The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Stop Negative Thoughts & Reset Your Mind for Positive Thinking
Thu, 8 May 2025
In today’s episode, you are getting a step-by-step guide on how to change your mindset, stop negative thoughts, and make your mind work for you. What if the voice in your head — the one that criticizes, spirals, and second-guesses everything — could actually help you? In this powerful conversation, Mel sits down with one of the world's leading experts on the mind, Dr. Ethan Kross, PhD. He's a neuroscientist, award-winning psychologist, professor at the University of Michigan, director of The Emotion & Self Control Laboratory, and leading expert on the science of emotion, self-talk, and mental resilience. Today, he's here to teach you how to stop negative thoughts from running your life — using simple, science-backed tools. In this episode, Dr. Kross shares specific tactics, strategies, and insights you can use to break free from spiraling and reset your mind for positivity. If you're tired of overthinking, doubting yourself, or feeling stuck in your own head… this one’s for you. Class is in session, because after you listen to this, your brain will not be the same. For more resources, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked this episode, you’ll love listening to this one next: 6 Simple Science-Backed Hacks That Will Make Your Life BetterConnect with Mel: Get Mel’s #1 bestselling book, The Let Them TheoryWatch the episodes on YouTubeFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-freeDisclaimer
Chapter 1: Who is Dr. Ethan Kross and what can he teach us about self-talk?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I just walked out of the studio here in Boston. I am absolutely blown away by what I just learned about stopping negative self-talk from our guest. You're about to meet him. His name is Dr. Ethan Cross.
He's a professor at the University of Michigan, a neuroscientist, and he spent the last 25 years researching how your self-talk determines your experience of life. and how it also impacts what it actually feels like to be you. Now, this is something that I've struggled with, and I know you struggle with negative self-talk too, and the people that you care about struggle with it.
I mean, I'm so blown away by what you're about to hear and what you're about to learn. In fact, I've never heard anyone lay out the exact ways you can stop negative self-talk. In fact, right out of the gate, he's going to tell you there are four reasons why you and I talk to ourselves. I mean, I didn't know these four reasons. And once you hear it, it's so fascinating and it makes a lot of sense.
And then he's going to share that you say 4,000 words a minute to yourself. And just to put that into perspective, that's like reading the first book of Harry Potter series in less than 20 minutes. I mean, that's a lot of words. And if you're anything like me, 99% of what you're saying is pretty terrible. I'm not good enough. I shouldn't have done this. What if that happens?
Never should have sent that text. I promise you, you are going to leave this conversation today a different person. Because Professor Cross isn't just bringing the research, he's bringing tools. And he's bringing a lot of them. Professor Cross is going to tell you, you can turn your inner critic into a coach.
He's going to give you tools so that the next time you find yourself falling down that rabbit hole of rumination and worry, you can throw yourself a lifeline. So if you're ready to stop overthinking and silence that self-doubt and finally take back your power, this is the episode you've been waiting for. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
I am so fired up for our conversation today. I'm so excited that you're here. It is always such an honor to spend time together and to be with you. And if you're a new listener, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here.
And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, it tells me something about you. It tells me that you're the kind of person who wants to take control of your inner voice and you want to learn how to be more encouraging and positive, especially when it comes to yourself. And you know what? I think that's amazing because I want to learn how to do that too.
And if you're listening right now or you're watching on YouTube because someone shared this with you, I want to take a minute and point out to you that that means that you've got someone in your life that really cares about you. And so thank you for trusting them and thank you for being here.
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Chapter 2: What is self-talk and why is it important?
And oftentimes death by a thousand cuts.
We're going to get there. Okay. We're going to get there. Don't you worry. So number one, memorizing a phone number, repeating a phone number, repeating a name. going to the grocery store and asking yourself, what was I supposed to buy? Milk, cheese, yogurt. I guess I'm in the dairy aisle. But the whole point here is you're doing that silently, typically, not out loud.
That's one thing your inner voice lets you do. Another thing your inner voice lets you do Simulate and plan. So before, well, you do a lot of presentations as part of your job. You ever go over what you're going to say before you go on stage in your head? Always. Okay. That's your inner voice. You are silently rehearsing, preparing, simulating for what you need to do.
You know what else you said I just realized? When I'm packing for a trip, I'm like thinking ahead to where I'm going and what I'm going to need.
There you go. You're simulating and planning. People do this before interviews, before consequential conversations that they are going to have. I am not as good at giving a presentation if I don't do this simulation beforehand. My favorite function, so the name of my lab at University of Michigan is the Michigan Emotion and Self-Control Lab. I love the topic of self-control.
We use our inner voice to control and motivate ourselves. So, all right. So Mel, tell me, what do you do to exercise?
Oh, keep going. Okay. I, I, because of some of the experts we've had on the show, I now lift weights.
Okay.
I walk, I do yoga and Pilates. Okay. Um, I have like a super active lifestyle outside, but if, but if I'm quote exercising, I have to drag myself to the gym and then I use an app to motivate myself. Okay. And that's what I do.
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Chapter 3: How can you turn your inner critic into a coach?
I doubt that. And so you really want to follow both of those steps in that order. Listen and then advise. There's an art to doing that well. I'll use my wife here as an example. Is she going to kill you? She might kill me, but it's okay. We love each other. So if my wife came to me with a problem that she was experiencing some chatter about, I
I would immediately start listening, empathizing, connecting. And when I sensed that she had gotten it out and I really understood the problem, I would ask her for permission. I'd be like, hey, I totally get it. I have a thought. Do you want to keep going or can I share it with you? Sometimes the way that she'll answer that question is, no, I'm not done. Just let me keep going.
And then I let her keep going and then I come back to it. At other moments, it'll be, yes, please. What do you think? Let's help me. And so what I love about this framework that I essentially just described that we just talked about is it gives me guideposts for how to steer this conversation.
When someone comes to me, my wife, my friend, my students, whoever, there are these two steps that I follow in the same sequence each time. Step one is I'm there to empathize and connect, listen and learn. Step two, now I'm going to try to help work with the person to broaden their perspective. So this has happened to you before. How'd you deal with it last time?
Or, you know, something like this happened to me and here's what I did. Simple ways for broadening perspective. Like a couple of questions like that you ask, it often... helps the person find the answer. I will often ask people to do a chatter advisor audit. So I'll have people like divide their world into personal and professional.
And then I asked them to list all the names of the people they go to, to talk about the chatter when it erupts. Then I'll explain to them how this art of chatter advising that we've just gone over, that the key to being a good advisor is to empathize, listen, and then Shift into that advising and I'll have them circle the names of the people on their list who do both of those things.
And I have them cross out the names of the people who don't. The people whose names you circle, that's your advisory board. And it's not always the people that you're closest to.
Oftentimes it's actually not.
It's not. And that's okay. There are people who I love, who I'm super close to. I don't talk to them about my chatter. It doesn't help me. It actually pushes me in the wrong direction. But my board is an amazing asset that I possess and I lean on it frequently to deal with my chatter.
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