Sadia Khan
Appearances
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
I would say one of the problems with the racial dysregulation is we as human beings tend to select the person who enables the dysregulation rather than the person we want to be with the most.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Because they tolerate our insufferable behavior a bit more. So sometimes as a woman who's suffered from lots of emotional dysregulation in the past, I would find myself just seeing somebody's tolerance of my insufferable behavior as a symbol of love. So sometimes people who can't regulate their emotions will look for the punching bag in their life.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
They'll look for the person that they can be dysregulated for and that person remains committed and they see that as a signal of love and they connect with the person who actually has weak boundaries. So a combination of emotional dysregulation and selecting somebody who is tolerable.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Yeah, it leads to that dysregulation not being resolved. I think the key question is that with emotional dysregulation, we know if we do that at work, we'll get fired. And we know that if we do that in public, we'll get arrested if we do that in public.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
But when we pick a partner and we make sure that that partner doesn't actually have a willingness to walk away or that partner just allows it the most, we might just exude all of our dysregulation on that one party. So it's really important when you suffer from emotional dysregulation to select a partner that still, just because they can tolerate it doesn't mean they should.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And they should still, and you, on the receiving end, still have a threshold of how much you can and can't accept. And only when a partner or a person who's emotionally dysregulated meets somebody that they genuinely love and respect, but also has a very clear threshold of how much they can handle, does a dysregulated partner start to monitor their own reactions.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
but if they feel like they can get away with it, sometimes they will. So I think this regulation can lead to selection of enablers rather than selections of compatibility.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
I used to be a big banner for that because I was a nightmare myself. So I was like, oh, I love this statement. But I think if you can't respect somebody at your worst, you don't deserve them at your best.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And so while you're at your worst, if you totally disrespect that person and totally crush their boundaries, you don't deserve them when they're at their best or you don't deserve them when you're at your best. So instead of expecting somebody to tolerate your behavior, remember you also have a duty of care to them.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And you should also say, at my worst, I don't want to put them through so much suffering. At my worst, I want to express myself. I understand I'm not going to be perfect, but does it mean I treat them as an emotional punching bag?
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And then you'll get a party on your birthday. It doesn't really work that way. So it's almost like a form of manipulation. And I'm saying in the worst case scenario because I've been that person that had that kind of mantra. But it's actually how we treat our loved ones at our worst is a symbol of how much we respect them.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And we need to try and be mindful of that because some people just can't tolerate you at your worst. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just that they're not equipped for that level of emotional dysregulation.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Ask yourself, would you tolerate you at your worst? If at your worst you get abusive? Right now, yeah. Yeah, right now I would. I mean, I'm good right now, but yeah. I would tolerate me. In my past, maybe not. In my past, I wouldn't. But right now, it's fine.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
But in the past, if your worst looks like emotional abuse, if it looks like infidelity, if it looks like physical abuse, would you tolerate you at your worst? And if you would, perfect. You're probably in a healthy space. If you wouldn't, what would you suggest to somebody who's going to have to... What would you say to yourself if you had to experience that?
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And if you would say to yourself, oh, just leave, don't tolerate that, then don't expect your partner to tolerate that.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I would say one of the problems with emotional dysregulation is we as human beings tend to select the person who enables the dysregulation rather than the person we want to be with the most.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Because they tolerate our insufferable behavior a bit more. So sometimes as a woman who's suffered from lots of emotional dysregulation in the past, I would find myself just seeing somebody's tolerance of my insufferable behavior as a symbol of love. So sometimes people who can't regulate their emotions will look for the punching bag in their life.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They'll look for the person that they can be dysregulated for. And that person remains committed. And they see that as a signal of love. And they connect with the person who actually has weak boundaries. So a combination of emotional dysregulation and selecting somebody who is tolerable.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Yeah, it leads to that dysregulation not being resolved. I think the key question is that with emotional dysregulation, we know if we do that at work, we'll get fired. And we know that if we do that in public, we'll get arrested if we do that in public.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But when we pick a partner and we make sure that that partner doesn't actually have a willingness to walk away or that partner just allows it the most, we might just exude all of our dysregulation on that one party. So it's really important when you suffer from emotional dysregulation to select a partner that still, just because they can tolerate it doesn't mean they should.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And they should still, and you, on the receiving end, still have a threshold of how much you can and can't accept. And only when a partner or a person who's emotionally dysregulated meets somebody that they genuinely love and respect, but also has a very clear threshold of how much they can handle, does a dysregulated partner start to monitor their own reactions.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if they feel like they can get away with it, sometimes they will. So I think dysregulation can lead to selection of enablers rather than selections of compatibility.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I used to be a big banner for that because I was a nightmare myself. So I was like, oh, I love this statement. But I think if you can't respect somebody at your worst, you don't deserve them at your best.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And so while you're at your worst, if you totally disrespect that person and totally crush their boundaries, you don't deserve them when they're at their best, or you don't deserve them when you're at your best. So instead of expecting somebody to tolerate your behavior, remember you also have a duty of care to them.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And you should also say, at my worst, I don't want to put them through so much suffering. At my worst, I want to express myself. I understand I'm not going to be perfect, but does it mean I treat them as an emotional punching bag?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And then you'll get a party on your birthday. It doesn't really work that way. So it's almost like a form of manipulation. And I'm saying in the worst case scenario because I've been that person that had that kind of mantra. But it's actually how we treat our loved ones at our worst is a symbol of how much we respect them.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And we need to try and be mindful of that because some people just can't tolerate you at your worst. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just that they're not equipped for that level of emotional dysregulation.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Ask yourself, would you tolerate you at your worst? If at your worst you get abusive?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
In my past, I wouldn't. But right now, it's fine. But in the past, if your worst looks like emotional abuse, if it looks like infidelity, if it looks like physical abuse, would you tolerate you at your worst? And if you would, perfect. You're probably in a healthy space.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
If you wouldn't, what would you suggest to somebody who's going to have to... What would you say to yourself if you had to experience that? And if you would say to yourself, oh, just leave, don't tolerate that, then don't expect your partner to tolerate that.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
The investment they've placed into it makes it very difficult for them to see objective reality. In their mind, they have a vision of the future. It might involve children, it might involve a home, it might involve any kind of connection. And they think that vision can only be achieved with the person they've invested the most in.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They don't realize that vision is still achievable outside of this relationship. They attribute the ability to achieve all of that to this relationship working out. As a friend or a family member, you can say, well, you're still a great person. You can still find love. You can still have kids. You can still get married. But you can do it outside of this relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They don't see the vision outside of the relationship. So they've zoomed into the perspective of only through this person can I achieve my end goals. We as friends and family can say your goals are still are separate to this individual. They can still occur, but with somebody who doesn't have the unhealthy traits that make it impossible in this certain situation.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They don't communicate what is a deal breaker to them. They know all the things that they like. I like to go on dinner dates. I like to do this. I like to do that. But they forget that the stability of the relationship depends on the actual deal breakers rather than all the things that you love about the person.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
It might be lack of availability, emotional availability. It might be lack of affection. So they might be funny, they might have a great job, they might be beautiful, all of those things.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if they are emotionally unavailable or if they are not considerate or if they're not compassionate as a person, but I haven't realized that, that deal breaker is still there causing disruption of peace every single day.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if I realize my deal breakers and I go into it with the mentality that as long as... I don't care if you're an angel on paper, but if you've got even one deal breaker, chances are we'll fight about this deal breaker forever.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
It could just be that, you know, we disagree on a deal breaker might be commitment levels. How much commitment do I want? Or just a deal breaker might be how much time we spend together, quality time. It might be any of the love languages. One of them might be a deal breaker for you.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if that person has even one deal breaker, it will resurface again and again until the relationship slowly starts to corrode. So it's important to express what you think emotionally might be a deal breaker for you.