Mel Robbins
Appearances
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
The more that I let them and I just drop this obsession with controlling things around me or having an opinion about it, which is a way of controlling, the more control I feel. And so I put out a reel and just, it was like 60 seconds. I was like, if your friends are going out to lunch without you, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If you throw a birthday party and a bunch of people come and all the popular people leave early to go do their own thing, let them. Why? Because when you let them, you are allowing adults to be adults and you are allowing people to reveal who they are. And that's really important because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And when you can give up control and you can let adults be adults, Jamie, and there's a bunch of rules that I can now teach you about what we get wrong about relationships. But when you let adults be adults, because number one, you cannot make another adult do anything they don't want to do, period. and you think you can, and it's not true. Adults only do what they feel like doing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
The second thing, there is nothing you can do to make another adult change. Why? Rule number one, adults only do what adults feel like doing. This is why you cannot make somebody get sober. This is why you cannot want somebody's dreams for them more than they want it for themselves. This is why you can't get somebody to be nicer or get somebody to work harder. Why?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because adults only do what adults feel like doing. And you can't do anything to change someone. Here's another thing you can't make adults do. You cannot make another adult like you. You cannot make another adult love you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
and you are wasting too much time and energy presuming that people are gonna love you the same way that you love them or presuming that there is some different way that you can show up or do or text in a certain cadence and twist yourself in knots so that somebody else likes you, think about the time and energy that you're wasting there, especially when you really grasp the truth
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
that adults only do what adults feel like doing. And this is the real power of the let them theory. When you let somebody else live their life, you have to look in the mirror and you have to confront where you are in your life. And if your friends are not inviting you to lunch, it is not their responsibility to include you. Your life, your friendships, your happiness, your responsibility.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Are you crying?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
You're crying already. Yes. You're crying already. Because, um...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And if it bothers you that much, instead of sending that passive aggressive text, I saw you guys having lunch, would have been nice to have been included, or bitching about them to other people, How about you look in the mirror and you say to yourself, well, if I actually want friendships like that, maybe I should plan the lunch. Maybe these people aren't my friends after all.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And if I want friendships that feel good, it's my job to create it. And what part of myself do I have to confront in order to take responsibility for creating what I want? See, nobody else is responsible for the life that you want. You have to create it. And the more time you waste going, oh, but my friends, oh, but my boss, oh, but my this, the less likely you're going to do it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
That's a let them theory.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I mean, everybody listening knows somebody. that has been in that category of struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling, and you try everything you possibly can. And your life then becomes about rescuing that person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And I'm not here to say that you just throw your hands in the air. I'm here to say there's a huge difference. between offering support and taking responsibility for somebody else's healing. And at some point,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
the person who needs the healing, or the person who needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves, or the person who needs to confront their addiction and their patterns, they have to take responsibility for wanting to change. And you wanting it more for them won't make it happen. It's true, but I'm just here to tell you the reality. The reality is adults only do what adults feel like doing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And you can't make somebody else change. You can help somebody by letting them know how you feel and how their behavior hurts you. You can let somebody know the support that you're going to give. You can let people know your boundaries. I'm not saying it's easy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Or confronting. Or confronting. Because we'd rather make Mel Robbins a bitch than actually look in the mirror and say, where can I own my own role in this? And where can I find my power? It's easier to blame the messenger than to look in the mirror and say, what can I take responsibility for? Nowhere did I say you're at fault. Fault is a very different word than responsibility.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because when you get into the lane of, I'm at fault and this, now you're beating yourself up. Now you're insecure. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself. I want you to do something different. I want you to get very clear about what you're sick and tired of and what you can take responsibility for.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Excellent question. So if somebody is in a terrible relationship, what do we know? There's nothing you can say that will make them leave that person. if you confront it directly. And the more that you attack the relationship that they're in, the more defensive they're going to be in it and the more they're going to stay in it because they're going to feel like you're attacking them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And so when it comes to people in your life, and let's just talk about varying degrees, right? When there is somebody in your life that's dating somebody, this is not good for them. You're going to have to let them. You just have to.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And the only thing that I have ever found that works in my life, when I have had someone that I deeply care about in clearly the wrong relationship, and I'm talking someone who did this for years, is the more that they feel judged, the more distance it creates between the two of you, the more they hide the reality of what's going on and how they really feel.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And so you need to let an adult be an adult You need to let them know the truth of how you feel. And there's a particular way to do it, which is not, I think your partner sucks and he's abusing you. And which is going to be very confronting. It's let them know the truth, which is I'm worried about you because you don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? That's what you say.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And then what do you need to do? And this is the hardest part. You need to let them. I'm worried about you. You don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? And what ends up happening is that over time, since you're holding out the truth, that stays with somebody.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And when you get into the very scary situations, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor working a domestic hotline for four years. I am not immune to the realities of the psychological stranglehold that happens inside of a abuse cycle. and the very well-documented neurological programming that happens due to the honeymoon abuse cycle of horrible abuse, then tremendous apology, then quiet.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
The intermittent nature of that actually creates more of a trap inside somebody's brain. I get that. And there is nothing that another human being can do when you literally confront it directly to change that fact. What you can do is you can let them know, this is where I'm responsible. I'm not responsible for the relationships you're in.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I am responsible for telling you the truth and I am responsible for offering support to the extent I want to. And that is the truth. And we also know based on research, it's a minimum of seven attempts to leave a abusive relationship for somebody. That's why telling the truth, I'm worried about you. I am here for you. I'm here to support you. The second that you are ready to leave, I am here.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And I know there's nothing I can do to make you do it. But I want you to know I love you, you are so strong and I'm here. That is how you handle that. And then you have to let them. Because the more you judge that person as weak, the more you have an opinion about it, the more that you get all wrapped up around it, they can pick up on your energy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
They know that you're judging them and that you think that they're weak and you're pathetic and you're all this stuff because that's what your energy is portraying. That's why this matters. Do you intervene if somebody is spiraling? Of course you do. You offer the support. That might mean taking away the pills. That might mean driving somebody to rehab. That's the level of support.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
But that's based on your boundaries and your truth.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Can we start that one?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Why didn't he fold the laundry? Why didn't they load the dishwasher? Why didn't they, or in my husband's case, why did Mel, why does Mel always stack the cardboard boxes up like a Tetris sculpture instead of breaking them down? Like this drove him crazy because, you know, everybody gets boxes to their house from Amazon. And I hate that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
having to do that thing where you, you know, you flatten them, you know, for recycling. Okay. At least we have to in Vermont. And I always have this thing where I would like slight, I would like the boxes would come, I'd carry them to the garage and then I'd stack them up and I have these big plans that I'm going to come back later and I will do it when I feel like it. Right? Because why?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Adults only do what they feel like doing. So can Chris change my behavior? No. I will change my behavior when I want to change my behavior. Right. But here's what Chris can do. Using the let them theory, Chris understands he's got to let me be me. He can't make me change. What is Chris responsible for? His truth and his boundaries. So Chris comes to me and he says, Can I share something with you?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I'm like, sure. He said, you know, every time I walk into the garage and I see the tower of cardboard boxes waiting for some recycling ferry to come flying in here and flatten them all out, I feel like you think I am your servant. And it makes me feel really kind of hurt. that you think that that's all that I'm here for. Now, when Chris shares that, I immediately feel terrible.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
He's not shaming me. He's telling me the truth about how he feels. I don't want him to feel this way. So now what happens? Because I don't want him to feel this way, I now will flatten the cardboard boxes. Why? Because I want to. Does that make sense? And because we don't take the time to recognize that I am not responsible for somebody else's change in behavior.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I am responsible for communicating what I feel, what I value, how something impacts me, what I need, what my boundaries are. And then the hardest part is what happens next. Because once you have that communication that really hurt me, it would make me feel great if you were to do X. The next time this happens, could you do Y? The hardest part of a relationship is what happens next.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because now it's back to the other person and you're gonna let them. And here's what's gonna happen. They are revealing to you who they are. If I don't flatten those boxes, it reveals to Chris that I really don't care that he feels that way. And this brings me to another law about human behavior. People's behavior is the truest form of communication. I can come up with a million excuses, Jamie.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Oh, I'm so busy, I have ADHD, I'll get to it later, I didn't mean to. That's just noise. If you actually want to change or you actually care about what the other person just told you, prove it. And by not doing it, I am communicating loud and clear to Chris, I don't care. And the hardest thing for us, and this is where the let them theory starts to get really deep,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
is when you really unhook your emotions, Jamie, and you let adults be adults, and you take responsibility for your side of the relationship, which is your truth, your needs, your boundaries, your wants, all that kind of stuff. And then somebody reveals their true nature. Most of us don't want to face it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And so if we go back to somebody who is in a relationship that is very unhealthy, there was somebody who has a narcissistic personality style, there was somebody who's abusive. If you embrace the let them theory and you embrace this rule that you can't change this person and that their behavior is the truth about who they are, now it's on you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
to really try to separate how you feel and what the other person is saying from the reality of what this other human being is showing you through their behavior. And again, we don't want to look at that because then we have to look in the mirror and go, What do I need to take responsibility for?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If I take what Mel Robbins is saying and the let them theory as truth, and if I take as truth that adults only do what adults feel like doing, and if I take as truth, I can't make anybody change. I can't make anybody like me. I can't make anybody love me because adults only do what they feel like doing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And if this person's behavior is the truest communication of who they are and what they care about, Now it's on me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And I have to make a decision, an incredibly hard decision, a decision that goes against all of the neurological programming that has happened in this relationship, a decision that will have to make me confront the things about myself that I don't want to confront because I'm responsible for what happens next, regardless of all the stuff that went down.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And that's why I say you are always capable of changing for the better.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I am grateful for our friendship. I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them. If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Yes. So the let them theory is something that I just came up with in the last couple of months. And it is, I think the most powerful thing I've ever stumbled upon. And I've learned some pretty incredible things in my lifetime from other people, from the power of something like the five second rule and prioritizing action. But the let them theory is at a entirely different level.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And the let them theory on the surface is extremely simple. And here's how it works. Let them. If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them. You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. And I was so guilty of this.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. You will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people. I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults, I let other people live their lives, the more control I feel.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And it is so easy to read something on Instagram, I don't care what other people think, and then regurgitate it like it's some sort of philosophy that you have when really you actually do care a lot. LetThem is a tool that encapsulates the truth about relationships and the truth about control. you will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And this is a learned behavior. This is something you learned because your parents, like parents, your job is to keep your kids safe. Your job is to, you know, teach your kids how to make decisions. Your job is to set boundaries for your children so that they can grow up and become independent human beings. But your frame of reference when you are a kid is all about the adults around you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And because as a kid, you don't know why mommy's mad. So you think you're the reason why mommy's mad. So you then make it your job to make sure mommy's not mad. Or you sit there and say something must be wrong with me when mommy's mad. And so that's why you get so obsessed with trying to control the states of emotion and what other people are doing or not doing. Because you think
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
What everybody else is doing has something to do with you or means something about you. And it means nothing about you. And the reason why, and the story for how I discovered it, I would love to tell it because I think it'll kind of put you at the scene at just how dumb we are and how prevalent this is in your life. And so it is, I'm setting the scene for where I discovered this.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
So it was our son's junior prom in high school. And having already gone through four high school proms with our two daughters, I thought, this is gonna be cakewalk, man. There are no spray tans, there's no blowouts, there's no like 55 dresses. They're like, oh my God, this is gonna be amazing. It was the worst. He was way worse because he didn't communicate anything, Jamie.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
First of all, he's not going. Then he's going with a group of guys. Then we live in the middle of Vermont. Where the hell are we going to buy a tux? Then all of a sudden he decides he wants Stan Smith Adidas edition sneakers. I got to track him down. We got to have him overnighted. Now he's asking a date some chick he doesn't even know. So then there's that whole thing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
So we are leaving to go to that pre-prom party that people tend to have where you show up at somebody's house and everybody's taking photos. And we arrive and we walk in and I'm already on edge because our son has been like...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Imagine trying to wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground and get him into a tuxedo and then get him into the car when I realize in hindsight he's just nervous, but now I'm annoyed and I'm stressed out. And so we get to this thing. He makes a beeline for all of his friends, does not introduce us to his date. Everybody's really awkward in terms of the kids, but they all look fantastic.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
About 20 minutes in, we're settling down. I'm starting to feel a little less on edge and out of nowhere, I'm talking nowhere. This is like a freak mountain storm. It starts to rain sideways. There's not a single person that has an umbrella or a raincoat. Now it starts to hail. The umbrella on the deck goes tumbling off to the right and all the parents are now circling, right?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And murmuring and what's going to happen. And I walk over to Oakley and I tap him on the shoulder and I'm like, Oak, what are you guys doing for dinner? Because it's 4.30 in the afternoon. The prom starts at seven. Clearly they have a dinner plan, right? He kind of shrugs his shoulders like, I don't know. I'm like, you don't have a reservation for dinner? It's the prom, dude.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I don't know what we're doing. Do you want me to call the inn? Do you want me to do this? He's like, mom. And I start ramping up. In my mind, you know, like I'm going to fix the situation for him. So he's talking to his friends. I'm on my phone trying to find a reservation. There isn't a reservation anywhere in our small town because obviously other people had thought about this.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Doesn't seem like any of the other kids in this group have a reservation either. And all of a sudden they start walking toward the door. No coats, no raincoats. Like it is raining sideways, Jamie. She is going to ruin her dress, her hair, her makeup, his sneakers destroyed, the rented tux out. I'm just like, all the other parents, where are you guys going?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I think we're going to go to the cilantro bowl. And that's when all the parents are now like, we're going to repeat it. Everyone's controlling the situation. It's complete chaos. We've all been in this kind of moment. Our daughter, Kendall, who we've just been talking about, was home for the weekend. She gently reaches over and she grabs my arm and she shakes it and she says, mom, let them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
I'm like, what? What do you mean let them? I'm like on the phone, on hold, trying to get, let them what? Let them go to the slaughter ball. But, but it's raining, but it's small, but it's like a small thing. They're not even, let them go to a small place they can't fit in. But he's going to ruin his shoes. Let him ruin his shoes. But her dress. Let her ruin her dress.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them. And it was something about that moment and her repeating those words and repeating those words and repeating those two words, let them, let them, let them, let them. And her hand on my bicep that made me just de-escalate internally.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
And as I started to deescalate internally and kind of just let them and let them do and not need to control it, my thinking came back online and I thought, why do I care? Why am I not making a reservation for myself for dinner? Who cares? Why am I doing this to myself? And so I walk up to Oak and I tap him on the shoulder and he turns around and he's like, what? Like, here's 20 bucks.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Go have fun. And this huge smile like lit up his face and right out the door into the sideways rain they went, trashing his shoes and her dress. It was adorable. And over the course of the next couple weeks, I couldn't believe how often I had the experience for myself where I was getting hooked by what other people are doing. Why is a celebrity promoting this thing? Why is this happening?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
Why can't we do it this way? Why is the government doing this? Why is the traffic doing this? Why are my friends having lunch and they didn't invite me? Why this? Why that? Like all of this time and energy getting cooked up about my opinions about what other people are doing or not doing. or my expectations about how things should be done. Oh, the school should be.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”
You got a lot of let thems that you need to bring into the school. The teacher should be. And so what happened is I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults. I let other people live their lives.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know, I've been in a really reflective mood lately. I'm always that way this time of year. And so I decided to just look back over the year and think about the moments on the podcast that had the biggest impact on me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And his work centers around how to be a better communicator in a way that brings you closer to people and allows you to have the hard conversations. Because the fact is, you got to have hard conversations to make your relationships better. And that person that I'm talking about is none other than the amazing Jefferson Fisher.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Now, Jefferson Fisher is a seasoned trial lawyer, but he's gained millions of followers online because he sits in the front seat of his car in between his cases in court, giving straightforward, powerful communication advice. And what I love about Jefferson is he's got this just kind of soft spoken way of teaching you how to be articulate and persuasive and tactful and to stand your ground.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I've been following him for a long time and I've watched him just explode on social media. And so I'm proud that he jumped on a plane from Texas. He came to our Boston studios and he taught you and me how the power of what you say and what you don't say shapes who you are, that your words matter. And he is just the king of practical insights when it comes to how do you speak up?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
When do you say silent? What do you do if somebody's gaslighting you? And my favorite topic that I covered with Jefferson is how do you actually set up a difficult conversation, okay? And it turns out I've been doing it all wrong and you probably have too.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Because when you think about having to sit down with somebody and have a conversation that you're really nervous about, and you know that's true because you've been avoiding it like the plague, you probably dance around it. Well, Jefferson says that's exactly what you shouldn't do. And so I'm going to have you listen to him.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You're making me panic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
As I'm listening to you, Jefferson.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
This is an absolutely extraordinary episode to listen to as your very first episode. I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family, and it's a real honor to have you here. And I'm absolutely thrilled to be able to share these meaningful moments with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I didn't even know what to say because he's right. And my entire life, I'm 56 years old. I have handled this wrong. Because first of all, if I have something hard I need to say to somebody or I have to give somebody some difficult feedback or I got to sit somebody down and just tell them, yep, I'm not going to do what you need me to do or I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I do tiptoe around it. I am afraid of the other person's reaction. Sometimes I don't want to deal with the reaction. And that's why I kind of do that thing where you try to like make it softer than it needs to be. But he's right, isn't he?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
imagine my favorite thing is this isn't my favorite thing to talk about this is not something I want to be having a conversation with you about right now this is not going to be a good conversation I have bad news I mean just saying that you feel kind of powerful because you're just putting it out there and I love what he also reminded you and me of it's true
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
People will respect you if you respect them enough to just tell them the truth. And when you tell somebody, hey, this isn't my favorite conversation, but I need to tell you the truth. What happens is you're also saying, I believe in your ability to handle the truth and I respect you enough to give it to you. And that was an eye-opener for me and I've been using it ever since.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And so the next thing that really struck me about Jefferson, and you know, if you haven't heard the episode, the link is in the notes section in the show description, wherever it is that you're listening to this conversation or watching on YouTube right now. That tone of voice that he has, he didn't modulate the entire conversation. There's so much power in being in control of your words.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I don't know about you, but there are moments in life where somebody says something that's sort of like a backhanded compliment or they are a little belittling. Like oftentimes I find that that happens a lot where people will make a remark about my success and then they'll kind of cut Chris down, my husband, and be like, must be nice to have your wife pay all the bills.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I've never known how to respond. And neither has Chris. When somebody kind of belittles you that way or says something backhanded, well, now I do. Thanks to Jefferson. Here's what he had to say is the way you need to handle it the next time somebody says something that you find offensive or belittling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Of course, there's no better place for me to start, for me, when Dr. Doty hopped on a plane and flew all the way across the United States to join me in our Boston studios. And let me tell you a little bit about him, and then I'm gonna tell you about what you're gonna hear. Dr. Jim Doty is a pioneering Stanford neurosurgeon.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We need to role play this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I'm trying to think of a scenario.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I need you to repeat that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Tell you what, we're all taking Jefferson Fisher with us to every family interaction because we got instigators in our family. You know, the kind of people that, oh, I'm just kidding. Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You don't need to be so sensitive. I love this. I need you to say that again. I can't wait for somebody to turn to me and Chris and take a jab at Chris.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh, must be nice to be married to Mel and not have to do anything all day. I need you to say that again. Are you saying that to belittle me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like all of a sudden it's not that fun anymore. Man, I love Jefferson Fisher. Don't you love Jefferson Fisher? He made a huge impact on my life this year. And so, wow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Well, there are four more experts, we're just getting started, that have had a profound impact on me this year. And you're going to meet them after we take a very short break so you can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. Don't you dare go anywhere because I got more of my favorite moments and they're going to be your favorite moments too when we return. Stay with me. Welcome back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today I'm sharing with you a few of my favorite moments from the last year on the Mel Robbins podcast. And these are moments with experts where I was either really moved or I learned something that fundamentally changed how I either deal with a specific situation or how I look at a particular issue.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And by pioneering, I mean the man has actually created a spinal surgery technique that has transformed spinal surgery. He's also a world-renowned neuroscientist. He's founded a bunch of companies. He's also the founder and the director of the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, and the former chairman of the Dalai Lama Foundation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So we've already covered Dr. Doty and the way that he has truly made you realize that you have the power to help someone else. simply by being kind to somebody. He also told us that you got to be calm if you're going to try to manifest. And that's not just advice, it's neuroscience.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We also learned from Jefferson Fisher, simple things you can say to take your power back when somebody is trying to take your power away. I need you to say that again. I think I'm going to talk in that slow kind of draw that he has that just feels powerful, doesn't it? Well, I'm going to tell you what else is powerful. And that is when I got to sit down with Dr. Rebecca Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Now, Dr. Rebecca is a professor at Harvard Medical School, and she is a leading researcher on sleep and circadian rhythms at Brigham and Women's Hospital. Dr. Robbins has earned her PhD from Cornell and completed postdoctoral training at NYU and Harvard, specializing in sleep and circadian disorders.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Now, if you wanted to see her in her private practice, like we're talking years to get into her sleep clinic. Her research is the research that people that write books about sleep are citing. So she is the OG when it comes to sleep. And one of the things that I noticed immediately is her voice is is so soothing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I mean, we need a sleep app with Dr. Robin's voice on it, but she showed up and shared actionable science-based strategies that are gonna help you have better sleep overall, that's gonna boost your energy, your focus, and your overall wellbeing. And one of the things that she talked about, there are two moments that I'm gonna share with you that really changed how I think about sleep
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
and what I do at night to get ready for sleep. And the first thing that we talked about is that, you know, I don't know what you're like, but 10 o'clock is my bedtime. Do you know what time I climb in bed? 10 o'clock. Do you know what time I think I should be asleep? 10 o'clock. I literally go from 100 miles an hour running around the house to 10 o'clock, I'm right in my bed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Dr. Robbins was like, major mistake. Check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So is that takeaway number one, that climbing into bed so you have a consistent time that you're signaling that you're gonna start the process of falling asleep and having your alarm ring at roughly the same time is one of the first things we wanna do?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know, just listening to her, I'm like, I know she didn't mean it this way, but I'm like, Mel, you dummy. Like, why do you think you can sprint from the kitchen fully clothed in your clogs while you're texting your kids goodnight and turning off the lights? And then literally, do you get undressed by the side of your bed? I get undressed by the side of my bed. I do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Now, Dr. Doty was in our studios to talk about his work and research on the topic of manifesting. That's right. We're learning about the process of manifesting from a neurosurgeon. And he just... opened my eyes to the topic of manifesting in ways that I cannot wait to share with you because I believe in manifesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And then I climb in and then I lay there. It's like, because there's no buffer. And when you hear her tell you the truth and the science about needing a simple wind-down routine, it just makes sense, doesn't it? And I thought, Mel, you deserve that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I mean, on the nights where you take a bath, woman, you crawl into that bed just like you did when you were a kid, all swaddled up and warm, and you just, whew, you just fall right asleep. Why are you not doing this every night? And so I asked Dr. Robbins, I was like, okay, yes, I'm in. I want that cup of tea. I want that wind down routine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And so I said, you know, Dr. Robbins is one of the leading sleep researchers on the planet in clinical practice, running the sleep web. What is your wind down routine? And just take a listen to what she had to say, because I think you will never look at your evening routine the same ever again?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
But learning about how there are four different parts of your brain that you're using when you're manifesting, it was just mind-blowing and empowering. So the first thing I want to share with you from that conversation with Dr. Doty is a story that he shared at the very beginning of our conversation, where he describes being a 12-year-old kid.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh my gosh. So here's what I've done with that. I think about what are the three things that I can do every night, no matter where I am. And I want you to think about these three things too. Take her invitation, because she did speak directly to you. What are three things you can do every single night that kind of become your wind down routine, that signal to you that it's time?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And for me, the first thing is I always draw Beth. Like that's my new, ever since Dr. Robbins, I do not miss it. And in fact, when I go to a hotel, I beg for a room with a bathtub. And I know that might kind of gross you out. If it looks kind of dingy, I'll just wash it before I climb into it. But I love a bath. And if I can't have a bath, I'll take a shower.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And when I start drying the bath or I turn on the shower, that's my signal to plug my phone in for the night and to just turn off the screen and leave it in the bathroom. And then I take the bath. And when I'm done with the bath, this may be getting a little too personal here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I don't know if I should be telling you this, but while I'm soaking wet, I put lotion all over my body because I feel like it locks in the moisture and I want really smooth skin. So there you have it. There's my skincare tip. And then I just climb into bed. I turn off the light. And before I drift off to sleep, the final thing I do is I put my hand on my heart and I close my eyes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I think about three things that went really well today. Because your brain will find what you ask it to look for. And this kind of goes back to the Dr. Doty manifesting piece that at the end of the day with this routine, especially after a hot shower bath and without a phone anywhere near me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And now that I'm climbed into like my cozy sheets and I've got my hand in my heart, I'm calm, aren't I? And so as I go through the day and I think about three things that went well or three things that I'm grateful for, this is a form of manifesting because I'm training my mind to default on what's good. And that helps me continue to see things that are good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know, the ones where I was really moved or an expert challenged me to think about a topic in an entirely new way, or they shared a tool that fundamentally changed my approach to something. And so I've decided to gather up my favorite moments today and share them with you. And you're about to meet the six experts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And usually I kind of drift right off to sleep. But I think the most encouraging thing that Dr. Robbins did share is that sleeping is a skill. And you can take intentional, simple steps that she shares in that episode to learn how to be a better sleeper. That's available to you. And it's one of the core pillars of creating a better life. And so here's what we're going to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We are going to hit the pause. We're with people in your life that you care about, whether it's because they need to hear the part about manifesting or they need the strategies from Jefferson Fisher, or they've been complaining that they haven't been getting a great night's sleep. I mean, the gift of the world's leading sleep researcher, it's free.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Just share this episode and don't go anywhere because after you hear a word from our sponsors, you know what's going to happen? I'm going to kick it up a notch because we've got three more amazing people that I'm going to introduce you to. One of whom is Trent Shelton, former NFL player, does not fool around. Everything that comes out of that man's mouth is like a truth bomb meets a soul slap.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
He grew up in a house where there was a lot of conflict and fighting, and he would hop on his bike and And rides his bike is far away from the stuff going on in the household that he grew up in. And one day he ends up at this magic shop and it changed the trajectory of his life because of how the woman working in that magic shop taught him as a 12 year old.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
whatever that means, but you know, we're going to be picking it up and we're going to be dropping the truth and you are going to feel motivated and inspired because Trent Shelton is coming next. And we're talking about your personal power. We're talking about protecting your peace and he's going to give you his three-step guide to having better boundaries. So stay with me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, I'm sharing my favorite moments with experts that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast in the past year. And I've got six people that really touched my heart, they changed my mind, They gave me the tools that I needed to approach situations in my life differently.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And the next person that I'm thrilled to introduce you to is a very dear friend of mine. His name is Trent Shelton. Trent is a former NFL player, and he is also an extraordinary motivational speaker and New York Times bestselling author. Now, I love Trent. And we're constantly texting back and forth and sharing ideas about business and life and parenting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And after his NFL career, Trent became a powerful voice in personal growth. And he inspires millions of people to claim their power and change their lives. He reaches over 60 million people every single week. And his book, Protect Your Peace, New York Times bestseller. He hopped on a plane and flew all the way from Texas and arrived in our Boston studios.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And holy cow, like an NFL coach, he was ready to go. And what was the topic? He wants to set the record straight about what you're accepting in life. and your power to change the dynamic between you and other people, the power that you have to protect your peace. And so I want you to sit up straight and take a listen, because I'm gonna pass the mic to my friend, Trent.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I'm going to play this in just a minute for you to listen to. But the reason why this is so important is is that I believe that we are all equipped to help one another. In fact, I think that you're best equipped to help the person that you once were.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So true.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That's right, Trent. And none of us want to see that, right? We want to blame other people. But I love that Trent walked you and me step by step through how you can think about boundaries and why you need them. And I'll tell you why, because your piece is worth protecting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it's very clear to me that when this 12-year-old version of Jim Doty walked into the magic shop, the woman working there saw a kid who needed someone to care. And that right there changed the trajectory of his entire life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And the thing that I keep thinking about over and over and over again, did you catch that part where he talked about your energy is a battery? And that you spend more time trying to protect your iPhone and recharging your smartphone than you do protecting your own energy and recharging your own battery. And that's why I've come back to this over and over and over again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It's also one of the reasons why I love the let them theory so much. Because let them, when you say let them, you know what that is? That's a boundary. You're drawing a boundary and saying, I recognize that this is not a situation that I care to drain my energy over, so I'm going to let them. And the second part, when you go, let me, let me focus on what's in my control.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Let me focus on what I want to say, think and do. Let me protect my peace and preserve my energy and recharge myself. That's a boundary too. And so I just want to thank Trent for giving you permission and showing up here with a level of urgency and honesty to say, you tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So let them and start focusing on yourself because it's going to make you a heck of a lot happier. And speaking of happiness, that brings me to the fifth person this year. I just find myself reflecting on this conversation a lot. Who am I talking about? Talking about Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar. Dr. Tal Ben-Jahar is a globally recognized authority on happiness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
He's known for his groundbreaking research on goals, motivation, and well-being. And he also taught two of Harvard's most popular courses ever taught. And those courses are positive psychology and the psychology of leadership, making his work foundational in the study of happiness. He is also the bestselling author of eight books. That's incredible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Where he distills complex psychology and practical insights and empowers people worldwide to pursue a more fulfilling life. Now he rolled into our Boston studios and I got to tell you, I don't know what was in the air, but one of the reasons why I remember this and you're going to hear it in the best of bloopers at the end of this episode is the cameras kept breaking.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It was almost like there were poltergeists in the studio. I'm sitting here with the world-renowned expert in happiness. He's got a big smile on his face. Click, camera turn off. Oh my gosh, we laugh. Click, camera turns off. Oh my gosh. It happened like 17 times. And you want to know what? He's the real deal. He just sat there smiling because he knows the meaning of happiness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And he taught it to us in the conversation. And it was in this conversation that he revealed the major mistake that I had been making around happiness. And you might too. Now, I think I'm like a very happy person. I'm a very optimistic person. And up until this conversation, I had been trying to be a happy person. And then he comes out of nowhere and shares this piece of advice.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I learned that every morning when I would wake up and say to myself, oh, Mel, you're going to be happy today. I was actually doing something wrong. Check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I want to make sure you really understand the power of this metaphor. He's saying that if you and I stare intently at something that we think is going to make us happier. Like, let's just say you're single and you just think, oh my gosh, if only I can find the one that I'm going to be happier, or if I can make more money, I'm going to be happier.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
If I can find a house to buy that I can, I'm going to be happier. That that kind of pursuit of it and this intense focus, it's the same thing as staring at the sun. It creates blindness, makes you miserable. You see all these dots. That's not going to make you happy is what he's saying. But when you break apart the sun through a prism, it casts a rainbow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And if you really stop and think about the power of that idea, the sun is a singular thing. When you break it apart through a prism and it creates a rainbow of a full range of colors, think about the massive amount of possibility in that, that there are so many things that make you happy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That even if you think about the band of purple, that the band of purple in a rainbow, it's not just one color of purple. It's this just shades and different hues of purple. What does that mean? What he's basically saying to you is, first of all, happiness is more than one thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Happiness is made up of a bazillion different things that all come together to create this magnificent thing called a rainbow. Don't just stare at the sun. When you understand that it is comprised of so many things that are right around you and available to you, you don't have to go for it at all. You don't have to stare blindly at one thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You can just welcome it in and appreciate all that's around you. I mean, it's just such a cool concept. And so I said to him, because I started to wonder, okay, I really get this. And it's very much changed how I think about this because I can now have one thing that's going really badly. Like I can have a horrendous day at work or I can get very sad news.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And then because I understand that the feeling of happiness in your life isn't the one thing, it's actually all things, that I still have the space to stare off at a sunset and allow it in. I still have the space to see my dogs playing with one another and to smile and to allow it in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
that it's not just the thing that you think that's going to make you happy, that you can be happier now by allowing yourself to be, because it's all around you and it's in so many things that are right there. And so I was really curious. I'm like, okay, what does the professor who taught two of the most popular courses ever at Harvard, what is his definition of happiness?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And so I asked him, and this is what Dr. Ben Shahar had to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I love that. I absolutely love that. I guess he must be one of the most popular professors ever at Harvard because I certainly learned a lot and his perspective changed the way that I not only view happiness, but certainly how I experience it. While we're on the topic of happiness, Let me just talk about something that can make you really unhappy, and that's not handling your money correctly.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it may surprise you that one of my all-time favorite moments of the entire year happened to be when I sat down with a financial expert. I absolutely loved getting to meet and learn from and spend time with the extraordinary Tiffany Aliche. Now, Tiffany flew into our Boston studios from Atlanta. I got to tell you, Tiffany's a genius.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Like you are literally going to learn you don't need discipline. You need automation. She's going to help you fight your humanness. She's going to help you figure out what are your wants versus your needs. She's going to make you think about a budget like your mother. She is also going to tell you there's a moment where it's the truth time, tissues and tears, baby. But most of all, she's a realist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
She's been there. Her advice is hilarious and it works. So check this out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I like the name money list.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
A budget. Okay. I love this reframe because I hear the word budget and I hear no and restriction. And you're saying that the budget is how you say yes to what's important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So for somebody hearing you say that and they're like, but I've never made a budget or I've never stuck to one.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And you've made the money list and you see what's coming in and what's coming out. You're like faced with the reality. Yeah. Tears and tissues. Yes. And you see that you are outspending every month what's actually coming in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Never going to turn the lights on in this house. Get the candles.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And give me an example. I know that sounds like a basic question, but is your mortgage a bill?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Like when you were standing at Walmart or Sephora and you're like, yeah, I'd like 10% off this. And then you're like, oh, wait, that's a credit card.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So your student loan does not have a U. Your mortgage or rent does not have a U. But the- Water. Electricity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
The data on your phone.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know, one of the things that I worry about, and I'd be curious to hear your perspective, is that you and I both had the experience of being in college. And it's that opening week. And literally at the opening registration fair, there were banks with credit card tables. You get your Snickers bar when you sign up for one, and then it's free money. But I worry a lot about...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
the fact that in today's world, particularly for people who are in their 20s and 30s, that social media has become Like shopping with a click. And you and I had to leave our house to go spend money back in the day. And when I think about TikTok or Instagram, every other freaking suggested thing has a shop now button. Mm-hmm. And stuff gets sent to your house.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And have you seen a big increase, because you've been doing this for a while, in people in the spending category? That spending has gotten so easy because of social media. It's always in your face. You always see what you're missing out on. There's an influencer that has the product for free who's like, this changed my life. And oh, click, click, click. It's 11.30 at night. So do you see...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh, so you at your company level, you basically say X percent of my paycheck is going to go into checking account.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know, as I'm listening to her, I'm just smiling. Doesn't she make you want to do a budget? You better believe she does. And she's going to help you automate it because you deserve to get good with money and she's going to help you out. And so I hope that is a episode and that segment is something that you share with everybody that you love because everybody needs to hear it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it's fun to listen to. But that wasn't the moment that just rocked me to my core. It was at the very end, after we had spent an hour and a half talking budgets and bills and bankruptcy and automation, I asked her, do you have any final parting wisdom that you'd like to share?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You are a gift to all of us. Thank you. Thank you for absolutely everything that you poured into us today. What's coming up for you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
He was a really good man. He still is. And he's really proud of you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
We're really fortunate that we have you. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you. You're welcome. I, um, I feel very grateful that you are now my friend. Thank you. Thank you. And the thing is, is that when you don't understand money And you were going to make me cry. When you don't understand money and you're really scared about where you are, it clouds everything that's important. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Until it comes crashing in your face and you waste it. And you spend all your emotional energy in that shame. Yeah. And you not only miss the solutions, but you're not present for your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You lifted it up. You made it way more important, honestly. Thank you. No, thank you. Thank you. It wasn't just a moment that moved me. Thousands of you took the time to write to me about it. I'm not even talking about the number of you that commented on it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
or that left reviews about that episode, or shared that episode with the people that you love, thousands of you from around the world took the time to write to me at melrobbins.com. I mean, within days, they just came pouring in comments like this one from Jennifer, The last few minutes of this hit hard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
My husband was a financial advisor for a large firm and he had a lot of similar philosophies as Tiffany. My husband also passed away last year. When she broke down, I felt it hard. She is so right about spending money on memories. I'm planning a big trip, an expensive one, with my sons because we've gone through a lot with the loss of their dad.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It will be so worth every penny because we will remember it forever. Our family was so focused on saving and paying off debt that we didn't make those amazing family memories when he was alive. And I don't want to leave this earth without my kids having those memories with me. It makes you really stop and think, why are you working so hard if you never stop and allow yourself to actually enjoy it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I will never forget that conversation with Tiffany. And it has fundamentally changed the way that I think about money, the way I think about the importance of memories and time with the people that you love while you have it, and slowing down and allowing myself to enjoy the time that I have, that rainbow that Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar was talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And you're going to hear the moments from the Mel Robbins podcast that fundamentally changed my life. And I promise you, they're going to change your life too. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you. And today in particular, I think our time is going to be extraordinarily moving.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Because as I often say, there's an invisible clock that none of us can see. And so while you still got the time, I deeply, truly hope you choose to make the most of it. I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending so much time with me this year. It's such an honor to be together with you, to take walks with you, to ride in the car with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I do not take your trust or the fact that you spend your time and your energy with me lightly. It is one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received in my life and I'm gonna do everything I can to make everything that we do next year even more amazing than the topics that we covered this year.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And one of the things that is extraordinarily clear from all of the experts and the time that we've spent together this year, is that allowing yourself to enjoy what you have is one way that you can create a better life right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Alrighty, I'll see you in the next episode. Okay, well, hold on a second. Here we go. Hold on a second. Let's save this for, let's get started.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It's beautiful. You know, it really moved me to see just how in tune he is with this simple idea that everyone deserves to be seen. And I want to underscore something, and it's this. Never forget your own ability to change someone else's life. I really do believe you have the power to help yourself and to help someone else. And that's one of the reasons why I show up here every single week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
No way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Why headless?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Mister, I don't really know what I'm doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You know what? I'm going to actually use that quote. You're pretty cool. I think we're supposed to be friends.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh, my God. Okay, tonight we're getting sleep. Tonight we're sleeping. I love that. Oh, my God. That's what you're pulling up top, right? The second she said that, I would've been like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Are you guys ready for us? Yeah. Sorry. I just want... Are cameras rolling? I should probably wait in case I say something. Okay. Okay. I'm on? Great. And as soon as the tele... Audio only. You know what? Do you guys have a cloth for these things? I don't know about your glasses. Always. It's like, how the hell do they get so dirty? Do you think we touch our glasses a lot and we don't realize it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Around the world. Did you hear that again?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I know you, you know, you hear that. We're going to keep going. The thing that I found. His did not turn off. That one did.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That one I did.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Did it just turn off? Awesome. Great show.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
There we go. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Okay. This is great. Okay. Here we go. It looks fantastic. Here we go. Okay. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. We got to go back up. Let's give it. Let me just do one thing real quick. Okay. Right. Will you take it all the way till after the break? Yeah, just jump into there. Okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Portal is open, baby. Portal is open. The magnet. Oh my God. Trent. Oh my God. That work? Okay. All right. Great. I got to wait for my action though. All right. Are we good with that? Is the garbage truck done? We're just going to keep going. Go for it. And we'll go up a little bit more. I'm sorry. I should say back, shouldn't I? Is that good? Is that simpler?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
That stuff like flies over my head when people start talking about that. Okay. I'm going to do one more. Sorry. Including. Okay. Sorry. Go up one more time. 2 million people to be exact. Save million. Oh my Lord. Let me go back.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And it's why I'm so grateful that you and I get to spend time together, because that's what we're doing. We're helping one another to feel seen, to understand the simple things that we can do to lift each other up. And so once I wiped away the tears, we got down to the topic that Dr. Doty was there to talk about, which is manifesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Now manifesting is something that I believe in, and it's not just closing your eyes and hoping that a pony shows up. Manifesting is the process where you intentionally align your thoughts with what you truly want in life. And when you do it properly, you are programming your mind, your body, your spirit, your nervous system, your brain, to help you get these things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
It doesn't mean you don't do the work. It just means you're aligning your own body and mindset to help you do the work. And I love manifesting. It is a tool that I use. But Dr. Doty was the very first person to point out a huge mistake that everybody makes when they're manifesting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And he's a neuroscientist, so he can not only explain the four different parts of the brain that you're using when you're visualizing and when you're thinking about and allowing yourself to feel the things in your life that you want to have happen. But the major mistake that we're all making, oh my gosh, wait till you hear this. you're manifesting when you're stressed out.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Like you're driving to work and traffic's all backed up and you're gripping the wheel and you're closing your eyes and traffic's stopping. You're like, I just want a beach house and a million dollars. It doesn't work that way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
If you're single and you're like constantly bummed and on edge and you think dating's toxic and you're allowing some stranger who just ghosted you to deplete your self-esteem, manifesting the love of your life, not going to work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Dr. Doty said, and this is something I'd never known, that in order for you to manifest properly, you have to be calm, which to me makes sense, but it was also a revelation. Wow. Who knew? Well, I guess we do now. And so I want to bring you to the point where Dr. Doty has explained, no, you got to be calm. And this is the part people miss. You want to manifest something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
You got to get intentional about what you want. You got to drop yourself into a calm state. And then that's when you start to write it down. That's when you visualize it. And so I asked Dr. Doty, you're like the king of this stuff and you're a neurosurgeon and neuroscientist. So tell us, what's your process? What do you do when you wake up to put yourself in a state to manifest?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
Because he had explained, oh, I manifest from the moment I wake up. I'm like, okay, well, help us do the same thing. And this is what he said.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And what is the breathing exercise?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And the reason why I'm saying that is because I have been thinking a lot about the last year on the podcast. And I wanted to compile the top moments with experts on this podcast over the last year
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I love that. I love that you can not only use neuroscience and these simple techniques to calm yourself down and then leverage the power of your brain to start to imagine the things that you want in your life, but that there's also this reminder that everything in life is way better when you're sharing it with other people. And that's why I wanted to start with Dr. Jim Doty.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
that truly moved me, that impacted my life, that made me look at a very important topic in life in an entirely new way, that inspired me to change something, not just change it, but to change it for good. And so I'm so excited to be able to share with you Moments with six experts that changed my life. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, somebody sent you this episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
I mean, I just have not stopped thinking about him since he walked out of our studio. I feel like the exact same things that he's just shared with you about your ability to help another person is why you and I are here. It's why you're sharing these episodes. And it's why I'm so proud to call you my friend.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I'm also grateful that, you know, you didn't see him if you're not watching on YouTube, but he's like this tall guy with white hair and these big black glasses like mine. And you can tell he's just like super confident. And if you saw him at a cocktail party, you would never say to yourself, oh, that's a dude that manifests.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
So to have him sit down and be so emotional and moved by how much suffering there is, And how it doesn't have to be that way. That there are simple tools that you can use, like manifesting, like calming yourself down, that can help you change the way that you think. It can help you see bigger possibilities. It can help you ease your own suffering.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast
And I just am grateful that Dr. Doty took the time to be here to teach both of us that. And since one of my favorite moments ended with Dr. Doty reminding us that the journey of life is something that we're doing with other people, that brings me to the second person this year that has had a lasting impact on me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Have you ever watched someone walk into a room and you think to yourself, God, I wish I had that kind of confidence? I mean, there's just something about the way they hold themselves. Maybe it's the way they conduct themselves in a meeting.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Let me remind you of a fact. Everybody starts at zero, everyone. Whether you're trying to learn guitar or you're building a social media following, you're not going to feel confident. You're going to act in accordance with the research of confidence. You, my friend, are willing to try. That's the secret. And it took me a long time to learn this secret for myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I'm going to tell you all about the old Mel Robbins before she knew this, when we come back. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and you and I are talking about building the skill of confidence by being willing to try. And so I want to go back and tell you a story about the old Mel Robbins. A lot of you have seen my TEDx talks.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
So I have one of the most popular and most viewed TEDx talks in the world. I think it's got almost 30 million views at this point. It's a TED Talk called How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over. And if you watch my 21-minute long TED Talk, you know what you're witnessing? You are witnessing a 21-minute long panic attack. That was the first official speech I had ever given in my entire life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I was terrified of public speaking. I've always been terrified of public speaking. And most people are terrified of public speaking. When I was in elementary school, middle school, high school, college, law school, whatever I got called on in class, bright red. Bright red. My mind would immediately go blank.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
The only job I got out of law school was working for legal aid as a public defender in New York City. And when I had to stand in court all day talking to a judge and a bailiff and police officers and the prosecutor, I was so afraid of speaking out loud as a new attorney. I would get these monster neck rashes all over my neck and chest.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You know, the kind of rashes that people get when they're nervous or they've had too much to drink or they get an allergic reaction to food. That was Mel Robbins, the early years. You know how I dealt with that neck rash and that fear? I would wrap a scarf around my neck or I'd wear a turtleneck as an attempt to try to hide it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
In fact, even when I became an on-air commentator for CNN, I was part of their legal team in terms of providing commentary for CNN. I did that for four years. Incredible experience. Never done that before. Why was I willing to do that, knowing that half the time my cheeks would turn bright red? Half the time I'd be worried that I might say something stupid. I'll tell you why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because I understand the skill of confidence. You build it by being willing to try. You have to start at zero. And nobody wants to start at zero. You want to step into this new role and think that you have it all figured out. Well, guess what? You don't. because you've never done this before.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
But if you're willing to try, if you're willing to make mistakes, if you're willing to understand that by showing up every day and trying and trying and learning and failing and falling on your face and dusting yourself off and putting in the work, eventually the competency catches up. And what neuroscience says is what you're actually experiencing
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
when you can stand on a stage and you don't have a neck rash that looks like you just got stung by a bee and you're about to go into anaphylactic shock, when you can do that, you want to know why you can do that? It's because the number of times that you've tried have lowered the resistance in your own brain and body to doing it. And so it feels easier. It feels effortless.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited that you're here. I love this topic because I wasn't always this confident. I was super insecure. I was a bit of a liar. Just go right out there and say that. And confident people do not lie. Had a lot of swagger, a lot of bolstering. That's not confidence. Narcissism, not confidence.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's not that you, quote, feel more confident. It's that you've built up the competency so that you know how to do it without even thinking about it. By being willing to try, by taking the actions over and over, you removed the doubt. You removed the resistance. You built up knowledge and competency. Isn't that cool? This is so important. I want to give you another example.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
So I was on the way to the airport the other day and I had this great Uber driver and we got to talking because it was kind of a long way to the airport. And I hear all about her life and how she immigrated to the US when she was two and was in an orphanage and came here from Poland. And we get to talking about dreams. And this woman, let me tell you, she is a survivor. She is a fighter.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
She could do anything she put her mind to. And I said, so what's your big dream? And she said, I... would love to have my own home. If I could buy my own home, a place to call mine, that would just be amazing. And I said, well, what's keeping you from working on it? She said, well, I just don't feel confident. I don't feel like I can do that. I doubt myself. I doubt that I have enough money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I said, I think you're making a big mistake. And she said, what do you mean? I said, well, you're sitting here talking about confidence as a feeling. What if I told you that confidence is an action? The definition of confidence is being willing to try, being willing to step towards something before you feel ready. The Uber went silent. You could almost hear the wheels in her head turning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And all of a sudden she goes, oh, That part you just said, confidence is an action. Confidence is being willing to try. I never thought about it that way. That's incredible. And I said, well, what did you just get? She said, well, I've been sitting around doubting myself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I've been sitting around waiting to feel like it's going to be a certain time and that when I feel confident enough, then I'll start looking. Are you saying... that I just need to start looking now? Are you saying, Mel, that confidence means I'm willing to check this out? I said, yes. I said, if you were confident, if you felt ready, what are the actions you would be taking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
What would you be trying to do? She said, well, I'd be going to open houses. I'd be looking at houses online. I might even walk into a bank, but right now I'm so full of doubt, I think they'd laugh at me. So I won't even try it. I said, exactly. You have to take the action first. And the more actions you take, the more the feeling catches up, but it begins with the action.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I said, in fact, and I pulled out my phone and I typed into Google, how do you buy a house with no money down? Hundreds of thousands of videos popped up on YouTube. And I said to her, I said, look, most of these are going to be complete crap, but there will be one, two, three, four videos in there. that will give you the next right step.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And if you keep taking the next right step, you will be taking the actions to create the dream that you have for yourself. That's how you do it. It was so freaking cool. And if you look at me and you're like, my friend Mel, she's so successful. How did she get that way? It's the exact same thing. It's because I'm willing to try. I'm willing to start at zero.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I'm willing to keep showing up over and over and over again and trying and trying despite my doubt, despite my fire engine red cheeks, despite my flush neck. And over time, by doing exactly what I'm teaching you to do, I went from somebody who was terrified of public speaking to becoming one of the most talented, respected, and requested and booked public speakers in the entire world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And that's what's available to you today. Whether you wanna buy that first house and you've been doubting yourself, or you wanna get over your fear of public speaking, or there's something else that you believe confidence is gonna help you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
The other thing I want to talk about really quickly is I know that what you think you're up against, Heather, and if you're struggling with confidence, is that, oh, imposter syndrome. I got imposter syndrome. Because you haven't done this before. See, I see imposter syndrome as a really good thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because when you feel like an imposter in a role, that's just a fancy way of saying you're trying something new. And so starting today, if you're in the game of building confidence, everybody, you got to open your arms. You got to reach out for that imposter syndrome. Because if you don't have imposter syndrome, you're not doing anything uncomfortable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And if there's one thing I've learned in life after 54 years is that it's only by making yourself face things that are uncomfortable that that you're going to grow into the best version of yourself. If you always do the things that you're comfortable doing, you will never, ever, ever experience what might be possible because you're not pushing yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
True confidence is something you build from within. True confidence is a connection that you have to yourself and a belief in self. It's not about arrogance. And we're gonna unpack this today because absolutely anyone can build the skill of confidence. And I love teaching this. I love the science around it. I love the simple steps you can take. And so I'm gonna share all of that with you today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so I don't want you to fear imposter syndrome. I want you to see it as a good thing. Oh, I feel like an imposter. Great. I'm trying something new. This is confidence building. Here we go. And speaking of the myth that imposter syndrome is a bad thing. No, no, no, no, no. You're learning.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When it comes to building confidence, you got to embrace that imposter syndrome because it means you're trying and you're learning and you're gaining competency. And we love that around here. I'm going to teach you three other myths about confidence. I'm going to use a question from a listener named Alex to help us unpack it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
But first, we're going to take a quick break for our sponsors because they helped me bring this toolkit to you at zero cost. And then we're going to be right back with Alex's question and those three myths about confidence. Welcome back, everybody. I'm Mel Robbins.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And today we are talking confidence, the science, and most importantly, five tools that you need in your life to build the skill of confidence. And we're about to jump into three myths related to confidence with a question from a listener named Alex.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Alex, great question. And this allows us to talk about myth number one about confidence. And that myth is that confident people are the loudest and most extroverted in the room. So first things first, Alex, stop beating yourself up. Because you're a little bit more introverted. And what I can tell based on your question is that you do want to be more visible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You do want to have a breakthrough in the skill of confidence because you do want to be somebody that's contributing your ideas. So I want to tell you the truth about confident people. Confident people are very often the quiet people in the room. There's a huge difference between confidence and bravado. You know, they're not the same thing. Confidence has nothing to do with swagger.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It has nothing to do with how much you talk or blab on and on in class. If you're truly confident You don't have to prove anything to anybody because you know that confidence is simply being willing to try. It's not about being extroverted or introverted. Confidence is not a personality trait. Confidence is a skill that you can build. And so I want you to also be honest with yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Go back to being selfish in this episode because you're talking about these high achievers and you're not naturally an extrovert. If you're selfish, Alex, how would the skill of confidence change the way you're showing up? Because if you answer, oh, I would talk more in class, Oh, I would advocate more for my ideas.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Oh, I would raise my hand and I would put my name in the ring for certain opportunities before stopping myself and thinking about it. Great, use the definition of confidence now to push yourself to try those things that you believe that more confidence would be having you do. That's how you're going to build competency in those things you're not doing now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Let me tell you the second myth about confidence. See, a lot of people believe that confidence is built when you're winning. Not true. Not true. The truth is that confidence is like steel. It's forged in the fire of your life. You don't create the skill of confidence when life is easy. Confidence, that reserve, that skill that you build, it's created in the moments that are hard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I also want to say, if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. And if somebody's shared this episode with you, do not take offense. Like, you know, don't be like, what, do they think I'm not confident? They think, what? We can all strengthen this skill.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Confidence requires you to try. It requires you to feel like an imposter. It requires you to start at zero. It requires you to do things that you've never done before. And if you're naturally more introverted, sometimes speaking in class can be as scary as skydiving. But that's okay because you can try and you can fail and your cheeks can turn bright red. And you know what?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You're not going to die. It's going to be okay. Because you're willing to try and learn. And that's what's at the heart of this skill. It's curiosity. It's leaning forward. It's trying. It's action. And here's the third myth about confidence. You know, I often hear people say, I lost my confidence. Nope, nope, you didn't. The truth is you cannot lose confidence.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
See, you're just blocked from the feeling of it because you stopped trying, which is the source of it. So let me give you an example. If you sit there and say, you know, oh, I must've lost some confidence along the way because now I'm around all these great achievers and they're always talking in class and I feel like a complete idiot.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
No, no, you haven't lost anything because what's the definition of confidence? Confidence is the willingness to try. If you're around all these high achievers, it's because you belong there and it's because you're meant to grow. And that resistance and pressure that you feel internally, do not aim that at yourself as if something's wrong with you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
There's no difference between the high achievers and you, Alex. The only difference is your willingness to try something that's a little scary, to show up, to be seen, to share your ideas. You know, there's this TED Talk that I absolutely love called Who Are You Really? And it's by Dr. Brian Little. He's a professor over in the UK.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And the entire 20-minute talk is all about the fact that he's profoundly introverted in his life. But because teaching matters to him, he has taught himself how to be profoundly extroverted when he's teaching a class. Now, it's wildly draining for him because he's an introvert, but I'm trying to tell you, you're not in a fixed place.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And confidence is a skill you can build if you're willing to try. And I can tell you are because it matters to you. Okay, I'm now gonna teach you the five simple tools that help you build this as a skill. Tool number one, take action. This is obvious, I understand. We have the definition of confidence. Confidence is the willingness to try.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And what it means if somebody shared this with you is that they really care about you and they care about your success and they want to see you stop torturing yourself and doubting yourself because they believe in you and it's time for you to believe in you. And that's what confidence is about. And we're going to unpack it today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You're not gonna change your life or build confidence by thinking about the things you need to do. You must take action. the number one tool for helping you take action in those moments where you feel imposter syndrome or you feel nervous or you're embarrassed or you start to doubt yourself or you feel anxious. Whatever the feeling is, screw the feeling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
We got to take action in those moments because remember, we're building confidence. It's going to require you to try. Just use my five-second rule. I told you the whole story about how I created it, the science behind it in the episode we released way back in the day called Motivation is Garbage. I'll link to that. But if you're brand new to the podcast, let me give you the shortcut.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When you're in a situation where you start to doubt yourself, You're just gonna count backwards, five, four, three, two, one, and then you physically move within five seconds. So here's how you can use it. Heather's talking about the fact that she wants to build confidence in this new role where she's been promoted.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
There are things that she needs to do as a new leader, but she doesn't have the competency yet. Instead of thinking about those things, she can use the five-second rule, five, four, three, two, one, to interrupt that self-doubt It will help you tap into your courage. That's it. That's all that it is.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
For Alex, who is surrounded by all these high achievers, the next time she's sitting in a classroom and she has something that she wants to share, instead of shrinking in her seat, she's going to try. And the five-second rule is going to help. Five, four, three, two, one. And then she's gonna shoot that hand up in the air because you know what? Alex has something to say.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And even though she doesn't feel comfortable, even though her cheeks might go fire engine red, and even though she might stutter or stumble or have dry mouth or whatever might happen, five, four, three, two, one, she is willing to try. Because here's something I want you to understand. You can tap into courage before you start having that feeling of assuredness. Courage is what you tap into.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And one of the reasons why I wanted to do this today, because I've been thinking about, okay, what could I drop as an episode this weekend? that would really give you something to gnaw on, that would be really useful, that you could take into next week, that would make a big difference, not just like listen and entertain and pass the time, but what's worthy of spending your time on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Confidence is what you're building over time. I'm going to say that again. Courage comes first. Courage, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You start counting backwards, man, that is an act of courage because you're going for it. Courage comes first. confidence is what builds over time. How cool is that, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I absolutely love this because what I'm ultimately teaching you, and this again relates to all the research, is that there's two types of people out there. There are people who think about what they want to do. And then there are people that find the courage to take action. And that's what I want for you. Because the fact is you have greatness inside you. And I want you to start tapping into it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's only through action that you unlock that power inside you and you become the person that you're meant to be. I mean, that's how I created the life that I have now. If I didn't learn how to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, push myself to try, I'd still be sleeping in a bed, staring at the ceiling, consumed with anxiety, feeling like I had ruined my life. That's how you change your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You have to take action over and over and over again. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, stop thinking and start taking some risks. Start trying. Put a bet on yourself. Let's freaking go. Now let's do rule number two. Rule number two is if you just tremble in your boots when you think about doing the things that you'd love to do, let's get selfish. What is it that more confidence would have you be doing differently?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When you think about those things, speaking up at work, Launching your business, tackling your health issues, putting your online dating profile up and getting yourself back out there because you're ready and you're ready to have some fun again. When you start thinking about how confidence would change your life, I guarantee you, you're still going to feel a little nervous.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
So here's a second tool that's going to help you try. You can use the power of objectivity. Create an alter ego. This can be fun, you know? We don't have to like white knuckle this confidence thing. Let's have some fun with it because there's a study out of Johns Hopkins that I love. And it's about letting go of self-doubt. And the study suggests that when you use an alter ego...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
or you create a vision of the future you, the person you want to become, it gives you distance from the scaredy cat you who's never done this thing before. You know what I always ask myself? I go, well, what would The Rock do in this situation? I just love Dwayne Johnson, The Rock. I constantly use him when it comes to confidence. What would The Rock do in this moment?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I always get an answer and it feels less personal. You can use the rock. You can use me. What would Mel do if you're feeling unsure and you want to tap into the confidence that you kind of pick up on for me? And this also taps into behavioral activation therapy. Decades of research show that when you start acting like the person you want to become in the future now,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
in your present life, it's one of the fastest ways for you to change your mindset, for you to create new habits. Why? Because when you start acting like the person you want to become, you start acting like that person today, what are you doing? You're trying. You're trying to act like the future you would act. So let's go back to our first question, Heather.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Maybe you see them and they're talking on stage or presenting something or maybe it's a friend of yours and they just seem to make one bold decision after another. Nothing bothers them. Somebody criticizes them, rolls off their back. Maybe they jump out of a job and then they're starting a business. And you know what? I want to tell you something. These people, they are not special.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When she acts like the Heather two years from now, who's now gotten another promotion because she just slayed it in this role. The Heather today is trying to be the Heather she wants to become. Isn't that cool? Alex sitting in the classroom, surrounded by all these high achievers.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And this is a topic that is worth your time. And so let's just cut to the chase. And I'm gonna be super clear about this. Confidence is not something you're born with. It is not some magic trait that only a lucky few people have. Confidence is a skill. And just like any other skill, you can learn it, you can practice it, and you can master it. And it doesn't matter where you're starting from.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When she acts like the Alex she wants to be two years from now, who's earned her doctorate, who is able to express her ideas. When she acts like that version of herself, she's trying. How cool is this? It all just ladders right back to the research. That's why you can trust what I'm telling you. Another tool that you can use to build the skill of confidence is prepare.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because the more that you practice something, the more you're trying and the more competent you're going to be. So if you are nervous and you can't shake the nerves, double down on preparing. That's right, do rehearsals, run through it. Why? Because every time you rehearse something, you're trying it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And it gives your mind and your nervous system the ability to lower the stress because your mind and your nervous system have prepared so you know what's coming. See, practice doesn't make perfect. Practice prepares you. And what's one other thing about practice? What's the first thing that you learned about confidence? Again, I come back to the definition. It's the willingness to try.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
That's how you put the definition into life by practicing, preparing for something, practicing something over and over and over. Whether you're, you know, like the Williams sisters who literally stood there and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls before they were even allowed to enter a tournament. What were they doing? They're building the skill of confidence.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You want to be confident? Prove it by preparing. I use this all the time. I laugh like, you know, you see me get in front of a YouTube camera or you see me walk onto a stage or you listen to one of my audio books. You're like, how do you do that? I've prepared. I mean, just think back into your own life. Think about those moments in high school or college where you weren't prepared for the test.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
How nervous were you? You were shaking in your boots. You couldn't even concentrate. You knew walking into the test that you were screwed. Now think about a moment when you actually studied, which is just you practicing. You feel calmer, more assured. Why? Because you were willing to try by sitting in the stacks in the library instead of going out. And that's what I'm talking about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
This is something you build. Let me tell you about tool number four. I love this. This is a mindset reframe. Because you got the five-second rule. You've got the power of objectivity. What would Mel or The Rock do? You've got preparation. And now let me give you a mindset trick. I love this. I tell myself all the time why it's worth trying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Why is it worth trying something if I'm only going to fail? Why is it worth going for it if I can't make my dreams come true? I'll tell you why. Because everything that you do in life is preparing you for something that hasn't happened yet. What did I tell you about confidence? Confidence is not something you build when you're winning
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I think oftentimes when we're winning, what gets built is arrogance and bravado. And we forget what went into winning at something in the first place. True confidence, the skill of confidence, it's forged in fire. I mean, I've failed more times than I have time to tell you. You guys know that a decade ago, talk about failure, 800 grand in debt, unemployed, drinking my way through my problems.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And all of that heartbreak and headache and breakdown in my life, which was horrendous to go through, it led me to the five second rule. If there was no debt, there was no drinking, there was no heartache, there would be no five second rule. When I was a talk show host, here I was taping a talk show at CBS Broadcast Center here in New York City.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It was a dream of mine to be able to have a daytime talk show. It gets canceled. It was leading me somewhere. Where? To this podcast, which is my most favorite thing that I've ever done in my career. I choose not to stay in a place of self-doubt. I choose not to wallow in failure because I know that life is always preparing you for something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I know that your greatest failures, your biggest heartbreaks, they always teach you the most important lessons in life. You know, and I keep getting questions from you guys. Mel, oh my God, you're so confident. Like you keep reinventing yourself. You keep trying new things like this podcast. What is it inside you, Mel?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
What is it inside me that makes me take all these risks, that makes me constantly try new things, that makes me willing to fail, to do something embarrassing or even disastrous? I'll tell you what it is. I want to get as much out of this life as I possibly can. And if you look at the math, I'm halfway through it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It doesn't matter if you feel stuck right now or you're unsure. It doesn't matter, by the way, if you think you're confident. Because even if you think you're confident,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And it scares me to think that I could be on my deathbed and look back on my life and say, I wish I had had the confidence to try that. I do not want to die and have regrets. And so while I'm here, while I'm breathing, while I'm able to, I am going to follow my curiosity. I am going to follow my heart. I am going to try new things. I am going to do absolutely everything that I can do to grow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
to feel, to learn. And that's going to require me to take risks. That's going to require me to fuck up things. That's going to require me to look stupid. And I'm willing to do that because I know on the other side of the biggest heartbreaks of your life are the most amazing heart-filled moments.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
I know that in the middle of every failure that I experience, and boy, I experience them oftentimes of my own doing, every single failure has, honest to God, equipped me with the lessons and the skill or the wisdom that I needed to to be able to do something even cooler down the line. And I can prove it to you. Just look back on one of the scariest moments of your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
One of the biggest things that you just blew. I bet you can tell me that that horrible thing that happened, that really hard thing that in the moment you were like, why is this happening to me? That right now, no matter what your life looks like, you can sit here and you know exactly what you learned from it. You know that you would not be the person you are today
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
there is a level that's deeper that you can access that is that quiet steely oh my god you kind of scare people confidence that's when you really start to master when there's like a peace in the amount of power and connection you have with yourself and faith that you have in yourself
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
had it not been for that thing that you experience, that you survive, that you learn from. And so what drives me is just wanting to experience as much as I can from this one life that I have. And it's not all gonna be a joy ride. And so I'm willing to take the risk. I'm willing to try. I'm willing to look stupid. And I'm willing to do it because I think the payoff that you get, it's worth it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's so worth it. So this moment is preparing me for something that hasn't happened yet. And that reframe, what it does is it helps me put failure and heartbreak and all the hard shit in life into a box. that is something that stays by my side as I move forward instead of a wall or a block or an obstacle that stops me from continuing to move forward. Because that's how you move forward.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You continue to try. And the final tool when it comes to building the skill of confidence is you have to focus on you because nobody's coming. Like nobody's going to try for you. Nobody is going to be there to motivate you to try. Nobody's going to be there to give you the pep talk. I'm here twice a week.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It really is my mission that our relationship through this podcast is one where you feel empowered and encouraged and you're reminded of who you are, that this is like a little reset, a pep talk, that you get the tools and the encouragement and the high five that you need. But ultimately, it's up to you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And you got to learn how to stop looking at the world around you and what everybody and their mother is doing. And you got to look right back in the mirror because you are the one person that you're going to spend your whole life with. And it's time that you start to focus on that person and getting into a better relationship with that person called you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And that brings me to a question from one of our listeners named Sky.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Oh, Skye. I love how you ended that question. Everybody be kind to yourself. Let's take that because it's true, Skye. So first things, I just want to say, Skye, really proud of you. I'm really proud of you for having the self-awareness to realize that your own habits around social media were... impacting you negatively. You did something about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And you also notice that taking positive action based on your self-awareness, I bet it started to build a little bit of confidence back, right? Right? Absolutely. So I want to say something about social media, everybody. Social media is not good or bad. I'm going to say it again. Social media is not good or bad. I think how we use it is terrible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Most of us are complete idiots when it comes to social media because we give our number one commodity mindlessly away. What is our number one commodity? Our attention. When's the last time you've curated intentionally based on your goals and your dreams? When is the last time that you curated the accounts that you follow?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so I don't care how you're showing up right now, whether life has knocked you down or you're listening because you've got a monster of a game to play. And you know your friend Mel Robbins. I am a competitive MF-er when it comes to business. I do not screw around. I am very intentional. You do not want to be on the other side of a business negotiation with me because you will lose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you want to have a massive breakthrough in happiness, in confidence, in your goals, in your mindset, in your mental health, let me tell you something. Delete every account that you follow.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Write out what your goals are, how you wanna feel, and then curate a list of accounts that you follow based on their alignment with the way that you wanna feel and the things that you want to accomplish in your life. I say that most of us are complete idiots about social media because we follow stuff and we give our attention to content that makes us feel like crap.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so you're doing that to yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you were to delete all the accounts, the celebrities, the mindless crap, the memes, the supermodels that are crazy thin, that make you feel like shit about yourself, the people that are driving Lambos that make you think that you're a loser, the only thing you'd be missing out if you delete all of those is the self-doubt, the self-sabotage, the self-criticism, and the loser mentality that that shit creates in your mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
A lot of times what happens when it comes to confidence...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
is that the stuff that you're allowing into your brain is decreasing your willingness to try because it's making you feel like you're a loser compared to everything that you see, which by the way is fake, and that you feel bad at the end of the day because you blew three hours mindlessly looking at crap when you got big dreams and goals to fulfill for yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You think Beyonce, who has now won more Grammys than anybody else on the planet, you think she wastes three hours a day on social media? I don't think so. Do you think the accounts that she follows are for her goals and her dreams and for her mental health and confidence or against them? Just ask yourself that. And so number one, you got to focus on you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And that means getting serious about what you let into your mind. And so takeaway now, like delete who you follow. If I make you feel bad, do not follow me on social media. Don't do it. Only follow people and accounts and content that help you, that inspire you, that lift you up, that entertain you, that make you feel good. You're giving them your attention.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
They're making money off your attention. Please take it seriously. And here's one more thing. Think about what you put out. Does what you post create self-doubt? Or are you willing to try using social media in a way where you can be yourself? Where you don't need the filter. You don't need the perfect photo.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You don't need to worry about getting the right thing up so that people saw that you were at the party and the right look and the this, that, and the other. And you were so worried about it. You're in the bathroom posting and you don't even enjoy the party. Are you willing to just be you?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
That is how confident I am. And so this is a skill I am constantly working on. So if you're looking to level up your game or make more money, you, my friend, are in the right place. Because you do those things not by bluster. You do those things by building steely confidence and faith and belief in yourself. That's how you do it. So here's what we're going to do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because so much of the self-doubt that we all feel is because we spend so much of our time and energy and attention focusing on things that don't matter. And so I'm not surprised, Sky, that getting off social media helped because you realized the input was making you doubt yourself.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You realized that you were wasting time and you realized that there was some crazy power that came back to you when you were willing to try a different way. And so again, I don't think that social media is good or bad. I think how we use it is terrible and you can use it for good.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I just explained that if you are willing to try and get very serious about your goals and how you want to feel, social media can be a huge, huge additive in helping you achieve those things because you'll see examples of people that are also trying. You'll see The Rock or other people that inspire you, that will inspire you to try bigger things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You'll see positive accounts that remind you that yes, you are bigger than this moment, that this moment is leading you somewhere and you have within you not only the willingness to try, but you have the willingness to face absolutely anything in your life and you have the ability to take action, which is what changes everything. Confidence is your birthright. It is a skill that you build.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It is a habit that you keep. It does for all of us. And you are going to fall. You are going to fail. You are going to have dark moments. You are going to feel lost.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And what I want you to know is if you are willing to get up every single day and dust yourself off and learn the lesson and tell yourself that every day you're getting a little bit better and you are the kind of person that knows that eventually this is leading you where you meant to go and you're just gonna get up and you're gonna try again and you're gonna do that thing, you, my friend,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
are not only going to be practicing and building confidence, you are going to feel it too. In case nobody else tells you, I'm going to tell you that I love you. I believe in you and I believe in your ability to try the things that scare it out of you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And I believe in your ability to tap into the power inside you and this one extraordinary, ordinary life that you have and make it everything that you want it to be because you deserve that. All right. I love you. I'll talk to you in a few days.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Here we go. Okay. Here we go. Oh, are you ready? Okay. Let's have some fun. And it's like, Oh, like I, hold on a second. It's like, and that's what we're going to talk about next. Wait, what is it? Yeah. Okay. Gotcha. Wait, hold on. Oh, gotcha. Okay. I got, sorry. And the, and the, hold on a second. Okay. Fabulous. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
In today's conversation, I'm just gonna break it all down for you using questions from listeners around the world. And we're gonna go through the exact steps that can take you from feeling uncertain or stuck or insecure or beating yourself up or questioning or all of the BS that a lack of confidence creates in your life
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
to starting to build this skill so you can tap into it and start taking risks and start believing in yourself. Start taking different actions. Start speaking up for yourself. Start making more money. Start swinging for bigger clients. How about the confidence to leave the relationship that you know isn't right for you? How about them apples? I mean, that would be pretty cool. Don't you think?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
How about the confidence to have some boundaries? How about the confidence to not take people's crap as much as you do? That'd be pretty awesome. I know it would be. So how about we dig into this? And one more thing. If you're sitting here listening to this today and you're like, God, I'd like to ask Mel a question. Great. Let's take the first step. MelRobbins.com slash podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Get in there and let's go. And speaking of going, it's time for us to get going on this masterclass. And here's how I want to start it. I want to start it by giving some credit to one of your fellow listeners. Her name is Heather, and she is the one who submitted this question. And it inspired me to have this conversation with you today.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Heather, I absolutely love that you asked this question. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love the topic of confidence. The very confident Mel Robbins that you see right now is not the woman I used to be. And I have spent years researching this topic. and also teaching it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so everything that I am going to share with you today is grounded in decades of research, the latest studies, and it all comes from a big body of work that I've published. One of the most popular courses on LinkedIn is called The Science of Confidence, and your friend Mel Robbins created it and teaches it for LinkedIn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Confidence isn't just something that some people are born with. It is built over time. And look, I know that I probably am one of the most confident people that you have in your life. I didn't start out this way. I may have had some swagger, but it was a bunch of BS. There's a difference between being like loud on the outside and true grounded confidence on the inside.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
There's a lot that I have to share about this that I can't wait for you to learn. So Heather, and you listening, When you have more confidence, you get paid more, you will have a better job, you will be more admired by people, you will be listened to with more intention, you'll have greater influence. And confidence is a topic and a skill that I want absolutely everybody to learn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because based on the research, confidence is for all of us. Anybody can learn the five simple tools that are grounded in the research in order to build greater confidence, in order to break through self-doubt. The more that you build confidence in your life, the greater the ability to say no and not even be bothered by what other people are going to feel. Why?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because you realize you would rather be respected than be liked. And see, this need to be liked or to look good is part of the reason why you doubt yourself all the time. I want you to bring that power back internally. That's what the skill of confidence does. So I think it kind of begs the question, if confidence is something that we all want, why is it so hard to master? I'll tell you why.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because when it comes to the research around confidence, it is some of the most dry, boring, boring. No offense to the confidence researchers and writers out there. But I'm talking if you have trouble sleeping, just print out a study about confidence. That'll put you into deep REM sleep. It's also confusing. And even Google isn't much of a help on this topic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you search how to be confident, you know what the top results, one of them says, be true to you. What the hell does that even mean? Be true to you. And honestly, be true to you. That is not what the research says.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
The problem and why it's hard for people to develop the skill of confidence is the research has not been boiled down into tactical information that you can apply to your day-to-day life. And that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in. So here's your first assignment on today's podcast, because you know we're not just listening here.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
This is a doing podcast, and we're going to make this tactical and relevant immediately. Assignment number one, I want you to listen a particular way. I want you to listen and think what's in it for me. And so let me ask you a question. If you had more confidence, like I could go and boom, you have more confidence than you've ever had in your entire life. How would your life be different?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
How would your future be different? Now, Heather has already shared that she has this awesome promotion, which she clearly earned. I mean, businesses don't just give those out as charity. If a business has promoted or hired you, they believe in your ability to execute. But now she's freaking out. Now, when you think about confidence, how would more confidence help Heather's life be different?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Well, confidence would allow Heather to step into that role, right? And she would be able to lose the self-doubt and the imposter syndrome and the panicking. And she'd be able to act like the leader that the organization promoted her to be, right? Without all the like nervousness and crap going on in her head. What about you? Let's get selfish.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
What would more confidence allow you to do that you're not currently doing? Would you be able to say no? Would you be better with boundaries? Are there more risks you would take? Is there a conversation you've been avoiding with yourself or someone else? Would you be able to stand up for yourself, advocate more for yourself, ask for what you need? What about work? Would you be more visible?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Would you speak up more? All of that that you just envisioned, it's all within your reach. And so let's talk about something that Heather said. Heather said in her question that she doesn't quote, feel confident in the new role. I don't feel confident. And so I want to start by giving you a definition of confidence that will change your ability to build it as a skill.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
This definition of confidence I have been sharing for years, and I think I created it based on the research because I haven't really seen it out there before. And this definition is going to surprise you because it's a definition of confidence that puts the research into action. See, here's the mistake that everybody makes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this is because I have been seeing so many questions come in from listeners around the world about confidence. How do you gain it? How do you keep it? How do you build it back when life knocks you down? And the fact is, confidence is a skill. It's a skill that you can learn. It's a skill that you can build.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Heather made the mistake because she said that I don't, quote, feel confident. And I bet you're making this mistake with confidence too. Based on the research, that's where we get it wrong. Confidence is not a feeling. Confidence is embodied in action. My definition of confidence is confidence is the willingness to try. I'm going to say it again.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Your new definition of confidence embodied by the research, confidence is the willingness to try. Confidence is an action. That's what it is. And this phenomenon has been heavily researched by social psychologists. See, there's this positive feedback loop that happens when you're willing to try something before you feel ready.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
When you're willing to step into that leadership role and put yourself out there and take risks and make mistakes and shove that self-doubt to the side. When you're willing to try something neuroscience research says that you create something called a confidence-competence loop. And let me explain this to you because there's a lot of common sense here, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Every single time you try something new, you're either going to be really good at it or you're going to be terrible at it, right? But you always learn something. but you have to try. So Heather is going to step into this new role. She's trying out a new role. She's either going to be really good at it or she's going to be miserable at it. But here's the thing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
If you try something for the first time, You're either going to fail or succeed, but you always learn something. And that's where this confidence, competence loop and the neuroscience research comes in. Because even when you try, when you learn a little something, you gain a little competency, right? So the second time, because of everything that you learned the first time around,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
it gets a little bit easier. It gets a little bit better, but it all begins with being willing to try no matter where you're starting from. Because if you are the kind of person that's always willing to try, you will always grow and you will always learn.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And the more that you try and the more that you learn, the less you doubt yourself, the less resistance that you have and bada bing, bada boom, all of a sudden you feel confident in this new role. All of a sudden you feel confident doing a backflip off a boat because you tried a thousand times and your belly flopped and you embarrassed yourself and you got a wedgie. And then what do you know?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Because you were willing to keep trying, all of that competency gained of trying over and over and over and over again. It's how you gained mastery. Feeling confident is kind of, it's almost like the wrong way to say it because that's what you feel after you've done it over and over and over again. But true confidence begins the moment you're willing to try, okay?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
And so I really think it's important. I can give you another example. The first time somebody handed me chopsticks, I had no idea how to use them. Was I nervous about... picking them up and I couldn't get like my fingers to twist in the way that you're supposed to. And it was super embarrassed and they kept like flipping across the table. And here's the thing, I didn't know how to use them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
But isn't it common sense that there's no way I was going to learn how to use them if I wasn't willing to try? See, being confident and the skill of confidence is the difference between saying, sure, hand me the chopsticks. I'd love to try. I'm willing to look like an idiot. I'm willing to be a beginner first versus going, can you get me a fork? I don't know how to use those.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
It's a skill that you need and deserve in your life. And once you understand the simple science and research about how you build the skill of confidence, you got it. You can tap into it anytime, anywhere, any way that you want when you want it to show up in your life. And today I'm taking your questions and I'm going to teach you the science of confidence so you can learn the skill. Let's go.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence
Do you see the difference? The skill begins with being willing to try. You gotta remember what you're seeing is a person on the Today Show who has been working hard for 10 years, trying over and over and over and over and learning and failing. That's what you're witnessing. You're witnessing competency, but the skill is something different. The skill of confidence is trying.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm just sitting here trying to find the words to explain the conversation that I just had that you're about to listen to. I'm blown away. You're about to meet somebody who just changed my life, and there is no doubt in my mind that everything that you're about to learn will forever change you as a person.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You can learn more about Celebrity Cruises at celebritycruises.com. Visit celebrity.com for details, ships registry, Malta, and Ecuador. Thank you so much for having me. if you're a brand new listener. And I suspect there's gonna be a lot of brand new listeners around the world that come in through this particular episode because I know you're gonna share this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So what is available? to the person who's listening to you right now. And if you could speak directly to them, whether they are a parent who has a child like just spiraling from an eating disorder or spiraling with behavior issues at schools and they're getting kicked out and they're lost or You have somebody in your life that's spiraling with addiction.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What do you want to say to that person directly about what's available to them in this conversation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
The way you just explained that makes me see it completely differently.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You were talking about skills. Can you just list off some of the skills that people that we may be dealing with in our families or at work or in life are missing that create challenging behavior?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And you know what else I just kind of got as I'm listening to you? I need to manage my face because I think I look like I'm in a state of shock the entire time I'm listening to you. So I'm like, where were you 30 years ago? You're here now, and we're all going to learn from you now, is that as you were explaining the two-year-old,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Then if you don't have the language and communication skills, it would be completely age appropriate and normal for you to exhibit challenging behavior because you don't have the language and communication skills to express what you need.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
That's how incredible what you're about to learn is going to be. And so welcome, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. You have picked a winner to jump into the Mel Robbins Podcast. And you know what it tells me? It tells me that you're the type of person who values your time. and that you're also interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life and your relationships.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Wow. The opportunity for all of us to look at any challenging behavior or any frustrating or scary dynamic with another human being as a skill issue is incredible. You've covered one of the five skills and that was communication and language.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Right. And then also what's confounding, whether you have a child who's a gamer or you have a young adult in your life or a significant other who's a gamer, you look at the fact that they can focus there. Yes. And then you're like, why the hell can't you pick up your shoes or pay attention or keep a job?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
See, I have both- And I'm exhibiting it in the middle of this interview.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, Dr. Ablon, my memory not working right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And today, you're gonna leave a changed person. I know I am. I have been following the work of the extraordinary Dr. Stuart Ablon for years, and I am so thrilled that we finally have him here today so that you and I can learn from him, we can grow, we can become better people, and we can use his research-backed approach to help us deal with the challenging people in our life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because, and I just want to make sure we unpack this because I think this is really important because a lot of us get in this loop, especially with kids or even with people in our lives that are adults where you literally like, let's give an example because I'm thinking about like a kid who is not studying at school and you start hammering them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You got to get more motivated, get your grades up or else you're going to get on academic probation and then you're going to get kicked out. Well, if you have poor impulse control, you're going to go party all weekend or you're going to blow off class because you don't have the ability to think about the fact that this is going to happen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And then when it happens, it's not really that motivating because you still don't have the impulse control to think about the consequences if you don't get your act together to get back into school.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that's why it's so frustrating to the rest of us Because you can see the consequences and you're like, why is this idiot not seeing what's about to happen? Do they not care about their family or their life or their future or my feelings or all that? So I can see how not seeing impulse control as a skill
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now, Dr. Stuart Ablon is an award-winning psychologist. He has over 30 years of experience, and he is an expert on challenging behavior. He's also the founder and director of Think Kids, which is a program in the Department of Psychiatry at Mass General Hospital. He's a professor at Harvard Medical School, and he started all of his work and research
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
that could be developed creates this real, like, almost toxic situation between you and another person where you just lose your power, they lose theirs, you're now in this weird standoff, and it spirals.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, and what you know that I think would be helpful for the person listening to hear and understand is that the majority of people that end up in jail actually are missing these skills or have a learning disability or have impulse control issues. So it is not ever... That you're dealing with a, quote, bad human being.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You're dealing with somebody who would do well if they can, and they didn't have the conditions or the skill building that would have helped them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Yeah. Yeah, and it makes it heartbreaking. And that's why I'm thrilled that you're here because I think seeing these five skills that are things that anybody can learn, but when you're missing it, creates challenging behavior. This is the heart of what we're talking about because it allows you to approach any dynamic with any human being in a very different way. You got it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Dr. Avalon, I have so many more questions. There's so much I want to dig into with you. I need to take a short pause to hear a word from our amazing sponsors. While you're listening to our sponsors, share this with people in your life. This information, the wisdom, the research that Dr. Avalon is teaching you and me today, it will change your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I can already feel things shifting inside me and I'm sure you can too. So take a moment, share this with somebody and don't go anywhere because Dr. Avalon has so much more to teach us and we're going to be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today you and I are getting to spend time together with the amazing Dr. Stuart Ablon.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
He's teaching us how to help people change in our lives and how to deal with challenging behavior by first understanding the source of it. So Dr. Ablon, what is skill number four?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And what is flexible thinking?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
with children, but has found that everything that he's learned about dealing with somebody who's exhibiting challenging behavior, you know, they're frustrating you or you're deeply worried about them, that everything that you're about to learn applies to any relationship. It applies to adults. It applies to coworkers. It applies to your marriage. You're going to love this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What's interesting is, I don't know if as you're listening to Dr. Ablon, you're like, that's me, that's me, that's me, that's me. I'm checking all five and I'm missing all of them. But what's interesting to me is that I can say that I definitely default to that all or none. Like things are absolutely fabulous or they're horrendous or it's going to be amazing or this is the worst.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
My husband and kids often feel like they're on this emotional roller coaster with me because they're not quite sure. Are we going to get the Mel who's at level 100? Are we going to get her at zero? And I work at this. So I hear what you're saying as a skill. Like I have to practice these tools of catching my own thinking. Yes. And wanting to have a mindset that is more flexible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And over time, I've absolutely become way more flexible.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Absolutely. This is so empowering. What is the fifth?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I love the title of his new bestselling book, Changeable, The Surprising Science Behind Helping Anyone Change. And that's what the conversation is all about today. How you can use science to help anyone in your life, no matter how challenging or scary the situation might be. Yes, you can help them change. Dr. Ablon, it is such an honor to meet you. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I can also think of things like, especially in the social behavior, like if you're somebody that just doesn't have the skill of the cues. Yes. You're the awkward kid or the awkward person at work that just stands a little too close to everybody.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Or like close talker, or you follow somebody too closely into the bathroom and you just don't know. Yes. That that then becomes its own thing that makes you start to wonder, why don't I have friends? And why do I feel like I don't belong here?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And so how does missing those skills create this dynamic that is challenging for us with other people?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Please, because I think where we're going now is, especially if you think about it from a parenting context, that when you get frustrated, you then discipline and you punish and you scream or yell or timeouts or whatever it may be. Yeah. And what is the impact if we're dealing with a skill situation?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Where I want to start is, could you just tell the person listening what they could experience in their life that would be different if they really take to heart everything that you're about to share with us and teach us today?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
We call that a smucker's grandparent. You know how they used to put them on TV?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Yes, with the smucker's jam. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'd love to have you talk a little bit about That sentiment that some parents have or some people have that's like, well, you know, nobody talked to me about that and I turned out okay. Like how you address that sort of generational pattern and cynicism that has been passed down through families and in our society.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm really glad that you said that because when you go back to the five things that are skills that are missing if somebody is exhibiting challenging behavior and now you're connecting the dots to any form of trauma is interfering with your ability to have those five skills, whether you're talking about racism or poverty or having a parent going through a struggle or financial hardship or
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
a parent that's absent or mental illness or abuse, like all of these things.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Impact your ability to develop these skills, which then impact the behavior that then becomes seen by the outside world as challenging.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So, Dr. Avalon, I'm totally bought in. Give me the step-by-step.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So you've got somebody in your life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
that has a problem. And it could be anything from somebody who has a mental health issue and is not taking their meds or using their tools. It could be somebody who is not looking for a job. It could be a kid who is oppositional.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm in. This may seem like a hard question, but in the 30 years of clinical psychology experience and being the founder of the Think Kids program at Mass General Hospital, what are some of the biggest takeaways that you have from your career truly working with parents and kids specifically?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Okay, so plan A is I'm getting them out of bed.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You have to choose the approach and choose it powerfully.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Got it. OK, this is so I just want to make sure that as you're listening, you get step one is you're going to list out everything that's frustrating you. And then you're going to choose between these three plans.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Got it, okay.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You know what I love about this conversation is that You know, all of this work that I'm doing about saying let them and then saying let me. When you say let them, you're choosing plan C. But then when you say the second part, which is let me, you come back to your work, which is let me actually follow what works when I'm ready to do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because you're recognizing the way you've been doing it isn't working. It's just backfiring. And this is out of your control at the moment. And so you're choosing not to stress yourself out about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So let's say you, and again, I think what's fascinating to continue to remind you as you're listening is that this applies for any situation, whether you can't get your kid out of bed or whether you have somebody spiraling with an eating disorder who is refusing treatment.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Dr. Avalon, I wish I knew this 30 years ago. And I need to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. I'm going to give you a chance to just kind of let all of that sink in. And of course, please share this with people that you care about and don't go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you with Dr. Avalon and so much more to unpack with you after a short break.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins today. You and I are getting to learn from the extraordinary Dr. Stuart Ablon from Mass General Hospital. He's the founder of Think Kids. And Dr. Ablon, let's just jump right back in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So let's say you're in a really challenging situation with somebody. Whether I was in a situation with my husband who was struggling with depression, did not want to seek treatment. I have a number of friends that are dealing with situations with adult kids who are struggling with mental health or struggling with an eating disorder, also mental health. And it's a wildly frustrating dynamic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
It will change how you think about relationships, how you think about yourself. It'll change how you parent, how you show up at work. I mean, this is one of those conversations that sticks with you for a lifetime. Dr. Stuart Ablon, who has been a clinical psychologist for over 30 years practicing at Mass General Hospital here in Boston,
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And when you say challenging behavior.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So how do we do that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What do you put in that bucket?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I don't know who said this, but when I heard this, I was like, oh, I think I understand what empathy, especially as a parent, but also truly is. in any relationship means. They said, it's not your child's job to help you understand them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
It's your job to figure out who they are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
No, it doesn't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, thank God, because we all need to know how to do this, because I don't think any of us really, I think we do it performatively. Yes. Where we want to try to understand, but we don't know how to step into someone else's shoes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And really attempt to understand what it's like being them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And what would you tell the person who's listening right now who's either overwhelmed or burnt out or just tired of dealing with a person or a particular issue in their life? And they're just like, is this ever going to end? Is this ever going to get better?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now you had your session with Dr. Adlon and now you're going to come check the boxes and then drag me back to therapy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
That is so disarming. Like, even as I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of somebody. Yeah. Because what you've probably experienced is the tension and the pressure and the judgment and the standoff and the only way that you can feel some semblance of control over your life is to resist what somebody's trying to make you do.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Just to recap to make sure I'm tracking. The first thing is for you to really sit down and take a look at what is the specific dynamic and when does it happen that is bothering you. And then you have to make a conscious decision about whether you're going to go with plan A, which is imposing what you want, which we know doesn't work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Plan B, which is the kind of collaborative approach based in the research and the neuroscience and all of the work that you do, which is about you activating this helping relationship.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Or there's plan C, which is just use the let them theory and make a decision and say, let them. And I'm going to say, let me come back to this when I'm ready to follow Dr. Ablon's approach. And now we're at the part where you have sat down and you have really led with empathy. Yep. And we have asked the open-ended questions.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I forgot the second part because I'm missing skill number two, where you have the ability to have a working memory. So I'm going to be in there as I'm listening going, one, two, three. Okay. So what's the next step?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now, let me ask a question about this, though, because you've just reassured them you're not doing anything. So should you do it in that conversation or how do you set this up so it doesn't feel like a bait and switch?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You know what? I just had a huge breakthrough. This is one of the skills that I need because I think whenever I get worried or frustrated, I default immediately to problem solving mode.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that creates a tremendous number of problems in my life because I'm either running people over Or I'm frustrated because I see a solution that I think works, but now somebody feels like they're being minimized or micromanaged. Yep.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, and also mine. And also when you got the one hand up, it looks like you're about to get smacked. So no, I'm serious. Like the visual is really good because if you think about it, like the whole three-step approach is about getting their worries and their experience on the table and your worries, but zero solution right now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And then you're working- Just like, let's talk about what we're both concerned about.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Oh, adult, child, both. That's why. So it's adult, both, child. I got it. That's why there's three plans. You're a genius.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, because you got to keep yourself-
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I think that's a critical thing here is it's one thing to understand somebody. It's a completely different way to go through life and want to actually understand what somebody's going through and where they're coming from. Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Let's walk through that one because I think that's a huge concern. I was talking to somebody who is actually very worried about their father. So he's our age and his father is now retired.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
On his iPad all day, goes to bed with it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And his mom is upset about it. I mean, there's a real addiction there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And he's very concerned. He doesn't know how to address it. And so I think it's probably the same conversation, whether you're talking to a 10-year-old or you're talking to an 80-year-old.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, that's cool. So it sounds like what we're going to learn from you today is an entirely different way to look at and approach a situation where someone's pissing you off.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, we're going to link to it in the notes of this episode because I'm sure people are really interested in that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm so excited to try this. I am curious what you're seeing in your work when it comes to young adults, because it seems, at least maybe it's just what my friends and I are talking about, but it seems like there's a tremendous amount of challenges with parenting kids in their late teens and into their 20s. Yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
How do you think about this in terms of the challenging dynamics that you're seeing?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Which is you're doing this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And what is your advice about the financial piece? Because I think it's a very tricky dynamic. Yes. Because the fact is, you know, when I look at the city of Boston where we're sitting right now, I saw a statistic that housing prices have gone up 78% in three years here. No, it's absurd. It's absurd.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And, you know, I think about when I was a young lawyer working at Legal Aid, my parents helped me pay rent. I couldn't afford the rent and groceries. Yes. But then you get into this dynamic where you might be helping your kid, but then you see them going out and you see them buying things. And then you start to have opinions about how they're using their money.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I see it with so many of our friends. We've experienced this in our family where you want to help if you can. Yeah. Yes. And that in and of itself is a wonderful place to be in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
No. And you also start to feel like I'm contributing to the, quote, lack of motivation. But if we go all the way back to the beginning where you said kids do well if they can. Yeah, it's not a lack of motivation. What is it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
It's a lack of skills to deal with the new world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
One family is going to say- My concern is you're going to never get your act together and I'm going to be paying for your ass the rest of your life. So we might rephrase that slightly. Okay, slightly. This is not a safe place, Doug.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, how do we say, how do you say it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because I'm worried. I'm worried about you finding your way. I'm worried about you being, now I'm about to get upset. I'm worried about you being happy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm worried about you like feeling successful.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Yeah. Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I love this. Thank you for also painting the landscape against which we're actually living right now and understanding that it is very different than when we were in our 20s or our teens or our 30s. Like a completely different world that impacts you and the five skills that you've been talking about. And one of the things that I love about your work is that it feels as though
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Following everything that you've taught us today gives you the ability to change the way things have always been in your family. And I look at a lot of the incredible research that's been done around trauma and trauma the kind of takeaways that people can only give you what they have to give. People just repeat the things that are done to them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I wanted to share something with you because I found it to be so extraordinarily powerful. And it was an appearance that Des Bryant, who is a former NFL player who played for eight seasons for the Cowboys, he was on this podcast that I personally love called The Pivot. And he had talked about how he had a really difficult upbringing. His mom was a teen mom. His dad wasn't around.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that he's really focused on trying to give his kids the support that he didn't get as a kid. And so he has this quote in his phone. And he pulled it out on the podcast and read it. And just, it was so emotional. And I want to share it with you and just get your thoughts.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Dr. Stuart Ablon, what are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Oh, I just love you. I just love you. I am so happy you're here. Thank you for sharing your work. Thank you for doing your work. I'm excited because I feel like I'm going to be a better parent and a better spouse and a better colleague and a better human being because of you. I can't wait to have you back. And I know that this is going to be shared all around the world.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And I really hope, my wish for you...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
um as you've been listening is that you listen to this with the people that you care about that's my hope and uh one more thing in case no one else tells you i wanted to be sure to tell you that i love you i believe in you and i believe in your ability to create a better life and you and i just got the road map to doing that with other people and with ourselves and i cannot wait to see what happens when you use it alrighty i'll be waiting for you in the next episode i'll see you there
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Well, what I immediately think about, and I'm sure we're going to unpack this in great detail, is I think about situations in my life, whether it's dealing with our son Oakley when he was in the fourth grade and we were just figuring out that he had dyslexia and ADHD and he was super lonely and felt like an outsider and we were trying to help. but everything was a standoff and a fight.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Love, love, love. All right. All right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
All right. Dr. Stewart, Albon. I already said it wrong. Jesus. Here goes the dyslexia.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
How do you say it?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Avalon. You got it. I think I was going to say Avalon.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
This is what I mean. Is this too long? Because my husband was like, this damn cat. And I'm like, Chris, he can't tell you that he's sad. Yes. Because he's only doing it in front of Oakley's door, which is shut.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
So what is step two?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You're so good. I do. Oh my God. The whole time I'm trying to be present, I'm like, we should write a children's book together. We should do this. Let's go on tour. Ha ha ha. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher. Hey, thanks for sticking around for this bonus segment about the importance of breaking out of your routine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Has it ever occurred to you that not taking a break and working yourself into the ground, that that has become your new routine? That's a terrible routine. And I don't want you to go through life like that, and neither does the sponsor of this special bonus segment, Celebrity Cruises. They asked me to talk to you about breaking out of this routine where all you do is work.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And this is a very important topic because if you don't learn how to take breaks and step away, then you're going to sail through your life and get to the end of it and realize you never actually did anything that made you happy. And we're not going to let that happen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You have to make it part of your new routine to get away, to take breaks, and dare I say, plan things that make you happy and that allow you to enjoy yourself. And speaking of enjoying yourself, before we jump into this whole topic about how work can become your routine and how you got to break out of it, I want to tell you a little bit about our sponsor, Celebrity Cruises.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Our friends at Celebrity Cruises go to nearly 300 incredible destinations across seven continents. I mean, just picture yourself soaking up the rich history and vibrant culture of Europe. That's breaking out of your routine right now. Or getting lost in the wild beauty of Alaska. Or imagine, oh my gosh, stretching out on the white pinky sands in the beaches of the Caribbean and the ships.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
They aren't just a way to get somewhere. They're destinations in and of themselves. And it makes it so easy to break out of your routine from the rooms to the food to the entertainment. There's something amazing around every corner. And you know what? Maybe that's all your life is missing. You're just so caught up in work, work, work or school, school, school.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Or when another situation, my husband, was going through a really bad bout of depression and I wanted to help, but I just couldn't find a way in. And I can think about challenging people in my extended family where I'm like, I'd like to help you be a better person because you piss me off and annoy me, but where it almost feels like a deadlock in terms of the dynamic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
You can't even see what's right around the corner. I lived years of my life like that, never taking vacation, too tired, too this, too that. You deserve to break free from this trap. And, you know, I want to add something to the conversation because I found this survey that kind of blew my mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Did you know that more than half of the people surveyed made a life-changing decision while they were on vacation? In fact, I have made all of my major life decisions that way. I have decided to quit a job. I've decided to sell a house. I have decided that I'm going to go to therapy. When?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
When I'm on a beach or when I'm in the mountains or when I'm out on a ship at sea, staring at the endless, beautiful horizon. Why does that happen? Because a change in your environment, what does it do? It breaks your routine, which does what? It gives you a completely different change in your perspective. It's like the fresh wind of confidence blows in.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And that's available to you the moment you A, wake up and realize, I got to break this work routine I'm in. And you B, plan a trip to go somewhere. Because if you just keep doing what you've always done, you're going to keep feeling like you always feel, period. Plan a trip. Pull out that calendar and find the third week of some month that you could just say, that's mine right there.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I dare you to do it. And I want to do a big shout out again to Celebrity Cruises for saying, hey, I would love to sponsor a segment on this, Mel. Could you do a bonus segment and just help people shake things up and remind everybody of how important that is? And Celebrity Cruises, they offer travel that will push you out of your comfort zone in the best way. It'll make you feel so alive.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I mean, just imagine the perfect balance of a smaller, intimate ship with all the incredible options of a larger one. World-class restaurants, endless entertainment, gorgeous elevated rooms. Celebrity Cruises will help you get out of your routine and into something extraordinary. Learn more at CelebrityCruises.com. Visit Celebrity.com for details, ships registry, Malta, and Ecuador.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And it's as if they don't want help and you don't know what to do. And so are you saying it's possible for us to change our approach and that changes what happens?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
just came in here and taught me some of the most important things that I have ever learned in my life. I cannot wait for you to hear this. I cannot wait for you to share this with the people that you love. And it is my absolute honor to share it with you. If you're kind of in one of those modes where you're just like tired of your day-to-day life, it's like the same old, same old.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
I love this. And what I really want to make sure that I highlight as you're listening is that sentence, kids do well if they can. And adults do well if they can. And I am so... I guess, hopeful. And I feel better knowing that we're starting from a position based on 30 years of research where you've seen over and over and over again, everybody wants to do better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
And if you provide the right conditions, they can get better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
But that's not what's normally standing in someone's way, is it? I think that's where it's going.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Please don't. If you're watching this podcast on YouTube, you're seeing my mouth slowly open wider and wider as my jaw is hitting the ground because this is the simplest explanation for and the most empowering and encouraging explanation I have ever heard.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What if I told you that's a good thing? Because it means you're ready to make a change. And in a special bonus segment at the very end of the episode, I'm going to show you some research-backed ways to break out of a rut. And I want to thank our sponsor, Celebrity Cruises, for bringing me the opportunity to be able to talk to you about this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
for how to change the way you look at other people in your life, whether like me, you're a boss and you're trying to motivate your team or you're a parent like we both are and you're trying to motivate your kids or you're dating somebody and you're like, boy, I wish you'd take better care of yourself and you're trying to motivate them. And you jump so quickly into
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
To the judgment and the frustration or the, and I'm focusing on frustration and people's behavior that pisses you off because it feels accessible and lighter because it can quickly go to the serious stuff where somebody's really struggling. and you feel like super hopeless, like that becomes very like scary to think about, but it's going to be the exact same model.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Because we're starting in the exact same place with either kids or adults, which is kids do well if they can. And if you start there, instead of judging a lack of willpower or discipline or motivation, you go, okay, well, what are the conditions for doing well?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What, have you been in the car rides with me and my kids or at the kitchen? Dr. Avalon, come on now.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Now, I see you brought something.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
What is that letter that you have there?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Which, what does that mean?