The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Carter Funeral Guest List, Politicizing LA Fires, Sports War: Bonuses vs. Ratings
Fri, 10 Jan 2025
Desi Lydic tackles the historically awkward reunion between Trump and all his political enemies at Jimmy Carter's funeral. Conservatives blame DEI for the raging wildfires in LA, so Michael Kosta is stepping in to help with his straight white maleness. Sports War: Desi & Jordan Klepper Clash Over NFL Bonuses, NBA Ratings, & Bowl Game Mascots. Academy Award-nominated actor Marianne Jean-Baptiste sits down with Desi Lydic to discuss her critically acclaimed new film, “Hard Truths.” She discusses the real-life inspiration behind her character Pansy, the collaborative process with director Mike Leigh on set, and gets into character with reactions to today’s headlines.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What happens at Jimmy Carter's funeral?
Him! Funeral services fit for a president. Today's funeral service bringing together five living presidents. Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump to honor Carter, the longest-lived commander-in-chief.
Wow, that is incredibly rare to have five American presidents in the same room together. And even rarer to have Donald and Melania in the same room together. Kudos to President Carter. And it seemed pretty uncomfortable that they all had to sit next to Donald Trump. Just think about the history there. Trump tried to put her in prison. Accused him of murder.
Said he was the secret Muslim founder of ISIS. Said she was pretending to be black. And did his entire family dynasty. Almost got him murdered. tried to overthrow his presidency, and paid off a porn star behind her back. And by the way, basically all of them have said that he's Hitler.
So, yeah, it's a it's a seating chart so awkward that it probably had them asking, is there any extra room in that coffin? Although there was one surprising moment of chemistry.
During Carter's funeral, President-elect Trump chatted with former President Barack Obama. Of course, we don't know what they discussed, but the interaction seemed friendly with both presidents talking and occasionally smiling.
Someone's trying to make Elon jealous? It's a little weird for Obama, though, right? To go from this guy is future Hitler to, oh man, cool story, future Hitler. And by the way, Kamala noticed. Oh, oh. I don't know if that funeral music was for Carter or for her. Kamala did the look that I do when someone behind me at the movie theater is talking.
I didn't pay 20 bucks to hear you sing Defying Gravity. Also, this is Conclave. Why are you singing Defying Gravity? She did not seem happy to be sitting that close to Donald Trump. She basically spent the rest of the day flipping through that funeral program like she was going to find 44 electoral votes in it. But of course, the story dominating the news right now is the Los Angeles wildfires.
There's been so many challenges as L.A. workers try to control these fires, like water shortages and manpower shortages. But there's one thing that we have an endless supply of. Good old-fashioned, made-in-America blame. And of course, one of the country's leading blame producers is Donald Trump.
and trying to get Gavin Newsom to allow water to come. You'd have tremendous water up there. They sent it out to the Pacific because they're trying to protect a tiny little fish, which is in other areas, by the way, called a smelt. And for the sake of a smelt, they have no water.
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Chapter 2: Why are LA wildfires being politicized?
70% of her hires have been based on DI, not muscularity, not experience, not size, not competence.
This guy's talking about firefighters like the only thing they do is pose for sexy calendars. Not muscularity, not size, not girth, not cut or uncut. Sorry, where was I? For more on the Los Angeles fire, we go live to Michael Costa. Wait, Michael, what's going on? Why are you at the airport?
Well, obviously, I'm flying to L.A. to help out their gay fire department. You see, you heard those Fox News pundits. There's too much DEI, so they need a straight white man with big chest muscles and that V thing going down. My doctor said not to mix steroids and Ozempic, but the results speak for themselves, all right?
Do you even know how to fight fires?
Of course I do, Desi. I mean, I've blown out birthday candles. How much different can it be? And I'm not one of those pussies that needs two tries or for their mom to come over and help. What I do is I make my wish, usually to get that V thing going down, and then I own those birthday candles.
but that's not going to help you with this fire, Michael.
Okay, well, you know what will help, Desi? One of these floppy tubes that I see firemen always pointing at fires. It's called a hose, but beware, Desi, as a straight white male, I'm obliged to put bros before hoes. You get it.
I'm sorry. How exactly does you having a white male identity help you fight fires?
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Chapter 3: What role does DEI play in firefighting?
Well, I'm white, so the fire will respect me. I'm straight, which means I won't leave the fire halfway through to go see Wicked. And I'm male, which means I can always bust out Firehose 2.0. I'm talking about my peen, Desi.
Yeah, I got that. You know what? Go ahead. Fight the fire in L.A. Just get on your flight.
Oh, I miss my flight. But I told United to let me pilot my own plane out there, so that's what I'll be doing.
Do you know how to fly a plane?
Ha!
You did see Wicked.
Oh, Desi, grow up. Sexuality's a spectrum, okay?
Michael Kosta, everyone! When we come back, we find out who's right about sports, so don't go away. Welcome back to the Daily Show. It's a new year, and if one of your resolutions was to spend less time with the people you love and more time with those who will never love you back, you're in luck because there's so much going on in the world of sports.
So let's get into it in a new edition of Sports War.
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Chapter 4: How do NFL bonuses affect player performance?
So if I say baseball should get rid of the designated hitter... Then I say everybody should have to hit.
The umps, the hot dog vendors, the 90-year-old organists. Choke up, Seymour.
I wish I was designated to hit you with a sock full of quarters.
I'd like to see you try that again when I'm sober.
Speaking of being incentivized to hit people, it was the last week in the NFL's regular season, and that means it's time for some players to cash in.
Now with the final game of the season, you get those players going all out to earn big time bucks, hitting incentives, escalator clauses in their contracts. Von Miller needed just one sack to stack $1.5 million in bonus. He barely gets a couple of fingers on the quarterback, but it counts. Miller only played three snaps in this game, but that's all he needed.
The Tampa Bay Bucks could have just taken a knee with seconds to go, but their future Hall of Famer needed just five more yards to earn $3 million in a bonus.
And he got it. Whoa! $3 million bonus. These players are putting the damn in irreversible brain damage. And I got to tell you, Desi, I love it. You can't put a price on $3 million. I mean, if you did, it'd probably be $3 million.
Bad take, discount Joel McHale. Why do professional athletes need more money just for doing their jobs? Isn't the pussy enough? Sorry, Jordan, I should explain. Pussy is slang for vagina, which is a woman's genitals and what your face looks like without a beard.
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Chapter 5: What is causing the NBA's declining ratings?
And congratulations. You're getting all kinds of accolades for your performance in the movie as a whole. You play the character of Pansy.
I do.
Chapter 6: Are three-pointers hurting NBA viewership?
Who might be described as, as we saw in the clip, as a bit of a difficult woman. Just a Just a bit. She lashes out at pretty much everyone around her, including perfect strangers. I found her quite relatable, honestly.
The thing is, a lot of people do. I've been getting a lot of people saying, that's my mother-in-law. Lots of mother-in-laws, by the way. That's my mother-in-law. That's my auntie. That's my friend. A few people have professed to being her. Oh, really? Yeah. And I'm like, you're too self-aware. She's not self-aware. She thinks she's nice.
Of course she does. But that's a real testament to your performance in this because a character like that would possibly be hard to want to follow along and relate to and watch, but you make her so vulnerable and raw and captivating.
Right. Thank you.
Yeah, well, it's true. This has continued a decades-long relationship with Mike Lee, who's an incredible filmmaker. You were nominated for an Oscar for your performance in his other movie, Secrets in Love. And you got a little bit of buzz going on right now for this movie, too, I might say. He has a really interesting creative process.
You're not handed a script and asked if you want to be part of it. You're part of the collaboration process from the very beginning.
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Chapter 7: What does 'woke' mean for sports ratings?
Yeah, totally. He'll call you or email you and say, I'm doing a film. I don't know what it's about. I don't know what you'll be playing in it. But we're going to have fun. And you go, yes, of course. I love that. I love being terrified.
Is he just trying to trick you into writing it for him?
Yeah, no, it's a really sort of creative, collaborative, rewarding experience because, you know, he respects you as a creative artist, you know, and not just an interpreter of his vision. So you really do work on it with him.
I heard that he asked you to write down 100 people that you knew with all these different characteristics, and you made a list. Or did you do that on your own?
Oh, no. He always says, at the start of every project, he'll say, I want you to bring in a list of people you know from real life. And you go in. I mean, I had over 100 on my list, but he doesn't ask for 100. But he wants more than five or 10.
You are an overachiever. I'm even like, how's six?
You're like, I'll give you 100. I think it was about 140, actually.
Oh, my God.
And you sit there and you describe them all to him and talk about them. And it's like being in a therapy session, only you're analyzing someone else. And then, you know, that list gets smaller and smaller and smaller until you settle on about three, between three and five people. And then you do these exercises to merge them until you've got one person.
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