.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
You think Trump will change the law and just let boys have a legal age at like 13 and you can just fucking clip them all day? Just for boys? Just for boys. You think Trump will just be like, these kids, these boys really don't give a shit.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I mean, honestly, if I was 15 and I, if I was 15 and I actually, I'm sorry. No, I lost my virginity at 17, but then I was 17 and banged a woman in her thirties. So that's technically a crime. Right. But I don't care.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
She does it. I would never, it would never make a difference to me. Yeah. But if I was a girl, I might get older and be like, I got seduced.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I'm telling you, man, not that I've ever agreed with anything that Hitler said, and I despise the Nazis and what they did, but if you just want to AI listen to Hitler speeches in English and just change out the words from Germany to America in your head, you'll get really pumped up for the day. That guy just knew how to light a fire under you, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
That's crazy you knew that. She was a family friend.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Do you know the myth of the black guys with the big dick? Do you know where that comes from? The black guy? From their dicks. Well, no, they absolutely, they absolutely basketball guys.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Big dicks.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Big cocks in the locker room?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I know, dude. The locker room for me, I went to an all-boy Catholic high school, and I remember the boy, obviously the players, everyone going in there butt naked, and I would go in with bathing suit shorts on because I was a little embarrassed. But then I remember the older kids would be like, take off the bathing suit shorts. What are you, fucking gay? Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Isn't it gayer if my dick and balls are out with the rest of you? But the black dick thing, so supposedly, I think this might have been like 1600s, late 1600s, when the first waves of African slaves started to come over. The men, the white men, were so...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
scared that they were gonna because they were how muscular they were that they their wives just gonna bang them left and right they said that their dicks were so big but it was a negative thing back then like they're gonna kill you and you're gonna get killed by them like that's a weapon and so then and then but then it became like we want the big dick but back then the big dick was frowned upon yeah it was like a negative thing it was a bad thing in ancient greece if you had like a real small
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
It's just some of it is genetic. No, you could look this up. The science though says as far as like penis length, the African... Black people in general don't have bigger dicks than anybody else. Wow. If you look at the science of it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
The way that he would speak about Germany was like, I fucking get it, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, I remember like when, you know, Pete Davidson.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I remember like when Pete Davidson got really, really, you would get it reduced?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I would take it right back to where I'm at now. I'd be like, this is crazy. Yeah, I remember when Pete Davidson got like, you know, like really famous and started to like blow up and everyone was saying how big of a dick he has, whatever. And then like all these comedians were like making TikToks. Be like, dude, I can confirm. I saw it. I started comedy with him.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I was like, he started comedy when he was 16.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I was big when he was 12. I didn't know people did that. That's crazy. It was crazy. I was literally seeing people be like, stop, don't phrase it like that.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
It's like I saw it a week ago. But if you said when we did a road gig together and he just pulled it out, I'm like, yeah, dude, the kid started at 16. His mom used to call me and make sure that he was like being okay on the road because he was a child.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
Yeah, exactly. I'd be like, Mrs. Davidson, he's fine. He says, dick's wrapped around my neck though. How do we stop this? Do I have to feed it?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)
I mean, his has it. I mean, no, no doubt about his has it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I've shot from the hip for so long. Like, I've said so much . I have a sitcom right now in development. And then they had an intern look into it. They were like, you've said so many things that we actually think they all cancel each other out. And there's nothing really to pin it on. We actually feel like we're safe here. Like, you just kept digging.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
My oldest daughter is just, she's, she's black. Yes. And, um, and so, so yeah, but that's, but it happened, you know, she's just, I just have a black child, but she is biologically mine. And my wife did not cheat on me.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yes, and it doesn't conclusively say that it's mine, but those tests aren't always accurate. And what happened is the big man upstairs, Jesus, told me in a dream that it was mine. Wait, are you serious? Yes, her name's Tanisha. DeStefano.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Dude, right? Yeah. I'm ready to go tonight. Whole outfit, where do you think it's from?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, but I love, I reconnected with Christ. I love Christ. My kids go to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school my whole life. Grammar school, high school, college, Catholic school.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I want them to have a relationship with God. I think discipline is very important as well. But I also just think faith, restoring your sense of faith. Like everyone goes meditation and deep breathing now and everyone's in a fucking cold plunge. And I'm like, yes, girl, yes. But I also think going to church. for me, is like my meditation. It is my cold plunge. It is my, you know, connect.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Centers you. Centers you. Because that's what I think has happened with our societies. A lot of people, they don't know. They're like, I got to meditate. I got to do deep breathing. I got to fucking box breathe. I'm on antidepressants. It's like, no, really, you just have to, you've lost your faith. It doesn't have to be Catholicism. You've just lost your faith.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
You've lost, now you're like looking for all these other answers. It's like, dude, just go connect with some type of Whatever God is to you. For me, it's Catholicism and Jesus, and I believe in that, and that's the route I want to go.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Arizona and California, I like them. That was the fucking Mexican forest back then.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, I'm not saying that's the only way, you know, but it's like, you know, like you could be Catholic or another type of Christian, and then that, you know, or Jewish.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yes, the love. Well, you mean like that I'm Jesus' child?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No. I don't know that I felt that. I don't know that I've ever even thought that Jesus is my dad, but now I guess, now that you're saying it, he is. I guess I am part Middle Eastern. then.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Right, I understand that, but I'm saying then Jesus is my big brother. Here's the thing. If God made Jesus and then he made him Middle Eastern and we're all his kids and I am half Middle Eastern...
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So, like, when he said, like, you know, what's, like, a good Jesus quote?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Dude, I'm telling you, dude, because you have positive energy and just your overall look, you might be him. No, I'm being dead serious. He's not. He's saying he's not? No. Is he circumcised? Yeah, I am circumcised. I don't think Jesus was circumcised.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I don't know. I don't know that the real Jesus would have done it. He wouldn't have clipped himself. Well, he was Jewish.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Um... It's very, I want, hypothetically, I want to say yes, but it's, I love being a dad. I love my kids. It's very, very, very, very, very difficult to have little kids. They're just, it's, you don't like your- You don't have a life. Yeah, well, no, it's not even about a life.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
It's just like you're, I don't know that I could go through another three to four years of like absolutely no sleep, like just constantly like go. I don't know that I could do it. We could, I don't think I have my wife and I want to do it again like that. We got three. I think we feel good. We feel complete. We feel so blessed. I don't know that I could – if we could do it again.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And it's really more on her because I could feel her when the third one, she was like, I'm so thankful. I really am. I love it. But I can't – like the thought of getting pregnant again, she's like, I can't do it. So the women who go out there and have 12 kids, I don't know physically how they do that. Right. And I don't know how the dads do it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
She's a spin instructor that she does kind of like part-time. She likes doing that. She rides bicycle in place, which I like. And then I do. This is how we pay for her. This is how we pay for the life. It's just these comedy pods.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yes, the boys out there. Well, that's the hard part.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Come on, Ricola. Dude, the way Reed is looking at me, I feel like his next fucking victim. But I feel that's the hard part about this career now is when you have a family, kids.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm headlining Madison Square Garden September 11, 2025, New York City. That is incredible. So come on. Let's do it. 9-11, baby. I swear to God, I really am. Is it really? I'm bringing 9-11 comedy to Madison Square Garden. That's my only goal ever I've ever had in my life and career is to do Madison Square Garden. So I'm doing it September 11, 2025. It may be the last show I ever do.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
you know, because your wife, you can bring your wife with you, like what you guys have, it's beautiful, you got your wife here, but you guys had three kids, she's, you know, so you can't just be bringing the kids all the time, they're in school, there's all, like right now, it's, you know, it's just a random weekday, my kids are in school, they can't, I wish my family could come, they can't come, so...
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
That part is hard. And it's to the point where it's hard, where it's actually is getting to the point for me where it's like, is this actually what I want to do? Like, are you willing to like, you know, cause the sacrifice you have to make to like make it next, next level in comedy. I'm like, I don't know.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I don't know if I'm, if I'm, if I even want to go on a world tour or whatever, it's like, I, I think I'll, I'm the guy that I'll be happier with less. Cause I'll get to see my kids more.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, it's almost exclusively not great. Every single one of my peers that I know that have it all are angry at some, in some way, shape or form.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Here's making it for me personally. It's just very... Making it for me is... I heard Joe Rogan say this once and I was like, that is true. Making it for me are two things. One, when we go out to restaurants, me and my family, when I take my wife and kids out, they can order anything they want on the menu. They don't have to even look at anything. We just... I know that it's going to be okay.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
That's one. Two, that... i get like many many many nights and and weekends especially with my family at home where we could just like watch a movie go to the park whatever we want to do and i don't worry at all about i don't worry about anything financially like with them like because we're living within our means could i have a house twice as big
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
They said the intern in one hour found over 500 things that could be flagged. So they were like, we don't know that the networks are even going to sift through all this. So we could just move forward. And everything's great. And I was like, nice.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
technically yes but then I would have what that would cost me is having to go on the road and having to be away from them more and I'm just not willing to do that dude I love your mindset very New York mindset that's it yeah I'm trying to stay like my goal is what my money to me now I just look at them as freedom coupons 100% we talk about this all the time that's being rich that's all I am freedom freedom I'm thinking about like
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
For me, it's like, okay, you make $10 million a year. That's amazing. But if you spend $9.9 million, what are you doing? So it's like, for me, I'm like, any money that you give me, I look at it as how much I weigh it in my head. It's simple. My agent will come and say, hey, Chris, we have this, this, and this for you. And I'll say...
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
The money has to make sense for me that whatever money I make this weekend leaving my family, I can buy four weekends back with them. So if it's like, hey, come out to – hey, just fly out to – you, George. Hey, fly out to Phoenix to do my podcast. I want to. Can't do it. I'm not going to leave my family because I just – there has to be some financial reason why I'm leaving.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
If I was taking them with me, great. I'll take them with me. That's no problem. Here, I'm here in L.A. for five days because I have to promote. I have a special coming out on Hulu February 21st. It's called It's Just Unfortunate. Hulu picked one comic a month to give a Hulu special, and they picked me for Black History Month, and it's a big honor. February. It's a big honor.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
It's good to be your daughter. Yeah, it's because of my daughter, Tanisha. Shout her out. And I am her father. But I say, for times like this, I say, I have to come out here and do this because it's part of a contract. But the money that I got for the Hulu special bought me a summer with my family to stay home. Because my agent will constantly be like, don't you want to work more?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And it literally is just to show you that the terrorists did not win. And we fucking won. I brought comedy at the arena. It's great going. That's it, sir.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
We have so much opportunity for you. I'm saying, no, no, no. I have enough with the way I'm doing it. Because if I didn't have kids, sure. But what is the cost of me missing? How many swim meets do I need to miss? How many, even not even swim meets, how many homeworks? homework time at four o'clock with my daughters. Do I need to miss some? I do because it's the way the career is.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
But for me, it's like you gave, if I got like one major opportunity and I made like real money, I would absolutely step out. I have, when I mean zero, I mean fucking zero desire to be number one. I couldn't care less about being the greatest to ever do it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Shake this American hero's hand. By the way, I scanned the both of you on the Yuka app, and you're both 100 out of 100. Let's go. You're both good scores. Thank you.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
By the way, that's the best way to do it. The last thing you want to do is flash your wealth in today's society. Why would you want to do that?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
By the way, as I'm wearing an AP, let me just cover that up. But you worked hard. I did work hard. You worked hard. Hey, watch. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Yes. Talk to them. This was a gift that I bought. I've never bought myself anything. My family was like, after I sold out Radio City, which was a big New York City accomplishment. They said, you know what?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
My own wife was like, you always buy stuff for us and whatever. What about... I'm wearing fucking Old Navy Gap jeans to go do... So she's like, why don't you just buy it? And so I spoke to my accountant. I was like, what's good? He's like, honestly, a watch would be nice. And why I want you to buy a watch is because it appreciates in value. You're not buying a depreciating asset.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I don't want you to buy any depreciating assets. At least you wear this. It's like an investment. So this is for your family. Even though you're wearing it, it is for you because you'll... Keep this, and God willing, price keeps going up. And then you have it. You give everything to your kids. So that's – but other than that, yeah, it's like, you know, dude, I don't want – I work now.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I do this because I love doing it creative. I love to be creative and free. But it's really like the – The amount of things I say no to, my agent can't believe it sometimes. He's like, why? Why? I'm like, because it's not enough money to justify me missing my kids anything.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Well, it's not that it's – I mean I still value money. We need money. But I just feel like I don't need all of it. I just need enough. Like things have to be good enough. So for me, I'm like I didn't grow up with any money. If anything, I help my mom and dad now that I've made a little bit of money in my career. But I feel like I've now – I don't know. Once I had kids, I was like –
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I started listening to like every single one of my peers on podcasts or the radio. I noticed there was a common theme for people that went really far who were older. There was like, oh, you know, I would hear guys that done crazy shit in this business. Always somewhere, shape or form in some interview, they'd say, but man, I'd give half of it back. I miss my whole kid's life.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Or, you know, I'm just, I'm just reconnecting with my children now. And I'm like, I don't want to be that. I really don't want to be that. And so if there's a way that I'm trying to figure it out now, how I can, you know, get to these levels without leaving home for long periods of time. I would love to do that. I would really would, but I, you know, I'm working.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I mean, in some ways the podcast, the internet, all that stuff is giving us that, you know, like you, if you guys had kids, you could create everything you want for them and be home with them and also see them. You don't have to get on a plane to go get the, the money, which is great. That's a, that's a blessing. Freedom. I think people, that's what I think.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I mean, that is how I play with money now. It's like, is this buying me freedom or not? Yeah.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
To picture who I am physically, just think of Elliot Page. Every person who's just listening right now, they're like, okay. Yeah. On Elliot Page, if he was from New York.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
For me, I always think about, like, okay... We have a nice enough home. It really, it's nice. You'd come and you'd be like, this is a very nice, this is a nice home. It's not like in a gate. It's not behind a gate. It's not like six Maseratis in my driveway. But what we can do is we go on like vacations together. And when we go on vacations together, we'll go stay in like a beautiful resort.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
We'll all fly, you know, like a nice, sometimes we'll even go like first class if it's just like me and my wife and like one kid. We'll do it because I've saved the money because I'm not spending it all on the other stuff. So I try to think about experiences more. And that's what we do, too, even with gifts, with Christmas and their birthdays. We've moved on from the toys. We don't do that.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
We're like, what's an experience that we can try to do?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
That's what we try. And by the way, you know, and also too with the power of the internet, I know even I was just talking about this, people are going to be like, fuck you. You only talk like that now because you've made money. Fuck you. It's like, all right. You know what I mean? Does your family appreciate the sacrifice you do? I don't know. I think so. I think so.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I think that we – I think my family, we all appreciate each other, and I think that we have our problems like everybody else, but I think that – I think they do. I think my – older daughter now and my wife are more like, they feel like a little, even though we're doing good, they feel a little like, shit, they could see when I have to leave how much I really, really, really don't want to go.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And there's like these dilemmas that even my wife has brought up where she's been like, you know, like you really got to think like, is this what you want like your life to be like? I know it's fun. I know you love doing this, but like, Do you want to go on the road? And right now, I have to. I have to. Financially, I'm trying to buy that freedom. But she's like, do you want to do this?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Because when you started doing this, you didn't have a family. We were not here yet. And you've moved quick in this business. She's like, but is this actually what you want?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
That's what I'm doing. I'm in the plan right now. I'm 40. You're making the exit. I'm trying to do by 45, keep going, and then see if you can fucking buy yourself some lifetime of freedom financially. By the way, that doesn't mean stop working. I love doing comedy. I just don't want to have to do things I actually don't from the soul want to do.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, no, no. And by the way, that's what I mean. For me, it's like I don't like – I understand there's all balance. There's good things, too, about stepping away when we all give each other some space. But I think it's more like – okay, I'll only do like what I actually want to do. I want to, I'm never going to, I'm not going to stop working.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I love, I'm not just going to, I'm not the guy that just like sits home. You can't. I go run around. I do spots in New York. You just want your family near you. I just like being near them. That's all. Like right now, I'm on the other side of the country.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Huh? I like them to have the social aspect of it, playing with the other kids, hanging out.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yeah, and I don't think that's what they... Especially my older one, she is so social. I can't take her friend group away from her. She's so... But, you know, I don't... Yeah, I don't... I think everyone, you know, when you're a parent, it's like everybody's different. Everyone's got different ideas. I just love my kids.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm just like that parent where I was just like, I don't know, every... It feels like, you know... I feel happy to be almost in like fourth place in my own life where I'm just like, you know, I want my kids and family to be happy first, eat first. I feel like that's like my role. I guess I'm old school a little bit mentally because that's how my dad was.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
It's like, yeah, I'm going to provide for you. I want to help you guys. Like life is now... I need to be happy, because that transfers on to the kids, I understand that. But I'm very much like, well, whatever's best for my kids. Even when my wife would be like, what do you want to do for your birthday, my birthday? I'm like, what do the kids want to do?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Whatever the kids want to do, that's the only way I'm going to be happy. I'm not going to do something that I want them. What do they want to do?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, my parents were divorced. They were nice people, but they weren't, not necessarily.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I think so. Like, it's something like I noticed, it's funny you bring that up because I was the other day, I was thinking about this and I was noticing like how much I say to my kids, like, I love you. And I'll like hug them and kiss them. And my mom always says, love you. And I've always been like, I wonder if my mom actually loves me or not.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And she doesn't even mean it because she's just from another generation to say love you. Or even, or she rarely even says it. And I'm like, And I was like, huh, there's been so many years of my life where I've just been subconsciously like, I don't know if my mom loves me. And then so I think now me subconsciously, I'm like, I tell my kids I love them like too much almost where they're like, stop.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Well, I know how it was. Her mom died when she was young, and her father left the family when she was, like, five.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
She gave me the best she could, and she's very religious. She's, like, hardcore, like, Catholic. Like, real deal. Like, doesn't miss church every single day. It's like, are you praying? Are you thanking God for this and that? I'm like... 100%. 100%, ma.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No. Unfortunately, I should try to do it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yeah, because I noticed, too, like even now, like when my mom wants to like FaceTime or whatever, my kids are like very much like they love her, but they're very much like, I don't want to talk. I don't want that. It's like they're like.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Exactly. Because like with me, with like my immediate family, like we're all like love, kisses, like all that. But with the grandparents get involved, they're much different. And I'm like, huh, I wonder if that's – you're right. You got to just hug it out. Sometimes you got to just hug it out, dude. You need to get a love. And kids feel that. Like kids know.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yeah, and I think too, like... Also, now I've gotten older to say like, well, my mom and dad, there were things that I would be like, I just didn't like about them. And I'd be like, oh, this sucks, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, wait, wait, wait, but I'm happy with my life and my family.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So like, why don't I try to, you know, like bring them into my world and like, you know, they can be like as happy hopefully as me because they just live very, very different lives than I have. Like they both come from very different childhoods, very different experiences, very grew up very poor. So that's a good point. I've only recently started thinking about how can I?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
They've helped me so much. Now I'm at a point where I can help them more than money, not about money, like other ways.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Sorry about that. I don't mean to disrespect you.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Oh yeah. That's, that's kind of why I'm playing Madison square garden on September 11th because the I have a comedy bit on YouTube called my 9-11 story, Chris Estefano's 9-11 story. And my dad on 9-11 just came into, I got into a fight because I thought my mom died in the World Trade Center. We got into all boy Catholic high school.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Dude, we got to go to Iraq. You and I got to go to Iraq. Dude, that was... This is where I fucking... We strive. Let's do it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
That's literally my life. It's saying too much on stage or on a podcast, getting a call from a family member, getting yelled at, apologizing, saying, can I give you free tickets to the show? Do you want to go to dinner? Love you. I don't know what to do. But that literally is a part of my life where I'm like, how do I...
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
do my comedy, which is always about like, you know, my experiences and a lot of times talking about my family, but also not embarrass them and protect them and all that. And it's a difficult thing. I know even like my kids, like I talk about my kids, but I try, like, I'm not going to be the guy that does a bit about, you know, My daughter's first period or something. I just won't do it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm just like, I'm not going to do something that could potentially embarrass them down the line. Some of the things I've already said and done will. I can't get around it. It's the internet. It's there forever. But I'm trying, moving forward, to be like, how can I... share stuff, funny stuff that is relatable, but not embarrass them or embarrass myself in the future.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
But it's hard because I've just said, I've shot from the hip for so long that there's so much shit I've said. Like I've said so much shit that even like I have a sitcom right now in development, right? With a network, whatever, cool. And I've told them and I've told my agent, I'd be like, the amount of things that I've said Like, publicly, it's fucking crazy. It's all been in the name of comedy.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
But, like, it's crazy how many things I've said. And they were like, okay, we'll look into it. And then they had an intern look into it. And then I was figuring they're going to take the sitcom away from me, which is like, fine, I'll just talk about it on my podcast. And they said there's actually... They believe that this network said that they're going to move forward with the show.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
You know, hopefully it gets on the air. But they were like... you've said so many things that we actually think they all cancel each other out and there's nothing really to pin it on. So we actually kind of feel like we're safe here. It would be worse if it was just kept digging. They said, we found, they said the intern in one hour found over 500 things that could be flagged.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So they were like, we don't know that the networks or the powers that be are even going to sift through all this. So we could just move forward and everything's great. And I was like, nice. They were like, so that's the way to do it. Because you can't, you know what I mean? That's the thing with me is I've never, I've never come out publicly and said that I'm anything that I'm not.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Fucking, this kid started laughing at me, broke a chair over his head.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Like I've never been a clean comic or a guy that's like Mr. Guru teaches. I've told you from the beginning, like this is, I'm a fucking wild guy. So it's like anything you say, I'm like.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm like, yeah. Like anything somebody would bring up, they'd be like, yeah, yeah.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yes, yes, it's, I have had multiple, you know, mainly with like my wife, you know, like where I've said, like I've went too far, like, you know, talked about, not even about her, but like I've talked about like my ex or I've talked about like sex stuff or whatever. And she's like, you know, like started yelling at me.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And then it got like the one time, cause she would yell at me, like she yells at me or whatever. And she would just like, I would just get screamed at. I'm just used to it. And then, and then, And then, but one time she was like, and this really stuck with me. She was like, I made some like hypersexual joke. And then it was, we had our both daughters, but the older one was like seven.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And she was like, you know, now, like, like tomorrow, your daughter is old enough that these kids, some of them have phones. Okay. It, they see that bit on TikTok, seven, eight year old kid doesn't know how to process that, they're gonna start making, they're gonna start asking your daughter questions, and it's your fault.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So like, they're not baby, she's not a baby anymore, she is our baby, but she's old enough, and also the parents. What about some of the goody-two-shoe parents who hear this comedy and think it's crude, they're going to not let our daughter hang out because of your fucking shows. And I said, well, I'll give the parents fucking tickets to the show. I'll give them free shit.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Well, because he was laughing at me, but I literally was so upset because I thought my mom was dead, so my emotions just flipped.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, that was one of the fucking crazy, when they told me that, I was like, oh my God. Because that is the one good thing about, not the one, there's many good things I'm grateful about, but with our career specifically on the internet, when the power of our career is in the hands of our fans, there's almost nothing they can take from us. Like a network can take from you.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
You have a deal with Celsius. They could take from you. But when the fans are the ones generating your life, they're your fans. Unless you disrespect them. Unless you're an actual fucking criminal. Unless you've done something that's truly like you're a criminal, then I understand. But if you're just saying...
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I think it's a case by case basis too. It's like, because like Joe Coy and his son, like beautiful relationship. And Joe's one of the best to ever do it. I mean, you want to talk about being at the top, he's at the top. And so, and so So those but and they have a special thing.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
What I recognize with my family, I brought certain family members out like, you know, like we talk about them on a podcast or stand up and then actually bring the physical people out and it was fun. But then I realized, like, you know, I've been doing this for a long time, like 15 years. So I've gotten used to.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Spur of the moment. Not really a fighter. But in that moment, things got wild. Hit him. Big problem at all-boy Catholic high school. I mean, you would get detention if you had a top button unbuttoned in your shirt. They'd give you detention. So now I just put a kid in a coma. So this is no bueno as my Spanish-speaking audience. And so I thought I was going to get thrown out. So I call my father.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
you know, when a fan recognizes you or like being in this business, the ups and downs where it's like, you just take someone, pluck them off the street, then you put them on stage. And then all of a sudden, you know, you got 2000 people like scream, they want their autograph and all that stuff. Their psyche is like, oh, wait, like this is my life. I'm famous now. And then they want more. No way.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
They want more from you. Then they want. Oh, so this affected you. Then it messes their brain up. Yeah. And then it messes their brain up. Then they start to get depressed. How come I don't have that? Hey, hey, you're only sold those tickets because you put my, you said I was going to be there. How come I don't get money from that? Whoa.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So then it's a learning lesson, too, where it's like, okay, okay, okay.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Because for me, I'm like, I'm all about, like, dude, I'm just... Dividing it. Shoot from the hip, and everyone's having fun. We're in this together. Take care of everybody. But then you realize, like, not everyone is like that. And this business has a lot of nefarious shit going on in it. So you're like, okay, like, also, too, fame has become, because of, you know...
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
It's because... It's not... What is fame? It's... Oversaturated. Yeah, it's... Well, it's just... Everybody's a network. Everybody's famous. Everybody has a movie production studio in their pocket. So it's like, what does that mean? Like, so people recognize you as fame now? What is it? Like... So for me, it's like the fame is not what I care about. I mean, I put out four comedy specials.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm like trying to do this comedy and people will be like, aren't you that guy from TikTok? That's what you get diluted down to. And it's fine. It's just what is the medium that's being consumed today. But I'm like, there's no... It's not... Frank Sinatra was famous because it's like you couldn't... You saw him in the street. It was a moment. Now...
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Again, I feel grateful and blessed, but it's like, you get recognized in the street. It's like, you're probably the 10th recognizable person that person saw that day because everybody's famous from their living room. It doesn't matter. So for me, it's like the creative part of it is what's important.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
The joke writing, the, you know, I know like crowd specifically with standup crowd work is everything now. And crowd work is great. I do it, but I, we take the pride on, but can you write the material? That's what makes us stand out creatively. Won't sell as many tickets as the crowd work guys. No way. Cause that is,
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
supercharged right now and it's and i understand and thank god because that's what we're doing on tour next 100 and i do it too in the live shows i'll do it but the creative thing for me like war stand-ups like little badge of honor is like can you write the new hour can you write the material yeah because it's as many ways it's the art of it yeah and i'm not saying there's no art to you know being like you're fucking sure you're obsessed with the craft of stand-up
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Right. So that's, but that's me specifically, you know? So like, but I get the audience. You also though, like in standup specifically, it's like, you can't get too far into the weeds. It's like, okay, I can write this well-crafted joke and it'll make my comedy peers laugh. But if the majority of the public is like, that's over my head and I don't understand that.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Why can't you just make fun of my father? Cause he's fat. Then I'll just have to balance that a little bit. Go back and forth. Yeah. Just call someone.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, I just slowly pulled it away and slowly pulled it back.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
that's why I brought it up too. Cause we talked about bringing the kids on stage, how Joe Coy brings his son on stage and he gets adoration. That's beautiful. And that might work specifically for them. But I know me, if I brought my daughters out there, I don't talk about them. I've never posted pictures of them or anything.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I, and if I talk about them, it's never really, it's very frequently by name, but don't post pictures of them. Nobody really knows what they look like. Um, But I would feel like, yes, they're going to get this like unearned like power now. That's not – that's just dangerous. Like my daughter wants a YouTube. She wants to be on YouTube. And I'm like – we gave her YouTube, but it's private.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
It's just like for us, you know, like she can – I want her to creatively get out there. But I can't just let her go out and just do – I don't know that that, so far, all of us in this content world, I don't know that we have the case studies yet to see how this ends. Does this end well?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And my dad's like, you know, real deal New York guy. And I say I got thrown out of school. And he was like, no, you didn't. And I'm like, you didn't even hear what I said. He goes, I'm just fucking telling you, you didn't get thrown out. It's just not happening. And so I was like, okay. So I tell him, he's like, I'm coming down there. So he comes down. We're in the principal's office.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
When you make your whole life content, I understand the financial gain and I understand people are doing great at it. I really do. I'm not even judging them.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I just heard a person that I work with say that what they've done now is the kids, and I like this. I'm going to try to implement this at home. They're doing exercise with their kids for the iPad. So if they want to sit on the iPad for 20 minutes, they have to exercise for 20 minutes. Oh, that's smart. I like that. So I'm like, nice.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So the more they exercise, the more that they'll give them time with the iPad as a reward if they want that. But it caps at 60 minutes, which I like.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I think, too, I saw something, and this was interesting. I think that things are cyclical and going back. Like, you see, I saw that. What's the generation? I'm Generation X, and then is it Generation Z? Who's, like, the 20-year-old kids now?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm a millennial. You're not a millennial. I am. I'm 40. I'm a millennial. I'm 40.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
26. So what's the one right below you? Is that Gen Z?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Kids right now, kids right now, 18 to 25, 26, say, I just saw a study like today that said that they are now more inclined to want to get married and do things traditional way as opposed to the generation just 10 years older than them. Let's go. Who are like all about no marriage. You know, we want only fans. We want to be sexually free and all that. Garbage. It's changing now.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
It's changing now a little bit because I think what I think is these kids who have grown up and have seen their parents go through like I'm 40. Imagine someone's 40, a little even bit older going through their kids might be 18, 19 now. And they saw like mom and dad, like really go through a lot of stress because of this content, this never ending stress. thing because of this hypersexualization.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And my dad's just like, my son didn't do anything. And they're like, we literally have footage of him hitting a kid over the head with a chair. And he's like, no, he didn't. There's no evidence. He's like, it's not a court of law. So finally, he says to him, he goes, listen to me. You're not throwing my kid out of school. He's like, because... It's 9-11. It was a tragedy at the moment.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So I, and again, this is not a, this is not everybody. I'm just saying like these studies are saying percentages of people now are going back to the more traditional thing. You even saw it politically where it's like when I was growing up, if you were in college, everybody was liberal. Like you had to be liberal. Nobody, nobody would ever say that they're, and now it's flipped.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Now you go to these colleges, they're proudly conservative. I know why.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
religion was up, like really up the height, science was down because they would, no science. So then when it flip, when science is through the roof and religion is down, godless, moralist society. So there's gotta be, hopefully we can reach like the balance where like science and religion are kind of right here.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
That's the thing is like when you get too religious, then you start to get burned at the stake. People think you're a witch because you have your period. You know what I mean? Like that, that's real. That happened in our society.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I mean, dude, things are... I saw this once, too, and it's always stuck with me because of how quickly this ride we're on now in the time we live in. If you pluck someone out of, call it the 1500s, and you pluck them back in 200 years later in the 1700s, their world, their life would look relatively the same. Definitely some advancements, but not crazy.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Like, still relatively wearing the same clothes, getting their water and meat kind of the same way, living in their villages relatively the same. Maybe the structures look a little bit different, a little bit more advanced. But now, if you pluck someone out... from 1995 and you put them in 2025, just 30 years, they wouldn't even know what to do.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
They would have no idea what, they might not survive. They would have no idea. That's a fear of mine. Because of how fast we're going. No, no, no.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Well, you know what's funny? I had a relative who did 30 years in prison. 3-0, right? So that's real. That's real fucking time.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So that happened on 9-11. My dad comes to the principal's office like two, three days later because all of New York City shut down. So he's like, you know, 9-11, this is the biggest tragedy. Kid thought his mom was dead. Saw the fucking kids laughing at him. What would you do? The principal's a priest. What the fuck would you do? And he's like, well, I'm a man of God. I wouldn't do it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Not really in their head. No, I mean, yeah, in some ways. You're trying to like dive through. No, no, because I got another family member who's like worse. But no, so yeah, so T.T. Jerry. That's who, you know, she was on the show a lot. And, you know, my wife's uncle. And she's trans. So she, but anyway, but she was like, you know, she said this to me and I was like, this is interesting.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
She was like, you know, when I went to jail 30 years ago, I was trans, right? She was like, and it was like unheard of. I was the only person in the wing of it. She was like, and then throughout the 30 years, it became so many, like more and more trans people coming in. And she was like, maybe that's because like things are just freer outside. I don't know.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
She was like, but by the time I left prison, there was an entire section of trans people in prison with me where I was the only one. Then I'm talking, she was like, there was like maybe 200 people. trans people in the, like, it was a real thing. Like everyone coming in was trans. And she was like, so, but she was like, but that's just one thing I noticed.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
She's like, the second thing I noticed is when I went into prison 30 years ago, maybe one guard would get into like an altercation with an inmate a year, like one, maybe two. Like, she's like, when it became, when I left every single month, multiple guards were getting sent to the hospital because of how aggressive the population was outside these walls. She was like, so I noticed how,
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
maybe this sense of freedom. Cause you know, she was like, you know, you're in, you don't have to be, go to school to like, she's very intuitive. So she was like, you know, just sit in a cell and think all day. She was like, you know, she said, I noticed that people must be really free out there because everyone's coming in trans and living their truth. If that's what they want, whatever.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
She was like, But then I also noticed how aggressive they were. Like everybody's angry. She was like, cause I feel like there's no rules out there anymore. And this is from prison. She was like, I felt like, so I'm going to the godless. She was like, I felt like there's no rules. You've let everyone do everything's okay and everybody's mad. So I was like, interesting.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I was like, well, you're going to hell cause you're trans. Just kidding. That is very interesting.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
you know what? Is that a time? Another just fucking luck of the draw at a time when you would get like 10 years, 15 years for like grand larceny for you. So she's in prison. She stole something. I forgot. But anyway, it was over $10,000 and they just gave you 10 years. Like they wouldn't do that today. You wouldn't even go to prison today, but 10 years.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And then within the prison, when she was there, fight, fighting, fighting, fighting, dealing with shit. And then they would just keep giving her five years, five years, five years. So as opposed to if she was,
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
born you know today she was whatever she was 19 years old i think when she went into prison she was 19 years old today that first she would just be out in a week you know but back then it was like you just there's people just tell me there's somebody there was somebody in her prison that is serving life in prison for selling weed
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
They have life. They are not getting out.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'd pray for his sins. He's like, all right, so fuck it. I didn't know you were gay. Sorry, I was a gay principal. But he goes, you know, my son, you're not going to throw him out. He goes, here's what we're going to do. Because the principal was like not budging. And my father was finally like, listen, all right? He was like pissing him off. He goes, here's what we're going to do.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Dude, what's worse is fucking sugar. The people who sold you that muffin should go to jail. Can I have the other half?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Let me try a nut guy. I love a little nuts.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Hilarious if it happened... What... Well, here's what I love. Like, one thing I love in history is how nowadays... Nowadays, like, you know, they're fighting these wars with drones and all that. But like back just like a couple hundred years ago, like the Revolutionary War, you would fight the war based off the weather.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So like you could win or lose like your country based off if it was like cloudy or not. So like there was a battle. I swear to God, there was like you could literally like be storming a city.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
right right well that world war ii too hitler i'm sorry world war ii he tried to invade russia in the middle of the winter fucking dumb asshole dude that's correct how funny bro he did all of that and the cold beat him they were like the german did you ever see like that like there's like you know transcripts of like the german high command telling them don't do it like we should not this is not good
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
We should... This is what? Russia in the winter, what? No. They're saying, this is... No. And then he was like... They just went. And then the Russian army... You know what's fucking wild? Joseph Stalin, the leader of Russia at that time, he was like, look... They were going through like this big open field, like 100 miles of field in Russia.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And they were like, everyone, you know, Russia had their tanks set up, whatever. So Stalin was like, just tell the people to move back because they had a head start. Tell them to move back like 30 miles. Only soldiers are going to die. They're not going to be able at all. To survive it. No.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And then what all they did is they took when they were moving back, they just took hoses and sprinklers and they just wet the ground. And then the entire German thing was just on ice and everybody was dying. And they were like, you know, they fucking covered one lake up with snow and then they just all through it. Yeah. They're just like the winter. The weather is our weapon.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Where now that wouldn't matter, right? Now they're making weather.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yeah. So they... But like... Dude, that's so funny. There was a battle of... In the Revolutionary War, it was called the Battle of Brooklyn, right? August, like 1776. And... We were going to lose. The full colonial continental army, we were fucked. Like, the British had us surrounded in New York, Brooklyn area. Completely, George Washington was there.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Like, it was going to take 90% of the army, and then there would be no America. It would just be British subjects. So they're like, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? And then all of a sudden these clouds roll over the bay, the Hudson Bay of New York. And so George Washington is like, okay, what we're going to do is we're going to get in boats.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
like in the middle of the night because they can't see. The British now can't see us because we're covered in fog, and we're just going to go across, take this entire army across the river and get up to New Jersey and basically run away and live to fight another day and regroup, and that's what happened. If that weather pattern wouldn't have come in, the British soldiers would have just seen.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
He goes, I'm going to give you two options right now. And the second option sucks for you. He goes, the first option, just put my kid back in school. No problems. He goes, the second option, I'm going to come over there. I'm going to break both your kneecaps. He goes... And guys will say that, but then when he's followed it up with, you're going to think that I heard that line in the movie.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
What they did is they had the American colonists just had a few guys standing around, walking around to make the British think like, oh, They're good, but those clouds were all down, and they were like, no, we can't – because the fog was there. The British soldiers thought the whole army was there.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
They couldn't go anywhere because they thought they were seeing them, but they were all going out boat by boat and saved – the whole army got saved by the weather.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm telling you 100% that Jesus Christ himself is an American citizen because not only did he do the weather to save us, but he put oceans on either side of us to protect us. Could you imagine if we were on Europe? Jesus doesn't love Europe. He's got every, all the countries that they're together is always infighting. You can't do that.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Jesus literally specifically was like, this is my favorite country. I'm putting the Atlantic and the Pacific Osh on either side. That's protecting us. I believe that. Anyone who says Jesus is not an American citizen is a fucking crazy. You're an infidel. That's what I believe. Dude, there's so many history battles. Just the wind.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Do you know how many times a fucking boat, like a wooden boat was coming down the river and then the wind just stopped blowing and they're just stuck? Oh my gosh.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Their whole army just, you know, like they completely break the element of surprise where like they're trying to get there to like kill the soldiers and then everyone just wakes up and there's just an enemy boat in the middle of the water. That's so funny. Just like assholes just sitting there.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Or I remember the British, another one, the British Army was coming down the water in New York in the Redcoats in the 1700s. And the American Army was on either side. And then the British Army was coming on their boats. And we were shooting cannons at them. And the cannonballs just couldn't reach. Yeah. So the British people were just like, good job, assholes.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
As the cannonballs were falling like 20 feet away, they were like, we're just going to continue going and kill all of you now. We're like, that just wouldn't happen today. Like you would just be able to figure it out. But there they were like, the wind wasn't blowing hard enough. So the cannons were like, fuck. And they can't move them any closer. They're already at the edge.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So they would just have to be like, all right, well, I guess we're going to get killed then.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I have to go to Bert and Tom's podcast.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Somalia, the nation of Somalia, a big, not a big part, a part of their like economy or like criminal, like how the, you know, South American countries have cartels. They have pirates. And what they will do is they will go, you'll be, you know, near Somalia or a coast of Africa somewhere, you know, some ship, any country, their goods taken there.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
whatever they're packing, and Somalian pirates will come on little boats, like motorized boats with fucking machine guns, and steal your shit.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
He goes, but I'm one of the guys they write the movies about. He goes, so I will call 911 right now. This is a direct quote. He goes, I will call 911 right now. I will tell them what I'm about to do to you, and then I'll fucking do it. He goes, I'll give them my address, my social security number, whatever you want.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Captain Phillips. You ever seen the movie Captain Phillips? Look at me. I'm your captain now. You ever seen that? No. That's it. Go watch Captain Phillips. And it's all about pirates. Tom Hanks is Captain Phillips. This is a real story. This guy, Captain Phillips, got... He was an American... boat captain and Somalian pirates came on board and basically were trying to steal his stuff.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
He fought back. He was somehow able to alert the, the U S like, I think there were Navy seals and the way, and they, but then they had captain Phillips hostage. So the Navy seals came in like the middle of the night on these boats and they're fucking, you know, crazy.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And they were, they like at the same time, I think they had one Navy seal like floating in the water, one of them on a boat and one of them somewhere else. And they like at the same time,
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
killed all three pirates like one of the pirates had a gun to captain phillips's head in real life and the navy seal from the water like bobbing up and down just perfect strike to the to the pirate's head and just it was like crazy dude that's so crazy how great are we dude anybody who thinks we're not number one is out of their fucking minds when i start to listen to people say that other countries are even remotely close i'm like all right what
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
We have fucking Jesus on our side, A. B, we have the Navy SEALs. We have Elon Musk.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, no, no. Here's the thing. That's what I think. Here's the thing. It's like what we put into our military, every other nation in the world combined doesn't put what we put into the military. It's like the shark tank. You know, like all the millionaires. Mark Cuban has more money than all the other sharks put together. We're Mark Cuban. Mark just goes on the show for fun. He's just fun.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
But if you literally do the math, he has more money than the other sharks put together. That's our military. Now, I'm not a part of it. I'm too scared. I have eczema and psoriasis and other ailments that I can't be a part of the Army. And I'll keep them loose. I'll keep the soldiers loose. I'll fluff with jokes. But that's it. I'm not going to go to war. I have daughters.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
They're not going to go to war. So do I worry about war? No. I also think with war nowadays, it'll just be over like that. And we'll be good to go. And I don't think it's going to I don't think we'll feel it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
But I also think if we go to war, we are you're sitting, you know, like when you learn about like the warmongering like Genghis Khan and the warmongers and the Mongols and the, you know, Mohawk Native Americans, those and that's like, oh, the war clan. That's what we are. The United States is the war clan. So we're just... We're the war clan. I'm not a warrior. I'm a woman to them.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
He goes, because I'd rather go to jail for the rest of my life than you throw him out and me have to listen to his mother's fucking mouth for the rest of my life. I don't need to hear that lady bitch to me about how my kid got thrown out of school. He goes, so I'll literally, I'd rather be in prison with my friends than have to deal with his mother's mouth.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I'm a woman doing the dishes. But we are... This is the war country.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I think it's going to be all tech. I think most of it... I mean, they just put a fucking laser on one of these ships. Did you see? It's like the first laser that's in use as a weapon. So like, what are you going to do now? We have lasers. Now we have Jesus and lasers. I mean, how? What?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
What are you going to do, China? What do you have, Teemu? Dude, we have Jesus and lasers. Shut up. Oh, Russia, stop it. Just stop it. You can't be Ukraine. We got fucking lasers.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yes, that's what they said, Russia, Ukraine. Well, we'll see. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say why things are getting better.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Well, that's going to come back. I'm going to bring my family to Phoenix. I would love that. And we're going to do ayahuasca. I don't love that. All right, we'll do peyote. Okay. I don't do drugs or alcohol, really. Well, imagine if you did. Wouldn't that be nuts? I would do them, though. I think you would just turn invisible. I would do that. I would try it, by the way. I would try.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I would try a drug. I don't need to right now, but I would in my life. Don't do it.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
What am I going to say? What am I going to say to you guys? Well, I appreciate it. Um, if you want to, you know, you thought this was wild. If you want to hear like me fully, like I'm talking about out of my mind, out of control, go to patreon.com slash history hyenas. I have a history podcast with my good friend, Giannis Pappas, where we combine humor and history. And I love that.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I mean, the things that we say though, like if the network ever found the Patreon, then we'd be in trouble. Then, then I think they'd be like, okay, we can't now we can't do this one. patreon.com slash history hyenas. Come see me at Madison Square Garden, September 11, 2025. All my dates, christycomedy.com. And yeah, whatever you guys want to do, man.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I just, I mean, you know, in closing, what can I say? Give us Greenland or we kill you.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So when you break it down like that, the principal is like, okay, well, he's back in school. And then I just got back into high school, man. And I had detention before and after school for like the whole year, but that's it. I was good. And my dad was like, his kid's back in. And yeah, that's just how my dad would do shit. He's not like that anymore, but when I was in high school.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
He's relaxed now. But when I was in high school, I mean, the guy just went wild. That's what it is.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
So that's why you can come see. And I'm going to tell that story at the Garden, September 11th, 2025. That was a great story.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Hell yeah, dude. That's what it is. Get me some muffins. I love it. I love sweets.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And I have a whole, it's like expanded. I have a whole bit, you know, obviously, you know. You just got the glimpse.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
You just got the little glimpse, yeah.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
That was edging. I'm edging, you guys. I'm going to fully come on stage at Madison Square Garden. I'm just, you know, I'm sorry. Congrats on your marriage.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yes. Oh, dude, shout out. Shout out Jesus Christ all f***ing day. Okay. In the Great War, you show me, I mean, dude, listen. What the Paul brothers, listen, these guys, the Paul brothers, anyone who does these fights, they need to do Jesus Christ versus Allah, and we'll see what's up. You're going for it. I'm just saying.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
First of all, give my man the muffins. Give me the muffin, dude. Get the fuck... Dude, I'm not eating a muffin wrapped in plastic. Why would you just lie to him? Show me this fucking muffin. Look at this. Wrapped in plastic. What the... Is this wrapped in plastic right now?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Oh, my God. Look, let me give it a taste. Now, this is the Asian... This is a Chinese fucking... Whoa, look at that. This is a Chinese muffin that reads just... Washington Reed. Reed, by the way, Reed told me... He was born and raised in Washington. Then he lived in Oregon and one of those other Pacific Northwest states. You're a fucking serial killer. Only serial killers live in those places.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I don't hate L.A. I don't hate L.A. I'm happy that it's an American state and part of the continental United States.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
He looks like a very, very nice guy, but he showed it to Ted Bundy.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
You have hair like a bob. You have hair like a 16th century knight. You know what I mean? Like Lancelot. I like it, though, dude. It's good. Very medieval.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
It's nice. It's very heroin-y. I don't know. But, dude, congrats on your mountain. Thank you, dude. I appreciate for giving me half a fucking plastic wrap muffin from a Chinese deli off the side of the highway in L.A. I thought I was a guest.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I do. I go to England, right? But it's like, you know, I don't want to go to Dubai. You know what I mean? Why? I just don't want to go. Because it's like, you know what I mean? If I'm going to see sand and $2,000 glasses of wine, I'll just go to Vegas. I don't understand why I have to go all over the fucking world. It doesn't make sense to me. Why?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I do. I appreciate it. But, I mean, this is great. I mean, marrying a fucking two hotties. Look at this. Yeah, thank you. Appreciate it. And that was peace in the Middle East, man. Iraq and America, we've come together as friends. You know, this is what happens. I appreciate that. Me too.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Listen, and things have changed now, because I remember back then on 9-11 when the whites, when we would have our meetings, the white meetings, we just were scared, we were nervous, and we thought you guys were the enemy. But now when we have the meetings with the whites, we know that you guys are our friends and the Chinese are our enemies. Yeah.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
No, but they weren't doing that. That's because you were coming into school with C4 trapped to your chest.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
You weren't coming in? Oh, I thought you were coming in with fucking bombs on. No, no, no. You're like, oh, it's racist. Fucking guys just sitting with a detonator in every class.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Dude, I got to be honest with you, dude. I got closer to myself. I got to be honest with you, dude. You do look like, and I'm sure you've thought this in your family, so you do look like hot Jesus. Dude, dude. No, I'm being dead serious. Like if Jesus, what we've said Jesus, if you look at Jesus, old paintings of him, he kind of looks like
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Obviously, they used to paint him white, blonde hair, blue eyes. I mean, they used to paint him like he used to look like your wife when they used to paint him. And then just like this beautiful white figure. It's like a trans. They used to paint like a trans figure.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Because here's the thing, dude. Because you're just saying that. I'm just like. Because here's the thing. First of all, I got scripture and I got crosses tattooed on my body. So you think you're going to go to heaven and be like, no, I'm part of you. I'm a soldier in the army of God. This is not prison, bro.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
St. Peter knows what's up. I'm a soldier in the army of God. And I just feel that why Jesus wants us down here to just be us. He knows that, listen, I'm doing the right thing every day. I'm going to church. I'm taking, you know, I do the right thing by everybody. Treat everyone with kindness. Love everybody. You know, give everybody a little just soft kisses on the forehead. Just like this.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
I do that. I'm nice to people. You know, I try to, you know, I give back. I volunteer my time. So I do the things I need to do. And then I think because of that, I get rewarded by Jesus says, like, just go. You know, I'm like John the Baptist. I just go and I go out there and I just preach the word and I baptize people with my comedy and I will eventually be beheaded.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Why do I need to go do a show in Iceland, even though it's nice? You know what I mean? But your fans are out there. Yeah, but I want to stay in the original 13 colonies. I'm an American. The founding fathers, when they talked about this country, it was the 13 colonies. And I still hold that up. Whatever the founding fathers wanted, that's what I do. That's what I thought being American was.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
so what brought you let's roll back here you know what brought you back to your faith what was that moment where you're like oh wow like this is my connecting moment with God um I when I had kids when I when I had my first daughter it's the first daughter when I first daughter is I started to think about it like a little bit more like hmm I should probably reconnect and because I was just 20 years of just an you know absolute pagan and so I was just like I can't
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
do that. And then, and then, but it didn't initially do it. And then when I had my second daughter, I was like, okay, now God more. Yes. Now, now, well, cause my first daughter was black. And so, and so, so, but my wife is white for both of them. So that was just, I don't know how that happened, but it happened.
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
And I love my child children and they just look different, but wait, this is, this is the joke, right?
The George Janko Show
The Chris Distefano Interview | EP. 101
Yes, my oldest daughter. But it's not because it is my child biologically. It's just my wife, she just has a condition. Not a condition, you know, but she's black. So your wife is black? No, my wife is white, Puerto Rican. But my first child is black. And it's just, I think you got Steve Nash. It just, it just happened. My second daughter is half white Puerto Rican.