Bertcast
Something’s Burning: Trevor Wallace + Michael Blaustein + The Secret | S5 E10
Tue, 29 Apr 2025 19:00:00 -0000
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Stiff Socks hosts Trevor Wallace + Michael Blaustein stop by the kitchen for a good ol’ fashioned crawfish boil. We go in deep on porn, other comedians, and I spill a secret I haven’t told ANYONE. Follow Trevor Wallace: https://www.instagram.com/trevorwallace Follow Michael Blaustein: https://www.instagram.com/blaucomedy This episode is brought to you by Tastemade. Try Tastemade+ free for 7 days right now at https://tastemade.com/BURNING This episode is brought to you by Cornbread Hemp. Just visit https://cornbreadhemp.com/BURNING and use promo code BURNING at checkout. This episode is brought to you by Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/burning or download the Acorns app to get started. SUBSCRIBE so you never miss a video https://bit.ly/3DC1ICg Stream LUCKY on Netflix https://www.netflix.com/title/81713944 Register to join us in Tampa, FL (or virtually) for the 2 Bears, 5K on May 4, 2025! https://www.2bears5k.com PERMISSION TO PARTY WORLD TOUR is on sale now: http://www.bertbertbert.com/tour For all things BERTY BOY PRODUCTIONS: https://bertyboyproductions.com For MERCH: https://store.bertbertbert.com/ Follow Me! Facebook: http://www.Facebook.com/BertKreischer Instagram: http://www.Instagram.com/bertkreischer YouTube: http://www.YouTube.com/user/Akreischer TikTok: http://www.TikTok.com/@bertkreischer Threads: https://www.threads.net/@bertkreischer X: http://www.Twitter.com/bertkreischer Text Me: https://my.community.com/bertkreischer Recipe: Crawfish Boil * 8 LBS crawfish * 4 LBS shrimp * Halved frozen corn * Red potatoes * Zatarians Crawfish shrimp + Crab boil Complete seasoning * Zatarians Crawfish Shrimp + Crab Boil Seasoning * Zatarians Liquid shrimp + crab boil garlic + onion flavor * Distilled Vinegar * Powdered Chicken Bouillon * Kosher salt * Yellow onions * Garlic pods * Oranges * Jalapenos * Lemons * Andouille Sausage * Brown bags * Butter Steps: 1. Wash all crawfish until water is clear, getting rid of the dead ones 2. Add seasoning, lemon, orange, onion, garlic, and potatoes to 8 quarts of water in large pot 3. Bring water to a boil, then add crawfish, shrimp, and corn 4. Turn off heat and let sit for 20 minutes 5. Drain and serve 6. Melt butter and drizzle on top Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What shocking secret did Bert reveal during the crawfish boil?
So he was just having her suck his perineum, and then I was like, oh, hey, what's up, Rachel? Rachel, have you ever heard of that? No. Okay, cool. Thank you for the drinks. So anyways...
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
May 4th, we are bringing the whole crew back, including Jelly Roll. Me, Tom, Jelly Roll. Listen, if you don't think you can do it, Tommy, tell them they can do it. can do it. We can do it. We did it.
Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
And I can't wait for Baker Mayfield to verbally commit.
He's coming?
He's definitely coming.
Great ass on that guy.
My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. The Permission to Party World Tour kicks off September 18th in Rockford, Illinois, the 19th in Milwaukee, the 20th in St. Paul, Minnesota, the 21st in Duluth, Minnesota, followed by Eugene, Oregon, September 28th. Avoid scalpers and go to BurtBurtBurt.com to get your lowest ticket price. I'll take a water if you have one.
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Chapter 2: How do comedians feel about the current state of podcasting?
3.9.
3.9.
Get a ruler. Get a ruler. Get a ruler.
3.9.
Let's see what 3.9 looks like. We can do it in tablespoons, and it's about there. How do we do it in tablespoons? We can't look at the marks. Okay, you told me this isn't. Okay, that's like two. No, that's two. Hold on. How many tablespoons of cock do you have? If I had a small dick, I would do that. That's actually not that bad. Let me see.
It's actually not that bad. Here. This is the size of an average Cambodian dick. Okay.
Here we go. Okay.
Ouchie. Holy shit. That's a tie boy right there.
It's honestly not bad. It's not bad. That's a fucking hitchhiker's thumb. That's awful. It's not bad.
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Chapter 3: What is Bert's unique approach to cooking crawfish?
Chapter 4: What unusual porn topics were discussed?
I think that's the fun of it, right? Just the hotness of not knowing who is tugging on your pee-pee.
Well, that's really what they should do at a sperm bank. Like, it is a milking table, if you think about it. Like, they should have a sperm bank. Do you know how many guys would donate sperm if it was a milking table? Me. Me. Have you ever donated sperm? If you're like, hey, baby, I'm just doing my civic duty. Yeah.
Bro, the red light district is pumping out sperm and it's wasted. There's embryos out there that could be... You're onto something right now.
Yeah, yeah. This is what happens on... That's my district. So on the floors of the red-legged dishes, there used to be a bunch of petri dishes. And as you come, whatever petri dish you hit, like the Price is Right, like the Plinko thing, you fucking grab that and you bring it into the... Like the goldfish at the fair.
Correct. It would be so humiliating if you went and they were like, we don't need your sperm.
Yeah, that would hurt. Any redhead person, get out of here. What the fuck? Have you seen me as a child? They don't need... They don't need it anymore? I honestly don't think they accept it.
Because I don't think any... Google if they accept redhead sperm.
That would be so humiliating. They're going extinct.
If you rolled in as a redhead, they're like... No, I got one to call you as a redhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just throw it in the bathroom. Just put it in the toilet. We'll get it later. Put it in the toilet?
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Chapter 5: How do the hosts define their comedic styles?
That's not bad. No, wait. Yeah, it's eh, eh, eh, eh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eh, eh, eh, eh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eh, eh, eh, eh. Eh, eh, eh, eh. That's a good one. That's a good one. Okay, okay. Same time? Same time both? Mm-hmm. All right.
Do you do them alive usually? That's dead. Well, I've seen the videos and they just dunk them in there straight from Petco. I feel so bad. And these are alive. Those are alive? No. Yes. Oh, shit. So those were alive. Some are still, but they're dying. Can you hear them? All right. Can't you hear them? It's fucking sea world in this bitch.
Jesus Christ.
Sweet. Do another one. Do another one. Okay. All right. Okay. We'll make it fun for the audience. I'll give you a name, and you have to do it, and then they'll have to guess the name, and then we'll reveal the name. Dave Chappelle, go. Okay, Dave Chappelle. Wait. Trans. There we go. Is it Dave Chappelle? No. Okay, okay. Mitch Hadburn.
Oh, yeah, it's good. This is really good. Is it Mitch Hadburn?
Holy shit, dude. All right, give me one. All right, Jerry Seinfeld. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
It sounds a little curvy. I want to hear your tom. I want to hear a cigar. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't watch that stand-up. You don't watch that stand-up? What? I've never seen a stand-up. You've never seen him do a tight five in the OR?
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Chapter 6: What insights were shared about parenting and relationships?
No. Okay, okay. He goes, he goes.
That's good.
Eh, eh, eh, eh. The foot is great. The raw claw where we're cooking is so funny. You gotta punch it on that foot on the counter. Oh, man. Yeah. Is it Tom Segura? Is it Christina P? Um... Um... Um... Um... Um...
I think that was the best one. It was a good one. Yeah, it was a good one. Keep going. Give me one. Okay, Dane Cook.
I don't want to blow the ceiling off. Michael Wassant. Same thing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Uh, okay, hold on, hold on. Who's, like, an OG guy? Okay, hold on, let's go alt. Oh, okay. I was thinking, uh, fucking... Patton Oswalt. Patton Oswalt? Yep. Uh... Oh, hang on. Yeah. Yeah. What about dice? I'm just thinking hickory dickory dock.
No, no, no, no, no. You're not giving it up. What is it? Standing ovation. I'll give you a good one. This is super easy and I want to see you do it at the same time. Shane Gillis. And I love Shane. We all do. By the way, we're not doing these out of hate. We're doing it out of love. I just want the entire season. I want to see the easiest one to do is Mark Norman.
It kind of sounds like the aliens in The Claw. You know what I mean? Like some kid.
Oh yeah, we missed that. Yeah.
So here's my question. So, and I ask this seriously, because I've been imitated before. Yeah. You? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way, dude.
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