Michael Kosta
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
Yeah, that's right, Desi. But Doge has to take a lot of the blame for the backlash. They're not handling these layoffs with enough care and finesse. Let me explain through the use of a visual aid. Let's say this foot represents the federal government. You gotta be gentle, right? You can't go in whole hog. You gotta start the layoffs with a light little peck. You see what I did there, Desi?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
That was me laying off 50 NIH researchers, and you know what? I think they liked it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
Exactly. You can't go from zero to 100 like this. See? That is not how you do it. It's too overwhelming, and it puts too much pressure on the workforce.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
Yeah, you don't want sloppy, Desi. And you can't just focus on the top departments, either. Most of the waste takes place at the lower levels of the government, so you gotta work both. Like, this, this is... This is how you do it. This is how you do it. Absolutely.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
Oh, no, I worked at Payless. The point is, you have to pay attention to the whole of the federal government. Then once you've properly covered all the sensitive parts, that's when you bring in the other foot. Oh, my goodness gracious.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
Oh, this foot's just a sex thing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies. Meanwhile, Trump has an English-to-English translator.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
I want to ask you about a fake video that was somehow hacked onto the TVs at the Housing and Urban Development offices this morning in DC. It's pretty graphic, so we're not going to show it here on Top Story. It essentially shows the president, again, this was an AI image, kissing Elon Musk's feet.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Elon's Email Ultimatum, French Accent Diplomacy, Feet Stuff | Wendi McLendon-Covey
Look at that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
I mean, some people might have gotten to bed because they turned. He was an old school clunker.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
And, um...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
It's a disgrace, Jordan. I mean, what we have seen today is naked corruption, pure and simple. And the message it sends to the American public is that they cannot trust their leaders to have integrity. I'm sorry to say that tonight I pray for the future of our republic. Yeah! Woo! Yes! Yes!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
Woo!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
Hey, when Dr. Bucatini has an opening... You take the appointment. Wait, is she the same Bucatini who does the teeth whitening? Yes, Jordan. Women who whiten teeth can wax anuses at the same time, too, you sexist. Okay. And for the record, Jordan, this is technically work, because we're putting all of this on the Daily Show credit card.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's Tariff Boredom, Hegseth Goes Diet Woke, Sports War: Super Bowl | Jesse Eisenberg
It's not a felony. We're working. When it comes to my job, I am the utmost professional... And hey, if it is a felony, then I just make a trip to Mar-a-Lago and I tell the gracious Donald Trump to pardon me with his enormous penis.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
Well, it's not good, Desi. You know, a trade war with China would be devastating for the United States. Almost everything we buy is made in China. Clothing, electronics, dildos from my grandfather's dildo factory, kitchen appliances. We can't just stop all of these. Wait, wait, wait.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
Yeah, okay, haha, but dildos don't grow on trees, Desi. Someone's gotta make them. And that someone is my grandfather, who has a dildo factory in the Chinese province of Guangdong.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
Yes. Yes, because it has the most favorable tax incentives. Look, there's nothing funny about Giuseppe Costa's dick-down dildo emporium, okay? It's a classic American success story. Grandpa Costa left Europe with nothing but a suitcase and a plaster cast. He started selling dildos out of a cart in the Lower East Side. My grandma herself worked in the dildo testing department. Well...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
until she got carpal tunnel.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
Yeah, see, that's part of the problem here. America just doesn't have the manufacturing base to replace the size of Chinese production. Maybe if they started with some smaller factories and gradually stretched the infrastructure, they could work their way up to receiving my grandpappy's dildos.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
Well, maybe, but building a factory, it takes a while to get it up, you know? Especially at my grandfather's age. Plus, Trump is constantly threatening to change the tariffs. It's so unpredictable, it makes it difficult to relocate. Grandpa can't just keep putting his dildo factories in and out and in and out and in and out of other countries. He's not a machine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
Yeah, this is a serious business, Desi. He doesn't just make dildos. They also make pocket pussies, butt plugs, and three hole punches.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Escalates China Trade War, Fox News Ignores Market Slide | Mallory McMorrow
No, the three hole punches are also for sex stuff.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Welcome back to The Daily Show. We all know I've got great opinions, but I'm not the only one. Studies show that other people also have opinions. So here with another installment of In My Opinion is our good friend Ricky Velez.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I'm Michael Kosta. Donald Trump just wrapped up his joint address to Congress, and we'll have full coverage on that tomorrow. But tonight, Republicans want to start cleaning up chicken shit. Joe Biden crop-dusted the economy on his way out, and relations with Canada are about to get ugly. But first, our ongoing segment, the second coming of Donald J. Trump. Donald Trump has been busy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
In the past couple of days, he's switched sides in the war in Ukraine, announced a national crypto reserve, and dismantled the National Weather Service, because part of the fun of experiencing a Category 5 hurricane is the surprise. Trump's been so busy that I was getting worried he'd forgotten his plan to start a North American trade war. But my boy, he put it on the cow.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
WELCOME BACK TO THE DAILY SHOW. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN AWARD-WINNING COMEDIAN, ACTOR, WRITER, PRODUCER, AND NOW A SINGER-SONGWRITER WITH THEIR DEBUT ALBUM, IMA TV. PLEASE WELCOME MAY MARTIN. Look at that, huh?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Look at that. You're a Canadian.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
So I'm required by law to take 25% off all of my questions.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Perfect. We got it. But maybe both administrations seeing a Canadian and an American shake hands is all they need to see. That was it. We solved it. Yeah, that was a beautiful moment for democracy. Your album is tremendous. Thanks. It's beautiful. Thank you. I was thinking you're a comedian.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
You know how to sing. You know how to play instruments. What the is going on? Thanks, thanks.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
You have?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
How does a comedian, by the way, Mae is a comedian, but the music, this is real music. This is great music. Thank you. It's not like, oh, it's a comedy music. It's a real music album. I want to make that very clear, and it's great. My family was listening to it. We were listening to it. It's annoying. It's annoying I even have to say that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Right. You know? You're going to do a show from here.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Do you have to make it very clear that jokes will not be told?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I remember starting out doing open mics as a comedian, and I would bomb, and it was so silent. Then I would watch shitty musicians go up, and they would bomb, but there's noise.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
And I was envious of musicians in that regard.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
When you're writing music, are you naturally trying to not find a punchline? You know what I mean?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
What inspired you to make the album now?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
As we established, because we're going to get a Nobel Peace Prize for that beginning where we shook hands. Yeah, exactly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
You're welcome for that. You're welcome for us shaking hands. You're welcome for that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Thanks.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Who knows how their albums will be?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
But comedy is vulnerable. I know. But are you telling me that this is more vulnerable to put out music?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Don't hold back. Now, this is where you hit me with the truth. Is making music more vulnerable than pouring your heart out to strangers through spoken word?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Your special, you know, it's fantastic. You're talking about your family, your experiences, your parents. That's so vulnerable and personal.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
You can lie. That's what I do. Yeah, man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
And you can't pivot with music.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
One of the songs I love is called Big Bear. I've been to Big Bear near L.A. I got stuck in traffic, but you sing a beautiful song about... To me, it feels... like you're trying to escape something. And then I'm thinking, maybe that's me saying, I want to escape something.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Tell me about what inspired you to write that song and what it means.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah, that's right, baby. Trade war. Nobody does war better than USA. USA. USA. That's right. Canada and Mexico are about to feel the pain. And the best part is, it's not going to affect us at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I think it's awesome not telling people. Especially now... But you have a family.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
No, no, no. That's not funny. That's why it's so good. Right, right, right. Because I have people that always want to know where I am. Right. So it feels so good. But if I didn't have a family, that was just... It's a lot of pressure to be loved. Man, did you just say what's in my soul?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I'm a TV person.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah, what does it mean? It's in one of the songs, Stowaway. I'm just a TV talking to you. You thought I could remember that, but I had to read it just to make sure I got it right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Another example of maybe what we're externalizing is on the inside.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
You have TV tattoo. I do. Is that right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Well, I think I'm pretty... Let's hope that that's public information. Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Is that connected to this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Man, you bought a tattoo kit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Oh, interesting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I say aluminum.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
It's funny that you just said, don't buy a tattoo kit. I didn't know that was a thing you could even do. And certainly, don't do it with your partner. Mae Martin, thank you so much for being here. Thanks. It's called I'm a TV. It's available now. And check out tour dates at maemartinmusic.com. Mae Martin, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I'm going to pay $9,000 more for a Kia Sorento? Now I finally get why they say war is hell. So that's what Private Ryan, that's what Saving Private Ryan was all about. Private Ryan was a different movie. Isn't this the opposite of what Trump campaigned on? Raising prices on everything? I'm already buying my eggs and installments with Klarna.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
And the solution that his secretary of agriculture came up with, it's not very helpful.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yes. Great idea. Great idea. In this time of uncertainty, the one thing I need now is a wild animal in my house pecking my dick while I'm trying to make a frittata. Everybody who's not a farmer wants to be. Are you kidding me? Americans don't even go to grocery stores anymore. We just text get Cheerios to strangers on Instacart. But sure, I guess I'll become a small farmer.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
And hey, why stop at chickens? You know, I could grow my own avocados. I could raise my own cows. Wait, why am I buying my steel like a sucker when I could be smelting iron ore in my own bathtub? Either way, prices are about to go up. And I just hope that no one told that to the stock market. The stock market drops for a second day in a row now that President Trump's tariffs are in effect.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
God damn it. Who told that to the stock market? So the stock market is plummeting thanks to the trade war that Donald Trump started. So obviously, well, we know who to blame for that, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Damn you, Joe Biden. You were supposed to leave the password to the economy on the White House fridge before you left. If we're going to blame past presidents, why stop at Biden, you know? Jimmy Carter's been awfully quiet lately. How convenient. But I guess rising prices and a tanking stock market, that's just the cost of starting a trade war with your neighbors.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Now, Mexico, they expect it, right? Trump's headed out for them since no one showed up to his quinceanera, but... But why Canada? We've always been tight with Canada. We were both British colonies. We play in the same sports leagues together. We share joint custody of Ryan Gosling. If Trump is gonna launch a trade war with them, I hope he has a good reason, and I'm sure he does, right? Right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Of course, of course. Fentanyl and migrants. That makes sense. We can't just be letting Canada pump massive and massive amounts of fentanyl and migrants across our border.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Huh, okay, so it's not fentanyl or migrants, and it can't be because Trump's an insecure wannabe alpha male thumping his chest so the world pays attention to him, so I guess we'll never know. It's probably Joe Biden. Whatever it is, Prime Minister Trudeau, he wasn't having it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
He's mad. And he's not even world leader mad. He's dad mad. This is the same tone I use when I tell my daughter not to throw her baby sister into the crib. You are not that type of person that does this, even though you just did this, and you'll probably keep doing it. But you're not this. Okay, Donald? My daughter's name is Donald. And...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
All of Canada is lining up behind Trudeau, like Ontario's premier Doug Ford came out to warn America about the consequences of a trade war, although in a confusing way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Oh! Sick burn! Sick burn! I think. I mean, it sounded like a slam, but if the market will go downhill really fast, that means our bobsled team is also fast. And isn't that like a compliment? Our bobsled team is supposed to go fast, right? Unless he's saying our bobsled team is slow, which is a slam, but then that means the market won't go downhill fast, which is good for our economy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
This metaphor doesn't make any sense. The point is, Doug Ford is forcing me to learn about bobsledding, and I do not appreciate that. Is there a Canadian who can make an analogy that's a little less confusing? Donna Reardon, the mayor of St. John in New Brunswick, maybe you have a good analogy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah, we're cousins, but we're... So we're breaking up? This analogy is even worse than the bobsled. You can't break up with your cousin. Sure, you can both go off and get married and start your own families and try to convince yourselves you've moved on, but she's still there at Thanksgiving every year.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah, she brings her new husband and she laughs at his jokes, but deep down you can see in her pale blue eyes that she's sad and I'm sad too, Stephanie. I know she can see it in my eyes, which are the same color as hers, because we're related, and that's... And that's why we can't be together, right? What was I talking about? I'm sorry. Look, that's right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Oh, the trade war that we've launched for no reason. The point is, look, what Donald Trump has done to Canada. They're the nicest country on Earth, the sexiest cousin, and look what we've brought them out to do.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Damn. Canada's respect for America has gone down faster than Curtis and Hubert Stevens, gold medalists in the two-man bobsled at the 1932 Lake Placid Olympics. Now that's how you do a bobsled metaphor, Doug. Big bobsled fans out here today. Whatever the reason, Trump has now pushed America and Canada into a full-on trade war.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Grace.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Grace, what's your analysis?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I'm sorry, tell Canada to shut the f*** up?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Actually, I think he was complimenting our team. I still don't really know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah, well... I don't want to explain it to you. And if you know America's in the wrong, then why are you defending us?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
You know, Grace, I gotta say, in a weird way, I admire your patriotism.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Wait, is that a bald eagle pooping out a maple leaf? Yeah. Where did you even get that, Grace?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah. Yeah, sometimes America is the worst, Grace. You're right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Never mind. Never mind. Grace Kuhlenschmidt, everyone. Grace Kuhlenschmidt. When we come back, Ricky Velez gives us his opinion, so don't go away, Grace.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
The second Trump administration is off to a roaring start, if you don't count the economy, inflation, rampant corruption, cyberbullying of ally nations, and we're all going to die of measles. So it makes sense that on Sunday, he said he's considering running for a third term. But of course, the liberal media is freaking out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Show name to God, everybody. When we come back, Gianna Tavoni will be joining us on the show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is an Emmy-winning journalist whose new book is called The Volunteer, The Failure of the Death Penalty in America and One Inmate's Quest to Die with Dignity. Please welcome Gianna Toboni. What a book. Thank you. So much work, so serious, so important, so sad. Why is the death penalty not working in the United States?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
About right for contractors, but... That is a terrible rate of efficacy. And it kind of leads to the subject of this book and why you reached out to him. Scott Dozier, who was convicted of murdering two people. Why did you initially write him a letter to be the subject of this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
What does that mean?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
But they're already sentenced to death.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And he actually said, and you have the letter, his handwriting, it's very moving. He says, I, Scott Dozier, am requesting... Execute me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And at one point, I think he even calls the government a bunch of pussies.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
If you're going to sentence me this way, then do it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
It's hard not to sympathize with him a little bit in that regard. Talk about some of the complexities of actually killing someone on death row when it comes to the drugs and the method.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Is Pfizer not wanting to give drugs for lethal injection because, well, yeah, they don't want to be associated with executions, but also it could affect their profit margin for giving more people the drugs that actually need them?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Right. Yeah, right. Obviously, this is the media's fault, okay? If they ask the president a question, of course he's gonna give you a deranged answer. He's the president. What do you expect him to say? No, I'm constitutionally barred from running again. Come on. The guy's just having a good time! His fellow Republicans know nobody gets comedy like the Republicans.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
This is going to be a strange metaphor, but it reminds me of dog food for my dog. We make it so it's palatable for me as the human. I don't think my dog wants to eat this little brown pellet. He wants to eat sloppy, messy, disgusting food that his DNA is telling him. But we've made execution palatable for me and you and us, but it isn't effective.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And wasn't at one point Scott Dozier saying, shoot me?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Americans are good at that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And certainly the gun lobbies aren't going to say, you better not use that for an execution.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Yeah, you mentioned that in the book. That's wild to me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
I mean, I don't even have thousands of Instagram followers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And there was just an execution by firing squad in South Carolina. And so are more inmates volunteering? I mean, you said it's about 10 percent that do this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
I mean, it is wild to think about. And one of the things I love about the book is I'm thinking and debating a very serious topic that I try to avoid. I don't want to think about this stuff.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
A firing squad, they put a bag over the person's head, they put a target on his heart, and five people have guns, and they, I mean, it's like, in a way, maybe, and I think this was made in one of the vice pieces at this point, in a way, maybe we should make it more brutal so we as citizens can decide, do we really want to do this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
There's so many people affected when an execution needs to take place, and that's one thing the book just illuminated to me so much. There's the prison that has to try to do this thing. They're required to do it. There's the victim's families who are involved. There's the inmate. who at one point, you say to him, you're gonna be dead tomorrow. In two hours, you're gonna be dead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And he has to respond to that. And then there's also the family of the death row inmate. Who is suffering the most in this? You've really been close. Who's suffering most in this shit show that is our death penalty?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And then, though, there's a nice part to that is his wife basically made him go to therapy and it helped him. So good job to all the wives making their husbands go to therapy out there. Right? Yeah. Is there a way we can reform this system? Is there a positive that we can take from this, in your opinion?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
I really believe... You say on page five, which I love, which is, we're not here to debate... the morality of the death penalty, but we are here that we can all agree that it's a broken system.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Well, that's what I want. Yeah. Go ahead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
I mean, the irony of, at one point, they put him on suicide watch, so they don't want to watch him kill himself, so then they can kill him later, even though they're too soft to even kill him in the first place.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Yeah, guys, relax. The president of the most powerful nation in the world is just, he's in his Dennis the Menace phase. The point is, everybody knows he's joking. Trump isn't serious about a potential third term.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
No, no, that can mean anything. That can mean anything. Look, the truth is, Trump doesn't really joke so much as he jokes, right? The same way that guys joke to their wives about having a threesome. Ha ha ha. You know, that would be so wild. Obviously, we'd never do that. I mean, definitely not with my coworker, Cindy, that you said was pretty once.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
And I'm sure she's open to stuff because her nose is pierced. That would be so hilarious, right? Or would it be sexy? Personally, I'm not freaking out that Trump is going to defy the Constitution because he's already been doing it. For weeks now, ICE has been rounding up any immigrant who they suspect is a member of the Venezuelan gang Tren de Aragua, or as Trump pronounces it, Tren de Arguay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Muy bien, señor presidente. But this week, we found out that instead of sending these suspects to a trial or a hearing, you know, all the due process shit in the Constitution, the ICE agents just fill out a checklist on the suspect. And if the suspect scores an eight or more, they get deported to an El Salvadorian prison.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Look, look, I'm not a legal expert, but I'd rather not be sentenced to life in a foreign prison with the same checklist system that Cosmo uses to decide if I'm good girl hot or bad girl hot. By the way, I'm bad girl hot. And reading through the checklist doesn't make me feel any better either. You get points just for having a tattoo of a star or a clock or the Michael Jordan logo.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
It doesn't even have to be a tattoo. You can just get points for wearing a Bulls jersey. So have fun in prison, Hannah Montana. If that's even your real name. But hey, I'm sure the famously detail-oriented Trump administration isn't going to deport people without making sure they're hardened criminals, right? Right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Oopsie doopsie, I did a poopsie. Could it be that the geniuses who added Jeffrey Goldberg to the strike team group chat aren't great at identifying the correct people? If only there is a way that they could have presented this suspect before another person, someone who, I don't know, and I'm just spitballing, maybe could have judged whether or not the person could have been deported.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Maybe that person, I don't know, could be behind a tall desk and they hold a stick and with a robe and they're federally appointed and they say things like, another DUI, Mr. Acosta? I'd put you in prison, but you're too bad girl hot. No, no, no, no, no. Let's just do another checklist. Thank you for that. But, hey, but, hey, but, hey, no harm, no foul.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
We can just get that guy back on the next flight, right? Right? Right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? We can't get one person out of a prison that we sent to that prison? J.D. Vance is out there calling dibs on rare earth minerals underneath Greenland and Ukraine. But with El Salvador, suddenly they're like, hey, sorry, no hablo espanol. Trump, don't you speak Spanish? Trendy, Arguello. Tremendioso.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Seeing all these constitutional crises pile up, it makes me wonder what sort of evil machinations Donald Trump is plotting inside the Oval Office right now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Mr. President, I don't mean to alarm you, but the guy next to you, he's scoring a lot of points on that checklist right now. For more on the ICE raids, let's go to the White House with our very own Josh Johnson. Josh. Josh.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
I thought that speech was going to be about the mass deportations.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Oh, wait. You have tattoos?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Okay, I just don't think Ice is going to confuse that for a gang tattoo. It's not gay. I said gang, not gay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Let me guess. It's actually from Katy Perry's song, Firework.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
We get it. Josh Johnson, everyone. When we come back, Charlemagne the God will give us his opinion, so don't go away. Josh Johnson.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
Welcome back to The Daily Show. We all know that I've got great opinions, but I'm not the only one. Studies show that other people also have opinions. So here with another installment of In My Opinion is our good friend Charlemagne Tha God.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Threatens Third Term, Admin Admits Deportation Mistake
I'm Michael Kosta. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Your tattoo might ruin your life. Cory Booker won't shut up in a good way. And Donald Trump pledges to respect the Constitution. April fools, he still doesn't care. Let's get into it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Trump’s Heel Turn on Zelenskyy & Elon's Interview Challenge | Matthew Desmond
Oh, John. For the rest of the week. John, the Trump tariffs are about to kick in, and I'm worried about my wallet, specifically the money in my wallet, not my driver's license. That's been suspended for years. You're correct. Tariffs on Canada and Mexico are set to take effect, I think, tonight. Exactly. And so that's why I'm stocking up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Trump’s Heel Turn on Zelenskyy & Elon's Interview Challenge | Matthew Desmond
I just bought 4,000 pounds of Maryland crab and 10,000 cans of Arizona iced tea. So I'm ready. Yeah, those are all American products.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Trump’s Heel Turn on Zelenskyy & Elon's Interview Challenge | Matthew Desmond
You know, this might be all that crab and iced tea talking, but I don't think I know how tariffs work. All right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon on Trump’s Trade War, Attacks on DEI & Myth of “Meritocracy” | Mo Amer
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Are we talking... SAT scores?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon on Trump’s Trade War, Attacks on DEI & Myth of “Meritocracy” | Mo Amer
Oh, yeah, that's right. Because it's all about merit and high test scores until it looks like this. And then suddenly we got to defend the white boys like it's a rape case at Kappa Sigma Phi. That was settled out of court. Yeah, yeah. It's all meritocracy until we get those H-1Bs and take your coding jobs and, oh, it's not fair. Yeah. Does black beat Asian? No. Your days are numbered, Costa.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon on Trump’s Trade War, Attacks on DEI & Myth of “Meritocracy” | Mo Amer
Chang out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Trump’s 3rd Term Plans & Signalgate Lack of Accountability | Oren Cass
john you know these trump tariffs could tank the market this week which is why you and you all need to diversify your portfolios okay for example i have bitcoin but i also have nfts crypto and meme coin i am the pinnacle of diversity financially speaking john so
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Trump’s 3rd Term Plans & Signalgate Lack of Accountability | Oren Cass
HHS will be dropping around 20,000 workers. The Department of Veterans Affairs looking to cut 80,000 jobs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Trump’s 3rd Term Plans & Signalgate Lack of Accountability | Oren Cass
John, it's not the 90s, okay? Cash all that garbage out and put it into crypto. Your money needs to be in safe assets like Shiba Bucks.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Trump’s 3rd Term Plans & Signalgate Lack of Accountability | Oren Cass
snaggle jazz loin coin groin coin tickle nickels and john the often overlooked logan paul presents i can't believe it's not money trust me john if your life savings aren't in jizz pump you're gonna feel pretty silly thank you michael costa put it all in jizz pump michael costa ladies and gentlemen here it is
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
I don't think it's specific enough to be considered war plans. It doesn't tell you, hey, we're going to hit this particular village, this particular city, this particular target, this particular individual.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
Oh, this, you know, it's an outline of what is about to happen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
There's a conversation. This was a private conversation.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
You're crazy, Ronnie. You know, maybe a civilian reporter like yourself spills his Cortado all over his little Ugg boots reading these texts, but the grizzled veterans at the Trump administration know that these are not war plans. I mean, would it be a war plan if I said, carrier, strike group two will engage 14 targets in northeast Syria at 0900 tomorrow. CENTCOM says go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
I repeat, CENTCOM says go. Over. Yeah, that sounds like a war plan. Yeah, because you're a civilian, you know, peeing through his Fall Raven jacket all over his Lululemon yoga mat. But it's not a war plan, because I didn't say something specific, like what type of plane they're using. You have no idea that it's an F-18. Yeah, you just said that it's an F-18. Yeah, well, F-18 could mean anything.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
It could be a bingo number or a parking spot. F-18 could be Pete Hegseth's search on a dating app. You don't know. Okay, but F-18 is clearly a plane. Oh, you're an expert now. The only military figure you know anything about is General So.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
By the way, that's a burn about you being a civilian, not an Asian.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
It's war manifesting, you know? Hegseth was asking the universe to drop a Tomahawk missile, and it happened. Haven't you ever read The Secret? You know, the book, not the state secrets he texts Jeffrey Goldberg. You really want me to believe this was war manifesting? Of course it was manifesting. No different than making a vision board. Kind of like this one. You know, look. Look.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
There you go again with that phrase, war plan. It's not a war plan. It's an operational scribbling.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
Okay, look, but we don't know which Canada, you know? And... And none of these arrows are even labeled. So we don't know where we will be attacking, which is why the people of Winnipeg and Banff, here and here, will never see this coming on Saturday at noon. It's going to be sweet. Okay, where did you even get that wall map? The DOD accidentally mailed it to my house.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
Mike Waltz has my address and his contacts. It's not a big deal. He's having an affair with my wife. Okay, well... Great job, I guess. Michael Kosta, everyone.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Play "War Plan" Semantics as Journalist Brings Receipts | Steve Coogan
the battle over President Trump's actions to secure the border and combat illegal immigration.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
There you have it. As long as Trump teaches kids how to put wires back in, he and the Irish are building a friendship that will last a lifetime.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
The EU was set up in order to take advantage of the United States. Including Ireland? Is Ireland taking advantage of the U.S.?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
Well, that was quick.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
Your moment is done.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
Eight days that turned into nine months. It's like a space-age Gilligan's Island.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
This was like as close as you get to Gilligan's Island these days.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
I love Tesla.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
It was a team effort between the Trump administration, Elon Musk, and SpaceX.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
One of Trump's top priorities is getting rid of DEI. DEI would have ruined our country, and now it's dead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
But even though he hates celebrating these minority groups, for some reason, there's one group he loves to celebrate, the Irish.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
Oh, I think the Irish love Trump. We want the Irish with a tremendous amount of vote. Great people. And they voted for me in heavy numbers, so I like them even now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
So I stopped by New York's St. Paddy's Day parade to see how Irish Trump supporters were celebrating their new status as Trump's BFFs. All right, what brings you here today?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
Men in skirts? Trump is not going to like that. Do you stand for DEI?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
DOGE Protestors Turn on Tesla & Astronauts Make It Home | Anthony Carrigan
Right. This guy was just like MLK, except he didn't take a shot from the government. These Trump supporters also had a lot of other important observations.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
And I got to tell you, as a kid who was a bit of a civics nerd, I used to think these were pretty sweet events. You know, you've got the president, the Supreme Court, every member of Congress in the same room. It's basically the Oscars for people with loose skin. But... These days, a speech to Congress is just a theatrical production where everybody has a role and they slip right into it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Look at these outfits. I mean, I thought I looked good.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Look at these outfits. These are amazing. Tell me about them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Those are sweet.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I think I even saw a marijuana leaf, perhaps.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Yes. For those of you that know your music individually, wouldn't have necessarily thought you were going to get together and make a country album. How did we get here? Tell me what happened.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Yeah. And it's been in the works for a little bit, right? Is that...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Wow. A little bit. It's beautiful. I love it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I played it for my family. I played it for me. I played it for my dog. He now is wearing outfits like yours, which is strange. It's being called a queer country album. Why not call it a queerntry album? Michael Kosta trademark 2025. Or a lesbentry album. Is that good? Now, I guess let's talk about genre for a second. I mean, the title Queer Country Album, does that evoke anything?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Do you bother that someone might call it that? Are you proud of that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I don't always think of, you know, Christianity doing such a good job with queer and gay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
The pursuit of the divine, that's badass. And I can tell you, I feel like... Only musicians can pursue the divine. No one is listening to my comedy going, now that guy is in pursuit of the divine. Mackenzie, I want to hear your thoughts on the religious component, if there is one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
So, places, everyone! Democrats showed up in full wardrobe, dressed in pink as a symbolic protest against people who wanted them to do something meaningful. And they came with props, too, holding up little paddles like they were ready to give Mike Johnson a naughty little spanking, huh? Either that or a pickleball match. And you know what? F*** pickleball, all right? You ever played? Yeah. Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Right, totally. I love that. It doesn't surprise me that you're thoughtful and kind and compassionate in speaking with you because your music comes across that way. But you're speaking about things that love you for being you. Dogs. Holy shit. One of your songs, Sylvia, it's about your dog, right, Mackenzie? That's right. I love having a dog because...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
When I go do comedy at night, I bomb, I succeed, it went well, it went poorly, it doesn't matter. All these thoughts and expectations I have when I walk through the door, he's happy to see me. Is that the same for music? Is that the same for your dog? What's the name of your dog?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
That's what the name of the song is.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
She was born on Sylvia Platt's birthday. Let's state that, because I asked you what your dog's name was after I told you what your dog's name was.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Could have been your dog. That's true. Yeah. So what's your relationship with your dog and music? Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
What about you, Julianne?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
And I brought my asshole dog to the green room. And he was an asshole dog. Well, yeah. Well, he was very warm with you, too. He sensed your kindness.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I came home one time, and I said hi to my dog before my wife. And she said, why are you saying hi to the dog first? Say hi to your wife first. And I said, I'm saying hi to who's excited to see me. How cool is it that you're going to play for us? I mean, this is... Amazing. And I love your album. Everyone needs to listen to it. Send a Prayer My Way, Julian Baker and Torres.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Now, you're going to play Bottom of the Bottle for us. What can you tell us about that song?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Right. Yeah. Right. Well, it's a great song. George Strait is here tonight. It's a great song. We're looking forward to it. Thank you so much for being here and talking with us. Send a Prayer My Way comes out April 18th. It's available for pre-order now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Once you get to the front line, you're not even allowed to move. How stupid is that? I'm edgy. Some Democrats took the signage to the next level. Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib had a dry erase board that she updated throughout the night with protest messages like, stop lying to the American people, or no king, or that's a lie. And she went through a lot of them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
That's our show for tonight. Now here it is, your moment of zen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
She had one that said, who has Luigi's sex tape? She did that cool S. These markers are getting me high. And she had one message that especially resonated with me. It said, Lucky Loser by Michael Kosta in stores March 11th. Now, yeah. I know. It's not really appropriate venue for that, but I appreciate it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
And I should also mention that Lucky Loser, my book, it's in stores next week starting on Tuesday. You can order it now. But those were just the bit players of the night. One Democrat even gave himself a speaking part.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Yeah. You know, there's something kind of badass about shaking a cane at someone, right? Don't f*** with me unless you want to take this very slowly outside, all right? I will say props to this guy. He got to send a message to President Trump and go home early, you know? I should have... I should have tried that when I wanted to leave my nephew's baptism. You do not have the mandate.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I'm out of here. Now, let's not forget about the Republicans. They also played their part in this performance, which was to cheer and hoot for their guy and make sure that everyone knew what country this was. Yeah, USA! USA! Careful, guys. The last time Republicans got this rowdy at the Capitol, Nancy Pelosi had to bleach her desk.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Here... Here's a moment that encapsulated the embarrassing theater of the entire night. It's before the speech even started, when Donald Trump is walking down to the podium, surrounded by hooting Republicans, when a Democrat walks up behind him with a sign that says, "'This is not normal.'" Okay. Okay. Which, first of all, I think it is normal at this point.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Trump has been in our lives for a decade now. Sadly, this is our normal. In the same way that 20 years ago, it wasn't normal to drunkenly jump in the backseat of a stranger's car, but now it's called Uber. And... There's only a 50% chance you end up murdered. So, yeah, you know, shit changes, okay?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
But anyway, that Democrat is holding a sign that's wrong and ineffective, and then a divorced dad Republican sees the sign, reaches over, and yanks it out of her hand and chucks it onto the floor. And she just stands there and does nothing. She's like, well, that sign was my only idea. But forget the supporting cast. The star of the night was Donald Trump.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
And you have to admit, he showed a lot of range last night. Okay. Like when he talked about Doge finding Social Security fraud, he got to show off his lying skills.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I can't believe we're paying that many people Social Security. I can't believe it because it's not true, okay? And I could... It's been debunked. I could explain why it's false and why Trump's wasting everybody's time over an Excel spreadsheet error, or in the time it would take to explain it, we could watch this video of my dog, Walter. Fact check, he's perfect.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
But Trump spent a lot of his performance on the waste Elon Musk is finding while also showcasing his masterful ability to troll.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that children's book. I think it's called If You Give a Mouse a Pussy, right? No. Now... To be fair, $8 million to transition mice is a waste of money. You know, just look at Mickey Mouse, right? You put a $6 bow on him, and boom, Minnie Mouse.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
But, hey, Trump, maybe you shouldn't criticize weird science stuff when your new best friend is the one putting microchips in monkey brains, and when those monkeys die, your other new best friend is taking them home in a doggy bag. But still, Trump did show his range.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
When his speech turned to Greenland, he showed off a very singular special talent, reassuring our allies in a bizarrely threatening way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Does Trump listen to himself when he talks? He's sending a lot of mixed messages right now. You hear that, Greenland? It's your choice, but you will be ours. Look, totally your call. It's inevitable. Guys, Greenland, it's up to you. We're easy, okay? Give us your minerals now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Of course, part of Trump's role in this performance is also announcing a major new policy, but doing it in the Trumpiest way possible.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Yeah, I mean, it makes perfect sense. You know, Trump can't make announcements on April Fool's Day. Otherwise, we would all be like, what? Is this a joke? I mean... You know, as opposed to every other day where that isn't our reaction to the stuff he does. I love the level of reverence Trump shows for April Fool's Day. Juneteenth, that's not even a word.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Now, this April Fool's Day, we will honor our ancestors by playing pranks and overall tomfoolery. It's important. By the way, no one over the age of 14 even celebrates April Fool's Day. That's like saying, I was going to end inflation next Friday, but actually that's when the Kids' Choice Awards are, so we'll see.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
But as always, the most important part of Trump's performance, needling the Democrats.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Whoa, whoa, welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Michael Kosta. Tonight, Donald Trump unites half the country, Democrats keep staples in business, and mice finally get their own culture war. So let's get into our ongoing segment, the second coming of Donald J. Trump. Last night, Donald Trump gave his first joint address to Congress of his new term.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I don't get why everyone that I've been bullying for 10 years never smiles at me. Why don't you like me, you limp dick lunatics? And by the way, how is Trump still obsessed with Biden? Move on, dude. You won, right? You think Mark Zuckerberg is still talking about Tom from MySpace? No. He's busy having a midlife crisis. Look at this. Also, dude, you busted out the Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas line.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
That is such an old joke. You might as well have been like, hey, Pocahontas, what's up? So all in all, my review of last night's theater production is that it was humiliating in a display of thirst for attention, blind partisan rage, and a total disinterest in doing anything that might benefit the people. In other words, it truly was the State of the Union.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Now, for more on last night's speech, we go live to the Capitol with Ronnie Chang.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
Last night's spectacle had to be a new low for America.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
It's not all about the plot. They're building the character. But what matters here is that our nation's leaders were acting like screaming children. That's embarrassing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
I see what you're saying. You're saying that in America, we're better than that. So you're right. Thank you, Ronnie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Lies in Joint Address & Rep. Al Green Leaves Early | Julien Baker & TORRES
All right, Ronny Chieng, everybody. Ronny Chieng, everybody. When we come back, Julian Baker and Torres will be joining me, so don't go away.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
You got me. Egg prices are nuts. Seriously, what do I got to do? Take out a mortgage just to make an omelet? What do I got to do? Sell my car so I can buy a frittata? What do I got to do? Pretend to be the long-dead husband of the wealthy widow Belvedere finally back from the Korean War?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Then one night, in the middle of her sponge bath, I sneak off and write myself into her will, but as I'm forging her name, I realize behind all those wrinkles and skin tags lies the kindest, gentlest soul I've ever met. But when I rush into the bathroom to tell her I love her, she's dead. Someone left her in the tub alone, and she's dead. Just to afford a few huevos rancheros?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
I mean, ay, caramba. It's out of control. But don't worry, eggheads. With high prices comes high-portunity. That's why I'm hella bullish on ladders, okay? They help you climb trees so you can steal eggs from a buzzard's nest, which means I'm also going all in on ointment and bandages because, as I always say, Mama Buzzard don't play like that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Now, look, I know egg prices can really scramble your bank account. Your bottom line is getting poached. But, hey, you think these egg prices are painful. You should try paying to freeze your wife's eggs and then watching your new husband, Blake, fertilize them. Let's just say I wasn't too egg-cited to find out about that. I've been sleeping like shit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Well, that's all for this edition of Costa Doing Business. I'm Michael Costa reminding you that money can't buy happiness. Have a great Valentine's Day, everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Yeah, baby, I'm Michael Kosta, and this is the Kosta Doin' Business, where I teach you how to make... fat stacks of stinking cash. So, tonight's segment is sponsored by Men's Swear House, the first members-only club for guys who love to curse. Men's Swear House, you're gonna shit the way you f***. Now, full disclosure, I'm a part-time owner and we aren't doing well. Now...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
That's all the reason to make a little badly needed money, starting with the Super Bowl this Sunday. I don't know about you, but I plan on watching the game Ebeneezer Scrooge-style, peering into my co-worker's window while he cares for his sick child. It's gonna be fun. And thanks to Big Daddy Trump making Mexico bend the knee, I'm gonna be turning some green mash into that green cash. Hit me!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Ay, Chihuahua. Gracias por el dinero para biblioteca, eh? That's right. No tariffs means avocados are going to be flying off the shelves faster than Speedy Gonzales. But you should be bullish on all things guacamole, mole, mole, mole. Of course, I'm f***ed. I bought thousands of avocados, thinking there would definitely be a trade war.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
So now Daddy's got a U-hole full of avocados parked in Secaucus. And let me tell you something, they're rotten pretty fast. Which reminds me, this segment is sponsored by Miguel Costa's brown guac, okay? It's as tasty as it is brown. I knew you would love it. Moving on. It's been a crazy week in the market, and my phone is cha-cha-chinging off the his-his-his-ook. There's a trade war.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
There's not a trade war. The market's up. It's down. But as I always say, volatility means profitability. That phrase is coined. And with panic in the air, no company is capitalizing on that more than Daddy Starbucks. I said, hit me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Hell yeah, Starby, more places need to do stuff like this to fight loitering, like my local park. Hey, buddy, buy a tree or get the f*** out, all right? But seriously, this is a genius new business model. People need to take dumps. So what do you do? Make them buy coffee, which, guess what? Makes them need to take a dump of more, which means they need to buy another coffee. Get it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Next thing you know, there are 400 coffee dumps deep living in a tent outside the Starbucks bathroom. That's why I'm rating this move a Mikey Likey, okay? Now, yeah, moving on. A Mikey Likey. One of the biggest stories of the week is the rising price of eggs. Now, if you watch this program regularly, like I'm sure you do, you might have heard me say this a few times ago.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Come here, come here, come here. I guarantee egg prices will drop come February. You can bet the farm on it. People saying, but Kosta, the bird flu's getting really bad. So what? Chickens aren't birds. They're chickens, you mouth-breathing imbeciles. All right, so turns out chickens are birds. Fine. I'm not a bird doctor, I'm a human. And now that I know this, let's make some money.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
This raises more questions, because... Groceries is not an old-fashioned word. It's a word we use right now to describe groceries. There's actually no other word for it. So now... So now I'm wondering, does Donald Trump know what groceries are?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on the right track. Not all bags with things in them are groceries. Can you ask your brain to narrow it down a little bit?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Everything you eat. So simple. So almost correct. It says everything, yet absolutely nothing. Let's keep digging.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Every... every single item of grocery. I have to say, I never thought of it like that. I thought groceries were merely some items of grocery, but every item of grocery? And now his bulging frontal lobe must wrestle with the most important question of all. What, in a cosmic sense, are groceries?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Enlightenment. Groceries are food. Food are groceries. Unless we forget groceries are every single item of grocery. And yet, Trump's mental journey with groceries goes on, leaving us with more unanswered questions like, has it been so long since he stepped in a grocery store that his brain was like, I don't need this word anymore?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Or is he just an 80-year-old man whose brain is deteriorating before our eyes? Or, hear me out, maybe he's right, and nobody in America says the word groceries anymore. So we sent Grace Kuhlenschmidt to find out. What do you call this store behind you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Thank you, Grace. When we come back, Melissa Arnott-Reed will be joining you on the show. Don't go away.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Whoa! How fun is that? Oh, my God. Thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. Thank you for opening up so much of your personal and professional life in this book. You've summited Mount Everest six different times.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Is there, like, a loyalty rewards program when you go up and you get a free drink on your seventh time or something? Yeah, absolutely, 100%.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah. This is a simple question, but what is it like? I mean, the most, the highest I've ever skied is at 13,000 feet. I couldn't breathe. I was freezing, and it was like, get down to warmth as fast as I can. Camp one... is at 19,000 feet, and Mount Everest is 29,000 feet? What is it like to be up there?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah. Suck it, Elon. Now you only have $340 billion. What are you gonna buy with that, dumbass? And here's something we haven't said in a while. A second good thing happened for Democrats.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
So you had six beers with lunch right before you hit the slopes?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
But it must be, it's addicting because so many of the characters in your book, yourself included, organize their entire life around this action. And that includes letting everything else in one's life go to shit in a lot of ways.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Interesting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Why does it feel empty? You did the thing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Right. We were talking backstage, but what is it like to actually exist at elevations like that, from, like, motor skills and sleeping and eating?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Technically, that could be anybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
And do you recognize those peaks just from a picture, like you know exactly?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
No, that's okay. One of the things I love about this book, you can definitely dork out on all the climbing, but you really open up about your personal life and in particular the difficulties of your childhood. Why was that important for you to share? I'm glad you did.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
So often in the book, you're describing your personal life in turmoil, and then you would say, and then I went to Alaska and climbed a glacier, and then I biked across Colorado.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah, I was going to say, was that the coping strategy and mechanism?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah. Why does climbing Mount Everest without oxygen help you find inner peace, as you describe, and did it? Are you at inner peace now? There's probably a little bit of nerves talking to such a celebrity, but, like, are you... Honestly, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
It feels like... Climbers, high-level climbers, it's never enough. I mean, you get to the top with oxygen. I can do it without oxygen. Or I want to do it without oxygen. Or I want to do this thing. I want to do this thing. I mean, have you achieved inner peace, the ultimate?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
I was really laughing at your book when you were struggling. That's so kind of you. Excuse me. You were struggling so much with relationships with men. And then you would go do this feat. And I was like, it might be harder. to be married than to climb Mount Everest.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
More technical, probably, to climb Everest than, I don't know, that was meant to be kind of a climbing joke. That was a good one. You got broken up with on camp two at Everest.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
I mean, I got broken up with at a bar, and every time I go to the bar, I shake, but it's like every time you go to Everest, you're like, oh, that's where that happened.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
I'm never staying in that tent again.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Right. Explain acclimation to me. I don't understand that. You go up, you hang out, then you come back down, then you go back further. What is that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Still easier than marriage.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Okay, sorry, keep going.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
That's so cool. Talk to me a little bit about the Juniper Fund and what it is and why it's important to you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
These are essential, what's the word, workers, helpers, teammates during this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
And things go wrong.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
I mean, you've experienced and seen the absolute worst. I mean, one of the more harrowing descriptions early in the book is when people are climbing up, there's bodies that get left there because maybe even the families of the climbers want them to stay there or you can't recover them. And then you've, I mean, yeah, it's really moving to read, but also you've seen some shit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
What an amazing day for Cory Booker. Not so great for the C-SPAN cameraman who missed the birth of his first child and kindergarten graduation. It was a long speech. And Booker not only set a new record, he broke the 1957 record held by segregationist Strom Thurmond, a man so racist we never even talk about how weird of a first name Strom is. Is that short for stromboli?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Still easier than marriage.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
I kind of love that achievement competitive mindset. And I have to admit that when I was reading that, I was like, I wonder if a college tennis player could have what it takes. Do we have what it takes? Like, does this audience, some of them more than others, have what it takes to actually do that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Do you... Would you wish for a less dramatic traumatic childhood?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
What would you say to younger Melissa about romantic relationships with men?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
I it's a treat for me to get to talk to such a world class athlete and achiever. And I I would be remiss if I didn't ask you for a life hack, something that you do that's helped you, that we could all steal from you. Does anything come to mind? It can be climbing. It can be anything related. What's I love getting in the mindset of someone that's done what you've done.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
That's awesome. And that's very hard. Now I have a follow up. I always like the tree and the wind. The trees move with the wind. They don't go like this and then break.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Right. Medically, you're also trained medically. You talk about being called into emergencies. What should we know medically? What's one thing I should know medically all the time?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Okay. Oh, shit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
How is that a life hack?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Right. I love that. Thank you so much for writing this book. I loved it. Enough is available now. Melissa or not, read. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
What the hell's going on here? You never want a huge racist at the top of the record books. If, like, the world record for eating the biggest burrito was held by Hitler, someone should probably beat that sooner rather than later. And the amazing thing is that Booker didn't just get up there and read from Wikipedia.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
He stayed focused on condemning the Trump administration's assault on working people and the rule of law. So you can imagine that when he was done, the media had a lot of questions for him about these serious issues.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Were you wearing anything that allowed you to not have to go to the bathroom for 25 hours? Senator, Senator, Senator, Senator, pee pee? Senator, a follow up, poo poo? This is why our country is in the shape that it's in. The media won't talk about the substance of his speech. They'd rather talk about how he held it in for so long. No one cares about that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
But just out of curiosity, how did he do it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The downside is that he was hungry the whole time, but the benefit is that he can go straight from the Senate floor to his colonoscopy. So that's a bonus. But that is pretty amazing. It's pretty amazing. He didn't eat for three days, although he is a vegan, so that's not much of a sacrifice, you know? Oh, no, a weekend without tempeh.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
But let's move on, because while Democrats were congratulating themselves for their bladder control, Donald Trump was shitting out a new holiday.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Liberation Day.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Right. Liberation Day. That sounds like the fake holiday your friends make up after you get dumped, you know? No, man. No, man. Who needs that beautiful, smart, independently wealthy woman in your life when you could die alone? This is your Liberation Day, bro. But actually, what is it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Okay, so Liberation Day is just the day that Trump announced new tariffs. I kind of doubt this day will be remembered for all of history, but if you give me a day off from work, you can call it whatever you want, to be honest with you. You might be thinking, what am I even being liberated from? The ability to afford goods and services? Yes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
But what Trump is hoping happens is that businesses move back to America. But until then, Republicans are preparing Americans for the inevitable rocky road ahead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Great. It's like a home remodel. I feel much better about tariffs now that you compared it to something famous for costing people way more than they ever expected. Nobody... Nobody likes a remodel. And they especially don't like the people in charge of the remodel. Even the homeowners who hired Jesus to be their carpenter hated him. Is he seriously going out for another walk on water?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
I'm gonna kill that guy. But look, guys, whether you like it or not, Republicans don't want to hear your bitching because we all knew this was coming.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah, that's right, voters. You can bellyache all you want, but we all knew what we were voting for. Trump was very honest during the campaign that tariffs would drive prices higher, right? Right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Okay, okay. Technically, he said prices wouldn't go up, but in his defense, he was lying. And you should have known that, so that's on you. But you know what?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Why would you think that making money was something this guy cared about? Just because it's on the desk? And the screen? And the wall? And the other wall? Life isn't about making... Oh, also another one on that same wall? But look, I get what these guys are saying. In the long run, these tariffs will make America more prosperous, even if in the short run, you personally will lose all your money.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
So, if you're so short-sighted that going broke and dying in a ditch bothers you, there's a new Fox Business show you'll definitely want to check out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
When we come back, we'll find out what's inside Trump's brain. Don't go away.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Welcome back to The Daily Show. The human brain. It's a three-pound mass of tissue that can comprehend the vastness of our universe. And remember the lyrics to that Barenaked Lady song. Chicka da China, the Chinese chicken. I don't even like that song. F*** you, brain. And no brain holds within it more mysteries than that of American president and ketchup-fueled sex machine Donald Trump.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
As fate would have it, the thoughts that dwell inside that brain now affect everyone on Earth. So why not try to understand how it works? Come with me on a magical, scientific voyage in our new segment.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
A lot of thoughts have been occupying... Excellent. A lot of thoughts have been occupying Trump's mind lately. Invading Greenland. Boobs. Taking over the Panama Canal. Boobs. Selling Teslas. And, of course, putting tariffs on boobs. It's a beautiful, horny mental tapestry. But recently, one mysterious word has been stuck in Trump's brain.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah. Yeah, groceries. I mean, who uses that word except everybody all the time? Donald Trump found the word fascinating. And this was not just a fleeting thought. His brain has been contemplating the word groceries for a while now.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yes. Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Michael Kosta. We've got so much to talk about tonight. What a great audience. Cory Booker bursts his bladder. America's economy experiments with S&M. And we'll tell you why Trump would be the worst Instacart shopper ever. Let's get into the headlines, shall we?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Please, sir, my groceries. What? Now, based on that, you might think that Trump has never heard the word groceries until the 2024 campaign and just thought this must be a new slang word, you know? He was probably like, Barron, what's groceries? Is that like riz? But if you tunnel deeper into Trump's brain, you find out that he's heard the word before just not in a long time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
After the Cut | Correspondents 2024 - Part 2
I will say this, the process of going into the field is
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
After the Cut | Correspondents 2024 - Part 2
Oh, great. You have an opinion on this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
After the Cut | Correspondents 2024 - Part 2
Remember when Mark Philip Pustis would practice with his shirt off? I mean, I'm not even gay, and I was getting hard for that guy. You know what I mean?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
After the Cut | Correspondents 2024 - Part 2
The biggest issue I thought was the grips, right? The grips are off.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
After the Cut | Correspondents 2024 - Part 2
It's like if I was like, hey, so this water is really delicious. So when we say gripping, I mean the way they were holding the racket.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
When you think of successful markets that have thrived during the pandemic while so many others have perished, you think of Zoom, Amazon, sweatpants, and haunted dolls. That's right, haunted dolls are big right now. Now, I'm not usually an occult guy, but to survive in this economy, I'm willing to make a deal with the undead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
But first, I had to find out more about the business, and who better to teach me than Kat Blauers, the number one seller of haunted dolls on eBay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
You are literally in the business of ghosting people. When did you notice that the haunted doll business was skyrocketing and that you are basically the Jeff Bezos of haunted dolls?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
How many dolls would you say you've sold in the last year?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Okay, now Costa's into it. But my big question, aside from how can I hide $4,000 of doll sales from the IRS, is what made a haunted doll a haunted doll? According to haunted doll sellers, any doll that was inhabited by the soul of a dead person was prime for selling. But what made one haunting more expensive than another? When you say haunted, for me that sounds scary.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
You're also saying that there's a positive haunting?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Oh, you mean the baby with its legs ripped off?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
What if it's like a really evil spirit?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
You can sell a human soul on eBay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Who was selling too many human souls?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Wow. Clearly Catherine was selling these haunted little hotcakes, but who are the everyday folks buying these haunted dolls? Hi, oh, I know, it's you. I know you. Hi. Yep, the Stormy Daniels. Stormy's doll, Susan, was purchased in 2011 and is said to be cursed with a uniquely malevolent spirit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Before we even started shooting, the producer on set here wanted to touch her, and you said, don't do that, you'll shit your pants.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
What has Susan added to your life?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Okay, but is Susan really worth that much?
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TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Is that her handle, this little plastic bitch?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Would you say she's living her best afterlife?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
So I went back to Kat to learn about the highly scientific analysis process used to identify a haunted doll. So... Bells. Okay. After studying the extensive tools needed and the strict procedure... What if the UPS guy rings the doorbell? That screws it up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
I knew if I was serious about getting into the business of haunted dolls, the next step had to be trying out the haunted product to see what all the fuss is about.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
Is it safe to say that she was killed by a white man? Yes. Probably.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
What is it with the white men lately? What would Jennifer cost for someone?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
All right, Jennifer. Sorry you got murdered. So I left with my free trial named Jennifer, and I took a video diary to record my feedback. Hey, so day one with Jennifer. I don't know if I really get it yet. The only thing I can report, I have had some violent dreams.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
There was a river of blood and there was stabbing, but still better than what I was dreaming about before, which was the state of this country. So I think I'm starting to get it a little bit. Did you make this for me? I don't know if she's following me or if I just bring her everywhere. I can't do this with you watching. Thank you. The soul of this doll has excellent comedic timing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Barbie
It's just great having someone around who laughs at my jokes. She is a haunted doll and I know what I'm saying and it sounds crazy, but it's just, it's wonderful. Nice to meet you, nice to meet you. I'm gonna kill you. Just kidding. The trial's over and I can't get into this business. Sending Jennifer back to Catherine is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You gotta go. Get in the box.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just... Oh, no, that's a gun. Meet Miko. For 20-plus years, he's been a firearms instructor for law enforcement personnel, military, and special forces. He also happens to be one hunk of a man. So, Thor, tell me about Swiss gun culture.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Black people. You know, I always knew... Is that...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
British Petroleum. Can we cut that? Can we cut that part out? British Petroleum.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You know, Marky, I have to admit, when I came here, I thought it was bullshit, Marky. I kind of thought you were this crazy woman who decided to make Lake Erie a person. But here you are on the battlegrounds every day fighting against big agriculture, fighting against the state of Ohio, fighting for this beautiful body of water. The real hero here, yeah, you a little bit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
But even more so than that, I'm the one who's showcasing you. So if anything, I'm the hero. And that's why I love this story. So maybe a person can make a difference. And maybe a lake can become a person. And maybe you can even get married to the handsome, sensitive correspondent who saved it. I do. Because true love is pure. It is deep. It is clear. It's perfect. And it tastes sweet. Ah! Ah!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Why didn't you tell me? There's something wrong with this water. Meet the alt-right. White lives matter! White lives matter! A loosely connected group of right-wing white nationalists, known for chanting confusing conspiracy theories like... all while dressed like kids whose divorced dads made their Halloween costumes. And these World War II reenactment rejects have one other thing in common.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
They are angry. But what do they have to be so angry about? I'm a white guy, things are great. Cops don't pull me over, I pull them over to ask for a bottle opener. Thanks, officer. No, you have a great day. There's no logical reason why the alt-right should be so angry. They're kind of winning. But what if there was a deeper reason for their frustration?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
What? Clinical psychologist Dr. David Lay has a theory about why these young men are so angry. They're not strangling their Pepes. They know how to masturbate. They're not going side to side, right? They know it's up and down. I don't think this is a technique issue.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
This guy masturbates. Dr. Lay explained that the main proponents of this no wank philosophy were the Proud Boys.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
The Proud Boys believe that not masturbating increases their testosterone and makes them more desirable to women, which brings up one question.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
So there's evidence that masturbating makes you a more masculine man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You're right. I watch a lot of gang bangs, and one day I thought, oh, my God, women have it so hard. This isn't fair. 95 guys and one girl? We need some better representation here. And the Proud Boys are just the tip. There are stroke shamers all over the alt-right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
What is it about the Jews with these guys? And speaking of which, this far-right moratorium on salami wrestling has been going on longer than you think.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Which, to be fair, is a real threat, since the last time Switzerland was invaded was in 1798, before color was invented. So of course they have a militia.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
First they came for our fleshlights, and I said nothing. So it's not just the insidious beliefs, mob violence, and haircuts. The alt-right jacked this off the Nazis, too?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
So what you're saying is masturbation can save lives. Definitely. You know what? Let's do it right now. Let's show them all. Let's go. I love talking to you, man. Come on. Take out your dick!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
We can't show you the rest of that interview, but I will say, when I think about these young people being manipulated into joining hate groups, it makes me very angry and frustrated and... Excuse me for one second. Anyway, if you or anyone you know seems to be getting drawn into the alt-right, before buying that tiki torch, try lighting the one inside your khakis first.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
I'm Michael Kosta telling all you young angry men to stop hatin' and start baitin'.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You're familiar that I'm American, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Hi. I'm Michael Kosta. And before I started covering the news on cable TV, I was a successful professional athlete. What sport? Tennis. Duh. I was ranked 864 in the world, so I was a natural to investigate the newest sport sweeping the nation. Video games?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
I went to California to a so-called training center in someone's garage to talk with these eathletes about why video games isn't a sport.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
This was the Alienware training facility for esports Team Liquid, complete with scrimmage stations, a war room, PR department, a team coach, and even an in-house chef? The team's star, whose name is Taco, was acquired from Brazil's top team. This is a real sport. You call yourself an athlete?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
What is an esport athlete? Mr. Taco do every day? Just practice. Yeah. I'm a former professional tennis player. That's what I would call a real sport. There is an opponent, and you would relish the opportunity to defeat them with your racket.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Yeah, I've noticed that. Yeah, well, I can say that, but I don't like it when you say that. Okay. But what we do have is that good old American gun freedom. You know how easy it is to get a gun in the U.S.? I just go to Walmart, give them the money, gun. I know. My uncle Paul, out of his truck, he's got a bunch of guns. My brother Todd has a gun. You want to use it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
That finger's killed one million people. At least. Taco is referring to his kills in Counter-Strike, a game where guys shoot other guys before a bomb goes off, apparently. How is this a sport? I won the Ann Arbor Junior Open at 11 years old. How hard can it be to pound on these dorks? What are you staring at, huh? I'm going to whoop your ass next. To the left, to the left. To the left.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Oh, Jesus Christ. I shot him four times. He shoots me once and I die? These games were clearly rigged against more muscular athletes. Oh, Jesus. How do I keep dying, Taco? But who's paying for these cucks to sit around all day and mash buttons? Apparently, guys like three-time NBA champion Rick Fox, owner of esports franchise Echo Fox. What are you doing with these nerds, man?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You're a real athlete. And so are they. What the shit are you talking about? Me and you, we played real sports, you know? You could see our balls in our pants when we played. Were you an athlete? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I played professional tennis. I was ranked 864 in the world. Oh, okay. You won a couple tournaments? No, I didn't win the tournaments, but... How much money did you make in your career?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
I made $11,000 about, but there's a whole system and I was right in there playing as a pro athlete.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
And while players like Taco made over $800K last year, other top gamers earned upwards of $4 million. And thanks to advertising and sponsorships, revenues will top $1.4 billion this year. $1.4 billion? Are you kidding me? But what really makes it legit is Vegas sports books take bets on it. So I did what anyone would do. Sold my dog for $3,000 and put it all on Team Liquid at the Barclays Center.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
I'll buy him back after I win. Amsterdam, London, Cologne, Montreal. I don't give a shit. You're in Brooklyn now, baby. This is the Barclays Center. This is where champions play and the Brooklyn Nets. We're going to heal as a team or we're going to die as individuals. Did I make myself clear?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
It was time for Team Liquid to win in the semifinals and make me some money.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Boom, borrow it for the weekend. That's nice.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
They fought to outmaneuver, evade, and shoot their opponent's heads off. And just when it looked like Team Liquid was on the ropes, they rallied.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Are video games a sport? Who cares? I'm rich. Time to try to buy my dog back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Even if I get a gun from my grandpa, I still got to tell the cops about it? Yeah. That's crazy, because in most states in America, you can buy a gun almost immediately without any background check. But not in Switzerland.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
What if you got caught urinating in public? You got caught for sleeping with your cousin because you didn't know it was a cousin because it was at your family reunion and she looked like she worked at catering. What if it's like assaulting a police officer, but really you were just tickling him?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You don't need to raise your voice over this. Was there even a payoff to all these rules? How many school shootings have there been? None. What about malls? Have you seen people shoot? No. What about like major holidays? People get shot up at major holidays here? Nothing. Come on, with all those guns, they had to have at least one mass shooting somewhere.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
After weeks of research, I discovered there was, in fact, one mass shooting in the Swiss parliament in 2001. But they haven't had one since? C'est incroyable. You had a mass shooting 17 years ago. We have one every 17 minutes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You learned from a mistake and you made an improvement in the law. That's so Europe. And while Switzerland's last mass shooting was in 2001, America has had, no, keep going, no, more, more, yeah, there you go, over 1,900 mass shootings since 2012, averaging to about one a day, which is why Mikko felt I needed to be properly trained before I headed back to the States.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
We have to talk about safety first. Can I like with this one?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
No, I am. Let's do it. Let's blow some shit up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Jesus, this scares the shit out of me. I'm glad we had that safety instruction. This is the dream, shooting guns without the fear of getting shot. This is where America should be.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
All we need to do is keep ammo separate and have universal criminal and mental background checks, have extremely strict open carry laws, justification for ownership, send written requests to authorities, and basically just change our entire gun culture. We can do that, right? It's not really that fun when you keep shitting yourself. You get used to it. No, this isn't a green screen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
This is real disgusting Switzerland, a neutral country full of non-combative chocolate-eating yodelers. And they're also full of guns. In my previous report, I trained with firearms expert Miko. Miko, look. I shot some holes in the... Swiss cheese. I learned that when it comes to gun culture, Switzerland has a few more regulations than America.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
And thanks to these gun regulations and strict ammunition control, Switzerland has a murder rate of nearly zero. Sure, that's a great statistic, but how safe can it really be? To learn more about their gun culture, I attended the world's largest annual shooting festival right here in... Holy , that's a lot of guns. Even that baby has a gun.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
There's not enough training in the world to prepare me for this, so I brought my two secret weapons, my translator, Pierre, and my super manly, rock-hard American vest.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Ah, that's funny. Pussy vest. Why aren't you wearing a pussy vest? People are walking around with guns. Because it's safe. Oh, my God. What is that? What is that? Hold. Oh, my God. They're shooting. No worries. They're shooting? They're shooting over there, not here. How many accidents have happened here? Nine. Nine accidents?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
We haven't the rules. Rules? What kind of rules let little kids participate in this Glocktoberfest? You love shooting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
They also throw booze into the mix because pourquoi pas? It's a national party. Oh, here comes the beer, everybody. Let's let the beer walk through.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
America loves guns. Hell, I love guns, but I also hate guns. Another mass shooting in America. Another mass shooting. Yet another mass shooting. So I was wondering, what if there was a world where people could keep their guns and have no mass shootings?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Yeah, it's finished. Well said guns and beers. This was an American wet dream, but something was different in this country.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Why should I listen to this drunk Swiss roll?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Nowhere else could a former president be surrounded by thousands of firearms with no security. How can we get America to feel this safe? That's your problem. That's my problem. Well, that's as neutral as it gets. But he's right. It is our problem. I mean, here they can shoot guns, drink beer, and no one gets hurt. In America, something like this could never happen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
I decided to embrace this culture and hang with the only group that would let me in. Wow. Yeah, you guys got AR-15s here, huh? Meet the Shooting Society of Prez. It was time to show these Swiss fondues how Americans shoot guns. I missed? You missed, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You ever take your gun to school? No. No? We don't are American. You're not American? No. OK, well, I can say that, but he can't. These Swiss kids, huh? Even if it is true, because the fact is, for Swiss kids, life with guns is very different.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
So your son, when he goes to school, he just has to worry about school?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Unlike America, Switzerland has found a way to peacefully coexist with firearms.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
And one of the main reasons is that while these gun owners may be loaded, it's actually illegal for their guns to be loaded when not in use.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
So America, if we're going to insist on being a nation of gun nuts, we could at least try and Swiss things up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Welcome to Switzerland, a neutral country most known for its cobblestone streets perfect for skipping, its clocks, sophisticated pocket knives, and guns. Turns out peaceful Switzerland is one of the most heavily armed nations in the world. And like America, they love their guns. Yet they have almost zero gun violence. How the is that possible? Luckily, I ran into an expert.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Right now, I'm standing on top of Lake Erie. Well, I'm actually on a boat that's on, you know how that works. Recently, the residents of Toledo, Ohio voted to make Lake Erie a person. What does that even mean? All right, can we go back? I think I'm gonna puke. Local activist Marky Miller is one of the human people responsible for getting the Lake Erie personhood initiative passed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
How far can this go? A lake is a person? What's next, it's a swimming pool a person? Is a dog a person? Is a child a person? Do you see how slippery this slope is?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
You can be honest here. I'm from Michigan. Anyone that's been down here knows the people here, they kind of march to their own drummer.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
So making a lake into a person is clearly a weird sex thing, but Markey and her fellow conservationists have even more selfish motivations.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
It is something that we enjoy, isn't it, as humans? Do you mind if I just... But is turning your lake into a person really the best way to protect it? Apparently so. According to the Community Environmental Legal Defense Fund, which has successfully turned nature into persons in places as exotic as Ecuador, New Zealand, and Pennsylvania.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
I mean, what is a person, Tish? Is this lake a person? It's living. It's living, okay. What about that river?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
Is this a person? Oh my God, Jesus, sorry. Why was that there? Why was that in there? What do you say to your critics that say, this is absolutely batshit crazy?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Michael Kosta
And there's tons of opposition to giving Lake Erie the rights of a person, from farms, the state government, fishermen with IBS, basically anyone else trying to get rid of their toxic dumps.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
Gunnery, not that bad. Of course, one of the hottest spring break destinations is Florida, where the beaches are as bountiful as the meth dealers. But in recent years, the fun has been getting dangerously out of hand, and one Florida city has had enough.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
Now, because of the crackdown, many students have decided to go to Fort Lauderdale instead of Miami. But that's not a good idea either, because one, it's Fort Lauderdale, and two, the cops there are hassling Spring Breakers in a way that might even be worse.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
You ready to go? Obviously they don't have their thinking caps on. Then they'd get a thinking cap tan line. But, I'm sorry, do you know how bad your spring break has to be to want to become a cop afterwards? Usually when college students get blackout drunk, they wake up with a penis sharpied on their face. These kids are waking up like, why do I have a police badge?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
Hey, I see you're blowing all your parents' money. How'd you like to blow an entire city's money?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
I notice you've been sitting doing nothing for six straight hours. You want to keep doing that, but with a gun?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
Of course, if you don't want to go to Florida, there are literally hundreds of other fun places. There's one other fun place for you to go on spring break, and that's New Orleans. And to prove the Big Easy still knows how to party, here's Fox News with a major scoop.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
Oh, stop. I mean, this isn't the first time Fox has talked to someone who's abusing bronzer and cocaine. They've been covering the Trumps for nine years. Hey! Yeah! Take it. At least she's doing it in the right order. I mean, this one time, I snorted bronzer and applied cocaine, and it totally ruined my grandmother's funeral. But... the point is... Spring break can be risky.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Spring Break
People are abusing drugs. They're getting in the trouble. They're considering careers in law enforcement. It's frightening stuff. And that's why, for the sake of yourself and for your future kids, drop out of college. It's the only way you can avoid spring break altogether.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
I know, Sarah, but every holiday is an opportunity for scams. Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook claimed he was Abraham Lincoln and asked me for money, which was clearly a scam, because I had already just wired the real Abraham Lincoln $10,000. There's only one Lincoln, buddy. How stupid do you think I am?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
Yeah. The elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable and they're so horny. Honestly, I'm scared for my own loved ones. That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
As a preventative measure, yes. The best way I can protect my 97-year-old grandmother from being scammed is to scam her myself. This way she feels loved and I put all the money she sends me right back into her bank account. It's the same way I stop dogs from eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street by eating them myself.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
Okay, well, it works the same as normal catfishing. You create a profile of a charming but believable person. In my case, Miguel Gustavo, international art dealer and king of Brazil. First, you like their posts. Then you start the DMs. Hey, I like what I see. Show me what you got under that sweater you knitted for yourself. Here's what I'm packing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
Well, not my nudes. Obviously, I'm not a creep. I send her pics of guys I find online. Okay, good. Phew, I thought you exchanged nudes. No. No, I mean, she sends me her nudes. Oh, my God. Look, I know it's gross. I don't like it either. I am glad she's using the yoga classes I got her for Christmas, but still, I don't want to see it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
Just like I don't want to spend hours texting with her about how her grandson never calls or have her explain every episode of The Yellowstone. It's just Yellowstone, Grandma. I don't have a choice, Sarah, okay? As Michael Kosta, I can't keep my grandma offline, but as Miguel Gustavo, well, I can make sure her money stays where it belongs, in the bank account that I'm going to inherit one day.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
Thank you, Sarah. I really am the best grants... Sorry, I got... My grandma's DMing me. Mi amor, please send $5,000. I'm having my third kidney removed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
All right, let me stop you right there, Chief, okay? Sorry to disappoint you, but I can't. It's the plumber's code. The plumber's code? That's right. It's the iron code all plumbers live by. One, never tell a toilet secrets. Two, always round up the bill. Three, no visible butt crack. Trying to break that stereotype.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
So I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what I know about Trump's toilet, no matter what.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
All right, fine, I'll tell you. I was in Trump's bathroom almost every day pulling paper out of the toilet. I unclogged so many classified documents they had to give me top secret clearance. I'm talking CIA briefings, diplomatic cables, the medical experiments that created Rudy Giuliani. Honestly, some of the stuff I didn't understand what it meant.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
Like, I found this one document that just says, nuke Spain, question mark. Oh, wow. Yeah. You must have been pretty frustrated with President Trump giving you so much unnecessary work. Are you kidding me? I love President Trump. He made my job more interesting, and he trusted me with our nation's top secrets, unlike certain other presidents who just use the toilet to poop or pee.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | It's Classified
No, no, no. Mike Pence never even used the bathroom. He actually doesn't have any holes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an emergency I have to deal with. Kamala Harris has been locked in the bathroom for the past year. Oh, wow.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Behind the Show | Al Madrigal on What Makes a Great Field Piece
My concern was a lot of the radical ideas that they were teaching in these classes, telling these kids that this is their land, the whites took it over, and the only way to get out from beneath the gringo, which is the white man, is by bloodshed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Behind the Show | Al Madrigal on What Makes a Great Field Piece
Why even go? Why even go? I base my thoughts on hearsay from others, so I based it off of those.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Behind the Show | Al Madrigal on What Makes a Great Field Piece
How am I going to teach you about slavery? Slavery was... How did I end up here? Slavery was a... Okay, now I gotta figure out how. Okay, the white man did bring over the Africans. And what kind of jobs did we do? The jobs that you guys did was basically slavery jobs. So after we were freed, we got to vote? Yes. You got, well, you didn't get to vote until later. And we were equal? Almost equal.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Behind the Show | Al Madrigal on What Makes a Great Field Piece
What, we were like sort of a half or three-fifths? My personal perception of it, I would say you're probably a quarter. It was insane.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
starting with Twitter. It's what Elon Musk bought for his midlife crisis instead of a Lamborghini. Over the weekend, Elon released the so-called Twitter files, which many conservatives had hoped would prove that Twitter colluded with Democrats to censor news about Hunter Biden's laptop during the 2020 election.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Instead, they mostly just showed the Biden campaign asking Twitter to take down nude photos of Hunter Biden. So yeah, sorry everyone. If you want to see naked people, you've got to go to every other website on the internet, I guess. So the Twitter files turned out to be a major letdown for conservatives, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
There was no proof of a conspiracy to help defeat Donald Trump, but you know who doesn't care about any of that? Donald Trump.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Yeah, that's right. The Republican frontrunner for president of the United States wants to terminate the Constitution because Twitter wouldn't allow him to see Hunter Biden's dick. Yeah. He's like, I want to see the pee-pee. I want to see it. I want to see what I'm dealing with. If you want to see Hunter Biden's dick, just get a bag of cocaine like everyone else, Mr. President.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Also, why is this still news? Can anyone tell me? Like, why is this still even a headline? Donald Trump thinks this undermines the election. He thinks that about everything. Everything. However the math equation starts, his answer is always the same. Doesn't matter where, like a waiter could come up like, I'm sorry, sir, the kitchen says we've run out of the Mickey Mouse pancakes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
This is the last straw. We need to redo the election. We do have the Donald Duck waffles. It's too late, I'm storming the Capitol. I'll have those to go, please. And look, I get that Trump doesn't like to lose, but my man, 2020 is over. You've gotta move on. You know, Trump is like one of those guys who never stops trying to get back with his ex.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Like, he's texting her years later, like, hey, you up? And she's like, yeah, I'm up with my kids from my marriage. I'm like, oh, still playing hard to get, huh? I like that. I like that. But honestly, though, what a start to the Trump 2024 campaign. First, he had dinner with Nazi lovers. Now he's calling to scrap the Constitution. What's next?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Welcome back to the Daily Show. The United States Constitution. We all talk about it, but does anyone who's not Nicolas Cage really understand it? Well, Michael Kosta went looking for such a person in his new segment, Thank Me Later. Hi, I'm Michael Kosta.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Civic activism, does it work? Can one person make a difference? Tonight on Thank Me Later, we'll meet one man who did the impossible. No, not me. He changed the United States Constitution forever. I sat down with this American hero. And you can thank me later. Hi there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
That's right. This Lone Star scholar got an amendment ratified to the Constitution, like the Supreme Law of America Constitution, as in the 1787 Founding Fathers Constitution. You're not a founding father. You're more like a weird uncle of the U.S. Constitution.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Oh, stepfather. So you are nice sometimes, but then sometimes you come home drunk and treat the kids crappy because they're not really yours.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
I'm very familiar with the Constitution. I'm a huge fan. Why don't you tell our viewers what the 27th Amendment is? Again, I'm very certain I know what it is, but go ahead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Now, for you dum-dums who don't care about our country, three-quarters of the states are needed to ratify an amendment. So how did this egghead get it done?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
You're an undergrad. Yes, a sophomore. You're a sophomore who realized that this amendment, which was introduced in 1789, was still available to be ratified.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
During spring break, when I'm at the wet t-shirt contest in Cancun, you're realizing that an amendment can still be ratified in the U.S. Constitution. Yes, yes. So you write this paper. Yes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
John, could you just stick to the reenactment? Also, you're meant to be 19 years old, so can you act like a hot teen? No, I can't.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
This whole time, I thought you'd be some Harvard Law constitutional scholar lobbyist to elicit change. You're really just a pain in the ass.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Yeah. When the 27th Amendment was finally ratified, what did they give you as a sign of respect for your work?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Constitution
Man, I was afraid I was going to hear a sad, depressing story like that, which is why I made this for you, Gregory Watson. This is a trophy commemorating you on getting the 27th Amendment ratified.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
So this would be considered a high-end suite? Correct. You know, if I wanted to knock out this area and put a breakfast nook here, do you have a contractor for that? in its own dual-purpose wall bed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Yeah, this is pretty good. This feels perfect for the collapse. Fortitude Ranch doesn't just offer a place to rest your head, but also the hardware necessary to blow off anyone else's.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
You know what I like here? The knife. You cool if I just use that? I feel like people who use guns are afraid of intimacy. Not me. Ow. Fortunately, all ranch members are trained to engage in combat operations. We see you, we're gonna shoot you!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
You don't say, back up, bitch? No, we don't. Well, don't you come to me when you wipe out an entire troop of Girl Scouts selling cookies. And most amazingly, this ranch is all-inclusive. The food supply for each member is guaranteed for a full year, although some ranch inhabitants might not be as happy with the arrangement.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Let's be honest. If the collapse lasts long enough, anybody could be food.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Cool, thanks, good talking to Drew. I'm gonna get the out of here. Drew's chicken a la Marauder would certainly be a must try, but it did also raise some lingering questions about this post-apocalyptic paradise. I mean, if society collapses out there, there's the same likelihood that society would collapse in here.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
You got to prepare for this. You got to, like... So you're not worried about Drew or his staff killing us, eating our food, or worse. I haven't put much thought into it, and I just, you know, it is what it is at a certain point.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Better not to dwell on the worst-case scenario when you're prepping for the apocalypse. After all, being in the surviving 10% of humanity would also offer some exciting opportunities. I've decided that I'm willing to be a member here at Fortitude Ranch.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
But I would like to be in charge of the repopulation program.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
I love these libertarians.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
America seems pretty idyllic, but at any moment we could be faced with a pandemic, a climate disaster, or even a civil war that would lead to total societal collapse. But for some Americans, this is a great business opportunity. The hottest trend in the booming prepper market? Post-apocalyptic real estate. Market leader Fortitude Ranch sells shares in remote survival communities in eight U.S.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
locations with around 800 paying members. I met CEO Drew Miller inside his giant Jenga tower in West Texas.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
The country club that I belong to doesn't have a .50 caliber assault rifle hanging in the corridor. So you have people now who have bought into Fortitude Ranch. Oh yeah, we've been around for over a decade now. Okay, but these are just like right wing nut jobs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
According to Drew, the stereotype of preppers as paranoid, gun-humping, roadkill, eating outcasts is becoming outdated as societal collapse is getting less outlandish all the time. So what are you preparing for exactly?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Okay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Taylor Swift retires.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
Agree to disagree, agree to disagree. In a way, are you kind of hoping there's a total collapse just to prove that you're right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
But there would be a quick, like, I told you, motherf***ers. Now get to your stations, but just everybody say Drew's the smartest. Millions of preppers have been saying this, so. So who are the new normie preppers? I sat down with ranch member Ryan, who seems more Bushwick barista than rugged survivalist.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
is causing not just you, but millions of Americans to feel that maybe doomsday is coming.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
How much money would you say you give Fortitude Ranch?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
So what does Ryan get for his $3,000? I suited up to take the tour. First stop, the entry-level Spartan Room, which would make most New Yorkers say, I guess I don't have it that bad.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
You know, all the little games you could play with each other. My buddy Mike Kelleher, I fell asleep at the sleepover and he put my hand in warm water, right? And I shit myself.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Shills for Tesla, Trump Admin Flubs JFK File Release & DEI Scrubbing | Peter Wolf
But of course, there are several upscale tiers, from a private room with a very personal toilet. Having the toilet next to the bed, it almost gives it that prison feel. Well, it's a couple, so they shouldn't mind. I mean, some people get off on watching people use the bathroom. I don't know about that. To surviving in luxury in a penthouse suite with a walk-in kitchen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
But for Donald Trump, the power he enjoys the most is the power to impose tariffs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is a best-selling author, culinary expert, and host of National Geographic's No Taste Like Home. Please welcome Antony Perovsky. Nice. Wow. Thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. This show is amazing. It made me hungry. It made me emotional. It made you hungry for testicles. It made me hungry for testicles.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
For those of you that are unaware, maybe watching online, there was a clip before this that mentioned testicles.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Look, we're all hungry for testicles. Did you know that this show would get as elevated emotionally as it does?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Explain to those that haven't seen it about how you start at home with this family dish, a favorite dish, and you trace it back to the origin. And not only that, but through genes as well, right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
No, there is a lot going on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
I love that in that episode, James is in his family's kitchen. His mom is cooking. He says, oh, that's the smell that brings me back to my childhood. Fast forward to you guys in an outdoor kitchen in Bavaria, and you're making schnitzel. Right. And he goes, it's that smell. It's the same smell. Totally. That's when I started weeping. No, but it's... Schnitzel. Yeah. I'm crying over schnitzel.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Wow.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Tariff. It's a beautiful word. It's why I named my daughter Tariphony. This guy's so horny for tariffs, isn't he? I love any word with big, natural double Fs. According to Donald Trump, tariffs are great. And I also want our country to be rich without any negative consequences. So let's see how he's imposed tariffs on Canada and Mexico. And let's sit back and let's watch that economy roar, baby.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
I'm thinking there could be a spin-off called No Smell Like Home. And you smell like your grandparents' boxers or something, and then you...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
It's Nat Geo after hours. Yeah, yeah. You also don't have to respond to that. So talking about parents, you know, this is a cookbook that my wife made after my father passed. And it's of his favorite dishes. And watching this made me think of this recipe for this Eastern European soup that my dad made called strutschke. I mean, look at this thing. How can anybody read that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
I mean... By the way, when I was watching your show, I was thinking of this. And then I'm thinking of my dad's handwriting. And then I'm thinking of him in the kitchen with the apron on. Now I'm crying. It's not even about your show. It's about my dad. You really f***ed me up, Anthony.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Look, it's great if our favorite dish has a lineage back to the origin of country, but what sometimes happens, and I wonder, you know, my dad made this soup for us every Christmas Eve. No one in the family liked the soup.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Exactly. At one point, we said to his mom, my grandma, like, dad's been making strutski, and she goes, well, we don't eat that shit, you know? But there's also something fun about your show. When you go backwards, you find out stuff that maybe isn't so complimentary of the family or of the lineage. How do you process that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
I mean, there was the one with James where it's like, oh, my great-great-great-grandfather was in prison.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
You know, they didn't really know why, and there was a moment there where it's like, what did he do?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
There we go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Yeah. It turned good. Let's talk about the history. I mean, this is actually research.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
I watched your show and I said, wow, TV studios do have money. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. You're in a lot of foreign places. You're eating a lot of food. Yeah. You're using your hands. Did you mark off a day for traveler's diarrhea for you and the crew?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
We don't do heat. You even said that in the Malaysian episode. You were like, I don't really do heat, but now you can do heat.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
I find your personal history so connected also to this show because of your parents. Explain a little bit to your family history and how it's relevant.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
You might have answered it, but it's so clear in the show that the guest really sees how important this dish is, how important this food is to their family. For you personally, you know, we don't get to do this show with you, with your dish, but why is food so important to you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Tariffs brought back the R-word? So I guess I can say it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
The show's great. It's beautiful. Thank you. You kind of do what The Daily Show does, which is you trick us by entertaining us, and then somehow we've learned something and there's a message been presented. So I really loved it. Thank you so much for making it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
But before you go, if you're looking for a fun read, my new book, Lucky Loser, comes out this Tuesday, March 11th. It's a memoir about my life and how failing at professional tennis led me to be a comedian? What the f*** is that? Please, if you know how to read, please pre-order it now. Now here it is, your moment of zen. Sir, this tariff war is heating up, isn't it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Right, right, that R word. Of course, that's what I was thinking. I can be such a recession sometimes. By the way... Is recession an R-word now? Who thinks the word recession is offensive? Finance bros? Did they get woke?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Before we discuss the impending R-word, we begin by acknowledging that we are on the ancestral grounds of Capital Grill, where Chad was unjustly removed by the bartender before he could get a chance to cheat on his wife. Sup, Chad? So basically... Trump said the tariffs are gonna be a quick and painless way to get rich.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
And now that it turns out we're not all shitting gold, Republicans have moved into their new talking point. Hey, nobody said this was gonna be easy. Trust the process.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
And if I have to pay a little bit more for something, I'm all for it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Yeah, yeah. Nonsense. It's not inflation, people. It's just higher prices on food and cars and gas and every other product we import from our biggest trading partners. But do you know what? We might be in for some hard times, but tariffs are Donald Trump's whole thing. And if there's one thing I know about Donald Trump, he's a man who sticks to his guns. Uh.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. After all that, tariffs are now on hold? Trump just backed away from those tariffs like it was a longtime friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. So... So tariffs are on. They're delayed. They're off. Who knows if they'll come back or when or for how long? Look, I'm not a big business guy, but quick question.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Does anyone know if businesses need to make decisions more than four hours in advance? So it appears the only silver lining in this pointless trade war is that at least we're only fighting with Canada and Mexico, you know? If you're gonna pick a fight, pick a fight with two sissy countries you can beat, right? Right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Listen, Donald, Canada and Mexico are one thing, but please don't piss off China. I know you wrote The Art of the Deal, but they wrote The Art of War, okay? And I think a trade war with China might lead to, at best, a devastating economic depression, or at worst, nuclear destruction of most of American cities. Or as Trump might say... There'll be a little disturbance...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Look, for more on Trump's tariff policy and its economic effects, we go live to the White House with Josh Johnson. Josh.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Oh, recession.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Okay, but the American people don't like higher prices.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Trump did. He said they're necessary to bring back America's economy. And they are, which is why they're back on. So we are doing tariffs? Damn right we are. I ain't scared of shit. Not even more expensive housing? Tariffs are off. But that will increase the trade deficit. On again. What about the price of breakfast?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Josh, Josh, how can Trump run this country like this? Tariffs, no tariffs, we're Chinese, we're not Chinese. It's unsustainable.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
Josh, Josh, be realistic. Part of being a leader is knowing there are trade-offs to every decision. It's not possible for everyone to have a net gain. Well, I thought...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
There are millions of guns in America, but one 40-year-old virgin is trying to change that. Desi Lydic has more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Pauses Tariffs, Crashes the Stock Market & Threatens China | Antoni Porowski
I'm Michael Kosta. We've got so much to talk about tonight. The U.S. economy is down bad. Apparently America likes guns and Trump broke a campaign promise. So let's get into it. I'm going to come. Being president comes with a lot of pretty cool powers. You can write executive orders. You get one free checked bag on Air Force One. And you even get an uncensored feed of C-SPAN, which...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Tariffs. Yesterday, Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs across the entire globe. Asia, South America, Narnia, Arendelle, Wakanda, Bachelor Nation. If you can imagine it, Trump slapped a tariff on it. And today, the reviews came in.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight is a legendary actor who makes a surprise appearance on HBO's The White Lotus. Please welcome Scott Glenn. They love you. They love you. Look, White Lotus. Your character doesn't jerk off his brother, but he is a great mystery. How did you prepare for Jim Hollinger, this character?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
That's what I've been doing wrong this whole time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
To get ready for your acting role.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
$2.5 trillion vaporized. Your kid's college fund disintegrated. Your 401k given the death penalty. Your pension waterboarded in Guantanamo. Those stocks your nana gave you 20 years ago accidentally stepped on a landmine while vacationing in Vietnam. Economists say we could be on the verge of a recession, so things are looking scary right now. But don't worry.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
And he does... I haven't seen all of the, I mean, I haven't, I don't know what's coming, but Jim Hollinger, the character, is not a sword fighter.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
So why are you using swords to get ready for the act?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Is this why I haven't booked an audition?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
I love that. That's sweet. He's a mysterious character. We don't know if he killed the dad, if he's Walton Goggins' dad. What can you tell us? Or are you acting right now by not giving it away?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Stay tuned. All of your characters have an intensity, and I f***ing love them. I mean, the right stuff. Look at that. Bourbon Cowboy. Look at that, huh? Look at that. The Hunt for Red October. I get the sense that you have an intensity off-screen as well in your life. Is that true?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
No? I mean, martial arts with knives, you've already told us, used to race motorcycles, open water spearfish, ice climbing, skydiving. What is it about this stuff? Is acting just a little the safest thing you do?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
It's that challenge and that intensity that makes you feel alive. I just figured it out, man. I think you're right. I think I'm right, right? Um... You know, we're not the same generation, and I love talking to men of a generation older than me. So I have a few questions for you just to help me, okay?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
One, I love riding motorcycles, but I have kids now, and my wife is like, I've got to stop riding motorcycles. And I said, Scott, how do I have this conversation with my wife that this is when I feel alive when I'm driving motorcycles? What do I say to her? Tell me right now. Go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
The only thing the president is better at than negotiating is speaking soothing words of comfort in times of need.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Oh, so now I got to go motorcycle track. Yeah. All right, well, I'm going to hear what she says, and then we'll have to bring you back, and we'll tell you what she says. Is it safer on a track? I guess it would be safer, because I'm not going to hit a deer or a car or whatever.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Right. Oh, shit, I think that secures it for me. Um... You live in Idaho. Yeah. Not a lot of actors live in Idaho, and you've lived there for a long time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
How has that influenced your work? Does it? Was it important for you to not be in L.A. or New York? I'm from Michigan. I love when people in show business live somewhere else. I love that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Yeah. That's a great answer. I love that. Lastly... In The White Lotus, there's a spectrum of men with issues that are complex. They're seeking revenge. They have depression. And I just, you know, I feel men right now are struggling. There's the male friendship recession. Depression rates are high. This part isn't really funny. Suicide rates are high. I'm very curious.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
I love the masculinity you portray here. But what are your thoughts on men today? What can we steal? What can we learn from an older generation that would help us?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Okay. All right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Boy, I feel so much better now. You know, I mean, always reassuring when the surgeon comes out screaming at the top of his lungs, the patient is fine! Everything is going great! Does anybody have a mop? The thing is, the patient didn't need major surgery. We just needed a teeth cleaning. Keep it clean and shiny.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
No one wants to wake up from heart surgery to their dental hygienist shouting, I think he's going to live. Also, the patient is going to be bigger? Was the surgery a penis enhancement? If so, what kind? Was it latex injections, scrotoplasty, ligament extension, ventral phalloplasty, a fat transfer to enhance girth? I mean, I think those are the options. I don't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Now, look, you could argue that it's bad that my retired 78-year-old mom is polishing up her resume now, but to Donald Trump, it's all worth it because we're correcting a grave injustice.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Yeah, it's very simple in that it is simply not true. All right? The reality is that the numbers on his board are not the tariffs other countries are charging us. They actually represent the trade deficit between the U.S. and those countries, meaning we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us. I'm just going to repeat this. Those numbers don't represent the tariffs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
They represent that we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us. That means we're basically punishing other countries for selling us stuff that we want. This is like me going to John Varvatos and beating the shit out of him because I like his socks. Why don't you ever buy my socks, John Varvatos? I don't make any socks, but that's no excuse. But that's really what's going on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
It's not actually about tariffs. It's about other countries not buying enough of our stuff. Although Howard Lutnick, Commerce Secretary and cologne sponge, had another way to put it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Yeah, although I'm not sure tariffs are the reason we can't sell rice to Asia. I think they figured rice out about 10,000 years ago. Now, if they want to add Aroni, well, then let us know. We've got that figured out. By the way, Europe's beef is weak? I'm sure that's not true. They famously have a running from the beef event where the beef tramples people. But you know what?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
I'm not too concerned about Donald Trump not understanding how his tariffs work, because he's Donald Trump. He doesn't understand how to make money running a casino. The important thing is that there are adults in the room, like Scott Besson, Treasury Secretary and college dean who understands that boys will be boys. That guy's going to have the answers we need.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
What do you expect the stock market to look like when it opens tomorrow in reaction to this?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Should we view these as permanent...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
You know, I have a question. Do you know anything? Why are you out here doing interviews? It's not very reassuring to have the Treasury Secretary of the United States going... You know what? Maybe they can't give us clarification because there isn't clarification. We just assume they have a good reason for imploding the economy because why else would you implode the economy?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
But then you uncover something like this and you realize, I'm not sure they even know what they're doing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Yeah, yeah. We put a 10% tariff... We put a 10% tariff on an island that only has penguins? Trump would have been better off tariffing that island Tom Hanks got stranded on... At least it had one guy in that little volleyball he was f***ing. Is this a mistake?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Look, I know old people butt-dial strangers all the time, but this is the first time I've heard of someone butt-tariffing an entire country. For more on these tariffs, let's go live to that uninhabited Penguin Island with Grace Kuhlenschmidt.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Grace, hold on. Wait. Grace, hold on. Why are you dressed like a penguin?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Hottest one. But every penguin looks the same.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Okay, point taken. But Grace, I'm sure your reporting has shown that putting tariffs on the penguins is ridiculous.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Okay, why... Why would they buy fish from us? They're on an island surrounded by fish.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Okay, look, penguins don't need any of that stuff.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
No, because they don't have thumbs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Okay, okay, Grace, okay. I think you've been in that suit too long. Why don't you just come home?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Welcome back to The Daily Show. It's no secret that journalism is in a state of crisis, but in this new media landscape, new stars are emerging every day. So to find out who some of them are, we go to Jordan Klepper in our new segment, News to Meet You.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
I'm Michael Kosta. We've got so much to talk about tonight. America is on the operating table. Penguins are marching to a recession. The stock market parties like it's 1929. But the thing everyone's talking about now is Trump's big, beautiful tariffs. So let's get into the latest.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I saw two seconds of that trailer and Zendaya, Zendaya, whatever her name is, had the wrong grip on the serve. And I said, get this shitty movie out of my face right now. If you're going to try to serve with a semi-western grip and then not even change over to an eastern or semi-western for the forehand, get this crap out of my face right now.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
By the way, RIP Gene Hackman, one of the greatest college, excuse me, one of the greatest basketball roles. that I can remember.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Yeah, that's that's a great question. And, you know, one of the things that fascinates me.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Or morning Zoom. Doing this show is great, but I never know what's coming through my headphone.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
It's amazing how many people stop me and say, you're where I get my news. And I go, you know, we're on Comedy Central, right? You know that we don't uphold or have to be upheld to any journalistic integrity. I think, yeah, you know, what's that great movie where the news anchor loses his mind? Network. You know, I think that's a great synopsis.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
um i wish our news channels were publicly funded they weren't for profit i think every time i see a lower third on cnn or fox i go they're just doing that so we keep watching it doesn't really seem like they're trying to inform us there is a trustworthiness with comedy there's a trustworthiness with comedians there's this thought that comedians tell the truth
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
um i always think it's hilarious when comedians get held to a higher standard than a politician or an elected official but i do think people enjoy that they're coming to see us and we'll make them laugh oh and also i learned that donald trump just signed an executive order that you can't swirl vanilla and chocolate ice cream today or whatever it is um So good question. It's a good question.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Might not be a simple answer. I'm just trying really hard to not be a slapdick on your guys' show today.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Oh, that's a great question.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Yeah. It is a really tricky time. I can easily get my mind into everyone relax. You're overreacting. There's a checks and balances of this system. American democracy has been in motion for 270 years. This isn't the first egomaniac we've had as president. And I can easily get my mind into this is the beginning of authoritarian rule. Comedians can and will be locked up.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Free speech is pretended to be put on a pedestal, but anytime you criticize this guy, you're done. The number one media, social media platform is in the pocket of the, you know, so I can go both ways. I don't know the answer. All I know is comedy is a good way to fight and resist until they shoot us.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I also love that I came in right after the Dookie Bomb t-shirt for sale. That made me laugh. You know, that stumped me. That question stumps me. So good first question. I actually think being a comedian is lonelier.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Was that the final answer? My answer is Barentini. Yeah, Barentini. And also in that Netflix documentary, he wins in five sets and he's in the cold tub and he calls his grandparents and they're watching live in Italy at like 3 a.m. And it is just, it is a tear. He's not just a handsome face. He's also a good guy. I want that to be my dismo.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Because, and I actually talk about this, I have this crazy night in Edmonton when I'm a brand new comic where these girls call my hotel room right after I perform and they say, hey, can we come upstairs to your room? And tomfoolery ensues. And the next day, I'm all alone. And I have this great story that I want to tell everybody, but you're at a Best Western in Edmonton alone.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Whereas even when I played tennis, and sometimes you were sharing a hotel room with competitors, you at least could pull a guy aside and say, check this out.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I think tennis is impossible, is nearly impossible. It's a nonstop calendar year. The physicality of it. I think comedy is tough, but you can make $14,000 a year playing bowling alleys the rest of your life pretty easily, I think. If you're willing to do the armpit joke and the, can I get a volunteer from the crowd and do the, you know, whatever this, that.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
This is true. Of course, only I would pick to do an act out on a radio show. But you get the volunteer from the crowd to come out. They put the arms through your armpits. And then you say, oh, we're cooking. We're making an omelet. And it's their arms and your... Great gig. 14 grand a year, you say?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
One of my first gigs, I was doing a bowling alley in a basement in Michigan, and I was bombing so hard that my feet were sweating. Oh. And... I could hear the people above me bowling strikes. And it was this amazing dichotomy of success and failure so close to each other.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
i appreciate that question that's a that's an astute question because before we were pushed up to co-hosts or a host whatever you want to call it we were all in the same camp right we were all correspondents we were all hey great piece to you hey great piece to you that was good writing high five you know and then we could all kind of get together and about the actual host that was above us
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
You know, it stayed remarkably friendly. I don't think anybody would deny that being in the chair is a tremendous honor and is something we all want. I think what helped is with this rotating host, Jon Stewart has Mondays. The rest of us, myself, Desi Lydic, Ronnie Chang, Jordan Klepper, take Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday on a rotating.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I think what helped is we won the Emmy for best late night and it kind of put everyone's egos. It gave us what we all wanted and that helped with the competitiveness. So I thank the Emmy for that. Where is it, you ask? It's in my kitchen on display.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Yeah, 100%. You know, my dad used to say, at the bottom of the stairs, who can get up first? And there's four kids. I mean, well, that's an unnecessary challenge. You know, and I'm six and I'm getting elbowed by my sister because my dad just said, go, who gets up there fastest? Extremely competitive. Extremely competitive.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
When I entered comedy, I quickly realized I had to back out of this competitiveness. I couldn't watch a show that I was also on hoping my competitors would fail so I would look funnier. That's a miserable way to be. In sport, it's accepted, it's encouraged, it's a necessity. But in the arts... It's exhausting, dude.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
It's okay if Dan goes up and has a great set and then I go up and have a great set and we're different and we're both funny. So I've had to undo a lot of this competitiveness and it's exhausting being competitive, man. I just want to like high five and hang out with you guys and not go, who had the best segment on the Levitard show today? That sucks.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Yeah, you know, I always thought it was BS when Rafael Nadal would win, win, win, and then he would go, I just love this sport, I just love this sport. And it's like, are you serious? Because Andre Agassi says he hates the sport. Everyone I know has tennis trauma.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
i talk about a kid in this book who cheated me when i was 11. i i still wait for the c train hoping i run into that kid i mean i'm 45 i'm 45 years old i have i have children It really affects you. And I think the reason there's so much hatred to the sport is at a very young age, you're thrown in these highly competitive problem solving situations alone.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I also think that's why it's such a great sport for kids to play is they learn how to navigate the world and unfairness. I needed more love for the sport to be more successful.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
was losing a lot and was out of money uh that's a tough recipe for tennis success uh but now after a break from the sport i love it i love it i love it i love it i also play once a month i get one hour court time uh run around you know it's a nice reminder that i was actually good at something
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Yeah. I'm sensing that's a joke. Let's hope it is.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Although with the WTA, you could call some of them handsome. Let's take this opportunity for me to mention. Amen, brother. I miss what she said. What did she say? She has a character that's a sexist bane. Misogynistic bane. Jessica, it's nice to meet you. You're very funny. You make me laugh a lot. Let's take this opportunity to mention that Musetti has a rap album. No.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
You should be able to find it on Spotify.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Am I right? I'm looking it up right now.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Because there's two active ATP players that rap. The Canadian, Denis Shapovalov, and I believe it's Lorenzi Musetti. He might have a single. Is Magnifico?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I went and watched Bertini lose a couple years ago at the U.S. Open, and it was remarkable that 96% of the audience was women, young women, divorced women, newly married women. I mean, it was remarkable. So what are we asking? Is Michael deciding who's the most handsome? I just want your feedback as I decide that it's obviously Tommy Paul.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I think Tommy Paul is an excellent, excellent, handsome man who wears a shorter short, and I do appreciate that. I think this whole baggy short thing, tennis, you got some of the best legs of all sports. What are you doing?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I might be thinking of Sonego. S-O-N-E-G-O.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Dan, I'm sorry. I said it with so much confidence.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
It is Sonego. It's Sonego. Nailed it. I have to admit that when I came before I came on the show, I didn't brush up on Lorenzi Musetti's bio.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I wrote it because it even surprises me that I'm here now as a comedian and I kind of had to recap what the hell was going on. i love tennis that was my dream uh and it didn't happen i made eleven thousand dollars over four years my career high ranking was 864 in the world which is still my email signature and
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
was got hired in the Daily Show, was starting to have some comedy success, was starting to sell tickets, was starting to tour. And I just, and I was also about to have a kid and I was like, I need to figure out how we got here. Cause it surprises me even when as a kid, all the posters on my wall were tennis players. I think it's a really fascinating story. And when I share it with people,
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
whether athletics or not, they pull from it and they connect. And I think it's a good lesson for all the young kids out there. Yes, have a dream, but you're probably gonna fail at it. So if you can try to learn something from that first dream, odds are it'll help you with your second profession or career.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I was out of money. Um, when I used to play professionally, you know, you win, win, win as a junior in college, we won four big 10 championships, university of Illinois. I won something like 80% of my matches in college. You get to the pros. I'm all I'm doing is losing. Every week I'm losing. The tournament starts on Monday, and my Monday at 2 p.m., I'm out of the tournament.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
You know, it's like, so what do you do with six and a half days when you're in Zihuantanejo, Mexico, playing a $10,000 future? And if that city sounds familiar, it's because that's where Andy Dufresne escaped prison to in the Shawshank Redemption. That was my first pro tournament. So I started to write ideas online. that were funny, interactions that were funny.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
I wanted my mind to get out of tennis just for an hour. And when I finally wrapped up and I was living with my parents in Michigan and I was hired as the assistant coach at University of Michigan, I had these binders of jokes. And I had a month before the team reported and before my life was going to be over as a college coach, as it is.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
And I signed up for an open mic and I took these folders of jokes. And my first joke, which I describe in grave detail in the book, was called crotch karate. And I went around the audience and I pretended to karate chop them with my crotch. And it's bad then and it's bad now.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
That's true. I don't know if anything said crotch-crotty in those binders. It wasn't until later that I started to really dig into the binders and go, maybe you should use this stuff and stop trying to assault your audience.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
Yeah, I just, you know, for one, it was a way to get my mind away from tennis. But yeah, I guess deep down there was always this passion for comedy. I mean, when I was 10 years old, that was Johnny Carson's last...
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
hosting night i begged my parents to stay up late i watched it um that's the the gary shanling show um these things made me feel something i never felt before but when you grow up in michigan show business is not an option you don't even it was all a fantasy and so i wrote some stuff down and then when i actually had an opportunity and thanks to stand-up comedy it's much like tennis in the sense that
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 1: Michael Kosta Is a Lucky Loser
You can sign up. You, Dan, can sign up for an open qualifying tennis professional event if you want to. You probably will lose early, but there is an open forum. There's an open forum to be a stand-up comedy. So I had the jokes. I guess I had a passion for comedy, and that's what started. And once I did it, then I was screwed. Then you're screwed because you've tasted the sweetness, baby.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That was my favorite part of living in Los Angeles. It's easy to make fun of L.A. for good reason, but for the most part, a lot of people were betting on themselves and a talent they had.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Not everyone's, but I do love that. I always appreciated that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Nerf. If that's the goal. Most of the time it's fame.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But I think a more interesting question is... How do we find the thing that we're meant to do? That Egyptian finance man found that brisket is his calling. That's fascinating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
In his 30s. With a career. Right. With a career. Making money, having health care, still decided to give it up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I remember I was coaching tennis at University of Michigan. I was making $31,000 a year. And I go, I think I can make this in comedy. If I'm going to get paid like shit, let me at least do what I want. So, of course, the first year I left, first year I did comedy, I made whatever, $6,000 or whatever. But I think often how much harder that would have been if I was making $100,000.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Because I was poor, let's be poor and pick the thing I want to be doing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah. I remember starting at 27 and wondering if it was too late.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Boston. Okay. That's right. You were in, I was going to say, because you were at least in a good comedy scene. You could see good comedy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
No it was to make money stay there Do coke and play golf? Yeah Those guys were partying. I remember the documentary about Boston Comedy where they said they would pay comics and coke.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
He was in hell. I feel like when I started comedy, drinking was still big. Now I meet all the young comics and everybody's sober or they're thinking more about all the different facets. But when I started, there wasn't YouTube yet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Comics talk shit in the green room a lot. Terrible. Yep. I went and did yuck yucks in Vancouver recently in the green room. There's a sign up that says we don't harass people in the green room. And I'm like, this is different. This is different, you know? Well, Canada's just on another level with their wokeness. Canada's on another level. Come back to us, Canada.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, I remember that, and I think I remember one of his books was called Naked Pictures of Famous People, which was great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I remember driving down the road in Vancouver and there's all these people just lining up. And I go, what's going on? And said, oh, well, they're lining up for the bus that's about to come. And I'm like, that's Canadian. They're so polite. They're waiting. They know where the bus will be and they're lining up. That is not how it works in Brooklyn.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Thanks for having me and really appreciate you showing me around. Wow, what a space you've created, man. Thank you. That's so cool. Keeps going. I was excited to show you the picture of my sauna. Yeah. And then you show me you got an archery. It's so cool, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Before they step on the bus. Do you think that comedy with the polish, the local, I mean, it feels like comedy's taking a different turn now. Now it's, if a bit is kind of working, we post it. It's up. It's not polished. And I miss some of that. I miss some of that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
He was opening for me in Dallas. Before any of that. And, you know, you always watch the opener. And normally I watch the opener like this, like, oh, this is just, is this what I have to go up after? Why didn't I bring my own guy? You know, whatever. And I'm sitting in the green room and I'm going, oh, that's a good bit. Oh, that's a fun. Oh, the crowd's going.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And I'm going, this, this guy's got it. Yeah. And then six months later I was like watching his special. Right. Or it wasn't maybe a year later, but yeah. I mean, that's, that, that's a great example. He's, he's, he's funny, dude.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I don't always agree with him, but I don't always agree with everybody. I don't even agree with me. Isn't that good? Isn't that the point of this? It's like you want a couple people to be mad sometimes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's what it is now. I'm so thankful that as soon as I could, I posted my first set on the internet. But that was seven years in. You couldn't even do it. Right. I would have done it too soon. I mean, it still was too soon.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
They look terrible. They make mistakes. It is very beautiful to watch. People get better at stuff. There's a female tennis player right now named Andreeva. I forget how to pronounce her first name. But I just watched her at Indian Wells. And I saw her four years ago at the French Open. Everyone was watching Andreeva. And I'm like, this is a child that doesn't know how to play the sport.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Why are we talking about her? I watched her last week, an absolute nightmare of a beast. You know, hitting the ball, the movement, her shape. And it was like, oh, every day she got better. And to see that was nuts. And I always go back and watch, oh, my God, Novak Djokovic's first Grand Slam when he's got, like, the worst haircut and the baggy shirt and the backhand was looking different.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Now it's just amazing to see how these athletes evolve. And I'm sure it's the same for fighters. You mentioned it was.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It's a language. And if you don't speak the... I mean, when... Right. I don't speak MMA language, but that's where good commentators come in. Oh, they're excited for a reason. Yeah. That was something that we don't see very often, and that helps me. I assume that's how it works for tennis people that aren't... Or for non-tennis people when they're watching tennis, because it's... Oh, I'm sure.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, I... I pause it. I make my wife come into the living room and I say, watch this. And she'll watch and she'll go, that was good. And I go, are you even seeing what he did? He did a short slice to pull him in. But it's a language that I speak. And this is life, man. Picking these little things we have that we get passionate about is just awesome.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
As I've gotten older, I used to shy away from tennis a little bit. It's an elite sport. It's got its own history. And now I'm just like, I fucking love it. I love that I'm good at it. I love that I know it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It sounds like it did. It sounds like it was a little too elite.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It was a little too country club. A little too segregated. It definitely is those things. No, I think what happens. It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be. And that's why Serena and Venus were such a fun fuck up to the sport.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Okay, yeah, so this is the cocaine cowboy type stuff, isn't it? Type stuff, but this was about Oliver North.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So incarceration educated him to the point where he got himself out. But is there origins or as a tennis player? As a tennis player. He's a tennis player, like a really good tennis player. You know, Menendez brothers, excellent tennis players. One of them played at UCLA.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Let's go. The kids that were beating me when I was a pro. played on a dirt court with a rope tied between two sticks. These South American and Russian players, it was not a money sport. It was not a sport of money. It was a sport of movement and competition. And because there's no clock. you can have as much time as you want to figure out and beat down your opponent.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So that gets a certain type of athlete. You know, I think it was Jimmy Connors who said, I didn't lose. I just, I just ran out of time in that match. I would have, I would have figured it out, but unfortunately he beat me. Um, Yeah, what happened with me, I was trying to be a stand-up comic so badly that I was trying to remove the athletic stigma.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Even now, you sometimes say tennis and people kind of back up. But as I got better at comedy and more confident in my abilities, I said, why am I shying away from the sport that I love and that is such a foundational part of me?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's probably a more succinct way to say it. And the new book that's out right now, Lucky Loser, is all about how... I'm now embracing this tennis because it gave me all the skills to actually be good in comedy. Of course. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
You're alone and you're going to have no teammates, success and failure. When I was, when I was eight years old, I lost in the finals of the Ann Arbor junior open and, And I realized I was going to lose. And I started crying on the court. And my older brother runs on the court and holds me like a child. I'm crying. There's a picture of that in the book.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And it's stupid. This reminds me of a time I left my joke book on a train in New York. And in the joke book I have, this book is important to me. Call me if you get this, you know. And this guy texts me and he says, I have this joke book. And, you know, talk about your ideas. The joke book is the most unfiltered, dumb idea ever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Now, as a parent, I'm going, who the fuck took that picture? Right. I'm just a kid crying. And my brother's holding me as my parents taking that picture. They did it for the gram. But man, as a comic, holy shit, we've all felt like that. Oh, man, it's so personal when you fail as a comic.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So how do you instill grit, toughness? In a generation, as a parent, I see my five-year-old struggling. I oftentimes pop in. Let me get that for you. Little things, trying to do the buttons on her shirt. And I do it for her, and I think, I shouldn't do it for her. She should be struggling to do this. But this is a big issue right now, right? The younger generation, you hear that word grit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
How do we instill that? Well, sports. is a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's the beauty of it. Yeah. And I said, man, I'm sure he's reading it. Why, you know, you're going to read it. You're going to read a stranger's joke book. And I connected with him. He was very kind. He gave it to me. But he kind of looked at me like, are you a comedian type thing? And I said, yeah, but... It's terrifying when that idea gets attached to you when it was just a fleeting idea.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I agree with you. Some things we will improve upon faster based on our natural abilities. I loved the way DJs used to seamlessly transfer one song to the other, beat matching, whatever that was called. I asked for two turntables for Christmas. I obsessed over it. I fucking sucked at it, dude. I couldn't do it. I tried so hard.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And then I'm thinking, I pick up this tennis racket and it all kind of clicks very quickly. Well, you have a good frame for tennis, first of all. Thank you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Dude, if Pete Sampras did this, the greatest server. Oh, yeah. I mean, don't they say that this is the same height?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But, I mean, Pete had, like, extra length. Yes. And people go, how did he get the pop on the serve? Torque.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Which is insane. And these are professional fighters he's knocking out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Forgive this extremely ignorant question. When you say knockout, that means the guy's done. That's not like the ref calls it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And these are guys that know how to take hits. Elite guys.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Wow, that didn't even seem like it was that hard of a hit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's crazy. It's hard for me to even wrap my head around.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Jeez. And the fucking slow motion. Bro, that is so crazy. The slow motion camera.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Boom! And the follow through with the shoulder. Oh my goodness.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
In these sports, like mixed martial arts too, these sports aren't for me because... One punch, it's done. Oh, yeah. Meaning... I like watching that. Meaning I wouldn't have been a good athlete in that sport. Why do you think that? Well, like, in tennis, what I love is if you're just bombing aces, after the first set, clean slate. We start all over again. And in boxing...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I liked how we watched a lot of that. And he hadn't even thrown a punch. He's a hitter. He's there to kill you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And you only get to gold... By going through garbage. Yeah. Sometimes I'll do a show and it's terrible. New joke show. But then the next day the thing happens. And I think, oh, that's because I was digging all day yesterday.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So his software during a fight is just constantly trying to find the open for one of these huge punches. That's the whole time he's doing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
When you get hit like that. There's got to be an enormous physical pain, duh. But then there also is like, don't you get scared then after a big hit like that? Well, you get super confused. You get confused.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And that's that 30 seconds when he's also trained to kill you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So it's safer, in your opinion, the way UFC does it, where if you start wobbling, I'm immediately on you trying to kill you, and then it's like... As opposed to boxing where they would get you up and you maybe... I don't think either one is safe.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I'll give you a copy of it. It's a small book, easy read. Jay Larson, comedian in LA, recommended that book to me 10 years ago and I never tackled it. It's really good.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And your coach to get up immediately, show that you're okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Look at this, on the chin. Oh, my God. And that's like legal and everything.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What's the essence? I will read it. Also, you know what keeps freaking me out? There's a shooting star above my head. Yeah, there is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So how do you avoid a flying knee? Just step out of the way?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But aren't you putting yourself in a vulnerable position to throw a flying knee?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What's the essence? The war of art. That makes it sound like it's a struggle to create art.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
He waits till you're fucked. Because you are jumping in the air, exposing yourself. So what I would do is I would move out of the way, Joe, and then I would pop him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's a ballsy move to start with that. He's a ballsy motherfucker. Yeah. That's a big swing right out of the gate.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I have so much respect for these athletes, and I'm also – I can't be far enough away from it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Well, that's what I'm... That's... This is what you would do. That's what I was thinking. This is what I would do. No, but I was thinking this is a vulnerable position. You don't want to be in the air.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And as soon as he gets hit, you just see his flying knee knee just drop.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
This is reminding me of the way Roger Federer would notice his opponent would quarter of an inch open up his grip on the run, and Roger would know forehand slice is coming, I'll sneak in and pop. And now it's a much different sport, obviously. Really? But it's reading. Just the grip? Yeah, dude, if you just typically he does it like this, and this time he's doing it tiny, boom, they go in.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What's so different about tennis, obviously, is then you just volley the ball for a winner. It's 15 love. You don't get head kicked. You don't get fucking knocked out. This is why this shit fascinates me, but I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah. I love sport because it teaches life lessons with very low stakes. But in these sports, there's high stakes. And that's very interesting for me because I would much rather my kid play soccer or tennis, learn some important lessons with low stakes. But this type of thing, that is serious stakes, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's what I think. I, as a 45-year-old grown man, I wish I would have learned how to fight.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And I think it's probably not too late. It's not too late.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And what I'll do tonight on my YouTube is I'll watch some Darce Chokes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And... In a competition, that happens until the ref calls it?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And then the ref will- The referee stops you. Hopefully. Hopefully.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So this is him. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, one of my favorite parts of tennis is how they'll battle for five and a half hours, and then they calmly walk. So here it is. Look. He's tapping. Watch. So he gets it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
violent, but also systematic in its understanding of the human body. Oh, yeah. We're going to know that the knee doesn't go this way. No, it's really, really technical. All sports are like this, actually.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And wouldn't you, if you know your opponent is a guy that likes to do the, wouldn't you then in your training work on defending that and also like making sure your knee can withstand more of that than normal?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
The tapping must be so humbling as a fighter because you've trained so hard. You want to win so badly, and yet you have to do this thing. You have to press the eject button.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
You're not thinking like, it's not like these baseball commentators were like, I got a story I'll tell later. No. No, because it is that. Yeah, great.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I love that, and I don't do that. Early in my comedy career, I would go to the coffee shop at this time and start typing. And I had all these, and I remember Tommy at the comedy store, he would say, every time I see you, you have new bits. And I would go, yeah, because I'm going, and now what's crazy, life has gotten crazier.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Because the stakes are so high, and it's wild, though, that people might know you if they're just being introduced to you as the commentator for that and maybe don't know the other stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But it's also like it's one of the things that I'm most impressed with by what you do is as someone that has this passion for tennis, I'm like – It's so cool how you dive into a completely different world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
You're not a comedian who then switched over to martial arts because it served you. It's your foundation of who you are, and you also happen to be a comedian and podcast host.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What's your favorite pool movie? The Hustler. The Hustler, okay.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
My brother once got a book for Christmas called How to Hustle Your Friends at Pool. It was in our basement. We had a pool table. But it was one of those things, same, that... I worked at it, I can never get it right, and eventually other things came more naturally to me, but it is fun.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I don't make time for myself to do that, but I need to honor the muse, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, so, you know, tennis has had this great historical run on elite racket sports, and then pickleball has been this... Counter response to tennis. Silly ball, loud noise, don't really have to move much. And pickleball has been taking off. I don't know if you've played or if you've seen it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That is exactly my point. I was in Scottsdale, Arizona recently. I did an hour of pickleball. The community there had music going, cracking beers. Costa, come over, play with us. Very... Very fun. Very fun. I then go over to the other side and play tennis, which is my sport. And no joke, this older couple says, you're talking too loudly on the courts, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It's this beautiful dichotomy of these two sports. I don't know if pickleball's a sport. But... Padel comes along and seems to be this middle ground. What I don't like about pickleball is you get to what they call the kitchen line, and you can't move anymore. You're frozen. So you just stand there frozen, and you knock the ball around. I like a sport. I want 360-degree movement.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I don't want the dimensions of the court to restrict my movement or the rules of the game. Padel seems to be both. It's tennis, but it's in this box, and they sometimes run outside of the box.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, it's fucking insane, and I've actually never played, but the points never end because you're on this... I just see people blowing their ACLs out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So it almost seems gimmicky to me. That's funny that Andrew plays, but... I would like to play this. And look, you know, also, one of the best things that happened for racket sports is HDTV, dude. When you were a kid watching Jimmy Connors, John Mack, you never even see the fucking ball. Right, right, right. It was the same color as the court. Right. And this shit now is unbelievable to watch.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
At first, people made fun of it. And I was like, I need... And in hockey with the... And substitutions on the fly. I never know who the fuck's on the ice. Yeah. I love that, though. I love that they do that. That's so cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What does the shoes have to do with it? What do you mean? You get grip. Oh, you mean like a cleated shoe?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Lacrosse always kind of had the douchey rich kid sport, but it is incredibly... They stopped doing this in the 90s.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Sorry, hockey people. I show it sometimes in the highlight.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I do love when you hear their microphones during a fight, and they fight, and then they go like, you ready to be done? Yeah, I'm ready to be done. I love that. I was at the comic strip in Edmonton years ago when Canada played US in the gold medal game. Someone sent me...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
the country's water usage during that game and at every period and the water usage would go up because everyone went would go to the bathroom right and it was like the whole fucking country went to the bathroom at the same time and Canada won and I think it was an overtime I was the only American there but man do they love a good winter sport up there we got to become friends with Canada again we have to like you know I'm down this is so ridiculous I can't believe that there's like
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I love on this pod where if I say something, I got to be ready for you guys to fact check my ass. Jamie's ready. Is there anti-Canadian sentiment?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
They can call an election. I think it happens within three weeks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, it's a good as someone who's from Ann Arbor, Michigan, you know, I don't really think they should be our 51st state I said it he's on record.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I just read this crazy book called Power Metals by Vince Beiser, possibly. We had him on the show, Daily Show. And it's all about, like, minerals and metals and what we need for our batteries and cobalt mining in Africa. And I went down all this YouTube shit with, like, the child labor and all. But... I was very ignorant to how much we need and use metals.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Nickel, copper, wild, batteries, EVs, everything. And so then when the news came out that Trump wanted Greenland, I was like, oh, this is starting to make more sense to me now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So we did this piece at The Daily Show once about the sugar cane agriculture in the central Florida. They over-fertilize it. It makes more sugar faster. All of the fertilization goes down to Lake Okeechobee, then goes out to the oceans where the algae blooms, the manatees die, da-da-da. And I'm just going...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I think most people would pay an extra 25 cents a year for this not to happen to spend more on sugar. Why are we doing this? I would pay more to have my iPhone be made in America by American hands.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, I was loading my kids in the car, put my phone on top of my car because I didn't have an extra hand, forget it's there, driving through Pennsylvania.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, and it's gone. I hear it's bop, bop, bop all over the highway. It's bouncing. I stop. I finally find my phone in the woods, and 911 is on the phone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
We recognize that there was a crash. Are you okay? Holy shit. And I'm like, how the fuck? What?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What about when you've already bought it? That always is weird. Yeah, it's weird. When it's like feeding me a thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, that could arguably be why maybe you have this supernatural memory and brain power because you, more than anybody probably in the world, maybe United States, are actually away from this for four hours just talking. That could be interesting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, you just referenced the guest you had in the previous book. Yeah. Are you retaining, are you doing a trick or anything to retain that?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
All right, I'm going to take this. Maybe we'll do like a before-after.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I've found – I just assumed it was like kids and age and getting older that I'll lose my train of thought more often than I ever have before.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And I hate it. It's not fun. Writing a joke, it's not fun. And everything I read says like keep exercising, get blood flow in your body, maybe sauna helps. Sleep's a big one. Sleep's a – isn't it crazy how much an athlete, the best athletes –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
treat sleep oh yeah I mean Pete Sampras used to travel with duct tape so when he'd get to the hotel he would tape the curtain to the window so no excess light would get in because he wanted like full darkness a float tank situation yeah and I'm like you know at that level when you're playing for one in the world like all that little stuff Yep. And that's wild. Meanwhile, you get in my house.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I lay down. We shut off the lights. Sonos has a light. The Wi-Fi thing has a light. The clock has. There's so much extra excess light all around.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It's not good. Maybe that's why I can't remember the joke I'm about to tell.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Creatine is actually... My buddy just started taking it. I don't know. I take it every day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I took it in college. The strength team coach made me take it, and it bothered my stomach.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Well, I love watching sports. You know, the end, you see these silly mistakes always. Why would they do that? Why did the ball go through his legs? Why did he choose to serve to that side? Why did he throw the fastball down the middle? Because they're fucking...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
dehydrated and tired and it's crazy how that affects brain function and that's why I love the couch fan oh my god why did he throw that it's like with a beer in your hand big belly you're literally drinking a beer this guy's a pussy this guy's a pussy if I was getting that money I'd fight Mike Tyson I'd come out swinging
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Oh, dude, I mean, my parenting... with a full night's sleep versus like had an early flight, had to fly. I mean, it's crazy. Yeah, everything is. I mean, I'm like, I'd like to think a kind, patient parent on a good night's sleep. But like when I get home after a road gig or whatever, even coming up this Sunday, I have an early flight. I'm going to get to Brooklyn. I know it's going to be 1 p.m.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
and the wife's going to hand me the kids and go, your turn. And I'm going to be like, dude, the patience is going to be tough.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I'm very excited about this weekend because my former assistant coach at Illinois, where I played tennis, is the head coach here at Texas.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
At UT. Nice. So he's won an NCAA championship. His name is Bruce Burke. He's an excellent coach. But he's like, dude. Come hit with us.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So I'm going to be training with the Texas team, and they're beasts. These guys are, you know, it's, so that's exciting for me. That's cool. That's super fun just to get to do that. And then perform at Mothership, dude. Never even stepped foot in this place. Oh, I'm excited for you to go. And it's selling out so fast. I mean, you've created it. Last time I was here, it was, like, still an idea.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah. Adam Egott was around, but now, I mean, it's just amazing, man. You've built something amazing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Was the Comedy Store a foundational thought with this? Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Mitzi's room is obviously a testament to her. And I never met Mitzi. I never fucking met her. That's crazy. That's her. That painting's her. Let me ask something that's crude. Was she hot? She was hot when she was young.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Because I go to the La Jolla Comedy Store and I see all the pictures of her and I'm like, I think Mitzi was hot. She was hot when she was young.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
You feel and notice all that stuff on stage. I was performing recently. Ceilings tall Crowd is full. Yeah, but where's the laughs going? Am I killing?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I feel like I'm doing well, but I'm not hearing it Yeah, now I'm in my head a little bit right that's changed my order now I'm now I'm doing the bit that I know is gonna kill instead of just letting things really and it's like all of that matters Yeah, all of that matters high ceilings is a big thing.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I'd be locked in I want everybody to be locked in The Comedy Store, the way you just described that, really became my clubhouse. Yeah. And I was a little bit – I got past there when you were gone for a little while. And I remember when you came back, it changed dramatically. But L.A. was really, really tough for me initially upon moving there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And then all of a sudden you get into a place like that. There's a place to drink. There's a place to talk shit. There's a place to, oh my God, even just parking, right? Park here and then just hang. It changed the game. It changed the game for me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Always a great hang. Oh, he's the best. I mean, at the Comedy Store, he didn't know me, and he would just hang.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, I've been texting Adam for a long time, and I was like, yes, something is happening, but we don't know when. But not to come back and excited to walk through it. Yeah, a lot of people dismissed it. It's not going to happen. But it was going to happen. When you're an outsider looking at your plate, there's a lot on it. Yeah, but this was important.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Everyone just always either goes to New York or LA and that's it forever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
The decisions alone? It's a lot of decisions. A lot of decisions. Doorknobs, carpets, lights, ceiling, drywall.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And comics, to their credit, I think naturally are nonconformist, and I love that they'll jump at a new opportunity. Yeah. They're not like all tied... So... You know, yeah, Joe's opening a club. We'll go. Boom. Done. And people moved here. It's like nuts to hear. I can't believe how often. I was texting with Adam. He said, who do you want to be opening for you this weekend?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I said, send me some names. Send me all the names. I'm like, this feels like all comedy store names. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
There's nothing more beautiful than a person talking into a microphone causing a reaction to a group. Yeah. It's beautiful. It's nuts. It shows how powerful words and energy and communication can be. It's like you let that person make you that mad. Yeah. And this person didn't touch you or hit you? Yeah. That's wild. Right. That is wild to think that we have that ability.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Especially with Holtzman, because he lets you in on it every now and then, what he's doing, and then he comes back to it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
well it's fucking great I'm looking forward to performing there so that's sweet you're gonna have a good time did you bring people to open with you or you got local people I think we got local I'm not 100% sure but I didn't bring people with me but we have a lot of good local people well that's the thing it's like you could bring somebody or you're in a community where there's great comedy so I'd much rather do that
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I feel like Lenny Bruce... Not enough comics understand the road he paved for everybody else. It's known that he did that, but... He's the OG. He was the OG. He's the OG. That's what I'm trying to say.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But we still had the First Amendment at that time. So that's what's so interesting to me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
The interpretation of or the enforcement of has, that's wild.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's a trap for me. Frequently, I'll start typing. I was working on a bit recently that all of these amazing men, these explorers, these achievers, the idea was because I found out that Sir Edmund Hillary, the Mount Everest's first man to climb Everest, he had like nine kids or something. And the idea, the joke was, I don't even think he likes climbing mountains.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, but Joe, see there, although a jury acquitted him, I'm just wondering, like, was he actually breaking a law or are they just hassling him by arresting him? Because he can't. Dude, they've arrested him for saying schmuck. Go back to that real quick.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
There's a lot of Lenny Bruce love out there, which is so cool.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
In the morning meeting, he'll come in and we're all sitting there, the writers, and he just kind of shuts the door behind him and we start talking. But it's like a conversation with a college professor, but he's in charge. And it's beautiful. All sides. This. I disagree with that. What about this? And it's like, oh, wow, it's really fun to be a part of.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I fell into that trap. You know, I was like, I'm not really digging it. I'm not enjoying it. But it's like you have to really think about where we were then.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, made it funnier. But also what fascinates me so much about that with Lenny Bruce is it's the same First Amendment that we have right today.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I don't even think he enjoys outdoors. It's that he's trying to get away from his family. So then I looked up Roger Bannister, the guy who broke the four minute mile. He had like seven kids. I'm like, I don't even think he likes running. He's just trying to run away from his family. But I remember writing that bit. It's a funny bit. There might have been an Elon thing there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And those words have not changed, but society has or its interpretation has or its enforcement has. That's wild.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Miller Test is actually quite relevant right now. It's coming up a lot. Oh, is it? Miller Test, yes. For what? First Amendment stuff. I just heard something about it. That's interesting.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I did a piece for The Daily Show after Biden won and this woman in New Jersey had up. 10, 15 flags. Fuck Biden. Fuck Joe Biden. Fuck Joe Biden flags. Was on a path to a school. And a lot of parents said, take down the flag. She said, it's my First Amendment right. Got all messy. The city made her take it down. She refused.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
NAACP popped in to defend her, saying it was her right as a Biden as a political figure. But then it became an obscenity. It was a very interesting piece. And I spoke to her and she was very outspoken. And my whole take was like, hey, just maybe let's say legally you can put those flags up, but it's just kind of shitty. Right. And she was like, fuck you. I'm put my flags up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But interesting when obscenity mixes in with school, kid. What is that now?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Public figure. If it says fuck Tony, fuck Michael, that's different than fuck Joe Biden, the sitting president of the United States. Right. All fascinating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
He has a lot of kids going to Mars, whatever. There's other stuff. But I would keep getting sidetracked by these Googles, right? I'd start typing a bit. Now I'm on Sermon Hillary's Wikipedia page. Now I'm clicking, and I'm gone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Well, I was just going to say, I don't like when a kid is wearing a Dolphins hat or a Yankees hat because I'm like... We, as adults, have put that on the kid.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It's just like you're like, no fucking, this is the doctor.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Who was the Supreme Court justice with the flags? Got in the whole fucking neighborhood fight with the flags. Had the white flag with the... green pine tree on it and that was... What is that flag? It was Christian nationalism or had ties to it, whatever. But I'm saying... A white flag with a green pine tree is Christian nationalism? Wasn't it? I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It was... I thought it was maybe Roberts, but his wife, and then he's, and then, there it is.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So that flag was flying, and you can see there the Boston Globe. That's his New Jersey, the one right underneath that, Jamie. That's his New Jersey house, beach house, and that got put up. But this was all because neighbors started fighting about their signs. What is that, an appeal to heaven? What does that mean? I don't know. What's that flag supposed to represent, Jamie? Huh.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But interesting that our Supreme Court justice got involved in one of these sign fights. And then they called him out on it and he said, it's my wife. It's just fucking hilarious, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So the discipline is to keep it, stay on the bit, Costa.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What? A call to heaven? I don't know. We'll find out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's why- I don't know why Alito put it up, but I remember it being something to do with the homeowners associations all were mad at each other and they put the flag up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It just makes me laugh that, look, this is the petty shit that normal Americans get in. Supreme Court justice, just get out of it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And it's very important that we feel like we have beliefs and it's when we start sharing them that... Well, you find out other people don't agree. You find out other people might not agree with you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And when we do it right, I love it. And, you know, it is every day. So sometimes you do it right and you're thankful. You pat yourself on the back. But guess what? There's a show tomorrow.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And I think we benefit. Man, so many – I'll take – when I host, so many questions, I'll take questions from the audience. And so many people go like –
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
michael how do you hold yourself to journalistic integrity when you and i go what i'm a fucking comedian this is on comedy central i'm not a journalist the fact that you just because you see us as informative which i'm thankful for and the fact that you come to us for information which i'm thankful for but i'm it's a little terrifying though don't ever forget lady i'm not a journalist Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I'm not in the war zone. I'm a clown. Yes. My job is to put all this shit into a comedy machine and crank out some type of sausage and feed it to you. But it's nuts that- Comedy Central, Daily Show is considered journalism. Yeah. Or people will stop me on the subway and go like, thank you for what you're doing. And I'm going, I'm trying to just make you laugh. Is that what you mean?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It's not what they mean though. They mean like- Fighting the good fight. Fighting the fight. Decompressing the- Fascists. Right. And also- Also, comedy, as we've talked about, is one of the only places that can challenge and speak to power, truthfully.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I would do motorcycle handlebars. I would find my motorcycle, and then there would be like 20 different handlebar builds and stuff. What kind of motorcycle did you drive? I have a Triumph Bonneville 2011. It's in storage in Pennsylvania now. I take it out in the summer a lot, but... In LA, that was what I used all the time.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's the magic trick of comedy. And The Daily Show does that great. But I remember one time sitting with my wife at the comedy store. Tiger Woods had just like, you know, all of that shit came out. The cheating, the voicemails. I mean, he was like, you know, maybe arguably one of the more promiscuous husbands of all time. And Burr goes up, and he starts defending Tiger, right? And I'm watching.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I'm feeling my wife's energy. I'm like, Bill, don't do this, dude. You're defending this guy who is in the heat of all the hatred. And as I watch the joke... I feel her relax. Now at the end, she's laughing. And I'm like, you just did the fucking magic trick, dude. You did the trick. He's one of the best at it. You took the level of difficulty at its highest. Yeah. All of us were against you.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
You did it. And that's the shit. That's as close to magic as there is now. Well, it's a beautiful thing if you could turn a controversial subject into something hilarious. Yeah. that at least puts people's guard down for a second. I think they'll see through it if they feel like it's just you're truly trying to trick them into a message. If your real goal is to entertain and laugh,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I was researching sauna stuff a lot because I was building this sauna last summer. And I read that in Finnish culture, a lot of the politicians won't even start negotiating or talking until they're like fucking scorched in the sauna. And I thought that was really interesting because comedy, I don't know how truthful it is, but I know there is a lot of pictures of... It's a good move.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Comedy kind of does that, too. It's like, if we're all laughing, we at least have that in common. If we're all sweating and having a hard time with this moment, I love that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It's a human moment. I mean, you're literally dying. You're dying in there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's a good move. It's something really nuts to me about the dry heat of a sauna that I don't understand completely, but it really fixes a lot of shit in me.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
There's no fucking way. There used to be a World Sauna Championships, and then a guy died. Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
20 minutes? Yeah, 20 minutes is good. And cool off and come back in?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Because you want your body to fight to warm it back up.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I was in my sauna all by myself and it's very quiet. I'm in the woods in Pennsylvania and this fucking buck just walks right in front. And it was just me and him. I don't know if you saw her or smelled or whatever, but it was like crazy. Oh, that's cool. Just to watch. You know what? That's like... Um, what's it called? I'm not a hunter. What's it called?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
My wife doesn't really, we have a family now. In PA, I ride it a lot. And there, it's deer, man. That's the scary thing there. They get very close. They're not afraid of cars. or motor vehicles at this point?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
When you just kind of go to watch and see where they're going to be. Is that called something?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It was like, yeah, just opening your eyes, but that's, it was wild to see that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, you're focusing on a thing that isn't this result that we need or want.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That'd be great. I've actually found... My wife and I, when we do a sauna, you know, there's always stuff you got to talk about with the family logistics. There's always things to argue about, but we'll go in there and we just both start sweating. And then it's kind of just like eases the tone, eases the conversation.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I'm always trying to find. Cold tubs are more frequent now. Really? They're more frequent now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Dude, I want to show you this picture. I know that, you know, this lake house I have. Nice. New Year's Eve. I don't want to kill our time with this, but when do you get to show Joe Rogan this pic? So let me find it. This is New Year's Eve, dude. Cut a hole in the lake with an ax. And I'm just in the lake. He just plunged in there. Try to do three minutes.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
There's a safety rope, which I don't know if that could even help me if I fucking pass out, but... That's nice. Uh... Doing a cold plunge in nature. Not just a tub, love the tub too, but man, I fucking love it. I feel amazing after that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So why is it that healthier than doing a drug that increases your dopamine?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
They're just like, yeah, it's my crayon. Come on, guys.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Let's get along. It's been a super benefit to me. The problem living in New York is I don't get to cold plunge as much as I want to, but
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
We're such comfort zones as humans now that we have to pay $800 to cool our water to get into it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I don't want to live in the fucking gladiator days. That's what the point was, was to make it easy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
To have food and sugar and fat readily available at all times.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Dude, I love going to the Natural History Museum in New York and going to the Armor Museum.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And I bet you his armor salesman was like, I'm going to upsell this guy. And he's like, no, I don't want the upsell. And he should have. Monsieur, I'm telling you, this armor, no cannonball. Went right through him. That is a great reminder of what society and life used to be like. God damn, man.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And that's a guy that could have had armor. That's probably a high-ranking person.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's a good way to put it, that those people would pick today for sure. Fuck, yeah. I remember I went to the Museum of Medical Oddities in Philadelphia, and they were doing a whole thing on dysentery. And it was like, oh, most people in the Civil War died of that. They didn't die of wounds. And it was like wild...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
that of course, if you were a soldier today, you don't die of dysentery, that's insane. But they would put the kitchen near the toilet and it was like.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What's the one I used? I did the Appalachian Trail last year, not all of it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Just a few days. And I forget the thing I would filter the water with. It was great. Man, there's such cool stuff like that now.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And there's all these cool Appalachian Trail communities that leave stuff for people along the trail.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So I remember I was just like dying. I'm like, no more snacks. Blood sugar's dropping. I have water, but it's just like I'm in it. I'm doing the difficult thing. And then you get to this cooler, and it's like from this Appalachian Trail club, and it's just like gummy bears in there. Oh, nice. Jesus Christ, man. Nice.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, there are some famous murders that have happened on the Appalachian Trail. But I felt very safe. Did you? Yeah. I mean, I was alone. I love the idea of finding a place to sleep that's in the middle of nowhere. I love that shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Here's what's crazy about the Appalachian Trail, at least where I was in Jersey. Most of the time I had cell service. Oh, wow. So I'm like in my tent answering texts. That is kind of crazy. But you know what started that for me was during COVID-19, My wife got me this week with Jordan Jonas in the survival. Jordan Jonas won alone.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I think he killed a wolverine with a hatchet. Yeah, with a hatchet. Stealing his meat. So my wife bought me a week with the survival camp with him and a bunch of other people. And it was just like one of the things, one of the conclusions I and we came to while we were up in the Bitterroot Mountains of Idaho was,
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
was at least once a year, we all need to be doing something where we are embedded with nature. And this might sound silly to somebody who goes hunting or somebody who's already doing this, but if you're living a city life, going to the park is not really experiencing nature.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Isn't it amazing what we can do in a positive light and also what we can do in a negative light?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Wasn't there for that one? It wasn't up. It wasn't up. In New York, it's a big concrete slab. I was in France last year. and they had these huge flower pots with beautiful flowers in it. And I said, you know, this is the New York version. It's a huge concrete slab that says NYPD on it. And this is the French version, which was this enormous, beautiful flower pot.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And it probably served an enormously benefit. It was probably very beneficial in the caveman days.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And that's got to be undone as long as it took to make that, which is a very long time. That's being undone. Yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
They really want us to do AI. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Everybody does.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I know. But even I write an email now and it's like, you want us to polish this thing? And it's like, I don't even want you anywhere near me. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But it's only as good as the food it's been fed, correct? Right. Right. Well, that's why Google had to abandon theirs. Oh, yeah. Was that the like, show me a Nazi or whatever? And it was like a beautiful black woman or something?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It was a Chinese lady Nazi. We covered that on the show. That was a trip.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
This is dumb. But they won't say bye-bye. They'll just come back with a newer version that doesn't do that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
My Wikipedia page has said that I'm Greek for as long as I'm alive. Greek women show up to my shows. These beautiful Greek women. They have dessert. Greek people. No one's ever fucking checked. I'm not Greek. But Costas is such a Greek name. It makes perfect sense. It fits with the ideology or the idea that, you know. And somebody wrote an article once that I was Greek.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I go, now that's serving a function and also beautiful.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
No, you know, it was like a blog that showed a picture of me and no one checked. And it's just, it's just kept spiraling. And it's like really funny for me after the show, these beautiful Greek people come up and they say, we're so happy. And I, and they say, where are your parents from? And all this shit. And I go, we're fucking Ukrainian. I don't want to tell you, you know, thanks.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Thanks for the dessert. Do they get a sourpuss? Huh? Do they get a sourpuss? Like, you're not Greek? Or they'll be like, no. What's funny is they'll go like, no, he is. You know, like, you are one of us. But the internet isn't always right, everybody. It's lots of times it's wrong.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Dude, it's always like the image of AI. It's always like a door is opening and it's bright light. I know. Come to Jesus.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
this was a wild shit yeah those deep fakes i mean the the there's like the funny one of trump rubbing elon's feet yeah but it's like those are like so obviously a joke but it's it's uh they're good they had the biden voice calling people and and well there's a lot of uh ai ladies now that are on instagram oh you look at the images you're like oh this isn't a real person right
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Right, get some money. Yeah, it's not as clear as like, oh, they have three breasts. This is fake.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Look at the eyes. It kind of reminds me of my kids watch these shows and the eyes are always so big because the kids pay attention to that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Which just sucks because then everybody's jerking off to that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
He's not going to think his wife is as beautiful because he's been jerking off.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yes, but you're right. That's better than exploitation.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, I'm fearful that I don't even know the language to help my kids figure this shit out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, I love to advocate for media literacy, push for that, teaching all of us. What a more reputable website is or a news source. But that just feels cute compared to what the language of an AI president who offers all solutions. I don't know how to combat that.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And then someone will yell out a dick joke, and then that joke will make it to the show, too. It's like smart things and dumb things. That's beautiful.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But you know what we're always going to need? Plumbing. Carpentry. That's why all this shit feels so intimidating. Because I can never wrap my head around that, but... Maybe we should be learning real skills and traits. Well, that would be nice for people. For people.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Our car got totally dismantled because a rat ate a wire. Oh, yeah, that happens. That fed to the computer. Yeah. Everything mechanical was great. But it's like, oh, this shit can't even come close to running without the screen and the software.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
You know, it's like... I remember I almost bought a 1968 Dodge Dart when I lived in L.A. I lifted up the hood as if I had any clue what I was looking at. But this is like an engine and a hose. Yep. It's so fucking perfect.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Carburetor. It's crazy. Yeah. And now literally the mechanic. He goes, let me show you the wire. And he shows me the wire. It's all bitten with these little tiny rat teeth because they make the wire out of soy. And then he takes me to the back to this enormous dumpster and it's just filled with these little electronic wires of everybody in New York that had rats eating their shit.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. They make them out of soy. I don't know why they would do that. Maybe because we subsidize soybean farmers? Probably. How weird that the rats know that it's food. Or that they figured it out that it's food. Or it isn't really food, but it smells like food and they bite into it and they realize this shit sucks. It's an electrical wire.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Terry Black's put you down, son. I mean, I was in Houston. Steve Byrne was at the other club. You want to get lunch? Yeah, of course. We go get brisket. I went back to it. I slept for like three and a half hours.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It's like when that rugby team crashed in the mountains and they were like, should we start eating each other? And their religion comes into play and they talk about it and they vote about it. But the rats are just like, fucking eat it.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Dude, the rats in New York City have just... Oh, yeah. COVID opened the door because everything was shut. All the trash was out. They were everywhere. They went everywhere. And then they're still running shit. And it's not enjoyable. Have you seen the documentary on Netflix? I don't know.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I mean, I remember before COVID, I would stand on the subway platform at my train stop and I would watch the rats on the tracks and then the train would come and they would scurry because they'd feel the train coming. Now... They just step off like an inch and the train goes right past them, but they're close.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Like they've just got like more confidence and more intelligence, more bold, more intelligence.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I don't know what, I don't know what, but it's, yeah, it's, and they're eating your car.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And they've probably exponentially expanded. So are they just so good at reproducing? They're just that good at it, huh?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I remember, I thought that's how coyotes hunted. Like, cause I've got, we used to golf in Griffith Park in LA and you would see one coyote. And I learned like the pack would send out one.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
It was a goofy-ass shit. It looks hilarious. It's a claw in her mouth.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Actually, roaches freak me out more, but... Rats I at least can sympathize with and understand that they're like living beings with families and shit. But roaches, though, I don't know, man. That's just the way they fucking are so quiet. You don't even know they're there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Did you ever see that movie Dark Days about the people that lived in the subway tunnels? Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's like Vegas, right? It was in New York, I believe.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Some of these motherfuckers were like running an extension cord like 500 feet.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
And these motherfuckers are like grinding. I mean, this is like. In the tunnels, man. This is deep in the tunnels. And, you know, anyone who's lived in New York City, you look down those tunnels and you go, what's down there, man?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's the only part of the trailer of this show. That's fascinating.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Dude, and it was just like a trough for sewage, and then people would die of the plague, and they would just throw them in the street. I know. I never... Do you live in the city now? I live in Brooklyn now. Yeah. So it's kind of like city. Well, no, it is the city, but it's not like Manhattan on top of each other.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I live in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, which is becoming hipster.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah. I mean, it's on its way. It's on its way. And it's not full hipster stuff.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I always, my definition of a hipster was always like dad's money dressed like they don't have money.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, so that's not Bed-Stuy yet. That's Williamsburg. That's kind of died off though. Hasn't that look kind of died off? Yeah. It has, right? It's died off. I would say what's more common is the gender androgyny dressing. Oh, yeah. That's a good move. You can get a lot of pussy that way. That's a big Brooklyn move. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. I mean, it's great for comedy. Oh, yeah.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Walking around Brooklyn, the shit you see. You know, last January, our front door was broken. It didn't lock all the way. It was broken for 18 hours, okay? No one knows it's broken. Just our building. It's only three apartments. Somebody checks the door. It's not locked. They go up to our hallway. They steal all my family's winter coats, including mine. This is the heart of January.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So we're as a family. We wake up. Let's go to the park. Let's do whatever. We open the door where we kept our coats in the hallway. Everything's gone. So it's like, holy shit, it's the middle of January. All our shit's gone. I call the detective. The cops come, whatever.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
He's like, these motherfuckers walk up and down the street every night checking for every door just to see if something is broken. Year and a half later, I've been looking for this one coat that I love, the Scotch and Soda multi-color pattern coat. I love it. I'm just looking online for my coat, right? Someone's got to sell my coat. So I find it on Poshmark. The coat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Why is the meat falling off the bone such an important?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
That's your coat. So I fucking bought my coat back from the person that stole it, most likely. Do you know who the lady is? I don't. I did a Google search and nothing really came up. And I was just like, how hard do I want to fight this? At least you got your coat back. I got my coat back.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, and it's winter, and I feel part of me is like, holy shit, someone had to steal our coats? Right. That sucks. Right. I've never even thought about not having a coat. Having to steal coats.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I have multiple coats. Right. So there's a part of me that was just like, come ask, I'll give you a fucking coat. And the part of you was like, oh, they're selling them online. Yeah, fuck you, that's my coat.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
yeah it's a weird thing about living in large communities of people like that there's just too many variables yeah a lot of variables that are not good and like one person affects so many sure the one guy on my street that doesn't do a good job with the trash it gets knocked over the wind blows it the rest of the street picks it up that's the shit that as you get older the city starts to fuck fuck you up yeah i don't want to pick his trash up anymore
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah. My time is all I have. I'll pick up my family's trash and my trash. I don't want to pick up that guy's trash. The one guy who doesn't clean his dog poo. Right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I hope those are biodegradable, the filters. No. Right? No.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I'm like, come on, man. Don't do that. I bet you it's 200 years for a filter to thrive. Yeah, I would say at least. If it's like styrofoam or some shit, it's like a thousand.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
18 months to 10 years. That's pretty big. Yeah. Depends which one they're using. That's AI.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Toiline? This is the issue with AI. I try not to even, but it's contradicting itself.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But I think AI will sell that professor AI detection software.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I guess the bigger question is, does writing the term paper serve a value at this point if AI can just do it?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
You know, I spent a lot of time learning cursive. What the fuck is that? It's useless.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Yeah, or if you want to be a skateboarder and you've got a half pipe outside, have AI do the term paper and go fucking crazy.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Well, this is also a bigger question about our education and public schools.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Every time I'm here, I learn. I remember the last time, dude, we were talking Italian billiards. I didn't even realize it was a different billiards. Oh, they have a bunch of different billiards. That's funny. I never had any idea about that brisket. You know it was all originally Germans?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Do you think humans will always elevate themselves and speak to a crowd for laughs? That might be the only thing we have left. Because they've always said it's prostitution and comedy. Where the court jester and the prostitute. I'm curious if we think in the future that'll remain as well. I hope so. I hope so.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
So if we become obsolete, then that means the machines will have to also figure out how to provide energy to itself. Yeah, that'll be easy. But that'll be easy. They'll learn to just plug this into this. They'll do it way better than us. Just mine the thing and then burn the thing and then, right.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
What's that movie where Sylvester Stallone lives in the basement of the Earth or whatever? Judge Dredd? Yeah, maybe it's Judge Dredd.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But I feel like it's all these people who refuse the advancement of technology, right?
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
The publisher's going to kill me. I said I was going to present it to you on the show.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
We should have sent you one. If you don't, I'll get you one. Yeah, so the book starts when my brother gave me a tennis racket for Christmas when I was four. Nice. And my dream was to be a professional tennis player. And we did it, but only to 864 in the world. That's my highest world ranking. You should have turned into a chick. You could have dominated. That's the point of the book.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
But it's... The story is how I went from pro tennis to comedy. And it's fascinating and silly and a lot of failure. Talking a lot about the struggles of being alone in both of those professions. Tennis, you're alone, problem solving. And comedy, you're alone and problem solving. And...
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
I got an email yesterday from my management that all shows are sold out.
The Joe Rogan Experience
#2290 - Michael Kosta
Thanks for having me, and congrats on the club and all that's happening. I appreciate that.