Sadia Khan
Appearances
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Women might find that a bit attractive, like, okay, perfect. He's very docile and passive. But later on, they find that man exhausting, particularly when they have children, they can't rely on him to make any decisions because he's almost doesn't trust his own judgment and he doesn't have that protective or provider instinct. So she kind of has to end up doing a dual role.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But the biggest thing I find with men that lack masculinities is they have a problem setting boundaries. And the effective way to set a boundary is to find the perfect balance between being stern and sensitive. What some men will be is too stern and they'll want to set a boundary and they get abusive at the same time. They're like, you can't do this. And they'll name call and they get too much,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
it so they don't know how to set it they allow any kind of behavior and then they kind of suppress what they're truly feeling to get the right balance you have to be stern with what you want from that person but be really sensitive to her needs and understand what she wants a reminder how much you love her and you want to save this relationship and that's why you're setting the boundary
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So it might be something like if she's talking to an ex or something like that, he might be stern and saying, I don't feel comfortable that you're talking to an ex, but the sensitive part is because I love you. And I really want this relationship to work. And I really want us to have a healthy pattern. I don't want any outside interference.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So getting that balance is something that guys that suffer with masculinity don't get right. And if they could just get that perfect balance of sternness and sensitivity, they'll be able to set boundaries a lot better.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
There's no love in there. There's no actual love there. They're setting all these boundaries, but they're aggressive with it. They're not reminding her that they love her. They don't even show her that they love her, but they want her to obey him. There's no way to set a boundary. And other men are just too on the soft side.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And then she forgets what he actually truly wants because he's kind of people pleasing. So finding that balance is something that's become difficult.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But that's a really common trait that the other type of man experience. Some men, because they saw their mom really struggle, they just want to relieve their partner of all struggles. So the other way that they can go is that they want to save a lot of women. And what ends up happening is that they really want to make sure that she has no troubles and she lives a life of complete comfort.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The problem is when you remove or struggle from anybody's life, they lose purpose. And they actually resent you for not allowing them to problem solve themselves. So some men in that position, what they'll end up doing, I'm not saying this is you, but generally sometimes those men, they want to protect their partner from any kind of pain and stress.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And in the process of doing that, they can either become a bit people pleasing or just solve every problem that she could potentially have. Either or, she doesn't actually get to fulfill her own potential. Yeah. And it can lead to resentment. So either way, unfortunately, the lack of male role model has a significant impact on how they behave with women.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah. And did you find that? Do you have that habit? Because a lot of men in that position, sometimes they'll choose women that are heavily, heavily traumatized, or they choose women that have never had any work and no work, or they might choose somebody who is just really struggling with some addictions.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And they like that because then they're like, I can just show you and help you and help you recover. But the problem is sometimes when those women do recover, they want a man with higher self-esteem, somebody who wouldn't tolerate so much of that negative behavior. And So they actually, yeah. So sometimes I'll meet men who like, she had this addiction. She was an alcoholic.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
She was traumatized from sexual abuse. I helped her get through all of it. But when she's recovered, she's actually looking at him like, why did you tolerate all of that? Why did you select this? There must be something wrong with you. I actually want somebody who's got a higher selection process now. Sometimes they can lose that woman that they have and women suffer from this as well.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They think that if I just show him I'm consistent, caring and loving, I'm getting through the addictions. When he finally recovers, he actually looks for somebody with higher self-esteem and they end up, all that investment can sometimes go to waste.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It is.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They are, but sometimes they don't know if you are there because you love them or you're seeking their approval. And a lot of people, sometimes they are approval seeking and master that through helping. They will help that person financially, help that person with every single problem that they have. But there's an unconscious contract that the more I help you, the more you will love me in return.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And sometimes we can see through it when it's not genuine. And when that person can see through that this was all done with a contract assigned to it, that one day you will then be loyal, loving and committed to me. they didn't agree to sign that contract. So when they're healed, they can become ungrateful to the person that helped them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So it just depends what the unconscious contract is when you're helping people.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
People sense that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
You have those boundaries. So how you communicate, because I suffer from that as well. I like to be super, super helpful because then I'm like, I'm so irreplaceable. If I do all of these things, I'm so irreplaceable. But there's unconscious ego attached to that. It's like, look how wonderful I am because I saw you through all your financial woes and all this stuff.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But really the best way to communicate that you're there for love and not for approval is that you still have deal breakers. Where people go wrong is that they are literally a doormat. There's nothing you can do that will make them ever leave. Whereas where you're still loving, but you're not approval seeking is there's a limit to how much you can take.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
the moment you heal your self-esteem you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad for you people who don't love you people who don't treat you right how you know your self-esteem is improving is at the moment those people start treating you badly you lose attraction to them the psychologist teacher and relationship expert what would be your advice to someone who feels like they've got ghosted
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And if there's not at least gratitude, respect, honor, and loyalty, you will leave. Whereas if you have no deal breakers whatsoever, and you're just consistently loving this person who is just taking from you, it signals low self-esteem to that person and it signals an incorrect attachment.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. The best predictor of future relationships is their past relationships. People are their patterns. My number one client is a man who's just been cheated on. The women are cheating on the men. No. A lot more than I ever expected.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I've gotten in a lot of trouble for saying this in the past, and I'll say it again. Usually, in my experience of when women cheat on men, it's not so much that he's done something toxic. I've met women who are in toxic relationships and stayed loyal the whole time. It's simply when he lacks masculinity, they are most likely to cheat. I don't actually see women often cheating on a toxic man.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
they're actually quite loyal to him. They're more likely to cheat on the man that is too passive, too naive, and too people-pleasing. And the reason for that is because there's something about that man that is so soft, so naive, that makes her lose sexual attraction.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
something about the fact that he can't spot red flags, something about the fact that he believes everything, he doesn't question anything, he's afraid to assert his boundaries, makes a woman crave somebody with a bit more masculinity.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So it's not so much that they're cheating on him because he's so bad to her, because I've met so many women saying he's a wonderful man, he treats me really, really well, I'm just not in love with him. And usually the reason why she's not in love with him is because he's not protective enough.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And what, some men will provide, but what we mean by protective is she might be out all day with her ex-boyfriend and he won't get protective and say, Hey babe, look, I don't feel comfortable. Or she might be doing, you know, disrespect to him or anything like that. And he doesn't stand up for himself. And in those moments when a man doesn't stand up for himself, she loses that respect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And then she crosses new boundaries because mainly she believes he will stay regardless. And when we give our partners the belief that regardless of how you behave, I will forgive and maintain consistent. I'll love you regardless. We think we're showing them unconditional love. But what they'll end up doing is thinking that we are going to tolerate unconditional disrespect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Well, you knew he was like that anyway, so what's the problem?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And they end up just pushing our boundaries more and more.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So what he does is make sure he's aware of when he's being disrespected. And we naturally, human beings in general, and I think this is men and women, if you ever want to prevent yourself from getting cheated on, it's not so much that you have to spot the red flags in the other person. Sometimes you can become a person who never gets cheated on.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
No matter what relationship you go in, you can become immunized to it. And the way to become immunized to being cheated on is number one, understanding your partner's true needs, understanding what they actually need in a relationship and asking yourself, can I commit to that? So some people will be in a relationship with somebody who's got a really high sex drive. They just can't meet that need.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If you know you can't, at some point that relationship is going to suffer. Or sometimes you might meet a partner who really needs financial support and you can't meet that need. At some point that relationship will break down. So understand your partner's true needs. The second thing is knowing that if they did cheat on you, you would leave.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If you give the signals to your partner that you wouldn't leave no matter what they do and you don't meet the needs of each other, chances are that relationship will end in infidelity. But if you meet each other's needs and you have a rule, both of you have a particular rule, like if it did happen, I'm going to leave. There's no two ways about it. Chances are your partner won't take that risk.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They only take that risk when they believe unconsciously you're going to accept their behavior regardless of what they do. And the signals of that come earlier on. So it might be early signals that you catch that they're still on Tinder. You forgive them. You go through their phone. You find that they're still talking to other people. You forgive them. You forgive the footsteps too many times.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I'm not saying you become toxic and don't forgive anything, but you let them know that this behavior is not something I tolerate. you can do it, no problem, but I'm not going to stick around for it. When they learn that you mean what you say, they'll naturally improve.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But if they see that you make a big hoo-ha, you scream and shout, but you actually tolerate more and more disrespect, you give them the signal that you'll accept any behavior and they start taking more risks if it's the wrong person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
When you can't change others, you have to change yourself. And the only thing you can do is withdraw and remove access. Unfortunately, that's the only way to teach people how to treat you correctly, is you remove the perks of being with you. And some people are scared to do that because they worry, then I'll lose them. But you'll lose a person who's going to continuously get more disrespectful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I know, but sometimes it's more lonely staying with the wrong person. And this is why I think having a good social network is as important as having a good healthy relationship. A healthy relationship without a social network will lead to codependency, but your social network is so, so important because what it does is
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
is as the relationship starts to fall apart, that fear of walking away when you need to is lessened. But when you don't have a social network, as that relationship starts to fall apart, you will tolerate more and more abuse because you're just so afraid of being alone, which we all are. We all are, but having a good social network acts as a buffer for that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They may cheat. And from my work, what I've noticed is women fall in love in three stages. And if any of those stages are missing, the relationship will either break down very quickly or it will break down very slowly, but it will break down. And I call it the three A's and I have like a program on it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The first thing is women have to be truly attracted to their man in order for the relationship to actually turn into love at some stage. There has to be physical attraction because naturally that fades with time and, you know, with so much familiarity. If we don't have that to begin with, it can become very difficult to start a romantic relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
This is why we have so many friends, so many male friends, because if we're not truly attracted to him, even if he's wonderful... We can't start a romantic relationship. So I always say it starts with attraction. The second stage for a woman to truly fall in love with a man, she has to admire who he is. And what that means is with or without her influence, he's just a man that she admires.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
He's got a great job. He's got a good network of friends. He's got lots of self-control. He's not an addict and he's not addicted. He's got good level of self-control in terms of money, his body, his sexual behavior. It's not all over the place. So she truly admires him. And then once she's attracted and admires him, then she needs adoration from him.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
He needs to show her, adore her, reassure her, all of those things. If she gets all three of those, chances are our relationship won't break down. But if any of those are missing, maybe he adores her, absolutely adores her, but she's not truly attracted to him. At some stage, the relationship will break down because that adoration will feel like neediness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Or let's say, for example, she's truly attracted to him and he's giving her lots of reassurance, but he's not an admirable man. He's not working, he's not achieving, he's not doing a lot. Even though she might love him and it might be a slow breakdown, but at some stage she'll need someone she can admire, particularly when she has children.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So without those three ingredients, I don't think women realize this, but if any of those are missing, they will at some stage lose interest.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're actually equal. They're actually equal. If you have lots of physical attraction, you admire him lots, but he's not showing you any admiration that will literally turn into a toxic relationship. You'll be begging for hugs and kisses and he won't give it to you. You'll be begging for him to give you compliments.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
He won't give it to you, but you'll be stuck because you're like, I know he's a good man. So many women come to me and say, I know he's a good man. He's got a great job. He's such a good, he's so good at his work. All his friends love him. She admires him and she's attracted to him, but he doesn't adore her. She suffers a lot. He will start rejecting her sexually.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
He doesn't remind her she's beautiful. She feels so invisible around him. But she's stuck because she's like, on paper, he's a great man. So she's got two of those ingredients. Other times, and this is where the nice guy suffers, she's got so much adoration, so much reassurance. He loves her. He adores her. He's a good man, but she's just not attracted to him.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And she's pushing herself to really love him. But she just simply can't find the physical attraction. And then she kind of thinks, gaslights herself and be like, am I an evil person? How can I not love him? there's nothing wrong with you. It's just those three ingredients, if they're not there, and I know it sounds like we're being super fussy, but it doesn't have to be super fussy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
My husband's no oil painting. It's not that. It's just the fact that I am attracted. It's as simple as that. And it doesn't mean he's cured cancer. I just admire the person he is. That's all it is. It doesn't have to be extreme. It's just that I've got attraction and admiration and the adoration. You just need your level of that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Missing those ingredients is either a quick end because it will be toxic. It's just not giving you the love you need. Or it'll be a slow one because you're not truly attracted. But either way, it will break down.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
That's all.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Especially in this day and age. Not everybody's going to have a husband that is great at writing poems and singing songs about them, but he still adores you in his way. And that works for you. And sometimes some girls will be like, oh my God, you go 50-50 with your husband? I could never... But if that works in your marriage and you're both doing the best you can, that's perfect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's totally fine. You don't have to compare yourself to the standards that have been hijacked by TikTok memes. Just as long as it works for you, no problem. But if you miss those ingredients, unfortunately, at some stage, you'll realize that the relationship is not quite working. And it doesn't mean you become extra fussy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It just means you pay attention to this and you figure out which of those is missing and try and work on that. Maybe the adoration is missing. Try and work on that. Maybe the attraction is missing. There's nothing wrong with telling your partner, babe, I would love it if we start working out together. There's nothing wrong with doing that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But if we miss those things and then we ignore the resolution, unfortunately, our relationships will suffer.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's simple, but it works.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's just all three.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And I, because I live in Dubai, I see this a lot. They'll meet a CEO, he's an entrepreneur and he pays all the bills and he's fantastic. He really is fantastic at that. But either she's not attracted to him or he's too busy to give her any adoration. At some stage, you'll crave it. If we could just do one and just live a relationship on one, I would tell women to just focus on one.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Some men are better at doing one. They're just physically attracted and they're kind of happy with that. But it's an empty lie. But I think for women, we really crave all three of them. Outside of that, honestly, it doesn't matter. If he buys you flowers every day, if he writes you poems, if he makes TikToks with you or not, they really don't matter.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Just have those three, you'll be fine, God willing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's the three L's, I call it, for men. The first one is they do need some lust. I know it sounds really shallow, but if they're not sexually attracted to you, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter what the relationship is like, especially in this day and age where they're saturated with porn, they will shift their attention elsewhere. So there has to be some level of lust.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And what I mean by lust is they're attracted to you, but there's sexual connection between them. There's synergy in that area. The second thing, and I think men don't realize this, is that they need some labor invested in their partner. And what I mean by that is emotional and financial labor invested in their partner. Some men will think, oh, she's successful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
She doesn't need any financial investment, or she doesn't need any emotional. She's strong. They just need it. The moment they invest in a woman, they're more likely to see that relationship go through. If he's not taking her anywhere, not doing anything for her, if the relationship ends, he's not bothered.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Basically, if he's invested in her, he's taken her places, he's bought a few things, he's invested emotionally and financially to her, he's more likely to want to see that relationship work out. And the final thing is the loyalty. If they don't become loyal and there's no loyalty in that relationship and they've got their options open, they're not truly in love.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They need those three things in order for them to truly be in love. They need to firstly lust, have some lust, put some labor into that relationship. And then they need to be loyal. If they say that I'm in love with you, but I'm not loyal, truly they're missing something.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
We don't care about them. They'll be fine.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Can I ask you though, because I might be wrong, for a man's perspective, is that correct or not really? Is there something that you would say that you need a little bit more or less of?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Because what I'm trying to say is that, because sometimes I meet men and they meet a wonderful woman. They've put a lot of energy, invested a lot into her. They're very loyal to each other, but because there's no attraction left, they turn to pornography too much. And that is a very slippery slope.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And that's why a little bit, they need some lust in there first and foremost before those other properties can be valued in a woman.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, unfortunately. It's a big factor. And I know we like to think that people cheat simply because they're narcissists and simply because they're like that. There are some men that come that way. There are some men that genuinely, no matter who they're with, no matter what the relationship is, They're too broken to be faithful. They feel uncomfortable being faithful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so unbelievably honored to be sat opposite you. And I know I've been gushing since I've arrived, but I can't express how grateful I am.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're going to cheat on everyone. But a lot of the time, they are deprived of intimacy. Either because they just didn't choose a woman that was attracted to them to begin with, or they ruin the intimacy by inviting too much pornography or alternatives into the relationship. And now they've got no intimacy left with their partner.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But when they do lose the intimacy, they lose the motivation to be loyal. They think they're more likely to be loyal to a woman that gives them good intimacy than a woman that gives them a good life because they think why their motivation to be loyal decreases as their sexual intimacy dies in their relationship. So they're more likely to be open to it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So I always tell people, try and guard your marriage by embedding the intimacy in it as regularly as you can.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And I think sometimes as women, we can remove the labor part, hoping that he will think that we're so low maintenance. He won't put any investment in us. We'll be so easy. We become the hookup girl. So what I mean by that is if we remove his ability to put labor into us, we don't say to him, like, let's go on dates. We don't say like, look, when are we getting married? There's no emotion.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
We don't burden him with any problems. And we think, no, no, let's just be cool. We think that being cool, eventually he'll lead to us commitment and he'll become loyal to us. Actually, he has to put the labor in, in order for us to see, see as something worth being loyal to. So if we deprive them of that, we actually are enhancing the chances of us just being a hookup short-term fling.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Avoid being the fling. It's making it so easy for them. And I know it's so tempting because sometimes you're thinking he's such a lovely guy, really attracted to him. And if I insist on a few dates or if I insist on like maybe going away together, maybe I'll lose him. But you'll only lose people who are not willing to invest in you anyway. So unfortunately, being too easy, it can work.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I'm not saying it never works. But at the same time, it doesn't motivate them in any way, shape or form to actually make this serious because they've got it so easy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I would say the key difference is the element of stability and responsibility. And what I mean by that is being with a man who is super social, who is a big drinker and has got all these friends and busy all day every day and got this amazing life is great for dates. You get to go on great vacations with him. You get to go to nice restaurants and so on and so forth.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But when it comes to getting married, if you don't look for a man with a lot of self-control, you will really suffer. And what I mean by this is that he needs to have self-control in terms of his sexual discipline. He needs self-control in terms of what he puts into his body, even the food he eats, everything. And he needs self-control when it comes to his money.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If in those areas he's got no self-control, for dating, no problem. It doesn't matter. Yeah, he can be sexually wild. He can spend all his money. No problem. You can enjoy a great life. When you marry a man like that, every day is anxiety. Every single day is anxiety because his lack of self-control will lead to a lack of self-respect.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And as a result, he'll have such low self-esteem that you can't trust him to make decisions. But men with lots of self-control, you can trust that they make great decisions. You can trust their judgment. And you can finally start a family or start your goals. But you can't do that with men who have got no self-control.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
No, they don't. It's so hard.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
What was your biggest lesson of ever living with monks?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Can you excel as a man without self-control, do you think?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's an impossibility, isn't it? Yeah. No, that's why I love what you're saying.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
We're told, men are being told that be with as many women as you can. Have zero sexual discipline. And, you know, you can kind of eat whatever and there's always a Zen pick. So don't worry about it. We're actually being told to reduce our self-control and replace it with hedonism. Follow your impulses. You only live once. Just do it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
That kind of mentality when it comes to drinking, when it comes to food, when it comes to money, just spend, spend, spend all these things. Unfortunately, we're pushing men into a slow and steady depression because we're reducing the importance of self-control and replacing it with self-indulgence. And that is a slow suicide for a man.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
He will only start to respect himself when he can control himself. And only when he can control himself, he can then excel. And if you pick a man who can't control himself, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to control him and it will bring out the worst side of you. You'll become a mother to a child you'd never wanted to adopt.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It will attract a chaotic person. There are women, lots of women that will like that. There are lots and lots of women that will like that you're a big spender, you're spending on bottles, you're going drinking all night and you're the life and soul of the party, but it will attract women who want a fast lifetime and probably don't want to invest in you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
first thing that they would overcome is their fear of conflict. One of the things that keeps people stuck in relationships is that they have a fear of conflict because it boils down to they have a fear of walking away.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're probably not going to be there when you're suffering and you're on a downward spiral. My reason I'm so strict on men when it comes to self-discipline and sexual discipline in particular is we live in a time where men don't really get a say in when a baby is born. It's not really up to them if that child stays or not. Women have the right.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I don't know what it's like in America, but usually we get to control if we want to keep the baby or don't want to keep the baby.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
and as a result we get some autonomy if we if it's the wrong man perfect we don't have to suffer the consequences but with men if you get the wrong person and you don't have a good relationship and then you bring children into that mix you create a generation of broken children and you are more responsible for that yeah because you have to be more careful than women do because we still have autonomy we can get rid of a child if we need to you can't really have that much say in it so you have to be so disciplined with who you are laying down with and
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And if you're ruined, I know men who've ruined their families just because they couldn't control themselves sexually or just because they couldn't have that right conversation with their wife and say, look, I'm missing the intimacy. Maybe we should just part. Instead, they just light a flame into their own home and then suffer the consequences.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So sexual discipline is a really, really important one for men, followed by financial discipline. And then, of course, in terms of your food and your health and stuff like that, I think is really important.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I think it's really difficult for women because a lot of women do want to preserve themselves. They don't want to jump into sleeping with men so early. But what they're finding in this day and age is if they don't lead with that, the men don't even want to know them anymore. Men have no longer wanted to invest in getting to know them psychologically or anything like that. So
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're almost stuck between, am I just going to stay lonely forever or do I end up just sleeping with men who I'm not even that keen on, but I have to stay in the game. So they are really stuck. But what I would say is try not to accelerate your physical intimacy above the psychological intimacy.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And if people understood that the quality of your relationships will vastly improve the moment you exercise the ability to walk away when you're being heartbroken, when you're being disrespected, and when you're being dehumanized, it actually brings out the best in your partner when they know that you have that strength.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
You can sleep with them that same day, but if you've really had strong psychological intimacy, you know where you two are going, you are in a good place with each other, do whatever you want. But if you don't have that, all the sex will do is enhance your own insecurities, enhance your own anxieties about the relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And then it will leave you dampened into the dating market when you go back into it and negativity with the new man and the new man. So it just lowers your own self-esteem. So try and accelerate the psychological intimacy first.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Chemistry. Yeah. It's difficult. Chemistry is how much you're enjoying the person's company. You can have great chemistry with everybody. Psychological intimacy is how much you're similar in your goals and values. So how similar, I can enjoy the company of somebody really easily. No, it's not a problem, but you might realize that they're still, you know, they're still partying a lot.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Maybe they're still on drugs. Maybe they're doing that. But psychological intimacy is, do we have the same vision of where we see ourselves in five, six, 10 years time? And are we both aligned in the values that will take us there? And if we've got an alignment, you're probably quite intimate.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If you haven't got an alignment, you can enjoy them, but chances are it won't be a long lasting relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
When you remove that strength from your relationships, what ends up happening is that you attract people who will use and abuse you and treat you terribly because they see that your kindness is going to be your downfall.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And a lot of people do that. Sometimes they've got with somebody, they're so physically intimate and then they're discovering things that they have nothing in common with each other. But because they've now slept together, they're kind of prolonging this relationship longer than it needs to. It's almost like dragging a dead horse.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So if they can accelerate, and I know it's difficult because it's hard competing with men that push for it. We're living in a world where men will ask for pictures straight away and stuff like that. So it's hard for the woman that is And I always say this, it's really difficult for the woman with good intentions to find a man in this day and age.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The woman that's not prepared to lead sexually and lead with that, she finds herself being overlooked by the women that are. And so, and a bit like some men, then maybe they don't want to lead with finances, but they find themselves being overlooked. So the people who are actually going into relationships with the correct intentions are finding it the most difficult.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So I think if you really apply my teachings, the only thing that will happen is that you will have the self-esteem to simply attract people who are good for you and develop a disdain towards people who treat you badly. And because of that, you can select better and you can maintain your relationships in a healthier way.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's so hard for them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
You shouldn't, but I can see why people do. I don't want to be judgmental because I can completely understand. I don't know what it's like to be single in this day and age. And I can imagine at some point, you're just like, if I keep having these high standards, I'm never going to meet somebody. What I would say is keep your intrinsic standards high and your extrinsic ones low.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And what I mean by that is, Keep your standards of how you like to be treated emotionally really high. Do you like to expect? Do you like labels? Do you like regular dates? Keep that high or regular time together. Doesn't even have to be days. Keep that high, but keep your extrinsic values. Like, does he take me on holidays? Is he going to buy me this? Has he sent me flowers? Keep those low.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're not relevant in the long run.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I I do say that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, I know that sounds terrible. And I say this particularly with men especially. I'm like, it's always your own fault. And the reason I say that is most cheaters come with smoking guns on the first date. There's always some signal that their behavior was not transparent. And whenever you catch them cheating, usually they say, I always knew because from day one they were like this.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And I always say people usually don't lie. They might say lies, but they show you their red flags pretty much from day one. And it might have been that they were in a relationship when you met them, or it might have been that you caught them in a few lies when you first got with them. You would have caught some signs that this person is capable of deeper lies.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And when we, I'm not saying you should always look for the bad, but when we keep ignoring poor behavior, what ends up happening is we are becoming distant from the truth. We are going into denial. I actually don't have a problem. Even if your partner is cheating, no problem. You have to have radical, radical relationship with the truth. And there are some women out there that are mistresses.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're so happy in that role because they know the truth. They know that he goes there, spends time with his wife. I'll see him when I see him. Truth is really important. So the more you align yourself with truth, the more you won't actually get blindsided. But when you start missing red flags again and again, you haven't been intimate in months. Somebody's not coming home on time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Nothing's adding up. And you keep making excuses. Unfortunately, we create the environment for these types of people to flourish. It's almost better that you protect your own home and protect your own sanity. It doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that your treatment is not what you appreciate. And if they continue like that, they don't have to cheat.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The behavior is enough for you to start setting a boundary. And the behavior is, you don't need, because some cheaters will say, well, you can't prove anything. Cheaters will always want you to catch them red-handed. You as the person should say, I don't need red-handed evidence. I can see your behavior is not treating me rightly.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Stop them there before they get to the point where they're disrespecting you more and more.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, that's where the gaslighting is.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They do get gaslighted really heavily. And this is, even as a psychologist, and you know, when I'm as a therapist, and this is where I have to be a lot more empathetic because I've had clients there that were like, she keeps accusing me. And they're so like convincing. that I'm like, you need to stop accusing him.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And then she'll say to me afterwards, I found out he was having an affair the whole time. So the gaslighting is very, very real, but the feeling they give you is always true. So they'll lie to you. Their words, their lips will be there, but your feeling, that gut instinct that something's not right, or they're lying to you, try and pay attention to that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And even if you never get evidence, that feeling is partly your partner's responsibility to help soothe those anxieties, not make them worse. So if you have that feeling and they're just like, Maybe like whatever you need, like to make you feel better. No problem. I've got nothing to hide. But if they get less and less transparent, try and pay attention to that.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
That's what I'm saying. I'm saying know your partner better than they know themselves. So the moment they start changing, you spot it quicker than they can. And I'm sure you have this with Radhi where you probably know her so, so well. It would be difficult for her to have a double life without you. You know her behaviors, the way she moves, how she talks, how she kisses you, everything changes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
You pay close attention. When you pay so much attention to your partner, it's quite difficult for them to live a whole double life without you catching on. So try and stay attuned as much as you can.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, that's the problem. One thing I say is that some men are committed to their marriage. And what that means is they're committed to that woman. As she changes, as they change, they commit to each other. They're loyal to the person that they married and they will stay loyal forever. Some men are just loyal to the woman they fell in love with.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
it's not what we attract, it's what we entertain. Most people can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough, we can pretty much attract everybody.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
As long as she stays exactly like the person they met, they'll stay loyal. When she starts to change, they'll get more and more disloyal because they don't accept change. you just have to decide what type of person are you. Are you deciding to commit to the marriage?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And actually what that means is following them through their evolution, getting to know them at every stage and staying loyal throughout it. But if you're somebody who's just committing to the person you fell in love with, the moment that person starts to change, which they inevitably will, your eyes will start to wander. So it might be good to have that conversation with each other.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Which one are we? And can we try and shift to being loyal to the marriage rather than just each other so that we can help each other evolve and remain consistent while we do change?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected. That's all it really takes. When men know that you will always be there for them, you're their ride or die. You accept any kind of disrespect. They've been abusive. You accept it. They've been coming home late. You accept it. They are talking to other people. You accept it. And you always make excuses for them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I know you love him and I know your love is unconditional, but respect shouldn't be unconditional. You Yeah, you shouldn't be treated disrespectfully regardless of that behavior. And when, and I know human behavior, we should appreciate the person that is loyal to us. We should appreciate the person who loves us regardless. We just don't. Unfortunately, we just don't.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But when we have low self-esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed to pay hard to get, or it's normal that he doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really ask me how my day is. It's normal that he only texts me at 12 a.m. on a Friday night.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So when they see that your love is totally unconditional, they will start abusing that love that you have for them. But when they learn that you love them, you're very loyal to them, you care about them, but that doesn't give them a license to abuse you or hurt you, then they are more likely to stay in line.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So I think the thing that prevents them from truly cheating is knowing that you have a willingness to walk away and you don't tolerate this level of disrespect. They start to show you a bit more respect. And I've noticed so many men who have cheated on their wives. And they felt no guilt, zero guilt. The moment she filed for divorce, they were besides themselves.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So for the year that they were cheating, they were having the time of their life. The day she filed for divorce, they're besides themselves crying hysterically because at some point, unconscious level, they thought she would never actually do that. The day she did that is when the realization all sunk in.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So when the person knows that you're not too afraid to take that route, they're more likely to be respectful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah. It's only used when you actually, God forbid, need it. But I always just say that one of my vows that I recommend to my clients, I know it sounds negative, is we can sit there and say, I'm going to love you forever. I'm going to be loyal forever.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Probably the more realistic vow to say to each other, not even just marriages as a couple, is if and when my feelings start to change, I will communicate it with you. And that way we can work on the relationship. Where people go wrong is as and when their feelings change, they avoid communication and they outsource their happiness from somewhere else.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Or they numb their pain through a coping mechanism. The better vow to take is if and when my feelings ever change, instead of hurting you and disrespect you, I will come straight to you and we can try and fix it. And if we can't fix it, we will separate on respectful terms. But doing things that cause permanent damage is just not acceptable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
more of a cry for help. And we've all done it. We've all done it. But it's a seriousness of like, if you go to, I'm not saying have that divorce word ever, but have deal breakers. What I mean by deal breakers is just one or two things that if this happened in my relationship, there's just no negotiation. It might be hitting, it might be cheating. There's a deal breaker.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they start to accept what's actually not going to lead to a healthy relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If we sense that our partner has no deal breakers, they're more likely to attract narcissistic partners. They're more likely to attract abusers. They're more likely to attract takers. But if you come with a clear deal breakers, people can sense that confidence in you. And usually you don't attract people who are going to do your deal breakers anyway.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I think it depends on the reason. I still think it's difficult. The reason I say it's difficult is that it becomes a point of contention pretty much permanently. I would say you can only forgive a person if the cause of the cheating is somewhat understandable. So I've famously said, like, look, if a woman cheats on a man, you can never forgive her.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
She's going to cheat on you forever, and she's just using you for free accommodation. And I do stand by that. Usually when a woman cheats on a man, there's usually very little recovery. But then I would have clients and the woman would say to me, he deprived me of sex for six years, four years he wasn't sleeping with you. I didn't know what to do.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The moment they figure out not what they're attracting, but what they're entertaining, they can take their power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men, but the ones I keep forming an attachment to are the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the ones that leave me worrying what this is and where this is going.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I was so lost, I didn't know, and my culture, we don't get divorced, I didn't know what to do. In those circumstances, it's like, did they really cheat or did you push them to that point? Are they actually an inherent cheat or did the circumstances of that relationship bring out the worst in them?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I think if they're an inherent cheat and they do it from day one, they did it even while you're good to them, even while you're consistent and caring, all of these things, I don't think there's any point in recovering that relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But if it was something that happened in the relationship that brought out the worst in them and you can repair what happened in that relationship, then perhaps you can give it a chance. Particularly if you've deprived each other of intimacy. Because that's usually the main cause.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If you've deprived each other of intimacy, it's almost a bit unfair to expect your partner to be loyal for five, six, seven years if you've never given them any intimacy and they're still a human, they've got needs. So I can understand in those circumstances that they might do things that are out of character.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Well, you might've been good to me, but the needs weren't met. Yeah. So you might be, and I know couples I've never fought, no fights or nothing, but they just didn't have any intimacy for years. Or there might've been a couple that actually don't fight, no issues in that time, but there might be some emotional needs that they just weren't kissing or hugging or saying nice things to each other.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So it's the needs rather than just the surface of the relationship that matters more.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I find that men that get cheated on once tend to get cheated on in every relationship. And I know that sounds terrible, but there's something about them getting cheated on in one relationship. They tend to get it a lot. And the reason why is because firstly, there's something broken in their selection. They're selecting women that need a lot of repair.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
and have a lot of trauma and have a lot of issues. So they're selecting women who aren't truly attracted to them, but they're super attracted to that partner and they're trying to be useful to get that woman's attachment. The second thing is when they do meet a woman that has a few red flags, they are so, so passive with those red flags. They don't have the ability to set boundaries.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They don't know when to say no. They feel like they're being toxic if they have any kind of needs or wants. So they just become too placid. And in those cases, what ends up happening is they attract women with a lot of red flags because they don't have the strength to stand up for women that do. So what ends up happening is they tend to be in a cycle of attracting that, unfortunately. So
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Instead of being attracted to that, I start to learn that that is a signal that they've got commitment issues and all it's going to do is delay my time. delay my ability to get married, delay my ability to have a family and so on and so forth. So we can attract all types of men, but we only entertain the ones that will enable you to start a family and a relationship or whatever your goal is.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're usually selecting women with a lot of trauma and a lot of issues and a lot of unhealed behavior. And then when they see that unhealed behavior, they don't know how to set that boundary. And they usually forgive cheating. I think one thing that is underspoken about is men forgive female cheating far more than we realize.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I would say majority of men forgive it, but they just don't talk about it. The problem is the more you forgive it, there's something about women that too lose a bit of respect when a man is super forgiving. I know that sounds terrible. It's not that we want someone toxic, but we want somebody that has some boundaries. And when we learn that he has zero, she might at first be really grateful.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
At first, she might thank you for forgiving me or whatever it is. But later on, what he hasn't understood is for her to actually cheat on you, something's missing in those three A's. They haven't been addressed. Either the attraction, admiration, or the adoration, something's been missing. And usually when you forgive too many misdemeanors, the admiration for the man starts to go down.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
and therefore there's an inevitable end. I could be wrong. But in my experience, I've always seen that men that forgive cheating, they end up getting cheated again by the woman that they forgave. And in the future, they tend to find it again and again.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's slightly different. It's like the chances of him cheating again do go up. But usually I do find if the intimacy is consistent, they tend to be relatively faithful. As the intimacy drops, the chances of infidelity increases. And when women realize that, okay, maybe we didn't have so much intimacy, she's not as angry.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's only when she realized she did do her job and he still did it, then she gets furious. And then she finds it really difficult to forgive. So it depends more on the intimacy than the actual respect when men cheat.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Well, first of all, unfortunately, there's a lot of men that are raised in homes with divorce nowadays. So what happens is they see a divorce in their family. And whenever you're raised with a divorce, you either really, really cherish commitment and just never want to get a divorce and want to stay with one person forever.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But the more common response, particularly for men, is to avoid intimacy and emotional intimacy as much as possible. You just don't want to get too vulnerable. So we're dealing with a market of men that have witnessed divorce and a little bit anxious of getting committing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If you are a man that has commitment issues, if you're trying to work out, because a lot of men think that, oh, it's not commitment issues. I don't have commitment issues. It's just that she's like this or she's too needy or they try and blame the woman. If it was truly something wrong with the woman, then why are you with her? I always ask them, why are you with her?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Why don't you just leave her and let her find somebody who's going to commit? So then they realize actually there's nothing wrong with her. There must be something in them. If you suffer from commitment issues, the best thing to do is make a, as a man, try and be a bit logical, make a risk assessment. What are the worst things that can happen if I commit to this woman? How bad can it be?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If it's like, oh, she's really toxic. She's really abusive. She's going to cheat on me. Fine. No problem. Then maybe just exit. But if you find that the risks are quite low and the behaviors are quite good, then you don't lose anything from committing. nothing is going to actually happen. Whatever your fear is, it's irrational. So try and work out the risks of that relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They enable that. And if they don't enable that, try and lose attraction for them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If there's not too many risks, try and just commit because only through commitment, you'll realize if you're compatible. Without commitment, you can't actually get to compatibility. And the reason being is because when we're not committed, we dilute the attachment. We're kind of talking to this person here, we're going there, we're not truly committed.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The moment you commit, you realize if you're right or wrong for each other, and then it speeds up your own time. You're not wasting your own time with the wrong person. So commitment is actually very useful for both parties to realize where it's going.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I would say, look, in my experience of women who have had to push their partner into ultimatums, into getting commitment, the man you end up being married to is not a man you'll actually be happy with. The men that are pushed into commitment tend to resent their partners for making them a married man. They get angry at small signs of intimacy. They get annoyed that they have to be loving to you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They get annoyed that they have to check in with you every day and tell you what time they're coming home and what time dinner's going to be ready. They resent the patterns of being married. So the more you're pushing this man that doesn't want commitment into commitment, you're only going to access a relationship that won't really make you happy anyway.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So when you're forcing them and putting the ultimatums, it's better to ask yourself, is this man who he truly is right now, somebody I can actually be married to? If the answer is, yo, he's got potential, maybe if he committed, then try not to. But if it's like, yes, he is, then he would naturally like commitment. So ask yourself, is it truly someone worth pushing into a commitment?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Because usually they turn into a very negative person when you push them into commitment anyway.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I'm not a fan. Why don't you like them?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, and he'll make you miserable.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
That's one day.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Firstly, if we have low self-esteem, we kind of see as that this is supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated like this, if that's your low self-esteem. But the other thing is unavailable men, sometimes they demonstrate the idea of having options and alternatives.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah. And are you sure you love them? Because if you have to force them to become a person, they're not in order to please you. Are you sure you love the real them? Because every time I meet a woman who's suffering in a marriage, I ask them, did he want to get married? Because usually a lot of these women are not asking for a lot.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They'll say, I just asked him to spend some time with me after work. Or I just asked that maybe we can get a kiss when he walks in. And he makes it out like it's such a big deal. He's like, leave me alone. He gets so aggressive about it. And then I ask him, did you push him to get married? And she's like, yeah, well, I sold him. I'm turning 34 this year. If you don't marry me, I'm gone.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And, you know, he got nervous and did it. But unfortunately, those ultimatums just bring out the resentment in the man or the woman or the other way around. It brings out their resentment and they're mean to you. And are you sure you want to marry somebody who's going to be mean?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And they don't want it.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And they're truly uncomfortable. Just simple things. I'll have clients say, it's just a simple thing of just going to bed at the same time. He doesn't want to do it. He'll want to be like, I don't want to go at the time I want to go. So the acts of marriage, do the behaviors of marriage feel uncomfortable to that man?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If they do, then you're going to create a husband that you actually aren't happy with. And you're going to suffer.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yes, you can save a bad relationship, but it's difficult if both people don't want to. The only way you can save a bad relationship is if both people truly want to and they're just misunderstanding each other. The relationships that are difficult to save is when one of the person is far more attached than the other.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Their mystery makes them seem more desirable. And because of that mystery, we assume that they've got something interesting going on. They've got alternatives. There's something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive. When we really realize that it's actually, they're just emotionally immature.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
When one person is really wanting the relationship to work and the other person is simply not attracted, not invested, and not committed. Then what ends up happening is the only way it can be saved is the beggar in the relationship demands less and less and less. And that's usually the dynamic when one person wants it more than the other. You get a beggar in the relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And just like beggars on the street, when they ask for a bit, you'll give them a bit. But when they ask for a lot, you're like, go away, you're a beggar. Like I'll give you bare minimum. That's how couples start to treat the person who begs to be with them. So when you enter that dynamic, it's very difficult to fix.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But when you enter a dynamic where we don't know why we keep butting heads, we love each other, I don't know why it's not working, then it's probably just something wrong in understanding each other's core needs and it's very easy to fix those people.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, it's not so bad. But then I do find what relationships happen in relationships. There's relationships that have pains, which are ups and downs, maybe the miscarriage, maybe things go wrong, busy with work. And there's relationships that are suffering, which is simply consequences of poor decisions when you've chosen the wrong person. Pains will happen in every marriage.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Every marriage will have ups and downs, financial issues, babies will come, babies will go, God forbid.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
parents get sick those are pains in marriages these are to be expected and it can cause rough periods suffering is when even without those there are emotional consequences of just choosing the wrong partner and daily daily things small things become big fights you just want to hold hands they get angry at that you just want to spend more time they get angry at that your life starts to feel like suffering and when it's more suffering than it is pain then it's a bit harder to fix those marriages
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're not this special guy that's got a million things going and his work is taking over and he's so, so busy. Actually, he's just emotionally mature. He doesn't know how to commit. He doesn't know how to ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at the time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
No, but then that's fine. That's actually not so end of the world, as long as it's not so toxic. If you've got to a stage where it's kind of okay, it's not so bad, I think in this day and age that's a win. I know it sounds terrible and it sounds like, oh, you're just floating by, but I think as long as you're avoiding suffering and you're not toxic,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If after 10 years you're kind of attracted, kind of admires some adoration, but it's not unstable, I actually think that's a win. I know that sounds terrible, but I just think that's not bad. I wouldn't be terrified if I had that. It's only when you never had those to begin with and then they just get exaggerated, exaggerated, exaggerated, it usually turns into suffering.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I think if you don't have it so bad and you don't have any of the deal breakers, I think what happens is people focus so much on like having the highs in a relationship. I just think as long as you don't have deep lows, even if it's not like poems and you don't have these holidays and you don't have these great experiences, but you don't have any of those toxic lows.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
having that sense of peace is actually okay. I actually think that's a win. I think it's toxic to assume that you should always be having those highs. I think actually just seek that peace. And as long as they don't have deal breakers, the relationship will be, maybe it won't be the most exciting, but as long as it's not got those deal breakers, you'll actually have relatively peaceful marriage.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity and desirability, we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, very much.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So both of them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's the goal. Yeah, the end goal is that peaceful state where it's not too high, not too low. The highs and lows come because of circumstances, but not because our day-to-day interactions are so overstimulating or understimulating. It doesn't come from day-to-day. It comes from experiences or events in our marriage.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The worst thing that you can say to somebody who's just gone through a breakup is that, well, you knew he was like that anyway, so what's the problem? I know, you know, sometimes we do know the person was already like that. We know. But right now, dwelling on that person is probably the least important part of the healing process.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
To get over a heartbreak, it's not so much that we have to forget the person that we're heartbroken about, but we just have to try and rediscover ourselves. And the best way to rediscover ourselves is not by focusing on the person, focusing on what he did wrong, how terrible he is.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's more just finding out what your patterns are, what your selection was, and then how you can improve your life so much so that the feelings for him become, they disappear. But dwelling on him and focusing on him and all his problems, I think that will just keep you invested in a relationship and make it harder for you to heal that heartbreak.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I think the only thing that helps is just remembering that everything you wanted with this person, whether that vision was getting married, whether it was to have kids, whether it was to go on holidays, that vision is still attainable for you. You can still access that entire vision you had with them with somebody new.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And if you feel like you really love that person, you probably just love certain traits that they had. Those traits that he has are available in other men that will actually still make your vision come true. And hopefully the new person will not have the traits that cause the relationship to break down. So remember, it's not about the person. This is where people get stuck in heartbreak.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They think that their life happiness and the relationship and their end goal in life is in the hands of that particular person in that relationship. That end goal is something that they can still attain and achieve by themselves.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If they just remember that they can still achieve it with somebody else, or they can achieve it by themselves, or they can achieve it through friends, that goal is more important than the person. And your vision is far more important than the relationship. So as long as you keep your vision in mind and remember that there's other people that can help you attain that vision,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
you will let go of that ego that's attached to that particular person that just broke your heart. And I know it sounds hard to do, but when you find out that somebody's hurt you and they've moved on and they've got a relationship, we can't be hurt and happy for somebody at the same time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If you want to remove your hurt for people, you almost have to try and be happy for them, even if they don't deserve it. You don't do it for them. You do it for your own sake so you can suppress that feeling of hurt and just be like, you know, He treated me terribly, but I would never want somebody else to go through that. So I hope he has a happy relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I hope he treats her way better than he treated me. And then hopefully you'll attract that positive energy back into your own life.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
We can get it through their actions, not their words. So if, for example, I really love this person and they just left me out of nowhere and they gave me no explanation, sometimes the closure is in their behavior. The fact that they could let me go and leave me hanging in that moment is all the closure I need. That maybe they didn't see me as important as I saw them. Maybe they found someone else.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And nobody's that, that busy. I know like men like to say, I'm busy at work or I've got this going on. I'm that stressed. Completely understandable. But one text to let that person know will...
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
whatever it is their closure comes in their behavior not just their words whatever they were going to say to you probably wasn't true anyway they're probably just trying to make you feel better or trying to hide what the real reasons is their words are not so important their actions are we can always find closure in people's actions
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And as hard as it is, it's usually our ego that seeks another conversation with them. If you really look at their behavior, your soul will know they're bad for you. So try and pay attention to your soul knows if someone's good or bad for you. Our ego will just want the last word. They just want them to come crawling back to us so we can say, we can reject them or we can have our last word.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But try and remember that that's just your ego speaking. Your soul knows that this person probably wasn't right for you. If they were right for you, you wouldn't be suffering today. So try and let go of that need for validation and that need for conversation and replace it with their behavior spoke volumes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, because your ego is what looks right and your soul is what actually is right. And we always want to look right. We want to be the one that says, I don't want to be with them or we want to be the one that broke up with them. But that's just a temporary high of being the one that had the final say or being the one that got to say this. These are temporary highs.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
enable them to just relax the whole day, but you can't have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send that quick text, then that person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship. And they're probably not worth your investment.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
The long-term high comes from not needing those conversations. It's almost like an emotional kind of neutrality towards that person. And the quicker you can get there, the quicker you actually heal. So the less you can pay attention to your ego, the closer you'll get to healing.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I think the ego, when it comes to your soul and ego, the key difference is ego is what makes you look good in front of people. Soul is actually what makes you feel right. So it might make you look better to him if you start posting pictures of you with another man or showing memes. It might make you get a stab at them. But do you actually feel any better when you do that?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
ego might make you say, look, go move on to another guy, go text your ex, go be with another person, make him jealous, but your soul will know it doesn't feel right. So the inner voice that you have, like, does this actually feel right?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And how you can assess this, you ask yourself, if I didn't meet this person, like say my ex, I just broke up with my husband and I was like, okay, if I didn't meet this person ever, would I be going on this date with this random guy? Or would I be actually sitting at home and watching TV with my friends?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If the answer is, I would still be going on a date with a guy, then chances are it's not your ego. You're probably just doing it because that's what you want to do. But if it's like, I'm only going to the club because I know he's going to be there now and I want to hurt him, or I'm only going to go text this other guy because I know it will hurt him.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If you're allowing that person to dictate your feelings and what you do, then it's probably your ego speaking to yourself. Act like that person doesn't exist and ask yourself, what do you want to do with yourself? And if the answer is, I just want to heal. I just want to cry. I just want to feel good. Like,
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I want a couple of days to myself, then do that rather than just trying to play that game and seeing who looks better and trying to win. Because there's no winner when you follow your ego.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Isn't it a paradox that the women that want commitment and the men that are committed, they're not finding each other. There's the men that are getting treated badly in relationships and the women that are getting treated badly and they seem to not seem to be attracting each other, unfortunately, which is a shame.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I think there's something about being too nice As a person, both women and men, they don't attract each other because they don't feel useful when we're with somebody else who's equally as nice as them. They almost feel better when they're with somebody a bit tougher and stronger so they can feel like the nice person in that relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If they simply met each other, it would be a great resolution to this problem that we're facing in modern dating at the moment. Yeah.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Just like with food, just like with everything in life. Unfortunately, we were attracted to things that are bad for you. But the moment you heal your self-esteem, what will happen is you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad for you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
People who don't love you, people who don't treat you right, how you know your self-esteem is improving is at the moment those people start treating you badly, you lose attraction to them. And the moment people treat you well, you increase your attraction to them. And that is a real signal.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I know sometimes you can get love bombed and the person is just so, so nice to you and then you're attracted to that. But it's that steady, healthy pace of people treating you nicely that you are attracted to, which will help heal your self-esteem.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Pick peace over pleasure. Always choose somebody who will give you more peace than pleasure if you want a long lasting relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
you are somebody's dream girl or don't settle for less. I think anything that inflates your vision of what a real relationship looks like is going to make it difficult for you to find the right person.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It should be unconditional. I don't believe that it should be true. You definitely need conditions for your love. Otherwise you will attract people who abuse your kindness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
That just being with somebody who just loves you so, so much is all you need. When really without you being attracted to that person, it will feel like neediness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
you treat people behind their back as you do in front of them so how you behave behind people's back is exactly how you are in front of their face and if you practice that in your relationships what happens is you don't need your partner to regulate you in any way shape or form you act like the same person with or without their monitoring and if you do that in life I think you'll probably have more authentic relationships.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
You have no idea how much you have honored me today. So thank you so, so much for your time. I cannot believe I get to speak to you. Thank you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Just to be careful on, are you actually not matching or are you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is because of social media and because of dating apps, we enter relationships with almost like a double standard or a sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
We're saying, well, if he's not the dream guy or if she's not the dream girl, if he's not a high value man and she's not a high value woman, we start to look at our matches with a level of distaste. When sometimes a better thing to do is look at the people who are matching with you and try and see, are they actually that bad? Is there something wrong with them?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access? I always just think the more you like the person you are, the higher your self-esteem, the more you like people who like you. The fact that the person that are matching you, automatically you start to like them more because they've matched you, because you like you and they like you as well.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
When you've got low self-esteem, you chase after people that you can't access. So my advice to people is always start with who likes you. Always start with that pool and then home in on that pool and see if you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But where people go wrong is they glorify the people that they're not matching with and wanting a love that they've never been able to access. And then comparing who they do get matched with, with these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards to those people who are actually invested in you.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high. And what I mean by that is I sometimes will meet men who are maybe in their 40s on their second divorce and saying, I don't want a woman with baggage. So I need somebody 25 years old. I don't want women with baggage.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Or sometimes I'll meet women who are not working and they say, I want a man that's an entrepreneur and got six figures. But I always just say, shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And if similar to you, it starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your standards are a bit inflated.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If what you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much. But if you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your self-worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit. So ask yourself, does similarity feel like settling?
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
If it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves to be able to access people that we're actually craving.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I know.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And it's harder, it's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from TikToks and advice from, you know, people that are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl, or this is a high value woman. So we think that if we get anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
When really, as long as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I would say try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world, people see each other as disposable and there's very minimal investment. So they don't always feel like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting, it's either they've met alternatives or they might have just been on the app to buy some time to heal from a heartbreak.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
They're not truly looking for a partner. They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind of recover from some kind of stress that they're going through. as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you, try not to take it too personal. But if you've been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances are they're hiding information.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
I would say that sometimes the best predictor of future relationships is their past relationships. And one thing I think people kind of forget is that their patterns don't truly lie. And if you meet a man or a woman even in their late 30s, early 40s, they've never been a committed relationship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
And you think everything's going well, and for some reason they ghost you or they're no longer in a committed relationship. Sometimes that's just their patterns. Maybe they struggle with commitment. Or if you find that these people in previous relationships were always unfaithful or in previous relationships it never really went past three months, chances are people are their patterns.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So just try and pay. It doesn't mean you judge them completely, but pay attention to if they do fall off and they don't want to commit, it might not be personal. It might just be their pattern in previous relationships where they're just not used to settling down. They don't know how to. They don't have the skills and tools to. So they will find it difficult.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Other people, because they've always been in four or five year long relationships, they only have the habits for long lasting relationships. So even when you've just started dating, they'll kind of treat you like a girlfriend and it can accelerate into a relationship a bit faster. So their previous patterns is something to pay attention to.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Because they're just in those habits. Yeah, they're not actually compatible. They're just in those habits, particularly if they've just come out of a relationship. They might just be in the habit of calling everywhere every day, arranging to see you on the weekends, doing all of those things, which feels great.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
But if they're not actually healed, it will turn into love bombing because they're accelerating the residual feelings from their previous relationship onto you. And it kind of accelerates the relationship faster than what the psychological compatibility is. So you might find yourself catapulted into a relationship by somebody who's just in that habit of doing that. And that can also be a problem.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
For men, they do suffer from a lot of infidelity. The women are cheating on the men a lot more than I ever expected. Really? That's blowing my mind right now. My number one client is a man who's just been cheated on by a woman. And because there's not much talk about this on social media, and there's not much talk about this in general, we're almost programmed to think men cheat.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
Yeah, it's rare that you find the idea of women cheating. And men don't actually talk to each other when they've been cheated on. They kind of keep it to themselves because they're almost embarrassed or ashamed. Whereas women, we can confide in each other a bit more. So my number one client tends to be the man that's been cheated on or the woman that can't get the man to commit.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
That tends to be the two fields I kind of have seem to attract in terms of clients. But men getting cheated on or men not being masculine enough tends to be the common theme of my clients that keep coming back and forth.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
It's actually the opposite. Because look, we're living in a time, particularly in a city like LA, where men are almost divided into being too nice and not masculine enough or toxic masculinity. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. And men who have black masculinity, they have these three traits in common that I noticed. Firstly, they grew up without a male role model.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
So what may have happened is they grew up in a single parent home. And they saw their mom making all the decisions, doing all the hard work, doing the emotional and physical labor. And they think that's what women want. They think that's okay. So when they go into relationships, they think that woman wants to make all the decisions. She wants to do everything around the house.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)
She wants to be in control. And really, they're looking for a man. whose decision making they trust enough for them to finally be able to relax. But instead, they think that that's what women want. So when they get into relationships, they're not decisive, they're not problem solving, they allow her to take complete lead, and they almost follow her too much. And at first, that might be fine.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
I would say one of the problems with the racial dysregulation is we as human beings tend to select the person who enables the dysregulation rather than the person we want to be with the most.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Because they tolerate our insufferable behavior a bit more. So sometimes as a woman who's suffered from lots of emotional dysregulation in the past, I would find myself just seeing somebody's tolerance of my insufferable behavior as a symbol of love. So sometimes people who can't regulate their emotions will look for the punching bag in their life.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
They'll look for the person that they can be dysregulated for and that person remains committed and they see that as a signal of love and they connect with the person who actually has weak boundaries. So a combination of emotional dysregulation and selecting somebody who is tolerable.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Yeah, it leads to that dysregulation not being resolved. I think the key question is that with emotional dysregulation, we know if we do that at work, we'll get fired. And we know that if we do that in public, we'll get arrested if we do that in public.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
But when we pick a partner and we make sure that that partner doesn't actually have a willingness to walk away or that partner just allows it the most, we might just exude all of our dysregulation on that one party. So it's really important when you suffer from emotional dysregulation to select a partner that still, just because they can tolerate it doesn't mean they should.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And they should still, and you, on the receiving end, still have a threshold of how much you can and can't accept. And only when a partner or a person who's emotionally dysregulated meets somebody that they genuinely love and respect, but also has a very clear threshold of how much they can handle, does a dysregulated partner start to monitor their own reactions.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
but if they feel like they can get away with it, sometimes they will. So I think this regulation can lead to selection of enablers rather than selections of compatibility.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
I used to be a big banner for that because I was a nightmare myself. So I was like, oh, I love this statement. But I think if you can't respect somebody at your worst, you don't deserve them at your best.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And so while you're at your worst, if you totally disrespect that person and totally crush their boundaries, you don't deserve them when they're at their best or you don't deserve them when you're at your best. So instead of expecting somebody to tolerate your behavior, remember you also have a duty of care to them.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And you should also say, at my worst, I don't want to put them through so much suffering. At my worst, I want to express myself. I understand I'm not going to be perfect, but does it mean I treat them as an emotional punching bag?
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And then you'll get a party on your birthday. It doesn't really work that way. So it's almost like a form of manipulation. And I'm saying in the worst case scenario because I've been that person that had that kind of mantra. But it's actually how we treat our loved ones at our worst is a symbol of how much we respect them.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And we need to try and be mindful of that because some people just can't tolerate you at your worst. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just that they're not equipped for that level of emotional dysregulation.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Ask yourself, would you tolerate you at your worst? If at your worst you get abusive? Right now, yeah. Yeah, right now I would. I mean, I'm good right now, but yeah. I would tolerate me. In my past, maybe not. In my past, I wouldn't. But right now, it's fine.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
But in the past, if your worst looks like emotional abuse, if it looks like infidelity, if it looks like physical abuse, would you tolerate you at your worst? And if you would, perfect. You're probably in a healthy space. If you wouldn't, what would you suggest to somebody who's going to have to... What would you say to yourself if you had to experience that?
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
And if you would say to yourself, oh, just leave, don't tolerate that, then don't expect your partner to tolerate that.
The School of Greatness
3 Steps To Building A Healthy Relationship
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I would say one of the problems with emotional dysregulation is we as human beings tend to select the person who enables the dysregulation rather than the person we want to be with the most.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Because they tolerate our insufferable behavior a bit more. So sometimes as a woman who's suffered from lots of emotional dysregulation in the past, I would find myself just seeing somebody's tolerance of my insufferable behavior as a symbol of love. So sometimes people who can't regulate their emotions will look for the punching bag in their life.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They'll look for the person that they can be dysregulated for. And that person remains committed. And they see that as a signal of love. And they connect with the person who actually has weak boundaries. So a combination of emotional dysregulation and selecting somebody who is tolerable.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Yeah, it leads to that dysregulation not being resolved. I think the key question is that with emotional dysregulation, we know if we do that at work, we'll get fired. And we know that if we do that in public, we'll get arrested if we do that in public.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But when we pick a partner and we make sure that that partner doesn't actually have a willingness to walk away or that partner just allows it the most, we might just exude all of our dysregulation on that one party. So it's really important when you suffer from emotional dysregulation to select a partner that still, just because they can tolerate it doesn't mean they should.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And they should still, and you, on the receiving end, still have a threshold of how much you can and can't accept. And only when a partner or a person who's emotionally dysregulated meets somebody that they genuinely love and respect, but also has a very clear threshold of how much they can handle, does a dysregulated partner start to monitor their own reactions.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if they feel like they can get away with it, sometimes they will. So I think dysregulation can lead to selection of enablers rather than selections of compatibility.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
I used to be a big banner for that because I was a nightmare myself. So I was like, oh, I love this statement. But I think if you can't respect somebody at your worst, you don't deserve them at your best.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And so while you're at your worst, if you totally disrespect that person and totally crush their boundaries, you don't deserve them when they're at their best, or you don't deserve them when you're at your best. So instead of expecting somebody to tolerate your behavior, remember you also have a duty of care to them.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And you should also say, at my worst, I don't want to put them through so much suffering. At my worst, I want to express myself. I understand I'm not going to be perfect, but does it mean I treat them as an emotional punching bag?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And then you'll get a party on your birthday. It doesn't really work that way. So it's almost like a form of manipulation. And I'm saying in the worst case scenario because I've been that person that had that kind of mantra. But it's actually how we treat our loved ones at our worst is a symbol of how much we respect them.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
And we need to try and be mindful of that because some people just can't tolerate you at your worst. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just that they're not equipped for that level of emotional dysregulation.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
Ask yourself, would you tolerate you at your worst? If at your worst you get abusive?
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
In my past, I wouldn't. But right now, it's fine. But in the past, if your worst looks like emotional abuse, if it looks like infidelity, if it looks like physical abuse, would you tolerate you at your worst? And if you would, perfect. You're probably in a healthy space.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
If you wouldn't, what would you suggest to somebody who's going to have to... What would you say to yourself if you had to experience that? And if you would say to yourself, oh, just leave, don't tolerate that, then don't expect your partner to tolerate that.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
The investment they've placed into it makes it very difficult for them to see objective reality. In their mind, they have a vision of the future. It might involve children, it might involve a home, it might involve any kind of connection. And they think that vision can only be achieved with the person they've invested the most in.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They don't realize that vision is still achievable outside of this relationship. They attribute the ability to achieve all of that to this relationship working out. As a friend or a family member, you can say, well, you're still a great person. You can still find love. You can still have kids. You can still get married. But you can do it outside of this relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They don't see the vision outside of the relationship. So they've zoomed into the perspective of only through this person can I achieve my end goals. We as friends and family can say your goals are still are separate to this individual. They can still occur, but with somebody who doesn't have the unhealthy traits that make it impossible in this certain situation.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
They don't communicate what is a deal breaker to them. They know all the things that they like. I like to go on dinner dates. I like to do this. I like to do that. But they forget that the stability of the relationship depends on the actual deal breakers rather than all the things that you love about the person.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
It might be lack of availability, emotional availability. It might be lack of affection. So they might be funny, they might have a great job, they might be beautiful, all of those things.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if they are emotionally unavailable or if they are not considerate or if they're not compassionate as a person, but I haven't realized that, that deal breaker is still there causing disruption of peace every single day.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if I realize my deal breakers and I go into it with the mentality that as long as... I don't care if you're an angel on paper, but if you've got even one deal breaker, chances are we'll fight about this deal breaker forever.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
It could just be that, you know, we disagree on a deal breaker might be commitment levels. How much commitment do I want? Or just a deal breaker might be how much time we spend together, quality time. It might be any of the love languages. One of them might be a deal breaker for you.
The School of Greatness
How To Let Go Of Toxic Love & Attract A Healthy Relationship
But if that person has even one deal breaker, it will resurface again and again until the relationship slowly starts to corrode. So it's important to express what you think emotionally might be a deal breaker for you.