On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay's Must- Listens: Before You Text Your Ex… Listen to This! 5 Love Experts Share the SECRET to Let Go and Move On (Ft. Esther Perel, Mel Robbins, & Matthew Hussey)
Wed, 07 May 2025
Since the breakup, have there been moments when you actually felt calm, clear, or more like yourself? When you imagine texting them, what are you secretly hoping they’ll say—or make you feel? In this heartfelt and insightful compilation, Jay dives deep into the emotional landscape of breakups, offering a thoughtful and healing space for anyone navigating heartache. With his signature warmth and clarity, Jay brings together trusted voices in emotional wellness and relationships—Lori Gottlieb, Matthew Hussey, Stephan Speaks, Esther Perel, and Mel Robbins—each offering honest, thoughtful perspectives on what it really takes to move on after a relationship ends. Together, they unpack the emotional aftermath of a breakup, from grief and confusion to self-doubt and the search for clarity. Whether you're dealing with the sting of rejection, stuck with unanswered questions, or scared to start over, this episode offers clear, grounded guidance that will leave you feeling both supported and uplifted. Without pressure, it offers a calm, compassionate space to work through the pain with presence, perspective, and hope. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Stop Blaming Yourself After a Breakup How to Know When It's Time to Let Go How to Break Emotional Patterns in Relationships How to Sit With Pain and Still Move Forward How to Choose Peace Over the Past This episode offers more than advice—it brings hope, the kind that encourages self-love, future growth, and a belief that better things are ahead. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty. Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there! What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:19 Why Breakups Feel Like the Hardest Loss 09:19 “Why Wasn’t I Enough?” Understanding the Root of Self-Blame 20:21 Knowing When It’s Time to Let Go 25:15 Should You Try to Win Them Back? 28:43 Practical Steps to Letting Go After a Breakup 34:41 Do What’s Best For You to Heal 36:56 Everyone Handles a Breakup Differently and That’s Okay 39:30 Shifting Conflict Into Understanding 45:07 What Power Struggles in Relationships Really Mean 47:44 Why Breakups Make You Feel Unlovable 51:25 How to Release Control and Finally Find PeaceSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: Why do breakups feel like the hardest loss?
Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty, and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader.
We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences for a private Q&A, intimate meditation, and a meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. Head to jsheddy.me forward slash tour and get yours today. A breakup can literally wreck your life.
You could be doing so well in your career, and now you show up to work in the worst mood. You could have a great relationship with your family, but now every holiday season, all you can do is think about that person. You've got a great group of friends around you, they love you, but they're all in relationships, and you feel like you're behind.
You feel like you're not the one who's getting proposed to, you're not the one who's moving in, you're the one who's starting all over again. If you felt any of that, this episode is dedicated to you because I want your breakup to become a moment you look back on as the greatest pivot that ever happened in your life.
The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
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At one point in life, each of us gets our heart broken. Maybe it was two years ago. Maybe it was two months ago or maybe it was two days ago. But each and every one of us knows how painful a heartbreak can be because you're not only losing that person, you're losing the perception of the life you believed you were going to have. You're losing the version of you you were with that person.
And you're losing the projection of this future that you were building together. What we don't realize about breakups is that we're actually living through grief. It's this slow, aching loss that doesn't have a funeral. You're mourning a future that won't happen, trying to figure it out, all the sadness, the confusion, the anger. And often in the beginning, you think, I wish they would stay.
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Chapter 2: How can we find closure after a breakup?
breakup and they really they were together with this person for two years they really thought this is the person that they were going to spend their life with they really thought this was going in that direction they felt that they actually had good like compatibility they were good at talking about things
But then what felt like out of the blue to this person, they just felt that this person was like, I don't think this is going in that direction anymore. And then things withered away quickly. It's hard when you kind of, you know, and this is probably what you get all the time. People don't feel a sense of closure.
They don't really understand the other person's not doing a good job explaining it and doesn't want to or doesn't have the time. What are some of the steps that we need to take when we're kind of lost in that no person's land of... I thought I had something. It doesn't exist anymore.
Well, first of all, loss is exactly it. It's grief. And people go through the stages of grief. And the stages of grief are not sequential. So they're actually meant for people who are experiencing terminal illness, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. But They're very apt, I think, for any kind of loss. And when you talk about a breakup, there can be denial.
Like, oh, you don't really mean that. We really are compatible. And you try to talk the other person into maybe seeing the light that they can't see. You know, the anger is, how could you have led me on for this amount of time? You're such a terrible person. You wasted all my time. You were lying to me this whole time. When the person wasn't, they probably truly...
you know, thought this was going somewhere. You know, the bargaining is, well, what if, you know, you know, and the person tells you maybe why they're breaking up with you. Like, I don't think that we're compatible in this way. And then you try to become the thing, you know, like, what if I did this? Or I can be more of this. Or we can do this.
And they're like, no, that's not really the way this will get solved. You know, depression, which is just the whole, I mean, it's so, because I think what people don't realize is it's not what you're losing just in the moment. It's you're losing the future that you had imagined.
So you lose the past, you lose like all the, whatever amount of time you spent with that person, you built a life with this person and just the dailiness. There's an intimacy to that dailiness, there's a comfort, there's a safety of this person knows all these little quirks about me. You know, we have all these inside jokes, we have a shorthand. You know, this person asks how my day is.
I know, it's the dailiness of being with someone. So you lose that. That's very lonely. But then you also lose the future. You had built up a whole story about what your lives were going to be like in a year, five years, 10 years, 20 years. Gone. And you have nothing to replace it with right now because you don't know what it's going to look like yet. So the grief is real.
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Chapter 3: What are the stages of grief in breakups?
Now, this next clip is from relationship expert and my good friend, Matthew Hussey. What I love about this that I think is going to help so many of you is so many of us turn a breakup into self-blame.
we think about all the things we got wrong, all the things we should have done better, all the things we could have done better, all the things we wish we did, and it becomes this almost self-critical version of a conversation. And because you've not got the other person to talk to anymore, it's something you're going through by yourself. Matthew talks about how you can shift in this situation?
How do we go from this happened to me to how can I grow from this? Listen to this clip if you're struggling right now with blaming yourself for the breakup you just went through. Let's talk a bit about breakups because
I think the challenge is that everyone in their life goes through at least one or two, maybe more, really painful breakups, whether it's infidelity, whether it feels out of the blue, someone just goes, yep, not working out for me anymore, whether it's different goals and different plans and priorities that emerge over time. And I think everyone who goes through a breakup
blames it on themself often, thinks that this is the end, there'll never be another person. And it feels like a really dark, dark, dark, empty road and a lonely road. And I think it's really interesting because there's so many, you know, piece of advice and everything about like how to get over a breakup.
And I've talked about that as well myself, but I just find that it seems to be a path that you have to walk and have to take. And there's no real acceleration or there's not, as you said, there's not like, I'm going to get over this breakup in three months, right? There's no timeline or deadline that you can set on it, but it's just uncomfortable. And it's almost like sitting in discomfort.
What do we do when we're sitting in that discomfort?
Well, when you're in the depths of it, because there's different phases, right? Like there's a, certainly a phase of any heartbreak when it's genuine, deep heartbreak, where you are just questioning your existence, where you are like, I, this, you know, I remember having my own heartbroken and sitting on this door, the doorstep of my house with a friend of mine.
And just with tears in my eyes saying to him, I just feel like I'm not good enough. That was my deep sense was that I am not good enough. And if I was good enough, I would have been able to make this work. And that's a horrible place to be. And we have to have compassion for ourselves in those times because it's brutally difficult.
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Chapter 4: How can self-blame be transformed into growth?
And now they have an opportunity to process it on their time to really take it in and then you guys can come together and discuss the letter. And now it's so much easier to stay on point and get everything covered. If we've done that and they're still unwilling or there's still no progress, it's time to go.
Yeah, that's great. That's great advice. And I, for me, that's the biggest one. It's like, you can't make something last if only one person's working on it. You can't keep hoping and waiting and wishing and And like you said, that ending doesn't mean forever. And often I found that two people need to grow individually to be able to grow collectively.
And we're forcing growing together so hard, but we need space to grow.
Mm-hmm.
And if you can't grow together, chances are you need to grow apart in order to see whether you grow together again or grow for someone else. And all of those options are okay, but we put so much pressure on people to grow together that they grow apart.
Yeah.
And actually, if they chose to grow apart and grow separately, they could come back together if they learn the lessons. And I think that's a mistake too, that sometimes people think, I'm going to go learn this lesson for this person. I meet a lot of people that are like, okay, they broke up with me because I wasn't XYZ. Now I'm going to go become XYZ to win them back. And
I always find I'm just like, well, no, you should go become XYZ if you think you are missing XYZ, but not to win them back because you don't know what they're going to do. What's your take on people trying to win people back?
So, I 100% agree with you like if we're trying to learn or grow it needs to be for the benefit of who we are and just whoever we deal with. So, it's almost like if I was a bad communicator in this relationship I shouldn't learn to better communicate for that person I need to better communicate for whoever I'm going to be with.
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Chapter 5: What if I met the right person at the wrong time?
Remember? And the nine nine nonsense continues in the next episode as the more better amigas sit down with Joe Latrullio, a.k.a. Detective Charles Boyle. There'll be more laughs, more conversation, more stories from the set, and more, more better. Both episodes are now available.
You felt safe enough to throw out a bad idea, right? I mean, that is the key because you're definitely not throwing out good ideas all the time. I mean, that's just not how it works.
Listen to More Better with Stephanie and Melissa on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Have you ever wondered if your pet is lying to you?
Why is my cat not here? And I go in and she's eating my lunch.
Or if hypnotism is real. You will use the suggestion in order to enhance your cognitive control. But what's inside a black hole?
Black holes could be a consequence of the way that we understand the universe.
Well, we have answers for you in the new iHeart original podcast, Science Stuff. Join me or Hicham as we answer questions about animals, space, our brains, and our bodies. So give yourself permission to be a science geek and listen to Science Stuff on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
That one mindset you spoke about that changes everything and it hit me today. I was just thinking, if we were just able in a moment to recognize that that something painful now was going to be good for us in five years' time. That would change so many things in our life.
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Chapter 6: When is it time to let go in a relationship?
I'll be your adjunct on how to make my partner understand why my family's way of doing things is the best way of doing things. It's a very good way. And so then the question is, if you have to change your mind, Does that mean that it's a loss of your identity? Or can you actually experience that as an expansion, as something that you let in?
How do you let the other person influence you without being constantly in a defense of your, you know, this is my flag and here are my values or my operation system?
Yeah, I really, really relate to what you're saying. And I love how you've broken it down to what we're fighting for versus what we're fighting about. I think that's brilliant. And that's from your masterclass, right?
No, this is from my own new course. Oh, this is from your own new course. I am coming out with very soon. And that is really about letting people have a very different view and set of skills for handling conflict like this one. You know, at first it was a nice thing. You didn't fight about it. You just said, we do it. Oh, that's so interesting. No, let's do it now. No, let's.
And then slowly, because you couldn't come into a unified agreement, it became a point of contention. And then that point of contention became the go-to every time you need to talk about your backgrounds, your values, your style, your priorities, your way of doing things.
I think we feel so robbed, or at least when I speak to people about this, they feel so robbed, as you said, of their identity. But also, as you said, people feel robbed of their power, that if I give in to this other person, my partner may be the more powerful one in the relationship. or if I concede, then in the future when we're making decisions, they're going to think I'm going to concede.
And often that is the case that people get into relationships because they think the other person is, submissive or conceding to them or agrees with them on everything they say. And then one day that person goes, wait a minute, I didn't realize I just gave up everything I care about for you. And so how does one learn how to practice that humility and giving up of power?
Or is the solution a unified agreement as you called it just there? What are we trying to unravel? How do we do that? Because I think that... But you just betrayed yourself in the question.
Your whole question is framed in power terms. Concede, acquiesce, give in, loss of self, loss of power. And that's how people feel. Yes, some people feel this way. That is one frame for some people to enter into a relationship. But if I actually change the word power, I could go like this.
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Chapter 7: Why is healing essential after a breakup?
If you're asking some of those questions, this next clip from Mel Robbins is going to really resonate with you because she talks about how to go through a breakup in a really practical way. Should you contact them? Should you try and make them jealous? All those emotions and feelings we go through, if you listen to this next clip, it's going to help you make the right decisions. Take a look.
When somebody leaves that you love, you think you're unlovable. You actually think you're never gonna find it again. You hate yourself. That's why most of the advice about this is complete bullshit. Go love yourself? How the hell am I going to go love myself when the person I love more than anything just left me? I hate myself. I despise myself.
I am terrified of the day that they're going to meet somebody. I'm never going to find that again. I'm never going to have sex like that again. You hate yourself. And so telling somebody to just go on a revenge diet or you gotta love yourself, it's horrible. Instead, I want you to face reality. They left, let them. And then let me grieve. And follow my therapist Ann Daven's advice.
You have to do a 30-day detox. And if you are somebody that's been holding onto somebody that left a year ago, I guarantee you, you have not gone 30 days without listening to a voice memo or looking at a photo. You are keeping them alive, which is keeping you trapped in something that's dead. And your inability to let them go and let them leave
And then let me accept reality and start moving forward. And let me believe that the person that I am meant to meet, they are in the future. They're not in my past. And by the way, even if you kind of hold out secretly hope, it might be the person from the past. It might be, but they're not the version from back there.
And neither are you.
And neither are you. And so you have to, again, come back to where the power is. It's not in getting them back. It's not in making them jealous. Because if you focus on making that person jealous or blah, blah, blah, where are you putting your power?
Then.
And something you can't control. You have to put your power here. And the reason why I love the 30-day rule and the 11-week mark is because it's the truth. This is gonna suck. The only way to get over someone and to go through heartbreak is to go through it. There's no avoiding it. There's only delaying it.
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