The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Get What You Want Every Time: 3 Steps to Negotiate Anything With Anyone
Thu, 22 May 2025
Right now, there’s something you want. Maybe you need help at home, more support from your partner, or it’s time to set a boundary at work. But you’re avoiding the conversation. Why? Because it feels hard. You don’t want conflict, you don’t want to upset anyone, and you just don’t know how to bring it up. That ends today. The greatest things in life are on the other side of hard conversations. And in this episode, you will learn the 3 simple steps to have any difficult conversation and get exactly what you want. Mel sits down with world renowned negotiation expert Kwame Christian, CEO of the American Negotiation Institute, to break down exactly how to approach the conversations you’ve been avoiding. Whether you want to negotiate a raise, ask your partner to step up, or finally tell your friend what’s bothering you, this episode is your crash course in how to advocate for yourself. Inside this episode, you’ll learn:-Why avoiding hard conversations is damaging your relationships (and your self-respect) -How to handle someone’s emotional reaction without losing your cool -The 3-step “Compassionate Curiosity” framework to navigate ANY conflict -Why it’s more important to be respected than liked (and how to make that shift) -How to negotiate at home, at work, and even with your landlord-How to stand up for yourself without starting a fight If you’ve been staying silent, stewing in resentment, or dreading confrontation, this episode will give you the confidence and skills to speak up and change your life. You deserve respect. This is your roadmap to get it. For more resources, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked this episode, you’ll love listening to this one next: The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear With Harvard Business School’s #1 ProfessorConnect with Mel: Get Mel’s #1 bestselling book, The Let Them TheoryWatch the episodes on YouTubeFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-freeDisclaimer
Chapter 1: What makes difficult conversations so important?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Hey, it's your buddy Mel. I am so excited that you chose to hit play on this episode and that you're here today with me because this is one of those conversations that has a before and an after. After you learn what our expert has to say today, you're going to go about your life differently.
See, right now, there's something that you want and there's something that you need from other people, but you're not asking for it. Maybe you need help at home from your roommate or your spouse, or you wish your siblings would step up and do their part helping out taking care of your aging parents.
See, life is full of frustrating situations, but oftentimes you think it's just easier to say nothing. Maybe you have adult kids and you don't mind supporting them by helping them out with rent, but every time you see them, they're in a new outfit. Or you feel overlooked at work, but you don't know how to successfully negotiate a raise. Or there's a conversation you want to have with your partner.
Maybe you want them to get a better job or it's time to get married or just show more initiative in the relationship. Staying silent isn't working, but how do you bring it up?
Well, our expert today, the founder and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute, Kwame Christian, he is here today in our Boston studios to teach you three simple steps to setting up any difficult conversation you need to have. Now, these three simple steps are going to help you speak up, ask for what you need, diffuse any emotional reactions, and get what you want.
Kwame says the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations because it's more important to be respected than liked. Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. It is always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together.
And if you're a new listener, I just want to personally take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so happy that you're here. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You're the kind of person who values your time and you invest it in things that can help you improve your life.
And you also know that you deserve more respect in your life and you're here to learn how to get it. And if you're listening to this because someone shared this with you, well, here's what I want to tell you. I think that's really cool because it means that you have someone in your life that loves you enough to remind you that you deserve to be respected.
And they wanted you to have this expert advice so that you can start to speak up and ask for what you need and negotiate the things that you want in life. And that's exactly what today's episode is all about. Learning how to have hard conversations. Because according to our expert today, The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations.
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Chapter 2: How can I ask for what I need without conflict?
It's an organization that trains Fortune 500 companies on the art of navigating difficult conversations and the science of negotiating for success. He is also a lawyer and he is the host of Negotiate Anything, which is the world's top podcast on the subject of negotiation.
He's also written this awesome book, Finding Confidence in Conflict, which is also about how you use the science of negotiation in your life to get what you want. And one other thing that I love about Kwame is that he's going to take all this information and science and all these strategies and translate it into a three-step formula that you and I can apply in our lives, our relationships.
Heck, we can apply it when we negotiate with our landlord over rent. And because he's also married to his college sweetheart for 14 years and is the father of two kids, These are also the exact same strategies that he and his wife use to work through all the difficult conversations that happen between a couple who are living together and raising a family.
Kwame Christian, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
Thanks for having me.
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Chapter 3: What is the 'Compassionate Curiosity' framework?
I am so excited that you're here. And here's how I want to start our conversation. I would love for you to speak directly to the person who is with us right now and tell them exactly... what they might experience about their life that's different if they take everything to heart that you're about to share with us and teach us today, and they apply it to their life.
Well, the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And so when you really think about it, and if we're honest with ourselves, most of us spend the majority of our lives avoiding these tough conversations. And I'm speaking from experience here because I'm a recovering people pleaser.
You?
Yes. Yes. And I think it's important to start there, too, because people look at me and they see, okay, Kwame is a confident communicator, a negotiation expert, and those types of things. But I wasn't born this way. I built myself this way. Because confidence is a learnable skill. And really, when it comes to the way that I approach these difficult conversations...
It's after years of doing it the wrong way. And so what I recognize is that the first and most important difficult conversation that we have to have is with ourselves. And that's what people miss. They focus on the conversations with other people, but we have to have that internal negotiation to figure out what it is that's holding us back and find our personal pathway to confidence.
We have to figure out how to overcome the fear, the anxiety, the self-doubt, and all of the overthinking that can hold us back. And if people put this into their lives today, one difficult conversation at a time, they're going to improve their relationships, their careers, and they'll put themselves in the best position to live the best version of their lives.
Kwame, there was so much that you just said. I want to make sure that I highlight a couple things because when you said I wasn't born this way, I built myself into the confident person that you see today. That to me is such an incredible thing that's available. To all of us.
And, you know, as you're listening, whether you're on your walk right now or you're driving in your car or you've got Kwame and I in your earbuds at work, like the idea that you don't have to be born with confidence, but that you can build this skill is incredible. And I also have to hover on the fact that you called yourself a recovering people pleaser. And not a lot of men say that.
So can you take us back in time to when you were a people pleaser and just talk about what you used to be like? Because I think that's really important because I know that by the time we're done with this conversation, it's very clear you're confident. It's very clear you're an incredible communicator.
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Chapter 4: How can I manage my emotions during tough talks?
And I'd love for you to just talk a little bit about that tension because perhaps the first difficult conversation we're going to talk about is how you're silently giving up on yourself. And if you could just speak directly to the person listening, particularly about that tension about wanting to be liked. and then how that backfires and not liking yourself.
And so if you could just kind of talk about what that feels like and what's actually possible if you really take in everything that you're about to teach us.
When you live your life like this, what you're doing is you're putting everybody else in front of yourself. You're putting everybody else above you. And so you say, it's more important for them to like me than it is for me to like myself. And so you constantly make these compromises and people like you. So it seems like you're winning. They would say that you're winning.
And then you could say, but this is what I wanted. But then at the same time, you're feeling that dissonance where there's a discrepancy between what it is that you say you want and what it is that you really want. And so a lot of times we don't understand where society begins and we end and vice versa. Because we might say, okay, society says have more friends. That's a good thing.
but then there's something inside of us that's saying something very, very different. And we don't know how to reconcile those differences. And so that's why I say the internal negotiation needs to happen. We have to start to honor the emotions that we're feeling because a lot of times in negotiation and difficult conversations and communication in general, we say emotions are the enemy.
We have to try to minimize them, get rid of them. But really emotions in many ways are our mind's way of telling us what really matters the most.
And we're going to unpack this because I think today's conversation is an invitation to really look at where in your life you are putting other people ahead of you, where in your life you are staying silent, where in your life you are... wanting to be liked or just wanting everybody to be happy or wanting to keep the peace.
And it's actually creating this turmoil inside of you because you silently know that you're giving up on yourself or what you care about or what you value. And there's one other thing that you write about in the introduction where you say, all this changed when my mentor told me something I'll never forget. He said, Kwame, there is a difference between being liked and being respected.
If you want to have personal and professional success, you have to be willing to engage with conflict. And I'm presuming that's because your ability to say things that are difficult or to ask for what you need is how you gain respect.
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Chapter 5: What are common examples of conversations we avoid?
Absolutely. And the question does the work. That's the first thing. And then I recognize that these conversations, these conflicts that we are trying to avoid are really relationship tests. Right. And so a lot of times we live in fear of the person's reaction. But sometimes the person's reaction is the reason why the relationship needs to fundamentally change or end.
Let's just unpack that right there. So a lot of times the person's reaction. So their emotional immaturity, the name calling, the passive aggressive response, the tantrums, their reaction that we live in fear of. that reaction is actually the reason why the relationship must change or it needs to end. Wow, unpack that for me.
Yeah, because the reality is that when we think about this in terms of a relationship test, we are not just standing up for ourselves, but we're giving them an opportunity to let us know exactly where they should be placed in our lives. And so the beautiful thing about the story that I told is that he's my best friend to this day. You know, we respect each other as equals now.
And that was a really major fork in the road moment. I don't even think he remembers this, Mel. I really don't. But it was pivotal to me. Right. And so a lot of times we hold back in these conversations because we say, oh, I don't want them to get mad. I don't want them to guilt me. Oh, they're going to get really upset with me. It's going to hurt their feelings.
And we're putting we're focusing completely on them and not focusing on the fact that we are hurt. We deserve to be respected and feel good in these relationships just in the same way they do because there just might be a compatibility issue. There might be a situation where this person and you just for whatever reason don't mix or they have a lot of growth to do, right?
But whatever it is, we have to have a conversation in order to discover what the truth is.
Well, what I also love about what you're saying is it's very clear that what you're actually going to teach me and the person that's with us today is how to respect yourself and how when you feel that bubbling up inside you, it's not a sign that you should avoid something. It's a sign that you're quietly being disrespected and you need to respect yourself enough that
to learn how to lean into these situations. Before we jump in, I wanna just give some definitions because you're clearly a super smart guy as the founder and director of the American Negotiation Institute. And this conversation though, while it's going to be applicable to your career and it's applicable to like striking a deal, it's actually way more relevant to your relationships.
And so I want to really, for my sake, dumb down the terms. And so even in your book, I'm reading on page 11, you say negotiation is just any conversation where someone in the conversation wants something. That's all that it is.
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Chapter 6: How can I respect myself while negotiating?
That's it.
That's it. And I love this because this is going to widen out our ability to learn from you. And so, you know, before we jump into the strategies and the tactics and role-playing, Kwame, I want to invite you as you're listening right now to think of a situation in your life right now, or think of a person in your life where there's either tension or
Or there's some conversation you need to have at work, maybe with your boss. Maybe you've been thinking you need a raise or you want to change your schedule. Or there's a conversation that you need to have with a friend. You know, I asked our team this morning before you came in, okay, has anybody got anything going on? And there were a bunch of us in the room and the amount of stuff
that people listed that were either things going on or that had been written in recently from someone listening to this somewhere in the world. Let me just give some examples because I want you to really think about a specific situation in your life because Kwame is going to coach us through this today. So for example, Siblings, asking your siblings to help with aging parents.
These are difficult conversations. We're avoiding them. We have a lot of emotion around them. Another one that came up, a friend of mine is seeing somebody and the person they are seeing already has a girlfriend. So they are cheating. You know, and now this is an issue because it's a violation of my values. Do I say something?
Bringing up with a significant other the fact that you want to move in or get married or have kids, like how you have this and you're nervous about their response. Getting your significant other to move to a different city with you. Talking to adult children about money.
That you're maybe providing support to one of your adult kids by paying for their rent, but as you're giving the money, you constantly see them with a new outfit on. And so now you're starting to get annoyed. Here was another one. Having a roommate that gets up super early and constantly wakes me up because they're loud. I then wake up and I'm burning up in my room.
I'm so mad that they have woken me up yet again at 5.30 in the morning. And I'm burning it up, but I don't want to have the conversation. I hate conflict. I stew about it. But by the time the end of the day rolls around and I see them, I'm not thinking about it. I'm not mad. And so now I'm not going to have the conversation. And then, of course, tomorrow morning it happens again.
Maybe it's your mother-in-law and passive-aggressive comments that there is some area in your life where you're slowly disrespecting yourself because you are not saying something. Are there other examples before we jump in that come up, Kwame, in your work that you want the person that's with us to also know, like, this is a really common thing that's actually just a negotiation?
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Chapter 7: What are the steps to apply 'Compassionate Curiosity' effectively?
And number four, what will your life look like if you have this conversation and it goes really well? Why are these questions so powerful?
They're powerful because sometimes our emotions can lead us astray and lead us to focus on only the bad outcomes. We just catastrophize in our minds. And so what we do with these questions, it's part of the internal negotiation. We're changing our focus to something else. And we're recognizing, hey, regardless of how this ends up, I'll still find a way to be okay.
And I think that's something that we often miss because when we think about fight, flight, or freeze, these are primal responses. And that's what kept our ancestors alive back in the day. So we can't really distinguish between a physical threat to our lives and just a minor social threat. It feels the same way.
And so by asking ourselves these questions, we can get to a point where we can recognize, hey, If I do have the conversation and the worst thing happens, I will still be here. I will still be okay. And I'd respect myself better.
I am loving this conversation. And this feels like a really good point to hit the pause button because I want to give our sponsors a chance to say a few words. And I also want to give you a chance to share this with somebody that you love. But don't go anywhere because can't you tell Kwame's just getting started? Of course, he's just getting started.
And we have so much more to teach you when we return. So stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are learning from the amazing Kwame Christian. He is the founder and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute, and he is here teaching us three simple steps that we can use in our lives, our relationships.
We can use them at work in order to negotiate for what we want. So Kwame, you know, in your book, you do write about the fight, flight or freeze response when you get stressed out. And you also write about the amygdala. Can you just explain in terms of your work, how do you describe the amygdala and what role does it play in getting yourself to have a difficult conversation?
Yeah, the amygdala is the epicenter of all emotions. So both positive and negative emotions come from the amygdala. And since it's such a primal part of the brain, it is the fastest to respond. So before we can think logically about something, we will feel something emotionally. And so we want to compare that to the frontal lobe, which is the most evolved part of our brain.
So we have logical reasoning, emotion management, executive function, all of that exists in the frontal lobe. And this is why understanding this matters so much. Because there's an antagonistic relationship between the frontal lobe and the amygdala. The more emotional we are, the less clearly we're thinking. The more clearly we're thinking, the less emotional we are. It's an either or proposition.
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Chapter 8: Why is it essential to engage in internal negotiations?
Okay.
I want to think about in the conversation, if they say that thing that triggers me, what am I going to do? How am I going to respond? What am I going to say? Right. If they say that thing that always annoys me, how am I going to approach this? So by the time I actually have the conversation, I've been there before. I've understood it. So it's less triggering in the moment.
And the same way we described how compassionate curiosity works as we prepare, you can get faster with doing it in the conversation. So I'll give an example. So a lot of times, not with Whitney, this would be weird, but in a business world, when I'm having a difficult conversation, I'll usually have like a pen and paper with me.
So let's say somebody says something disrespectful or throws me off or something. I'll just say, you've brought up a lot of good points. Do you mind if I take a few notes? And I'll take notes.
Okay, hold on. Everybody get that? So if you're at... This is a good one for at work because if you're the kind of person that... feels nervous talking in a meeting, you're with the majority. Like literally allowing yourself to be seen, allowing your ideas to be heard is a very vulnerable thing for people. And it's very normal to feel that way.
So if you're also in a situation where you're dealing with a colleague that takes credit for your work, or you're dealing with a feeling that you're not being fairly compensated compared to your colleagues, which is also very common, your emotions are going to be high.
And if Kwame says something that frustrates me or I don't want to hear or that's really annoying, you pull out your paper and you say, hold on a second. It's very important. Do you mind if I take a couple notes?
That's it.
Why do you do that?
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