Matthew Hussey
Appearances
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
Sometimes we're wanting something else because there's, you know, the person that's in front of us isn't compelling enough. There really is something lacking in that relationship. But I do think we have to ask ourselves, what are the things I really must have for an amazing relationship? I'm not a... you know, there's the one out there kind of a person. I've never been that way.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
If anyone looks back through my videos, and you know this because we've spoken about it, back when I was single, you know, I've never been a person who believes in the idea of the one. So I think that it's finding someone that we've, you know, we look at what's really important to us
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
Not what's important on an egoic level, because I think a lot of the things that make us question whether this person is right for us are ego-based. I don't think they're based on how we feel around this person. We worry, is this the kind of person my friends think that I should be with? Do they look the part? Are they my normal type?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
Yeah. Has this person come in the package that I had always told myself they would come in? And those things can be really, really limiting. And they can have us constantly trying to optimize for some... version of something that we think we're supposed to be with, which is a very dangerous way to go about finding love. You can't optimize for human beings.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
You can optimize for a lot in life, but you're dealing with people. By the way, even if you let go of this person, you're going to find someone else who's also imperfect and they might... Okay, this person scores a seven in this area and they score a nine, but guess what? They score a three in this other area that you didn't even know
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
was great in this relationship because you took for granted how amazing that person was in that way. It's very dangerous to optimize in that way in our love life. And I've come to really believe in life that if you find a connection that has all the right raw materials, and you both have the same level of commitment, then you can build something extraordinary together.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
And actually the extraordinary is the thing you sculpt together. It's no different from a career. When we think of what's our like, what are we worried about in our love life? For so many of us, it's that we're going to settle.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
I'm going to settle for the wrong person. Well, I think we can actually start to reclaim the language of settling and make it into a very positive thing. What if it wasn't settling for, what if you decided to settle on settling? Because when you settle on someone, there's a power to that. It's like you resolve to say, I'm going to settle on this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten from the pain that I didn't choose has been no less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain I did choose. In fact, actually, I think the most valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose. And when you realize that, you can kind of almost, I think, look at some of the worst moments of your life as like a menu of pain.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
And beside the item on the menu is the very specific, unique benefits that can only come from this kind of pain. And you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like retroactively choosing that pain.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
which is a very valuable thing to do because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment on rats where one rat was on a wheel and was just given the free rein to just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat, this was rat A, rat B was connected to that wheel. He was on another wheel that was connected to rat A's wheel. And any time rat A chose to run, rat B had to run, right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
So both doing the same amount of exercising, but at the end of the experiment, rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and rat B shows all the negative markers of stress.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
Same amount of exercise, what's the difference? Well, rat A chose to run, rat B didn't. Anyone who doesn't choose you cannot be for you. If they don't see you, like what is a relationship? It's someone sees you, they accept you and they want that. That's the most beautiful part of a relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
So if someone doesn't see you and accept you and want what they see, then this relationship is missing the most beautiful part of any relationship. It shouldn't be desirable at that stage because it's not...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
it has failed the fundamental test of what makes a relationship worth having we're not talking about a person who you know in in at least the case i feel we're talking about the person who was taken from us by life we're talking about a person who's just walking around somewhere still existing on the planet but choosing not to be with us that should lose its romance to us
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
You know, and, and to say, well, if that's the other game we play is if it was a different time in life, if they were a bit older, they would have been ready to commit. If they had been in different phase where they weren't so busy with their work, they might've had the space to really give to this relationship, but they said their work isn't allowing them to.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
If it's like we go through all these scenarios where it, it forces us into this sad love song of right person, wrong time. And that's a really pernicious story. That's a very dangerous story because it takes what belongs in the realm of science fiction and brings it into our reality.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jillian Turecki: 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not For You)
People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
LOVE EXPERT Stephan Speaks: 7 Ways You are Blocking Yourself From Meeting Your Soulmate (Change Your Patterns to Find the ONE)
People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
It was like complete opposites. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Well, I think the people that trigger us the most are the people that we're closest to. So it's hard to, you know, well, they uniquely know how to push our buttons as well. Hopefully they don't do that on purpose, but, you know, they have the knowledge to be able to push our buttons. But also just, it's like family.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
You know, you think you've grown so much and you think you have become so kind of wise and you've healed. And then you go back for Christmas with family or for the holidays. Just push your buttons and trigger you. Within two days, something happens. has you feeling like a 14-year-old who's mad again. Those people that are closest to us have this unique ability to impact us.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
So I think it's really easy to have patience with people like, oh, it's so much easier with my friends. Yeah, no.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
you don't see your friend every night of the week you see them once every couple of weeks it's like a little honeymoon every time you get together because you just you're just excited to see each other of course they don't push your buttons the same way but the person you're with every day is going to so um i think having we we have to almost step back from it a little bit and go this isn't necessarily a sign that my partner is so much worse than everybody else it's a sign that
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
This person is so close to me that it's the easiest place for me to get triggered. And it's probably the place I have the least patience. because I give so much energy everywhere else in my life, I take for granted that this person's gonna be there at the end of the day.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
We go to work and we give our best energy and then we go home and whatever is left, we hand to our partner and we've reserved our patience for everyone else in our lives. So I think taking a step back and going, what would it look like
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
This is a very hard thing to do, but what would it look like if I gave my partner the kind of grace or patience or understanding that I give to other people in my life that frankly probably do a lot less for me? that show up a lot less for me. What would it look like if I started showing up for them in that way, I think isn't a bad question. Interesting. What would you add to that?
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
I think it's well, it would be it would be termed the trauma bond right that there's a there's this behavior that makes life really hard with this person or it might even make it intolerable but we tolerate it for as long as we can and then you know if it ever got too too bad for too long we would just have to leave right if it was if it was just hell 24 7 no matter what We would leave.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
It would be enough. We would reach a certain pain threshold. But there's doses of moments, right? Of good moments. There's that moment where someone does something that hints at a different side of them. It hints at the potential for kindness, the potential for understanding. It hints at what the relationship is. could be. Or was in the beginning. Or was in the beginning.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And that reels us back in and we are so elated and so happy to have this moment that we then say, okay, I'm gonna go back in. And then of course the other shoe drops, which it always does. And I think of it as a broken clock. The broken clock is right twice a day. It's not a good watch for telling the time. It's failed in its fundamental function.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
But when it's right, you go, well, you know, that kind of relationship you're describing is the broken watch. we're trying to use this thing to tell the time thinking that, oh no, it was right a minute ago. Well, maybe it is working after all. And then we have to wait another 12 hours before it's right again. So you have to ask yourself, am I in that broken watch relationship?
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And if I am, what's the way to get out of that? Well, I think one of the ways is to properly tune into your feelings. Because I think we don't really tune into what our experience is. We are so focused on where it could go or the fact that we think that we will never be okay if we lose this person. How will I get by? Can I... Can I deal with the pain of losing this person?
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
If I could just get them and turn them into the thing that I need them to be, then I'll be happy. We're so fixated on that, that we're not fixated on the pain that we are in constantly, which is making us miserable. Or if we really paid attention, we'd look at how this disproportionately makes us miserable. I worked with someone who ended a relationship with a very toxic person.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And this person was never around. This person was completely dismissive. Even on the weekends when they were together, this person was just on their laptop paying them absolutely zero attention. And the woman that I was coaching, I remember at the end of the relationship, she said, I just don't know how I'm going to do this, how I'm going to be on my own. And then I showed her the relationship.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Yeah, like if I'm not, I don't know how I'm gonna be on my own. And then I actually showed her the relationship. You are on your own. And I said, this person's never home. They stay out. On the weekends, you're completely alone, even when you're in the same room. You've spent the last five years learning how to be alone. You're already good at this.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
You just have this old association that when I leave, I'm not gonna be able to take it, but you already have the tools.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Well, I think the people that trigger us the most are the people that we're closest to. So it's hard to, well, they uniquely know how to push our buttons as well. Hopefully they don't do that on purpose, but they have the knowledge to be able to push our buttons. But also just it's like family.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
You know, you think you've grown so much and you think you have become so kind of wise and you've healed. And then you go back for Christmas with family or for the holidays. And within two days, something happens. has you feeling like a 14-year-old who's mad again. Those people that are closest to us have this unique ability to impact us.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
So I think it's really easy to have patience with people like, oh, it's so much easier with my friends. Yeah, no. You don't see your friend every night of the week. You see them once every couple of weeks. It's like a little honeymoon every time you get together because you're just excited to see each other. Of course they don't push your buttons the same way.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But the person you're with every day is going to. So I think having... we have to almost step back from it a little bit and go, this isn't necessarily a sign that my partner is so much worse than everybody else. It's a sign that this person is so close to me that it's the easiest place for me to get triggered. And it's probably the place I have the least patience.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
because I give so much energy everywhere else in my life, I take for granted that this person's gonna be there at the end of the day. We go to work and we give our best energy and then we go home and whatever is left, we hand to our partner and we've reserved our patience for everyone else in our lives. So I think taking a step back and going, what would it look like
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
This is a very hard thing to do, but what would it look like if I gave my partner the kind of grace or patience or understanding that I give to other people in my life? that frankly probably do a lot less for me, that show up a lot less for me. What would it look like if I started showing up for them in that way, I think isn't a bad question. Interesting. What would you add to that story?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I think it's, well, it would be, it would be, termed the trauma bond right that there's a there's this behavior that makes life really hard with this person or it might even make it intolerable but we tolerate it for as long as we can and then you know if it ever got too too bad for too long we would just have to leave right if it was if it was just hell 24 7 no matter what
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
we would leave, we would reach a certain pain threshold. But there's doses of moments, right? Of good moments. There's that moment where someone does something that hints at a different side of them, it hints at the potential for kindness, the potential for understanding, it hints at what the relationship could be. Or was in the beginning.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And that reels us back in. And we are so elated and so happy to have this moment that we then say, okay, I'm gonna go back in. And then of course, the other shoe drops, which it always does. And, you know, I think of it as a broken clock, right? The broken clock is right twice a day. You don't think it's a good... It's not a good watch for telling the time, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
It's failed in its fundamental function. But... when it's right you go well you know like that kind of relationship you're describing is the broken watch we're trying to use this thing to tell the time thinking that oh no it was right a minute ago well maybe maybe it is working after all and then we have to wait another 12 hours before it's right again so
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
that you have to ask yourself am i in that broken watch relationship um and if i am what's what's the way to get out of that well i think one of the ways is to properly tune into your feelings Because I think we don't really tune into what our experience is. We are so focused on where it could go or the fact that we think that we will never be okay if we lose this person. How will I get by?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Can I... Can I deal with the pain of losing this person? If I could just get them and turn them into the thing that I need them to be, then I'll be happy. We're so fixated on that that we're not fixated on the pain that we are in constantly, which is making us miserable. Or if we really paid attention, we'd look at how this disproportionately makes us miserable. I worked with someone who
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
ended a relationship with a very toxic person. And this person was never around. This person was completely dismissive. Even on the weekends when they were together, this person was just on their laptop, paying them absolutely zero attention. And the woman that I was coaching, I remember at the end of the relationship, she said, I just don't know how I'm gonna do this, how I'm gonna be on my own.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And then I showed her the relationship. Yeah, like if I'm not, I don't know how I'm going to be on my own. And then I actually showed her the relationship. You are on your own. I said, this person's never home. They stay out. On the weekends, you're completely alone, even when you're in the same room. You've spent the last five years learning how to be alone. You're already good at this.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
You just have this old association that when I leave, I'm not going to be able to take it, but you already have the tools.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I mean, I think if we have a very different vision for how we wanna live our lives, you know, those are really hard. You know, one person wants a family and the other one doesn't. You know, these are... But to the point of communication, those are things that often people turn a blind eye to. Why is that?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
We have a scarcity mindset. It's that fear of nothing better is going to come along. Look, I think that in our love lives especially, We really want to meet someone. It's a universal thing. We really want to meet someone. And when we haven't met someone, we can start to get scared as time goes on. And we...
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
think there's something wrong with us and I'm broken and I'm never going to find someone and what if it never happens for me and God it's so hard to meet someone and so the most dangerous moment in love and dating is the moment you meet someone you're attracted to that is the most dangerous moment because if you meet a person you're attracted to in a place of scarcity and fear
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
That is precisely the time that you lower your standards and you lose your boundaries. Because the instinct is don't do anything that could mess it up. The instinct is not, let me see how right this is. Don't do anything to screw this up. Now, people have different ways of dealing with that fear. But if you take, you know, one example is some people go into like anxious fawning, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I'm scared. I'm just going to do everything. What kind of characterizes anxious fawning? I'm going to... Anxious fawning? Fawning, yeah. Fawning, okay. I'm going to like, so I'm anxious. And my instinct when I'm anxious is to try to make you happy. Because if I can make you happy, maybe you'll never leave me. So for a lot of people, what that means is I overgive myself.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
at the same time as under-communicating what I really need, which is a really poisonous combination. Because it simultaneously means you burn out giving to someone, but also no one knows what you really want.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Yeah, you resent them, but you're too afraid to rock the boat because you don't want to lose them. And it's fascinating to me. You can literally look at different types of people and how they react to that. If you are doing that and you come across an avoidant, Someone who's avoidant is gonna get pushed away. They're gonna be like, this is a lot.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And you're gonna keep giving even though they've pulled away, because that's what you do, but you're not gonna communicate that it's hurt you that they've pulled away. So with an avoidant type, you won't get your needs met Because you won't communicate as they pull away. You'll just keep giving, hoping that they'll come back.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
If you come across an anxious person and you're anxiously fawning, that person might consume you. Most people, not most people, some people have had that experience with a parent where their parent was just trying to get their own needs met. And they became the child that gave and gave and gave and gave and gave to try to make the parent happy. But because they had no boundaries around that.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They became deeply resentful of this one sided relationship with their parent. People then go into that in relationships, too, where it's like they just live in service of this other person who's anxiously taking as much as they can. If you come across a secure person and you're anxiously fawning, then that person is going to have a hard time connecting with you.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Because they're not going to know what your preferences are. They're going to say, what do you want for dinner? And you say, what do you want for dinner? And they'll go, I don't know, Chinese food. And you'll go, that was me too. I wanted that. And if you do that three times in a row, they'll realize they don't know who you are. They can't connect with you. They don't know how to make you happy.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And they can't really trust you. because they can't trust that you're ever really saying what you really think. So I say this to highlight the fact that this is how these dynamics get started, is we're coming from a place of fear. And when we're coming from a place of fear, we go to the weapons that we know how to use, right? We all have our weapon of choice.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
For some people it's, I don't let anyone screw with me. And that's their weapon of choice. And the moment they think they could get hurt, they reject someone before that person can reject them. Other people is my weapon of choice is making, trying to do as much as possible for you that I make myself indispensable. It's worth everyone asking like, what's my weapon of choice? What do I default to?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And if I never question what I'm defaulting to, I'm going to always be in the same kinds of relationships. And by the way, that anxious fawning I'm talking about, who does it attract? The toxic person, right? Because that person sees a free lunch. I'm going to come and take everything from the buffet here. And then when I'm done with it, I'm out.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
So then we go, why do I always attract people like this? Or why do I always fall into these patterns? is because there is a weapon that we are overusing. And at some point we have to, like, it's a very brave thing to go, what weapon am I overusing? And recognize, by the way, that's meeting a need. that there's some need it's meeting, right? If I'm... Not a healthy need.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if I crack jokes and make everyone laugh and I know I can do that, then it meets a need for me. It's control. I know that I can control the room through making people laugh. Now, it also might be a barrier to connection in situations where sincerity is called for and we never get deep because I'm always making jokes. But if I stop joking...
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And I say, I'm gonna try and create a deeper connection and that means I'm gonna pull back from the sarcasm, let's say. I have taken away my own most practiced sharpened weapon. And I may not know how to operate in this new territory. I now may find myself almost like a toddler in conversation, going, I don't know how to play this game.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I don't know how to connect with people when I'm not being funny. And it requires us almost to get worse before we get better, to feel like we're taking a step backwards before we take a step forwards. The step forwards might ultimately be a far healthier relationship or a far better relationship than anything we've ever experienced. But...
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
we might have to go almost like go back to like learning how to walk again in an area and give up that power we're used to feeling so that we can have something much more rewarding on the other side of it.