The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Proposes Gaza Takeover, Ko$ta Doin' Business | Julia Stiles
Thu, 06 Feb 2025
Desi Lydic tackles Trump's proposal to take over Gaza and push all the Palestinians out to build a resort. Plus, Republicans try to spin the president's plan, and Jordan Klepper gets in on the brainstorming sesh. Stick your cash in avocados and steer clear of eggs, Michael Kosta is back with guaranteed money-making tips in a new Ko$ta Doin' Business. Emmy and Golden Globe-nominated actor Julia Stiles sits down to talk about her feature directorial debut, "Wish You Were Here." They discuss being in the “driver’s seat” as a director after years of acting, working with longtime friend Vanessa Carlton, balancing the humorous love story with universal issues, and how becoming a parent prepared her for managing film crews and actors on set.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What new proposal did Trump make regarding Gaza?
We've got so much to talk about tonight. The Holy Land might be turning into Sin City. Donald Trump is back in the eviction business. And Michael Kosta really needs to use the Starbucks bathroom. But first, let's kick things off with another installment of the second coming of Donald J. Trump. Every day since Trump came into office, he bombards us with ridiculous policies.
We go crazy trying to keep up with them, and before we can catch our breath, he hits us with something else even more absurd. It is exhausting and unsustainable. So, starting today, no more of that, okay? No more. No more. I have a whole script here full of important issues that I want to talk about. And I'm not going to let Donald Trump distract me with some crazy new idea.
This morning, a stunning proposal from an American president. Donald Trump with the Israeli prime minister by his side, declaring that the U.S. will take over the Gaza Strip.
The U.S. will take over the Gaza Strip. We'll own it.
Okay, let me just ask, what? And also, what?
President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The United States, he said, should take over the war-torn Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort.
We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal. And I don't want to be cute, I don't want to be a wise guy, but the Riviera of the Middle East...
What the ? Trump is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera? He couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic City. If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos, he turned Atlantic City into Gaza. But OK, he wants to rebuild it and he wants to turn it into Mar-a-Lago. At least the Palestinians will have a place to go back to.
Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly two million Palestinians.
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Chapter 2: How are Republicans reacting to Trump's Gaza proposal?
We're trying to get the details of it. It was a surprising development. Senator Josh Hawley says, quote, I don't know that I think it's the best use of U.S. resources to spend a bunch of money in Gaza.
We also heard from Senator Lindsey Graham. I think most South Carolinians would probably not be excited about sending Americans to take over Gaza. I think that might be problematic.
Tom Tillis likely with the quote of the night, which was, there are probably a couple kinks in that slinky.
There's a couple kinks in that slinky. That's how desperate these guys are to not openly disagree with Trump. They're just making up sayings now. Of course, some of his supporters, like Steve Doocy, are trying to give Trump the benefit of the doubt.
It was a jaw-dropper last night. The cover of the New York Post is, we'll take over Gaza. I think this is just the tipping, you know, this is the conversation starter. Because obviously, the president knows when he says, we'll take Gaza. He knows the United States can't invade another country.
Of course, America would never invade another country. You can read all about it in Steve Doocy's American history book, Me Just Got Lobotomy by Steve Doocy. So to summarize, MAGA people think this is dicey. Their eyeballs think it's batshit crazy. And the entire plan is DOA, unless Trump can do some real outreach to the countries in the Middle East.
And based on his response to reporters from Afghanistan, I don't think he has the skills to do it.
I have a little hard time understanding you. Where are you from?
No. Actually, it's a beautiful voice and a beautiful accent. The only problem is I can't understand a word you're saying. But I just say this. Good luck. Live in peace.
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Chapter 3: What are the humorous alternatives for the Gaza situation?
Okay, but then they go back to live in Gaza?
No, then they get right back on the boat, you know? Another trip around the world, hair braids for all.
What was so wrong with the two-state solution idea?
Come on, Desi! If that idea existed the whole time, then what's happening right now would make us the bad guys. So let's just keep spitballing, okay? Here's one. We take every Israeli and Palestinian and surgically swap their faces. Now they don't know who's who, you know? Are you my wife or my neighbor? I can't tell.
Guess we'll have to live in peace. Are you pitching face-off for the Middle East?
Okay. Do you have a better idea from a Nick Cage movie that doesn't make us complicit in war crimes?
Well, I guess we could get the Palestinians to fall in love with Cher. No, no, you're dragging me into this. No.
I don't know what else to do, Desi. Maybe AI is the solution.
How would AI be the solution?
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Chapter 4: What is Michael Kosta's new financial advice?
You got me. Egg prices are nuts. Seriously, what do I got to do? Take out a mortgage just to make an omelet? What do I got to do? Sell my car so I can buy a frittata? What do I got to do? Pretend to be the long-dead husband of the wealthy widow Belvedere finally back from the Korean War?
Then one night, in the middle of her sponge bath, I sneak off and write myself into her will, but as I'm forging her name, I realize behind all those wrinkles and skin tags lies the kindest, gentlest soul I've ever met. But when I rush into the bathroom to tell her I love her, she's dead. Someone left her in the tub alone, and she's dead. Just to afford a few huevos rancheros?
I mean, ay, caramba. It's out of control. But don't worry, eggheads. With high prices comes high-portunity. That's why I'm hella bullish on ladders, okay? They help you climb trees so you can steal eggs from a buzzard's nest, which means I'm also going all in on ointment and bandages because, as I always say, Mama Buzzard don't play like that.
Now, look, I know egg prices can really scramble your bank account. Your bottom line is getting poached. But, hey, you think these egg prices are painful. You should try paying to freeze your wife's eggs and then watching your new husband, Blake, fertilize them. Let's just say I wasn't too egg-cited to find out about that. I've been sleeping like shit.
Well, that's all for this edition of Costa Doing Business. I'm Michael Costa reminding you that money can't buy happiness. Have a great Valentine's Day, everybody.
Thank you, Michael. When we come back, Julia Stiles will be joining me on this show.
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