Sports War correspondents clash over WNBA and NBA player debuts and a Paris 2024 Olympics recap, sponsored by gambling and fueled by this year’s breaking sports news.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What happened in Kaitlyn Clark's pro debut?
Welcome to the WNBA, Caitlin Clark, the NCAA's all-time Division I scoring leader, made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the Fever's 92-71 loss to the Connecticut Sun. She also committed 10 turnovers.
Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game? I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlyn Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie.
Chapter 2: What are the WNBA's challenges and criticisms?
I'm going to hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Ronnie. Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
I have a stat right here for you, okay? Look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was 38. Man. You're the god of whatever that is.
Okay, in a way, here's your stat right here. Eat shit, okay? Moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally.
There's a huge effort to get the River Seine fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month said the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. coli to an unacceptable level, and Olympic organizers still hope that the River Seine can be used for the swimming events.
Ooh, the River Seine is filled with E. coli? That is gross. These athletes are gonna pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old-fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic Village. Only way to do it. The only way to do it.
Wrong as usual, Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E. coli, okay? Because if you're a world-class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.
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Chapter 3: How is the River Seine prepared for the Paris Olympics?
Oh, you love, you love, you love E. coli, Ronnie.
I love it.
You love it. The last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. coli on chicken kebabs like Salt Bae, you know? Yeah, I love that stuff. Your hospitality was for the birds, Ronnie, the birds. Two stars. I was puking all night. Yeah, well, I puke from just looking at your oblong face. Oblong face?
Is that right?
Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the Fourth of July at Ronnie's house... The Olympics are going to be rife with E. coli, which brings us to J. Klepp's bet of the week, where you can pick which country will get the most E. coli in the 2024 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Start spending. You've already won.
And don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code KLEPPERSUTS. No. I don't like that.
I told you I don't like that code. It's not you, okay? It's a different clever. It is? Okay, that's fine, then. That's okay. No, I'm just kidding. It's you because you suck. Okay, I suck. I suck. You blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports.
All right, speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make, talking.
Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker Harrison Butker during the commencement speech at Benedictine in Atchison.
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Chapter 4: What controversial comments did Harrison Butker make?
You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True. Which brings us to our bet everything wage of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always, brought to you by gambling.
Gambling, it will fix everything. Speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story.
Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shohei Ohtani's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost $17 million from the L.A. Dodgers superstar. The U.S. Attorney's Office say Ipe Mizuara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without Ohtani's knowledge.
This interpreter stole $17 million from Ohtani. That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed, okay? If you don't know the language, you should just have to guess.
Chapter 5: What gambling bets are discussed in this episode?
Hard disagree. Hard disagree, Ronnie. The problem isn't interpreters. It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.
Oh, wow, big surprise. Of course this is just English. That's the only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain over here.
No, English, English is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major league language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish?
Oh, what, Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass.
It is! It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book, alright? But do it on your own time, because we are on to the big bet of the night. Is this Otani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by gambling. Remember, gambling? Bet now, live forever. Well, we're out of time. Join us next time on Sports War.
We'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract E. coli? Good night, America. Gambling! What's up, morons? I'm Ronny Chieng. And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say Ronny Chieng doesn't suck... Well, then I have to disagree with you on that, Jordan.
Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover.
Yes. You left out that you're also rude to service workers. Let's start with the biggest story in sports, the show I've heard round the world.
This physical moment involving the WNBA's most high-profile rookie raising questions. Chicago's Kennedy Carter shoulder-checking the fever's Kaitlyn Clark, knocking her to the ground.
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Chapter 6: How does Bronny James compare to his father's legacy?
What's the source of Ronnie Chang's crippling inferiority complex? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You can only lose if you stop.
Okay, moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son.
Bronny James, the son of the NBA superstar LeBron James, will remain in the NBA draft. His agent confirmed his decision today. James will forego his college eligibility after playing one season with USC. LeBron and Bronny James could be the first father and son duo to play at the same time in the NBA.
He's projected to be a second round pick primarily because his father is LeBron James.
Yo, Bronny should not enter the NBA at all, okay? There's zero chance he can live up to the legacy of his father. Go do something else, like being a tall dentist or a tall architect or a medium-sized, world's tallest man. Quit while you're not ahead.
Oh, yeah, that's good advice, Bronny. You should take it. Of course, Bronny should join the NBA. The children of great people are always great themselves. Don Jr., RFK Jr., Carl's Jr. All great men! The only pressure here is on LeBron. If his sperm can't produce a 12-time NBA all-star who reinvigorates the Space Jam franchise, LeBron is overrated.
Overrated? That's just what your mom said to me last night.
So you made love to my mother poorly?
Like I said, Jordan, I'm a selfish lover. Which brings us to Ronnie's slam dunk bet of the night. Who will be a greater disappointment to their father, Ronnie James or Jordan Klepper? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It's like taking candy from a baby, but the candy is money.
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Chapter 7: What led to the retirement of Takeru Kobayashi?
Costa, you're the Tyrese Halliburton of this team, okay? Only 1% of our audience even knows who you are.
Well, you're like the Seine River, just filled with diarrhea, which brings us...
to arcosta's big balls better than night which river will ronnie chang mysteriously drown in as always brought to you by gambling remember you're not you when you're not gambling moving on to an unexpected olympic showdown it was the return of the world's fastest man against the world's fastest virus it was supposed to be a golden moment for u.s sprinter noah lyles this is where
But instead, the 27-year-old failed to take the lead in the 200-meter event, finishing with a bronze medal. He embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for breath. After the race, Lyles revealed he tested positive for COVID two days earlier, but decided to still compete.
What an incredible accomplishment for Noah Lyles and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained every day for four years and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs. Yo, why don't you just keep running off the track and right into traffic?
Right? Ronnie, like my negative COVID test this morning, you couldn't be more wrong. This was an absolute disaster for the whole world. He won an Olympic medal with COVID and ruined the last valid excuse we all had to miss work. Your shitty boss is going to be like, if no Lyles can run 200 meters with COVID, then you got to keep teaching these CPR classes.
Which brings us to Ronnie's Bigger Balls bet of the evening. Which disease will Michael Kosta get next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It will fix everything. Let's move on to the athlete from down under that everyone is talking about and sure to be this year's most popular Halloween costume.
Australian breaker Ray Gunn went viral for her memorable routine. Rachel Gunn, the b-girl from Australia, failed to score a single point during her Olympics competition going head-to-head with some of the world's best breakers during the sports Olympic debut.
Her signature moves include the sprinkler and the kangaroo hop. Reagan actually has a PhD in breakdance and was Australia's only woman to qualify for the Olympics.
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