Mel Robbins
Appearances
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
The more that I let them and I just drop this obsession with controlling things around me or having an opinion about it, which is a way of controlling, the more control I feel. And so I put out a reel and just, it was like 60 seconds. I was like, if your friends are going out to lunch without you, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If you throw a birthday party and a bunch of people come and all the popular people leave early to go do their own thing, let them. Why? Because when you let them, you are allowing adults to be adults and you are allowing people to reveal who they are. And that's really important because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And when you can give up control and you can let adults be adults, Jamie, and there's a bunch of rules that I can now teach you about what we get wrong about relationships. But when you let adults be adults, because number one, you cannot make another adult do anything they don't want to do, period. and you think you can, and it's not true. Adults only do what they feel like doing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
The second thing, there is nothing you can do to make another adult change. Why? Rule number one, adults only do what adults feel like doing. This is why you cannot make somebody get sober. This is why you cannot want somebody's dreams for them more than they want it for themselves. This is why you can't get somebody to be nicer or get somebody to work harder. Why?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because adults only do what adults feel like doing. And you can't do anything to change someone. Here's another thing you can't make adults do. You cannot make another adult like you. You cannot make another adult love you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
and you are wasting too much time and energy presuming that people are gonna love you the same way that you love them or presuming that there is some different way that you can show up or do or text in a certain cadence and twist yourself in knots so that somebody else likes you, think about the time and energy that you're wasting there, especially when you really grasp the truth
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
that adults only do what adults feel like doing. And this is the real power of the let them theory. When you let somebody else live their life, you have to look in the mirror and you have to confront where you are in your life. And if your friends are not inviting you to lunch, it is not their responsibility to include you. Your life, your friendships, your happiness, your responsibility.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Are you crying?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
You're crying already. Yes. You're crying already. Because, um...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And if it bothers you that much, instead of sending that passive aggressive text, I saw you guys having lunch, would have been nice to have been included, or bitching about them to other people, How about you look in the mirror and you say to yourself, well, if I actually want friendships like that, maybe I should plan the lunch. Maybe these people aren't my friends after all.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And if I want friendships that feel good, it's my job to create it. And what part of myself do I have to confront in order to take responsibility for creating what I want? See, nobody else is responsible for the life that you want. You have to create it. And the more time you waste going, oh, but my friends, oh, but my boss, oh, but my this, the less likely you're going to do it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
That's a let them theory.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I mean, everybody listening knows somebody. that has been in that category of struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling, and you try everything you possibly can. And your life then becomes about rescuing that person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And I'm not here to say that you just throw your hands in the air. I'm here to say there's a huge difference. between offering support and taking responsibility for somebody else's healing. And at some point,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
the person who needs the healing, or the person who needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves, or the person who needs to confront their addiction and their patterns, they have to take responsibility for wanting to change. And you wanting it more for them won't make it happen. It's true, but I'm just here to tell you the reality. The reality is adults only do what adults feel like doing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And you can't make somebody else change. You can help somebody by letting them know how you feel and how their behavior hurts you. You can let somebody know the support that you're going to give. You can let people know your boundaries. I'm not saying it's easy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Or confronting. Or confronting. Because we'd rather make Mel Robbins a bitch than actually look in the mirror and say, where can I own my own role in this? And where can I find my power? It's easier to blame the messenger than to look in the mirror and say, what can I take responsibility for? Nowhere did I say you're at fault. Fault is a very different word than responsibility.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because when you get into the lane of, I'm at fault and this, now you're beating yourself up. Now you're insecure. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself. I want you to do something different. I want you to get very clear about what you're sick and tired of and what you can take responsibility for.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Excellent question. So if somebody is in a terrible relationship, what do we know? There's nothing you can say that will make them leave that person. if you confront it directly. And the more that you attack the relationship that they're in, the more defensive they're going to be in it and the more they're going to stay in it because they're going to feel like you're attacking them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And so when it comes to people in your life, and let's just talk about varying degrees, right? When there is somebody in your life that's dating somebody, this is not good for them. You're going to have to let them. You just have to.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And the only thing that I have ever found that works in my life, when I have had someone that I deeply care about in clearly the wrong relationship, and I'm talking someone who did this for years, is the more that they feel judged, the more distance it creates between the two of you, the more they hide the reality of what's going on and how they really feel.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And so you need to let an adult be an adult You need to let them know the truth of how you feel. And there's a particular way to do it, which is not, I think your partner sucks and he's abusing you. And which is going to be very confronting. It's let them know the truth, which is I'm worried about you because you don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? That's what you say.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And then what do you need to do? And this is the hardest part. You need to let them. I'm worried about you. You don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? And what ends up happening is that over time, since you're holding out the truth, that stays with somebody.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And when you get into the very scary situations, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor working a domestic hotline for four years. I am not immune to the realities of the psychological stranglehold that happens inside of a abuse cycle. and the very well-documented neurological programming that happens due to the honeymoon abuse cycle of horrible abuse, then tremendous apology, then quiet.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
The intermittent nature of that actually creates more of a trap inside somebody's brain. I get that. And there is nothing that another human being can do when you literally confront it directly to change that fact. What you can do is you can let them know, this is where I'm responsible. I'm not responsible for the relationships you're in.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I am responsible for telling you the truth and I am responsible for offering support to the extent I want to. And that is the truth. And we also know based on research, it's a minimum of seven attempts to leave a abusive relationship for somebody. That's why telling the truth, I'm worried about you. I am here for you. I'm here to support you. The second that you are ready to leave, I am here.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And I know there's nothing I can do to make you do it. But I want you to know I love you, you are so strong and I'm here. That is how you handle that. And then you have to let them. Because the more you judge that person as weak, the more you have an opinion about it, the more that you get all wrapped up around it, they can pick up on your energy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
They know that you're judging them and that you think that they're weak and you're pathetic and you're all this stuff because that's what your energy is portraying. That's why this matters. Do you intervene if somebody is spiraling? Of course you do. You offer the support. That might mean taking away the pills. That might mean driving somebody to rehab. That's the level of support.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
But that's based on your boundaries and your truth.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Can we start that one?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Why didn't he fold the laundry? Why didn't they load the dishwasher? Why didn't they, or in my husband's case, why did Mel, why does Mel always stack the cardboard boxes up like a Tetris sculpture instead of breaking them down? Like this drove him crazy because, you know, everybody gets boxes to their house from Amazon. And I hate that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
having to do that thing where you, you know, you flatten them, you know, for recycling. Okay. At least we have to in Vermont. And I always have this thing where I would like slight, I would like the boxes would come, I'd carry them to the garage and then I'd stack them up and I have these big plans that I'm going to come back later and I will do it when I feel like it. Right? Because why?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Adults only do what they feel like doing. So can Chris change my behavior? No. I will change my behavior when I want to change my behavior. Right. But here's what Chris can do. Using the let them theory, Chris understands he's got to let me be me. He can't make me change. What is Chris responsible for? His truth and his boundaries. So Chris comes to me and he says, Can I share something with you?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I'm like, sure. He said, you know, every time I walk into the garage and I see the tower of cardboard boxes waiting for some recycling ferry to come flying in here and flatten them all out, I feel like you think I am your servant. And it makes me feel really kind of hurt. that you think that that's all that I'm here for. Now, when Chris shares that, I immediately feel terrible.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
He's not shaming me. He's telling me the truth about how he feels. I don't want him to feel this way. So now what happens? Because I don't want him to feel this way, I now will flatten the cardboard boxes. Why? Because I want to. Does that make sense? And because we don't take the time to recognize that I am not responsible for somebody else's change in behavior.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I am responsible for communicating what I feel, what I value, how something impacts me, what I need, what my boundaries are. And then the hardest part is what happens next. Because once you have that communication that really hurt me, it would make me feel great if you were to do X. The next time this happens, could you do Y? The hardest part of a relationship is what happens next.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because now it's back to the other person and you're gonna let them. And here's what's gonna happen. They are revealing to you who they are. If I don't flatten those boxes, it reveals to Chris that I really don't care that he feels that way. And this brings me to another law about human behavior. People's behavior is the truest form of communication. I can come up with a million excuses, Jamie.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Oh, I'm so busy, I have ADHD, I'll get to it later, I didn't mean to. That's just noise. If you actually want to change or you actually care about what the other person just told you, prove it. And by not doing it, I am communicating loud and clear to Chris, I don't care. And the hardest thing for us, and this is where the let them theory starts to get really deep,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
is when you really unhook your emotions, Jamie, and you let adults be adults, and you take responsibility for your side of the relationship, which is your truth, your needs, your boundaries, your wants, all that kind of stuff. And then somebody reveals their true nature. Most of us don't want to face it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And so if we go back to somebody who is in a relationship that is very unhealthy, there was somebody who has a narcissistic personality style, there was somebody who's abusive. If you embrace the let them theory and you embrace this rule that you can't change this person and that their behavior is the truth about who they are, now it's on you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
to really try to separate how you feel and what the other person is saying from the reality of what this other human being is showing you through their behavior. And again, we don't want to look at that because then we have to look in the mirror and go, What do I need to take responsibility for?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If I take what Mel Robbins is saying and the let them theory as truth, and if I take as truth that adults only do what adults feel like doing, and if I take as truth, I can't make anybody change. I can't make anybody like me. I can't make anybody love me because adults only do what they feel like doing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And if this person's behavior is the truest communication of who they are and what they care about, Now it's on me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And I have to make a decision, an incredibly hard decision, a decision that goes against all of the neurological programming that has happened in this relationship, a decision that will have to make me confront the things about myself that I don't want to confront because I'm responsible for what happens next, regardless of all the stuff that went down.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And that's why I say you are always capable of changing for the better.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I am grateful for our friendship. I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them. If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Yes. So the let them theory is something that I just came up with in the last couple of months. And it is, I think the most powerful thing I've ever stumbled upon. And I've learned some pretty incredible things in my lifetime from other people, from the power of something like the five second rule and prioritizing action. But the let them theory is at a entirely different level.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And the let them theory on the surface is extremely simple. And here's how it works. Let them. If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them. You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. And I was so guilty of this.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. You will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people. I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults, I let other people live their lives, the more control I feel.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And it is so easy to read something on Instagram, I don't care what other people think, and then regurgitate it like it's some sort of philosophy that you have when really you actually do care a lot. LetThem is a tool that encapsulates the truth about relationships and the truth about control. you will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And this is a learned behavior. This is something you learned because your parents, like parents, your job is to keep your kids safe. Your job is to, you know, teach your kids how to make decisions. Your job is to set boundaries for your children so that they can grow up and become independent human beings. But your frame of reference when you are a kid is all about the adults around you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And because as a kid, you don't know why mommy's mad. So you think you're the reason why mommy's mad. So you then make it your job to make sure mommy's not mad. Or you sit there and say something must be wrong with me when mommy's mad. And so that's why you get so obsessed with trying to control the states of emotion and what other people are doing or not doing. Because you think
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
What everybody else is doing has something to do with you or means something about you. And it means nothing about you. And the reason why, and the story for how I discovered it, I would love to tell it because I think it'll kind of put you at the scene at just how dumb we are and how prevalent this is in your life. And so it is, I'm setting the scene for where I discovered this.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
So it was our son's junior prom in high school. And having already gone through four high school proms with our two daughters, I thought, this is gonna be cakewalk, man. There are no spray tans, there's no blowouts, there's no like 55 dresses. They're like, oh my God, this is gonna be amazing. It was the worst. He was way worse because he didn't communicate anything, Jamie.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
First of all, he's not going. Then he's going with a group of guys. Then we live in the middle of Vermont. Where the hell are we going to buy a tux? Then all of a sudden he decides he wants Stan Smith Adidas edition sneakers. I got to track him down. We got to have him overnighted. Now he's asking a date some chick he doesn't even know. So then there's that whole thing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
So we are leaving to go to that pre-prom party that people tend to have where you show up at somebody's house and everybody's taking photos. And we arrive and we walk in and I'm already on edge because our son has been like...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Imagine trying to wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground and get him into a tuxedo and then get him into the car when I realize in hindsight he's just nervous, but now I'm annoyed and I'm stressed out. And so we get to this thing. He makes a beeline for all of his friends, does not introduce us to his date. Everybody's really awkward in terms of the kids, but they all look fantastic.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
About 20 minutes in, we're settling down. I'm starting to feel a little less on edge and out of nowhere, I'm talking nowhere. This is like a freak mountain storm. It starts to rain sideways. There's not a single person that has an umbrella or a raincoat. Now it starts to hail. The umbrella on the deck goes tumbling off to the right and all the parents are now circling, right?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And murmuring and what's going to happen. And I walk over to Oakley and I tap him on the shoulder and I'm like, Oak, what are you guys doing for dinner? Because it's 4.30 in the afternoon. The prom starts at seven. Clearly they have a dinner plan, right? He kind of shrugs his shoulders like, I don't know. I'm like, you don't have a reservation for dinner? It's the prom, dude.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I don't know what we're doing. Do you want me to call the inn? Do you want me to do this? He's like, mom. And I start ramping up. In my mind, you know, like I'm going to fix the situation for him. So he's talking to his friends. I'm on my phone trying to find a reservation. There isn't a reservation anywhere in our small town because obviously other people had thought about this.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Doesn't seem like any of the other kids in this group have a reservation either. And all of a sudden they start walking toward the door. No coats, no raincoats. Like it is raining sideways, Jamie. She is going to ruin her dress, her hair, her makeup, his sneakers destroyed, the rented tux out. I'm just like, all the other parents, where are you guys going?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I think we're going to go to the cilantro bowl. And that's when all the parents are now like, we're going to repeat it. Everyone's controlling the situation. It's complete chaos. We've all been in this kind of moment. Our daughter, Kendall, who we've just been talking about, was home for the weekend. She gently reaches over and she grabs my arm and she shakes it and she says, mom, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I'm like, what? What do you mean let them? I'm like on the phone, on hold, trying to get, let them what? Let them go to the slaughter ball. But, but it's raining, but it's small, but it's like a small thing. They're not even, let them go to a small place they can't fit in. But he's going to ruin his shoes. Let him ruin his shoes. But her dress. Let her ruin her dress.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them. And it was something about that moment and her repeating those words and repeating those words and repeating those two words, let them, let them, let them, let them. And her hand on my bicep that made me just de-escalate internally.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And as I started to deescalate internally and kind of just let them and let them do and not need to control it, my thinking came back online and I thought, why do I care? Why am I not making a reservation for myself for dinner? Who cares? Why am I doing this to myself? And so I walk up to Oak and I tap him on the shoulder and he turns around and he's like, what? Like, here's 20 bucks.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Go have fun. And this huge smile like lit up his face and right out the door into the sideways rain they went, trashing his shoes and her dress. It was adorable. And over the course of the next couple weeks, I couldn't believe how often I had the experience for myself where I was getting hooked by what other people are doing. Why is a celebrity promoting this thing? Why is this happening?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Why can't we do it this way? Why is the government doing this? Why is the traffic doing this? Why are my friends having lunch and they didn't invite me? Why this? Why that? Like all of this time and energy getting cooked up about my opinions about what other people are doing or not doing. or my expectations about how things should be done. Oh, the school should be.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
You got a lot of let thems that you need to bring into the school. The teacher should be. And so what happened is I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults. I let other people live their lives.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And if you turn inward and you say to yourself, What are the things that I want to outgrow in myself? What are the things that I really want to learn or that I've been afraid to do? Or what is something that I could do today that I don't feel like doing? That singular commitment to yourself, to just push yourself to do something that feels hard,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
that has a material impact on who you are as a person. And what the science says is it has an impact on how long you live.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Yes. And a couple of things, because I can give you the research around how to accelerate the feeling that it's not that hard anymore. Because if you really think about what a habit is- Okay, tell me more. Yeah, because- Because I've got some habits to break. Well, you know, we're not robots. Yeah. And I think a lot about habits as just patterns that you repeat. That's what a habit is.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And right now you have a habit of, for example, when you pull your pants on, what leg do you put in your pants first? You have to stop and think about it, right? Mm-hmm. Why? Because you've actually automated that pattern.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Now, when you're teaching one of your kids how to do it right now, it's tedious because they're having to train their right or left foot, whatever the pattern ends up being, and the motor pattern of doing that until they learn it so that they don't have to think about it anymore. I don't have to think about operating my coffee machine. I know how to do it without thinking about it.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I don't have to think about brushing my teeth. I know how to do it without thinking about it. There's a lot of thinking involved with getting to the gym. Do you notice that? Because you have certain feelings about it. I don't ever roll up to my bathroom counter and go, I don't feel like brushing my teeth this morning. I just do it.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And so I want you to really simplify what it means to create a habit. It means that you have trained your mind, body, and spirit that this is a pattern that we do and that you don't throw an adult temper tantrum about doing it. That's it.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And so when we're talking about making it stick, what you're actually talking about is teaching your body that this is something that we do and we don't throw temper tantrums around it. We just do it. And even if I'm kind of tired this morning, I'm still going to brush my teeth. because it's a pattern that I do. So that's really what we're talking about, okay?
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And so there are a couple things that make it easier. First of all, let's go back to some of the rules that I've taught you. Human beings only do the things that they feel like doing. And if you are constantly resisting a new pattern of behavior, you have to look at why do you want this pattern of behavior? If you are trying to get to the gym because you think you should, you never will.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
There's a lot of research about goals and why you have a goal is one of the foundational indicators of whether or not you will actually achieve it. And too many of you are thinking that you should do certain things, but you don't have a clue why you want it. See, one of the reasons why I exercise every day, Jamie, is not so that I look good in a bathing suit.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
It is not so that I weigh a certain thing. The reason why I exercise every single day is because I want to live a very long and a very vibrant life. And I know that what I do right now at 55 will determine most likely whether or not at the age of 90, I can pick up my own carry-on suitcase and put it in the overhead bin on an airplane.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
It will determine whether or not I am the kind of grandparent that can boogie down at a wedding of one of my grandkids. It will determine how long I am able to climb up in the mountains where I live in Southern Vermont. And I care about that.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And I also care about showing up in the work that I do and showing up with the people that I have in my life and being as present and as focused and as curious and as smart as I possibly can be. And so I understand the direct impact that resistance training and taking a walk outside and taking care of my health will have on the kind of life I want.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And that's something that will lower the resistance that you feel because the reason is bigger than the bullshit in the moment.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
The second thing that you can do is ask yourself once you know why you want the habit, because again, if you don't really want to lose weight, like there's a lot of you out there that keep going, oh, I really love to have bikini abs and all this bullshit, you know, I'm not willing to do the work. So I really don't want it that bad, do I? So why keep torturing myself?
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I don't give a shit about flat abs. I don't give a shit that my butt looks like a pancake when I'm walking around. I don't care because that's not going to impact what I care about. If you really care about having a bubble butt, then get clear about it and prove it. And so step one, figure out why it matters to you. And it's got to be deeply personal, not a should, it's a want.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Second thing, ask yourself, how do I make this easier? How can I make this easier? Could you play music that you like? Like one thing that made exercise super easy for me, ready? On Sunday nights, Jamie, I go through, this is so dumb, but this is literally a game changer.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I take the time, it usually takes about a half an hour, believe it or not, to figure out what my workouts are going to be for the week. Because I started to realize, okay, I was getting my tights on and I was getting myself to our gym at the house. But when I got up there, I'd be like, okay, what am I going to do? Should I get on the treadmill today? Should I stream something?
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Should I jump on this? And it was in the like, what should I do? that I literally lost motivation. And I'd futz around up there, and then I'd be looking at social media because I'm trying to find something to stream, have not made it easier for me.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
So now that I'm like, on Monday, I'm doing this, on Tuesday, I'm doing that, on Wednesday, I'm doing this, on Thursday, I'm taking the dogs here, it's planned, and that works for me. So Post-it notes, how can you make it easier for you? Do not, in any behavior change, do not manage a shit in your head. You will lose. Write it down on a post-it note.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Stick it in front of your face, on your computer. Set an alarm in your phone. You are a busy human being with a lot going on. You cannot manage the stuff in your mind. You will forget.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And then number four, and this is huge. You have to celebrate the thing that you did that day. So I don't ever leave the gym without high-fiving the mirror because the fact that I actually got there is a big deal. I don't ever kind of finish my, I drink like eight cups of water a day and I do it in kind of one of those big kind of adult sippy cup water colors. When I finish, I'm like, good job.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
You need to high five your way forward because that little bit of praise seals the cycle. And we can dig deeper into the science, but really you got to count the wins. You have to, otherwise you are not going to continue to feel like you want to do it. You got to be your own cheering squad. Like we, we put too much praise or we put too much weight in other people celebrating what we're doing.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
They can't even celebrate themselves. So they're not going to celebrate you in most cases. And when you need celebration is not when you lose the weight. It's not when you land the job. It's when every single day you sit down for what I call the hot 15 and you spend 15 minutes doing the thing you don't want to do, sending the resume. You got one resume out today, celebrate that.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Celebrate it for real. Because I know how hard that was. And the celebration can just be like, good job. All right, let's go do something else.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I'm trying to like describe this look.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I'm just really proud of what I see in this moment is Not pride as a mom. I see so much recognition of how much our daughter, Kendall in particular, had to push through. to release that song and to go for this dream. And I, the single most important person in my life other than my relationship to myself is my relationship with my husband, Chris. And I, I just freaking love him so much.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And that sounds so, I don't know, like I don't even have the words to describe how grateful I am to have him in my life. And I think the reason why I say that is because he is willing to do the work to grow together. And It hasn't always been easy. It isn't in any relationship, especially those that go the distance.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And we have been working so hard in therapy to really, truly understand each other, to understand the things that we haven't talked about in terms of how our childhoods have affected us and how it affects the way that we show up in the marriage. And I'm experiencing
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I'm trying to figure out how to say this in a way that might... I'm at a really awesome moment with my family because I feel as though all five of us are in this moment where we are stepping into a new version of ourselves. Our son is about to go to college.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Our other daughter just traveled through Asia for five months solo as a backpacker, something she had been dreaming of doing for 10 years, saving the money. Things got derailed because of the pandemic and she quit her job and did it. And now I see her back living home and figuring out what's next, a blank slate. And I see her leaning in.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And one of the things that I am very, very, very proud of is that Chris and I took a stance as parents that our job was not to create many versions of ourselves. Our jobs as parents were to figure out how to best support Kendall, Sawyer, and Oakley in becoming who they're supposed to become. And
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Now that we're 24 years into that, and some of the ways that we would do that just in terms of strategies is whenever we go to the school kind of meetings, you know, the parent-teacher conferences, never talk grades. Never talk grades. The first question out of my mouth is describe how they are as a human being. And that sort of focus on how do you treat other people? How do you treat yourself?
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
What do you actually want in your life? What do you care about? What kind of person do you want to be? Those sorts of things are hard to teach. And I'm really proud of the fact that we have built a family where everybody is uniquely their own person. But I mean, it feels weird because I feel like I'm bragging. The level of emotional engagement is just insane with our family.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And I attribute a lot of it to Chris actually. So my husband, Chris, he had a very traditional career path, chasing wealth, chasing the next job, chasing the corporate ladder, wanting to kind of be as if not more successful than his dad was. And his life didn't turn out that way.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
the restaurant business did not work out he nearly bankrupted our family had a lot of shame about it and in that happening there was this miraculous gift that happened for our family and it was this our kids got to witness their parents struggling profoundly and our kids got to witness a mom and a dad completely reverse roles. And so they grew up with a dad that was home. And the truth is,
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Chris is a deeply spiritual and caring and grounded human being. He's a meditation instructor. He leads men's retreats called Soul Degree. He is a death doula and does counseling at End of Life. And he is about to finish his master's in transpersonal psychology.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
so that he can do integration work with people who are doing the really exciting new psychedelic healing modalities with therapeutic guidance. And so he's a very grounded, amazing, just centered human being.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And that is evident in all three of our children because he was the one who was home while I was off racing around like an anxiety-ridden lunatic trying to make as much money as possible so that I could get us out of debt. And so I feel very grateful for everything that has happened in our lives, good and bad.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
The thing that scares me the most is that our lives go by in just the blink of an eye. And we take for granted the time that we have. I don't know a single couple that's been married for a long time that hasn't had that horrific period in their marriage. And I think what you do in those moments is everything. It's been a really shitty three years.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Um, because I'm finally at a point, Jamie, where I feel like we're through the crisis of the last 20 years. And that the most important thing to me is not missing out on any more of it and being able to be home more. And I think the thing that scares me the most is that our lives go by in just the blink of an eye. And... we take for granted the time that we have.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And there's this really scary study called the American Time Study that shows that from the moment that your kids turn 18, there is a massive drop, like it falls off a cliff in terms of how often you see them. And then by the time they reach 21, it flatlines. and it stays the same for the rest of your life.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And from the age of 20 to 60, the people that you see most day to day are the people you work with, not your family, not your partner. And by the time you turn 40, the amount of time that you're gonna be spending alone with yourself increases every single year. And so I am acutely aware of the amount of time that is passing by. And I sometimes torture myself about it.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
But I really want to spend as much time with our adult kids as I possibly can. I love them and my husband more than anybody on the planet. And I'm working very hard to keep the phone off me and to be truly present when I am with them.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life. Jamie Kern Lima!
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I, I, I, I'm, it has, it's been a really shitty three years. Like, you know, we've gone through a lot of changes of family and Chris and I have been going through a ton of therapy to try to figure out this new phase of life together and to work through a bunch of stuff that went down as the
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
It's interesting because I don't know a single couple that's been married for a long time that hasn't had that horrific period in their marriage. And I think what you do in those moments is everything. Because if you're willing to turn toward this person and you're willing to stop complaining about where you're at and remind yourself of the actual heart of the person that you're with,
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And if they're willing to turn into your relationship in terms of the relationship that results from facing the worst parts of it. So like I think about a marriage as three people. It's you, it's your partner, and the marriage is the third person.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And if you look at the marriage with open eyes or the relationship that you're in with open eyes, and again, got to have a partner that's willing to do this, and you're willing to confront the worst about the third person in the room, which is the marriage. The marriage that results from taking responsibility for what doesn't work.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
based on where you are now as individuals and doing the work to confront the worst parts of your marriage and learn how to show up differently so that that third party, the marriage itself can grow, you will be just blown away by the level of intimacy and connection that you can create. It's easier to be pissed off at somebody. It's easier to think you know somebody.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
It's easier to blame it on them and to get stuck in these patterns. But boy, oh boy, I want you to consider you have no clue who you are and you have no clue who you're married to and you have no clue what's possible when you're willing to face what's not working.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I don't know. Because I think it is... I think it's arrogant to think you know somebody. I mean, what you need to know about other human beings is true about all human beings. That we all just want to be seen And we want to feel appreciated for the things that we're doing. And we want to feel loved for who we are, not judged for who we are. And presuming that I know him,
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
doesn't give him the space to really grow. Like I know he has a kind heart and I know that he is a thinker and I know that he does acts of service and I know that he is a very spiritual and kind man. But do I really know what he's thinking? No.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Reading it? Sure. Aww. Aww. I'm not going to get through this. Mel, despite your quick trip away, I wanted you to know that I really miss you. Not a sad or lonely missing, but a joyful, sweet absence. As you know, I have recently been making concentrated and kooky efforts to feel energy around me. In the house... in the town, or just walking through the woods.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I have been actively trying to sense and feel energetic vibes. Evidently, it's working because I find myself more present than ever feeling the void of your vibrant, happy, game-on energy. I missed it yesterday while passing by your empty office, last night around the dining room table, and even right now knowing you're not sleeping on the other side of my office wall.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
After almost 30 years, I can truly say with every ounce of my soul, I love you more than ever. And I thank the stars above for giving us the courageous hearts and minds we both needed to weather all the tornadoes and floods and wildfires that have ripped through our time together. Oddly, these beautiful and difficult experiences are what make me so incredibly proud of us.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I'm beginning to realize that even the simple act of channeling gratitude is a form of energy. I'm doing that right now for you, with you, around you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for being the remarkable source of power and light that you are and for loving me as you do. I can't wait to see you on Tuesday. Chris.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I feel... He talked about energy. And Chris is a very methodical and quiet and introverted person. And he has been trying to bring online more kind of like emoting and like the kind of, like he talked about it, this energetic vibe. And I raise that because what I'm present to is gonna sound really kooky and weird, but there is the physical life and relationship that you have.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
There's the intellectual life and relationship that you have. And then there's this entirely different dimension to life. this quantum nature of things. And I guess that's why it's hard for me to describe where I am with Chris and with my kids, because I feel that we are bound at this fifth dimension.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
this quantum realm where from a soul to soul level, I feel that invisible thread that is very real, that connects me to the people in my family and to Chris in particular. And so I'm very present to that right now. Like if you look on your find me and you've got your family, I feel like sitting in this chair, there is this entered energetic field that we are all connected to.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Mm-hmm.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And you can't do that if you're constantly wishing they would change. And you can't do that if you're constantly griping about who they are. And you can't do that until you give another human being the absolute freedom to be exactly who they are and exactly who they aren't.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Oh, man.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
They're really incredible.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Okay.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I just need to warn you, I'm terrible at spelling. That'll make it better.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
There's some new shoes coming to Vermont, people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And the one thing I want to say to you quickly, you don't have to do this. And I want to acknowledge the fact that even though you have created a life that anyone could ever dream of. Your heart is so huge and your call to serve is so big that you are not stopping. You are going to keep on going because of what you have to give to the world. And I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Yeah. Motivation is garbage. And the reason why is it's never there when you need it. Like, I think one of my biggest messages, don't expect it to be easy. Why are you expecting to feel like going to the gym? Like, just because you bought a cute outfit, you know, to go doesn't mean you're going to feel like going.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And the mistake that I see everyone making over and over and over again is putting all your time and energy into planning for things and getting ready to do things and thinking about things and then not understanding that the moment that it's time to do the thing, you're not gonna feel like doing the thing.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And so you're sitting around waiting for that moment to feel ready, to feel like it's perfect, to feel inspired. It's not coming. It's not coming. And just think about how liberating it is if you lived your life with the simple truth that I will never feel like doing the things I need to do, but I'm gonna do them anyway.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I am not going to be the kind of person that lets my insecurity or my mood in the moment or how I feel about something right now and all that stuff to override the actions that I need to take in order to become the kind of person that I'd like to become.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And this is one of the reasons why I am constantly showing the worst of what I'm dealing with and the worst of what it's like in day-to-day life in my own life to people. Because it may surprise you to hear, I am not motivated. I'm very clear about what I want. I'm very clear about the actions I need to take. And I'm very clear that nine times out of 10, I'm not gonna wanna do it.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Like, you know, we've gone through a lot of changes as a family and Chris and I have been going through a ton of therapy to try to figure out this new phase of life together and to work through a bunch of stuff that went down. And we have been working so hard in therapy to really, truly understand each other, to understand the things that we haven't talked about. And this is huge.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I don't spring out of bed like a chicken and then lace up my running shoes and then go for a run as if it's some sort of commercial. I drag myself out of bed when I don't feel like it. I go into that bathroom, brush my teeth. I grape and groan the whole way to the closet where I pick out my tights that are laid on the floor.
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Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I even lay my exercise clothes out because I know I don't want to put them on. Because I don't want to exercise. But you know what? The insecure past me is not going to win. Because I'm not sitting around waiting to feel like this is going to be a good idea. When I wake up in southern Vermont and it's 50 degrees and raining on a January morning, first of all, I'm angry it's not snowing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
But secondly, do I feel like going outside and taking the walk that I need to take? Of course not. But I do it anyway. And see, that's the difference. That's the difference between the old me and who I am today. Because the old me was full of excuses. Oh, it's raining. I'm not going. What are you going to melt? Give me a break.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Oh, you know, I'd rather, you know, I feel like having a glass of wine. No, I got stuff I need to do. I used to be completely at the whim of my emotions. And right now, as you're listening, that's your problem. You know what you need to do. You do not feel like doing it. And, you know, I get so frustrated because I think that that word motivation is just thrown around like candy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And it's just become like people just pay lip service to it. And if you just flush down the toilet the belief that someday you'll feel ready to do the thing, you'd probably do the thing right now.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
I give up the belief that it's going to be automatic. Like I think all this 21-day stuff is horseshit because if you – and that's not even the research. Like the research is the habit – quote, becomes something that's a pattern somewhere between like nine days and 237 days. Habit formation is highly variable. It depends on the actual habit and it depends on the person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And so I think it's easier for me, this is just me personally, I think it's easier to presume that this stuff is never going to become automatic. I think it's easier to presume that I will never like getting out of bed. I will never greet the alarm at 515 like some songbird that is summoning me to a beautiful day and that it's okay. And I instead, Jamie,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
set up tricks and traps to make it easier to not opt out. So I'll give you some examples. When I wake up in the morning, my phone is in the bathroom and the alarm is going off on my phone. Why? Because I don't feel like getting out of bed. But now I don't have a choice because I set a trap for the worst parts of me. The phone is in the bathroom. To get the alarm off, I have to get out of bed.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
There's an example of making change stick. I'm not relying on emotion and willpower. I've set a trap to make it happen. When I walk into my closet, my clothes are already laid out. Why? Because that's what's called an environmental trigger. First of all, I've just made it easier. I've taken one step out and now I've got a visual reminder. Oh yeah, here we go.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
The only way you make change stick is by, it may surprise you to hear, I am not motivated. Motivation is garbage. Jamie, I go through, this is so dumb, but this is literally a game changer. You started crying. Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
No matter what you feel like putting on, this is what you need to put on. When I get into the kitchen, right in front of the coffee maker, I used to be the kind of person that would roll out of bed and I would army crawl my way right to that coffee maker, tap suck that sucker, get the caffeine in. Now that I understand the research, I don't do that for an hour or two.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
So what's sitting right in front of the coffee maker, because that's where I will go, is my water bottle already filled up and all of the supplements I need to take. Why? Because it is a visual reminder and it is one step taken so that I can make it stick. And see, I believe that most change doesn't stick. And we are being sold a fairy tale to think that you can make it stick.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
The only way you make change stick is by doing it. And if you accept the premise that I am here to offer, that some old version of you is always going to be right there in the moment, and you are going to have to make that new change stick,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
then you're not going to fall into the trap of presuming that there's some short, there's some shortcuts, some this, some that, some other thing, because you can put up all the post-it notes in the world. You can put your phone in the bathroom and set the alarm so you have to turn it off.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
But if you're not willing to do the hard stuff, if you're not willing to push yourself, Jamie, through the excuses, a lot of you will just climb right back in bed with your phone and spend the next hour scrolling. A lot of you will push that coffee maker to the side or that water bottle to the side and make a cup of coffee.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
A lot of you will see the tights on the floor and notice that it's cold outside and be like, me, not today. I don't feel like it. Okay. Your life. You get to choose. Just don't bitch about it when you don't have what you want because you're not willing to do the work. I told you I was a lot meaner than you are. Jamie will tell you she believes in you and I'll be like, prove it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
You want to know what a habit's really easy to make stick, Jamie? When you like it. I could make it a habit real fast of eating ice cream every day after dinner because I like it. Yeah, because I like it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
Yeah, and that was a research study that was done where they were looking at habit formation. And the habit that they were trying to make automatic was the habit of taking a 10-minute walk after dinner. So on its face, not a difficult habit, right?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
But in terms of the research study, when it became automatic, and when you look at the research, what automatic means is that you don't feel resistance to doing it. Like I have zero resistance to making an ice cream sundae. Just freaking love that stuff, right? I have a lot of resistance to exercising on a day that I have to lift weights.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And so they're looking at how long in terms of trying to repeat something before you stop dreading it. And the other thing that's very interesting, I don't remember the name of the part of the brain, but there's a lot of really interesting research around willpower where they look at a part of your brain And I don't remember the name of it. It's both on the left and right-hand side of your brain.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
But it is the part of the brain that grows when you do something that you don't feel like doing. So I'm gonna say it again. It's the part of your brain that grows when you do things that you don't feel like doing. So that might mean that you're somebody that is a writer and every time you sit down and you make yourself right when you don't feel like it, that part of your brain actually grows.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
When you step in the cold plunge, when you don't feel like it, that part of your brain grows. But it only grows when you're doing things you don't want to do.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And what's fascinating about this, and this is fairly new research, I heard Huberman talking about it the other day, and I can't remember the name, I believe it's a female neuroscientist that's doing the research around this, that when they look at people that live very long lives, that part of the brain is larger.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
And so they now are starting to believe that it's not really about willpower, it's about the will to live. And forcing yourself through that resistance to try new things, to do things that you don't feel like, to push yourself, that that is tied to you living a long and amazing life. And it makes sense because human beings are designed in every aspect to grow.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Can I say something? Please. Here's the thing, because it builds on what you're talking about with conflict.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
The mistake that we make is we think that the organizing conflict is what's happening out there. I don't think that's necessarily true. And if you're stuck or struggling right now or you're in the middle of a big reinvention or a change that you want to make, I want you to own the fact that the actual conflict that is powerful is the internal conflict that you're feeling.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because you know you're not in the right job. You know you're not in the right relationship. You know that you're not taking good care of yourself. You know that something is off. And so that internal conflict is hardwired into that...
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
gps system in your body that is trying to keep you aligned and on a path that is aligned with your values and what you deserve in life and so i love that you're starting with this idea of conflict because you know people get stuck and frustrated and lost and then they get scared because that feels very agitating and disorienting that's a really good conflict because it means that internally
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Your body is trying to wake you up and have you go ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. This job doesn't work for me. I shouldn't be treated like this. I'm no longer happy in this relationship. I need to do something about it.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Well, all I'm going to say is that Jefferson has the single best advice on the planet when it comes to the things to say in response to difficult people and how to have difficult conversations. And so here's the thing, though, is that if in a moment when you're dealing with somebody who is gaslighting you, or belittling you, or they're getting very argumentative.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
If you allow your fear of that person, or your fear of conflict, or your desire to be liked to rise up, all of those emotions and feelings will prevent you from using the tools that Jefferson is teaching you. Because you can know what to say in a moment, but if you're suddenly afraid of somebody else's reaction, if you say, I feel how I feel, we see things differently.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
If you're afraid of that and for 30 years of your life, you have just gone silent when you're nervous that somebody's gonna be mad at you or you're nervous somebody's gonna be disappointed or you're nervous that somebody's gonna try to guilt you,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
The let them theory is going to give you power and it is also going to teach you how to not allow those very normal fears to stop you from using the tools that Jefferson is teaching you. So let's just take an example of like, we'll go light to heavy. So let's just take the example of guilt.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Let's say that you have a friend and your friend is having a 38th birthday party and they've invited 12 people. And so you're all going to go to a restaurant and it's going to be, you know, we all been there. There's 12 people. It's a loud restaurant. You can't talk to anybody. Then we're going to split the check. It's a Thursday night. You have no interest in going.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And the only reason why you are feeling like you should go is because you think your friend is going to be passive aggressive. You think your friend is going to be disappointed. This is where the let them theory comes in.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
In order to make the decision that you want to make, which is I'm not going, in order to have the difficult conversation, which for many of us is simply picking up the phone and saying, hey, Jefferson, I just love you. I really want to celebrate for you for your birthday.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I don't have it in me to be at a big party this week, but I would love to take you out on Sunday and just the two of us go for a hike and we could spend some alone time together. It would be incredible. That conversation for a lot of people is terrifying because I don't want to have to deal with your emotions.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
But if you start to use the let them theory, which is let them be disappointed, let them try to guilt you, let them even be a little passive aggressive with you. Oh, you can't, are you sure? You know, I really wanted you there. It's such a bummer. Oh, really? Let them. Let them feel what they feel. Let them express what they express.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And what happens then when you let other people be who they are and be who they're not, and you understand that you can never control what somebody else says, you can't control their emotions, you can't control immature behavior. So let them act how they're going to act. But don't ever let your fear of what they're going to do stop you from having the courage of making decisions that work for you.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so the theory is two parts. The first part is anytime you get nervous around somebody else or you're annoyed or you're afraid or you start people pleasing or you're about to use the tools for Jefferson and then you go to freeze, just say, let them. Let them be disappointed. They're allowed to be disappointed. Let them be upset. They're allowed to be upset.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Let them like misunderstand like my intention here. Let them, let them, let them. Then let me remind myself
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
that i get to choose what i do with my time and energy i get to choose what i think about this and i get to choose what i do with my emotions let me tell this person the truth and then let them have their reaction and so it creates this boundary between you and everybody else that allows you to understand what's your responsibility to manage
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
That's a fantastic question. No, I'm serious. Because how you talk to yourself matters. And I'm 56 years old right now. And how I spoke to myself, my self-talk, was very different for the first 52 years of my life from how it is now.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And what's not, and what's always your responsibility to manage is your health, your time, your energy, and your truth. What's not your responsibility to manage is another adult's emotional reaction or another adult's communication style. That's theirs. So let them know. Do what they're going to do. Let them say what they're going to say. Let them be who they're going to be.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And let me show up in a way that's aligned with my values and communicate as clearly as I can, apologize for what I need to apologize for, and then move on like a mature adult.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You know, it's a great question because I don't think you can hold other people accountable. I think we have to start holding ourselves accountable. for telling the truth, for living according our values, for apologizing when our choices and decisions have unintended impact on other people. I feel like instead of trying to hold everybody else accountable,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
really stop giving your power to other people and focus on the second part of the theory, which is the let me part. Let me hold myself accountable to my own standards and operating with a level of compassion and character. that makes me proud of myself.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because when you understand your intentions and when your actions are aligned with what you know to be true and with your best efforts to be a good person and to be compassionate and to make decisions that certainly are the best decisions for you given everything that you know or are dealing with, but also that takes into consideration other people, there are gonna be plenty of times where I choose to go to the birthday party
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because even though I don't really want to go, it just feels like the right thing to do based on my values. And so I feel like there's too much focus on trying to hold other people accountable. And that if you're feeling that the let them theory and saying let them has made you passive or withdraw, then you're making a major mistake because you're not doing the second part.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
The second part is let me. The second part is where the power is. Everybody loves saying let them because there's a bit of superiority that you feel when you're like, let them, let them be disappointed, let them be good, let them do this, let them do that. But the let me part is, well, hold on a second. What does it mean to me to be a good friend?
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
What does it mean to me to be a good family member? You know, what does it look like if I take full accountability and I hold myself accountable for the kind of relationship that I want with my family or my partner or my colleagues, then how do I need to show up?
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Not as a I do this, you do that, or it's transactional, but rather if I want a great social life, isn't it my responsibility to create that? Yeah.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
if i want a wonderful relationship with my sister isn't that my responsibility to create and look you know there's a lot of people that write in and say i'm using this and i'm realizing i'm the only person in my family that ever reaches out and that happens and what you then have to do is you've got to go let them my siblings are who they are they have the amount of stuff on their plate that they have they have the personalities and the stories that they have they are who they are i need to learn to let them be who they are
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And I heard somebody, there's an incredible woman who I'm sure you know, and if as you're listening to us, you don't recognize this name, that's okay, I'm gonna tell you what she shared with me. Her name is Dr. Julie Smith. And she said recently to me, she said, now Mel, I want you to imagine, the experience of what it would be like to be locked in a room with your childhood bully for a year.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
and learn how and what kind of relationship I want to create with them as they are. Then you pull the power back to yourself. Let me ask myself, is family a core value of mine? And if it is, why do I care who's making the effort? Maybe my job in this family is to be the one that plants things. Maybe I'm the social one. Maybe my sister has things going on that she's not even telling me about.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And the fact that I keep reaching out because I can and I want to is a lifeline that she's not great at kind of making me feel good about it, but I'm not doing it for her. I'm actually reaching out for me. And I think that's a lot of it, that we reach out. Like how many times do you text somebody and you actually expect them that they should text back?
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
That there is this expectation on other people. Is it common courtesy? Of course.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
But I wish we could give each other more grace because everybody has a lot going on right now.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Yeah, that's okay. But what you can do is say, hey, I'm reaching out because I'm a little lonely. If you've got three minutes, give me a call. Instead of the hinting. Or the other thing that I think is a really important application of this is, you know, when people refer to the silent treatment, I think we think a lot about somebody just icing you out.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You know, we've all had that experience of high school, suddenly a friend's not talking to you, you have no idea what you did wrong. But I think there's a even more subtle silent treatment that happens, which is that you know that you need something or want something and you don't actually communicate it. So I'll give you an example.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Let's say all you want to do this Sunday is sit on the couch with your special person and your kids, your partner, whomever, and just watch a big old movie marathon, right? And then Sunday morning rolls around, your partner wakes up and is like, hey, so-and-so called and invited me to go play a round of golf. Is that okay? Can I go? And you're like, sure. Sure. And then what do you do?
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You sit at home and seethe. And then they come home. And then you're like doing dishes in an angry way because they should have known somehow that this was the plan and not to even ask. And they should have gone for nine holes, not 18. But you didn't communicate. And now you're punishing somebody because of your inability to communicate what you actually need.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And there's a lot of reasons why, and this is your area of expertise for why people have trouble asking for what they need. But the bottom line is, is that it is so disrespectful to punish other people because of your silence and inability to communicate. And so another way that the let them theory works there is let them know. Let them know what you need.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
That's it. And then let me be a mature adult if they say, well, actually, I'd really love to go play golf. Let them do what they're going to do. Because people's behavior reveals where you stand in their life and what's important to them. But you're never going to be important to them if you're not actually able to communicate What you need or the small changes that people want to make.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Like I was talking with one of my daughters the other day and I'm like, you know, learning how to be like pick up after yourself around the house. That's a skill. Learning how to cook a good dinner. That's a skill, dude. So if you are dating somebody that doesn't know how to do that. don't silently sit there and judge.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Like, how would that feel? And I was like, awful. I mean, and if you just imagine the person that kind of picked on you or that you were kind of afraid of or the kind of mean person that you avoided in your school, imagine being locked in a room with them for a year. It would be horrible. And then she said, well, great.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Communicate that this is something that you would love to have the two of you get better at. And so I feel like a lot of your work
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
can really help people also understand it's not just the difficult conversations that happen with people with big personalities or when there's conflict, it's that quiet internal conflict that you feel about actually just saying what's so or asking for what you need or being honest about how you feel, that these are the opportunities using all the things that you teach us, Jefferson,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
to truly understand that if you can stop being silent and learn how to communicate when it's difficult for you to say hey family i'm drowning over here i i need help i need you guys to do the i need help with the laundry i'm tired of being a every night because i'm so angry that i'm cooking dinner and i'm working full-time and i'm doing the laundry and nobody's helping me out
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You're allowed to ask, but we don't because of that conflict you've been talking about. I think sometimes those are the most difficult conversations. The simple requests that we need to make when we're not fried and emotional and pissed off with the people that we love the most.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Now imagine what it would be like to be locked in that room instead with your best friend. And that obviously would be better because you'd have a companion. You'd have somebody that you could have fun with. You'd have somebody that would cheer you up and make you feel hopeful even though you're stuck in this room together to play games with, to see the brighter side of things, to make you laugh.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You not only have that right, but I want to unpack two really important things there. So the first thing I want to unpack is the reason why the let them theory is such a phenomenon is that it does not exist in a vacuum.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I am reminding you of what you know to be true. I am not the first person, in fact, ever since we announced this book, people have come out of the woodworks, be like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. T.D. Jakes did a sermon 20 years ago, let them go. The serenity prayer is the let them theory. Buddhism, radical acceptance, stoicism, The peaceful like protest. This is all about controlling your response.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
If you've read Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl, the entire book is about the power of attitude and how the things out there. you can't control, but they don't have to impact what you're thinking about in here. These are powerful concepts that have been woven through spiritual teachings, philosophy, therapeutic modalities since the beginning of time.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I have just taken all of that and turned it into a simple tool that you activate with two words, let them and let me. And, you know, for me in my family, my mom is literally like, I've lived like this my entire life. In fact, she had a pillow that said, pull up your big girl panties and deal with it. That's let me. That's let me and my mother.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so the reason why I also believe that this has exploded is because you are being reminded of what you already know to be true. You are also being handed a tool. And this is happening at a moment in history. that feels at unprecedented levels like everything is out of control. And the headlines are overwhelming. People's stress levels are overwhelming.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Everybody has somebody in their family who is profoundly struggling. People are worried about the economy. They're worried about their kids. They're worried about the future. And it doesn't matter where you live or who you are. People are worried about AI. All of this feels like it is out of control. And this is ultimately a book about control.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And I love that visual because that is your self-communication. The person that you're locked in a room with is a visual example of how you talk to yourself.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And how when you try to control things that you can't control, like other people's opinions or their moods or their attitudes or how fast they drive or slow they drive or whether or not they ride the bumper, it just creates stress for you.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And the real power in life, whether you're learning through it through stoicism or you're learning about it through Viktor Frankl's work or you're learning about it through radical acceptance, is in focusing on what you can control, which is your response, your attitude, what you choose to do or don't do in response to the things around you.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And the second thing I wanted to say about that story, because I absolutely love it, and we can all relate to that, just pull over and just, you know, how did your dad say it? Let your bad self by?
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Yeah, you're just still like, go on with your bad self. You're acknowledging the negative energy. You're allowing it, right? So now you're in control. It's not like he's run you off the road. You're like, all right, go on with your bad self. I'm in control here. Because I'm choosing to pull over and I'm choosing to recognize your energy is not affecting me.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And as I explain that metaphor for you, and as you visualize it for yourself, just the experience of what it would be like to be locked in a room with a bully versus locked in a room with a best friend, you could viscerally feel what that would be like. And I think what I didn't realize for a long time is just how loud and critical my self-talk and self-communication was.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And this is the second thing that's actually really, really important. So you talked about being in the passenger seat and feeling that volcano of stressful energy rise up in your body. And the reason why it's important to use the let them theory in the micro moments standing in line and it's taken too long.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
dealing with a frustrating customer service issue, having somebody be rude to you, like all these little things, people like stopping in front of you and then that, like whatever rude behavior, let them, let them, let them.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because every time you say let them, just like with your dad, go on with your bad self, just like when you do that, what you're doing is you're not allowing dumb things on the outside to actually steal your life force. And what I realized, Jefferson, is that
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I had no idea how even just two years ago, the age of 54, I would come barreling in to my home at the end of the day, completely stressed out from work and emails and Zoom calls and the long lines and the traffic commute home. And I'd throw my bag down and I'm all razzled and stressed out from all these micro moments. where I'm letting the stress rise up. And then what do I do? I snap at my kids.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And you taught me something. You taught me a saying that I said, that I taught to my family to say to me, which is, you know, I'm really sorry for what your work stress did to you, but you're going to have to apologize for what your work stress is doing to me. And it wasn't until I learned to say, let them.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And I started protecting myself from the unnecessary stress and frustration of all the things that happened in modern life. that I actually got on the other side of this problem. And I can now walk in to my house at the end of the day and not vomit all of that frustration and stress on my kids and my husband.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And the reason why this matters is because I think it's very hard, or at least it's very hard for me to communicate effectively or to communicate like a mature adult or with kindness
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
When I am stressed out or I am frustrated or I am tired and it has been a life changing experience in terms of the level of peace in our household and the amount of safety that I think my family feels around me like, oh, what kind of we all have that person in our family. What kind of mood are they going to be when they come home? Well, that was me.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because I was constantly allowing everything to get to me and then I would get home and I'm like a raw wire. And then that's when you use that tone or that's when you say something you regret or you send that snarky email.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And saying let them, let them, let them and protecting my peace has made me a better communicator overall because I'm actually calm and centered when I'm opening my mouth at the end of the day.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
That I didn't see the things that I did well. I saw everything I didn't do right. You know, I could have done 100 things a day, and I'm sure as you're listening to Jefferson and me right now, you've done 100 things already today, even if it's only 10 o'clock in the morning. You've done 100 things correctly. You fed the dog. You got out of bed. You selected a podcast.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
She's actually going to be on the cover. We're in all the new books. Yeah, we're putting her on the cover.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
It was really cool because, you know, what was very cool about it is it happened organically. And I'll spare you the story, but we're very different people. And my brain is sort of like, imagine you've got a cardboard box full of mice and you dump it out in a kitchen. Like, that's the way my brain works. And my daughter literally, she thinks like an Excel spreadsheet. She's a walking computer.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so the two of us working together was like, I mean... I oil and water. I was I drove her crazy. And all day long, we would have to say, let her, let her, let her, let her. I'd be like, you're so intense. This is a creative project. You got to loosen up. And then she'd be like, you're a nightmare. And we let them let them. And so the experience. Was super emotional and frustrating.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
We argued over every word, which is why the book is actually so good, because I would come to the table with a story, you know, from my life about a particular way to use let than theory. And she's like, nobody my age gives a shit about that. We're not going to put that in that book. And I'd be like, whoa, OK, well, you know, and then she'd tell a story. So it became a universal thing.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
book because we were arguing from both of our experiences to make sure that absolutely everybody could see themselves in every story either you're the villain which I normally am because I'm the one that was emotionally immature and controlling or you're the person who's having to deal with somebody who's controlling and emotionally immature and so
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
But what really happened, and this is the beauty of the theory, and this is the beauty also of learning how to speak and communicate clearly, learning how to be more compassionate, learning how to listen, learning how to create space for two things can be true at the same time, and people can come at the same thing from very, very different perspectives and still weirdly kind of want the same thing but not see it the same way.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so learning to say, let her, let her, let her, let her, it created this space between us that allowed us to actually see each other without changing each other or resenting each other for who we are for probably the first time in our lives.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And inside that space of me being able to not judge or be pissed off at how rigid and organized and like hard driving she is, and for her not to be just wanting to just throttle me for being all over the place and hard to nail down and disorganized,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You create this space for people to be who they are, and you also create this skill of learning how to love somebody for who they are and who they aren't, and not have the things that you're trying to change or you've always wanted to change actually create frustration. You just replace it with acceptance. And it healed our relationship.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so this is really, for me, a theory that when you let other people be who they are, your relationships get better. Like part of the reason why we have so much miscommunication is because we're trying to change everybody.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
It's because we're frustrated with who people are instead of learning how to have more compassion and accept where people are at and accept that people are doing the best that they can and accept that people want to thrive. And if they're not thriving, there's probably a skill or they're feeling a little discouraged, which is why they're not doing it.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Like so many things are like check, check, check, but you don't see any of those. you probably have more of a voice that's a bully. And that was my voice for 52 years. I was just laser focused on what I was doing wrong, the one thing I didn't get to. I would look in the mirror and pick myself apart. And I think that there's this mistake in society that believes that if you are tough,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so, you know, for me, not only managing my stress and having more peace has certainly impacted how I communicate, But learning how to operate with a lot more compassion and grace and acceptance has definitely changed how I communicate.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because you'll notice when you're not trying to change people and when you're no longer afraid of people's reactions, you actually create the space for open communication because there's nothing to manage.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I think you're a genius. And no, I mean it. Because I was sitting here marinating on, I don't need to change your mind. And the interesting thing, I think that also happens psychologically when you say, I don't need to change your mind. is that if somebody says that to me, there's almost this part of me, it's like, well, wait a minute. I didn't say, you know what I'm saying?
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Like you just opened the, right? Because now you have given me autonomy and agency and respect to have my own opinion. So now I'm actually open to changing it.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I don't need to change your mind.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Well, I think that the first step is you get to choose whether or not you want to. Yeah. And so I think a lot of conflict that I've felt personally in my life with people that have challenging personalities or past histories is the obligation that I'm supposed to. It's a very big change when you recognize you actually have a choice.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
or if you are hard on yourself, that somehow that is motivating you. It actually has the opposite effect. Like somehow a lot of us are very successful in life or we get through the day despite the fact That our self-communication and the way we talk to ourselves sounds more like a bully than a best friend.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And when you have somebody in your life, especially if it's a family member, that is a very challenging personality, there is this sense that you have an obligation to love them no matter what. That's not true. You get to choose who and how you love. And when you take on, again, the let me part, let them be who they are. If they have a narcissistic personality style, that's who they are.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And the expectation that they're going to change and the hope that they will is what keeps you in conflict with this person because you're expecting them to change. You want them to change. You're hoping they're going to change. And so you bring in all that energy to the dynamic. When you just go, let them. Let them reveal who they are. This person has been who they've been for their entire life.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I know what every interaction is going to be like with this person because they're always the same. If you watch people's behavior, it's the clearest form of communication that there is. And when you let people be who they are and who they're not, and you have zero resistance to it, you now take all the power back and you say, I'm not letting them be disrespectful.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I'm not letting them walk all over me. I'm for the first time letting them reveal the truth of who they are. And that allows me to walk in with eyes wide open and say, live in the reality of who I'm dealing with instead of gaslighting myself being in the fantasy of who I wish this person would be.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so when you just let people reveal who they are, you're not going to brace because you know that this person sucks all the wind out of every conversation or has to turn everything political or makes it all about them or everything's true. You know this going in. You're not going to waste any energy wishing it was going to be different because you know, and you're going to let them.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And then you're going to say, let me remind myself my time and energy. I got to protect it. I can leave any conversation, any text chain, any table, any family gathering, anytime I choose. I don't have to, I don't have to like play into this because I recognize what it is. Now here's where the loving, difficult people come in. you can still choose to love somebody who's difficult.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
There are a lot of us that have people in our families or in our lives that have somebody that either has a lot of trauma in their background and they act out in a lot of ways that are very challenging, or they have a narcissistic or borderline personality style, and it's very, very challenging and confusing, but because of your values, you choose to have this person in your life.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And when you say to yourself, I'm going to choose to love somebody who is difficult, that means you now recognize something very important. Your relationship is controlled by you. If you want it to change, it all comes from the change in your energy and your time and your boundaries with this person, because you can't change the other person. And so, you know, really,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so a couple of years ago, through a combination of just researching a project that I was working on and getting serious about therapy and working on some things in my marriage and really just saying, I don't understand why I've achieved all this stuff. But I am so burnt out and I feel like I army crawl through the day.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Number one, ask yourself, do I just feel obligated to love this difficult person or do I actually want to choose to figure out how to do this? And number two, if I were to just let them be who they are and give up any hope that they're ever changing, do I still choose loving this person? And what does that mean? And number three, let me remind myself I'm actually the one in control here.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
My relationship with this person I'm choosing to love is my responsibility. I get to choose how much time and energy I put into it. And I also get to choose to force myself to live into the reality that this is who this person is. And therefore, I will act accordingly.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Well, you're welcome, Jefferson. And I'm going to tell you something. The second your book publishes, I am going to be happy to step aside and hand that number one New York Times bestselling slot to you because you deserve it. And your book is incredible. And I cannot wait to see people read it and improve themselves because of it. So know that I'm always here cheering you on.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And it was surprising to me, although looking back, it doesn't seem surprising when you think about self-talk as either being locked in a room with a bully or locked in a room with a best friend. It was surprising to me how long I lived with a bully in my head. And what I will tell you is this. I am still productive.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
But I am more motivated, I am happier, and I am able to see the things that are going well because I have changed the way I communicate to myself.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
So there's a number of things I want to say. First of all, if you can admit to yourself that you've had it and that you're stuck or that just the way that life is going, it's just not working anymore. What I'm going to tell you, and this is going to sound awful, is congratulations because that's step one.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Step one of changing your life is having the courage to admit to yourself that the way that your life is going right now and the way that it feels for you no longer works for you. That's it. See, I think I misinterpreted what stuckness was for a long time. I thought stuck meant I'm still. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Still is what happened before.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
That's when you were going through autopilot and you're sort of just going through the motions. When you get to the point where you're like, I've had it, I'm stuck, I'm frustrated, I'm lost. I feel scared about this. That's good news because it means the energy inside you is starting to rattle around. You're no longer on autopilot. You just woke up and went, this doesn't work.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And so I want you to first things first, pat yourself on the back because you have declared that the way that life feels isn't how you want it to feel. And that's step one. And you can't change your life without actually doing that first. So that's why I'm gonna say, give yourself credit for recognizing you deserve more than where you're at.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Number two, I have found that in moments like that, that the most important thing that I can do next, once I say the way that my life feels no longer works for me, I need to do something. I deserve to feel happier. I deserve to feel better. I deserve to look at the next chapter of my life and build something that makes me feel a little bit better and a little bit prouder of myself.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
So once you do that, here's what I want you to do. I want you to use a tool that I've used over and over and over again to help me in these moments because it is daunting when you go, okay, I know I don't know, I know I don't want my life to feel like this, but I don't know what the heck I want. No problem. No problem.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You don't have to know exactly what you want in your life in order to change it for the better. Because if you don't know what specific career move you want to make or relationship move you want to make or what project you want to take on or whether or not you want to move somewhere, no problem.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because the single best project to take on when you don't know what to do to change your life is take on improving yourself. So make it a project to either improve your health or make it a project to improve your mental health or make it a project to learn a new skill. And the fact that you have chosen to find time to hit play on this episode and invest in listening
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
to something that could teach you how to be a better communicator, that's an example of what I'm talking about.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because if you make yourself and your own improvement just the project you're going to focus on, that I've just spent the last 50 years taking care of everybody else for this next chapter of my life, for the next three months, the next year, whatever you want, I'm just going to make my health a priority. You do that and you will start to feel different.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
you will start to feel better, you will start to have something to focus on other than the aspects of your life that are dragging you down, and simply creating that as a project actually will help you build some forward momentum. And once you start to build forward momentum,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Now you're going to start to feel more energized and excited to maybe attack your career or attack the relationship that's not working or attack some bigger problems. But if you don't know what you want out in the future, you deserve to just make yourself healthier.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because if you can do that, you're going to feel better in a week or a month, and then that's going to give you new insight into what you actually might want to take on. So that's step number two, because a lot of times when people say I want to change and then I don't know what I want, that not knowing is what continues to keep you feeling stagnant.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Now, third thing I want you to do, because I have come to believe, Jefferson, after 56 years of my own challenges and successes and struggles and things that I've changed in myself and also doing the kind of work that I do,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
I have come to believe that the single biggest thing that stands in someone's way and stops them from changing their life or changing their job or becoming financially secure or whatever it may be, the single biggest thing, it's not your ability, it's not your skill level. The single biggest thing that stands in people's way is discouragement.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
This sense that as I sit here in this moment and I'm however old that I am, and I'm telling myself this self-talk that I'm stuck and that no matter what I do, it's not gonna work. And things may work out for Mel or they may work out for Jefferson, but they don't work out for a person like me. Like if you have a sense of discouragement and the self-talk keeps you feeling discouraged,
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
No advice, no plan, no nothing is going to help because the discouragement convinces you not to do anything. And so I have this exercise that I've done in my own life over and over and over again that helps me shake that discouragement, and it's this.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
If you're in a moment in your life where you're feeling very stuck, you can grasp, okay, I got it, Mel, I'm gonna work on myself or I'm gonna get a new job, whatever, but I just have this sense that it's not gonna work. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to look backward and look all the way back through your life
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
Because when you look backwards through your life, what you're going to notice is that your life is this meandering path of things that have happened good and bad to you that have all led you to this point. And even your lowest, scariest, saddest, most heartbreaking moments were still part of the fabric of experiences that led you to this moment, all of which gave you skills. It gave you wisdom.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
it brought you to where you are now. And so I think it's very easy to sit in this moment and see how even the lowest moments of your life actually led you somewhere better in the future. You can do the same thing forward to the future.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
So if you can look backwards and see all the evidence of your life pointing you to a place where you are now, even if where you are now is stuck, you're still better in many ways than where you were way back when.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
You can also stand in this moment where you feel stuck and a little lost and a little discouraged, and you can remind yourself that this moment too is but a brick on the path that is my life. And I choose to believe that there is a lesson in this moment that is meant for me.
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
And I may not understand why I need to be stuck right now, but I choose to believe that 10 years from now, I'm gonna look back on this moment here and I'm gonna understand exactly why this was part of a better future that I can't see right now. And that's how I've been able to leverage hope
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
the one the only mel robbins mel thank you so much for hopping on today jefferson has anyone ever told you you're a great communicator as you're sitting there going have you ever tried to like i'm like oh this is going to be good i wonder who he's having on this would be great yeah no seriously i'm eager to listen yeah me too
The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Mel Robbins: How to Handle Difficult People with the Let Them Theory
and leverage optimism when I can't quite trust in what's going to happen because I either don't know what's going to happen or I don't have a clear vision about what I want, but I can trust in my own life experience that I can figure it out and somehow it's going to make sense. And that has always just helped lift that fog and that heaviness that despair can cast on you in those moments.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey, everybody, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. For season two. Season two. Relationships, comparisons, and growth. And I am so excited to be diving into this season with you all.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Jetzt im Reisebüro oder auf alturs.de. Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. She had this incredible group of friends. They're all moms in the same suburban neighborhood. And for years they did everything together. Carpools, playdates, even book club.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But then as their kids got older and everyone's lives got busier, those friendships just started to drift.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's the classic slow fade phenomenon where it's like you don't even realize it's happening. Then one day you look up and you're like, oh, my gosh, I haven't talked to my close friend in months.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it's that feeling of being out of sync that's so relatable. And I think it often stems from this unspoken expectation that friendships should just flow effortlessly. But the truth is, sometimes they require a bit of conscious effort. But that's actually a good thing because it means we have the power to shape our relationships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So in Mel's case, she actually decided to do something about it. She stumbled upon this framework called the Friendship Reset.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it completely transformed her approach to friendships. And so we wanted to do a deep dive into this framework today.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, it's so powerful. And this framework actually has two distinct steps. The first step is called let them.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And I love that name because it's all about releasing the need to control or change the other person. Sometimes friends drift apart for reasons that are completely outside of our control. Maybe they're going through a difficult time. Maybe their priorities have shifted or maybe they just need some space.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it's so easy to take that personally, like, what did I do wrong? But this let them step encourages us to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. It's about accepting that we can't force someone to be friends with us. And sometimes the best thing we can do is simply let them be where they are. And that doesn't mean we just give up on the friendship altogether.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about acknowledging the current reality and allowing the relationship to unfold organically. But that doesn't mean that we sit back and do nothing. That's where the second step comes in. And this is called let me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And so for this deep dive, we're going to be tackling friendships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And this is where things get really interesting. The let me step shifts the focus inwards. It's about taking responsibility for our role in the friendship and asking ourselves, what can I do to nurture this connection?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So what are your thoughts on this so far?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. And one of the first tools within the, let me say, it's called the friendship audit.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Specifically how to create those unshakable bonds that last a lifetime.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love this idea. Have you ever done a friendship audit?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I think that's so important because sometimes we get so caught up in the routine of friendships that we don't stop to evaluate whether they're truly serving us or not.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So how does this friendship audit work in practice? Do you have any tips for our listeners on how to do it effectively?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But you know what's interesting? Even though I think we all crave that deep connection, friendships can feel really, really tricky to navigate.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like a relationship checkup.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And one of the most important questions to ask yourself during this audit is, do I feel seen and valued in this friendship? Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. Because ultimately we all crave that sense of belonging and deep connection. And if a friendship isn't providing that, it might be time to reevaluate its role in our lives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because it's not just about what we're getting from the friendship. It's also about what we're contributing. And we're constantly giving without receiving anything in return. It can lead to resentment and burnout.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me stop.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay. Vulnerability. This is where things get really personal. So what are vulnerability scripts?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that because sometimes it's hard to know where to begin, especially when we're talking about vulnerable topics. These scripts give us a framework for expressing our feelings and needs in a way that feels safe and authentic.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So could you give us some examples?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love those. And I think what makes those so effective is that they're direct and honest without being accusatory.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And by opening up in this way, we create space for our friends to do the same, which can ultimately lead to a deeper, more fulfilling connection.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about reclaiming our agency and recognizing that we have the power to shape our relationships, even when they feel messy or challenging.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. OK, so we've talked about the friendship audit and vulnerability scripts like two really powerful tools for taking ownership of our friendships. But the friendship reset framework doesn't stop there.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, I'm intrigued.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, so tell me more about accountability actions. What do they look like in real life?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, I love that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that idea because it's so easy to let those friendships kind of slip through the cracks when we get busy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But if we're scheduling those check-ins and make sure that we're making time for those connections.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's just that dedicated space for connection.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The five minute rule. That sounds intriguing. Tell me more.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is. It's like we get busy. Life throws us curveballs and sometimes those close connections just start to fade. And it's so frustrating.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it's amazing how those little tiny gestures can make someone feel so seen.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Appreciated.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Cared for.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right. We're back. Let's continue. You know, we actually heard a story from one of our listeners who used this approach to repair a friendship that had been broken for 10 years.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I know. 10 years.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And they sent a simple text message, apologizing for ghosting and expressing their desire to reconnect.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. And you know what? The friend responded immediately.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even heartbreaking.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
They'd also missed the friendship and were so relieved to hear from our listener. And so they ended up having this long phone call and are now back in each other's lives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It really is. And it all started with that one small step of reaching out.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And speaking of vulnerability.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The Friendship Reset also includes a really helpful tool called the Vulnerability Checklist.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love checklists. So tell me about this.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, they're so practical.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's so easy to just fall into routine with our friends.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And just kind of skim the surface. But this checklist really challenges us to go deeper.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And explore the true potential of those relationships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. And sometimes those deeper conversations can lead to challenging topics or disagreements.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so important because let's be honest, navigating difficult conversations can be incredibly daunting, especially when it comes to our closest friends.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. And I think, you know, speaking of that, we actually got a letter from a listener named Emil who was going through something similar. OK, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So instead of avoiding those tough topics, we can actually address them head on.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
With the goal of strengthening the friendship.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Rather than damaging it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And even though these conversations might be challenging, they're often necessary for growth and deeper understanding.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So we've covered a lot of ground here.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We've talked about the friendship reset framework, which includes the let them step, the let me step with its tools like the friendship audit vulnerability scripts, accountability actions, the vulnerability checklist, and even the hard conversation template. It's an incredibly comprehensive approach to building and nurturing those unshakable friendships that I think we all crave.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it all starts with that shift in mindset from let them to let me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
From acceptance to action.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And sometimes all it takes is one small step to make a world of difference. We'll be right back after this quick break. All right, we're back. Let's continue.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And remember, you don't have to do this alone.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, so if you're feeling inspired to try the Friendship Reset, head over to TheMessyPodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We've packed it with practical tips, insightful exercises and real life stories to help you cultivate deeper, more fulfilling friendships. And it's like this whole idea of the friendship reset takes the pressure off of having these perfect Instagram worthy friendships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like we're constantly comparing our messy, complicated relationships to these curated snapshots of perfection.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it just leads to so much self-doubt and insecurity.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But the truth is friendships are messy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
They do evolve and they do require effort. And the friendship reset embraces that reality.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, because conflict doesn't have to be a negative thing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's often through those difficult conversations that we learn and grow the most.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So if you're listening to this and you're feeling a little discouraged about your friendships, maybe you're experiencing some distance, some conflict, or maybe you're just feeling like you've outgrown some of your relationships. I want you to remember Mel's story.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And the Friendship Reset gives us a roadmap for doing just that. It provides us with the tools and the strategies to navigate the ups and downs of friendships with grace, intentionality and a whole lot of heart.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So if you're ready to embark on your own Friendship Reset journey, we're here to support you every step of the way. Head over to TheMessyPodcast.com to download our Friendship Reset Workbook and explore all the resources we've created to help you cultivate those deeper, more fulfilling connections in your life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for joining us on this messy and meaningful journey.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP5 | Creating Unshakeable Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Until next time, keep those friendships messy, keep them meaningful, and keep them evolving.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey, everybody, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. You know, we're in the thick of season two now, and this season is all about relationships, comparisons, and growth. And you know what's super messy?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Friendship autopilot. That's a really interesting way to put it. Can you tell me a little bit more about that? What does that mean?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes total sense. But then, you know, life gets in the way. You know what I mean? Routines change. Things get busy. And suddenly those connections kind of fade.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. And, you know, there was actually a 2022 Harvard study that found that 65 percent of adult friendships dissolved within seven years, primarily due to life transitions that actually due to conflict.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Five percent.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. You hit the nail on the head. You lose those inside jokes, the easy understanding. And this is where this framework, it's called Let Them Power Move, comes in. It encourages us to accept this reality of friendship drift, you know, and then make these intentional choices about which friendships to release and which to rebuild.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Adult friendships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
No, not at all. It's really about recognizing that we can't control other people's actions or choices.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I mean, haven't we all been there? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So today we're going to do a deep dive on it. Episode four, we're calling it the truth about adult friendships, why they fade and how to reset.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like sometimes people drift, sometimes priority shift. That's OK. It's not about placing blame. It's about giving ourselves and our friends permission to evolve.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's where this idea of it's like a two part framework, this let them power move, let me choose. That's where it comes in. It's about recognizing, you know, we can't control other people, but we can control our own responses. Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. So we get to decide which friendships we want to nurture and which ones we need to release, even if it's painful.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's less about being passive and more about being intentional with our energy. I'm starting to get it now.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But what about those friendships that we do want to rebuild? Like, where do we even begin?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, totally.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know what? It's so true. I was actually reading a story about a listener who revived a college friendship after 10 years with just a simple voice note.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And her friend responded and said, I thought you'd think I was weird for reaching out.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And they were both just waiting for the other person to make the first move.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. We overestimate the risk and underestimate the reward.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And remember, it doesn't have to be a grand gesture. These small, consistent actions can make a big difference.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Precisely. It's like retraining that friendship autopilot to operate on a new frequency. It's about showing up in those little ways that say, hey, I still value this connection. Okay, so we've talked about let them power move. We've talked about the importance of small, consistent actions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But for those of us who are ready to fully commit to rebuilding, do you have like a more structured approach, you know, like a step-by-step plan? I'm all about like tangible steps to get things moving.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, I love it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, I'm ready. Hit me with it. Friendship reset, here we come.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue. Okay, so we've sorted. Our friendship's got our buckets all figured out. What's next?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so one reach out per week. That's doable. Totally. Love it. What's the final step?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Ooh, an unsent goodbye letter.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wow. Okay. What would I even write in a letter like that?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so powerful. You know, it's like we're making space for new connections, new chapters to unfold.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so good. And remember, even if a friendship has run its course, it doesn't diminish the value of the time you shared.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All those memories, all those lessons learned, they're all still a part of you.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Couldn't have said it better myself. We'll be right back after this quick break. All right, we're back. Let's continue. And for those of you who want a little extra support on this messy, beautiful journey of adult friendships, be sure to visit us at TheMessyPodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay. Before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Cool.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So good. Thanks for joining us on this deep dive, everyone.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP4 | The Truth About Adult Friendships | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. Well, I think that feeling that you're describing is so common and it often stems not from conflict, but from just the natural shifts of adulthood. So it's not just me being a bad friend. I mean, I'm partially relieved to hear that. But seriously, like, why does this happen? I mean, like, what's the deal?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey everybody and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. And today we are going to deep dive into a topic. that I think we've all experienced at one time or another, that twinge of envy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. Constantly in our face with everyone else's highlight reel.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So wait a minute. We actually get rewarded for comparing ourselves.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even when it makes us feel bad.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That seems messed up.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about recognizing that their success doesn't take away from your worth or potential.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me. What does that mean?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But the big question is, can we actually use envy as a guidepost for personal growth?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I've heard of like a gratitude journal. This is new.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So I might write down like I'm envious of their freedom and flexibility as a business owner.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So instead of stewing in envy, I'm using it as a clue to uncover what I truly desire.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, this is fascinating. What's the next step?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Episode three, comparison is your greatest teacher.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about transforming. I wish I had that. Into how can I create that for myself?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know, I think a lot of us get stuck in that comparison trap because we're afraid to admit what we really want. It feels safer to focus on what others have. Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off, even if it makes us miserable.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. And the best part is it takes away the sting of comparison. You know, when you're focused on your own journey, you're less concerned with what everyone else is doing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This is brilliant. It's like you're giving us permission to feel those uncomfortable feelings of envy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But then empowering us to do something constructive with them.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. You know, I was thinking about this just the other day. I was scrolling through Instagram, saw friends just picture perfect vacation photos. And I felt that pang of envy. Like, why doesn't my family look that happy on vacation? I know that a lot of our listeners out there. can relate to that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
to get her workouts in.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's incredible.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I struggled to even turn off my alarm at that hour.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's not about copying someone else's routine, but about using their experience as inspiration to design a plan that works for you.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that's the beauty of the let them power move. It's not about denying or suppressing envy. It's about acknowledging it. understanding it, and then using it as a catalyst for growth. And this can be applied to like any area of life. Let's say you're feeling envious of a colleague's recent promotion.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, those are totally natural reactions. But instead of getting stuck in those thought loops, you can use the let them power move to shift your perspective. You start by saying, let them have their success. I'm genuinely happy for them.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So I might write something like, I envy my colleagues' leadership role and the respect they receive from our team.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so insightful. It's like using envy as a compass to point me in the right direction. And then I can take those insights and turn them into an action plan. I could talk to my manager about taking on more leadership roles, enroll in a professional development course, or seek out a mentor who can guide me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, this is a big one.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Especially with everyone showcasing their picture perfect partnerships on social media.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. It's so easy to forget that every relationship has its challenges, its ups and downs.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, so I might take some time to reflect on what's truly important to me in a relationship and how I can bring more of those qualities into my own partnership.
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S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know what I love about this approach is that it's not about trying to be someone else or have what they have. It's about using their experience as a catalyst to explore your own unique path and create a life that feels truly authentic and fulfilling.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So instead of letting comparison lead to self-doubt and insecurity, we can use it as a springboard for growth, deeper connection, and ultimately a more fulfilling life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know, I used to think that envy was just a negative emotion, something to be ashamed of. But now I'm starting to see it as a valuable tool, a compass pointing me towards my own unmet needs and aspirations.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I think the first step is just acknowledging those feelings of envy, you know, when they come up. Instead of pushing them down or judging ourselves for having them, we can look at them with curiosity.
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S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love journaling. I'm a big believer in it. But for those of you out there who haven't jumped on that bandwagon yet, it might feel kind of daunting. Do you have any tips for getting started with the comparison journal?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be right back after this quick break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right. We're back. Let's continue. That's so important. You know, we try to suppress those uncomfortable feelings, but allowing ourselves to fully feel them is the first step to moving through them.
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S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that's what the transformation begins, right? Yes. We're not wallowing in it anymore. We're actually using it as fuel to create that life that feels more aligned with our true selves.
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S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love this entire framework. It's so empowering. It's like we're taking back control, you know, from those external comparisons.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And saying, I am the architect of my own life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So you're saying our brains haven't quite caught up to the digital age yet.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Amazing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so helpful. I know our listeners are going to love that. And while you're over on our website, check out the show notes for this episode. We've included links to all the books and resources that we talked about today.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So as we wrap up this episode, I want to leave our listeners with this. Comparison can be a really powerful teacher, but it's up to us to choose how we want to respond to those feelings. We can let envy consume us or we can use it as fuel to create a life that feels truly authentic and fulfilling.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because like in today's world, that ancient comparison mechanism can go a little haywire, especially with social media. Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
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S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So the next time you find yourself in that comparison trap, grab your comparison journal, embrace the fuel, let them power move and start turning those feelings of envy into fuel for your own unique and extraordinary journey.
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S2 EP3 | Comparison as Your Greatest Teacher | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And don't forget to visit us at themessypodcast.com. For all those awesome resources, show notes, and of course, to support our work. We love hearing from you, so be sure to leave a review and let us know what topics you'd like us to explore in future episodes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey everybody and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. We are diving deep into Season 2.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
She used this let them plus let me approach and said to herself.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them underpay me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me go out and find a job that values my skills.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
What happened? Did she actually leave her job?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Totally.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wow. That's amazing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Her closing line in her email was, let them underpay. Let me rise.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Actually, this whole topic really hit home for me after a weekend getaway I had with friends a while back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I still get chills thinking about it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That is so inspiring.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It shows that we really do have the power to change our circumstances.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even if it feels scary or uncertain at first.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So if we're looking for the biggest takeaway from this deep dive into fairness, what would it be?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
What do we want our listeners to really hold on to?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, that's good. Yeah. I like that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Explain what you mean.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be right back after this quick break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We were splitting the costs equally, but I ended up in the smallest room sleeping on a squeaky old couch bed.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We will pay peanuts for it and we can make billions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right. We're back. Let's continue. That is such a powerful way to look at it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's not about waiting for the world to become fair.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about taking responsibility for our own well-being.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And creating fairness in our own lives, one choice at a time.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I know.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's a good one. And to our listeners, if you're feeling inspired to put this into action, we challenge you to choose just one unfair dynamic in your life, something that's been causing you resentment or frustration, and apply the Let Them Plus Let Me framework.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It was not good.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Write it down.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Say it out loud.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You might be surprised by the shift in perspective it creates. And remember, you don't have to do this alone.
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S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Head over to TheMessyPodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And I kept going back and forth in my head.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
For all sorts of bonus resources. We've got you covered. Including a guided meditation for releasing resentment. Ooh. A fairness audit worksheet to help you identify those areas. Yes. Where you might be... Tolerating Inequality.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And a list of all the incredible books we mentioned today.
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S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I know. Yeah. Plus, while you're there, consider supporting our work so we can keep creating content to help you navigate life's messy moments.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because let's face it, life is messy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like, am I being a pushover? Should I say something?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And sometimes it's downright unfair.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But with the right tools and the right mindset, we can create our own version of fairness.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's right. We get to choose how we show up in the world no matter what life throws our way.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for joining us on this messy but oh so important journey.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Until next time.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Keep it real.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Keep it messy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And keep choosing yourself.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But in the end, I stayed silent.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is. And you know what? I was so resentful afterwards.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like that resentment becomes the price we pay for not honoring our own needs in the face of unfairness.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
No one.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And the funny thing is, when I told my partner about it later, his reaction was so simple.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But it was like a light bulb went off.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All about relationships, comparisons, and growth. Yeah. And in this episode...
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
He just said, well, you didn't speak up.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And in that moment, I realized all that resentment was stemming from my own choice to stay silent. Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
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S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. That's a profound realization.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It highlights how often resentment is a consequence of our own inaction.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Our own choice to stay silent when we should be advocating for ourselves. Totally. So if we're looking to tackle this feeling of unfairness head on, it seems like Understanding why it bothers us so much is a good place to start. I mean, it's not just about being sensitive.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so tell me more.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, wow.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So our brains are throwing us back to the days of fighting for survival.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Episode two.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even if the stakes are way lower now.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes sense.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It often feels like a gut punch reaction.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Signaling danger. Interesting. Even if the situation isn't actually life threatening.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's true.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The hijack. The amygdala hijack.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Well, think of it this way.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Imagine you're driving and someone suddenly cuts you off.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That immediate surge of anger, fear, or even panic you might feel. Oh, yeah. That's your amygdala taking over, putting you in that fight, flight, or freeze mode.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It can feel that intense.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Totally. And what's fascinating is that. What's that? A 2025 study. Okay. From Princeton University.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
actually found that feelings of inequity light up the same brain regions associated with physical pain. Wow, that is wild. It's wild. It explains why it can feel so visceral, so deeply unsettling.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But if our brains are essentially wired to react this way, does that mean we're just stuck feeling powerless?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Faced with unfairness?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, our thinking brain.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So we need to shift gears.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Get our thinking brain online.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Instead of just reacting from that primal place of fear and anger.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But how do we actually do that? I mean, knowing about brain regions is one thing. But how do we actually apply that in the heat of the moment?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It really does.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love it. Okay. The let them plus let me framework.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That sounds promising.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Tell me more.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
No.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. So it's about acknowledging the reality of the situation, even if it feels unfair. Accepting that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It does. It's like this deep primal thing. Deep down. Totally.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yep. This stinks.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But I can't control how other people act.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that acceptance is what creates space for the let me part of the equation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Which is all about reclaiming your power.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
By focusing on what you can control your own actions, your own choices.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm starting to see how this could be a game changer.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Instead of dwelling on the unfairness and getting stuck in that loop of resentment, we shift our focus to, okay, what can I do about this situation?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. Precisely. And that let me action will look different depending on the situation. For example, let's say you're dealing with a coworker who constantly takes credit for your ideas.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah. The worst.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We are.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But then the empower.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, good one.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's not about stewing in resentment or plotting revenge.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about taking strategic steps to protect yourself and your work.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. That's right. You're shifting from feeling helpless... Ugh, I hate that feeling. ...to taking ownership of your situation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or... Let's say you have a friend.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Who consistently underpays their share.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
When you go out.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them. Could be.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them continue to underpay. But then let me becomes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me suggest we split the bill proportionally next time.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or let me choose to opt out of activities that put a strain on my budget.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about setting boundaries and advocating for yourself. Yes. Which can feel so tricky in friendships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. It can.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But this framework gives you a tangible way. It does. To approach those conversations.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. Yeah. And it can be applied to family situations too.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let's say you have family members who never seem to appreciate your efforts.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them. Could be let them continue to overlook my contributions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But then let me becomes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me set boundaries around how much time and energy I'm willing to give.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or let me choose to spend my holidays with people who do make me feel appreciated.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This is so helpful.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's giving me a new way to look at those frustrating dynamics that could pop up in families.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know, we actually had a listener write in with an amazing example of this in action.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
She was feeling incredibly resentful towards her sister.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because they were sharing the responsibility of caring for their aging parents.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But the burden felt very unequal.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is. So hard. Such a common situation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it can be incredibly challenging.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
To navigate those family dynamics.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
What did she do?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So she finally had a heart to heart with her sister.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The big question.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And she used the let them plus let me approach.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
She said.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let you continue to contribute at your current level of involvement. But let me step back until we can figure out a more equitable division of responsibilities.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is powerful.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We got to figure this out. We'll be exploring a powerful framework.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Tell me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Really?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I bet.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so good to hear.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It can.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It really can.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about empowering yourself to create a situation that feels more aligned with your values and needs.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This is all making so much sense.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's really about taking that feeling of powerlessness and flipping the script.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But I'm wondering, How can we start to identify those areas in our lives?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Where we might be tolerating unfairness without even realizing it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I know, right? Let's do it. Called let them plus let me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
An equity audit.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I like it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Tell me more.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about bringing those subtle imbalances to the surface. Yeah. The things we might have gotten used to. Yeah. Or even normalized.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That are good for us.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Ooh, that's a tough one.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That can help us reclaim our power and move forward.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's the question.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue. Well, once you've pinpointed a few key areas, the next question to ask yourself is, what can I control in this situation? Remember, we're not trying to change other people. We're focusing on recognizing our own agency and identifying the areas where we do have power.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
If I'm feeling resentful that my partner never helps with the dishes, I can't magically make them into a dishwashing enthusiast overnight.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
No. You got it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But you can control how you respond to that situation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
One thing that's often overlooked is that... What's that? Everyone experiences feelings of unfairness at some point.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Maybe you decide to have an open and honest conversation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
About creating a more equitable division of household chores.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or maybe you choose. to invest in a dishwasher to make the task less daunting for both of you.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about moving from complaining or blaming to brainstorming solutions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It feels so much more empowering.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And to help you really put this into practice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We have another exercise for you.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I know.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Called Resentment to Action.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This one is all about putting that let them plus let me framework into action. I love it. Resentment to Action. Yes. I'm intrigued.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
How does it work?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So, for example, I might write down, I'm resentful because my colleague keeps getting praised for work that I'm heavily involved in, but my contributions are being overlooked.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's a universal experience.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so I'm acknowledging that I can't control my colleague's behavior.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Whether it's happening at work.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But just saying that out loud feels surprisingly liberating. It is. Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
In our friendships and families.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wow. Just hearing you say that, I can feel that energy shift.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
From frustration to action.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's the magic of this framework.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It allows you to reclaim your agency and focus on what you can do.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or even just observing events in the world around us.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And, you know, sometimes that action can be really bold.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I remember this one listener who's feeling incredibly undervalued and underpaid at her job. She tolerated it for years, but the resentment was eating away at her.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP2 | Life Isn’t Fair – And That’s Okay | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Finally, she'd had enough.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey, everybody, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. It's season two.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about finding those moments of alignment in our everyday lives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So as we wrap up this conversation, I want to encourage our listeners to reflect on their own journeys. What are those small everyday practices that bring you joy and connect you to your true self?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This has been such an inspiring conversation. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights with us today.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And remember, everyone, if you're looking for more resources and support on your journey of self-discovery, be sure to visit our website, themessypodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And be sure to connect with us on social media. We love hearing your thoughts and stories.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because sometimes the right decision feels like the wrong one until it sets you free.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that's where the real magic happens. It sounds like Mel found a way to weave her personal growth into her baking. It's a beautiful reminder that our passions can be powerful catalysts for transformation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it brings up such an interesting question. What is actually happening in our brains when we feel that tug of war between what we want and what everyone else expects? What's the science behind all of this?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And sometimes those passions lead us down unexpected paths, like from lawyer to artisan baker. It's a good reminder to stay open to possibilities, even if they seem unconventional.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So for those listening who might be feeling lost or uncertain about their own path, what advice would you give them?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I think that's such an important point. We live in a culture that often glorifies instant gratification and quick fixes, but personal growth is a journey that unfolds over time.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And remember, you don't have to do it alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, therapists or mentors. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your journey.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. And as you navigate this journey, remember to celebrate those small victories along the way. Yes. Acknowledge your progress, no matter how small it may seem. Every step you take towards your authentic self is worth celebrating.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be right back after this quick break. All right, we're back. Let's continue. And as you continue on this path, remember to be kind to yourself. Self-compassion is essential, especially when faced with challenges or setbacks.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This has been such an empowering conversation. I feel like we've covered so much ground today, from understanding the neuroscience behind people-pleasing to exploring practical tools for reclaiming our agency.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And if you're looking for more resources and support, be sure to visit our website at themessypodcast.com. You'll find a wealth of information, exercises, and inspiration to guide you along the way. We've got a whole library of books on these topics, journaling, prompts, guided meditations, you name it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So until next time, keep listening to your intuition, honoring your authentic self, and choosing yourself, even when it feels wrong.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll see you next week for another deep dive into relationships, comparisons and growth. We'll see you next week. It's interesting, though, right, how she found that connection with sourdough.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. Like nurturing the starter.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it wasn't just about quitting her job. It was about finding something that really lit her up.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So what about our listeners who are maybe feeling a little lost right now?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's so easy to get caught up in wanting those quick fixes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And you don't have to do it alone. Remember to reach out to people you trust.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And celebrate those small wins. Every step, no matter how tiny, is a step in the right direction.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And be kind to yourself, okay? That inner critic can be brutal.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This has been such an awesome conversation. I feel like I've learned so much.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And for anyone listening who wants to keep exploring these ideas, head over to our website, themessypodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, I know that feeling.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All the books we mentioned, journaling prompts, guided meditations, you name it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. We love hearing from you guys.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even when it feels wrong.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Until it sets you free.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
See you next week for another deep dive into relationships, comparisons, and growth.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like our brains are hardwired to avoid those uncomfortable feelings, even if it means staying stuck in a situation that's not good for us. Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I know, right? Time flies. This season we're calling Relationships, Comparisons, and Growth. I like it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
What's the prefrontal cortex again?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So you're saying that people pleasing can literally make it harder to think straight.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh my gosh, yes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A million times yes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That is mind blowing. It's like we're conditioned to put everyone else first even if it means sacrificing our own well-being.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And today we're going to do a deep dive into why making the right decision can often feel like the absolute wrong thing to do. especially when it comes to those big choices like our jobs or our relationships. Have you ever had that feeling where you know you should make a change, but then you just freeze up because you're so worried about what everyone else will think?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I can relate to that feeling.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, that's awful. But it's like a cautionary tale about what can happen when we ignore those gut instincts.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, so how do we actually do that? Because honestly, the guilt and the fear of letting people down, it can be totally paralyzing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, I'm intrigued. Tell me more.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This sounds so liberating, but also terrifying.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, that makes sense. So we let them have their feelings. Now what? What's the next step?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me go for it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, so instead of saying, I'm so sorry, but I have to, we could say something like.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's like finally giving ourselves permission to put ourselves first.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Totally. Like we're supposed to be the peacekeepers.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, wow. That's amazing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so inspiring. It's like a reminder that it's never too late to change direction and create a life that truly aligns with our values.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, so how can our listeners start applying this let them power move framework in their own lives? What are some practical steps they can take?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like becoming more aware of that inner compass, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But what if that inner voice is super quiet? How do we even recognize our intuition in the first place?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so it's about paying attention to those subtle cues. But what if we're still struggling with overthinking? I know I have a tendency to analyze every decision to death.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Of course, who hasn't?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, me too. So today we're going to talk about that, like the whole intuition versus people pleasing thing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, I like that. It's like interrupting that overthinking loop before it can even start.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. Okay, that's brilliant. Are there any other tools that can help us navigate these tricky decisions? Like I'm thinking about those situations where we might be staying in a job or a relationship, not because it's good for us, but because we're afraid of what people will think.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A rescue audit.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I think that's so important because it's easy to get caught up in the idea of being helpful or accommodating. But sometimes we're actually enabling unhealthy dynamics. We're just staying in situations that aren't serving us at all.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And all that self-doubt that creeps in.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And we're going to unpack the neuroscience behind all of that. It's actually pretty fascinating how our brains are wired to like avoid rocking the boat, even when that boat is like totally sinking. Okay. So to kick things off.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes me think of that saying, you can't pour from an empty cup. It's a good reminder that self-care isn't selfish, it's essential.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wow, that's powerful.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So how do we start reclaiming that sense of self and start trusting that inner voice?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like anything else, right? It takes practice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's reassuring.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And as we embrace this whole process of self-discovery, how can we cultivate a more supportive internal dialogue? Because I think a lot of us struggle with that inner critic that tells us we're not good enough or brave enough or whatever it is.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's the worst.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's a great reminder. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But when we can offer ourselves that same level of grace and understanding that we extend to others, it creates so much space for healing and growth.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I want to tell you a story about someone we're going to call Mel.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that trust allows us to make decisions that are aligned with our true selves even when they feel scary or unconventional.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like we're giving ourselves permission to dream bigger.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So for our listeners who are just starting out on this journey of tuning into their intuition and honoring their authentic selves, what advice would you give them?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So Mel has what everyone considers this like dream job. She's a lawyer making bank, super stable. But on the inside, she's miserable.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And remember, it's okay to feel a little uncomfortable.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Growth often happens outside of our comfort zones.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And don't be afraid to reach out for support. Talk to a trusted friend, a therapist or a coach. Surrounding yourself with people who believe in you and your journey can make all the difference.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This has been such an insightful conversation. I feel so inspired to keep exploring these concepts and practicing these tools. What about you?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And speaking of diving deep, I'm curious to hear more about Mel's story. We left off with her quitting her law career, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
They release the guilt and the need for approval, but then they don't actually take action.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Which were?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Baking. Can you believe it? She went from high powered lawyer to artisan baker.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Well, at first they were totally bewildered. They couldn't understand why she'd walk away from such a prestigious career. They used all the classic lines. You're so talented, you're throwing away your potential. What about your student loans?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like she just feels this constant pull towards something else, something more fulfilling.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The whole nine yards.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
She did. She had this newfound clarity and determination.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's so inspiring to see someone step so firmly into their own truth, even when faced with resistance from loved ones.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's what I love about stories like Mel's. They remind us that it's never too late to change course and create a life that feels truly aligned.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. So for our listeners who might be feeling stuck or uncertain, what advice would you give them?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A quick break for our sponsor, and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. And guess what? Mel actually quits. She walks away from this so-called dream job.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And don't be afraid to ask for support. Talking to trusted friends, family members, therapists, or coaches can provide valuable guidance and encouragement.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So embrace the messiness and celebrate the journey. And remember, the most unexpected paths often lead to the most extraordinary destinations.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm dying to know. Did she specialize in any particular type of pastry?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Sourdough?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so unexpected. I would guess something more elaborate like fancy pastries or cakes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes so much sense. It's like that slow, deliberate process of nurturing the sourdough starter was a metaphor for her own personal growth.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it wasn't just about quitting her job and opening a bakery. It was about finding a craft that resonated with her soul and allowed her to express her creativity in a way that felt authentic.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I think that's such an important point. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that we need to make these grand gestures or completely overhaul our lives in order to be happy. But sometimes it's the simple things like baking bread or taking a walk in nature that nourish our souls and remind us of who we truly are.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S2 EP1 | Why the Right Decision Feels Wrong | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even though everyone around her is like, are you crazy? This is a huge mistake. Her family's worried. Her friends think she's nuts.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey everybody and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. We are in the middle of Season 1, Foundations of the Let Them Theory, and today we're tackling something I know all of you out there have encountered.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But it also made me think, are some people just more prone to this than others?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Visualization. How does that work in this context?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, I'm picturing it now.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's like creating a mental movie of how we want to respond. Yes. Rather than reacting impulsively.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's like we're creating an energetic force field of peace.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So by visualizing ourselves staying calm, we're actually training our nervous system to respond in that way.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so cool. It's like we're rewiring our brains for resilience.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I've heard of tapping. It's like acupressure for emotions, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And this helps to calm the nervous system.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's like a shortcut to emotional regulation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's like we're giving ourselves an emotional tune-up.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's not just about reacting to other people's behavior. Right. It's about taking charge of our own inner state.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that's a pretty awesome goal, wouldn't you say?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So we've talked about mindfulness, visualization and tapping as tools for regulating our nervous systems. What are some other things we can do to build emotional resilience?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Self-care, it's not just about bubble baths and face masks, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So what are some examples of self-care practices that can boost our emotional resilience?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, I definitely turn into a grubby monster when I don't get enough sleep.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So ditch the sugar and processed foods. Right. And load up on fruits, veggies, and lean protein.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even just a brisk walk or a few yoga stretches can make a difference, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I like that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah. Nature's like an instant reset button for the soul.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So get outside, soak up some sunshine and let Mother Nature work her magic.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yes. Having a supportive network of friends and family is so crucial for our emotional well-being.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So make time for those coffee dates, phone calls, and game nights.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be right back after this quick break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue. Therapy can be such a valuable tool for unpacking emotional baggage, developing coping mechanisms, and building resilience.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So going back to Mel's CEO, is it possible that some folks are just wired for more dramatic outbursts?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So if you're feeling overwhelmed or struggling to cope, please don't hesitate to reach out to a therapist or counselor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's like we're creating a web of well-being that extends far beyond ourselves.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that has a positive impact on our relationships, our communities and even the world at large.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know, as we wrap up this part of our deep dive into let them theory, I'm struck by how much this goes beyond just managing difficult people. It's really about taking ownership of our own emotional well-being and creating a more peaceful and fulfilling life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It really is empowering, isn't it, to realize that we're not just at the mercy of other people's moods and outbursts.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That it's not necessarily a reflection of the situation itself.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it's not just about individual well-being either, right? There's a ripple effect when we start practicing let them theory.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You're modeling a whole new way of being, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But more about their internal wiring.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that can be incredibly contagious, especially for kids who are still learning how to regulate their own emotions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So when we model healthy emotional boundaries and communication skills, we're giving them a powerful blueprint for navigating their own relationships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like we're creating a ripple effect of positivity that extends far beyond our immediate circle.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, I'm intrigued. Tell me more about this energy thing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like we're adding fuel to the fire.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that higher frequency attracts more peace, joy, and harmony into our lives and into the world around us.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's like we're becoming, you know, walking, talking beacons of peace just by choosing to respond differently.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Who knows, maybe we can even start to tip the scales towards a more peaceful and harmonious world just by making different choices in our own lives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is. And it all starts with each of us making the conscious choice to let them be their messy selves while we shine our own unique light.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yes. Let's radiate peace, spread kindness, and inspire others to do the same.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Well said. And that brings us to the end of our deep dive into Episode 7. When adults throw tantrums, remember, you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. Choose peace, choose yourself, and choose to let them be.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And for those of you who want to explore this further, head over to TheMessyPodcast.com. You'll find a treasure trove of resources there, including a complete list of all the books we've mentioned, bonus episodes, guided meditations, and so much more.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And of course, we'd love to hear from you. Share your let them wins, your questions, your insights. We're all in this messy, beautiful journey together.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And remember, your calm is your superpower.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's a great point. And it ties in perfectly with the let them theory. It's not about excusing bad behavior.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But understanding that those outbursts often stem from internal struggles, not from a deliberate intention to harm.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right. Let's unpack that detach and redirect framework a bit more. We touched upon it in previous episodes, but it's the heart of dealing with adult tantrums.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like acknowledging they have the right to their feelings, even if those feelings are, well, messy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But doesn't mean we have to get swept up in their mess.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. So what are some concrete steps you can take in those moments? Imagine you're right there face to face with a full blown adult tantrum. What's your let me move?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Adult tantrums.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's almost like giving yourself a mini timeout from the chaos.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Think screening coworkers, door slamming partners or the dreaded silent treatment. Oh. Buckle up for episode seven when adults throw tantrums managing emotional outbursts with grace.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes a lot of sense. But what about when you can't physically remove yourself? Let's say you're stuck in a meeting with a tantruming CEO.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or you live with someone prone to these outbursts. What's your let me strategy then?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, I like that. It's something you could do discreetly anywhere, anytime.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But once you've detached and calmed yourself down, how do you actually engage with the person who's having the tantrum?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Are there any magic phrases you can use to diffuse the situation?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Those are great. They acknowledge the other person's feelings without getting sucked into the drama or agreeing with their behavior.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes a lot of sense. It's like saying, we can work this out, but not like this, not right now.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, so we've got the detached part down. Now let's dig into the redirect piece of the puzzle. How do we actually steer these situations toward a more constructive path?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let's start with the workplace. Imagine you have a micromanaging boss who constantly panics over deadlines.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
How would you apply let them in that situation?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about setting clear boundaries and expectations while acknowledging their feelings.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Now let's shift gears to relationships. Let's say your partner gives you the silent treatment after an argument. How do you navigate that with let them?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So resisting the urge to force a conversation is actually part of the strategy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But what about the let me part? It can feel really lonely when someone shuts down like that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, that makes sense. It's about taking care of yourself emotionally so you're better equipped to handle the situation when they're ready to talk.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Now let's tackle a potentially trickier one. Family dynamics. Imagine a parent who constantly guilt trips you about your life choices. How do you handle that with let them?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Easier said than done, right? Especially when it's someone you love and whose opinion you value.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. So before we dive into the how of handling these outbursts, let's go deeper into the why. This episode's source material, especially the work of Dr. Aditi Narurkar, points to this thing called amygdala hijack.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about communicating your limits and refusing to engage in a conversation that's disrespectful or unproductive. It's about choosing self-respect over the need to please or win their approval.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm loving these practical examples, but I have to be honest, in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to remember all the nuances of detach and redirect. Is there a cheat sheet we can use to navigate those tricky tantrum moments?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Tantrum triage. Yes. I like it. It sounds official and actionable. Yes. So what are the steps?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Got it. Pause, breathe, observe. Don't let our own inner security chief take over. What's next?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so it's about acknowledging the feeling, but not necessarily giving in to the demands that might come with it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about steering the conversation toward a more constructive path, even if that conversation happens later when everyone's a bit calmer.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, so we've got pause, acknowledge, redirect. Simple, actionable, and something we can all remember in those tense moments. But does this stuff actually work in the real world? I mean, it sounds great in theory, but I'm always skeptical of anything that claims to be a quick fix for complex human interactions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I do have to say I'm loving the testimonials we've been getting from listeners. It seems like a lot of people are finding real value in applying these principles to their own lives. For example, one listener shared, I used let them when my roommate blew up over dishes. Now I clean my own and let her stew. Peace restored.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Can you break that down for us?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. And this speaks to the empowering message at the heart of the let them theory. You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. You get to choose.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's such a refreshing perspective. We don't have to get swept up in other people's emotional storms. We have the power to choose how we respond. And sometimes the most powerful response is to simply detach and redirect.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, we've covered a lot of ground in this first part of our deep dive. We've explored the science behind adult tantrums, unpacked the detach and redirect framework, and started to look at how to apply let them theory in specific scenarios. But before we move on to even more real world examples and strategies, I want to leave you with a key takeaway.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's such a powerful way to frame it. It reminds us that we have a choice in how we respond to those emotional hurricanes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Now, I know some listeners might be thinking, OK, all this let them stuff sounds great for like minor disagreements. But what about when you're dealing with truly toxic or abusive behavior?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. It's not about staying in a situation that's harmful or dangerous.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. But even within those situations.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I think let them theory can offer some valuable insights.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Well, it can help us understand that even abusers are often driven by their own unmet needs and emotional wounds.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's not about excusing their behavior, but it can help us detach from their negativity and avoid getting sucked into their vortex of pain.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. It helps us maintain our boundaries and avoid getting entangled in their drama.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. It's about reclaiming our own power and focusing on our own healing and growth, even in the midst of a toxic situation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Well, I imagine it can lead to resentment, burnout, and even damage our relationships.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So let them theory isn't just about navigating individual interactions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about creating a healthier emotional ecosystem for ourselves in the long run.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, so we've talked about detaching and redirecting in specific scenarios like the workplace, relationships and family dynamics. But let's zoom out a bit and talk about how this applies to the broader social landscape. We're living in a time where outrage and divisions seem to be everywhere. It's like the whole world is having a collective tantrum.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like everyone's amygdala is on high alert and rational discourse has gone out the window.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, so it's like our brains are short circuiting. Yeah. Making rational thought nearly impossible. But here's something I found interesting in the source material. Mel's story about a CEO who actually punched a wall during a meeting.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So instead of getting caught up in the outrage cycle and feeling like we have to engage in every argument, we can choose to detach and redirect.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that's where real change happens, right? Not through shouting matches and insults, but through empathy, listening, and a willingness to see things from multiple perspectives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's about recognizing that we have a choice in how we respond to the chaos around us. We can either add fuel to the fire or choose to be a source of calm and reason.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
What do you mean by that?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's a subtle but powerful shift. It takes the focus off the other person, puts it back on ourselves.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right. We're back. Let's continue. It's like we're reclaiming our own agency and saying, I'm not a victim of your emotions. I'm the captain of my own ship.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Now, let's get practical for a moment. And we've talked a lot about the theory and the benefits. But what are some tangible tools and techniques that can help us put let them theory into action?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm all ears. What else can we add to our let them arsenal?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah. Meditation is such a powerful tool for cultivating inner peace and emotional resilience.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like a textbook amygdala hijack.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like hitting the reset button on our nervous system.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP7 | When Adults Throw Tantrums | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like we're building a muscle of inner peace that we can tap into whenever we need it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Ever feel like you're constantly helping someone, but it leaves you just drained?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
At the same time.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wow.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's not just emotionally draining. It's physically stressful, too.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I never thought about it like that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Mirror neuron burnout.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I see.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, no, thanks.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Essentially, yes, we're wired for empathy, but there's a limit.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. And when we hit that limit, we become less able to connect with other people's emotions.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even when they genuinely need our support.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So what's the solution? How do we break free from this cycle of rescuing without becoming like heartless robots?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them almost sounds like a hands-off approach.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Doesn't that seem cold, especially when dealing with someone you love?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So offering resources instead of rescuing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like giving someone a job lead is better than just giving them money.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Loving difficult people.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That does seem counterintuitive.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The whole helper's high being a trap, I'm realizing I've fallen into that myself. Have you ever experienced that?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Really?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The rescue audit.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, they provide these really pointed questions like, am I trying to control the situation?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or am I afraid of what might happen if I don't step in?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. Those are tough questions to answer, honestly.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
From the rescuing cycle. Okay, so once you recognize the unhealthy patterns, you can start setting those all-important boundaries.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Speaking of boundaries, the episode provides some really practical scripts for those tough conversations. Like, I love you, but I can't solve this for you. Or, I'll listen for 15 minutes, then let's brainstorm solutions together.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like you're pouring from an empty cup. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. We're diving deep into Episode six.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And sometimes just seeing those boundaries in action could be incredibly impactful.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
They talk about this listener who finally stopped paying her brother's rent.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It was a tough decision. But guess what?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Within two months, he found a job. It's a striking example of how stepping back can actually create the space for positive change.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. This episode really hit me hard because It uses this story of Mel and Janine.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it highlights a core principle of the let them theory.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let go of control.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Which brings us to the most surprising part. Janine's reaction wasn't at all what you'd expect.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Or resentful. Right after all, Mel had been her safety net for so long.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But in this behind the scenes clip, Janine actually thanks Mel.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
She says that when Mel started setting boundaries, it forced her to figure things out on her own.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
She had to sink or swim.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But when that crutch was gone, she was forced to stand on her own two feet.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's that whole teach a man to fish idea, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Instead of just handing out the fish, you're empowering someone to feed themselves.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's funny how sometimes the thing we think is helping is actually holding someone back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Mel is constantly rescuing Janine from one crisis after another.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it's not easy to let go of that control.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Especially when it comes to the people we love.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We worry about them. We want to shield them from discomfort.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But true love isn't about shielding people from discomfort.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about believing in their ability to handle it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That shift in mindset can be so powerful, both for the rescuer and the rescued.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The rescuer gets to reclaim their time and energy.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And the rescue gets to discover their own strength and resourcefulness.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
To the point where she even misses her own son's graduation to help Janine move.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Sound familiar to anyone out there?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue. It is a win-win, and the episode offers some really practical tools to help us make that shift. They talk about this two-step method called shift and support.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So step one is all about changing our language.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Instead of saying, I'll fix it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We start asking, how can I support your next step?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. It takes the focus off of rescuing and puts it on empowering the other person.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So the episode dives into this concept called the dopamine trap.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And step two is about offering resources, not rescues.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So instead of giving someone money when they're struggling financially, you might help them create a budget or connect them with job training programs.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. It's about providing tools and guidance rather than trying to solve the problem for them.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This episode is packed with so much practical advice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it's really made me think about how I can apply these principles in my own life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because let's face it, we all have those Janines in our lives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And by doing so, we might actually be giving them the greatest gift of all.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The gift of self-discovery. Yeah, it's interesting how we often think we're being helpful, but we might actually be enabling those negative patterns.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Can you tell me more about that?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's such a powerful statement. It really makes you question your motives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about trusting in their ability to navigate those choppy waters.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because smooth seas don't make skillful sailors, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about shifting from that I need to protect you mindset.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
To a I believe in your ability to handle this approach.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like you're saying I'm not going to solve your problems for you.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But I'm here to support you every step of the way.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be right back after this quick break. All right. We're back. Let's continue.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's not always easy, but it's ultimately the most loving and supportive approach we can take.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And this episode has given us so much to think about. I'm excited to start putting these ideas into practice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But I think the key is to remember that we are all works in progress.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that it's okay to ask for help and support when we need it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And don't forget to check out the Messy Podcast website.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
They have tons of great resources, including bonus content for this episode, links to all the books they've covered and ways to support their amazing work.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That feel-good chemical.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Until then, remember to be kind to yourselves, be kind to others, and keep those boundaries strong.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for joining us on this deep dive, and we'll see you next time.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So you're saying I might be getting a helper's high.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But it's actually messing with my brain chemistry.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP6 | Loving Difficult People | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. That's kind of scary.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey, everybody, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. Our first season, Foundations of the Let Them Theory, has been a wild ride so far.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This deep dive has been, wow, so insightful. And honestly, it's already shifting my perspective.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm starting to see how holding onto the need for approval from others could be so draining. It's like I've been carrying around this invisible weight.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And now I'm realizing I can put it down.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So to recap, the key takeaway here, you can't control what others think, but you can control how you respond to those thoughts.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You can choose to let go of the need for approval and embrace that freedom that comes with owning your voice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And in our next episode, we're going to be diving into another fascinating aspect of this theory, how to love difficult people without losing yourself.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's a topic that I think will resonate with a lot of our listeners.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, we do.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I can't wait to dive into that. But for now, if you're eager to learn more about the Let Them Theory and all the resources we've mentioned today, be sure to visit themessypodcast.com. You'll find show notes, bonus content, and links to all the books we've covered, including Let Them Theory, Owning Your Voice and Releasing Judgment.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. So the creator, Mel, she was facing this mountain of debt, $800,000. Wow. To be exact. And she needed to promote her business.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yes, spreading the word is the best way to support our work. And as always, we appreciate you joining us on this journey of embracing the messy, the real, and the beautiful imperfect.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But guess what?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Frozen by the fear of judgment.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The draft-delete spiral? I like that. What's that?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So relatable. I think we've all been in that spiral.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And the source material points out something really interesting.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even our loved ones, even our loved ones judge us.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's just part of being human. It's not always malicious.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But it's happening all the time.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So if judgment is inevitable, even from people closest to us, how do we break free?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's where let them think bad thoughts about you comes in. It's so good. This concept.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And today we're diving deep, deep into episode five.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's a powerful distinction. So it's not about ignoring criticism altogether, but more about recognizing that we have a choice in how we respond.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I like that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them let me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them think bad thoughts about you.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It seems like a way to kind of disentangle yourself from that web of external validation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And tap into something more internal.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A confidence that comes from within.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But how do we actually how do we bridge that gap between the mental shift and the action?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because the source material mentions this blurt and post challenge.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Sounds terrifying.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But also incredibly liberating.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Tell me more about that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I am so excited to unpack this with you.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about silencing those inner critics. Yes. Letting your authentic self shine through.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It reminds me of something I read recently about the power of vulnerability.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know, by allowing ourselves to be seen imperfections and all.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We create a space for genuine connection and ultimately greater creativity.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, tell me.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wow.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because let's be honest, we've all been there.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, no.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
What happened? Did she let the fear win?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Good for her.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
They did.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's amazing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about recognizing that the only way to truly silence those self-doubts is to take action, even if it feels scary at first.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know, that moment when you're about to share something online.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And the source material offers a practical exercise to help us put this into practice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. Something about an opinion detox.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So tell me tell me more about that. What is that?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A piece of writing, a photo.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, walk me through this. How does this work?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah, that's a big one for me. I always worry that people will think it's not good enough or that I'm just not a good writer.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them think my writing is bad.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even just a comment and then bam, the fear hits.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let me share it anyway. Wow, that feels it feels liberating.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
What will people think?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Will they judge me? The worst. It can be paralyzing.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, I've got one public speaking. I absolutely dread it. My biggest fear, people will think I'm boring. They'll start checking their phones or even worse, walk out in the middle of my presentation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay. Okay. Let them think I'm boring. Let me deliver the presentation anyway.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's a little scary saying it out loud. Yeah. But I can already feel a shift.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, that'd be nice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay. All right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay. This one's a bit silly, but I always, I always overthink my social media posts.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm terrified of like appearing like I'm trying too hard to be cool or funny. It's this constant battle.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wanting to share my life, then worrying what people think.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let them think I'm a tryhard. Let me post that picture anyway. Saying these things out loud really does help.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Great. I'm taking back control.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that analogy. It's like clearing out the clutter.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
To create a more peaceful and inviting space. That's it. But what about situations beyond social media, like in the workplace? How can this let the mindset help us navigate those tricky situations?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about trusting my own intuition and allowing my voice to be heard.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even if it means risking rejection or criticism.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I can see how this could lead to more opportunities for growth and innovation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about developing a filter.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Learning to identify the feedback that's genuinely valuable.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And letting go of the rest.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Uh-huh.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like developing a radar for authenticity. Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, it can.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, I see.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. My approach. That's such a great point. Separating the message from the messenger.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Even if the delivery is less than ideal, there might be a nugget of wisdom hidden there.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Reminds me of that saying, kill your darlings. Sometimes we have to let go of ideas or approaches that aren't serving us.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
A quick break for our sponsor, and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
How so?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, how?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wow. That really hits home. It does, right? It is.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about choosing courage over comfort.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Action over inaction. Yes. Authenticity over approval.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about owning our voices, even if they tremble a little at first.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's almost like our brains haven't quite caught up with the times, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, that's exciting.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. It's about identifying one thing, one thing you've been putting off because of fear. Yes. And challenging yourself to embrace that. Let the mindset.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And take action this week.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. You know, it's like learning a new language. It's awkward and unfamiliar at first. Yes. But with practice, it gets more natural.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Because we're living in this hyper-connected world, opinions flying everywhere.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah. Right. Instead of beating yourself up, view them as opportunities.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. What can I learn from this experience? How can I adjust moving forward?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Uh-huh.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like creating a space where your own inner voice can drown out the noise.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Of those external critics.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's so encouraging.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's overwhelming.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's why the Let Them Theory really caught my eye.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It is. It is. Yeah. It's about learning to filter our mental inboxes.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Recognizing the senders who consistently offer value.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And those whose messages are more spam than substance.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's recognizing that sometimes letting go is the best way to make space for something even better.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It seems to offer this path to navigate this pressure to please everyone.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
To emerge.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And as you embark on this journey of owning your voice and releasing the fear of judgment, be patient with yourself, celebrate your wins, learn from the setback, trust that you have everything you need to create a life that is meaningful and fulfilling.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be right back after this quick break. All right. We're back. Let's continue.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And what's really interesting is that this whole theory, it was born from a very personal struggle.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP5 | Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, that's a good one. That's such a powerful question. It really gets to the heart of this whole philosophy. You know, this idea that fear, especially the fear of judgment, it can really hold us back from living a truly authentic and fulfilling life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
hey everybody and welcome back to the messy podcast if you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff you can sign up to be a premium member on apple podcasts or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com we're in the thick of season one foundations of the let them theory and today's deep dive is all about the neuroscience of stress it's episode four and we're going to explore why our brains might be working against us when it comes to handling those everyday pressures
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This is all making so much sense, but I know some of our listeners might be thinking, this all sounds great in theory, but does it actually work in real life?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Do you have any examples you could share?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That sounds incredibly stressful. It's amazing how much damage a toxic work environment can do to our self-esteem.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So she basically decided to let them have their toxicity while she focused on creating a better future for herself.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That is so inspiring. It shows that even in the most challenging situations, we have the power to choose how we respond.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's all about shifting from a mindset of scarcity and fear to a mindset of abundance and possibility. That's a pretty exciting prospect.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And remember, it's a practice. It might feel a little awkward at first, but the more you use it, the more natural it will become.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hold on. So it's like our thinking brain gets taken hostage by our panic brain. No wonder we make impulsive decisions or say things we regret when we're stressed.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This has been such an insightful conversation. I'm already feeling more empowered to manage my own stress levels.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We've covered a lot of ground today, but we're not done yet. There's so much more to explore when it comes to the let them theory. And I want to remind everyone that we have some amazing bonus content waiting for you over at themessypodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. It's this incredible concept called neuroplasticity, which basically means that our brains can change and adapt throughout our lives.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. It's never too late to start creating new neural pathways to build resilience and create a more peaceful inner world. And the Let Them Theory gives us the tools to do just that. I love that. It's so empowering to know that we have more control over our stress response than we might think. And it's not just about feeling better. It's about performing better, too.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
When we're constantly stressed, our cognitive function takes a hit.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like giving our brains a much needed vacation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Whether it's excelling at work, nurturing your relationships, or simply having the energy to pursue your passions, managing stress is the key to unlocking a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like that five-minute brain reset we talked about. So easy. So effective.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be right back after this quick break. All right, we're back. Let's continue.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's right. We have a whole community of listeners who are on this journey with you. And we've got some amazing bonus resources to support you over at TheMessyPodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And if you're loving the show, please leave us a review and tell your friends.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So until next time, keep practicing those brain resets. Remember to let them stress, let you thrive.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be back next week with another deep dive into the let them theory. But in the meantime, remember, you have the power to choose how you respond to stress. It's not easy, but it's so worth it. And don't forget to visit TheMessyPodcast.com to support our work and find a list of all the awesome books we've covered on the show.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll catch you next time on the Messy Podcast.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know what's really fascinating to me? It's how much our understanding of the brain has evolved over the years. We used to think that our brains were pretty much fixed at a certain age. But now we know that's not true at all.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So even if we've been stuck in this chronic stress cycle for years, we're not doomed. We can actually rewire our brains to respond to stress differently.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that. It's so empowering to know that we have more control over our stress response than we might think. And it's not just about feeling better. It's about performing better, too. When we're constantly stressed, our cognitive function takes a hit.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So we're not just feeling addressed. Our brains are literally going haywire.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like giving our brains a much needed vacation.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Whether it's excelling at work, nurturing your relationships, or simply having the energy to pursue your passions, managing stress is the key to unlocking a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Like that five-minute brain reset we talked about. So easy, so effective.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That's right. We have a whole community of listeners who are on this journey with you. And we've got some amazing bonus resources to support you over at TheMessyPodcast.com.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And if you're loving the show, please leave us a review and tell your friends.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So until next time, keep practicing those brain resets. Remember to let them stress, let you thrive.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll be back next week with another deep dive into the let them theory. But in the meantime, remember you have a power to choose how you respond to stress. It's not easy, but it's so worth it. And don't forget to visit themessypodcast.com to support our work and find a list of all the awesome books we've covered on the show.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
We'll catch you next time on The Messy Podcast.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love that analogy. OK, to illustrate this, I want to share a story about my friend Mel. Let's just say she had a bit of an over-the-top reaction to someone coughing on a plane. It involved a lot of hand sanitizer and some very intense stares.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Picture this packed plane. Everyone's crammed in and this person starts coughing, not even a hacking cough, just a little throat clearing. But for Mel, it was like a biohazard alarm went off in her head. She immediately went into full on germ warfare mode.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. It was like a switch flipped in her brain. And afterwards, when we talked about it, she admitted that her reaction was completely over the top. She even joked that her amygdala had staged a coup d'etat.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. So it's not about eliminating stress altogether, because let's face it, that's impossible, but about becoming more resilient and adaptable to those everyday stressors.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
You know that feeling of being constantly on edge, like you're just surviving, not thriving.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Speaking of ups and downs, I think it's fair to say that modern life is a bit of a stress factory, right? It's like we're constantly bombarded with information and demands.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
7 out of 10. It's no wonder we're all feeling a bit frazzled.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's like our bodies are constantly in fight or flight mode.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, this is starting to paint a pretty grim picture. So if our brains are wired to stress out and modern life is a constant trigger, is there even anything we can do about it?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, I'm all ears. What is the let them theory?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So instead of getting all worked up about a delayed flight or a frustrating coworker, I just let it be.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so let's paint a picture for our listeners. Imagine you're at the airport. Flights are delayed. Babies are crying. The security line looks like it stretches to the next time zone. You feel that familiar knot of tension in your chest. Your heart's racing. You might even snap at the person trying to cut you in line.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's like telling that panicked monkey to take a chill pill.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm intrigued. Tell me more about this let me step.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Wait, just breathing? How can that possibly help?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, what's the vagus nerve? And why should I care about it?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's like hitting the brakes on our stress response.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, this is starting to sound pretty practical. But how do we actually apply the let them and let me steps in real life situations?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about giving yourself permission to step back and take care of your own well-being, even in the midst of chaos.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes a lot of sense. But sometimes it feels like stress just sneaks up on us. Is there a way to use the let them theory, even when we're already feeling overwhelmed?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, I'm all for quick and easy solutions. Walk me through it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So we're basically calling out the stress monster.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Simple but powerful. All right. What's the final step?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So if I'm stuck in traffic and started to feel road rage bubbling up, I could say, let them tailgate. Let me put on my favorite playlist and enjoy the scenery.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, I'm starting to see how this works. It's about shifting our focus from what's stressing us out to what we can do to feel more grounded and in control. So we're not just passively accepting stress. We're actively choosing how to respond to it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. This is making me think about a listener who shared an incredible story about using the let them theory to navigate a really tough situation at work. She was dealing with the classic micromanaging boss, you know, the type always hovering, second guessing every decision.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. Well, this listener had tried everything to manage the situation, talking to HR, setting boundaries, even trying to reason with the boss. But nothing seemed to work. She was burnt out and starting to doubt her own abilities.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. But then she discovered the let them theory and had a major aha moment. She realized she couldn't change her boss, but she could change how she reacted to the situation. So she started using the let them let me scripts.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It was pretty amazing. When her boss would start micromanaging, she would say to herself, let them freak out. Let me focus on getting my work done and documenting my wins.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Exactly. And what's even more incredible is that she started using her newfound sense of empowerment to look for a new job. She basically said, let them have their toxic environment. Let me find a place where I can thrive.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. And within six weeks, she landed a new role at a company with a supportive culture and a boss who actually valued her contributions. She went from feeling trapped and defeated to feeling empowered and excited about her future.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. And the beauty of the Let Them Theory is that it's not about becoming some stress-free Zen master. It's about equipping yourself with the tools to navigate the inevitable chaos of life with more grace and resilience.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Absolutely. And I think it's time to give our listeners a chance to put these tools into practice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's like our brain's ancient watchdog, always on the lookout for danger.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So how about we walk everyone through the five-minute brain reset, step by step?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Perfect. It's like a portable stress-boosting toolkit. So let's break it down for our listener. What's the first step?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so we're basically giving that stress our label, but we're also putting a little distance between us and it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Love it. That already feels empowering. Okay, what's next?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's amazing how such a simple breathing exercise can have such a profound effect on our nervous system.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So we've acknowledged the stress. We've calmed our nervous system. What's the final step in our five-minute brain reset?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I love this part. It's about moving from feeling powerless to feeling empowered.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's all about shifting our focus from what's stressing us out to what we can do to feel more grounded and confident. So it's not just about managing stress. It's about reclaiming our power.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Now let's get even more specific. We've talked about the theory, but how does this actually play out in the real world? Think about all those common scenarios that tend to send our stress levels soaring. For example, what about dealing with a micromanaging boss?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Let's do it. I think a lot of our listeners can relate to this one. So imagine you're working on a project. and your boss is constantly hovering, second-guessing every decision you make. How can we apply the five-minute brain reset in this scenario?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That makes so much sense. It's like our brains are stuck in overdrive, even when there's no real danger.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Got it. We're not engaging with their anxiety, just observing it. What's next?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, repeat. Easy enough. And finally, the magic question. Let me to regain control. What might that look like in this situation?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Ooh, I like that. It's about taking control of the situation by addressing their concerns while also setting clear boundaries.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like speaking their language. A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue. And by taking this proactive approach, you're not only managing your own stress, but also potentially improving the dynamic with your boss.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP4 | The Neuroscience of Stress | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's not about avoiding stress altogether. It's about shifting our mindset and developing tools to navigate those stressful situations with more grace and ease.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hey, everybody, and welcome back to The Messy Podcast. If you want to skip the ads and get right into the good stuff, you can sign up to be a premium member on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also head over to our website at themessypodcast.com. We're in the middle of season one, Foundations of the Let Them Theory.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's more about recognizing what you can and cannot control and just focusing your energy on what you can. I can see how that would be helpful in stressful situations.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, so that feeling of losing sleep over a co-worker's snarky email? That's my amygdala calling the shots.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So instead of reacting impulsively, we can pause and think things through more clearly.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And today we're tackling episode two, the Let Them Theory, what it is and why it matters. Are you ready to dive in?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, so back to Mel's story. Her daughter encourages her to share this let them philosophy on TikTok. I mean, putting yourself out there can be intimidating, right?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
The video goes viral, racking up over 60 million views in a week. It's incredible how a simple idea shared authentically can resonate with so many people.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And it wasn't just a fleeting viral moment. This single TikTok sparked a movement. We saw like hashtag LetThem tattoos, corporate workshops, even features in The New York Times. It really struck a nerve.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's not just a feel good philosophy. There's actual substance behind it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, I'm ready to hear about this framework. Give me the steps.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about recognizing that you can't control everything, but you can control how you respond.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about taking back your power not in a controlling way but in a way that prioritizes your own peace and well-being.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
I'm all ears. Let's get practical.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Oh, been there. So how does let them apply here?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about taking back your power, not by controlling others, but by controlling your own responses and actions. I like that.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Right. With let them, you acknowledge their right to feel how they feel. You let them vent, complain, whatever it is. But then let me protect my own energy. You might set boundaries, redirect the conversation, or just limit your exposure to their negativity.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Precisely. And by releasing that burden, you free yourself to focus on what you can influence.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yeah, it's a common misconception. People worry that let them means becoming a doormat, letting people walk all over them. But it's quite the opposite. You're choosing where you direct your energy, your compassion, your efforts. It's a deliberate act, not a passive one.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's not about becoming an emotionless robot. It's about being mindful of your emotions and choosing how you react.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So let them actually enhances emotional intelligence. It's not about ignoring emotions. It's about managing them more effectively.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Could you give me an example of that? Because at first glance, it does seem like letting them struggle could be interpreted as uncaring.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's like the oxygen mask on a plane. You have to put yours on first before you can help others. A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue. It's not selfish. It's practical.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So how do we know when to let them and when to step in and try to make a difference? Because in some situations, taking action is definitely the right thing to do.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So in a nutshell, it's about choosing your battles wisely.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, I'm starting to see how this could be applied to so many areas of life. But how do we actually integrate this into our daily lives? It's one thing to understand the concept, but it's another to put it into practice.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So we've talked about the framework and how to identify those situations where let them is helpful. But what about the bigger picture? How does this philosophy impact our lives like in a more holistic way?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Okay, let's break those down one by one. Let's start with relationships. How does let them influence how we interact with others?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It creates this dynamic of inequality, right? Where one person feels superior and the other feels stifled.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It's about shifting from trying to change people to understanding and appreciating them for who they are. That sounds a lot healthier.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it. Okay, so to set the scene, we've got Mel, a mom sort of navigating the chaos of her son's prom night. Think like last minute tux fittings and downpour threatening perfectly planned photos. And a teenager Oakley who's less than thrilled with the whole ordeal.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It makes sense. You're taking the pressure off yourself and the other person to be something they're not.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So let them isn't about giving up on people. It's actually a way to strengthen relationships by fostering more authenticity and acceptance.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, let's shift gears and talk about careers. How does let them play out in the often stressful world of work?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
And that usually backfires, right? Leading to burnout anxiety, that feeling of never being good enough.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So it's about shifting your focus from external factors to internal ones. We'll be right back after this quick break.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
All right, we're back. Let's continue. From things you can't control to things you can.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
That sounds like a much healthier and more enjoyable way to approach work.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
OK, last but not least, let's talk about physical well-being. What's the connection between let them and our health?
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So basically stress makes us sick.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
So let them is a form of self-care. That's an interesting way to look at it.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
But in the middle of all this stress, Mel's daughter, Kendall, just drops this wisdom bomb. She's like, Mom, let them get soaked. It's their prom.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
It seems like our mental, emotional, and physical health are all intertwined. And LetThem is a tool for creating more balance and harmony in all those areas.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
This has been such an insightful conversation. I feel like I have a much deeper understanding of let them now. It's more than just a catchy phrase. It's a profound philosophy with practical applications that we can all benefit from.
The Let Them Theory | The Messy Podcast
S1 EP2 | The Let Them Theory – What It Is & Why It Matters | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Yes, and if you're ready to dive deeper into Let Them, be sure to check out all the amazing books we referenced on this episode. You can find a complete list along with ways to support our work at TheMessyPodcast.com.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Today's episode is a profound wake-up call. The expert you're about to meet is going to teach you things about your body that you have never heard before. For example, did you know that you don't have to get weaker as you get older? You don't have to slow down. In fact, her pioneering research shows the exact opposite.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And if you're a new listener, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode... I know that you're the kind of person who not only values your time, you value your health and the quality of your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Well, it really strikes me that after six years of being bedside... Mm-hmm. with women who are fighting for their lives, battling cancer, that if I had had to guess, I would have thought you would have gone into oncology. I think it's fascinating that the experience of being with people who could lose their life actually led you to a medical discipline
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
that allowed you to prolong life and that has now led you to being a world-renowned and respected voice about longevity and how you can age differently. So have you thought about how those two things connect?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And you're going to love today's conversation with the extraordinary Dr. Vonda Wright. And I also want to say this. If you chose to listen to this right now because someone in your life shared this with you, I just think that's really cool that somebody sent this to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Dr. Wright, I am so happy that you went to the most important and profound reason why this conversation today matters. And you have this concept about healthspan versus lifespan that I think really encapsulates the fact that while we are all going to get older, we do not have to be frail. There is a completely different future that's available to us as we age.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
What is the difference between healthspan and lifespan?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Because it means you have someone in your life that cares about you and they want you to learn how to leverage the intelligent, miraculous design of your body and how to feel stronger and more energized in your life. And that's exactly what you're going to learn to do today as you and I spend time together with Dr. Vonda Wright.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I would love to just stay right there because I think that is a extraordinarily powerful idea. That as you imagine yourself getting older, you do not have to imagine yourself becoming breakable and frail. That there is this, what you call the medicine of mobility that you're going to talk about today that is important for all of us to understand and embrace. I don't care how old or young you are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Mm-hmm. and that there is a different way to age that creates a completely different life, and that you do have control here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Now, Dr. Wright is a renowned double board certified orthopedic surgeon. She specializes in hip preservation, musculoskeletal aging, and sports medicine, and she has treated over 100,000 patients in her career.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Well, one thing that I will say is that if you are somebody that listens to this podcast and you normally listen to it while you're sitting at work or you're sitting in your car, like one change you could make is listen to this while you're walking. Absolutely. And that way you're combining the advice with your interest in listening to something that's helping you improve your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Let's take a quick break and hear a word from our incredible sponsors. And I want to give you a chance to also share this episode with people in your life who you know are going to love learning from Dr. Wright. And don't go anywhere. There are so many more strategies and tools that you're going to want to hear when we return. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I am so glad you're still here with me. You and I are spending time today with Dr. Vonda Wright, and we're learning all about how mobility is medicine. So Dr. Wright, you've said that our understanding of aging is completely skewed because all of the studies that have been done on folks that are older are studies done on people who don't move much. Can you unpack this for us? Absolutely.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
At the University of Pittsburgh, she was the medical director of the UPMC Sports Complex and the director of many of their biggest research groups, including the Performance and Research Initiative for Masters Athletes. She's also an internationally recognized researcher, and you're going to hear about some of her fascinating studies today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
That doesn't sound that old. It's a category, right? Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
You have with you these MRI results. And we're going to put them up on the screen for you if you're watching on YouTube. But I would love to have you walk us through. Yeah. What we're looking at here, and if you could just keep in mind that there's a person listening so we describe it for them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So we're basically saying if you do a 5K and you're over 40, you're considered a master athlete.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
You're also going to learn about her pioneering work in mobility, musculoskeletal aging, and how it's changing the way we view and treat longevity, mobility, and the aging process. She's also written five bestselling books, including Fitness After 40, Younger in Eight Weeks, Guide to Thrive, and the upcoming book, Unbreakable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Yeah, it looks almost like a filet. It does. And I'm looking at this beautiful, almost like a solid piece of meat on a 40-year-old athlete. It looks exactly the same on the 70-year-old who's active. But talk to me about the one in the middle, which is the 74-year-old who does nothing and sits around because that looks like a bowl of cottage cheese. That does not look... healthy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And what you are saying to us today is that you're going to teach us that aging is inevitable, but how you age is within your control. And so for somebody that's listening in their 20s to 40s, this message about, look, you have got to incorporate movement because it creates... a roadmap for a long, amazing life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And I think the message to anybody that's listening that's 40, 50, 60, 70 is it's not too late. Exactly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Right. Well, let's start there because I want to hear you explain what are the critical habits for that decade of 35 to 45. But I want to just tell the person that's with us right now who's either taking us on a walk or you're listening at home or we're in the car with you because you're probably thinking, oh, my God, I blew that decade. Now I'm screwed. Yeah. And so we're going to get to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Aren't you so excited to learn how to unlock all of the natural strength and natural design of your body to make your life better? I know I sure am. So please help me welcome Dr. Vonda Wright to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Dr. Vonda Wright, thank you, thank you, thank you for hopping on a plane and coming all the way to our Boston studios. I am so thrilled that you're here. It's my pleasure.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And Dr. Wright has very good news because, well, I'm just going to ask that right now. What if you're over 45 like me or your parents are over 45 and you're listening right now and you feel like, is it too late for me to course correct? Is it too late for me to build strong muscle? Why the hell do I need strong muscle in order to have a better health span?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Like what about the person who's listening or who got this forwarded to them? Who's over 45. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I just want to make sure the person hears this. Yeah. So, Dr. Wright, you're sitting here as an expert in longevity and helping us age in a way that creates a better life. Yes. There is never an age where if you're listening to Dr. Wright right now and you're 92 years old. Mm-hmm. You can still improve your health span. You can still change the way you age.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
You should think of this as an investment in yourself. Well, what I also love about what you said from the very beginning is reminding us of the obvious. Our bodies are designed to move. Yeah. Like you're, as an orthopedic surgeon, been repairing people's bodies and joints and bones, but your body is designed to move.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And one of the things to think about when you think about wellness and you think about your health span and you think about aging in a very different way is that we expect to get frail because we expect to slow down and stop moving. And if you actually flip it on its head and you say, well, actually, I don't expect to stop moving. Yeah. I certainly don't. I want to be hiking like the week I die.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So I wanted to start by having you speak directly to the person who is listening. And explain what they might experience that's going to be different about their life or a person that they love who they share this with if they take to heart everything that you're about to explain to us today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I want to be taking five-mile walks every day when I'm retired. I want to be swimming in the ocean. I want to be going to yoga class. I want to be out and about. And when you realize, wait a minute, my body's actually designed in a certain way. If I just work with it, it will work with and for me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Well, this is like a really important point because I don't think I truly thought about the possibility of it looking completely different when you get old. I want you to really embrace what Dr. Wright is saying. Imagine a world where the 80 or 90-year-old who has muscles and is going to the gym is not defying the odds. It's normal. They're actually the norm. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And that's what you're saying, that you're like, I want you to embrace the idea that we've all bought into this lie, that getting old means you have to be frail. And what you're here to say is, no, actually the research is very clear on this. Your body is designed to build muscle, to grow and to move.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And if that's what you do, whether you're starting for the first time at the age of 70, or you're listening right now and you're 25 and you're like, oh, this makes a lot of sense. I need to do this so that I can live a vibrant life. Like, this is just a part of what I need to be doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Yes. We do nothing. Yes. And you're basically saying if you literally just get up out of the chair and you move the legs that you have or you wheel yourself in your wheelchair, you are doing what your body is designed to do and your body will thank you by building muscle.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
You will end up frail and old. You will be the statistic of somebody who breaks their bone and who dies an early death. That's what's coming for you. You're right. And that is what I'm saying. What you're sharing, and I think more importantly, how you're sharing it, it's game-changing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And so I'm so grateful that you're here, and I'm also grateful that you're here and you're spending the time learning with me as we listen to Dr. Vonda Wright. Now, I want to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our sponsors, and I want to give you a chance to share this episode with people that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Don't go anywhere, because when we come back, there is so much more that you and I are going to learn from Dr. Vonda Wright. So stay with us. Hey, it's your buddy Mel Robbins. Welcome back. I am so thrilled that you're here with me today. And I'm also thrilled that you and I get to learn from the extraordinary Dr. Vonda Wright.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And we're learning all about mobility and how movement is medicine and how to unlock the natural, intelligent strength and design of your body so that you can be happier and healthier. Dr. Wright, here's where I want to go next. Since you're an orthopedic surgeon, I would love to have you educate us about joints and bones. Yeah. What is a joint?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Whether you're 20, 50, or even 80 years old, you are designed to be strong. What you're going to learn today will surprise you. It may shock you. And it will certainly open your eyes to a completely different possibility for how you experience your life and your future. And even if you've let yourself go for years, you know, you could be in the worst shape of your life right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Makes muscles structural. Well, what's interesting about, and it's so exciting to hear how passionate you are about this, because, you know, we're obviously talking about changing the way that you think about aging and understanding that getting older is inevitable. Feeling older is actually a choice. Yes. And it is a choice that you're making every day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
based on how you take care of your muscles, how you take care of your body. And what I love about the way that you're explaining all this is because I don't really think much about my bones. Yeah, who does? I don't think about my joints unless they hurt. Yeah. And so in addition to thinking about how you age is within your control and getting frail is not inevitable. Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I can feel the fire. It's a very hopeful message. Well, I think it's a very important one because you're going to talk to us today about your experience as an orthopedic surgeon and how movement actually is medicine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
you actually have an option to live your life in a very different way, but there's also immediate benefit because of the way the brains and bones respond and how it improves your life now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I want to feel great today. So where do you start? So you just mentioned deadlifting. You mentioned running on a treadmill. Neither are things that I do. So does Pilates or yoga count? Does a HIIT class count? If you're somebody like me where I work out at home, if I walk into the hotel gym, I don't know what to do. Yeah. Like I'll start that little circuit of machines.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I'm not quite sure how to position the machine. Like where do you recommend you start if you're thinking, you know, she's right. I do need to move more. Walking, I got it. But I keep hearing about strength training and the importance of muscle mass. How do you make this simple in a world where it's easy to get overwhelmed?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And you are changing the conversation about aging.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
in the world, you are getting women to think in particular very differently about their health and the unbelievable design of the human body and how you can leverage that in simple ways. And so I am so excited to unpack all of this with you. And I think maybe where we should start is what do people get wrong about aging?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
That sounds horrible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Probably not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Unless somebody's chasing me, I'm not running these days.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I freaking love it because there's actually a really important reason around muscle mass. Can you break down why building muscle mass is actually important for your health?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So do your muscles behave this way no matter how old you are or what shape they're in when you start?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So Dr. Wright, you've talked about flexibility, aerobics. You've talked about carrying, which was... Weightlifting. Carrying a load is weightlifting. Carrying a load. What's E?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I am so excited for this conversation because already what you just said makes me think about getting older differently and it makes me think about my aging parents differently because, you know, I think we've all had that experience, whether you see your grandparents or you see your parents and you have that feeling where you're like, oh my God. Yeah. They look so old. How did that happen?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So Dr. Wright, you just mentioned that you have this exercise routine that you prescribe. Yeah. What is it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I got it. Start on our knees, but we got to be able to get to 11 pushups. We have to be able to get up. Upper body strength is critical for women. Got it. So we've got walking four times a week at a brisk pace. We have 11 pushups. You got to be able to lift your body weight.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Bones require impact, right? I've heard a lot of people say that running's bad for your joints, that weightlifting's bad for your joints. As an orthopedic surgeon, what's your opinion about this? It's bad for your joints. What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
How did that? They seem so frail. So I love this quote of yours. We don't get old because we age. We get old because we stop moving. What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So it's almost like a rubber, if you've ever seen an old rubber band that gets brittle, That's like a tendon that gets brittle, right? So like stretching the rubber band actually keeps it healthy?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
One thing that I want to just reflect on, because I think it's a very empowering thing to consider.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
that we have gotten to a point in evolution or in history where so many of us are not taking care of ourselves because we're optimizing for working more or being at school more or being online more, that we're not spending time doing the things that our bodies are designed to do. And when I listen to you talk about the medicine of mobility, Or that movement is medicine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And then I hear you as an orthopedic surgeon and a renowned expert in longevity and in aging in a way that is vital and joyful and powerful and strong. And that that's an option for all of us. Uh-huh. What I also am hearing is that so many of us buy into the lie that getting frail and slowing down is inevitable. And then you'll take a pill.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And then the pill is meant to address symptoms that you feel. And what I think is very exciting is putting the power back in our hands. And as you're listening to Dr. Wright, she's basically saying your body is actually designed in this extraordinary, glorious way to work for you, to make you feel better, to build muscle, to help you live a full and amazing life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And if you really just consider all the science that you're sharing and the common sense that we'd be built like a mushroom, If we were meant to sit and that your biggest muscles are from the belly button down and you've got legs to move them or if you're in a wheelchair and you can't move, like you've got arms to roll yourself. Absolutely.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
That when you work with the intelligent design, the intelligent design works with you. Oh my gosh, I couldn't have said it better. And so to me, that's a very inspiring thing to be told. You're not broken. You're just not using your body the way it was designed. And if everything aches and you feel like, okay, I've got all this pain, that this is something you can overcome.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So if the person listening is thinking, okay, I get this. Like, this is exciting. And... I do have a lot of joint pain. Yeah. I do have arthritis. Yes. What do I do? Where do I start? Let's talk about arthritis.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Can I ask a question about that though? Because I know I'm going to get a lot of questions. What does that mean? Does that mean you don't put sugar in your coffee? I don't. No, no, no. But what does it mean when you say I cut out sugar? Because I'm like, what the hell does that even mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Got it. So as a doctor, when you hear somebody talking about joint pain, arthritis, chronic pain, you go inflammation. Obviously, there are those conditions that are bone-related from pounding the bones over years and that kind of stuff. Yeah, you can get arthritis at any age.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Well, that's counterintuitive because if you have joint pain, the last thing you think you should do is actually go to the gym or build muscle and But it makes a lot of sense because so many women in particular are so focused on being thin that oftentimes that means you're trying to be thin or slender at the expense of building muscle. And that then makes you weaker.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Does cortisone work? Oh, you know what?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And I would imagine those platelets are better if you're following some of the advice they've been telling us all day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Could you speak directly to the person who's been listening to you, Dr. Wright, and thinking, I haven't taken care of myself. Like my entire life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I mean, is it too late for me? I would love for you to just talk directly to them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
What is unnatural is not moving. So are you saying that one of the reasons why our parents and our grandparents and we start to age rapidly is because we're not moving.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Well, you've done an incredible job, Dr. Wright, like really connecting the dots from this being a directive to lose weight or to look better to a just treasure that's inside your body that is waiting for you to activate it. And I think, you know, particularly for so many people
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
people that listen to this show and are at stages in their life where they're either consumed by school or they're consumed by caregiving or they are going through a major change in their life or their career or what's happening in their family, that it is so easy to find yourself in these phases of your life that can last years where you just let yourself go.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And simply being reminded that your body is designed no matter how young or old you are, no matter how out of shape or far gone you are or how much pain you may be in, your body is actually designed to move. Yeah. It is designed to respond to everything that you're prescribing to your patients and explaining to us.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And that it's something that even just adding a walk-in every day right now will make a big difference. So if the person listening takes just one action today, Dr. Wright, based on absolutely everything that you have taught us, what is the most important thing to do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I absolutely agree with you. And so as you're listening to this, I want you to take the time and think of five women in your life. I don't care how old they are. I don't care how young they are. Share doctor rights information with them. Share this conversation with them. It is something that you can do that could absolutely change the trajectory of their life. What are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Wright. I love how you framed all this. I love how many people are going to share this. I appreciate the heart.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And what I deeply appreciate about you and the work that you're doing and what you did today for me and the person listening is that you actually gave us a achievable roadmap to follow so that aging is inevitable, but being frail and broken and weak and putting yourself last isn't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And so thank you, thank you, thank you for everything. Oh, it's my pleasure. Oh my gosh. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for taking the time to listen to something that will change your life for the better. Thank you for taking the time to share this. with everybody in your life that you're worried about or that you would wish that they would take better care of themselves.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I think this is life-changing information and in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you, I believe in your ability to take Dr. Wright's advice and get moving.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I believe in your ability to follow the things that she suggested today, even if it's just take me on a walk, start listening to this podcast on a walk, get moving again, and I think you will be startled by how your body is actually designed. that muscle and movement are medicine. It is designed to feel better. And when you feel better, you're going to do better. All righty.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
I will see you in a few days. I'll be waiting to welcome you in to the very next episode the second you hit play. I'll see you there. You guys good to go? Yeah, we're great. Awesome. Thanks, boss. What a nice crew you have. Thank you. Oh, so everybody knows their thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Or maybe you're in what you think is the best shape of your life right now. You still need to understand the specific things your body needs in order to function properly and work for you. If you're not aware of the actual functional design of your body and you're not doing some simple things that our expert is going to talk about today. you will not live a strong, long, and healthy life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
It's just really cool to not only be able to do creative work and to be able to do something where you're learning new things, but that you also know that it's making a difference for people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Yes. I really cannot. I pinch myself every day. What a good job you have. I know, right? Look at us. I know. I know. It's so fun. All right. Well, are we, are you ready, Kev? Fabulous. Trace, you ready? Awesome. Oh my gosh. I am so excited. Okay. So I'm going to welcome you in. Okay. You ready? I love that. I can feel the fire. It's a very hopeful message. Boom. We got it. Yay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
This is going to explode. I appreciate this so much. Fantastic. Good. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah. We're like truffle pigs here, just rooting around until we find it, right? All right, everybody. Dr. Run! Dr. Run! Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
What I'm really excited about is we have so many conversations on this podcast that, you know, I'm 56 and I'm constantly sharing to the 20-year-olds in my life. I think this is one where if you're in your 20s or your 30s and you're listening to this, you're going to be sending this to your parents and to your aunts and your uncles as this gigantic shift around how to think about aging.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And so, Dr. Wright, that brings me to this other question that I have. about aging shape the way that you age?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Well, and there's so much that you're about to share and shift in terms of the way that we think about this, because... If I am reading between the lines, when you refer back to being 25, when you don't have everything figured out, it's a very challenging decade. We as a society obsess over youth. And now the medical industry is obsessed with, for women anyway, anti-aging.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And what we're talking about today is how to use all of the research and your experience as an orthopedic surgeon and as a doctor who has been seeing patients who are in a clinical practice, how to actually change the way you think about aging so that it changes the way that you think about your health and what's possible in your life. And when should you start to think about this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
So get ready to have a whole new way to look at the intelligent, miraculous design of your body and leverage it for the rest of your life. Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so thrilled that you're here. You know, it's always an honor to spend time with you and to be together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Well, I think, you know, one of the reasons why I want to talk to you is because you're an orthopedic surgeon. Yes. And in 2022, only 7.4% of orthopedic surgeons were women.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
Can you imagine? Why... Is that the case? I realize that there are bigger issues around sexism, but why is it that there are so few women that are practicing as orthopedic surgeons?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
What made you want to become an orthopedic surgeon?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
That is good work. Well, what I find interesting is that you're going to teach us about aging through the lens of being an orthopedic surgeon. But I'm also curious because I know that prior to becoming an orthopedic surgeon, your first career was as a cancer nurse. Yeah. So what was it about being a nurse treating and caring for cancer patients that that led you to want to go into orthopedics?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Look, Feel, & Stay Young Forever: #1 Orthopedic Surgeon’s Proven Protocol
And how does all of that inform the way that you think about aging?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Hey, it's your buddy Mel, and you know, I just had to get on the mic today and respond to what I'm seeing in the inbox and the comments online, because there's a lot going on in the world right now. I mean, more than ever, it kind of feels that there's just so much that's not fair.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
because it doesn't have to. What I'm recommending is something else. I'm recommending that you give yourself permission, and you also set this date so you know this chapter ends, this scene is gonna be over, the movie is gonna go on, and you are going to be okay, that there is an end to this. But while we're in it, let's be in it. Let's play the sad songs. Let's be in a depressive state.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Let's live in our pajamas. Let's cry. Let's wallow. Give yourself permission, if you have to, to scream into that pillow. It's not fair. Do what you need to do to feel the emotions and let them come and let them go because I promise you that deadline's going to come. And if you gave yourself this space and this grace, you, my friend, are going to be in a very different place.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And if you're brand new, I just wanted to personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm absolutely thrilled that you're here. And because you hit play and you made the time to listen to this particular episode, it tells me something about you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And by the way, I've been talking about these big, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching things, but let's talk about some of the stuff that we tend to beat ourselves up over that aren't fair, that you've been doing for years and years and years, like you beat yourself up over your height or your body or the way your face looks or your complexion.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
You've already been grieving the state of things for years. You've already made yourself feel bad and put yourself down and been invalidating yourself. So if the unfair thing is something that you've been living with for a long time, your friend Mel Robbins has a recommendation. How about the deadline be 5 p.m. today?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Because the wallowing has been going on for long enough and it is time to move on. And the wallowing we know is no longer helping you change this situation. It's not making a positive dent in the situation. It just makes you feel bad. It's chipped away at your confidence. It's made you feel disempowered. And the deadline I want you to give yourself is tonight at 5 p.m.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Because this scene in the movie, it's over and we're going to move on. And that brings me to step number two, which may seem simple. In fact, it might even seem a little stupid or obvious, but it's the most crucial. And a lot of people miss it because if you don't do this step, you will never be able to move forward and you're going to get trapped in the scene.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And it's this, you have to accept what has happened. You need to accept reality. And you may be thinking right now, wait a minute, Mel. I mean, I just did. Weren't you and I just shouting, life isn't fair? Yeah, we were. But you're probably still deep down wishing things were different. See, when you wish things were different, you're resisting reality.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
It's one thing to accept the fact life isn't fair. This is cruel. I don't deserve this. It's a whole nother ballgame to accept that this is what has happened and it's not changing. And the longer that you hold on to the wish that this didn't happen or that things were different or that somehow the situation wasn't what it was or you weren't in the position that you're in,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I know you're the type of person, you value your time, and you've made the time to listen to this because you're looking to feel a little bit better right now. And I'm gonna tell you, today's conversation, and by the time that you're done listening to this, it is the perfect thing for you to listen to at this exact moment in time and you will feel better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
The longer you hold on to this wish, the longer you prolong your own suffering. I mean, most of human suffering, our internal pain, our anguish, it comes from the desire to have things be different than how they are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I mean, this is philosophies that date back into the beginning of human history, whether it's stoicism or Buddhism, this notion of learning how to accept the things you cannot control. You know, there's one quote I love from the poet Rumi. Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you. Honestly, that's the let them part of my theory.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Let them is when you accept things as they are and as they're not. Let them is when you let life live through you. And to me, what that means is that life is always teaching you something. Life is always moving forward, even when you refuse to. Let's take a quick pause and hear a word from our sponsors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And while you're listening, share this with somebody because it could truly change the course of their life. And don't go anywhere because we've got so much more to discuss after this short break. So stay with me. Welcome back. I am so glad you're still here with me. This is such an important topic. Thank you for sharing this message with the people that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
We've been talking about the steps that you can take in those moments where life feels overwhelming. And the next thing I want to share with you is sometimes the most important lessons from life come in the cruelest ways and the deepest wisdom. comes through the most painful experiences.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I mean, for myself, I can look back and say, certainly about my life, that it's always in those moments that I got the worst news, that I've ultimately discovered the best things about myself. Now, I didn't want to have to learn them that way, but it's true.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And somehow learning how to accept a new reality, you're going to discover something that life is going to move through you because the truth is you're already in the new reality. The relationship is over. The house is burned down. The person's gone. The diagnosis is here. The acne is on your face. You've been laid off again. Cancer is back. Your bank account, it's still in the red.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Wishing it were different doesn't make it different. It just makes the present moment more painful and you feel all this tension because you're just resisting it. You gotta learn how to let it move through you. And look, I'm not saying this is easy. I mean, when life hands you a poop sandwich, you feel like you're supposed to choke it down. Well, here's what I think this poem means.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Let life move through you. It's sort of peaceful, isn't it? You can feel yourself drop the resistance because what that line is actually saying is that when life hands you a poop sandwich, You don't have to shove it down your throat. You could just put it down on the plate beside you and move on. Yes, it's there and life just served it up to you, but you don't have to carry it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Because based on what I'm seeing in the inbox, the headlines, the news, and the DMs that you are sending me from all over the world, I just felt in my heart that today we had to have a conversation. I need to be honest with you about something. And it's something that people don't like to talk about, but we need to. Life isn't fair. There, I said it. Life isn't fair, especially right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
You can accept that life just handed you this poop sandwich and now you're sitting right next to it and this is the scene of your life. But it's only until you can do that and truly allow it to move through you that your life will start to move forward too. So how do you move on?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Well, that brings me to the next step, which is asking yourself, as I'm sitting here next to this poop sandwich, what is in my control and what is not in my control? And When you're feeling really upset about where you're at, it feels like everything's out of your control. And these next two steps are going to put a spotlight on all of the amazing things that are actually in your control.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And so let's talk about them one by one. The first one is making a plan. And the second thing that's in your control is finding meaning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
One of the things that's so challenging about being in a situation where life is really unfair is that you can get yourself so paralyzed in your mind by how unfair and overwhelming it all seems that you blind yourself to the fact that there's almost always something you can do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
In almost any situation, if you're sitting there next to a shit sandwich, there is something you can do through your actions to actually make the situation better. Whether you've lost your job, you can find a new one. If you're in the red, I've been there, you can learn the skills of how you actually become more responsible with money and you can start to chip away at your debt.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
In fact, there is so much information out in the world today that you are fully equipped in this super amazing way to simply go to the internet and don't type in life isn't fair. I want you to type in the situation that you're in. The cancer just came back. My marriage just ended. And then ask, what should I do? And you want to know what's going to come up?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Like a bazillion videos and podcast episodes and books and blog articles all about people who have been in this situation sitting next to this shit sandwich who figured it out. And by watching those videos and by reading those articles and checking out those books at the library or hopping onto YouTube, you can make a plan. And here's one more hack that I think is absolutely incredible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Go to ChatGPT. And literally right in there, act like the world's best life coach and tell me exactly what I should do if I'm in a situation where X, Y, Z happened and I feel it's very unfair and I feel hopeless and powerless. Tell me exactly what to do. Create a plan every day for the next 30 days and give me the five things I need to do every day in order to change this situation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
ChatGPP will spit out your plan in a nanosecond, and you want to know what? It's going to work. And one of the reasons why I'm telling you this is because it is very dangerous to allow yourself to stay in that state next to that shit sandwich, convincing yourself you have no choice but to eat it. It's not true. There is almost always a plan that you can make 99.9% of the time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And I am 1000% convinced because of the work that I do and because of how many people I interact with every single day, I am 1000% convinced there is a person in this world that has been in a situation and even been in a situation way worse who has figured it out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
They have made a plan and through their actions and their attitude and the space and time they gave themselves to process their emotions and accept the reality and let life move through them, they have made the situation better. And that means so can you. I refuse to believe that you are not capable of meeting this moment in your life. In fact, I believe the opposite.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I believe you have within you the ability and the capacity to make this situation better, to make yourself better. There is something you can do. There always is something that you can do. And I also gave you this beautiful hack using ChatGPT for free to give yourself a plan and empower yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
But what I've noticed over time, and this really troubles me, is that it's not your capacity and your capability that is stopping you. It's your attitude. See, if you allow yourself to get into the hole of despair, you won't do anything. Because when you have despair...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I mean, so much of life right now feels backwards or wrong and out of control, overwhelming. It's not fair that you lost your house or that your dad died.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
and you continue to tell yourself that you're never going to get out of this or nothing's going to ever make a dent or this is just too big and too much, you lose hope. And without the hope that things are going to change, you don't do the little things that I'm sharing with you right now that actually do change your life and this situation for the better. That's why this matters.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And so the third step is as you're sitting there and you've shouted, life isn't fair. And then you've accepted that life has handed you this poop sandwich. And now you've put it down on the plate And you say, let them. I'm going to let life move through me. This is what life has handed me. I am not going to choke it down. I'm going to put it there and see it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I'm going to recognize that this worst experience is going to bring out some of the best things in me. I'm going to trust in that. Now I'm going to make a plan because I do see that there is something that I can do. And I'm going to use ChatGPT to do all the work for me because I am going to do the work following the plan. So I don't need to come up with a plan. I mean, that is so cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Do you know how much luckier you and I are than people 10 years ago that we can do this? We can empower ourselves this way. But I want to leave you with a fourth step because this is going to really fuel your ability to move forward. And this fourth step is find meaning. In these moments where life is unfair or things seem out of control or cruel, I want to remind you of a truth about life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And that is the power of your attitude. That is always in your control. And whenever I'm in a situation where I just feel like things are so unfair or I start to doubt my ability to meet the moment that I'm in, I think about a book. that has had probably the single biggest difference in my life, and it's a book you may be familiar with. It's Man's Search for Meaning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
or that the polar ice caps are melting, or that big tech is now suddenly taking over the world, or that corporations get bailed out left and right and don't seem to pay taxes, but you can barely pay yours, or that you were born diabetic, or that you're the one who is always caring for your aging parents or your young kids and you're doing it alone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
The author is Viktor Frankl, and Frankl was a psychiatrist who endured one of the cruelest and most traumatic and horrific situations a human being could ever experience In the 1930s, Frankl was cast into the Nazi network of concentration and extermination camps. He went to four of them. And miraculously, he survived.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And in the book, he details the accounts of his survival and how he did it and how he kept himself alive and he kept hope alive by summoning up thoughts of his wife and the prospect that he might see her again, that they would be reunited. I mean, the scenes where he's explaining this are just riveting. And he would also keep hope alive by dreaming that at one point,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Way after the war, he would be lecturing about the psychological lessons to be learned from Auschwitz. Well, his wife, his family members, they did not survive. but he did. And when he was freed, he wrote Man's Search for Meaning, which is one of the most important books in my life, and arguably one of the greatest books of all time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And the copy that I'm holding in my hand right now, it says that more than 15 million copies of it are in print, and this copy of mine is pretty old, so I would imagine there's millions more in copy right now. Now, the biggest impact that this book has had on me is perhaps Frankl's most important insight after this horrific experience.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And it's this, that there are always going to be forces beyond your control that can take away everything from you, except for your ability to choose how you want to respond to the situation. See, you're not in control of what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you feel, do, think, say about what happens to you. This is what we've been talking about with let them and let me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
It's not a new idea, but it is a life-changing idea. And I want to read to you one of my favorite quotes from this book. Everything can be taken from a man, but one thing. the last of the human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances. And he goes on to write, when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
That is where your power is. No matter how unfair life may seem, no matter how cruel or overwhelming the situation may be, You have the power because you can change yourself. You are free to choose your attitude in any given set of circumstances. And you are also free to choose what you do or don't do in response. And so no matter what you're facing, I need you to hear this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And that's just the big stuff about life that's not fair. It's also not fair that your skin is breaking out or that your sister looks like a supermodel or that your parents favor your brother or that your friend is pregnant and you just had another miscarriage or that the housing market is so insane that you can't find a house or an apartment to buy and you can't afford one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
The four steps that we talked about, the first one is life isn't fair. Say it out loud. Set a deadline and give yourself the space and the grace to feel what you need to feel. Second, accept that this is what your life is. Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
In the Mel Robbins world, that means when life hands you a poop sandwich, don't choke it down. Let it go right back down on the plate. Third, there's always something that you can do because you can choose how you respond to this. And so the third thing that you're going to do is you're going to make a plan. And I gave you the perfect, modern, amazing hack to be able to do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Just go to the computer, go to Google, go to chat GDP, put in the prompt, tell them what's not fair. ask them to give you a 30-day step-by-step, day-by-day plan of what you need to do, boom, you got your plan. And based on the research that you learned about from UC Irvine, we know that these are the steps that work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And finally, this fourth step, don't forget that when you are no longer able to change the situation, and I'm gonna remind you, 99.9% of the situations you're in, you absolutely, through your actions and that plan, you can change it for the better. But if you're not able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourselves. And in any situation, it is your attitude. That is your power.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And that's what you get to choose. And I also want to remind you that that matters. Because when you have an attitude of hope, when you can see beyond the deadline, beyond the scene of your life, you are now anchoring on a better future. And you know that taking the actions and changing your attitude and following these steps matter. Because this is not how the movie ends.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
It is just one scene in your absolutely amazing, magnificent, and yet sometimes cruel and unfair life. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you. And I believe in you. And I'm proud of you for hitting play on this episode. I'm proud of you for recognizing that while you may be here, you're not staying here because you're not meant to stay here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And there's no doubt in my mind that everything that you learn is going to help you create a better life. Now go do it. And just know that your friend Mel is going to be waiting for you to welcome you back the second you hit play on the very next episode. And I'll see you there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Okay. Oh, it's going to feel so good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And, you know, it's kind of liberating, isn't it? To just say the truth out loud. It's not fair. So for whatever it is that you feel is cruel or it's unfair or you don't deserve it, I want to validate that because ignoring it isn't working. Feeling bad about it isn't working. I mean, letting it paralyze you or make you anxious or demoralize you, is that working? Of course not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Oh, my God. Let me just take a sip. I'm sorry, guys. Great. Thanks, guys. Wish me luck. I'm terrified. Okay. Wait, hold on. And we had, okay, great. Great job. Sorry that was so like, but that I would have been way better prepared had we not been number one. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I just want to call it out. I want to validate it. In fact, why don't you say it with me? Scream it if you want. Life isn't fair. And it's important to say it because it is the truth. So let's acknowledge the truth. But here's another truth that we need to acknowledge.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
It's always going to be unfair because there are always going to be things that are out of your control and there are going to be things that happen that are cruel and painful and heartbreaking. They're going to happen to you, but they're not going to happen to the person standing next to you. Yes, Things are going to be out of your control. But here's the thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Whether your house just burned down, or your health insurance claim got denied, or you were rejected from your dream school, you're worried about politics, or maybe you got screwed over in the divorce, companies laying people off and outsourcing all these jobs to AI, I'm here to tell you, it's true. Life isn't fair. You're right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I am not going to allow you or me to get stuck in this place. And I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid. I'm not saying that this situation isn't really difficult. I'm not saying that it's not valid to feel overwhelmed or scared or this sense of like, why me? Why is this happening to me?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
To feel this weight of the loss that you're dealing with for what you thought your life would be and now you're like waking up in this nightmare. Because there is a time and it is important to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, whether that is feeling sorry for yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
or whether it's allowing yourself to be in a depressive or a disempowered state because you're moving through grief or heartbreak. And yes, there is a lot of value in complaining, inventing, and just really saturating yourself in this and talking about it. But I'm going to tell you, this is just one stop on the leg of the journey called life. This is not where you stop.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
This moment where things are not fair, this is just a scene in your life. It's not how the movie ends because it's not where you live. And today, I'm going to remind you of another fact, an important fact, a powerful fact, a fact that is so much more powerful than life is unfair. Because the fact is that no matter what is happening around you, you have the power within you to face it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Because you have limitless ability and you have this capacity to accept the things that you cannot change, to recognize that there are aspects of life that are always gonna be unfair and aspects of life that seem fair, but that through your attitude and your actions, your response, that you can move the needle on this situation, that you can make the situation a little better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
You can move things forward because validating your experience, very important, very, very important. And that's why I'm validating it, but I'm also reminding you, yes, you can make your life, this situation, and the world around you a little better place. So if any of what I'm saying is resonating, if you're currently in a situation that simply is cruel or unfair,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
like you're being bullied by your narcissistic ex in a divorce, or your house was burnt down, or it was taken out by a flood, and you're still waiting for the power to come back on, your health insurance claim was denied, your rent was increased, you're a dreamer, you could be deported, or you got that flat on the way to work this morning, you're right. Life isn't fair.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Let's say it together one more time. Let's get it out of us. You ready? Let's do it. Life isn't fair. God, it feels so good to just say it, doesn't it? So what are we gonna do about it? Well, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do about it. I am gonna walk you through four things that you should do right now, okay? And the first step is to give yourself a deadline.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And you may be thinking, a deadline? What is the deadline for? Great question. You are going to give yourself a deadline for how long you're going to allow yourself to stay in this sad and overwhelmed, grieving and disempowered state. And here's why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And since I'm seeing so many of you write in and you're experiencing situations in your life that just feel so unfair, I wanted to address it today because the worst thing that you could do is succumb to despair. I do not want you to consume yourself with worry and then start to get yourself feeling paralyzed and powerless because you're not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Yes, it's important for you to not only call out this situation and say, this isn't fair, but it is more important that you recognize that you deserve and need time to process your feelings about the situation. And by setting a deadline for how long you are going to allow yourself
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
to move through your feelings, that you're gonna give yourself the grace of just being low, of being sad, of feeling disempowered. You know what you're doing? You're doing something that is so important. You're acknowledging that you deserve to be in this state. We're going to go through more steps that you need to follow after a short break.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And while you're listening to our sponsors, every single person that I know and you know really could use these steps and this message right now. So be generous and share it with them. And don't go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm so glad you're still here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
It is so important to talk about those moments where life is unfair. And you're probably going through one like that right now because life does seem unfair. But there are things you can do. And so let's get back into what you can do about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
I love this step of giving yourself a deadline and creating the space and the grace that you need to be able to process what you're feeling is because it reminds me of this powerful research from the amazing Dr. Lisa DeMore. She's a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and she said something to me once that altered the way that I look at life. She said that
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
In life, when you're going through a really difficult situation, if you feel sad or overwhelmed or depressed or you're grieving, that's a sign that you're mentally healthy. I mean, just stop and think about that. Isn't it a mentally healthy response to an unfair or cruel situation in life to feel depressed or overwhelmed or anxious? Of course it is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
When you lose somebody that you love, it is a mentally healthy response to be in a depressive state. It's a sign that your mind and body are working well. If you have somebody break up with you, of course you're going to be sad and overwhelmed and lost. That's a sign that everything is working as it should. It's a sign that you cared. It's a sign that you are feeling things. That's a good thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
You don't need to be scared of these emotions. You don't need to run away from them because it's a sign that you're reacting to something that's unfair or cruel in a healthy and appropriate way. As she says, do the emotions and feelings match the situation? And so if you're facing something unfair, You need time to grieve. You need time to be upset. You deserve to be angry about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And you have to give yourself the time to feel those emotions or else you're going to be in trouble. And I'm telling you this not because this is my opinion. I'm telling you this because I found a research study and I want to share the science with you about why it's so important to give yourself this defined moment where you go, okay, I am going to allow myself to feel what I need to feel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
After 9-11, researchers at UC Irvine did a study on how people across the United States were coping with the trauma of this mass tragedy. And they found that even six months after the attack, so many people were still experiencing heightened anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms. Of course they were.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
But what made a big difference, though, was how people coped with those feelings immediately after the 9-11 attack. See, the people who took active steps to manage their emotions, like seeking support, planning ways to move forward, and finding ways to process what happened, they were able to heal much faster.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Today, we're going to talk about it, and I'm going to give you four things that you can do in these moments where life is overwhelming, and honestly, it just isn't fair. You don't deserve this, but there is always something you can do. Always. It is always such an honor to spend time and to be together with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And that last piece, finding ways to process what happened, that's what we're doing by setting a deadline. You're actually intentionally in time saying, I have to find ways to process what happened, so I'm going to give myself this defined space to do it. And it's so important because check out what happened to the people who didn't give themselves the space and the grace to process what happened.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Well, they found the worst thing that you could do, like the worst thing was to shove the emotions down, to just try to move on. to deny yourself the time to feel the emotions, to try to distract yourself, to get back to work, to just kind of pull up your big girl panties and move on, to kind of give up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
You want to know what happened to the people who did that, who didn't give the space to manage and process these emotions? They were still experiencing PTSD and anxiety symptoms months and years after 9-11. See, your emotions and feelings and all that stored tension, it doesn't go anywhere. If you shove it down, it just builds up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
That's why if you're in a situation where life is unfair or something cruel has just happened or you're overwhelmed or you're just feeling like you can't catch a break, you have to give yourself time to feel what you need to feel. And that's exactly why step one is give it a deadline.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
Because it creates the space for you to do what you need to do, to not run from these emotions, but to acknowledge them. And to acknowledge them and say, wow, I'm actually mentally healthy because I'm responding to this overwhelming situation with these overwhelming feelings. And managing your emotions by seeking support, processing what happened, planning ways to move forward.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
That's what's going to allow you to move forward. Because it's not time. that actually heals. It's what you do with that time that matters. And that's what we're talking about. So let's first create the time, because I'm not just suggesting that you do it. I am telling you this is what the science and the research says, and I want you to benefit from it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And I know you're thinking, Mel, how do I even know how long I need to give myself? Well, the answer is it depends on you. And it depends on the situation that you're in. And it depends on like the emotions that you're feeling. And I don't really care as much about how long the deadline needs to be or what the exact date is. That's not really what matters.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
What truly matters is the intentional act of acknowledging this is unfair and cruel. and then acknowledging that you have appropriate feelings, of course you would in response to this, and then acknowledging that you need the space and you need some time to allow those feelings to rise and fall, to allow yourself the time to process what you actually are going through.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And I want to give you some just kind of rules of thumb or some of the research from what the experts say. Like, for example, when I was researching the let them theory and I was talking to a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists, the research shows that after somebody breaks up with you, it takes people about 11 weeks before they start feeling better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
And we also know that grief after you lose somebody that you love or you lose the home, you know, that you have lived in forever, that it can take anywhere from six months to two years before you can start to settle into a new normal. And the advice that I've always heard after somebody that you love dies is make no changes for one year. Now, these are just rules of thumb.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What to Do
These are what the experts and the research sort of advise for the kinds of situations that feel so unfair and that can feel cruel. And yeah, it may take you a little longer than 11 weeks. It might take you a little less, but you need to give yourself a date. And the other thing that I love about setting a date is that it's a sign to you in a calendar that this is not gonna take over your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, I just finished a conversation with acclaimed Harvard Business School professor Allison Woodbrooks, and all I'm going to say is, wow. If you or someone that you love wants to make more money, land a promotion or a raise, find your dream job, or simply be more confident and influential at work or in life, congratulations.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
I just want to make sure I got this straight because I feel a little bad because I was out to dinner last night, believe it or not. I mean, I love how the universe works. And the person that was waiting on our table came up and it turns out that they're a huge fan of this podcast. And it was really cool. And I said, oh, well, what topic would you want me to cover?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And I kid you not, she said, I'm the manager at this restaurant and next week I'm going in and I'm asking for a raise. And I think I gave her the wrong advice. What'd you tell her?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, the first thing I said to her is I said, the one thing I don't want you to do is do not look at Glassdoor and do not find every other salary range in your area and then assume that your boss should pay you that because that doesn't feel like you telling me that you're irreplaceable. That feels like an ultimatum.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And when somebody does that to me, it makes me go, okay, well, if you'd like to get paid that at a different restaurant, go get that job.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And I then said to her, what I would do is I would look back through your calendar and your photographs and jog your memory and try to come up with a list of all of the problems you solve. All of the things that you do that your boss does not realize that you do. Come up with the number of different jobs that you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And then also come up with the reasoning behind why you want to grow in this role and why that's important to you. But I didn't say, I want you to first stop and put yourself in your boss's shoes. What does your boss need in an incredible manager? What makes you irreplaceable? And I think that's something that nobody is talking about. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So you would have that conversation before you actually have the one where you're truly asking for the promotion or the raise. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Who knew that the Harvard Business School professor who teaches the course in the science of communication and negotiation would give us unbelievably amazing advice? No, I'm not kidding because it's kind of one of those steps that's so obvious that you miss it. Because the truth is anybody that works for me that makes my job easier, you're invaluable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Anybody that solves problems before they become a problem for me, you're invaluable. You get in early, you stay late, you're invaluable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
I think most of us do the opposite. I have certainly been guilty when I have been an employee and I make a lousy employee because I watch what's happening in the company. And then I go, oh, they're successful. Therefore, I deserve more. Therefore, I am owed more. And then I start to feel entitled. And then I rehearse my little script.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And if you're brand new, I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And because you hit play on this episode and you found the time to listen to this, here's what I know about you. You're not only the kind of person that values your time, but you have a lot of ambition and you're looking for ways to advance your career and you're in the right place.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And then I go in with my hands on my hips and my case that I'm going to make. And then it's like denied.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And that step of going, have I even sat with my boss and asked, what would make your life easier? What would make me irreplaceable? What are you looking for me to do that I'm not doing? What are the things that I do that you actually value? What is a total waste of time?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
You know, Professor Brooks, that right there, is worth a million dollars and let me tell you why because typically when you see somebody who is performing at work or they are excelling at work or they are hitting their numbers or whatever you tend to see that example and then you either invalidate yourself or you go only playing cameras and what you're saying is no no no no there are skills
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
There are habits, there are patterns of behavior that this person engages in. How about you operate for a couple weeks and you just mirror what that person is doing? Because that person is demonstrating the behavior and the communication style and the work style that actually wins in this organization.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Wow. You know, I could see how this also plays out in personal relationships. And I'm going to just take a small tangent because I want to just put my arm around the person to make you understand that what we're actually talking about is influence. Your ability to influence other people's behavior to your benefit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And so, you know, an example that comes to mind immediately that I realized I completely screwed up is the negotiating with my husband for how we're going to spend our holidays. His family, my family. And I think we all can think of situations where we get highly charged and then we march in and demand what we want instead of stopping to think, okay, well, what does my partner care about?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
What does this roommate care about? And doing that homework, Professor Brooks, To force yourself out of your point of view and go, well, what might that person care about and how can I start the negotiation? Really being interested in what that person cares about instead of jamming my opinion like a poop sandwich down their throat for them to choke down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
No, like I can see the mistakes that I've made. Professor Brooks, I want to hit the pause button real quick so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. And while you take a listen to our sponsors, I want you to share this conversation with somebody because the information that Professor Brooks is sharing will absolutely help whomever listens to this catapult their career. We all deserve that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Your ambition might mean that you want to make more money or land your dream job or just get the recognition and respect that you deserve at work. Well, this conversation today is a must-listen for you and for everyone that you care about because there are specific things that you can do based on the research to get what you deserve at work and in life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Don't go anywhere. There is so much more she's going to share with us after this short break. So stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And today you and I are getting to spend time together with Harvard Business School Professor Allison Wood Brooks and your distilling for us, Professor Brooks, some of the key takeaways from the most popular classes at Harvard Business School that you teach. And so where I want to go next is what are the mistakes that people make? when they go in and they're asking for more money or a promotion.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
How does knowing what somebody else needs help me get what I want?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, then how the hell am I going to know what my boss needs?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, you've also just signaled that you're now wanting to succeed and that you're not going to waste time guessing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
That you're willing to align and be flexible to cause more value for us.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So I think most of us probably wait until our annual or mid-year review to do this, but when is the best time?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Everything that you're about to learn today comes from 15 years of research from Harvard Business School professor, Alison Wood Brooks. She also has a brand new book, Talk, which is all about the science of communication. And it summarizes one of the most popular courses at HBS that she created and teaches.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, and the more you do that, the more you're in a dialogue where it's pretty clear you're a valuable contributor.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So let's say you're a shift worker, right? One of my daughters works at a restaurant. And let's just say she wants better shifts. Mm-hmm. How do you use this strategy to try to negotiate without being very direct around getting better shifts? And I'm not saying for the record that my daughter wants better shifts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
I'm just using it as an example because somebody might listen to this at the restaurant. Yes, exactly. But as a former waitress and bartender, I know when the schedule comes out and you're like, oh, another crappy shift.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Oh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
To earn that spot. Yes. What can I do to earn it? You know what I love about this is that oftentimes, and I'll speak as an employer and as a parent, Kids are constantly negotiating. Oftentimes, it feels a little bit like me against you. Yeah. And what I love about this strategy, Professor Brooks, is that all of a sudden you, in a very sneaky way, you made me with you. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And so there was nothing adversarial. There was nothing confrontational. It's not like you're making me wrong because I didn't put you on the great Saturday night shift. You're basically saying, what do I need to do to put myself in a position to be considered, which then allows me to be with you. Yeah. versus against you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Now, Professor Brooks took time to come over from her Harvard Business School classroom over across the river in Cambridge to be here in our Boston studios for one reason. She's doing it for you. Now, to put this in context, if you were to even get into Harvard Business School, I know I probably couldn't, it would cost you over $100,000 a year to attend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
I feel like my husband has taken your negotiation and your science of communication course because he constantly, when I start to get agitated about something, he'll be like, Mel, I'm not against you. We need to work on this thing together, which gets me out of that... like adversarial thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And I think we do feel that way, particularly at work, because money, livelihood, a sense of feeling good about yourself and that you're progressing, that you start to get really nervous about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, I think that's important because a lot of us have adversarial relationships with our boss or with our business partners. And we think they're against us. And it's a huge shift. And again, I'm going to remind you as you're listening, she's not making this up. I mean, this is what they're teaching at Harvard Business School. in the renowned course on negotiation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And this is what you are summarizing in your best-selling book, Talk, which is based on you teaching one of the most popular classes at Harvard Business School. Learning how to communicate and negotiate effectively is a important skill that helps you have more influence, make more money, be more effective with your family, with everybody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So let's say that you take this important advice and you actually have been peppering with small conversations. And you've been putting yourself in the person's shoes that you're now trying to get something from. Is there a certain time when to have the conversation if you've been having all the little conversations all along to try to understand their position?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
That sounds weak. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And today, you're getting the biggest takeaways distilled down for free. So if you have somebody in your life who needs to ask for a promotion, or maybe there's someone that you know that is entering what is a very tough job market right now, This conversation today and everything that Professor Brooks is about to share is going to give you a leg up and the confidence boost you need.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And we're also going to get into some groundbreaking research that changed my life. This is research that will help you nail any interview. It'll help you navigate a difficult conversation and destroy that presentation that's coming up, no matter how nervous you may be. Buckle up because class is in session and it's going to be a masterclass at that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Professor Allison Woodbrooks, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for having me. Well, congratulations on your bestselling new book, Talk, the Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves. And I cannot wait.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
to have you teach us exactly what to do so that we can get ahead in our careers, we can land our dream jobs, we can get paid what we deserve, and we can manage the stress and anxiety that comes from all things about making money and truly negotiating better. And so I just want to start by having you tell the person who's listening about your background,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
or somebody getting back into the workforce after taking time off having kids or caring for an aging parent, or somebody that got laid off and now their confidence has taken a hit. So you're kind of at ground zero. You know what I mean? You're like on LinkedIn, you're who can I network with? You're going and sending things to alumni from your high school and your college.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Is there something about networking that you want the person listening to really think about it differently. Because I do think when you're in that position where you don't have a job and you're like, where do I even begin? And my mom's telling me to reach out to this friend of hers that she knew five years ago and I don't even know what to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And you don't know, you know, because I've been there and you're just like, what the hell do I even say? Do you just come right out and say, I'm looking like, yes, yes. Professor Brooks, help me out here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So start with the informational. Like I'm looking for something. My mom, my dad, my neighbor, my roommate said you'd be a great person to talk to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
What would you start with?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
the classes that you teach at Harvard Business School and why they recruited you. They recruited you to come to Harvard Business School to teach negotiation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So if I can extrapolate that, because again, you're basically saying, just ask questions and be interested. And that's the opening for networking with somebody. Yeah. Because eventually, hopefully the person's going to come back and be like, so what did you study in school? Or what kind of thing are you looking for?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
What's a way to follow up with someone? So let's say you meet somebody at a barbecue. You end up asking a ton of questions. They're in a field that you're interested in because networking opportunities are everywhere. Everywhere. If you're willing to ask questions. But now it's time for the follow-up. How do I do that without feeling annoying or like I'm stalking somebody or I'm being like pushy?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Totally. Totally.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
How do you answer the question, Professor Brooks? So tell me about yourself. In an interview, seriously. Oh. Because I'm always like... You mean like today, right now? I don't know. What do you want to know? My pant size? Like what I had for breakfast? I feel the same way. I feel the same way. What's a way to answer that that's memorable and... just kind of influential.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Okay, stop. I freaking love that. And we're all stealing that. I'm going to share two things about my professional life and two things about my personal life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Unless you're at an STD clinic, which would make you very like effective at counseling to people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Seriously, because you hit play on the exact thing you need to listen to right now. Professor Brooks teaches two of the most popular courses at Harvard Business School. One is on the science of negotiation, the other one on the science of communication. The strategies and tactics that you're about to learn come from Professor Brooks' 15 years of research.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, let me tell you why we're all going to steal that answer of, I'm going to tell you two things about my professional life and two things that are personal. Number one, the framing immediately made you seem very smart and articulate and prepared. And the second thing that I loved about it is that if you're somebody who's nervous, it gives you a framework for you to prepare your answers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And when you say, I'm going to do too professional and too personal, you're cuing yourself that you have these things to share. Of course. And so I think that's genius. We better all steal it. And it brings me to the next thing I wanted to ask you about, which is one of the single biggest obstacles to networking is...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
to doing well on interviews, to negotiating what happens if they do offer you the job, which we'll get to in a minute, is nerves. Like you get so nervous about screwing it up that the nerves actually hijack your performance. And you have done groundbreaking research, research that I've been citing
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
for over seven years about the physiology of nerves and a research-backed hack or reframe or whatever you want to call it, a tool that you can use in these moments where it's appropriate to feel nervous because you care, but you can't allow it to hijack your performance. That's right. It saved my career.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
It's the thing that I use to overcome stage fright and become the most book female speaker on the planet. And without this simple reframe, I never would have built the career that I have.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So could you explain to the person listening, what was the research that you did about the connection between nerves and excitement and how you can use the findings from your research in moments where you're nervous?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Okay, so I want to put the person listening at the scene. So if you're about to walk into the interview of your life, or you're about to walk into your annual review, or you're about to walk in and give the biggest presentation of your school career or your whatever professional career...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
As you're pacing in the hallway and your armpits are like waterfalls and your heart is racing and your throat is dry and you feel the thump, thump, thump, thump, thump of your heart because you're about to go do this thing that you care about and you want to do it well, You're saying as you're pacing, don't go, calm down, calm down. It's going to be fine. You're like, no.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And let me just say, it's not just any course. This course has a wait list. I mean, students are trying to negotiate their way into this course. And before we jump into some of the research and the specific things that you're going to tell us
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So as you're pacing in the hallway and your heart is racing and your armpits are sweating and your palms are super clammy, how exactly does saying, I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm excited to give this presentation, I'm excited to ask for this raise, I'm excited to have this interview, how exactly does that work? Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Tell me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
That's amazing. And didn't you also in the research find that when you tested the reframe of saying, I'm excited, I'm excited, that people performed better?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Because they didn't derail their preparation? Because if you get yourself so worked up before a speech or an interview or a talk with your boss, all the preparation goes out the window if you stress yourself out too much by going, I'm going to blow it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've got butterflies. You
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
to do in order to get promoted, in order to negotiate a higher salary, in order to find and land our dream jobs, and to also combat the nerves that come from negotiating and having difficult conversations at work or in our life. Can you just talk a little bit about some of the biggest takeaways that the person listening might find very surprising from the Harvard negotiation course?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, you know what's also cool is that typically in those situations when we're nervous and we get the butterflies and we start to feel anxious and then you start to think about all the things that could go wrong, you think something's wrong. You're actually saying, no, no, no, no, this is a mentally healthy response to being in a situation when you care about the outcome.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Are there any rules of thumb, Professor Brooks, where you've gone through the process of networking and getting an interview and now you've got the final interview? Is there anything that you should say at the end of the final interview that actually helps you land the job?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Like, should you ask for it? Is there anything in the research around negotiation on this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So Professor Brooks, if you take into account like the decade of research that you've done on the science of conversation, teaching two of the most popular courses at Harvard Business School, what do you think
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Is the most important lesson or piece of research or behavior change that the person listening should take away of everything that you shared today that would have the biggest impact on their confidence and their ability to communicate and be influential?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
You know, maybe it's all the training as a lawyer, but I've always thought about negotiation as making a case. I know. and winning. And you just flipped it all in its head. It's actually about prioritizing the other person and figuring out what they want and then reframing what you need and want from their point of view.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Wow. It's so counterintuitive. No wonder you have to go to Harvard to learn this. I guess not, though, because you just shared it for free here on the Mel Robbins Podcast. Professor Allison Wood Brooks, the book is Talk, the Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves. Congratulations on it being a bestseller. What are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
I love that. And the reason why I love that is because I think particularly if you're taking this advice and you're trying to apply it to creating more meaningful career,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
feeling like you're more influential, feeling like your contributions get recognized, whether it's at home or at school or in the workplace or in your business, you can get very discouraged if you get to one light bulb that doesn't light up. Yeah. And I love that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
image because if you're at a moment where you feel like you've gotten a lot of no's or closed doors, those actually are light bulbs on the string. Yeah. And your job is to just keep going to the next one and trust that eventually you're going to get to the one that shines super bright.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Professor Alison Woodbrooks, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mel. And thank you for being here, for investing in yourself, for sharing this. I know you're going to share this with a ton of people. And I also know that everything that you learned today from all this research at Harvard Business School is going to help you be more influential.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
It's going to help you nail the interviews and do the networking because you do deserve to have a career that makes you proud of yourself. And now you got some of the tools that are going to help you go create it. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Now take everything that Alison Wood Brooks taught you today and go make it happen. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode as soon as you hit play. I'll see you there. That was so good because it was so counterintuitive. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a normal Harvard professor. So if you're a shift worker, hold on a second. She's also a bestselling author, a behavioral thought.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Oh my God. Oh my God. Exact techniques that will help you master the art of community. After today, you're going to learn the exact techniques that can help you master the art of... Oh my God. So without further ado, please help me welcome... Oh my God. Fantastic. Okay, great. That's a wrap. This is so fun, you guys. I can't believe this is what you get to do. It's kind of crazy we get to do this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
I wanna make sure I heard you correctly because if I think about negotiating, whether it's for a higher salary or it's just trying to get the better deal at a car dealership or it is winning any kind of argument, I would think that you need to be firm and blustery and know your value and kind of have the right things to say. But if I'm hearing you correctly,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
You just said that the best negotiators based on the research are people that understand the needs of the person they're trying to get something from? Of course, yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So I want to take all of the research, And the biggest takeaways from the incredibly popular classes that you teach at Harvard, and I want to apply them to getting ahead in your career, getting a job that is your dream job, networking effectively, managing nerves when you have to have tough conversations. And I want to go through this one by one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
What is the single biggest factor that determines whether or not somebody actually gets promoted or paid more at work?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
It's what she's teaching at Harvard Business School. It's the subject of her new best-selling book, Talk. And today, well, today, she is in our Boston studios to share all of this with you and your loved ones. So whether you're about to graduate,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
You know, that makes sense because I remember seeing somewhere this research about the single biggest factor is that determines whether or not a woman in particular gets promoted or somebody that is a minority gets promoted, and it's whether or not their contributions are known. And if you really stop and think, if you're somebody who is quiet,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
and you're hoping people know what you're doing, and you're not a good communicator because it's not a skill that you've practiced or because your nerves get the best of you, then you're leaving it to hope and chance that you're going to get recognized. Yeah. Because your contributions being known is largely determined by whether or not you can communicate effectively.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
You know, I just had this happen because we found out that we are the number one ranked podcast in the world on Apple Podcasts. I mean, it's like I never in a million years imagined a world where I would see the Mel Robbins podcast ahead of Joe Rogan. Yeah. And It's funny because even somebody that listens to this show twice a week, every week wouldn't know that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Because you're not paying attention to the charts. That's right. It's not until I actually say that this is something that has happened that you're aware of this thing that has happened. And I almost don't want to say it because I feel like, okay, I'm bragging and then you're not going to like me and then you're going to think I'm full. What? let them. I gotta follow my own advice.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
or you're entering the workforce, or you're a shift worker, or a corporate executive, or you're just tired of having the overnight shift at the hospital, your friend Mel Robbins is going to tell you, you deserve more respect, you deserve to be paid for your contributions, and you have more influence than you think. Today, with the help of Professor Brooks, you're going to learn how to unleash it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
But what were you gonna say, Professor?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
I think a great rule of thumb is to assume that nobody at work actually knows what you're working on. That's right. Unless you are very good at communicating and you're making it known. I have a question because at Harvard Business School, y'all do a lot of research on what makes for effective CEOs and what makes for influential leaders at work. And this applies to all of us, this research.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
It's not just somebody in a company. This is about whether or not you do a good job leading a group of volunteers to do something, whether or not you're a good leader in the little league kind of system that everybody and all your friends are coaching in. Leadership is a function of your ability to influence other people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
So when you look at the research that is done at Harvard Business School, what is the most kind of overlooked skill? of great leaders.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Well, it's true because if I think about wanting to be successful, whether it's launching a business or having a side hustle or just continuing to get promoted and feel like I'm growing at work or to land my dream job and network effectively, I'm thinking more about these things I'm supposed to do
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
But I'm not thinking a lot about the importance of mastering the skill of communication along the way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
And Professor Brooks, you've already said something twice now that I wanna highlight, that I wanna make sure that the person listening
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Because I know this is one of these conversations that is going to get shared, particularly probably with parents and grandparents down to, you know, nephews and nieces and sons and daughters around looking for jobs and actually being successful and influential in your career.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
You have now said twice in talking about the science and research around being effective as a leader and a communicator, that it's about helping the other person or understanding what the other person wants and that being a key component of this skill of communication. So if I take that nugget and I now say, okay, How the heck does that apply to me wanting to ask for a raise?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Like, isn't there a script that I need to follow where I march in and I'm confident and I ask for what I want and negotiate in a really powerful way and that means I'm going to get it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor
Because what she's going to share with you, it's going to blow your mind and catapult you forward in your career. Because this is a free masterclass from one of the most popular professors at Harvard Business School. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. It's always such an honor to be able to spend time with you and be together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, I have a confession. I just learned, I'm almost embarrassed to tell you this, that for the last 40 years of my life, I've been exercising all wrong. And I bet you or someone that you love have too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I've just carried that over. And I also then tell myself a story that I'm going to get a cramp or I'm going to like want to throw up in my mouth if I'm doing something too much and I've had too much to eat. And so this is a completely different change. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So every woman listening and every woman in your life, if you're listening and you're male, needs to know that one of the biggest mistakes that we're making by following male-centric fitness advice is we need, as women... biologically and physiologically speaking, to actually have something to eat first thing when we get up? Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So the first change already, small change, but critical one for our biology and physiology is you need to eat something before you move or exercise in the morning. And to also, I think like the bigger thing here for me is that I'm starting to realize I've been so brainwashed about the fact that you need to be thin that it's a paradigm shift
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
to actually think, well, wait a minute, I need to learn how to work with my body and my natural wiring to make it work for me and to actually optimize the way that my body's designed as a woman.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And so she is gonna take you and me down the list of all the things that we have been told to do that are actually backfiring. That cold plunge, you and I are doing it wrong. The reps you're doing with all those weights, doing them wrong. Intermittent fasting, probably not for you. And if you, like me, have worked out on an empty stomach, you're never gonna do that again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
You mentioned protein coffee. Yeah. Can you explain what that is and how that might satisfy the first takeaway, which is eat before you move in the morning?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Well, you've changed my life already. Yay. Because I've got two takeaways. The first one is, and I still want to stay on it so I actually understand why eating first thing before I move my body and having fuel first thing in the morning is actually super important. And I want to unpack that a little bit more, but I want to hover on the protein coffee because I'm drinking it right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
You made me one in our studios here in Boston. This is going to change my life, and here's why. I have struggled forever since I've learned, and a lot of us are learning as women, that focusing on more protein and especially getting protein first thing in the morning is super important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And I'm always struggling with how the hell am I going to get 30 grams of protein first thing in the morning without choking down 10 egg whites? Yeah. And what do I do if I'm on the go? And what do I do if I'm tired of eggs? And what do I do if I don't have a blender near me and my stuff? What do I... And so you literally...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
You're about to learn how to get better results in less time and less effort. Working with your female body, not against it. It's time for you and me and every single woman in your life to start exercising like a woman needs to. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am absolutely thrilled that you're here. I feel so excited about what we're talking about today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
took a scoop of protein, shoved it in milk, put in espresso, stirred it up and put on ice. It tastes like a fricking milkshake. And what I love about this is that A, I can make it the night before. B, it's 30 grams of protein in a cup, which C means I could even take this on the walk with me. I could take this in the car if I'm dropping my kids off somewhere. I could make this on the road.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Like this is such an incredible tip. So thank you for that. You're welcome. What I want to do though, Dr. Sims, is you mentioned that when women wake up, our brains are different than the guys and our stress levels are higher. And it is important to understand that and to give yourself a little bit of fuel. What happens in your body
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
If you do start eating breakfast in the morning or use, because a lot of women skip it. A lot of women are now intermittent fasting. A lot of people are waiting until noon. A lot of people don't want to eat before they exercise because they don't want cramps or they like actually want to maximize calorie burn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
But what is the benefit to a woman in particular first thing in the morning if you give yourself fuel?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Wait a minute. So not eating and not eating because you think it's going to help you lose weight actually- Counterproductive. Is counterproductive because it's signaling your body to stay in fight or flight, which makes your body hold on to fat? Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Wow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Now, does eating first thing in the morning, because you mentioned the circadian rhythm, for a woman also help you sleep better at night? Absolutely. How come?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
It is going to be liberating. It's such an honor to spend time with you, to be together with you, but especially when we're going to have a conversation that is going to light you on fire and make you feel both mad and empowered. Let's freaking go. And if you're a new listener, I want to take a moment and just welcome you. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I thought it was because I had to pee. It's also because of the low blood sugar? Mm-hmm. Dr. Sinton, where the hell have you been? Like I needed you in my life like decades ago.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
This is so eyeopening. Like already you have highlighted so many differences between men and women just in the morning. just in the stress levels, just in the fuel that we need in the morning, in the muscle composition, like all of it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And it also is very illuminating because it makes a lot of sense then as to why the programs that work for Chris and seem to work like magic actually leave me frustrated and tired. Yeah. So what would be the ideal breakfast option For anyone, whether like, and let's just talk about the person who just wants to move more. They want to take better care of their body.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
They want to understand how their body works so that you're getting better results and you're feeling better in your life. So what would breakfast look like just on an average morning if, you know, for anybody?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And boy, have you picked a winner of a conversation to listen to. Because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I already know about you. You're the type of person who values your health. You want the facts. You want the science. You want results. And that's what you deserve. And if someone sent this to you, That's really cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I have just so screwed this up. Like I literally wake up, I delay the coffee, I exercise on an empty stomach. I then have my coffee, which I'm then drinking on an empty stomach, which means I've now maximized stressing myself out. And then I'm slamming something that has 30, 45 grams of protein after I work out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And so what have you done if you are the kind of person like I am that you've bought into all the BS and And you've basically been starving yourself in the morning. And even if you get out for a walk, how are you kind of actually not only not getting the benefit, but you're making it worse?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
What's happening in like the person's body when you do not feed yourself first thing in the morning as a woman?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Dr. Sims, I have so many more questions, but I want to hit the pause button real quick and let's take a quick break so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. And I also want to ask you directly, share this with women in your life. Everything that Dr. Sims is saying is blowing my mind and changing the way that I am going to start living my life starting tomorrow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And this research is so important and so are the medical facts and the women that you care about deserve to hear this. So please share it. And don't go anywhere because Dr. Sims and I are going to be waiting for you after this short break. Stay with me. Welcome back, it's your buddy Mel Robbins, and today you and I have the honor of getting to learn from the extraordinary Dr. Stacey Sims.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And we're learning about the specific things that women need to do to understand their health and to take control of their bodies and their strength and the potential of their life. So, Dr. Sims, so if you've been brainwashed like I am, and you're exercising because you are trying to, like, lose weight or you're trying to look thin, Mm-hmm.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
What is happening if I continue to go down that route where I don't eat before I exercise and I'm basically starving myself and I'm going for my walk and I'm delaying food?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
It's because they care about you and they want you to have the science and the facts and the correct information so that you can take better care of yourself too. I cannot wait for you and I to learn from Dr. Stacey Sims today. Now, Dr. Sims is a globally recognized expert in women's health, exercise physiology, and nutrition science. She has a PhD in exercise physiology and nutrition science.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
She's on the faculty at Stanford teaching about lifestyle medicine and at Auckland University of Technology teaching sports medicine. She is a renowned researcher and has directed research programs at Stanford, Auckland University of Technology, and the University of Waikato. And she has published, check this out, 107 peer-reviewed research papers, which in normal person speak is a ton.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And I just want to break this down because the conversation that I just had with the expert that you're about to meet, who is on the faculty at Stanford, has a PhD, 107 peer-reviewed research studies, she is going to break down all of the mistakes that women are making when it comes to nutrition and exercise. I mean, this is going to blow your mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Her research has revolutionized how women, mm-hmm, women, approach fitness, especially during menopause and hormone changes. She's the author of two groundbreaking books, Roar and The Next Level. She also has a daughter, and just like me, is in her mid-50s, juggling a big career, a marriage, motherhood, and hormone changes. She has so much to teach you today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
,,,,,, ,,,,,,, on how to be strong in situations that are stressful. So the more that you walk and the more that you build muscle and the more that you take the advice that you're about to give us about what we should specifically be doing as women, fast forward six months from now, if you keep doing that and you're sitting in a stressful meeting at work,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And we are gonna go straight for the bro science. We are going to tell you the mistakes and the lies that you've been told. We're gonna tell you the truth based on the research about what works for women and what doesn't. We're gonna teach you why the things that you've been doing have been backfiring.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
The impact of that outside stress on you is going to be way less because you and your life have been strengthening your body by going to the gym and going for a walk so that your body can actually be in stressful situations and not get hijacked.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Dr. Sims, I want to take a quick pause and I also want to give you a chance to share this with women and young women in your life. And please don't go anywhere because I know you know there's so much more that Dr. Sims is going to be teaching us and we're going to get to it after a very short break. So stay with us. Welcome back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Today, you and I are with Stanford's Dr. Stacey Sims, and we are learning so much. I'm so excited by this conversation. And, you know, you've talked a lot about strength training. Why is strength training so important for women in particular?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
It's because you have been exercising like a dude and it is time for you to exercise like a woman. I am so fired up for you to be here. I am fired up to learn with you. And I am fired up for all of the women and the young women in your life that you're going to share this with. So please help me welcome Dr. Stacey Sims to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Oh, yes. I thought there was a game you were talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I have a feeling you're not going to be using a walker. I have a feeling you're going to be the one teaching us all how to lift weights when we're 90 years old in the nursing home together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So what is the biology behind building muscle and how is it different for men versus women? Like what do women need to know?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Dr. Stacey Sims, I am so thrilled that you're here in our Boston studios. I've been waiting a long time to be able to sit down, meet you, and learn from you. I'm just thrilled that you're here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Okay, well, let's just use an avatar of somebody who is just starting, okay? So, like, we're going to, like, what's the bare minimum, doctors? I'm looking for something I can succeed at. Five sets sounds like a lot to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Wow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So that's very good news, Dr. Sims. You know, I'm about to ask you a bunch of questions about like the specifics of what we should be doing. But I had one question. You know, whenever I'm complaining about my body or, you know, feeling out of shape or whatever it is that I want to change. My husband always turns to me and says, well, don't forget, abs are built in the kitchen, not in the gym.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Yeah. Is this like a man's... Is that what works for men? That works for men, definitely.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Because when I hear that... Abs are built in the kitchen, not in the gym. I'm like, am I supposed to starve myself? Like, what are you talking about?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Yes, and we have a lot to dig into. And so here's where I want to start. Could you speak directly to the person that's listening? And this is somebody who doesn't have a lot of time, but they made the time to be here to learn from you. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
This is not fair. No. Because I don't understand my own body. I know.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And I've been listening to the bro science of my stupid husband telling me the advice that works for him. And he's only trying to help. So why does it not work that way for women?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Wow. Because I would be a happy woman if I never had to do a crunch again. And so if I'm actually lifting, that could be true. So let's talk about the specific things we should be doing. Okay. What is the minimum amount of exercise that a woman needs to maintain her health and to be strong?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
What could that person expect might change about their life or feel different if they take everything to heart that you're about to teach us and share with us today and they use it in their own life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Okay. Because we're talking bare minimums. And talk to me about cardio because we've all been so obsessed with cardio. So is cardio a good thing? Is it a bad thing? So cardio is interesting because it's about intensity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Okay, so let me make sure I'm tracking. So one thing that you would tell us to do is to do sprint training, which sounds horrible, but it actually, as you broke it down, was like, oh, I could do that. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
30 seconds or less of something that's high intensity, whether you're sprinting on a treadmill or you're doing kettlebell swings or you're doing pushups or you're doing jumping jacks or just something. Right. And then you rest for a minute and a half?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And burning fat in 30 seconds of effort. Yeah. I mean, I am actually going to do that. Good. That sounds like something, because when you were going the box, I'm like, I think I can absolutely do that. And again, I also love that it doesn't take a lot of time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Lifting three days a week. Mm-hmm. And that sprint training we just heard of 30 second bursts, full recovery for a minute and a half to two minutes and try to do it five times maximum.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So if you had to bottom line what a woman should be doing in her 20s versus her 30s versus her 40s versus 50s and up, what would it be?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Your hormones change. And now the 10 to 12 reps that we've all been socialized to do does not work, which is why we all start bitching about the fact that our bodies are not responding to what we always used to do. This makes a lot of sense, Dr. Sims.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I'm definitely lifting way too light and I am lifting far too much of it. Like the little tiny two pound weights with the- Oh, put those down. Put those down. Like those aren't doing anything for my chicken wing arms? No, not at all. Okay. Not at all. Well, that explains it because I'm like, why does this hurt so much? And I'm getting zero result here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Wow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Gotcha. So the general takeaway here is, is that when we hit that sort of late 30s to 40s mark and our estrogen is dropping and our bodies are changing and we're not getting the same results, you got to really focus on these sprint trainings and also doing weight training where the load is heavier, but the reps are shorter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
One thing that strikes me about you already is that you actually exude that. Oh, thanks. You have a level of presence and power in your body, and it's not just because you are in incredibly great shape in terms of muscle definition, but it's actually something that's noticeable. And so I think this goes beyond sort of that sense of separation of stress.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So I have another question from a listener named Erin. Okay. Is it better to use machines or free weights?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I would love to have you talk directly to the person listening who has never stepped foot in a gym. Because I do think, you know, even though I'm in shape and I know a little bit about what I should be doing, I always feel intimidated when I go to a gym because there's always guys, like it's filled with guys and there's more and more women, which is great.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
But if I walk into a gym, even at a hotel and I'm seeing all the machines and then I see the free weight space and then I see the little space and I don't know exactly what I should be doing. Right. Right. I don't stay long and I leave. And I would love to have you since you've been in this industry for so long, talk to the person who wants to do something and wants to learn about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
But the idea of actually walking into the local gym is just daunting. Yep. So what do you want them to know, though, about the people at the front desk and the way that people at a gym think about somebody new walking in?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Like what I experience in just sitting here with you is that you're actually embodied in the present and in your body. And a lot of times when we're stressed out, especially, you know, as caregivers and the amount of stuff that we do, we're up in our heads and disconnected from our body. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And so I'm excited to really learn from you because I want to feel more like the centered confidence and calmness that you just seem to move through a space with. I'm good with a facade.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And I appreciate the list of resources and we'll make sure to link to those in the show notes. So I have a bunch of burning questions that listeners submitted. Okay. Yeah. And we may have covered some of this, but I'm just going to hit these so that I make sure to cover the things that people kept writing in about that they wanted you to answer, Dr. Sims. Okay. Can you talk about cold plunging?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Sure. Should women be doing it? What are the mistakes that we're making? What's the difference between men and women and cold plunging?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Well, I mean, I live in Southern Vermont, so there's always like an ice slick on the thing and you're like having to take an ax and, you know, cut off the top of the barrel or keep an agricultural bubbler in it to keep it from freezing. It's got to be at least 32 degrees. Yeah, too cold. And my husband gets in it and he's like... freaking like meditation Zen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
He just gets in, sits down, he starts shivering. I climb in that sucker and I'm like, and then I can barely breathe. I never shiver. Right. And the shivering is what you're supposed to be doing in there?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
After learning everything that she's about to share with you based on all of her research, I, as a woman, I feel like I've been gaslit by bro science and the male fitness industry, for real. Like literally all of the things that I've been doing that work for guys don't work for women. And you need to understand this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And if you do this in 55 degree water, so it's more cool, it's not ice cold. Right. What is the benefit to a woman's body by doing a cold plunge and how long should you be in it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I keep forgetting you live in New Zealand. I'm like, why are you talking Celsius? I'm like, okay, that's why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
That's all true science.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Amazing. So you have such an incredible background, and I'm actually going to read it because it's quite a bit. You know, I've talked about this when I was introducing you, but you have a PhD in exercise physiology. You're a researcher. You're a former professional athlete. You now train professional athletes. You're an expert in exercise physiology.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
You have a long list of other specialties like cardiovascular disease prevention, thermoregulation, women's health. You are a pioneering researcher that participates in her own studies. And you have this incredible mantra, Dr. Simms. Women are not small men. Yeah. What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. ,,,,,,,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
,,,,,, ,,,,,,, I love you for the fact that you're willing to say, you know what, screw it. I am going to go into that gym and I am going to do something uncomfortable because I deserve to feel good in my body. And that means I need to start prioritizing doing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And now what I really love for all of us is that Dr. Stacey Sims gave us a matter of fact, science-backed, simple step-by-step guide to exactly what to do to work with the design of your body as a woman. Now all you need to do is go do it. Alrighty, I will be waiting for you in the very next episode. I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So, can I call you Dr. Sims? You can, or Stacey.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
But sure. I'm just going to run through it. I believe it. Oh, man. Here we go. Did you shove a banana down? No, I had some turkey. Oh, good. In the fridge that I made on Sunday and brought down in my little Tupperware dish. Nice. So I have something clean to eat for just that exact reason. Literally picked up the 120 and went like in my arms like this. Like I had to use this hand to get it up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And here's another thing that you're going to love about her. I'm like, why are the meat wings still flapping? This is like working for my 23-year-old, but not me. Yeah, yeah. Now I know why. Now you know why. Come on out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
What does that motto, women are not small men, mean in practice?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I am so glad that we're starting here because I am constantly shocked at the things that I think I should be doing. And the things that I hear a lot of male health experts talking about are a lot of the bro science or a lot of the kind of bro experts and the fitness trends that are very dude oriented. No offense to the guys. I'm just saying that
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
It often has felt like to me, as I've learned more and more, like, oh my God, wait a minute. We've just kind of treated women and our health almost like if you're golfing. There's the T that's further back for the guys. And there's the T that's a little bit like closer for the women. And we're just going to treat everybody the same, but shrink it a little bit. Yep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
I mean, this is one of the most life-changing conversations I have had since I started this podcast over two years ago. Starting tomorrow, I am a different person because I understand why my husband can do certain things, and next thing you know, he looks great. I do him? Nope. And have you ever heard that saying, abs are made in the kitchen? That's not true if you're a woman.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Shrink and pink is what we called it in the industry. Shrink and pink.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Well, the other thing that I think has been like really fascinating, we're going to get into this, is just that a lot of the research has only been done on men. And there hasn't been research on how certain things have an impact on women and our hormones and our body structure and our composition, which is, as you've already said, fundamentally different than that of somebody who's male.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And so I'm excited for you to take us step by step by step and help us kind of tee up all the assumptions that we've all just kind of come to assume that work for men but don't work for women, and what we need to know and need to be doing to actually work with our bodies and take better care of ourselves. Perfect.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So what's the most common mistake that women make by following male-centric fitness advice?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Oh, so that's what I would always do. Like I would always literally like, I'm going to eat after because my husband would eat after. And then we would, my mouth is on the floor. You can see this on YouTube, but like, as you're listening, I'm processing this because I'm thinking how often I've been pissed off at Chris, my husband, because we will take on some challenge together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And I'm like, this is not fair. Like, how is it that this is actually making you lose weight? And I feel like I'm puffier and fluffier and tired and pissed off. And I'm following the same steps. I'm doing the intermittent fasting. I'm not eating beforehand. I'm slamming the thing after I'm doing it. And I'm like, what the hell is going on? And this is because he's male and I'm female.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
So if you're wondering why all the cardio in the world isn't working, why the nonstop yoga and HIIT classes are just not hitting, it's because you're exercising like a dude. It's time that you wake up and realize, like our expert says, women are not small men. Women have fundamentally different biology. In fact, even our muscular structure is different.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
Are you with me? Like, are you in my house with me? Maybe. Stacey, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, I think a lifetime of messaging about like thin is preferable. Yeah. and that I want to maximize calories burned. So I'm going to get up and I'm going to have a cup of coffee because I'm tired and I'm going to wire myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Body Reset: How Women Should Eat & Exercise for Health, Fat Loss, & Energy
And then I, you know, back in the day would be going for a run or going to some sort of like fitness class. You know, I'm old enough to have been doing step aerobics and everything else. Right there with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Have you ever walked away from a conversation or a meeting at work and felt smaller? Like somehow after the conversation, you realize, wow, my confidence just got chipped away a little. And as you think about what just happened, Maybe you realize someone interrupted you or corrected you or dismissed what you had to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
I also want to take a moment and acknowledge you for taking time to listen to something that could truly help you live a better life. And I love what you and I are going to be talking about on today's episode, because we're going to get to spend some time today with the incredible trial lawyer, Jefferson Fisher.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
That's beautiful. Yeah. Really beautiful. Yeah. So what was the phrase that helped the parents stop arguing in the foster situation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Can you give me an example?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
So let's say you're standing in the aisle at the grocery store and you grab detergent and your spouse then questions the detergent.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And these are these little things that become big things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And you're saying that you're standing there in the grocery aisle and you say, do we have to agree on this right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
No, it's not that big of a deal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And what I love about it, though, is it's a very kind way to cue someone else that they're pushing an argument on you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
What is the best way to handle the knock, knock, knock? You got five minutes and you know that with this person, it's 48. How do you respond to that to protect your time?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
I wouldn't be surprised if you've actually seen him online because every single day, millions of people watch the videos that Jefferson makes from the front seat of his car in between his court cases and meetings with his clients. Jefferson's strategies for handling belittlement, gaslighting, fake apologies, toxic behavior, and difficult conversations are game changers. Boom. He is so good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Amazing. Jefferson, I need to take a quick break so we can hear a word from our sponsors. But I have a couple more questions about this topic of how you de-escalate. And I'm curious if you have more strategies. And so let's hear a word from our sponsors. Make sure you share this episode with anyone in your life who could really use it, which is basically everybody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And don't go anywhere because Jefferson and I will be waiting for you after a short break. And we're going to keep on talking about how you de-escalate conflict and arguments. in a minute. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. You and I are getting to spend time with the amazing Jefferson Fisher.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
So Jefferson, you mentioned that there are a number of phrases that you teach people to help you deescalate. Are there others that come to mind other than, is this something we need to agree on right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
It goes back to your earlier point that it's a person that doesn't feel like they're being heard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
You forget that because what people say, it does have an emotional impact on you. You are going to react, but you get to choose how you respond.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
I'm so excited. So let's get into it. Jefferson Fisher, I am so thrilled you're back on the Mel Robbins podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Yeah. You immediately internalize it and you have no idea what's actually going on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
How do you handle somebody that kind of belittles you? They're like picking on your weight or they're constantly like, are you still single? Like, you know how people like, especially people that you're close with have a way of belittling you? Right. What do you do in those situations?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
I'm thinking of like using this with a couple people in my life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
We need to role play this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And congratulations on your new book, The Next Conversation, Argue Less, Talk More.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
I'm trying to think of a scenario.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Wow. Yeah. This is like very eye-opening because I can see both situations where I need to use it And I can see situations where I probably say things, and I'm thinking particularly to my adult kids, that probably feels belittling. I can think about our daughter out in Los Angeles, and every time I see her, she's wearing a piece of clothing that I don't recognize.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Well, I can't wait to dig in to the topic of how you can communicate effectively and hold on to your power, particularly when you're dealing with difficult people, challenging situations. But before we get into the tactics, can you just talk to the person listening?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And so I think to myself, and oftentimes I will say, is that new? And I'm thinking in my mind, where do you get the money for this? You know, like that kind of thing. And then she's like, yeah, I thrifted it. And there's this little tiff thing. But if she were to say to me, are you trying to embarrass me?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Because you're right. The question is what I'm saying on the surface. But what I'm actually accusing her of is not being responsible with her money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Holy cow. How do you respond to disrespect?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
What do you do? I was with somebody yesterday who had just visited their mother. And I said to her, you know, like, how did it go? And she said, well, it was fine, but it's my mother. And the thing that drives me crazy is she is extremely disrespectful.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
to anybody that is waiting on us at a restaurant, like so much so that the owner came over and said something to her. Is there a way to respond when someone else is throwing a fit or is being disrespectful? You know what I mean? Like somebody is getting testy at the airport and they're with you. It's not a complete stranger. Is there something that you could say to somebody in that situation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And if they take everything that you're about to teach them from your new book and they put it to use in their life, what are they going to experience?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
How did you do that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Oh, my gosh. Do you have strategies, Jefferson, for dealing with your own emotions when you're dealing with somebody who's got a very difficult personality?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And shoulders, like pulling back?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Well, what's interesting about all your techniques is it's literally about saying less and understanding that you can't ever control what somebody else says, thinks, or does, or what their emotional reaction is going to be. All of the power is on your side of the table. And using your breath, using distance, Using a technique of saying less so they have less to work with.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Lowering your voice, deciding what you're going to respond to and what deserves a response and what doesn't and who's worth the time and who isn't. What is worth pouring your energy into. And when you start to own that side of the power, you realize you're actually always in control.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Me. That's what I'm realizing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
That is such an empowering way, Jefferson, to think about being more confident. I just love that. And one of the other things that I love that you talk about is gaslighting. I know it's one of the topics that you discuss a lot online. We get a lot of questions about it. And so that's what we're going to dig into after we hear a short word from our sponsors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Do not go anywhere because Jefferson and I are going to lead you through what you need to say and do the next time someone gaslights you. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm here with Jefferson Fisher. Aren't you loving this? I am loving this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
So let's dig in to a topic, Jefferson, that you get a lot of questions about, and that is how do you handle someone who's gaslighting you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
What I love about your work and the reason why I'm so excited about your book is because it is really unsettling to have to deal with somebody that is a difficult personality. And I want to invite you as you're listening. to the conversation today and getting to spend some time learning from Jefferson, I want you to think about someone in your life that is really difficult.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
There's somebody in my family who just loves, like, you know, the kind of person that just loves to poke.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
They love to just say something controversial. They love to just kind of throw a zinger of a opinion out there. And it's so offensive or like, eh, that you kind of stop and think, you don't even believe that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Like, you're just looking to get a rise out of somebody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Is that the situation where you would go, I just think about things differently?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
The wet blanket. The wet blanket. Just like on a fire. Exactly. Just throw a wet blanket on the fire. Because there are times where I literally just want to be like, you're a complete idiot. And then I think, why are you taking the bait? This is literally like somebody fishing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
They're throwing something out to see if you snatch onto it, then you grab it and you're like, and next thing you know, you're in the middle of this thing and you're not even sure why you're even debating this topic. And I have a hard time, I think, being the wet blanket, especially when I think somebody's an idiot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
I don't know. I feel like maybe I'd be more powerful and calm. You're such a nice, kind person. I can't even imagine going up against you in trial because it would burn me up about how kind you are and how nice you are in the courtroom. And most lawyers are very just... I've had that comment. You have?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Jefferson, I think you actually just shared the secret of life. No, seriously, don't give someone else an enemy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And this isn't about being somebody who is soft. And it's not about letting people trample all over you. It's actually an incredibly powerful position to be mindful and protective of your time and your energy. And who is worth your time and what is worth your energy and what conversations deserve a response and which ones deserve silence.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
I can't imagine you behind a drum set. You should have seen me. Did you ever have long hair?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Oh, wow. Okay. Now, this is your point. The person you're talking to is not the person that they are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
How do you deal with a narcissistic personality style? Somebody that is always about them. I'm thinking about a number of friends that are divorced and have a ex that they share kids with. And you're getting the long texts and a lot of make wrong. And how do you deal with somebody that is, first of all, never going to change?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
It might be an ex-spouse and you had a contentious breakup or divorce and you have to deal with them because of the kids. Maybe it's your mom or your father-in-law or a brother-in-law. Maybe you have a issue with a child or a boss at work, just like tension. frustration, grudges, like all these things that can really make the dynamic challenging.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And second, you have to figure out how to navigate communication with them because of the kids or because you work for this person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Wow. How do you broach with somebody who you care about who's like in a bad mood or they're really intense and they're that way a lot? Because I've tried to, and it feels like poking a grizzly. Like, are you upset about something? Or, you know, like, is there, like, why, like,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Because I know that everything that you're going to learn from Jefferson today is going to help you hold on to your power whenever you are going to need to deal with this person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Did you mean to teach us all how to be better communicators?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
How is it that you learned to assume good intent about people?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And one of the things I'd love for you to just explain is how did the experience of being a trial lawyer really prime you and your expertise in being able to deal effectively with somebody who has a challenging personality or is argumentative? Like, how did that shape you in the way that you approach this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Oh, I love that. What are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Jefferson Fisher, thank you. Thank you for having me. You're freaking awesome. Thanks, Mel. I want to make sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life. And what I loved about the conversation today is you were reminded of the truth. You have the power. Stop giving it to other people and to especially people that are difficult.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
You know, there's this one person in my life who literally rolls their eyes as I'm talking and they think that I can't see it, but I can see you at the end of the table rolling your eyes as I'm trying to say something. Or have you ever gotten one of those apologies where someone was like, I'm sorry, that's how you feel. And you think, wait a minute, was that actually an apology?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Your power is in your response. It's in your breath. It's in what you say and when you say it. And I know that you now feel empowered based on everything that Jefferson just shared with you today. So please go use it. And I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Now you're making me insecure. I talk too much. I vent my feelings in text to certain people. Oh, my gosh. I got a lot of work to do. I feel like I need to have all of your little phrases, the Jeffersonisms, I'm going to call them, on a card. And I would go through it as part of my morning routine. Now, remember, Mel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
There's one in here. You're freaking awesome.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
So the thing that I'm already taking away is that even viewing someone as being super difficult or being narcissistic in their personality type or holding grudges or negative or whatever label you want to put, That right there is already a problem because you already flipped it on its head and said, this is just a person that wants attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
This is a person who wants to be understood and they don't feel understood, which is why you're getting all that negativity on the surface. And so if you, number one,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
if I'm listening and hearing you correctly, if you even just flip your viewpoint about this person to, hey, this is just another human being who has not the best way of trying to get themselves understood, that right there already lowers the intensity of the interaction.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
No, that wasn't an apology. That was belittlement. And today, trial lawyer Jefferson Fisher is here in our Boston studios, and you and I are going to dive deep into how to respond to disrespect, to gaslighting, and exactly what to do when someone says, I was just joking. One takeaway at a time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
How do you deal with somebody who's, who whenever they get overwhelmed or upset, they're like, nobody ever listens to me. Like, how do you respond to that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
That was masterful. And I know I'm not the only one, Jefferson, who is now going to take that script and start using it with people in their life. And I'm thinking of one person in particular who, whenever they get upset, that's a thousand percent what they say. And I now know, because I'm learning from you, listen to the end of the sentence, Take a beat.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
You also did this technique that I noticed where you lowered when I raised my voice. And you slowed the conversation down by simply slowing the pace of the question. And you're asking the question not like a jerk, like, oh, so I never listen to you? Because that's the other thing that people do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Versus saying, I never listen to you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
You're not only going to learn exactly what to say, but also how your words or using silence help you reclaim your confidence, your voice, and stand your ground. Hey, it's Mel. I am so excited that you're here. It is always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together. And if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Well, it's also what you're pointing to is you have power. Oh, yeah. And we don't think about it that way. We get so wrapped up in the stress of our day-to-day lives that you forget that your words and your energy has tremendous power and we give it away to other people. And particularly when somebody is a negative person or they're a difficult personality and you start to brace them
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
And you believe they have more power because of their bravado or their whatever, or the fact that they're constantly gaslighting you or erupting, or they pull the silent treatment. All of these things that are wildly emotionally immature, but feels like they have more power over you. What you're saying is, no, no, no, no, no. You always have power.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
What was the phrase that... you are hearing that has someone with autism communicate better?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Have you ever had a full circle moment? You know, a moment in life where you realized, holy cow, I've come full circle from where I was in the past. Well, I am so excited for our conversation today because I'm inviting you to experience a full circle moment with me as it happens live here in the studio.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I am thrilled that you're here. We're going to experience something so extraordinary together. And if you're brand new, I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. This is the perfect episode to be listening to right now because we're going to be digging into the topic of purpose. of discovering your power. You're going to learn so much from our guest today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Well, and that's the work that you do with people around the world. Well, I think you succeed in helping us come home to ourselves. Yeah. I can't believe you haven't been back to Boston. Yeah, it was a difficult city for me. Yeah. Well, then I, or at least you haven't been back to Cambridge. I did today, and it was really... What was that like?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And what's available to the person listening right now or to somebody that they love if they're suffering deeply in this conversation today? You're okay right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Just this moment, a breath at a time, I believe you. It's true. And I also believe that you're going to walk us through exactly how we can believe it for ourselves too. That's my dream. That's the dream. Well, that's what we're going to do today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And so I would love to have you just talk a little bit about how you think about the experience of being stuck in life and even moments in your life where you have felt stuck. Yeah. And we'll just start there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
This is a woman that I've admired for 19 years. She has changed my life. She's going to change yours today. And the fact that you hit play on this episode tells me that you're the type of person who values your time, and you're also interested in creating more meaning and purpose in your life. And I love that. And today, you're going to get that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
It's so hard to do though. And I mean, and you literally coach people through this. And I think about moments in my life where I have felt so stuck and also directionless, right? Like I don't know what I should be doing next. And so could you speak directly to the person who's listening that feels that right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Like they're not only feeling that frustration and is this all my life is gonna be in the sense that there's something else, but I don't even know how to access it. Yep. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Because we have the number one life coach on the planet who is here today to help you make your life better. If you feel stuck, if you're looking for some guidance, if you want to figure out what your next step is, or if you just have this feeling that something that you're doing, it just isn't working. You're just not quite where you're supposed to be. Well, you're in the right place right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I feel it as like this tension in my chest, like it's right between my breasts. It's almost like this like plate right in here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Let the fear, the scaredness be there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Be huge. Be scary. I have zero resistance to this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Tell me everything you're feeling. You know what's interesting about inviting the suffering in as a person and taking the feeling in your body and visualizing it into something bigger is the second that you said that, the kind of tension in the chest mushroomed into this like nuclear cloud, which ironically- made it feel smaller.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
You're not having to hold all that pain anymore. You're just letting it be. And what ended up happening, because this is a particular fear about something going on in my financial life, is that the second that I kind of imagined it big and you invited it in to sit with me, it immediately started talking. Oh, really? Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And it brought me right back to 15 years ago when I was on the brink of bankruptcy. Really? And like, I'm afraid because I've been in a place where I've felt out over the tips of my skis. I've been in a place where I've been really scared and struggling financially. And it's not at all the same situation, but it's triggering.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
You're supposed to be here with your friend, Mel, and you and I are in for the coaching session of a lifetime. And let me just give you the context for how amazing this is. If you wanted to hire the person who's in our studio today, you couldn't book a session with her. Like that is how renowned she is. But today she has hopped on a plane and flown across the country and she is here for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
That you've just spent 15 years getting yourself out of financial debt and making yourself feel safe because you've been really good about savings and you are about to do something stupid.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
So what is the, like, I can't even wrap my brain around this. I'm like, wait, so what is backwards about it's about to?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Oh my God, that's beautiful. It always works. Can we try that with a breakup? Yes, please. So I watched my daughter go through just a wildly painful heartbreak this summer. Ouch. And The biggest fear is that it was too, it was like, I'll never find love again. Yeah. Or I've made a huge mistake and I blew it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And so if we take this truth and wisdom and you invite the suffering in, and let's just take the statement that a lot of people feel, I'll never find love again. I'll never find somebody who loves me. Yep. What is the opposite?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
It's just what happens. Go test it. Well, I also think there's a lot of science to this. There is, yeah. Because aren't you training your mind to show you what you're looking for? Aren't you more open to it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Because I believe in both the magic and the spiritual and the woo-woo. And you can explain it, and you do in your work over and over again, about how this is also a tactic to reprogram your mind spirit and your brain to be open to this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Dr. Martha Beck is the number one life coach in the world, and she's here to speak with you and me and to help you live your best life. Dr. Martha Beck is a world-renowned life coach who holds three sociology degrees from Harvard. She's a six-time New York Times bestselling author. She is famously known as Oprah's life coach, and she's also been my life coach for 19 years, but from afar.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I just, everything that comes out of your mouth is like, oh my God, I felt my chest collapse. like almost like falling backwards, like a trust fall when you said you're about to make the most brilliant decision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I think you're right. Look how aware you are. Look how experienced you are. Of course you're going to make a brilliant decision. But what I love about this conversation is that when you see somebody that you care about who's stuck or going through heartbreak or who is afraid because they're taking a risk, when we see that person from the outside,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
We credit them and give them the benefit of all the things we know to be true, which is, yes, this is breaking your heart in a million pieces. And there's love all around you and there is love in your life and you will absolutely find love again. And you will be loved, but it's hard for you as the person stuck in it. Oh my gosh. I am just blown away by being with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I know as you're listening, you're thinking the same thing. I cannot wait for you to share this with the people that you care about. So here's what we're going to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Let's hit the pause button and we're going to hear a word from our amazing sponsors, but don't you dare go anywhere because Martha Beck and I are going to be waiting for you after a short break and she has so much more to share with you. So stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today you and I have the honor of getting coaching from the extraordinary Dr. Martha Beck.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
So is being stuck different than not having a purpose?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And this is the very first time that I'm meeting her in person. Through her books, her conversations, she has helped me get clear about what I want and has inspired me to take bigger and more purposeful risks. And she's here for you to share her best tactics, tools, research, and insights that are going to help you have the breakthrough that you need and deserve.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Or I'm always gonna be alone or it's never gonna work out for me or I'm never gonna be good enough. Like that is one lane. Yeah. And using these tools, you're now accessing and flipping the suffering.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Is everybody's purpose different? Yes. Oh, you said that with such certainty. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And how do you discover this? You talked about the rhino hunting and then you take people back and say, okay, we're going to do that exact same process. Do you look backwards and start to look for tracks and clues in your past or do you look forward?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Well, you know, I'm so glad we're going there because I have been stuck so many times in my life, and a lot of times, and I know you find this with people too, When you're stuck, you're stuck. And you're pretty convinced you are. Yeah. And you're scared you're going to stay there. And when you hear somebody like you say, we got to track your joy. You got to move toward freedom.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
So please help me welcome the extraordinary Martha Beck to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I just have to say, I am... unbelievably thrilled that you're here. I can't believe that I'm sitting across from you, actually. Pinch me, pinch me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
When you're that stuck, it's sort of like, what the hell does that even mean? Right. Like, I can barely get out of bed. I don't like the job that I have. I can't pay my bills. Yeah. So, and that's kind of where I was when I was sitting in that audience. And you gave me a taste of that, oh... There's something that feels different here. I'm going to move toward this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And that simple tool I came up with was, what would Martha Beck do? And I'll just do that because a woman has a life that feels different than mine. And so I'm going to just kind of move toward that, even though I don't even know what she would do. I'm just going to guess what she would do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And so if the person listening is in it with us and they're also like, okay, yeah, but what do I do when I wake up? What do I do? in my life right now to find these small pockets of joy in my day? Because I'm assuming that's where you start.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I feel like I... know you because you've been in my life for so long. And I just am eternally grateful that you got on a plane and you are taking the time to be with me and the person who's listening.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
What were some of the little things when you started doing this for yourself after being bedridden for 12 years that were pockets of freedom for you, just to give the person listening a sense of what you're talking about?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
How long did it take? I'm like, I'm sitting here asking these questions on behalf of the skeptic because you want to believe that it's going to work, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
But your mind is so against you at times. Oh, yeah. That even when you get these little morsels where you feel like it is true, if I watch a movie, I'm no longer in this bed because my mind is in the movie. Yeah. And it's a small way to find freedom. And as I start to unshackle myself from these painful thoughts and I bring freedom into my experience, things open up. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Well, that is the topic of your new seventh instant New York Times bestselling book, Beyond Anxiety. And I would love to have you explain that tool of flipping from that kind of anxiety spiral to how you tap into the creative brain. Because when you are stuck, when you do feel like you don't know what your purpose is, anxiety does take over. Oh yeah. Because you're so worried.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
What if I never get unstuck? What if I never figured out what if I die and I wasted all this time? What if I never even figured out who I was or what I was meant to be? And this is where all your work with people and what you've written about for years really helps people figure out. And so what do you want us to know about curiosity and creativity, especially for somebody who's stuck?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I am so excited that you're here because there are just so many different topics that I cannot wait to learn from you about, from how you find your deeply personal sense of purpose, to how you can use the tools that you write about in your new book to manage anxiety, to learning how to live a life that's truly authentic to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I'm stealing that. Hear me now, understand me later. That is amazing. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Wow. I just love you. And I'm so honored that we get to be coached by you and to feel so inspired by you. And thank you for being here. I want to take a quick break so that we can just let all this sink in and so that you can share this with people that you care about and that are sponsors who are bringing you Martha Beck at zero cost.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And at the same time, you're going to be getting the coaching session of your entire life. from one of the world's most renowned life coaches and New York Times bestselling author. She is here in our studios. I already have chills, and I'm going to tell you why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I've thought a lot about how I wanted to start our conversation, and I'd like to start it by telling you a personal story.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
can share a few words with you, but don't you dare go anywhere because I can tell that Martha Beck is just getting started. I mean, she's got so much more to say to you and you need to hear it and we'll be talking to you about it after a short break. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. You and I are getting coaching today from the extraordinary Dr. Martha Beck. So,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Over the years, you've worked with so many people. What are the kind of top most painful thoughts? Like if you had like a list of ones you hear over and over, and we all kind of think we're the only one, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And so I think it would be very validating for someone listening to hear just some of the top things that are the most painful thoughts people have shared with you over the decades and how you flip it. Okay, so number one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Martha, I have been waiting for this day to be able to get you on the Mel Robbins podcast because I know that everything that you have to share and teach us today about finding your purpose and living a life that is authentic to who you are is going to change not only my life, but the person's life who's listening to this conversation right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
What happened? Oh, my God. I love it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I've been thinking a lot about, okay, how do we start? There's just so much that you cover and so much that you have to teach us today. And I realized I wanted to start by telling you a deeply personal story. Okay. So it would have been early 2005 and I was a young mom with two and I had left the practice of law and I had studied and become a life coach.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
You have this incredible exercise that you walk people through that I do think can help you feel and see the light. And it's called ideal perfect day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I immediately thought a decade, 10 years. OK, so is that a good thing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I had a small business coaching individuals and people that ran small businesses. And Oprah Winfrey was doing a big event and it was at the Boston Convention Center.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Yeah, it's a wide planked wood floor that's sort of, it's kind of, it's not shiny. It's like worn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
It's very, like, just kind of modern and unfussy and beautiful. Are there photographs on the walls? No, there was like a painting or a photograph. Okay. What does it look like? It was like a big beach scene.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And yeah. And I thought, well, what better place to go to prospect for clients who feel stuck than at an Oprah Winfrey conference? And I walked in and I sat down in a chair and a woman that I had never seen walked on stage and she started talking and it was you. Oh my goodness. And... There was something about you and I don't even know what the hell you were saying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Um, well, you know, what's interesting is I walk the beach. I have a big thing of water. I practice yoga. I read on the porch. Um, Who's there? I'm just hanging my family and my parents. Oh, that's... Can you feel how free that is?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And as you track it, you create it. I wanted to ask you about the senses. Yeah. Because what happens when you tap into that creativity and you really navigate through a day like that using only senses? Because I did catch myself at times and I'm sure as you were listening, and you were imagining your ideal day, you caught yourself thinking too. Oh yeah, yeah. And it takes you out of the feel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Yeah. Why do the senses matter and why do they help you unlock your sense of purpose and joy and tap into this creativity? I'm so glad you
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
You were talking about purpose. And I remember just feeling the stress of having two kids and trying to grow this business. And my husband had just been laid off and he wanted to go into the restaurant business and you were up there and there was something inside me. And you talk, I'd never thought about it as peace, but everything went quiet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. Just pure feeling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Was that surgery the moment that you made the decision that you were not going to live like that anymore?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
What do people discover when they even just go through a day and they don't tell a lie? And I realize there's a difference between Being harsh and truthful and telling the truth with a little bit of compassion. Yeah, you learn to be very gentle about the truth.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
But what do you find that when you go through a day of integrity and you tell not a single lie, what are the things that come up for people over and over again?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I don't even remember a word that you said, but I remember feeling I want to be doing that. And I didn't even know what that meant. And so when you walked off stage, I picked up one of the magazines and I learned about you and I started reading your column and I said to myself, I'm going to just figure out how I can write books or how I can speak to people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Some of the work that you've done that has truly changed my life is about learning how to follow your North Star and finding that true North. Yeah. Can you explain to the person listening in case they're in a place in their life where they don't even know who they are? It's kind of an odd thing to say, but I think it's a very common experience to go, I don't even know who I am.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Or I've lost myself in this relationship. I've lost myself in work. I... have lost a sense of what's actually important to them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Let me make sure I got this. So suffering is a gift because it stops you from going any direction other than your true north. It's almost like it spins the compass. Yes. It just says not north. Absolutely not north. And what you've been teaching us is invite the suffering in and then flip it to the opposite.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
You know, I have, I don't know why, this sense of someone listening that is really scared to either end the relationship or to quit a job and start something or to do like you did and say, this doesn't work for me and I'm going to tell you. And risk having people say, well, then I don't love you anymore. And they do. And they do. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
How can you use this true north to help you make the right decision, even though in that moment it always feels so wrong? You know what I mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I wouldn't be sitting here in this chair hosting this podcast if 19 years ago I hadn't walked into the Boston Convention Center, sat down in a chair, looked up, and a woman I had never seen before walked on stage, and everything she said that day changed the entire trajectory of my life. Who was it? Martha Beck. I've never met her. I've never told her that story.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I remember... I was sitting there one night and somebody forwarded me an email. And I was up late at night kind of working and the kids had been put to bed. And this email comes across my inbox and it's from a friend. And she said, hey, Mel, I work in PR in New York and I see that somebody is looking to interview a life coach for an article in this magazine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Beautiful. A lot of people wake up in a life that just doesn't feel good to them. Oh, yeah. And what would you say to that person right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
You're nodding. Has it happened to you? The furniture rearranging. When I have been the most stuck and miserable, especially when I have no money. Yeah. I literally rearrange the furniture wherever I live all the time. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. And it became like a joke in our family because the kids would come home from school and they'd be like, how did you move the couch by yourself?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I'm like, I've got a lot of energy. I'm really stuck right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Well, you know, what I love is that you have so many tools. Because you're validating the experience and actually applauding its arrival of being stuck or feeling like your life doesn't fit or having no purpose. And Martha Beck is literally giving you a standing ovation and saying, welcome to the transformation. It's so exciting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
So I scroll down and I notice, oh, well, this is two months old. And oh, I have none of the credentials. And oh, it looks like the deadline's already passed. And then I said, well, what would Martha Beck do? And I hit reply and I responded. And it was the kind of beginning of everything changing in my life. And it all began with that moment that I had an experience with you. Oh, my goodness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And get ready for the haircut and the furniture moving around as you're shifting energy and recognizing this. But even just that exercise, of the ideal day. Yeah. Gets you out of the thinking trap and into what you write about in your book, Beyond Anxiety, which is asking yourself, what can I create? Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And that exercise through your senses and visualization of the ideal day, you experience something different. Yes, completely. Before it exists. Yeah. And so if somebody's hanging on to every word... right now, what is the most important step that they could take away from this conversation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Oh, I love that. Do you have something that you recommend when... You're working with somebody who just has a lot of fear. Yeah. So you can do the visualization. You can understand the true north. You can truly keep asking yourself, what can I create? But then the fear and the anxiety and you're just like you and I have been. Right. for years.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
We've got you. I've got you. Yeah. You know, you started by saying that you went back to Cambridge. Yeah. Yeah. where you were when you were 25 years old and were expecting Adam, which is also the title of the first book of yours that I ever read. Yeah. And what would you go back and tell? yourself at that age?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Wow. Yeah. If the person listening who just spent a bunch of time with us takes just one thing from this and you could wave a magic wand and pick what it would be, what do you want them to take away? You're safe.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And I've been waiting 19 years to meet you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And there's a ton of us out here for you. Better believe it. What are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I do. I love you. Thank you for changing my life. Oh, thank you for changing mine. You're beautiful. And you're beautiful. Wow. Martha Beck.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
What fun. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you what Martha told you too, which is I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And there is zero doubt in my mind. If you take anything that Martha shared with us today and you pour it into yourself, you will. Tell me when you're ready. You're good already? Oh my gosh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
No, it's great. No, fantastic. I am so excited that you're here. There is so much I cannot wait to share. My Lord. I am so excited that you're here. And there are so many things I want to talk to you about that your work has... Oh, Lordy. And I can't wait to get into that. And I've thought... Oh my Lord.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Well, I love you for starting The Spark. And one of the reasons why I was so excited beyond just my selfish desire to have the full circle moment and to meet you and thank you is that you more than anybody in the world helps people get unstuck. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's true.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Like so much of your work is truly about finding purpose and learning how to find your way, especially when you have no peace, especially when you don't know what comes next or life has thrown something at you. Can you just expand a bit about your personal background and how you got to the point where you were writing all of these New York Times bestselling books?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Because there was a lot of personal history that led up to where you are now. I would just love for you to share a little bit about your background. Sure. In case the person listening is getting the gift of meeting you for the first time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
So you had suppressed all of the memories of it and then it erupts when you're... You were actually at Harvard at the time, right? Yeah, I was finishing my PhD.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
And she is here to teach you all about how you're going to discover your purpose, how you need to trust where your life is taking you. And I have no idea where this conversation is going to take me. But I know it's going to be one of the most extraordinary and amazingly impactful ones of both your and my life. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Well, and you not only did that, but to live in your integrity and to live your truth and to set yourself free, you also wrote about it. Yeah. And it became a massive New York Times bestseller. I was hoping no one would read it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
Yeah. How did you go from that experience in your life and in your career and in your marriage and publicly to then making this decision that you would put yourself out there even more and help everyone else find their way because you have and your work represents around the world a pathway towards purpose, a way to find your authentic self, a way to truly find the courage to speak your truth.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Find Your Purpose & Design the Life You Want
I mean, that's what you represent in the world. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So a little while ago, I saw this video and in it, there was this licensed sex therapist and she was talking to her husband and she shared this thing that has had the single biggest impact on my sex life with my husband, Chris. So you want to know what I did?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I think you just solved all my problems with my husband because I think my problem is I think about it and I'll text him and be like, we got to have sex tonight. Like, I really miss you. But there's no follow through on my part. And I think we're both responsive. That he probably needs to have me start. I need him to start. We're both exhausted. Like, is that a common thing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You know, I told my husband, Chris, that you were coming on. And I said, would you like to ask Vanessa a couple questions? And I understand that he has videotaped a couple questions and texted them to you. I do not know what they are. I'm a little nervous because I feel like I'm about to get blamed for something. But in the interest of both of us getting the advice right,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
right on its head. No pun intended. Just imagine a world where you're having more sex. You feel more connected and safe. You're also having more fun in the bedroom. Well, that's exactly what you're going to learn how to create in your life today. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
that we need, I would love to hear my husband's questions and your answers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
What comes up for you around that? Well, I have a feeling that he's going to say I'm all talk, no follow through.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Because I do want to be having more sex because I do enjoy it, but I'm just tired. Like I'll always be like, we got to have sex tonight. And he's like, yeah, we got to have sex tonight. And then he's asleep at 8.30. And when I crawl into bed at 9.30, you know, he's like... Okay, I'm not waking him up like this is I'm just going to go to bed and then we'll have sex in the morning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And then he's up at 515 and I'm still sleeping. And so it just feels like I keep saying something, but I'm not doing what I said I wanted. And then the second thing is, I think it's what you talked about, which is even in a relationship where we've been married for 28 years.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And even with a person that I love more than anybody, who I trust more than anybody, I still feel squeamish and uncomfortable talking about either what I want or what he might want that I'm not delivering and kind of hearing that I'm falling short or that he's bored. And so I think we've been hinting around wanting things to change, but we actually haven't made them change.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I don't know if that's good or bad. All I know is that my husband sent you videos asking some questions. And I have no clue what the questions are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You're making me nervous.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Oh, hey, Mel. Thanks for inviting me onto the podcast. My first question is around the difference between physical touch or sensation versus emotional connection. And either what's more important to you or does one come before the other? And what could I do to improve the physical side or to dial up anything that you might need emotionally so that the table is set?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Oh, well, first of all, the dog is in the background, which is adorable. But I love that he cares. And I guess what I'm getting from this question is that simply talking about sex with your partner. And asking questions about sex makes you feel cared for. Absolutely. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You know, I see I'm already getting there. I'm so embarrassed. I don't know why. It's a vulnerable thing that you're doing. Well, what I would say to my husband is that once we are physical, it's fantastic. But for me, there is some disconnect around when we're having sex or when we think are the times to have sex because I think we're waiting until the end of the day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
That's exactly what I want to say. And we're both exhausted. And so... One thing I'm relieved about since he's kind enough to be saying there's emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. And to me, the physical intimacy is on lock. I mean, I'd love to experiment a little bit just to spice things up because I think he would enjoy it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
But I think we're struggling with just the basics of how do we have more sexual experiences in the middle of a crazy busy life? Yeah. And how do we stop... by disappointing one another by saying we would love to do this. Like just last week, we probably talked about wanting to have sex two or three times. He has a fricking sinus infection. I don't want to get sick. Like he can barely breathe.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I cannot wait for our conversation today, and it's always such an honor to spend time and to be together with you. And if you're a new listener, I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad you're here. And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, here's what I know.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
So if he's asking me what, I don't even know, because I feel like when we do connect, and I think a lot of us feel this way, when it finally happens, you're happy. So what would your advice, though, as a licensed sex therapist be? And what do you hear in that question when somebody's saying, Do you need more emotional intimacy or physical intimacy?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
What I'm hearing from you which is interesting because I feel myself also having a little bit of a visceral like, oh God, is this idea of you got to plan it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You're like, yeah, no kidding, Mel. You have to plan it. Like, because I think I believe in the myth that it's just supposed to happen, which is clearly not working. And that's what happens in the beginning of a relationship. When you first, it's brand new, you will literally going to the grocery store is the hottest date on the planet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And then you're having sex in the backseat of the car, in the parking lot. Like those days are over. So you're saying- I want to challenge you on that though.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Because you're planning dates.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I've never heard that before.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Vanessa I need to take a quick break so we can hear a word from our sponsors but we've got so much more to jump into and while you're listening to a word from our sponsors share this because everybody that you care about deserves to have a better sex life and there's no doubt that everything that we're learning from Vanessa is going to help us do that and don't go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you after a very short break stay with us
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. I am so thrilled that you're here today. You and I are getting to spend time together and learn from licensed sex therapist, Vanessa Marin. And we've been digging into the things that you need to know in order to have a more pleasurable and fun and empowering sex life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I first of all know you value your time because you made time and found time to listen to this. And let me tell you something. This episode is going to deliver the goods because today we're talking about sex. And your pleasure, connection, intimacy, fun, it matters. You deserve to have this part of your life feel satisfying and fun, whether you're single or whether you're in a relationship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
So Vanessa, one other question before I get to Chris's second question is, if you have a partner who tells you, I need more emotional intimacy, what does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You know, I think you just changed my marriage because when you said, when you were first dating, what is a date? It's a way to schedule sex.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And it's not even about the dates. It's about creating moments where we have the time and space for intimacy to happen and to plan for it. Like you said earlier in the evening, I'm like, I need to be doing it before noon. Like, I mean, if it's going to happen, scheduling it late morning is probably the sweet spot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
What do we say instead?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Well, more importantly, this is how it all started. And this is why you were having sex. So why on earth would I be a dummy and not do the same thing I did when we first started dating? All right, let's look at the next one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
So my second question is about just what I can do better or differently at the end of the day to help you turn off your working mind. I know sometimes it's dinner or hanging out and watching something, but your mind often doesn't turn off all the way into the bedroom and into the bed with or without the phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And so is there anything that I can do to help alleviate some of that stress or whatever might be running through your mind in order to shift the mood?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And did you know... that sex is one of the top three reasons why people get divorced or break up, but that's not going to happen to you because improving your sex life, totally solvable problem. So if you're not having sex right now, or if you're not having enough, or if it's not pleasurable, or if you'd like to mix things up, but you just don't have a clue how to talk about it or bring it up,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I love this question because I know exactly what could be done and it's going to sound weird. But one of the things that I really miss is that we don't, often cook dinner together anymore because we're empty nesters and there's only two of us and we both work from home. And so it is so easy to sit at your desk on your laptop and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
close the laptop at 6.30 after the last video call, and then send a few emails and then stroll into the kitchen. And you're like, what do we have, cereal again? We're going to put a pizza in the oven again. And so there is some buffering.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
between work and the reestablishing of rituals that for us were very much driven by the fact that kids were home and they were hungry and we had a pattern of sitting down and cooking and then eating as a family that has just evaporated without the kids being there. And so for me, I know that I could use a lot of help with
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
If I walked into the kitchen and Chris was already cooking, I wouldn't be on my phone. But since we haven't planned anything, work literally takes over the space and we're both guilty of it. And so I could see how even... And I mean, this is just opening up so many things we could do. We could start doing the things we used to do when the kids were home.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
We could meet on Sunday nights and go, these are the nights we're going to cook and who's going to take... responsibility for being the lead on that night so that we both come down to something. I think it's an excellent question because it goes back to what you're talking about, which is intentional intimacy and even the act of deciding that we're cooking dinner tonight together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
That's intentional. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Well, it's like everything I talk about on this podcast, which is we all know this. Yeah. But you have to be reminded because otherwise technology and work and all these things that you're not going to be thinking about at the end of your life are going to steal the time that you have now with the people that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
All right. Let's take the final question from Mr. Christopher Robbins. The fact that he's even asking makes me like want to have sex with him. Okay, honey, here we go. Here goes the final question.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Is there anything that you haven't said or that you're afraid to tell me? Thanks for including me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Oh, anything I haven't told him. Yes, but I have told him this, but maybe you can give us advice and I can ask this on behalf of the person who's listening who feels the same way. Okay. I feel like... Work is a huge part of my life, and I have to be out in the world, at work, go, go, go, go, go, go. I am the primary breadwinner. I am aggressive and confident and...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
First of all, you're not the only one. And what I love about her expert today is that she's even going to tell you this was hard for her to talk about in her life. And she's been in clinical practice as a licensed sex therapist for over 20 years, and she's been married for 17. See, here's the thing. None of us have been taught about sex.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
energetic and I am responsible for a large number of people on this team. And I put a ton of energy into caring for the people that I work with, caring for the people that listen to the show, caring for our children that I don't want to be the point person on our sex life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Like I really want to feel desired and to feel like this is one area of my life where I don't have to be the one who's in charge. And I am sure that is a very common thing that people say that I, and not like in a fairytale way that I'm expecting to be romanced, but I don't want to be the one with the traditional masculine energy that is seeking out the thing that I want.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Not to say I'm not a equal partner, but that I don't want it to be on me to have to initiate this too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And more importantly, everything that you and I have seen in the movies or what we think it's supposed to be, wrong. That's why you and I hint. It's why we fake. It's why we're tolerating less than we deserve. And the solution, this is the good news, it's right in front of your face. And wouldn't it be so awesome if it weren't such a chore or embarrassing to talk about?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I tracked her down and I invited her on the podcast and she hopped on a plane. She is here in our Boston studios today. And I'm just going to say right up front, If you're single or if you're in a new relationship, this is a must listen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I mean, personally, I've been married for 28 years and even I'm embarrassed to talk about it with my husband, Chris. Just imagine a world where you could be having more of it and enjoy it more. Well, that's my mission and what's available to you today. So if you're single, just pat yourself on the back because you're about to learn something I wish I knew 35 years ago.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
If you're in a new relationship, I know you're probably having more sex than my husband and I are, but what you're going to learn is going to make it even better. Because licensed sex therapist, New York Times bestselling author, Vanessa Marin is here. And look, I'm going to ask the embarrassing questions. I'm even going to open up my bedroom and my marriage.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Because you said the bedroom, and I immediately imagined the kitchen with Chris. But walk me through how you and your husband started this ritual and step-by-step what you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Even Chris, my husband has jumped in with some questions for Vanessa. I have no idea what they are. I'm going to hear them live when you hear them. So let me tell you a little bit about Vanessa. Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist and a sex therapist with over 20 years of clinical practice helping people have healthier, more satisfying sex lives.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
What is the bristle response?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
If you're listening to this and you realize you bristle and it might be innocuous because you literally are just like, it's true. Like I have determined in my mind that every time somebody touches me, they want more. And for whatever reason, I don't want more or I don't have time to or I'm mad at you. So I don't want to have sex with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
That makes so much sense. And I can see in periods of my life where I have bristled with Chris. Yeah. And it sends a very chilling message to the person that you care about. Yeah. You know, and I also love that if you're uncomfortable talking about this, share this episode with your partner and say, I want you to pay close attention to the bristle part because I've been guilty of doing that. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Let's talk about it. And then that way you can do it in an email or a text. Yep. You let Vanessa, the licensed sex therapist and Mel Robbins do the talking and you've now set the table. So Vanessa, what's your number one piece of advice that you should follow on your next date night?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
She's known for her work in making sex therapy more accessible. She is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Sex Talks, the five conversations that will transform your love life. And she and her husband Xander also host the number one rated sexuality podcast called Pillow Talks. You're going to love her. So let's jump in because I got questions and I know you do too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Wait, what? Have sex before the date?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You're a genius. I am going to rock my husband's world. He's not even going to see what's coming for crying out loud because I've done this all wrong.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Wow. Okay. Can you give me exactly what to say if your partner's initiating intimacy and you're not in the mood?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I'll tell you what, my legs are open now. Well, what I love about that is I just realized just even in the, we should have sex tonight. Like I'm focusing on the orgasm. Are you open to being intimate later today?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I think you've changed my life with two things. By sharing that there are two sex drives, spontaneous and responsive, and I'm stealing your husband's line, and I hope as you're listening and spending time together with us as you're taking your walk or you're sitting at work or you're driving in your car, that...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You're realizing that that framing of are you open to doing something fun and intimate Saturday morning? And I love the third thing that you said that I'm just like, wow, you're right. We had sex all the time when we first met because we were constantly planning dates together. Yeah. So we were planning sex. Duh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And now, of course, I'm like thinking it's some sort of like stupid thing to do when actually that's how it all began. Exactly. Wow. Is there a question that if you're in a new relationship that you can ask that really opens up more dialogue around it if you're really enjoying this person and you want to take more responsibility and you want to be more open about this topic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Vanessa Marin, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You did? What did he say?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Oh, I think Chris would feel like deeply connected and seen and tired because he had just mind-blowing orgasm.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Now, is it normal for people who interview you to feel kind of nervous? Yes. Are you a little bit nervous right now? I'm definitely nervous. And I suppose it's because I'm one of these people that's a little bit squeamish about sex, which might surprise you as you're listening to me right now. You know, you've hit play on this. You know what you're in for. This is an adult conversation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I'm so glad you shared that with me because I never in a million years would have thought that that was his answer, but it gives me a clue as to what I could do differently. What would your words be? What would my words be?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I think, well, definitely deeply connected and just kind of like, you know, it's afterwards you're like two octopuses with your arms and legs all wrapped around each other, just laying there. Happy, safe, tired.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Blissed out. That's a phenomenal, phenomenal one. Yeah. No, and I like playful, but I can take the nod on that and show up a little differently. That's cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Well, I think it's a really common experience. I mean, like if you're a nurse working in a hospital. Oh, yeah. If you're a teacher, if you're working the night shift, if you're caring for aging parents, it's not even that you have to be doing this kind of perceived big thing. It's that you're doing big things all day long. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And what I love about the word playful is that I do believe that there's probably history and legacy that comes from the lie we've all been told about the steamy, hot, spontaneous, crazy, mind-blowing sex. And the idea of just making it playful and fun, like that just creates a whole new future and opportunity to connect. What are some little things that make a big difference in your sex life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And I'm out there and I share a lot. But when it comes to sex, I'm, I don't know, like maybe a little bit of a prude.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Gratitude, eye contact, and then you set a six second kiss or a 30 second hug and you release the oxytocin in your body that is that sort of bonding chemical. Yeah. Oh, I love that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You've been working as a licensed sex therapist for over 20 years. You're married. Vanessa, what are three things you would never do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Beautiful. So you have this brand new deck of cards, the sex talk, with all these different kinds of questions that couples can ask each other. Why did you create this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Here are some of the questions. Would you rather have a two-minute quickie with an orgasm or 30 minutes of pleasure with no orgasm? Now, when I first read it, I'm like, well, a quickie and why would I want pleasure with no orgasm?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
But if you ask it in a non-confrontational way, you might actually find, and I'd probably find with my husband, I'm realizing, he would prefer 30 minutes of pleasure and play with no orgasm rather than a two-minute transactional orgasm. ejaculation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Is there a time frame that as a licensed sex therapist, you tend to hear more than another?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Wow. And the reason why I ask is because if time and being tired is my perceived biggest obstacle to having more sex with the man that I love, then I would think the opinion that it should be longer than something quick also keeps you from initiating. It's just like why you don't call a friend. You're like, well, I don't have time right now to catch up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And so maybe even just focusing on how long it is probably is part of the problem in terms of us even initiating. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
That's true. Both the sex and talk about it, right? Choose to do it anyway. I think we're going to talk a lot about that. Could you speak directly to the person that's listening?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Well, how do you create more pleasure if you're not enjoying what you're doing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Because one of the things that you're about to learn is that your entire history, I'm talking every person you've ever been with, and especially your history when you're single, It sets you up for your sex life forever. And so she's here to address everything that you and I are not talking about and that you've never learned.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
It seems like it because it's on the inside, not the outside. You know what I mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Can I just look at it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
whether they're in their car or they're sitting at work or they've taken you and I, Vanessa, on a walk, and just tell them what might they experience that's different in life if they take everything that you're about to share and I'm about to confess to heart and they apply it. What's going to change in their life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Like...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Well, it seems to be that you're working as you should because why would you desire something you don't enjoy? So what would you say to the person who's listening who doesn't feel comfortable? Or I think it's even deeper that you, based on your past experiences, especially the negative ones, you don't know how to give yourself permission that you deserve pleasure. Right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Make it more playful, clearly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You know, in your private practice, how often does like a past traumatic sexual experience or some adverse childhood event or having a partner that cheated on you, how often is that the thing that's in the way between a couple?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And if you're listening and that's you, how would you advise somebody to bring it up with your current partner when you start to realize, oh, the reason why I freeze and I can't find freedom and pleasure is because of a past issue. It has nothing to do with you. How do you raise that with your partner?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I had that issue. Like where up in my head, I knew it was something from the past and that I'm safe with Chris, but my body had different programming. And so it wasn't until I recognized it and spoke about it that I could actually do the work to heal and then take control of the pleasure and how I wanted to experience this act of intimacy with somebody who I feel deeply safe with.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I've had a lot of male friends ask me recently, whether it's somebody that they're dating that's new or something that's come up in a long-term relationship about, I don't know what to do because I am with somebody that has this in their history. How can I show up in a way that creates safety.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
What advice do you have for somebody where you're the one who is in a relationship with somebody who is working through an issue like this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I would love to have you just speak directly to the person who's listening. And they have just spent all this time learning from you and laughing at me and feeling sorry for my husband. But if there's one thing that they could take away from this conversation and if you could wave a magic wand and tell them, here's the one thing I want you to do today, what would it be?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Well, I'm thrilled to have had the opportunity to be here with you. And as much as I make jokes about this as a way to deflect, I'm also feeling very grateful that Chris was willing to... ask you questions that I could hear, that I could learn from.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And I really do think everything that we've learned today is going to help the person listening, me, my husband, the person that's in your life, to enjoy this really important aspect of being an adult. So what are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I'm really excited. I actually can't wait to get home and have some fun playing around with Christopher Robbins. And I'm really excited for you as you're listening and how you're going to use everything that Vanessa shared with you today based on the research, based on her 20 years of clinical practice, based on her bestselling book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
to take control of this area of your life because you deserve intimacy, you deserve pleasure, you deserve play, you deserve a blissful, amazing orgasm, and now we know we're having sex before the date. Yes. Vanessa, thank you, thank you, thank you for all you do. Thank you for hopping on a plane and being here with us in our Boston studios.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Oh my gosh. I learned so much. I'm so excited that you were here. I'm so excited about what I learned and I'm so excited for you. There is zero doubt in my mind that everything that you just learned will absolutely help you create a better life, feel more pleasure, feel more comfortable. You can share this episode as a way to break the ice, trap them in the car with you and just hit play.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And now you're listening to and talking about sex. And none of us are talking about this thing enough. And so I'm glad you and I were here together today to not only learn, but to be talking about this super important topic as well. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Now that you got the roadmap for how to do that in the bedroom, go do it. I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode, the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. And it is so... Oh, hold on a second. Let me start from the top because it's way too jumbly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
So for the person that's listening that's single, I would also love to have you speak directly to that person because I know that this is also going to be one of those episodes since none of us like talking about sex, that you send it to somebody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I think my favorite question so far is, do you like being surprised during sex or do you prefer to know what's coming? I prefer to know what's coming and it's me. And you. And you. Let's be very clear. And you, Chris. Which is going to flip most things that you know about desire, pleasure, sex drive, orgasm, right on its head. No pun intended.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Like if you're single and listening to our conversation today, how might your life change if they take to heart everything that you're about to share and they apply it to their life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
What keeps you up at night as a licensed sex therapist?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
And so why are so many of us feeling disconnected in our sex lives?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Today on the Mel Robbins podcast, you and I are gonna spend some time together in the bedroom. If you got little kids, please put on headphones or just listen to a different episode of the podcast while you're taking them to school. But once you drop them off, come right on back to this one. Can you tell I'm excited for both of us? I am so excited because if you can't talk about sex,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Well, I can relate to that. I mean, I think that when you have a person that you're in a relationship, and of course, I've been married for 28 years, having the same person be the person that you wake up next to, you grocery shop with, you cook dinner with, you pay bills with, if you have kids or you have furry kids that you're taking care of, the logistics around that, that
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
it can become very transactional. Like you're doing life together, but you're not actually doing each other. I mean, I love Chris like crazy. I'm super attracted to him. And as much as I want more sex, I'm like, do I? Like, I'm actually very, very tired. And so... I relate to what you're saying. And what is your advice to me?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
If I want more sex, but I'm not sure that I want more sex, even though I enjoy the sex tremendously when we have it, but I'm exhausted.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
If you can't ask for what you want, if you don't know how to bring it up, if you're going through a dry spell, or if you're like me and my husband and you want to have more sex, but you're just so tired, holy cow, our conversation is going to be surprising, pleasure-inducing, filled with practical advice, which is going to flip most of the things that you and I know about desire, pleasure, sex drive, and orgasm.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
You know, I actually believe you. Good. Because, no, and I don't mean that in a, like, as a weird statement. It's because I know what you're saying is true. And, you know, one of the things that happens for me a lot is that every time my husband and I have sex, I always say, that was amazing. I feel so much more connected to you. Thank God we did that. Why aren't we having more sex?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
Like, is that a common thing too, where you're just like, I'm too tired, so we're not having sex, but then we have sex and I'm like, why are we not having sex?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
I am mentally ready to have sex all the time. It's when we cross the bridge to actually doing it that the drawbridge is up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. The expert you're about to meet traveled 3,000 miles to be here today for you and me and to have this conversation. And I could not be more excited for what's about to happen. Dr. Rangan Chatterjee is a world-renowned doctor with over 20 years of clinical experience.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And so what does that mean? Like if you were explaining that to an eight year old, what does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Whether you're trying to cut back on sugar or get a better night's sleep or be more consistent with exercise or just have more energy and feel less stress, Dr. Chatterjee is here with the little tricks you can use to make change easier. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're listening to this episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Why are we hungry all the time? If we're eating mac and cheese and fish and chips or chicken nuggets or we're just kind of doing dinner out of a box or we're ordering it to go, why does that make us hungry?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
What do you mean by that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Yes, I'm like cruising through the kitchen at work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, you know what's interesting about everything that you're saying is you say sugary cereal, and I think the mistake that I used to make for years is I would think about the actual Captain Crunch or the stuff that is marketed typically to kids, that even in the marketing, you know it is sugary. But
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
When I started to do, as you're saying, like flip it over and there's 32 grams of sugar in a bowl of cereal and you're like, what? And so it's kind of hidden in there. And I think that's also part of the thing that I didn't realize and a lot of us don't realize. And I love that you're not blaming us because we fall for the marketing and then we don't look at the actual ingredient list.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I mean, first of all, it's always an honor to be able to spend time with you and be together. And if you're a new listener, I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so glad that you're here. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Oh my, not only does it make sense, You've actually handed the power back to us and you have also activated this internal drive to want to feel better. And I would love for you to share your framework around cravings because you have this 3F framework when it comes to cravings.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
That's where I just screw it all up, Dr. Chatterjee. I can be so good all day. And then I'm like, why didn't I go to bed earlier? If I had just gone to bed at 8.30 and started reading, I wouldn't have eaten half a bag of this salty, buttery popcorn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I know you're the type of person who truly values your health and you value the health and happiness of the people that you care about. And if you're listening because somebody shared this with you, How awesome is that? I mean, that means that you have people around you who care about you. And so that's so cool. They want you to feel more energized, happy, and healthy in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Okay, feel, feed, and find.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
You know we're standing in front of the fridge with the thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
How do you know the difference though? Because I'm a good talker. So I can be like, I think I'm actually hungry. I think I need a little.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And that means you're in the right place. So good job. Hit and play on this episode because today you have an appointment with Europe's number one doctor, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee. Dr. Chatterjee is a British physician. He's a best-selling author, a medical expert for the BBC, and host of Europe's number one health and wellness podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
If you have not had any time to yourself all day and sugar's your little treat to yourself... Yes, I think that's a big one for a lot of us, especially if you're constantly stressed, you're caring for other people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Because I'm probably going to put it down anyway and go get the popcorn and ice cream.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I literally, since I've been in your house and I've met your wife and your kids, I can see you standing in your kitchen and imagine your wife coming in and being, what are you doing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And he's also the author of the brand new best-selling book, Make Change That Lasts. And if you're watching on YouTube, you can see that I have tabbed this book because it is full of gems we are going to be unpacking today. He is taking 20 years of clinical experience... and distilling it into the four steps you need to take to feel better, to live better, and to take back control of your health.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Right. Or the people that are telling you to do it online. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
stop, that is something that everybody needs to hear. Yeah. You don't think the diet was the failure. You think you're the failure.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I'm having this huge epiphany, Dr. Chatterjee, that I can't tell you how many times I've started keto or I've tried to manage more protein or I tried pescatarian, I've just been chasing one fad and one diet and one thing that I hear on the outside. And it's not to say that those changes don't work, but I'm realizing for the very first time listening to you right now,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
that the key ingredient in all of those situations where I tried something and I felt like it failed for me or I couldn't stick to it, I don't have the willpower, this is too complicated, is that I didn't have the most important ingredient that you're talking about right now, which is part of the first pillar of food, which is feel. I wasn't saying to myself, how is this making me feel?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And I can tell you that I recently did this kind of like five-day protocol that I was just looking for some sort of reset to do. And it was this five-day intermittent, you know, you're eating while you're doing it, fasting protocol. They send you a kit. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
But the interesting thing that was different is that I was very much paying attention to how would I feel every day as I was doing it. And as I started to notice that my mood got better, I wasn't as hungry. I felt sharper in focus.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
It has made a change stick because of what you're talking about, which is when you start focusing on this first pillar of your health, really trying this as an experiment and then going, how does this feel for me? That's the piece that actually will make it work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So please help me welcome the amazing Dr. Chatterjee to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited for this conversation. Dr. Chatterjee, I cannot thank you enough for traveling 3,000 miles to sit down and be here with me and the person that is with us right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Totally. And what I love about this, and I'll just add this from my own experiences, I've always felt this pull to want to be vegetarian or plant-based. And when I have tried it, I have felt so low energy. And it has been a chore to get in the protein that I'm realizing as you're talking, that's why I've never done it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
It's because I realized that I actually feel better on a different type of eating program and getting more lean protein from sources other than plant-based foods. And I have a question though, before we move on to the second pillar of movement, how long... do I need to try something in the food pillar or a change in my diet and really paying attention to how am I feeling?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Because I would imagine you change anything, whether it's your reading labels, one ingredient, less sugar, that you will go through a withdrawal period. It will feel worse before it feels better. So what's your recommendation in the food pillar for how long you would recommend us trying this thing, going, how do I feel?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
You're not actually, you're simplifying it. You're doing exactly what you said. And it is very clear to me, food is medicine. Food is part of your plan and a required part of the pillar for you to feel less stress, to have more energy, to be happier, to be healthier. And you're the expert.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, you know what I love about you as a doctor, as a bestselling author? You have this obsession with making things that feel overwhelming as simple as it can be.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And so take the things that you feel called to try that you know are true or you trust and do it for three weeks and see how you feel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
What's the right question?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I cannot wait to jump into how you're going to simplify movement as the second pillar for our health. But this feels like a good point to hit the pause button so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And as you take a listen to our sponsors, make sure to share this with somebody in your life that you care about, because there's no doubt in my mind that this information that we're talking about today, we all need to hear it. So thanks for sharing it. Don't go anywhere because Dr. Chatterjee and I, we are going to be waiting for you after this short break. So stay with us. Welcome back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, you and I have the honor of getting to sit down and spend time with and be together with the amazing Dr. Chatterjee. His new book is Make Change That Lasts, and we are talking about the simple things you need to focus on in order to be healthier and happier.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
He is the author of six bestselling books about health and happiness. And here's what I love about Dr. Chatterjee. He just has this ability to simplify what I think is a very overwhelming topic, and that is, how do you take better care of your health? And he's also going to empower you to realize that you know what feels good for you, and that's important for you to be paying attention to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So Dr. Chatterjee, one of the things that I've seen is that you have a five-minute strength training program that you do every day, and I hugged you when you came in, and I'll tell you, you're pretty jacked compared to when I saw you last time. So what is this five-minute strength training thing that you do, Dr. Chatterjee?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And I'm so excited for you to really share this gift that you have of taking the overwhelming topic of living a healthier and a happier life and truly simplifying it for me and for the person that is listening and that's going to share this with somebody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Wait, so you literally do squats? you do push-ups, you do calf raises, so you're going up on your tippy toes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, you know what's interesting about brushing your teeth, and I'm glad you just brought it up, is I just saw somebody else talking about it. I can't remember who it is. And it's a fabulous example that if you go and don't brush your teeth today, you'll have bad breath, you'll notice, but most people around you won't notice.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
But if you go day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year for five years, and you never brush your teeth, some of them are going to fall out. You're going to have like snaggletooth mouth. Like you're going to be horrible. And it's an illustration of something we know intellectually that the compounding nature of doing something every day is,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
actually builds in the negative or the positive dramatically. And your five-minute workout in the kitchen is just genius. First of all, you already taught us that the brain is an associative machine, meaning it associates certain places and times of day with certain things. And so you're using that to your advantage.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
You also have set yourself up for success because you now have a kettle ball right there in the kitchen. You have also set yourself up with a stacking of this so that you start the coffee maker, which is something you're going to do regardless of how you feel. It doesn't matter how tired you are, whether or not you don't want to, you're going to do it. And while the coffee's brewing...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
You don't care that you're not in the latest workout clothes. You don't need a fancy gym. There you are at 5.05 in the morning in your pajamas doing pushups on your kitchen floor while your coffee's brewing. And it's an illustration of the daily toothbrushing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I think the person listening is like, I know six people like that right now. So please send them this conversation because you haven't been able to get them to take this seriously. Dr. Chatterjee can.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And what I love about what you're teaching us, and I'm sure I speak for you as you're listening to Dr. Chatterjee too right now, First of all, I'm like, okay, how can I get you to be my doctor? Because I would like a doctor that takes their coat off and then shows me how to do five-minute interventions. But it all comes back to this simple principle. There are four pillars.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
We've unpacked food and the importance of how you feel and experimenting and one ingredient stuff. Now you have simplified movement. And you have made the case that just introducing five minutes of movement, whether it's a walk or something in your kitchen, how that changes the course of your life and how you've seen it happen in your patients.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, I can't wait to learn from you today. And I would love to start by having you talk directly to the person that's listening and explain what could they experience if they really take to heart everything you're about to pour into us, the research, your experience as a physician, everything that you've learned in researching and writing six books, what could change about your life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, you and I both know, of course you're going to feel different.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And you just gave us the actual only way it gets done because most of us make a mistake in that moment where we hurt this video about health and we say, okay, I'm going to go to the gym three times a week for 45 minutes. And then you don't because it's hard to do that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And it's actually more complicated than you think to find the time to get the clothes, to get into the gym, to figure out what the workout is. And what you're saying is there's a totally different way to go from inspiration to action. Make it as easy as hell. Make it five minutes long.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Find a trigger like making coffee that you don't even think about and set up the environment with one simple thing so that you have the things you need right there and try it for seven days and you'll be shocked.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, I can't wait until you teach us how to make the third pillar, which is sleep, something that's easy using these principles because... as a medical doctor and literally being Europe's doctor, and the tens of thousands of patients that you've treated,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
It is really sad and troubling how many people are not getting enough sleep, how they're having trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, not dropping into deep sleep. And so can you share with us how you say a good night's sleep starts in the morning and what we need to do to make this easy?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And we have so many people around the world that write in when they hear about light exposure in the morning that say, well, I have to leave for work before the sun's even up. So how do you do that if it's raining or you have a job where you're already starting work and the sun hasn't risen?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, let's talk about that. How can someone create an evening routine that leads to better sleep if they're doing this stuff in the morning that's easy?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
No, we did not do that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
We had a whole routine. Right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
This is just like food. You basically said, if I don't want to eat it, I don't have it in the house. If you don't want to look at your phone in the bedroom, then you don't have it in the bedroom. You're just making it easy. I'm not a superhuman. Well, you're following your principles. You make it easy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
You know, I'll tell you something. As I'm sitting here listening to you, And I'm nodding along and I'm thinking, I have to do this five-minute thing. I have to do this five-minute thing because I have completely fallen off the entire category of movement because I have been in the middle of this crazy book launch and all this travel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And I've been too tired and things have been so chaotic and I haven't been able to do my normal thing. And you're reminding me that there is still always five minutes left. there is still always something you can do. And you're also reminding me that this very important principle, I'm not failing. The routine that I do in my normal schedule is failing me right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And that's a liberating way to look at this. I could listen to you all day. And I know we have a lot more to cover, but I want to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our sponsors. And while you're listening to our sponsors, share this episode with the people that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And don't you dare go anywhere because Dr. Chatterjee has so many more things to share with you and tips and ways to make positive change stick. Stay with us. We'll be back after a short break. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And today you and I are talking about simple changes that transform your health with the amazing Dr. Chatterjee.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So Dr. Chatterjee, my next question is, why do you need the fourth pillar relaxed if we've already got the third pillar of sleep?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So 80 to 90% of the health issues, the ailments, the symptoms that people are struggling with is related to stress.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, we actually had Dr. Aditi Nararkar on the show, and she said in her research that stress is the single consistent cause of of illness as well. Like if you look at the clustering of things that cause it, it's always present. And it's the one thing that is in your control in terms of your ability to mitigate against it. So when you say relaxation, you're also talking about
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
the importance of de-stressing and finding times to relax? What do you mean by that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Dr. Chatterjee, what is stress?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So are you also saying, though, that if we're eating a ton of processed foods and a ton of sugar and we're not getting sleep and we're not moving our bodies, that the lack of those things also creates that physiological condition in our body? Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Some of the recent studies I've seen is that up to 80% of people in the United States are in a medical state of chronic stress.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, I'm excited because here's what I know. The person that is listening right now, whether they've taken you and me on a walk with them or we're sitting in the car with them or at their house or at work, or the person that received this conversation from a friend, they actually found the time because they care about their health.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So what are some of your favorite simple things that you do or that you recommend to your patients that do help you reset from this, I'm in an attack mode state to, I can breathe.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And I'm sure as you're listening, you probably feel the same way I do, which is I'm so, even though I sit down with world-renowned experts like you, I'm like, wait a minute, should I do keto? Am I supposed to fast? Am I exercising? Am I weight training? Am I sleeping? Am I meditating? Do I get my morning light in?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
What does that mean, especially given that people feel lonely already?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I'll give you one that you've already explained us. I would say that the act of making your coffee and doing your movement on your own, for yourself, by yourself, is exactly that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Before we go any further, how do you feel after doing that? My shoulders dropped.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I felt myself settle. I almost felt like there's a downshift.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And it becomes so overwhelming that I think it's easy to start and then feel discouraged. And so maybe where we should start is, as a doctor, what are just the most common health struggles that you hear over and over from your patients and from your global audience?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I believe you. I believe you. I love that your approach to health, Dr. Chatterjee, over the years has really evolved to a much more profound connection to living a meaningful life. And I know you. I've read your six books. I listen to your podcast. I follow your work. So I also know that your father's life had a very big impact on you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Could you just share a little bit about how your father's story has informed and influenced your approach and your mission and why this matters so much to you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
One of the things that you write about, it's on page 28 on your new bestselling book, Make Change That Lasts, is you write about this period in your life and the person listening may be in a position in their life where they're in the caregiver role. whether that's because you work as a first responder or a nurse in a hospital or you're a teacher or you have aging parents.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And you just shared with us that you moved home when your dad became ill and you helped your brother and your mom and you write about your reflections about caregiving. And I want to read What you wrote and then have you speak to it a little bit. This is on page 28 and 29. You say, you know, when I look back now to the time I used to care for dad, I don't regret a thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
However, on reflection, my belief that his well-being was entirely my responsibility wasn't helpful. The truth was he had a loving family and a brilliant team of medical professionals all available to him. But for whatever reason, I generated a myth for myself to live by that said I could only be happy if I personally met his every need. That myth trapped me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
It was the cause of a great deal of pain in my body and mind as well as to my wife, who had to deal with my regular absences and my significantly increased loads of stress. If I'd been able to hear my body's signals, I would have realized much earlier that something was wrong.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
If I knew then what I know now, I would have meditated on the issue, realized that this damaging myth that I was responsible for him and meeting his every need, that was holding me down. And I would have empowered myself to make changes. I would love to have you speak to that realization and what you want the person listening to know who is in a role where you're the caregiver and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
and the stress is overwhelming, and you do feel the responsibility, because a lot of people say the words, well, if I'm not here, nobody else is. So what would you say, Dr. Chatterjee, based on your life experience caring for your father and that myth?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
See, he's one of these doctors that's not just a medical expert. He's with you and he's with the people you love and he cares about how you feel. And today he is here to teach you that there are just four things, only four, not 40, four things you need to focus on when it comes to your health.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
How are you different?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I think a lot of caregivers do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
That it's all on me. This is my identity. If they're not doing well, it's my fault. If I'm not here, no one's here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, what I love about the fact that you as a doctor and as a son shared that you made it your identity, you drove yourself into the ground that didn't help your father, it didn't help you, it didn't help your mother, and that we've talked a lot about small changes. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
that somebody could make is if you're able to see that this doesn't have to be your identity, it's just one of the things that you are taking care of because you really are the kind of person that values taking care of somebody else. It's part of your values, but it doesn't define you. That maybe that allows you
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Right. I call that a Z-pack, right? I'm like, I need antibiotics, doc.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
to claim another five to 10% of your time back and say, it's okay if they have a bad day. It's okay if they're struggling right now. It's okay if they're alone for 20 minutes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So for the person listening and all of the people that they're about to share this with who are just... the relentless demands of being a caregiver, what is the one thing that they could shift right now to reclaim a little space for themselves without feeling like you're giving up on someone else?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I love it. Dr. Chatterjee, what do you think the most powerful lesson is that you've learned after being in medical practice for over 23 years and working with patients and writing bestselling books and having one of the top health podcasts in the world? What is one of the most powerful lessons you've learned about how anybody can create lasting change?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
You're not. You're not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Dr. Chatterjee, what are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Dr. Chatterjee, I am in awe of your ability to make what is so overwhelming, so simple, so profound, so urgent, and I think most importantly, available. and hopeful to me and to the person listening, because that very last piece that you said, I have come to believe the same thing, that it's not a matter of somebody not having the will. It's that they have a belief that it's not going to matter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And if you know the simple things you can do, but you do not believe it's going to matter, you will never do them. But what you successfully did today and what you do in all of your work is that you show up for us and explain the complicated in a way that makes it not just simple and easy, but you make me and the person listening believe that it's worth trying. And that's a gift.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Thank you for sharing your gifts and your passion and your wisdom with me and with the person listening today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Oh my God, I just love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. And I wanna tell you, whomever you share this with, because I'm sure you had a bunch of people in your life that you were thinking about as Dr. Chatterjee was pouring into us today, There is no doubt that this time that your loved ones are going to get to spend with Dr. Chatterjee, life-altering, absolutely life-altering.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So if you're concerned, if you care about, if you just love people in your life, please send this to them because it's hard to get through to the people that we care about. But I have a feeling that Dr. Chatterjee... He's going to be able to work his magic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to change your life. And so does Dr. Chatterjee. So take everything you just learned today and actually do it because your life will change if you do. You're going to feel better. You're going to see the results. You're going to experience hope.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And I so want that for you. You deserve that. All righty. I'll talk to you in a few days. I'll be waiting in the very next episode to welcome you in the second you hit play. I'll see you there. I am so excited to talk to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Well, we're friends and we admire each other's work. And that's a... That's a good starting point. Yes. That's a very good starting point for a conversation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Oh, you can do that. Kevin can handle anything. All right. Great. Awesome. Okay. Ad breaks. Here we go. Yes. Okay. Great. And if you're a brand new listener and if you're new... Oh, because... And to be together... Anything else? Okay. Boom, people, that's how it's done. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So let me just make sure the person got exactly what you said. So you're saying that the landscape of health and medicine has changed dramatically in the last 20 years and that you used to, 20 years ago, have a situation where people would come in with an acute illness or problem or health challenge, you address it, we're good, we're back on track.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
What you're seeing now is the impact of how we are living and the stress that we are feeling and the foods that we're consuming. And that as a medical doctor and in the current health system, we're not actually addressing the root cause or potentially addressing four more simple things that are within our control that would have a positive impact on you and your life no matter what you're facing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
So like if the person listening has a cancer diagnosis, if the person listening is dealing with a metabolic disorder or early onset of diabetes, These four pillars that you're talking about are still things that as a medical doctor, you're like, let's just start here in addition to everything else.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
He's also going to teach you his five-minute exercise routine, just five minutes, that he prescribes to his patients. And check this out. He does it in his kitchen every morning, and so can you. And it has life-changing impacts on your health. He's also going to share the three Fs that will help you manage cravings and so much more. And he's going to teach you how to use what you've got.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
And no matter what it is that you're dealing with right now, you're going to ask us, let's just talk about food, movement, sleep, and relaxation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
Hold on. I got to make sure that we highlight that. So your lifestyle and some of the changes you can make starting today can be part of the treatment for any health issue. And it's part of the roadmap for you feeling better, lowering your stress and being healthier.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
100%.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
What? Using food, movement, sleep, and rest?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I love that because I can remember this food, movement, sleep, and rest. And it's almost like a simple checklist. So let's go through each one of the four pillars. What do you mean by food? How do we turn it into health? How do we turn it into medicine? How do we use it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
to help us be healthier, even as you're saying, like actually reverse some of the symptoms or health things that we're challenged with.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I don't want to hear that. I want you to make this very simple, Dr. Josh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
everything he's going to share with you. He has seen work and has had success with thousands of patients who have tried these very simple changes in these four key ways. And so here's the deal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Change Your Body & Your Life in 1 Month: 4 Small Habits That Actually Work
I feel it. I especially feel it around what exactly to eat. You know what I mean? As a woman versus a man, now that I'm in my 50s versus my 30s, I need a certain amount of protein. What kind of protein? Should I be fasting? Should I not be fasting? Should I have electrolytes? You see what I'm saying?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know, I've been in a really reflective mood lately. I'm always that way this time of year. And so I decided to just look back over the year and think about the moments on the podcast that had the biggest impact on me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And his work centers around how to be a better communicator in a way that brings you closer to people and allows you to have the hard conversations. Because the fact is, you got to have hard conversations to make your relationships better. And that person that I'm talking about is none other than the amazing Jefferson Fisher.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Now, Jefferson Fisher is a seasoned trial lawyer, but he's gained millions of followers online because he sits in the front seat of his car in between his cases in court, giving straightforward, powerful communication advice. And what I love about Jefferson is he's got this just kind of soft spoken way of teaching you how to be articulate and persuasive and tactful and to stand your ground.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I've been following him for a long time and I've watched him just explode on social media. And so I'm proud that he jumped on a plane from Texas. He came to our Boston studios and he taught you and me how the power of what you say and what you don't say shapes who you are, that your words matter. And he is just the king of practical insights when it comes to how do you speak up?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
When do you say silent? What do you do if somebody's gaslighting you? And my favorite topic that I covered with Jefferson is how do you actually set up a difficult conversation, okay? And it turns out I've been doing it all wrong and you probably have too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Because when you think about having to sit down with somebody and have a conversation that you're really nervous about, and you know that's true because you've been avoiding it like the plague, you probably dance around it. Well, Jefferson says that's exactly what you shouldn't do. And so I'm going to have you listen to him.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You're making me panic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
As I'm listening to you, Jefferson.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
This is an absolutely extraordinary episode to listen to as your very first episode. I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family, and it's a real honor to have you here. And I'm absolutely thrilled to be able to share these meaningful moments with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I didn't even know what to say because he's right. And my entire life, I'm 56 years old. I have handled this wrong. Because first of all, if I have something hard I need to say to somebody or I have to give somebody some difficult feedback or I got to sit somebody down and just tell them, yep, I'm not going to do what you need me to do or I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I do tiptoe around it. I am afraid of the other person's reaction. Sometimes I don't want to deal with the reaction. And that's why I kind of do that thing where you try to like make it softer than it needs to be. But he's right, isn't he?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
imagine my favorite thing is this isn't my favorite thing to talk about this is not something I want to be having a conversation with you about right now this is not going to be a good conversation I have bad news I mean just saying that you feel kind of powerful because you're just putting it out there and I love what he also reminded you and me of it's true
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
People will respect you if you respect them enough to just tell them the truth. And when you tell somebody, hey, this isn't my favorite conversation, but I need to tell you the truth. What happens is you're also saying, I believe in your ability to handle the truth and I respect you enough to give it to you. And that was an eye-opener for me and I've been using it ever since.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And so the next thing that really struck me about Jefferson, and you know, if you haven't heard the episode, the link is in the notes section in the show description, wherever it is that you're listening to this conversation or watching on YouTube right now. That tone of voice that he has, he didn't modulate the entire conversation. There's so much power in being in control of your words.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I don't know about you, but there are moments in life where somebody says something that's sort of like a backhanded compliment or they are a little belittling. Like oftentimes I find that that happens a lot where people will make a remark about my success and then they'll kind of cut Chris down, my husband, and be like, must be nice to have your wife pay all the bills.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I've never known how to respond. And neither has Chris. When somebody kind of belittles you that way or says something backhanded, well, now I do. Thanks to Jefferson. Here's what he had to say is the way you need to handle it the next time somebody says something that you find offensive or belittling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Of course, there's no better place for me to start, for me, when Dr. Doty hopped on a plane and flew all the way across the United States to join me in our Boston studios. And let me tell you a little bit about him, and then I'm gonna tell you about what you're gonna hear. Dr. Jim Doty is a pioneering Stanford neurosurgeon.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We need to role play this.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I'm trying to think of a scenario.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I need you to repeat that.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Tell you what, we're all taking Jefferson Fisher with us to every family interaction because we got instigators in our family. You know, the kind of people that, oh, I'm just kidding. Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You don't need to be so sensitive. I love this. I need you to say that again. I can't wait for somebody to turn to me and Chris and take a jab at Chris.
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Oh, must be nice to be married to Mel and not have to do anything all day. I need you to say that again. Are you saying that to belittle me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like all of a sudden it's not that fun anymore. Man, I love Jefferson Fisher. Don't you love Jefferson Fisher? He made a huge impact on my life this year. And so, wow.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Well, there are four more experts, we're just getting started, that have had a profound impact on me this year. And you're going to meet them after we take a very short break so you can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. Don't you dare go anywhere because I got more of my favorite moments and they're going to be your favorite moments too when we return. Stay with me. Welcome back.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today I'm sharing with you a few of my favorite moments from the last year on the Mel Robbins podcast. And these are moments with experts where I was either really moved or I learned something that fundamentally changed how I either deal with a specific situation or how I look at a particular issue.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And by pioneering, I mean the man has actually created a spinal surgery technique that has transformed spinal surgery. He's also a world-renowned neuroscientist. He's founded a bunch of companies. He's also the founder and the director of the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, and the former chairman of the Dalai Lama Foundation.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So we've already covered Dr. Doty and the way that he has truly made you realize that you have the power to help someone else. simply by being kind to somebody. He also told us that you got to be calm if you're going to try to manifest. And that's not just advice, it's neuroscience.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We also learned from Jefferson Fisher, simple things you can say to take your power back when somebody is trying to take your power away. I need you to say that again. I think I'm going to talk in that slow kind of draw that he has that just feels powerful, doesn't it? Well, I'm going to tell you what else is powerful. And that is when I got to sit down with Dr. Rebecca Robbins.
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Now, Dr. Rebecca is a professor at Harvard Medical School, and she is a leading researcher on sleep and circadian rhythms at Brigham and Women's Hospital. Dr. Robbins has earned her PhD from Cornell and completed postdoctoral training at NYU and Harvard, specializing in sleep and circadian disorders.
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Now, if you wanted to see her in her private practice, like we're talking years to get into her sleep clinic. Her research is the research that people that write books about sleep are citing. So she is the OG when it comes to sleep. And one of the things that I noticed immediately is her voice is is so soothing.
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I mean, we need a sleep app with Dr. Robin's voice on it, but she showed up and shared actionable science-based strategies that are gonna help you have better sleep overall, that's gonna boost your energy, your focus, and your overall wellbeing. And one of the things that she talked about, there are two moments that I'm gonna share with you that really changed how I think about sleep
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
and what I do at night to get ready for sleep. And the first thing that we talked about is that, you know, I don't know what you're like, but 10 o'clock is my bedtime. Do you know what time I climb in bed? 10 o'clock. Do you know what time I think I should be asleep? 10 o'clock. I literally go from 100 miles an hour running around the house to 10 o'clock, I'm right in my bed.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Dr. Robbins was like, major mistake. Check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So is that takeaway number one, that climbing into bed so you have a consistent time that you're signaling that you're gonna start the process of falling asleep and having your alarm ring at roughly the same time is one of the first things we wanna do?
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You know, just listening to her, I'm like, I know she didn't mean it this way, but I'm like, Mel, you dummy. Like, why do you think you can sprint from the kitchen fully clothed in your clogs while you're texting your kids goodnight and turning off the lights? And then literally, do you get undressed by the side of your bed? I get undressed by the side of my bed. I do.
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Now, Dr. Doty was in our studios to talk about his work and research on the topic of manifesting. That's right. We're learning about the process of manifesting from a neurosurgeon. And he just... opened my eyes to the topic of manifesting in ways that I cannot wait to share with you because I believe in manifesting.
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And then I climb in and then I lay there. It's like, because there's no buffer. And when you hear her tell you the truth and the science about needing a simple wind-down routine, it just makes sense, doesn't it? And I thought, Mel, you deserve that.
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I mean, on the nights where you take a bath, woman, you crawl into that bed just like you did when you were a kid, all swaddled up and warm, and you just, whew, you just fall right asleep. Why are you not doing this every night? And so I asked Dr. Robbins, I was like, okay, yes, I'm in. I want that cup of tea. I want that wind down routine.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And so I said, you know, Dr. Robbins is one of the leading sleep researchers on the planet in clinical practice, running the sleep web. What is your wind down routine? And just take a listen to what she had to say, because I think you will never look at your evening routine the same ever again?
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
But learning about how there are four different parts of your brain that you're using when you're manifesting, it was just mind-blowing and empowering. So the first thing I want to share with you from that conversation with Dr. Doty is a story that he shared at the very beginning of our conversation, where he describes being a 12-year-old kid.
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Oh my gosh. So here's what I've done with that. I think about what are the three things that I can do every night, no matter where I am. And I want you to think about these three things too. Take her invitation, because she did speak directly to you. What are three things you can do every single night that kind of become your wind down routine, that signal to you that it's time?
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And for me, the first thing is I always draw Beth. Like that's my new, ever since Dr. Robbins, I do not miss it. And in fact, when I go to a hotel, I beg for a room with a bathtub. And I know that might kind of gross you out. If it looks kind of dingy, I'll just wash it before I climb into it. But I love a bath. And if I can't have a bath, I'll take a shower.
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And when I start drying the bath or I turn on the shower, that's my signal to plug my phone in for the night and to just turn off the screen and leave it in the bathroom. And then I take the bath. And when I'm done with the bath, this may be getting a little too personal here.
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I don't know if I should be telling you this, but while I'm soaking wet, I put lotion all over my body because I feel like it locks in the moisture and I want really smooth skin. So there you have it. There's my skincare tip. And then I just climb into bed. I turn off the light. And before I drift off to sleep, the final thing I do is I put my hand on my heart and I close my eyes.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I think about three things that went really well today. Because your brain will find what you ask it to look for. And this kind of goes back to the Dr. Doty manifesting piece that at the end of the day with this routine, especially after a hot shower bath and without a phone anywhere near me.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And now that I'm climbed into like my cozy sheets and I've got my hand in my heart, I'm calm, aren't I? And so as I go through the day and I think about three things that went well or three things that I'm grateful for, this is a form of manifesting because I'm training my mind to default on what's good. And that helps me continue to see things that are good.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know, the ones where I was really moved or an expert challenged me to think about a topic in an entirely new way, or they shared a tool that fundamentally changed my approach to something. And so I've decided to gather up my favorite moments today and share them with you. And you're about to meet the six experts.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And usually I kind of drift right off to sleep. But I think the most encouraging thing that Dr. Robbins did share is that sleeping is a skill. And you can take intentional, simple steps that she shares in that episode to learn how to be a better sleeper. That's available to you. And it's one of the core pillars of creating a better life. And so here's what we're going to do.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We are going to hit the pause. We're with people in your life that you care about, whether it's because they need to hear the part about manifesting or they need the strategies from Jefferson Fisher, or they've been complaining that they haven't been getting a great night's sleep. I mean, the gift of the world's leading sleep researcher, it's free.
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Just share this episode and don't go anywhere because after you hear a word from our sponsors, you know what's going to happen? I'm going to kick it up a notch because we've got three more amazing people that I'm going to introduce you to. One of whom is Trent Shelton, former NFL player, does not fool around. Everything that comes out of that man's mouth is like a truth bomb meets a soul slap.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
He grew up in a house where there was a lot of conflict and fighting, and he would hop on his bike and And rides his bike is far away from the stuff going on in the household that he grew up in. And one day he ends up at this magic shop and it changed the trajectory of his life because of how the woman working in that magic shop taught him as a 12 year old.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
whatever that means, but you know, we're going to be picking it up and we're going to be dropping the truth and you are going to feel motivated and inspired because Trent Shelton is coming next. And we're talking about your personal power. We're talking about protecting your peace and he's going to give you his three-step guide to having better boundaries. So stay with me.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, I'm sharing my favorite moments with experts that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast in the past year. And I've got six people that really touched my heart, they changed my mind, They gave me the tools that I needed to approach situations in my life differently.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And the next person that I'm thrilled to introduce you to is a very dear friend of mine. His name is Trent Shelton. Trent is a former NFL player, and he is also an extraordinary motivational speaker and New York Times bestselling author. Now, I love Trent. And we're constantly texting back and forth and sharing ideas about business and life and parenting.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And after his NFL career, Trent became a powerful voice in personal growth. And he inspires millions of people to claim their power and change their lives. He reaches over 60 million people every single week. And his book, Protect Your Peace, New York Times bestseller. He hopped on a plane and flew all the way from Texas and arrived in our Boston studios.
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And holy cow, like an NFL coach, he was ready to go. And what was the topic? He wants to set the record straight about what you're accepting in life. and your power to change the dynamic between you and other people, the power that you have to protect your peace. And so I want you to sit up straight and take a listen, because I'm gonna pass the mic to my friend, Trent.
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And I'm going to play this in just a minute for you to listen to. But the reason why this is so important is is that I believe that we are all equipped to help one another. In fact, I think that you're best equipped to help the person that you once were.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So true.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That's right, Trent. And none of us want to see that, right? We want to blame other people. But I love that Trent walked you and me step by step through how you can think about boundaries and why you need them. And I'll tell you why, because your piece is worth protecting.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it's very clear to me that when this 12-year-old version of Jim Doty walked into the magic shop, the woman working there saw a kid who needed someone to care. And that right there changed the trajectory of his entire life.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And the thing that I keep thinking about over and over and over again, did you catch that part where he talked about your energy is a battery? And that you spend more time trying to protect your iPhone and recharging your smartphone than you do protecting your own energy and recharging your own battery. And that's why I've come back to this over and over and over again.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It's also one of the reasons why I love the let them theory so much. Because let them, when you say let them, you know what that is? That's a boundary. You're drawing a boundary and saying, I recognize that this is not a situation that I care to drain my energy over, so I'm going to let them. And the second part, when you go, let me, let me focus on what's in my control.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Let me focus on what I want to say, think and do. Let me protect my peace and preserve my energy and recharge myself. That's a boundary too. And so I just want to thank Trent for giving you permission and showing up here with a level of urgency and honesty to say, you tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.
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So let them and start focusing on yourself because it's going to make you a heck of a lot happier. And speaking of happiness, that brings me to the fifth person this year. I just find myself reflecting on this conversation a lot. Who am I talking about? Talking about Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar. Dr. Tal Ben-Jahar is a globally recognized authority on happiness.
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He's known for his groundbreaking research on goals, motivation, and well-being. And he also taught two of Harvard's most popular courses ever taught. And those courses are positive psychology and the psychology of leadership, making his work foundational in the study of happiness. He is also the bestselling author of eight books. That's incredible.
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Where he distills complex psychology and practical insights and empowers people worldwide to pursue a more fulfilling life. Now he rolled into our Boston studios and I got to tell you, I don't know what was in the air, but one of the reasons why I remember this and you're going to hear it in the best of bloopers at the end of this episode is the cameras kept breaking.
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It was almost like there were poltergeists in the studio. I'm sitting here with the world-renowned expert in happiness. He's got a big smile on his face. Click, camera turn off. Oh my gosh, we laugh. Click, camera turns off. Oh my gosh. It happened like 17 times. And you want to know what? He's the real deal. He just sat there smiling because he knows the meaning of happiness.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And he taught it to us in the conversation. And it was in this conversation that he revealed the major mistake that I had been making around happiness. And you might too. Now, I think I'm like a very happy person. I'm a very optimistic person. And up until this conversation, I had been trying to be a happy person. And then he comes out of nowhere and shares this piece of advice.
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I learned that every morning when I would wake up and say to myself, oh, Mel, you're going to be happy today. I was actually doing something wrong. Check this out.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I want to make sure you really understand the power of this metaphor. He's saying that if you and I stare intently at something that we think is going to make us happier. Like, let's just say you're single and you just think, oh my gosh, if only I can find the one that I'm going to be happier, or if I can make more money, I'm going to be happier.
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If I can find a house to buy that I can, I'm going to be happier. That that kind of pursuit of it and this intense focus, it's the same thing as staring at the sun. It creates blindness, makes you miserable. You see all these dots. That's not going to make you happy is what he's saying. But when you break apart the sun through a prism, it casts a rainbow.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And if you really stop and think about the power of that idea, the sun is a singular thing. When you break it apart through a prism and it creates a rainbow of a full range of colors, think about the massive amount of possibility in that, that there are so many things that make you happy.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That even if you think about the band of purple, that the band of purple in a rainbow, it's not just one color of purple. It's this just shades and different hues of purple. What does that mean? What he's basically saying to you is, first of all, happiness is more than one thing.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Happiness is made up of a bazillion different things that all come together to create this magnificent thing called a rainbow. Don't just stare at the sun. When you understand that it is comprised of so many things that are right around you and available to you, you don't have to go for it at all. You don't have to stare blindly at one thing.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You can just welcome it in and appreciate all that's around you. I mean, it's just such a cool concept. And so I said to him, because I started to wonder, okay, I really get this. And it's very much changed how I think about this because I can now have one thing that's going really badly. Like I can have a horrendous day at work or I can get very sad news.
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And then because I understand that the feeling of happiness in your life isn't the one thing, it's actually all things, that I still have the space to stare off at a sunset and allow it in. I still have the space to see my dogs playing with one another and to smile and to allow it in.
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that it's not just the thing that you think that's going to make you happy, that you can be happier now by allowing yourself to be, because it's all around you and it's in so many things that are right there. And so I was really curious. I'm like, okay, what does the professor who taught two of the most popular courses ever at Harvard, what is his definition of happiness?
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And so I asked him, and this is what Dr. Ben Shahar had to say.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I love that. I absolutely love that. I guess he must be one of the most popular professors ever at Harvard because I certainly learned a lot and his perspective changed the way that I not only view happiness, but certainly how I experience it. While we're on the topic of happiness, Let me just talk about something that can make you really unhappy, and that's not handling your money correctly.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it may surprise you that one of my all-time favorite moments of the entire year happened to be when I sat down with a financial expert. I absolutely loved getting to meet and learn from and spend time with the extraordinary Tiffany Aliche. Now, Tiffany flew into our Boston studios from Atlanta. I got to tell you, Tiffany's a genius.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Like you are literally going to learn you don't need discipline. You need automation. She's going to help you fight your humanness. She's going to help you figure out what are your wants versus your needs. She's going to make you think about a budget like your mother. She is also going to tell you there's a moment where it's the truth time, tissues and tears, baby. But most of all, she's a realist.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
She's been there. Her advice is hilarious and it works. So check this out.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I like the name money list.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
A budget. Okay. I love this reframe because I hear the word budget and I hear no and restriction. And you're saying that the budget is how you say yes to what's important.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So for somebody hearing you say that and they're like, but I've never made a budget or I've never stuck to one.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And you've made the money list and you see what's coming in and what's coming out. You're like faced with the reality. Yeah. Tears and tissues. Yes. And you see that you are outspending every month what's actually coming in.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Never going to turn the lights on in this house. Get the candles.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And give me an example. I know that sounds like a basic question, but is your mortgage a bill?
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Like when you were standing at Walmart or Sephora and you're like, yeah, I'd like 10% off this. And then you're like, oh, wait, that's a credit card.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So your student loan does not have a U. Your mortgage or rent does not have a U. But the- Water. Electricity.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
The data on your phone.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know, one of the things that I worry about, and I'd be curious to hear your perspective, is that you and I both had the experience of being in college. And it's that opening week. And literally at the opening registration fair, there were banks with credit card tables. You get your Snickers bar when you sign up for one, and then it's free money. But I worry a lot about...
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
the fact that in today's world, particularly for people who are in their 20s and 30s, that social media has become Like shopping with a click. And you and I had to leave our house to go spend money back in the day. And when I think about TikTok or Instagram, every other freaking suggested thing has a shop now button. Mm-hmm. And stuff gets sent to your house.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And have you seen a big increase, because you've been doing this for a while, in people in the spending category? That spending has gotten so easy because of social media. It's always in your face. You always see what you're missing out on. There's an influencer that has the product for free who's like, this changed my life. And oh, click, click, click. It's 11.30 at night. So do you see...
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh, so you at your company level, you basically say X percent of my paycheck is going to go into checking account.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know, as I'm listening to her, I'm just smiling. Doesn't she make you want to do a budget? You better believe she does. And she's going to help you automate it because you deserve to get good with money and she's going to help you out. And so I hope that is a episode and that segment is something that you share with everybody that you love because everybody needs to hear it.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it's fun to listen to. But that wasn't the moment that just rocked me to my core. It was at the very end, after we had spent an hour and a half talking budgets and bills and bankruptcy and automation, I asked her, do you have any final parting wisdom that you'd like to share?
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You are a gift to all of us. Thank you. Thank you for absolutely everything that you poured into us today. What's coming up for you?
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
He was a really good man. He still is. And he's really proud of you.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Yeah.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We're really fortunate that we have you. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you. You're welcome. I, um, I feel very grateful that you are now my friend. Thank you. Thank you. And the thing is, is that when you don't understand money And you were going to make me cry. When you don't understand money and you're really scared about where you are, it clouds everything that's important. Yeah.
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Until it comes crashing in your face and you waste it. And you spend all your emotional energy in that shame. Yeah. And you not only miss the solutions, but you're not present for your life.
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The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You lifted it up. You made it way more important, honestly. Thank you. No, thank you. Thank you. It wasn't just a moment that moved me. Thousands of you took the time to write to me about it. I'm not even talking about the number of you that commented on it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
or that left reviews about that episode, or shared that episode with the people that you love, thousands of you from around the world took the time to write to me at melrobbins.com. I mean, within days, they just came pouring in comments like this one from Jennifer, The last few minutes of this hit hard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
My husband was a financial advisor for a large firm and he had a lot of similar philosophies as Tiffany. My husband also passed away last year. When she broke down, I felt it hard. She is so right about spending money on memories. I'm planning a big trip, an expensive one, with my sons because we've gone through a lot with the loss of their dad.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It will be so worth every penny because we will remember it forever. Our family was so focused on saving and paying off debt that we didn't make those amazing family memories when he was alive. And I don't want to leave this earth without my kids having those memories with me. It makes you really stop and think, why are you working so hard if you never stop and allow yourself to actually enjoy it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I will never forget that conversation with Tiffany. And it has fundamentally changed the way that I think about money, the way I think about the importance of memories and time with the people that you love while you have it, and slowing down and allowing myself to enjoy the time that I have, that rainbow that Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar was talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And you're going to hear the moments from the Mel Robbins podcast that fundamentally changed my life. And I promise you, they're going to change your life too. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you. And today in particular, I think our time is going to be extraordinarily moving.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Because as I often say, there's an invisible clock that none of us can see. And so while you still got the time, I deeply, truly hope you choose to make the most of it. I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending so much time with me this year. It's such an honor to be together with you, to take walks with you, to ride in the car with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I do not take your trust or the fact that you spend your time and your energy with me lightly. It is one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received in my life and I'm gonna do everything I can to make everything that we do next year even more amazing than the topics that we covered this year.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And one of the things that is extraordinarily clear from all of the experts and the time that we've spent together this year, is that allowing yourself to enjoy what you have is one way that you can create a better life right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Alrighty, I'll see you in the next episode. Okay, well, hold on a second. Here we go. Hold on a second. Let's save this for, let's get started.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It's beautiful. You know, it really moved me to see just how in tune he is with this simple idea that everyone deserves to be seen. And I want to underscore something, and it's this. Never forget your own ability to change someone else's life. I really do believe you have the power to help yourself and to help someone else. And that's one of the reasons why I show up here every single week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
No way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Why headless?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Mister, I don't really know what I'm doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know what? I'm going to actually use that quote. You're pretty cool. I think we're supposed to be friends.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh, my God. Okay, tonight we're getting sleep. Tonight we're sleeping. I love that. Oh, my God. That's what you're pulling up top, right? The second she said that, I would've been like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Are you guys ready for us? Yeah. Sorry. I just want... Are cameras rolling? I should probably wait in case I say something. Okay. Okay. I'm on? Great. And as soon as the tele... Audio only. You know what? Do you guys have a cloth for these things? I don't know about your glasses. Always. It's like, how the hell do they get so dirty? Do you think we touch our glasses a lot and we don't realize it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Around the world. Did you hear that again?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I know you, you know, you hear that. We're going to keep going. The thing that I found. His did not turn off. That one did.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That one I did.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Did it just turn off? Awesome. Great show.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
There we go. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Okay. This is great. Okay. Here we go. It looks fantastic. Here we go. Okay. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. We got to go back up. Let's give it. Let me just do one thing real quick. Okay. Right. Will you take it all the way till after the break? Yeah, just jump into there. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Portal is open, baby. Portal is open. The magnet. Oh my God. Trent. Oh my God. That work? Okay. All right. Great. I got to wait for my action though. All right. Are we good with that? Is the garbage truck done? We're just going to keep going. Go for it. And we'll go up a little bit more. I'm sorry. I should say back, shouldn't I? Is that good? Is that simpler?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That stuff like flies over my head when people start talking about that. Okay. I'm going to do one more. Sorry. Including. Okay. Sorry. Go up one more time. 2 million people to be exact. Save million. Oh my Lord. Let me go back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it's why I'm so grateful that you and I get to spend time together, because that's what we're doing. We're helping one another to feel seen, to understand the simple things that we can do to lift each other up. And so once I wiped away the tears, we got down to the topic that Dr. Doty was there to talk about, which is manifesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Now manifesting is something that I believe in, and it's not just closing your eyes and hoping that a pony shows up. Manifesting is the process where you intentionally align your thoughts with what you truly want in life. And when you do it properly, you are programming your mind, your body, your spirit, your nervous system, your brain, to help you get these things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It doesn't mean you don't do the work. It just means you're aligning your own body and mindset to help you do the work. And I love manifesting. It is a tool that I use. But Dr. Doty was the very first person to point out a huge mistake that everybody makes when they're manifesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And he's a neuroscientist, so he can not only explain the four different parts of the brain that you're using when you're visualizing and when you're thinking about and allowing yourself to feel the things in your life that you want to have happen. But the major mistake that we're all making, oh my gosh, wait till you hear this. you're manifesting when you're stressed out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Like you're driving to work and traffic's all backed up and you're gripping the wheel and you're closing your eyes and traffic's stopping. You're like, I just want a beach house and a million dollars. It doesn't work that way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
If you're single and you're like constantly bummed and on edge and you think dating's toxic and you're allowing some stranger who just ghosted you to deplete your self-esteem, manifesting the love of your life, not going to work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Dr. Doty said, and this is something I'd never known, that in order for you to manifest properly, you have to be calm, which to me makes sense, but it was also a revelation. Wow. Who knew? Well, I guess we do now. And so I want to bring you to the point where Dr. Doty has explained, no, you got to be calm. And this is the part people miss. You want to manifest something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You got to get intentional about what you want. You got to drop yourself into a calm state. And then that's when you start to write it down. That's when you visualize it. And so I asked Dr. Doty, you're like the king of this stuff and you're a neurosurgeon and neuroscientist. So tell us, what's your process? What do you do when you wake up to put yourself in a state to manifest?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Because he had explained, oh, I manifest from the moment I wake up. I'm like, okay, well, help us do the same thing. And this is what he said.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And what is the breathing exercise?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And the reason why I'm saying that is because I have been thinking a lot about the last year on the podcast. And I wanted to compile the top moments with experts on this podcast over the last year
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I love that. I love that you can not only use neuroscience and these simple techniques to calm yourself down and then leverage the power of your brain to start to imagine the things that you want in your life, but that there's also this reminder that everything in life is way better when you're sharing it with other people. And that's why I wanted to start with Dr. Jim Doty.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
that truly moved me, that impacted my life, that made me look at a very important topic in life in an entirely new way, that inspired me to change something, not just change it, but to change it for good. And so I'm so excited to be able to share with you Moments with six experts that changed my life. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, somebody sent you this episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I mean, I just have not stopped thinking about him since he walked out of our studio. I feel like the exact same things that he's just shared with you about your ability to help another person is why you and I are here. It's why you're sharing these episodes. And it's why I'm so proud to call you my friend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I'm also grateful that, you know, you didn't see him if you're not watching on YouTube, but he's like this tall guy with white hair and these big black glasses like mine. And you can tell he's just like super confident. And if you saw him at a cocktail party, you would never say to yourself, oh, that's a dude that manifests.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So to have him sit down and be so emotional and moved by how much suffering there is, And how it doesn't have to be that way. That there are simple tools that you can use, like manifesting, like calming yourself down, that can help you change the way that you think. It can help you see bigger possibilities. It can help you ease your own suffering.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I just am grateful that Dr. Doty took the time to be here to teach both of us that. And since one of my favorite moments ended with Dr. Doty reminding us that the journey of life is something that we're doing with other people, that brings me to the second person this year that has had a lasting impact on me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Okay, today you and I are going to talk about habits and I'm going to share the five things. I'm talking essential things, tips, tricks, shortcuts. You can call it whatever you want. These are the ways that I make habits stick. And I wanted to talk to you about this today for a particular reason.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You have to figure out systems to have the cue or the trigger outside of you. And when you start to figure out how to get the cue, the thing that signals the new behavior outside of you, get it out of your any head and get it out into the world. When you start to do that, that's the secret to making behavior stick. And what you're going to learn
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
is going to blow your mind because I know that when you're trying to change any your head, you're keeping it all in your head and you're not using systems outside of you, you are frustrated like Anne is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
The same reason why every any organizer is frustrated because you are trying to stay consistent in your head and you are not using simple systems and simple physical cues to keep you organized and to keep these changes top of mind. That's it. And you are you are managing so much and you listening to me. You don't give yourself enough credit for how much you're juggling in your own mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Stop keeping behavior change in your own mind. And let's get it out of your head because I want you to know something. You're not the problem. You have everything within you. You're not the problem. You are capable of learning new habits. You are capable of making amazing things happen. You're not the problem. The problem is that you're attacking this as an any organizer.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You are planning to do this all in your head. And all you need is Audi systems that keep these new changes front and center in front of you. That's how you stay consistent. Stop relying on willpower. Stop relying on having to remember what you need to do. Absolutely not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
There is no way you are going to achieve your goals or stay consistent or make all those amazing changes that you want to make that you deserve to have happen unless you start to implement systems in your life. And that's what we're going to do next. We're going to take a short break.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
We're going to hear a short word from our sponsors, and then I'm going to come right back, and I'm going to teach you right now the five simple systems that I am using right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I have researched these because I'll be damned if I do not complete the 75 hard challenge, especially since I'm doing it with my husband, who's doing it now for the third time, and he's leading a group of people from around the world through it. So I am getting out of my head, and I am getting into my systems, and so are you, and I'm going to explain them. in just a second. Welcome back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So we're talking about the five simple systems that are going to help you make new behavior change stick. Okay. So system number one, and this is the Mac daddy of Audi organizing. Ready? Make it visible. And by make it visible, I mean put it in front of your freaking face, okay? Because here's the cool thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You're gonna not only wanna bookmark this and listen to it two or three times, but you're gonna wanna come back to this over and over and over again because this is gold, pure gold. This is the shortcut to making new habits stick. But before I jump in, I also wanted to just take a beat and welcome you, if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Instead of rearranging your mind and your mental to-do list, rearrange your house and your environment to support you in remembering your goals and achieving them. your habits, okay? That's how you make this stick. You make it visible. You make it obvious. So let me give you a list of some of the things that I've done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So first, I have the list of all of the things that I need to accomplish in this challenge taped to my mirror above my bathroom sink. Why is it there? Well, because I want to make it visible and obvious. It's the first thing that I see in the morning and it's the last thing that I see at night. Here's another example of a way to make the habit or the goal visible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
My water bottle and the nonfiction book that I'm reading, I put that by the coffee maker every single night. It is sitting there in the morning. Why? Because I can't miss it. I mean, it's, it's obvious. I walk in, I go to make my coffee. Boom. There it is. It's like, Hey bitch, don't forget to drink the water. Hey, read that book. Don't pick up the phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Like, do you see how much easier I made that on myself? Instead of having to go in my head and be like doing mental gymnastics with my, don't pick up the phone. You remember, you got to read the book. I don't want to read the book. I do it. It's like sitting right there out of me. I can't ignore it. Here's another way to make things visible. to support yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
We have this little beverage fridge, right? And normally it's got a ton of beer and wine in it. You know what's in it right now? Not beer and wine. It's now stocked with kombucha, non-alcoholic beer and awesome non-alcoholic spirits and all kinds of spindricks and seltzers and Topo Chico's and all the kind of non-alcoholic stuff that I love to drink. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Because then when I feel a little craving and I go to open up the little beverage fridge because I'm going to sneak because I'm sneaky and I'm a rebel and I only made it a week through the challenge last time. So God knows I'm going to want to sneak it sometime. What do I have? The stuff that I don't want to drink. But the thing that I need to drink is right there. It's visible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Here's another way that I make the habit visible. Every night before I go to bed, I lay out my exercise clothes on the floor. It is a giant middle finger to myself because you want to know what? When I wake up in the morning, do I want to work out? Do I want to have to work out outside? Hell no. It's 37 degrees and raining in Vermont right now. Who in their right mind wants to go outside?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
But when I wake up, it's visible. It's outside of my head. It's in my face. It is reminding me, oh, there's that promise that you regret that you made, Mel. And then I have to remind me of my why as I'm pulling on my tights. The question is, why does this work? Well, let's turn to research from Harvard Business School.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Because this research from Harvard Business School shows that when we make decisions for our future selves, we make better decisions. So let me unpack this for you, okay? When you wake up in the morning and you got all your habits and goals in your head, it's the old you. And you got a decision to make in the morning, right? Do I feel like exercising? Do I even remember I need to exercise?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
It's sleeting, horizontal, disgusting, 37 degree rain outside. Do I feel like exercising? If you are in your head making a decision in real time, you are likely going to make a bad decision, right? I don't want to exercise, so I'm not going to. I'll do it later.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
This is one of those episodes that I know you're going to share with everybody that you care about. And so if somebody that loves you sent you this... I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time and finding the time to hit play and to listen to something that is going to set you up to win this year. Thank you for being interested in your own improvement.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
But when you make decisions for your future self, and that's what you're doing when you literally take the time to put a Post-it note on a mirror. That's what you're doing when you take the time to pull all of the booze out of the fridge and stock it instead with better choices. That's what I'm doing when I put the clothes on the floor. I am making a decision as my future self.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I am saying I know Mel Robbins well enough to know at some point this woman is going to have no willpower. She is going to be weak. She is going to be desperate. She is going to be emotional. And so I need to make a decision for the future Mel Robbins, the Mel Robbins that wants to change.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And when you think from that point of view and you set yourself up for success by making these things visible, you freaking win. Because according to Harvard Business School, you make better decisions when you think about who is the future you and what would that person do. So the night before, Plan out as many decisions as you can.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Because the other thing that you can do, and that means put the water bottle by the coffee maker, set the journal out where you're going to see it, lay out the clothes, put the phone in a different room so that it's not there to look at first thing in the morning. These are things that you can do as the future you. What would the person who already lives this lifestyle be doing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Act like that version of you. And when you set yourself up and make all this stuff visual, here's the other cool thing that happens. You reduce what's called decision fatigue the very next day. And you're taking advantage of this planning for your future self. And you know what? There's a third benefit. I love this. It lowers activation energy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Activation energy is the force that you need to apply to doing something. So I'll go back to the example. It is so much easier for me to get going when my exercise tights are on the floor next to my bed. Duh. It is so much easier for me to get my water consumption done, to drink that big first thing of water, if it's sitting out waiting for me. Duh. Because it takes a lot more energy, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
A lot more force, a lot more fuel for me to not only haul my ass out of bed, but to remember I need to put on exercise tights and to pull open the drawer and to figure out which pair to wear and then to pull them on and then to look at the jog bras and then to decide if I need a sweatshirt or I need a this. I've had to burn through fuel just to figure out what freaking outfit to put on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
By making decisions for my future self and making it visible, boom shakalaka, people, this is easy. I am setting myself up for success. Here's another powerful way to make things visible. Use the alarm on your phone. Seriously, this is a genius hack. Put the alarm on your phone to use to help you be your future self. It's like a reminder from the future, okay? Cake's done. Get up. Go check on it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
No, seriously. So every single smartphone has the ability to set an alarm. And on the alarm, when you go to set the time, there's a label. Right now it says alarm. You can literally change the label to help you remember anything. And here's what's super cool about a simple alarm in your phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Research has found that twice as many people who received quit smoking messages quit smoking over a six month period.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Thank you for wanting to learn shortcuts and things that you can do in order to make new habits stick because that's what we're going to be talking about. So the fact that you chose to listen to this tells me something about you. It tells me you're my kind of person because you're looking to learn and you're interested in improving yourself. And I just think that's super cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So these little systems like setting an alarm in your phone, whether you're reminding yourself to take the vitamins that you want to be taking, or you're reminding yourself to get outside for the run, or you're reminding yourself to spend 30 minutes working on a project that you wanted to get done. They're going to make you, based on the research, twice as successful, twice more likely.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Simple systems work because your life is complicated enough. And if you can put that post-it note up, you are setting yourself up for success. I'm telling you, it's true. And that leads me to system number two. And this is the one that Mel Robbins has to use even more than like stick it in your face. And this is the opposite. Remove the temptation from your site.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Get it out of here, out of sight, out of mind. I wish that were true because a lot of times you're gonna find that even when you say, okay, that's it, I'm not gonna eat gluten, I'm not gonna eat sugar, I'm not gonna eat dairy, still gonna be on your mind, which is why it needs to be out of sight.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So the things that you don't want to do, the bad habits that you have, the little addictions like your phone, let's make it harder for you to just slip into those things, okay? So let me give you some examples. If you don't want to drink, put the alcohol away. Get it off the countertop. Get it in a cupboard. Better yet, put it in the basement.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
If you need to get up early or if you want more sleep, here's what you need to do. Get your phone out of the bedroom. This one simple system, remove the phone from your bedroom, will change your life because it won't be there. You won't look at it in the middle of the night. You won't look at it as you're laying in bed. Get it out of your bedroom. You wanna know why? You can't be trusted.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Neither can I. And I'm gonna give you a really harsh example of this. Let's say the person you love the most has a really bad addiction. Let's just put it out there. They're addicted to cocaine. You love them. They're trying. They're recovering. They're doing great. Would you ever put an eight ball on the bedside table? Of course not. You are more addicted to your phone
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
than people who are addicted to cocaine. I'm not kidding about this. The research is very clear. And so anything that you have a problem with, regulating yourself with. Get it out of your sight. It's an addiction. I'm dead serious about this because I am in that category when it comes to the phone. I know this intellectually.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
In my head, I know that I shouldn't be looking at my phone, which is why I got to get it out of my bedroom so that I don't look at it. You only have to have that temptation a tiny bit more inconvenient to have this system work. They did this really interesting study at Google where they used to keep M&Ms in open bowls at Google. And they were curious in the Google offices.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
What if we just like switched up the system here? And instead of having M&Ms in open bowls, what if we put them in bowls that had lids on them? The candies are still there. You want to know what happened? Employees ate 3 million less M&Ms over the course of a year. Why? Because out of sight, out of mind. Making it just a tiny bit more inconvenient to get the candy had people often pass on it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And the other thing that I think is really cool in life is the more that I can save you the headaches and the heartaches that I've caused myself because I didn't know what I was doing. I was Miss, let's set some goals. Let's go for it for a week and then let's get tired and blow it off and feel like a loser. Well, it took me a long time to realize that habits are simply a skill you can learn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And the candy wasn't so tempting because they couldn't see it. And this also proves what you've already learned. Decision fatigue is a real thing. Simply having to consider lifting off the lid before you reach the M&M's created enough friction for people, enough of a pause that it made them not do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Just like you having to pull open the drawer and pick out your exercise tights often has you walk right past that drawer and not do it at all. So if you want to do it, stick it in front of your face. If you don't, get it out of your sight. Now let's go to another question. And this one comes from Jack.
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5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Jack, great question. And it brings me to system number three. And I got to tell you to brace yourself because this is going to sound redonkulously obvious. But the only way to know that you're on track is to track. Period. That's system number three. You have to track your progress. Again, let's go back to any organization versus Audi organization.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You are no longer allowed to track your progress casually in your mind. You need... to get it outside your mind, which means you need a system for tracking progress. And so back to 75 Hard, I'm going to share with you my daughter's system, which I've stolen. What she did is she created this amazing grid on the wall using Post-it notes. And so for every single day of the 75 days, she wrote
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5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
One through 75 and then created this giant square grid on the wall. And every single evening when she finishes the day, she pulls a post-it note off. And pulling that post-it note off, that is like, that's like a rip. That's like a yeah. That gives you the dopamine. That is like a box checked. If you are a to-do list, I love my boxes checked. I love my things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You will love checking boxes and keeping track. You have to make these systems work for you. An app may be the best damn thing that's ever happened to you. For me, when it comes to tracking myself, it's got to be paper. I got to see it. somewhere like right in front of my face, which is why I use my bathroom mirror.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I will also use the wall in front of my computer or the refrigerator, places that I know that I'm going to bump into it. For you, you may be fine doing it on your phone, on a computer, but that system doesn't work for me. And so that's the other thing. Kind of be flexible with this. Try things out. See what feels right for you. But tracking your progress, this is not negotiable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Get it out of your head. Because there is foundational research here. This is about streaks and progress and not breaking the chain of progress. And so in apps and social media apps, they've gamified this natural tendency in psychology. And so you can do the same. Create a system that's fun for tracking yourself and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And remember what I said at the very beginning, Zoe, my cake eaters, my sugar cutter outers, my people who keep making promises that they don't know why they're doing it. Get clear about your why. And remember, if you're doing a grid and you have a day off, first of all, you will know that it's a day off. shake it off and try to get back on track tomorrow. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You're designed to learn new behavior. Your mind and your body, they're actually wired to learn patterns. And you can use this to your advantage. And so today, I am going to give you everything that I've learned the hard way to come up with five essential strategies that you can use all day long anytime you wanna lock in a new habit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
We don't really want to see two or three days off in a row, but if you're tracking your progress, this is the other magic of tracking it outside your mind. You see it and you're empowered to get back on track the next day. So you can check that box. Love it. And look, I think it's obvious, but also there's research that shows that the more often that you track your progress,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
the greater the likelihood that you're going to succeed. And the chances of your success are even more likely if you report your progress publicly or you physically record it. So this is what I'm talking about. We got two more systems to cover, but first I have to take a quick break. We got to monitor our sponsors, listen in, let's hear what they have to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And then when we come back, we're talking system number four and system number five. I'll see you in a minute. All right, welcome back. So happy you're here. See, I'm monitoring your progress. You came back. Check. So we've talked about the first three Audi systems. Make it visible, like right in front of your face. Get it out of your head, put it in front of your face.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Number two, whatever you're not supposed to do, let's just remove all temptation. You and I are friends. We know we're kind of rebels. We know we can't be trusted until we can be trusted. So let's just get it out of here. Number three, monitor your progress, okay? We are serious about change around here, which means you got to get it out of your head.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Get it on paper, get it in an app, and get public about it, okay? Super important about this. Let's talk about system number four. This is another way to get out of your head, okay? Get it out of your mind. Create a plan. I'm going to say that again, create a plan. We are not talking kindergarten habit here, people. We are talking college level PhD habit sticking systems.
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5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
We're not screwing around. If you want to freestyle in your mind, you are not going to be successful. This is not jazz. We're not like just going off the rails here. We are following the music score to the T. This comes from studies, okay? You know I'm throwing the science at you because a lot of times, you know, when the stuff is common sense, yeah, I know I need to plan, Mel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Yeah, well, then why aren't you doing it? So let me tell you the research. At UT Austin, They found you're going to be more likely to succeed at behavior change if you make specific plans to implement it. Now, I don't mean to insult your intelligence because I think this is obvious. But when you unpack an example of this, it becomes very obvious why you're failing if you fail to plan.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So let's go back to 75 hard and my promise and commitment. to complete two workouts every single day, one of which has to be outside. It is critical that I plan ahead. Critical, because I travel for work. And so I'm looking at flights right now for a 16-day business trip at the end of January. And as I'm looking at flights, you know what I'm thinking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
How the hell am I going to get an outside workout and an indoor workout in? And I got to still fly from San Diego back to Boston. Or here's another way that I'm planning. Tomorrow in Southern Vermont, we're going to have four inches of snow on the ground. And...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
when am I going to work out and what am I going to wear and do I need the grippy things on my feet because the driveway is like a luge run right now and what time of day am I going to like am I going to get this done before four o'clock which is when uh winter comes and the death eaters are here and it's dark as hell and based on my schedule like I gotta plan this stuff because you know what if I don't and I just start my day here's what's going to happen
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And once you learn these five things, holy cow, you're gonna be unstoppable. You can set yourself up for success You can master the skill of learning new patterns. You can set your environment up to support you in remembering. You don't have to manage this in your head. You don't have to wait for willpower. You don't have to be superhuman.
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5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I am literally going to go, oh, I'll do it later. And then it'll be eight o'clock at night. I got to tell you a quick story about my husband, Chris, because this is when it occurred to me that I might be married to either a robot or to the world's most disciplined person on the planet. So Chris started 75 Hard for the third time well over a month ago. And so it was December 21st.
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5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And we had woken up in New York because we go there every year during the holidays to see a show with the kids, just one of our traditions. And Chris exercised, did his first workout in the hotel gym in New York. We then drove to Connecticut. We had lunch with his brother. And then we drove up to Boston where we were going to stay with his oldest brother and we were going to go to a holiday party.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Now, as we're driving to Boston, the weather gets supremely crappy and we are driving in horizontal rain. You can barely see. It is foggy as hell. And I'm looking at the time and I'm thinking, we are going to arrive 30 minutes after this big party has started. This party with all of our old friends where we used to live in Boston. I was so excited to go to this party.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And I'm thinking in my mind, Chris hasn't gotten his outdoor workout yet. Could he maybe just stick his head out the window and like do some face exercises? You know, do something like could I like what are we going to like? I want to go to the party. I'll tell you what, this is impressive. The man said. I have to get this done. I'm like, but you're it is raining horizontal outside. It is dark.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You don't know the neighborhood we're going to. There are no street. He's like, I don't care. I'm doing it. He literally, we pulled outside, we decided to go to his oldest brother's house because he was getting this, he said he would do this, but he was not going to let bad planning break a promise that he had made to himself. This is what integrity looks like.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So we go, not to the party, but we go to his brother's house and I sat inside because there was no way I was going to go to that party without him while I knew he was walking in the pouring horizontal rain and And he borrowed a pair of sweatpants from his brother, which were cotton, by the way. We're not talking performance gear here. And just this big old coat.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Number one, did you know that most people, when they start to try to lock in a new habit, by day 19, they quit? That's why I'm releasing this episode today, because you're about ready to quit on something new that you've started. And also, I've noticed y'all are slamming the inbox at MelRobbins.com with questions about habits. So we're going to just cut through the noise.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And the man left and walked for 45 minutes at 7.30 at night in the horizontal 40-degree rain. And then he came in, toweled off, changed his clothes, and we drove to the party. In 26 years of being married to Christopher Robbins, I have never been more attracted to the man than I was in that moment. There is nothing sexier than a person who keeps their word no matter what.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You can use these five things and set up a system to help you win. And that's what we're going to do today. You know, I believe that you are one decision away from a different life because when you make a decision to change something, It is like tipping a domino in an entirely new direction. The decision begins the change. But how do you actually make the change stick? That's where habits come in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And the way that you make it easier to keep your word is by planning ahead. Planning ahead is about looking at the week ahead. And if you're going to eat healthy, figure out what you're cooking. for the week, every night, and then go to the grocery store. And if you're not going to be eating dairy or gluten like I am, this is new for me. I don't normally cook without dairy or gluten.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And so this is requiring a lot of planning so that I don't just open up the fridge and hope that somehow this has magically happened that I'm going to be successful. And making a plan is a piece that's super obvious, but it's completely overlooked. You're thinking about what you need to do. Again, you're an innie organizer. Failing to plan is planning to fail. So let's go back to Zoe. Hi, Zoe.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Slice a cake, four hours in, don't make yourself wrong. You know what went wrong there? Either you really don't want to give up sugar or you just failed to plan. So if you're planning on cutting out sugar, what's your plan when you go to a party or a restaurant and cake is being served?
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5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
This is what's called if-then planning, and it's research by Heidi Halverson, who wrote about this in the Columbia University Researcher. And if-then planning is a way to keep yourself on task by creating a backup plan if your current plan doesn't work. And here's what's really cool about if-then planning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
If-then planning boosts your ability to stick to goals, and they studied this with exercise, from 39% success to 91% success. If it rains, then I'll do this. If I miss my flight, then I'll do that. If I'm going to a party and I've committed to dry January, then I'm just going to bring a non-alcoholic beverage.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
If a friend invites me over for dinner, then I'm going to email or text them back and say, I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut out gluten and I don't want to be a pain in the ass and have you have to fuss about me. So can I bring something that's gluten-free to supplement what you're already making?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Because let's face it, if you don't plan ahead, if you don't make an if-then plan, you feel embarrassed. And then you either push your food around your plate like some weirdo or... You eat and you break the promise to yourself. So if I don't get exercise done tonight, then I'm not gonna binge watch TV tonight. I'm gonna get my exercise done instead.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
If you didn't give yourself enough time to get that side project done this morning, then you're gonna finish it after you put the kids to bed. Bada bing, bada boom. Pretty cool, right? All right, now let's get to system number five. Do it in the morning. There you go. Do it in the morning. It's that simple. Being an early riser is like a first domino that falls.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And once that domino falls, you've gotten yourself out of bed an hour, a half an hour earlier. All these other dominoes fall in your life. And I get it. It's hard to do. And one huge way that's going to make a big difference, and you hear me talk about this all the time, and it's because this is one of these domino habits. You do this and it triggers a whole like of change.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
get your phone out of your bedroom, period. It's a huge way to hack this. And you don't want to know another way to get up early? Get a puppy because they'll wake you up. They need to be let out. And I've learned this one, you get a puppy and you'll be a morning person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Another one, marry somebody, date somebody, sleep with somebody who gets out of bed early, live with somebody who has a great morning routine. And look, it's not just common sense, it's science. Number one, your willpower is the highest in the morning. Number two, your speed of processing, highest in the morning. Your ability to focus, highest in the morning for the first four hours of the day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And by the way, it's likely to be the time of day that you have to yourself the time that you can actually control before other people, little people, furry people, and all the commitments at work start taking up your attention and your time. And yeah, I get it. You've got toddlers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Well, that means if you're serious about this, you are going to have to get up a half an hour earlier before they get up, which means you're going to have to go to bed a half an hour earlier. But aren't these new habits and a better lifestyle and feeling in control of your life? Isn't that worth it? That's your why. Because if you can get an extra hour every morning, you can get everything done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And I really want to bottom line the word habits because people love to throw the word habits around because you sound super smart, right? But let's be honest with each other. You want to know what a habit is? It's a pattern. That's it. Have you ever heard that phrase, you are what you repeatedly do? Let's say it again. You are what you repeatedly do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You can do all the little things that the future you put in place for you. You can read the post-it note on the mirror. You can drink the bottle of water that you set out. You can write in your journal that you put in place on the table in the kitchen. You can... Pull on those exercise tights that you laid out. You can spend an hour... getting things done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
That brings me to what I said to you at the very beginning. And it's the biggest possible reason why truly mastering this skill of learning new patterns and making habits stick and using the five tools that I just shared with you that help me learn new patterns and help me make it easier and help me make things stick is that you are what you repeatedly do. I'm going to say that again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You are what you repeatedly do. And the opportunity here isn't just to achieve your goals. It's to actually change who you become. If you've always wanted to be the kind of person who gets up early and has a beautiful morning routine, then patterns help you become that person. If you've always wanted to be a person who was financially free, then you develop patterns around paying off debt.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And you develop patterns around how you spend money and how you invest it and what you put it in. And those patterns that you repeatedly do then lead you to the type of person you want to become. Do you see how empowering this is? that it's so much bigger than this thing you should be doing. It's this enormous opportunity for you to experience yourself in a life in a whole new way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And that's why I also believe the statement that I said at the very beginning, which is you are one decision away from a different life, a different you. And I'm inviting you right now to imagine a world where you are healthier, you are more energized, you do have more money, And what I'm really thrilled about is that you took the time to listen to this because this is something you can master.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And it's just awesome what's possible. And so just follow these five steps. They're so simple. You now understand the mechanics, right? You understand it's just a pattern. Let's all just drop the fancy word of habit. It's just a pattern we're learning. But how do you make the pattern stick? You make it visible, right? Yeah. You get distractions and temptations.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Get it out of your face because if it's out of your face, it'll be out of your mind. You do want to monitor your progress. That's a really important thing because then you don't get discouraged. Create a plan. And look, I know it's like, oh my God, is that the dumbest advice you've ever heard? Of course it is, but it works. And I just think about myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Do you know the weeks that I make the pattern stick with exercise? It's when I make a plan Sunday night. Those five things, that's all you have to do. And then you are well on your way. That's it. That's it. And the most important thing is that this is about who you want to become.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And so as you think about the new patterns for your life this year and in this chapter of your life, I really want you to think about who you want to become. This is an invitation for you because it is possible for you to change. It is possible for you to become a better version of yourself. It is possible for you to achieve amazing things. All you need is to figure out the patterns that
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
The word repeatedly is the most important word there because whatever patterns you have in your life right now, that's who you are. And I want to use the word patterns right now because again, I find that, you know, the big words like habits, it makes you sound really smart, but let's just dumb it down so we can embrace what we're talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
that lead you to becoming that person. And you are halfway there, I promise you. And you wanna know what else? Your friend Mel Robbins. I'm gonna be here every single step of the way, cheering you on. I'm gonna be breaking patterns, making patterns, interrupting patterns. I'm gonna be reminding you of the power that you have. And that means you're not doing it alone. Alrighty.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So thank you for taking a moment to share this with somebody that you care about. Thank the person that shared this with you, because that's really cool that they did that for you. And I also want to make sure to tell you that I love you. I do. I love you. Love is just when you have somebody else in mind. And when you admire something about them, that's all that love is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Making a cup of coffee for somebody is loving them. And I love you for actually taking time to learn something that can make you a better person. I love you for the fact that you share this with people that you care about. I love that about you. And I also wanted to tell you that I believe in you and your ability to create a better life. And now you know the secret to a better life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
It's actually creating patterns. that align with the type of person you want to become. So go do it. And I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. As soon as you hit play, I'll see you there. Great. Okay, great. I am so... Okay, here we go. There's the welcome back. And then the... Oh yeah, because I was like at the garage. Okay. Oh my God. What the fuck is going on? Let them... Let them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And we're going to kick this whole thing off with a question from your fellow podcast fan. And we're going to kick this off with a question from one of your fellow Mel Robbins podcast listeners. Oh, my God. And look, I've gotten so long winded now on patterns and habits that I realize I got to tell you the systems. And that's what we are going to do next. Oh, wait. Oh, OK. One more.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Here's what's the next one? OK, OK. Okay, great. Then it's literally like, bravo, you guys. All right. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
All we're talking about when it comes to making new habits stick is how do I make a pattern automatic? Maybe you want to make it a habit to floss your teeth every night. Maybe you want to make it a habit to get up and exercise. Maybe you want to make it a habit to save more money or become better at meditation or anything at all that you want to be a pattern.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
There is a science and a system for how you can make patterns stick. And here's one of the fundamental things that I'm going to probably talk about over and over with you again today, which is the nature of human behavior is this. You are wired to learn patterns. And that's both a good thing and kind of a bad thing. Because here's the thing about patterns, which are basically habits.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Patterns are designed to repeat. And so technically speaking, you can't just break a pattern. You have to interrupt it. And here comes the big part. Replace it with something new. And one other thing I want you to really keep in mind is this. You already have patterns in your life. You do. You know, if you wake up every day and you hit the snooze button five times, that's a pattern.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
That's what you repeatedly do. And what you repeatedly do becomes who you are. And so one of the first things I want you to think about as we jump into this is I want you to think about who do you want to become? What kind of person do you want to be?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Because when you start to marry your vision for the kind of person that you want to be with the new patterns that you want to learn, what's really cool is that since you are what you repeatedly do, the new habits start to become part of your identity. For example, let's just go back to the snooze alarm. I was a massive snoozer my whole life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
My first decision every morning was to procrastinate by hitting the snooze button. That was a habit. It was a pattern. I repeatedly did it. And that meant I was the kind of person that couldn't get out of bed. I was the kind of person that was hitting the snooze alarm. And one thing that's helped me a lot is thinking about, well, Mel, what kind of person do you wanna be?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I don't wanna be the kind of person that starts the day by procrastinating and bed rotting and spending an hour looking at social media. I wanna be the kind of person that gets out of bed and gets going and has a rock solid morning routine, which by the way, just another pattern, just another habit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
We're going to drop all the BS, and you and I are going to get the facts straight about habits. Number one, you need them. Number two, you can master them. Number three, in order to master them, you need my tips and tricks. And so I am going to teach you the five essential things that you need in order to make your new habits stick. Let's do this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
But when you start to also think about the fact that the patterns and habits that you wanna make stick, they're not really about what you should be doing. They're much bigger. They're about who you want to become. now they become even more interesting and important. Because it's one thing to say to yourself, I should stop hitting the snooze button. I should stop bed rotting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I should stop doing all that. You're never going to develop a positive pattern that way. I want you to think, I want to become the kind of person that takes care of themselves. I want to become the kind of person that prioritizes their time. I want to become the kind of person that is stronger than my mood in the moment, that I align my action with the things I want to do. That's a pattern by
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
the way that you can learn to be able to take action regardless of how you feel. And so I'm so excited about this for you because this is the gateway to a whole new experience of life. And it doesn't have to be hard. You just need these five things based on the research that I've learned the hard way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
They're going to help you identify the patterns that make you proud of the person that you're becoming and that align with the vision that you have for your life. and the simple things that make it easy to repeat the patterns because that's all that this is. Let's just dumb it down. You're capable. I'm capable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Let's remove all the drama and let's remove all the fancy academic stuff and let's just learn how to do this, okay? Great. Now, one more thing. Here's how this is going to go down. You know, I was thinking about the fact that I got to talk about habits because you guys are slamming the inbox. It's the time of year everybody wants to talk about habits. I love it. I love it. I love it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Let's learn some new patterns. And the truth is there's no new information here. And I sat down to record an episode for you and I'm like, wait a minute, I already have this extraordinary conversation that I recorded like a year ago and it's all the same stuff I would say to you now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
So instead of having this pattern in my life where I keep reinventing the wheel, why don't I just create a new pattern and I set up the most important conversation you could listen to right now? Because even if you heard me share this with you over a year ago, these five things that I'm gonna teach you, you're a different person right now. You have a different vision for who you wanna be.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You need this reminder. And so even if you start to listen, you're like, I think I've heard Mel talk about this. Darn straight you have, because the advice that works is the advice that works. And these five things are the five things I need to remind myself of, I need to remind you of, because this is what will make your habits stick. And so here's how this is gonna roll.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I have got your fellow listeners from the Mel Robbins podcast lined up. How about we get this party on patterns and habits started, okay? Let's kick it off with a question from a listener named Eric.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Eric, I'm so glad you asked because you know what? I don't want that new treadmill that you just invested in to become the most expensive coat hanger in your house. And the truth is, there are simple, fun, and easy ways that will help you stick with the new habits that you're trying to create. And look, I want to say something right up front. I'm not exactly the expert in this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I'm applying the same tools that you're going to learn in this episode. I'll tell you a quick story because I'm in the same boat as you. I signed up this year to do this 75-day mental toughness challenge that is requiring me to do a bunch of brand new behaviors every single day. So I am in the habit formation soup with everybody. And I have a confession to make.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
This is the second attempt that I'm making at completing this 75-day challenge because I failed last time I did it. I signed up last year and this challenge was so hard I bailed within a week. So all the stuff I'm about to share with you are the things that I'm using that I've seen other people use so that I don't fail at it this time. And here is what the challenge says I have to do for 75 days.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
no alcohol. I have to eat a healthy diet, which for me, I've decided I'm going to just eat a normal diet because I'm a healthy eater, but I'm not going to have any gluten or dairy for 75 days. I got to work out twice a day, and one of those workouts has to be outside. I have to drink a gallon of water.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I have to take a progress photo every day, and I have to read 10 pages of nonfiction every single day. If you miss... any one of those things that I just listed, you have to go back to day one, period. But the rules of this challenge are at odds with what the science around habits actually says. See, habit research says that if you miss a day, you don't default back to day zero.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here because I have so much to teach you and to share with you. This is going to be one of those conversations where you get to benefit from all the mistakes that I've made. Because boy, oh boy, when it comes to changing behavior, I am one stubborn, lazy, lack in willpower kind of person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
you don't lose progress by missing a day. And so I want to be very clear upfront that you can still be successful in making new habits stick. You can still be successful in seeing a change through if you miss a day or two days or a week. And I know you're concerned about this because I'm getting a lot of questions about, well, what do I do if I fall off like this one from Zoe?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Oh, Zoe, we love you. So for Zoe and every one of you listening, We're not robots, we're human beings. And habit research says that screwing up does not impact your progress or your ability to make habits stick. In life, unlike this challenge 75 hard that I'm doing, if you miss a day, All you do is miss a day and then move forward. That's it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
And research shows the new neuropathways that you create, Zoe, once you start the new habit of trying to remove sugar from your diet, they're still there. And we know this based on research from Dr. Philip Alali at the University College of London. And there's something else. It's called the what the hell effect. Science says you're not behind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
The problem is, is that in our mindset, we have this quote, what the hell effect. You think, oh, one mistake. I ate the cake. What the hell? I guess I'm screwed. I better not do that. And this comes from Duke researcher Dan Eierle. He writes a lot about this. And you know what's really funny, Zoe, is that even in Dan's writing and research, he You want to hear what he's quoting?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Quote, I just had one slice of cake when my goal was no sugar. So what the hell? I'll have a couple more. I swear to God. That's the example that he used, Zoe, when he was researching the what the hell effect. And I'm raising this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Before I teach you the five simple systems that you can use to make habits stick, because I want you guys to go into these five simple systems knowing that if you screw up one day, you go a couple days, you go a week, you can still get right back on track, okay? I need you to think that failing is not a big deal. You can recover, period. So Zoe, once you eat that piece of cake,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
Just appreciate how delicious it was. Savor the moment and then get up, walk around the house, shake it off so that you don't eat another slice. Recognize, oh, here's that what the hell effect. I'm not going to fall for it. And then get right back to your promise. Cut yourself some slack and keep going. That's all you need to do, Zoe. And this brings me to the fun part. All right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I got these new habits. Please, Mel, give me the five hacks. How the hell do I make these new habits stick? How do I create structure, discipline, and order in my life? Well, it's very simple. You're going to use simple hacks. That's all you're going to do. You can call them systems. You can call them triggers. You can call them cues. You can call them structure.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
You can call them whatever you want to be. My friend Amy, who you have heard on this podcast, has this term that I laugh about so much because it makes me think of belly buttons. But she basically says there are two kinds of people in this world. There are people that are innie organizers, meaning you manage everything innie your head, right? You're thinking about it all the time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
I have had to figure out how to hack my way through tips and tricks. to changing. And we're gonna be talking about habits today. And I'm gonna share with you the five essential secrets and tools. You can call these things whatever the heck you want. They just work. And I'm gonna avalanche you with takeaways today. So get ready.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
5 Ways to Actually Make Your Habits Stick
That's not how you're going to be successful when it comes to change. You have to be an outie organizer. That's what you have to be when it comes to habits. Why? There are only three parts to a habit based on all of the research and habits. Science has never changed. The cue, the behavior pattern, and the trigger. That's it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Since I started this podcast over two years ago, I have been on a mission to introduce you to interesting, smart and inspiring people that have something that you and I can learn from.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
are shaping your experience and learning the skill of choosing what you wanna think about or how you wanna think about things. And we're gonna get into those. So Dr. Julie, you've been very open about your recent cancer diagnosis.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Can you use that as an example of a situation where life sucks, things happen, and how you were then using this toolkit that we're gonna unpack for the person that's with us to navigate through that situation that just happened.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I am so thrilled to be here with you today, and it's always an honor, always, to spend time with you, to be together. If you're a new listener, I also want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And because you made the time and you decided to hit play on this particular episode, here's what I know about you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, Dr. Julie, I think it's a unbelievably relatable story. And, you know, I'm thinking right now of friends of mine who are sitting in a hospital and they have a loved one who is waiting heart surgery. And, you know, it's just like every day holding on to hope and even thinking of friends who just lost their job. And.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
That whole flip from feeling like the prey where something's coming after you and you have nothing that you can do versus that flip to, no, I'm going to be the predator.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I'm going after it. That is an example of the kind of tools you are so brilliant at giving to people in your private practice, to giving to all of us online. And I can see how that's already growing. going to help somebody, whether they're dealing with a breakup or they're dealing with just that sense of helplessness. No, that's what a prey feels like. We're going to think like a predator.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, it is because I think we've all heard the, like, use the fear and do it anyway, or like, let the fear fuel you. And like, what does that even mean? But if you then turn it into a tool and say, no, no, no, no, you're either the prey or the predator. Yeah. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And that helps you process the fear, which is a mentally healthy response to a cancer diagnosis or to a breakup or to a job loss, but it helps you process it and then use it to your advantage, which I just absolutely love. Dr. Julie, let's hit the pause so we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
You're the kind of person who values your time and you're also someone who is committed to learning how to become the best version of yourself and getting better at navigating life's ups and downs. And we could all get better at that, myself included. And if you chose to listen to this because someone shared this with you,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And I also want to give you a chance to share Dr. Julie's wisdom with the people that you love. Don't go anywhere. We have so many more topics and so many more tools in the toolkit that we're going to share with you when we return. So stay with us. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And today you and I have the pleasure of getting to spend time together learning from Dr. Julie Smith.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
We're hearing all about her toolkit and the simple tools that she has to share with you and me to help us navigate the ups and downs of life. So Dr. Julie, the next question that I have is this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
For somebody who's feeling extremely overwhelmed right now with a situation in life, or maybe they're grieving something, a relationship that's over, they've lost somebody, do you have any other tools that you would recommend for what processing those emotion mean in that context?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I think it's an important thing that I want to acknowledge and point out to you. It's really cool that you have people in your life that care enough about you to send this to you. And they sent this to you because they want you to have the experience of learning from the amazing Dr. Julie Smith and they want you to have the toolkit that she's going to share with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
So that's almost an example of another tool is visualizing yourself in an ocean and understanding that when the emotion rises of overwhelm or grief or anger or sadness or fear of whatever, just let it rise and visualize yourself kind of letting it fall. Yeah. Another thing that you write about in Open When is just kind of chronic comparison and how we look around at the world around us.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And then we tell ourselves, I'm less than, I'm never going to make that money. I'm never going to be this. I'm never going to be that. Nothing I ever do is right. And you're using comparison as a way to beat yourself down. And you have this quote in the book that I freaking love. Resentment is not a reflection of of what the world owes you. It is a sign of what you need to work on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Based on the millions of people that follow you and your own private practice, can you give me an example of how that works? Like something that people write in are really struggling about comparison or whether it's their body to somebody else or that they're not married yet or just something that you're seeing a lot of so that we can ground that advice and example?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And I personally could not be more excited to have Dr. Julie in person today. She is a world-renowned clinical psychologist, a best-selling author of the mega blockbuster bestseller, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, which has spent 109 weeks on the UK Sunday Times bestseller list. She has impacted millions of lives with the content she shares online.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And there's one person in particular, and I am not exaggerating when I tell you this, that I, since the very start of this show two years ago, I have been wanting to get her to come to our studios in Boston. Now, the problem is simple. Well, she lives 3,235 miles from here. Plus, she has three young kids. She is extremely in demand because she has a private practice as a psychologist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
How do you stop yourself from doing it? So if comparison's normal and you say, because I was really intrigued and you're like, you're making the wrong comparisons. Mm-hmm. Who are the right comparisons to?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And I love that you said be specific. Because if you're saying, who's somebody that's a couple steps ahead and there's a specific thing that I want to get better at, and when you compare yourself to somebody like that in that narrow framing, now it becomes a tool instead of it becoming torturous to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
So, Dr. Julie, when you have somebody come into your practice or write into you online and they're having trouble just being with other people, very shy, very introverted, like feel very awkward around other people, what are some tools and strategies that you recommend?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And now she's taken all of that wisdom and poured it into her new bestselling book, Open When. It's a book that you open when things are going wrong. It's a toolkit for life that will help you handle the ups, the downs, and everything in between. Because when life feels chaotic, you deserve clarity. When emotions feel overwhelming, you deserve tools that work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
You have this quote, it's not so much that the socially confident have worked out how to prevent awkward moments. It's simply that they barely focus on trying to avoid them at all. Sometimes focusing only on what you're trying to avoid leads you straight to it. Yeah. And so if you have somebody that is listening right now, and this is really like an issue, like I feel awkward around other people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I'm not good in big groups. I don't like to like put myself out there. What assignment or what would you tell them if they were sitting across from you? Because that person might be listening right now. What do they actually need to do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Okay, so I've now pushed myself to go to this networking meeting. I did not want to go. I hate small talk. I'm feeling awkward. I'm now standing in that semicircle with like four people. I keep staring at people's shoes and I'm thinking, this is horrible. I don't know what to say. So how do I use the spotlight tool right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And when you feel stuck, you deserve a way forward. And today, you're going to get it. So without further ado, please help me welcome the incredible Dr. Julie Smith to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Dr. Julie Smith is in the house. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
You know what I love about that reframe is that you literally just so skillfully said, if you're focused inward, you're going to feel anxious. But you can take the spotlight and focus on what are the other people saying? Am I listening? What are they wearing? Can I give a compliment? And now all of a sudden you're using this tool to be able to navigate the situation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And when you end it, it might not be incredible, but you got yourself through it. Yeah. And that's the cool thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
One section of your book, Open When, is when you're really hard on yourself and you've done things that you regret and we've all been there, but you're really struggling to forgive yourself. What are some tools and strategies that you recommend when you're just really hard on yourself?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, I'm a huge fan of yours. And I am grateful that you hopped on a plane and you flew overseas to be here with us. And I want to start by telling you, Your new book, Open When, is absolutely extraordinary. I am so proud of you. I am so excited for the world to have this book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Beaten down, scared. Like my first thing that I thought was, my God, I guess I better figure out how to be friends with this person or else they're going to destroy me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Like I'm actually going away to camp.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
How do you begin to talk to yourself as a friend if you actually believe that you're a bad person or that you look in the past and you see lots of evidence of the mistakes that you've made?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And you can get it from podcasts and from social media clips. And what I loved about what you just said, though, because I really want to highlight this, is that A, recognizing that you kind of have engaged in regrettable or despicable or hurtful or painful behavior. Even just recognizing it,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I just, before we even dive in, I just want to read just even the table of contents because it is literally a guide to life. I mean, I want you to open this book when you compare yourself and come up short. When your friends are not your friends. When you want to be less awkward around people. And these are all bite-sized chapters filled with things to do and ways to change how you think.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I love this reframe that that's a really great sign of progress that you have the ick factor with yourself. And that's different than holding it over your head. Mm-hmm. And so if you can recognize it, is there any trick to reframing then like how you actually talk to yourself moving forward?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Like when you can't think of anything else, is there something that you give to the clients that you work with that is kind of universal that helps them shake off the hold that being hard on yourself can have?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And I can figure out how to do better. You know, you mentioned the future. And Dr. Julie, I would love to know how you help a client who feels a lot of uncertainty about the future. And right now, I think it's at an all-time high when you look at the headlines and when you look at the reports around the spike in anxiety and stress that people are feeling around the world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
So what are tools that you can use to manage the uncertainty when you look out to the future?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Open when your inner voice is your own worst critic. When you doubt yourself and want to feel more confident. Open when you're overthinking everything. When you have done something you regret. I needed this book 30 years ago, Dr. Julie. Open when your anger erupts too often. I mean, who hasn't struggled with these things?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I'm glad that you said that because I think when people hear, you have to allow the uncertainty. You have to allow the fact that there are things out of your control, whether it's the headlines or the fact that you're now single again. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And you didn't want to be or that you just had a miscarriage and you didn't want it or you just got the cancer diagnosis or somebody that you love is going in for surgery and it's all uncertain or AI feels like it's taking over the world and will it take over your job? And so that sense of like, oh, my gosh, I just have to let them. I have to allow this because I can't control it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I'm so happy you reminded us that that's not where it ends because you brought it right back to the prey versus the predator, which is there are small things that I can do to put the foot forward and get ahead of this thing or just focus on what is important to me. And there was a tool in there, which is believing that you have a future, believing that things are better. Why is that important?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
It's true. So in your private practice and with your online audience, what are you seeing that people are struggling the most with right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
What are the big struggles in relationships?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And what's the most important thing that you think we need to know to make our relationships better?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
So Dr. Julie- What if you're in a relationship with somebody who doesn't want to deal with their emotions? They don't want to look inward. They don't want to have these kinds of conversations with you. Like, what advice do you give to your clients when they come in and they talk about the fact that I'm trying to connect? I'm trying to get them to process their emotion. They're not opening up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I wouldn't want you at a dinner party. Be like, not those two.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Dr. Julie, I could listen to you all day long and I need to give our amazing sponsors a chance to say a few words. And so let's hit the pause button. I also want to give you a chance to share this with someone in your life who could use all of the remarkable tools that Dr. Julie is sharing with you and me today. And everybody in your life needs to hear this. I just love this conversation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
We have so many more topics to unpack when we return. So don't go anywhere. Dr. Julie and I are going to be waiting for you. after a short break, so stay with me. Welcome back. I am so thrilled you're still here. Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time to listen to this and to learn from Dr. Julie. And thank you for sharing this with people that you care about in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
All right. So Dr. Julie, here's where I want to go next. You know, since so many people are either struggling with anxiety or they have someone in their life who is, what is the advice that you give your clients when you're working with them through a period where they feel anxious?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
You know, that's something that I actually worry about because I feel like it's a super positive thing that there's so much conversation about mental health and about the things that people struggle with and normalizing it so you don't feel alone and so that you seek out support.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
But I do worry about how it's easy to opt out of the things that you need to do because it's, quote, bad for your mental health.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
How do you know the difference between whether or not it's actually really something you should opt out of or whether or not you just don't want to do the thing that you probably need to be doing, but it just feels hard?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, I asked you this because one of our producers just said, well, you know, I used to have a lot of anxiety about flying, but I'm not anxious anymore because I don't fly. And it's kind of funny, but it made me wonder, Dr. Julie, what happens if you keep avoiding the things that make you anxious?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
For the person who's not watching this on YouTube, she has this like child's play toy, which is like this big wooden rainbow in front of her. And it's got all the colors of the red, the orange, the yellow, the green, the blue, the purple, and it's about six inches high. Dr. Julie has a rainbow made of wood in front of her.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And with each piece of the rainbow, Dr. Julie, that you remove- The actual arch is getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And when anxiety or grief or nerves or depression or sadness or heartbreak starts to creep in, we do have the tendency to just withdraw.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
When you see how small it's gotten. And it actually reminds me of times in my life where either my anxiety was so bad or my postpartum depression was so bad or one of my kids was struggling with anxiety and they just stopped doing things that they used to enjoy because they just felt like it was too hard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And as they stopped doing sleepovers or they stopped wanting to do fun things on the weekend or they stopped wanting to try out for sports or they stopped wanting to go to the party, it's just like that rainbow. Every single thing that they stopped doing or were scared to do was an example of the way that their life just got smaller and smaller and smaller.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And it is so sad and it's easy for it to kind of creep up on you. I think the visual is so powerful because you actually see what's happening when in reality, when you're going through it, it just sort of slowly feels like it's happening until all of a sudden you're just in a really small life. Yeah. Thank you for showing us this visual because as much as it's sad and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
There's also this flip side to it where it's really compelling because you actually see the solution. If your life feels very small, there are things that you can start adding back in, even if it feels overwhelming or scary to try to do it, that will actually immediately start to make your life feel bigger and fuller again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Dr. Julie, what is the first step other than recognizing this to start to put the pieces back in place? Yeah. that you didn't even realize that you took away.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
of the time, you know you're silently giving up on a part of your life. I think most times, like I choose to believe that we all want to thrive. We all want to be happy. We all want to feel the full possibility of our lives. And that when we are self-sabotaging or avoiding or shrinking or holding ourselves back and limiting that, we know. And how do you recognize though,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
when you're doing that, you know what I'm saying? Because I think you can get so used to being small.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
based on that fear because i don't want the children so the children then become the key to i don't want them to suffer the consequences of this even though i might have had consequences so if you don't have kids how do you find that anchor for yourself yeah and could you build it back up since you've taken some of the rainbow stripes off to show us how you can like let's just say the person listening feels very small let's say they went through a divorce yeah
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
She's also sharing life-changing information online to millions of followers and is in the middle of launching her mega bestselling books. So she hasn't been able to make the trip from Europe to be in our Boston studios. And you know what? I respect that. But today is the day. She hopped on a plane with her husband and their three kids and came all the way to Boston to be here for one reason.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And it was shattering and life-changing. And they're still alone. And their partners moved on. And the friend groups have changed. And you've had to reinvent yourself. And you recognize that there are...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Just ways in which you're holding yourself back and you have justifiable and very normal fears about getting hurt again or putting yourself out there or the negativity that you tell yourself that nobody's going to find, whatever it may be. But you're now listening to you, Dr. Julie, and you're going, that's me. Or you're listening and you're going, that's my mother. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
My mother is stuck like that and her life has become very small. If you've had that epiphany, how do you start building back in those pieces of your life that you've been avoiding because it just feels new or uncomfortable or like, I didn't sign up for this or it's going to be hard?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, I remember, I'll share an example because I think it would be helpful. And then maybe you have one that you can share based on some issues that have come up with clients or that you're seeing online. I remember when we moved to a brand new place and I was early 50s. And I felt like it was the biggest mistake in the world. I had no friends. I was super, super lonely.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And I started to swirl in all the self-doubt and the sadness and the loneliness around this massive life transition, moving from where we had been for 26 years. And I recognized after about six months of the wallowing that my life had gotten very small. And the very first step I took
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
was I told myself I had to leave the house once a day, even just to go to the grocery store or to get a cup of coffee. And then the next thing became I had to go to the coffee shop and sit there for a half an hour and read a book. And then the next thing became I had to go to the coffee shop and sit there for a half an hour and read a book, and I had to actually talk to people. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And that was an example of a period of my life where I was avoiding the very thing that would have solved the issue of loneliness and acclimating to a new community. But do you have another example that might give somebody an idea of what you're talking about? Like, let's use the issue of heartbreak.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Like, if somebody has had their heart broken and deep down they know that they would love to fall in love and have a partner and... have a new chapter, but they've been holding themselves back, what are some simple steps that feel like you may not even realize you've been avoiding it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
So, Dr. Julie, you have shared so much. And I think my kids are going to get so sick and tired of me telling them, are you the prey or are you the predator? You want to be the prey? You want to be the predator? If the person listening took just one lesson or tool away from this conversation, what do you think is the most important thing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, I completely relate because when I read your book, I thought I have to give this to all three of my kids. because it is a manual for life, and let's face it, life is very difficult. And what I'm excited for us to do today is to unpack all these little nuggets of wisdom that are life skills, that are tools that you can assemble in a toolkit for life, Because life is stressful right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Dr. Julie Smith, what are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, Dr. Julie Smith, you're changing lives. You are helpful. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing up every day for the world online. Thank you for writing this incredible instant bestseller, Open When, which is truly exactly as you envisioned. It is a guide to life because life is hard, but you don't have to be so hard on yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And there are simple things that you can do to put your arm around yourself and help you get yourself through it. So thank you. Thanks for having me. Of course. And I wanna thank you for taking the time to listen to something that will help you get yourself through the ups and downs in life. I am thrilled that you spent the time listening to this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I can't wait for you to share this with people that you love. And in case no one else tells you, I wanna be sure to tell you that I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to create a better life. And I know that everything that Dr. Julie shared with you today is gonna help you do that. Alrighty. I'll talk to you in a few days.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
I'll be waiting to welcome you into the next episode the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. Waiting for my go. Not allowed to go until I said that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
We'll send you home with that one. There's your prize. Trace wants to pull the rice away real quick. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
You can actually dump it on the floor. It's fine. Just throw it on the floor. I don't care.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Make it happen to go longer. And do you want to have her hand pick some up?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Because your nails look great.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Like if you're not feeling anxious, somebody that you love probably is. If you're not overwhelmed, somebody else is that you care about. If you haven't lost a job or are stressed out about the headlines, somebody that you care about is. And everything that you're about to share that you've also beautifully written about in this new bestselling book, Open When, are just tools.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And I love that you said that It's the kind of thing that you wish everybody knew and that you almost wish people didn't have to pay for. Yeah. You have been in clinical practice for over a decade. You have millions of followers who hang on your videos and are so inspired and empowered by them. I would love for you to just tell the person listening, how do you think about
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
what you're doing in your role as a clinical psychologist. Like if you just explained it in just plain speak, how would you describe what you do for people?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Dr. Julie, what would you tell someone who feels like they're the only person in their friend group or their family who's actually struggling?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
She's here for you, to help you and the people that you love through the ups and downs of life. So we're going to send her husband, Matt, and their three kids to the amazing Children's Museum here in downtown Boston while Dr. Julie Smith and I unpack her extraordinary toolkit for life. Because life is hard. You are gonna struggle and so will the people that you love. And that's normal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Why is it important for you to recognize that you're not the only one? Like what benefit does it have on you if you are in a moment where you're struggling?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
The other thing that I love about it, and this visual is so helpful, is that there are going to be times where I am the wild rice that's going through something. And then there'll be times that I'm the white rice and things are okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And also understanding that we swap those positions in life, I think, gives you perspective that where you're at right now, if you're struggling, isn't where you're always going to be.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
And it also gives you the motivation and hope that if you do use the tools that you share with us, that you'll pass through it a little quicker.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, that's why I'm so glad that you're here because I think that, you know, you hear the word mental health and you think something big and scary, but no, you can struggle with friendship. You can struggle with loneliness. You can struggle with not having a direction in your career. You can struggle with money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
There's so many things in life that cause you to doubt or overthink or feel down about yourself. And I'm so excited to dig into the tools. Dr. Julie, as a clinical psychologist, you say that everybody deserves to have an emotional toolkit. What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
But even when things feel overwhelming, there's always something you can do. You're stronger than you think. All you need is a little toolkit and today you're gonna get it. And this is one of those conversations that you're not only gonna love, you're gonna wanna share it with everyone you love. So let's get into it. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This
Well, and what's great about the way that you're framing this, because you're now talking about teaching us skills around managing emotions and feeling emotions and not being scared of emotions and processing them and tools around understanding the way that your thoughts work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, I am so excited that you're here with me today because, drum roll please, by huge demand, my husband Chris and I are back behind the mic and let me tell you, this is gonna be good because we asked you to submit your burning questions about relationships to MelRobbins.com. Holy smokes, were your questions amazing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You two need to get together and agree on what you value and what your parenting style is and why. And that's what creates a house that is together. And once you're together, there is nothing on the outside that can make you fall.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I would also say that if you haven't had that conversation, it's cool to sit together and actually consider, regardless of how many years you may be together, but what your values are and what the other person's values are and why and how are they or are they not even aligned because perception may not be reality there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You know, one of the things in writing the Let Them Theory book that I realized when it comes to parenting and families is that when you and your partner decide what your values are and what your traditions are and what your parenting style and philosophy and approach is, it is going to be yours. And if it's different than what you grew up in, guess what?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Your parents are gonna see that as some rejection of how they did it. They're going to take it personally. It's natural. I think when our kids grow up and they have families of their own, if they do things differently, we'll probably have a little bit of like, oh, great, because we know what we know.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And so the other thing to consider is just understand that people are going to have their opinions. Let them be a little bothered that you're doing things differently because they're now questioning the way they did things, right? And you and your partner get on the same page. And then there's room for both things to be true.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
There's room for the old traditions and the ways in which you both grew up. And then there's room for you two to come together and figure out how you're going to do it for your family. Super cool question. All right, I'll do the next one. This one's from Sarah. Hey Mel, my spouse and I have been feeling a bit distance after having kids and moving to a new city.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
What advice would you give to couples who feel like they've started to drift apart, especially after a big life change?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such a pleasure to be with you and to spend time together. And if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so excited because today, my husband Chris and I are going to be spending time with you, answering your questions.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
carve out a dedicated moment in the week to do something either familiar or totally new, I would say. You and I have, we've been talking about getting back to doing a dance class together that we so loved doing 25 years ago. It's true. But this is a good, whether it's dedicated dinner, date, coffee, walk in the woods, whatever.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Hold the time in your calendar. Chris and I have just spent the last couple years having like a weekly therapy session. And the best part about it wasn't the therapy. It was the fact that we had a dedicated time in the calendar every week during the day, once a week, to come together and just pause and talk for 40 minutes about how we were doing. And you can create that for yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I'm not talking about a date night. I'm talking about holding space in your calendar. No phones, no children, no pets, just you two. And we also just moved to a brand new place. We lived outside of Boston for 26 years where we raised our... kids for the most part, and then moved to a small town in Southern Vermont where we really didn't know a lot of people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And one of the things that we did is we made a point once a week to go try to explore something in our new area. You just moved to a new place. That's super cool. Find a new hike, try a new restaurant, explore a new neighborhood. These are all opportunities for you two to learn and laugh and grow together, which is super cool. I just love these questions.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
It's really making me think about our relationship and opportunities for us to do an even better job coming together and supporting each other. So thank you. Thank you for taking the time to submit them. And you can go to melrobbins.com slash podcast. There's a form there where you can suggest topics or submit questions. And I would love to answer your questions on an upcoming episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
So let's take a moment and hear a word from our amazing sponsors. And when we come back, Chris and I will be waiting for you after this short break. Stay with us. Welcome back. Today, I'm here with my husband, Chris. I am so thrilled that he is here by my side, and I'm so glad you're still here with us, and I'm loving these questions. Here's another one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Jessica, I've been married for five years, and sometimes I just need space, but I don't want my spouse to feel like I'm pulling away. How do you and Chris set boundaries with each other when it comes to needing personal space or alone time?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Well, I think first you got to have a conversation about what constitutes alone time. What do you need? And what serves you? Not just what is alone time, but when do you need it and for how long? This isn't a problem for me because I figured out that I need alone time and I carved it out with you and your understanding of
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Ever since I launched the Mel Robbins podcast, you have been submitting relationship questions to melrobbins.com. And today is the day. And we are going to go one by one through your questions. We're covering so many rich and important topics from resentment to unmet expectations to what to do when you're changing and your spouse isn't or your spouse is changing and you're not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Two to three hours in the morning, I get up super early and go do whatever my thing is, whether it's working out or being outside or being in the office. And I think the reason why that really works for me is because I laid that out for you, that I not only need it, this is what it gives for me, and also, please do not interrupt.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
What I love about that is Chris has not negotiated for that and pulled time away from me. He claimed that for himself and you can too. You can create a morning routine where you get alone time. And Chris is also really good about saying, I need to take a couple nights out and go on a solo hike in the woods. And then he also, though, has the consideration to go, when would it work?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And we work together on carving it out. And so the really big takeaway here is every single person in a relationship has needs. never expect your partner to read your mind. Never expect your partner to just know what those needs are and when you need them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
When you recognize your own needs and you respect yourself and your partner enough to be able to sit down and say, hey, this is something I need. This is why I need it. Can we collaborate on when and how this is going to work? That's when you both win. Next. Oh, this is a good one, Chris. This comes from Josh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Hey, Mel and Chris, my wife and I don't always see eye to eye when it comes to parenting decisions. How do you two handle disagreements when it comes to raising your kids? Do you ever butt heads on how to handle certain situations? I'm laughing, Josh, because if there's one thing we fight about more than anything else, what is it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Why are you asking that? That's the only thing I fight with you about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Yeah, I suppose, right, about where they are, how close they are, or far they are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And how to approach situations, how to solve problems, how to support, and when to let them struggle. And I have anxiety that's easily triggered. So if there's a problem and one of our kids calls, I'm a yes person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I'm a jump in and fix it person because it makes me anxious when one of our kids is struggling, even though I know that struggle is important and you gotta let them struggle because that's how you learn. But I'm quick to be like, okay, okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. Whereas you are way more grounded and way more patient. And we can give you some examples.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Why don't you tell them what happened last night with our son?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I was walking by. I wasn't even barely on the phone call. I just heard it and thought, hang on, that's not great. That's not a good idea at all. But what I have to say about that question and even this thing that came up with Oakley is that it occurred to me that
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
how to agree on parenting issues, how to deal with pressure from your family, what to do when you start to feel like you're either losing yourself in your marriage or you're starting to drift apart, and so much more. Chris and I have been together for 30 years. We have three adult children, and I'm going to tell you something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
While it seems like a simple thing to actually stop and reflect on why it is that I'm a no and you're a yes, and maybe consider that an extra two or three minutes of conversing about the difference that we have is going to reveal something larger. Like, I'm not even sure why it is that I'm a no.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You just actually gave me a fantastic idea. I just had a huge epiphany. after 30 years of being with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And it goes down to a deeper issue, which is how do you and your partner solve problems? I am the kind of person that is extraordinarily decisive because the unknown feels scary to me. And I create certainty and I solve problems by just making a decision. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You, though, are the kind of person that stops and thinks. So I step the gas, you tap the brakes. And if you call me a yes and I call you a no, that's where that sort of house divided thing happens. And our kids use us to their advantage nonstop. They know that crack is there. Here's the breakthrough I just had.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Not just our kids, all kids.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
But here's the breakthrough I just had. There's a tool that you could use if this is you and your partner and it's not yes or no, it's maybe. That when you get asked a question by one of your kids and your spouse is not there or you haven't had, as Chris calls it, your three-minute discussion about the deeper issue, say maybe. Say maybe. Because maybe isn't a yes or a no.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
It's a recognition that I got to talk to your mom or dad. Because you're right. I don't know why I said yes. And you don't know why you said no. But we get caught in this. And I'll give you another example. There was a period in our life where two of our kids had just extraordinarily acute anxiety to the point where they couldn't sleep in their rooms. And we're talking sixth grade? That late?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Fourth grade, sixth grade? Somewhere in the sixth to fourth grade zone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Whether you're in a relationship right now, whether you've just started, whether you've been together for a long time, whether you've just broken up, There is so much that you're going to get out of this conversation. And I'm absolutely thrilled to be here with you. And by the way, if you love this format, you ask the questions, I deliver the answers. Let me know and we'll keep on doing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I'm telling you, there was for three years a train of pitter-pattering feet that would come into our bedroom at night. And we're talking late into elementary school here. They had already been sleeping through the night and then all of a sudden anxiety hits and they'd come to my side of the bed because Chris is a no and I'm a yes and I would just lift up the sheets and they'd roll right in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And it ultimately got to the point where Chris and I did have that three minute conversation. How do we wanna handle this? What are we gonna do? And neither one of us wanted to actually do what we should have done, which is march them back upstairs every single night. sit with them until they go to sleep, and then go back down. So we just ended up making a bed on the floor of our room.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And if they came down, that was our rule. You can't get in bed with us, but you can sleep right there. And that is not parenting advice that I would recommend. I would recommend listening to a parenting expert. But we got on the same page because we had the deeper conversation. And we looked at the options and we made a decision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
We weren't willing to interrupt our sleep at that period in our lives to do the parenting that was necessary to walk them back up and force them to tolerate the discomfort and learn how to fall back asleep again. Okay, so let's take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. But don't you dare go anywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
We have so many more questions to answer that have been submitted by your fellow listeners from around the world. So stay with us. Chris and I are going to be back to spend some time together with you after this short break. Welcome back. It's your buddy, Mel Robbins. I'm here with my husband, Chris, today, and we are answering your questions. So let's jump into the next one. Lauren.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Hey, Mel and Chris, you guys have been together for a long time. How do you both manage to keep your individuality and personal interests alive while being in such a close marriage? I sometimes feel like I'm losing myself in my marriage. You want to take that or you want me to?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
No, let me hear what you have to say to that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I don't think this is a marriage problem. I think it's a you problem. There is no reason why you should lose your identity to your marriage. In fact, the single best way to grow your marriage is to grow yourself. And if you feel like you're losing yourself in your marriage, that is a massive wake-up call that your purpose for the next six months needs to be bettering yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Whatever it takes to either improve your health or improve your happiness or improve your sleep or carve out time to be creative again, to learn something new again, that's not your marriage's issue. It's yours. And your marriage will get way better when you start to focus on becoming a better version of yourself. Anything you'd add?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Yeah, just that, I mean, it's an excellent point and question when I think about even a lot of the men that I have spent time with who...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Here comes Chris. So let's get going. Hey, honey.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Can you give everybody a little, what do you mean men you've spent time with?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I host a men's retreat called Soul Degree where a couple times a year, 12 of us circle up in a remote location and spend five days together. diving into the things that matter. And often one of those conversations revolves around our own needs and identifying our needs.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And even to the point where there are men who haven't taken the time to even identify what might be, let's say, a hobby that actually fuels them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Thanks for the invitation. I'm excited.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And so this concept of keeping your individuality and your personal interests alive and looking after you is not always so intuitive for people to be able to actually zoom out and say, okay, yeah, even if they're not thinking about how do I remain individual in my relationship,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Okay. So, Chris, I've got a ton of questions from listeners of the podcast who have written in, and I'm just going to read them, and then we're going to tackle them, okay?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
It's the zoom out and sort of seeing or taking the time to determine these are things that I need for myself, which will naturally foster that sense of chasing your own interest.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Well, what ends up happening if you don't do what Chris is telling you to do, which is maybe you've never even asked yourself, what do I need? What am I interested in? what are some things that I want to do with my life? Because this may be a newsflash to you, but you were not put on this planet to just be somebody's spouse.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And if you don't have a purpose for yourself, you will resent your marriage because you'll blame your marriage for the fact that you don't have a purpose that is individual. And if you don't know what that purpose is, I will tell you what it is. It's
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
making yourself your purpose improving yourself investing in yourself forming better habits taking a class spending time with your friends if you make bettering yourself your sole purpose for the next six months it will improve your marriage because you'll stop looking at your marriage as the solution to your unhappiness and you'll see that you are always the source
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
of your happiness, that you are the solution to any problem that you face. And when you get happier and when you grow, you then bring all that back into the marriage.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
The guys out there are like, oh, okay, so now I should just go play 72 holes of golf.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Yeah, within reason. Within reason, I was thinking. But here's the difference. That doesn't mean pack up your golf bags and drive away for the weekend. It means sitting down with your partner and going, I've realized something. I've really lost myself in my role as a spouse and as a parent.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I, in the next six months, am gonna do some work to try to improve myself and focus a little bit on my health and my happiness. And I wanna do that because I want our relationship to get better. And one thing that I've really missed is being able to play golf on the weekends with my friends. I'm lonely. Would it be okay if I take off Saturday and I'm gone all day?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
All right. Question number one comes from Rachel. Hi, I love that you both are always growing as individuals. I sometimes feel like I'm working on myself, but my partner isn't as focused on personal growth. How do you two balance working on yourselves individually while also nurturing your relationship together? You want to go first?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I go, your spouse would be like, oh my God, please, because you're driving me crazy and you're sad and I would love to see you happy again. But there's that consideration of once you understand your needs, communicate, communicate. All right, here's a great question from Anna. Hey, Mal and Chris, I feel like unmet expectations in my relationship often lead to resentment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
which is hard to shake. How do you guys handle disappointments or unmet expectations with each other without letting them build into something bigger? Well, I love this question. Unmet expectations, they rise in all forms. It could be feeling like the amount of effort that you're both putting in isn't equal
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
It might be expectations about money and how much you're contributing financially or whether or not you're ambitious and going after it or going after that bigger job. It might be something that we've struggled with, which is this kind of disconnect on birthdays and celebrating and holidays. And for me... Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Hey, you're stalling, aren't you, to think of an answer? All right, I'll go first. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
This is the million-dollar question for many people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Why is this a million-dollar question?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Because it points to a potential fork in the road where somebody is growing and somebody has outwardly chosen not to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
That's true. I am going to attack this two ways. The first thing I'm going to say is this. I once heard someone say the secret to a happy marriage is to marry someone who's happy. And the truth is you cannot make another human being happy. You can make them a cup of coffee. You can make some reservations. You can make the bed that you both sleep in, but you cannot make someone else happy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You can also not change somebody or force someone to grow. And the best thing that you can do for your relationship is to stop focusing on what your partner is doing and focus on taking the actions that make you a better person, that make you a happier person. Invest in your own growth because when you do that, you naturally bring it back to the relationship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
., a, set, P P P P P G實... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... a Laboratory the ,,,,,,,,. P P P P P P G ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac ac acר ,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,. P P P P P P G實, ac , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Laboratory a you don't have to do anything. Seriously.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You just plan the trip and pick the dates. They take care of everything. It's all done for you. You don't have to worry about the dinner reservations or the car rentals or the headaches of trying to get yourself from one place to the other. You could just have fun and enjoy the person you love as you explore an amazing new place. That's what Celebrity Cruises is all about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
A travel experience unlike any other. Learn more at CelebrityCruises.com. Visit Celebrity.com for details. Ships registry Malta and Ecuador.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And if you're with somebody who is not growing and you are growing, there will come a time where there's a fork in the road because you're going to start to probably resent the fact or judge the other person for the fact that they're not doing the work that you're doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And so in just a minute, Chris is gonna join me and we're gonna be answering your questions. talking about everything from how to handle resentment that's been simmering, to dealing with unmet expectations, to navigating family pressures and opinions, to what to do when one of you is changing and the other one isn't. And trust me when I say, Chris and I are getting real. Nothing is off limits.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And interestingly, this is an entire section of the Let Them Theory book, an entire section, because there is a fundamental fact about human behavior, and it's this. People only change when they feel like it. And when you pressure another person to change or to grow in the ways that you are, your pressure doesn't create change, it creates resistance to change.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And so you're right, Chris, this is a conundrum because the fork in the road is actually very simple. As you grow, if your partner isn't, there will come a time where you're not gonna question your commitment, you're gonna question your compatibility.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And you're going to start to ask yourself, can I be in a relationship with someone who is exactly as they are and not willing to lean into life and grow? So think about it as two separate things. You should always, always, always be investing in your own growth and your own happiness because the happier you are, the more happiness you're going to bring into your relationship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
But there may come a time where you start to question whether or not you're compatible. And that's a completely different thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I struggle with that because that does not actually, I don't see a difference between that and compatibility. Because if you're committed to growth and development and you demonstrate that through your own actions and you have the experience that your partner has,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
is not inspired by his or her own growth or development, and your actions are not rubbing off on that person, that points to a lack of compatibility.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Well, there's two things that may be at play. And this is why I would encourage you, if you're sitting here going, this is becoming a lack of compatibility. Have you even had the conversation? Have you sat down and talked about how their lack of interest in their own growth is impacting you? And if you haven't had the conversation, you need to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And you need to come at it from how it impacts you emotionally, how it makes you feel like you're not being supported, how you may be worried about them. The second thing I want you to understand is that when a person in a relationship starts to change and grow, it is extraordinarily confronting and scary to their partner.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I want to share a personal story from our relationship that will really illustrate the reason why you have to have a conversation about what is really going on in terms of how your partner is perceiving all of your growth and change. So a couple years ago, you decided, Chris, that you were going to just stop drinking.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And when you said you were going to stop drinking, which is an incredible form of personal growth, And it's a big change, positive change to make in your life. I was like, yay you. Go be better. I love that for you. You are drinking too much. You're exactly right. And you never, ever, ever, shamed me or made a request of me to stop drinking. You chose to do that for your growth.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And whether you're in a relationship, you're single, you're breaking up, you're not, you're working on one, you feel like you're roommates, you're in a situationship, I'm going to tell you something. There is something in these questions and in our answers and what we're going to share today that is exactly what you need to hear. So without further ado, we're getting raw, we're getting real.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I think that's an important point. He wasn't doing it for me. He was doing it for himself because adults change when they feel like changing and they change for themselves. So fast forward a couple of days, Chris is not drinking at all. And you are the least dramatic person I know. You never complained. You never had a fuss about it. You just quietly, consistently showed up for yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
So I'd say it was about the fourth day. I'm cooking dinner and I open up the fridge and I open up a bottle of wine because I love cooking dinner and I love cooking dinner with a glass of wine in my hand. And you walk in and I'm like, hey, would you like a glass of wine? And you said no. And I was like, oh, come on. It's just a glass of wine. And you're like, Mel, I'm not drinking.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And then I'm like, well, it's kind of just like juice. And you didn't think that was funny. And as I tell the story, I realized I look like a complete monster and jerk because I am now not only making a joke about what you're trying to do, I'm actively undermining the change you're trying to make. And I'll never forget this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You looked me square in the eye, Chris, and you said, do you remember what you said?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
You don't? This changed my life, what you said.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I got a couple of things you've said to me that have changed my life and you probably don't even know it yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
That's true. I've never thought about that. But this is what you said. You said, Mel, no one cares what's in your glass but you. Stop asking me if I want to have a drink. I have told you I am not drinking. And I think I was like, okay, okay, well, I just feel kind of weird like having a glass of wine alone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And you said, if you're self-conscious about what's in your glass, then you should be looking in the mirror and asking yourself why. And the point of this story is that when someone that you love changes, you in your mind understand that that's good. But as you see the person changing and growing and getting better, it forces you to take a look at your own behavior.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And that is extraordinarily confronting. And I want you to understand this because your partner may want to grow, but they may be stuck in that mode where they don't feel like doing it yet. Any pressure, any shame, it is 1000% going to push them away from you. And Chris did the best thing in the world. Chris just carried on and you focused on what you wanted to change.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I'm going to tell you something. Your partner's behavior influences you. I said you cannot force someone else to change. I never said you couldn't influence them. Every time you wake up and you roll out of bed an hour and a half earlier than I do, I hear you get up and it makes me think I should do that. Every time you go and you take the dogs on a loop, I think I should do that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
It is relationship time today on the Mel Robbins Podcast. One of the most important relationships in your life is the one that you have with your partner. I guarantee you there is so much more excitement waiting for you both.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And that's exactly what your partner is thinking, whether they're telling you that or not. And when you said, Chris, that it is a compatibility issue, it's true. At some point, if your partner doesn't ever feel like changing, like let's say you get sober and you don't, it's just not gonna work for you. It's a deal breaker to be with somebody who drinks. That's okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Only you know if you're in a situation based on your growth and your partner's lack of growth, if you've gotten to a point where the road forks and this is a deal breaker. And here's how you can tell if it's a deal breaker because I wrote an entire section about all this in the Let Them Theory.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
If the person never changes, they keep drinking, they never take care of their health, they never address the depression, They never speak to you kindly. Can you continue to choose them and love them as they are? And the only way that you're going to be able to answer that question is can you end your complaining about it? If you can't end your complaining, this is a deal breaker.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And based on the research in the Let Them Theory book, deal breakers are things that make you give up on your dreams and your values. But the vast majority of stuff that people kind of are frustrated about are not deal breakers at all. They're just differences in what people prioritize in their life. Is there anything else you want to add?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
I just want to speak to anybody who might be on the other side who has not embarked on some of these changes, growth choices, what have you, because I think that when you are in a relationship where somebody takes off, it's easy to sometimes conclude that, well, nothing I can do to catch up, throw my arms up. Nah, I don't need to go learn that or try this new thing or I can't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I would just say to those people, there is always a perfect time to make that choice, regardless of what your significant other may or may not have done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
This would be the perfect episode to send to your partner and open up this conversation. Because what I've found is that people also tend to change when they're given the space to come to their own conclusions and feel like this was their decision, not their partner's decision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And I have something very simple and surprising that I want to share with you thanks to Celebrity Cruises because they've sponsored this awesome and amazing bonus segment at the end of the episode. So listen all the way to the end and I'll see you there. You can learn more at CelebrityCruises.com. Visit Celebrity.com for details. Ships registry Malta and Ecuador. Hey, it's your friend Mel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And this is super important because the other thing that happens is you start to feel like there's something wrong with you. Which means you're going to want to defend yourself if you feel like somebody's trying to change you. It's part of human wiring. And so just to kind of close the loop on this, it is so great that you're growing. You have to have the conversation about how your partner feels.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And how their lack of interest in this is making you feel. And once you have that conversation and you also affirm that you love this person and you accept them as they are and you apologize for pressuring them and you ask for what you need for support, back off. Back off. You have to give someone else the space to work through their stuff and come to their own conclusions.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
And you'll know when you get to the point where it's a fork in the road and you're like, I don't know if I can be with somebody who's like this. And that's when you're at the point where you're like, is this a deal breaker for me? And only you know that. Ready for the next one? All right, Mark. Chris, you take the next one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Yeah. Hey, Mel. Society and even family sometimes seems to put a lot of pressure on my marriage in ways I wasn't expecting. How do you and Chris deal with outside pressures like societal expectations or family opinions that might impact your relationship?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Mark, I got a quote for you. A house divided cannot stand. What does that mean? It means pressure from the outside cannot tear you and your partner apart. It's the cracks from within your relationship that do that. So if outside pressure or family's opinions are getting to you and your spouse, that tells me that you two are not on the same page.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So for most of my life, you know, I just thought I was bad at focusing. My brain was always racing. I could never sit still. And then I had this like overwhelming feeling that I was constantly behind. It seemed like everybody else had figured out some secret to staying on top of things. And I was the only one who was struggling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I think the majority of us spend eight hours tense at work and we don't even realize it. Don't even realize it. That is unbelievable. I'm going to try it. Try it. And it's helpful to hear the physical symptoms because when you watch somebody that you care about who's struggling with it, it's very hard to understand because it doesn't seem to make sense.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And I would love to play a video for you because I was so excited when you were coming on and you have a son who's around the same age as our son. So my son's name is Oakley. And this morning when I knew you were coming in, I'm like, you know, he has struggled with anxiety his whole life. And so I am going to ask him because I don't know what to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I know a lot about anxiety, but the way that his manifests is very challenging. And I figured, why not wake him up in his college dorm room and tell him that you're going to be here and ask him if he would like to ask you a question about the issue that he's struggling with. And so we made a video and I would love to play it for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Okay. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Here's Oakley.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Uh, I don't know if it's morning for you, but it's sure morning for me. Nine o'clock for a college student. I just got out of bed like literally 30 seconds ago. Um, I hope you're well, my name's Oakley by the way. I shouldn't forget saying that. I'm my mom's son, Mel Robbins son. I'm not just like some random kid that they're getting a video from. Um, I,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I have two questions for you and I'm going to keep them super short because you're busy and I don't want to waste your time, but we're already at 30 seconds, so let me get this going. And they're both anxiety. Okay. My first question, basically what happens normally when I get anxious is before I'm even anxious in the first place,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
In my head, I'll start to get this like spinning sensation where it's basically a feeling of nausea. Like I start to get a feeling of nausea. And then from the nausea, I become anxious. And then I'm just like in this state of anxiety and it doesn't go away until I'm not nauseous anymore. But the anxiety I feel like makes it worse. And I'm like, oh, I'm anxious. I'm anxious because I'm nauseous.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And then it like gets worse. And so I was curious what you might think about that. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
She took a break from her busy schedule to hop on a plane and fly to our Boston studios today for one reason. She is here for you. And let me just tell you, the things that she is going to teach you today will not only blow your mind, they will actually change it for the better. So let's get into it. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Okay, so explain that because he's actually had things like that happen and so have I. And as you see in the video, He kind of loses his train of thought and looks off to the left and then recenters himself. And so what he's calling nausea or just this sort of lapse in feeling present spirals into something bigger. And so that's kind of common? That's pretty common.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So the reason why I wanted him to ask that is because I've been trying to help him as his mother. I'm clearly not a psychiatrist, but I've been trying to help him as his mother to untangle the physical sensation from what then happens where he then is like, oh, I'm anxious. And then he gets caught in telling him he's anxious. And I know for me, when I used to experience a lot of anxiety,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I was so scared of the feeling of being like anxious or being lost in my head or feeling like I was about to get in trouble or that something bad was gonna happen or could have been being afraid of getting on a plane or afraid that something would happen to my parents. Like I could so easily get lost in my thoughts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And then once I felt anxious, I got then worse because I was afraid of the anxiety. I'll give you a situational one. So yesterday I got an email from a business partner of mine. And it was one of those emails that just makes you go, you know, you just clench because you know that they're pissed at you. And even though I don't feel like I did anything wrong, they're really mad at me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And so there's that bracing sensation and bracing when you get an email where somebody's mad at you is a mentally healthy response, right? But the challenge for me is I have a hard time letting go of the worst case scenario in my head. What if this happens? What if they think that? What if I did something really wrong?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
What if I did do blah, blah, blah, blah, even though I don't think I did do that? And the getting caught in my head thinking about it then becomes the torture and is probably a hundred times worse than what they're actually miffed about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So can you help us understand, however you'd like to use those two examples, what anxiety actually is and what you can do to release yourself from the grip it has on you? Because I think the response happens and that's okay, but it's the grip that it holds on you that becomes problematic. Is that a good way to think about it? Yeah, that is a great way to think about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Actually, I'm turning right to the page right now. You're the one that, this is the first time I've ever heard of this in my entire life. It is genius. It's on page 248 of your book, Why Am I So Anxious? So why don't you walk us through that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I am so excited to be here with you. It is always such an honor to spend time together, to be together, but today in particular, I am fired up for this conversation because it has deeply personal meaning for me. And so I'm glad to be learning together with you. And if you're a new listener, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So in the case that Oakley just talked about, where he gets this sensation in his head, what I read in your book, when you talk about this Again, I want to just give everybody the page number because this is so cool. There's actually a chart for this. I'd never seen this before. It's on page 250, where you say, nausea, spin in a swivel chair for a minute.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
What about anxiety that feels like a pit in your stomach? Because I think that's sort of the classic thing that people feel. And I love that we're talking about physical sensations because for most of my anxiety and most of the anxiety that I've experienced with all three of our children, it always does seem to start with something physical in their body, this sense.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So let's talk about the pit in the stomach. What can you do if you have a pit in the stomach every time you walk into work in the morning? A lot of people have that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Thrilled that you're here. And because you hit play and found the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You love to learn, you love feeling inspired, and you also want to understand yourself better. And that's exactly what this amazing conversation is going to help you do today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Like if we talk about, because I think it would be super helpful for the person listening, to have you describe anxiety in terms of when you're in a calm, resting state, you're okay space. You're not in the what if loop going, what if this happens? What if that happens?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And then the pit in the stomach and then all of a sudden you think you're going to throw up and then you can't sleep and then you're staring at the ceiling. Yes, I've experienced all of this. Something just happened in your body when that switch flipped. So could you just describe for us what's happening either in your nervous system or digestive tract and why that's happening?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So that makes perfect sense. And I think we can all imagine you're in a scenario and whether it's just your mother-in-law who you can't stand and they walk in the room and you're like, that's what you're talking about. That your body and nervous system and senses sense a threat. All of a sudden your body steps on the gas. You just mentioned a bunch of chemicals that flood your body.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Your heart starts racing. Why? Because you know that this person person that you're now related to is about to say something nasty to you about your parenting style. So you're like on edge, you hit the gas, you're ready to go, you're bracing. That is the alarm system designed to protect you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
But you also then said you have the ability to tap the brakes because when she leaves and you turn to your husband and say, why didn't you defend me? Like, okay, like, well, I'm making a joke about it, but you can take a deep breath and because it's over and you go back into the present. And so it's helpful for me to understand that you have the ability to do these two things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And you said earlier that anxiety can be a really good thing because if the alarm goes on and you step on the gas because you want to do well in an interview or you need to protect yourself, then it's working. But the problem becomes, at least this is kind of what I'm hearing, that in the situation that Oakley described,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And if somebody sent this to you, let me just point out that that's really cool because it means you have people in your life that deeply care about you. And they wanted you to hear something that could potentially make your life better. And that's awesome. And today, the conversation, it's not going to just blow your mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
that the second that his brain feels slightly dizzy, he mistakenly steps on the gas and turns the alarm system on. Is that a fair kind of way to describe it? That's very fair. Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Oh, love that. Yeah, so let me just unpack this because I think that this is really important because I have always hated it. When psychiatrists or psychologists or medical experts have said, well, you know, you're never going to make your anxiety go away. Because I'm like, I want it to go away, Dr. Marks. Like, I don't want to live like this. I don't want to feel like this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
But in what you just said, you can't actually change anything. the things that are going to be happening around you, whether it's your mother-in-law walking in or your boss's bad mood. And you can't necessarily change the fact that your body is wired to go from that thing to suddenly stepping on the gas. That anxiety response is potentially always going to turn on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
But what you can control is you can catch it when you feel your body go like that and you step on the gas, you can take your foot off and not accelerate it. That's exactly right. And the reason why that's actually important to me is because I've always focused on never stepping on the gas.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And so allowing yourself to think about it like, okay, I'm just the kind of person that when I sense a threat or I got to do something, boom, my body steps right on the gas, but I don't have to accelerate this. In fact, I can use the tools that Dr. Marks is going to teach us today to decelerate and then tap the brake. That's exciting. Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I've been looking at the wrong thing, Dr. Marks, for 56 years.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I love that because I think the fear of being anxious and the frustration with it makes you just want it to disappear. What you're basically saying is forget about that. Let's just learn how to decelerate.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
It's going to change your mind because we're going to dig into the surprising connection between anxiety ADHD, and symptoms that people with these two conditions experience that you may not be aware of. I certainly wasn't. And more importantly, you're going to get a lot of tools on exactly what to do if this is how you feel or if it's impacting somebody that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Okay, great. So for somebody listening who has somebody in their life who is struggling with anxiety, even just the reframe of thinking about this, like, you don't have to get rid of their anxiety. You're going to be a support system for helping them decelerate their response to it. Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So let me introduce you to the amazing Dr. Tracy Marks, who is an absolute powerhouse. Dr. Marks graduated from Duke and then got her medical degree from the University of Florida College of Medicine. She did a residency in psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital. She has been a practicing clinical psychiatrist for over 25 years, specializing in anxiety, ADHD, and mood disorders.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
She's also the author of three bestselling books on mental health, including the one I'm holding right now, Why Am I So Anxious? She also has 2 million subscribers on YouTube, making her channel one of the biggest mental health and wellness channels online today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Thank you. Thank you. ,,,,,,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And the anxiety, oh my gosh. I mean, that was just like a part of who I was, or at least... That's what I thought. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 47 when everything finally clicked. The fact that three of my kids have also struggled with ADHD and anxiety makes today's conversation even more personal for me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Her YouTube videos break down complicated topics like ADHD and anxiety into simple, relatable strategies that help people like you and me who are struggling with ADHD and anxiety learn how to thrive. So without further ado, please help me welcome Dr. Tracy Marks to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Dr. Tracy Marks, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Thanks for having me here. I am so excited.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Well, what I love about this is you're starting to really cement this theme. that there are always going to be things in your life that trigger the pit in the stomach or make your heart race or that make you jump up into your head and start going, what if this, what if that, what if they're saying that? That is something that is just what we all need to learn to live with.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
But whether or not you hit the accelerator and you run yourself over and allow anxiety to just flood you is within your control.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
You know, Dr. Marks, Alyssa's question is, about the fear of throwing up and just the idea of it making somebody anxious, we get flooded in the inbox with questions about this. Based on your 25 years of clinical experience as a psychiatrist, what are mind tools, body tools, and behavior tools that you can use to help yourself manage anxiety?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I am so excited to sit down and talk with you. Why am I so anxious? This is a fantastic book. But more importantly, you know what it is? It is a resource. When I was flipping through this, I cannot believe how many tools, how much research, how many different... just strategies that you put together for people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So you're basically saying if you're somebody that has a fear of throwing up, you can have that fear and still get on the plane. You can have that fear and learn how to go to the networking meeting. You can have that fear and do a sleepover or go to work or because the fear may never go away.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
But you can learn how not to accelerate in those situations where you notice you're a little worried about it. Is that a fair way to say it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
You know, I recently started thinking about anxiety as a moment where there's something that you fear or you're uncertain, and then you doubt your capacity to handle it. And I'd love to hear you reflect on that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So thank you, thank you, thank you for writing such a fantastic book that I'm sure is helping millions of people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So eating too much sugar and ultra-processed foods actually increases your anxiety? Yes. Wow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Got it. It's almost like, as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking about how much sense that makes because if you don't get the rest you need and you wake up weary, everything around you is going to feel like a threat. That's right. And what was the third one?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Okay, so how does not exercising make you more anxious?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
But it made me smarter about anxiety for sure. Excellent. Goal achieved.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So I would love to start by having you speak directly to the person that is listening, that's spending time together with us right now, and just explain what might be different about their life or the life of somebody that they care about if they take everything that you're about to share with us today to heart and they apply it to their life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
You know, this feels like a good moment to hit the pause button because there's someone in my life that I actually want to share what you just said with. And so I want to give you, as you've been listening to Dr. Marks, a chance to share this information and this conversation with people that you care about. I also want to give our sponsors a chance to share a few words. Don't go anywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Dr. Marks and I will be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are learning from Dr. Tracy Marks. We're learning about the connection between anxiety and ADHD. Thank you for being here and listening to this. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Now, Dr. Marks, one thing that I'd love to talk to you about is the connection between ADHD and anxiety seem to be this thing that goes hand in hand. And I remember when Our son Oakley was in the fourth grade. He came home from school and he had these like bruises on his hands. And I was so upset because I thought he had gotten into a fight at school. And I asked him, Oak, like what happened?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
What happened? And he couldn't remember. Well, long story short, It turns out that he had undiagnosed dyslexia, dysgraphia, and ADHD, and it was now the fourth grade, and so everything was crashing around him, and he was apparently sitting in class wringing his hands to the point where he had bruised his own hands. And when we took them in to see a doctor, they were saying, oh, it's anxiety.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And that's what got diagnosed first. And then when we went and got all kinds of evaluations done, it turned out there were lots of other things going on. And if I look at my own history, I was diagnosed with anxiety in my high school years. And the underlying issue, I believe, was undiagnosed ADHD.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I was treated for anxiety for decades, and it wasn't until I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 47, like the majority of women are when their kids are going through the diagnosis, and you start to go, well, that seems very familiar. that seeing the issue of ADHD for the first time was absolutely life-changing and helped me personally separate those two things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
But when I think about anybody that I know that has ADHD, they always talk about anxiety and vice versa. And so what is the connection between these two things?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
It's sort of like its own type of performance anxiety.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
You know what? I used to beat myself up chronically because I constantly forgot people's birthdays. But I resonate with that because when you have trouble directing your attention and staying on top of details, you do feel like you're not on top of things. You do feel like you're screwing up. And it does create this sense that there's something wrong with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Did my husband call you before this and ask you to have an intervention with me, Dr. Marks?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Well, that explains a lot. It explains a lot. So are people that have ADHD tend to be more emotional? Emotional, yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
That makes so much sense. So what are the key differences between Between ADHD versus anxiety, because I've, you know, I've heard ADHD described as you mentioned the prefrontal cortex and executive functioning. It's like the conductor in the brain that is basically going tap, tap, tap a string session. Like you guys. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And then lifting up this group over here, the percussion, you can come on now. The ability to kind of direct your attention, that switching feature doesn't really work that well.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I can't believe we're talking about this because I learned for the first time last week, talking to my therapist, who's changed my life, shout out Ann Davin, where she was basically saying there's a huge connection between ADHD and actual rumination and spiraling thoughts because you can't pull your attention off ADHD. of the worst case scenario.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
You know, I mentioned earlier getting this email from somebody who's miffed at me about something, and I bet I probably wasted three hours because I could not direct my attention to something else. I would try to, and I'd be like, nope, let's think about that over here. And so that makes so much sense why these are so related to one another.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Now, you have been a psychiatrist for 25 years, and there are a number of topics that I cannot wait to jump in and just really unpack with you. And in particular, what I'm excited to talk about is anxiety And then to get into its connection with ADHD and other symptoms that people may be feeling that they don't realize are related.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Dr. Marks, do you have any thoughts on what seems like a huge surge of people getting diagnosed later in life with ADHD, which was the case for me and a lot of my female friends?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Right, right. Or everybody's distracted. You don't have ADHD. That's what I hear a lot. Like, can you explain, and I think it would be helpful, to really just put the nail in the coffin on this one, because there is sort of that eye roll. Oh, you have ADHD too? Everybody's distracted.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
There's a big difference between just being distracted because of the world that we live in versus what it actually feels like day to day to be somebody that does have ADHD as a diagnosed condition that you're dealing with or an undiagnosed condition that you don't know that you're dealing with.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So can you walk us through what a day might look like for somebody who is going through their day and they may not realize they have ADHD?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
You're sitting here as a psychiatrist telling me that you don't like the diagnosis that you have been given because you look at your husband and your son and are like, I'm not like those losers. I knew I loved you. Oh my God, Dr. Marks. But even though you've been diagnosed with it, you're like, I can't possibly have that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
What are you seeing in your practice and with the millions of people that follow you online? What are you seeing in terms of the type of anxiety that people are struggling with? And what do you think we should know?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Oh my God, I say this to my team all the time. I'm like, if we are going to do a production day, I will tape for nine hours straight. But the second you put me in a meeting and I have to look at copy or if I have to change something on my phone, you call this set switching? Yes. And I go into a different mode, I can't go back to taping.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Do you actually get anything done? Like I get something done for like the first hour and then I'm realizing I have a Zoom call and I get nothing else done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And does that have to do with the dopamine and the prefrontal cortex being able to direct different parts? Is that what that is? That's what that is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Okay, so I want to see if I can unpack this. So your brain needs stimulation to pay attention if you're somebody that truly struggles with this issue of ADHD. And so I'm thinking about the example that absolutely all of us can relate to, where you have somebody in your life who can literally rot away in front of a video game for two days.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And you walk into the room and they don't even break their stare. They're so hyper-focused. But then getting them to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket or remember to do the homework or shut the refrigerator door or put their shoes somewhere other than the middle of the hallway it's just, you don't even understand why they're like this because you've seen them focus on something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So that must mean they're just a world-class jerk in every other area of their life because you're not seeing that level of attention to detail in other areas. And so we presume that the person doesn't care or that they're rude or that they're aloof. And what you're saying is, No, no, no, no, no. The ADHD brain really requires some form of stimulation. Is that where the dopamine comes in?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Well, you know, what's interesting is that this makes sense because, you know, if I think about what I've heard a lot of people say and what I've struggled with is is like if you literally wake up in the morning if you have ADHD and you grab your phone and then you look at social media, you've just flushed your dopamine that you needed for the attention during the day right down the toilet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And now you're going to struggle to gain it back because you wasted it on something really stupid. And understanding that you need that dopamine to focus, that's a really important thing to understand.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And also because if they've also blasted through their dopamine by being on social media first thing or playing video games or whatever, they don't have the stimulation that they need in order to focus on these things that are not that interesting. It's so, that is so helpful to understand this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I mean, when I think about some of the just nutso things that I do because of my ADHD, I have lists everywhere. I leave cabinet doors and faucets running all the time, cabinet doors open. I also do this thing on social media where I have extensive folders of things that I've saved, thinking that at some point in the future, I will go back and organize them all. I haven't looked at them once.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I mean, and I just obsessively do this. I'm constantly running late because I have this weird time expansion thing that happens to me where I feel like I can get 25 things done in exactly three minutes. It just makes me crazy because I know that I can focus in other areas. So it seems so weird that I can't just freaking make myself do it. Talk to me, Dr. Marks.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
It's so fascinating. You know, you... have unbelievable content on your YouTube channel that are all about the overlooked signs and symptoms that people don't realize are symptoms of ADHD and anxiety. And I would love to have you talk about body picking. What is body picking and why do people do it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So is hair pulling like when you see somebody constantly twirling their hair and splitting the ends and doing stuff like this? Is that what you mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Wait, so nail biting and biting or picking at your cuticles or around your fingers is a form of anxiety? It's like a symptom of anxiety?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Why is nail biting and skin picking something that people with ADHD do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So if you're somebody that struggles with nail biting, Dr. Marks, what do you recommend somebody do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And if you were to wear the gloves for a couple months, does that train you to stop doing it? Is that what's happening? It trains you to stop.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
That makes sense because I would imagine people do it almost as like a soothing technique. You know, I have another question from my son. Okay. That I would love to play for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And then I have one more question for you. And then this one, this one's a good one. Whenever I get anxious, I like, I normally like uncontrollably shake my hand like this or like I go like this, like I do a little snap. Isn't that cool? But it's a lot of like shaking and it's something that I do completely unconsciously at this point. And I was curious what you might think about that too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Let me know. Thank you so much. You're amazing. The work you do is incredible. You help so many people and we are so lucky to have you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Oh, so for example, if he catches himself shaking and he gets to a point where he's like, this is something that I'd like to stop doing that I'm not aware that I'm doing. Mm-hmm. That in moments where he catches himself doing it, so going back to this kind of metaphor of the response happens, that's not what we're focused on. We're focused on not stepping on the accelerator.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
He might then go, okay, clearly something's making me feel a little unsettled. Let me do a breath. And so he's now catching that he's shaking and he's teaching himself to take his foot off the gas and to step on the brake. That's right. oh, wow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And then just like some of the other examples of you're putting gloves on while you watch TV so you don't destroy your finger beds or bite your nails down until they're bleeding, that you are now teaching yourself to stop doing that thing subconsciously in situations where you might feel bored or lonely or nervous about something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Dr. Marks, what would you say to somebody who is struggling with body picking and it's really challenging and impacting their life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Since we're on the topic of repetitive behavior, what is the relationship between ADHD and tics? And what is a tic?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Because I honestly had no idea how deeply connected ADHD and anxiety actually are. And even more surprising, some of the habits that my kids and I have that I thought were just like these weird little quirks, turns out, nope. Not weird at all. They were actually textbook anxiety and ADHD symptoms.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Well, it's interesting because at the very beginning, you said that one of the things that could change about your life is your brain. Because your brain is malleable, you are able to reprogram it. And if I think about what you just shared with us, which is anxieties on the uptick,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Which I just want to say to you as you're listening, if you're experiencing an uptick in anxiety or if people that you care about are experiencing anxiety for the first time, that I think it's important to hear that this is actually kind of normal right now, that Dr. Marks is seeing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
What's also interesting to me about the list that you just gave us in terms of social media, constant comparison, things constantly changing, the headlines, the news cycle that's so negative, like all of it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
is that those factors have changed your brain in terms of you feeling anxious, which means if there are outside factors that can change your brain and make you anxious, I would imagine, Dr. Marks, there are also factors that you're going to teach us today that can help you get your anxiety under control.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. in la, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So if you're like super anxious, because I struggled with anxiety for decades. And one of my biggest fears, Dr. Marks, is I'd never actually get rid of it. That I would always feel like that. And so for somebody that's listening right now, or they have anxiety, a loved one, a child or a family member or a friend who's just like in the grip of it, what is possible?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So before we jump into specifics, what actually is anxiety? Are you feeling anxious right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
That is so relatable, Dr. Marks. So to have you be a world renowned expert with millions of followers and in real time Tell me and the person that is making time to learn from you that you're actually experiencing a little bit of performance anxiety, which is just wanting to do well, wanting to meet the moment. And I think that that is so helpful because
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Nail biting, skin picking, constantly fidgeting, procrastinating all the time, overthinking, feeling paralyzed by your own brain, frustrated that you want to change, but you just can't seem to. If any of this sounds familiar, you need to hear this conversation today. And if you're not dealing with anxiety or ADHD, I guarantee you someone that you love is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
What do you experience in your body when you are in a moment where you feel anxious about wanting to do well? And, you know, we've all been there, whether it's on a date or an interview. This is a very normal thing, and it's a sign that you're actually functioning the way that you should because you care about how you're going to do, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
You know, Dr. Marks, it's so interesting that you bring that up because I just have these days where at the end of the day, I feel exactly that, like completely exhausted and tense. And then I reflect, I'm like, well, you basically just sat all day at your desk. Why is that a symptom of anxiety?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
I literally just sat up. I'm like, oh my God, I'm slouched over like The Hobbit right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
Plus, if you're at work and you're kind of bracing, like if you're having a stressful day, that's also another form of you tensing up your muscles.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Truth About Anxiety & ADHD: Life-Changing Tools From a Renowned Psychiatrist
So today what I've done is I've pulled some serious strings to bring in one of the top psychiatrists with over 25 years of clinical experience specializing in ADHD and anxiety. She's so busy, you'd never be able to even book an appointment with her. And she also happens to have 2 million YouTube subscribers, making her one of the biggest mental health and wellness channels online today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, so the other day I was on YouTube and I was watching an episode of one of my personal favorite podcasts on YouTube, which is Club Shay Shay, and he had Terry Crews on. I freaking love Terry Crews. I would tell you all about his resume right now, but it is so long. We'll get to that in just a second.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I want to personally welcome you to the family. You've tuned into an amazing, amazing episode. And thank you for taking the time to listen to something that could truly help you be happier and help you create a better life. And today, I'm going to share three questions that I learned about from other people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I knew he had moved to LA after he had retired from the NFL. I had no idea it was so that he could be an illustrator and work for a company like Pixar. How freaking cool. But the point here is simple.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
that these tiny changes, whether it's going to the gym every day and just showing up and sitting on the machine and reading a magazine, one of these days after day 22, you're going to get tired of that and you'll actually use the machine. But if you just keep showing up, the habit of showing up builds.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And if you just keep asking yourself that first question, how would I do this if someone were paying me a million dollars to do this? that makes it a habit for you to tap into your greatest potential and give it your all no matter how you feel. And the reason why that matters is because how you do anything is how you do everything. How you sweep a floor is how you show up at an interview.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
How you file paperwork at the VA's office is how you pick yourself up after the first studio says, no, sorry, we don't need animation. And the man just kept going. Why? Because he had used these simple tools to tap into a greater potential within himself. And it's in the showing up that will ultimately open up the door that you've always wanted to walk through.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And oftentimes, this is certainly what I have found in my life. You're gunning for one thing. And in Terry Crew's life, it was animation, Pixar. I'm going to be an illustrator. We're going to use the artistry thing. And as you are putting it all into being excellent at that, some door you didn't even realize was the one that was meant for you pops open and boom, you find your way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
you discover who you really are and what you're capable of. You discover it over and over and over again. I just love this. Don't you love this? You know what else I love? our sponsors. I want to take a quick pause and let them have a chance to share a little bit about their amazing products and services. And don't you dare go anywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I mean, how would you listen to this podcast if somebody were paying you a million dollars to do it, right? You'd stick around. So I'm going to be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And today you and I are covering the three questions that determine who you really are. So let's jump back into it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
There are going to be times where life is going to present you with a crossroads. And you are going to have a big decision to make. And you're going to wonder, what is that decision? Do I stay in this job? Do I quit this job? Do I stay where I am? Do I move? Is this the relationship? Is it not? These are really big personal questions. How do you answer them?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
people who have accomplished extraordinary things in their lives, in their work. And we are going to use these questions as a way for you to tap into and unearth your power and your potential and your greatest self. And these are questions that determine who you really are. Don't you want to know what these questions are? Of course you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
How do you discover who you truly are, especially when what you do is going to impact other people, whether it's the person that you love or the kids that you're responsible for or the bills that you have to pay? Well, for the second question,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I don't know what it is about the algorithm on YouTube, but the second I was done mainlining this interview with Terry Crews, all of a sudden there is this interview from Jeff Bezos and I'd never seen this thing. So this interview that I'm about to play for you, this little clip is from 2001.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
So I want to set the table a little bit because Jeff Bezos, as you know, founder of Amazon and the background on his story is that in 1994, He wants to jump into the internet game. And so in this interview, and the interview that you're about to hear a clip from is an interview that he gave in 2001. And it was for a nonprofit called the Academy of Achievement.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And he was talking about lessons that he had learned in courage. And so he's setting the table about a conversation that he's going to have with his boss in 1994, where he's going to explain to his boss that he's planning on quitting this big job to start a virtual bookstore. Let's take a listen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And that brings us to the second question that determines who you truly are. And I'm going to add a little bit to it. And it also helps you determine what you truly want. because sometimes it's not so obvious. And so he goes away for 48 hours and he's in search of this framework, this framework that's going to help him make this huge life-changing decision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And in the interview, he explains, and these are his words, not mine, only a nerd would call it this, but he starts calling this framework, which is basically a question, the regret minimization framework. And the basic premise of it is to make decisions in a way to minimize the number of regrets that you're going to have when you're 80 years old. And so let's go back to this interview.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Where Jeff is explaining what the regret minimization framework is and the question he asked himself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And that brings me to the very first question that you're going to ask yourself. that determines who you really are. And this, I gotta give all the credit to none other than Terry Crews. Just in case you have no idea who this man is, he is a world famous actor, TV host, sitcom star, comedian, artist, best-selling author, children's book illustrator, and if that's not enough,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
What I love about this is that he's using this commitment to minimize regrets as a way to ask himself a question. And the question is basically project yourself out to the age of 80 and ask, what will I think at that time?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And he then explains the benefit of going out into the distance and asking yourself, what will I think about taking this risk, whether I fail, whether I succeed at the time when I'm 80?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I love this. Because to put this in context, if you don't work on Wall Street, the thing to know about that bonus that he was walking away from is for most people, that is the majority of your compensation for the entire year. And he said, it can confuse you. I think it can determine your decision. You make the decision based on what's going to happen in the next six months.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And you forget about the long range impact of how you will feel about that decision way later down the road when you're 80 years old. And after watching that interview, I was so curious to see if he spoke any more about this that I could only find one other interview online. It was 18 years later. And in this one, he is on a stage at an event called Summit Co.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And he happens to be talking to his brother about lessons and success. And he's reflecting back on this moment in his life and using the regret minimization framework to make this decision. And he had this insight. about the nature of regrets that I wanted to share with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And that's why the second question determines who you really are and what you really want. If I put myself at the age of 80, what am I going to think about this decision then? Am I going to regret not doing it? And what's interesting about this question is it does help you remove all of the things that you're scared of that are right in front of you right now, immediately in your vision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And it helps you think long term and tap into what your heart truly wants. That thing that you know to be true that oftentimes you're scared to listen to. And it actually really works. I've referred to this before as time traveling. When you time travel ahead in your life and then you look backwards, things tend to make sense in a way that they don't when you're standing in the middle of it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And it gives you this sense of perspective that has wisdom that you can use in the present moment. And it works because I've felt this way. You know, when I've asked my question at various times in my life, like, for example, when we moved to Vermont, am I going to regret not doing something that really supports Oakley at this moment in his life? Yes, I would regret not doing that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
He has been named People's Sexiest Man of the Year three times in a row. His career in acting spans for decades. Like this man is unstoppable. And so here he is being interviewed on Club Shay Shay by none other than Shannon Sharp, who's an ESPN commentator and one of the most popular podcast hosts on the planet. I'm going to link to that interview in the show notes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And so we moved. I felt that way when I started this podcast. Would I regret not doing it? Even though it was a big risk, even though I was going to have to shut down parts of the business that were very successful to find the time to do this, even if it failed, I knew I would regret not doing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And then all of a sudden, all the obstacles just become not barriers to doing it, but things you need to figure out. And you know what else? I felt this way. when I quit my job as a lawyer in 1999. See, I hated that job, but I didn't know what I wanted to do. But I was so intrigued by the internet that I quit my job as a lawyer and I jumped right into that first dot-com bubble in 1999.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And you want to know something? I wasn't successful. I went from job to job to job to job. I was lost and changing my career and had no direction. I was just like throwing darts at the wall for crying out loud, trying to figure out my next move for 14 years. 14 years.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
But I'll tell you what, even though I didn't succeed, you know, like it wasn't like I jumped into a startup that became Amazon and I found my calling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I definitely didn't fail and I know if I had stayed in that job and just soldiered on I would have looked back on that moment and regretted it for the rest of my life and I tell you that because you don't regret the things that you failed at because you're proud of yourself for trying And that's exactly what Jeff Bezos reflected on at the end of that interview in 2019.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I just love this. I love this question. Just think about yourself at the age of 80 and now look back on this decision you need to make. And your job is to make a decision that you will not regret. And there is a 100% chance that you will regret not trying. You will regret not taking a risk. You will regret not placing a bet on yourself or following your heart.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And you wanna know what else is true? There's 100% chance you will be proud of yourself if you find the courage to take the risk. I'm telling you, you're gonna be proud of yourself. And that's why that question is so powerful. This is a great moment to hit the pause button, hear a word from our sponsors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
If somebody's coming to mind, you're like, they need this, please share this episode with them. It will make a huge difference in their life for them to have these questions too. Alrighty, share this episode and I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And today you and I are digging into three questions that determine who you truly are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And that brings me to the third and final question from somebody I love. I love this woman so much. I follow her online. She is so extraordinary. Every time she comments on a post, I nearly have a heart attack because I respect her so much. I'm talking about the one and only Viola Davis. Now, her resume is unbelievable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
You go watch the entire two hours, then you go subscribe to that YouTube channel. He is the best. I just love his interviews. And so I'm leaning in. I'm watching this interview that he's doing with Terry Crews. And so Terry Crews kind of starts the interview with the background. And like me, Terry is from Michigan. I'm from the western side of the state, Muskegon. Terry grew up in Flint, Michigan.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
First of all, she has run the Triple Crown of Acting, an Academy Award, an Emmy Award, a Tony Award. Unbelievable. There's only 24 people, 15 women, nine men who've achieved that Triple Crown. She's also won the EGOT, which is that acronym for winning an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony. I mean, that is unbelievable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And one of the things that I respect about her so much is she is one of the wisest human beings I think I could ever listen to. Every time she talks, I just feel myself exhale. And there was this clip that I found that thank you, YouTube, for just serving up the next most amazing thing that I should see. Thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing this clip of Viola into my life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And I want to set the stage because this third question is a game changer. You want to know who you really are? Ask yourself this question every morning. You want to know what you're really made of? Ask yourself this question before you go to bed every night. It will reveal a truth that you need to live by. And so the clip that you're about to hear is Viola Davis standing on the red carpet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
She is at the premiere of the Hunger Games in 2023. She's standing next to Julius, who is her husband, and a BuzzFeed reporter asks her, What relationship advice would you give the youth?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Don't you love that answer? I love that. You're asked, what's your relationship advice? And most of us immediately default to our relationship with our significant other. That's why Viola Davis is always there with the wisdom. She's like, you are the love of your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
She takes control of that interview, redirects it to the most important relationship that you have, the relationship with yourself. And she wasn't done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Oh, it's so true. Everything begins with you. If you want to know who you truly are and what matters to you, ask yourself the question when you wake up in the morning, today, who is going to be the love of my life? You. It should be you. How do you do that? You treat yourself like you would treat somebody that you love. You speak kindly. You take care of your body. You take care of your needs.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
You don't chase people that aren't choosing to love you back. You don't accept less than you deserve. You hold on to your boundaries. You focus on what matters. That's how you know that you're the love of your life. When you go to bed every single night, ask yourself that question. Again, because it determines who you really are. And every night, give yourself a gut check.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And he talks about how even when he was a kid, he just had this huge passion for art. And art, believe it or not, I don't know if you know this, art is what earned him a scholarship to Western Michigan University. And when he got there, he walked on to the football team.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Who was the love of my life today? And I hope nine times out of 10, you know it was you. Because how you treat yourself sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. How you treat yourself in response to that question determines who you are and what your experience of life is. It starts with you. Three simple questions. Determine who you really are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Question number one, if you were getting paid a million dollars to do this, how would you do it? That question reveals a level of excellence, capacity, just this ability to put your all into something and it also reveals when you're not. So that's question number one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Question number two, if I time travel and I think about being 80 years old and I look back at this moment, am I going to regret not doing this? And the fact is, you never regret the risks that you take, even when you fail. Because when you fail, knowing that you took a risk, that you bet on yourself, you're proud of yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
But there's a huge, huge chance that you will regret not taking that risk. And so that question determines who you really are because it helps you tap into what's in your heart and the courage that you need to follow it. This third question today, who is going to be the love of my life? You. You. It should be you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
You know who the love of your life is, not based on what you feel, but based on how you behave. Did you treat yourself with love? And that question's a game changer because how you treat yourself sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. It starts with you. And you have so much more potential, so much more excellence, so much more courage and capacity than you're tapping into.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And I truly hope that these three questions are tools that you use to start digging deeper. And maybe what you need is a moment of honesty, like the one Terry Crews shared with us, where looking back, you realize you've been blaming everybody else, but the truth is you weren't showing up. You weren't taking the risk.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And the good news about finally waking up to that is you can take responsibility for how you show up moving forward. You can dig a little deeper. There is this level that you haven't reached yet with yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Now, Terry admits in this interview, and he's admitted this in past interviews that I've watched with him, that he never really liked football. Football was just a way out of Flint, Michigan. And he admits, and I love this about him, he admits that even when he was in football, he didn't really apply himself as much as he knew deep in his heart that he could.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And the moment you decide to hold yourself to a higher standard, whether that's how you treat yourself or whether that's how you show up and do the job with excellence and put your full self into it, or whether it's allowing yourself to take the risks and tap into that courage to follow your heart, you discover the person you could become.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And I will be waiting for you in the very next episode. Okay. All right. Let's go. Okay. All right. We're ready. Here we go. Here we go. Let's see. Hold on. Okay. Gotcha. That's a good, that's good read in for me. Okay, great. What's the question thing again? Okay, great.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Great. Because it's, you know, I think this is so exciting. Um, and so that brings me to the first question. Oh, it sounds so good. I believe in her. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And you're going to hear him talk about this in just a minute, that he says to Shannon, like, you were a superstar in the NFL. I didn't really like it. In fact, I didn't fully dedicate myself to the NFL. And I can admit that to myself. And so they kind of talk a little bit about the background there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
But there was this moment in the interview, oh my gosh, Terry Crews was telling this story. about a question that he asked himself at one of the lowest moments of his life when he was a janitor sweeping a floor. And this question changed his life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And then you learn that in 1996, after a brief stint with the Philadelphia Eagles, he retires from football. And that's when he takes this bold risk and he moves his family. out to Los Angeles. And so it's now 1997 and Terry Crews has moved to Los Angeles because he is going to pursue his first love, which is art, believe it or not. He was an illustrator. That's what he did.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Like he moved out there to LA because he wanted to get into animation. So they're starting from scratch. They have a young family. His wife is starting to get nervous because they literally are broke. And she says to him, dude, what are we going to do if this doesn't work? Are we going to go back to Flint? And I want you to hear what Terry's response is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Part of his resolve came from the fact that he could be honest with himself, that he didn't throw himself completely into his NFL career. And he reflects upon this in the interview. And I just think this is a level of self-awareness and honesty that you don't hear from people very often.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I just love that. I totally had to be honest with myself. And as he was sitting there going through that laundry list, weren't you reflecting on your own life? I was certainly reflecting on my life. The opportunities I squandered, the periods of my life where I did not put myself into it. College did not put myself into it. Law school did not put myself into it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Job after job after job did not throw myself into it. And then I would have the audacity to blame it on something else. When you know deep down that you didn't give it your all, you didn't show up as your best. And so I want to make sure that you're thinking about that for yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
Those moments in your life where you know you didn't show up in a way and tap into your true potential, and you did that. Because that's now the fuel that Terry Crews is using to keep himself going. Because success isn't just handed to you. I often say to our daughters who's actually out in Los Angeles pursuing a career in the music industry, it's not about how good you are on stage.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And then I found another video of one of my favorite human beings of all time, Viola Davis, talking about a question that you need to ask yourself every day of your life. And so that's what you and I are going to dig into today. Three questions that you need to ask yourself that determine who you are, what you're made of, and what actually matters to you. Hey, it's your friend Mel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
It's about how long you are willing to be your best and to continue to show up and not quit. That's the game. You think the game is singing? That is not what the game is. The game is showing up and showing up and tapping into your potential and refusing to quit. And to make the stakes even higher, Terry's not just starting from scratch. He's just come from the NFL where he's
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
almost made it like he knows how close he was to having all of the things that everybody's chasing and so he's in this moment of the story where his job, believe it or not, is working as a janitor, sweeping floors. And he's telling his wife, we're not going back to Flint. I don't care if we are here till we are 99 years old and I never make it. We are not leaving LA. I am not giving up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I am pouring myself into this. And so he's setting the scene. that he is going to do what it takes to make this work in LA as a janitor. He's going to figure this out. And so hear him tell you this moment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And now, you are back at square one. You are starting from scratch. You have a broom in your hand and you have a floor to sweep. And that brings me to the very first question that determines who you really are. A question that Terry Crews asked himself over and over and over again while he had that broom in his hand and was committed to doing whatever it took to pursue his dreams.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I want to make sure you heard that question. Imagine if someone was going to give me a million dollars to sweep this floor. How would you sweep it? That's the question. That right there. And he called it a little game that he was playing to get through the depression. This is not a game. This is the way you play life to win.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
This is a question that you ask yourself to discover who you really are and what you're made of. Just ask yourself that. Like think about your current job or the school that you're in or anything that you're pursuing in life right now. Imagine if somebody were going to give you a million dollars to study for that class, I would get an A+. I can tell you that right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I don't care if it was engineering quantum physics, I would get an A+. Imagine if somebody were going to give you a million dollars to sweep a floor, to unload a dishwasher, to work on your resume. I guarantee you, if they were going to pay you a million dollars, you would dig deep and you would show up differently. And you know what that question reveals?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
It reveals that there is hidden potential inside of you. It reveals a capacity that you haven't tapped into. It reveals a will and a desire and a motivation that is there. that you can use. If you can ramp up how you show up, if you can give it your all, if you imagine that someone's gonna give you a million dollars, it means you can do it at any time. And that's what that question reveals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
It reveals who you really are. And I think that this is so exciting. It's exciting to know that you're capable of more. It's exciting to know that there are periods of your life where, yeah, you're going to coast. Nobody's paying me to do this. I don't really care. It doesn't really matter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And then there are times where you got to dig deep and you got to keep going and you got to ask yourself this question that Terry Crews did because he didn't just ask himself that as he's sweeping that floor, struggling through depression.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
starting over from scratch in L.A., he asked it in every single menial job that he had, from filing papers over at the Veterans Administration to doing security for movie sets. Here he is talking about how he used that question as he is standing on the lot, working as a security guard on a movie set to tap into his own excellence and his own potential and a better mindset. Check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
I'm so excited for our conversation today because I have three questions that I am going to share with you. I discovered them one afternoon and I was going down a rabbit hole on YouTube watching one of my favorite podcasts, which is Club Shay Shay. We're going to get into that in just a minute. But first, I want to tell you, I love spending time with you. Thank you for tuning in today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
There is so much to unpack here. There is so much wisdom in this question. He's literally reverse engineering excellence and reverse engineering motivation and reverse engineering how you raise your own standards with one question. Imagine if somebody were paying you a million dollars to do this. How would you do this if you were getting paid a million dollars?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And any change in the way that you would do something reveals that you have more potential than you're using. It reveals that you have the ability to push through something. And he used this to force himself to keep going.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And a little bit later in the interview, there's this really interesting moment where they dug into depression and how real it is, particularly after playing football and starting over. And he had this realization where he was saying that he hadn't worked out in a year. And so he spent $25 to go to a gym and work out a month. And he had never spent money to go to a gym before.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
So here he spent $25 a month to go to a gym. And he said he was so depressed, check this out, that he would just sit on the machine and read a magazine. Didn't even work out. But he made himself a promise. that he would keep coming back 20 days, 21 days. And that habit, he's talking about a habit, something you repeat that then becomes who you are, turned into 30 years of consistently working out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are
And as he's reflecting both on this question that he asked over and over and over, Imagine if somebody were paying me a million dollars. How would I do this thing if I were getting paid a million dollars? Which what creates a habit of excellence, a habit of raising your own standards, a habit of putting your all into something. And here's what he learned about these tiny, small changes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Have you ever watched someone walk into a room and you think to yourself, God, I wish I had that kind of confidence? I mean, there's just something about the way they hold themselves. Maybe it's the way they conduct themselves in a meeting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Let me remind you of a fact. Everybody starts at zero, everyone. Whether you're trying to learn guitar or you're building a social media following, you're not going to feel confident. You're going to act in accordance with the research of confidence. You, my friend, are willing to try. That's the secret. And it took me a long time to learn this secret for myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I'm going to tell you all about the old Mel Robbins before she knew this, when we come back. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and you and I are talking about building the skill of confidence by being willing to try. And so I want to go back and tell you a story about the old Mel Robbins. A lot of you have seen my TEDx talks.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
So I have one of the most popular and most viewed TEDx talks in the world. I think it's got almost 30 million views at this point. It's a TED Talk called How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over. And if you watch my 21-minute long TED Talk, you know what you're witnessing? You are witnessing a 21-minute long panic attack. That was the first official speech I had ever given in my entire life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I was terrified of public speaking. I've always been terrified of public speaking. And most people are terrified of public speaking. When I was in elementary school, middle school, high school, college, law school, whatever I got called on in class, bright red. Bright red. My mind would immediately go blank.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
The only job I got out of law school was working for legal aid as a public defender in New York City. And when I had to stand in court all day talking to a judge and a bailiff and police officers and the prosecutor, I was so afraid of speaking out loud as a new attorney. I would get these monster neck rashes all over my neck and chest.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You know, the kind of rashes that people get when they're nervous or they've had too much to drink or they get an allergic reaction to food. That was Mel Robbins, the early years. You know how I dealt with that neck rash and that fear? I would wrap a scarf around my neck or I'd wear a turtleneck as an attempt to try to hide it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
In fact, even when I became an on-air commentator for CNN, I was part of their legal team in terms of providing commentary for CNN. I did that for four years. Incredible experience. Never done that before. Why was I willing to do that, knowing that half the time my cheeks would turn bright red? Half the time I'd be worried that I might say something stupid. I'll tell you why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because I understand the skill of confidence. You build it by being willing to try. You have to start at zero. And nobody wants to start at zero. You want to step into this new role and think that you have it all figured out. Well, guess what? You don't. because you've never done this before.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
But if you're willing to try, if you're willing to make mistakes, if you're willing to understand that by showing up every day and trying and trying and learning and failing and falling on your face and dusting yourself off and putting in the work, eventually the competency catches up. And what neuroscience says is what you're actually experiencing
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
when you can stand on a stage and you don't have a neck rash that looks like you just got stung by a bee and you're about to go into anaphylactic shock, when you can do that, you want to know why you can do that? It's because the number of times that you've tried have lowered the resistance in your own brain and body to doing it. And so it feels easier. It feels effortless.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited that you're here. I love this topic because I wasn't always this confident. I was super insecure. I was a bit of a liar. Just go right out there and say that. And confident people do not lie. Had a lot of swagger, a lot of bolstering. That's not confidence. Narcissism, not confidence.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's not that you, quote, feel more confident. It's that you've built up the competency so that you know how to do it without even thinking about it. By being willing to try, by taking the actions over and over, you removed the doubt. You removed the resistance. You built up knowledge and competency. Isn't that cool? This is so important. I want to give you another example.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
So I was on the way to the airport the other day and I had this great Uber driver and we got to talking because it was kind of a long way to the airport. And I hear all about her life and how she immigrated to the US when she was two and was in an orphanage and came here from Poland. And we get to talking about dreams. And this woman, let me tell you, she is a survivor. She is a fighter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
She could do anything she put her mind to. And I said, so what's your big dream? And she said, I... would love to have my own home. If I could buy my own home, a place to call mine, that would just be amazing. And I said, well, what's keeping you from working on it? She said, well, I just don't feel confident. I don't feel like I can do that. I doubt myself. I doubt that I have enough money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I said, I think you're making a big mistake. And she said, what do you mean? I said, well, you're sitting here talking about confidence as a feeling. What if I told you that confidence is an action? The definition of confidence is being willing to try, being willing to step towards something before you feel ready. The Uber went silent. You could almost hear the wheels in her head turning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And all of a sudden she goes, oh, That part you just said, confidence is an action. Confidence is being willing to try. I never thought about it that way. That's incredible. And I said, well, what did you just get? She said, well, I've been sitting around doubting myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I've been sitting around waiting to feel like it's going to be a certain time and that when I feel confident enough, then I'll start looking. Are you saying... that I just need to start looking now? Are you saying, Mel, that confidence means I'm willing to check this out? I said, yes. I said, if you were confident, if you felt ready, what are the actions you would be taking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
What would you be trying to do? She said, well, I'd be going to open houses. I'd be looking at houses online. I might even walk into a bank, but right now I'm so full of doubt, I think they'd laugh at me. So I won't even try it. I said, exactly. You have to take the action first. And the more actions you take, the more the feeling catches up, but it begins with the action.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I said, in fact, and I pulled out my phone and I typed into Google, how do you buy a house with no money down? Hundreds of thousands of videos popped up on YouTube. And I said to her, I said, look, most of these are going to be complete crap, but there will be one, two, three, four videos in there. that will give you the next right step.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And if you keep taking the next right step, you will be taking the actions to create the dream that you have for yourself. That's how you do it. It was so freaking cool. And if you look at me and you're like, my friend Mel, she's so successful. How did she get that way? It's the exact same thing. It's because I'm willing to try. I'm willing to start at zero.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I'm willing to keep showing up over and over and over again and trying and trying despite my doubt, despite my fire engine red cheeks, despite my flush neck. And over time, by doing exactly what I'm teaching you to do, I went from somebody who was terrified of public speaking to becoming one of the most talented, respected, and requested and booked public speakers in the entire world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And that's what's available to you today. Whether you wanna buy that first house and you've been doubting yourself, or you wanna get over your fear of public speaking, or there's something else that you believe confidence is gonna help you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
The other thing I want to talk about really quickly is I know that what you think you're up against, Heather, and if you're struggling with confidence, is that, oh, imposter syndrome. I got imposter syndrome. Because you haven't done this before. See, I see imposter syndrome as a really good thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because when you feel like an imposter in a role, that's just a fancy way of saying you're trying something new. And so starting today, if you're in the game of building confidence, everybody, you got to open your arms. You got to reach out for that imposter syndrome. Because if you don't have imposter syndrome, you're not doing anything uncomfortable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And if there's one thing I've learned in life after 54 years is that it's only by making yourself face things that are uncomfortable that that you're going to grow into the best version of yourself. If you always do the things that you're comfortable doing, you will never, ever, ever experience what might be possible because you're not pushing yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
True confidence is something you build from within. True confidence is a connection that you have to yourself and a belief in self. It's not about arrogance. And we're gonna unpack this today because absolutely anyone can build the skill of confidence. And I love teaching this. I love the science around it. I love the simple steps you can take. And so I'm gonna share all of that with you today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so I don't want you to fear imposter syndrome. I want you to see it as a good thing. Oh, I feel like an imposter. Great. I'm trying something new. This is confidence building. Here we go. And speaking of the myth that imposter syndrome is a bad thing. No, no, no, no, no. You're learning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When it comes to building confidence, you got to embrace that imposter syndrome because it means you're trying and you're learning and you're gaining competency. And we love that around here. I'm going to teach you three other myths about confidence. I'm going to use a question from a listener named Alex to help us unpack it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
But first, we're going to take a quick break for our sponsors because they helped me bring this toolkit to you at zero cost. And then we're going to be right back with Alex's question and those three myths about confidence. Welcome back, everybody. I'm Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And today we are talking confidence, the science, and most importantly, five tools that you need in your life to build the skill of confidence. And we're about to jump into three myths related to confidence with a question from a listener named Alex.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Alex, great question. And this allows us to talk about myth number one about confidence. And that myth is that confident people are the loudest and most extroverted in the room. So first things first, Alex, stop beating yourself up. Because you're a little bit more introverted. And what I can tell based on your question is that you do want to be more visible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You do want to have a breakthrough in the skill of confidence because you do want to be somebody that's contributing your ideas. So I want to tell you the truth about confident people. Confident people are very often the quiet people in the room. There's a huge difference between confidence and bravado. You know, they're not the same thing. Confidence has nothing to do with swagger.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It has nothing to do with how much you talk or blab on and on in class. If you're truly confident You don't have to prove anything to anybody because you know that confidence is simply being willing to try. It's not about being extroverted or introverted. Confidence is not a personality trait. Confidence is a skill that you can build. And so I want you to also be honest with yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Go back to being selfish in this episode because you're talking about these high achievers and you're not naturally an extrovert. If you're selfish, Alex, how would the skill of confidence change the way you're showing up? Because if you answer, oh, I would talk more in class, Oh, I would advocate more for my ideas.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Oh, I would raise my hand and I would put my name in the ring for certain opportunities before stopping myself and thinking about it. Great, use the definition of confidence now to push yourself to try those things that you believe that more confidence would be having you do. That's how you're going to build competency in those things you're not doing now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Let me tell you the second myth about confidence. See, a lot of people believe that confidence is built when you're winning. Not true. Not true. The truth is that confidence is like steel. It's forged in the fire of your life. You don't create the skill of confidence when life is easy. Confidence, that reserve, that skill that you build, it's created in the moments that are hard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I also want to say, if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. And if somebody's shared this episode with you, do not take offense. Like, you know, don't be like, what, do they think I'm not confident? They think, what? We can all strengthen this skill.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Confidence requires you to try. It requires you to feel like an imposter. It requires you to start at zero. It requires you to do things that you've never done before. And if you're naturally more introverted, sometimes speaking in class can be as scary as skydiving. But that's okay because you can try and you can fail and your cheeks can turn bright red. And you know what?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You're not going to die. It's going to be okay. Because you're willing to try and learn. And that's what's at the heart of this skill. It's curiosity. It's leaning forward. It's trying. It's action. And here's the third myth about confidence. You know, I often hear people say, I lost my confidence. Nope, nope, you didn't. The truth is you cannot lose confidence.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
See, you're just blocked from the feeling of it because you stopped trying, which is the source of it. So let me give you an example. If you sit there and say, you know, oh, I must've lost some confidence along the way because now I'm around all these great achievers and they're always talking in class and I feel like a complete idiot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
No, no, you haven't lost anything because what's the definition of confidence? Confidence is the willingness to try. If you're around all these high achievers, it's because you belong there and it's because you're meant to grow. And that resistance and pressure that you feel internally, do not aim that at yourself as if something's wrong with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
There's no difference between the high achievers and you, Alex. The only difference is your willingness to try something that's a little scary, to show up, to be seen, to share your ideas. You know, there's this TED Talk that I absolutely love called Who Are You Really? And it's by Dr. Brian Little. He's a professor over in the UK.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And the entire 20-minute talk is all about the fact that he's profoundly introverted in his life. But because teaching matters to him, he has taught himself how to be profoundly extroverted when he's teaching a class. Now, it's wildly draining for him because he's an introvert, but I'm trying to tell you, you're not in a fixed place.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And confidence is a skill you can build if you're willing to try. And I can tell you are because it matters to you. Okay, I'm now gonna teach you the five simple tools that help you build this as a skill. Tool number one, take action. This is obvious, I understand. We have the definition of confidence. Confidence is the willingness to try.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And what it means if somebody shared this with you is that they really care about you and they care about your success and they want to see you stop torturing yourself and doubting yourself because they believe in you and it's time for you to believe in you. And that's what confidence is about. And we're going to unpack it today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You're not gonna change your life or build confidence by thinking about the things you need to do. You must take action. the number one tool for helping you take action in those moments where you feel imposter syndrome or you feel nervous or you're embarrassed or you start to doubt yourself or you feel anxious. Whatever the feeling is, screw the feeling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
We got to take action in those moments because remember, we're building confidence. It's going to require you to try. Just use my five-second rule. I told you the whole story about how I created it, the science behind it in the episode we released way back in the day called Motivation is Garbage. I'll link to that. But if you're brand new to the podcast, let me give you the shortcut.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When you're in a situation where you start to doubt yourself, You're just gonna count backwards, five, four, three, two, one, and then you physically move within five seconds. So here's how you can use it. Heather's talking about the fact that she wants to build confidence in this new role where she's been promoted.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
There are things that she needs to do as a new leader, but she doesn't have the competency yet. Instead of thinking about those things, she can use the five-second rule, five, four, three, two, one, to interrupt that self-doubt It will help you tap into your courage. That's it. That's all that it is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
For Alex, who is surrounded by all these high achievers, the next time she's sitting in a classroom and she has something that she wants to share, instead of shrinking in her seat, she's going to try. And the five-second rule is going to help. Five, four, three, two, one. And then she's gonna shoot that hand up in the air because you know what? Alex has something to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And even though she doesn't feel comfortable, even though her cheeks might go fire engine red, and even though she might stutter or stumble or have dry mouth or whatever might happen, five, four, three, two, one, she is willing to try. Because here's something I want you to understand. You can tap into courage before you start having that feeling of assuredness. Courage is what you tap into.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And one of the reasons why I wanted to do this today, because I've been thinking about, okay, what could I drop as an episode this weekend? that would really give you something to gnaw on, that would be really useful, that you could take into next week, that would make a big difference, not just like listen and entertain and pass the time, but what's worthy of spending your time on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Confidence is what you're building over time. I'm going to say that again. Courage comes first. Courage, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You start counting backwards, man, that is an act of courage because you're going for it. Courage comes first. confidence is what builds over time. How cool is that, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I absolutely love this because what I'm ultimately teaching you, and this again relates to all the research, is that there's two types of people out there. There are people who think about what they want to do. And then there are people that find the courage to take action. And that's what I want for you. Because the fact is you have greatness inside you. And I want you to start tapping into it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's only through action that you unlock that power inside you and you become the person that you're meant to be. I mean, that's how I created the life that I have now. If I didn't learn how to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, push myself to try, I'd still be sleeping in a bed, staring at the ceiling, consumed with anxiety, feeling like I had ruined my life. That's how you change your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You have to take action over and over and over again. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, stop thinking and start taking some risks. Start trying. Put a bet on yourself. Let's freaking go. Now let's do rule number two. Rule number two is if you just tremble in your boots when you think about doing the things that you'd love to do, let's get selfish. What is it that more confidence would have you be doing differently?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When you think about those things, speaking up at work, Launching your business, tackling your health issues, putting your online dating profile up and getting yourself back out there because you're ready and you're ready to have some fun again. When you start thinking about how confidence would change your life, I guarantee you, you're still going to feel a little nervous.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
So here's a second tool that's going to help you try. You can use the power of objectivity. Create an alter ego. This can be fun, you know? We don't have to like white knuckle this confidence thing. Let's have some fun with it because there's a study out of Johns Hopkins that I love. And it's about letting go of self-doubt. And the study suggests that when you use an alter ego...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
or you create a vision of the future you, the person you want to become, it gives you distance from the scaredy cat you who's never done this thing before. You know what I always ask myself? I go, well, what would The Rock do in this situation? I just love Dwayne Johnson, The Rock. I constantly use him when it comes to confidence. What would The Rock do in this moment?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I always get an answer and it feels less personal. You can use the rock. You can use me. What would Mel do if you're feeling unsure and you want to tap into the confidence that you kind of pick up on for me? And this also taps into behavioral activation therapy. Decades of research show that when you start acting like the person you want to become in the future now,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
in your present life, it's one of the fastest ways for you to change your mindset, for you to create new habits. Why? Because when you start acting like the person you want to become, you start acting like that person today, what are you doing? You're trying. You're trying to act like the future you would act. So let's go back to our first question, Heather.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Maybe you see them and they're talking on stage or presenting something or maybe it's a friend of yours and they just seem to make one bold decision after another. Nothing bothers them. Somebody criticizes them, rolls off their back. Maybe they jump out of a job and then they're starting a business. And you know what? I want to tell you something. These people, they are not special.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When she acts like the Heather two years from now, who's now gotten another promotion because she just slayed it in this role. The Heather today is trying to be the Heather she wants to become. Isn't that cool? Alex sitting in the classroom, surrounded by all these high achievers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And this is a topic that is worth your time. And so let's just cut to the chase. And I'm gonna be super clear about this. Confidence is not something you're born with. It is not some magic trait that only a lucky few people have. Confidence is a skill. And just like any other skill, you can learn it, you can practice it, and you can master it. And it doesn't matter where you're starting from.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When she acts like the Alex she wants to be two years from now, who's earned her doctorate, who is able to express her ideas. When she acts like that version of herself, she's trying. How cool is this? It all just ladders right back to the research. That's why you can trust what I'm telling you. Another tool that you can use to build the skill of confidence is prepare.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because the more that you practice something, the more you're trying and the more competent you're going to be. So if you are nervous and you can't shake the nerves, double down on preparing. That's right, do rehearsals, run through it. Why? Because every time you rehearse something, you're trying it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And it gives your mind and your nervous system the ability to lower the stress because your mind and your nervous system have prepared so you know what's coming. See, practice doesn't make perfect. Practice prepares you. And what's one other thing about practice? What's the first thing that you learned about confidence? Again, I come back to the definition. It's the willingness to try.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
That's how you put the definition into life by practicing, preparing for something, practicing something over and over and over. Whether you're, you know, like the Williams sisters who literally stood there and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls before they were even allowed to enter a tournament. What were they doing? They're building the skill of confidence.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You want to be confident? Prove it by preparing. I use this all the time. I laugh like, you know, you see me get in front of a YouTube camera or you see me walk onto a stage or you listen to one of my audio books. You're like, how do you do that? I've prepared. I mean, just think back into your own life. Think about those moments in high school or college where you weren't prepared for the test.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
How nervous were you? You were shaking in your boots. You couldn't even concentrate. You knew walking into the test that you were screwed. Now think about a moment when you actually studied, which is just you practicing. You feel calmer, more assured. Why? Because you were willing to try by sitting in the stacks in the library instead of going out. And that's what I'm talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
This is something you build. Let me tell you about tool number four. I love this. This is a mindset reframe. Because you got the five-second rule. You've got the power of objectivity. What would Mel or The Rock do? You've got preparation. And now let me give you a mindset trick. I love this. I tell myself all the time why it's worth trying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Why is it worth trying something if I'm only going to fail? Why is it worth going for it if I can't make my dreams come true? I'll tell you why. Because everything that you do in life is preparing you for something that hasn't happened yet. What did I tell you about confidence? Confidence is not something you build when you're winning
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I think oftentimes when we're winning, what gets built is arrogance and bravado. And we forget what went into winning at something in the first place. True confidence, the skill of confidence, it's forged in fire. I mean, I've failed more times than I have time to tell you. You guys know that a decade ago, talk about failure, 800 grand in debt, unemployed, drinking my way through my problems.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And all of that heartbreak and headache and breakdown in my life, which was horrendous to go through, it led me to the five second rule. If there was no debt, there was no drinking, there was no heartache, there would be no five second rule. When I was a talk show host, here I was taping a talk show at CBS Broadcast Center here in New York City.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It was a dream of mine to be able to have a daytime talk show. It gets canceled. It was leading me somewhere. Where? To this podcast, which is my most favorite thing that I've ever done in my career. I choose not to stay in a place of self-doubt. I choose not to wallow in failure because I know that life is always preparing you for something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I know that your greatest failures, your biggest heartbreaks, they always teach you the most important lessons in life. You know, and I keep getting questions from you guys. Mel, oh my God, you're so confident. Like you keep reinventing yourself. You keep trying new things like this podcast. What is it inside you, Mel?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
What is it inside me that makes me take all these risks, that makes me constantly try new things, that makes me willing to fail, to do something embarrassing or even disastrous? I'll tell you what it is. I want to get as much out of this life as I possibly can. And if you look at the math, I'm halfway through it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It doesn't matter if you feel stuck right now or you're unsure. It doesn't matter, by the way, if you think you're confident. Because even if you think you're confident,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And it scares me to think that I could be on my deathbed and look back on my life and say, I wish I had had the confidence to try that. I do not want to die and have regrets. And so while I'm here, while I'm breathing, while I'm able to, I am going to follow my curiosity. I am going to follow my heart. I am going to try new things. I am going to do absolutely everything that I can do to grow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
to feel, to learn. And that's going to require me to take risks. That's going to require me to fuck up things. That's going to require me to look stupid. And I'm willing to do that because I know on the other side of the biggest heartbreaks of your life are the most amazing heart-filled moments.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I know that in the middle of every failure that I experience, and boy, I experience them oftentimes of my own doing, every single failure has, honest to God, equipped me with the lessons and the skill or the wisdom that I needed to to be able to do something even cooler down the line. And I can prove it to you. Just look back on one of the scariest moments of your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
One of the biggest things that you just blew. I bet you can tell me that that horrible thing that happened, that really hard thing that in the moment you were like, why is this happening to me? That right now, no matter what your life looks like, you can sit here and you know exactly what you learned from it. You know that you would not be the person you are today
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
there is a level that's deeper that you can access that is that quiet steely oh my god you kind of scare people confidence that's when you really start to master when there's like a peace in the amount of power and connection you have with yourself and faith that you have in yourself
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
had it not been for that thing that you experience, that you survive, that you learn from. And so what drives me is just wanting to experience as much as I can from this one life that I have. And it's not all gonna be a joy ride. And so I'm willing to take the risk. I'm willing to try. I'm willing to look stupid. And I'm willing to do it because I think the payoff that you get, it's worth it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's so worth it. So this moment is preparing me for something that hasn't happened yet. And that reframe, what it does is it helps me put failure and heartbreak and all the hard shit in life into a box. that is something that stays by my side as I move forward instead of a wall or a block or an obstacle that stops me from continuing to move forward. Because that's how you move forward.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You continue to try. And the final tool when it comes to building the skill of confidence is you have to focus on you because nobody's coming. Like nobody's going to try for you. Nobody is going to be there to motivate you to try. Nobody's going to be there to give you the pep talk. I'm here twice a week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It really is my mission that our relationship through this podcast is one where you feel empowered and encouraged and you're reminded of who you are, that this is like a little reset, a pep talk, that you get the tools and the encouragement and the high five that you need. But ultimately, it's up to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And you got to learn how to stop looking at the world around you and what everybody and their mother is doing. And you got to look right back in the mirror because you are the one person that you're going to spend your whole life with. And it's time that you start to focus on that person and getting into a better relationship with that person called you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And that brings me to a question from one of our listeners named Sky.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Oh, Skye. I love how you ended that question. Everybody be kind to yourself. Let's take that because it's true, Skye. So first things, I just want to say, Skye, really proud of you. I'm really proud of you for having the self-awareness to realize that your own habits around social media were... impacting you negatively. You did something about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And you also notice that taking positive action based on your self-awareness, I bet it started to build a little bit of confidence back, right? Right? Absolutely. So I want to say something about social media, everybody. Social media is not good or bad. I'm going to say it again. Social media is not good or bad. I think how we use it is terrible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Most of us are complete idiots when it comes to social media because we give our number one commodity mindlessly away. What is our number one commodity? Our attention. When's the last time you've curated intentionally based on your goals and your dreams? When is the last time that you curated the accounts that you follow?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so I don't care how you're showing up right now, whether life has knocked you down or you're listening because you've got a monster of a game to play. And you know your friend Mel Robbins. I am a competitive MF-er when it comes to business. I do not screw around. I am very intentional. You do not want to be on the other side of a business negotiation with me because you will lose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you want to have a massive breakthrough in happiness, in confidence, in your goals, in your mindset, in your mental health, let me tell you something. Delete every account that you follow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Write out what your goals are, how you wanna feel, and then curate a list of accounts that you follow based on their alignment with the way that you wanna feel and the things that you want to accomplish in your life. I say that most of us are complete idiots about social media because we follow stuff and we give our attention to content that makes us feel like crap.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so you're doing that to yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you were to delete all the accounts, the celebrities, the mindless crap, the memes, the supermodels that are crazy thin, that make you feel like shit about yourself, the people that are driving Lambos that make you think that you're a loser, the only thing you'd be missing out if you delete all of those is the self-doubt, the self-sabotage, the self-criticism, and the loser mentality that that shit creates in your mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
A lot of times what happens when it comes to confidence...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
is that the stuff that you're allowing into your brain is decreasing your willingness to try because it's making you feel like you're a loser compared to everything that you see, which by the way is fake, and that you feel bad at the end of the day because you blew three hours mindlessly looking at crap when you got big dreams and goals to fulfill for yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You think Beyonce, who has now won more Grammys than anybody else on the planet, you think she wastes three hours a day on social media? I don't think so. Do you think the accounts that she follows are for her goals and her dreams and for her mental health and confidence or against them? Just ask yourself that. And so number one, you got to focus on you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And that means getting serious about what you let into your mind. And so takeaway now, like delete who you follow. If I make you feel bad, do not follow me on social media. Don't do it. Only follow people and accounts and content that help you, that inspire you, that lift you up, that entertain you, that make you feel good. You're giving them your attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
They're making money off your attention. Please take it seriously. And here's one more thing. Think about what you put out. Does what you post create self-doubt? Or are you willing to try using social media in a way where you can be yourself? Where you don't need the filter. You don't need the perfect photo.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You don't need to worry about getting the right thing up so that people saw that you were at the party and the right look and the this, that, and the other. And you were so worried about it. You're in the bathroom posting and you don't even enjoy the party. Are you willing to just be you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
That is how confident I am. And so this is a skill I am constantly working on. So if you're looking to level up your game or make more money, you, my friend, are in the right place. Because you do those things not by bluster. You do those things by building steely confidence and faith and belief in yourself. That's how you do it. So here's what we're going to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because so much of the self-doubt that we all feel is because we spend so much of our time and energy and attention focusing on things that don't matter. And so I'm not surprised, Sky, that getting off social media helped because you realized the input was making you doubt yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You realized that you were wasting time and you realized that there was some crazy power that came back to you when you were willing to try a different way. And so again, I don't think that social media is good or bad. I think how we use it is terrible and you can use it for good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I just explained that if you are willing to try and get very serious about your goals and how you want to feel, social media can be a huge, huge additive in helping you achieve those things because you'll see examples of people that are also trying. You'll see The Rock or other people that inspire you, that will inspire you to try bigger things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You'll see positive accounts that remind you that yes, you are bigger than this moment, that this moment is leading you somewhere and you have within you not only the willingness to try, but you have the willingness to face absolutely anything in your life and you have the ability to take action, which is what changes everything. Confidence is your birthright. It is a skill that you build.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It is a habit that you keep. It does for all of us. And you are going to fall. You are going to fail. You are going to have dark moments. You are going to feel lost.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And what I want you to know is if you are willing to get up every single day and dust yourself off and learn the lesson and tell yourself that every day you're getting a little bit better and you are the kind of person that knows that eventually this is leading you where you meant to go and you're just gonna get up and you're gonna try again and you're gonna do that thing, you, my friend,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
are not only going to be practicing and building confidence, you are going to feel it too. In case nobody else tells you, I'm going to tell you that I love you. I believe in you and I believe in your ability to try the things that scare it out of you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I believe in your ability to tap into the power inside you and this one extraordinary, ordinary life that you have and make it everything that you want it to be because you deserve that. All right. I love you. I'll talk to you in a few days.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Here we go. Okay. Here we go. Oh, are you ready? Okay. Let's have some fun. And it's like, Oh, like I, hold on a second. It's like, and that's what we're going to talk about next. Wait, what is it? Yeah. Okay. Gotcha. Wait, hold on. Oh, gotcha. Okay. I got, sorry. And the, and the, hold on a second. Okay. Fabulous. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
In today's conversation, I'm just gonna break it all down for you using questions from listeners around the world. And we're gonna go through the exact steps that can take you from feeling uncertain or stuck or insecure or beating yourself up or questioning or all of the BS that a lack of confidence creates in your life
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
to starting to build this skill so you can tap into it and start taking risks and start believing in yourself. Start taking different actions. Start speaking up for yourself. Start making more money. Start swinging for bigger clients. How about the confidence to leave the relationship that you know isn't right for you? How about them apples? I mean, that would be pretty cool. Don't you think?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
How about the confidence to have some boundaries? How about the confidence to not take people's crap as much as you do? That'd be pretty awesome. I know it would be. So how about we dig into this? And one more thing. If you're sitting here listening to this today and you're like, God, I'd like to ask Mel a question. Great. Let's take the first step. MelRobbins.com slash podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Get in there and let's go. And speaking of going, it's time for us to get going on this masterclass. And here's how I want to start it. I want to start it by giving some credit to one of your fellow listeners. Her name is Heather, and she is the one who submitted this question. And it inspired me to have this conversation with you today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Heather, I absolutely love that you asked this question. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love the topic of confidence. The very confident Mel Robbins that you see right now is not the woman I used to be. And I have spent years researching this topic. and also teaching it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so everything that I am going to share with you today is grounded in decades of research, the latest studies, and it all comes from a big body of work that I've published. One of the most popular courses on LinkedIn is called The Science of Confidence, and your friend Mel Robbins created it and teaches it for LinkedIn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Confidence isn't just something that some people are born with. It is built over time. And look, I know that I probably am one of the most confident people that you have in your life. I didn't start out this way. I may have had some swagger, but it was a bunch of BS. There's a difference between being like loud on the outside and true grounded confidence on the inside.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
There's a lot that I have to share about this that I can't wait for you to learn. So Heather, and you listening, When you have more confidence, you get paid more, you will have a better job, you will be more admired by people, you will be listened to with more intention, you'll have greater influence. And confidence is a topic and a skill that I want absolutely everybody to learn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because based on the research, confidence is for all of us. Anybody can learn the five simple tools that are grounded in the research in order to build greater confidence, in order to break through self-doubt. The more that you build confidence in your life, the greater the ability to say no and not even be bothered by what other people are going to feel. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because you realize you would rather be respected than be liked. And see, this need to be liked or to look good is part of the reason why you doubt yourself all the time. I want you to bring that power back internally. That's what the skill of confidence does. So I think it kind of begs the question, if confidence is something that we all want, why is it so hard to master? I'll tell you why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because when it comes to the research around confidence, it is some of the most dry, boring, boring. No offense to the confidence researchers and writers out there. But I'm talking if you have trouble sleeping, just print out a study about confidence. That'll put you into deep REM sleep. It's also confusing. And even Google isn't much of a help on this topic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you search how to be confident, you know what the top results, one of them says, be true to you. What the hell does that even mean? Be true to you. And honestly, be true to you. That is not what the research says.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
The problem and why it's hard for people to develop the skill of confidence is the research has not been boiled down into tactical information that you can apply to your day-to-day life. And that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in. So here's your first assignment on today's podcast, because you know we're not just listening here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
This is a doing podcast, and we're going to make this tactical and relevant immediately. Assignment number one, I want you to listen a particular way. I want you to listen and think what's in it for me. And so let me ask you a question. If you had more confidence, like I could go and boom, you have more confidence than you've ever had in your entire life. How would your life be different?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
How would your future be different? Now, Heather has already shared that she has this awesome promotion, which she clearly earned. I mean, businesses don't just give those out as charity. If a business has promoted or hired you, they believe in your ability to execute. But now she's freaking out. Now, when you think about confidence, how would more confidence help Heather's life be different?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Well, confidence would allow Heather to step into that role, right? And she would be able to lose the self-doubt and the imposter syndrome and the panicking. And she'd be able to act like the leader that the organization promoted her to be, right? Without all the like nervousness and crap going on in her head. What about you? Let's get selfish.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
What would more confidence allow you to do that you're not currently doing? Would you be able to say no? Would you be better with boundaries? Are there more risks you would take? Is there a conversation you've been avoiding with yourself or someone else? Would you be able to stand up for yourself, advocate more for yourself, ask for what you need? What about work? Would you be more visible?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Would you speak up more? All of that that you just envisioned, it's all within your reach. And so let's talk about something that Heather said. Heather said in her question that she doesn't quote, feel confident in the new role. I don't feel confident. And so I want to start by giving you a definition of confidence that will change your ability to build it as a skill.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
This definition of confidence I have been sharing for years, and I think I created it based on the research because I haven't really seen it out there before. And this definition is going to surprise you because it's a definition of confidence that puts the research into action. See, here's the mistake that everybody makes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this is because I have been seeing so many questions come in from listeners around the world about confidence. How do you gain it? How do you keep it? How do you build it back when life knocks you down? And the fact is, confidence is a skill. It's a skill that you can learn. It's a skill that you can build.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Heather made the mistake because she said that I don't, quote, feel confident. And I bet you're making this mistake with confidence too. Based on the research, that's where we get it wrong. Confidence is not a feeling. Confidence is embodied in action. My definition of confidence is confidence is the willingness to try. I'm going to say it again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Your new definition of confidence embodied by the research, confidence is the willingness to try. Confidence is an action. That's what it is. And this phenomenon has been heavily researched by social psychologists. See, there's this positive feedback loop that happens when you're willing to try something before you feel ready.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When you're willing to step into that leadership role and put yourself out there and take risks and make mistakes and shove that self-doubt to the side. When you're willing to try something neuroscience research says that you create something called a confidence-competence loop. And let me explain this to you because there's a lot of common sense here, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Every single time you try something new, you're either going to be really good at it or you're going to be terrible at it, right? But you always learn something. but you have to try. So Heather is going to step into this new role. She's trying out a new role. She's either going to be really good at it or she's going to be miserable at it. But here's the thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you try something for the first time, You're either going to fail or succeed, but you always learn something. And that's where this confidence, competence loop and the neuroscience research comes in. Because even when you try, when you learn a little something, you gain a little competency, right? So the second time, because of everything that you learned the first time around,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
it gets a little bit easier. It gets a little bit better, but it all begins with being willing to try no matter where you're starting from. Because if you are the kind of person that's always willing to try, you will always grow and you will always learn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And the more that you try and the more that you learn, the less you doubt yourself, the less resistance that you have and bada bing, bada boom, all of a sudden you feel confident in this new role. All of a sudden you feel confident doing a backflip off a boat because you tried a thousand times and your belly flopped and you embarrassed yourself and you got a wedgie. And then what do you know?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because you were willing to keep trying, all of that competency gained of trying over and over and over and over again. It's how you gained mastery. Feeling confident is kind of, it's almost like the wrong way to say it because that's what you feel after you've done it over and over and over again. But true confidence begins the moment you're willing to try, okay?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so I really think it's important. I can give you another example. The first time somebody handed me chopsticks, I had no idea how to use them. Was I nervous about... picking them up and I couldn't get like my fingers to twist in the way that you're supposed to. And it was super embarrassed and they kept like flipping across the table. And here's the thing, I didn't know how to use them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
But isn't it common sense that there's no way I was going to learn how to use them if I wasn't willing to try? See, being confident and the skill of confidence is the difference between saying, sure, hand me the chopsticks. I'd love to try. I'm willing to look like an idiot. I'm willing to be a beginner first versus going, can you get me a fork? I don't know how to use those.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's a skill that you need and deserve in your life. And once you understand the simple science and research about how you build the skill of confidence, you got it. You can tap into it anytime, anywhere, any way that you want when you want it to show up in your life. And today I'm taking your questions and I'm going to teach you the science of confidence so you can learn the skill. Let's go.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Do you see the difference? The skill begins with being willing to try. You gotta remember what you're seeing is a person on the Today Show who has been working hard for 10 years, trying over and over and over and over and learning and failing. That's what you're witnessing. You're witnessing competency, but the skill is something different. The skill of confidence is trying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. If you've ever regretted the choices that you've made, or you just have this feeling that you're meant for so much more than where you are right now, that there's some greater purpose that's just uniquely meant for you, but you just don't know what it is, well, I have good news.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
It's your community. It's your friends.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And then you start to tell yourself the story. I got no other options.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Blech!
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well, I want to highlight something because I believe that the only thing that it takes to turn your life around is the decision that the way you're doing life isn't working anymore. And that's what you just described. And I think so many people... I've come to believe, and I'd be curious to hear what you think about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I've come to believe that the single biggest obstacle that actually stands in people's way. And yes, there are big factors around poverty and money and racism and bias and all this stuff. But the biggest obstacle is actually discouragement and despair. the sense that there's nothing you can do. That's right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And I love your story and I love what you stand for because you, time and time and time again, have made a decision. How I'm doing things no longer works for me and I don't give a shit what other people are going to think about it. I'm going to figure this out. And I don't even have to know how I'm going to change my life or what it's going to look like.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I just know I'm not doing it like this anymore. And so you make the decision, you work a bazillion jobs. How the heck do you get into radio? Because I think the other thing that happens for people, and it's probably, I can feel so many people sending this episode to their adult kids. Listen to this man.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Nothing could be more worthy of your time than listening to this, which is why I am absolutely thrilled that you're here. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am ecstatic that you are here with me right now. You know, it's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together, but today, today you are in for something truly special.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
How did you go from no experience, a bazillion odd jobs, having been arrested to actually making a break in radio and in the business?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well, you not only got the bug, you dominate on radio. And I want to read to you some of your words from your book, Shook One, which is an incredible book. And there was one passage in particular that I wanted to read to you because we were kind of like talking about this theme of the power of making one decision. Like my life is not working the way that I want it to work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
It doesn't feel the way I want it to feel. And you had this second huge epiphany because you had become known as like this shock jock. And you were like saying all kinds of crazy stuff about people. And that was kind of the way that people knew you. And you had this epiphany that this is not who you want to be anymore.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And so I want to read to you this from page 245 of your bestselling book, Shook One. For many years, I was edgy and risky with my words on my mic. I pushed the envelope on topics like sex. People would listen to me and say, man, Charlamagne is wild. There's a reason Rolling Stone called me the hip hop Howard Stern. Today, I have a much different mind state.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
While I'm always going to be authentic with my life's experiences, I'm embarrassed by things that I've said in the past. There are moments when I just want it all wiped from the internet. I cringe thinking about my daughter watching some of my old clips, but I can't surrender to those fears. I've come to accept that I can't be a prisoner of my past.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Because the truth is, largely with the help of therapy, I've evolved a great deal over the past few years. I'm not the same thoughtless instigator I used to be. I'd love to have you share about the decision to make a huge risk in your career because you gained so much fame and influence by going about things a certain way. And then you made a decision. I don't want to do this anymore.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
What happened and how have you changed?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And if you're a new listener, I also just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so thrilled that you're here. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
How the hell do you do that? I mean, come on now. You have to. How do you do it? Because every single one of us, the person that is listening right now, can look back at a moment in time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And you just cringe. You want to erase that person. We beat ourselves up over it. How the hell did you get to a point where you could love every version of yourself?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I know that you're the type of person who not only values your time, but you also want to use the time that you have in this life to create a life that is driven by purpose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
You do? Like, tell me what's like, how do you do that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
One of the most beautiful things that you have said so far, and you've said a lot of things that are very beautiful and empowering and important, but I really want to make sure that the person listening takes this and applies it. You literally just said, you've got to give yourself grace. Why on earth would you punish yourself now for things you didn't know back then?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And if you're listening to this conversation today because somebody sent this episode to you, that is so cool because you have people in your life that care about you and they not only care about you, they see a bigger possibility for your life, which is why they recommended that you listen to this episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
What a beautiful gift you can give to yourself. And I also love how I'm starting to kind of read between the lines that you're also extending it to other people in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
That we need to be able to extend that grace to people in our lives and stop punishing them now for the things that they didn't know back then. You know, I'm curious, as you sort of like have this like transformation in your mind that is both business, I see that there's a ceiling to this shtick. And also as a person, I just don't want to operate like this anymore.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
When you started to transform yourself on air, did you have any anxiety at all about how the dedicated, huge hip hop audience fan base that you had built would be receiving you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So thank you for trusting them because it shows that you see bigger possibilities for your life too. And so does the person that you're about to meet, Charlemagne the God. Charlamagne hopped on a plane this morning after co-hosting one of the biggest radio shows on the planet. It's called The Breakfast Club.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well, you wrote about that realization in your latest book. And I want to go back, though, to what you said, because you were talking about how it was 2018. People talk openly now about anxiety and depression, and you have done extraordinary work in terms of destigmatizing those topics.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And one of the things that I'm curious about is how the hell did you even know that you were having anxiety or struggling with depression? Because you're right. It was not talked about openly. Like you wouldn't be caught dead walking into a self-help aisle. And most people didn't even understand the signs of anxiety or depression.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So how the hell, like in 2007, 2016, did you realize that this is something you were dealing with?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And just to understand how influential his perspective and his voice is, 4 million people listen every single week to The Breakfast Club. To put this like in a visual sense, 4 million people, that's 50 Super Bowl stadiums where every single seat is full and everyone is tuned in listening every single week. And that's just the people listening to the radio.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
There's another 6 million more people that follow the show on YouTube. And that's not all that Charlemagne does. He's been inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame. He is a three-time New York Times bestselling author, an Emmy award-winning executive producer. He's also the co-founder of the Black Effect Podcast Network, one of the most successful podcast networks in the world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
where he has produced 47 shows that have won all the biggest awards that are available to shows in podcasting. He's also the founder of a publishing imprint, Black Privilege Publishing, in partnership with Simon & Schuster, which has released 12 books and already released bestsellers, including his latest, Get Honest or Die Lying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
He's hosted several award-winning television programs, and he is also the founder of the Mental Wealth Alliance, which focuses on advocating for mental health. And to top it all off, he's also an ambassador for the food bank in New York City. But his life wasn't always this way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I have this thing where I feel like you can stand in this moment and you can look backwards and time travel and go, okay, I may not like what I see. Mm-hmm. I may not have deserved that. It may have been very painful, but I can actually in this moment look backwards and see how everything led me uniquely here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
You have press play on the exact conversation you need to hear right now. I just walked out of our studios here in Boston. I am so moved, like moved to the core by what our guest today is about to share with you. I feel so inspired right now, so energized. And by the time you're done listening to this, you will as well. You're about to hear a story of redemption, reinvention, forgiveness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I think it's an incredible skill and what you're accessing when you are practicing gratitude in the way that you're recommending is you're actually teaching people how to stand in this moment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And in the gratitude of thank you, even though I don't know where this is leading, you're actually practicing faith because you're saying, I'm grateful because I know it's leading me somewhere that I can't yet see that is meant for me. And I won't get there without this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Meaning what about other people?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And you're about to hear the extraordinary story, the twists, the turns, the lessons learned, the regrets, and the mistakes that he's made. And look, you can always learn from your own mistakes. But today, you have the honor of getting to learn from his. So, Charlamagne, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so thrilled that you're here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And that is data. about who this person is and where they are. And so I can see that clearly when I say, let them say these things. Let them be ungrateful. Let them be so insecure about their own power and success and capability that they're actually threatened by my generosity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Let them be so concerned about what everybody else thinks of them that they need to distance themselves from me because they are clearly insecure about their own power and skill. And so they're trying to manage what other people think.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Yeah, of course. So when somebody, I used to be this person. Like I used to be a person who believed that there was a limited amount of success to go around. I used to believe that if Charlemagne were just dominating on radio, there was no room for me because you've already done it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And so if you would extend a hand, at first I would be grateful because I would feel seen by somebody that I really respect and I would feel supported. But as I start to build something, I would then have to confront The fact that I'm only in a certain place and now I make a mistake.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And instead of seeing you, Charlemagne, as somebody who's leading the way, somebody who is there as inspiration, somebody that provides a formula, somebody that provides celebration and support and cheerleading and advocacy for you. I make a major mistake because I have a very small mind and I think there's only so much to go around.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So now I start to see you, the very person that led the way and that cheered for me and that supported me as a person that I'm now against because I now want what you have. And I don't actually see that the world is abundant when it comes to success and money and friendship and love and all and peace and healing. These things are in limitless supply.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And the only person that can take something that's meant for you is you. It's so sad that when people look at the game of life, what happens is everybody is dealt a hand. And some hands suck and some hands are better. That's just how life is. It's not fair. But you don't win the game of cards by staring at the hand that somebody else is holding.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
You win the game of cards by staring at your own hand and figuring out how to play them and how to be a better player. And how do you do that in life? You learn from other people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Because you and I, and you and your friends, you're never playing against each other. You're only always playing with them. And if you are dealing with people in your life that reveal to you, after you have supported them, after you have shown up for them, that they are actually just transactional, that's because of their insecurity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I am a huge fan of yours.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
That's why. And it hurts because you see the potential in other people. And so you give and give and give because that's one of your core values to be of service. But then when somebody starts to turn against you or all of a sudden is antagonistic toward you, it just feels weird.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I'm basically saying let them be on their own journey. Let them be very scarce in their mindset. Let them not understand the way that the world works. Let them not understand me and let me give this a little space. so that I can give them the grace and dignity of their own experience, but I'm not wasting time and energy managing this person anymore.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Oh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Just don't expect them to become a church lady.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Yes, they might be. They may.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And here, this is where the power comes. I want to give you this. So the let them theory, the first part is let them, because that's where you actually recognize you can't control what another person is going to do with the support that you give. You cannot control that, right? Your control is never in what other people are doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And we waste all our time and energy worrying about what people think and say and do and how they act. And we have expectations and we have to learn to just let other adults control. Be who they are and be who they're not. And what these people in your life are showing you is they are not abundant people. They are not secure.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And so when you lift somebody up and you've already talked about this, if they have not done the internal work, you can lift them up on the outside, but you're still dragging up the devil inside them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And so we tend to attack the very thing that could actually help us. And as you're lifting up somebody to a different level and they have not done the internal work to be at that level, they will literally turn against the person that lifted them up. It's because of insecurity. And so you've got to let them reveal who they are at their core and how they're going to react to your generosity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Then you go to the let me part. Let me remind myself, I actually always have control because I get to choose how much time and energy I put into this relationship moving forward. And your power is in your values. You give because you're a generous person. You give because you believe in lifting people up. You give because you believe God is in all things and you are grateful for all things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So that is how you show up. That will never change. But people will reveal that they are not in that same energy space as you. And then that's just data. Let them. So you can better protect your time and energy. But don't stop giving.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Just not to them. Absolutely. Is that helpful?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's all that it is. It's actually, you know how you talk about gratitude. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Thank you for revealing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
How you actually feel because now I can protect my time and energy. I am so thrilled that you're here. I know as you're listening to Charlemagne, you're thrilled that he's here too. I want to hit the pause so we can give our sponsors a chance to share a few words. And while you're listening, share this with people that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And don't go anywhere because Charlemagne and I, we're just getting started and we're going to be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are hanging out with Charlemagne the God. We're talking about purpose. We're talking about redemption, reinvention, forgiveness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
There are so many things that you're here to teach us, Charlemagne, based on the mistakes and the regrets that you've made. And one of the things that I wanted to ask you about is this. So in your book, Get Honest or Die Lying, you talk about how much you hate small talk. Why do you hate small talk?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Waste of time. Waste of time. You know, you write and get honest or die lying. This is chapter 28, true intentions. One of the best ways to avoid making small talk on any level is to focus on your IG. No, not your Instagram. The IG I'm discussing stands for intention and goals. Can you break that down for me? What is intention and goals?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well, we are destined to be together today together. And I'm going to come see you in April on your show. And so this is the beginning of a lot of amazing things that we're going to do. And Here's how I'd like to start.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
How on earth do you deal with the criticism that you get on social media?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Could you tell the person who is listening right now that's spending time together with us what they might expect to be different about their life or the life of somebody that they care about based on everything that you're about to share with us today about your life, lessons learned, the incredible things that you sell and you talk about in your bestselling books.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
God, you're a genius.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Talk to me about your morning routine, because you seem to have really locked in the things that you do. in order to keep your mental health and your focus intact, to keep yourself in peace, to keep you connected to God and gratitude. How do you start your day? Will you walk me through it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
How has having daughters changed you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
What could change about their life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
No, what does that mean? Because I used to complain about my kids this way, too. Okay. A parenting expert therapist told me that that actually is a sign.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
That they feel safe with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Because they've been holding it together at school.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And, you know, I really want to acknowledge you and your wife for something. And like, it's just, I think it's so beautiful. You know, you started by talking about choices and we've talked a lot about the power of a decision, right? And you talked in the very beginning of this about how your dad parented out of fear.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
The choice that you have made to do work on your inner self and to learn how to extend yourself the grace that we all deserve. And to also learn how to show up and do better in that simple story of your daughter reflecting back to you the things that you have shared with us today. Dad, this is your first time doing this too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well, I'm going to tell you something. I am a huge fan of yours. I have devoured your books. I listen to you. Thank you. There is not a doubt in my mind. that by the time our conversation is done and you so generously share mistakes made, lessons learned, the tools that you use in order to transform your mind, to build this extraordinary career, the things that you've learned as a parent,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
She is actually evidence that all of the healing that you have done and all of the work that you and your wife have done have actually broken that pattern of parenting out of fear and have broken the way that trauma gets passed through families. And I just really wanted to acknowledge that because that is incredible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well, it's very clear you and your wife are giving them the tools to actually respond to anything that's happening, which is extraordinary. And I just want to make sure that you can you hear the acknowledgement and the work that you've done and the impact that it's having on the daughters that you're raising.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
You know, you talked about this earlier, but I want to read a passage from Get Honest or Die Lying. It turns out that my father had been dealing with severe depression and anxiety most of his life. He was going to therapy several times a week and was on multiple medications. At one point, things had gotten so bad that he had to check himself into a mental health rehab.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
He'd even wanted to kill himself, but hadn't because he didn't want to hurt his children. You know, you mentioned how you didn't know any of this growing up. How did learning about those struggles that your father had later in life change how you see your dad?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
about forgiveness, about regret, about peace, you cannot listen to this conversation I'm going to predict and not feel completely transformed. I would not have invited you to be here if I did not think that you were of service to a bigger mission and that Listening to you is one of the most worthy things that somebody could do with their time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
How do you think your relationship with your dad, especially before you even knew any of this, played into the experiences of having anxiety or being a people pleaser? Like, how did that impact you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
How your relationship with your father, particularly before you knew his struggles, played into the anxiety that you felt?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
What do you mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I would love to have you speak directly to the person that's with us right now that's listening or watching us. And you've had this breakthrough, so you know it's possible. But if you think back to those moments in your life and you've told us about a bunch of them where you're really struggling,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
What would you tell the person that feels like they don't feel worthy, they're struggling, they just, what do you want them to know about the strength within them, about how to think about this moment in their life so that they can get to that point where they feel what you feel?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Hmm.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I mean, what you just said is actually, it's the Holy Grail. It is. Everybody's like, I don't know what my purpose is. You just told us what your purpose is. Your purpose is to serve and to work on yourself, to be a better version of yourself. You actually give guidance on page 36 of Get Honest or Die Lying. I absolutely love this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Human beings that might have started out in one place, but have the potential to go somewhere else. I'd encourage you to look for that same potential in the people you meet and more importantly, in yourself. We are all works in progress.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
The more we can embrace that process and let go of the unnecessary judgment and the holier-than-thou attitudes, the quicker you'll be able to evolve into the best version of yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
What are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
it is just radiating off you. Like you can feel, like you were talking about laying on the ground and feeling the energy. You can feel the authenticity. of that energetic alignment in your soul when you say those words.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well, now it feels like we're in church, Charlemagne, and I could not be more thrilled to be here with you. But all of this wisdom that you're about to pour into us, it actually didn't come from all the success. It came from all the struggle. And even though you are one of the most influential voices in the world today, the person who's listening may be meeting you for the first time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Wow. We went to church today with Charlemagne. I'll tell you. That's it. Well, I hope you keep working because we're all benefiting from it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Oh, yeah. Well, thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
I can receive that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Let them. Oh, shit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Yeah. Well, because then you're going down with them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Yeah, you know, I had a really interesting conversation with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 's son, Martin, and his wife, Andrea, on their podcast, My Legacy. And as we were talking about it, he said, you know, Mel, this is my dad's teaching. Because choosing peace does not mean surrender. It's actually a sign of strength. That's right. And managing your response is power.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And when you surrender your peace and your love to hatred, then you actually lose your power. Thank you. Thank you Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So what would you like them to know about you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
You're going to learn how to find your purpose and how to change the very essence of who you are. So if you feel weighed down by the mistakes you've made in the past, this conversation could set you free. Because one of the most potent, influential, and authoritative voices in the world today is here to help you change your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Well played. That's right. Well played. Talk to me about the name Charlemagne the God.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So how old are we talking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
You're a good marketer.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
But it also means, I've read in your work, that God is within you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And talk to me more about that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
He's a Radio Hall of Famer, co-host of The Breakfast Club, which is one of the most popular radio shows in the world, a three-time New York Times bestselling author, and an Emmy Award-winning executive producer. His name? Charlemagne, the God. Charlemagne is here to share things that he's never talked about before about the mistakes he's made and the lessons he's learned.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So I want you to talk to the person and speak to that, like, moment in your life where you are dealing drugs, you are using an alias because you don't want your parents to find out, which is, you know, smart thinking, you know, and believe as a spiritual person that God is always watching. And so you have the sense because you've already talked about choice.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
There must be this tension of you feeling like this isn't what I'm meant to do, but I'm making a choice to do this. Like, what do you want to say to the person? Because I think that's a very relatable thing in life where you have this sense of a greater purpose. but you are trapped where you are now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And you even see yourself, I think about moments in my life, whether it was drinking too much or drugs, or it was cheating on people that I was with or stealing or whatever the hell it may have been. Things that I knew in the moment were choices that I was making. And I felt like I had no other choice, but I still, do you know what I mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
But I still felt like there was something better for me, but I didn't know how to bridge it. Like, what would you say to the person that's listening that actually feels that right now in their life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Positive energy activates constant elevation. And that's peace. Oh, it is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Was there a moment, though, because, you know, I used to I was a public defender for legal aid and in New York City. And I do feel like when you are in that loop of making really bad choices and you feel like you have no options, you're also surrounded by people that are doing the same thing. It takes a level of courage to wake up and go, I'm not doing this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
Do you remember, like, was there a moment?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
So what was the moment where you're like, I'm not going down like this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Reinvent Yourself: How to Let Go of Past Mistakes and Create a New Version of You
And what you're about to hear, it is going to shake you to the core because Charlemagne delivers so much insight, so much wisdom with a level of conviction and passion. It is going to move you. He's going to tell you that you are so much bigger than the mistakes that you've made or the life that you're living right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know, this time of year, I get a ton of questions about goal setting and goal achievement. And so today I have decided to teach you how to achieve any goal that you have in six simple steps. Now, these are the six simple steps that I follow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And that's gonna make it a little easier, which we're gonna get to in some of the later steps. And the third reason why is because it will help you tremendously when it comes to you pushing yourself on the days that you don't feel like doing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And so we're going to come back to step two and writing it down because I'm going to help you find motivation by writing something down a little bit later. So I promise you, we're going to come back to it. Step number three is find the formula. Find the formula. You've decided what you want. You've made it very specific so you know what it's going to take.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You have answered the question, how am I going to know I've achieved it? So you've got this level of specificity. You've written it down. And now here's your assignment. Go find the formula. For whatever it is that you've written down, the goal that you want to achieve could be getting into a loving relationship after heartbreak or divorce or losing someone you love.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It might be creating a new chapter of your life. It could be writing a book. It could be starting a business. It could be getting in shape. It might be learning a new language in five weeks flat. It could be mastering giving a toast at somebody's wedding. Any kind of goal that you can state and write down for yourself, there is somebody who's already done it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And for everything that somebody's already done, there is a formula. For example, there is a formula for how you build a successful real estate business. There just is. There is a formula for how you become a motivational speaker. There's a formula for how you write and publish a book, whether you do it with a publisher or you self-publish or you use hybrid publishing. There's a formula.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
There's a formula for how to launch a podcast. In fact, before I started the Mel Robbins podcast, you know what I was doing for the two years before I started this podcast? I was researching the podcast industry and I was looking for the formulas. Do people publish episodes once a week or twice a week or three times a week or five times a week or once a month? And what's the difference?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
What are people saying about the equipment? What do people say about how long the episode should be? What do people say about advertisers? There's a formula. And one of the things that I've noticed over the years is that most people screw this up. Because you want to do it your way. You think you're copying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I know that this is going to be an episode that so many of you share with the people in your life that you deeply care about. You share with your colleagues at work. You share with your adult kids. You share with your... siblings, everybody, everybody needs to know these six simple steps. So I also want to take a minute before we jump in and I unpack each one of these six steps to welcome you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You think that if you do it the same way everybody else did it, then somehow you're stealing somebody else's idea. Do you want to know something? The reason why there are formulas is because they work. And the six steps that I'm teaching you today to achieve your goals, it's a formula for achieving your goals. And I want you to steal it because formulas work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I have seen too many people waste years of their lives saying, I'm not going to try keto because my sister-in-law is doing it and I don't want her to think that I'm copying her and I need to do it my way. Screw that. Are you kidding me? If you know what you want and you know what it's going to look like if you've achieved it and you have the... bravery and the clarity to write it down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I want you to find every formula you can, and then I want you to use it. And I say this because I screwed myself over. I robbed myself of the opportunity to achieve a goal at a time when I desperately needed to achieve a goal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And so I want you to go out and find the formula for whatever it is, whether it's weight loss or putting yourself out there or gaining confidence or making a million dollars or learning how to be an affiliate marketer online or learning how people are making so much money as influencers. There's a formula.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Find it and follow it because every day that you don't, you're wasting time, you're wasting energy, and you're the one that's standing in the way of you achieving your goals because the formula is how you do it. And here's the other thing I'm going to say about it. You're a unique human being.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So even if you do exactly what everybody else does and you follow the formula and you follow the formula for getting into the real estate business or launching that skincare company, you're still going to do it your own way because you're your own person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You still have to prep the meals even though you're gonna follow the recipes that somebody else is telling you worked for them to balance their hormones. You're still gonna put your own spin on it because you can't do anything in life without making it your own because you're gonna put your own personal touch on it. And I feel so passionate about this because I see too many of you
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
wasting years of your lives sitting around knowing exactly what you need to be doing or knowing what other people did and telling yourself you can't. Let them think you copied them because you did. Let them think you followed the formula because you did. Let them say you're not that original. So what? You got the goal achieved. Who cares? Let them say, oh, well, she just did it. Great.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Yes, I did. Let them say whatever the heck they want because you have big, amazing, awesome goals that you're trying to achieve here. So find the formula. I just love this topic. And you know what else I'm going to love? I would love for you to share this with people that you care about because these six steps are the steps everyone needs.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
If you're brand new, if this is the first episode you've ever listened to on the Mel Robbins podcast, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. This is a winner of an episode because I'm taking a decade of life and business experience and I'm jamming it into this conversation so that you don't have to learn this stuff the hard way. You can go straight to the front of the line.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
All right, so I'm sharing my formula for how you can achieve absolutely any goal using six simple steps. You know, I've got a question here from Elise who says, Mel, I'm so excited to start my new business and the business is giving singing lessons to teenage kids who want to be on Broadway.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Now, let me ask you a question because you probably don't have a goal like Elise does of launching a business to give singing lessons to teenage kids who want to be on Broadway. But between you and me, Do you think there's somebody on the planet who has launched a business teaching kids how to break into Broadway? I'd venture to guess that there's a bunch of them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I'd also venture to guess that these businesses also have Instagram channels and they've done podcast episodes where they've talked about their business or somebody's written a blog article about it. There might even be a book about this, like how to break into Broadway, right? So even though you and I don't want to do this business, can you see that if we had to, if our life depended upon it,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
We could find the formula that other people followed. We could see what we needed to be doing on Instagram and social media. We could see like how you market this kind of business and what kind of services you need to offer because you can just look at everybody else's website. That's what I'm talking about when I say a formula. And that's why there's nothing stopping you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
In fact, the roadmap is right there. And so Elise continues to write, but as soon as I think about, think about my big, amazing goal, I get paralyzed. I have no idea where to start and I've been stalled for years. So she's making a couple mistakes that all get solved by steps one, two, and three. So she has decided what she wants.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
She wants to start a business that helps kids break into Broadway, okay? Clear. How will you know that you've achieved that goal?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Well, Elise is going to have to answer and you're going to have to answer for yourself, but I would say that I have achieved that goal if I have five paying clients and I have gotten at least one of my clients an audition for an actual show that is on Broadway or off Broadway. I would count that. That's how I would know I am officially in the business of doing this and I have achieved my goal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Now, why would I define it that way? Well, because then I know I've done it. I've got paying clients. So if money's coming in, sounds like I'm running a business. And if I'm getting my clients to be able to have an audition, sounds like I'm pretty good at my job. Great. Then I've achieved it. Now I'm going to write it down and I'm going to write that down. And this is what a lease needs to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It's five clients. One person has an audition. This is what the business is. Great. So now she's got it in front of her, right? Because one of the reasons why you get paralyzed is if it's a dream, it stays in your head. If it's a goal, it goes down on paper. If it's a dream, it stays locked in your soul as a wish. If it is a goal, it is on paper in front of your face as something to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Now we know step three, which is find the formula. Elise is paralyzed because A, it's not on paper and B, she's looking at everybody else around her as people that have already done it. She's too late. I don't know what to do. No, no. Other people do not block your way. They lead the way. Find the formula. I feel so adamant about this because I didn't follow this advice.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You are going to have the cheat code and the proven shortcut to achieving your goals in six simple steps. So I wanna thank you for pressing play on an episode and taking the time to listen to something that will truly help you change your life. And this is one of those episodes you wanna bookmark because you're gonna wanna come back to this over and over and over again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
This is how I figured out that find the formula is step three in achieving any goal because I didn't do this for a long time. And I literally screwed myself over. What was my goal at the time? Well, 10 years ago, I was miserably in debt. I desperately needed to pay bills. I needed to put groceries on the table. I needed to fill up my gas tank with gas.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I needed to pay for the town soccer fee so my kids could play town soccer. Like I was very motivated. And my goal was to figure out how I could become a person that was paid to give motivational speeches. And I had started giving speeches. It all kind of just happened organically. I'll tell you that story at a different time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
But as people started to ask me more and more to come to small events or speak in church basements or go to companies and talk at brown bag lunches, I started to think, how can I make money doing this? I didn't know anybody who made money doing this. And this was 10 years ago. And so I didn't know who to ask.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
But one day I went to an event and there were some other speakers there that looked way more professional than me. Like they had really fancy PowerPoint presentations and they were on the big stages. I was just in like the back rooms on the panels. And so I went up to one of them and I asked for advice. And this is something you can do because this is how you find a formula.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You can either research and stalk people legally online and figure it out for yourself and listen to podcast episodes and do your research or heck, put it into AI and ask them, what are the 10 steps to doing this goal that I have? And you'll be shocked because you'll get the formula. So I go up to somebody and I write about this in my new book, The Let Them Theory.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
In fact, I write about it on page 82, and I want to read to you about this, okay? So I asked these experienced speakers at this event, what do I do? And they told me there are three things to do, and it's the same three things everybody does. Okay. Everybody who launches a real estate business, same three things. Everybody that tries to get into nursing school, same three things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Everybody that launches a YouTube channel, same three things. Everybody that becomes an influencer or loses weight, same things, everyone. There's no mystery here. There's just a formula. So here's what they told me to do. They said, Mel, build a simple website with photos of you on a stage, plus a description of your keynote and the main takeaways.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Second, they said, Mel, get testimonials from a few event planners at past events that you've spoken at, put them on the website. Easy. And then they said the third and most important part of the formula. If you want to be paid to give a speech mail, you better start posting about speaking online. You have to turn your social media into your marketing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Post photos from events, post content related to your speech, post photos with the event planners that hire you. Social media is how people find you. Social media demonstrates that you're a player in this industry and social media is what will lead people to that one page website where you have testimonials from event planners so they can book you. That's the formula.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Follow it and you'll start getting paid as a motivational speaker. So armed with that advice, this was 10 years ago, I knew exactly what I needed to do. Plus, the stakes were really high. I needed the money to get my family out of debt. So I was very clear about what I needed to do. Now, here's what's interesting about goals. I knew what I wanted. I was highly motivated.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And as I unpack each one of these six simple steps to achieving your goals, you're gonna realize, oh, yeah, this is how you achieve anything. This makes so much sense. Thanks, Mel. You're welcome. All right, let's jump into it. So the first step to achieving any goal is gonna sound super obvious, but what I find is that everybody skips the thing that's obvious.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I even knew what I needed to do. I had the formula. Did I follow the formula? Not really. And if you're honest with yourself, I bet you're kind of where I am right there. You kind of know what you need to do to lose the weight or to put yourself out there or to convert the bedroom that's been empty for a number of years into an office or a craft studio. You know, you're just not doing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I hear you. We're going to get to those other three steps in a minute. Yes, I created a website. Yes, I asked for testimonials and I put them on the website. But did I post on social media? Nope. You're sitting there going guilty, Mel. I really want to market my business, but I just don't do it online. I really want to make money. but I'm not taking that course that teaches me how.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
See, at the time, my social media was personal. It was filled with photos of my kids, pictures from family trips and selfies with friends. All of my followers were my friends, my former classmates and family members. I'd never posted anything about my desire to become a motivational speaker or the fact that I'd been doing speeches for free for over a year.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And if you've ever wanted to use social media to launch a business or promote some new aspect of your life or share your art, You know what I'm talking about. You know how hard it is to look at that account that only has photos of your personal life and then make a decision that you're going to turn this into a marketing channel. Now I'm reading on page 83 of the Let Them Theory book right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It took me two years to start posting about my business on social media. Why? Because I was afraid of what people would think. And if you're sitting there going, who are you afraid of, Mel? Simple. I was afraid of my friends.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I was worried that if I stopped posting photos of my kids and pictures from barbecues and get togethers with extended family, and I started posting photos of me speaking at conferences, that people would judge me. Who does she think she is? I mean, who the heck is hiring her to speak? What does she possibly have to say? I mean, do you know what a train wreck her life is?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Do you know that her husband's restaurants are closed? What a phony. Now, look, I tried to post, but I would thumb through my photos from the event and select one or two. And then what would happen? The fear would kick in. And as I would draft the caption, I'd start to feel worried about people's opinions. And I'd start to talk to myself. Do you ever do this as you're about to post something?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Does this sound too arrogant? How's this photo? Is this caption professional enough? If I post this, are people going to unfollow me? Are my friends going to think I'm fooling myself? Should I just start a separate account from scratch? I mean, I went around and around and around and around. I had the formula. I would then convince myself, oh, it's not worth it to post. And you wanna know why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Because I had burned through so much energy trying to craft the perfect, most compelling, marketable image and caption, something that would promote me, but it would also ensure that nobody would have a negative thought or unfollow me or think that I'm being too self-centered, that I was literally exhausting myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And if you have a goal of actually trying to lose weight, you probably do this before you go to the gym and then you have no motivation to go to the gym. If your goal is to get out of debt,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I bet you work yourself up as you look at the pile of bills and you think about the budget you need to create and you get so worked up in your mind with all of the stress and drama that, oh, I'll just do it tomorrow. You have the formula. You're not following it. I literally created hundreds of draft posts and they just sat there in my drafts for two years.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And you know what would happen when I did get the jolt of confidence to post? Oh my gosh, I would put it up and then I'd be like, and then I would check it obsessively. And if in five minutes it didn't have enough hearts or enough comments, or, you know, I felt like, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, I would just delete it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
and you don't realize how important it is. And I brought so many notes. If you can see me on YouTube, you see that I have all of these highlighted pages. You're gonna hear me rustling pages as you're listening. And that's because I brought a lot of research and I have questions from your fellow listeners around the world related to some of these steps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I really want you to embrace this because if you know the formula that you could be following, you're the one holding yourself back, just like I did. This stupid fear kept me from marketing my business. And this is something I wanted to make my full-time career.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I was giving other people's opinions more weight and importance than my own ability to get out of debt, to achieve a goal, to get ahead in my life. I mean, talk about giving your power away. And when I look back at myself now, And I think, my God, I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew how I would measure it because I felt that I would achieve that goal if I received a single paycheck.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
One paycheck means I'm getting paid to give a speech and now I'm legit. I had the formula. I stopped myself from following it. And you will never achieve your goals if you only get to step three, ever. What is it that you want? Because there is no doubt in my mind, you follow these six steps, you will achieve it. May not happen this year, but you will achieve it if you follow these six steps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Whether your goal is to launch a successful business or sell your art or publish your music or go on tour or have your videos get a million views or just post a photo of yourself in a bathing suit. Because it means you accept yourself as you are. If you're censoring yourself in any way, it's because you're afraid of other people's opinions. Me too. I mean, that's why we do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And that's why the tool for following the formula is my let them theory. You have to say, let them. Let them think, say, and feel however they're going to feel. Because my life is my responsibility. And I got to focus on what I can control. And I got to say the second part of the let them theory, which is let me. Let me do the things that I need to do to achieve that goal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Let me put myself out there. Let me act in a way that makes me feel proud of myself. Because when you start to feel proud of yourself, you're not going to care what anybody thinks because you know the facts. You know the truth. You know who you are. And you know, most advice on this topic, I'm just going to come right out and say it. It sucks. It sucks.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Because most people are going to tell you, just stop caring about what other people think. But nobody tells you how. I'm telling you how. I'm telling you, give people the freedom to think whatever they want. Let them. Let them judge. Let them have negative thoughts. Let them unfollow you. Let them do and feel and think whatever they want to do because you have goals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And if you want to achieve your goals, you have to let other people have their opinions about it because you got to take your time and energy back and stop managing that and worrying about it and holding yourself back because you need that time and energy to do step four. Isn't this so awesome to have these six simple steps? Of course it is. And you know what else would be even more amazing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Share this with somebody because everybody in your life has goals and we all get stuck in one of these steps. And when you see them and understand them, you're suddenly free and empowered to achieve your goals, no matter what they are. I just love this topic because I love achieving cool things. And I love actually surprising myself that I can push through obstacles.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
But the first step, you have to decide what you want. I'll say that again. You have to take the time and decide what you want. And most people don't take the time to even do that, to define the goal and to determine whether or not the thing that you want even is a goal. And that brings me to one of the first nuances of step one, decide what you want.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I can achieve things that I see other people doing. And that's why I'm so excited that you're taking the time to listen to this and that you're also being generous and sharing this with people that you care about. So let's move on to step four, because step four is the really irritating, boring, and unglamorous part of achieving your goals. And I call it doing the reps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It took me a long time to figure out this formula. And I want you to feel my conviction about it. And I've tried to make it as simple and as unboring as possible. But step four is super boring. There is absolutely nothing glamorous about achieving your goals. Nothing. Nothing. And the faster you get that into your brain, the more successful you're going to be at achieving your goals. Full stop.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So what is doing the reps? So this comes from my buddy, bestselling author, Jeff Walker. Look him up. Fantastic guy. Phenomenal business coach. And Jeff said in a meeting that I was in once, he said, you know, I've been asked over the years, what is the secret to success? And he said, it's doing the reps. And the reps are the boring, tedious, annoying actions that you take every day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Just like going to the gym. You want a bigger bicep? You got to do the reps. Is doing reps fun? Nope. Is walking into the gym with your headphones on and picking up a 45 pound weight? That's not what I pick up. I pick out like the three to five to eight pounder, depending upon the exercise. But is that like exciting? No, it's tedious. And that's how you achieve a goal. There are no big leaps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
They're small gains. That's it. And I'm going to come back to this over and over and over again. And I'm going to keep saying the reps are boring because I want you to expect it to be boring. And what separates people who achieve their goals from people who do not is simple. People who achieve their goals understand the power of showing up every day and just doing the boring, tedious stuff.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
That's where greatness is made. It's in the things that aren't fun. It's in the stuff that nobody wants to do. Because let's face it, if it were easy and fun and thrilling to get yourself out of financial debt, everybody would do it. Everybody would have a million dollars in the bank. If it were easy and fun and thrilling to have six pack abs, everybody would have them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I follow these for tiny goals, whether it's I just want to drink more water, that's a goal of mine, or they're massively ambitious goals, like the goal that I had when I launched the Mel Robbins podcast of being one of the top podcasts in the world, which thanks to your support, we now are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
No, like that's the thing most people don't talk about. Goals are boring. Goals are tedious. Goals are like super annoying. You know how awful it is to write a book? Like truly awful. Like you literally have to sit your butt in a chair and And especially on the days where you got nothing to say and you feel stupid and you think your book idea is dumb, you got to sit there and write.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Does that sound fun to you? No, that's why most of us don't do it. You know how hard it is to lose a hundred pounds or to lower your cholesterol? Like that's no joke. That is a very important goal. Like you being healthy and vibrant and having a long and amazing life and your health is a huge part of that. That is a enormously worthy and important goal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
But step four, don't you dare like gaslight yourself into thinking it's going to be fun. There is nothing easy or exciting about achieving a goal. It's a giant pain in the ass, honestly. And that's why I'm saying step four is the reps. It is you showing up on the days that you don't feel like it. And I wanna come back to step two. Remember where I said, write it down?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Because I'm gonna give you a couple small things that are gonna help you show up and do the tedious thing that you need to do. so you can achieve your goal. And the first thing is, you can use this written exercise that's been researched a lot. Researchers call this an implementation intention, okay? Very fancy term, implementation intention. It's just a simple sentence that you can write down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And you're ready? It literally is a formula and you can put it right underneath the goal that you've written down. Here's what I want. Here's how I know I will have achieved it. And now you're going to write down this statement of intention. I will, and then insert whatever the rep is. I will exercise at, and then you do the time and then you do the place. That's it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You got to understand the difference between a dream and a goal. critical distinction. So a dream is something that if you close your eyes and you imagine this dream of yours, right? And let's just take something that is on a lot of people's bucket lists.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And for me writing the book, I will write for 30 minutes at 9 a.m. in my office. I will do a Pilates mat class at 7 a.m. in my bedroom. I will drink a mason jar of water at 6 a.m. standing in front of the coffee maker. So writing down this statement, I will do the rep at a certain time in a certain place. God, it sounds so dreadful, doesn't it? No wonder you and I have not achieved our goals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
We've been thinking it was supposed to be fun and sexy. We went out and bought all the new sneakers and kind of got all excited about this thing and got a new planner and bought the books. Wait, we have to write a boring sentence about our intention? Mel, I have to make a plan for my reps? Well, you might want to because research shows that when you actually make a plan, 91% of people do the plan.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I'm gonna say that again. I'm gonna get my research out so I get this right, because this is no joke. They did this study with people that wanted to exercise as a goal, okay? So you've written down, you know what you want, you've written it down, and they've asked people, group one had to track if they exercised. So that group is just tracking exercise in their brain.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
The second group read a little motivational thing about why exercising matters, like it's important for your body, so now you know why. And now you're going to track whether or not you do it. The third group had to write down a plan, meaning I will exercise at 10 o'clock in the morning in my neighborhood by walking around the block.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
91% of the people that wrote down the plan, I will do the rep at a certain time and a certain place, did it. That's double the amount of people that completed the goal than the people who just thought about it or knew why they should do it. So writing down a plan matters because it helps you do the rep. Because I am going to tell you right now, you're not going to want to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You're not going to want to exercise. You're not going to want to drink your water. You're not going to want to have the mocktail instead of the alcohol. You're not going to want to make a budget. You're not going to want to clean out your closet. You're not going to want to eat the kale instead of the macaroni and cheese. I don't either. I don't either.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You're not going to want to spend time filming videos of yourself and seeing yourself on camera, and then you're not going to want to post it online. That's coming. That's step four. And we got to see what you're made of. Are you willing to do the boring, tedious stuff? See, I don't think there's anything special about people that achieve the things that you want.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
They're just willing to do what you won't do. They get up on the days they don't feel like it and they literally go do the thing no matter what they feel like. And so first things first, write down the plan. I'm going to do the rep at a certain time and in a certain place and stick it in front of your face. because based on the research, it's going to make you more likely to do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
that you dream of being an author, you dream of publishing a book, you dream of writing a book, whether it's a memoir or a cookbook of your family's recipes or the next fantasy trilogy novel, that deep in your heart, you have this dream that you have written a book, you're a published author, And let me talk about what it feels like to dream, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Second thing that you can do, use my five-second rule. In those moments where you don't feel like doing it, so the motivation's not there, of course it's not there. Why? Reps are boring. Tedious, dumb. We hate them. You're not going to see progress right away, which means you're going to hate it even more. Why am I even doing this stupid exercise stuff?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I don't, I'm still in the same pants for crying out loud. I still can't do a pull-up. I'm working on trying to do a pull-up. You know what stage I'm in? For two weeks, I've been working on hanging, hanging. I can't even like pop my shoulders a quarter inch. Like I'm working on hanging. This is awful. But this brings me to the five second rule. Five, four, three, two, one, count backwards, move.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It's a little brain hack tested by research and proven to work for millions of people around the world that will help you push through that feeling of not doing it. And I'm going to give you one more. This comes from Dr. K, who is a fantastic psychiatrist that has appeared on this podcast a number of times. I'll link to his episode so you can listen to him explain this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
But the basic neuroscience around motivation is we are hardwired to move away from things that feel painful. which is a problem when it comes to step four for achieving your goals because doing the reps every day is very painful. It's tedious, it's boring, it's annoying. You're not gonna see results. It's gonna feel pointless. That doesn't feel like fun.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So when you're presented with two options, should I sit on the couch and shove these chips in my mouth or should I drag myself out the door and go for a run? You're naturally hardwired to resist the thing that feels hard, which means what? You're gonna resist the reps. This is why you don't do the formula. Do you see how all this is building, right? This is where so many of you get stuck.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It's where I got stuck. I know what I want. I know why I want it. I know how to measure if I'm doing it. I even know the formula, but I'm not doing it. Well, let's break that. And here's Dr. K's research.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
When it's time to do that boring thing that you don't want to do because it's 10 o'clock in the morning and now you're sitting in your kitchen and you said that you were going to pay your bills at this time, you're just going to say, this is going to sound so dumb, but it works. I know I don't want to do this, but I'm doing it anyway.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I know it's going to be hard to go hang from the pull-up bar, Mel, for 60 seconds, but you're going to go do it anyway. And when you acknowledge that you don't want to do it and you acknowledge that it's going to suck and you acknowledge that it's going to be hard, something interesting happens. Your resistance to it lowers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
See, your brain wiring is trying to move you away from the thing that's hard And that's why you're losing the battle of willpower. You don't need willpower. You can use these little hacks. Five, four, three, two, one, go. You can also say, I know it's going to be difficult. I've expected this. The fact that it's tedious and boring and annoying means it's working and I'm going to go do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And then you're going to see the resistance disappears. That's step number four. Do the reps. over and over and over and over again. That's the game. You want to achieve goals? Do the reps. All those people you admire that have what you want, you know what they're doing? They're doing the reps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And if you've ever looked at somebody who becomes an overnight sensation, I want you to look at their actual story because they were doing the reps in the dark for a decade while nobody was paying attention. It's all those mornings where you get up and you don't feel like it that help you achieve your goals. That's how you do it. There is no other way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
If you close your eyes and you imagine the dream of being a published author, of a dream of writing a book, you can feel it, can't you? You can also imagine it. And if I were to walk you through an exercise where I guide you through your senses and I say, okay, your dream has come true. You've written the book. You're a published author. You've sold the movie rights. I mean, how amazing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And so if you can't get past step four, you might as well cross that goal off your list because this is how it's done. And there is no shortcut here, period. No shortcut at all. You do not get to pass any of these steps. And that brings me to step number five. And this is an important one because I know I'm like, only because I want you to achieve your goals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I don't want to just fluff you up and send you out there and then set you up to fail. I want you to understand that you're in for it and you're capable of doing this. And maybe nobody's told you that. that you can do this, but you gotta accept this is gonna suck for a while. And I'm willing to do the things that are difficult because I really want my life to be easy and amazing in the long run.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And that's what happens. Do the hard things now, things are easier later. When you constantly opt for what's easy now, your life gets harder and harder and harder. So that brings me to step number five, and I love this. So once you start doing the reps and you're like, all right, this is going to blow, but I'm going to do it anyway.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
This is tedious and I'm not seeing results and I'm still hanging here and I can't even do the shoulder crunch. God forbid a pull-up doesn't even seem like it's ever going to be in my future, but I'm just going to keep doing the reps. How can you make it fun and easy? That's step number five.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Step number five is once you are starting to just show up and you keep showing up and you keep taking the walk or you keep drinking your water or you keep sitting down and writing, even though what you're writing is just complete garbage that you wouldn't even, you don't even want to read it. That's how bad it is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So this is where you take a step back and you ask yourself, well, how could this be easier and more fun? Because I've accepted the reality and the truth that it's gonna be kind of tedious and boring for a long time. And I'm not gonna see results for a long time. And I just gotta keep my head down and I gotta keep focusing on the reps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And even on the days where I don't do it, I gotta get back to the reps the next day, which is why I love this tip from my buddy, Jeff Walker. I say, just do the reps all the time. My team will tell you that, my kids will tell you that. I know, mom, got to do the reps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
We even have in our family group chat, occasionally one of the kids will say something like, yep, just putting in the reps today on something that they're working on, which is code for doing the hard work. And it's kind of cool. But at some point, and I'd say about a week into consistently doing this, now you get to step above this and say, how can I make this fun and easy?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And there's three different categories that I want you to think about. Number one is... I love visual reminders. So how can you take any of the decision-making or any of the effort out by having visual reminders? So for example, I love setting alarms in my phone that go off and say, reminder, you gotta go for your walk in 10 minutes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
We're having a Post-it note where I work that reminds me of the thing that I said that I was going to do because now I don't have to remember it. Here's another way that I do this. I lay out my exercise clothes first thing in the morning. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Well, because when I step into my closet, they're laying there like a giant middle finger telling me that it's time to get dressed and go to the gym, which I don't wanna do. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to wrestle with a decision. I don't have to overcome my feelings in the closet. I've made it easier because it's right there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Here's another way I've made exercise easier for me because it's a goal of mine to move my body every day. And this is going to sound like the dumbest thing, but I'm telling you, this has changed my life. I figure out the exercise workouts I'm going to watch because I like to have an exercise class on Sunday nights. So I know what I'm going to watch on Monday.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I know what class I'm going to take on Tuesday. I know what class I'm going to take on Wednesday. Because have you ever gone to the gym and you're like, what am I supposed to do here? I guess I'll just walk on the treadmill for a little bit. Maybe I'll do the arm thing. Maybe I'll... I was going to do the leg rotation, but there's some guys talking over there by the quad machine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So I guess I'll just go get a latte. Like that's kind of how it used to work for me. And so I've made it fun and easy by... planning ahead and removing decisions. Here's another way that I make things fun and easy. Instead of having to remember to drink water, I fill up the water the night before and it's sitting in front of the coffee maker so that when I roll out of bed in the morning,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
If I were to walk through your day, what are the sounds that you hear? What does your life look like? You can imagine it in your mind. And that's the key difference between a dream and a goal. See, a dream is something you can imagine. A goal is something you achieve. Big difference. Because one is in the thinking, that's the dreaming and the feeling. A goal is in the doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I army crawled to the coffee maker. And if this Mason jar were not sitting in front of the coffee maker, I would start making coffee. But because the Mason jar is out there, I've made it easy to do the thing. What are some other ways you can make it fun? You can make playlists. You can get somebody to do it with you. You can join an online community. You can take a class.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Like there are so many ways. And this is a fun way for you to go, okay, how can I set myself up for success to make this easier? And one of the things that I love about a particular habit researcher, I'm sure you know him. His name is James Clear. He wrote Atomic Habits. It's the book that synthesizes everybody's research on habits.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And one of the things that I love about his philosophy is that you will rise or fall to the level of your systems. And if you're having trouble staying with the reps, you either have an issue where you don't realize it's boring and hard and tedious and you're not going to see results and that's the game.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And so you can resolve it by saying, this is gonna be hard, five, four, three, two, one, I'm doing it anyway. The fact that it's hard means it's working, I'm going. And the second though thing that you can do, and this comes from James Clear, is how can I set up my environment or what systems can I create to make this something that's easier or more obvious to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And so again, I've covered a bunch. You can put up visual reminders. You can plan the night before so things are laid out. If you want to write, have your notebook there or your laptop right by where the coffee maker is and plan to write first thing in the morning. You can ask a friend to do it with you. You can sign up for a class or an online community that helps you stay accountable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
These are all things that make it easier. And why wouldn't you make it easier on yourself? right? Because achieving your goals is hard and tedious and boring, but you can do it. And that brings me to the final, the sixth step. And the sixth step, don't quit. Don't quit. You already know because step one required you to answer the question, how do I know if I've achieved this goal?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And for me, I want to publish a book this year. I got to have the physical book in my hands. I'm holding the Let Them Theory book right now. That's how I knew I would achieve the goal. So step one, you already know what success looks like because you've defined it. And you've gone through and written it down and you have found the formula and you've been busy doing the boring, tedious work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You've taken steps to make it easy. And now the only thing you need to do is don't quit. And I'm just going to say something because now that I have this puppy in my hands and I've actually achieved the goal, do you want to know how many times I've wanted to stop Oh my gosh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
When I first sat down to write this and was like, wait a minute, why is this simple idea let them let me so hard to write a book about? When I was on version number two, version number three, version number five, version number seven, version number nine, version number 11 of the manuscript, I wanted to stop.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
When the publisher came back and was like, ah, well, I think this, I'm like, oh my God, I don't have the energy. I wanted to stop then. And over and over and over again, you're also going to want to stop. And if I had quit at any of those moments, I wouldn't be holding this book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And you wouldn't be able to walk into a bookstore and grab it and read it and feel it and learn from it and understand why the let them theory is something that literally creates instant freedom and power in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And there were so many times where I was sitting here above my garage in Southern Vermont, just piles and piles and piles of manuscripts and papers around me thinking, I'm never going to get this done. And that's why... you have to remind yourself, just don't quit. See, I've come to believe that the secret to success is just not giving up. That life is constantly testing you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
That there are gonna be days where you don't do the reps. There are gonna be weeks where you don't do the reps. There might even be months that you don't do the reps. That's okay. Because what defines your success is not the days where you do it. I actually think it's the days where you come back after you didn't do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So the day that was really hard at work or the week that you were really sick and you couldn't do the reps every day, the small tedious stuff, you couldn't get out for your walk, you couldn't sit down and write, you started drinking again, whatever it is, it's the day that you return that defines success because it means you didn't quit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It means that even though things got hard or life derailed you or you just stopped following this system and you let life take over, you're human. That's okay. It's going to happen. Happens to me too. Absolutely happens to me too. You can always come back to this formula. Like if it is day 37, you have not eaten the way you said you would.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You have spent a ridiculous amount of money, even though your goal is to get out of debt. You just didn't do what you said you were going to do. You didn't write. You didn't make a video. You didn't work on the budget. You didn't meditate 37 days. How about seven months have gone by? And you see that little note where you wrote down your goal. It's okay. It's still there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I want you to just consider the difference between these two sentences. I dream of writing a book versus I have a goal of writing a book this year. Do you feel the difference between those two things? See, a dream is infinite. A dream only exists in your heart and your mind. A dream is trapped inside your soul and your brain. But a goal, a goal is something you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You going and doing the rep defines your success. And that's always in your power. And the reason why I say don't quit is because if you look at anybody's story, it's almost always one of perseverance. You know, whether you want to talk about Michael Jordan who got cut from his high school team or anybody, honestly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Everybody who is successful has a story of rejection and almost quitting, and the one thing they didn't do is they didn't quit. And if you're on the verge of quitting, I've got a question here from Pilar. Mel, I've been pouring my heart into starting my online bakery, but nothing's going the way I hoped. Orders are slow. I'm exhausted. I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I'm at such a low point. I just want to give up. How do I keep going when it feels like everything is falling apart? I so relate to this question. And what's so amazing about these six steps to achieving your goals is you just go back to step one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So if you're at a point where you're questioning whether or not something is working, the answer is actually in the formula I just gave you, which is go back and ask yourself the question, decide what I want. What do I really want? Do I want this to be successful or do I want to cut my losses and learn from this and move on? Like you have to answer that question because
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You have to define a new goal. And that's what I love about these six steps. It's for any goal. And the goal might be closing down this business and moving on. And the goal might be, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not giving up. Okay, great. So if you're not giving up, write it down. How are you going to know that you're successful? And then find the formula because I'm gonna tell you something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Do you think... there's a bakery somewhere that was on the verge of closing and then figured something out and all of a sudden had a breakthrough? Of course there is. In fact, I'd be willing to bet there's probably about 2,000 of them and they've put their story online.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And there was a moment where they thought their bakery business was going under and then they figured out something unbelievable and it changed everything. And if it's a formula, it's out there because it works and you can find it. And then what do you do? You just do the rips. And then what do you do? You just make it easy, however you can. And then what do you do? You don't quit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And you just keep coming back over and over and over and over again. See, you should define what you want and you need to define how you're going to know that you've achieved it. But you have to throw the timeline out the window. You have to. Because you only have in your control what you're willing to show up and do every day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Your attitude, your feelings, the actions, the reps, you not quitting, that's all within your control. How long it takes to achieve this thing, I actually think that's up to forces that are way beyond you and me. But all you need to do is to keep trusting that if you keep showing up, if you keep doing the reps, if you keep this front and center, that one of these days,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
you're going to wake up and realize you not only achieved your goal, it turned out so much more extraordinary than you could have even dreamt it would be. That is what happens when you do this. And I want to read one final thing to you from the Let Them Theory book, because anything that you want to change in your life, just turn it into a goal. and then follow these six steps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And keep in mind that it's not gonna be fun. And this is page 10 of the Let Them Theory book. Changing my life wasn't glamorous, it was grueling. I didn't achieve success or financial freedom because of some secret. I did it because I was willing to do what most people won't. I woke up every day and regardless of how I felt, I kept slowly chipping away at my goals for over a decade.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
It is a painstakingly slow process. Some days, all I focused on was just trying to be a little better than I was the day before. And often, that's all you need to do. I'm not special or different or gifted or lucky. I just found the tools that work for me and I use them. And today, my entire career and life's purpose is sharing those tools with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And the six steps that I just walked you through, this is my formula for success. This is how I achieve absolutely every single goal, whether it's personal, whether it's something with a relationship, whether it is creating new friendships, whether it's making more money, whether it's launching a new business, anything. This is my formula and I want you to steal it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And more importantly, when would you know that a dream is realized? Well, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of like a dream is realized when you close your eyes and you imagine it, right? You dream of being healthier. You dream of someday being healthy enough to run a 5K or a marathon versus I have a goal this year of getting in shape and training and running a 5K or a marathon.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
The five second rule is going to help you push through all of these internal obstacles and take action when you don't feel motivated to do so. You're never going to feel ready to change your life. One day you just get tired of your own BS and you force yourself to do it. You're never going to feel like going to the gym. One day you just make yourself go.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And you're never going to feel like having that hard conversation. One day you just get sick of avoiding it and you force yourself to have it. And you're never going to feel like looking for a better job. One day you just push yourself to start looking.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Every single change that you want to make in your life comes down to defining it as a goal and using the six steps that I just laid out to help you achieve it. And I'm telling you this, and I'm so excited for you because you have no idea what you're capable of. And neither did I.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
But I promise you this, you follow these six steps over and over and over again, and through these simple actions, you will achieve some extraordinary things in your life. And I can say that because I just gave you the formula for doing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You define what you want, you write it down, you find the formula, you do the reps, you find simple ways to try to make it more fun and easy, and you just don't quit until you achieve it. You do that over and over and over again, and you will be astonished by the things that you accomplish in your life. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode as soon as you hit play.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Can you tell me like if the book is in view, Jesse? Okay, great. But every time you sit there and you stay silent or you hide in the back of a group photo, you are engaging in self-reflect. Sorry, we're going to add that part. And before we get into that, your friend Mel Robbins needs to do the reps of raising the glass to my mouth and drinking a little bit more water.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Oh my gosh, I'm getting my water in today. Holy cow. Achieving that goal. Check the box. How could you set up the environment to help you? Like think about your physical environment. There we go. And if you use it for long enough, you're going to be shocked by what you can achieve. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I think we'll just end with, and so can you. Okay, great.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Let me reverse these two. It is a goal of mine to have my dog stop barking. Actually, I cannot control the fact that the dog is doing that, but God, I smell terrible. You sure? It's so inspiring. Okay, good. I feel like my face is like the color of a tomato right now. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And so today, I am breaking down the science, and more importantly, I am giving you the six simple steps that you can follow to achieve absolutely any goal. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so thrilled to be here with you today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Do you feel how different they are? It's because one exists in your mind and the other exists in the world. And this is critical. And so you have to have step one. You have to decide what you want. And when you do this, I want you to think about this as I'm asking you this question for step one. Decide what you want. And it could be anything. I want to drink more water.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Another goal could be, I want to start a YouTube channel this year. Another goal might be, I want to go back and earn my degree in nursing. Another goal might be, I want to get out of debt and create financial freedom. Great. That's you deciding what you want and speaking it in the language of a goal. Now I'm going to take it a step further.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Here's a question I want you to ask yourself because we're not moving to step two of achieving your goals until we get step one on lock. Okay. And here's the question I want you to ask yourself. How are you going to know that you've achieved it? How are you going to know? So let's take the example of financial freedom. Like you'll know you're out of debt because your credit cards are paid off.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Great goal. How am I gonna know you're financially free? What's the number in the bank? How are you going to know it? How are you going to measure it? And this is critically important because if you can't measure it, it's not a goal. It's just a wish, a want, or a dream. We gotta get specific because you gotta not only step one, decide what you want,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
You got to be able to answer the question, how are you going to know you actually achieved it? Because goals are not things you think about. Goals are things you do. When I think about the goals that I've achieved, I've gotten myself out of financial freefall. I mean, many of you know, I was 800 grand in debt just 15 years ago and facing bankruptcy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I have gotten myself into a healthier place and have a consistent exercise routine. And that was a goal because my hormones went all over the place. And then I started to gain weight. And so I made it a goal. What do I want? I want to understand my hormones and I want to develop an exercise routine that makes me feel healthy again, which means I can fit into a size 28 pair of pants.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
That was my goal. I can measure it. I can measure that. That's a goal. What's another one? I want to drink more water. And for me, that means I want to drink two, I think these are quart size. I drink two quart size, you can hear the ice, mason jars every day. That's my goal. That's how I know that I've achieved it. What's another one? I want to be a published author.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
How do I know that I'm a published author? The only way that I know is I got a book in my hands. That's how I know I'm a published author. I can dream about it all day long, but I know I've achieved it if I can define the terms and conditions under which I'm going to check the box and say, I did that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And so in everything that I do, whether it's launching a podcast or it's getting out of debt or it's getting healthy and in shape in the middle of big hormone shifts, every single one of these things is just defining a goal, deciding what I want, determining how I'm going to measure that I've actually achieved the thing. And that's step one. And so whatever it is that you have, you do step one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And now we're going to move to step two. You ready? Good. Step two, write it down. Write it down. I know you're thinking, okay, Mel, this is pretty basic stuff here. I know. And I bet you haven't even written down your goals. And this is a major mistake. And it's a major mistake for two reasons.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
One has to do with the physical act of taking your goal out of your brain, which is basically a dream or a wish or a want, and grounding it in the real world on physical paper. And this is an extremely important act for you to do. It's almost like an act of defiance.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I cannot wait to share everything that we're going to talk about today regarding the research around goals and achieving goals and the six simple steps that I followed. This is a formula that I have developed over the course of a decade of business and health and life changes. These are the six simple steps that will help you achieve any goal. I don't care what the goal is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Like if you're somebody that struggled with your weight and you're going to stop dreaming about being healthier and you're going to create a goal and exactly what you want, I want to lose 50 pounds, write it on a piece of paper. Write down the weight. Write down how you know you're going to achieve it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
If you've been struggling for a while and you have the audacity and the courage and the clarity to write down what you want in the face of where you've been, you, my friend, are on your way to achieving it. And I pulled some of the research on this and there's two benefits, okay? And it has to do with something called external storage.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
I know it's like a fancy word for something really simple and obvious once I explain it to you. But when you write it down on a piece of paper, and let's just take the thing I'm gonna keep talking about. You wanna be a published author. I wanna write a book, okay? When you say, I want to write a book, That's what I'm doing this year.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I'm going to know that I have written a book when it's actually physically printed. When you write that down on a piece of paper, that's step two, write it down. That piece of paper is something researchers call external storage paper. Now, this is where it gets cool. That paper and the fact that you've written it down reminds you of the goal. And then you're gonna tack it up somewhere. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Because you're gonna see it every day. And it's gonna remind you that this is something that's important to you. And then what starts to happen is what researchers call encoding. Encoding is when your brain sees something, something as basic as the goal and the thing that you want written down on a piece of paper with clarity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
When your brain sees it, the information, check this out, gets transferred to the hippocampus for analysis. And this part of the brain is where the brain decides, well, what's important to store in the long-term memory and what can we throw out? This is the process of your brain encoding the goal. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Because you're telling your brain every day through this piece of paper that this matters to you. Now, why is that important, Mel? I'll tell you why writing it down, step two, is so important. Because when you encode your brain
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
with the thing that matters to you, whether it's getting healthy or it's being in a loving relationship or it's making $100,000 this year or it's getting into nursing school. When you see that every day, here's what's going on. See, your brain all day long has to filter all kinds of information from social media to stuff at work, to things going on with your family, to text messages, to emails.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
But guess what? If you've written this down, this goal that you have, and your brain sees it every day, as your brain is busy going through the day and it's filtering out information, guess what you've done? You've encoded this little checklist in your brain. So suddenly you're going to start to notice, oh, wow, there's an article about writing a book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Oh, wow, there's an exercise routine that can be done in 15 minutes. Interesting. Why am I starting to see things related to my goal? I'll tell you why. This is so well-researched. I'm not even going to take the time to explain all of the studies and research that explains this. You're basically telling your brain what matters to you. You're telling your brain, this is important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And I want you to remember it, brain, because as you're looking around the world, if you see something that I've encoded, like writing a book or losing weight, then I want you to bring it to my attention. And I can explain how this works with a simple example. Have you ever bought a car or just been interested in a car?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
These are the steps that you need to follow. These are the steps that work. I wanna tell you, it is always such an honor to be able to spend some time together with you, but I am particularly excited because what I'm about to teach you today It works. And these are simple steps. And if you follow them, I don't care how ambitious your goals are. You can achieve your goals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And then all of a sudden, like you're interested in the new Ford Bronco, they're everywhere. Why? Because when you saw the Bronco and you said to yourself, oh my God, I love the Bronco. And then you look at it in the marketing materials, oh my gosh, I love the Bronco. And then you see it on social media, oh my gosh, I love the Bronco.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And then you see your neighbor has one, oh my gosh, I'm kind of jealous because I like the Bronco. You're telling your brain it's important to you. You are encoding this interest in your mind. So now your brain is going to go to work. And what do you see everywhere? Broncos.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
That's just the basic way that your brain works to take what's important or what your brain thinks is important to you and to filter the world in a way to help you see more of it. Isn't that kind of cool? So that's one reason why you have to write your goal down. I'm going to publish a book by the end of the year. That's my goal. you're going to be shocked at what you start to see.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
Because if you see this thing written down by your computer every single day or on the home screen of your phone, you're going to start to notice, oh my gosh, this thing that I'm interested in, it's everywhere. And that's going to help you. It's going to help you a lot. Now, there's a second reason why I want you to write the goal down and be brave.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
And be specific and claim that thing that you want. And this is research that shows that when you write things down, you're actually more likely to achieve it. And there's a number of reasons why. One of the reasons why has to do with what I just explained to you about how your brain now knows it's important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Achieve Any Goal You Have in 6 Simple Steps
So it's going to filter the world in a way to help you see more opportunities to advance the goal. The second reason why this matters is because it's going to help you remember to do it. And it's gonna remind you on those days where you're not motivated or you feel a little down, oh yeah, this thing is important to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So the other day I was talking with our oldest daughter, Sawyer, who is also the co-author of The Let Them Theory. And she said something to me that was just so cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
especially when you're in a moment in your life where you're super busy, oftentimes you think, I don't have time to read, or I don't have time to pick up the book, or I picked up the book and I started reading and then life got busy and I can't remember where I was. You can pick this book up at any time in your life. You could buy it today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And based on the date on the calendar, you might be flipping all the way back to literally the last 10 pages of the book And you're exactly where you need to be because it has meditations, October 23rd, October 24th. Here's a meditation I'm flipping forward for May 4th. How cool is that? And these are timeless meditations.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And what I love about this book is that it is so digestible and it's reassuring and it's encouraging. And just like everything I'm doing here on the podcast, or at least I'm trying to, I'm always reminding you. that the power is inside of you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I'm always reminding you of the simple things that are within your control, your attitude, the things you do or don't do, what you focus on, how you process your emotions and create space for what you're feeling, and you are giving yourself grace. And that's what these episodes are about. And the introduction of the book, Mark writes, each of us in our own way is a truth seeker.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
These are books that gave me a new perspective. They found me at times in my life where I needed the exact message and lessons. These are books in very different categories by very different authors that have helped me connect with people I love, that have helped me navigate challenges, that have helped me find peace when I've been really scared and stuck in my life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
looking for an authentic path that will let the saint in each of us show itself to the world. Along the way, if blessed, we come upon an opening that feels eternal, and suddenly there's nowhere to go. So we build a fire and stare into life, surprised at the tenderness our endurance and presence has led us to. Why is this making me cry? I don't know why this is making me cry.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I guess it's making me cry because I'm thinking about how my husband not only reads this every day, but He leads a men's retreat called Soul Degree three times a year. And this is one of the books that he gifts to the men that attend the retreat. And there's a part of the retreat where every night they sit around a campfire and there are things that they discuss as they stare into the fire.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And this book helps you slow down on a daily basis whenever you have a moment to just pick it up and read a page. It helps you stare into that fire of life and you'll be surprised at the tenderness that your endurance and presence can lead you to. He wrote this during an experience where he almost died from cancer in his 30s.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
He writes, almost dying from cancer in my 30s, he had a tumor in his brain and in his back, was the opening through which I stared into eternity and the fire I built was the book of awakening. I had no idea that this fire on the edge of everything would warm so many. It's hard to believe it's been 20 years since it was first published.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And all that time, I've been humbled by the many ways this book has been embraced. More importantly, the vastness it points to remains an irrepressible resource available to everyone. I think that it makes me emotional because, you know, in 2016, things were really shitty. And Chris was really struggling with depression. And I was out trying to make money however I could to get us out of debt.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And we were just starting to rebuild our lives and we were at a point where it was like, God, just get out of bed and do what you need to do. And I know so many people feel that way. And when you are in that position in your life, it's easy to beat yourself up and it's easy to convince yourself that your life is never gonna feel different. And I think because Mark wrote this,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
as he was facing a cancer diagnosis that he thought was going to kill him, you can feel in the words that he writes this grappling with where you are versus what's possible. And this book just gave me so much hope and the encouragement that I needed to really... move forward, especially in those moments when things just felt impossible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It really provided a lot of guidance and hope for me at a time when I desperately needed it. And even though I'm not in that place anymore in my life, and I've worked extraordinarily hard, and so has Chris, just like you're working incredibly hard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It still is relevant every single day that I crack it open and I turn to the day that it is and I read the wisdom on these pages and I'm just grateful for it. I just literally flipped to a page that Chris has highlighted.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
These are the books that have given me the courage to take the chances and to trust that there is something bigger in my life that is meant for me. And so these are the four books that I am going to recommend to you today. And I'm going to explain why and the backstory.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Too often we struggle stubbornly in an attempt to protect ourselves from the friction of being alive, when it is precisely that friction that works our spirit into a seeable gem. We are more malleable than we think, more durable and changeable than all hope. Thin and fragrant petals do not hide from the wind. They survive to die and break ground again. Even within one life, we shred and reroute.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
We break, bleed, and rearrange into yet another beautiful thing that learns how to reach. Resisting this process doubles our pain. Singing our way through it is the source of wisdom and beauty. The reason why I'm recommending this to you is because having something like this on your bedside table
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
that you can wake up to or you can go to bed to so that the first thing that you read in the day, the input that everybody talks about is empowering and hopeful and centers you on your capacity and your capability to rise and to meet whatever it is that you're facing in your life, good or bad. I think that's an incredible resource to give to yourself. And this is why I give it as a gift.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Because we all need words of encouragement. We all need to be reminded of the power within us. And you can't always be with the people that you love. But when you give somebody a gift of a book like the Book of Awakening, you're giving them almost like a surrogate for you. that can sit on their bedside table so that when they pick it up, they know that they're not alone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And they also know and think of you and the fact that you cared enough to give this as a gift to them. You know, I see a lot of you doing that with the Let Them Theory book. I think it's the same thing. That when you share an episode of a podcast like this one that made a big difference in your life with somebody, it's a way of saying, I love you and I care about you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And I think this is going to be something you're going to enjoy or get something out of. When you buy somebody else a book and you write an inscription on the inside. you're doing the same thing. You're literally taking something that represents how you feel about a person and you're giving it to them to act as a companion. Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening. That's number one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I just love that we're having this conversation. It's almost like we're in a book club together. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about. Even just talking about the book makes you feel like you've already read it, doesn't it? Well, if you love what I've already shared so far, you are going to absolutely love the next three recommendations.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And what was so exciting about getting ready to talk to you about this is that I realized as I put this together, holy cow, these four books also reinforce exactly why I wrote The Let Them Theory in the first place. So let's do this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And we're going to get into that second book when we return after a short break. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. I'm so thrilled that you're here with me today because today I am sharing four books that have changed my life, the reasons why, why I think they are worth your time and consideration, what you can get out of them, the backstory and some of the authors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And that brings me to book number two. We've already covered Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening. Let's talk about book number two. And that book is The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. There are so many reasons why I love this book. I recommend this book. I have also given this book as a gift. If you have not read The Alchemist, this is a must read in my opinion. I love this book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It is a simple but profound story about a shepherd in Spain by the name of Santiago who has this dream and goes on this spiritual quest in search of treasure. And the entire story has all these beautiful twists and turns and delays and upsets and setbacks and epiphanies, and it takes you on this just amazing journey out there and within.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And the major, major takeaway from this book is a quote that you may have seen before, you may have heard it, but it is what I do believe to be true about life. And the quote is, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. Isn't that a beautiful idea?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
That if you can be clear about what you want, and if you are willing, like Santiago, to walk toward it and to believe that it exists and that it is out there for you, If you are willing to journey in that regard, to go after the treasure in your life that you feel calling to you, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Now, one of the interesting lessons of this book that I also love is a lesson that you got to be careful what you ask for because you tend to get it, but you just don't get it in the way that you thought that you would. And I have read this book over and over and over again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And there's another quote that I want to read to you from this book that also is deeply important and incredibly difficult to absorb as a truth about life. And here it is. One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving. What does that mean? It means that your mere existence makes you worthy of love. And so many of us are out there chasing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Before we get into today's episode, I want to let you know that I've got something really special for you at the very end on how you can still reach the goals that you set for yourself at the beginning of this year. And it's all thanks to our friends at Walmart Plus, the membership that makes life easier by saving you time and money with free delivery and so much more.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
What if you could just believe that you are loved because you're loved and no reason is needed for being loved? And the major takeaway from this book, it's really about self-trust and love and learning to listen to your inner compass and this gigantic takeaway that when you find the courage to believe in yourself and to believe in a vision for your life and you have the guts to
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
to start walking on the path toward this vision that you have for your life, the universe, the world, people, they do conspire to help you, that things do start to change. And I believe that. I believe that so profoundly. And this book has been an important part of my life for over 20 years. In fact, when I wrote my first book, The Five Second Rule, which is now eight years old,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I write about the alchemist in the five-second rule. And I want to read to you the reason why this book, not just because of the story of Santiago and the lessons in the book, but there is a backstory to this book that was so resonant for me. And I want to tell you about it because a lot of people don't know this. A lot of people know that the alchemist has sold 65 million copies.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
That's a lot of books. A lot of people know that it was on the bestseller list for over 300 weeks. And even though this thing is over 25 years old, heck, at this point, it might be over 30 years old, it still will pop on the bestsellers list now and again. That's how relevant and incredible of a book this is and how profound of a story it is. I would give this to your adult kids.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I would read this again if you've read it before. We all need this reminder that you have within you. a deeply personal vision for your life. That is your treasure that you are seeking. And you also have within you the capability to set out on an adventure and a journey to go find that treasure that is buried within your life and buried within you. And it is a journey of trust.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It is a journey of twists and turns. And the more you walk toward it, a magical thing happens. The world, the universe, God, people, it all aligns to help you. if you're willing to start to see the world that way, which I do. And one of the other things that I think is incredible about this book is most people don't know the backstory.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And so I want to read to you what I wrote eight years ago in my own book, The Five Second Rule, in a chapter called Courage Changes Everything. And this is on page 217. Have faith. I believe you can make anything happen as long as you listen to your heart, do the work, and give up your timeline. One of my favorite books is the international bestseller, The Alchemist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
She turned to me casually and was like, you know, mom, you want to know the coolest part about just The Let Them Theory being everywhere and so many people talking about it, making content about it and discussing the book? It's literally the biggest book club in the world right now. that everybody belongs to because everybody's talking about it and saying let them and let me and she's right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I will see you after the bloopers, and you're going to love this bonus segment. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so unbelievably excited to talk to you today. I can't wait to share these four book recommendations with you. You're going to be blown away. It's always such an honor to spend time with you, to be together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It's one of the best-selling books of all time. It has been translated into 80 languages. I've recommended it for more than a decade, and as I was writing this book, I bought myself a new copy to keep me inspired and remind me of the message of the book. The whole universe conspires to help you when you follow your heart.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Now, when I cracked open the 25th anniversary edition, I was blown away by the story in the forward of the book. I had no idea that when The Alchemist was first published in Brazil, it failed miserably. Miserably. Listen to what Paulo Coelho, the author of The Alchemist, wrote in the foreword of the 25th anniversary of his book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
When The Alchemist was first published 25 years ago in my native Brazil, no one noticed. A bookseller in the northeast corner of the country told me that only one person purchased a copy the first week of its release. It took another six months for the bookseller to unload a second copy, and that was to the same person who bought the first. And who knows how long it took to sell the third.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
By the end of the year, it was clear to everybody that The Alchemist wasn't working. My original publisher decided to cut me loose and canceled our contract. They wiped their hands of the project and let me take the book with me. I was 41 and desperate. but I never lost faith in the book or ever wavered in my vision. Why? Because it was me in there. All of me, heart and soul.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I was living my own metaphor. A man sets out on a journey, dreaming of a beautiful or magical place in pursuit of some unknown treasure. At the end of his journey, the man realizes the treasure was within him the entire time. You know, when I read 41 and desperate? Holy cow, I got chills when I read that line in the foreword of The Alchemist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
That's how old I was when I discovered the five-second rule. And that's exactly how I felt, desperate. And what I've come to realize is that there is no expiration date on discovering and expressing the power in you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
As Paolo Coelho wrote in The Forward, it starts with a belief in yourself, and that belief is grounded in the courage to push yourself forward, set out on a journey, dreaming of a beautiful or magical place in pursuit of some unknown treasure. And I'm going to remind you exactly what Paolo reminds you of in The Alchemist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
At the end of this journey, the man realizes the treasure was within him the entire time. but you're never going to find it if you don't push out on the journey. That's what this book has meant to me. But of course, the story didn't end with failure. As I wrote in The Alchemist, when you want something, the whole universe conspires to help you. I started knocking on the doors of other publishers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
One opened and the publisher on the other side believed in me and my book and agreed to give The Alchemist a second chance. Slowly, through word of mouth, it finally started to sell. 3,000, then 6,000, book by book, gradually throughout that next year. Eight months later, an American visiting Brazil picked up a copy of The Alchemist in a local bookstore.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
He wanted to translate the book and help me find a publisher in the United States. HarperCollins agreed to bring it to an American audience, but it still took time to sell. slowly finding its audience in the United States by word of mouth, just as it had over the years in Brazil. And then one day, the sitting president of the United States was seen with a copy of it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
The Alchemist became a spontaneous and organic phenomenon. And this book was originally published in Portuguese 37 years ago. Isn't that incredible? And isn't it incredible that it was not a success with the first publisher?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And I also want to say, if you're a new listener, I wanted to personally take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am thrilled that you're here. And because you hit play on this particular episode, I already know something about you. I know that you're the kind of person who not only cares about your time,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Isn't it incredible that just like Santiago keeps moving forward, even though there are all these delays and twists and turns and danger, but he believes in the treasure in his heart? that The Alchemist is now celebrating its 37th anniversary. And the book is still very much alive. Like my heart and like my soul, it continues to live every day because my heart and soul are in it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And my heart and soul is your heart and soul. And that is the story of this book. The story of one person is the story of everyone's, and one person's quest is the quest of all of humanity. And that is so true. We all have a treasure that is buried deep within us. No one can take it from you, and nobody can prevent you from going and seeking it. Only you can do that to yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And if you pick up a copy of The Alchemist, I promise you, you are going to just be so inspired by this story. But more importantly, you are going to feel so excited and just hopeful and encouraged about the treasure that exists within you that is uniquely for you that can only be discovered by you. And that is when the journey to go find it will actually begin. The Alchemist. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
but you spend your time doing things that help you grow and learn and feel inspired, that like me, you're a reader, you love books, and you're listening to this episode because you really are interested in getting some good recommendations for some new books that you can read. And I also want to point something else out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
If someone sent you this episode and recommended that you take a listen, you know what that tells me? It tells me that they care about you that they want to feel closer to you. And I think it's a super cool thing that somebody is taking the time to share this with you. And you want to know a great way to feel closer to somebody else is reading a book together, which brings me to today's topic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Because today you and I are going to talk about one of the most asked questions that I've been getting lately, which is, Mel, what are your favorite books? Like, what are the books that inspire you? What are the books that you recommend to other people? What are the books that you give to other people as a gift?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
,,,,,,,. P P P P P P G實實實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ac a ,,,,,,,. P P P P P P G實 ac , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a ,,,,,,,,. P P P P P P G實...N...N...N...N...N...N...N...N...N...N...N...N...N en a in a in a , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . the Or that making a mistake or being told no is the end of the story.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Today, I have four different books that I'm going to recommend to you, and they're not just any book. First of all, they're not even in the same genre, so they're all different. Second, I am recommending them to you for very different reasons, and some of these books, it's not just that they're a great read, it's that there's a really cool backstory about the author and how the book came to be.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It's not the end of your story. It's just part of the story. I want to share some facts with you about John Grisham because it just shows you over and over and over and over again. You're not stuck where you are. You literally are not stuck where you are. Everything that you are doing in life is leading you somewhere else. Every experience that you have is not a waste of your time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It's actually experience that you're gaining that is gonna help you down the road. You are on a journey and this thing called life. And absolutely every twist and turn, every no, every setback is preparing you for something. And so let me tell you a little bit about John Grisham's life before he wrote the firm in 1991.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
So he attended community college because he wanted a baseball career, but then he was benched. And check this out. He failed English class in community college. He then transferred to Delta State University as a walk-on player for baseball, but cut from the team. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Guess the universe had some other plans for him because how are you going to sell 300 million books if you think you're going to be a baseball player? And it's so important that you actually adopt this mindset that what if this all works out?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
What if all the no's, what if all the heartbreak, what if all the disappointments is actually the world's way of pushing you in the direction you're meant to go? It's incredible. That's how life works. So he leaves Delta State University after one semester. He changed colleges, not once, not twice, three times before completing his degree. Initially, he studied economics.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
In other cases, the books themselves have come into my life at a pivotal moment in my life and changed my life for the way that I think. And I'm gonna even recommend a book to you that has brought me so close to my daughters, and it's the kind of book that I never would have picked up without them making the recommendation. Mom, you gotta read this. And so four books today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Then he switched to accounting. He earns a BS, Bachelors of Science, from Mississippi State University in 1977. He was inspired by a Vietnam veteran classmate to pursue law. Now, check this out. When he enrolled in the University of Mississippi School of Law, he intended to be a tax lawyer, but then he shifted to civil litigation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
He graduated in 1981, 10 years before he wrote this book, and he practiced criminal law for nearly a decade in South Haven, Mississippi. That's the exact kind of law that I practiced for the Legal Aid Society in New York City when I graduated from law school. He was also in the House of Representatives in Mississippi. And his first novel was called A Time to Kill.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And he was inspired to write that novel because he witnessed the harrowing testimony of a 12-year-old in 1984. And that's what inspired him to start writing A Time to Kill. Now, check this out. Was it an instant success? Nope. He was rejected from 28 publishers before he published A Time to Kill in 1989. He began writing The Firm immediately afterwards. And holy cow, this is unbelievable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Here's what John Grisham said in an op-ed piece in The New York Times in 2010. Writing was not a childhood dream of mine. I do not recall longing to write as a student. I wasn't sure how to start. Each year from January through March, I was at the state capitol in Jackson, wasting serious time. But now I realized I was also listening to great storytellers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I took a lot of notes, not knowing why, but feeling that someday these tales would come in handy. A Time to Kill didn't sell. I stuck with my day job defending criminals, preparing wills and deeds and contracts. Still, something about writing made me spend large hours of my free time at my desk. I had never worked so hard in my life, nor imagined that writing could be such an effort.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
It was way more difficult than my former jobs of laying asphalt, and at times more frustrating than my former job of selling underwear. But it paid off. Eventually, I was able to leave the law and quit politics. Writing is still the most difficult job I've ever had, but it's worth it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
So The Firm by John Grisham is my final recommendation, not only because it was such an important book for me in 1991, where I felt lost in my career, and it opened my eyes to a whole different possibility. And what's interesting is I didn't think, oh, I could write a book. I just thought, oh, I don't have to practice law.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And just like John Grisham, when I was little, even though I was a voracious reader, I never thought maybe I'll write a book one day. And so I also love this book because I love his backstory. And his backstory, step by step, point by point, proves something that I believe is true, that I fundamentally share with you in any way that I can, which is what we've been talking about today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Your life is preparing you for something extraordinary that hasn't happened yet. And learning how to wake up every day and focus on the power that's inside of you, buoy yourself up by encouraging yourself and embrace the fact that there is a treasure inside of you. There is something uniquely that is yours, that is meant for you, that is contained within you, within this life that you have.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And before we jump into my four books, I wanna tell you a little story about me that might not know. Books have been a huge part of my life forever. I was in this program in my public elementary school that was called Great Books. And it was this program that was like a book club for elementary school students. And the discussions about the books were led by slightly older middle school students.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And I do believe that the universe is nudging you along all the time. And you may be listening right now at a moment in your life where you feel completely stalled out, where you feel like you've just faced nothing but rejection. I promise you, if you hold on to the faith that all of this is preparing you for something extraordinary, it just hasn't happened yet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
If you can reframe all of the painful things, the heartaches, the rejection... into lessons that are trying to teach you something, if you can take every experience that doesn't seem like it adds up, I promise you, I promise you, one of these days off in the future, you are going to wake up and you're going to look back on this moment in your life and you're going to say, oh,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I can see exactly why that happened. I can see exactly what I learned from it. And I can also see that this entire time, the universe was nudging me and trying to push me in the right direction all along. And your job and my job in life is simply to wake up and be present and recognize it when it's happening.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. The reason why I say I love you is because love is a very simple thing. Love is literally just admiring something in someone and having them in mind. And if I go to the books that I recommended in The Alchemist, one is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And see, I admire the fact that you're the kind of person that makes the time to listen to something that makes your life better. I admire that in you. So that's why I say I love you. Because I admire that in you and I have you in mine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And I also tell you that you can create a better life because there is no doubt in my mind that you have the capacity and the capability and the treasure inside yourself to do so. And it is my hope that these four books and the let them theory are going to help you achieve it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days because I'll be waiting to welcome you in to the very next episode the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. I shouldn't have signed books till 2.30 in the morning, 12.30 in the morning. What is going on with my fucking dry mouth today? I do need, we do need food. Holy cow. I got chills. Why is this making me cry? I don't know why this is making me cry.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
How cool is that? Great. Okay. Let me say one more thing. Can you hear me, hon? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Okay, great. Got you. I'm going to take this off because I'm starting to sweat. And I'm glad that you're a part of us. So I'm Mel Robbins. I'm glad you're a part of us. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And I not only loved Great Books, but I became a leader in Great Books when I was in middle school and high school. And so books have been a huge part of my life. I mean, books are just so magical because as you're sitting there reading or listening, and let's just set the record straight, listening to a book counts, okay? I know there's a lot of debate. Oh, well, I'm not really reading a book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Stitcher. This bonus segment is sponsored by Walmart+. If you're ready for a fresh start this spring, how about making life a little better? Whether you're focused on spending more time with family, tightening your budget, or making healthier choices, Walmart Plus is here to help you. It's a paid membership program with tons of benefits. And it's super easy to sign up at plus.walmart.com.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
You get free delivery when you spend at least $35, gas savings, free shipping with no order minimum, and video streaming at no additional cost. It's all designed to save you time and money. Remember a couple months ago? It was New Year's. You know, you were all excited to set your goals, all these resolutions and things that you wanted to do, and then boom, stress got in the way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Or maybe you've been waiting for the perfect time to just get started. And waiting. And waiting. Or perhaps you have a dream and you have had this dream for as long as you can remember, tucked in the back of your mind. You're probably beating yourself up about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Stop beating yourself up because you couldn't stick to the things that you wanted to do or you haven't started on that book you wanted to write or whatever it was. That's not going to help you. Dialing back into those dreams that you have for yourself or those goals that you have for this year, it doesn't have to be overwhelming. You just need to do three simple things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Reframe, refocus, and reprioritize. Step one, reframe. How are you going to think about your goals? Because it's so easy to get stuck in this sort of all or nothing mindset. Oh, I already messed up, so what's the point? You're not going to do that anymore. We're going to reframe. And here it is. Every small action matters. Did you skip your workout? Who cares? Go for a five-minute walk.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
In fact, Harvard researcher Teresa Amabile has written all about this thing called the progress principle, and I live by this. Taking even the tiniest steps forward towards something meaningful for you is one of the most powerful ways for you to stay engaged, motivated, and happy in your life period. You don't have to complete it. You just need to make progress.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Thinking about it or journaling about it or holding space for it in the back of your mind counts. you don't lose any of the ground that you've already gained. So let's just reframe it. Step number two, refocus. So once we've shifted your mindset, now it's time to refocus on why does this change or this goal or this dream matter to you? Not why do you think it should matter?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Because you're not going to do anything about something you think you should do. Why do you want this change? When your reason why is strong, refocusing and following through becomes easier to do. And research by Nick Stwaner at University of California shows that when you tie your goals to your values, you actually enjoy the process and the progress a whole lot more.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Doesn't being pulled towards something sound better than having to drag yourself to it? Of course it does. And that brings you and me to step number three, and that's reprioritize. Instead of feeling paralyzed by all the things that you're trying to change, here's what I want you to do. Pick just one thing. So you may have started the year with all kinds of things that you wanted to change.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
That's nice and all, but you're just one person. What one goal has the strongest pull right now? and just make that your focus. When you try to chase multiple goals at once, they just compete with one another. And then you feel like a failure because you can't do any of them. When you focus on one thing, you will start. And once you start, momentum can take over.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And the next thing you know, you're going to be making progress and you're going to be feeling back in control again. I want to give a huge thank you to Walmart Plus for making this bonus segment possible. Thank you to you for being here and listening all the way to this point, because creating a better life doesn't happen overnight. It's about the small things that add up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
That is not true. There's actually research around what part of your brain that you're using when you read and when you listen. It all counts. But what I love about a great book, don't you, is that you can get lost in a different world. It opens up your perspective. It makes you think differently. It helps you do something that can be very meditative and calming. And so I just love reading.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
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The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And one final thing before I jump into the four books that I'm going to recommend is I have to take a minute and I have to just say thank you. I cannot believe... how much you're loving the Let Them Theory. I mean, I'm just so blown away by it. My daughter, who I wrote this with, Sawyer Robbins, shout out Sawyer Robbins, and I, we are so humbled.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And seeing all of you reading this with your friends, with your families, in your book clubs, recommending it to friends, talking about it online, like it is so cool. People keep asking me, what does it feel like, Mel, to have the number one book in the world? And I'll tell you what it feels like. I just think it's so cool that everybody is excited about a book that can help you change your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
In fact, three million of you have already read, listened to, recommended, gifted, reviewed, discussed, like checked out of your library, the let them theory. And what's so exciting is that you're not only reading it and listening to it, but you're reading it with people you love. You're sharing it. You're talking about it. You're learning from it. You're making videos about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I think it's cool, heck, that in a moment in history where people are spending on average six hours a day on social media, that they're excited about reading again. And to me, that is the coolest thing here, that a book is what everybody's talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
A book and a theory that helps you change your life and a theory that's bringing you closer to people and making you feel peaceful and more powerful is what is in the zeitgeist and trending. And what a wonderful thing. that we're excited about reading again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And so many of you, because of your enthusiasm for the Let Them Theory and how much it's changing your life and your relationships, have written in or like, Mel, what are you reading? What are your favorite books? Like, what should I read next? And so I thought, you know, why don't we just do an episode about some of the books that have changed my life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And these are books that have changed my life for very different reasons. They're in very different genres. They're not all kind of like personal development or mindset or relationship books at all. They're not even that serious for crying out loud, but I think you're going to love them. These are the books that I give as gifts. These are the books that I've read over and over again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
These are books that have come into my life at moments in time where I've really needed the message that's in the book. These are also books where in some cases, the backstory on the author, is so extraordinarily inspiring that just that story alone is something that you're going to be really interested to hear today. And so I've thought a lot about what books have changed my life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I have come up with four books that are completely different from one another that have made a deeply personal and deeply impactful difference in my life. And I cannot wait to share these with you. And before I do, though, I really just want to take a moment and say thank you, for real.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I sat above the garage with my daughter for a year, basically in a cage fight as we were working on the Let Them Theory together. And this is the first time on my podcast that I've talked to you in any detail about the Let Them Theory and what's happened in the wake of publishing this book. This book is a phenomenon.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I mean, it's on track to become one of the most successful nonfiction books of the entire year. Three million copies sold in two and a half months? That doesn't happen. I don't even know what to say. I am so excited that this concept is helping. And the reason why this is selling and so many of you are interested in it is because it works. I mean, you don't recommend a book that you don't love.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
You don't buy a book for other people that hasn't made a difference in your life. And that's the phenomenon of this book, that it's actually making a huge difference.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And to know that what my daughter and I, with the help of our team and the help of publisher at Hay House and Penguin Random House and our partners at Audible and everybody that worked on this and the 94 books, did you know that there are 94 books? that are cited and that were part of the research of me making a case for the let them theory and how to use it in eight different areas of your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I mean, that's how much I love reading. That's how much I love books. I have been a bookworm since I was a little kid. Never in my life did I imagine being an author. So to know that I'm now an author and I'm not only writing books, but the stuff that I'm working on, I can do with my daughter and it's just like the coolest thing ever.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
So thank you for giving me one of the most remarkable experiences of my life to see the lessons and mistakes and the things that I write about that are deeply personal in this book make a huge difference in your life. And the reason why I know that it is goes way beyond... the posts on social media. I want to read some very meaningful things that you've written to us.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
You're making jewelry about it. You're making t-shirts about it. You're making it your own. And that got me thinking. I don't want this book club that we're all in discussing this theory to end. And I don't think you do either because so many of you have written in saying, I just love this so much. Mel, I'm curious, what are some of your favorite books?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
There's two people in particular that I'm going to share today because I think the most exciting thing about this is how it's impacting your relationship with people you care about. And the number of ways that you are using this in your life. We are receiving hundreds of emails every single week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I am blown away by the avalanche of comments of how Let Them and Let Me is changing your life, and more importantly, in my mind. Yes, it gives you instant peace. It gives you instant power. But what I love even more is seeing how it's bringing you closer to people. I want to read you something that Erin wrote in to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Aaron wrote in and said, I bought two copies of The Let Them Theory, one for my mother and one for me. And we both waited to read our book on vacation. And every night, once we settled in, we'd grab our book and start to read. And we kept stopping to discuss the different chapters that both of us could relate to. And we could relate to all the stories that Mel and her daughter Sawyer mentioned.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And, you know, here's the thing. If you haven't read the book, I'm the villain in the book. This book is filled with stories from my life and from my daughter's life. And in almost every one, I'm the jerk. I'm the one that's the control freak. I'm the one that's judgy. I'm the one that's insecure. I'm the one that's jealous.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And what you're going to see in this book and what you probably are seeing, and I think one of the reasons why this is resonating so much is as you read the book, you have these realizations where you're like, oh God, I'm just like Mel was. Oh my God, I do the same thing that she does. Or you have the other realization, which is, oh my God, I have to deal with somebody who was just like Mel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
What a nightmare. Now I know how to let them. And now I know how to say, let me, let me protect my time and energy. Let me show up differently. So the dynamic shifts between us. And another thing that I'm really proud of is that my daughter and I argued day and night about what stories went in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I'd literally be like, well, why don't we talk about this time when dad and I were, and she'd be like, nobody my age cares about that. Why did we argue so much? Because we wanted absolutely every story and every book that was cited and every piece of research to be relevant to your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Because if it's not relevant to your life, then it's just some intellectual nonsense that's a waste of our time. And so we just fought night and day. We did 11 and a half versions of the manuscript. We had teams of people that would sit around and read it with us and dig into the research.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
I discussed the concepts with experts on 19 different podcast episodes before they even made it into the book. I mean, the amount of research and refining and just trying to craft the single best book that we could for one reason, so that it would be entertaining and relevant and impactful to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And so to see it embraced on such a global scale, and more importantly, to see it making a difference in your life, because as Aaron writes, I love Let Them, but what helped open my eyes and my mom's eyes was the let me part of the book. Let me do what I need to do for myself and let me learn how to accept and love the people in my life for who they are instead of trying to change them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Like, what would you recommend that I read after I read The Lethem Theory? What are the books that have changed your life, Mel? Well, today I'm answering that question. I have thought long and hard about this because I'm a voracious reader. I've been a bookworm since I was a little girl. But today, I have got the four books that have changed my life and they're gonna change yours.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Really an eye-opener and life-changing book. Our vacation lasted four days and three nights and the book was finished by the time our trip ended. How freaking cool. That's the other thing that I love about the book. It is such an easy read because it's entertaining because you literally will have so many cringe moments as you're reading the book like, oh my God, Mel, seriously?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
Like you, oh my God, I can't believe you're admitting you feel that way. And honestly, I've done the same thing. And that's the power of this is to see yourself in the pages. And if you can think of any book that you love You love it because it brings you either to a completely different world or it awakens something within you. And that's what's so cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And so with that, let's get into the four books that I want to recommend to you and the reasons why. Because since the Let Them Theory is spread around the world, you are now asking me, I love this book, Mel. What are you reading? What do you recommend? What do you give to people? And so let's jump into the four books that I love.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And the first one that I'm going to recommend to you is The Book of Awakening. It is the 20th anniversary edition that I am holding in my hands. It is written by the extraordinary Mark Nepo. And there are so many reasons why I want to recommend this to you. And I think the first thing that I want to say is that this is the book that I give as a gift more than any other book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
And I think that's an important thing to say to you, that when I'm thinking about a book that I want to give to somebody or I'm going to a dinner party and I want to bring something other than a bottle of wine, I bring a copy of The Book of Awakening. This book is so meaningful to me. I'm struggling to even find the words to explain the profound difference this book has made.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
4 Books That Will Change Your Life
First of all, I've been reading this since 2016, and one of the things that I love about it is it's just short daily meditations that are one to two pages long. And it is broken out by the day of the year. So you literally open up the book, and it's like, oh, July 21st. And here's what I love about that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you hit play because today's conversation is going to, I think it's going to blow your mind. See, right now, you and I are part of this game that's going on, and you don't even know about the game. And this game that you and I are playing, it's changing how your brain works.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And see, the reality is that you and I have been tricked into participating in and being used for a game that you and I didn't even know we were playing. You know, you and I look at the phone and we're like, oh, this is great. This is really great. I love this. I can connect with people. And it is great. But if you don't realize that you've been lured into something
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
For the sole purpose that you might buy something or that you might stay a little longer so that somebody can make money on you, then you are stepping into a game and you will always lose. And I'm going to give you a couple examples.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Number two, when you change the way you look at the world, you're going to get energy back. Number three, when you change the way you look at the world, you're going to get your ability to enjoy your life back. Because here's what's gonna change. You're not gonna be wasting all your dopamine on your phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
So have you ever gotten off an airplane and you get off an airplane, like especially if you land in a new country or you're going somewhere where there's like Orlando, you're going to go to Disney World. When you get off that plane, they purposefully move
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
move you through a section of the airport where there's all kinds of stuff to buy and the hallways are really little so that all you do is see stuff to buy and here's another example have you ever been to a museum and when you get out of the exhibit where do they put you they put you in the gift store and they don't just put you in the gift store by the exit they force you to walk through the whole thing and see all this kind of stuff why are they doing that
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
They are doing that because they're trapping you in a place where they have your attention in the hopes that if they put stuff in front of you, you're going to buy it. And the longer that you stay in there, which is why it takes a long time to walk through it. You know who else does this? IKEA. Have you ever tried to get out of an IKEA store for crying out loud quickly? You can't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
They make you literally walk two miles through every single display. Why? because they're trying to hold your attention. The longer that you're in there, the more likely you're going to see something that you buy. The more time that you spend in there, the more money they make. And they're not doing this because they're mean. They're doing this because they're a for-profit company.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
The same thing is true about the phone. And that's why, number one, My number one goal today, there's a number of things I want to teach you, is I want you to wake up and understand that if you don't see the game, you don't understand the rules, you're going to lose the game. Full stop. Full stop. That's why you're screwing yourself over.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
It's because you don't understand the larger context of your phone and headlines. That's why they're sensational. I mean, that's why the news reads like the world is falling apart. Because if you think it's scary, if you're worried and your emotions start to get all jacked up, you're more likely to click.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
That's why the world and the internet and social media, they're designed on purpose to steal your attention. And that's why we have gotten to a point in the world where we are all losing the game of attention. And you lose first and foremost by not even realizing that you're actually playing a big game. And here's the thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You know, I should say right off the bat, I have a lot of mixed feelings about this because on one hand, I do believe that the phone and internet and social media, these are extraordinary tools. They are extraordinary tools to connect, to share your art, to market your business. to be self-expressed. They're extraordinary tools to get information, to learn, to grow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And once you learn how big tech is using you, you, my friend, are gonna stop losing this game and you're gonna turn the tables and you're gonna win it. Because instead of being a tool for big tech to make money, you're gonna learn how to have boundaries with your phone and how to use technology as a tool to help you achieve your goals and to make your life better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You can connect with people all around the world. I mean, they are incredible. The reason why I can connect with you right now from above my garage in Southern Vermont, you're maybe halfway around the world, is because of technology, because of the phone, because of the internet, because of social media. So yes, they are extraordinary tools, but only if you use it as a tool, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
See, it's a great tool if every time you reach for this tool, You recognize you're the one who's using it intentionally as a tool. And here's the problem. The problem is you and I became the tool. Mm-hmm. We weren't paying attention. We were busy living our lives. We were enjoying laughing about the things that we saw on the internet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And slowly what started to happen is we started spending more and more and more time on our phones. I mean, just to put this in perspective, the first iPhone was released in 2007. So we're talking like almost 20 years ago. And over the years, like when this first thing like started and we all had it for the first five, 10 years, whatever, it wasn't on your person all the time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You aren't texting all the time. You aren't on social media all the time. But something kind of creepy has happened over the last couple years. Absolutely everybody is on their phone all the time. It's like some sort of addictive substance has been pumped into the oxygen that we're all breathing. And now we're all like, oh, well, wake up. Look at the phone. Always look at the phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I got to have the phone on me. We're all doing it. And so I, today, I really want to share all this information with you. And you can tell that I'm very passionate about this. I'm passionate about it because, you know, everybody is quick to go, social media sucks, the internet sucks, you know, big tech sucks. And on some level, you're right, it does.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
But part of the problem is simply blaming social media and blaming the internet and blaming the phone. It doesn't highlight what's actually going on. And I said that I had mixed feelings about this because I do. I do see the good. I see the good that the phone and the internet and connection and social media and videos and information and tools that are powered by AI, I see the good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I mean, this is one of those conversations, I get so fired up about this, I think you can tell this, that you're going to want to share this with absolutely everybody that you care about that has a smartphone, which is everybody that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
But here's the problem. If you don't understand that you're supposed to use this as a tool, you become the tool. You become a tool in a larger game that big tech built, that the internet is fueling, and it is a game that is built, designed, and it is engineered. to make you lose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Like I literally look at the phone and I'm like, okay, it's like the Hunger Games and I'm the tribute that's volunteered and I'm now stepping into the arena anytime I pick this up and it's a fight for my life. And if you don't understand this, you're literally screwing yourself over. It's like walking into the Hunger Games arena thinking that you're just kind of going on a camping trip.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
No, you're not. Like, seeing what it is is the most important way to protect yourself. Seriously, I want you to look at your phone and go, oh my gosh, I'm like stepping into the Hunger Games arena right here. And only one person is going to get out alive. It's either me or it's the billion people that are inside this arena that are trying to claw for my attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I want to paint it in such dramatic ways because have you ever stopped and considered that this device is using you. That it is a device that uses you. It listens to you. It follows you. It dynamically changes what it shows you. It is constantly pushing stuff in your face to click on or to purchase or to watch. And why is it doing that? I'll tell you why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
So if you're ready to stop letting your brain be hijacked by big tech and by your phone, then you are in the right place because I'm about to change the way you see the world. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here, and I'm also so excited about the conversation today. This is a topic I am absolutely passionate about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Because there's money to be made on you. And so I want you to be very clear that every time you pick this thing up, that you are stepping into the Hunger Game ring. That's what's happening. And if you pick up the device with eyes wide open, guess what happens? You're no longer the tool. You're no longer the one that is going to lose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You are picking up this device knowing full well what you're walking into, and you're going to be smart about what you use this for rather than allowing it to use you, which is what's happened. And I think this is why when we look at everybody around us, we get so frustrated. Because you can see that your kids and your partner and your roommates, they've all turned into zombies.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I mean, how many times have you been sitting around with your friends from college and everybody's on their phone and you're thinking, why did we even get together this weekend if we're all just going to sit around on our phones? Well, that can end now. It can end now because what you're seeing when you see people zoning out is you're seeing that the attention economy has won.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You're seeing that they've stepped into the arena and they're losing the game. You're seeing that the intentional design of the phone is actually winning. And that's one of the reasons why I think it's so important to call out the fact that this is all by design and it's all based for money. That's what it's for.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And the reason why this is important is because I think it's easy to aim your frustration at your kids or to aim it at other people or to aim it at your partner, that you're frustrated that they're always on their phone and they're never present with you. Well, the fact is they're losing a game that they don't even realize they're playing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I want you to start there because blaming other people and being upset with them isn't going to solve the problem. Understanding the larger context is the first step to going and looking at your phone and being like, ugh, ick. Like, how cool would it be if you had the ick about your phone? All right, let's take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
But don't go anywhere because you and I have so much more to unpack when we return. So stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy, Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about changing the game we're playing when it comes to our phone and being a part of the attention economy. It's time for you to stop losing the game and start winning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And the first key to winning is actually understanding that you're in a game at all, understanding the rules of the game, understanding the cost of playing this game and not having a really important strategy in place. And that brings me to the next thing that I want to talk to you about, which is this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Technology and social media and the phone and internet and AI, all this stuff is a wonderful thing if you understand it's meant to be used as a tool. But if you don't understand the larger context that I'm painting for you, that your phone is designed to make money off of you, and it makes more money off of you the longer you spend on it. If you don't understand that, then you are going to lose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And this isn't just social media. I mean, this is happening with AI too. Like, you know, and what's kind of crazy about this is, you know, let me tell you some of the lies that are happening with AI right now. I think this is kind of scary. Like, I literally was talking with my team the other day, and I don't even remember what we were talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Oh, like, I guess if you Google my name, which I don't do, but if you Google, is Mel Robbins divorced, right? Go to Google and you go, is Mel Robbins divorced? Do you know, you know how when you Google something now, AI generates a answer? And what's scary about AI is that it's generating answer from stuff that's out on the internet. And since there's no internet police,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
The amount of random, disgusting, horrible lies that are out on the internet about everybody and everything, it's kind of terrifying. And now we're stepping into a world where we think chat GPT is right. We think open AI is giving us the best answer. No, no, no, no. They're just aggregating what's out there and serving up something. So if you go and you type in, is Mel Robbins divorced?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
AI is going to tell you I'm divorced. It literally says Mel Robbins is divorced. And then you want to know what it does? It serves up a link to a podcast episode of my podcast where I am giving someone advice who is going through a divorce. So AI has aggregated information that's out there, randomly assembled it, and served it up as the truth about me. It's not true. It's not true.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I have so much to share with you, to teach you, to have you just really, it's the kind of conversation that just makes you look amazing. at the world and what's possible differently. And so let me just start by saying thank you for being here. It is always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Like anybody can make up anything about anybody and it's now out there. And so I say this because you have to understand, and I have very mixed feelings about technology, about the internet. And one of the reasons why I'm so successful is because I understand technology. I use it as a tool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I have also become more successful in having boundaries with my phone, not because I'm reading research reports and not because I'm doing the things that the experts tell us to do. I have better boundaries with my phone because I understand the manipulative nature of the attention economy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
and the way that this phone and the internet is programmed to keep you sucked into it, because the longer you spend on it, the more money some stranger makes off of you. It's true. It's absolutely true. And so if you want to spend seven hours a day consuming things on your device, Just be clear, somebody is making a ton of money on you. And you're telling yourself that you're just wasting time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Nope, you're not just wasting time, you're actually making people money. Because that's what this is really about. The more time you spend on social media, the more money big tech and influencers make. And I'm gonna tell you something else, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. This is sort of like saying to somebody, it's your fault that you're addicted to cigarettes. No, it's not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You had an addictive substance marketed to you as if it was gonna improve your life because it looks like fun. And now you feel bad because you can't stop smoking even though you don't really enjoy it and you've got this horrible cough and you got all these people judging you because you're still doing it and you feel ashamed of it, but it's not your fault. It's designed to be addictive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Same thing with alcohol. Alcohol is marketed to you and me as if it's required for a celebration, as if it does make your life better. And so if you have trouble cutting back or having just one drink or drinking less, that's not your fault. The substance and the industry has designed it that way so that you keep doing it. And when you start from that level that it's actually not your fault...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Now you have a fighting chance to look at this device and to look at the way that you consume media with very black and white eyes. And so the more time you spend on social media, the more money big tech and influencers make. So let me just ask you a couple of questions. When's the last time you saw posts that were of your friends on Instagram? Like for real, when's the last time?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And if you are a new listener, I also want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am glad that you're here. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. Even though we may not have met in real life yet,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
If you're like me, I never see my friends or my kids online, ever. And I've even gone and kind of clicked them as my close friends, right? Which I thought meant I would see them more. No, you know what I see? I see ads. Almost every other thing that comes in my feed is a suggested for you, so it's something getting served up, or it's a shop now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And then what ends up happening, and it might happen to you because you're listening to this podcast and you may follow me online. And if you do follow me and you happen to watch one reel, you know what's going to happen? They're going to keep serving up my content to you. Why? Because the machines that are trying to keep you on it, remember, you're in the Hunger Games.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Remember, you're in the arena. They're going to serve up more of the things that I make to you Because they now think you like it. And within a week, you're going to start going, God, does Mel ever sleep? I mean, it's like all I see is her all over. That is the arena. Because it's trying to keep you on it. This, to me, is manipulation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
If this were an altruistic platform, you know what social media would do? It would just show you what people post in a linear timeline when they post it. And it would show you just as many posts from the rock as it shows you your friends and family. But see, that's why I'm trying to tell you, you're the tool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Like you and I go onto the phone and we think, oh, I'm gonna go on social media and just pass a little bit of time and I'm gonna have some fun. Be careful. You can certainly do that. But this is going to try to manipulate you. Like, it's just like being in Vegas. If you've ever been in a casino, in order to get to any of the restaurants or to get to the elevators, what do you have to do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You have to walk through the casino. And what is in the casino? It's bright lights, it's bells, it's whistles, it's all this stuff trying to manipulate you so that you engage with it. See, whenever you're bored now, you pick up your phone. Whenever the movie's not that interesting, you pick up your phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Whenever the teacher in front of the class isn't saying something that interesting, you look at your phone. When you're lying in bed and you're having trouble going to sleep, you look at your phone. If you're sitting at a stoplight, you're looking at your phone. Heck, if you're honest with yourself, you're probably looking at it as you're driving.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
As you're sitting on an airplane, you're looking at the phone. As you're sitting in a meeting, you've got your phone like kind of beneath the table and you're checking it out every once in a while. It has snuck up on you and it did it on purpose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I know that you're the kind of person who probably doesn't have a lot of free time, but you've made time to listen to this because you value how you spend your time. And that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about time, and we're going to talk about a particular kind of lane on it that's really important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And that's why I need you and me and everybody that you care about that you're going to send this to, to actually wake up and recognize that this is not here because it wants to help you. It's here to make money on you. You know, the sad thing about the time that we live in right now is I feel like everything's that way. Politics. Politics is now entertainment. Headlines, same way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
The scarier it is, the more you're going to keep checking them. And if you want to see how much of a tool you've become, just check your screen time. Like, not even as a way to make you wrong, but see, I don't think... any of us realize how this has crept up on us?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And after just considering that you live in the attention economy and considering that everything is designed to keep you on it so that they make money, you got to recognize that because the rules have changed, you got to change your rules with how you play the game. and you got to see it for what it is, and you got to take your power back, and you got to go, ick, I'm not going to be an idiot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I'm not going to allow them to just keep me trapped in this stuff so they make money. I'm going to get in, and then I'm going to get out. And that's how I think about this. How can I use this device and social media and the internet to actually help me achieve my goals? How can I use this as a tool, as it's designed to be used to benefit me instead of me being the tool?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And my use of it benefiting them. Do you see what I'm saying? Like being smarter about it allows you to change how you engage with it. And that's why I want you to think about this. Because that brings me to the second really important thing about understanding that you live in the attention economy. Your attention and time is for sale. and the world is designed to steal it from you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
That's why you're tired. That's why you spend too much time on your phone. That's why you spend too many evenings just mindlessly watching one thing after the other thing, because the game is designed for you to lose. So now that you accept that, and I hopefully have given you the eww factor, And I've woken you up to the fact that you do have power. These are amazing tools.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You got to step into the arena, get what you need, and then get out. The second thing I really want to highlight for you and for everybody that you're going to share this with is that there's a huge cost to playing the game. a huge cost.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And the thing that you're about to hear, because I wanted an expert to explain this to you, because when I heard this from a guy by the name of Dr. K, he goes by the Healthy Gamer Online, he is a Harvard-trained psychiatrist,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
who specializes in gaming addiction, and he's also a neuroscientist and psychiatrist who has taught me more about the circuitry in the brain and motivation in a way that I truly understand better than anybody else that I've ever met or read or studied in my entire life. And you're going to hear from Dr. K right after the break. So don't go anywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
This is literally one of the best parts of our conversation today is what he's about to teach you. And while you're listening to our sponsors, make sure you share this with everyone that you know, because everyone needs to understand how to win the game and how not to be the tool, but to flip the game on its head and start winning and using it as a tool. Alrighty, don't go anywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
See, you and I and every single person that you know is screwing themselves over right now when it comes to time, when it comes to energy, when it comes to attention. And there's a reason why we keep doing this to ourselves. And here's why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Dr. K is coming up next. Stay with me. Welcome back, it's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about the phone, how it's designed to steal your time. You are learning that you're in the attention economy, and you and I, we are single-handedly going, nope, nope, I'm not losing this game, I'm understanding the game, and I am going to learn how to play it and how to win.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And one of the things that's gonna motivate you to win this game and to change how you show up and to change why you need to show up is understanding the true cost of what it's costing you. Now, we've already talked about time. We've already talked about energy. We've already talked about how you're being used and manipulated. Now, I want to talk about a really important cost, and that's dopamine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Now, dopamine is just a fancy word. You hear it all the time, but it has a very important function in your life. According to the experts that I've been talking to on the Mel Robbins podcast and the research that I do, dopamine is essential for your mood, for motivation, for drive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And one person that has taught me more about dopamine, what it is, why it's important, the connection to mood and motivation is Harvard-trained psychiatrist, Dr. Alec Kenosha. You may know him as Dr. K. He goes by The Healthy Gamer online. He has millions of followers on YouTube. His specialty is in how the brain works, addiction, motivation, changing behavior. He's an absolute genius.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And when he shared with me What's happening to your brain when you are just handing your time right over to the phone, particularly in the morning, this was the information that truly motivated me to completely change my relationship with my phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Got it. So if I have a cup... of capacity for both pleasure and behavioral reinforcement, you're saying that when you wake up, that one cup is already full?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
It's because you don't realize that the world that you now live in and big tech, and in particular, let me grab my phone right now, I'm going to grab my phone, that your phone is is now designed for a singular purpose. You ready? It is designed to steal your time and attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
So in other words, if you tap into technology and it invades your circuitry and your brain, it literally is like squeezing most of the juice out of the lemon first thing in the morning. First thing in the morning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And then that means that it's also going to impact your ability to do the work or to focus or to feel joy and all those things that normally, if you did those things first, you'd feel a sense of reward and joy for.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
All righty. I want to make sure that you really understand the weight of what Dr. K is trying to teach you and me because when he shared that with me, it was such an enormous wake-up call that really helped me connect the dots. And the whole purpose of our conversation today is to give you a reason why you
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
you need better boundaries with your phone and tech, that you have to use it as a tool and you've got to stop allowing big tech and social and the phone to turn you into the tool. And so what Dr. K just said is that you've got all of this dopamine reserve and dopamine circuitry in your brain and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And you've probably heard that word, but I don't know if you're like me, I'm constantly forgetting what these big words mean. But dopamine is related to your drive, it's related to motivation, it's related to pleasure. And what Dr. K is saying is that when you wake up first thing in the morning, you're ready to go. The gas tank in the brain, in terms of dopamine, it's full.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
The circuitry is ready to go. It is primed and there to help you experience pleasure, to help you move toward things that give you meaning in your life. And then you and I make a really dumb mistake because we don't recognize the game that we're in. We make this mistake first thing in the morning of picking up the phone. And then we get on social media. And then we read the headlines.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Everybody can market everything about connection and all the wonderful things about your phone and the internet and social media. And it's true. There's a lot of wonderful things about your phone. But the number one thing that this phone is designed to do is it is designed to steal your time and attention. And this is a really big deal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And when you step into that arena, in the words of Dr. K, technology and the phone and social media, it's like taking the lemon that represents the dopamine and squeezing all the juice out. So that by the time you start your day, if you spent too long on your phone, You've literally drained the dopamine tank simply by stepping into the arena and allowing yourself to be turned into a tool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And now for the rest of the day, you're playing catch up. This is why everything seems dull. This is why you don't really feel the drive. This is why your mood is kind of low and you're a little numb.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And this also then means that at the end of the day, when you're done at school or you're done at work and you get home and you're done feeding the dogs and making dinner and you collapse on the couch, all you want to do because you've got no dopamine left and you're not really feeling much of anything and you're exhausted is what? Pick this thing up again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And you enter the arena and you make people more money and then you just feel worse. And I want to give you a little test to really just highlight for you why the phone is designed the way it's designed. Have you ever turned your phone to the grayscale feature? It's pretty unbelievable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
When you move your phone to grayscale, it is going to be so startling that you don't even need to hear research about this. But I do have research, and this research is unbelievable. There was a study done between Cornell and researchers at IE University in Madrid all about grayscale.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
When people like you and me just switch the phone to black and white and grayscale, it reduces your daily screen time by 50 minutes. 50 minutes. And you could use those 50 minutes, right? I mean, I know I could use those 50 minutes. I want you to intentionally try to turn your phone to grayscale. I'm not even going to ask that you leave it on grayscale.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I'm going to ask that you just try to find it, which even as I'm talking to you, I can't freaking find it on my phone. That's how they've hidden this. But when you ultimately get your phone to grayscale, you're going to look at it and be like, well, that's not fun to look at. Oh, all those influencers don't look so tan and amazing and fabulous when it's on grayscale.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Oh, like this isn't that neat to be in. It's sort of like the same way a casino is bright and shiny and loud and you have to walk through it and you can't find the elevators, which means you stay in it long enough. Because when you strip away the colors, your phone is very boring.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
It's literally the difference between watching a movie that is 100% AI driven where somebody's arm twists into a snake and then it morphs into a cheetah. And it's just this absolutely unbelievable visual just craziness versus thinking about the original Frankenstein movie.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
that was black and white and amazing at the time, but you're just now looking at it like, is that my uncle dressed up in a suit for my party? I mean, that thing's pretty terrible. You can barely even watch it. And the reason why I'm saying this is because when you strip away the colors on your phone, you're going to get the chills.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Because I think beautiful design is something that's exciting to see.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
But holy cow, when you just strip away all the bells and whistles, you'll now see your phone for what it should be, which is a tool, a tool you can use to get work done, a tool you can use to connect with people you care about, a tool that you can use to search for information that you need that makes you smarter, a tool that you can use to market. But boy, oh boy, does it not
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
By the time you and I are done talking today, you will never actually look at your phone the same way again. And this is important because you do need to change the way that you look at your phone. I'm going to explain that the world and tech and the phone and social media, holy cow, in the last five years, it has completely changed. And you and I need to have a huge wake-up call.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
make you want to stay on this thing because it's super boring. And the reason why I'm telling you this now is because if it's super boring and sort of like, ugh, why would I want to use that? I don't want to hang out with an Excel spreadsheet all day. I mean, this is like, what? You'll also realize what Dr. K is saying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
All the pretty colors and the moving things and the pop-ups here and the thing over there and the scrolling that you're doing It's very stimulating. And it's also draining your dopamine, which is keeping you on there. And that means it's draining the reserves that you need for motivation and pleasure for the important things in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And that brings me to another thing that I want to add to this conversation. So we've already talked about the fact that you've got to wake up and recognize that you live in the attention economy and that tech is designed to steal your attention and that you've become unknowingly and without consent unknowingly. a tool in someone else's game, and the game is let's make money on you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
So that's ick number one. Ick number two is that it's not just making other people money. It's actually costing you something important. It's costing you your dopamine reserves. That first thing in the morning when you look at this stuff and you expose yourself to this arena that you're stepping in where it's designed to make you lose, You're not just losing time and attention and energy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You're also losing your dopamine. It's like that lemon hard squeeze gone. And it's not your fault. The whole game is rigged. And that's why you feel how you feel. And you know, the really awful part about all this is that it keeps you on it and addicted to it. Because if you're getting that hard squeeze on the lemon by looking at bright and shiny things, guess what?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You're going to keep going back to it, just like people keep going back to cigarettes and they keep going back to slot machines and they keep going back to alcohol. Because the game itself and the device and substance itself is designed to do this to you. And that's why it's not your kid's fault. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
But we have a responsibility to ourselves to wake up and recognize what's happening so that when the world that you see changes, You change the way you see the world and you change the way that you show up. Wayne Dwyer said that. And it's time to change the way that you show up. Because the third thing I want to tell you is that it's actually already changed your brain.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
This is not just a problem for the kids and the high schoolers and the college kids in your life. Most of us just don't realize that it's happened to us too. For example, this is when I really first started to notice it for me personally.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
As I said earlier, I've understood the attention economy and I've both understood it because I've been sucked into it and I also understand it because I'm an entrepreneur and I'm in the media business. But for me personally, this really started to hit me a couple of years ago when I just started to practice being in line at a grocery store and not checking my phone. It's a very hard thing to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
It's changing how you live your life. And here's what I want to ask you. Have you ever thought to yourself, gosh, I wish I wasn't on my phone so much. I wish I wasn't constantly wasting time scrolling. I wish I had more time to do the things that I really want to do and to be present with the people that I love. And I wish they were present for me. Well, I got news for you. You're not alone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I want you to try this. Like just like you tried the grayscale, the next time you're standing in line, you're standing at a hardware store, you're standing at a checkout line at a little corner store, I want you to not look at your phone. Like keep it in your pocket or in your back pocket or in your purse. And here's what you're going to notice. You get fidgety.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You feel this sense that you need to look at it. you're gonna feel yourself looking around and you're gonna notice everybody else that's standing in line, unless they're talking to a child, they literally are looking at their phones. And then when you see other people looking at their phones, you are gonna start to really feel like you need to be looking at your phone. This is a sign
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Because when I paint the picture of what this phone is actually designed to do, it's going to change your motivation for how you use it and when you use it. And, you know, I've been talking about this topic. It's called the attention economy. for years. I mean, I've been traveling the world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
that all of this intentional programming and engineering is working because it's changed the wiring in your brain and it's made you want and crave something that you don't need. You know, another example is, can you watch television without having your phone nearby? Like how quickly, when the series that you're watching gets slow, do you reach for your phone? I'll give you one more, one more.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
This is the big one. Do you lay in bed and look at your phone? Does the idea of even going to bed without your phone nearby make you feel agitated? And this is not just a problem for teenagers. I have a really close friend of mine who was telling me that they're very worried about their father because he, since retiring, has become addicted to his iPad.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Like he literally sits with it and rocks as he's watching it all day. He goes to bed with it. The man is 80 years old. It is creating huge problems in his marriage of 45 years. And everybody's kind of relating to it like he's got a problem. This is his problem. He's addicted to a thing that's actually designed to be addictive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And you're watching your father pull away from life while other people make more and more and more money on him. That's what's happening. And if you can't see that for yourself, that the game is rigged to keep you playing, that's why you feel these things. That's why you and I stay longer on our phones than we intend to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
That's why eventually you open up your wallet and you're clicking shop now and you're buying all this stuff that you didn't intend to. And while this is not good news, that it's engineered to change you and keep you addicted and these small examples that I'm pointing out are evidence that it's true.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
The good news is that your brain has something called neuroplasticity, which I'm sure is a word that you've heard. It's just a fancy word that means your brain can change. It's bendy. It can create new connections. Just like your brain learned that it needs the phone to go to bed, it can learn that it doesn't go to bed with the phone. You can retrain your brain.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You can train your brain to see the phone and go, ick, just like an old boyfriend or girlfriend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You know, have you ever had a relationship in the past where, or a friend that you were super, super close with and then you started to kind of feel like, oh, I've spent a little bit too much time with them, but you keep spending time with them and then all of a sudden something happens and you're like, ick, ugh, ugh. That's what I want you to feel about the phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
That's what I want you to feel every time you play the Hunger Games and you step into the arena that is social media, AI, or the internet. I want you to see it for what it is. Because when you see the game for what it is, you can actually now play the game and win. And that brings me to the final thing, what to do. What do you do? What do you do now that you hopefully have the ick?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You and I may just be kind of getting to know each other through the Mel Robbins podcast, but for almost a decade, I spent most of my career traveling around the world and speaking at huge events, being put on by some of the biggest brands in the world, talking about all kinds of things from behavior change to motivation. And a really big topic has been
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And if you're younger and you're listening to this and you still have aspirations of having an online business and you still have aspirations of becoming an influencer or a YouTuber, that's great. You can do whatever you want with your life, but you will make more money and be more successful if you go into those professions understanding that this is a tool,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
that your phone is a device and that you don't collapse who you are and the meaning in your life with your ambition and job and wanting to use the tool for marketing or learning how to make money online. It's an incredible thing to do. And if you're listening to me and you're a realtor or you have a side hustle, you should be using the phone and the internet and social media as a tool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
But what's gonna make you wildly successful is understanding that you're the one in charge. And here's what you're gonna do. And I'm almost embarrassed to give you the advice, right? Because you already know the advice. But the thing about advice is it's easy to know what to do, you know, because we've all been told you got to have less screen time, right? You got to spend less time on the phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Okay, thanks, Sherlock. I think I'm aware of that. Now that Mel has explained attention economy and the fact that I've been losing the game and the fact that this is designed to steal my time and the fact that I'm losing dopamine and that my brain has been rewired, now I have a reason why. I actually want to do something. And so I'm just going to give you the things that have mattered to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Because there's lots of things that you can do, but there's really one major thing that I think is super important. And that is boundaries. I want you to have very clear boundaries with your phone. And the only thing that has helped me is physical separation. I've tried to limit the screen time and to put the timers on. I just suspend the notifications.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I have moved my apps from the home screen to pages in. It just ends up making me scroll more. For real. The grayscale and going black and white, that's a big deal because it's not that fun to be on the phone and it reminds you that this is utility-based. rather than addiction and a time waster.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
But the biggest boundary that's really worked for me is physical separation, not having the phone on your body. Because I'm just like you are. I have a need for the phone. I'm addicted to the phone. I recognize that. So if it's in my hand or on my body, I will look at it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And so physical acts of separation have made a big difference in my ability to establish boundaries and not casually enter the arena. So what does that look like? Well, the biggest boundary that I have, I talk about it a lot. And so you may have heard me say this, but again, this is a daily boundary I have to set. I don't take the phone into bed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
at night, as hard as it is, I charge my phone in the bathroom because if this phone were next to me, I would reach for it, full stop. I would. So I make it very difficult to reach for it by having it separated from me. That's number one. Number two is I leave my phone typically on my desk. Now, I have my phone in my hand. If you're watching on YouTube, you've seen me holding this thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
understanding the way that technology and the phone in particular is designed to steal your attention and your focus. Because you and I now live in what's called the attention economy. And this is important for you to understand. It's important for your middle schoolers to understand, for your high schoolers, for the 20-somethings.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
It's got a bright pink case all day long. If I'm during work hours, I keep my phone on my desk. And I try not to have it on my person because if it's at my desk and then I go to a meeting, I'm not checking it. If it's at my desk and I'm doing some work, I'm not really looking at it. If it's on my body, I'm looking at it. Another thing that I do, here's another physical boundary.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
When I'm out taking a morning walk in particular, my phone is zipped in my fanny pack. Yes, I have a fanny pack. The dog treats are in there. But it's in my fanny pack or it's in a back pocket if I don't have that on me or it's in a zipped pocket so that I'm not... engaged with it. I'm actually present with my surroundings. I don't walk and hold it because why? I'll look at it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Another boundary that's been a really important one for our family is we do not allow phones at the dinner table, period. Whether we're at home, whether we're at a restaurant, they're not allowed even resting on the table. They are on your person, like in a pocket, or they are in your bag. And it's made a big difference in just encouraging meaningful conversations and connections.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And the more you do that, the more you're going to dedicate time to hobbies, to interests, to actually building the business, to doing the art, to marketing what you're working on, instead of being the one that's being marketed to. And that's what's available to you. It's time for you and I to wake up and be smart about what's actually happening.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And instead of being used by them, how about you and I turn the tables and we use them to achieve our goals and to make our lives a little bit better. Go look at everybody that you follow, all the accounts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I promise you, you're going to realize you only see the same five accounts over and over and over again because they're the ones that the social media platforms are serving to you because they think you're going to stay on longer. And that means they're going to make more money. But if you are following somebody, you're giving them access to your brain and your attention, and that has value.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And so what I want you to do is audit who has access to that. If the accounts that you're following do not give positive input, they don't make you laugh, they don't make you a better person, they don't make you feel good, delete, unfollow, because it is a privilege for that account to be able to show up in your feed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And when you start treating the input as a tool, like who can I follow that's going to make me better? What accounts can I follow in order to grow and achieve my goals? When you use it proactively that way, you're not actually stepping into the arena waiting to be killed by everybody and waiting to be a tool in everybody else's game to make money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
you're actually stepping into the arena and selectively seeking out allies that now can help you achieve your goals and win the game. That's going to change all the time. And look, if you follow me and I'm not lifting you up, do not follow me. That's how much I want you to truly honor your attention. I want you to really look at it like a gift.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Heck, if you've got aging parents that are now addicted to their iPad or their phone, it's important for them to understand. We live in a whole new world. We live in what's called the attention economy. Now, what does that mean? Here's what it means. It means your attention is for sale.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And the way that you win is by putting up a gate between you and who's allowed to put input into your brain. That's how I think about the accounts that I follow. Are you actually making me better? Are you lifting me up? Are you teaching me things or am I following you out of guilt or just because I followed you 10 years ago or because we went to college together?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
That's not what I'm doing in this arena. I'm looking for allies that make me better and that's what I want you doing too. And you can curate your social media feed to uplift you rather than just constantly be staring at people that are trying to sell you something or bragging about their life or making you jealous of what they're doing. Get rid of those because all that negativity impacts you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And there's one final thing that I think is super interesting that I want to unpack for you because it brings us full circle and really helps you embrace the gravity of what's happened in the last five years and why this isn't your fault, but how waking up and recognizing the attention economy and how it's impacted you has also robbed you of a lot of meaning in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I want to start that conversation by sharing a little bit of research with you that I found to be really important. And this comes from a study that was done by researchers in China. And they were looking at different interventions that could reduce symptoms of internet addiction.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
So everything that we're talking about here, spending too much time on your phone, too much time on social media, too much time online. And what they found, this was published in the Journal of Addictive Behavior, is that one intervention that had very strong effects on reducing symptoms of internet addiction was exercise. Now, it begs the question, why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Why would introducing exercise reduce addictive behavior online? Well, there's an important reason why. Moving your body is an important way to positively and naturally squeeze that little juice of dopamine. It puts you in a better mood.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And have you ever noticed that if you ever go out for a hike or you do a pickup soccer game or you're playing a set of pickleball, you don't have any interest in looking at your phone because you're engaged in the physical activity. Like if I'm ever out skiing, I'm not skiing down a mountain looking at my phone because I'm moving my body and I'm connected to the environment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And so this is an important thing to understand because I think what's happened is as the rules of the game have changed, we didn't realize that the phone has turned into Hunger Games and that it's designed for us to lose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
That it's created this self-fulfilling negative loop where the more time you spend on the phone, the less time you spend exercising or connecting with friends or doing the things that bring your life meaning like gardening and painting and picking up the guitar. All those things that lift you up naturally. You're not doing them. Why? Because you don't have time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
That the time that you spend watching media, scrolling through your phone, tapping on certain things, buying things that you don't need, that everybody is making money off of your attention and your time. that you don't have to get on your phone and buy something for people to make money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You're tired, you're exhausted, and all of this is a result of the freaking phone and social media. So just as it sapped you and sucked you in over the last five years and you spend more and more and more and more and more time on it, it has left you more and more and more drained.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
more blah, more tired, and with less time, which means you don't have the time or the energy to do the things that gave your life true meaning. And that's the most important epiphany of all, is that here you and I are sitting there at the end of a long workday making ourselves wrong because we're exhausted and overwhelmed and stressed out, And we now just spent two to three hours doom scrolling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
We've blown past our bedtime. We feel bad that we just wasted that time. And then we wake up tomorrow and instead of going out for a walk or changing our habits, we just pick up the phone again and squeeze all the juice and the dopamine's gone again. And here we are trapped in this trap. And my huge, huge number one thing is this is not your fault.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
The system's designed to do this to you, which is why you and I need to wake up and we need to recognize that the phone and social media is now the Hunger Games that you and I became a tool, that it stole everything for us, but we do not have to live like that. And big tech and the phone and social, it's not going to change. In fact, it's going to get worse.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And so now's the time to understand that this can be a tool. It can be a tool for good, for connection, for growth, for learning, for art, for making great money, for making a difference in the world. It can be a tool for all kinds of amazing things. but only if you use it at that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And so the more boundaries that you create with this, the more you put it on grayscale, the more you keep it off your person, the more you look at it and go, ugh, I'm not stepping into the arena. Now that I see what it is, I'm not gonna do that to myself. What you're gonna get back is kind of extraordinary. Number one, you're going to get time back. Number two, you're going to get energy back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Number three, you're going to get your dopamine reserves back, which means your mood is going to get boosted and your energy is going to get lifted. And so is your optimism and your excitement.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And you're going to recognize, wow, there's a lot of other things that I'd like to be doing with my life and the time that I have other than just giving it over to big tech so other people can make money on me. So thank you, thank you, thank you for hitting play. And thank you for sharing this with everybody in your life that you care about that has a phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Like, I think this is one of those conversations that I truly hope travels around the world to everybody. Because waking up and understanding what's happening and seeing where you are not at fault, but you've lost a little of your power also helps you take that power back. because you do have power.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I am so excited to see what happens in your life when you start using your phone and social media and the internet for good, because you can. And in case no one else tells you this, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You simply sitting on your phone and mindlessly scrolling and having it on, people have figured out how to make money with you simply having the phone on. And so takeaway number one is that your phone is designed to steal your attention for one reason, and one reason only. Because people are making money on you. It's that simple. They're making money on you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And there is no doubt in my mind that the conversation that we just had will help you create a better life because you now see how the rules have changed. You now see the game that's being played. And once you see it, you can change how you play the game, which means you, my friend, are going to be winning at it. All righty. I will see you in the very next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I will be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. All right. Here we go. Go, Jessie, go. 10 years ago, you didn't spend a lot. When was the cell phone? When was the smartphone, Trace?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Mm-hmm. Okay, let me set this up real quick. Yeah, great. Okay, great. Change the way you look. Oh, hold on. Or did you guys like the way that it opened? I think it worked great. Okay, great. Then keep it. All right, keep going. Here we go. Overcomplicating as usual. Is that good? Great, great, great. Okay. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I'm going to unpack this in detail so that you really understand what your phone is and what it isn't. And that from this point forward, even if you're in middle school and you're listening to me, or you're 80 years old and you're listening to me, or you're 50 years old and you're frustrated because you can't get your family to just connect over dinner because everybody's on their phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Well, the reason why this is true is because the phone is designed to keep you on it. Like, that's what you have to understand, that the rules have fundamentally changed and not enough of us are talking about it. I didn't figure this out until a couple of years ago when I started looking into the research around focus and attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And I started folding in information about the attention economy and the way that the phones are designed because I started to feel concerned about my own use on the phone. I started to be frustrated with the fact that my kids were so on their phones all the time. It's like, what's going on with this generation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And then I started to feel frustrated about the fact that everybody around me is constantly on their phones and myself included. And see, here's the thing. Like, I think you've had that experience, haven't you? Where you know it's not good for you. You know you don't want to spend as much time on it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You know that when you're off your phone, you feel better, you're happier, you're more well-rested. We also know the simple, stupid advice for how it is that we can stop using it so much, and yet none of us Do it. And so I started to wonder, well, why? Why is it so hard? There must be something going on. The truth is, yeah, there is something going on. And this is going to be a huge thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You've already learned one takeaway so far, which is you now live in the attention economy. Your phone is designed to keep you on it because even if it's just open, people have figured out how to make money with you just turning this thing on and having it in your hand. I mean, this is no joke.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And that's why we're going to unpack the way that the world has changed and what's happened with the phone and how tech is designed and how social media is designed and how ads are designed and how headlines are written. They are specifically designed to screw you over, to have you just casually turn over your most precious thing in life, which is your time and your attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
See, the average person is spending 59 hours a week consuming media. Uh-huh, 59 hours. I mean, that's more than your full-time job. And today, I'm gonna show you that without even knowing it, you are losing this game that has been created by the big tech companies. You have actually become a tool, a tool for them to make money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Where you put your time is what your life is. And you don't probably know this. Your kids don't know this. The young adults in your life don't know this. Your parents don't know this. And that's why you're frustrated. I was frustrated too. The research around this is kind of crazy. Did you realize that you're probably spending seven hours a day consuming media on your phone?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And if you were just like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. Is your phone on you? Do you look at it throughout the day? Every time you turn it on, you're activating the phone's ability to make money on you. Even simply if it's tracking you, guess what? There are companies making money on the data that's tracking you and listening to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
as you have it near you, even if you're not directly consuming media. That's what I'm talking about. And so if you've ever had that thought, boy, I wish I would just spend less time on my phone, or I wish I wasn't wasting hours scrolling on social media, Or how about this? Do you feel like you're constantly buying things that you didn't actually mean to buy?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
You know, the thing that's laying around downstairs that I can't find the actual company to be able to return the thing to is I bought a bunch of those bird feeders that have the little camera in them They were all over my Instagram feed. Oh my God, I've got like two extra ones here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
I don't even remember buying them, probably because I bought it one night while I was scrolling through Instagram and the phone was on. And I even know that it is the attention economy and I still succumb to it. And the reason why I wanted to talk to you about this is because this is a really big deal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
The research shows that the average person in the United States, based on the devices themselves, is spending seven hours a day consuming media on your phone. Seven hours a day. That's 59 hours a week. 59 hours. just looking at your TV and your phone, you got to be very careful about the addictive nature of this freaking device and how people are using you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Because when you wake up and are like, wait a minute, I'm getting used? then I think you're gonna have a different level of motivation around your boundaries with this phone. And so first things first, we're gonna spend a lot of time talking about what is it about the attention economy and the way that this thing is designed that has changed? What do you need to know?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Because when you look at the world differently, I think you show up to the world differently. And if you find that you keep thinking, God, I wish I would spend less time on my phone or your kids are like, I wish I spent less time on my phone, but you just can't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Like, for example, have you ever deleted TikTok and then you just download YouTube or then you delete YouTube and then you download TikTok again? If you have been the kind of person, have you ever set limits on your apps, right? And then you just tap out of the notification? Guilty. Or if you can't watch TV while not also scrolling on Instagram? I mean, this is something we're all struggling with.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And you're struggling with it not because you're weak, you're struggling with it because that's a sign that the phone is winning. The phone is winning the game. The phone is changing your brain. The phone is getting you to just step right into the trap so that it can make money on you mindlessly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
If you can't stand in a line at a grocery store or do chores or take a walk or even go to the bathroom without watching a video or listening to something or reading something on your phone, then you're in the right place. And I just want to ask you five questions, okay? Five questions that reveal the truth that technology has won this round of the game.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
because the way that the phone and social media is engineered and the way that people make money on your attention, it has changed you. So let me ask you these five questions. Number one, is your phone the first thing you reach for every day? Do you ever find yourself checking the same apps over and over and over again for notifications, even though there aren't any?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
And after listening to this, you're going to leave with these huge epiphany. See, there's this quote that I love. Wayne Dwyer said this, when you change the way you look at the world, the world you look at changes. And here's what's going to change today. Number one, you're going to have more time. I'm gonna give you your time back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Are you unable to sit, take a walk, do chores, or even exist without consuming content, you know, watching a video, checking a text, looking for something? Does the idea of going somewhere without your phone make you anxious or uncomfortable? And finally, do you find yourself getting to the end of a long day using doom scrolling as just a way to unwind and relax, only to find
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
that you feel exhausted, depressed, or empty afterwards? If you answered yes to any of these five questions, this is a sign that the phone and social and big tech has actually won this round of the game. I want to be very clear about something. This isn't your fault. It's not your fault. If you're frustrated like I was frustrated with my family, I'm like, why are you guys always on your phone?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
Look at me when you're talking to me. What's wrong with this generation? If you've ever felt that way, it's not their fault either. It's not your teenager's fault that they're constantly online. They need to be on social media. They're constantly wanting to do something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
It's not your fault if all you want to be in life is an influencer because that's what you see other people doing online and you see them making money and you see them going on trips. Heck, even your aging parents are now addicted to their phones and their iPads and it's not their fault either. Not at all.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over
See, we have all been duped by the big tech programming and the attention economy that we live in. Your phone, social media, the news cycle, everything about the role that technology is playing in your life right now, it has not been designed for an altruistic reason. It has been designed to hijack your brain. It is designed to steal your attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Now, I don't know if you've heard this or not, but the Surgeon General, who is basically America's doctor, just put out an advisory saying, alcohol is the leading preventable cause of cancer, and that all alcoholic drinks should have a cancer warning label on them, just like cigarettes do. Wow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Is this something that you're seeing happening increase at a younger and younger age?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And by the way, if you're someone who hit play because someone that you love shared this episode with you, that's a beautiful thing. Because our expert today is world renowned. And so the person that shared this episode with you, they wanted you to have the benefit of of being able to learn from her.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
We're learning so much about the importance of healthy gut. How does alcohol impact that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And that's just amazing because today's episode is going to help you understand what alcohol does to your body, brain, and health. And what you're about to learn, it could change your life or the life of somebody that you care about. So I just want to thank you. Thank you for listening to this. Thank you for sharing this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Yeah, you know, I love the fact that you are a specialist in addiction and you have a very realistic approach because I do agree with you that it does feel like it's either you're all in or you're all out. And I think for a lot of people, it is scary to feel like there's only one option, which is you either drink or you don't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And for many people, not drinking at all is the absolute empowering option. But I love what you're saying, which is you need to wake up and understand what your motivators are and what you actually care about in this moment in your life. And if you care about producing more at work or being more present or reaching your potential, you got to look at the role that alcohol is playing in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Yeah. So from a medical perspective, how much drinking is too much drinking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I'm just sitting here thinking about you as a physician and a researcher and how I think a lot of us lie to our doctors about how much we're actually drinking and that we're not even aware of what the serving size truly is because when a lot of people make a cocktail at home, it's like glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, and there's three shots right there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Or you've had a number of big glasses of wine, which basically mean you have had all seven glasses of wine in one night and thinking, oh, oh, I've just had a couple glasses. But I bet as you are seeing somebody get a scan, there's probably times where you're like, yeah, that's somebody that is a very heavy drinker because I can see it on the brain.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Now, there's a couple of reasons why I wanted to have this conversation with you today. First of all, For me personally, I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with alcohol. In fact, I've been thinking about it for years. And one of the reasons why it's been on my mind is because my husband, Chris, he basically doesn't drink.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
When you sit with somebody that comes into your practice, how do you help them figure out their relationship with alcohol? What are a list of symptoms
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I mean, he'll occasionally have a bourbon on the rocks, but that's it. But for me, alcohol has been a huge part of my life socially for as long as I can remember. And even though I've been cutting back, it's become just a way that I turn my brain off after work. And here's the thing. I'm a super conscientious and healthy person. So on one hand, I don't do a lot of, quote, bad things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
That was so helpful. And one of the things that really resonated with me is that you've tried to quit. You drink more than you want. You feel anxious and yet you continue to do it. And you're in this cycle of wishing you could get control over this and yet feeling like you can't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And yet, if you aren't stumbling around at night or you feel like I am able to carry on a conversation, I'm not getting behind the wheel of a car, there's this assumption that it is under control, but I love how you just defined it because you're making us really look at ourselves and ask ourselves the honest question, which is it really?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And even just that question, are you drinking more than you want to be drinking? If you answer that question honestly, and whether you're listening right now for yourself or you're listening for somebody that you love that you're concerned about, this is an amazing starting point because we're not bickering about how much you're drinking. We're not bickering about your behavior.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
We're really talking about the honest answer to what is your relationship to it and do you actually have control over your ability to use it or not use it? And that is powerful. Now, Dr. Wakeman, where I want to pivot to next is I'm starting to see this picture where as a researcher and a renowned expert on this topic that you are talking about kind of the big risks that can happen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I want to focus a little bit on amplifying the day-to-day impact that most of us are not present to. Yeah. That we reach for the alcohol at night because at least in my own experience, it's like an easy lever to pull to say to my brain, we're no longer working. This is the thing that I do as my ritual to move into the evening, to have a glass of wine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
But we don't really understand what's happening and how it's actually impacting your experience of your life day to day. I wanna take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our sponsors. And I also wanna remind you that if you're worried about somebody, send them this episode right now as you're listening to our sponsors, because oftentimes they can't hear it from you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
But hearing it from somebody like Dr. Wakeman, who has such a balanced approach and is a renowned expert on this topic, it might actually just be the thing that gets somebody to wake up and want to do better. So I'll be waiting for you after a short word from our sponsors. Thank you for sharing this with anybody who needs to hear it. And I'll see you right after the break.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Welcome back, I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm so glad you're here. Thank you, thank you for sharing this episode with absolutely anybody in your life that you believe needs to hear this. You and I are spending time today with Harvard's Dr. Sarah Wakeman. So Dr. Wakeman, can you explain to us
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
What are some of the other day-to-day things that people experience when they drink that they might not realize is related to drinking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
What are some of the benefits that you would experience almost immediately if you quit drinking entirely or you cut way back? What kind of health benefit would you experience in your day-to-day life?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I don't have a lot of bad habits. So I've kind of given myself a little bit of slack when it comes to alcohol because I'm like, God, you don't really do a lot of bad things, Mel. So what's the big deal? But on the other hand, I'm like, if you care about longevity and your health and you care about your brain, Mel, why are you not cutting back? Maybe you're thinking these same things too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
How does alcohol impact the range of women's hormones from estrogen to progesterone to like all of it? How does it impact your hormones?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Can you walk us through what's happening in your body in terms of what we call a hangover? So you've had your night out. You've had... bit of alcohol, right? And you wake up, what is a hangover and what is actually happening in the body as you withdraw from the alcohol?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Another reason why I wanted to have this conversation is Sober Curious is on the rise. Every single year, more and more people participate in Dry January, or at least they talk about doing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Does alcohol impact cortisol or any of the other kind of hormones that are in your brain that are playing a part in anxiety?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
But the truth is, as much as I may be kind of kidding around a little bit, alcohol, your relationship to alcohol, what it actually does to your brain, your body, your health, it's not really something to joke about. Because I think we all know it's not good for you. But it just is fun and it tastes good and it's a great stress reliever and it's always a part of every celebration.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
wow, when you really stop and think about the roller coaster you're putting your brain and your hormones and your body through, it does make you pause. And that's what I wanted to do with this conversation is to make you stop and think about what's actually happening and the reasons why you reach for it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Can you talk a little bit about for anybody that's taking prescription drugs for anxiety or depression, the impact that alcohol can have?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
So if you've ever felt curious about cutting back or you've been worried about someone you love and they're drinking, this episode today, it's for you. Because today, one of the world's most renowned medical experts on how alcohol impacts your body, brain, and health is here in our Boston studios. And here's what I love about her. She is brilliant. She's a researcher. She treats patients.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
What do you see when you look at a brain where somebody's been a heavy drinker versus somebody that's occasional or very light?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
We have so many listeners around the world who flooded us with questions when we told them that you were gonna be here. And a lot of them are about how to deal with somebody that they love. And they're drinking.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And so I really wanna hear your advice about what specific things you should do and what mistakes we need to avoid when there's somebody in our lives that we're concerned about. Like, how do you approach this? What's the best way to bring it up? What is the worst? And by the way, I wanna remind you,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And even as I was talking about the fact that we were going to be having a conversation about this today with our team, you know, somebody said, yeah, and it helps you sleep. And I was like, yeah, it kind of knocks you out, but does it help you sleep? The other reason why I want to talk about it is because the subject of alcohol and your health, it is all over the news right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
that if you're thinking about somebody in your life, while the sponsors are talking to you, please share this episode. Let Dr. Wakeman talk to your loved one. It could be a life-changing gift for them to hear this. So thank you in advance for being generous with sharing this with people that you love. And I'll be waiting for you with Dr. Wakeman after a short break. Welcome back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I'm Mel Robbins, and you and I are here today with Harvard's Dr. Sarah Wakeman. Dr. Wakeman, I'd love to get your counsel on what you would recommend to somebody if your spouse doesn't think they have a drinking problem, but it's a problem for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Here in the United States, the Surgeon General, who is basically America's doctor, just put out this advisory report. It has this warning, and in it, he says, alcohol is the leading preventable cause of cancer. And you want to know something? I had spent 55 years of my life not knowing that there was a link between alcohol and cancer. How did I not know that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
What is the mistake that you see people making?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I want to kind of just hover on this point that if somebody's reaching for alcohol and it's become a coping mechanism for dealing with stress or dealing with like a health issue or mental health issue or whatever insecurity, it's terrifying to give up the coping mechanism.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And what do you see when it comes to that psychology of you're somebody whose family is like, you have a problem and we're worried about you. And yet it keeps on going. Like how does shame or that fear that you have of, well, I can't actually do this. get through if I don't have the alcohol or I, it's just easier. And what's the problem with having a glass of wine or two a night?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
That's probably why the Surgeon General is now talking about it. In fact, the Surgeon General says that all alcoholic drinks based on the research should have a cancer label warning on them, just like cigarettes do. And so now, of course, that the report is out, everybody is talking about, every news organization is writing about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I think it's very refreshing because so much that you listen to on this topic is don't drink. And I kind of expected Dr. Wakeman, you to come in here and just take your fist and slam it on the counter and talk about the lives ruined from alcohol. And, you know, you might have that experience in your family as you're listening to us. But what she's saying is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
You have to understand how somebody is feeling and what's actually gonna work to get them to want to see that something else is possible for them. So Dr. Wakeman, I have another question for you. A lot of parents writing in about college age kids and binge drinking and 20 somethings. that are also drinking too much. Do you have any like scripts or lead in sentences to even broach this topic?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Because I feel like most of us don't know how to even bring it up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Alcohol is in the family. Like, this is a thing that's really triggering for all of us. Is there a way to break down the conversation just so that the person listening can take from us or, you know, take from this conversation? All right, I'm going to express my feelings. Then I'm going to ask them about theirs because most people get really defensive when you talk about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
This warning from the Surgeon General, holy cow, it has struck a nerve everywhere, and it's taking the internet by storm. If you haven't seen the articles that are flying all over the place, well, you're going to now. And the articles have titles like this, I like to drink, Do I have to feel bad about alcohol now? How much alcohol does it take to raise your cancer risk?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And then that just shuts down the conversation. Totally.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
How do you help them figure out their why as it relates to their relationship with alcohol?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Well, it's great advice because I feel like so many of us have had that experience where you go to a big wedding and you're like, that's it. I'm never drinking again. I can't do this to myself. And three days later, you're going out for somebody's engagement and now you're like, ah, I should just have a glass of wine and you're back in it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And so I think getting very clear about what are your goals. And I'm willing to bet if you write down your goals that you're going to see that alcohol is not helping any of them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Alcohol warnings won't make me quit, but a little moderation wouldn't hurt. Those kind of hit home, don't they? Don't you want the answers to those questions? We're going to talk about all of it today. And on a more personal note, you know, I've already shared this, but one of my own goals this year is to drink less. And what do I mean by that? What I mean is I don't want to drink during the week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
If you quit drinking and you don't feel supported by your family or your partner or friends, what advice do you have for people to navigate that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I thought I knew a lot about this topic and it just goes to show you there is always something new you can learn. So I have another question, Dr. Wakeman. What is your message to someone who is struggling with their relationship to alcohol?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And for the person who had this conversation shared with them from a family member who's probably concerned about their drinking, what is your message to that person?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Well, Dr. Sarah Wakeman, thank you so much for being here with us today. Thank you for the work that you're doing. You really are changing and saving people's lives. And we appreciate how much wisdom you poured into us.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And I want to also just make sure that you listening that in case nobody else tells you that I tell you that I love you and I believe in you. I'll talk to you in a few days. Yeah. Okay, great. Here we go. All right. Coach is Tracy. Great. That's perfect. Thank you. That's okay. Hydrate, baby. It's true, but it makes you think, doesn't it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Like on the weekends, that's fine. But during the week, I got to stop reaching for a gin and tonic or tequila on the rocks or a glass of wine when work ends as a way to turn off my brain. So let me ask you a quick question. Before I tell you about Dr. Wakeman, I want you to consider this. Think about your relationship to alcohol. Do you think you may be drinking a little too much?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Oh, I'm like, I do not remember what the hell is going on today. What is happening? I don't know what's going on over here. In the garbage. Goodbye. Look how emotionally agile I am. What I want you to really, he, okay, hold on. What was I going, where was I going with that? Um, Dr. Wakeman, can you tell me about the race? Lordy. I didn't. So, okay. Is that, is that okay? Okay. Holy cow. Awesome.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Have you ever thought about cutting back? Because I know you're listening to this because you're interested in understanding more about how alcohol impacts your body, your brain, and your health. And so I really want you to think about yourself and your goals and your life. And here's a question I'm gonna ask you to consider as you're listening to Dr. Wakeman.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
For years, one of the reasons why I didn't cut back on my drinking is because I always felt like I was gonna miss out on something by not drinking. Now I'm wondering, what am I missing out on because I am drinking? Just stop and consider that. What are you missing out on because of your drinking? A better night's sleep? More focus? Being more energized and present in your life? Feeling better?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Getting better results? Achieving your goals? Maybe that's what we're all missing out on. And that's exactly what Dr. Sarah Wakeman is gonna tell you. And you're gonna love her. She's gonna give you the science. So you can make the call for yourself about you and your relationship to alcohol.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And having the facts about how alcohol impacts your health, your body, and your brain, that's what's gonna empower you. And look, I thought about, you know, why don't I just have a brand new conversation on the podcast today in light of what the Surgeon General said? And then I thought, well, wait a minute.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Last year, Dr. Sarah Wakeman was here, and that conversation was life-altering, not only for me, but for the millions of you that listened to it. I started drinking a lot less and now I feel so much better. And even though I drink less, I'm wondering, should I cut back even more? And I'll tell you what, as I consider that question, what am I missing out on because of the drinking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
She's practical and zero judgment. She is here to share the science and to help you make the best decisions for your health. So whether you're questioning your own drinking habits like I am, or you're worried about someone you love, or you're just curious, this conversation is dedicated to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I knew I needed to hear this information again because Dr. Wakeman is the best of the best of the best. This is an exceptional resource for you. And if you happen to have the chance to hear or watch this last year, trust me, you need to spend time with Dr. Sarah Wakeman again, and so do I. And here's why. Because where you are in your life right now is very different than where you were last year.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And maybe right now you've got some massive goals. Maybe you're going through a major change or a huge tragedy. Maybe you're in the middle of reinventing yourself or you're starting a bold, new, amazing chapter. So this is the perfect time for you to ask yourself this question. What are you missing out on because of your drinking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And how could changing your relationship with alcohol support you in being happier, healthier, and achieving your goals this year? I cannot wait for you and I to dig into this episode again. So let me introduce you to the incredible Dr. Sarah Wakeman. She is one of the most renowned medical experts in the entire world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Dr. Wakeman is the Senior Medical Director of Substance Use Disorder at Harvard's Mass General Brigham Hospital here in Boston, which has been ranked as the number one research hospital in the entire world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
After studying at Brown University, Dr. Wakeman did her residency at Mass General, which is the best program in the country, where she was also the chief resident, which means she was the number one medical resident in her class. She is an associate professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. and the Program Director of Mass General Addiction Medicine Fellowship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And she took time out of her extraordinarily busy schedule to come to our Boston studios for one reason, to give you and the people that you love the facts, the science, and the research so that you can make an informed decision about the role that alcohol plays in your life and how it is impacting your brain, your body, and your health. So without further ado...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Please help me welcome Dr. Sarah Wakeman to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so excited to be here. Thanks for having me. Well, thank you for taking the time out because I know you have an unbelievably busy schedule. So let's just jump right into it. So Dr. Wakeman, can you explain what even is alcohol and how does it affect our bodies?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
That sounds very science-y to me. What kind of molecule is it? Is it a poison? Could you explain more about the makeup of what it actually is?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Because there is no doubt in my mind, it's gonna change how you think about alcohol and what it does to your body, brain, and your health forever. I am so excited that you're here. You know, it's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together. And I also wanted to say, if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Well, when you say the category cleaning, hand sanitizer, rubbing alcohol, thinking about uses in a hospital, and then I put that in the same family category, as something you would ingest in a cocktail, is it the same molecule?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I just already had something that I learned that is, if you're watching us on YouTube, you can see that my mouth is agape. I don't know why I never connected the dots on that, that it is actually the same chemical.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
I think that's an indication of just how much we engage in it and don't really think about what we're doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
Are there negative impacts to having like a beer or a glass of wine every night? I mean, how does that impact you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
And you know, because you made time to hit play and to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You're the type of person who not only values your time, but you're also interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life and your health. And I think that's really cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
What is it about the molecule of alcohol that increases your risk for cancer?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
What Happens to Your Body and Mind When You Stop Drinking Alcohol
alcohol and liver failure or just how it's impacting people's livers?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad that you chose to listen to this episode, because today I've got somebody in our Boston studios whose work has fundamentally changed my life. This person has helped me understand exactly how my childhood shaped who I became as an adult. And today he's going to do the exact same thing for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
What do you mean when you say unconditional acceptance? Because I think most of us, it's revelatory to hear, no, no, no, there's a biological hardwired need that you have as a child to feel unconditional acceptance and safety from the adults around you and in your environment. And if you do not feel that way, it creates a response inside your body. There is a reaction to that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
But most of us, I think we even just skip over that fact. Gabor, that there's a fundamental need that a child has to feel accepted. And so what does that mean, if you could unpack it for us?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I know because you chose to listen to this episode that you're the type of person who values your time. And you're also interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life. I love that. I love that you're listening to this episode. And you want to know what else I love? I love that you and I are going to get to spend time learning from the extraordinary Dr. Gabor Mate.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Is there a human being on the planet that doesn't have trauma from their childhood? Because I'm sitting here listening and it's an interesting conversation because you listen to it both from your experience.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I love that you said, we're not going to blame mothers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And pain is moving through people. This is why trauma passes through your family and through cultures generationally. And learning about this helps you understand the responses to your childhood that helped you survive. And it also helps you feel empowered to take responsibility.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
To change those now subconscious responses that you have.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Dr. Maté is a world-renowned physician and best-selling author whose work dives deep into childhood development and the impact of trauma on how it shapes your mental and physical health over your lifetime. Dr. Maté has completely transformed how the world sees, talks about, and understands trauma. And he has absolutely had that impact on me, and it's been life-changing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I could listen to you all day, Dr. Mate. I want to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our sponsors. While you are listening to our sponsors, please share this episode with absolutely everyone that you care about. Dr. Mate's work has changed my life. I know that it will make a huge difference in your life and with anybody that you share this with.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
So thank you for taking a listen to our sponsors. Thank you for sharing this with the people that you love and don't go anywhere. We have so much more to cover with Dr. Mate and we're going to do that after a short break. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And you and I are spending time today with the amazing Dr. Gabor Mate.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And we're digging into the topic of how your childhood has shaped who you've become as an adult. So Dr. Mate, when you think of childhood trauma, how do you identify it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
This show has listeners in 194 countries. Sure. And this might be the very first time as you're listening that you're actually starting to go, wait a minute, everything that he's saying is what I experienced.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Or at least pieces of it. I've never considered that this could be trauma. Yeah. And we've talked about it as a psychological wound, but I think it'd be really helpful if you also explained how does this create trauma either programming or conditioning in your body that starts to define who you become as an adult and create behaviors that you never intended.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I promise you, this episode is going to shift the way you see everything, how you show up for yourself, how you connect with the people you love, and why you experience life the way that you do. It's going to help you understand why coping has become your default and how you can move toward true healing. I am so excited for both you and me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You know, I am sitting here thinking about ways in which I can try to distill emotions down what you're saying because the information has been so life-changing for me in my own life to really accept, acknowledge, and seek to understand how childhood experiences created a traumatic response inside of me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I want to focus on the, I guess you would call it the smaller T stuff, which is that you have fundamental needs as a child.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And when they are not provided to you, that it creates trauma inside of you. And is it fair to say that another way to think about trauma is that it's something happening outside of you that creates this almost like alarm or bracing in your body? It's like it kind of flips you into that fight or flight.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because I have this experience of not, like going back through my childhood and not like seeing anything that's massive related to my parents. But just having this sense of constantly being on edge, constantly feeling like, you know, it's my job to make everybody happy. Don't say the wrong thing. This hypervigilance. And I never knew where it came from.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
What is a child supposed to do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Just as you're growing up. It's interesting because I think so many people, at least in my life and my lived experience, is that that's my job. To protect myself, to make everybody happy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
So please, please, please help me welcome the extraordinary Dr. Gabor Mate to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited to welcome you, Dr. Gabor Mate, to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
So that's a form of trauma.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
One of the ways that I've seen people really deny the existence of trauma inside a family is between siblings, where two siblings will grow up in the same household and be like, well, that never happened, or mom wasn't like that, or you're just being too sensitive. In your work, what have you discovered about how siblings can grow up in the same house?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Before we dive in, Gabor, I would love to have you speak directly to the person who's listening to us and just share with them what they might expect to experience, if they really take to heart what you're about to teach us and share with us today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Well, you know, I am sitting here listening, again, kind of from two places. One as a mother, right? Yeah. And one as a human being who was a daughter who has recognized that there were lots of small things that happened. Yeah. And one big thing that created a tremendous, like a traumatic response inside me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
That created hypervigilance and anxiety and probably ADHD. And I'm also thinking, and I'm going to share this because I think it'll be really helpful. Thank you
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Thank you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I love that. No one is damaged goods.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
No, but I did.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
No, that happened in our house like 15 years ago.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
We are gonna unpack this in this conversation at length, but I think it might be helpful for someone who is not familiar with your work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And he felt bad and I was an asshole.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Again, more trauma and more pain passing on to our kids.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Why do we do that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Dr. Maté, this feels like a good time to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our sponsors. And while you're listening to our sponsors, please share this episode with people that you love. Absolutely every human being deserves and needs to hear this life-changing information from Dr. Maté.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because what's happened to you in your past, first of all, it's not your fault. But it is your responsibility to yourself to do the work that you need to do in order to heal, to grow, to become healthier and happier. And today you're going to learn exactly how to do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
If we could go back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And can you share, if we go all the way back to your childhood, just what was happening in your life and in particular, how finding your mother's journal really impacted you and sent you in a certain direction in terms of your life's work?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And don't go anywhere, because when we return, Dr. Maté and I will be waiting for you after this short break to keep digging into this important topic. So stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today you and I are getting to spend time with the extraordinary Dr. Gabor Mate.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
So Dr. Mate, one of the things that's coming to mind is thinking back to my own life and the moment where I first bumped into your work and I learned that the seemingly little things created a lasting impact.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And that even though I wasn't to blame for the emotional volatility or the emotional shutdown in my parents when I was growing up, that it impacted me, it was real, and it was my responsibility to heal and to decide whether or not I wanted to do the work to change. the way that it impacted me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because it did have a massive impact on my behaviors, constantly feeling on edge, people-pleasing, anxiety, ADHD, drinking too much, chasing success as a way to prove that I was worthy of something and to make other people happy. Yes. It was everywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
It honestly just defined how I ran on default. And I remember the moment though, when I started to truly accept the fact that these were all indications of trauma.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And that if I wanted my life to feel different.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
That I needed to lean into everything that you're saying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I felt a lot of conflict about that moment because I felt guilty for identifying it that way because I know my parents were just doing the best that they did. They did. And that there was a lot that I didn't remember. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I'm wondering if you could just talk to the person who's listening, who is having that awakening for the first time, where they're really accepting that some of the behaviors and the negative self-talk and the anxiety, that this is a result of experiences that you had as a child where you were not given the things that you needed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
No, it's an indictment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Oh, I'll share it with you. When I was in the fourth grade, I woke up in the middle of the night on a family vacation and an older kid was on top of me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And that had massive implications on my life. When were we? I was fourth grade.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I was sound asleep, so I was in a safe space. Wake up to an older kid on top of me who was fondling me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And... In the scheme of things that can happen, it was, here I go dismissing it. You're looking at me. You're like, no, no, no, no, no.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Okay. Okay. But it's almost like I'm shaming myself for having trauma about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Oh, I'm so open to it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I felt very confused and scared.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I'd feel... How would I explain it? I would explain it, and I'm about to go intellectual. I personally, as the mother, would feel heartbroken.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because she didn't feel safe talking to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Oh, a thousand percent. And I can also see when I think about experiences that friends have shared with me where they did say something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And then there was denial.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Or dismissal. Yeah. Or we're not going to tell anybody. Yeah. Or this stays within us. Yeah. Or even if they then go after the person and confront it, it blows up and somehow you're to blame. And so I can see how... That's right. Yeah. And of course, when you shove it down, you then think you've done something wrong.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And that was the other thing that happened for me is that I felt like I had done something wrong.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Well, I think that was one of the original moments that at least that I remember where I literally left my body and disassociated.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
It makes perfect sense.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And then I can also see and take responsibility and have a lot of compassion for how my volatility emotionally.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Just passed that on to my daughters.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because the exact same thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And, you know, it, of course, just makes me, it, It makes me sad that I didn't know this sooner, but I feel very grateful for your work because I know it now. And so do our children and so does my husband.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And that knowledge gives you the ability to truly address the things that happened and the response that happened in your body and how that has created these default patterns and this inability to manage stress or emotion or conflict.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
in a way that is healthy and that keeps you connected to yourself instead of constantly abandoning yourself and feeling disappointed in yourself and shaming yourself. And so while I can reflect on that with a lot of sadness and grief and regret, I feel more empowered, honestly, about what's possible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
It is totally possible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And it's possible for you. It's possible for your children. It's possible for anybody that you know and love. It's possible for your parents if they accept the invitation to look at themselves.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Yes. What is the first step? Is it asking the question, like, why? Like, just being curious with a level of compassion, like, why am I like this? Because if I reflect on your question... That's what happened for me. I started to say to myself, it's no longer tolerable for me to operate like this. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to feel like this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I don't want to feel disconnected from other people. I don't want to have this level of anger inside me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You mean if I think about when I was in fourth grade?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Well, I ask for a lot of help now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Absolutely. Like when you just said that, I had this epiphany that I've always felt like I got to do it myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I've always felt like it's on me. I've always felt like I'll just take this on. I'll just do this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Is you just said there's no help available and I felt this knee-jerk need.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because I do know. I mean, I know my mom well enough to know that she would have picked up a shovel and probably clocked the kid into next week. Yeah, yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
It's beautiful.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
It is so simple when you lay it out like that. Yeah. And it's also so freeing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
One of the things that you write about that I think is so important that I would love to have you explain is this idea that we are naturally wired and have a fundamental need for joyfulness, playfulness, creativity, and that we sacrifice that. Can you talk more about that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Why is it one of your all-time favorite books?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And you weren't played with. So did you play with your kids?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Well, a very surprising insight for me as I've been working to resolve issues from my past is noticing that I'm a very warm person, but I'm not affectionate. And it's this epiphany of... going in more for the hug, being more physical in terms of embracing my kids. And it's something that I definitely did not receive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I come from a long line of farmers and hard workers and pull up your big girl panties and let's move on. And that's the way that my mom is, even though she's warm and amazing and loving, but not physically embracing. And so I really relate to that because it's something as an adult that I recognize that I truly want to change. And it takes effort.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
It takes effort for me to go, oh, I noticed I'm just standing here. I got to put my arm around.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I embraced you when you walked in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And is that a response to...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
What might be some surprising adult behaviors that are an indication of unresolved trauma from your childhood?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And other ways, like you talked about kind of not being the kind of person that is open to hugging or my husband shuts down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You're so amazing. What are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Good Will Hunting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Here in Boston.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here, for sharing all of your wisdom and your research and for not only validating.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Our experience, but giving us three simple things we can do to reconnect with ourselves and truly take our power back. You're amazing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You're welcome. Oh, and I also want to take a moment and thank you. Thank you for choosing to listen to this episode. Thank you for sharing this with people that you love. And thank you for taking everything that you've learned today very seriously and trying these steps that Dr. Mate have given to you Because you deserve to reconnect with yourself. You deserve to be happy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You deserve to have a different experience of life. And there is no doubt in my mind that everything that you learn today is going to help you and the people that you love do exactly that. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life and understanding how your childhood has impacted who you've become and taking responsibility for who you want to become next. Everything you learned today is going to help you do that. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. I can't believe you're here. I really can't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Got a word that's like, okay, completely screwed up my kids. Didn't mean to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Why is that the case? Because all three of my children have ADHD.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I still erupt.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
then I still need to go to the bathroom. Now that you've said it, my body's like, yeah, I don't have to pee. Absolutely, you're fantastic. I'm trying not to interrupt you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Of course, no, you're doing fantastic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You did? Oh, I would have probably failed your class. Oh, wow. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And I embraced you when you walked in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Well, that's a big nutshell.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Wow. So how did those experiences in your life really start to shape your work? Like, how did you start doing what you do today?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You're also going to learn that no matter what it is that you may have survived in your childhood, it does not define who you are or who you can become. You're going to get a roadmap to better understanding yourself and also how you can connect with your true self. The extraordinary Dr. Gabor Mate is here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And what have you learned about how childhood experiences shape who we become as adults?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I just want to make sure that the person that's with us in this conversation really gets this. Because I didn't first learn that your emotional state and your physical state when you're carrying the child impacts the nervous system and development of the human being inside you. And it makes sense. But can you explain more about that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because this is an idea that was brand new to me just a couple of years ago.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
He's written five books on the topic of childhood development, trauma, stress, ADHD, addiction, all of which are New York Times bestsellers. And it has taken me two years to get him to our studios here in Boston because he is in that much demand globally. Dr. Maté is going to help you understand exactly how your childhood shaped you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Well, it's interesting to listen to you explain all this because for me personally, your work has impacted both me and recognizing the way that childhood experiences and me when I was inside my mother developing into a baby.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And then I think about your work in the context of me as a stressed out mother.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
And the state that I was in when I was carrying any one of our three children and how that absolutely impacted their development. There's this kind of conflict that I feel between, oh gosh, you know, I hurt my kids and I didn't mean to. And also this understanding that I think this is part of the human experience on some level.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
That is an incredibly helpful way to think about it. When you said that it's pain moving through you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
That made my shoulders drop. How do you define trauma, particularly for somebody who isn't aware whether or not they've experienced it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
You're also going to learn more than 10 surprising ways that trauma is created in childhood, even if you didn't realize it, and how it is probably still impacting you to this day right now. Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so thrilled that you're here with me. It is always an honor to be able to spend time together with you. If you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Now, in that case, it's physical. And I want to kind of hover here because for a long time, I just assumed trauma was something that happened to people who were at war or were in a country that was occupied by a fascist government or country coming in like your parents were and that you were. Or somebody that was the victim of a violent crime.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
I never understood that experiences that may seem insignificant on the surface, somebody's mood, somebody criticizing you, feeling left out, that these are things that can also leave a mark, just like a blow to a head can actually leave a concussion. And I would love for you to explain to us what actually is a psychological wound.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal
Because one of the things that I see happening a lot is people either shame themselves for being stuck, or they say, I'm just too emotional, or I should just get over it. And there is something deeper that you mean when you say it's a psychological wound.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know, there's something that I've been worried about a lot lately, and I decided today is the day that you and I need to talk about this. And here's what I'm worried about. You and I live in a moment in history where the world is now designed to steal your time, your energy, your joy, and your focus.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
The whole purpose of this is to get you to get everything out of your mind so that you do not succumb to the Sunday scaries. Get everything out of your mind so you don't start the week in a state of overwhelm. Get everything out of your mind so you're not dragging all of this stuff that's knocking around in your brain like a pinball machine into this week. We're not doing that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
So if you start with the checklist item number one and you just do a brain dump and just write everything down and just keep coming back to the list, here's for work, here's for personal, here's for home. Here's for work, here's for personal, here's for home. Here's for work, here's for personal, here's for home. boom, you're done. And you're going to feel lighter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
It's sort of like a mental spray tan. I got one of my first spray tans ever. My 25-year-old daughter was like, mom, you got to have a spray tan. You're looking really zombie-like lately in the videos. And so I tried a spray tan. I swear to God, I'm like, I need to own a spray tan machine. I feel like I'm 10 years younger and five pounds lighter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
You are going to feel the same way after you do a brain dump. Okay, so that's checklist item number one. So now you're standing there, you got your brain dump, barfed out mental stuff, piece of paper, or you got your three post-it notes, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I use this checklist every single week to make sure that the foundational stuff based in research, I'm talking, these are really low-hanging fruit items, but they're critical. And so today, I'm not only going to share this checklist with you and walk you through all seven items, I'm actually going to give you a copy of it. I'll tell you how you can download it as we get into it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Like I did this weekend, which I just love because the other thing that I loved about the post-it note, I can then stick it into the journal that I carry around. So now I've got the reminder, you know, kind of right there. But you're going to be standing there feeling 10 years younger and five pounds lighter now that you did your brain dump.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
That brings me to item number two on the checklist for having a great week. You ready? You're going to free yourself. What does that mean? Oh, honey, you're going to free yourself of all the things on that little brain dump that you're carrying around mentally. Here's how you're going to do it. This is the most liberating thing in the world. You are going to cross things off
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
There is so much on that list that you have zero intention of doing this week. Just put a cross right there. Just take a Sharpie, wipe it right off the list. You're going to free yourself of the burden of carrying this around. My friend Tracy, our executive producer, she's not organizing her bookcase properly. Cross it off the list.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I'm going to tell you about another thing that I crossed off the list. So I have this box right here. I'm going to show it to you if you're watching YouTube, but you can hear it as you're listening to me. This is a FedEx box, okay? This big priority mailbox. It is full... of photos, full of photos. These are all photos.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
These are now photos in baggies that are photos that I sent to, I believe, the Today Show like four or five years ago so that they could scan some photos and show some photos, you know, like when they're introducing somebody. They have been sitting in a box next to my desk.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This is like a tractor trailer that I drag around mentally with me because they sit next to my desk and I look at it and I think, I got to go through that. I got to get those back in the photo album things. I got to do something with it. You can hear this as you're listening to me. I pulled out some of them and I have, look at this right here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I have a photo right here of me getting dropped off freshman year of college. This is a photograph from 1986. Why is this in my brain right now? Here's another photograph from December 1981 of me and Jody and my brother, an exchange student whose name I've now forgotten, ice skating on the lake. This is in my brain. I do not need to carry it into the week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I guarantee you, whether it's a bookcase or it's photos that you need to organize or it's the junk drawer in the kitchen or it's the bag of clothes that you keep meaning to drop off and donate, there are things on that brain dump list that are staring you in the face. And now that they are out of your mind, dear Lord, checklist item number two, set yourself free. You're not doing it this week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Cross it off. Zero guilt. You are just claiming space. You are saying, you're not going into my brain. Not this week. No, thank you. Nope. We're not doing it. Doesn't this feel good? Can't you already feel like, man, I'm going to have a great week. I am not doing this. The family photo album for Peru this week. Just not happening. Cross it off the list.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Because without doing this, you know what I would have done? I would have been on the plane to Los Angeles going, you know, I should probably work on that Peru photo album. I should probably do this. And then I would spend a bunch of time sitting there thinking about the things I needed to do. No. No, and neither are you, because you're going to start this week with checklist item number two.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
After you do your brain drop, you're going to set yourself free, free of all these things that you carry around, and you're going to cross it off, and you're not going to have any guilt about it. You are going to claim your time, because as I said to you at the beginning, we live in a world that is now programmed and designed to steal your joy, to steal your energy, to steal your time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
But this checklist is going to guarantee that you will have a great week, or at least you're going to have a better week than you would have if you didn't use this seven-item checklist. I am so thrilled that you're here because it's time that you wake up. It's time that you realize that the world you live in, it's not doing you any favors right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
You and I, we're taking it back. That's what you're doing. You are making room in your brain and in your body and with your energy to not carry this stuff around with you. You're setting yourself free. Isn't this freaking awesome? Don't you already feel like it's going to be a great week? Of course you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
That's why you're going to love this checklist that you're going to print out and you're going to have it right by your desk or sitting on your fridge to remind you, Saturday or Sunday, this is what I do. This is how I create a great week. I don't even care if it's a Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday. If you've had a terrible week, get the checklist out. Start right now. You can reclaim this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Step one, brain dump. Step two, set yourself free. Cross off absolutely everything that you're not doing this week. See that? You are in control. I love this. Now, the third thing on the checklist, you've done your brain dump. You have now set yourself free. Oh, baby. Now, now is where you take control. Now is where you set the priority.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I am holding in my hand one of these, what they call chisel tip, Sharpie permanent marker. No, they're not a sponsor of the Mel Robbins podcast. This just happens to be my favorite marker on the planet. It is a big fatty Sharpie. I love this thing. Big tip on this sucker. Don't get dirty in your mind. Come on. This is all art. I take this Sharpie.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And the reason why I love this Sharpie is it's big. It is bold. If you're going to mark something up with this thing, it's because you mean it. And so you're going to take whatever is that version of it for you. It can be a pencil for all I care. You can write it with a thing of lipstick. You can take, if you're a spray paint person, you can use spray paint. I don't care.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Because the third thing on the list is you're going to choose one thing. You're gonna circle that sucker. Of all the things that you've written down, I want you to stand in front of that brain dump. I want you to look at all the things that you've been like, nope, nope, not the bookcase, not the box of photographs, not the bathroom door, not the kitchen junk drawer.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I'm not going to get to the donation pile. I'm not going to cut the lawn this week. Nope, I'm not cleaning out the garage. These projects are not getting done. You're going to see that there are things there that you're sort of like, can't quite cross it off. Can't quite set myself free.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
So as you stand in front of the things that are left, I want you to take a deep breath and I want you to look at those things. And I want you to say to yourself, of all the things that are left on this list, what's the one thing on this list that if you were to fast forward to next weekend and you look back on this week that you're about to live, you fast forward seven days from now
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
In fact, it is stealing something from you and you need to take your power back. And it begins by taking your week back. Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so thrilled you're here. I am fired up. Can you tell I'm fired up for today's conversation? Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
if you actually got a little progress done on that, if you actually moved the ball down the field, that you personally would feel better. What is that one thing? Is it picking up the guitar and playing for half an hour? Is it cleaning out the junk drawer? Is it taking 30 minutes and spending that time sorting through some health insurance claims?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Is it fixing lunch and driving it over to a friend of yours that isn't feeling well? Is it the bookcase? Like really look at that list because there's something on there that is meaningful to you. And if you were to just move the ball down the field, spend 15 lousy minutes on the thing, It would make you feel better because it matters to you. This is so important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
That's why I've got the chisel tip marker out here because this is not about work. It's not about your family. It's not about what your friends want you to do. It's not about what your parents need. This is something that matters to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And as I'm going to keep on reminding you, we live in a moment in history where the world is engineered and deliberately programmed to steal your joy, to steal your time, to steal your energy and to steal your attention. And if you're not careful, and this is step three of this checklist, the world will steal meaning from you as well.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And so whatever that thing is for you, this is where you get to be selfish. This is where you get to say, this is something that I really would like to find a little time on. Can you take a guess what it is that I circled this week after four years of putting it on the list? That's right, the damn picture wall. I circled the picture wall. Honest to God, that's what I've circled.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I have been wanting to do this for four years. I have been carting around these photos that I keep next to my desk. Some of the photos in there are things that I would like on the wall.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I literally said, I am going to move from talking and thinking about this, which I've been doing for four years, and it has continued to be on my brain dump for four years, and you're going to have things like that too. This was the week. This was the week that I'm like, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. And so I want you to do the same thing. I want you to... Circle it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
When you circle this thing, you're not committing to getting it done. This is a really important nuance here. And there's a lot of research that explains why I'm telling you, I'm not expecting you to complete it. If you were to circle the bookcase, You don't have to get the bookcase organized. All you gotta do in circling it is find 15 minutes. I call this your hot 15.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This is 15 minutes where you are gonna schedule time to just work on it and make progress. Because you and I both know in 15 minutes, I can't even find half the photos I need. I mean, I can't get much done in 15 minutes, but here's what I can do. I can actually move the ball down the field. Now here's the reason why it's critical for step three of the checklist for you to put it in the calendar.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
The reason why is it's not real until it's scheduled. If it's not in your calendar, it's not happening. This can't be an accident. Now is where you get serious. Now is where you move from having plans to planning. And there's this famous quote, maybe you've heard it, plans are nothing, planning is everything.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And, you know, it's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together, but today's conversation... This feels urgent to me. And that's why if you're a new listener, I want to take a moment and intentionally, purposefully welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am thrilled that you're here for this conversation.
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And so what I am committing to doing, and I've now already done it, I did it this morning, is I did a Google search, picture wall services. Turns out there's a lot of them. There's a lot of places online that can help you organize a wall of photos on your wall. I had no idea this was a thing. I guess I'm not the only idiot that's struggling with this.
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I also found a retail store in Boston that provides this service. I'm not going to name them because they're not a sponsor of the show, but I found it. And in 15 minutes flat, I also was able to look in my calendar and find a Sunday, which is normally the day that I travel down from our home in Vermont down to Boston ahead of the weeks where we tape our expert interviews for the show.
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So I found this Sunday. And I figured out a Sunday where I could come in earlier than I normally drive in and I made an appointment. Oh my God, I actually made an appointment. This is going down in three weeks from now. How freaking cool is it? I actually have an appointment. I've actually planned it in my calendar.
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I not only made the appointment, I was smart enough to realize I'm probably going to be there for four hours because I'm going to show up with this box that's been by my desk for four years and my folders that I've got of all my favorite photos online and I'm going to get started. Do you know how liberated I feel? You now get to decide what matters to you.
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This is like the theme of the week for you. And what's super cool is you don't have to do it right then. Just flip open your calendar and say, where's a 15 minute block that I could work on this? If you just get that block in, I'm going to pick up the guitar and I'm going to schedule it right here. And I'm going to schedule it for this period. My classes get out at three o'clock.
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I'm going to walk back to my dorm room and by 3.30, I'm going to be sitting there with my guitar in my hand. And make sure to put it in your calendar and make sure to put an alarm on it. Because again, the world is designed and is trying to steal your joy, your time, your energy, and your focus. This checklist and these simple little tools help you take it back.
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When you get those things done, you do feel liberated. You do feel more in control. And there's a lot of research around this. And it taps into something called the progress principle. And if you and I have been hanging out for a while or you've read either the five second rule or the high five habit, or you've been listening to the podcast, you've probably heard me talk about this.
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But I want to unpack this because the progress principle is one of the key principles that is foundational to my success. It's foundational to the way that I approach productivity, and this will change your life. And I want to tell you about how this comes from amazing research that has been done at Harvard Business School.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
There was a study at Harvard Business School where they found that one of the most important things that you can do every single week is to have this sense that you're moving forward on things that matter to you. Now, it's important to say they didn't say that one of the most important things you can do is to get a ton of things done on your checklist, did they? No, they didn't say that.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And because you made time to listen to this particular episode, I know that you're the type of person who values your time. You want to use it wisely. And here's what I'm going to tell you. This episode values your time too, because I'm going to teach you how to take your time back from a world who is stealing it.
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They said, based on the research... The most important thing is simply to feel like you made progress. And this is a critical difference because you're probably so focused on getting things done that you're missing where the real juice is. So you don't know what to squeeze. See, the researchers at Harvard Business School, they looked at 12,000 accounts.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
What they did is they had people who were working across seven different companies in different industries. They had them keep these journals about what they were focusing on during the week. And when they crunched all the data on 12,000 people across seven different companies, Do you want to know what they found?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
That the most common event that triggered someone saying, boy, I just had, quote, the best day, was that they made progress in some important work, either personally or with the team. Progress. The best day was not when they got the project done. The best day was feeling like, oh, I was actually able to make some progress on something that's important. This makes sense, doesn't it?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I mean, just think about it. Have you ever had to paint a room? I mean, hasn't everybody? I feel like I've painted my entire house, every apartment I've ever lived in. My poor parents, every time Chris and I moved, I'd be like, come visit. And they'd show up and be like, okay, let's go to Home Depot and get some paintbrushes. We're going to paint. Doesn't it feel good to just cut out the edges?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Like it almost feels better to make progress and get the edges cut than getting the whole thing done. See, here's the thing that they found based on the research. Simply moving the ball forward, simply spending 15 minutes, simply making a small amount of progress.
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I'm talking, you made the phone call, you made the appointment, you watched the video, you picked up the guitar, you actually sat on hold and had one more conversation that is going to help you eventually solve the healthcare claim. Progress creates more positive emotions in you
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See, you're in a more upbeat mood in general, and you also feel this sense of joy and warmth and pride when you know you're actually moving things forward. you also kind of have this sense of motivation. You feel more naturally motivated and interested in what you're doing when you make progress. It's almost like a little bit of forward motion keeps you feeling like you want to keep it in motion.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And that's what you're going to also find. I guarantee you, if you find 15 minutes to start working on that bookcase, you'll probably do it for 30 or 40 minutes. Because it's not the actual project that is difficult. It's carving out the time and getting yourself started and moving a little bit forward in a world that is constantly screaming at you for your attention.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I'm going to teach you how to take your energy and your focus and your joy back from a world that is designed to rob you of it. That's right. You heard me right. I mean, have you stopped to think about how you are now living in a moment in history where everything about the world today It is purposefully stealing your time. You've heard the phrase, time is money.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Alrighty, well, that covers three of the items on our checklist of seven things that make for a great week. And is this fun? I mean, who knew that a brain dump could be so fun? And I'm sure you're already starting to feel a little lighter knowing, oh, I'm going to cross things off. I'm going to get to circle things. Who knew this was arts and crafts?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Well, we're just getting started because we still have four, five, six, and seven to cover. You're going to love these just as much as the first three. I'm going to explain it after a short break. I want you to take a listen to our sponsors and also... Share this with the people that you care about because everybody deserves to have a great week.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And I know you're thinking, wait, where can I get that checklist? MelRobbins.com slash week. Don't go anywhere. We're going to unpack so much more when we return. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are going through the seven items on a checklist for having a great week. We have already dug deep into number one, which is a brain dump.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Number two, which is where you cross things off and free yourself of the burden of carrying all this stuff around that you're not going to do. And number three, we've discussed you finding the one thing that jumps out at you this week
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
that's meaningful to you, you're gonna find your hot 15, those 15 minutes where you're just committing to make a little progress, a step forward, move the ball down the field. As I already explained to you, for me, that was simply Googling photo wall services, picture wall services. I got a little bit more completed than I thought. I'm feeling great. You will too.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
That brings me to number four on our checklist for having a great week. And this one has some awesome research around it too. You're gonna love this. So while you're standing there with the calendar open and you've done all these amazing things and you got the hot 15 scheduled, I want you to scan the week ahead And here's what you're going to do next. Because item number four is plan your meals.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And I'm only going to ask you to plan one. Let me unpack this. I'm not trying to get you on a diet or have you lose weight. That's not what this is about. This is about having a great week. And one of the things that I've learned and one of the things that the expert after expert after expert comes on to this podcast and says is that food is medicine.
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And what you put in your body fuels your body and fuels your mindset. And one of the mistakes that I used to make is I used to let this happen by accident. You know, literally, I would not plan out the week. I would go to the grocery store with the rest of the planet every Saturday. I would be hungry, which basically means you're buying everything that looks good to eat right now.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I do not have a plan. I'm just filling up the cart. Half of the stuff that I buy is probably going to spoil it. And if you're kind of nodding your head or you're in that rut where you door dash every meal, you never cook, you don't have anything in your fridge, you get to work, you work till lunch, then you go, what am I eating? How about we stop that?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Because one way to have a great week is to actually put on the checklist and Meal prep. And meal prep in the Mel Robbins world is not meal prep on Instagram, okay? You do not have to make 75 meals. You do not have to prep high protein stuff. I'm talking about planning in one simple way so that you have a great week. And here's what this looks like. You're gonna have your calendar out.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Well, so is your energy, your focus, your joy. I mean, the headlines make you feel helpless. Work is endless. Social media, oh my gosh, doom scrolling. Stealing joy, stealing time, stealing energy. And your friend Mel Robbins, I'm going to tell you something. You have to wake up and take your power back.
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Just scan the week and then say to yourself, What could I actually plan ahead? And there's so many ways that this could look. It's incredible. You might have the kind of week that is so nutso that the only thing that you can do is make a brunch reservation for Saturday after you army crawl your way through this week. you're good. If you've planned that meal and it makes you happy, you're good.
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This could look like looking at the week and if you have a roommate or you live with a significant other or you're married like I am or you have kids that are living at home that can actually cook or adults that are living back at home, it might look like going, oh, check this out. On Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, We're all here.
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Why don't we figure out what we're going to have for dinner that night and actually look and say, okay, I'm going to make spaghetti on Monday night. I'm going to roast a chicken on Wednesday. I'm going to try this new recipe on Thursday. And then... Write out the ingredients that you need so that when you go to the grocery store, it's not like a traumatic experience.
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You're literally, you got a plan, you got your list, you know, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. Another tip that I loved is that whenever I do cook or whenever my husband and I get together and we say, okay, you're going to take Monday, you're going to take Wednesday. What I love about it is we double the recipe. And then that means we got dinner or lunch covered for the next day.
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And when you do this, you feel more in control of the week. I mean, this has been a big thing for me and my husband because we are now officially, what's the term? Empty nesters. I prefer bird launchers because they always fly back. But right now it's just Chris and I, the two dogs and the cat.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And what has happened because I kind of slacked off on my checklist and I didn't think about the meal planning is night after night, Chris and I literally emerge in the kitchen at like 6.45 after a day of both sitting separately. I'm above the garage working on the podcast and the Let Them Theory. He's down in his office working on his men's retreat, soul degree. We're basically busy all day.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And then we wander into the kitchen at 6.45. And because life has stolen our time, our energy, our joy, and our focus, we both look at each other and we're like, what are we having for dinner? I don't know. I don't know. You playing? I don't know. And now it's 6.45 at night. We don't live in a part of the world where restaurants are open past 8 p.m., so that's out the window.
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Now we're opening up the pantry, and I'm like, breakfast for dinner again? I guess it's breakfast for dinner again. And I'll be honest, I'm kind of annoyed because we don't have anything planned. And whose responsibility is it to plan? Both of ours.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And if you want a great week, you don't want to walk into the kitchen and feel like when you open the fridge, the only thing that you see in there is a mirage in a desert because you haven't gone to the grocery store and you haven't planned this. So that's what you're going to do as part of the checklist. This is item number four. And it could also look like this.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And if somebody forwarded this episode to you and recommended that you listen to it, I want to remind you of something. You have people in your life that care about you. You have people in your life that believe that your time and energy is valuable. That is a very cool thing. And you're now with your friend Mel, and I believe your time and energy is valuable.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
So last week I was in Boston all week and I don't know what it was that got me all excited. Oh, I know what it was. It was this checklist. I pulled out this checklist and I was going to be traveling to Boston. And as I looked at the calendar and I'm thinking, I am going to be living in a hotel five days a week.
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Every day we bring lunch into the studio and I know that the team's going to ask me, what do you want to eat? And I'm going to be like, hmm. And I thought, well, why don't I just make something? Why don't I make a soup that I love and just load it up into Tupperware and then eat it every day for lunch? Why not just meal prep for this big work week?
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I'll tell you what, I made my favorite thing to make. Our daughter, Kendall, found it online. It is fantastic. It's like chicken and spinach and jalapenos and scallions and ginger and garlic. And it's like health in a bowl. And you put rice in there and chicken broth and it's like so fantastic. And so I make this thing and then I put it in a huge Tupperware dish. And this is a funny thing.
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I literally... put it on the floor of the passenger side of my car. Thank God I have rubber mats. I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I am so organized. I'm so productive. I'm going to be so healthy. I'm driving down to Boston for a big production week to interview all the experts. And as I'm driving down, I'm talking to friends and catching up with people. I get to the parking lot at the studio and
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And I parked the car and I walk around and open up the passenger side. The freaking thing had leaked all over the front of the car. Thank God I didn't put it on the seat. Thank God it was on the rubber mat. But literally an inch of the soup was now on the rubber mat, bright green. I'm like, oh my gosh.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Anywho, that doesn't matter because I got it upstairs, washed it off because of course it was all sloppy and I didn't want to put it in the fridge. And... I had it all week. And everybody, you would have thought that I had shown up at the studio having lost 100 pounds and having six-pack abs. Everyone was like, what did you do? Oh my gosh, that looks so good. You're eating that.
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That looks amazing. Everybody wanted the recipe. It truly changed my life. And, you know, I'm kind of making a joke of it, but here's the other thing that happened for me.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Now, I'm serious about this. And it's crept up on all of us. Like you may have had this kind of feeling or you've been wondering, why am I exhausted all the time? Why do I never have time for myself? Why can't I focus? Why can't I make progress on something that's important to me? Well, I'll tell you why. It's because the world is designed
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Because I had taken the time to go through the checklist and I had decided that one way I was going to take care of meals this week and my food, and food is medicine and food is fuel, was to make this soup and just take care of my lunches, is that it's a really healthy soup. And it's a really filling thing.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And not only did I feel less stressed and I felt more focused, but the team kind of noticed it. My executive producer, Tracy, the one who still needs to organize her bookshelf, literally was like, you need to make that soup every single week because your body clearly runs well on it. And you're just like dialed in. You would come out of one interview, Now you're eating your soup that you prepared.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And so thank you for making the time to listen to this because the seven things on the checklist that I'm about to share with you, these are the secret, the foundational building blocks to you taking your power back from a world that is trying to steal it and purposefully, purposefully putting in place the seven things that will help you create a great week.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Now you're ready to do the next thing. It was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, because I'm taking away the decisions and I've actually set myself up to be fueled by something that tastes great and is gonna help me perform. And so now that I've done it, I don't know that I'm ever gonna go a week without trying to prep something that sets me up for success.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And that's why I want you to do it too, because based on the research, and the research is really interesting around this, People who take the time to prep their meals, and again, the bar is low for you and me. If you just prep one meal this week, you're winning.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
People who plan their meals, the research says you have better nutrition, you maintain a healthier weight, you save money, and it's better for your mental health. No joke. The research has shown that people who take the time to prep meals for the week have lower stress. Why? Because they have it covered. It makes sense, doesn't it?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And again, this is one of those things, and every one of the things on the checklist is clear and obvious and sort of a duh, but because you have so much going on and because of the state of the world, I think we have forgotten the basics that actually made life good. And so do this. I mean, one pot of soup versus four takeout meals?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
way less money, better mental health, because you got no decision fatigue and you know that in doing this, you're taking care of yourself. And check this out, people who prep their meals have lower stress because they've covered something that can be a source of stress.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And don't you also notice that if you wander into the kitchen at seven o'clock at night and it's takeout yet again, it's kind of stressful. And if it's takeout, it's not gonna be that healthy. Certainly not as healthy as what you can make in your own home.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
All right, we're not done with the checklist, but this is a good moment to hit pause and give our amazing sponsors a chance to say a few words. And while you're listening, share this with somebody that you care about. Everybody deserves to have a great week. And again, it doesn't happen by accident. It happens on purpose.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And you make it happen on purpose by following this checklist and planning for it. And so we got a lot more to cover. Don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. I'm so fired up that you chose to make time to listen to this because this is the simple seven-part checklist to having a great week.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Now let's move on to checklist item number five. One workout. That's it. Because that's another thing that makes up a great week. Can you just get one great workout in? That's all I'm asking. Not five, not seven, not three, one. If you want to do more, yay for you. You're fantastic. And you might be going, Mel, why just one great workout?
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Well, first of all, if you're not working out because you don't have the time, because of course you wouldn't, you live in a moment in history when the world is designed to steal your time and your attention and your energy and your joy. So if you can't find the time to get that great workout in, then it's not actually a habit for you yet.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And so it's never gonna be realistic if you feel like you don't have any time to say, oh, I'm gonna work out every day. All I'm asking you to do find one good workout, okay? One, because you can do that. You might not even be able to do it during the week, but you could do it over the weekend.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I mean, have you ever had one of those weekends where you go away with friends or you are planning to do something in the city that you live in? Like, let's say you live in New York City and you decide you're gonna walk the loop at Central Park. That's six miles. And you do it with a friend. And that takes like a couple hours. You look back on that weekend as one of the best weekends of the year.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Why? Well, because you were out doing something. That's available to you now and you can get it in if you plan. And if you say, all I'm asking of myself is one, one really good workout, one of my favorite yoga classes, just one. You know, I'm about to head to Los Angeles and there's a studio there that I love because it's dark and hot and sweaty and I love the music.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And when I go through the seven things on this checklist, I'm going to warn you. This is not like some super fancy, intellectual, crazy, complicated thing. On the surface, every one of the seven things is gonna be like, oh, well, that's a low bar, but they're so deep and so profound. The research you're about to hear is going to not only make every one of the seven things feel urgent,
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
you better believe I'm checking the box on this checklist and I am going to head to that yoga studio and be in that class and I can't wait. And the other reason why I'm saying just one awesome workout, because there's research around the power of one workout. Even if it's just 15 minutes. Remember how I talked about the hot 15? Yes, one 15-minute workout makes a big difference in your health.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This research comes from the University of Sydney, and the research was done in collaboration with institutions around the world, and it was published in the European Heart Journal. Now, this study enrolled, check this out, 72,000 people. and it tracked their physical activity over five years. So we're talking big study.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And in the published findings, even the people who only did 15 minutes per week of vigorous physical activity had a 17% lower risk of death from any cause and death from cancer compared with people who did nothing. And with about 50 minutes per week, Death from any cause, reduced by 36%. But if you can get just 15 minutes in, oh my gosh, that's amazing. And how are you going to get that in?
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
You're not going to do it while you're standing there with your brain dump and your things you've crossed off and the thing that you've circled and your meal planning. You're going to plan for it. And here's why.
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Because when you look ahead at the week, I bet you can find an afternoon or a morning where you can find time to go for a walk or you can ping a friend and say, hey, I'm going to go to this yoga class or I'm going to go to this CrossFit thing. Do you want to go with me? And one of my favorite hacks to make sure I get this in is if I'm going to stream a class ahead of time,
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The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I take the link to the class and I actually put it in my electronic calendar with an alarm. That way, when it comes time to exercise, I'm not searching for that thing that I thought I would do. In fact, I have exercised the last two mornings in a row because I selected a Matt Pilates class when I did this checklist last weekend. And two days ago and yesterday, I'm like, I can find the time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I can do it at 2.30 in the afternoon. And I scheduled it in my calendar and I put the link in there. And that way, when the alarm went off, I'm like, oh, and there's a class I'm going to take. Isn't that cool? That's so cool. Just one workout a week helps make it a great week. Love that. You know what else I love? The sixth thing that makes for a great week, plan time for rest.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Just find one moment. of quiet for you. That's all I'm asking. You've opened up the calendar and you've found time for that one thing that you're gonna make progress on. And now you've layered in what you're gonna plan for your meals to the extent you're gonna do that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And you found the one day that you're gonna do exercise and what it is and what you're gonna be doing and what time, all of that's taken care of. Now what I want you to look for is I want you to find a moment of quiet. That's it. Can you pick a night after work where you can just do something for you? My only requirement is that you're not looking at your phone. That's it. You got to rest.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Could you make a cup of tea? Do you have a book that you're reading that you would love to just sit down in your favorite chair and do that instead of turning on the TV or doom scrolling? What constitutes rest is not being on your device. And this is hard because it's very weird.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
One of the reasons why we doom scroll on social media and hours can go by is because it kind of lulls you into this trance and we mistake it for rest. That's not rest at all. It's actually keeping your brain really wigged out and active and keeping your nervous system on edge and screwing with your dopamine. That's what it's doing. So that's not rest. What I'm talking about is scan your calendar.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And I want you to find a time this week where you can give your brain and your body a little rest. And here's some ideas. Could you carve out a half an hour? Just take a bath. Or stand in a hot shower a little longer than you normally do. Could you have a cup of tea? Or make a mocktail? and sit down in a chair and do nothing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Could you pack up a towel and walk over to a park and just lay it out and lay down on the grass and just look up at the sky and watch the clouds? Could you go for a walk in the woods with the dogs? That's what my husband does. I think those are his moments of walking meditation and solitude and a reset. But don't take your phone. Don't be listening to anything.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
If you have your phone, keep it in your pocket. Don't be looking at it. Just be outdoors. How about picking up the guitar? And just strumming for the sake of playing music and resting or sitting down at the piano and just playing. Or if you're somebody that loves crafting, I mean, I'm a big knitter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
it's gonna make you know why they matter. And you're also gonna go, oh, well, I'm not currently doing these things. No wonder I feel powerless. No wonder I have no time. No wonder my energy is drained. And I can't wait to share this with you because you can do every single thing on this checklist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
When's the last time that you knitted anything or you picked up your needlepoint project or you picked up your paintbrushes? I mean, if you're like me, you think that rest gets nothing done and therefore you don't want to do it. You think that you got to always be doing something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Well, I want to tell you a little bit about the research on this, because the research says that if you are resting, you're just sitting there, feet are up, reading the paper, or just letting the cat sit on your lap. If you're doing that, you're getting something incredibly important done. First of all, you're reducing your stress levels.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This comes from a study from the University of Konstanz in Germany. They found that a short period of rest, even just 10 minutes, can activate your body's parasympathetic nervous system. Now, why do you want to activate your parasympathetic nervous system? I know, I know it's a big word. Parasympathetic nervous system is basically your calm, resting, confident state.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This is the opposite of fight, flight, or freeze. Your parasympathetic nervous system is just this rest and digest. That's what you'll hear the medical experts say. And it helps you counteract your stress response. And see, your stress response is on all day long. So the first thing that happens when you put your feet up and you just rest is that it reduces stress levels.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
you are intentionally flipping the switch between the world that is stealing your energy and stressing you out and your inner world where you have the capability of resting and putting yourself back into a de-stress state. Pretty cool, huh? What's the second thing that you're doing while you rest? You're increasing your mental clarity and focus.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Now this is research from Harvard Medical School that found that activities like mindful meditation, gives you mental clarity and focus. I mean, the fact is, you need to give your brain a boot. It's just like turning your phone off. How many times has your phone been like, turn the thing off, give it a reset, and then you power it back up? You're the exact same thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
So when you're resting, you're actually increasing your ability to process things, to face the rest of the day. And the third thing that rest does, well, it improves your physical and emotional health. A study from the National Institutes of Health and University of California found that allowing yourself time to relax can lead to better physical health and prevent stress-related illnesses.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This is one that in today's world, we do not do. And if you do not prioritize it, the world will steal it from you. And so if you feel burnt out, if you feel constantly on edge, if you feel chronically overwhelmed, you're procrastinating so much, you're gonna tell yourself, you don't have time to rest. I'm gonna tell you, you can't afford to not rest.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And the checklist is what makes this research that you're about to hear from Harvard Medical School, Harvard Business School, all of these incredible studies that have been done around the world. It makes all of this knowledge actionable and doable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
you gotta take this part of your critical life and health back. And the only way it's going to happen is if every weekend you look at this checklist and you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotta fight back. I gotta do this act of defiance. I gotta rest in a world that is telling me I need to be constantly doing something. That's not true. That's not true.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And this checklist is what's gonna help you start to make this a part of your week. And when you make this a part of your week, you're gonna have a great week. And that brings me to the seventh thing that is going to be part of your great week. And it is the seventh item on the checklist. You got to connect with somebody. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
So while you're still standing there and you've got the calendar out, and again, you've already gone through and done your brain dump. You have set yourself free. You've circled the thing that's meaningful to you. You found your hot 15 and scheduled it in for when you know you're going to make progress on it. You have identified the one lousy meal you're going to make.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And if you make more, fantastic. You have also identified the one workout you're going to do and you've put it in the calendar. You have also identified why rest is important and you've actually scheduled time to do nothing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
fantastic put your feet up you earned it and by the way what you just learned is why you got your feet up you're doing three important things that you really need go you see it's a great week and finally icing on the cake you ready connect with someone that's number seven look at that calendar when can you connect with somebody do you have time to meet for a coffee
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I mean, are you even leaving the house these days? Do you know I went five days, I was sick, but I went five days last week and I didn't even leave my house. So if that's you, I'm the same kind of person. I like my house and I also can just get so stuck in here because I'm always working or busy doing something that then I'm like, oh my God, I haven't left the house.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Can you take a walk with somebody? Because it's not just the people that you see on Zoom or at work that matter. What about the people in your life that bring you meaning? And so if you look at your calendar, now you can find a time to either invite somebody over for dinner, Or go out for dinner. Or go for a walk. Or make a date to go to a museum. Or go meet for coffee.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And before I jump in, and I cannot wait to jump in because I can't wait for you to take your power back and start having great weeks again, I know you're going to be going, oh my gosh, slow down, Mel. Do I need to write these down? I want to make this so easy for you. I want you to have a great week every week. So I have a one-page download for you that you can print out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Or go meet for, like, go do something. Go walk your dogs together. And the reason why this is cool is because if you have the time, oh, I'm going to go to this yoga class. This is how you can get a twofer in. I'm going to go to this yoga class. You want to come? Now that you have the time in mind, now you can reach out to somebody and say, would you like to meet up for coffee?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Would you like to get together and cook dinner? Would you like to go do this volunteer thing with me? And because you have this spot in your calendar, you can now make it happen. So I've mentioned that I often will go down to Boston. We tape all of our expert interviews one week a month.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And so we do a huge production week and I'll drive down the night before the production week starts, which means I have hours and hours in the car. And you know what I love about that drive? The entire time I'm in cell range, I literally call old friends. And it's not the same people every week. I use the drive as a way to catch up with people.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And it is so freaking cool to be able to catch up with people that way. I feel so connected to a lot of people because I use driving time as a way to just call somebody. And oftentimes you'll find that you're like, well, I don't have a lot of time. No problem. Call them. And when they pick up, be like, I was just thinking about you. I only have seven minutes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And then I'm going to lose cell reception or seven minutes and I'm going to get to where I'm going. And you can catch up and cover a lot of ground in just seven minutes. Another tip that's helped me a lot is, remember how I referred earlier to the fact that a good zone for me to find that hot 15 is...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
to arrive at my desk about a half an hour before the workday is going to start and to use that time at my desk to make progress on something. It's also a time where I will send a text or an email to somebody I've been thinking about. And it really does help. Or it's a time where I'll send a quick text to somebody saying, hey, I'm going to be in LA and I'm going to this yoga class.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Do you want to go? And this has helped me stay connected to people. And this really matters. It really matters. First of all, because I know you don't see your friends as much as you want to. And it matters because making friends and keeping friends tight as an adult is really challenging because everybody's super busy and everybody's drained and everybody's moving in a million directions.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And so it's really hard to organize. But this matters. And if you don't go through this checklist regularly, at the beginning of every week and plan for it, the connection starts to fade and you start to feel like you don't see your friends and you don't have friends.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And it's not true, they're there, but you have to, in a world that's gonna steal your time and energy and joy and focus, you have to steal it back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And the reason why this matters so much that you find a moment every week to either connect with somebody on the phone or connect with them in person, it relates to the most important study that's ever been done on human connection and happiness of all time. I'm sure you've heard of it. It is called the Harvard Study of Adult Development. This study started in 1938.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
You can hang it on your fridge. You can put it on your desk. You can put it on your dresser. It's free. Just go to melrobbins.com slash week. That's it. MelRobbins.com slash week. Put in your email. I'll email you a download. Boom. Now you got the checklist for every week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
It is still continuing to this day. It is one of the largest running studies on human happiness and health. It's been running for over 80 years, and it's given scientists and you and me profound insights into what actually are the factors that contribute to a fulfilling life. So what did they find about studying health and happiness in human beings for 80 years?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Well, let me give you the findings in a nutshell. So Dr. Robert Waldinger is the fourth director of the study. He's been on this podcast. He's actually one of the favorite experts that has ever appeared on the show. And Dr. Waldinger said that the study is conclusive. You need relationships to make you happy and healthy. And the key findings are undisputed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Number one, close relationships, more than wealth, more than fame, more than anything, are crucial for you to have a happy and healthy life. So that's why we're gonna put them on the checklist. And relationships protect you from life's challenges. They help delay mental and physical decline.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Participants in this 80-year-long study that had strong social ties, they experienced longer, healthier lives compared to those who were less connected. People who were lonely and didn't make it a priority. They didn't have it on the checklist. They had it in the back of their mind. Oh, I need to call so-and-so. But again, remember, you have to get it out on paper You have to plan for it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Otherwise, it's not happening. People who were lonely had earlier health decline and were less satisfied with their life. And as I'm saying this, aren't you kind of thinking to yourself, well, this is why the week gets away from me. It's true. Like it's kind of one of those conversations when you're like, Mel, you're just reminding me of what I know. You do know all of this. I know it too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
But it's so easy to have your time and what's important robbed from your attention. And instead, you find your days just filled with this meaningless nonsense or other people's emergencies or your energy drained by stupid stuff. It's happened to me. And I love this checklist because you can come back to it over and over and over again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And I want you to have the checklist because when you see it, it will remind you, oh, these are the seven things I need to check off. And if I check off these things, then I can plan to have a great week. But here's what we're going to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And this checklist summarizes into action the foundational research that creates the building blocks to not only a great week, but a much better life. You can find this checklist at melrobbins.com slash week, but I'm going to walk you through it real quick. First brain dump, free yourself by crossing it off. Choose one thing and schedule the hot 15. Plan one meal that you're going to cook.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Plan one workout. Plan one moment that it's time for rest and intentionally plan the time when you're going to connect with someone. You do that, you put it in your calendar, you check that list, you are having not a great week, but a fantastic one. I promise you. And don't just take my word for it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
You can count on it because of all the research that supports everything that I'm telling you and everything that I'm doing in my own life. And what's also interesting about this checklist is that the weeks that I have a terrible week, guess what? I can look back and see that I didn't do any of these or I only did one or two of them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This truly is the guarantee and the checklist to make the next week of your life a little bit better, a little bit brighter. And if you do all seven, I actually think your week is going to be way better than you think it's going to be. And you deserve that. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And what's interesting about creating a better life is that you don't do that over the course of years. You do that with the decisions that you make every day. And everything that you learn today is something you're capable of doing It's something that you know how to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Regardless of the day of the week that you're listening, regardless if it's a good week or it's a lame week or it's a hell week or it's an amazing week, I want you to listen to the entire conversation right now with me. I want you to learn and absorb everything.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
It's something that I think deep in your heart you know actually works. And that's why I'm so excited, not only to see what happens in your life, but I'm also excited to see what happens in the lives of everybody that you share this with when you use this episode as a way to connect with them and you share this with them as well. I just think the ripple effect is going to be incredible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And so thank you for taking the time to listen. Thank you for spending this time together with me. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about and want to connect with. And I'll talk to you in a few days. And in fact, I'm going to be waiting for you in the very next episode. I'll be there to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Can you hand me my yellow notebook so I can open it up and be like, it's over there. Do you see that yellow? Oh shit, I bet it's, is it downstairs or in there? Okay. Will you throw me a fat Sharpie marker? Is it right there? You don't have to go downstairs. Okay. Yep. Great. Okay. So here's what I'm doing. Here's how I'm using my hot 15.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I scheduled 15 minutes in my calendar this week to just find a Sunday where I can... Okay, hold on a second. Let me just find this. Two words that haunt me. Picture wall. I know. I didn't say it correctly. Picture wall. I can't say that word. I'm from the Midwest. You maintain a healthier weight. You save... Oops. Do you need me, Jesse? Yeah, hold on. We're dealing with dogs. Thanks, Jesse.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I'm so excited that you decided to listen to this episode. You know, it's always such an honor to be able to spend time, to be together with you. Hold on, I got something in my nose. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I want you to truly embrace the truth, the simplicity, and the brilliance of what I'm about to say to you that having a great week isn't what you think it is. Having a great week is a combination of seven simple things. And I'm gonna unpack all of them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
But I wanna make sure that you understand, before you try to implement it, the whole process, the research, the step-by-step stuff, you're gonna be nodding along, you're gonna be thinking of a million people you need to send this to, so be generous with it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And listen, and then you can go to melrobbins.com slash week and get the one page download so that you're reminded of everything we talked about and then you can implement it. I'm gonna do all the heavy lifting. I wanna set you up for success because you chose to hit play. You chose to make the time for this. And so by God, I'm not only gonna make this fun to listen to,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
to steal your time and energy from social media to the crazy headlines that make you feel helpless to endless work to to-do lists that never end.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
you are going to feel so excited about the week ahead of you because you're gonna have the seven item checklist that's gonna make it great. All right, you ready to jump in? Me too. Let's start with number one. And the very first thing on the checklist to creating a great week is you gotta do a brain dump. Now I know what you're thinking. What is a brain dump? It is as simple as it sounds.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
You're going to take everything that's up in your brain that's weighing you down and you are going to get it out of your brain and dump it onto a piece of paper. It is the equivalent of mental vomiting. You're just going to put it all out on paper. I have done this for years.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And for years, the way that I have used a brain dump is anytime I feel overwhelmed or I start to feel like I'm starting to ruminate or if you get a case of the Sunday scaries and you're starting to dread the week ahead or you feel like you've got a lot to do and you didn't get it done over the weekend, you need a brain dump. And here's what you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
You take out a piece of paper and you just start writing down everything that is in your head. And it's going to be random stuff. Like it is fascinating how much you actually carry upstairs in your mind and you're probably not even aware of it. Because you're going to start writing things like, I got to pick up the dry cleaning. I got to make lasagna. I got to call my mother.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I mean, I'm sure that there are so many weeks where you just crawl through your week and you get across the finish line and then you collapse over the weekend and the next thing you know, my God, it's Sunday night and you have the Sunday scaries and you're just right back in it again. You're just trying to survive. I know I've been there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I've got to finish that presentation at work. I need to finish reading that chapter. I got to clean out the drawer in my bathroom. And it's going to go, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. You might have to put down, I got to stop crying. It's going to be unbelievable. I got to buy the birthday present for that friend of mine. I got to call that friend back. It is incredible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Once you rip that seal open, how much is going to come pouring out of your mind and onto a piece of paper? And one of the reasons why a brain dump is so liberating is because, first of all, every time you write something down, you feel a little space in your mind free up. It's really cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
The second thing that you're going to notice is, holy cow, I actually carry a lot around and you're going to be kind of impressed with your mental capacity. And it's also going to show you, no wonder I can't focus on anything because I've been walking around up here with clean out the back closet and don't forget to call your sister and you got to pick up that thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Oh, you know, one thing that's on my brain dump is is we went on a family trip for my dad's 80th birthday. And one of the things that I've been carrying around ever since is I gotta get the photo album done. I gotta get that photo album done. You know how you do like one of those family photo albums with an online print photo thing? I gotta get that done. Gotta get that laid out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Gotta get everybody to contribute their photos to the family album. I am carrying that around. And so you're just going to brain dump it out. In fact, I did one yesterday and I used an entirely new approach. So I want to show it to you. Normally what I do is I dump it on one piece of paper. That's step one. Just get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out. It might take you 15 minutes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And then what you'll notice is 30 minutes from now, you're going to see that thing and be like, oh, there's that thing that I forgot. I forgot that I needed to do that thing at work. And so let me put that down. Oh, I forgot that I needed to send that email. Let me put that down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Oh, I forgot that I need to pull my sweater out of the washing machine and hang it up so that my roommate doesn't throw it in the dryer and then shrink my sweater into a Barbie size thing. And so you've got all of this upstairs and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
So yesterday I did one of these because a brain dump is always number one on the checklist for how I set myself up to have a great week because we don't want to carry that with us, right? We want to get all that out so we have a clear head and we also have a sense of what's actually important on paper. So yesterday, check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Yesterday, I was so overwhelmed because I'm about to go on a business trip to Los Angeles. So that means I got to pack, which always throws me into a complete frenzy. So yesterday, I decided, here's what I'm going to do. Instead of putting it on one sheet, I got three big Post-it notes out. I'm going to show you them. Actually, I'm going to show you one of them right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I did something about it and I want you to do something about it. See, I'm going to share with you this simple checklist that I created to help me take my power and my weeks back. And I am so excited to share this with you because it is this summary of things that I've been researching for a decade, teaching on corporate stages about happiness and productivity and focus.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Because normally what I do is I'll put the brain dump, because I know you're going to ask. I'm holding up if you're listening. I'm holding up just a garden variety notebook and I keep this by my desk. I'm not going to show you this because I do not want you to actually zoom in on the insanity that is my mind that I write in here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
But I'll often be at a meeting and work and I'll draw a line down the right-hand side of the paper and literally start a little brained up there. It's not a to-do list. Very important, not a to-do list. I have no intention of getting any of this stuff done. I'm just dumping it down on paper to get it out of my brain because I'm starting to notice that I'm swirling and I'm getting overwhelmed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
So again, very important to understand that a brain dump, not a to-do list. Here's another notebook. This one's prettier, I know, even has my name on it, Mel. This one is the notebook that I use for like my therapy notes and important things. But occasionally, oh, there's a brain dump there. There's sketching of something that I want to redesign at my house.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
Oh, here's another brain dump right here. Here's another, wow. I got a lot of brain dumps in this fancy notebook. But again, it's not a to-do list. And that's what's so liberating about this. You're actually just creating space in your mind. But that brings me to how did I do it yesterday? This is a level up on the Mel Robbins brain dump. Let me tell you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
What I did is I have these kind of big post-it notes. I literally... Put three post-it notes out on the island right here. Check this out. And I put work at the top of one, and then I put personal, and then I put home. So it was work, personal, and home. And I put them on the counter in the kitchen. And all day long, it was the most liberating thing over the weekend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I would just walk past and be like, oh yeah. I got to get ready for the speech I'm giving for Microsoft. Oh, yeah. I got to remember to pack three microphones for LA. Oh, yeah. I got to make sure to do this thing that's not going to make any sense to you, but the code is MAP and the blueprint and map it to the marketing ops job, which means absolutely nothing, but it means something to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And more importantly, now that it's on this little post-it note, it is not in my brain. And that's what you need. And so whether you start... this checklist by just taking out a piece of paper that is from your printer paper, or a spiral bound notebook, or your journal, or you use this three post-it note system, work, home, and personal, and you just keep it out. Keep it out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And you just are dumping it out. That's what you're doing. And one of the things that you're going to notice, and this is where things get liberating, is especially the things that were on my list for home, 99% of the stuff on my list is not happening this week. And yet I'm carrying it around in my head. I'm not going to organize my bathroom drawers right now. That's not what I'm going to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
I am not going to go through the pantry and find everything that's expired and actually get rid of it. That's not what I'm going to do. In fact, you want to know what's come up on my to-do list for home over and over and over and over again? I'm almost embarrassed to tell you this because I've talked about this on social media. I think I've talked about this on the podcast before.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And I've boiled it down into this super simple seven item checklist. that will help you fight back against a world that's stealing your time, your energy, and joy. Enough. The fact is, you can take control of this, and you need to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
But what comes up every single time I do a brain dump? Every weekend, literally. I have lived in this house in Southern Vermont for four years. We don't have a single photo of anyone in our family hanging on any wall. Not one, not one. Four years I have lived here, four years, and not a single photo of our family hanging on any of the walls.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
And so every single time I do a brain dump, do you wanna know the two words that ends up on that single piece of paper or this weekend in my elevated home brain dump list? Picture wall. I mean, I know you have something like this. In fact, as we were talking as a team about this, our executive producer, Tracy, was like, oh my God, I can't believe you just said that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
My husband and I have lived in this apartment for almost a year. I am sitting next to a shelf that still has baggies on it. It is on my to-do list to organize the shelf. I'm not going to get this done this week. And I'm like, exactly. Exactly. And you still need to dump it on the brain dump list because this is not a to-do list.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I just read this crazy statistic. It kind of blew my mind, but at the same time, it made a ton of sense. And I think it's going to make a lot of sense to you too. And it's this. Based on research, 70% of us right now are living our lives in a state of chronic stress. And this isn't just a feeling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Okay, I really want to try to understand this because when you said the word horizonlessness, I immediately had that image of standing kind of on a beach, this is what came to my mind, and looking out at the ocean or Lake Michigan, which is where I grew up, and all you see is a blank horizon, nothingness beyond the edge of the ocean. And to me, that sounds like a lack of direction.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And then I immediately think about like our oldest daughter when she came back from this backpacking trip that she had planned for and saved for for eight years and then all of a sudden gets home and has no job and is like, oh my gosh, now what?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Or I think about friends that are going through a divorce or they have a major job change or they get a diagnosis and they look out on the horizon and they don't have a sense of direction. That's what I thought this was.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
But it sounds like that's only a part of it, that a big piece of horizonlessness is this like inability to feel excited about your future because of the amount of stress that has been building up. Am I am I processing this correctly?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Well, what's interesting is if I think about the thing that I've learned from you about stress, is that medically speaking, if you're in this kind of stress response where you're on edge and your amygdala is turned on, If I recall, you can't leverage the part of the brain that helps you plan and think ahead and get excited about things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
The good news is you have power because your power is in how you respond to these things. And you're going to learn three things to do today that will help you lower the stress. It will help you reset your nervous system. This is all coming from Dr. Aditi. You're going to love this. So you are in the exact place at the exact time where you need to be.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Is that part of the reason why this horizonlessness is so common right now? Because people have been so freaking stressed out that they can't even turn on the part of the brain that helps them get excited and plan and look to the future? That's right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
So I want to try to really land the plane because I feel like this could be a huge aha as you're listening to Dr. Nurikar, either for you or for somebody that you care about. Because I think when somebody gets into a state where... In your language, medically speaking, your brain is locked in a stress response, which is why you're so overwhelmed and blah and stuck and lacking of energy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And you're bringing in this term, this horizonlessness. It's easy to blame it on, I'm stuck, I'm depressed, I'm this, I'm that. And you're actually saying, wait a minute, before you start to label it these big things, Really take a look at the fact that this is a hidden cause of chronic stress. And this is also the result of you holding so much in and managing so much uncertainty.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And then the dam freaking breaks and you don't have the capacity in your brain to be able to look ahead and get excited about anything. I can think of dozens of people in my life. I can think of periods in my life where I've felt this way. And what do you do? Like, could you talk to someone that is listening to us right now that is this is resonating, why does it matter that they label it this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And what the heck do you do if you go, oh, I think I'm dealing with this thing that Dr. Nurikar is talking about, or I think that my son or daughter is. It's not that they're lazy and they can't get a job. It's not like that they don't have any ambition. They have this thing that Dr. Nurikar is talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I just got this. Oh my God. Okay, so this is what you feel after you've been trying to hold it together under all this stressful stuff. And then all of a sudden, either the stress is over because the divorce is done or the diagnosis has happened or you found the job after the job search or you made it through the really terrible quarter at work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And by the time you're done listening, you're going to have your power back. You're going to learn how to lower your stress and you're going to feel more energized. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. And first of all, it is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And now the dam is broke because you don't have to hold it together anymore. And what happens when that dam breaks is it floods your brain and now your brain is drowning and you can't leverage the motivation or the clarity to figure out how to get excited about life again. Is that right? Nailed it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
This is terrible. So what do you do about it? So like if somebody's like, oh my God, you've just described my life. What do you do? Like, how do we move forward?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Because I think in seeing this, and that's the point of the four things that you're going to talk about today, that you have to understand that this is a common thing and understand the medical issue that's going on so that you can take the steps to that remove this as a source of stress. So what do you do if you're like, that's true, I've been holding it all together. The dam is broken.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I'm exhausted. I can't get excited about life. I don't even know how to motivate myself anymore. And even when I do push myself out of bed or to the gym, it lasts like a millisecond. So how do we clear this horizonless out of somebody's life so that you can get excited about what you're looking at in terms of your own future?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I am so excited about today's conversation because I know that by the time we're done today, you're gonna just feel more peaceful. You're gonna feel more in control. And I so want that for you. And I also wanna take a moment to welcome you. If you're brand new, this is the first time that you've listened to an episode, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. The fact that you've hit play
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
You know what I love about the way that you talk about stress? I love that you blame it on biology. And I love that you are blaming it on the brain function and normalizing that this is exactly how your brain and body works when it gets overloaded. And this is not the moment to set new goals. This is not the moment to start an exercise routine. This is not a moment to start like...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
putting more stuff on your to-do list and just powering through, you're saying as one of the most renowned medical doctors and experts on stress in the world, that this is actually a medical condition. And just like if you broke your freaking leg, you wouldn't be playing pickleball on it this afternoon. You need to let it rest and reset. Recognizing that horizonlessness is a symptom
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
of an overloaded brain in terms of the stress response and recognizing that you gotta give it time to be able to reset itself, To me, like that makes, because a lot of times when I'm super stressed and somebody's like, oh, you got to take a break, you got to slow down. I'm like, no, I can't because I'm so stressed. But if a medical doctor says, you have a brain stuck in stress mode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
This is a sign that tells me this is so. And just like you have to repair a broken bone and not to say that your brain is broken. but that you've got to get your brain working correctly and the biology reset before you'll be able to feel excited about the future again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Okay, so let's break down the two things that you're going to do because we now know we can't step on the gas. We now know because you've made us smarter that when you feel this way, it's not a sign that your life is going nowhere. It's a sign that stress has overwhelmed you and you need to take care of yourself so that your normal, amazing functioning can come back online.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And you say there are two things that you can do. immediately that are free and what are they?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
on this episode tells me something important about you. It tells me that you're the kind of person that truly values your time, that you're making time to listen to something that can help you improve your life, that can help you feel better, and today's conversation is absolutely going to do that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Some days, some days. And I'm going to be honest with you. Because when you said, look forward to your cup of coffee or go for a walk or journal, I almost... rolled my eyes. Because when you feel that loss, and I have definitely felt that way in my life, where I look out and I'm like, this is really what my life is? For real?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And I felt a sense of relief when I hear from Dr. Aditi, oh wait, this is a biological response to an overwhelming amount of stress. This too shall pass if I give myself the space to allow it to pass. When you listed off the particular things to do, it kind of is like, okay, throw away advice, whatever. I've heard this a million times.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
But when you said the word agency, something interesting happened. And this is what I want to highlight to make sure as you're listening, you really understand the power of the action. See, when you feel stuck or hopeless, I'm just going to speak for myself here. And I'm going to speak on behalf of my family when I've witnessed them being in their stuckness and hopelessnesses.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
The emotion itself makes you feel like doing nothing. And as you do nothing, you feel even worse. And so the condition is keeping you from doing the simple and on the surface dumb things that do make a difference physiologically, neurologically, and medically speaking.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And so if you kind of had that eye roll moment when you heard look forward to your tea or take a bath or journal or walk, I am so with you. And so is Dr. Aditi because she's like smiling. She did run the largest stress clinic like for Harvard Medical System here in Boston. The issue is agency.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And what Dr. Aditi is talking about is that when you go for that walk, even though you say this isn't going to help, The action of walking proves that you don't believe you're stuck. When you say, I'm going to look forward to that coffee, the action itself is proving that you are going to start looking forward to things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And we're going to talk about stress and we're going to talk about ways that you can lower your stress. But I want to put this inside a much bigger context for you because this episode happens to be releasing on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in the United States. And a couple weeks ago, I had the extraordinary honor of sitting down with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
When you crack open the gratitude journal and you have nothing that you're grateful for and you find something anyway, the fact that you can still hold a pen, the fact that you have a journal, the fact that you got a moment, you are proving through the action that the emotions don't rule you. And that's why this matters, right? Well, we can even go back to physics, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Can you tell me how long this is going to take? Because I've been in that mode of feeling completely in the molasses of emotion.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
's son and his daughter-in-law. They have a brand new podcast called My Legacy. It was an extraordinary experience. And during that wide-ranging conversation, which I can't wait for you to listen to, we covered so many topics. We, of course, talked about the Let Them Theory and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I love that you have, as a doctor, given us the medical explanation for what's behind this feeling and how it's causing stress and reminding us that it's not about doing more. It's really about letting your body reset itself, which it's designed to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
If you simply focus on the things that you know you should do, get better sleep, push yourself through the emotion, take the walk, start to step back into your life, and slowly but surely, you will start to feel like yourself again. Dr. Aditi, I know I've said it before, but I just love all of the wisdom and the science and the tips that we can put to use immediately.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
There are so many people that I'm going to share this with. And as you're listening, please share this episode because it will really make a difference in someone else's life. And it's a simple way to say, I really care about you. And you can send them Dr. Aditi to help. Alrighty, we're going to take a quick pause here. A word from our sponsors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
We will be waiting for you with more tips, more wisdom, more science after a short break. So stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so glad you're still here because we are learning so much from Harvard's Dr. Aditi. And Dr. Aditi, I had another question that came to mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
There is a second factor that is causing a tremendous amount of stress for people right now and surprisingly impacting the 20-somethings. And I'd love to hear you share about this second topic of loneliness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And I've been talking a lot about the Let Them Theory, which is a simple mindset tool that helps you identify in a moment what's in your control and what's not in your control. And there was something that Martin Luther King III said to me on his podcast, My Legacy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
78% of kids in their 20s are struggling with loneliness? Yes. And here's one thing I want to say. I know that there's a big light at the end of the tunnel about what we're going to do about this. So as you're listening, I don't want you to get like super depressed. Like part of the reason why I wanted to talk to you about these four topics is because people are struggling on their own with this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And when you think that you're struggling on your own, you beat yourself up and it makes it worse. And there are very simple things you can do to understand the topic and to do something about it. That the power truly is in your hands if you understand that this is something very common and you're not alone in struggling with it. Can you explain the difference between loneliness
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
versus spending time alone? What is loneliness?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Got it. Okay. There's also research that you wanted to share about how damaging this is to your health.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
that I wanted to share with you because I think it sets up the conversation that we're about to have in a much more powerful and profound way in terms of what's available to you based on what you're going to learn today. And here's what he said as we were talking about this issue of recognizing when something is out of your control. And that true power lies in your response.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Wait, so if you're feeling lonely, which means you're emotionally disconnected from other people, it has the same health risk as smoking 15 cigarettes a day?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I think this is a really important topic because I have gone through major periods in my life where I realized that I was extremely lonely. And what felt really bizarre about it is that I was surrounded by people. So when I was traveling a lot from work, I was on planes with people all the time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I would go to events and there would be thousand people in the audience and people backstage and I'd be talking to people, but I constantly had this just nagging sense of not being alone, but being lonely.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Yes. And there are even stages in my marriage where I think about kind of Chris and I in our corners and we're deep in caring for young kids and, you know, his business is struggling or we're just not communicating well. Life has become all about the logistics that we're not really connected that I... We've both felt really lonely in our marriage. And...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I'm thinking about our son who's starting college and the experience of not finding your people yet. And you're around all these people, but you don't really know anybody and you feel lonely. So recognizing that this is super common is the first step. But what is your recommendation to in terms of what you do about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Because I think part of the process about feeling lonely is that I don't know about how you feel as you're listening, but if I'm in a room and I feel lonely or like I don't have anybody to talk to, the fact that other people are around makes me feel worse because it seems like everybody else has a friend or everybody else doesn't have a problem with this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And then that makes me kind of withdraw more, which means now I'm even more isolated.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
What you're going to learn today is that this is actually a medical condition. It's a physiological state when you feel chronically stressed out. And so I want you to hear something. If you're feeling like you're constantly tired, if you woke up today and you're like, why can't I just like get back into the groove? What is going on? I want to tell you something. This isn't your fault.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And we're going to really focus on that today. But I want you to hear these words from Martin Luther King III. As he was reflecting on the power of the let them theory, he said, Mel, when you say let them, this is a truth that defined my father's leadership. that true power lies in our response. My father believed that nonviolence was not passive, but it was the most courageous form of action.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
We don't talk about it because you feel like a loser when you're lonely. Because the perception is, where did all my friends go? And why does everybody's life look like a big party? And I literally am not connecting with anybody. And I will share a quick story because again, I think one of the things that I am really passionate about is highlighting why something matters.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Because oftentimes on the surface, the solution to a problem that you're facing, and let's be honest with each other, loneliness is a huge problem. You deserve to have amazing friends. I remind myself all the time that some of the most favorite people that I will meet in my life, I have not even met yet. And that sense of hopefulness that there are extraordinary people on the road ahead and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
That makes me shake loose from that emotional straitjacket that can take hold. And I remember, and I want to share this because I think it's really important. When we moved, so I lived in Boston or outside of Boston with my husband and our three kids for 26 years. Sense of community, you know where you are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And then we moved to Southern Vermont, like so many people did over the past four years, relocated to different areas as hybrid work picked up. I woke up in a brand new place that I was, by the way, excited to be in and was like, what have I done? I didn't see my friends back in Boston. Now I'm in this whole new community and I sat in my house for months.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I was that statistic of I didn't talk to people for two weeks at a time. And I just fed into this, I'm never going to meet people. I'm so lonely. How am I going to break in when everybody's got their friend groups? And I will tell you firsthand, which is why I'm so passionate about this research. Do you want to know how I finally made friends, Dr. Aditi? Please, I would love to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I got my rear end out of the freaking house. I think I was struggling with loneliness and the horizonlessness at the same time. It was like all crashing down. I forced myself to go to this coffee shop that I loved. Now, mind you, I had been going there, but I didn't talk to anybody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I would get my coffee and then I'd sit in the corner and I would feel sorry for myself and I'd read my book and then I'd go home and I'd cry to Chris and I have no friends and I'm really lonely and why do we move? And then finally, I just started to turn to the people next to me. Hi. It's awkward. Do you guys live here? And you start casual conversation. Exactly what you're talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And what ends up happening is this. When you feel lonely, you don't feel connected to anybody. When you start to say hello to the people that you bump into in your day-to-day life, you are building a crazy scaffolding of familiar faces. You don't need to know their life stories. Simply saying hello to people made me feel like I was part of a community.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Choosing peace when hatred tries to provoke, by refusing to react with bitterness, we reclaim our power and shape a better future. I just love that. He went on to say, let them doesn't mean you're giving away control. It means you're reclaiming it. By choosing how we respond, not by feeding into anger, hatred, or negativity, we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And one awkward hello at a time, it took me about six months. And that's why I like to say, how long does this take? How long do I need to keep doing this? For me, one hello at a time to bump into some of the most favorite people that I've ever met in this teeny little town that I now live in. And so it's the same advice I give to my son who's now in college.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
You have to get out of your dorm room and stop watching your old life. And you have to start saying hello to strangers and the person who is emptying the waste paper baskets. Because the more familiar faces that you have, the more you feel connected and the more you come out of your shell. And I think sitting around expecting this to somehow solve itself is the worst thing that you can do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I am so grateful that you canceled everything on your calendar in order to be here with me and the person listening today. So thank you. I already know the first person I'm sending this to. And as we take a quick pause, we can hear a word from our sponsors, which allow me to bring this information to you at zero cost. Please take a moment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
and share this episode with somebody who you would love to see feeling less stressed because the information that we've already covered and all that is to come will help them feel better. And it's something simple that you could do. Okay. Alrighty. We'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us. Welcome back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
It's your friend Mel, and I'm here with the amazing Dr. Aditi, and let's just jump right back into it. Let's move on to the third kind of thing that's in the background that so many people are dealing with. I saw you put up a social media post about this report from the Surgeon General about... the level of stress that parents and caregivers are facing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
As we're seeing with every topic, labeling it and calling it out as a form of stress is really important because that makes you realize you have to do something to take better care of yourself, that this is a real thing and it's not you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
As both my father, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 's legacy says, and his father, Daddy King, and their vision of nonviolent action. You know, Daddy King once said, Mel, in the face of unimaginable loss, I refuse to let hatred reduce me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Because on your lifespan, I'm like, death? Wait, what? What's happening?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I guess the question that I have is, as I'm hearing this, and I'm thinking about this report, and I'm thinking about how stressful parenting is. And even when they leave, the problems are just bigger and more expensive. It's not that like that ever ends in terms of the stress and the worrying about, but you're talking about the acute stress of the caregiving aspect of always needing to be on and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Do we need a shift cognitively where you just are like, okay, the next 18 years of my life, we're going to be wildly stressed out. And that means I'm doing this correctly. Sort of like you're like, okay, for the next nine months, I'm pregnant and I'm going to go wide. Then I'm going to go out. The pants are not going to fit. This is going to be what it's going to be. I'm not going to resist it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
I'm just going to jump right into it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And when you recognize the strength that you hold in your response, you realize that you hold the power and that you can transform your family, your community, and even the world. And today we are going to be talking about the fact that true power lies in your response. And if you're feeling stressed out or overwhelmed by the world around you,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Okay, I want to highlight that. So you just said, and I want to make sure that as you're listening, because I think also a lot of us in the trenches of parenting or caregiving of an aging parent, which is also a grind on your stress as well, that There are different motivations for taking care of yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And if you're motivated by being the best parent that you can, understanding that your kids are four times more likely based on the research to have mental health issues. And general health issues. And general health issues. If you are not taking care of yourself, there's your reason why. I'm going to give you another one. You are not put on this planet simply to be somebody's mother or father.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And until you start to take care of your health, you will always limit the potential of what is possible for yourself. And you are also modeling for your children that what parenting looks like is sacrifice, stress, not taking care of yourself. And that's exactly what they're gonna grow up and do to themselves.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And if you want your kids to learn how to take care of themselves and how to be healthier and how to prioritize good habits, you have to model it. And it is possible for you to take care of yourself and to give a little bit more agency to your kids and to your partner if you have one and to ask for help.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And these are all functions of a healthy human being, which is what you want your kids to grow up and be and what you deserve to be now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And one of the things that I love about your advice is that it constantly comes back to not sitting around waiting for somebody else to change this, but the power that you have in your own hands to make a decision that, yes, it's stressful, but you're going to get better at managing it. And sleep is a huge piece of this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Is there any other takeaway that you want somebody who is in the throes of caregiving to have as something that they can do now to better manage the stress? Because you can't remove all of the external stuff that's going on. You can only get better at how you respond to it and how you take care of yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Dr. Aditi, thank you. so much for taking time out of your incredibly busy schedule to not only come and bring the science and the passion and the research and to reveal these factors that a lot of us don't realize are very, very common and acute causes of stress, but more importantly, giving us specific things that we can do in order to feel better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
You're awesome. And I wanted to make sure that in case no one else tells you that I tell you that I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And there is no doubt in my mind that learning what stress is and how to manage it is something that will help you live a better life. And you deserve that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
that today you're going to get this deep sense of validation that you're not alone. that there are forces outside of you right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
So I hope you take absolutely everything that Dr. Aditi poured into you and shared with you and you not only use it to manage your own stress and to become happier, but that you share this with somebody that you care about because it's going to help them too. Alrighty, I'll see you in the next episode. sweating. You're sweating? Oh my goodness. Why? Profusely. Oh, for God's sakes. Really? Always.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Although I always joke that the worse I look, the better the content does. So. Seriously, all you need to do is show up and shine, woman. Do you know how hard it is to get a medical appointment with you? It is a gift, for God's sakes. Like, you are literally giving people world-class medical advice. Oh, I'm great. This isn't about me. It's just you and I going on a walk.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Yeah, this is about the data. It's just making me laugh because I don't know. Good, good, because the more you are having fun... I love you so much. I'm having such a fangirl experience right now. You and I are going on a walk right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
What is a parasocial relationship?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And in fact, you're gonna learn about three things that are causing probably the most amount of stress for you or for the people that you love, because these are the three things that our expert today, Dr. Aditi Noorakar, based on her research, is saying are things that are out of your control and they create an extraordinary amount of stress for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Is that a good thing? It's a great thing. Do I have mine? I love you. You're great. You're great. You're great. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
When you hear these things, you're gonna feel validated. And more importantly, we're then going to talk about how your power is not in those things out there. It's actually in your response to them. That's what the conversation is about. And you're going to absolutely love it. So let me tell you a little bit about Dr. Aditi. Dr. Aditi is a Harvard professor. medical doctor. She's a researcher.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
She's a bestselling author. She's a world renowned expert in stress and in public health. She is a lecturer at Harvard Medical School. She's also a mother and she's married and she's busy just like you and she understands the pressure that you're in. She was the medical director of Harvard Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital's Integrative Medical Program. What does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
That means she ran the largest stress management clinic, seeing patients every day and teaching them all of these integrative approaches, these evidence-based approaches that helped her patients feel better. And today, that's what she's going to do for you. She is going to help you feel more peaceful. She is going to help you get your power back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
She is going to help you focus not on all the things out there, but on the power in here and the power of your response. And today specifically, she's going to highlight three key struggles that she sees in her patients every single day. She's going to validate how you're feeling. And more importantly, she's going to give you your power back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Because you do have the power to change your response to the forces outside of you. And today you're going to learn how. So without further ado, you and I are going to go to our Boston studios where Dr. Aditi Noorakar and I are going to have this extraordinary conversation with you. Let's do it. Dr. Aditi Noorakar, I am so excited to see you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
This is what the majority of people are feeling. If you're feeling this, I know I'm feeling this, you're not doing anything wrong. See, what you're gonna learn today, because I'm like, oh, whoa, if 70% of us are dealing with this, I'm tracking down the world's leading expert on stress. She is here. Her name is Dr. Aditi Nur. You're going to love her.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming back to the studios in Boston. It's a pinch me moment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
Well, I got a high bar for you. So I don't want to freak you out, but my expectations are very high because the last time you and I had a conversation, you changed the way that I think about stress and And it has had a huge impact. And if you're listening to this episode, and this is the first episode that you've ever heard, don't worry. I will summarize it real quick for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And I want to try to summarize it. And if I get something wrong, Dr. Aditi, I want you to fill in the gaps. But basically, I always used to think about stress as just this feeling, this kind of overwhelming thing that just... interfered with my life. I'm stressed out. I'm frustrated. I'm stressed. I'm this, I'm that. But I actually never understood what it was.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And it wasn't until you said, Mel, medically and physiologically speaking, stress is when your prefrontal cortex or thinking brain turns off and this little second almond-shaped thing in the middle of your mind turns on. And all of a sudden, your brain is now in a response mode that has hijacked your ability to to be calm and to think.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And the problem for, I think it was 70% of people, at least in the United States, is that we are living in a chronic state of the stress mode of your brain always being on. How'd I do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
21 of the 30 people are feeling that way. That's crazy. And that's one of the reasons why I love the way that you're going to teach us about stress today is because it's one of those things that's humming along in the background. And if you understand this is actually a physiological and neurological state, it's not just the feeling in your body. but you have the ability to reset it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
And most people don't realize that you're actually struggling with something that's very common, that is the cause of the stress. And there are things that you can do about it once you actually understand what the hidden cause is. And the first one is a term that I had never heard of. Can you explain what the first one is?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
We're talking professor at Harvard Medical School. She is also the former director who ran the largest stress management clinic in the entire Harvard system. Her research is showing that 70% of us, that means you, it means me, it means the people that you care about, are in this physiological state where we're in fight or flight. This is why you're so tired.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
You said, okay, great, I can get through this. So is that what you mean by damn? It's like the wall goes up in your mind?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
What do you mean? Wait, are we feeling the hopelessness or are we feeling the psychological safety?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life
This is why you're chronically feeling exhausted. And today we're gonna do something really cool because today Dr. Aditi is going to unpack her research and she's going to teach you that there are three things that are happening in the world around you that are largely out of your control. that are creating this condition of stress in you. But then she's going to give you the good news.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know, today I wanted to talk to you about six subtle ways that you're being disrespected right now. And this is such an important topic because I'm sure you felt it. there's tension in the air, right? Everywhere you go.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
It means that the person doesn't care to hear what you have to say. And that's a form of disrespect. And there's some really interesting research around this because when it happens, you're kind of like, did they not hear me talking? And you kind of feel a little shut down. Well, here's what we're going to do instead.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And more importantly, we're not only gonna highlight these six subtle ways, I'm gonna give you the research pack methods and tools to call it out, to diffuse it, to protect your time, to protect your energy, because while you may be feeling it, you don't have to live like this because yeah, people's fuses are short right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
So if somebody starts talking over you, whether you're sitting at a meeting at work, the advice is going to be exactly the same. This comes from research from Harvard Business Review. Really interesting article that was written by Harrison Monarth. And what you're going to do if somebody starts talking over you, you're in a meeting, you're talking, all of a sudden John starts talking over you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
First things first, keep talking. Just keep talking. And a real power move is, and you can hear me doing it now, slow down. So as you're talking, slow down. And the second thing that you're going to do, and this comes from this article that Harrison Monarth, a New York Times bestselling author and coach who's quoted in this Harvard Business Review article says, use their name.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
So let me give you an example. Mike, I'm going to finish my point. This is an important topic and I just wanted to make sure that everyone's informed and I'll be glad to get your feedback, Mike, after I've shared my perspective, but I'd like to make sure you actually hear my perspective first. Boom. Holy cow. You know what happens when you do that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Nobody knows what to say because you didn't stop talking and And if the person keeps talking you over, mom, I'm going to finish my point. You know, I'll be glad to hear your feedback, mom, after I've shared my perspective, but I'd actually like to make sure you hear my perspective first. And then mom, like, I'd love to hear yours. Whoa. I mean, that's pretty amazing, isn't it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You don't have to stop talking. You don't have to give in. You had the floor. Don't let your brothers and your sisters or some colleague talk over you. And then when you're done talking, here's the final thing you do. You know, mom, I know you had some thoughts earlier. What would you like to share, mom? Or, you know, Mike, I know you were trying to insert your ideas earlier.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I would love to hear what you have to say now, Mike. Talk about just a confident and calm and emotionally mature response to because I'm going to say it again. If somebody is chronically talking over you, whether it's your family or your friends or someone at work, they have actually no interest in listening to what you have to say. That's disrespectful.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And if somebody doesn't respect what you have to say, stop giving them power. You need to respect what you have to say enough to keep on talking. That's why you keep going. And using their name stops them. Mike, Mom, dad, hey, everyone, I'd be happy to hear what you have to say when I'm done sharing what I'd like to say. That commands the room.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And it does feel like the world is at a simmer and it's ready to boil and everybody is stressed out. But here's what I want you to know. You don't have to go through your day-to-day life feeling like you're being disrespected because the way people treat you, that's a reflection of them. But what you allow, that's on you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You know what I love about this strategy is that you're holding your power. See, respect starts with you. And when you use this strategy that you just keep talking, and if the person doesn't shut up as you are slowly talking,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Because what's going to happen when two people are talking, whether you're at a dinner table or you're out at a restaurant or you're sitting at a meeting at work, is everybody else starts to get uncomfortable because they're not quite sure who to listen to. So they're going to start looking around. And the person that interrupted you is going to start talking louder.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
But as you just quietly keep talking and you slow down, And then at some point, you're going to start to feel a little annoyed that the other person is starting to talk louder. Then you drop in the name, Mike, Mom, and that gets their attention. And then you redirect. Be happy to hear your thoughts, but this is an important thing I wanted to share.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And before you share your reaction, I'd actually like you to hear what I want to say. Now you're respecting yourself. And that's the cue to everybody else to respect what you have to say. And then you do the superpower move by going, okay, so Mike, what did you want to say about that? Or, okay, so mom, what was your opinion about what we should all do for dad's birthday?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And now you're not just respecting what you have to say, but you're also acting with a level of maturity and you're inviting people to say what they need to say. I just absolutely love this. And you can practice this. And the more you practice this, the better you're going to get. But just keep talking, then say their name.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And then when you're done talking, boom, you just ask them what they wanted to say. And that's a way you show your self-respect and you shut down any disrespect. Now let's talk about the second way that people subtly disrespect you. And that's by dismissing your feelings. And this is one of those things that can happen so quickly. You're like, wait, what just happened?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Where they're like, you know, you don't need to be so sensitive. I didn't mean it that way. Like, why do you have to get so worked up? You know, you always get upset. Like people dismissing your feelings or your reaction. And if somebody questions how you feel, it means they don't care how you feel. That's why dismissing your feelings is a form of disrespect.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Because if they're gonna question you and be like, you know, you don't need to get that upset, and they're gonna question your response, then they clearly don't care how you feel. They don't care how their behavior impacts you. And so here are some things that you can do because the truth is your feelings do matter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And while somebody may be doing something and they didn't intend to hurt your feelings, it's not about what they intended. If somebody truly cares about you, they're gonna care about the impact that their behavior had on you. Do you see the difference? And for me, this is an area where I feel like as a parent in particular, I've been kind of like the Bigfoot stepping on people's feelings.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I didn't... I didn't intend to hurt anybody's feelings. I didn't intend to invalidate people's feelings. But in my desire to want somebody to feel better, I'm like, oh, it's not going to be that bad. You're going to be okay. I'm actually dismissing how somebody feels. And so this is an area where I've done a lot of work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And today, you're going to learn these six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you, and more importantly, exactly what to do about it. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. First of all, I am so excited you're here. I am fired up about what we're gonna talk about today. It's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
where I'm trying not to be disrespectful of how people feel or how my behavior might've impacted them or how my desire for somebody to wanna feel better actually dismisses their feelings. Like I'm not giving them the space to feel how they feel. And so again, the reason why this is disrespectful is because if someone questions how you feel, if somebody dismisses how you feel,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
If somebody is trying to like fast forward you through your feelings, it means they don't really care how you feel. And that's so important because you need to care about how you feel. And there's some really important research for why this matters, because I think it's easy to tell yourself you're too sensitive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
It's easy for you to turn this back on yourself and blame yourself for the kind of reactions you have. Like, we're all so scared about getting emotional. I think a large reason why is many of us had a childhood where you were constantly invalidated and your feelings were dismissed. Don't cry. It's not that big of a deal. I never said that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
All that kind of stuff that teaches you it's just not safe for you to have feelings. And so if this is happening to you in your relationship, at work, in your friendships, as an adult, you have to start to care how you feel. Because when people question it or they brush it aside, it's a sign that they don't really care.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And they don't have the capacity to give you the space to feel what you feel, but you got to give yourself the space. It starts with you. And so I love some of the research here because it lifts up this topic in terms of its level of importance.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And this one's so subtle that I just want to call out some of the phrases that are a sign that somebody is dismissing your feelings and they're disrespecting you. So if you've ever had somebody say to you, you're so sensitive or you're overreacting. I mean, this is not a big deal. Why is this such a big deal? Or why does this have to cause such a problem? Why is everything with you an issue?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Or you think this is bad? Like people have bigger problems than this. I don't know why you're upset about this. When somebody says that to you, it means they actually don't care how you feel. You're an inconvenience and your feelings are now a bother to them and they don't want to have to deal with it. And so this is a big deal. And let me tell you why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
There was a study done by Gregory Wachowski at Walden University. This is what's called emotional invalidation. And the research is very clear on this. When your emotions are brushed aside, You're overreacting. This isn't a big deal. It doesn't just sting in the moment. It can have lasting effects. Constantly facing this kind of emotional invalidation, here's what it does.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
It leads to increased stress, anxiety, even depression. And it also chips away at your confidence and your ability to handle life's ups and downs, and it can make challenges feel even more overwhelming. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Because if you've got somebody in your life that's constantly going, why is this such a big deal? Like you're overreacting. Why are you so sensitive about everything?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I never meant it that way. Why do you have to get so upset about everything? When that constantly happens to you, you then start to question whether or not your feelings are valid. So first you have somebody invalidating you because they don't want to deal with your emotions. And now you start to wonder, am I the problem? Am I too sensitive? Maybe I shouldn't say anything.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
So you start to shut down your emotions. And what I want you to do is the exact opposite. I want you to validate your emotions. So the next time that somebody does this to you, you're feeling something, you're upset about something, something's bothering you, you're working through something, and somebody has the disrespectful approach of going, why is this such a big deal?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Why are you so sensitive? You are going to validate your own emotions. I'm gonna give you two sentences that I love. These come from my buddy, Jefferson Fisher. He's a best-selling author. He is an expert at handling difficult people. He's also a trial lawyer. Here's what he recommends you do when somebody dismisses your feelings and disrespects you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You validate your feelings by saying this, I get to decide. I feel how I feel. And the way that I like to say, let me decide how I feel. So the next time somebody says, you're too sensitive, I feel how I feel. Why are you overreacting? Let me decide how I'm going to react to this. Isn't that powerful?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Instead of waiting for somebody else to give your emotions space and validate them, let me validate them for myself. Let me decide how I feel. It's so empowering. And I'm gonna say something as a parent, this is something that I'm working on because I find it very difficult when one of my kids is struggling with something and they're upset about something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And if you're a new listener, I wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. So glad you're here. And because you made the time, to hit play and listen to this particular episode, I know you're the kind of person who values your time. And your time and energy is the single most important resource that you have.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I just wanna do everything in my power to make it go away. And I can see, especially as I've been thinking about this conversation we're going to have today, that there's probably a lot of times where my kids have gotten worked up about something, and now I know, they decide how they feel. They get to feel how they feel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And my job is not to call them sensitive or not to tell them it's going to be okay or not to try to rush them through anything and invalidate where they're at. Let me just give them space to feel how they feel. instead of labeling it, which is a form of disrespect. I can see this is very difficult for you. What can I do to support you? I can see that you're upset by this. How can I help?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I can see that what I said really hurts your feelings. I apologize. I did not mean to hurt your feelings, but I can see how my words impacted you and I am sorry. I'll do better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
What I love about this is that whether you're the one that tends to step on people's feelings because you don't like it when people are emotional and it gets you upset when people are emotional and when people are anxious, you get anxious. Understood. That's a normal thing to feel. And using these tools, we can recognize when we're the ones, oh, you're being too sensitive. I never said that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Stop yourself from saying it. Let them feel how they feel. and let me be more respectful and acknowledge their feelings, give them the space to feel it, and then ask how I can be supportive. That's how you can use this tool to not be disrespectful. And it's also how you can use this tool when it's happening to you to validate your own emotions and say, I get to feel how I feel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I have a lot of big feelings about this topic and I cannot wait to jump into the third subtle way that people are disrespecting you. You're gonna love this. You're gonna be like, oh my God, oh my God, it's so true, Mel. So don't go anywhere. We're gonna take a real short break.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Please share this with people that you care about because we all need to learn how to respect ourselves more and to call this kind of behavior out. And we're gonna do that when we return with the third subtle way that people are disrespecting you. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And today you and I are unpacking six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Now we've already talked about how people talk over you and what to do about it, how they dismiss your feelings. And the third subtle way that people are disrespecting you is by always being late. And this topic, always being late, gives me some big feelings and oh gosh, as we jump into it, because I have been guilty of this for a large part of my life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so I am going to unpack this one, both as somebody who sees it as a form of disrespect and somebody who is working on this so that I'm not disrespecting other people. Because here's the truth. Someone who's never on time doesn't value your time. And see, if they don't value your time, then whose job is it to value your time? It's yours.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I mean, what you pour your energy into, how you spend your time, it determines what your life feels like. And today, you and I are gonna talk about six subtle ways that people are draining your energy, wasting your time. These are six subtle ways that you're being disrespected.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Like you can't expect other people to respect your time if you don't protect your time and you don't value it yourself. And here's the thing that I want you to understand. As somebody who used to chronically be late I never thought about this from the standpoint of how my lateness is a sign that I don't value someone else's time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I was always constantly making myself wrong for being late, that I clearly don't value my own time because I'm not respecting it. And a lot of people who run late are so caught up in their own dysfunction that they don't even think about the impact of that their lateness has on other people. I mean, you've experienced it, right? Somebody breezes in 10, 15 minutes late.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
It's like a kind of windstorm entering the room or pig pen from the Peanuts cartoon with just like a dust storm around them. And then there's always this like three minute explanation about traffic or this or that or the other thing. And now they're disrespecting your time even more because they're taking up more time to explain exactly why they're late.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And when you take a minute and you really think about this, but you have a meeting or you said you would meet a certain place and you're now waiting there and you've shown up on time. You valued your time. You valued the other person's time. And the fact that the person isn't there is disrespectful. And so there's two ways that I wanna unpack this, okay?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Because you may be listening and thinking, oh my gosh, I'm the one that's late. And I'm always texting on my way and you haven't left the house yet, or I'll be there in five minutes and it's actually gonna be 17. So let's talk about it if you're that person, like I used to be that person chronically.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
If you're waking up and going, oh gosh, I've never thought about this as a way where I'm disrespecting other people. I've always just thought about this as me just being a mess and not being punctual and always running late. When you really start to invert this about not wasting other people's time and not being disrespectful, it does change the motivation for why it matters to be on time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Because if you're not going to do it for you, thinking about the fact that you're being disrespectful to other people might just motivate you to change because of what your behavior is communicating to them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And one move that has really helped me a lot, not only thinking about how you're disrespecting other people's time, and it's a disrespectful thing to do to constantly run late and to constantly think that you're more important than everybody else and to constantly think that people are gonna wait for you,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
is instead of rolling in late and being like, sorry, sorry, sorry, and then having some explanation that somehow justifies that you had something more important to do than to be there on time, which is kind of what you're doing, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You're blaming circumstances for why you couldn't be there, which means you're almost more important and so are those circumstances than the people's time who have been waiting for you. One thing that's changed my life has been to learn to say thank you. When you are late and you walk in, the only thing to say to people is thank you for your patience and then sit down and let the meeting go.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And these six things that we're going to talk about, as you hear them and as I unpack them, you're going to realize, wow, these are things that I experience almost every single day. And you may not realize that they are actually forms of disrespect. Or maybe if you realize it's happening and it's kind of annoying or it bothers you, you just don't know how to handle it, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
That's it. No explanation because the explanation is somehow told to absolve you. You're late. That's what happened. thank you for your patience, acknowledges that you were late. And by thanking them, you put the value on the other people. By thanking them, you actually elevate everybody else above you. By thanking them, you are valuing the grace that people just extended to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You're not making an excuse for the fact that you held everybody up. You are acknowledging the power in other people. And it shifts something in you because you're also acknowledging that you were late. And so it will change you when you do that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Now, if you're the one who's constantly being disrespected, then the only thing that there is to do, in my opinion, that makes a difference, because what do we know? You can't change another person. All you can do is take responsibility for what you need to communicate. So as much as it pains me to tell you this, you're going to let them be late. You're gonna let them run late.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You're gonna let them do what they're gonna do because you can't change them. But then you gotta go to the let me part of the let them theory. And you gotta look at what you can control. And what you can control is you can control what you do or don't do in response. You can control what you think about this and what you say about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And I remember a couple years ago, my husband sat me down and basically said, it's completely unacceptable how you chronically run late. because it tells me that you don't respect my time. It tells me that I'm not a priority. And here is my request.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
If you are running late and you can see that your day is stacking up, tell me as soon as you know that you're not gonna be on time, because then I can decide if I wanna continue to go to this thing. Because again, a lot of people that run late have a story about always being late. And it's not until somebody actually has the conversation, which is you're disrespecting me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Do you know how disrespectful it is for you to constantly be 15 minutes late? If you can't show up at the reservation until 7.15, let's not make the reservation for 7 o'clock. Start to act like an adult and respect my time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And if you know that you're telling me a time and you're actually managing being there a half an hour late, then let's be honest about what time you're actually going to be there. And what was interesting about that is that as somebody that was chronically running late, being called out for disrespecting my husband actually motivated me to want to change it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I don't know if it's the headlines or the fact that everybody is so stressed out or the news is so negative, but the impatience of people when they're waiting in lines, the folks that you see like getting frustrated with waiters and folks working in customer service or the nurse trying to take care of a family member, it's like this negativity is vibrating everywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Being called out about this sort of what he called meld time, which is my propensity to think that I can actually take a shower, blow dry my hair, get dressed and be out the door for something we need to go to in about three minutes. Being called out that that is a form of disrespect because I'm gaslighting myself and I'm also now holding him hostage while I'm not planning accordingly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Because there's this real balance when you're being disrespected between how you respond and versus whether or not it's even worth your energy. And you and I are gonna unpack that. In fact, what we're gonna do today is we're gonna tee up each one of these six subtle forms of disrespect. We're gonna do it one by one, and then we're gonna unpack them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
It made me get honest with myself about how much time I actually need. And it's a lot more than I was planning for. And here's one more move. Don't wait. If they miss the ferry, they miss the ferry. Go on without them. If they miss the movie, they miss the movie. Go on without them. If the play starts and they can't get in until intermission, go in without them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Just because they're late doesn't have to make you late. And so this is why it's important that you call this out with the people that are chronically late because nobody that's chronically late actually is even thinking about how they're disrespecting you. They're so caught up in their own inability to do this that they don't have a higher level of motivation to actually fix it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so my request of you is not only do I want you to be on time, I want you to be five minutes early. Because it's a form of respect and I value my time and I value your time. And that's why I'm taking the time to tell you the truth about this. You know what? I value your time enough to tell you that we got three more subtle ways that people are disrespecting you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You're going to love these three. You're going to love the advice. We're going to get into them after a very short break. Take a moment and share this with people that you care about and don't go anywhere because when you hear the fourth way people are disrespecting you, it's going to blow your mind. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And today you and I are talking about six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you and what to do about it. So we've already covered what to do with people who are talking over you at work or at home. We've talked about how you can show respect to yourself when somebody is dismissing your feelings. And we've also talked at length about
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
about what to do when somebody doesn't value your time and they're always running late. Now I wanna jump in to the fourth subtle way that people disrespect you, and it's by giving you the silent treatment. You need to stop punishing people for things you never asked for in the first place.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And yes, when you hear the word silent treatment, you tend to just default to thinking of like the real hardcore versions of the silent treatment, you know, where somebody ghosts you or you have some sort of uncomfortable situation and they just stop talking to you like a child for weeks or months or a year, like just ghost you and don't have the conversation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Or maybe you're dealing with somebody who, when they get mad at you, they just stop talking and you don't even know why. You don't even know why. And the silent treatment, it's so destructive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Like the psychiatrists and psychologists that study it and write about it talk about it as a form of emotional abuse because you are withdrawing your love and punishing somebody with silence because you don't like something that they did. But there's a much more subtle way and destructive form of the silent treatment that is destroying your relationships. It's like a death by a thousand cuts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And I'm gonna explain why these six things drain energy and steal your time. And then we're going to look at the options that you have in any situation, whether you're at work, whether you're at home, wherever it is that these forms of disrespect are showing up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And the more subtle way that people use the silent treatment is by being silent about what you want or need. I mean, how many times have you had someone who's annoyed with you or mad with you and you have no idea why they're mad with you? They just have this weird energy. You know, you left the house earlier. You were going to go play golf or go shopping with your girlfriends.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And then you come back and it's weird. Like you can tell they're pissed. Their body language has changed. They're not looking at you in the eye. They're kind of like doing the dishes or doing the thing in like the huff puff way. Well, the reason why there's weird energy is because they've been silent about what they actually need or want from you. And so you went about your day-to-day life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You went off and played golf. You went and did the errands or met your girlfriends for lunch. And then you come home and they're punishing you because you couldn't read their mind. This is a real thing. This is chronic in relationships, that it's Sunday morning. I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine. She was saying that, recognizing that she's doing this in a relationship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
It was Sunday morning. All she wanted to do was just plop on the couch and cuddle up and watch movies all day with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend's like, hey, do you mind if I go play golf with the guys? And here's the truth. She did mind. She was like in her stomach when he said this. She's like, yeah, I do mind. Like I want to sit on the couch. Did she say anything? No. She's like, okay, okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
How many times have you done that? Somebody says they're gonna go do something. Is it okay? You're like, it's okay. And inside you're silent about the truth. But then when they leave, You sit there and seethe. And then when they come home, you're furious. It should have been nine holes, not 18. They didn't tell me that. They should have known.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
This is not just something that happens in romantic relationships. Danielle Bayer Jackson, she's this friendship expert, bestselling author, said that the research shows that we project what our needs are on the people that we think we're close to because we think our friends and family should know. Well, you should know that I wanted you to be here. You should know that I wanted you to do that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And here's what I'm going to tell you. You have no right to be mad at somebody when you didn't even tell them what you wanted. You have no right to be mad at somebody when you kept your mouth quiet. You have no right to be mad at somebody when you stayed silent. People are not mind readers. If you didn't say it, they don't know it. And this is so important because you're doing this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
After our conversation today, you're not only going to be able to see it coming, you're going to know exactly what to do or what not to do when it happens. And one other thing I wanted to say before we jump in is that if somebody in your life shared this episode with you and that's why you hit play and you're listening to it, that's amazing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You're doing this at work by not speaking up about the assignments that you want. You're doing this at work about not asking for what you need. You're doing this with your family. Well, they should just know that I wanted to host Thanksgiving. Well, they should just know that I don't like that. They should just know that I want flowers. And then you punish people because they don't know.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
This is so disrespectful. It is toxic. It's abusive to people. I'm dead serious about this. I wrote about this in the Let Them Theory book. I want to read to you from page 115. The silent treatment is what an immature adult does. when they don't know how to process their emotions or ask for what they need in a healthy and respectful manner. So instead, they stop talking.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
They pretend nothing's wrong, and often they ignore you. And if you've ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from a friend, a family member, a coworker, it's painful. And you immediately, your immediate instinct is to try to figure out, okay, what did you do wrong? Have you ever walked into your parents' house And one of your parents is in a horrible mood.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You have no idea what's wrong, but you know something's wrong. And now all of a sudden you're walking on eggshells and you're trying to delicately figure it out because you don't want to step on an emotional landmine. And then you come to find out that somebody's feelings were hurt because you stayed out longer than they thought that you were going to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And they had expectations that you were going to go do something this afternoon, but they never told you. And somehow their silence is your fault. I'm sorry. Their silence is disrespect. That's what it is. It's immaturity. Let me keep reading from page 115. And that's exactly what the person giving you the silent treatment wants. They want your attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Just like a child pouting off in the corner wants the parent to come over and sue them, an adult that gives you the silent treatment wants you to ask, are you okay? Can I do something? What did I do wrong? I'll tell you what you did wrong. You went playing golf and I didn't tell you that I didn't want you to go play golf. So now I'm going to punish you even though I was silent.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
This is how we adults operate with each other. Don't you think that's kind of disrespectful? Isn't it disrespectful if you're doing something wrong at work and nobody tells you? They're silent about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And then they're like mad at you because you're not doing something that they never told you that you needed to do or you're not changing the way that you're doing it and you were doing it wrong and you didn't know. Why is that your problem? Like this is crazy town. And so here's the thing that I want you to understand. You get to choose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
because they listened to it, they loved it, and they shared it with you because they care about you. And knowing that you have people that care about you in your life, that's a really cool thing. And you happen to have somebody who also wants you to be treated with more respect, and you deserve that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
When somebody does this to you, this is a sign that somebody has a lot of work to do. They either don't know how to ask for what they need. This is not your fault. Or they don't know how to handle like emotions. And so they stay silent instead of asking for something or talking about something because they're worried about how you're going to respond.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And this is where the let them theory really helps you. Because if they don't respect you enough to ask for what they need, then don't let them disrespect you with the silent treatment. That's not your fault. And you got to wake up and see it for what it is. And so here's how you can choose to respond to this. Let them go silent. Let them erupt. Let them play the victim. Let them sulk.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Let them make it all about them. And then focus on the response, the let me part. Let me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let me remind myself that managing another person's emotions, not my job.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Let me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table, conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening. Instead of expecting other people to change, demand the change of yourself. If somebody's so disrespectful that they will stay silent on what they need from you and then punish you for not being a mind reader, you gotta wake up and realize
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
what you're dealing with here, and hold yourself to a higher standard. Respect yourself enough to not stay silent when this happens. The more time you pour into a relationship with somebody who acts like an eight-year-old, the more you're going to feel like a parent to a child.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You got to recognize that you're dealing with somebody who has a lot of internal work to do, and you're either going to have to draw healthier boundaries and ignore them and let them do this crap, Or draw healthier boundaries around the amount of time and energy you're willing to give to them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
In fact, saying let them and let me, these are tools that you can use to draw boundaries between yourself and other people and to recognize when you're starting to get emotionally triggered And then to say, let me, let me say what I need to say. I don't want you to go play golf today. I'd love to sit on the couch. Could you do that? And now you can have a conversation instead of saying silent.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And that's what respect looks like. Or I really love it if you would buy me flowers. Because when you buy me flowers, it makes me feel like you're thinking of me. Because I know when you're at the grocery store, you're like, oh, she said buy flowers. And so you buy the tulips. And then I realize that, well, you're not here. You're thinking of me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And having me in mind is a way that really makes me know that you love me. And that's a simple thing that you could do. See, now you're treating somebody with respect. Isn't it respectful to tell somebody what you need? Isn't it respectful to tell people how they can support you? Of course it is. And if somebody's not giving you that respect, you got to speak up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Now, one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this is because I feel like with the level of stress that people experience in life today and the headlines and the pressure everybody feels, that there is this massive kind of uptick in disrespectful or immature or just downright rude behavior. And you may be seeing it too, that people are just super impatient.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You got to tell them what you need. And what you need is for them to develop the skills of communicating clearly, expressing what they need from you, asking for the support, and managing their emotions like a mature adult. And that brings me to the fifth subtle way that people disrespect you. And that's just kind of general condescending behavior.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And general rule of thumb here, never look up to someone who talks down to you. And it can sometimes be a little, I don't know, subtle, like is a good word for it. Sometimes when somebody's condescending and they're talking down to you, you're like, wait a minute, did they just talk down to me? Here's some examples is when somebody says, actually, you did a good job on that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Or actually, that really works. Or actually, that's a good idea. That actually, when somebody says it, it's put right in there. Actually, that is a good idea. It happens so fast. You're kind of like, wait a minute. And then you go, wait a minute. If they're saying, actually, that is a good idea. They're also kind of saying, normally you don't have a good idea.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Or when people say things like, well, I guess that's one way you could do it. They're questioning how you do it. Are you going to wear that? They're questioning what you're wearing. Even things like you can't take a joke. Other examples, you always do this. You never do that. Just relax. This is one of those things when it happens once, you just let it slide.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
But it can become a real problem if you're around somebody who's just constantly chipping away at your confidence or who's just really kind of patronizing. And you can't quite put your finger on it until you put your finger right on it. You're like, oh, wait a minute. This person actually thinks they're better than me. This is a person who's talking down to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And when you realize that that's what's going on, I want you to recognize that this is a massive form of disrespect that is subtly chipping away at you. And what I want you to do is recognize that you do have choices here. I think the best thing to do in this situation is just call it out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And the reason why you call it out is because if somebody does believe that they're better than you and they talk down to you, and they chip away at you, they're stepping on your head as a way to feel better about themselves, this is an ingrained part of their personality.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And one of the reasons why people do this and they bully each other and they're condescending is because they get away with it. And so first step is actually calling it out for yourself. Oh, wait a minute. This person's actually really condescending. And you know that you never look up to someone who talks down to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so what you're going to do once you recognize it is you want distance from this person. So when they say that thing, well, I guess that's one way to do it. You're going to pause. You can silently say to yourself, let them. Because what you're doing when you say let them is you're not letting them be condescending. You're letting them reveal who they actually are and how they feel about you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You're seeing it coming. And then you're going to slowly say, are you trying to be condescending? And just let that hang. Because I'm going to tell you something. Nobody has called them out on this. When you quietly say, are you trying to be condescending? They're going to be so startled. They're going to be like, well, I didn't mean it like that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
They're kind of rude to each other. In fact, something happened to me the other day, and I'm sure you're going to be able to relate to this story, where I experienced extremely disrespectful behavior. And when someone is really disrespectful, I'm talking rude or just kind of immature or they sound off, It's obvious, right? And we all kind of are like, ugh, noted.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And they're going to backtrack and try to explain themselves. And now guess who's up and guess who's down. You just took control of the response. You just called out exactly what it is. And you also are not interested in their explanation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Another thing that you can do, and this is a trick from our friend Jefferson Fisher, trial lawyer, bestselling author, he's fantastic with his advice about these difficult situations, is when somebody's condescending, you pause and then you can say, can you repeat that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Because when you force somebody to repeat a statement where they have this real subtle disrespect into it, they don't want to repeat it because they know you're calling them out and they know what they just did. So again, never look up to someone who talks down to you. And you're going to take a pause. You're going to see it for what it is. It's disrespect. And then you're going to call it out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Did you mean to be condescending? Did you mean to disrespect me? Could you repeat that? And trust me, they're not going to repeat it. And that brings me to the sixth subtle form of disrespect, and that is a backhanded compliment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And this one's sort of related to the condescending comments, but it comes in the form of something that should be making you feel good, but here's how you know when it's backhanded. A true compliment makes you feel good. Anything that makes you feel bad is disrespect. That's how you know. See, a true compliment would lift you up, Something that's backhanded drags you down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Let me give you some examples of that. I wouldn't have expected that you're into yoga. You're a runner? Really? You know, you're really well-spoken. What? For what? What? I wasn't expecting that to look so good on you. Boy, you look so tired. You know, I don't understand how somebody so amazing like you is still single. Like when somebody says it, There's this weird thing that hangs in the air.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
So what do you do? Well, you do the same thing that you can do when somebody is condescending. You can have them repeat it. Could you repeat that? Are you trying to make me feel bad? You can let it sit in silence for a few seconds. I'm really well-spoken compared to what? You can say, what did you actually mean? Didn't you start to feel uncomfortable in that silence?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And you're just listening to me explain the expert advice. When you pause and you ask them to repeat it, or you ask them, what did you actually mean? Or are you trying to make me feel bad? Holy smokes. Is it wild what happens? The reason why it's called a backhanded compliment is because even though it's like kind of packaged as something that's meant to be positive,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
There's actually a dig in there because the reason why people do this is it's an attempt to boost their status at your expense. There's very interesting research that's been done at Harvard Business School. Three professors dug into this. They have a study called Backhanded Compliments, How Negative Compliments Undermine Flattery.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And people use these backhanded compliments to boost their own status while still trying to be likable. I mean, just think about the saying, you know, you're pretty smart for someone who didn't go to college. Like what the heck is that? You're pretty smart for someone who didn't go to college? Well, what the study found is that this tactic, it doesn't work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
In fact, something like that happened to me the other day. And when I tell you the story, I'm sure you're going to go, oh, I've had something like that happen recently. So I was on a plane and I was sitting in my seat and my seatmate kind of came in and she sat down and she had a small dog with her.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Instead of making you look good, it actually makes others see you as insincere and calculating, like we're on to you. But I think when it happens to you, you're not quite sure what to do about it. And what I always think about is this, what is the intention of behind what somebody's saying versus the impact, right? Because I can let a lot of things slide in life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I always try to assume good intent, but here's what I want you to understand. And this is where the disrespect comes in. If they truly wanted to compliment you, there's no room for a dig. Compliments are meant to shine a light on you, to lift you up, to make you feel good. So if there's anything that rubs you wrong or makes you feel bad, you know there's a subtle form of disrespect in there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so focus on the impact it has on you. This is something where you need to give yourself permission to really own how something impacts you. Because if you feel disrespected, if you feel confused, if you feel bothered by what somebody just said, that's not a compliment. That is somebody saying something as a way to lift themselves up at your expense.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so what you can do about that is use any of the tools we've already discussed. pause because the silence is a form of power and it also gives you a beat. And then you can say a number of things. What did you actually mean by that? Could you repeat that? Are you trying to make me feel bad? Is that a backhanded compliment? When you call it out, you show yourself respect.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And that's why it's important to recognize that a backhanded compliment isn't a compliment at all. It's a form of disrespect. And over and over and over again, as we've unpacked each of these six subtle forms of disrespect, whether it's somebody talking over you, dismissing your feelings, always being late, the silent treatment, condescending behavior, backhanded compliments,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
The real power move is recognizing that these are forms of disrespect. Simply being able to go, oh, wait, that's disrespectful. That's the first step in respecting yourself. Being able to recognize that what other people are doing, that's not in your control. How you respond to it is where your power is. So as you think about these six subtle forms of disrespect,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I want you to remember that there's also the opportunity for you to respect yourself. Everything that we've talked about is you recognizing when you're being disrespected and realizing that your response is a form of respect to yourself. So the first form of subtle disrespect is when someone's talking over you. When someone's talking over you, they don't care about what you have to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And she had the dog in a, you know, like one of those traveling cases that people take their dogs on. And she was trying to put the case underneath the seat and it wasn't fitting. And I don't travel with a dog, so I don't know the deal with dog carrier cases. But, you know, the thing had mesh on the side and it seemed kind of squishy. And the dog was really, really, really cute and really tiny.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
That's why it's disrespectful. You take the power back by respecting yourself and respecting what you have to say, which is why you're gonna keep talking slowly. And then you're gonna use the person's name to cue them to stop talking and to tell them that you're interested in hearing what they have to say, but first you want them to hear what you have to say before they start responding.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And then you're gonna do the ultimate respectful power move. And once you're done talking, because you care about what you have to say, all righty, Mike, Was there something you wanted to say in response to what I just shared? Boom. Now you've got the respect of yourself and everyone around you. Second subtle form of disrespect is when somebody is dismissing your feelings.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
When somebody dismisses your feelings or is trying to rush you through your feelings, they don't care about how you feel or they don't have the capacity to give you the room to feel what you have to feel. That's why they're dismissing your feelings. So you gotta respect yourself enough to recognize that and validate your feelings. I feel how I feel. I get to choose how I feel about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Let me decide how long I'm gonna be upset. Let me decide what I get emotional about. Let me decide how I wanna feel about this. When you decide how you feel, when you respect your feelings, now we've taken care of the disrespect. Three, always running late.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
This is a form of disrespect because there's a big difference between the skill of time management and whether or not you value your time and other people's time. And so to change this, you have to respect yourself enough to value your time. That may mean that you got to learn the skill of time management. That was the case for me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Or it might mean that you've got to start to speak up about how disrespectful someone's lack of time management is to your time. Because when you do that, it's a sign that you value your time and you're actually protecting it by saying something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And that brings me to the fourth subtle form of disrespect, which is when people use the silent treatment and they go silent on what they need and they go silent on giving you feedback about how you can improve and how you can show up differently. And then they freaking punish you for it. And here's the deal. You got to respect yourself enough to speak up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You're not allowed to punish people for things you never asked for in the first place.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And if somebody is constantly punishing you with their mood or going silent and not expressing their needs, you got to wake up and respect yourself enough to recognize that you're dealing with a very immature adult who has a lot of work to do and go into that relationship with eyes wide open because you're not the parent to that person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
but you will feel like it if you don't start speaking up about what's working and what's not working and what you need, which is for them to learn the skill of being a mature adult and asking in a respectful way for the things that they need from you. The fifth subtle form of disrespect is when somebody's behavior is condescending, right? They kind of just chip away at you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so she's trying to put it under the seat. And the stewards that are working on the plane, they came by and, you know, they were saying, you know, that that seems a little big. I think that's going to be too big to put under the seat. And the woman starts to get very flustered and she's kind of shaking her shoulders and now it's going to fit, it's going to fit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
That's actually a good idea. You know, not bad for somebody who didn't go to college. And you're like, wait a minute, what was that? And don't ever look up to somebody who talks down to you. And if somebody's talking down to you, you've got to lift yourself up and start calling this stuff out. Or you got to remove the access that this person has from you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Spend less time, less energy with them because that's a way for you to respect yourself enough to not expose yourself to this kind of behavior. And finally, backhanded compliments are not a compliment at all. Compliments are supposed to make you feel good. So if somebody says something that confuses you or hurts your feelings or kind of makes you feel bad, that was no compliment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
That was disrespect. And the way that you respect yourself, first of all, silence. Second, see it for what it is. Third, call that stuff out. Are you trying to be condescending? Was that a backhanded compliment? What do you actually mean by that? You call it out and it's a sign that you respect yourself enough? to not tolerate this kind of disrespect from someone else.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so I want to read one more thing to you to remind you. Instead of expecting other people to change, demand the change of yourself. That right there is where your power is. Demand the change of yourself. First, you have to spot the disrespectful behavior. Then you focus on your response because your response to this is how you learn to respect yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And I'm going to be the first to say, I respect you so much for the fact that you took the time to listen to this because it shows that you're investing your time and energy in listening or watching something that can really help you improve yourself and improve your life. And I think that's so cool. And it's one of the reasons why I never forget to tell you that I love you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
The reason why I love you is because I admire the fact that you are using your time and energy for good. You are using your time and energy to listen to something that will help you amp up the level of respect that you have for yourself. You're using your time and energy to learn more about how you can draw better boundaries and spot behavior that's disrespectful. I admire that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And I had you in mind as I was having this conversation and thinking about how you could use these tools to improve your life. And so that's why I say I love you. Because I love you for the fact that you took the time to actually be here, to share this with people that you care about, and to use these tools in your life. Mad respect for you. You, my friend, have the ability to create a better life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And the person working on the plane said, well, let me see if I can help you. And they kind of bend down and the one's like, I got it. And you can tell that her tone is now getting agitated. Now, keep in mind, the person's trying to help. The plane is getting ready to close the doors. She's kind of ruffling around in her seat.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days. I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. The moment you hit play, I'll be there to welcome you in. I'll see you there. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. You ready? All right, great. Okay, you know, of course, here comes a frog in the throat right when we're about to start. Okay. So hold on. Let me just see. All right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Okay. Gotcha. Gotcha. Is the pace okay? And as I'm telling you this story, we're going to have a throat clearing thing. Jesse, sorry. Lots of edits today. How are we doing guys? Okay. Okay. Thank you, my dear. I think it's right about there. Great. Thanks, honey. All right. And then I'll start with, before we get into this episode. Okay, great. Okay, great. Thank you. Oh, and one more thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And the person says, well, if we just turn it on its side, I bet you could slide it in a little bit more because you can't have it sticking out right there in front of you. And the woman's like huffing and puffing. And so the steward's like, well, here, let me help you. And the woman's like, no, no, I got it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And kind of pushes the carrier in and the little dog kind of bends down a little bit and it fits. And that was that. And as the steward stands up, he says to her, Well, how about if I take your coat? Because she had this huge coat, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
So as the steward stands up, because they've helped get the dog carrier underneath the seat, and the woman's got this huge coat on her lap, and the person says, hey, would it help if I hang up your coat? And the woman turns to him and says, absolutely not. It was so hostile. And this was aimed at a human being who was trying to help her.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And I want you to know you're not crazy. The disrespect that you're starting to feel, the immaturity that you're encountering, it is higher than it's been in the past couple months. It does seem like gossip is ticking up. People are talking over you at work and at the dinner table. And the reason is simple. People are less patient. They're stressed out. They're angrier. They're overwhelmed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And I don't know about you, but when I experience a person like that, I am so interested in protecting my peace that unless they're hurting somebody or discriminating against them or just really creating a ruckus, I'm like, okay, let's put up a force field. I'm going to protect my energy from this person because I'm now seeing data. This person is very emotionally immature.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
She's very disrespectful. She gets overwhelmed by her emotions. She definitely feels entitled and above any of the rules here. And when she gets overwhelmed, she lashes out at other people. And I'm going to stop the story right there because, you know, who knows what was going on in her world? Who knows if she's got a lot going on?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I tend to just assume good intent, but I don't think because you're stressed out that That gives you the right to be disrespectful to other people, particularly other people who are just trying to do their jobs and just trying to help you. But I kind of take that as data. very disrespectful, overwhelmed by emotions, I'm gonna stay clear and I'm gonna protect my energy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Because that's one of the first things that you and I are gonna talk about, is that when you're dealing with disrespect, you get to decide if this is worth your energy or not. You get to decide if you're gonna be the world's manners police, or you're gonna be the person that enforces the rules. You get to decide whether or not you call people out. And so in this situation, I'm strapped to my seat.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I have to sit next to this person for two hours. And so I make a decision. Well, I'm just going to let her be disrespectful. I'm going to let me choose not to say anything to her. And then I'm also gonna let me over-index and be super kind to the steward that's working on this plane, right? Because I feel bad for this person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I mean, they're just doing their job and they've got this entitled jerk sitting there on the plane acting as if their problems are somehow everybody else's fault. And as I tell you this story,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You can probably recall an incident recently where somebody was just going crazy at a customer service rep, or maybe somebody was rude to a waiter, or maybe your family gets really agitated when the news is on and they start yelling at the TV or talking to each other and this really tone of voice. And you kind of feel it in your skin, can't you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
When somebody gets that sort of just really disrespectful and emotionally immature energy around them. And I'm a really, Generally nice person, but this is the kind of thing I can't tolerate. I can't tolerate it when people are rude and mean to other people because we're all just trying our best.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You know, in fact, as we were talking about this, I have a friend who works on the team who was saying, I totally get it. And her dad is in a nursing home. Her dad just had a stroke, needs around the clock care, and he is very demanding.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And if you have somebody in your life, whether it's a grandparent or a parent who's getting older and they're starting to do that sun setting thing and they are throwing the temper tantrums and they get really like nasty and kind of angry with people around them, it's like embarrassing because you've got a grown ass adult throwing temper tantrums and saying things that are disrespectful.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And if you're the family member, it's like you're standing by and you're like, oh my God, I cannot believe this person is acting like this. And the tendency in these situations, especially when it's family, right, is to just be like, oh, I'm really, really sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And what I loved about my friend's approach is she just pulled the nurse aside and was like, he's a tough old bastard. I guess you and I are in this together. I really appreciate you taking care of him and being calm. It means a lot. And so I'm telling you these two stories because I'm sure you've experienced this kind of dynamic, right? Where nobody is gonna debate you. Is that disrespectful?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And stress seems to be the baseline now for all communication. Do you know what that means? It means that people's fight or flight responses are revved up. And that's why it seems like everybody's on edge. And I'm not trying to blame stress or excuse away bad behavior. In fact, I wanna do the opposite today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Is it not disrespectful? Are they out of line? Are they not out of line? We all agree, the behavior's out of line. And maybe you're experiencing this kind of thing at work. You got a boss that's a yeller and it's constantly barfing their stress out on everyone else. Not cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You got a family member that is so volatile with their emotions and then is passive aggressive or has a silent treatment or their mood sends the entire family dynamic into a tailspin. We all know it's disrespectful. We all know that they're acting immature. And I also want to validate something. There is a massive uptick in this kind of disrespectful behavior.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Like if you're really noticing that people seem on edge, I wanna tell you, you're right. And one of the reasons why people seem on edge right now and why they're being more disrespectful and they're not being as polite and they're impatient and they're snapping is because people are operating at levels of chronic stress, which means they're in a constant state of fight or flight.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Now I'm not saying that to justify any kind of disrespect. I'm saying it because if you're feeling like, my God, like everybody's on edge and everybody's like super emotional and people are giving people the silent treatment and what is up with this? You're not the only one that's feeling this. And so in these big moments, One of the things I want to remind you is your peace is worth protecting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And I have found more and more and more that when I find somebody out in public or I find a family member who is acting with overt disrespect, I'm just like, let them. And here's one thing I want to clear up. When you say let them, you're not just letting somebody be disrespectful. That's not what this is. They're already disrespectful. They've already yelled. They're already in their mood.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
When you say let them, you're not allowing anything. You're calling it out. You're calling it out to yourself and you're drawing a boundary and you're saying, let them be disrespectful. Let them be immature. Let them use that tone of voice. Because I recognize that this is not worth my energy and I'm not going to try to control it. Let me remind myself that I'm not the parent to another adult.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
Let me remind myself I can leave this store. I can leave this dining room table. I can leave this conversation. Let me remind myself that I don't have to be the parent to this woman sitting next to me on the airplane. I can just sit quietly here and be kind and project positive energy. And that's how I protect myself. I'm not allowing anything. I'm actually protecting myself from it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And so don't mistake saying let them with you allowing something to happen. Let them is recognizing who a person is and spotting emotional immaturity for what it is, something that other people engage in, but it is not your responsibility to change in someone else. You can choose to, but I'm finding over and over and over again, These days, I'm choosing not to because I want to stay in my peace.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
But that brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about today. Because in these big moments where somebody explodes or they're just like downright rude, it's really obvious. But there are six very subtle ways that people disrespect you right now. And these are things that sort of slide under the radar.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
I wanna validate what you're feeling and I wanna empower you by highlighting six subtle ways that you're being disrespected at work, at home, in your relationship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
They're the kinds of things that don't feel good, but you're not quite sure how to respond or if it's worth a response. And I'm gonna tell you something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
You and I are going to unpack these six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you because I want you to understand that seeing it and choosing what you do in response to it is how you start to respect yourself and how you start to respect your time and your energy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
And what we're going to do is I'm going to tee these up one by one and then you and I are going to unpack them and we're going to talk about the tools that you need. And those tools, they range from specific things that you can say to just recognizing what's happening and choosing to protect your peace. So let's take them one by one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
The first subtle form of disrespect is when someone is talking over you. Because the fact is, if someone talks over you, they have no interest in listening to what you have to say. I'm going to say that again. If someone talks over you, they have no interest in listening to what you have to say. That's disrespectful. It means they don't care about what you have to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It
They care more about what they have to say, which is why they're talking over you. And so when this happens, and it happens a lot at work, in fact, women experience this more than men. This can be a chronic problem at work. It can be a chronic problem in your family. It can be a problem in your friend group. And I want you to recognize it for what it is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So the other day I was on FaceTime with our two daughters, and they're 25 and 24 years old, and one of them was saying, I've just been really stuck in this mental rut lately. It's like no matter what she does, it's just never enough. She'll see somebody else doing something and then all of a sudden she's beating herself up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
That dog will literally run over a child in order to get the ball, get the ball, get the ball because it's hardwired to focus on that and then it brings it back. Your brain does the same thing. Your brain is just sitting around like a bored labrador waiting for you to pick up a ball and put it in motion, waiting for you to throw something out into the future and say, go get it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Your brain loves projects. You know this. It wants something to gnaw on. It is bored. Like, have you ever noticed too, like if you got a dog that needs a job, if it doesn't have a job, what does it do? It chews your slippers. It starts gnawing on the corners of your cabinets. Next thing you know, it's naughty and it's peeing in the corner. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because it's got all this mental energy and this desire to have a project and to chase down a ball, and you're not feeding that desire. Your brain's the same way. It needs a job. And that brings me to skill number one. One of the best things that you can do is understand that giving yourself a project or a goal or some sort of ball that you can put in play in your life is
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It is one of the best ways to direct your brain at something other than you. It's one of the best ways to start to leverage the natural capacity that your mind has to solve problems and to actually chase something down. And this isn't just my suggestion. This comes from not only research that I'm going to walk you through, but it comes from something that
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
world-renowned PhD, New York Times bestselling author, Martha Beck has been talking about. And you may have seen her talking about this. It's the basis of her new book. And there's so much research that I'm also going to share with you after you hear this clip. But you're going to hear Martha Beck talking about the fact that, you know, when you're in an anxious state or you're ruminating,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
We now know in the way that you and I are talking about this, the supercomputer is now aimed at you. You're up in your head. Instead of like being focused on the world and solving problems, you're now tearing yourself down. You've made yourself a problem, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
The other way you can think about this is that Labrador Retriever is chewing on the slipper and being self-destructive because it's got nothing to do. Well, she had this thesis in this book. Well, if you're in that state, Being anxious and negative, it shuts down your ability to problem solve. We know this based on the research. We also know it based on common sense.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Five simple things that create a more positive way of looking at yourself. And by the way, these are also the exact same five things that will train your brain to help you get what you want in life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It shuts down your ability to be creative. Well, she thought, well, wait a minute. does creativity and problem solving actually shut down anxiety and rumination and being negative? Turns out it does. And so here's Martha Beck sharing this idea on the Today Show.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And the idea is so exciting and it's also so simple and obvious to understand that you're going to hear Martha talking first and then you're going to hear the Today Show anchors jump in because they totally get it. And then what we're going to do after you listen to this is you and I are going to unpack what she said so that you can apply this first skill. Take a listen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
If you like to draw or paint or do whatever. Just stop and consider what she's saying. It's true, isn't it? that when you're idle, your thoughts turn negative. When you've got nothing that you're focused on, the supercomputer focuses on you. And because it's a problem-solving machine, it typically is looking for problems, and then it turns you into one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so I love what Martha Beck is saying, because she's basically saying, anytime you're worried, anytime you're negative, it's a sign that your mind is now turning you into a problem. And we can change this by picking up a ball and in her language, by doing something creative with your hands. She talked about how, like, just start planning the meal for tonight.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So whether you're excited to learn this because you're just so sick and tired of beating yourself up and dragging yourself down, or you want to help someone that you care about, like I want to help my daughters, or maybe you've got big goals and you're like, Mel, tell me how to get my mind to work for me so that I can get what I want.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Open up a cookbook and start flipping through it. And now what you're doing, you've thrown a ball. Your mind is now focused on solving the problem. The problem is no longer you. The problem is what are we going to create for dinner? It's a simple idea that has so much research in it. In fact, I want you to hear this research because it's not just about creativity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It's about the power of having a project that you can aim your mind at. This is this revelation that I had about my daughter that, oh my God, like she's got so much horsepower upstairs. And so do you, that if you're not aiming it at something, it's going to come back at you. And I want to share some of this research with you because it's actually very exciting about simply having a project.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And it could be a project like, I've got a project this weekend that I know that I'm going to get lost in. And that is now that my husband and I are empty nesters, it's time for me to go through the closets in the bedroom upstairs and donate what is just being used as long-term storage by our adult children, right? And just kind of reclaim the space. That's a project.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
That will keep my mind occupied, which will keep me from turning it against myself and ruminating. And the research bears this out. Check this out. Simply having a project, according to research done at the University of Exeter, turns down negative self-talk.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
What's so interesting about this is that they found in this research study that when you have a project and you start chipping away at it, I walk upstairs, I open up the closet, I start sorting through what's in there. that the small steps literally rewire your brain away from rumination. It makes so much sense when you realize, well, that's because I am focusing my brain on something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm putting a ball in play instead of having it aim it at me. And when you don't have a project, you feel like you're not making progress towards anything, which means you have more negative emotions. So it works in the positive and the negative. And I think you can kind of see that. When you're not really working on anything, you got an idle mind. And that's not gonna come to a lot of good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Here's another research study from the University of Michigan and the University of Oxford. This one was published in a journal called Neuron. Having a project also boosts happiness because having something to focus on actually increases dopamine, which we know is kind of this neurochemical that gets released in your mind that is all about drive, and it helps you focus.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Well, I'm gonna, because that's exactly what we're talking about today. Five simple things that will redirect all your mental energy toward happiness, success, and self-transformation. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I love what we're gonna talk about today. I am so excited that you're here. It's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And your brain is going to release dopamine not when you clean out the closet, not when you finish writing the song, not when you finish paying your bills, not when dinner is finished cooking, but rather as you're working toward it. How cool is that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And it kind of makes sense because if you take as fact that your brain's a supercomputer that wants to solve problems, that wants to engage in something, that wants to build and design and create and have a project to focus on, When you provide that to the supercomputer between your ears, your supercomputer is a little happier because it's able to chase a ball.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It's able to do what it's designed to do. Here's another study from Pennsylvania University that having a project to focus your brainpower on strengthens your overall mental health. Goals give you direction and purpose. Goals help you navigate challenges because it actually gives your mind something to focus on, which helps you build resilience against stress and emotional struggles.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And you know what's interesting about that? Is that I know based on what I'm seeing in the inbox as your fellow listeners are writing in from around the world, that you're experiencing just unprecedented levels of stress.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And we know that based on the medical experts that we talk to on this show all the time, that the levels of chronic stress that people are experiencing are at unprecedented levels. And it would have never occurred to me
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
that one of the ways for you to not allow the stress to put you in an even more negative state would be to have a project, something like a painting to do or a closet to clean out or like some sort of something that you're working on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because that means that even in a stressed out state, you have something that you can aim your brain at so that your tired, stressed out brain doesn't start turning you into an even bigger problem. I just love this research.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So number one, what you're learning is that in order to take control of your mind, in order to let go of negative thoughts, in order to redirect your energy toward happiness, success, and self-transformation, skill number one is put a ball in play. Find a project. And if you can make it creative, if you can use your hands, even better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because when you focus that supercomputer in your brain on something outside of you, it is happy and it's excited and it's now engaged and that's gonna leave you with space that is going to feel better for you. So that's skill number one. I got four more that I want to cover with you. I don't want you to go anywhere. What I want you to do is I want you to share this with someone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
We're going to take a quick pause so I can hear a word from our amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins Podcast. But don't you dare go anywhere because I'm just getting started. That's just skill number one. We got four more to cover and each one gets better and better and better. And I can't wait for you to hear them. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And today I am teaching you five simple things that I do that have helped me take control of my mind. It has helped me let go of negative thoughts and redirect all my mental energy into using my brain for good. Having the kind of mindset or the thinking patterns that make me feel happier, that make me more successful, and that have really transformed my life. And today I'm teaching them to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And we've already talked about the fact that your brain is this extraordinary supercomputer that is designed to build and focus on projects and create. And if you don't aim it at something and you don't intentionally train it, in terms of how you want it to work for you, that supercomputer will aim itself back at you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And we've talked already about the first skill or habit that you can use in order to have your brain work for you and to take control of it. And that is to always give it a project. And giving it a project is a lot like throwing a ball for a Labrador retriever. Once that ball is in motion, man, that dog is running. Your brain's the same way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Once you let your brain know that there's a project that you want to work on, your brain is now engaged in something other than bashing you. So that's skill number one. Skill number two is something that you may have heard me talk about before. This is a habit of mine. I use it every single day in my life. I am not kidding.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It is a habit that has helped me wire my brain for success because it is a way that I train my mind to see what I want to see. And seeing what you want to see in the world, it's not some woo-woo, stupid nonsense. This is hard science. I actually wrote about this in my New York Times bestselling book, The High Five Habit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so you may have heard about this before, but even so, it's a fabulous reminder. So what is skill number two? Skill number two, my daily habit is look for hearts. I know what you're thinking. What does that mean, Mel? Look for hearts is a very simple game that you're going to play that helps you train your brain. And it's very simple. Today,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
As you're going about your life, I want you to look for a naturally occurring heart shape somewhere around you. That's it. You are going to tell your brain, as stupid as it sounds, brain, today, somewhere in the world, I want you to show me a shape of a heart. It could be a leaf on a tree. It could be a stain on a sidewalk. It could be the shape of the foam on your coffee today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And if you're a new listener, I just wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so glad that you're here, and I also wanna point out something. If you're listening to this particular episode because someone shared this with you, That's really cool. It means you have people in your life that care about you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It might be a spot on a dog at the dog park. In fact, you can do it right now as long as you're not driving a car. I want you to just look around the environment that you're in. I mean, I'm so trained to do this now that I see them everywhere. And I want you to just kind of scan the environment and see if somewhere around you, I've already spotted two where I am right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm going to describe them in just a second. See if you can see a heart shape. Is there a shadow on the wall? Is there some discoloration in the brick?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Like right now, as I'm looking straight around the room that I am in above the garage here in Southern Vermont, I can see that on the whiteboard over on the other side of the room, we have a series of magnets and they're all clustered at the bottom of the whiteboard. And a bunch of the magnets are together and they're actually in the shape of a heart.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm looking down on the carpet and I see that there's a stain on the carpet, a little like, I don't know what, maybe it's cat hair. I can't quite tell what that is. But it's also in the shape of a heart. Every time I go on a walk in the woods, I see rocks, I see tree stumps, I see them everywhere. So you're probably thinking, why on earth... Is this important? Well, let me explain the science.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
In order to explain the science, I want to teach you about a part of your brain, the supercomputer between your ears, that has a specific name. And that part of your brain is called the reticular activating system. Okay, reticular activating system. I like to call it the RAS for short, because reticular activating system is a mouthful, and you don't need to know that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You just need to know that there is this filter in your brain. I think about it almost like there's a hairnet that's over my brain. It's like the bouncer for your brain. And what is this reticular activating system doing? Well, it is deciding all day long what information gets into your conscious mind and what information is being filtered out of your conscious mind. That is what it is doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And there's a reason why you need this filter. So we had an amazing neuroscientist and neurosurgeon from Stanford that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast by the name of Dr. Jim Doty. So he is not only somebody who is a neuroscientist, he is a neurosurgeon, meaning he actually operates on people's brain. And he is a world-renowned expert in the neuroscience of manifestation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And he told me when I was talking to him about the science, check this out. Do you know that there are six to 10 million bits of information coming at your mind, body, and spirit every single second? Six to 10 million. Your brain can't handle that. Neither can your body. Dr. Doty says that your conscious brain can only handle between 50 and 100 bits.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And 99% of that that it can handle is all stuff that's about how your body operates. So we're talking teeny amounts of information is actually getting to your conscious brain. What's super interesting about this is that means that a massive amount, a bazillion amounts of bits of information are bombarding you. You're just not aware of it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I just want to take a moment and point that out. And I know that so many of you are going to be sharing this episode with people that you care about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And the reason why you're not aware of it is because of this hairnet on your brain, the bouncer, the reticular activating system. Its job is to decide, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, of the six to 10 million bits coming at me a million miles an hour, what's actually important? Now, here's where this gets interesting. What's important is what you tell your reticular activating system is important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
This is so cool. This is a treasure trove. This is how you take control of your mind. If you're interested in achieving your goals and making more money and having a positive mindset, understanding that your brain is trying to help you, And if you're not helping your brain by telling your brain what's important to it, it's gonna filter out things that could be helping you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So I also want to thank you for taking the time to listen to something that's not only going to help you create a more positive mindset, and it's going to teach you five simple things that you can do to let go of the negative thoughts and train your mind to work for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And that brings me back to this daily habit that I have. Anytime I'm on a walk, I'm looking for hearts. Because it's a way for me to prove to myself that the filter's actually working. And you're gonna be startled when you see this. You are literally gonna go out for a walk today, or you're gonna be out and about in your life, and maybe you've already seen something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Maybe you've already seen a heart as you've been listening to me or watching on YouTube right now, that you've seen this heart. And the reason why you saw it is because you and I are talking about it. It's sort of like, you know, another example I can give you about how this works is, you know how social media
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
is dynamically filtering things based on what it either watches you watching on social or it hears you talking to somebody about something. And, you know, you're talking about maybe bird feeders. And next thing you know, there's freaking ads for bird feeders all over your social media. Well, that's because social media has a filter. and it's dynamic. Your brain has the same thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so this is a habit looking for hearts that you can do all day, every day to strengthen this filter. Every time you see a heart, here's what I want you to do. I want you to stop and just take it in. I want you for a minute in a very calm way to to see this heart that you see as a sign from the universe or God or goddesses or whatever you believe in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
that the world is actually trying to help you, that there are signs all around you. And you, just like I used to, you're just so up in your head and your computer is aimed against you that you're not programming it correctly to see the positive signs that are around you. If you can tell your brain to look for a heart, you can actually learn to use this habit to look for other things too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I mean, one of the reasons why I'm so successful in business and why it appears from the outside that I'm a super lucky person is because I understand all of the things I'm teaching you today. I have learned how to take that supercomputer between my head and stop aiming it at myself and aim it out and to program it to help me spot coincidences and to help me spot things that are going my way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because when you start to spot things that are going your way, you start to spot more things that are going your way. Just like you're going to notice that, oh my gosh, Mel, now that I saw one heart, I see them everywhere. Same here. Why? Because I've told my brain to. If you've read The High Five Habit, chapter seven of the book is about love. this programming.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm so excited that you're listening to that for yourself and also that you're going to be able to share this resource with people that you care about because I know you're the type of person who values your time and you made the time to listen to this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And one of the things that I love since introducing the world to the high five habit and writing this book is that every day on social media, people post hearts that they find. This is on page 91 of the book. It's just plastered with hearts that people have found. And it's evidence that your mind can be trained. Now, here's something I want to read to you, okay?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because you may be thinking, look, I got huge problems, Mel. The negativity is justified because there's a lot of things going on in my life. And so I want to say something right now. Looking for hurts is not going to make your problems go away. Not at all. What looking for hearts does is it actually leverages the power of your mind to problem solve and to start to work for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I got to start with baby steps here. Like if you can't find a heart as you're taking a walk outside tomorrow, you're not going to believe that your brain and the filter in it is there for you to use to your advantage. You know, as I write in this book,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You know, the point of this exercise is to train your mind to spot things you currently block out and prove to yourself that you can make your brain work for you by telling it what is important to you. And if you want to make a lot of money, you better train your mind to see opportunities and deals that other people walk right by. just like the stupid heart rock on the ground.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because if you miss the heart rock because you're not looking for it, then you're gonna miss the opportunities and deals that are right there that you currently aren't seeing because you're not looking for it either. And the only reason why you're not looking for it is because you haven't made this a project. And the way you can start doing this is by looking for hearts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It's my way to prove to you that this filter is there and it is waiting for you to program it. And it's a simple thing. You can do this with your kids. You can do it anywhere that you live in the world. You can do this as a way to start to understand that, wow, My mind is very flexible. Wow, there are things that I see now that I've never seen. Nothing changed in the outside world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so if you're sick of beating yourself up, if you're sick of living in a negative place, or if you're just curious, like how do I use simple research-backed methods to actually make my mind work for me, holy cow, are you in the right place because that's exactly what we're going to talk about today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
What changed is the filter on the supercomputer because you programmed it. And you can train yourself in how you program it by simply looking for hearts. How freaking cool is that? And that brings me to tool number three. And tool number three is all about manifesting. And again, just like looking for hearts, this is not fairy dust and woo-woo, this is hard science.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I mentioned a Stanford neurosurgeon and neuroscientist by the name of Dr. Jim Doty. Well, I'm gonna bring Dr. Jim Doty into this part of our brain training session. Because as I said earlier, he's not only a professor, a New York Times bestselling author, he's a world-renowned expert on the neuroscience of manifestation. He also is a neurosurgeon who operates on the brain.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I mean, this guy understands the science. And he has this extraordinary way of explaining what manifestation is. And manifestation, in the words of Dr. Doty... is just quote, the ability to take an intention and embed it into your subconscious in a manner such that it has the greatest likelihood to occur.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
In other words, Dr. Doty teaches people around the world, and he's about to teach you this, that you can, through intentional actions, fire and wire your neural pathways together to make your supercomputer in your brain help you. That's what this is. Manifesting isn't magic and woo-woo and fairy dust. Manifesting is programming your brain so that it helps you get what you want in life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And there is so much amazing hard science here. And I'm going to bring Dr. Doty into the conversation because Dr. Doty is not only going to explain this at a scientific level for you, and he's going to talk about the parts of the brain that you use when you want to intentionally program your brain to work for you, but he is also going to walk you through the five simple steps that he uses.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm talking Stanford's neuroscientist and neurosurgeon, the guy who wrote the book on the science of manifesting, is going to walk you through the five things he does every morning in his manifesting practice so that you can learn how to do this too. And don't go anywhere because we're going to hear a short word from our sponsors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm going to give you a second to share this extraordinary conversation with the people that you care about. And when we return, you and I are going to learn from Dr. Jim Doty. on the science of manifesting, because that is the third skill that you need in order to leverage the power of your brain. We'll be right back. Welcome back, it's your buddy Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Five simple things that you can do to take control of your mind, let go of negative thoughts, and redirect all your mental energy toward happiness, success, and self-transformation. And so, you know, I always am very intentional about why I want to talk to you about certain things. And what inspired this conversation today is the conversation I had with my daughters.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I love our topic today and I'm so excited for you and I'm excited for everybody that you share this with because these are simple things that we're talking about that truly help you leverage the full capacity of your brain. And one of my favorite tools is manifesting. And what you're about to learn is that manifesting is not magic, it's not fairy dust, it is hard science.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And it is all about intentional ways you can leverage your brain circuitry to lay down new neural pathways and embed programming in your subconscious mind. And I wanted you to learn from the best of the best. And in my opinion, the best of the best is Dr. Jim Doty. Dr. Jim Doty is a fascinating guy. He is a professor at Stanford. He is the former chairman of the Dalai Lama Institute.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
He is a neuroscientist and a neurosurgeon. And he trained at Stanford. And he has a New York Times bestselling book that is all about the science of manifesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm so excited for you to learn from him because one of the things he's about to share with you is he's not only going to break down what manifesting is and what it means to embed something in your subconscious and what it means to lay down neurocircuitry. But he's going to walk you through what he does every morning in his manifesting practice. And this is something you can use.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You can literally try this tomorrow morning. And what I'm excited about for you is that it's so easy. And the way that he describes it, it just makes so much sense. So it is my absolute honor to be able to introduce you to Dr. Jim Doty and have you spend a little bit of time learning from him. Check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Now, can we unpack that just a minute? Sure. Because everyone that listens to this loves to make sure that they just got the instructions from you, Dr. Doty, because I'm like hanging on every word. And so there were a couple steps to that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
She's picking apart how she looks. She's working very hard and she was like, I know I'm working very hard and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and yet I'm telling myself it's not enough. Have you ever been in that kind of place? I know I have. Or maybe somebody that you love, they're really stuck in this negative rut right now. Well, that's what you and I are going to talk about today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because you had the physical pencil, you had the act of writing, you had this moment where if you're watching on YouTube, you saw it, but if you're listening, let me describe it. He sat back in his chair, he put his hands kind of in prayer at his chest, closed his eyes, and he started talking about repeating the thought. Is that the chain of events that you do to encode it in your mind?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So will you walk us through it one more time? Sure.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I mean, we always get on FaceTime, the three of us do, typically when one of us is getting ready or we're waking up in the morning. And we were on FaceTime the other day. And as I shared earlier, one of our daughters is 24. The other one is 25. One lives in New York. One lives in L.A. I live in southern Vermont.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Is that the same thing as the reticular activating system?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Okay. So the default mode network.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So if you have negative self-talk, if you ruminate, if you are like, I'm never good enough, nothing works out for me, things like that don't happen to a person like me, I can never get it right. That is in the default mode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Can I ask you another question? Because one of the things that you said at the very, very beginning is you painted this gorgeous picture picture of the ability to leverage the remarkable power of your brain to help you get what you truly desire in life, to help you live in heart mode. And you said it's just about believing it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And part of the reason why we have trouble believing it is because of the default mode network and all of these stories you've repeated over and over and over again. Is that fair to say?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And can we can reprogram or we can lay down a new track?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so just like you do with the people you care about, we get on FaceTime all the time and we're yapping away. And all of a sudden, one of my daughters is like, I'm just in this negative place right now. It's like nothing I do is enough. Everything that I put on my body doesn't look good. No matter how hard I'm working, I just am constantly trashing myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Don't you just love Dr. Jim Doty? I freaking love him. I always feel smarter when I listen to him. And he just shared so much that I want to unpack it all with you. And I want to put it in the language that you and I have been using since we started this conversation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because what Dr. Jim Doty just did as a neuroscientist and a neurosurgeon is he broke down absolutely every aspect of what I've been talking to you about. Did you catch that? but he put it in terms of the different networks and the functioning of your brain. And so I want to just highlight and repeat a couple things, okay?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So as he explained the way that your mind worked, and he went through the mechanics of manifesting, which as he said, the same thing I said, this is not woo-woo, it's not fairy dust, this is hard science. This is intentionally embedding information in your brain. And by intentionally embedding information in your brain, you are activating certain aspects of your brain to work for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I'm gonna unpack all of this because he basically just explained why having projects is super important. because it activates the task positive network in your brain. He referred to it as a bloodhound. I called it a golden retriever. It's that instinct, that executive functioning, that focusing of your attention on something outside of you. That's a good thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And then my other daughter chimed in, and I was horrified to hear that they were both kind of in this place where they're focused on the negative, where their thoughts are kind of turned back against them. And as we're having this conversation, it reminded me of a story that I've shared on this podcast and I've shared in some interviews that I've done.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And you can train your brain using the method he just talked to us to be able to do it, which is how you're gonna train your brain to work for you. You're gonna get that bloodhound or that golden retriever to chase down what you want instead of turning itself at you. And he went through this process, and I'm gonna repeat it for you, whereby you can
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
intentionally, through repetition, and by being intentional, you can encode a default way of thinking. And it could be anything. I'm going to give you an example from my own life. So I used to be a person that struggled a lot with anxiety. I used to see the negative. I used to be constantly worried. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if the other thing happens?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I don't think like that anymore. I have used the tools that we've been talking about to reprogram my brain to have a different default thinking, which is I always think either, well, what if this all works out? Because I don't know in a moment of worry whether it works out or not. So why not consider as your default, what if this works out?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I also, as a default, have programmed into my mind, I believe that this moment is leading me somewhere that I'm meant to go. It's either teaching me something or it's giving me a skill or a lesson that I need. And I don't know why I need this, but at some point in the future, I believe that I'll look back on this moment and I'll know why this happened.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It's a way to kind of have faith and this kind of trust and assurance in myself that to be able to face life's challenges. I have intentionally programmed that into my mind. How do you do it? You do it exactly as Dr. Doty just walked you through. He said, you take out a pencil, you write down what you wanna believe. I believe I'm capable of success. I believe I am worthy of love.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I believe that the love of my life is around the corner. I believe that this moment is temporary and the future is brighter. I believe that I'm stronger than I think. You can write down anything you wanna believe about yourself. You can write down that I'm beautiful. You could write down that I'm working very hard and my hard work is going to pay off.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And all I need to do is just keep my head down and keep being a kind person and working hard and things are going to work out. And Dr. Doty says, take out a pencil, write down the statement that you want to believe about yourself. After you write it down, you're going to read it to yourself. Then you're going to say it out loud. And what did he just teach us?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
That if you do this over and over, you wake up every day and you pick up the pencil and you write it down and you read it to yourself, then you read it out loud. Through repetition, you are intentionally embedding this belief about yourself. And he then explained to you, I mean, I think this is so exciting. the different parts of your brain networks that are activated.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Number one, by writing it down, you're making it important. Number two, through the repetition, you're actually embedding the intention in your subconscious, right? What does that do? Well, remember when we talked about looking for hearts? It's the same thing. By telling yourself that you want to see a heart, you're making it salient. You're making it important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You're telling the reticular activity system that seeing hearts is important to you. Same thing with a positive attitude. Same thing with believing that things are going to work out for you. Isn't that kind of cool? So now the filter changes because you're embedding this. And then what happens? He talked about the focus and attention network. That's this filter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You know, I've been talking about the Let Them Theory book. And so you may have heard this story, but it's such an important and compelling story that it bears repeating. And so here's what happened. My 25-year-old daughter, Sawyer, and I wrote the Let Them Theory book together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
That's you directing the supercomputer in your mind to filter out anything that is unrelated to this thing you want to believe. And for me, it's literally what if it all works out? It's this belief that if I just show up every day and I do my best and I'm a kind person and I just do the reps and put in the work, eventually things work out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I do believe that because I have used this process to embed that belief. And then what happens is when you use the process, you make it important, Through repetition, you embed it in your mind. You then are changing the RAS, which is all about focus and attention. Now you're triggering what he called the task positive network. That's the bloodhound in your mind. I call it the golden retriever.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Boom. It's now actively chasing down anything that is related to this thing that you want. That's how it works based on the science. And that also covers all of the things we've talked about so far. Having a project and the research about how that aims your brain at something rather than having your problem solving aimed at you. Number two, we talked about looking for hearts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And this is exactly what Dr. Doty is talking about when he's talking about embedding a belief and changing the filter and activating this task network to find things for you. Third, we've just talked about the neuroscience and the mechanics of manifesting and how you cement in new thinking and you program your brain to work for you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Fourth, let's jump into this one, because this is a simple suggestion for how you can put it all together, and this suggestion is called how you direct your thinking with one sentence. And what I love about this skill is this comes from another world-renowned medical doctor and one of the world's leading experts on the brain itself. I'm talking about none other than Dr. Daniel Amen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
He has scanned 225,000 brains, including mine. He has scanned brains of patients from 155 countries. Not only that, but he's written 12 New York Times bestselling books on the brain and brain health. He is a psychiatrist for 40 years. He is the founder and chief executive officer of the Amen Brain Clinics, and he's also the founder of Change Your Brain Foundation, BrainMD, and the Amen University.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And on the press tour, a ton of people have asked me, what was it like to work on a project of that magnitude, writing and researching a book with one of your kids? And it was incredible. I mean, it was absolutely incredible for a number of reasons to not only get to know her in a completely different way because I'm her mother and she's my daughter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
This is a busy guy, which means he knows not only about brain health, he knows how to leverage the power of your brain. I wanted you to get to learn from him. This is something that he shared with me when he was on the Mel Robbins podcast. It's the fourth skill I want you to start practicing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It is one sentence that you can say in the morning and one sentence that you can say at night that leverages a everything that you have just learned from Dr. Jim Doty to embed a positive mindset. So let's take a listen and learn together from Dr. Daniel Amen. Check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Here's what I love about what Dr. Daniel Amen just shared with us. This is so simple. I'm just gonna repeat it. Every morning, I gotta look ahead at the day, I gotta activate the bloodhound, and I gotta look for things that are gonna make it a great day. And guess what happens with your brain? Your brain is so smart that it'll find whatever you're asking for.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so when you give it that project to look ahead and you unleash the bloodhound and the golden retriever, it's gonna find reasons that today is gonna be a great day. And then at night, as you lay your head down on the pillow and you say to your brain, well, what went well today? you just did the same thing again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And what I love about this simple sentence in the morning and at night is that it's not only a way to program your subconscious to reflect on the positive, it's a way to train your brain to direct it, to activate that task network that Dr. Doty was talking about, that bloodhound and the golden retriever in there to go find it. And the more that you prompt yourself
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so we have the mother-daughter dynamic and we're very close, but we've always kind of had this friction. But having this project that we could both focus on and organize ourselves around was super cool because I got to experience her in a completely different way. And here's what happened.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
To see what went well or what's going to go great, the more you're going to see the good things that are happening that you currently don't. And I have found that this works beautifully in my life because there's a ton of great things that happen and they're small things, but we don't Look for them. And when you don't look for them, you don't see them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And when you don't see them, you miss what's actually happening in your life. And there's a lot of good, even when things are terrible, there's a lot of good that's happening in your life if you ask your brain to help you see it. And that's a simple way that you can do it. All right, that brings us to the final fifth thing. This fifth thing is literally just quieting your mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You know, I think one of my biggest problems is at the end of the day, my brain has been so busy working or just running or thinking that if you really stop and think about it, how do you shut your brain down?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Well, if you're a normal person, you probably either start watching TV or you pick up and you doom scroll with your phone or next thing you know, you might be pouring a drink to try to turn your brain off. I've certainly done that in the past. But what if there was a different option?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
What if you could just use something like the let them theory and understand that your thoughts kind of come and go, they rise and they fall? And what if you could just let the thoughts rise and not grip onto them? What if part of your wind down routine at the end of the day before your head hits the pillow and you say, what went well today, is you just let go your mind slowly quiet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Like, I just want you to really take this in for me because there's a lot of research around how mindfulness, which is not quieting of the mind, but it's really just kind of observing your thoughts without attaching yourself to them. How interesting. I'm still thinking about work. Oh, interesting. That news headline just popped in my mind. Oh, interesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Now I'm thinking about picking up my phone. You just let the thoughts rise without giving them any weight. You know, one of my favorite meditations, I don't know who told me this, so I don't know who to credit, and it involves littering. So now I'm, of course, going to make myself wrong for doing this, but this is just visual. We're not actually doing this, is thinking about your thoughts and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
as they rise up, especially negative ones, something rises up, oh, I wish I would have said that, oh, that went well, that went bad, whatever, as if you are casting them on a piece of paper into a raging river and you just watch them float downstream. And I find that to be super effective because I'm just letting the thoughts rise without giving them weight and I'm watching them float away.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And what's interesting is there's a brand new study about how effective this is. Mindfulness, just being mindful of the thoughts as they rise without attaching yourself to it. And this study was just published in the Journal of Mindfulness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So when we first started working together, I asked her if she would simply just do this research project about the let them theory because we had done a podcast episode on it. And there were all of these comments. It had gone crazy viral and really resonated with people around the world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It's research that comes out of Lawrence University and Goucher College that basically found that being present and practicing techniques where you just let your thoughts rise and fall they help you steer clear of negative thought loops. And that leads to a brighter and more positive outlook.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
They've actually found that if you're somebody that ruminates a lot, which is where you dwell on negative feelings and you dwell on what's going wrong, it can worsen symptoms of depression and you can stay stuck there. It's almost like when the dog goes number two, don't step in it. notice it, and walk past it. You can do the same things with your thoughts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I find that the let them theory is super helpful when I just say to myself, just let the thoughts come, don't attach, and then let me remind myself I'm not my thoughts. And now you've got another let me part because you now understand that supercomputer in your brain. You understand that you also have the ability to give yourself a project, especially something creative.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
If you just occupy your hands and you occupy your mind with something that is creative or a project or some ball that you can chase down, as we've been discussing over and over, that's gonna help.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Another thing that you can do is you can remind yourself to look for hearts, which activates that filter in your brain and reminds you that your mind is trying to help you see the things that are important to you. You have to remind your mind what's important to you. How do you do that? Remember the third skill, manifesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Dr. Jim Doty walked us through how it works and how you can do it through repetition. Just write it down. Read it, say it out loud, repeat it. That's the process. You also learned about this trick from Dr. Daniel Amen. One sentence in the morning. Why is today gonna be a great day? Your mind is like a bloodhound or a golden retriever.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
If you direct it like throwing a ball, why is today going to be a great day? Your mind will chase down an answer for you. It's pretty cool when you start to really embrace what I'm telling you. And finally, let the thoughts rise, let the thoughts fall. Because you have more power than you believe.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So I was like, hey, Sawyer, would you just dig into the comments on this podcast episode and the things that you're seeing that people are saying online about the things that I've been sharing, and then come back to me in a couple weeks with an analysis of what you're seeing. And I expected this to take like two weeks. Now, mind you, I'm very different than my daughter, Sawyer.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It has been so liberating and empowering and exciting when I finally took all these tools and started to use them in my life. And I'm so excited to see what happens to you when you embrace these five simple skills and you start using them in your day-to-day life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I'm certain here's what you're gonna find, and here's what the people that you share this episode are gonna find, that this is how you can take control of your mind. This is also how you let go of negative thoughts and you program in more positive default thoughts. And this is also how you redirect all of your mental energy to happiness, positivity, success, and self-transformation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And one more thing, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I am so excited for you because absolutely everything that you learned today, it works. It's simple to understand, it's simple to use. And I think you're gonna start feeling different and seeing the world and yourself differently
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
really quickly like your brain is a super cool thing because it has the ability to change and you now know simple ways you can program it every single day to work for you and i can't wait to see what happens in your life when you do all righty i'll be waiting for you in the very next episode in fact i'm going to be waiting to welcome you into it the moment you hit play i'll see you there
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And every time you see a heart, here's what I want you to do. I'm going to take a sip of my water. What's it called? A Tiguan? What's it called? A Tiguan? What's it called?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Oh, fuck. Yeah. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Okay. Wow. Bummer. Why don't you... Like, you could write down anything that you want to believe about yourself. Can you hear them? We're good, do you think? Yeah. Okay, great. All right, great job, guys. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I mean, I've got like this crazy artistic ADHD brain and Sawyer thinks in Excel spreadsheets. Before working for me and working with me, she worked at a huge cybersecurity firm that is in 44 countries and was in like the digital marketing and marketing tech side of that business. And so here she is taking on this research project for me on the side.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And I'm expecting this thing to take two or three weeks. I'm expecting the result to be like a briefing that is going to be a couple pages long. She hands me, 36 hours later, a 27-page... Like, I don't even know how to describe the way this thing was organized. It was like columns with color-coded tabs and links to the source material. And she had a two-page synopsis of...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
What do you do when it feels like your mind has actually turned against you? I know what that feels like because I lived in that negative place for decades in my life. I was smiling on the outside, but on the inside, doom and gloom. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do anything right. So when I heard my 24-year-old daughter trapped there, like it broke my heart.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
her analysis of all of the sentiment online, and she had identified all these things that needed further research. I mean, it was jaw-dropping. My brain just doesn't work like that. My brain is like letting a box full of mice loose in your kitchen. Everything scatters in different directions. This was a level of organization and mental horsepower that I actually didn't know she had.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I'm not sitting here saying she's dumb. I just didn't understand that this was how her brain worked. And when I saw this work product from her generated in 36 hours, I was not only dumbfounded at just how intelligent she is and how differently her brain works, I had this heartbreaking realization. As I looked at the 27 pages, I thought to myself, oh my God, I now know why she's so hard on herself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Because if she doesn't have a project to aim this supercomputer at, she aims it at herself. And I just want that to sit in with you for a minute. That if you have this supercomputer, and you do, you have a supercomputer between your ears. It is designed to solve problems. It is designed to spot patterns. It is designed to learn new things. It is designed to keep you safe.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It is designed to analyze things. It is designed to create and to connect and to constantly be growing. That's what your brain is doing. And it's doing an incredible job because if you're listening to this and you're able to hear these words and absorb this information or you're watching me on YouTube right now, your supercomputer is engaged. It is processing information.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
It is filing it away in your brain. There are neural pathways connecting and firing and wiring together. Like it is doing its thing. It's keeping you breathing. It's keeping your body temperature in a certain place all while you're doing this. And that's just like a scratch to the surface of what that supercomputer is doing. But I want you to really stop and consider what I'm saying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
If you have this massive horsepower between your ears, which you do, and you're not aiming it at something like a big project or something that's important or something that's positive, it's true, isn't it? that your brain aims itself back at you. And when this happened with my daughter and I had this realization, it was as if I was meeting her for the first time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
I finally understood her at a level that I had never understood her as her mother. And it even revealed a little bit about why I'm hard on myself. I mean, I just described my brain is working like taking a box of mice and letting it loose in your kitchen and everything scatters everywhere.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
But I have absolutely had those moments, and I know you have too, where you are so focused on something that you're enjoying. Like it might be something like gardening. It might be that you're a great video gamer and so you get lost in the moment. It might be when you've played sports or you're playing an instrument or it might be when you're out on a hike and you're just so hyper-present. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You can get lost in the flow of focus because you're in the present moment because your supercomputer in your mind is aimed at something outside of you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
But isn't it true that in those moments where you feel consumed with negativity or you're beating yourself up or you're constantly telling yourself it's never enough or you're seeing nothing but the negative when you look in the mirror, you've just taken all that horsepower that is designed to create and laugh and grow and solve problems and you just aimed it right at you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And then our other daughter is chiming in. Oh my God, I do the same thing. And I'm thinking, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to let the two of you stay there. I'm not going to let you waste decades of your life trashing yourself. And there's two reasons why I want to talk to you about this today. First of all, it feels awful when you talk to yourself in a way that just brings you down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so it got me thinking, If you have a brain that is designed to do all these incredible things, solve problems, grow, learn, laugh, create, be present, build, like all these amazing things, how is it that you and I can take that truth? Because I think you're with me. I can kind of feel you with me like, oh my God, I've never thought about it that way. It's true, Mel.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
If I'm engaged in something, I'm not beating myself up. If I'm working on a project that I'm truly focused on, I don't have time to trash my appearance, huh, never thought about it that way. That this supercomputer can be used for good, and if I'm not using it for good, holy cow, it feels kind of bad because it just aims it right back at me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And just in case, before I move on to these five simple things, because what I'm going to do is I'm going to teach you today. It took me far too long to learn this. I wish they taught this in schools. I wish they taught this in elementary school. That's how simple I'm going to make the science today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
There are five simple things that you can do, and you can start doing them as I'm explaining them to you. You can do these things as soon as this episode is over. These are so simple that you can make them part of your day-to-day life. These are ways for you to take control of your mind, that supercomputer in your brain.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
These are ways for you to let go of the negative thoughts, which is really what happens when your brain directs itself back at you, right? And third, we're going to talk about how do you redirect that power of your mind and aim it at something that energizes you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
How do you take all that mental energy and instead of aiming it at yourself, you actually aim it at something that creates happiness and success and more positivity and self-transformation? That's what's available to you. And I didn't understand any of this until several years ago. And so the second I'm done recording this, I'm sharing this with my two daughters.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And before we jump into the first skill, okay? And I've already kind of alluded to it. But before we jump into the first skill, I want to bring in one more visual example. Because I personally find that whenever you talk about the mind or thinking or mindset...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
it so quickly becomes fuzzy and too intellectual and too conceptual that I lose interest and I don't know what the hell people are talking about. So I like things that are visual because it helps my brain, the little mice that are running around, to just anchor on something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
So we've already talked about the supercomputer and the fact that you've got this brain between your ears that is designed to learn patterns. It's designed to grow. It's designed to fire and wire information together and program it in your mind. It's designed to filter the world. It's actually designed to help you get more of what you want. And we're going to talk more about that in a little bit.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And that's a cool thing. Have you ever in your life had the chance to spend time with like a golden retriever or a Labrador? You know, one of these dogs that from the moment they come into this world as a puppy, there is something hardwired in their DNA to just fetch.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
You throw a ball and you don't even have to train a Labrador or a golden retriever or some of these other kind of hunting breeds, I guess they call them. They will just... Go right after that ball that you throw, bring it right back. You throw it again, they bring it right back. It's like they are programmed to chase down a ball that you throw. They are programmed to chase it down and to retrieve.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And second, your brain is a supercomputer. Your brain can help you get what you want if you know how to use it correctly. And nobody teaches you this stuff. At least nobody taught me. So that's why you and I are going to talk about this today. I'm going to teach you the five simple things that help me and that are going to help you let go of the negative thoughts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Guess what? Your brain is designed to do the exact same thing. I'm going to say that again. Your brain is like a Labrador retriever or a golden retriever. It is hardwired to actually chase down something that you directed at.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
And so I love this visual because the first thing that I'm going to talk about today of the five things that I'm going to teach you is one of the things that helps you get out of that negative rut where your brain is aimed at you and you start trashing yourself down, right, is to actually give your brain something to chase down and focus on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Control Your Mind & Redirect Your Energy to Self Transformation
Think about it like you need a project or think about like the project is the ball. So with a dog that loves to chase a ball, you take that ball, you throw it in whatever direction, that dog forgets that you exist. That dog is maniacally focused on that ball.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm just sitting here trying to find the words to explain the conversation that I just had that you're about to listen to. I'm blown away. You're about to meet somebody who just changed my life, and there is no doubt in my mind that everything that you're about to learn will forever change you as a person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You can learn more about Celebrity Cruises at celebritycruises.com. Visit celebrity.com for details, ships registry, Malta, and Ecuador. Thank you so much for having me. if you're a brand new listener. And I suspect there's gonna be a lot of brand new listeners around the world that come in through this particular episode because I know you're gonna share this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So what is available? to the person who's listening to you right now. And if you could speak directly to them, whether they are a parent who has a child like just spiraling from an eating disorder or spiraling with behavior issues at schools and they're getting kicked out and they're lost or You have somebody in your life that's spiraling with addiction.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What do you want to say to that person directly about what's available to them in this conversation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
The way you just explained that makes me see it completely differently.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You were talking about skills. Can you just list off some of the skills that people that we may be dealing with in our families or at work or in life are missing that create challenging behavior?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And you know what else I just kind of got as I'm listening to you? I need to manage my face because I think I look like I'm in a state of shock the entire time I'm listening to you. So I'm like, where were you 30 years ago? You're here now, and we're all going to learn from you now, is that as you were explaining the two-year-old,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Then if you don't have the language and communication skills, it would be completely age appropriate and normal for you to exhibit challenging behavior because you don't have the language and communication skills to express what you need.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
That's how incredible what you're about to learn is going to be. And so welcome, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. You have picked a winner to jump into the Mel Robbins Podcast. And you know what it tells me? It tells me that you're the type of person who values your time. and that you're also interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life and your relationships.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Wow. The opportunity for all of us to look at any challenging behavior or any frustrating or scary dynamic with another human being as a skill issue is incredible. You've covered one of the five skills and that was communication and language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Right. And then also what's confounding, whether you have a child who's a gamer or you have a young adult in your life or a significant other who's a gamer, you look at the fact that they can focus there. Yes. And then you're like, why the hell can't you pick up your shoes or pay attention or keep a job?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
See, I have both- And I'm exhibiting it in the middle of this interview.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, Dr. Ablon, my memory not working right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And today, you're gonna leave a changed person. I know I am. I have been following the work of the extraordinary Dr. Stuart Ablon for years, and I am so thrilled that we finally have him here today so that you and I can learn from him, we can grow, we can become better people, and we can use his research-backed approach to help us deal with the challenging people in our life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because, and I just want to make sure we unpack this because I think this is really important because a lot of us get in this loop, especially with kids or even with people in our lives that are adults where you literally like, let's give an example because I'm thinking about like a kid who is not studying at school and you start hammering them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You got to get more motivated, get your grades up or else you're going to get on academic probation and then you're going to get kicked out. Well, if you have poor impulse control, you're going to go party all weekend or you're going to blow off class because you don't have the ability to think about the fact that this is going to happen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And then when it happens, it's not really that motivating because you still don't have the impulse control to think about the consequences if you don't get your act together to get back into school.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that's why it's so frustrating to the rest of us Because you can see the consequences and you're like, why is this idiot not seeing what's about to happen? Do they not care about their family or their life or their future or my feelings or all that? So I can see how not seeing impulse control as a skill
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now, Dr. Stuart Ablon is an award-winning psychologist. He has over 30 years of experience, and he is an expert on challenging behavior. He's also the founder and director of Think Kids, which is a program in the Department of Psychiatry at Mass General Hospital. He's a professor at Harvard Medical School, and he started all of his work and research
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
that could be developed creates this real, like, almost toxic situation between you and another person where you just lose your power, they lose theirs, you're now in this weird standoff, and it spirals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, and what you know that I think would be helpful for the person listening to hear and understand is that the majority of people that end up in jail actually are missing these skills or have a learning disability or have impulse control issues. So it is not ever... That you're dealing with a, quote, bad human being.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You're dealing with somebody who would do well if they can, and they didn't have the conditions or the skill building that would have helped them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Yeah. Yeah, and it makes it heartbreaking. And that's why I'm thrilled that you're here because I think seeing these five skills that are things that anybody can learn, but when you're missing it, creates challenging behavior. This is the heart of what we're talking about because it allows you to approach any dynamic with any human being in a very different way. You got it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Dr. Avalon, I have so many more questions. There's so much I want to dig into with you. I need to take a short pause to hear a word from our amazing sponsors. While you're listening to our sponsors, share this with people in your life. This information, the wisdom, the research that Dr. Avalon is teaching you and me today, it will change your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I can already feel things shifting inside me and I'm sure you can too. So take a moment, share this with somebody and don't go anywhere because Dr. Avalon has so much more to teach us and we're going to be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today you and I are getting to spend time together with the amazing Dr. Stuart Ablon.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
He's teaching us how to help people change in our lives and how to deal with challenging behavior by first understanding the source of it. So Dr. Ablon, what is skill number four?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And what is flexible thinking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
with children, but has found that everything that he's learned about dealing with somebody who's exhibiting challenging behavior, you know, they're frustrating you or you're deeply worried about them, that everything that you're about to learn applies to any relationship. It applies to adults. It applies to coworkers. It applies to your marriage. You're going to love this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What's interesting is, I don't know if as you're listening to Dr. Ablon, you're like, that's me, that's me, that's me, that's me. I'm checking all five and I'm missing all of them. But what's interesting to me is that I can say that I definitely default to that all or none. Like things are absolutely fabulous or they're horrendous or it's going to be amazing or this is the worst.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
My husband and kids often feel like they're on this emotional roller coaster with me because they're not quite sure. Are we going to get the Mel who's at level 100? Are we going to get her at zero? And I work at this. So I hear what you're saying as a skill. Like I have to practice these tools of catching my own thinking. Yes. And wanting to have a mindset that is more flexible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And over time, I've absolutely become way more flexible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Absolutely. This is so empowering. What is the fifth?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I love the title of his new bestselling book, Changeable, The Surprising Science Behind Helping Anyone Change. And that's what the conversation is all about today. How you can use science to help anyone in your life, no matter how challenging or scary the situation might be. Yes, you can help them change. Dr. Ablon, it is such an honor to meet you. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I can also think of things like, especially in the social behavior, like if you're somebody that just doesn't have the skill of the cues. Yes. You're the awkward kid or the awkward person at work that just stands a little too close to everybody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Or like close talker, or you follow somebody too closely into the bathroom and you just don't know. Yes. That that then becomes its own thing that makes you start to wonder, why don't I have friends? And why do I feel like I don't belong here?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And so how does missing those skills create this dynamic that is challenging for us with other people?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Please, because I think where we're going now is, especially if you think about it from a parenting context, that when you get frustrated, you then discipline and you punish and you scream or yell or timeouts or whatever it may be. Yeah. And what is the impact if we're dealing with a skill situation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Where I want to start is, could you just tell the person listening what they could experience in their life that would be different if they really take to heart everything that you're about to share with us and teach us today?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
We call that a smucker's grandparent. You know how they used to put them on TV?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Yes, with the smucker's jam. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'd love to have you talk a little bit about That sentiment that some parents have or some people have that's like, well, you know, nobody talked to me about that and I turned out okay. Like how you address that sort of generational pattern and cynicism that has been passed down through families and in our society.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm really glad that you said that because when you go back to the five things that are skills that are missing if somebody is exhibiting challenging behavior and now you're connecting the dots to any form of trauma is interfering with your ability to have those five skills, whether you're talking about racism or poverty or having a parent going through a struggle or financial hardship or
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
a parent that's absent or mental illness or abuse, like all of these things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Impact your ability to develop these skills, which then impact the behavior that then becomes seen by the outside world as challenging.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So, Dr. Avalon, I'm totally bought in. Give me the step-by-step.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So you've got somebody in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
that has a problem. And it could be anything from somebody who has a mental health issue and is not taking their meds or using their tools. It could be somebody who is not looking for a job. It could be a kid who is oppositional.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm in. This may seem like a hard question, but in the 30 years of clinical psychology experience and being the founder of the Think Kids program at Mass General Hospital, what are some of the biggest takeaways that you have from your career truly working with parents and kids specifically?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Okay, so plan A is I'm getting them out of bed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You have to choose the approach and choose it powerfully.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Got it. OK, this is so I just want to make sure that as you're listening, you get step one is you're going to list out everything that's frustrating you. And then you're going to choose between these three plans.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Got it, okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You know what I love about this conversation is that You know, all of this work that I'm doing about saying let them and then saying let me. When you say let them, you're choosing plan C. But then when you say the second part, which is let me, you come back to your work, which is let me actually follow what works when I'm ready to do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because you're recognizing the way you've been doing it isn't working. It's just backfiring. And this is out of your control at the moment. And so you're choosing not to stress yourself out about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So let's say you, and again, I think what's fascinating to continue to remind you as you're listening is that this applies for any situation, whether you can't get your kid out of bed or whether you have somebody spiraling with an eating disorder who is refusing treatment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Dr. Avalon, I wish I knew this 30 years ago. And I need to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. I'm going to give you a chance to just kind of let all of that sink in. And of course, please share this with people that you care about and don't go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you with Dr. Avalon and so much more to unpack with you after a short break.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins today. You and I are getting to learn from the extraordinary Dr. Stuart Ablon from Mass General Hospital. He's the founder of Think Kids. And Dr. Ablon, let's just jump right back in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So let's say you're in a really challenging situation with somebody. Whether I was in a situation with my husband who was struggling with depression, did not want to seek treatment. I have a number of friends that are dealing with situations with adult kids who are struggling with mental health or struggling with an eating disorder, also mental health. And it's a wildly frustrating dynamic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
It will change how you think about relationships, how you think about yourself. It'll change how you parent, how you show up at work. I mean, this is one of those conversations that sticks with you for a lifetime. Dr. Stuart Ablon, who has been a clinical psychologist for over 30 years practicing at Mass General Hospital here in Boston,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And when you say challenging behavior.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So how do we do that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What do you put in that bucket?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I don't know who said this, but when I heard this, I was like, oh, I think I understand what empathy, especially as a parent, but also truly is. in any relationship means. They said, it's not your child's job to help you understand them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
It's your job to figure out who they are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
No, it doesn't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, thank God, because we all need to know how to do this, because I don't think any of us really, I think we do it performatively. Yes. Where we want to try to understand, but we don't know how to step into someone else's shoes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And really attempt to understand what it's like being them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And what would you tell the person who's listening right now who's either overwhelmed or burnt out or just tired of dealing with a person or a particular issue in their life? And they're just like, is this ever going to end? Is this ever going to get better?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now you had your session with Dr. Adlon and now you're going to come check the boxes and then drag me back to therapy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
That is so disarming. Like, even as I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of somebody. Yeah. Because what you've probably experienced is the tension and the pressure and the judgment and the standoff and the only way that you can feel some semblance of control over your life is to resist what somebody's trying to make you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Just to recap to make sure I'm tracking. The first thing is for you to really sit down and take a look at what is the specific dynamic and when does it happen that is bothering you. And then you have to make a conscious decision about whether you're going to go with plan A, which is imposing what you want, which we know doesn't work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Plan B, which is the kind of collaborative approach based in the research and the neuroscience and all of the work that you do, which is about you activating this helping relationship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Or there's plan C, which is just use the let them theory and make a decision and say, let them. And I'm going to say, let me come back to this when I'm ready to follow Dr. Ablon's approach. And now we're at the part where you have sat down and you have really led with empathy. Yep. And we have asked the open-ended questions.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I forgot the second part because I'm missing skill number two, where you have the ability to have a working memory. So I'm going to be in there as I'm listening going, one, two, three. Okay. So what's the next step?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now, let me ask a question about this, though, because you've just reassured them you're not doing anything. So should you do it in that conversation or how do you set this up so it doesn't feel like a bait and switch?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You know what? I just had a huge breakthrough. This is one of the skills that I need because I think whenever I get worried or frustrated, I default immediately to problem solving mode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that creates a tremendous number of problems in my life because I'm either running people over Or I'm frustrated because I see a solution that I think works, but now somebody feels like they're being minimized or micromanaged. Yep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, and also mine. And also when you got the one hand up, it looks like you're about to get smacked. So no, I'm serious. Like the visual is really good because if you think about it, like the whole three-step approach is about getting their worries and their experience on the table and your worries, but zero solution right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And then you're working- Just like, let's talk about what we're both concerned about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Oh, adult, child, both. That's why. So it's adult, both, child. I got it. That's why there's three plans. You're a genius.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, because you got to keep yourself-
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I think that's a critical thing here is it's one thing to understand somebody. It's a completely different way to go through life and want to actually understand what somebody's going through and where they're coming from. Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Let's walk through that one because I think that's a huge concern. I was talking to somebody who is actually very worried about their father. So he's our age and his father is now retired.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
On his iPad all day, goes to bed with it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And his mom is upset about it. I mean, there's a real addiction there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And he's very concerned. He doesn't know how to address it. And so I think it's probably the same conversation, whether you're talking to a 10-year-old or you're talking to an 80-year-old.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, that's cool. So it sounds like what we're going to learn from you today is an entirely different way to look at and approach a situation where someone's pissing you off.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, we're going to link to it in the notes of this episode because I'm sure people are really interested in that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm so excited to try this. I am curious what you're seeing in your work when it comes to young adults, because it seems, at least maybe it's just what my friends and I are talking about, but it seems like there's a tremendous amount of challenges with parenting kids in their late teens and into their 20s. Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
How do you think about this in terms of the challenging dynamics that you're seeing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Which is you're doing this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And what is your advice about the financial piece? Because I think it's a very tricky dynamic. Yes. Because the fact is, you know, when I look at the city of Boston where we're sitting right now, I saw a statistic that housing prices have gone up 78% in three years here. No, it's absurd. It's absurd.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And, you know, I think about when I was a young lawyer working at Legal Aid, my parents helped me pay rent. I couldn't afford the rent and groceries. Yes. But then you get into this dynamic where you might be helping your kid, but then you see them going out and you see them buying things. And then you start to have opinions about how they're using their money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I see it with so many of our friends. We've experienced this in our family where you want to help if you can. Yeah. Yes. And that in and of itself is a wonderful place to be in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
No. And you also start to feel like I'm contributing to the, quote, lack of motivation. But if we go all the way back to the beginning where you said kids do well if they can. Yeah, it's not a lack of motivation. What is it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
It's a lack of skills to deal with the new world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
One family is going to say- My concern is you're going to never get your act together and I'm going to be paying for your ass the rest of your life. So we might rephrase that slightly. Okay, slightly. This is not a safe place, Doug.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, how do we say, how do you say it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because I'm worried. I'm worried about you finding your way. I'm worried about you being, now I'm about to get upset. I'm worried about you being happy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm worried about you like feeling successful.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Yeah. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I love this. Thank you for also painting the landscape against which we're actually living right now and understanding that it is very different than when we were in our 20s or our teens or our 30s. Like a completely different world that impacts you and the five skills that you've been talking about. And one of the things that I love about your work is that it feels as though
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Following everything that you've taught us today gives you the ability to change the way things have always been in your family. And I look at a lot of the incredible research that's been done around trauma and trauma the kind of takeaways that people can only give you what they have to give. People just repeat the things that are done to them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I wanted to share something with you because I found it to be so extraordinarily powerful. And it was an appearance that Des Bryant, who is a former NFL player who played for eight seasons for the Cowboys, he was on this podcast that I personally love called The Pivot. And he had talked about how he had a really difficult upbringing. His mom was a teen mom. His dad wasn't around.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that he's really focused on trying to give his kids the support that he didn't get as a kid. And so he has this quote in his phone. And he pulled it out on the podcast and read it. And just, it was so emotional. And I want to share it with you and just get your thoughts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Dr. Stuart Ablon, what are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Oh, I just love you. I just love you. I am so happy you're here. Thank you for sharing your work. Thank you for doing your work. I'm excited because I feel like I'm going to be a better parent and a better spouse and a better colleague and a better human being because of you. I can't wait to have you back. And I know that this is going to be shared all around the world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I really hope, my wish for you...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
um as you've been listening is that you listen to this with the people that you care about that's my hope and uh one more thing in case no one else tells you i wanted to be sure to tell you that i love you i believe in you and i believe in your ability to create a better life and you and i just got the road map to doing that with other people and with ourselves and i cannot wait to see what happens when you use it alrighty i'll be waiting for you in the next episode i'll see you there
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, what I immediately think about, and I'm sure we're going to unpack this in great detail, is I think about situations in my life, whether it's dealing with our son Oakley when he was in the fourth grade and we were just figuring out that he had dyslexia and ADHD and he was super lonely and felt like an outsider and we were trying to help. but everything was a standoff and a fight.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Love, love, love. All right. All right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
All right. Dr. Stewart, Albon. I already said it wrong. Jesus. Here goes the dyslexia.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
How do you say it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Avalon. You got it. I think I was going to say Avalon.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
This is what I mean. Is this too long? Because my husband was like, this damn cat. And I'm like, Chris, he can't tell you that he's sad. Yes. Because he's only doing it in front of Oakley's door, which is shut.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So what is step two?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You're so good. I do. Oh my God. The whole time I'm trying to be present, I'm like, we should write a children's book together. We should do this. Let's go on tour. Ha ha ha. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher. Hey, thanks for sticking around for this bonus segment about the importance of breaking out of your routine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Has it ever occurred to you that not taking a break and working yourself into the ground, that that has become your new routine? That's a terrible routine. And I don't want you to go through life like that, and neither does the sponsor of this special bonus segment, Celebrity Cruises. They asked me to talk to you about breaking out of this routine where all you do is work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And this is a very important topic because if you don't learn how to take breaks and step away, then you're going to sail through your life and get to the end of it and realize you never actually did anything that made you happy. And we're not going to let that happen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You have to make it part of your new routine to get away, to take breaks, and dare I say, plan things that make you happy and that allow you to enjoy yourself. And speaking of enjoying yourself, before we jump into this whole topic about how work can become your routine and how you got to break out of it, I want to tell you a little bit about our sponsor, Celebrity Cruises.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Our friends at Celebrity Cruises go to nearly 300 incredible destinations across seven continents. I mean, just picture yourself soaking up the rich history and vibrant culture of Europe. That's breaking out of your routine right now. Or getting lost in the wild beauty of Alaska. Or imagine, oh my gosh, stretching out on the white pinky sands in the beaches of the Caribbean and the ships.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
They aren't just a way to get somewhere. They're destinations in and of themselves. And it makes it so easy to break out of your routine from the rooms to the food to the entertainment. There's something amazing around every corner. And you know what? Maybe that's all your life is missing. You're just so caught up in work, work, work or school, school, school.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Or when another situation, my husband, was going through a really bad bout of depression and I wanted to help, but I just couldn't find a way in. And I can think about challenging people in my extended family where I'm like, I'd like to help you be a better person because you piss me off and annoy me, but where it almost feels like a deadlock in terms of the dynamic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You can't even see what's right around the corner. I lived years of my life like that, never taking vacation, too tired, too this, too that. You deserve to break free from this trap. And, you know, I want to add something to the conversation because I found this survey that kind of blew my mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Did you know that more than half of the people surveyed made a life-changing decision while they were on vacation? In fact, I have made all of my major life decisions that way. I have decided to quit a job. I've decided to sell a house. I have decided that I'm going to go to therapy. When?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
When I'm on a beach or when I'm in the mountains or when I'm out on a ship at sea, staring at the endless, beautiful horizon. Why does that happen? Because a change in your environment, what does it do? It breaks your routine, which does what? It gives you a completely different change in your perspective. It's like the fresh wind of confidence blows in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that's available to you the moment you A, wake up and realize, I got to break this work routine I'm in. And you B, plan a trip to go somewhere. Because if you just keep doing what you've always done, you're going to keep feeling like you always feel, period. Plan a trip. Pull out that calendar and find the third week of some month that you could just say, that's mine right there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I dare you to do it. And I want to do a big shout out again to Celebrity Cruises for saying, hey, I would love to sponsor a segment on this, Mel. Could you do a bonus segment and just help people shake things up and remind everybody of how important that is? And Celebrity Cruises, they offer travel that will push you out of your comfort zone in the best way. It'll make you feel so alive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I mean, just imagine the perfect balance of a smaller, intimate ship with all the incredible options of a larger one. World-class restaurants, endless entertainment, gorgeous elevated rooms. Celebrity Cruises will help you get out of your routine and into something extraordinary. Learn more at CelebrityCruises.com. Visit Celebrity.com for details, ships registry, Malta, and Ecuador.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And it's as if they don't want help and you don't know what to do. And so are you saying it's possible for us to change our approach and that changes what happens?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
just came in here and taught me some of the most important things that I have ever learned in my life. I cannot wait for you to hear this. I cannot wait for you to share this with the people that you love. And it is my absolute honor to share it with you. If you're kind of in one of those modes where you're just like tired of your day-to-day life, it's like the same old, same old.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I love this. And what I really want to make sure that I highlight as you're listening is that sentence, kids do well if they can. And adults do well if they can. And I am so... I guess, hopeful. And I feel better knowing that we're starting from a position based on 30 years of research where you've seen over and over and over again, everybody wants to do better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And if you provide the right conditions, they can get better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
But that's not what's normally standing in someone's way, is it? I think that's where it's going.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Please don't. If you're watching this podcast on YouTube, you're seeing my mouth slowly open wider and wider as my jaw is hitting the ground because this is the simplest explanation for and the most empowering and encouraging explanation I have ever heard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What if I told you that's a good thing? Because it means you're ready to make a change. And in a special bonus segment at the very end of the episode, I'm going to show you some research-backed ways to break out of a rut. And I want to thank our sponsor, Celebrity Cruises, for bringing me the opportunity to be able to talk to you about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
for how to change the way you look at other people in your life, whether like me, you're a boss and you're trying to motivate your team or you're a parent like we both are and you're trying to motivate your kids or you're dating somebody and you're like, boy, I wish you'd take better care of yourself and you're trying to motivate them. And you jump so quickly into
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
To the judgment and the frustration or the, and I'm focusing on frustration and people's behavior that pisses you off because it feels accessible and lighter because it can quickly go to the serious stuff where somebody's really struggling. and you feel like super hopeless, like that becomes very like scary to think about, but it's going to be the exact same model.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because we're starting in the exact same place with either kids or adults, which is kids do well if they can. And if you start there, instead of judging a lack of willpower or discipline or motivation, you go, okay, well, what are the conditions for doing well?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What, have you been in the car rides with me and my kids or at the kitchen? Dr. Avalon, come on now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now, I see you brought something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What is that letter that you have there?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Which, what does that mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So lately I've been struggling with this issue, and maybe you can relate to this. Here's what's going on. See, by the time I get to the evening, I am dying to get a good night's sleep. And yet I'm not getting in bed. You know what I'm doing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It's this form of procrastination that hits because you're exhausted by your day. You've just given everything that you had to give to everybody else and everything else. And now at a moment in time where you deserve rest, where you deserve to put yourself first, where you deserve to turn back toward yourself and make yourself a priority.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Now, at this moment where you and I just can't even think about another thing, this is where we procrastinate. Why are we doing this? I'll tell you why. This is crazy. You're just trying to regain some personal time. I mean, it kind of makes sense, right? Like that's why you collapse on the couch. That's why I do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And you want to know the totally screwed up thing is that my husband doesn't do this. It's kind of annoying. Like the man is so disciplined. He has his habits dialed in. His number one habit is sleep. And that man, when it is ready for him to go to bed, boom, he pops off that couch. He will leave me stranded on a deserted island called the couch in front of the TV.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
While I am flipping through the phone and flipping through the channels and then honest to God, this is what happened to me last night. The man was in bed at nine o'clock at night, 1135. I look up and I'm like, why am I still sitting here? Why am I still sitting here? And then of course I make myself wrong because of course you do the same. I should have gone to bed hours ago.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I'm even gonna walk you through what the medical experts are saying, that there are four symptoms that are a telltale indication that you're struggling with decision fatigue and it's probably ruining your evenings. You're staying up way later than you want to as a result. It's not your fault. And today we're gonna address it because this five-step evening routine never fails me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I should have gone to bed hours ago. And now I have allowed decision fatigue to turn into procrastination at bedtime where I'm making a decision. I'll just scroll a little longer. I'll just flip through the channels a little longer. I'll just avoid going to bed when I know it's the best thing for me because I'm now struggling with indecision because I gave it all to everybody else. No more.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
No more. I've done this to myself for several weeks. Now it's time for me to get serious about putting myself first again. And that brings me to the five steps of this super simple evening routine. This is an evening routine when the world is making you feel weary.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
This is the evening routine that helps you set yourself up without requiring any kind of motivation, any kind of effort, any kind of willpower. This is so simple and yet it is going to pour back into you and that's why you're going to love it. And every one of these five steps is you're going to be like, oh yeah, I know this. I just needed to be reminded of this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And the best advice in my mind is the advice that reminds you of what you know to be true. Because when you have this sense that, yeah, this is actually true. And yeah, I am struggling with decision fatigue. And yeah, I do do a lot. And since I do a lot, instead of rewarding myself with three hours of mindless social media, why don't I just get a couple extra hours of sleep?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Wouldn't that be awesome? And before we jump into this, I want to just share one more piece of research to really just say, it's okay. It's okay if you're resonating with everything and you're nodding along, you're like, that's me, that's me. And there's a reason why this happens. It's not you. This has to do with the fact that your brain's just tired.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
In fact, in this article, Dr. McLean says, research shows that the best time to make decisions is in the morning. The morning is when we make the most accurate and thoughtful decisions, and we tend to be more cautious and meticulous. How many times have you woken up in the morning and thought, all right, tonight I'm actually going to go to bed early.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Tonight I am not going to waste three hours looking at social media. Tonight I am not going to flip through the channels. Tonight I'm actually going to do my thing and I'm going to get to bed early. Well, the reason why you can think clearly in the morning is because research shows that you have the ability to be more accurate and thoughtful and cautious and meticulous.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And the opposite is true at the end of the day, that according to the research, you and I hit a plateau in the afternoon and by the evening, your decisions are more impulsive. And that explains why you can know that you need to go to bed, but you make an impulsive decision because you're tired to not go to bed. So again, I'm going to tell you, it's not your fault. This is happening to all of us.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And simply because you and I know that we shouldn't be doing it, it just isn't enough to overcome all the things that are working against you and what an incredible job you're doing all day long. And so here's what you're going to do. First of all, you're going to give yourself a break. You're going to recognize that this is a thing. You're going to acknowledge that this actually isn't your fault.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And I'm going to walk you through the five steps of this super simple evening routine. And the best part, none of this actually requires any true decision-making, like for real. This is the kind of five-step routine you can do on autopilot. You can do with zero gas in the tank. That's how easy this is, and it works. And so let's start with step number one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
whenever I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or weary, and boy, have I felt that recently, you need to go back to the basics because it's time to end the bedtime procrastination and take your evenings and your sanity back. Hey, it's Mel. And before we jump into this awesome episode, I want to invite you to stick all the way until the end.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And step number one of this simple evening routine for when the world is making you feel weary is pick your bedtime. This is the foundation for everything. And it is so obvious that when you're exhausted, you actually miss this step. And if you don't do step one, the whole evening's out the window completely. See, your entire evening routine depends on this. You have to pick your bedtime.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
If you don't pick your bedtime, you don't have an evening routine. And that's part of the problem is most people don't pick a real bedtime. Like you think, okay, I need to go to bed at 10. But in reality, you're scrolling until midnight. And so you have to be intentional about this. And here's the real trick. Are you ready? It's not sort of when you think you want to go to bed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You have to actually think to yourself, if I want to get a good night's sleep, and that's roughly eight hours. Here's the rule of thumb, and this comes from a conversation with one of the most renowned sleep experts in the world. Her name is Dr. Rebecca Robbins. She is a medical doctor and a sleep researcher at Brigham and Women's Hospital here in Boston, Massachusetts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And she basically explains that, you know, the mistake that a lot of us make is we think that, oh, if I got to get eight hours of sleep, I'm going to go right to bed at 10 o'clock. That means eight hours of sleep at 6 a.m., bada bing, bada boom. She's like, no, no, no, no. Even the best sleepers actually take about 20 minutes to truly fall asleep. And so here's a simple rule of thumb.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I'm going to give a huge shout out to my friend, Amy. This is the rule of nine hours. You ready? This is going to blow your mind. If you want to get eight hours of sleep, you need to spend nine hours in bed. You ready? You want to get eight hours of sleep? You got to spend nine hours in bed. And so here's how I want you to find your real bedtime.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And you can make this decision first thing in the morning. Like first thing in the morning when you don't have decision fatigue, you can say to yourself, tonight I'm going to get a good night's sleep, which means I got to spend nine hours in bed if I want to get eight hours. And so what time do I need to wake up? And then let's work backwards. So let me explain how this works.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Let's say that you want to get up at six o'clock in the morning. In order to follow this rule, you want eight hours of sleep, you got to spend nine hours in bed. We got to move from 6 a.m. all the way back in time, nine hours. That means your bedtime is 9 p.m. So if you want to get eight hours of sleep and be up by 6 a.m., you got to be in bed by 9 p.m. I love this rule of thumb.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And now let's give you some more examples. If you want to wake up at 7 a.m. and you'd actually like to give yourself eight hours of sleep, if we go from 7 a.m. back in time nine hours, you got to be in bed by 10. You got to be in bed by 10 p.m. If you're going to get up at 8 o'clock in the morning, In order to get eight hours of sleep, do not be in bed at midnight. That was the old Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Pull right in, right on the deadline there. I got to get right in bed for the eight hours. No, no, no, no, no. You're not giving yourself actual time to fall asleep. So by the time you get into bed, you're already late. You're already behind. And so your bedtime is not when you fall asleep. It's when you physically get in bed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Just think to yourself, when do I actually need to get up in the morning to set myself up to have a good day? So give yourself time. For me, that's 6 a.m. 6 a.m. is really the golden hour for me. If I get out of bed at 6 a.m. and I've had eight hours of sleep, I am a different human being. And the problem is that if I do this math, I gotta be in bed for nine hours to get eight hours of sleep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And if I wanna get up at 6 a.m., that means I gotta be in bed by 9 p.m. That's not what my bedtime's been. So no wonder I'm screwing myself over.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And so I want you to think about this right now because you know what time you should be getting out of bed because it just gives you enough time to set yourself up and get your morning started in a way that empowers you, which you deserve, by the way, because you're doing so much all day long. So let's start there. Do you want to get up at 5 a.m., 6 a.m., 7, 8? What time do you want to get up?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I've got a special segment that's all about stepping out of the day-to-day routine of your life that can get boring. You're going to learn how shaking things up in even the littlest ways can boost your mood, bring excitement back to your relationships, and make life feel fun again. And you deserve that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And then let's move the clock backwards nine hours. And that's your bedtime. And one more also piece of research here that will help you with this is you can pick this as a general rule for yourself. Like my husband's bedtime is 9 p.m. That's when the man goes to sleep and he falls asleep very fast. He wakes up at 5.30 a.m. like clockwork every single day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
He has no drama, no procrastination because he has picked his bedtime. And what's interesting is there's research from Harvard Medical School, this comes from their guide to a good night's sleep, that having a consistent bedtime helps you fall asleep faster and get deeper sleep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
So step one, what you can do right now is I want you to pick your bedtime and I promise you it's earlier than you think it should be. because I never did the math properly until I sat down with Dr. Rebecca Robbins and had this, whoa, wait a minute. If I want eight hours of sleep, I got to be in bed nine hours. That gives me time to read a book. It gives me time to kind of lay there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It doesn't put pressure on me. I don't start getting nervous. I'm actually working with the science. And since you pick your bedtime ahead, You don't need to worry about decision fatigue. And here's another simple tip you can do. If you're just starting to learn this new routine, put it in your phone as an alarm. Because that way, if you're sitting on the couch mindlessly
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
procrastinating and doom scrolling or flipping through the channels boom it comes up and it's like bedtime you need to be in bed for nine hours to get eight hours of sleep and you deserve that and if that pops up it's like a little nudge from you when you had clearer thinking to remind you okay put the phone down because it's time to turn back toward you and give your energy back to you
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Alrighty, that's the first step. We have four more to cover. You're going to absolutely love these. We're just getting started. It's going to change how you feel in the morning. It's going to change what you do at night. It's going to help you take control of your evenings when the world makes you feel very weary. Those four additional steps are coming up. So don't go anywhere. Stay with me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm so excited to be with you today because today we are talking about an evening routine that helps you take control of your evenings and get a great night's sleep and put yourself first, especially in moments in time where the world is making you feel overwhelmed and tired and weary. And this is so simple.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And the first step we've already talked about, which is picking your bedtime. And you've also learned this rule that changed my life, that if you want to get eight hours of sleep, you got to spend nine hours in bed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And I also want to thank our sponsor, Celebrity Cruises, because I've got some incredible ways to help you shake things up and you're going to love it. So stay tuned. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. First of all, it's always such an honor to spend time with you, to be together.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And so your bedtime that really sets you up for success, once you pick it right now, you don't have to think about it again, is calculate when you want to wake up and then back up the truck, nine hours, that's your bedtime. Now you're going to move to step two. Clean up the mess so you start your day fresh. It's just like flushing the toilet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like when you've used the toilet and you've made a mess, why would you leave it in there? Of course you don't want to. You want to clean up the mess so that you have a bowl that's fresh, right? And I want you to think about your day just like using a bathroom. When you're done, you flush. You don't leave it there. You don't want to have to stare at it again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And the same is true about cleaning up today's mess so you can start tomorrow fresh. Because why would you leave today's mess for you to clean up tomorrow morning? See, there's a huge difference when you wake up and you walk into the kitchen area and it's clean. There's a huge difference when you walk into the place where your sink is and there's nothing in it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It's the difference between waking up fresh and feeling behind because you got all this stuff all over the kitchen counter. You got all this stuff lying on the floor. You got all this stuff spread out all over the place. You got all this stuff piled up in the sink. How does that make you feel? It makes me feel like I'm behind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It makes me feel like I got stuff that I need to do that I should have done yesterday that's now sitting here staring at me right in the face first thing in the morning. And so when I just do step two, and again, this is kind of that thing where You got like 15 minutes before it's your bedtime and now it's time to just clean up today's mess so you can start tomorrow fresh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
What does that look like? It takes five minutes. Like I'm not talking about doing a deep clean. I'm talking about just cleaning up the mess. Why? So when you wake up tomorrow, it's fresh, you're calm, you're in control. You got nothing you got to do, but just step into the day. And so here's what I do. It takes less than five minutes. And what I love about this is I do this on autopilot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like, so I've worked a full day. I don't want to do anything. I've made dinner. I've fed the dogs. I've done a little laundry. I've collapsed on the couch. Maybe I've clicked through channels. Maybe I've scrolled a little bit. All of a sudden, I'm like, oh my gosh, it's getting close to my bedtime. Time to clean up today's mess.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
So I first walk through the kitchen and I get everything out of the sink. I literally load the dishwasher. I wash out the pots. I clear off the counters. If the trash is full, I take out the trash and walk it into the garage.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
If there's things that are not where they belong, like somebody has hung their jacket on the chairs around the island, I pick up the jacket, I walk it and put it on the hook. I plug in my laptop. If I've got things that I need to remember for work, I stack them in a little pile and I put them on the countertop. That's all that I'm talking about. That's it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
For you, it might mean that pile of clothes that are in the corner of the bedroom, put them in a laundry basket instead of letting them lay there. You know, the other night I got home from a trip and I'd opened up my suitcase, but I hadn't unpacked it. Do you know what clean up today's mess meant? It didn't mean unpack everything and start laundry.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I literally folded my suitcase back up and stuck it in my closet. Clean up the mess. Because when I wake up in the morning, the first thing that I see is not the open suitcase and something that I needed to do that I should have done yesterday.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And there's something really incredible that happens when you just have no energy and you're starting to wind down and you just kind of make a pass like a Zamboni through the kitchen and just kind of clear off the counters, you hang up the coats and you get everything out of the sink. And why does this work?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And I wanted to take a moment and acknowledge that if you're a new listener, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so glad that you are here. And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, I'm I know that you're the type of person who values your time. You want to make the most of your evenings. You know you need to get a good night's sleep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Multiple studies show that living in a messy environment, it actually raises your stress level because you see things that aren't done. And when you wake up to yesterday's mess, it drains all of your energy for today before you even get into your day. And so the first decisions that you're making in the morning are, should I do the dishes that I left for last night? Should I hang up the cut?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You could have mindlessly done those as part of your wind down routine. And see, doing it at night, it actually takes less effort. Why? Well, you already have no gas left in the tank. So you're not gonna be a perfectionist about this. You're not gonna turn like changing things around into some big project where you're now organizing kitchen drawers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You're just gonna take the scissors and stick them in the drawer. Instead of taking the scissors first thing in the morning and be like, oh my gosh, this door is a mess. Now I should be organizing this thing. And next thing you know, you're like running even later because you took on something more in the morning when you had more energy. Don't do it. Don't do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
In fact, we were talking as a team about this and one of our team members was like, oh my gosh, I have so gotten into a habit of leaving the dishes at night for me to do in the morning. And every time at night, I'm like, I'll do it in the morning. Why? Decision fatigue.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
We know you procrastinate, you're impulsive, and you avoid things when you have decision fatigue, which we all do at the end of the day. But what happens when you wake up and you've gotten up and you're ready to start your day and you walk in the kitchen and there is a disgusting pan that is full of soapy, leftover chili that you have filled last night with hot water and soap
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
thinking, oh, I'll just let it soak all overnight and it'll be easier. There is nothing easy about plunging your hands first thing in the morning into a greasy, cold, chunky pot that has been soaking all night and now it's waiting for you like a dish hangover for you to deal with and this is how you're starting your day? Don't do it. And look, again, I'm not trying to blame you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
This isn't about like becoming an ultra marathoner and like killing your goals. This is literally the world's already beaten you down. You got enough to deal with. And so while you're already exhausted, while you're starting to wind down, while you're starting to turn off the lights and close the doors and all this stuff, literally like just clear off the counters. Just clean up today's mess.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Do you see how this works? that you can just, boom, do yourself a little favor while you're tired, you're kind of zombying your way to bed, all good. And when you clean up today's mess so you can start tomorrow fresh, five minutes. And it's a gift you can give to yourself. All right, let's talk about number three, okay? Number three, I love this, is make tomorrow easier. Like set yourself up
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
by making tomorrow easier. Because what's the hardest part about having a good morning routine? Again, it's all the decisions that you have to make. Am I gonna exercise? How do I feel? Am I getting out of bed? Am I not? Am I drinking water? Am I drinking coffee? Am I getting sunlight in my eyes? What am I doing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I am finding myself spending more time than ever just scrolling through my phone, flipping through the channels. And the next thing you know, I've stayed up three hours later than I wanted to. Turns out it has a name. Maybe you've even heard of it. It's called revenge bedtime procrastination.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And so one of my favorite things to do after I've cleaned up today's mess is how can I make tomorrow morning easier? How can I set myself up tonight? Just in simple ways. I'm not talking about anything complicated here. Again, you and I are doing these steps with zero gas in the tank. We are doing these steps on autopilot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You deserve to, and you're looking for simple ways to make that a reality. And boy, oh boy, have you picked a winner. And I also want you to know something, that you are spending your days right now giving so much of yourself to everyone else.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
We are doing these steps because we know these simple things are a way to take care of ourselves when the world is wearing us down. And so there are simple things that I do when I'm literally half asleep walking to bed. Number one, I always pull out my workout clothes and I just lay them right on the floor. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Well, because it's easy when you're exhausted and you're already in your bedroom to just pull open the door and be like, okay, tights and a tank top and a jog bra. And okay, I'm going to go for a walk. So let me throw the sweatshirt on. Boom, I'm done. No thinking about it. No considering how I feel about it. Nothing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Another thing that I do, super simple, as I'm clearing off the counters, a way that I make my mornings easier is I fill up a water bottle or I fill up one of my handy little mason jars and I fill it up with water and I always pour in this electrolyte mix by this company, Element. I know you're gonna ask. They're one of our sponsors. They did not pay me to say that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I actually use the watermelon flavor. pour it into my water. It's got like magnesium and salt and potassium. And you know what I do with it? I stick it in front of the coffee maker. Why? Oh, well, I've just made my morning so much easier because when I get up and I go through my morning routine and I eventually walk out into the kitchen, first of all, kitchen's clean. So I got no mess to clear up.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Thank you, Mel Robbins. My morning just got better. And then I walk over to the coffee maker because I want a cup of coffee, but then boom, I've set up my water. Now it's easy to drink water before coffee. It took me no time. Like I'm literally doing it sleepwalking at night. Thank you, Mel Robbins last night. What else do I do at times? I'll pack up my lunch.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I will prep a little bit of breakfast or at least look in there and be like, okay, there's no eggs. Oh, I could do yogurt. Okay, got it. Another thing you could do, put your keys in the same place. Pack up your backpack and put it on the counter. Set out the forms that the kids need. Why are you doing this?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Well, because anything that you do tonight that could make tomorrow morning easier is a gift that you're giving to yourself. And so these simple things that if you are half asleep and you're organizing your work stuff and just collecting it on the island, boom, there you go. How much easier did you just make the morning?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Now in the morning, you don't have to search for stuff and you just kind of did it half asleep. And this works because of what we've been talking about, this idea of all of the decisions that you have to make all day long.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
to your work, to your family, to the responsibilities that you have, to the constant stream of emails that are coming in, the texts, the demands of life that are pulling you in every single direction, that by the time the day is done, I know how you feel because I feel the same way. You are wiped out. The tank of gas in your brain, it is on empty.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And so if you're literally zero gas in the tank and you're already gonna turn off the lights and you're already gonna put the dogs in the mudroom or in their crates, or you're already gonna turn down the heat, or you're already going to be kind of going through that, okay, turn off this light and do that, like the wind down so that you are now ending the day,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
As part of that, just do a few things that set you up for success. I mean, that's the coolest thing. One of the things my husband does that I've noticed recently is he drinks a smoothie in the morning before he works out. He now makes like a triple batch and then he'll pour a bunch of it into mason jars and then he puts it in the freezer.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And then in the morning, he just pulls one out of the freezer and sticks it in the microwave for a minute. And now he's got like this soupy, yummy pre-made protein thing. I mean, talk about making your life easier. And here's the other thing. All of these small little things that you're doing, and I love the one about laying out your clothes on the floor, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It removes a decision you have to make in the morning. It removes any friction, right? that your feelings create. I don't feel like doing it. I'm too tired. Well, there are the clothes, just put them on. And that makes these new habits easier to stick to because you really don't have to think about it because you've just made it obvious and easier because it's staring at you right there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Another big trick for me that's really helped with making sure that I exercise every day is I pick what I'm going to do the day before for exercise. So for example, if I'm going to walk, I know I'm going to walk. If I'm going to stream an exercise class, which is what I did this morning, I've actually picked the exercise class and I text it to me. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Or I put it in my calendar because then in the morning, I don't have to make a decision. The clothes are on the floor, just staring at me. Like, what are you going to do? Step over me and ignore the fact that you're supposed to exercise? No, I'm going to put it on even though I don't feel like it. And then instead of walking into the kitchen and going, okay, well, what am I going to do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I've already made the decision. I've texted myself the link to the class and that makes it easier to get done. Do you see how genius this is? And here's the thing I love about this so much is that because I'm tired at night, I don't overthink these things. I just kind of mindlessly check the box.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like, do you ever, as you're standing at your door, question whether or not you should lock it or turn on the alarm? Of course not. Like, it doesn't matter how tired you are. You always turn off the lights and you always lock the door. Like, it's part of your routine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And picking a bedtime and cleaning up today's mess so tomorrow you can start fresh and just making little things easier in the morning, this is so mindless. It's awesome. And I also want to thank you in advance for sharing this episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
with anyone in your life that you care about that is struggling with this revenge bedtime procrastination and needs to be reminded of how important it is to create a simple evening routine that takes your sanity and your power back. Alrighty, stay with me. The final two steps to this routine are coming up next. Welcome back. It's your buddy, Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And today you and I are walking through the five simple steps of my evening routine. This is something that I do whenever I catch myself succumbing to decision fatigue and wasting time on my phone or flipping through channels. We've already covered the first three steps of this, which are pick your bedtime. It's clean up today's mess so you start tomorrow fresh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And number three, number three, I absolutely love. Number three is make tomorrow easier. That's right. You heard me. As you're exhausted, as you're on autopilot, as you're starting to wind down toward bed and you're turning the locks and you're turning off the lights and you're shutting down the house, you're going to also find small ways to make tomorrow morning easier. It really does feel good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And today you and I are going to do something about it. So I want to applaud the fact that you're making time to listen to something that's going to help your life be a little bit better. And I want to also point out something kind of cool. If somebody forwarded this to you and told you you should listen to this episode, you want to know what's cool about that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And that brings me to step four. And this, this part's like amazing. You're just going to take five minutes for yourself. That's it. Five minutes for you. Like you already gave your day to everybody else. You already gave time to social media. You already took care of everybody in your family.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You already responded to the texts and you wrote the emails and you sat in the meetings and you did your work. You already took care of the dogs and the cat. You already took care of people at work. If you have a job where you're taking care of people, you've already poured energy into everybody else's stuff. You've already wasted time, like just mindlessly watching things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
How about before you climb into bed, instead of constantly giving more, more of your attention, more of your energy to your phone or to the TV or to somebody's drama, what if you turned back to yourself? What if you gave yourself something that you haven't had all day, which is just time? I mean, really stop and think about this. Because I'm sure your life feels a lot like mine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like when you wake up in the morning, that's a moment of peace and power. And you're in control of what you're thinking about and your attention in the morning for whatever period of time that you have until you look at the phone or you look at the TV.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like you control those first five to 20 minutes first thing in the morning, but the second you give it to your phone or to a TV, you literally just turned everything that you got, your brain, your attention, your heart, your energy to the world. And you're not going to get it back until this moment, right here, right now, every evening. And I say you deserve at least 15 minutes of time back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
This is time you could read a book. This is time you could roll out a yoga mat and do a quick stretch. This is time where you could meditate. You could journal. You could just, after you've turned off the lights and you've kind of cleaned up the mess so you can start tomorrow fresh and you've made a few things a little bit easier, you could just sit in gratitude that you did that for yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You could ask yourself what went well today. That's a prompt that we learned from the amazing expert on brain and brain health, Dr. Daniel Amen. One of the things that I love to do in these five minutes is I run a bath.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It means that you have somebody in your life that's looking out for you, that cares about you, that wants you to feel better. And I just think that's so cool. And so thank you again for being here. Thank you for taking time to listen to this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like when I start that wind down, I turn the bath on and then I go and I clean up the mess in the kitchen and I start to wind down the house and lock the doors and turn on the alarm and put the dogs in the mud room and all that stuff. while the bath is running. And all the while I'm making things easier. This takes me five, 10 minutes tops. And by the time I get in my bedroom, the bath is drawn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
These are my five minutes. Some nights I'll make a cup of tea and I'll put a scoop of magnesium in it, cup of mint tea, magnesium. I love this time. And here's one thing that I've noticed. If I have succumbed to decision fatigue and I have engaged in revenge bedtime procrastination and I have avoided going to bed because I feel like I deserve time, do you know what I don't do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I don't take time for myself. Like it's a lie to believe that scrolling mindlessly is actually time for you. It's a lie that you tell yourself that slumping on the couch and having a phone in your hand while you're flipping and watching trailers is somehow time for you. No, that's more time that you're giving your attention to other things. These five minutes are about turning back time
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
to yourself. And here's what I've noticed is that when you start to just reflexively make time for yourself, whether you're going to run a bath or make a cup of tea, or you're going to journal at night, or you're going to have a book that you read, you know what you're less likely to do? You're less likely to be turning your attention to your phone or binge watching TV.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And I'm really excited to share everything with you because I know it's going to resonate because I'm struggling with this issue too, which is it's time for you and me to reclaim our evenings. And I'm going to teach you this simple five-step evening routine that never fails me. Whenever I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or weary, these five steps, these are the basics.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
The other thing that happens when you turn to yourself, this is what Dr. Rebecca Robbins calls a wind down routine, is now you're slowing yourself down and you're activating what's called your parasympathetic nervous system.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You're basically signaling to your body, okay, just like we're turning off the lights and we're locking the door and we're clearing off the counters and we're emptying out the sink and we're doing some simple things to make my day go better tomorrow, to take care of myself,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
All of those actions signal, hey body, hey mind, hey nervous system, you don't have to be in a state of fight or flight right now. You don't have to be on edge. You don't have to be bracing or escaping. It's safe. We're going to rest now. Like this whole little routine, which you can do on autopilot, exhausted, with zero gas in the tank, is also a way to signal to your body that, wow,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I do deserve rest. I do deserve this quiet. Not everything in my life has to be so stimulating. In fact, I don't want it to be. And you want to know something cool that happens over time? That five minutes that you spend soaking in a bath becomes 10. And then it becomes 20 minutes because you've made a cup of tea ahead of time. And then suddenly you've also bought a good book.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And now instead of looking at your phone, you've read a little, you've made your tea. You're now part of your wind down routine as you're cleaning up today's messes to set yourself up for tomorrow. And you're making things easier. And you're now turning back to yourself like your whole evening. And are you getting this? Is actually you turning back to yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It is you saying to yourself with every small little move that you make in this tiny little five-step routine, I matter. My rest matters. Sleep matters. Feeling good matters. And I've already given enough of myself to the world. No more. No more. I'm going to give myself that time because I deserve it. And you're going to feel different.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like literally just doing this routine once and I'm done with the procrastination at night. You're going to feel so empowered. And so that brings me to step number five. And this is the final step. I want you to tuck your phone in before you tuck yourself in. Okay? I could spend an entire episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
In fact, we could do dozens and dozens and dozens of conversations about the phone and how it's impacting your sleep. But I'm not going to go all science on you. I'm going to appeal to your wisdom, to what you know to be true. And I am going to appeal to your better nature and your ability to truly take care of yourself. And so here's the thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You wouldn't let your toddler sleep with an iPad in their bed. At least I hope you wouldn't. Why wouldn't you do that? Well, I think we all know that a toddler wouldn't be able to help themselves, right? They'd be checking it. Well, we're all a toddler when it comes to the phone. And so you can't let yourself sleep with your phone. Like this is a massive game changer.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And the reason why I'm gonna say it needs to be a step in your routine is because just remember, you are also at the end of the day struggling with decision fatigue. That means you are already more impulsive, You're already wired to avoid doing what you need to do. You already are struggling with indecision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
This is why every one of us climbs in the bed and we're like, ah, I shouldn't look at my phone. And then boom, you are indecisive about it. So you look at your phone. You know you should put it away, but you avoid putting it away. You have decision fatigue. This is not your fault, which is why you need to tuck your phone in before you tuck yourself in. And for me, what does this mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
This is the foundation for creating an evening routine that really takes care of you. It sets you up to have a great day in the morning. And most importantly, what I love about this particular five-step evening routine is, first of all, it's so simple. Second, this has nothing to do with productivity. You know, I don't know about you, but I don't feel right now like, ooh, let's attack the goals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It means I tuck my phone into the bathroom. I cannot have it next to me. I can't. I'm too impulsive. I am prone to procrastinating. I will avoid doing what's right for me. If I were an alcoholic, I would not have a Manhattan next to me at bed. If I had a cocaine problem, I would not have an eight ball sitting right there. And I know myself and I know you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And at this moment, you are peak decision fatigue. And if you actually care about yourself, You will tuck your phone in before you tuck yourself in. And for me, that meant learning how to plug that thing into the bathroom, even though it felt like I was going through massive withdrawal and something terrible was going to happen. And what if this and what if that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
This is the single biggest game changer when it comes to your evenings.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And your ability to sleep and your ability to wake up tomorrow and have the day actually work for you and to have a fighting chance that you're going to make decisions that empower you first thing in the morning instead of yet again, turning your most precious asset, which is your attention and your energy to the phone and to the world around you. Like they get it all day long.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
That's why we have to have boundaries between the world and actually ourselves and what's good for us. And so I plug mine into the bathroom because A, I can't reach for it in bed. B, I set my alarm on the phone. And that means when the alarm rings, I'm not laying in bed and rotting in bed and avoiding getting out of bed. I'm getting up to go turn the alarm off on the phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And number three, there's so much research around this. Aside just from what we're talking about with decision fatigue and you being more prone to impulsivity and more prone to avoid going to bed and getting the sleep that you need because you feel like you deserve time to hang out. The time to hang out is not at night when you need sleep. And there's other reasons why this matters.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I mean, and you've heard all of this. The blue light from your phone, it suppresses melatonin. The notifications, the doom scrolling, the lights that come up, it keeps your brain active because your brain is waiting for another notification. It's looking for it, which what? Makes it harder to fall asleep. And even just having your phone near you affects the quality of your sleep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I mean, the science around this is bananas. The light at night is part of the reason why so many of you don't get enough sleep. Researchers have actually linked shortened sleep cycles to increased risk for depression, as well as diabetes, cardiovascular problems. This is research that was published in Harvard Health Publishing. I mean, here's the bottom line.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I want you to find a new bed to tuck your phone into, and it can't be your bedside table. Charge it in the kitchen, charge it in the bathroom, charge it across the room from you, or charge it where my husband charges his phone, in the closet at night with the door closed. Because that will give you the chance to get the sleep you deserve.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And again, I want you to embrace the truth of where we started, okay? The fact is you and I live in a moment in time where the world is engineered and designed on purpose to seal your time, your energy, and your attention. All day long, you are giving yourself to work, to people you care about, to your kids, to your friends, to your classmates, to your teachers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You are pouring your brain into solving projects, to answering texts, to responding to emails. Like it's unbelievable how much you do in a day. Unbelievable. And I want you to give yourself credit for that. And I also want you to understand that when you come home and you're tired and you're exhausted and you just want to collapse and quote, not think, this is normal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
That's exactly how you should feel in a world where you're working very hard and you're giving it your all and you're trying to show up. And you're doing a great job, by the way. You are doing a great job giving it all to the world. And I want to remind you that you deserve that attention and that effort back to yourself. And even though I get it, like it is so easy to doom scroll.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like I feel like life is so overwhelming and the headlines are so depressing and everybody's got so much going on and there's so much information coming at us that by the time I get home and my God, I have unpacked my backpack and I have put away the groceries and I've cooked dinner. I'm exhausted. Like, I feel like I've given everything that I had to give to everyone else.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It is so tempting to collapse on the couch and just be impulsive and avoidant and make decisions that really kind of screw yourself over. I'm here to tell you, you deserve more and nobody's going to change this for you. In fact, it's just going to get worse, honestly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
The more the headlines are scary, the more you have problems in your life, the more overwhelmed you are at work, the worse it gets at night in terms of staying up too late and avoiding going to bed and continuing to look at your phone or TV. The worse it's going to get. And you now know why. Oh, wait a minute. I'm not an idiot. I am struggling with decision fatigue. Oh, wait a minute.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I've already poured everything into everybody else. So I do have to claw back this time, both at night and first thing in the morning. This makes a lot of sense. Oh, wait a minute. The second that I look at my phone or I turn on the TV, I've now put the phone and the TV and everything on it in front of my sanity and my rest and my peace. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah, this makes a lot of sense.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And so now that you know what's at play and you know that there is a situation that is beyond your, it's not your fault. This is just the way life is right now. But more importantly, when you accept that reality, you now get to choose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You get to choose whether or not you're going to succumb to the pressures and the programming of the modern world, or if you're going to take your evenings and your sanity back. And the way that I've done it, and the way that I keep coming back to it, and the way that you're going to do it tonight, it's very simple. Right now, pick your bedtime. You're going to work backward from the wake-up time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Is it 6 a.m.? Is it 7 a.m.? Is it 8 a.m.? When do you want to get up? Then let's work backward and you need nine hours in bed in order to get eight hours of sleep. I love this. And it is going to be earlier than you think it is. For me, it is 9 p.m. Eastern because I have a great morning if I get up at 6 a.m.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And that means I got to basically be hitting the bed around nine to ensure that I get eight hours of sleep. Second thing that you're going to do, and I love this because again, you do this when you're tired. You do this, this is part of the lock the door, turn off the lights and start to wind down the day. You're just going to clean up today's messes so you can start tomorrow fresh.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
This is not a deep clean. This is literally bare minimum, people. We're throwing the scissors in the drawer and We are putting the backpacks by the door. We're hanging up the coats. We are getting rid of the dishes in the sink and either washing them or sticking them in the dish. We're clearing off the counter. That's all you're doing. So you get to wake up fresh tomorrow. How cool is that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
As you're doing that, find small ways to set yourself up for success tomorrow by making whatever you need to do in the morning easier. Consolidate your stuff for work. Put your keys right on top. Pack your lunch. You can do that mindlessly. Throw your exercise clothes on the floor. Find the dog leash and the dog baths. You're literally half asleep while you're doing this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
That's why this is so cool because that means you don't actually have to exert any energy tomorrow. You've just made things easier. If you love a cup of coffee, first thing, grind the coffee, have the coffee maker ready to go. If you got a timer on it, set the timer. Boom, you just made the morning easy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You removed one more decision and you reserved your brain power in the morning for something more important. Now, the fourth step, five minutes for you. Acknowledge the fact that you gave it all as best you could to everybody else today. And now, as you are winding down the day, make part of your wind-down routine five minutes for you. That's it. A bath, cup of tea, journal.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Simply, as you're getting undressed, ask yourself, what went well today? Just something that's for you. Stretch. Could be reading a book to your kids before they go to bed. You know, you're kind of just being present with them, snuggling. Five minutes for you. For me, it's a bath. Always a bath, always a bath, always a bath.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And now I've made it to the end of the day. It's seven or eight o'clock. I can't believe I'm still standing. And now I don't want to do anything. But here's the problem. The things that you do in the evening actually set you up to have a great day tomorrow or to wake up feeling even more exhausted, more overwhelmed, and more weary. And here's why I wanted to talk about this right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And then finally, the fifth step in this incredibly simple evening routine for when the world just makes you feel weary and overwhelmed and tired. Tuck your phone in before you tuck yourself in. This is gonna be the hardest one. And I get it. And here's one final thing. If you're somebody that's worried about your kids or work being able to reach you, no problem. Just text everybody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
In fact, you could share this episode with them and say, hey, I just listened to this thing and I am going to try getting a better night's sleep. I'm going to try this evening routine. And because of what I've just learned, I want you to know something. If you have an emergency, you can still reach me in the middle of the night. Just call me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Don't text me because I'm going to be tucking my phone into the bathroom so I won't be reading the text till the morning. But if you actually need me, call me and I'll leave the ringer on. Boom. Notifications off, ringer on. Then you can tuck your phone in knowing that if somebody needs you, they'll call you. And you, my friend, can tuck yourself in and actually get the sleep you deserve.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
How cool is that? How cool is that? I'm really excited for you. I'm really excited to see how you use this. I'm excited to see how this shifts something in you. My main desire in talking through this with you is not to make anybody wrong. Certainly not to make myself wrong. I know I'm working really hard right now and I just noticed, wow, I'm sort of in this slump at night.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And it's time to remind myself of what I know to be true. And I thought since I'm really been struggling with this and I needed this reminder, I just figured you probably needed this reminder too and so do the people that you love. So I wanna thank you for being here with me. I wanna thank you for choosing to listen to something that will really help you take your evenings and your sanity back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
One five little step routine, one night at a time. This works. You can do it and you deserve, you deserve to have your evenings. You deserve to wake up and feel refreshed and to feel like you don't have to do a million things because you've done these five simple things. And I promise you, you try it for a couple nights and you're gonna feel like a whole new you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
In fact, I think you're gonna feel like yourself again. Alrighty, in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you. And what does that mean? That means love for me is two things. It's just simply admiring something in someone and consideration, having them in mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And so I say I love you because I admire the fact that even when you don't have time, you're finding time to listen to a podcast or to watch it on YouTube that could actually help you create a better life. And I admire that about you. And I always have you in mind when I'm thinking about what we're going to talk about, because I want to make sure that this is worth your time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And I know the conversation today is. And so I love you for that. And I believe in you and I believe in your ability to take these five steps and try them out for a couple nights. and see how it changes how you feel, it changes how you sleep, and it changes how you wake up, and that, my friend, is going to change your life. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I'll be there to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. Now, this is an evening routine. Hold on a second. Let me get up. That sounds kind of early, doesn't it? Of course it does. Is it Chris? Like, who's here? Are you hearing it, Jessie? Is it today to tomorrow? Oh, okay, gotcha. Is this good? Am I too long-winded? Tell them to be careful, I'm going down.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Unless your rent is $75. No, it's not. Where are you living? Let's really get down to press tax here. Because I bought it from the Christmas workshop in the back where all the ladies make of my hand. Okay. Like when... Do you? Great. Let me, Chris just got in. So I think I might need a second before the beeps and the honks and the walk-in and the grush of truly picking your bedtime. Oh God.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
First of all, I'm struggling with this. I've noticed this pattern in me where I'm scrolling on my phone at night and I know better and so do you. I'm sitting there flipping through the channels and next thing you know, two hours goes by and I haven't even watched a show and you've experienced this too. Why is this happening right now?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Hold on a second. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher. This segment is sponsored by Celebrity Cruises.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
With nearly 300 destinations across seven continents, you can swap the everyday for exploring European cities, spotting wildlife in Alaska, or relaxing on white sand Caribbean beaches. Plus, with beautiful accommodations, incredible food, and top tier entertainment, the vacation, it starts the moment you step on board. Celebrity Cruises has it all.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It's this phenomenon where you want to get a good night's sleep, but then you make a decision to get less sleep in order to regain personal time. But you're doing nothing with the time. And the experts are saying this is an epidemic. that you and I are choosing to scroll and we're choosing to stay up later than we want to, doing nothing. And here's the thing, I know better, you know better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
No matter how long you're out at sea, you'll have something fun to look forward to. What a great way to break out of your routine. And listen, I love a good routine. I mean, obviously I love a good routine because you and I just spent 50 minutes talking all about the simple things you can do as an evening routine to help you wind down the night and get the rest that you deserve.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
But here's the catch. You got to be careful and intentional about your routines. Because if you're not paying attention, your whole life can start to blur into one blob. One day blends into the next, and then the week blends into the next. That's not a routine. That's not even a life. That means you've now slipped into a place that I've been before, which is autopilot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
See, adding spice to your life and variety and excitement, this isn't a luxury. It's a necessity, a necessity that you deserve. When's the last time you stepped out of or just shook up your boring day-to-day routine? When's the last time you took a different route home from work or you ordered something different off the menu? Shake it up. And you want to know how to add even more spice?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Break that routine with someone you love. There's literally a neuroscientist who came on this show and said, if you feel like roommates with your partner, the reason why is you're in too much of a routine. Same meals, same thing every day, every week. No wonder you feel like roommates. Shaking things up has so many benefits. For one, it brings back the excitement.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Why is it that we live in this moment of time where you know you need to get a good night's sleep? You know that you don't want to waste your entire evening scrolling on your phone. You know that you don't want to stay up past midnight or past 11 p.m. and then screw yourself over because you don't actually get in bed in time to get a good night's sleep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
We could all use a little of that. Remember that spark you had in the beginning? The one where everything felt so exciting? That wasn't just chemistry, it was newness. See, trying new things together brings back the same sense of adventure. This comes from research by Amy Muse at York University. This was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Shows the couples who do new things together have higher levels of satisfaction and passion in their relationships. That's available to you. You want to know what else happens when you break out of your routine with someone else? You strengthen your bond.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Science also backs this up because when you experience new things together with somebody that you care about, you feel closer because you associate those new exciting emotions with one another. In fact, I just experienced this with my husband. I surprised him and signed up for this like owl experience thing where we got to meet owls and fly owls. It was super cool.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And now I associate Chris with that experience and of course with owls. Now think about it. When you try something new, you're creating memories instead of just running through the motions. And you want to know another thing that happens? You laugh more. Is there anything better than an all-out laughing fit with someone you love? I don't think so.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
According to a study by Doris Bazzini of Appalachian State University, this was published in the Journal of Motivation and Emotion, when do you laugh the most?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
When you're caught off guard, being playful, stepping outside your comfort zone, doing something unexpected, whether it's trying a new recipe together, going to a show, taking an improv class, planning an unexpected trip, kind of shakes things up, makes life more fun. Don't you want more of that for yourself? Of course you do. And you know what? As your friend, I want that for you too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And I also want to remind you, you deserve it. And you know what it takes to break free of the boring, ordinary routine? It just takes the decision to do so. Now, before we wrap this up, I just want to give a huge shout out to Celebrity Cruises for sponsoring this segment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
If you or your favorite person are craving something different, something elevated, exciting, and unforgettable, Celebrity Cruises is where it's at. You get the intimacy of a smaller ship, but with all the variety and entertainment of a big one. Incredible accommodations, world-class dining, and nonstop entertainment. It is all there to break up your routine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Learn more at CelebrityCruises.com, Ships Registry, Malta, and Ecuador.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
So if we know that what's good for us is winding down and taking care of ourselves and getting into bed at a reasonable hour, why are we doing it? Well, there's a really interesting explanation for why so many of us are getting less sleep and we're wasting our evenings doing nothing. And it has to do with something called decision fatigue. See, you and I are making decisions all day long.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
In fact, I have this really interesting article that I found as I was researching our conversation today. It was an article that was published by the American Medical Association. And in it, you can hear me flipping through the pages. The reporter is interviewing Dr. Lisa McLean, who is a psychiatrist and the chief wellness officer at Henry Ford Health System in Michigan.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Now, this is an entire article about something called decision fatigue. And the reason why I want to unpack this is because I want to give you some credit. Do you know how much you're doing all day?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I don't even think you understand how you're showing up for everybody else, how you're doing a great job at work, how you're answering the emails, how you're returning the texts, how you're making decisions all day long. And decision fatigue, according to Dr. McClain and all of this research that she's citing, is a very real thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It's the idea, quote, that after making many decisions, your ability to make more and more decisions over the course of the day becomes worse. The more decisions you have to make, the more fatigue you develop and the more difficult it can become. And she goes on to write, because I don't think you've stopped to consider just how many decisions you make every single day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Well, the researchers have figured it out. Here's what Dr. McLean has to say. By the time the average person goes to bed, that's you and me, you've made over 35,000 decisions. I mean, just even trying to embrace that number is exhausting. 35,000 decisions? Mm-hmm. And if you're sitting there going, I don't. Like 35,000 decisions in a day? Well, just stop and think about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Everything from what do you wear to when are you leaving for work to picking up your toothbrush to whether or not you make the left turn or the right turn or you hit the brakes or you read the book or you don't, you answer the text, like all day long. You are making decisions, which means all day long, if you think about a human being, I think about it this way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I think about you and I having a gas tank, right? And so you wake up in the morning, and this is so elementary, but this is how I try to process this for myself. When you wake up in the morning, you've got a full tank of gas.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And all day long, every single decision that you're making, all the effort that you're exerting, all the caretaking, all the consideration, all the talking, all the thinking, every time you make a little decision or you put in a little effort, guess what? You're just slowly draining that tank of energy. And what's the result?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Well, by the time you get home and you've taken care of everybody else, you're exhausted completely. The fuel tank is near empty. And if you're anything like me, what do you want to do? Nothing. You want to do nothing. You've been doing something for your boss. You've been doing something for your professors.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
If you're in school, you've been doing something for your parents, for your kids, for your significant other. You've been doing things for your friends by texting back. You've taken care of work. You've taken care of bills. You've taken care of feeding the dogs or feeding the cat. Like it is going on and on. And aren't you just exhausted thinking about this? Of course you are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I mean, aren't you so mad at yourself when all of a sudden you look up and it's 12.37 and you're like, why am I still awake? And then of course, you wanna know the result of this? You get less sleep, you can't focus, you're exhausted, you're dragging yourself through the next day. And that's why I wanted to talk to you about this today. because you and I need to reclaim our evenings.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
So am I. And this is why I wanted to explain this. Because if this is what you're doing all day long, you're literally reading the news and then you're reading emails and then you're talking in a meeting and then you're driving from here to there and then you're thinking about your friends and you're exerting all this effort. No wonder that by the end of the night, all you want to do is nothing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
See, Dr. McLean says in this article that, quote, a person with decision fatigue, which you and I have, have you ever like at seven or eight o'clock at night just been like, I don't want to think anymore? I know I've said that. Like, you just literally put your phone, I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to have to fold laundry. I can do it tomorrow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Well, according to Dr. McLean, check this out. This is decision fatigue. You're tapped out because of everything you've already done. We're not giving ourselves credit for that, of course. We're just feeling exhausted. She says a person with decision fatigue may feel tired, have brain fog, or experience other signs and symptoms of physical or mental fatigue.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And the phenomenon is cumulative so that as the person makes more decisions throughout the day, guess what? You feel worse or you might be more drained as the day progresses.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I feel like I've had nothing but a string of days recently where by the time I'm finishing my last meeting at work, I feel like I am army crawling through the end of one of those Spartan marathon races through the mud up a mountain where they're like electrocuting you at the very end as you're crawling underneath all these barriers. I know that you feel the same way and it gets even deeper.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
There are actually four main symptoms, medically speaking, that show that you have decision fatigue. You ready? Because you're about to go, me, me, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Number one symptom that you are tapped out, no more decisions, procrastination. Yep. If you're putting off folding the laundry tonight and saying, I'm just too tired. I'm gonna do it tomorrow. There you go. Impulsivity. Yep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Like, for example, the fact that I popped off the couch last night, walked into the kitchen, stood in front of the open freezer. pulled out an ice cream carton and started eating from it with a spoon. Yep, that was last night. Avoidance. Avoidance, yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
I avoid anything that requires a decision, which is why I scroll like a mindless zombie idiot on my phone because that doesn't require me to do anything except for zone out. Are you saying same, same? And you want to know the fourth symptom? that medically speaking means you're struggling with decision fatigue, indecision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
How many times have you parked yourself on the couch and you've picked up the clicker And you literally spend an hour clicking through trailers, trying to find something online to watch. I mean, I will literally spend an hour watching trailers only to make no decision about what to watch.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
It's almost like looking at trailers online on Amazon Prime or on Netflix or Hulu or whatever it is that you like to watch online. That looking at trailers is the new way to doom scroll on social media, only you're doing it on TV. I know you're laughing because you do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Now, I just realized, oh boy, this revenge bedtime procrastination thing has crept up on me, which means it's time to go back to my simple five-step evening routine for how I fight this. These five steps are just how I reclaim my evenings. And by the way, there's a lot of science as to why you're gonna wanna try this five-step routine too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
Or do you do that thing where my husband has this notes app and he has been keeping track of movie recommendations from people for literally like four years. I guarantee you every other night he pulls it out as I'm flipping through trailers and he's like, well, let's take a look at the list. And we have read through the list 55,000 times and there is nothing on the list that I want to watch.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And now I know why. Because one of the symptoms of decision fatigue after a very long day, which you experience and I experience, is indecision. I can't decide what I want to watch because I have no freaking brain power left to make a decision. And this brings me to the fact that you and I are losing control of our evenings because of this decision fatigue.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And I want to take a giant highlighter and highlight it because if you don't know what you're up against, it will continue to win. And so understanding and giving yourself credit that your days are long. You got a lot on your plate. You are doing so much. You're doing a great job. You are pouring into everybody else.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
You are doing your best in what feels at times like an impossible workload and an overwhelming world. And then you come home and you want to know what? Holy cow. I don't blame you. You've made enough decisions. Where's the reward? Here's the problem. And this has been a problem for me for several weeks now, is that it's understandable to feel exhausted at the end of the day.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
And you deserve a pat on the back. And you should be saying to yourself, I did a great job today. I did my best. I showed up. And I want to say that in case you're not saying it to yourself. But when you reach this point where you have decision fatigue and medically speaking, you're like, I'm up against avoidance and indecision and impulsivity and procrastination. You know what that sounds like?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Get Back on Track: 5 Evening Habits to Wake Up Focused, Recharged, and in Control
That sounds like a recipe for disaster because here you've been focused all day long. You've been making the best decisions that you can. And now, now when you've got an evening all to yourself, now impulsivity, procrastination and indecision takes over and you screw yourself over. That's what I've been doing. See, this is what revenge bedtime procrastination is.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And if you don't know what the skill is that you need, whether it's communicating or impulse control or it is the ability to learn in the way that your brain is being asked to learn, these are all things that can be addressed. If you don't know what the skill is that's missing, you will continue to struggle.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And we live in a world where if you're struggling or you're presenting challenging behavior, we punish you.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Or you punish yourself.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Correct. And so the let them theory is the exact same thing because it is a skill to be able to identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. And it's a skill anybody can learn. And you need to learn it because human beings at our core, we have a fundamental hardwired need for control. It makes us feel safe.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
So if you really think about this, you need to feel in control of your decisions. You need to feel in control of your environment. You need to feel in control of what's going to happen in the future or at work today. And we also try to make ourselves feel safe by what? Controlling the people around us. And this is in all of us.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
i have this need to be in control you have this need to be in control this is why the parent-child relationship is so irritating right because you're the parent or you're the adult child and you have a need to be in control of yourself but your parent only feels safe if they're in control of you and that sets up a problem for every relationship that you're in
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Because if I can't control you, it makes me feel unsafe. But if I try to control you, Lewis, then you're going to feel annoyed. And what happens in the body, and I write about this in the book, because the first thing you're going to learn when you learn this skill of identifying what's not in your control and removing it as an obstacle in your life.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
that is in everybody's way, that is stealing your time, is stealing your energy, and you don't even realize it. And there's a totally different way to go through life. Your single most valuable resources are time and energy. Because where you spend your time and what you pour your energy into determines the quality of your life.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Because when you stop giving power to things that aren't in your control, guess what you get back? Time, energy, power, confidence, peace, joy. You realize you do have agency and that that power isn't over there, it's in here. And you have the exact same thing. And when you start to tap into that for yourself, it's just liberating.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And then you start to see the second thing that I write about in the book, which is that there are four ways you're screwing up your relationships because you're trying to control people. And any psychologist will tell you that
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
when you try to control something that you can't control it just creates stress and frustration for you and it creates tension and misunderstanding and distance in your relationships because if you have a need to control and i have a need to control right and i try to pressure you to do something lewis your brain is wired not to feel motivated but to actually resist the change I want you to make.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
No, no. And so it was fascinating also to see that for 54 years, I was actually operating the opposite of human wiring when it came to relationships.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Wow, really? Well, we all are. We all are.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Well, there's a balance with it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Of course. You can't just be, let them.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
They can stay up all night. Let them. No, no. Because this is a book about adult relationships. And we make a huge distinction, because when you're an adult and you have a child, Or you're a caregiver or a coach. No, you are a, well, there are certain things you need to let them do.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
But there are certain guardrails that are your responsibility. For example, a child cannot regulate their own emotions. Right. You have to, it's your responsibility to teach a child how to regulate their own emotions. And the problem is that no adults know how to do this.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Correct. Which is why another philosophy and rule in the Let Them Theory book is that from this point forward, go through life and see every adult is an eight year old in a big body. And when you do that, something fascinating happens. Instead of being scared of people, who are challenging or narcissistic or passive or immature, you actually can let them be and you feel compassion.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And what I started to notice very, very, very quickly, like within 24 hours, is that the reason why I didn't have a lot of time is because I was spending it getting worked up about stupid things. The reason why my energy was so drained is because I was allowing other people's behavior or things that were happening around me to actually drain my energy.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And you also realize it's not your job to make excuses for somebody who is immature. It's not your job to change somebody who has a narcissistic personality style. It's not your job to take away somebody's disappointment or sadness. You need to let them. And when you do it, it's the ultimate boundary because then you separate your emotions and energy from someone else.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And then you say the second part, which is let me. Let me double down on my values and let me see this person very clearly. Because if I see this person's immature behavior, and I visualize the eight-year-old version of them, what I realize is that this is a person who was just never taught the skill of understanding and managing their emotions in a responsible and healthy way.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And I can't teach them that.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It's honestly the same thing.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Okay, great. Excellent question.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Correct, but you're only allowing it if you see it happening and you make excuses for it and you stay. Yes. So if you let them reveal who they are. And so this is a very important point. You are not allowing people to abuse you.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
In fact, what the let them theory does is it helps you wake up perhaps for the first time and actually see somebody very clearly as they are and not make an excuse because people's behavior is the truth. People can say anything that they want, but if you watch their behavior, someone tells you exactly who they are and they tell you what their priorities are and where you fall in those priorities.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
So let them reveal who they are. And if you are in a situation with any human being and you let them be who they are, and they reveal to you that they are emotionally abusive, or narcissistic, or they don't call back, or they keep saying that they're gonna stop drinking and they don't, or they promise that they're not gonna raise their voice, but they do.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And saying let them became this lever I could pull any moment where I felt my time and attention.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Let them, because your power is not in trying to change them, because you can never change another human being. Human beings only change when they feel like it, And they are not going to change for you. People only change when they feel like changing for themselves. And so trying to make someone else change or wishing that they would change, that's not where your power is.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Don't put your time and energy there. Let someone reveal who they are. And then say the second part, which is let me. Let me remind myself that I always have power because I can leave any conversation. I can leave any interview. I can leave any date. I can leave any relationship. I can leave any dining room table. Any job. Any job. Anytime I choose.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And so, you know, I also say this knowing the research. I used to work at Domestic Violence Hotline. And when I was a public defender, we had a tremendous amount of training in crisis intervention. And I know you've covered this topic a lot and you understand trauma and have written about it extensively. And I say this in abusive relationships. This is a life-changing tool for you to say let them.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
getting sucked towards something that truly wasn't worth my time and energy or didn't matter or more importantly beyond my control and as you talk about all the time and as lots of people talk about it's not about what's happening it's about how you respond to it and the problem that i've always had with stoicism or letting it go or principles that are about being more peaceful and boundaries is that i never knew how to apply it like let's take the concept of let it go
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And here's why. On average, at least the research I saw last, it took a woman seven times of leaving to leave for good in a domestic. And here's why, I'll tell you why. The reason why is if you look at brain circuitry, And you look at all that research that scientists have done on addiction. And there's this famous study. I'm going to get completely wrong.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It's part of my brand to just like kind of miss some of the details, get the gist of it. So they put these poor rats in two different cages. And in one of the cages, they give the rats like all the sugar that they want or heroin or I don't even know what they were doing. And it's on tap. And of course, you're like tap, tap, tap. But then they kind of get a little like tired of it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
In this cage, they put the rats in with the same sugar or heroin or whatever, but they gave it to them randomly. So you would tap it once and get your hit, and then you'd go back and it's water. And then you hit it again, and then maybe it comes again. And then you hit it a couple more times and it's water, and then you hit it again. It's called intermittent rewards.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It is the exact same mechanism as pulling a slot machine.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Like sometimes you win and then you got to pull it 23 and then you win again. And it's that lack of predictability, which, by the way, is the exact same mechanism with social media. Because when you're scrolling, you know, for those of us that have been caught doom scrolling, this is not your fault. The algorithm is designed this way.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It's designed to feed you things that are like a dopamine hit, and then you get a bunch of boring crap. But if you ever noticed, as you start to talk to yourself, I got to go to bed. I really need to go to bed. And then you get one thing like, okay, and then you're on for another. It's intermittent reward.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And so in the cycle of an emotionally or physically or sexually abusive relationship, what happens is the relationship cycle is one where it's calm. And then the abuse. And then the apology. And then it's calm. And the fact that it's not always like it negatively the whole time makes you do what we all do when we're on social media. I know that I need to do something, but...
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Yes. Yeah. And so you.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Correct. And the world's leading experts. You've had Dr. Romani Diversa on a number of times here, leading expert in the world on narcissism. She has said that the single biggest problem in a narcissistic relationship, whether it's your mother or the person that you're dating or a brother or sister or friend, is the hope that they will change. Oh, God, it's so hard.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Likelihood is not.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
i think that you can hold out the belief that people can change and at the same time you can live in the reality of who they actually are right now yes and that's the power of letting them you're not letting them do anything to you you're letting them reveal exactly who they are through their behavior and for the first time you are not explaining it away and that is the biggest issue that people also face in dating
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
We're so terrified to be single, you know, and I get it like I I've been married a long time. I have two daughters that are one is single, the others in a relationship and the obsession. with not wanting to be the single friend.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Like how awesome it is to have plans on the weekend, like the fear that you have that you're not going to meet the one. And the problem is that we are so married to the fantasy that we chase the potential and you don't see the reality of the person that you're actually with.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And the explaining a way of behavior is the single biggest reason why you'll waste years of your life or months of your life with the wrong person. Because you're up here going, well, if they'd only lose some more weight or they'd be more motivated or they didn't watch golf all weekend or treated me nicer than maybe. No, this is exactly who this person is.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
YOU HAVE TO. THAT'S THE LET ME PART.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
I don't want to let it go. Why don't you? Well, I'll tell you why. It feels like I'm losing. When somebody says to you, Lewis, you just got to let it go, they're basically saying you lose, so stop worrying about it. That person won. You got to let it go.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Yes. That's exactly right, Lewis. And here's the cool part. No human being is perfect. Of course not.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
we can all learn skills yes and so whose responsibility is it to create the relationship that you deserve see i think it's your responsibility and the way that you do it is you allow someone you let them be who they are and then you come back to yourself and anything that's annoying you're frustrating you or that you're griping to your friends about whether it's work or it's a friendship or your parents or whatever that's the let me part yes
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
let me either stop about this, because that's the only way that you know how you accept it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Or let me sit down and be the emotionally mature one and make the request. So Chris has done this with me. So I'll play this out this way. So you're good friends with my husband, Chris, and you know Chris, he's like Mr. Men's Retreat, deaf doula, zen, amazing man. And if you go into our bathroom, Louis, Chris's counter.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It drives you crazy, doesn't it? Mine is just like Martha's. It looks like the CBS aisle tipped over on top of it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It drives Chris bananas. He has learned to let me. Now. Now I let her on her side. Correct. Correct. But when the brush comes onto your side, which I do too, because I walk over and I put it down and I walk back. So here's the thing, though, if it really starts to annoy you.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Yeah. You're not going to be able to control her. Right. You are starting to get annoyed. So now, you know, it is actually draining some energy. The power is not in controlling her. It's in your response. So you go to Chris comes to me and says, Mel, I love you. The real trigger for Chris is cardboard boxes. Oh, yeah, because what happens is they show up.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And then Chris is Mr. Slice them down, flatten them, stack them. Yes, stack them in the garage in a certain way. They got all stacked up. He likes to put one in boxes. I don't know. And he would ask me, when the boxes come and you enter them, please slice them. And I would do it some of the time. But most of the time what I do is I just stack them next to the door to the garage.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
I mean to come down at the end of the day. So Chris would come in and he'd see them and he has asked me multiple times. So of course it stresses him out and pisses him off and annoys him.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
But what he did is he sat me down because there's a big difference between what you intend and the impact it has in another person.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And I'm like, now spit it out, Louis.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
I said an assistant. There you go. It's true, though. But what he said to me was this. He said, every time I see those cardboard boxes there, it's like a giant middle finger to me.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Correct. You think I'm your maid. and i have asked about this and when he explained it that way what happened is it tapped into my intrinsic motivation because i value how he feels of course and when he communicated that way and he let me know now i am motivated to do it because i know why it matters And this is really important.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Well, it's a great question.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
When you communicate something to someone that it matters to you and they don't do it, you have to let them. And here's why.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It depends on the issue.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
But if I repeatedly then ignore it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Because that actually happened to me. So I had two things happen in my company, one where we had a contractor that literally stole our database and lied about a campaign that we thought we were paying for that was going on and it never actually happened and they presented fake data. Now, I have to let them because it happened and I didn't know until I discovered it too late.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Well, Chris has to choose.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
to either talk to me again, or if it's a big enough issue, Lewis, is this the right relationship?
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Do I want to be with somebody who I sit down and repeatedly share my feelings and my needs with, and then they do not do anything?
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And the behavior shows that I don't matter.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It's deeply personal.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And this is why it's important to understand where your control is, because what's ultimately going to happen is if you have an issue with somebody in your life, whether it's your parents or your boss or whatever, and you've addressed it in a very mature and loving way and nothing has changed, it's likely not going to. And then it comes back to you. Let me choose what to do next. Yes.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
What do I deserve? And if it's somebody who repeatedly, like let's take it to the context of dating, because this was an example that's kind of funny and relatable. Sure. But if you're in a relationship with somebody and you want to take it to the next level and they don't want to put a label on it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Is like, are those the table scraps you're going to take?
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
If they're sneaking out early in the morning, like some stray cat, is that actually, seriously, is that the love you deserve?
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How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
But you know what I'm saying?
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Because what we then do is we go up into our minds and we start explaining away the behavior.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Yes. And if only I can be closer to him. If only I can spend more time with him. Maybe if I learn how to play golf. Maybe if I like that now you're changing yourself. Changing yourself. Because you refuse to let the person reveal who they are.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
But there's a second part to this theory. Because, of course, I'm going to get upset and I'm going to be pissed off. But allowing myself to stay in that state of rage, what I know is it doesn't allow me to leverage this part of my brain to then respond. And that's the second part of this theory that I discovered, which is once you say let them, you detach from the thing you can't control.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Because the other thing that happened to me, Lewis, and I think I've shared this story with you before, is that I was also the victim of a big wire fraud scam, $350,000. A scam that's very common in the real estate business where somebody breaks into a server and just intercepts emails and then changes banking information.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
No kidding. But by the time I figured it out, the money was gone.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Gone. And the more upset that you get about something, the faster you lose your ability to think critically.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And so when you say let them, it's like allowing something without allowing it. It's recognizing that there is something that happened or there is a person in your life that's doing something that's pissing you off or annoying you or stressing you out or worrying you. But you have no control over that. And so yes, react.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
But at some point, you got to go let them because it helps you recognize and accept the reality and detach. It's already happened. And detach, most importantly, from what you can't control.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Let me. Let me choose what I'm going to do. And when you say, let me, you do something crazy powerful. First of all, you take responsibility. for how you're going to address this. And let's look at the word responsibility. It's the ability to respond. And when you say, let me, you are reminding yourself that in life, there are only three things, Lewis, you can control. Only three things.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Number one, you can control what you think next. Number two, you can control what you do or you don't do next and oftentimes doing nothing is way more powerful than doing something and number three you can control what you're going to do with the emotions that you feel and when you say let me in any situation You detach from the things you cannot control.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And you remind yourself that no matter what is happening around me or to me, I always have power. Because through my thoughts and through my actions and through the processing of my emotion, I can positively impact or change what's happening for the better. And if you allow yourself to constantly get stressed out or waste your time,
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
by managing what you will never be able to control, you will never see the power that you have. And so this gets back to the question that you asked, which is what is the single biggest thing that is in everybody's way? And the single biggest thing that is in everybody's way is the power you unknowingly give to other people. And there are four main ways that you're doing it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And it is blocking your ability to be happy. It is blocking your ability to make decisions that are aligned with what you want. It is blocking your ability to leverage your time for the things that you care about. It is keeping you from pursuing the things that you're capable of doing in your life. And it is also draining your time.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
I want to show you. What do you say?
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And the four big ways that you've turned other people into a problem Number one, you allow them to stress you out. Number two, you're so concerned about what everybody else thinks. It is a massive obstacle in your way because you consider it before you do anything. Number three, you navigate your entire life based on other people's emotional reactions.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
and you allow emotional immaturity in other people and in yourself to dominate how you move through your day. And number four, your habit of chronically looking over there and comparing yourself makes you feel like life is unfair
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
No, I remember.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
that other people are against you or competing with you and all four of those things are simply not true and you can use the let them theory to remove all four of those obstacles and when you no longer allow people to stress you out you have more energy when you allow people you let them think negative thoughts about you because you recognize you can't control what they think anyway
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
It frees you up to focus on what's within your control, which is what you think about yourself. And when you operate in a way, Lewis, that makes you proud of yourself, you authentically don't really care if people have a negative opinion.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
What's interesting is that we all think we know what is holding us back. And we describe it, whether it's money or time or I'm exhausted or I'm stuck or it's my past or it's my mindset. And it's not that at all. If you're not happy, if you don't have what you want in life, if you're exhausted, tired, stuck, or overwhelmed, the problem isn't what you think it is. In fact, the problem isn't you.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
When it comes to emotional immaturity, so many of us are driven by guilt, or we're scared to disappoint people, or we don't want to let people down, or we think it's our job to make other people happy. And when you organize your life around managing another adult's feelings, you become the parent to another human being. And there's a much easier way. Let them. Let them be disappointed.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Let them be upset.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
let them be sad that you're doing something that they wanted you to do but you're not going to do it let them be an adult and let them deal with themselves and the fourth one is when you spend tons of time comparing yourself to other people and look comparison is normal comparing yourself to other people isn't the problem it's what you're doing with it that is and so using the let them theory you got to let other people be successful
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Because right now what's happening is when you see somebody else succeeding or happy or they're pregnant or they're engaged or they're doing whatever, they're building some big brand, and you tell yourself, oh, my God, they've already done what I wanted to do. I'm too late. Because they've done it, now I can't do it. You actually are working against the laws of the world.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Because success and happiness and joy and friendship and love, these are all things that are in limitless supply. And the truth about life is that you're not actually playing against other people. You're playing with them.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And when you turn other people into a problem and you look at other people's success or happiness or the things that they've achieved or experienced in their lives as evidence that you won't have it, you're working against the natural order of things. Other people can't actually block your way. Only you can do that. And if you let people show you the way,
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
If you let them inspire you, if you let them reveal the formula to success, now you're learning from people instead of turning people into a problem that is blocking you from doing what you're capable of.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And those are the four ways that you have turned other people into a problem and you have allowed other people and your desire to control them or to manage them or the sense that you have this responsibility to make everybody else happy. And you've forgotten about the one person whose job it is that you are supposed to be making happy, which is you. Kind of cool, huh?
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Well, it started at the prom, which is crazy. Was this two years ago?
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Everything. I didn't see this. See, it's sort of like you and I both have dyslexia. I didn't discover that I had dyslexia and ADHD until I was 47. Right. And I found out the way most women do. My son was getting evaluated for school and I'm like, oh, I think I have the same thing here. Yeah. And if you don't know the problem, then you have no access to solving it.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And for years, Lewis, I thought that the primary thing that I was struggling with was anxiety. Because when you have dyslexia or ADHD and it's not diagnosed or addressed, the thing that rises to the surface is anxiety. And anxiety wasn't my problem. Anxiety was a symptom.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Oh, well, it's very simple. Like if you're sitting in a classroom and your brain can't do what everybody else can do and you're falling behind.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Of course, because you're uncertain. And anxiety, in my mind, is just a situation where you feel like there's an unknown, right? And you add in this belief that you're not capable of figuring it out.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
The problem is the power you are unknowingly giving to other people. There are...
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And the problem is that when something feels overwhelming or you don't know or things feel a little out of control, we focus on that and then we start worrying versus focusing on the fact that you're actually capable of figuring something out. That's all that anxiety is. It's a separation with the power inside you. And then, of course, your body has this alarm system.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And when something is happening in the moment or it's about to happen and you get nervous because you're uncertain or you're afraid of how things are going to turn out or you're afraid that the teacher is going to call on you. Right. The alarm system in your body goes off and then you separate. yourself from your power because you always have the ability to figure something out.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And for somebody who starts to struggle chronically with anxiety, what ends up happening is that you start to when you feel nervous in your body, which, by the way, it is a mentally healthy response. If you're a dyslexic kid in classroom and you don't know what's going on to feel nervous.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
eight key ways that you have turned other people into the biggest obstacle in your life and other people should be one of the greatest sources of inspiration and connection and joy and love and instead they are a constant source of stress and frustration and energy drain and they do not have to be and it is this invisible obstacle
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Yes, that's a sign that your things are working well because the alarm is trying to tell you something's not right. And then we feel the alarm and we don't know what the issue is. So then we make a major mistake. Instead of dropping into the alarm, which is always in your body, we go upstairs to our heads, which is where self-doubt is.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And then you start going, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, which only makes the alarm worse. Bigger. I didn't know any of this back then. So I, of course, went from a dyslexic and ADHD kid to somebody that develops anxiety because I'm sitting in a classroom thinking I'm an idiot. And you want to know the kid that works the hardest in school? The one who's struggling.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Not the kids that are getting straight A's.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Even if they're working hard.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
Yes. It's the kid who isn't able to learn in that way and is terrified of being found out. Like you don't have to tell a kid that's struggling in school that like telling somebody to work harder is dumb because it's not an issue of willpower. It's an issue of I don't have the skills right now.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And when you're in that situation where you can't, in fact, there's a there's a doctor that was on our show two weeks ago that you got to have on his name is Dr. Stuart Avalon. And Lewis, he said this sentence. He's been at Mass General Brigham for 30 years. Incredible child psychiatrist. He says people do well when they can.
The School of Greatness
How To Transform Your Inner Chaos To Peace & Reclaim Your Power
And if somebody is not doing well and they're exhibiting challenging behavior. it's because they're missing one of a few skills. And he's been able to identify it down into five skills. And one of the tragic things about his work with kids that he sees over and over is that it's not the kid's fault.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. Because I'm going to explain to you what manifesting is. Manifesting is not, let me think about a beach house and a beach house. That's not how this shit works. Manifesting is the intentional act of, of programming your brain to think different things and to filter the world to help you get what you want.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You are literally using manifesting to bring four different parts of your brain online to program what your mind sees. So it's a lot like Instagram. So the second I'm like, I'm going on a show. It's great. And I started like talking all about it. I already follow it. Like I just saw so much of your content because social media listens to you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
The filter changes and then it shows you what it thinks you want to see.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Guess what? Your brain works the same way. The exact same way.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. And your brain is paying attention to what you're actually saying. So if you're constantly going, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, your brain is going to show you more reasons to be afraid. If you go, what if I can figure that out? What if it all works out?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Oh, my gosh. Well, thank you. It's all you. Well, here's the thing. I think what's super cool is that the person that is listening to this right now The thing that's interesting about a show like this is that you don't bump into it. Like if you really stop and think about it, Jake, somebody had to actually select this episode and hit play.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
What if I like literally in the way that you manifest anything is decide what you want. And so what's something that you would like to have happen?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
OK, great. And tell me a little bit about what the relationship feels like.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Um, so what I want you to do is this is the method that I was taught by a guy by the name of Dr. Jim Doty. He's like this like fancy neuroscientist guy at Stanford.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So he both studies the brain and operates on the brain, but he's like Mr. Manifesting.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So you literally think about what you want and I would literally come up with a sentence that's like, um, I'm going to be in a loving relationship with somebody I lay in bed and watch TV with and we laugh and we have fun and I feel like myself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You're going to take a pencil. You're going to write that down and then you're going to read it to yourself and then you're going to say it out loud. That's where you're going to first thing in the morning while you're calm. Manifesting doesn't work while you're anxious because the part of the part of the brain that actually is laying down the new programing. can't work when you're like, ah.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Right. So you got to do calm. So you're going to take your pencil. You're going to write this down. You're going to read it to yourself and you're going to say it out loud. And then what happens is this, the for you page starts to organize.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because you're now telling your brain, this is important to me. And your brain has this filter called the reticular activating system. Doesn't matter what the hell it's called. It's like a hairnet on your brain. Right. Changes. And now all of a sudden it lets in Information. Oh, there's another loving couple. Oh, interesting. There's a TikTok of two people laying on page. Oh, look at that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So you start to see things that you normally don't see. And then you start to see it. So you start to believe that it's true because there's evidence there. And that helps you then start to do the things that you need to do, which are largely using the let them theory. Right. So that you can say no to the people that don't treat you and make you feel that way.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because the faster you say no to those people, the faster the person that is supposed to be laying in bed with you actually arrives. Right. That's how you meet them. You first tell yourself that you want to meet them. And you visualize it for yourself. And by repeating it, your brain's like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. And you can do this with anything.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You can do this with launching an influencer business. Right. You can do this with, I want to be anxiety free. You can do this with, I'm going to meet somebody that actually makes me feel like myself. And the more you repeat it, the more your brain starts to go, yeah, that's what we do believe. Right. And then you use the let them theory because it's a process of elimination.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Seriously, like you have to, dating is not about finding somebody. Dating is about learning about what you don't like and raising your standards. For what actually is attractive to you and what's actually not attractive to you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That means they found time when they don't have time and they made it to listen to you. And it means they want to be here. See, on social, people bump into content all the time. But when you really think about your show as something that somebody has made the time and a very busy schedule to be here, you think about the single person that's listening somewhere around the world very differently.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, what if – Well, OK, so that's a really interesting thing. Have you ever been in a long term committed relationship ever? And is it is part of it because you're uncomfortable being naked with somebody?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. So where did you get the idea that there was something wrong with your body?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. And I... Was it in a situation too where you guys were all like getting undressed in a... I don't know what... I forget.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Oh, Tumblr. I thought, I literally thought you mentioned gymnastics.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I thought you meant like, okay, like were you fat in a leotard?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Tumbling. Okay. I got you now. So you were a Tumblr kid.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So. It's interesting that we're going here because I actually believe this is going to sound like the cheesiest ass thing I could ask you to do. But your issue is self-rejection.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And one of the things that you're going to figure out in your life, and this is something I would work on with your therapist and I would really just explore for yourself, is that you're looking for the validation out there.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
When what you have to figure out is what does validation look like in here?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, that's where we have to figure out how to have you get your power back.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because the problem with seeking validation out there for your actual self-worth or whether or not you're attractive or worthy or lovable is that that's never in your control.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And that's why you have OCD because your entire life is set up to give you the very validation that you need from yourself. Only you've handed all the power over to whether or not strangers actually like you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so as you and I jump into everything from like the first topic, I really have to just say out loud because it's so on my mind is that these mics are so thick. It feels like holding a penis. I know. I've never been on a show where I'm like, OK, here we go right at the base. And so I I like as we jump into everything from dating to anxiety to whatever the hell you want to talk about.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so we can flip this. Okay. But you've got to understand, and this is like the heart of the let them theory. Like I'll give you an example. You cannot get sober until you stop drinking.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And it's a nuance that most people don't think about. Same thing is true about taking control of your life. You can't take control of your life until you stop trying to control everything else. Because all the effort that you're putting into making sure everybody out there thinks all these things about you is time and energy that I want you to claw back.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. And so first things first, here's what we're going to do because then we're going to go deeper into some of the things that I think that you should do and you should talk to your therapist about because I want you to change this.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You can be fucking hilarious and have a huge impact and grow your show and do all these remarkable things with your creativity and learn how to have a really good relationship where you actually like and accept yourself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, so here's the thing about confidence. You're saying, what does confidence mean for you?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. So here's something that I also want to share with you. So I have a different definition of confidence and I think language does matter. So confidence from this point forward, here's what I want you to say confidence is. Confidence is the willingness to try. Because when you are not confident, you kind of hold yourself back and you feel discouraged.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And then the fact that you hold yourself back makes you feel more like an imposter, makes you feel more whatever. But if you're like back to the anxiety in this conversation of, well, I'm actually capable of figuring this out. If you're going, I'm willing to try.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I'm willing to try. Because the more that you try, the better you get at things and then the more confident you feel about it. So when you talk about what you actually want to feel, you're actually a really confident guy. I'm going to tell you something. You try a lot of shit.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like I'm telling you, like you're actually a very confident guy. So I don't want to hear you say you're not confident.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because it's not true. Right. I mean, I'm watching how you live your life. and you are out in full force trying all kinds of shit for all of us to laugh at and learn from, that is a confident motherfucker.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay, so let's actually use the right words, because you're not actually insecure. You're trying a lot of shit.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay, so can I hear you say, I'm a really confident guy, but, and then describe?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. Got it. Um, is there anything you could change about your body that would make you feel more confident?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I'm going to be thinking about the fact that one person is with us right now and they have decided that you and I are worthy of an hour of their time. And so I'm going to not only show up for you, I'm going to show up for them.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, how tall are you? 5'3". Okay. So we got four inches.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. So you're either got to grow your hair taller. Right. Right. Or you got to wear heels. Right. So part of the problem with what you're doing is you are actually taking attributes, especially height, that there is nothing you can do to change it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And what's going to happen because you are so committed to trashing yourself is that even as you get more and more confident in your career, even as you check all these boxes, you will always find something to trash yourself. It has become like your default and it's actually not a bit anymore.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like I think that you can feel good about your body and still be self-deprecating about the assholes you're dating.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like there are things that you can find to make fun of that don't actually deep down make you feel like shit about yourself. And so number one, we, you have to actually figure out how to accept that it's not fair that you're five, three.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Tell me all the reasons why it's not fair that you're short.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
What would change about your life if you were taller?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You're focused on height because it's distracting you from actually doing the work of learning how to look in the mirror.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And say, I am going to do life with that guy. Like you only get to do life with one person from the moment you're born to the moment that you die. You have one person to take care of. It's you. Yeah. It's you. And so the best thing you could ever do for yourself is to learn how to look in the mirror and go, all right, this is what I got. This is the hand I was dealt.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And you can spend your life looking at everybody else's hands and thinking everybody else has a better hand of cards. That's not how life is played. It's how you play the hand. And from my vantage point, you're fucking destroying the hand.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
How does that change the way that you think about this?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You are. You are. And there comes a point in time in life, and I learned this so fucking late, like it just, I don't want you to do this to yourself. Like you have to learn, if you want to be happier, you have to learn how to allow yourself to be happier. And there's something about you and the way you won't allow yourself to be happier.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Sometimes I think the first step in changing your life is admitting to yourself that how you're doing it is no longer working. You can be funny as hell and super successful and self-deprecating and actually allow yourself to be happy with who and how you are.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So there's two ways we're going to attack this. Okay.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And first of all, I think it's so cool that you're willing to just like, boom, I thought we were going to talk about dating and let him ghost you and fuck that and like all that stuff. No, this is actually what matters.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So there's something super cheesy I'm going to tell you to do. And you're going to hate this because you don't like how you look. But this is why you have to do it. I can't believe I'm sharing this with you. So tomorrow morning when you get up and you go into the bathroom, after you brush your teeth, I want you to do something that sounds ridiculous.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You're going to put your toothbrush down and you're not going to say a damn word. And you're just going to look at yourself in the mirror. Just eye to eye.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Don't say anything. You're going to notice that you're probably, if you're anything like me, you're going to notice that you probably have this tendency to scan your body and be like, pulling around or standing up straight or whatever we do. Like, you know, I've got one boob hanging lower than the other one. Like, why do I look like that? My wrinkles, my turkey neck. Yeah.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So our brains are kind of wired to see the negative. Right. And so you got to fight against that. So you're just going to stare at yourself in the mirror. Don't say a thing. Now, I want you to understand. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror like that? Okay. That's normal.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Based on the research, 50% of people can't look at themselves.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
eye to eye in the mirror because they don't like the person they see yeah i don't okay that's normal okay so this is going to be really hard and you don't have to like stand there for a minute just stand and look in the eyes and you're going to notice you're going to want to turn away and i want you to i want you to understand that moment you're not looking at a reflection you're actually looking at the person that you go through life with okay and then you are going to reach up uh-huh
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And as dumb as this sounds, you're going to high five the mirror. But don't say anything. Now, a couple things might happen. You might laugh as it happens. You might just want to say, this is so fucking stupid, Mel. But as your hand goes toward the mirror, something happens.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
crazy is happening in your brain so this is a field of study called neurobics and it's it's exactly what it sounds like it's neuro whatever plus aerobic activity the fastest way to rewire new thinking patterns is to marry a new thinking pattern with something you don't normally do physically okay so let's talk about high-fiving okay i want you i want you to high-five me okay you ready all right let's do another one right yeah okay great yeah so what does a high-five mean
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Right. But if you and I are high-fiving, what do you say? What are you saying to that? Like, good job.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
We did it. You never high-five somebody and say, you're fucking ugly.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You're too short. Right. It's always keep going. I see you. I got you. So it is impossible because all the programming in your brain... With this action is already in here because you've seen people do this and you've done it for a fucking lifetime. So when you look at yourself in the eyes and you just silently go like this, you aim all that positive. I got you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I see you keep going with your own reflection. Right. You do that five mornings in a row based on our research. That's how quickly it takes to start to actually see yourself as somebody that you're like, okay, I got you get out there.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And you will stop if you keep doing this. You won't even need to do the high five. I don't even need to. I look at myself in the mirror now and I used to just scan my gray hair and this and that and just trash myself. And I don't actually do that. Because I would never talk to my daughter that way. I wouldn't talk to my best friend that way. Why the fuck would I talk to myself that way?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
The reason why you talk to yourself that way is because you've just repeated it and you just do it all the time.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so that's one thing that you can do. The second thing that you need to do, I personally believe, because the reason why you're not happy is because you live your life here.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. Okay. But I want to validate that you live in a chronic state of fight or flight.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And that's why you're not happy. And there are things that you can do to understand that in your body, if you're always on edge, then parts of your brain don't work because you've got the alarm going in your body. Does that sound resonant for you?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yeah. I mean, even the incident that you were talking about where somebody commented on your body when that happens to you and you're little, it makes you feel unsafe.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so your body is designed to sound the alarm when you feel unsafe. It's, it's doing what it's supposed to be doing. But then the problem is you're going to be bracing again.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because you're trying to protect yourself from these jerks who said something that scared you. And then you don't have adults around you that can actually help you. And so you as a kid are having to feel like you've got to take this all on yourself. And a lot of the comedy and looking out there is a distraction. So people don't pick on you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You're like, I'm going to do it first before anyone else can do it to me. Correct.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It's an actual offensive mode. Now, that doesn't mean you're not funny as fuck. It doesn't mean that's not your genius. But you can still have that genius and actually heal the thing that it actually came from. And so what I want you to understand is your body has two nervous systems, okay? Okay. There's the alarm. We know that one works.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And, you know, when you do like that and then you're up in your head, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, scanning around. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Okay, that's the alarm.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Your body also has a calm, resting, sexy, confident, present nervous system. It's called the parasympathetic nervous system. And so I'm going to teach you how to turn it on. It's so fucking cool. So you have something in your body called the vagus nerve. I wish they taught this in elementary school.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It runs from literally your butt through every major organ, your vocal cords, all the way up to the top of your head. It's the on-off switch. Between alarm. And fucking chill.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It's sort of like the internal margarita. Yeah. Flips the switch, right? So what you're going to do is you are going to, whenever you feel that, oh my God, the alarm's on. Somebody flipped on the lights. Okay. I'm capable of feeling this. You're literally just going to, you can just put your hand right here. This is where the vagus nerve runs right through here. You're going to press in.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Close your eyes. Here he goes. Okay. Breathe in and then here we go. Blow it out. And all you have to remember, Jake, is that the exhale's longer. Let's breathe in again. One more time. Here we go. And then you're just going to say to yourself, I'm okay.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. Yes, exactly. And that's like an incredibly cool thing that you're providing for somebody else.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so if you find, and you're living a big life, you got big goals, so you're going to need to have that energy. But if you feel it getting the best of you, fucking drop in real quick, settle yourself, then go into the business meeting. Then walk on to the date.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so those are two tools you can use to actually start to rewire the way that you go right on edge and also that cheesy thing, high five the mirror, do it every morning as part of my morning routine as a way to start to actually go, I got to root for that person. I got to stop punishing myself for the fact that I'm short.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You can learn to go, this is who I am and I get to choose whether or not I go through life.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Hating that or embracing it. Like what's great about being your size?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yeah, because you're funny as fuck. I want to know, I saw the video where you fell skiing. Did you rip your jumpsuit? Because that looked like a really bad fall.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I don't think you, I think the fact that you're shorter like Kevin Hart.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like if you're like crazy tall and you look like you should, you probably will be on GQ because of your success.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And, and you know, the other thing is so many people look up to you and everybody watching and listening has something they hate about how they look.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so there's some way to figure out how to make it funny, but actually own it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. It's not true. So this is where we're going to get into let them theory. Right. Because this is why this is how you give power to other people.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
The only thing that you should be focused on is what you actually think is true for your sake. Like the way to be happy in life is to not look for validation and for the things that you want in other people's opinions because we can't control them. The way to be happy in life is to say let them. And the thing that I want you to say is I want you to actually use the theory in a very direct way.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I want you to say let them talk about how fat I am.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Let them comment on how short I am. Right. Let them think whatever negative fucking shit they're going to think. I will wave from my private jet while I'm sitting here drinking my Celsius and enjoying the ride because I know who I am.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And what matters in life is not what they say. So you've got to let them think negative thoughts.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. So here's how you use the let them theory because number one, the major thing in life you can't control is what somebody else thinks, what they do, what they believe, what they say, how they feel. Cannot control it. So you got to learn to let them. Yeah. If somebody misunderstands you, let them. If somebody actually is confused about your intention, let them. Right.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
People are allowed to be confused. They're allowed to have their opinions. They're allowed to not understand why you're doing what you're doing. They're allowed to be disappointed. Let them. You're not people's parents.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Let them feel how they feel. Let them have their opinions. Okay. Then you come to the let me part. This is where your power is. You got to always go, okay, Jake, let me remind myself what I think matters most. And I know my intention. And when you know what your intention is, then you know that you're a good person and that's what you have to anchor.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Now, if you have a good intention, let's say, um, I don't know, like, let's say that you, you can't make it to somebody's birthday party. It's not a big birthday. It's not like 25, it's like 23 and everybody's going out to some fucking restaurant and 14 people and you're splitting the bill and blah, blah, blah. You don't even want to go.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You don't know half the people. But your friend's a little bit dramatic, and they're going, oh, Jack, I want you to be in there. Right, right, right. You're like, oh, my God, I don't want to be there. What we do in life is we literally bend ourselves backwards and show up at things like that because we want that other person to think we are a good friend. Yeah.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And she's like, why does he seem like he's in such a shitty mood? Why did he even come? He's being a therapist. Yeah. Right. So even the shit that you did to try to manipulate what they think about you didn't work. Right. Because you have no control over what they think. And they're allowed to think whatever the fuck they want.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
See, if you do the opposite, which is, I know I'm a good friend. And I also know that in taking care of myself, that going tonight and splitting a bill with 16 people and sitting next to people I don't have the energy to talk to isn't actually going to work for me tonight. I need to rest. I need to take care of myself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So you're going to call your friend and be like, I'm not going to be able to make it. Okay, they're disappointed. Let them be disappointed. Because here's the thing about disappointment. It's a good thing.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. Because if your friend's disappointed, it just means she loves you and wanted you there.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You can disappoint somebody and they still love you. Right. And a business partner can be disappointed that you can't make it somewhere. And it means they just want you there. I mean, what's the alternative? Oh, thank God you're not coming.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So disappointment, let them have their disappointment. It's not your job to manage it. And then let me remind myself, because you're going to say to your friend, I totally get it. And here's the thing. I would just rather like go have coffee with you this weekend. Right. and actually get to be with you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so here's what I'd like to do. And whatever they say, let them. You know your intention. And when you align your life, Jake, with what you believe and what you feel, and you know you're a good person and you know why you're doing things, that's the secret. Because then you don't care really what other people think because you know the truth.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
But if you organize your life around what everybody else is thinking, you're going to make yourself crazy because you can never control it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes, and I want you to learn this now, to let people have negative thoughts.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Got it? Yeah. And learning that now, especially given that you've got a huge, beautiful, bright, amazing future, learning to let people have negative thoughts and stay really laser focused on what am I doing and why and what are the ways to think that make me feel good about me, that's the secret to a great life.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Do you get that? Do you see how this is a boundary too? Yeah. Like you don't need any other boundary than let them. Yeah. Because let them is like I'm letting you live your life and then my life gets better. And it's not like I'm being a dick. You're basically going I'm not responsible for what you think and feel.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
No, you're not. You're, you're, you are not responsible for anybody else's emotions. An emotion is a chemical explosion that happens in six seconds inside somebody's body.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And what really liberated me, cause I used to be a huge people pleaser and I would navigate my life based on people's moods. Or if God, I had like some friend that was like giving me the silent treatment and Now I'm like bending over backwards.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. Well, good. So let's talk about this. So everybody you meet from this point forward, just, I want you to visualize them as a eight year old child in a big body because that's how old we are emotionally. Right. And we make the mistake of looking at other adults and our friends and thinking that they're actually emotionally mature. None of us are because our parents weren't.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
and you're not born emotionally mature, and all emotional maturity is, everyone loves to throw around that word, is it just means you actually understand and can process your emotions without puking them at another person.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So you and I are basically eight-year-olds that throw ourselves on the floor and throw tantrums.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, so what that's a sign of, because that's me too, is it's a sign of when your emotions get going, you don't know how to settle them. So you just puke them out.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And when you get frustrated, it's like with the raging, right?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And they're like, oh, I'm really sorry. I just had a stressful day at work. No, you just literally can't tolerate stress. And you just fucking puked it at me in a text.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And then I sent an emoji. Yeah. I'll see you later.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Same. So here's what, so first of all, you actually just did the hard part. You said, oh my God, that's me.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so recognizing that you're that, let's go through some other ones though.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So another big thing is the friend that is the silent treatment person.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
If you think about that friend as an eight year old, that's a child who pouts. A child who pouts is just a child who like you feel frustrated or disappointed or hurt and you don't know how to use your words. So you go pout in the corner. Why? So the parent.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
If somebody's doing the silent treatment to you, choosing whether or not you're going to be compassionate and try to comfort them, some people you may. Right. Choosing that, okay, I see who this person is and I now know to have kind of good boundaries because this is what this person does.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so that's how you understand, how do I want to respond to this situation? Well, you just ask yourself, well, what's worth my time and energy? Because my responsibility is actually to myself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And this goes to dating too, by the way. So we talked about how you would really like to be in a relationship. And so the two things that I want you to do is number one, to really like think about the more that you actively try to program in that this is going to happen. I'm a fucking catch. I'm funny as hell. I'm super kind. I got stuff I'm working through, but I'm capable of working through it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the right person is, actually creates an environment where I feel safe to do so, right? And so kind of reminding yourself of that instead of,
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
The opposite that you've been doing, which is I'm short and I was going to love me and a big tits and that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that I, and I don't look like this and I don't have that, which, which is its own thing, which then does not actually help you attract what you want because like attracts like, and if you are looking for somebody that makes you feel safe and makes you laugh and that you just feel like you can be you with, then that's what you are going to attract in your life.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And by attract, I mean your radar is up. And not gaydar, I mean radar for what is attractive and what is not attractive to me. And so in dating, here's how I want you to think about this. People's behavior... tells you the truth about where you stand and what their priorities are. Right.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the danger that we all get into is, and all the situationship shit, is that we refuse to see somebody's behavior, especially in the fool around stage where it's super casual and you're just protecting yourself from venereal disease and having fun. Yeah, yeah. With the lights off, of course, right?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because we're going to work on the body image stuff, right?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That you... Get yourself in danger because instead of living in the reality and letting them reveal whether or not they like you and how they treat you and whether or not you're a priority, you live up here in your head and you create a fantasy about what's going on.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Wow. Then your brain is way busier than I can tell.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
See, I think people's behavior is very black and white.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, I mean, if somebody wants to see you, you'll know it. If you're a priority, you'll know it. If all they do is text you, but you don't make plans, it means they don't like you. They're bored. There's no confusing behavior. Right. You confuse yourself because you go up here and go, well, maybe it means this. Maybe they're busy.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the only thing that's confusing about dating is how we confuse ourselves.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because we will not let people show us that they're not interested.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Let them show you they're not interested. Let them text you when they're bored and never ask to see you. Let them lead you on and never follow up. Because now they're showing you where you stand. And then you go to the let me part. This is where the boundary is and go, is this attractive to me?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Let me go back to my little manifesting. Okay, this was not what it was supposed to look like. So this is a no. Right. And the more you say no to the wrong stuff, the faster the right person walks in. And see, I think because you don't like how you look, you're processing. I can feel, like, the octopus going like this.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Great. Super relatable. So here's the thing. Why were you questioning whether or not you should text him? What are you managing?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Let him. See, what we do in dating is we invent all these rules because we're trying to manage what they think of us.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
What if you just... Let them think what they think. And you gave yourself permission. Let me just like text when I want to text. And if I'm too much for that person, then they're not my person.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
How is somebody that's meant to be with you supposed to find you if you're busy trying to fit yourself into places you don't belong?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Correct. So learning that you're not on this planet to be somebody's husband. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so thinking about it from a standpoint of meeting people isn't about getting to anything. Meeting people and being in relationships is an opportunity to learn more about yourself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the breakthroughs that I want for you are for you to actually have relationships where you can be naked in daylight, where you can... Really feel where you can be comfortable with yourself and feel like yourself and where somebody loves everything about you and it helps you love you more. Like that's what I want for you. Yeah.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And, you know, instead we chase all this stuff out here that's on the surface when really a meaningful relationship is about all the stuff you don't actually see.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so for you using the let them theory, it's going to help you because I don't like learning how to not play games and giving yourself the permission to just show up. If you want to text fucking text, if you're some psycho freak and that's what you do, I'm not saying you are, but you know, like a clingy, then let yourself be that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the people that can't handle that leave faster and you want them to.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And let them think a negative thought. Let them misunderstand you. Let them think you're this. Let them think you're that. Because that's not what you're going to try to control. And let me just give myself permission to just act however I want to act because that's what feels good for me. And the more that I give myself permission, the more a person that can handle me is going to show up. Right.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so I feel like using this, you're going to not do the danger of censoring yourself. Because you're going to let them think something negative, let them misunderstand me, let them feel how they're going to feel, and let me not invent some stupid fucking rule. Like you could text them after this conversation and be like, I didn't even watch the fucking movie, but I just was thinking about you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And now you're like, fuck, I recommend a shitty movie.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
This movie fucking sucks. Okay, great. Let them think it sucks. No, this is so relatable because this is what we do because we put all the power over there.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And every time we censor ourselves, we're saying to ourselves, I don't like myself. So I can't say that. And then what if this, and I gotta be a different thing.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And it's self-rejection. So giving yourself permission and you can't give yourself permission until you basically go, I'm not going to manage what this person thinks of me. I'm going to let them think something negative. I'm going to let them misunderstand me. I'm going to let them Like, not like me because I'm short. I can't change it. They're not my person.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like, I know who I am and I'm going to let me basically go, the right person is going to make me feel 10 feet tall.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And you only think about your height because of some fucking asshole and what they said to you when you were little.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And you have to. Stop giving that power. And it's a more complicated thing because it was a traumatic experience where you froze and felt under attack. And that was the right response. But you have to reclaim the way you brace in life because you're an adult now and you don't have to go through life like that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
But it begins with you and you learning how to say how I am is good enough. Like I got to be able to be naked with myself. I got to be able to accept myself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because until I do that, the right loving person isn't actually going to come in. I'm going to be looking for somebody that's better and taller and sexier in the six pack and all this shit. Because if that person chooses me, then I'm okay.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And it's actually, like, if you've got somebody, the stuff that actually matters is, are they kind? Can I be myself? Are they loyal? Do they have friends? How's their relationship with their family?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
If you got that, can I laugh? If you got that stuff, you've won the lottery with a person.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I'll tell you, the abs go away. The hairline recedes. Seriously.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so you're focused on the things that you think are deficits in you. Mm-hmm. And you're missing the actual fucking goldmine that you are.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
No, I mean it. Yeah. I mean it. And so let them ghost you. Let them lead you on. Let them like, you know, do what they're going to do because you're not in it to find the one. You're in it to actually learn how to love yourself. Right. And then the right person shows up. And stop like chasing the potential of something because it looks good on Instagram.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, you might actually need somebody who's not on Instagram.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That's what that is. And so, you know, I think that like you should have fun. You should date tons of people and you should let them think what they're going to think. And you should really experiment with I'm in my let me era. I'm in my let me era. I'm just going to let me be me. And I got to work on that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
really just, okay, I'm short, I'm fucking hilarious, I'm building a big business, I have millions of fans, and I'm working on learning how to allow happiness in. I am not going to let those motherfuckers that bullied me when I was little actually dictate the way it feels to be an adult, because the first step of actually changing your life is admitting how you're doing it no longer works for you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And it doesn't make you happy anymore. Like you protected yourself the best you could. And it's also fueled all this comedy, but you can learn how to be wildly entertaining and actually look in the mirror and be like, that's my fucking guy. Yeah. And I want that for you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yeah. And here's why. That your brain is always watching. Right. What you're doing. So if you actually want to be in better shape and you're not working out the way you need to, your brain is just going, oh, well, he's not taking care of himself. Yeah. But if you force yourself to start doing different types of workouts, because are you capable of losing weight if you want to lose weight?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Are you capable of like having muscles or six pack if you wanted to? Yes. Okay, great. So then you have to actually ask yourself, do you want those things?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because every day that you wake up and you're like, this is actually on the list. I curve out time for this. I've hired a trainer. Cause if you're like me, you're a lazy ass.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Oh no, I'm tracking like absolutely completely with you. So can I give you a visual?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Oh my God. You need somebody screaming at you. Like, so do it. And so prove it. And when you start to show up every day, like for every, there's so many people that watch you that want to be making money online. Right. But they don't post. Yeah. And you want to know why they don't? Why? Because they think their fucking Instagram is for their college friends. Right.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Your Instagram is for your business. Your Instagram is for your self-expression. If Susie Q from your sorority does not fucking like it, fuck her. Right. Let her unfollow you. Let her gossip to all your former sorority sisters because you know that you're changing your Instagram strategy because if all these people are making money, you're capable of making money too.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. So you're going through a massive state of expansion in your life. Congratulations. Thank you. You have this big tour coming up. It's going to be amazing because you're actually going to get to see everybody and be with everybody, which is going to be a whole nother thing that takes you like this. Um, what I want you to do is because it's very easy in life. I had chronic anxiety for so long.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
But first you got to get over your massive insecurity about what other people think. And the way you do it is a let them theory. Let them think negative things about you and let me go build that goddamn business.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. So here's what I want you to do now that you're a business person. Make the thing that you do your job. Do not make it your identity.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes, but making content and being funny and going on tour and having these conversations and being self-deprecating is your job. What you do when you're not on camera and how you treat yourself and how you talk to yourself and whether or not you go to the gym and whether or not you're naked with, you know, your lover and you're in broad daylight. That's who you are. Right. Does that make sense?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. And when you think about it like a job, this is what I fucking do. This is not who I am.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You can have a personal brand that you know that this is what I do out here, but I'm actually working on boundaries with myself because I will not be successful if all I do is tear myself down in public and in private.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That and... You have to take the actions that actually prove to you that you are taking care of yourself. So I would say exercising, especially if you're lazy and you need a trainer, fucking get one.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I think that what's interesting about life is that the success is not in doing it perfectly. Success is the person who actually gets back to it after they haven't done it for a while.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like literally. Like you're, the other thing is, is that you'll, you're also, here's another trick. Since your brain is, is always looking for what's wrong.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You'll find, you'll forget that you did a hundred things correctly today.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Right. But then you'll laser focus on the one thing you didn't do. It is a superpower to train yourself literally at the end of the day to go, well, what went well today? And if you can't do that, Lulu, please ask him. So tell me, tell me one thing that went well today.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Fuck yeah. Okay. Cause that's what somebody does if they actually care about themselves.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like if you literally only ate 75 french fries instead of 76, we're winning.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so ending the day is another way. And just saying what actually went well, like name one thing that went well today.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Great. And so another thing you can do, and this is for the person listening too, if you really struggle with like supporting yourself, if you did support yourself, what would a day in the life look like that's not utopia? Like what are the things that you would do if you were actually happy and you were proud of yourself that you're not currently doing? Oh, I can give you an exercise.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. You ready? So this is, I'm going to call out my daughter Sawyer. And when COVID hit, was it COVID? This is the exercise where we drew a line. It was in Rhode Island. Drew a line down the center. High school or Boston? Okay, so she graduates from college.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the 20s are the worst decade of your life. There, I said it. Really? Oh, the worst.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, that's why it's the worst, because you guys have been gaslit into thinking it's the best.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
No, the 20s are the worst, and I'll tell you why. From zero to 20, your entire life... had structure to it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And when you are in a state where you're always up in your head and your body is kind of on that edge state, it's both the thing that helps you get everything done. But the problem is the part of the brain that makes memories actually isn't present.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Where you knew exactly what was going to happen next. You were going to go to first, second grade, third, fourth, fifth, all the way to college and people go to college and you go to freshman, sophomore. You, you had celebrated the same milestones as everybody else. Yeah. So you could locate yourself in a big group of people.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You knew who was ahead, who was behind. We were all kind of in a pack. Plus you were with people your age all the time.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
All the time. And you were all celebrating birthdays. You had the same milestones of graduation or prom or rush or whatever it may be, right? And then all of a sudden, the 20s happened and something that I call the great scattering hits. No one sees it coming.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And all of the structure and foundation that you didn't realize was something that gave you a sense of confidence and a sense of what's coming next and kept you in touch with your peers evaporates. People go to LA, they go to New York, they go to Chicago. Some people go to medical school. Some people like don't know what they're doing. Some people take the IB job.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Some people go into like everybody's all over the place. And the only thing that's holding your friend group together is a text chain that gets quieter and quieter and quieter. And you start to think, I never see my friends. What the fuck is going on? And then you start to look around and everybody's in different phases and places. And some people are single and some people are over here.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You don't see people. You start seeing some of your old friend groups get together, but then you're not invited. And then you wonder, am I in the in? Am I in the out? And you start torturing yourself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the reason why this happens is because of this great scattering. And the other big thing that happens is friendship goes from a group sport where everybody's together. If you are living with a bunch of people, everybody's always invited.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
If you're in whatever Kappa house or whatever, everybody's invited. So you start to expect friendship to happen. Then the 20s hit and it all of a sudden becomes an individual sport. And that's when people start to grip and cling and they wonder the frenemies and the breakups and all this shit.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And it's because the rules of friendship have changed and because everybody has scattered and the actual structure that gave you a sense of knowing where you were disappears.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so the way you use the let them theory of this is you've got to let friends come in and out of your life. You've got to be more flexible. You've got to let me take a proactive approach. If I want to see somebody, I need to make the effort. I can't sit back and be like, they never invite me. Well, when have you invited them somewhere?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. So if you, I don't know if this is true for you. Do you have, do you feel like you look back on your childhood and you don't quite have a lot of memories?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the other thing I want to teach you is this, because I think it's really important to understand in your 20s. There are three pillars to adult friendship. One is proximity.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
If somebody is in front of your face, you spend more time together. There's actual research that says that you need like 78 hours to be a friend with somebody. And in order to be a close friend, you need 200 hours together. OK, if you think about your childhood or think about college, you're freaking living with your friends.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You see them all the time. You're in class together. So the conditions for proximity and spending lots of time are there. You never see your friends when you hit your 20s because everyone's all over the freaking place doing everything.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so it's natural since you're not in front of each other. To feel the friendships start to fade or strain. And then you say, let me. Let me remind myself that just because I don't talk to that person anymore doesn't mean I'm against them.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
We're still friends. Right. We're still friends. Like I, I like, I don't, I can be super flexible with people.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Now, if somebody is immature or toxic or whatever, then so, okay, let them be that way. I get to choose whether or not I'm an invest in this friendship or not.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
But when you take a more flexible approach and when you understand it's about proximity, it's about timing, it's about energy before you break up with a friend or you have some big, super weird, like blow up, ask yourself, did any of these three pillars change? Because if the timing or the proximity or the energy is shifted, then the friendship is going to shift. And that's normal.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It means you're kind of growing in new directions. And the cool thing about being flexible and not being that clingy asshole that's always looking for the invite is that when you let people come in and out of your life, they almost always come back.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yeah. And when you let people live their lives, your life gets better. When you let people be who they are and who they're not, your relationships get better. Right. And when you let yourself be who you are, everything gets better. Yeah. You have so much more power than you think. So this exercise is so good. So she did it after she graduated from college. She was so depressed. No purpose.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
My friends are all gone. I have no life. I hate my fucking body. I'm so fat. I'm out of shape. So I'm like, okay, take out a piece of paper.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Draw a line down the center. And I want you to imagine a moment in your life. When you were actually the happiest you've been. And you might not have been happy, but when's the moment that you were the happiest?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That is an extraordinarily common thing that happens when you either are in a kind of chronic state where you're on edge and you're up in your head and you have anxiety or you have unresolved trauma.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay, great. Yeah. So that's your kind of version and I would say I would even go more granular like what kind of food were you eating and when would you wake up and who are you hanging out with and you were exercising and you were putting yourself out there and so you're really focused on the creative and all that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay, great. So that's your version and you kind of pick apart some of the details and some of the things was, I was saying yes.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because what happens is when you're in that state where you're thinking, thinking, thinking, what's next, what's next, what's next, the part of the brain that's actually present to assess and then file long-term memories isn't online. Right. And so you're not actually present to make the memories, even though they're happening.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I was putting myself out there. I was exercising. I was dancing.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay, great. I was dancing. Like, so there's all these elements, right?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Of energy and exercise and dancing and saying yes. So when I asked my daughter, okay, think about a time in your life where you were actually genuinely the half, like one of the happiest you can think about. It doesn't have to be elation. It could even just be like, well, this is a period of my life where it was actually generally good. And she said, senior year in high school.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And that had been four years ago. And I said, well, tell me about it. She's like, well, I would get up for, I would get up.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I would go to school. I'd be with my friends all day. I would then exercise seven days a week because I was playing lacrosse. I was in a relationship. I felt good about my body. I was really looking forward to going to college. And so she laid all this stuff out. And I said, great. Now on the other side, piece of the paper, describe your life right now. And she's like, I sleep till noon.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I eat my feelings. I'm single. I hate my body. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't see my friends. And I'm like, great, compare. There's your map. All of the things that were present in your life when you felt even just a little happier. And you could add to your list by going, what other periods of my life did I even just feel more content? And you'll start to see, oh, I got up earlier.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I was exercising or dancing or doing my art. I was saying yes instead of cocooning in my brain and by myself and just working, working, working, working. And that's your map. You actually know what it feels like. To be.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Your own life gives you the answers. We just allow the busyness of the world and the anxiety in our mind to shield us from what we actually know to be true. And so if you were to add in more yeses, not like more obligations, but yeses to fun.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. But when you see it on paper, you go, oh, wait a minute. This is allowing happiness. I have to say one yes or two yeses a month. I got to dance once a month. I have to. You have to. So understanding that this is direct access to your lived experience and happiness makes you more intentional about putting it in.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. See, mine's the opposite. At this stage of my life, it's really finding more time to like be with my husband or my kids or a friend and go hike a mountain. Right. It's having the time to read a book.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so I have decades of my life that I'm literally like, I don't really remember what happened in college.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And not have to talk. It's cooking. It's gardening. It's spending time with my parents who are getting older. Like I have a different formula now And it's why I have big boundaries because when you're wildly successful, people just want more from you. And the game is actually in saying no to everything that doesn't work for you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
No, no. It's actually all the research is very clear that you do not achieve happiness by accomplishing something. Yeah. That's actually a recipe for being miserable in your life. Because the second that you go, I mean, you've already achieved, you've already sold out the fucking tour. You accomplished the thing that you thought would make you happy.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And my friends, I don't know if this ever happens to you, where you're like, do you remember that party? And you're like, no, I don't remember that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
But now that it's over, now you don't have anything to make you happy. And so the real secret is how do you make yourself happy now while you're working toward those things? And the way that you make yourself happy now is you do that exercise and you go, oh, I Dummy, like I need to dance.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I actually need moments of quiet. I freaking need to exercise. I'm happier when I do. There's my formula. And if I do that now, I'll actually be happy while I'm working on these big goals. And if I'm happier now, I'll be even better at working on this shit instead of being miserable and trashing myself and slogging through the day, hoping that I'll be happier then. Fuck that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, you have the advantage over me because you guys at least have all the photos.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. But then you're like, I don't actually remember being there.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. Because you were up here. You weren't in. here. And so I want to teach you some things that are not going to take away your power and your creativity, but it's going to help you be more grounded and settled in your body and
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. So there's two tools you can use to push yourself to start. One is something I created called the five second rule. So when it's time to go work on that project and you feel like cleaning your room, you're going to count backwards. Five, four, three, two, one. Move.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It actually switches from this part of your brain that's going to make you clean to this part of the brain that's like, go. So that's one thing you can do. The second thing that you can do is this comes from this researcher, psychiatrist dude named Dr. K. He has this big channel on YouTube called The Healthy Gamer. He's way into video gaming addiction.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So if you avoid it, here's what you need to say. I know that this is hard and I don't want to do it, but I'm doing it anyway. Acknowledging that you don't want to do it, believe it or not. actually removes the resistance.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. Because we wrestle in our brains instead of going, I get it. I don't want to do it. I'm still fucking doing it. And then the final thing I would say about this is don't look for a big block of time. I have this practice called the hot 15 and it is find 15 minutes. And I typically do it first thing in the morning to just inch the ball down the field. That's it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
If you can do 15 minutes once a week, you'll get the thing done over the semester.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
We don't want to give you anything else to do. Yeah. Just fucking do what you need to do. Yes.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You don't. Right. Let them think what they're going to think. Let them have their opinions. Let them be uber wealthy. And then let me trust that if the person has chosen me, That's all that matters.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because you're actually dating him, not his parents. Right.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And even more important, don't watch them, watch him. How he treats you when you show up as you is what actually matters. Let him reveal who he is and how he treats you when he's with your family.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
present for all this cool stuff that's happening in your life without losing the edge are you down for this i'm so down okay cool so the first thing i want you to do is i want you as your career's going like this because i'm in this big moment too podcast it's number one in the world move over joe rogan like here comes this 56 year old woman you know hosting this show about improving your life what the fuck is going on and so i want you to imagine that you're on an airplane okay
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I think you know it wasn't the right move, which is why you're writing to us for advice, and that's okay.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so recognizing that you didn't handle that well is, it takes a lot of courage. And your friend did not handle her emotions well because she let it sit for two years and then vomited on you. You have to ask yourself this because you're going to go let them. Let them be emotionally immature. Let me be emotionally immature. Right. Like, give myself some grace. Ask yourself, is this a relationship?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That you really do want to repair. Because the fact that she called you, it comes from hurt. She actually misses you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And doesn't understand why you left. It is so painful when somebody walks out of your life without explanation.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so you have to ask yourself, is this something that A, you want to repair, and And B, you're going to regret ghosting this person. Do you just need to clean it up? And you could do that with a letter. You could do that with a voice memo. You could write an email and say, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. And while it was painful to hear, like it's, you had the right to say it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I would love to talk to you in person and actually clean up the mess that I made. And then let them respond. But you get to choose what you're going to do next. What's the prescription? I don't know what to tell them.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Oh, well, I think you're actually psychologically in a good place because you're not going to slip and say your ex's name and be in trouble.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay, two different issues. Did he lie to you about going to the strip club? Because he's allowed to do what he does with his friends.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That's not the issue. The issue is whether or not he hid it from you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Are you worried that he fucked somebody at the strip club? He's allowed to go to a legal establishment as an adult with his friends.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
No, absolutely not. I think the problem is if somebody lies about it or is shady about it or if you're with somebody that's doing coke and might be screwing somebody in the back room at the strip club. Right. That's a different issue. This is something that somebody is allowed to do. It is legal. The issue, that's your issue, not his.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So that's number one. The second one was, what was the second question?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So she's judging him for doing something that makes her feel insecure. Right. You got to let him live his life and you got to deal with your own insecurity. Right. And now you're trying to punish him and say, oh, you're going to spend it on that that I don't approve of and not spend it on me.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
The actual issue that you're talking about is you don't feel considered by him. Yes. Which is there is something about the fact that he is not operating in a way that makes you feel like a priority. Probably has a lot less to do with money. But now you're picking a fight about it over this thing called the strip club. Right. This is an issue about I don't feel like a priority to you. Right.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because what we, what I used to do when I was like out of control and a walking red flag is I would find one thing like the strip club and I would blow that up into a gigantic thing when the real issue is I just don't feel like I'm a priority.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It's moving 500 miles an hour, which is that what your life feels like?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Let them be who they are. Let them string you along. Let them go to the strip club. And then let me ask myself, is this the table scraps or the relationship I'm looking for? Is this kind of a turnoff to me?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yeah. They're not the problem. You are, if you're accepting this stuff in your life.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
No, seriously. I watched in heartbreak as my oldest daughter would obsess over how she thought her younger sister was prettier, had perfect pitch, had a better body, all the guys flocked to her, has perfect fashion. The other thing that really pissed her off is that Her sister could borrow her clothes because she was skinnier, but she couldn't borrow her sister's clothes.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like fucking infuriating, right? Right. And so... Oh, I'd freak out. Yes. Yeah. So here's the thing. We tend to engage in something called upward comparison.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Which is you look around and see all the people that look shinier and better, and then you compare yourself to them. We don't engage in...
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay, great. The plane can go as fast as you want.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
downward comparison like if you're obsessed with everybody who's skinnier than you that's all you see because the filter in your brain is the for you page right you don't ever look around and go wait a minute i'm actually skinnier than 90 of the people at this bar right and if you're going to compare up you better fucking compare down and actually look at reality
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And you also have to start to learn that other people's wins are not your losses. And comparing yourself to somebody else's fixed attributes, like there is absolutely nothing you can do to change your height. You can't change your family. You can't change your history. You can't change your complexion. You can't change the country you were born into. You can't change the past.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Obsessing over the fact that somebody has a trust fund and you don't doesn't give you a trust fund. It makes you miserable. Everything can be changed through effort and time and attitude. Everything.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You have a different job. Uh-huh. You have to sit in the seat on the plane and you have at least one foot on the ground. And I want you to focus on being in the seat and enjoying the Celsius that you're drinking. Right? And then occasionally you're going to look out the window and you're going to look how fast we're going.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
But the more that you stare at your sister and tell yourself that she's beautiful and you got fucked and life isn't fair and everybody flocks to her and buys her drinks while you stand there like a fucking loser next to her, then the less you're actually going to see the gifts that you have and take advantage of them.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
See, comparing yourself to other people is normal. Comparison isn't the problem. It's what you do with it that matters. And so if you use comparison to torture yourself like you do over height, right, that is just a habit of bashing yourself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
My daughter did the same thing about her metabolism and her sisters and her body versus her sisters and blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah. That is a form of self-torture. At some point, you got to go, life isn't fair. They got the genes. I did not. And I got to look at the cards that I've been dealt. I got to figure out how to play the fucking hand that I have.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And I'm not going to become better at life or be a great card player if all I do is trash myself for the cards that I'm holding. Right. Now, this is where comparison gets interesting.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because you're going to compare yourself to other people, as long as it's not something that's fixed, like height or your history, or maybe you hate the fact that your parents got divorced and your friend has the perfect family, whatever the fuck it is. As long as it's not something like that, comparison is like the coolest thing in the world because other people are never playing against you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I mean, other people are not playing against you. They're playing with you in life. Right. See, you can learn how to play the cards in your hand from other people. Right. You can be a better player in life by learning from other people. Absolutely 99% of the things.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes. So 99% of the things that you want in life, you can actually create through effort and attitude and time. Right. And other people will never block your way. Only you can do that.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Other people can't take what's meant for you. But you can take it away from yourself.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And as long as you're fucking staring at somebody else's hand going, this isn't fair, you will never actually see the gift that is in your own hand and learn how to play it. And when you flip comparison from torturing yourself to actually, what could this teach me? Other people show you the formulas for how you can get anything. You want to be an influencer and you're watching Jake?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
He is showing you the formula every day for what he does. Every fucking day. Instead of sitting there like, well, it's never going to work for me because I'm tall and he's short. You know, right?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Instead of blocking your own hand, fucking let him lead the way.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Let him be successful. Let him be happiness, success, love, friendship. This shit is in limitless supply.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It's there for the creating. But if you're so busy comparing yourself to everybody else and telling yourself that it's never going to happen to you, you will never actually see the truth, which is you could create it too.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
It's the opposite. See, I used to go through life and see somebody else's wins as I'm losing. She has a boyfriend. I won't get one. They got pregnant first. I'm never going to. Their house is renovated. Now my house sucks. They got the new car. Oh, they're getting better. They have this many followers. Now I can't have it. Oh, Jake was the first.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Now I can't be an influencer because all our friends will think I copied him. Of course you copied him. Just like he copied somebody else.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
But your job is to just be in the seat and to enjoy the Celsius and know that it's your life and the career that has the velocity, but the velocity isn't you. Because otherwise years or a couple of years are going to go by and you're gonna be like, I don't remember being on a tour and it'll be funny to everybody else, but it's not going to be funny to you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
We're all following the same formula because formulas work. You make it your own by doing it. And the only reason why people don't follow the formula in life is why I'm afraid you're going to think something about, think something negative while I follow the fucking formula and go after creating the life I want.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I'm going to prescribe the let them theory. You better read that book.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Well, because I would have just dragged it out of you and that would have been painful.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Proud of you. I hope you really absorb this and you take the things that are meant for you and you really cause a shift because you deserve to be happy.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so that's one thing I want you to do. The second thing I want you to do is I'm going to give you a new definition for anxiety.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. And this is coming from somebody who literally, I could tell you the whole story about anxiety, but it's boring. I struggled with it for too long because I didn't know what it was. And I'm going to give you the most simple definition. You ready? Anxiety is just a moment in your life where you feel a little uncertain.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And you then doubt your capacity and capability to handle it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
OCD is about trying to control something because you're triggered by uncertainty or past trauma.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. That's like my, what would happen if you lost everything?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So let's go back to the definition of anxiety, which is a moment where you feel uncertain.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Correct. So anxiety isn't all of this scary shit. anxiety is a very normal moment where you feel uncertain because it's a sign that you're mentally well.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That's a sign that your brain's working correctly, by the way.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because it means you're a responsible business person and you actually want to make a difference and you don't want to offend people. You just like want to entertain people.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
So that's a sign that you're actually mentally healthy, by the way.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Yes, you are, damn it. And so the thing I want to keep coming back to, because this will change your fucking life, is in any moment that's uncertain, if you make the mistake of going up into your head, which I did for 50 years, you go right up in your head and go, fuck, fuck, fuck. What if this? What if that? What if the other thing? Because you feel uncertain.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
You disconnect from the power to face it. So anytime you're up here, you're actually in danger when you're feeling anxious. And I want you to go, oh, wait, I'm just doubting my ability to handle it.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
I got to take a deep breath because right here is where your power is. Right here, you're in your body. Take a deep breath and just go, okay, I actually believe that I can face anything. You know what, even if the shit hit the fan, I'm capable of figuring this out. If you just start to say that as your mantra, I'm capable of figuring this out.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Everything will change because you're not allowing your brain to hijack the moment. And you're saying, no, no, no, no, I get it. This moment feels a little uncertain. I've never gone on a tour. It's a live situation. Don't want to say something that somebody, you know, might be filming.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That's a reasonable thing to be uncertain about, but I actually believe in my ability to handle this. The more you start to say that, the more you will not default to going up here. See, the interesting thing about OCD, and I think the let them theory is really going to help you, is that this is actually a book about control.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
That's what this book is about. And you seem a lot like I was when I was younger, where I...
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
didn't understand that the more i tried to control things that i couldn't control the more anxious and out of control i felt and the hardest thing in life is recognizing that the one thing you'll never be able to control is another person what they do what they think what they say what they feel right never
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And so understanding that what's happening out there and in other people's lives, let them. The second part is going to change your life, Jake, because when you say let me, you remind yourself in life, there's only three things you can control. You can control what you think about something. And that's the whole what if.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
And the other thing I'm going to give to you that I want you to start saying when you guys catch him on the what ifs, be like, what if it all works out, Jake?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
No, seriously. If things don't work out, could you figure it out?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Because the fact that you constantly go upstairs is just what you're used to doing. And I'm telling you, you can teach yourself to start saying things like, well, what if it does work out? Right. I know I'm scared that it's not going to, but what if it does? Because here's the thing. Do you actually know if things are going to work out?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Great. So if you're going to actually presume the negative, then you actually owe it to yourself to also presume the positive because you don't know. And here's what I'm going to tell you why you need to do this. So you need to start presuming the positive because your brain is wired to help you.
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Like nobody gets this. Like every, you know, are you somebody that believes in manifesting?
Therapuss with Jake Shane
Session 60: Mel Robbins
Okay. Well, you got to watch it. You got to watch this because if you constantly go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What if this, what if that, what if the other, you're manifesting what you don't want.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And for those of you that are obsessed with influencer culture and affiliate marketing and all this stuff, I guarantee you, you waste probably 10 hours a week just thinking looking at other people who have built what you want to build. And that is also a recipe for disaster because you will start to convince yourself that they already took it, that you can't do it, and you're looking at it wrong.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
There is a formula to everything. And so here I am at this point in my life where I need money. I still need to pay my bills and pay off my debt. People are starting to ask me to speak. I'm realizing everybody else at every one of these conferences that I'm going to, and I'm off in the little side room, you know, doing my thing, everybody else is getting paid. And so there's always a formula.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And it's your inability to wipe away the excuses and stop comparing yourself and stop talking yourself out of it that keeps you from realizing there's a simple formula for everything. In fact, you are so generous because you put out content that provides a roadmap. You tell the stories from your own career and building your business. And in those stories are takeaways.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You are literally selling advertising and monetizing brand partnerships for podcasts that the person that's listening to this right now listens to. And you share how you do it all the time. And so again, case in point, the problem isn't, I don't know how to do that. Yes, you do. Because there's people like you that put out content that actually teach people how to do it. And that's a gift.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And how sad is it that you know and you see the steps? This was me, by the way. This is why I get so fired up about it. Because every day, just like I see, you probably see people like the person who's listening to us right now, who has in their heart what they want, and they're actively working against themselves. And there's not a single person on the planet that can take anything from you.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Nobody can block your path to success. Only you can do that.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Everything. Absolutely everything. Life is the greatest teacher if you're willing to look at life like one giant lesson. And I choose to believe that absolutely everything that has happened to me is divinely ordered for a reason. Absolutely everything. See, I don't learn what I need to learn when I'm successful and I'm soaring and I'm at the top.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I learn for whatever reasons when I'm at the bottom of the barrel or when I am in a hole or when I am struggling or when things are really hard. I feel like courage and strength and that secret sauce that makes you successful and makes you who you are, those are the things that happen in the hardest moments of your life and they also happen in the smallest moments
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
quietest moments if you're paying attention.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And I'm gonna share some examples for this because first things first, as you're spending time with us together today, I want you to think about the fact that if you stand in the present moment and you look backwards, you can see how absolutely every single thing that has happened to you, good or bad, scary or beautiful, terrorizing or fantastic, every single thing, has led you to this moment.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And that you are never starting from scratch, you are always starting from experience. Because life has tested you, life has taught you, life has prepared you for this exact moment. And I also choose to believe, and this is part of what I believe is my amazing success, is that I choose to believe as I stand in this moment
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
that just like everything in the past has prepared me for where I am now, that this moment is preparing me for where I am going next. And I don't need to know when in the future I'm going to look up and go, oh my God, it was that particular day in Manhattan sitting down with you that I learned X. And that has equipped me for this moment now.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so some of the things that have informed the way that I think about media, the way that I think about my business, because I'm kind of old school, I really think that my business is about one person. It's about the one person that has hit play and that is taking time to listen to this conversation.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And just like when I take a walk with a friend, that my intention is to know that whoever it is that is listening, yes, you right now as you're driving your car, as you're at the gym, that you are the person I'm talking to because I am. And I also know that everything that I'm about to share with you is relevant for somebody that you care about.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so whether you get a tremendous amount out of this or you just feel a little bit better, you know somebody that is going to get something out of this, which means you can use this conversation to strengthen a relationship with somebody. And so I have always approached everything that I do with this sort of how can I help and one person.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And there's small moments in my life that really inform me. And I'm going to share this story because like there's this obsession with virality and monetization and all of this stuff in business, which is important. And another thing that has really helped me is I 1000% believe in full ownership of everything that I do. And so I control everything because I believe in what I do.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
The moment you have an instinct to move, you have to move within five seconds or your brain will kill your motivation to act.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
So why on earth would I give somebody else a meaningful stake when I'm the one doing all the work, when I'm the one that created the five-second rule and created the let them theory? And so why would I not keep control of these things? And why would I trust someone else's authority more than my own to be able to market these things?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Because I also understand digital media, which unlike a printed book, digital media is going to live forever. Everything that you do on social media or on your YouTube channel or all of it is something you can monetize forever. So just like Bruce Springsteen doesn't want to give his catalog of music away, he's going to sell it and have a library that he owns the rights of.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I think about things that I invest my time in now as what do I actually own? Because that is an asset. versus a piece of content that you're singularly monetizing. And so for me, when I look back on my life, there are defining moments and there are surprising moments.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And I'm gonna take you on a quick highlight tour because those defining moments actually explain why I am one of the most intentional people you will ever meet. And I weave it through everything I do in business. So when I was a public defender, my first job, 1994, I graduate from Dartmouth College, then I go to Boston College Law School.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
My first job was as a public defender for the Legal Aid Society. I represented people here in New York City that had been arrested and accused of crimes, and they could not afford an attorney. And I would meet them after they had been arrested and thrown into a jail cell and then transported to 100 Center Street, where they would be held in a cage behind a judge.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And they would be brought into court to be read the charges against them, to be read their constitutional rights, and to be assigned an attorney and to get a constitutionally mandated bail hearing. And I would meet my clients because these are people who could not afford representation.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
My secret to success is very simple. I get out of fucking bed when I don't feel like it. End of story.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
They were assigned by the state because you have a constitutional right to be represented in a court of law by a licensed attorney. And I would walk back behind the judge and I would meet my client for the very first time. in that setting. They were behind bars and I had a little folder that had the complaint from the police. And if they had ever been in trouble before, I had a history of that.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
If they hadn't, there wouldn't be that. And that was it. And so that experience taught me a number of things. First of all, it taught me that no matter the circumstances under which you meet somebody, that I choose to believe in the innate worthiness of human beings. I do. I choose to treat people with dignity. And I choose to see bigger possibilities
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
for everybody, no matter what circumstances I may meet you in. And one of the things that hit me in my heart is that when we would go out and it was time for my client that I was representing to be charged, formally charged, part of that arraignment hearing is a bail hearing.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And one of the things that the courts consider is obviously the charges against you and the severity of them, your history, some of your life story, but the big one is also ties to the community. I cannot tell you how many times we would walk out into that courtroom in 1994, 95, and 96, and nobody would be there. no one, over and over and over again.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And it just killed me that in one of the scariest times in a person's life, no one was there. And I have never, ever, ever forgot what that felt like. And I have made it a mission, my mission to show up
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
for people, whether that means that I'm leaving a public bathroom and I take a moment and thank the human being that is cleaning the public bathroom, because that's a job where you feel invisible, or it is truly apologizing and thanking people for their patience when I'm late,
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Yes. You're never going to get what you want if you don't begin. And if you don't know what you want, here's how you figure that out. There's one thing in life you can never control. It's other people. The Let Them Theory is the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered. It is a simple mindset tool that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so that has informed me about how I want to treat people and how I want people to experience me, that I'm the kind of person that actually cares and that sees something bigger for you. No matter where you are, no matter what you've done, no matter what circumstances you face, I believe in the extraordinary possibilities that you have, because I understand something.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I understand that your past is not your fault. I understand that if you aren't doing well, it's not a matter of willpower, it's a matter of skill building. And I also believe that absolutely everybody, if you focus on your mindset, if you focus on your actions, if you focus on how you process your emotions, that absolutely anybody can do better and be better and feel better.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And the other thing that that experience taught me is just that it's the simplest things that people remember. And this is a marketing message, okay? The more complicated you make things, the less likely anybody is going to do it. the more intellectual you are. You know what, you're communicating when you're intellectual that I think I'm smarter than you.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Yes, right? And so I'm obsessed with making things simple. And so these are core values about really showing up in a way that people feel seen, that people know that you believe in them, that people know that you respect their time, that people know that I see the possibility in you because I do see it. This isn't just some bullshit that I say. I actually believe it.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
The other thing that really struck me is another moment. So there was this whole thing that happened when I started speaking, that when I first started speaking, I thought, okay, if you're in the speaking business and somebody is paying you a ridiculous amount of money to stand on a stage, you better be dressed nicely.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so even though it was like at a time, and so I'm talking probably like 2015, 2014, something like that, I start getting paid. And I'll never forget this. I was at the MGM in Vegas and I was speaking for Remax and there were like 8,000 people in the audience. And it was one of the biggest speeches that I was ever going to give at the time, of course.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so I, at the time, was dressing like a news anchor. So I would wear heels. You look beautiful today. Normally, I look not so pulled together. But so I would look great on a stage. So I'm in heels, which I never wear, so I can't walk in them very well. And I'm wearing a dress.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And what happened is I have terrible ADHD, and I get to Vegas, and it turns out when I open up my suitcase at 7.30 in the morning, I have left my high heels in a hotel room in Miami. And what I have in my suitcase are Birkenstocks. Oh, no. And these sparkly high tops. That's it. And I have tech check in 20 minutes. Most people would have stress diarrhea and then just derail the situation.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And here's how you use it. There's two steps. That's step one.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And I'm like, fuck it. Okay, I guess we're going with the high tops because we're not wearing Birkenstocks on this stage. And remember how I said that your life is always teaching you and it's either in the struggles or it's in these quiet little moments. So I get backstage and when you're backstage speaking at a big event,
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's very dark and there's like a whole city behind the stage of people in production and everybody's dressed in all black and there's equipment everywhere and tables everywhere and cables everywhere. And then there's all this tenting that is the back of the stage and you're kind of walking around and it's hard to see.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And normally, especially if it's like eight o'clock in the morning in Vegas, for crying out loud, and you're speaking at a massive corporate conference for Remax, the client was, and I was going to give a speech about the five second rule. Everyone's tired. So I walk back there and they're miking me up for the tech check that we're going to do before 8,000 people come into the MGM.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And one of the older guys dressed in all black, he's got a graying beard. He turns, he's like, cool kicks. And it was the first time that anyone backstage, even though I was super nice and friendly and not dramatic at all and not high maintenance, it was the first time anybody had ever commented like that. And that was this small moment that I was like, take note.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Yes. Why are we so hardwired for control to begin with? Because if you're in control, then you feel safe. But the problem is...
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so then I go up on stage and as I walked on stage, I felt different. And that was a small moment that was like, take note.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And normally if you're a woman who's presenting, most people, whether it's male, female, they, everybody, when a woman walks on stage, if you're too pretty, if your heels are too high, most people kind of cross their arms and are like, this bitch thinks she looks better than the rest of us. And there's a distance that happens because you're focused on what you look like.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And you're focused on presenting yourself in a way that is,
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
projecting something well god when i walked on stage in these stupid high tops that are all sparkly and this dress that didn't match and my dumb glasses people were like what is this like and so there was an open arm thing and so typically it would take me like five to ten minutes and a couple laughs to get to that point in a speech that i call i'd have a cup of coffee with her moment
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
which is now somebody's listening and enjoying instead of judging. Take note. And from that moment on, couple things. Number one, in any industry that you're in, being able to be excellent at the thing is the minimum requirement. the minimum requirement. You shouldn't be on a stage if you're not excellent. You shouldn't be charging people if you're not excellent.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You need to take pride in your performance, which means you need to practice. This is my opinion. I'm going to let you do whatever you want, but really don't hang your hat on the fact that you're fantastic at the thing they're paying you to do. You want to be exceptional? Be fucking fantastic at the things no one pays you to do.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
What made me an extraordinary force on the corporate circuit and what has earned me extraordinary amounts of money is, yes, there is, in my opinion, almost no one better. I don't know of anyone better on stage. And I'm sure there's extraordinary people out there, but I will claim that for myself for sure. Category of one of one when it comes to what I do.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
But I know for sure there's no one better when it comes to what I do offstage. Because I learned very quickly that it's the little things that you do that make people feel taken care of, that then make people want to work with you, that make people want to hire you. And I'll give you a simple example.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
When I was doing 115 speeches a year, Starbucks, JP Morgan, Microsoft, like on and on and on and on from one event to the other event to this event to that event, 30,000 people, 100 people with a CEO retreat, this one. Every time I landed in a new city, I would always text the event planner Not the CEO, not the person that hired me.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I would text the event planner a fun selfie of me getting off the plane. I'm here. Thank you. Excited to see you. And you know what that did? That immediately made the person who is responsible for tracking me and who is responsible for managing a million things love me because I just took one thing off their list and made their job easy. And when you do that, guess what people do?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
They hire you again. They recommend you. And people are obsessed with the people up here when you need to be amazing with the people that serve the people up here. Because those are the folks that have the power. Those are the ones that get everything done. And it is the exact same principle if you want to grow a social media audience. It's responding to comments.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's actually tracking your name or your brand and going to their account and responding. That is the exact same thing that I was doing in person in the speaking business. And so those are examples of how there are little things that I'm obsessive about. Like everybody in my company on a production day actually wears name tags. Because I used to host a daytime talk show.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I've been at a bazillion events. It's impossible to remember people's names. Yeah. And so when you walk into 143 Studios in downtown Boston, you're going to walk into 25 people. We're going to stand up and welcome you together. Everybody has a name tag. Why? Because I want you to feel at ease. I want you to feel comfortable. I want the people that work for me to feel seen and recognized.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
When you're done with the podcast and we walk out, you get a standing ovation because we're grateful that you're here. And so every tiny little thing I do is with intention on making a particular type of impact. And so there are stages to this. I mean, first, you got to get started. Second, you got to learn how to just keep going because the other thing that is a skill is stamina.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I believe that success is as much about not quitting as anything else. As anything else. And it may surprise you to learn that with this book, The Let Them Theory, this is truly the first time that I've had a major moment in terms of the normal press cycle.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I have a lot of friends because I'm in mastermind groups and you actually represent and sell ads and do brand partnerships for a lot of my friends. And that's another thing I'm going to tell you that has been a secret to success. And it's that the very people you're competing against should be your closest friends. It's so true. Why do you believe that's true?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
That and I think it's true at any level. We're just so insecure. when we're getting started that we don't think we have anything to offer. And the truth is your family has no idea what you're doing. Your friends don't understand what you're doing. And the people that you think you're competing with are the only people on the planet that get it.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so the very people that you're distancing yourselves from should be your closest allies because otherwise you are going to feel alone. Because your family's not in this business, so they don't understand the stress. Your friends don't share the same aspirations, so they don't know what you're going through. But the people at your same level, this is your squad because they get it.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And honestly, that's why I'm so excited about the let them theory and the things that I'm talking about now, because for far too long, For far too long, I would look at people that I admired, like Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes and Jenna Kutcher and Amy Porterfield and Trent Shelton, and I would go, oh, oh, well, they've already done a podcast. I guess I can't do one. Or they're super successful.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
They're in competition with me. And what I have learned too late, I'm so happy I understand this. And I'm thrilled for you as you're listening to us to really embrace what I'm about to tell you. Success is in limitless supply. Happiness, friendship, all of these things, money, Lamborghinis, they're in limitless supply. No other human being is blocking your way. In fact, they're leading the way.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And if you have a insecure and jealous and competitive and comparison attitude, you will turn other people into the biggest excuse for why you can't do what you need to do. And it is a joke because there's only one person that can actually block your way and it's you. And so learning how to let other people be successful
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
and let other people be rich and let other people figure it out and let them get engaged and let them have babies and let them have a million dollars in the bank and let them do this and let them do that. You're just letting them lead the way.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
So I put up a video, gosh, it was like 18 months ago. And I basically was sharing about something I had just stumbled on because I was being a micromanaging parent at my son's prom. And my middle daughter was home from college. And you know, like when your mom's being like super annoying.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And you're like, God damn, geez, mom. I was getting like that. Well, we've all been there, right? And it's just her stupid side. And my daughter reaches out and grabs my arm and yanks me towards her and says, mom. Stop it. You're being so annoying. Let them, let them, let them run in the rain. Let them eat where they want. Let them do this. And she just kept saying, let them, let them, let them.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And it was weird. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Why am I worried about this? Why am I stressing about this? And for the next couple of days, anytime somebody was pissing me off or annoying me, or I saw somebody do something online that made me feel jealous, or somebody did something that made the guilt rise up, I just started saying, let them.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Standing in line at a store and there's five people in front of you, beep, beep, beep. There's only one cashier. No one's coming to the other lines. How do you feel in that moment?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Yeah. And then what do you do?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You think you can run the grocery store better than the people running it, uh-huh. And all along while that's happening, do you know what's happening? You're actually allowing something to drain your life force.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
and you are wasting time, and you are allowing something that's out of your control to steal your time and energy and blind you to the fact that even in moments where you feel stressed out or hurt or you're worried or you're scared, that there is always something in your control. And what's in your control is never out there, ever. There's one thing in life you can never control.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's other people. You can't control what they think. You can't control what they do. You can't control the timeline upon which they change, if they change at all. You can't control if they're going to love you. You cannot control another human being, and yet we try. And it's the greatest source of frustration in your life.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
But if you turn it back, you'll see there's three fingers always pointing back at you when you point at somebody else, because there are three things that are always in your control. You can always control what you think about what's happening. You can always control what you choose to do or not do. And you can always control how you process your emotions.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Whether you will let them just run you over and then you send that text or have you ever crafted one of those emails like single space and it's like super long and you take like 90 minutes and you're like, send.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
That never solves anything. You always get to choose how you respond. And that's how you take responsibility for your life. Let's talk about responsibility. It's the ability to respond. That's what taking responsibility means.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
What'd you do?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's a great example. And being hurt because you're not included is a sign that you're mentally well. It's what you do with that that dictates your experience of life. And like you, all too often when I have either been left out of something or people don't even think of me because I haven't been around, because I've been busy building a business, so why would they think of me?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Or if it's when I see somebody else succeeding and then I feel sorry for myself, right? Feeling those things is normal. It's what you do next that matters. So the let them theory is the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered. I'm so excited for you to implement this. Seriously, I am a changed human being. I've never felt more peaceful and powerful. So what is the let them theory?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It is a simple mindset tool that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control. And here's how you use it. There's two steps.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Anytime that you are in a situation where you're starting to feel stressed out or you're starting to get pissed off or you're hurt or you're annoyed or you're getting clingy or you're becoming a victim or you're feeling the rage come up, you're going to say, let them. That's step one. When you say let them, you detach from what's happening and you recognize that
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
that I can't control this person, what they think, say, or do, or feel, or I can't control what's happening with traffic right now. So I am going to let them. And when you say let them, a couple of things happen. First of all, you get this rush of superiority because it's like you're going, I see what's happening and I value my time and energy.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And I know I'm not going to waste it trying to manage this situation or allowing this person or this situation to impact me negatively. I'm going to let them. And so it's amazing because you detach. And then the second step is you say, let me. And this is the most powerful part because this is where you take your power back.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
When you say, let me, you then remind yourself that there's always something in your control. And what's always in your control are the three things. I can choose what to think about this. I can choose how to respond to this or not. And I can choose what I'm gonna do with my emotions. And the uses are just endless because we live in a moment in time where everything feels out of control.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And people are stressed out and people are acting in really inconsiderate and dismissive ways. And people are super emotionally immature. Let them, because so are you. We all are right now. And when you say let them, it's not like an F you. It's really about giving people grace and space and also putting up a boundary and reminding yourself it's not your job to make people happy.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's not your job to manage other people's stress. It's not your job to make sure that everybody's expectations are met. It's not your job to run a grocery store. Your job is to focus on taking actions that really align with your values and your priorities. And your job is to think in a way that makes you feel good. I'll give you a quick example.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
We were in an elevator this morning and the thing got stuck between the 11th and 12th floor. I was in there for 50 minutes. And the fire department had to come, but it was a good 15 minutes before anybody came to do anything. And I sat there on the floor of that elevator and I kept saying, let them, let them take a long time. Let them figure this out.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And let me remind myself that the only thing I can control right now is just staying calm and sitting on the floor and thinking that this is going to be okay. Let them. And it worked. And so in your business, let's just take everybody that listens to you, right? Yeah. I want you to think about that moment where you are posting something on social media.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And you go and you pick the reel or you pick the photo, right? And then what do you do? Then you're like, oh, should it be that? Should it be this? And then you put a filter on and then you take the filter off and then you size it. And it's one thing to do this because you have a business strategy and you're thinking about your business strategy. It's another thing to do this.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I'm so excited to talk to you.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And then when you start to write the caption, you're like, is this too much? Should I put an emoji? Is that CTA? And then you start to question for who? For who? Before you even post something, what are you doing? You're giving power to what other people are going to think and do in response to what you're about to post. And by the way, you have no control over what they think and do in response.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so instead of managing it, I have a different approach. Let them think something negative. Let them unfollow you. Let them judge you. Let them roll your eyes because I got news for you. You need to use the let me part. Let me remind myself that my social media is for me. My social media is for my business. My social media is my self-expression.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's not for my family or my freaking friends from college or my brother or my sister. My social media is for me. Let me express myself. Let me market my business. Let me show up and put this reel out, even though I'm kind of nervous. Feeling nervous about something that you care about is a sign that you care about it. It's not a sign that things aren't going to go well.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so by saying let them, it's extraordinary what's happened in my life.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Absolutely. So it's going to be a dance because you're never going to get rid of the need of trying to control things. It is a hardwired survival instinct. And it kind of makes sense, right?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Because if you're in control of what you're thinking and you're in control of your decisions and you're in control of your environment and you're in control of your spending and you're in control of your marketing platform and your strategy that you're doing, then you feel safe. You feel confident. You feel good. Here's the problem.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
That if you do something that makes me worried or upset, guess what? Now I feel like I'm out of control. And here's where we make the mistake. I then go to try to control you. But the problem is you have a hardwired need to be in control of yourself too. And so I go to push against you, which means you're hardwired to push back because you are wired to control what you're doing.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And this is one of the biggest things that you're going to learn in reading the Let Them Theory, just using it in your life, is that pushing other people and expecting other people to change, trying to motivate other people to change, it actually doesn't create change. It creates resistance to change.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
There is one thing on this planet you will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control, and that's whether or not another person changes. Because people only change when they're ready to change. And people only are ready to change when they're ready to do the very hard work to change. And this presents another problem.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And see, I've been working against the fundamental wiring of human beings for 54 years. It was learning to say let them and let me that taught me how to work with change. the laws of human nature and with brainwire. Let's just talk about how people change. Okay. We are hardwired to move toward what's easy. Hardwired. It's why we sit on the couch instead of going to the gym.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's why you sit and watch other people's content instead of posting your own. Because if it were easy to do it, everybody would have a million dollars. And that's why you got to learn how to take action even when it feels hard. See, nobody gets sober until being drunk is harder than doing the work to change because it takes work. And we know this.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And yet when we're looking at somebody and we're like, you're not working hard enough. Why aren't you getting better grades? How come you haven't gotten a better job? Why haven't you started this business? We forget. that if it were easy, they'd already be doing it. And so the let them theory and saying, let them, let them struggle. Let them be unmotivated. Let them judge your choices.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Let them be confronted by the fact that you're now super interested in fitness and entrepreneurship. And they're questioning why you don't drink all the time. Let them. And then let me remind myself that I get to choose what's a priority for me. And so you will start to learn that the more time you spend expecting other people to change, the more frustrated you're going to be.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And the more that you say let them and you learn to let people be who they are and let them have their questions and let them change on their own timeline and let them not be interested in the same things that you're interested in. Learn how to love people exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't. the better your relationships are gonna get.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's really so simple and it's beautiful because it creates space where the people in your life get to be who they are and you get to focus on yourself, not like you're out of my life, but as a responsible adult. And the let me part is all about you taking responsibility for acting in a way that you value. So let me talk about another thing that happens a lot in business.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
So as you're growing your business, you're going to start to find conflict between what your friends and family want you to do and what your business partners want you to do. And a lot of people really start to struggle when they feel like business partners are disappointed that you can't show up at something or your family or friends are disappointed that you're not around as much.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You need to say, let them. Let them be disappointed. And here's why. Isn't it a wonderful thing if your business partner's disappointed that you can't show up for something? Doesn't that mean they want you there? I mean, we're so afraid of it, and yet what's the alternative? I don't want her there. She's like horrible. Same thing with your parents or your friends.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Well, I really appreciate you acknowledging the difference that the five-second rule and that countdown technique, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, move. how it helped you, but I want to say back to you, you have to keep the credit because you did the work. No, I'm serious. It is easy to talk about motivation. It's easy to give people advice.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
If you're not able to show up because you've been just focused on entrepreneurship, let them be disappointed. It means they love you and they wish you were there. That doesn't mean you have to change.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Let them be bad. Let them get fired? First of all, you can't control them. So you need to let them reveal who they are. But then here comes the hard part in business. Let me be honest with myself. Have I actually been clear about my expectations? Probably not. Have I explained what I think the outcome is that is successful? Probably not. Probably not.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Am I micromanaging everybody because I don't explain what I want and the outcomes that you can measure success by? And since I have not done that, I constantly question everybody.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
So I swoop in and I micromanage, which only trains your team that you don't trust them, which makes your team feel like they can't make a decision because you're going to come in and override everything anyway, which creates paralysis in your organization.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
If you have a failing employee, it is usually because you have broken process or you have unclear communication and expectations, or there is a missing skill set in the seat and they're in the wrong seat. And unless you as the leader take full responsibility for your part, which most entrepreneurs, most entrepreneurs are the shittiest operators on the planet. I happen to be one of them.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You are in entrepreneurship because entrepreneurship is artistry. It's creation. That is not the same thing as rhythm, systems, and operations, and clear communication. In fact, it's the opposite. And so your energy and your talent will create something. And then you will realize that you've created something and have zero systems and zero standard business operating principles.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You have no outcomes and key results that you're measuring. And so people don't know what success looks like. And if you only measure success based on dollars in the bank or the number of views on a podcast episode, that is something you cannot control. You have to, as the leader, let me take responsibility for my job, which is to actually create an environment where people can succeed.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And if people don't have clear outlines of what they own, if they don't have clear outlines of what is going to make them successful, and if they don't have the freedom, let them, to execute against that in the way that actually gives them self-expression, they will hate working for you and your business will not do as well as it can. It always comes back to you.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so, yes, let them reveal that they're not doing a good job, but then instead of doing this, they suck. first say, do I suck? Because chances are you do. And I definitely do. If I am not behind a microphone or creating content or doing business development, which by the way, is a form of creating content and artistry, because everything that I do is about expansion and intention.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
If I'm not doing one of those three seats, I'm not in the right seat in my business. And I am the problem. The business, my folks that work for me, they're not the problem. I'm the problem. And so I choose as the leader that my business coach, David Gerbitz, always says, leaders bring the weather. And if you have a stressed out and a panic emergency type situation, Culture, that's because of you.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's easy to tell the person who's spending time with us together today, our stories and the things that work for us, but knowledge is cheap and it's free. And if you don't know how to achieve your goals, go to Google, Type in, how do I do this? And AI will spit it out and then say, what does a day in the life of somebody who's launching this and successfully in five weeks look like?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You bring the rain or you bring the sun. And by the way, your energy and whether or not you take the time to make sure people feel supported and to make sure they know the things they're doing right and to give them the tools and the skills that they need to succeed on the things that aren't going well. If you don't do that, then you're not a good leader.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Great, then let them knock it up to speed and then let me give very direct feedback quickly. And don't dance around it with the positivity sandwich. The way you have that is directly with respect. You basically say, this is not gonna be a fun conversation. And I was hoping that things were gonna go very differently. And I have very high standards.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And this is a 19 word sentence that you're gonna steal that has been researched at Yale and Harvard. It's called the magic sentence, 19 words. I have very high expectations for this team and I believe you can meet them and that's why I'm going to tell you this feedback. And then you tell them the feedback and you let them. Because what somebody does with that feedback, that's what they control.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You actually having the courage to deliver feedback. See, I actually think it's cruel to not tell somebody.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
They're not performing.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Well, it's not about them. Do you want to be in an organization where people think you suck and they talk about you in a conference room? Of course not. So why would you do that to somebody and not address it? People know when they're not thriving.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
In fact, I personally believe the hardest working person in the company is the one who's not doing well because they're in conflict with themselves and they know it. And you are either the kind of leader who has this bullshit, toxic male kind of mentality of, you know, or you take responsibility as a leader to create an environment in which people can thrive.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And if people are not doing well and they're not meeting expectations before you start barking about or labeling people, which is toxic behavior on your part, take a moment and ask yourself critically, let me ask myself, have I actually explained the outcomes that measure success? Have I actually explained what I expect?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Have I actually given somebody all the information that they need in order to succeed? Do I even know what skills are required for this job? Or am I just throwing somebody into the fire and then judging the shit out of them when they can't get the job done? Because if you can't answer those questions for yourself, then you're not the good leader and no one's gonna succeed in that role.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And look, there are times where people overestimate their qualifications and then they get in a seat and they don't have the skills. Let them, let them. And don't overcompensate and fix everything and step in and solve the problems. Let people fail because if you don't, you won't see where there's process missing. You won't see where there's a skill level missing.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And you won't see where you actually are the issue because you haven't created an environment for people to succeed.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I personally feel, and this goes with people in your life that are struggling too, absolutely anybody can get better. And what's needed is the belief that you can. And just a simple roadmap of what you need to do. And so at work, what often happens is that people start to feel very discouraged because you know when you're not a person that people go to on the team. You know when things feel off.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You know when you're getting passed over. You know when people... micromanage you. And you know when people don't actually trust your work. And so I personally think that person can still do incredible work in the right environment. And at the end of the day, feeling like somebody believes in your ability to get better creates the space for you to get better.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
There's your map. But that's the easy part. The hard part is making yourself do it, particularly on the days when you don't feel like it. And so I want to acknowledge you for the fact that you both grab the knowledge and then you put it into action. And that's what makes you different. That is what explains my success.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
If somebody has the respect for you to say, I'm going to give you this feedback and this isn't going to be a fun conversation, not my favorite thing to talk about, but I'm doing it because I actually have high standards for this team and I believe you can hit them. To me, that's you saying, I see you. We both know you're not meeting the standards here. And what else did I say?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I think you can meet them. This team is special. Now I'm appealing to your desire to succeed. I'm appealing to the potential that you know is inside you. I choose to believe that people do well when they can. And if somebody in your team or in your family or in your life isn't doing well, then it's because there's something missing that's making it so they can't. And it's almost never willpower.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's usually something small. It's usually just clearer communication or identifying the skill that would be helpful or partnering them with somebody so that you create an environment where they can succeed. And people also need to feel enough space and acceptance and dignity so that you feel like the change is your idea, not that it's getting shoved down your throat.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Because nobody wants to change if they know that you're going to say, see, I told you so. And that's a critical part of this, that when you say let them, You're not allowing people to fail. You're actually creating the space for somebody to succeed. But the first step is that you have to give people the space and the honesty to make it their decision.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And the other thing that the let them theory is not is it's not allowing somebody to walk all over you. It's not allowing somebody to treat you poorly because you're already doing that. When you say let them, you detach and you see somebody probably for the first time exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't. And you stop doing something.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You stop making excuses and you stop living in the fantasy and the potential and you actually live in the reality. As I'm going through this phase of this next leveling up in my business, I realize it's on me to level up my expectations of myself. It's on me to get clearer in my communication. It's on me to focus on what's truly important and delete everything that's not.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Because another huge thing in business is that if everything's important, nothing is. And you cannot allow someone else's emergencies to become your emergency. You cannot allow somebody else's priority to become your priority. Everything that somebody else is asking of you in business is an opportunity. But you have to get out of reactive mode and get into responding mode.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Because it's only in doing that that you will actually be intentional and focused and you will truly be strategic about what actually deserves your time and what doesn't. Because not everything in business does.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You are listening to this right now and spending time with us because you actually want to achieve big goals. So I know that about the person that is listening and choosing to spend time listening to this. But I'm going to tell you something. This conversation that you're about to listen to means shit if you don't actually convert it to action. And that's what we're going to talk about.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Let them. Let them. Because all that time and energy and power that you're giving to other people, as soon as you say, let them, and then you say, let me, you actually take that power back and you start to protect your time and energy. And that's what you need to be profitable and successful.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Saying no. It's way more important to say no. Because every time you say no, you're actually saying yes to what matters.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
You can find me right here in this conversation right now. And one of the most important things you can do is take this conversation and send it to somebody that you care deeply about because you know you feel inspired. You know you got tools.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And one of the best things that you can do to build your relationships and connections, which you need in business and you need for profit and you need to be successful, is to actually be generous. And so be generous with the information that you just got today because it will make a difference in somebody else's life.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I'm really proud of you. Thank you. Congratulations for everything that you do and for the lives that you impact and the difference that you're making. Thank you.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Tools, but then it's going to be to you to take the baton and go.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Oh my gosh, yes. So just to put a little back step on this, this would have been 2011. So I'm basically your grandmother now, if you think of this being however many years ago, over a decade ago. Ted was not a thing. Ted was some secret thing that fancy people went to in Seattle. They weren't even online. And so I get asked by a friend if I would give a speech about career change.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And she said, look, a friend of mine is putting on some event in San Francisco, and they're looking for somebody to talk about career change, Mel. And I immediately thought about you. And look, I don't think that's a compliment if... I'm the first person that you think of because it means I've bounced from one career to another, which I had. And she said, here's the catch.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
They're offering you two plane tickets and two nights at the St. Regis. And at the time, my husband and I were $800,000 in debt because his pizza restaurant was failing and like complete idiots, we had secured it with our life savings, our house, our credit cards, everything. And so when you're that in debt, Do you know what two tickets and two nights in a hotel sounds like?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
That sounds like a free vacation. So I said yes. And the only time I had ever given a speech was in class in high school during a public speaking course. So I said yes so fast. I wasn't even imagining a huge auditorium and that I would have to get up in front of, I don't know, 500 people and talk.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And when I stepped on that stage, they do not prepare you, or at least they didn't back then, the way they probably do now. It was sort of like, here you go, here's your topic, go. And if you watch my TED Talk, which now has, I don't know, 33 million views, you will notice a minute into that thing,
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
that I have one of those neck rashes that people get when they've had too much to drink and they're like really blotchy because I was having a complete panic attack. I'm darting around the stage. I'm talking all over the place. And near the end of the speech, I forgot how to end it. And that was one of the defining moments of my life. And there's a theme about defining moments in my life.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I don't know what your defining moments are like, but mine usually involve embarrassment, too much alcohol, bankruptcy, desperation, panic attack. And in that moment when I froze, I couldn't remember what to say. And so I all of a sudden blurted out this thing, the five second rule, which you know, which you follow, which I'm sure the person listening knows this little motivation hack.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And I'd never shared it with anybody. And I couldn't think what else to say. And I just went, oh, there's this thing I do. I call it the five second rule. The moment you have an instinct to move, you have to move within five seconds or your brain will kill your motivation to act. I walked off that stage and I thought that was it. And that was not it.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
That was the beginning of something extraordinary.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Yes.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Correct.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's a great question. And as you're listening to this conversation, whether you're in a car or you're at the gym or you're watching us on YouTube, there is something that you want to do in life, whether it's launching a business or becoming an influencer or monetizing social or building a YouTube following or publishing books, or maybe it's starting your own podcast.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I don't know what that thing is. Maybe you want to become a touring musician. Maybe you want to start a fashion line. There is something in your heart. Maybe you want a Lambo. I don't know. It's your goals. Whatever it is that you want, I'm here to tell you that you do not need anybody's permission and you do not need to have it all figured out.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
In fact, you're never going to have it all figured out. And every single day that you talk yourself out of beginning or taking one step forward is a day that you're keeping yourself locked in a prison of your own making. Because if you know something that you want, how dare you withhold it from yourself? How dare you talk yourself out of it?
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
How dare you sit there and spend more time and energy manufacturing excuses and worrying about what other people think? You get one life. And no one is coming to save you. No one is coming to do the work for you. Nobody is going to pick you from obscurity and make you a star. Nobody is going to build the business that you want to build.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And while you're sitting there drinking with your buddies, bitching about your current job, or you are sitting there telling yourself, I don't know what to do. Your whole life is waiting for you. There's literally a door right in front of you that is waiting for you to reach out and freaking turn the knob and open it. And I'm going to tell you something. My secret to success is very simple.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I get out of fucking bed when I don't feel like it. End of story. And if the five second rule taught me anything, it's this. You will never feel ready to do the work. You will never feel like you are capable of achieving what you want. You will never, ever, ever feel like it's your right to say this.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And so you have to learn the skill of doing the actions that are aligned with your values, your character, and your dreams when you don't feel like it. And that's a skill. And every one of us sits around. I used to sit around and wait to be motivated. Motivation is complete and utter garbage because it's never there when you need it.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And I even hate all this bullshit out there now about discipline and willpower. Yeah. Forget it. You can actually feel lazy and exhausted and unmotivated. And you can still do it. And sitting around waiting for the feeling to strike you, that is a recipe that will lead you to your deathbed.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And you'll be one of those people that they study that say, oh man, my biggest regret is I didn't let myself die. be myself. I never went for the things that I wanted to do. I was so worried about what my dad thought or my mom thought or my friends thought that I never started.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And if you don't start now because you say you're not ready or you're not qualified or whatever, then the next excuse is going to be, well, I should have started then and now I'm too late. And then the next excuse is going to be, well, I'm too old or I have kids or I have a mortgage or I have this or I have that or I have people that depend upon me or I've been in this job for 10 years. And so I
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
It's all bullshit. It's all something you manufactured in your own head. And I get fired up about it because it's sad. You don't have to be like this. You don't have to live your life like this. You do not have to let your mother's opinion dictate what you do.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
Well, I think there's also something else that happened. When everything started to build for me, and again, this goes to the point where the first skill is starting because you're never going to get what you want if you don't begin. So you have to actually commit to starting. And there's a very simple way you do it. You just get clear about what you want.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And if you don't know what you want, here's how you figure that out. Just say, I don't want what I have. Literally, if you don't know what direction to point, just know, well, where I am is not it. So I need to take a look at where I am and the way that I go through my day, and I need to reverse it or do the opposite or make a change because that's gonna pivot you in a different direction.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
And I truly believe that you're one decision away from a completely different life. That doesn't mean you achieve the success that you want with one decision. It means that with one decision, and for me, that decision was getting out of bed when I didn't feel like it. Getting out of bed when I was $800,000 in debt.
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
getting out of bed and going for a run, even though I didn't feel like it and it was snowing and it's not gonna make a dent in the debt and the fear that I have, but it's gonna make me know that no matter what's going on around me, I can five, four, three, two, one, still do something that reminds me that I'm still in control in small ways. And so for me, when the TED Talk took off,
Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | Human Behavior | E329
I didn't write a business plan. I didn't. I just started having people say, hey, Mel, will you come speak? And then when I figured out that everybody else was getting paid, first of all, I felt like the world's biggest flipping idiot.