2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mon, 18 Nov 2024
SPONSORS: Get 20% off your first order of Liquid I.V. when you go to https://www.liquidiv.com and use code CAVE at checkout. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/BEARS and get 10% off your first month. Get The Chairman™ Pro Package today and experience a shave that is as smooth as you deserve. Get 20% off + free shipping with the code BEARS at https://manscaped.com. Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/BEARS! #trueclassicpod Once again , it's 2 Bears, 1 Cave this time Bert is gifted a very special birthday gift, guest bear Dr. Phil! The two have a lively discussion about birthday months, Zac Efron, gossip, keeping secrets, and fleshlights. Dr. Phil also talks about the importance of figuring out life, gives Bert some words of wisdom, and for some reason they talk about Judy Blume books. They also talk about parties, Bert's dumb hats, Rob Gronkowski, Dr. Phil's new Netflix special, Tobey Maguire, some word play, and Dr. Phil pulls out a guitar to sing a special song for Bert. Check it out! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 263 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who is Dr. Phil and why is he a special guest?
100%. Brand new Two Bears, One Cave, and I am lucky enough to be joined by a man that would be perfect in my life right now because I am going through a moment. My current partner, Tom Segura, is looking at ski chalets in Switzerland, purchasing.
That's what he's calling it. Yeah. I remember when I had my ski chalet phase. We know what it is, Tom. We know who you are.
Did you ever cheat on your wife?
multiple times okay yeah let's get into it let's say from the early 90s was a time when everybody was fucking around trying to figure out who they were and why they were right but i think you know when you start to shed some weight you start to talk about seeing your dick more yeah that happened for me about 2005 2006 so then you started going well other people need to see this i don't realize what i was packing between these thighs oh let me tell you i had to lose 50 pounds to see my dick
For sure. Let me finish my story. But what I was saying was that, you know, when you start jerking off, I don't want to get too filthy too quick, but there's porn cheating and there's real live in the flesh cheating. I've done the porn cheating. And I'm not done. And then there's blow-up doll cheating, too.
Yeah, oh, like a flashlight.
No, I mean like a blow-up doll, like I said. Fleshlight is more of a toy that I encourage to bring into the bedroom. The first time I ever cheated on my Fleshlight was with my wife. Really? Hold that thought. We'll be right back. No, we'll keep it right here. I think that porn is healthy, but it can get in the way of your day-to-day. And I don't mean to rhyme so early in the podcast.
No, I appreciate it. Well, I know you do. I know that there's something about stability and longevity that provides a stability and a connection to the understanding and the education of who you are and who you want to be. Tom is, I guarantee you, in the bathroom of a Delta flight on the way to where? Nova Scotia?
yeah I know Switzerland it doesn't matter but he's jerking off in the bathroom because he can't contain himself and you get to a certain point in life where you go I have to I need to and then you'll reflect and dissect later yeah I agree what was the question uh Cheating on your wife, yeah. But look, I think that there's, look, tomato, tomato, Ray Romano.
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Chapter 2: What are the secrets behind cheating and relationships?
Where were you at 45? Because you skipped over that birthday. I have no idea. You don't remember. Well, can I tell you something I said to my wife yesterday? No, I'm all right. But I do want to know, though. But thanks for sharing. I do want to know. I'm going to tell you anyway. Okay. It's your show. It's your house. Cheers, by the way. Hey, to 52. To 48. To 48. My mistake. Porosos.
It might not be nighttime, but it sure feels like it in my heart. Porosos.
Amen. I said to Leanne the other day, I had a bunch of birthdays I had to work on them. And I said, you know, what a gangster. I worked on my birthday. That's a big time move. And she goes, you know, everyone works on their birthday.
I didn't realize that.
I did weekends in like Omaha one year, Virginia Beach. And I thought, what a selfless man I am that I'm working on my birthday. And then she's like, yeah, kids go to school on their birthday.
1,000%.
Really?
Yeah, I think there's... Type in famous person who died on their birthday.
And then hashtag John Stamos nudes, and we'll see what comes up. Now, I think that there's something about going for it, but in the, you know, there's a time and a place for everything. But I think dying on your birthday is, I don't want to say gangster, but it definitely is a way. Look, Betty White passed away from what? Just being old and fucking cool?
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Chapter 3: How do birthdays affect our lives?
Chapter 4: What insights does Dr. Phil have on finding joy in life?
Yep. Oh, there you go. He can't turn it off, right? Oh, there we go. I'll give you five bucks if you take a swig of what you just threw up in that glass. God damn it. All right. Somebody get me Burt's Venmo.
All right. Help me figure out life. I'm 48 years old, also 52. You're crushing it. What... What should I focus on this year, Dr. Phil?
Well, I think every year you want to get better, right? And you started the year off, you started off strong, but you're closing it out stronger. And that's, I'm a big guy to button stuff, you know, not just your pants and your fleshlight, but everything that you... You do it with purpose. And you start off the year with a bang. You got the special going. You got the tour going again.
Correct me if I'm wrong. Girls went to school this year? Girls were both in college. This year? This year. So what a banner year for you. And now you're closing it out with some big stuff that I'm privy to just from being at your little birthday soiree, which, by the way, Best potato salad I've ever had was last night.
I took a doggy bag home of potato salad like a fucking orphan child looking for a stepdad on a Tuesday. A bag of potato salad. Can you imagine if a cop pulled me over? What are you doing with that bag of potato salad, Phil? I'm going to fuck it. What's your fucking problem? I'm going to eat it, you pervert.
So I'm leaving the party thinking about how good of a time I had, but you brought that good time on us. And I think that's what you've done this year. You've created opportunities for yourself and the people around you to just have a good time, but make sure that things stay afloat. And that's a big deal. So you want to double down on that next year or take it back a minute.
You know what I was doing is I was getting off Instagram, and I realized I like Instagram. I'm getting back on.
Yeah, I think, yeah.
I started putting videos up. I was like, no, no, that's not. I think nothing in moderation. Okay, just go hard in the paint. Yeah, nothing in moderation. You're going to die anyway one day. You might as well have fun as fucking shit while you're alive. I think I might be not a hedonist, not a narcissist, not a fascist.
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