Episode 199, the aftermath of the infamous birthday dinner. You heard it on TWS, now hear it from the source. We also have some great recs, peeves, bits and comedy! Thank you to 7-Strong for making us look so good, they can make you look good too: Support the show and find strength in style by using the code GOTHAM for $5 off your purchase at https://www.7-strong.com Podcast Sponsors: Support the show and get 15% off your Lumen. Head to https://www.lumen.me/DRUNK Support the show and start your free online Hims visit today at https://www.hims.com/DRUNK Get $50 instantly when you play $5 with code DRUNKS when you Download the PrizePicks app at https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRUNKS Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en
Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. A little gin and soda to get things cooking.
A little early in the afternoon.
Oh, yeah. Don't you hate it if it's 5 o'clock somewhere? I hate that line. I hate that shit. I never got that line.
You have a drinking problem. How about that?
Yeah.
Doesn't sound as good. We're not well.
Next time I blow a guy, I'm gay somewhere. Not here. I hate 5 o'clock somewhere. It's not clever. Get out of here.
He's a ladyboy in Thailand. Is he? I don't know what that means.
I'll take it. By the way, ladyboys, they got usurped by trans. Yeah.
I think they must be pissed. In Thailand, they're actually at odds with each other. Is that right? There's a fight between them.
There you go. It's like Netflix and Blockbuster.
Yeah.
You know, the old one's got to go.
You know who won? Cockbuster. Yeah. I mean, the lady boy, though, is like it's a little bit of both. You got a little both in there.
That's true.
Trans, it's like we've transitioned. Lady boy is like, I still got a little bit from the past.
Good point. You're kind of bi.
Yeah.
And a pedophile. Now here's the other question.
Oh, wait, are they a pedophile?
Well, no, but you said boy. Oh, yeah. So I'm going, you like young, and a woman, boy. I'd go lady man if I was over that. I'd be like, I'd like a lady man. I don't want a lady boy. What am I, a pedophile?
But that just sounds like a hermaphrodite. Oh, yeah. That was the thing. Remember there was the urban legend Jamie Lee Curtis hermaphrodite?
Yeah, that's right. Definitely not true, but. No, not with that bod. She looked good. She definitely went the right way if she had to pick.
Oh, my God.
Would not have been a good man. No, no. That true lie scene would have been ruined. Oof. Wait. Oh, yeah. Lady hermaphrodite was dick and vagina.
Yeah.
Yeah, like the VCR DVD combo.
Little column A, little column B. It's like when you find out the PS4 has Blu-ray, and you're like, oh. Oh, I sense Alec used this. You guys seen this controversy? What is this?
Oh, this is hot. So these cis gals who have OnlyFans are putting dildos in their short shorts. And they're appropriating. Yeah. And trans women are calling them out, saying like, my gender is not your costume.
And then a bunch of women chimed in. They're like, neither is mine. So it's getting dicey on the old interwebs. Either way, I came quick. Yeah.
What's the purpose of the photo?
They cleaned up. They made a ton of money because apparently there's a market for this. Interesting. Cock market. Like the stock market? Okay. The cock market is up.
I mean, so they're just like fake penises in there?
Yeah, it's like a cucumber or something.
Jesus Christ.
Well, Sam's distracted either way. I mean, it's just a lot to take in. I sent this to Shane and he was like, I don't know how to feel. I'm like kind of into it. And then we all went, really? Because it was a big group chat. And he was like, no, no. I'm going to leak that. Damn, that is fucking...
The world's a weird place these days.
It's a wacky time, folks. The president or ex-president was shot in the head. Biden's on the beach. Kamala's Indian and black. I don't know what's going on. J.D. Vance fucked a couch.
No, you nailed it all. You know what's going on. That's the thing, too. It's like, you think about what was, like, taboo even 15 years ago. Like, can you imagine your dad find a DVD? Step-sister porn. We'll have kids someday, and we'll be like, you know. Chicks with dicks?
Yeah. The fuck is this shit? Right. And then in 10 more years, it's like, farmhouse, pals, you know, now you're fucking animals. My wife made a good point. We're getting into wife swap. Not the thing, the show.
Oh, okay. The old show from 2004. I was like, holy shit, you guys are really going for it.
Yeah.
Anyone ever pregnant? It's a crazy Norman drop every week. We're having a baby the next week.
We're fucking our neighbors. But she made a good point. We're watching this. It's a great show. It's like it's it's sociology. It's like really interesting human nature stuff because two families think they're doing it right. And then you flip and they're like ideologies are all torn apart.
The old school Chappelle.
Yes. Yes. But are you going? Ah, shit. That was the fattest answer I've ever heard. He said it all sad, too. I know. He didn't feel good about that. But my point is, A, she was like, the middle class is gone. The whole show is middle class. It's like people with four kids and some guy works at a factory and he's got four kids and a giant house and two cars. That's over.
And then two, there's a lot of like...
uh religious stuff and race stuff and like now it would all be like hey this is uh this is not a safe space i'm offended this is problematic it does none of that they're like fuck you bitch i'll kill you it's just people shitting on each other and ball busting and yelling at each other and there's zero identity politics or like it's just people who hate each other for them exactly it's refreshing
Now everything's got to be like, hey, don't insult my people or that's against my.
We're kind of post race almost now. Oh, 100%. So for everyone saying like, this is how I am, this is how I identify. Most people don't give a fuck. No. Most people will get to know you and hate you for who you are. A hundred percent. And they're OK with that.
Yeah.
And it's, you know, or they'll get to know you and love you for who you are. But but like, I'm with you, dude. It's like no one cares.
No one really cares. Only you care. Right.
Right. It's like you do a thing like, well, this is who I am. It's like, OK, well, you know who cares about that? People who care about you.
Exactly.
If I don't know you, I don't care about you. So I don't give a fuck.
I know, like, as a woman, as a BIPOC, and you're like, I don't give a shit about that. And they're like, but you don't know how I feel. I'm like, but you don't know how I feel. Like, you're a different human being than me. Get out of here. Your feelings are more important than mine, and mine are more important than yours, and I thought the whole point was to be equal.
I thought that's what we were going for, was to be a colorless society.
I think if Martin Luther King had his dream today, it would be, I have a dream, no one cares.
Yeah. We'd never get to it. Yeah. In a dream. Why would I care about your dream, dude?
Yes, exactly. Was I in the dream? No, I don't care.
I'm already tuning you out, dude.
There was a man with no face, and I was on a cliff in my old hockey jersey, and you're like, shut up. Who cares? Move on. Is there sex? Get to the sex.
Yeah, sex dream I'll listen to, especially if I'm in the sex dream.
Yeah, that was the best.
Especially if that chick with the dick is talking about sex dream.
Talk about it. Remember those days when a girl in high school would be like, I had a weird dream about you, and you were like. I know. What happened? That was how bad we were at flirting.
Yes. That was like how you feel it out. We thought that was subtle. Oh, yeah. You were in my dream the other night. Like, all right, just fucking get to it. Oh, yeah.
And I had such low self-esteem. They're like, I think Christy likes you. I'm like, no, she hates me. They're like, dude, she had a dream about you. And I was like, no, shut up.
I know. If a guy says it, it doesn't sound as good.
No.
You were in my dream the other night. Oh, my God. I need a restraining order.
Yeah, you got to stop taking Ambien. All right. Cheers. Cheers. Mazel. Thank you, Peters. Woo, chicks with dicks.
We're going out early. Felt fucking bad about that birthday party, guys. That was brutal. Oh, tell us about your dinner.
We're going to talk about this dinner.
I mean, can we all blame Gary for that? Yes. Because I wanted to leave the second we got there. Well, set the table.
That's true.
No pun intended. So Gary Veeder, one of my best friends in the world, you guys know, and one of your best as well.
Yeah, great guy. First guy I've ever met in comedy. We've had him on the show. Friend of the show. Killer comic.
He tours with me on the road every week. And his hit thing on the road, if you don't know Gary, is like, I want every meal to be a home run. Not just good, but he's like, we're eating at the best place in the city. Now, the best place isn't always the most expensive, thank God, but it often is. And Gary has hurt my wallet in the past.
Oh, yeah.
Because he'll be like, this place is great. And you get to the restaurant, he's like, it's supposed to be great. And you're like, oh, cool, $67 entrees. Thanks, Gary. Yeah, right. And then he's like, it's good fish. Fucking prick. But that's like, you know, many days in a row. We eat well because it's important to him. And it's become a thing on the road. Yeah.
And Gary goes, we're eating at this place, Emilio's Bellato on Houston. This is primo dago grub. It is and it isn't. I thought it was good food, but it also was like, there's better shit.
I agree. I mean, reputation-wise, I mean. Like, it's hard to get a table. It's a lot of celebrities. Yeah.
Yeah. You know, and we didn't have a slouch table either. We didn't let people there.
You got to get up for Salicus. We were killing it.
We roll in there, and already I'm kind of like, let's just go. The vibe was bad. The waiter was a prick.
Huge prick.
He was a huge prick. You can get here when everyone's seated, and we're like, all right, it's 15 people. For 13 we can't seat. He's like, it's got to be all 15. I love that. All right, yeah. Is someone going to be using the table? We're ordering drinks in this time, right? Right. But he was being a prick, and I was kind of like, you know what? It wasn't just what he was saying.
It was the way he was saying it. Yep. He was kind of a trash bag.
A bit of a dumb wop, and he gave me this one. I go, hey, I'm just checking in for a big reservation. He goes, how many? I go, 15. He goes, well, we'll see about that.
Yeah, it was that type of, like, oh, cool. This fucking guy's the waiter right here?
Yeah, yeah.
Holy fucking no nuts.
This is what a reservation is. We're here. We're here to eat. We called ahead for this exact reason. Well, we'll see.
Oh, it's the Seinfeld episode. I know you know how to take the reservation.
Yeah.
It's the keeping of the reservation you have a problem with. So already he was a dick. And he was a dick to Mark. He was a dick to me. And it was a thing where I was kind of like, you know what? Fuck this place. So I said, let's get out of here. Multiple times. You did. My girlfriend's giving me shit. She goes, you always do this. I go, no, but I have no problem saying fuck this shit and walking.
I want to walk. Whatever. I said, let's go to Arturo's. It's a few blocks away. Arturo's always treats you well. Great pizza. Love it on Houston. Gary's like, but this is special. Gary's kind of like, this is special. I made this. And it's like, all right, I get it. I understand. Let's go here.
And he put the work in.
He put the work in.
It's hard to call every comic and set it up and call the restaurant. And I'm grateful for it.
And I love you, Gary. I do. But I got a really bad vibe out of the gate. Yeah. We go in there. They're just like, how about we just bring out a lot of stuff?
Yeah, it was another where Gary fucked up. He goes, bring the hits. He said, bring the hits, which they go jackpot.
You want to see a menu? He said, you want to see a menu? And Gary said, no, just play the hits.
But you know, when someone says that, it doesn't say bring out so much shit that you're going to rape. They turned it into like a prefix where they charge us like over 300 a person. Yeah, yeah. And we had people popping in and out. That's true.
So now you have a person pop in and just leave. A guy didn't eat is going to get charged. I won't spoil it, but he'll get charged.
And Ronon is poor.
ronan's poor wilson vince is living in a tent under a highway yeah leading the cuban revolution with that beard yeah uh and no it's it's a disaster and the food was solid the food was pretty good but it's noodle it wasn't yeah it wasn't that good it wasn't that fucking good and the guy was by the way the waiter's cursing non-stop which i know we curse but we're comedians it's weird to be in like a family restaurant a guy's like yeah get the
fucking uh thing i'm like what is this also he threatened to oh god he almost got whacked i mean he almost took him out of the back pictures he's like i'm gonna throw you out of here yeah so i was using the flash he was like no flash in here yeah yeah and then you kept flashing of course yeah but uh yeah you almost got thrown out then you had salad skews had to talk to a man who mono we mono remember that you had to go take the back to him yeah yeah
We got to burn this fucking place down like Vesuvius.
Yeah. Well, they got a bad attitude. I think it's that New York like- Or Italianissimo.
Is that the one? Oh, no. Which is the one they burned down? It was Vesuvius, right? I don't know. I'm looking it up. Well, I got to get the fucking Sopranos trivia right. Anyway, they bring the check and Vitor won't let me fucking pay. He won't let me chip in. And it's over five grand.
52 hundo. There's the bill. To be exact.
So they just gave us like a prefix per person without consulting us. Yeah. And the food was fine. It was fine. It wasn't-
great it wasn't bad yeah it was fine what's his face levitard over here levitardo he got a 65 cocktail how do you get a 65 cocktail because he got the uh that good tequila with the bell on it whatever that shit is um class azul class azul is no joke a bottle that's like 900 well he's done pretty well in his life yeah yeah well don't tell vita's gonna be furious But so I felt bad. So I put a card.
I was fucking embarrassed. I was like, I don't want to fucking, you know, let me put in. I was like, Jesus, I get it.
Have you done, dude?
I get it.
Yeah.
I'm sure Vito will make me pay for this shit next tour.
Yeah. Well, it's good that he paid because he owes you for all the years of your restaurants that you went to. And he picked this fucking joint.
But I was I was like, fuck, you don't pick that. You get Arturo's with the big group. I was but I thought they were just going to bring out a bunch of things that would be reasonable. But it wasn't. A steakhouse wouldn't charge you this much.
One steak is $95 at a top shelf place. And this place added a 25% tip. Look at that. $983 tip. God, for getting yelled at. Yeah.
This guy's like, oh, suck my fucking bean bag. And he's like, that'll be $900. Yeah, exactly. I gave you the suck my bean bag special. Fucking trash bag.
We got screwed. These guineas raked us over the coals all day long.
We had a good case until Mark broke out the slurs. I was like, I think we're going to get a try behind us. Then Mark's like, these whop fucking dagos. I'm like, wait, slow down.
What's the guy from Sopranos? Frankie? I feel like that stripper he took out back and beat the shit out of him until she died. Yeah, yeah, that's me. I'm the stripper. Ralph clocked me around and beat me up.
Except the baby you're carrying was Vitor. God damn it.
I want to fuck that host with a gun to his head like Richie.
Richie April. So it was $346 a head. That's fucked up. Because we didn't get that much.
No. I took a few veal legs home. Did you? Yeah, I put those right in my pocket because I was like, I dropped $17.55 on the whole thing. Your poor lady had to drop $17.55 and then Vitor put $17.55.
I love you guys. I owe you. I owe you big time.
By the way, I don't mean to rat out your girl, but you did a fucking gangster move at the end.
Oh, it was pretty fun.
Oh, yeah, I missed that. So she was like, I'm paying what? And she saw what she had to pay. She signed her name, and she immediately opened her purse, took out three saucers from the table, just three plates, shoved them in her purse sideways, and left.
No way! I've been drinking coffee off him every morning. Well, that's a keeper.
That's marriage material.
Nice little memory. Man, I love that. But that was a fucking, I mean, look, it was a fun-ass dinner. It was so fun. Well, next time we'll do Arturo's. We'll do something that's not stupid. Yeah, right. That was fucking insane.
Chick-fil-A.
Yeah.
Next year.
Raising canes.
Yeah.
Oh, that's fun.
I mean, look at these beauties.
Yeah.
Oh, that's great. That's great. By the way, trying to get money out of Will, not easy.
Damn. I'm going to have to pay him extra. I'm going to have to slide in money. Yeah.
Oh, these are great.
Classic. Ari showing up with, yeah, good stuff.
Oh, that's great. There's Will making a black joke.
Yeah, Will's gift, a book on white privilege.
Yeah. Oh, look at that. That was right before the 9-11 attack. We're all having a good time. Then the towers hit when that bill showed up. It is terrorist behavior to just sneak attack you like that in a bill. Completely. It is. And you can't refute it. You can't be like, whoa, how did we get to that? Because they're like, you said the hits. They got us by the balls.
Fucking crazy. Veeder.
Veeder. There he is, that fucking rat. Look at him. We got to whack him. It's a thankless job to put all of us together like that. I love you, Gary. And then not only did he get fucked with the bill, but now we all hate him.
This next bus run is going to be Porsche on my wallet. I know that we're going to be stopping in places where I'm like, fuck.
yeah I mean I feel like you gotta put the foot down at some point like tonight Wendy's I do sometimes fuck you tomorrow we're going to when he starts to be a dick on the road when he starts to get in the mood or something I'm like we're doing fucking we're doing ranch one for dinner but got a good chicken sandwich I'll fucking I'll hit him every once in a while with ranch one remember pluck you yes pluck you pluck you I kinda like I liked ranch one that fucking that chicken sandwich not too bad yeah roasted red pepper sauce just mayo but it was good
yeah that was good i love when they try to get high flute with the sauce subway did that they're like hey we got chipotle and you're like this is pink mayo this is mayo with like a green thing it was kind of good though i loved it dude subway feels like is just like subway feels like a chick that was like a really hot freshman that showed up like senior year and it's just disgusting yeah what the fuck happened to subway i know his friend joe list got a sandwich his friend
Our friend.
He's my buddy. Our friend.
$21.
$21.
$21.
We looked it up.
It was 2011 was when they stopped doing that campaign. Whoa.
Yeah.
Damn.
I'm literally walking. I'll take one $5 foot long. What are you, fucking 80? 17 years ago, sir. I got that every day for like three years. That was 2011.
I remember when a one foot sandwich used to cost $5 in my day. Shut the fuck up. Wow. Subway sucks. It's gotten so bad. I used to eat it all the time. It's gotten so fucking bad.
Yeah, and somebody told me, I had a friend who worked there, he's like, it's all the same meat. Yeah, of course. So buckle up. The meatballs, the turkey, the crab. The tuna's dolphin. Oh, that's pretty good. It's a real animal.
They're slaughtering some fucking poor animal in Taiji. They're like, enjoy this. It's 3,000 grams of sodium. It'll fucking kill you.
Yeah, and I heard the turkey is yoga mat. Yes. No, the bread. Oh, the bread. The bread is yoga mat.
Yeah. I smell some downward dog cooch on my sandwich. Great. Someone had the thing. I went to an Indian restaurant the other day. It was Subway.
Whose joke was that? He had a whole Subway chunk.
It might have been Gaffigan. It might have been Patton.
It might have been Patton. He had another chunk. John Patton. They had a competing Subway chunk going on. Yeah. But Gaffigan had a whole thing just based on the name. Subway, does that make you want to eat sandwiches? The Subway, the homeless, the tunnels, the mole people, the rats?
He said the turkey, they're like stingy with it, like it's money. They're like, all right, here's one, here's another.
Little slices. How about a tells joke? He's like, I went in the subway. The guy put the gloves on. He goes, nah, raw dog. So good. So good.
That's such a good joke, dude. Oh, yeah. Goddamn.
Now, we're riding the gossip train. Choo-choo. Uh-oh. I want to hear about Kill Tony with Chad Daniels. The whole internet's abuzz.
What are they saying?
Well, Chad had an altercation with a handicapped guy, and then he went at it with- With a handicapped guy?
No, he had it with William Montgomery, that guy.
I heard there was some handicap in there at first.
Who was the handicapped guy he had a thing with?
The handicapped guy goes, oh, I was driving here the other day. And he goes, you drive? And the guy was like, yeah, you don't think I can drive? Oh, he was joking.
The driver guy was joking. 2.5 million views? Yeah, this is a big show. Two weeks ago.
Yeah. No, I remember the one. The William Montgomery one, I got shit for walking off and people were like, oh, you couldn't, someone was like messaging me. I had a few people like, oh, you couldn't handle a smoke or something. He was yelling. I'm like, it was like two and a half hours into a show where they were serving me vodka or whiskey sodas by the pint glass. Right.
Maybe I have to pee at some point. Yeah, exactly. And it was like literally the point where I just whispered to Tony. I'm like, dude, I really gotta fucking pee. I've been holding it for like 30 minutes. I didn't, it's like, you think the show's wrapping up for a while.
Yeah, it's long.
And they're like, we have another guest. I'm like, I'm going to piss my pants.
Yeah. So this is the guy with the driving. I feel bad because, you know, Chad is doing great. He's got a Netflix special. He gets on Kill Tony. He's probably like, hey, this is a big platform. I'm going to get some views.
He did Rogue and Ansegur that week, too.
Ah, then this shit happens. Because this is a tightrope, this Kill Tony. Because you want to be funny but not too mean. It's a tough one. Is this it, Mark? Yeah. This is the first thing. I think go for the gumry. The red-headed homeless guy. No, I think they were having fun with each other. Oh, okay. Afterwards, they were laughing about it.
Well, the internet's already made multiple videos about how it was bad and Chad fucked up and all this. But you were there, so.
I was there for part of it. I left at a certain point because I was like. You didn't come back? No, I came back. Maybe he was still there. I don't remember. I had a few in me. This guy was my favorite.
Oh, wow. Willie Nelson over here.
He fucking knew the Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez, and he was talking about it. He called him Richie at one point. I was like, Richie? You had a nickname for one of the most notorious fucking serial killers?
You know, me and Theo Bundy, we used to... That's exactly what I said. Oh, really? I said Teddy Bundy. There you go. All right, well, maybe it was... I just saw the internet was abuzz, and I saw you were on it, so I was like, oh, perfect.
Yeah, it didn't seem that bad to me when I was there, but I did have to pee like a motherfucker.
Oh, here we go.
Are you guys like old friends or something like that? I don't know about it. What is going on right now? This is absolutely incredible. It's like you make fun of how I fucking talk. You say something about my fucking dog.
See, I think Chad's like, I'm out at this point. I'm not going to even talk anymore. He's not going to get more oxygen? Yeah. All right. Does he get weirder than this? I don't know. I haven't actually watched it.
Sorry. I just think he does this as part of the- This is his move. It's like his character. It's like wrestling. Yeah, exactly. He's turning on you as a joke. Yeah. But I was already kind of like, I think he just chose, he was going to probably attack from what I gather afterwards. Tony's like, oh, I forgot to tell you guys he does that. It's such a hilarious thing. Yeah.
It's like, I forgot to tell you my dog is rabid. Yeah. But he turns on one of the judges usually, and I was like, well, I guess he picked Chad. And then I was just like, too, thank God he picked Chad, because I don't want to bail mid-argument with a guy to pee.
But I was like, I'm peeing either way. And it's one of those things, not to shit on the guy, because he's a regular, but like, what do you do with that kind of humor? Like, I like jokes. I like fucking around. He's just yelling at me like, you know, I'm like, yeah. Hey, are you homeless? I don't know. It's like a weird interaction. I don't know how to save that.
Right.
So that's a tough one as a comedian.
Yeah, I was kind of like, they were just kind of going. I was like, I don't really know what to chime in. I was in there for a while. Like, all right. And then, you know.
I'm with you. I would have just been like, it's on, Chad. I'm out.
Yeah.
Because I don't know what to do with the yelling. I'm like, can we go back to being comedians?
Yeah, if you're going to, like, zing me or something, it's different.
I love a zing.
Yeah, yeah.
Zing me all day.
But just the yelling, yeah. I wouldn't know what to do with it either, probably.
Yeah. And he's done it to me before, and I'm just like, whoa. Are we done yet? I don't know. This is not my kind of humor. I'm not saying it's bad. I just don't know what to do here. I like jokes and stand-up.
Well, you're like a yes-and type of guy.
Sure, yeah. I like improv. Do I yell with you? I don't know what to do. I talked to him afterwards.
He was very nice. But I think it's like a character.
But I think the problem is Chad is a man. Chad will beat your ass. He's a Minnesota hockey-playing, beer-drinking dude. So I think he's like, this guy's yelling at me? What the fuck's going on here? I don't know if he knows the... The schtick.
That would be a great episode of Kill Tony. Comedian curb stomps open mic. You fucking bitch. Like, no, no, no.
Eh, it's going to happen on Kill Tony eventually. You think so? Oh, eventually somebody's going to snap.
Yeah, one of these fucking open micers maybe has a bad set and is just like, fuck it, I'm going down in flames.
Yeah, yeah.
Just takes off Harlan Williams' head or something.
Someone goes down. Well, have you seen the pen of whack jobs that are waiting to get on Kill Tony? It's like circus freaks. So eventually one of them is going to be full schizo and then, you know... Greg Fitzsimmons is going to be like, yeah, you got that right, you homo. And he's going to snap. That's coming. By the way, Greg's new special is great. That's my rec.
Yeah, we got to get Greg on here. I love Greg. We tried to get him on, but we'll get him in like the next couple months probably.
Yeah, so funny. Like I was in Mexico. Just got back from Mexico yesterday. How was it? It was great. It was in Guadalajara. I fucking love Mexico. I try to go every time I can. I've been twice. But I went as a kid a lot. But I was in Mexico and I was lonely because, you know, your phone isn't working. I'm in the shitty hotel. Why are you in the shitty hotel? I don't know. I look good online.
And I almost changed it, but I don't have it in me. I text my manager. I was like, should I change the hotel? And he's like, send me some photos. Cement shower, one towel. A weird goo. You open the window, it's just a guy staring in. Yeah. Yeah, the bed was rock hard. It was like a cement slab. I hate that. My back still hurts from the bed.
Even nice hotels have shitty beds. That's true. Even nice hotels. I'm like, can we get a decent pillow in here? I know, the pillows.
What is it?
It's a fucking piece of paper. It's like, who sleeps on this shit?
You got to ball it up and fold it up to get some cushion.
One hotel should be like, we got the good pillows. Oh, yeah. Think all the business you're going to get. That's true. I mean, you stay in a bad hotel, those pillows will fucking kill you. I think for a minute, Weston was like, we have good pillows.
All right. Yeah. When I used to see the guy carrying a pillow at the airport, I'm like, look at this fucking pussy. He can't leave his house without a pillow? Jesus Christ. And then I'm like, I get it. Now I get it.
But what's a good pillow to you might not be a good pillow to me. What's a good pillow to you? True. I like a little give, but firm. Okay.
I like flatty. How about you? You would have loved my ex. I'm with you. I like firm, but a little bit of give. But you need some neck support.
How you're supposed to sleep is on your back with a pillow. You really should be sleeping with three pillows if you talk to a specialist. You should have one under your knees here. You have one memory foam or something like that under your shoulders. And then on top of that, staggered, it should be your neck. So you should be sleeping on your back, but no one sleeps on their back. No one.
On your side?
On my stomach. Really? Yeah. So I was, yeah, butt in the air just waiting to get railed. So wait, what do you mean?
You sleep like this?
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Let me see if I can do it.
Yeah. Let me see. Let me see if you nail this. Yeah, that's how I sleep. Really? Yeah. Whoa. Not with the legs in the air like that, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's how I sleep. That's not bad. But with a pillow under too, so I'm like back here. So I think that's not great for your neck. Yeah. But think about it, man.
You're like on a fucking, like if I get acupuncture, dude, I will fall asleep on the table because I'm so comfortable. Oh, wow. Yeah.
What are you, side? My back.
Oh, all right.
You sleep on your back?
Yeah, all night. Good for you. I fucking hate you for saying that.
Like this?
Yeah.
Like that, and then I put a T-shirt over my eyes.
Whoa.
And it stays there all night. That's how much I don't move.
They make sleep masks.
Yeah, get a sleep mask. But sleep mask tugs your face tight.
No, I got a good one. I got a good one. Really? I like a good sleep mask. Just the thing.
T-shirt?
I bring a sleep mask on the road because you never know if you get one of those hotels that they don't have good blackout curtains. That's true.
I go side, clan hood. No. Yeah, I'm all side. I'm that guy. Yeah. I'm Steph Curry. Ooh. Yeah. I need the side, and I rotate throughout the night. So how's your pregnant wife sleeping? She is side as well. And I bought her a pillow wedge that kind of the belly can rest on. Wow. Yeah. That's so considerate. I just took it from Peters when he was fat.
She rolls. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. I never thought about that. I guess like, fuck, if I was a woman sleeping on my stomach, just going to fucking crush a baby.
Crush the baby. That's why sex is weird. We're doing doggy. We're doing legs up. Yeah, because you can't fuck with that stomach. And luckily, I got years of fucking fat chicks in my belt.
Hell yeah. You ever fuck dangerous? You fuck her like by the staircase, but you don't put her down? I fuck her in the closet. I'm like, see that coat hanger?
That could be you, baby.
Is the sex good pregnant? I mean, it must be funny. You're like fucking a different woman kind of. That's true, yeah.
It's like cheating, but like with a fat chick. There's that, and she's huge and pregnant, so she appreciates it. She's like, thanks for fucking me, which a woman's never told me. So that's nice.
This is, like, amazing.
It's great, and she's having more feelings. Like, I put it in, and she's like... She goes full turkey on me. And it's great, because before I put it in, she was like... So, yeah, there's more hormones and sex and feeling down there, I guess, apparently. Which is a weird biological thing. Why would the body make sex feel better when you're pregnant? I would say, I would wager, to keep you around.
Ooh!
But wouldn't it keep her around? No.
If she's more horny, it means she's offering you more sex, which means keeping the partner around. Biologically. That's good. Yeah. Just a guess.
God's like, she's going to look gross. Yeah. So? No, I think you're right. She's going to get really into it. Give that a go. No, there are dudes that are kind of into it, though. Like, she's got a little belly. Her tits are bigger.
tits are bigger that's great but they're like blue veins and they look like they're gonna break it's like the water balloon where you're like nope don't put it no more yeah and i'm like but it's kind of cool it's cool yeah it's definitely like a different person it definitely adds another kind of layer to mixes it up mixes it up are you are you worried for when you have a kid and he's gonna start tugging on those things
A little, yeah. And she's already, like, I'm doing the lift. I'm getting a lift when it staggers. Yeah, she's already, that's her call.
It says increased blood flow and sensitivity. There it is. And genitals may lead to higher levels of sexual arousal.
It's wetter, it's wilder, it's freakier, yeah.
Sounds like a fun Six Flags event.
The wet and wild pregnant woman. Oh, yeah. Well, I got six inches of steel.
You know what I saw? I saw a thing recently on the internet that was like, you know, men show up or something like this. It's like men will say they have a decent penis and show up with six inches. Uh-oh. If you're not satisfied at all with that, maybe it's you. Right. It's like saying a man will take you out to dinner and just get you an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. Feeder.
Yeah, that's a good point. And then some women... Look, I'm not huge, but I've been with some women where they're like... All right, all right, all right. Don't put it all the way in. You're like, whoa, what are you doing with other men? Love those women. I love those women, too. One was black, by the way. Whoa. Yeah, we all know her. But yeah, she was like, whoa, easy, easy.
She's limping, then she walks away normal like Kaiser Sosa.
Yeah, right. That was fucking fine. The lips would turn me on. But yeah, there's different vagina, because we always talk about dick sizes. There's got to be vagina size. Of course, yeah. So, you know. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Yeah, put that in your cooch and weigh it.
Yeah. So, fellas, find yourself a small clam broad.
A medium. Yeah, that's right. It's funny. We're looking for small. Not too small because you don't want it to be like fucking like, you know, the whole time you're like, all right, it's not fucking. Once again, the answer is ladyboys.
What are we doing here, fellas? Yeah.
That's all anal. But then, Peters, you're 6'6". Oh, you're 6'4"? 6'4". I thought you were taller.
You got a big presence about you, though. Yeah, you do. He also wears, like, the types of sweaters that, like, kind of, like, old-school manly men wear.
Yes, yes. Like a dad who hits his kid. Yeah. That kind of sweaters. Like a dad that will, like, grab your wrist, and you're like, Dad, no! Yeah. Oh, man. My dad had the angry, God damn it! When he did that thing, I was like, oh, it's over.
I've met your dad. It's so funny. He's so soft-spoken at the times I've met him.
Crazy. He's just mellowed out. He mellowed out, and he got on some antidepressant. I think it totally feminized him a little. When I was a kid, though, it was like, temper, scary, throw a whiskey glass across the room.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
It was kind of cool.
Yeah.
that's such an abusive type of just like a chug of fucking whiskey and throw it at your kid yeah he had uh clean that shit up oh there he is with the lip wrist you caught you caught him on a bad moment there no one would ever be scared of this man but when he were a kid he was like the guy in la confidential who cracked the chair he looks like mr burns right now look at this shit the hell's going on uh that's a that's a bad we gotta kind of cut that that's a great pic of you too
Yeah, that part's great.
You guys look cool.
Glam. This is me going, oh, God, marriage. Oh, fuck. Oh, no, what have I done?
Your dad knows what's ahead. Oh, yeah. That's a great dress. Is this her after wedding dress?
Yes, yes. I mean, that's how into it she got. And this is my after-wedding smoking jacket.
Yeah, I like that look, man. Oh, yeah. Very Hefner, very cool.
That's all tuxedo, blacktux.com.
Free plug. Didn't Rogan get you a crazy suit?
He did, yeah. What happened with that? I wore it out drinking with Ari and Sal recently. Boy, you feel like a million bucks. It says MN on the cuffling. The opening says Mark Norman suit. What store was it? I think it's Emilio Bellotto. It was some crazy Italian guy. The guy showed up. He looked like Sal... What's his name? Sebastian Maniscalco. Just like a hot Italian guy.
He weighed, he measured you. He's all up in there. He's like, you want this kind of cut, that kind of cut? How do you wear it? How do you like it? Best thing ever. I'll never not wear this suit.
Just takes, I think, six inches.
You've got to do better than that.
Yeah, no, that's cool, man. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, suits are fucking... Look how cool he looks in that fucking shirt. He looks great. How about your shirt? Yeah, I'm rocking it, too. I think I did this before you. No way. I think so. When did you make that? I've had this for a while. I want the receipt. I'll look it up. Because we can look this up, too. How long have you had the backdrop?
I'm going to go with a year. Oh, I definitely had this longer than a year. Oh, really? Yeah. I got the Nicholson one, too. Yeah. Fucking... Dude, I got a rec for you, speaking of LA... Please. I'd never seen MASH till last night. Oh. I saw it halfway through back in the day. I was dating a girl who was like, this is boring. I was like, it's hilarious.
But I was just like, you know, you're just like, fuck it, let me just salvage the night. Yeah. Yeah, I watched it last night. I fucking loved it.
Robert Altman, that theme song is so sad. It's amazing.
Suicide is fine. Painless. Painless, yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude, the... they're just torturing that woman sally kellerman yeah they just torture her because it's like so funny because she's uh she's not in the shit like they are so they're like fuck her we'll torture her to make her one of us is that the first movie to tv show ever Yeah, I feel like for a while it went the other way.
It went like, because they did like The Fugitive and then that was the movie. True, true. Nash is fucking, Altman's fucking great.
Altman's always great.
Also, if you've never seen Nashville, Nashville's fucking incredible.
I gotta watch Nashville.
That's a great one.
Better than MASH? It's so different. Okay.
It's such a different vibe, but it's so good, man.
Pop quiz, what does MASH stand for?
Mobile, Army, Surgical.
Hospital?
Yeah, is that it?
I don't know.
I think it's Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Yeah, I think that's it. Wow, that would be something.
Pornhub, just as we found. Just a chick with a dick pops up like that. Six inches? Surgical. Oh, here we go. Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. We got it. All right, now here's another one. Okay. Scuba.
Oh, I have no idea. Subcutaneous surgery.
off contained i don't know i never would have got that one oh shit scuba nice nailed it have you ever scubed i snorkeled never scubed same i think snorkel is good enough for me that's all i need the surface i get the yeah i like to know i can go back up yeah they shark tank people you know the people who were in that that cage yeah never oh my god yeah what are you thinking
People love it. They get in that cage and they feel safe. Not me.
Have you not seen Jaws? I know. Like, fuck that shit. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I saw a surfer just talking about, he was on Edelman's, the pod he used to do with Julian Edelman. He was Laird Hamilton. Oh, yeah. And he was talking about how he would, you know, he'd just get out of the water. He's like, I sensed a shark.
I guess you just like, you surf that much, you have a sense for when they're coming. He's like, I got out, but right behind me was a hammerhead. Can you imagine how scared you would be?
Oh, we bitch about hecklers. These surfers have a deal with great white.
But was it a shark from Jersey?
Was it a bachelorette shark? Yeah.
So I do have an answer on the first TV show developed into a movie. It was Dragnet or the other way around. Sorry.
Wait a minute. Dragnet came out in the 80s, though. Oh, I guess there was a movie. Yeah. I'm thinking of the Dan Aykroyd, Tom Hanks.
Oh, okay. Translated over to the big screen in 1954.
But now I feel like it goes the other way, like they did Get Shorty, the TV show.
Yeah. Now it goes to TV. That's true. Yeah, I'm trying to think of another one that they did to a movie or a TV show.
Well, back in the day, it was a big deal when your TV show would make, like South Park made a movie.
Oh, yeah. Right? And now I feel like it's. Oh, Starsky and Hutch and Dukes of Hazzard became both horrible movies, but they did it. I think we ran out of ideas for a while. Actually, still.
What do you got? You got any recs?
Well, I got the Fitzsimmons special. Check it out. It's on YouTube now. I think it's got about 100, 200K views. He's a great guy. Great guy. He had a great bit about baseball that I can't remember now. But just cool to see. No one commands a room better than Fitzsimmons. That guy is just in the pocket. I'm listening to every word. You're never bored.
He just knows how to deliver a stand-up really well.
This is your rec?
That's Mark's wreck. Chimp crazy.
It's good?
It's... I got through the first one. Oh, the second one's... There's a great cliffhanger after two. And it's the Tiger King guy. Yeah, it's the guy who made Tiger King. He sort of couldn't make a number two because he was so well known. He couldn't get back into the animal world. So he hired a proxy director. to direct it for him to be the face of it.
But it's him. And they rip that face off of a lady.
Okay, yeah, I definitely will watch this. It's the Tiger King guy. Yeah. Did I already wreck Bad Monkey on Apple?
Oh, you did. I got to watch that. I got to watch that. My wife hates Vince Vaughn, so I haven't been able to watch it. Who hates Vince Vaughn? She thinks he's a smart-ass piece of shit. That's why I love him. That's why I like him, too. It's great. I do see, like, Deadpool. I haven't seen the second one. I heard it's pretty good. But I just don't love the smarmy comedy for two hours.
I just don't love the break in the fourth wall that much. That much. I understand, like, a little bit, but it's, like, the whole movie, it's just, like, it's fine. I didn't dislike it, but it's, like, a thing where it's... It gets to a point where it's like, this is just fan service.
Yes, yes. It gets to a point where like, that's cool to do that. Sure. But like. Can't lean on it. It's like breaking on SNL. You can break every now and then. It's fun. Oh man, Jimmy Fallon's losing it. But if you do it every sketch, it loses the magic.
Well, it's exactly. And I think, you know, at a certain point, like Marvel, they know what they have. So right. Tell me they'll it's weird to watch one of those at home because they have these moments that are like meant for applause. Yeah. So like you just watch at home. You're like, he's just standing there.
It's like watching a neighbor show up and open the door in a sitcom and he's just like this. And you're like, there's no applause.
Yeah, yeah, right. I just don't care about Marvel. My friend was opening for me and he was like, dude, they made this joke, they made that joke. And I'm like, well, I don't even get that joke. He's like, the joke is Hawkeye was in the wrong spot. I'm like, I don't care.
Who gives a fuck about Hawkeye or whatever? My girlfriend loved it, so I went to see it with her. I'm such a fucking idiot. I booked in one of those RPX things. It's supposed to be cool because it's like a shaking chair and makes noise. There's so many showtimes for this movie still that I picked the wrong time, but luckily we just walked into another theater, but then we had to see it normal.
But, yeah, she wanted to see it. And she was, like, dying. Really? Well, look, there's a fucking hilariously ugly dog in it. It's so ugly that he's cute. Right. I don't know if you saw that dog. Pull it up. Longer hanging tongue than even Wingus. Okay. But, yeah, I mean, it's not, like, bad. It's just also, like, it's, like, what you expect.
Yeah.
You would love Gambit.
He's got a great character. Oh, all right. He's from NOLA. Whoa.
Well, that dog has a great life now. It was rescued. It was voted the ugliest dog. And now the dog's famous.
How long until PETA gets like, hey, that's mean. You can't call the dog ugly. It's body shaving. But this dog's so ugly that it's kind of cute. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like Ron Perlman. That is a crazy looking mutt. Holy shit.
But yeah, dude. I got, fuck, I had a peeve too. I had a thing.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I had a peeve, too. Hold on.
Ooh, this is a peeve. People who send you a really long text and then sign their initials at the end. Oof. What is this? Your book signing? Like, what the fuck? Dash L. Oh.
Dash B, D. Well, you know what I mean? Yeah. My dad, he'll write a long thing and write dad. But I think he's just like an old boomer guy who doesn't know how to use his phone.
It's different. I've had older... It only annoys me when young people do it. Yeah. When older people do it, I think it's like, oh, I don't know how technology works. Like I had Leno text me once and he finished it with J. That's kind of cute. That's kind of cute.
It's like an older guy. Endearing. You know like those texts you show when the person dies? You're going to show that one because it's fucking signed. People do that. Oh, really? Yeah, like Jay Leno dies. You're like, here's him talking to me in the young comic, and it's signed Jay.
No, Max, I'm not going to make his death about me. Guy who does that. Guy who's over in the moment. Let me just say... No, actually, when Jay Leno dies, I'll mourn the loss of an entertainer.
For the record, if I go, if I kick the bucket, do not show text at my funeral. Just saying, I'm putting that out there now. Please. Norman called Peter's a f***er in 2024. You know, whatever it is.
If I speak at that funeral, Mark always said comedy.
There you go.
But today, there's no laughing matter.
I love the headline, funny man dies on my way. It happens to everybody.
I date someone who works in sports, so she comes in the other day and it's a tragic story about these two hockey players who got killed by the drunk driver in Jersey. She walks in the bedroom and goes, tragedy in New Jersey this morning. I'm like, who speaks like that? What are you, the Post? Yeah. But it's like that's how they talk. Yeah, yeah. You're on TV, you speak like a tragedy.
That's hilarious.
I'm like, let's go to break right now. No, I mean us.
Let's go on a break. That's true. Yeah, that is funny to talk like that. You don't do that. Like, what's the deal with doggy style? I'm fucking her. We're not dogs. I guess we've got style. Fucking idiots. Did you ever notice that women don't cum when I fuck them?
Your girlfriend's like, women?
Oh, I mean, you.
You, you don't cum.
Mm-hmm. You have a little microphone by the back.
She's giving you the light. I have done that, though. I have done the second I come, I run over to type something. Oh, I've done that. You ever have a joke idea, and you're like, I just got to get through this sex so I can retain this joke? Women love that. I do it.
They want you to make eye contact and be present, but I'm just like, fuck, I'm just fucking, just come, and then I jump off, I do a fucking back somersault. Uh, AIDS. And she's like, well, no, not me. The joke. The joke was about AIDS.
I don't have it. Yeah. Well, you got that bit idea. You got to write it down. Oh, I definitely... You've gotten sex ideas. Oh, yeah, of course. During sex, you're like, oh, there's a joke. Of course, yeah.
And sex is already always pretty funny. I was talking to Ari, and he said that, uh... Joke retention is about 14 seconds. If you don't write it down after 14 seconds, it goes. Luckily, I only fuck for 13.
And the worst is when people go, if it's a good idea, you'll remember it. That's not true. No, it's not. I'll forget any idea, good or bad.
I think Tom Waits had the line where he'll get a good song lyric and he's like, Can't you see I'm driving?
Oh, that's good. That's good. He's funny, that guy. He's an interesting mind. He is funny. I like weights. I like weights, too. He's fucking cool. He's a cool dude. His lettermans are top notch. He's just so fucking weird. He's weird and cool and dark. I like him.
He's a fun guy. He'd be a fucking killer guest on this.
what's his big song oh my god so many downtown train i hope i don't fall in love with you rain dogs he wrote jersey girl for bruce springsteen no that's him that's a money maker this whole first album is a fucking banger he had a different voice back then but he's like 24 when he wrote it i've sent you some of those songs all 55 oh that's him yeah i only know that through the eagles
Oh, maybe he... Did he do it first or not? I don't know. Look it up. He's done some great covers, too, but... Is he a New York guy?
Canadian? Where's he from? Where's he from? He feels New York-y, but I think it's just because he's on Letterman, and I've only seen photos of him in New York. Anyone want to guess? Mark, you're good at this before I pop it up.
Where's he from?
Oh, where's he from? I'm going to go Toronto.
I'm going to guess Jersey. I'm going Minnesota. No, that's not going to do it. What do we got?
hit me baby singer songwriter pomona california wow we were way off we gotta get this guy in the show yeah samsonite i was way off 74 now he's pretty freed up i'd say but he's a fucking man he's one of those guys who's too cool like you're like hey so you're from pomona california he's like yeah that's right
His voice now is, like, fucking crazy. Gravel. Yeah, Rain Dog's a sick album, too. But that first one's pretty crazy. He did the theme for The Wire. Really?
What?
Down in the Hole is Tom Waits.
Is that right?
I don't know if it's his original. He definitely does it. Yeah, it's his voice. It's definitely him in The Wire, I think.
Whoa.
I said definitely, and then I think. I stink. Uh-oh.
Strange looking guy, too.
Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, he's fucking great. He's great. Do you have a peeve?
Oh, yeah. Well, it's not a great peeve, but I was at the Guadalajara airport, and I'm the token honky. I'm the guy like, oh, where do I go? I don't speak Spanish. A little dingy. Do you go direct flight or do you have to connect? Connect in Dallas. That's not that bad. Not too bad. Small plane, though, to Dallas. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I was the gringo. And no one goes to Guadalajara.
People go to Mexico City, they go to Cancun or whatever the hell, but Tijuana. Guadalajara was me, a cockfight, and a lady making tortillas.
You went there solo?
Solo, baby.
Just for the gig. You just love Mexico right now.
I like Mexico, and I've never been to Guadalajara, and we sold some tickets there, so fuck it. I love that. So I'm in the airport. I finally land. It's like a seven, eight-hour travel day. You're a little wonky. And I'm going through customs, and you have to take your passport and scan it on this machine. And it kept saying, no passport, no good, no good, red, red, red.
So I go up to the guy, and I go...
no worky uh bad news though no bueno sucky sucky five dollar yeah hello he was like scan scan scan oh and i was like i scanned i scan but there's you know there's no there's no language there's a barrier so i go look scan scan he goes scan it scan it he keeps yelling at me and i'm like it's not working and then eventually he takes it and it doesn't work and he goes you got to go over there
And I'm like, why couldn't you just listen to me? But I guess they see so many idiots coming through there that don't know how to do it that he just assumed I was one.
Yeah, but you're a traveled man.
I'm a traveled man. I know how to work my passport machine, but this guy was not having any of it. And then eventually he tried it, and he was like, oh, sorry, go over there.
But they got you after that? Got me in, yeah. I fucking hate that, though, when they act like you're an idiot.
I know. And I did get the random check, which felt very pointed.
Oh, geez. With these eyebrows, it's never random. I hate it. Every time.
Yeah. By the way, I do Q&A at the end of shows. A lot of people go, Sam's eyebrows. Really? That's a big one.
They're fucking big. I got some fucking eyebrows.
I don't think they're that crazy.
Really? They're pretty big. I guess they're long. You know what I get is they don't even ask if I'm at the barber now. They don't even ask. I just go, I'm like, Jesus Christ. What do they do to your eyebrows? They just trim it a little bit.
On the top?
Yeah.
You don't get that? I get that too with the comb. They hit the comb on and then they trim it. They used to at least ask.
They don't ask. That could be a bad sign.
They're nice eyebrows. They're full. They're dark. You know what? When they do, I don't know if you're at the age yet, but when they're like ear hair, it's like, that's just a yes. Yeah. You know the answer to this question.
No, I'm growing it out.
I'm keeping it.
I'm going to braid it. But yeah, Mexico. So I do a show on Guadalajara. Killer crowd. Great show. They get everything. You know, you can talk about Biden. You talk about Brad Pitt, Taylor Swift, whatever it is. They get all of it.
Is it locals or expats?
Both. A little of both. Some people are like, I want to learn, see if I can test my English. And then I leave. I'm walking down the street, kind of half in the bag, just taking in Guadalajara. And this guy runs up on me, white guy. And he goes, hey, where are you going? I go, I'm just walking around. He goes, I was at the show. you want to come to my bar and hang out?
I was like, sure, I got nothing to do. So I go to this guy, this guy from San Francisco.
It'd be great if you're just like the bottom, it's like Pulp Fiction.
gimp in there you're like oh fuck yeah he locks the door now you're mine i'm gonna get medieval on his ass so i go to this guy's bar lived in berkeley yeah got too weird during covid said i'm moving to guadalajara started his own business now he's like i'm the king out here i get laid all the time i got my own bar my own business i'm a rich man i'm never going back how old is he 25
holy shit can you believe that he's making money there he's making a ton of money because he owns a business right on the strip too i was like how did you do this he's like i just was desperate i figured it out i put it together crazy and he was cool cool dude uh he uh offered me some blow and i was like i gotta go i gotta go and then i get home and i got like nine million dms like you should have come out man hey it's pretty crazy out here i'm in a nightclub right now with six girls you should come out i was like i did the right thing yeah but nice guy i hope he doesn't hear this
Eh, whatever. What were you drinking?
I had to do tequila. Tequila's from Guadalajara. Mariachi's from Guadalajara. Guadalajara is like Mexico. It's like if someone dropped you in Kentucky, and you're like, this is America. Trump flags and guns. That's what it felt like. It felt like Mexico.
but great great time cheap as shit you're like a king out there i'm eating street tacos i'm like yeah give me another one there paco i'm giving him giving him twos and threes and he's like whoa jesus i gotta i gotta do mexico man it's fun it's it's got some grit i wonder if i can move some tickets i'm gonna give it a shot what oh i got another peeve by the way oh please um just dudes with sharp rings
I fucking hate it. I hate sharp rings. Yeah. Fist bump. I always see him. He's always trying to give me fist bumps with the sharp rings. I'm like, what are you doing? That fucking hurts. Yeah. It's annoying. It texturally is annoying. And then you shake their hand. That's bad, too. From now on, only a wave. Interesting. I'm only giving a wave. Okay. Sharp ring. You've got to hate a sharp ring.
I hate a sharp ring. I have a ring for the wedding, and I hate when people squeeze it, and it hits the ring. It hurts. But rings in general, I don't love.
I don't like jewelry.
I'm not a big jewelry guy. I hate jewelry. Why would you want to put another thing on your body? It's just another thing to think of. The watch is already pushing it.
Yeah, the watch is pushing it. I like a watch, but then chains or jewelry, it's just a lot.
I completely agree. Guys who wear a bracelet, I'm like, what's the upside? What's the point of the bracelet? Or women like, hey, a bracelet. You know, I get it if you want to do some crazy thing that turns on women. Stefano might be listening. Does he wear a bracelet? Oh, yeah. He does? He's a fucking, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Some guys like a little bling. Every guy's got a necklace now.
Have you noticed that? Yeah, what is that? I don't think they're in. I know.
Yeah, out here. I had a guy, a friend of mine, I want to get him on the pod. We will at some point, I'm sure. Tan French from Queer Eye.
Oh, yeah.
He was like, oh, this would go well with a good necklace. I'm like, I don't like that.
He's like, all right.
No, I can't do it. But I guess he's a stylish guy, and he's like, it's in. Yeah, we're the minority here. We're the losers. Well, how about these fucking baseball players who are wearing like 40-pound chains now? I'm like, what's the upside? You're running. It just hits you in the fucking mouth. I know. You're diving in the second. A chain. I don't get it.
And then it's funny because chains will go out at one point. So I'm like, what are we doing here? I'd rather just be me consistently than have to like, oh, this is in. Now that's out. Oh, I still got to lose the chain. I wore a chain wallet in eighth grade. You did? I did because I was a skateboard queef, and that was part of the uniform. And then eventually I was like, what am I doing?
This is stupid. And then I'm not like, oh, they're back in? No. I'm a 40-year-old guy. I'll put a chain wallet. No. I'm doing me now. Sorry. I'm 40. I'm doing me. What is a chain wallet? I mean, I've seen it, but what's the purpose? The purpose is so you don't lose your wallet. You lose your wallet a lot. You get pickpockets.
It was like a stylish thing, too.
Stylish.
I'm a skater. I'm a fucking Leaping Skanks fan.
Oh, I guess you're active.
Yeah.
I guess, but bikers have them. I think they started it because their wallet might fall out.
Big J's got one, doesn't he?
He's got one, I think, still.
Yeah. But it's like for him, I feel like it's like a style thing.
Totally.
I think it is like a style thing for like biker, skater type dudes.
And that's his style. So he's being him. Like I don't think chain wallets are in and he's still doing it.
Oh, dude, I got another movie. I don't know. I can't call this a full on wreck because it's dark as fuck. all right at that dinner ron on he's telling me and the lady you heard about this movie yeah you seen it no but everybody's telling me it's like next level it's dark as fuck it's called speak no evil and they're remaking it an american version but like look
You know, you know, it's yeah, it's Dutch and you know, it's dark as fuck because the critic scores high, but the audience scores like 55 and you're like, that's because it's dark. But look, it's shocking. It will shock you.
Now, what's the premise?
The premise is this family and their kid are in Tuscany on vacation. They meet another family there at this big resort type place. And this other family is very friendly. Like a little weird, but very friendly. And they invite them to their place in the woods. Oh, boy. With a postcard later on. And the whole thing is about being polite or impolite. And they're like, well, it'd be rude to say no.
I guess we don't really know them, but I guess we could do it. And they're socially just really unacceptable people. Really? And it keeps getting weirder and weirder. Yeah, like, you know, at one point...
you know they're at their place they're out to dinner and they kind of like they suggest this fancy place and they force them to pay basically or then they start making out aggressively or they'll be in the car and he's clearly drunk driving but he's uh you know blasting music to the point where they're like please turn it down he's just ignoring them shit like that where they're very weird the couple and it keeps getting weirder so it's kind of like part thriller part horror and uh
I mean, look, I recommend it if you have a capacity for darkness. I was shocked by it. Really? And Ronan was like...
our boy Ron on is who I feel I give him shit for this I'm like dude you will only recommend a movie if it'll like fuck me up for days but I saw the American version it's James McAvoy is in it and it looks it looks cool and I'm like fuck am I gonna see this version too I don't know but I was I was definitely shocked by it I will say that why the title you're gonna have to see okay okay you'll know why when you see it I don't want to give spoilers in case people want to see it but uh holy shit man really yeah don't I mean I don't know if May will like it
Oh, that? It's that? She likes fucked up. Okay, well then watch it and report back.
So since I became a dad, I can't really watch stuff where kids get hurt. Huh. Well, I'm not giving any spoilers. You're going to have to see.
Because this kid looks scared. Is it sexual? I don't want to say anything. I don't want to say what's happened. Okay.
Because I'm just trying to think, if you're freaked out by it, Ronan's freaked out, List was freaked out by it. Did List like it? He loved it, but he's like, it is literally the craziest thing I've ever seen. Yeah. And it raises the clockwork orange and all that shit.
I'm trying to think of movies that fuck me up on a psychological level. Yeah. And like...
you know my holland drive kind of fucked me up because it kind of gets in your soul it's like the way they kind of creep in it's very they pull the rug out under at the end in a way where you're like jesus that is fucking and it's not nearly as fucked up as this really god damn this is you're really uh i mean like the curb stomp and american history x fucked me up a little bit sure because we were young and it was yeah i mean look no i mean not i'm at the age now where i'm okay with a curb stomp
No, but it was more of like a shock scene as opposed to something that really seeps in your... Yeah. But yeah, sure, American History X was dark as shit. But this is way scarier to me. Oh, boy. I'm intrigued, but I'm nervous.
It's really all about not having boundaries and stuff and knowing when... And it's funny, Rana and I totally... He can't stand up, and I'm like, I have no problem with confrontation. So I think part of me is like, you know, I have no problem being like, oh, I don't like this. You know, I don't. This doesn't. Yeah. But he said, I can't really do that.
So I think we were kind of scared for different reasons. Interesting. Yeah. I don't like horror usually.
Me neither. Now I'm really nervous. Yeah. You watch it. But List also is fucked up. He said it. I got to text him about it. The craziest movie he's ever seen. His words.
Well, they're remaking it. And I wonder if they're going to do the same. I'm not going to say what the ending is, but I wonder if the American version is going to have the same ending.
i bet we i bet we tone it we tend to tone europe you know do whatever you know originally in get out the original ending was that they don't get out oh man it's like and i think test audiences were like what the fuck yeah they changed it but like you know i thought i love get out yeah sure that was a great movie but uh
Yeah, we'll see. I'm fucked up by eerie. Like, when I was a kid, Willy Wonka fucked me up. It's just too weird, and they never- Well, if that fucked you up, do not watch this. Okay, okay. I mean, I was little, but yeah, I didn't like Wonka. He was too, like, he was enjoying the kids in a pipe with chocolate, and he's like, oh, look at this piece of shit, and that bugged me.
Well, I'm selfishly curious what you would think of it. Okay. But I'm also like, I don't know. It's fucked up. I like Clockwork Orange. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, this is definitely more fucked up.
Oh, wow. Okay. Damn.
Yeah.
All right. Jeez. This is scary.
Yeah. It's just the way it builds. It's good. All right. I'm talking too much about this, but I'm curious what you guys will think.
Maybe off air, because I don't know if I can stomach it. Yeah. I never watched the Michael Jackson doc. I can't watch the R. Kelly doc. For a guy who likes farting and offensive humor, I don't like real shit. Yeah, well, farting is not as bad as raping. What you do is not actually bad. That's a t-shirt. I know, I know, but, like, people are like, oh, you pushed the line or whatever.
I'm like, no, I'm just, these are jokes. Like, I can't watch, like, the Michael Jackson thing. People are like, oh, let's get the popcorn out. I'm like, this is, I hate this. Are kids getting diddled? I don't want to watch this.
It is a funny visual to be, like, you have a whole bowl, and you're like...
Yeah. I mean, the Ted Bundy shit was huge. Every girl was loving it. And I was like, this is weird. It's murder. He's murdering women with a rock, beating them over the head. I'm like, I don't want to watch this.
Torture porn is like, it became a thing for a minute with those Saw movies and stuff like that. I never got into that. No. I don't like the just like...
Hate it.
I think they're meant to be seen with a group that's like, ah, the same way. My friend Dana Gould will tell me like he goes, oh, I see my daughter's at the age now where like we see horror movies together and we leave and she'll be like, which were your favorite kills? And it's like it's almost like, you know, it's it's formulaic in a way, you know, where we see comedies, we laugh together.
But that's people don't do that anymore, really. Yeah, that's true. I guess Deadpool was a comedy, but it's rare that you go to a theater and you fucking... It's a good point.
Barbie, maybe? But it's not really the funniest movie.
No.
Yeah. But yeah, no, it's a good point. I remember laughing at something about Mary, you know, 11 years old in the theater.
Fucking losing it.
Losing it. American Pie even. You know, old school. I saw it in the theater.
Yeah.
Good times.
Great fucking times. It's over.
It's over.
Speak no evil.
Speak no evil.
Damn. Are you working on bits or anything?
Yeah, I got a bit that I thought was right, money right out of the pocket, but it is bombing all day long.
What do you got?
So my buddy has a young daughter, and he's like, she's going through all these phases. She went through like a promiscuous slutty phase. And I was like, well, that's pretty normal. And then he's like, yeah, but now she's going through a Muslim phase. And I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, a lot of kids are being Muslim now. And I was like, well, that's better than slut.
Because slut is skimpy outfit, getting drunk, blowing a bunch of guys. Muslim is burka, no alcohol, and getting down on your knees for Allah. So I was like, I got an A to B here. This is perfect. And it's bombing everywhere. Much like a Muslim. No. But it's dying on the vine.
Damn.
Is there anything there, you think?
Maybe it sucks. No, it doesn't suck at all. Muslim phase is so weird. Yeah. I had never even heard of it. Have you heard of this? No. It's coming. Maybe you have to build it more. In the beginning, it was like, yeah. So did you ask more about it? So she just acts like she's Muslim?
Muslim hijab. So I did a hijab line. That got nothing. Yeah, hijab. And I thought it was appropriated.
What religion was she born?
I think Catholic, Christian kid.
Hilarious.
Yeah. I think it's cool to be Muslim now.
that's fucking hilarious i was like we were just goth you know yeah i think kids teens feel and they're taking on the the the outfits and the right it's like black because you check black yeah in the 90s yeah it's also like goth is a funny angle hippies we were there were hippies and there were goth now that's like now you want to fit in you got to level up you know yeah you know uh Yeah.
It's so fucking hard to be a parent now.
I know. God. It's like your kids are... There's so many different fluid sexual things and... Now it's like, I'm a white boy. Now you've got to come out as white, and they're like, oh, no.
That's no good. It's so funny to be like, Dad, you know I'm Muslim. It's like, no, you're not. Right. You're not actually Muslim.
Yeah. I did hear a quote from a black guy. He said, a woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery.
Whoa. That's heavy. Yeah. Damn. Well, then another person was like, another comic was like, I think it's a solid bit, but people don't want to laugh at Muslim shit. That's possible. It's just a religion in my mind. But I think other people, there's a real problem I have. Other people have a problem with it. So they put their problem on me when I'm like, I'm just doing a bit.
Does it hit for your crowd or have you only done it at the cellar and stuff? That's kind of the test for me nowadays. Right. If it starts working for my crowd, I just deliver with more confidence at the cellar. True, true. But has it worked for your people?
Well, it's so new. I tried it in Mexico a little bit and I tried it at New York Comedy Club and it got weird. So I've only done it like twice or three times.
I think there's something there.
I think there's something there.
Muslim, the setup is that it's easier. What's better than being a slut?
Yeah, they're wearing tube tops and, you know, skimpy this and shrinking and sneaking out and fucking random dudes. They get pregnant, get STD.
Why did you say why she decided to convert to being a Muslim?
I think it's just it's in the culture now. It's like in the zeitgeist.
In New York?
Oh, yeah. Jersey. Jersey. Interesting. And then there's something with 72 virgins, maybe. I could do something with that.
Yeah.
She's not getting laid anymore. She's one of the virgins in the afterlife. I don't know.
I don't know the angle for this one. It's such a weird premise. Maybe goth is better than slut. Goth is better than slut.
No, I'm saying, like, maybe I should go with goth.
Yeah, no, maybe. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Goth. In my day, they were just goth. Right. It used to be like, fuck you, God. Now it's like, I love you, Allah.
Yeah, yeah. That's something. Kids are just rebelling against whatever their parents hate. Right. So it's probably he hates this thing, so your kid chose it.
might be funny if the dad's a jew and the and the kid oh that's that's something fuck you dad yeah i don't know i'm just thinking of angles in here right like you know the girl whose dad is racist dates a black guy yeah this girl is her dad's a jew so she's yeah going muslim huh All right, well, I'll play with it.
In my day, you just dated the person your parents didn't want you to date.
Yeah. Now you're becoming them? Now you're converting. Yeah, that could be funny. That's something, yeah. During COVID, she wore a mask. All right.
Well, my mom is like, you know, she'll say to me, like, first question with women, like, is she Jewish? And I'm like, you know, now this is like... Does she have a penis? Yeah. Is your boyfriend... Is your boyfriend...
muslim uh yeah and so am i now right like yeah i don't know i don't know where to go with this yeah all right i'll doodle my shit's either fucking garbage or all right hit me let me see what i got um there's a few i just can't crack um Man, I tried that dinosaur chicken nuggets one the other night. Got some groans.
Really?
I have too many fucking... I think for the comedy seller, my shit is... For my crowd, it's fine, but when I do the comedy seller, they're like, holy shit, that was dark. I know. Because you're going on after some of these guys who are just like, aw, shucks, and they're pretending they're better people than they are. And then I go on, I do a Hitler or a pedo joke, and there's like...
what is this guy, a fucking monster? I'm like, no, that's fucking, that's what you joke about.
Yeah, it's a comedy club. What are you, should I just be rainbows and sunshine all day? No, I want some edge. Supposed to laugh at the dark shit, folks. That's what we're doing here.
All these ideas, dude, my problem with these are like, they're either working or they're just shit. Let's see if I have enough. Is this anything, one of the worst parts of breakups is you have to just come up with new inside jokes. It's just like, so much new material. Wait, wait, With the new girl, yeah. Sometimes I'll just recycle stuff from previous relationships.
I'll be like, hey, little lady, and she's like, I'm 5'10". I'm like, ah, shit. I need something like that. I don't know where it's going, but like... You're doing old material. I'm doing old material. I'm like, ah, I got to come with a new fucking nickname. Right. That's funny. There's something maybe.
Yeah. You're like Trump. You got to have a nickname for every woman. Yeah. You're like, hey, what's up, Comrade Michelle? She's like, what? Yeah. moody michelle moody moody's fun for a lady my favorite part oh fuck i don't know um there was something uh i like the angle of kind of come up with a new new material for the new girlfriend should i see what else i had um
uh-oh bad retention mr beast he would hate this what um silence the silence oh fuck that we're going through the uh i'll give you a peeve while you're looking give me a peeve oh please i go to the uh deli counter and i'm like can i get a quarter pound of ham and a quarter pound of bologna and i was like is that a lot quarter pound And he's like, I don't know what quarter pound was to you.
It's like that a lot to you. I was like, I don't know. You do this every day. Yeah. You tell me people normally order a quarter pound. I don't know what a quarter pound of meat looks like.
That's a good peeve. The professional who doesn't who's asking you questions.
Yeah. Like how many servings is like this is like not that much food. Yeah. A quarter pound is not that much. I don't know that. Yeah, I don't think it's that much.
He knows what it is. He should say what you just said.
Yeah.
Is it a lot to you? I was like, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.
Yeah, I'm not looking for a philosophical lesson here.
Right. It's not a judgment call. I hate when you get in a cab or something and he's like, how do I get there? I'm like, you're the guy. You're the driver.
I got another one I want to try because this isn't hitting the way I want it. All right. And I have an Uber bit that's hidden really hard right now. Add to it, because I had an ex who would be like, we got into a car once, we got into an Uber and it smelled like horrible, like so bad. And I just went, oh, wow. And we got out, she goes, you cannot make that sound. I go, but he can make that smell?
That's unacceptable. It smelled so fucking bad in there. And she goes, let me see your Uber rating. So I pull it out, and she goes, just as I suspected, 4.53. And I was like, all right. That's fresh. I speak my mind. It's fine, whatever. And I said, all right, let me see yours. She had a 4.32. Oh! So I wanted to think. I was like, all right. By the way, you're pretty.
This is your personality that's doing this.
Oh!
oh that's good you're that yeah that's good you're that fucking rude to drivers i did once it was a bad smell wow that's good but i but the line that didn't hit i thought could be something as she goes uh that's that's not a big difference i go point two is the difference between a gold medalist and someone who doesn't place oh but then that doesn't hit so i need a different out i need a different fucking uh damn gold medalist i like
I like it too, but it's just too, I think it's too much of a leap. Right. But the part did pop where I say, you're attractive, this is your personality.
What if you shit on yourself, and you're like, well, .2 would help me a lot, or help you a lot in bed. Oh, yeah, yeah. If your dick was .2 inches longer, because now you're making fun of you a little, and she's like, that would be better. Good point.
Yeah, .2. It was a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah, but .2 isn't too much. That's true. It's not. Yeah.
Yeah. point uh you know you could say is uh this is just a side sideline but you'd be like hey 4.5 that's fresh unlike him that's fresh do people know rotten tomatoes enough yeah maybe i'm maybe i'm reaching on rotten tomatoes that's fresh unlike him yeah that would be fresh yeah she's uh
I had an old joke similar to this, but I could never get it to work, and I had a lady yell at me because I was like, oh, dude, you smell horrible. And she was like, hey, that's their culture. And I was like, yeah, but it's American culture to shit on people who stink.
Yeah. You know? It's a tough sell because...
i hate when people shit on like it's like oh you know you should i i hate what i'm doing a little bit in this right right when people will shit on like a smelly caviar i'm like yeah it's so fucking annoying but the guy probably did like a 26 hours true so i do feel a little bit but then uh but then i like the joke enough that i was like yeah who gives a shit yeah and you're not being mean you're going oh i just went wow it's not mean it's not like you make a fart
What? Did you make it a fart? So he farted instead of it's his body odor? I kind of like that it just smells like shit. I do too, but like to make it less offensive. No, that part hits though.
But that part does hit. I just think, yeah, it's about the... Where do you go from there? I'll brainstorm a little bit. It's close. It also goes off another bit. It's like the balls in the air.
Yeah, yeah. I like that.
There's another Uber bit that hits real hard before that. But, man, it's fucking crazy. The more I get older, I'm like, man, I think you have a similar thing that I have where our jokes kind of go up to the line of what is not socially acceptable. So the tinkering, sometimes it's just one word that saves it. Sometimes it's a buildup.
Sometimes I'll do a joke as a one-liner, and it comes off as too mean. But if I build up and build up and then do the same joke, it's like I'm adding fat to a joke to save the joke.
Yes. Yes, for them. Your crowd, it's fine. But if you're at the cellar, you've got to pad it a little more, I think.
But then you find out sometimes when you pad it, for your crowd, it builds it a little more and the release is bigger. That's true. That's true. Yeah, but in our stand-up, I think we're so conscious of not adding fat. We like the idea of how fucking dense our stuff is.
Yeah, nice and tight. But you're right, that tinkering is crucial. Just a little twist this way or that way and then it's offensive or it doesn't work or whatever.
Yeah.
I think you got something.
I'll try it at the cellar tonight.
What if you go 0.2? All right, well, what if I got your age wrong by 0.2 or something?
The problem with 0.2 is it's not like- It's not a lot. Yeah, it's also like, what is that, two months or something? You know what I mean? Is that the only issue?
That's why I like gold medal. That's a perfect- I liked it, yeah. Perfect analogy, but yeah.
It didn't work. Maybe I'll try it again. Shit.
I think you'd have to make her rating way lower, like a two. Yeah, but no one's going to believe it. And then you say, oh, you're two points off. And then two points, that's a lot.
Yeah, that's like two inches. Yeah, that's like two inches. Yeah, if you make her a little more off, I think you're safe. Maybe that's what I got to do. Yeah, that's good. A whole point. Yeah. 0.2 seconds could save your life if you drown. Whatever it is, you know. Yeah. That's funny. Do you got to open your chute in 0.2 or else you're dead? I don't know. It's close.
0.2.
I think you open it up a little more to make it a bigger gap between the scores or the ratings.
Yeah, I'm going to play with it.
Good call.
Good shit, guys.
Who has that funny joke where they're like, I got into a cab the other day, today, the guy smelled like shit. Somebody goes, whoa, that's racist. And you're like, it was a white guy.
Oh, shit.
Wow. Yeah, that's a good joke. Somebody has that. I was like, oh, I wish I had that joke. That's fucking great. That's great. Wait, when does this come out, Matt?
So I guess I'll be- Oslo.
Yeah, he just saw me in Oslo. Damn. Stockholm. Just added Spokane, Washington, October 24th through 26th. I'll be with little Gary. You know he's going to make me pay. And then I'll be in- November 21st through 23rd, I'll be in Cleveland at Hilarities, another great club. And I'll add a few more before we do a big announcement. By the way, I probably would have announced the theater tour by now.
So go to my Instagram. I would think I've announced the theater tour by now. Wow. I'm probably coming to your city, punchup.live slash samorell or just samorell.com and go to punchup.live slash Mark Norman or it's Mark Norman Comedy.
MarkNormanComedy.com, but Punch Up is just my name.
Yeah, PunchUp.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where are you going?
One second. Sam also just dropped his last special on Punch Up Live. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, well, now it's going to be on YouTube. I'm going to move it to YouTube. Okay.
That's a lot of YouTube content you got.
Yeah, you just got to get our stuff. It's cool to own our shit.
Hell, yeah. All right, love it. You'll get yours back. Yeah, can't wait. I sold mine to Hulu. Did you? Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah, get a couple extra bucks, throw it on Hulu, and it's on YouTube. Pretty cool. Fuck it, let it ride. Fort Lauderdale, coming at you. Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We had a show doing the Rogue Island Comedy Fest, Monterey, California.
Oakland, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland, Hilarities, Good Club, Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. Come on, Larry David. Pick Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, North Charleston, South Carolina. And Asheville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, and Englewood, New Jersey. So, yeah, come on out, folks. We'd love to have you. Get some Bodega Cat. We got the hot new bottle looking sexy, strong.
And, yeah, Patreon, we'll see you in hell.
Sunday's the day for my next bender, a bit of Pivorecki, no, the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope, and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might