The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
Thu, 27 Mar 2025
Ronny Chieng dives into the churn of Signal-gate as Pete Hegseth downplays the war chat, Michael Waltz makes excuses, and journalist Jeffrey Goldberg releases texts. Chris Distefano jumps in to solve America's issues, from export tariffs to immigration to DOGE cuts to Canada and Greenland sovereignty. Comedian and actor Steve Coogan joins Ronny Chieng to discuss his expansive career and new film, “The Penguin Lessons.” They talk about their experiences at Edinburgh Fringe, his West End run portraying four roles in a “Dr. Strangelove” adaptation, why comic characters like his infamous Alan Partridge speak to both political parties, and his experience on-set with real and robotic penguins.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What unexpected event is highlighted in Bone Valley Season 2?
Something unexpected happened after Jeremy Scott confessed to killing Michelle Schofield in Bone Valley Season 1.
Every time I hear about my dad, it's, oh, he's a killer. He's just straight evil.
I was becoming the bridge between Jeremy Scott and the son he'd never known.
At the end of the day, I'm literally a son of a killer.
Listen to new episodes of Bone Valley Season 2 starting April 9th on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You're listening to Comedy Central.
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Ronnie King!
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Chapter 2: What controversy is rocking Trump's cabinet?
Hello! Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Roy Chang. We got so much to talk about tonight, so let's get right into the controversy that's still rocking Trump's cabinet in another installment of The Worst Wing. What a bunch of losers. None of that was AI.
By now, we all know that Donald Trump's meritocracy brain geniuses planned an attack on Yemen in a signal group chat and accidentally invited a journalist, Jeffrey Goldberg. And this story might have ended on day one if the administration had just owned it and made some bullshit statement like, sorry, we're taking accountability, hashtag listening and learning, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But they just can't help themselves, because whenever they're in trouble, their default response is to punch their way out of it, which only makes things worse. So now, we're still talking about this three days later, instead of what I wanted to cover tonight, which was 23 and me going bankrupt, and what they're gonna do with all your DNA. One word, face off.
Okay, that's two words with a slash, and we can't decide that. Look, it doesn't matter, all right? The point is, they're gonna put your face on someone else, and the White House wants to move on. They've got to come clean and stop stepping on their own dicks, okay? So let's start with something easy. For National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, how did the reporter get invited into the group chat?
I don't mean to be pedantic here, but how did the number get in the chat? Have you ever had somebody's contact that shows their name and then you have somebody else's number there? Oh, I never make those mistakes. Right? You've got somebody else's number on someone else's contact, so of course I didn't see this loser in the group. It looked like someone else.
I mean, I'm sure everybody out there has had a contact where it was said one person and then a different phone number.
No. No one's ever had that, all right? People don't have a contact with a phone number for like a different person, unless they're having an affair. I guess I'm saying, I think this guy is having an affair with Jeffrey Goldberg. And look, even if that was an actual somewhat relatable mistake, maybe try not making that mistake when you're planning a war.
And why are you shitting on Jeffrey Goldberg? He's a loser, this guy sucks, he's dishonest. He didn't do anything. All he did was wake up in the morning and you added him to your group chat. You like abducted him and forced him to see your secrets. But okay, the bigger issue is what was shared in the group chat.
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Chapter 3: Are war plans being discussed in Signal-gate?
Jeffrey Goldberg says there were war plans that were so sensitive, he didn't even put them in his article. But Pete Hegseth spent the last two days saying he's lying. Nobody. was texting war plans.
Nobody's texting war plans.
Nobody's texting war plans. Okay, great. Couldn't be more clear. Nobody was texting war plans. You hear me? Nobody was texting war plans.
Nobody was texting war plans. And we begin with the breaking news. The Atlantic Magazine's editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, is releasing the messages from the Yemen strike plan's group chat. And the screenshots show discussions of weapons and specific timing of U.S. military strikes.
11.44 a.m. Eastern, that time. Weather is favorable. Just confirmed with CENTCOM, we are a go for mission launch. 12.15 Eastern, F-18's launch, declaring this first strike package. 13.45, trigger-based F-18 first strike window starts. Target terrorist is at his known location, so should be on time. 14.15, strike drones on target. This is all caps. This is when the first bombs will definitely drop.
Okay, look, just because you write in all caps, this is when the first bombs will definitely drop, doesn't mean there are war plans. Okay? This is Pete Hegseth. Maybe he was talking about Jaeger bombs.
But if you... Look, if you...
If you ask me, that looks a lot like a plan for the war. It had military time and everything, okay? It had more details than you get from DoorDash. And those guys tell you everything, all right? 8.56, we have received your order. 8.59, we are preparing your food. 9.06, we accidentally dropped your food. 9.07, actually, don't worry about it. We're on our way.
So I think it's a war plan, but what the hell do I know? I've never seen one before because no one's ever been dumb enough to put one in a group chat with a journalist. But maybe... Maybe it's a... Maybe this is a good thing, okay? The receipts are out, so we can call a spade a spade and admit that these are indeed very specific war plans.
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Chapter 4: How does Chris DiStefano approach solving America's problems?
And they had secrets of their own to share.
I'm Gilbert King. I'm the son of Jeremy Lynn Scott.
I was no longer just telling the story. I was part of it.
Every time I hear about my dad, it's, oh, he's a killer. He's just straight evil.
I was becoming the bridge between a killer and the son he'd never known.
If the cops and everything would have done their job properly, my dad would have been in jail. I would have never existed.
I never expected to find myself in this place. Now, I need to tell you how I got here.
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Chapter 5: What are Chris DiStefano's views on tariffs and trade wars?
At the end of the day, I'm literally a son of a killer.
Bone Valley, Season 2. Jeremy.
Jeremy, I want to tell you something.
Listen to new episodes of Bone Valley, Season 2, starting April 9th on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And to hear the entire new season ad-free with exclusive content starting April 9th, subscribe to Lava for Good Plus on Apple Podcasts.
Welcome back to The Daily Show. America has a ton of problems right now, and no one knows who can solve them. But Chris DiStefano will give it a try in our new segment, Can Chris Solve It?
Hey guys, I'm Chris DeCifenu, as Ronnie said, a.k.a. Chrissy the American. And if you're like me, you love having opinions on things that you don't know anything about. Like, for example, there's no way childbirth is that bad, right? I mean, we have Tylenol. See? It's easy, Ronnie. So today, we're going to go through some of the world's biggest problems to find out if Chrissy can solve them.
Hit me!
Markets gripped by anxiety about an all-out tariff war.
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Chapter 6: How does Chris DiStefano suggest handling immigration?
Tariffs. I have to be honest. I have no idea what a tariff is. I really don't. And don't pretend you do either, babes. And unless you went to, like, Hofstra University or one of the fancy ones. But I couldn't get in. When I first saw the word tariff, I thought it was a Dune character. I was like, yes, tariff will lead the sand people to freedom. I'm in.
But listen, apparently that's not what tarifs are. It's, yeah, it's a tax on imports. And that sounds bad, because America imports everything. I'm pretty sure the only thing America makes are the Real Housewives. And those ladies are 50% plastic, so I don't even know if that counts. I mean, where does plastic come from? I honestly don't know, but it feels Chinese.
Anyway, if you're going to have a war, a trade war is probably better than like a war war. You know what I mean? Like with guys and women, obviously, you know, they kill each other, too. Ladies, my Gramps was in a war war. He was crawling through the mud dodging bullets in Okinawa. Now I'm just paying 80 cents more for guac. But hey, we're still both heroes.
I'm going to go ahead and call this one solved. Next topic.
the battle over President Trump's actions to secure the border and combat illegal immigration.
Immigration. Everyone, buckle up. Everyone, please stop saying there are two sides to this issue. We have to have a country with laws. The border should at least be as secure as the deodorant at CVS. If you want to get in, you have to hit a button and wait for ICE to come unlock the wall. But listen, that being said, we also have to celebrate legal immigrants. That's right.
Even though I look like the fire chief of Ronkonkoma, my wife and kids are Puerto Rican. Hola. So, yeah. So I know how it feels when people hate on the Latino community. What's up, dad? Look, the reality is this. Immigrants can make our country better. For instance, our soccer team has never won a single World Cup. It's embarrassing.
How about free green cards to anyone who can make a penalty kick? Right? It's a good idea. That's what I thought. I mean, let's get it done. Vamanosotros or whatever. I'm not, it's hard for me to learn Spanish. That's for my wife and kids to talk shit about me. I mean, crap. Sorry, mommy.
As you can see, I actually know what I'm talking about on this subject because like I said, I not only have a Puerto Rican family, but I'm also from Queens, the most diverse community in America. And yeah, right? And look, hey, look how I turned out. I'm only kind of racist.
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Chapter 7: Is the US interested in controlling Greenland?
One time I had to break up a fight between a Hare Krishna and a meter made from Tajikistan. I was like, you guys both wear robes. Just be friends. True. Now, also, this is crazy. Did you know there's only 50,000 people in Greenland? I have 50,000 people on my block. Not for nothing. You guys are also being kind and greedy with that land. It's 600 million acres.
That's got to be at least four Home Depots. What are they doing in Greenland? I mean, is that where they make the plastic? I don't know. And if you're a liberal and you hate this, maybe you shouldn't have spent so much time telling Trump to go green. This is what he thought you meant. So, and I, it's true. And I got to be honest, that's what I thought you meant too. I'm an idiot.
We cannot please these people. So I'm just going to mark this one not soft. All right. Yeah. Can't win them all. Well, that's it for me. I hope you didn't learn anything today because if you did, that means you're even dumber than me and I got bad news for you. You're definitely getting rejected from Hofstra. So I'm Chris DiStefano and I hope I solved that one for you.
Thank you, Chris. When we come back, Steve Cooley will be joining you on the show, so don't go away. Thank you.
Something unexpected happened after Jeremy Scott confessed to killing Michelle Schofield in Bone Valley Season 1. I just knew him as a kid. Long, silent voices from his past came forward.
And he was just staring at me.
And they had secrets of their own to share.
Gilbert came. I'm the son of Jeremy Lynn Scott.
I was no longer just telling the story. I was part of it.
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Chapter 8: Who is the next guest on The Daily Show?
Every time I hear about my dad, it's, oh, he's a killer. He's just straight evil.
I was becoming the bridge between a killer and the son he'd never known.
If the cops and everything would have done their job properly, my dad would have been in jail. I would have never existed.
I never expected to find myself in this place. Now, I need to tell you how I got here.
At the end of the day, I'm literally a son of a killer.
Bone Valley, Season 2. Jeremy.
Jeremy, I want to tell you something.
Listen to new episodes of Bone Valley Season 2 starting April 9th on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And to hear the entire new season ad-free with exclusive content starting April 9th, subscribe to Lava for Good Plus on Apple Podcasts.
Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is a legendary comedian and actor whose new film is called The Penguin Lessons. Please welcome the one and only, legendary Mr. Steve Coogan.
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