Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Navigating the battlefield of modern love requires mastering both vulnerability and boundaries, as revealed in this powerful relationship wisdom episode featuring three of today's most insightful voices. Former Bachelor star Nick Viall discusses his dating journey from "love martyr" to genuine connection. Relationship coaches Matthew Hussey and Sadia Khan illuminate why many committed relationships fail when we prioritize intensity over true compatibility. They offer essential guidance for breaking toxic cycles and creating authentic connections that stand the test of time. And renowned therapist Esther Perel unpacks the polarities that both challenge and strengthen our bonds in marriage. Whether you're healing from heartbreak, questioning your patterns, or seeking to deepen your connection, these rare insights from relationship royalty will revolutionize how you love - and how you let yourself be loved.In this episode you will learn:How to navigate all 3 phases of relationship – dating, commitment, and marriageHow to distinguish between the intense feelings of chemistry versus the deeper foundation of compatibility in relationshipsWhy becoming a "love martyr" leads to staying in broken relationships and how to break this destructive patternThe critical difference between validation and love, and how confusing the two creates unhealthy relationship dynamicsThree powerful questions to ask yourself after a breakup to heal with more grace and move forwardFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1751For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Nick Viall – greatness.lnk.to/1565SCSadia Khan & Matthew Hussey – greatness.lnk.to/1659SCEsther Perel – greatness.lnk.to/1686SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Chapter 1: Why is it important to distinguish between love and validation?
You know, you think you've grown so much and you think you have become so kind of wise and you've healed. And then you go back for Christmas with family or for the holidays. Just push your buttons and trigger you. Within two days, something happens. has you feeling like a 14-year-old who's mad again. Those people that are closest to us have this unique ability to impact us.
So I think it's really easy to have patience with people like, oh, it's so much easier with my friends. Yeah, no.
you don't see your friend every night of the week you see them once every couple of weeks it's like a little honeymoon every time you get together because you just you're just excited to see each other of course they don't push your buttons the same way but the person you're with every day is going to so um i think having we we have to almost step back from it a little bit and go this isn't necessarily a sign that my partner is so much worse than everybody else it's a sign that
This person is so close to me that it's the easiest place for me to get triggered. And it's probably the place I have the least patience. because I give so much energy everywhere else in my life, I take for granted that this person's gonna be there at the end of the day.
We go to work and we give our best energy and then we go home and whatever is left, we hand to our partner and we've reserved our patience for everyone else in our lives. So I think taking a step back and going, what would it look like
This is a very hard thing to do, but what would it look like if I gave my partner the kind of grace or patience or understanding that I give to other people in my life that frankly probably do a lot less for me? that show up a lot less for me. What would it look like if I started showing up for them in that way, I think isn't a bad question. Interesting. What would you add to that?
I would say one of the problems with the racial dysregulation is we as human beings tend to select the person who enables the dysregulation rather than the person we want to be with the most.
Why do we select that person more?
Because they tolerate our insufferable behavior a bit more. So sometimes as a woman who's suffered from lots of emotional dysregulation in the past, I would find myself just seeing somebody's tolerance of my insufferable behavior as a symbol of love. So sometimes people who can't regulate their emotions will look for the punching bag in their life.
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Chapter 2: What are the signs of being a 'love martyr' in relationships?
For him, wow.
For him. And we knew he had kidney issues, but not that bad. Not that bad. That meant... And you know, in the United States, there are no organs because the system is set up that if you want to be a donor, you have to specify it on your driver's license. In Belgium, where I'm from, everybody is a donor unless you specify on your driver's license that you don't want to be a donor.
So think about that because it really saves lives. But now I needed to find a kidney. Wow. And that meant I needed to let people help me. And I was at a mercy. So I began to talk to small groups of friends. Just grew the circle every time a little bit. Who would like to donate a kidney? I'm not a match. My son is not a match. My other son was not going to be able to do.
And it's an amazingly humble thing. you know, experience to... I had no problem asking, I have to say. I genuinely have no problem asking for help. I am not the person who helps others but can't ask for myself.
You don't gingerly do the eroticism with asking for help.
Exactly.
You're like, give me the help, let's go.
And I got a point where we had 10 people, 10 people who were willing to donate, but one match. And anyway, the match came through. It was our friend. We brought her over from Europe. We created this whole ritual with friends in my house where the night before they went in, instead of it just being an organ donation, we turned it into a sacred gift.
Holy moly.
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