Sam Morril
Appearances
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
And it got cut. Why did it get – what else got cut? Look, there were times I saw you behind Jeffrey Ross. You looked really miserable. You looked unhappy.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
I don't remember. No, we're going to get the material. He's got it on his phone there. How dare they cut one of the great comics of our time? What is Netflix? Who's doing that? Who's making these decisions?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
I'm mortified. We'll get back to that in a second because I don't know what the fine for racism should be because I deserve it.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
I deserve whatever the fine is. You're going to have to tell me at the Venmo fine bucket. You're going to have to help me do this.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Thank you, Sam. I appreciate you catching me when I was vulnerable by simply shouting into the Zoom sky, that's racist. And yes, that's obviously why I'm mortified.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
We pitted him against Deezus. Yep, confirmed. You see me pause there, too, because I saw it coming. We pitted him against Deez's.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Just trying to find which one. Brutal. Yep. Yep. That's what happened. You can hear it right there. Thanks to Sam for catching me gracefully as he does.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
You're perpetually, I would assume, looking for content. The world seems pretty bleak right now. Is there stuff in the news that you're finding particularly funny?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Because I imagine wherever it is that you're working on projects and stuff, you're also noticing like real life is spilling through your windows in a way that daily a little bit crazier than it's ever been or felt a little crazier politically and otherwise than it's ever been.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
That was a crazy story. That story's crazy. And the other one I've heard Bill Burr being very strong on because it's interesting to watch him wade into some of these waters because there's such a desperation, because people know these health care companies are crime families that aren't going to give you
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
your money and now we can all go to the internet and say those fires are the fault of the governor because every damn thing is political now. Your thoughts between both that, the insurance companies, and what's happening in California where a lot of people are very comfortable telling people how they should be managing hurricane fire.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Well, how do you navigate some of this stuff? Because I don't know where it is you fit with all of, you know, it's small world comedy and Jezelnik will go after Hinchcliffe and, you know, there'll be the popular comedians and there'll be the comedians that make their way in and out of Rogan's world.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
While Rogan is now a political figure more than a comedian, a podcaster more than a comedian, and may, for all I know, move to Austin because he thought that that's part of what Californian taxes and Newsom, he wanted to get away from.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
How do you fit into that world in and among Rogan when I'm assuming many of your political viewpoints, I'm assuming this, I don't know it, are vastly different than his?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
The Errors Tour, it's a new stand-up tour currently on sale, samorell.com for show dates and tickets. I got one question for Sam.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Yeah, the best. He can't do it anymore. It's been ruined. He's Ali G. He can't do that material anymore.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Well, I mean, the reason I think it's brilliant is because you're going in and all you're doing is merely not respecting the concept that morning television is sacred. Like you're just purposely making it awkward for TV people who don't know how to react to someone not playing nice. Yeah.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
It's dirty. It's awkward. It's all the things you are. Thank you, Sam. It's nice seeing you again. It's always nice seeing you.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
We're going to get louder as we get to Nick's playoff basketball.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Well, Cleveland, I don't know. You want to do it about Cleveland?
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
That's a murderer's row right there.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Well, this is what I would say of this because you guys probably felt me getting a bit obsessed with this last week, right? Because in some ways this is more interesting to me than even the Aaron Rodgers disintegration on where body and mind meet on stuff and somebody just implodes.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Aaron Rodgers, whatever you think of him now, did that difficult thing better than anyone I've ever seen do it and then... Whatever happened, happened. I don't even know how to explain what happened. And he becomes something far different at the end in his late 30s than this story, which I don't believe has any precedent in the history of American sport.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
A dysfunctional organization that finally arrives at the desperation of expectations. Berries and torches, Baker Mayfield, who's trying to play through 17 injuries just to drag. Drag Odell Beckham and Landry. to nine and seven. The season of great expectations. Then their owner comes in. He's a tycoon. We give too much emphasis to power and rich people. He knows how to lead.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
He's got some secrets. He's got a history that's all sorts of foul. He asks the man on the street who he should draft, and hey, quarterback's tough to play. Johnny Manziel, you cannot play it. The expectations of Browns football.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
make it so they offer guaranteed money to something that is quite fundamentally selling the soul of a region in the name of football hey we've got this alleged molester and terrible person let's give him everything let's fight over the right because we all agree well it might be a moral But he's a top five quarterback, and those are hard to get.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
He made the Texans matter more than they ever have because they almost beat the Chiefs. They were up 24-0 in that game. That's the best anyone's ever played for the Texans. It's the only time we've thought a Texans team's getting out of the wild card round. Deshaun Watson was the quarterback.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
All of that short-circuited, and I don't know how to tie how much of it I can to everything that happened with him off the field that made him somebody that an organization tried to work with, and they were dealing with someone physically broken and mentally broken.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
This is the part though, Mike. This is where I say RG3, get out of here. First of all, that was physical and the decline can be assigned whatever it's declined to. In his prime, a player in his 20s went from being a top five quarterback, and it's not just his body, to can't play the sport anymore.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Last year for a period of weeks during a really special time in Knicks basketball, we pitted Sam Morrell, who is a child about Knicks basketball. I don't think there's anything he cares more about in the world, no animals, no people, than whether or not Mitchell Robinson is coming back. I'm pretty sure I have this right about him.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Yeah. You said you were on the nose.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
The many interesting things about this are that it is a disaster of a guaranteed contract, one of the worst transactions in sports. And it might result in game ward. Yeah, and it was just total soul-selling that ends up contaminating an organization that was already contaminated from the inside.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
I want to get back to whether or not anybody is rooting outside of Ohio State and Notre Dame for anything other than both Ohio State and Notre Dame losing that game.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
You did it twice. No, that's not a $2. Racism is not a $2 fine.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
We pitted him against Deezus as Knicks correspondent throughout those playoffs. The team got loud, the team got eliminated, the team got better. He got his heart broken because he fell in love with Hartenstein, who's now going to come back and break his heart as an Oklahoma City Thunder team that he cannot beat without Mitchell Robinson, his beloved Mitchell Robinson.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
We pitted him against Deezus. And here's the second one. Made you suffer in your battle against Deezus. Lord, Lord.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Oh, Rudy just for vibes.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Sam, you're unreasonable and emotional about your team, and I think that in part made you suffer in your battle against Desus, who also is passionate and cares, but a little less seriously than you do. He wants to be a big mouth about, I've got Carl Anthony Towns. He doesn't care so much about whether Mitchell Robinson is giving you guys the depth you need to knock off Boston.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Sam, I will tell you the same thing that I told Jessica a few days ago. It came up earlier in the show. Mike did it again earlier in the show when he said something about Notre Dame didn't quit as analysis. Sam just gave me as analysis the vibes will make their way back, and it sucks as analysis. Like, if we're talking about how I assess Knicks basketball, Sam really knows basketball.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Okay, he does. But the vibes will make their way back as analysis of how I'm going to beat Boston is shit.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
No, but Sam loves those heart and steams.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Look, Sam is dry and made of sandpaper. He does not love heart. He is an acerbic, dark wit who is against heart, actively against heart. But when it comes to sports... Oh, my God. His gritty Knicks. But what he needs is Carl Anthony Towns. Right up until it's him and Brunson taking all the shots and Bridges is pouting and some other high-money guys don't play it quite the way Hartenstein does.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
And then they lose to Boston because Boston's better both times against both teams.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
I can't believe you say Orlando before Cleveland. You disrespect Cleveland just because of this Mitchell Robinson. Yeah, but so's Cleveland.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
That's infuriating. I want to fight him in the street. I want to drag him. I've been yelling at him. I've been yelling at him. I've been making fun of him. I say you walk like Joe Flacco runs. He's an old, stiff Knicks fan. No, this is infuriating to me. You have Mitchell Robinson as the linchpin between championship and no championship. You have him as the most important player in the league.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
You hurt me. I don't have the strength. I'm tired. We got him, Kyle Lowry. I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore about this. People don't want to hear anymore about Jimmy Butler.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
You're bought and paid for because the Knicks give you access now as a celebrity fan, right? You will not say anything that lands wrong in that locker room among anybody, no matter what your opinions are, no matter how harsh your opinions are or emotional about anything.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
scorching criticism from one of the most acerbic comic of our times he did not love it he roasted 2024 was the best thing on Netflix on that 2024 rose he's got an amazing tour in which he's inviting the wrath of the of the Swifties he's a tastemaker he's a rising comedian who's conquered the business already with his tour and when he gets around the Knicks he's totally soft but Dan it's a big week for cats having the wrong fandom I don't get it
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Soft, Sam. You're soft on your Knicks.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
No, he just wants to be. He gets courtside. I mean, you would sell your soul for courtside.
The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
Hour 2: Sam Morril Misses Mitchell Robinson
Okay, there it is. He's been bought. Can you give me what it is that you think is the best material that can be done around the Diddy stuff? It is a playground that a lot of comics are dancing around.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm literally walking. I'll take one $5 foot long. What are you, fucking 80? 17 years ago, sir. I got that every day for like three years. That was 2011.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, and somebody told me, I had a friend who worked there, he's like, it's all the same meat. Yeah, of course. So buckle up. The meatballs, the turkey, the crab. The tuna's dolphin. Oh, that's pretty good. It's a real animal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, and I heard the turkey is yoga mat. Yes. No, the bread. Oh, the bread. The bread is yoga mat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Whose joke was that? He had a whole Subway chunk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It might have been Patton. He had another chunk. John Patton. They had a competing Subway chunk going on. Yeah. But Gaffigan had a whole thing just based on the name. Subway, does that make you want to eat sandwiches? The Subway, the homeless, the tunnels, the mole people, the rats?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Little slices. How about a tells joke? He's like, I went in the subway. The guy put the gloves on. He goes, nah, raw dog. So good. So good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Now, we're riding the gossip train. Choo-choo. Uh-oh. I want to hear about Kill Tony with Chad Daniels. The whole internet's abuzz.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, Chad had an altercation with a handicapped guy, and then he went at it with- With a handicapped guy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I heard there was some handicap in there at first.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
The handicapped guy goes, oh, I was driving here the other day. And he goes, you drive? And the guy was like, yeah, you don't think I can drive? Oh, he was joking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. So this is the guy with the driving. I feel bad because, you know, Chad is doing great. He's got a Netflix special. He gets on Kill Tony. He's probably like, hey, this is a big platform. I'm going to get some views.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Ah, then this shit happens. Because this is a tightrope, this Kill Tony. Because you want to be funny but not too mean. It's a tough one. Is this it, Mark? Yeah. This is the first thing. I think go for the gumry. The red-headed homeless guy. No, I think they were having fun with each other. Oh, okay. Afterwards, they were laughing about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, the internet's already made multiple videos about how it was bad and Chad fucked up and all this. But you were there, so.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, yeah. Don't you hate it if it's 5 o'clock somewhere? I hate that line. I hate that shit. I never got that line.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And then a bunch of women chimed in. They're like, neither is mine. So it's getting dicey on the old interwebs. Either way, I came quick. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You know, me and Theo Bundy, we used to... That's exactly what I said. Oh, really? I said Teddy Bundy. There you go. All right, well, maybe it was... I just saw the internet was abuzz, and I saw you were on it, so I was like, oh, perfect.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
See, I think Chad's like, I'm out at this point. I'm not going to even talk anymore. He's not going to get more oxygen? Yeah. All right. Does he get weirder than this? I don't know. I haven't actually watched it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But I was like, I'm peeing either way. And it's one of those things, not to shit on the guy, because he's a regular, but like, what do you do with that kind of humor? Like, I like jokes. I like fucking around. He's just yelling at me like, you know, I'm like, yeah. Hey, are you homeless? I don't know. It's like a weird interaction. I don't know how to save that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm with you. I would have just been like, it's on, Chad. I'm out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Because I don't know what to do with the yelling. I'm like, can we go back to being comedians?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
They cleaned up. They made a ton of money because apparently there's a market for this. Interesting. Cock market. Like the stock market? Okay. The cock market is up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. And he's done it to me before, and I'm just like, whoa. Are we done yet? I don't know. This is not my kind of humor. I'm not saying it's bad. I just don't know what to do here. I like jokes and stand-up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Sure, yeah. I like improv. Do I yell with you? I don't know what to do. I talked to him afterwards.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But I think the problem is Chad is a man. Chad will beat your ass. He's a Minnesota hockey-playing, beer-drinking dude. So I think he's like, this guy's yelling at me? What the fuck's going on here? I don't know if he knows the... The schtick.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Eh, it's going to happen on Kill Tony eventually. You think so? Oh, eventually somebody's going to snap.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Someone goes down. Well, have you seen the pen of whack jobs that are waiting to get on Kill Tony? It's like circus freaks. So eventually one of them is going to be full schizo and then, you know... Greg Fitzsimmons is going to be like, yeah, you got that right, you homo. And he's going to snap. That's coming. By the way, Greg's new special is great. That's my rec.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, so funny. Like I was in Mexico. Just got back from Mexico yesterday. How was it? It was great. It was in Guadalajara. I fucking love Mexico. I try to go every time I can. I've been twice. But I went as a kid a lot. But I was in Mexico and I was lonely because, you know, your phone isn't working. I'm in the shitty hotel. Why are you in the shitty hotel? I don't know. I look good online.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And I almost changed it, but I don't have it in me. I text my manager. I was like, should I change the hotel? And he's like, send me some photos. Cement shower, one towel. A weird goo. You open the window, it's just a guy staring in. Yeah. Yeah, the bed was rock hard. It was like a cement slab. I hate that. My back still hurts from the bed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You got to ball it up and fold it up to get some cushion.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
All right. Yeah. When I used to see the guy carrying a pillow at the airport, I'm like, look at this fucking pussy. He can't leave his house without a pillow? Jesus Christ. And then I'm like, I get it. Now I get it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, Sam's distracted either way. I mean, it's just a lot to take in. I sent this to Shane and he was like, I don't know how to feel. I'm like kind of into it. And then we all went, really? Because it was a big group chat. And he was like, no, no. I'm going to leak that. Damn, that is fucking...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I like flatty. How about you? You would have loved my ex. I'm with you. I like firm, but a little bit of give. But you need some neck support.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's a wacky time, folks. The president or ex-president was shot in the head. Biden's on the beach. Kamala's Indian and black. I don't know what's going on. J.D. Vance fucked a couch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I go side, clan hood. No. Yeah, I'm all side. I'm that guy. Yeah. I'm Steph Curry. Ooh. Yeah. I need the side, and I rotate throughout the night. So how's your pregnant wife sleeping? She is side as well. And I bought her a pillow wedge that kind of the belly can rest on. Wow. Yeah. That's so considerate. I just took it from Peters when he was fat.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Crush the baby. That's why sex is weird. We're doing doggy. We're doing legs up. Yeah, because you can't fuck with that stomach. And luckily, I got years of fucking fat chicks in my belt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's like cheating, but like with a fat chick. There's that, and she's huge and pregnant, so she appreciates it. She's like, thanks for fucking me, which a woman's never told me. So that's nice.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's great, and she's having more feelings. Like, I put it in, and she's like... She goes full turkey on me. And it's great, because before I put it in, she was like... So, yeah, there's more hormones and sex and feeling down there, I guess, apparently. Which is a weird biological thing. Why would the body make sex feel better when you're pregnant? I would say, I would wager, to keep you around.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
tits are bigger that's great but they're like blue veins and they look like they're gonna break it's like the water balloon where you're like nope don't put it no more yeah and i'm like but it's kind of cool it's cool yeah it's definitely like a different person it definitely adds another kind of layer to mixes it up mixes it up are you are you worried for when you have a kid and he's gonna start tugging on those things
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. The fuck is this shit? Right. And then in 10 more years, it's like, farmhouse, pals, you know, now you're fucking animals. My wife made a good point. We're getting into wife swap. Not the thing, the show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
A little, yeah. And she's already, like, I'm doing the lift. I'm getting a lift when it staggers. Yeah, she's already, that's her call.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's wetter, it's wilder, it's freakier, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
The wet and wild pregnant woman. Oh, yeah. Well, I got six inches of steel.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, that's a good point. And then some women... Look, I'm not huge, but I've been with some women where they're like... All right, all right, all right. Don't put it all the way in. You're like, whoa, what are you doing with other men? Love those women. I love those women, too. One was black, by the way. Whoa. Yeah, we all know her. But yeah, she was like, whoa, easy, easy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, right. That was fucking fine. The lips would turn me on. But yeah, there's different vagina, because we always talk about dick sizes. There's got to be vagina size. Of course, yeah. So, you know. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. So, fellas, find yourself a small clam broad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
That's all anal. But then, Peters, you're 6'6". Oh, you're 6'4"? 6'4". I thought you were taller.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yes, yes. Like a dad who hits his kid. Yeah. That kind of sweaters. Like a dad that will, like, grab your wrist, and you're like, Dad, no! Yeah. Oh, man. My dad had the angry, God damn it! When he did that thing, I was like, oh, it's over.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Crazy. He's just mellowed out. He mellowed out, and he got on some antidepressant. I think it totally feminized him a little. When I was a kid, though, it was like, temper, scary, throw a whiskey glass across the room.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
that's such an abusive type of just like a chug of fucking whiskey and throw it at your kid yeah he had uh clean that shit up oh there he is with the lip wrist you caught you caught him on a bad moment there no one would ever be scared of this man but when he were a kid he was like the guy in la confidential who cracked the chair he looks like mr burns right now look at this shit the hell's going on uh that's a that's a bad we gotta kind of cut that that's a great pic of you too
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Glam. This is me going, oh, God, marriage. Oh, fuck. Oh, no, what have I done?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Next time I blow a guy, I'm gay somewhere. Not here. I hate 5 o'clock somewhere. It's not clever. Get out of here.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
We're fucking our neighbors. But she made a good point. We're watching this. It's a great show. It's like it's it's sociology. It's like really interesting human nature stuff because two families think they're doing it right. And then you flip and they're like ideologies are all torn apart.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yes, yes. I mean, that's how into it she got. And this is my after-wedding smoking jacket.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He did, yeah. What happened with that? I wore it out drinking with Ari and Sal recently. Boy, you feel like a million bucks. It says MN on the cuffling. The opening says Mark Norman suit. What store was it? I think it's Emilio Bellotto. It was some crazy Italian guy. The guy showed up. He looked like Sal... What's his name? Sebastian Maniscalco. Just like a hot Italian guy.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He weighed, he measured you. He's all up in there. He's like, you want this kind of cut, that kind of cut? How do you wear it? How do you like it? Best thing ever. I'll never not wear this suit.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Robert Altman, that theme song is so sad. It's amazing.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Pornhub, just as we found. Just a chick with a dick pops up like that. Six inches? Surgical. Oh, here we go. Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. We got it. All right, now here's another one. Okay. Scuba.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yes. Yes. But are you going? Ah, shit. That was the fattest answer I've ever heard. He said it all sad, too. I know. He didn't feel good about that. But my point is, A, she was like, the middle class is gone. The whole show is middle class. It's like people with four kids and some guy works at a factory and he's got four kids and a giant house and two cars. That's over.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
People love it. They get in that cage and they feel safe. Not me.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, we bitch about hecklers. These surfers have a deal with great white.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Wait a minute. Dragnet came out in the 80s, though. Oh, I guess there was a movie. Yeah. I'm thinking of the Dan Aykroyd, Tom Hanks.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Now it goes to TV. That's true. Yeah, I'm trying to think of another one that they did to a movie or a TV show.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, yeah. Right? And now I feel like it's. Oh, Starsky and Hutch and Dukes of Hazzard became both horrible movies, but they did it. I think we ran out of ideas for a while. Actually, still.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, I got the Fitzsimmons special. Check it out. It's on YouTube now. I think it's got about 100, 200K views. He's a great guy. Great guy. He had a great bit about baseball that I can't remember now. But just cool to see. No one commands a room better than Fitzsimmons. That guy is just in the pocket. I'm listening to every word. You're never bored.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He just knows how to deliver a stand-up really well.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
But it's him. And they rip that face off of a lady.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, you did. I got to watch that. I got to watch that. My wife hates Vince Vaughn, so I haven't been able to watch it. Who hates Vince Vaughn? She thinks he's a smart-ass piece of shit. That's why I love him. That's why I like him, too. It's great. I do see, like, Deadpool. I haven't seen the second one. I heard it's pretty good. But I just don't love the smarmy comedy for two hours.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yes, yes. It gets to a point where like, that's cool to do that. Sure. But like. Can't lean on it. It's like breaking on SNL. You can break every now and then. It's fun. Oh man, Jimmy Fallon's losing it. But if you do it every sketch, it loses the magic.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, yeah, right. I just don't care about Marvel. My friend was opening for me and he was like, dude, they made this joke, they made that joke. And I'm like, well, I don't even get that joke. He's like, the joke is Hawkeye was in the wrong spot. I'm like, I don't care.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
uh religious stuff and race stuff and like now it would all be like hey this is uh this is not a safe space i'm offended this is problematic it does none of that they're like fuck you bitch i'll kill you it's just people shitting on each other and ball busting and yelling at each other and there's zero identity politics or like it's just people who hate each other for them exactly it's refreshing
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
He's got a great character. Oh, all right. He's from NOLA. Whoa.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
How long until PETA gets like, hey, that's mean. You can't call the dog ugly. It's body shaving. But this dog's so ugly that it's kind of cute. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like Ron Perlman. That is a crazy looking mutt. Holy shit.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Dash B, D. Well, you know what I mean? Yeah. My dad, he'll write a long thing and write dad. But I think he's just like an old boomer guy who doesn't know how to use his phone.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
For the record, if I go, if I kick the bucket, do not show text at my funeral. Just saying, I'm putting that out there now. Please. Norman called Peter's a f***er in 2024. You know, whatever it is.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I love the headline, funny man dies on my way. It happens to everybody.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Let's go on a break. That's true. Yeah, that is funny to talk like that. You don't do that. Like, what's the deal with doggy style? I'm fucking her. We're not dogs. I guess we've got style. Fucking idiots. Did you ever notice that women don't cum when I fuck them?
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Mm-hmm. You have a little microphone by the back.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I don't have it. Yeah. Well, you got that bit idea. You got to write it down. Oh, I definitely... You've gotten sex ideas. Oh, yeah, of course. During sex, you're like, oh, there's a joke. Of course, yeah.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Now everything's got to be like, hey, don't insult my people or that's against my.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And the worst is when people go, if it's a good idea, you'll remember it. That's not true. No, it's not. I'll forget any idea, good or bad.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, that's good. That's good. He's funny, that guy. He's an interesting mind. He is funny. I like weights. I like weights, too. He's fucking cool. He's a cool dude. His lettermans are top notch. He's just so fucking weird. He's weird and cool and dark. I like him.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Canadian? Where's he from? Where's he from? He feels New York-y, but I think it's just because he's on Letterman, and I've only seen photos of him in New York. Anyone want to guess? Mark, you're good at this before I pop it up.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, where's he from? I'm going to go Toronto.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
hit me baby singer songwriter pomona california wow we were way off we gotta get this guy in the show yeah samsonite i was way off 74 now he's pretty freed up i'd say but he's a fucking man he's one of those guys who's too cool like you're like hey so you're from pomona california he's like yeah that's right
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, yeah. Well, it's not a great peeve, but I was at the Guadalajara airport, and I'm the token honky. I'm the guy like, oh, where do I go? I don't speak Spanish. A little dingy. Do you go direct flight or do you have to connect? Connect in Dallas. That's not that bad. Not too bad. Small plane, though, to Dallas. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I was the gringo. And no one goes to Guadalajara.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
People go to Mexico City, they go to Cancun or whatever the hell, but Tijuana. Guadalajara was me, a cockfight, and a lady making tortillas.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I like Mexico, and I've never been to Guadalajara, and we sold some tickets there, so fuck it. I love that. So I'm in the airport. I finally land. It's like a seven, eight-hour travel day. You're a little wonky. And I'm going through customs, and you have to take your passport and scan it on this machine. And it kept saying, no passport, no good, no good, red, red, red.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
no worky uh bad news though no bueno sucky sucky five dollar yeah hello he was like scan scan scan oh and i was like i scanned i scan but there's you know there's no there's no language there's a barrier so i go look scan scan he goes scan it scan it he keeps yelling at me and i'm like it's not working and then eventually he takes it and it doesn't work and he goes you got to go over there
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And I'm like, why couldn't you just listen to me? But I guess they see so many idiots coming through there that don't know how to do it that he just assumed I was one.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm a traveled man. I know how to work my passport machine, but this guy was not having any of it. And then eventually he tried it, and he was like, oh, sorry, go over there.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I know. And I did get the random check, which felt very pointed.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. By the way, I do Q&A at the end of shows. A lot of people go, Sam's eyebrows. Really? That's a big one.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You don't get that? I get that too with the comb. They hit the comb on and then they trim it. They used to at least ask.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm going to braid it. But yeah, Mexico. So I do a show on Guadalajara. Killer crowd. Great show. They get everything. You know, you can talk about Biden. You talk about Brad Pitt, Taylor Swift, whatever it is. They get all of it.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Both. A little of both. Some people are like, I want to learn, see if I can test my English. And then I leave. I'm walking down the street, kind of half in the bag, just taking in Guadalajara. And this guy runs up on me, white guy. And he goes, hey, where are you going? I go, I'm just walking around. He goes, I was at the show. you want to come to my bar and hang out?
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I was like, sure, I got nothing to do. So I go to this guy, this guy from San Francisco.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
gimp in there you're like oh fuck yeah he locks the door now you're mine i'm gonna get medieval on his ass so i go to this guy's bar lived in berkeley yeah got too weird during covid said i'm moving to guadalajara started his own business now he's like i'm the king out here i get laid all the time i got my own bar my own business i'm a rich man i'm never going back how old is he 25
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I know, like, as a woman, as a BIPOC, and you're like, I don't give a shit about that. And they're like, but you don't know how I feel. I'm like, but you don't know how I feel. Like, you're a different human being than me. Get out of here. Your feelings are more important than mine, and mine are more important than yours, and I thought the whole point was to be equal.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
holy shit can you believe that he's making money there he's making a ton of money because he owns a business right on the strip too i was like how did you do this he's like i just was desperate i figured it out i put it together crazy and he was cool cool dude uh he uh offered me some blow and i was like i gotta go i gotta go and then i get home and i got like nine million dms like you should have come out man hey it's pretty crazy out here i'm in a nightclub right now with six girls you should come out i was like i did the right thing yeah but nice guy i hope he doesn't hear this
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'll take it. By the way, ladyboys, they got usurped by trans. Yeah.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I had to do tequila. Tequila's from Guadalajara. Mariachi's from Guadalajara. Guadalajara is like Mexico. It's like if someone dropped you in Kentucky, and you're like, this is America. Trump flags and guns. That's what it felt like. It felt like Mexico.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
but great great time cheap as shit you're like a king out there i'm eating street tacos i'm like yeah give me another one there paco i'm giving him giving him twos and threes and he's like whoa jesus i gotta i gotta do mexico man it's fun it's it's got some grit i wonder if i can move some tickets i'm gonna give it a shot what oh i got another peeve by the way oh please um just dudes with sharp rings
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I hate a sharp ring. I have a ring for the wedding, and I hate when people squeeze it, and it hits the ring. It hurts. But rings in general, I don't love.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm not a big jewelry guy. I hate jewelry. Why would you want to put another thing on your body? It's just another thing to think of. The watch is already pushing it.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I completely agree. Guys who wear a bracelet, I'm like, what's the upside? What's the point of the bracelet? Or women like, hey, a bracelet. You know, I get it if you want to do some crazy thing that turns on women. Stefano might be listening. Does he wear a bracelet? Oh, yeah. He does? He's a fucking, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Some guys like a little bling. Every guy's got a necklace now.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Have you noticed that? Yeah, what is that? I don't think they're in. I know.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I thought that's what we were going for, was to be a colorless society.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And then it's funny because chains will go out at one point. So I'm like, what are we doing here? I'd rather just be me consistently than have to like, oh, this is in. Now that's out. Oh, I still got to lose the chain. I wore a chain wallet in eighth grade. You did? I did because I was a skateboard queef, and that was part of the uniform. And then eventually I was like, what am I doing?
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
This is stupid. And then I'm not like, oh, they're back in? No. I'm a 40-year-old guy. I'll put a chain wallet. No. I'm doing me now. Sorry. I'm 40. I'm doing me. What is a chain wallet? I mean, I've seen it, but what's the purpose? The purpose is so you don't lose your wallet. You lose your wallet a lot. You get pickpockets.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I guess, but bikers have them. I think they started it because their wallet might fall out.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And that's his style. So he's being him. Like I don't think chain wallets are in and he's still doing it.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yes, exactly. Was I in the dream? No, I don't care.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
There was a man with no face, and I was on a cliff in my old hockey jersey, and you're like, shut up. Who cares? Move on. Is there sex? Get to the sex.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Because I'm just trying to think, if you're freaked out by it, Ronan's freaked out, List was freaked out by it. Did List like it? He loved it, but he's like, it is literally the craziest thing I've ever seen. Yeah. And it raises the clockwork orange and all that shit.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Me neither. Now I'm really nervous. Yeah. You watch it. But List also is fucked up. He said it. I got to text him about it. The craziest movie he's ever seen. His words.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Talk about it. Remember those days when a girl in high school would be like, I had a weird dream about you, and you were like. I know. What happened? That was how bad we were at flirting.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, we'll see. I'm fucked up by eerie. Like, when I was a kid, Willy Wonka fucked me up. It's just too weird, and they never- Well, if that fucked you up, do not watch this. Okay, okay. I mean, I was little, but yeah, I didn't like Wonka. He was too, like, he was enjoying the kids in a pipe with chocolate, and he's like, oh, look at this piece of shit, and that bugged me.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Maybe off air, because I don't know if I can stomach it. Yeah. I never watched the Michael Jackson doc. I can't watch the R. Kelly doc. For a guy who likes farting and offensive humor, I don't like real shit. Yeah, well, farting is not as bad as raping. What you do is not actually bad. That's a t-shirt. I know, I know, but, like, people are like, oh, you pushed the line or whatever.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I'm like, no, I'm just, these are jokes. Like, I can't watch, like, the Michael Jackson thing. People are like, oh, let's get the popcorn out. I'm like, this is, I hate this. Are kids getting diddled? I don't want to watch this.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. I mean, the Ted Bundy shit was huge. Every girl was loving it. And I was like, this is weird. It's murder. He's murdering women with a rock, beating them over the head. I'm like, I don't want to watch this.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And I had such low self-esteem. They're like, I think Christy likes you. I'm like, no, she hates me. They're like, dude, she had a dream about you. And I was like, no, shut up.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Barbie, maybe? But it's not really the funniest movie.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. But yeah, no, it's a good point. I remember laughing at something about Mary, you know, 11 years old in the theater.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Losing it. American Pie even. You know, old school. I saw it in the theater.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, I got a bit that I thought was right, money right out of the pocket, but it is bombing all day long.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
So my buddy has a young daughter, and he's like, she's going through all these phases. She went through like a promiscuous slutty phase. And I was like, well, that's pretty normal. And then he's like, yeah, but now she's going through a Muslim phase. And I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, a lot of kids are being Muslim now. And I was like, well, that's better than slut.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Because slut is skimpy outfit, getting drunk, blowing a bunch of guys. Muslim is burka, no alcohol, and getting down on your knees for Allah. So I was like, I got an A to B here. This is perfect. And it's bombing everywhere. Much like a Muslim. No. But it's dying on the vine.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Muslim hijab. So I did a hijab line. That got nothing. Yeah, hijab. And I thought it was appropriated.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I know. God. It's like your kids are... There's so many different fluid sexual things and... Now it's like, I'm a white boy. Now you've got to come out as white, and they're like, oh, no.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, you got to stop taking Ambien. All right. Cheers. Cheers. Mazel. Thank you, Peters. Woo, chicks with dicks.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Whoa. That's heavy. Yeah. Damn. Well, then another person was like, another comic was like, I think it's a solid bit, but people don't want to laugh at Muslim shit. That's possible. It's just a religion in my mind. But I think other people, there's a real problem I have. Other people have a problem with it. So they put their problem on me when I'm like, I'm just doing a bit.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, it's so new. I tried it in Mexico a little bit and I tried it at New York Comedy Club and it got weird. So I've only done it like twice or three times.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, they're wearing tube tops and, you know, skimpy this and shrinking and sneaking out and fucking random dudes. They get pregnant, get STD.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I think it's just it's in the culture now. It's like in the zeitgeist.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, yeah. Jersey. Jersey. Interesting. And then there's something with 72 virgins, maybe. I could do something with that.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
She's not getting laid anymore. She's one of the virgins in the afterlife. I don't know.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No, I'm saying, like, maybe I should go with goth.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
might be funny if the dad's a jew and the and the kid oh that's that's something fuck you dad yeah i don't know i'm just thinking of angles in here right like you know the girl whose dad is racist dates a black guy yeah this girl is her dad's a jew so she's yeah going muslim huh All right, well, I'll play with it.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Now you're becoming them? Now you're converting. Yeah, that could be funny. That's something, yeah. During COVID, she wore a mask. All right.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
There you go. It's like Netflix and Blockbuster.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, it's a comedy club. What are you, should I just be rainbows and sunshine all day? No, I want some edge. Supposed to laugh at the dark shit, folks. That's what we're doing here.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. You're like Trump. You got to have a nickname for every woman. Yeah. You're like, hey, what's up, Comrade Michelle? She's like, what? Yeah. moody michelle moody moody's fun for a lady my favorite part oh fuck i don't know um there was something uh i like the angle of kind of come up with a new new material for the new girlfriend should i see what else i had um
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, great guy. First guy I've ever met in comedy. We've had him on the show. Friend of the show. Killer comic.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
That's a good peeve. The professional who doesn't who's asking you questions.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Right. It's not a judgment call. I hate when you get in a cab or something and he's like, how do I get there? I'm like, you're the guy. You're the driver.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
What if you shit on yourself, and you're like, well, .2 would help me a lot, or help you a lot in bed. Oh, yeah, yeah. If your dick was .2 inches longer, because now you're making fun of you a little, and she's like, that would be better. Good point.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. point uh you know you could say is uh this is just a side sideline but you'd be like hey 4.5 that's fresh unlike him that's fresh do people know rotten tomatoes enough yeah maybe i'm maybe i'm reaching on rotten tomatoes that's fresh unlike him yeah that would be fresh yeah she's uh
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I had an old joke similar to this, but I could never get it to work, and I had a lady yell at me because I was like, oh, dude, you smell horrible. And she was like, hey, that's their culture. And I was like, yeah, but it's American culture to shit on people who stink.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yes. Yes, for them. Your crowd, it's fine. But if you're at the cellar, you've got to pad it a little more, I think.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, nice and tight. But you're right, that tinkering is crucial. Just a little twist this way or that way and then it's offensive or it doesn't work or whatever.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
What if you go 0.2? All right, well, what if I got your age wrong by 0.2 or something?
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
That's why I like gold medal. That's a perfect- I liked it, yeah. Perfect analogy, but yeah.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, that's like two inches. Yeah, that's like two inches. Yeah, if you make her a little more off, I think you're safe. Maybe that's what I got to do. Yeah, that's good. A whole point. Yeah. 0.2 seconds could save your life if you drown. Whatever it is, you know. Yeah. That's funny. Do you got to open your chute in 0.2 or else you're dead? I don't know. It's close.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I think you open it up a little more to make it a bigger gap between the scores or the ratings.
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Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Who has that funny joke where they're like, I got into a cab the other day, today, the guy smelled like shit. Somebody goes, whoa, that's racist. And you're like, it was a white guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Wow. Yeah, that's a good joke. Somebody has that. I was like, oh, I wish I had that joke. That's fucking great. That's great. Wait, when does this come out, Matt?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
MarkNormanComedy.com, but Punch Up is just my name.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Hell, yeah. All right, love it. You'll get yours back. Yeah, can't wait. I sold mine to Hulu. Did you? Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah, get a couple extra bucks, throw it on Hulu, and it's on YouTube. Pretty cool. Fuck it, let it ride. Fort Lauderdale, coming at you. Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We had a show doing the Rogue Island Comedy Fest, Monterey, California.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oakland, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland, Hilarities, Good Club, Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. Come on, Larry David. Pick Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, North Charleston, South Carolina. And Asheville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, and Englewood, New Jersey. So, yeah, come on out, folks. We'd love to have you. Get some Bodega Cat. We got the hot new bottle looking sexy, strong.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I agree. I mean, reputation-wise, I mean. Like, it's hard to get a table. It's a lot of celebrities. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
You got to get up for Salicus. We were killing it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
A bit of a dumb wop, and he gave me this one. I go, hey, I'm just checking in for a big reservation. He goes, how many? I go, 15. He goes, well, we'll see about that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
This is what a reservation is. We're here. We're here to eat. We called ahead for this exact reason. Well, we'll see.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. A little gin and soda to get things cooking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
It's hard to call every comic and set it up and call the restaurant. And I'm grateful for it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, it was another where Gary fucked up. He goes, bring the hits. He said, bring the hits, which they go jackpot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
And a pedophile. Now here's the other question.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Well, no, but you said boy. Oh, yeah. So I'm going, you like young, and a woman, boy. I'd go lady man if I was over that. I'd be like, I'd like a lady man. I don't want a lady boy. What am I, a pedophile?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Well, they got a bad attitude. I think it's that New York like- Or Italianissimo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
great it wasn't bad yeah it was fine what's his face levitard over here levitardo he got a 65 cocktail how do you get a 65 cocktail because he got the uh that good tequila with the bell on it whatever that shit is um class azul class azul is no joke a bottle that's like 900 well he's done pretty well in his life yeah yeah well don't tell vita's gonna be furious But so I felt bad. So I put a card.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Well, it's good that he paid because he owes you for all the years of your restaurants that you went to. And he picked this fucking joint.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
One steak is $95 at a top shelf place. And this place added a 25% tip. Look at that. $983 tip. God, for getting yelled at. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
We got screwed. These guineas raked us over the coals all day long.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
What's the guy from Sopranos? Frankie? I feel like that stripper he took out back and beat the shit out of him until she died. Yeah, yeah, that's me. I'm the stripper. Ralph clocked me around and beat me up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
I want to fuck that host with a gun to his head like Richie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
No. I took a few veal legs home. Did you? Yeah, I put those right in my pocket because I was like, I dropped $17.55 on the whole thing. Your poor lady had to drop $17.55 and then Vitor put $17.55.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah, that's right. Definitely not true, but. No, not with that bod. She looked good. She definitely went the right way if she had to pick.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, that's great. That's great. By the way, trying to get money out of Will, not easy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Oh, that's great. There's Will making a black joke.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Yeah. Oh, look at that. That was right before the 9-11 attack. We're all having a good time. Then the towers hit when that bill showed up. It is terrorist behavior to just sneak attack you like that in a bill. Completely. It is. And you can't refute it. You can't be like, whoa, how did we get to that? Because they're like, you said the hits. They got us by the balls.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Would not have been a good man. No, no. That true lie scene would have been ruined. Oof. Wait. Oh, yeah. Lady hermaphrodite was dick and vagina.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Veeder. There he is, that fucking rat. Look at him. We got to whack him. It's a thankless job to put all of us together like that. I love you, Gary. And then not only did he get fucked with the bill, but now we all hate him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's supposed to be here. Dirty guinea. He bailed this morning. I didn't even know he was coming because I didn't know you were coming. Matt wouldn't tell us the guest, so it was like a surprise.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
For those listening, Matt Salacuse is holding up my picture with Larry David next to Mark's.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
God, you really... Didn't fucking... There was zero reaction.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I found out today. I found out today because he told us that Chris... And I was like, well, who's coming? So we found out today. But yeah, Chris called me the other day. We talked on the phone for a while and he's like, can't wait to see you next week. So I was like, oh, great. So now I'm disappointed. Anyway, fuck you, Chris. His daughter's sick. Your partner doesn't work.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
She could have carried the lifting. His daughter is definitely sick.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, Larry does not look happy in yours. I got a smile.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Look at those hands. He could grab a wrist. Oh, yeah. Remember when a dad would grab a wrist, you were in trouble? Hate the wrist. And place it on his cock. Yeah. Make them finish you to completion.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's great. You sell your soul to stay in a fucking airport hotel. Yeah. Damn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Wait, are you sick, sick? Yeah, I've got COVID. No, no, no. Are you sick like you're hungover? Are you like sick? No, I'm run down. I've been like four cities. But you don't have like the flu. No. Oh, you just mean like you feel like shit. I'm with you. Like shit. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
So I'm in Austin. My agent reps Larry David now for live events. This is why we're having more trouble selling tickets on the road. We're going up against everybody. Yeah. Not just comics now. It's, you know, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Right. It's comedians. I know. Hawk Tua is doing a tour. You see that? I didn't. Yeah. She's out there. She's only taking money in Hawk Tua coin.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And I can feel it. I'm going to get sick when I go home. I knew it was coming. I saw my routing. I was like, I'm fucked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Much, much better. A lot of it's I feel like shit. I am very happy to see you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
would take the trip maybe i don't know you never know well we'd love to have you i love a party make an awesome first impression with chubbies their flannel over shirt looks like a flannel but feels like a fleece so it'll take you from picking out christmas tree to watching hallmark movies on the couch everything chubbies makes is ridiculously comfortable and will have you looking and feeling great yeah these are comfy i mean not just their shirts but i love the pants they look good they fit well
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I wear them all the time. I get compliments on them. People are like, where do you get those pants? And I say, go to fucking Chubby's, you idiot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Whether you're buying for yourself or giving a gift, Chubby's has what you need this winter. Go to their website for the best deals of the year. It's comfy. It looks good. It's a great combo. Our friends at Chubby's are giving our listeners 20% off with code DRUNK20 at checkout. Chubby'sShorts.com. That's 20% off your order with code DRUNK20. Support the show and tell them we sent you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
This holiday season, gift yourself and your loved ones Chubby's.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
spit going yeah yeah so uh yeah i'm at the show and the same agent who introed you is kind of like hey uh pimple you want you want to meet him and i was like only if i'm not annoying him okay i don't want to this is my nightmare and i'm extra nervous because i know mark's story and i'm just like You know, it was a fun show. Susie Essman and J.B. Smoove come out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He just takes out a ghost gun and shoots us. Is he a fucking present, you piece of shit?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He was shot. Stefano, that was hurtful. Yeah. And no Giannis either? Giannis bailed too, apparently? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That guy? The fat kid. Pull up him rapping so we understand. This kid, come on. His feet don't hit the floor. Wait, this kid was going to come? Yes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You know what? This definitely was one thing, but the Rizzler is a star. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
So he was going to bring the Rizzler out of it. We would have opened a gift and the Rizzler would have popped out of a box and done the Rizz thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
If a pedophile gets a guy like that, do you think he feels worse, or is he like, thank God?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I think you're right. Wait, if what happened? If a pedo gets one of those fake kids, are they upset, or are they kind of like, I dodged a bullet?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's, you know, running the interview. Yeah. And it's funny. It's Larry's being hilarious. Some stories we've heard, the George Fired story, but then there's so many other funny stories. I mean, you saw the show. Did you see the Q&A?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, dude, I just read this book. Let me make sure I remember the name so I can write. This is a hard wreck right here. Big time wreck. It's called A Murder in Hollywood, The Untold Story of Tinseltown's Most Shocking Crime. Casey Sherman. Lana Turner, man. She dated the worst fucking people on the planet. This actress, it's about like Mickey Cone and this gangster John Stimpanato.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
One of the guys she dates, I forgot his name, it's Lex something. He was a movie star back then. He's raping her daughter. Oh. For two years behind her back from she was 10 to 12. Wow. And he didn't even get in trouble for it. What? How did he get in trouble? He got away and it was kind of like, I don't know, she was a bad mom on top of it. I mean, she also...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
She was dating this gangster, John Stumpinato, and he beat the shit out of her for, like, years. Crazy story about this. This gangster's beating the crap out of her. He's jealous. He's like Mickey Cone's guy. He's super dangerous. Jesus. But, you know, they would trick people, Mickey Cone and Stumpinato. They would videotape celebrities in compromising positions, and they would blackmail them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
So you get, like, Cary Grant maybe doing some gay shit. Woo! And you're like, we'll end your career. Right. So anyway, she's shooting a movie in, I think, England. And the young star is Sean Connery. Oh. Who's like, holy shit. This is like his big break. Yeah. But no one knows who the fuck he is. But this gangster's jealous. They're like, wow, the rumors are hooking up. Oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That was the highlight because people are so, man, it's like, by the way, you really do realize what his fan base is. And man, if there was a Nazi in there, he would have lost his mind. You just hear voices behind me like, I go to the store the other day, this happened. I'm like, oh my God, this is his fan base. It's us, we're just complaining.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And he's like, I'm going to kill this guy. So he just walks up to Connery, puts a gun to his fucking chest, and goes, I don't want to see you on the set again. Connery grabs the gun. knocks him onto the ground, punched him in the face, and the guy ran away. I'm like, holy shit, Sean Connery, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Pull up the guy's name who was molesting Lana Turner. I want to make sure we know his fucking name. So I'm, you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Lex something. Lana. Just put Lex Lana Turner. I forgot. I feel. Yeah, I should know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Those cab drivers would be just having like a fucking daiquiri or something, you know? Are you serious? They do to-go cocktails. Yes. What do you think that's for? It's not just for walking. People pull up and like, yeah, I'll have a...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And the town kept it. You know what would have been a real party? If the Rizzler showed up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
The guy sits next to me and just starts complaining instantly. I'm like, it's Weiner's.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's what the subway guy did. Guys who are so bad at kids, they don't know what else to do. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's going to age well, man. Fuck you. Is that his family next to him? Of course. No, it's the Costco family. Yeah, he's the star. The Rizzler's the big dog. What's the Costco? Get him wrapped. I'll bring up Costco next. Pull up his holiday wrap, dude. Don't act like the Rizzler. DeRosa, you wrap. Don't act like the Rizzler doesn't have bars here. Pull up his holiday rap.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It's so true. But then everyone there thinks they've got the charisma because they're whining. Yes. You get a lot of people. One guy said, hey, we'd love to hear your rendition of These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty. And Larry just goes. Nah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That guy's got, he's on a different diet than the Rizzler, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
How do you have time to get shredded and write a manifesto?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Totally. Oh, it's so funny. At the beginning, he's like, I am not like Larry David. And then as the show goes on, you're like, I'm pretty sure you are. Pretty sure it's exactly who you are. That's why the show works. I think he's a nicer guy. Yeah. But he can't fake it. And then... You know, a few other questions that were just like, you're like, all right, enough.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Some people were saying he didn't, you know, because the eyebrows are a little more connected a few days later. But guess what? As someone with eyebrows like that, if you don't bring tweezers on the road, they are going to fucking look like that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I think I got a joke angle on this. Okay. For our thing. Yeah. Okay. Something along the lines of, yeah, that's not. That went viral.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's the guy who reps Tommy DeVito on the Giants. He's like that Italian agent. Oh, that's hilarious.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He stole one of your tweets? I guess. Norman told me. I didn't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I mean, I'm not expecting. He's got bigger shit. What's going on with him? I don't follow anything. CTE. He's got some.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, he's got CTE, dude. He's got bigger problems. You know, it's like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I don't know anything. He was like accusing Tom. He was like saying Giselle tried to fuck him to Tom Brady. Whoa. Oh, Jesus Christ. Tom Brady like took him in. Tom Brady like revitalized his career and got him, you know. He was also supposed to be on today, but he canceled.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And after the show, I go back there and I'm like, I'm not going to I'm going to be quick. I don't want to bother him. And I got the perfect intro until he goes, we have a quick talk. And I go, the show is good, which is all anyone wants to hear. Yes. You just want to hear the show was good. Yes. He goes, really? And I said, yeah, it was really good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
By the way, I do have to mention this really quickly. Who the hell is the Rizzler's handler that they were going to book him on a show called We Might Be Drunk? Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I've met the dad at the game. The dad seems at least like, I mean, I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It's really funny. And I'm a big fan. My favorite episode is Corpse Sniffing Dog, and he smiled. I got a smile on it. I love, because they were talking about callbacks on stage and how much they love callbacks. JB was saying how much he loves setting something up and you bring it back later. I love the end where he blows the dog whistle and the dog runs out. I love that. Was that Car Wash Cunt?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, it's a Netflix TV show. The first one they did is small, but this is like, yeah, they picked it up. That's impressive.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You can't eat that shit and then do stuff. That, too. That was part of it, too. Chick-fil-A is fucking good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
no oh that's a different one okay that's uh that's the fuck you your car wash same season okay okay but uh yeah we talked a little more and then the only the only hiccup we had okay a hiccup finally minor hiccup because i tell the agent i say get a picture like i want to ask so you say oh we should get a picture with you because he goes oh you're you know we talked a little about stan he goes you're a stand-up oh you got the stand-up yeah the agent goes there's a really funny stand-up we represent so he's like
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You had a great scene that you were the punch-up guy, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
They're still keeping like Law and Orders on. Yeah, exactly. Different network, but you know my point. Oh, the show was canceled mid-season. Ah, right. You got out easy. I guess with comedy, they're weirder about that shit. They are. When it's like open and shut, like a police procedural, and they're like, well, you're arrested for being bad, as opposed to a guy doing it for laughs.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
So he was like, he smiled and he goes, where do you live? And I go, New York. And he kind of, he was friendly, but I also didn't want to overstay my welcome. So that was it. And then let's get a picture of you two. And right as he says that, a mouthful of hummus and celery. And he's like, and he just looked annoyed. I was like, ah, my moment, my moment.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I bet that softened it, though. They were like, well, he's gay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, yeah. That's kind of pretty insulting to gay people. They're like, you're such a someone underage. I'm gay. Yeah. Not what gay is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, it was shitty. It's a gay scapegoat. Anyway. Anyway, we have been trying to book Kevin Spacey on the podcast, we should say. He's a talented actor. Have you really been trying to get him? We would love to get Spacey.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But then he swallowed and then he smiled again. I got this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I got to trash you, by the way. Speaking of travel peeve. Please. I was just in Cleveland and they send a car to take you to the airport in the morning. But the car just like the second time it's happened to me with the same company in Cleveland. They just don't show up. And, you know, they're like, I'm like 1030 flight. But like, yeah, you're right there. Get it for 930. I'm like, are you sure?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Because, you know, like 930, you're fine. They're not fucking there. Yeah. So luckily I have a number. I go, yeah, where are you? And they're like, yeah, we're not. We're not here. We'll be there in a second. Sorry about that. And I go, I've got a flight. Yeah. You know, at an airport. Yeah. And the guy goes, we're working on it. Have a blessed day. Oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Did they show up? Yeah, they showed up, but it took forever. I made the flight. Barely. But also, like, don't bring your fucking religious horse shit into a service. Yes. This is a service that I'm paying for. I'm not, but it's part of the gig. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Have a blessed day is Midwest. Go fuck yourself. That's true. It's not even like, I hope you have a good day. Blessed is insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Who listened to us talking about it and felt horrible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah. The successful guy got further because he just is confident. I think you're right. That is true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
That's true. But he's on those fucking trains all day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Always late. Yeah, but this 33 minutes late. What the hell?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But I was in and out. And then the next night I'm at the Comedy Mothership and guess who's in the green room? Quentin Tarantino. Holy shit. Larry David Wednesday, Tarantino Thursday. Did you see him? Yeah, I got one laugh and then I walked out. Oh, that's great. Because he was talking Adam Egott's in there, Rogan's in there, Tony Hinchcliffe's in there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
But it is very sad. It is sad. It is a sad holiday. You guys are in pajamas. I know. This is like when you dress up for a bomb. It's like if Eddie Murphy did Raw and it didn't go well.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
The fact that I know we could have had the Rizzler is such a blow to the gut.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You hate to hear that for the kid. Oh, I got another peeve. Oh, Photoshop. When people in emails, they write something annoying and then write, thanks for understanding. Ooh. I didn't say understood. Yeah, good point. You're assuming I understand. Right. How about you say, sorry. Yes. Thanks for understanding is a fuck you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And I don't want to... I'm just kind of listening because he's there with, you know, Joey did his podcast. Oh, cool. But... Yeah, I got one laugh, and then I was like, I'm out of here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
What? Yeah. Damn. And I was like, why are you just pulling up these pictures of this kid behind him? I don't know. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It makes me feel better that he's gay, because when dudes are that ripped and they're not gay, I'm a little bit like, what's going on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Rogan said something about Jamal Khashoggi, you know, who got murdered in Saudi Arabia. Oh, right. Yeah, and I go, yeah, it turns out a journalist in Saudi Arabia, not a good job. Got a Tarantino laugh out of that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You got to get him back one day. You got to hold like a jerk store moment. You got to have like a moment where you hit him back with terrible performance. It might take 30, 40 years. Good point. You wait till an old man, he puts on a half-assed concert. Go to any one of his shows.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Okay. Okay. Okay. I like that guy. But I just kind of stayed in the corner. And then you kind of see him. He's so energetic. Yes. Doing characters. He's doing a performance. He's doing a Joker impression. It was the worst impression I've ever heard. But it's Tarantino, so we're all just like, uh-huh. Yeah. You can tell how much we respect him by how much we're just being like, uh-huh. Sure.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Why'd you get here on a flying carpet? Is that why you were so late? Hey, guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
I don't think people are going to get that though on the fly, would they?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He likes Margot Robbie's feet. Go from Margot Robbie's feet to these. Good point. What are you, catching salmon with those toes? It's got some talons over here. Sam Talon. And then I did Dr. Phil Live on Friday. Wow. What a week. Yeah, it was pretty fun. We FaceTimed you from the stage. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Guys that get offended by that are still pieces of shit. It's called, I'm supporting a small business, okay?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Eight crazy nights. But I love Christmas. A little all-day NBA on Christmas. We got football now, too. I mean, this is a good time. Order a little Chinese food. Hell, yeah. Watch my Knickerbockers. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah. This guy doesn't know what he walked into. I'm sorry. So what kind of magic are we doing here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, God. Am I going there? What a shithole town that is. Jesus Christ.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
We had a good time. Yeah, I mean, he sold out the round. Wow. Celebrity Theater in Phoenix. It was a hot show. We had A.I. Mark Norman come out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Thank God. I was like, I better not be going there again.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
the name of the club which is not that big he simmered back down again yeah and then reality set in I remember Jim Jefferies one time leaving Caroline's it was like 12 years ago he just looked and he goes I'll see this place on the way back down yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Hi Seth, I'm Joe. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's a good egg. So you saw me in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
My ultimate father. Yeah. Who's that? Carolla and I got shit-faced. Really? Adam Carolla and I got fucking smashed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
We'll be right back. What's Carolla's drink? He was drinking gin martinis. So we end up at this really cool bar. It's like a, I forgot what it's called, but you get to look up airplane bar in Phoenix. It's like set up to look like everyone's dressed like they're a stewardess or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
A pocket? Yeah. I don't have pockets in this. Oh, I do have pockets.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
And I mean, we were, I mean, all the comics made fun of me because they were like, you were in like a bear hug with Corolla for three hours. I was like, I'm fucked up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
So it would have to be 3.5. I thought you were five.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, yeah. He was unleashing some crazy childhood shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
He's got trauma, for sure. Oh, that's just a little rabbit pellet. Oh, there's AI Mark Norman. There he is. It killed, dude. Really? Yeah, him coming out on the skateboard and then just going like... Being killed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
It makes me realize how much of a cartoon character you are.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Oh, the trick didn't go right. I have to say, this wasn't much of a present right here. That's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
For you, some really bad shit, Joe. Huh? For you, some really bad shit is happening after you die.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
You know Jews don't celebrate birthdays. That's true. He was a big time. You knew Silly Billy, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
We did a lot of fun stuff. And podcasts. We did some pods. How about you? How was Seven Shows in Providence, Rhode Island? Classic comedy club. Used to be a bank. Yes. And I love when you can tell it used to be a bank. Yeah, right. That's where the vault was.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
What the fuck is happening? All right, do me a favor.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Any questions, Joe? I had a woman do that to me, but with HPV. It wasn't as good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, buy Bodega Cat, bodegacatwhiskey.com. I'll be in San Antonio January 3rd and 4th, and then Liberty Township, Ohio 10th and 11th, and then Pittsburgh Improv the 23rd through the 25th, and then it's all bus shit, just all theaters and stuff, so Charlotte, Richmond. Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston. Goes on and on. Samuel.com slash shows or just go to Punch Up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Memphis tickets are fucking not moving. So come on, Memphis.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Put out a fire on your job and bring one back home with you. Hell yeah. What do you got, Mark?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
The hobo pissing is what does it for me. Oh, yeah. Good times. And it really is. You feel the cheer. People are in good spirits.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
What an entrance. This is like the most depressing sitcom.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Okay. Can you say it and bleep it? I know who it is already. You already know. I was just trying to poke him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Just say the name and he'll believe it. You got it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Yeah, that's right. He did a great bit about, like, you know, why the environment's fucked. It's because women won't bang guys who ride the bus. Oh, that's great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
By the way, people are going to do the math to figure out how this works. Oh, shit. You're right. He's going down the list. This guy was great. This guy was great. We haven't heard one name.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Well, Mark and I, just so you guys know, the 27th of December, Netflix roast of the year, whatever it's called. Mark and I, we might be making a huge mistake. Oh, this might be great. We're going to go up together and do like... We're going to do like a dark weekend update type thing. Yes. That's fun. I think we're going to work it out tonight at the cellar. We'll figure it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
Everything about my picture is better than yours, by the way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You hear that, Hunter Biden? By the way, Hunter Biden is an amazing painter. Pull up some of Hunter Biden's work.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. All right, maybe it's not great, but Bush was good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Now watch this drive. Wow, pretty good, Bush. Look at the apron. What a cutie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's some abstract shit. This is a lot of drugs talking. This is Hunter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's a good looking dude. He doesn't get his due for his nice face.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Is that like a... The song is just called No Chance. Man, what a walk. He's walking like Meek Mill.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think these politicians, they all skate. Look at Trump. He's going to get out. He's going to be fine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, this is her house now, apparently. But who cares? Is she going to do a good job or not? I don't give a shit about working at McDonald's or you're from the streets or whatever. I mean, she went to private school in Montreal also.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
By the way, it's just out there, I guess, now that Bieber got plowed by like 50 black guys, I guess. What did we think was happening? We were all hard on him. So were they.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Tiger Thick. Oh, it's $60. He lowered it. It used to be 90. Does it cure CTE?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, he's against war, too. So he would just make one phone call. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, it's crazy. I heard there's not enough money for the hurricane people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, completely. I mean, but I feel like this is all we think. When I was a kid, we didn't, this wasn't that big of a deal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, we used to do it with race, like the good old days. Like, oh, you're one of them. Stay out of my neighborhood. Now we can all mix racially and gay, but it's political division everywhere. My family's all split up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, yeah, it's bad. A lot of politics. They just don't like each other.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Totally, totally. And it's weird because a lot of the open-minded, inclusive people are like, get them out of the house. And you're like, well, they just disagree with you. They're not bad people. They just like certain.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's true. You can't let yourself fall into it. Like Elon Musk is like all in. He's just you can tell all day. He's captured by it. And you're like, you got shit to run, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Everyone had their ass wiped and had to be put to bed and screamed all night. Hitler was a baby? Ah, he wasn't so bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Nick Cannon has a huge farm apparently.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, he is a special breed like this. Well, he is way more than a billion dollars, by the way. He's like a Howard Hughes type. You know, he's Howard Hughes disappeared. Oh, that's true. He had the jars of urine. But there was no Twitter. But also in the 90s.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
In the 90s, though, there was like four big things. It was Menendez Brothers, Rodney King, OJ, and something else.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
My point is, I get nine of those a day on Twitter. In a decade, we had four big things. And now we get, and we had Bill Clinton. We had Monica. Yeah. We had Lorena Bobbitt. Okay, we had five things.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But you see my point. Now you get 18 of those a day on Twitter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Or what's-her-face's tit came out at Janet Jackson. That was like the scandal of the year.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, that was planned. They knew what they were doing. She had a pierced nipple on that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So that's not even that bad. I can see the areola a little bit. Yeah, that's weird. Oh, okay. That is a nip. That's a full nip.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, the baby is the hot buff guys who want to go shirtless in a diaper. Or the fat guy. Or the fat guy. That's fun. The fat guy in the diaper is fun. Baby Huey, I like. But when I was in high school, we had opposite day and the boys dressed as girls and the girls dressed as boys. What? Everyone had a great time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Our pet's heads are falling off. That meme was big with the Haitian cat hoopla. Ooh, that's good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This guy's a serial killer. Come on. What are we doing here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Best costume I saw. I've said it a million times. It was when I was a kid at a party in Louisiana. There was a guy in a wheelchair dressed as Superman. And he won. Everybody high five.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. What is it? You're an honest lady. Is it just weak? What do you see?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Come on. I swear to God. Even with the, you know, the arm around his shoulder. Like, that didn't bother you?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, women get so mad if we if we get if we're not into fat women. But it's just like you're not in the short women.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know, you want to see the body parts and not the extra stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, my wife is pregnant now. What? I'll tell you. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's not his, but he's sticking around. It's Greer Barnes. But the sex, I mean, I feel like she's more sensitive downtown.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Four to go. And to keep it? Yeah, it's all down, so we're on the fence.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, or something for the house. Oh, yeah, the new house.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
How ironic is they kill theirs? Yeah. All right. But I will say.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. And they only are allowed three hours a day. And they invented the fucking thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But I will say pregnant wife, she is like... A gung-ho. She's getting everything together because she's in mom mode. So she's like fixing shit. She's yelling at contractors. She's killing it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, no one's touching that, Plumpy. There we go. Cheers, Whitney. Cheers. Hey, it's a 13-year-old.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, big trip. But you're out of the hard part. They say the first six months is the hardest of baby. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You think you're going to be better on drugs? You can only go up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, we've all done that. You've done that. I mean, I've done that, but what, on TV?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But to your point, how about all these teachers out there who are like, fuck a 13-year-old boy in Florida, and everybody's just high-fiving. No one's worried about the boy. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I can smoke, but I don't love it. I take edibles to sleep.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
A little bit. I'll take like a nibble off of a gummy and then I'll sleep like a baby. But if I stay up too late and I get high, I hate it. I just like it because it puts me to bed because I'm awake up eight times a night, but the edible will keep me asleep. But if I don't fall asleep and I'm just high in my apartment, I'm like, I got to lock the door eight times. I got to turn my phone off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That guy's the rapist. Yes, too weak to rape. I don't... That's his M.O.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Right. Well, remember that Bill Burr... Too weak to rape, a dry bar comedy special. Remember that Bill Burr rant about hipster comics? He's like, oh, they're all awkward and weird. He's like, no, you're just... You're all and you don't have the balls to be yourself. And you get to me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
without feathers no no the new one no he he goes on and on about like how he's canceled now and he has to live in france but he's like all these guys are full of shit timothy chalamet blew me all day he loves me but on on screen at the on the news he has to be like oh i i denounced woody allen i should have never worked with him he's like that guy's full of shit he comes clean on everything it's a great wow check it out i'm sorry
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Stepdaughter. Yep. She was Asian. That didn't help. That was too soon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't even know if he did diddle. It's all up in the air.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All right. Well, let me just say, speaking of turds, we'll bring it back to comedy. Yeah. Ari at Skankfest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, sorry. But Ari at Skankfest got naked on a show and took a shit on stage. No. And then took a note out of his turd and it said, I'm doing a Netflix special. So put that in your pipe and queef on it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No way. Not an A. AIDS. Yes. She did get a D in there. Wow. Gave them AIDS. I mean, you got to pass her after that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He had it locked and loaded. He must have laxative himself or something. Yeah, and he was fully nude while shitting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah. God bless him, but Ari, what the fuck? I know. Like, Ari, I love you, but why?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's true, that's true, because I don't think everyone's from Vegas, obviously. They're flying in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Don't act like these are secrets. Name a name. Pablo Francis. He did Keanu Reeves into a vagina.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You were like, should I get a C-section? He's like, cut it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, I'll tell you later. Really? Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say it on here. I don't want you outed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, you know, the divorce rate for lesbians is like 80%. No way. Well, because no one takes the shit, you know? Yes. I've got this designer guy at our new house. You need Ari Shafir. He'll take a shit. Yeah. Well, him and the wife are going at it, and he's like, I will not be talked to this way. And I'm like, oh, you've never argued with a woman. This is the first time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You've had to deal with a lady. And she's like calling him out on bullshit. She remembers everything he said from 20 years ago. And it's pretty fun to watch. And he's like flustered. He's like, I never said that. She's like, I got the text right here. And he's like, well, how dare you? I'll be all this. And I'm like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, his home movies. I'm a survivor. I lost my virginity to a hooker when I was 16. So I guess technically- But you paid for it, though. You paid her, yeah. It was free. She didn't charge me. And look, I was into it. I was the king of high school for six months.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. No, that makes sense. I like that. But you're right. Like, if I'm like, hey, take that off, little lady. You know, that's offensive. But when I walk out of the house in like a leather vest, she's like, take that off. And I'm like, you got it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm a legend. But I'm saying if it was flipped- If I was a lady and that was a guy, that guy would be in jail.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, it's Gankfest, you mean. I don't know. They got some interns out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by CalShe. Think you know who will win the presidential election or how many seats the Democrats or Republicans will win in Congress? Want to put some money on it? Today's the sponsor, CalShe. You can do it. It's the first legal exchange available in all 50 states where you can bet on any event, including the election.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Kalshi has markets on who won the presidential election, Rotten Tomatoes score of Gladiator 2. How many launches will SpaceX have this year? This is unbelievable. I love betting on random shit. You never know. Get on it. I got a bet on if my wife orgasms and bad margins. Not looking good. It's like buying stocks to worry about.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That sounds good. Good money. Right now, Trump and Kamala are trading at about 50-50, meaning if you place a bet on either, you'll double your money. If they end up winning, Kelshi has already facilitated over $1 billion worth of trades. Put your money where your mouth is. Sign up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Using our link, calchi.com slash drunks with an S. And the first 500 traders who deposit $100 will get a free $20 credit. Hey. So click the link in the show notes for $20 in free credits. Act fast. It's only good for the first 500 listeners. That's K-A-L-S-H-I dot com slash drunks. Calchi. You can trade on that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, they're very cool. It was a beautiful thing. The fans are great. They get a bad rap. I did two days. I got to get in and get out because the evil comes out of you. Two nights or two days? Both. Yeah. And they do sock wrestling all day. Yamanika and Doug Stanhope went at it in a sock wrestle in a boxing ring in the middle of the fest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Sock wrestling is two people go at it and they have to pull each other's socks off. Whoever gets both socks off first wins. And it gets wild. Why this? Because it's so fun to watch. Can they do anything? You can do anything. There's no rules.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Who won? Yamanika destroyed him. Of course. Doug Stanhope's like rotten fruit. He's soft and, you know, that was a white sock.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He just did Are You Garbage? What the fuck? How did we miss him? Is he still in town? He would do it, I'm sure.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I did Tony Hawk's podcast, and just walking around, he's like Jack Skellington.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Like bananas. Crazy. It's an individual thing. It's scary. You got to go. You got to take chances. You do the road? Yes. You do the road. You're friends with all the other skaters.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You got the next best thing. And these athletic, you know, comics are all a bunch of pudgy weirdos. You got like a hot athletic. Gritty skateboard.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Pull up the Seinfeld quote on skateboarding. Even Seinfeld likes skateboarding. What? Which no one saw that coming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But yeah. Yeah. Seinfeld said, to learn to do a skateboard trick, many times you've got to get something wrong until you get it right, and you hurt yourself, you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Whenever I see those kids skateboarding, I think, those kids are gonna be all right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Which is funny, because when I was skating, all these old men would be like, Get out of here, you punk piece of shit. Get a job. Get a haircut, you loser. And I'm like, well, this is hard. I'm busting my ass over here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, pre-internet, like, you know, growing up in the 80s and 90s, it was like, this board, you bought it for 50 bucks, and it was all day. You know, you skateboard, you drink out of a hose somewhere, you skateboard for another three hours, you buy a Mountain Dew, you skateboard, maybe get a slice of pizza, and then you go home. Yeah. That was the whole day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah. And we'd film each other and all that. And it was great. It was a great time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somewhere in L.A., but yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's all California these days. But it's the same with them with like, all right, we got to skate here until the security guard shows up. That's like us with saying retard. We'll say retard so we can say it. Then we'll stop saying it when the people yell at us and then we'll go back. But that's why it's so sad when comics get mad at other comics because you're like, imagine a skateboarder going.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I wonder if Epstein is, I wonder if he'll, you know, commit suicide.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but that fist fight in the hotel hallway to me says it all. That alone is insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, this is on the transphobic list of Halloween costumes. Maybe I'll wear this for Halloween. Me as Bill Clinton.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's a little niche, but somebody will get it. Just say I'm Tripoli.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, look at the options we have. Yeah, it's not good. Well, I will say the Walls, what's it, J.D. Vance debate was actually kind of professional. It was nice to see, like, it was an 80s debate.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, yeah, yeah. He did die from it, didn't he? That's what I'm saying. That's why I believe it. He died from AIDS.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's got to be. It's got to be. I don't know. I think black folk have really captured it. Oh, is that so? Oh, in Chicago. This is all they drink.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That and Cavasier and Hennessy. And Malort. And Malort. That's what I'm thinking of. Malort.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't like. That's what I was thinking you were talking about.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Is that a thing? Every white woman who drank it died, I think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Speaking of cure in the throat, what was Hawk 2-a like? Is she cool? She seems fun. She's blown up, huh? Oh, she's blown.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No. And he turned it down. Wow. He said, give it to that N-word. That's his big thing, the N-word. Did you guys see the Vince McMahon? Oh, I saw the first one, the first ep. It's so good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
right felt a little bit like that to me like like they go to chili's like you just picture the writer writer's room being like they should go to chili's like that's hilarious you're like some people go to chili's that's true that's where they eat dinner most of america you know what it gives a pt cruiser right loser you know what i mean well i mean look at nate bargazzi theo these guys really resonate you know because of shit like that and that's most of the people you go on the road and people just want to hear jokes if you're like i have anxiety people in kalamazoo are like shut the fuck up i
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. It's too natural. You couldn't come up with it. You know who's mad about it is the guy who filmed it. He's like, wait, can I get some love? Oh, no, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You're this famous for doing that. People see me in the airport, they're like, tell me a joke. What do you say when you see her? How does that work? What do you get out of her?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
My Twitter feed is all people are like, like all the comedians are like, we got to stop racism. But then all the randos are like, just zinging about. You hear the one about this Mexican? Yeah, they're great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So I just did Montauk with Ari, and he got bitten by a bunch of ticks, and he couldn't eat red meat for like two months. Jesus. So it's no joke.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I remember when Bill Bird did SNL, he had that whole SNL monologue, and it got all this hate, and you tweeted, if you don't like this, maybe comedy just isn't for you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Like, yeah, it's very dictatorial behavior. It's actually quite Trumpian who they claim to hate.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's interesting. But I'm not calling for them to take their heads and cut it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's not that bad. For some reason, if you eat red meat, you get wildly sick. Flamed or something? Yeah. So he couldn't have red meat. So when I invited him to the strip house, he's like, I can't have red meat. I can't come.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, hey, we might be drunk, we're here. The hot one, baby. Oh, yeah. She must work out. I'm trying to think of some lines from that scene.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but he kicked it. I'll shut up. Sorry, you just said... Well, I was going to say, we're talking about young people, fucking them. Now, you're a lady. Leonardo DiCaprio fucks 25 and then cuts it off. We all know that. And every woman is annoyed by that and hates it and calls him a creep. But... Can't he just be attracted to young women and not be an asshole?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I agree. I flew back from Skankfest, middle seat, because I forgot to book my flight. Middle seat in the back. Good. Brutal. I felt like Rosa Parks. Did you get recognized? Of course. Hey, comedy, comedy. Hey, how you doing? You're not sitting there, are you? I'm like, oh, I'm shooting a sketch. Yeah. Brutal. Speaking of airports, what's going on with the bins? They got rid of the bins now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What bins? The bins in the security line. So they're like, hey, take all your shit out and put it in the bag. Put it in your bag. I'm like, my bag is airtight. If I open that thing, it's going to spring out with dildos and shrooms. It's all bullshit. You want me to put loose chains for my pockets and my keys in my bag? The bag is done. That bag, I had to sit on it to pack it, to zip it. No bins.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So I'm just like going through. I have to put all my shit in my coat, take the coat off, put that in the belt. Have you seen this? The no bins?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, I have seen that. That should be the whole plot of Soul Plane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All right. Here's a peeve. How about this one? The guy who calls you, you're busy, so you don't answer. You missed the call. And then he texts you, goes, hey, man, just tried you. Yeah, yeah, I know. Now, the phone has alerted me that you called. You don't need to text and go, hey, I just tried you. I avoided you for a reason. You know, like I'm trying to avoid you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Now you're trying me with a different type of communication.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yes, yes. Just because you text now doesn't mean like, oh, I like this guy now. No, no, I still hate you. I just missed your call for a reason. Now you're going to text me? Hey, you missed my call. Yeah, I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I've heard a lot on the internet about him being a piece of shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Good sign of a godfather. I don't know you that well. Never see you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All right. I kicked her off the couch. We've all been there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, it's not great, but, you know, equality. She could probably take him at this point of his life, though. Oh, yeah. He's a mess. God, he's atrocious. He had the boils on his face when he was young. Oh, some good shit, though. Yeah. Yeah. That's a great quote.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, this is acting. You have to turn it up a bit. Oh, this is not real.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This is Tom and Christina. Oh, man. That's Sam after a bomb. I'm in the same hotel.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think it just bothers women internally because they're older.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
How'd I forget that? It was early We Might Be Drunk days. Oh, okay. Well, we drank on this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, I do. I thought that was Jack Black. All right, now I got it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, man. How about this one? I had this happen to me twice at Skank Fest. I'm not going to say the comics. You ever tell a joke... No one hears it, and then someone repeats the joke, and they get a laugh. Oh, I hate that. Oh, that happened twice to me at Skankfest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Do you think they heard... I think it was subconscious. It slipped because it went under the radar, and then they said it. It was too convenient. They said it like two seconds later, or two minutes later, but... It happened, and they got the big pop, and you don't want to be the guy going, I just said that! That was my line! Because then you look like a psycho, but I was thinking it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's a tough situation. It's a delicate balance. So you don't know what to do, but you're like, Annie got a big laugh. So you're like, oh, that was my thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I should do that like if you have sex with a lady and you're like, okay, that was great. And then some other guy's like, you got to get the fuck out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But you know what I mean? If you pull in backwards, it takes a little bit longer, but you get to pull out straight and you're good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, I guess it's a little bit of a delayed gratification. You know, hey, I'll spend the time backing in, which is a little more of a bitch, but then I get to... What do trans people do? What do you mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Transportation. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. What do trans people do?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Huh. And if they dance, who leads? All right. Good question.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
How many real trans people do you think there are? Because some are real. And then I think some are on the bandwagon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. Yeah, that is weird. Got to make it about you somehow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
yeah i feel the same way with like a dead grandma people like post this long facebook thing about their dead grandma i'm like just go have this with your family let's just talk to her and she fucking raised you wow that's true that's true it's like pity bait or something yes yeah you're using this for clicks you want me to feel sorry for you yes i like certain people i'll take a step further there's people who are like my grandma died 10 years ago today she would have been 103 today well guess what she had a pretty good life
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But my point is if these women, like a 23-year-old woman, became a CEO of some company, everybody would go, good for this woman. Wow, look how young the CEO is. She's a brilliant woman. Would they? No, they'd be like, fuck her. She must have conned her way to the top. I think women would be proud of her. They'd be like a push for women. Like, wow, a young female CEO.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It'll go away. But you have to cower. If you're a victim, now we all have to go, oh, sorry. Now we're on our heels. It's actually quite a good tactic. It's pretty smart.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. So if you go if you're the rock and you're trans, he has to go, oh, shit. What was it? Her Z's are. Oh, fuck. Now he's on his heels. So you're winning.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
A little bit. I don't know about sadistic, but I think it's a power thing. It's there's something to it where like now you've got a famous person or a person who's better than you squirming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And also, they never do mental illnesses that don't make them look like a victim. Like, no one ever goes, oh, yeah, I'm a narcissist. Oh, I'm a sociopath.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know, they never do those mental illnesses. It's always like I'm autistic, I'm non-binary or whatever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
They wouldn't go, hey, her frontal brain isn't finished. But when Leo dates her, her frontal cortex is undeveloped or whatever it is. So how come CEO okay, HPV not okay? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. Now, let me ask you this, because we got to wrap up, but we got to get this out in the open. We got Whitney here. Is it true the kid, your child, is from a stalker? No. Oh, I've been spreading that. Thank you. I'm sorry. How did that get out there? Reddit has gone amok.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I've never met a woman who can't cry, but can come. Yeah. For me, it's always the opposite.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Super cool, dude. OK, we got that out there. The world has been clamoring.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
A little. But hey, it's working out. And you got you got a couple of bucks. So it's going to be fine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But yeah, all right, good stuff. Who looks a lot like Monica Lewinsky, looking back? That was a moment for plump, pale brunettes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We got you in the Paramount Theater. We got you in Denver, Salt Lake City, San Diego, Anaheim, Orlando, Jacksonville, Boston, Ledyard, Connecticut. Atlantic City, Warner, D.C., WhitneyCummings.com, folks. Go see her live. She's all over the road. Now, do you bring the Rugrat on the road?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Nice. Okay, well, I'll be in Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kansas, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. The Poughkeepsie, Bardavon, Torrington, Connecticut, Charleston, South Carolina, Asheville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, Englewood, Houston, and Phoenix, Arizona, and Dallas, Texas. MarkNormanComedy.com, PunchUpLive.com, slash Mark Norman, PunchUpLive, slash Sam Murillo. Where are you going to be, Fetty?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's incredible. That wrestling world is just such a circus of like spray tans and steroids and drug addicts and pill heads. It's a wild time. The plastic surgery just on him alone is bananas.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And these John Mayers, they go on a hinge. They start talking to a girl. She posts their conversation because she's got nothing to lose. So she gets to be like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And that's Winnie right there, unfortunately. Oh, she had a good run.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This is what the Asians do. They take everything we invent, and then they make it all weird.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
You know, Pulp Fiction got some shootouts and some heroin. This one was a little more drawn out. But then once Brad Pitt gets in there and then they light the lady on fire in the pool, it's great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's kind of uncut gems-y, I hear. Anora? Yeah, like it's fast-paced and tense.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, yeah. I'm into her. Anora. Not a great name. She's a hooker? Stripper. A stripper, okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Thanks for going with me on my kiddie porn idea. If we get AI, we're good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Shit. I shouldn't have followed him there. Follow me anywhere. I'm getting a truck. We're going on New Orleans next year. It's going to be fun. My rec is Beast Games. It's tagging on your game. Oh, your kid has got you all up in the Beastmaster.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And it is dramatic. Let me just take a guess at how many views this has. Oh, okay. I'll go. I'm going to guess the latest episode of this Beast Games has...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I love chubbies. I wear their jacket, jean jacket with the fur lining. I wear their pants every day. You've probably seen videos of me in those pants. They're the best going. They don't look too sluggish. That's not a word that I was looking for. But you know what I mean. They don't look horrible. They look great. And they're comfortable. And the shirts are killer. The sweaters are great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I think she had a little longer. She's known about it for a while. But yeah, JP was telling me it just kept changing and morphing. And I was like, we had the same thing with the roast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
For a limited time, our friends at Chubby's are giving listeners 20% off with the promo code DRUNKS at chubbysshorts.com. That's 20% off your order with the promo code DRUNKS. Support the show and tell them we sent you. No matter where the new year takes you, Chubby's has the gear to keep you comfortable and looking your best. Ah, you're good. Hey, how are you, man? We're hungover.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Hey, what's up, Mark? Nice to meet you. Hey, hey. What's up? Good to see you again. Yeah, sit down. We got you a coffee if you want one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Take it off, man. Canadian tux. That's a lot of denim, Jay Leno. By the way, Jay Leno might be the toughest guy on the planet. He got himself caught on fire. Yeah. Doing fine. Then he fell down a hill, quote unquote. Yeah. That's what he says. But they looked into it, and the story does check out. I know. And he's still going, still ticking. What was he doing rolling down a hill? Tripped, I think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He was doing a gig in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, and he was walking down the Hampton Inn Hill to get to the parking lot, and he said— He's a millionaire.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And just his car collection alone has got to be worth a lot. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Oh, yeah. Number three. Number three. Look at that. Another TV show host in blackface. This is rough. He doesn't drink. He's had the same wife since high school. I mean, he's like the most straight edge guy, but he has, I think the cars is like, I want to get laid, but I can't. You just fix shit. So you just fix shit and buy cars. That's my theory.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It is. I have an old car, and it's a bitch. What kind of car do you have? I got an old Beamer, a 1973, and it's a cool-ass car. It runs great, but it just... In New York, I got to maintain it. I got to garage it. It's hell.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, you got to run it. You got to run it. If I learned anything from that jelly roll bomb, you got to run it. The infamous jelly roll bomb. Have you seen this taken off online? I have. Some fucking chooch made a YouTube video like, Mark Norman has meltdown. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I brought it up, Dickless. You're not uncovering.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Goddamn. I know we're just trash and now we're just like, that's fucking... I don't really like old cars, man. God, that's beautiful. Can't go wrong with that one. It's funny how OJ happened.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
OJ happened, the Bronco went away, and then enough time went by and we're like, eh, I'll bring the Bronco back. Isn't that weird?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
No, no, they don't, right? No footage. No, no footage. Oh, thank God. I can't have that out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Oh, I'd rather that. I'd rather be on the island. Put me on that list.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I still think Bronny's better. Dude. Than LeBron. Sleeper. Yeah, exactly. He's asleep for a while. He's going to get out. He's trying. He's got some hot girlfriends. I don't know if that didn't hurt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Oh yeah, I feel the same way about stand-up movies any time you want to stand up and you're like ah That would never happen. No one has lockers in the green room Why are they changing clothes?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And they're all doing blow and hookers, and you're like, we're all crying and sad. Miss Maisel did a pretty good job, but that was about it. That was actually pretty good. That was a good show. Yeah, I mean, a funny woman. What is this, Lord of the Rings? Come on. Just kidding. Nikki did great. Was this fantasy? Nikki killed it. I assume you hooked up with her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
She has a ton of stand-up. I think she has six specials or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
All right, well, don't get married. You like mixing it up. Those days are over. She's pregnant. That's mixing it up a little. That's true. Get the fuck a pregnant chick. That's true. It's not mine. But yeah. Yeah, pregnant. We had pregnant sex the other night. It's pretty wild because I think they feel more.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It might be geared towards the ladies more, maybe not hitting your algo, because it's a lot of like, so then I swallowed the guy's jizz. Yeah, I'm following. No, I'm looking stuff like that up all the time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It did feel like the Taylor Swift jokes got a little like, all right, from the audience. Like, hey, hey, that's our girl, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Sports, fantasy football, and huge titties. You go to my Explore page, it's just twerking, tits, and Norm MacDonald.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, but you did my show at New York Comedy Club, I don't know, 2019? That was 2019, yeah. Yeah, and that was fun to watch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Surprisingly great delivery. You had timing, and you can tell you worked it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, it was good. And not to mention, it's a bunch of fat, bearded, dopey guys, and then you show up, and it's a comic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
The only person who I know didn't like the monologue was Joe Coy. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
all right dude that was a year ago i totally forgot about it that was january 2024 yeah joe poy's a great comic yes how hard this gig is and how much you got to prepare i mean 130 sets look at that writer's room what is that 20 guys what how many people is that i think it takes a certain type of comic though to host it it yes just because you kill in one area doesn't mean you're the right fit for this you know
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. What's that joke in Airplane? Here, I need some light reading. Well, here's a pamphlet on Jewish athletes. You know what was cool for me watching you back in those days was I thought you were full white. So I was like, holy shit, we got one. Here we go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Right. Yeah. I think that might have been Bill Burr. Bill Burr. I think he was in the car, the convertible. Maybe. Yes, it was. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
She's a jokey kind of comic, and I think he's more persona, act out, stories, likable. She's more cutting, and she knows a good joke. She's done a million roasts. Conan's doing the Oscars.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
So good. Bill Burr was in a, yeah, he was in a decent movie. Burr with hair. I think that was a Neil Brennan joint, the Clayton Bigsby. He's your buddy, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Well, you took it seriously. Does it get easier? Oh, yeah, it does get easier. It gets easier. You still can't ever crack it 100%, but it does get easier.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Definitely. And sometimes that does better than the shit you worked on for six hours.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That would be great. What a concept. Funny. A funny host, a funny comedian.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Because Conan was like, oh, we've got to stretch a little bit. Somebody didn't come, so guests didn't show up. So he's like, I got it, and he just pulled that shit like five, six minutes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
This was a pilot. There he is. That's right. That was a young Brennan.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, I watched this in college with, like, 18 friends. It was huge.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. Oh, dude. Ashy Larry, when Wayne Brady said the N-word.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. It was such a loose show, too. There was one scene where Chappelle, he talks up front, and then a girl's tit pops out. Oh, yeah. And they did a whole thing on that. It was like a blooper.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Well, Whitney went for it, too. Whitney had a little more of a QAnon bent, but she had a crazy joke-heavy rant as well.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Oh, yeah. Well, Shaq is funny, but he wants to be funny. So to me, that takes him out of it a little bit. Whereas Barkley seems funny naturally.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
What about the craziest game of the last 10 years, Jimmy Kimmel versus Ted Cruz? Did you guys see that? You didn't see this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He played ball. Who did? Kimmel. Oh, really? Ted Cruz? Yeah. Ted Cruz. Mixing it up with the Brooklings? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Jimmy Kimmel shit on him on his show, and Ted Cruz is like, well, I'm in better shape than you. And then they went back and forth, and they were like, let's do a game. And Cruz won.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He just got a pay cut, too, so that must have been awkward. Like, you're shitting on my network right after I got a pay cut. Yeah, well, he'll be all right, I think. He'll be fine. He's made a lot. He's a Vanderbilt as well. Oh, yeah. He also looks like he's made of icing, doesn't he? He's like too white. It's bothering me. I thought you said you wanted to eat him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Can you imagine seeing her in a Russian prison as a woman? That would have just been a sight. Yeah, I can imagine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's online. It's on YouTube. Wait a minute. It's actually really good form. Yeah. Oh, boy. Anyone else hard? This is strange. Wait. What? Oh, boy. It's like we're showing Blake JFK footage. Back and to the left. Rewind that. Oh, there's the shooter. Isn't she dating a guy now? No. No. Okay. I thought she had a relationship with somebody.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's awkward. I know she's a white lady, but it's like Tiger Woods. You never see a white person in basketball doing this well, especially a lady. I mean, what is he, Thai? Thai and black? Thai and black. Tiger Woods? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I mean, in the last dance when he's playing quarters and they're like, hey, you got to go on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Holy hell. I brought it up. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I had no idea. Yeah. Andy Cohen's a fun guy. I'd like to hang out with him. He's a saucy dude. Oh, yeah. Big fan. He gets after it. He drinks. Uh-oh, is that the brother? Yeah. 35 years ago, my brother Carter Cooper died. I think of him and miss him every day. Well, there you go. Ah, man. All right. He's depressing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, he was a guy. I mean, I would do a theater in L.A., and I'd be doing great, and then I would do one Kobe joke, and they would boo me. Yeah. So, like, I just couldn't, even with all that momentum. In their defense, the joke was about his death, probably. Well, that's true. It was about a helicopter, but yeah. But I really had him in the palm of my hand, and then gone.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
All right, all right. So you're, what, half and half? Yeah. I don't know what the term is. Mulatto? No, you got it right the first time. I think the second's bad. Do you find that in the throws of it, do you kind of go, like if you're in an interview, do you white it up? And then if you're in the locker room, do you black it up?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But thank God for the term. So I don't have to. Yeah. No, you're still racist. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Well, that's my wreck for the week. That documentary, no. I got a rec, by the way. Please.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's gotta be bittersweet to be on a team with great players because you're like, this is awesome, we're gonna win maybe, but also I gotta step it up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
You got anything noodling in the head that some of you are dying to try out?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Idea for an abortion clinic name? Don't kid yourself. That's pretty good. I'll tweet it. That's a good tweet. That couldn't go in my act, but it's a tweet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I saw half of it on a plane. I remember enjoying it, but I haven't seen the ending. Got to finish, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
A therapist, too. The guy's like, yeah. Then I diddle my third kid. Time out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Well, he shits on every goddamn movie. So he better bring it. He better bring it. So I can't wait to see it. It is very good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Well, we had the Boston bombing kid. Remember, he was like a hot kid. He was a cover of Rolling Stone. No, no, we didn't have him on, but we had him in America. He was a big deal. Some people thought he was a hero, but that was way different.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He looks like him a little, right? Yeah, I can see it. Got the mustache going.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I'm telling you, people were blowing this guy. Hitler was on the cover of Time. Well, that makes sense.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I mean, he was timely. You know, this was a big deal. So I kind of get it. Checks out. We're weird about our covers. We actually, if you're on the cover, it's like, oh, we love you. But it could be a bad guy. Yeah. He won Man of the Year, Mark. Did he win sexiest man for a time? Well, hold on. What year was it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I guess so. He carries weight. But, yeah, he's one tough hebe to please, so I'm excited now. He really is. He's a tough cookie. He's Ebert. He's our Ebert. He is our Ebert. Eatbert. Okay, but... I was going to say one more thing about Nikki, but I'll move on. All right, no. I'm growing up. Well, it's going to be about her boobs. But so I'll move on. Look at me moving on. Huh? Count it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, yeah. What happened? Drunk night, cocaine, hookers. Tuesday. Yeah. I think you threw hookers in. I threw hookers in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Great to have you, dude. Fun as hell. Thank you, man. Appreciate it. Thanks for bringing Andrew Tate on. That was exciting. I'm sure you hear that 17 times a day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Ooh, that's a match. Brawny's winning that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I don't know. So basically he's the Hunter Biden of NBA. Powerful dad, a lot of money. Did a few things illegal. He'll get pardoned. Got pardoned, yeah. I don't know. All right. Well, hey, thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me, guys. See you, man. Thank you. Thank you. I can't wait to hear the code switching on the next step. Yeah, so I was with these white boys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
So there's black people. Blake Griffin, everybody. Thank you so much.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But yeah, you're talking Rex. Squid Game is blowing my tits off. The thing about Squid Game is it's wildly violent, crazy murder. See, she was all legs before, and I feel like she's finally bringing the ladies out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I know. That's true. Shit. I'm knee deep in baby shit. I'm crying. I haven't slept, but just got a couple biggies to bring up and then I'll leave you guys alone. Doing casinos because they're a big money grab. You get in, you get out. So I'll see you in Reno and Atlantis. Then the big one in Nashville, Ryman Auditorium. As good as it gets. Can't beat that. Very exciting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
We're moving some tickets. And then the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium in Asheville. Got to make up the date because of Helene, that cunt. Is that Tom Wolfe the writer? I assume. That's pretty cool. Asheville.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
sex wicked yeah yeah i love that one boy she brought out the twins on the the writer photo by the way good lord i love that our friend mike lawrence in the top right the only one who's not in a tux or a suit oh that's right everyone else is dressed to the nines he's in a fantastic four shirt uh he's the best he looks like the homeless guy that got in for the for the bagels uh we gotta give a shit what a what a set that was great and i'm not talking about the tits i know i thought you were talking about is that bonnie
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
We tweaked the movie a little bit. We did a little rewrite. So things are happening. Wheels are in motion.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yes, exactly. This is Salacuse's screensaver, is Nikki's tits.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
She's a friend. I'm saying this as a friend, obviously, but she's always been the leg gal. Hey, look at me in high heels. Hey, look at me in the short skirt. Look at my legs crossed. But she's always had a great pair. And I've known her for years, and I've been waiting for this reveal of like, hey, look, see, it's all leg, leg, leg, leg.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And finally, I feel like the cans are coming out, and it's right on time, if you ask me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Wow, look at that. Yes, that's what I'm saying. It was legs for days. And look, the legs are great. Nice set of stems.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, well, you know what's underrated? Hip to waist ratio. Ooh. That's what nobody talks about, but that's what hits the caveman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yes, you want the hourglass. Because sometimes you see a hot lady, but it's like this. And that really doesn't hit the primal passion, like the... Yeah. You know, and hips are great, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That's true. That's true. You need the in and the out and the waist. But yeah. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
They're just kind of hard. They're hard tits. Yeah, they're fake tits.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I think tits are like wrestling. Yeah, we know they're fake, but I'm still on board. And then real wrestling is great too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
That's true. Fake is cool. That's a good point. Well, at least it's real. Fake took real and made it better. There you go. There's a storyline. There's a storyline. There's a folding chair. There's pink tights.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I'm with you. This is going to be a leap, but I think it's similar to kiddie porn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
They're both great, but... I think these guys go to these fucking nerds and psychos go to these shows and they get it out. They get their evil out, you know? Kiddie porn, I'm not saying I approve of it, and I'm not saying you should go out and make any, but if it already exists and a guy watches it, maybe he's getting it out. Okay, let's change this. A victimless crime.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yep. People die. Suicide, drugs. It's tough. Yeah. Health bills, the health care bills are crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how fucked up are wrestlers these days?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yes. And they're huge men. I mean, like, just to stay in that kind of shape. And they draw on all kinds of roids and T and testosterone and ozempic. Who the fuck knows? I don't think they're taking ozempic. Eh, maybe not. Maybe they're really fat guys. Yeah, but some people want to be a fat wrestler. Like, that's their thing. That's the whole thing. Yeah, like Butterbean or whoever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Thomas Matthew Crooks. Look at this fucking guy. Jesus. That guy's got zero muscle.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah. No neck. Brutal. Yikes. That other guy looks great. Razor Ramon, dude. That guy was cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
He did a doc with Butterbean where he rehabbed Butterbean. Wow. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
What's he called now? Margarine Bean? All right. Yeah, his parents shouldn't have named him that. I think the whole thing's a crock. Country crock. All right. But, yeah, Squid Game. Yeah. It's very good. See, everybody thinks it's murder. It's Asians. There's no diversity. By the way, it is all three of those things. That's true. But it's more. It's got meaning. It's got symbolism.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
It's all about capitalism and society and greed. And here's the cool thing. I don't want to give anything away. Yeah. In the show, in the show, they all have to play these games. Whoever doesn't win the game gets killed. But all the games are kids games that they all grew up playing. So it's kind of like, hey, you greedy cunts, go back to your childhood where you were pure.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
And if you can't, you're going to die. And that's the symbolism. It's like, hey, we got to get out of this rat race and just go back to when we were happy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
But it's such a big production with these sets and the killing and the violence. It's all these actors they have to write for. I mean, it's a lot of moving parts. This guy's aged like Obama. Look at that. He doesn't even look the same. I think it's a hairpiece, but he won the money. He won the last season.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
Yeah, well, he goes back. He's like, I'm going to end this fucking thing. I got to go into the inside and end it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 216: Blake Griffin
I mean, it's worth it just to put on while you're shaving or jerking it or whatever because the games are incredible. It's like a Tarantino movie where the dialogue is great and everything, but you're really there for the Brad Pitt beating up hippies in Hollywood. God, that was fun. That was a good time. Because that one was a little drawn out more than the rest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Hey, we're here and it's happy birthday time. I know, but we're backlogging, so it's my birthday, but by the time this comes out, it's your birthday.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Although I did have oysters with Chrissy D and his partner. We fucking went out. She and I were both not feeling well the next day. I had to do that. I did part of my take. The show, they have a thing called the gauntlet where you have to do an athletic thing where you make a shot, you score a goal, you hit a wiffle ball. And I'm like, I had some real bad diarrhea going into that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And I do blame my performance on a hangover. I was bad, but I wouldn't have been that bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, like every third steak tartare is a guy coming out of the closet. Yeah. Well, that's, yeah, good point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, but you know what? You take the risk to get the greatness. You go to the girl's house to get a blow job. That's what I want out of the tartare. That guy is a bad runny yolk. Yes, he is. He's a bad yolk. Bad yolk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You're going to jump over cars? What kind of career is this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's a great observation. You're not risk takers. We're not like hunters. Exactly. You don't jump out of planes, you know? In our defense, the skydivers are a very peculiar bunch. Yeah. I just saw an article, like, father of four, you know, dies in a skydiving accident. I'm like, oh, you left four behind because you had to thrill-seek? Mm-hmm.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Divorce, man. That's a fuck. Ugly. You see Oasis going back on tour? Yeah. No, they must be broke. One of them had a bad divorce.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, they're like, dude, we gotta fucking, I miss playing. Like, she left you? Yeah, she left. Gotta do it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I mean, he must have just sick lawyers, too, though, because I just talked to a guy at the gym and he told me he lost a shitload. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You know who the next richest woman is? Lauren Sanchez after she divorces Jeff Bezos.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, that's fine. He definitely changed his type up. Yeah. Oh, did he? I mean, she's like a different look. Pull her up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, well, they were together since they were young, and they built it together.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, my gosh. Yeah, what do you think, Sal? He's married a bot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You horny, bro? Yeah. You like that, dude? That's right. .com.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Those are fucking... She's got A-Rod's arms. It's fucking... Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Love is love, Mark. All right, all right. Okay. I feel bad. I feel like I started this. I brought the name up with Google. Now you know. Yeah. I think she looks nice. She looks beautiful.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
All right. I don't think she's bad looking. It just looks like some work's been done.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
She is, I think, younger, isn't she? I mean, she can't be under 45.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It is weird that he buys her anything. It's like, he's that rich, and it's just got to be the most expensive shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I like the three went from us shitting on her to just all being like, I mean, we'd all fuck her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Fertile is really one of my biggest. Dude, really? And crazy. I would. That's like resting fuck you face. Totally. That's resting like, dude, you want that face looking back at all your jokes?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Hold on. Maybe in misery. I got her nude here. All right. I'm eating here. Yeah, it's weird you had it bookmarked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And I don't know what we have here. What the hell's going on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
This is the most diplomatic answer. Dan Levitar, come in here, buddy. Move the ice. No, sit there. Sit right there. Ready to win this football season? PrizePix is the best way to have a little fun. It's the easiest and most exciting way to play daily fantasy sports. Unlike those other apps, it's just you against the numbers, so gameplay is super simple.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
All you do is pick whether a player is going to get more or less of a stat, then watch the game to find out if you were right. Yeah, I mean, this is fun stuff. Who doesn't love fantasy? Who doesn't love a little gambling? Prize Picks even has an injury insurance policy so your lineups stay in play even if one of your players is hurt. This month specifically they also have a cool deal going on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
One Caleb Williams passing yard gets you one win on Prize Picks every week of September. Click the link in our show notes to download the PrizePix app today and use code DRUNKS to get $50 instantly when you play $5. That's code DRUNKS on PrizePix to get you $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even have to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. PrizePix, run your game.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Hey, uh... Should we make a cocktail? We got this new Bodega Cat bottle.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Sure, instant ramen is a quick meal, but is that what you really want to be eating? When you want to save time and eat well, you need Factor. Factor's no-prep, no-mess meals are dietician-approved and get sent right to your front door. With over 25 meal options each week, everything tastes amazing and takes just two minutes to prepare.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Side by side, this looks like the movie Twins. Look at that shit. This is great. I'm so happy with this new look. It's so clean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Just throw Factor in the microwave or on the skillet, and you're good to go. I think this is really good stuff. They send us some stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Really good smoothies. Loved it. Yeah. Choose six menu options to help you manage calories, maximize protein intake, avoid meat, or simply eat well-balanced. Whatever you're looking for, Factor's got you covered. Head to factormeals.com slash drunk50 and use code drunk50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month. That's code drunk50 at factormeals.com slash drunk50.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. Nice. Matt, can we get another drink? Another glass?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, we're going to make you our bodega cat. We just got the new bottle. Hi. Do you do whiskey or no? Nice to meet you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Okay. And we were actually just talking about billionaires, partners, and their physical appearance. We were breaking down Laura Sanchez. We were talking about, and we all started making jokes, and we were all like, we would absolutely all have sex with her. Yeah. And then it went to Grimes. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Let the record state, sorry, that Mark is married. Yes. And he said his number one is Amal Clooney.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
My buddy, Dan Labotard, you know his sports show. Awesome show. Thank you, buddy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Color, yeah. And the shape, too. The shape. It's regal. It's like a 1920s suit. Yes, yes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Okay. Sorry. But, yeah. No, that's... Bostonians are very defensive with that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's where you did your special, right? I love Boston. I'm a big fan of racism. Hates Bill Russell. No, I think Boston has some of the best comedy crowds. Oh, yeah. There's something about that blue collar, like everyone in Boston is just funny. Everyone there is just like, they're like, ah. It's kind of that New York energy, too, where everyone's like, can you believe this fucking shit?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They're always in a state of frustration, which is just funny to me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
We get fired up. Well, you've been in Florida the whole time. He's kind of circumvented the whole ESPN Connecticut thing by just being in Miami, so you avoided all the bullshit. Because everyone has like a short-lived tenure at ESPN, right? Everyone's like in and out. But you're like, you know, you never dealt with, do you think that kept you there longer? For sure.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
This is crazy. Look at that. Who sent us this? What's the other side? Wow, Winnie. Is it this lady who did it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Connecticut's a rough state, man. It is. There's not a lot of hope between New York and Boston.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, I'll have a bite. What the hell? Should we do a... What cocktail? I mean, I feel like it's never a bad day for a boulevardier. What do you think, Mark? What do you want?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
She's hot two hours away from this other chick. From a distance, she's hot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, Miami's not built to be an actual city that it is. It's kind of weird, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Sure, sure. Everywhere you go to get fucked up for two weeks and then you're like, well, this is home.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's kind of weird. But you're from New Orleans. That's kind of got a similar vibe.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
The family calling you the worm. Look, the worm's coming in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You ever shoot a worm? That's fucking... It was a New Orleans bar, Lucy's Surfer Bar. Yeah, I've done it. Shot the fucking worm. Disgusting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
So I shot the worm. Why is the worm in there anyway? What does that signify? I don't know. Anyone know what this is?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, fuck. By the way, someone just tweeted at me, all white guy podcasts are just Googling stuff and figuring it out and talking about it. That's true. It really is what we are. That is true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, you hung over? Yeah. What happened? Give me everything. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it was more the lack of sleep than the drinking. But I had a few Negrons at the cellar.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Him and his dad, both of those going for loose balls. No, he was the fucking best. Did you ever interview Rodman?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
A few Negronis. Should we do, are you having a drink too or no?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
The beast. Yeah, he's a functioning psycho. There was something about Rodman in that Jordan doc where he had to go to Vegas for a few days. That feels very Charlie Sheen. Yes. He could walk up to Chuck Lorre and be like, I need to go fuck a stripper. And he's like, all right, go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Wow, I love that. Who's the craziest dude you've talked to in sports? Like what's the most insane interview you've done?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, your cock shot out like Jordan's flicker in Utah. Yeah, was Jordan, was he cool about it or was he like, shut up?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Tyson. That's true. A-Rod's got a personality, I think. Yeah, that's true. It's not the best personality, but I think he's pretty good on TV, actually. Is he? I think he's pretty good. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
This is great podcast. I'm like, and what's this cookie? Explain this cookie to me, Mark.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He's a sexy man. That's Nomar. Is it Nomar? That doesn't look. No, Nomar's more white looking, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, not as much as they were now. I watch now and I'm like, what's with the chains? Is that not annoying to be running with just chains shooting in your face?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
way yeah good stubborn ignorant well i saw i saw yeah i saw uh rick barry's kid on the olympics and he was shooting underhand i was like look at this fucking moron and he made all of them i was like fucking loser yeah it's a hit rate
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, I think you're right. If he shot like this, but yeah, he still won. True.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
right yeah no i'm totally into that with sport like the kobe stuff where he's in the gym before everybody and then after everybody and all that stuff is fascinating like you're telling me about agassi i love the agassi story i love the agassi book his biography is one of the best biographies of any kind i've ever read it's unbelievable he's so cool man i i just have so much respect for him like uh and that guy who helped him write it's a great writer but uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I think it's easier than anything else. I think I go the other way. That's all we need is a mic. It's like, look, look at, I mean, look, yeah, there's repetition, like any, any form of entertainment. You have to work, but like you're saying, is this harder? Then you pull up a picture of fucking Agassi. That guy lost his whole childhood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You know, like Tiger Woods, like to me, except with some athletes who just, you know, any manual labor job is harder. And then you have, right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I just want to clear that up. I don't think what we do is actually hard in the grand scheme of things. But in terms of entertainment, we're up there for sure. I think Broadway actors up there, if you're like a song and dance person... True. If you're on Broadway, you're doing what, like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
six yeah eight shows a week and wow yeah and like think if you have to do singing and dancing and and you know you're doing like that's that's pretty grueling i think so what what do you think i'm in entertainment what do you think is as brave as stand-up comedy just we're brave at all i don't know if
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I talked to a guy once. He was like, man, I can never do what you do. And I was like, what do you do? He's like, Navy SEAL. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? You realize that's harder. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just the one hard thing about stand-up is...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
that we're on our own boss and we have we have to be disciplined yeah like you don't have a guy being like get that in by 5 p.m you're the dude having to be like fuck i need a new joke at at by eight o'clock tonight or i i failed in my mind and 95 of comics don't adhere to that i'd say Don't have the discipline.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's hard, man. Think of us. A lot of us got into this because we're kind of something's off a little bit. And now all of a sudden, like, I need this thing by this time. And no one's going to tell you that. I mean, maybe at a certain level, once things go well, your agent's like, we need this by this time. Maybe you're working with a producer who needs something by this time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But, like, when you're just doing stand-up, you're the boss. You're in charge. It's all you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You know what the process is. It's just like, you know... A lot of failure. Yeah, like a little, let me see if these work. Let me slide in these jokes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I flubbed the last line of the last joke. But I was already over the lights. I was like, I'm not a dick. I'm not going to run the light.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, first off, I didn't know it was a failure, Dan. Thanks for reminding me. No, I think the rest of the set went well. So it's like you flub one line. I was kind of like, ah, fuck me. Sorry. Have a good night. I don't have the ego to think that I should fuck up the show by doing another joke. I don't want to keep other comics waiting. So that's why I got off. But yeah, I was mad at myself.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's a great club. Smallest green room in the fucking business. That's true. But- It's good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But I just did a set around the corner that was good. And that set went pretty well. So I think...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
you know the new jokes were working and if you make a mistake it's just a mistake you do so many sets you can't just zone in on it and hate yourself yeah you can if you're a self loather like you you but it's counterproductive you know it's it's not helping me yeah a hint of self loathing is great but once you just are like fuck me i'm a fucking idiot it's like no they had fun i could tell they had fun so i you know
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I was also a couple Negronis deep at the time. That might have been part of it. That's part of it. The calm in that moment. Yeah, no, I'm mad when something misses, but that was a joke I know works. Think about how many sets we do a week. It's like in the grand scheme of things, it's this. It's this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He wasn't. Oh, God. I lucked out. His uncle died, so I didn't have to see him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
What do you got for me? Let's go. I have a lot of questions because you brought up the Burr thing with Burt Kreischer, kind of an interview that went off the rails a little bit. So I want to know who are athletes that you've interviewed where you're like, man, this guy sucks. I can't get anything out of them. They're brutal. Yes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm sorry about your Uncle Vinny. Thanks for having me at the club again. It was a great time. Yeah, my Uncle Vinny. God, it's a great club.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
oh yeah that's what chris rock goes to work out is it man i just i just got to walk with him for a while because we just were at a uh at a screening for a movie and we were walking a few you know a decent amount of blocks together and like holy shit like we get stopped occasionally yeah when you're walking with someone that famous you're like holy shit yeah even if they notice you they don't give a shit
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, they get paid a shitload of money, though. That's true. I agree with you, but when you're getting, like, Supermax deals that are, like, 200-something million dollars, like... their argument is probably like, well, you're representing our face.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I mean, think about, like, you farted on podcast guests. If you're in the NBA, they'd probably be like, could you dial that back? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, I would never. I was just, you know, I like people to know what's coming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah. None of it's, none of it's real, but a good cocktail. I love, I love a boulevardier man. So you answered if people are bad interviews, is anyone just a straight up dick where you're like, I'm not having this guy back on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
We'll never get an Oscar, but we might get Cracker of the Day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
No. They're like, oh, holy shit, that one's better right there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Bring it on. I'll hit you with a tell. Yeah, I'm trying to think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
People have bills, I guess. It's expensive probably living without Pacino. I don't know, but Heat was on TV yesterday. That movie's still fucking fun. So fun. It's a good time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm a 10 at the Stress Factory. In Manhattan, I'm like a six.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I don't know. I'll look it up. I just started watching Danny Collins based on the churning wreck. It's actually pretty good. It's 2015 Pacino. That's the late stage Pacino. Nine years ago.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm looking forward to an all-female Call Me By Your Name. That'll be cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, you gotta love Gerwig. Also, it says that Heat inspired that North Hollywood shootout. It did? Okay, thank you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Wow, I didn't know that. That's fucking, that's horrible. Yeah. Remember they made that movie Elephant? It was just a school shooting. It was Gus Van Sant. It was literally just Columbine. It's fucking brutal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, but it's a lot of woods people, too. Do you have a peeve?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's Johnny Fish. Our buddies have a great joke about this. I'm the one on the right. Who's the one on the left?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They're fast-paced people. Yes, yes. All business. There's an intensity to these people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yes, the food's great and the service was tough. That's how they got us in the war, man. They were crafty. Different angles. They were good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, we wanted oat milk too. Well, I'm in the fucking toilet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's hard to check your phone when you're holding two bags. That's right, or five bags, which is what it usually is. I'm with you. I think let me know in advance. I got to peeve. I'm working with someone, and she starts every sentence with, let me figure out how we're going to do this, or here's how we're going to do it. There's always a big buildup to what she's going to say.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Hi, Sam, Mark, and the We Might Be Drunk pod. Thank you for the share of my little sketch of Winnie. Here is the original sketch. Sorry about the other side on the back. I use every inch of paper to save money. Whoa! Every inch does count. We Might Be Drunk is one of my go-to pods to listen to, and it would be amazing to see the sketch in the studio.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
By the time the conversation's over, it's been like eight minutes of her just leading up to shit she's going to say. She says nothing. circle talk circle talk circle jerk but if talk but she's going uh he goes okay i'll tell you what's going on next i'm like just say it i'm with you why do you need the fucking drum roll we don't need the preamble yeah yeah just say the thing Yeah, I lost it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I was literally on the way to the subway. I had like 10 minutes to have her do it. She said nothing in those 10 minutes. And finally, I'm going on the train to go, get to it. And some guy looked at me and he's like, ah, I was like, sorry.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
No. Actually, it's probably good. It means she has a low self-esteem. She's in the hot group with low self-esteem.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Wasting my time is mean. Just because she's got a nice delivery system, it is mean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's also... Good point. I feel like it's never used. Like, you never hear, like, a Holocaust scenario. Like, I feel like it was in 6 million. That would be a good use of it. You're like, look, I don't think that happened. I feel like it's not true, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I think it's incorrect, actually, Matt. I think she blends in and thinks we're not going to notice.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
The Holocaust was pretty bad? Guy who has to say it with a question mark. Can I just say this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's everything they say about showbiz. You can't take no for an answer. You can't go into Czechoslovakia. Watch me. Yeah, he did his own way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Don't get me started on... I do do too many Hitler jokes. I feel like there's one... Idiomine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's nice when you're a dictator and the movie about you, the actor, wins an Oscar. That's all you can hope for. That's got to feel good. They'll make a Castro movie and you just hope the guy can deliver.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's like the only dictator movie with laughs in it. Can't think of another. The dictator, the great dictator with Chaplin.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
In 2012, Sacha Baron Cohen turns his red carpet romp into a three-picture deal. Hold on, where is it? So why did he ask it? He just didn't like his movie?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You gotta fucking hate yourself at the end of the day, though, if you're the producer who's squashing Borat. Yeah. You're the guy who's just like, it's not gonna work, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Oh, it was on Amazon. Yeah. Whenever they take like 10 years after, though, it's like, you gotta strike while the iron's hot. You gotta, you know. But he made a lot of great shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I mean, that was kind of dicey then. That's true. It's their only movie where the main guy is not likable.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And people are starting to do your voice so much that it becomes annoying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
yeah you know it's like when people are just doing like the the snap and all that you're just like all right just let him fucking do it he's he's doing it well yeah well seinfeld has that like everybody what's the deal he walks into howard stern they're all like jerry what's up with microphones he's gotta be like all right i got it but it's been 30 years of that shit and he takes it pretty well yeah but that's part of being that's part of changing comedy true is he jerry changed comedy
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Do you judge it? He had that time. He probably just didn't like any of the jokes enough. He's a perfectionist. When we talk about self-loathing, Dave is just very... He's very much like, fuck this joke, fuck this... He has stuff that's enough. It would be better than almost anyone's specials, and he flushes it down the toilet. So when you say he couldn't get to 40, of course he could have.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That was him trying to be funny, I think. And it was funny, him playing the recorder for the last minute or two for the Seals, but...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I mean, Pryor put out 34-minute albums. Oh, did he? I think time is overrated. Like, good is good. I'll be honest, when a movie is like 90 minutes, I'm like, fuck yes. I'm so happy when a movie is not. Like, holy shit, you ever just look at a movie's runtime and you're like, fuck you. I know. You couldn't tell three hours and 45 minutes. Every once in a while, it's a masterpiece.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But every once in a while, I'm like, dude, you couldn't get it done in two hours.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
They go so hard to make... I guess when you make the other guy a bigger asshole, you're kind of like... I watched this movie I'd never seen over the weekend called Carnal Knowledge.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, we couldn't put it together without that. Also, here's a little spoiler. When De Niro in The Irishman says he likes to paint houses, that means kill people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You don't watch him. And I like the Irishman. I love Scorsese, dude. I didn't love the Irishman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
act was incredible i thought the last like yes the last like hour was incredible i thought but yeah let's see that was equally long it was maybe longer it was like a record breaker yeah but at least i felt like wow that was like that hit me at the end i mean just the like you die alone like that that that ending was more powerful to me as opposed to like i got i i at least appreciate that this was a story that was uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, he did one of the shows on your network, though. He did Pablo Torres, I think. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, never seen it. It's fucking good, but it's like... It's hot. Yeah, Nicholson is just a fucking poonhound in that movie. Oh, yeah. Prime Jack Nicholson just being like all he cares about is pussy. Yeah. And not a great guy. Yep.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
What if it was a white player with a gun? That's pretty easy to sell to white America.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
What if we get Cooper Flagg just holding up a gun? This is fucking, I don't see anything wrong with this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You really want me to do this? Yeah, give it to me. Every 10 years, it just gets worse for them, basically. And by the end, it's Garfunkel. He's dating a 17-year-old. Yeah. Some of this shit you see now, and you're like, eh, that's kind of rough.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
it's not easy to explain i don't i don't know dude andrew tate said if i don't vote for trump i'm gay so i'm like it's tough yeah you don't want to be gay that's the angle they're taking now they're like you want a fucking lady president you're fucking gay dude it's like that's not like and you're like holy shit this might work on a lot of the country yeah i don't know man more pussy to look at
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
We actually have to wrap in less than five. What? I know. We have a dinner to get to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I mean, he was controversial. Michael Jordan said back, at least I didn't hit my wife. Oh, did he? Yeah, Jim Brown, no?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
No, Jim Brown was good on interviews. It's interesting. I saw him on Dick Cavett once. I was like, damn, he's really insightful and a great interviewer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I heard a stat about him that was insane. He never ran the ball out of bounds in his whole career.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It doesn't seem enjoyable. It seems like you're just like nutting someone, then you're just like, fuck, all right, let's get going again. I got 10 minutes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
It's like the draft combine. You're just like, fucking get back to this. Fucking go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's really it. He's like bummed. She's going abroad or something. That's right. And he's like, what the fuck? And it's like, you didn't see an end in sight here? Yeah, it's a fucking tough one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Would Rick Fox throw down? Rick Fox was willing to, yes. He seemed like a tough dude. For a pretty guy, he seemed like he would fight. Pull him up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Because he cares about the environment, maybe gives him an out. He's that famous. I don't know what it is. Why does he? I guess he does get some shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I appreciate that. You're a good man, and you're great at what you do. Watch and listen to Dan's show every day. When does this come out? September 22nd. Okay, so I'll be in Europe. If you're listening, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam. We added shows in Paris and Amsterdam. Hell yeah. Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm, and then I've got Cleveland in November. At Hilarity. I'm not going straight there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm not doing that Stockholm-Cleveland fight. Stockholm Syndrome. Yeah, but then it's punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. Punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where are you going to be?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
We can break the fourth wall. We can fuck around. Yeah. Yeah, this is kind of the set. So, yeah, you hope. And, you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Winnipeg and Amsterdam. So Winnipeg's basically here, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for listening, guys. Thank you, guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I think he's got a guy doing background checks. They're at a party. It's like the way De Niro and Heat had Jon Voight, and he was like, where's the guy staying in the hotel room? I think DiCaprio's got a guy who's like 8, 25, 99, and he's like too old. Doesn't work for me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm going to stir with this thing right here. Sorry, sponsor.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
And if you want to give me a sneaky shout-out, that'd be amazing. My name is Glyn. My Insta is GlinkTattoo. Glink! G-L-I-N-K tattoo. Okay. At Glink Tattoo. And if you're wondering what the hell is Glink, it's a plan of words with my name, Glenn, and Ing. All right, we got it. Here we're writing a script for a movie. Do you have any advice on writing a script or a pilot?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Boy, cookies are unbelievable. Who gave us those cookies, Matt? Hey, nice one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You wouldn't be getting dinner if it's not for Vito. He's like, what are you doing Tuesday? I'm like, all right, I'll fucking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I feel like you wouldn't eat on the road if it weren't for Vito. You wouldn't be going out at all.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
There were a lot of hotel lobby apples before Gary came along. No, he wants the finest. And it's like, it turns out it's fun when it's with someone else. If I were alone, going to a fancy restaurant doesn't do much for me. My only, but occasionally on the road, I do love finding a cool hotel bar, getting to Manhattan. Love it. And a beef tartare and just getting shit-faced.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
That's like my go-to order if I'm like, if I'm solo on the road. But like, yeah, I mean, it's also like when you're a young comic, you're just like, let me fucking see how little I can spend.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Tell us about this dinner. Who's coming? Oh, it's a packed house. We'll see. I don't know everybody. I think I know most of the people.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
This is for Vitor more than it is for me. Yeah. We're going to push this on Vitor. Here's the thing. They surprised me last year. So I was like, they're not going to get me again. Because I've never done these things before. I'm not a birthday guy. So I've never. I thought my girlfriend was just taking me out. She was like, oh, let's go to this restaurant. It's really cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I was like, I don't want to go out. She's like, just go to this fucking restaurant. I was like, nah, I'm good. And she's like, I need to go to the. I was like, all right, fine. We'll go to your. So, of course, I show up in like a bad mood. I'm like, fucking. Oh. And then I'm like, why the hell is Sal Volcano here? You know? Ah. Ah. Just like looking around. It's like, you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Well, when I showed up to that girl's place and she's blowing me and the guy was just there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Surprise. Yeah, not a good surprise party. No. I haven't liked surprises ever since.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He was pushy about me being either in or out. Oof. And I was like, I mean, you got to give me, I'm an indecisive person. I can't decide which jacket. You're like that too. Yeah. You're like, which jacket is the right temperature? You don't want to regret it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
He starts butt fucking you. He's like, you said you were in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Did he say he just wanted to watch or he wanted to join? I didn't ask a follow up question. I left. Now watch. I wasn't like, hold on. Let me get the ground rules set here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
No. I remember I told Dave Smith right after it happened, and we were just drinking at the bar together at Caroline's, and he goes, I would have fucked him. Him? Yeah. He was a younger, drunker Dave. Maybe he said, I would have done it. It was something like he kind of laughed it off, but then he was like, I think I would have done it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'm sure he's half fucking around, but I mean, yeah, that was a weird, weird day. Yeah. He just walks in on you. She set me up. I mean, if I did that to a woman, my career would be over. That's true. Good point. If I was just like banging a woman, I guess a woman coming out is not as scary, but it's not great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I'd say listen to the churning episodes because they actually made a movie. Yeah. Mark and I are still working on it. I heard we got some buzz.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
No, I mean, I remember he was washing. The door swung open and she was just sucking me off. Talk about going from hard to like a semi.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
You're still kind of hard because your dick's in a woman's mouth and I was young enough that that was still all it took. But I remember he was just staring at me, and I was just like, he goes, are we going to do this? And I was like, do what? And he was like, her? I was like, you got to like... Yeah, give me a heads up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
But I met her in like... Where I met her, she seemed really innocent. I remember I kissed her. I got fucking hammered on the date. And I remember I kissed her in a cold New York winter. And she was like, oh my, I didn't expect that. And I was like, oh, she's like a very innocent, upstanding member of the community.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, we're going to a bar. We're getting a fucking beef tartar.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Maybe we will. Maybe we will. Yeah, I don't know. This is such an underrated cocktail. We're doing an RTD for this. I just wish the name didn't sound so fucking hoity-toity.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
I think we rename it. We just have to put a spin on it. We just have to do one more thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 198: Dan Le Batard
Yeah, and the late feels better. Damn, dude. Yeah, that looks fucking... Although, you ever have a bad one? Holy shit, that'll fuck your day up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Because you got a big movie up. You got to go on a press tour, right? So you're like, fuck. That sucks. The press tour?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Barack Obama. Yeah. We started out, you know, bad. No, my friend Gary Veeder just saw me spacing out during an open mic sit at Maui Taco. And he goes, this fucking asshole's not listening. That's how I met him. Really? And we were on a show the next night. And he goes, I'm really sorry. And I was like, no, I get it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I think it's crazy that you had no one to look for what you want as a career. People don't really get paid for this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, that's what it would cut that out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It's weird. I feel like they look bad, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But I think the deal in our head at this point is like we're trying shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, it still feels bad, but it's like, you know, did I get a new bit? We were honing a joke, joke, joke, joke set for like a week for this roast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And we were really like, you have to really be hard on each other because we'd never worked together on a set.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Really? So we're like, yeah, we've never gone up together. So we're like, we'll just like that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Sonic is kind of crazy it took this long to make a Sonic movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
As a kid growing up, I liked it, but I'm a younger brother, so my brother would make me be Tails.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Even the greats have a low batting average, though. I mean, we were talking about the other. We'd throw jokes that we thought were hilarious to each other out, and it would get just nothing. Yeah. I had one that I was like, maybe that's a bit. And the line between truthful and too mean is so thin. Yeah. I had an article that wasn't working that he thought was funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It was about Luigi and about like, we were doing all these topical jokes. Oh, just recently then? Yeah, it was last week. Yeah. Remember that one? You were like, that's got to be in because it hit. And then the next show, they looked at me like I was the biggest asshole in the world where I said, you know, women, you know, you like all these bad boys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It was like Luigi Mangione and the Menendez brothers. Like, you're like, these guys are hot. I'm like, maybe that's why you're so mad that they're taking away a woman's right to choose. You choose horribly. Oh, God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And how'd it go? The first show it killed. And then the second show they were like, what? Are you guys the barometers for each other?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
cooperative that's amazing not just is this funny but is this hack has this been done right does someone do this angle but like you know you're doing when you see a perfectly honed joke like there was trial and error it didn't just come out perfect that thought i mean because we're so numb we're so numb to what we didn't we don't realize how offensive some of the jokes we're telling are because we just don't we were like yeah you guys are your own audience yeah yeah yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But then he'd leave and I'd get to play his and I'd be like, oh, this is kind of cool. Oh, that is cool. Sonic's, hey, it was legendary. The best.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But we were trying out jokes where they were like, like we had a couple of Stephen Hawking jokes where they're like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? And we're like, oh my God, we thought that was just like a funny play on words. I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It's like you do figure it. That's why we still do the cellar because like some comics get spoiled with their crowd and then they. Yeah, I agree. It's like, no, you want to make sure you're still just funny to the masses.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I mean, we were on a flight. That was great, just being on a flight. I mean, the people next to us must have thought we were the worst human beings. Terrible mean jokes. Literally, Jeff Ross is revealing he has cancer on this thing. He's okay. In real life? Yeah. What type of cancer does he have? Colon. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But we're bouncing cancer jokes off each other because he wanted us to roast him for the cancer. Really? Yeah, he was moved by the fact that we could roast him. Is he in remission?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
yeah he's he's they're cutting the last chemo sure so he's okay yeah i mean there were so many cancer miss jokes too oh yeah oh really yeah yeah we're just but yeah i mean uh we're just like what does jeff look like a lump yeah right then you're like you look like a lump and like a lump women are terrified to find you in their shower joke you know so we're just bouncing bits like that imagine hearing that in first class
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah. I mean, what kind of stuff, when you guys talk, what kind of stuff do you talk about?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Wow, they look like shit. That's a different mother.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It is crazy. I remember I was doing an interview thing at the Big 3 tournament when that started, the NBA thing. Oh, yeah. Who'd you interview? Ice Cube? Everyone, yeah. That's so exciting. And everyone was like, oh, cool, that guy. Oh, Kenyon Martin. This guy was a good player. Great. He's a good player, right? New Jersey Mets.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But then Allen Iverson walked in, and it was like that, where everyone was like... Yeah, dude. Oh, really? It was that type of energy. Yeah. AI is definitely a league above. I mean, he's a superstar. You get a little starstruck because it's Alan Iverson.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
They're kind of getting a little squabble, but they're both funny, and it's good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I just watched one where he has this long scene with Gloria Steinem and it's so painful.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah. And there's this long talk and he's just like, I just want you to know I'm a feminist. I think women can do anything men can do. He goes, men, you know, we're a little bit stronger. You know, has to throw that in. And she's just in hell for like that whole minute. And then she walks away and he turns to his receptionist and goes, she's got a great ass.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
great ah so good that is so funny he's an amazing actor yes this holiday rush is stressful enough on you and your online store don't make it harder on yourself by having a horrible online checkout switch to shopify and have a stress-free season nobody does selling better than shopify they're the number one checkout on the planet they've even got shop pay that allows your customers to save their payment and shipping info and boost conversions up to 50 percent
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
No more losing a sale because someone had to get up to go get their credit card. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. That's all there is to it. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Gymshark uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash drunk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
That's another thing we cut from the roast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
We should have gifted you YouTube premium. Why did we give you a freaking Theragun?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
A lot of those kind of awkward, just let it play out scenes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
house. It's his living room. Is there like a British thing to wear the muscle to you when you don't have muscles? Because that was like a Simon Cowell thing, too. Oh, yeah. Going through his fridge.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
He's so fun. I mean, what was your relationship like with him?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
That was a weird game. Just a horny, chubby guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're a kid. You're like, I'm supposed to be.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
My favorite. Every doc he's made on comedy lately has been Apatow. Yeah, Apatow is so good, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I gave him the brief rundown that it was not good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
We have a lot of comedy nerds. All right. Good, good, good. I mean, an incredible standup too. We haven't talked about a standup. He was so strong. If you haven't seen the Larry Sanders show, that's your rec for this week. You got that right. Great show. Amazing show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
No, we never did. This started after he passed, I think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, we just had Spade on, and we should have asked. Oh, yeah. We should have asked some more Norm stories. Colin Quinn. Oh, my God, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
The sports games are crazy now because not only do you get to play as the players, you get to be a GM. That's right. That is like, as I'm older, that's all I want to do, by the way. I'm like, I want to rebuild the Knicks. I want to make some moves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a kid, it was like NBA Jam to like NBA Live.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
What are we doing here? This is great, isn't it? August 29th.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, no, you're butchering it. But it's like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, no, you're butchering it. It's hilarious. I would have done better. It's his delivery is what makes it. Pull it up. Are we watching too many videos?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Do you guys watch a lot of videos usually? Not usually, but this is fun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Peter's is on fire. We can get rid of Salick. Salick is canned.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I mean, that's a brilliant... You're kind of mocking the idea of parades. That's true. It's kind of taking down the idea of like, well, you were born this way. I mean, it's good to like, you know... I don't know. It's an observation I hadn't heard. I love that, and I loved... He's so funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I think it'll be edited to be hopefully good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And that joke is amazing, too. The funniest people ever, but also knowing when to be the straight man, like a great host. But I was going to say the Norm joke from his last Letterman set. Oh! When he did the Germany versus the world.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I think he's not good with emotions, man. You can't look people in the eyes. Yeah. What are you talking about? Mark wrote me a very long, I was shocked the message you wrote me yesterday.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Check it out, dude. You didn't even look at him. I'm sorry I didn't look at you for that. We appreciate you very much. Because it must have been awkward for you to give a gift. I'm not good at gifts. I'm good at getting gifts. I'm not good at giving the gifts. I'm bad. I hate receiving gifts, too. I mean, getting, like, picking them out for someone.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You owe me a long message I was shocked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Let him get this out. This is good. It was a text this long, which was all how much he appreciated building this thing with me. And I was like, oh, wow. You're not like that. No, it was surprising. Do you think you're changing a little bit as you get older?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I think you are. I think you're more comfortable with your feelings than you were. Guys, I have cancer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Those shoes they wore, like, pull up. Like, Walt Frazier would play in Pumas.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
This was a recent peeve of mine that in the business type emails, thanks for understanding. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You crushed it, but they're going a different way. They're an executive. They could give me something. I know. They're such a big fan.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I mean, we praise David Tell no end on this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And then you're like, what the hell? They're dunking with them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Do you have any recs otherwise in Larry Sanders? Because sometimes we do recs on this show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
So many killers in that writer's room.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Dan Harmon must have been fun to write.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Ted Williams was a fighter pilot. There you go. Joe DiMaggio lost like three years of his prime to just like be like a guy who would go like hit balls around for the troops. Really? He lost three years of his prime. He had to come back and be like, you know, and you're like, DiMaggio should have better numbers. It's like he was, he lost.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Remember Frost Nixon? That was a cool movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
We thought it would be funny if we ended it by being like, oh my God, we're going to get canceled. And we pretend and Mark picks up the phone and then goes, oh shit, Trump just made a secretary of agriculture. Oh, that's good. That's funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Did you want to be on SNL at the time?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
People served. You were supposed to. That was like back in the day when you got a bad look if you didn't serve, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Pull it up. You've been in so much stuff. I mean, yeah. What do you get recognized from the most? Is it Parks and Rec?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I took a lotto ticket to be Hank Azalea.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You wrote the movie, Yorma the, what's his name?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And so you, what kind of comedy is it? They haven't announced it yet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I know. You've got to put a Dr. Scholz in there just to walk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I did a Letterman thing, but it was on Netflix, like one of those sit-down things, and it was- Wait, you did his interview show? Yeah, it was- That's enormous. Pull it up. It was stand-up. It wasn't like the one that Obama did. Kardashian. He did one for stand-up, so you do a stand-up segment, and then you'd sit down and talk with him, and it was like... I know exactly what you're talking about.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It was insane. I mean, that was one of my lines. I was like, you went to... He goes, when do you think you'll know when you made it? And I'm like, I'm talking to you, dude. dude. I agree. And I said, I'm like, I'm like, well, where are you going to be in a couple of years? I said, you went from Obama to me. Are you going to be talking to a crackhead?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
He was so cool. I did a thing during COVID where I just filmed a special on rooftops in New York. Oh, that's great. So he was like, what's that called? It's called up on the roof. Great. But he, uh, Dude, this is crazy. He was crazy. He was crazy cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And it's funny talking to a guy from that era because he doesn't understand how we have to make comedy now because he came up in the 70s, 80s when you just wanted to get on TV. But he goes, for stand-up, we wanted a sitcom. And I was like, yeah, but they don't really do that often anymore. It's impossible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
because he didn't understand why I put a special out for free. I was like, well, because we make the bulk of our money touring. So he was, I think, just, you see why he's the best interviewer, because he's so cute.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
The flying coach. They weren't doing charter. They were sharing hotel rooms.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I love Colbert. I was in college. I was an intern at his show, The Colbert Report.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
any run they need. I bet people were nice there though, no? Yeah, and he was incredible. I was there when he threw water in Richard Branson's face. Pull it up! Richard Branson pulled, and you could hear me saying, fuck, no. But you could see Richard Branson got mad during the interview, so he just takes water and throws it in his face. And Colbert, he got water back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
He waved over for his producer to bring water and he threw it back in his face. And I was like, this ain't a bit. This is weird.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
No, I think he would fuck with people on that show. I mean, that was kind of what was incredible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I know. They got their first year of charter because of Caitlin Clark. Oh, yeah. Congrats.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah, I mean, he was kind of- Oh, I can't wait to see this. He was kind of messing with- I mean, it might not be online. Whoa, scrubbed. But he was- Oh, I guess he came on a late night show. No, it's not on his late night show. It's on Colbert Report. Well, at least he came back. They rekindled. Yeah. There you go. But it was a tense moment where I was like, that is bad. Damn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
So was he a dude, were you watching like Stranger with Candy and Colbert Report?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
And were you ever on with someone where it just didn't vibe at all? Because they did the two guests, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
now we did cordon i think once each i did it twice twice i was i did stand-up i wasn't a guest and that's got to be terrifying no they were the most produced and because that lives on forever like and you're but can you use those on a special after or no yeah you probably could use them if you want i don't think i used all of them but i didn't either but i used some of them and uh you know he was one of the coolest in that he would be like this is not normal what this is but not everyone does this he'd
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Yeah. It's not normal what's about to happen. This guy's doing standup at 5 p.m. Yeah, dude. For a studio crowd, give him everything. And like, dude, not everyone does that. That goes a long way for a young guy. I love Conan. I'm a huge Conan guy, but he would just be like, you're next guest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
My brother loved Conan so much that that kind of became...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I cut a WNBA joke from the roast because they said that they own the material. I'm like, I'm putting that in a special.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I love the crowd. I love the. Showbiz of it all. That's not normal anymore, I feel like. Podcasting's great, but I miss, I turn it on so much harder when there's a crowd there, and I miss, I do miss that. Like, even doing a live podcast when there's a crowd. Oh, I bet it crushes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Hot. Is there anyone that you've wanted to meet that you haven't met yet?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I'm a fucking annoying, I love film noir so much that like, I'll throw like 1940s movies at you. Oh my God. So like, Out of the Past. You're begging to go on Letterboxd. Well, I love... Those are like my two... Double Indemnity and Out of the Past. Oh, Double Indemnity is amazing. It's just the most perfect script ever. It's an incredible film.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But then like Guilty Ple... Like Back to School makes me laugh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Rodney Dangerfield is a great... Of course. I love... Fuck, man. There's so many... If Fargo's on TV, I'm always watching Fargo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Dumb and Dumber is awesome. Dumb and Dumber is a top five movie of all time for me. It's perfect.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It's great. Yeah, there's so many. Any badass throwback, if a Michael Mann movie's on TV too, it's impossible not to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
The premiere. It's so fun to still go to the theater, man. So yeah, support this movie so they can keep making more. Check it out. Oh yeah, my tour. That's a P when people say support. Go see the movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Support. He's not fucking homeless. He's crushing. He's in the theater.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I wasted two bits on this because I just want to make sure that our set was good. So I was like, it's a Pete Diddy joke. I'm like, how long am I going to tell this? And then an Epstein joke that I'm like, I never tell this. There you go. I'm seeing a theme with your stand. I know. Jesus Christ.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It's one of the most beautiful, I mean, just on the water.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But there's really no one you can complain to about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Go see Ben on tour. Check out Sonic 3. Yes. And thanks for joining us. Thanks, guys. How fun. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey, by the way. Is that yours? That's ours.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Where are you going to be? I don't know. i'll hear it all right get it up what do you got what oh i got san antonio uh january 3rd and 4th i'm doing clubs to warm up for this tour san antonio 3rd and 4th i got uh liberty township ohio the following weekend pittsburgh improv the 23rd through 25th and then it's just all theaters charlotte richmond philly's so fun to play bethlehem
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Jesus Christ. Well, you know. Take it down a notch. By the way, you're in a movie I enjoyed called Standing Up, Falling Down. Did you see a movie? Shout out Pete Horry for writing that. Pete is the best.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Memphis. Memphis, we're moving slowly, guys. Come the fuck out. Knoxville.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Oh, I'm pumped. Yeah, I heard it's great. Portsmouth, we added one there, so come check it out. Portland, Maine, Burlington.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Fuck yeah. I'll give you Rex for a bunch of these cities. Please. Hell yeah. Montreal, Buffalo, and more and more, but that's Albany. Punchup.live slash samorell or just samorell.com. All these, so many. I'm moving to the West Coast, too, so you'll see if you don't. Are you touring now, too? In here, your city.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah, everybody. Do it up. Have a great, we'll see you before the New Year, but thanks for listening, guys. Support, support. I'm going to say it again. I'm an idiot. Go see Ben's movie and go see him on the road. Thanks, guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
We did it at the club and it killed. And then we did it there and it got, we didn't have a phone. We forgot to bring a phone up. So the actor Simon Rex is in the front row. So you asked for his phone? So we said, Simon, can we have your phone? He just gave us his phone. Oh, that's cool. And you still have his phone now?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
It makes no sense that you have to bring people at the beginning. Because I'm bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
We're here with Ben Schwartz. He's promoting Sonic 3. Whoa. I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Of course. But it makes no sense for us, I'm saying. But you found improv and sketch. What about that? For improv, your mind works quickly. I saw a snippet of you when you were doing it with Middle Ditch. Yeah, Middle Ditch and Schwartz. And I think we both did Clusterfest one year. And I was on one. I saw a bit of you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But I was like, man, their minds are working quick. Do you have stuff that you're like, please hit this, please hit this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I think this is the first year it's gone. Isn't that crazy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
If you could do that. It was exciting, but then it like slowly, like back in the day, you hear stories from the 90s where a guy's like, I got a $750,000 holding deal. Yeah, dude. I'm like, yeah, I went there and I got like a shitty agent.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I got an agent and then like the guy, you know when you're signed with an agency, like the big guy comes in to like close it. Yeah. They're like, this is like the big dog at our agency. And I was like, oh shit. And then I was like, so that guy's my agent? They're like, yeah. And then I was like, whatever happened to Fred? They're like, oh, he left. He just went to another agency.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Within signing me, like two weeks later, he went to like UTA.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
I'm gone. I was like, he was like the guy. That's so funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
But not good improv people, though. I mean, I think, look, here's the thing. If you're great at improv, it's like, that's insane. But I've seen, it's like... It's kind of like magic. You see someone who's bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
There's so much bad stand-up. How are stand-ups, you know, how are we portrayed outside of stand-up? We look like the corniest.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
You always feel like a fraud on some level where like if it's a special, you're like, well, now I got to write a whole new act. It's hard to celebrate the win.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 211: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Are you ever up there when you're like, this is, are you ever like, no, that's bad, give me someone else?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
So what happened with the buckle? So he goes, like, he goes, you know, he goes, have I ever disappointed you before?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
And he talked 20 times, like, zoom in from Washington, D.C. And already the crowd's like, rah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Just hear those sleigh bells. God damn it. Silent night.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
First, like me, you may think the food on my tray is far away, but I assure you it's just smaller.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Come on. Tell me you're sorry. Welcome to WatchMojo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
Bark like a dog. Come on. Tell me you're sorry.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
You know how rednecks go hawking? $80,000 a year for hawking where you have to buy a hawk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 197: Simon Recs (Rex)
Sunday's the day for my next bender A bit of Pivarec, you know the future's close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way we might
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That was hilarious. Of course. That was a classic Yankee guy. Exactly, dude. That was so funny, though. You got a little of the crack of that bat. And you saw Gronk said he knew this guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
He was not. By the way, there's a lot of people in cities doing that right now. Most of them aren't charging a cover. Yeah. Not great to be in that situation.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's a reach right there. It's been a while. Look at this, dude. We're going from five in the last 30 to the Big Bang now. This is bullshit. Is it five? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You know what? That builds character. That's good for the kid.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And also, pull up the Jeffrey, what's his name? The guy, the Baltimore Orioles game.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, that was interference. That's totally interference. Every moment as a kid you want, you're like, I helped the Yankees win.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Remember Jim Larritz? Yes. He was like the Yankees hired assassin. Do you remember him? Jim Larritz, the third baseman? He was a DH toward the end. He was the guy they just called up because he was clutch. He didn't do shit in the regular season, but he would always hit the big shot. He wiggled the bat. So I got hit up to do his podcast years ago. And I wonder what Jim Larritz has been up to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And I was like, he killed someone in a drunk driving accident. I guess he lost the clutch gene.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. Off of Mark Wolves? He was clutch as hell.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
This dude always hit the big one. Yeah. I mean, he was like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Look at this stance, too. It was so cool. Jimmy Laird's.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Come on. Waller's? So you were a good baseball player.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's what I see baseball players get hit by 100-mile-per-hour balls. I'm like, how do you not just break a bone?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
By the way, that's complimentary racism. Yeah. I had a coach and he would go way harder, but he would fuck with all of us. That was his thing. We loved him, but it was a black kid.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
good friend of mine and he he would call him california raisin and i was like and then and then when he would call him on he goes you're racist he'd be like oh i'm racist i played high school college baseball at this school this many black kids this many christians one jew i don't think that's doing the work yeah right but god bless him he was the best
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I don't need to say I take it as a compliment, though. You don't look too. Thank God. Yeah. Oh, my God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Hey, Adam Brody is very attractive. This is the classic. Yeah. So good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I'm just using an example of a... That would suck to be a Steelers fan. You just have to be like, that's our guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's true. Pre-Me Too. Yeah, dude. I mean, look at Clinton Pre-Me Too versus after. It's like, I guess it's settled down a little, but the vibe is a little different.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
What Tom Hanks thing? That's what I'm saying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
The QAnon thinks it's pedophile. I don't think it's real either, but I was just throwing out an example of a beloved guy. QAnon thinks a lot, dude. Why does that have any legitimacy? Why are we like QAnon reports? Like they're fucking... This is what I'm saying.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. Yeah. Scarf looks good. And then you're like, fuck auto erotic asphyxiation. Yeah. Not good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
And I love Dolly Parton human trafficking aside. Yeah. That would be a juicy thing to start, wouldn't it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
The choking is crazy. I'm with you. David Carradine going out like that, being the kung fu guy and going out like that is kind of rough.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
There's never a good story with the parent managing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
This is going into savings. My mom says to me, you're investing this? I'm like, no.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
No, I invest a lot. Okay, good. But gee, I gotta do it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Thank you. Is it? Yeah, look how Jews really look. Ellen DeGeneres has moved to Great Britain.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Why is she doing it? Because of Trump? I think it's, yeah. Oh. Probably still got a good life here, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Just a, it's a sad, but it's on your own. It's a tough legacy. It's a tough legacy because it's like, you were jacking off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Honey Boo Boo is you kids are listening pre-Rizzler. Yeah. That was kind of what that was.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, we're literally here with Josh Wolf. We're literally just talking drug stories with you. Hell yeah. I did not know you were a drug guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, he was hot, the swimmer. But he was not the brightest. And he was also like the other, Michael Phelps was the guy. No matter how good you were, you were kind of in his shadow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Don't act like you've never searched the format.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You mean for her? Or for us in general? I think it means for the audience, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It'll be back. It all swings back. You think? I think it's all coming back. I mean, look, reverent shit always swings back around, I think. I think it is swinging back right now. Because in the end, all they care about is money. Right. So if that's making money, they're going to be like, let's try it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Make sure they wash their hands before dinner. Yeah. Out of the box?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. It was one of those situations, but it's fine. But you look back now that you've kind of done the work and you're like, and you see it. I get what you mean. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. No, because I was the opposite. I wasn't like the papered funny bones. Same. But, you know, by the end of it, you're like- I mean, you probably have a different audience now than you did then.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Way different. But that's kind of cool that you've kind of... You didn't just fall down. Like, it didn't take you out. You kind of grew with an audience, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. Because you don't want people to pay that kind of cover and not get a good show. I agree. But yeah, that's a dilemma.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Josh is taking a shit. He's eating a little too much jerk chicken. He's like, God damn it. I'm next to the cum dump. Why is it sticky? The floors are sticky.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It just shows you that men just get right to the point. They do. They do. I mean, for better or worse, that's like, it is pretty cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But lesbians, I mean, this is- Oh, it's a lot of talking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
By the way, I said finger in the ass means nothing before, but I'm like, I have told black friends of mine that are like, you're gay, dude. That's true. You ever tell Wilson Vince, you know? They're like, what?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's a hilarious stat to just throw out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
What did I miss? You don't fall into that gossip trap or just watching shows.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
you're just like rachel feinstein has that great bit where she's like you know is this she's in a toxic relation but she doesn't even realize that because we're watching breaking bad you know it's like but it's just so relatable you're like oh shit no the relationship's not good the show is good yes that's how that's really funny yeah that's so true too those shows are keeping a lot of marriages on life support just beep because you sit down you don't talk to each other
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Damn. What was the barbecue like at Ralphie Mae's?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Joey Diaz gave him candy at Edibles. Here you go. He's a Chinese star, motherfucker.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Star of Death. Star of Death, yeah. So you guys have known each other for a long time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Do you think you would have been ready if you went on then?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's a fucking peeve, by the way. When you say a joke and then someone else, like no one hears it and someone repeats it and they get the laugh. I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I think we were on Spade's show together once though and it was like, I liked being on with you because you just kind of did your joke, I did my joke. We all kind of like got our lines and it was chill, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
It's crazy, yeah. He's setting the bar high. Oh, yeah. And clean. The clean part is where I'm like, holy shit. I can churn it out, but I ain't fucking clean. No, no.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Mark, you did this followed by this. That was kind of weird. Followed by the horn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
We do similar stuff here at the Comedy Cellar, but I was doing my show, my name, Build, and it was going well because they're my people. And I was like, these jokes aren't that good. I know it. So I started doing Unbuild, and it's way more productive. Way more.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
This is a little paper plane. This is something we've been doing this in the pod for, I want to say years now, right? Oh, yeah. This is kind of our go-to cocktails. It's pretty simple. It's a little Bodega Cat whiskey, Aperol, Amaro Nonino, and lemon juice. Fucking good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I like the old school cocktails that no one really, like, you know, obviously the classics are classics for a reason. I love a Manhattan. I love a... Did you bartend at any point in time? I did catering for like a minute, but I was a shit bartender. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I was a shit bartender. What?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's so cool. Man. So how was that show with Arnold? Is that fun?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Sorry. Apparently those tickets are flying off the shelf. What? Rust? Oh, really? People want to see it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You have to wait until the end. It's one of the bloopers.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I got to wreck it. It's called A Different Man. Have you heard of this? No. With Sebastian Stan and Adam Pearson. Have you heard of this shit? Look at this guy, Adam Pearson. He's got this face disorder. Whoa. Yeah, that's his real face.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Dude, it's... I've not heard of this. Sorry. Oh, no. You got it. Got it. No, no. No, no. No, dude. This guy, Adam Pearson, is incredible in the movie. Wow. Which one's Adam Pearson? That guy. That guy. And then, yeah, yeah. It's a good- The Trump? What is that? He played Trump in a movie, too. Oh, okay, okay. He's called a different man. It's weird. It's like an A24 movie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Neurofibro something. Pull it up. I don't know. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Neurofibromas. Yeah, but a lot of people have it and it's not that severe at all. You won't even know they have it, but he has it. And his brother's his twin and he looks totally different.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But it's worth checking out the movie. It's pretty cool. Is it? It's got a sad story. No, it's the dark comedy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's a peeve. People making sense of my peeve. I got a peeve, too. You ever have a conversation with someone and then you get away and as you're away, they try to rope you back?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
They're trying to sell Diddy's Place, and it's like over 60. They're asking him like, that's pretty steep. But what we know happened in there. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I'm halfway down the hallway and he's like, oh, there's another thing. I'm like, I'm by the elevator. I was this close to getting out. And he was like, something about the Knicks. He was like, when does this guy come back? And I'm like, I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
to your face now we're back in it sometimes though this is what I'm trying to avoid like there's a great Seinfeld episode where George said when she's just not working just always act annoyed and people think you're busy I will do this imagine I'll like walk in I'll just be like oh good I'll just I'll pull the George that's good the George is the move yeah I'll do a fake phone call what the fuck 9-11 oh man no one stops you she's pregnant what the fuck I'm like no I got it I gotta deal with this this is crazy
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, maybe. You got to do a whole gut reno, though, for that shit. You got to blacklight it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Semi-pro was forced. Semi-pro was not my fave, and we watched it on the tour bus last year. We all kind of got a pick, and James, who directed my special, was like, you guys are going to love Semi-pro's basketball, and Vitor and I kind of looked at each other like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I was in L.A. for like just a week last time I was there, and I was staying downtown, and you got access to that Equinox in the hotel, so I was just in there, and it's like fucking Will Ferrell. Whoa. Yeah. Crazy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. He gave me a, How was the movie you were doing with him? Was that fun?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
The light blue hue to them. Fresh and juicy red fruit. Hey, that plum looks good. You got traded for your Twinkie? No, these are mine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
None of this is written. He's just gone. Yeah, for sure. Putting him in an R-rated scenario is almost unfair. How do you keep a straight face?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I missed that experience. I know like part of it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. I know part of it is why we're all able to sell tickets on the road. So you got to be grateful that people are coming to see stand-up. But like I do kind of miss the theater. I miss that too. I remember seeing The Hangover in the theater being like, this was fucking awesome. Amazing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Why has there not been black mystery science theater? Oh!
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I love that one. I'll say there's something about Mary. Yes. Because I was a kid and all those dirty jokes kill me. Franks and beads. And yeah, incredible. And so many jokes. But there's a weird one, but Nutty Professor. I saw it with my dad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I watched my dad who's like a polished lawyer lose his shit. Eddie Murphy just farting as multiple characters. I'm like, this is fucking crazy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. Yeah. Aren't you sick of seeing the same fucking trailer again and again?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Well, yeah, of course. How many times are they going to make the husband and wife who both kick ass movies? It's like, all right, we get it. You guys are like former assassins. I've seen this 400 fucking times, this trailer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. He just wrote the Danny Masterson judge a letter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
We got to plug some, both have new specials out. Yeah. Where can we find you guys, not just specials, but tour dates? Go ahead, Forgeon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Before I put my first special on YouTube, my agent was like, you should see what Josh wants. Yes, same. You and I talked on the phone. We did.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Right. That never happens. Sounds like he's getting punked in the end, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
You guys are both keeping it together. It's crazy. How do you do it? What's the secret?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, I've never heard about anyone being stressed in Vegas.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's the worst, the longest punk. Yeah. He's like, I made you look stupid on camera. He's like, oh, yeah, well, I outed you as a possible rapist. Oh, they separated over this. Oh, that's horrible. How much can you sit through? For her, you mean how much can you sit through? Yeah. I agree. There's a breaking point. I'm sure the Danny Masterson note wasn't her idea. Ah, good point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Josh Wolf Comedy. ComedianJoshWolf.com. ComedianJoshWolf.com. Yep. Check them out all over the road.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
clubs to warm up for theaters here we got san antonio january 3rd and 4th and we got liberty township ohio then we got pittsburgh in january and then it's all theaters pretty much here and now we're going uh you know charlotte richmond bethlehem on and on but austin dallas tulsa houston samoreal.com slash shows it i'm coming to your city and if you don't see it there now it'll be in the fall but uh i love the tabernacle
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Oh, so good. Great rules. Atlanta rules. I love it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
So many great cities that I'm hitting, so I can't wait to come and buy Bodega Cat Whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. People are loving it. We're making waves. Yes. Peter Luger Steakhouse. Whoa. Strip House. Whoa. Fucking everywhere.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Comedy Cellar is going through like 15, 20 cases a week of this shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Selling out. We're cooking with this. Good job, guys. Love you guys for getting it. And yeah, check out Fortune and Josh's stuff. Both very funny people. And keep listening to the pod. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, it's like the judge is going to be like, nah, you raped these women, but... Ashton Kutcher is a fan. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's true. Like a celebrity endorsement ain't what it used to be. No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Like it seems like if someone like, if you see a commercial, you're like, oh shit. Works in Japan. George Clooney's Nespresso. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I still like baseball, too, though. I'm with you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Really? You don't think? Well, especially in New York, just getting there is a pain in the ass. True. Like the bus or the train.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Nah. I like hockey, basketball, and baseball live. Good energy. Hockey's the best. Hockey's incredible live. It's the biggest jump in improvement.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
So you're like you're doing drugs to kind of like go somewhere interesting. You're not trying to just disconnect from society.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's our buddy Gary Veeder. He used to be, his dad was a con man. And he would take him to sports games pretending they were Sports Illustrated for kids.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's Gary with Mario Lemieux. Yeah, that's how big hockey players are.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
But it was the coolest. Who do you think is doing this? Some intern?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
That's hilarious. I did that when I was a kid to Saturday Night Live for Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon. No way. Molly Shannon sent me an autograph. Hey! Probably not her. What picture did she use? She was like Mary Catherine Gallagher.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah, yeah. No, I thought she was hilarious. She's funny. She's awesome.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Yeah. No matter what. She's just good in everything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
He's a patriot. He's running the chopper like Dafoe in Platoon, just getting gunned down.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
I remember that. That happened to a friend of mine at a game once. We were at a game. We were kids. And Mike Lowell. Played with the Red Sox. Red Sox. But it was when he played for the Yankees briefly, fouled a ball off, went like deep, hit a fucking one of those pole things, hit my friend right in the head. How old was your friend? We were young. We were really young.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
All I know is we didn't get to see the end of the game. Yeah. Damn. Fucking pussy with his big head.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 210: Fortune Feimster & Josh Wolf
Well, I didn't say those words exactly. That's basically the picture. I mean, come on. That's basically the picture. That's amazing that he grabbed the person. Yeah. That's a photo op.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
The diner. Yeah, that was wild. I've had some rough nights there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That's a rough walk back to that La Quinta, whatever the fuck you're in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I did three on a Saturday there once. They forced me to. And it was like a long time ago. And the two late shows sold out. And the early show had like 10 people. And I was like, well, let's just move into the late shows. They're like, nah, you got to do three. So I just ate shit for like an hour for 10 people and then was in a bad mood for the rest of the night.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah. Terrible. That's crazy talk. Those three in a night shows will fucking... They'll kill you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Come on. This is technically your birthday episode, even though this is coming out like a month later. True, true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm going to Atlanta soon. I'm thinking how I'm going to pitch this to my tour.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Hey, it's Cirque du Soleil. It's just cock, but it's funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That's my safe word. I didn't know recently. Mark informed me that apparently if you're in the sauna and you pour water on the rocks, that's like a signal for I want to fuck around. And there was a dude in there. I don't know. I just said to him, like, do you mind? And I was like, I don't know. You were inviting. Oh, I don't know that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
He blew them. I sucked them off. I had to follow the code. No. No, I guess he was straight. He didn't know the code either. But I feel like if you're going to make it hotter in there, you've got to be like, is this cool with you if I make it hotter in here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
No, Mateo, I can confirm it already because he doesn't sauna.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Do you have Joe Rogan? They're having such a more sophisticated conversation than us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I think I told you this already, and you didn't know, but I put water on the rocks in the sauna, and Mark said that's a gay signal. If I say, hey, do you mind if I put this on, and I put the water on the rocks, is that gay? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I knew I was gay. All right. Thank you for solving that for me. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I call my mom. She puts me on speaker. I'm like, fuck. My mom's podcast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
So if you go to the sauna and you pour water on the rocks, is that like an inviting signal for being gay?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
You don't do the apps or anything. None of that stuff you do in the real world. What do you do?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That one didn't hit as hard as I thought. She's in a black hole. He kind of smoked.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm at the game, though, and you can call a male player a black hole because it means you're not passing. You cannot call a female player a black hole. I almost did it. I was like, oh, you can't be. You fucking black hole. Interesting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Comedy. He forgets to pull out. You're going to kill me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm saying you can call a guy that because it's like regardless of skin color.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That'd be great if she came. Yeah, I like her. She comes to this side, Mark just becomes gay. That's the whole thing. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Oh, Bernie. No, it wasn't Bernie Mac. It was a white guy. Are you talking about... Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
It was Gary Owens, right? Maybe it was. Probably was. It was a long time ago. Maybe it is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I could do that. We could remake The Jerk, but with Norman. That's not bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I didn't use birth control. Wouldn't have happened if the bar was over there. This whole place is falling apart. We got Salah Cuse on camera. The hell's happening here? You didn't use birth control?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
White people don't know how to be. When white people are slaves, it's like bondage. It's like getting spanked or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
It's called an abortion. Yeah, I paid for a few. That was pretty specific, though. Yeah. The chopped up part. Could have just said abortion. We're going to go into graphic detail.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
You don't see that in an Italian menu, though. A little dead fetus ragu.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
so when i oh shit is the best reaction that you're a jew i did hook up with a woman once who right before we had sex goes are you jewish i said yeah and she goes oh and i still fucked her but the penis doesn't care no but it was a it was it was a low point for sure Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I can't tell if she was kidding or not. What? You got Jesus dick. Jesus dick? A Jew dick. A dreidel.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
It's so funny to say this in a work environment, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I got one. This kind of bothers me. My girlfriend, I don't know if I've done this one before because I've written it down on my phone, but my girlfriend will come in the bathroom when I'm on the toilet. I'll fart and she'll be like, ew. And I'm like, this is where you do it. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, but we could bleep it. Oh, okay. No, you're just giving him work. You've got to move the bar back. He's got a heavy fucking schedule ahead of him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That could be, by the way, when you go in a public bathroom and there's piss everywhere.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Dude, I have, going off your peeve, another peeve. I used a port-o-potty at a basketball court recently. I was playing basketball yesterday. And there's like three port-o-potties, but it's like it's a fucking gamble because sometimes a crazy guy's in there. And some say in use. You're like, thank God I know not to go in there. But some just they don't lock it. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
There's the crazy guy and they're screaming when I open. I was like, fuck. Oh, he's like midwife or something. Yeah, he's like, ah. I was like, oh, fuck. That's a tough spot. Whatever happened to I'm in here? He's just fucking screaming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
It's nasty. Like when you ever see a bulldog and they get dirty, you put like a cute stuff under their eyelids. You've got to do that with your dick again. Exactly, exactly. Gross.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That is like an updated version of the movie The Fugitive. Just like a guy gets framed. It was a one-armed man, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
But I know what you mean, like, mentally. Mentally, you're like, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
One of those little barber jars. Dip it in. Oh, yeah. Barbasol. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, I don't think the autism thing works in jail.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
He's got to do the old school defense that they were doing like KY Jelly Wrestling. That's his only job.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, human trafficking allegations. I don't know what they have on it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Did you say applications? Let me fill in my application, Mr. Diddy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
But there's levels to rape, too. I think there's levels to trafficking, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I think you would be better equipped to answer this one than me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah. Is that new? Were you engaged last time or not?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That's true. Do you not like these? I kind of like them. People complain.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That should be the defense. Another black man. We got arson. We got kidnapping. It's not a racial thing. It's a criminal thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Yeah, we'll see. I mean, I've talked to people. I've talked to some people who knew him and were like, there was a darkness at parties around him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
All right. Is this after my... Yes, October. Okay, so yeah, I'm doing a couple of warm-up sets at Spokane Comedy Club in October 24th through 26th. I'm doing Hilarities in Cleveland.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
21st through 23rd. Love it. Me too. And then starting the theaters again in February. It's not fully announced, but I got the routing here so I can give you a taste. I'm doing Charlotte, Richmond, D.C., Philly, Bethlehem, fucking Tulsa. Austin, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, see you at the Claremont Lounge.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
A lot more, though. I added like 60 cities on my site. I don't have them all yet, but they are up now once this comes out. So samorell.com or just follow us all at Punch Up. Are you guys on Punch Up? No. Oh, you should get on Punch Up. I'll talk to you about it. Both of you guys. PunchUp.live slash samorell. PunchUp.live slash Mark Norman. Get our tickets for shows there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I'm a back hazard. Did you ever think about the reduction? Because some people, when they got the big cans.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
BodegaCatWhiskey.com. We just got in like 10 comedy clubs. That's right. And we're all over the place.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
It's the same dick. What if you work out a lot and you have giant quads? Then your dick probably looks smaller, too, because you're being healthy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That feels like loser talk right there. That feels like some small dick scientist is like, technically, it's only the first two inches.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
That's going to be my gift for market is baby showers, just a picture of him motorboating this pet. May, you don't like this? I got it framed and everything blown up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Really? Yeah. You have four of them. Why do you keep doing it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
Every gay guy sucked their dad's dick. That's true. It's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 201: Ms. Pat & Rosebud Baker
I thought you said click, too. I was picturing an Adam Sandler movie. Oh, that was not hard.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Shows will come back. Dude, we got to ask you something, actually, because Mark met Larry, David. Yeah. Had a social interaction. I had a quick one. It was pretty good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
No, this is a bad... I did Is It Cake a while back and they put me up in a shady fucking downtown. Is It Cake? You walk two feet out and you're just like, ugh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
They want you to be straight because he's the funny guy. I mean, they want you to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's funny playing it straight. The scene is funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Yeah, of course she goes down for a pyramid scheme. I know. Pump and dump, whatever it was. Right, right, right, right. God damn it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I just bought it when it got big. I think I missed the boat on that. Me too. And I also, I don't like shit I don't understand, but I remember doing meetings with people. They were like, just do one meeting with us. They'd be finance bros in those pullover sweaters being like, NFTs of your jokes. And I'm like... You want me to sell AIDS joke for $7,000, dude?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Get Mark Scarelli on there with you to boost the price. What kind of grifter do you feel like? I'm like, I'm not going to do this shit. But they were like, you can donate it to charity. I'm like, oh, these guys are like thieves. I can feel this energy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
But are the NFTs still a thing? I remember they did Pop Shot or whatever it's called. Top Shot, remember, for the basketball cards?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
But you own a sequence? Right. You own a dunk? What? It's the dumbest thing ever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
And there's no story like at least with an artist. You're like, this is Van Gogh's journey. This is why this art means something. This is Francis Bacon's journey. This is like this is this is tangible. This person was influenced by this. It's just a fucking thing. I know it's not an Instagram.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Don't throw those away. Yes, exactly. We saw this the other night, the food delivery from just a robot out here. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It feels like we're in Blade Runner or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Make sure they're friends you like living with, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Yeah, it keeps you out. Yeah. I liked having a shitty place for a while because I would just stay out and do sets all night. Yeah. Because I didn't want to go home. Right. I didn't mind being on the road 50 weeks a year.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Because we were writing together the whole flight.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
We just don't bounce back the same, dude. We fucking... Mark and I have been running this set every night, multiple times a night, and I've been sick for the last week. So it's like... We had the IV nurse in here yesterday. We're bouncing jokes. She's not laughing. We're like, well, this isn't helping the confidence. What are you going to do? But we're looking over to see if she's listening.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
She's like... She's like, please, fuck me in here. Don't do these jokes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I got a flannel from them that's pretty cool, and I wear those pants constantly.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I heard that song in the grocery store the other day. It's a depressing grocery store song.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I mean, this is kind of like an offset of Dayton, Ohio.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I know, but it's a really small area. You just don't know. People make the drive. Oh, they all make the drive.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Josh Ademeyer is the host with a giant dog on stage.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You see anyone in New York, we were like, oh, shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I'm waiting for him to put out this new special.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Right. That I really like. Yeah, when Sarah Sherman goes out and just does something wacky.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
yeah you're like who the fuck wrote that and who approved that but it was it was like freewheeling back then but yeah i have so much admiration for these people like i've always been a low energy act so at least at mike's i could kind of you know there'd be the obvious bomb because there'd be an obvious punch line yeah but at least i was low energy i'd see guys like nick vadrat who were so funny and when he but he when he would bomb he'd be like sweating for six people and i'd be like how the that
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
We always talk about what's brave. That's brave.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
But that's what they're doing. It's either going to work or it's not. If you're doing sketch comedy, you've got to maintain that energy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Why do you fart so much more than me? We've been eating the exact same shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
there's nothing worse than getting injured like how'd you get injured and you're like he fell he fell i know it's so sad because you hear this you're kidding you're like fell right i fall all the time yeah but i mean basketball is the one when you get older because like my whole identity was like i'm gonna be the hustle guy i'll make i'll get every loose ball yeah like that way if my jump shot's not going the team's not mad at me right i'll hustle but then you get older you're like i'm not fucking hustling i'm not breaking it no i got dunked on in where i was in uh uh uh not charlotte what's the um
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I'm not stupid. Yeah, no way. We did that on the last tour run. We just pop into any rec center or Y in the country and play hoops. And we played a game with guys. And we'd been on like a hot streak. Not like just everything's good. We play a game like the second to last day. And this fucking guy I'm guarding, he's just like, he's got handles.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
you i'm gonna get hurt yeah i'm gonna get fucking hurt and i'm playing denim and we're winning i'm like we're gonna fucking win and i'm like the second he had no jump shot but his handles were so good that i'm like i'm gonna play up on him yeah i mean give him space i mean so yeah let off of him let him let him fucking let him shoot but he's trying to take it off and on one fucking play i just twist i just roll the ankle and i'm just like is it the achilles and i'm like
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
no it's just an ankle but I'm like I'm out for days yeah you're done a old ankle I'm like I take my shoe off and they're like that is fucking looks like a swollen yeah looks like those old Kobe shoes remember those black bricks I'm like oh fuck and yeah and then you have to stand under that night and you're just like I'm like I hate my life I don't want to be 41 and injured for one of my shows
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Just hurt your dick by comparison. It's doing nothing for you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
That would be a great tattoo. Yeah, just get a nice little barcode on your ball sack.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I did a bunch of the live shows. They're so fun. They're such good shows. I mean, and the way he breaks up with the music, it's a fun. That voice, like we're all similar ages. That voice is like a staple in our childhood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
But Hanukkah, that was the first. I mean, we just had dreidel, and then he put Jews on the map. Exactly. It did help. It helped.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Maybe these guys aren't so bad. That was some good-ass PR for us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
And all three beastie boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
That's nice. It is kind of cool. It's scary when they kind of go in your body.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
We avoid it, too, because we want it to be like a fun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's like, come here and it'll just be fun, comedy, stories.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You know what I mean? That is so funny that they kind of have to pretend a little.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You think he should have had a good line? Get your shine box.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I saw someone say, like, you tell these kids...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
thoughts and prayers after every school shooting and you expect them to be desensitized or not to be desensitized to violence and that's true that's actually great i don't know that's very well they do they just had a catholic school shooting two days ago another lady in madison or lady did it you know no no no i think it was a woman oh what yeah no way something finally dude yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Finally, they got a woman as a school shooter.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
We never hear about groundbreaking stories like this the other way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
First female shooter before a first female president. That's right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I bet seven. I lost seven K in the new comptroller. But, you know, I got a department of agriculture.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You have to drive into the fucking... We were just talking about that. Mark was saying like, you know, Texas is all about freedom. You got guns. You can't go on fucking porn sites.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Oh, does that work to watch sports, too? Anything, everything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
They really don't give a shit. Anyway, watch my new special, Samo, you change on Amazon.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I wouldn't want to be first. I think you're in a good spot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I'm in all these big names coming up. And then, you know, you get your over there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Remember DePaulo's bit about that, about playing basketball? Put the talcum powder on, I get a nice pancake batter going in my shorts. I go for a lay of a Belgian waffle, came out of my pants.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I don't think I can. I think I get. I don't think I function well outside there for too long.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Will you ever move to New York, or is Bobby just keeping you here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
But it's fun to make shit. And we got stand up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Would you ever do like a live action movie with Bobby? Because I could see that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
He's getting weaker. He's running out of steam.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
My butthole's loose. You on the road? Any dates to play or anything?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's me. I'm a pig. I'm sorry. This is how you live, huh? That's how I travel.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Dude, Sam Black, audience. Remember, she would get you all the audience at the show. She's awesome. Old school New York woman. Dude, she would make sure that you wouldn't fuck up the taping. She's so intimidating. Someone held in a pee that they peed their pants during a Jeslin-like taping. That's awesome. She's like, you can't get up right now. And the guy's like, I'm just fucking pissed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Because they're not going to mug you when you're jogging.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
They're like, I don't want to deal with that. It's not worth it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I just finished San Antonio, I guess, so I will be at Liberty Township, Ohio, January 10th and 11th. I will be in Pittsburgh, January 23rd through 25th, and then the theaters start. Charlotte, Richmond, Philadelphia, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, your town, Memphis, Knoxville, one of the best theaters, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Chicago.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
durham these are all can say oh february too hell yeah and then we got like new haven providence portsmouth added a second show there thank you portsmouth portland maine burlington vermont montreal toronto buffalo albany columbus i mean it goes on and on samorelle.com slash shows or follow us on punch up yes punch up dot live slash samorelle punch up dot live slash mark normand oh yeah what do you got coming up
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Whoa. But that's in like August. That fucking flight, dude. I know. The flight back, it's going to get you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
And then the time change. Can I tell you something, by the way? We didn't do this peeve, but feel this. How fucking bad are these fucking pillows? Flimsy. There's nothing there. There's no support. There's no neck support. I know. Look at this. Fucking nothing. This is bullshit. Every hotel. Listen. Instead of eight shitty pillows, one decent one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
All right. Love you guys. Bodega gets blown up for sure. I don't know why I said it's doing okay. I'm tired. I'm jet lagged. We're crushing. This is blowing up everywhere. All the clubs are buying it up. We're popping up in bars and steak houses. BodegaCatWhiskey.com and lots of cool stuff coming with this. So stay tuned. I hate when people say stay tuned. We'll back it up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Big announcement coming. Those posts. Yeah. Oh, I hate that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Bam! He's like one of the fat ones. You got to be a fat. Well, Bobby Flay is like in great shape. See, I don't trust a skinny chef.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Wasn't his ex-wife was the hot lady from Law and Order, right? Oh, that's right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Yeah, I don't know why I said all right. It's moving for sure. Like, Laugh Factory, Improv, and Comedy Store are all going to...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
If you're drinking good vodka, not if you're drinking pop-off or some shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
No, his son is actually more accomplished. His son fucked Larsa Pippen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
You should be able to request deaf or foreign.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Mark and I were going through the set, and we're literally going back and forth, and this guy keeps going, what's going on with the cops? We're like, why would we know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Taped, taped. We were nervous because we pushed...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
dane cook setback too and we're like we don't want to be the new york guys doing that shit right it was eight minutes i know but we don't we've never met him either so we after the set we gave the hey man how are you know we try to charm him a little bit he was fine he didn't care i mean yeah he was i don't care he doesn't care about he was very nice but we just you know don't we all know by now though comedy's never on time
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
ain't that the truth especially in la yeah it's like it's never on time yeah well the seller sometimes if i'm in new york for a while and they send me those like sets and like man these are so close to each other but then you're like it's not it's never gonna happen on time 20 minutes add an extra 25 every time it's never on time we did uh chocolate sundaes oh my god speaking of late dude we did laugh factory i hope we can find the footage of us running the roast set at laugh factory and d ray davis's show last night it was bad talk about fucking bombing
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It was called You Should Not Have Said That. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They hate it. Dude, we got off. What was the line the guy, last night, what did the guy say to you when we were getting off stage? Oh, man. This is the worst fucking part.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
That's how bad a set it was. He was like, this guy's only work.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
I'm sure it's her revenge tour because he was doing it during the playing days and she's like, I'll get you back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
We got a message. And we got a message. It's usually late. It's late, yeah. You usually get the, it's never late. It's usually.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
It's a cultural thing. Oh, dude, how about Laugh Factory? Our friend Matt Herman, who runs Bodega Cat, is in the back. And he just overhears two black guys go to his girlfriend. I hear these guys are racist.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 214: Andrew Santino in Downtown LA
Get a better set. He did better than we did.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, I did it for years, and you get why people start lying, because you get so desperate. You're like, David Letterman's coming, Greg Giraldo, Patrice O'Neal. You start saying Richard Pryor's going to be there. Tina Fey. They're like, she doesn't do stand-alone. I'm trying anything here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. You kind of do feel like the man of the house. You're like, I'm protecting. I'm watching. Every crack and creak, you're like, what was that? I'll go kill him. But it does suck. I mean, you wake up, and you're like, ah. But you got no sleep either?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, yeah. And I think it's bittersweet now, because the world is so nutty. We've got the politics, we've got the wars, we've got all the shooting, whatever it is. And so everybody goes, you've got a ton of material. And you're like, it's actually kind of harder, almost. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. Getting Joe to say some fucked up black stereotype and he's just like gritting his teeth, but he's got to get it out and Che's just loving it. It's perfect comedy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Good times. Yeah. I love that you still love it. I mean, those anniversaries to me, it's like a big love fest. I remember the 40 had Eddie Murphy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And Larry David had the line of the night. Yeah. Where he walked out and he goes, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here. There he is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
What's her name again? Catherine Zeta-Jones, the old entrapment ass.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Ah, it ends terribly. Pancake it. That's like Godfather 3. It started out great, and then it's over.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
A whole lot of tangle. That's true. But yeah, yeah. Also, I think HPV oral.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. Was there ever like, ah, fuck it, I'm out, and then you come back?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
So you're like the guy in high school who just keeps staying in He's meeting a super senior.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, you're like... Like learning the nuance or whatever. Like Michael J. Fox. You know, your kids are going to love it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Sometimes you're ever on stage or you're bombing and you're like, this will... You'll catch up to this in two years.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
But you feel like an idiot because you're like, I'm bombing, but you guys are wrong.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Norm is the king of that. I mean, how many Norm bombs and groans does he get? And millions of people will go back to YouTube and watch that shit later, like, that was amazing. But it's bombing in the room.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Maybe the best cast member like pound for pound. I mean, the guy can do stand up acting. He's funny as hell. The sketches are great. The Gumby, the Mr. Robinson's neighborhood. I mean, it's like still funny to this day. You know, obviously, 48 hours. Then you can do Nutty Professor. You can do Dr. Doolittle. I mean, it's freaking Dreamgirls.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Apparently a huge dong. Nicholson? Yeah. Fucked a bunch of porn stars back in the day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
There it is. Well and down. Well and down. I mean, the old Howard Stern show was wild.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I had no idea. Well, I don't think these guys, you know, like Leo, they want to just run the clock out. They're all the way out. They're having a good time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Let's swing that old dong around Hollywood for two more years.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, back then, they weren't like, now we have Fast and Furious 9, Batman 12.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
pretty pretty crazy i'm i'm in i mean it looks cool it's i can't call it a wreck because some of you might be like sam you're a sick fuck first speak no evil the the dutch version version of this yeah i hear you but uh you're becoming like epstein with movies you like have to keep upping it because you watch so many movies that you're like yeah you gotta speedball it now you can't just have weed or or coke anymore you got to do heroin and crank
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
No. No. You're working hard enough, and don't do stand-up. You know what I mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, you would have been easy to catch. I mean, you're squeezable here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, it's that, but I couldn't fall asleep at 2 either or 3 or 4. I have a theory because, A, I ran out of sleeping pills.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It seems like a common story. Seinfeld, some guy ripped him off. Dane Cook's brother stole.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It's crazy. But this, I mean, this is back when being fat was weird. That's classic.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Now, I assume, I know you're spoken for, but if you're a kid in these young movies, you get the ladies going, I watched you when I was 15. You burned my brain. I love you. Like Bob Saget got all that dad, you know, daddy issue ass. The dad love?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I assume, you know, these girls grow up with you, and then they see you at a nightclub when you're 28, and they're just like, oh, my God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, that is a woman. I like a woman. Give me a curvy whore any day. Whoa, man, that's full gash. She's got. That's a hatchet wound right there. She hung gash in a lot of movies. I mean, she's. And she aged well, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, you were on Steve Harvey's show? Because you do a hell of a Family Feud. Thank you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Steve Harvey's a cool guy, a funny guy, but he really has one move. He's on Family Feud. He goes, so what's something you put in a woman's vagina? And a guy goes, a dick? And he goes... He does the big eyes, and then he won't even let the guy talk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
This season of football, stop being a baby and play some bets on the game already. With MyBookie, it couldn't be easier. With promos like weekly risk-free boosts, even if you've never bet on anything in your life, you can definitely handle this. If you're not a huge football fan, you can still get in on the fun. MyBookie has tons of games you can play like blackjack and European roulette.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Love my bookie. I'm betting on the Pelicans, the Saints. Sports are back. Trying to make some extra money. What? You're broke if you're doing that. I am totally broke. New Orleans stinks. We know how to party. We know how to drink, but we can't throw a ball. Here's to a great sports season, no matter what it is, with my bookie.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
When you're ready to get started, just click the link in the show notes, sign up, and you're ready to bet. Use promo code DRUNK. to double your bankroll with 100% deposit bonus right away. You heard that right, 100% deposit bonus up to a grand. That's good. With code DRUNK before you even place a bet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
If you've been betting with MyBookie already, it's time to check out MyBookie Plus, their new loyalty rewards program that can help you earn cash. Just for doing what you do. Here's a pro tip to get you rolling. The NFL teams with powerhouse offensive lines are dominating the run game this year, and betting game Total Unders has been printing money.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Bet anything, anytime, from anywhere with my bookie. It's my bookie. That's my butler.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, because I think he has a talk show as well. And then he had a sitcom. He does movies. He wrote a book. I mean, the guy's insane.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Whoa, is that- She's blowing a guy in Caligula? I gotta watch that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, you're good at capturing these because these guys are all over the internet. Like the latest one with the chicken sandwich tasting. I mean, that's so ripe. It's all over TikTok is these guys. And somebody had to do a joke.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Jeez Louise. Patreon. Bring back the Patreon. Just watch the nude shit. Look at her in the lake. My word. Yeah. Great bud, curvy. This is what men want. At the baby shower, thanks for coming. That was fun. Thank you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, and you have a moment like, you think people will get this? But it's actually the most shit we see is this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
That's why I chase those kids around. That's my out. I'm like, I don't want to talk to my- I saw you doing that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, yeah. Well, Chris Rock said he had the problem where he couldn't get any air time. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, I couldn't sleep at midnight at 1 a.m. It was dark then.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I don't want to talk to my uncle. I'd rather, at least this is easy. There's no mental work.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I can see Tim Meadows reading a book and Tracy Morgan yelling, I'm going to get you pregnant. Water and wine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Damon doesn't get his due as a hilarious guy. Like, Homie the Clown was amazing. Men on Film. He did The Homeless Guy, I think kind of predating Tyrone Biggums.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, there was a Harvard kind of old school vibe, I think, back in the old days. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, well, I like to roughhouse and all that. But wait, what was my point? I had a point. Oh, so I heard a bunch of girls at the party. There was a bunch of female maize people all hanging out. And they were talking about blowjobs. And I got an ear in. And one girl was like, you got to do the swirl. The swirl is big. And then the other girl was like, what you got to do is tease around the ball.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
You got to learn the big cheat out or as we call the Dave Grohl. You know what I'm saying? But yeah, like Mulaney said when he auditioned. You guys got rim shots, right? Mulaney said he just did his five minute stand up set when he auditioned because he was like, I'm not an actor really.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Has anyone ever left the show? Because a lot of people leave the show to go do movies or a TV show or whatever. Has anyone ever left the show, kind of fizzled and tried to come back? Is that allowed?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And I'm like... You cunts don't know shit. You're talking about what women want. Women want the tease, the going slow, then speed up. We just want the action. We want the meat. I feel like women think all this movement is cool, like up and down the shaft with the corn on the cob. Just blow me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
But my theory is I got a new house. I got a baby on the way. I've been on the road.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I never heard of him. He's a writer, right? Oh. Okay. Interesting. I just feel like some people would freak out and be like, fuck it, I'm going back. It's almost like Brooks in Shawshank. He's like, you got to get me back in there. I can't live out in the world.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Totally. I mean, Joker 2, that was Todd Phillips, the goat. Yeah. And he's making a fucking musical.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, yeah. But. Well, we wrote a movie. We wrote a classic kind of raunchy comedy. Nice. Trying to get it out there. We'll see.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It's weird, too, because everybody goes, like, Blazing Saddles is a classic. And you're like, well, then let's do it again. Let's do that type.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I mean, I hate to say it. I know it's not romantic, but it's like- Tongue in the ass ain't too shabby either.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And I think that was a 2020, 2019, whatever time that was when he got the axe. That was like kind of the height of everything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I got what I wanted, and this is what I wanted. Oh, yeah, the old Brooklyn smile or whatever they call it. The Pepe Le Pubes. Pepe Le Pubes. Pepe Le Pubes. That's not bad, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Rodney was on Caddyshack. He's on the set and he leans over to, I don't know, Chevy Chase and he's like, I'm bombing out here. This is crazy. And Chevy's like, it's a movie. We can't laugh at you. We can't laugh at the jokes. Start panicking.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Also fascinating, the two sons are like a Meadows and a Morgan. You know, they couldn't be more opposites. They're polar opposites, yeah. Yeah, they got a white rapper and then like a clean cut.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
So let me ask you, we do stand-up, and I feel like sometimes I'll write a joke, and I'm like, this is going to kill, and then it bombs. You guys have sketches where you're like, this is going viral. I mean, this is the one, and then it doesn't get what you want?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Writing jokes, traveling, podcasts. All I do is listen to podcasts and watch YouTube. So I never had a moment to think. And I think last night my brain was like, we got you. We're going to think right now. Like you're going to spiral for seven hours.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
That's true. And then sometimes I'll chomp on it a little to be playful. I'm like, no, don't play. This is work. This is a blow job. You're at work. You got to put the – It's the braces. But no, it's –
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
But then when you're doing Black Jeopardy, you must be like, this is going to hit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, on the right. What? Incredible. And what a deep cut, too. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
All right. They're definitely scissoring. Isn't Meryl Streep married?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, yeah. Well, all this extra stuff, it's like, you know, girls are like, you put an ice cube in the mouth.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Wow. Yeah, well, that's one of those things, kind of like a Catholic priest, where you're like, what the hell? He didn't touch me, but now you're glad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Makes you respect Scientology. They keep this shit buttoned up. Because, you know, they're doing weird stuff in there. They're not paying for shit. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Don't try to fix it with an ice cube or a tongue ring or whatever. Just stick to the fundamentals like a white basketball player in the 50s. No 360 dunk. Don't try to alley-oop or anything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, well, that goes back to the piss my pants thing. Like, Chris Rock couldn't have had more exposure than that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Wow, The Simpsons is not enough? You need to join a cult? Yeah. Right. Young, probably. I guess so.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Now the annoying 20 minutes or 60 minutes question. Do you get, because Bill Burr and Dave Chappelle, both guys we just mentioned, both had a moment on stage in the monologue where they're like, Jesus, you guys are that sensitive? At one point, Dave Chappelle said, sorry, Lorne, I thought this was a comedy show. Hilarious. Such a great line. Yeah. But like Bill Burr's set went viral.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, I'm just talking. That's all it takes? Yeah. Well, yeah. I'm just saying, give us the lob.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
He's trashing white women. You know, he's just doing Bill Burr. And everybody's like, this is crazy. This is so offensive. And you're like, this is SNL. This is where Chevy Chase said the N-word. This is where, you know, I mean, people went after it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
But to answer your question, I think we do it because it's all we know. You know, we're like, this is my thing. It's like you put a beaver somewhere, he's going to start making a dam.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
He can tap dance around the laser beams. The writing's always great. It's pretty clean. And his...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Just a little spot. And if you audition for our movie, we'll think about it. Thank you. We'll Chris Rock you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Hey, Poughkeepsie, right uptown, 30 minutes away at the Bardavon Theater, Torrington, Connecticut, Charleston, South Carolina. My Asheville date was moved because of Helene, so we'll rebook that. Nola coming downtown, hometown, Providence, Rhode Island, jumping to the Comedy Connection to run that hour. Wilkes-Barre, Englewood, New Jersey, Houston. Dallas, Phoenix, doing clubs there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah, college. College was old. She went to three different colleges, met a few NFL teams. Who knows? Hey, burps are in sync. In sync. Good band. Speaking of, how about that One Direction guy? That guy really went One Direction.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Get those tickets. Nashville, doing the Ryman. Very exciting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, yeah. So, yeah, get tickets in Nashville. And, yeah, get Bodega Cat. Punchup.com slash us. Bodega. We might be drunk. Tell a friend. Queef it up. See you at Diddy's. Love you guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
He's in that movie Gravity. Hey! How's it going, man? Let's shake it. My good girl.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Oh, it's those dog fights, you know? They get you. That shit's real. Hey, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
It's like seeing your teacher at the mall. You in the daylight.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, I tried to get a hold of Michael Chain. He doesn't wake up till five. Yeah. Son of a bitch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yo. Hey, we're here. We're queer. You might be drunk. Sorry. A little semen. No sleep last night. Why not? I don't know. You know what I think it is? I was just laying in bed. 6 a.m. Looking at the sunrise. I watched the garbage men come by. I waved at them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Yeah. He's in Beetlejuice for 12 minutes. That's how good he is. He steals it if you really count the run time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
And him, he's my mom's, like, number one. Really? I got to put a towel down. Batman comes on. Oh, my God. Mike Keat. Oh, she has an interesting tale. Him, Jeff Goldblum. Goldblum is, like, kind of a sex symbol, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I'm pretty sure it's Israeli. Look at that mug. I mean, that's what Gaza's after. That face right there. That's propaganda.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Well, I go all over the road, but to me it's just you block out your bad thoughts. You're walking around the subway. You don't want to just have nothing going. I like to have a stimulation of some kind. Something's good. Yeah, I feel calmer with noise.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
I didn't know he wrote Streeter. I remember him doing the stand-up days. Killer writer.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
but curiosity and then they would let us go sometimes like i don't know if i was in the audience i'd be and i had nothing to do the next day i think i'd be like i kind of want to see what the hell yeah sure but they don't do this with strippers that was the real show next up we got some pigs he's a girl we don't we don't we don't claim them you're welcome you're welcome to hang around and look at them
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got some real bridge trolls coming in. They're not booked. But yeah, that's comedy for you. But that was what, 64? 64 years ago. Yeah, okay. No, what was that? It was early 80s?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
So you saw Boom, though. The Boom was what, 86 or something?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Up in the panhandle. Tallahassee I did. I had a great time. But yeah, the lower you get, the worse it gets.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Damn, that's never a good sign. Right. Shit. Well, did you converse with Jerry and go, tell me everything, you big Jew? What was it like?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But also, that was probably like early 80s. It was like six comics, six famous comedians. You know, it was Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Carlin, and Woody Allen, Cosby. I don't know. There weren't a ton of household names.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
yeah carlin um but yeah so i think breaking in was tough back then and you had what like three avenues you had carson you had hbo right that's about it man maybe a letterman i don't know so i worked there as a you know dishwasher and bus boy and the whole thing and uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Damn. Wow. That's wild. So you just stuck with it and moved to L.A.? New York. Oh, you moved to New York eventually.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
So you did it to him. You did the Seinfeld move to him. That's a good feeling.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I got to go gay. I got to figure something out. Damn. But remember, did you guys see the Bill Hicks doc that came out? Well, he said, oh, it's great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
American Scream. Yeah, something like that. But he, what is it? Oh, shit. I was way off. Where did I get Scream? All right. American. But he talked about when the comedy club opened, it was like a gift from the gods opened the clouds and put a comedy club in Houston in his town. And he went in there and he's like, I can't believe this is a thing that exists where adults spend money.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Jeez. Stay in front of his toilet. How about now? You thinking a little bit? Did you see a bunch of other killers coming up in Florida? Sam Kinison. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
True, and that's why we go, that crowd sucked. Because as a whole, they got influenced by each other and it changed everything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You ever think where you kill and you get off and your friend or your opener is like, that was great. You're like, it wasn't right for me. They had a good time, but I was off and I wasn't where I wanted to be. Then there's a weird thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, totally. Totally. You must get a million of those because you're clean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
force my way through it but that doesn't mean i'm having any fun now no one's having fun on those you know that's a chain gang you're getting whipped you know some of them some of them you catch you catch a good crowd you go okay this is a good time but but back to your crowd hive mind thing somebody once told me i forgot who this was some smart funny guy said if you got 10 of the audience on your side you can get all of them
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Like if you have 10% of your people show up and that's 10% of the crowd, they can sway an entire 500,000-seat room.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yes. Exactly. We were at the Comedy Cellar, and I was, like, bitching. I was like, ah, I killed in this room, same material, bombed in this room. And Colin Quinn goes, you never done stand-up before? Yeah. Like, that's constantly all the time happening. What are you talking about? This is the first time it's ever happened to you?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
like i'm bombing down there but killing over here at the same time that's hilarious is this funny or not you know yeah it's so frustrating because like you're i always say you're a basketball player if it goes in it's two points that's it this is like the same joke gets two points here gets zero points there what's entertainment you know Yeah, it's subjective.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah. I guess you just write a joke. You go, that joke works or it doesn't. So then when you have to fluctuate, you're like, well, what the fuck am I doing here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Enough of them agree with. Correct. Yeah, it's got to be the majority. Because you can't have three guys going... You know, in a theater, that's not enough. You don't want to be like, that guy gets it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, yeah, totally. And all those people are homeless now. So, fuck them. Fuck them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
That's how I feel. I want everybody to enjoy it. Remember when the alt scene was big? I don't know, 2005, 2006. And I would see these club comics, like hardcore club comedians, go to the alt shows where I was performing. And they would bring the Bible and open it up and make fun of it. And they thought they had to be weird. They thought they had to have a thing. But I'm like, no, no.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Gaffigan comes in here and rips. Yeah. With jokes, you know. But I think people would think they had to get kooky and alternative in these certain rooms. But like, no, we're just trying to make everybody laugh. Don't try to make these alt people laugh with your alt bullshit. Go both places with the same funny stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You know, they go, I'm going to try a new one. It's not great. I don't know why I went into Trump. I'm going to do a new one. I'm going to try a new one. I'm going to work it on. The crowd's like, do it, do it. And then it's like a proven tried and true bit. You're like, come on. You lowered the bar there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, I'm with you. I did a brand new story that I worked out for that show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, I don't tell stories either, so that was hard for me. I don't know how you felt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Same, same, which was kind of cool to get out of your comfort zone, but it's still not my cup of jizz.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
That's another thing rock stars don't have to worry about. You know, Slash walks into a party, no one's like, give this guy an axe. Yeah. Just starts shredding. They can just hang out and get blown. Yeah. We got to be on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, it's a great life. Great life. Or it was, but now I got to make you uncomfortable here. Uh-oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Okay. Don't you feel like you might have the most copycats? I see a lot of people doing Regan, which is a huge compliment. You know, it's flattering, but I think you might. Tell us up there, obviously, but I think you might be number one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Right, right. But you have those old, like the yellow ones, The Sun, and then like U2- I do that you do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
The dumb guy with kind of the back, the shoulders go up a little. Yeah, I mean, that is so copied and imitated. And I think on accident, I don't think people are stealing. I think you're just such an influence.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, I've heard many tales about this guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Can we play a bit? I just want to get a maybe watch him. He was legendary, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, really? I think he did. People rave about this guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I already kind of like it. I'm already laughing. I think he also influenced Tom Arnold.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
This guy's cold. I'm dying. What's he doing now? We've got to get him on the show. He's dead, dude. Did you see that thing? Hey, it's no secret that we love sheath underwear. Let's see if he's got it right now. One day I don't wear it. All right, hold on. Now, if I don't have it, we've got to kill ourselves. Look at that, sheath. This is my wife's. It's no secret that we love sheath underwear.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
They cradle your falls. They wick away moisture. They make your dick look great. Everything you want in a pair of panties. Sheath has two pouches, one for your dong, the other one for your sack. It's a comfort like you've never felt before. Hey, look, we're two uncomfortable people just in life generally. But you know what's not uncomfortable is this big old humbucker.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, I'll tell you that right now. It's separated from my balls. It's like me and my wife. They hate each other. You got to give us some square footage. Not only is Sheath amazing and comfortable, the quality is fantastic. They're made by our pal and Army U.S. Sergeant Robert Patton. Grab yourself a pair or two and support a good guy who made a good product. You cannot go wrong. We all wear them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You caught me on the wrong day. Wrong day. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Plus, Sheath Underwear's 100 money back guarantee. Wow, that's a confidence in a product. That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear, support the show, and support your balls.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, well, that's a real momentum killer if you're just like, so the other day I was at church. Yeah, what are we doing here? No, I'm totally obvious.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, exactly. How thirsty are you, buddy? Now, where are you at on giving notes to the opener? That's not like an insult or that's not a real critical note. You know, sometimes they kind of cut deep.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I'm with you, but I had a guy the other day and it irked me and I had to put the kibosh on it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
So this guy brought notes on stage, which do what you got to do. I get it. Go nuts. I'm not mad about that. But he had the stool behind him. So he would look at his notes after every single joke and he would go, so then my dog shit on the lawn. The other day I was at the bank. Was he hidden? It was killing, but they stole all my money. Big laugh. And then my mom's in town and she's a bitch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Let me tell you, she can't cook. The whole kitchen blew up. I mean, you get it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Memorize your fucking notes that you wrote. It's 15 years into comedy. You don't know your act? I get it. You got one new one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, exactly. So it was like a 1,500-seat theater, and he's turning his back to the crowd every three minutes. That's a fucking weird move.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
This guy is a wedding DJ. This guy has the father-daughter dance. Hold on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
In the crowd or? The guy right next to the table.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, brother is great. It's not mean. It's not like this guy sucks. It's oh, brother. Like that was so bad.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
oh brother but i wrote one man that's uh oh no go ahead well i'm just gonna say the worst thing i ever heard was you're bombing you're bombing whatever i'll take it you suck fuck you kill yourself these two older ladies in the front row are in a two-top and they go it's dead silence in the room after my joke she goes this is bad
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And she was trying to whisper to her friend, which made it even worse. Because if you say you suck, I can go, hey, kill you, you know, fuck you. But with the old ladies, I was just like, that's just how they feel.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And what am I, a serial killer? I told a couple of singers you don't like. I'm not going to hurt you on the sidewalk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Seems like they did a lot of those. The HBO young comedians, they did the Rodney Dangerfield comedians thing. And apparently MTV did one as well.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I am married. That's totally doing John Fox. Mario Joyner.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
see my show like it was the first time like i that i drew i drew four people wow so uh so they go hey we heard it hey that was they didn't give you that shit did they okay wow that's pretty cool though the first time people come out to see you is pretty great so when this came out it's my first national tv thing i was living in queens i didn't have a tv um
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Well, he's like, there's some asshole in my house. He's worried about that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
That's wild. I'd be like, how cool are you? This is all you're on TV. Holy shit. Because what was it? The late 80s? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's so funny how different things were pre-phone and internet. Like you had to really ask people for favors and meet up with strangers. I mean, there was so much interaction before.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Book, period. See, that's the problem with comedy now is it's too easy. I feel like as horrible as that was, I'm sure, it weeded a lot of the non-real comics out. Some guy's like, I like to do comedy. All right, we'll take a Greyhound nine hours to a place you might get on. He's like, all right, fuck this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You could have had four kids by then. It's like it's eight pregnancies later.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I'm with her a little. You call a girl, you want to go out sometime? I'm washing my hair that night. I'll wait. I'll condition.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I would have tried the first six months that she goes, give me another nine. I would have gone, you know what? I'm going to go gay or find another lady maybe.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I guess. Well, good Lord, man. Damn. Did you get laid ever? Oh, my God. You'll get laid in nine months. I had to buy a book on how to take hints.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Attractiveness disparity there is pretty jarring. I should have rehearsed this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, of course. But I'm saying, not to sound like a boomer, old fogey. I had to walk eight miles in the snow. But some kid could put a clip up on YouTube. It'll go viral. He's done comedy eight minutes. Right. So he's like, oh, yeah, I'm the king.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I take that as kind of like, hey, you're younger and you're on your way, but you did fine. That's maybe the direction he was going. Okay, okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
There you go. Hanging on. So he wasn't wrong. No, he wasn't. What was Jenny like? I mean, he's like the most underrated comic never talked about.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Wow, that's a great joke. He had a lot of great shit, though. Oh, yeah. And he could perform. He was big.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
So silly. So simple. And he's so good at the movements, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You didn't have to think too much, like a Bill Hicks fan. Right. But you, I don't want to make you uncomfortable again, but you're a squeaky clean comic. And would you ever have a guy go on before you and he's just doing a whole bit about skull fucking or something? Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Come on. Everybody thinks buttholes are funny and blowjobs. Exactly. Me too. You never had a blowjob joke where you're like – No, I did.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
to get a larger following no you know like it just but it does happen to have that benefit yeah but that's not why I did it well Seinfeld said a similar thing he basically said I had a joke where I said fuck before the punchline it would kill one day I said let me take the fuck out and it didn't kill and he's like well I'm a fraud and then let me just see if I can keep going that way because then I'll have to actually make the joke funny instead of using the fuck and I totally respect that
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Another good reason. Norm MacDonald says clean comedy is more impressive. That's just his opinion.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Got it. Got it. So you didn't sip of water for five minutes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. Now, wait a minute. What do you got here? This aired live on HBO.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Wow. That was unheard of. And that was after doing the TV show for years. And he said this is the hardest thing he's ever done in comedy. It was that special.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
He also got heckled two or three times and handled it all pretty well. Like he zinged him back and got a huge laugh. And pretty impressive for live. I would be like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Here's a 200 more, guys. I should not do this while I drive.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. Knock one out. And then you're going to live with it forever. Obviously, the famous Chris Rock live special where he was finally going to get Will Smith back and he had that one flub and it was live. And it's so devastating to have that big moment where I get to fucking nail this guy who slapped me on TV and then I flub it. Yeah, the jokes were still great, though. The jokes are great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And he's great. But that's a bummer. It's tough. Live is tough. I asked Rogan why. I was like, why would you do a live one? And he said, they called me. My agent called me and said, Netflix wants to give you a live special. And he goes, fuck that. What are you, crazy? I'm not doing that. Hung up. And he was driving home, and he's like, what am I? What am I, scared? I'm nervous? Why am I nervous?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I'm a professional comedian. And he goes, hang on. Tell him I'll think about it. And then he did it. While he was driving, he had the... Old car.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But yeah, I would not want to do a laptop. Yeah, it's not for me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But I gotta tell you, it does work. Because I'm always like, live? Who would do a live? And the Seinfeld one I watched with my family in the living room on HBO. That was a huge deal. We were all excited. Popcorn, everything. I watched the Chris Rock one live. And I watched the Rogan one live. Because I'm just like, I want to see it. It's live.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I think you're right. There's a NASCAR vibe.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, Bill Burr had that Philly heckle situation. And he walked off stage covered in sweat going, well, I just ruined my whole career. That's going to ruin my career. And meanwhile, it broke him. Right. So people like that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I think the problem with comedy, because music, obviously, if you watch live the Beatles at Central Park, you don't want to watch a string pop. You want to watch them kill it. But with comedy, the whole art form is kind of based around quelled fear, meaning like we're all kind of on the edge of our seat. Is he going to bomb? Is he going to do well? It's comedy. A big part of it is tension.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And I think so if the tension breaks with a live fuck-up, I think that's a sight to see.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But think about tightrope. You're going... Oh, man, is he going to fall? That's the whole enjoyment. You don't care about a guy walking. It's the whole enjoyment of the guy who might fall.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
A little bit, I think. A little bit. Well, you go, that was impressive. He walked on a tight wire. It's a tiny rope.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You've never seen Nathan for you? Hilarious show. Oh, fuck, he's good. It's a brilliant show. It's kind of meta.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
No, I thought... He's on a TV show, kind of like situational reality show kind of thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
That's hilarious. You guys are smart. What are they, at Home Depot?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. Pretty brilliant guy. Yeah. Kind of Andy Kaufman-y almost, I'd say.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But for the digital space. But yeah. Yeah, so you're right. People want to watch comics fuck up and handle it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Eh, put a show. Do a show in the travel. You're going to China for a show? Yeah, that's true. That's true. And it's also a write-off. Ah, the Jew.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
We'll see if you're ready. Well, your daughter's in college now, and you're doing all right. You're a grown-up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Damn. There's no shortage of places to get up on stage.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
do you want another drink by the way while we got you here i don't want to i mean i don't want to push you there i know you gotta oh you guys i was hoping for one so but you don't have to have one either i'm just i felt uh you i saw that empty glass and i saw your leg twitching the remainder after i get this next drink in me will be all the stuff that goes viral yeah well they want to see us brian they want to see the what's it what's a night like at home when you're just chilling
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Put the liquor in first, you retard. You put the liquor and then the booze. That's fine. Who cares? All right, all right. Sorry, sorry. I like my drink. I was worried there was going to be like an explosion. I didn't know that it mattered one way or the other. Okay, so your son's gay. What was that? Did I? Did I say that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Okay. All right. Well, hey, you're living the life. That Vegas air, though. I don't know how you do it. I grew up in Louisiana. Hot as shit. Vegas is hotter than that. Oh, God. It's like walking on Mars.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, send this. Send this. That's great. What is it? Oh, that's nice. What do we have here? We got a box, folks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Don't they have good taxes there? Isn't that a Vegas thing?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I will say, though, you see that tax chunk missing and you're like, God damn, that's a lot of moolah. Cheers, by the way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Is this going to be Porosos? What's in the box?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I would like to perform there, and if I was bombing, I'd go, just look at the walls. You know, get it off me. That's insane. They say, though, the venue is actually more of a show than the show. Well, that was kind of my experience. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, Vegas, I'm going in two weeks. You don't do that Wise Guys? You don't pop over there? There's a new club. I haven't been in there, no.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Holy shit. What? I'm wearing this tonight. Where'd you make these? Who sent this? Look at that. Hide the bodies. That's the merch guy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
What if I was doing a set? Of course. You want to do a guest set between my two 45s?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I assume you're outside of the town a little. What do you mean? Like you're not on the strip. You're living. You're living. Yeah, about 20 minutes from the strip. Okay, perfect. Yeah, will you ever go to that pawn shop? Pawn Stars?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I've watched more hours of that show than my own family.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Well, he fooled me because I'm like, this guy's amazing. He's a wealth of knowledge. Also on that show, they always go, hey, here's an old jewelry box from the 1500s or whatever. And he goes, all right, what do you want to do? You want to pawn it or you want to sell it? The guy, no one has ever said pawn it. Not one person has said pawn it. Of course they want to sell it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
They want to get a bunch of cash, get the fuck out and go buy heroin. They don't want to pawn anything. No one's coming back to pawn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
How killer is that? Oh, my God. I got a medium. Wow. That is so killer. This is right up my anal. I love it. These are all larges. 200 F. I mean, this is better than anything I own.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And then they get personal. They're like, it was my mom's necklace. She died in a fire. I watched every second of it. And they're like, all right, I'll give you an extra $4 or whatever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I'll open a book. I'll read the Koran. I can't do it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But even then, I'll just put headphones on. I know. Yeah. It's so hard. Last thing I'll say about Pawn Stars. I hate how they have to have a plot going with these four guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
idiots in the back they're like oh we need a story all right you you uh you stepped on his foot you're mad about it he's pissed and now you're gonna prank him just keep on keep it at the pawn shop we don't i don't these are the least talented people on the planet these four guys i do not need a plot line and a and a and a make it interesting a story arc with these tards so as far as reading on a page reading on a plane
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. And I'm done with this condom also. Oh, sure. Yeah. But now you have to pretend to kind of read it for half a second.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. But then you got to stuff it in that flap.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, yeah. It's his paper. Also, get an iPad, you Amish weirdo. You're still doing the post?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
No, that's you. You're a triple. Really? I got a large, yeah. Well, we'll try them on. Thank you, Hide the Bodies. Very cool. I mean, that is amazing. Love this. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You know what's really sad is they gave a magazine to like two-year-olds and the kids are touching the pictures and trying to swipe them in the magazine. And you're like, oh, we're doomed. We are fucked. They think it's a digital screen. They don't understand. That's amazing. Scary.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You know what gives me hope, though? And now we're getting off into, I've had a drink and a half. I'm glad we're at the hopeful part. Okay. You know, things are good around the corner. Okay. You watch a movie. Two hopeful things. You watch a movie. The whole movie has not one cell phone in it. You never notice. I think that's a good sign. I think that's a good sign that we don't really need them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
They're not that much of a part of our, they're not like a hand. If a hand is missing in a guy in a movie, the guy's missing a hand. Guy has no phone, you don't notice it. Two, you never dream with your phone. You're never in a dream going, right? That's a good sign, too.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You know what? I hope your doctor says, you might die in six months, but we'll try again in nine.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Every good parody. I'm already sold just from the cover.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, look at that. Is that a Schrader or who directed it?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I love it. Is that a goof? Does that sound like a goof? Yeah, it does. Yeah. Did they even make a three? I don't know. You got me there. Cookie's revenge. That kid had weird tits, the nerd kid in the movie. Look at that. I mean, that's... That's rough. That's off-putting. He's got B-cups.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Good rec. Whoa, look at that. I don't remember that scene. Oh, that's Revenge. I haven't seen Revenge. I will watch that tonight and jerk off. Okay. Well, remember when a tit in a movie was a tit in a movie? Those days are over. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Living legend. One of the best comics working. And it's an honor to have him. So enjoy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. Then when you're done with the movie, you can hang the binoculars on your boner.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, and they got the hell out of there and went to Florida. That's what they did. Smart.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Hey, Newport, Rhode Island, Monterey, California, Oakland, California, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland as well. Right before you. Going to sneak out those tickets. Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. That's a big one. Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut. Never heard of it. Charleston, Asheville, Nola, Wilkes-Barre, and Englewood.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
But I do have another pod. We do them pretty often.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah. We just do them in clubs and do an hour. You get your check, you high five a few people, and you bail. It's nice you don't have to prepare. Like with this, you got to have an act. Yeah. you know, with stand-up. With pods, you can just go up and bullshit, and that's kind of nice.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You have a guest on. You get your Vegas out, you do your crack, and you're good to go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Oh, hey, great. We got all that. Hey, all right. We might be drunk. We're here. We're queer. We got the whole gang, and we got our pal...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Yeah, yeah. I remember the first special with the white hair. We were all like, shit, did he see a ghost? I mean, what happened? But yeah, you're in the Steve Martin club. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's our hooch. We should have been doing this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Thanks for listening, guys. Oh. Literally just got in? Wow. We'll see. That'd be funny if it was Santino. Oh, we got to put that one in. Hell yeah. Sammy, Mark.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Hell, yeah, short and sweet, and I hope Edelman never smokes weed because his eyes are already tiny. Actually, he was high, but look at that apartment. That's a fucking bachelor. I got to swing by. Is that in New York? L.A. Oh, I was going to say, wow, that's a beauty. Love the wood walls. All right, thanks, guys. I got wood walls and wood balls.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Hell yeah. Good to have you. Good to have you. And full beard. You look like you're prepping for the doomsday.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I got it right, and then I corrected it and made a mistake. Who had that great Dumbledore joke? Ted. Was it Ted? Yeah. Dumbledore's gay?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's much better than Daniel Tosh's joke. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Daniel Tosh came down, like, right after Katrina, and he goes, ah, this city needed a good bath. And you're like, jeez. How about a hello? But, hey, sorry. I ruined the toast. Good to be here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
It's weird how bad things are. You guys aren't ready to laugh yet, I see. When I first moved here, we did a roast of a friend. He's also from New Orleans. And a guy from Michigan roasted us. And he goes... I got drunk with him. He wet the bed. I got drunk with him and wet the bed. What the hell, you New Orleans guys? What's in the water down there? Oh, yeah, it's your houses.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
I was like, that's a great joke. That's good. Yeah. Good time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
You've had a minute. I'm from there. They can handle it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Forgive me for my ignorance, but Mexican people, no. I feel like you didn't start in New York.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
Well, that was back when the club owner was just like, let's sell as many drinks and chicken nuggets as we can. So put people up there for hours.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
Although at that point, if he's the obvious successor, the post of princeps, of emperor, has clearly degenerated into a monarchy, hasn't it? If the obvious successor is the only person left from the dynasty and the only thing that makes him an obvious successor is his bloodline.
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217: Doug Stanhope
He liked to quote the proverbial line from the tragedy, "'Let them hate, provided they fear.'" Once, at an elegant banquet, he suddenly burst out laughing, and when the consuls who were reclining nearby politely inquired of him what had prompted such laughter, he answered, Why, only that with a single nod I could have either of your throats cut here and now.
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217: Doug Stanhope
And there's also this stuff about... So Suetonius has obviously painted a picture of Tiberius and Capri that is very... damning, shall we say. And Suetonius also says that Caligula was able to suck up Tiberius because he shared his cruelty and deviant appetites, doesn't he?
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217: Doug Stanhope
He likes watching people being tortured and he dresses up in drag and, you know, all of this kind of thing, which I'm guessing you will say is part of the sort of the fake news edifice that has been constructed around Tiberius. How do we know?
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217: Doug Stanhope
Angered, when a crowd cheered on contestants who were competing against his own favourites, he cried out, If only the Roman people had a single neck! So that is from the biography by Suetonius of Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, who many listeners will better know as Caligula.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
And right from the start, Caligula proves himself a master, doesn't he, of playing to the people, to the gallery. He reminds me a bit of the guy who's the ruler of Chechnya, who's called Ramzan Kadyrov. who also succeeded, you know, he succeeded his father. It's not really a monarchy, but he's always like wrestling bears and trying to hang out with Hollywood film stars and stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
And Caligula is very much of that ilk, isn't he? He likes a sensational, melodramatic, crowd-pleasing gesture.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
Yeah. There's a three people who aren't often bracketed together.
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217: Doug Stanhope
Caligula's name, Tom, is one of the most notorious, not just in Roman history, but in all history, as a byword for sadism, tyranny, depravity and debauchery. And today... We're going to find out how much of this is propaganda and how much of it is rooted in political reality.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
24, has never held a senior command, has never held a senior office, and they must be thinking, this is mad. I mean, why is this bloke ruling Rome? He's completely out of his depth, but also he's against everything that we stand for, which is tradition, integrity, seriousness, all of these things.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
So let's put into context from the first century AD, Caligula is the third emperor and he succeeds Tiberius, who he did last time, in the year 37. And he only rules for four years, right? That's right.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
So the monster is coming and we will be back after the break. This is an ad by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Now, Tom, you and I often hear about the red flags that we should avoid. But what if we focused more on looking for green flags in our friends and in our partners, indeed, in our producers? Now, if people aren't sure what they look like, therapy can help you identify green flags.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
It can allow you to actively wave them and identify them in your own relationships. So, Tom, can I ask you, do you have any relationship green flags? I certainly do.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
Well, Tom, therapy can help you identify red and green flags. It can help you learn positive coping skills, and it can teach you how to set boundaries and enforce them. It can help you work through anything. and empower you to be the very best version of yourself.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
Welcome back to The Rest is History. Enough of the princaps. What remains to be described is the monster. So, Tom, you described this as your favourite line in the history of biography, and we are moving now. Caligula has been clearly... very shocked by the speed with which people move to associate themselves with a potential successor when he fell ill.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
And, you know, politically that makes sense that he would be insecure and he would wish to, you know, he's looking for enemies. But from this point onwards in the biography, Suetonius is really going beyond that. And he is basically saying Killegilla is a dyed in the wool, inveterate, debauched, depraved monster.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
And talk us through some of the examples, Tom, that he gives of this kind of behaviour. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
So let's dig into this a little bit. So obviously, because we don't have many other sources here, it's pretty hard for us to get a sense of how grounded in reality these accusations are. You make the point, don't you, that Suetonius doesn't present this as a continuous chronological narrative. It's just a sort of bullet-pointed list of the bad things that Killegiller is supposed to have done.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
So it's a massive grovel. Crikey. So my question to you, Tom, so I compared him with Ramzan Kadyrov in the first half. You could compare him with Kim Jong-un in North Korea. Again, hereditary, but not in a monarchy, right? So my question is, what's the power base for doing this? So he hasn't had a command. He doesn't have powerful allies yet.
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217: Doug Stanhope
or before he became emperor, he didn't have powerful allies in the Roman establishment. How can he possibly do this, stand up to these very powerful, prestigious patrician people and boss them around in this way?
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217: Doug Stanhope
trying to avoid a bully's eye. So this is the moment, really, for the first time since... Really, for the first time since Augustus... inaugurated the empire, it's the first time that somebody has torn away what Augustus had worked so hard to create, which was the veil of legality and tradition. And somebody has just said, that's all rubbish. This is a pure military dictatorship.
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217: Doug Stanhope
I am the dictator. And I will humiliate you. I will torture you. And I will kill you if you step out of line.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
So possibility number one, obviously, and this I'm sure is the case for some of the stories, is that they're just not true. That they're either propaganda or they're literary formulae or they are... you know, sort of folk urban myths, rather like there are loads of urban myths about politicians today that people believe, aren't there?
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
I mean, you know, Boris Johnson, David Cameron, you know, Donald Trump, whoever it might be. There are lots of stories that people tell and swap, but we know ourselves that there might be a kind of metaphorical truth to them, but no literal truth.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
And that's purely because of the order of Suetonius' biography, is it? That Suetonius basically says it's after that. But I suppose it's more likely, isn't it, that he's politically either emboldened or more insecure after he knows that people have been flirting with his successor.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
I don't think he's mad. Which matches what we know of 20th century dictators. I mean, Hitler, Stalin and so on. They may have been horrendous, but they're not clinically insane. It's too easy to say they're mad, basically. It lets them off the hook.
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217: Doug Stanhope
And part of this is the assault on a series of conventions and taboos, presumably. So you talked before about him, the stuff with the gods or demanding that he's worshipped as a god. Or, most obviously, the story that goes right back to when he was on Capri with Tiberius, that he dresses as a woman.
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217: Doug Stanhope
And this is about him taking the taboos that mean so much to the established senior, you know, blue-blooded people and ripping them up and presumably delighting the mob, as it were, in doing so. There's something almost kind of punk about it.
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217: Doug Stanhope
Caligula obviously revels in experimenting with that, I think. In that sense, Nero and Caligula are remarkably similar, aren't they? Because they're basically part of the same political tradition. They're playing to the same audience and they're kicking against the same taboos and the same class, the senatorial class.
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217: Doug Stanhope
don't need you i'm you know i am this godlike figure i can ride over water if i want to and then the final and most famous thing making his horse a console so i know you have a very actually i've heard you explain before i think it's a very persuasive explanation of exactly what this is because effectively this is just a very very this is a satirical joke it's a joke
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
Right, exactly. And we are, for Caligula, unusually dependent on one source, aren't we? Because we have Tacitus for Tiberius, but we don't have Tacitus for Caligula. There are fragmentary sources or smaller sources like Seneca or Josephus for Caligula, but Suetonius is the only full one. And it's from Suetonius' biography.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
But for all Caligula's spectacle and his dark humour and his kind of... populist touch, I should say. He only lasts four years and he ends up dead in this extraordinary set piece, this great narrative set piece. He's been stabbed and stabbed again by Cassius Caria and his men, abandoned in an alley, And what's going to happen next? Are they going to bring back the Republic?
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217: Doug Stanhope
Is the Empire going to continue? If so, who on earth could possibly succeed? Is there anybody left from the Imperial family? And Tom, we will be answering that question next time. But of course, there's only one way that people can hear that right now, isn't there? And that's if they're members of the Restless History Club.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
If they're members of our very own Praetorian Guard, they'll be able to hear it. And if you're not and you'd like to join up... you can go to therestishistory.com and hear right away what happens next after the assassination of Caligula, who comes next, and what kind of emperor he was. So, Tom, thank you very much for that.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
And on that bombshell, we'll be back next time with the story of the Emperor Claudius. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
I mean, it is actually in many ways one of the great biographies in all literature. I think it really is, yes. It is from Suetonius' biography of Caligula, really, arguably even more so than his biography of Nero, that we get the sort of stereotypical image of the demented Roman emperor who has been driven into total depravity by absolute power. I mean, that's what this is, isn't it?
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
The enormity of his crimes was all the worse for the outrageous quality of the things he said. When his grandmother Antonia sought to give him some advice, he not only ignored it, but told her, When he exiled his sisters, he warned them that he had swords as well as islands.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
So he's a guy who never gets to become emperor, but Suetonius really goes into his story. So tell us a little bit about Germanicus, because basically Suetonius thinks that Germanicus is the best man who's ever lived, brilliant at everything, top of the class, brilliant speaker, brilliant scholar, all of this kind of stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
I actually don't, just to be clear. I don't have a fake Reddit account.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
I'll tell you, I think Theo, our producer, has a fake Reddit account and I think he goes onto a Reddit and just slags us off. And he would probably say this next thing because Suetonius says of Germanicus that he has very spindly legs. That's his only drawback. Right. That's the kind of thing Theo might say of us.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
When he had someone killed, it was invariably by means of repeated delicate incisions so that, as he notoriously liked to express it, a man would die knowing that he was being put to the blade. When a case of mistaken identity led to the wrong man being executed, he declared that the person put to death had no less deserved to die.
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
Right, yeah. I was going to say, it seems a bit unlikely. If you're really serious about having a mutiny, the sight of a child is unlikely to... They don't have the soul of Hallmark greetings card writers, do they?
We Might Be Drunk
217: Doug Stanhope
his public image when he becomes emperor. Right. So going back to his childhood, he and his family, so Germanicus is sent out to the east by Tiberius to be the big man in the east, isn't he? Right. So that's broadening his range of experiences. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
They're movies. They're legit movies. I think John Landis did Thriller. Did he? I think one of those guys did Thriller. Someone big did, yeah. The real director. Yeah, he's such an artist. It's incredible. Yeah, you're right. Oh, wow. You got to think, this kid's been performing since he was like five, and he just became, over years, 10,000 hours.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Sure, but it's great for the viewer. Yeah. Child abuse when it works. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Yeah, if you channel child abuse into a skill, it's pretty amazing. Pretty cool. Because it's just so many hours of it. Scorsese, what did he do?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, he did bad. Hoyt Schermerhorn, Subway Stop, by the way, Bad's filmed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, yeah. What did Ackroyd do? Ackroyd did Bad as well? No.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, never heard of that one. But it's crazy, too, when you start thinking. I'm watching the Michael Jackson thing, and I'm just thinking about the 90s, and I'm like, okay, so he's the king of pop. And then they cut to Lisa Marie Presley in the audience. I'm like, oh, wow. He's fucking Elvis's daughter. He used to be black. Now he's white. Wow. And he's a pet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
There's so many layers to Michael Jackson. Yeah. Damn. So it's crazy. I never even put all that together. Elvis wanted to be black. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He was at his grandmother's funeral, and someone walked in like, something horrible has happened. That's great. Farrah Fawcett died the same day. No one cared.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, he's a New York Jew, but look at all these books he's written. The Anxious Generation, Friends with Seinfeld. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, no, no, no, no. But think of all the kids that didn't get diddled because he died early.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Of course, yeah. I think he was definitely off with the kid shit. I think his childhood fucked him up, and I think he had some repressed weirdo trauma that he would take out on these kids, like... I never had a childhood, so I love these innocent kids because they make me feel like a kid again, even something I never had.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But I do think if you're laying in bed with a kid after a couple of McNuggets, you're going to get a little handsy. It just kind of happens. You start cuddling. You know, you have a few strawberry shakes and a few rides on that Ferris wheel and talk to the monkey.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, the dinosaur McNuggets. Come on. Those are tough, man. You have a McFlurry. You're just like, it's not working. Yeah, you get diabetes eventually from all the candy. That's a good point. I never thought about that. I had this thought the other day. My lady loves true crime, as every woman does. And there's all these horrific B actors who do the reenactments.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I thought about that. I thought about going, hey, Jerry, you heard this pod yet? Oh, yeah. Well, Bodega Cat. Hey, hey, nice and early. It's 8 a.m. over here in New York.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know, they're like... And I'm like, these murderers are keeping these shitty actors in work. They're keeping them working.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yes, yes. Yeah, exactly. There's a scene where the guy comes in and you can tell he's mouthing because there's no dialogue. So he's like, your wife died. And the guy goes... That's it. That's all it is. Not bad. Yeah. Yeah. And they show him with a scotch and he's just like, oh, it's all horrible. But I guess they're acting. You know, acting as you want to act.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Okay, I've seen the train one. That's a good one. Spin, no.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Snowpiercer. Snowpiercer. Space Needle. Close.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, hell yeah. It's dark. Koreans, most talented Asians. I can back it up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, 100%. I mean, they do Oldboy as well? If they did Oldboy. Yeah, yeah, they did. Okay, and this guy, he's amazing. And Squid Game was Korean. And BTS, I believe, is Korean.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yes. China obviously is maybe the most efficient of the Asians, and I think Japanese is the slickest with the karate and the, what do you call it, the dojo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, Oak Joe is crazy. Something about the split between North and South. I think there's some... Some darkness. Some darkness there, and darkness leads to good art.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I mean, Jews and black people, best comics. You know, because they have struggle there and all that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Survival. What is this, Chinese? Ah, look at this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Kung Fu Hustle. Ah, you got Crouching Tiger. That was pretty good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
This is all, this is bargain bin compared to Korea. Joy Luck Club, get out of here. Good book. Was it? Oh, yeah. My mom, that's her favorite book. Really? Yeah, she's a reader. She loved Joy Luck Club.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, I'll wreck Haidt, yeah. Good guy, good writer. He's got great points. Where were you drinking? I had a spot in Richmond. Do you hit Pearlie's? I forgot about Pearlie's. Oh, sorry, Wingus. Don't wake the dead. Me and Chris Allen were driving from Richmond to Greensboro. We're like two hours in. We're like, we forgot to go to Pearlie's. He likes Pearlie's? He loves Pearlie's.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I wrecked Jonathan Haidt. Check him out. His book's great. He's working on another one. I think I saw a good movie. Damn, I rewatched Lion King. Still holds up. Lion King? So good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
What are you doing here? It's Hamlet. The music's great. The hyenas, Scar. It's great.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, yeah. That's a true thing, by the way. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Imagine the 9-11 flight. They must have been just water work. It's already a scary moment.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
An old bit I gave a friend of mine, black guy, because I couldn't do it. I was like, you ever want to quiet it? If someone yells the N-word in a restaurant, everybody's like, what the fuck? And everybody gets quiet. So if a library is too chatty, just have somebody yell the N-word, and everybody's like, he took the bit. I couldn't do it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, I was like. It's a funny thing, right? I told him I have a funny idea, and he was like, oh, that's good. I was like, but I can't do it. Do you want it? He was like, sure. If you're not going to do it, I'll take it. And then you have to yell the N-word. That's the only way the bit works. You can't be like, N-word. It ruins it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Messed up. Well, these Indian comics are acting pretty black. They are. These days. They are. What's going on there?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I don't know. You got your own culture, Indians. You got the chai tea and yoga. That's not your voice. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yes. Also. You're stealing cultures from us. That's our thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
White guys steal culture. Yeah. So now you're stealing black culture and you're stealing stealing culture from us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. It's like, oh, you want to colonize? That's us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, interesting. Yeah. Do you know the difference between England, Britain, England, Great Britain, UK? And I think there's another one. Do you know the difference?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
No, I think most Americans are way off on this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
berlin's pretty cool you liked it a lot i liked it my my show was a little weird because the venue sucked but uh just as i went to a sex club i went to the wall um it's just like a crazy looking city everything's wacky and fun and interesting it's it's a cool place all right worth seeing but are you doing like a day off or are you just getting in and out
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He lives in D.C., so he knows the area. God, Pearlie's fucking rules. So good. I've been before. Loved it. Flight canceled. Had to get another flight with a connection. We had to push the show an hour late. Brutal. Animals. Delta, what are you doing out there? Delta's killing us. I know. They were the number one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, yeah. That's worth it. Hey, you got to make an appointment.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Because so many people want to see Anne Frank. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. I don't know how the Nazis got in there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yes. A hot ticket. That's true. That attic. I've got to tell you, the attic is not that small. Yeah. As a New York liver, I'm like, I could make this work. This is not bad. This is bigger than my first Bushwick apartment.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, true. There were a lot of drawbacks. I wonder if the mom was about to complain. The dad's like, don't complain. That's what got us. Otto's alive. No, he's not. Well, not anymore, but he survived it, I mean. He's the only one who survived it. He's the only one. And he said he read the diary and he was like, oh my God, I didn't know any of this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Like the daughter, he was like, I didn't know her at all until I read the diary.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, my God. I'm a bitch about a Delta flight over here. I know. I know. And that boat ride was who knows how long. You got to go right back.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
This is bullshit. That's so true. I do get it. That is a peeve when people are like, hey, what about what these people went through? I'm like, but I can still, if my hand gets cut off and your arm gets cut off, this still sucks to not have a hand.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know, but like, hey, come on, you can't complain.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I got a million peeves because we haven't peeved, we haven't had so many guests that, uh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
All right. I finally started writing them down right when I think of them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You're not taking down my peeves. All right. Starting from the top. How about this guy? Hey, can I get some brown mustard? We don't have brown mustard here. Story of my life. I love the story of my life guy. Not having brown mustard is the story of your life? This is your big tale? This is your big premise in your story? Is no brown mustard? Come on!
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
They open another one, like the Anne Frank house.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, you still have a porterhouse and a neat bodega.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, I do love it. I mean, I know it's hack, but Grey Poupon is great. Oh, it's fucking classic. So good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, that one looks familiar, that second one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm lousy with peeves. How about this guy? This happened to me yesterday. I don't want to get too specific because he might hear this, but... Hey, can you chat for five minutes? And I go, I actually have about five or six minutes. I can chat. 17-minute call. Of course. You reel me in with the five. Oh, my God. And I'm such an autistic literal cunt. I'm like, oh, hey, five minutes. I can do that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And then what else is going on? Oh, how's the baby coming? Oh, what's New York like? It's hot out, huh? Oh, you should see it out here. It's fucking brutal. But I'm like, come on. What happened to five?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's crazy. And here's the clinker. If you go, hey, I'll give you five. He goes, yeah, no problem. And if I have five minutes, I go, I got to cut you off. They go, geez, all right. I'm like, you set up the five.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And I need like a, one of those big old, old fashioned sports horns. I, That really should be, wow, doesn't that look good, that bottle? That's a good looking bottle. Strong.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You feel like a woman because you're like, you want to Netflix and chill? And then I'm like, why are my pants off? You rooked me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You got to be stressed to go in a sauna because you got to get the shit out. You got to sweat it out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Right, yeah, I got a presentation at Merrill Lynch. No, get out of here. I'm going through a divorce. You're nine. Also, kids sweat all day. They're playing basketball and running around. We don't sweat because we're adults. We walk around and go live in air conditioning.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He has that great line. He's like, you can't hit a kid, but you can throw one. That's a great bit. So he's in a pool like... Kid's head's like an inch away from the coping. Another thing with the sauna is for stressed out people, hungover people, and gays hooking up. That's it. That's all that's allowed in the sauna.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I don't believe it. He said he's never done it. Wow. My friend's got an Equinox membership, and he's like, it's full-on gay club.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. You're getting raped. You're like, well, it's nice to be thought of. I heard the signal is throwing water on the rocks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's like the tap on the floor with the bathroom stall.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, my God. So how was the sex? It hurt. All right. It was rough. You'll get used to it. Sorry, Wingus. It's also, you can't have gay code be the thing that everybody has to do in the sauna. That's like going, how'd you know he was gay? You know, he took a sip of water. I know. Everybody drinks water. It's out of there. Weird and specific. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, come on. That's bullshit. I think I got one more. I thought I had more, but I can't find them. How about this guy? I'm out with some friends. They're all idiot, jerk off. One's a mechanic. One's a line cook. You know, just dumb old high school friends. And I got a couple bucks now. And so everywhere we go, they're like... I'm like, God damn, they charge like six bucks for extra ketchup.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And they're like... But you're rich. You're rich now. And I'm like, I still don't pay six bucks for ketchup. Everything is. Oh, but who cares? You're rich. Oh, who cares? I'm like, well, I'm not going to go to a helicopter and throw bags of money out. Yeah, it's wasting money. It's wasting money. It's still wasting. And I'm like, six bucks for cat? This is crazy. Hey, folks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He goes, ugh, is Nemesh going to be here too? Oh, man. I did his podcast at his house, and his daughter walked in the frame. We're all on mic, and she goes, who's that? Pointing at some guy on TV. She goes, he looks like an asshole. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
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Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
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We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I know, it's the Sudan. I got a classic car. I'm like up on the sidewalk trying not to hit a pothole and my whole car will fall apart.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's the bumpiest, sketchiest ride. That's true. On the highway, too. I'm going 80 and it's like, ba-boom. I know. Crazy. All right, last one, then I'll leave everybody alone. How about this guy? My opener was doing this a couple weeks back. He does the you wanna. You wanna do this? You wanna do that? You wanna do this? Which is just stuff he wants to do, but he poses it as a question.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But we'll have food in the green room, and he's like, I know there's food in the green room, but you wanna go out to eat? And I'm like, no, I wanna eat the food in the green room. He's like, you sure you don't wanna go out? I'm like, I told you what I wanted to do, but you keep... Do you want to go out? He's like, I don't care. And I'm like, all right, well, let's just eat this if you don't care.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He's like, you want to go out, though? I'm like, so you want to go out? He's like, no, no, I'm just asking. I'm like, well, then let's eat this then if you don't care. You sure you don't want to go out? Just say you want to go out. I'll go out. It's not about the food. It's about you fucking gaslighting me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You want to do this? You want to do that? You want to get a hooker? Nah, I got married. I probably shouldn't get a hooker. So you don't want to? No, no, I don't want to. Stop asking me. Or let's just do it and you got to admit to it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yes. I know that feeling. I'm hurting and I have shit to do. Dumb Ari. I knew it was Ari. Yeah, he's our Newman. He's like Newman, Ari. I miss him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, he's out and about. He's doing some scheme. But we went out drinking, and we had about 19 drinks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
martinis we put suits on we went out for some ridiculous reason we're like hey we have suits on we might as well get hammered so we got martinis and we just had one after another we're talking i have a photo of us i'm standing on a mailbox on avenue a and he's like we're just you know who took the photo sal volcano was there too he took the photo and uh we had a great night i get home i ride a city bike home at 5 a.m i got one eye open i'm wearing a suit
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I must look like a walk of shame or something. Finally get home. You know, May is like, what the, where the hell have you been? What's going on? I reek of booze. I got a suit on. You didn't make one check and I'm getting loaded? Nothing? No, nothing. I was too drunk. I never looked at my phone. And next day, alarm goes off at like nine. You get home and she's like, I'm pregnant.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm like, oh, well, good luck with that. You know, you also do that thing when you're shit-faced. You go home, you're like, you know what? I'll have an emergency packet and a glass of water. That'll cover it. Yeah. I'll be good tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a slice of bread and a vitamin C. Like putting a bandage on a gunshot wound. Yeah, exactly. Like, this will cover it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'll drink two glasses of water. How about that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Always. You're fooled. And you go to bed, your head's this big, it's on fire. And I had so much to do. We had two pods. Remember that? We had, who was in here? Adam Ray and somebody else. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
and then i had a bunch of sets i had to go to do a set in queen we drank we drank a decent amount that day though i that saved me even having a couple drinks during the day i fucking feel at night these days oh yeah oh for sure but then i call ari at one point or i texted him i was like dude what were you thinking this is the worst day of my life i shouldn't have done this and he's like oh i'm i'm at like i'm in the steam room at whatever and i'm like oh you didn't have anything to do he's like no
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's true. That's true. Once you get through that day, you're like, we were walking on car hoods. It was one of those legendary drunk nights where you're almost to a blackout but not there yet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, yeah. And Sal was getting hammered. And it's fun getting drunk with Sal because he's like doing shots. I got him in a headlock. And then some 17-year-old girl walks by. She's like, oh, my God, I love you. And he's like, ah. Yeah. And he's like so wholesome on TV and everybody loves him. And then you see him out in the wild.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. He's like, God bless you, sweetheart. I'm noogying him. You know, it was a good time. I fucking love that, dude. You feel like Don Draper, though. You come home, your bow tie's undone. You're like, ah, shut up, you old bro. And you throw a glass against the wall.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Like DeRosa, he lives in Philly now. He's riding on tires. I'm like, man, they must be just tying one on every night. Gillis and all those guys.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You can't turn on a funeral shot. I mean, that's too disrespectful.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
No, no. We need you at those funerals. He was out of mustard. Story of his life. He's got the sandwiches. Yeah, that's true. Are we in there? Bodega Cat's got to be in that place. We got to work on it. It's not. I think I... Oh, I got one... Oh, I got two more peeves. Or one more. Now, this is more of like a... You see this maybe once a year, once every two years, and it really fucks you up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm not a squeamish guy. I eat ass. I'm not square. I'm not a prude. Expectable, yeah. I saw this one the other day, and I hadn't seen this in a while, and it fucking grossed me out. It made my stomach turn. How about this guy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, the booger eater. I saw him on 2nd Avenue. He didn't think I caught him. I caught him dead to rights. Big old brown boog. Right in the kisser. Right in the mouth. He ate the whole thing and he loved every minute of it. Who are these people?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I mean, these people should be strung up and hung in the town square for us to all mock and ridicule.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. There's nine million people in this city. You think you're not going to get busted? This is going to make me nauseous.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I saw a guy do it on the subway once like five years ago and I still think about it. I'm in the shower like, ah, fucking God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
All right. That's a New York moment right there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
uh sagalow has a i saw a clip of his new special he had a funny bit where he saw a guy slip on the subway and his first thought was that's fucking fake there's a there's gotta be a camera everywhere i'm not falling for it and it's it's like how he's like how sad is life that we've come to this where everything's a video a tiktok a fake thing a prank and i'm like i completely agree everything i see i'm like i'm i'm suspicious suspicious
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. Not good. There used to be a guy in New York, I don't know if you've seen him, but he was burned, like burn guy, you know, scars everywhere. And he had a poster board and it had all the newspaper clippings of the house fire he was in and how he was a little kid and he got rescued by the FDNY. And that's got to be real.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He was leaning in. I mean, talking poster board. He's got merch. Yeah. That's one. It's like shoulder to knees, full on. I was reading it. He kept walking. I was like, hold on, hold on. I got a fifth page three. Yeah. Time's picky.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. You got to get a fire wallet or something or lighters. Fire wallet. Remember those? Fucking fire wallet. Tom Justin made more money on fire wallets in a year than I made in 10 years.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. It's got a flint in it. It's pointless. Pointless, but they moved, man. Maybe I'll get one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
How does that work? Give me a video on that because I want to see this in action. Because you whip one of these out and you get people's attention. This is a good way to disturb hobos. Like, hey, man, can I get a dollar? You're like a wizard. I always make these videos too long.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I have a theory, and no one's going to want to hear this, but I think women secretly want to fuck the shit out of magicians.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He did. You tell me Blaine doesn't get ass? Blaine's a sexy magician, but these are celebrities. Yeah, but you know what? A celebrity ping pong player gets ass. I'm talking a regular backyard birthday party magician. I think it's fucking the stepmom.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know how to turn it on. I get it. I get it, too. It's just the eyeliner and the fishnet gloves and the weird outfits.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Ah, good point, good point. Yeah, yeah, magicians, I'm telling you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
She does have quite the rump. I used to follow her on Instagram. I stopped. Are you unfollowed? Well, you get married.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Lighter fluid on it, they explode. How do they not hurt the bills, though? You think it would light their bills on fire? Well, you don't put your money in there, do you? I think you do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I don't know. Well, look. Hold on. Okay, we got the light. And now, light. Hold on. Credit cards. Or maybe those are fake. All right, well, call in if you have a firewall. Oh, there's a little trigger. Okay, good to know. Maybe I'll get one. But you gotta think, approaching a woman is so hard. You're coming up with stuff to say, you gotta break the ice immediately.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You're a magician, you go, do some sleight of hand shit, boom, ice broken.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, I mean, it's impressive. You go, how the hell the fuck did you do that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, and the lady goes, how'd you do that? Come on, now you get to keep doing stuff and show her another trick. I mean, you're in immediately.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. It's mystery. Exactly. And you throw some jokes in, too, like, oh, your panties are disappearing tonight. Whatever. It's over. Look at this fucking tool. I love these guys. Look at the leather jacket. These guys are such dweebs. But a lot of comedians started as magicians. Woody Allen, Steve Martin.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I don't want to be looking at another guy, a friend of mine's wife, while I'm married.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Fascinating guy, that Will. Oh, I love him. Man. You got jokes you're working on? Yeah, I do, actually. Let's see what I got. I got one that's hitting, but I can't figure out where to go. By the way, I got that money joke working. We were throwing around for a while.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's a great premise, too. You're doing ads for YouTube. You're showing the thing that's going to. It's like Netflix or Blockbuster doing ads for Netflix.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know? And where the fuck's Blockbuster now?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
yes yes it's like us doing an ad for bodega cat whiskey bodega cat whiskey.com folks no what's a uh yeah what's a famous thing where where they took the guy took him under his wing and then he killed the guy or something there's got to be some story like that like some shakespearean thing but it's got to be like an ad right yeah um
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, this might be too topical, but Kamala was like, Joe Biden's great. He's doing awesome. We love him. And then where's he now? And then she's sliding in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. And then she's like, you better drop out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. It's kind of like the the butler, you know, who's who's working for this giant oil tycoon. And he's like, hmm, he won't last long, you know, and he's like, I'm going to leave you everything in my will. And the butler is like, ah, yeah, I'm going to kill you eventually. And then I'll have the mansion.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But I love the girlfriend posting a photo of the guy that she's like, he's just a friend. He's just a friend. Revolving there. He fucks her. What do you got? That's funny. Have I done the gun porn joke on you?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
So I saw this thing about kids aren't having sex anymore, like teenagers are having way less sex. And everybody says it's because of porn. They're like, porn? All these boys watch porn. So then they don't approach women because they're like, I'm good. I'm satisfied. I don't need to go get shot down by some lady. I already got off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But then they also say that shooting movies makes kids' school shoot. So I'm like, how come porn is making you not fuck, but shooting movies are making you shoot? That's a great angle. And I thought, I think the reason is because porn, you shoot a load. After an action movie, you go see John Wick, they should hand you one pistol and you go, all right, I'm good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, I watched a lot of USA. Remember USA? Up all night. No. With Rhonda Shearer? Oh, man. She was hot. Damn. Oh, Steven Weber, yeah. Steven Weber. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and there was the hot guy, Tim Daly. Yes. He's still a hottie. Oh, yeah. He's like 70. I know, real dilf. The amount of puss he probably got off of this horrific show is mind-boggling. Look at that, all white cast.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, if you shoot a guy, you might feel shame.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
It's not hitting as of now. It's not enough. So I think you're on to something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
yeah they're playing for like eight hours i watched 30 seconds of porn i'm like that was bad you know what i mean funny like an angle i was trying to it's a different bit but uh that's true but i thought the shoot a load it's such a it's such a perfect uh perfect connection a to b yeah they both shoot a load both shoot a load i think the main difference is uh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
No one gets hurt if you shoot a load with porn. You shoot a load with a gun, somebody might get killed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's true, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're close. It's just one little... Say it one more time, shoot a load. The kids are watching porn, it's making them not fuck. But kids, they say kids are watching shoot-em-up movies, and it makes them shoot. So I'm like, why is one making them not do the thing, and one is making them do the thing? You know, and I think, I thought it was because porn you got off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Then get a lady. Yeah. Oh, that might be it. That might be it. That might be it. Yeah. Gun, you just go into a store.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Lady, no one ever goes, this guy's a little weird. I'm not giving him a gun.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's not bad. It's easier to get a gun than a lady. That might be the angle. I think you cracked it. Maybe. I'll try it. I'm going to go noodle with it later. Noodle. I'm going to noodle. I think you cracked it there. Okay, what do you got? Easier to get a gun than a lady. That's big. I mean, you go to a guy's house, he's like, you want to see my gun collection?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
No guy's like, you want to see all these girls I fucked?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Right. Why does that girl have a gag in her mouth? Silencer. It's not bad. Something there. Yeah, there's something there for sure. I like that observation. Maybe something with a porno magazine and the gun magazine, you know, like the bullets. Maybe that's too specific.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, the thing is, you don't have to satisfy a gun. You know, you got to satisfy it. You do have to maintain a gun. You do have to maintain a gun. You got to clean it. You got to buy bullets.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Bullets is like the dinner. There's something here. Silencer, machine gun, automatic, Uzi. Okay, pistol, handgun, handjob. All right. This is how joke writing goes, folks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Maybe something with getting head. Yeah, he got head.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, road head. He didn't even care if his wife was around. He blew right in front of her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Also, it's the only road head that's like a sightseeing tour. You go to Dallas, like, hey, you want to see where the guy got blown up? His face got shot off. I'm sure they do that with Butler, too. Butler, PA.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Wow. Like what? Like a liaison or something? Spies. Whoa.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And if you can nail the accent, that's an extra bonus on the joke. I got a lot of head back in my day. Do not. That wasn't bad. Ask not what the girl can do for you, but where you can shoot it. All right. Oh, yeah, shoot it. There's a lot of... We're both doing gun pussy jokes here, I guess. Yeah, well... It made me think of it. What else you got? That's fun. That's going to be big. That's huge.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
All right, this one's a big misdirect, so I hate to give it away, but I think the misdirect is hitting. I just need more angle here, more of a place to go to take it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
So I'm from Louisiana, and New York is a very progressive city. So whenever my New Orleans friends come up to visit me, I always have to prep my New York friends. Like, watch out, some of these guys are animals. So I'm like, my buddy's coming up. Just letting you guys, giving you a heads up. He's very religious. Old school, like devout.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm talking doesn't like gay people, hates abortion, makes women dress a certain way. And all my friends are like, what? How can you hang out with this piece of shit? He sounds like a real asshole. What is he, Southern Baptist, hardcore Christian? I'm like, no, he's Muslim. And that kills. And it gets one of those like, oh, laughs, you know. And then all my friends are like, oh, he sounds nice.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Bring him up. Let's we'll get some shawarma or whatever the fuck. So I got the misdirect because it just shows how white people, we treat different cultures differently, even though they're basically the same problematic thing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, I mean, I thought of it because of all the Hamas stuff. They're like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
gays for palestine or whatever and you're like what are you kidding they're gonna they're gonna kill you over there but it's because they're over there they're brown or whatever it is i don't know why sure yeah but if you were like fuck we're gonna throw this gang off a roof they'd they'd kill you you know but like if or if i did it but if uh if they do it for somebody it's okay i don't know it's so it struck me as like i can make a bit out of this
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Because that's kind of part of rap culture, bitches, hoes, you know. Yeah. All that. So you kind of let it slide. Who had that great line, PETA never goes to the player's ball and throws paint on them? It's a bunch of rappers in fur coats walking down, and PETA's never like, let's throw paint on them. They're like, we're going to let that one slide. I don't want to get shot or whatever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's a good fucking point. Great point. They're not breaking up dogfights.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
They'll write a post about Michael Vick after he's in jail, but they're not going down there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
So I guess the lesson is you gotta, anybody who criticizes you, shoot them and you can get away with anything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, okay. Because I'm not trying to shit on Muslims, because I know not all Muslims are like that. Not all Christians are like that. Sure. But they totally flipped the script when I was like, he's Muslim. They're like, well, you know, different cultures, different people, you know, who am I to judge? Well, you should judge him, treat him equally. I thought that was what we were doing here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. Yeah. I just hate to leave it at that. That gets a laugh, but then it feels like, and?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, my friend is Muslim, and he's obviously not homophobic or anything, but he was like, it might be funnier if you flip it to Muslim to Christian. You know, like, oh, I was watching this documentary over the Middle East to where these people were. And I think that probably would hit harder because you're laughing at a Christian instead of a Muslim.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
But I like the other way because it's pushing the line.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Exactly. It's a little easier. This has got a little more bite to it, I think.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You know, because we go, hey, priests diddle kids. That's an obvious joke that's been made nine million times, but they don't all diddle kids. It's just, you know, it's a stereotype. That's how jokes work.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, I don't know, because it's hard when you get a laugh, and then you're like, oh, that joke's done.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Same. All these Boston comics, they can, like, stretch out shit, you know, like Gary Gullman and all these guys. List is all these long-taped Apollo.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, but I feel like we just... It didn't come out of the womb there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, and you need to see it with fresh eyes because sometimes you stare at it for weeks and weeks and it's almost like saying a word over and over where it loses its meaning. And then after like two months, you're like, oh, I can go this way.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Let's see if I got a short one. Or hit me with something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
That's a good line. All right, I'll try that. I was going to say, that's like trying to cure your son of gay and sending him to Fire Island. We're going to send you conversion camp.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
you know i can't that's that's good maybe that's shitting on him yeah like i don't think there's a guy a gay guy in hamas like all right time to take my meds yeah gotta turn it on again today and you can think of a funny pill name you know like anti-gay or something there's something there right yeah and i feel like the joke's close all you got to do is find the you got the premise you got i haven't tried it yet so i'll try tonight if you can get the gay what the gay comparison in the middle i feel like it's done
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. There's something there. Yeah, because gay is too perfect. It's perfect. Because you could use other ones like stop drinking, send them to a bar, whatever. But the gay with the turn later is great. The disorder. That was a riff, man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I was like, all right. I was just like, how do I fucking end this? Yeah. Well, what's the gayest place on earth? Broadway? It's pretty gay. Yeah. I'm trying to think. But we love it. Maybe just say the Pride Parade. Yes. You know, like setting your son to conversion camp at the Pride Parade. Got to be something gayer than that. Where are dudes really good? Oh, maybe jail. Sauna. Sauna.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Callbacks. Well done. Yes, the rocks. Then I could lead in your sauna bit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I know, I know. And I feel bad giving away that Muslim punchline. Yeah, but whatever.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
All right, this one's quick, and then we'll wrap it up because we've got a guest coming in later. But all right, so with all these flight delays, cancels, everything, I'm at the airport just screaming at these clerks or whatever you call them, the United guy at the desk. And then you realize it's not his fault.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
The plane is having maintenance issues or there's weather and I'm missing my gig, but I'm yelling at some stranger. I'm like, this isn't fair to this guy. He just works there. So then I thought the airport should hire a guy just to get yelled at. Just hire a guy just to take abuse, take a verbal lashing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And get a guy who's in like S&M Sato mask as shit. So you're like, you piece of shit. I missed Christmas because of you, you worthless motherfucker. He's like, this is the best job I ever had. He's got the desk there, so you can't even see it. I like this. But then that part kind of does well, but I am just doing this, so I'm like, are they just laughing at this? That's funny. Okay.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I love the idea that they just bring out the gimp. Yes, bring out the gimp. I'm going to say that. Bring out the Delta gimp.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. Well, that's a bad combo. Seafood, booze, seasick. That's a rough thing on the stomach there. Yeah. That is hard. But you made it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And then it needed some kind of ending. So I thought, how can I wrap this up? How can I twist this? And then I thought, maybe the guy gets too into it, and then you start apologizing. You know, he's like, tell me I'm worthless. And I'm like, you know what? Keep the voucher. I'll take the train. I'll take Amtrak.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
All right, I'll try it. Is that hitting? The first part is, you know, like, you piece of shit, you motherfucker. And he's like, this is the best job I've ever had. That crushes. But I am just doing this and going, the best job I've ever had. So I don't know. I feel kind of cheap doing that, but it kills.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Bring out the GIMP is a great addition. Bring out the Delta GIMP. That's hilarious. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And it's a fun idea because you want to yell at the guy, but it's just some random dude from Queens. Why is he in charge of all of United?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'll take it. What are you showing us here? What is this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, let's hear it. All right. Play it. Here we go. Meta noise.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm top of the world with valid views. You a picture perfect girl. I'm Sally Q's. I'm positive. Check yourself before you write yourself. I recommend that you deposit it. I'm really funny. Easy money on a danger field. Same time tomorrow. Cause you love me when I pay for meals. I want to kiss her in the shows. I try to be aloof. I am adrift to doing shows. High up on the roof. I never lose.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You can call me Winnie for I thought this was about us. Those were like all my specials he just named. Oh, he did? Oh, okay. I couldn't hear all the lyrics. He said Salacuse before, then he said You've Changed, Same Time Tomorrow. Oh, okay. Sorry. I was like, I thought it was about the pod.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And we can play this with, like, real credits.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, there we go. All right. Sure thing. That's great. I take it all back. I'm such an old honky. I missed all the lyrics.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And shout out to the kids for hanging in there. Most kids go to bed at like 6 p.m. These kids are on a riverboat. They were out cold. Okay. Yeah. Just out on a boat? Yeah. That's wild. Good life. They live a good life. Those tour guides, they always try to be funny. They always try to riff because they have no competition. Because it's crazy. I think Tim Dillon was a tour guide. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I probably wouldn't miss about a year at the same time tomorrow. I know this. Wow. Well done. Metanoiz. Very cool. What does it say? I can't read it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Check them out. Good beat. Good lyrics. I like it. I'm sorry. I questioned it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm all over the road. This comes out in January of 2041, but I'll be in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Fort Collins, St. Louis, Missouri, Atlanta, Georgia, Vancouver, British Columbia, Orlando. Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We just added a show, so let's sell that puppy out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Oh, never been. I'm excited. Newport, Rhode Island for that rogue comedy fest. Monterey, California, Oakland, Winnipeg. And Edmonton, Cleveland, doing hilarities, getting back into it. I've tried to sprinkle some club dates in.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
One of the best. It's such a great club. Great food, great room. Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, Chicago Theater. So let's try to sell that puppy out. What do you got there, Sloppy Jalopy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He was probably funny. He's up on the double-decker like, ah, then Mossad owns this house. Ha, ha, ha.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I love it. The dog's a Kobe fan. What can I say?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'm top of the world with valid views. You will pick your perfect girl. I'm Sally Q's. I'm positive. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. I recommend that you deposit it. I'm really funny. Easy money on a danger field. Same time tomorrow. Cause you love me when I pay for meals. I want to kiss her in the shows. I try to be aloof. I am adrift to doing shows. High up on the roof. I never lose.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
You could call me Winnie. Feel like Travolta playing Bee Gees. Walking through the city. Everything too
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
game but I'm making loose change you're going some rude shade by telling me you changed and that's a joke and I would know it's how I make a living I am a pro and you should know before I play the building watch me kill the bill I filled I'm hot shit Scott Josh built but I'm more ill I got this I really went and told her I don't like being sober sober
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I don't know. Every Native American I've met is shithoused. Yeah. So what the hell? Come on. Yeah, but they're allowed to, but they don't let the others.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And then you do the gig, and they're like, we'll get you a vodka soda, and they give it to you in a sippy cup with a lid and a squirrely straw. You're like, what is this? They give Vita an even smaller one. All right. One time I did a gig at the Miami Improv. Are you doing that soon? I did it a couple weeks ago. Okay. I love that room. It's a great room. The staff is awesome. Great staff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We're here. We're queer. We got the Winchester, the Winston, Zettimore. Wingus. Wingus. Maxipad with wings. Wingosity. Yeah. Something else. TV show. Remember that on USA? Wings. With Tony Shalhoub. He's been around. The other guy, Thomas Hayden Church. I used to love that show. Yeah, man. That was about an airport in Cape Cod. I never watched it. I remember it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Shout out Justin, Melissa. Awesome. The best. They bought me New Balances once just to be nice.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And they're purple and neon. Purple? They're super cool, but I feel guilty. I've never worn them, but they did such a nice gesture.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
I'll pick these out. We got the Barneys. So they pick you up in a limo. It's like the 80s. They pick you up in a limo, and there's some cool Hispanic guy with aviators on. He's like... Yo, SA, what you getting into tonight? I'm like, ah, you know, you're hungover from the flight. I'm like, ah, you know, whatever the town brings me. He goes, you need Coke? You need whores? I got you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Is that Penn from Penn and Teller? No. Who is that? I can't see. My eyes suck. Mr. Belvedere, I think. I don't know. I can't keep up. The 90s. My dad plopped me in front of a TV and said, don't talk to me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And I'm like, oh. And I was like, who else did you get some whores for? And he goes, John Panette. Wow. Apparently Panette would ask for a bottle of tequila when he landed, some blow, and then hookers at night.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. Blowing to be eating that much is weird. Crazy. That ain't good. Farley, too. Farley was a big blow guy. That's right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, right? I mean, well, they want to keep playing, I guess.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. Give me a give me a wide shot. No pun intended of Babe Ruth, because even with the steaks and the booze and the cigars and the hot dogs and the Coca-Cola, he still is thinner than my uncle.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah. I got a lot of this. I'd go, Dad, you're not going to believe what happened at school. He would go. And, you know, as a retarded nine-year-old, you're like, all right, it caught my attention. Well, it's no different now, except it's a fucking iPad or something. Good point. Good point. I'm listening to this Jonathan Haidt. You hear about this guy? No. He's a NYU professor.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Yeah, he looked fat. His little legs could really go, but he's not even that huge. He's got the body type of Winnie, kind of the hefty, the little legs, but the- The fat middle, like he's one long chode. But yeah, he's not even, I guess he's pretty big there, but man, is he an ugly son of a B. No one looks like him. No, no. It's not a normal face. My ex, but I had to get out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
The greatest man who ever lived. Right, right. We loved Babe Ruth. Come on. I watched the Yogi Berra doc. I bet that was good. It's good, but not as, they're like, he was a little dumb, a little slow, immigrant family, barely spoke English, big wop, ugly guinea, about four foot one. They really gave him the business.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He's got a million, it's deja vu all over again. I mean, his lines are like Groucho Marx-esque, but the beauty is he didn't know he was saying funny. He wasn't trying to be funny. He was just kind of slow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And he was just saying it was almost like a kid talking where you're like, oh, that's kind of brilliant, but you don't even know it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Hell yeah. Yeah, I love... I've been on a YouTube kick with... Speaking of iconic, I watched a Michael Jackson dance scene from the MTV Movie Awards in 1995. It's unbelievable! He was unreal. It's like Broadway-level Hamilton, Cats, Les Mis. It's the choreography. Well, all right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
Well, it's just so good. Don't fuck with Cats. But he's like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
it's like 15 minutes long and he never stops dancing at one point he gives like a motivational thing in the middle and he's out of breath and then he goes right back to dancing four costume changes at the end he brings all the kids on stage he hugs them all that was weird but great it's like you don't see that anymore there's no message there's no like hey we gotta end uh apartheid or whatever he's just like killing it and it's raw talent
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
He's like cracking down on phones. He's like, phones are ruining our youth. We got to stop the social media. Highly recommend this guy. But I listen to a podcast with him, and there he is. And he's just making some great points.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 195: Whiskey Business: Bodega Cat
And he does the moon. I got chills. He did the moonwalk, and everybody goes, ah! It's like Elvis.