2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Mon, 16 Dec 2024
Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/BEARS and get 10% off your first month. Head to http://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! Go to http://philo.tv and check it out for a free 7 day trial. Use code BEARSJOY24 with DoorDash for 50% off your first order. The Shaman himself, Matt McCusker joins Tom Segura for this week’s episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! They discuss the United Healthcare CEO shooter, Parking Wars, rude meter-maids, Asian excellence, skateboarding, gambling, the thrill of winning, Matt's career as a dealer, Tom's face, wiener fluffing, big dick energy, and so much more! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 267 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What happened with the United Healthcare CEO?
Yeah, big Patreon guys. So... You're business savvies? I think so. I think we're pretty savvy. I think you are too. That's what I always tell myself, man. Whenever I get too spun out about all the personality bullshit, I always just say, look, I'm a small business owner. What do you want from me? I'm just running a small business, dude.
I I've told so many people that I think all of us, if you do stand up, whether you see it this way or not, it doesn't matter. It's objectively true. You're an entrepreneur. Like your business is what you, your comedy and how you present it and everything, but you're a business owner.
Yeah. I feel like it takes the heat off. Otherwise, you become the commodity. That's where it gets personal. This sucks. You're like, well, it's me. I'm the product, and I don't really appreciate you saying that very much.
This reminds me of when I shaved my face a few weeks ago, and everyone was like, I hate your face. I go, this is my face, bro. It's my face. It's not a turkey sandwich. This is my face. And this guy came up to me at a bar.
and he goes it's good the beard's back and i go yeah and he goes yeah that was bad and i go it wasn't that bad and he goes he goes nah it was bad and i go what the man why are you doing this to me he's like it looks really i got i go my face my face looks so bad he was like yeah dude that sucked you look terrible i was like what the I had to shave for the show. You know about the show.
Holy shit.
Yeah. Oh, my god, dude.
Dude, you look like a totally different guy. I know. You know, did I? What the fuck? I didn't tell you that. You look like the guy who shot the United Healthcare CEO. Are you sure you didn't do it? That was last week. We could have got our guy. Dude. It is kind of similar. Did you inscribe... You know we inscribed the bullets. Yeah, deny. Yeah. And delay. Yeah, and depose or something.
Can I tell you that... What the fuck, dude? I think you killed that guy.
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Chapter 2: What are the challenges of being a small business owner?
I love that show so much, the reality show. It's so good. Fucking A, man.
Yeah, I talked to the one lady the one time. It can stay on a marathon, and I'll just keep it. It's good, man. I went down there once. I think they took a Ford Contour off me. You can go to your car to get your belongings out of your car. So I went to get my belongings, and you have to write on a piece of paper what they took from you and what's in your car that you're reclaiming.
And I wrote a giant dildo, and you have to hand it to the person at the counter, and they have to bring it to someone in the back and get it approved. It's really funny.
Did you have a giant dildo?
No, I didn't have a giant dildo. I actually had a blunt that fell out behind the seat. Did you ask for that? I wanted to go get that. And I had some other stuff, too, that I wanted, but I was after that blunt. But I did put giant dildo, and they were kind of laughing. Oh, that's good. It's good that they have a sense of humor. They did kind of laugh. It seems like they do on the show. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, they kind of get broken down. I've said the meanest shit to those people, and they would give it back to me. But there was this one lady the one time, she gave me a ticket, and I was like, come on, man, that is bullshit. And I was like, fuck you, I hope you die. And she was like, I hope your mother gets cancer. That's what she said to me back. The meter maid.
Yes, I was like, I hope you die. And she goes, I hope your mother gets cancer. And I was like, if you were my mom, I would. She said something like, would you say that to me if I was my mom? And I was like, if you were my mom, I'd fucking kill myself. And she was like, I hope your mother gets cancer. And we just had this exchange, and I was like, yeah, whatever. That's awesome.
We both got it out of our system. I was kind of, by the end of it, I was kind of laughing. She got so ruthless, and I was like, that's kind of funny. That's pretty funny.
This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country.
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Chapter 3: How does gambling affect emotions and behavior?
Chapter 4: What are the risks of drug dealing?
Chapter 5: Why is skateboarding becoming popular again?
he will he just takes he did actually i i shouldn't i shouldn't put smut on his name he still does eat like a giant bowl of ice cream every sunday okay not the best but he does he'll take like the medicine for it the pill and he has cut down a lot on a lot of stuff yeah because i know a couple guys that have been type 2 diabetic reversed it and reversed it yeah that's my plan i want to reverse changes i want to reverse my pre-diabetes
But they also, the two guys I'm thinking of, look nothing like they did because they made dramatic changes.
So I thought I was pretty healthy. You look healthy. That's what I thought, man. But I guess, I don't know, because I was like, I did eat a pancake the day of the blood test. They're like, dude, that has nothing to do with it. I was like, fuck. Oh, wait, on the day of the test? I didn't know you're supposed to fast. I forgot I had the test. But that gave you a crazy glucose spike for sure.
I thought so, but they were like, no, this A1C studies your hemoglobin. Apparently your blood cells last for three months in your body, and then they die and new ones come. So I guess they somehow can tell the age of each blood cell and see how much glucose is attached to each blood cell. The A1C is like a measure of how much glucose is covering all of your blood cells. Huh. They just get sugar.
They get, they get like, they turn into like Sour Patch Kids inside your body. Yeah. They get sugary. Yeah. And they just really like, yeah, your blood cells are covered in sugar. So that's my understanding of it. I don't know.
So you just got it, but you, are you already making the... Y'all, big one.
I went like, my wife's pissed. I'm like going like full psycho now. It's just like, I don't, I haven't eaten carbs in like a week.
cool barely any barely any that's good so now she'll make stuff everything she makes me i'm like what are you trying to fucking kill me do you can you still eat meat though do you like yeah i eat a ton of meat i just eat meat and veggies i think you're gonna be fine yeah skateboard meat and veggies yeah but the pump track that is my only zen like moment now where i just like when you're like do you wear protective gear at all none yeah no i can't i can't do it
I still have like that seventh grader mentality. Just because you're like, that's gay. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Helmets. Someone asked me, you wear a helmet, right? And I was like, I am sorry, I can't. I'd rather die. I'd rather hit my head and die than be seen wearing a helmet.
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