On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must-Listens: 6 Love Experts Reveal How to Finally Attract the Right Relationship! Featuring Joe Dispenza & Lori Gottlieb
Wed, 26 Feb 2025
What do you think is the biggest dating mistake people make? Have you ever chased someone who wasn’t right for you? Today, in this special compilation episode, we explore all things love - how people navigate it, where they go wrong, and how they can cultivate deeper, more meaningful connections. Through a collection of thought-provoking conversations, Jay Shetty and his guests offer insight and practical advice to help listeners build healthier relationships. Each guest shares their unique approach to manifesting genuine love, highlighting the importance of being present in relationships, breaking free from unhealthy patterns, and shifting focus from seeking external validation to building self-worth. Heartbreak is reframed as a powerful opportunity for growth, with the reminder that love is not something to chase, but something to nurture within, allowing the right connections to come naturally. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Know if Someone Is Wasting Your Time How to Do the Work to Prepare for a Relationship How to Get Out of the Cycle of Seeking External Validation How to Reframe Settling as a Positive Choice in Love How to Turn Pain into a Source of Growth and Learning The path to finding love is not easy, but every step matters. By learning from your past, committing to personal growth, and approaching love with an open heart, you create the space for deeper, more fulfilling connections. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty. Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:45 How to Know if Someone is Wasting Your Time 03:29 Is It Real Connection or Just Chemistry? 06:26 Am I Behind in Love? 08:59 Why Is Developing Self Awareness Difficult? 13:19 How to Attract the Right Relationship 15:55 How to Manifest Love 17:56 Have You Found the Right Person? 24:43 Letting Go Might Be an Answer 28:58 How to Love Fully Without Losing YourselfSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What is the biggest dating mistake people make?
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for tuning back into On Purpose. I appreciate it so much. Today, we're diving into one of the most important topics in all of our lives, love. And love isn't just about romantic relationships. It's about understanding ourselves, building meaningful connections, and growing into the best versions of who we are.
Chapter 2: How can you tell if someone is wasting your time?
So in this special compilation episode, I've gathered wisdom from some of the best minds out there to help you navigate love with more clarity, confidence, and purpose. Number one, how do we know if someone is wasting our time? Whether it's a relationship that feels stagnant or a connection that just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, we need to recognize the signs.
To break it down for us, we have Stefan Speaks, relationship coach, speaker, and bestselling author. He's helped millions navigate love with honesty and self-awareness. Let's hear what he has to say.
So to me, again, I think it always starts with self. And you have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here? Why are you holding on? What's really driving you? Because just use an example, let's say you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding on to this guy is because he's a nice guy. You don't feel like starting the process over with somebody else.
So, even though you're not feeling it with him, you figure let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time. This is where you're setting yourself up for disaster every single time. So, if it's not born out of a true connection, love, a genuine desire, you really like this individual.
Of course, there's always things we have to work through but is the foundation strong enough for us to say okay, we can make something special here.
And I think once we are honest with ourselves that kind of helps answer the question because sometimes we get so caught up trying to analyze the other individual that it's like we get in our heads and now we're missing the mark on what's really important here. And we can't always say for sure what's going on with them.
I will say that in general if this person isn't willing to talk about things they're wasting your time. If they're not willing to address or correct things that have been talked about they're wasting your time. If you guys aren't on the same page about what you want and where you want to go in life wasting time.
So, there are some things I think we can just look at and say listen, this is pointless here. But a lot of times and I have to say this especially for women Women's intuition is extremely powerful. I'm a huge believer in it. And I feel like women know very early this isn't it. But they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this man a chance.
And this again is a waste of time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating into years of being married to someone they were not happy with. all because they did not listen to themselves from the beginning. They knew what it was, but they just could not accept it for what it was.
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Chapter 3: Is it real connection or just chemistry?
And that's hard to come back from.
Absolutely. And that's why it's so important for us to know who we are so that we can present the real from the jump, you know. Because again, a lot of times people, you know, this idea that we're always changing. Yes, I do think we're always evolving, but some of the big shifts that you see it's not because that's just the way life is.
It's because you didn't take the time to figure yourself out first. And then you got with this person and now you want them to adjust. Now, thank God for you she was able to adjust but there's a lot of people that they can't handle that. And now everything falls apart from there. So, that's why yeah, we have to be very careful with what we're presenting from the beginning. That's pure gold.
Chemistry can feel intense but it doesn't always mean long-term compatibility. Now, let's shift gears. Number three, maybe you're single and wondering, am I behind? If you've ever felt that way, this next guest is for you.
Laurie Gottlieb is a psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, and a relationship expert who's here to remind us why being single at 28 or any age is not a bad thing.
you are exactly where you need to be if you are doing the work. If you're not doing the work, you're going to be behind. And what I mean by doing the work is if you are not in a place where you want to be with a relationship, you have to understand why. So are you examining what has not worked yet? If I am single and I don't want to be single, what can I be doing differently?
And so I think that's the important work. So you're not behind at all. In fact, you're probably ahead of people who are in relationships who have not done the work and maybe aren't in the right relationship or are in a relationship that's not going to last or isn't going well.
Why is it that we struggle to actually do the work? What does that look like?
I think it's so much easier when we talk to our friends and, you know, I've talked about the difference between idiot compassion and wise compassion before. Idiot compassion is you say to your friend, look what happened on this date or look what happened with this person. And they say, yeah, you're right. They're wrong. And we never learn or grow from that. Right?
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Chapter 4: Am I behind if I'm single at 28?
And then if you do even more work, you're not even drawn to those people anymore. Now you're drawn to healthy people, stable people, flexible people, emotionally generous people, people whose values align with yours. That's who you're drawn to. So you have to do the work.
Is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person? Is there a collective collaborative future tripping? Like what does that look like?
I think the future tripping is being in the present. And what I mean is what's happening now is what it's gonna look like in the future. So instead of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way, or we're gonna have this kind of life, but you don't know if the other person wants that kind of life. If you're not talking about it now in the present, you don't know.
How does this person treat me now? What is it like when we're together? The biggest indicator would be we had a disagreement. How did we get through it? That's what your future is going to look like. We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other. We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair. Everybody's going to have ruptures.
You have it with your family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents, with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture with them. because we're so in love and we see each other and we see eye to eye, but of course you're going to have ruptures.
It's not so much whether you're going to have a rupture, it's what do you do with it? And what does it look like? So if you have been dating for, let's say six months and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior. You have to be able to be yourselves.
That's going to tell you what the future looks like. So stop the pretending, be yourself, be what you want your future to look like, act like you want your future to look like, see how the other person acts and see what happens between the two of you. And a repair would look like something like, oh, I didn't, you know, we're having a disagreement right now.
Why don't we take 15 minutes and let's come back when we're not so heated and let's talk about that. Or, you know, you made a mistake. You know what? I've been thinking about this. You know, say you have an argument. You say, we're not going to talk for a few minutes. Let's go cool off, whatever. You call them back and you say, you know what? I thought about it. I was wrong. And I'm so sorry.
Here's what I did. And I wish I had done it this way. And that's great if your partner can do that or if you can do that, right? And then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you, if your partner can say, I really appreciate that. And I wish that I had reacted differently in this way. And how can I be more supportive in those moments? That's beautiful. That's your future.
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Chapter 5: Why is developing self-awareness difficult?
And we cannot attract anything in our life that we feel separate from. trusting in a future that you can't see or experience. You have to lay down the very thing you use your whole life to get what you want to trust that something greater could happen. And that's not something that's very easy. So I like the idea that it wouldn't happen on a date that was from an app. It could happen in a bank.
It could happen at a seminar. It could happen in the grocery store, you know, in a way that you least expect, right? And I think that when we get to a point where we're so happy with ourselves, we're no longer looking because we feel like we already have it. I think that's the state where people attract an equal.
Become the person you want to attract. When we focus on our own growth, the right relationships naturally follow. Number six, what about manifesting love? How do we stop chasing and start aligning? Joe shares why joy and presence are the key to attracting the right partner.
We're conditioned in a way to like, okay, I need something out there. I need the experience, the proof. I need the event to occur. And the end product of that event or experience is called an emotion. The emotion takes away the lack or separation from not having it. So we're waiting for the event to occur to take away the feeling of separation or lack.
And actually, that's not the healthiest way to create. And actually, we should feel the emotion of the experience before it happens. So that if you're feeling the emotion of that future before it happens, truly feeling it, you wouldn't be looking for it. You would only be looking for it when you felt separate from it, right? So can you maintain that state?
Because the only way you're going to believe... in that future is you have to feel the emotion associated with it. The moment you feel the lack and the separation, you're going to believe in the past. And there's a story that goes along with the past that has everything to do with the dating is hard or finding a person or whatever that is.
The story that we tell ourselves that we actually accept, believe and surrender to as if it's the truth, right? So that's exactly what programs the subconscious mind in, into a belief, right? So, The default... is so seamless to lose that vision or that belief in the future. The moment we start feeling the emotions of lack or survival in the past, right?
That's the moment we can't see that future any longer because we would be looking at that future through the lens of the past. And we would doubt that that future could actually exist.
That really resonated with me. The idea that we're not searching, we're aligning. It's a whole new way to look at love.
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Chapter 6: How do you attract the right relationship?
And actually the extraordinary is the thing you sculpt together. It's no different from a career. When we think of what's our like, what are we worried about in our love life? For so many of us, it's that we're going to settle.
Yes.
I'm going to settle for the wrong person. Well, I think we can actually start to reclaim the language of settling and make it into a very positive thing. What if it wasn't settling for, what if you decided to settle on settling? Because when you settle on someone, there's a power to that. It's like you resolve to say, I'm going to settle on this.
I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten from the pain that I didn't choose has been no less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain I did choose. In fact, actually, I think the most valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose. And when you realize that, you can kind of almost, I think, look at some of the worst moments of your life as like a menu of pain.
And beside the item on the menu is the very specific, unique benefits that can only come from this kind of pain. And you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like retroactively choosing that pain.
which is a very valuable thing to do because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment on rats where one rat was on a wheel and was just given the free rein to just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat, this was rat A, rat B was connected to that wheel. He was on another wheel that was connected to rat A's wheel. And any time rat A chose to run, rat B had to run, right?
So both doing the same amount of exercising, but at the end of the experiment, rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and rat B shows all the negative markers of stress.
Oh, wow.
Same amount of exercise, what's the difference? Well, rat A chose to run, rat B didn't. Anyone who doesn't choose you cannot be for you. If they don't see you, like what is a relationship? It's someone sees you, they accept you and they want that. That's the most beautiful part of a relationship.
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Chapter 7: What is the key to manifesting love?
In fact, I'm going to go, I'm going to tie it to my wrist so it can't disappear because that happened to me once before. And you know what I mean? I'm going to just, you know, that's it. And then slowly that balloon will just wilt and it will run out of the thing that made it gray. And it will just then be, then it's tied to your wrist and you're dragging it behind you, right?
And actually it's something quite beautiful. And again, environmentally, I'm not encouraging this. We didn't know about this when we were kids. When you let go of a balloon, it's magical, magical. And then you see it and you're like, oh my God, I used to have that. I used to hold onto that and look at it now. Look, it's just flowing. That's amazing.
And then you go, well, now I haven't got a balloon. And then you go, well, maybe I'll get another one. Maybe there'll be another balloon and maybe it'll be a different shape or it'll be shinier or whatever it is. Like you've got to be able to let go of stuff to make new things come in. You've got to have the space and the time to encounter something new.
A friend of mine a year ago, maybe less, had his heart broken in the most brutal circumstances. It was his first love, first girlfriend. And they broke up and he was just not in a good way. And this was his first real proper serious girlfriend, certainly the first time he'd been in love before. I just found myself saying to him, I was like, this is great.
this is great because you really only understand what love is once your heart's been broken. You understand how tender it is. And I was like, and you understand it now. And what's, you're looking at this all wrong. You get to do it again. You get to do this again. You're going to meet someone else and feel all these feelings and perhaps
you'll go into that relationship, learning what you've learned from this relationship, and that will then feed that relationship in a different way. And he's just met someone, right?
Yeah.
And he's like, oh my God, this is amazing. And I'm like, yeah. He's got that balloon again. Yeah. That's it. That's it. And so, again, I think it's expectation. is the thing that makes us hold onto stuff. If you can just ebb and flow with stuff, you're going to find it so much easier to take the good, the bad, and the everything in between as just all being good for you.
This next conversation is really close to my heart because it's with someone who knows me better than anyone, my wife, Radhi. She's not just my life partner, she's an incredible nutritionist, chef, and advocate for conscious living. Over the years, we've learned so much about love together, what it means to grow as individuals while staying deeply connected as a couple.
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