The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Surviving Thanksgiving and Black Friday
Wed, 27 Nov 2024
Whether you're worried about politics or Ozempic, this Thanksgiving, Leslie Jones and Michael Kosta have got you covered. Desi Lydic, Jessica Williams, and Lewis Black cover all things Black Friday. From its inception to how Black shoppers are affected by it, and it has expanded into almost an entire week.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What are some Thanksgiving conversation tips?
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and that means getting together with family members who you might not see eye to eye with. But this Thanksgiving, Leslie Jones will come to your house and politely interject when the conversation becomes political.
I'm just thankful that Roe v. Wade was finally overturned.
That's the conversation you want to start right now at this table while everybody's happy during Thanksgiving. Why are we trying to be happy? You know what? Have some dry ass turkey and shut the fuck up.
The way I see it is your generation are all a bunch of lazy socialists.
Who is you calling lazy? You can't even bring proper pie to Thanksgiving. And stop kissing the kids in the mouth. That's nasty. They don't like that.
Plus, Leslie can help prevent annoying conversations before they even begin.
Try that mega shit. Try it. And I'll tell everybody in this room that you use Nana's Wi-Fi to jack off.
And if that doesn't work, Leslie goes back to basics. I'll just say, these transgender people... Ah! Ah!
Ah! I just... Ah! Can I have some of this stuff?
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Chapter 2: How does Ozempic influence Thanksgiving dinner?
Shut up! All this land is Cherokee. If we talking about, can you spell indigenous? You can't even spell it, can you? Shut up! Don't agree with me. Shut up. Who invited me to this?
Available for all holidays where family are included.
Michael, how will Ozempic affect Thanksgiving this year?
Well, it definitely comes with its own problems. If everyone in the family is eating less, that means most of the food is going to waste, unless you take it to the homeless shelter. But come on, that's like a 20-minute drive. Okay, but I mean, I guess the family could just make less food. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go that far, okay? There's actually a much better solution. Glutenol.
It's a new drug that dramatically increases your appetite during the 24 hours of Thanksgiving. You inject Ozempic into your thigh, you inject Glutinol into your neck, and boom, you're deep-throating Aunt Karen's fingerlings all night long.
Yeah, okay, but isn't that gonna up your metabolism? Oh yeah, big time.
If only there was a drug that could fix that. Well, guess what? It's called Compoxo. You pop a couple of these pills up your butt and your metabolism is evened out for the day.
Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Costa, you're putting these drugs up your butt at Thanksgiving table? Won't that weird out your family? Oh, it will. Which is why you'll have to drug your family.
Introducing Happy Narol. It sends everyone's oxytocin levels through the roof. Just slip a tablespoon of this in the gravy boat and let the hugging begin.
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Chapter 3: What are the impacts of Black Friday on shoppers?
Friday is just around the corner and it seems like everyone on television has tips for shoppers.
Deals are in the back. Prioritize by price. Don't buy toys. Don't turn right. And most importantly, don't be black. Two black shoppers in just one week are accusing the department store of wrongful detainment.
He was racially profiled in Macy's, Herald Square. She used her tax rebate money to buy this bag at Barney's and was then stopped by the cops.
It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you're being accused of stealing.
Chapter 4: How does racial profiling affect Black shoppers?
When I left the store three blocks away from the store, four undercover cops told me that they would like to see what I've purchased.
And what did your white friend say?
My white friend.
Everybody knows you're supposed to bring your white friend with you when you go shopping at a place like that.
I should have next time I know to bring my white friend.
Oh, so the problem isn't racial profiling in stores. It's that black people have forgotten how to shop.
When they finally came up to me, I thought they were going to help me and they didn't. They actually asked me to leave.
Just because you look like a Gap model doesn't mean you won't get profiled.
I went into a store and asked a sales girl if I could see some jeans, and she said, they're so expensive. I felt like I was pretty womaned.
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Chapter 5: What humorous solutions are suggested for family gatherings?
Hey everybody, my name is Jessica Williams and I intend to buy a pack of gum. Reaching into my pocket right now to pull out money, not a gun. Permission to approach. But upscale stores are the trickiest. To be sure that you don't get arrested, try making friends with security. I baked some cookies, can I go shop now? Oh no. Or if that doesn't work, ask a white person to shop for you.
Do you think that you can buy me that watch on the display? You can totally use my credit card, all you have to do is sign my name and then just bring me that. I'm sorry, I really don't feel comfortable doing that. Excuse me, excuse me, you look white, can I ask you a favor? What? Do you think that if I give you $140, you can buy me those sunglasses in the window right there?
Yeah, sure.
Thank you. Hey! Finally, for a more tangible shopping experience, hire a middle-aged white lady as your personal shopper and equip her with a hidden camera inside a neck brace. Now she's ready to go. All right, we're in. Go left. No, your other left. Okay, hat. Let's try on some hats. Oh my God, would you look at this? Put that shit back on. I'm not feeling it. Where are you, handbags?
Let's move on, Peggy. Oh, look. You found my cat. Oh Jess, this is just perfect. That's not really my style because my style is not ugly. Good call, boots. I am digging those knee highs. These would look good in da club. Did you just say da club? Maybe a little makeup. My friend has more of a darker complexion. Darker complexion. Like a deep tan. I'm black, Peggy. You can say black.
So that was a bust. But thankfully, when all else fails, there is one other way to avoid getting racially profiled. Cover your skin.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
next week is my favorite day of the year black friday trample a guy on a tuesday afternoon you get charged with assault but do it at a walmart on black friday you get a ps4 but this year something about black friday is twisting everyone's panties
Black Friday itself is turning into an entire season. Do I hope Black Friday ends? Absolutely, I can't stand that day.
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