Chris Distefano

Hey guys, I'm Chris DeCifenu, as Ronnie said, a.k.a. Chrissy the American. And if you're like me, you love having opinions on things that you don't know anything about. Like, for example, there's no way childbirth is that bad, right? I mean, we have Tylenol. See? It's easy, Ronnie. So today, we're going to go through some of the world's biggest problems to find out if Chrissy can solve them.

Hey guys, I'm Chris DeCifenu, as Ronnie said, a.k.a. Chrissy the American. And if you're like me, you love having opinions on things that you don't know anything about. Like, for example, there's no way childbirth is that bad, right? I mean, we have Tylenol. See? It's easy, Ronnie. So today, we're going to go through some of the world's biggest problems to find out if Chrissy can solve them.

Hit me!

Hit me!

Tariffs. I have to be honest. I have no idea what a tariff is. I really don't. And don't pretend you do either, babes. And unless you went to, like, Hofstra University or one of the fancy ones. But I couldn't get in. When I first saw the word tariff, I thought it was a Dune character. I was like, yes, tariff will lead the sand people to freedom. I'm in.

Tariffs. I have to be honest. I have no idea what a tariff is. I really don't. And don't pretend you do either, babes. And unless you went to, like, Hofstra University or one of the fancy ones. But I couldn't get in. When I first saw the word tariff, I thought it was a Dune character. I was like, yes, tariff will lead the sand people to freedom. I'm in.

But listen, apparently that's not what tarifs are. It's, yeah, it's a tax on imports. And that sounds bad, because America imports everything. I'm pretty sure the only thing America makes are the Real Housewives. And those ladies are 50% plastic, so I don't even know if that counts. I mean, where does plastic come from? I honestly don't know, but it feels Chinese.

But listen, apparently that's not what tarifs are. It's, yeah, it's a tax on imports. And that sounds bad, because America imports everything. I'm pretty sure the only thing America makes are the Real Housewives. And those ladies are 50% plastic, so I don't even know if that counts. I mean, where does plastic come from? I honestly don't know, but it feels Chinese.

Anyway, if you're going to have a war, a trade war is probably better than like a war war. You know what I mean? Like with guys and women, obviously, you know, they kill each other, too. Ladies, my Gramps was in a war war. He was crawling through the mud dodging bullets in Okinawa. Now I'm just paying 80 cents more for guac. But hey, we're still both heroes.

Anyway, if you're going to have a war, a trade war is probably better than like a war war. You know what I mean? Like with guys and women, obviously, you know, they kill each other, too. Ladies, my Gramps was in a war war. He was crawling through the mud dodging bullets in Okinawa. Now I'm just paying 80 cents more for guac. But hey, we're still both heroes.

I'm going to go ahead and call this one solved. Next topic.

I'm going to go ahead and call this one solved. Next topic.

Immigration. Everyone, buckle up. Everyone, please stop saying there are two sides to this issue. We have to have a country with laws. The border should at least be as secure as the deodorant at CVS. If you want to get in, you have to hit a button and wait for ICE to come unlock the wall. But listen, that being said, we also have to celebrate legal immigrants. That's right.

Immigration. Everyone, buckle up. Everyone, please stop saying there are two sides to this issue. We have to have a country with laws. The border should at least be as secure as the deodorant at CVS. If you want to get in, you have to hit a button and wait for ICE to come unlock the wall. But listen, that being said, we also have to celebrate legal immigrants. That's right.

Even though I look like the fire chief of Ronkonkoma, my wife and kids are Puerto Rican. Hola. So, yeah. So I know how it feels when people hate on the Latino community. What's up, dad? Look, the reality is this. Immigrants can make our country better. For instance, our soccer team has never won a single World Cup. It's embarrassing.

Even though I look like the fire chief of Ronkonkoma, my wife and kids are Puerto Rican. Hola. So, yeah. So I know how it feels when people hate on the Latino community. What's up, dad? Look, the reality is this. Immigrants can make our country better. For instance, our soccer team has never won a single World Cup. It's embarrassing.

How about free green cards to anyone who can make a penalty kick? Right? It's a good idea. That's what I thought. I mean, let's get it done. Vamanosotros or whatever. I'm not, it's hard for me to learn Spanish. That's for my wife and kids to talk shit about me. I mean, crap. Sorry, mommy.

How about free green cards to anyone who can make a penalty kick? Right? It's a good idea. That's what I thought. I mean, let's get it done. Vamanosotros or whatever. I'm not, it's hard for me to learn Spanish. That's for my wife and kids to talk shit about me. I mean, crap. Sorry, mommy.

As you can see, I actually know what I'm talking about on this subject because like I said, I not only have a Puerto Rican family, but I'm also from Queens, the most diverse community in America. And yeah, right? And look, hey, look how I turned out. I'm only kind of racist.

As you can see, I actually know what I'm talking about on this subject because like I said, I not only have a Puerto Rican family, but I'm also from Queens, the most diverse community in America. And yeah, right? And look, hey, look how I turned out. I'm only kind of racist.