“Saying These 2 Words Can Fix Your Anxiety & Help You Take Control of Your Emotions & Your Life! LET THEM!”

0.209 - 24.883 Jamie Kern Lima

These two words will change your life. Let them. You are not going to want to miss this brand new episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show with Mel Robbins. Already, this is like new, cutting edge, and already Mel Robbins. The millions of people freaking out over this, spreading it everywhere. So let them.

26.749 - 50.979 Mel Robbins

If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them. If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them.

51.519 - 85.066 Mel Robbins

You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. You will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people. I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults, I let other people live their lives, the more control I feel.

85.707 - 88.889 Mel Robbins

Because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.

89.5 - 101.827 Jamie Kern Lima

Mel Robbins is the host of one of the top ranked podcasts in the world. Her books on finding motivation and success have sold millions of copies. One of the most trusted experts in the world on confidence. She's written three best-selling books.

101.887 - 111.192 Jamie Kern Lima

New York Times best-selling author and host of the Mel Robbins podcast. Life coach and motivational speaker. A dear friend who we are so proud of all you have built and done, Mel.

112.418 - 116.084 Jamie Kern Lima

Welcome to the Jamie Caron Lima Show.

116.124 - 117.607 Mel Robbins

Are you crying?

117.707 - 118.048 Mel Robbins

Yes.

118.088 - 121.574 Mel Robbins

You're crying already. Yes. You're crying already. Because, um...

124.571 - 146.885 Jamie Kern Lima

Before we jump into this episode, I'd love to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews and one-on-one conversations with me and you to help you truly believe in yourself, trust yourself, and know you are enough so that you can become unstoppable in living your best life. I love your support. It's incredible to see your comments and

147.245 - 169.781 Jamie Kern Lima

How many of you are sharing these episodes with everyone else? And I'm just so grateful to be here for you and I'm so excited to go on this journey with you. It means so much to me. Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious. and so is self-belief.

170.422 - 187.654 Jamie Kern Lima

And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you, delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me.

188.695 - 214.41 Jamie Kern Lima

If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, Some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox. I'm your girl.

214.831 - 239.93 Jamie Kern Lima

Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you.

239.95 - 266.901 Jamie Kern Lima

If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt, and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness.

268.001 - 290.283 Jamie Kern Lima

overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them, and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth.

290.903 - 309.373 Jamie Kern Lima

Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

310.325 - 314.07 Mel Robbins

Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life.

314.271 - 322.903 Jamie Kern Lima

Jamie Kern Lima. Jamie, you're so inspiring. Jamie Kern Lima.

324.204 - 351.538 Jamie Kern Lima

Mel Robbins says you can change your life and she will show you how. Mel has one of the most popular podcasts in the world called the Mel Robbins Podcast. She's a New York Times bestselling author. She has seven number one audiobooks on Audible, billions of views of her videos online, and is one of the most respected experts in the world of mindset, motivation, and behavior change.

351.898 - 370.34 Jamie Kern Lima

Thanks to her science-backed tools and relatable advice that has impacted the lives of millions of people who follow her across 194 countries. She lives in Vermont with her husband of 26 years, Chris, and their three kids. She's also my dear friend.

370.874 - 398.403 Jamie Kern Lima

a really great roommate on trips, one of my favorite people to have at slumber parties, and the best wedding singer I've ever had the privilege of hearing in person. Mel Robbins, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show. This is like new, cutting edge, and already Mel Robbins, the millions of people freaking out over this, spreading it everywhere.

399.003 - 426.347 Jamie Kern Lima

And I want to talk about anxiety and tips to heal it for everyone listening and watching who maybe deals with anxiety or fear or control issues. Two words, two words and a theory behind them is been life-changing for a lot of people. Will you share about the let them theory?

426.887 - 460.642 Mel Robbins

Yes. So the let them theory is something that I just came up with in the last couple of months. And it is, I think the most powerful thing I've ever stumbled upon. And I've learned some pretty incredible things in my lifetime from other people, from the power of something like the five second rule and prioritizing action. But the let them theory is at a entirely different level.

462.166 - 490.335 Mel Robbins

And the let them theory on the surface is extremely simple. And here's how it works. Let them. If your friends want to judge what you post on social media, let them. If your parents don't want to come visit for Thanksgiving, let them. If your neighbors get together and they don't include your family, let them.

492.299 - 519.957 Mel Robbins

If the city that you live in decides to do a big construction project and it creates a tremendous amount of traffic for you at the dumbest month of the year, let them. You have no clue how much time and energy you are wasting trying to control other people or things that you have no control over. And I was so guilty of this.

520.678 - 553.929 Mel Robbins

And it is so easy to read something on Instagram, I don't care what other people think, and then regurgitate it like it's some sort of philosophy that you have when really you actually do care a lot. LetThem is a tool that encapsulates the truth about relationships and the truth about control. you will gain more control in your life the less you try to control other people.

556.791 - 582.489 Mel Robbins

And this is a learned behavior. This is something you learned because your parents, like parents, your job is to keep your kids safe. Your job is to, you know, teach your kids how to make decisions. Your job is to set boundaries for your children so that they can grow up and become independent human beings. But your frame of reference when you are a kid is all about the adults around you.

583.641 - 607.598 Mel Robbins

And because as a kid, you don't know why mommy's mad. So you think you're the reason why mommy's mad. So you then make it your job to make sure mommy's not mad. Or you sit there and say something must be wrong with me when mommy's mad. And so that's why you get so obsessed with trying to control the states of emotion and what other people are doing or not doing. Because you think

607.958 - 632.61 Mel Robbins

What everybody else is doing has something to do with you or means something about you. And it means nothing about you. And the reason why, and the story for how I discovered it, I would love to tell it because I think it'll kind of put you at the scene at just how dumb we are and how prevalent this is in your life. And so it is, I'm setting the scene for where I discovered this.

632.69 - 653.622 Mel Robbins

So it was our son's junior prom in high school. And having already gone through four high school proms with our two daughters, I thought, this is gonna be cakewalk, man. There are no spray tans, there's no blowouts, there's no like 55 dresses. They're like, oh my God, this is gonna be amazing. It was the worst. He was way worse because he didn't communicate anything, Jamie.

654.182 - 671.977 Mel Robbins

First of all, he's not going. Then he's going with a group of guys. Then we live in the middle of Vermont. Where the hell are we going to buy a tux? Then all of a sudden he decides he wants Stan Smith Adidas edition sneakers. I got to track him down. We got to have him overnighted. Now he's asking a date some chick he doesn't even know. So then there's that whole thing.

675.5 - 675.6 Jamie Kern Lima

Yeah.

676.73 - 692.527 Mel Robbins

So we are leaving to go to that pre-prom party that people tend to have where you show up at somebody's house and everybody's taking photos. And we arrive and we walk in and I'm already on edge because our son has been like...

694.028 - 718.301 Mel Robbins

Imagine trying to wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground and get him into a tuxedo and then get him into the car when I realize in hindsight he's just nervous, but now I'm annoyed and I'm stressed out. And so we get to this thing. He makes a beeline for all of his friends, does not introduce us to his date. Everybody's really awkward in terms of the kids, but they all look fantastic.

719.021 - 745.835 Mel Robbins

About 20 minutes in, we're settling down. I'm starting to feel a little less on edge and out of nowhere, I'm talking nowhere. This is like a freak mountain storm. It starts to rain sideways. There's not a single person that has an umbrella or a raincoat. Now it starts to hail. The umbrella on the deck goes tumbling off to the right and all the parents are now circling, right?

745.975 - 767.678 Mel Robbins

And murmuring and what's going to happen. And I walk over to Oakley and I tap him on the shoulder and I'm like, Oak, what are you guys doing for dinner? Because it's 4.30 in the afternoon. The prom starts at seven. Clearly they have a dinner plan, right? He kind of shrugs his shoulders like, I don't know. I'm like, you don't have a reservation for dinner? It's the prom, dude.

768.518 - 791.121 Mel Robbins

I don't know what we're doing. Do you want me to call the inn? Do you want me to do this? He's like, mom. And I start ramping up. In my mind, you know, like I'm going to fix the situation for him. So he's talking to his friends. I'm on my phone trying to find a reservation. There isn't a reservation anywhere in our small town because obviously other people had thought about this.

791.942 - 813.879 Mel Robbins

Doesn't seem like any of the other kids in this group have a reservation either. And all of a sudden they start walking toward the door. No coats, no raincoats. Like it is raining sideways, Jamie. She is going to ruin her dress, her hair, her makeup, his sneakers destroyed, the rented tux out. I'm just like, all the other parents, where are you guys going?

814.359 - 840.463 Mel Robbins

I think we're going to go to the cilantro bowl. And that's when all the parents are now like, we're going to repeat it. Everyone's controlling the situation. It's complete chaos. We've all been in this kind of moment. Our daughter, Kendall, who we've just been talking about, was home for the weekend. She gently reaches over and she grabs my arm and she shakes it and she says, mom, let them.

840.483 - 858.707 Mel Robbins

I'm like, what? What do you mean let them? I'm like on the phone, on hold, trying to get, let them what? Let them go to the slaughter ball. But, but it's raining, but it's small, but it's like a small thing. They're not even, let them go to a small place they can't fit in. But he's going to ruin his shoes. Let him ruin his shoes. But her dress. Let her ruin her dress.

858.747 - 884.162 Mel Robbins

Mom, it's their prom, not yours. Let them. And it was something about that moment and her repeating those words and repeating those words and repeating those two words, let them, let them, let them, let them. And her hand on my bicep that made me just de-escalate internally.

885.347 - 920.382 Mel Robbins

And as I started to deescalate internally and kind of just let them and let them do and not need to control it, my thinking came back online and I thought, why do I care? Why am I not making a reservation for myself for dinner? Who cares? Why am I doing this to myself? And so I walk up to Oak and I tap him on the shoulder and he turns around and he's like, what? Like, here's 20 bucks.

921.002 - 957.235 Mel Robbins

Go have fun. And this huge smile like lit up his face and right out the door into the sideways rain they went, trashing his shoes and her dress. It was adorable. And over the course of the next couple weeks, I couldn't believe how often I had the experience for myself where I was getting hooked by what other people are doing. Why is a celebrity promoting this thing? Why is this happening?

957.795 - 983.677 Mel Robbins

Why can't we do it this way? Why is the government doing this? Why is the traffic doing this? Why are my friends having lunch and they didn't invite me? Why this? Why that? Like all of this time and energy getting cooked up about my opinions about what other people are doing or not doing. or my expectations about how things should be done. Oh, the school should be.

983.697 - 1002.589 Mel Robbins

You got a lot of let thems that you need to bring into the school. The teacher should be. And so what happened is I started to develop this theory. Wow. The more that I just let them, I let adults be adults. I let other people live their lives.

1003.629 - 1025.276 Mel Robbins

The more that I let them and I just drop this obsession with controlling things around me or having an opinion about it, which is a way of controlling, the more control I feel. And so I put out a reel and just, it was like 60 seconds. I was like, if your friends are going out to lunch without you, let them.

1026.943 - 1057.345 Mel Robbins

If you throw a birthday party and a bunch of people come and all the popular people leave early to go do their own thing, let them. Why? Because when you let them, you are allowing adults to be adults and you are allowing people to reveal who they are. And that's really important because when you're so busy controlling other people, you actually don't see who they are.

1058.926 - 1087.146 Mel Robbins

And when you can give up control and you can let adults be adults, Jamie, and there's a bunch of rules that I can now teach you about what we get wrong about relationships. But when you let adults be adults, because number one, you cannot make another adult do anything they don't want to do, period. and you think you can, and it's not true. Adults only do what they feel like doing.

1088.526 - 1113.965 Mel Robbins

The second thing, there is nothing you can do to make another adult change. Why? Rule number one, adults only do what adults feel like doing. This is why you cannot make somebody get sober. This is why you cannot want somebody's dreams for them more than they want it for themselves. This is why you can't get somebody to be nicer or get somebody to work harder. Why?

1113.985 - 1128.469 Mel Robbins

Because adults only do what adults feel like doing. And you can't do anything to change someone. Here's another thing you can't make adults do. You cannot make another adult like you. You cannot make another adult love you.

1129.81 - 1154.43 Mel Robbins

and you are wasting too much time and energy presuming that people are gonna love you the same way that you love them or presuming that there is some different way that you can show up or do or text in a certain cadence and twist yourself in knots so that somebody else likes you, think about the time and energy that you're wasting there, especially when you really grasp the truth

1155.953 - 1186.269 Mel Robbins

that adults only do what adults feel like doing. And this is the real power of the let them theory. When you let somebody else live their life, you have to look in the mirror and you have to confront where you are in your life. And if your friends are not inviting you to lunch, it is not their responsibility to include you. Your life, your friendships, your happiness, your responsibility.

1186.989 - 1209.19 Mel Robbins

And if it bothers you that much, instead of sending that passive aggressive text, I saw you guys having lunch, would have been nice to have been included, or bitching about them to other people, How about you look in the mirror and you say to yourself, well, if I actually want friendships like that, maybe I should plan the lunch. Maybe these people aren't my friends after all.

1209.27 - 1235.022 Mel Robbins

And if I want friendships that feel good, it's my job to create it. And what part of myself do I have to confront in order to take responsibility for creating what I want? See, nobody else is responsible for the life that you want. You have to create it. And the more time you waste going, oh, but my friends, oh, but my boss, oh, but my this, the less likely you're going to do it.

1237.048 - 1237.969 Mel Robbins

That's a let them theory.

1238.889 - 1256.641 Jamie Kern Lima

Two big things. The less you try to control other people, the more control you have in your own life. Yes. Huge. Yes. Huge. And you can't change another person. If you want them to change more than they want to change, it never works.

1257.342 - 1272.752 Mel Robbins

I mean, everybody listening knows somebody. that has been in that category of struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling, and you try everything you possibly can. And your life then becomes about rescuing that person.

1274.013 - 1292.625 Jamie Kern Lima

There's so much more coming up in this episode, you are not gonna wanna miss it. But first, I wanted to share this with you. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams, you stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life.

1293.165 - 1307.743 Jamie Kern Lima

And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you.

1308.743 - 1338.624 Jamie Kern Lima

In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt, and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them, and so much more.

1339.684 - 1370.938 Jamie Kern Lima

Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

1372.099 - 1397.775 Jamie Kern Lima

Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me.

1398.835 - 1424.526 Jamie Kern Lima

If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.

1424.946 - 1433.808 Jamie Kern Lima

Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. And now more of this incredible conversation together.

1435.189 - 1452.966 Mel Robbins

And I'm not here to say that you just throw your hands in the air. I'm here to say there's a huge difference. between offering support and taking responsibility for somebody else's healing. And at some point,

1454.542 - 1484.437 Mel Robbins

the person who needs the healing, or the person who needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves, or the person who needs to confront their addiction and their patterns, they have to take responsibility for wanting to change. And you wanting it more for them won't make it happen. It's true, but I'm just here to tell you the reality. The reality is adults only do what adults feel like doing.

1485.017 - 1485.217 Mel Robbins

Yeah.

1485.577 - 1503.086 Mel Robbins

And you can't make somebody else change. You can help somebody by letting them know how you feel and how their behavior hurts you. You can let somebody know the support that you're going to give. You can let people know your boundaries. I'm not saying it's easy.

1503.586 - 1535.228 Jamie Kern Lima

Mm-hmm. I think when it comes to these just difficult situations, right? So many of us have friends we know that are in unhealthy relationships. And... Even in my families, there are people that blame themselves and there are adults blaming themselves thinking it's my fault that she's in this relationship and won't leave it or things like that.

1535.308 - 1541.592 Jamie Kern Lima

And so I just want to go back to this because a lot of people, this might be really freeing for them right now.

1541.752 - 1569.28 Mel Robbins

Or confronting. Or confronting. Because we'd rather make Mel Robbins a bitch than actually look in the mirror and say, where can I own my own role in this? And where can I find my power? It's easier to blame the messenger than to look in the mirror and say, what can I take responsibility for? Nowhere did I say you're at fault. Fault is a very different word than responsibility.

1569.86 - 1589.39 Mel Robbins

Because when you get into the lane of, I'm at fault and this, now you're beating yourself up. Now you're insecure. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself. I want you to do something different. I want you to get very clear about what you're sick and tired of and what you can take responsibility for.

1590.51 - 1607.255 Jamie Kern Lima

For the person who says, Mel, no matter what I do, my friend just stays in this unhealthy marriage or this unhealthy... And she says she wants out or she's saying, my friends keep mistreating me, whatever it might be. And she says she wants out.

1608.015 - 1621.461 Jamie Kern Lima

How do you, how do they let them without feeling like, oh, I'm not doing enough or I'm looking the other way or I'm turning a blind eye on abuse or something like that?

1622.221 - 1648.249 Mel Robbins

Excellent question. So if somebody is in a terrible relationship, what do we know? There's nothing you can say that will make them leave that person. if you confront it directly. And the more that you attack the relationship that they're in, the more defensive they're going to be in it and the more they're going to stay in it because they're going to feel like you're attacking them.

1649.529 - 1665.518 Mel Robbins

And so when it comes to people in your life, and let's just talk about varying degrees, right? When there is somebody in your life that's dating somebody, this is not good for them. You're going to have to let them. You just have to.

1667.639 - 1700.141 Mel Robbins

And the only thing that I have ever found that works in my life, when I have had someone that I deeply care about in clearly the wrong relationship, and I'm talking someone who did this for years, is the more that they feel judged, the more distance it creates between the two of you, the more they hide the reality of what's going on and how they really feel.

1701.884 - 1731.548 Mel Robbins

And so you need to let an adult be an adult You need to let them know the truth of how you feel. And there's a particular way to do it, which is not, I think your partner sucks and he's abusing you. And which is going to be very confronting. It's let them know the truth, which is I'm worried about you because you don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? That's what you say.

1732.348 - 1754.078 Mel Robbins

And then what do you need to do? And this is the hardest part. You need to let them. I'm worried about you. You don't seem like yourself. How can I support you? And what ends up happening is that over time, since you're holding out the truth, that stays with somebody.

1755.351 - 1789.132 Mel Robbins

And when you get into the very scary situations, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor working a domestic hotline for four years. I am not immune to the realities of the psychological stranglehold that happens inside of a abuse cycle. and the very well-documented neurological programming that happens due to the honeymoon abuse cycle of horrible abuse, then tremendous apology, then quiet.

1789.252 - 1823.267 Mel Robbins

The intermittent nature of that actually creates more of a trap inside somebody's brain. I get that. And there is nothing that another human being can do when you literally confront it directly to change that fact. What you can do is you can let them know, this is where I'm responsible. I'm not responsible for the relationships you're in.

1824.307 - 1855.047 Mel Robbins

I am responsible for telling you the truth and I am responsible for offering support to the extent I want to. And that is the truth. And we also know based on research, it's a minimum of seven attempts to leave a abusive relationship for somebody. That's why telling the truth, I'm worried about you. I am here for you. I'm here to support you. The second that you are ready to leave, I am here.

1856.744 - 1876.667 Mel Robbins

And I know there's nothing I can do to make you do it. But I want you to know I love you, you are so strong and I'm here. That is how you handle that. And then you have to let them. Because the more you judge that person as weak, the more you have an opinion about it, the more that you get all wrapped up around it, they can pick up on your energy.

1876.907 - 1898.052 Mel Robbins

They know that you're judging them and that you think that they're weak and you're pathetic and you're all this stuff because that's what your energy is portraying. That's why this matters. Do you intervene if somebody is spiraling? Of course you do. You offer the support. That might mean taking away the pills. That might mean driving somebody to rehab. That's the level of support.

1898.793 - 1901.436 Mel Robbins

But that's based on your boundaries and your truth.

1905.441 - 1920.37 Jamie Kern Lima

The let them theory, especially when it comes to a lot of the examples you gave that we consume our days with. Why didn't he fold the laundry this way? Why didn't X, Y, and Z?

1920.571 - 1921.611 Mel Robbins

Can we start that one?

1921.691 - 1922.692 Jamie Kern Lima

Yeah, yeah. Let's do it.

1923.112 - 1945.445 Mel Robbins

Why didn't he fold the laundry? Why didn't they load the dishwasher? Why didn't they, or in my husband's case, why did Mel, why does Mel always stack the cardboard boxes up like a Tetris sculpture instead of breaking them down? Like this drove him crazy because, you know, everybody gets boxes to their house from Amazon. And I hate that.

1947.378 - 1965.187 Mel Robbins

having to do that thing where you, you know, you flatten them, you know, for recycling. Okay. At least we have to in Vermont. And I always have this thing where I would like slight, I would like the boxes would come, I'd carry them to the garage and then I'd stack them up and I have these big plans that I'm going to come back later and I will do it when I feel like it. Right? Because why?

1965.467 - 1999.351 Mel Robbins

Adults only do what they feel like doing. So can Chris change my behavior? No. I will change my behavior when I want to change my behavior. Right. But here's what Chris can do. Using the let them theory, Chris understands he's got to let me be me. He can't make me change. What is Chris responsible for? His truth and his boundaries. So Chris comes to me and he says, Can I share something with you?

1999.451 - 2039.081 Mel Robbins

I'm like, sure. He said, you know, every time I walk into the garage and I see the tower of cardboard boxes waiting for some recycling ferry to come flying in here and flatten them all out, I feel like you think I am your servant. And it makes me feel really kind of hurt. that you think that that's all that I'm here for. Now, when Chris shares that, I immediately feel terrible.

2040.442 - 2076.453 Mel Robbins

He's not shaming me. He's telling me the truth about how he feels. I don't want him to feel this way. So now what happens? Because I don't want him to feel this way, I now will flatten the cardboard boxes. Why? Because I want to. Does that make sense? And because we don't take the time to recognize that I am not responsible for somebody else's change in behavior.

2076.753 - 2103.632 Mel Robbins

I am responsible for communicating what I feel, what I value, how something impacts me, what I need, what my boundaries are. And then the hardest part is what happens next. Because once you have that communication that really hurt me, it would make me feel great if you were to do X. The next time this happens, could you do Y? The hardest part of a relationship is what happens next.

2104.893 - 2140.231 Mel Robbins

Because now it's back to the other person and you're gonna let them. And here's what's gonna happen. They are revealing to you who they are. If I don't flatten those boxes, it reveals to Chris that I really don't care that he feels that way. And this brings me to another law about human behavior. People's behavior is the truest form of communication. I can come up with a million excuses, Jamie.

2140.311 - 2170.075 Mel Robbins

Oh, I'm so busy, I have ADHD, I'll get to it later, I didn't mean to. That's just noise. If you actually want to change or you actually care about what the other person just told you, prove it. And by not doing it, I am communicating loud and clear to Chris, I don't care. And the hardest thing for us, and this is where the let them theory starts to get really deep,

2171.249 - 2193.583 Mel Robbins

is when you really unhook your emotions, Jamie, and you let adults be adults, and you take responsibility for your side of the relationship, which is your truth, your needs, your boundaries, your wants, all that kind of stuff. And then somebody reveals their true nature. Most of us don't want to face it.

2195.117 - 2219.743 Mel Robbins

And so if we go back to somebody who is in a relationship that is very unhealthy, there was somebody who has a narcissistic personality style, there was somebody who's abusive. If you embrace the let them theory and you embrace this rule that you can't change this person and that their behavior is the truth about who they are, now it's on you.

2221.365 - 2248.488 Mel Robbins

to really try to separate how you feel and what the other person is saying from the reality of what this other human being is showing you through their behavior. And again, we don't want to look at that because then we have to look in the mirror and go, What do I need to take responsibility for?

2249.409 - 2270.08 Mel Robbins

If I take what Mel Robbins is saying and the let them theory as truth, and if I take as truth that adults only do what adults feel like doing, and if I take as truth, I can't make anybody change. I can't make anybody like me. I can't make anybody love me because adults only do what they feel like doing.

2271.121 - 2278.427 Mel Robbins

And if this person's behavior is the truest communication of who they are and what they care about, Now it's on me.

2281.408 - 2303.795 Mel Robbins

And I have to make a decision, an incredibly hard decision, a decision that goes against all of the neurological programming that has happened in this relationship, a decision that will have to make me confront the things about myself that I don't want to confront because I'm responsible for what happens next, regardless of all the stuff that went down.

2305.066 - 2310.05 Mel Robbins

And that's why I say you are always capable of changing for the better.

2315.195 - 2318.518 Jamie Kern Lima

Mel Robbins, I love you.

2318.538 - 2326.505 Mel Robbins

I am grateful for our friendship. I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you.

2327.325 - 2352.277 Jamie Kern Lima

I love you. Thank you. I have one more thing to share with you, but before I do, if you got value out of this episode, my only ask is that you please share it. Share it with another person in your life who could benefit from it. Post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today.

2352.997 - 2378.527 Jamie Kern Lima

You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode. And thank you so much for joining me today. And before you go, I want to share some words with you that couldn't be more true. You, right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams, and all the unconditional love in the world.

2378.567 - 2408.428 Jamie Kern Lima

And it is an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Here, I hope you'll come as you are. Heal where you need. Blossom what you choose. Journey toward your calling and stay as long as you'd like because you belong here. You are worthy. You are loved. You are love. And I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode. This is the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

2409.19 - 2435.771 Jamie Kern Lima

In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy. How to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you.

2436.798 - 2466.681 Jamie Kern Lima

In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt, and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them, and so much more.

2467.722 - 2498.963 Jamie Kern Lima

Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

2499.844 - 2524.041 Jamie Kern Lima

Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit. The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful. And when you learn to take control over your self-talk, it's life-changing.

2524.521 - 2548.68 Jamie Kern Lima

And I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your life. It's called Five Ways to Overcome Negative Self-Talk and build self-love. And it's a free how-to guide to overcome that negative self-talk to build confidence and develop unshakable self-love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals.

2549.481 - 2562.21 Jamie Kern Lima

Don't let self-sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life when filled with self-love, resilience, and unwavering belief.

2563.035 - 2587.914 Jamie Kern Lima

If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence and empower yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to stop overthinking and learn to trust yourself at jamiekernlima.com slash resources or click the link in the show notes below. This show is presented solely for entertainment purposes only.

2588.395 - 2604.41 Jamie Kern Lima

It's not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, professional coach, or other qualified professional. I hope you enjoyed this episode and conversation together and I am so grateful to be on this journey with you.

2604.43 - 2634.909 Jamie Kern Lima

And did you know for every episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show, there are a set of special prompt questions just for you to help you on your journey of aha moments and revelations in your own life from each episode. Make sure you join my free email newsletter at jamiekernlima.com to get them sent to you each week. And each episode is meant to be evergreen and packed with timeless life lessons.

2635.37 - 2647.738 Jamie Kern Lima

So you can go back and listen to past episodes you perhaps haven't heard yet as we are going on this incredible journey of building self-worth and living our best lives together.